Datasets:

lucadiliello

/

STORIES

like 3

Following the divorce , my mother was ill - prepared to take care of herself , much less me . Mom had serious trouble supporting the two of us . Like many wives of the post - World War II era , she had dropped out of college to support my father while he got his degree in electrical engineering . My father was something of a genius , so his career came first . The decision to support my father was a good idea at the time , but backfired badly after the divorce . Although Mom possessed some serious smarts of her own , now she had no college degree . Consequently my mother was forced to accept secretarial jobs for which she was intellectually overqualified . Compounding her difficulties , Mom didn 't play politics very well . My mother was rather headstrong and outspoken , especially for that era . She insisted on doing things her way , an attitude that rubbed some of her less - talented male bosses the wrong way . Whenever the friction mounted , Mom would be shown the door . My mother was quite the gypsy . She wandered endlessly . Following the divorce , during the nine year span from 4th grade till college , my mother drifted from job to job , home to home , man to man . Nine years , nine different jobs and eleven different homes . I lost count of the men . As one can imagine , this helps explain the importance of St . John 's as the only constant in my life . Let me say that my mother was never mean to me . Not at all . Mom was a good person with a kind spirit . I admire her for being extremely open - minded for her era . She embraced Blacks , Hispanics , Jews and Gays in an era when that simply wasn 't accepted . I give her high marks for raising me without the many prejudices of the day . Sad to say , Mary was not cut out to be a mother . Nurturing was simply not her strength . Her major fault was that she tended to worry about her own needs first . That meant I was forced at an early age to fend for myself . SUBCHAPTER 06 Following the divorce in 1959 , I began to raise myself . During the week , my mother would be home in the evening three or four nights out of five . On the weekends , Mom frequently left the house at night to pursue activities and new boyfriends . Every now and then she would say no time for supper tonight . No matter . I would heat up my hot dog , do my homework , play with my dog Terry , then watch TV or read a book . I was extremely self - reliant for my age . I learned to get my homework done without ever being told . Depending on where we lived at the time , I got myself to and from school by bike or by bus . Since my mother wasn 't big on cooking , I learned to feed myself when I was hungry . Oddly enough , I have never had the slightest interest in learning how to cook . So I became the master of the simple meal - Wheaties for breakfast , peanut butter after school , hot dogs and hard - boiled eggs for dinner . Since my best meal of the day came at the St . John 's cafeteria , I learned early on not to be too fussy about my food . The simplest meal was good enough for me . My favorite TV show was The Fugitive . Constantly running from the law , the Fugitive had to be the loneliest man on earth . Boy , could I relate to him ! I wasn 't the only person who was lonely . I remember how lonely Mom was after the divorce . Within months after the divorce , Mom married some bum named Tom Cook . What was she thinking ? This guy was a total loser ! I disliked this man with a passion . I remember Tom was the guy who tried to teach me to smoke . After gagging and nearly throwing up , I said no thanks the next time he offered . Mom had a smart mouth , so Tom took to beating her periodically . Mom learned to lock the bathroom door to avoid his drunken beatings . Or she would crawl into bed with me for protection . Now that I think about it , more likely she crawled into bed with me so the dog would protect her . Tom never came near Terry . He may have been a drunken lout , but he knew better than to take on the extremely loyal dog . I remember Tom well because he was the first in a long line of men who made me feel protective towards my mother . I would see her cry and feel miserable because these men treated her so poorly . It upset me no end that I had no way to stick up for her . As for Tom , he lasted six months . Tom left thanks to a series of hot checks he had written . The police did us a real favor by knocking on the door one night . Tom was out getting drunk , but when Mom told him about the visit , he turned ghost white . Tom left the next day . Good riddance . We were always poor . This was due largely to my mother 's inability to play politics . Mom didn 't have any trouble getting jobs , but she sure had trouble keeping them . Mom had one very bad habit . She had a big mouth . Mom had grown up as Daddy 's girl . Her father had always taught her to speak her mind . Unfortunately , the early Sixties were not very kind to women who dared to open their mouth on the job . My mother did not take orders well . She would often suggest a better way to do something . Needless to say , that rankled her bosses . Another trick was to agree with her boss , then do it her way anyway . Hmm . Nor did my mother handle criticism very well . She would often respond with some sarcastic comment . Or she might disagree with the criticism and argue with her boss . Not surprisingly , my mother got fired a lot . Sad to say , I am afraid I inherited my mother 's big mouth . When I was 23 , I was thrown out of graduate school for some of the same behavior . This led to my second life crisis . Let 's just say neither of us had a clue how to play politics . At the time , I think I learned my lesson , but I doubt my mother ever quite figured out how to keep her mouth shut . I don 't think any of my mother 's jobs lasted much more than a year at a time . Either she got bored and quit or she wore out her welcome . Since my mother received no alimony and her unimpressive pay grade did not lend itself to savings , money was a constant problem . We were ridiculously dependent on my father 's $ 100 a month child support . The hardest times came during Mom 's occasional stretches of unemployment . I would come home at least a couple times a year to discover the electricity had been turned off . Or sometimes it was the water . The next time it was the gas . In a day or two , Mom would receive my father 's child support money and service would be restored , but now she didn 't have enough money to pay the rent . Sooner or later the landlord would tire of her excuses and tell her to hit the road . My mother 's inability to pay her bills meant that we were moving all the time . . . eleven times in nine years . Growing up , I never had a single neighborhood friend . Why even bother trying ? We never stayed in a neighborhood long enough for it to matter . SUBCHAPTER 07 The worst part of my childhood had to be the men . With only one exception , I detested every single one of them . The first was definitively the worst . Tom Cook was an actual criminal . I still can 't believe she married this guy . One afternoon I realized my prized silver dollar collection was missing . Tom had stolen twenty silver dollars to buy booze . How utterly pathetic . However , I was only 10 and there wasn 't much I could do about it . I went and told the man to return my money . He just laughed . I could see all his missing teeth and was so disgusted I just went to my room and seethed . I hated feeling so helpless . After Tom Cook left , Mom got involved in the theater as a stage hand . She volunteered to help with the Alley Theater production of Guys and Dolls . I was too young to be left at home , so she packed me into the car . I would do my homework backstage , watch the rehearsals for a while , then get sleepy and fall asleep in a chair . However , the noise kept waking me up , so I complained . She said go sleep in the car . That didn 't work because I was scared . Mom 's next solution was to bring the dog with us . Poor Terry would be left behind in the car while we went inside . However , this solution worked . As long as I had Terry with me , I could fall asleep in the car . One night I noticed a car following right behind us as we drove home . Mom said don 't worry about it . It turned out to be some guy from the play . They went into the bedroom . I heard the guy leave a couple hours later . I was too young to understand the dynamics , but Mom couldn 't go to their place because of me . So she brought them home instead . A week or so later , this happened again . Mom had begun working her way through the cast members . To this day , I still hate Guys and Dolls with a purple passion . When Mom decided to volunteer for the next play , I put my foot down and told her to just leave me at home . I would rather spend my evenings home alone with Terry and my books than watch Mom spend the night shuffling props around and flirting with the actors . At least I could go to sleep in my own bed . Mom didn 't mind a bit . Now she could come home when she felt like it . I didn 't mind either . I was relieved that I did not have to listen to Mom moaning in the bedroom . SUBCHAPTER 08 Unfortunately , this new arrangement did not last very long . Mom eventually worked her way through the men at the Alley Theater , so now it was time to switch tactics . When I was 11 , Mom began to hang out at the Athens Bar and Grill down at the Houston ship channel . This was a favorite hangout for Greek sailors to let loose during their brief stay in port . I never saw the place , but from what I gather , the Athens Bar was a lively nightspot . It featured good food , good wine , and plenty of Greek dancing . My mother said she loved Greek dancing , but I think her real fondness was for Greek sailors . Although my mother was rather plain , she didn 't seem to have any trouble picking up men . The Athens Bar became her happy hunting ground . She liked the fact that they would be shipping out . Here today , gone tomorrow . Mom would bring them back to our house at night and then ferry them back to their ship in the morning . Mom typically reserved her adventures for the weekend . However , when she was out of work , she usually added a weeknight visit as well . One morning I got up , put on my St . John 's uniform , ate breakfast , then headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth . I was shocked to find some strange man in there using the facilities . I was embarrassed because I had walked right in on him sitting on the pot . He stared at me wide - eyed and cursed me in Greek . I apologized profusely , but the guy didn 't speak a word of English . Mom heard me and walked in as well . Right there in bathroom she proceeded to introduce me to Kristos , so we awkwardly shook hands . After each new tryst Mom would play music from Zorba the Greek on the phonograph for the next week . I think it helped get her in the mood for her next conquest . Mom eventually got tired of Europeans so she switched to Americans . After her Greek Sailor period , Mom dated a black guy named Fred . Fred lasted about two months . Then it was Jewish guys for a while . I must have listened to Exodus more times than any non - Jewish kid in history . The music must have rubbed off . . . I like Jewish people . One poor Jewish guy was Murray the dentist . He was recovering from electroshock therapy in the mental hospital . I actually liked Murray . He was a kind man , but his mind was completely gone . He was so frail and helpless that I felt sorry for him . Mom liked Murray , so she let him live with us for a while . I liked Murray too , but not enough to have him live with us . Like Fred , he lasted about two months . After Murray , Mom continued her latest strategy of dating white men with problems . Too bad Looking for Love ( in all the wrong places ) hadn 't been recorded yet , or I would have bought it for her . After playing that song for a week maybe she would have gotten the message . Or maybe not . . . with my luck , she would have moved on to cowboys . Most of these men came and went within a month , but some of them like Fred and Murray needed a home so they stuck around longer . The worst was Neal , the drunken taxi driver . We will get to him shortly . Personally I wish my mother had stuck to one - night stands . I absolutely loathed my mother 's ill - considered attempts to force her men into my life . I estimate there were eight or nine live - in boyfriends , however there might have been more . To cope , I spent a lot of time in my room with Terry doing my homework . Fortunately these men didn 't last very long . A couple months of sheer misery on my part and usually they were gone . I assumed my mother 's taste in men couldn 't get worse , but it did . Mom switched to Mexicans . She found these guys at a place called The Last Concert . She took this place very seriously . Not only did she learn to dance to Mexican ranchero music , she learned to speak Spanish . Mom would date Mexicans exclusively for the rest of her life . Miguel . Ramon . Lupe . Nemescio . Pasqual . She married three of them . The worst was Pasqual , the alcoholic who beat her and helped Mom squander away the entire $ 30 , 000 she had inherited from her father 's estate . I was in college at this point . The one time in her life my mother had any money and she blew every last cent of it . Just when I was developing a serious dislike for Mexicans , there was one very good man , Miguel . A gentle , caring man , Miguel made me realize that not all Mexicans are bad . Miguel was a decent guy , the only one among the nine live - ins that I would grow to care about . Miguel lived with us for two years until Mom discovered he had a wife and children back in Mexico . With her pride hurt , Mom threw him out . What a dumb move . We both missed Miguel . So did the dog . As one can see , Mom was a veritable United Nations in her choice of lovers . I told you she was open - minded . I cannot begin to convey the limitless depths of my disgust towards my mother on this issue . Most of all I didn 't want them living with us . I complained no end , but Mom told me it was none of my business . Throughout my childhood , the loneliness , the constant moves to new homes , the insecurity and the occasional loss of electricity were nothing compared to the men I was forced to live with . That is what I objected to the most . I told her I could live with the one night stands , but please stop letting these jerks live with us . After all , when it was just Mom and me and the dog , life was fairly peaceful . Mom would reply she was lonely . Sure enough , Mom would go to a bar , pick up some guy like a stray dog , and bring him home . The next thing I knew , he was living with us . Unbelievable . Without any say - so in the matter , I was forced to watch with disgust as the revolving door of losers came and went . If my mother had just kept her romantic forays out of sight , I think my childhood would have been a lot easier to cope with . SUBCHAPTER 09 My mother was very prone to depression . There were times when Mom would be in the bedroom crying uncontrollably and I would be terrified with insecurity . I had no idea how to console her . I had virtually no one to turn to . I knew my mother was a mess , but she was all I had . There were no nearby relatives , no close friends and no neighbors to call for help when Mom had one of her crying jags . All I had was the dog . Consequently I spent much of my childhood in the days following the divorce in constant fear she would go off the deep end and then I would be forced to go live with my father . Since I had begun to figure out my father didn 't have a nurturing bone in his body , I prayed my mother would find a way to keep it together . I have detailed how my mother fell to pieces following the 1959 divorce . Two years later in 1961 , Mom hit absolute rock bottom . Although she did not confide in me , I have to assume the issues were either loneliness or lack of money . Lately Mom had been crying all the time . One day it was raining hard and my mother had been crying . Suddenly she got up and inexplicably left the apartment without reason . I stared in shock as she walked out of her room , crossed the living room and walked out into the rain . She didn 't say a word to me . I was scared out of my wits . Something was wrong here , badly wrong . Mom had no umbrella and no rain coat . The rain outside was no drizzle either . It was pouring ! I knew my mother would be drenched in seconds and I was right . How did I know ? Because I followed her . And why did I follow her ? Because I was terrified of losing her . I was eleven years old . I was trying very hard to be a big boy , but it was really tough sometimes . My support system was about as thin as it could be . I had a wonderful aunt and uncle who lived near Washington , DC , but DC was a long way away . Allen and Polly Clark and their three children was a Houston family who had been kind enough to take me on a trip to Colorado last summer , but they lived on the other side of town . I had a father who had turned his back on me to attend to his new family . I had no friends at school and no friends nearby since I was new to this neighborhood . That left Mom , Terry , and St . John 's to keep me glued together . Right now Mom wasn 't inspiring any sense of security . If I lost her , I had no idea what would become of me . I was deeply afraid someone would make me live with my father . I hated his new wife , so the thought of beiWith an oncoming truck , I was certain death was imminent . I screamed bloody murder and squeezed my dog to my chest . There was no time to allow Mom to regain control . She never even tried . Instead she just kept driving in a straight line across the road and plowed into a giant ditch . Fortunately the snow accumulation softened the blow of the crash . Now the car was face down in a snow drift . Mom tried to back out , but nothing doing . Mom broke down in another one of those miserable crying jags . I was crying myself . I was so scared . I didn 't know how we were ever going to get out of this mess . I just sat there in quiet desperation . Thank God I had my dog for comfort . Mom never quite snapped out of it . She just kept sobbing . However , after ten minutes of crying , she stopped long enough to tell me I needed to do something . What ? ? Surely she wasn 't serious . . . but she was . " Mom , I am eleven years old . I am just a kid . What do you expect me to do ? " " Well , go stand on the side of the road and hitch a ride into that town we just passed . Get to a station and ask a tow truck to bring you back . Terry and I will wait here till you return . " I stared at my mother as if she was out of her mind . And then I realized she was out of her mind . Mom had been out of her mind ever since we had left Houston . I could not believe she was sending me out on my own like this , but maybe she was right . I couldn 't think of a better solution , so on the spot I decided to grow up fast and do this . I got out of the car and went to the road . Mom was right . Someone saw our car in the ditch and stopped to offer to help . The person seemed safe enough , so I asked for a ride to town . Ten miles later I was in the nearest town and bringing back a tow truck . The tow truck was able to get our tank out of the snow drifts . The truck took us back into town whereupon the station manager checked out the car . Amazingly , there was no damage . However the manager insisted Mom get some snow chains for the tires . After what we had been through , Mom wasn 't going to argue . Her defiance was gone now . It had turned to fear . She was completely broken and just hanging on by a thread . Mom looked at the man and told him the truth . She did not have enough money with her to pay either the towing fee or for the chains . What little money she had left was for gas and meals . But if he would trust us , she would write him a check . She said if he could wait a week before cashing it , once we got to Virginia , her brother would give her enough money to cover the check . The man thought long and hard , then he eventually smiled and said okay . Thank goodness it was Christmas time . Why the man agreed to take my mother 's word , I will never know . Actually , now that I think about it , I know one possible reason . He told me he had been impressed by my courage . He said he had a son my age and he couldn 't imagine a boy my age doing what I did . He asked if I had been scared . I told him he had no idea . I was still shaking . This experience had scarred me in unimaginable ways . That night we ate a warm meal of spaghetti at a diner next to an inexpensive motel in Vicksburg , Mississippi . I think that meal tasted better than any meal I have ever had in my life . I was so grateful to still be alive . Fortunately , the road conditions were better in the morning . The highways had been cleared and the snowfall was more flurries than anything else . We no longer had to drive in abject terror . Soon enough Mom stopped at a gas station and had them take the chains off . We stopped at another motel in Georgia that night . From there , Mom drove straight through to Virginia . We pulled into Dick and Lynn 's neighborhood at 4 am on Christmas Day , but to Mom 's dismay , her car couldn 't make it up the steep hill thanks to the icy street . She tried and tried , but the car kept sliding back down . Disgusted , she told me to get out of the car . Now we walked up the snowy hill . When we got to their house , Mom didn 't want to wake the family . I found an unlocked door to the basement , so we walked in and plopped down on a sofa in the basement den . Beauty , their Lassie - lookalike dog , came down the stairs and greeted us with her tail wagging . Terry fell instantly in love . As for me , I rolled my eyes . Not even a bark ! Beauty had to be the worst watchdog in history . Dick and Lynn never even knew we were there . Surprise Surprise . Look what Santa brought . Merry Christmas ! It had been Mom 's plan to throw herself on her brother 's mercy . As Mom hoped and prayed , Uncle Dick was incredibly generous to her . He bailed her out of what had to be a serious financial jam . I never learned the details , but I believe that Dick and Lynn saved her life that Christmas . They restored her will to carry on . I will always love Dick and Lynn from the bottom of my heart . Terry was such a wonderful dog . He was my closest companion for the nine long years stretching from Mom 's divorce till college . We had an inseparable bond . We went everywhere together , especially to the neighborhood park where I constantly practiced basketball . No matter what I did , Terry always wanted to be by my side . When I say ' everywhere ' , I mean it . The summer after my 6th grade , I joined a book club at the public library downtown . I was 11 . Since I lived in the Montrose area , downtown was only a twenty minute bike ride . I would ride my bike down Bagby , a semi - busy city street . Seeing how Terry pouted whenever I left him behind , I decided to put him at the end of a long rope so he could run alongside me on my bike . That probably wasn 't the safest thing to do for the dog or for me , but I did it anyway . I made sure to keep him on the side away from traffic . Then I would tie Terry up outside the Library until I was ready to head home with my new set of books . One day on the way home , a passing truck clipped my handlebar . The accident wasn 't my fault in any way . The truck driver swerved out of his lane and hit me . I went flying out of control and hit the concrete pavement hard . The truck was pulling an empty U - Haul trailer behind it . The heavy wheels of the U - Haul went right over my right ankle , cutting it to shreds . My ankle wasn 't broken , but it wasn 't working either . I could see the bone exposed . Something was wrong with my hip too . I was in tremendous pain . As I writhed in agony on the street , Terry came over and stood guard beside me . Now I crawled on my hands and knees to the curb . Some kind lady called an ambulance . Then I gave her my mother 's number at work . When the ambulance showed up , the men were very aggressive . Without any explanation , they tried to grab me and put me on a cart . I said , " Hold on , guys ! ! Wait just a minute ! What about my dog ? " The moment I protested , Terry stepped in . It was amazing to watch him in action . Duke was Mom 's dog and Terry 's father . I am 8 in this picture They took one look at Terry who had begun to tense . Now they practically fell over in their haste to step back . I smiled grimly . That dog would protect me with his life . I was badly hurt and in a lot of pain , but I wasn 't in any immediate danger . I needed take care of my dog first and foremost . Terry had instinctively moved between those men and me . My dog wouldn 't let the emergency personnel anywhere near me . Now the men asked me to tie the dog up . Despite my pitiful condition , I actually laughed . Here I was lying on a hot city street with my hip so numb I couldn 't move and my badly damaged ankle bleeding profusely , but these guys were asking for my help with the dog . How absurd . I asked the men if we could take the dog with us . " No way ! ! You 're gonna have to leave the dog here . " My laughter disappeared . Are you guys crazy ? There was no way I was going to tie up my dog and leave him behind . These men were frowning and had their arms crossed . They meant what they said . When I realized how serious they were , I was suddenly panic - stricken . I was worried they would use force to put me in the ambulance . Then I realized as long as Terry was next to me , that wasn 't going to happen . So I focused on protecting my dog . These men clearly did not understand my fierce loyalty . They would first have to knock me unconscious before I would leave my dog . This dog was the most important person in the entire world to me . Losing Terry would be unbearable . I would rather lie here bleeding in the street till my mother showed up than take any chance of losing my dog . This dog was my best friend , my only friend , in the whole world . I had my life wrapped around him . " Why can 't we put Terry in the ambulance with us ? " " Then I am not leaving . You can go , I don 't care . I will just lay here till my mother comes . And you better not touch me . You will have to fight my dog to get to me . " The two men looked at each other . There was a silent agreement that neither wanted anything to do my dog . Terry was not a dangerous dog . Not once did Terry ever bite someone or even snap at someone . I don 't even recall him growling . But Terry had a way of staring right at those men that paralyzed them with fear . I was so proud of him ! Terry was protective of me . Oh yes , for sure he was protective . Trust me , no one would dare touch me if Terry thought I was in danger . Terry was the reincarnation of Old Yeller . As I said , I firmly believed Terry would give up his life to protect me . I became scared that I might lose control of the situation . The pain was terrible . What if I passed out ? Then they might be able to gang up from behind on my dog and subdue him . The thought of losing Terry was too much to bear . So now I cracked . No more tough kid . . . I began crying . Talk about crocodile tears ! I cried my eyes out at the thought of losing my dog . I could recover from my injuries , but this dog was the only friend I had in the whole world . Those tears turned out to be my saving grace . Thanks to all the drama , the place had turned into a carnival . Cars had stopped to see what was going on plus an entire crowd of pedestrians had gathered to witness the spectacle . I guess there were at least twenty people watching . What a sight this was . . . a wounded kid laying helplessly on the ground and a fiercely loyal dog trying to resist two big men who were behaving like insensitive bullies . Suddenly the people lining the perimeter came to my aid . Some man hollered , " C ' mon , you guys , let the damn dog ride with the kid in the ambulance ! ! Can 't you see the kid is crying ? " With that , everyone cheered . All the onlookers concurred with similar comments . I had an entire cheering section rooting for me . Now one ambulance guy looked at the other in frustration . They threatened again to leave me laying there . That didn 't work . Despite my pain , that was fine with me . Here I was hurt , crippled and bleeding , but I was defiant . Choking back tears , I said , " You men don 't understand ! ! I would rather take the chance of losing my leg than lose my dog ! This dog means everything to me ! " The crowd loved my speech . Now they really cheered for me . Seeing how upset I was at leaving Terry , the crowd stepped up the pressure . They raised quite a racket . Finally the men relented . They said Terry could ride with me in the ambulance to the hospital . Now all the onlookers cheered and clapped their approval . Even the two ambulance drivers grinned a little . What a scene . I told Terry it was okay to let the men touch me . Then I allowed that nice lady who had phoned my mother to hold Terry 's rope . I said , " Sit . " Terry was so unbelievably intelligent ; he did exactly what I asked . Terry somehow understood that these men were now my friends and he immediately backed off . Once the men had me in the ambulance , I said , " Terry , come here " and gestured to him . With that , Terry jumped in the ambulance and the lady handed me the rope . The people all laughed . Such a spectacle ! People began to nod their appreciation . They could see why I had stood up for my dog . That was one heck of a smart dog ! They were proud of themselves for the part they had played in resolving this odd standoff . Now that I was in the ambulance , the nice lady came up to me and handed me the library books that she had collected off the street . I was glad to get those books back ; I had wondered what had happened to them . Then she grabbed my hand in an affectionate way and said , " Well , young man , it looks like you 'll need these books this summer . You take care of yourself and that great dog of yours . " I smiled wanly and thanked her . The ride to Jefferson Davis Hospital didn 't take long . It was only a mile away from my accident . Before entering the hospital , I asked the men to wheel the gurney to a shade tree next to the entrance . They lowered my stretcher to a level where I could tie Terry to the tree . Crying profusely due to my fear of losing my dog and knowing how worried Terry was for me , I kissed Terry on the nose and told him to wait for my mother . It broke my heart to see him tugging at the rope trying to follow me into the hospital . The poor dog Fortunately , the nurse did indeed leave to take a look . She came back ten minutes later and said Terry had water now and was doing fine . The nurse took a shine to me and kept me company . She said she had never seen a more caring dog in her life , but don 't worry , things were going to be okay . As the nurse was talking to me , Mom showed up . Mom reassured me she had found Terry just where I left him and put him in the car for safety . She added that she had found a tree to put the car under so the car wouldn 't get too hot . Once Mom found me inside , she was incredibly relieved . Now my mother started crying too . You know , my mother wasn 't a bad person . She may have been an emotional cripple , but there is no doubt she did love me . I regret so much that we constantly butted heads throughout my childhood . Sad to say , things would get even worse during my rebellious teenage years . This story had a happy ending . Together Terry and I would spend June and July in bed while I recovered . I read every book under the sun . Since I could hop on one foot well enough to fetch peanut butter sandwiches , I wasn 't in any danger of starving . Nor was Terry . . . he got a big corner of every sandwich . That was our deal . I made sure to put extra peanut butter on Terry 's slice just to torment him . I would laugh as Terry went nuts twisting his tongue to lick the sticky peanut butter off the roof of his mouth . With Terry keeping me company , I read book after book . I easily won the library 's summer book club reading contest . It took two months , but my ankle healed just fine . The companionship of my dog made my suffering bearable . As long as I had Terry beside me , I would be okay . Peanut butter , Terry , and books . . . hey , that turned out to be a pretty good summer ! SUBCHAPTER 11 Of all the men who lived with us during my childhood , Neal the taxi cab driver was the absolute bottom of the barrel . I shudder just typing the name . I have never met a more repulsive man . When I was 13 , my mother invited Neal to live with us . Neal smoked . Neal drank . He never shaved nor bathed . Neal considered himself an intellectual , a real deep - thinker , and loved telling me how smart he was . Neal , 40 , was a heavily - bearded , dark - haired man of Jewish descent with the thickest eyebrows I have ever seen . He was six feet tall , seriously overweight , and slovenly . However , Neal was bright , I 'll grant him that much . He bragged loudly about what a great chess player he was . Of all the men . . . and there was a long list . . . Neal is the only one who lived with us besides Tom Cook that I flat - out detested . The rest I just ignored . But not Neal . Not only did he irritate me no end with his lofty opinion of himself , Neal had a big mouth . In addition , he was something of a bully . He liked to taunt me and had an unfailing ability to get my goat . Despite my animosity , I need to thank Neal for two major contributions to my life . Neal was the guy who showed me the cheap trick of slapping ears that helped me conquer Harold , my shower room nemesis . Thank you , Neal , wherever you are , for teaching me how to fight dirty . And what about the other contribution ? Neal inadvertently helped me become the unofficial chess champion of St . John 's . I say ' unofficial ' because we didn 't have a chess club . That said , I still have reason to assume I was the best . St . John 's students were given a lengthy fifty - five minute lunch break . This allowed me plenty of time to play chess matches with Walter , David and Frank , three of my friends throughout high school . Periodically other students would see us play and challenge the winner . Seeing as how I took on all challengers and never lost a game , let 's just say I was better than average and leave it at that . Repulsive as the man was , I definitely owed my chess skills to Neal . I was first introduced to chess when I was 10 . My mother gave me a chess set for Christmas and showed me the rules . She would play with me from time to time , but when I started beating her , Mom lost interest . One memory of chess goes back to age 11 . Mom met some sailor at the Athens Bar and Grill and brought him home to spend the night . The next morning she introduced him to me . He was from Yugoslavia and spoke no English . But he did notice I had a chess board , so he beckoned to it . While my mother cooked breakfast , the sailor proceeded to advance his pawns one space at a time until I was completely pinned back . This sailor didn 't even bother taking my pieces . His moves forced to me to constantly retreat until he smothered me to death like an anaconda . I was thoroughly beaten . Then he grinned at me with a broad grin of satisfaction and laughed . I didn 't see the humor . I had just been crushed to death . The sting of that overwhelming defeat lingered for a long time . One day I noticed a book on chess at my school book fair . It was written for kids my age so I asked Mom to buy it for my birthday . I began to teach myself the finer points of the game . And yes , I improved . Soon I was able to beat the other boys at school on a regular basis . But apparently I did not improve enough . Neal came along when I was 13 . After he moved in , he noticed my chess set and immediately challenged me . As we played , I could see he took the game seriously . Puffing away on his perpetual cigarettes , Neal studied each move carefully . Neal described himself as an ' intellectual ' and valued his chess skills highly . Neal was definitely a lot better than the boys at school . He would laugh derisively after each victory . Neal told me not to take it so hard ; after all , he was a great player . He reminded me I never had much of a chance . After all , he beat everyone . I couldn 't stand losing to Neal . Choking on the cigarette fumes , how I hated this guy ! But I didn 't let on how angry I was ; after all , I had to live with him . Privately , though , I fumed over my defeats . I noticed that even though I lost , each game was pretty close . I believed he wasn 't really that much better me . I knew that I had some ability ; I just lacked polish . My problem was that I couldn 't figure out how to win the end game . If I could just discover a way to improve there , I might win . Meanwhile my dislike of Neal grew and grew . I begged Mom to throw the bum out . Please ! I told her I couldn 't stand to be around him . Mom admitted she wasn 't too keen on Neal herself , but since he was helping with the bills , he could stay . That gave me pause for thought . This was the first time I had ever considered that money might be the reason she allowed these men to stay with us . So Neal stayed and now my worst nightmare came to pass . When my 8th grade school year ended , I was disgusted that Neal was still hanging around . Summer was here and so was Neal . I wanted the freedom to enjoy my summer , but no such luck . Ugh ! Since Neal worked nights , that meant I would have to share the apartment with him during the long summer days while Mom was at work . I would have absolutely no privacy with this jerk living here . Sure enough , that 's exactly how it played out . Throughout the summer , Neal played Lord of the House all day long . I would wake up and there he would be in the living room puffing and drinking the morning away in front of the TV soap operas . I couldn 't bear the sight of him . Or the smell either . Just to get away from him , in the morning Terry and I would head over to Cherryhurst Park so I could practice shooting basketball . Basketball was my official summer project . I was determined to go out for the Freshman basketball team next year , so I practiced my jump shots and layups until the summer Texas heat reminded me it was time to leave . One day in June 1964 , Terry and I returned from the park . Neal was sitting at the table practicing his chess moves . Neal saw me and ordered me to sit down and play . The insistent tone of his voice made Terry come closer to me and stare bullets at Neal . I quietly grinned . Thank goodness , Terry hated Neal too ! Terry never left my side when Neal was around . Seeing the look in Terry 's eyes , Neal did a double - take . Neal was afraid of the dog . I was a teenager now and starting to develop a very smart mouth . In response to his taunting , I had begun to fight back . I developed a sarcastic , biting style that surely got under his thin skin just like he got under my skin . When I started asking him if it was time to learn how the shower worked , Neal would just glare at me . But what could he do ? Neal knew better than to ever get physical with me if I smarted off to him . . . which I did all the time with Terry to back me up . There was no love lost between us . The hostility had been growinI seethed inside , but kept my mouth shut . I grabbed Terry and the basketball and left the apartment to play basketball for the second time that day , Texas heat be damned . Once I was outside , I screamed my head off , " Darn it ! I wish I could find a way to beat that SOB ! ! " When I returned , it was more of the same . Neal was on a roll . For the rest of the day , Neal laughed every time he saw me and bragged about his victory . Then he told my mother when she came home and laughed again . Neal enjoyed this humiliation immensely because it proved that he was smarter than me . Meanwhile I cursed my inability to match his chess skill . With this guy around , my summer was off to a lousy start . Neal was ruining my life . That summer was incredibly stressful for me even without Neal to add to my misery . I was worried sick that I would not be returning to St . John 's for the 9th grade , i . e . my freshman year of high school . Some explanation would help . The 1959 divorce agreement had forced my father to pay full tuition for the three years . . . 4th , 5th , and 6th grade . My father refused to pay after that . Mr . Chidsey , the Headmaster , had offered my mother a half - scholarship to keep me at St . John 's , but she was penniless . However , Mom called Uncle Dick on the phone . Thank goodness Uncle Dick and Aunt Lynn in Virginia were willing offered to pick up the remaining half for the 7th grade . Then they did it again the 8th grade . However , at the start of the summer , Uncle Dick told Mom he could no longer afford to help her pay my St . John 's tuition . Since I knew my mother could never afford to pay the other half , it looked like I was through with St . John 's . I assumed I would be going to public school in the 9th grade . The thought of leaving my beloved St . John 's had me twisted in knots . Now I had Neal around to make my life even more miserable . Following my latest defeat at chess to Neal , I cursed my futility . I openly wished I could find some way to improve at chess . To my surprise , a very odd coincidence took place the following afternoon . After Neal left to go drive his taxi , I was alone in the apartment . As I took a shortcut through my mother 's bedroom to my own bedroom , I noticed a box of books lying on the floor over in the corner . Curious , I put the box up on the bed and began to leaf through them . There were several Ayn Rand books . . . Fountainhead , Atlas Shrugged . Then I saw a copy of Exodus by Leon Uris , plus several Bertrand Russell books on philosophy . I snorted with contempt . These were just the sort of books an intellectual would read . I wondered if Neal had actually read them or just kept them around to impress whomever he was shacking up with . And then my eyes lit up . There hidden at the very bottom of the box , I discovered Neal owned a copy of the 1960 World Chess Championship . I opened the book . The introduction said the tightly contested match had resulted in an upset victory won by Russia 's Mikhail Tal over fellow countryman Mikhail Botvinnik . The rest of the book contained the moves from every game played written in chess notation . Even better , there were detailed explanations for the reasons behind the most important moves . My eyes grew wide . I had just found a chess book that explained the strategy of grandmasters . I smiled as I grasped the potential here . If I could replay each game and try to understand the strategy analysis , maybe I could improve . I looked to the sky and nodded my gratitude to whatever unknown deity had sent this small miracle my way . This quirk could be easily dismissed as another silly coincidence , yet the uncanny timing of the book 's appearance caught my attention . Some part of me wondered if this book was the answer to my prayer . I carefully put the other books back in order and placed the box back where I had found it . Then I carried my prize to my bedroom . Would Neal find out ? I doubted it . The book was probably on the bottom because he never looked at it . The odds of Neal missing this book were one in a million . Having this book appear out of nowhere felt like an omen . I had a hunch this book might just prove to be my secret weapon . I had to do something to keep Neal from driving me mad . I already spent at least two hours a day practicing basketball at the park . Now I decided to tackle an afternoon chess project as well . After I figured out how to read chess notation , I made it my mission to replay every single chess game in the book . On each page there was a discussion of the reasons behind Tal 's most important moves . Every spare moment I would analyze those notes . I had no idea if learning the secrets behind Tal 's strategy would help my own game , but I had to try something . Each morning Terry and I would head over toOnce in a while , Neal would challenge me to more chess , but I always refused . I was going to finish playing every game in that book first . So Neal would guffaw , call me a chicken , make a few chicken squawks for good measure , then go smoke another cigarette . Humiliated , I would retreat to my room , slam the door , and open the book . Every time I heard Neal open the refrigerator door and grab another beer , my desire for revenge mounted . It took a month , but I finished all the games in the book . Now I carefully returned the book to the box and waited . I thought I understood the reasons behind the moves , but I had no idea if it would make any difference in my own game . Sure enough , one day in July , Neal challenged me to another game of chess . I tried to look casual . Sure , why not ? This time I was ready . I gleefully cleaned his clock . As I expected , he demanded a rematch . Since we had started late in the day , Mom came home in the middle of the second match . She watched in surprise as I handily won the second game too . This was the first time she had ever seen me have the upper hand . It wasn 't just that I beat Neal . I beat him so soundly that Neal was bewildered . Neal 's expression was priceless . He stared at me like a wounded prize fighter who has just been knocked down for the first time . The following day , Neal challenged me again . Again I cleaned his clock . I smiled . It was uncanny how much I had improved . This victory did the trick . Neal was now convinced my improvement could not be attributable to a simple explanation like a bad day on his part . For the rest of the day Neal walked around the apartment slamming doors and muttering to himself . He drove himself silly trying to figure out how I had managed to improve so much . What was I doing alone in my bedroom all those hours ? Had I made some secret deal with the Devil ? What an intellectual ! Neal never had a clue what my secret was . Instead Neal began to stare at me like I was Damien from The Omen . Seeing how much it bothered him , I refused to explain the circumstanceJust before Neal left for taxi duty that night , I heard Neal and Mom arguing about something . Neal was still upset . Within the week , Neal moved out . I had slain the dragon with a chessboard . My mother even thanked me once he was gone . She said good riddance . I had found motivation in the unlikeliest of places .

Hi everyone ! I hope everyone is keeping well as we are getting close to Xmas . I 'm not sure if I will get one more in before Xmas or not . We 'll see , if not I will be back after the new year . In case I don 't make it back , I wish all those who have stopped by here to read all my crazy flash fiction and strange short stories a Merry Xmas and the best of health and happiness in 2015 . It was rare of them to gather but it was that time of year . They were on watch out . For what we really don 't know . One evening , just before dusk something caught their attention . There didn 't appear to be anything there but they remained still and kept watch . Happy day to everyone out there . It 's very windy today so a good day to stay in and write this . I hope you enjoy . Have a great weekend and stay warm ! Wishes made on gold snowflakes are like treasured rare gem stones . They glitter and glow and make you in awe at them . They are very breakable though and should not be touched . Xmas wishes are the best . They don 't break so it 's wise to make one of those . And if you wish for peace and good health to your own family , it will probably come true . Hello everyone . Hope you are all well and happy . Since Xmas is getting close , I selected a picture that was taken quite a while ago of my Misty in the Xmas garland . Hope you enjoy . Have a great weekend ! But just as I got there I heard a soft low voice . I stopped and listened . Have you been good was the question I heard . A little mew was the answer . A soft laugh filled the kitchen . Here you go was the response to Misty 's little mew . When I went further into the kitchen , no one was there . Misty was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor . I looked down at her and there was a toy mouse sitting at her feet . Hello everyone . Hope everyone is keeping warm . It 's very cold where I live . Hope these picture of the lilies make you think warm thoughts . Happy Thanksgiving to all the US readers ! Have a great weekend ! I was hoping these flowers would make up for my mistake . I know I walked out before we should have talked . But I was so mad I had to get distance . Questions of what was in there raced through my mind . Stories of magical faeries of course always were heard but there were others in inside the magical forest . What were they and what would they do to me ? The faeries I was told would not bother you as they weren 't interested in humans unless we caught their attention on purpose . That I did not ever do . I knew better . No , there were stories of white frosted horses that galloped through the forest and they would stop and offer you a ride through the forest . This was very ill advised to do . It was said that they would enchant you and you would never be let down . I had turned almost all the way around when I heard a noise . When I looked up there was a young man standing there with snow white hair that shone against the blue sky . He was so tall and lean and the way he stood there staring at me with those black eyes . He was breath taking , really . My hand hovered over his and just when I was about to touch him a gust of cold wind blew me back . When I sat up the young man was gone and I knew that I needed to get up and go back home . This was not meant for me . I turned and never looked back into the Frosted Forest .  Hi and hope everyone is keeping warm . Winter is creeping in where I live . Today I have some flash fiction . It 's a bit longer than my usual flash fiction . Hope you enjoy . Have a great weekend ! The faerie boy tried to tell me that they were as sweet as I was . But I knew those apples were past their day . When you looked at them they were picture perfect and you wanted to pick one and take a bite . I tried to get his name but he was coy and wouldn 't reveal it . If I could find out , he would have to come good on the apples and tell me the truth . I asked him , " Why do you want me to take a bite anyway ? " I shook my head at him and frowned . That didn 't make him happy . A glimmer of sun shimmered in his blond hair and his green forest eyes drank me in . I shifted at his charm and tried to back away . I knew that I shouldn 't have attracted his attention to begin with . What was I thinking ? With one fluid motion he was standing in front of me towering down at me . The smell of over ripe apples devoured me . " Take a bite my love and you can play with me forever . Wouldn 't you like that ? " I swallowed hard but I threw my chin up at him . " I will not take one bite of your rotten apples or play with you . You want to trick me and that is all . " His laugh sounded like a summer breeze blowing away the scent of the apples . " I knew you would say that , " he said a with grin that made him look more devious than ever . I thought I could run for it but faeries were fast . There would be no chance . The only way would be to beat him at his own game but I was pretty sure he would cheat anyway . I turned my back on him instead and slowly walked way . I waited to see if he would run up behind me . He did not come running . Apart of me was relieved but suspicious all the same . I was half way to the house when I felt his presence behind me . My focus was ahead but it was not meant to be . Now he was standing in my way blocking me grinning . He was so beautiful to look at . My mouth went to say something when his finger pressed against my lips . I watched him with my chest thumping loudly . " No need to fear me love . Your wildly thumping heart is what I want you to feel when you love me back . " His smile was pure sunshine and this time the smell of sweet roses took me . The faerie boy started to stutter and his glimmer of sunshine was now quite dim . " She is not my play thing . I was . . . just . . . on my way . . . I was left standing there alone . When I looked down there was three over ripe apples and one dried up rose . I made a vow to myself to never attract their attention again . But I kept my wits about me and staked out the place pretty quickly . The one who thought I didn 't belong was quite opinionated but so was I . I didn 't back down . I stood on all four paws and made myself heard . She is bigger than me but I 'm quicker . Well , that wasn 't all . I found out an embarrassing secret about her that she didn 't want the others to know . That was the clincher . So now I do pretty much what I want . Hello everyone . Today I have something different . This is the beginning of a novel I am writing . I think it will be a trilogy . The first book is A DISCOVERY OF MAGICIANS . I think it is going to be a YA novel . It 's not in it 's final form but I hope you will enjoy this little taste . He pulled the magic off without them knowing it . Breagan smiled as he saw her eyes widen . He had changed a feather closed inside his hand into a coin . Everyone was shaking their head as they looked up and down his bare arms . There was no sleeve to do an exchange . The mumbles around said he must have somehow did the switch from his pocket . Breagan watched her from the corner of his eye . He had impressed Miss Emily Gates . A lively beat started inside his chest as he started to go towards her . He wiped his hands on his jeans quickly but stopped in his tracks . Instead of looking at Emily 's pretty face , some dude was draping his arm over her shoulder and was leading her away . He gritted his teeth and ground his runner into the grass . Thoughts of doing something to the dude crossed his mind . Flattening his tires on his car would stop him from going anywhere with Emily . It was very tempting . What does she see in him ? Maybe it has to do with his good looks ? Nah , the guy is a football player . They have the mentally of a squirrel . Breagan watched as Emily flipped her blond hair in front of him just as he opened the door to his little coupe . Her smile melted Breagan from across the parking lot . His legs felt wobbly suddenly . The sound of someone sighing brought Breagan to his attention . A coldness made the hairs on his neck stand up . Slowly he turned his head but no one was there . He shook his head and was going to walk away when this time a voice spoke to him and it was as if they were talking right into his ear but no one was there . Breagan " s piece that he was working on was a portrait of her but it was a different version . It was Breagan 's vision of his love interest . No one in the room including Emily would know that it was her . He settled down to paint and kept looking over at where she usually sat but she hadn 't arrived yet . The bell rang for the last and she was still not there . Breagan sighed . Emily skipped out to be with him . His eyes reverted to his painting of Emily . The smoky eyes looked back at him . In Breagan 's mind her eyes were navy instead of the soft brown her own were . Her shoulder length blond hair had streaks of pink and blue . Her high cheek bones were sharper giving her a dangerous edge that excited Breagan . He was about to start painting when he caught someone out the corner of his eye . A dark haired girl sat down where Emily usually sat . A funny vibe went up Breagan 's spine . She never looked at any body and when she revealed what she was working on it was all black with splashes of color in the middle . It looked like a strange door way to some place that he would never dream of going . Breagan tried to concentrate on his painting but his eyes kept sneaking over to where the girl sat in Emily 's spot . The colors on her painting were getting more and more intense . He had to force himself to blink his eyes to stop staring at those colors . Slowly he let his eyes peer over to her and she locked him in her gaze . He couldn 't look away if he tried . Her eyes were the color of stone grey with a coldness that ran through Breagan 's veins . The magic thrummed inside him like it did outside . Who are you ? Are you the one who attacked me outside ? She whirled around cutting off the hold she had on him . For the rest of the class she ignored him . He never stopped watching her . Her painting in front of her kept changing . It was like she was putting on a show for him because she knew he was watching . There were cards running across her canvas only to be caught and made to fall into a card house . Then they would collapse and out from under the cards a rabbit bound out and Breagan thought it looked as if it was going to leap out . Breagan held his breath but just as the rabbit looked like it was going to jump into her lap , it turned into cards and flew around the room . Breagan looked at everyone and the cards but it appeared that no one could see the cards . They all flew in front of him and one stray card nearly hit his cheek but darted out of the way in time . The cards raced back to her and landed inside the canvas in a neat stack , just as the bell rang to end class . She never turned around . He watched her get up calmly and walk out . Breagan didn 't know what to do . Should he go meet her under the old tree ? His magic was always something he kept to himself . Now he had ran into someone like himself and that scared him for some reason . Maybe he thought she would have answers but did he want to know them ? Breagan sighed . He slowly gathered up his stuff and just as he was about to get up a girl came up to him and handed him a note . " I was told to give this to you . " He took the note from her and she walked away . There were two of them ! Now he really didn 't know what to do . He didn 't trust either one of them but wanted to know who and what they wanted from him . When he got outside he looked over at the far end of the yard where the old tree was . He didn 't see her unless she was hiding behind the tree . He also looked towards the back of the school . Which way was he to go ? She came out from behind the tree and stood there waiting for him . He stopped abut five feet from her . " Don 't worry , you can trust me . Let 's sit at the picnic table . " She leaned over as if someone might be listening . " You belong to a coven of magicians that needs your help to bind them . That 's where you come from . You must have wondered growing up that you could do things and " perform tricks " to amuse yourself and your friends . " Breagan didn 't respond . He wanted to hear more about this circle . Her stone grey eyes settled on him and she continued . " There are others out there and the attack that you said you experienced earlier was from one of the Oracles . " Breagan shook his head . He felt like he was being dragged into something that he and nothing to do with him . He wanted to get as far away from them as possible . Breagan got up without looking at her . He didn 't want to be held by those eyes of hers . " I have no intentions of meeting him or having anything to do with this circle and completing it . It has nothing to with me . Leave me out of it . " Without thinking he went behind the school yard to take a short cut . He got halfway when he felt the magic . It was the same magic that attacked him earlier . Looking straight ahead with determination , Breagan kept walking as briskly as he could . " Now , come on . Do give me the time of day at least . " Breagan shook his head and kept going . He was almost at the edge of the yard when he felt his feet was being lifted off the ground . " Hey , put me down . I want nothing to do with any of you . " A tall dark haired young man dressed jeans , navy t - shirt and runners smiled at him . Breagan looked him up and down . He looked ordinary and not very scary thought Breagan . Breagan took a shaky breath . " I have no interest in your two groups dispute and I don 't know why either of you sought me out . I want nothing to do with either of you or any circle . " Dorian tilted his head at Breagan . " You have no idea who or what you are do you ? That 's too bad but I still need that promise . " Dorian laughed softly . " Now , that is not how it works my friend . Promises have a strange way of making up their own rules . They change on whim . No . Promises have to be made to obey . " She called her shadow her special friend who was shy according to her . It would only speak to her and no one else . Never the less , her friend followed her where ever she went . We thought this would be rather annoying but she told us absolutely not . Since her shadow friend was so special she said , they decided to be together always . Does your shadow have a name ? Of course she said . Her name is Missy . It goes with my name , Misty . Missy Misty . She thought that was cute and we thought it sounded too sweet . Both were quite happy and accepted their cream . After they licked their paws , it was decided it was nap time . Missy and Misty curled up in a sunny spot leaving us to clean up the cup of cream . After they played with wound up mice toys and balls with catnip inside them . The kittens joined in but didn 't play fair . They kept hiding the balls under the blanket . Hi everyone ! Today I 'm doing something a little different . This is a poem I wrote a while back . I like to write some poems every once in a while so I hope you enjoy this one . As I walked , a snowy owl graced me with its presence . It called out in prose , chilled in the winter 's breath . I followed it until it disappeared in the dark navy sky . One of the others picks on me . But I don 't let it bother me . I know lots of secrets that the others have told me and that makes me special , so there . He sat on the counter and waited for his tea . Ted was his name and he reminded us that is was not " Teddy " but " Ted " . We tried to remember but it slipped out a couple of times . A little growl came from him each time so we made sure to call him by his proper name . There was no honey for his tea so we asked him if sugar was okay . He sighed . " Brown sugar please . I don 't really like white . " Ted also requested his tea in a large coffee mug . His paws he said won 't fit in fancy tea cup handle . Last time he spilled all over his red kerchief . It took a while to find a mug that had a big enough handle . There was a picture of a cat on it but he said that was alright . Even though he didn 't really like cats , he would drink from the mug . Once he was finished he thanked us very much for the tea and cookies . Now he was sleepy and would like to take a nap if we didn 't mind . We tried to be quiet but it was hard . The good thing was , he snored so loudly he didn 't hear our noise . His travels must have been tough by the rust on his wings though . Never the less it didn 't slow him down . We asked where he came from and were told of a far a way place where all the dragonflies , butterflies and even the beetles were made from iron . The King 's men made them and sent them out . Why would the King send them out here we asked . His metal wings twitched . What would have to be done is a search party would have to be formed he thought . That was fine we told him but if nobody knows who she is , how are they going to know who they are looking for ? He apologized for the intrusion and would be on his way . All he asked for was a drink of nectar and he would continue on . He had his drink and with one swoosh he was off and gone . Three weeks later a letter arrived with the King 's stamp on it . It was from the iron dragonfly . The princess was found . The feelings that he told us about worked . The King was most happy and we were left in awe of the iron dragonfly . Hi everyone ! I hope it 's nice and warm where you are . It is cold here today . I wanted to capture a picture of a dragonfly but it was too cold today . I did see a couple this afternoon but of course I didn 't have my camera . I hope this one will be okay . I hope you enjoy ! Have a great weekend ! However , after a moment or two , his wings twitched . That 's when the blue glitter of his wings caught our eye . We asked how this had happened to his wings . He said he met on his adventure a Faerie Queen who was so enthralled by him that she decorated his wings with the blue stones of her kingdom . She told him that the blue in his wings reminded her of someone special . The Queen invited him into her palace where flowers bloomed profusely . The large flat daisies were his favorite he said . They made a nice resting place while she told him stories . She told him of a lost love that she still hoped to find again . He said she believed in true love . Her voice sounded like a birds song but he understood her he said . It was believed that her true love was taken from her in the night under a full moon . Every full moon she looked for him . His wings were blue and they shimmered in the light she said . The Faerie Queen 's face flushed . The Queen admitted they were her tears that had turned to blue stones . She had shed so many tears over the years that now they were everywhere . He felt sorry for her but he had to leave and before he took flight she gave him a blue stone . The Queen said it would protect him and if he held it to his ear he might hear more stories but probably not . It was meant for her true love she said . She had filled it with stories just for him . We looked at the odd blue stone and put it to our ears . All we could hear was crying or sometimes nothing . On melancholy days Bella or sometimes known as Miss Mew , stares out the window . She almost can tell you how she feels at those moments . You can see it in her eyes . The birds that flutter by barely catch her attention . Even the butterfly that rests on the golden glow just outside the window get 's ignored . I feel what she is pondering is what it would be like to go out their like her fellow felines who do get the privilege of going outdoors . It is something that she has voiced about many times . Why not Mama , why not ? Her high pitched mew complains with bitterness and maybe just a touch of jealousy at the other two who go out . I think then when she looks at me with her green eyes , she almost might agree with me but not quite completely . After all those other two do tell stories about their adventures . Miss Mew is sometimes not too sure if their stories are a bit stretched for her sake but she liked to listen to them anyway . It amused her . Hi everyone ! I hope everyone is fine . I started to write a flash fiction piece but instead it turned into a short story . I hope you enjoy . Have a great long weekend ! No one at first knew she was hidden there . When they did find her , that 's when the stories came to life . It was long ago when she was made princess of her court . Another court was coming to celebrate , the summer faeries danced and sang songs . The new princess , Mara , was unaware that these celebrations were more than just about her becoming a princess . Mara was also to meet her future mate . This was the reason for the summer court 's invitation . When Mara heard this news she was devastated . She did not want a mate chosen for her . So , she snuck out the eve before the big celebrations . Mara figured if she stayed away for a bit , the intended mate would be mad at her for a no show and call it off . There was a secret hiding place that Mara liked to hide that no one knew about . It was tucked in some tall grasses and large bush that was perfect for hiding in with its large leaves . On the small path she met someone . Mara flushed with embarrassment . Of course everyone knew . " I don 't need your help . " She quickly went around him and walked with a quick stride making distance between herself and the tiny troll . When she got to her hiding spot she felt like she was being watched . Mara turned her head to see if anyone was behind her . She thought perhaps it might be the little troll but she didn 't see him . Mara was about to climb into her hiding place when a soft low voice pulled her attention to behind her . When she looked , there was the most handsome faerie she had ever seen . He was riding on the most beautiful fey horse she had ever seen . Its silver reins shimmered and its blue eyes twinkled . His golden hair almost shone in the night and his eyes glowed as if they were stars . He stepped down off his horse and walked towards her without making a sound . " It is not safe for you to be out here . Let me take you home . " Mara was captivated by this fey . " Because I want to choose my own mate . I want to fall in love on my own . " Mara cast her eyes down feeling her face flush . She was thankful it was dark out as she felt embarrassed confessing all this to this stranger . When she looked up their eyes locked and her breath was still . Her muscles couldn 't move . Silence settled between them until he let out a breath . " Please let me help you . I may have a solution for you . " Mara was so captivated by his sweet song of a voice that she came closer to him and was now looking up into his blue jeweled eyes . This was someone that she could fall in love with . In fact she was falling in love right now . " I will accept your help . " But before he answered a sound from over the hill could be heard . Mara knew it was the court looking for her . " They are coming for me , I have to hide . " " I have a secret hiding spot here . " She gestured to the spot and went inside with the faerie right behind her . The darkness of the hiding spot swallowed them both hiding them from the encroaching court . The sounds of their horses rumbled by them . Mara was relieved but now she was standing very close to him and she could smell his warm breath on her face . The scents of moss mixed with a winters breath filled her . Her eyes closed in the dark space . When she opened them his blue eyes shone . " You are so beautiful , " she whispered . Despite it being dark she could see him smile . " You are special and I want to help you . What I am about to do will protect you until I come back for you . " He pulled her close and kissed her . Instantly Mara felt the coldness run through her . Her arms flew up trying to get away but it was of no use . She now couldn 't move and her entire body felt heavy like stone . " I come with no ill intention your king . I am simply resting and will be on my way come sunrise . I heard the noise and simply came out to investigate . " The winter faerie whirled around to the tiny troll . The tiny troll bravely came close . " If he finds out what you did , you will be killed . I could help you escape with her . " The winter faerie scoffed at him . " I don 't need your help and with my magic no one will find her . I will come for her and take her to my winter world . Be off with you before you feel what kind of magic I can really do . " Time passed and the young princess was never found . The court believed her to be dead . The young winter faerie did come back but in all his searches he could not find the spot . He gave up finding her . She wasn 't found until one day a young faerie couple were playing in the glen when they came across a small knoll that looked like it at one time had a entrance to it . They investigated and found the a stone faerie hidden inside . The king and what was left of his court was long gone . All that was left was the stories that was told about the missing princess . They took the stone faerie out of her dark grave and brought her into their court yard where they placed a stone bowl that held water on top of her outstretched hands . The summer court planted wild flowers at the bottom of her . That is where she stayed while the stories kept on being told . The other sunflowers were in the back and this small one that didn 't grow as tall was in amongst the tomatoes . They didn 't seem to mind her . In fact they said she was always friendly and gave them lots of room . She always had a smile for everyone and even the birds liked her . A few flowers that had self seeded wished they were elsewhere . They complained that her leaves were too big and they couldn 't get enough sun . Hope everyone is doing great . Hope you enjoy today 's flash fiction . MEMORIES It was a long time ago but when I saw the pink daisies it reminded me of a certain day so long ago . You had announced that this was your last summer here and in the fall you were leaving to go live in another country - Ireland . I couldn 't believe that you were actually going to do this . All summer we talked about all the things that we had done together and even the times we got into trouble . The summer slipped away too fast as it always does . You were to leave right after the long weekend and now it was the long weekend . We gathered at your place with a few other friends and had this pathetic send off . We toasted to you with cheap wine and hugged you with well wishes . Before you left you gave me these pink daisies out of your mom 's garden . You said these would remind me of you . I thought that was weird at the time . But you were quirky anyway . Time went by us both after . The pink daisies faded into yesterday 's memories and soon the postcards from Ireland were also apart of the memories . So , when I seen these pink daisies today , 10 years later , I was sent back to another time and I did remember you , just like you said I would . Isn 't it funny how something like these simple flowers can ignite such memories ? I wonder how you have done over the years . I do remember hearing that you had met someone . I wonder how that turned out for you . I might even have one of those postcards kicking around . I should go look . Maybe I can find the address and if I do , I 'll try and find another postcard with pink daisies on them . See if you remember because I certainly did . Come evening time though , something happens . The pansies stretch out like butterflies and eyes show through the blotches inside the pansy face . They flutter about with other flower faeries in summer 's late evening hours . These three special faeries flirt the most with their colorful wings . They especially like to be near the jasmine nicotine with it 's heady scent . The humming bird moths like to gather here as well . They all have wonderful time enjoying nectar and those wide eyed bright pansy faces are always the life of the party . Hi everyone ! For the last day of July here is a piece of flash fiction for you to enjoy . Hope you like it . Have a great weekend ! He knew when he seen her it was love at first sight . Her smile lit up a light inside of him . The question was how was he going to win her over . Should he send her flowers ? Out the corner of his eye he spotted a patch of white daisies . With one stride he plucked them and headed toward his love . The other fellow was on his way to her as well ! His love lost her smile . Oh no . What he didn 't notice was that she was not frowning at him but the fellow with the single rose . Petal went skipping into her favorite viola patch and discovered a little boy faerie with the most beautiful wings she had ever seen . He looked to be enjoying the violas as much as she did . Petal got quite excited and ran up to him . It was like he was waiting for her . He smiled at her and made Petal almost blush . His beauty was something she had never seen before . " You have beautiful wings . " He smiled back at her again and when he spoke his voice sounded like one of the song birds thought Petal . " I 've come here as often as you . I like the flowers like you . " " I was hiding in the flowers . " He stood up and his wings lifted him up into the air . He hovered above Petal for a moment . " Hold out your arm to me . " He smiled down at her and Petal couldn 't help but stare at his wings that were so delicate and yet strong . " Trust me , " he said . " I won 't weigh anything . " She sighed and held out her arm . In a blue blur he came down and landed on her arm He was a beautiful blue butterfly . With one finger she touched his wings . She followed the pattern on his wings all the way to the part that swooped out . Then the world changed . Petal looked around and everything was blurred until nothing . She had turned to stone in the middle of the viola garden . The stone butterfly was now stone and perched on her arm . Her stone eyes gazed upon him . It 's a very special kind of love . The two of them tell me they are the only two that share this kind of love . It 's called Kitty Love . I had to get them to explain it . Together they said this kind of love is like having cat treats all the time . Also the face washes are always special even though one of them said she got a little too much slobber on her . The cuddling time in the pink basket was always special as that meant they beat the tom cat to the basket . It puts his nose out of joint . I sighed on that one . I think that is just one of the things they like to do to him , not part of the kitty love thing but I didn 't say anything . If they could package up the Kitty Love thing they thought and give it out to the whole world , it would be such a lovelier place . I didn 't ask if they would sale it . I didn 't want to know really . But the best thing of all they thought about their Kitty Love was each other and the time they spent together . That was the real kitty love . Now that sounded all sweet but I think one was just trying to get her extra treat that the other one didn 't see in her dish . I knew these were his favorite . I think it was more their sunshine color that was his favorite but it didn 't matter , I set out to find some . It took a while to find anything close to what I knew he would like . There had been a rain storm the night before and it pounded the poor flowers . The storm we had reminded me of what he was going through and I continued on with more determination that I would find them . Finally , tucked into the corner under some grasses a bright yellow shone through . I smiled and brushed back the grasses and there they were . Perfect for him . When I opened the door that was when he finally looked at me and gave me a small smile . I was crushing at his pain and wanted so badly to pull him into my arms but I couldn 't . I invited him in and he walked to the table and stopped . I watched him for a second or two as he eyed the yellow daylilies . I thought he was going to either burst into tears or walk straight out . Did I do wrong ? His soft brown eyes met mine . I can 't do this he told me . He then said that he was leaving and starting over somewhere else . My chest was thumping now . Instead I hugged him . He was stiff at first but then he ended up wrapping me in his arms and hugged back with a passion that almost knocked the wind out of me . Then he left and I sat down at the table staring at the daylilies . A week passed and the daylilies were long gone . I was at the kitchen sink when the doorbell rang . When I opened the door a delivery man was there with a bouquet of flowers and a sheepish grin . I thanked him quickly and took the flowers and set them on the table . They were pink daylilies - my favorite color . I opened the card that came with them . The card was sunshine yellow with pink on it . I smiled as I turned over to read it . He blended in at first . Then he climbed onto the rose petals . It appeared to be a nice resting place for him . Then he actually told me that he was staying and was tending to the roses now . I was quite surprised . I asked him who appointed him this job . He was quite indignant about it . " The roses of course silly , who else would do such a thing ? " He didn 't answer me right away , I think he had to think about it . He crawled more into the rose snuggling down , wrapping himself in his petal blink blanket . I thought he wasn 't going to say any more . " The most important thing for my job , is to be a very good friend . " With that he turned his back to me and slipped deeper into the rose 's centre . I thought to myself that for a rose keeper he was probably not being the most truthful friend but then again I know how roses can be . Hi everyone ! Hope you are having a good summer . Here is another piece of cat flash fiction that I hope you will enjoy . Have a great weekend ! It was all good fun until one of them saw one of the shots . The big girl said that I caught her bad side and demanded that I delete that one . I said I liked it but the big girl still insisted that it be deleted . We tried her favorite treats to get her to reveal what the map was about but Niko wasn 't giving anything away . Then one day we decided to follow her and maybe she would lead us to where this map goes . All she did was take us for a very long walk through the yard and garden . No doubt she knew she was being followed . Niko showed us her tummy map a few more times like maybe she was trying to give us some hints but everything we thought of was not right . Finally one day when Niko went out she went straight for a certain part of the yard . We watched from the window . She disappeared into the flower bed that had the bird bath in it . All of us rushed out to the flower bed but when we got there she was no where to be found . We gave up until one day on the door step there were gifts laid out . A violet , small round smooth stone , and a old spoon with a message that read - These are for you for keeping the map safe . Pretending to sleep didn 't fool us . Sleeping by the where the computer keyboard should be - she insisted I move it right in front of the computer . I wondered . One day she actually fell a sleep . This was my chance . I snuck to the computer and wiggled the mouse . There was an indication that there was a message . At that moment she stirred but didn 't wake . The screen woke up from it 's nap . The email disappeared . She also woke up and looked at me with sleepy eyes . Two days later a parcel arrived from Amazon . It was addressed to her . I think that was what the email was about . It was full of cat treats and one cat toy - a mouse . Hi everyone and today I have some spring time pics . The apple crabs and apple trees are out so they inspired todays piece . I hope you enjoy . Have a great weekend ! Here is the piece I was supposed to post last week . I 'm not sure what happened but I thought I pushed published . Blogger sometimes messes with me . Hope you enjoy . So , I decided to write you out a personal invitation . If you so decide , I invite you to a very special picnic under the old apple tree . I 'll make you small cucumber sandwiches , the way you like them . I 'll also put egg salad on the side . With the sandwiches I 'll make your favorite homemade sweet ice tea . To satisfy your sweet tooth , I have homemade angel food cake with fresh strawberries and crème fresh . I hope this will entice you to join me under the apple tree . This invitation has been very carefully placed inside a homemade envelope lovingly addressed to you and only you . I leave it here in your mailbox . Misty sniffed just inside the fence opening . The smell of Black Boy was strong and so was another one . Misty looked over at Suki and Niko . " I 'll lead the way and follow the scent . If anything happens , run for cover . " Suki looked nervous but nodded . Misty poked her head through the fence and sniffed the air . There was no movement anywhere . Everything was too quiet thought Misty . She proceeded to go through the opening in the fence . In she went and stayed close to the fence keeping her eyes wide open to any threat . Niko jumped a head and went towards the old house . She was always the brave one . Suki stuck close to Misty . There was another patch of black fur up a head . Misty sniffed the air before getting to the patch of fur . " It 's not Black Boy . It doesn 't smell like cat . I 'm not sure what that is . " Misty lowered her paw . " Let 's go find Niko . Maybe she has picked something up . " Both Misty and Suki leaped towards the old house to a ledge that went along a broken window . They both looked in . Nothing . Suddenly garbage came tumbling down and both Suki and Misty leaped out of the way . Niko leaped out the window and landed in front of them . Suki hissed at her . " What was that about ? You could have warned us . " The truck that was parked on the street roared to life . All three cats startled . Misty with wide eyes shouted , " Let 's get out of here . " They all ran towards the fence opening . The truck has now backed up to the front door . The three of them watched through the fence opening . Two men had got out and started to bring boxes into the house . They watched intently for a moment . One of the men came back out and brought in what looked like a carrier . Misty tensed . Niko nudged Misty . " What do you think is inside ? " The three of leaped up onto the ledge of the broken window . The man with the cage brought it into the room . They waited for him to open the cage . A growl could be heard when the man undid the cage . Out came a large orange tabby . He looked rough and his one ear had a nip out of it . The orange tab sniffed the air and instantly looked their way . Suki looked at Misty and Niko hid behind both of them . Misty came forward . " We 're part of the neighborhood cats of Blackberry lane . Why were you bought here now when this house is barely livable for the humans ? " The others looked up . The old roof was quite sloped but not hard for a cat to crawl up there . There was also a broken window up there . " My instincts tell me he went up the roof . I can catch his scent . " Niko was the first to leap up . She looked down on them and then swiftly turned and ran up the roof to the window . She peered in and meowed . A loud yowl was her response . The others quickly went up the roof . When they got into the room all they could see was junk and old furniture . Niko meowed again . Another yowl echoed in the room . It was coming from behind a old dresser . Niko cautiously went to the dresser . She sniffed and then sat . " Come out Black , it 's us . " Niko slid underneath and there was another smaller dresser tucked in behind it . Black Boy was in the small drawer and was caught . Suddenly the door to the room opened . All the cats scattered . The smell of fish filled the room . Brutus rubbed up against Matt 's leg and then walked towards the dresser where Black Boy was stuck . Matt followed . " What 's there boy ? " Matt pushed the larger dresser out of the way . " Oh , I see . Blacky , how did you get there ? " Matt reached down and pulled the drawer out further and got Black Boy out . He looked at all the cats and smiled . " I bet you smelled fish didn 't you Black Boy . I brought some fish here last night . You guys have great sniffers . If you guys comes down stairs I 'll give you some fish . " Misty nodded to the others and they followed Matt down into the kitchen . There was an old fridge there Matt reached into the fridge pulled out a package . The cats instantly started to meow around his feet . They all got a feed of fish . Hi and welcome to my website . I am the author of Short Stories & Stuff . Here you will find flash fiction and a few short stories to read each week . Go back and read some of the stories . Hope you enjoy !

Seven months ago today seemed so far away . Seven months ago I lost my precious baby . She should have been born today . ( Or next week if she was anything like her big brother . ) But regardless , we should have her room all ready for her to come join our family any time . My belly should be huge and uncomfortable . We should have gifts for her waiting to be wrapped alongside those we have for Jackson . But we don 't . Sure , life has gone on . But that doesn 't mean that I don 't think about Elizabeth Every . Single . Day . When we started trying again I was so sure that I would be pregnant again by her due date . Why wouldn 't I be ? With Jackson and Elizabeth , we got pregnant our first cycle trying . Why should this time around be any different ? ( I realize that I was extremely lucky and in the minority there . And I will never boast about that , especially not now that I know the struggle it can be waiting to have a baby that you want so desperately . ) Well , fast forward 6 months from when we started trying again and we 're still trying . But we 're not just trying to have another baby . We 're trying to get my cycles regulated so we can even try to try for a baby . It 's been frustrating . It 's been lonely . I know more about my body than I ever wanted to know . I have spent so much time on my knees , pleading for understanding . But I don 't feel that it has come . Not yet anyway . And that is hard . I know that I need to move forward in faith , but sometimes it 's really hard to have faith . Sometimes it is really hard to move past this . I know that having another baby will never fully heal the pain that losing Elizabeth has brought , but it will help . There have been so many times when I have considered deleting my social media accounts because seeing pregnancy announcements is painful . But I don 't . I just hide those people from my feed so I don 't see any more . It 's not because I 'm not happy for them . It 's that I hurt for me . One thing I do know . Losing Elizabeth has opened my eyes to a different world . It 's made me consider how I will do things in thPosted by Before this year I never even knew that this day existed . October 15 was always just another day . But 6 months ago . . . almost to the day . . . Something happened that changed my world . I was so excited to be pregnant again , and just starting to feel sick . I went in for a routine doctor 's appointment , with the only question in mind being , " What can I do to help with morning ( all day ) sickness " as I had a very busy almost - two - year - old I had to chase around , and had to work two days a week . I went in for my dating ultrasound , and the tech asked if I was sure of my dates . If I 'd had any cramping or bleeding . My heart sunk . By the time I actually got to see my doctor , I was in shock . And all alone . As we hadn 't had any problems at all with Jackson , we had no worries , so Jeff went to work that day . If I 'd had any inkling at all of what was going to happen , I would have insisted he go with me . I found out I had lost my baby . I was heartbroken . As it has been six months , things have gotten easier , but I still think of my baby every day . I feel in my heart it was a girl . I would have been so happy to have another boy , to give Jackson a brother to play with . But I longed for a girl , and feeling that it was going to be a girl , I think that almost makes things harder . Anyway , I think of my sweet angel multiple times a day , and she is always the last thing I think about before I fall asleep at night . I should be just 6 weeks away from meeting her . She was due the day before Thanksgiving , and oh how grateful I was . . . for that month that I knew . We had told both of our families , and they were all excited too . From now on , October 15 will have a completely different meaning for me . Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day . And it has been a hard day . I didn 't think it would be , but it has been . Maybe it 's been posts I 've seen on different forums . Maybe it 's all in my head . Maybe it 's that her due date is getting closer . Maybe it 's because there are so many people on facebook and in my ward who are pregnant or have new babies . I can change settings on facebook to control what I see , but I 'm not going to stop going to church , no matter now painful it is - - and there are days that all I do is cry my way through meetings . If I avoid you , or don 't respond to things you post , please don 't take it personally . I just don 't know how to deal with things myself right now . I seem to have been having more hard days lately , and I wonder if that 's why . Maybe it 's that I got pregnant with Jackson and Elizabeth so easily , and now I 'm not even having normal cycles to be able to try . I don 't know . It 's been a hard day . I haven 't had much motivation to do things . It 's been an " Eeyore " kind of a day . I am eternally grateful for my eternal marriage and the knowledge I have that I will one day get to hold my baby . But Oh how I wish that day were sooner than it is going to be . I know that my baby must have been special to have been called Home before she even got the chance to grow up . She must have had a lot more knowledge than her Mommy and fewer things to learn . There have been so many times that I have felt her close . But that hasn 't lessened the pain of our family 's loss . I am so grateful for those of my friends who have opened up about their losses as well . For me , talking about losing Elizabeth has been helpful in healing . I know that for so many people miscarriage is a Taboo subject . I don 't want it to be that way . My baby lived , even if it was just a short time . I don 't want her to be forgotten . And she never will by me . And the pain of losing her will always be there . Another baby - - though so desperately wanted - - will never replace her or completely fill the hole in my heart . And so , to those who may be silently struggling through the loss of a baby and feeling alone - - I know I felt so very alone the first few weeks before people opened up - - know that you are not alone . Don 't be afraid to talk to others or share your feelings . It may help . I know it has for me . As I mentioned in my last post , ( like two months ago now ) we bought a house ! We have been in it for six weeks and still love it . There are very few things that we don 't like . It has been so much fun decorating our home and making it ours . We haven 't been to our ward very many weeks because we 've been out of town , ( and today I 'm home with a sick little boy ) but it is a good ward . It is in the same stake we were in , so I know several people either because they are friends with my parents , parents of friends I had in high school , or were in my ward growing up before boundaries were changed . Kids who I used to babysit are now of babysitting age themselves , and I will probably be calling them from time to time . I didn 't take any before pictures of our yard . When we moved in there were lots of weeds ( there still are , but we 're getting them under control . That is what happens when your house is built on an old hay field . ) The grass was in pretty sad shape too , but it is looking so much better now . The few patches that haven 't resurrected will be turned into garden or flower beds next year . Jackson has had lots of fun helping Daddy work in the yard . He 'll go outside and dig or rake several times a week . We live in a town house . This is our side of the house . If you 're coming to visit , it 's the house with the planter filled with flowers ( currently pink petunias ) on the mail box post and the wreath on the front door . We love that it is an end unit , which has a bigger lot and thus a bigger yard . And there 's a gate to get into the back yard . This picture was taken standing at the front door . Just to the right are the stairs . We love the space that we have in our living room . Our furniture actually fits comfortably here , and there 's really room to spare ! I also love that it is an open floor plan to the dining room and kitchen . When we were looking at houses , I saw this wall and instantly knew that 's where my piano would go ! Isn 't that such a perfect " piano wall ? " Now that we are settled in one place for long - term , I 'm going to start teaching piano lessons . I have a few students lined up , and I 'm looking forward to it . Another shot of our back yard , with the grass looking so much better than it did in that first picture . We have a decent sized patio as well , which will be perfect for barbecuing , just as soon as we get a propane tank for our grill . I am in love with the view out our back windows too . Just to the left is a wonderful view of the sunset every day because it is just a wheat field off that way , and there 's an empty field with a wheat field across the street behind us . And it 's almost a straight shot to the end of the airport runway , which is heaven for my plane - loving little dude ! Whenever he hears a plane coming , he 'll stop what he 's doing and run to the back door or front window to watch the plane fly overhead . And that is usually accompanied by a very excited " Wow ! " This is our dining room . I love that there is actually space to expand our table , and move all the way around it too ! In our first apartment , we couldn 't even have all of our chairs , and in our next apartment , we had all the chairs , but there wasn 't room to put the leaves in or walk around it . I am in love with my kitchen ! It is huge in comparison to what we 've had . . . and yet every cupboard and drawer is full . Wherever did I put things before ? ! The wood is exactly what I 've dreamed of having in my home , so that is perfect . There is tons of light . I have a flat - top stove , which is second best to my true desire of a gas stove ( that 's not even an option here though since we don 't have gas . ) I also love that our microwave is built in which saves so much counter space . It is nice not having to use my table as work space while I 'm cooking . The counter tops are actually identical to my mom 's . Our house was built the same year they remodeled theirs , so it must have been a popular choice that year . Good thing I like her counters ! Lol . And it is a gorgeous tile floor . I may not like it quite so much in the winter because it will be colder , but it looks so good in that space . It 's the same tile in the front entry and the bathroom upstairs . I even have a pantry ! It is under the stairs , so not super huge , but gives us so much extra storage ! I bought these can organizers to save shelf space , but still have lots of cans sitting on the selves . I want Jeff to add a couple more shelves to give me more space , and I want him to build me a vertical can organizer for more food storage space . A re - done pantry will be my Christmas present this year . I love my laundry room ! There is a cupboard up above where I can keep my cleaners and detergent , and there is a clothes - rod above the dryer , so when I do laundry , I bring our empty hangers down with me and hang the clothes up as soon as I take them out of the dryer which saves me so much ironing time ! I don 't mind ironing , but if I don 't have to , I am a happy girl . I love the window which gives us natural light too . Rarely do we turn on lights during the day , anywhere ! This is our half - bath downstairs . It 's not even one of those itty - bitty claustrophobic half - baths like you usually see . There is actually room to move around just not quite enough to have added a shower . Jackson had fun helping me demonstrate how the built - in stool works . Is that not a genius idea ? ! All he has to do is pull it out and he can * almost * reach to wash his hands . He needs help stretching his arms far enough to reach the water , but give him another couple months and it will be perfect . This is Jackson 's room . He loves to stand up on his bed and look out that window to see the planes flying over . It took him some time to adjust to the new house , but he loves his room now , and usually sleeps through the night and takes great naps every day . His room has a good - sized closet , with nice built - ins for lots of storage . This is our spare - room . I need to get a folding table so I can turn it into a craft room . I am so far behind on my scrapbooks , and I have a couple other sewing and craft projects in mind ( shh . . . don 't tell Jeff . That requires a trip to Hobby Lobby . . . and he says that place is forbidden . ) This closet also has nice built - ins . Currently the shelves are being used to store books until I get another bookshelf and our extra towels and sheets . Here 's our main bath . I love the mirror that goes the whole length of the counter ! There is lots of storage in the vanity . This is our room . I love our room ! Those prints hanging above the bed are some Jeff brought back from France . I snuck them away and had them matted and framed for him for a wedding gift so we could display them instead of leaving them in a drawer as he had done for nearly 10 years . They are beautiful ! My grandpa made the sconce on the wall . I love how all the bedrooms have ceiling fans too . That really helps with air circulation to keep the temperature of our house down . My grandpa also made the shelf and helped my dad make my cedar chest . That space is perfect for my cedar chest . I love having it out of the walkway where I am prone to crashing into it in the middle of the night . That little cubby in the wall will one day hold a TV . Yes , that 's what it was meant for . There is a cable - jack in the wall ! That 's just not at the top of our priority list of things to get . Jeff is saving up points at work to get one that way . We have a good sized walk - in closet , again with lots of nice built ins . This is the first time that we 've really had enough closet space for what we need . We actually have lots of books in our closet too , at least until we get another bookcase . . . or four ( I could almost have a private library ! ) This is the top of the stairs outside all the bedrooms and bathroom . We are so happy here in our home . It has been fun making it ours . We definitely prayed about the decision to purchase a home , and we feel that we were definitely led to make the right choice for our family . We will be very happy here for several years . We are excited to welcome our friends and family into our home to visit , so if you 're in the area , please stop by ! Two months have passed since the nightmare of losing our baby . I have felt so much peace through the Gospel . I know that everything will be okay . I have still had some rough days , days where I 've just needed to cry . And it has been hard knowing that I would have been almost far enough along in the pregnancy to find out if we were having a boy or a girl . When I got pregnant , I figured we would find out around my birthday or our anniversary - - now next week or the week after . But many times I have felt the presence of my sweet baby . They are okay . They are happy . And that makes me happy . I also feel that , when the time is right and we are ready again , more babies will come to our family . I don 't know when that will be . That isn 't important right now . This whole experience has taught me to trust in the Lord and His perfect timing . As of late , I have been trying to focus on being a better Mommy to Jackson . He is so much fun , and has quite the little personality . Another post is in the works all about Jackson - - he just turned two , after all , and that is big news ! Jeff and I have also bought a house ! I think that has helped too , giving me something to really look forward to . We close next week and then will move in . We are ready for this new adventure . After we get moved in and have things organized , I 'll post some pictures and share our home with all of you . We 're also looking forward to the " Christmas " we 're going to have as we open all of the boxes that have been in storage for almost a year and finding things we forgot we had : ) Disclaimer : This post is extremely long . I won 't be offended if you don 't read it . It is more for me than anything , but I hope that it is one day able to help someone who is going through a similar situation . Let me start off by saying that I 'm not looking for sympathy . What happened , happened for a reason . What that reason is I have yet to figure out . I just know that it is something I want to share for one so I remember , but for another to maybe someday down the line , be able to help and lift another who is struggling . I have been editing this post for a while , trying to find the best way to put into words how I am feeling , and sharing it in a way that is best . I 'm posting it now because I feel that I am at a place where I feel emotionally ready , but it has taken some time to get there . There have been times through this when I have felt so very alone , and I want to share because I know that I 'm not the only one struggling and I want others going through the same thing to have something to look at to know what what they are feeling is normal , though not always easy . Part of the reason I 've felt alone is because often times , women going through this are often silent . I want to end that silence and be a strength to others . One month ago today , on March 25 we found out that I was pregnant . I was due around the end of November or the first of December . I was beyond excited . I was ready to be a Mommy again , to have another sweet baby to snuggle . Being pregnant is hard , but I was looking forward to feeling my sweet baby move inside me . I was crossing my fingers for a little girl , but would have been equally as happy to have another little boy to give Jackson a little brother to play with . We told our families using a sign I made for Jackson to hold that said " Every Superhero needs a sidekick and I get mine in November . " They were excited too . Both grandmas told me I needed to have a girl to even things out , granddaughter # 5 for the Ponds and # 1 for the Goods . Of course , they would have been happy with a little boy too . I went to the doctor on April 6 , and when I had my ultrasound , everything looked good , it was just too early to see a heartbeat , so they scheduled me to go back in for another appointment two weeks later . That appointment was this past Monday , April 20 . Jeff was at work and I left Jackson home with Mom and headed out . They called me into the ultrasound and started , and as I looked at the screen and the ultrasound tech got silent , I knew something was wrong . She asked if I 'd had any spotting . No , of course I haven 't . I 'm very pregnant . My morning sickness is getting worse . I can 't wear any of my regular pants and just went to the storage unit for my maternity clothes on Saturday . But as the ultrasound continued and I didn 't see much at all on the screen , my heart started to fall . I didn 't give up hope though . I couldn 't . I went back out into the waiting room to wait for the doctor . But when I saw the look on the nurse 's face when she called me back , I knew that it wasn 't good news . I sat down in the room , and saw it written across the top of the paper . " Fetal demise . " My heart was broken . What had happened ? When had my sweet baby died ? Why hadn 't I had any symptoms of miscarriage ? The doctor came in and offered condolences . He told me that it wasn 't because of anything I 'd done . These miscarriages are usually caused by chromosomal abnormalities that doesn 't allow a baby to develop . He told me that we could wait to see what would happen , he could give me medicine to allow my body to start the process , or we could do surgery . I immediately said that I wanted to let my body do it on it 's own . My mind was blank , and I didn 't have any questions for him . . . at the time . He asked where my husband was . Still being fairly new at his job , he doesn 't have time to take off to make it to every single appointment with me . It was so hard for me to be alone when I received that news though . I longed for him to be there holding my hand . He told me that if Jeff had been there , he would have told him that it will be harder on me that I left the office , and called Mom to let her know that I was going to drive out to Melaleuca . It was Jeff 's lunch , and I needed to be with him . I needed to tell him in person . I sobbed the entire way across town . Why did I have to be alone ? When I pulled into the parking lot , Jeff ran out to the car . I told him that I 'd miscarried , and we cried together . He held my hand as tears flowed down my face . At the end of his lunch , I left and drove home . Mom held me as I cried some more . I went and rocked my sweet little boy to put him down for his nap as I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father , pleading for comfort . That afternoon , I got a call from my doctor . He had reviewed the ultrasound , and gotten the opinion of the radiologist as well , and he said that he wasn 't 100 % positive that it was a miscarriage , he wanted me to go have my blood drawn to check my hcg levels , and to go back on Wednesday for another test to see if they were going up or down . That gave me a little bit of hope . I got back in the car and drove back across town to have my blood drawn . Monday night Jeff held me in his arms as I sobbed . I wanted this little baby so bad . I wanted it to be okay . I wanted this to be a bad dream . He gave me a blessing that brought me a bit of comfort , but my heart was still breaking . I took a sleeping pill to help me sleep through the night . I got up on Tuesday and went to work , but my mind wasn 't there . I sat in my classroom through my lunch hour and planned out sub lessons in case my situation warranted taking next week off . They called on Tuesday afternoon to give me the number . Around 48 , 000 . My doctor called me that night to see how I was doing . I told him that I was hanging in there . He told me to come back in the next day to see what my levels were and we 'd take it from there . Tuesday night I again broke down in tears in Jeff 's arms , thinking about and longing for all of the experiences I wouldn 't have with my baby . I wouldn 't feel it 's movements inside of me . I wouldn 't know if it was a boy or a girl . I wouldn 't ever kiss it 's sweet face , or smell it 's new baby smell , or count it 's fingers or toes . Jeff told me that we didn 't know for sure that we 'd lost the baby and not to give up yet . It was just so hard for me to even have the thought in my mind that I had likely lost my sweet baby . Once again , I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep . Again on Wednesday , I was at work , but my heart wasn 't . Neither was my mind . I drove numbly to the doctor 's office for another blood draw after I got off . I was trying to hold out hope , but I think I knew deep down that my sweet baby was gone . Thursday was such a long day . It had been such a long week already . I was mentally , emotionally , and physically exhausted . I went visiting teaching , when I saw my sweet companion , I told her what was going on . She said that she 's been there too , and asked me to let her know when I found out . We went to the grocery store . Still no call . Waiting was so nerve - wracking . I think I knew when I hadn 't heard anything that morning that it wasn 't going to be good news , because my doctor had told me that he should have the results first thing in the morning , though I also knew that he was scheduled in surgery all day . Finally , about 3 : 00 I couldn 't take it any more and I called the office . My level had dropped to around 43 , 000 . The nurse put me on the schedule to see the doctor at 8 : 30 Friday morning so we could discuss my questions and go over what path I wanted to take . I hung up the phone , and sobbed harder than I think I 've ever sobbed in my life . There it was in black and white . My sweet baby who I was so excited to meet , was gone . I never would have any of those experiences that I was looking forward to . Jeff arranged to go into work late on Friday so he could go with my to visit the doctor . I knelt in prayer before we left asking for strength , telling my Father that I was done waiting , and asked Him what would be the best option for me , whether to take the medication and have the miscarriage at home or surgery . I felt that either option would be okay , that it was my choice . I told Jeff on our way out that I was done waiting . Emotionally , I couldn 't take it any more . As the doctor discussed things with us , Jeff stepped up and said that we would go ahead with the surgery . I was scared , because I would be all alone . Having surgery is scary anyway , but the situation made it so much worse . But almost immediately I felt calm . I knew that it would be the best path for us . We scheduled the surgery for 3 : 00 pm ( because I 'd eaten breakfast and it needed to be 8 hours after I 'd eaten anything ) and came home to wait until we needed to leave to be to the hospital to check in 2 hours before my surgery . The day crawled on . I was nervous , but calm at the same time , if that makes sense . Probably not . I think I was just glad to know that my nightmare was almost over . When we got to the hospital , I got all checked in and put in a room to wait . I read my scriptures and the Ensign while I waited while Jeff sat by my side and held my hand while he played on his phone . I had nurses coming in to take my vitals , and blood . And the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about the anesthesia . I signed what I needed to , but really , everything went in one ear and out the other . We were both nervous , and really weren 't looking forward to it . Finally I was wheeled back into pre - op and prepared for the surgery . When it was go time , I kissed Jeff goodbye and they took me back into the OR . They had me transfer onto the operating table , and covered me with some more warm blankets because I was freezing . They put the anesthesia into my IV , and the next thing I knew I was starting to hyper - ventilate because I was waking up and realized that my baby was gone . The nurse told me to breathe and at that moment I felt peace wash over me . Through the rest of the day I felt great peace . When they brought Jeff into the recovery room to see me , I told him what I 'd felt . We sat and talked until they were ready to release me to come home . I felt so much peace . I can honestly say that I felt the sweet spirit of my little baby with me , letting me know that they were okay . That was such a comfort to me . When we got home , Dad handed me a bouquet of flowers that my visiting teaching companion had brought over while I was gone . It was nice to feel that I wasn 't so alone , that people were thinking of me . I was glad that I 'd shared what I was going through with her . I didn 't have any pain and felt good . I knew that I had made the right choice to have the surgery and that I would be able to start moving forward . Saturday started out okay . I was still feeling peace from Friday . Jeff 's parents sent me a bouquet of white and yellow daisies that helped me to feel loved . However , as they day went on and I was doing my best to take care of Jackson as everyone else was working outside or getting dinner ready , I did a little too much and pulled something in my abdomen . I 'd been told to take it easy , and I guess dragging a screaming toddler into his room to change a messy diaper doesn 't qualify as " taking it easy . " Up to that point , I hadn 't had any physical pain , but as it set in and everyone else was still occupied with other things , I lost it . I had also been reading a book recommended to me by a friend , and in that book it stated that sometimes it helps grieving parents who have lost babies to be able to name their babies . That hurt my heart as well , because it was too soon to even know if we were expecting a boy or a girl , so I can 't even give my baby a name . I wish I could , so I could refer to them with a name instead of just " the baby " or " my baby . " That was the last straw for me . I had a break down . It was hard - core , ugly sobs . I physically didn 't have strength to even stand up . I tried and I collapsed onto the chair just sobbing . Eventually , Jeff was able to help me up , but he practically had to carry me downstairs so we could be alone and talk and work through what I was feeling . It took me so long to calm down . I was crying so hard that I couldn 't breathe . And I wonder if I was starting to go into a type of shock because my entire body was shaking and I was shivering even though I wasn 't cold . Finally I was able to find the words to ask him for a blessing and that helped calm me down . Looking back on that event now , a few days later , I can see that I just needed to let myself grieve . I needed to mourn what I 'd lost . Losing a child is not an easy thing , no matter when they were lost . I was only about seven weeks pregnant , but that doesn 't make my pain less . I had already grown to love that sweet baby growing inside me . I was looking forward to so many things with that baby , and it felt like it had all been ripped away from me in an instant . I had a difficult time sleeping on Saturday night . I woke up on Sunday and got ready for church . Dad said that he would go help Jeff teach our Sunbeams because I knew I didn 't have the energy to go and teach those active three and four year - olds . I wasn 't sure I even wanted to stay for all three hours of meetings . I knew , however , that I needed to take the sacrament . My mind wasn 't very present in the meeting , except for during the musical number , I Believe in Christ . I do believe in Christ . Through Christ I will be able to hold my sweet little baby again , just not in this life as I had planned and wanted . The last talk also really spoke to me . It was about trusting in the Lord and His timing . That isn 't necessarily an easy thing right now , as I wanted that baby so badly and couldn 't understand why I wasn 't given the opportunity to meet my baby . I laid my head on Jeff 's shoulder and let my tears flow through the meeting . I did end up going to Sunday School and Relief Society , mostly because I didn 't know if I could stand to be alone for two hours until the rest of the family got home . The mom of one of my Sunbeams sat next to me and asked if I was taking a Sabbatical from Sunbeams , so I told her why I was there . That afternoon , she had her daughter bring me a couple flowers they 'd picked in their garden , some cookies , and a picture she 'd drawn for me . I was able to take a nap after church , and that helped to clear my mind . I needed that so much , especially since I hadn 't slept much all week long . I felt a little better after I woke up . Jeff and I kept Jackson downstairs with us that evening and played with him . It was nice to be able to talk and communicate . We watched a movie as a family , which had a few spots that made me tear up , but it was nice to spend the time together . As he was playing , Jackson dug into his toy bucket and pulled out one of his baby teethers and brought it to us , grinning . He loved chewing on those little butterfly teethers when his teeth were coming in . That set me off . All of his baby toys would have been cleaned for our new baby . Of course Jackson didn 't understand . He was just showing us one of his favorite toys he 'd found . Jeff just held me as I cried . During the night on Sunday , I woke up with horrible cramps . I had been sleeping , and woke up crying out in pain . I couldn 't even move . Jeff got out of bed and got my ibuprofen and some crackers and water , then held me until the pain had dissipated enough for me to be able to move , then he laid and rubbed my back helping me relax to be able to fall back asleep . I am so grateful for him . That incident was the worst my physical pain has been . Yesterday was a good day . I 'm pretty well just taking it easy , because I know if I do too much I start to hurt , so I 've let Jackson have way too much TV time , but I need to allow myself to fully recover so I can be a good Mommy again . I did a lot of indexing . The needed projects right now are obituaries , and I was able to handle that just fine . I can 't do much , but that is one way that I can serve right now . I received another flower delivery yesterday , some beautiful purple roses and a yellow daisy . The card was unsigned , other than my favorite quite from President Hinckley , " Don 't get discouraged . Things will work out . " I had that quote written inside the front cover of my scriptures that I had on my mission . It was a reminder that I needed . Things will work out . It 's hard right now . But it will all be okay . I 'm taking this week off work , to allow myself time to physically recover , but start healing emotionally as well . Granted , now that I would have had one of my days of work finished already I really don 't think I would have had physical energy to go today . Yesterday I was exhausted after simply taking a shower . Today I made it as far as taking a walk and helping get dinner in the crock - pot before I crashed . But I crashed hard this afternoon . If I 'd been in my bed instead of on the couch I would have probably slept for a few hours . I 'll just go to bed early tonight . And I am still in physical pain as well . I can control it with ibuprofen and it is very manageable . It is a hard reminder for me , however , of the sweet baby that I lost . I 'm working through the grieving process . The Gospel is helping me and bringing me strength . I can 't imagine going through this loss without the knowledge that I will be able to hold my sweet baby someday . And , as I have given it lots of thought over the past days , I have realized that I am so blessed that Heavenly Father chose me to bring that sweet spirit to earth . All that sweet baby needed was a body . They didn 't actually need to live on the earth . My sweet baby was a choice spirit . Heavenly Father has an important work for them to do on the other side . I know that I have been inspired to be more faithful . I 've always known that I wanted to return to the Celestial Kingdom after I pass from this life , but now . . . I have to . My baby is there , and I know they are , because they lived a perfect life . And they are so blessed . My baby will never know pain . Never know sorrow . Never know anger , or hate , or any of the tragedies that come along with life . My baby will only know happiness and love , because that is all I felt as I carried my sweet baby for those few weeks that I knew I was . My baby sent to teach me faith , and perseverance , and I 'm sure many other lessons that I have yet to learn . I will get through this . Last week was hell . There is no other way to put it . Knowing that I was carrying a dead baby . . . I 've never felt anything worse . I 've never felt lower , or weaker . The peace I felt on Friday was relieving . That was short lived as I broke down again on Saturday and Sunday . But yesterday and today have been good days . I realize that I will probably still have bad days as well . There will be things that touch a tender string in my heart and set me off again . This morning I was watching a show and a commercial put me in tears . I have a wonderful husband by my side , and a handsome little boy who is always so happy . Jackson doesn 't understand why Mommy is sad , but someday this will help us better teach our children about the Plan of Salvation . Jeff has been wonderful for me . He has been patient and understanding and supportive . He 's held me as I 've cried . He 's rubbed my back and my feet to help me relax . He 's given me numerous blessings . I am so grateful for my parents as well for the help they 've given us this past week . My mom has tended to Jackson 's needs much more than I have this week . Though I 'm starting to feel more human now , I still need to heal and still need help , and I 'm grateful that I have constant help . I have also felt prayers offered up by many people . That has brought a lot of strength as well . More time has passed . It has now been four weeks since I got the devastating news that I had miscarried . I am physically healing . My pain now is gone . There is nothing to physically indicate that I was even pregnant . Immediately after surgery I was able to wear my regular pants again . The bleeding has stopped . Most people I know will never know about my sweet baby . That does break my heart , but I will never forget . I have been able to get down on the floor and play with Jackson again and take him for walks which he loves . My energy is back and I am able to do everything I need to . More importantly , however , is the fact that I am emotionally healing . Finding out that I had lost a baby was hands down the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life . It took me quite a while to find myself again . I was simply existing , methodically going through each day . I would get out of bed when Jackson woke up , and take care of him all day , as much as I could from the couch anyway . When Jeff got home , I would turn responsibility of Jackson back over to him . Most days I would take a nap , because I just didn 't have energy to make it through the day otherwise . Knowing that I have struggled with depression in the past , usually when emotionally difficult things have come my way , I was worried . Really worried . I didn 't want to go down that road again , because I know how hard it is to come back . But now , I can honestly say that I don 't think I 'm at risk of going there . I credit a loving husband and lots of prayer . I have had a very good support system , and that has helped me a lot . Of course there have still been times when I have felt so alone . I 've had some really rough days . But I 've started having some good days as well . I can honestly say that I have felt joy again . At first , I didn 't know it would be possible . It seemed my world had ended . But last Saturday , spending the day with my little family at the zoo , I felt joy . Jeff and Jackson are my life . They are what truly bring me joy . I laughed for the first time in two weeks that day , and it felt good . My faith has been tested and tried through this , and it has been strengthened . I know it has . I am so grateful for a temple marriage that gives me that assurance that as I live my life in accordance with the Gospel , I will be able to return Home again and be able to hold my little baby in my arms . I am grateful for personal revelation that has allowed me to know without a doubt that my baby is okay . I have learned a lot about myself the past few weeks . And I am grateful for what I have learned . The way in which I had to learn these things have been hard . I wish it could have been learned in a different way . But it couldn 't . Right now I don 't understand why , but someday I will . I have a loving Heavenly Father who can see the big picture of things , and He knows why everything fits into our lives in the way that it does . I have still had bad days . Some days , I just need to let myself cry . I am trying to be strong , and I 'm trying to put on a happy face , but there are days that are hard . Mother 's Day was really hard for me , because I should have been far enough along to be able to announce that I was going to be a Mommy again , and that really hurt . I snapped as we were on our way out the door to church , and had a rough time through the whole block of meetings . I came home and wrote out my feelings in my journal and took a nap and felt better . I have found that expressing all of my feelings really helps me . I can 't keep things bottled up inside . It is hard for Jeff to see me still hurting , but I am so grateful for the patience he has shown me through all of this . Physically , I am fine . I feel like I am back to my normal self . However , it will take me time to completely heal emotionally . I have had some special experiences that have brought me a lot of peace and comfort . The past week has been really good . The last time I needed to cry was on Mother 's Day . Instead of putting on a happy face , I have felt happier . I know I 'm not 100 % healed yet , because I do still feel some sadness when I think about losing my baby , and I don 't know if I ever will . But what I do know is that I can live with it , and that I am stronger because of it . Jeff and I are went to the temple on Friday . That brought a lot of very needed peace . We hadn 't been to the temple since before we found out I was expecting because the Idaho Falls Temple is closed for some remodeling , so it had been about two months , which is way too long . I left feeling rejuvenated . On Saturday we went to the Second Chance Prom and I was able to really let down my guard and just have fun . That was liberating . These lyrics spoke to me right now . I 've realized that this trial was given to me to help me be more like the Savior . I do feel stronger than I did four weeks ago . I 've learned things about myself that I couldn 't have learned any other way . And I am grateful for that . My Savior has suffered for me so that I am able to overcome this . The Gospel is true . Without it , I would be so lost right now . This experience has strengthened my faith in my Savior and my testimony of the Plan of Salvation . Without a doubt , I know it is true . One day , when my time on earth is finished ( and I hope it won 't be for many , many years ) I will be able to take my baby into my arms and hold them . My choice is to , instead of longing for what could have been , focus on the many blessings I have been given , because there are so many . In Heavenly Father 's due time I will be able to add to my family . But for right now , I have a wonderful little boy and amazing husband who love me and who I love more than life itself . We are an eternal family , with one child here and one sweet Angel looking down on us from above . It has been over six months since I last updated our blog . Life is good . Jackson is growing up so fast . Just 2 more months until he will be two . He is a wonderful little boy . He loves playing with trains and cars , and playing outside . Oh boy does he love playing outside . He would spend all day from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed outside if we 'd let him . The Easter Bunny brought him a bubble lawn mower and garden tools . He loves bubbles . We could blow bubbles all day long . He is always so excited when we tell him to go get his shoes because he knows that means going outside . He says new words each week , and is constantly babbling . We can understand a lot of what he says . It is so fun watching him discover and learn new things every day . He has such a fun little personality . We transitioned , or rather ripped off like a band - aid , Jackson out of his crib around Thanksgiving . He was crying one night , and Jeff walked in to find him hanging headfirst over the side . We took the mattress out that night , and Jeff and Dad built him a toddler bed for Christmas . He loves his big boy bed . When we tell him it 's time to go night night , he will usually run and jump on his bed . Of course , after we close the door for the night he usually gets up and plays for a while before getting in bed and falling asleep for good , but he is pretty good about going to bed . He still enjoys his snuggles from Mommy , which I love . We cuddle and rock every day before his nap , and usually for a while before bed . We are still living with Mom and Dad . It has been eight months now that we 've been here . Yes , we miss having our own space , but we do appreciate the help we 've received to allow us to save money . We hope to soon have enough saved up to be able to have enough saved for our own home . We do enjoy our ward though . Of course , this is the ward I grew up in so I know many of the people who live here , but Jeff has also been able to get to know some people . He was called to teach Sunbeams with me , so together we have 7 - 9 active Sunbeams each Sunday . It is sometimes a bit of a challenge , but we love the sweet spirit each child has . Jackson started nursery right after Christmas , and he is finally starting to like it . This past Sunday was our first Sunday without tears . Big progress right there folks ! We have an appointment to take our little man to see a gastroenterologist at Primary Children 's Hospital in a few weeks . He 's never been a big eater , but was on antibiotics for an ear infection a couple months ago and actually ate well and asked for more for the first time in his life . But that only lasted for about a week and a half . Last year we had him in the doctor for what was thought to be a viral something or other in his gut , but it wasn 't ever really resolved . Our pediatrician wants to be safe rather than sorry and feels that a second opinion is best , to see if maybe he has some sort of bacterial infection in his gut . It will be nice to have the peace of mind at the very least . Jeff still enjoys his job at Melaleuca . He has been there for about seven months now . It has been good for him to be able to use his mission French . That 's been fun for him . I still enjoy teaching music at the elementary school too . I 've only got another month left of the school year until I am done with that though . We 'll see what happens next year whether or not I go back and teach again . I do miss teaching full - time , but I hate leaving Jackson on the days that I work . I 've always wanted to be a stay at home Mommy . That is where I 'm truly happy .

While Felix was a friendly little goof , Socks was always stand - offish and a bit high - strung . I would pet her a little bit every day , but she didn 't really care if she got petted or not . Meanwhile , Felix would be crawling all over me , rubbing and snuggling . Things changed when one day a young bobcat came up onto my porch and attacked Socks . Through the glass in the porch door , I saw a blur of tan fur chasing her , and heard the thump of them hitting the porch wall . I jumped up and opened the porch door , to see Socks crammed into the corner of the porch , held down by one of the bobcat 's huge paws . They both looked up at me . I didn 't want to threaten the bobcat into attacking me , but I had to make it let go of my kitty , so I reached down and tapped it lightly on the side . That startled it into letting go of Socks . She dashed into the house , and the bobcat jumped off the porch and stood there watching me . I didn 't want it hanging around to possibly attack my kitties again , so I ran outside yelling and waving my arms , and it trotted off around the house . I chased it twice around the house , until it finally took off down the road . I found Socks hiding in the kitchen under the cabinets . I let her stay there until she felt like coming out the next day . The whole side of her face was swollen where the bobcat had whacked her head , and her eye got infected from a small puncture wound near her eye , but she recovered completely after that . She also decided at that point that I was okay , and we became friends . Sadly , I lost Felix when he was about a year and four months old . Socks really missed her brother , but even worse , without Felix around , Spot started to harass Socks terribly . I started keeping her inside all the time so Spot couldn 't chase her away , and I was constantly breaking up fur - tearing fights , and poor Socks was so stressed , she was peeing and pooping everywhere . Finally , one day , I shut Socks in my spare bedroom with a litter box and food and water , just to get a little peace and quiet . I figured she 'd be crying to be let out soon enough and I 'd open the door then , but she never did . In fact , she seemed much happier to have a space of her own without that big old bully always after her . So from then on , she had her own room . I visited her every day , but I did worry a bit about her being alone most of the time . I remembered how much she loved her brother , and thought she might like a friend , so in 2006 , I got another cat from my brother 's ranch , Jerry . Unfortunately , it turned out Socks didn 't want another friend . She didn 't want anything to do with Jerry . Thankfully , they didn 't fight , but they never got to be close , either . Two years ago , I lost my heart kitty , Spot . I still miss my big orange buddy , but with him gone , there was no reason to keep the girls shut in their room any longer , so I opened the door and let them come out into the rest of the house . After a couple of days of wondering what all this new space was about , Socks decided she was queen of the house , and claimed it as her own . As she got older , Socks started having some difficult health problems . She developed stomatitis and had to have her teeth pulled , and she was put on prednisolone . She absolutely hated taking medicine , and wasn 't eating reliably enough to put meds in her food , but fortunately we were able to get the pred in a transdermal gel I could rub on her ear flap , and she grew to tolerate that . Later , she developed hypercalcemia , which is often a symptom of lymphoma . Many tests , including a biopsy , couldn 't find any sign of lymphoma , so we just treated her high calcium with weekly Fosamax pills . She didn 't like that at all , either , but at least it was only once a week ! And for a while , it controlled her hypercalcemia , and she was doing pretty well . Then , earlier this summer , she started throwing up a lot and losing weight . Again , the vet couldn 't find anything wrong in exams and blood tests , so he thought it was just a side effect of the meds she was on , and put her on an anti - nausea med . That was a liquid she had to take every day . She really hated that , and it became a bit of a daily battle to get it into her , but it did stop the vomiting and she started doing better again . Fortunately , she didn 't hold a grudge , and five minutes after the hated syringe of medicine , she 'd be in my lap purring up a storm . This past weekend , she suddenly stopped eating , and spent all day Saturday hiding in the cat tree . I thought if she wasn 't better the next day , I 'd take her to the vet on Monday . On Sunday , she sat in my lap for a little while , but didn 't purr and didn 't seem like she could get comfortable . When she jumped down , she suddenly started howling in pain . I decided I 'd better not wait , so I bundled her up and drove her to the emergency vet 50 miles away . Turned out she had a huge tumor in her abdomen , and was severely anemic , probably due to internal bleeding from the tumor . It seems likely now that she did have lymphoma all along , but it hid from detection until it was too late . Treatment would have required surgery , which she might not have survived because she was so sick , and which wouldn 't have had a high chance of success anyway . So I decided to let her go . I used to call her my fussy little diva . She wanted everything just so , and she would let you know if things weren 't to her liking . If she didn 't think she was getting enough attention , she was inclined to stop eating . The food she liked one day she refused to touch the next day . When she sat in my lap , I was required to stop whatever else I was doing and stay still and pet her - just enough , but not too much - or she 'd jump off and run away . She terrorized the pet sitter and hid from guests . She 'd prowl the house at night , knocking things off counters , and playing loudly with her toys at 5 AM . Sometimes she drove me crazy , but I loved her dearly . Today is 49 days since my kitty Spot died . There is a Buddhist belief that after someone dies , they will spend up to 49 days in a transition state called " bardo " before moving on to the next life . So relatives and friends of the dead will continue to pray and make offerings for them for 49 days , to try to help them achieve an auspicious rebirth . I wanted to post a memorial to Spot right away , but it was too hard to look at pictures of him and think about him . I thought maybe after one month I would post , but after a month I still couldn 't do it . So then I thought I would post after 49 days . I don 't know if the 49 day bardo applies to animals , too , but if it does , then today Spot is off to a new life . I hope it is a good one for him , and that his suffering is less than it was in his past life . And , I appear to have a cat . Several other people had spotted it before I finally met it on Thursday . A nice big orange tabby . He was a bit skittish , but quite friendly once he finally decided to come out and say hi . Apparently he 's been living under the house . There was some cat food left there , and I put some out for him , and my brother said he would stop by every couple of days to put out some more , so I 'm hoping he 'll be okay until I can move down for good . ( I remember trying to take that picture : Spot kept trying to climb my leg , he was so eager to be petted and loved , I couldn 't get him to stay on the ground to be photographed . Poor guy had been mostly on his own all winter . I 'd been driving down for the weekend every other week or so , and putting out food for him when I was here , but otherwise he had to feed himself with whatever mice and squirrels and such he could find . ) Then yesterday , I was sitting on the couch near the doors that lead out to the deck , and I thought I heard a meow . And there he was , complaining loudly and demanding food and skritches . " I 'm glad you 're here ! " I said . " Now you can catch that mouse that 's been running around . " So it seems I have a cat . Or he has me . Since it looks like he 's here for good , I figured I 'd better give him a name . I 'm calling him Spot , after Data 's cat . At first , he was an outdoor kitty . He 'd been used to living outdoors , and I was still dealing with pretty bad cat allergies , so I didn 't think I could bring him inside . Of course , he had other plans - it was hot in the summer , and I 'd leave the door open , and the screen door didn 't always latch , and he was perfectly capable of opening the screen door and strolling in . Usually , I 'd pick him up and take him back outside . But he 'd come right back in if he had the chance , acting like he owned the place . I 'd go outside and sit on the porch with him . I remember that summer , spending mornings on the porch with my coffee and Gameboy , playing Yu - Gi - Oh ! games while Spot twined around me and purred . Such perfect , golden mornings ! I hadn 't had a cat since high school , since I 'd developed such horrible cat allergies I could barely be in the same room with one , and although I 've always loved cats , I spent thirty years without one . Then I moved here , and there he was ! The decision made for me : I had a cat . In late June or so , I got a couple of kittens from my brother 's ranch : Miss Socks and her brother , Felix . Unfortunately , Spot did not want kittens in his space . After a couple of days , he took off and was gone for over a week . I was almost ready to give the kittens back , but finally , Spot came back ! I was sooooo happy ! I took him into the house and let him stay there after that . I left the back door propped open for the rest of the summer so Spot could come and go as he pleased . He mostly stayed indoors or behind the house , while the kitties stayed in the front , and an uneasy truce was maintained . A year later , though , Felix went out hunting and never came back . After that , things deteriorated between him and Socks . I suppose he thought he 'd finally gotten rid of one of those pesky kittens , so now he 'd get rid of the other one ! And Socks was always hostile towards Spot , too , unlike Felix , who loved everybody and everything and was on his way toward making Spot his friend . When I had the three kitties , Felix acted as a sort of buffer between Socks and Spot . Without him , Spot terrorized Socks until she was peeing everywhere , and I was breaking up fights several times a day . Finally , I put her in the back room - where I 'd already set up food and water dishes and a litter box for her , so she could eat and pee in peace most of the time - and closed the door . I thought she 'd be meowing to be let out after a while , but she never did . She seemed to enjoy having a room of her own , safe from that mean old orange kitty . So she lived in there , and Spot had the rest of the house to himself . After a while , I thought Socks must be lonely living in a room by herself most of the time , so I got Jerry to keep Socks company . It turned out that Socks didn 't really want any company . She tolerated Jerry , but they never got to be friends . Spot was a very affectionate kitty , once he got comfortable wtih me . He liked to sit on my lap for hours - and he 'd get mad if I tried to pick him up and move him off me . He 'd never really learned to get along with people as a kitten , and he could be rough sometimes . He 'd take a swipe at me or even bite me if he didn 't want to be moved . I finally figured out that the only way to get up without having him swipe at me was to just stand up and dump him off my lap . Same if I wanted to sit down and he was in my spot - I couldn 't pick him up and move him , I 'd just sit half on top of him and he 'd jump up and run off . But if I picked him up and held him , he 'd snuggle against me and grip my shoulder with his paws and purr and let me walk around with him and even dance him around . He loved to be hugged and snuggled and petted . He 'd come when I called , most of the time . I remember one time , I was standing on the porch and he was outside down near the road . Just to see what he 'd do , I called , " Here Kitty , Kitty , Kitty . " He looked up at me , then took off running toward me as fast as he could go , across the yard and up onto the porch and right to me . I petted him and told him he was a good kitty ! If I wanted him to sit with me , I could call him and pat the seat beside me or my lap and he 'd jump right up . I often wondered how such an excellent cat came to be living as a stray at my house . I thought maybe someone had abandoned him there . It wasn 't until several years later that I found out his story : one day while I was out , my mom was at my place outside in the yard with Spot when the neighbor up the road drove by . Our neighbor recognized Spot and told my mom that she 'd taken in Spot and his brother as kittens when their owner didn 't want them . But Spot and his brother kitty didn 't get along , and eventually Spot 's brother chased him away . The neighbor thought he 'd probably been eaten by a coyote or a bobcat , and was surprised and glad to see him still alive and in a happy home . He was clearly a very smart and savvy cat , to be able to survive on his own all that time , until I could come and give him a home . But that explained why he 'd never learned to get along with other cats , if his own littermate had chased him away . When I talked to him , he seemed to understand what I was saying . He didn 't talk much , but when he did , you could tell it was because he had something to say . He 'd look me right in the eye and meow like he expected me to know exactly what he meant . He could open doors if they weren 't latched - he 'd hook his foot around the screen door or a cupboard door and pull it open . Or , if it opened in , he 'd just put his big , hard head against it and push it open . Sometimes he 'd go inside a cupboard and check things out . I 'd wonder where he was and go around the house opening cupboard doors , and he 'd stroll out like he belonged there . My mom likes to tell the story of the time he came next door to get her to come to my place and let him in . This is how it happened : after she moved in next door to me , he 'd go up and visit her now and then . Sometimes I 'd let him outside when I left for the library in the morning , and then later she 'd drive into town and get the mail . On her way home , she 'd stop at my place to drop off my mail , and she 'd let Spot in the house . One day , though , I didn 't have any mail , so she drove on by and went home . But when she got there , Spot was waiting for her on her porch . He 'd seen her drive by and went next door to get her . He started down the hill to my place , stopping and turning to make sure she was following . Once he saw she was coming , he took off back home . When she got to my place , he was waiting by the door for her . So she opened the door so he could go inside . He loved to hunt mice and squirrels and lizards and anything else he could get , and generally he ate what he caught . One summer , he went out every morning and caught himself a chipmunk and brought it up onto the porch to eat . He 'd eat it on the porch doormat , consuming everything but the tail . After he was done , I 'd take the doormat and toss the tail down into the yard . After a month or so , I went down into the yard , and was startled to see it carpeted in chipmunk tails ! They were everywhere . If he could , he 'd sneak into the house with his prey . Then the mouse would get away from him and hide under the desk or the couch . He 'd lose interest and walk away - and I 'd be stuck with a rodent in the house ! I 'd tell him , you 're supposed to be keeping the mice out of the house , not bringing them in ! I 'd try to remember to check his mouth before opening the door for him , but sometimes I 'd forget . Eventually , he learned to dash past me and run into the bathroom with his prey . I 'd close the door and let him finish it off . I worried about him when he was out late , but he knew how to take care of himself , and always managed to avoid the coyotes and bobcats and other predators out there . What he couldn 't avoid were all the various health problems that plagued him . About a year after we moved in , he started coughing , but a steroid shot fixed him right up . The vet thought it was mild asthma . A year or so later , he started having trouble peeing . He had crystals in his urine that were blocking him . Putting him on special food fixed that . He got ear mites really bad one summer , and it took months of medicines and ear drops to finally clear them up . He got various injuries that had to be treated . But he was a tough guy and bounced right back from most everything . We evacuated three times for fires . The first time wasn 't really necessary - I 'd gotten spooked by a panicky neighbor and spent the night at my mom 's place in town . Whenever he was in a new place , he inspected it thoroughly , sniffing around and peering into every corner , until he was satisfied he knew where he was , and then he was fine . I remember my mom telling me that , while I was at work , at one point she couldn 't find Spot and was worried that he 'd gotten out . She looked all over her apartment , but couldn 't find him , until she opened the cupboard above the kitchen counter next to the refrigerator - and there he was , looking out at her ! He 'd apparently thought it was a good place to hang out . The second time was for the West Fire - the one that started a quarter of a mile from my place and burned half our mountain . Mom had moved up next door to me by then , so both of us and our cats packed up and went to my brother 's place . At first , we put Spot in one of the rabbit hutches . He didn 't like that at all , and spent most of the time sitting in his litter box . The third time was the Canyon Fire , when we lost our home . This time , we stayed in my brother 's guest house , and Spot had the run of the place . Once he 'd checked everything out , he was pretty comfortable in the place . In the Sept . 9 , 2011 post , Life Goes On , I wrote : Sleeping on the fold - out bed in my brother 's guest house with my kitty curled up next to me purring , I thought , he doesn 't care that the house is gone . He 's happy because he has me . A safe place to stay , food and water , someone who loves him to snuggle up with at night . That 's all he needs . So I take a lesson from my kitty . I have everything I need . All will be well . After the fire , we moved in with my mom while I got my place cleared off and a new home built . We fixed up her back porch for the girls , Socks and Jerry , so Spot could have the run of the house . He was familiar with her house , having visited many times before , so he didn 't have to get used to a totally new place . On the other hand , he also knew that his own house was right next door , if only he could get to it ! He snuck outside many times during the first few months , trying to go home , but we mostly got him back in fairly easily . One time , though , he was gone for hours , and came back with soot up to his knees . He 'd been out exploring , and apparently realized finally that his house was gone , and we didn 't have too much trouble keeping him in after that . He didn 't really like being at my mom 's place , though . He complained a lot , got very clingy and irritable . That was also when he first started having kidney problems . Probably his heart trouble was developing then , too , although we didn 't realize it at the time . When we got into our new house , though , he relaxed and was much happier . He seemed to know he was home , even though the house was different . I think he realized it was in the same place . He only spent a few days checking things out before he settled right in . We had a little over a year in our new home . I 'd noticed he was losing weight , and he was coughing a lot more , and things went quickly downhill from there . His last few months were stressful and difficult , and I don 't want to dwell on them . We had eleven good years together - not enough , but then , it never is . Tuesday afternoon , July 27 , at around 2 : 40 pm , I headed into town to do my volunteering at the library . But I got no more than around 300 yards down the road , when I saw smoke from a fire off to the right . A couple of trucks were parked along the road , and a fire truck was just arriving . Merle , our Property Owners Association President , was parked on the other side of the road . She told me to go back and park alongside the road - they wanted to leave the road clear for firefighters . She said someone had been clearing brush , and a spark from his equipment had started a fire . At the time , it was still confined to that one property , but the fire was clearly getting bigger even as we talked . She kept one eye on the blaze , and saw flames shoot 30 feet high ! Not long after that , one of our neighbors and volunteer firefighter , George , came by to tell us to evacuate . The fire was getting out of control and we needed to get out . So I called my mom again and we started hurriedly packing . I threw my laptop / iPod / books / bandages into bags and a lot of random clothes into my suitcase . I told mom to bring her stuff and her cat down to my place , and I 'd fix a cardboard box with holes in the top for her to use as a carrier for her cat . I needed to do that for one of my cats , too , since she 'd outgrown her carrier ages ago and I 'd never gotten around to getting a new one . I continued packing and soon Mom arrived with her cat , Buddy .

While Felix was a friendly little goof , Socks was always stand - offish and a bit high - strung . I would pet her a little bit every day , but she didn 't really care if she got petted or not . Meanwhile , Felix would be crawling all over me , rubbing and snuggling . Things changed when one day a young bobcat came up onto my porch and attacked Socks . Through the glass in the porch door , I saw a blur of tan fur chasing her , and heard the thump of them hitting the porch wall . I jumped up and opened the porch door , to see Socks crammed into the corner of the porch , held down by one of the bobcat 's huge paws . They both looked up at me . I didn 't want to threaten the bobcat into attacking me , but I had to make it let go of my kitty , so I reached down and tapped it lightly on the side . That startled it into letting go of Socks . She dashed into the house , and the bobcat jumped off the porch and stood there watching me . I didn 't want it hanging around to possibly attack my kitties again , so I ran outside yelling and waving my arms , and it trotted off around the house . I chased it twice around the house , until it finally took off down the road . I found Socks hiding in the kitchen under the cabinets . I let her stay there until she felt like coming out the next day . The whole side of her face was swollen where the bobcat had whacked her head , and her eye got infected from a small puncture wound near her eye , but she recovered completely after that . She also decided at that point that I was okay , and we became friends . Sadly , I lost Felix when he was about a year and four months old . Socks really missed her brother , but even worse , without Felix around , Spot started to harass Socks terribly . I started keeping her inside all the time so Spot couldn 't chase her away , and I was constantly breaking up fur - tearing fights , and poor Socks was so stressed , she was peeing and pooping everywhere . Finally , one day , I shut Socks in my spare bedroom with a litter box and food and water , just to get a little peace and quiet . I figured she 'd be crying to be let out soon enough and I 'd open the door then , but she never did . In fact , she seemed much happier to have a space of her own without that big old bully always after her . So from then on , she had her own room . I visited her every day , but I did worry a bit about her being alone most of the time . I remembered how much she loved her brother , and thought she might like a friend , so in 2006 , I got another cat from my brother 's ranch , Jerry . Unfortunately , it turned out Socks didn 't want another friend . She didn 't want anything to do with Jerry . Thankfully , they didn 't fight , but they never got to be close , either . Two years ago , I lost my heart kitty , Spot . I still miss my big orange buddy , but with him gone , there was no reason to keep the girls shut in their room any longer , so I opened the door and let them come out into the rest of the house . After a couple of days of wondering what all this new space was about , Socks decided she was queen of the house , and claimed it as her own . As she got older , Socks started having some difficult health problems . She developed stomatitis and had to have her teeth pulled , and she was put on prednisolone . She absolutely hated taking medicine , and wasn 't eating reliably enough to put meds in her food , but fortunately we were able to get the pred in a transdermal gel I could rub on her ear flap , and she grew to tolerate that . Later , she developed hypercalcemia , which is often a symptom of lymphoma . Many tests , including a biopsy , couldn 't find any sign of lymphoma , so we just treated her high calcium with weekly Fosamax pills . She didn 't like that at all , either , but at least it was only once a week ! And for a while , it controlled her hypercalcemia , and she was doing pretty well . Then , earlier this summer , she started throwing up a lot and losing weight . Again , the vet couldn 't find anything wrong in exams and blood tests , so he thought it was just a side effect of the meds she was on , and put her on an anti - nausea med . That was a liquid she had to take every day . She really hated that , and it became a bit of a daily battle to get it into her , but it did stop the vomiting and she started doing better again . Fortunately , she didn 't hold a grudge , and five minutes after the hated syringe of medicine , she 'd be in my lap purring up a storm . This past weekend , she suddenly stopped eating , and spent all day Saturday hiding in the cat tree . I thought if she wasn 't better the next day , I 'd take her to the vet on Monday . On Sunday , she sat in my lap for a little while , but didn 't purr and didn 't seem like she could get comfortable . When she jumped down , she suddenly started howling in pain . I decided I 'd better not wait , so I bundled her up and drove her to the emergency vet 50 miles away . Turned out she had a huge tumor in her abdomen , and was severely anemic , probably due to internal bleeding from the tumor . It seems likely now that she did have lymphoma all along , but it hid from detection until it was too late . Treatment would have required surgery , which she might not have survived because she was so sick , and which wouldn 't have had a high chance of success anyway . So I decided to let her go . I used to call her my fussy little diva . She wanted everything just so , and she would let you know if things weren 't to her liking . If she didn 't think she was getting enough attention , she was inclined to stop eating . The food she liked one day she refused to touch the next day . When she sat in my lap , I was required to stop whatever else I was doing and stay still and pet her - just enough , but not too much - or she 'd jump off and run away . She terrorized the pet sitter and hid from guests . She 'd prowl the house at night , knocking things off counters , and playing loudly with her toys at 5 AM . Sometimes she drove me crazy , but I loved her dearly . Today is 49 days since my kitty Spot died . There is a Buddhist belief that after someone dies , they will spend up to 49 days in a transition state called " bardo " before moving on to the next life . So relatives and friends of the dead will continue to pray and make offerings for them for 49 days , to try to help them achieve an auspicious rebirth . I wanted to post a memorial to Spot right away , but it was too hard to look at pictures of him and think about him . I thought maybe after one month I would post , but after a month I still couldn 't do it . So then I thought I would post after 49 days . I don 't know if the 49 day bardo applies to animals , too , but if it does , then today Spot is off to a new life . I hope it is a good one for him , and that his suffering is less than it was in his past life . And , I appear to have a cat . Several other people had spotted it before I finally met it on Thursday . A nice big orange tabby . He was a bit skittish , but quite friendly once he finally decided to come out and say hi . Apparently he 's been living under the house . There was some cat food left there , and I put some out for him , and my brother said he would stop by every couple of days to put out some more , so I 'm hoping he 'll be okay until I can move down for good . ( I remember trying to take that picture : Spot kept trying to climb my leg , he was so eager to be petted and loved , I couldn 't get him to stay on the ground to be photographed . Poor guy had been mostly on his own all winter . I 'd been driving down for the weekend every other week or so , and putting out food for him when I was here , but otherwise he had to feed himself with whatever mice and squirrels and such he could find . ) Then yesterday , I was sitting on the couch near the doors that lead out to the deck , and I thought I heard a meow . And there he was , complaining loudly and demanding food and skritches . " I 'm glad you 're here ! " I said . " Now you can catch that mouse that 's been running around . " So it seems I have a cat . Or he has me . Since it looks like he 's here for good , I figured I 'd better give him a name . I 'm calling him Spot , after Data 's cat . At first , he was an outdoor kitty . He 'd been used to living outdoors , and I was still dealing with pretty bad cat allergies , so I didn 't think I could bring him inside . Of course , he had other plans - it was hot in the summer , and I 'd leave the door open , and the screen door didn 't always latch , and he was perfectly capable of opening the screen door and strolling in . Usually , I 'd pick him up and take him back outside . But he 'd come right back in if he had the chance , acting like he owned the place . I 'd go outside and sit on the porch with him . I remember that summer , spending mornings on the porch with my coffee and Gameboy , playing Yu - Gi - Oh ! games while Spot twined around me and purred . Such perfect , golden mornings ! I hadn 't had a cat since high school , since I 'd developed such horrible cat allergies I could barely be in the same room with one , and although I 've always loved cats , I spent thirty years without one . Then I moved here , and there he was ! The decision made for me : I had a cat . In late June or so , I got a couple of kittens from my brother 's ranch : Miss Socks and her brother , Felix . Unfortunately , Spot did not want kittens in his space . After a couple of days , he took off and was gone for over a week . I was almost ready to give the kittens back , but finally , Spot came back ! I was sooooo happy ! I took him into the house and let him stay there after that . I left the back door propped open for the rest of the summer so Spot could come and go as he pleased . He mostly stayed indoors or behind the house , while the kitties stayed in the front , and an uneasy truce was maintained . A year later , though , Felix went out hunting and never came back . After that , things deteriorated between him and Socks . I suppose he thought he 'd finally gotten rid of one of those pesky kittens , so now he 'd get rid of the other one ! And Socks was always hostile towards Spot , too , unlike Felix , who loved everybody and everything and was on his way toward making Spot his friend . When I had the three kitties , Felix acted as a sort of buffer between Socks and Spot . Without him , Spot terrorized Socks until she was peeing everywhere , and I was breaking up fights several times a day . Finally , I put her in the back room - where I 'd already set up food and water dishes and a litter box for her , so she could eat and pee in peace most of the time - and closed the door . I thought she 'd be meowing to be let out after a while , but she never did . She seemed to enjoy having a room of her own , safe from that mean old orange kitty . So she lived in there , and Spot had the rest of the house to himself . After a while , I thought Socks must be lonely living in a room by herself most of the time , so I got Jerry to keep Socks company . It turned out that Socks didn 't really want any company . She tolerated Jerry , but they never got to be friends . Spot was a very affectionate kitty , once he got comfortable wtih me . He liked to sit on my lap for hours - and he 'd get mad if I tried to pick him up and move him off me . He 'd never really learned to get along with people as a kitten , and he could be rough sometimes . He 'd take a swipe at me or even bite me if he didn 't want to be moved . I finally figured out that the only way to get up without having him swipe at me was to just stand up and dump him off my lap . Same if I wanted to sit down and he was in my spot - I couldn 't pick him up and move him , I 'd just sit half on top of him and he 'd jump up and run off . But if I picked him up and held him , he 'd snuggle against me and grip my shoulder with his paws and purr and let me walk around with him and even dance him around . He loved to be hugged and snuggled and petted . He 'd come when I called , most of the time . I remember one time , I was standing on the porch and he was outside down near the road . Just to see what he 'd do , I called , " Here Kitty , Kitty , Kitty . " He looked up at me , then took off running toward me as fast as he could go , across the yard and up onto the porch and right to me . I petted him and told him he was a good kitty ! If I wanted him to sit with me , I could call him and pat the seat beside me or my lap and he 'd jump right up . I often wondered how such an excellent cat came to be living as a stray at my house . I thought maybe someone had abandoned him there . It wasn 't until several years later that I found out his story : one day while I was out , my mom was at my place outside in the yard with Spot when the neighbor up the road drove by . Our neighbor recognized Spot and told my mom that she 'd taken in Spot and his brother as kittens when their owner didn 't want them . But Spot and his brother kitty didn 't get along , and eventually Spot 's brother chased him away . The neighbor thought he 'd probably been eaten by a coyote or a bobcat , and was surprised and glad to see him still alive and in a happy home . He was clearly a very smart and savvy cat , to be able to survive on his own all that time , until I could come and give him a home . But that explained why he 'd never learned to get along with other cats , if his own littermate had chased him away . When I talked to him , he seemed to understand what I was saying . He didn 't talk much , but when he did , you could tell it was because he had something to say . He 'd look me right in the eye and meow like he expected me to know exactly what he meant . He could open doors if they weren 't latched - he 'd hook his foot around the screen door or a cupboard door and pull it open . Or , if it opened in , he 'd just put his big , hard head against it and push it open . Sometimes he 'd go inside a cupboard and check things out . I 'd wonder where he was and go around the house opening cupboard doors , and he 'd stroll out like he belonged there . My mom likes to tell the story of the time he came next door to get her to come to my place and let him in . This is how it happened : after she moved in next door to me , he 'd go up and visit her now and then . Sometimes I 'd let him outside when I left for the library in the morning , and then later she 'd drive into town and get the mail . On her way home , she 'd stop at my place to drop off my mail , and she 'd let Spot in the house . One day , though , I didn 't have any mail , so she drove on by and went home . But when she got there , Spot was waiting for her on her porch . He 'd seen her drive by and went next door to get her . He started down the hill to my place , stopping and turning to make sure she was following . Once he saw she was coming , he took off back home . When she got to my place , he was waiting by the door for her . So she opened the door so he could go inside . He loved to hunt mice and squirrels and lizards and anything else he could get , and generally he ate what he caught . One summer , he went out every morning and caught himself a chipmunk and brought it up onto the porch to eat . He 'd eat it on the porch doormat , consuming everything but the tail . After he was done , I 'd take the doormat and toss the tail down into the yard . After a month or so , I went down into the yard , and was startled to see it carpeted in chipmunk tails ! They were everywhere . If he could , he 'd sneak into the house with his prey . Then the mouse would get away from him and hide under the desk or the couch . He 'd lose interest and walk away - and I 'd be stuck with a rodent in the house ! I 'd tell him , you 're supposed to be keeping the mice out of the house , not bringing them in ! I 'd try to remember to check his mouth before opening the door for him , but sometimes I 'd forget . Eventually , he learned to dash past me and run into the bathroom with his prey . I 'd close the door and let him finish it off . I worried about him when he was out late , but he knew how to take care of himself , and always managed to avoid the coyotes and bobcats and other predators out there . What he couldn 't avoid were all the various health problems that plagued him . About a year after we moved in , he started coughing , but a steroid shot fixed him right up . The vet thought it was mild asthma . A year or so later , he started having trouble peeing . He had crystals in his urine that were blocking him . Putting him on special food fixed that . He got ear mites really bad one summer , and it took months of medicines and ear drops to finally clear them up . He got various injuries that had to be treated . But he was a tough guy and bounced right back from most everything . We evacuated three times for fires . The first time wasn 't really necessary - I 'd gotten spooked by a panicky neighbor and spent the night at my mom 's place in town . Whenever he was in a new place , he inspected it thoroughly , sniffing around and peering into every corner , until he was satisfied he knew where he was , and then he was fine . I remember my mom telling me that , while I was at work , at one point she couldn 't find Spot and was worried that he 'd gotten out . She looked all over her apartment , but couldn 't find him , until she opened the cupboard above the kitchen counter next to the refrigerator - and there he was , looking out at her ! He 'd apparently thought it was a good place to hang out . The second time was for the West Fire - the one that started a quarter of a mile from my place and burned half our mountain . Mom had moved up next door to me by then , so both of us and our cats packed up and went to my brother 's place . At first , we put Spot in one of the rabbit hutches . He didn 't like that at all , and spent most of the time sitting in his litter box . The third time was the Canyon Fire , when we lost our home . This time , we stayed in my brother 's guest house , and Spot had the run of the place . Once he 'd checked everything out , he was pretty comfortable in the place . In the Sept . 9 , 2011 post , Life Goes On , I wrote : Sleeping on the fold - out bed in my brother 's guest house with my kitty curled up next to me purring , I thought , he doesn 't care that the house is gone . He 's happy because he has me . A safe place to stay , food and water , someone who loves him to snuggle up with at night . That 's all he needs . So I take a lesson from my kitty . I have everything I need . All will be well . After the fire , we moved in with my mom while I got my place cleared off and a new home built . We fixed up her back porch for the girls , Socks and Jerry , so Spot could have the run of the house . He was familiar with her house , having visited many times before , so he didn 't have to get used to a totally new place . On the other hand , he also knew that his own house was right next door , if only he could get to it ! He snuck outside many times during the first few months , trying to go home , but we mostly got him back in fairly easily . One time , though , he was gone for hours , and came back with soot up to his knees . He 'd been out exploring , and apparently realized finally that his house was gone , and we didn 't have too much trouble keeping him in after that . He didn 't really like being at my mom 's place , though . He complained a lot , got very clingy and irritable . That was also when he first started having kidney problems . Probably his heart trouble was developing then , too , although we didn 't realize it at the time . When we got into our new house , though , he relaxed and was much happier . He seemed to know he was home , even though the house was different . I think he realized it was in the same place . He only spent a few days checking things out before he settled right in . We had a little over a year in our new home . I 'd noticed he was losing weight , and he was coughing a lot more , and things went quickly downhill from there . His last few months were stressful and difficult , and I don 't want to dwell on them . We had eleven good years together - not enough , but then , it never is . Tuesday afternoon , July 27 , at around 2 : 40 pm , I headed into town to do my volunteering at the library . But I got no more than around 300 yards down the road , when I saw smoke from a fire off to the right . A couple of trucks were parked along the road , and a fire truck was just arriving . Merle , our Property Owners Association President , was parked on the other side of the road . She told me to go back and park alongside the road - they wanted to leave the road clear for firefighters . She said someone had been clearing brush , and a spark from his equipment had started a fire . At the time , it was still confined to that one property , but the fire was clearly getting bigger even as we talked . She kept one eye on the blaze , and saw flames shoot 30 feet high ! Not long after that , one of our neighbors and volunteer firefighter , George , came by to tell us to evacuate . The fire was getting out of control and we needed to get out . So I called my mom again and we started hurriedly packing . I threw my laptop / iPod / books / bandages into bags and a lot of random clothes into my suitcase . I told mom to bring her stuff and her cat down to my place , and I 'd fix a cardboard box with holes in the top for her to use as a carrier for her cat . I needed to do that for one of my cats , too , since she 'd outgrown her carrier ages ago and I 'd never gotten around to getting a new one . I continued packing and soon Mom arrived with her cat , Buddy .

Avery is back in school for about 6 hours a day and he went back to youth group tonight . I picked him up early because I didn 't want him to over do it . When we got home he was crying . Zachery came and got me and said " Avery is crying on his bed and he didn 't fall out . " I think it was the pizza and the lasagna . He still has really bad reflux but it 's getting better . He said he couldn 't go back to school or ever go to youth again . I know that in the morning he will feel better and will see that it 's ok to get tired and it 's ok to get a tummy ache and he will see that even when he feels bad he will feel better . Posted by I would put my son in a bubble and keep him safe . I told the Rheumatology fellow that before we left the hospital on Friday . He looked surprised , he doesn 't have kids . Avery goes back to school tomorrow . He is doing so much better , his pain is minimal and he 's moving great . He doesn 't want to go back to school , he 's scared but he can 't tell me what he 's afraid of . I know he had a really rough time last week , he was in a lot of pain . A lot more pain that I knew . He was getting sick quickly from his first set of pulses . That isn 't the case this week . He is upset about his hands . They are pealing so bad and he said he is embarrassed . We told him how much his friends miss him and how much he loved school . I told him he could have his teacher call me if he was in pain , that he won 't have to stay there if he hurt . But honestly there is a part of me that just wants him to stay home . I am ok with taking care of him for the rest of his life . Except I know know he never wanted that . This child has wanted to move out for over a year , until recently . Now he said he doesn 't want to leave . My sweet boy is afraid and it breaks my heart . But I know that the sooner he goes back the easier it is going to be to overcome that fear . He has been fearless his whole life . My child could climb onto the counter before he could walk . He has been afraid of nothing his whole life . Now he afraid to come home from the hospital and afraid to go back to school . Maybe he is mostly afraid he won 't be able to , that he will fail . That is what I would be afraid of , that he won 't get his life back . So I have to help him get it . Posted by We had a great visit today with the Rheumatologist , no hospital admission ! Avery is having some pain but not too bad , this is the first time they have seen him able to walk . There is still a chance we will have to go back to the hospital and have more pulse therapy before the rilanocept is working all the way , but not today ! We are going to try school again tomorrow . I 'll take him after Zachery and let him stay a couple hours . Hopefully next week we will be able to do half days . Posted by Avery started throwing up at about 4 : 00 this afternoon . He was being crazy dramatic with it and wouldn 't get up and go into the bathroom . I yelled at him . If you know you are going to throw up get up and go into the bathroom , don 't puke on the couch and floor ! What kind of person am I ? I felt like he was not hurting , he was walking good , he is throwing up , just go into the bathroom . I know I tend to be dramatic too when I puke . Ok he gets it honestly , but I do go to the bathroom . So now I feel like crap . We don 't know why he 's throwing up and the Dr is concerned by the amount of steroids he 's taking that it can mask things . Now we 're waiting to see if he keeps it up and can 't keep anything down . I just wanted it to be a stomach bug , and I wasn 't yelling at him at much as I was yelling because it just won 't end . I want him to get well , I don 't want him to have to go through all this . And as Mike reminded me tonight he got this lovely disease as his 17th birthday gift . God heal my son . Posted by As hard as it is , I am not asking Avery if he is in pain or if he hurts all the time . We are three days out from the last pulse therapy and loading dose of Rilonacept and still pretty much pain and rash free . He is sore in the evenings and still can 't walk at Walmart but some of that is cardio . He is getting his strength back , so that is wonderful . He 's still having stupid sweats , I know because he 'll yelling about that now . And we now have the red hands and crazy pealing going on . Posted by We left the hospital Friday afternoon after the echo . The echo showed no change , which is a huge disappointment . I am not sure what it means and our Dr is checking with the Cardiologist for me to see what to do next . We stopped for pizza on the way home . The woman there said weren 't you here last Friday on the way home from the hospital . lol Avery was well enough to go in with me this time . He had to sleep on the couch it was more comfortable with his reflex pain . They doubled the nexium and he 's still taking the tums but it 's more controlled now . Saturday I had to take Zachery to the Dr . He had a sore throat and threw up . It seems like it is just allergies and he 's on daily nose spray and allergy tabs now . Zachery and I did a little shopping on the way home from the big city ! After we got home we got ready and took Avery to his birthday dinner at Red Lobster . He talked about it so much in the hospital and before he got sick . He has been wanting to go there for a long time . He wanted the shrimp , crab and lobster and loved it all . It was the craziest thing when we got to the restaurant the woman asked how many kids menus . I said just one so she gave the guy 3 adult menus and one child menu . We get to the table and he asks who gets the kids menu . Mike and I both said , " I do ! " lol So the guy hands it to Avery and not Zachery the 6 year old ! So we say oh the 6 year old gets it . lol And he walks off deciding Avery didn 't need any menu . So I asked if he could have the one he had in his hand ! Seriously are people that stupid ? Sunday was a great day . Avery went to church with me . As we got into the car , I noticed that Belle looks like she 's been shot on the side . She seems to be doing ok and it 's just a small chunk so I hope she will be ok . Everyone was excited to see Avery at church and he was happy to hear people praying for him . He wanted a donut and told me that blueberry donuts are God 's blessing . lol He might be right . By Sunday evening he is starting to have the shoulder and joint pains . His haAmy AnZ 's Mom I gave Avery his first 2 shots on Friday afternoon . I found out the box was delivered to the hospital at 9 : 37am and it took till noon to get it to his room . I 'm so glad I called and found it ! He did great with the shots . It wasn 't as bas as I thought giving them . The medicine was way harder to push that I would have thought but the sticking was easier . After I gave the shots , and he was fine , I started crying . I just couldn 't stop . I turned my back so he wouldn 't see and the tears just ran down my face . The nurse who 'd been teaching me how to do the shots came in and asked what was wrong . She told me I did a great job . Wow , I don 't want to do a great job , I didn 't want to have to do a great job , I didn 't want to have to give my child a shot for potentially every week of the rest of his life . I want this to all go away . Posted by It seems like we are always waiting . Today is Friday and we are waiting on Avery 's new medicine to be delivered to the hospital . We have a lot of hope in this very expensive medicine . The Dr 's told me yesterday it won 't work as fast as the Anakinra , it might take a month . We might also have to have a couple more pulse therapies in the mean time . I can deal with that , it 's way easier if we know we might have to go back to the hospital for three days than to be surprised . The medicine should be here by fedex by 11 : 00 am . I have 3 hours to wait . Posted by I have to say that Children 's has the best nurses . They have been incredible and have been the first advocate for my son after me . The quickly get to know him and know what is normal for him and if that changes they are getting us help . I can 't say enough good things about the nurses on B4 and B6 . Posted by Children 's Medical Center has a policy that they give every person who don 't work here a sticker to wear . The first time we came into the ER the sticker people weren 't at work yet . So we spent 14 hours in the ER before going to our room . Right before we went up to the room I ran out to the car to get Avery 's bags . He was a pretty sick puppy and I had to leave him alone so I was in a big hurry to get back to him . As I passed a desk , a woman asked if she could help me , I said no and hurried by . I spent several days in the hospital with him before I went back to my car . Now I had been all over the hospital without a problem . So when I came back in , again a woman asked if she could help me . No I said I was good . She wanted to give me a sticker . No I was good and knew where I was going and really I do shower and change clothes every day did I really need to come to the front door and get a sticker every day ? So we were discharged after 15 days and went home for our 26 hours before coming back to the ER . Again it was the middle of the night and we were rushed to a trauma room with chest pains and him passing out so there wasn 't anyone at the sticker desk . We stayed for the three days and after taking his belongings to the car and coming back only to return the cart to the nurses station they wanted to give me another sticker . Ok seriously at this point stick your sticker I don 't want it and I 'm not going to wear it . We 're leaving , I don 't need it , it 's stupid . Five days go by and we find out we are being readmitted . Again Avery can 't walk and is in severe pain . We leave Texas Scottish Rite where our clinic visit is and head to Children 's . Scottish Rite gave us a wheelchair to use and when we were leaving she told me I could take it to the car and leave it in the lot , that security would pick it up . When we get to Children 's I have to leave Avery at the valet stand and find a place to park . I can 't afford valet parking and we are going to be here for three days so off to green parking I go . SPosted by Remember Emily Perl Kingsley 's poem about having a child with down syndrome ? It 's like being on a trip to Italy and getting off the plane and being in Holland . Holland is not a bad place just not where you were headed . It seems I got back on the plane to Italy . We were rolling right along with this whole down syndrome thing and even had another child instead of being too afraid to . But life was good , ok life was great . We were happy and enjoying life . I was rocking right along and feeling kinda safe . Then I guess I thought I was heading back to Italy and instead my son 's foot started to hurt . Now not only does he have down syndrome he , we have to deal with a chronic illness . Seriously , not what I thought would happen . I really thought we got our deal of the deck . I thought he had enough to deal with . I guess I was naive , presumptuous , stupid or even relaxed . Now we have to figure all this out again . And I have to look around and figure out where this plane landed . Posted by Tomorrow we go to the Rheumatology clinic as an out patient for the first time . I was told to bring a bag in case we have to be admitted . I have been doing laundry and cleaning house incase Avery and I don 't come home after the appointment . My cousin Laura keeps a hospital bag packed . Her son Alex has frequent admission . Laura I don 't want a hospital bag on standby ! But I am going to pack one and hope I don 't have to use it . I even bought some hospital clothes at Family Dollar yesterday . I wish I could look at him and know what was going on inside his body . I wish I could run labs at home . I wish it was 5 weeks ago and my son was health and we had never heard of systemic onset juvenile rheumatoid arthritis . Posted by They come at most inopportune times . Like Sunday during mass . I was ok and something set me off , then we got to peace be with you and I got hugs . Seriously I lost it then . I do not do well with sharing my pain . I would much rather sit in a corner and lick my wounds . I cried during Criminal Minds , when the girl was found hanging onto the buoy . All I could think was what a fighter she was and how my Avery was a fighter . I cried at a bookstore today . I am not a weepy person . I don 't walk around looking sad and weepy and I seriously don 't share my pain . I do share my anger . With anyone who can hear my voice . That I am good at . And I am angry but mostly I am sad and completely scared . Posted by Avery went back to school today for an hour and a half . He cried he was in pain . This about killed me . The whole time he has been sick he has barely mentioned he hurt . So for him to cry , he was in a lot of pain . Tomorrow I am going to give him tylenol before school and see if that helps . I hear mornings are bad . He come home and took a nap and felt better . A hot bath also helped . I am afraid that the return of the pain and rash is a sign he 's not doing ok on the dose of prednisone he is on . He has to be able to maintain for four weeks to qualify for that study . It is in God 's hands . I know this . But God it would be a little easier if you let me fix it . Posted by I swear when I signed up to be a mom I was going to be all lovey , huggy , and babying . But when I had my first child , God had another idea . Not being tough wasn 't an option . When Avery was born we decided we wanted everything for him . We wanted him to grow up and be everything he wanted . We wanted him to live independently and have a job and hopefully a wife one day . So being all lovey , huggy and babying just wasn 't going to work . We had to set the bar high and help him to it . I remember when he started PPCD on his third birthday . I was heartbroken . All I could think was all the other moms got to keep their kids home but I had to send mine to school . I didn 't just get to keep him home and play with him and love on him . But we did what was best for him and have tried to do that since . Now I 've got this down . I encourage him to do things that will help with his life and the future he wants . I have fought for all of that for years . He is so excited to get a job and move out . And as hard as that is for me I will make sure he can do it . Then something happened , my son was diagnosed with a chronic illness . The medicine they are giving him weakens his immune system and now I once again don 't want to be tough . I want to wait on him and put him in a bubble . I don 't want to tell him to walk to the bathroom , to get up and throw away his plate . I want him to just sit there until he feels better . But I know that the only way he will get his strength and stamina back is to get moving . I don 't want to send him back to school because I don 't want him to get sick . I want to keep him in the house and protect him . But I am not going to do that . I am going to drive him to school Monday and let him have at least a couple hours there . I am going to encourage him to get himself something to drink . I am going to be a tough mom , no matter how much it hurts . I am going to fight with everything we all have to help him get back all the things he has and help him to get all the things he has always wanted . Posted by This time at home he seems so much better ! The pulse treatment is amazing , too bad it 's not something we can do all the time . He 's back on daily prednisone tomorrow . We go to see the Rheumatologist on Wednesday and she said to bring a bag incase he has to be admitted for another pulse treatment . I 'm ok with that , it makes it a little easier knowing something is possible . Avery and I stopped at Best Buy on our way home from the hospital today . We bought Iron Man 2 and a Wii . He did pretty good , I did have to get a wheel chair for him to leave . He 's walking so much more but I know it 's going to take time to build back his stamina after being in bed for three weeks . It was fun being in his favorite store , I just can 't wait to take him there when he has more energy . Zachery did better this time and he was way excited to see the Wii . lol We will hopefully have a few normal days . I am thinking of taking Avery back to school on Monday . I was thinking that if he has to go back into the hospital next week it might do him good to see his friends and get some normal back . He hasn 't been to school since September 3 . Of course I want to put him in a bubble and I worry about his immune system and the fluid around his heart but we have spent his whole life fighting for him to be all he wants to be and I just can 't give it up now . Posted by For not only being a great quarterback and a hunk but for making it a better place here at Children 's for teens . Avery walked down to the Aikman end zone last night and played video games for an hour . He is still talking about going back . For those of you keeping score , he hasn 't walked that far since September 11 and hasn 't played video games longer . I want my son back and I am starting to see signs of him ! Posted by Is how long we were home before we had to come back to the hospital . I could tell Avery was uncomfortable but he wouldn 't tell us what was wrong . By 8 : 45pm he was having chills and starting a fever spike and he had joint pain . I sent him to bed hoping he was just overly tired . By 10 : 30 he had fever and I called the Rheumatologist on call . We came back to the ER . He was rushed through because of the fluid around his heart and the fact that the blood return on his hands and legs was really slow . We were taken right into a trauma room and things happened pretty quickly . It was a little scary to watch . He got an EKG , chest xray , iv , and blood drawn within like 10 minutes . His heart rate was crazy low and so was his blood pressure . When we first made it into the room he did the really cool thing of his heart rate dropping and his eyes rolling back and passing out . They rubbed his chest and adjusted his head . We made it back to a room by 4am . I got the bed from hell . Seriously , I have complained about it from the second I sat on it and if I don 't get a new bed before I go to sleep tonight I will be getting myself a new bed . My feet hang off from my ankle down , it is arch shaped and the top of the arch , where your back goes , is metal . I hear they have a new part of the hospital with flat screens , I just want a bed . Our room is so small we have to move things to walk around it . I would make a terrible patient because I would complain about EVEYTHING ! Avery has started high dose iv steroids . He will receive 3 doses 20 hours apart and then hopefully we will be rid of all the scary stuff and on our way to maintenance and remission . He is such a trouper ! Poor Z woke up and cried when he realized I was gone again . If all works out we will be home on Friday . Posted by We left the hospital at 7 : 00 tonight . I can 't believe how dark it is at night . It 's so funny how much the street lights burned my eyes . I haven 't seen dark in two weeks . The hospital is never dark . We got home and surprised Zachery . I pulled up and honked a few times . I could see him standing at the door . Mike said he kept saying I wonder who that is . I finally got out of the car and he said it 's mom and Avery , I can 't believe they are really home ! He ran to me and gave me lots of kisses and hugs . Then hugs for Avery . Even the dogs were excited . We got Avery in and he laid down on the couch for a couple hours then I put him to bed . He 's so worn out . Mike is in there with him now . He woke up and I can hear Mike asking him if he is ok . I am not sure how I am going to sleep tonight . I will try not to be afraid . I just need him to be at least as good as he was in the hospital today . Posted by For Rheumotology to do rounds and release us . Ok I 'm not packing yet . lol But I really think we are going home today . I might have to sleep until they get here . Posted by We have had a great day . Avery is really responding to the prednisone and having two doses a day will help . His rash is leaving and his spirits are good ! I am going to push to go home tomorrow . We can monitor him at home and follow up in clinic . And we get all new residents tomorrow . lol So this is a perfect time to run . He is so sweet ! They told me tonight they fight over him . lol Everyone comments on his sweet manners . The nurse told me that she just left a room where a two year old cussed her out to come into Avery 's room with yes ma ' am and please and thank you . So ya I 'm proud . lol I love that even when they are mean and wild at home my boys are respectful and polite in the real world . Posted by We had fever at 9 : 00 when the prednisone was due . I was so totally not surprised . His first dose was given at 3 : 30 pm on Friday and the second at 9 : 00 am on Saturday so this was the first full 24 hours we have gone . The Rheumatologists have been in and have decided to double his steroids . We 'll get 60mg twice a day now . I think that will help . They also told me that his liver function tests were coming back high now but for now he can keep getting the tylenol if he needs it , they think it 's part of the systemic disease . Renal has already taken us off all NSAID 's because of his kidney tests . And he needs something for the pain of this rash . The hope is that when the prednisone is working good he won 't need pain meds . It was funny this morning , Avery 's temp was 101 . 9 and the nurse looked at me and asked when did I want to start cooling him down . Like with cold rags and ice . I said oh not till it gets to 104 . lol What kind of altered reality do I now live in ? Posted by We have a family fridge on our floor that we have been using for two weeks . It has worked great until Friday night when someone ate all my lunch I was unable to eat and was saving for dinner . Since then they took Avery 's pediasure , boost and breeze that are nutritional supplements he needs since he has lost 10 kilos since coming into the hospital . The $ 7 worth of ice cream I had bought and my lunch / dinner I never got to eat and his chicken strips and yogurt he wanted me to save were all eaten . I even caught the kids in there doing it , while they were eating all the popsicles and juice boxes for the patients . They asked me if I wanted juice . I explained this wasn 't juice I was getting it was food for my child since he couldn 't eat . Ya it didn 't faze them at all they finished off his breeze . Everyone is so very sorry , except for the people doing it . The nurses bought Avery more rocky road and put it in their freezer . Social work brought me food cards and talked to the family of the kids that are doing this . They explained that if it has someone else 's name on it , that means it 's not yours and you don 't take it . But honestly that is not something that can be taught at 14 ! Posted by This horrible rash Avery has is so very painful , as it spreads he yells he is burning . Well tonight it started on his butt . He was begging me to get the nurse , I don 't know what he thought she could do that I wasn 't already doing but hey I 'm game . I had but some topical steroid ointment on it , yes the stuff dermatology ordered , and it burned more . So I was using wet rags to cool him down and try to get if off . This rash is like a severe sunburn and it is hot . The nurse brought a different kind of cream and we tried that , well that burned more . He yelled for me to blow on it . Honestly the nurse and I almost lost it laughing . Here I am leaning over my 17 year old son 's butt blowing on it . I know it wasn 't funny but , well you have to find the humor somewhere . That wasn 't working and by now he was pounding his fists on the mattress and crying , and yelling " I hate burn cream , what is that burn cream , I hate it " , so I said just get the morphine . She put the morphine in his iv and he calmed down pretty fast . I picked up all the wet rags and washed my hands and went to get a cup of ice . I was standing by the nurses station when we could here in very loudly saying , " ohhhhh yaaaaaaaaahhh ! " lol Again all we could do was laugh . When I got back into the room he was smiling and cheering and doing this squirm thing . I said what are you doing ? " Butt walk massage ! " Every time I tell him to scoot up in the bed I tell him to butt walk back . I guess the morphine was working and he was out of pain ! lol Posted by Friday brought us relief . I had asked the chaplain to find us a priest , the hospital 's priest was on vacation . I wanted Avery to be anointed , so she found us one and he came at 3 : 30 . " Is any among you sick ? Let him call for the presbyters of the Church , and let them pray over him , anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord ; and the prayer of faith will save the sick man , and the Lord will raise him up ; and if he has committed sins , he will be forgiven " ( Jas 5 : 14 - 15 ) . The anointing was beautiful , it brought tears to my eyes . Mike and the chaplain were here for it . Avery was so out of it he really didn 't know what was going on around him . When we all laid hands on him I honestly felt the stress leave my body , like God was just taking it . I know that Avery needs God 's Grace and I feel so blessed that he received it . The Dr 's also started the prednisone yesterday . Mike was here for that . He didn 't seem to understand why when the Dr said lets give him prednisone someone didn 't just pull it out of their pocket and hand it to him . lol He went off on the immunology attending , whom I 'd never met . I had to leave and go to Target to get Zachery 's birthday gifts and asked him if he was ok with that . He said , " your the one leaving me with them . " lol I warned Avery 's nurse that Mike had no interpersonal skills and that if anyone came in and asked about the rash would she please tell them what is had looked like , since my husband said it looked the same as when we came in . lol I do love him but there is a reason I am the one here at the hospital and he is at home . When I 'd made it back to the hospital dermatology was in the room and they were asking Mike if they could biopsy Avery . He told them he wouldn 't tell them they could do anything that could hurt him . I am texting him saying if they think it will help tell them yes . I made it back to the room and they were talking to the nurse at the nurses station . I asked them my questions and they said they were recommending he be removed from all non esAmy AnZ 's Mom Our day started with me picking him up off the ground from passing out in the bathroom . I packed and cleaned our room and just wanted him to be home and happy and healthy . But this crazy new rash , wo don 't know what it is . So we stayed and didn 't get the anakinra . So the rash is worse and he 's screaming his legs burn and he 's in pain . Not 2 hours before that he was sitting up and laughing with me . I felt so helpless watching him hurting and his hands swelling . I just want someone to help him . I keep talking to him in a calm voice and telling him to breath that it 's going to get better , but I don 't know that it is . I don 't know what is happening . The machines are going off and the respitary theripist is there and they are putting him on oxygen and it 's only helping some . I 'm terrified because his hands are swollen and I don 't know what that means . I 'm afraid he 's going to swell so much that he 's going to cut off the blood to his hands and loose them . I just want to scream at the Dr 's to help him , fix him . All the while I have to be calm to help keep him calm . It is so scary I don 't know if I can do it . What if I make a mistake and he suffers for it . The responsibility I feel for his life is breath taking . It 's like everything rests on my shoulders and I have to process all this information because if I don 't think of all the horrible things that could be wrong no one will and something will be missed . Yet while all of this is racing through my head and my heart I am face to face with my precious boy talking to him , telling him it 's going to be ok that we are going to fix this and he just needs to breath and not worry . I just want to pull him into my lap and hold him . I want to kiss it all away . The other night I was holding him through a set of bad shakes and I remembered the song I would sing to him when he was a baby . Put your head on mommy 's shoulders I 'll whisper in your ear as I hold you near Avery . Put your head on mommy 's shoulders I wipe your tears as I hold you neAmy AnZ 's Mom That 's all I need to hear in a dead sleep to be up and moving . Now don 't get me wrong , normally I 'm one of those oh just give me a few more minutes or do you really need me kind of moms . But here in the hospital as soon as Avery says it I 'm grabbing the urinal or something . So a bit ago I hear MOM , BATHROOM . I was up and moving the tray and taking off the pulse ox and helping him to the potty . Got business taken care of and told him to stand up . I said ok if you can 't stand you can 't go home today . Ya in hindsight I feel like an ass . So Avery stood in the bathroom and I told him to stand there a sec and I 'd help him back to bed . I turned around to wash my hands and he passes out and has one arm in the toilet and is kinda laying over hit . I try to help him and can 't so I reach over and put the nurse call button in the bathroom . Of course the thing breaks off so I start pushing on it and yelling for help . Our nurse was right in with a couple other nurses and Dr G I because a Dr two months ago and know everything . I told them it looked like he passed out . He was upset and we couldn 't get him up . I asked someone to hand me his cup and we could catch our breaths . I gave him a drink and told him to breath . We got him up and back into bed . Dr G left . Uh I realize it 's nothing to you but you patient just passed out , think you 'd want to do something . So I went back out and asked the nurse to hook his pulse ox back up , since I 'd ripped it off on our way to the bathroom . And I wanted her to take a blood pressure . I said I realize I 'm not a Dr but maybe it had bottomed out again and we should check it . I do think he will do ok at home . We will take it easy and he won 't be on isolation , so he will be able to walk around . Just hope everyone else sees that and that nothing else is going on . Posted by A couple more Dr 's came in over night to look at Avery 's rash , which is pretty much all over his body . I swear on of them got on their phone and googed rashes . lol Our pedi will be here in a couple hours and he 's great with rashes so hopefully it is just more of the Still 's rash . Posted by And we have a new crazy rash that isn 't like the other ones and is in new places . He 's now spiking a fever 5 hours after dose 3 of the anakinra . I have no idea what that means or if it matters . If I look at the whole picture , I think it has helped . But now I worry he 's having an allergic reaction to it . Dr G I 've been a dr for two months and I know everything came in and had not a clue . They are doing another culture because of his fever spike and being followed by infectious disease . I really hope we are still going home tomorrow . I wish my baby could catch a break . Posted by We made it past the 4 : 00 spike time with just a little fever of 100 . 4 . Not bad and the Dr thinks we just need to work on the dose . He went 16 hours without fever and that hasn 't happened in 14 days . He got his second shot at 6 : 30 pm and spiked another fever . I woke up to a nurse in the room about to draw cultures on him . I was like wait what is going on . I 'd already told them no once at 100 . 4 , it 's supposed to be over 102 before they do them . The nurse told me his fever was 102 something and he looked bad . His face turns red and yes it 's starting to look salmon colored . He was so clear before . So they drew the labs and off they went . There was blood on the sheets and Avery does not like that . I covered it with a wash cloth so he couldn 't see it and promised I would change his sheets soon . I knew the sweats were coming and seriously why do double work ? lol I got him a bunch of juice and one of his milk shakes , boost , and helped him through the fever . I am learning to not fawn and to give him some space . The nurse stuck her head in and asked to see me outside . It seems that someone put the wrong label on the culture so pathology wouldn 't accept it . They wanted to stick him again . I said no . But then worried if I was making the right decision . He has had blood cultures every other day since last Monday and they have grown nothing . I really think the anakinra is going to work and that he does not have an infection . But what if he has gotten one now and I make the wrong decision ? So I told the nurse to page his Dr and tell him I can 't make it but would do what he suggested . The resident decided that they wouldn 't call him but would wait and see what happened when the anakinra kicked in . It takes about four hours to get fever relief . About 9 : 30 he sat up and griped " stupid sweats ! " That means the fever is coming back down so I am happy . I tell him I know you hate the stupid sweats but I hate the scary shakes more . So I have given him a shave and a chair bath and he is comfortable and watching Iron GPosted by He 's my child , you don 't have children . Yes you have been a Dr for a couple of months but I have way more to loose than you do . I can 't just wait and see what happens . The Dr said 4 hours and it 's not my fault it took you two hours to figure out how to order the drug and another hour and a half to get it here from pharmacy and yet another hour and a half to get someone to give it to him . Then give it to him wrong . And I want to know if he spikes a fever after the 4 hours if that means it didn 't work or if that means we have to try again . Yes I know you don 't know anything about this drug and that is why I explained to you I was sorry everyone was sleeping but it wasn 't my fault it took four and a half hours to give it when I should have known the answer by then . So really me taking twenty minutes to find my inner self and relax isn 't going to matter . Cause see I promised my son that this was it that he was going to feel better and get to come home soon . So when you can even fathom what I am going through then you will know that I can 't just sit and wait and not worry and you have no right to ask me to . Posted by Avery got his shot of anakinra at 9pm . I got a little anxious since it was taking so long . The Dr left at 4 : 30 and said he would be getting it . We agreed to be in a study so they drew labs . They had to sick him anyway for another culture and I figured if it could help someone else find an answer sooner then that would be nice . I kept looking for the shot to come and after about an hour the resident came in and asked the nurse if she was supposed to order it and she was so she asked the nurse if she knew how to order it , then wanted to know what the dosage was . At that point I 'd googled it and was ready to tell her . So they drew blood and we went down to sono for his kidney sonogram . We made it back to the floor at 7 : 30 and it was here waiting on us . Unfortunately his nurses son was in the ER and had been hurt so she had to run . She gave report to a ne nurse before she left and by 9 when we still didn 't have it I was freaking a little . I really don 't want him to have another fever spike tonight if we can help it . So the charge nurse come in and gave it . Unfortunately , she gave it sub d instead of sub q . So she said she call the pharmacist and he said it would take an extra hour to work . I just hope it does work . I guess we go to sleep and see if we have a fever in the night and how he feels in the morning . They said fever relief in like 4 hours and then in a couple days everything is resolving . Posted by Sunday Avery had a great day . It was the first day he walked spontaneously and I really believed he was on his way to being well . What I later realized was I gave him his advil an hour and a half early . By 4pm I could tell he was starting to feel bad . By 6pm I could tell the fever was back and he was really feeling bad . He was back to not being able to move without pain . At about 9pm he started having horrible shakes and his fever went up to 102 . 2 , which was the highest it had been . He 'd been on antibiotics for two days so I called the after hour nurse . She paged his Dr and called me right back . Said the Dr said he was concerned enough that he wanted him to go to Children 's and I needed to bring a bag . I told her we were about two hours away but as soon as someone got to my house to take care of Zachery we would be there . Mike met us at the hospital . He was standing by the road so he could help me get Avery out of the car and into the ER . We walked into the hospital at 11 : 30 . He was triaged and sent to the emergency department as a level 3 . We waited until 6 am to see a Dr . After giving all the info to the resident , she ran off to find a Dr . At 7 am an attending walked up will all kinds of tests and ideas . We were admitted to the hospital and made it to a room by 1 : 30 pm Monday afternoon . Since then he has had nasal swabs , throat swabs , blood cultures , skin swabs , 3 chest x - rays , 4 EKG 's , an echo cardiogram , 3 different kinds of antibiotics , 4 iv 's and dozens of blood tests . And with the exception of having the rhinovirus everything has been negative for infection . Some of his labs have been abnormal but they are ruling out so many really scary things . So now eight days into a hospital admission and fifteen days since onset of symptoms I sit hoping to hear my son has Still 's disease ( Systemic - Onset Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis ) . I say hoping because his fevers are hitting 104 + now , he is still barely walking . It is horrible watching him go through this . Right now he is spiking fever and I 've had to sitAmy AnZ 's Mom The next morning I called the Dr 's office at 8 am , I was trying to win the first phone call lottery . I made an appointment to see the nurse practitioner and took him in . He was having a really hard time walking by then . I was having to help him stand and walk . He said his ankles hurt and his feet and his arm . The advil was helping so I took that with us I didn 't want him to miss a dose because as it was it was only lasting a couple of hours . I also took the paperwork from the ER visit and the Rx that Dr wrote us which I hadn 't filled yet . The nurse thought he had fifth disease which is a virus and it can cause pain in adults . She told us not to fill the Rx for steroids , there were more side effects than what could help him . So we went home and I gave him advil for the pain and watched him . When the advil was working he could use his hands , when it wasn 't he couldn 't . That was Tuesday after Labor day and pretty much the last day he got off the couch . The pain was bad . He couldn 't do anything and the advil was only lasting a couple hours . On Thursday I called the Dr 's office and asked how to control his pain during this time . The joint pain with the fifth can last for up to 4 weeks so we aren 't thinking anything different at this point . He had started having fever , so I mentioned that . They wanted to see him if he had three days of fever but gave me some different doses for the advil to help with the pain . It was hard watching him like this . I kept saying to him Avery I hate this ! No more sicky ! On Saturday morning we started on our forth day with fever so we headed back to the Dr . He send us for some blood test and said he 'd call me that afternoon . Avery 's once normal blood tests were now elevated showing an infection so his Dr started him on antibiotics and said if he still had the fever on Monday he wanted him seen by Infectious Disease . Posted by At least that 's what he thinks . And well some days it is . I like getting out in the evening and ok I admit it I like soda . So two weeks ago , not too long after Mike went to work , the kids wanted ice cream and I wanted a coke . So I said come on lets go to DQ ! We didn 't have school the next day so why not . I think the kids might have been in their jammies but I said throw on some shoes and lets go . It 's not like I 'd go in . I hate going in , I love the drive though . Avery was the last out the door and i was telling him to hurry so bugs didn 't get in the house . He was putting on his shoes and said owe , his foot hurt . I 'm sure I thought ok whatever , or knock it off just put your shoes on . I know I thought it was odd and kept asking him where it hurt . I think I even told him to just not wear shoes , it didn 't matter . I do know I asked if he just wanted to not go , we could stay home , but it wasn 't bad enough to miss DQ . I didn 't worry too much about his foot , he was walking ok . I did keep asking about it and tried to pinpoint where the pain was . Then a couple hours later I had him sitting on the couch next to me and was talking to him about antagonizing his brother . I noticed a rash on his arms and asked if it itched . I couldn 't feel any bumps but again thought it was odd . My first thought was oh no he 's allergic to his new Axe body spray . But it didn 't look like when he had hives . But I went ahead and gave him some Benadryl and sent him to bed . I checked on him before I went to bed and he seemed fine . The next morning he said his left arm hurt , he couldn 't bend it . His foot still hurt and the rash was now on his legs too . I called the Dr 's office and left word for the nurse on call to call me back . I told her about his symptoms and that what worried me was that one of his pimples or bumps he has was infected and was in his blood . He was having a hard time walking on is foot so she told me to take him to the ER . I freaking hate the ER , it 's full of sick people . And being a bit of a germophobeAmy AnZ 's Mom I have to be up in six and a half hours to take Avery 's picture for his first day of his junior year . I am so excited ! I still have things to get ready . I need to put their lunches together and make sure the school supplies are in his back pack and charge the batteries for the camera . Then I wait an hour and get Zachery up and do it all over again . Avery rides the bus but I will be taking Zachery to KINDERGARTEN ! Kindergarten ? How did this happen ? I know he was just born and laying in my arms . Now he is in school all day and Avery is a junior in high school ! I will not cry ! I will not cry ! I will not cry ! I will smile and cheer and stay excited . Of course I am excited to have the house quiet for a few hours a day , but that will get old fast . lol What I am really excited for is to watch my sweet boys grow and learn this year . It is my favorite thing in the world . Watching my boys grow . I love watching them grow into young men . I can 't wait to see how much they learn this year . These are the absolute best times of my life and I am so very blessed that I get to watch every minute of them . Thank you God for letting me be a wife and mom . Posted by To hear about all the things other kids Avery 's age are doing and get to do . I can 't help it , I 'm human and I get sad . Yes I 'm happy for your child ! But it hurts when I know my son will never be able to do those things . It 's not fair and I want to have a pity party for me but mostly for him . Yes I know he 's a great kid , and he has a good life , but some times I need to take a minute and just say I want those things for him . I even want those things for me . I want to watch him do all the things he 's supposed to do . And yes I know it could be worse , so very much worse . But I don 't want to think about that right now . I think I 'm entitled to say some days it sucks . I love my son I just want it all for him . Posted by It was a good one ! We are starting Avery 's transition planning . I had to fill out questionnaires about his plans after high school . Wow I can 't believe we are thinking about that . It seems like he just started school . He 's had a great year and learned so much . He has progressed as much this year on his reading as he has for the past 8 years combined . His teacher is amazing and she uses things they like . They do daily current events off the internet . It 's one of Avery 's favorite things . He used to be really slow and not finish his work but when he missed getting to read and talk about his current event he got his work done . Of course I heard about LSD at dinner last night . lol Evidently current events have a lot of crime . He 'll be in 11th grade next year so he will start his vocational training . One thing he has been looking forward to since we moved here two years ago is working at Walmart . The 11th and 12th graders get to work a couple hours a week at Walmart . He has been trying to get on that bus since 8th grade ! lol Avery has been talking about moving out . He wants to live in a group home . Mostly because he has a friend who lives in one . I am not too sure if he would want to if he didn 't live at the same house as his friend . I am so not ready to think about that yet . I can 't imagine a time when he doesn 't live at home . But I do want that for him , I want him to do all the things he wants to do . Posted by Framing is almost finished and only a couple of rafters to go ! We will move the a / c vents for the down stairs and run the ones for upstairs this weekend . Then on to the electrical . Mike seeing how much room is left for the attic . Standing in our closet looking into our bedroom . Bedroom Posted by That 's what Avery tells me he wants to be when he grows up . He wants to be a cop just like dad . I wish he could , I wish he could be anything he wanted . Zachery told him tonight he 'd have to stay up for a whole day and he 'd be really tired ! lol It 's funny what the boys think . Avery just says he wants to be a cop like dad and work with him . His other job choices are , he 'd like to be in the Army or work at Best Buy or Brookshires . I never tell him he can 't be a cop or in the army . I just can 't be the one who does that . I just tell him I hope he can be whatever he wants . Maybe I 'm wrong . I don 't know , but I just can 't be the one to destroy his dreams . I do encourage him to work at Brookshires or other places he could do well at . Tomorrow is his ARD and we will have to do transition planning and will work with the people who will do the job coaching . I am going to ask that we start sooner for the job training . He is ready and he wants a job so bad ! I am excited for this part of our lives . I love watching my son grow up but I am a little sad that he can 't just be whatever he wants . Posted by Zachery wanted yogurt today at the grocery store . I don 't usually buy it because of the sugar content . He also wanted popsicles and I couldn 't find any that were sugar free . So I told him he had to choose . He explained that the popsicles were for after the yogurt was gone . So I bought both . Tonight he wanted a treat and asked for a popsicle . I reminded him about how they were for after the yogurt was gone but decided he could have whichever he wanted but only one thing and he couldn 't ask for more . So he choose yogurt . Evidently there was a plastic stick it the package so you could turn one into a popsicle . And once he figured out he couldn 't use the stick on the one he had open he said he changed his mind he wanted a popsicle . Ok I 'm mean . lol But no I 'm sorry you picked yogurt and you opened it so you have to eat it . I asked him what he was going to do with the yogurt and he said he thought I 'd have it . No I don 't like it . lol So then he suggested Avery eat it . I told him that Avery would have the same choice he had and that he would probably pick a popsicle . So he decided to go ask him . " Avery , would you like a yogurt ? " " yes ! " " Or you could have a popsicle . " Avery decided on the popsicle . " Avery , it 's the neeeeew yogurt ! " " Oh cool I 'll have that ! " Zachery got his popsicle . What a negotiator ! Posted by I thought I 'd update a little on the upstairs . We have framed in the boys closet so their room is finished except the loft bed to be built . We have the walls up around the stairs and the bathroom framed . Mike was a little nervous putting the floor down in the bathroom making all his plumbing final ! lol All that 's left is the doorway into our bedroom , the walls around the a / c and the outside walls to our closet . Then we are onto the rafters , running wires , insulation and sheetrock . So like another day or two right ? Posted by I just found out that a friend of mine was told it is likely her son has Autism . Her little boy is the same age as Zachery and we met when we where pregnant with the boys . My heart goes out to her . This discovery has triggered the memories of posting on that message board . At the time , Avery was our only child . And reading about everyone 's prenatal testing was so very hard for me . It was like everyone was searching for the perfect child . They would have blood test , sonograms and amnios . I remember the posts where someone was terrified there was something wrong with their baby , it could have down syndrome or many other problems . And I remember the posts where they got the test results back and so many would say how perfect their baby was . I can 't explain how much this was like a knife to my heart . Not because their child was perfect but because they thought any thing else wasn 't . If having 46 chromosomes makes you perfect , what does having 47 make you ? So their relief at having a perfect child was an acknowledgement that mine wasn 't . Yes I know the world isn 't all about me and none of that was directed to me . But , well the world is all about me and how things effect me . And what I wanted to say was just because those tests are perfect doesn 't mean they all will be and that there won 't be problems . It 's one of those things we moms know who have been doing this for a while . All of our kids have highs and lows and we love them through or at least we are supposed to . But as a mom of a child who would never be considered perfect , I know this ; I know God is perfect in all things . And I know he created my child , both of them . So I know that no matter how many chromosomes they each have is not a determining factor on their level of perfection . And I know how it will feel when you hear someone sing their relief that their child doesn 't have autism or when you learn their child too is more different than perfect . But hold on to this . That no matter what , your child is perfect through the eyes of a mothers Amy AnZ 's Mom I 've added a lot of " old " friends on facebook . Such is the nature of social networks , right ? So we all talk about the right way to add someone . Do you go right to their page and look at their pictures , read their info and see where life has brought them ? Or do you sit back and act cool and wait to see what they do ? How do you catch up 25 years ? I want to cut right to the chase . Hey I see you are a Christian now does that mean you quit snorting coke ? Wow how many husbands have you had ? Oh , you 're dating ? Why didn 't you ever get married ? Where is Miss Manners for facebook ? Just because I friend you does that mean I owe you an explanation of where and what my life has been ? It 's kind of hard to stay at arms distance from people when you have all of your daily personal information for the world to see . But you can 't just come out and ask someone if they had a chin lift . Or can you ? Posted by How could one show be on so many hours a day ? Any time day or night when I turn my tv on I can find Sponge bob to watch . It 's always on . You would think there was a channel dedicated to showing Sponge Bob episodes , but no you can find it on almost every kid channel of which we have about a dozen . Everyone in my house likes it , except me . I don 't get it . Posted by I hate it , I can 't fall asleep . I wish I knew what was wrong with me but this is getting crazy . I can 't fall asleep so I sleep later making it harder to fall asleep . What a crazy viscous cycle . And to make matters worse I feel asleep at 6 tonight and slept till 8 . I went to bed at 10 : 30 and laid there until 12 : 30 when I finally got up . I came out to the living room and a few minutes later Avery came out here saying he couldn 't sleep . I sent him back to bed where he only stayed for a few minutes before starting to throw up . Now this child does not move fast so I was like the drill instructor behind him yelling run , run , get to the bathroom , run ! ! ! ! ! I did not want to clean more puke off the floor . Zachery started this mess a week ago . Then Mike was sick and didn 't get out of bed for like 27 hours . I did check a few time to make sure he was still alive . So now Avery is back asleep on the couch and I 'm wide awake . I 've even quit having diet coke at night to see if that helped . So far no . I should be doing dishes . ha ha ha ha I did im Mike . He picked up the jewelry I 'd ordered from a show . I can 't wait to see it . I found so much cute stuff I 'd love to have . I asked about signing up to sell it but they want $ 395 to sign up and you still have to buy all your jewelry for your shows after that . It comes out to be like $ 1 , 200 . Uh sorry but no thank you . I 'll stick to my Usborne books . Posted by It 's raining . When it rains I loose my internet . The kids are asleep , Mike is at work and I 'm kinda lonely . Or maybe I 'm just bored . I tried to watch TV but the power keeps going out and resetting the satellite so that is futile . I 'm hungry but have had all my points for the day so I don 't want to blow it . I keep thinking I hear tornadoes , even if there are no warnings . So I can do this , talk to myself . I could go to bed but for some reason I really don 't like doing that lately . I don 't feel like I 'm at home . How strange is that ? Maybe it will help when we finish the upstairs and I actually have a bedroom . When I 'm able to use some of my things instead of Marsha 's . I miss my old house and I 'm not sure how to make this one mine . Posted by Zachery and I ran to Wal - mart after school for three things . He decided he wanted popcorn chicken and I wasn 't buying it . So he got mad and told me I was mean . He tried to hold the basket so I couldn 't leave , so I picked up my bag and walked out . He ran after me telling how mean I was and how much he hated me . This went to all the way to the car where he got in my seat and said he wouldn 't let me in the car . I picked him up and put him out of the car , got in and shut the door . He got in and demanded I apologize , ya I almost laughed at that point . As we drove home , he told me he was moving out . I asked him where he was going and he said to grandpa 's . I asked how he would get there and he told me he 'd get a map . Alright , was he going to leave tonight or wait until morning to head out ? He said he wasn 't leaving until Easter . I asked him why wait so long , why not just leave now . He said no he was waiting until after Easter . He didn 't want to miss his candy . I can 't believe I was able to keep a straight face . The he told me he was staying gone until I called and apologized . So dad , Zachery will be there in a few weeks . He said he knew what color the house was and could get there with a map . Posted by How clean my house was when my laptop didn 't work . When I had to use the desktop , which is not comfortable to sit at , I 'd only stay online a few minutes at a time . So as I sit here and look around my house at the laundry not folded and the dishes not done and the messy coffee table I remember how nice it was to come in to a clean house every day . My plan for today , after I take a nap , is to put the laptop on the kitchen table and not sit on the couch with it . I 'm going to finish the dishes , put away the clothes and tidy the living room . It sounds good right ? Posted by That 's what Zachery told me tonight . He asked if I got a paycheck and I said no . So he told me to get a job . Evidently he wants his friends mom to baby sit him and me not working is interfering with his plans . Posted by I remember that first night in the hospital after we knew something could be wrong . No Dr 's came in to talk to me . No one explained what would happen to my baby . But that night I lay in my hospital bed and held my sweet boy . I remember looking at him and thinking about what I knew about down syndrome . I had never known anyone with down 's . I didn 't watch Life Goes On and I don 't even remember seeing anyone with down 's . I thought people with down syndrome lived in their own world . I thought they were unaware of anything outside of themselves . I thought all kids with down syndrome died by the time they were 12 . That 's what I remembered from high school A & P , that 's what the teacher said . It was wrong but I didn 't know that and it stuck with me . My baby was going to die . As I lay there , holding him and thinking all those thoughts . I wondered if his life would be horrible . I wondered if I should love him enough to just end it now . If I should put a pillow over his face , and save him . That thought is my biggest shame . It 's hard to get past . I can say that it didn 't last long and I quickly decided that was a horrible idea . But I still thought it . It 's something that all these years later still breaks my heart and I feel guilty and shameful for thinking it . But even through all of that I knew one thing . I loved him . And when I looked at my Avery I could not reconcile all the things I thought I knew about down syndrome to the baby I held . He looked at me . He knew me . He was comforted by my voice and my touch . He nursed from me . He made my heart beat . I was terrified but I looked and him and saw how perfect he was . The next day we came home from the hospital . Still no one had told us anything . We had an appointment the next day with the pediatrician , he had jaundice so we had to go by the hospital first for blood work . Not much was said at the appointment , just that he seemed fine . The fist week passed and we decided to take him to another Dr . We made the appointment and only said we were looking for aAmy AnZ 's Mom That is probably the most common question I get about Avery . It is the one thing other parents say to each other . Did you know , did you know the baby you were having was going to have down syndrome ? No we didn 't know . We had no idea it was even possible . Silly I know . But Avery was our first , I was only 24 and I skipped that part of the book . Why would that happen ? I was young and there was nothing like that in our family . It didn 't seem possible . So you are asking yourself how did you find out ? Did I know deep inside myself that something was wrong ? Did I know as soon as I saw him ? No to both of those . I had a great pregnancy with Avery . I puked all the time but I could feel life inside of me . I talked to him and felt him move . I loved every minute of it . I had PROM at 36 weeks . My water broke early . That is what I did know . That my water would break . And I knew he was a boy . So at about 3 am on Thursday September 9 , 1993 I got up to pee and my water leaked . So I did what all expecting mom 's would do . I went back to bed . Then at 7 am I was back up to pee and more water . So I went back to bed . Finally at 9 am I called the Dr and went in to see her . Yep she said my membranes were ruptured . Go to the hospital and don 't come home until you have a baby . She took amniotic fluid to test and see if his lungs were developed . So we went to the hospital and spent just over a day there before they decided that his lungs were developed and I should be induced . Not much was happening with my body and my risk for infection was increasing . I 'd already been almost 36 hours since my water broke . So I labored and at 9 : 45 pm Friday September 10 , 1993 , 42 hours after my water broke , my Dr came in and told me I was ready to push . Gosh it 's been 16 1 / 2 years and I still remember every second of it . At 9 : 56 pm my beautiful , perfect son was born . He was screaming and I said , " hey little guy , don 't cry , mommy 's here . " And he looked at me and stopped crying . He knew me . He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and was perfect ! HiAmy AnZ 's Mom Zachery 's library book is due back on Monday 's . He 's supposed to bring it on Friday so they are all there and waiting . He also has a book in a bag he has to return every Thursday . Thursday afternoon when I took him to school I realized I 'd forgotten the book . Well Friday he was throwing up so he didn 't go to school . Those freaking books were on my mind all night I was afraid I was going to forget them . So when we went to leave for school I went to grab the books . But they were gone ! I looked all over and couldn 't find them . So finally we just went to school . Of course now he was late and I had to explain to his teacher that I had no idea where his books were . A couple weeks ago I had to call her , after she sent a note home because it wasn 't returned , saying we didn 't receive a book this week . As I 'm on the phone with her , Mike starts yelling that the book is in my car ! lol When the kids go to the library the Liberian get 's all pissy asking each child that forgot their book , where their book was . Then she sends a bill home for the price of the book . You know someone takes her job a little too seriously . lol These kids are 4 and 5 ! So mom got a yellow today at prek , for loosing not one but two books ! lol I did remember that Avery had cleaned the kitchen table where the books were , so we wouldn 't forget them . And after he got home from school figured out where he put them . There is so much pressure in prek . Posted by It doesn 't matter what you feel about the new healthcare bill . The thing that excites me is that so many people feel something for it . For so many years we have been complacent with what happens to our lives . We have cared more about black mold as a nation than our government . So to see so many people speaking , protesting , organizing and even cheering is exciting to me . I only wonder how long it will take for the average person to put their heads back in the sand and just let life happen to them . Posted by How many times do I have to say it ? Of course Zachery is still awake , because I 'm on the phone with my dad . So he is on Avery 's mp3 player and singing , " We are the Lazy Generation . " lol Go to bed Zachery , mommy has tv to watch and snacks I 've hidden from you . I love you and will see you in the morning . Posted by We have started building the bedrooms and bathroom on the second floor . So far it has taken longer than we would have hoped but we are figuring it out as we good . We laugh that some people actually have a plan before they start but we had an idea and are making the plan as we go . First Mike had to take out a wall in the downstairs bathroom to find the three inch line to connect the new toilet to . This was January 28 , 2010 . Then he ran all the plumping upstairs . It took a couple of weekends to get it done . This is what will be the boys bedroom . All the wood had to be attached to the metal by drilling into it and then putting a bolt in it . Oh it was a lot of fun ! We started on February 13 , 2010 . This is the hall that leads to our bedroom . This took the first 3 weekends to get done . This will be our bedroom with the two windows . I am standing in the boys room and the bathroom will be in between . The new bathroom . Behind the vanity is the staircase . We now have all the framing attached to the metal . This is the outside wall of what will be out closet . I am standing in the garage . This was March 13 , 2010 . This is the outside wall of the boys room . This is the boys room as of March 19 , 2010 . I am standing at the top of the stairs looking in . Their closet will be right in front of me on the left . Where Zachery and Mike are standing will be Avery 's new loft bed . He wants a room like Drake and Josh . It 's funny there is so much stuff upstairs we look like hoarders . But as you can see I have cleared out lots of it . So much of our stuff is still boxed up from the move . We will finally be able to use it when we move the bedrooms upstairs and I have space again ! Posted by These are words I hear on at least a weekly basis , and usually a few times a week , from Avery . This is not something new , he has said it for a couple of years . He has showered and dressed , even ironed his clothes . He has packed suitcases , put on his shoes and waited . But no one has ever come to pick him up , even to just visit him . Let me just say that as his mom this is a knife to my heart . So yesterday when he told me that Boomer was going to pick him up today I just said ok , great . He had youth group tonight and when he got home from school again he said , Boomer pick me up . So I again told him ok . And if he wasn 't here when it was time to leave I would take him . Tonight the most amazing thing happened . We 'd sent Avery into change his jeans and then I heard him on the phone . About that time the dogs started barking and I walked outside almost too excited to believe someone had come to pick Avery up ! It was Boomer , he came to take Avery to youth group . I don 't know who was more excited , Avery or me . Avery got home from youth and asked me to write Boomer a thank you note for picking him up . How sweet is that ? How do I thank the young man who came and did the one thing my child has waited years for ? For other kids it 's no big deal . They make friends they go places with them . For my son , he has people he knows and people who care about him . But I have dreamed about the day someone would come and take him somewhere and be his friend . And today I have the hope that it will happen one day . Because Boomer came and picked him up for youth group . For my boys . Zachery goes back tomorrow and Avery on Tuesday . I have read from my facebook friends that some are excited and some are sad . I am not sure what I am , except relieved . We made it through a holiday season and it was nice and no one died . I am excited about this new year . I am excited about taking charge of our money and living on a budget . I 'm excited about saving money and adding an upstairs to our house . I am excited about all the things that are going to happen this year . All the fun we will have and all the memories we will make . I am thrilled to be a wife and a mother and all the ways I will get to show my boys how much I love them . It feels like our life has been on hold for the past two years but now we get to move on again . Can you tell I am excited about this new year ! lol So yes I am looking forward to the boys going back to school . I can 't wait to see how excited Zachery is to go to school tomorrow . And how thrilled he is when he sees me waiting for him after school . It will be nice to have a few hours alone with Avery tomorrow . I love that Avery loves school and I know he is excited to go back Tuesday . I can 't wait to see what he 's going to learn this year . We are clearing out an area around a very old oak tree . We are going to put a swing for the boys in it when we are finished . So we spent the weekend clearing trees . I get to drive the tractor . And wow is it fun . lol I 'm pretty good at and and pretty good at using the bucket . I drive up to a tree and lower the bucket and Mike wraps a chain around a tree then I use the bucket to pull the tree out . The big ones Mike has to cut down with a chainsaw . But then I get to drive the parts to the burn pile and unload them with the bucket . So that is what we will be doing these first few weeks of the new year . When it 's not too freaking cold to work outside ! lol

" Kathy is a 29 year old white married female who , after having taken an overdose of sleeping pills in her home , was discovered by her husband and admitted to a hospital . This overdose was attributed to her inability to cope with her responsibility as a wife and mother . The husband reported that several times he had found food burning in the oven . On one occasion the patient was saved from a fire in the home but was unable to recall how it started . The patient also denied ever having had a sexual relationship with her husband , although she was the mother of his three children . The patient 's early development was uneventful except for temper tantrums and nightmares . The nightmares began at about age three when the parents would entertain in their home leaving the child to cry for hours . She would eventually fall asleep only to wake up frightened and screaming . At age four she had her first traumatic experience . One night she found her father naked in bed with her five year old neighbor . She said that she was stunned with fear and surprise and ran away to her room . Her father followed her and gently persuaded her to take off her clothes and to join him and the other girl in their sexual play . Later , alone in her room , she felt guilty and cried for several hours , denying to herself what had taken place , and only got relief when she attributed what had happened to someone else , whom she called " Pat . " The second day when approached by her father and the girl , she insisted on being called " Pat . " Also , she continued to engage in oral sex with the father , for nearly five years . At age nine she experienced her second traumatic event , when her mother caught her with her father . The mother became angry with the father , wept for some time and insisted on taking her daughter in her bed every night . After a short time the mother became attached to her daughter sexually in what the mother described as a safer relationship . " Kathy " could not accept this , denied to herself what was happening and attributed it to a new person , " Vera " , who continued the relationship with the mother for another five years . At age 14 , she suffered her third traumatic experience . This was rape by an older man , who was her father 's best friend . " Kathy " became very depressed , called herself " Debby " and slept away from the mother . At that time , she was described by the parents as being very miserable . She became mute and was admitted to a hospital . Following discharge she was seen by a therapist to whom she became very attached . He showed marked curiosity about the different personalities and became fascinated with her case . He suggested hypnosis as a treatment for her condition . His hypnotherapy sessions focused on the rape incident . He felt that " Debby " was the strongest of the personalities . Instead of concentrating on " Kathy " , he encouraged " Debby " to dominate the therapy sessions and talk about " Pat " and " Vera " , reinforcing their roles as dominant personalities . It was at this period , she terminated her therapy and began to call herself " Kathy " , " Pat " , " Vera " , and " Debby " at different times . At age 18 , she had her fourth traumatic experience . " Kathy " became very attached to a boyfriend in town . Her parents opposed the relationship and refused to allow her to meet with him . Her mother was constantly warning her that men could not be trusted , pointing to her own marriage to her father . The patient became scared , unable to trust either of her parents , and ran away from home to another town . She could not find a job , and her need of money drove her into prostitution . She began calling herself " Nancy " . " Debby " rejected " Nancy " and forced her to overdose on sleeping pills . She was then admitted to a mental hospital where she met her husband , who also was admitted following a suicide attempt . This time the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder was confirmed . The joy of warm sunny days is upon us . We can finally relax and sit in the sunshine and drink iced tea . We can lay back and think about nothing . After all , what else is there to do ? I decide to put on my swim suit and lay in the sun , hoping the kids find something to occupy themselves . While I am putting on my suit , which reveals a few unsightly new bulges , I realize I am out of sunscreen . This is an emergency , because I burn right away and can 't risk lying in the sun without SPF 400 . If I continue with this plan , everyone has to get dressed and go to the drugstore . For some inane reason , I don 't trust the kids to stay out of trouble when I leave home to do a simple errand . How about going to the lake and renting a canoe ? Perfect . I can stop by the drug store and pick up the sunscreen on our way . The kids are onboard with the idea , and we get dressed for boating , including our hats , and drive 45 minutes to the lake . By the time we get there , we are hungry and grouchy , so we stop at the concession stand for $ 25 worth of hot dogs , candy bars , potato chips and drinks . Hoping I still have enough cash to rent a canoe , we stand in line for 15 minutes . I notice the cost has been raised since last summer and they are now charging an arm and a leg for a one hour rental . I guess canoe robberies have escalated since last year and are now a big time operation , but I wonder how you can steal a canoe in broad daylight . We finally rent a canoe . Our first challenge is actually getting in the canoe . Did you ever see a boat that tipped so easily ? I sit in the front paddling the craft through the peaceful waters , while my 12 - year old son , Jay , sits in the back , steering . He learned canoeing from his father last summer and is ready to show - off his skills . I am not as confident as he is . My daughter who is eight , sits in the middle yakking about everything she sees . Doesn 't she realize the joy of canoeing is the peace and quiet of still waters ? Jay is fairly quiet , only complaining occasionally about everything from being hot to getting his new tennis shoes wet . Suddenly , we see a pontoon boat coming around a bend toward us . It is quite large and seems to be hogging the middle of the lake pretty well . Jay and I both see it at the same time and prepare to move the canoe to the left . However , Jay gets confused and moves the canoe to the right . We are starring frightfully into the eyes of the man steering the pontoon boat , when he blasts an extremely loud blare from an air horn . It scares Jay so much he drops his paddle in the water . We are hypnotized , watching it sink . While I scramble to steer the canoe from the front , it bangs into the side of the pontoon boat . Wham ! There is a moment of terror while the canoe tips dangerously and we all nearly fall in the water . I wonder if we will survive . In my panic , I drop the other paddle , which seems to be in a hurry to join its partner at the bottom of the lake . When we finally make it home , wet , disgusted and grumpy , I face a terrible truth . Tomorrow may be no better . The terror of warm sunny days is upon me . Women love weddings . We plan for years for the perfect wedding for ourselves and our daughters and spend large fortunes on dresses , food , cake , flowers , reception halls , a band , and invitations . Why do we do this ? Because we love it ! It 's our dream day , the one day in our lives when we can let it all out and do exactly what we want . That is , of course unless the groom disagrees . The groom should be told from the get - go that he has no say whatsoever on anything that happens at the wedding , except when he finally says " I do " at the right time . I think all women love weddings , even those who aren 't related to the people getting married . We get all sweet and gushy when we see a man who is finally giving up his freedom to take care of a woman because he loves her . Unfortunately , to witness this event , we really need to be accompanied by a man . Have you ever noticed that more women attend weddings as guests than men ? Think about it . When was the last time you saw a group of men telling jokes , drinking beer and throwing peanut shells in the back row of the church during a wedding ? Honestly now , never ! Men would much rather stay home dressed in their sweats than actually sweat it out in a suit in a church . I know there are exceptions to playing wedding hooky , such as pastors who must be in suits in church every week and don 't seem to mind . But in general , I believe men like to avoid getting dressed up and going to weddings . What we women need to do is begin early in the season to prepare our man for his eventual attendance at a wedding . That 's why the invitations have those little cards you return , telling the bride who will be attending . Once your man has stood by and agreed to attend , and you have sent back your acceptance card , there is no wedding hooky permitted . It 's now compulsory . " You know the beautiful blond daughter of Jim and Carol . " During this nightly brainwashing be sure to stress how beautiful the bride will be . You know how men like to see pretty women . During the pre - wedding brainwashing be sure to stress the beefcake and the beef ! Subconsciously you are implanting the idea that the wedding will be a very gratuitous experience for your husband . Finally when the day of the wedding comes and your husband begins his pre - wedding whining you can remain firm in the thought that he will not be playing wedding hooky . Jim and Carol are counting on him to be there for the beef and the beefcake , and he witnessed you filling out the acceptance card . My daughter , Janine , has been known to speak wisdom since she was a teenager . Thankfully , those wild and crazy years have passed , and she has become an adult . She works as a nanny and one of her clients is a ten year old boy . He is handicapped and she helps him with his school work and other things that are difficult and keep him from attending public school . She seems to have a good relationship with James . If you would like to read it , you have to go to my blog and start on the blog from May 24th , My Neighbor the Yard Gnome , which is the first section of the series . Then you would read the blog from May 26th , Yard Gnome II . If your not laughing by that time , you can read the blog from May 27th , Yard Gnome III . I hope you can still laugh after all this confusion . I didn 't think things could get any worse , when Jessie devised a plan for catching her husband . She had found an old dolly in the shed . It wasn 't a baby doll , it was one of those gizmos men use to move heavy items . She thought we could pick up the gnome and move him back to the house on the dolly . It wasn 't a bad idea , considering the problem . I wish you could have seen us trying to move that stupid gnome . We had a terrible time getting it onto the dolly , and when we did , neither of us had to strength to push it over the grass . We were groaning and moaning . It was a predicament . The gnome was the heaviest thing I had ever tried to lift and even together we could hardly get him right side up . He was at a weird angle and pretty far away from the bird bath . After our dolly folly , neither Jessie nor I could figure out what to do . Since I didn 't really believe Paul had turned into a yard gnome , I decided I needed to spy on him at night . I didn 't mention to Jessie that I thought he was seeing another woman , but she thought he must be moving around at night , doing the yard work by the light of the moon . The next night we hid outside behind the bushes near the bird bath and watched the gnome . It was back in its original place , with the hose in its hand . Nothing happened for awhile and I almost feel asleep , when we heard a funny noise and something whizzed past us into the woods . The yard gnome had moved ! " Yes I did , and I heard it too . Do you think it was ……… could it have been … . . Paul ? " I couldn 't believe it . How could he move that fast . I must have been asleep . I couldn 't see Jessie 's face , but I knew she was excited . We began calling out Paul 's name into the darkness , sneaking through the yard quietly . Jessie handed me a flashlight and I lead the way , as we walked round and round the bird bath and through the yard . She was calling Paul in a plaintive voice . " Paul …… Paul , please come in … . Here Paul … . . I 'm sorry I made you do all the housework … " She repeated it like a mantra for awhile . Finally she screamed " Come here you idiot . " " Of course , " I whispered . I pointed the light toward the woods , checking out the trees and the bushes , but no Paul . There was a slight glow coming from behind one of the larger trees , and suddenly I saw the top of a pointy red hat . I grabbed Jessie by the arm . " Look over there , " I whispered . We both saw the red hat . We moved closer and I turned off the flashlight so Paul couldn 't see us . Then we saw the tops of more than one hat . My thoughts were running wild . Could there be more of these little men ? More yard gnomes ? Was this a meeting ? There was a small fire in the middle of the group and we heard quiet laughter . We slipped up closer to the little fire and counted the gnomes . Six in all , and sure enough , there was a female gnome standing next to Paul . She looked almost the same as the other gnomes , but she had blond hair , no beard and she was wearing a skirt . Jessie was really mad by then , and I hoped she knew better than to make a scene . " Not ! " he said . " I 've met someone else . " He nodded his head towards the cute little female gnome . " You know what they say , gnome , sweet gnome . " On the way home , despite her anger , a tear ran down Jessie 's cheek . " I had no idea my husband would become a yard gnome . Do you think I forced him into it ? I miss Paul , and I am so lonely sometimes . It 's just not that nice at home anymore . " I finally had the answer she needed . " Well , at least your yard is beautiful ! The lawn seems to be perfectly groomed , and I got you a subscription to Gnome and Garden magazine . " This story becomes sadder and sadder every time I tell it . Jessie was coming over to my house every morning to discuss her problem . As I sat with her , I realized she was slipping over the edge . " You think I should go to a psychologist ? " Jessie was definitely insulted and she got up and left , slamming my kitchen door so hard , I thought the glass was going to break . I felt bad about it , but I breathed a sigh of relief . " I guess you 're right . Do you have the name and number of a psychologist ? " I gave her the number and she left . When I drove past her house I saw that the yard gnome had not moved and was still holding the hose , smiling . I was amazed that Jessie 's yard still looked perfect . How could that be ? I asked her if she was doing the yard work . " Yes it does , " I agreed . Over the next few days I really tried to figure it out . How could a man turn into a yard gnome , I kept thinking . There had to be some explanation . Maybe Paul had put a stone yard gnome in his place and was sneaking off to see another woman . It certainly made sense considering the way Jessie treated him . But how could the gnome look so much like him ? Later that week Jessie knocked on my door . " Oh no , here we go again , " I thought . I was glad to hear she had visited the psychologist , but sad to hear the results . " That psychologist is a nutcase . He kept asking me about my feelings . How did I feel about my husband turning to stone ? Had I done anything to offend him ? How did I feel about doing his household chores ? Was I willing to give up my soaps ? It was just hopeless . When I got home it was dark . I hoped Paul had returned to being a man , so I ran in the house hoping he was watching TV , being his normal self . He wasn 't . " She started crying again . " It doesn 't matter how I feel about it , it only matters that he 's not around any more . He 's not around to do the dishes , or take out the garbage or wash the car . He doesn 't do the vacuuming , or dust . He 's just standing in the yard . I knew he 'd find a way to avoid doing his chores . " When I first met Jessica and Paul Yardley I thought they would be great neighbors . They were polite and friendly and their place looked like a picture from Home and Garden magazine . Often , during those first weeks after they moved in , I would see Paul working in the yard - mowing , planting , pruning , watering - he did everything with a pleasant smile on his face . He seemed very happy . However , I soon learned that Jessie wasn 't happy at all . When we got together for coffee one day , she expounded on her husband 's faults . He was lazy and stupid , shirked his chores in the house , and all he wanted to do was work in the yard . I came away realizing she was very bossy and quite dysfunctional , even crazy perhaps . Friday , she came rushing over to my house and knocked loudly on the back door . " Can I talk to you ? " she asked , pushing her way into the house . I agreed and we sat down at the kitchen table . " Paul won 't come in the house ! " I had no answer for this and she went on . " Paul went out to work in the yard on Wednesday and never came back in . He finished the mowing two hours later and I kept expecting him to come back in the house , but he didn 't . I didn 't really care at first . I needed my nap and I had to watch my soaps , plus I had to prepare dinner . It seems like the work never ends . " I 'm over here , " he yelled back . His voice sounded a little weaker than usual , but I didn 't think anything of it . He was some distance away . " I 'll be in soon , " he said smiling at me . I thought his smile was a little stiff , but I was too far away to get a good look . I was tired from a long day 's housework and I went back inside . I called him two more times that evening , but I finally ate dinner alone . I even ate some of his , but I left him some on a plate . Then I did his job , washing the dishes . That made me really mad and I called him several more times to come in , but didn 't get an answer . That evening I fell asleep in front of the TV , alone . " Unbelievable as it seems , Jessie told me that Paul never came in that night . In fact , he never came back in at all , and it made her very angry . The next day she went out to find him . He was still standing by the bird bath with the hose . She decided she needed to check him out carefully , so she trekked all the way out to the bird bath to see him . She noticed that he looked shorter than usual . " Aren 't you going to come in soon ? I 'm sure the birds and the flowers have enough water by now ! " " I don 't really care if the president came by , " she screamed . " I need your help in the house ! " She was finally losing her patience with her husband . Didn 't he know that he had responsibilities in the house ? The dishes were piling up and he forgot she needed help with the vacuuming . And why would she care if the wild animals had enough to drink ? After an uncomfortable silence she said , " Well , I 'm going ahead with my day . If you want to stay out here all day , I guess that 's up to you ! " She was mad and stomped into the house . The next morning she called me and asked me to come over and try to convince Paul to come back in the house . When I saw him I was shocked . He seemed much shorter than I remembered , so I looked down to see if he was standing in a hole . He wasn 't . His white hair had grown longer . His face looked the same but his body was much smaller than it had been . Paul Yardley seemed to be morphing into a little yard gnome . Even his clothes and shoes must have gotten smaller , because they still fit the same way . And somewhere he found a long pointy red hat . " Take that hat off , " Jessie demanded . " It makes you look stupid . " He just looked at her and laughed . She didn 't want the neighbors to see him wearing it . She grabbed at the hat , but then grimaced . " Feel this hat , " she said , giving me a direct order . To my surprise , the hat was as hard as a rock . I was taken aback . Jessie and I couldn 't pull it off . We looked at Paul with total bewilderment . Then I touched his shoulder and it was hard too . " What happened to you ? " I asked . He just stood there watering and smiling and didn 't answer . I wondered if he could even talk . Could his mouth move if it was stone ? His eyes were still alert and moved around , looking at me and the lawn . " Quit turning into stone and come in the house , " Jessie demanded , but by noon Paul had turned completely into a yard gnome . All the yard work was meticulously done , but we never saw him move a muscle or a stone arm or leg , or give a toss of his hard head . He was as hard as a rock , and couldn 't talk , so Jessie turned off the hose and went shopping . I often dream that I live in a giant cage made of iron bars . Inside the cage is a circular iron staircase , and I start climbing . Step by step I ascend the stairs and as I climb I can hear the sounds of people moving around and talking . I climb higher and stop at a landing and look around . If I look down I get dizzy and I realize that the iron bars aren 't very stable and that I might fall at any time . There is a wooden door on the landing , so I knock and soon Nola Peters answers the door . Nola doesn 't like me . She thinks I 'm dirty and spoiled , and she hates me when I scream . " Okay , come in , but watch out for all these boxes . I 'm unpacking . " She waves her hand around the room , which is filled with dusty boxes piled on top of each other . Soon I remember that I have a purpose in climbing the stairs . " I 'm searching for a way out of the cage . Do you know the way ? " " No , sorry . I just got here , " she answers and turns back to her boxes . " If you look through the bars you can see Bonnie across the way . Maybe she knows the way out . " I looked hard and realized that Nola 's room didn 't have any walls , just bars around it . A few yards away , past another room , was Bonnie , my old friend from college . " Me too , " she says . " That 's why I am going to be moving , " Bonnie told me . " I am getting an apartment a few blocks away . " I am astounded that she will be leaving the cage . AFTERWORD : The iron bars symbolize the place where my abuser lived . She was a juvenile delinquent and lived at the Gumbert School for Wayward Girls north of Pittsburgh . My parents took my sister and me to see the home one day when they had an open house . The school was home to many girls and had a tall iron fence around it . To get to the house we had to park far away and walk through a very tall iron gate . During the fifties and early sixties , most women didn 't work . They stayed at home and were housekeepers and mothers , living useful , comfortable lives . They kept the home looking nice , cared for the children and prepared nutritious meals . And they had time leftover for pleasurable activities . How many women have that today ? Are the Housewives of Hollywood the only ones ? The men said , " Okay , then work ! " I think at the time women were aiming to get good paying office jobs , and they wanted paid the same amount as men , something that has never really materialized on a national level . I know there are exceptions to this lower pay scale , but for the most part I think men still earn more . The worst thing about it is that we didn 't only lose our easy lifestyles , where we could spend a little time in recreation during the day , but we lost a lot of respect from our husbands . Women began to feel " equal " to their husbands and insisted they be considered for all kinds of labor intensive jobs , such as factory workers , highway workers and soldiers . I don 't know how these women do it , unless they are in excellent physical condition . I 'm sure there are many of you who believe Women 's Lib was really a great liberation for trapped woman . I welcome your opinions in my comments section . Are you happy with the changes that Women 's Lib made in our country ? Or do you agree with me that we lost more than we gained ? Last Sunday many of us celebrated Easter . I enjoyed a spirit - filled service at the Rock Church in Parkersburg , West Virginia . There was a very joyous spirit there as we praised God for bringing Jesus back to life in the Resurrection . I also posted a picture of Jesus on my blog for April 20th , 2014 . I called the blog " The Passover Lamb . " Passover has been celebrated by the Jews for nearly 2500 years . The holiday is based on an event described in the Old Testament in Exodus 11 and 12 . Moses was begging Pharaoh to let the Jews leave Egypt and go to their promised land . Pharaoh refused time after time , and God decided to pass judgment upon Egypt . God warned the Jews that the judgment was coming and instructed them to sprinkle the blood of a lamb over their doorframes . God said : " About midnight I will go throughout Egypt . Every firstborn son in Egypt will die , from the firstborn son of Pharaoh , who sits on the throne , to the firstborn son of the slave girl … There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt - worse than there has ever been or ever will be again . " Exodus 11 : 4 - 6 . Then God said , " On the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family , one for each household " Exodus 12 : 3 . " Take care of them ( the lambs ) until the fourteenth day of the month , when all the people of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight . Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and the tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs " Exodus 12 : 6 - 7 . God even tells them how to cook the lamb , what to eat with it and what they should be wearing when they eat it . God also said , " On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn - both men and animals - and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt . I am the Lord . The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are ; and when I see the blood , I will pass over you . No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt . " Exodus 12 : 12 - 13 . The Jews were obedient to God and sprinkled the blood on their doorframes , and ate the Passover meal as instructed . God " passed over " their homes , marked with the blood of the lamb , leaving their firstborn alive and well . All the firstborn sons of the Egyptians and of Pharaoh were killed that night and there was terrible anguish and mourning in the land . Exodus 12 : 29 - 30 . My question is , how did Jesus arrange to be arrested and tried on the night Passover was celebrated 2000 years later ? If we believe Jesus was just a man , how could he make the Roman officials crucify him on a particular night ? Just a man would never choose to be arrested , tried and put to death . If he was just a man he would want to live out his fame and perhaps add some fortune to it . And why had so many of his followers called him " the Lamb of God ? " Is it because God sent Jesus to be the Passover Lamb for the gentiles and save us from our sins ?

This is it . The last day of school . After today , Mike is here for the whole summer . Right now , I am sitting in the living room , by myself . All three boys are in Micah 's bedroom , somewhat at my insistence . They are playing with a very small plastic piano with three square keys . It has a very loud , high - pitched bell sound , and only about two different pitches and the sound of it is nearly enough to make me chew glass . Cody and Micah were fighting over it in here and I was getting very irritated , to say the least . But my boys have been very pleasant and have even made me laugh this morning , so I told Cody that piano makes me extremely grouchy and if he was going to play it he would have to do so in one of the bedrooms with the door shut . So , he ran off , with Micah , to Micah 's room . Jamie joined them too . One person , presumably Cody , bangs like mad on the three offensive keys while the others participate in a different way . Cody ran out briefly to inform me that they were singing " Jesus Loves Me " . Then he told me the reason for this was because they were celebrating Jesus and Canada Day . Okay . I suppose that makes sense . So he ran back into the bedroom and the horrific sound started up again . Then I heard them all singing Jingle Bells , but there was only one lyric : Canada . It went , ( imagine the tune here ) Ca - Na - Daaa , Ca - Na - Daaa , Ca - Na - Da - a - aaaaaa . . . etc . All three boys were singing along . Then , it evolved into a song about Jesus , that Cody made up entirely on his own . I wish I could have had the whole thing on video , though honestly I 'm not sure you would have heard anything over the tinging of the piano . I could hear the other two boys clapping along , right into the song . It was so cute I just had to smile . Those are the moments that remind me what this is all about . Three brothers playing nicely together , making music together , and celebrating life together . Wow . Cody has now informed me that they will be putting on a concert for us tonight . I will try to refrain from inserting ear plugs before the performance , and perhaps we will be able to video it . Last night , in a fit of either inspiration or insanity , we decided to go to town after Mike got home from work . He was supposed to be home by 4 : 30 , so I thought we 'd leave then . We had some things we needed to buy in town , so I thought we could do one errand when we arrived and then feed the boys and then do more errands . Our first mistake was not leaving the house until 5 : 15 p . m . Oh boy . Next , I had the brilliant idea that to save time , and trauma , I would walk through the pasture and up and over the somewhat steep hill while carrying Micah , then down to the road and back to the driveway and then up the driveway to where the van was parked . All this was partly to save a tractor bucket ride for me , and a terrifying tractor ride for Micah . Plus , I figured it would save Mike doing two runs with the tractor , thereby saving some time . So , I left my purse and the diaper bag in the tractor bucket and picked up my very likely 30 pound boy , and I set off through the poop - packed trail . Micah got heavy really fast . Yep . I was puffing a bit . As I walked , I thought about the mosquitos , which were surprisingly not too bad on that trail . Maybe it was because the sun was able to shine there , unlike our very enclosed and shaded driveway . Anyway , I also had to follow a very narrow trail that the horses had kindly worn down for me . It was not much wider than a deer trail . Okay , I had to stop and switch Micah to my other arm . Phew . Then , as I walked on , I tried my best not to deviate from the brown trail , as it was surrounded on either side by very tall grass and weeds . Tall grass means wood ticks , but I tried not to think about that , seeing I did not do my usual neurotic move of tucking my pant legs into my socks to block all possible entrances for the little blood - suckers . Then I came to the hill . Hm . It was a lot more overgrown than I was hoping . The horse trail did lead up there , but it was obvious it was not their favourite spot . Okay , no problem . I switched Micah back to my other arm again and began the trek up the sandy hill . Hm . There sure was a lot of foliage to avoid . Wait , was that . . . ? Yep . Poison ivy . I knew we had poison ivy on our land . I certainly learned that last August when I fell off Sasha and landed on a hill covered with it . I even knew we had a lot on our land , but I had hoped the horse trail would be enough to get me through without touching any . I guess I 'll know in the next ten days or so whether I was successful . There was a LOT of poison ivy on my trek . So I tried not to think about that either . Eventually I crested the very deep , loose sand at the top of the hill and carried Micah down the other side , through the ditch and up onto the road . I tried not to think about the hoards of red ants that we walked through too . Yikes . I made it to the road , and we walked the rest of the way back to the entrance to our driveway . Did my trek save any time ? No , I don 't really think so . Mike apparently got confused about what I was doing and took the tractor back to the house to get me . Eventually we met at the van and buckled everyone in . The van had about 30 extra passengers . Mosquitos , that is . It was revolting . I suppose the rest of the story is too long to put in here . Let 's do the Reader 's Digest condensed version . We arrive in town at nearly 6 p . m . We successfully complete our first errand . We then drive to a store where I want to buy a few t - shirts for myself , as all I have is black and now that the weather is getting really hot and we have two outdoor family events in the next three days , I need something decent looking and not sweltering hot . So Mike drops me off and then proceeds to the nearest McD 's with the boys to feed them in the van while I try on clothes . The plan is for me to get some shirts while they eat , and then walk to McD 's and join them for the rest of our errands . Did I mention I suck very badly at shopping ? Well , I needn 't have been concerned . Not two seconds after he dropped me off , I pulled on the door handle to the store , and what 's this ? It won 't open . I rattled both sides and then saw the obvious dead bolt . So I ran after the van , which was no more than ten feet away , but to no avail . Mike did not see the crazy woman bolting after them and veered out onto the busy street and pulled away . I glanced around for witnesses . There were none . Okay , that is naive . I 'm sure a million people saw the uniquely stupid and spastic move I just pulled , but I didn 't see any of them , so I felt secure in my anonymity . I walked to McDonald 's and made use of their ladies ' room while I waited for my crew to make it through the drive - thru . I then joined them and we went to the mall . I had a store in mind there that would probably be a great place to get a few T - shirts . So Mike parked with the boys to continue their meal in the parking lot and I ran in the mall . I searched the mall , which is not big , by the way . It 's a small city , but I don 't make it to the mall very often . It was soon apparent that the only store I wanted to go to was closed . Strike two . I gave up my T - shirt mission . The rest of our errands went fairly smoothly and we brought the crew home . I did not want to walk through the poison ivy again , so I opted for the tractor ride back . I certainly lived to regret that decision . We put our purchases and our bags into the bucket of the tractor , and then Cody and I both climbed into the bucket while Mike hauled Jamie and Micah up on the seat with him . It was already 8 p . m . by then , and anyone who knows Manitoba knows that when the shadows fall , the mosquitos get hungrier . We were there in our jungle canopy of a driveway and I was in hell before the tractor was even started . I have never had so many mosquitos bite me at one time . To make matters worse , I was deeply committed to keeping my arms around my five - year - old so he stayed safely in the bucket . ( Is that a paradox ? ) So I watched as ten , fifteen , twenty . . . countless mosquitos landed and attacked in every area of my body at once . The ride was rough . I have bruises to prove it , and Cody probably does too . By the end I needed a donut like they give you after you give blood . My bum has never been bitten by multiple mosquitos at the same time before . I swore up and down that I would never , EVER do that again without showering in deet first . The trip was more of a failure than a success , but it is now a memory . The rest of the evening got worse from there , but this post is already way too long . I will sign off now , as I watch Micah fill my rubber boots with marshmallows that have been chewed and licked by both him and Cricket , one of our cats . At least he is happy . I will , of course , forget they are in there and end up with a sticky mess on my socks the next time I put them on , but no matter . For now , my house is quiet and content . It 's time for me to read a book . My second day alone with the boys did not go as smoothly as the first , but I survived it , and amid the tantrums and rebellion , I actually kept my cool . That alone made me feel like I had victory , so I am thankful . Last night was a bit stressful , but mostly psychologically . Micah was up with a nightmare at about 11 : 30 p . m . or so , so I dealt with that , but then I was afraid things like that would go on all evening and I would have a stressful night . I needn 't have worried . That was the only incident and I had a pretty good sleep , despite staying up past midnight , which was extremely unwise . It goes to prove that there really is no sense in worrying . It is hard being the only parent home overnight because there is a heavier burden of responsibility on your shoulders . If someone has a nightmare at 2 a . m . , you are the one who has to deal with it . If someone is up sick , same thing . There is really a sense of strength in numbers when both parents are present . Once again I am reminded of how difficult it must be to be a single mother . Or father , though those seem less common . Today I kept the kitchen clean , for the most part . I stayed right on top of the dishes and had the table and counter clear , complete with a juice glass on each filled with water and daisies that the boys had picked for me . I held my ground and did not allow a single speck of TV . The fussing over this is getting less and less , though there is still much begging on a daily basis . Mike came home much earlier than I expected , so I was very thankful to have him here again for bath time and bed time . He is now back outside again , working , so I still won 't really get any time with him , but at least the boys got a little . I was pretty sure they would not see him at all . So now I sit in my living room , alone again but feeling less alone , and being attacked my numerous mosquitos , even though I am indoors . Yuck . I am thrilled to say that the dragonfly population is finally starting to explode once again , as it does every summer here . They are huge , and do a fantastic job of controlling the mosquito population . Maybe in a few weeks I will be able to stand being outside again . I have not even set foot out the door since Friday . Oh wait , I did run out yesterday to check out the " growl " that the boys heard in the bush . Phew . So it 's not as bad as I thought then ! I 'm off to do a little reading until Mike comes in , or until bed time , whichever comes first . Only two days left on my countdown to summer . Then Mike is off and we can both have a break . Yay ! Goodnight . Technically , I have been alone with the boys for every day of the last three weeks except one , so today is not really my first day alone . But it is the first day Mike will not be coming home tonight , so I am counting it as day one of my two longest days this week . So far , I am happy to report , my troubles with rebellious and defiant boys ( boy ) are far better than they were . Of course , as soon as I typed that , they burst back into the house after being out for less than five minutes , so I am back in the battle again . I had booted them out , from sheer necessity . Ugh . Just got them back out the door , but not without difficulty . I don 't like this time of day . Micah is napping but should be up any minute now , if he is not awake already . I have a strict ban on TV right now because I have been way too liberal with it over the past few weeks . No more . I am picky about what shows they watch , and the ones I allow are good and they learn from them , but it doesn 't matter . If they are allowed to watch all afternoon the consequences are terrible . Sometimes it has to be done so I can get my sanity back , or my health in some cases when I absolutely must nap , but for now , I am not allowing a single minute of TV or any other technology . ( Wii , iPod . . . etc . ) So my oldest does not take well to these boundaries . It is much harder for him than his younger brother , for whatever reason . Micah does not care about TV , seeing he is not quite two , and I am very glad . So we have made it through more than half the day and there have been no disasters as of yet . Still , the most difficult time of day is approaching , beginning when Micah gets up from his nap . Then I 'll have three or four hours straight of frenzied activity until I finally get the last one in bed and collapse . My main project this afternoon has been getting Jamie to stay awake so he is not up all evening . I MUST have my evening to myself or I will not survive tomorrow ! ! ! My next project ? Figuring out what on earth I 'm going to feed them for supper . I am not very imaginative about cooking , and with Mike gone I don 't really want to make anything elaborate . Macaroni ? I don 't know . Pancakes maybe ? Ugh . See ? I don 't really know what to cook unless it 's like roast beef or a whole roasted chicken , and I would not do that without Mike here . I guess I could just do scrambled eggs or something . I am out of flour and Mike did not buy any on his big shopping trip yesterday , so I can 't bake and it does eliminate some supper recipes too . Well , they 're back again , and Micah is definitely awake . The boys were on the trampoline , but said they heard a coyote howl so they ran in . It is hard to say whether they really did or not , but I 'd rather not take the chance . This morning they said they heard something growl in the bush . Fantastic . They ran in very fast . Cody tells tall tales sometimes , but I believe they probably heard something . It could have been a deer snorting , or maybe it was something more ominous . Either way , I kept them in for a while to be safe . Supposedly we have bears on our land , but we 've been here over five years and have never seen a single trace of one , so I 'm not sure what to think of that . Hopefully we never will . Now I 'm off to get Micah up and wrack my brain for something to feed my poor children . I will report in on day two . Or maybe even tonight if things get interesting before tomorrow ! Today is Sunday , but it feels no different than a week day . I am here by myself with the boys , and will be until supper time . I am feeling a bit like a single mom these days because Mike has been very busy with school stuff and even flood - related work outside . Yesterday he had his school grad and did not get home until after 9 : 30 p . m . I did a ton of cleaning yesterday , and right now I have a loaf of bread in the oven , so I should be feeling a bit like supermom , but I 'm not . In truth , I 'm feeling much the opposite . Once again I have a headache from crying , and even a bit from yelling . I am having a very difficult time with one of my boys right now , and I am at a complete loss for what to do . I feel like an absolute failure as a mother , and I totally feel like quitting . Only I can 't . I am trapped here . There is nobody to help , and Mike is going camping tomorrow with his students ( and other chaperones , of course ) , so I will have no help tomorrow or Tuesday either . I am hanging on by the barest of threads here , and I don 't see how I will make it through another day , let alone three until I have help with the boys again . Of course , motherhood ( and parenthood ) is difficult at the best of times , but it 's not just the work of meal preparation , bathing and general care that is burning me out . It is the utter defiance that I am dealing with that is beating me down . Literally . I am completely at a loss . And so here I am in my room , with an adorable toddler who has brought his toys in here to join me . My older two are outside on their play structure , providing me some relief . I guess there is not much else to say . How does a mom continue on when nothing works ? When her child is willing to physically hurt her to get his own way ? I feel like shutting down completely , but I know that 's bad too . It seems no matter which way I turn , it 's wrong , or it doesn 't work . Where is the supernanny ? And how did I become a mom who needs her ? Today I am battling a wicked headache , so I am doing a lot of hiding in my room . I think today I will for sure have to rest in the afternoon if my head doesn 't feel better soon . I keep thinking it is Friday , which is ridiculous , seeing it is only Tuesday . I am so desperate for the weekend , even though again I will be on my own on Saturday . Last night I ventured out . Yes , I rode in the bucket of the tractor once again . I was amazed at the depth of the water on the driveway , particularly that it stayed really deep for such a long distance . I went to town by myself and bought some books that I saw on a local classfieds website . I got them really cheap , and it is an author I enjoy . There were 24 books and out of those there are 17 that I have never read . I paid quite a bit less than $ 2 per book , so I don 't mind that I have read some and own three of them already . I intend to give away the ones that are duplicates for me . I have not started reading yet , but I might this afternoon when things get quiet around here , if I stay awake . My tractor ride was unpleasant , as usual , but mostly bearable . It started to rain just before I left the house , and then when I got back home it did the same thing , so in addition to hanging on for dear life while squatting the whole time ( ouch ! ) and fending off mosquitos and swarms of moths , I got rained on both ways . But , I got my books and a little space . I even skipped the boys ' bedtime routine , which was nice for a change . Today my only real plan is to try to catch up on the laundry a bit . I am working on my second load , although it is contingent upon the boys agreeing to gather their dirty clothes from their room and the bathroom . My sister , who also has three boys , manages to keep their rooms really clean all the time and it boggles my mind . Really , they have nice rooms . Maybe it 's because mine are sharing a room ? I don 't know , but their room is horrible almost all the time . I can hardly stand it , but right now things are extra cluttered upstairs because of the flooding in the basement , so I am somewhat limited with my ability to keep toys and such out of their room . But part of the horrible mess is that every day they rip all their bedding off their beds and leave it laying on the floor . Then toys and dirty clothes get mixed in , and it all becomes very overwhelming ! ! ! Jamie changes clothes a million times a day , if he puts any on in the first place . He tends to change every time he goes to the bathroom . It 's annoying . They also pull clean stuff out of their dresser and toss that around , so I never know what is clean and what is dirty in there . Yikes . Somehow I have to get a handle on the mess in their room , but I don 't know how . That might be a battle I save for another day . We 'll see . Anyway , they are begging for food , and technically it is almost lunch time , so I guess I better face the music and make them something to eat . I 'm almost half way through the day , I guess , so that is something to be glad about . Oh , and we have barely gotten any rain in the past three days despite mass amounts being in the forecast . That is miraculous and I am very thankful . We will have to wait and see how the rest of the week goes . Meanwhile we are busy pumping water out of the driveway and the yard , but it is very slow - going . Baby steps , I suppose . I 'm off for now . This just in . It appears our flood may have taken its first casualty . About an hour ago , Cody 's giraffe fell out of her boat into the murky waters and he was unable to locate her . The panicked Cody sought help from his dad , who unsuccessfully scanned the waters to find her . Now very distraught , Cody entered the house , nearly in despair . I went out with him and took Jamie 's butterfly net . I used it to drag the " lake " . Despite many passes back and forth , I could not locate the giraffe and I was getting very hot and getting far too many mosquito bites . We returned indoors to set a timer so the mud would have time to settle in the water . It turned out , 20 minutes was not enough . Despite a depth of only eight or nine inches , it is impossible to see anything in the water . Sadly , we had to call off the search for the day . If the water has settled after supper , we will try again . Otherwise , giraffe will have to wait until tomorrow morning . The good news is , giraffe is made of plastic and can be underwater indefinitely with no serious physical side effects . Psychologically , she may be in rough shape , but we are confident Cody can bring her through it . Yep . That 's Toad Rainbow . Poor thing . Hope he makes it . As for Giraffe , I will have to keep you updated on that stressful situation . For now , I am off to cook a meal I have never made before . I am a little nervous , as I am not terribly talented in the kitchen . In addition to that , I would really like to go to sleep at the moment . However , being that it 's Father 's Day , I guess I better step up and do this . And that reminds me , even though my giant cookie overflowed all over the bottom of my oven and got very dark around the edges , it turned out to be quite delicious . Micah massacred it this morning with a steak knife , and so it is mostly gone now , but while it survived it was actually quite good . UPDATE : After pumping out a good two inches of water from the lake that I 'll call " the Beach " , Mike found and rescued Giraffe . Cody was immensely relieved that his pal was saved before the tractor had to drive through and potentially run her over . Giraffe was given a vigorous bath by Mike and is now safe and sound in the house . Phew ! Sometimes in motherhood there are days where everyone would be better off if we could just skip to tomorrow and pretend this day never happened . Today is one of those days . I was at the end of my rope yesterday , and today I think I have plummeted from the rope and landed very badly . All of my boys are making me very angry , even Micah . I am completely losing it , and I think it 's because today is Saturday , a day that should mean support and help for me , but I don 't get any at all and I honestly don 't think I can cope . If we were not trapped here , I probably would have taken the boys somewhere else for the day , but we are most certainly trapped . Cody and Jamie have been at each other 's throats all morning and the noise level in here has risen to something completely intolerable . It 's like Chinese water torture . Something seemingly small that just grates and grates until it becomes unbearable agony . Micah has repeatedly dumped my clean laundry basket on the floor and also stole a jar of peanut butter from the pantry . I caught him eating out of it with his bare hands . For some reason , peanut butter really grosses me out unless it is mixed with chocolate inside of something baked , so I was disgusted . Then he smeared it all over my shirt . Ick . It is now several hours past when I wrote the previous paragraphs . The boys were outside for a couple of hours , which was a nice break for my sanity . They played in the water in out front yard . I went in too , to measure it . It was eight inches deep in some parts . They took toy boats out and floated them . I will try to post some pictures . Mike is home now , but apparently he will be rushing off nearly immediately , which has me really down . I don 't think he is grasping just how burnt out I am and how desperately I need a break . At least there is a giant chocolate chip cookie baking in the oven right now . Hopefully I won 't eat the whole thing while he is gone tonight . Just for comparison 's sake , check these two pictures out . Above shows our driveway the day we evacuated . On that day , the water down the driveway that you see was too deep to drive through , though large trucks could make it . Notice that past the " puddle " you can see the tracks where our driveway was still dry . This picture ( above ) was taken today . There is only a very small patch of ground between the yard and the driveway that is not underwater . It is not dry , but it is still showing . Notice that down the driveway there is water as far as the eye can see . We didn 't think it could get worse than the day we evacuated . Above is a shot of our yard over a month ago . You can see all the water in the grass . There is more water now than there ever was , but it is not visible through the grass ! This was taken this afternoon . The ground is equally swampy , but the grass is SO long you can hardly see the water anymore . It is not pretty in our yard , to say the least . Here is Jamie playing with a playmobil boat and a toy donkey . The boys had a lot of fun in the water today . This puddle is eight inches deep in many places . Another shot of the driveway . Where it spreads to the left used to be our " parking lot " , and this winter we also used it to store our round bales . It is now totally under water . And here is my Sasha , needing to put on some weight . She also has a lump on her face from her sinus infection , for which she is currently on antibiotics . But she is still gorgeous ! Anyway , Mike just bathed the boys , which will probably end up being somewhat useless seeing I have to feed them yet , and they will likely get covered in food . But I don 't care . At least that is one less thing I have to worry about . I 'm assuming he is leaving immediately , without a single conversation with me . Sorry to word it that way , but I am finding this very depressing . He is nearly done work , but before he is done there will be so many times he is not here , including an overnight with his students . I hope I can make it through the next two weeks . I better sign off now . P . S . I think I burnt my giant cookie . That is most definitely disappointing . Posted by We are only halfway through the morning , and I am livid . My oldest has the most rotten attitude imaginable today and I have absolutely had it . I am asking myself how I will ever make it through the rest of this day , and meanwhile I have the disheartening knowledge that tomorrow I will be completely alone for the entire day from start to the very finish . Sorry , completely alone with the kids . I 'm not sure what to do here . I am ready to really lose it . I am trying very hard not to speak or respond in any way at the moment , as things may soon get very ugly . Or uglier , I guess , is a more accurate way of saying it . My ears hurt from being yelled at , my heart hurts from being disrespected and treated like crap . I know he is just a kid , but it still feels like verbal abuse to me . He is overtired and it has been a long week , but there is no excuse for this . He has already had a time out that ended up lasting over twenty minutes because he kept mouthing off the whole time and I had to keep adding minutes and restarting the timer . Honestly , he sounds like a teenager . I just want to crawl into a hole today and stay there in silence . If I had earphones , they would be on now , but of course , the boys broke them so even that small bit of comfort is gone . Cody is currently in the kitchen stealing food he knows he is not allowed . Oh , never mind . Apparently he is not . But he is prowling around looking for trouble . I know this is pathetic , but the worst part of this is that now I can 't let him watch TV this afternoon which means I get no break . It is supposed to rain all afternoon ( big shock there ) so I have been trying to boot the boys out all morning and I just can 't get them out . It 's pathetic . All Cody does all day is say he is starving . I feed him all the time and when he doesn 't get his way he says his stomach is growling and he 's hungry . I think it 's a manipulation thing . He just had a snack . Prior to that he just had breakfast . Okay , phew . Sorry about my little rant . Cody and Jamie just went outside . Now I can calm down and relax , and hopefully they can burn off some steam out there . We are expecting a storm this afternoon , so this is their only chance to play outside . Sounds like they are going to hunt tadpoles . Poor little Micah wants to go too , but I won 't let him . Even if I 'm out there with him , he goes straight for the water , and his little boots are so small it only takes a moment before he ends up in deeper than his boots and gets soaked . Not that being soaked is the end of the world , because it isn 't . But I am not that comfortable with him playing in water that deep , so he will stay in with me . Hopefully the rest of the day will be an improvement over the morning . I think we are all at the end of our ropes here . I kind of expected this to happen early last week , after we returned from our exile , but was delayed and is now hitting with a vengeance . I am really counting down the days until Mike is home for the summer . After today he has only 8 days of school left , but counting weekends it will be twelve days until he is done for the year , not including today . Twelve days . Here 's hoping I can hang on to my sanity until then . Guess it 's time to go . I have to eat lunch while the boys are outside as it may be my only chance . Tuesday morning , bright and early Mike did indeed load us by twos onto the tractor and take us through the swamp to the van . Cody and Jamie went first , and stood between Mike 's knees so his arms were around them and hanging onto the steering wheel . He had already loaded our bags for us . Micah and I were the second load , and Mike had to hold Micah while I stepped into the dreaded bucket . Micah was terrified and wailed for me the whole time . Me , I was hanging on for dear life . I had to crouch in the bucket facing Mike , hanging onto this rusty metal hook and then he raised the bucket and off we went . The water got closer and closer to me as we sunk in deeper and deeper . It was eerie and nerve - wracking , and I got attacked by mosquitos , of course . We made it , and quickly got in the van and shut the doors . Mike passed us and went to work and we just stayed there for five or ten minutes swatting mosquitos like warriors in the van . Once we got a good percentage of them dead , I sat down and buckled up and we headed out . We went to my older sister 's place where we visited with my very special Aunt , who was visiting from out west . We rarely see her so it was really great to get such a full day in with her . The boys hung out with their cousins , also all boys , and my other sister also came with her baby . We were there until almost 8 p . m . if I remember correctly , and then I drove the boys over to my other sister 's house where we spent the night . It was not the greatest of sleeps , but that 's always the case when the boys sleep away from home . We survived , and we were there until about 4 p . m . when Mike called and said he was on his way home . Then we left and got home shortly after Mike did . Micah and I survived tractor ride number two , but barely . Poor little guy was terrified , and we came very close to getting stuck in the deep muddy water . Yuck . So I am back today , and on my own because Mike will be late getting home . In case I didn 't mention it , it rained both days I was gone and now this afternoon it is raining some more . The water is deeper still than it was when I left on Tuesday morning . It seems there is no end in sight to this stupid flood . It is nearly supper time and I am wracking my brain to think of something to feed my boys . I didn 't want to make a big meal with Mike not home . We 'll probably do something boring like grilled cheese or something . Yuck . Well , I won 't be eating that , so I guess it doesn 't matter if I don 't like it . Tomorrow is the last day of the week , so at least Mike will be home . . . oh wait , no he won 't . Saturday he will be gone the entire day ; first for a golf tournament ( is it horrible of me if I hope it gets rained out ? ) and then for a staff wind - up barbecue at work that I likely cannot join him for because I am stuck here . How retarded . Maybe Sunday he 'll be here ? I have to keep telling myself this is the home stretch and he only has two weeks of work left . Two weeks feels like an eternity right now . I can 't wait until all the boys are settled in bed for the evening and I can relax . I hope to read or else watch a girly movie . For now , I better go check on Micah , who was just sitting in his high chair snacking on pudding . He should be done by now . Bye for now . Saturday was bright and sunny . All I wanted to do was get out of here , seeing I had not left the yard since the previous Saturday . It was my thinking that I 'd stick it out here for a week , but on weekends Mike would simply have to get us all out somehow . Well , it didn 't happen . Over the last week , our parking and driveway situation has gotten worse , not better , so now the vehicles are parked near the road , which is out of sight of our house due to the trees . The only way to get there is to take the tractor through all the water and park it by the vehicles . This is not a huge tractor , so if I want to get out , Mike has to put me in the bucket and drive me out that way . Talk about ridiculous . I cannot get the boys out myself because I grew up in the city and I do not know how to drive a tractor , so if I wanted to get all of us out we 'd have to leave at 7 : 30 a . m . when Mike is leaving and not return until 5 p . m . when he gets home again . This is part of the reason , well really the whole reason , I am not taking Cody to school right now . He 'd get there an hour early and have to stay 1 1 / 2 to 2 hours late . Not going to happen . However , today was an exception . His teacher called me last night and told me they are going on a field trip this morning to a place in town that is basically a large indoor play ground . It turned out Mike was going later this morning for reasons I won 't bother explaining , and can get back by 4 p . m . Cody 's teacher agreed to meet him there about 15 minutes earlier than normal and he gets to hang out with the librarian and an iPad for an hour after school is done . Needless to say , he is thrilled . So this morning , amid the pouring rain , Mike loaded Cody onto the tractor and drove through the lake to get to the vehicles . Now I 'm here with a very quiet Jamie , and Micah is napping . Yes , it rained again overnight , and it was a massive rain too . With all the water we 're pumping out of our basement it is impossible to determine the amount of precipitation we got , but yesterday we had no standing water left in front of our house , down to a foot and a half below ground level . ( We have a large hole out there that is normally full and under water , with a pump down inside . Yesterday it was nearly empty down to about a foot and a half below the ground surface . ) Today , there are waves like a lake . The water has gone up literally six inches or more in the yard overnight . We expected this , but it is still very difficult not to be discouraged . There is a ton of rain in the forecast this week . For the moment , the sun is shining brightly , so at least if I don 't look down at the ground it has the appearance of being a nice , normal summer day . We now have five sump pumps running in our basement and Mike is encouraged that we seem to be keeping up with the water . I don 't know whether he checked it this morning or not . We have hoses coming out of the house everywhere to pump the water out , and that is part of the reason we have such deep water in our yard , even though there is also a pump in there to send it over the ridge for us . When the pumps run , which is every few seconds , the hoses move on their own in the water like giant water snakes . It is almost creepy . Tomorrow I will officially make my first escape from this place in eleven days . Mike will haul us to the van first thing in the morning and I am going to my sister 's place for the day . My very special aunt from Alberta will be there . She was supposed to stay with us today , but obviously she cannot because of this flood . Then we will go to my other sister 's and stay there overnight . I guess I will not be back until supper time on Wednesday . So today I am doing all the boys ' laundry and getting our stuff ready . Packing the van for an overnight will be no picnic in this situation , but oh well . In case I mentioned it prior to the weekend , our plans to put shale on the driveway so it was usable again were thwarted . I don 't know when life will return to normal , but I doubt very much it will be before July . I have two more dilemmas to deal with today . One , I have to try to get a hold of one of the other moms in Cody 's class to see whether they 'll take my lunch duty next Friday , as I don 't know whether I will be able to be there . At this point , it is highly unlikely , so this may easily be Cody 's last day of school for the year . I called most of them this morning and the only one I reached is extremely busy that day , though she said to call her if I 'm stuck and she can try to make it work . That was REALLY nice of her , because her day is wildly busy . My other situation ? My crazy horse , Sasha , now has a golf - ball sized lump on her forehead and white stuff coming out her right nostril . I have to call a vet today for an opinion on what to do . Googling has led me to believe that there is a good chance she has a sinus infection . Yeesh . I don 't know what that will mean for treatment . The problem , as usual , is that it will be very difficult to get a vet in here . Talk about ridiculous . Anyway , this is very long - winded , but that 's about it for my update today . Oh , except Mike built me a second , smaller bookshelf in our room so I can get even more organized . I 'm quite excited about it . And now I 'm off to either rest for a while or do some cleaning . It 's really a toss - up at this point ! Hope everyone has a good Monday . After a week of being cooped up , the proverbial you - know - what has officially hit the fan . My boys are in rotten moods today , with the exception of Micah who only screams if one of his brothers steals a toy from him , which happens approximately every thirty seconds . Right now he is in his nap , but all I hear in the monitor is , " Mommy ? Mo - mmmyyy ! Are you ? ? " Haha . Looks like he will not be sleeping today , which means I will not be sleeping either . No matter . He can stay in bed until 3 p . m . and rest , even if he won 't sleep . I need the break . The other two are watching TV , which is not really great , but this week I am not worrying about it too much given our circumstances . Mike 's brother is hoping to deliver a bunch of shale tomorrow so we can attempt to build up the driveway enough that we can get in and out of here . Mike got stuck very badly yesterday and now the vehicles have to be parked WAY down the driveway . Doesn 't sound like a big deal , but our driveway is a country driveway and it is through the trees , so not only is it a bit of a walk but if you go in there on foot you are attacked viciously by mosquitos . In addition to that , you cannot walk through a good portion of it because the water is way deeper than rubber boots . We do not own hip waders , which is regrettable . The back way , through the pasture , which is the route we have been taking , is officially much more difficult as of last night . Mike put the horses ' fence back up and set them free in there . No biggie , except it is an electric fence and I am really not sure how I 'd get the kids through there without shocking them . Or myself . So I sincerely hope the shale or gravel or whatever , will work on our driveway and make this place once more accessible by vehicle . It seems silly to be trapped in here , but there is only one other clear path to the road and right now there is a large amount of it underwater . The other option is to cut through the bush , but it is also full of deep water , mosquitos , wood ticks and my personal favourite , poison ivy . So it is not really a great option for hauling the boys through . My personal victory today was getting a bunch of cleaning done in the kitchen . I got a bunch of mosquito guts cleaned off the walls and ceiling . ( We kill so many it is impossible to keep up with all the smudges . ) I also did a whole bunch of dishes and got the stove top cleaned and the island counter and table . I even got the floor cleaned , but of course , it is now covered in squashed cheerios . . . etc . that the boys dumped on it shortly after I cleaned it . ( Eyes rolling . ) What can I do ? Really . I do everything I can and I have to let the rest go . For now , I am having my quiet time in my room again . This is my only link to sanity . Without it , I don 't even want to think about what state I would be in . I have to go check Micah again , just in case he pooped . I don 't think he did though . I think he just said , " Mommy , Mout , mout . " ( He says everything twice . That means come out . ) I think not , Micah . Today it is sunny again and the boys actually spent some time outside this morning . They built a sand castle under our deck , which is more like a landing at the top of the stairs that lead to our front door . They took buckets and filled them with flood water and made a moat . They had a blast . Later they rode their bikes around and through the shallower section of water , which was about four to five inches deep . They even ran through it and soaked their pants . Well , Cody did . Jamie was a little more reserved , which is kind of surprising . I watched them out the window . It was like they had a day at the beach , without even leaving home . I was glad they were at least able to have some fresh air and exercise , despite the less than ideal conditions outside . Micah was very ripped off that I didn 't let him follow them , but the water is way too deep for him , and he would go straight for it because that 's what he does . I decided today that I would pick small sections of the house at once and clean them . I started with the hall . Sounds silly , but there were several toys scattered about and my vacuum was still plugged in there . It 's central vac , so there was a long hose and the beater bar , and it was in the way . I took everything out of the hall and then vacuumed it . Hm . That was satisfying . Such a small area , but it felt nice to have it clean and empty . I moved on to the living room , where there is currently an explosion of toys . The boys were gracious enough to help me clean everything including their train tracks so I could vacuum . Now they have a train set out again , but nothing else . Slowly , things are improving in here ! I need to tackle the kitchen next , but I am going to relax for a while first . I have to do that during Micah 's nap or I don 't get any kind of a break and these days I need my breaks more than ever . There is a high probability that we will have to evacuate again , though I am not sure when . The mould is growing back in our basement , this time directly on the wood now that the drywall is gone . In addition to that , Mike got stuck in the second lake on the driveway this morning and his vehicle is still stuck there . He had to take the van , so we are truly trapped here now . It 's not a very good feeling , but for the moment we are okay and do not need to go rushing off anywhere . I don 't know how he will get his car out . This might sound terrible , but I hope it will not involve me . I do not want to venture into the Amazon to rescue a car , but if he needs my help I will do just that . I keep thinking we need to find the inflatable dinghy and just anchor it by the big lake on the driveway . That way we can paddle through if we need to . ( Rolling eyes . ) Talk about ridiculous . Things are a little tougher here with boys ' attitudes , one boy in particular , but he seems okay for the moment . I hope they will continue to have a fun time playing nicely together all afternoon . I might grab a book from my shelf that I haven 't read in a long time and do some reading today . Not sure whether I have the energy to write , but if I do , I might tackle some of that too . Working on chapter seven now , but it 's going very slowly because of the way things are right now . So , I 'm off to have some relaxation time with my fur babies . One is curled up in my arms right now ( Tabu , my tabby ) and Cricket , our black and white cat , is curled up at the end of the bed . Tabu is purring and keeping me warm . I like it . I 'm off for now . The sun is shining today , and so far the weather people are promising four days in a row of similar weather . However , yesterday it poured and poured and poured , and by the end of the day I could not contain my tears . It is hard to watch our yard and house get destroyed before our very eyes . I heard today that our area has had three times the normal rain and that the rivers are expected to remain high all summer . If that is the case , we will be guaranteed to flood again next year . Things just don 't look good for being able to clean up our basement . More and more , we wonder whether we will have to literally build a brand new basement and move our entire house . I don 't need to tell you how expensive that will be . I don 't even know whether it 's possible , seeing machinery could not even get in and out of here with all the water on the driveway . Even our horses are somewhat in crisis , having run out of pasture and having very little hay left that is not ruined by water . It looks like we will have to move them very soon , but not sure where yet . We will likely have to send them away for the rest of the summer as it looks like we will not be able to do anything with them now that our whole round pen and much of our yard is underwater . The shallowest puddle on our driveway right now is more than ankle deep on me . I tested it this morning . Wow . So , I guess this post is more of the same old same old . More water . More flooding . More discouragement on our part . I don 't see how this is going to end well . The boys are doing well still , in spite of it all . They have been playing very nicely all week so far , which is a huge relief to me . Cody even went outside this morning to build a sand castle . We certainly do have sand . I 'm not ready to bail yet , but we may still need to evacuate again . I guess it depends how much rain we get on Sunday . Cody is out of school indefinitely . He may even miss his little " graduation " party . It 's kind of sad , but he has not asked about school yet this week , so at least he is not complaining about it . I guess that is the scoop for now . The one bright spot in my week is that Mike built me a very big book case in our room so I can have my books all on shelves again instead of in laundry baskets getting bent and crushes . Anyone who knows me knows how important my books are to me , and they were sitting on shelves in the flood water until a week ago . The books were on higher shelves so they would not get wet , but I was getting worried the water would soak up the book case back and into my books , and that they might get mouldy . Now I love seeing them all in my room , though they barely fit on the shelves because I have so many . He is going to build me another smaller one to go on another wall in our room . It will look like a library in here . Fun ! That 's probably why I feel like staying in my room all day . Going to post a picture or two of my shelves . Here they are . I took this picture sitting on my bed . The door on the left is our bathroom and the door on the right is our normal bedroom door . Not everyone would want a whole wall in their room taken over by books , but I do ! The ones that are in there haphazardly on their sides are courtesy of my boys . Now I 'm off to face the rest of the day . Bye for now . We are back home , for what it 's worth . In a way it is good to be here , but our situation is not ideal . We are pretty much trapped here , though in an emergency we could get out . Leaving requires trekking through the horse pasture into the bush and loading the van in swarms of mosquitos that are so bad you can lose your mind in under a minute . Then once all the boys are in and belted it takes a good ten minutes to try to kill the hundred or so mosquitos that are inside the van looking for blood . I am not exaggerating . Then you have to drive off road through deep water just to get back onto the driveway on the other side of the really deep flood water . Once on the driveway , you face another deep lake almost immediately . Both are deep and long enough that by the time you reach the other side the vehicle is barely moving and you 're hoping desperately you will not get stuck . Honestly , it is very gross . When I arrived on Saturday I was very discouraged and wondered what the heck we were doing here . The house was fourteen degrees . Freezing . It was full of mosquitos and also full of dirty dishes and horrible mess all over the place . Mike obviously was not able to deal with the day - to - day stuff in the midst of all the disassembling of the basement and other flood - fighting activities . I don 't blame him at all , but it was still very discouraging . The house smelled gross , but not mouldy , and I tried to turn our furnace on to get it a few degrees warmer and the furnace died . Seriously ? Well , I guess if your furnace has to die , June is a good month for it to happen . I 'm pretty sure it 's the first time in history I begged Mike to turn the heat on in June . In fact , it is the first time in history I have not begged for the air conditioning to be on even once this " summer " . Feeding the horses this morning was absolute torture . Horse . Right , just one needed oats and that does NOT take long , but the mosquitos are so bad I was ready to scream . It was horrible . I looked around and all I could think was that this flood has taken our little piece of heaven and turned it into a little taste of hell . Yes , that is overly dramatic , but it is sad . Our normally beautiful place is ugly and overgrown because we cannot mow the lawn with several inches of water on it . The grass has got to be a foot high except for where we have temporarily fenced the horses for their sakes and ours . The damage to our house has gone way beyond the " hundreds of dollars " of damage that I was expecting a few weeks back and we will be way into the thousands by the time we get this all fixed . I hope we can get some disaster assistance or we are really going to be in some trouble . It might even be bad enough that we have to move our whole house , but we will cross that bridge when we get to it . Anyway , having said that , it is nice to be back in our own beds . We are all sleeping better as a result , and even though my living room is now a train station with a huge Geo Trax track set up so I cannot even vacuum the carpet , the boys have been really good and they are having fun with the toys they have not seen in a long time . As long as they don 't get really stir crazy and act out , we will do just fine here . There is more rain in the forecast , so things won 't likely change any time soon . I have to get Micah up now , as he is talking in his monitor . I have a roast in the oven and soon will start the potatoes boiling so I can make yummy mashed potatoes ! It will be the first meal I have made since I got back here and I can 't wait to eat it . Hopefully it turns out good ! I 'm off for now . Yesterday went all right . I did not take Micah to the doctor as his pink eye appeared to be clearing up . This morning , he looks pretty close to normal , so I am relieved to have one thing off my mind . Yesterday we went to Wal - Mart with the boys and got Cody some runners . We bought a few other things ( my Mom came with me , or I would never have ventured in the store with all three boys . ) Then we went to Toys R Us and let them each pick out a small toy to help lift their spirits a bit . Our intention was to take them to a play ground in the afternoon , but as it would happen , we were hit with a thunderstorm . Big shock there . I found out last night that more and more rain has fallen at our home , so I cannot go back at this point . It is not possible to come in and out without trekking through the horses ' pasture in a very roundabout route , so it does not make sense for me to be stuck there with all three boys . Mike is hoping to get some shale to build up the driveway so that is not an issue anymore , but it is unclear at this point whether anyone will be available to deliver any . If they cannot , I can 't very easily live there with the boys even though Mike moved back in last night . It is good that someone is there to feed the horses , cats and dog , but I really hope we can go back soon . Our night last night was pretty much a disaster . Micah , who is sharing a room with me , pretty much woke up ready to party at 1 a . m . or so . He was talking , singing , shouting " Mama ! " and so on , and no amount of shushing would stop him . Jamie then woke up three times with nightmares . The second time I brought him into my room to share a bed with me , but Micah would not be quiet , so I finally had to put Jamie back in his own bed . He was up again shortly after that . My poor mom was up every time too , and the third time she pretty much laid on the floor beside Jamie 's air mattress until he was calm enough to sleep . I couldn 't easily leave my room or Micah would have a meltdown , making even more noise and potentially waking the entire house . Not that we weren 't all awake already . Cody was the only one who slept through . We are all tired today . Micah is already sleeping and has been since about 12 : 35 p . m . , and Jamie wants to nap but is so grouchy he keeps snarling at me whether I encourage him to sleep or get up . We took them to a playground this morning , but we hope to take them to a really big new one this afternoon . It is a gorgeous day here today , which is nice . I am exhausted , but fairly relaxed today . It is hard not knowing when I can go home , but I 'm glad the weather is nice so the boys can play outside . We bought them bubble stuff yesterday so they have been enjoying that in the yard . I 'd love to lay down for a while , but my bed is in Micah 's room , so I don 't dare go in there lest he wake up . The other two would probably eventually find me too and barge in , also waking him up . Oh well . There is not much else to report at this time . Hopefully things will get sorted out soon , but we will for sure be here tonight , and it is looking like there is a good chance I 'll be here all weekend . Next week is a big blank so far . I will have to wait and see what happens . The boys are adjusting well and don 't seem to be as freaked out as they were at first . I am far less stressed myself , though I am still upset , so I think they are more relaxed as a result . Guess I am off for now to find a quiet spot to work on my book . Might as well do that while I 'm here ! I did some last night finally , so I should be able to do more today . I will try to update again tomorrow . It is day three of the exodus . We are surviving . The boys are hanging in there and not too distraught . Micah is a bit out of sorts , but doing okay . He still has pink eye . This is day five of that . It seems to be getting better . Was going to take him to the doctor here , but their walk - in situation is weird . Like unavailable . Irritating . Anyway , this has to be short . I don 't know when we can go home . We wil be here tomorrow again , but not sure whether we 'll be staying tomorrow night or whether we can go home sometime in the afternoon . It is hard for me to reach Mike these days , so I don 't get very good updates on the situation at home . It is nearly 5 p . m . and Micah is still napping soundly , so I am going to have to wake him now . I hope he will not be too upset . The only other thing I can say about our situation is that the rain keeps coming , so I am not sure what our chances are of beating this flood any time soon . It is wild . My heart goes out to those who have been evacuated that have no one to stay with or are really far from home . I know things are difficult for us right now , but they could be a lot worse , so I am trying to count my blessings . Gotta run and wake Micah . I 'm off for now . Well , it has finally happened . We had to leave our house . The flooding continues to get worse , and our basement walls are growing mould at an alarming rate . Here are some pictures . This is just a small area of the basement , but many walls were covered in this mould . I did some research and found out that not all mould that looks black is considered " black mould " , as in the really deadly stuff . However , it looks like ours probably is . With the serious dangers of this type of mould , we felt the urgency to get out of the house right away . Mike 's brothers came yesterday afternoon to help tear off the drywall . The plan was for me to take the kids away when the guys got there . Prior to that I was stuck because we were in the middle of yet another torrential downpour that lasted somewhere in the range of twelve hours . The " puddle " on our driveway , previously deep and rutty and difficult to get through , had become impassable . Cody had to stay home from school . Secretly , I believed I could make it , but Mike advised me not to . So I stayed home . I was busy packing anyway , preparing to go to my parents ' place in the big city three hours away . I was stressed and at a breaking point . My stomach was sick as a result . I felt wretched . The boys were grouchy and awful . Oh , and aside from the insane amount of water pouring down from the sky , the winds were incredibly strong . It was miserable . The driveway went from way better worse than we 've ever seen it in just hours . Here is a photo of how the driveway normally looks . This photo was taken on April 11th . Notice the ruts in the driveway . That is normal for spring . They usually get small puddles in them and get somewhat mucky for a few weeks . No big deal . This is the same view yesterday . Please note , we NEVER have standing water in our yard . In a horrible down pour we sometimes get large puddles , but we live in the sand , so they disappear within hours afterward , or a day at the most . What we are seeing now is absolutely unheard of . I will also add that down the driveway where you see the giant lake , the water is up to the top of Mike 's rubber boots . Over a foot deep . I would NEVER have gotten my van through that . Thank God I didn 't try . Here you can see the water in our yard is incredible , and almost meets up with the lake on the driveway . The yard was over six inches deep in many , if not most places . Unbelievable . Above is a tricycle that I used as a rain gauge . This first one was taken at 8 a . m . Notice the water level compared to the middle of the tire . Three hours later , the rain is up by close to an inch . When I left with the boys a few hours later , the black center of the tire was almost completely underwater . Just to make things more interesting , the fence also went down and I had to wade through water that was deeper than six inches in places trying to put it back up . It 's just a single strand of poly rope electric fence . I made sure I shut it off first . I hoped it would not go down again . I 'm fairly certain the wind was the culprit . So I am at Mike 's parents ' place with the boys . I have a headache from lack of sleep . I just couldn 't settle my mind last night so was awake until around 2 a . m . Today I will head to my parents ' place . I have an appointment in half an hour with Cody at his school , so I have to sign off for now . I may not have internet at my parents ' place , so not sure I 'll be able to update this very well . Either way , we are surviving , but both Mike and I are very discouraged and upset . I don 't know when I can go back home , but mould or no mould , I cannot get in and out with that much water in my way . I will update when I can . What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small .

Caution : This Romantic Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Heterosexual , Exhibitionism , Voyeurism , Desc : Romantic Sex Story : Chapter 1 - Ralph 's wife has an addiction and leaves him and she hopes someday to return . He meets her friend , Ruthie . Ruthie has her own secrets that become clearer as time goes on . And then there is Gisele . This story is about sexual addiction and fetishes and other practices out of the norm . More sex than the usual happyhugo story , but still in the romance category . Not all codes identified . " Mr . Ralph Burnam , my name is Ruthie Richards . Your wife and I share an apartment here in the city . The police were just here and they informed me that your wife has been in an auto accident . I 'm sorry to say , she has not survived . It saddens me to be the bearer of this news . I 'm sure the police will contact you shortly . I did give them your name as her husband . " I could hear the woman sobbing . " Thank you . You of course are aware that Nan and I were estranged , so I really appreciate you calling me . I suppose it is up to me to make arrangements . May I have your address ? It has been a year or more since I knew exactly where she has been living . You must have had feelings for her , because I can hear you weeping . " " Yes , I cared for her greatly . She was just about everything to me . I will look forward to having you visit me here at my apartment . Nan has told me so much about you that I feel I know you already . She still loved you and spoke of you almost every day , you know . She just couldn 't face coming home to you . I think her death is the saddest thing of all and I feel that someday she would have come back to you . Too bad now isn 't it ? I 'm really truly sorry . " Nan Burnam , originally Nan Bridges , had been once full of fun and life . Now I suppose her body was cold , broken , and headed for a hole in the ground . I would bring her home to rest with my ancestors - - and me when it came my time . I thought back over our life together . I met Nan at the university at during a frat party . At that time , I was quite the party animal myself . I saw her come in with one of the seniors and she looked scared to pieces . Her date went off , I went up to her and asked her name , and could I get her a drink . I looked across the room and could see her date had corralled one of his old girlfriends . " You know , you are on your own here now . Jim just brought you here for meat so - to - speak . When someone like you comes in , someone like me will get next to you , get you drunk and that 's all she wrote . " " You 're kind of a funny guy . Why don 't you get me a drink and I will be your date for the evening . I see Jim just went upstairs so it looks as if I 'm free . " For some reason I felt protective of her and I made sure that she did not go upstairs alone . It paid off , for I took her back to the apartment she was sharing and ended up spending the night with her in her own bed . We dated off and on the rest of the year . She questioned about what really went on in the upper story of the frat house . I said that she did not want to know , for it got pretty rough on the girls . I graduated and went back to my hometown where I had a job waiting for me . I had hooked up with an accounting firm and was working my ass off . Being a newbie definitely had its drawbacks . College was only a couple hours away and I occasionally made the trip to see Nan . I guess it was the middle of her last semester when I made the trip that was the most upsetting . I didn 't get to Nan 's apartment until eight on a Sunday morning . I knocked on her door and one of her roommates said she hadn 't got in from a party last night . I just said I would wait . I sat looking out the upstairs window where I could see her arrive . I recognized what everyone called a " frat car " pull up and Nan was more or less dumped on the sidewalk . She was upright but had to lean on the side of the building . The two boys that hauled her out of the car did a " high five " and took off leaving Nan trying to collect herself . I went down to her . God what a mess she was . She only had a dress on and that was on backwards . You could tell her underwear was also missing . She acted more worn out , I think , than drunk . If she had been drunk , she couldn 't have been in any worse shape . I helped her up the stairs and into the shower . I did not try to wash her . I just turned the shower on and sat her under it to rinse off . Up until now , she had not said a word . She explained where she had been . " Ralph , I know what they do upstairs at a frat party now . It wasn 't too bad at first , but it went on for hours . " I started soaping her and then I washed her . I made one of her roomies help get her a douche . I put her to bed and went along north towards home . What bothered me the most was that she never said she had any regrets about what she went through . To most women that had experienced this , it would be an intolerable ordeal . I wondered if Nan had found it so . Nan graduated that spring and I had a note that said she was returning to her home out in Kansas somewhere . I put her out of my mind . I was beginning to enjoy my job . The firm I was employed with hired a new crop of newbies . I took up golf and went out on the occasional date . Dad passed away and Mom wanted me to move back into the home place . Mom was a relatively young woman at fifty - nine . A year later , she was attracted to a man somewhat older than she was . He had just retired from his own business . He and Mom thought they would try Colorado , so they took off right after they were married . I was into my job about five years and living alone . Mom had given me a deed to the home place when she left . The only stipulation was that she could have a room rent - free if she ever needed it . A quiet and unassuming widower she had married was well to do , and said he would buy Mom any place anywhere she wanted . I came out of the office one day in the middle of August . I was just about to get into my car when , " Ralph , buy a girl a beer ? " Nan stood there smiling at me . " Sure , hop in . " That started our courtship . Nan got a job in the same firm I worked at , doing secretarial work . She moved in with me and we proceeded trying to wear out my bed . We made a good couple and Nan even took up golf . One day after she had been with me six months , we decided that we should be married . Married life was great for me and it seemed like it was for Nan . We slowly made friends with other couples our age . One couple was a little more liberal in their actions than I was wont to be . They flirted and were always making off - color jokes and even sometimes playing grab - ass with each other . When they became more familiar , they treated us in the same way . Bob was a big person standing five inches over my five - foot eleven . Peggy was big and buxom , always rubbing her breasts up against me . It affected me some - - I couldn 't help it . The girls were always talking about us guys and the size of our equipment . Peggy kept telling my wife how well endowed Bob was . Nan started in wanting to role - play about me screwing Peggy and her taking on Bob . I listened and kept looking at those massive boobs , finally deciding that maybe they would be fun to play with . Nan was small , only five foot - two and with a size thirty - two bust . This was just right for her frame and with her pixie face and cute little butt ; she was the center of attention when we went out . Not only that , she had a little , lilting laugh that just got to anyone that heard it . One Friday night , Peggy came over to my house and Nan went over to stay with Bob . I had the worst attack of jealousy when Nan went out the door , but Peggy was already here and her hands were all over me . It didn 't go well with me after the first session . Peggy kept a running commentary on how much Nan was going to enjoy Bob 's massive cock . I finally told her to shut up . I did not want to hear anymore about it . Maybe it was the difference between my wife 's little petite body and Peggy 's massive tits and big butt . I was just turned off , for there was not a firm place on her body anywhere . I couldn 't wait for Peggy to leave at daylight , but Nan did not come home until nearly noon . I took it that Bob was capable of taking care of both his wife and mine . I didn 't have much to say for several days , but one day Nan said she was sorry I didn 't enjoy our swapping experience . She had a good time , but if I did not , then she would not think about doing it anymore . We then dropped Peggy and Bob from our circle of friends . I brought up the subject of having children . We had never talked about it before this and I just assumed that someday we would have at least one , maybe even two kids . No way and Nan was so emphatic I never brought up the subject again . Things went along pretty well after that for us . We never had many disagreements or if we did , we worked them out . One day in October , Nan said that some of her friends wanted to go shopping in Boston right after Thanksgiving . She wanted to know if it was all right for her to go with them . I said sure go ahead . We had a nice Thanksgiving . Mom came out for the holiday and wanted us to fly out for Christmas . This was a surprise because Mom and Nan had never really hit it off . Of course , they rarely saw each other so it did not matter much . Nan and her friends were headed to Boston for a three - day weekend , and the excitement in her was building . All Nan could talk about were the shows they were planning to see . I came to almost wish , I were going with them . I gave it no more thought , glad for her to see the city lights again . It was black powder hunting season and I shot my deer on the Saturday morning opening day . Sunday afternoon a car pulled up and Nan got out . I looked to see who was driving . It was Bob . He didn 't look at me when he opened the trunk and handed me Nan 's bag . He acted pissed . Nan just said , ' hi ' to me and went in the house . " Ralph , don 't be mad . Honest , I didn 't know Peggy and Bob were going . I thought it was just Mary , Kim , Joan and me . I didn 't even know Kim knew Peggy and Bob . " Then her head came up and she looked defiantly at me . " It was a sort of swing club , if you must know , and I got fucked by about ten men . Bob wasn 't one of them , so I didn 't lie . " Nan 's face got red . " I think so . I don 't know for sure . You don 't think about things like that when you are on a sexual high like I was . " " I guess you know that I want you checked out for any STDs before we have sex again . You can kill yourself if you want to , but I 'll be damned if you are going to kill me . " I turned and walked into the other room . Nan followed me . " We might as well get this settled once and for all . Ralph , I love you with everything in my being . You are the best thing that ever happened to me . Saying that , I have to tell you that sometimes you aren 't enough . I may be a nympho , I don 't know . Do you remember that time you came down to school and found me coming home from the frat party ? I loved that and I still dream about what happened to me that night . The only thing bad about it was that they were boys and used me way too rough . They pulled on my breasts and forced me to do other things that I do not like and never will . " This weekend I was with men . I was still an object , but they were very careful not to hurt or injure me . That is a big difference . Where I was , the men are a closed group . Bob couldn 't even get in . Peggy was invited , but she could not prove she was clean so she couldn 't either . You probably don 't want to hear this , but one of my old college friends was waiting for me . She called me a month ago so that is why I was prepared . I have anticipated this so much that when I walked in , I was already hot and I did not even need any foreplay . " I was one of three women there . Friday night there were seven men . Saturday night there were five more , but two that were there Friday were not present . Being new , I was the one that got the most attention . Unbelievably , I started out with a three - hour orgasm and then rested and watched for a while , which was a major high for me in itself . " I went back for more after two hours and that was every bit as good as the first time . I slept most of Saturday and last night I did not last as long for I am terribly sore . I couldn 't take a man into me right now if my life depended on it . So now you know all about your sluttish wife . " " No I don 't think so . I have had what I wanted and I 'm really sorry I had to sneak around to get it . I love you . I 'm hoping you will forgive me and not leave me or send me away . " " Nan , how could you hurt me like this ? I love you and what you are doing breaks my heart . I may be a fool , but I 'll say you can stay this time , but only if you don 't do it again . " " I love you so much and the way you understand and forgive me . I 'll try to be good and I promise I won 't do this again . " I wondered . At least Nan did have good intentions , anyway . Whether she could keep her promise , remained to be seen . We settled in to wait for the holidays . I was concerned that Nan might leave for Boston and the New Year 's bash she had been invited to . I put it aside , we did have a wonderful Christmas , and I breathed a sigh of relief when the New Year came in and Nan was still with me . We were back to bed after she showed me the lab results that I had made a condition of us resuming as man and wife . " Ralph , can I talk to you ? " This was the first of February . " I had a call from Boston today . The group wants me to come down for Valentine 's Day . " This statement sent a chill through me . " Ralph , listen to me . One of the other women in the group is actually escorted to the parties by her husband . Couldn 't you do something like that for me ? You and I swapped with Bob and Peggy that time . You were okay with that . I am sure they would let you into the group . If you didn 't want to , you could stay in a hotel or something . " " Look Nan , you are going to have to pick either me or your compulsive lifestyle . I just can 't accept having you go off every few weeks or months and do what you do . You have to decide . Personally , I think you are sick to even think about it . I will get you some help if you want . In fact I insist on it . " " Okay I 'll forget it and I 'll think about the help . I 'm sorry I brought it up . I think I can handle it all right . It would be just so nice though , if you could see how I feel . " The thirteenth of February there was a note propped on the kitchen table when I got home from work . I 'm sorry Ralph , I didn 't have enough will power to resist . Don 't worry about me . I love you . You did your best so don 't beat yourself up over this . If I ever decide to return , it will be permanent . Until then , love and kisses , Nan . In June , I received an anonymous letter : Dear Mr . Burnam . I am sure you have been concerned about your wife who has left you because you could not or would not condone her addiction . At present , she is staying with two of the members of our group . I say staying - - she has her own quarters and sleeping with neither one . She is currently employed and earns her own living . She lives just as many a single person in our city is doing . The difference of course , is she has an addiction that she has to address at times and needs to fill periodically . We do watch out for the health and welfare of those who are with us and those we have been interested in joining us . None has ever come to harm at our hands . You may feel we are using your wife for our own ends and I suppose we are . You must remember though , that she is using us as well to fulfill her own needs . These , the needs she is not able to escape from . Rest assured if she decides to return to you and she does , we would welcome it without reservation . In no way have we ever coerced Nan to stay against her will . I hope this will put your mind at ease , until such time as she makes up her mind regarding her association with you , her husband . Many times we have heard her express her great love for you . Two hours later , I received a call and her demise was confirmed by the officer who was investigating her death . He asked if I would be taking charge of her remains . I said yes and that I would be coming to the city the following day to make arrangements . Before going in to see the authorities , I wanted to meet the woman that had informed me of Nan 's death . From what I could gather over the phone , the person was very broken up about Nan . Maybe even more than I was . I was saddened , but had no contact or word about my wife for nearly two years - - barring the unsigned letter , which may or may not have been on the level . I found the woman 's address in a nice section of the city . The apartment was on the third floor and when I announced myself on the intercom , I was told to take the elevator and I would find my destination just down the hall on the left . I knocked gently on the door and was directed to enter . I opened the door and could see this young woman sitting across the room . It was not bright in the room and yet the woman had sunglasses on . I put that down to maybe she had been crying . She rose and came towards me . " I 'm Ruth Richards , call me Ruthie . Thank you for coming . " She extended her hand , which I grasped and found her grip firm and confident . " Would you like tea or may I brew some coffee ? " " Not at all . I can tell you about Nan while we drink it . I know you have not seen her in a long time . You must be curious as to how she was and how she lived . " " Of course , go right through that door and into Nan 's room . Her bath is the door on the right . I should have realized you might need facilities after driving so far . " I went into the bedroom and surveyed where my wife had spent her last living days . I used the toilet and came out looking around the room . A picture of me was displayed prominently on the dresser at the foot of the bed . On the nightstand , Nan looked back at me from our wedding picture . God , I had forgotten how lovely she was . Tears came to my eyes and I choked up . I was there several minutes before I could return to my hostess . Even then , I had to sniffle a little . " That 's all right , it hit me when I saw our wedding picture . She was so beautiful . I wish now I had not been so hard - hearted . If I had only given in to her and let her live with me . I should have given her permission to do what she needed to do . If I had she might be alive today . " " Don 't feel that way . Nan said she would have lost your respect every time she had to leave . To the last of her days , she said it was the wisest choice you ever made . Otherwise , there would not be any fond memories to hold onto , either for you or for her . She hated what she did to you , but couldn 't help herself . " I sat looking at this woman that had befriended Nan . It was getting darker and darker in the room and I could hardly see Ruthie . " Would you mind if I turned on the lights ? " " Oh I 'm sorry , turn them on . I know you did not realize I am blind and it is always permanently dark where I am . I forget sometimes that people aren 't aware of my condition . " " That comes from being familiar with a person 's environment . Some of my other senses compensate , but not always enough . That is why I asked Nan to come and be my companion . She has been my eyes for the last year or more . I still do not know what I am going to do without her . I have become used to depending on her and I have let some of the skills I had slip . If there ever was an angel Nan was one . " " I was down in the little park at the end of the block . I feel confident in going that far sometimes . I was sitting on the bench nearest the sidewalk . I heard someone sit next to me . She was crying softly . No one but me would have realized it , for as I said , some of my senses are heightened . I asked her what the trouble was . She said that she had to move from where she lived , and had not been able to find accommodations anywhere . " I invited her back up here to my apartment . Over coffee , just as we are drinking now , she told me her problems and then eventually her life story . That was the first time I heard your name . She raved about what a wonderful husband you were . I could not understand why she didn 't go home to you . " That is when she said she had a fetish for long sustained orgasms . You could not stand her giving herself to other men and still have her as your wife . She hoped eventually her need for satisfaction would wear out and she could come home . She just knew you would have taken her back . " " She was right , Ruthie , I would have let her come home at anytime . I just needed the assurance that she would not fail in her determination to stay away from the temptation . How come she lost her living quarters ? " " Do you know the names of anyone of the group that I could contact ? I received a letter from someone telling me that they were protecting her . I would like to inform them of her death . I wouldn 't even mind if they were represented at her funeral . " I had a sudden thought . " Damn I have been talking to you so long it is too late to see the man at the morgue about arranging for her transportation home . I also have to find a hotel to stay in . " " Yes you can . Either you can sleep in her room or if that would bother you , I 'll give you a blanket and you can make do on the couch . Please stay . It would be as if she was still with me for a little while longer . I 'd like to tell you why I loved her so much and why having her here made my dark world a little lighter . " I stayed , watched , and marveled at how proficient Ruthie was as she prepared our substantial dinner . In addition , this woman that had no sight was beautiful in her own right . Nan had been small and dark with the pixie - look that made her attractive . Ruthie was much the opposite . She was tall , only a couple of inches shorter than me . Her long blonde hair was tied in the back with a ribbon and the hair had a wonderful sheen to it . She must spend hours brushing it I thought . Her facial features were fine with a small slightly upturned nose and thin lips that would be beautiful if I ever saw her smile . Her carriage was upright and confident . Her breasts were of the right size for her , maybe a little small , but firm , more like a clothing model 's . Her hips flared under the close fitting dress , which fell to an inch below her knees . " I am very sensitive to the way a person breaths . " Then she laughed and her smile was as beautiful as I imagined . " Really , I just felt you were looking at me and I guessed . Nan always said that you never were one to appraise a woman with just a glance , but liked to examine them , often to her embarrassment when you took so long at it . You were quiet for nearly four minutes . Just a matter of deduction , my Dear Watson . " This made me chuckle . " So what is your story ? You are younger than Nan or me . I 'm guessing you are about twenty - five or twenty - six , and although life has been unkind you have coped with it very well . " " My life has been difficult , but yes , I 'm reasonably happy , or was until a couple days ago . God I miss my friend . As I said before , she was my guardian angel . I used to try to do everything on my own . Nan showed me that it is okay to hire others to do things for you . Like , instead of trying to do my own grocery shopping I call up the nearest corner store and have them deliver . On the other hand , if I am walking on the street , I 'm not bashful about asking for assistance . I don 't get lost nearly as often as I did before , when I tried to find my way alone . " " No , I fell out of a roller coaster at a theme park when I was seven . A very good lawyer won a substantial settlement for the poor little girl that was going to be blind for the rest of her life . That is why I can afford to live in this section of Boston . " " Yes , but they live in New York City . Many people prefer living there , but I hated it . I moved here about five years ago . Mom and Dad worry about me out on my own , but so far , I have always had good people around me . Nan was the best of my friends . " " One more question and then I 'll stop the quiz . Would you come up to Vermont and be with me when Nan is laid to rest ? I so much would appreciate it . " I slept in my wife 's bed that night . Maybe her scent still lingered , for I felt she was here with me and I never felt lonelier in my life . Before I went to sleep , I looked through her papers . I found one phone number several times . I committed it to memory . She also had kept a diary . I did not look at it at first . Then I wondered if I could find anywhere in it if she was ever planning to come home . My answer was in the last entry she made . Dear Diary , I think I just about have the monkey off my back . It has been five months since I went to a party . One more month to go and I will call Ralph to ask him if he will let me come home . He has to . No , I will rephrase that , he doesn 't have to , but I know he will . Goodnight , Ralph , I love you . " I say that to confuse people . I can you know , by using your eyes . You will see things better yourself , for you have to explain what you are seeing out loud , you will be surprised how things become clearer when you verbalize them . " I could understand how this made sense . " Nan passed away after being in an auto accident two days ago . I am here in the city to have her remains removed to Vermont . At one time , I received some communication that while Nan was in the city , she would be protected and watched over . That task is complete , but unfortunately , the protection did not extend to a random accident . However I want to extend my thanks on both my behalf and of course hers . " I went and arranged to have Nan transported . I had to make two calls to Vermont before everything came together . I returned to Ruthie 's apartment and started gathering up Nan 's effects . So little to have to show for a person 's life . All of the furniture in her room belonged to Ruthie . " Did Nan work someplace ? " I asked . " Nan went some place every morning for four hours . I paid her a stipend to be with me the rest of the time . She never said where she went and I never asked . I assumed she worked part time as a secretary . " " Not in the last few months . Before that , I would know when she did . She would start about a week or ten days before , getting hyperactive and by the time the Friday night arrived , she couldn 't contain herself . I usually would hear her come in sometime after midnight on Sunday morning . She would sleep until dinnertime and then have dinner and go right back to bed and sleep until the next morning . When she got up , she would be as normal as could be . For three weeks and then the same routine all over again . " " Just that she had a lot of sex . She said she was not into anything kinky . No interracial . She said the group she was involved with was all white males . In addition , she was not interested in the same sex or anal and screamed if anyone suggested a blowjob . The only thing she bragged about was that if she stayed in the doggie position she could sustain an orgasm for several hours as long as there were partners immediately available . God , when she told me that I thought she was lying . " " She swore she never did any drugs and never needed alcohol to get up for her party . Nan was certainly a strange person in many ways . I can see how you couldn 't live with her as your wife . I do believe she wanted to come home to you . If only she could have lived a little longer , I think she would have made it too . " I had to agree with Ruthie . The trip home was sad , but more interesting than the ride down . I had to talk most all the way . Ruthie would say , " What is on the left ? Tell me what you see . " I would tell her and she would come back with , " Tell me what color it is or how tall or how large . Paint me a picture . Make me visualize it . You aren 't anywhere near as good as Nan was yet , but you will get the hang of it . " When we pulled in front of my home , we sat there and I had to describe it in detail . She wanted to know what the house looked like , the color , where the front door was , and where the windows were located . " Tell me about the barn . Nan said you have one ? " " I do , but it is old and for God 's sake don 't ever go in it . The floor is not safe . I should have it taken down , but it was built in the seventeen hundreds , so it is a local landmark . " " Why don 't you have it fixed up ? You could rent it out as a studio for a painter or writer . You 'd get your money back in just a few years . " " Now tell me about your land - - open , wooded , steep , wet , just tell me about it . Make me see it . If I 'm out for a walk , I will want to know where I am . There will be no one to ask directions of . " I did the best I could . Why did I , though ? I began to have the feeling that Ruthie might be with me for a while , but nothing was said about that . I know I would like to have her around , just to look at , if nothing else . When we got inside the house , I had to tell her about each room . How big they were , what and where the furniture was located , etc . I ended it for the present by walking her around the kitchen , the living room and the bedroom that she would be using . Unfortunately , the bathroom was on the second floor . She said that would be no problem just as soon as she was acclimated to the layout of everything . There was a small sitting porch off the kitchen overlooking a three - acre field . I took Ruthie outside , bundled her in with an extra throw robe , guided her to the rocker and said I was going to unpack the things of Nan 's that I had brought from Boston . I also retrieved Ruthie 's suitcase and put it in her bedroom , opening the window slightly to air out the room . This room had been closed for a while . I quickly grabbed the vacuum for the floor and did a dust over of the walls and furniture tops . I remembered there was a heat vent that I had closed , so when I shut the window I opened the vent .

I had my hair cut this morning and , although I didn 't have very much taken off , I think I am happy with it . I don 't go into shock when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror anyway . I think the girl who cut my hair was disappointed that she didn 't get to cut off more of it . She stood ready with the scissors and the comb to tackle the job . She was done very quickly , and as a result I only had to pay her very little money . It 's so nice when you get a financial break . I want to wash my hair with the silver shampoo , but then I have to be patient enough to let the suds stay in my hair for 5 minutes or so , and lately I have not felt like doing that . It is really a very small effort and I ought to do it today . I will like the color of my hair afterwards , but I really have to motivate myself to sit quietly and wait for those 5 minutes . I am having some coffee , because I was hitting a low in my energy level . I have been keeping myself busy with banking affairs and it was quite intricate work . As a rule , that 's just the kind of job that 's right up my alley and I enjoy doing it , even when I run into the odd frustration . I like to solve problems and am good at it . It doesn 't bother me as long as it is work that I do for myself and I understand what I am doing . I swear that coffee makes me sleepier instead of more alert , because now I am starting to yawn and that was not the purpose of drinking it . I may have to take a nap instead of washing my hair . I 've got to put a clean duvet cover on my bed to make the experience extra special . I want one that smells like the outdoors . I had a very pleasant domestic help here today who was able to carry on a decent conversation when we had a cup of coffee , and who also liked Tyke and Gandhi very much and the feelings were mutual . Since I am without a steady domestic help , I have had various different ones every week , but the one I had today can come back more often if she wants . She did the work at an easy pace and got everything done within the allotted time . The most important thing was that she did not make me feel nervous while she moved around the apartment . Although I have recovered from the surgery on my meniscus well , it does seem to have made some impact on me emotionally and for the last three afternoons , I have had to take a low dose of a tranquilizer so that I will be a bit more relaxed . I feel the edge of stress building up and it is not pleasant , but unproductive and bothersome . When the tranquilizer starts to work , I feel a lot of calm and peace of mind and I feel that I can be much more sensibly occupied . This afternoon , I visited my new bank account and have already memorized my new codes to get into it and use my bank card . I thought that might be a bit of a problem , but it turned out not to be . My brain is still capable of taking it in . It is fun to be in a new virtual environment and to find out how it works , and really , it is all quite logical . There is not much that can go wrong . I entered the information for the periodic payments that need to be made and it was a piece of cake . Anyone could have done it . I also looked at some of the projects the bank invests in and I must say that they please me very well . I also myself have the opportunity to invest with a low monthly starting amount , but I have to be financially a bit more comfortable before I do . I will try to in the near future . I think I did the right thing by going with this bank and I am pleased about my decision . I can 't believe how quickly the afternoon went by . It feels like I just not too long ago walked Tyke at noontime . It 's been such pleasant weather all dayIrene I have been given the okay by the orthopedic surgeon to start riding my bike again , providing I don 't ride it in too low a gear . I 'm not supposed to make it too difficult for my knee . Actually , I think riding a bike is a good exercise and I can 't wait to go to the grocery store on it . I have to buy some bread and that will make a good outing because my bike will not be loaded down with bags of groceries and there are no inclines to have to get up on . It has been a while since I have been to the hairdresser and it is time that I make an appointment . I waited a bit longer before I did because I wanted my hair to get to the proper length . I didn 't mind too much at first when it was cut so short , but decided later that it was more flattering if I let it grow longer a little bit . Now it is and all it needs is a little trim . I will call for an appointment today and try to get in as quickly as possible . I am still on three waiting lists for an apartment up north . I had taken myself off the short term lists because I was not ready to make the move yet , and recently I have taken myself off the lists for apartments with only one bedroom . I realized that I will always need a guest bedroom , what with people from overseas coming to stay . At the rate I am moving to the top of the lists , I am looking at a time frame of another half year and then I will really have to make a decision . A shortage of money is still a bit of a problem that I have not sorted out yet and I am willing to accept donations . I will not be going to my daughter in Houston for the holidays this year because she is making other plans . She did say that maybe it is possible that I come for Thanksgiving , but I would have to pay for my own plane ticket , which is impossible , of course . Needless to say , I will make different plans and maybe I will be moving at that time . In the end , you should always do what you think is right for you and make your own plan . If you try to calculate in what you think are the wishes of other people , you will end up in the wrong placIrene Yesterday for dinner , I totally overdosed on grilled cheese sandwiches . I could not get enough of them and ate them until I was practically bursting . I don 't know where this sudden passion for them came from , but I have always been fond of them , although I have never taken eating them to this extreme . I do have to say that it was a completely enjoyable experience and that I hardly regret it , except that it has made me very thirsty and that now I am drinking one tall glass of ice cold lemonade after the other . But , of course , that is very enjoyable too , because what could a nicer way to quench my thirst , except for ice cold milk , which I don 't have and which would upset my stomach . Yesterday , when my friends were here , they told me they wanted to give me the money to get Tyke 's fur trimmed , because they knew I didn 't have it and that it was necessary that it got done . I certainly thought that was a kind thing to offer to do and I didn 't turn them down . I can now call the dog salon in the morning and make an appointment . That is a great relief to me and it will be a relief to Tyke as well when he has been trimmed . I got the final papers in the mail for the change over to my new bank and everything should be finalized on the 6th of August when I will start using my new bank account . I always thought it was a major undertaking to change banks , but so far it hasn 't been too much of a problem . All the automatic deposits and withdrawals will be taken care of . I fell asleep on top of the duvet last night . I was too warm to get under it . It doesn 't cool off too much at night and feels like it does on a pleasant summer day . I haven 't had the need for my bathrobe when I get up in quite a while . Today I have to see the orthopedic surgeon and no doubt he will be happy with my progress , because I am walking around quite normally . But then again , that is about all I can do with my knee . I can 't play football yet . Posted by Much to my delight , it is cloudy today and cooler than it has been . I have all the windows open and the fan turned on , and now it really makes a difference and the animals are luxuriating in the coolness of the breeze . I stuck a book under the backside of the fan so that it is pointing a bit more downward and I think both Tyke and Gandhi appreciate that very much . It has cooled down so much that I had to cover my arms and shoulders with a lightweight summer jacket when I walked Tyke , although I do think I am exaggerating a little bit . I probably could have stood the temperature , but I like to be comfortable at all times . Three drops of rain fell on us when we were out there , but then nothing else happened , so it was a false alarm . I was up early this morning and used that opportunity to do my chores , of which there were several that I neglected to do yesterday for some reason . I think that yesterday I did not have my ducks in a row as well as I do today , but I have no idea why that was so . Oh yes , I do know . I took a tranquilizer earlier today because I felt the need for one , and now I feel amazingly calm and collected . Maybe I should do that more often . I will try it again tomorrow and see how much I like it and discuss this option with my psychiatrist . Unbeknown to me , I was possibly walking around with a bit more stress than I was aware of . It does make quite a bit of difference in the way I deal with the day and the things that take place in it . They are much easier to deal with . In a while , some friends of mine are going to come over for a visit . They are a couple I have known for ages . I was , of course , unable to go to the shop to buy something good to go with the coffee , but I was told they were on a diet anyway . So am I , so I guess that turns out to be a good thing all around . I would have liked a good excuse to have some little cakes with whipped cream , but it is not to be . I 'm afraid that the sun is starting to come out and that is not at all what I want . I 'll have to close the blinds before it becomes Irene I was trying to visit Facebook , but when I tried to load the page , things moved awfully slow to the point of an almost complete stand still . After some frustrating minutes , I decided that I must have cookies and other sorts of nastiness and I ran the CCleaner , which removed a bunch of junk . I also restarted the computer , and much to my relief , these two measures solved my problem and I could get on with what I wanted to do . The other benefit was , that I then could drink my cup of coffee in peace and quiet . The nice thing about today is that it is Saturday and that the rerun of one of my favorite TV programs will be on . Unfortunately , it is also the final episode , but I can 't miss it because I did last Wednesday night when I went to bed early . There are not many programs that I am hooked on and this is one of the few ones that gets close . It is called , " Holland Bakes " and is a wonderful amateur baking competition that makes me want to get into the kitchen and bake everything under the sun myself , but especially brownies . I had gained some weight while I was out of commission with my disabled knee , and also because I had eaten things that were not smart to eat , but I went on the bathroom scale a while ago and saw that the weight is already coming off again . I am not overly concerned about carrying some extra weight , but I don 't want it to get out of hand and have it get to the point of no return . I only have healthy food in the apartment now and no chance of indulging in all sorts of cravings . Of course , when my American ex was here I didn 't stick to a sensible way of eating either and indulged in many foods I normally would not have . The place where that spider bit me in the bottom of my foot is slow in healing and I still need to keep a Band - Aid on it . I suppose I should put that antibiotic ointment on it that I have . Maybe that will help heal it more quickly . Posted by It has not escaped my attention that recently there was a full moon , but contrary to my expectations , I did not react oddly to it , meaning I did not become a lunatic . I have thought in the past , when I was caught quite unawares , that I was affected by the full moon , but it must have been a coincidence that I was somewhat off kilter then . Maybe it is an old wife 's tale that people are , and the full moon has very little effect on people 's emotions . Maybe we only imagine that it does and we look for evidence that is not really there . Not having anything to do with the full moon at all , I looked at the cash register receipt of the supermarket and realized that I have to make the groceries last longer than a week . I do very optimistically stack my sandwiches with cheese and lunchmeat like I am a wealthy American and there is no end to the supply . That means that Dutch frugality has not gotten much of a hold of me yet . I do want to really taste something when I bite into my sandwich . I want it to be a rewarding experience and really make an impression on my taste buds . I try my sandwiches with mayonnaise , and mustard , and organic margarine , depending on my mood . The organic margarine comes close to tasting like butter and is very pleasant to eat in combination with the cheese and lunchmeat . Butter does not settle into my stomach well at all and I am surprised that I can eat the cheese , being lactose intolerant . I think I do suffer for it a bit , but not bad enough to stop eating it . I do need some amount of calcium . I stopped giving Tyke the pain medication for his hernia today , because I want to see how well he does without it . He seemed alright on his walk this morning , but I think I have to wait to see how he does the rest of the day . It may be a too optimistic try and he may still need it . I have got to make a sandwich now and watch some German television for my daily language lesson . It is working because I am learning new words every day . Posted by I would very much like for my daily life to get back to normal as quickly as possible , because I don 't like it when things are not like they usually are . It 's maybe ok for them to be discombobulated for a day , but after that my patience has worn out , and I want to pick up where I left off . I am glad to say , that my post - op knee is improving pretty much by the hour now and that I find myself capable of ding more all the time , albeit in little steps , but I am an optimist and see them as major improvements . I do have to take the pain medication , but I figure since I am allowed to , that is part of the equation . I had the bandage removed and my knee looked at yesterday , and much to my relief , it looked wonderful . There was no swelling , nor hemorrhage , and the tiny little cuts were already healing themselves . That was so much better than I had hoped for . I was told that I only had to use one crutch from that moment on , but when I got home , I found out that I got around much better using no crutches at all as long as I don 't make any unexpected moves . I haven 't ventured outside yet and won 't for a while . All the moving around I do is inside where I can sit down whenever I feel like it . I won 't be walking Tyke for a while yet , but I should be able to by next week and I am looking forward to that . Cabin fever is no good for anything . I was able to do some much needed household chores yesterday , and I was relieved about that , because things were starting to pile up . I am almost a happy camper , and I will be when I can go outside and especially when I can ride my bike again . That will be the ultimate test . Posted by I went to bed at an early time last night , but found I could not sleep because of the pain in my knee . This despite the fact that I had just taken a paracetamol . Apparently it was not strong enough , so I got up and took one of those heavy duty pills , even though I had been avoiding doing that . Eventually , it did the trick and I fell asleep , only to wake up two hours later because I had to go to the toilet , which was my own fault . I drank a tall glass of lemonade before I went to sleep because I was so thirsty . I had also been bit by a mosquito and the itching was keeping me awake , but now that I have scratched it enough , it has stopped bothering me . It is not like that time when I got bit by that spider and I knew about it for a long while . I 've still got a band aide over that spot . It was the second time in my life I got bit by a spider and I still have a scar from the first time . That one happened in Boston , but I don 't know what kind of spider that was . It could have been a black widow . I keep almost tripping over the animals , who insist on following me wherever I go , and normally this would not be a problem , but I think if I were to trip now , I would be in big trouble . I don 't know what magic they think I am going to perform when I go somewhere in the apartment , but apparently they expect something from me . I think that since I have put them on a dry kibble diet , they still hope there will be something from a can . It 's not as if the dry kibbles are not the best there are . They are both seated at my feet now , looking at me expectantly . I suppose I will have to get up and see what it is that they want and I will have to pull a monkey out of my sleeve . It will be something that is impossible for me to deliver anyway . I am terribly hungry because I forgot to eat that sandwich before I went to bed last night and now my stomach is growling . I am having visions of food served buffet style on a long table from which I could take whatever I want , although I think my eyes would be bigger than my stomach . I will get oveIrene I think yesterday , when I stated so bravely how well I was doing after my surgery , I must have been under the influence still of the general anesthetic . I thought I was still doing pretty good this morning , but now , at the end of the day , I really feel the pain in my knee , this despite the fact that I have been taking the paracetamol every 4 hours . I suddenly , or rather , little by little , don 't feel all that great anymore and I am glad that I am going to the clinic tomorrow morning to have that huge bandage removed and have my knee looked at . To tell you the truth , I am going to be a bit scared to look at it myself . It was another hot day today , but just now clouds moved in and in the distance there was some thunder . It is supposed to rain tomorrow and be a bit cooler and I , for one , can 't wait for it to be . The fan has been blowing cooler air through the living room all day and I had the front windows and blinds closed most of the time to keep it cool in here and that seems to have worked . Tyke discovered the benefit of the fan and has been lying down in the cool breeze of it most of the day . A while ago I finally opened the kitchen window because it was cool enough to . I am getting cabin fever already , this despite the fact that moving around is uncomfortable and the pain reminds me that I really can 't do anything . I am bound to the sofa and the computer and to the latter for small periods of time . I appreciate the fact that the Exfactor is walking Tyke now that it is so hot outside , but I 'd love to be able to do more myself . The apartment is getting a little bit messier because I don 't clean up after myself as well . I can 't be bothered to undo the messes I make . Any time I spend on my feet is too much . Because this is so exhausting , I can 't wait to go to sleep tonight . I have hardly ever wanted to go to bed as much , at least not recently . It is too hot to sleep with the duvet on until it becomes morning and then I need it for a little while . Tyke seems to think that it is coolest underneath my bed and that is Irene I 've had the surgery on my knee , and I think because I went into it with a positive attitude , I came through the whole process well and am now doing pretty good also . I am able to control whatever pain I have with just paracetamol and don 't have to take the more heavy duty pills that I also have . I think that is much more preferable . I was only in the operation room for 25 minutes , which I think is the standard time for a surgery like mine . I was awake from the anesthetic very quickly and ready to go home in no time at all . I had a cup of coffee and went to the toilet and got dressed and waited a little while for my sister to come and pick me up . I am home in my own apartment and happy for it and Tyke is with me . The Exfactor comes over to walk him 3 times a day and can check on me at the same time . My sister checks on me constantly and I can call her no matter what time of day or night it is . I am able to get around on crutches real well and if I have to get something to drink , I manage on one crutch . I am not nearly as impaired as I thought I was going to be . The weather was very hot yesterday and I had a bit of a hard time keeping it cool inside . Luckily , I did have the fan that helped some and Tyke and I both found relief with it . I am going to have to keep the windows on the side of the apartment that gets all the sun closed , because too much hot air comes inside . I 'll have to drape something in front of the kitchen window . So you see , as surgeries go , this was not such a bad one . Posted by Earlier in the week , I sent away for some literature from the Rheumatism Fund , and it arrived in the mail yesterday . Today I have to sit down and read it thoroughly and apply whatever good tips are in it to myself . One of the booklets I got is how to move best in your daily life when you have osteoarthritis . Because I have a bad shoulder , I avoid doing anything too painful with it , but I know you should not stop from using it altogether because you have to keep those muscles strong . A bad shoulder is one more thing my sister and I have in common and it causes us the same problems down our arms and in our elbows and hands . . In this way we exchange information and helpful knowledge . My sister is at the moment getting physical therapy twice a week for her shoulder , but because I don 't have that in my insurance package , I am going to have to work it out on my own , which I think I will be able to do with the help from the literature I got . It really is true that your body becomes more decrepit the older you get and that is reason to take very good care of it and to find out about whatever is not working right as much as possible . It certainly is not my intention to become victim to my ailments . I do not like not being able to do whatever I intent to do , or to be dependent on other people . I am very appreciative of the fact that I have a domestic help who does all the big household chores , but at least our relationship is clear and her job is well defined . I have decided not to stay with my sister after I have had the surgery to my knee , but to go home instead . Tyke will be with the Exfactor , so I will not have to take care of him . I will like being home better in my own surroundings and I should only be slightly handicapped for a day or so . I will be on crutches and be able to get around that way if necessary . I do not like being in other people 's houses for extended periods of time , especially not if I am in some way impaired . Besides , I would only be able to sleep on their sofa , because the bedrooms are upstairs andIrene Today I supervised my sister while she worked in the garden of the house she and my brother in law just moved into . It has many neglected , overgrown bushes and trees that need to be trimmed and sawed and chopped and whatever else can be done to them . In the process of removing some of this neglected greenery , other beautiful things came to light as big surprises . Ferns that were very mature and also full grown hydrangeas in bloom . That garden has not been taken care of for decades and I know my sister has been eager to start making it look a bit more decent . There is lots of work left to be done and she is going to need all sorts of help to finish it . Some of the trees are very big and crowded together and it 's going to take a lot of muscle power to trim them or to even take them out . Because of my bad shoulder , I did not even attempt to help her , knowing the damage that I could do by trying to saw or chop anything . I did feel very tempted because the job looked like a lot of fun and it was very obvious that my sister was enjoying herself . We both should have been gardeners . Today , more than any time , it was clear how much alike we are and watching her at work was like watching myself . She went about the job in exactly the same way I would have done and had the same ideas at the same moments . Having said that , I don 't think we should ever try to do the same job at the same time , but I think one of us should always be the supervisor and the other one the laborer . I , being the oldest one , should always have the former job . My brother in law was busy building a section of fence and a gate on the side of the house so their dog would not be able to escape , although he is a very good dog and really makes no attempt to . He wants to stick close to the people he belongs to and see what sort of interesting things they are doing . He knows me well and we go through an extensive greeting ritual when he sees me , just like Tyke does when I come home . Speaking of Tyke ; I have to go walk him and then we both have to eat dinner . I am very tired from all that supervising and will go to sleep early tonight . Posted by There 's no doubt that when you write a post about ordinary , every day things , that lack a certain amount of excitement , your stats drop . With this I make the confession that I check my stats every day and am always pleased when they peak . I do look to see what subject I posted about that made this happen and try for a repeat performance , but I am not always able to pull it off . Sometimes I have to write about something very dull , because that is what my day looked like . Right now , I 've got one heck of a pain in my knee and I am glad that I will be operated on on Monday and that in a short time after that I should be without pain . Now it always feels like I have been kicked there during a football match and not only that , I am constantly in danger of placing it in the wrong position and having it lock up again . I will very heroically ignore the pain and try to concentrate on something completely different . When I was a kid , my father installed heating systems in existing houses and always had to get in the shallow crawl spaces of them . This is where all of the copper pipes had to go that led from one room to the other . Because of this work in , very often , damp and cold circumstances , he developed a bad knee that used to bother him something awful . Because this bad knee was considered a hazard of the job , my father made a copper band that fit around his knee in the believe that was popular then , that the copper had healing qualities . I don 't think that he even saw a doctor for his problem , or that a doctor could have done much for him , except to tell him to stop doing that kind of work , which was impossible . My father had not been educated to do anything else . I do now wonder what was wrong with his knee and if something could have been done about it . No doubt if he had lived in these modern times , something would have . People did not very quickly go to the doctor back then , but relied on home remedies that did or did not help them . There were , of course , a lot of old wife 's tales that would not hold up in court toIrene I am managing to get a lot of things done these last couple of days , and that is a good thing , because I turned out to have to make all sorts of last minute arrangements . This came at the same time that I had some other commitments , so the last few days in my agenda have been filled up with notes and reminders . I keep thinking now that I am forgetting something , and I am sure I am , and that it will come back to me when I can 't do anything about it . My mind is not always as sharp as I 'd like it to be and sometimes crucial " to do items " slip through the cracks . Since they are not matters of life or death , I will not worry about them too much and figure that , in the end , everything will land on its feet . I am in the process of changing banks and it isn 't as simple as it sounds , although my new bank has a way of making it as easy as possible . I 've still got to keep my wits about me and make sure I transfer my money from one account to the other at the right time . I 've got a booklet with a step by step description of how to go about it , so anyone can do it , but I am not just anyone and mistakes can be made . The bank I chose is a bank that invests in environmentally and socially and economically responsible projects and I thought it was about time that I got away from the big mega banks that have all the wrong kind of super power and gave this bank a chance . I had given it a lot of thought and made the decision when I saw another commercial of them on television and became convinced that I should do this . Tyke is doing a lot better and walking much more easily . I can tell that he still has some pain , but I think the medication that I gave him this morning does help him . He is more alert and I am also happy to say that he likes his new food and eats it without making a fuss . I thought he would complain about it because it 's a special food that is very low in calories . Apparently it is also very tasty . I am glad to see that some clouds have drifted into the sky and are blocking the sun . It will be a bit cooler when I takIrene I took Tyke to the vet this afternoon after I had taken care of numerous other things . I was worried about getting him over there even though the vet is just two streets over from here . Tyke had been so reluctant to walk that I thought we might not make it over there , but when the time came , he did slowly but surely manage to get there . It just took a while . The vet thoroughly examined him and it turned out that Tyke has a hernia in his lower back that also affects his hind legs and makes it painful for him to move . That is why he was basically just lying around in one place and not going anywhere . It is also why he lost all interest in his food and seemed so depressed . The vet said that this problem was often seen in dogs that had short legs and dogs that were overweight , which are two conditions that Tyke has . Since his chemical castration he has gained quite some weight and I did not take that into consideration when I fed him . I was basically just spoiling him and not being as strict with him when it came to healthy eating habits as it came to myself . The vet gave him an injection for the pain and gave me medication that I will start giving him tomorrow . The most important thing is that Tyke has to lose weight and he gave me a bag of food that Tyke has to eat from now on and nothing else . There will be no more in between treats and whatever he leaves in the bowl after he has eaten , I have to put back in the bag of food . There will be no more grazing . From being almost unable to move , Tyke improved quite a bit and I was able to take him for almost a normal walk in the evening . I think that injection for the pain helped him a lot . He finally ate and drank some water and started showing more interest in his surroundings . Just now he even managed to get on the sofa and look out the window and I was surprised that he did . I still don 't know how he got up there . I had been very worried about him and could not figure out what was wrong with him and imagined all sorts of ailments . Now I am glad that it is just a hernIrene The MRI scan of my knee was made at least a week and a half ago , and yesterday morning I finally had my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to find out the results . I was all prepared for him to tell me that I had osteoarthritis and that I would have to learn to live with it , and had put anything else that could be wrong pretty much out of my mind . Actually , for the past weeks I had not given it that much thought except for the nagging pain that I kept having , but that had become part of my daily routine too . Imagine my surprise when he told me that I had a torn meniscus and that I would have to have surgery right away . It took a minute or two for that to penetrate my thick skull because I was not prepared to hear it and at first I tried to get out of the surgery . He quickly set me straight by explaining the procedure and the fact that it was necessary , and then the penny fell into place and I realized I was being illogical . The procedure itself is fairly simple and only takes half an hour , but I am getting a general anesthetic . Still , I will only be in the clinic for a couple of hours until it has worn off . My knee will be wrapped in a huge bandage for comfort , and when I have had something to drink , and visited the toilet , I will be able to leave and I will do so on crutches . My sister is going to take care of me the first days until I am able to walk again and that should not take too long . I 've got exercises that I have to do six times a day that will help me recover quicker . My sister has had the same kind of surgery on both knees and is very familiar with the whole process . So , that is what I will be doing this coming Monday . The Exfactor will take care of Tyke , but chance would have it that I think Tyke is sick and I am going to take him to the vet today . All he does is sleep , and when he does not sleep , he just sits and stares into the distance . He does not want to go for walks and shows very little interest in anything . You would almost think he was depressed . I do worry about him . Posted by Because I am able to sit down at the table and eat a meal of normal proportions now , it dawned on me that I can actually start asking people over for dinner and enjoy the food myself also . For this reason , I have gotten out the well worn 25 year old edition of my Betty Crocker cookbook and very eagerly started looking up recipes . This turned out to be a lot of fun and I ended up reading recipes of all sorts of categories and was re - educated in the process . It teaches you the most basic ones , like the recipes for baking all sorts of biscuits and cornbread . When I do have people over for a meal , I want to fix real American food to surprise their Dutch palates with . Every meal that I plan to prepare , I am going to try out on the Exfactor first . I think his taste buds are discriminate enough to tell me if it 's a good enough one . He likes to cook himself and does fix all sorts of things and is not afraid to try something new . I think I know what I am going to prepare for the first meal , but I also realize that my kitchen is not yet equipped very well , so I am going to have to do something about that little by little . The first thing I will have to get is a good muffin pan and after that I will have to get a good rectangular glass baking dish , but that will be for the second meal . My ambition for the first meal is to fix shrimp jambalaya , and let me tell you : I will be the one who enjoys eating that the most . I love any sort of rice dish and I do like something spicy with shrimp in it . I think preparing a good meal at home is the next best thing to going out to a very decent restaurant . If you want food that really tastes good and is prepared well , you have to pay a price for it and you may as well save yourself some money and buy the ingredients and fix that meal at home . That does not mean that I don 't enjoy going out to a restaurant and enjoying the ambiance and having someone else cook for me . It just isn 't going to happen very often . The last few days , this thought has been keeping me busy : does what I want to do , or think I ought to do , make me happy or do me harm , and if not , does it make anyone else happy or do anyone else harm ? If it does not do any of these things , then it absolutely makes no difference and it is probably not important if it 's done or not . If it makes me or anyone else happy , then it is very important and it gets done , and if it harms anyone , well , that speaks for itself . I find it a good rule to live by and it takes care of any guilt feelings I may have about what I think I am supposed to do by society 's standards . These standards don 't even come into play , they being the ones about what the neighbors will say if you exhibit a certain kind of behavior . I don 't want to pay any attention to them . I seem to be going through a massive growing spurt emotionally , and one I thought was not possible at my age . This comes after a period of stagnation when I thought everything was static and there was even some backward motion . Lots of people are turning out to be teachers , whether or not this is their intention . It is because several events are taking place at roughly the same time , which is something that always seems to happen in life . Luckily , the nice thing about being older , is that I have the knowledge to learn from these experiences and use the lessons I learn to my advantage . I don 't ignore anything I hear or see or feel , and try to draw something good out of it that I get wiser from . That makes me sound awfully assured , but let me tell you that I am not that much in reality . I theory I know a lot and I can reason myself into being brave , but I have lots of periods of insecurity when I am not all that sure of myself . Especially in the morning I do have to gather my courage about me . I find that I am braver when I am surrounded by other people and less brave when I am confronted with just myself . It 's because I see myself reflected off other people and realize that I am not such an odd person , and if I do differ , I see thIrene I always try to learn at least one lesson from every experience that I live through and having had my American ex here to stay is no exception to the rule . I have lived alone now for at least 5 years and in that time I have learned to become an independent and autonomous human being who can take care of herself . By nature I am an optimist and I always try to see the positive side of life . I thought I was managing fairly well , although I realized there were some things that I could not cope with and I did have to use certain guidelines to live my life by in order to maintain my mental health as much as possible . Circumstances could not get too exciting , otherwise I could not cope . All that time I maintained that living alone was good for me and that I functioned better as an autonomous person who made up her own mind about what happened in her life and was not dependent on anyone else . I tried to ignore the feelings of discomfort and panic I often felt and that I spent much time and energy shoving into the background . All of that changed while my ex was here . Suddenly I was not a person on my own anymore , but temporarily part of a unit and my whole body and soul relaxed . I did no longer feel that it was just me against the world , but felt more secure and like I had a safety net to catch me in case something bad would happen . I became much more certain about myself in an all around way . That sense of security disappeared almost right away when my ex went back to the States . I felt the sense of panic and fear enter my body again and pain returned to my neck and shoulders . I have to admit that I function less well on my own than I pretend I do and I have to own up to the fear and panic that I feel every day in order to deal with it . Owning up to those feelings gives me a sense of relief , although I do not have a solution for how to get over them . I am not going to bother finding it right now , but just feel what I feel and not pretend that I am not scared to death . Whenever I start acting like I am super brave again and there is nothing wrong , I remember to own up to my true feelings and I feel a weight fall off my shoulders . It 's time for my ex to go home , because every day he comes back to the apartment from his daily outing with decadent foods that he has bought at the store on his way back from downtown . There is always something he has bought with me in mind and that is full of calories and that he knows I can 't resist . Of course I should have the willpower to , but I do appreciate the gesture and don 't want to make him feel bad by saying that he ought not to do this . I also know that this is just a temporary circumstance and that I am going back to my normal diet within the shortest amount of time . He is actually leaving on Friday and I will have my space back to myself . I do feel good about that , because I do appreciate some amount of solitude and being able to live my life on my own particular schedule . He has been an excellent guest , however , and has been great company , and I couldn 't have asked for a better . He will be back next year for a longer period of time , but I will have to set some rules about the food that gets brought into the apartment . There is not to be this cornucopia of everything that tastes good but is bad for you . Last night we went out for Chinese / Indonesian food at the restaurant that is within walking distance of the apartment . I wanted to have a very leisurely meal , because I knew that there was always more food served than you could eat and it was better if you took your time and savored the dishes that are kept warm on a hot plate . I tried to explain this to my ex , but he very enthusiastically ordered a number of items from the menu , which I knew would be too much to eat , and when the first of them appeared on the table , he dug in with much gusto . I had ordered a little more carefully , which turned out to be a good thing . I was able to eat most of my meal , which consisted of Indonesian rice , big deep fried shrimp in a delicious sauce , and wonderfully prepared chunks of pork swimming in their own sauce . I took the sauce of the shrimp , which had ginger in it , and drizzled it over my rice of which I ate everything . My ex tried very hard to eat all of his food , but didn 't manage it and had to ask to have most of it put in a doggie bag . He will have fun with that at lunchtime . I have had my fill of this kind of food for a while and don 't have to eat it again for a long time . I think it is something you have to get out of your system every now and then . I would not want to eat it regularly like some people do , because it is a form of gluttony and not very refined . It would be different if it were pure Indonesian food , but this had too many elements of Chinese foods in it that are adapted to Dutch tastes and is eaten for the sheer volume of it . I know that Chinese people at home do not eat like this . Posted by My ex and I have been eating new herring filets on freshly baked , crusty rolls with thinly sliced onions , and he bought so many of them that we had them two days in a row . After that , I felt that I had had my share of herring for this year and I don 't need to eat it again for a while , much as I enjoyed it . Personally , I am ready for some good , thick salmon moats and I have to try and talk the Exfactor into going to the open air market to buy some . Maybe if I promise to have him over for dinner when I fix them , he will agree to that . Tomorrow night , we are going out for Indonesian food , because my ex is in the mood for some Bami Goreng . That 's too ordinary for me and I am going to pick something completely different from the menu , although I have no idea what yet and am going to let myself be surprised by what is available . I feel like eating many vegetables drenched in some delicious sauce that is just a bit spicy over lots of rice , but I may eat something else depending on what 's on the menu and what mood I am in . I do want it to be more than any old experience . I was going to make my famous shrimp salad , the recipe of which I got from the mother of my ex , but I will not have the chance to fix it now . He does get the chance to eat it in the States because one of his nieces fixes it , although he says she does not get it quite right . It is a delicious salad that also has green chilies and olives and chopped onions in it , but it is a bit of a job to get all of the ingredients together and get the proportions just right and to find the right mayonnaise , otherwise it will not taste good . I overindulged in the chocolate my ex brought back from his two week trip , although I told myself I would be wise and eat a little every once in a while . But you know how it is , once you start eating it , you can hardly stop yourself and since I never have it in the apartment , I did go slightly crazy . I ate it in two sittings while my ex was out in the evening helping my brother in law with the final touches to the new house . NeedlessI will have to eat very healthy and sensibly after my ex is gone , because I am sure that I gained a couple of pounds . I will not go on the scale to find out how much , because that would be too discouraging . I will just have to be patient and watch my love handles disappear . That means no mayonnaise on my sandwiches , but good old organic , diet margarine . Posted by My ex had taken nearly 3 , 000 photographs on his two week trip through southern Europe and yesterday downloaded them to his laptop so they could be easily looked at . He was interested in choosing the ultimate best ones and matting and framing them and hanging them on his walls at home . Because , with my artsy background , he thought I would be a good judge of which would be the ones with that " wow factor , " he had me look at all of them and decide which ones I thought those would be . He had taken lots of good photographs , but not all of those had that " wow factor " that hit you in the guts the moment you saw them . Some of them were merely very good , but lots of people could have taken them . Some of them looked like they could have been placed in National Geographic , but that was not my criterium . I wanted the ones that were absolutely unique and I narrowed it down to about 30 photos that I thought had special qualities of which there were nine that blew me away . I had a lot of fun doing this , because I not only got to see his trip documented , but also use my talents , however limited those are , to make discriminate choices based on my instincts and knowledge . Whenever I started second guessing , I knew I was on the wrong track and dismissed the photo . Photographers have to take hundreds of pictures to get that one photo that is just right , so my ex did not do too badly . I told him he should take a photography class and increase his knowledge because about a lot of things he is still in the dark . He really and truly is an amateur and he would take many more better photos if he knew more . I am not claiming to be a better photographer . I just judge the outcome , and of course you can do that better when you have not taken the photos yourself . You look at them with an unprejudiced point of view . It was a Spanish restaurant , that I had never heard of , in a village not too far from here and the name of it was " La Barcaloneta . " The name alone promised something very good . It was famous for its tapas and that is what we had . It was recommended that we have the surprise of the evening , so we would not know ahead of time what was coming . After we ordered our drinks , the tapas , at a reasonable rate with short intervals , started appearing and I have to tell you that that they were indeed a surprise and exceptionally good . Anything that you can think of under the sun was imaginatively prepared and eaten with pleasure by us . We kept saying to each other : " Well , that has to be the end of it , " and then another dish would appear . We finally had to put an end to it because we were stuffed and then we were asked if we wanted dessert , and I said I did , and so the others agreed to that . Some time later , a huge plate arrived with a variety of desserts on it and we all dug in with our spoons . It was so heavenly , that we cleaned off that plate in the shortest amount of time and only decorum prevented us from asking for another one . You can also eat paella at this restaurant , but if you want to , you have to give them fair notice so they can fix the dish on time . It really is prepared simply and solely for you and your dinner party to eat . I think I would like to try that some day and I hope there will be a reason to some time soon . When we came home finally , after several hours of leisurely eating , my ex and I were both ready to go to sleep . I personally slept like a baby and my ex is still asleep now . I think I won 't have to eat breakfast and might be ready sometime later today to eat a small lunch . My stomach is very happy . Posted by On this sunny Sunday , I am doing the laundry that my American ex accumulated during his two week trip through southern Europe . After I separated the dark colors from the lighter colors and the whites , I had three loads , so the washing machine will be churning away for a while . Luckily , the weather is beautiful and I can dry everything outside on the clothing line . That means it will all smell very nice when it goes back into his suitcase . My ex , in the meantime , is helping my brother in law lay a laminated floor in the finished attic of the house that he and my sister will be moving into next weekend . The whole house had been renovated and the finishing touches will be applied this coming week . Everything turned out to be more expensive and take longer than was planned , but isn 't it always like that ? Renovating the house has been a stressful event and everybody will breathe a huge sigh of relief when it is done . Tyke and Gandhi were very happy when my ex returned yesterday evening and wanted his full attention immediately , which they got . It is amazing that my ex had the energy for that after he made the long train trip from Luzern in one day . It is nice to have him here again and to have someone to have long political conversations with because he is very well informed . Of course , he also had lots of stories to tell me about his trip and later today I am going to see all the photos he took that are stored on his laptop . He said that he really likes the southern west coast of Italy and that he wants to spend more time there next year when he plans to be here longer . My English speaking ability has improved dramatically and I no longer sound like I have a speech impediment . Sometimes I even have a Southern drawl . It 's nice when you can express yourself well in the other language too because it is so frustrating when you are grasping for the right word . I do sometimes literally translate and come up with funny stuff , but my ex has been around enough Europeans to get the point . I must now go and do the dishes and eat . Normal life does go on . Posted by I will be staying up a little later than usual , because I had the MRI scan done in Genk , in Belgium , earlier in the evening and didn 't get home until 8 o ' clock . I still had to eat something and have a cup of coffee in order to recuperate from the big adventure . All went as planned , but I won 't know the outcome until the 17th , because an earlier appointment I had with the orthopedic surgeon was changed to that date . My sister drove me to Genk and the GPS told us to take the freeway to get there , which was no fun and the long way around , it turned out later . When we left the parking lot of the hospital when we were done , we didn 't turn left from where we had come , but to the right where we saw a small sign that pointed to Maastricht . It turned out to be a shorter and much more picturesque route and we entered town on a side that we seldom see and which I had almost forgotten the existence of . It was interesting to drive through one of those good sized villages in Belgium where a lot of Dutch people live . They avoid paying large sums of real estate taxes and commute to work in the Netherlands . Their houses are big by Dutch standards and the property they stand on is bigger too . Some Dutch people are enamored with the Belgian schools that they put their kids in , and some of them think they 're too strict and old fashioned . And I don 't know how much social traffic there is between Belgian and Dutch neighbors . Maybe they all keep to themselves . I have been taking my shoes off when I am inside because my ankles have been bothering me and I think it is better if I am on my bare feet . I will have to make a habit out of that as much as possible and when it is too cold , wear socks . I don 't really know if this is a problem yet or just a temporary thing . Time will tell . I will now go to bed and sleep . It is late . What a nice thing to look forward to . Posted by One of the changes in my life is that I have stopped drinking completely . This drinking episode of mine only lasted for a short time when you realize that I lived for a long time without drinking hardly any alcohol , but I certainly was imbibing heavily and enjoying it a lot . I knew it couldn 't last , because it was not the healthy and sensible thing to do , and besides , it was an expensive habit and I really could not afford it . I saw my therapist and my psychiatrist yesterday and very honestly told them about what I was doing . It was the first time that I made my drinking behavior public , that I came out of the closet , sort to say . My psychiatrist told me that I was already psychologically dependent on alcohol and close to becoming physically dependent on it also . And of course , that it was a bad idea to drink in combination with the medicines I take . I made a follow up appointment with my therapist and I promised I would try to cut back , but when I came home , I decided to quit altogether , because it was really foolishness to continue drinking and artificially create the opportunity for my happy child to come out and play . I knew I could do that differently and that I was wise and smart enough to give another method a try . In the end , it has all been fairly easy and there is enough room for my sensible grown up and my happy child to live comfortably side by side . I really am not a basket case and have lots of things going for me . A little bit of positive psychology and some self awareness does wonders . I know I can count on myself and that I will not let myself down when it is necessary that something important needs to get done . The other change is that I have started cutting back on my tranquilizers and sleeping pills . I was supposed to be taking them temporarily only anyway . They were never meant for the long run . The sleeping pill doesn 't really help me sleep , so I may as well get off it . I have cut the dose down by half and when I get the okay from my psychiatrist , I will quit it completely . I have also reduced the dose of tranquilizers I take , and now only take the lowest one once every 12 hours . This is working out well , and as a matter of fact , the one in the morning makes me feel just a bit groggy and that will be the first one I stop taking next . I started this a few days ago and have no withdrawal problems as yet . I really can 't complain about my life . It is just fine and I guess I can consider myself lucky . Posted by I find that not one day is not like the other and that you can not predict what any day in your life is going to be like , although I used to think until quite recently that I had some control over that . But then I used to think that I had control over all kinds of things , and I have come to find out that this is not true at all . You can not predict what any day is going to look like , and as much as you would like to plan for it , it really can 't be done , because the day unfolds as it will and you have to be flexible enough to accept that and not take it personally . You can plan a few chores and hope you get one or two of them done , and you can go to an appointment that you had made , but the rest is completely up in the air . You can not predict any of it . None of what happens in the day is what you think you may have anticipated . No activity , or mood , or schedule will be like anything you thought it was going to be , so you may as well give up and stop trying to make plans the night before . Of course , it makes you feel a bit insecure if you don 't have a lot of these things planned ahead of time down to the very minute , but I tell you , it 's no use . You can 't predict your own reactions to the events that take place , or the nature of the events , nor the timing of them . You can 't even predict the way your animals are gong to behave , or if they are going to like their food that day or not , and how often you are going to have to walk your dog . Nothing at all is predictable , not even the tiniest of details , and every day is a brand new experience that has never taken place before and that has hardly any relationship to anything that has happened before . You can only draw on your past experiences up to a point . You have to learn almost everything all over again every day . This is teaching me not to make absolute statements and to not be so convinced of my own opinions and my own convictions . When I say something is so , I am proved wrong the next day and I realize that I should not have been so sure of myself . I know I come to this knowledge late , but I am a late bloomer and I am finding out a lot of things later in life . I may have known them before , but have forgotten all about them . I am starting my second or third life after all . Posted by I found out , although I already suspected it , that I can 't drink large quantities of orange juice or any kind of mixed fruit juice that is supposed to be healthy for you . I had already noticed in the past that if I drank it in the morning and also ate fruit , it did terrible things with my blood sugar levels and made me go out cold later in the day . Drinking it in combination with vodka was not a good idea at all , because it made me have terrible cravings for food and a badly hung over feeling in the morning that took me a while to get over and all the necessary treatment to . I now mix my vodka with something else and don 't really get as inebriated . As a matter of fact , I only get a bit of a buzz and relaxed enough to feel free to do the things that are enjoyable and enlightening . I feel much better when I wake up and can start the morning without feeling that I have to set my body and mind straight first with a lot of effort . And I am eating more normally too and don 't get those awful cravings that make me want to stuff my face when I drink . I am reading a book that I borrowed from my sister that is called " Breaking through patterns . " It is only available in Dutch and German and can be read by itself or be used along with a certain type of therapy that has borrowed elements from some other kinds , but mainly from cognitive therapy . Because I have had cognitive therapy in the past , the concepts in the book are not strange to me and I can perfectly understand them , but it is very good to , with a lot of care , read up on all of this again and reacquaint myself with the basic ideas and how I can apply them to myself . I am at a crossroads right now and I feel that some things have to change because I have been stagnating and refusing to acknowledge that certain things about me and my life need to be worked on . I have been hiding behind a very thick and tall wall , shouting that everything is just great . Quite a few events are taking place in my life right now that make it come about that I have to make changes . It is allIrene

I had my hair cut this morning and , although I didn 't have very much taken off , I think I am happy with it . I don 't go into shock when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror anyway . I think the girl who cut my hair was disappointed that she didn 't get to cut off more of it . She stood ready with the scissors and the comb to tackle the job . She was done very quickly , and as a result I only had to pay her very little money . It 's so nice when you get a financial break . I want to wash my hair with the silver shampoo , but then I have to be patient enough to let the suds stay in my hair for 5 minutes or so , and lately I have not felt like doing that . It is really a very small effort and I ought to do it today . I will like the color of my hair afterwards , but I really have to motivate myself to sit quietly and wait for those 5 minutes . I am having some coffee , because I was hitting a low in my energy level . I have been keeping myself busy with banking affairs and it was quite intricate work . As a rule , that 's just the kind of job that 's right up my alley and I enjoy doing it , even when I run into the odd frustration . I like to solve problems and am good at it . It doesn 't bother me as long as it is work that I do for myself and I understand what I am doing . I swear that coffee makes me sleepier instead of more alert , because now I am starting to yawn and that was not the purpose of drinking it . I may have to take a nap instead of washing my hair . I 've got to put a clean duvet cover on my bed to make the experience extra special . I want one that smells like the outdoors . I had a very pleasant domestic help here today who was able to carry on a decent conversation when we had a cup of coffee , and who also liked Tyke and Gandhi very much and the feelings were mutual . Since I am without a steady domestic help , I have had various different ones every week , but the one I had today can come back more often if she wants . She did the work at an easy pace and got everything done within the allotted time . The most important thing was that she did not make me feel nervous while she moved around the apartment . Although I have recovered from the surgery on my meniscus well , it does seem to have made some impact on me emotionally and for the last three afternoons , I have had to take a low dose of a tranquilizer so that I will be a bit more relaxed . I feel the edge of stress building up and it is not pleasant , but unproductive and bothersome . When the tranquilizer starts to work , I feel a lot of calm and peace of mind and I feel that I can be much more sensibly occupied . This afternoon , I visited my new bank account and have already memorized my new codes to get into it and use my bank card . I thought that might be a bit of a problem , but it turned out not to be . My brain is still capable of taking it in . It is fun to be in a new virtual environment and to find out how it works , and really , it is all quite logical . There is not much that can go wrong . I entered the information for the periodic payments that need to be made and it was a piece of cake . Anyone could have done it . I also looked at some of the projects the bank invests in and I must say that they please me very well . I also myself have the opportunity to invest with a low monthly starting amount , but I have to be financially a bit more comfortable before I do . I will try to in the near future . I think I did the right thing by going with this bank and I am pleased about my decision . I can 't believe how quickly the afternoon went by . It feels like I just not too long ago walked Tyke at noontime . It 's been such pleasant weather all dayIrene I have been given the okay by the orthopedic surgeon to start riding my bike again , providing I don 't ride it in too low a gear . I 'm not supposed to make it too difficult for my knee . Actually , I think riding a bike is a good exercise and I can 't wait to go to the grocery store on it . I have to buy some bread and that will make a good outing because my bike will not be loaded down with bags of groceries and there are no inclines to have to get up on . It has been a while since I have been to the hairdresser and it is time that I make an appointment . I waited a bit longer before I did because I wanted my hair to get to the proper length . I didn 't mind too much at first when it was cut so short , but decided later that it was more flattering if I let it grow longer a little bit . Now it is and all it needs is a little trim . I will call for an appointment today and try to get in as quickly as possible . I am still on three waiting lists for an apartment up north . I had taken myself off the short term lists because I was not ready to make the move yet , and recently I have taken myself off the lists for apartments with only one bedroom . I realized that I will always need a guest bedroom , what with people from overseas coming to stay . At the rate I am moving to the top of the lists , I am looking at a time frame of another half year and then I will really have to make a decision . A shortage of money is still a bit of a problem that I have not sorted out yet and I am willing to accept donations . I will not be going to my daughter in Houston for the holidays this year because she is making other plans . She did say that maybe it is possible that I come for Thanksgiving , but I would have to pay for my own plane ticket , which is impossible , of course . Needless to say , I will make different plans and maybe I will be moving at that time . In the end , you should always do what you think is right for you and make your own plan . If you try to calculate in what you think are the wishes of other people , you will end up in the wrong placIrene Yesterday for dinner , I totally overdosed on grilled cheese sandwiches . I could not get enough of them and ate them until I was practically bursting . I don 't know where this sudden passion for them came from , but I have always been fond of them , although I have never taken eating them to this extreme . I do have to say that it was a completely enjoyable experience and that I hardly regret it , except that it has made me very thirsty and that now I am drinking one tall glass of ice cold lemonade after the other . But , of course , that is very enjoyable too , because what could a nicer way to quench my thirst , except for ice cold milk , which I don 't have and which would upset my stomach . Yesterday , when my friends were here , they told me they wanted to give me the money to get Tyke 's fur trimmed , because they knew I didn 't have it and that it was necessary that it got done . I certainly thought that was a kind thing to offer to do and I didn 't turn them down . I can now call the dog salon in the morning and make an appointment . That is a great relief to me and it will be a relief to Tyke as well when he has been trimmed . I got the final papers in the mail for the change over to my new bank and everything should be finalized on the 6th of August when I will start using my new bank account . I always thought it was a major undertaking to change banks , but so far it hasn 't been too much of a problem . All the automatic deposits and withdrawals will be taken care of . I fell asleep on top of the duvet last night . I was too warm to get under it . It doesn 't cool off too much at night and feels like it does on a pleasant summer day . I haven 't had the need for my bathrobe when I get up in quite a while . Today I have to see the orthopedic surgeon and no doubt he will be happy with my progress , because I am walking around quite normally . But then again , that is about all I can do with my knee . I can 't play football yet . Posted by Much to my delight , it is cloudy today and cooler than it has been . I have all the windows open and the fan turned on , and now it really makes a difference and the animals are luxuriating in the coolness of the breeze . I stuck a book under the backside of the fan so that it is pointing a bit more downward and I think both Tyke and Gandhi appreciate that very much . It has cooled down so much that I had to cover my arms and shoulders with a lightweight summer jacket when I walked Tyke , although I do think I am exaggerating a little bit . I probably could have stood the temperature , but I like to be comfortable at all times . Three drops of rain fell on us when we were out there , but then nothing else happened , so it was a false alarm . I was up early this morning and used that opportunity to do my chores , of which there were several that I neglected to do yesterday for some reason . I think that yesterday I did not have my ducks in a row as well as I do today , but I have no idea why that was so . Oh yes , I do know . I took a tranquilizer earlier today because I felt the need for one , and now I feel amazingly calm and collected . Maybe I should do that more often . I will try it again tomorrow and see how much I like it and discuss this option with my psychiatrist . Unbeknown to me , I was possibly walking around with a bit more stress than I was aware of . It does make quite a bit of difference in the way I deal with the day and the things that take place in it . They are much easier to deal with . In a while , some friends of mine are going to come over for a visit . They are a couple I have known for ages . I was , of course , unable to go to the shop to buy something good to go with the coffee , but I was told they were on a diet anyway . So am I , so I guess that turns out to be a good thing all around . I would have liked a good excuse to have some little cakes with whipped cream , but it is not to be . I 'm afraid that the sun is starting to come out and that is not at all what I want . I 'll have to close the blinds before it becomes Irene I was trying to visit Facebook , but when I tried to load the page , things moved awfully slow to the point of an almost complete stand still . After some frustrating minutes , I decided that I must have cookies and other sorts of nastiness and I ran the CCleaner , which removed a bunch of junk . I also restarted the computer , and much to my relief , these two measures solved my problem and I could get on with what I wanted to do . The other benefit was , that I then could drink my cup of coffee in peace and quiet . The nice thing about today is that it is Saturday and that the rerun of one of my favorite TV programs will be on . Unfortunately , it is also the final episode , but I can 't miss it because I did last Wednesday night when I went to bed early . There are not many programs that I am hooked on and this is one of the few ones that gets close . It is called , " Holland Bakes " and is a wonderful amateur baking competition that makes me want to get into the kitchen and bake everything under the sun myself , but especially brownies . I had gained some weight while I was out of commission with my disabled knee , and also because I had eaten things that were not smart to eat , but I went on the bathroom scale a while ago and saw that the weight is already coming off again . I am not overly concerned about carrying some extra weight , but I don 't want it to get out of hand and have it get to the point of no return . I only have healthy food in the apartment now and no chance of indulging in all sorts of cravings . Of course , when my American ex was here I didn 't stick to a sensible way of eating either and indulged in many foods I normally would not have . The place where that spider bit me in the bottom of my foot is slow in healing and I still need to keep a Band - Aid on it . I suppose I should put that antibiotic ointment on it that I have . Maybe that will help heal it more quickly . Posted by It has not escaped my attention that recently there was a full moon , but contrary to my expectations , I did not react oddly to it , meaning I did not become a lunatic . I have thought in the past , when I was caught quite unawares , that I was affected by the full moon , but it must have been a coincidence that I was somewhat off kilter then . Maybe it is an old wife 's tale that people are , and the full moon has very little effect on people 's emotions . Maybe we only imagine that it does and we look for evidence that is not really there . Not having anything to do with the full moon at all , I looked at the cash register receipt of the supermarket and realized that I have to make the groceries last longer than a week . I do very optimistically stack my sandwiches with cheese and lunchmeat like I am a wealthy American and there is no end to the supply . That means that Dutch frugality has not gotten much of a hold of me yet . I do want to really taste something when I bite into my sandwich . I want it to be a rewarding experience and really make an impression on my taste buds . I try my sandwiches with mayonnaise , and mustard , and organic margarine , depending on my mood . The organic margarine comes close to tasting like butter and is very pleasant to eat in combination with the cheese and lunchmeat . Butter does not settle into my stomach well at all and I am surprised that I can eat the cheese , being lactose intolerant . I think I do suffer for it a bit , but not bad enough to stop eating it . I do need some amount of calcium . I stopped giving Tyke the pain medication for his hernia today , because I want to see how well he does without it . He seemed alright on his walk this morning , but I think I have to wait to see how he does the rest of the day . It may be a too optimistic try and he may still need it . I have got to make a sandwich now and watch some German television for my daily language lesson . It is working because I am learning new words every day . Posted by I would very much like for my daily life to get back to normal as quickly as possible , because I don 't like it when things are not like they usually are . It 's maybe ok for them to be discombobulated for a day , but after that my patience has worn out , and I want to pick up where I left off . I am glad to say , that my post - op knee is improving pretty much by the hour now and that I find myself capable of ding more all the time , albeit in little steps , but I am an optimist and see them as major improvements . I do have to take the pain medication , but I figure since I am allowed to , that is part of the equation . I had the bandage removed and my knee looked at yesterday , and much to my relief , it looked wonderful . There was no swelling , nor hemorrhage , and the tiny little cuts were already healing themselves . That was so much better than I had hoped for . I was told that I only had to use one crutch from that moment on , but when I got home , I found out that I got around much better using no crutches at all as long as I don 't make any unexpected moves . I haven 't ventured outside yet and won 't for a while . All the moving around I do is inside where I can sit down whenever I feel like it . I won 't be walking Tyke for a while yet , but I should be able to by next week and I am looking forward to that . Cabin fever is no good for anything . I was able to do some much needed household chores yesterday , and I was relieved about that , because things were starting to pile up . I am almost a happy camper , and I will be when I can go outside and especially when I can ride my bike again . That will be the ultimate test . Posted by I went to bed at an early time last night , but found I could not sleep because of the pain in my knee . This despite the fact that I had just taken a paracetamol . Apparently it was not strong enough , so I got up and took one of those heavy duty pills , even though I had been avoiding doing that . Eventually , it did the trick and I fell asleep , only to wake up two hours later because I had to go to the toilet , which was my own fault . I drank a tall glass of lemonade before I went to sleep because I was so thirsty . I had also been bit by a mosquito and the itching was keeping me awake , but now that I have scratched it enough , it has stopped bothering me . It is not like that time when I got bit by that spider and I knew about it for a long while . I 've still got a band aide over that spot . It was the second time in my life I got bit by a spider and I still have a scar from the first time . That one happened in Boston , but I don 't know what kind of spider that was . It could have been a black widow . I keep almost tripping over the animals , who insist on following me wherever I go , and normally this would not be a problem , but I think if I were to trip now , I would be in big trouble . I don 't know what magic they think I am going to perform when I go somewhere in the apartment , but apparently they expect something from me . I think that since I have put them on a dry kibble diet , they still hope there will be something from a can . It 's not as if the dry kibbles are not the best there are . They are both seated at my feet now , looking at me expectantly . I suppose I will have to get up and see what it is that they want and I will have to pull a monkey out of my sleeve . It will be something that is impossible for me to deliver anyway . I am terribly hungry because I forgot to eat that sandwich before I went to bed last night and now my stomach is growling . I am having visions of food served buffet style on a long table from which I could take whatever I want , although I think my eyes would be bigger than my stomach . I will get oveIrene I think yesterday , when I stated so bravely how well I was doing after my surgery , I must have been under the influence still of the general anesthetic . I thought I was still doing pretty good this morning , but now , at the end of the day , I really feel the pain in my knee , this despite the fact that I have been taking the paracetamol every 4 hours . I suddenly , or rather , little by little , don 't feel all that great anymore and I am glad that I am going to the clinic tomorrow morning to have that huge bandage removed and have my knee looked at . To tell you the truth , I am going to be a bit scared to look at it myself . It was another hot day today , but just now clouds moved in and in the distance there was some thunder . It is supposed to rain tomorrow and be a bit cooler and I , for one , can 't wait for it to be . The fan has been blowing cooler air through the living room all day and I had the front windows and blinds closed most of the time to keep it cool in here and that seems to have worked . Tyke discovered the benefit of the fan and has been lying down in the cool breeze of it most of the day . A while ago I finally opened the kitchen window because it was cool enough to . I am getting cabin fever already , this despite the fact that moving around is uncomfortable and the pain reminds me that I really can 't do anything . I am bound to the sofa and the computer and to the latter for small periods of time . I appreciate the fact that the Exfactor is walking Tyke now that it is so hot outside , but I 'd love to be able to do more myself . The apartment is getting a little bit messier because I don 't clean up after myself as well . I can 't be bothered to undo the messes I make . Any time I spend on my feet is too much . Because this is so exhausting , I can 't wait to go to sleep tonight . I have hardly ever wanted to go to bed as much , at least not recently . It is too hot to sleep with the duvet on until it becomes morning and then I need it for a little while . Tyke seems to think that it is coolest underneath my bed and that is Irene I 've had the surgery on my knee , and I think because I went into it with a positive attitude , I came through the whole process well and am now doing pretty good also . I am able to control whatever pain I have with just paracetamol and don 't have to take the more heavy duty pills that I also have . I think that is much more preferable . I was only in the operation room for 25 minutes , which I think is the standard time for a surgery like mine . I was awake from the anesthetic very quickly and ready to go home in no time at all . I had a cup of coffee and went to the toilet and got dressed and waited a little while for my sister to come and pick me up . I am home in my own apartment and happy for it and Tyke is with me . The Exfactor comes over to walk him 3 times a day and can check on me at the same time . My sister checks on me constantly and I can call her no matter what time of day or night it is . I am able to get around on crutches real well and if I have to get something to drink , I manage on one crutch . I am not nearly as impaired as I thought I was going to be . The weather was very hot yesterday and I had a bit of a hard time keeping it cool inside . Luckily , I did have the fan that helped some and Tyke and I both found relief with it . I am going to have to keep the windows on the side of the apartment that gets all the sun closed , because too much hot air comes inside . I 'll have to drape something in front of the kitchen window . So you see , as surgeries go , this was not such a bad one . Posted by Earlier in the week , I sent away for some literature from the Rheumatism Fund , and it arrived in the mail yesterday . Today I have to sit down and read it thoroughly and apply whatever good tips are in it to myself . One of the booklets I got is how to move best in your daily life when you have osteoarthritis . Because I have a bad shoulder , I avoid doing anything too painful with it , but I know you should not stop from using it altogether because you have to keep those muscles strong . A bad shoulder is one more thing my sister and I have in common and it causes us the same problems down our arms and in our elbows and hands . . In this way we exchange information and helpful knowledge . My sister is at the moment getting physical therapy twice a week for her shoulder , but because I don 't have that in my insurance package , I am going to have to work it out on my own , which I think I will be able to do with the help from the literature I got . It really is true that your body becomes more decrepit the older you get and that is reason to take very good care of it and to find out about whatever is not working right as much as possible . It certainly is not my intention to become victim to my ailments . I do not like not being able to do whatever I intent to do , or to be dependent on other people . I am very appreciative of the fact that I have a domestic help who does all the big household chores , but at least our relationship is clear and her job is well defined . I have decided not to stay with my sister after I have had the surgery to my knee , but to go home instead . Tyke will be with the Exfactor , so I will not have to take care of him . I will like being home better in my own surroundings and I should only be slightly handicapped for a day or so . I will be on crutches and be able to get around that way if necessary . I do not like being in other people 's houses for extended periods of time , especially not if I am in some way impaired . Besides , I would only be able to sleep on their sofa , because the bedrooms are upstairs andIrene Today I supervised my sister while she worked in the garden of the house she and my brother in law just moved into . It has many neglected , overgrown bushes and trees that need to be trimmed and sawed and chopped and whatever else can be done to them . In the process of removing some of this neglected greenery , other beautiful things came to light as big surprises . Ferns that were very mature and also full grown hydrangeas in bloom . That garden has not been taken care of for decades and I know my sister has been eager to start making it look a bit more decent . There is lots of work left to be done and she is going to need all sorts of help to finish it . Some of the trees are very big and crowded together and it 's going to take a lot of muscle power to trim them or to even take them out . Because of my bad shoulder , I did not even attempt to help her , knowing the damage that I could do by trying to saw or chop anything . I did feel very tempted because the job looked like a lot of fun and it was very obvious that my sister was enjoying herself . We both should have been gardeners . Today , more than any time , it was clear how much alike we are and watching her at work was like watching myself . She went about the job in exactly the same way I would have done and had the same ideas at the same moments . Having said that , I don 't think we should ever try to do the same job at the same time , but I think one of us should always be the supervisor and the other one the laborer . I , being the oldest one , should always have the former job . My brother in law was busy building a section of fence and a gate on the side of the house so their dog would not be able to escape , although he is a very good dog and really makes no attempt to . He wants to stick close to the people he belongs to and see what sort of interesting things they are doing . He knows me well and we go through an extensive greeting ritual when he sees me , just like Tyke does when I come home . Speaking of Tyke ; I have to go walk him and then we both have to eat dinner . I am very tired from all that supervising and will go to sleep early tonight . Posted by There 's no doubt that when you write a post about ordinary , every day things , that lack a certain amount of excitement , your stats drop . With this I make the confession that I check my stats every day and am always pleased when they peak . I do look to see what subject I posted about that made this happen and try for a repeat performance , but I am not always able to pull it off . Sometimes I have to write about something very dull , because that is what my day looked like . Right now , I 've got one heck of a pain in my knee and I am glad that I will be operated on on Monday and that in a short time after that I should be without pain . Now it always feels like I have been kicked there during a football match and not only that , I am constantly in danger of placing it in the wrong position and having it lock up again . I will very heroically ignore the pain and try to concentrate on something completely different . When I was a kid , my father installed heating systems in existing houses and always had to get in the shallow crawl spaces of them . This is where all of the copper pipes had to go that led from one room to the other . Because of this work in , very often , damp and cold circumstances , he developed a bad knee that used to bother him something awful . Because this bad knee was considered a hazard of the job , my father made a copper band that fit around his knee in the believe that was popular then , that the copper had healing qualities . I don 't think that he even saw a doctor for his problem , or that a doctor could have done much for him , except to tell him to stop doing that kind of work , which was impossible . My father had not been educated to do anything else . I do now wonder what was wrong with his knee and if something could have been done about it . No doubt if he had lived in these modern times , something would have . People did not very quickly go to the doctor back then , but relied on home remedies that did or did not help them . There were , of course , a lot of old wife 's tales that would not hold up in court toIrene I am managing to get a lot of things done these last couple of days , and that is a good thing , because I turned out to have to make all sorts of last minute arrangements . This came at the same time that I had some other commitments , so the last few days in my agenda have been filled up with notes and reminders . I keep thinking now that I am forgetting something , and I am sure I am , and that it will come back to me when I can 't do anything about it . My mind is not always as sharp as I 'd like it to be and sometimes crucial " to do items " slip through the cracks . Since they are not matters of life or death , I will not worry about them too much and figure that , in the end , everything will land on its feet . I am in the process of changing banks and it isn 't as simple as it sounds , although my new bank has a way of making it as easy as possible . I 've still got to keep my wits about me and make sure I transfer my money from one account to the other at the right time . I 've got a booklet with a step by step description of how to go about it , so anyone can do it , but I am not just anyone and mistakes can be made . The bank I chose is a bank that invests in environmentally and socially and economically responsible projects and I thought it was about time that I got away from the big mega banks that have all the wrong kind of super power and gave this bank a chance . I had given it a lot of thought and made the decision when I saw another commercial of them on television and became convinced that I should do this . Tyke is doing a lot better and walking much more easily . I can tell that he still has some pain , but I think the medication that I gave him this morning does help him . He is more alert and I am also happy to say that he likes his new food and eats it without making a fuss . I thought he would complain about it because it 's a special food that is very low in calories . Apparently it is also very tasty . I am glad to see that some clouds have drifted into the sky and are blocking the sun . It will be a bit cooler when I takIrene I took Tyke to the vet this afternoon after I had taken care of numerous other things . I was worried about getting him over there even though the vet is just two streets over from here . Tyke had been so reluctant to walk that I thought we might not make it over there , but when the time came , he did slowly but surely manage to get there . It just took a while . The vet thoroughly examined him and it turned out that Tyke has a hernia in his lower back that also affects his hind legs and makes it painful for him to move . That is why he was basically just lying around in one place and not going anywhere . It is also why he lost all interest in his food and seemed so depressed . The vet said that this problem was often seen in dogs that had short legs and dogs that were overweight , which are two conditions that Tyke has . Since his chemical castration he has gained quite some weight and I did not take that into consideration when I fed him . I was basically just spoiling him and not being as strict with him when it came to healthy eating habits as it came to myself . The vet gave him an injection for the pain and gave me medication that I will start giving him tomorrow . The most important thing is that Tyke has to lose weight and he gave me a bag of food that Tyke has to eat from now on and nothing else . There will be no more in between treats and whatever he leaves in the bowl after he has eaten , I have to put back in the bag of food . There will be no more grazing . From being almost unable to move , Tyke improved quite a bit and I was able to take him for almost a normal walk in the evening . I think that injection for the pain helped him a lot . He finally ate and drank some water and started showing more interest in his surroundings . Just now he even managed to get on the sofa and look out the window and I was surprised that he did . I still don 't know how he got up there . I had been very worried about him and could not figure out what was wrong with him and imagined all sorts of ailments . Now I am glad that it is just a hernIrene The MRI scan of my knee was made at least a week and a half ago , and yesterday morning I finally had my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to find out the results . I was all prepared for him to tell me that I had osteoarthritis and that I would have to learn to live with it , and had put anything else that could be wrong pretty much out of my mind . Actually , for the past weeks I had not given it that much thought except for the nagging pain that I kept having , but that had become part of my daily routine too . Imagine my surprise when he told me that I had a torn meniscus and that I would have to have surgery right away . It took a minute or two for that to penetrate my thick skull because I was not prepared to hear it and at first I tried to get out of the surgery . He quickly set me straight by explaining the procedure and the fact that it was necessary , and then the penny fell into place and I realized I was being illogical . The procedure itself is fairly simple and only takes half an hour , but I am getting a general anesthetic . Still , I will only be in the clinic for a couple of hours until it has worn off . My knee will be wrapped in a huge bandage for comfort , and when I have had something to drink , and visited the toilet , I will be able to leave and I will do so on crutches . My sister is going to take care of me the first days until I am able to walk again and that should not take too long . I 've got exercises that I have to do six times a day that will help me recover quicker . My sister has had the same kind of surgery on both knees and is very familiar with the whole process . So , that is what I will be doing this coming Monday . The Exfactor will take care of Tyke , but chance would have it that I think Tyke is sick and I am going to take him to the vet today . All he does is sleep , and when he does not sleep , he just sits and stares into the distance . He does not want to go for walks and shows very little interest in anything . You would almost think he was depressed . I do worry about him . Posted by Because I am able to sit down at the table and eat a meal of normal proportions now , it dawned on me that I can actually start asking people over for dinner and enjoy the food myself also . For this reason , I have gotten out the well worn 25 year old edition of my Betty Crocker cookbook and very eagerly started looking up recipes . This turned out to be a lot of fun and I ended up reading recipes of all sorts of categories and was re - educated in the process . It teaches you the most basic ones , like the recipes for baking all sorts of biscuits and cornbread . When I do have people over for a meal , I want to fix real American food to surprise their Dutch palates with . Every meal that I plan to prepare , I am going to try out on the Exfactor first . I think his taste buds are discriminate enough to tell me if it 's a good enough one . He likes to cook himself and does fix all sorts of things and is not afraid to try something new . I think I know what I am going to prepare for the first meal , but I also realize that my kitchen is not yet equipped very well , so I am going to have to do something about that little by little . The first thing I will have to get is a good muffin pan and after that I will have to get a good rectangular glass baking dish , but that will be for the second meal . My ambition for the first meal is to fix shrimp jambalaya , and let me tell you : I will be the one who enjoys eating that the most . I love any sort of rice dish and I do like something spicy with shrimp in it . I think preparing a good meal at home is the next best thing to going out to a very decent restaurant . If you want food that really tastes good and is prepared well , you have to pay a price for it and you may as well save yourself some money and buy the ingredients and fix that meal at home . That does not mean that I don 't enjoy going out to a restaurant and enjoying the ambiance and having someone else cook for me . It just isn 't going to happen very often . The last few days , this thought has been keeping me busy : does what I want to do , or think I ought to do , make me happy or do me harm , and if not , does it make anyone else happy or do anyone else harm ? If it does not do any of these things , then it absolutely makes no difference and it is probably not important if it 's done or not . If it makes me or anyone else happy , then it is very important and it gets done , and if it harms anyone , well , that speaks for itself . I find it a good rule to live by and it takes care of any guilt feelings I may have about what I think I am supposed to do by society 's standards . These standards don 't even come into play , they being the ones about what the neighbors will say if you exhibit a certain kind of behavior . I don 't want to pay any attention to them . I seem to be going through a massive growing spurt emotionally , and one I thought was not possible at my age . This comes after a period of stagnation when I thought everything was static and there was even some backward motion . Lots of people are turning out to be teachers , whether or not this is their intention . It is because several events are taking place at roughly the same time , which is something that always seems to happen in life . Luckily , the nice thing about being older , is that I have the knowledge to learn from these experiences and use the lessons I learn to my advantage . I don 't ignore anything I hear or see or feel , and try to draw something good out of it that I get wiser from . That makes me sound awfully assured , but let me tell you that I am not that much in reality . I theory I know a lot and I can reason myself into being brave , but I have lots of periods of insecurity when I am not all that sure of myself . Especially in the morning I do have to gather my courage about me . I find that I am braver when I am surrounded by other people and less brave when I am confronted with just myself . It 's because I see myself reflected off other people and realize that I am not such an odd person , and if I do differ , I see thIrene I always try to learn at least one lesson from every experience that I live through and having had my American ex here to stay is no exception to the rule . I have lived alone now for at least 5 years and in that time I have learned to become an independent and autonomous human being who can take care of herself . By nature I am an optimist and I always try to see the positive side of life . I thought I was managing fairly well , although I realized there were some things that I could not cope with and I did have to use certain guidelines to live my life by in order to maintain my mental health as much as possible . Circumstances could not get too exciting , otherwise I could not cope . All that time I maintained that living alone was good for me and that I functioned better as an autonomous person who made up her own mind about what happened in her life and was not dependent on anyone else . I tried to ignore the feelings of discomfort and panic I often felt and that I spent much time and energy shoving into the background . All of that changed while my ex was here . Suddenly I was not a person on my own anymore , but temporarily part of a unit and my whole body and soul relaxed . I did no longer feel that it was just me against the world , but felt more secure and like I had a safety net to catch me in case something bad would happen . I became much more certain about myself in an all around way . That sense of security disappeared almost right away when my ex went back to the States . I felt the sense of panic and fear enter my body again and pain returned to my neck and shoulders . I have to admit that I function less well on my own than I pretend I do and I have to own up to the fear and panic that I feel every day in order to deal with it . Owning up to those feelings gives me a sense of relief , although I do not have a solution for how to get over them . I am not going to bother finding it right now , but just feel what I feel and not pretend that I am not scared to death . Whenever I start acting like I am super brave again and there is nothing wrong , I remember to own up to my true feelings and I feel a weight fall off my shoulders . It 's time for my ex to go home , because every day he comes back to the apartment from his daily outing with decadent foods that he has bought at the store on his way back from downtown . There is always something he has bought with me in mind and that is full of calories and that he knows I can 't resist . Of course I should have the willpower to , but I do appreciate the gesture and don 't want to make him feel bad by saying that he ought not to do this . I also know that this is just a temporary circumstance and that I am going back to my normal diet within the shortest amount of time . He is actually leaving on Friday and I will have my space back to myself . I do feel good about that , because I do appreciate some amount of solitude and being able to live my life on my own particular schedule . He has been an excellent guest , however , and has been great company , and I couldn 't have asked for a better . He will be back next year for a longer period of time , but I will have to set some rules about the food that gets brought into the apartment . There is not to be this cornucopia of everything that tastes good but is bad for you . Last night we went out for Chinese / Indonesian food at the restaurant that is within walking distance of the apartment . I wanted to have a very leisurely meal , because I knew that there was always more food served than you could eat and it was better if you took your time and savored the dishes that are kept warm on a hot plate . I tried to explain this to my ex , but he very enthusiastically ordered a number of items from the menu , which I knew would be too much to eat , and when the first of them appeared on the table , he dug in with much gusto . I had ordered a little more carefully , which turned out to be a good thing . I was able to eat most of my meal , which consisted of Indonesian rice , big deep fried shrimp in a delicious sauce , and wonderfully prepared chunks of pork swimming in their own sauce . I took the sauce of the shrimp , which had ginger in it , and drizzled it over my rice of which I ate everything . My ex tried very hard to eat all of his food , but didn 't manage it and had to ask to have most of it put in a doggie bag . He will have fun with that at lunchtime . I have had my fill of this kind of food for a while and don 't have to eat it again for a long time . I think it is something you have to get out of your system every now and then . I would not want to eat it regularly like some people do , because it is a form of gluttony and not very refined . It would be different if it were pure Indonesian food , but this had too many elements of Chinese foods in it that are adapted to Dutch tastes and is eaten for the sheer volume of it . I know that Chinese people at home do not eat like this . Posted by My ex and I have been eating new herring filets on freshly baked , crusty rolls with thinly sliced onions , and he bought so many of them that we had them two days in a row . After that , I felt that I had had my share of herring for this year and I don 't need to eat it again for a while , much as I enjoyed it . Personally , I am ready for some good , thick salmon moats and I have to try and talk the Exfactor into going to the open air market to buy some . Maybe if I promise to have him over for dinner when I fix them , he will agree to that . Tomorrow night , we are going out for Indonesian food , because my ex is in the mood for some Bami Goreng . That 's too ordinary for me and I am going to pick something completely different from the menu , although I have no idea what yet and am going to let myself be surprised by what is available . I feel like eating many vegetables drenched in some delicious sauce that is just a bit spicy over lots of rice , but I may eat something else depending on what 's on the menu and what mood I am in . I do want it to be more than any old experience . I was going to make my famous shrimp salad , the recipe of which I got from the mother of my ex , but I will not have the chance to fix it now . He does get the chance to eat it in the States because one of his nieces fixes it , although he says she does not get it quite right . It is a delicious salad that also has green chilies and olives and chopped onions in it , but it is a bit of a job to get all of the ingredients together and get the proportions just right and to find the right mayonnaise , otherwise it will not taste good . I overindulged in the chocolate my ex brought back from his two week trip , although I told myself I would be wise and eat a little every once in a while . But you know how it is , once you start eating it , you can hardly stop yourself and since I never have it in the apartment , I did go slightly crazy . I ate it in two sittings while my ex was out in the evening helping my brother in law with the final touches to the new house . NeedlessI will have to eat very healthy and sensibly after my ex is gone , because I am sure that I gained a couple of pounds . I will not go on the scale to find out how much , because that would be too discouraging . I will just have to be patient and watch my love handles disappear . That means no mayonnaise on my sandwiches , but good old organic , diet margarine . Posted by My ex had taken nearly 3 , 000 photographs on his two week trip through southern Europe and yesterday downloaded them to his laptop so they could be easily looked at . He was interested in choosing the ultimate best ones and matting and framing them and hanging them on his walls at home . Because , with my artsy background , he thought I would be a good judge of which would be the ones with that " wow factor , " he had me look at all of them and decide which ones I thought those would be . He had taken lots of good photographs , but not all of those had that " wow factor " that hit you in the guts the moment you saw them . Some of them were merely very good , but lots of people could have taken them . Some of them looked like they could have been placed in National Geographic , but that was not my criterium . I wanted the ones that were absolutely unique and I narrowed it down to about 30 photos that I thought had special qualities of which there were nine that blew me away . I had a lot of fun doing this , because I not only got to see his trip documented , but also use my talents , however limited those are , to make discriminate choices based on my instincts and knowledge . Whenever I started second guessing , I knew I was on the wrong track and dismissed the photo . Photographers have to take hundreds of pictures to get that one photo that is just right , so my ex did not do too badly . I told him he should take a photography class and increase his knowledge because about a lot of things he is still in the dark . He really and truly is an amateur and he would take many more better photos if he knew more . I am not claiming to be a better photographer . I just judge the outcome , and of course you can do that better when you have not taken the photos yourself . You look at them with an unprejudiced point of view . It was a Spanish restaurant , that I had never heard of , in a village not too far from here and the name of it was " La Barcaloneta . " The name alone promised something very good . It was famous for its tapas and that is what we had . It was recommended that we have the surprise of the evening , so we would not know ahead of time what was coming . After we ordered our drinks , the tapas , at a reasonable rate with short intervals , started appearing and I have to tell you that that they were indeed a surprise and exceptionally good . Anything that you can think of under the sun was imaginatively prepared and eaten with pleasure by us . We kept saying to each other : " Well , that has to be the end of it , " and then another dish would appear . We finally had to put an end to it because we were stuffed and then we were asked if we wanted dessert , and I said I did , and so the others agreed to that . Some time later , a huge plate arrived with a variety of desserts on it and we all dug in with our spoons . It was so heavenly , that we cleaned off that plate in the shortest amount of time and only decorum prevented us from asking for another one . You can also eat paella at this restaurant , but if you want to , you have to give them fair notice so they can fix the dish on time . It really is prepared simply and solely for you and your dinner party to eat . I think I would like to try that some day and I hope there will be a reason to some time soon . When we came home finally , after several hours of leisurely eating , my ex and I were both ready to go to sleep . I personally slept like a baby and my ex is still asleep now . I think I won 't have to eat breakfast and might be ready sometime later today to eat a small lunch . My stomach is very happy . Posted by On this sunny Sunday , I am doing the laundry that my American ex accumulated during his two week trip through southern Europe . After I separated the dark colors from the lighter colors and the whites , I had three loads , so the washing machine will be churning away for a while . Luckily , the weather is beautiful and I can dry everything outside on the clothing line . That means it will all smell very nice when it goes back into his suitcase . My ex , in the meantime , is helping my brother in law lay a laminated floor in the finished attic of the house that he and my sister will be moving into next weekend . The whole house had been renovated and the finishing touches will be applied this coming week . Everything turned out to be more expensive and take longer than was planned , but isn 't it always like that ? Renovating the house has been a stressful event and everybody will breathe a huge sigh of relief when it is done . Tyke and Gandhi were very happy when my ex returned yesterday evening and wanted his full attention immediately , which they got . It is amazing that my ex had the energy for that after he made the long train trip from Luzern in one day . It is nice to have him here again and to have someone to have long political conversations with because he is very well informed . Of course , he also had lots of stories to tell me about his trip and later today I am going to see all the photos he took that are stored on his laptop . He said that he really likes the southern west coast of Italy and that he wants to spend more time there next year when he plans to be here longer . My English speaking ability has improved dramatically and I no longer sound like I have a speech impediment . Sometimes I even have a Southern drawl . It 's nice when you can express yourself well in the other language too because it is so frustrating when you are grasping for the right word . I do sometimes literally translate and come up with funny stuff , but my ex has been around enough Europeans to get the point . I must now go and do the dishes and eat . Normal life does go on . Posted by I will be staying up a little later than usual , because I had the MRI scan done in Genk , in Belgium , earlier in the evening and didn 't get home until 8 o ' clock . I still had to eat something and have a cup of coffee in order to recuperate from the big adventure . All went as planned , but I won 't know the outcome until the 17th , because an earlier appointment I had with the orthopedic surgeon was changed to that date . My sister drove me to Genk and the GPS told us to take the freeway to get there , which was no fun and the long way around , it turned out later . When we left the parking lot of the hospital when we were done , we didn 't turn left from where we had come , but to the right where we saw a small sign that pointed to Maastricht . It turned out to be a shorter and much more picturesque route and we entered town on a side that we seldom see and which I had almost forgotten the existence of . It was interesting to drive through one of those good sized villages in Belgium where a lot of Dutch people live . They avoid paying large sums of real estate taxes and commute to work in the Netherlands . Their houses are big by Dutch standards and the property they stand on is bigger too . Some Dutch people are enamored with the Belgian schools that they put their kids in , and some of them think they 're too strict and old fashioned . And I don 't know how much social traffic there is between Belgian and Dutch neighbors . Maybe they all keep to themselves . I have been taking my shoes off when I am inside because my ankles have been bothering me and I think it is better if I am on my bare feet . I will have to make a habit out of that as much as possible and when it is too cold , wear socks . I don 't really know if this is a problem yet or just a temporary thing . Time will tell . I will now go to bed and sleep . It is late . What a nice thing to look forward to . Posted by One of the changes in my life is that I have stopped drinking completely . This drinking episode of mine only lasted for a short time when you realize that I lived for a long time without drinking hardly any alcohol , but I certainly was imbibing heavily and enjoying it a lot . I knew it couldn 't last , because it was not the healthy and sensible thing to do , and besides , it was an expensive habit and I really could not afford it . I saw my therapist and my psychiatrist yesterday and very honestly told them about what I was doing . It was the first time that I made my drinking behavior public , that I came out of the closet , sort to say . My psychiatrist told me that I was already psychologically dependent on alcohol and close to becoming physically dependent on it also . And of course , that it was a bad idea to drink in combination with the medicines I take . I made a follow up appointment with my therapist and I promised I would try to cut back , but when I came home , I decided to quit altogether , because it was really foolishness to continue drinking and artificially create the opportunity for my happy child to come out and play . I knew I could do that differently and that I was wise and smart enough to give another method a try . In the end , it has all been fairly easy and there is enough room for my sensible grown up and my happy child to live comfortably side by side . I really am not a basket case and have lots of things going for me . A little bit of positive psychology and some self awareness does wonders . I know I can count on myself and that I will not let myself down when it is necessary that something important needs to get done . The other change is that I have started cutting back on my tranquilizers and sleeping pills . I was supposed to be taking them temporarily only anyway . They were never meant for the long run . The sleeping pill doesn 't really help me sleep , so I may as well get off it . I have cut the dose down by half and when I get the okay from my psychiatrist , I will quit it completely . I have also reduced the dose of tranquilizers I take , and now only take the lowest one once every 12 hours . This is working out well , and as a matter of fact , the one in the morning makes me feel just a bit groggy and that will be the first one I stop taking next . I started this a few days ago and have no withdrawal problems as yet . I really can 't complain about my life . It is just fine and I guess I can consider myself lucky . Posted by I find that not one day is not like the other and that you can not predict what any day in your life is going to be like , although I used to think until quite recently that I had some control over that . But then I used to think that I had control over all kinds of things , and I have come to find out that this is not true at all . You can not predict what any day is going to look like , and as much as you would like to plan for it , it really can 't be done , because the day unfolds as it will and you have to be flexible enough to accept that and not take it personally . You can plan a few chores and hope you get one or two of them done , and you can go to an appointment that you had made , but the rest is completely up in the air . You can not predict any of it . None of what happens in the day is what you think you may have anticipated . No activity , or mood , or schedule will be like anything you thought it was going to be , so you may as well give up and stop trying to make plans the night before . Of course , it makes you feel a bit insecure if you don 't have a lot of these things planned ahead of time down to the very minute , but I tell you , it 's no use . You can 't predict your own reactions to the events that take place , or the nature of the events , nor the timing of them . You can 't even predict the way your animals are gong to behave , or if they are going to like their food that day or not , and how often you are going to have to walk your dog . Nothing at all is predictable , not even the tiniest of details , and every day is a brand new experience that has never taken place before and that has hardly any relationship to anything that has happened before . You can only draw on your past experiences up to a point . You have to learn almost everything all over again every day . This is teaching me not to make absolute statements and to not be so convinced of my own opinions and my own convictions . When I say something is so , I am proved wrong the next day and I realize that I should not have been so sure of myself . I know I come to this knowledge late , but I am a late bloomer and I am finding out a lot of things later in life . I may have known them before , but have forgotten all about them . I am starting my second or third life after all . Posted by I found out , although I already suspected it , that I can 't drink large quantities of orange juice or any kind of mixed fruit juice that is supposed to be healthy for you . I had already noticed in the past that if I drank it in the morning and also ate fruit , it did terrible things with my blood sugar levels and made me go out cold later in the day . Drinking it in combination with vodka was not a good idea at all , because it made me have terrible cravings for food and a badly hung over feeling in the morning that took me a while to get over and all the necessary treatment to . I now mix my vodka with something else and don 't really get as inebriated . As a matter of fact , I only get a bit of a buzz and relaxed enough to feel free to do the things that are enjoyable and enlightening . I feel much better when I wake up and can start the morning without feeling that I have to set my body and mind straight first with a lot of effort . And I am eating more normally too and don 't get those awful cravings that make me want to stuff my face when I drink . I am reading a book that I borrowed from my sister that is called " Breaking through patterns . " It is only available in Dutch and German and can be read by itself or be used along with a certain type of therapy that has borrowed elements from some other kinds , but mainly from cognitive therapy . Because I have had cognitive therapy in the past , the concepts in the book are not strange to me and I can perfectly understand them , but it is very good to , with a lot of care , read up on all of this again and reacquaint myself with the basic ideas and how I can apply them to myself . I am at a crossroads right now and I feel that some things have to change because I have been stagnating and refusing to acknowledge that certain things about me and my life need to be worked on . I have been hiding behind a very thick and tall wall , shouting that everything is just great . Quite a few events are taking place in my life right now that make it come about that I have to make changes . It is allIrene

First , a quick introduction to this story . I originally wrote this story in 1998 during my time as a college student . It was a very different story than what you 're about to read . It was darker . It had a sadder ending . It certainly didn 't have the epilogue that it has now . The reasons for this were that it was a story I wrote by hand on a notebook late one night . I wrote the story at a time when I was very lonely . I didn 't have any prospects of a romantic relationship , and school was keeping me away from my friends . One night , when I couldn 't sleep , I put pen to paper and got to writing this story . It was only a few pages long , and then it grew from there . I revisited the story every couple of years after that , adding and deleting to it . I did most of the editing based on what was going on in my life . So you 'll see a little bit of that as you read it . By the way , this latest draft was written in late 2006 , months after I met the wonderful woman who would become my wife . I haven 't really felt the need to update it since . I hope you enjoy reading it a tenth of the amount I enjoyed in writing it . It was still dark outside , and the darkness matched perfectly with the cold desert air . The long winter night was far from over . And there was a very long day coming . The automatic doors to the Surgical Suite opened up to allow a nurse and an orderly to take Octavio into the holding area . It was there that they would do the final checks before taking him in for surgery . Octavio was unconscious . Cecilia , Octavio 's wife , followed her husband to the doors , where another nurse stopped her . Cecilia could not go any further because it was a " clean " room . The nurse directed her to the waiting area , a room down the hall where the low voice of a television anchorman could be heard . It was a cold , white room with a few chairs on the back wall and two sofas , back to back , in the middle of the room . The television was tuned into the local , early - morning news . The surgery would take several hours , Cecilia was told . For her , however , the last couple of hours had already been an eternity . Whatever the outcome , she wanted it all to be over soon … As soon as possible . The thoughts of the pain Octavio showed in his face as he clenched his chest and held his breath were enough to make Cecilia want to be in his place . I would take all that for him , she thought . And she would have . Cecilia decided to sit on one of the chairs in the back of the room . She sat there , holding her over - sized purse across her lap . The purse seemed over - sized in comparison to Cecilia 's body . Her frame was small to begin with , and the years had made her shorter and frailer . She sat very still , looking straight ahead into space . A thousand thoughts raced through her head , but not one made any sense . She thought about it all , Octavio , their past together , their future , if any . The news of the city , of the world , the politics and the science of it all did not matter to her . All she could think about was the Octavio , her husband of so many years . How many years had they been together ? What would happen to him ? Will he survive ? Would I see him alive again ? Cecilia could not keep her mind from asking too many questions . The rough weather forecasted on the news also did not matter . It was all about her loving husband at that moment . Cecilia 's dress she was very old , a faded color of brown . Her stockings were knee - highs that she put on in a hurry about an hour or so before . Cecilia always wore stockings , and sturdy shoes , so it was without thinking that she got the stockings out of a drawer and went looking for her good shoes as the paramedics prepared Octavio for the trip to the hospital . What are they going to do to him ? She asked herself , probably for the hundredth time . She looked up at the clock on the white , sterile wall and noticed that her glasses were dirty . For an instant , she thought of going to the restroom and cleaning her bifocals with water and some tissue paper . But the thoughts of missing any news on Octavio from a nurse or a doctor kept her still in that uncomfortable chair . If they need to talk to me , she thought , they might think that I didn 't care and went home . More seconds went by , and the loneliness began to set in . Cecilia 's thoughts turned to their son , Ricardo . He was Octavio and Cecilia 's only son . It was strange that , although they did not have any other children , Ricardo seemed to be more than enough . He was enough to prove that their love could produce fruit . And it was good fruit , in her opinion . Ricardo was everything they wanted in a child and in a son . They were very proud of him . Octavio would not stop talking about his only son and all of his son 's achievements . One of the nurses called him on the phone , and he would take the first flight to be with his parents . He might not make it in until after noon , or even later , a nurse told Cecilia . But she still hoped it would not be too late . And that thought of " too late " made her heart sink deeper into her chest . A void was growing in her heart . " Oh , God … Dear God … My God … Don 't take him just yet , " she whispered into the air . Fifty - three years ago , times were great . The war was over and the World was at peace . The men sent to other countries were back . Economies were strong or bouncing back from the Great War . It was a Golden Era of sorts . Yet all of these global events had little bearing on the goings - on in the town of Camargo , in the northern Mexican state of Chihuahua . It was a small town . So small , indeed , that the only place to go for relief from the summer heat was the town square . And the only way to get there was walking , or riding your horse , down the only paved road in town , the main street . It was also part of the road that led from Chihuahua to Mexico City . Like the road , the square was covered in trees , and local shops around it offered soda pop , ice cream and shaved ice treats , anything to cool off . Hundreds if not thousands of birds sang as they sat on the trees at the square . In a sense , they were having their own sorts of gatherings , maybe to talk about the events of the day life the humans did . People gathered on the square to enjoy good company and share chats of how their days went . This was especially true of the very young and the very old . Kids would run around , kicking soccer balls or cans pretending to be soccer balls . Teens would get together in their little groups , the boys with other boys and the girls with lots of other girls . Once in a while , they would make one big group and flirt amongst themselves . In that group of young people were Cecilia and her sisters , Marta and Olga . They would buy some ice cream and meet their friends . Of all the girls still going to the town square , Cecilia was the oldest at the young age of 19 . Other girls her age were already married . Not Cecilia . She was too bright for that , and her Father noticed it . Being the oldest of his three daughters , he had been teaching Cecy , as he called her , to look after his business when she was older . Even with that responsibility , she still found time to be young . It was late afternoon on that hot summer day that Octavio drove into Camargo . His old Chevrolet was covered in dust from the trip from Chihuahua City . People walking down the street glanced at him as his car 's engine made a loud rumble . The few vehicles that were owned in town were work trucks . Hardly anyone had a car for private use , so it made an interesting spectacle . Octavio was oblivious to the attention he was getting as looked left and right while driving down the main street . He was looking for an address written on a crumpled piece of paper that sat on the passenger seat . Because it was such a small town , Camargo had very few " streets , " let alone street signs . Everybody knew each other ; so street signs for direction were not a priority in the town . Octavio could not find his way . So he pulled over at the side of the road where he saw a group of young girls walking down the street . He decided to ask them for directions . " Excuse me , " he called out , leaning over the passenger 's seat , " would you happen to know how I get to Dr . Chavez 's office ? " The girls immediately knew he was from out of town . Everyone in Camargo knew how to get to Dr . Chavez 's ; not only was he the only doctor in town , but he also had lived in the town as long as anyone could remember , leaving only for medical school back at the beginning of the century . Octavio didn 't know any better . He didn 't really care because , all the time he was talking to the girls , Octavio did not stop looking over and focusing on Cecilia . She had a pair of green eyes that captured his attention . It was a miracle that he paid enough attention to remember how to get to the doctor 's office . Those green eyes were captivating , almost inebriating . Octavio felt very good . But he had to be on his way once he got the directions . He was warned about Dr . Chavez 's affection for punctuality , and he was already very late . Cecilia 's sisters noticed the staring , and they would tease Cecilia about it as they kept walking toward the town square . " You know , Cecy , " Olga said to Cecilia , " that 's the kind of boy you should marry . " Cecilia responded by rolling her eyes . " That 's right , " Marta said , " Cecy likes boys like Carlos … " She paused an instant and then continued , " boys that treat her , and everyone else , like crap because their daddies can afford it . " Marta and Olga started giggling . Cecilia was quiet and getting mad . " It was an accident what he did , okay ? " Cecilia stated . She rolled down her sleeves to cover the bruise in the shape of a hand on her forearm . " I 'm going home . " Cecilia fumbled the sugar packet as she tried to open it . The coffee was a bit stale , so it required some sugar . She did not usually have sugar with her coffee . The arthritis in her hands was getting the best of her dexterity as she did this . There used to be a time when she could sew buttons onto Octavio 's suits in no time . He always managed to lose one at the most inopportune moments . Now , a packet of sugar was giving her a headache . Add on to that the weight of many hours , and she was feeling very frustrated and alone . It had only been twelve minutes since Octavio was taken to surgery . Cecilia was very tired . Every few instants a different nurse would walk by , glancing over to check on her , asking if she needed anything . Cecilia was all right , sitting on the uncomfortable chair , taking sips of coffee . It sure was not as sweet and satisfying as the coffee she always served to her father 's guests . That was her job when her father hosted someone important from the town . She would make the coffee because she was the best at making it . Her sisters and mother would take care of the food . With thoughts of this , the past flooded her thoughts again … It was still early when Cecilia and her sisters got home from their daily walk to the town square . The weather looked like it would turn bad . There were thunderclouds on the horizon , so they cut short the visiting with friends and eating ice cream . As soon as they walked into the house , their mother asked them for help in preparing dinner . " It 's kind of early for dinner , isn 't it , Mom ? " Olga asked . " Doctor Chavez and his new apprentice from the state medical college . So I need you girls to be on your best behavior . " The two younger girls giggled . " I don 't know . I haven 't seen him . But I do know that he is too old for you if he is a medical student , " their mother said . Then she looked at Cecilia . " Well , maybe not too old for Cecy , " she added . Cecilia rolled her eyes and blushed at the same time . Later that evening , the guests arrived . Cecilia 's Father , Fernando , welcomed them at the door to the house . He walked them over to the living room . They all sat in the big , comfortable sofas there . They talked as the waited for dinner to be ready . " Tell me , Octavio , how long will you be in Camargo ? " Fernando asked . " Well , I hope you enjoy Camargo . It 's a quiet little town , not many medical emergencies . Not much of anything , for that matter . " " He 's already enjoying it , Fernando . " Dr . Chavez commented . " It 's a long way from the big city life in Chihuahua and Octavio needed a break . " Octavio nodded in agreement . At that moment , Cecilia walked in from the kitchen . Octavio and Dr . Chavez stood up in her presence . " I 've met him already , Dad . Yesterday , " Cecilia commented as she shook Octavio 's hand . That first touch , that first " taste " of Cecilia 's skin was enough to raise Octavio 's temperature a few degrees . And he felt it . " Yes , " Octavio said enthusiastically , albeit a bit nervous . " She … And her sisters … Gave me directions to Doctor Chavez 's office . " He had a big smile as he held her hand gently . He held it a little longer than normal . Cecilia kept looking at his eyes . The rest of the evening was about eating and talking about the upcoming town fair . Everyone in Camargo looked forward to the fair . People would wear their best clothes and gather about the town square to enjoy food , live music and theatrical productions . Octavio was told that it would be his best opportunity to really know the town . After they were done eating , the younger girls helped their mother put away the food and dishes in the kitchen . Cecilia stayed at the table , with the grown - ups , ( she liked to think of herself as one ) and they talked about things she did not yet understand very well . The conversations revolved mostly on Octavio 's bright future . And all the time , Octavio and Cecilia exchanged quick smiles and glances of each other . Everyone noticed , but no one said anything until later that night . " He looked at you so sweetly , like when Dad looks at his paintings , " Olga told Cecilia . So sweetly , Cecilia thought . " Sweetly " was all she heard . Part 5 . January 7 , 2000 . 6 : 31am His sweet , brown eyes must be closed right now , Cecilia thought . She wondered if they would ever be opened again , and if they would ever exchange a stare with her eyes again . That void in her chest , that sinking feeling , came back . A minute later , Cecilia convinced her self to go to the restroom and clean her bifocals . So she stood up , sighing a bit as her arthritis made it difficult to stand straight and start walking . It was not excruciating pain , but it was pain nonetheless . Cecilia never liked pain . Pain made life difficult . Pain stole nice dreams and beautiful sunsets . Without pain , her life would have been great . Cecilia walked to the restroom in a hurried pace . If there were news , she wanted to be in the waiting area . The restroom was just as white and sterile as the rest of the hospital . It seemed as if no germ could stick to the walls and no virus could ever survive on them . Cecilia walked to the faucet and opened the cold water a bit . The water was too cold for her fragile hands , so she opened the hot water to warm it . She raised her hear and looked at her reflection on the mirror . Where there was once a young , vibrant girl there was now an old , tired woman . She picked up her gray hair and tied it in a ponytail with a rubber band . She then grabbed some soap and a paper towel and proceeded to clean her glasses . This served two purposes in her mind . First , she could see the world better . Second , she would be able to see Octavio better . And that was her main concern . She wanted to see him so bad . Instinctively , like for all those years , she fixed her self up a bit by washing her face and rinsing her mouth . Like for all those years , she wanted to look good for him . Part 6 . July 29 , 1946 . Late Morning . It was always easy for Cecilia to get away from her family , particularly that summer . Everyone was off on some project . Her mother looked after the house . Her father after the cattle ranch he owned . Olga was with friends , and Marta had piano lessons . So , like every morning that summer , Cecilia was at Carlos ' family ranch . He offered her companionship and wealth . She offered the inheritance to the second biggest cattle ranch in the state . Carlos ' family ranch was the biggest . This fact , and his good looks , made Carlos a very sought - after young man . He was known to date a lot , so Cecilia was not the only girl he tended to . Even with that well - known fact , she kept pursuing him . There was nothing better to do in the summer , in Camargo at the age of 19 . There was no one else in Camargo worth her time . Even after the fight they had a day before , and the other fights before , Cecilia and Carlos were on good terms that morning as they rode their horses . They were going out to the ranch reservoir . It was a long ride , and they could get away from everything . She would have him to herself , and he would have her to himself . Somewhere in their chat , Carlos guaranteed Cecilia that she was " very special " to him . Cecilia wanted to believe it . As they had sex under a tree some time later , she wanted to believe she was very special to him even more . " Do you want to come over to the house ? " Carlos asked as he lay beside her minutes later . " Sure . " Cecilia wanted to believe that all of it , coming over , doing chores for him , having sex out of wedlock , him being interested enough in her to sleep with her … She wanted to believe it was special . An hour later , they were outside Carlos ' house . " Go inside while I tie up the horses , Cecy . " Cecilia nodded and jumped off her horse to go into the house . She made her way through the living room and into the kitchen . She immediately noticed a white envelope atop the kitchen table . As she walked closer to the table , she could read the writing on the envelope . It was addressed to Carlos from Micaela , another girl he had been seeing lately . Unable to restrain her curiosity , Cecilia grabbed the letter and opened it . She would hide it if he came in . At least , that was her plan . She began reading the letter , and she could not believe her eyes . Words like " love " and " forever " were put together to form sentences like " Our love will last forever " and " I will love you forever . " Many of the other sentences in the letter were written in that same tone . Together , those sentences made up a love letter . Cecilia 's stomach turned . She felt sick , and her eyes began filling up with tears . Her rising anger and utter disbelief muffled the sounds of footsteps behind her as she began to sob . " What 's going on , Cecy ? " Carlos was standing right behind her , and it was too late to put the letter back on the table . Cecilia did not know what to do . She folded up the letter and quickly tucked it in her dress . " Are you crying ? " he asked . " You WILL stay … And you WILL help Mother with making lunch ! " He grabbed Cecilia 's arm and held it tight . A shot of pain ran up her arm . With her free hand , Cecilia grabbed the letter from her dress and tossed it at Carlos . His face showed surprise for a second , then anger the next . He knew he was caught , but he was determined to make it Cecilia 's fault . " That one girl or two or three should not make you mad this way ! I have many girls , all after my money … Just like you ! " Cecilia was in shock . " The only difference is , you 're much better looking … And better at other things . " She wanted to leave so badly now . His words were poisonous . It would have been one thing , she thought , if he said these things because he was hurt . He was just saying them to control her , make her feel less of a person . " And another thing … You should not read other people 's mail ! " With that , he slapped her across the face , leaving an enormous red mark in sharp contrast with her light skin . She fell back to the table and held herself up against it . With what little self - respect she had left , in more of an instinctive move to get away from danger , Cecilia stood up and began to walk outside . Carlos followed her , making sure every one of his steps was loud and intimidating . Once outside , Cecilia walked to the stable as Carlos stared at her from the front door . She struggled a bit to open the stable door and mount her horse . She mounted her horse and glared at Carlos as she rode away . " You 're not a man , " she muttered under her breath . Miles later , her face was still throbbing in pain . Tears filled her eyes , and it was hard to see ahead of her . It was hard to see the rattlesnake trying to cross the road . A man wouldn 't have done that , she thought . A man would love , not hurt . A man would guide , not punish . A man would be loyal , not betray . Suddenly , the horse jolted away from the snake , which was coiled up now , rattling , hissing at the horse . Cecilia could not hold on , and she went flying off the horse . She hit her head on the ground as her entire body came down . Her world was filled with darkness . The horse stood by her , and the snake slithered away . Pain . It was with obvious pain that Cecilia staggered through Dr . Chavez 's office door a couple of hours later . The office was empty , and a crackling AM radio could be heard coming from the back . It was alternating the news with readings of telegrams for people living in the country , far from phones and telegraphs . Octavio was in the exam room , re - stocking supplies . Dr . Chavez had gone to the train station to pick up a delivery of drugs and other essentials for his practice . Octavio heard the door opening while someone walked with an uneasy step . He poked his head out of the exam room door and saw Cecilia . She was dirty , holding her side , and blood was on her face . It was dried blood . She looked up at him . He dropped a bag of cotton balls and ran to her . " Miss Cecilia ? " He asked as he hurried to her . When Cecilia opened her eyes , she was on the exam table , cleaned up and bandaged . She felt a bit better , but her head and chest still hurt . The pain from the slap was no match for those other pains from the fall . The pain from the betrayal , however , was a whole other story . " Oh , I see you 're awake , " Octavio said from the door . Cecilia looked over and smiled . " I hope you don 't mind , I examined you for any injuries , other than the obvious ones . " It was then that Cecilia noticed a tight bandage across her chest . She was half embarrassed . " You have some bruises , but no broken ribs … As far as I can tell . " " Well , it takes a lot to break them . They 're very strong and flexible , and well protected by the arms . They 're very important , you know ? " Cecilia sat up on the exam table . She noticed he had also cleaned up a scrape on her forearm . " Well , the ribs protect a man 's heart from being hurt . The ribs are neither atop the body nor below it . They 're beside it , under the arm . And it 's that arm that protects it . " Octavio moved slowly toward Cecilia . They looked into each other 's eyes . He spoke softer . " You see , a woman … The right woman … She protects a man 's heart from being hurt . That man , in turn , protects her under his arm . And he should neither be above her nor below her … They 're equals … Always beside one another . " He reached Cecilia 's side and took her hand . " Cecy , I 've seen bruises like this , " he reached at her face and touched her chin , " and I haven 't seen it from anything else other than a slap across the face . " Cecilia 's eyes got red . She was ready to cry and tell the young doctor everything that happened . But , at least today , she did not want any more problems . She pulled back her hand from his , and she jumped off the exam table . A few minutes later , Cecilia came out to the front of the office and found Octavio writing down some notes . He wrote of Cecilia 's visit and his course of treatment . " Thank you for everything that you have done for me , Doctor , " she said . " Can I take you home ? I mean … You 're not all that well yet , from a medical point of view . " Cecilia smiled and nodded . They walked through the unpaved streets of Camargo toward Cecilia 's home . Cecilia pulled her horse behind them . The horse just walked along , looking forward , swatting away the flies and mosquitoes with its tail and its ears . Octavio and Cecilia talked and talked , but they never touched on what happened earlier that day . Octavio wanted to be respectful of her private life . But they talked like old friends , nonetheless . Cecilia talked about growing up in Camargo and wanting to take over her Father 's cattle ranch when she was older . She talked of how , to prepare her for this , her Father was sending her to Chihuahua City next year . She would stay with an aunt and study at the university . " At the university ? " Octavio asked . " Well , I will . I 'm the oldest , and there are no men other than Dad in my family … Dad had all girls . The world is just going to have to deal with me , I guess . " Octavio was impressed . She sounded determined , focused . Octavio then talked of his career , his life in the state capital , and how much he was learning from Dr . Chavez . He talked of how he would like to study abroad , maybe in the United States , and learn a specialty . " A specialty ? " Cecilia asked . " I know what pediatrics is , Tavo . I got through high school just fine . There were three of us in my class … And we all learned a lot . " Octavio was really impressed . Young , and pretty , AND smart ? Where has she been all my life ? Octavio asked himself . They were intrigued with each other 's worlds . " How can I forget ? All Doctor Chavez did was talk about you , and all my father did was ask for your opinion on just about every other political and social matter , " Cecilia replied . Octavio smiled . " What do you mean ? " Octavio asked , puzzled . There had been horror stories of some old doctor in the country who liked to torture his apprentices by teaching them one task per day , like when you learn to play the piano . It was then he realized : the good doctor was that old doctor . Octavio just liked being taught with discipline so much that he didn 't mind the one - lesson - per - day approach . " Cecy , can I see you again ? " Octavio was straightforward . If he was going to get to know her , he could not waste any time . There were things to do , and he liked plans … Discipline . Cecilia smiled and looked up at him . Her green - colored eyes locked in on his and lit his soul … It was warm and energizing , like sunshine . For the next few weeks , Cecilia and Octavio would meet when he got off from working , or learning , with Dr . Chavez . They would walk down the main street to the town square and eat ice cream . They would talk about everything and anything . They were the " best " of friends . But Carlos would not have his plans for Cecilia and her father 's ranch ruined by some city boy . Carlos would intervene . And the summer would end . Part 7 . January 7 , 2000 . 7 : 42am Choices . What if the doctor comes out , and I have to make a choice ? Cecilia liked to think that , if the time came to make a choice , she would make the right one . But doubt clouded her mind whenever she had to make tough choices . Even with all her years , and the wisdom that they brought , Cecilia still had a very hard time making choices . Cecilia walked back into the waiting room and sat down in a small , rigid chair . She thought of the choices that brought her to that moment and that place in her life . Did I choose right all those years , all those times ? Part 8 . September 30 , 1946 . 5 : 32pm With the summer being over , Octavio could feel the days getting shorter . He would arrive to Dr . Chavez 's shortly after the sun came out , and he would leave with only a couple of hours of sunshine left . But his most important sunshine was always there for him . Cecilia would be waiting to eat ice cream and chat with him . But there was something afoot , and Octavio could feel it . The door opened , and a cool wind came in . Carlos stepped into the office and looked around . There was the desk , and the chairs for waiting . And there were the doors to the exam rooms . He grinned as he thought of all the work that Dr . Chavez and his apprentice did day after day . But the grin went away when he thought of all the people they helped . For Carlos , many of those people were worthless . He didn 't grin because he felt envy that they , the unworthy , were shown such compassion . " I 'll go get him . " Dr . Chavez walked out behind his office . Carlos sat on a chair to wait . One minute later , Octavio walked in . " It 's good to meet you , " Octavio said . He did not mean it . For very long , he had known about the existence of Carlos . But he denied that existence because he wanted to enjoy being with Cecilia . If Carlos existed in that universe , the relationship with Cecilia would not prosper . Now , Carlos had come into existence . " Me ? You must be mistaken , Doctorcito . I have never touched her … Has she told you otherwise ? " Octavio shook his head . " Then nothing 's happened . All is well . And it 'll be better when you are out of our lives . " " Well , I can be out of your life . In fact , I was never in it to begin with . But I 'll be out of her life when she chooses for me to leave . " " Fine . I 'll make sure she does . " Carlos began to walk around Octavio . " You know , Doctorcito , she came to see me every day this summer , every morning , before she went to see you in the afternoon . " Octavio could feel his adrenaline rising . " We made love once or twice each morning . What did you do ? Talk . Did you ever even touch her hand ? Smell her hair ? You 're just her friend . Her friend . " Octavio closed his fists . " I would be fine with that , but you 're filling her head with all this bullshit about her being better , and capable . She 's just a woman . Like all other women , she has her place … In the kitchen . " " But I thank you for taking her from me in the afternoons . It gave me plenty of time to see my other women … And to get some more . " " Leave . Leave right now , Mr . Durazo , " Octavio ordered . He was angry . A thousand thoughts raced through his head . It wouldn 't be good for you to stay , Octavio thought . " Okay , okay . I 'll leave . Just know that I disapprove of you and her being friends , and all that crap you fill her head with . " Carlos walked out , letting more cold air in . Octavio stood in his place , thinking . It 'll have to be her choice , Octavio thought . I hope she makes the right one . Part 9 . January 7 , 2000 . 7 : 59am Times have changed so much , Cecilia thought . There were now nurses and doctors of all colors and backgrounds . I was not that way when she and Octavio moved to the United States . It was not that way in Mexico , either . People were denied their rights because of their social status or where they were born . When Octavio and Cecila moved to the United States , they had the hardest time finding Octavio work because he was Mexican . At the stores or restaurants , people would address her in English because of her fair skin and green eyes , but it was Octavio that spoke English very well . And now , here she was , sitting far from home , in a cold waiting room , listening to news in English about the United States and its troubles . But she was very glad to see Hispanic men and women working at the hospital , some taking care of her husband . And the Presidential Candidates kept giving some speeches in Spanish . Times have changed for the better , she thought . She remembered how Octavio treated everyone the same , regardless of their social or ethnic backgrounds and regardless of what decade they lived in . " It 's part of my job as a healer , " he once had told her . " The moment I treat someone with bias because of where they come from , because of factors they cannot control , I have failed as a doctor and as a human being . " Part 10 . October 11 , 1946 . Before Dawn . " Doctor Chavez ! " The screams from the man at the door almost made Octavio fall out of bed . It was very early in the morning . The sun was not out yet . Octavio still managed to put on his sandals and walk quickly to the door . " Doctor Chavez ! We need your help ! " The man kept screaming . Octavio got to the front door and opened it . " There 's been an accident . One of the men got his hand mauled by the cotton ' gin . " The man waited as Octavio put on a pair of jeans and his boots . Half an hour later , they were at the entrance to the Durazo ranch . Carlos was blocking it with his truck . Octavio and the man that went to fetch him got off the car . " Can I help you , Doctorcito ? " Carlos asked . " There 's been no accident here , Martin . What is the doctor talking about ? " Carlos asked as he glared at Martin . Martin stayed quiet and lowered his head . " I 'm sorry he took your time , doctor . He will take you back to town . And I will have a nice long chat with him when he comes back . " Martin turned on the car and started backing up . Carlos got back into his truck . " I 'm sorry , doctor . If Mister Carlos finds out I tell you anything , there 'll be hell to pay . " Octavio grabbed Martin 's shoulder . " Whatever it is , we will deal with it … People 's lives are more important . What is going on ? " Martin started telling Octavio all about how the Durazo ranch lost a lot of workers during the war . They either went off to work in the United States , or they went to war alongside the United States . To fill those jobs , Carlos had workers brought from Central America , illegally . And he kept them in what amounted to slavery at the ranch , away from communication . They worked long hours , and got little if any money in return . " Does Carlos ' Father know about all this ? Is he involved ? " Octavio asked . Martin explained how Carlos ' Father was too old to know about what was happening . Lately the old man had also been sick , Martin explained . So Carlos has been running the ranch . " Some people came from up north last week . They also needed workers , and Carlos said he would deliver twenty to them . And they would be taken to the United States , also as servants . " " Yes . Carlos probably had the veterinarian look at him . They 're all in on it . Even the authority in this town … Doctor , this reaches very high . It 'd be best if you keep quiet about it and pretend I never told you . " Octavio nodded in agreement . But he did not agree . He would have to do something . If I don 't do something , I will have failed as a human being . He was very idealistic . Not as idealistic as Doctor Chavez , though . I 'll consult with him , Octavio thought . Martin drove back to the ranch after dropping - off Octavio . Martin was never seen or heard from again . About an hour later , Doctor Chavez knew the truth . " So that 's why I 've been kept from leadership meetings . My ties to the people at the capital must make them nervous , " he told Octavio . That afternoon , Octavio sat beside Cecilia , eating his pistachio ice cream . Only this time , he was not enjoying it . " What 's wrong , Tavo ? " Cecilia asked . But Octavio just stared into the distance . " Tavo ? " She asked again . Octavio turned to look at her . " Never mind . Just promise me you 'll tell me if he does anything , anything wrong at all . " Octavio reached out and grabbed her hand . Cecilia gripped it tight and smiled . That night , as he lay in bed , Octavio ran a thousand plans in his head to expose Carlos . Many of those planned involved complicated " missions " , like the tales that came from Europe and Asia with the soldiers . Suddenly , Doctor Chavez knocked at Octavio 's door . " Thinking too much again , Octavio ? " " I 'm still troubled by all this , no doubt . All the stories coming out of Germany and Poland with the Jews make me sick … And now it seems to be happening in our own country . But we 'll find a way to get them . Now , get some sleep , young man . " Doctor Chavez shuffled his way out of Octavio 's room . It was best not to get her involved , Octavio thought . I don 't want her hurt … I couldn 't live with myself . Part 11 . January 7 , 2000 . 8 : 05am Cecilia was not comfortable . The chair was too rigid and small . Knowing that the sofa in the middle of the room would make her want to go to sleep , Cecilia decided to stand up and walk around the room . She was very tired . The television was tuned to the same channel , but the programming was now the national morning news . There was nothing all that new . It was an election year , and politics took center stage . The Governor wanted the candidacy , and so did the Vice - President . Their past meant more than the present , and the gathering threats from far away were being ignored . Once in a while , an announcement could be heard through the public address system in the hospital . A doctor would be paged , or a nurse had a phone call , or maintenance was needed somewhere in the building . Everyone was needed somewhere , and Cecilia needed to be with Octavio . Standing in that room was the best she could do at the moment . But every bone in her body begged to be by his side . She wanted to hold his hands and feel his fingers rubbing her hands lightly , like he always did . Or he would reach over , for no reason , and rub her neck or back . It was his minimal way of showing his fondness for her . But Cecilia always preferred the hugs . She preferred losing herself in his arms and feeling that warmth as she sank in his chest . His arms made her safe . She kept his heart safe , too . It was a good deal . Suddenly , two children ran into the room , playing hide and seek with each other . Cecilia smiled at the sight of those two . One would hide behind the sofa , or a chair , and the other would go looking . Cecilia was reminded of that night she found Octavio out in the middle of nowhere … Part 12 . November 1 , 1946 . 5 : 46pm . Octavio said he would not be able to make it that afternoon to see Cecilia . The days were getting shorter , and the cold nights brought with them more sick people . Knowing that he would not be there , Cecilia opted to get on her father 's truck and go see Carlos . After all , she thought , he is my boyfriend . You see , there was a certain kind of guilt that Cecilia felt about seeing Octavio that often and only seeing Carlos when it was convenient for both of them . And some sort of feeling was growing inside her about Octavio . That feeling brought more guilt . But it was hard not to like Octavio , with his goofy humor and all - knowing advice ( which she took with a grain of salt ) . However , those feelings were muffled in the presence of Carlos , and this afternoon they would be muffled again . Over at Carlos ' ranch , a man in a black car drove up to the main house . He was a tall , white man , with a short mustache and dark , squinted eyes . He wore a cowboy suit , with a big belt buckle and a big hat . His boots were alligator skin , polished and shiny . Rodney Hilliard was a Texan . Rodney Hilliard was also evil . He dealt in human beings , taking the poor , ignorant souls from Central and South America to the United States , promising prosperity . Some of them would not make it to the United States . They would die in " accidents " or from hunger and disease . They were never heard from or seen again . They just disappeared into history , into an unknown void where the unwanted and the innocent vanished to in their unknown death . Those that did make it to the United States could expect a life of indentured servitude . " Hard work leads to a good life , " Randy would tell them . This evening , he was at the Durazo Ranch to make a deal . Randy needed more workers for a client , and Carlos waited for him at the door . Back at Doctor Chavez 's office , Octavio was finishing up examining a young man with a sore throat . While he did that , his mind also raced with thoughts of what he was going to do that night . He thought of which road to take , where to leave his car , and how to get to the ranch . Octavio did not know the layout of the ranch , so he was going to have to look around . I should wear my boots , Octavio thought . There are a lot of snakes out in that area . He thought of what happened to Cecilia and the horse . Cecilia arrived at the ranch just as Carlos and Randy were having a chat outside the house . The sun was about to set , so they all moved into the house . " Cecy , why don 't you go help my mother get dinner ready ? " Carlos asked Cecilia . She nodded , although she was not there to serve him . " Mr . Hilliard and I have some business to talk about . " Minutes later , Cecilia joined Carlos and Randy in the living room . Dinner would be ready in a few more minutes . She sat there listening to Carlos and Randy talking about " the shipment " , and it all sounded like heads of cattle to Cecilia . She was horrified to the point of panic when she heard Carlos say , " These people will work hard and keep quiet … All out of fear . " Cecilia stood up and walked back to the kitchen , not knowing what to think . She grabbed the keys to her father 's truck and walked out the kitchen door . Carlos ' mother didn 't know what to think . The sun had set and the darkness was enough in Octavio 's judgment that he could sneak into the ranch and not be seen . After walking and jogging from Camargo to the ranch , he took a couple of sips of water from his canteen . Even though winter was coming , the weather was still warm . Octavio scanned the area for anyone else , but the only other beings around were cattle . In the distance , the main house and the worker barracks had the only lights that could be seen . Octavio made his way closer to the barracks . As he approached the buildings , he noticed a truck and several cars next to the main house . There must be a party , Octavio thought . Cecilia sat in the truck , thinking about everything that was going on . She was trying to convince herself that she had heard wrong . But her mind kept repeating the words they were saying , not in sequential order , but in an order that made everything make sense . They were going to take 100 men and women in trailers to the border , payoff border officials to let the truck through without inspection , and then put them to work at various plantations and orchards . The fear of being deported , or not seeing their loved ones again would keep them from accusing their bosses of being slave traders . The fear of being lost like the others would keep them quiet . Tears started to roll down Cecilia 's cheeks . She had to drive home and tell her father . He will help me , she thought . Octavio looked into one of the barracks through a window . There were about twenty people packed into the room . There were a few bunk beds , but not enough for everyone . There were men , women , and a few very young kids . All of them were sitting around , talking to each other . Many of them were sneezing and coughing , and one of the women tended to a sick - looking child . Octavio sneaked around to the front of the building . He stopped when he noticed a man with a rifle , sitting on a chair , guarding the entrance . As Octavio turned around , Cecilia turned on the truck and its headlights , lighting up Octavio . His shadow was cast on the side of the building , and the guard , curious as to whom was leaving , looked around the side . He saw Octavio . " Stop ! Who are you ? " The guard screamed as he raised his rifle . Octavio stumbled back and toward the truck 's headlights . They blinded the guard . Cecilia , recognizing Octavio , placed the truck in gear and moved it toward Octavio . The guard gave a few more shouts . Cecilia then shouted Octavio 's name and told him to get in the truck . They both drove away as the guard watched . Hearing the commotion , Randy and Carlos ran out to the porch . The guard ran up to them and told them everything that happened . How he had heard Cecilia call Octavio 's name . " I hope this isn 't going to be a problem , " Randy told Carlos . " Mad ? I 'm not mad . It 's just that you were out there in the dark , lurking around , and a guard was about to shoot you . " " Who do we tell ? " Cecilia asked . A million scenarios played out in her head , all ending badly . Everyone she knew was in on the scheme . Part 13 . January 7 , 2000 . 8 : 15am Fear had got to be the worst feeling Cecilia ever had . She could handle anxiety , or impatience . Her anger was always in check , and her passions were few . Octavio always told her she had a calming effect on him . He 's always so hyper , Cecilia thought . In that same instant , she thought about him being asleep , having the operation that the surgeon said he so desperately needed to have a chance . In the next instant , the fear came back , the fear of him dying . She would do anything , anything , to keep him alive , to keep him safe . Part 14 . November 2 , 1946 . Mid - Morning . Cecilia knew it was Carlos who came into her house . He always brought with him a cold air , and his boots made the most sinister clap as he struck the floor with his heels first while walking . He walked slowly , determined . He always knew where to go , and how to get there . Cecilia was in the kitchen as Olga led Carlos to her . She turned around to see his dark eyes glaring at her . " Who did you leave the ranch with last night , Cecy ? " His question pierced her heart , allowing fear to flood into it . " No one , why ? " She responded . Carlos walked closer and reached out his arm , grabbing her by the throat . He turned to look at Olga , who was petrified , scared , and he motioned with his head for her to leave them alone . " Let me ask you slowly , that you may understand the question . What that Doctor Octavio Ortiz in your daddy 's truck when you left the ranch ? " Cecilia could not answer . He was choking her too hard . " I will tell you this , and I will say it once . Stay away from him and out of my business or he will die . It 's a big state , Chihuahua , and he can get lost out there and have some wild animal kill him . " He released Cecilia right then , and she fell to the ground , coughing . Carlos bent down to offer his hand , and she took it . " And one more thing … " Octavio knew it was Carlos who came into the office . The clapping of the boots against the concrete floor was unmistakable . Octavio apologized with his patient and walked out to the office waiting room . " May I help you , Mr . Durazo ? " Carlos then approached Octavio slowly , leaning in to whisper to him so the three people in the room would not hear . " I know where you were last night , Doctorcito . " Octavio 's heart started pounding . " If you so much as look at me the wrong way , or I know you tell anyone about my business , Cecilia will find herself … Well , dead . " Carlos smiled and turned around to walk out . " I gave her the ring not ten minutes ago , and she said yes … That poor little girl . I guess her feelings for you are not that strong . Or she was faking it . " Upon hearing this , Octavio clenched his fists . But his mind started racing , already formulating a plan , a response to what was happening . " She wanted to tell you herself , but I wouldn 't let her have the joy of being the one to see you like this , all worked up and defeated . " Right then , a tear rolled down Octavio 's eye . " You 're too weak to even do anything , you city boy . " Carlos turned around and walked out of the office . Octavio 's mind kept racing on , trying to control the fear . Part 15 . January 7 , 2000 . 8 : 23am Cecilia felt cold . The weather outside was cold , but a special kind of cold was about inside the hospital . For the longest time , Octavio 's arms had protected her from the cold . Now , he was on the verge of dying , and her heart was on the verge of breaking . How will I live without him ? She thought . He 's always been there for me . Cecilia looked at the clock . It was 8 : 24 in the morning . Knowing that the sun was out , she made her way to a hallway nearby . It had large windows on either side , letting in the sunlight . She felt a bit warmer as she held herself in the sunshine . " I already lost you once , and it almost killed me , " she whispered . " I can 't lose you again . " Part 16 . WINTER 1947 - 1948 It was a very cold winter in Camargo . It was colder than any of the old men at the town square could remember . This brought with it an especially busy time for Dr . Chavez and Octavio . There were all sorts of people sick with all sorts of respiratory problems . But it wasn 't as if Octavio did not have the time . He had all the time in the world . There was no social life anymore , no Cecilia . Because of Carlos ' threats , and the ensuing harassment from the town officials and the two town cops , Octavio and Doctor Chavez stuck to their work at the office . " They 're not doing any work at the ranch with this cold , Octavio , " Doctor Chavez had told him . " Come Spring , we will make a special trip to Chihuahua City and get more help … That way , we will catch Durazo with the evidence in his fields . " Octavio agreed . But he was just afraid that Carlos would transport more people into Texas during the winter . He also remembered how sick some of those people looked . And he remembered how bad conditions were at the ranch . It was as if his brother had died in vain fighting the Nazi 's . It was in all in vain if that kind of evil still existed . The worst thing was that this particular brand of evil had also taken away his Cecilia , his sunshine . He missed talking to her , confessing his sins and worries . Telling her all about him and having her listen . That was the best thing about her . She always listened . She was always there … " Well , " Octavio was hesitant , " it was a bad relationship all together . Don 't get me wrong ; it had a lot of good moments . But , generally , it went from a dream to a nightmare . " The days grew shorter and shorter , and the fierce night winds brought howling frosts . The weather became colder and colder . People got sicker and sicker all over town . The days turned into twelve then fourteen - hour days for the doctors . Because of his old age , Dr . Chavez would only stay beyond eight hours at the office if the cases were too complicated . Other than that , Octavio and some town volunteers took care of the people . And these sick people came in from everywhere . The influenza season was here , and it was worse than anyone could remember . Only few remembered a worse season : the Spanish Flu back in 1918 . Then there were the house calls . Those times when the doctor and his apprentice got summoned to some very ill person 's house , in the middle of the night more often than not . And , more often than not , the stench of death filled that house . And the patient was doomed . But that did not keep Doctor Chavez and the very young Doctor Ortiz from trying to ease the suffering . Doctor Chavez would give out instructions , and Octavio would follow them . It was as if the two of them were up against an adversary , fighting to keep the person alive . Even with his many years of training , Doctor Chavez had very little to work with . Everyone with the flu got pneumonia . The very old , the very young , and the chronically sick died . There were very few exceptions . Part 17 . Christmas Eve , 1946 . 7 : 00 pm Because of her engagement to Carlos , Cecilia became the socialite she always wanted to be . In a way , it was not bad at all . She got a lot of attention , and Carlos was always so busy that she did not have to deal with him . They would not see each other for weeks . Tonight , however , she wanted to have fun . He had been particularly mean to her , and she needed some relief . Without being able to see Octavio , the Christmas party at the Najera 's was good enough . Carlos arrived at the party , making his grand entrance by shoving some people around . He noticed Cecilia in the room and walked over to her , asking to talk to her . " Talk ? You want to talk ? " Cecilia sounded furious . But she came closer to him and whispered in his ear , " are you sure you don 't want to hit me ? " Carlos looked back at Cecilia with a glare . " I really didn 't mean it , and I have hated myself for doing that to you . " They were both quiet . There they were , at a Christmas party where everyone who was anyone in the small town of Camargo was in attendance . And everyone was watching the developments between the two . " We 're meant to be together , Cecy . " Cecilia shrugged her shoulders . " Can you at least agree to talk to me outside ? " Cecilia nodded . She looked annoyed , but she was willing to give him a chance . She had always been that way , hopeful of the best in men , and her sisters and friends hated that in her . Carlos mistreated Cecilia , but Cecilia always gave him the benefit of the doubt . He had threatened to kill Octavio and her , and she did nothing but take the ring and pose at social functions as his fiancée . Carlos was the son of a wealthy cattle rancher , like her father . Thinking of all the money and the power they would have together made her not see things clearly sometimes . As they walked out into the cold , Francisco Najera , the host of the party , asked one of his men to make sure Carlos did not come back in . He did not like Carlos and what he was doing to the Durazo family 's name . " I want to be with you , " he said with the beginning signs of sadness in his eyes . " It doesn 't matter what was said , or done … Or the threats . " " Then , why can 't you see it ? We 're meant to be together . We 're so good with each other , " Octavio told her with a breaking voice . " But he won 't leave us alone , ever . I know him . He 'll make my life and yours a living hell . He might even kill us . And I could never have anything happen to you if I can help it . " Octavio 's face showed disappointment at hearing Cecilia 's words . He clenched his fists , and Cecilia noticed . " I 've known him for a very long time … And he is capable of doing what he said he 'd do . " " I 'm sorry , " Cecilia said as she lowered her head . Octavio stood up . His breathing became heavy , and his breath in the cold air was thick . " I wanted to make myself believe that I can get away from Carlos anytime , but I can 't . I can 't lie to myself . And I can 't have anything happen to you . " " I can 't do that to you . You 're going to go on to bigger , better things . Perhaps this is the way of letting you do that . " Cecilia stood up . She had made up her mind of what she was going to say . It would hurt Octavio . " I 'll learn to love Carlos . And you 'll go on to be someone important . Maybe then you can come back and stop what he 's doing . But I 'm not leaving him . " " I probably did , Octavio . But you will live to tell me ' I told you so ' someday . " Suddenly , the office front door opened , and Amalia , a lady volunteering with Dr . Chavez , came out to look for Octavio . " Just like that , Cecy ? You break my heart and walk away and expect me to function normally … to think clearly ? " He was angry . Cecilia started walking . Octavio walked a couple of quick steps to catch up to her . He grabbed her upper arms from behind and came close to her . " Kiss me . " " Kiss me now , or don 't . But if you don 't , you risk an eternity , yes , an entire eternity wondering if I was the one . If right here , right now , there could have been sparks and you could have been happy . " " I … I can 't . It wouldn 't be fair , " Cecilia told him in a quiet voice . Octavio leaned in close to her ear . " I could have loved you , " he whispered . " But now you 've lost me … " He then stopped whispering . " But , hey , you get forever with the wealthy boy with all the expensive toys . Fair trade , eh ? " " I did . You said ' never ' , and never it is . " Then he let her go and walked back to the office 's entrance . Cecilia started walking away , then stopped and looked back at Octavio . She stood there for a few seconds , seeing him go through the door . He cleaned his tears and looked around the office . There was a baby with a very bad cough in the arms of a young woman . I think I can still do this , he thought . Octavio could think of a thousand things at once . Part 18 . January 7 , 2000 . 8 : 35am Seeing all the old and young doctors walking around together in the hospital , Cecilia could not help but think of the relationship that developed between Octavio and Doctor Chavez . It was very surprising to almost everyone that Octavio actually completed his year of training with Doctor Ortiz . Most of the other apprentice medical students walked out on the old man . He was too overbearing and critical . They felt held back by him because he would always be there to guide them and give them a better way of doing things . Not Octavio , though . He stuck through everything the old man threw at him . And they became very close friends . At no time did Octavio feel like he , the apprentice , had overcome the knowledge and wisdom of Doctor Chavez , the master . As early as the day before , Octavio had quoted Doctor Chavez to Cecilia . And , as their son was growing up , she saw a lot of Doctor Chavez 's teaching methods become parenting methods . Part 19 . January 15 , 1948 . 2 : 00pm Days went by and then three weeks . Octavio was very troubled by what Cecilia had said , but he would respect her wishes . He stayed away and focused on his work . He did not look at her if they happened to walk into each other in town . They did not speak . A certain kind of anger was in him , but understanding overshadowed it . But Dr . Chavez could see his young apprentice was hurt and distracted . " Muchacho , what is troubling you ? " Dr . Chavez asked as he sat next to Octavio to eat lunch . " There hasn 't been a student that has managed to fool me , Octavio . I am far too old to be fooled . " Dr . Chavez smiled at Octavio , and he smiled back . " They say that the devil knows more because he is old than because he 's the devil … It 's Miss Cecilia , isn 't it ? " Octavio lowered his eyes at the question . " If you would rather not talk about it , then I suggest you forget about it . You are far too ahead in your studies to be distracted , young man . Besides , we have to unmask Carlos Durazo and stop his whole scheme … Greater things are at hand . " " She 's … She 's a lot of what I have looked for in a woman . She 's great . I feel like pure sunshine is raining down on me when I 'm with her . All this cold mountain air doesn 't bother me when I 'm with her . The long hours at work do not bother me when I get to see her at the end of the long day . She 's the antidote to this poisonous life … And I was looking forward to seeing her in Chihuahua when she went there to study . " Dr . Chavez nodded and listened . " She 's pretty , smart and determined . I just don 't know why she betrayed me like that . " " We were together , so to speak . We held hands , we talked and went places around town together . Then , all of a sudden , three weeks ago , she just comes over to the office and tells me that it 's over … That she is staying with Carlos , and that she MUST be with him … Or try to be with him … Or something … Because , if she 's not , he will kill me . " Dr . Chavez kept nodding . " Worst thing is , she 's hurt me so much and I would still take her back in a second , without a doubt . " " Eat now , Muchacho . We have a lot of work this afternoon . " Dr . Chavez understood his apprentice 's troubled heart . But he also understood that there was an influenza outbreak going on , and they would be very busy . " And clear your mind … I need you in top form the next few weeks . People are coming here from the villages up in the mountains . This influenza is hitting hard . " Part 20 . January 16 , 1947 . About 10pm It was an extremely cold night that night . No one , not even the elders that gathered at the town square remembered such cold . It was also windy , and that made matters worse . Carlos summoned Dr . Chavez and Octavio to his father 's home . Carlos ' father became ill a couple of days before , and , tonight , he became very , very sick . " It 's as if he can 't breathe , " Carlos said . " And he has a very strong fever . Please come with me . " Octavio and Dr . Chavez put on their clothes , grabbed their bags and headed out . It felt a lot like a trap , but they had a job to do . He was very hot . The fever was above 42 Centigrade . Dr . Chavez listened to the man 's chest . " Your chest is very congested , Mateo . I am afraid that you have pneumonia . " Mateo nodded . " My apprentice here is going to place a catheter into your vein , and we are going to give you penicillin . " " An anti - biotic - Medicine to fight the germs that are causing your illness . " Dr . Chavez looked over at Octavio . " Give him thirty grams now , injectable , and come get me if he gets worse . " Octavio nodded . " I 'm going to let his family know of the situation . " Dr . Chavez walked out of the room , and Octavio stayed behind to start the intravenous catheter . Suddenly , Mateo opened his eyes and grabbed Octavio 's arm . " Are you Ricardo 's apprentice ? " Octavio nodded in response . " You 're also the one that was snooping around my son 's end of the ranch , aren 't you ? " " Don 't worry . I loathe what he 's doing as much as you do . " Mateo then reached into his nightstand 's drawer . He pulled out several documents . " Francisco Najera gave me these . " They were pictures of the men and women Carlos kept in indentured servitude , along with notes on who came and went , and several letters Francisco intercepted between ranchers and farmers in Texas and Carlos . " He risked his life to get these to me , and now I give them to you . " " I 'm dying . Remember ? This is your opportunity for Carlos and his henchmen to let you get there safe for my sake . " Octavio smiled . " Just mind the snowdrifts . " Mateo winked at Octavio . Carlos , his Mother , Cecilia and the ranch veterinarian were sitting in the living room , drinking coffee . Carlos and the veterinarian stood up as Dr . Chavez came in the room . " How is he ? " " He is not well , Carlos . My apprentice is going to give him an antibiotic … He has an infection , germs , in his chest , made worse by the flu . The antibiotic might help . " " Yes . Might . There 's no way of knowing . Your father has pneumonia and the influenza . It 's very serious . We will stay here and watch him through the night . " Cecilia stood up and held Carlos ' hand . He clenched hers . " Well , Doctor . I don 't have much faith in you and your boy over there . And this influenza is very bad . There 's already been , what ? Ten dead ? Or twenty ? " " I don 't have either , " Carlos said . Indeed , he did not . He looked at Lorenzo and motioned his head for him to get going . Lorenzo hesitated a moment . " Lorenzo , go ! " Carlos yelled . Lorenzo walked out of the room to inform of Mateo 's impending death . Dr . Chavez sat down in a chair and shook his head . At that moment , Octavio walked into the room . " But if we don 't give Don Mateo more oxygen , he is going to … " Octavio looked at the people in the room . He came closer to Dr . Chavez . " He is going to asphyxiate , and he needs a diuretic to draw all that fluid out of his lungs , and maybe a steroid to prevent more inflammation in his lungs " he whispered . Dr . Octavio lowered his head and shook it . What a fine job he had done with this one student ! Octavio was well trained and able to foresee his patient 's problems . He had passed this test . " I will . " Octavio turned around to see Cecilia and Carlos holding hands . Octavio felt a bit ill . But his brain told him to go , to get out of there and not think of her . There was a long drive ahead . " I 'll be back before you know it . " Octavio stepped out of the house into the windy , cold night . Clouds obscured the moon , and the snowflakes began to fall with more frequency . " I saw how he looked at you . I can 't have that . Well , that and he knows about my operation here . Randy brought some men with him , and , well , Octavio 's going to have a very bad accident … He shouldn 't have gone driving in this weather . " Cecilia never felt so helpless . Part 21 . January 7 , 2000 8 : 59am Cecilia never felt so helpless . Octavio had always gone out of his way , done the near impossible to help her and others . As a doctor , he had given up so much of his life to healing others and giving them second chances . Now , he was being operated on , and she could do nothing to help . " Nothing happens just because , Cecy , " he had once told her . " There 's a reason for everything . " She could not see the reasoning behind him being so sick now . He , who had done so much for humanity , now lay dying on a cold surgical table . Where 's the reasoning behind this ? " God takes care of us and doesn 't let bad things happen that are not for our own good , or for His glory . " Part 22 . January 17 , 1947 . Between 3 and 4 am . The snow was getting thick . It had been cold for so long that every flake was sticking to the ground and accumulating fast . Octavio 's old Chevrolet was big and heavy , so staying on the barely paved road was not a problem . Seeing the road itself was another matter . But this was neither the first nor the last time he had driven in bad weather . He remembered visiting family in the United States , up north , where the winters were harsh . It was not as bad as the famous " blizzards " they had up there . But most of the time , his mind was focused on where to go , in what order and how to go about getting all the supplies he needed . Why am I doing this ? He asked himself . The answer was simple , and it had always been there . He smiled when he thought about it . Suddenly , a pair of headlights appeared in the rearview mirror . Then another pair appeared . The vehicles were coming up behind Octavio at a very fast speed . He slowed down and moved closer to the shoulder of the road . It looked as if they were both going to pass him . But only one vehicle did , and it swerved in front of Octavio , making him drive off the road into a snow bank . He jumped out of his car , his heart racing . He didn 't know what was going on . Three men got out of the pickup truck behind his car , and Randy Hilliard stepped out of the car that ran Octavio off the road . " What do you want ? " Octavio asked them . The snow was coming down a bit heavier , and the wind was howling . The men were quiet as they approached Octavio . They clenched their fists . There was going to be a fight . Back at Carlo 's home , people began arriving to be with the family during Mateo 's illness . It was tradition to be there when the illness was worse and to be there should death come . It was tradition that men of the age and stature of Mateo did not die alone . The women brought pastries and other comfort foods . Then they , the women , went to one of the house 's rooms to pray . They prayed to the saints , to the virgin , to Christ and to God . The men sat around the living room , quiet , thinking of their own mortality and how a man as powerful and rich as Mateo could be brought down like the rest of them . When they were done beating him , the men threw Octavio onto the snow bank and kicked him each one last time . He was covered in blood , and his arm was broken . One of the men got into Octavio 's car and backed it out of the embankment . He then went in reverse a few hundred meters , gathered speed , and floored the accelerator , hurdling the car towards Octavio . The car hit the snow embankment and landed on top of Octavio . Laughs could be heard as the man got off the car . " Alright , we 're done here , boys . Let 's go get us some warm soup or something , " Randy told them . The snow kept coming down . Dr . Chavez was in Mateo 's room . He was in a chair , reading a book , but his well - trained ear listened to Mateo 's breathing . Dr . Chavez could tell Mateo was having problems moving air in and out of his lungs . The fluid in the lungs was becoming more in volume and thickness . Dr . Chavez looked at his watch . It was almost four in the morning . He said a small prayer for Octavio when he looked out the window at the falling snow . Something was not right . As it hit his face , the cold snow brought with it some relief to Octavio . Cold was always the best treatment for pain . And his face hurt a lot . His arm was numb . " Pinched nerve , " Octavio muttered as he felt the broken bone in the arm but no pain . He got on his feet , looking down at the gap between the ground and the car that the snow made , keeping him from being crushed . Octavio smiled . It was those quirky , unexplainable things that convinced Octavio he was being watched over by a higher power . When he climbed into the car , it sank into the snow . He would have been crushed then . The big , heavy Chevy did not have a problem backing out of the snow bank and back on the road . He took a deep breath and started to drive , checking the rearview mirror for any threats . The lights from Chihuahua City could be seen in the middle of the snow as Octavio drove through a pass and into the valley where the city was built two hundred years before . It was a beautiful city , flanked on every side by a mountain range . It was fairly high in elevation , but the kind of weather seen that night was very unusual . Octavio drove slowly through the streets as he made his way to the University 's campus . The streets were empty , and the tall buildings that delineated the blocks were a very sharp contrast to Camargo 's small houses made out of adobe and bricks . The tallest building in Camargo was the church by the town square . The tallest buildings in Chihuahua were the State Congress Building and the cathedral . It was now past four in the morning , and Octavio arrived at the home of the Dean of Medicine . Doctor Ernesto Licón opened the door , wearing a flannel pajama under a cotton robe . " Octavio ? What happened to you ? " " Sure , boy . Come in … What happened ? " He let Octavio in from the cold and into the warm living room . He then grabbed his medical kit and pulled out gauze to clean Octavio 's nose and mouth . " Thank you , " Octavio answered . Doctor Licón left the room , and Octavio walked to the fireplace to get warmer . He touched his face and felt the dried blood scrape off . His arm was starting to hurt . When Dr . Licón returned to the room , Octavio asked him to make one more phone call . Octavio pulled out the documents given to him by Mateo Durazo . " These people are being treated like animals , Doctor . And we need help to stop it . " Dr . Licón nodded as he read through the papers and looked at the pictures . Part 23 . January 17 , 1947 . 10 : 00 am . It was not until ten in the morning when Octavio drove back into Camargo . The snow had stopped falling , but it had accumulated a good bit on the ground . Actually , it accumulated a whole lot to people who had not seen snow ever . The back seat of his old Chevrolet was full of boxes , the trunk with oxygen tanks . A truck followed close behind , and it was Dr . Licón with his son , Arturo . The truck bed was also filled with supplies . A third car , with Dr . Bermudez from the State Health Department followed them also . Finally , a series of cars and trucks with federal troops was coming from the city . But they needed to organize before getting to Camargo . They unloaded most of the supplies at Dr . Chavez 's office , where there was already a group of people waiting to be seen . " You go ahead to your patient 's home , Octavio . Doctor Bermudez and I will start treating people here , " Dr . Licón told Octavio . He wasted no time to get into his old car and head down to Carlos ' . Once at Carlos ' house , Octavio walked in through the front door with a bag full of more antibiotics , fever - reducers and pain medication . He had in it also more intravenous tubing and syringes . He carried an oxygen tank on his shoulder . Everyone in the living room , those who had come to send off Mateo , did not understand who Octavio was and why he was there . After all , Octavio looked hardly like a doctor in their minds . He had on a pair of denim pants , old boots , and a beat up shirt stained with his own blood . Carlos walked up to Octavio but said nothing ; he was obviously surprised to see Octavio alive . Octavio looked at the people in the living room . He knew exactly why they were there . Cecilia was sitting among them , looking very tired . Octavio looked back at Carlos . " Tell them to go home , " he said to Carlos , " Your Father is not dying today . " Then he started walking to Mateo 's room . Cecilia looked at Carlos ' reaction and smiled . " That 's good . That 's good . I 'll get back to the office . " Octavio agreed . He was ready to treat Mateo on his own . " Let me know if you need me . " Mateo then opened his eyes . " There 's a method to my madness , " Dr . Chavez said gleefully . Octavio agreed . All those days of reviewing only one thing at a time , of only practicing one thing at a time … All those days were bearing fruit . Octavio was indeed ready . After being informed of the efforts underway at the office , Doctor Chavez left to help . Meanwhile , Octavio changed the medication in Mateo 's intravenous drip . He also gave Mateo medication for the fever and the chest pains he was having . A few minutes later , Mateo 's wife , Esther , walked into the room . " Doctor , why don 't you go get some coffee and some breakfast . You must be tired and hungry . I 'll look after Mateo and come get you if I need you . " Octavio was hungry and somewhat tired . He was used to being up throughout the night and studying , broken arms and bruised ribs were not in his training curriculum . He needed that coffee , and some aspirin . The kitchen was decorated with all sorts of pottery and pots and pans . There were preserves and jams in a glass door cupboard . The icebox was big , and , Octavio would bet , full of good things to eat . The kitchen was also decorated with incredibly delicious smells of fresh - baked bread and fresh - brewed coffee . Octavio walked over to a basket filled with pastries and took one . He then walked to the wood stove and poured a cup of coffee on a big mug he found next to the stove . He grabbed his coffee and his pastry and placed them on the kitchen table . He sat down and sighed . He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling . Why me ? He asked himself . The answer popped in his head and made him smile . A steady set of footsteps walked up to Octavio from behind . He lowered his head , knowing it was Cecilia . He did not feel like talking to her . She was taken . Talking to her would mean that the rush of feelings would come back and he would be lusting after a woman not meant to be his . Cecilia pulled out a chair next to Octavio 's and sat down . Instinctively , she hid her hands from his sight . The ring , she thought , would hurt him . She was right . " Why do you hide it ? " Octavio asked . " Are you ashamed ? " " Good for you . " His carefree way of answering to her news bothered her a bit . " But you 'll be back to him in due time . " " It needs to end , Octavio . I need to be free from his grasp ! He was the first boy I was intimate with , the one who 's been there with me , controlling me , since I was thirteen . He haunts my dreams , and he controls my actions . I can 't live like that . " She raised the gun toward herself . " Cecy … Don 't . " Octavio 's voice cracked . It was the same crack in his voice he got in his dreams when they became nightmares and he tried to cry out . He could not move . Fear was getting the best of him . " No , " Cecilia replied , " I want you out of my life . " She then raised the gun and aimed it at Carlos . Her green eyes were oceans of tears . Almost instinctively , Octavio stepped in front of her , between the gun and Carlos . " What are you doing ? " She asked . " Those people ? " Carlos intervened . " Those people don 't know what freedom is ! They 've been slaves in one way or another , to their town chiefs , to their police , to their poverty , to their alcoholism , to their god . I 'm giving them honest work , away from a life of crime and poverty . " Hearing this , Octavio turned to Carlos . " You have a strange sense of liberty , Carlos , " Octavio said to Carlos . Then Octavio turned to Cecilia . " And you put the gun down before you kill one of us , or both . " Octavio came closer to Cecilia and took the gun from her hands . He put it in his pocket then reached and hugged Cecilia . " Let 's get you out of here , love . " " No . She 's my woman . You are not leaving with my woman ! " Carlos clenched his fists , ready to stop Octavio from saving Cecilia . Cecilia then took off her ring and threw it at Carlos . It fell to the ground . Carlos tackled Octavio , and they both wrestled on the ground . Cecilia stood back and watched . Carlos reached into Octavio 's pocket , trying to grab the gun . Octavio tried to protect his pocket and land a few punches on Carlos ' face . Suddenly , two shots rang out . Octavio turned to Cecilia and motioned at her to run . His hand was covered in blood . Panicking , Cecilia ran out of the kitchen and down the hall to the main entrance . The hired help and a maid were running toward the kitchen to see what happened . As Cecilia opened the front door to get out , not knowing where she was going , just knowing she needed out … Right at that moment , Federal Agents and soldiers rushed into the house . Once of the agents held a search warrant up in the air . Part 24 . January 7 , 2000 . 9 : 45 am . The surgery was over . The surgeon finished writing his notes and put on his lab coat . He walked out of the surgical suite and looked for the waiting room . He walked in to find Cecilia all alone , dozing off on the couch in the middle of the room . Sensing that he was in the room , Cecilia woke up and straightened herself up in the couch . She saw that the surgeon , a younger man with a growing beard and red hair , had a blank expression on his face . He walked to the couch and sat down next to Cecilia . " Mrs . Ortiz ? " Cecilia nodded . " The surgery is over . " Cecilia sighed when she heard that . " We had to end it early because his heart is giving out . He is not as strong as he used to be , Mrs . Ortiz . " She knew . " Maybe , if he gets stronger … " But he would not . She knew that , too . He was very weak from an entire life of fighting . He fought disease . He fought hunger . He fought injustice . He had a long life . And it was in remembering this that Cecilia understood that maybe his time was here . " I need to talk to my son before we make any decisions , " Cecilia said with tears in her eyes and rolling down her face . Both the surgeon and Cecilia knew Octavio 's time to rest was near . " I really need my son , " she said . Part 25 . January 15 , 1954 . 8 : 05 am . It was a very cold winter morning when Ricardo Francisco Ortiz was born . He weighed a healthy 4 kilos and 350 grams . His father picked his name in honor of Doctor Ricardo Chavez , who died two months earlier . When Cecilia opened her eyes a few hours later , she saw Octavio sitting in a rocking chair , rocking back and forth , and holding their baby boy . It was the perfect fruit of a perfect love . " Good morning , Sunshine , " Octavio said at the sight of Cecilia 's wide - open eyes . Cecilia smiled back . " Look at him , Cecy . He 's a very handsome baby , " he said . " He is … And he 's ours forever , " she noted . Octavio stood up and brought the baby to Cecilia 's side . He leaned over and kissed her eyebrow , right above her eye as she was taking the baby . " Cecy , thank you . " " More every instant than the instant before it , Cecy … And this baby just the same . The love just keeps on growing … " He stared at her and smiled , then reached and scratched the baby 's head . Part 26 . January 7 , 2000 . 9 : 31 pm . Octavio opened his eyes to the sight of Cecilia and Ricardo . He knew exactly what was happening . There was no life support apparatus . Only a few intravenous drips were delivering fluids and painkillers ; No heavy drugs to keep his heart going , no feeding tubes . A lonely " beep " could be heard now and then as the telemetry unit monitored his heartbeat and respirations . But he did not feel the pain that came with dying . He reached out his hand and Cecilia took it . She squeezed it hard , and he did the same . " Hi , love , " he said with a weak voice , " How are you ? " Cecilia smiled , but she was crying . " Don 't say that , Dad , " Ricardo repeated . " You 're going to be okay and back to finishing your book in no time . " Octavio looked at his son . Where there once was an anxious little boy afraid to go to school for the first time now stood a man who was out in the world , making that world better … Saving that world . " It 's true , Ricardo . You are a doctor . You know my condition . " At hearing this , Ricardo lowered his head . A tear was finding its way down his face . " I am with you both , " Octavio said , " and I always will . I had a good life . It had more ups than downs … more dreams than nightmares . I 'm very happy with the way it is ending and the new life beginning . " Part 27 . April 3 , 1953 . 1 pm . The wedding took place on a beautiful spring day . The sun was out and cotton - like clouds dotted the sky . Birds sung songs of praise , and a cool breeze relaxed everyone 's thoughts . The old church , the tallest building in Camargo , was filled with people that day . The little boys and little girls ran around in the church garden , like they always did . Behind the church was a large ballroom where the reception would be held immediately after the wedding . Later that evening , it would be set up for the party to celebrate the couple . The church was filled with people , and Octavio , his younger brother and his Father were at the altar , waiting for the bride . " Nervous ? " David , Octavio 's brother , asked a rather pale - looking Octavio . " Oh , I 'm relaxed … It 's just that I 'm about to burst with happiness … " He turned to look at his brother and Father . " You know ? Like when you win the lottery ? Or end a war ? " " I wouldn 't know . I 've never won the lottery or won a war , " his Father replied . Both Octavio and David stared at their Father . " Well … Uh … Until I had you guys … But I never did beat your mother at an argument . " Octavio and David started to laugh . " There , Octavio 's color is back , " David noted . Suddenly , a white carriage pulled by four beautiful , gray and black and white horses stopped in front of the church . The organ player started playing the wedding march . About half an hour later , it was time to recite the wedding vows . Octavio looked into Cecilia 's eyes . Love , or the biochemical equivalent of it , flooded his mind and his heart . Octavio was a man of science ; so thinking of love on a purely spiritual sense was difficult for him . Octavio could not believe he had found Cecilia . He started talking , and everyone was quiet enough to hear his words . " For many years , I 've looked for happiness . I 've searched for in books , in knowledge , and in serving God and mankind . Then I saw your eyes and I was finally happy . Then I gave my love to you and you gave yours in return , and happiness does not begin to describe what I felt then . So I asked of you to spend your life with me , and you said yes . You are my love . Not this year 's love , or last year 's . You 're the one love that makes me happy , the one love I 'll treasure and protect forever . " Cecilia was crying and Octavio 's voice broke up . " Forever ! " he said in a loud voice as he turned to see the guests . He wanted to make sure everyone heard him . He wanted to be accountable to them as he was being accountable to God on that altar . Everyone smiled as he looked back at Cecilia . That rush of sunshine brightened his soul , like it always did . " Forever … " he whispered as he put the ring on her finger . Part 28 . January 7 , 2000 . 9 : 34am " … I meant when I said forever , Love . I will live in your heart , and in our son , forever … " Octavio smiled . Slowly and gently a sort of numbness came over him starting in his feet , then his legs , then his hands and his arms . " No ! Not yet , Amor Mio ! " Cecilia screamed . She was scared . She was angry . Octavio let go of her hand . " No ! No ! No ! No ! " she screamed . Ricardo came closer to them . A beautiful light began to fill Octavio 's world . Alarms went of from the telemetry units . Octavio had stopped breathing . Ricardo reached over and turned off the monitoring unit . " You said forever ! " Cecilia screamed as Octavio 's heart stopped and his body immediately began to get colder to Cecilia 's touch . Ricardo reached over and closed his father 's eyelids . He then held his mother in his arms . " You said forever ! " She screamed . But her voice began to be drowned out by her tears and sobbing . " Forever … " she whispered one last time before she sunk herself in Ricardo 's chest to cry the day away . Epilogue . June 8 , 2001 . 12 : 15pm Carlos Durazo walked out of the federal prison in Mexico City . Still in his old age and frailty he wanted revenge . His first sight of the world outside of prison was a very lively Mexico City , which had grown to and around the federal prison in the last fifty years . Waiting by a brand new BMW , an old friend of Carlos ' walked up to him . Carlos recognized him right away . " You look so much like your father , Robbie . " Robert Hilliard , Robbie , as his friends called him , smiled at Carlos . " That 's what I hear , " Robbie replied . Carlos smiled back . " We should get going , Mr . Durazo . It 's a long drive to El Paso . The old man is dead , but his family lives . " " Then the time is ripe for my revenge , " Carlos replied . He then limped around the side of the car to get in it . His left leg was paralyzed from the knee down from the two gunshots to it . It was a permanent reminder of what Octavio Ortiz had done to him . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

< a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / works / 4161282 " >< strong > The Hope To Keep On Going < / strong >< / a > ( 35395 words ) by < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / users / gabby227 " >< strong > gabby227 < / strong >< / a >< br / > Chapters : 15 / ? < br / > Fandom : < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / tags / Teen % 20Wolf % 20 ( TV ) " > Teen Wolf ( TV ) < / a >< br / > Rating : Explicit < br / > Warnings : Major Character Death < br / > Relationships : Lydia Martin / Stiles Stilinski , Scott McCall / Kira Yukimura , Allison Argent / Isaac Lahey , Melissa McCall / Sheriff Stilinski , Peter Hale / Natalie Martin , Braeden / Derek Hale < br / > Characters : Lydia Martin , Stiles Stilinski , Kira Yukimura , Allison Argent , Jordan Parrish , Scott McCall , Natalie Martin , Sheriff Stilinski , Melissa McCall , Isaac Lahey , Laura Hale , Braeden ( Teen Wolf ) , Derek Hale , Peter Hale < br / > Additional Tags : Depression , Moving On , Sheriff Stilinski 's Name is John , Alternate Universe - College / University , Alternate Universe - Human , Friends to Lovers , Baker Stiles Stilinski , Stilinski Family Feels , First Dates , Getting Together , Explicit Sexual Content , Cunnilingus , Blow Jobs , Shower Sex , Falling In Love , Past Lydia Martin / Jordan Parrish , Vaginal Sex , Allison Argent & Lydia Martin Friendship , Fluff and Angst , Angst with a Happy Ending < br / > Summary : < p > It 'd been six months to the day that Jordan - Lydia 's life , her love , her best friend and her everything - had died over in Afghanistan . He had been a part of the Stilinski family , so Stiles had lost him , too . Can they help each other through the grief of losing someone so important to each other , and maybe move on along the way ? < / p > It 'd been six months to the day that Jordan - Lydia 's life , her love , her best friend and her everything - had died over in Afghanistan . He had been a part of the Stilinski family , so Stiles had lost him , too . Can they help each other through the grief of losing someone so important to each other , and maybe move on along the way ? I realize I 'm in the middle of a few stories right now , but plot bunnies are hitting me HARD lately . This actually started as just a what if thing in my head and then before I knew it , I was writing it . I have to thank stydia - fanfiction and Shae both over on tumblr for putting up with my rambling emails and asks and talking plot points through with me , and also for letting me bounce ideas off on the both of them . I marked major character death , but it 's already happened . Any of the Parrish / Lydia relationship is all in the past , as Jordan is already dead by the time the story opens . As usual , I have no updating schedule . Just please try to be patient with me . It 'd been six months . In fact , it 'd been six months to the exact day when Stiles came into her apartment and sat on the edge of her bed . " Lyds ? " he 'd asked . " Hey , Lydia , it 's me . " She poked her head out from underneath the comforter she was cocooned in and said , " Hey , Stiles . " " Hi , Lyds . " He watched her closely . " The doorman let me in . He knows me as . . . as Jordan 's brother . " It made Lydia 's stomach sink . She wanted to cover her head back up and slip into a deep sleep . She had sleeping pills for this very occasion . She had gotten them after . . . well , after it happened , and just kept getting them refilled . And she didn 't have to work if she didn 't want to . Sure , when it happened , Lydia had been in the middle of her junior year of college , studying mathematics , but she just quit . Just dropped out , because she felt like her life was ending . It 'd been six months to the very day since Jordan - her life , her love , her very best friend - had died over in Afghanistan . Six months since she had gotten the news . She wanted to crawl into a hole and die because she had loved him so very much and then he was just . . . he was just gone . So she just was . She locked herself in her apartment , didn 't go for her morning jogs , she didn 't even have friends over . She was quite content in just existing . Of course , Allison and Kira understood - Lydia had known they would - but they would sneak in with the keys they had made that they got from her mother . Natalie Martin was a wonderful woman , and a wonderful mother at that , but she did whatever she could to make sure that her daughter had what she needed . And she was the only one who had an emergency key . But when Jordan had been killed in that bombing , she got concerned . " Lyds ? " Stiles said gently . He licked his lips and watched her closely . She poked her head out of her cocoon and just watched him , her green eyes brimming with tears . " I know it hurts , Lyds . God , I know it does . It hurts just as much for me , Scott , Melissa and my dad . But you 've gotta go on living . Lyds , Jordan - he would want you toChapter 2 Well , fight was such a strong word , and not entirely accurate . Natalie Martin was sitting in the recliner in Lydia 's living room , legs crossed at the ankles and watching her daughter intently . Lydia was standing , pacing back and forth . Stiles had known Lydia for a long time and he knew that she only did that when she was really frustrated . They both glanced up when they heard Stiles come in , but didn 't say anything right away . " It 's not a death group , dear . It 's a support group . It 's a place where people who 've lost loved ones can go to get support , hence the name . They understand what you 're going through , Lydia , and I think it 's important that you go . " " I don 't see what 's wrong with that , " Stiles said . He saw the look Lydia shot him , but tried not to let it bother him . " I mean , this has been really hard on you . " This whole scene was almost unbelievable to Stiles . He would believe it , though , just because he 'd known the Martins for a long time , but it still made him laugh internally . Lydia was freaking out , practically yelling at her mother , but Natalie was the picture of calm . She didn 't even look fazed at all . She didn 't even look the slightest bit angry . She might have passed for worried , but she really didn 't look that , either . " I think it 's a good idea , " Stiles said , trying to ease the tension between Natalie and Lydia . Well , the tension he could tell Lydia had , anyway . " If it makes you feel any better , I 'll go with you . " " Of course I will , " Stiles said . " You weren 't the only one who lost Jordan , Lyds . I think it 'd be good for the both of us . " " So you guys are going to the support group together , then ? " Scott asked later that day , during their weekly video gaming marathon . With them in college , they didn 't have a whole lot of time anymore , especially with them both working , but they managed to get together once a week to game . Stiles shot at a zombie onscreen before looking at Scott , " Of course I am . Lydia is my friend and I 've been worried about her for a long time . She isolated herself from everyone , and you 've known Lydia as long as I have - it was really out of character for her . " Stiles paused before looking over at Scott , " Besides , dude , I lost him , too . " " You sure this has nothing to do with the fact that , even after all this time , you 're still madly in love with her ? " Scott asked . Stiles paused their game and looked at his best friend incredulously . " You 're not as subtle as you think you are , Stiles , " Scott said , watching Stiles ' confused expression . " Besides , man , I remember when Jordan and Lydia started dating in the first place . Don 't you ? " Of course he remembered . They had been sixteen and Stiles had been madly in love with Lydia for a long time before that . He had had his eye on her ever since the third grade when she , in front of everyone , told Stiles that he was an idiot for thinking that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the best dinosaur because it was big . When she started to list the reasons that other dinosaurs were better than him , Stiles was hooked . In the beginning , it was her brain that he was in love with . She was smart , so fucking intelligent that she could tell you twenty reasons why you were wrong and make you believe that you were a complete idiot by the end of it . He knew he had felt that way more than once . It was the summer vacation between tenth and eleventh grades for Stiles , which meant that Jordan had just graduated in May . Stiles loved having him as a brother - Jordan meant a lot to Stiles , and they had grown close since the sheriff had taken Jordan in when he was eight . Sophomore year had been a milestone to Stiles , though , because he had finally gotten Lydia Martin to notice him . Sure , they weren 't a thing , but she knew he existed , and they even talked to one another and hung out . You could even say they were friends . That was one of the things that Stiles had wanted more than anything . During the summer , Jordan was working part time filing paperwork down at the police station . He was going off to college in the fall , and Stiles was pretty sure that this was a way that the sheriff could spend a little more time with Jordan before he went off . Of course , he was just going to Berkeley , but Jordan had pretty much been like a son to John for the last ten years and he worried about him . Besides that , everyone at the station loved him , and they were pretty sure that Jordan was going to make a great cop one day . " What are you doing here , Lyds ? " Stiles asked , his voice still laced with sleep . Hey , it was the first day of summer vacation and she showed up at his house at nine in the morning . Who the fuck even did that when they could sleep as late as they wanted ? She gave him a look that made him feel like a complete idiot before sighing deeply and saying , " I want to go down to the police station . Last night , my mom and I made cookies and she made me promise that I 'd take some down to the sheriff . I actually had to hide them so my dad wouldn 't get into them , and here , " she handed Stiles the top container , " This one 's for you . My mom thinks you 're a nice boy . But anyway , I don 't wanna go down there alone , and everybody knows that you practically live down there . So I thought you could go with me . . . I mean , if you wanna . " Stiles nodded , " Sure thing . Give me twenty minutes to get dressed and brush my teeth . " He motioned into the house and Lydia stepped over the threshold , " You can watch TV or whatever . I won 't take that long . " " He ever say anything about me ? " " Where is this going , Lyds ? " Stiles said , trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice . Here she was , his first crush , his first love , starting to sound like she was going to ask Stiles to set her up with Jordan . " Yeah , but I haven 't actually talked to him in forever . I thought you could break the ice for us a little bit , and . . . " her voice trailed off . But Stiles got what she wasn 't saying . After that day , Lydia and Jordan were seen around a lot of the time together . When Jordan left for Berkeley to go to college , Lydia was known to drive up there every so often and spend the weekend with him . Even though Stiles had the biggest crush on Lydia , he felt her happiness was more important , and that 's all he really cared about . He needed her to be happy . " Dude , everyone knew how you felt about Lydia , " Scott said , talking as if Stiles hadn 't zoned out in the first place . " When she and Jordan showed interest in one another , you stepped aside , ' cause you 're a good guy . You 're a nice guy and all you care about is her happiness . I get it , man . But even after all these years , you still love her , and I get that . But if you wanna do this group therapy thing with her , I think you should . I mean , you 've got it practically the worst out of all of us . " " Because you lost your brother , but at the same time , you love Lydia . And she 's taking Jordan 's death really hard , and you have to see her deteriorating like this . It 's gotta be really hard on you , man . " Stiles shrugged , " I wanna see her happy , man . I mean , yeah , I love her , even after all this time , even though she was engaged to the guy who was practically my brother , but at the same time , even if she never picked me and moved on to someone else , I 'd still wanna see her happy . That 's all that matters to me . " Scott clapped him on the back . " C ' mon , man , " he said . " This shit has gotten so depressing . " He motioned to the zombies on the TV screen , " Let 's kill these motherfuckers . " They were lying in bed together , one of Lydia 's favorite positions to be in with Jordan after making love . He was spooning her from behind , her head rested on his arm , which was stretched out under her . He kissed her shoulder before saying , " Hey , Lyds ? " " I think I wanna go into the army , " he said . " I 've been thinking about it a lot . My parents , you know , they were both in the army . That 's how they met , in fact . And I . . . I 've always wanted to do their memory some good , you know . I think I should do this . But if you aren 't okay with it , I won 't do it . Us , together , I want to make sure everything is a partnership . " When Lydia woke up , she was extra groggy . She hated dreams like that . Everything was fucked up in her head , and she dreamt memories like this pretty often . The psychiatrist that her mother had made her see after Jordan died told her that this was a normal part of the grieving process . While grieving was different for everyone , Lydia couldn 't help but feel like she was cursed . She glanced at the clock , which told her that it was only five after eight . She knew that Kira got up early because she and Scott went running before Scott 's ten o ' clock class and they liked to run the path in the woods that Kira had found a while ago while exploring . Honestly , leave it to Kira and Scott to turn running into a couple 's activity . They 'd probably be back by now , so she reached over and grabbed her phone off the nightstand . " Yeah , " Lydia said , sighing . " Look , Kira , I had a dream and I don 't really wanna be alone right now . Are you busy ? I mean , do you have class ? " " Not today , " Kira said after a moment . " Scott 's got class at ten , but I 'm free all day . You want me to come over ? I can be there in twenty minutes . " After they hung up , Lydia got out a simple light blue dress and that 's when she realized - not only was today the first day she actually felt like wearing clothes in who knew how long , but this was Jordan 's favorite dress on her . After a few moments of debating it in her head , she decided to wear it anyway . Maybe it 'd make her feel close to him . Ever since Jordan 's funeral , she 'd been wearing mostly pajamas . But for some reason , she actually felt like wearing clothes today . Scott nodded , " Yeah , it has . I 've got class in an hour , but I wanted to check up on you . I mean , I know that Stiles was here yesterday , but we 've known each other a long time and I wanted to make sure that you 're okay . " " I felt like it , " Lydia said when she got back . " I haven 't felt like it for a while , but I thought this was a good day to do that . Besides , in case you haven 't heard , my mom signed me up for a support group thing , so I 've gotta get used to dressing in normal clothes and going out in public again . I might take a walk or something later just to get myself used to the outside again . " Lydia shrugged , swallowing before saying , " I , uh . . . it was about Jordan . I dream my memories sometimes , and that 's why they hurt so much . It feels like the wound is being reopened so it can rip me apart one more time . " Lydia nodded , " It does . I just . . . Kira , I miss him so fucking much and for a long time it felt like I 'd never be able to move on . And now , things are getting better , and Stiles is going with me to that support group thing tomorrow , but I . . . I never wanna forget him . Never . " " And you won 't , " Kira said . " I know you probably won 't believe me , but you 're never gonna forget your first love . And even if you do move on , you 're not hurting his memory , Lyds . Jordan would want you to be happy . " " Of course I am , " Kira said , making Lydia laugh . Then , after Scott told them he had to go to class and kissed Kira goodbye , Kira looked at Lydia , " You wanna queue up Netflix or something ? Let 's watch a movie or something . " I am SO sorry it 's taken me this long to update , but I was having a major block pertaining to all of my stories . I finally got some inspiration a couple of days ago and this is the result . Thanks for sticking with me and being so patient ! I know I say that practically every time , but I really do appreciate it . Lydia nodded and stepped aside . She noticed that John was carrying a box . He set it down on the coffee table before looking at her , " I know it 's been about six months since Jordan died , but I got a package today . It 's his personal effects that the military sent to me , since I was his guardian and he didn 't have any living relatives . " John watched Lydia for a good moment before saying , " I brought them because I figured they should belong to you . You guys were engaged , and as far as I 'm concerned , you were a part of this family . " Lydia could feel the tears start to leak from her eyes when she leaned over and pulled John in for a hug . He hugged her back for a moment , and when they pulled apart , Lydia looked at John , " Thank you . I mean , I really appreciate it . " John nodded and sat down on the couch , with Lydia taking the seat beside him . " I was gonna have Stiles drop them off , " he said , watching her closely , " but I just figured it was something that I should do myself . Besides , it 's been a while and I wanted to see you . " " Look , Lyds , " John said , watching Lydia closely . " I know that you lost Jordan , and I know you probably don 't feel like you 're a part of the family anymore . " He cleared his throat and then took a drink of his water . " I want you to know that Jordan was not your link to the Stilinski family , okay ? With you having been engaged to Jordan , and with you and Stiles so close , I 've been thinking of you like my daughter for a long time . Don 't think that just because Jordan 's gone , you should stay away , okay ? I love you like you 're my own kid . : " Tears were starting to leak from Lydia 's eyes , but she didn 't want to cry right now . Instead , she said , " Thank you , Sheriff . I think of you guys as family , too . " " Good , " he said . " And call me John , please . But for now , how about you come around for dinner tomorrow night ? Stiles said you 've been getting up and out more often now , so I thought a nice family dinner would be good . You bring your mom , too , if you want . " " Can I think about it ? " Lydia asked timidly . " It 's not a no , it 's more like , I want to think about what I want to do . Is that okay ? " " What 's that box ? " Stiles asked later that night when he came through Lydia 's front door . He didn 't even knock anymore ; Lydia was pretty sure that Natalie had given him a key as well . " It wasn 't here the last time I was . " " Your dad was here earlier . He didn 't tell you ? " Lydia asked from where she was browning beef in her open kitchen . " I thought he would 've . " " He didn 't mention , " Stiles said . " But then again , he and I didn 't really talk today . He was busy with a case . " Stiles nodded . A couple of minutes passed and neither one of them said anything . Even though it was silence , it was comfortable . That was one thing that Lydia really appreciated about her relationship with Stiles ; when they were quiet with one another , it was never uncomfortable or awkward . Lydia shrugged . " I haven 't been inside your house since . . . " her voice trailed off , but they both knew what she didn 't have to say . Lydia hadn 't been inside the Stilinski house since Jordan had left for Afghanistan . The last time she was in that house , Jordan was alive . " Look , Lyds , " Stiles said after a moment . " If anybody understands what you 're going through right now , it 's Dad . He was a real mess after my mom died . He gets what you 're going through . It really wouldn 't be a big deal , and I know Dad would be cool with it . " " So does this mean you 're coming ? " Stiles asked . He looked hopeful . " ' Cause that would be really awesome . Y ' know , to have dinner with you again . " " That 's not what I meant , " Stiles said . " It hasn 't been a Stilinski family dinner with you in a while . I think it would be fun . " " What was I even thinking ? " Lydia asked Kira and Allison as she paced back and forth in her bedroom that night . After Stiles had gone , Lydia had called Kira and Allison to come over . They sat in her bedroom , on her bed , and just watched her . " I can 't go over there tomorrow night . I haven 't actually been in that house since . . . " her voice trailed off . Her breaths started coming out ragged and that 's when Allison jumped up . Lydia wasn 't known for having panic attacks , but they did happen sometimes , and had started after Jordan had died . Allison steered Lydia over to the bed and sat down beside her , rubbing her back and trying to get her to breathe . She whispered soothing words into her ear and tried to calm her down . After about ten minutes of that , Lydia 's breaths started to change and she was breathing calmly once more . " That 's one of the reasons right there , " Lydia said , once she was breathing normally . " I might have a fucking panic attack right there in the living room . They don 't need to see that . " " Well , maybe I do , " Lydia snapped . Then she sighed , " Look , I know that they 're trying to connect with me . I get that . And I love them - I really do . It 's just . . . they were my connection to Jordan , and now that he 's gone . . . " her voice trailed off . " I know it 's hard , Lyds , " Allison said . " But they 're family , and if you ask me , you guys need each other . " She sighed , " The way you avoided the Stilinskis and McCalls after Jordan died . . . it did more harm than good , if you ask me . " " She 's right , " Kira said . " They missed you , and Scott always told me that he felt bad because you wouldn 't be avoiding them if they didn 't have that link . This is something you need to do , Lydia . You guys need each other . " Lydia sighed , " Sure , I get it . " She watched the other girls carefully before saying , " I hate to kick you guys out , but I need to go to bed . You don 't have to leave , but . . . " When her voice trailed off , Kira and Allison looked at one another before nodding . " I need to go anyway , " Allison said , getting up . " I 've got a shit ton of homework this weekend . Isaac 's coming over early tomorrow to help me get started . " " Me too , " Kira said . " We 'll see you later , Lyds . " Lydia hugged each one of them in turn , and they left . When she settled down in bed , Lydia drifted off in what she hoped would be a dreamless sleep . Jordan once told Lydia that he loved running in the preserve . He liked the scenery , and he liked how peaceful and quiet it was . He ran the trails back by the Hale house and even though , technically , that was private property back there , he and Derek were friends , so nobody really cared . " Because , " Allison said , setting up a target , " colleges look for extracurricular activities on applications . I thought it 'd be a good idea for you . Besides , you like learning new things . Haven 't you ever wanted to try ? " " There 's a difference between you and me , Ally , " Lydia said , watching her friend carefully . " The difference is that you actually have good aim . You 're not going to accidentally shoot someone . " Allison spent the next half hour teaching Lydia how to stand , teaching her how to hold the bow and shoot the arrow . " It 's easy , " she had told her , once Lydia was ready to try to shoot the arrow on her own . " I know you can do this . " Lydia drew the string back and shot the arrow . It missed the target , just like she knew it would , but then they heard a blood curdling scream . Lydia dropped the arrow and started running to where she heard the scream . She was horrified when she saw Jordan crouching on the ground , an arrow in his leg . " Great , " Lydia said . They helped him to the hospital , though , and Lydia was grateful that Melissa was working . While another nurse took Jordan back , Melissa looked at the girls , " What happened ? " " Lydia accidentally shot Jordan with an arrow , " Allison said to Melissa . She steered Lydia over to a chair in the waiting area and started rubbing her best friend 's back , trying to get her to calm down . " It was a total accident . I didn 't even see him , and I was looking around . " " Lydia , you need to breathe , " Melissa said , noticing that Lydia was in the starting stages of a panic attack . " C ' mon , match my breathing . " She grabbed Lydia 's hand and put it on her pulse point on her wrist . " See how steady my pulse is , how steady my breathing is ? Try to match it . " " He 's going to be fine , " Melissa said to John . " Dr . Connors came and talked to me about it . He was shot in the calf , and it 's going to hurt for a while , but no permanent damage was done . " Lydia was starting to panic again . Oh God , she was definitely going to go to jail for this . Stiles sensed Lydia panicking , though , and he came over to her and started rubbing her back . He helped her through it a lot quicker than when Melissa had done it , and John looked at her . " You shot him ? " " It was an accident , " Lydia said . " Ally was teaching me how to use a bow and arrow . We were in the preserve , with targets . I didn 't see him . I 'm so sorry , please don 't send me to jail for this . " John sighed , " Jesus Christ , I told him not to run in the preserve for this very reason . " He ran a hand over his face and then looked at Lydia , " It 's fine , sweetie , okay ? Just breathe . I 'm not gonna send you to jail for this . It 's going to be okay . " After Jordan was released from the ER , Lydia came over every day for a week . It was summer vacation ; she didn 't really have much else to do and she wanted to fix her mistake . That 's when they really started to click . She would bring him cookies and talk to him for hours . It was then that they realized how much they really liked each other , and even though Lydia was sixteen , it was that summer that Jordan had asked her on their very first date . The sheriff seemed to be cool with it , and Lydia knew her parents wouldn 't care . She 'd been seen around with college guys , so this wasn 't anything new . Her parents weren 't exactly neglectful , they were just . . . distant . When Lydia woke up from her dream / memory , she was a little groggy , so she just lay in bed for a while , remembering . Even though she had shot Jordan in the leg with an arrow , Jordan had seemed to take it in stride . It quickly became a joke between the two of them , and nobody really understood , but that was just the way they were . Lydia was nervous . She knew how ridiculous that sounded . There was a time where the Stilinskis were practically Lydia 's family , and she went over there to have dinner with them all the time . John and Melissa were practically extra parents that weren 't really hers , and they watched over her and talked to her , and even lectured her when she did something wrong . She had no reason to be nervous . John had told her that he wouldn 't be home until after six , and even though Stiles had his own apartment now , he always came home to have dinner with John and Melissa at least once a week . He was going to Beacon Hills University , as well as the rest of their friends , so it wasn 't that far for him . Even though Lydia knew that John wouldn 't be home until after six , Lydia found herself at the Stilinski house a little after four . She just hoped that Stiles would be there . She stood at the front door for a while . She let ten minutes turn into fifteen turn into twenty , and then the door was being flung open . Stiles stood there , flour on the old , faded BHPD shirt he was wearing and a mess of flour on his forearms . " Why are you just standing out here ? " Stiles asked . " How 'd you know I was here ? " " I saw you out the window , " Stiles said . " You 're a mess , " Lydia laughed . " Yeah , well , I 'm making cookies . Sugar cookies ; they 're Melissa 's favorite and she needed a pick me up . She 's been picking up extra shifts at the hospital and I just wanted to do something nice for her . " Lydia nodded . Stiles motioned for her to come in , and he shut the door behind her . " So why were you just standing out there ? " he asked her again . " I was fighting off a panic attack , " Lydia replied , deciding to be honest . She didn 't miss Stiles ' frown when she said it , though . " Since when do you have panic attacks ? " Stiles asked , heading back into the kitchen . Lydia followed him . " Since Jordan 's death , " Lydia said quietly , hoping that Stiles wouldn 't catch it . Instead , he just looks at her . " Oh , sweetheart , " Stiles said , not even aware that he just gave her a pet name . " I 'm so sorry . " " I really don 't want you to go , " Lydia said , the night before Jordan was to be deployed to Afghanistan . " I mean , I 'm gonna miss you a whole lot . " " I know , " Lydia said . " And I don 't want to ruin your plans - not that you can go back on them or anything . Don 't worry about me , okay ? I 'm going to be fine here , and I 've got Scott and Stiles to look after me . " There were so many things swirling around in Lydia 's head , and she knew that the big one was the fact that he could get killed . Jordan could die over there , but she wasn 't stupid enough to voice that fact . She wanted Jordan to do what he needed to do , and he couldn 't be worrying about her while he was defending his country . It was something that he needed to do , Lydia understood that much , and she didn 't want his mind elsewhere during the fight . " If something happens to me over there , if I actually do die , I want you to promise me that you 'll date again . I want you to find happiness , okay ? I want to make sure that , even if I do die , you 're going to be at peace . So just promise me that if something happens to me , you aren 't going to give up on life , okay ? " " It 's war , Lyds , " Jordan answered . " You never know what 's really going to happen . I just need you to promise me this . " Unlike the other memories that Lydia kept having about Jordan , this one stuck in her mind . When she awoke from that dream , she just sat there for a moment in her bed , dumbfounded . Were her dreams trying to tell her something ? She had never given much thought to dream interpretation . Allison had been convinced in high school that every dream meant something , but Lydia was more logical and was pretty sure that the mind just worked in mysterious ways . Glancing at the clock , Lydia realized that it was still the middle of the night - 3 AM . She knew that Stiles was probably still up , though , so she sent off a text . It was just a basic , You up ? She wasn 't surprised when , not even two minutes later , she got a reply text , Yeah . Something wrong ? Lydia sighed before texting , Can I call you ? The response Lydia got to that was her phone ringing . She answered it when she saw that it was Stiles . " Something wrong , Lyds ? " Stiles sounded concerned . " It 's nothing to be truly concerned about , " Lydia said , sighing . She ran a hand through her hair and then said , " I 'm having dreams . And I don 't wanna be alone right now . I know it 's the middle of the night , but nobody else is a night owl like you are , and . . . " her voice trailed off . Stiles seemed to understand , though , when he said , " I 'll be over in twenty minutes . Maybe sooner than that , I 'm not sure . I 'm putting on my shoes right now . " " Thanks , Stiles , " Lydia said softly . She knew that she could depend on Stiles , and that gave her a warm fuzzy feeling inside . She didn 't want to question why , but she knew that Stiles would do anything for her , and she was pretty sure she 'd do anything for him , too . I haven 't had a whole lot of time to update , so I 'm sorry that I 'm doing it now . I 've had this chapter written for a little while , but life is just busy right now . Anyway , comments & con / crit is welcome and I hope you guys enjoy the chapter . " So , do you wanna talk about it ? " Stiles asked as soon as he came into Lydia 's bedroom and sat down on her bed . " I mean , it may help . " " It wasn 't a nightmare , Stiles , " Lydia said . She sighed and ran a hand through her hair . " It was a dream - a memory . " " You dream your memories ? " Stiles asked . " Is that even normal ? " Lydia shrugged , " The mind works in weird and mysterious ways . I saw a psychiatrist after Jordan 's death , and he told me that what 's normal for some people isn 't for others . People grieve in all kinds of different ways . " " And this is the way you 're grieving ? Panic attacks and dreaming your memories ? " Lydia shrugged again , " I just . . . I don 't like being alone after I have a dream like this . I prefer to have company . I used to call Kira , but it 's the middle of the night and you are the only one I know who 's actually up at this hour . " Stiles nodded , " So what do you need from me ? " Lydia sighed , " There should be one of Jordan 's t - shirts and a pair of pajama pants in the bottom drawer of my dresser , if you wanna change . I just need someone to hold me . " Stiles nodded , " Sure . I can do that . " After he changed and lay down next to Lydia , Stiles put his arms around her . Lydia lay her head on his chest and sighed . " I 'm sorry , " she said , after a few beats of silence . " You shouldn 't have to do this for me . " Stiles nodded , " I 'm always gonna be here for you , though , Lyds . We 've been friends a long time and I just want to make sure you 're happy . " " Really ? " Lydia asked . " That 's it ? " " Yeah , " Stiles said . " I just want to make sure that you 're happy . I love you , Lyds , and I want to make sure that I can do everything I can for you . " " Thanks , Stiles , " Lydia said , letting herself smile . " You don 't know how happy that actually makes me . " Stiles sighed , " Actually , I think I do . " - x - When Lydia awoke six hours later , she felt well rested . She didn 't have a dream about Jordan , and even though it was weird , she didn 't think much else about it . She wasn 't used to sleeping with people , though , so she wasn 't sure if it was because Stiles was there thatChapter 6 I 'm sorry this has taken so long , but my muse has been in and out , and I 've been super stressed with some real life events , so I haven 't really had a lot of time for writing . I want to thank Jeneane for talking to me about this and dealing with my rambling asks and emails . I really do appreciate it , sweetie ! Once again , comments & con / crit are welcome . " How 'd you get her to agree to come ? " Scott was asking Kira later the next day . He had come home after his noon Biology class and was getting ready to take a short nap before they went out later that day . When Kira had told him that she had gotten Lydia to agree to go to the movies later that day , he was ecstatic . Kira just shrugged , " Just told her it wasn 't a date . Just some friends hanging out . I even invited Ally and Isaac , but Ally said they were busy . " " Big French test coming up , " Scott said , yawning . He stripped his shirt off and climbed into bed . " French is important to the Argents . They usually go to France in the summer , or at least they did when I was in high school . Ally was never around to hang out because she always went to France with her parents . " Scott yawned again . " When Ally 's mom died when we were sophomores , Chris stopped going every year . It was just too painful without his wife . But Ally still goes every now and again , her grandparents live over there and she loves spending time with them . " " What 'd her mom die of ? " Kira asked . She 'd never ask Allison - she wouldn 't want to bring up any bad memories for her . Kira remembered when her own grandmother , to whom she was very close , died of a heart attack when she was a kid . It 'd been a really difficult time for everyone in her family and even now , Kira had a hard time with it sometimes . " She was mugged . Wouldn 't give up her purse and the dude stabbed her . It was a difficult thing for everyone because Beacon Hills isn 't a dangerous place . Sure , we 've got our problems and everything , but we 've never been , like , New York bad or anything . " Kira nodded , " Yeah , I get that . Did they ever catch the guy who did it ? " Scott nodded , " Yeah , John caught him . But before he could take him into custody , the dude shot himself . He died on impact and I know sometimes John still wishes he could 've brought the guy to justice . But I know that Chris slept a lot better knowing the dude was dead . " Kira nodded . Scott leaned over and gave Kira a kiss , " How about waking me up in a coChapter 7 " This is a surprise , " John said as he walked into his house at the end of the work day on Wednesday afternoon and saw his son sprawled out on the couch , flipping through the channels on TV . He took a whiff of the aroma that was in the house and said , " Is that steak ? " " Pot roast , " Stiles answered . " I thought I 'd come over and make dinner for you and Melissa . " " That 's really sweet , son , " John said . He hung up his jacket before saying , " What do you want ? " Stiles almost looked offended , " Why would I want anything ? Can 't I just come home and have dinner with my parents without any ulterior motive ? " " You can , " John answered , " but you never do . Out with it , Stiles . What do you want ? " Stiles sighed , flipping off the TV . Dinner was going to be ready soon , anyway . He better get started on the gravy for the potatoes . " It 's actually something I wanted to talk to you and Melissa about together . " " What 's wrong ? Did something happen ? Is Scott okay ? " " Relax , Dad , everything 's fine . Scott 's fine , I just need an opinion on something from people who can give an informed one . " John followed Stiles into the kitchen as Stiles started on the gravy for the potatoes , " Does this have anything to do with Lydia ? " " Jesus , Dad , how do you do that ? " Stiles asked , grabbing a few key ingredients from the cupboard . " Seriously ? " John shrugged , " I 'm the sheriff , son . It 's my job to notice the things that people try to hide . " " Look , " Stiles said , watching his dad closely . " It 's just that . . . Lydia was engaged to Jordan . And she really loved him , you know ? " Stiles started stirring his gravy as he watched his dad carefully . " And I get that . And I was really happy for them , because they both deserved to be happy . I put my feelings aside for Lydia because I loved both her and Jordan and wanted them to be happy . " John nodded slowly , " Sure . " " But Jordan 's gone now . And he 's been gone for almost eight months now . And I understand how much that could hurt . I mean , sure , I don 't know what Lydia 's going through because I 've never been through it myself , but I know that she ' Lydia , If you 're reading this right now , it means I 'm gone . I 'm really sorry about that . I wish I could still be around for you , but you 're a strong , independent woman and I know you are going to be able to go on living . I 'm sure that you 're still good friends with Scott and Stiles . And if you 've been avoiding them because of my death - don 't . Stiles was my little brother , and I mean as much to him as I do to you - in a different way , of course , but the point still remains . Lyds , Stiles loves you . And even though he 's loved you like a friend for a long time , I 'm talking about a romantic kind of love . He had a crush on you for a long time , but when he saw that we were interested in one another , he put his own wants on the back burner . He always told me that when you love someone , you want their best interests at heart , and he knew that you and I loved each other . Seeing you happy was all he wanted , even if it wasn 't with him . What I 'm trying to say is if you and Stiles want to get together , want to date , want to be with one another - I want that for you . Stiles is my little brother and you were the love of my life - I want you both to be happy . And if that 's with each other , I want nothing more . I know you won 't forget me - either of you . And I want you to know how much I love you - I really do , Lydia . But fate has decided it 's my time , and you promised me that you 'd keep on living , so please do that for me . Lydia wiped a stray tear from her cheek as she folded up Jordan 's letter . He wanted her to be happy , and Stiles would make her happy - so that 's what she was going to do . She needed to call Stiles . - x - Lydia had called around ten o ' clock that morning , while Stiles was just getting out of the shower . Stiles answered it in a rushed , " ' lo ? " " Hi , Stiles , " Lydia said . " Are you working today ? " " Yeah . My shift start in about an hour , actually . " " When 's your lunch break then ? " " I get half an hour at 3 : 30 , " Stiles answered . " Lyds , is something wrong ? " " No , " Lydia said . " There 's just something I need to talk to you about , and I 'd prefer to do it face to face . " " Okay , " Stiles said . " You wanna meet me at the bakery around 3 : 30 ? We can decided if we wanna just get a sandwich next door or whatever . " " Sure , " Lydia said . " Sounds good , Stiles . " " Great , Lyds . I 'll see you then . " On his way to work , and even after his shift had started , Stiles wondered what Lydia could want to talk to him about . Part of him wondered if someone had told her about his feelings and she was going to confront him about them . However , when Lydia met him outside the bakery at 3 : 30 , he was pleasantly surprised . " You wanna go grab a couple of sandwiches ? " Stiles asked her . Lydia shrugged . " I 'm not all that hungry . But you should eat . " When they were sitting in the sandwich shop , which was next door to the bakery , Lydia watched Stiles carefully as he took a bite of his sandwich , and then chewed it thoroughly . After a few minutes , Lydia broke the silence . " I opened that box of Jordan 's stuff last night . " Stiles nodded . " It was because of Kira and Allison . They thought that maybe Jordan left something for me . " She saw the way that Stiles was looking at her , but tried not to think anything of it . " They were right . He left me a letter . " Again , Stiles nodded . " I brought it with me , " she said , fishing the letter out of her purse . She handed it over to Stiles , who read it . His eyes got wide . " Stiles , are you in love with me ? " Lydia asked softly . " Was he right ? " Stiles swallowed the luChapter 8 Oh my God , you guys , I 'm so sorry it 's been so long ! I 've had quite a few things go wrong in my real life , and I 'm visiting my mom right now and her internet 's really sketchy , in and out all the time , so the connection isn 't very good . I hope this chapter makes up for it ! Once again , I 'd like to thank Jeneane for helping me out with plot points and just making sure the chapter doesn 't suck in general . Thank you so much ! Also , I updated the tags and please notice that the rating has been changed . There is smut in this chapter , and mine is pretty damn explicit . So don 't say I didn 't warn you . The next day , Lydia was a mess . Around four o ' clock , she called Allison , who she knew didn 't have any classes or work on Fridays , and Allison came over around four - thirty . " Why are you panicking , Lyds ? " Allison asked , as she watched Lydia pace across the living room . Allison was the picture of calm right then - she was just sitting on the couch , legs crossed , and she was trying to figure out what exactly was going through Lydia 's mind . They 'd been friends a really long time - since they were sixteen - and she knew that Lydia would say what the problem was eventually , but something was bothering her . Lydia stopped pacing after a moment and then looked over at Allison . " Ally , this is bad , this is so fucking bad , " Lydia said , looking at her best friend . " Stiles and I are going out on a date . " " Yes , " Allison said , nodding her head . " Are you just now realizing that ? " " I 'm twenty - two years old , Ally , " Lydia said . " I 'm twenty - two years old and I haven 't been on a date since I was sixteen . I don 't even know - what the fuck do you do on a first date , anyway ? " " Lyds , I need you to stop panicking , okay ? " Allison asked softly . She patted the couch cushion next to her , " Come sit next to me , okay ? " Lydia did just that , plopping down on the couch beside Allison and looking at her curiously . Allison took a deep breath before saying , " Lyds , you and Stiles have been friends for a really long time . We were what , in tenth grade when the two of you started hanging out ? " Lydia nodded , " Yeah . Sure , I 've known him a really long time , but this is different . I 'd never seen him romantically until about a month ago , and I don 't know what the fuck I 'm doing . " " What you 're doing is you 're going to get yourself in the shower . I 'm going to go into your closet and pick out the perfect outfit for a first date , and you 're going to put your clothes on . Then we 're gonna do your hair and your makeup and maybe talk for a while as we watch TV or listen to music or something . It 's going to be fine , okay ? " Lydia nodded , " Sure . " " So go get in the shower , " Allison sChapter 9 I know I just updated , but since I 've been at my mom 's , her internet has been in and out . Yesterday it went out and it just came back on about half an hour ago , so during that time I didn 't have internet , I did some writing . I 'm going back home to better internet tomorrow afternoon , but hopefully this chapter will tide you guys over until I get the next one written ! The next morning , when Lydia awoke , she saw that the bed was empty . Normally , she would 've been worried that Stiles skipped out on her , but she could hear him whistling downstairs in the kitchen . Lydia knew that Stiles whistled a lot of the time when he was baking . Getting out of bed , she pulled on a shirt and a pair of shorts and went down the stairs . She stopped in the kitchen to just watch Stiles as he continued mixing something in a bowl . He looked happy - he had a smile on his face and he looked like something spectacular had just happened . And maybe it had . He had spent the night with Lydia last night , and he was in love with her . Lydia felt like they had connected during their lovemaking , and maybe Stiles felt the same way . Oh , who was she kidding - of course Stiles felt the same way . And while Lydia wasn 't in love with Stiles - at least , not yet - she felt very strongly about him . " Hey , you , " Stiles said , and it pulled Lydia from her thoughts . She noticed that Stiles was leaning against the counter , just looking at her . " I see you finally got up . " When Lydia glanced at the clock , she saw that it was almost one o ' clock in the afternoon . " Wow , " she said . " I didn 't mean to sleep so late . " " Eh , it 's okay , " Stiles said . " You were pretty wore out last night . " Lydia rolled her eyes and then said , " Don 't look so smug , Stilinski . Maybe I always sleep this late . " " I know you , Lyds , " Stiles said , coming closer to her . He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck . " I know how much of an early bird you are . " Stiles left a few open mouthed kisses on Lydia 's neck and then leaned up to kiss her lips , but Lydia pulled away . " I haven 't brushed my teeth yet , " she said , but Stiles just reached up to tilt her chin so he could kiss her anyway . " I don 't care , " Stiles said . " I want a kiss . " So Lydia let him kiss her . When the kiss turned hungry , with Stiles attacking Lydia 's mouth with his own , Lydia kissed back just as eagerly . But then Stiles broke the kiss . " Sorry , " he explained , " but I 've got cinnamon rolls in the oven anChapter 10 Wow you guys , it 's been a long time ! I 'm so sorry about that , but a couple of weeks ago I had a pretty bad sinus infection , and spent the whole week not being able to sit upright for more than 15 minutes at a time . And then I was hit with pretty bad writer 's block pertaining to this story , so I sat down and reread it early this morning to try to get some inspiration for it . Inspiration did come , and this was the result . As usual , comments & con / crit is welcome and appreciated . After leaving his apartment , Stiles and Lydia decided they wanted to go out . At first , they weren 't exactly sure what they wanted to do , but then decided to see a movie . There was the new Captain America playing at four o ' clock , and while action movies weren 't usually Lydia 's go to , she did like them on occasion . After getting their tickets and popcorn , they went into the theater and watched their movie . During most of the movie , Stiles had his arm around Lydia 's waist , and he leaned over and placed a kiss on Lydia 's temple . Even though this was a last minute date , Lydia was still really contended . After their movie was over , it was almost six - thirty , and Stiles turned to Lydia as they left the theater , " You hungry ? " Lydia shrugged , " I could eat . " They decided on a small Italian place that Lydia loved . As they were waiting for their food , Stiles looked over at Lydia . " So I talked to Scotty when I was at the apartment , " he said , taking a sip of the Pepsi he ordered . " He said we should talk . " " Okay ? " Lydia said , even though it sounded like a question . " What are we talking about ? " " We went on a date last night , and spent the night together , and we 're on a sorta date right now , and I need to know - are we together ? I mean , like dating ? Not just going on dates , but dating in a way that we are together together ? " Lydia nodded , " I thought so . I mean , do you not want to be my boyfriend ? " Stiles shook his head , " No , that 's not what I mean . I want you to be my girlfriend - God , Lyds , I 've wanted nothing more than that for a long time . I just want to make sure we 're on the same page . " Lydia nodded , " Oh , okay . Cool . " She took a drink of her own Diet Pepsi as their food arrived . Lydia was a little giddy about this revelation . And not only was she having good food with her now boyfriend , Lydia really enjoyed being around Stiles . Because , not only were they dating and that made Lydia happy like it was an early Christmas , but they were close friends and they never ran out of topics to talk about . They were able to talk about pretty much aChapter 11 Wow , you guys ! It 's been almost a month since I updated last ! I 'm so sorry about that . I 've been preoccupied with about a thousand different things and haven 't had much time to write . I hope this chapter makes up for it ! " What 's wrong with throwing Lydia a birthday party ? " Stiles asked , glancing around at their group of friends . " I mean , really ? Turning twenty - three is a big deal . " " Actually , it really isn 't , " Allison piped up from where she was cuddling on the loveseat with Isaac . She had turned twenty - three a few weeks prior . She looked up at Stiles and said , " It 's just another day . " " Well , it 's a big deal for Lydia , okay ? She 's had so much doom and gloom the past year , I think a celebration would be good for her . But the thing is - I 've always sucked at arranging parties . The queen of parties in Beacon Hills is Lydia , but I don 't want her to know about this one . " " Huh ? " Scott asked , like he wasn 't even paying attention . Kira didn 't look upset , however ; she looked worried . Whenever Scott zoned out like that , it meant he was deep in thought , and most of the time , that never ended well . Stiles sighed , " Look , I 'm just trying to get some happiness in Lydia 's life right now . After everything she 's been through in the last year , she really deserves it . Whether or not you guys are in , I 'm doing this . " " We can 't exactly make you do it by yourself , " Allison sighed . " Lydia is my best friend , and I wouldn 't forgive myself if I didn 't try to help you make her birthday a good one . Isaac and I are in . " Kira shrugged , " Are you sure you want to do this ? This party for Lydia ? Because I can understand if you don 't , if you 'd rather take her to a nice dinner or something , she might like that better . " Stiles sighed , " Lydia 's been through a lot in the past year . And not only does it seem like she 's been getting happier lately , but she 's dating again . Nobody was expecting that , and I really just want to make her happy . That 's all I 've wanted , is for Lydia to be happy . She isn 't going to hate me over one surprise party . I think you guys are just making a bigger deal out of this than necessary . " Kira sighed . " Fine , " she said . " Count Scott and me in . Come up with a guest list and we 'll take care of the rest . Your job , Stiles - your only job , Stiles - is to keep Lydia occupied . Keep her busy . " That Saturday , Stiles had to work , and Lydia declined any offer to hang out from any of her friends . She had something she wanted to do . After getting up and around , eating a bowl of cereal and stopping by Laura Hale 's flower shop , she drove to the cemetery . It 'd been a while since she 'd been here , but she set the flowers down in front of the headstone , sighing to herself . Jordan had been buried next to his parents ; that was an executive decision that John himself had made . He had even talked to Lydia about it , even though she had been confused at the time . John was his guardian , and didn 't need her permission to bury Jordan wherever he wanted to . Lydia stood on the grass in front of his headstone , just standing there for a few moments . The grass was wet with the morning dew and it was starting to soak through to her skin through her open toed shoes . " I haven 't been here in a while , " she said after a few moments of silence . " I 'm sorry about that . I 've been really busy . And I know that isn 't really an excuse , but I 've had to work up to the courage to get here . " She sighed again and then continued , " I read your note . The note you wrote me in case something happened to you . And Stiles and I have started seeing one another . I really like him , Jordan . He 's a great guy and he treats me really well . " She let out a deep breath before saying , " I just . . . I feel like a failure here . I know he 's in love with me , and I like him , too , but I can 't get you off my mind lately . And I know that Stiles is going to want to do something big for my birthday , but part of me just wants to wallow . I did a lot of that after you died , but I just . . . he deserves better than me , Jordan . He does now and probably always will . " Lydia paused , taking a moment to get things clear in her head . She then said , " I miss you , though . I think about you a lot , and I know Stiles does too . You had a way of making me feel whole - making me accept myself so much better whenever you were around . And even now , I worry that I 'm not enough for him . I kind of wish you were here to tell me what to do . You weren 't just my love , Jordan - you were my friend , my best friend , and I hate that you 're not in my life anymore . " She felt a little dumb about just talking to a headstone , and then she sighed and said , " I love you , Jordan . I probably always will . " She took one last look at the headstone and then turned around , wiping the tears that had accumulated in her eyes , and then walked away . " You 're being weirdly quiet , tonight , " Stiles said to Scott later that night . After what Scott had observed at the cemetery , he wasn 't sure how to bring it up to Stiles . He knew that he wasn 't supposed to see that , but he was leaving from visiting Jordan 's grave when he saw Lydia walk up . She looked like a woman on a mission , and Scott was pretty sure that Lydia wouldn 't want to see him , so he hid behind a tree . He felt a bit like a coward for hiding from her , but then she started talking , and Scott had been curious , even though , technically , he had been eavesdropping . When Scott didn 't respond to what Stiles had said , he looked at him . " What 's wrong , buddy ? " Stiles asked , looking into Scott 's eyes . " Anything I can to help ? I 'm a great listener . " Scott nodded . " So , I went to the cemetery today , " he started . " It 's been a while since I 've visited Jordan 's grave , and I thought it 'd be nice , you know ? Just to sit with him for a while . " Stiles nodded , so Scott continued , " I was leaving when I saw Lydia there . She was walking up to his grave , so I started to leave . She looked like a woman on a mission , like she didn 't want to be disturbed . So I kinda hid behind a tree and listened to her talk to him . " " So what 'd she say ? " Stiles asked after the moment had gone . " I mean , that 's what you 've been trying to tell me , right ? That she said something you don 't think I 'm gonna like . " Scott shrugged , " I dunno , dude . I just worry that she 's gonna do something to sabotage your relationship , you know ? Make you leave - kinda push you away . " When Stiles got to Lydia 's apartment building , he took a few deep breaths before nodding at the doorman , who let him into the building . He had known Stiles as Jordan 's brother , but since Stiles and Lydia had started dating , the guy seemed more open and friendly to him . He nodded back as he opened the door , and Stiles let out a " Thanks , dude , " as he walked into the open door . He took the elevator to Lydia 's floor and walked into her apartment . She was sitting on the couch , flipping through channels . She looked over at Stiles when he entered . " Hey , " she said . " I wasn 't expecting to see you tonight . " " Don 't sugarcoat it , Stiles , " Lydia practically snapped . " If you 've decided to move on from me , it 's fine . I 'm a big girl ; I can handle it . " " That 's not it at all , Lyds , " Stiles said . " I don 't want to break up , okay ? I want to be with you for as long as you 'll have me . " Lydia sighed , but then looked at Stiles . " I 'm still afraid you 're gonna leave , " she whispered , almost so low that Stiles couldn 't hear it , but he caught it . " I 'm waiting for the day you 're gonna leave . " " He didn 't leave of his own accord , though , " Stiles said . " Believe me , Lyds , if he had had any choice at all , he 'd still be here with you . He never wanted to leave you . " Oh my God , you guys ! It 's been 3 freaking months since I 've updated this thing ! I 'm SO very sorry about that . I 've had a lot of family drama , a lot of real life / cousin drama , and haven 't had much time for writing at all . I 've also been stuck , but I think I 'm just getting my muse back . I have to thank Jeneane a thousand times , for all the help you 've given me , sweetie ! This story wouldn 't exist if it wasn 't for you ! As usual , comments & con / crit are welcome and greatly appreciated . Lydia 's birthday was in a few days , and so far , Kira and Allison had a pretty awesome party planned . They had talked to Natalie , and she had agreed to let them throw the party there . They would 've thrown it at one of their apartments , but were worried about space . Natalie had seemed pretty happy that they were doing this for daughter . " You guys are really good friends , " she said to them as Allison and Kira sat on her couch that afternoon , talking over preparations for the party . " You 're really good to Lydia , and I really appreciate that . " Kira nodded as Allison said , " Lydia 's been through a lot . We only want what 's best for her . " " Whose idea was this , anyway ? " Natalie asked , taking a sip of her coffee . " Who thought up the party ? " " Stiles , " Kira said . " It was all Stiles ' idea . " " Lydia told me they 're dating , " Natalie said . " How 's that going ? " " They seem to really like each other , " Kira said . " I mean , Stiles has liked Lydia for a long time , but I bet he never thought that she 'd like him back . " " They 're good for one another , " Natalie said . She had been friends with John and Melissa for a long time , so she had known both Stiles and Scott since they were little . " Stiles is a good guy , and Lydia needs one of those . " " She 's had it hard in the last year , " Kira said , taking a drink of the tea Natalie had brought her when they first arrived . " Our hearts really went out to her after Jordan died . " " I try to keep on telling her that it 's gonna get better , " Natalie said . She had lost her own husband several years ago , when Lydia was just a kid . That 's when she married Peter Hale . " Things are going to get better , but Lydia 's been stuck in the survivor 's guilt phase . She felt guilty about living , and I 've been trying to get her to live , because that 's what Jordan would have wanted , and everybody knows it . Why did she decide to date Stiles to begin with ? " " Jordan wrote her a letter before he died , " Allison said . " She told me all about it . He said that she shouldn 't feel guilty for moving on , and that Stiles has been in love with her for a Chapter 13 Wow , it 's been two months since I 've updated this thing ! I 'm so sorry , you guys , but I 've been busy , especially with a lot of family drama and haven 't had a whole lot of time to write . I also had a little bit of writer 's block pertaining to this story , but I definitely now know where I 'm going with it . Thank you guys for being so patient with me , and , as always , comments & con / crit are welcome and greatly appreciated . Getting Lydia over to Peter and Natalie 's that night wasn 't hard . After spending most of the afternoon marathoning Criminal Minds on Netflix , they decided to head over around six o ' clock . After Lydia had freshened up her makeup and curled her hair , Stiles thought she had never looked more beautiful . Well , that wasn 't true . Even though Lydia would never agree with him , Stiles thought Lydia looked the most beautiful right when she woke up in the morning , before the makeup , before she did anything to her hair . When she was just natural , she looked like a goddess . When they turned on the lights at the house , and everyone jumped out and yelled " Surprise ! " Lydia looked like she was going to faint . She didn 't look angry , though ; she looked kind of shocked . Then she turned to Stiles and said , " A surprise party ? For me ? " Stiles nodded , " Yeah . " He reached over and pulled her into a hug , mostly so no one would hear their conversation . " Are you mad ? " " Nah , " she whispered into his ear . " I 'm actually happy that you guys thought of doing this for me . " They pulled apart and Lydia gave Stiles a kiss on the lips that turned filthy until she heard the catcall come from the room . Lydia blushed as they separated . " This was all Stiles ' idea , Sweetheart , " Natalie said , coming towards her daughter to give her a hug . " He really wanted to do something for your birthday . " Lydia smiled at him , " Thank you , Stiles . It means a lot to me that you 'd go to all this trouble . " " It wasn 't just me , " Stiles said as other people were coming forward to wish Lydia a happy birthday . " If it weren 't for Ally and Kira , this would 've never happened . " Lydia went around and mingled with everyone that was there , with Stiles by her side . She struck up a conversation with Derek , Braeden , and Laura , and Stiles went over to talk to Scott . " How 're things , dude ? " Stiles asked . " Have you asked her yet ? " Scott had been getting lost in thought more and more , and Stiles knew it was because he was trying to figure out an amazing way to pop the question to Kira . After getting his blesNotes : So , don 't crucify me yet , okay ? There 's a method to my madness , and this had to happen . But the story isn 't over yet ! I 've got a pretty good idea of where I 'm going from here , so hopefully hopefully * crosses fingers * I 'll have more for you soon . I know I just updated , but this story is so close to being done , I want to finish it . There 's maybe two chapters left , I think ? Anyway , I hope you enjoy the chapter and , as always , comments & con / crit is welcome and greatly appreciated ! It had been three weeks . Once again , Lydia had barricaded herself in her apartment , not leaving for anything . The whole situation frustrated her friends , because Lydia had come so far in the last few months , and now she was right back where she started . Allison and Kira had broken into her apartment a week ago , but they wouldn 't tell Stiles what had happened , or what Lydia had said . They just told him that she was doing as well as she could be right now , and when the time was right , Lydia would talk to him . But Stiles felt like that time would never come . Because of what Lydia was going through , Stiles was somewhat in a slump as well . He still went to work , went to class , and made his dad and Melissa dinner once a week , like he normally did . But he spent most of his other time in his room , shooting electronic people . Kira and Scott worried about him . Stiles never shut himself down to anyone , so the fact that he was doing so really worried them both , especially Scott , who 'd known Stiles practically his entire life . That 's when they 'd hatched the plan . It 'd been Kira 's idea , but Scott decided to go see Derek himself , because he knew him better than Kira did . It was something Kira agreed to . When Scott showed up at the apartment Derek shared with his wife , he wasn 't sure what to think . Braeden answered the door , smiling at him , and let him inside . " Derek 's not here right now , " she said , offering him a freshly baked cookie off a plate . " Ever since finding out about the baby , he 's been driving me crazy . I finally got him to go do something productive . He 's at the station . " " You think he has time to talk to me ? " Scott asked , looking at Braeden . " I really need his help with something . " Braeden nodded , " Probably . What 's going on ? " Scott shrugged , " It 's nothing , really . I mean , it 's got to do with Lydia . " Braeden nodded . Since Derek had been Jordan 's best friend , Braeden understood what it was like to deal with someone who was in a slump after his death . Derek and Jordan hadn 't been co - dependent - not the way Scott and Stiles were Chapter 15 Hey guys , remember me ? This winter was hell , and I fell into a deep depression and had absolutely no ambition to write . Now that the sun is shining and I feel a lot better , I 'm working on updating my stories . I am really sorry that I kind of went MIA for a while , but I have a new chapter for you guys ! I hope everyone likes it ! " So you guys are back together again ? " Scott asked Stiles a couple of nights later as Stiles was getting ready for a date with Lydia . " And everything 's good between the two of you ? " " Things are great , Scotty , " Stiles said , standing in front of his closet . He was trying to figure out what to wear . There was a nice restaurant that Lydia had wanted to go to for a while but she never had the chance to go , so , to surprise her , Stiles had made reservations and decided to take her . He almost wasn 't able to make reservations , because the restaurant was always busy , but Peter knew the owner and was able to help them out . It was then that Kira came in to see them , and she asked Stiles , " What are you doing ? " " It 's okay , " Kira said . She glanced at Stiles ' closer for a few moments and then started pulling clothes out . She pulled out a white long sleeved dress shirt , a pair of black slacks , and a tie that was green . She handed them to Stiles and said , " Wear these . " Stiles was a little relieved that Kira was there to help him . He smiled and thanked her , and then the doorbell rang . Kira went to answer the door and Stiles started changing his clothes . If they were quiet enough , Stiles could hear Kira talking to Lydia in the living room . As he changed his clothes , Scott said to him , " I 'm really glad that you guys are back together , dude . It 's a good thing . You 're my brother , and I 'm always happy when you 're happy . " When Stiles went out into the living room about twenty minutes later , he paused when he saw Lydia . She looked absolutely gorgeous . She was wearing a slinky royal purple dress , tight in all the right places , and her hair was done in an intricate French braid . Her makeup was immaculate and she had a black clutch in her hand . She looked absolutely beautiful . Stiles and Lydia had agreed that Lydia would pick him up because the Jeep was in the shop again . Even though he had been having more and more problems with it , he refused to give it up . It had been his mom 's , and practically the only thing of hers that he had left , so h didn 't care what he had to do to make it run . He would do almost anything . They left not long after , and Lydia drove to the restaurant . It was in the next town over , only about twenty minutes away , and there was an awkward silence that filled the car . Stiles hated it . " Good , good , " Stiles responded . " Classes are good and I 'm close to finishing my degree . So close . I kind of can 't wait . " " I 've been looking around at different restaurants and things . I just . . . I wish I could open my own diner or something . I would love to be able to work for myself . " Once they were at the restaurant and eating their dinner , Lydia looked over at Stiles . " I know I 've apologized already , but I really am sorry about everything , Stiles . I know that I shouldn 't have shut you out like I did , but I was afraid . " The conversation seemed to pass easily - just like it did when they were dating the first time . Lydia knew that she shouldn 't have broken up with him to begin with - they were meant to be together . And part of Lydia wondered that if she had never read the letter Jordan left for her , would she and Stiles have ever gotten together ? That thought left her mind , though , when Stiles reached over and grabbed her hand . " So , Lyds , " he said , taking a bite of one of his breadsticks , " what was that , earlier ? I know you were thinking . " " Mom , Peter , " Lydia said , looking back and forth between them . " I think it would be a good idea . I 've thought it over very carefully , and I want to do this . Stiles deserves this . " " That 's not my plan at all , Mom , " Lydia said . She sighed heavily before saying , " My plan is to buy that old diner , over on Second Street . It 's been for sale for a really long time , and I know they will go down on the price if I asked them to . The diner 's been up for sale for almost a year , and they haven 't had any offers , so they 'll probably go for any offer they can get . And even if they can 't , you 're married to the smoothest guy I 've ever met . " She noticed the look of approval that Peter gave her , so she continued . " I 'm going back to school . To get my MBA . I can work there , and Stiles can work there , and until I graduate , Peter can help . In case you 've forgotten he has an MBA . " " I told you . I 've been trying to figure out what to do with my life . Remember , when Jordan and I first got engaged , I felt like I knew exactly where my life was headed ? Well , I want a changed . I want to invest in this restaurant . Stiles and I can run it together . " Procuring the building wasn 't hard . Lydia was pretty sure she could do it herself ; after all , Lydia Martin was an intelligent woman who knew what she wanted and how to go about it , but just for insurance , she took Peter and Talia with her . The Hales were respected in Beacon Hills ; after her father died , Peter took over as CEO for Martin Enterprises , and Talia was in the District Attorney 's office . They were both successful and nobody would ever go against them . Peter was good at talking business ; he was suave and charismatic , and could easily talk his way into anything . That was actually a trait that Lydia didn 't like at the beginning of his and Natalie 's relationship , since he could pretty much make anybody do anything he wanted , but he turned out to be a great step - dad . It was a good thing she took Peter with her ; she could tell my look on the agent 's face that he would 've taken advantage of her , given the chance . " So , are you telling Stiles about this ? " Peter asked , as he and Lydia were walking around the diner . It was pretty old ; if Lydia remembered correctly , the building had been in Beacon Hills for at least ten or twenty years . But the person who ran it died , and it had been up for sale for what seemed like forever . But when Lydia looked at it , she didn 't see an old , run - down building ; no , she saw an opportunity . " I 'm not sure yet , " she said . " He 's graduating from culinary school in six months , and I want it to be a surprise . Do you think we could get it fixed up by then ? " " I don 't know anything about these kinds of things , Peter , " Lydia said . " I don 't know what to do . That 's why I 'm depending on you for some help . " " Well , William is in construction , " he said , mentioning his brother - in - law , Talia 's husband . " I know that he could get the boys to help you , including Derek . Can Scott keep a secret ? " " We could call him , and John , too , " Peter said . " They probably don 't have a ton of time , but they 'll be able to help you out a little . And you know that John thinks of you as one of his kids . He would do anything for you . " " Let me make some calls , " Peter said , pulling out his tablet to make a list . " I 'll get started tomorrow morning . For now , try really hard not to let Stiles know what 's going on . Try to keep it a secret , if you can . " " You what ? " Allison , Kira , Scott , and Isaac were watching her closely as they sat in her living room . Se decided to talk to them , to see if they could help her out . But right now , they were just watching her like she was crazy . " I bought that old , run - down diner over on Second Street , " Lydia repeated herself . " I want to fix it up and run it with Stiles . He wanted something he can do after he graduates , and it 'll be a fun venture . I have a good feeling about that . " " Peter 's got some plans . I don 't know everything that is going on in his head right now , but he 's my adviser in all of this . He 's been running my dad 's company since Dad died , and he seems to know what he 's doing . He 's gonna talk to John , and to the Hales , and see what can be done . Mr . Hale , he 's head of a construction company , so Peter 's going to talk to him first . " " And this is definitely what you want to do , Lyds ? " Allison asked . " Because Kira , Isaac , and I can help . And I know my dad would pitch in , too , and so would Melissa . "

I was well over a year into my quest to become a prayer warrior and I was being beaten up . Negative thoughts were battering my mind , convincing me I was unlovable , worthless and foolish . My mind would be circling the drain before I even realized I was being pummeled . Though I continued praying , my knees became a scary place . An emotional place . A battleground . I 'm not even exaggerating . Before I left to spend Christmas in Oregon I asked God to intervene … in a big way . I knew I could not come home and continue interceding without having a complete meltdown or losing my sanity . It was pretty bad . It was so like God to meet my needs in an unlikely way . My daughter and her husband hosted a party Christmas Eve and I got to chatting with one of their friends . He had come to Christ at the very beginning of a twelve year prison sentence ; he 's been out for less than a year . He spent those twelve years getting to know Jesus and sharing the gospel with others . I asked him if we could talk about prayer and began to share what I was going through . His insight was remarkable , his wisdom life changing . I hope it changes your life , too . First , prayer is hard because it 's beyond our senses . We typically don 't hear , see , taste , touch or smell anything in response to our prayers . We are acting on faith that is beyond our senses as well . Prayer is other - worldly , it 's outside of our realm and in God 's realm . Realizing that has made a huge difference to me , it frees me from expecting it to be different . When we pray for someone faithfully , we don 't just sympathize with them ; we begin to empathize with them . We actually begin to feel what they feel … fear , despair , sadness , confusion . That 's where the emotion comes in . I want to be empathetic , but I need to be aware and not let the emotion master me , not let it sink me . It totally can so I need to be careful . My new friend told me a story about a man who came across a huge boulder in the road . God instructed him to push the boulder . The man spent the first day pushing with all his might ; at the end of the day his strength was utterly spent . The next day God again told him to push the boulder and the next and the next . Finally , in frustration and exhaustion the man yelled out , " God ! ! When will I move this boulder ? " God replied , " I didn 't tell you to move it , my son . I simply told you to push it . " Ephesians 3 : 20 says God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine . I believe that for those I pray for , but recently I 've begun to realize I need to believe that for my heart , that he can do amazing things IN ME . My friend assured me God will answer that prayer . I began that night to open up some places in my heart I was holding back . It hurts . But I 'm ready for healing . I used to have a problem . It was an insidious little thing . . . it only showed up once a year . It wasn 't something diagnosable , no medication would fix it . I suppose therapy could have helped . . . but I didn 't want to tell anybody the symptoms I suffered . So I kept my problem a secret and endured in silence , unable to share the pain and guilt that came from my clandestine behavior . I just couldn 't stand the suspense of not knowing what I was getting for Christmas . I 'd shake and rattle each box , then , when no one was home , I 'd find a sharp knife and carefully slit the tape . I 'd take a look inside and then tape things back up so well nobody ever knew . Or so I thought . One year I figured out a way to open my new Barry Manilow album and keep it accessible ; I could slide it out and play it whenever my mother left the house . My sister and I knew all the songs by Christmas morning . I remember coming up with some lame excuse why that was . . . but I 'm not a very good liar . Then or now . Mom got suspicious . The following Christmas I found three piles of presents hiding in my mom 's closet . None of them had nametags on them , but it was pretty easy to figure out which stack was mine . By the time I was done I not only knew what I was getting but I knew what my siblings were getting , too . I know . I was sick . My mother used to say I was only hurting myself by peeking . If that was the case , I was very willing to hurt myself . It was far less painful than living with all of those mysteries under the Christmas tree . The cure to my peekaholism seems to have been , surprisingly , age . I remember some pretty significant peeking episodes when I was in my twenties , but things have settled down considerably . I spent years coming up with splendid surprises for my kids . That kept me distracted . I was heading home from someplace far away and realized I didn 't have a book . I caved at the airport bookstore and purchased a copy of Twilight . I can hear you scoffing . But let me tell you something ; I couldn 't put the dang thing down . It 's kind of embarrassing to admit , but I inhaled it . The author was no Jane Austin , but there was just something compelling about the story line . I 'll give you a quick synopsis . . . Girl meets boy . They are inexplicably attracted to each other , but he fights it knowing it 's not what 's best for her . Girl discovers boy is a vampire . . . a good vampire who only dines on animal blood . Bad vampire tries to kill girl . Good vampire risks everything to save her because she is his one true love . Hey , it worked for me . Next thing I knew , Twilight became a movie . I convinced my girlfriend we needed to see it . . . I pretty much had to drag her there kicking and screaming . At first the movie seemed dumb and I felt a little sheepish . But then the story progressed and , well , eventually I leaned over to my friend and asked , " Is it hot in here ? " By the time it was over , we were both scrunched down in our seats like a couple of junior highers . We looked at each other and said , " Wow . That was really good ! " No , it wasn 't because there were a bunch of inappropriate love scenes . It was because there wasn 't . I know there are millions of opinions out there about Twilight , and my intent is not to disrespect those with opposing views about the books or movies . But I do want to say I get why they are so popular . The chivalry is the main draw , folks . Duh , it 's fiction and it 's not real . But there are a bunch of girls out there who want to believe chivalry isn 't dead . I 'm one of them . And if my one true love shows up with ice cold skin and pointy teeth ? One of my favorite family activities when I was growing up was driving " to the snow " . We would leave our warm San Diego neighborhood and drive a couple of hours into the mountains . When we came across a hill , we 'd stop and slide down it . We only went when it was sunny outside . I don 't remember ever owning any official snow gear ; we wore jeans and gloves and tennis shoes . And when we got cold , we went home . I 've learned a lot about living in the cold . In celebration of the - 2 degree temp I woke up to this morning , I 've decided to share some cold wheather wisdom with you . If you live in Alaska , you could probably add something to my list . If you don 't , I think you might learn a little something - something . 1 . Cars need to be plugged in when it 's cold outside . Those plug - ins hanging out of our hoods aren 't just for looks . They help our cars start . 2 . The best gloves are the ones you can find . They don 't need to match to keep your hands warm . 4 . Don 't spit your gum out and throw it in the front yard . If you do , it 'll be there waiting for you in the spring . I wasn 't really prepared for winter this year , it kind of caught me by surprise . I 'm glad it was dark outside when I hiked through two feet of snow in my flannel pajamas and polar fleece robe to retrieve the snow shovel . I wouldn 't want the neighbors to see . I stood on the sidewalk and tried to summon my courage . My big brother , several steps ahead , looked back and tried to goad me on . I wanted to . I had planned to . But I couldn 't . I was terrified . It was the picture of innocence any other day of the year . I played with the kids who lived inside almost daily . Though their mom yelled a lot more than mine did , she was pretty normal . Good grief , the house across the street was even pink . I timidly followed my brother up the driveway . I could hear spooky sounds coming from the open door ; I knew it was the sound track from Disney 's Haunted Mansion , but it didn 't matter . It was the epitome of creepy . Closer and closer we crept . It was dark inside the house ; I couldn 't see anybody . Then I heard the clanking . She walked down the hallway toward the door . She wore a loose white robe draped in chains ; chains that kept her earth bound , unable to enter into eternal rest . The nylon stocking over her head was needed to hold her decaying features to her face . She limped toward us , her eyes boring into my brain . When I was eleven or twelve , Mrs . Lloyd was asked to put together a haunted room for our elementary school carnival . We neighbor kids were asked to participate . One kid guarded the pot full of brains and eyeballs . Another lifted a big lid from a table , exposing a decapitated head that was still alive . My job was to sit in a chair with blood dripping all over me and look dead . I could hear people whisper as they walked by . I thought I was pretty convincing until I heard a boy arguing with his mother . " She 's not dead , Mommy . It 's just pretend . " He got closer and closer . . . and then . . . and then . . . he touched me . I like the public transportation there , it 's a tram called The Max . It 's affordable , user friendly and convenient . It 's great . And it opens my eyes . I 've had strong , healthy men ask me if I can spare a dollar . I 've ridden near a group of ridiculous teenagers speaking an unintelligable gang language I could not understand . I saw one guy get arrested the minute he stepped off the tram . Though some of these things have made me uncomfortable , the folks I find the scariest on The Max are those who never look around , never smile and never speak . That 's , like , everybody . Even when scrunched together shoulder to shoulder , the overwhelming majority of riders never look up , never say anything . . . they never really acknowledge there 's anybody else on the tram . I always find myself wondering about these people . Where have they come from , where are they going ? Do they have somebody waiting for them to get home ? Don 't worry , I 'm not going to start conversing with drug addicts and gang bangers the next time I ride The Max . But what if I bury my head and choose not to interact with somebody who needs an encouraging word ? Is there anything wrong with making eye contact and sharing a smile ? Cussing . I really , really hate it . Always have . I think it 's irreverent , degrading and cheap . I think it makes a man look weak and a woman look trashy . There was a group of kids that hung around the entrance to our Safeway store . They dressed in black , smoked cigarettes and cussed . They were scary and everybody I knew hated walking through them just to buy groceries . Lots of folks would go to a different store to avoid them , including my 17 year old daughter . I didn 't blame them , but it sure was inconvenient . I had complained several times to the management , but they said the cops were tired of coming around and unless this group of kids did more than loiter , they wouldn 't come back . I guess I can understand that from the cops ' perspective . It just seemed like the store should do something since it was their property and their business . Ever heard of private security , Safeway ? I stormed into the group of kids and told them I did not appreciate their language . There were little kids and older people within earshot of their filth every day . Besides , a lot of other people - including me - just didn 't like it . I told them I suspected their mothers probably taught them better and they should be ashamed of themselves . So there . I went into the store and immediately started shaking . Was I nuts ? ? A sane person would have told them off right before she got into her car and drove away , not before she intended to shop for 45 minutes . That gave them all kinds of time to plan my demise . I exited the store with trepidation . I 'm not sure what I was expecting , but I hoped if they planned to kill me it would be quick . I didn 't want to feel any pain . And I was glad I had recently purchased life insurance . Sure enough , three kids broke off from the pack and followed me to my car . " Ma ' am ? " the ringleader said . I hate it when people call me ma ' am . But considering the words I had heard out of the mouths of these kids , ma ' am seemed like a step in the right direction . " We would like to apologize . You 're right ; our mothers did teach us better than this . . . at least mine did . I 'm really sorry . " We stood there for 30 minutes and had a nice chat . I was able to to admire their tatoos and piercings up close . And I 'm pretty sure my ice cream melted . Let 's face it ; being from Alaska is a novelty . I doubt whether people from Nevada or Kansas or even Maine get asked some of the ridiculous questions we Alaskans do when we travel . " Alaska , huh ? Do you live in an igloo ? " There are locations in Alaska where it does stay dark in the winter pretty much all day . Thankfully , I don 't live there . In the dead of winter where I live , it gets light about 10 am and dark around 3 : 30 or 4 : 00 pm . I don 't have a window in my office , so if I don 't leave the building for lunch , I don 't see any daylight . I always leave the building for lunch . I had a girlfriend once who would not come over to my house at night in the winter because I didn 't have blinds on all my windows . It didn 't matter that my living room was on the second floor on a hill and faced a swamp where nobody would ever go . She was scared . And I thought she was silly . A couple of years ago somebody knocked on my door at 10 : 30 pm . I was just about to head to bed and it really startled me . I clicked on the front porch light and there stood a strange man . He was disheveled , unkempt . Because I 'm brilliant , I opened the door . He told me this story about his sister and how she sent him to borrow some items a man would never ask for . I told him I couldn 't help him , then closed the door and locked it . He hollered at me for awhile , then left . By the time I found my neighbor 's phone number he had already been to her door . We decided to call the police because it was just too weird . They drove around our neighborhood , but didn 't see him . I was surprised my neighbor opened her door to this creepy dude . What was she thinking ? She had little kids . . and besides , she 's smarter than me . Then I found out she answered her door brandishing a gun . What a woman . Now when I hear bumps in the night , I just click a button on my phone . I mean , I really lost my phone . Like , it was gone . Nowhere to be found . You may wonder how I knew it was nowhere to be found . Well , I have two cell phones ; one is my personal phone and the other is my business phone . When my brilliant son - in - law suggested getting another line , I ran to AT & T as fast as my Toyota could carry me . It made sense to have a line dedicated only to business , but , more importantly , I knew I 'd have a way to call myself when I couldn 't find my phone . I remember talking to a friend on my way to the store , so I knew it had to be there . HAD TO BE . I called the customer service desk . They didn 't have it , and they were getting ready to close . No time to send a search party . I immediately received a text back from my daughter . It said , " Who is this ? ? " My son didn 't recognize the number either . See why my other phone is so important ? ? ? ? The next morning I called the store again . Nothing . NOTHING . I was beginning to feel lost , disconnected , estranged . The truth is , I know very few of my friend 's phone numbers . My phone , on the other hand , knows all of them . It 's a sad state of things , but it 's the truth . About noon I decided to go search the store myself . I had been trying on jackets and sweaters , so I checked every pocket of every jacket and sweater in my size . No phone . I called my number thinking maybe I would hear it , but it went directly to voice mail . Nuts ! The battery was probably dead . The clerk opened her drawer and there was my phone . Somebody had turned if off , so I waited anxiously while it came to life . Just as I feared , I had missed something important . Lots of somethings important . I had twelve missed calls . TWELVE ! ! ! So . . . it 's an interesting thing , going on a date with somebody you don 't really know . All day long I kept telling myself it was just dinner , and everybody has to eat . Then I would think about how embarrassed I would be if I got home and found spinach in my teeth , or enchilada sauce on my blouse . That didn 't happen , by the way . I handled the day pretty well , but when I got off work I had two hours to kill . I didn 't want to sit around making myself nervous , so I started to clean the house . I had it completely spotless in an hour and a half . Then I attempted to get cute . . . but not too cute . A girl never wants to look like she 's trying too hard , but she doesn 't want to look frumpy either . It 's kind of complicated . I left my house . . . then decided I didn 't want to be too early . But I didn 't want to be late either . I took the back road to the restaurant . It worked , I got there one minute early . " Hmmm . . . . " I responded . I was thinking fast . " Not really . It 's just dinner and everybody has to eat , right ? Why do you ask ? " Dang , I forgot about my traitorous neck ! " Yeah , well , okay , I may have been a tad nervous , " I stammered . " But just because I 've lived here for 30 years and I know somebody will see me and give me a hard time tomorrow . " We had a nice time , we did . And I may decide to try this date thing again sometime . And if you see me , be sure to say hello . When I was a kid , Friday nights were TV nights . The Brady Bunch came first , followed by the Partridge Family . My siblings and I had our own designated seating assignments . I used to lay on the floor about four feet away from the television . I 've always hated wearing glasses . Within months , I lost my first pair . I remember trying to convince my mom they had to have fallen out of my pocket and down into the storm drain below our street . That was the only explanation because I had looked EVERYWHERE . I never did get those glasses back ; she never allowed me to climb down there and look for them . They 're probably still there . Remember those hard contacts people had back in the day ? I could never wear those . My best friend could pop hers out , stick it in her mouth to rinse it off , then pop it back in without needing a mirror . I was so jealous . When soft contacts became popular , I was first in line . I had several years of success wearing them . But for some reason after my son was born , I could no longer wear them . I have no idea why , but I totally blame him . Every couple of years I try them again , and every time I end up miserable and am reminded what tremendous sacrifices I 've made as a mother . You 'd think after so many years of wearing glasses , I wouldn 't have any problems . But I do . The older I get , the harder it is for me to get used to a new pair . It 's torture . My insurance pays for new glasses every two years , but about a year ago I was having a hard time seeing my computer . I needed new glasses , and I had to pay for them 100 % . I wear transition lenses , and let me tell you , they ain 't cheap . I liked the ones I bought , but I couldn 't get used to them . No matter how many times I had them adjusted , it felt like they were squeezing my head . They came with a warranty , so I exchanged them for the lightest pair available . The lady at the eye doctor said I would have absolutely no problem with these . . . and I payed an additional $ 200 . Ouch . Unfortunately that 's not quite true . I tend to eat more lunch when I 'm stressed . And more breakfast and dinner . Know what I mean ? This chain of misfortune started with my car . It had two leaky seals . I saw the boxes my new seals came in ; they were about the size of canning jar lids . Too bad I couldn 't pop my car into a pressure cooker and seal the leaks , it would have been much cheaper . You know , I always wonder if the guys who work on my car really work on my car . I had my transmission flushed once ; my car looked exactly the same when I picked it up as it did when I dropped it off . It ran the same too . How do you men know ? Maybe it 's a testosterone thing that this estrogen laden woman will never understand . And I am okay with that . Then my hot water heater died . It was a slow , painful death . . . I 'd known it was coming . Water kept raining down on the pilot light ; I was getting used to lighting it in the morning and waiting for 30 minutes before I took a shower . Finally , it gave up . Kaput . I mourned . A few days later , The Beast ( my quilt machine ) refused to go sideways . Funny thing . . . I found this random part under the table a few weeks ago ; for the life of me I couldn 't figure out where it came from . It seemed to work fine without it . . . until it didn 't . That part made it go sideways . Who knew ? Well , the repair man knew , but that 's beside the point . My brilliant ( and patient ) son - in - law spent two hours on the other side of a webcam trying to get me up and running again . We thought we had it , but when I heard him say , " Uh oh . That 's not good , " I knew it was over . As fun as it would be to feel sorry for myself , I simply can 't . God won 't let me . In retrospect , I can see the places he 's stretched my faith , and then provided . . . stretched my faith , and then provided , sometimes in truly humbling and miraculous ways . I think I 'm getting it . One year ago today , I began my prayer journey . If you 've recently joined this wild ride with me , here 's my original post about it . http : / / shelikesskirts . blogspot . com / 2011 / 03 / about - prayer . html I know this may sound terrible , but I 'm relieved to have this year over . I met my goal ; I prayed consistently every single day for an entire year . The pressure is off and now I can relax and let somebody else pray for a change . Prayer continues to be hard work for me . At the beginning , I hoped it would get easier , but it never has . I 've decided that 's because prayer isn 't about me at all . It 's about God and about others . . . and for some reason when something isn 't all about me , it 's harder . I hope I 'm not the only person in the world with this flaw . . . but there it is . I can be really selfish . Prayer is also hard work because it can be very emotional . As hard as I try , I can rarely keep from getting teary while I pray . There always seems to be one request every day that just gets to me . I 've learned to put my eye makeup on each morning after I 've finished praying . I used to think consistent prayer warriors must experience a special connection with God . . . some ethereal peace that prayer - challenged people like me don 't have . Maybe there are those that do , but I don 't . I am seldom drawn to my knees in the morning because I can hardly wait to talk to God . I don 't often get warm fuzzies from prayer . Prayer for me is a choice , it is an act of my will that I have to make happen . I 'm accountable to no one . . . except God . And as incredulous as it sounds , I can pretty easily tune him out . The best way for me not to is to make sure I 'm reading the Bible every day . That 's something else I 've done every day for an entire year . I 've learned prayer and scripture reading go together like peanut butter and jelly . Like chips and salsa . Like milk and cookies . I don 't know how to explain it . I care more . And I don 't have to think about it more , it just happens . And I really , really like it . Second , I love God more . I 've asked him to help me fall more in love with Jesus Christ , and he is answering that prayer . It didn 't come over night , he had to root out some wrong thinking in my life first . But it 's happening . I want more of Jesus , and I 'm not just saying that because Jesus is always the right answer . I really long for deeper knowledge of my Savior . He said yes to some . My mother 's health has improved tremendously . My son got a great job . He said no to others . My friend 's dear son - in - law died . An important relationship has not been restored . I used to wonder if it was okay to ask God for the same thing over and over again , but for me , that 's what being a prayer warrior is . And the more I pray , even though it 's hard , the more I 'm convinced that God really can do more than we can ever ask or imagine . That faith didn 't come naturally from my sad , sinful little heart . It came as a gift from Almighty God . The one who invites me into his throne room every day . You can 't get away from people at gate E6 . There 's no Starbucks to disappear in . It 's just a bunch of chairs and a door that leads outside to the plane . I sat across from them ; a dad and his two kids . He wore a weight lifting t - shirt and an arrogant expression . I didn 't like him . His son was probably 12 . His father spoke to him like he should know everything about air travel . The boy looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders . . . he looked scared . They were traveling alone to Houston , which , I surmised , was home , and where their mother lived . The little girl was about eight . She was crying and clinging to her dad . Every now and then he would reach down and wipe away the tears that were falling on his arm , like they were a bug . Occasionally he would pat her awkwardly and tell her she would be okay . I was in first grade , so I was probably six . My parents divorced when I was five and my dad had moved to San Francisco . Compared to my home in L . A . , San Francisco was cold . When my brother and I flew up for a weekend visit , my mom sent me with my bright orange fake fur coat . Besides that coat , what I remember is a horrible , panicky feeling . My six year old brain was convinced my mom would not be safe without me . I was terrified that something would happen to her and my baby sister while I was away . I remember crying . A lot . I also remember trying really hard not to cry because I didn 't want my dad to feel bad . But I couldn 't help it . I didn 't see much of my dad while I was growing up . We moved to San Diego and he moved to L . A . , but we only saw him on an occasional weekend . He always took us to the zoo and to a Mexican restaurant where he drank margaritas . Eventually our relationship became a Christmas card and sometimes a birthday card . He died this year on New Year 's day . Though I had recently tried to be more communicative , I hadn 't seen him in years . Didn 't matter . His death crushed me . Like God , I hate divorce , but it is prevalent in my extended family . With one exception , everyone in my extended family has been divorced . I don 't know all of the reasons , and I can 't judge . But I had hoped that family legacy would end with me . It didn 't and my kids have had to go through some of the same emotions I did as a child . At times , that haunts me . Shortly before we boarded our flight , that little girl pushed her way onto her dad 's lap . She gripped his neck and cried buckets . He was embarrassed , the big jerk . I had to give up my seat and stand as far away as I could to keep from smacking him . Or at least giving him a really dirty look . I know normal people don 't get married with the goal of getting divorced . And I suppose countless parents have patted their children as they cry in airports and told them they will be okay . But , I have a question . Airports are fascinating places ; there is so much to entertain . Truthfully , a traveler might experience sensory overload before ever stepping foot on a plane . " Huh ? " you ask . ' Tis true . At this moment , Carrie Underwood is singing about smashing out her boyfriend 's taillights with a Louisville Slugger over the intercom . I was just at McDonald 's where I heard several Asian employees speaking an Asian language really , really fast . The little Hispanic girl working the counter looked completely lost . I stood in line behind two twenty - somethings that smelled like they hadn 't had a shower since they were twelve . I 'll never understand why people don 't shower before they get on a plane . I mean , seriously . It 's a given that people will smell you in planes and elevators . Somebody should make a public service TV commercial to enlighten the masses . I 'm in the B concourse , never been here before . I think they collected the oldest seats in the state to furnish this place . The seat next to me has a huge hole in it ; it 's swallowed my power cord . And the seat I 'm in ? I 'm feeling no padding at all . I 've saved the best for last . There is SO much to see . I saw a young teenage girl wearing the tightest jeans in the history of the world . I wondered how her mother ever let her out of the house , and then I saw her mother . Now I understand . One lady I saw was really interesting . She looked like she got up early to clean , worked all day and then drove to Anchorage . She had her friend cut and color her hair ( she 's trying to hide the grey from her kids ) , had a gluten free energy bar for dinner , then a McDonald 's ice cream cone . She looks like she really needs a nap . Before I grabbed the last chip out of the basket and rushed back to the office , one of my friends asked how she could pray for me . We had discussed the ins and outs of our lives while we ate , so I listed a couple of things for her to pray for . Okay , I listed a lot of things . She looked me in the eye , grinned and said , " Okay . I 'll just ask God to give you everything you want . " Our pastor preached on Psalm 139 last Sunday . I know that psalm well ; I memorized it with my 5th grade Sunday school students many years ago . I often think about how God knows every single thing about me . He knows my thoughts , he knows what I 'm going to say , he knows why I 'm going to say it . He knows my motivations . He knows where my heart hurts and why . He knows my greatest joys and why . He knows much more about me than I do . Sometimes I wonder why God doesn 't seem to answer some of my prayer requests . They make sense to me . . . right now . I 've prayed for things in the past that made sense . . . back then . Today I can see why God said no , why he left certain doors shut . I 'd never been in a chat room before , but about a month ago I found myself in one . It was an over fifties chat room for Christian singles . Man , that sounds desperate . I 'm not , I was just curious . Seemed like an innocent enough venue . I 'm not sure what I was hoping for . . . meaningful conversation ? Didn 't happen . They were all giggling , using lots of smiley face icons and abbreviations I couldn 't figure out . One guy was spouting out cheesy pick - up lines . I took a deep breath , then made a wise crack about how ridiculous he sounded . He used the " whisper " feature ( I guess that means he was talking only to me ) and said that I 'm funny . One of girls who works in my building found a baby vole on the ground the other day . It had been abandoned and she was looking for someone to raise it . She said it was really cute . I don 't have a problem with bugs . . . I can kill a spider with my fist , no problem . I can deal with birds , and even snakes . But rodents ? During an especially stressful time at work , a kind friend bought me a little Zen garden to place on my desk . I liked making designs in the sand with the tiny rake . . . it worked . It was relaxing . I wonder how much work I got done . We couldn 't quite figure out where the intruder came from , though we suspected there was a hole in the wall behind a heavy filing cabinet . We set a few traps in my office , but caught nothing . We started noticing signs of it in other parts of our building ; it seemed to have a nightly route scoped out . Since it was frequenting the tops of desks , we surmised it must be pretty big . Like , huge . Another coworker and I became obsessed with catching this monster . First we tried humane traps , but it would eat the cheese or peanut butter and evade capture . Finally , we set every type of trap we could find all over the office , including a sticky one behind my phone . I sat down at my desk on Monday morning and reached for my phone . I 'm pretty sure I was through dialing before I noticed the huge dead mouse stuck in the sticky trap behind it . Even the memory makes me shudder . There was significant evidence to suggest it had been there most of the weekend . . . if you know what I mean . I ran to the building next door to hide until my coworker arrived . I screamed like a girl . He was very brave and took it outside . What I didn 't know is that he put it right next to my car door and when I left for lunch , it was waiting for me . It 's the way the groom looks at her . I 've seen it over and over again ; grooms that spend their wedding day emotionally overwhelmed at the reality . The reality is . . . they get to spend the rest of their life with this girl . Some happen over the long haul . The death of a marriage . My family suffered the long haul type of crisis . It wasn 't pretty , and it wasn 't easy . And it was a very long haul . At 14 and 12 , the girls are reeling . Their mother abandoned the family and moved in with another man . My daughter is there ; she listens , she comforts , she tells them sin makes people stupid . She tells them they are important , that she knows they can make godly choices . She shows up . She spends time . She takes dinner . They are the product of marathon love . Thank you . Thank you to those who loved so long and hard . Your love has crossed the finish line . You won . We had a special speaker at church last Sunday . He is a retired three star army general that served 38 years in the military . He was involved in every military battle since Vietnam . His main message was clear : As Christians we have a responsibility to get involved in our government . Got it . And I agree . During his talk , he said something that really appalled my mom , who was visiting . He told about students at a rather famous American high school who chose not to show respect and support for their country at an assembly . I 've really been thinking about that and have decided it is appalling , but not surprising . And I would like to suggest the students are not the guilty ones here . Think back to the last presidential election . What kind of information are we . . . and our kids . . . exposed to ? Basically , it 's candidate bashing . Over and over again , on TV , radio and online , one side is claiming the other side is incompetent , dishonest and will do a lousy job if elected . Somebody has to lose . What are we left to believe about the winner ? A . " Well , okay , America has spoken . So - and - so is our new president . Let 's thank God for him and do all we can to support him . " B . " Terrific . I can 't believe America elected such an imbecile . The election must have been rigged . This guy will be the beginning of the end of our country . And those idiots in congress , they 'll go along with everything he wants . Besides , they 're all dishonest . Look at what _____________ ( fill in the blank ) did , none of them can be trusted . What is this country coming to ? " Let 's not pick on the teenagers of today for our own shortcomings . They " ape " their parents whether they want to admit it or not . If we are continually berating our government in front of our kids over everything from taxes to same - sex marriage to abortion to global warming , and that 's all they hear , how can we expect them to respect our country ? Why would they feel the need to show patriotism if we haven 't taught it to them ? And I don 't think putting our hand over our heart when the flag goes by in a parade is enough . We need to SPEAK it . Over and over . Hey , I 'm preaching to myself here . I have decisive opinions about many hot topics and I 've made sure my kids know how I feel . But have I mixed in enough positive information about being an American to insure that they know how fortunate they are to live in this country ? I hope so . I hope you have , too . And hey , I know we can blame our schools . Call me naive , but I really do think parents have more say in a child 's life than a school does . At least an involved parent does . On the way to River City you will see some of the most beautiful scenery in the world . Our area is home to crystal clear lakes and rivers , huge snow capped mountains and an abundance of wildlife . You will definitely see more than one eagle . You will probably see more than one moose . You might even see a bear . And if you 're very fortunate , you may catch a monster fish . You won 't even have to exaggerate your fish story . If you come in July , which is a smart time to come , you will also see a zillion tourists . They are easy to spot in the grocery store ; they are the ones wearing hip waders and brand new camo gear . Or they 're wearing shorts , a polar fleece jacket , and sporting a bad sunburn on their nose . I get it . I do . If I didn 't live here I would want to visit . too . Especially if I could escape scorching temperatures and bask in the beauty of 60 ish degrees . Truth is , we need the tourists . Our economy depends on them . And there is plenty of beauty and fish to go around . Having said that , there are a few things I would like to tell our seasonal visitors . If you would pass on my message , I would appreciate it . I realize you may have to be a jerk driver where you come from , but you don 't have to be here . We 're nice . If we see someone in the ditch during the winter , we stop to make sure they are okay , and if we are able , we 'll pull them out and get them on the road again . If you 're patient , we 'll let you out of the parking lot . We will . Please don 't act like we owe you something . You 're visiting for a short time , we live here all year long . That person you edged out of line at the grocery store is probably trying to get her kid to soccer practice on time , or trying to get home from work so he can mow the lawn before dinner . Be fair . Getting a picture of a moose isn 't worth your life or mine . Please don 't slam your brakes on in the middle of the highway . I want to live . I have some special requests of those who are on a mancation . You might want to sit down . Maybe you and your buddies have talked about taking a fishing trip to Alaska your whole lives , and you are finally here . Good for you . You may have left your families behind , but we haven 't . Our little ones hear the filth you use when talking to each other . Would you use that kind of language around your eight year old ? No ? Didn 't think so . Don 't use it around ours . And if you 're surprised your wife knows about your trip to the local strip club during your fishing vacation , you 'll know I 'm the one who told her . It will mean I 've finally figured out a legal way to identify you through your license plate . You should be ashamed of yourself . So . . . if you are a tourist , or if you know one , welcome to our state . We hope you enjoy yourself . I 'd like to invite you to church , River City Bible Chapel starts at 9 : 30 . I sit on the right side of the church . I 'll even save you a seat . When we moved in , the upstairs shower dripped into the kitchen sink . One of the first things we did was gut the upstairs bathroom . Unfortunately , the plumbing wasn 't redone quite right and the shower has super wimpy water pressure . When that became apparent to the part of " we " that isn 't me , he got frustrated and said to just forget it . And he did . My daughter was the only one who used that bathroom for years , I guess the issues were tolerable because she had her own space . Then last summer I decided using the downstairs bathroom all the time was just ridiculous . My son had been working for the borough maintenance department for several summers ; I decided between the two of us we could get that bathroom up and running . And we did . We took out the sink and toilet , put in a new floor , then reinstalled the sink and toilet . . . adding a new faucet along the way . With a little help we sheetrocked one wall , then taped , textured and painted everything . We put a door on the closet and my son hung new trim . We added a new light fixture . It looks great . Several people have looked at it over the years . There 's tons of water pressure to the sink , but somewhere in the pipe that leads to the shower head is a blockage . And the pipe is in the wall . An older gentleman from church came to look at it once . He took the shower handle off , expecting there to be no pressure there . He was standing in front of it when he signalled one of the kids to turn the water back on ; it came out so hard it plastered him to the back of the shower . I hope I don 't come across as a whiner , I don 't mean to be . I 'm not attempting to hint that I want somebody to come fix it either ; though if it does get fixed someday I won 't complain . I kind of figure it 's that way for a reason . The only way to get to the problem is to cut out the wall in the bedroom next to it . . . and what a mess that will make . It 's a perfect picture of people , you know ? We can look great on the outside , but have a blockage somewhere in our hearts . It often takes a big mess before the issue is dealt with and things work better . I committed my life to Jesus Christ when I was 12 years old . New neighbors had moved into the house next door ; they told me I could have a personal relationship with the God of the universe and I believed them . I went into my room , got on my knees at the side of my bed , told God I was a sinner who needed forgiveness and asked him to come into my life . I grew up on Ann - O - Reno Lane in a little town 30 miles north of San Diego . Well , it was a little town back when I was eight . There was an Egg - O - Mat down the road ; when you dropped your change in the slot a little door would open to reveal a dozen fresh , refrigerated eggs ready to take home . The Red Bird Tavern was the next right after our street . Besides that , we were surrounded by fields . If you turned left at the top of Ann - O - Reno Lane you would be on Sam - O - Reno Road . And at the end of that short little street was a trail that lead through a field , up to a big rock . It jutted out over the field and provided a nice view . That rock was mine . It was my mountaintop . It was where I went to pour out my heart to God . I wonder if anybody saw me ; if anybody questioned why a 13 or 14 year old girl was riding her ten - speed into a field to sit on a rock . I wonder if anybody heard me praying out loud . . . if there was someone , other than God , listening as I voiced the secrets hidden in my mind and heart . Did someone see tears every now and then ? Did anybody notice the big , green book I carried , a Bible called The Way ? I like to think I returned from those little treks with a look of serenity on my face . I felt it in my heart . Meeting with God does that . There are certain things that chronically disappear around my house . Sometimes I seriously think they move themselves , because I find them in places I would never put them . That 's really the only option . I 'm the only person who lives here . It takes two remotes to operate my television ; three if I want to watch a movie . At any given time at least one of them is missing . Know why ? It usually takes a while to realize they are missing . I find myself grabbing the spare set in a hurry , figuring my main set will show up eventually . If I 'm still using the spare set two days later , I know I 'm in trouble . That 's when the search begins in earnest . It 's pretty benign at first , you know , just moving papers around and doing a general clean up of stuff . Sometimes they 'll show up under groceries I haven 't put away yet or mail that 's landed on the table . Jacket pockets are a great place for keys to hide . . . and I have lots of jackets . I should count them some day . . . you 'd be shocked . After that , it 's time to panic . And there 's reason to panic . It costs major dollars to replace a couple of my keys , and besides , I need to check the mail . That 's when I start looking in stupid places . . . places they would never be . Like , in the refrigerator or under the bed . I might tear the couch apart or start cleaning out cupboards . Then I start jiggling trash bags . When I realize I 've escalated to manic - level , I usually attempt to calm down and refocus . I remind myself that keys are an inanimate object that cannot cause all of this angst on purpose . It 's at this point I remember to pray . And then out of the blue I 'll remember something or think of a place I 've been . . . Today they were sitting on the bench on my front porch . You probably think I set them there when I watered the flowers , right ? No way . They decided to torment me and step outside for a little fresh air . Horatio , if you 're reading this , please post a comment . It would increase my cool factor . And the next time you talk to my son ? Let him know I 'm glad he follows my blog . My daughter 's best childhood friend is getting married today and I 've got a house full of company . My daughter and son - in - law are here ; I 'm also keeping a couple of friends of the bride . Well , not really . One of the girls is the girlfriend of one of the groomsman . He 's from Massachusetts ; that 's where they met , but she is from Kodiak , Alaska . I was in charge of the rehearsal dinner Thursday night and I cut myself short in the help department . Like , really short . I had one kind friend who pitched in to help with prep , but even two sets of hands isn 't quite enough to cook for forty people . Everybody else involved in the wedding was needed at the rehearsal . Not sure what I was thinking . . . She took over all room prep . She ironed all the tablecloths , set the tables , figured out center pieces and made sure everything looked pretty . She helped plate the salads and serve the food . When the guests arrived , she sat down and had dinner with her boyfriend . She hadn 't spent any time with him that day and I was glad she was finally with somebody she knew and away from my manic - ness . We all know there are cultural differences between nations . Many of us realize there are cultural differences between areas in our own country . For example , my friends from Wisconsin call Pepsi " soda " . I grew up in California and we always called it " pop " . My friend from Minnesota calls the evening meal " supper " , I call it " dinner . " My kids now live in Oregon , but they are true born and bred Alaskans . The reason I know this is because they have both , at different times , expressed amazement at the bathrooms found at roadside rest stops in Oregon . They were impressed enough to call home about them . The bathrooms down there have flushing toilets , running water , toilet paper and paper towels . I know they aren 't making this phenomena up because I had the privilege of experiencing one last summer . Our roadside bathrooms in Alaska aren 't quite like that . They are , very simply put , outhouses . They smell bad . If you 're lucky , they have toilet paper . ( It 's always a good idea to go in prepared in case they don 't . ) Our outhouses don 't even have lights . That 's not a problem in the summer , but in the winter you 'd better park your car where your headlights can illuminate what you 're doing . You definitely don 't want to be stumbling around in there . One sunny weekend about twenty years ago , my little family had the opportunity to go camping across the bay . The boat ride over was going to take a while , so I insisted my six year old daughter use the bathroom at the boat dock . I figured her little brother would be okay if he had to go . When we opened the outhouse door , I knew I was in trouble . It was really , really bad . My little girl refused to use the " icky potty . " I honestly couldn 't blame her , but it was our only option . After much cajoling , pleading , begging and threatening , she finally broke down and went potty . I didn 't . I knew I could hold it . When we reached our destination a couple of hours later , she informed me that she had to go potty again . So , I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and we headed out to find a good spot in the woods . She didn 't get it at first . She kept asking me where the potty was . When she finally understood what was expected of her , she started crying and wailed , " Mommy ! I want to go back to the icky potty by the boats ! " Interviewing for jobs is so not fun . I 've been the interviewee and the interviewer , and I don 't like either roll . I remember my interview for my current position . I had to prove I could carry fifty pounds of books between two buildings , which I did no problem . I sailed through the typing test with flying colors . Then they put me down in front of a computer and asked me to create an Excel spread sheet . I warned them that I couldn 't do it , but they wanted me to try . I couldn 't do it . Thankfully I got the job anyway . Maybe that 's because in nine years on the job I 've never had to create an Excel spread sheet . But I 'm not going to lie ; the first couple of months were hard . I had to learn to use several computer programs that were new to me . I 'm pretty sure I drove my predecessor nuts with my questions and my confusion . I 'm sure she was grateful when I finally got the hang of things and stopped being so needy . The funny thing is , I still do most of the things I learned back then every single , dingle day . Actually , I do WAY more now than I did back then . And I could probably do it with my eyes closed . I once learned that the brain deletes neurons that are undeveloped or unused . Like , if you don 't stimulate them by the time you 're eleven , the brain decides they are unneeded baggage and dumps them . That 's why little kids can learn a foreign language easier and faster than adults . My kids are great at jigsaw puzzles , but I 'm not . You see , my jigsaw puzzle neurons weren 't stimulated before I was eleven so my brain deleted them . I 'm trying to learn a new computer program right now ; it runs the beast in my living room . My mind is having such a hard time remembering which button to push in which sequence , what information to input and what not to … . ugh … . it 's so frustrating ! ! It 's driving me absolutey bonkers to be so stinkin ' needy . I like to wear skirts . I do . It 's my way of showing the frozen Alaskan tundra that we can each coexist and maintain our own identities . I live in a log house with a little dog named Daisy . If she could , I think she would choose to wear skirts as well . I have two great kids who had the audacity to obey me and grow up into two great adults . By then it was too late to change my mind and tell them to stay kids forever . I 'm single , but it 's getting old . Now that my kids are gone , it can get a little lonely inside these log walls .

In the night we ran , we ran away fast , speeding til it hurt , the exhaust jetting out , accelerator pressed against the floor of the car . The street lights streamed behind us through the windows , their fluorescent light burning lines onto the pages of our eyelids . We drove so fast that no one could find us . We drove so fast . We sat back and we thought about the way the wind against the car sounded like a great river , or a waterfall . And our hearts pounding staccato . Like drums . Beat . I watched her and she got up and she left with me . And I watched as her life merged seamlessly with mine . As if the addition of fear and abnormality was easy but also meaningless . And we didn 't talk as I drove . Just watched the street lights as they passed . Until there were no street lights any more . Beat . He said softly when I woke up . Come Now . It 's Time To Go . And there weren 't any other words to describe it . Just going . We drove and we drove as the night deepened and we never , ever looked back . We were strong . Beat . The petrol lasted the drive . We surged out of the city and nobody saw us . And when we reached the great dark , empty roads outside it , there were no other headlights that passed us by . We were afraid to look back into the bright city , afraid of what we would see . And so the cool night sped past us , chilled , frantic air between us and what we lived before now . And we let that space become wider and wider . And then the night began to shrink away and when the trees became visible , spiking the horizon , we stopped and we knew we were finished because the petrol tank was empty . We left the car in the middle of the dusty , broken road . We sat on the crisp yellow grass with our backs against the splintery bark of a tree . We watched the night collapse into day . Then we dug a hole underneath the grass and crawled into the warm earth to lay , like rabbits , away from the sun . Then no one could find us , and we waited , feeling one another 's breaths on our cheekbones , for the night to come again . We tried , but after long our tired hands curled into muddy fists and the dirt beneath our fingernails reached deep enough to hurt . And so we stood and looked at our shallow concave of earth . Then we sat by the roadside hand in hand , waiting for someone to come by . We wept onto one another 's shoulders and when one seemed weak the other was always strong . We waited there until the sun hurt our eyes and the noise of the car metal groaning in the midday sun hurt our ears . And we could sleep in our stupor no more . You keep asking me what changed . Is that your question of the week , or something ? Why didn 't I want to keep running for my life , changing towns , changing identities every time things got hard ? Why didn 't I want to keep up my lonely , scared existence ? Good question , lady . Tough one , isn 't it ? I 'll tell you , alright . It was a lot of things . It was the way the university campus looked nice no matter what the weather was , the kind lady next door who kept wanting to invite me over to dinner , the cat that always scratched against the windowsill , the trees in the garden , the rent on the apartment , my reflection in the mirror , that time I made a girl cry , the dream I had the night before . I 'll start with the dream . It started out and I was in the city , running . Running towards the outskirts , like always . Then I was out of the city and I felt relieved , but I thought I might not be far enough so I kept going . I came to a big river with forest all around it . All the city noises were gone , even though I hadn 't really gone very far . There was only the wind in the trees and the sounds of birds and insects . Nothing sounding like voices . That was nice . I thought I could stay there maybe , but it was still too close . I was afraid that if I climbed a tree or something then I would be able to see skyscrapers somewhere on the edge of the forest . So I built myself a raft out of wood and vines . It didn 't take very long and when I took it out to the river it stayed afloat . Before I climbed aboard I took off my shoes and my shirt and rolled up the bottoms of my jeans . Became a new person , sort of , without all those clothes , trying to look fashionable or whatever . Then I got on the raft and floated down the river . There was sun keeping me warm and I could collect fruits from trees overhanging the river to eat , cup water in my palms to drink . My hands became all sandy and brown from clutching the wood of the raft all the time . I rubbed this brown all over my face , my chest , my arms . Somehow I felt cleaner that way . I was there for a couple of days , just floating down the river . I was never hungry , never worried . I slept in the sun or stretched out like a cat sometimes . I loved the motion of the raft on the river . I watched as the landscape around me slowly changed . I had drifted out of the forest , into bushland where the river was smaller and the muddy banks around me were slippery and steep . Then the banks became baked rock with perfect footholds , canyon - like and full of shapes . The forest noises of insects and birds and wind in the trees had gone . There was nothing except the sound of the river . Every sound I made echoed and echoed . I left my raft made in the forest . It didn 't fit there and I didn 't want to travel any more . There was a place where I knew I wanted to stay . There , the river joined another river . I had heard that river for a while , sometimes seeing glimpses of it snaking through the landscape . And now this was the place where it joined me , in front of a triangular slice of rock . There was a flat space on top where I could lie in the sun . There was a little nook below where I could shelter from the rain . All around me was water . I could see for miles . What did I see ? Nothing . Nothing but baked rock , maybe a few trees in the distance . I could yell and the sound would travel for miles and miles and no one , not a single person , would hear it . I did yell . I shouted and screamed as loud as I could . I sang and I yelled meaningless , gibberish words . Things I 'd never said before . Things I never planned to say . I shouted and I sang because I was alone , more alone than I ever had been before . More alone than I could ever be in real life . I built a fire on a bed of twigs and dried leaves . I burnt branches and watched the embers travel , the sparks swarm in a cloud when I blew on them . I compared their light with the light of the stars in the sky . I couldn 't tell which I liked more . I slept curled around my dying fire , feeling its warmth on my belly like a feeling inside of it , some emotion I couldn 't understand . In the morning I admired the mist on the river and broke off shards of rock to throw and watch disappear without a sound . I dipped my feet into the mist and liked how soft and cool it felt . I played with it in my fingertips and made animal sounds to hear them echo . I painted my face with dirt and laughed to imagine what my reflection might look like . No one to see . No one to care . When the midday sun came out , bright and strong , I bombed into the river and let it wash the dirt from me , tug at me like playful hands , rip at my jeans , comb my matted hair . I loved the feeling of the water on my eyelids . Then I opened my eyes under the water and watched the mandala of the sun on the ripples above me . I think it was the most beautiful thing I 'd ever seen . I didn 't want to share it . I wanted to keep it mine . It was my secret . I lay myself out to dry on the flat rock , let the sun brown my skin and bleach my hair . Then I climbed and climbed and felt the strong muscles pulsing underneath my skin . I crossed the left river and explored the land , running up mounds of dirt , sprinting across bushy scrubland , eating my fill . Then I crossed the river again and fell asleep on the warm , flat stone . When I awoke it was night and I told stories to the stars in the sky . I tried to tell them about my past life , but they didn 't believe me . I didn 't believe myself . But then one day someone else floated down the river . She came from the opposite side and she had made a raft just like I had . Her skin was browned and her face was covered with the juice of fruit she had just eaten . She climbed onto the rock and met me there . We spoke a little . My words were disjointed and I couldn 't remember how to say much . Even when I 'd practiced to the stars , I hadn 't used normal words . I couldn 't remember a lot , but I think she understood . She said she couldn 't remember much from her past life either . So we didn 't talk about that . She had very dark hair . Still some clothes , all tattered like my old jeans . She spoke in a low voice . A quiet voice . We didn 't ask each other 's names . What use was a name ? I was boy . She was girl . Names wouldn 't have meant a thing to us . I told her she was beautiful . That was the first thing I said . Then she shook her head and said her face was too bony , too many pimples , her mouth was too big . I said no . She touched my face and she said I was beautiful . I sort of realised I 'd forgotten what beautiful looked like . I had really old memories of bad haircuts and picking at pimples in the mirror . But my face was smooth to her touch . I must have changed , become a different person , morphed in appearance somehow . She said she thought she recognised me from somewhere . From somewhere in the forest or the muddy bushland , perhaps . There was nothing to teach her . She knew it all already . She knew how to talk to the stars and how to see the mandala in the river . We told each other stories . In her eyes , I saw the sparks from the fire . I don 't know what she saw in mine . One day it rained and we sat together under a ceiling of rock with our hands clasped , watching as a pale screen of water tipped from the ledge above us . We let our feet catch the rain and wash off the dirt and dust , cool the hardened blisters . I felt the touch of her hand on mine . I knew nothing of her except girl . She knew nothing of me except boy . There wasn 't anything else to know . There weren 't any words and there didn 't have to be . She asked if I was alone before . I said no . Alone only has meaning when you remember there are other people out there , somewhere . Secretly I hoped no one else would ever come to disturb us . No one ever did . I remembered something from the past one night . Something about other people and danger . I woke because I was scared . And when I woke she clasped my hand and listened to my confused words . And she helped me remember that now we were the only ones . No one else belonged to this world , our world of rock and river . It was only ours to share with each other . So I went back to sleep and didn 't dream of the past , but of her and of the river . When I awoke , I felt the light filtering in through the smudged window and it was cold and grey . Only hours had passed , only hours . I reached across and could not find the hand of the girl . She was gone . She never had been there . Maybe if she had been there , but then gone away , I might have felt better . But she never existed , never existed at all . The rock and the river and the forest , the mud and the sun . It was never there and I never lived that life . I couldn 't work out what was real , at first . I sat there , on my hard bed , not even able to look up at the grey light coming in through the window . I heard the city , I heard the people next door , I heard my own angry breaths . Swallowed salt water , rubbed at my face with shaking fists . Sat for a while , for a very long time , like I do sometimes when I 'm having a really bad day . But eventually I got up and I washed and dressed and shaved and made my little bed in that cramped apartment . I kept my eyes to the ground all day and I didn 't speak to anyone . I did the right thing , I did what I was supposed to do . I didn 't talk to anyone , I didn 't look at anyone , I didn 't meet anyone , made no friends , found no lovers . So I 'd never have to leave again , never have to get hurt again . So , you asked me what changed my mind . The dream helped . Someone said something I can 't remember once , about dreaming in colour . I dreamed that dream in colour , so then I realised that my world was grey . And after that , I suppose , then I realised I couldn 't run away any more . So I didn 't . Paolo stole his father 's book from the tottering bookcase in the second - floor study . It was heavy and large , quite too big to hide under one 's sweater or cleverly behind one 's back . He thought himself lucky to get down to the first floor with it , after not being noticed once . He imagined it would be speculated long after by historians . They would scratch their grey beards in wonder of what sort of sequence of events could have placed into the small hands of Paolo Montorelli that book , The Origin of the Species , which would change forever human behaviour and compel this young boy to make history . He sat on the wooden floorboards in his bedroom looking at the diagrams mostly , tracing the lines with his fingers and allowing his tongue to practice the names of all the various scientific words . His concentration undisturbed by adult antics , he was left to study for hours the masterpiece . Of course , he already knew what the bulk of it equated to , without even needing his eyes to stumble over the complex language , for they had gone over Darwin 's theories in science class the week before . Survival intrigued him . He knew now why he had been born a man , given strong bones , nimble fingers and a quick mind . He was meant to survive out there , in the forests , in the wild , where food had to be hunted for and danger was a constant companion . Where he was , in that ancient and enormous house , where everything was provided , even love , which he did not want , he felt suffocated . He would have to leave . In the space of that small , cold and sparsely decorated bedroom , Paolo dreamt up a plan . There were seven other boys in Paolo 's group of friends . There was Jon , who was smarter than some of the others , and older too . Tim was the same age , but not nearly as smart . Hans was the youngest , and quite fat , though Paolo thought he might prove strong if he put his mind to it . Mark was a shy boy who had a problem of some sort , which gave him no excuse to infuriate Paolo . James was young , but as loud as someone twice his age . Little Fred was somebody 's younger brother , Paolo could not remember who , and was dragged along for only this reason . The last boy was Abe , who was good for nothing except following , the characteristic Paolo valued most in his friends . A motley crew gathered from school , parent 's friends , friends of friends and from the local neighbourhood , they ranged in age from nine years old to fourteen . Paolo was the oldest - fifteen , and his birthday in March , before midyear , making him one of the oldest in his class . He was tall too and boasted of muscle on his arms and strong legs for walking . In his mind 's eye , as he held a tree - branch as a walking stick , his feet finding footing easily amongst the flotsam surface of the forest floor and his legs pulling him through the strides uphill , he looked the picture of man as Darwin had imagined him . His friends were not necessary - he had brought them along only to teach them . He led the way now , and they trusted him , but he would teach them to trust no one . Paolo had often walked into the Forests of Leigh , not too far away from the town , but far enough for the noise to fall away and for the stars to emerge each night without the competition of electric lights . He walked further that day than he had ever been before , and the boys followed him . They had brought with them a few loaves of bread , some cold meat and some stone fruit . More important to them , however , was the array of hunting knives , arrows and trap - making utensils that Paolo carried in his own rucksack . For did they think they could exist on fruit alone ? Men needed meat to survive . Without it , they would be skinny , scrawny beings , useless as rabbits , with not a bit of muscle between them . They stayed for two weeks before problems arose . Despite Paolo 's attempts to foster some sense of belonging in the group , introducing a group whistle , a secret knocking code and giving every boy a group - name , unhappiness yet reigned . Their food had lasted only due to Paolo 's furious rationing . Jon - lo was perpetually hungry , Tim - lo 's rash was coming back , Mark - lo 's wounded knee ( from a tumble in some scrub ) had become puffy and sore and Little Fred - lo had been complaining of stomach aches for three days . What was more , their food source was diminishing quite quickly , at a rate that alarmed most of the boys . Paolo stayed placid . " What must we do ? " said Hans - lo . Of course he was worried about food , Paolo thought . He probably dreamed food , it was so constantly on his mind . " There are rules ? " Little Fred - lo said , his eyes growing wider . If he had been perhaps ten or eleven , instead of nine , then Paolo would have taken it as an insult . " Of course there are rules ! " Paolo barked . " The rules of survival ! You do what you need to in order to survive and you never , never , " he repeated to Mark - lo , who continued to stare at the ground , " rely upon anyone . If we go crawling back to town now , we 'll lose and we 'll break all the rules ! " " It 's exactly like a game . " Paolo intoned . " Survival is a game and whoever is the most cunning , the smartest and the best fighter will win . Everyone else is a loser . " The boys all lowered their eyes to the ground , shuffling their feet in the dirt . Their shame gave Paolo time to think . With Darwin 's theories pulsing through his brain , the answer came soon enough . Of course , it was the right answer , for it put into practice every principle of survival that criss - crossed Darwin 's great book . The next morning they had meat for breakfast , then for lunch and for dinner . There was enough to last them for the next four days . Men need meat , and the boys were happy , satisfied . Hans , the pig , however , had disappeared . For a long time they played this gave of survival . They were growing strong on the meat that Paolo was bringing . Every day it would be the same - meat would be roasting on the fire as they awoke , ready to be consumed heartily for breakfast , and one boy would have disappeared . It was accepted by all the boys , none questioned , none complained . By now , Paolo 's copy of The Origin of the Species had grown quite tattered , so he set to work carving select words and phrases into the trees . He could not remember how to write letters very well , and his hand was so unsteady that the legibility of the words was hardly better than that of his soiled and broken copy . But none of the boys ever minded , and none noticed that Paolo had added a few clauses of his own to Darwin 's manifesto . " See here , " he told the boys , pointing to a tree trunk covered with his words , " it 's not enough to survive without anyone else 's help . Any adult could do that . But most adults won 't do it . Society is weak . A town is little more than a group of suckling babes . We should teach them , shouldn 't we ? Teach them how to survive properly ! " The boys cheered and hoorah - d Paolo 's declaratory speech . In the next few days , they sought to put it into practice . One morning , they climbed up to the top of the hill . Paolo had timed it carefully , so that the first signs of sunlight , the dull , washout grey of the dawn sky , were just beginning to appear . Below them lay a little village , the first signs of civilisation they had seen for months . Some of the boys were beginning to wonder if civilisation still remained beyond the Forests of Leigh . " Look , " Paolo said , " this town is desolate . No one moves . You would think all of them were dead in their beds . But you will wait and see . " As the sky coloured to a more greyish hue , the first signs of life appeared . First came the sound of a door opening . Then , of a dog barking . The metallic sound of a bucket being dropped , sawing in the distance and the slow , methodical sound of water being pumped . Within an hour , the town had fully awakened . " See how they crawl about like ants , " Paolo remarked , " every day is the same - fetch the water , go to church , clean the stable , shovel manure . It 's pitiful . " He spat . Then he turned his back to the town . " We 'll go there tomorrow . Go there and teach them the proper way to do things . " Before they went to sleep that night , Paolo made a serious effort to clean the grime off The Origin of the Species , the other boys sharpened sticks and cleaned the blunt hunting knife . Paolo spoke words of ferocity and leadership to them long into the night - the sort of words he could imagine warriors being made to listen to before going into battle . He slept with a smile on his lips . The town looked bigger once they had reached it , much bigger than the model - village they had seen from atop the hill . Nevertheless , it was quiet , dead . Paolo continuously ran his finger over the blunted blade of the remaining hunting knife until he could feel a wound opening up in his skin . He had prepared for a confrontation , a battle , a war . But there was no one here . Were they to ambush them ? He would kill them in their beds , like he had done to so many others . They had formed one line now and were snaking between the houses . Each followed the boy in front of them , and Paolo followed nothing but his own instinct . He felt his bare feet in the mud , could smell the embers of the blacksmith 's fire , tasted the smoke in the air , heard when footsteps as cautious as his own were making their way steadily towards them . He motioned for his group to stop , and they did , piling themselves awkwardly behind him . Slowly , Paolo advanced forward in the direction of the sound . A giant would be there , a giant of a man , probably the town blacksmith , with a white - hot poker in his hand . The footsteps belonged to a boy . He had bright red hair and large green eyes and stepped out when Paolo did the same . He held in his hand a broomstick , and on his face , a fierce look . Paolo 's expression settled into a disappointed frown . He motioned the boys over with a look . They encircled the red - haired boy . Then the boy motioned his friends over . Paolo 's boys stepped back . They were outnumbered . " Whoever is the oldest is in charge ! Isn 't that right ? " Paolo looked to his group , and they cheered in response . He would win this battle . The other boy had an immature look about him - he had to be at least two years younger than him . " Fifteen . " Answered Onslow . Paolo showed no surprise , but pressed his wounded thumb again to the blade of the hunting knife . Blood was beginning to seep into the pocket of his trousers . " I said that to trick you . Whoever is the best at surviving is in charge . What do you know about surviving ? " he sneered . " You live in a town . You don 't need to survive . Your mother makes your food for you and your father tucks you into bed at night . We 've lived in the forest for months now by ourselves . " He poked Onslow 's small chest . " You don 't look as if you 'd last one week in the forest . " The boys around Onslow eyed Paolo with looks of malice . Onslow stayed completely placid . " Are you going to teach us how to survive , then ? " he asked Paolo . " No ! " Paolo laughed , and the other boys laughed too . " Come back with us to the forest and we 'll see how long you last for . " A smile spread its way across his face . Onslow still showed no emotion . Paolo 's pocket was full of blood by the time they had returned to the camp . He had almost lost his game , almost broken the rules , but despite this , he had managed to triumph . But he told himself not to celebrate yet . There would be hard work to come , but ultimately he would prevail . Onslow never slept . Paolo never once saw him close his eyes . It was infuriating , unrelenting , impossible . And as Onslow stayed inhumanely awake , so did Paolo . At first , Paolo did not have the courage to show this intruder boy how it was they survived . But soon he was fed up . Tim - lo was annoying him , and there had not been meat for three days . He waited until after the sun had set , the moon had disappeared behind the trees and the only face watching him was that of Father Rock sneering at him . Onslow was staring into the fire . " So that is how to survive . " The intruder boy intoned . Had these words been laced with realisation , epiphany on Onslow 's part , Paolo would have been satisfied . But they dripped with mockery , sarcasm and loathing . The boy had to be dealt with . Paolo first attacked the boy when he had wandered off to the far side of the camp , near Bear Rock . Onslow had thrown him off and hastily picked up a large tree branch to defend himself with . Paolo could not get anywhere near him . The next time , he swung at the boy with a knife while he had his back turned , but the boy turned suddenly and Paolo missed , leaving him standing without explanation before Onslow 's searching eyes . The only way was to lynch Onslow . But Onslow 's group was far bigger than his - they would overthrow him , exile the rest of his group and live in their place . The only way was for Paolo 's group to move away - but that wasn 't fair ! The camp belonged to him ! Or , if worse came to worse , Paolo himself could move away . But he would be alone , with no one else around , no meat on the fire , no one to prey upon . His hands began to shake when he thought about this . Onslow was driving him from the hunter to the hunted , with nothing more than an unrelenting stare and a gift for luck . He would have to kill him , or he would be killed by him . He took the boy far away one day . Far enough away so that none of his group would hear him cry out , no one would know to intervene and no one would know who had been the victor until either one or the other made it back to camp . As he led the boy away , Paolo realised with a smile that there would be meat on the fire again the next morning - the best meat yet . The boys waiting at the camp heard nothing . They saw no sign of either boy from when they opened their eyes in the morning to when they closed them again that night . When they rose the next morning , it was to the smell of meat . Not an unexpected smell , though it sent a thrill through the boys . The battle was ended and the loser in front of them . Though it was impossible to tell from the disembodied pieces of meat which leader it belonged to , each boy had his theory . But neither Paolo nor Onslow was present in the camp . The boys waited until evening . Finally , a party was sent to search for them . Perhaps they were still fighting . Perhaps they were both lost . The party came back , incoherent and frightened . Some had the dry tracks of tears on their cheeks . There was no explanation for the report . Both boys had been found , still locked in a final fighting stance , though both were dead . One pair of glassy eyes stared into the other . The boys eyed distrustfully the meat on the fire . The same meat , human meat , that they had been eating for months . But with all boys present in camp , both leaders dead behind Father Rock , the mystery sunk like a weight in their full stomachs . The disfigured shapes twist and turn , talking to one another , laughing at him , staring with vacant eyes . But the taxidermist is already asleep , his lips curving into a tiny smile . The shadow - animals grow and curve around the walls and ceiling as , outside , the wind claws at the rafters , the tiles on the roof . The largest animal is pushing against the window , peering through the gaps in the curtain . She can see the wilderness , and her lion - paws scrape against the window pane . The taxidermist rolls over in his sleep , uttering a low moan . The animals fill his dreams as well . In the morning , when the winds have calmed and the shadow - animals have diminished , the taxidermist wakes once again . He partakes in his small breakfast , sips habitually at the bland tea and eyes his artworks , lined up against the back wall of the room that doubles as his bedroom and workshop . The glassy eyes of the animals already mounted meet his gaze . He can remember those leering shadows from the night before , though in his mind they comfort him . They are his friends . His meal consumed , the plates washed and stacked , he makes his way over to the animals . He strokes the thin fur on the badger 's paw , carefully dusts the beak of the duck , peers into the solid eyes of deer and caresses the lion 's muzzle . Then he turns to the unfinished piece on the work bench . The owl 's delicately spread feathers point towards the heavens , in anticipation of flight . The taxidermist 's calloused , practiced hands reach for the needle and thread . He gently sews the plumes together over the light wood of the model , delicately arranging the feathers so that the stitches cannot be seen . Then he picks up his paintbrush and delivers a few careful strokes of paint - a combination of Naples yellow and raw umber - to the owl 's beak . The animal is finished but for one aspect . The dark eye - sockets still stand out blank against the pelt of feathers . The taxidermist reaches for his jar of eyes . The glass objects stare out in many different directions , taking in the workshop , the animals , the blank sockets in the owl 's tawny face . Two are carefully picked and installed with a touch of white glue . After a moment 's adjustment , the taxidermist steps back . The owl stares now as the other animals do . But this is not another to add to his collection . It is to be collected in the afternoon . A tinge of sadness touches the taxidermist 's heart . He strokes the sturdy feathers on the owl 's head , checks to see whether the paint on the beak is dry , then sits down in his chair and leafs through an old book . His fingers find a well - read page , marked with coffee - stains and fingerprints . He reads aloud the words that he has already committed to memory . He reads them to the owl . That evening , in the bitter twilight , a vehicle comes . It splutters down the frosty road , knocking down tree branches and flattening grasses . It reverses into the narrow driveway of the taxidermist 's secluded house and the boot flies open . Large , greasy men climb out and drop unceremoniously a garbage bag on the front doorstep . They ring the doorbell three times . The taxidermist comes , with the precious owl clutched to his chest . Reluctantly , he gives it over to the men , and they kick the garbage bag towards him . The vehicle throws up a few handfuls of snow in its wake . The taxidermist opens the bag and peers inside . He lifts the carcass out with shaking hands , laying it on his workbench - now empty - as his eyes grow wider . The blank , dead eyes of the enormous bear stare back at him . Its cold claws scrape at his clothing . With reverence , he lays it on his workbench . He will begin in the morning . When darkness falls , there is a new shadow adorning the wall . Before daylight comes again , the house is plunged into commotion . Another vehicle roars up the dirt track . With cries of anguish , the protesters rush into the taxidermist 's house . They screech when they see the bear carcass , the glassy eyes of the badger and the deer . They knock the animals over one by one , and the lion 's muzzle cracks as it hits the floorboards . The taxidermist is run out of the house . He sits on a small patch of ground , his night clothes wrapped around him , his eyes still clouded with sleep , as the first flames grow like vines out of the windows . Soon the house is wreathed in gold , the smoke forming a billowing tornado into the clouds above . Tears bud in the taxidermist 's eyes as he watches the foundations slowly crumble until , like dominoes , they topple onto one another and the house becomes nothing more than a pile of wood . And in amongst the sounds of crashing beams , of splintering wood and combustion , the haunting , thunderous roar of a lion is sent out into the cold night . It disrupts the birds in nearby trees and sends the protesters , in a melee , back to their vehicle . The taxidermist is left alone in the winter night , his only possession the smouldering ruins in front of him . Slowly , he takes a piece of paper from his pocket . It is a page , ripped , from an old book . He reads the words aloud , sending them like a message into the night .

2 : Chapter 1 The Problem It was a battle for life or death . My family and I were in Philadelphia , Pennsylvania . Susan and I were encountered in a dark alley fighting for our lives against a gang of five men , who honestly just popped out of nowhere . Then , the gorgeous , Robert Brown stood behind me . " Get out of here ; I 'll handle them , " he yelled . Susan was out of there in a second never to look back till she was home . I , on the other hand , stayed by his side . " Anne , don 't you listen to anything , " he yelled over to me , focusing on their every move . " No , " I replied , pointing out to him that one was about to attack . " Get the one on the left he is weaker than the others , " he went on . They finally attacked us , Robert was beating 3 : them all other than the one that lunged at me with a knife but missed and tumbled on the ground . He landed on his back , and I pounced on him like a lion on a gazelle , and I started throwing punch lines at him . He got up with a bloody nose and a black eye and ran off . The other four ran off just before him . " Don 't you listen to anything , " Robert asked with a grimace on his face . I stared at him for a minute with a smile on my face and burst into laughter . He stood glaring while my smile faded . He still had no idea that I 've loved him ever since I moved here from New York , New York . 4 : Robert walked me home after his anger faded . As we reached my house I could see Susan was waiting for me on the steps that led to the front door . He suddenly grabbed me and spun me around with his muscular arms . Neither of us noticed my arm was bleeding until just now . " Follow me , " he ordered and turned in the opposite direction . He led me to his house so that he could stop the bleeding and bandage the wound . While he was finishing he told me that I was brave and kind of strange for not leaving when he told me to . When he finished he walked me back to my house . When we reached my house for the second time Susan had already told my mom what had happened . We walked to the door and they both ran out the door and checked me for any cuts and bruises . They finally noticed the white bandage wrapped around my arm . They started to panic and scolded saying that I was stupid for staying . She turned to Robert , " Thank You ! " Then , she turned back to me and scolded , " Go to your room . " Once I was in my room I settled beside my window and looked down . Robert was still there and he was defending me from my mother . " I told her to stay with me once Susan had left , " he lied . " Susan is too girly to fight that 's why I waited for her to leave ; she might have broken a nail , " he continued . " How did she get the cut on her arm , " she asked . " She fell on her way here , " he lied again . " So I took her to my house to clean her up 5 : and put a bandage on it , " he explained . My mom really got mad , then , because he took me to his house without her permission , and sent him home . The next morning , I saw him at school so I walked over to him to ask him what my mom and he were arguing about yesterday , though , I already knew . Once I was over to him I saw my ex - best friend , Jane Frits , who was hanging all over him , so , I turned around and walked away . He noticed me turn around and ran over to me , then grabbed my arm , and swung me around to face him . Robert grabbed me around the waist before I could tumble to the floor ; my books weren 't so fortunate they fell out of my arms and onto the floor . Jane started over to get him away from me , so he glared at her with fierce eyes and she turned back . I looked down and noticed I was still in his arms , though , I had already caught my balance and he released me . " What do you need to talk about ? " he asked with curiosity in his voice . " I wanted to know what went on last night between you and my mother . " " Awe , " he said with light shock in his tone and explained it to me . " Now , I want to talk to you about something , " he said with a nervous edge to his voice . " Okay , shoot . " " You know the fall dance is coming up in two days " " Ummmm . . . " I interrupted him . 6 : " Shhhhh , " he stopped me from continuing , " and I was wondering if you would like to go with me ? " he asked . " I would , but I can 't , " I admitted . " Why ? " he asked confused . " I have a couple of reasons . I 'm grounded , and I don 't have a dress to wear , " I continued . " That 's no problem I 'll talk to your mother in to letting you go and I can buy you a dress , " he addressed to me . I also don 't know how to dance , " I acknowledged . Robert stared at me for a solid minute to where he couldn 't hold it any more and burst out in laughter . " Is that all , you can 't dance , " he chanted on sarcastically . " I can , I 'll teach you . " " Really , I 'm not that good at learning either . " " That won 't be a problem , " he chanted . " Anne , answer me , please say you 'll go . " I was in shock , I couldn 't breathe and I was growing weak . " Yes , I 'll go with you , I promise , " I managed to say before I fainted . Robert seemed to catch me when I fell into his arms . I felt him pick me up like a baby and hold me against his chest as he went to sit me down on his lap on the bench . Five minutes later I awoke , although we were going to be late for class already , he held me there until I had recovered then he loosened up and sat me on the bench beside him . " What happened ? " I asked . 7 : " You fainted . " The rest of the day past in a blur . The next morning , I walked to the door , at school , where Robert was holding it open for me . " Thank you , " I greeted him as I walked in the school house . Robert followed me and grabbed my hand once he caught up with me and walked me over to introduce me to his friends Max Greene , and Corey Adams . " I need to warn you , my friend Max has a slight crush on you , " he told me on our way over to them . " Actually , he is in love with you , " he continued snickering . I was startled . " Then why did you ask me to the dance ? " I asked while I stopped . " I asked you to the dance because I like you way more than he does , and besides he wasn 't going to ask you anyway , " he admitted . " Do you like me ? " My face turned hot so I knew I was blushing . " You don 't have to answer that , I know the answer by the way you just looked at me , " he announced . " Yes , I 've had a crush on you ever since I moved here , " I said , blushing again . " When are you going to teach me how to dance , the dance is tomorrow , " I said . " I know the dance is tomorrow and I 'm not going to teach you how because you already know how , " he added . I started walking again and he was beside of me , still clutching my hand . We made it to them , Max noticed Robert holding my hand and went off on him . They yelled back and forth to each other till Max went to punch 8 : Robert , I jumped out in front of him and was hit . The punch was so powerful that I flew back into Robert , he caught me , and was knocked unconscious ; Robert knew I was in pain and that I was cold so he sat me down on the floor while he removed his jacket and placed it on me . He picked me up in his arms and cradled me against his chest , keeping me as close as possible to him . Max walked over toward us to apologize , but Robert wasn 't going to take any chances , so he walked away . I heard Robert 's hum through my deep sleep and it started to awaken me . When I was fully awake I noticed Robert had taken me home but he didn 't leave me there alone . He sat beside of me the whole time and had taken care of me I had a bandage wrapped around the top of my head and an ice pack on my eye . " Will you teach me how to dance now ? " I asked . " No , you can hardly walk now , much less dance , " he replied . I glared at him for what seemed to be an hour . " Anne , come on , " he cracked . He picked me up like a baby and carried me up to my room . Robert stood me up in front of him in the middle of the room and turned some music on . " I 'm not completely helpless you know , " I pointed out . " Yeah , I know , but your light in weight so I like to carry you around , " he admitted . " Why does Jane always hang all over you ? " I asked , changing the subject . " I didn 't even know she has been , " he answered , a brief grin on his face . 9 : " Why does Jane always hang all over you ? " I asked , changing the subject . " I didn 't even know she has been , " he answered , a brief grin on his face . " Your doing good , " he admitted after we danced a little while . My mom was pulling in the driveway in her SUV . Robert suddenly dropped my hand and ran downstairs to meet her at the door . She was shocked that he was standing in front of her in the doorway . She walked in and put her accessories away . " Anne , get downstairs now , " she yelled . " I 'll be right back , " Robert said as he ran up the stairs to get me . He picked me up and carried me out of my room and down the stairs to my mother . " Put her down before you drop her , " she yelled at him . She noticed my black eye and her mouth dropped like a skydiver jumping out of an airplane . She nearly fell back but she caught herself and her blue eyes turned gray . " What happened , " she demanded for an explanation . Robert explained everything before I even noticed what was going on . After listening to him she turned her head toward me . " Is this true ? " she asked me . I shook my head ' yes . ' " Get to your room right now , " she yelled in a fierce voice . 10 : " You are not going out with him tomorrow night young lady , " she yelled at me when I was up in my room . I started to cry . Robert seemed to hear me and told my mom , " your a jerk , " and marched up the stairs to me . He walked in my room and sat down beside of where I lay and dried the tears off of my face . I sat up while he pulled me against his chest ; we sat like that for at least thirty minutes . I had fallen asleep , but he stayed with me for the rest of the night after he called his parents and told them where he would be . The next morning I awoke under my covers , but he still sat in my room beside of my bed . He stayed there till I was finished getting ready for school . Robert and I walked out of the door together , holding hands . 11 : Chapter 2 The Beating We arrived at school within five minutes . We walked through the door , but today was different , everyone was staring at us as if we had just robbed a bank . Max Greene walked up when he noticed my black eye and he apologized . I forgave him even though he had caused me a big majority of the pain I had . Even though Robert had already cured most of it . School went by like a tornado through a corn patch . Robert wouldn 't let me go straight home like I was supposed to do . He took me to a farm five minutes away from the school . " Surprise , " he said in a glorious tone . The farm had a white house , a red barn , five horses , three cows , four sheep , ten chickens , six rabbits , and a goat . " This farm belongs to me , I come here when I get bored , " he told me . " It 's beautiful , " I admitted , amazed by the farm 's glorious colors and articulation . We walked over to the barn . While he fed the animals I walked around petting the horses . There was an Appaloosa stud whom was two years old named Camanche , a Paint mare whom was two years old named Dolly . There was an Appaloosa filly only two 12 : months old named Buttons , and a Paint colt only four months old named Flash . There was an old Quarter gelding whom was twenty - one years old named Skip , he had one foot on a banana peel and another on his grave . He had finished by the time I got done petting them all . So we went down to a tree beside of the red barn . Robert climbed up into the tree and reached down to pull me up , which he managed successfully thanks to my ' lightweight . ' We sat in silence up in the tree for at least ten minutes . " I love you , " Robert admitted to me , breaking the silence first . " I love you too , " I told him once I caught up to what he was saying . " I lied to you , " I admitted . " What do you mean ? " he asked , upset . " I lied to you , remember when you walked me home that day when those guys ganged up on Susan and I ? " I asked . " Yes , I remember , " he replied . " Well Susan told me over the phone not to like you and she threatened me : ' if you ever go out with him then I will slit your throat . ' That 's why I told you I couldn 't go to the dance with you , not because I didn 't have a dress or that I didn 't know how to dance , because I can dance really good actually , I wasn 't grounded either . I just didn 't want to get hurt or even worse , killed . She was serious about it , too , because if she wasn 't she wouldn 't have slit my wrist the next day , " I admitted in a rush . 13 : " She slit your wrist , let me see , " he interrupted me , angry . Before I could answer he had already grabbed my arm and was pushing up the sleeve of my shirt and stared at the big , long slit across my wrist for at least ten minutes . " I don 't want to see you around her ever again your putting your on life in danger to be around her , and I most certainly don 't like it , " he said , angry again . " Come with me , " he said , jumping out of the tree , unangry . " Jump I 'll catch you , promise , " he yelled up to me once he landed on the ground . He held his arms out and I jumped . I squinted my eyes until I reached the bottom . When I realized that he had caught me , like he said he would , I opened my eyes . He put my feet on the ground and walked off expecting me to follow . I ran after him and reached out to grab his hand . Robert automatically stopped ; he looked at me grasping my hand . " There 's a bear in my corn field , " he said grasping my hand harder . Robert and I ran into the house , him nearly dragging me , and locked the door . We ran up the stairs and into a room . " Don 't come out till I get back , " he said , leaving . When he returned I was asleep and he woke me up . " The bear is gone , " he said . 14 : I shot up like a fox getting its rear end peppered with a B - B gun . " How did you . . . ? " I managed to get out before he interrupted me . He told me the whole story of how he got rid of the bear . When he finished we walked downstairs to the kitchen of the house . He grabbed himself a coke . " What do you want to drink ? " he asked me . " Water , " I told him . He got me water from the refrigerator . Robert and I walked into the living room . He sat down in a big blue chair and I sat down onto a big , long couch . There was a long awkward silence that lasted at least ten minutes . " Are you grounded now or was that a lie too ? " he asked , being the first to break the silence . " No it was over yesterday , " I answered him . " Don 't ever lie to me again , okay , " he said . " How old are you ? " he asked me after a couple of minutes . " Seventeen , " I answered . " And you ? " I asked . " Seventeen , turning eighteen tomorrow , " he answered . " Are you going to move in here ? " I asked casually . " Yes , actually I moved my stuff in here yesterday and I 'm moving in today , " he answered . " When are you turning eighteen ? " he asked . 15 : " Friday , " I replied . He got up and walked over to the couch and sat down beside me ; it felt like he couldn 't get any closer , my breathing became shorter and quicker as my heart started beating faster when he leaned in and started to laugh at me . " What ? " I asked . " You 're breathing short and hard , " he whispered into my ear . " OH MY GOD , what is your problem ? You never make fun of a girl like that , " I lectured , furious . I got up ; Robert grabbed my arm and pulled me back down . He leaned in even closer , gradually , until he got so close we could fit a magazine between us and it wouldn 't fall . Robert got up and walked back over to the big , blue chair , where he had originally sat in the first place , and sat down . " What time is it ? " I asked when my temper faded . He looked down at his watch , " 7 : 50 , " he replied with a sad look on his face . " I have ten minutes until curfew , " I said looking at him . " Let 's go , " he said getting up . " Your mother doesn 't like me , we better hurry , " he continued . I got up and followed him out of the door . We made it to my house two minutes late . My mom bursted out of the door after 16 : me with a belt in her hands . She slung the belt and hit me with it on the face . She slung it again and hit my left eye . I fell to my knees and grasped my face while Robert ran up the driveway to me . " Anne are you alright ? " Robert asked warily , while picking me up and walking away from the house . He headed toward his farm that we had just come from . We arrived back at the farm quicker than I had ever imagined . He walked in the door , still carrying me , and walked into the living room and laid me down on the couch . He walked off to get me an ice pack . When Robert returned I was sitting up on the couch . He walked over to me and placed the ice pack across my left eye . " How is your eye feeling ? " he asked me , still a little worried . " Better , " I replied lying to him . It had actually gotten a little worse . " I 'm not going back , if I do she will only hurt me worse , " I told him , fear in my voice causing it to crack . " Has she done this before . . . beat you like that ? " he asked . " Yes , " I stuttered . I rolled up the legs of my jeans , showing him all the cuts and bruises on my legs . Then , pushing the arms of my sleeves up , showing him the cuts and bruises on my arms . " Why didn 't you tell any body ? " he asked , expecting an answer . " Because she threatened to kill me , " I told him , cold chills appeared on my arms 17 : while having a flashback . He got up and walked over to me . He picked me up and carried me up the stairs into the same room that I had been in earlier when he was getting rid of the bear . " You can sleep in here until I get a room fixed up for you , " he told me . He looked down and noticed that I had fallen asleep and that I was cold . Robert laid me down on the bed and covered me up with the comforter . He walked out of the room closing the door behind him . I heard the door close and it woke me up . I got up , and walked out of the room . I went downstairs looking for him . " Robert , " I called out for him when I couldn 't find him . " Yeah , " he said from behind me . I turned around . " Anne , what do you need ? " he asked in a polite tone . " Why did you leave ? " I asked . " Because you were asleep and I had some work to get done in here , " he explained . " Oh , " I sighed . I turned around , embarrassed , and walked back up the stairs and into the room . Robert followed . Inside the room he grabbed my arm and spun me around . " How is your eye feeling ? " he asked . " It doesn 't hurt any more unless I touch it , " I answered . " Do you want to go get some of your belongings tomorrow ? " he asked . " No , she might hit me again , " I told him . " Okay , that 's fine . . . your cold go lay down and cover back up , you need your sleep , " he told me . 18 : " Okay , " I agreed . I turned around , and I walked half way to the bed . I spun around , and ran to him . I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped up in his arms . " You take me , " I demanded . Robert walked forward and laid me down on the bed again and covered me back up . He turned and walked out closing the door on his way . " Robert , " I called . He walked back in . " Don 't leave . " " Okay , I won 't , " he said walking over to a chair beside of the bed . Before he sat down he leaned over the bed and kissed me on my forehead , then sat down . Within ten minutes I was asleep . 19 : Chapter 3 The Hospital " Good morning , " he greeted me when I awoke . " How long have you been awake , " I asked him . " Since seven ' o clock this morning , " he answered . " How is your eye ? " he asked . " It doesn 't hurt any more , but it 's awful watery , " I replied . " Come on down stairs , I 'll get us some breakfast , " he suggested . " Okay , " I agreed , getting out of the bed . Robert and I walked out of the room and down the stairs . We walked into the kitchen where he told me to sit down . " What do you want to eat ? ' he asked me . " Cereal is fine , " I answered . He grabbed two bowls from a cabinet , two spoons from a drawer , a carton of milk from the refrigerator , and a box of cereal from another cabinet . " I was thinking , since tomorrow is Friday , that maybe we could go get some of my stuff ; she doesn 't beat me on my birthday , " I challenged . " Alright , sounds like a plan . Do you want me to get a policemen to go with us so she won 't or can 't try to , or keep you from getting your stuff ? " he asked . " Yes , just to be on the safe side , " I answered . Robert walked over to the table with two bowls of cereal and two spoons in his hands . He set them down on the table and sat down . " Thank you , " I told him when he placed one of the bowls in front of me . 20 : " Your welcome , " he replied back . " We 'd better hurry or we 'll be late for school , " he continued . Within a few minutes we were done and we headed off to school . Robert and I were at school within five minutes . We grabbed our books from our lockers and when the bell rang we went to our classes . We didn 't have any classes together , but we saw each other in between classes . Robert and I also sat together at lunch , when Max Greene and Jane Frits walked over . Max grabbed my arm and yanked me up out of my seat . He dragged me across the cafeteria while I watched Jane sit down in front of Robert like I had been . Robert got up , angry , and walked over to me where Max had dragged me . When Max saw Robert approaching he picked me up and slung me over his shoulder , not aware of how much pain I was now in . " Put her down , look at her can 't you tell she is crippled , man have some dignity , you 're putting her in even more pain than before . If you really like her than you 'd put her down and leave her alone . Besides if I know her like I think I do , she doesn 't like you and she probably never will either , " Robert yelled when he made it over to us . Max put me down and said , " I 'm sorry . " I ignored him and ran to Robert 's side , wrapping my arms around his waist . While at the same time , I laid my head on his chest crying from the pain . Robert picked me up and carried me out of the school building and headed home . 21 : " Did he hurt you ? Anne , how much pain are you in ? " he asked . I didn 't answer ; I continued to hold my stomach . " Are you able to talk ? " he asked , worried . I shook my head horizontally . I moved one of my arms around his neck and pulled my head up to his left ear and whispered , " I can 't breath . " Robert stopped dead in his tracks , moved over to the sidewalk , and laid me down . Then , Robert gave me CPR , and I began breathing again . He picked me back up and carried me the rest of the way home . When Robert and I arrived at the farm , he carried me to the door , unlocked it , walked in the house , and then over to the couch , where he laid me down and walked off into the kitchen . He came back with an ice pack and a glass of water . When he noticed the cold bumps on my arms he walked off , without saying a word , into a room down the hall from the living room and came back with a blanket in his hands . He walked over to the couch and spread the blanket across me . I sat up and motioned for him to come and sit where my head had once been . He walked over and sat down . Robert pressed down on my forehead , for me to lie back down , but barely added pressure . I laid my head back down but this time on his lap other than on the seat of the couch . I soon fell into a light sleep . I awoke that night at about six ' o clock . I had slept a total of three hours . I started to sit up but a strong force pulled me back down , I looked up , and there he sat where he had been when I drifted to sleep although , he was playing with 22 : my hair . " You have the softest hair , " he assured me . I giggled in response . It hurt . " Relax , " Robert whispered to me . " It hurts , " I told him . " What hurts ? Where does it hurt ? " he asked . " Everything , everywhere , " I answered . He grinned . " What ? " I asked . " Does your arms hurt ? " he asked . " No , " I answered . " Then you 're not hurting everywhere , " he explained . Robert pulled me up by my arms and sat me on his lap , putting my head against his chest . He grabbed my wrists and wrapped my arms around his neck . Moving very slowly he placed one hand under the back of my knees and the other on the center of my back . He moved forward , getting ready to pick me up the couch when he stood . He pulled my legs in tighter , very carefully , and stood up , holding me against his chest . Robert walked into the kitchen and sat me in the chair I was in earlier . " What do you want to eat ? " he asked . " I 'm not hungry , " I answered , looking up at him . " Yes you are , " he told me . " Owww ! " I yelled out in pain . " Please get rid of the pain , " I begged . Robert ran over to me and picked me up in his arms , like he had before . He then sat down with me on his lap . He rocked me in his lap until the pain gradually past . I soon fell asleep . 23 : Robert suggested , releasing my waist from his arms . Robert picked me up , the same way as he had yesterday , and walked out of the door . We arrived at the hospital in twenty minutes . Robert got the doctor to give me an x - ray and the doctor discerned that I had two broken ribs , four bruised ribs , and he went ahead and examined the rest of my body . My left arm ended up having a hairline fracture . The doctor , during this process , noticed all of my cuts and bruises so he pulled Robert aside so Robert could explain what had happened . " She has always been a good kid , why did her mother do that to her ? " he asked . " Her mother doesn 't like me and I had her home two minutes past her curfew , and I 've been living with her for a total of two days watching her yell in pain , you wouldn 't prescribe her some medicine would you ? " he asked the doctor . " Yeah , I could tell she was in pain when you carried her in , so yeah , I 'll prescribe her some pain medication , " the doctor replied . " Thank you sir , I 'm going to go sit in her room to keep her company . " When he walked in the room my face went from a frown to a grin . " Hey , " I said to him . " Well , I see you 're awake , " he said . " Yeah , they gave me some pain medicine and told me I could leave any time I wanted , " I mentioned . Robert moved from his position at the door over to me and stood beside of the bed I was laying in . " Are you ready to go now ? " he asked . " Yeah , " I answered . 24 : " Good let 's go , " he said , grabbing my clothes off the counter from beside him . " Do you want me to go get a nurse to help you put your clothes on or can you do it on your on , " he asked . " I 'll need the nurse , but you don 't have to go any where there is a button right over there , just press it , " I pointed out to him . " Well I 'm still going to have to leave so that you can get dressed , " he mentioned . " Robert , just press the button , " I demanded . He walked over and pressed the button without saying a word . The nurse walked in . " She needs help putting on her clothes , " he told the nurse . " Will you help me get her to the edge of the bed please ? " the woman asked . Robert nodded and helped the woman get me to the edge . " Hold her back , " she demanded . Robert placed his hands on the middle of my back and added little pressure . The women pulled my jeans up to my knees . " Will you help me get her jeans on her ? " " No , absolutely not , she needs her privacy , " he told the woman , strictly . " She still has her gown own , " she assured him . I sighed . " Please help , this nurse is being to rough , " I whispered to him , begging . " Fine , switch sides with me , " told the woman . " When she changes her shirt I 'm outta here . " 25 : They traded spots , but he did it a little bit different than she did . He put my arms around his neck and lifted me up , then finished pulling my pants up . I buttoned them while he left the room . The nurse had no problem helping me with my shirt . When she finished she left the room and Robert walked in and helped me off the bed . Soon I was standing , but my legs began to wobble so he picked me up and kissed my forehead . He walked us all the way back to the house on the farm ; by the time we arrived I was asleep . When I woke up the next morning I was laying on the couch . Robert was nowhere in sight . Then , I noticed a piece of white paper lying in my lap . I picked it up and read the note . Gone to pharmacy Be back soon . My ribs were hurting by the time he was back . " I see your up , do you need any of your medicine ? " he asked me . " Yeah , my ribs are beginning to hurt again , " I answered . He gave me some medicine and the pain vanished within ten minutes . I stood up and headed up the stairs to my room . Robert walked over to me . He helped me up the stairs and once at the top where my room was he opened the door for me , 26 : as I walked into the room and over to the bed he jumped out in front of me , scaring me to death . He wrapped my arms around his neck and placed his hands on my waist being very careful . He lowered his head to make his height level with mine , moved one hand to my face , then he leaned over and kissed me for the first time , not counting the two times he kissed my forehead . Robert moved his other hand and placed it on the opposite side of my face as the other . I kissed him back until he abruptly stopped and left the room five seconds after he came in the room . " Good night , " he called over his shoulder . 27 : Chapter 4 Moving Out The next morning I woke up at seven o ' clock and went downstairs after I got dressed . Robert was still asleep in his bed in his room across from the living room . I walked over to the couch and sat down until he walked out of his room . " Did I wake you ? " I asked him . " No , " he responded . " Robert can we go get my stuff today ? " I asked as he made his way to me . " If you want to , sure , let me go heat up the truck , " he answered . " You have a truck , " I said sarcastically . " Yeah but I only use it when I need to haul something , " he chuckled . Robert walked out the door and a minute later I could hear the truck 's engine roar . He walked back in . " Are you ready to go ? " he asked . " No , let me go brush my hair and then we can go , " I replied . Two minutes later I came back downstairs and walked over to him . " Don 't let her do anything to hurt me , " I said to him . " I won 't , I promise , " he spoke in a firm voice . Robert put his hands on my waist and lifted me up , wrapping my legs around his 28 : waist . He then wrapped one of his arms around my back and the other to the back of my head . He stared into my eyes for two seconds and began kissing me . I wrapped both of my arms around his neck and kissed him back . Robert stopped kissing me and I opened my eyes to find his gazing at me . " What ? " I asked . " You know , your so beautiful it 's hard to stop looking at you even for a second , I love you way more than you 'll ever know , " he admitted . " Same here , I love you too , way more than you love me , " I clarified . " In your dreams , " he chuckled . " Your probably right if you turn who your pointing that at , " I said . Robert sat me down on the floor and wrapped his left arm around me and led us out of the door . He stopped once out the door and locked it , and then proceeded on to the truck . The truck was a blue Chevrolet and in perfect condition . He helped me up into my seat and closed the door , then walked over to his side and got in and closed the door , then turned the key in the ignition . We buckled up and drove off . Robert and I arrived at my mother 's house within five minutes . We got out and walked up to the door . Robert rang the doorbell . My mother came to the door and answered it . She had a blaze of fire run through her eyes . Robert pushed her out of the way and pulled me in behind him . 29 : " Go gather some of your clothes in a suitcase , " Robert told me . Then he turned on my mother . " Ma ' am , you should have seen the pain you put Anne through . And if you did you would want to kill yourself I know I wanted to kill you for it , but seeing her made me understand that if I did it would only hurt her worse . You don 't deserve a daughter like her and that 's why she will no longer be living with you , " he lectured . " Get off my land before I call the cops , " she yelled fiercely . " Okay , you do that , but when they get here Anne will show them all of her cuts , bruises , x - rays , and casts all of which you done to her . So you either let her get her stuff or say good - bye because you 're going to jail , " he threatened . Robert walked past her and up the stairs after me . " Need any help ? " he asked . " Yeah , just a little , " I answered . " What do you want me to pack ? " he asked me . " You could put those two piles of clothes over there in that suitcase right below them , " I mentioned . He walked over to the piles of clothes , bent down , opened the suitcase , stood back up , grabbed one pile of clothes , stuck them into the bag , and repeated the process again for the second pile of clothes . When he finished he zipped the bag , closed it . He walked back over to me . " Anything else I can do ? " He asked . " Ummm . . . you could grab my summer clothes from that dresser over there . " He took the same suitcase over to the dresser and began piling the clothes in it . 30 : " Ummm . . . you could grab my summer clothes from that dresser over there . " He took the same suitcase over to the dresser and began piling the clothes in it . " Okay , anything else ? " " No we 're finished , " I told him . Robert grabbed some of the bags and walked out of the room . I grabbed the two " All I know is she may strike again if your not careful , " he told me , a serious edge to his voice . Once Robert and I were home we unloaded the bags off the truck . We went to the door and Robert unlocked it . We went in and closed the door behind us . Robert and I walked up the stairs and into my room . We unpacked my clothes and stuck them in a dresser . He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me and the oddest thing happened it didn 't hurt . He leaned over and kissed my forehead . Robert released me and grabbed my hand and led me out of the room , downstairs , and into the living room . He pointed to the couch signaling for me to go sit down . " You need to sit down and relax , " he clarified in a quiet and gentle voice . I sat down on the couch following his orders . Once I sat down I looked over to him . He walked over to me and I fell asleep in his arms . 31 : Chapter 5 Healed and off to school The next morning when I woke up I was feeling great . I was shocked ; I was lying in my bed . I got up and went downstairs . Robert was in the kitchen making breakfast . " Hey ! " I chanted , walking over to him . " Hey ! Sleepy Head , how was your night ? " he asked . Robert spun around before I could answer and picked me up into his arms . I opened my mouth to answer but before I could answer he pressed his lips to mine . " Great , " I managed to answer between kisses . " And this morning ? " he asked , still kissing me . " Even better , " I replied . He had never kissed me this way before or this long . Suddenly , he stopped and put me down . I stared at him , confused . " What ? " I managed to say . " Did I hurt you ? " he asked , staring at my ribs . " No , Why ? " I asked , meeting his gaze . He lifted my shirt up far enough to examine my ribs . He , lightly , ran his fingers across my ribs . " Amazing , " he replied . " Your ribs are healed . " He grabbed my hand and unwrapped the bandage to examine it also . " Really ? Maybe that 's why they don 't hurt anymore , " I said , excited . " They don 't ? " he asked , pulling my shirt back down . " Your arm is no longer broken either , " he continued , picking me up into his arms like a baby . He walked us over to the couch and sat me down . 32 : " Are you ready to go back to school ? " he asked , rolling my pants legs up . He looked surprised . " Your legs are no longer bruised or cut up , either . " " Yes , I 'm ready to go back to school , " I replied . He rolled my pants legs back down and stood up . " You can go back tomorrow , which , of course , I 'll be with you , " he said , taking my face in his hands . I wrapped my arms around his neck , while he stood up so that he would pick me up with him . This time instead of kissing me , I wrapped my legs around his waist , knotting them there . I moved my face to his and began kissing him . Robert wrapped one of his arms around my waist , holding me up . He slid his other hand up my back and to the back of my head , holding my face to his . I pulled away , gasping for air , and so was he . Robert started laughing . " What ? " I asked . " Am I a good kisser ? " he asked me , still laughing . " I don 't remember , kiss me again so that I can , " I challenged . " I 'll take that as a yes , " he chanted , leaning in . " You should , " I qualified . He started kissing me again but with more enthusiasm than before . Robert sat me on the couch again , never leaving my lips . He gripped the hair on my head as I mimicked the same to him . He moved me onto his lap and pulled away , leaving a pout on my face . " So , how good of a kisser am I ? " he asked again , breathless . 33 : " I thought I was in Heaven , " I answered him , blushing . " So why am I not allowed to go to school today ? " I asked changing the subject to hide my embarrassment . " Because , since you are healed we are going to celebrate , " he answered . " How ? " I asked , curiosity filling my voice . " Anne , we are going to do this all day as much as you want , " he answered , pulling my lips to his . After a couple of seconds I pulled my face away . " I need some air , " I stated , getting up and heading for the door . Robert ran over to me and swooped me up into his arms , carrying me the rest of the way outside . He sat me on a bench that was on the porch and began laughing . I lifted my arms up in the air ; Robert walked over to me , and picked me up in his arms . This time he didn 't pick me up like a baby , instead he picked me up like he was going to give me a piggy - back ride but he held me in front of him instead of behind him . " This is new , you never want me to pick you up , " he verified . " Really ? " I asked , laying my head on his right shoulder . " Yeah , " he answered , kissing my hair . " Do you mind ? My wanting you to hold me , I mean , " I asked . " Of course , I don 't mind , actually , I love that you want me to hold you , I wouldn 't 34 : ever put you down if I had the chance , " he answered , a smug smile on his face . I pulled my head off his shoulder and looked down . " Do you want me to put you down ? " he asked . I leaned in to kiss him and shook my head " no . " " I love you , " I whispered in his ear so my voice wouldn 't crack . " Really ? I love you , too ! " he chanted . " Will you take me back in now ? " I asked . " Sure , " he said . " You never have you put me down as long as I have something to do about it , " I said , laying my head back against his chest and smiled . " You know I will take you up on that , right ? " he asked . " Yeah , but I don 't care . What were you laughing about earlier ? " I asked . " You were acting like you hadn 't ever been kissed before , you looked . . . shocked , " he continued . " I 've , actually , never been kissed before in my life , until you came along , and you half surprised me , because I didn 't see it coming , and I was half shocked , because I didn 't know you could kiss that great , " I admitted , my face still hidden . The next morning I woke up in his arms . I looked up and he was already awake . " What time is it ? " I asked . " Six forty - five , " he answered . " Would you let me go get ready for school ? " I asked , pleased that he stayed with 35 : me all night with me on his lap . " You said I never had to let you go , but sure go ahead , I know you want your privacy , " he answered , unwrapping his arms from around me . " Thanks , " I said , getting up . I walked out of the room and up the stairs to my room , grabbed some clothes from the dresser , went in the bathroom , took a shower , put my clothes on , then brushed my teeth and hair . I grabbed my schoolbooks and ran downstairs . " Robert , " I yelled out , looking for him . " Yeah , " he came out of his room . " It 's raining outside , " I announced . " I know , I 've already got the truck heated up , are you ready to go ? " he asked . " Yeah , I 'm ready . . . almost , " I admitted . " What else do you have to do ? " he asked . I didn 't answer . I leaned in and kissed him . He laughed , " Come on . " Robert picked me up , carried me out of the door , and sat me in the truck , locked the front door , then got in the driver 's side of the truck . He stuck the key in the ignition , and stepped on the gas . We made it to school earlier than we normally do . Robert pulled into an empty parking space . We both got out and walked to the door of the schoolhouse . I went to my locker and gathered my books for my first block class . Robert met me 36 : at my locker once he had finished at his . He walked me to my class and kissed my forehead . Max Greene ran over and knocked Robert on the ground , picked me up , and ran with me . Robert got up and ran after us . He caught up with us within ten seconds , grabbed my arms and wrapped them around his neck , then shoved Max into the wall . Robert grabbed my legs so that I wouldn 't hit the wall with Max . " Thanks , " I told Robert . " No problem , now run to class before he tries again , " he ordered , putting me down . 37 : Chapter 6 The Fight After school Robert and I walked to his truck . Max noticed us and ran over . " Get in the truck and lock the doors , " Robert demanded . I didn 't answer and , yet , I couldn 't move , either . " Anne , do what I said , please , " he begged . I still didn 't move . He picked me up and put me in the truck and locked the doors behind him . " What do you want , Max , " Robert yelled . " For you to leave that girl alone so I 'll have a chance with her , " he replied . " Too bad , I can 't do that man , I love her and she loves me , " he yelled , not quite as loud this time . " Where did you hear that lie from , " Max laughed . " It 's not a lie and she told me herself , so why don 't you leave her alone to live a happy life away from the people who hurt her , " Robert yelled at Max , furious . Max threw a punch at Robert but missed . Robert slung around and hog - tied Max with his belt right after giving him a bloody nose , black eye , and a busted lip . Robert got in the truck and drove off . " Why didn 't you get in the truck like I told you to ? " he asked . " I 'm sorry , I couldn 't get my legs to respond with my brain , " I apologized as we pulled into the driveway of his house . He stopped in front of the house and turned to look at me . 38 : " It 's okay , I 'm not mad I was just curious is all , " he told me . Robert got out and came to my side , opened the door and picked me up into his arms and kissed me . " Really , I 'm not mad at you , " he informed me again . " I know . You know , it 's really not a lie I really do love you with all of my heart , " I confessed to him . " I know you do and I love you , too , " he admitted . I started smiling and looked up to see that it was raining . " Let 's go in , " I whispered . Robert closed the truck door . He walked onto the front porch and unlocked the front door . Then , closed the door behind us . Robert sat me down on the chair and left the room . It was unusual because he normally sits me on the couch . When he walked back into the room he was holding a small blanket . He walked over to me , picked me up , sat down , sat me on his lap , and covered us both up with the blanket . " Your freezing , " he choked out in laughter . " Sorry , " I apologized . " Sorry ? What for ? It isn 't your fault that you 're cold , " he said , rubbing my arm . I shrugged my shoulders and buried my head into his chest . Soon I fell asleep . " Anne , wake up , " Robert spoke into my ear . ' This is odd he never wakes me up , ' I thought . I opened my eyes to see his face a few inches from mine . " Hey Sleepy Head ! How was your nap ? " he asked , kissing my forehead . " Wonderful , so , why did you wake me up ? " I asked him . " Well I figured that you might want to get some sleep 39 : tonight and if you slept all afternoon you 'd be up all night " he answered . " Ahhh . Thank you , " I thanked him . " Your welcome , " he replied , touching the tip of my nose with his index finger . I sat up from my slouch and tried to get up but Robert tightened his grip around me . " Where do you think your going , missy ? " he asked , a smile crossing his face . " I was just going to stretch , I 'm starting to grow stiff , " I confessed . " Oh , well go ahead then , " he sighed , relieved . " Just kidding , you don 't have to ask my permission to get up , go where you please , I don 't mind . " I stood up and collapsed back into his lap . Apparently my legs were already stiff . He laughed . I stood back up , not falling , and stretched . I grabbed his hands in mine . Robert stood up and I wrapped my arms around his neck , motioning for him to pick me up , and he picked me up . I stretched my face up to his and kissed him , lightly . " Where to ? " he asked . " Bathroom , " I replied . He didn 't answer but he walked out of the room , down the hall , and stopped in the doorway of the bathroom , he placed me on my feet and closed the door on his way out . I walked out of the bathroom just as soon as I was done washing my hands and drying them . 40 : " Hey beautiful , " he commented me as I stepped out of the door . Robert walked over to me and picked me up . " Where to now ? " he asked politely . " Wherever , nowhere in particular , " I answered . " Your choice . " " All right then , it is six o ' clock , you are going to take your shower upstairs and I 'll take mine downstairs , I have a surprise , " he chanted . 41 : Chapter 7 The Surprise When I was through with my shower and had my clothes on , I walked downstairs . To my shock Robert wasn 't waiting on me like usual , I was waiting on him . At that moment I heard his water shut off . Two minutes later he walked out of the bathroom , fully dressed . " Wow , " my mouth slipped . " What ? " he asked . " You , you look great , " I admitted , stuttering . " Thanks , I 'd say the same about you , but I would use something more powerful like : hot , beautiful ; not great , " he said , staring . He walked over to me and picked me up . We kissed for one short minute . " Why am I wearing this dress ? " I asked , curious . " I told you I had a surprise for you , " he chanted . " Well , what is it ? " I asked . " You 'll see , " he answered , teasingly . " That 's no fair , " I told him , a slight pout in my voice and on my face . " No , your no fair , do you know how hard it is not to give away the surprise is with you ? " he asked . " No , but I do wish you would tell me , " I admitted , trying to flirt . " Follow me , I am not going to ruin the surprise , so stop flirting with me ' cause it 42 : ain 't going to work , " he said , sternly . " Why not ? " I asked , wrapping my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer to him than before and leaned my face in toward his . " If I kiss you will you change your mind ? " I asked . " It 's possible , " he answered . I leaned my face in toward his even closer and began kissing him . Robert wrapped both of his arms around me and lifted me up off of the floor . Robert dug something out of his pocket and music started playing . Robert put me back on the floor and put his hands on my hips . He pulled his face away from mine slowly , careful not to hurt my feelings . " Surprise , since you are now heeled , living with me , and we both missed the Spring Dance , we are going to have our own dance , just the two of us , " he told me , chanting rather . " Really ? " I asked . " Yeah , unless you want to do something else , if you don 't want to we can do what ever you 'd like , " he said , starting to waltz . Robert lifted one of his hands to my face and brushed his fingertips against my jawbone , then lifted his other hand to the center of my back and pulled me closer to him . He lowered his face to mine and kissed me . We stopped dancing , and Robert lifted me up , wrapping my legs around his waist . " Have I told you that I love you , yet , today ? " he asked . " Yes , I do believe you have , " I answered . " Well , I 'm going to tell you again just to be sure , I love you , " he chanted in between kisses . 43 : " I love you , too , " I told him , yawning . He stopped kissing me . " Your sleepy , let 's get you in the bed , " he told me kissing me one last time about ten short seconds . Robert carried me upstairs and stood me up in my room . " Get your bed clothes on , I 'll be back in a minute , or when I get mine on rather , " he told me , kissing my forehead . He left the room , closing the door behind him . 44 : Chapter 8 Surprise Visitor I walked over to my bed and pulled my clothes off , replacing them with my lacy nightgown that has spaghetti straps and reached half way down my thigh . Suddenly , I saw a movement in my peripheral vision . I turned to face what it was . I stopped mid - turn and noticed that my window was open . Something sprung at me . " Robert , " I screamed . " Help . " Ten seconds later Robert ran in the door , without a shirt on , and pulled a man off of me . Robert rammed the man 's head through the door and left him there unconscious . " Are you okay ? " Robert asked me , searching my body for any damage . I started crying and Robert knelt down and picked me up , cradling me against his chest . " What 's the matter ? Are you hurt ? " he asked . " Anne , please tell me if he hurt you , " he begged . I shook my head . " He scared me , No , I 'm not hurt , " I choked out in between sobs . Robert sat me down on my feet . " Go close and lock the window , " he told me , kissing my forehead . I did what he told me to do while he pulled the man 's head out of the door and pulled his mask off . I screamed in terror when I saw the man 's face . " That 's my dad , he 's been after me ever since the day I was born , " I told Robert . " Call the police , do something , he 's waking 45 : up , " I panicked . Robert had tied him to a chair his wrists and ankles tied together . Hearing this , Robert punched and broke my father 's nose . He backed away slowly to the other side of the room , away from my father . " Anne , please come over here so I don 't have to worry about him attacking you again , " he begged , holding his arms out for me . I took off , running to him , and jumping into his arms , burying my face into his collarbone . Robert wrapped his arms tightly around me , pulling me against his still bare chest , firmly , in protection . Robert pulled his cell - phone out of his pocket and dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . There was a long pause . " 103 Gallop street , " Robert told the receptionist . He closed his phone . " I wonder how he knew that I am here and not at my mother 's house , " I thought aloud , still crying into his chest . " I don 't know , not even my own parents know I live here , " he told me . " How did he climb the house and get in the locked window ? " he asked , muttering to himself . Robert pulled my face up , level with his . He noticed that I was still crying , and he wiped the tears from my eyes with his fingertips . " Anne , why are you still crying ? " Robert asked me , worried . 46 : I shrugged my shoulders . " Anne , your gown is ripped , " Robert said , panicking . Robert took off with me in his arms to the couch . He laid me down flat , and searched , through the hole , for any damage on my skin . " You have a two and a half to three inch cut across your ribs , " he told me . " Weird , I didn 't feel it and it doesn 't hurt , " I admitted . " Anne , have you ever noticed that everybody is out to get you , most likely kill you ? " he asked me . " Everybody except you , " I corrected him . " Don 't move , I 'm going to go get some gauze , antibiotic , and a bandage to clean that up , " he told me , heading for the bathroom . My dad became conscious and pulled a knife from his shoe and threw it at me like a dart but luckily he missed . I screamed . Robert ran into the room with the stuff in his hands . " Anne , what 's the matter ? " he asked . " He just threw a knife at me , " I answered , nearly screaming . Robert didn 't say anything . He walked over to my dad and kicked him in the head , knocking him unconscious . " Anne , are you alright ? " he asked , walking over to me . " Yeah , he missed me , " I answered , crying harder now . Robert walked over to me and pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and laid it across the bottom half of my body . He pulled my gown up far enough to work on the cut . He put some antibiotic on the gauze pad and placed it on my wound . Then , he wrapped the bandage around my ribs to hold the gauze in place . 47 : Chapter 9 The Police At that moment someone knocked on the door . Robert walked over and let the police in and then showed them where my dad was . Then , Robert walked over to me . " If you don 't mind closing your eyes , my girlfriend needs to get up , " Robert suggested to them . " Sure , " one of them answered . " Everyone close your eyes , this young lady needs her privacy , " the same one commanded of his crew . Robert walked over to me and pulled my gown back down and lifted me up off of the couch , allowing the gown to fall back to my thighs . He didn 't set me back down on my feet ; he kept me in his arms . " Alright , she 's decent , " Robert assured them . The head Chief was the first to talk . " What happened ? ' Robert began explaining from the beginning . " I left Anne in her room for her to get dressed to go to bed . When she screamed I ran upstairs to see what was wrong and when I bursted through the door that man was on top of her , choking her to death , so I ran over and pulled him off of her and rammed his head through the door . I had her to go shut and lock the window , of which he climbed through to get in , while I pulled his head out of the door and dragged him downstairs and tied him up , as you can see now . Then , I noticed a slit in her gown . " he motioned to the hole in my gown . " She ended up having a two and a half to three inch 48 : inch cut across her ribs from a knife I hadn 't known he had . I went to the bathroom to get some supplies to clean and bandage her up . Then , she screamed again so I ran in the room and asked her ' what 's the matter ' and she told me he threw a knife at her so I walked up to him and kicked him in the head and asked her if she was okay . She told me that he 'd missed so I walked over to her and bandaged her up when ya 'll knocked on the door . And , well , ya 'll know the rest , " Robert finished . " We would like to see the evidence , " the head chief said . " Well , " Robert said , setting me down on my feet . " I would like it best if ya 'll would allow her to cover her bottom half , " he continued . " As you wish , " the head chief agreed . " As you can see , here is the slit in her gown , " Robert motioned . " Anne , stay right here , I 'll be right back , " he told me . Robert walked over to the couch and grabbed the blanket . He returned with it held out in front of him and wrapped it around me like a skirt . He , then , pulled my gown up far enough that the cut was in view . " And here is the cut across her ribs , " he continued , unwrapping the bandage and removing the gauze . " May I wrap this back up now ? I don 't want it to get infected . " " Of course , " said the head chief . " Thank you , " Robert said , wrapping me back up . 49 : When Robert finished wrapping me back up , he pulled my gown back down and removed the blanket . He noticed I was cold and wrapped me in the blanket and picked me up in his arms against his chest . " Follow me to see the whole in the door , " Robert said , walking upstairs . I closed my eyes . " That 's one nice girl , " a man said . " Yeah , I know , I got lucky , but she , however , isn 't as lucky , " Robert told the man . " What do you mean ? " the man asked . " It 's like everybody is out to get her , kill her actually . Her mom beats her , that 's her dad downstairs , and there 's a guy at school that keeps harming her . See these scars here ? Her mother done them , " Robert explained . " Poor girl , she must stay terrified , " the man suggested . " Yeah , if it were any other girl , I 'd say she 's too much trouble , but I love her , " Robert admitted . I sunk my head into his chest deeper and started crying . " Anne , what 's the matter ? Are you hurting ? " Robert asked . I shook my head , " my ribs are killing me , " I answered . " Sir , you wouldn 't mind my going downstairs to get her some pain medicine , would you ? " Robert asked . I groaned . " No , sure kid , go ahead , she looks like she 's in pain , " the man answered . " Thank you , sir , " Robert said , walking downstairs . 50 : Robert walked into the kitchen , sat me down in a chair , grabbed a bottle of pain medicine from a cabinet , got a glass of water , and placed them on the table . He , then , got two pills out of the bottle , laid them in my hand , and gave me the glass of water . I took the medicine and gulped the water down after . Robert put the medicine back in the cabinet , came back to the table , picked me up , and we headed for the stairs . When we began to climb the stairs the head chief called , " we 're in here . " Robert stopped and turned around , heading for the living room . " Stop , " I told him before we were in view . He did as instructed . " What 's wrong ? " he asked . " Nothing , " I answered into his chest . " I just don 't want to face him right yet . " I lifted my face so that our heads were the same height . I placed my lips to his , without hesitation . " Okay , let 's get on in there so they will leave soon and we can have some alone time , " he challenged . " Sounds perfect , " I agreed . 51 : Chapter 10 Alone Robert and I entered the living room as the squad exited through the door with my father . Only the head chief remained . " I would like to speak with the two of you for a moment , if you don 't mind , " said the head chief . " Sure , we can talk , " Robert announced . " What is your girlfriend 's name ? " the head chief asked . " Anne , " Robert answered . " Well , Anne , would you like to press charges or . . . ? " he asked , trailing off . " I don 't care what ya 'll do with him , I just want him and my mom to stay out of my life , " I told him , without hesitation . " What was that dear ? Did you just say him and your mom ? What has your mom done to you ? " he asked . " Yes sir , my mom used to beat me before I moved out . Have you not seen my scars ? " I asked . " Yeah , but I never knew the stories behind them , " he admitted . " Well that 's where they came from , " I told him . " Would you like me to arrest her ? " he asked . " If you don 't mind , " I said . " Where does she live ? " he asked . " 300 Rock Elm street , " I answered . 52 : " We will leave now , thank you for the extra information , although I would like to ask one more question , " he said . " Shoot . " " What is your mother 's name ? " he asked . " Rochelle Black , " I replied . " Thank you , Goodbye , " he said , walking out of the house and into his car . Robert closed and locked the door . He walked into the living room , still carrying me . Then , sat us both done in the big , blue chair . " Do you feel safe enough to sleep in your room or do you want to sleep else where ? " he asked . " I would rather not sleep in that room , I 'd rather stay right here , " I admitted . I wrapped my arms around his neck . Then , rested my head against his shoulder . Robert wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead . " You wouldn 't mind my going to go get change , would you ? I never actually got the chance , " he mentioned . " No , I don 't mind , you can go straight ahead , I 'll be right here when you get back , " I replied . Robert stood up , with me in his arms , and walked toward his room . " What are you doing ? " I asked . " Taking you with me , " he answered . " Why ? " I asked , confused . 53 : " I 'm not letting you out of my sight or reach unless you 're taking a shower , using the restroom , or changing , " he admitted . " But you have to change , don 't you want your privacy ? " I asked . " Of course I do , you are going to stand , or sit , in a corner with your back facing me , " he answered . " Okay , " I breathed . Robert entered his room and stood me up facing the wall . " Stay here , " he said , walking over to his bed and bringing back a chair to sit in . Robert sat the chair down behind me . I sat down . He walked over to his dresser and grabbed some clothes from the drawers . . . When Robert finished putting his clothes on he came over to me and picked me up . " I love you , " he told me . " I love you , too , " I murmured into his ear . " You look sleepy , " he stated . I yawned in agreement . Robert kissed me for two short seconds . I relaxed , and placed my head on his shoulder , then closed my eyes . One of my arms fell against my stomach and the other on his chest as I drifted into a light sleep . When Anne 's family moves to Philadelphia , she has no idea that she will find a man who not only saves her from danger but also realizes that their relationship is stronger than some adolescent affection . Anne first realizes this attraction when a gang attacks her and her friend Susan in a dark alley headed home from a grocery store when Robert takes battle by her side . Anne and Robert attend the same school together . When Robert admits his love for Anne she is scared stiff of the threat Susan has placed upon her . Everything is great , Anne has healed and is with Rober . . . moreWhen Anne 's family moves to Philadelphia , she has no idea that she will find a man who not only saves her from danger but also realizes that their relationship is stronger than some adolescent affection . Anne first realizes this attraction when a gang attacks her and her friend Susan in a dark alley headed home from a grocery store when Robert takes battle by her side . Anne and Robert attend the same school together . When Robert admits his love for Anne she is scared stiff of the threat Susan has placed upon her .

When my brother had to start school , a year before my formal start , he was super scared , his face turned white , he had a stomach ache , got sick and threw up . Father went with him and took me along . Every day for a couple of weeks we were in the school with my brother . His phobia didn 't get better , but it was August and Father was needed at home for the harvest . He hated leaving him in the school in this condition , and he couldn 't let the grain go to waste either , so he put me on a chair next to him and said : " Now you have Iris here , so I am sure it will be ok . She will go with you and sit next to you so you won 't have any problems with your stomach . " He accepted this and I ended up sitting in the amazing world of school . It was the best school semester of my life . Nobody focused on me . I sat and looked at all the letters , all the pictures that the children drew , heard the hymn they sang in the morning and other songs , was with them outside during recess , and sat among all the other kids . The one called ma ' am , I heard her voice the most , and sometimes there came fantastic stories I could play with in my own world . Strange new words that formed light , colors and shapes that I could play with inside . I got to participate in all the nice things there , the reading aloud together , all the stories that ma ' am told , I could watch all the games and the calisthenics between the desks ; I got to eat milk and sandwiches in the cloak room . I got to be in my world and at the same time be present in the ordinary world in my way , and nobody expected anything or demanded anything of me . The other children used to play at our house , so I and my behaviors were not unknown , and children don 't judge , unless grownups teach them to . My brother probably didn 't need me for very long , but I got to sit there the entire semester anyway . But after the Christmas break I was not allowed to continue . Father tried to arrange it so I could stay there , but with my peculiarities and my strange development I was seen as anything but ready for school . Father said I wouldn 't be much better a year later , but it didn 't help . After one semester school was irreversibly over for me and then I regressed and got depression . I started to wet myself again , stopped responding to attention from others , and resumed some stereotypy : I flapped my hands , spun my head , drooled , resisted undressing , and ran away every day . Father was worried , but decided to give me all possible care and kept at it with a lot of effort until summer came . He often asked : " Iris , what is it with you ? What should we do with you ? Now you are just as difficult as when you were little , and we can 't have that . " But I couldn 't answer , in my world there was no answer , there was only empty and nothing and I didn 't know what was missing , only that it was empty . The summer after this spring semester turned out to be a nice time . It was like I knew I would start school in the fall and I became lighter and lighter in my mood and easier to handle . Father was glad that it was easier make contact with me , and I didn 't go into my state as often , or as soon after contact . I wet myself less often and ate better . I started school , but it wasn 't the same as before . Now I had to sit at a desk , sit like ma ' am wanted , and I was supposed to perform , which was completely incomprehensible to me . At the first opportunity I ran over and sat down where I sat during the first semester and ma ' am came and brought me back to the desk . Ma ' am got irritated and upset , thought me defiant and careless and punished me often by sending me out to the cloak room . I liked that a lot . I could sit there with my ear to the wall and hear everything happening in the class room . I often went Out and floated into the class room and was there in their atmosphere . It was lovely . Then I could float about among the word pictures ; to A as in ape , B as in banana . It took a while before I could stop humming , and since I always used to make some sound to keep me company , it was strange to not hear them . Father had taught me if I wanted to stay in school I had to hum on the inside instead of the outside , and this I had learned to do . I sat there and sounded inside and then others didn 't mind , and I got to stay . Then there was the bell that ma ' am rang . As soon as it happened the kids went into motion and ran away . In the beginning I didn 't understand it , but after a few months it dawned on me that the sound meant that if you were inside you were supposed to go out , and if you were outside you were supposed to go in . Not so that I thought it , or that it would have worked if I was alone , but passively I knew it . That 's how it often was , somewhere inside I knew what different things meant , but I couldn 't translate it into any appropriate action or show that I understood . And then there were the questions . Somebody asked me something and I often knew the answer when it was about some everyday concrete thing . But I never knew what I should do with it , and this led me to start dancing , spinning , rambling , or screaming instead . This inner state where things connect indiscriminately instead of naturally has been the hardest thing for me to get straightened out . It took many years into adulthood before I succeeded in organizing things so they hung together sensibly . I was also wont to provoke ma ' am like when she had just thought of something she was going to sausage - stuff the students with . When I saw what she was about to say , before she formulated it in words , I could pick any word at all , that had nothing to do with her thoughts , and then this word came out of her mouth , " dress " , or " blue paint " , which made her really confused . If I was really mean I could get her to say a cuss word , and then she was crushed for the rest of the day . But it was risky to try to stick in a word that was too much in conflict with her own morals and values , because then she might come to a dead stop , and say nothing at all . Then she would start over , frustrated and irritated , and eventually some unfortunate child who wasn 't paying attention received the brunt of her irritation . She never connected any of this to me . I had learned this trick of influencing people to keep my mother from killing me . When I made her crazy and got her impulses going she was unable to control them . She was frustrated because I wasn 't a normal child and sometimes got the urge to attack me or kill me . For that reason she never wanted to be alone with me and just said : " take her away " instead of doing something to me . That way I was protected from being hurt by my mother . But when I was around seven or eight I figured out that I could divert her anger away from me . When her impulse came , there was a kind of space between her and me where I could stick in something , for example a thought about the " stove " , or " the water faucet is running " , or " somebody is coming " . Then she got distracted and turned her attention to it instead of against me . She didn 't feel manipulated , but was happy that her impulse had been diverted . In my world there was only one thing of each kind . One person had one name , another had another . If somebody 's name was Erik and there was another named Erik , only the first one existed . The other one fell away . Then you had to say Erik Eriksson and Erik Andersson . It was so difficult to generalize , because if there already was one , you couldn 't in the same sentence mean something else by it . This also became my problem in school . First we learned A for apes , B for banana . No problem , I knew the alphabet before I started school . But when the apes and bananas and the citrus were put together to form completely different words ; when you had to think completely differently , it became chaotic for me and I developed a bunch of strange reactions . Then ma ' am sent me out in the hall so I would calm down , and I sat there and became calm . The problem was that I missed learning to read . I didn 't grasp that the letters were abstract symbols that could be combined to form different words , and it took until I was fourteen before I figured that out . Ma ' am didn 't understand how to help me , she just got frustrated . She was sixty - four years old and she had never had a student she couldn 't teach to read and write . I was an abomination that destroyed her peace of mind because I was so strange and incomprehensible . Ma ' am was concerned and called for a meeting . Father was there and said he was sure I learned stuff even if I couldn 't produce results . Ma ' am said she had been a teacher all her life and she would indeed make sure that even I would learn to read and write . If not , I was retarded and then I should be in a special and not a normal class . It offended her greatly that I was such a spoiled child who wouldn 't submit to the rules like everybody else . She tried to get me classified as retarded with the help of various experts , but that didn 't succeed because Father did not go along with it . He agreed that there was something the matter with me , that I was under developed , but not that I was retarded . He had dealt with retarded persons so he knew they were unintelligent all the time . But with me it was different ; I was especially talented in some areas and completely impossible and undeveloped in others . He couldn 't say what , but something was different about me . The experts got together do some tests on me . Father asked to sit in a corner of the room since then they would find out what I actually knew , but this was not allowed . He had to sit in the waiting room . I was in with the experts and they gave me tasks which I didn 't bother to do . According to the tests , I was completely incapable and undeveloped , but they could see that I really wasn 't , so they understood that it involved some kind of immaturity . They tried to get Father to sign off that I was retarded and he refused . In my papers it says that I am " underdeveloped " , with quotation marks . Father 's view that I wasn 't retarded was based on his realization that I did understand , and also that I was able to do most practical chores , although most often it didn 't occur to me to do them . Sometimes when he had the time and inspiration , he tested me . He got out all the clothes I was to wear and laid them out in the hall . Then he stood in the doorway talking with someone . Simultaneously he concentrated on me and thought intensively " Undershirt , undershirt , undershirt … . " , and after a bunch of rituals , climbing in the stairs , waving of hands , uttering of sounds , I got the undershirt on . He continued with panties , socks , long pants , sweater , shoes , and overcoat . After about 45 minutes of sending these directions out in the atmosphere he got me dressed . Then he knew that I was able , but there was something wrong that caused me to not do it automatically or understand that I should do it because it was too cold to be naked . Another of the many times I was to be tested Father again asked if he could sit in a corner of the room . He explained that I didn 't see the point of answering all these questions , but if he could be in the room , even if I couldn 't see him , it would become apparent how much I actually knew . They viewed this as manipulation , and hence he was not allowed . They only got one answer out of me , and from that they could tell that I understood more than a retarded person . And since I could answer one question correctly they thought I was trying to provoke them by not answering the others also . They tried to entice me with rewards , but this caused me to be so intolerable that they gave me the reward without me performing anything . They tried with punishment , i . e . just sitting there quietly and looking annoyed , and then I just started laughing since I enjoyed myself in that situation . On this occasion Father got a lot of criticism . They considered it his fault that I was the way I was , that I was spoiled and was just faking . They were agitated and frustrated because it seemed like a cat and mouse game to them . Father said again if he could sit in the room without looking at me and without saying a word they would get the result they were after , but this they absolutely could not accept . Moreover , their prestige was now involved so the struggle with me was one they intended to win . The test was supposed to take two hours , but they kept at it all day , not stopping until their quitting time . On one occasion when they were relaxing and talking amongst themselves I was sitting in front of a game with asymmetric triangles , and in no time at all I had laid them correctly . When they noticed it and started looking at me I lost my concentration , but they could see it was correct . This was a riddle for them . They understood nothing . This puzzled them and created even more question - marks around my development difficulties . One of the experts understood why Father didn 't want to sign a paper and have me declared stupid . She realized that he understood that I wasn 't normally developed , nor well functioning , so under - developed was probably a better word than retarded . She said something to him to the effect that I did have intelligence but that I had a peculiar way of using it . This satisfied him , because that 's how he saw it also . This was characteristic for me . One moment I didn 't seem to understand anything at all , and the next I displayed brilliant insight . Father had experienced this many times . I could motor - talk , fantasize , and recount and create all kinds of absurd conjunctions , all the way from the universe to the most everyday trivia . If you listened carefully you noticed that not much escaped me , but my way of using what I had picked up was nonsensical . In the middle of all the rambling I might pop out with the solution to a problem that they had wrestled with for a long time . That single sensible sentence I could address to Father and say it in such a way that he , in that moment , could not imagine that there was anything wrong with me . And a few minutes later I was into my word jumble again , and then it was clear that something was off . Father refused to put me in a special class . Not because he was against a special class , but because then I would have to be transported to the city and be with a lot of strange new people , and he knew this I could not handle . He finished the meeting by saying : " There is a law that says that children have to attend school for seven years , but this law doesn 't say what they have to learn , so then she 'll have to stay in the first grade for seven years if she doesn 't learn what you require for her to be promoted . In any case she will not go someplace where she can 't orient herself , because that would harm her and this I will not subject her to . I don 't care if she amounts to anything , but she will at least have a good life and not become shy and anxious like her cousin . " With that the discussion was over and that 's how it became . I got promoted . Not because I learned anything or could provide any kind of evidence for it , but because ma ' am didn 't want me in her next first grade class but instead wanted to be rid of me as soon as possible . And so she accepted that I was like I was . We went to a B - school ( a school with several classes in one room ) , so the first year my brother and I were in the same class room , and this was good for me . Partly because I got to go with him to and from school , partly because he was responsible for me putting on clothes when I went outside and ate my lunch in the cloak room during recess . It was like it had been the previous year and that was secure and pleasant for me . I often sat and observed when my brother and his buddies played and I felt like I was with them the same way I was with them when I sat on the milk platform at home . I never understood when recess was over and I didn 't connect the teacher 's ringing a bell with the idea that we were supposed to go inside . Those kinds of connections were unintelligible for me . Not until my brother said explicitly to me that bell ringing was equal to inside did I get it programmed into my skull . When that had been done I had no problem following that procedure . That 's how it was for most things . If somebody said how it was supposed to be in a way that I could program in I was able to do exactly what was expected of me . But when I tried to learn it on my own because " she ought to be able to do this at her age " , and when on top of that , different rules applied in different contexts , then it didn 't work . My learning system was very awkward and my memory system even more messed up . As a result , although I knew everything that the others knew , I couldn 't use the knowledge in any sensible way , and it was the using of it that counted . It was about using it , but also about using it in a " normal " way . It didn 't click for me because I could never grasp what was normal , how it needed to be for all unspoken expectations to be fulfilled . We had a Christmas party . All of us children stood in two files in the cloak room with the parents somewhat behind . Ma ' am stood beside me and just before we were to go in she couldn 't resist saying to me : " Try to show now that you can go directly to your desk " and wagged her finger . If she hadn 't said that I would have gone directly to my desk , but her turning towards me and talking to me without pre - warning made me completely rigid . It got cramped in my body , and the whole room pressed in on me and I entered another reality that made it impossible for me to go directly to the desk . I was forced to find some way to make my body happy again so that I would be able to go to my desk . When the other kids began going inside , first the one file , and then the other , I started to whirl around and round and whirled myself to the other end of the cloak room and back again and I whirled into the class room behind the last child in the file . Ma ' am couldn 't say anything because with the parents there she had to smile the whole time . The whirling was finished and when the other kids went directly to their desks , I made a right turn and walked behind the teacher 's pulpit and the organ , which was forbidden territory . Then I squeezed myself in behind the long bench with instructional materials that stood in front of the windows . In each window I drummed a couple of times on the window sill . When I had got furthest back in the class room and drummed on the last window sill my body felt glad again and then I could squeeze behind the materials bench again and go to my desk . I sat down without waiting for the order from ma ' am and then all the other kids also did it , and ma ' am became all red in the face . If the parents hadn 't been there she would have told us all to stand up and wait for her to tell us to sit down , but she knew I wouldn 't comply so she was forced to bite the sour apple and accept that for a brief moment she had lost power in the class room . I had waged this kind of battle with my mother thousands of times . When she ordered me to do something it made it completely impossible for me to do as she said , because then I would get annihilated by climbing into a dark empty space , or catch fire or blow up . During that time there were two states for me . Either I was in the emptiness , which for me was the same as dead . It wasn 't something I was actually afraid of , but it wasn 't life . Or else I was in a state where I heard and saw and was aware of my surroundings , which I liked better . Actually I wanted nothing more than to do as mother said , but when she ordered me I lost my grip on that consciousness and went into the emptiness again . And it was like being forced to go to sleep while I was having fun . To avoid this and remain in the consciousness I had to wave my hands , or whirl , or hum , or motor - talk and to keep doing it until mother had stopped thinking about what I was supposed to do . Then first , was it possible for me to approach it . I felt that I had to do it , just not in a " normal " way and not as long as mother was expecting it . What mother usually didn 't notice was that I eventually did as she said . And the times she noticed it she still wasn 't satisfied because I hadn 't done her way . The second year when my brother and his class had moved to another school , Father practiced walking to the school with me . He took the dog along , and it learned the way and to follow me . So that year the dog went with me and turned around at the road crossing . He sat on his side and waited for me to get inside the school yard , and when it was time to go home he was sitting in the same place waiting for me to come out from the school yard . This arrangement only worked if I came across the road . If I went in another direction , the dog sat there and barked all he could but he didn 't follow me . It was too far from home for Father to hear the dog barking , so then it might take a while before I got home . I often went to a small dam where there was a tree with a big branch growing out over the water . There , I sat in hiding and rocked myself Out into the real world . Other times I went into the woods and sat under a spruce tree that I loved . Eventually I went home . Father had followed me a few times and knew where I went so he waited strategically the hours I normally was away . I always went the same way home , and the dog sat faithfully and waited until I came . A few weeks into the new school year a new boy started in my class . He was short and skinny . As a child he had dumped a pot of hot water on himself so his chest and arms were scarred . He had an under - bite and poor vision . He had an atmosphere that I liked . There was something about him that awoke me out of my state of floating in somebody 's presence without making contact . I could sit and watch him during the periods and follow what he learned . I saw when he understood things and could enter it in my lists . In this way I became more cooperative and pleasant for ma ' am , even though it in no way was sufficient . Then there was a doctor 's examination and they found that he needed glasses . His dad had arthritis and couldn 't work , and his mother had to take care of him and everything else so they couldn 't afford to buy glasses for the son . Then the county stepped in . he got a pair of " county - round " glasses , which he got teased and bullied for . One day when I passed the school after a few dream hours in the woods , my class mate sat in the ditch and cried . His glasses were stomped to pieces and he didn 't dare to go home with them . He told me that the big first grader , together with some other boys , had laid in wait for him behind the school yard hedge and beat him up , and that didn 't matter , but they had stomped on and broken his glasses that he got from the county , and this he was in despair over . From the place where he sat you could see the road going in a wide half circle through the open fields . I saw the red haired boy leisurely making his way home . I took a shortcut across the field so that I caught up with him before he made it to the houses and rushed right at him . I beat and beat him till he lay on the ground and begged and pleaded . I stopped but by then he had a black eye and a bloody lip , and he was all dirty from his red hair to his shoes . He was half a head taller than me and lots stronger , but he was stunned by the rage that hit him . Then I went back to the class mate and told him to go home and said that I would tell Father about it and he was sure to fix it . He did so and I ran home to the barn and related the story . To start with he didn 't understand anything and thought it was my usual fantasies , but he sensed that there was something else in what I was telling him , something unusually real , so he asked me to tell it to him again , several times . I told the same story several different ways , but with the same gist . The boy 's broken glasses , the one who did it , that he got beat up by me , and also a bunch of other details that had no proportions . A short while later , the father of the beaten boy called and berated him about his daughter that was so wild and violent that she attacked his son . Father asked him if he thought that there was a reason for it but he maintained that I had just been mean and wanted to do harm . He had indeed heard about me through ma ' am so everybody knew very well that I was peculiar and liable to do anything : throw tantrums and scream , bite and kick . Father asked the man to come with him to my class mate so they could straighten things out . No , that was not possible , that had nothing to do with this matter . Father told him they were poor people , that they had gotten their son 's glasses from the county , that they couldn 't afford to buy new ones , and father wanted absolutely that the boy be able to tell his story in a safe environment , namely his home . Father took me along and we went home to my class mate . We waited there some hours but the father and the other boy never showed up so my class mate told his story to his parents , Father , and me . Then it came out that the boys , with the big one in the lead , had harassed him ever since he got to the school , and that they made sport of getting him to cry , and this time he had managed to not cry and then they took his glasses instead and stomped on them . A few days later Father was called to the principal 's office . He went there and told the whole story . The principal had received a report from the boy 's father and now I was to be punished . Father straightened everything out and got the principal to write a report so that my class mate got new glasses and that was the end of the matter . Any punishment for me didn 't happen either . I got up earlier in the morning than anyone else . If mother had taken away my Iris - smelling clothes and put out new clean ones , the normal spectacle ensued . If she had put out a flannel shirt I turned it inside out because it was softest on the outside and I wanted to have that next to my body . This was not acceptable and we would have a struggle that could last half an hour . I also wanted the buttons in the back so that the collar came above the knitted sweater at the throat ; there was also a fight about that every time . Mother didn 't understand how much trouble I had with my sense of touch . If it wasn 't nice and soft it would be intolerable , unpleasant , and anxious for me . Because of this super sensitivity , if somebody caressed me with a light touch it was like fire in my body and I got totally freaked out , threw myself backwards and screamed . I always avoided that kind of contact and therefore I always had an urge or need to lean against something . When the clothes were " broken in " they were soft and they smelled of someone known , that I called Iris , and then it was easy and pleasant for me to put them on and be in them . When I came home from school I was able to change to different Iris - clothes and that also worked for me . But every time mother changed them and I got new clean clothes it was the same hell for me . But she thought I was just defiant and stubborn , that I just wanted to make trouble for her and create a scene to get attention . Such was not the case . That 's not what motivated me ; it was the discomfort with my skin that caused my reactions . The same difficulty arose when I had to start to wear shoes in the fall . I couldn 't stand shoes , so I put on booths . Mother wanted me to wear shoes when the weather was nice ; she was ashamed of me when I walked in boots in warm sunny weather . Then I would normally go barefoot , but that wouldn 't do at school . Ma ' am complained about it and mother hassled me . Father tried to get me to wear shoes but that didn 't work any better . He didn 't understand either that my feet hurt so much it was unbearable to wear shoes , that I got all preoccupied inside and it became a kind of anguish that caused everything else to disappear from my world . This struggle continued until I was eleven . Then I inherited a pair of leather shoes that were just right , that were made of real leather and fit like a glove . The same story took place when winter came and I was supposed to wear snow boots . They were just as uncomfortable as shoes and I put on my rubber boots instead . Mother considered it too cold and she didn 't intend to be embarrassed by not getting me to wear snow boots . She put heavy wool socks on my feet so I couldn 't fit in the rubber boots , but then I took my brother 's which were bigger , and to her chagrin I was wearing rubber boots anyway . After a week she finally won the battle and I accepted the snow boots . The thing was , I didn 't have a lot of perseverance , so sooner or later the function that had created the resistance got turned off . It had to do with my inner focus and nobody knew , including me , when it would shift , but it did shift all of a sudden . Different periods came with different hang - ups , some simple that my surroundings could ignore as eccentricities , and others that were more difficult to deal with which they were forced to confront me with , and this was hard for whomever had to do it . It only lasted for a time because after a while it got integrated into my patterns and then it didn 't bother me anymore . It could come back , but then only for short periods . I was very dependent on ma ' am having a structure : that she did things the same way every day . The important thing was not that she told us her plan for the day and stuck to it . The important thing was that she had a structure within herself . When she did have that , it came out in the atmosphere where I could see it , and then I could be present in my own way in the class . But when she didn 't have a structure , like when she had a cold or was preoccupied with her own problems , no structure came out in the atmosphere and I wound up in the emptiness . The content wasn 't too important , it could vary , I liked that , but the pattern needed to be the same . When we got to school we put our outer garments in the cloak room , and were in our stocking feet or slippers . Then everyone lined up in a file and went inside when ma ' am opened the door and rang the bell . Everybody said : " Good morning ma ' am " and she answered : " Good morning " and said the name of the pupil . I didn 't answer but I waited anyway for this event every day . Then we sat down on command and ma ' am told us if there was somebody who was ill . Then she read a verse and we sang a hymn . The hymn was written on the board so everyone could read the text . It was changed every week , so it was about forty hymns per year that were used . I didn 't sing but I learned the words and played with them in my mind , let them pass in review as long patterns forming the strangest shapes . At my confirmation I could recite all the hymns that had been used during my school years , but without understanding the religious meaning . Connecting to something as abstract as an invisible god that somehow constrained people 's thinking , acting , and doing , that fell outside my range . There was nearly always somebody who misbehaved during the first hour of the morning and it often ended with himher getting some form of punishment , dunce cap on in the corner , or sitting in the cloak room until recess , later to be allowed inside and receive the admonishment from ma ' am . I loved these kinds of interruptions . It got like fireworks in the atmosphere and I could be floating around in it while it lasted . Then ma ' am took over command , and if nothing else happened to enrich the atmosphere , my stereotypy soon started . I waved my hands , pulled the skin off my lip , jerked my head sideways . Then ma ' am usually got irritated , or some class mate complained to her . Then she dealt with me , and after a while there was movement in the atmosphere and I could stop . Thus the second school year elapsed with many small incidents . Like my mother , Ma ' am was disturbed by my mere presence and wished the whole time that I wasn 't there , or rather that my disposition was like the other children 's . But it wasn 't and Father tried to tell her the only thing was to ignore the disposition I had . But this they couldn 't , they got frustrated and irritated and felt I was the one that caused their discomfort . In a way I needed to have somebody in an emotional state , whatever the emotions were , so that I could be present and participate in the ordinary life . Otherwise I ended up in my own world and was far away from contact with the human sphere , and that was even more irritating for ma ' am , because then she knew that I didn 't learn anything essential . I never knew that people distinguished between positive and negative feelings . Since I didn 't experience them myself , I thought one kind was just as good as the other . School was good for me and I learned a lot , even if it wasn 't what was intended , i . e . reading , writing , and arithmetic . I learned to copy words , almost like drawing a picture of an object in the room ; the word I drew was just a picture and I knew what the picture meant , but I was not receptive to learning . I observed what was around me but did not participate in the sense that impulses and initiatives arose in my mind that would cause me to respond , learn , and have new insights . The little that I memorized was mostly parrot knowledge . Then it was over when it was over , and I had no reconnection to it later so as to be able to repeat it in a test or in practices . Then I would do something completely different , because I didn 't understand what I was supposed to do ; what was expected of me . It was a great source of irritation for ma ' am because she mainly thought that I was sassing and provoking her . She felt hurt and offended and thought me rude and inconsiderate since I had no regard for her feelings . This was true . This I didn 't know how to do . I didn 't understand a whit about that you could get such feelings , or that they were negative . At graduation ma ' am cried and said this was the worst school year of her life and moreover it was her last before retirement . She said she had not been able to manage me and that I was a blot on her professional pride as a teacher . I didn 't grasp that this was something negative so I was quite pleased that she talked about me and mentioned my name several times . It got very light and beautiful in the atmosphere . People commented later on how I could look so pleased about having been such an affliction for the teacher . There were pupils from several communities , so we went from being a small class to one of about 30 students . It was hard for me because there was so much new all at the same time . A new teacher , new students , a new school all in combination often caused me to escape to a bath house in the park and sit on a boulder behind it . There I could sit and be in my own world . When the lesson had been under way for a while some of the others came to get me and I followed them inside . The new teacher had heard about how strange I was , and Father had met her and gone through most of my behaviors and how best to deal with them . She had no prestige vested in having it done her way and this made it easier for me to be in her atmosphere . She was a joyful person and quite boisterous and this made the atmosphere around her animated . We sat two by two which suited me very nicely ; I could copy my seat mate 's exercise book . She was left handed so it was easy to see her word pictures or figure pictures since her hand was not in the way . Consequently it was not clear what I knew and didn 't know , because what I turned in was often ok even if it suffered from the same errors that the other girl had . Fortunately she was very good and made few errors so it wasn 't too obvious that I copied her . As for reading , I didn 't know how to put letters together but I was good at listening and remembering . If had reading homework , my brother read it to me a couple of times while I was looking at the book memorizing the word pictures I looked at , and eventually I learned the whole thing by heart . The problem was when I had to read aloud and had missed some little word like " and " or " it " . If the teacher stopped me then I couldn 't continue on , but had to start over from the beginning . What saved me was that the teacher didn 't have the patience to listen to it again , but let the reading be continued by someone else , and this way I got along ok . Then it was time for yet a new school and a new teacher , a man who had a master 's degree . We were the same students as before so that was a known , but there was a whole new atmosphere around this teacher . He thought I was interesting and he said already one of the first days : " I have no idea what 's the matter with you but I will really try to make sure that you can learn what you are supposed to so I can give a report on you also . " Then he placed me in the first row , just below where he usually stood and he always had his focus on me when he was talking to the class . It was a brand new experience that I had not had before . A person who was interested in me without being frustrated or irritated or wanting to train me to be something other than what I was , that was like a new world . Sure , Father had the same attitude but it was still something special , I had never met anyone else with interest in me , a real interest in trying to understand me . He told the class that since I had some difficulty understanding the material by reading it myself he would go through it all during class and that this would make it easier for all the others as well , since they would need to only brush up on it at home . It got me some brownie points with the class that they got a new method of teaching that made it easier for everyone . It also turned out that the weaker students could absorb the knowledge more easily and thereby got better grades . Now I know that wasn 't the whole truth . I have since realized , after many years of study and mentoring in schools , that he was an extremely capable pedagogue , who was able to use himself in the teaching process in a remarkable way , that is still just as unique . He had the ability to sense what the individual students needed to best be able to learn and to incorporate this in his teaching method , giving all the students the best chance of learning . For him there were no difficult students , only challenges to be mastered and turned into strengths . He could see exactly what he needed to say and do to make the stuff he was talking about comprehensible for me . And he knew how to do it with the whole class involved . The class understood in the " small field " while I understood in the " bigger field " . And this was something entirely new to me . He knew he was a good teacher , but unlike Emma and Fil , he wasn 't aware of being present in the real world at the same time he was talking in the ordinary world . He could see when I hadn 't understood and then he repeated it again in a different way . During tests , he took me with him to the supply room while the others were writing in the class room . There he read the questions to me and let me talk . When I said something that could be used as the answer he wrote it down , and continued like that throughout the test . When this was done he gave me a blank sheet of paper and I copied what he had written down , and he accepted that as my response to the test . He did the same thing in all the subjects ; in this way I got a functional work book . He couldn 't figure me out , on the one hand I had memory like an elephant and could describe details that most of the other kids promptly forgot , and on the other hand I seemed completely lost and couldn 't answer the simplest question . In Swedish class he gave different composition topics for us to write about . I made a bunch of incomprehensible word pictures that neither he nor I could read . Then he had me stand by the lectern and tell a story and he wrote it down as fast as he could . He knew if he asked me to pause , I would start on a whole new story , which he did not want . Then I had to copy what he had written on my paper and he accepted that as my composition . " It was told by you , composed by you , written by you , so I can use it as the basis for your grade . " In math it was more difficult but he gave me a template to fill in and then he read out the numbers over and over in different ways , and let me do it over until it was somewhat correct , then he accepted it as the answer . The whole time he was trying to find the entry point for me to get the concept , and he accepted what I managed to accomplish with his help as good enough . He succeeded in making me believe that I wasn 't completely stupid , just had an awkward way of learning . When I started fifth grade with him I had turned eleven during the spring . My year from ten to eleven had been revolutionary . It was during this time that I discovered that people were people , that something existed that was specifically human , that humans could have a different connection with each other than with animals . This was so transformative for me that I ended up in a different world than the ordinary world I had been a part of before . I started to see people as individuals and tried to understand them and what they said , thought , and felt ; what they meant by what they said and how to understand the point of talking with others . I discovered that boys were something other than girls and that there was something special between boys and girls that created light and movement in the atmosphere . I didn 't understand what it was but it attracted me because it was so alive . I discovered that girls behaved differently when there were boys with them than when there were just girls or grownups , and that boys also became different when there were girls nearby and no adults watching . There was something about the contents of what was said also . Boys said a bunch of things for no reason and sense of where it came from , and the girls did the same , both to each other and to the boys . I realized it was something I didn 't understand and I didn 't have a clue how to find out what it was . It was something that other people had that I lacked , an ability that I didn 't comprehend , or how I could get it . That 's the mystery that I have been dealing with the rest of my life . I had learned that if I could think of nothing to say I could listen to the talk around me and seize on a word I recognized and start talking about it as a topic . I could tell what I knew , I could listen to what others knew , I could ask questions . I figured out that you could ask in different ways . One way so you got a yes or a no answer , which was uninteresting , therefore I was always pondering how to ask so the other person would have to explain what heshe knew . This caused me to end up in some strange conversations with people , and I thought it was great fun . Some thought I was batty and others that I was interesting , in any case it allowed me to be included . There were four girls around me paired two by two , and I was the fifth wheel . For me , in my world , I was included just by being in the same place . I didn 't understand that friendship was a different kind of relationship than the one I was part of . The others were strong willed and sometimes their wills collided and one or the other of the pairs broke up . Then I was always there for the one that was left out . I didn 't have a will of my own , I always wanted what the other one wanted , so with me there was never any conflict about what we would do . The girl that most often came in conflict with some of the others became especially important to me . She knew everything about how to be and act , how to dress to be in , and how one should be as a girl . She was thin , cute , happy and cheerful , and a lot of kids collected around her , especially boys . Father knew I didn 't have a good self - preservation instinct , and he realized that I could easily be exploited sexually by boys . But every time I met a guy that made a pass at me and I seemed to be attracted to him I did like my mother had taught me : Can I see him across the kitchen table for the rest of my life ? Most of time the answer was no and then I knew I shouldn 't be alone with that boy . If it was somebody I could imagine across the kitchen table then the next step was to invite him home to talk with Father , and then a lot of them disappeared voluntarily , and there were very few left . Father had confidence in that girl so she got the assignment to never leave me alone , but always go with me home . And that 's how it was ; we were never apart from each other if there were boys . What she did when she was with others or by herself I don 't know , but she and I never separated and we always rode home together . We had sports and different types of exercises and games in school . With individual exercises I might succeed sometimes but often I did something completely wrong and this caused the teacher to demonstrate with me as the guinea pig . First he did it himself , then he demonstrated with me , holding me and getting me to do it as he intended . This was fun and I liked gym very much . I thought I knew how to do it but if I tried it by myself , without his atmosphere and spirit , there were no impulses that steered me the right way . When we were playing handball I did not understand the rules . I kept throwing the ball in all kinds of directions , which interrupted the game so nobody wanted me on their team . Then the teacher told me to " Shoot at the goal keeper " , so I did . Wherever I was on the field I aimed at and shot with all my might at the goalie ; they were hard balls so the goalies did not like to stand in the way of them . I didn 't realize that the goal was where the ball was supposed to end up so wherever the goalie was heshe got the ball thrown at himher . This made me popular and all the teams wanted me and I was placed strategically and became the goal shooter . During the two years under the kindly guidance of my teacher I found out what the reference for life was , and I discovered the value of life , that human values were connected to life . During this period my interest for everything having to do with life and everything one could learn about it grew . I developed a conception of our globe , how big it was , that it was round , where it was located in the universe , that there were people that lived in different places and that life on Greenland , for example , was different from life in Sweden , about America and the emigration , about Africa and imperialism , about the Soviet Union and the cold war , about Sweden as a great power . I absorbed it all like a sponge and I loved collecting all the data I could get access to . Then I could use them when I wanted to talk and in this way I could communicate . The teacher told us about the peanuts in Africa . The authorities accepted only peanuts as payment for taxes and this forced the farmers to raise peanuts instead of something they could eat themselves , and this led to malnutrition . I was fascinated by how it was possible for it to be like that . In the real reality I could see how they could farm in a better way . Why didn 't people fix things when they noticed how bad they were ? I talked for weeks about this but noticed in my class mates that they didn 't give a damn . They often said : " So what ? That 's just how it is . Why should we worry about that , there are much more fun things to do . " I didn 't get this at all . I couldn 't imagine anything more enjoyable in all the world than collecting all this data , organize it into lists in my head and use them to communicate with . The friends around me thought I was impossible , they often asked me to talk about something else , or be quiet . They said what I talked about was boring and preferred gossiping about others . Father was the only one who liked this and relished it with me . He listened patiently to everything I told him about what I had learned and how I thought about it . He asked questions and didn 't seem to be the least bit bored . When I came home from school I went with him in the barn for a couple of hours and told him everything I had heard in school . He smiled and smiled and couldn 't hide his joy at these - in his eyes - strides . He thought that I had grasped something essential in life . He said if I wanted to know about life I could ask old people to talk about their lives . Farmor and farfar had died that year so it was too late to talk with them , but I thought if somebody else shows up I will do that . Now I started to think through all that Fil had told me , all that Emma had told and much that Father had told about his grandfather . Now I could think in a different way . I started to understand contexts and put different things together and discover that this led to new thoughts . It seemed like the world changed with each new discovery and I relished all the stuff there was to know and understand . Not far from our place was an estate that had a brick factory . In the wintertime there were some hobos living on top of the ovens and they were responsible for keeping the ovens fired and at the correct temperature for making bricks . If they did a good job , the squire gave them a meal each day . My brother went there and hung out with them and sometimes I got to go along . He said that they drank and could be violent and you had to watch out for the DTs , and that they might paw on small girls . I didn 't know what pawing was but I understood that it was a no - no . Later I have realized that the risk was minimal with a kid that threw a tantrum if you just touched her so I didn 't really have anything to watch out for . I went there , stood and waited by the doorstep until somebody came and asked what I wanted , and then I said I wanted them to tell about their life . This they were happy to do , they were loquacious and talked much about their lives and their history . They knew who I was because they had been at our place for a meal now and then . They had worked there a few days and got some beer , so they knew I was the parsonage girl . My older cousin , who had the same problem as I , only worse , was often with these men . He had tics and flapped his hands in front of his face and looked in porno magazines , since they had plenty of those . Compared to today they were like Ladies Home Journal , but in those days they were very daring and forbidden . The winter before I turned twelve in the spring , I got to hear on those evenings about a side of life that I didn 't know existed . One of the men had lost his parents when he was six . He had been sold to a farmer who was very mean and beat him . He had escaped with a hobo that came there and since then he had been on the road . The first few years he kept away so he wouldn 't get caught and sent back , and he got better and better at getting food . As a ten - year old he had arrived here and lived on top of the ovens . Looking back , I guess he was about thirty years old , but he was so dirty and ragged that he looked much older . The remarkable thing was that these men were willing to talk about all the misery they had experienced in life , how many beatings they 'd gotten , about all the drinking and fighting they 'd done , about how they had starved and suffered , how nobody wanted anything to do with them , how they couldn 't get work every day . Many of them had nightmares and couldn 't sleep , others saw ghosts in the middle of the day , and could unexpectedly be struck by panic and terror . And still they had a will to live , a joy in life , a light cheerfulness . They were quick to joke and laugh , quick to play and goof around , even about the most serious . One of them was a " tattare " . This meant he had gypsy background , but he had broken with his " baggage " , as he called it , and had wanted to be a normal decent Swede . Unfortunately , he had not succeeded . He couldn 't get a job because he was so dark skinned and looked so foreign . That was something very suspicious in Sweden . He didn 't know how to read and write and didn 't know how to behave since he was brought up with different manners and customs . He used to sneak into the church on Sundays , go up in the balcony and sit on the steps going up to the bell tower so that nobody would see him . He had talked to Father and liked him very much because Father wasn 't judgmental and condemning like other Swedes he had met . The reason he broke off from his family was that his mother had fallen in love with a Swede when he was little and abandoned her husband and him . He was seven then and his father was a violent drunk who at any time would tear him out of bed and beat him black and blue without reason . It was so humiliating that he couldn 't stand it . He asked for help but everyone looked the other way , and a few years later he left . He went from house to house and did day labor , but he was not allowed to stay . Everyone thought he was a thief but he had not stolen a thing in his life . The years from fourteen to sixteen were tough , but then he met an old hobo and got to accompany him here the first time . The old man was dead now but he remembered him and his stories , and he liked to tell them . Two things most of them had in common . They had all lost their home and their mother early in life , and they all drank liquor , home - brew that they got hold of on different farms where they did day labor . Those who had the capacity to work did , and came back with the liquor ration that they all shared . They said it was the only fun they had when I asked why they drank . Few of them had attended school and knew how to read and write , but two were very well read . They had attended the university , and become crazy , as they said , and therefore hit the road as hobos . They told about a life of drinking and carousing with the other students , how they never slept and partied all night , how they had had women , the kind that " lived off their body " , and they had gone to lectures . One of them was an aristocrat . He came from a fine family but had been very unhappy as a child . When he talked about it I understood that he had had similar problems to mine . But he hadn 't had a father that protected him from being punished for his strange behavior . He was raised by a nanny who for practical purposes became his mother . When he started school she disappeared from his life , and after that his life became nothing but a great agony . Without her he was lost and didn 't know how to behave and he was punished every time he made a mistake . When he was fifteen he ran away together with some hobos who had been there doing day work . He stayed in hiding for several days , and then he swapped clothes with one of them so as to not be recognized . He never looked his family up again . Another was the child of a businessman and had a mother who went insane when he was little . He loved her , for she loved him and they played and joked , but when he was five she was sent to an asylum and the father remarried a very mean woman who tormented him terribly . He never saw his real mother again and he still grieved for her . When he was ten and ready to start real - school he was sent to a boarding school where he stayed until he had done his matriculation exam . After that he got a room in Lund and started at the university , but then his insanity emerged and he was expelled . That 's when the two men met and became hobos together . The summer after this winter of enlightenment was completely different for me from the previous . I think it had to do with the different hormone flow in my body , and that something had happened with my consciousness which made it possible for me to understand reality in a different way . I also discovered how little I understood which made me realize that I needed to learn a lot things . For the first time I met an older boy who could touch me in a way that wasn 't unpleasant . We sat in a ditch and talked for many hours and he held me and it was pleasant . Hour after hour passed by and it was morning when I went home . When I got home they had locked my entrance door and I had to come in through mother 's and Father 's bedroom and got chastised thoroughly by mother . Father turned in the bed to look at me and happened to bump into my knee so I fell backwards into the closet with a crash . He burst into laughter which he tried to hide by putting the pillow over his face , but the whole bed was shaking ; then I got to go to my room to sleep . I devoted that summer to discovering closeness , to touch and be touched and not throw a reflex tantrum as soon as somebody wanted to have contact . My difficulty was that I had no clue how you should be or do . I asked all the others what they thought and how they got information , but they just said that they knew , or that it was self - evident , but it wasn 't for me . At least I got to know a bunch of boys and we , the strong willed girl and I , had an enormously good time . Then the last school year started . It was the same school building I had gone to my first years , but then I had been in elementary school . Now I was going to be in high school . He showed from the beginning that he didn 't like me . He had of course had a lot of contacts with my elementary school teachers , and he considered me the dumbest student you could imagine . He told me he would teach me to behave , and he certainly didn 't intend to tolerate any peculiarities and privileges that I had had with my other teacher . He said he had indeed received reports that he was very dissatisfied with . He thought I was spoiled , and it was time that I learned to know my place . Every time I asked something or answered something his face got all purple and he spit nasty words at me . I didn 't understand the nasty words so I asked him what they meant and then he got even angrier and thought I was making fun of him , but actually I did not understand . This caused my class mates to laugh at him , and the he got even more enraged . In the beginning of the semester I sat furthest back , but he brought my desk to the front and let me sit there as punishment . He stood there hanging over me when he was talking to the class and this was very unpleasant . He got altogether too close and I had an outburst . Then he took both the desk and me and threw us out into the cloak room . I sat closest to the door , so it was easily done . I put the desk back up , put in everything that had fallen out and went home . I went straight to the barn and told Father what had happened so he would be prepared if the teacher called . This he did , but the version he gave was very different from mine . But Father , who had had him as a teacher himself and disliked him , believed me more than him so he had no success in trying to make common cause with Father against me . This drove him crazy . Unfortunately for him and fortunately for me he developed a hernia a couple of months into the semester . He ended up in the hospital and had an operation . Then he developed peritonitis and took sick leave for the rest of the semester . We got a young new graduate as a substitute . This meant zero respect for the teachers , chaos in the classroom , few who were not tardy . Nobody did their home - work and nobody did the assignments during class . We mostly ran around buzzing with each other . The substitute grabbed me by my clothes and held me against the wall and said : " I respectfully don 't care if you can read and write , but you need to be clear about one thing : you will not disrupt a single one of my classes again . " Then he let me go and added : " I understand that you have difficulties , and if you want help with learning to read and write , I 'll be glad to help you . We won 't have time for it while I am the substitute here , but the elementary school near here will be changed into a special school , and I am a newly trained special teacher and I can help you after you have finished this school . That school starts this fall . " The teacher had me say the letters in all the words in a text . Then he had me sound all the words . Then I had to read through the whole thing straight and finally I could read and understand parts of it . To practice he gave me an assignment to read two hundred words every day . It didn 't matter what I read so long as I understood the contents . My brother counted out two hundred words in the daily paper and put brackets around them and then I had to struggle through it . First say all the letters , then read the letters as words , then read the words as sentences . When I returned to the teacher , I didn 't have to read through what I had practiced , instead he read it and had me tell him the contents in my own words . It was difficult , it hurt terribly , the anxiety made me climb the walls , but he just sat there and waited , and corrected some home - work while he waited . He never said anything about whether it was right or wrong , good or bad , only that it was good that I kept at it . In the beginning I mostly rambled , and got very little of the contents , but he was not satisfied with that . I had to go home and reread and think through what I was going to tell . It couldn 't be word for word , it had to be my own words . It took me half a year to learn to stick to the contents , to not make things up , add to or take away , to not guess as soon as I got stuck . Then he said I was to write two hundred words each day . I had no idea from where I was going to get the things to write . He said I couldn 't copy from something , that I had to write it from my own head . I got totally confused . There was nothing in my head to write . Then he said I could address somebody , write it like a letter to somebody if that was easier . Then I went home and looked in the children 's magazine Kamratposten . There were fifty personal ads . I picked thirty - one of them and then I wrote a letter each day to them . For two years each of them got a letter per month from me . Some answered , a few I still have contact with , but most of them never answered . That didn 't matter , so long as I had somebody to write to . How they could interpret my hieroglyphics with all the misspellings , and butchered sentences , I don 't know but most of them thought it was ok , they have told me later . The teacher didn 't care if I spelled correctly or not , he thought the important thing was that I wrote and that I could keep it up a long time . The same with the reading , but after about a year he said it was time for me to try reading some books . That seemed like an insurmountable challenge but I asked where I could get the books from . He said I could go home and pick any book and start with it . At home there were no books , since there was no one who was into reading , but one of the uncles read wild - west mysteries so I borrowed one from him . It was a series of books about two buddies named Bill and Ben who took the law into their own hands when they thought the sheriff was too mild with the crooks . As for arithmetic , it mostly amounted to practical application of counting money , and measures for baking a cake , or following a recipe when cooking a meal . To learn to do a reasonableness check if it was dollars or cents for a product , tens or hundreds . To understand the reasonableness of whether it was liter or milliliter that was intended in a recipe . He helped me understand the difference in length between a meter , a kilometer , and a mile as well as the smaller measures . We paced , walked , biked , measured and played store . He taught me to read fact books and think in terms of scale when looking at a map . That mathematics was a description of reality with a special language made me understand the point of knowing mathematics and I have had a lot of benefit from this . He also thought me chronology as applied to the sequence of events in history . We started with kings and then he switched over to all kinds of other subjects , modes of dress , life styles , means of livelihood . He got me to understand the difference between here and now and what had been before and what is coming later , that they were completely different ways to think . This I had not realized before . After two years he said I had learned enough that I could continue on my own . I still read with difficulty and had to reread three times before I grasped the contents , but on the bright side I then retained the contents for the rest of my life , as he said , so it worked out . I could write freely from my head although I spelled like a rake , and after all , there are many who never write at all , and he thought it was better to write even it wasn 't flawless . He gave me a dictionary and he wanted me to read each word many times and write it two hundred times on paper . If I did this with every word in the dictionary , I would eventually be able to spell correctly . This I did . I practiced for many years exactly as he had said and I actually learned how to spell those words most of the time . On the other hand the word order wasn 't especially good and grammatically it was a catastrophe , but slowly , slowly , my self - confidence grew in these areas .

Author 's Note : This one is for Relic . Thanks for letting me hang out with you , and for giving me a break from my day to day life . Also , thanks for the beta ! Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Disciplinary spanking of an adult by a parental figure - dubious consent . Betrayal Abby checked her email , while talking to Tim on the phone . " It 's not that I want someone to die . Of course I don 't want anyone to die . It 's just " He hung up on her before she could reply . Maybe we have a case . That thought made her smile . As soon as she hung up , the phone rang . Cocking her head to the side , she gave the phone a quizzical stare before picking it up . " Hello ? " " Max is there ? " This would make the day much more interesting . She hadn 't seen Max since college , and had only recently been in contact with him again through emails . " I 'll be right there . " " You can 't come to the lab without clearance . But my boss , Gibbs , will give us the go ahead if he 's there . If he 's not there , then I 'll have to ask the Director . " " They took lot of expensive things , but I can replace those . The one thing I can 't replace is my grandmother 's wedding ring . It 's the last thing she gave me , and I promised her I would give it to my wife when I got married . I want the ring back . " " The cops couldn 't find any fingerprints , and they made it sound like this kind of thing happens every day . They seemed to think the chances of getting the ring back were slim to none . I was hoping you could come to my house . See if you can find something they missed , and maybe run a fingerprint if you 're able to find one . " " Oh . " Looking for evidence wasn 't an issue . She could take the rest of the day off , and do that on her own time . But using the lab 's equipment to run the fingerprint was very much against the rules . I won 't worry about that now . There may not be any evidence to run . " Well , let 's go up to see Gibbs , and I 'll ask him about taking the afternoon off . " " I am . " He stood up to greet them . " Gibbs , this is Max Frank , my friend from college . Max , this is Gibbs , " Abby said . Abby introduced Max to the rest of the team , and then turned back to Gibbs . " Would it be okay if I took the afternoon off ? I want to take Max to lunch and catch up . " " It 's okay with me , " he said . They hadn 't had a new case for days . " Let Vance and Ducky know you 're leaving early . " " I sell specialty toys for kids ten and under . It 's a web based company . " When he saw the lab , he said , " Wow , Abby ! This is awesome . " Taken aback by that statement , Tony wasn 't quite sure what to say . His gut told him that this guy was not someone he wanted Abby hanging out with . He forced a smile , and said , " Really ? Maybe it feels like an interrogation , because you have something to hide . " " Look , Tony was it ? " Tony gave him a nod . " I 'm not in town all that often , and I 'd just like to visit with my friend without getting the third degree . " Gibbs and Tony shared a look . Gibbs had decided years ago to trust Tony 's instincts . He turned to Tim and said , " Discreet background check on Max Frank . Let us know what you come up with . " Two hours later , Abby took the elevator down to her lab . It 's not sneaking in . It 's my office . I can be here anytime I want . She glanced down at the paper bag in her hands , and swallowed hard . It 's wrong . You know it 's wrong , so why did you agree to do it ? Gibbs won 't like it if he finds out . If you just tell Gibbs , he might agree to it . He doesn 't always do things by the book when someone 's life is in danger . ut you already promised Max , and if Gibbs says no G bbs words replayed in her head . ' 'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo . ' ' t won 't be on the head . ' A the time she 'd found it somewhat amusing . B t right now , that statement made her stomach lurch . H 'd said it with a hint of humor , but there was no doubt in her mind that he would smack her if he thought she deserved it , and in this moment , she thought she deserved it . W th a sigh , she poured the contents of the bag onto the counter . S e 'd found four fingerprints that didn 't belong to Max . H r eyes darted over to her equipment , and back to the evidence . S e glanced to the door , half expecting Gibbs to be standing there with a scowl on his face . " t 's his grandmother 's ring , " she muttered to herself , and started scanning the fingerprints . Once the computer was searching the database for the fingerprints , she sat down to wait , and fiddled with the rings on her fingers . Before she had time to worry too much about what she had done , the computer beeped . " A match already ? " There on the screen was a mug shot of one Herbert Polinski , wanted in three states , for burglary , and assault . Two of the fingerprints she 'd found belonged to him , and the computer was still trying to find a match for the other two . She picked up her phone and dialed Max . " Hello ? " " Usually it does . You just got lucky , I guess . Two of the prints are from a guy named Herbert Polinski , and the computer is still working on the other two . " Abby stopped mid - sentence , when she heard someone clearing his throat behind her . She turned to see Gibbs standing directly behind her . Her stomach did a dive , and her mouth hung open . She could tell from his expression , that he already knew something was going on , and he was not happy . Not buying that for a second , and finding himself fairly irritated with her deception , he grabbed her arm , turned her to the side , and gave her a solid swat over her skirt . " Oh ! " Surprise pushed out any other emotions for her at this point . A blush climbed up her neck , and settled into her cheeks . They made eye contact again , and she couldn 't take the disappointment she saw in his face . " I 'm sorry ! " She blurted it all out in a rush . " Max told me that his house was robbed yesterday , and his grandmother 's ring was stolen . The cops couldn 't find any fingerprints , so he asked me to go see if I could find any . I found four of them , and I didn 't see the harm in bringing them here to run them through our database . " Tony 's voice interrupted from outside the hall a second before he came through the door . " Did you find her , Boss ? I have the file on " e trailed off after seeing the expressions on their faces . Bad timing ? " Breaking the news to her gently , Tony said , " We 've been trying to call you for fifteen minutes now . When you didn 't answer , we had Tim track your cell phone . " " Oh " hile she thought that over , she turned towards her office door . er cell phone was in her purse on the desk , and when she saw it , she remembered switching it to vibrate when she was in Max 's apartment . I put it on vibrate , and forgot to put it back . " he computer made a pinging noise behind her . he other two fingerprints had been matched to a woman named Susan Abbot . Gibbs ' reaction to her slight protest was immediate . He 'd turned her to the side , swatted her rear , and turned her back , before Abby even had time to complete her sentence . " Boss . " Tony 's voice held disapproval . " Ow . " Abby said after the fact , with a pout on her face . She put both hands back to cover her rear from further assault . Ignoring Tony , Gibbs kept his focus on Abby . " Turn it off . " Abby walked to the computer and closed the scanning software . The room grew silent . Abby turned to face Gibbs with her back against the computer stand . Gibbs handed the file to her . With surprise , she said , " You had Max checked out ? " Abby opened it and started reading . Max had done a two month stint in prison for drugs and weapon possession a few weeks after college . Since getting out , he had been implicated in multiple drug deals , and four murders . He was on the FBI watch list , but hadn 't been convicted of anything since his first prison stay . She shook her head , not wanting to believe it . " But he was so sweet " " It was my last year of junior college when we met . We had a statistics class together . The teacher was so dull , and the class was so easy , that we ended up spending most of the class sharing a notebook and writing notes to each other . We lost touch after graduation , but started to talk again by email about six months ago . " " So you knew this guy for a year , and you 're willing to bend the rules for him ? " " I should , but I won 't . " He took the file back and said , " Normally I wouldn 't tell you what to do on your off time , but this guy is bad news , and he 's using you . In a few hours , I want you to call him back , and tell him the other fingerprints didn 't come up with a match . " Not used to being on Gibbs ' bad side , Abby felt completely out of sorts , and after reading Max 's file , she felt much less inclined to break the rules for him anyway . She gave Gibbs a meek , " Okay . " " Because we aren 't going to involve the director , we 're going to do things unofficially tonight . Tim will stay with you , just in case Max decides to stop by for a visit . Tony and Ziva will stakeout his house to see what he does with the information you already gave him . And then you and I will talk again tomorrow morning . " She winced at his sharp tone , and nodded in compliance . Gibbs didn 't exactly regret reprimanding her , but he couldn 't take her reaction without giving her some comfort . With a sigh , he walked over and pulled her into a quick hug . He kissed her temple before letting her go . " Get your stuff , and come upstairs . " After being assured that Gibbs still loved her , even if he was mad , Abby felt slightly better , but the thought of talking about what she 'd done with the whole team was not appealing . Upstairs , Gibbs was the first one out of the elevator . Instead of going to his desk , he walked through the main room . While he walked , he made eye contact with both Tim and Ziva . " Conference room . " They immediately got up to follow ; sending questioning looks towards Abby , and then towards Tony , when Abby didn 't make eye contact . Tony 's expression was enough to make them keep quiet . Once they were all sitting at the conference room table with the door shut , Gibbs turned to Abby and said , " Explain . " Three hours later , Abby opened her front door , and let Tim in . They 'd stopped at Tim 's house first , so he could pack an overnight bag . Tim had been to her house many times before , both as a lover and a friend , but today seemed more awkward then usual . " Um hould I put my bag in the guest room ? " " Oh , " she said , as if she 'd been so engrossed in her own thoughts , she had to take a second to realize what he was talking about . " Right . Yes , the guest room . " He disappeared into the room for a second to put his bag down . When he came back , she was biting at a nail , and staring at her phone . It was shaped like a skull , and sitting on the kitchen counter staring back at her . " You ready to call ? " he asked . " No . " She turned to him and said , " How can Gibbs expect me to lie ? I suck at lying . Max will know something 's wrong . Not that I think Max deserves the truth , but still . " " Sorry . I got caught " she 'd planned to say I got caught up in work , but hesitated on the word caught once it was out of her mouth . I mean I had a bunch of work to do , and once I started doing it , I lost track of the time . " After another awkward silence , Max asked , " Okay . What about that guy , Herbert Polinski ? What can you tell me about him ? You said something about a rap sheet . " " Look , Abby , I 've run into this more times then I can count . You know about my record . You don 't have to admit it ; I can tell that it 's true . " There was a short silence on the line , before Max said , " I 'm sorry , Abby , you 're right . Going to prison changed me . I 've done a lot of things I 'm not proud of , but that 's why I came to you . I couldn 't let the cops come in and look at my place . It had to be someone I trusted . Someone who knows who I really am , not the man they accuse me of being . " " Abby , please , " his voice wavered , " I need you to help me . I lied to you about what was taken . It wasn 't my grandmother 's ring . It was my son . " Abby 's voice softened , " What ? " " My son , Dakota , is four years old , and I 'm all he has . His mother , Susan , was a drug addict , and dangerous around Dakota when he was tiny . I tried to get her clean , but when that didn 't work , I told her to leave and never come back . I hadn 't heard from her for over three years . But last night , she took him from me , along with a lot of money I had in the safe . I know she couldn 't have done it alone . I don 't care about the money . I 'm just terrified she 'll hurt Dakota . I can 't go to the cops , because they 'll want to know where my money comes from , and then I 'll be in prison , and Dakota will have to go to foster care . " Now that she 'd heard the whole story , Abby knew she had to help . Even if Max was a drug - dealing murderer , no four - year - old deserved to be kidnapped by a drug - addicted mother by a guy like Herbert Polinski . " The second set of prints matched Susan Abbot . " " He 's wanted in three states for burglary and assault . From the random nature of his alleged crimes , I 'd say he 's a thug for hire . His last known address was here in town on the west side , but that was from a few years ago . I think the street name was Lincoln " As Abby talked , Tim became more and more animated . He shook his head , made hand gestures for her to stop , and mouthed the words , no and stop , but she kept talking . While Abby was trying to remember the exact address , Tim grabbed the phone out of her hand , and hung it up . Tim leaned into her personal space . " I can 't believe you Abby ! After reading that guy 's file , you 're still helping him ? " Eyes wide with apprehension , Abby shook her head no , and squeaked , " Don 't call Gibbs ! I 'll tell him when " im heard his boss answer , " Gibbs . " " What ! " Tim cringed at the noise level , and held the cell phone out towards Abby . With a glare that promised retribution , she snatched the phone out of his hand , and punched him in the shoulder , hard enough to make him wince . " Explain ! " Gibbs voice was so loud over the phone , that both of them could hear him . She cringed , but continued to try and defend herself . " Max wants my help , because his four - year - old son , Dakota , is in danger . He 's been kidnapped by his drug addicted mom , and Max is afraid for him . " " You did the exact opposite of what I told you to do . " His voice was calm and serious . " If I weren 't worried about leaving you alone right now , I 'd give you a days suspension for this , even if it had to be an unofficial one . " Her eyes stung , and she had to take a deep breath to keep from crying . " But what if Max is telling the truth ? What if his kid is being held somewhere against his will ? We have to help him . " Tim and Abby put aside their squabbling and worked together to do research on Max , Susan Abbot , and Herbert Polinski . By eleven o ' clock that night , they still hadn 't found any record of Max having a son , or any children for that matter . They weren 't able to find Herbert 's current whereabouts . And worst of all , they couldn 't find any record of Susan Abbot having had a child either . Tim called Gibbs with the bad news , and learned that Max hadn 't left his house the entire evening . When Tim hung up , he turned to Abby and said , " Tony says Max hasn 't left the house . " She 'd been on emotional overload today . She wanted to believe that her friend Max was still the guy she remembered from college , but the evidence was stacked up against him . A sad sigh escaped her lips , and she said , " I guess that 's it then . He lied to me , and I played right into his hands like a dummy . " He sat down next to her on the black leather couch and put an arm around her shoulders . " Don 't beat yourself up about it . I 've always admired the way you see the good in people . " Tim sympathized . No one wanted to face Gibbs when they knew he was pissed because of something they 'd done , but he figured it must be worse for Abby , since she rarely pissed him off . After a few minutes , Tim realized Abby had fallen asleep on his shoulder . He kissed the top of her head once , and leaned back to get comfortable , letting her sleep . The next morning , Abby and Tim woke up to the sound of a phone ringing . They quickly realized that they were snuggled up together on her couch , and quickly pulled apart . The phone rang again , and Tim said , " That 's mine . " Gibbs said , " We 've got a case . Dead marine at the shipping yard . Stay with Abby until she 's in her car , and on her way to work , and then call me for directions . " " How do you know ? " She said with an optimistic smile . " Maybe by the time the case is done , Gibbs will have forgotten all about it . " When Abby got to the office , she searched for birth records with the name Dakota Abbot and Dakota Frank , but came up with nothing again . The words gullible , stupid , and sucker went through her mind , as she thought about the way she 'd given Max exactly what he 'd asked for both times she had contact with him . She felt like calling him to tell him exactly where he could stick his friendship , but didn 't want to do anything to make Gibbs angrier than he already was . Mid morning , her phone rang . She reached a hand out , but hesitated before answering . She just knew it was Gibbs , and could already hear the disappointment in his voice . On the third ring , she picked up . " Hello . " As she walked to the elevator , she thought , Gibbs told me not to contact Max , but he didn 't say anything about him contacting me . She nodded to herself as she stepped into the elevator . No need to bother Gibbs with this . He 's busy with a real case . The man nodded , " That was me , and you just missed him . He didn 't tell me why he left , just walked out the front door . You can probably catch him if you hurry . " He stopped digging through his car , and turned to look at her . He smiled and waited for her . She caught up to him and glared . " You lied to me again ! " He spread his arms wide in surrender , and smiled wider . " Guilty as charged . " With a smile still on his face , Max said , " Sorry , but I 'm not done with you yet . " He stuck his hands in his jacket pockets . " I need you to do one more thing for me , so we 'll need to be friends for a little longer . " " As if I 'd ever help you again . " " The thing is , I have a gun pointed at your chest , so if you enjoy breathing , then you 'll help me . " She looked down at his jacket pocket , and could see the outline of a gun pointed towards her . Fear and disbelief rushed through her . " What happened to you , Max ? " His face contorted in anger , " What happened to me ? Prison happened . My parents disowned me . And I don 't mean they just didn 't visit . They visited once , and it was so they could tell me how ashamed they were , and that they wanted nothing to do with me ever again . I got put in a cell with a guy twice my size . And when I got out , no one would hire me . So you 'll have to forgive me if I 'm not the same naive person you knew back then , but you 'd better believe me when I tell you I will shoot you , and I will aim to kill . " He pointed to a dark blue car that was parked by the curb next to them , and said , " Get in the car . " Abby believed he would shoot her , but she didn 't think he 'd do it here and now in broad daylight , with at least five witnesses that she could see down the street . She turned and tried to run back to the NCIS building , but felt his arm circling her waist as she tried to get away . She shouted at the top of her lungs , " Let me go ! Get your hands off me ! I 'm being mmff " is hand clamped over her mouth . Shut up ! " he yelled , and pulled her towards the car , while she struggled . e saw a few people looking at them and whispered , " Stop it , and get in , or I 'll slam your face against the car hard enough to knock you out before I shove you in . " e felt her stop struggling , and assumed this was compliance . e took his hand off her mouth long enough to open the car door , and then shoved her down into the seat . he back of her head hit the top of the car as she was falling into the seat . Ow ! " e shoved her legs in , and slammed the door shut . e could see a man rushing towards him , and pulled out his gun . he man stopped in his tracks , which gave Max time to get in the car . bby tried unsuccessfully to get the passenger door open , while Max peeled off down the street . ifteen minutes later , they were in an abandoned warehouse . ow that they were alone , Abby was more wary of what he might do to her , and less willing to risk an escape attempt . he followed him to a table with a smashed laptop on it . he area was well lit , and there were two working computers , and some tools next to it . ax pointed to the laptop and said , " I need you to get the information off of the hard drive . " She picked it up to get a better look , and shook her head . " I 'll try to get as much information as I can , but when a laptop sustains this amount of damage , there 's no guarantee that any of it will be salvageable . " " Well for your sake , I hope it is . " When Gibbs got back from the crime scene , he decided to take the evidence down to Abby himself . It would give them a chance to talk . He wanted to make damn sure she knew that he wasn 't pleased with her behavior the past few days , and that he expected better from her in the future . He sighed on the elevator ride down to her lab , not looking forward to the upcoming talk , but believing it was necessary . He stepped out of the elevator , and was caught off guard when he couldn 't hear her music playing . " Abby ? " After a quick look at the lab and the office , he confirmed what his gut was already telling him . She wasn 't there , and something was wrong . He set the evidence down and called the front desk . " This is Agent Gibbs . Did Abigail Sciuto slide her card this morning ? " " Let me check es , Sir . he should be H ld on . " H overheard the woman talking to someone else , but couldn 't make out what they were saying . A male voice got on the line , " Agent Gibbs ? " He hung up , rushed towards the door to the stairs , and called out over his shoulder , " Ziva , elevator to the lobby . Tim , track Abby 's cell phone . She 's AWOL . " While his team went into action , Gibbs signed off the evidence to Ducky for safekeeping until Abby 's return . By the time he got to the lobby , Tony was shouting at the desk clerk , and Ziva was speaking with a local police officer near the front door . They both saw Gibbs at the same time , and the three converged in the middle of the lobby . " I told her not to contact him ! " Gibbs muttered in frustration . He hated the helpless feeling that came over him when he knew one of his team was in danger , and he wasn 't with them . " Tim 's tracking her cell phone , just in case she has it on her , " Tony said , needing to focus on the belief that they would find Abby , and that she would be in one piece when they did . Gibbs headed to the elevator , and flipped open his cell phone to call Tim . Tim answered before the first ring had finished . " Her cell phone is in a warehouse on the corner of forty - ninth and Alder , Boss . Please tell me you found her , and it 's just her phone that 's missing . " Abby wasn 't having much luck retrieving information from the laptop ; but then again , she wasn 't actually trying to . Hoping that Max didn 't know much about computers , she meticulously cleaned all the pieces , biding her time until someone came to find her . She closed her eyes and prayed that Gibbs was already back at the office , had noticed her absence , and was looking for her . She nodded , hooked the hard drive up to one of the working computers , and started typing in commands . Max paced around the warehouse , letting the gun hang down by his leg , while she worked . Then she heard the voice she 'd been waiting for . " NCIS ! Drop your weapon ! " Abby ducked down under the table before Gibbs finished his sentence . Max cursed , but wasn 't stupid enough to point his gun at anyone . He dropped it on the floor carefully , and held his hands up in surrender . Tony reached Max first , kicked the gun out of his reach , and roughly cuffed his hands behind his back . He led Max towards the front of the building , giving him his Miranda rights as they went . Gibbs heard Ziva shout from the back door of the warehouse , " Clear ! " Gibbs holstered his gun and called back to them , " All clear ! " while walking towards Abby who was still crouching down under the table . He knelt down next to her . " You okay ? " he asked , and held his hand out to her . She took it , and they both stood up . Realizing the danger was over , she grinned , hugged him tight , and said , " Gibbs ! I knew you 'd save me ! " Tim and Ziva were both walking towards them , and holstering their weapons . Once Ziva saw that Abby was safe , she headed for the warehouse door , and pulled out her phone to call their contact at the FBI . Tim got closer to Abby , waiting for his turn to see for himself that she was okay . Still holding her , Gibbs said , " Did he hurt you ? " He leaned into her personal space , " I told you not to have any contact with him . " His voice went up in volume as he continued to berate her , " I told you to consult me first , and then the second I was out of the building , you ran down the street chasing after him ! I can 't protect you if you won 't follow my orders ! So what the hell were you thinking ? ! " Tim hated seeing Abby upset , and took a step closer to her . Trying to be the voice of reason , he said , " The FBI will be here soon , Boss . She 'll need to give a statement . " Tim nodded , Gibbs left , and Abby broke down into tears . Tim pulled her into a hug . " It 's okay . He was just worried about you . He 'll calm down in a few hours . " He shut the door , and turned towards her . She 'd been lying on the couch with her head propped up on the arm for the past hour . It was almost five , and he knew she hadn 't eaten anything since breakfast . " How about soup ? " He was putting on his jacket , when the doorbell rang . Abby jumped up , and was suddenly very glad she hadn 't had anything to eat , because her stomach was doing somersaults at the prospect of having to face Gibbs . But the idea of not facing him wasn 't any more appealing . When Tim realized she wasn 't going to move , he went to the door . After looking through the peephole , he let Gibbs in . " I was just about to go to the store , Boss . " She sat , while he took off his coat , and set it over the arm of the couch . He sat down next to her , close enough that their knees were touching . " I just got off the phone with Fornell . They were able to salvage some of the information off the hard drive . Susan Abbot was Max 's girlfriend , but if her emails are to be believed , Max was abusive , and she was afraid of him . She hired Herbert Polinski to help her crack Max 's safe so she could escape and start a new life where Max couldn 't find her . " Feeling sick to her stomach , Abby whispered , " I can 't believe I helped him . " Suddenly feeling tired ; Gibbs leaned back against the couch . He closed his eyes , and sighed . " I 'm not sure what to do here , Abby . " The room was silent while he thought about that . If their relationship were strictly professional , he 'd suspend her without pay for a week , and put her on probation for a couple of months . But they 'd moved past professional to friendship a month after she started working for him . And after all the years they 'd spent being friends , he couldn 't help but see her as a surrogate daughter . He knew she felt the same familial bond towards him , and that made what he was about to do even harder . Because really he did know what to do , he just didn 't want to . He sat up and looked her in the eye . " I 'm disappointed in the choices you 've made the past couple of days . " She couldn 't take the look he was giving her , and focused on her lap again . " That 's not a good enough answer . I say no to lots of things , but you still come to me and ask . You know I 'm not big on protocol , and you know I 'll always do my best to help you , so why didn 't you trust me this time ? We could have avoided a lot of this . " The room was silent for a few seconds , while Abby thought that over . She couldn 't hold back the tears any longer , as she said , " I guess I was ashamed of myself , even while I was doing it , and I didn 't want you to be ashamed of me , too . " Never gonna happen , " he assured her . Gibbs smiled fondly at her , " Because your heart is always in the right place . You were trying to help a friend . That 's misguided , not malicious . " Knowing that he understood her motivation for going against his orders made all the difference to her , and she smiled at him through her tears . His smile faded . " But that doesn 't mean I 'm not angry . And it doesn 't mean you 're off the hook . I can 't have you going behind my back to break the rules . I can 't keep you safe , when you don 't confide in me . " He held his hand up , stopping her in mid sentence . " I think you deserve a spanking . " " A spanking ? " she felt light headed and panicky . The boss , the friend , and the father in me are all in agreement here , but if you can tell me that you honestly don 't think you deserve it , I 'll rethink it . " he couldn 't , and worried her bottom lip with her teeth . e nodded in understanding , scooted to the edge of the couch , and put a hand on her upper arm . Okay then . ver my lap . " She shook her head no , unable to do that . Now that the decision had been made , he wanted it over as quickly as possible . He pulled her across his lap , and said , " I want you thinking about the things you did to land yourself here . " As if I could forget , she thought while staring at the hard wood floor that was six inches from her nose . He wrapped an arm around her waist , flipped her pleated plaid skit up , and placed a solid swat in the middle of her black cotton panties . " Ow ! " Her body tensed in anticipation of the next swat , which was harder then the first . " Ow , Gibbs ! " The swats kept coming , harder and faster than Abby could handle stoically . Every time she 'd gotten a tattoo in the past , she 'd congratulated herself on having a high tolerance for pain , but that thought seemed ludicrous now . She couldn 't keep her body still . Her booted toes kicked the floor on one side of his lap , and her head kept shaking no on the other side . Her right hand moved from the floor , to his pant leg , and back to the floor with a frustrated slap . She couldn 't think or speak in coherent sentences , and soon she was reduced to high pitched noises of distress , interspersed with urgent pleading for him to stop . Gibbs heard her pleading , but didn 't stop . He was good at reading people , and he knew how guilty she felt . He wanted to make sure she felt like she 'd paid for her mistakes before he stopped . His life had been full of hard decisions , but when he believed he was doing the right thing ; he finished what he started , no matter how unpleasant the task . He stopped spanking all together , flipped her skirt back down , and helped her into an upright position , sitting on his lap . She flung her arms around his shoulders , and rested her forehead in the crook of his neck . He wrapped one arm around her upper back in a hug , rubbed his other hand up and down back in comfort . It took quite a while for her to calm down , but once she did , he said , " When I found out you were missing today " e didn 't trust himself to keep going , and had to pause . I don 't think my heart can take many more days like today . " e felt her squeeze him tighter . No more chasing down friends turned violent criminals . ight ? " He kissed the top of her head and said , " Good . " He helped her to stand , and then got up himself . " Go clean up . I 'll make you something to eat . " Realizing he wouldn 't take no for an answer , she went to the bathroom . After blowing her nose , and cleaning the mascara off her face , she searched her own reflection . You deserved it , but what happens now ? Do things go back to normal between us ? Can things ever be normal between us again ? Abby watched his face while he listened to the person on the other end of the line . Finally he said , " That 's good work Tony . You and Ziva call it a night . " He hung up . " Oh . " Abby put a hand over her mouth , and her eyebrows went up in surprise . " I forgot . I can 't believe it ! I completely forgot that we had a new case . I should be processing the evidence ! Tim should have taken me back to the lab , not home . " She had to admit that she would have been distracted if she 'd been at the lab . There was the emotional upheaval of Max betraying her , the adrenaline rush of being kidnapped and rescued , and there would have been the nerve - wracking anxiety of waiting for Gibbs . Eventually she said , " Are they ? " She didn 't have to think about that , " No . I mean , don 't get me wrong here . It wasn 't fun , and if it had been anyone but you . . . But I still can 't say that I didn 't deserve it . " " Yeah , not to piss you off . " She said it with a smile , and he chuckled . Getting serious she said , " I learned that I went too far , and that you love me enough to make sure it won 't happen again . " She surprised him with a crushing hug . He returned it , and then said , " You should get some sleep . It 's been a hard couple of days , and I need you on your game first thing tomorrow morning . "

You can hardly take care of yourself , what makes you think that you can take care of animal ? There are more reasons beyond that sweetie , reasons you would just never understand at your age . A dog is just not an option for us this year , your mother and I are sorry . I was the type of person who didn 't ask for much unless it was Christmas or my birthday . So once my birthday came around , I finally got the courage to ask my parents for what I had been dreaming about ever since I was a little girl . A puppy . I fell in love with the idea of having a puppy one rainy , spring day when I was 6 years old . My mommy needed to stop at the grocery store on the way home from picking me up from school so I tagged along with her . As we got out of the car , I noticed something moving behind a tree near the store . Out of curiosity , I ran to the tree with my navy rain boots squeaking after me each step of the way . I heard my mom yelling after me telling me to come back but I did not listen . I slowly approached the tree and saw a dog all alone rolling around in the grass . My first instinct was to call my mom over to me to come look . As she ran to where I was , I yelled out to her and said , She explained to me that a dog that was all alone like this was called a stray dog . She didn 't want to take the dog back to our house and post signs around the area because there was no guarantee that the owner of this small Chihuahua would call . Instead , my mom wanted to make sure the dog was healthy and then drop it dog off at a dog shelter . As we rode in the car to get to the vet , the puppy laid in my lap . Her tiny brown paws rested on the seat while her head was rested on my soggy pants that the rain soaked up . I stroked her smooth , thin fur during the whole car ride . That was the first time I had ever held a dog in my entire life . I temporarily named her Lacy so we could give the vet a name . It was in that very moment when I realized that I wanted my own dog to take care of . Even though I just met that dog and I didn 't know the story behind it , I believed it was a sign that I should get a dog . 3 years has passed since I first met Lacy and I still haven 't forgotten about her . Once I open the door to my room , I walk in and rush to the window . I turned my head to the park that was next to my house and see people walking their dogs . Individuals were always walking their dogs and it never seemed to bother me until I knew it would never be me . I then imagined that as my family . Our dog on a leash , leading the way , while my mom , my dad , and I are behind the puppy feeling laughing at her every move . I soon hear a knock on my door and quickly shut my dusty blinds and snap back into reality . My door cracks open and my father 's head peeks through , " I want to let you know that I 'll be out of town today and Sunday , but I will be back just in time for your birthday on Monday . Come give me a hug before I go , " He said as if he was trying to sound as if we did not just have a conversation about him ruining my birthday . My dad travels a lot for his job so I am hoping he doesn 't get caught up in his work and forget my birthday . It was bad enough that I wasn 't getting my dream dog , I didn 't want my dad to not be there . I run to him putting on a smile and give him a hug . I figured that being upset with my parents would not help my situation . Although I was upset , I was not going to let this define me . My mother once told me that it isn 't about how you act when you everything , but how you react when you have nothing . The weekend went by pretty fast . My mom and I spent the whole day together on Sunday going shopping as an early birthday present . Once we got back to the house , I knew I was definitely not getting a dog . I was learning to be okay with that but I suddenly lost control . My feet had a mind of their own and rushed up the steps . I slammed the door shut quiet enough so that my mom wouldn 't hear , but strong enough that a picture on my wall fell down , blowing to an empty corner of my room . My eyes began to water and soon enough , I felt a tear drop down my hurt face . One came after another and I began to just let it all out instead of hiding it in . I felt a connection with Lacy . Although she was just a dog , I wanted to tell her everything . I never got that chance and now that I am not getting a dog , I never will . After drawing from an old coloring book to relax myself , I climbed into bed . Anxiety filled my stomach about how tomorrow was going to turn out . My thoughts soon faded into nothing and I felt my eyes shut slowly . The next morning began with my mother bursting into my room singing happy birthday to me . My smile brightened as I became more and more awake . She handed me a tray of orange juice , bacon , and pancakes , my favorite . Everything looked amazing ! Only one thing was missing - my father . I gave my mom a big hug and right before I was about to ask where my dad was , I heard singing from down the hall , " Of course not , daddy . Thank you so much . " I said trying to focus on the good and not the fact that I had no dog . I thought back to my weekend reminding myself that I will do just fine without a new puppy . My mom suddenly pulled out her video camera out of her blue jean pocket and I just sat on my bed looking confused . I was thinking that maybe he got me a key chain or something on his way home . My mom pointed the video camera towards the narrow door as my dad joyfully walked back into my bedroom . Once I got a glimpse of what my mom was filming , I felt my heart melt . I froze and thought back to the first time I saw Lacy . Immediately , I pushed my breakfast aside and dove into the smooth carpet . A petite , unstable puppy was sniffing around the ground getting used to our new home . She had a brown tiny head that poked out of her soft , small black body . I was in shock - complete shock . I didn 't know what to ask my parents because so many questions filled up inside of my head . I tried to ask them something but nothing would come out of my mouth . When I landed next to my new puppy , she rolled on the ground expecting me to rub her stomach . She only looked about a few months old and I could already tell that she was so much different than Lacy . She was so much fuller of energy and surprisingly , I liked it . Nothing had ever felt so unreal in my entire life . After rubbing her stomach , I picked her up and gently held her in my arms . I couldn 't help but glance at my parents grinning faces and the video camera my mother was still holding . I glanced back down at my new puppy struggling to get out of my arms to discover more about the new world that stood in front of her . Before setting her down , I brought her close to me , whispered to her and said , Posted on January 13 , 2016 by jonah20 Reply The air was becoming brisk and the sun was setting over the horizon . It was a close game and tension and excitement was running high in the dugout . Strike one , strike two , strike three , and back out to the field we went . I had just gotten a new glove and I was really excited to use it before the game . So far in the game the stiffness of the glove didn 't affect me that much , I had made a couple of plays and I didn 't even really notice it . This inning looked to be the same after I made an easy play , one out . The next batter takes a couple of pitches and eventually draws a walk , one out runner on first . The double play was in check and I was expecting the ball to come my way . Indeed the ball found its way to me but not in the form that I 'd expected . A dinky little pop - up to my left . Since I 'd been playing up the middle for a double play , I had to engage in a full sprint to try and get the ball . I tracked it down and I realized that it would be close so I 'd have to dive . Meanwhile in all of this the runner on first was confused as to where he should be and everyone in the dugout , the coaches and the rowdy parents were screaming . I make my leap and in my perspective it looked like I was going to catch it and hopefully double the runner off at first . I took my eye off the ball for one little fraction of a second and I lost the ball . It hits my glove with a thud and because my glove was still stiff I couldn 't squeeze it well enough for me to hold on . The ball found its way out of my grasp and trickled away . I quickly got up and tossed the ball to first but it was too late , a missed opportunity that could 've just cost my team the game . To say the least I was furious , I slapped my hand against my thigh and started kicking the dirt . A blown opportunity , nothing made me madder . My teammates and coaches tried to signal to me that it was okay and I didn 't need to worry about it and just make the next play , but I knew the stakes and I knew that that silly little mistake was unacceptable . I wanted revenge , to redeem myself at my next at bat . I kept that at bat on my mind while the next batter stepped to the plate . I was praying that my mistake wouldn 't lead to a run but it didn 't work . The next batter lined a single to the outfield and by the time the throw got in the cutoff man the runner had already trotted home and was on his way back to the dugout to celebrate with his teammates . Now I 'm even more furious , but to our luck our pitcher strucWhen I finally reach the dugout I throw my glove as hard as I can down at my bag and a quickly strap on my batting gloves , put on my helmet and get ready to hit . I study the tall lanky pitcher very closely as I 'm taking my warm up swings because I need to get every advantage possible . I noticed he didn 't throw anything too overpowering and he didn 't throw too slow to the point where my timing would be messed up . We both knew what was on the line and neither of us wanted to mess it up for our team . During all of this the coach comes up to me and whispers in my ear , " Rip one . " I take my last couple of swings and walk to the plate . I step into the box and stare down the pitcher in the eyes with a pure look of hatred . He goes into his windup and I don 't particularly like the pitch so I take it , ball one . I step out of the box , take a warm up swing and look down the third base line for the sign . Swing away the coach motions and I give a quick nod to show I got it and I step into the box and get ready for the next pitch . The pitcher delivers the ball , and in my view the ball looks high but the umpire disagrees . Strike one , and the count sits one and one . This time I don 't step out of the box as I gear for the next pitch . The ball comes and it 's middle in , perfect . I take my step and swing with all my might and unfortunately I come up empty . The count now sits one and two and I have to protect the plate to the best of my ability to prevent a strikeout . Once again , I call timeout , and take a deep breath as well as a quick warm up swing before I step back into the box . The next pitch the pitcher makes a very weak attempt at a curve ball and the ball sails over my head just about hitting me . I quickly sprawl in the dirt and quickly pop up and give the smirking pitcher a nasty look . Two and two shouts the ump as I gear up for the next pitch . Again the pitcher misses badly as the ball sails to the fence and ump coughs , " Three and two ! Three and two ! " Three and two , I think to myself this will be the best pitch I will see this whole at bat and I need to take advantage of it . The pitcher winds up and the balls comes middle in , another opportunity to do some damage . I start my swing and the drive the bat threw the zone and I hear a bang . I smashed that ball I thought to myself . Immediately , I take off for first as fast as I can and the first base coach is yelling with enthusiasm , " Go ! Go ! Go ! " The thought of looking to see where the ball was going didn 't even enter my mind as I headed for second . Just when I was about to reach second I see my third base coach motioning for me to bypass third and go all the way home . Due to the coaches over exaggeration of telling me to advance I thought it might have been a double in the gap but after I crossed home I realized that all that wasn 't necessary , it was a home run and a tie game . I had succeeded and I couldn 't have been happier as I trotted back to the dugout with a huge smile on my face . When I reached the dugout all of my teammates slapped me on the back and helmet and told me that I 'd came up clutch for them and the team . I sat down took a deep breath and tried to process what just happened , I had hit a game - tying home run . I said " Wow that felt good . " When I finally decided to look up again , I notice that the guys behind me had hit two doubles in a row , another run ! Now we had the lead with the score of two to one . We had derailed the pitcher and the other teams train was coming off the tracks . I look up again and my best friend hits a triple and now we have the lead three to one . I jump of the bench and start cheering and yelling at the opposing pitcher . All the pitcher does in slump down and frown to himself , we had defiantly gotten to him . During this inning we go on to score four more runs to make the score a staggering seven to one in favor of us . In all of the excitement I forget that it 's getting cold and I quickly slip on my long sleeve shirt under my jersey and hustle back out to my position , but before I go there my coach stopped me . " Nice hit there kid , that 's what we really needed . Now , let 's finish these guys off and win this game right here right now . " Coach slapped me on the back and sent me on my way . After this conversation I hustle back to my position and a take a deep breath , by now it 's cold enough that I can see my breath . I hop up and down like a rabbit to keep warm but as the pitch is about to be thrown I settle into my ready position as I await the ball . The ball wasn 't hit to me in the inning . We earned an easy three outs to end the game . We had won the game , and everyone was yelling in excitement . We quickly shake hands with the other team and rush to heat as we were beginning to lose feeling in our fingers . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by kobi20 Reply While on the packed , humid bus headed to camp Miniwanca , I had one thing on my mind , the massive cabin leader versus camper soccer game . I was a 13 year old , eager middle school camper returning for my second year . As I stepped out of the blazing hot bus , and stepped into the refreshing , crisp air of Michigan I was immediately greeted by exuberant cabin leaders . I checked in was told my cabin number , cabin leader , and had my mandatory cell phone turn in and lice check . After all of this I unpacked my stuff , set up my bed , and met my cabin mates . We all then , headed up to Bryant field , a tremendous beautiful open grass lot surrounded by trees to play some World Cup ( a soccer game ) and get to know other campers . After a week and a half of playing soccer nonstop and getting to know everyone as players the day finally came , we were fully prepared to take on the leaders . All day the game was being hyped up all around camp and when time game , it was game on . It was a breezy , cool evening , sun still shining but the air felt full of excitement and anticipation , before we started I quickly laced up my old , dirty , beat - up pink and black Nike soccer cleats . After we went over the rules for the game , we were finally about to begin . I quickly went over to my teammates to help assign positions , I was playing forward . When I realized that there were 40 campers but only 14 cabin leaders playing , I knew this was going to be a hard game . The cabin leaders kicked off the game , and were already up a goal within five minutes , after a LIT blasted a shot into the right side of the goal . We were all shocked and I felt that the mood of my teammates was somber , and defeated as if we already lost the game , but I didn 't give up . Fifteen long minutes passed we started to warm up , and strung some passes together to get off three or four shots but the goalie was like a brick wall and stopped every shot we took . Then suddenly , after a hard tackle from our defender , the fastest and the best soccer players on my team was on a breakaway , but the leaders were gaining on him . Someone yelled , " Cross ! ! " He then served the ball of balance and it was headed right to me . The ball was coming right at me fast and at my waist , I then turned my body with my shoulders squared to the goal , I was thinking to myself make contact with the ball . I lifted my leg and volleyed the ball on with outside of my foot , it went into the left corner of the net and hit the metal with a loud bang . I scored and I couldn 't believe what I had just done , I imitated one of my favorite player 's famous goal , I was filled with joy . I was met in the middle of the soccer field with hugs in celebration from both campers and leaders , and couldn 't believe what I just done . I had only tied the game , but the goal lifted the mood from my team and there was a sudden burst of confidence and momentum . After few shots on goal from both teams , I had another opportunity , a leader and camper both attempted to kick the ball but instead the ball went really high into the air , right outside of the opposing team 's box . I stepped up again thinking I need to make some type of contact . I got ready to kick the ball and as soon as I made contact with the ball , I knew that it was going in . The ball curved right into the middle of the goal , blowing right pass the keeper , we then had the lead . I scored two sick volleys in one game , I again celebrated with my team , and I felt both shocked and proud of myself . But the game wasn 't over , we still had more time left . A leader immediately scored another tap - in goal to give them the tie , the game was then 2 - 2 . I felt was if the game was ending soon , probably because the sun was setting and the brisk Michigan air was starting to affect us . But I the heat came back into my body after the cabin leaders scored off a free kick from outside of the box , I was anxious we were going to lose . We kicked off the game and the boys ' camp director , Adam yelled , " TWO MIUTES LEFT , TWO MINUTES LEFT IN THE GAME ! ! " It was crunch time , now or never , we sent all of the best shooters to the attacking portion of the field , and the defenders up to midfield . We won a corner kick and I was set to take it everyone was in the box , I held up my hand and proceeded to kick the ball from the corner flag . At first I thought I got under the ball too much and it was going to sail over the goal , but it curved right in front of the keeper , I watched as the ball bounced around , and around , which felt like it was bouncing around for hours . Then I heard someone kick the ball and then ball go into the net , we scored , the game ended a 3 - 3 draw . I was happy with the tie because of my two goals , while walking back to my cabin to go to bed , I was given many compliments and was even named MVP of the game . When I was back in my cabin and we were all lying down , I could faintly hear my cabin mates talking about the next day , but I was still excited about telling all of family and friends about the big game . Posted on January 11 , 2016 by anya Reply I knew it was chaos , I knew that there were loud parents , cheerful teams , and even whistles that raged every 5 seconds . To me it was quiet , there was 35 courts in the whole dome , and I could only hear the sound of my short breaths . I was in the middle court and there were 10 courts that surrounded me and my team . In front of me , there was 6 sets of bleachers , each had 8 rows . Behind me was the same look , I scanned the whole room to find my family . Then there they sat ; my parents , my sister and my cousins . My parents both made eye contact with me and gave me a thumbs up . My mom was wearing a red Tommy Hilfiger shirt with dark blue jeans and tennis shoes . My dad was wearing a red stars sweatshirt in favor of our team name , and he had on blue jeans and tennis shoes as well . I knew that they both were anxious for me , they had that look in their eyes . Their eyes had that worried and excited look , like my whole life depended on this game . I saw my sister , she was always glued to her phone , and she had on a Pink sweatshirt on with black leggings and Bear paw boots . When she saw me gaze at her , her hand awkwardly waved to me and she mouthed the words " good luck " . I knew that she was tired , she was mad at me for making her wake up early . My two cousins were sitting in the bleachers with a smile slapped across their faces . One 's a girl , she had on a casual shirt and leggings with boots , and the other one was a boy , he had on skinny jeans with a blue shirt and converse . In their minds , this was just a game . To me , this was way more than that , it was , closure . Closure to see if I had really worked hard this season . Then there I stood on the chairs next to some of my teammates and my coach . I was there with my team out on 16th court . Next to me was a table , there were 2 people there . In front of them there was a scoreboard , it read 22 - 24 , and the other team needed one point to win the game . My hands were clenched in fists and my clothes were clinging to my body as the sweat was dripping all over . I looked to my right and I saw my teammates cheering . We all looked alike , we wore blue long sleeve jerseys , dark blue spandex , and white & red stars socks with Asics shoes and knee pads . I looked to my left and I saw my coach , she wore a stars sweatshirt and black leggings . I saw her hands clenched to her pants as she looked at the scoreboard . I could tell that she was worried , it was the 2nd set , and I was up . I remember the week before this tournament , I had been practicing for about 6 months for this moment . " It is time " I thought . I had get just 2 serves over the net and it would all be done . My teammate walked over to me and there was a rapid loud whistle that came after . My coach scurried to me and told me that it was my turn . At first I hesitated , then I walked up to the line . The down ref whispered me and my teammate 's number to the people on the table with the scoreboard . Then she told me to go in the court . I walked up to the server 's line and all my teammates were all cheering me on . " Oh , no ! " I thought , I was totally alarmed . I realized then that I had to serve this ball . My teammates and family were all counting on me . I felt that my heart was pounding so much , that other people around me could hear as well . I suddenly had a jolt of confidence . I suddenly felt this self - assurance rush over my body . It felt like I could suddenly get this serve over not matter what . The up - ref had finally picked up her hand and blew the whistle for me to serve . I took a couple deep breaths , I put the ball in my hands and started bouncing it . " 1 * bounce 2 * bounce 3 * bounce 4 * bounce " I counted silently in my head . I swirled the ball in my hands a couple times . The ball felt rough and firm . I slowly brought my head back up and started . I tossed to ball up a little in front of me . I took a step and felt the ball make contact with my hand . I opened my eyes wide and saw the serve go over the net . A huge sigh of relief came over me . " I did it " I mentioned in my head . The excitement was wild . The families on the bleachers all stand to their feet and start to clap . " It isn 't over just yet " . The other team gets the ball and the one of the players passes it over onto our side . My teammate next to me pops it over to the setter . The setter sets the ball and the hitter spikes it . My teammates screech at the top of their lungs . We got the point ! We all come together and everyone gives me a high five . The crowd goes wild , I look at my parents and they have the biggest smile on their face . " Push one , Push one " My team yelped . We only needed one point to tie the game . If we make one mistake , then we lose . I grab the ball and head towards the servers line for the 2nd time . Now the real pressure was on . I close my eyes and take a deep breath . I bounce and swirl the ball again . I toss the ball in the air , take a step and then swing through . After a second I look at my family , and they 're happy face suddenly wiped away . The whistle blows and the hand points to the other side , " They won " . That 's when I drop to my knees and lower my head . My disappointed look quickly takes over my smile . My hand comes over my head and I think to myself " What have I done " . My teammates come running over to help me up . They don 't look pleased , but they don 't blame me . I blame myself , I walk over to the net and shake hands with the opposing team . I repeat the words ' good game ' multiple times . I look at their happy faces and I get even more upset . My coach brings the players including me to a corner and tells us " You guys had a great season , I am proud of you even though we lost . Volleyball isn 't just about winning " . I was disappointed in myself , but what happened , happened . I walked over to my bag and took off my shoes with my ankle braces . I took off my knee - pads and put on my sweatpants and slides . I strolled to my parents and they all said I did a good job , but I didn 't think so . That was it , I lost . Me and my team lost and there was nothing I could do about it . After a couple days past , I learned that it 's okay if I lose a game or two , it just matters that you learn from your mistakes . I knew that my family were supporting me no matter what happened with my volleyball . I knew that this happened for a reason , it was because I would have more opportunity to be the best at what I 'm passionate at . I learned one important thing from this experience and that was , teamwork . I learned about teamwork because you cannot play any game without your teammates help . We are a team and there 's no " I " in team . Posted on January 11 , 2016 by micah Reply My first time I put on those skis I knew I wanted to be able to do this for the rest of my life . I was at North Star Camp for my first summer there and I was having the best time of my life and made so many friends that I will cherish forever . I was at camp trying to get up on water skis and it was my first time ever . A kid who was in pine manor and had been there since he was 8 and was now 15 . His name was Judd and if it wasn 't for him I wouldn 't of gotten up on water skis . I got into the water I felt the cold rush of lake water rush up my body . The chill itself was exhilarating , I got on the red malibu , the boat that was everyone favorite and once I tried on my first time I realized it was the hardest to ride on . I kept trying and everyday I went I got slightly better everyday . I told myself every time I hurt myself when I fell down or I didn 't think I had enough time I told myself you can do this Micah . I got back in the water cold or warm day I still did what I had and wanted to do . It was the last two weeks of camp when I started water skiing . I didn 't know how to do it at all I had to accomplish this because it was always a goal of mine to learn water skiing . I wish I live somewhere were I could do it every week or so . I Was in the water and they let Judd get into the boat so he could teach me how to get up on water skis . He said bend your knees hold on to the rope and act like you are sitting down in a seat . He also said let the boat pull you up and say hit it when you want us to speed up . I was so excited but also scared then I just said HIT IT . The boat pulled me up but I got half way there until I fell and both of my skis fell off and I got a face full of water . I was like , " Ohhh , my gosh ! " I didn 't know what happened but I looked around for the boat and my skis I swam to the skis and then with them I went to the boat I threw the skis to the people inside the boat and I swam to it and pulled myself into it . I got into the boat and smiled then started laughing uncontrollably . It was at that moment I knew I wanted and needed to get up on skis . I woke up that morning feeling really good I went to go and brush my teeth . I hadn 't been feeling 100 % ever since I got out of the health center but today I knew I was completely over my sickness . They had my favorite for breakfast bagels and they tasted so good . I went to my cabin and cleaned up my area and did my job which was sweeping . I left for the water ski shack where I waited for the boats to glide in . I heard the malibu first then the ski natique then the mastercraft . I was let in first I got my skis and my life jacket . I had a really good feeling even feeling cocky . I got in the water and let my body get loose and screamed hit it . The boat jerked my body forward but I was determined to not let go . I leaned back and remembered everything Judd had told me but in fast motion . Before I knew I was standing up . Little did I know getting up was the first big test of many . The malibu had a shorter rope so they had a less wide but taller wake . Wake is the waves on the side of you that the boat 's motor makes . I kept riding over the waves and every time I hit one my body wanted to fall and I kept bouncing and hitting the water but I never let go . I was a minute and a half into a three minute run and I fell . I felt a lot better though I finally got it . I kept doing my water skiing till the end of camp and I was still having fun with my friends and still getting to know more people . I had made a name for myself because I had gotten up in only a week and half and apparently that is quick so I was like okay . I made it to the end of my thirty day experience and eager for thirty more next summer . It finally was over sad but excited I loved my experiences and my friends there but I wanted to see my family again and my dogs so much . As soon as I got home I told everyone my experiences and how much I wanted to do it again . I told them that next year I want to do more water skiing , try wake boarding and after that I want to drop and slalom ski . I was ready for another big challenge and I know it was ready for me . Posted on January 11 , 2016 by lmm322 Reply It was October 25 , 2013 , my family and I were going to a festival . We had been planning on going for a while . Since this festival was outside we decided to bring our dogs and let them get some exercise . We had two dogs , Koko , the 15 year - old , and Pelli , the 13 year - old . Pelli was a yellow Labrador retriever , who thought she was a lap dog . Koko was a brown Labrador retriever , who had arthritis but only wanted to run around . As we went to get my dog Pelli , we realized she was sick . She was lying down on her stomach and wasn 't moving even though we were calling her name and holding up treats . We knew something wasn 't right . My brother got down on the floor and looked at my dog . I couldn 't look so I ran upstairs and into my garage . I was freaking out , confused with what was happening . Once my dog was safely in the car , we all got in . Since the veterinarian was just about a minute away , we decided to go see her . Dr . Smith was our go - to vet . She always made time for us if we needed her help . When we got there she expressed deep concern for Pelli . After about 10 minutes of talking to her we all came to a conclusion that we needed to get Pelli to the closest dog hospital which happened to be the Midwest Veterinary Referral Center since it was less than two minutes away . When we finally got to the building it didn 't even look like a pet hospital . It was a long building that had metallic tiles surrounding the big entrance doors . Almost the whole front of the building was made of glass . It looked more like a dog spa than a hospital to me . By the time we got to the front desk we were frantic . I remember the woman at the desk acting so calm and wondering how she can be so relaxed when my dog might be dying and in pain . It only took about a minute for the vet to come out and find us . First he looked at Pelli to see if she had any cuts or bruises on her . It was only 10 minutes but it felt like 10 days . When he came back out he informed us that she had a fabric cloth stuck in her intestine . None of my family knew what to say . The vet then went on to say that they needed to perform surgery on her to get it out or she had no chance . Of course we said yes . All I could think about was that Pelli was family to me . I was scared and sad and even mad that this could have happened . We weren 't allowed to see her until two days after the surgery was performed . When my family was finally able to I knew I wasn 't ready . I walked in that room thinking that she would be walking and the same old happy dog as before . I was wrong . What I saw tore me apart . There was Pelli . She had tubes in her legs , chest , and nose . Her back was shaved in the shape of a square . She had a bandage the size of a two hands on her stomach and she was almost two times larger than before due to all the fluids being put inside her . I just ran . I ran outside the room . I ran outside the building . Then I stopped . I sat down on the cold grey concrete and cried until there were no more tears . My Aupair Dani came running outside to find me . She sat down next to me and hugged me . She was telling me that it 's okay to cry and that she understood what I was going through . I sat there crying some more for around 10 minutes until I finally decided to go back into that room . The room itself was depressing it was painted grey , had a table for a dog to lay on , and counter surrounding all sides of the room covered with computers , x - ray machines , and papers . I took pictures of Pelli on my phone so that I would never forget her . We left a few minutes after that . I had never seen my family so sad and it scared me . Pelli was in the hospital for about a week after her surgery . At first she wasn 't doing so well . After a few more days she started to get better but then something went wrong . We don 't know what happened but she wasn 't doing well anymore . Then it happened we went back to the hospital , we knew it was coming but we just hoped it wouldn 't be that day or anyway soon . I knew that if I saw it happen I would be completely destroyed so I went back home with my Aupair and waited for my family to come back . It was only about 2 weeks after Pelli was put down that Koko started acting strange . She had been all alone without Pelli for longer than ever before and we could all tell she was getting sad . She wasn 't chasing the tennis balls anymore and she wasn 't nearly as energetic as before . At first we thought it was just her age . Then she wasn 't eating as much . Finally came November 30 . My brother went downstairs to feed Koko . He walked over to my dog and looked down at her lying in the crate . Just by looking at her he knew she wasn 't okay . Koko was lying on her stomach with her legs sticking out . She had thrown up on her bed and looked miserable . He started yelling for us to come down stairs . Koko wouldn 't get up . She wouldn 't even move a joint . When I looked at my dog I could tell she was ready to go . She had lived a long happy life and she was done . Once again my brother picked up my dog and ran up our hill as I opened our trunk . This process was too familiar and we all knew it . Instead of driving to our veterinarian like before , we drove straight to Midwest Veterinary Referral Center and ran inside . I was crushed again . It was like 2 pieces of me were just ripped away . I hate feeling vulnerable but at the moment that 's the only way I can describe my feelings . When I thought about all the reasons Koko was dying I had narrowed it down to 2 . One , that it was just her age . After all , she was 15 with arthritis . Two , that Pelli was the only reason Koko was still fighting . When I talk about my dogs death now I automatically say that Koko died because of reason number two . Maybe it 's because I can 't handle the thought of my dog being too old . Maybe it 's because I want to think of my dogs together in heaven . Honestly , I 'll never really know . It was about half a year after my dogs died that my family and I went to PetSmart to play with dogs for fun . They have a rescue group called Diana 's Grove Dog Rescue that comes in every Saturday . When we finally got there we decided to check out the dogs in the back . As we were looking we spotted a black Weimador ( Weimaraner and Labrador mix ) . He was a tall , skinny but muscular dog . He looked almost desperate for love . He had these big brown puppy eyes that felt like they were looking into your soul . We asked about him and one of the volunteers told us a bit about him . " This is Wallace . He has been with us for about 8 months . The first month that he was here , he was still with his brothers . One of his siblings had a disease and they all had to be put into quarantine . " Said the volunteer . The volunteer continued , " After Wallace was quarantined and sent to a vet he was put up for adoption . He 's been up for adoption ever since . " This means Wally was at the rescue for 7 months . " For some reason people seem to prefer just about the exact opposite of Wallace . A lot of the dogs we get that stay here for over a month happen to be either black male dogs just like him or older dogs . These older dogs don 't even have to be a year yet for little kids to consider them not as cute and for parents to automatically skip over them . " Said the lady . It 's weird to think someone wouldn 't want Wally because of his age or his fur or something as dumb as that but it was true . When I first saw him he was the only dog not barking and he had this look that made you want to just squeeze him . We decided to foster him for a night and the next morning we adopted him . I learned that people and animals are going to die and you are going to love someone or something and their going to leave . The hardest part is how you take the loss . Wally is my new dog and I 'm so happy that we have him but one day he won 't be here anymore and my family will be sad again . Honestly , that 's okay because it 's okay to be sad every now and then . What 's not okay is never recovering from a loss . Koko and Pelli were just the first losses that got to me . I will miss them and never forget them but I 've learned to move on . Posted on January 7 , 2016 by elijah Reply It was a very cloudy day with 100 % of rain , I was in the sky blue painted , 4 Year Old Room right across the hall from the Pre - K Room and Lot a Luv day care center . At the time I really didn 't care that it was going to rain , as a matter of fact I kind of liked rain so there was really no problem . Until I heard a crash of thunder and I got scared . My teacher had told me to stay calm and everything will be ok , but it didn 't work . I told her I wanted my mom and to go home , so she called my mom . But there was no answer . So I sat there and put my head down and tried not to think about the storm . My teachers turned on the local news to see what was going on in the cubicle with the TV in it . I couldn 't really understand what the weather man was saying . Then she and my other teacher got an alert on her phone . The alert read … " There is a severe thunderstorm in the STL area find shelter now ! Stay away from doors and windows . Find shelter now ! " After I read that alert I lost it , it went to screaming , crying , then to again screaming . My teacher asked me to be quiet . I didn 't listen then she TOLD me to be quite . I didn 't listen , she finally asked me if I wanted to go to my aunt who was the " Principal " to make me feel better I said yes . We got there and Aunt Burns was watching the news on her T . V . " Hi ! " Aunt Burns said . " Elijah is having trouble with the storm and he would like to stay in your office . " Aunt Burns laughed and said . " I can 't have an Elijah stay in my office for something as silly as a storm , but if you would like Elijah I can call your mom if you want . " I said ok and Ms . Tasha and I went back to the classroom . We I got back I checked to see if the storm had settled down , but when I had got to the window the lights started to flicker … A few seconds later they were out I got super scared and all the other kids did too . My teachers said to once again stay calm but this time they were talking to the entire class . Some students calmed down and others didn 't , I was one of the students who didn 't calm down , and the worst part was that all my friends had left and gone home which made even worse . 20 minutes went by and the lights were still turned off and the storm was still getting worse . I was still scared with the other kids and screaming , suddenly there was ringing in my ear I really didn 't know where it was coming from with all the crying and screaming . I listened closely and the noise sounded familiar . A few moments later Ms . Tasha yelled out " go to the bathroom ! " I finally realized that it wasn 't a ringing it was the tornado sirens . Ms . Tasha told us to pray and we will be ok , everyone prayed including Ms . Tasha and Ms . Shantay . The sirens went off and were directed to be seated by Aunt Burns . Another kid and I named Raunel lost it and started to run around the classroom like crazy people . Our teachers told us to sit down but we refused , and started to climb on the old wooden cubies that had a red stain on it from me spilling Cool - AID earlier that month . Ms . Shantay yelled and told us to get down … but it wasn 't until the third time we got down . She said we had a time out and couldn 't get up until we were told . So Raunel and I sat down and in the two burgundy chairs in the corner by the fish tank . Raunel sat down and said he wanted to take one of the fish in the tank home , and told me to pinky swear not to tell the teacher . And of course I told on him . Raunel got furious and started to kick Ms . Shantay and said that " I was going to regret what I did " . By that time his mom was there . She was wearing high heels and lots of make - up and smelled like Steak n Shake , she reminded me of a clown in one of those scary haunted houses . Ms . Shantay told the lady what her son had did and the lady got and started to curse out Ms . Shantay for saying her kid was causing trouble . Right behind her was my dad and I was so relieved to see him , because it looked like the storm was getting weaker . Unexpectedly my dad walked me outside and said to stay calm and everything will be okay . Ms . Shantay also let the other kids go outside but they looked completely fine with it and started to play on the monkey bars and the swing set . The thing that really made it crazy is that it was lightning outside and the kids were playing on medal objects . While I was banging on doors so someone could let me in , but my dad said stop and calm down . He had told me that storm aren 't that bad and you 'll be fine but I didn 't listen and just kept crying and screaming . 10 minutes later Ms . Shantay opened the door and said " now see that wasn 't so bad " . I gave her a stank look and walked away . She laughed and said I 'll see you tomorrow .

The Macho Minute is about my dog Macho , a chihuahua I rescued in January of 2010 . Macho was rescued from a house in Dearborn , MI where 100 + other Chihuahuas were found alive and another 150 + were found dead amongst garbage piled from floor to ceiling . Due to these living conditions , Macho is very timid at all times . I created the Macho Minute to share Macho 's stories and progress , as well as my joy of rescuing a dog who needs extra love and care . We finally got a little bit of snowfall here in Michigan this week ! It has been very warm , and then all of the sudden I woke up on Wednesday and there was a tiny bit of snow on the ground . Macho has never seen snow , so I was really excited to see how it went . I was always afraid to take him out in the snow when we lived on a very busy road just in case he freaked out and got loose . However , it wasn 't a very exciting experience ! Since it had rained the night before , the snow was kind of frozen and crunchy . Macho ran out of the door really fast , and then was surprised when the snow was on the deck and the grass . He almost immediately stopped and was walking very curiously on the crunching snow . He wouldn 't run around and play , he was just kind of standing there and would walk a few feet every once in a while . I guess I will just have to wait until there is a lot of snow to see how much fun he has ! Also , do you like his sweater ? Because I made it ! Thankfully I finished knitting it on Monday because he definitely needed it only a few days later . He wears it outside , but once he is inside , he doesn 't love wearing it . He will sneak it off while I am not looking : ) I realize that I have been slacking lately on posting and reading other blogs . But I swear I have a good reason ! This has been a super busy few weeks for me and Macho . A few days after I posted my last update , my boyfriend Nick and I decided to go our separate ways . Unfortunately , that meant that Macho and I had to move , again ! Macho was finally getting used to his new home when he had to go through moving all over again . I was very worried about Macho and how he would react to moving after going through it only 2 months prior . But the number one thing that I was looking for in a new house was an enclosed back yard for Macho . I found a house not too far away that had that and a few other things I was looking for , so I decided to move there . To my surprise though , Macho has been doing really great . He has had a few accidents causing me to have to hide an ottoman from him to get him to stop peeing on it , but other than that he has been doing really well . The backyard has been amazing for him . Not only is it bigger for him to run in , but it has a gate the entire way around so that I don 't have to hold the leash while we are out there . I was still hooking the leash to his harness as there 's a few spots in the fence where he could get under and I wanted to have a way to grab him really quickly if he went near that . But after a few weeks of him only paying attention to me and the cars driving by on the street , I realized that I have nothing to worry about . So earlier this week I took him out without the leash hooked to him , and he was like a free dog ! He runs around , mostly in circles , and plays his little game with me . He gets so excited when I pull out the harness because he knows that he gets to go outside . This morning I took a video of him getting excited to go out , and then of him running around . It wouldn 't let me save the entire video at once since it is big , so I separated it into two videos . My flip camera is boxed away somewhere , so when I find it I will make a better video and crop out Macho going to the batReactions : Links to this post Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post about Macho 's training ! He is still doing very well and getting better each day . I 'm happy to report that Macho has only been showing small signs of dominance ! There are times when Nick calls Macho but Macho doesn 't come . I 'm not sure why he does it , but he likes to run into the bedroom and lay in the cage . Nick isn 't doing anything bad , just sitting on the couch and calling Macho to come sit over by him . Macho should have learned by now that if he runs in the cage , Nick will come in there with the leash and make him come out . But he still runs in there occasionally . Other than that , the training is still going well . Macho is getting better at " stay " . Our trainer wants Macho to stay for his food when it is put on the floor . The problem is that Macho isn 't like most dogs who eat food the second that they see it . He usually waits for me to put in on the floor and sit down . Sometimes he even waits a few minutes before going to eat . Finally this morning I decided that I would just stand there while holding his food bowl and calling him . He actually came over and stood there waiting for me to put the bowl down . I said " stay " and put it down , and then let him go eat it , however , he was never trying to go to the food . I 'm going to keep doing this and see if it helps Macho to get more excited about eating . I know , it 's crazy to have a dog that doesn 't want to eat ! Now that Macho goes outside , I want to take a video of him playing out there with me . It 's pretty adorable to see him running around in the grass . Especially knowing that for the first half of his life he never got to go outside or play at all . I will post a video when I finally take one ! I 've been MIA lately as we 've been busy making Macho a better dog ! About two weeks ago , I was leaving the house and Macho was laying on our bed . He isn 't allowed to be in our bedroom while we are not home , so I told him to get off the bed . He really wasn 't happy about this ! I am usually able to say " Off " and point to the floor to get him to get off the bed , but when I did this , he just sat there . I reached down to pet him , and he tried to bite me ! Per our dog trainer 's advice , I am supposed to growl at him when he is misbehaving , so I did that . Sometimes all I have to do is walk behind Macho and he will walk away because he doesn 't like to have his back to you . So I did that , and he turned around and started showing his teeth to me . Clearly , I was not allowing this behavior . He stopped , walked over to my pillow and peed on it ! I couldn 't believe he did that . The next day I got home from work and took Macho out as usual . He didn 't pee , but since I still have the pee pads out for while I am at work , I thought he just didn 't have to go . I brought him in , and I heard him walk down the hallway . He went right into our bedroom and peed on our bed again . I decided it was time to take some action . Our dog trainer came out for a visit last week and said that Macho is starting to show dominance now that he is more comfortable with us . We have a lot of new exercises to work with him on . However , the biggest is that he is no longer allowed to sleep in bed with us or be on the bed in general ! This made us sad because he loves laying in bed and cuddling with us . But I know that it 's something we have to do to help him get better and teach him that we are the leaders , not him . The first night he wasn 't happy about sleeping in the cage , but since that first night he has gone in the cage without a fight . Last night I laid in bed reading a book , and he went right into the cage and laid there the whole time . So far the exercises have seemed to help , and Macho is showing less dominance by the day . We 're supposed to continue this for a mReactions : Links to this post I haven 't been posting on the blog for a while since we have been moving ! It 's been a little over 2 weeks since the move , and we are finally getting settled in . Macho has been great during the move . The first few days were tough as he didn 't know where to go to the bathroom which caused a few accidents . But since we have a fenced in backyard , we can take him out a lot more . He is slowly catching on that he is supposed to relieve himself outside instead of inside . He still has the pee pads to go on for moments when he is too impatient , but for the most part he has been waiting for us to take him out . Last night was the biggest breakthrough in the house training . We had a few friends over to watch football , and Macho decided to hang out in the bedroom as more than 3 - 4 people in one room makes him a little nervous . He was in the bedroom from noon until about 10 : 30 at night . I had checked on him frequently , and I noticed that he really hadn 't moved from the bed the whole time . Once everyone was gone around 10 : 30 , Macho hopped out of bed and came to me . I knew he would have to go out , so I got his leash and put it on him . Usually in the morning when we do this , he can 't hold it in and usually goes on the pee pad . I thought he would do it this time , but he let me take him out and he waited until he was outside to go ! I am excited for him that he 's learning . We moved in on a Monday and on that next Saturday we lost power during a pretty bad storm . We didn 't get power back until Wednesday , so there were a few days that we were copping without having a refrigerator , TV , or even light once it started to get dark around 8 : 30 at night . Macho started to get sick of it too , as we weren 't as lazy as we usually are when we don 't have a TV to watch . I snapped this picture of him , and it looks like he is adjusting well to his new home : ) We 're not moving too far , actually less than 2 miles from where we live now . But we will be off the busy road we live on and more in a neighborhood . We 've been looking for a very long time , and almost 2 months ago we found a house that would be perfect for us . It especially includes a backyard with a beautiful privacy fence . Perfect for a little pooch we like to call Macho ! It 's been a stressful week packing everything up , and I can tell that Macho is confused . I 'm trying to make the move as easy as possible for him . We are packing a truck with all of our things on Sunday , then we are moving everything into the house on Monday . We decided that it might be too stressful to have Macho at home , so we are taking him to my parents ' house overnight . Then we will be bringing him to the new house for the first time ! I think he will like it even though it will be something he will have to get used to . This leads me to some questions - What can I do to make the move easier on Macho ? Is there anything I should do when bringing him into the house for the first time ? Have you ever moved a dog who marked into a new home ? I 'm really concerned that Macho will go crazy peeing all over the house to mark it . He doesn 't do this anymore , but I am wondering if he will start again in a new space . The previous owners did not have any animals , so there shouldn 't be any scents in the house , but it still worries me . Any advice would be great ! I had never heard about anyone ever having their dog stolen until this year . My friend 's cousin came home to find her house broken into . Burglars broke into her home and stole a lot of items - including her bichon frise . A news story about this event is here for anyone who is curious . It made me sick to even hear about this . It 's hard enough to lose a pet , but even more hard when you don 't know how they are being treated and what they were stolen for . This week I saw a news story that dog thefts are on the rise . When I heard about this , I didn 't understand what someone could want to steal a dog for . Apparently they can be stolen for many reasons . Some steal dogs because they can resell them just like any other object they steal . As if it couldn 't get any more sad , I found that this is how most dog fighting rings find their dogs . They want to get a dog as cheap as they can , and I guess a free dog is the best dog . It is recommended that you keep your eyes on your dog at all times . I 've heard that the people stealing dogs will go right into your backyard if you 're not outside . I know a lot of people don 't leave their pets in their cars in the summer , but the news has said that dogs have been stolen right out of cars while their owners were inside a business . It 's very scary and sad to think about . In case you haven 't heard of this , the story is here for anyone who wants to read it . They have other tips and information about what you can do to keep your dog safe . Since Macho 's last post wasn 't such a great one , we wanted to update to say that Macho is doing great ! He was fine once the weekend was over , which made me really happy . No more people food for Macho ! Ok , that 's a lie , I still sneak some to him . But it 's not as much as I was feeding him , and it 's food that I know he is able to eat . I checked to make sure he is still allowed to have french fries , as they are his favorite . Luckily it was on the list of safe foods , and a baked potato was actually suggested as a once in a while treat . Anyway , this weekend while Macho was sleeping on the couch , he started barking in his sleep ! We have only head Macho bark twice since we 've had him , so this was a rare occurrence ! However , it makes me curious as to why he doesn 't bark . Is it common for rescue dogs to not bark ? I know that it is common for a scared dog to not bark , but once he / she is comfortable in their environment , don 't they begin barking ? Believe me , I am thankful that Macho doesn 't bark all the time . But to hear him every once in a while would be nice . When he is scared , he runs to a safe spot . I guess this must be his way to protect himself instead of barking ? But don 't all dogs bark eventually ? I 've never heard of a dog that never barks . It 's almost like a cat ! I leave you with a little video of Macho doing some damage to a bully stick this weekend ! It 's safe to say that Macho didn 't enjoy his weekend too much ! On Thursday I put a little spaghetti sauce mixed in with his food , and lets just say it was a natural laxative for Macho ! I came home from work on Friday to Macho looking as normal as usual , but with an unpleasant surprise in the house . That night , it seemed to only be worse . He began to throw up too , which was then all over my comforter , bed sheets , and bedroom floor . I felt terrible , especially because it 's my own fault for giving him a little human food ! On Saturday and Sunday he was feeling better but was sleeping a lot . I think he might have been dehydrated , so I started mixing food with his water so he would get some back into his system . By Sunday night he was getting a little antsy . He was laying in funny positions ( including using my ball of yarn as a pillow ) , and then would squirm around a lot . At one point he moved around so much that he got stuck under the blanket that we lay on " his spot " of the couch so it 's not covered in hair . He found his way out eventually , and I had to snap a picture . I didn 't get it in the shot , but his tail was wagging ever so slightly while this was going on . Almost like it was a game ! Apologies for the lack of posts lately ! I 've been reading other blogs but never posting on mine for some reason ! It 's been super hot here in Michigan the past few days . Macho has been going outside , but he is quickly ready to go back in ! On Sunday we lost power when it was 90 degrees ! Luckily our house stayed cool until the morning , but once we opened the windows , it was too hot for all of us . We decided it was time to pack up Macho and take him somewhere . We 've taken Macho out in his carrier before , but mostly for the vet . So it was quite an adventure to take him to my parent 's house for the day where it was nice and cool . I was nervous that Macho might pee all over , or he might run into their basement to hide from all of us . It was nice because we had the house to ourselves when we got there as my parents were at work . As you can see from the picture , Macho took no time to make himself at home ! What a goof ! Macho didn 't go to the bathroom in the house once ! And we were there for over 8 hours ! I took him outside for a few minutes ( since it was 96 degrees and very humid ) , and he went to the bathroom like he knew exactly what to do . I was very proud . He did fairly well when my Mom came home but got a little nervous when she pet him . Hopefully this means that we could take him more places than we thought we could ! Thankfully our electricity was turned on last night so we were able to go home and turn on the air conditioning . It 's supposed to be hot the rest of the week , and I saw on the news that 's it 's hot all over . We hope everyone is staying cool somehow ! Everyone laughs at me when I tell them that I sometimes sleep on the couch because Macho is taking up the whole bed . They say that he is a 15 pound chihuahua , how much room can he take up ? This picture is proof that Macho is a bed hog . I got out of the shower one morning this week to find Macho taking up the entire bed , leaving Nick about 6 inches of bed to lay on . It 's not so bad when I 'm sleeping alone because I just move to the other side of the bed . But it 's the worst when Nick isn 't traveling for work , and I have to sleep on the couch because there 's no other side of the bed to lay on . Sorry the picture is so dark , but I didn 't want to turn the flash on and wake them up : ) Over the past few days , we 've been hearing that a Breed Specific Legislation ( BSL ) may be passed in Michigan to ban residents in the entire state from owning a Pit Bull . If passed , all Pit Bulls in the area would need to be spayed / neutered within 3 - 4 years and within 10 years , no one would be able to own a Pit Bull . It left me wondering what would happen to all the Pit Bulls who were spayed within those first 4 years ? They would be able to live for 6 more years in Michigan , and then what ? But I no longer have to worry because the bill was turned down ! The article is actually very supportive of Pit Bulls and definitely gives a great view of why there shouldn 't be a BSL anywhere . I hope that since the bill didn 't pass , maybe they will pass a bill that requires Pit Bull owners to take training or have the dog certified as a good citizen so that the attacks don 't continue to happen . Like it says in the story , there are no bad dogs , just bad owners ! If you 'd like to read the story you can here Macho has a pretty awesome feature post at Coffee with a Canine today ! If you want to check it out , click on the blog link or click here for the post about Macho . I have been extra busy at work these past few weeks , so my posting has been low . But , everything has been going really well in Macho 's world . He did really well over Memorial Weekend while Nick and I went away to Lake Michigan for a few days . My cousin stayed at our house to watch over Macho , and he did great . He hopped up on the couch with her and her friends , which is a pretty awesome development as he usually just lays in bed while we have someone watching him . He also attempted to sleep in bed with her ! I was pretty proud of him : ) The past four days have been awesome for Macho . Ironically , the past four days have been awful for me ! I have been super sick , unable to go to work or leave the house , and have been doing nothing but sleeping or hanging out on the couch . Macho , however , has been happier than ever since all he ever does is stay in the house sleeping or hanging out on the couch . Now he has a buddy to do all of this with . He got to sleep in bed a lot this weekend , and that 's his favorite thing to do ! I made Nick sneak a picture of us yesterday on the couch . He 's so happy ! I felt bad having to go back to work today ( even though I 'm still sick ) . I 'm hoping to be back to normal soon , but I know Macho is hoping for the exact opposite : ) Although I 've been logging in to read other blogs , I 've realized that it 's been a while since I 've actually posted ! Not much has been going on in Macho 's world . We haven 't had too many nice days since Macho had the good weekend , but he does seem to be happier lately . The other day when I came home he actually walked up to me at the door , but ran away when I bent down to say hi . I was really surprised as he usually just stands there looking at me when I walk in the door . I am trying to get a video of Macho " playing , " but every time I try to take a video , he 's more concerned with the camera than playing . I sit on the bed in our bedroom and call him , and he will run really fast into the room and jump onto the bed . Sometimes he runs right up to my face if I am laying down . He will stare at me for a second , and when I move or put my hands on the bed , he will do this little jump where he looks like he 's about to play with me . Then he will scurry off the bed and run back in to do the same thing . The move he does reminds me of this awesome chihuahua that I 've seen videos of on youtube named Burger . The link to the video is here , and in it you see Burger puts hits front paws down on the bed really fast around the 23 second mark . This is what Macho does , but right after he does it , he will run away instead of play . I keep trying to get him to do more , but as always , Macho only wants to do things when he feels like it . Nick thinks that I am probably just scarring Macho and that is why he is running away . But I think this is playing that he is taking him time to get used to . Nick hasn 't seen Macho actually play like this though , so I am guessing he would change his mind if he saw a video . Tomorrow Macho is going in to get heartworm medication and to get his nails clipped . I 'm worried about him as usual , but I 'm going to request the same doctor who cleaned his teeth since she did such an amazing job with him . I 'm sure the nail clipping will be just as awful as it usually is , but I 'm hoping Macho won 't hold as long of a grudge agReactions : Links to this post I 'm not too sure what was going on this weekend , but Macho was pretty excited about it . He seemed happier , more energetic , and more comfortable than he usually is . I definitely liked it ! Yesterday when I left for work , he tried to follow me out as if he didn 't want me to leave . He never does that ! Do you think it 's the sunshine ? Or maybe the fresh air he got when I opened the windows on Sunday when it was 70 degrees here in Michigan ? Hopefully this good weather makes for not only a good weekend but a good summer for Macho ! I was recently in a conversation with a group of people , and we were talking about nicknames we have for our dogs ( or names you call your dog other than his / her actual name ) . I realized how funny some of the nicknames are that we have for Macho . Here are some of them : Macho Man ( like the song ! ) Macho Poochu ( like Machu Picchu ) PooperPooch - A - LoopPoochie PieGoofy PoochWhy do we have such weird names ? Why do I call my dog Poochie Pie ? Where did that even come from ? Doesn 't it make you ask these questions sometimes ? What are some of the names you call your pets ? Is there a reason why you call him / her that name ? I think it 's actually a pretty funny thing to think of ! My vacation went by way too quickly , but as always , I was happy to return home to see Macho . He really wasn 't too excited - I actually think he was more confused than anything ! But he quickly was back to normal once he realized that I was back . I visited my Aunt in California , and she has two dogs - a boxer named Foxy Lady and a mix named Jackie Brown . I 've met Foxy before , but this was my first time meeting Jackie . I think she is a pit bull mixed with quite a few other breeds , but I 'm not sure which ones ! They are both adorable , and my favorite thing was that they both sat on the couch in front of the window for hours just looking out at cars , people , birds , etc . It was hard to get a picture since the window is big and bright , but here 's how they would sit : It was pretty cute ! They are both really good dogs . Jackie even has an awesome story . She lived her whole life at a shelter because she is pretty weird looking ( in a good way though ! ) . They said only one woman adopted her and brought her back because she couldn 't handle her . When my aunt wanted to get a friend for Foxy , she went with her boyfriend and his son to pick out another dog . Her boyfriend 's son was keen on Jackie , but my aunt was a little hesitant . But they adopted her anyway and found out that she was similar to Macho . She didn 't like to be pet , and it even made her skin crawl . She didn 't know how to play and wasn 't too social . But my aunt worked with her and now she 's a completely different dog ! She likes to be pet now and even cuddles with my aunt ( and with me while I was there ! ) . I couldn 't get a good picture of her either , she was just curious of what my phone was doing . But here 's the best picture I could get ! Any ideas what other breeds she could be ? I didn 't know that today is National Puppy Day , but I came across this website for it : http : / / www . nationalpuppyday . com / index2 . htm It has quite a bit of information , but as always , my favorite part is about why you should adopt . Hopefully some puppies find homes today because of this day ! I 've been prettyReactions : Links to this post It 's safe to say that Macho no longer has a grudge against me for taking him to the vet . For a few days after he wouldn 't come and sit by me on the couch since that is where I picked him up to put him in the carrier for the vet . He would hop up on the couch to sit with me , then he would stop dead in his tracks as if he suddenly remembered me picking him up and taking him . I snapped this picture of him on Friday while he was sitting with me . Guess his grudge didn 't last too long . Not much else has been going on in Macho 's world . He might be upset with me in a few weeks because we are planning a week long vacation in California . My brother will be watching Macho , and when he watched Macho over Christmas , Macho pretty much ignored my brother the whole time . I am hoping that he will warm up to him since he will be there for a week . This will be the longest I 've ever been away from Macho ! But we are ready to get out of this Michigan cold and get into some warm weather . Today I sent in a claim for Macho 's pet insurance for his vet bill . This is the first claim I 've ever made , so I am hoping it is accepted . If not , I 'm starting to think this pet insurance is a bit of a waste of money . We can only use it if Macho has a first time illness , has a broken bone , gets a burn , or ( I hate this one ) if we have to euthanize him . This claim that I sent in was for almost $ 80 , so hopefully it is accepted since I paid more than that for the pet insurance last year ! We hope all is well with everyone else ! We have been blog slackers lately , but wanted to give an update on Macho 's dental cleaning ! On Friday we took Macho to the vet to have his teeth cleaned , and as usual , I was terrified about how this would go . I need to stop being so worried about Macho because he did great ! The vet brought Macho out of his carrier to let him walk around and be comfortable . When she picked him up to put him on the table he was fine . He was pretty scared when she started to listen to his heart and check out his teeth , but was fine again when she stopped . When she picked him up a second time he was completely calm , I couldn 't believe it . Just an hour earlier when I picked him up to put him in his carrier , he fought me like crazy ! Macho stayed at the vet for a few hours , and we found out that he only had to have one tooth pulled . He also had his nails trimmed while he was under ( thank God ! ) , and they found out he had an ear infection . All weekend he wouldn 't sit by me on the couch , and I am assuming that is because he was afraid I would grab him again to take him back to the vet ! He will lay with me on the bed , and just this morning he sat with me before I left for work . He must not be holding a grudge anymore ! The worst part about this is that his leg looks terrible . They said they had a catheter in his leg , so that must be why it looks like this . But doesn 't it look awful ? I hope it goes away soon and that it isn 't causing him too much pain ! We need to go around and read all the other blogs that posted this weekend , but have been so busy with Macho 's teeth and recovery that I haven 't had a chance . But no worries , we will catch up soon : ) We hope everyone has a great Valentine 's Day , even if it is just a little Hallmark holiday ! I just wanted to write a quick update to let everyone know that I am the guest blogger on the Pet Blogs United page today ! I wrote a post about a petition site that can help animals worldwide . I hope you check out my post here and that you join the site as well ! Last week ( sorry , I 've been a slacker ! ) Casper from Casper Bear " Life of a Chocolate Lab " gave the Macho Minute an award ! We are totally excited , especially because we love Casper 's blog as well ! The award is called the Stylish Blogger Award , and since it was given to us , we have to give 7 facts about us . Here they are : We don 't know how old Macho is , but based on health , he is probably 4 or 5 . Macho 's favorite treat is a Bully Stick . No one knows what these are , and we didn 't know about them until our trainer recommended them . They are sticks that come in all sizes and they are stinky . But apparently all dogs LOVE them . Macho loves a good Bully Stick and will chew on it for a really long time . We have only heard Macho bark twice since we have had him . The first time was when another dog tried to steal a treat of his and the second time was when another dog tried to come into his cage while he was in it . Our lease is up in April and we are looking to buy a new home . I am curious to see how well Macho will adjust to a new home , and especially curious to see what happens if we let him outside in a fenced in yard since he has never experienced that much freedom . Macho is going to the vet to have his teeth cleaned a week from today , and I am terrified ! I hope it all goes well and that the vet bill isn 't $ 500 ! Macho doesn 't know how to play and completely ignores all the toys we bought him . Anyone know how to get a dog to understand how to play ? One of my favorite things is when I come home from work . When I am unlocking the door , I can hear Macho crying inside . Once I am inside he walks around crying while I take my coat and shoes off , put down my purse and laptop , and then slip into some sweatpants . Macho will just walk around crying the entire time . Some may think that this is sad , but it 's because he is patiently waiting for me to sit on the couch with him . The second I sit on that certain spot of the couch , Macho literally sprints over to the couch and hops up on it like a deer jumping a fence just to sit next to me . IReactions : Links to this post Macho is quite the mooch if there is food around . On New Years Eve this year , Nick and I decided to stay in , cook dinner , and drink some champagne . Macho definitely enjoyed it , as he got a few bites of steak and potatoes . It wasn 't until Nick started to eat his dessert , a cupcake with a massive amount of frosting on it . I couldn 't help but take a video of Macho being a mooch and trying to eat it . At about 37 seconds , you can see him score a big hunk of the frosting . What a pooch ! Note : Please excuse the language in the background . We were watching Nip / Tuck , and I didn 't realize it until I watched the video : ) Reactions : Links to this post A few months ago , I took up knitting as a new hobby . I have been enjoying myself while learning how to knit , making new projects , and spending time on more important things while I am forced to watch 14 hours of football each Sunday . It turns out , I am not the only person interested in my new knitting hobby . When I first started to learn , Macho would look at me like I was crazy . He was very interested in what I was doing , and I could tell that he wanted to get his paws on the yarn . But to my surprise , when I let him sniff the yarn , he didn 't care . It was the needles that he was curious about . He sniffed the entire needle when I held it up for him , and he opened his mouth for the most slow , curious bite I have ever seen a dog take . I got a little nervous , and I told him not to bite the needle as I was afraid it might break or split the wood . Since then , Macho just takes little sniffs while I knit and he sits next to me cuddled up . It wasn 't until recently that Macho took up curiosity in the yarn . One night Nick and I left to go to a family gathering , and all seemed ok when we got home . It wasn 't until the next morning that I went to go sit on the couch , and in Macho 's little corner , there lay the destroyed ball of yarn . I had a freak out moment thinking that the mitten attached to the needles would be ruined . But it was the yarn that Macho played with . I 'm not joking about the yarn being destroyed , as you can see for yourself below ! Finishing the mitten was fun , as I was constantly trying to untie the huge and impossible knot attached the the ball . Even when the mittens were finished , I set them out on the ottoman before Nick got home so I could surprise him with the mittens I made for him . While in the kitchen making dinner , I heard Macho walking around on the couch . I looked up , and there was Macho , standing back paws on the couch and front paws on the ottoman biting the mittens . Of course I wanted Macho to enjoy my knitting too , so I made him a small little " toy " by knitting a small square from the yarn he destroyReactions : Links to this post Only one year ago today , I was standing at the Dearborn Animal Shelter waiting to pick up Macho ! I still can 't believe how much progress he has made in only one year . Can you believe this : Then : When we brought Macho home , he stayed in his cage about 99 % of the day . He only came out to go to the bathroom or sniff around his cage . We would be sitting on the couch watching TV , and all of the sudden we would hear his nails on the hardwood floor . Nick and I would look at each other with excitement , and then one of us would peak around the couch to see him outside of the cage . The second that he noticed us watching him or he heard us move , he would run back to the cage . Now : Macho 's cage is actually in my closet in our bedroom . He has access to it whenever he wants , but he never goes in it . His bed is still in the place where his cage was in the living room , and he only lays in it when we aren 't home or occasionally when we are up and walking around . Then : At night , we would be laying in bed , and again we could hear Macho 's nails on the floor in the living room . We could hear him running around the living room , hoping on the couch , eating , etc . But he would never , ever come in the room at night . Now : Every single night , Macho is excited to sleep in bed with us . If we open the bedroom door , Macho is either already behind us waiting to get in or you can hear him running from wherever he is in the house . He sleeps not only in the bedroom , but with us in bed right in between us . He cuddles up on one of us during the night and loves to be in bed . He hates to get up in the morning ( which he makes very obvious by peeing on the bed ) ! Then : Macho would not let us pet him . Ever . If we wanted to touch him , he had to be in his cage , and he would be all the way at the back trying to get away . He refused to let us put a leash on him and he would even try to come up to us . Now : Macho loves being around us when we are home . If we are sitting on the couch , he is sitting next to us . If we are in bed , he is laying there with us . If I am standing Reactions : Links to this post At a mere 15 pounds , Macho is a little guy with a lot of courage . His curiosity leads him to face his fears everyday as he becomes more comfortable in his new home . Check back to see how he progresses : )

Texas , 1872When a stagecoach is robbed , two men are killed and young woman is kidnapped . Soon after , Yancy and Cooper Landon find themselves pursuing them . Meanwhile , their old foe Lee Mattingly has his own problems . Betrayed by his partners , Lee sets out on a path of vengeance while at the same time trying to help a young captive girl . It isn 't until their trails cross that both sides realize just how entwined their paths are . And , they soon realize that if they are to achieve their goals , they will have to go down the same path together . General Whitcomb selected Zack because of his stellar work in an earlier CIA Gondola program . In the early months of his assignment , Zack has occasionally functioned as a Middle East terrorist consultant to the FBI . He has a heated confrontation with his CIA boss , Bill McCracken , related to an ominous Arabic message Zack translated from a terrorist 's laptop computer . Knowing the vital importance of his secret skill , Zack answers another General Whitcomb request , one taking him on mission to the Middle East . Zack 's mission objective is to identify whether there 's a powerful new terrorist leader , and if so , identify who it is . He takes the mission knowing he may have to use a skill learned in the CIA Gondola program , a skill that brought him a vision of his own death . What he discovers on the mission launches him into a mental battle with a man possessing the same secret as Zack , an ability nurtured in a secret Russian KGB program . If Zack fails to stop this man , the world will be plunged into nuclear destruction . Posted by The CEOBy Steve Bederman Publication Date : August 21 , 2010Publisher : Solstice PublishingISBN : 978 - 1452834818 ( Paperback ) Number of Pages : 458Genre : Crime Fiction / Thriller / Corporate Thriller / Adults Available in Print or eBook Format From : http : / / www . amazon . com / The - CEO - ebook / dp / B003IPCKKM / ref = sr _ 1 _ 2 _ bnp _ 1 _ kin ? ie = UTF8 & qid = 1377091657 & sr = 8 - 2 & keywords = the + ceoTHE CEO HAS BEEN OPTIONED FOR FILM AND HAS BECOME A TOP SELLER IN CRIME FICTION ON AMAZON ! ! About The CEO : " The CEO " is a fast paced corporate thriller of loves come and gone , innovation , resilience , corporate philanthropy , vision , and deception . Corporate business leaders are protected by their own small armies of private security whose power will surprise . The story takes the reader behind the scenes and into the back office meetings of both corporations and countries ; traveling from Denver to New York to London to Bogota and to Paris . As Mitch and his team of loyalists ' race against time they are faced with constant revelation of threats against the company and those involved ; including the life of the woman that Mitch falls deeply in love with . The depth of the plot reveals a 200 year old secret between two of the world 's most powerful countries . If the secret is revealed it could destroy the balance of power in the world . Though , if the secret stays protected it could crush all that Mitch Jacobs desires . Although Mitch Jacobs never questions his ability to conquer the current forces against him , it is a race to answer the questions : 2nd EditionRevised 8 - 14 - 13 Amazon Best Seller # 35 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Romance > Anthologies Rachel Connors loved her life , and her job as a manager at a ski resort in Aspen Colorado , but after learning she was ill , she decided to take a long needed vacation to her parent 's home . This was when she met Kyle Landers , who in her absence had moved into her parent 's lives , and before he 'd even met Rachel , Kyle had decided not to like her . Kyle had been alone in the world when Rachel 's parents had taken him in ; and he couldn 't understand why their ungrateful daughter had chosen to distance herself from them . Rachel and Kyle grew closer , and she knew she was falling for him . Everything changed when Rachel was scheduled to meet Kyle , but a call from her doctor summoned her back to Aspen , telling her parents there was a problem at work . When Kyle hears of this , he boards a plane to find her , learning the truth of her condition . Their love blossomed but it was to be short lived when on their flight back to the ranch the plane crashed . Despite an extensive search , Kyle was never found , and Rachel was forced to go on without him . Four years had passed , and Rachel 's relationship with Marcus , her new boyfriend , was moving to a different level , but at the same time , the thought dead Kyle had come out of his coma ; his mind lost in the events four years earlier . After Rachel accepted Marcus ' proposal , Kyle returns , leaving Rachel with a dilemma . For four years Marcus had been by her side , but now Kyle was back , wanting her just as much as he had the day of the crash . She needed to get away to make her decision , so she left for Aspen , only Kyle followed her to try to convince her that they belonged together . Who will Rachel Chose ? Is Kyle 's love enough to bring her back to him ? The snow was coming down hard , quickly blanketing the ground as it fell . Rachel Connors sat on her window sill , watching it fall . The tears rolled down her face , as the thought of going back home haunted her . She hadn 't seen her parents in five years , and wasn 't completely positive she was making the right decision in going back now . She needed to be near family now more than ever . Rachel decided to keep her medical problems to herself . There was no sense in making her parents worry about her . She would tell them nothing . The sound of the cab 's horn jarred her out of her thoughts . She wiped the tears away and grabbed her bags . She would be staying with her parents until after the holidays . The doctors didn 't need to see her until the new year . How am I supposed to forget everything and enjoy a vacation at a time like this ? Rachel sat in the back seat of the cab as it headed to the airport . It would be a long plane ride from Colorado to her parents ' ranch in Tennessee , an hour and a half outside of Nashville . It was always beautiful there . They always teased her growing up about being a singer , but she never had any interest in singing . She always wanted to be a talent agent . She wanted to be the one who found the talent , which was exactly what she did . She was very successful at it , until she received a job offer to manage a friend 's ski resort in Aspen . It was a great escape from the harsh realities of the past , and she grew to love her new life . Rachel took a long nap on the plane . She had been under a lot of stress lately . It seemed like only minutes after her head hit the pillow that she heard the flight attendant say they were landing . She looked around and saw that they were coming onto the runway . She rubbed her eyes and stretched her arms before standing up . Kyle Landers waited for her in the terminal , holding up a sign for a woman he had never met . How do I get myself into situations like this ? he thought as he started to pace back and forth . He couldn 't tell Sue and Tom that he wouldn 't go pick up their daughter for them even though he knew he wouldn 't like her . He couldn 't understand how she could stay gone as many years as she did knowing her parent 's missed her . Kyle would do anything for Sue and Tom . They took him in four years ago when he didn 't have anywhere else to go . He had no family and them gave him a job on the ranch . He looked back and forth for Rachel . He had seen many pictures of her over the years . Kyle decided he didn 't want to give some stuck up , too good to come home to her family , uptight woman a ride . He dropped the sign into the trash can and walked out . He would tell Sue and Tom the flight must have been delayed . He felt a little bad lying to them , but he knew that their daughter could use a good lesson on how you treat people . As she entered the terminal , Rachael looked for her ride . Her parents told her a man named Kyle would be picking her up . Not seeing him , she thought he might be outside , or in the luggage area . As she left , she saw a large cardboard sign lying in the trash can with her name on it . Where was he ? Why didn 't he wait ? The plane was right on time . She collected her luggage and walked out of the building , hopeful of catching a cab . Rachel walked up and down on the sidewalk trying to hail someone , with no luck . All the cabs were busy and she wanted to go home . She grabbed her bag and started to walk . Surely somebody would give her a ride within an hour and a half 's distance , she thought . As she looked around for prospects , she saw a young man getting ready to get into his truck . " Excuse me , sir . My name is Rachel Connors . Can you please give me a ride to my family 's ranch ? I 'll pay for the gas and if you can 't take me all the way there , I would be happy with anywhere close . My ride didn 't show up to pick me up and I can 't seem to get a cab . " Kyle shot her a look that let her know he wasn 't in the mood to talk . He couldn 't believe his luck . Of all the people wanting a ride it had to be the one person he wanted to leave at the airport . " Let 's go . I have a lot of work to get done back at the ranch . " She jumped up into his truck not saying a word . Rachel felt a little uncomfortable being with him . Once she buckled in , she looked over at him . " Excuse me , but you haven 't even told me your name . " " Have I done something to offend you ? I don 't even know you , but you seem to dislike me for some reason . " She said , as she played with her hands nervously . " Wait a minute . Are you Kyle Landers ? The same Kyle Landers that works for my father ? Why were you going to leave me here at the airport ? I wasn 't late . " Kyle really didn 't want to get into it with her right then , but it was going to be an hour and half ride back to the ranch . He knew he would have to talk to her at some point in time . " Why don 't we stop to eat ? I haven 't had lunch yet . " They drove for another thirty minutes in silence before turning into the parking lot of a small restaurant . Rachel had eaten at there before and remembered them having good food although she hadn 't been eating much of anything lately . She hoped the trip back home would take her mind off her problems , but not bring up bad memories in the process . They found a table in the back away from everyone . Kyle sat down and picked up a menu without speaking . When the waitress walked by he waved her over to him . " I 'll take a cheeseburger , fries and a coke please . " Rachel saw the waitress look over at her . " I 'll take the same . Thanks . " She looked over at Kyle . " How long have you worked for my father ? " " That 's great . My father really needed help after Bobby . . . . Well , never mind . I 'm glad my father has you . " She took a sip of her soda trying to hold back the tears as she thought about her brother . Kyle looked surprised to hear that Tom had somebody else work for him . He hadn 't ever heard them talk about anyone else . " Who 's Bobby ? I 've never heard the name before . " Rachel looked surprised by the question . " Oh , well . . . Bobby was my brother . You would have liked him . He died six years ago in a car accident . " The food came and they ate in silence . When they were finished , they started back to the ranch . Neither of them spoke . Rachel couldn 't help but wonder why Kyle seemed to dislike her so much . How could he make a judgment so fast without even knowing her ? She sat there staring out the window thinking about when she was younger . She remembered how her and Bobby would go on long walks exploring the entire ranch or taking the horses out across the range . He would run the horse like he was in a race that he had to win . She could remember staying back , watching him go . He feared nothing and embraced life to the fullest . Rachel could feel the tears starting again . She hadn 't been home in so long that she had buried the memories deep down . She always thought about Bobby during the holidays , but more so this year . Bobby would have handled the news from the doctors better than she did . Rachel wiped a tear from her eyes . Kyle glanced over at the saddest person he had ever seen . He was beginning to think maybe he misjudged her . Could she have good reasons for not coming around ? Did it have something to do with Bobby ? He knew that he didn 't know anything about her , but the same time he knew that he wanted to . " Is everything all right ? " he asked . Kyle could tell that she didn 't really want to talk about it and he wasn 't sure that he did either . " It 's not much further , " he said as he wished he could take the words back . Of course she knew it wasn 't much further . She grew up there . He always got flustered when he got nervous . He stared at the road , trying to focus on his driving . Rachel could see her parents ' house coming into view as she got more excited . She couldn 't wait to see her mom and dad . It had been a long time . They had visited her two years ago in Colorado , but she just couldn 't bear to come back home after Bobby died . She 'd stuck around home for about a year after his death and then she had to get out of there . He was not only her brother but also her best friend . She didn 't know how to live without him . She knew that learning how to was one way she could remember him . The truck stopped and Rachel jumped out as fast as she could . She saw her mother standing on the porch with a smile on her face . Rachel ran to her and threw her arms around her . " I missed you , " she said to her mom . They talked for hours , sitting in the living room around the fireplace . Her mother had made hot chocolate and apple spiced cake . Her mother always made the best cakes in the world . At least that was what Rachel always thought . She loved being home again and hated to think about leaving . She decided to go take a nice long , hot bubble bath before going to bed . She needed it after all the stress she had been under lately . She planned to get up bright and early to go riding on the ranch . It had been too long time since she 'd had the chance . " Yes . It 's been a while . I can 't wait . Would you like to go with me ? " she asked , then blushed . The words came out of her mouth without thinking . Rachel went over to one of the stalls and started brushing a midnight black horse . Its coat was shiny and smooth . " This is my horse , buttercup . I haven 't ridden her in a while . I 'll get her ready for me to ride . If you don 't mind ? " " No . Go ahead . I 'll saddle up Ranger for me . " He walked over to the brown horse in the last stall and started getting the horse ready . Ten minutes later , they headed off across the land . Rachel loved the feel of the wind hitting her in the face as she galloped across the fields . Thoughts of her and Bobby racing their horses flooded her mind . She pulled up at a creek to let her horse have some water and a rest . Once dismounted , she looked back to see if Kyle was still there . He was coming up behind her at a slower pace . She walked over and sat down on a big rock and watched her horse drink from the creek . Glancing up at Kyle she said . " It 's okay though . I get paid good money to do what I do . " " Money isn 't everything though . You need family too . " He still wasn 't sure why she moved away , but he was starting to think she had reasons , and maybe he was wrong to misjudge her the way he did . He could tell that she loved her family . Why did she leave ? He wanted to know , but didn 't want to come right out and ask . Rachel sighed . " I know , and I do miss my family . It was really hard on me after Bobby died . I stuck around for about a year afterwards , but then I had to get out of here . Now I don 't know what has been keeping me away . I wish more than ever that I lived here near my parents . " She looked away with a tear in her eye . She didn 't want to cry in front of him , and she didn 't want this complete stranger to know anything about her medical problems . Kyle didn 't know what she meant by that , but he could see a sadness in her eyes . He stood there staring at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen . She was about five foot , five inches tall with long brown hair . She couldn 't be more than a size six . He couldn 't believe that he was looking at her that way . It was only a day ago that he had decided that he didn 't like her . Things were changing for him too . He looked over at her . " I guess you and your brother were close ? " Rachel smiled as the thoughts of Bobby came back to her . " Yes , we were like best friends . We did everything together . It was really hard for me when he died . We had spent the whole day together that day at a baseball game in Nashville . That night Bobby wanted me to go to the store for him and get him some ice cream , but I was tired and said I didn 't want to . He left to go get it himself , and on his way home he was hit by a drunk driver . I can 't help but blame myself . If I had gone to the store , then maybe he would still be here with us . It 's my fault he 's dead . " Rachel couldn 't stop the tears from falling . They were coming down like rainfall . Kyle went over to her and took her into his arms . " It 's not your fault , Rachel . You can 't blame yourself . Is that why you have stayed away so long ? If it is , then I think you need to come home to your family . " Rachel wiped the tears away and walked back to her horse . " You don 't understand . I can 't leave Aspen right now . I have to be there . I wish I could , but I can 't . " She walked over and got up on her horse , riding away without looking back . When she returned to the stables , she removed the saddle and brushed her horse down , thinking about how great it would be if she could move back to the ranch now . But no - she needed to hear from the doctors first . Rachel was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of Kyle walking in with his horse . " How about you let me take you out tomorrow night for dinner to make up for it ? " Kyle had no idea where that came from . He was usually a little on the shy side with women . She looked at him with a little surprise in her eyes . " I would love to go out with you tomorrow night , but I can 't . Mom and Dad are going out of town to the cattle sales , and I promised that I would get some baking done for Thanksgiving for her . You 're welcome to come over and let me cook you something if you would like . We can watch a movie while the cakes are baking . " Rachel couldn 't believe she had made a date with him . She barely knew him , but she couldn 't help but think how great looking he was . He was six foot tall with sandy blond hair and a great complexion . She could tell that he worked long , hard hours out in the sun - he was well muscled and tan . She walked in the house and saw her mom over by the stove cooking . She went over to her and gave her a hug . " Something smells good . " " I 'm cooking dinner for Kyle while you 're gone . He asked me out and I told him I had to do the baking for you , but that I would cook him dinner . He said yes . " She seemed to be talking a mile a minute . Sue hadn 't seen her daughter look that excited about anything in a very long time . " I 'm glad honey , but I would be careful not to lead him on . You 're still leaving at the end of December aren 't you ? " " Yes , Mom . We won 't get serious . It 's just one date . " Rachel tried to make herself believe it more than her mother . She went over to the cabinet to get the dishes down to set the table . Then she went to get her father for dinner . They all sat down at the table together to eat . Rachel made small talk with her dad about the ranch and the horses . " How 's it going around here lately ? " Tom looked over at his daughter . " Well , I could sure use a good manager to run this ranch . Do you know anyone that can run a whole business , like maybe a huge resort , that might be interested in the job ? " Rachel had no idea that her dad wanted her to run the ranch with him . " Dad , I can 't believe you are asking me this . I would love to , but I can 't right now . I have some stuff that I have to take care of back in Aspen . Hopefully I can get that all taken care of in a few months and then I would love to move back here . " Sue 's face could have lit up the whole room . Happy didn 't come close to the way she felt at that very moment . She would do anything to have her daughter back home . " What do you have to take care of ? " Rachel nearly choked on her iced tea . " What ? Oh , I just need to give a notice at work . Help train somebody . That could take a few months . Then pack everything that I own and move it here . It might take me some time to get things in order , but I will work on it as quickly as I can . " After they all finished eating , Rachel went to take a long hot bubble bath . She filled the tub to the top , and then sank down in the steaming hot water . She felt so relaxed for a few minutes . She laid there in the tub , and before she realized what she was doing , her hand reached up and fell on her breast . She couldn 't help but touch it , but when she did the tears came flooding from her eyes . The doctors had found the lump in a routine exam . They told her that it may be nothing but they would have to run some blood tests and CT scans . If that didn 't give them the results that they wanted then she would have to have a biopsy . Rachel laid there in the bathtub crying until her water went cold on her . She didn 't know how long she had been in there but she knew she didn 't want to get out . After what seemed like hours , Rachel got out and dried off . She stood there looking at herself in the mirror for a few minutes . How could somebody as healthy as she had always been be sick now ? It didn 't make sense , and it didn 't seem fair . Was she being punished for something ? That was all that she ever thought to herself . She got dressed and crawled into bed . Maybe thinking about spending time with Kyle would help take her mind off other things . Rachel woke up to the smell of bacon cooking . She had truly missed being with her family . She usually grabbed something quick and easy for breakfast . It had been a while since she had a nice home cooked meal like the one she smelled downstairs . She threw her robe on and headed down the stairs . When she made it to the bottom , she saw Kyle sitting at the table . She turned around and ran back up the stairs as fast as she could . She couldn 't let him see her like that . She had to make herself beautiful . She ran over to the dresser and started combing her hair and putting some make - up on . She grabbed a red t - shirt and some blue jeans . When she finished getting dressed , she walked into the kitchen to find only her mother there . Her father and Kyle had already left to get started on the ranch work . " Yes , you did . Your father and Kyle already went out to the back field to gather the cattle for tonight 's sale . They will be gone for most of the day . I 'm sorry that you missed them , " her mother told her . " It 's no big deal . I was just wondering . " Rachel said as she acted like she wasn 't really interested . " I think I 'll go into town today and do some sightseeing . It 's been a while since I 've been home . " " That sounds like a great idea , dear . " Sue was glad to see her daughter thinking of it more like home . She had wanted her to move back for many years now . Rachel spent the whole day in town going from store to store looking around . She went into the music store and spent hours in there . She remembered going there with Bobby many times . It had a new owner now , but everything looked the same . Rachel picked up a couple of CDs to buy . After she left the music store she went into a small general store . The first thing that grabbed her attention was a pink ribbon pin for sale for one dollar to help promote breast cancer awareness . It seemed like she noticed more things like that now then she ever had . Rachel walked past the pin without picking it up . She didn 't need any reminders telling her that she might have cancer . It was scary enough thinking about it on her own and knowing that she was going through it alone . Rachel couldn 't tell her parents they could lose the only child they had left . She spent the rest of the day in town and then headed back home . She wanted to say goodbye to her parents before they left for their three day trip . They had asked her if she wanted to go with them , but she didn 't want to leave the ranch . It had been too long since she had been back there . Rachel didn 't want to think about leaving . She only had six weeks before she had to go back home for her doctor visit . That 's when she would get the results to the CT scan and blood work . She didn 't understand why the doctors couldn 't get the results before the holidays , but they said the lab was overloaded with work and they were way behind . She didn 't like it , but she understood . She pulled into the driveway and saw the cattle trailer hooked up to the back of her father 's truck . She had made it just in time to say goodbye before they left . Rachel walked in and found her mother in the kitchen making notes . " What are you doing mom ? " " I 'm making you a list of pies , cakes , and breads that I would like you to make for me while I 'm gone . I 'll be delivering them to the church when I get back . They are making baskets for needy families . " Sue told her as she handed her the list . " Wow , Mom . You have enough stuff on this list to feed the whole state . I 'll be busy all night and tomorrow too . " Rachel pretended to be angry , but the whole time she loved every minute of it . She hadn 't done any baking in years . She used to love making things with her mom . It was going to be fun being in the kitchen all weekend . She walked over and gave her mom a hug . " I love you . Have a good trip . " Rachel went back into the kitchen to try to figure out what she wanted to fix for dinner that night . She wanted it to be perfect for Kyle . She put some chicken breasts in the oven to cook . Then she peeled some potatoes to make mashed potatoes . She sliced one of her mom 's fresh loaves of bread and put some butter on the table . Rachel had everything almost finished when she heard Kyle pull in . She ran upstairs to spritz on her favorite perfume before he walked in . After double - checking her hair in the mirror , she hurried downstairs to the kitchen . He approached the caged fairy . The iron bars hissed , burning her as she tried to avoid the hand grabbing at her small form . With a precise movement , the priest holding her slit her throat above the goblet , her blood blending with that of the Priest of Hauk . Gliding on silent feet , Senyan approached the priest behind the body of the cleric of Hauk again . Without hesitation , the man knelt before Senyan and leaned his head back , exposing his neck . The man slit his own throat , giving his life in service to Senyan 's need .

Texas , 1872When a stagecoach is robbed , two men are killed and young woman is kidnapped . Soon after , Yancy and Cooper Landon find themselves pursuing them . Meanwhile , their old foe Lee Mattingly has his own problems . Betrayed by his partners , Lee sets out on a path of vengeance while at the same time trying to help a young captive girl . It isn 't until their trails cross that both sides realize just how entwined their paths are . And , they soon realize that if they are to achieve their goals , they will have to go down the same path together . General Whitcomb selected Zack because of his stellar work in an earlier CIA Gondola program . In the early months of his assignment , Zack has occasionally functioned as a Middle East terrorist consultant to the FBI . He has a heated confrontation with his CIA boss , Bill McCracken , related to an ominous Arabic message Zack translated from a terrorist 's laptop computer . Knowing the vital importance of his secret skill , Zack answers another General Whitcomb request , one taking him on mission to the Middle East . Zack 's mission objective is to identify whether there 's a powerful new terrorist leader , and if so , identify who it is . He takes the mission knowing he may have to use a skill learned in the CIA Gondola program , a skill that brought him a vision of his own death . What he discovers on the mission launches him into a mental battle with a man possessing the same secret as Zack , an ability nurtured in a secret Russian KGB program . If Zack fails to stop this man , the world will be plunged into nuclear destruction . Posted by The CEOBy Steve Bederman Publication Date : August 21 , 2010Publisher : Solstice PublishingISBN : 978 - 1452834818 ( Paperback ) Number of Pages : 458Genre : Crime Fiction / Thriller / Corporate Thriller / Adults Available in Print or eBook Format From : http : / / www . amazon . com / The - CEO - ebook / dp / B003IPCKKM / ref = sr _ 1 _ 2 _ bnp _ 1 _ kin ? ie = UTF8 & qid = 1377091657 & sr = 8 - 2 & keywords = the + ceoTHE CEO HAS BEEN OPTIONED FOR FILM AND HAS BECOME A TOP SELLER IN CRIME FICTION ON AMAZON ! ! About The CEO : " The CEO " is a fast paced corporate thriller of loves come and gone , innovation , resilience , corporate philanthropy , vision , and deception . Corporate business leaders are protected by their own small armies of private security whose power will surprise . The story takes the reader behind the scenes and into the back office meetings of both corporations and countries ; traveling from Denver to New York to London to Bogota and to Paris . As Mitch and his team of loyalists ' race against time they are faced with constant revelation of threats against the company and those involved ; including the life of the woman that Mitch falls deeply in love with . The depth of the plot reveals a 200 year old secret between two of the world 's most powerful countries . If the secret is revealed it could destroy the balance of power in the world . Though , if the secret stays protected it could crush all that Mitch Jacobs desires . Although Mitch Jacobs never questions his ability to conquer the current forces against him , it is a race to answer the questions : 2nd EditionRevised 8 - 14 - 13 Amazon Best Seller # 35 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Romance > Anthologies Rachel Connors loved her life , and her job as a manager at a ski resort in Aspen Colorado , but after learning she was ill , she decided to take a long needed vacation to her parent 's home . This was when she met Kyle Landers , who in her absence had moved into her parent 's lives , and before he 'd even met Rachel , Kyle had decided not to like her . Kyle had been alone in the world when Rachel 's parents had taken him in ; and he couldn 't understand why their ungrateful daughter had chosen to distance herself from them . Rachel and Kyle grew closer , and she knew she was falling for him . Everything changed when Rachel was scheduled to meet Kyle , but a call from her doctor summoned her back to Aspen , telling her parents there was a problem at work . When Kyle hears of this , he boards a plane to find her , learning the truth of her condition . Their love blossomed but it was to be short lived when on their flight back to the ranch the plane crashed . Despite an extensive search , Kyle was never found , and Rachel was forced to go on without him . Four years had passed , and Rachel 's relationship with Marcus , her new boyfriend , was moving to a different level , but at the same time , the thought dead Kyle had come out of his coma ; his mind lost in the events four years earlier . After Rachel accepted Marcus ' proposal , Kyle returns , leaving Rachel with a dilemma . For four years Marcus had been by her side , but now Kyle was back , wanting her just as much as he had the day of the crash . She needed to get away to make her decision , so she left for Aspen , only Kyle followed her to try to convince her that they belonged together . Who will Rachel Chose ? Is Kyle 's love enough to bring her back to him ? The snow was coming down hard , quickly blanketing the ground as it fell . Rachel Connors sat on her window sill , watching it fall . The tears rolled down her face , as the thought of going back home haunted her . She hadn 't seen her parents in five years , and wasn 't completely positive she was making the right decision in going back now . She needed to be near family now more than ever . Rachel decided to keep her medical problems to herself . There was no sense in making her parents worry about her . She would tell them nothing . The sound of the cab 's horn jarred her out of her thoughts . She wiped the tears away and grabbed her bags . She would be staying with her parents until after the holidays . The doctors didn 't need to see her until the new year . How am I supposed to forget everything and enjoy a vacation at a time like this ? Rachel sat in the back seat of the cab as it headed to the airport . It would be a long plane ride from Colorado to her parents ' ranch in Tennessee , an hour and a half outside of Nashville . It was always beautiful there . They always teased her growing up about being a singer , but she never had any interest in singing . She always wanted to be a talent agent . She wanted to be the one who found the talent , which was exactly what she did . She was very successful at it , until she received a job offer to manage a friend 's ski resort in Aspen . It was a great escape from the harsh realities of the past , and she grew to love her new life . Rachel took a long nap on the plane . She had been under a lot of stress lately . It seemed like only minutes after her head hit the pillow that she heard the flight attendant say they were landing . She looked around and saw that they were coming onto the runway . She rubbed her eyes and stretched her arms before standing up . Kyle Landers waited for her in the terminal , holding up a sign for a woman he had never met . How do I get myself into situations like this ? he thought as he started to pace back and forth . He couldn 't tell Sue and Tom that he wouldn 't go pick up their daughter for them even though he knew he wouldn 't like her . He couldn 't understand how she could stay gone as many years as she did knowing her parent 's missed her . Kyle would do anything for Sue and Tom . They took him in four years ago when he didn 't have anywhere else to go . He had no family and them gave him a job on the ranch . He looked back and forth for Rachel . He had seen many pictures of her over the years . Kyle decided he didn 't want to give some stuck up , too good to come home to her family , uptight woman a ride . He dropped the sign into the trash can and walked out . He would tell Sue and Tom the flight must have been delayed . He felt a little bad lying to them , but he knew that their daughter could use a good lesson on how you treat people . As she entered the terminal , Rachael looked for her ride . Her parents told her a man named Kyle would be picking her up . Not seeing him , she thought he might be outside , or in the luggage area . As she left , she saw a large cardboard sign lying in the trash can with her name on it . Where was he ? Why didn 't he wait ? The plane was right on time . She collected her luggage and walked out of the building , hopeful of catching a cab . Rachel walked up and down on the sidewalk trying to hail someone , with no luck . All the cabs were busy and she wanted to go home . She grabbed her bag and started to walk . Surely somebody would give her a ride within an hour and a half 's distance , she thought . As she looked around for prospects , she saw a young man getting ready to get into his truck . " Excuse me , sir . My name is Rachel Connors . Can you please give me a ride to my family 's ranch ? I 'll pay for the gas and if you can 't take me all the way there , I would be happy with anywhere close . My ride didn 't show up to pick me up and I can 't seem to get a cab . " Kyle shot her a look that let her know he wasn 't in the mood to talk . He couldn 't believe his luck . Of all the people wanting a ride it had to be the one person he wanted to leave at the airport . " Let 's go . I have a lot of work to get done back at the ranch . " She jumped up into his truck not saying a word . Rachel felt a little uncomfortable being with him . Once she buckled in , she looked over at him . " Excuse me , but you haven 't even told me your name . " " Have I done something to offend you ? I don 't even know you , but you seem to dislike me for some reason . " She said , as she played with her hands nervously . " Wait a minute . Are you Kyle Landers ? The same Kyle Landers that works for my father ? Why were you going to leave me here at the airport ? I wasn 't late . " Kyle really didn 't want to get into it with her right then , but it was going to be an hour and half ride back to the ranch . He knew he would have to talk to her at some point in time . " Why don 't we stop to eat ? I haven 't had lunch yet . " They drove for another thirty minutes in silence before turning into the parking lot of a small restaurant . Rachel had eaten at there before and remembered them having good food although she hadn 't been eating much of anything lately . She hoped the trip back home would take her mind off her problems , but not bring up bad memories in the process . They found a table in the back away from everyone . Kyle sat down and picked up a menu without speaking . When the waitress walked by he waved her over to him . " I 'll take a cheeseburger , fries and a coke please . " Rachel saw the waitress look over at her . " I 'll take the same . Thanks . " She looked over at Kyle . " How long have you worked for my father ? " " That 's great . My father really needed help after Bobby . . . . Well , never mind . I 'm glad my father has you . " She took a sip of her soda trying to hold back the tears as she thought about her brother . Kyle looked surprised to hear that Tom had somebody else work for him . He hadn 't ever heard them talk about anyone else . " Who 's Bobby ? I 've never heard the name before . " Rachel looked surprised by the question . " Oh , well . . . Bobby was my brother . You would have liked him . He died six years ago in a car accident . " The food came and they ate in silence . When they were finished , they started back to the ranch . Neither of them spoke . Rachel couldn 't help but wonder why Kyle seemed to dislike her so much . How could he make a judgment so fast without even knowing her ? She sat there staring out the window thinking about when she was younger . She remembered how her and Bobby would go on long walks exploring the entire ranch or taking the horses out across the range . He would run the horse like he was in a race that he had to win . She could remember staying back , watching him go . He feared nothing and embraced life to the fullest . Rachel could feel the tears starting again . She hadn 't been home in so long that she had buried the memories deep down . She always thought about Bobby during the holidays , but more so this year . Bobby would have handled the news from the doctors better than she did . Rachel wiped a tear from her eyes . Kyle glanced over at the saddest person he had ever seen . He was beginning to think maybe he misjudged her . Could she have good reasons for not coming around ? Did it have something to do with Bobby ? He knew that he didn 't know anything about her , but the same time he knew that he wanted to . " Is everything all right ? " he asked . Kyle could tell that she didn 't really want to talk about it and he wasn 't sure that he did either . " It 's not much further , " he said as he wished he could take the words back . Of course she knew it wasn 't much further . She grew up there . He always got flustered when he got nervous . He stared at the road , trying to focus on his driving . Rachel could see her parents ' house coming into view as she got more excited . She couldn 't wait to see her mom and dad . It had been a long time . They had visited her two years ago in Colorado , but she just couldn 't bear to come back home after Bobby died . She 'd stuck around home for about a year after his death and then she had to get out of there . He was not only her brother but also her best friend . She didn 't know how to live without him . She knew that learning how to was one way she could remember him . The truck stopped and Rachel jumped out as fast as she could . She saw her mother standing on the porch with a smile on her face . Rachel ran to her and threw her arms around her . " I missed you , " she said to her mom . They talked for hours , sitting in the living room around the fireplace . Her mother had made hot chocolate and apple spiced cake . Her mother always made the best cakes in the world . At least that was what Rachel always thought . She loved being home again and hated to think about leaving . She decided to go take a nice long , hot bubble bath before going to bed . She needed it after all the stress she had been under lately . She planned to get up bright and early to go riding on the ranch . It had been too long time since she 'd had the chance . " Yes . It 's been a while . I can 't wait . Would you like to go with me ? " she asked , then blushed . The words came out of her mouth without thinking . Rachel went over to one of the stalls and started brushing a midnight black horse . Its coat was shiny and smooth . " This is my horse , buttercup . I haven 't ridden her in a while . I 'll get her ready for me to ride . If you don 't mind ? " " No . Go ahead . I 'll saddle up Ranger for me . " He walked over to the brown horse in the last stall and started getting the horse ready . Ten minutes later , they headed off across the land . Rachel loved the feel of the wind hitting her in the face as she galloped across the fields . Thoughts of her and Bobby racing their horses flooded her mind . She pulled up at a creek to let her horse have some water and a rest . Once dismounted , she looked back to see if Kyle was still there . He was coming up behind her at a slower pace . She walked over and sat down on a big rock and watched her horse drink from the creek . Glancing up at Kyle she said . " It 's okay though . I get paid good money to do what I do . " " Money isn 't everything though . You need family too . " He still wasn 't sure why she moved away , but he was starting to think she had reasons , and maybe he was wrong to misjudge her the way he did . He could tell that she loved her family . Why did she leave ? He wanted to know , but didn 't want to come right out and ask . Rachel sighed . " I know , and I do miss my family . It was really hard on me after Bobby died . I stuck around for about a year afterwards , but then I had to get out of here . Now I don 't know what has been keeping me away . I wish more than ever that I lived here near my parents . " She looked away with a tear in her eye . She didn 't want to cry in front of him , and she didn 't want this complete stranger to know anything about her medical problems . Kyle didn 't know what she meant by that , but he could see a sadness in her eyes . He stood there staring at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen . She was about five foot , five inches tall with long brown hair . She couldn 't be more than a size six . He couldn 't believe that he was looking at her that way . It was only a day ago that he had decided that he didn 't like her . Things were changing for him too . He looked over at her . " I guess you and your brother were close ? " Rachel smiled as the thoughts of Bobby came back to her . " Yes , we were like best friends . We did everything together . It was really hard for me when he died . We had spent the whole day together that day at a baseball game in Nashville . That night Bobby wanted me to go to the store for him and get him some ice cream , but I was tired and said I didn 't want to . He left to go get it himself , and on his way home he was hit by a drunk driver . I can 't help but blame myself . If I had gone to the store , then maybe he would still be here with us . It 's my fault he 's dead . " Rachel couldn 't stop the tears from falling . They were coming down like rainfall . Kyle went over to her and took her into his arms . " It 's not your fault , Rachel . You can 't blame yourself . Is that why you have stayed away so long ? If it is , then I think you need to come home to your family . " Rachel wiped the tears away and walked back to her horse . " You don 't understand . I can 't leave Aspen right now . I have to be there . I wish I could , but I can 't . " She walked over and got up on her horse , riding away without looking back . When she returned to the stables , she removed the saddle and brushed her horse down , thinking about how great it would be if she could move back to the ranch now . But no - she needed to hear from the doctors first . Rachel was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of Kyle walking in with his horse . " How about you let me take you out tomorrow night for dinner to make up for it ? " Kyle had no idea where that came from . He was usually a little on the shy side with women . She looked at him with a little surprise in her eyes . " I would love to go out with you tomorrow night , but I can 't . Mom and Dad are going out of town to the cattle sales , and I promised that I would get some baking done for Thanksgiving for her . You 're welcome to come over and let me cook you something if you would like . We can watch a movie while the cakes are baking . " Rachel couldn 't believe she had made a date with him . She barely knew him , but she couldn 't help but think how great looking he was . He was six foot tall with sandy blond hair and a great complexion . She could tell that he worked long , hard hours out in the sun - he was well muscled and tan . She walked in the house and saw her mom over by the stove cooking . She went over to her and gave her a hug . " Something smells good . " " I 'm cooking dinner for Kyle while you 're gone . He asked me out and I told him I had to do the baking for you , but that I would cook him dinner . He said yes . " She seemed to be talking a mile a minute . Sue hadn 't seen her daughter look that excited about anything in a very long time . " I 'm glad honey , but I would be careful not to lead him on . You 're still leaving at the end of December aren 't you ? " " Yes , Mom . We won 't get serious . It 's just one date . " Rachel tried to make herself believe it more than her mother . She went over to the cabinet to get the dishes down to set the table . Then she went to get her father for dinner . They all sat down at the table together to eat . Rachel made small talk with her dad about the ranch and the horses . " How 's it going around here lately ? " Tom looked over at his daughter . " Well , I could sure use a good manager to run this ranch . Do you know anyone that can run a whole business , like maybe a huge resort , that might be interested in the job ? " Rachel had no idea that her dad wanted her to run the ranch with him . " Dad , I can 't believe you are asking me this . I would love to , but I can 't right now . I have some stuff that I have to take care of back in Aspen . Hopefully I can get that all taken care of in a few months and then I would love to move back here . " Sue 's face could have lit up the whole room . Happy didn 't come close to the way she felt at that very moment . She would do anything to have her daughter back home . " What do you have to take care of ? " Rachel nearly choked on her iced tea . " What ? Oh , I just need to give a notice at work . Help train somebody . That could take a few months . Then pack everything that I own and move it here . It might take me some time to get things in order , but I will work on it as quickly as I can . " After they all finished eating , Rachel went to take a long hot bubble bath . She filled the tub to the top , and then sank down in the steaming hot water . She felt so relaxed for a few minutes . She laid there in the tub , and before she realized what she was doing , her hand reached up and fell on her breast . She couldn 't help but touch it , but when she did the tears came flooding from her eyes . The doctors had found the lump in a routine exam . They told her that it may be nothing but they would have to run some blood tests and CT scans . If that didn 't give them the results that they wanted then she would have to have a biopsy . Rachel laid there in the bathtub crying until her water went cold on her . She didn 't know how long she had been in there but she knew she didn 't want to get out . After what seemed like hours , Rachel got out and dried off . She stood there looking at herself in the mirror for a few minutes . How could somebody as healthy as she had always been be sick now ? It didn 't make sense , and it didn 't seem fair . Was she being punished for something ? That was all that she ever thought to herself . She got dressed and crawled into bed . Maybe thinking about spending time with Kyle would help take her mind off other things . Rachel woke up to the smell of bacon cooking . She had truly missed being with her family . She usually grabbed something quick and easy for breakfast . It had been a while since she had a nice home cooked meal like the one she smelled downstairs . She threw her robe on and headed down the stairs . When she made it to the bottom , she saw Kyle sitting at the table . She turned around and ran back up the stairs as fast as she could . She couldn 't let him see her like that . She had to make herself beautiful . She ran over to the dresser and started combing her hair and putting some make - up on . She grabbed a red t - shirt and some blue jeans . When she finished getting dressed , she walked into the kitchen to find only her mother there . Her father and Kyle had already left to get started on the ranch work . " Yes , you did . Your father and Kyle already went out to the back field to gather the cattle for tonight 's sale . They will be gone for most of the day . I 'm sorry that you missed them , " her mother told her . " It 's no big deal . I was just wondering . " Rachel said as she acted like she wasn 't really interested . " I think I 'll go into town today and do some sightseeing . It 's been a while since I 've been home . " " That sounds like a great idea , dear . " Sue was glad to see her daughter thinking of it more like home . She had wanted her to move back for many years now . Rachel spent the whole day in town going from store to store looking around . She went into the music store and spent hours in there . She remembered going there with Bobby many times . It had a new owner now , but everything looked the same . Rachel picked up a couple of CDs to buy . After she left the music store she went into a small general store . The first thing that grabbed her attention was a pink ribbon pin for sale for one dollar to help promote breast cancer awareness . It seemed like she noticed more things like that now then she ever had . Rachel walked past the pin without picking it up . She didn 't need any reminders telling her that she might have cancer . It was scary enough thinking about it on her own and knowing that she was going through it alone . Rachel couldn 't tell her parents they could lose the only child they had left . She spent the rest of the day in town and then headed back home . She wanted to say goodbye to her parents before they left for their three day trip . They had asked her if she wanted to go with them , but she didn 't want to leave the ranch . It had been too long since she had been back there . Rachel didn 't want to think about leaving . She only had six weeks before she had to go back home for her doctor visit . That 's when she would get the results to the CT scan and blood work . She didn 't understand why the doctors couldn 't get the results before the holidays , but they said the lab was overloaded with work and they were way behind . She didn 't like it , but she understood . She pulled into the driveway and saw the cattle trailer hooked up to the back of her father 's truck . She had made it just in time to say goodbye before they left . Rachel walked in and found her mother in the kitchen making notes . " What are you doing mom ? " " I 'm making you a list of pies , cakes , and breads that I would like you to make for me while I 'm gone . I 'll be delivering them to the church when I get back . They are making baskets for needy families . " Sue told her as she handed her the list . " Wow , Mom . You have enough stuff on this list to feed the whole state . I 'll be busy all night and tomorrow too . " Rachel pretended to be angry , but the whole time she loved every minute of it . She hadn 't done any baking in years . She used to love making things with her mom . It was going to be fun being in the kitchen all weekend . She walked over and gave her mom a hug . " I love you . Have a good trip . " Rachel went back into the kitchen to try to figure out what she wanted to fix for dinner that night . She wanted it to be perfect for Kyle . She put some chicken breasts in the oven to cook . Then she peeled some potatoes to make mashed potatoes . She sliced one of her mom 's fresh loaves of bread and put some butter on the table . Rachel had everything almost finished when she heard Kyle pull in . She ran upstairs to spritz on her favorite perfume before he walked in . After double - checking her hair in the mirror , she hurried downstairs to the kitchen . He approached the caged fairy . The iron bars hissed , burning her as she tried to avoid the hand grabbing at her small form . With a precise movement , the priest holding her slit her throat above the goblet , her blood blending with that of the Priest of Hauk . Gliding on silent feet , Senyan approached the priest behind the body of the cleric of Hauk again . Without hesitation , the man knelt before Senyan and leaned his head back , exposing his neck . The man slit his own throat , giving his life in service to Senyan 's need .

Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 31 , 2012 We did it . CK 's friend and I pulled off a successful surprise ( who from now on will be named Hip ) . Never before had CK been surprised on his birthday , and I was thrilled to be the first ( with a lot of help ) to do it . He had dinner with friends , dancing til close … What more could he want ? Of course you don 't think I forgot the most important part of the night . When CK and I got home , I was his for the taking . He had me for his every wish . After we said goodbye to the crew , we quickly walked home to truly celebrate the occasion . Hip was with us since he lives in Brooklyn . He was crashing on CK 's couch , but that wasn 't going to stop us from having fun . We said goodnight and closed his bedroom door - Time to get down and dirty . I stripped down to my boxer briefs and removed CK 's clothes until he was before me in his briefs . I led CK to the bed by hand and pulled him down on top of me . His warm sweaty body felt amazing against my skin . Immediately , we began kissing each other all over our bodies . I could never quiet get enough of his soft supple lips . They brought me comfort like a cozy couch on a cold rainy day . Alas , my lips said goodbye to his as they made a journey across all the contours of his body . I explored every nook and crevice . Sometimes he would squirm because it tickled , and sometimes he would melt with pleasure . My lips found their way to the mountains retreat of his backside . This was one of my favorite places to linger , and oh did I linger . The squirming continued , but this time , it wasn 't because it tickled . This time , it was pleasure overload . This continued for some time before we changed things up . Ck started his own exploration expedition with his lips on my body . I was laying on my back and his lips were tracing the insides of my thighs until I felt an incredible warming sensation . Every inch of me was in his mouth and he pushed deeper and deeper . Even though Hip was out on the couch , I couldn 't control my vocal expressions of pleasure . CK felt amazing . From there , CK wanted to top , and who was I to deny him that . I immediately turned over onto my stomach , arched my back , and raised my hips into the air . I was never big on bottoming , but since I met CK , I was converted . No longer did I dread the act . With him , I found great pleasure . I was at ease and thrilled to know how much my man was enjoying my body . As he pushed deeper and deeper , I could feel his gently massaging my prostate . Gentle at first , until he began thrusting deep inside me . My moans grew uncontrollably , as did his . He was truly enjoying his birthday present . This was a man I loved deeply , and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy . As his moans grew louder , I felt a warmth expanding deep inside me . There is something incredibly sexy and intimate about this act . Whenever this happened between us , I felt we were truly one . This was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . Sure , I know that 's insane to say after a few short months , but I was hopelessly in love . We adjusted and passed out in each other 's embrace . I felt so incredibly safe in his arms . My dreams were always much more vivid when I slept in CK 's arms . The next morning , we woke up as Hip knocked on the door . CK was quite awake , but I was still groggy and couldn 't fully open my eyes . We chatted about how much fun the night before was . I was slowly waking up , and CK and I couldn 't keep our hands off each other , even with Hip sitting at the foot of the bed . His hands were quite active under the covers . Once he discovered my morning wood , there was no stopping him . " Baby ! You 're so hard ! " he exclaimed into my ear with great excitement . He was like a child with his toy . When he left us to use the restroom , CK decided he wasn 't quite done having fun . He climbed on top of me straddling my legs and began gyrating back and forth . He slid to the side so he could get me wet with his mouth before returning to straddling me . It wasn 't long before he reached his hand back to raise me to a vertical position while he slid me inside him . It felt amazing . He continued to gyrate with me inside him and the comforter draped over his shoulders . I certainly wasn 't going to protest . It was a bit exciting and my slight exhibitionist side was awakened . I did feel slightly awkward with Hip in the bathroom a few feet away , but then a big part of me didn 't care at all . I was very comfortable with Hip . I no longer considered him CK 's friend - He was my friend too . We grew even closer after throwing CK a surprise party . When Hip emerged from the bathroom , even though CK stopped gyrating , he immediately knew what he was witnessing . It wasn 't a full minute before I pulled out and we laid next to each other again . I managed to reach down and find my boxer briefs on the floor to pull on while we all sat on the bed chatting . Eventually , we all emerged from CK 's fortress of solitude . We were finally ready to face the day , even though it was a Saturday , and there wasn 't much day to face . From there we had no plans , and to me , that is a perfect Saturday with my man . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 30 , 2012 After much planning with CK 's friend , Operation Diversion and Surprise was well under way . I successfully threw CK off the scent , even though that meant making him feel like none of his friends love him . I really did feel bad about that . CK truly cherishes the close friends he has . To feel that none of your closest friends care enough about you to spend the evening with you is a bit heartbreaking . As the end of the day was approaching , I was looking good on time . The man I loved was going to get the surprise he deserved . When my day was ending , I contacted CK to tell him I was finishing up . I told him to come up to Chelsea Market in a cab , and I would hop in before riding up to his apartment . As I was finishing up at work , I realized I didn 't get CK a card . I 'd already bought him a birthday present . A week and a half earlier , I bought us tickets to see Once on Broadway for his birthday . We really enjoyed it , however , in the cab on the way home , we got into a big argument . It severely tainted the night . We were having a great night out , but it turned sour very fast . After some raised voices and a little pushing and shoving , I was ready to head home for the night , but better judgment kicked in . I wanted this night to be special . I wanted this to make up for ruining his " birthday " night out with me . I quickly ran across the street to Chelsea Market to find a shop to buy a card . Luckily , I quickly found the perfect card for him . As we got more comfortable with each other , we began breaking wind in each other 's presence . It started off innocently enough , but it quickly escalated in days to the point of no inhibition at all . You can obviously see how appropriate the card was . Just as I was coming back outside , CK pulled up in a cab . I was texting CK 's friend to talk timing , and it was working out well for everyone involved that we were running a few minutes behind . Apparently , all his friends were banking on us running late . They truly know us all too well . This was a big relief . I didn 't know how I would convince CK to hurry up and get ready if just the two of us were going out to dinner . I told him I had a reservation , but I didn 't want to raise suspicion . We got back to his apartment , and got ready . CK wasn 't the only one getting a surprise that night . I was shocked when he got ready in record time . As we walked out the door , he commented , " Baby , we 're doing really well on time ! " I agreed with a big smile and gave him a big kiss . We walked a few blocks , and I still wouldn 't tell him where we were headed . When we got to Q2 , I walked up to the door and opened it for him . He was very pleasantly surprised . " Baby ! You picked this because we ate here when I moved in , didn 't you ! ? You 're so sweet ! " I simply replied , " Yup , " as I motioned for him walk in ahead of me to discover his friends . Only problem was , he didn 't notice them . He began talking to the hostess to get us a table for two . That is , until I tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to the big table of all his friends . I can honestly say , until that moment , I 'd never seen CK so happy . He was purely ecstatic ! Everyone stood and gave him a big hug . " I can 't believe it ! You guys really pulled it off ! No one has ever surprised me before , " he said as he was handed flowers . CK 's friend and I shared a sideways glance that simply showed how proud of ourselves we were . The night was a blast . We all sat and had a lovely meal together . Everyone was happy and smiling and having fun . CK 's friend 's mother even called to sing him happy birthday over the phone . When we finished eating , we all made our way back to CK 's apartment a few blocks away to get ready to go out for the night . After getting changed , we made our way to Therapy and Industry . We stayed out dancing until the lights came on and the bar shut down . CK looked like he was having the time of his life all night long . We snapped a lot of pictures that night , and looking back , everyone was having a great time . I think I successfully made up for the botched birthday present . Not only that , I accomplished one of my life 's goals of throwing someone a surprise present . I couldn 't think of a more worthy man than CK to receive that surprise . We all had a truly exciting night out together . I felt a little guilty for making CK feel so low that afternoon , but in the end , I think we gave CK , the man I love with all my heart , a night he 'll never forget . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 27 , 2012 In this day and age , it 's nearly impossible to surprise someone . Everyone is far too connected through so much social media . It 's even more difficult to surprise someone you love because you spend so much time with them . For the longest time , I 've had two things on my life 's to - do list regarding surprises - To throw a surprise party and to have one thrown for me . Since I 've shared this list with CK , he 's well aware of these two items . So , when he birthday arrived , he would have a heightened sensitivity regarding a surprise party . Over the years , I 've learned to not celebrate my birthday because in the end , if you don 't celebrate it , you can 't be disappointed by the turnout . CK is a bit different . He loves a big party and certainly loves to be the center of attention ; ) . Nothing was going to stop him . I knew from the start if I was going to pull off a surprise for CK 's birthday , I wasn 't able to do it alone . I needed to recruit help . Since one of his friends wasn 't particularly thrilled with me after The Prometheus Debacle of twenty ought twelve , I decided to hit up his other close friend for help . It was the day before his birthday which fell on a Friday . I quickly shot him a message on Facebook and told him my plan to surprise CK the following day . I had one big problem . I was swamped at work . We were in the middle of a pitch , and I knew his friend has much more time on his hands as he was recovering from surgery . I asked him to pick a place , set a time , and invite the friends who were still bitter about the movie tickets , as well as any others I didn 't know about . He was onboard . When he suggested we go to this cute little Thai restaurant in CK 's neighborhood because they also served alcohol , I immediately knew what he was talking about . " That 's perfect ! " I responded . I used to order from Q2 when I worked in that neighborhood , and CK and I ate there the day he moved into his new place . I was thrilled , and it would work out well because it was close . It was never easy getting CK moving and out the door . Proximity was prime . We also decided to create a diversion . I told him to have everyone involved feed a story to CK . The friend I was planning with was going to tell him he would meet him up for a drink later in the night , but he had dinner plans already ( which partially was true ) . The other friends were going to be going out of town to Connecticut until Sunday , but would make it up to him and take him out to dinner Sunday night . I told him I would take care of CK . That night , I made plans with CK for the following day . I was going to be working down in our Chelsea office , which is relatively closer to his office . I asked him if we could grab lunch together since I was in the middle of a pitch , and I wasn 't sure what time I would be done work that evening . He was thrilled , particularly after no one hit him up to make plans for his birthday . In the middle of the afternoon , I called CK to make sure we were still on for lunch . We agreed to meet in Chelsea Market ( probably a huge mistake ) . I figured we could get food there and take it up on the Highline to eat it . I went in one side of Chelsea Market , and he went in the other . Of course , we didn 't find each other in the middle . When I reached the far door without seeing him , I called him . And I called him . And I called him . The phone rang in my hand about one hundred times before he finally picked up the phone . I was getting extremely frustrated since I had limited time to eat with him , and that time was shrinking . But , I took a deep breath and remembered it was his birthday . I needed to keep cool . We both grabbed some crab / lobster sandwiches and made our way outside to the Highline to find seats for our " picnic . " As we walked , he told me about his friends and how they had plans . He was asking them all to come out for the night , but found only disappointment . I apologized and told him I was still unaware what time I would be released from work ( and sadly , that was the truth ) . In reality , we had plans / reservations for 9 : 00 , and I was desperately hoping we would make that time . I could tell he was a little upset no one would be around for his birthday . He was very skeptical and asked if I was up to something and planning something , but I denied it over and over . I told him how one friend would meet us for drinks around 10 : 00 , and how he told me the other friends had to head out of town for the night . One last time , he questioned me , and I replied , " Babe , I tried to do something , but it 's not working out . I 'm not even sure I can spend your birthday with you . What makes you think I can plan something with others ? I 'm really sorry ! Can I take you out for dinner tonight ? A quiet night with just the two of us ? " He agreed , but I could tell he was a little upset . I told him I had the perfect restaurant , but I wanted to surprise him with that since I wasn 't able to surprise him with anything else . He looked like someone shot his puppy , but his demeanor also changed . It was almost as if , " Well , if they don 't want to spend my birthday with me , then f * ck them . " He no longer suspected a thing . We finished our meal , and he walked me back to my office . I gave him a big kiss goodbye and told him I would keep him posted on what time I could get out of work . My diversion worked . I completely threw him off the scent , and we both went back to work . As soon as I got back to my office , I called his friend . " He was suspicious , but I think I broke his spirits a bit , and now he doesn 't suspect a thing . He thinks it will be a quiet night out to dinner for just the two of us . He has no idea what 's coming … " Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 25 , 2012 CK and I were about to hit our two - month mark . It was two of the best months of my life , and I wouldn 't trade them for the world . I learned I could truly find love in a man , and slowly but surely , I started to give more and more of myself to him . The wall I built up around my heart was not only cracking but also crumbling . There were a handful of guys in my past I had come to enjoy the extended company of beyond a hookup , but CK was the first man I ever really came to love . My life was no longer my life . There was no longer a me . It became our life and us . I stopped making plans for one . CK was front and center in my thoughts at all times . We were living together in two homes . We were dining together , drinking together , taking trips together , etc . CK 's move to an apartment with roommates allowed him a new cashflow he hadn 't had before , however , I was trying to prevent us from blowing that on going out to dinner in the New York City . It 's not cheap , and if we were going to build a life together , he needed to start saving . I wasn 't thrilled with spending all that money going out to eat either . It wasn 't that we couldn 't afford it , but we felt it was a bit of a waste . When I was living on my own , I made dinner for myself almost every night . Going out to dinner felt like a luxury and a treat . I wanted to get back to that . We both agreed to live more economically wherever possible . Since CK isn 't the biggest cook , I even started making food and taking it to his apartment so we could have convenient meals prepared . For instance , one night after work , we grabbed some groceries and thawed the frozen spaghetti sauce I made for dinner . We cooked together in the kitchen and ate in front of his TV . It was nice , it was cheap and it was delicious . That meal cost us pennies compared to what we 'd spend going out to an Italian restaurant . We were also taking advantage of Groupons and Living Socials whenever possible so on the nights we didn 't feel like cooking , we could grab a nice dinner out and not pay full price . As a gay man , I 'm not quite as mirror conscious as some , but I am a bit vain in some aspects . I love how I look with a great tan , and I love it even more when my hair has a bit of depth and volume . Sadly , a few years ago , my hairline started receding . There was little I could do to prevent it , so I did what I could to mask it . That meant getting my haircut in a certain style , but it also meant highlighting it so it wasn 't one solid color against my scalp . This is one of my few gay vices . My hair got naturally lighter in the summer , so before the sun worked its magic , I would always try to trek home for some carmel colored highlights . My hair stylist was a magician . He never measured , but he always got my color just right . The one time I was left under the heat too long , everything slid to the back of the cap , bleaching the back of my head . He managed to dye my hair back to it 's natural color . You couldn 't tell anything went wrong . My hair stylist also charges me a measly $ 30 for the highlights and the cut . Granted it 's in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania , but it would cost more over $ 100 to have this done in New York City . Whenever I get my hair cut by someone in the metro area , they ask about the highlights . They compliment them , and I get a big kick out of telling them how much I paid for them - Their jaws hit the floor . It was particularly difficult to get home before the summer sun this year . My sister wasn 't being cooperative about trips home , so I had to plan something on my own . That meant hopping on the motorcycle and making the two - hour trek home ( costing me $ 10 in gas ) . I didn 't want to give up my weekend because that was when I went to the beach with my boyfriend , but it was nearly impossible to get away during the week . On top of this , it had to be planned around nice weather . I couldn 't make the trip home if rain was in the forecast . Summer was passing by , so I decided to take off a half day from work to get it done . After work Wednesday evening , I sped home trying to avoid traffic and made it to my parents ' house just before the sun went down . I found it very sweet that CK was worried about me . He was very concerned with my safety , even after riding with me on the bike many times . I was truly touched . I told him when I was heading home , and I texted him as soon as I got to my parents ' place . I told him it would take roughly two hours , and he was texting me worried after about an hour and a half . It showed me how much he truly cared about me and how much he loved me . " I don 't know what I would do if I lost you babe ! " he said . CK was against the trip from the onset . He didn 't like the idea of me getting highlights , but I told him to have faith . He 'd seen pictures of me in the summer and commented how good I looked . I promised him I wouldn 't come back looking like an a $ $ hole . I think he thought I was getting my tips frosted . It was also nice to catch up with my parents and have a relaxing night in front of the TV with a home - cooked meal . The next morning , I woke at the crack of dawn to hit up the salon . In an hours time , I looked like a new man , and I was back on the road . I had to get back to work by mid - afternoon . That night , CK saw me for the first time in person , after asking me to send pictures to his phone . He commented on how good I looked . " Babe , I was really worried . I thought you were going to look ridiculous , " he added . I gave him a big kiss and reminded him how I knew what I was doing , cheekily . Even if I came back looking ridiculous , I 'm sure he would have played along and told me I looked fine . We were in love , and my hair wasn 't going to change that . On the flip - side , I think the highlights worked a little magic and made me more attractive to him because , after being away from each other for a night , we had some great passionate sex before dozing off . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 24 , 2012 Early in my relationship with CK , I was introduced to two of his friends in line at the movies . They were dating each other , and had been CK 's friends for some time . He had a small ensemble of friends compared to my rather sizable pack , so I knew each of them was precious to him . I was nervous to meet them the first time , and following that night , I didn 't quite feel I 'd made the cut . I 'd seen them twice since then - on the day we took CK 's mother out for mother 's day , but we were in a large group . I couldn 't quite gauge how they felt about me . The other time was to see Battleship , and I had very limited contact with them that night . When CK asked me if I wanted to go see Prometheus with this pair , I politely obliged . Prometheus wasn 't something I felt necessary to go to the theater to see , as I didn 't go to the movies all that often , but it was something CK was excited to see . To say his friend was excited to see it would be an understatement . To him , this was " the movie of the summer . " As you know , I 'm a Groupon / Living Social fiend . When CK asked if I wanted to go , I asked him to tell his friend to hold off on buying our tickets because I had a Fandango gift certificate I purchased through Living Social . It was commonplace for his friend to purchase our tickets as well as his own , and while this gesture is very nice and greatly appreciated , it offered the two of us little advantage . Once , we had to search the theater to find out who had them at " will call . " Another night , we were at dinner and had to ask for our entrees to be packaged up so we could make the movie in time . Had the tickets not been pre - purchased , we could have simply apologized for our lack of planning and told the happy couple to enjoy the movie without us . I attempted to use the gift certificate , but it expired . I wasn 't about to ask his friend to purchase our tickets at this point after already telling him not to . I took care of it myself . All of this transpired over text , and when the purchase was finalized , I told CK I got our tickets . The day of the movie , we arrived at his friends ' apartment slightly behind schedule . It 's rare CK and I can get anywhere on time . I learned early on , as I was told by CK 's friends , " There is normal time , there is Cuban Standard Time and there is [ CK ] Standard Time . " As a result , CK 's friend was already in a less than chipper mood . We quickly flagged down a cab to the theater to try to get there in time to get decent seats . As soon as we entered the theater , I made a beeline to the ticket kiosk . I swiped my card and the machine dispensed two tickets . At this point , CK 's friend spoke up and said , " Wait . You didn 't get our tickets ? ! " I explained to him how I told CK to tell him to hold off on purchasing our tickets , not all the tickets . He was fuming . I told him to see if it was sold out , and indeed it was . I was mortified . I know I did nothing wrong , and it was a miscommunication , however , I felt horrible . I immediately told his friend to take our tickets . We would go see something else . He wanted none of it . He got into a tizzy and said they wouldn 't get good seats at this point anyway because we were so late . I insisted he take out tickets , and he said no and stormed off . At that point , my guilt was lifted . As I said , I did nothing wrong , but for him to respond to me in that way after an honest mistake on all our parts was totally uncalled for . At this point , it was safe to say his opinion of me was no longer in limbo ; it was in the sh * tter . As a result , I was p * ssed ! Why was he holding this against me ? CK was the one who told him to hold off . After speaking to CK , he didn 't expect me to have all four tickets . He was under the same assumption I was about our two tickets . I was already walking on egg shells around this friend , but now I didn 't know how to act around him . We both agreed , from then on out , we would always take care of our own tickets and no one else 's . CK and I found two seats and watched the movie with ample time to get popcorn and soda from good seats . We both enjoyed the movie , but I left with a bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience . I didn 't understand why all the hostility was being directed at me . Yes , I was a part of it , but I certainly wasn 't the entire problem . With that , I let it go . There was no use in me harping on it . It happened , I apologized , and it was time to move on . After the movie , we went back to CK 's apartment . I was still a little stressed and still feeling a little fat , so I asked CK if he minded if I went for a quick run . He was cool with it , so off I went for fifteen minutes . When I returned , we showered and attempted to find a place for dinner . We managed to find a place very close to his apartment . We 'd eyed Taboon every time we passed , so we decided to finally give it a shot . The food was excellent , the service was superb , and the company was impeccable . It was the perfect way to end a weekend . I couldn 't think of a better place to finish my Sunday night than a romantic dinner with my man close to " home . " We shared a great meal and great conversation throughout dinner , and when it was over , we walked back to his apartment . As our lives were blending , I was still finding pitfalls , however , I feel I was navigating them pretty damn well . The movie incident could have gone much smoother , but mistakes happen and life goes on . In the end , it was a movie , but as I would learn later , it was so much more … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 23 , 2012 After our week in the " country " house , as CK liked to call it , it was time to utilize our city abode . It was in no shape , however , to be lived in . Sure , the new bed was delivered , the delivery of which was a bit of contention between us , but the bed was surrounded by towers of boxes . The day the bed was delivered followed a week straight with CK . There were errands I needed to take care of I never got to do when we were together . Because of this , I dropped CK off for the bus and told him I would meet him in the city later . I was trying to be productive with my time , rather than waiting for the bed to be delivered with him . Looking back , we probably should have just done them together , but at the time , I didn 't want to subject him to my boring burdens . We were both eating dinner when I cooked at my place , so there 's no reason I should feel guilty dragging him to the grocery store . Going forward , I learned to shed that guilt quite easily . But on the flip side , this meant I would be going to the grocery store with him on the other side of the river . That seemed like a much better arrangement . I was beginning to resent that I had to do the responsible duties while he had all the fun , but that wasn 't fair to him . He never turned me down when I asked him to help me , but in reality , I never asked him in the first place . I couldn 't resent him if I didn 't give him the chance to delight me . There were lots of not exciting things we would both need to do , like cleaning our apartments , that while not fun at all , they could be completed much faster with both our efforts in tandem . Our lives were blending together , and I loved it . It wasn 't smooth , but I loved it . On the flip side , since we were spending so much time together , I was finding it hard to make the time to work out . My body was paying the price , and as a result , my self - esteem plummeted even lower . I needed to start running again . I needed to get back in the gym and start lifting again . This posed the challenge of a delicate situation . CK proposed that we work out together . I knew I was a far better runner than CK was . That 's not a dig against him at all , but put simply , I ran cross - country in high school and swam in college . In order for me to get results from my workouts , I needed to push myself , and I needed to push myself hard ! I wouldn 't be able to do that if I was holding back to run at CK 's pace . I didn 't want to insult him or his abilities , but I wasn 't sure this was something we 'd be able to integrate . Regardless of this , I decided to make an effort to give it a shot . When I told CK I wanted to go for a run one night , he wanted to join me . We both got ready and walked over to the west bank of the Hudson to run along the trail . As I predicted , we clocked a pace much less effective than I was hoping . I decided I needed to speak up . I was met with the response I had dreaded . He took insult to my comments that I needed to run faster . I didn 't know any way to navigate this without creating a conflict . He took it personally that I was insinuating he was holding me back . As a result , he played the role of the martyr and told me to take off . The result of running at our own pace was what I was hoping for , but the hurt feelings and passive - aggressive response was exactly what I was hoping to avoid . I tried to talk to him about it to make it a discussion so there would be no hurt feelings , but he wanted none of it . He 'd rather I just go , so that 's what I did . While I ran , I thought about how to deal with the fallout of this . It made sense to me that we work out together , but we needed to do it in a way that benefited us both . I was going to resent it if I wasn 't getting the full potential out of the workout , and that benefits no one . That 's when I came up with a solution : When we ran together , we would start out together at a warm - up pace . When I was sufficiently warmed up , I would pick up the pace and run ahead of him . When I felt I was half way through the workout , I would turn around and pick him up on the way back . When I overtook him , I would slow down to a cool down pace . I thought it the perfect solution . It 's also basically what we were doing . When I turned around , I quickly came to find myself right behind him . As we ran , I proposed this new idea , but he still wasn 't having any part of it . I realized I was in a losing battle , and this would have to be addressed later when his ego healed . Working out in the gym was also a whole other battle . When I go to the gym I like to be by myself . I do not treat it as a social excursion . I am there to work out and go home . I don 't even like spotting someone when they ask me for help . I resent it because I am there for my workout , not theirs . I don 't ask anyone else to spot me . I am not a trainer or an employee . Why should I be " working " at the gym ? I know this sounds very antisocial , and that 's exactly what it is . I 'm not the biggest fan of lifting . I see it as a necessary evil . I want to get in and out of there as quickly as possible . When CK asked me to lift with him all the time , I was very hesitant . I loved him , but I was so used to lifting by myself . I knew if we did this together , I would get cranky , and it would start a fight . I was trying to save us from that . I also liked to go to the gym during my lunch break at work , so when he would ask me to hit the gym with him in the morning or the evening , I wouldn 't want to . I would want to use that time for far more fun things . It was going to be a delicate balance , trying to integrate our lives , but eventually we would find equilibrium . Both sides would have to make sacrifices and concessions , but both sides would benefit from each other as well . Needless to say , CK was the first guy I 'd gone to these steps with . It was new territory for me , but it was certainly exciting as well ! CK 's apartment was already occupied by two men . One was a bit crazy and not the easiest person to gauge . He kept his cards close and was a bit of an enigma . The other roommate was an Italian workout fiend . Whenever I saw him , he was coming or going in running gear . I didn 't take too much time to get to know him either because he was only around for another month before moving to a new place . They already had a new roommate lined up to fill the room . I 'd get to know him soon enough . I was trying to tread lightly with them . I know it 's a rocky start with new roommates , and I didn 't want them to have the perception I 'd be the fourth roommate right off the bat . However , we didn 't really have to worry about that much because CK still didn 't have a bed . In the meantime , his roommate moved a futon into his room they were getting rid of . While this was sweet of him , it actually became a hindrance in the room . It was just one more thing to navigate while trying to unpack his boxes . It was not in good shape and obviously not something we could sleep on . After much discussion , CK and I took a trip to Macy 's to purchase a bed that weekend . When he tried to schedule delivery , the earliest they could deliver it was the following Sunday . As a result , CK moved in for a week . Obviously , this could be very detrimental to a fragile not even two - month relationship , but CK and I had faith in each other . We would be spending every waking moment together with the exception of our workdays . That 's a whole of lot me ! He packed up a serious overnight bag , and we made our way to Hoboken . I 'm not gonna lie . There were plenty of challenges here . For instance , it took a lot of diligence to make sure our living space didn 't look like a bomb exploded . We made space in one of my drawers for his clothes , tossed his shoes in my closet with my shoes , etc . With spending so much time together , we were both walking on eggshells to not set the other off . As much as there were downfalls , I walked away from our week together pleasantly surprised how smoothly it went . We had discussions , but we didn 't fight the whole week together . I actually came to enjoy the time we spent together . I felt comfortable and looked forward to coming home to him . It also gave me great faith we could someday live together in bliss . I got so used to sleeping with him every night in my bed that eventually , when he wasn 't there , I had a hard time sleeping . My body knew it was missing something . As far as test runs go , this went swimmingly well ! Not only was I looking forward to the day I no longer needed to share my space with inconsiderate roommates , but also , I was looking forward to sharing a living space with the man I love , CK . Perhaps that living space might also be shared with a new puppy . Regardless , he was home for me . For me , it didn 't matter where we were - When I was with him , I was home . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 19 , 2012 Nothing really puts stress on a relationship quite like a move . One year had gone by for CK in The Big Apple . He moved to the city in a hurry , finding a nice apartment in a convenient neighborhood , but because of the rush , he ended up paying more than one would like living in New York City . There are plenty of things to see and do in the city that never sleeps , so spending all your money on rent is no fun ! He decided when his lease was up , it was time to find new living quarters . This was quite stressful , not only for him , but also for me . Selfishly , he lived two avenues and a few blocks from my office . I could easily walk there , and commuting to his place from mine in Hoboken was a snap . Chances are , it wasn 't going to get any easier . When he told me he started looking on the Lower East Side , I was nonplussed . I knew it was going to be a bit of a hike to get to his place every time I came to see him . The Lower East Side is only convenient to get to from one place - The Lower East Side . But , in the end , this wasn 't my decision . I was there to be supportive while he went through the stress of trying to find a new place . When the search expanded out to include Brooklyn , I nearly had a panic attack . Screw hike - Brooklyn was going to be a day 's journey to get to from Hoboken . I was petrified for our relationship . I wasn 't sure at the time if our relationship could survive the stress on a day - to - day basis . Finally , after his mother flew to NYC to help him pack and find a new apartment , he landed in a sweet spot . I was thrilled with the final outcome . He managed to find a room in an apartment in a managed building in Hell 's Kitchen with two roommates . I had experience in Hell 's Kitchen . Broadway lived in Hell 's Kitchen , and I was able to walk to work from his apartment . It was also very convenient for me because Port Authority wasn 't far from his apartment , so I could use the bus system . It was the quickest way to travel when heading to or from that part of town . I felt very comfortable in HK as well . I 'd taken more than a handful of dates to that neighborhood . The gay population was large enough that no one looked twice at two men holding hands or sharing a kiss . When the time came to move , I wanted to run and hide . I 'd dealt with CK 's attention span before , but nothing of this caliber . I thought it nearly impossible to keep him on task so this move would go as smoothly as possible . Even with the help of his mother , there was still a lot of work to be done . CK isn 't the best planner in the world either . While the idea of booking moving men a few weeks in advance or gathering boxes crossed his mind , the action and follow - through never occurred . I was trying to be patient . He was going through a lot . I was going to help him , not out of obligation , but out of love . He needed me , and I was going to be there for him , however , it was going to take a lot of strength and biting my tongue to get through this . I agreed to help him pack things up Thursday after work . I had limited time , however , because I had a volleyball game that evening . I left work as soon as I could and arrived with flat boxes for him from my mail department . We made a lot of progress , but it certainly wasn 't without a lot of comments . I do have to say , it went a lot better than I expected . It certainly could have been a lot worse . Luckily I had a built - in time limit , and the time came for me to head back to Jersey . We both took the following day off from work . After many failed attempts to get a truck , borrow someone 's car , book movers , we decided to try to rent a Zipcar . This of course wasn 't going to work because there is an application period . Although we were able to walk over to one of their offices in New York City , we had to wait for him to be approved to rent a car . We wasted most of the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what to do and lying around . After growing incredibly frustrated with the poor use of our time , I decided to stop worrying . I tried to keep my frustration to myself . While I was going to be there to offer my support , in the end this wasn 't going to be my problem . If he drug his feet long enough , this was either going to become his huge hassle or it would increase his financial burden . There were rides in the back of a van with boxes and potholes . There were things packed at the bottom of a box only to be torn open again . There were enough dust bunnies to start a farm . The list goes on … Of course , there were copious amounts of arguing . We rarely agreed on anything , but we did both make an effort not to rile the other up . When we finally got all his things in a rented U - Haul van , we had to wait outside in the cold / drizzle until his roommate came downstairs to let us into the elevator bank . His roommate still hadn 't given him the key , so we had yet one more person to rely on to be responsible . After a little blood , a lot of sweat and almost some tears , we managed to get everything into his apartment . Beyond that , we managed to get all of his belongings into his bedroom . The only thing that saved us was the fact that he didn 't have a bed yet . He left his old bed behind in the previous apartment and hadn 't ordered a new one yet . Of course , it would take some time before things got unpacked . The lack of bed also meant we had to head back to Hoboken every night so we had somewhere to sleep . It was a very stressful weekend , but in the end , I wouldn 't trade it for the world . Sure , it could have gone smoother , but in the end , everything worked out . I was happy to help my man , and I know he truly appreciated my help . And the fact that we survived something as stressful as this told me we could survive just about anything . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 18 , 2012 It 'd been a few days since CK and I got tested for STDs at the clinic . We had to wait for our results to come in . I am from the school of thought that believes there 's no use worrying . Worrying won 't change the results . So , from the moment I walked out the door of the clinic , I stopped thinking about it . I 'd set a reminder in my phone to call when my results would be ready . I had a busy day at work , so I had to put off calling until my workday calmed down . I found a private place to make the call and waited for the results with bated breath . I wasn 't particularly worried . Perhaps I should have been more worried . When we left the office , we both put reminders in our phones to call . Why hadn 't I heard from CK ? Did he forget to call ? Did he call and was afraid to share the news with me ? The receptionist picked up the phone asking , " Please hold ? " Apparently , we were going to drag this out as long as possible . When she finally came back to the phone , she asked for my name and what insurance provider I use . After giving her the information , I was put on hold once again . They really know how to up the drama - They should work for TNT . Finally , she gave me my results . I was clean on all counts except one . I came back positive for Herpes Simplex Type I , aka cold sores . I 'd had this since a child and " inherited " it like many Americans from my mother . This was not news to me . I was quite happy . I came back negative on all the heavy hitters - Chlamydia , Syphilis , Herpes Simplex Type II , Gonorrhea , HIV . Since CK and I had unprotected sex ( yes I know how stupid we are ) , I assumed he would have good news to share as well . I texted him to ask him if he called yet . I wasn 't expecting his response . He informed me that he did indeed call and received his results , but he wanted to talk in person . What could he need to talk to me in person about ? ! If I came back negative for all but cold sores , what could he need to discuss with me ? Now , I was scared . After work , we had plans to stay in the city . I left my office and walked to his apartment when he finished work . When he answered the door , he was in his underwear . He was about to hop in the shower just as I arrived . I gave him a big kiss and made myself comfortable while he freshened up . When he came out of the shower , we laid in bed together for a while - He in his towel and me fully dressed from work . I brought up the testing results , but he asked if we could talk about it later . I complied . After laying with each other , we got ready to go to dinner . It was getting to be about that time . We settled on a Greek place , Ethos , not far from his apartment we 'd been to before . The food was good , so I wanted to go back . We held hands while we walked there noticing dogs along the way . CK was still going on about how he wanted me to get a dog . I explained once again how I couldn 't handle one , nor did my lease allow for one . I told him , " When we live together , I will get a dog . " His eyes lit up as a smile spread across his face . We shared a lovely and romantic dinner for two before heading back to his apartment for the night . I was impressed with myself for not bringing up the testing results sooner , but at this point , I had to ask . He was obviously holding something back . As we walked he told me a story about how he contracted oral herpes . In the middle of the story , I cut him off . I told him I was already positive for simplex I , and he had nothing to worry about . He was very confused . He didn 't understand how I was making light of this . He was actually quite miffed I wasn 't forthcoming with that portion of my results . The way I saw it , I would bring it up when I had an outbreak . If he 'd never been exposed to the virus or oral cold sores , we would prevent him from coming in contact with me , i . e . we would stop kissing until it went away . I really didn 't see it as a big deal . Lots of people get cold sores . In fact , 80 % of adult Americans are infected with the virus . I 've been fortunate not to have experienced them very often , but they do happen when I get too much sun or when my lips split in the winter . I could see the relief on his face and in his posture . For the first time all night , he relaxed . It was at that moment we both celebrated our results . We stopped in the middle of the street to hug and exchange a giant kiss . At this point , he couldn 't wait to go home and have sex . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . That night , we had the best sex we 'd had to date . It was incredibly passionate and incredibly raw . We had no worries and no cares . In the end , I finished inside him , and he finished inside me . It felt amazing . I 'd never felt that before . I have to admit , I was a little apprehensive about it at first . I 'd only ever finished inside one other guy before without a condom . I 'd never allowed anyone to ejaculate inside me . It didn 't feel like I thought it would . I imagined a lot more sensation than the actual moment , however , the act made me feel so much more . The emotions tied to the action added so much more to it . I truly felt loved by him , and I truly felt my love for him when I exploded my seed deep within him . I feel the need to say , this is not the deal that works for every couple . CK and I have spoken at length about this topic . We will continue to be tested on a regular basis , regardless of either of us feeling a " need " for it . We have made it part of our routine . We know there are risks any time you have unprotected sex , however , we have come to mutually trust each other and find comfort in that . I am in no way endorsing unprotected sex !

March 31 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO . After breakfast , Bill unloaded the back of the Honda . He wanted to be able to put my walker there instead of in the back seat . We had three big plastic boxes , which Bill transferred to a closet in the basement . Naps were on the schedule after lunch . At 3 : 30 , Michelle took me to an appointment with Dr . Huneycutt . I suspected another UTI . I really like Dr H . He takes plenty of time and listens to my symptoms . He was giving me an Rx for the infection and said it had to be taken at bedtime with food . I don 't usually eat just before I go to bed , but Michelle said I could have a spoonful of yogurt . Dr . Huneycutt said , " Or a Twinkie . " Yup ! He 's my kind of doctor ! March 30 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO It was a nice sunny morning and Bill took advantage of it . He took a " sun bath " for about 20 minutes . I stayed in the MH and did one of my new exercise routines . Everytime I go through the " drill , " I can tell that I am getting stronger . We had just finished lunch when Lindsey came to check me out . I have been having pain in the area of one of my kidneys . And this morning I had pain when urinating . Tomorrow I will go see my primary care doctor to see what is going on now ! It seems as if it is always something going on with me these days . Joey and Hapa came to visit Tippy this morning . When they got here , Bill had on his " monkey suit " and was under the coach doing some maintainance work . The two dogs got very upset . Too many strange things going on . There was barking and snarling going on . . . that was the dogs . . . until Bill called their names and the the wagging tails took over . Dwaine came for the pups just as David arrived for my PT session . I wanted him to meet both dogs , especially Hapa who takes such good care of me . She let David know right away that I belonged to her and he better watch out . She is so possessive of me and she was making sure he knew it . The first thing we did was to walk around the block . It was one of my better days . I didn 't get worn out like I usually do . When we got back home I did my new exercises to make sure I was doing them correctly . Everything was OK . This was the first day I hadn 't taken a nap or at least rested . I spent most of my time working on taxes and balancing the checkbook . It was a chore ! March 29 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO We have some big news to pass along . Meredith is helping some people open a new restaurant in downtown Loveland and Joshua applied for a job there . Well , he was hired . Although I don 't know what position he was hired for . . . busing dishes , host and greeter , or what . But we are all very glad for him and know he will do a very good for them . Today was a relaxing day . Because a cold wind was blowing , I didn 't go for my usual " around the block " walk . I have been doing my exercises and both of my legs seem to be getting stronger . I am able to manage the steps into the motorhome easier . That is my main challenge these days . Meredith , Joey , and Hapa came in the middle of the day and we sat in the sunshine for several hours . The backyard is a great place for the dogs to play and the humans enjoy sitting and watching . It is relaxing . I have been cold most of the day , even when sitting in the sun . The wind had a bite to it . Maybe it will improve tomorrow . I hope so ! I am suffering from a cold or hay fever . I don 't know which . But I do know I am going through Kleenex at an alarming rate . March 28 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO Bill took me to the school where Natalia is going to learn all about skin care . I went this morning for a facial . I have had facials done at beauty schools before , but this one was a new experienxe . It had very up - to - date equipment and Natalia had been trained well to use it . I was very impressed with the facility and the young lady that worked on my skin . That was Natalia , my granddaughter . I may be slightly partial , but honestly , she did a very good job . I was certainly ready for a nap and so was Bill . He had taken the motorhome to get propane and dump the holding tanks . We have been parked facing the house . This time he parked facing the street . Bill and Matthew built safe steps for me use to get in the coach . They did a good job . I feel very safe using the steps they made . March 27 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO This morning Bill and I went to Costco . We were shopping for hearing aids . They had a good selection , but not the kind that transfers the sound from my deaf ear to the aid in my good ear . That is what I hope will work for me . We had to go to the Honda dealer because they left a cover off one of the access holes in the door . It took longer than it should have taken , so I went to the Customer Lounge and had a cookie and hot chocolate . Not a bad way to spend my time waiting for the dealership to get its act together . We spent the afternoon resting . I also did a couple of exercises that David had introduced on Wednesday . They seem to be adding some strength to my legs , so I 'll keep working on them . Bill took the Honda for some repair work . The back doors have been an ongoing problem . Hopefully , those annoyances are taken care of . Bill got home in time to take me to see Dr . Huneycutt . Michelle was with us . She knows a lot that is going on with me that I don 't remember . Before going back home I went to get my hair shampooed and set . Bill was waiting for me . When we got back to the MH it was nap time . There was a story about Hapa that I forgot to include yesterday . She was outside and barking at someone walking past . After she got scolded , she came up on the patio and squeezed her furry body in between the house and the BBQ . She was putting herself in time out . Michelle tried to get a picture of her , but wasn 't able to . After a few minutes , she came out . . . her time was finished . Well , we had snow and rain today . And it was really cold . Bill and I went to RV America . He wanted to see if they had the manual or directions for the new step they installed in November . They didn 't . We needed another folding step stool and were able to get that in their store . As we were leaving , David called to tell us when he would come for my therapy . We returned to the MH , getting there just a few minutes before he arrived . I told him about the chest pains I had yesterday . He thought Lindsey , my home care nurse , should know about it , and he would take care of filling her in . In 15 minutes after he left , my primary care physician called for me to come tomorrow at 11 : 00 . Then Lindsey called and raked me over the coals for not going to the hospital last night . I 'm in big trouble with her ! Actually , the most exciting thing that happened today was that Bill dropped his billfold in the toilet . Oh , my ! That gives new meaning to " laundered money . " After a restful morning , Bill and I went to Kohl 's . I got a pair of Capris . They are peach colored . . . very pretty . I haven 't tried them on , so when I do , if they fit I guess I will go back for a shirt ! We went to Walmart , where we ate lunch before shopping . There were several things on our mental list , but unfortunately , we forgot some of them . Neither one of us is very " trustworthy " when it comes to relying on our brains . There are several times when we have had a list and still don 't get everything . Oh , my ! After resting for awhile , we went to to Dr . Huneycutt 's office . I finished my UTI medicine last week . He checked me and said everything was clear . Yea ! Next , we went to the ENT where the audiologist told us about the different kind of hearing aids available . The doctor isn 't sure if my left ear will benefit from a gizmo but we will try . They may use one what will transfer the sound to the right ear . I will be able to give them a test run . It is probably a good thing we still have over two months to be in the area . After dinner , Michelle and I went to Meredith 's . While she gave Michelle a neck message , I played with the pups . Of course , Hapa claimed me , especially when I handed out treats ! Lindsey , my nurse , came at 11 : 00 . There was another nurse with her . Steve is new in their group and she wanted to show him their routine . We knew he was coming with Lindsey . I don 't know why , but I thought he would be young . I was wrong about that . He had some gray in his hair . I would guess he was in his sixties . He was very pleasant and did all of the things he was suppose to do correctly . No long after they left , David came . The first thing we did was walk around the block . I did much better than yesterday . We worked on lengthening my step . It made it easier . Once we were back at the MH , he worked on strengthing my left leg . It has been giving me some problems . Bill and I had planned to go on some errands this afternoon , but I was too tired . I rested the rest of the afternoon . We 'll see if it helped . Bill and I went to Sam 's Club , just in time for lunch . Michelle told us that Turbo Tax was there and on sale , no less . We don 't have very many more days until the taxes for 2014 have to be filed . I had such good intentions about having all the info gathered and ready to work on by the end of the year . Guess what ? Most of the time between December 1st and the last of the year I was in the hospital . Before the new year arrived , I had a heart attack . And then I had more hospital time after that . I am better now , but still have a long way to go . As a result , I haven 't done much toward getting the tax work done . But today I got Turbo Tax so I am at least getting started . I had hoped to work on the numbers all weekend . It didn 't happen ! This afternoon , two daughters , two grandsons , and three dogs accompanied me on a walk around the block . By the time we set off on this jaunt , I was tired . I was able to complete the trip around the block , but had to stop to rest several times . When we got back , I immediately lay down for a nap . As a result , I didn 't get to watch any of the NASCAR race . But I do know I was not happy about the driver who won . Bill did pass on a good story to me . Because so many of the drivers and crew members are from California , an interviewer ask them how they had spent their free days in California . Jimmy Johnston , one of our favorites , said he ate at In - N - Out as many times as he could . Now we have even more to cheer about . March 21 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO I went for a walk this morning . Meredith , Michelle , and all three dogs were with me . The girls took the pups to a park to get some of the wiggles out of the dogs . They were very calm when they went on the walk with me . The girls knew what needed to be done with the frisky critters . When we got back from our walk , Meredith took her two dogs home and came back to take me to lunch . We went to Dairy Delight , one of our favorite places . Unfortunately , they were still closed for the season . We went to Arby 's , enjoyed our lunch , and took sandwiches to Bill and Matthew . They had stayed home to work on steps for me , to make it easier and safer to get into the MH . Bill was the construction boss and Matthew did most of the hammering and things like that . I napped when we got back home . I was really tired . And remained tired for the rest of the day . March 20 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO Today is the first day of Spring . Years ago we took our four kids to Mexico at Spring Break . We went to see the pyramid called Chichen Itza . The vernal equinox is one the major celebrations in Mexico . . . the first day of Spring . There were probably 150 , 000 of the " locals " there . And then there was us . We had a great time . The steps on the pyramid were built at a carefully calculated angle which makes it look like a snake of sunlight slithers down the stairs on the day of the equinox . It was very interesting . A few years ago , we were there with Dwight and Sheila . We wanted to climb the pyramid and find a geocache in one of the small rooms at the top . We had to wait two days before we were allowed to climb it . We found the cache with no trouble . There were bats in the room and I got in the quano . Yuck . Not a fun experience . But visiting Chichen Itza again was great . When David came for my physical therapy , he suggested we walk around the block . I did a much better job than yesterday . Today was one of my good days . March 19 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO This was another dreary cold day in Colorado . At least it seemed cold to me . Bill didn 't agree ! I had an appointment to get my hair washed and set at 12 : 30 . At about 11 : 45 , Bill ask me what I would like for lunch . I said " McDonald 's . " So away we went . But when we got there they were very busy . Both drive thru lines were backed up , also . We knew there wouldn 't be enough time for me to eat and get to the beauty shop on time . We went to Subway , two businesses down from the hair place . There was a line there , too . But it really was moving fast , so I got a tuna sandwich and went to the beauty shop . I was able to get a few bites eaten before my name was called . While my hair was drying , I finished eating . I felt better today than I have felt in a long time . But after climbing the steps to get into the MH , the weakness in my legs returned . It felt as if I had Jell - O where my bones should be . We decided to go for a walk anyway . but I only went half a block before I knew I should turn around . When we got back to the motorhome , I could hardly make it up the step . My legs were extremely weak . Bill was helping me , but it was a tough climb . We have been trying to figure out why I has weak legs sometimes , but not always . We think I may be dehydrated . The rest of the day I drank lots of water . After dinner , I was able to climb the MH steps much better . March 18 , 2015 - - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , Colorado Today was cold and damp . It felt like winter . With the first day of Spring just two days away , it seems as if things should be warmer . But the rain just might turn into snow . I got quite a bit accomplished today . I filed a bunch of papers this morning . . I also paid some bills . . . VISA , magazine renewals , and called one of the hospitals in Mississippi about an incorrect bill . I also spent some time working with our printer . It has really been cranky for the last few days . I finally got things worked out . I was really hoping that a new printer wasn 't going to be in our future . There are lavender crocuses coming up in the front flower beds . And the tulips have poked their leaves through the ground . A neighbor gave Michelle some iris bulbs last fall , which Bill planted is several places . They are beginning to show leaves . Sounds like Spring , eh ? I had a book on hold at the Library , so Bill took me to check it out . He had an appointment to get the doors on the Honda fixed . The dealer is in Fort Collins , so Bill took me to the hospital before he drove over there . Meredith had an appointment with her heart specialist and it was at the same hospital where my heart doctor is . In fact , we were even in the same exam room . She got a good report . All of her tests were as normal as her heart can be . When Meredith and Michelle were born , Meredith had a defective heart valve . When she was five days old , Bill and I took her to Denver to the University of Colorado Children 's Hospital . Not knowing if she would survive the trip , I held her as close as I could , not knowing if I would ever get to to hold her again . Today , as I set there and listened to her doctor , I marveled at the last 47 years . She is truly a miracle . But all of our children have enriched our lives . We went to lunch at Red Robin . The food was OK , but the service was pathetic . We were there over an hour . Next time , I think we will choose a different place . March 16 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , Colorado Lindsey , the nurse , came this morning . We had lots of things to go over . She is only coming once a week now , so I must be doing better . David came this afternoon . The first thing we did was go for a walk . I started out well , but tired out by the first corner . We went around the block , just like we 've been doing , and he didn 't have to push me the last part like Bill did a couple of days ago . Maybe I 'm getting stronger . March 15 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , Colorado Today was just about a lost day , as far as I was concerned . I didn 't accomplish anything . I had printer problems that I wasn 't able resolve . It was frustrating . I had really hoped to get my desk cleaned off . It is still heaped . As soon as I can " shovel " all that stuff , I have to get our taxes figured . Michelle will be going to California for work related meetings . She usually helps me wade through all the tax stuff , so I need to get that job out of the way . It was another nice day today , but I didn 't have the energy for walk . David comes tomorrow so I will have to shape up . Today was just a lost day ! March 14 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO This was another beautiful day in Colorado . The girls keep telling us that there is usually snow about this time of year . If so , I may never get Grandpa here again . Bill keeps telling them if they don 't improve their language , he 's going to wash their mouths out . . . with chocolate . Michelle and I went to the Habitat thrift store . She was looking for a low bench to set some seedlings on . We didn 't find one , but we 'll keep trying . Meredith and her two dogs came and we went for a walk . Not far from home , I ran out of steam . I turned around and sat on the walker seat . I told Bill that Michelle was going to take pictures , so he started running down the street to beat her back to the motorhome . I was hanging on for dear life ! Well , Michelle has been doing things like swimming laps and losing weight and she could run faster than her dad . You see the results . It was so funny ! Of course , all three dogs joined in the merriment . They didn 't know what the frolic was about , but they weren 't going to be left out . They fit into this family really well . March ( Friday ) 13 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO If things go as badly on Friday , the 13th , I may have to call on my friend , Sheila . She wears " combat boots " and may have to come and get me back in line . She is the best I know at " kicking " things back in line . At 9 : 00 , we got Meredith and went to see Dr . Green , the cardiologist . He went over my lab results and x - rays with us . He said everything looks good , including me ! He took me off of one of the blood thinning meds . I will go back to see him before we leave the area in June . March 12 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO I went to have my hair shampooed and set . When Bill came to fetch me we decided to run some errands . Before we even left Loveland , we stopped at Dollar Tree . Going into the store presented no problems . From there , we drove north to Fort Collins . We were hunting for Sprouts Market . I was able to shop around to most parts of the store with no problem . We made an appointment for the Honda to have some warranty work . It will be done on Tuesday . It is concerning the doors , which have been causing problems for awhile now . When we got back to the motorhome , I had a mishap going up the steps . I bruised my right leg on one of the steps . Bill was trying to keep me from falling on the driveway and my right shoulder took the brunt of his efforts . I heard a crack , but didn 't seem to have any damage other than soreness . at 4 : 30 , Meredith , Michelle , and I took the dogs for a walk . I was using my walker . Hapa stayed right by my side . She is so protective . We went the same route that I had successfully gone on yesterday , with no problem . Not so today ! By the time I got back home , I was barely able to walk . Bill and Joshua helped me into Michelle 's house for dinner . We watched TV tonight before I started to work on my blog . Before I got to my desk , I lost my balance and fell down . I lay there for several minutes before Bill helped me up . I don 't think I have any new hurt places , but the day isn 't over yet . March 11 , 2015 - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO . This morning , Lindsey , the visiting nurse , came to check on me . We are still concerned about the UTI still present , even after a round of antibiotics . When I finish the second round of antibiotics I will have more lab work to see if things have cleared up . David came and we went for a walk . He wanted to see if I was using the walker correctly . I was able to go about three times further than yesterday . And I wasn 't exhausted when we got back to the motorhome . David was able to help me with my fatigue issues and how to combat them . By the way , he has been a Physical Therapist for 15 years . He really knows his stuff . Bill has been working very hard cleaning the coach . It is a tough job , but it is looking so good . After he stopped applying the ZAP , and rested for awhile , we went to the library . My book arrived this morning ! On the way home , we stopped at Sam 's Club for ice cream . I wasn 't able to eat very much , and neither was Bill . We are glad to have a good freezer in our new refrigerator . We brought the remains home for another day . March 10 , 2015 - - Michelle 's house in Loveland , CO . Bill let me sleep late this morning . I got up at 10 : 30 . And I did feel better than I did yesterday . After lunch , we went to the Library . I had requested two books from other area libraries and I thought they had arrived . I was mistaken . Maybe tomorrow . . . To get back to Michelle 's house , we zigzagged through some neighborhoods we had never been in before . We came upon two carvings . Two large trees had been topped , and carved , probably with a chain saw . It was interesting to see how someone had creatively used a stump . March 9 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . This morning when I woke up , I didn 't feel very good . I was having a balance problem . Several times I nearly fell down . I didn 't let Bill get very far away . I have been able to get in and out of the motorhome , but sometimes need help . Yesterday was fine . Today was " iffy . " I remember , all too well , falling out several years ago . It wasn 't my idea of a good time , and I don 't want to do it again . I went to see my dermatologist today . She " froze " several place on my face . Usually , it doesn 't hurt too much , but today that wasn 't so . Maybe because I wasn 't feeling too well to begin with . Not long after we got back home , the nurse came . Lindsey is nice to have around . She laughs a lot . My kind of person . David didn 't come until 2 : 30 . We didn 't have a very long session because I wasn 't feeling all that great . When he comes on Wednesday , we plan to go for a walk with my new walker . I want to be sure I am using it correctly . Sometimes , it kind of runs away with me . I needed to rest after he left . I was down for 1 1 / 2 hours . Joey and Hapa came to visit Tippy . I wanted to bring Joey out to the motorhome , but I slept right through the time . Oh , well , there will be another time . March 8 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . Michelle made cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning . They were so - o - o - o - o good . With happy tummies we went to Ross 's and Target . We both had a few things we needed , but went home empty handed . Meredith and her two pups were at Michelle 's when we got back home . They were waiting for us to go for a walk . That is an important part of my rehab . We drove to Lake Loveland , which has a nice walking trail and plenty of parking . The weather was beautiful , but just a bit cold . I am slow , so when we got on the path we sent Meredith , Joshua , Matthew , Joey , Hapa , and Tippy on ahead . Michelle and I turned around when I got tired , which didn 't take too long . March 7 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . It was another beautiful day in Loveland . The high temperature was in the mid - 40 ° s . Michelle and I went to the new Trader Joe 's in Ft . Collins . That is where Natalia works now , but she had a later shift . The store was very busy , but there were plenty of employees to help . If it is like other Trader Joe 's , it will be a huge success . Later in the morning , she and I took Matthew to the library . As usual , it was very busy . I took my new walker and made out quite nicely . Once I got rather tired , but was able to sit down to rest . On the way home , we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch . At 3 : 00 , after having some time to rest , Bill and I went for a short neighborhood walk . I was able to go for a block before fatigue began to set in . Hopefully , as long as the nice weather lasts , we will get back into a walking routine . Posted by March 6 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . It was cold during the night , but warmed up as the day went on . This is the first " kind of " warm day we have had in quite awhile . The " weather guessers " on TV are predicting more of the same for the next few days . At this rate , the beautiful snow will melt . Sniff , sniff ! David , my PT came at noon . He ran me through the paces . I was really tired by the time he left . He and Bill both say that I am getting stronger each day . I 'll take their word for it . David grew up in Spain , and was a world class dirt bike racer . Today he showed us some pictures of him in his sport . He is planning to start racing in this country this spring . Maybe we will get to see him perform if the weather continues to improve . We watched NASCAR qualifying from Las Vegas . Jeff got the pole . Yippy , Skippy ! This is to be his last full year of racing . He 's retiring ! We will miss his performances each the week , but he does plan to race occasionally . After breakfast and taking care of a few chores around the " old homestead , " we drove to the University of Colorado Medical facility . I was scheduled for a chest x - ray . After that was taken care of , I had lab work done in the same building . It was for two of my new doctors . . . cardiology and gastrology . I wanted to take my new walker in so if there was much walking to do I could use it as a test run . There was quite a bit of walking involved , so I was glad to have the new walker . It really made a difference in my ability to get around . We went to Walmart . I went to pick up Bill 's Rxs . I also needed to buy a new toothbrush . By the time I got there , I was beginning to get tired , so I turned the walker around and sat down . Those few minutes of rest made a lot of difference in my energy level . I still needed a nap when I got home , so I rested on the futon in Michelle 's office . Bill was in charge of dinner tonight . He made meatloaf and baked potatoes . We also had salad . Bill had help in the kitchen . . . three dogs . . . Joey and Hapa were visiting Tippy . At one point , it was just about too much for Grandpa , so I put them in the backyard to play in the snow . Hapa loves to roll in the snow and Joey finds a pile of snow and bites it . Tippy entertains himself in a multitude of ways . He just loves being outside . March 4 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . We had a heavy snow all night long . We can keep track of the falling fluffy stuff in a street light behind Michelle 's house . I think I was awake about every 45 minutes to check on the snow activity . I don 't know how many inches of new snow we got , but it was a beautiful site this morning . The yards and rooftops look like very smooth frosting . The nurse and the PT came right after lunch . By the time I had finished my workout I was too tired to go anywhere . A nap was in order . March 3 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . We had light snow all morning . There was some wind involved , too . For a little bit the sun was shining through . . . and snow just kept falling . Bill and I had some errands . One thing on our list was to get a walker for me . David suggested one with wheels to help me move around and feel secure . He told us about a place that sells used equipment . We found the store . . . a place started about nine years ago . At that time , people donated medical equipment to the owner . I 'm not sure why people gave things to her , but she soon had so many pieces of equipment that her garage and one of the rooms in her house were full . She found a building she could afford to lease . We were amazed at how big the business was and it still on a donation basis . It has been at the new location for five years . Our next stop was Taco Bell for lunch , before going on a few " medical " errands . I still have a UTI and needed to have another speciman tested . We also had paperwork to take to the hearing specialist and the doctor I saw yesterday . After taking two Rxs to Walmart , we returned home for naps . When I got up , a heavy snow was falling . By the time we finished dinner , prepared by Natalia , we had an inch or more of fresh snow on the ground . Posted by March 2 , 2015 - - Michelle 's in Loveland , CO . Lori left this morning at 9 : 00 . Natalia had a meeting in Denver so Lori rode in with her . We really did enjoy the time we got to spend with her , and hated to see her leave . The time went way too fast . We had a lite dusting of snow during the night . When Michelle and her clan moved to Loveland over four years ago , they looked forward to having snow . Their first snow was very light . Matthew called it skinny snow . Well , that describes the snow that fell last night . I had an appointment with a gastroenterologist this afternoon . It was a meeting to get acquainted and explain the problems I had in Mississippi . Hopefully I won 't have to use his services any time soon , but if I do at least he will be familiar with my situation . Tippy loves the snow . He also loves helping shovel the snow . Perhaps " helping " is the wrong word . When the " shoveler " throws the snow up in the air , Tippy ( AKA Max ) tries very hard to catch as much as he can . March really gpt here in a hurry , didn 't it ? So much of December , January , and February were basically a blur to me , and now I am going to have to deal with March ! Gee - whiz ! This morning , the girls and I went to Costco . Our first order of business was to eat lunch . Costco was very , very crowded . After we ate , Lori pushed me around in my little wheelchair while Meredith and Michelle shopped . Every once and awhile , we would lose track of our two shoppers , but we always got back together again . It was really cold in Costco , and going to the car with a few snowflakes falling , didn 't do anything to help the situation . When we got back home , I was still chilled . Lori built a fire in the fireplace , wrapped me in a blanket and fixed me a cup of hot chocolate . I soon began to thaw out . I sat there the rest of the afternoon and watched the three dogs play .

< This story is archived on Crystal 's Story Site , but I 've also asked permission to showcase it here as well , since it 's based on one of the images I have in the Modified Covers gallery . ( This one has a character named Jenny , also . . . hmmm . . . ) - Jenny > This story was inspired by the fine graphic artistry of Jenny North . Her grasp of the conflicts and impossible situations we sometimes find ourselves in , are without a doubt some of the best I have seen , as she brings a refreshing and sometimes funny peek into our secret lives . Jenny North 's site is worth a serious look . Laugh , cry , or snicker all you want , but please , hope you don 't end up on one of her magazine covers . This story was inspired by her cover entitled " After School Transvestite . " " You girls have it made ! All you have to do is look good and wait for some guy to ask you out ! We pay and you get all the benefits without doing anything . " " Listen , you big ape . I work six days a week just to have any money at all . That means that when I go on a date it costs me money - - money I need just to have an allowance ! " " Okay , since you seem to think we have it made , we 'll make you a bet . We have a game this weekend , right ? If we win the game , we 'll pay you $ 300 . But , if we lose the game , then you have to work my job , as a girl , wearing the same uniform I do , for a month , and I still get the money - - tips and all ! " Nobody ever said I was the brightest in the school , and I proved it that day . Our team was the favorite by everyone , including the other team . So far , they haven 't won even one game . This would be a snap , and both of those girls would pay for it . Just as I was about to say something , my buddy Greg walked up , and I told him what the bet was . Like me , he knew we were a shoo in to win . With him standing right next to me , I agreed to the terms of the bet . Carol very carefully said them again , and asked me if that was right , and I said yes . There was no way we were going to lose this game . We 're ranked third , and they are in last place . Greg agreed with me , and we walked away knowing that the girls had made a dumb bet . Of course , our bet was all over the school the next day , spread by the girls no doubt , and I took a lot of teasing about it , but most people thought that I was in no danger . Only the girls were gloating . Even my teachers had heard about it , and one of them even wanted me to extend the bet . If our team won , I would get extra credit , which would put me in the top ten percent of the class , just , but if we lost , she wanted me to come to school as a girl , for the same month I would be working as a waitress . I was so sure of the outcome that I agreed to her bet right in class , which was also all over the school in a hot minute . I stand about 5 ' 7 " in my bare feet , weigh about 140 or so , and I have auburn hair streaked with dark blond and green eyes . I 'm 17 now , and just as cocky as any 17 year old boy . My buddy Greg was a constant companion , and a good friend , but twice he told me that I would makeup as a real foxy chick ! I wanted to slap him . When mom found out what was going on , from my sister of course , I got no sympathy at all . She merely told me that if I lose , she would be the one to help me become a girl , and after all , a month isn 't that long . Dad thought it was hilarious , because like me , he knew we weren 't going to lose the game . Then mom told me that I would be quite pretty as a girl ! " Face it honey , you look more like me than Carol does . We have the same nose , chin , eyes and coloring , while Carol takes after your father a bit more . I think it 's going to be easy to turn you into a girl ! " There it was . The bet , the odds , and the possible outcomes . There was no way I was going to lose , and I was going to enjoy watching those girls fork over a $ 100 apiece . I went to bed confident and sure of myself . When I got to school the next day I found someone had painted my locker pink , and there was a bra hanging from the lock , still in the package . I got a lot of laughs about that , but stuck it in my locker and went to class . The guys on the team assured me they were going to win , which was very reassuring . With two days to go before the game , still sure of myself , and now over confident about the outcome , I guess I was a bit cocky about it , which is when I was confronted by several girls on the cheerleading squad . They told me they wanted in on this bet . If we win the game they said , they would do my homework for the rest of the year . If we lost the game , I would have to become a cheerleader for the rest of the season ! Why did everyone want to see me in a dress I asked myself , just before I agreed . How could I not ? I mean , the game is a lock isn 't it ? I was in the stands , watching as we rolled over them . We were ahead by 6 going into the fourth , and I almost left I was so sure we were going to win . But they intercepted a pass and ran to the 5 . A short lateral pass , a mad dash , and they scored ! The game was now tied , and I had an ugly feeling in my gut . They have the ball , and need only one point to win . The kicker hit it squarely and the ball soared high and right , but drifted back and crossed over the cross bar . We were now down by one , and there were only two minutes on the clock . I was on the edge of my seat as we accepted the ball at the 25 , and our man began to run . He was hit by three guys , the ball squirted free , bouncing into the air , end over end . There was a scramble to catch it , and we tried , but their team ended up with the ball . In two plays they scored again with a field goal and we were down by four with less than two minutes to play . As the clock ticked down we moved the ball to the 40 . A field goal would not win the game , only a touchdown . The snap , a long pass , a rush to catch it , then our man dropped it just as the whistle blew . We had lost the game ! Lost ! I looked around , and saw a lot of the girls pointing at me , laughing as they knew what was coming . So did I . The benches were all metal , so I couldn 't sink into them , but I wanted to . By the time I got home my sister was there , grinning from ear to ear . My mother wasn 't very sympathetic , and told me that in the morning she would help me get ready , then turn me into a girl ! Dad was there at the game with me , and also knew what was about to happen to me , but there wasn 't a darn thing he could do about it . " A man sticks by his word " he always said , and I had made the bet all on my own . By the terms of the bet , I would have to work as a waitress for a month while attending school as a girl at the same time . But there are six more months of sports , and I had also agreed to become a cheerleader for every game from now until then . Mom saw the implications at once , and dropped a bombshell on me when she told me that I would probably have to remain as a girl until the end of the year since it would be to hard for me to keep changing back and forth , and with some games in the afternoon , there would not be enough time for me to change clothes ! I protested , but the best I could get out of her was a " Maybe . We 'll see . " All three of the girls were at our house in the morning . Shelly had brought one of her uniforms for me to try on , but I was with mom in her room , with very strict instructions that everyone was to stay away . I had no idea how to go about this , except maybe to just put the clothes on , but mom asked me if I really wanted to be such a clown while I was a waitress . I could do it that way of course , but I would be the laughing stock of the town if I did . Mom had me strip down , then covered me with a cream she said would removed all of my body hair , and she was right . After I washed my hair and shaved as close as I could , I stepped back into her bedroom wearing nothing but a towel . In her right hand she had a pair of panties . Pink panties . The idea of wearing them made me feel like a pervert , but , she insisted , so I slipped them on . They didn 't hide much by the way . Then she showed me how to put on pantyhose , which much to my delight , gave me shivers as the slick nylon slid over my now smooth skin . Once I had them to my waist , she gave me a pantybrief to wear , then pushed a folded washrag on each side , to give me hips . My still damp hair hung limp as she had me sit at her vanity . Mom didn 't do anything but guide me through the mysteries of makeup . I had to do it all myself , because , she told me , I might as well learn how . First , foundation that matched my skin tone and a powder to make my face smooth and matte looking . Then eyeshadow in soft blue with gray over that , and lilac highlights . The hardest was the eyeliner , but I managed to draw a reasonably straight line on each eyelid , and outline each eye with a black pencil . It was starting to get scary as the face I knew so well became that of a cute girl ! Mom was smiling while I was in shocked silence . Then she began to use her curling iron on my hair . Slowly but surely she made my mop of hair into a style that was not only feminine , but enhanced my face ! That done , she wrapped a bra around me and fastened it in the front , drawing my fleshy chest up and into the cups , which she then padded with some small foam shoulder pads from one of her dresses . Next came the waist nipper that took my pudgy waist and made it a trim 26 inches ! The slip was short and white with lace trimming . The dress she had selected from Carol 's closet was dark green . The sheath dress was at mid thigh on me , maybe higher because I 'm a bit taller than my sister . The vee neck and no sleeves made me look thinner , and there was no doubt that I have a feminine figure . Without warning , mom used a pin to pierce my one ear , then slipped a large gold hoop into each lobe . A thin gold necklace went around my neck , then she handed me the shoes . I stepped into the black heels and let her move me to the mirror . My greatest fear had come true . I looked just like a girl . All traces of the face I knew so well were gone . " They will think that you 're very pretty , and that 's all ! But maybe we should find a name for you when you 're dressed this way . I 'm certain that you won 't want to use your own name . Do you have any suggestions ? " I gave it a minutes thought , then said " Janet " , because I don 't know any girls by that name . Mom merely nodded her head , took my hand , and led me out of the room . With my heels clicking on the hardwood floor I felt as if I were walking the last mile to my death . I was both ashamed , and inwardly happy , that I looked this way . Happy because I didn 't look like a clown , and ashamed because I look so damned good ! We walked into the familyroom together , and drew immediate gasps from the girls , a shocked " oh no " from my father , and a grin from my mother . It was all I could do to stand there quietly and let them stare at me . Shelly , the waitress , stood up and walked over to me . Her eyes looked me over from head to toe and back , then she smiled at me ! " The way you look ? I 'll have more tip money than I ever got ! You look fantastic ! I can hardly wait until Jenny sees you ! She 'll probably not want you on as a cheerleader ! " It was all I could do to stand there like that . Every instinct in my body was telling me to haul ass and change clothes as quickly as possible , but of course , no matter how much he might dislike it , my father would make me stand by my word , so there I stood . Carol wasn 't grinning quite as much now that she has seen me , while both Michelle and Shelly looked at me carefully . The girls wanted me to go with them , to some hamburger joint I guess , but mom said no . My tenure as a girl didn 't officially start until Monday , and " besides " she said , " She needs a few things of her own . " All of the girls understood , but it went right over my head . My parents told the girls to leave , then mom told me what she meant . " We don 't share underwear , Janet . You and I are going shopping and get you a few things you 'll need , like panties of your own , probably two bras , and if we can find it , a padded pantybrief of your own . That way you won 't have to use washrags to have hips . I 'll get you a handbag and we can go . " That was it . No discussion , no questions , nothing . I was going with her and that 's all there was to it ! Mom returned with a small black shoulder bag , handed it to me , and headed for the door , only stopping to make sure I was following her . I didn 't like it , but I did it . That first step outside was terrible , and I quickly got in the car , and saw mom laughing at me ! " Quit worrying so much about this ! You look just delicious , and if someone didn 't know , they never would unless you tell them or give it away . Walk with me , take the same step I do , hold your elbows in and use your hands more . Stand up straight and act like you belong there , and you 'll be fine . This might last a while Janet , so you might as well get used to it . Who knows ? Maybe you 'll end up liking it ! " Mom was way off base there , but I said nothing . At the mall it was all I could do to get myself out of the car , but as soon as we walked inside I started to freeze up , really . Mom gently took my arm , and started walking , and I had no choice but to follow her . She was walking normally , and I had no trouble keeping up with her . Only my pace was wrong . We went into lingerie , and mom picked up a couple of packages of panties and two bra , without asking me if I liked them or not . Because we now had what she said I needed , I expected to leave , but no . She went into the shoe department , pointing out that I would need to have some very comfortable shoes to work in at the restaurant , plus shoes for school and pair of gym shoes for cheerleading . The guy never batted an eye as I tried on the shoes for fit , although I 'm pretty sure he tried to look up my dress once . From there mom took me to one of those makeup shops where they redid my makeup and mom bought what they used . As good as I looked when mom helped me do my makeup , I looked twice as good now . There wasn 't one trace of my beard at all . I also had the feeling that my mother wasn 't done yet , and I was right . She took me into the dress shop where I also bought two dresses and two skirts with blouses to match , and later , at a specialty lingerie shop called Freddie 's , a padded pantybrief and a pair of breastforms ! I was thoroughly embarrassed when mom dragged me into the changing room to try on those breastforms , but she said they were perfect , and I left wearing them . By the time we got home I had lost most of my fear of being in public , but quite not all . Dad wasn 't home when we got there and I assumed that I would be able to change , and I was right , but not into my jeans . Mom wanted me to try on both dresses and skirts . She unzipped me and I went to my room , put the first dress on , and went into shock . I had not realized how low the vee neck front was when we bought it , and the twin mounds of my brand new breasts could clearly be seen swelling against the bra ! I zipped it up , and because mom demanded it , I went back to the familyroom , and there sat dad , my sister , mom , and Shelly ! After we all stared at each other for a moment , I walked and posed for everyone , trying to camp it up a little . " I cleared it with my boss , Janet . I told him you were filling in for me , but I didn 't tell him you 're a guy . You look so good that he wouldn 't have believed me anyway . He gave me these for you to wear . Here 's my schedule . Girl , you look hot ! See you tomorrow in school . " I took the bag and watched her leave , that sinking feeling in my gut again . Mom told me that I might as well stay dressed for the rest of the day , so I did , and that night she set out what I would wear to school the next day . A skirt and blouse with pantyhose , ankle socks and flats . I was told to be up early so she could help me do my hair and makeup . She also tossed me a nightgown , a nylon one . I had a hard night filled with dreams of taunts , but also having some of the guys hitting on me ! Mom helped me get ready , which didn 't take as long this time , since I knew what I had to do , but the skirt was a lot shorter than I realized , and once again I had a lot of leg showing . Mom gave me the same purse , this time it was filled with my wallet , a lipstick , a small bottle of perfume , and some tissue . She also reminded me not to forget it . I drove to school with more than a little apprehension , but I was on my way , and there was no return . Especially after I set one foot in the school . After that it would be what it would be . As I walked in I was a bit surprised that nobody stared at me , and I went to my first class . Nobody even bothered to look at me , until I sat down in my regular chair , which set off a few gasps . Just then the teacher came in and took roll call . When she got to my name , I expected to hear my male name , but she didn 't miss a beat when she asked for Janet . " Here " I said , and she went on as if it was the most normal thing in the world , but it wasn 't ! The fact that she knew what name I was using told me that someone , probably my mother , had called and told her in advance of my appearance . I got a lot of looks , but nobody said a word , because they wouldn 't dare , not in class . On the way to my next class however , it was an entirely different thing . My best friend , Greg , stood there looking at me like I was an alien . I thought he might take my hand for a minute , and so did he , but we both pulled away . It was like that all day . Gaping stares from the guys , but the girls weren 't giggling at me either . The boys always had their eyes wide open when they saw me , but only Greg talked to me . By the time lunch came around I was used to it , and simply sat at a table by myself . I was quickly joined by Shelly and my sister . " No , but we never expected you to look so good , either . What I 'm saying is , you 're very pretty , and I 'm glad that you decided to do this . Not many boys would do it . " There wasn 't anything for me to say to that . Nobody but mom had told me I was pretty , unless you count Greg , and he choked on it . It was easier somehow after that . I went home after school and changed into the uniform Shelly gave me , and drove to the restaurant . The owner , Gladys , wasn 't expecting a boy in a dress , so she gave me a quick run through , assigned me some tables , and I went to work . After just a few hours my legs were killing me , and I 'm glad mom made me buy these shoes , or I would have died I think . I made $ 20 in tips , which I stashed in my purse before I went home at 8 . I undressed , took a shower , then did my homework . I had no trouble sleeping that night . It was like that every day for the next three days . Then it happened . One of the guys , an acquaintance , asked me out ! He actually asked me out to the show for Saturday ! I was so shocked that I didn 't answer him , but ran to my next class . Greg , who sat next to me , asked me if Stan had asked me out . When I looked at him , all he did was smile and shrug his shoulders . " True , but have you looked in the mirror lately ? You look more like a girl than some of the girls do ! You 're even starting to act like one lately , what with the hand waving and all that . For my money , I think you should go , just to piss off Shelly and your sister . Especially Carol , since she 's been after Stan for a long time now . " That was true . And it would be a slap at my sister . The more I thought about it , the more I thought Greg was right . After class I found Stan and told him I would be happy to go with him . He said he would be over at seven . Now all I had to do was break the news to mom . There was no way I would tell dad , zero chance . I 'll let mom tell him . Friday was hectic at the restaurant , and I didn 't get home until almost midnight . In the morning I slipped on a bra , clean panties , then a tee shirt and my jeans before I went to eat breakfast . Mom was there all alone . I had my coffee and was munching on a roll when she asked me what I was going to wear that night . " I had nothing to do with that , mom . I didn 't even know about it until Stan asked me out , and even then I had to think about it before I said yes . Now I 'm thinking I should call it off . " " You can do that of course , but if you do you 'll spend a lot of time at home alone , and seven months is a long time Janet . You have to face it , honey . You 're very pretty , and boys are going to be attracted to you regardless , and some , like Stan will ask you out . Now , if you want to be with me and dad all the time from now until the end of the year , that 's fine , but I was thinking that you and I would go to the salon and get our hair done today . You need your nails attended to , and a better cut will make it easier for you to take care of . How about it ? Are you Janet ? Or are you just a boy in a dress ? " I had never been in a salon before , so I had no idea what to expect , but my mom was her usual efficient self , and I was soon in a chair , getting my hair washed , then styled . The girl cut it short I thought , but after she stuck me under the dryer , another girl came over and did my nails , making them longer with rounded ends , then painting them a soft red color that has some metalflake in it . When the stylist was done I had a curly pageboy that accented my oval face just right , and those longer nails made my hands look slimmer , more feminine . I really liked the way I looked with that haircut , then , all of a sudden , I felt like a girl . On the way out of the salon mom told me that as long as we were out , we might as well take the time to expand my wardrobe a bit more . My first buy was a red and white corselet with matching panties , then two more dresses , a suit , and two more skirts with tops . I also bought heels in taupe and navy . I found myself enjoying the fact that mom and were shopping together , and after a week in skirts , I was aware of the hem length now . I still bought the shorter skirts or dresses , but now I knew what it means . Around three mom and I went home , and I went right past dad without a word , up to my room , and put things away . I did not hear mom telling him I had my hair and nails done , or the ensuing argument . I was ready to go within a few hours . I had a bubble bath , which I found I liked a lot , then a shower and a close shave . I had redone my makeup , and changed into a pleated tan skirt with a brown pullover top that fit well enough that my breasts were well defined . Earrings and a watch , a thin beaded necklace , and my taupe heels . I did my lipstick in red to match my nails polish , then added a spritz of perfume . I had never worn perfume before , but it seemed like the right thing to do . I walked into the familyroom like always , and drew immediate stares from dad . " Dad , this is going to last seven months ! Even you agreed to that , so I had the acrylic nails put on ! They don 't come off ! " " That 's the idea isn 't it ? You told me to honor my word , and I did . Then I found out that this was going to last a lot longer than I thought , so , if I have to dress this way , why can 't I look nice ? I don 't want to spend the next seven months at home ! Is that what you want me to do ? " Dad was in a corner now and he knew it . I had done nothing except honor my word , just like he told me . The problem is that I turned out looking pretty good , then I found myself not minding wearing a skirt at all . In fact , at the salon , when I saw myself for the first time , after my styling , I realized that I wouldn 't mind staying this way . I just wasn 't going to say it out loud . I let the facts say it for me , which is of course , why dad is so angry . There wasn 't anything he could do about it . When he found out I had a date , he actually growled , but bit his tongue when mom told him I shouldn 't have to stay at home the whole time . I had a few hours before Stan would be over to get me , so I simply sat on the couch to watch television . A little later the doorbell rang , and when I opened the door , I saw Jenny standing there ! " We understand , Janet , and that 's why we were thinking that we 'll let you slide on being a cheerleader , but you would have to continue dressing this way , just as if you were a cheerleader , which means it 'll be for the same length of time . Either way , the result is the same . You 'll be in dresses . " In my mind , I knew that arrangement this would work out fine . Gladys had asked me to stay on , even when Shelly returned , which meant that I would be making about $ 200 a week , that I could keep , so I agreed without any further thought . Jenny is one of the best looking girls in the school , which is the reason she is the head cheerleader . Smart and beautiful . That defines Jenny nicely . " You bet ! Your brother never had any trouble getting a date before , so I wondered if it might be a setup of some kind , but I couldn 't figure out what more could happen to me . He knows I 'm not a girl , and that bothered me for a while , but rather than sit home all the time I decided to do it , and accepted . " " It 's not a set up Janet , you 're all he talks about . How pretty you are , your great legs , and he says you have a smile that won 't quit . No , girl , he 's in love . Can 't you see that ? " " Oh no I 'm not . I know my own brother , Janet , and believe me , he may know you 're not a girl , but he has pushed it so far down into that brain of his that he can 't even see it ! All of us kids have seen you every day for over two weeks now , and whether you know it or not , you have started to act like a girl , walk like a girl , and believe me , you look like a girl in every way . Especially with that soft perm and those acrylic nails you have on . And if you try to tell me you don 't like being dressed as a girl , I 'll have to call you a liar . You wouldn 't have let those things be done if you didn 't like being thought of as a girl . " I hate it when somebody can see right through you , and Jenny had done just that . According to her , some , if not a lot of the other kids had figured it out as well . But so far , nobody has said a word to me about it , not even those Neolithic fools every school has . But how had this happened in such a short time ? I mean , before this I was like every guy in school . I was hoping to get into some girls pants , I just never expected to be in them at the time ! Now , Jenny tells me it 's obvious that I like being a girl . I looked at her , trying to find a way to deny what she had told me , but the words would not rise to my lips , which she noticed . When she smiled at me , I had to swallow hard and try not to smile back . That would only confirm what she already knew . " This should be an interesting school year , Janet . Based on the changes we 've seen so far , I 'll bet that within a month , darn few kids will even remember you were once a boy , including you . Just remember this about the boys . They all have one thing on their minds when it comes to girls , and it isn 't friendship . That specifically includes Stan ! " She dropped the subject , then asked me if I wanted to join her and a few of the other girls for a get together on Sunday at 2 . I said I would try to be there , and she went home , leaving me to wonder if it was true . Had I become so much like a girl that I have begun to act like one ? Would I become so much a girl that everyone would forget the real me ? Would I be able to return to the male I am ? Or would I simply remain as a girl ? I went to my room , stood in front of the mirror , and tried to find the answer . My oval face , now framed by the waves set in by the perm , the makeup that made me look so feminine , and my figure , all combined to cast doubt in my mind . I didn 't look like a boy in any way , unless I undressed . Dad still doesn 't like the fact that I look this way , but he has quit harping about it at least , while mom has taken to thinking of me as her daughter . Right now my figure is all foam rubber with a bit of silicone thrown in . What , I wondered to myself , if I could make it seem that it was all me ? Would that make a difference ? Jenny and the squad had actually given me a break by not making me try to do those jumps and baton twirling , but I still had to wear the clothes for the same amount of time , and seven months is a very long time . Maybe she 's right . By then , maybe nobody will remember that I am a boy . I looked in the mirror again , then decided that I might as well try to do my best , and if they all think I 'm a girl , well , I 'll decide what to do then . In the mean time , I decided to check out the Web , and see what was available to help a boy like me look like a girl . What I found astounded me ! I found several fiction sites that had a lot of stories a bout boys just like me ! I downloaded a few , then in another search , I found a site that seemed to carry everything a girl like me would need , from a very special panty to breastforms that would be custom made just for me ! The prices didn 't seem that outlandish , but I didn 't have a credit card , so that meant that I would have to use snail mail and a money order . I downloaded the instructions , folded them and put them in my purse . I made a note to stop at the art store in the morning . Then I read the stories . Some were pure trash , but a few hit me right where I live . In more than one case the main character , like me , had found himself stuck in the role of a female . Several very interesting hints made me take notice , and I highlighted them for later use , then I started to get ready for my very first date . Dad was apoplectic when Stan arrived , but he tried to hide it and was polite . Stan led me out to hiss car , then drove us to the show . I wanted to ask him what the hell was going on , but didn 't . If what Jenny had told me was true , he wouldn 't be able to tell me anyway , so I let it drop . He and I saw the show , then stopped at a burger place for drinks . He was polite all evening , and didn 't do anything more than hold my hand , so I wasn 't ready when he took me home , and before I could get out of the car , I felt him pulling me close , then the gentle touch of his lips on mine ! I broke away and ran in the house . Stan had kissed me , and I let him . I was afraid of what that meant . I went to bed with the taste of him on my lips , a shiver in my spine , and a feeling that it could have gone further if I had not run in the house . In the morning dad merely asked me if I had a good time , while mom asked me if I had any plans , since it was my day off . I told them I was going to Jenny 's at 2 , but I had a few errands before that . I ate , then went to change . Mom insisted that I don 't wear any slacks , so I wore a skirt and blouse with my gym shoes . Then I left for the art store . Finding the right color for my skin was a pain , but with the help of a mirror , I managed , then wrote down the numbers . I had decided not to tell anyone what I was going to do until I saw just how well the items looked . I arrived at Jenny 's about fifteen minutes early , but she let me in , and we went to her bedroom . About ten minutes later two other girls showed up . Rachel is a tall dark haired girl with a wickedly wonderful smile and a very healthy body . Jill is about average in looks and build , but her dad has a lot of money so she always tends to be on the best teams or in the best clubs . " Once in a while we all get together , like a pajama party , or a girls night out . Once we managed to get into that strip club downtown . You interested ? " If they were asking me to join them , that meant that I had been accepted as a girl ! I nodded my head , and they all hugged me . Then we all went to the mall for some therapeutic shopping . By the time I got home I never felt as feminine as I did right then . Just the way the girls treated me , like I was one of them , had made me realize that I didn 't mind being a girl at all . I will admit that the thought of seeing 12 semi naked girls at a pajama party crossed my mind , but I knew in my heart that before I would ever do that , I would have those items , and it wouldn 't make any difference . I would be one of them , a girl . In my room I filled out the form , and after using a measuring tape , wrote down the before measurements , and the hoped for after sizes . In school it was like any other day , except that I didn 't feel like a pervert , and none of the kids were staring at me now . My friend Greg however was staying away , and I didn 't know why , because with his big mouth , it could have easily been him that made the bet instead of me . The teachers all used the name - - Janet - - when they referred to me now , and I had been exempted from gym classes for the obvious reasons . The coach even told me that if he let me use the locker room most of the guys wouldn 't be able to do pushups without hurting themselves ! I had to giggle at that . The class they put me in instead was sewing ! It was the only opening they had , and I was forced to take it for the credit . Mom thought it was funny while dad thought it was stupid . After three classes however , I saw that I could buy clothes that maybe fit well enough , needed to be shorter of taken in a bit , and I could do it ! My time filling in for Shelly was over on Friday night , and I wasn 't scheduled to start working for myself until Monday , so after school I withdrew the money I needed , and sent in my order for the special items . According to the web site it would take about ten days . That night I tried on one of my own uniforms , had mom help me , and made the hem shorter and took it in at the waist . Dad watched me sewing for a bit , then stomped off . I was not his idea of a son any longer , but there wasn 't one darned thing I could do about it , and he knew it . That 's what got him . Mom told me to ignore him , then , after he had left the room , she sat down and asked me how I felt about dressing as a girl . What should I tell her ? I decided to tell her exactly how much , and told her to wait while I went to get something . I went to my room and took the full color pictures I had printed out of my dresser , and the three stories with the highlighted portions , then returned to her sewing room . Without a word I showed them to her , let her read the text , and simply waited . Her eyes went first wide , then narrow , and wide again as she looked up at me . " I ordered this , this , and this mom . They should be here sometime next week . But if the panty doesn 't fit I can send it back , and maybe you can do this for me . " " I see . Well , alright , that answers the question of do you like it , but this says that you can have some sort of sex with this panty ! I don 't want you to find out if it works Janet , understand ? " Neither mom nor I told dad about the items . I went to school on Monday as usual , then went to work . Shelly was a bit surprised to see me there , and asked me about it . I told her what Jenny had said about my status as a cheerleader , and that Gladys had asked me to stay on . She also commented on my uniform fitting so well . I simply told her I altered them myself for a better fit , and she dropped it . She and I talked a bit , but it was clear that her bet wasn 't turning out like she thought it would . I had turned out looking okay , done her job well enough to get one of my own , I could sew and she couldn 't , and Stan had asked me out . Altogether , she knew I had come out on top . On Thursday I went home right after school to see if the items had arrived . They had , so mom and I went to my room so I could put them on . It took both of us almost an hour to get me into them , but it was worth it . I now had two very pert breasts on my chest that looked as if I grew them myself , and the panty , which had a built in vagina and padding to make my hips in proportion . From any angle I was now a female , from the top of my head to the ground ! When I got dressed all of my lingerie fit better , and for the first time I felt the weight of a breast as it pulled on my chest . The bra gave me a modest but definite cleavage , and I felt complete for some reason . Mom watched me as I got dressed , and saw the way the bra fit now . With the low , well padded cups , my boobs were almost straight out ! Mom said that I would need new bras now , and for me to get dressed . Then she and I went shopping . I bought four new bras , only one of them had any padding in it , but with a normal bra , I had an impressive bustline now . My measurements were 36 - 25 - 36 , with a B cup bra . I loved it while mom merely gave me a smile . I also bought a nightgown that was short , semi sheer , and had a robe . I had plans to shock dad that night . After dinner , mom winked at me , so I went to my room and changed into the nightgown . It 's black , so I wore the black thong panties that came with it . Tonight was the night I let dad know just how much I liked being a girl . Looking in the mirror I could just see the twin mounds of my breasts as they strained against the thin material , and smiled to myself . I slipped into the padded slippers and left the room . I walked right past mom and into the familyroom , past dad , who looked up , and almost made it to the couch . " Fasten that robe up and sit down ! You may have to dress as a girl , but why do you have to have those ! You 're even starting to talk like a girl now ! I give up ! " School and work kept me busy , but Stan asked me out again , and I went with him . This time he parked on a shady street , and when he kissed me , I didn 't pull away . It got hot and heavy , but nothing happened , and I knew that I would not return to my manhood when I went to bed that night . My days as a girl blossomed as Jenny and the squad kept their word , and I was included in many of the special outings , including a pajama party . I know what they thought , so I took the black babydoll . When we all changed , I felt seven pair of eyes on me , and turned to face them , naked of course . Without a word I slipped on the babydoll , leaving them to wonder how I did it . Gladys went on vacation , and I was left in charge , so , as hostess , I was able to wear normal clothes , set the schedules and so on . Shelly and I had become good friends by then , and I made sure she got the times she wanted . Dad has finally accepted the obvious , but I had to help him one more time . The panty comes with a small packet that lets me simulate a menstrual period , so I used one without wearing a pad . Dad really freaked out when he saw the blood , but I cleaned up and returned wearing a pad . He never said another word about it after that . Graduation is two months away , but my time from the bet is over next week . I don 't plan on changing back , but then again , I don 't think anyone will care . Stan is taking me to the Prom of course , and I intend to see if the panty will work as advertised . From a wart of a boy to a woman , that bet was the best thing that ever happened to me , and being a waitress ? Well , I meet the nicest people that way .

@ bidush Bibeksheel had the experience of the CA election in Ktm . They should 've been more wise . For Sajha , this could be a learning curve 1 month ago What is it that makes us go crazy about someone ? Love , you have for lots of people and lots of things . Lust , is in itself incomplete . The feeling in your stomach when we 're with that person , the spark in our eyes when we see each other , the music in our ears , the smell in the air , everything feels just right . In our crazy lives , we take a moment to look at each other , reach out and share a kiss . What compels us to do that when we can see each other all the time ? What still makes us want to be together when we 've been together for years ? Is it love alone ? Is love enough to keep two persons together ? How about when you have to stay away from each other ? Is love inversely proportional to distance ? When I think of all these questions , I go back to the first time I told her that I loved her . It was a bland moment , not like in the movies . They say that there 's magic in the air . I never felt it . I only had what I had within me . Was that magic ? I don 't know . Did I think about it before ? Yes , thousands of times . But how about the magic in the air ? I can 't really say if there was anything in the air other than air itself . I felt this voice churning out of my belly . I spoke and kissed her . She looked at me , surprised , nervous , may be even a bit angry at me for coming on to her out of the blue . But I knew she felt it too . She looked at me with her crazy beautiful eyes and said she loved me too . I can 't define what happened between us . We were classmates , then we were friends and then we were a couple . It just happened . And now that we 're away from each other , I don 't feel the forces diminishing . I feel the pull even stronger . I can still see her eyes on that first moment all these years later . I just have to close my eyes and I go back to all the good times we had together . It makes me dream of the times we will have again . It makes me feel like it 's not just love that brought us together . I wouldn 't say magic because I haven 't seen it , but it 's pretty close to that . Like the gravitational waves that Fate This city in autumn is a special place . The air is different . The scorching heat is gone and neither has gloomy winter cast its dark shadow . The wind blowing around the aerodynamically unique flat iron building lifts up the skirts of young women to work , much to the delight of local construction workers . The women in those days were just starting out as working women . The number was more than ever . Telephone operators , typists , secretaries , receptionists , there were all kinds of working women . And their most high profile employers were the bankers . All the doom and gloom of the second great war was over and although the Russians were looking threatening , Wall street was booming . One of the most prominent fish in the sea of riches was The Bank of York . It was a bank founded in 1912 by a young British duke , Henry Ford who came to the US to establish an empire of his own with a new way to reclaim the once colony of his forefathers . However , he fell into the shadows of crime that gripped the land from the Atlantic to the Pacific during post world war era . He was shot in 1951 for refusing to launder illegal money from drugs smugglers while in a business trip to Cuba . His son , Jack was in England at the time studying business at the hallowed halls of Cambridge . As soon as he heard the news he flew to America . The bank was his . He was the sole heir to a hugely successful bank and he was thrown into the responsibility . The transition from the stag parties to the biggest money market in the world was never going to be a seamless one . While Henry was the sophisticated , stern duke who knew how to rule with an iron fist , Jack was a weak administrator , frequently cheated by both his clients and shareholders . The bank was losing out its territory . In just a year the shares plummeted , big investors left , and the big fish of the pond looked doomed . A frustrated and clueless Jack started to frequent the bars and brothels all over the country . His promiscuous behavior made the investors testier . There was one tiny ray of hope though , his name was Chad Bingham . Bingham was an accountant in the Royal Bank of Scotland as a young man when Henry saw his potential and offered him the job of his business advisor and took him to his excursion across the Atlantic . He quickly became Henry 's most trusted employee with his business sense and his decorum . After all it was a time when vanity was considered an important trait , more so in the financial world . Chad was an old man however , and once Jack took over he didn 't see him fit for the vice - president job that he held during Henry 's time . Instead he was made a board member with little responsibility . Jack belonged to a new generation who believed everything was driven by money and yet it was ultimately money he was losing every hour the share market was open . All the shareholders , barring Jack of course made a unanimous decision to make Chad the vice - president again in a desperate attempt to restore the bank to its former glory . Chad , however , was unwilling to dishonor the old master 's son and presented a proposal of appointing a fresh new face for the vice - president job . A man whom he believed could be the answer to all the woes of the falling bank . As the sleek suited board members looked puzzled at the old man 's face , he called another suited man , a much younger one than the board members in that room , barring Jack again . He introduced himself as John Stones . They had heard that name before . John Stones as a young 24 years old one day walked into the California Bank headquarters and asked them if it was true that they were looking for a CEO , and as the story goes , they were so impressed by him in the next few minutes that they gave him the job , and in four years he gave them their bank back , restored to its former glory . And the story goes further that he , like all good guys in the financial world , was spewed after they had taken what he could give . Chad Bingham , the visionary that he was , turned out to have kept a close eye on the progress of John . When the right time came and the board trusted him with the responsibility he thought it was a good time to try him out in New York . John was reluctant at first . ' Never trust the Yankees ' his father drummed it into his mind as he was growing up . ' But these guys were British ' he thought . He was jobless after the California debacle , where he almost killed an 80 years old after he was told he was fired . He knew about The Bank of York , everyone who was in the money market or aspired to be knew about them . So , he also knew that he held the cards as the bank was desperate enough to call a jobless amateur sipping whiskey in the middle of the day sitting at his home alone . He , therefore asked for a top price and once it was agreed with the old man on the telephone he flew to the city of New York . John had a way of doing things . He would hand out pink slips like flyers outside a strip club . Any thing or any one he didn 't like or approved of had to go . ' No point in hanging on to the old if you want the new ' he thought . After 3 months of meetings , business trips , and endless list of fired employees , John wanted a break . While the bank looked to start on an upward trajectory again , he knew the job had just started . The bank of York was in ruins . Jack 's poor decision making had left every sector of the bank in disarray . With a lot in his mind , John went to LA . Los Angeles , the city of Angels , the place where John 's father , Freddy made a fortune and lost a fortune . He was a rancher in Texas before he went to Los Angeles . There he made some friends in the LA mafia . The crime families of the East coast had made their way into the wild west . Freddy Stones knew what kind of life he was heading towards . There was crime , bloodshed and money . Freddy never cared for the first two . Jack Dragna , the bootlegger during the prohibition era became his friend and business partner . Freddy became rich overnight . After John was born , he tried to escape the world of crime . He couldn 't . While he never batted his eye while killing others in front of their kids , Freddy was sobbing like a little girl in front of a nine years old John when he was shot on his forehead . The blood spattered all over little John 's face . John went to the hotel room his assistant had booked for him . He had sold off his home before moving to New York . ' No point in hanging on to the old if you want the new . ' In the evening he went to his favorite bar downtown . He had a couple of drinks and was thinking about going back to his hotel . He thought about striking up a conversation with a girl he thought was pretty . The California Bank debacle had changed him . Before , he would have approached the girl . Now he was more focused in the job at hand . For the Bank of York , John Stones was on a holiday . For John Stones , this was the most important night of his life . Two days before John 's trip to LA , he had a confrontation with Jack Ford . He wanted him to cut off his promiscuous behavior as it was damaging the reputation of the bank . Jack took a sip of his whiskey and smashed the glass on the ground . " You are my employee . This bank belongs to me . Don 't you ever tell me what 's good or what 's bad for the bank " , Jack said pointing his finger at John . " You do not own this bank . This bank is an institution that your father built and you are ruining it . If you want to remain as the president of the bank , learn to act as one . Have some respect for you dead father for God 's sake . Jack clenched his fist . He was drunk but he wasn 't that drunk to let anger take over his judgement . He knew what he had to do in order to get his bank back . " Yes . He will be in his hotel room . You know the address . And you know what to do . Don 't dissapoint me . " , the voice from the other end said . " Yes yes . I know you did a good job last time . Don 't get too cocky though . He is younger , so make sure he is dead . " Jack never had a good relationship with his father . His mother died in an accident when he was eight and his father took him to England to his grand parents . He knew then that he wouldn 't see his father too often . He knew that all he 's going to get from him is his riches after he dies . In the cold lifeless house of Edinburgh , Jack lived with his grand parents . The spoilt kid from New York was too much for the old duke and duchess to handle and they sent him to London when he was only ten . He would get all the money he needed and air tickets to New York in Christmas . He never missed a single flight till he was sixteen . After that , the first time he saw his father was in 1951 . It was also the last time anyone saw Henry Ford . He was in a coffin . After coming back to New York , Jack didn 't use the penthouse apartment his father had left him . He didn 't use the upstate mansion . Jack liked living in small rooms and eating in restaurants . He had lived like that since he was 10 . Jack lived in a hotel room , alone . John Stones in the second month of his tenure as the VP , found a series of missing links in the accounts of the bank . There were payments made to countless accounts in the last two years but one stood out . One was made from the bank 's internal account . It belonged to someone at the bank . At first he thought nothing of it since there were several payments made from such accounts , different accounts of different employees . But once he checked the amount of payment , he thought of it as highly irregular . It was paid to an account in Cuba and it was 20 millions . ' It couldn 't have been a regular payment from anyone at the bank ' , he thought . He then ordered his assistant to check if any other payments were made from the bank to that account . It took her three days but she found one . It was made 22 years ago . And it was made from the same internal account . It belonged to Henry Ford . John went home that night and called his friend Jackie at California Bank . Jackie was a fierce young woman who had success at her feet due to her charm and her incredible intellect . She was hired by John during his time at the California Bank as his assistant . Her brilliant mind and her charisma left everyone in awe as she helped John regain the bank 's status . After John was sent packing , Jackie was reluctant to stay there but letting a beautiful young executive go was never a thing for the old board members . They gave her more money and more power at the bank to persuade her to stay . He asked her if she knew anything about the mysterious bank account in Cuba . She immediately chuckled , " Hahaha , you found something irregular at the Yankee bank ? I 'm surprised you didn 't know about this account . Payments have been made to this account from every bank in the US . " John knew who he was . He had heard of the man since he was a kid . He was the man who had killed his father in front of his eyes . The next day , John called Chad Bingham to his office . He told what he had found out about the bank . Chad said that he will put together a task force to investigate into this matter . " Sir , you told me to put a tab on that account . A $ 50 million sum has just been transferred to the Cuban account . You wouldn 't believe who accessed the account right now . " Bill was a contract killer . He was a hitman who worked freelance , not because he wasn 't good enough to work for a mafia family . In fact , he was one of the best in the business . He never associated himself to any group because he believed that he should be able to kill for whoever paid him to do so . He had worked with the most notorious crime families in the country as well as some of the top corporate kingpins . No one knew his real name . Everyone called him ' Bill ' , or ' The Bill ' since he sent a bill for payment after every job . People believed he was in the US army during the war . People thought he was in his forties . No one knew if it was true . There were only stories about him . He took great care of his M1911 pistol . It was his weapon of choice . May be that 's why the rumor about the army started . The M1911 pistol was one of the best pistols used in the World War - II by the US army . Unlike most common pistols , the M1911 contained 7 rounds of bullets instead of 6 . That feature provided a great advantage during combat . While the ' job ' , as Bill called them , thought you are out of rounds and relaxes , he struck his one lethal last round , almost always on the head . Tonight Bill had a new ' job ' , a young banker staying alone in his hotel room . He knew who was behind this job . He knew that he too was a banker , at the same bank . He cleaned his beloved pistol and opened the envelop . The address of the hotel and the room number was printed on a piece of paper . The name of the ' job ' was not written . A picture of a young man in a suit was there though . He felt no sympathy towards the man . Instead he looked at the wide forehead and smiled . Like he was measuring his target . He combed his silver grey hair and put on a suit of the same color . Bill was now ready , dressed impeccably and completely focussed at what he needed to do . He was already in the city and was ready for the kill . All he needed to do was to go to the hotel and kill the man . He had done it numerous times . It had been years since he started killing people for money . It was business as usual for Bill . He got on a cab and went to the hotel . His ' job ' for tonight was in the fifth floor . He went to the lobby and smiled at the lovely receptionist . She smiled back . He took the elevator and stepped out into the narrow hall on the fifth floor . He gazed through the window at the end of the hall and admired the city lights . He remembered his first job . It was here in the same city that he killed a mafia runaway . ' Blew his brains out ' , he thought , ' maybe that 's why I still love to do that . No sight like the sight of a hole in a man 's forehead . ' He let out some muffled laughter . He approached the door of room 504 and inserted the key . Slowly turning the knob , he pushed open the door . No one . He checked the bathroom . No one . Letting out a frustrated groan , he picked up the telephone receiver and dialled the number of his client . " You think I am that stupid ? I have been doing this for a very long time my friend . I know when a man 's in the room and when he 's not . " " Nice plan young man , you outsmarted me this time . But can you outmuscle me ? You 're just a little banker . I am the killer son , let me do the killing " , he said with a steely smile . Jack Ford knew what he had to do . He looked at the mirror . He knew he was not the man with great conviction , especially with a gun in his hand . He had just received a disturbing call from Los Angeles . He took a sip of whiskey and left his hotel room . He took his car and drove to a beautiful building that housed many rich and famous people in New York . Chad Bingham lived in the fourth floor of the building . He called Chad from the newly installed intercom . Chad , unsure what to expect from the unusual visit from Jack at this time of the night , asked what he was doing here . " I need to talk to you Chad . You are the only person my dad trusted . I need to talk to you about something " , Jack said in an assertive manner . " The Bill . Do you remember him Chad ? My mother , remember her ? It was never an accident Chad . You hired a hitman to kill both my parents . And now that your treachery was about to be revealed , you tried to do the same to John ? Rot in hell Chad " , Jack fired . " I 'm sorry Jack . I got too greedy . I wanted the control of the bank and for that I tried to kill your father . Instead your mother died . It was never my intention to kill her . After that , I had lost my will to kill him again but after he refused to launder a huge sum of drug money , I thought I could take that opportunity . I did but you came and took the bank on a downward spiral . I thought I was too old to try something like that again . So I didn 't try to kill you . Spare me son . " To lose people from your life is painful , but when you lose them in a painless way , you have to ask yourself , was it even worth spending so much time with them . The same amount of time could have been spent with someone who could hang around much longer . Prioritize the people in your life and spend as much time with them as you can . If they too leave you , at least you can live in the comfort that you are not the reason they leave . First day of college . Five months of waiting , doing nothing at home and then a few more weeks of this hell hole called Bagbajaar . Finally , D - day had arrived . ' Should I shave ? May be just a trim ? Oh , hell with it . I 'm not going on a date . ' I thought before I went for a short but exciting ride along the city . ' Well , it 's engineering . If you wanted girls , you should have studied biology ' , I walked into a hall and thought , ' Okay , who should I talk to . That guy at the back . And he has long hair like mine . A conversation starter . ' I sat next to him and talked a little about each other . His name was Anil and he was from Butwal , the place I 'd stayed most of my life , despite being from Kaski . He seemed like the guy you 'd want to be friends with . We were herded around like cattle to different places in the campus . That was our orientation . In that messy , random group , my eyes fell on a girl . I didn 't get a good look at her but I could tell she was pretty . We went around for a while and then told to look around ourselves . Oh , I knew what I wanted to look around for . But I didn 't find her . The next day , a crowd of young and confused people were swarmed around a notice board . I joined in . I saw that I was in the same class as Anil . ' Good , one familiar guy to talk to . ' I went into the class and straight away looked for a long haired dark skinned guy . Lucky for me he was wearing the same shirt as the day before , it was easy to spot him . ' Thank god , he 's sitting at the back . I can 't talk at the front of the class , not on the first day anyway . ' As I sat there waiting for the teacher to come , I saw two girls walk in through the door . One of them was that girl . The same girl from the orientation . Now , I got a better look , and yes , she was indeed pretty . Classes , labs . canteens , everywhere I went I could see her with her friends . No , not everywhere , actually . I had a smoking habit and I used to go by the near by teashop , or " Bhatti " as we called it to light up a cigarette between classes . As days went by , I slowly but surely was getting into her friend zone . I didn 't mind being a friend . I thought that was the first step to something else . Yes , I wanted " something else " . I started talking with her in classes , between classes , on facebook , and sometimes on the phone . I loved it . Oh , and her name was Mamta . Pretty name , don 't you think ? I certainly did . First semester exam was taking its toll . People looked scared , smiled less and worst of all , talked less . People talking less , that was literally like hell for me and her talking less made it worse . So , like every other self - loathing engineering student , I dove into studies . I had no choice . It was one of the exam days , Drawing . I was good at it . She was also okay . ' I guess I don 't really think about how she does in her exams . I think I just like her . May be I am not that serious about her . ' There I was trying to draw faces of some random object like everyone else , and an invigilator walked in . She was in her 50s , a little overweight , and was smiling . She looked harmless , or so I thought . She walked around the class and stopped right next to the girl whose phone rang . I looked up and sure enough , it was her , the girl " I just liked . The old lady took her answer sheet and in one swift motion of her index finger , showed her the door . I felt bad , but I didn 't have the time to feel bad . I got back to my paper , thinking I would console her later . She just stood there for a few minutes . After a while , the lady lost her patience and told her to go in a harsh tone . I looked up again . And then disaster struck . A tiny tear drop rolled down her cheek . I was all the way across the room and I still saw that . Actually , I felt that . Then and there , I decided if she had to leave , I wasn 't going to hang around either . I couldn 't wait to console her till the end of the exam . I was ready to submit my paper , when a generous old teacher walked up to her and told her to give him her phone and continue with the exam . He saw a damsel in distress and came to her rescue . He gave her the answer sheet and she sat back wiping the tears off her face . Everything seemed fine in the room . Everything went back to normal . Not in my head though . Everything in there had changed in those few minutes . My life was never going to be the same again . I fell for her . I fell insanely in love with her . Before , I thought about her a lot . After that incident , however , she was all I could think of . I wanted to be with her more often . I wanted to talk to her even more . I started calling her more frequently . I messaged her on facebook more then ever . I just couldn 't do anything without thinking about her . I even told my mother about her . One day , I was talking to my mother on the phone and I told her about the girl I was in love with . She even told me to never hurt her . I was happy . I was always in my own little world with her . There was one little problem though . I had to tell her how I felt . Everyday in college , I thought about telling her . I talked to her about everything else and when I was about to tell her the most important thing , I chocked . Every time I typed in the words on the chat box I couldn 't hit ' send ' . Every time I called her , I 'd end it before getting there . ' What could go wrong ? She obviously likes me , otherwise she wouldn 't be this close to me . I am one of her few guy friends in college . And I am definitely not bad looking . ' I felt confident . I was riled up , not by anyone else but myself . I was ready . I could do it . I would do it that day . All day in college , I looked for an opportunity to talk to her , alone . No luck . I wasn 't going to back down though . Before she went home , I got to talk to her and told her that I was going to call in the evening . There , I had said it . I thought after saying it , I 'd felt lighter . How wrong I was . It felt a million times heavier . Every second of silence from her was like weeks for me . I felt old , sick and weak . It seemed as if all the tobacco smoke I had inhaled was trying to escape at once . I coughed . She still hadn 't spoken . ' How long has it been ? Is she still there ? ' And she said it . I can 't even say how it felt . I was about to go through all that pain once again , but she broke the silence . I couldn 't say anything . I just hung up . The feeling after that was one of liberation . Not the good kind , where you 're liberated of all the pain and sorrow , but a liberation of all the hope from my heart . Every bit of it flew away as I clutched at the gadget that delivered me the news . I felt like an idiot . It wasn 't like I wasn 't good enough or anything . I was just surplus to requirement . The place was already taken . I was a wheel , desperately trying to make a bike , while never realizing there was already one . I was the third wheel . I had to roll along all by myself . She wasn 't the one . I never felt any bitterness towards her . Some of my friends do and I don 't blame them . They care for me and they sort of blame her for leading me on . I don 't though , she was just trying to fill the gap in her life left by her boyfriend with a friend . I 'm sure she didn 't mean to . I just fell into that gap . You 're probably wondering why I 'd mentioned one particular guy , Anil at the start , aren 't you ? " Why mention someone so much who has nothing to do with the story ? " , you may ask . Think about it . In a short amount of time , him and I became best friends . We were always together . He was there when I saw her for the first time , He was there when I saw her the next day . He was with me when we used to talk in college . He was right there in the same room , when her tears fell straight onto my heart . It turned out , it fell on his too . When I found out about how he felt , I had moved on . In fact , I even wished him good luck once , while I was drunk . Sadly though , like me he fell into the gap and came out with nothing . He 's still friends with her and that never ceases to baffle me . I guess he has a stronger heart than mine . Mine was shattered to pieces and then was never recovered . Did I say that I had moved on ? I lied . I haven 't , not even now . " Stop chasing important things in life to give them a chance to catch you . " Those were the final words of his father before he left his home for Kathmandu . He was chasing his dreams . From the confines of his village he started craving for a life in the city . He desired for money , fame and glory . With a knack for writing and an itch for fame , he boarded an old bus that took him to the bowl of dust , filth and people . He came to his dream city . He was in Kathmandu . As he gazed towards the lifeless blocks of concrete and inhaled the smoke and dust , he knew he was going to succeed . He felt it in his bones . This is where dreams come true , he thought . He waited for his friend , a villager who had promised to give him a roof over his head until he was able to fend for himself . ' Hari dai ' as he knew him came almost an hour late and took him to the inner city . With every passing vehicle , he thought of his dream of writing for a news outlet or a publishing house . He thought of writing articles in magazines , writing novels . He thought of being rich , being famous . Hari dai took him through narrow alleys and showed him The room . One dark , small room with a kitchen , study and a bed all thrown in together . The smell of wet floor and old socks filled his nostrils . It didn 't bother him . He smelled his dream 's humble beginning , The room . He started searching for jobs , talked to strangers , crossed off newspaper vacancies , crossed off his writings and had some of his works crossed off by strangers . Months had gone by . He had stopped writing altogether . He couldn 't face his father , not even on the telephone . The old man 's words cut him like a knife . Even the helpless pleas of a loving father to come back home , felt like insults to the egomaniac in him . He started smoking . Cheap cigarette smoke started filling his lungs and his room . The wet floor , the old socks finally started to bother him . He got agitated with himself , his work , his desperation . The walls seemed to close in on him . The ceiling felt like it was coming down to crush him . He went out . Given up on his dreams , he started seeing the real city , the crushed souls in people 's eyes , the burdens in their gait . He looked into the long lost soul of the once great state and saw nothing but pain and despair . The old city started to tell him its own tales , how its once glorious past was lost under the burden of its people 's hopes and dreams . He looked and thought of his own dreams and his past . How he used to write for himself and how his dreams of writing for others had left him with nothing but pain . Then he thought of his father and what he said . He bought a notebook and a pen . He started writing . He stopped chasing .

@ bidush Bibeksheel had the experience of the CA election in Ktm . They should 've been more wise . For Sajha , this could be a learning curve 1 month ago What is it that makes us go crazy about someone ? Love , you have for lots of people and lots of things . Lust , is in itself incomplete . The feeling in your stomach when we 're with that person , the spark in our eyes when we see each other , the music in our ears , the smell in the air , everything feels just right . In our crazy lives , we take a moment to look at each other , reach out and share a kiss . What compels us to do that when we can see each other all the time ? What still makes us want to be together when we 've been together for years ? Is it love alone ? Is love enough to keep two persons together ? How about when you have to stay away from each other ? Is love inversely proportional to distance ? When I think of all these questions , I go back to the first time I told her that I loved her . It was a bland moment , not like in the movies . They say that there 's magic in the air . I never felt it . I only had what I had within me . Was that magic ? I don 't know . Did I think about it before ? Yes , thousands of times . But how about the magic in the air ? I can 't really say if there was anything in the air other than air itself . I felt this voice churning out of my belly . I spoke and kissed her . She looked at me , surprised , nervous , may be even a bit angry at me for coming on to her out of the blue . But I knew she felt it too . She looked at me with her crazy beautiful eyes and said she loved me too . I can 't define what happened between us . We were classmates , then we were friends and then we were a couple . It just happened . And now that we 're away from each other , I don 't feel the forces diminishing . I feel the pull even stronger . I can still see her eyes on that first moment all these years later . I just have to close my eyes and I go back to all the good times we had together . It makes me dream of the times we will have again . It makes me feel like it 's not just love that brought us together . I wouldn 't say magic because I haven 't seen it , but it 's pretty close to that . Like the gravitational waves that Fate This city in autumn is a special place . The air is different . The scorching heat is gone and neither has gloomy winter cast its dark shadow . The wind blowing around the aerodynamically unique flat iron building lifts up the skirts of young women to work , much to the delight of local construction workers . The women in those days were just starting out as working women . The number was more than ever . Telephone operators , typists , secretaries , receptionists , there were all kinds of working women . And their most high profile employers were the bankers . All the doom and gloom of the second great war was over and although the Russians were looking threatening , Wall street was booming . One of the most prominent fish in the sea of riches was The Bank of York . It was a bank founded in 1912 by a young British duke , Henry Ford who came to the US to establish an empire of his own with a new way to reclaim the once colony of his forefathers . However , he fell into the shadows of crime that gripped the land from the Atlantic to the Pacific during post world war era . He was shot in 1951 for refusing to launder illegal money from drugs smugglers while in a business trip to Cuba . His son , Jack was in England at the time studying business at the hallowed halls of Cambridge . As soon as he heard the news he flew to America . The bank was his . He was the sole heir to a hugely successful bank and he was thrown into the responsibility . The transition from the stag parties to the biggest money market in the world was never going to be a seamless one . While Henry was the sophisticated , stern duke who knew how to rule with an iron fist , Jack was a weak administrator , frequently cheated by both his clients and shareholders . The bank was losing out its territory . In just a year the shares plummeted , big investors left , and the big fish of the pond looked doomed . A frustrated and clueless Jack started to frequent the bars and brothels all over the country . His promiscuous behavior made the investors testier . There was one tiny ray of hope though , his name was Chad Bingham . Bingham was an accountant in the Royal Bank of Scotland as a young man when Henry saw his potential and offered him the job of his business advisor and took him to his excursion across the Atlantic . He quickly became Henry 's most trusted employee with his business sense and his decorum . After all it was a time when vanity was considered an important trait , more so in the financial world . Chad was an old man however , and once Jack took over he didn 't see him fit for the vice - president job that he held during Henry 's time . Instead he was made a board member with little responsibility . Jack belonged to a new generation who believed everything was driven by money and yet it was ultimately money he was losing every hour the share market was open . All the shareholders , barring Jack of course made a unanimous decision to make Chad the vice - president again in a desperate attempt to restore the bank to its former glory . Chad , however , was unwilling to dishonor the old master 's son and presented a proposal of appointing a fresh new face for the vice - president job . A man whom he believed could be the answer to all the woes of the falling bank . As the sleek suited board members looked puzzled at the old man 's face , he called another suited man , a much younger one than the board members in that room , barring Jack again . He introduced himself as John Stones . They had heard that name before . John Stones as a young 24 years old one day walked into the California Bank headquarters and asked them if it was true that they were looking for a CEO , and as the story goes , they were so impressed by him in the next few minutes that they gave him the job , and in four years he gave them their bank back , restored to its former glory . And the story goes further that he , like all good guys in the financial world , was spewed after they had taken what he could give . Chad Bingham , the visionary that he was , turned out to have kept a close eye on the progress of John . When the right time came and the board trusted him with the responsibility he thought it was a good time to try him out in New York . John was reluctant at first . ' Never trust the Yankees ' his father drummed it into his mind as he was growing up . ' But these guys were British ' he thought . He was jobless after the California debacle , where he almost killed an 80 years old after he was told he was fired . He knew about The Bank of York , everyone who was in the money market or aspired to be knew about them . So , he also knew that he held the cards as the bank was desperate enough to call a jobless amateur sipping whiskey in the middle of the day sitting at his home alone . He , therefore asked for a top price and once it was agreed with the old man on the telephone he flew to the city of New York . John had a way of doing things . He would hand out pink slips like flyers outside a strip club . Any thing or any one he didn 't like or approved of had to go . ' No point in hanging on to the old if you want the new ' he thought . After 3 months of meetings , business trips , and endless list of fired employees , John wanted a break . While the bank looked to start on an upward trajectory again , he knew the job had just started . The bank of York was in ruins . Jack 's poor decision making had left every sector of the bank in disarray . With a lot in his mind , John went to LA . Los Angeles , the city of Angels , the place where John 's father , Freddy made a fortune and lost a fortune . He was a rancher in Texas before he went to Los Angeles . There he made some friends in the LA mafia . The crime families of the East coast had made their way into the wild west . Freddy Stones knew what kind of life he was heading towards . There was crime , bloodshed and money . Freddy never cared for the first two . Jack Dragna , the bootlegger during the prohibition era became his friend and business partner . Freddy became rich overnight . After John was born , he tried to escape the world of crime . He couldn 't . While he never batted his eye while killing others in front of their kids , Freddy was sobbing like a little girl in front of a nine years old John when he was shot on his forehead . The blood spattered all over little John 's face . John went to the hotel room his assistant had booked for him . He had sold off his home before moving to New York . ' No point in hanging on to the old if you want the new . ' In the evening he went to his favorite bar downtown . He had a couple of drinks and was thinking about going back to his hotel . He thought about striking up a conversation with a girl he thought was pretty . The California Bank debacle had changed him . Before , he would have approached the girl . Now he was more focused in the job at hand . For the Bank of York , John Stones was on a holiday . For John Stones , this was the most important night of his life . Two days before John 's trip to LA , he had a confrontation with Jack Ford . He wanted him to cut off his promiscuous behavior as it was damaging the reputation of the bank . Jack took a sip of his whiskey and smashed the glass on the ground . " You are my employee . This bank belongs to me . Don 't you ever tell me what 's good or what 's bad for the bank " , Jack said pointing his finger at John . " You do not own this bank . This bank is an institution that your father built and you are ruining it . If you want to remain as the president of the bank , learn to act as one . Have some respect for you dead father for God 's sake . Jack clenched his fist . He was drunk but he wasn 't that drunk to let anger take over his judgement . He knew what he had to do in order to get his bank back . " Yes . He will be in his hotel room . You know the address . And you know what to do . Don 't dissapoint me . " , the voice from the other end said . " Yes yes . I know you did a good job last time . Don 't get too cocky though . He is younger , so make sure he is dead . " Jack never had a good relationship with his father . His mother died in an accident when he was eight and his father took him to England to his grand parents . He knew then that he wouldn 't see his father too often . He knew that all he 's going to get from him is his riches after he dies . In the cold lifeless house of Edinburgh , Jack lived with his grand parents . The spoilt kid from New York was too much for the old duke and duchess to handle and they sent him to London when he was only ten . He would get all the money he needed and air tickets to New York in Christmas . He never missed a single flight till he was sixteen . After that , the first time he saw his father was in 1951 . It was also the last time anyone saw Henry Ford . He was in a coffin . After coming back to New York , Jack didn 't use the penthouse apartment his father had left him . He didn 't use the upstate mansion . Jack liked living in small rooms and eating in restaurants . He had lived like that since he was 10 . Jack lived in a hotel room , alone . John Stones in the second month of his tenure as the VP , found a series of missing links in the accounts of the bank . There were payments made to countless accounts in the last two years but one stood out . One was made from the bank 's internal account . It belonged to someone at the bank . At first he thought nothing of it since there were several payments made from such accounts , different accounts of different employees . But once he checked the amount of payment , he thought of it as highly irregular . It was paid to an account in Cuba and it was 20 millions . ' It couldn 't have been a regular payment from anyone at the bank ' , he thought . He then ordered his assistant to check if any other payments were made from the bank to that account . It took her three days but she found one . It was made 22 years ago . And it was made from the same internal account . It belonged to Henry Ford . John went home that night and called his friend Jackie at California Bank . Jackie was a fierce young woman who had success at her feet due to her charm and her incredible intellect . She was hired by John during his time at the California Bank as his assistant . Her brilliant mind and her charisma left everyone in awe as she helped John regain the bank 's status . After John was sent packing , Jackie was reluctant to stay there but letting a beautiful young executive go was never a thing for the old board members . They gave her more money and more power at the bank to persuade her to stay . He asked her if she knew anything about the mysterious bank account in Cuba . She immediately chuckled , " Hahaha , you found something irregular at the Yankee bank ? I 'm surprised you didn 't know about this account . Payments have been made to this account from every bank in the US . " John knew who he was . He had heard of the man since he was a kid . He was the man who had killed his father in front of his eyes . The next day , John called Chad Bingham to his office . He told what he had found out about the bank . Chad said that he will put together a task force to investigate into this matter . " Sir , you told me to put a tab on that account . A $ 50 million sum has just been transferred to the Cuban account . You wouldn 't believe who accessed the account right now . " Bill was a contract killer . He was a hitman who worked freelance , not because he wasn 't good enough to work for a mafia family . In fact , he was one of the best in the business . He never associated himself to any group because he believed that he should be able to kill for whoever paid him to do so . He had worked with the most notorious crime families in the country as well as some of the top corporate kingpins . No one knew his real name . Everyone called him ' Bill ' , or ' The Bill ' since he sent a bill for payment after every job . People believed he was in the US army during the war . People thought he was in his forties . No one knew if it was true . There were only stories about him . He took great care of his M1911 pistol . It was his weapon of choice . May be that 's why the rumor about the army started . The M1911 pistol was one of the best pistols used in the World War - II by the US army . Unlike most common pistols , the M1911 contained 7 rounds of bullets instead of 6 . That feature provided a great advantage during combat . While the ' job ' , as Bill called them , thought you are out of rounds and relaxes , he struck his one lethal last round , almost always on the head . Tonight Bill had a new ' job ' , a young banker staying alone in his hotel room . He knew who was behind this job . He knew that he too was a banker , at the same bank . He cleaned his beloved pistol and opened the envelop . The address of the hotel and the room number was printed on a piece of paper . The name of the ' job ' was not written . A picture of a young man in a suit was there though . He felt no sympathy towards the man . Instead he looked at the wide forehead and smiled . Like he was measuring his target . He combed his silver grey hair and put on a suit of the same color . Bill was now ready , dressed impeccably and completely focussed at what he needed to do . He was already in the city and was ready for the kill . All he needed to do was to go to the hotel and kill the man . He had done it numerous times . It had been years since he started killing people for money . It was business as usual for Bill . He got on a cab and went to the hotel . His ' job ' for tonight was in the fifth floor . He went to the lobby and smiled at the lovely receptionist . She smiled back . He took the elevator and stepped out into the narrow hall on the fifth floor . He gazed through the window at the end of the hall and admired the city lights . He remembered his first job . It was here in the same city that he killed a mafia runaway . ' Blew his brains out ' , he thought , ' maybe that 's why I still love to do that . No sight like the sight of a hole in a man 's forehead . ' He let out some muffled laughter . He approached the door of room 504 and inserted the key . Slowly turning the knob , he pushed open the door . No one . He checked the bathroom . No one . Letting out a frustrated groan , he picked up the telephone receiver and dialled the number of his client . " You think I am that stupid ? I have been doing this for a very long time my friend . I know when a man 's in the room and when he 's not . " " Nice plan young man , you outsmarted me this time . But can you outmuscle me ? You 're just a little banker . I am the killer son , let me do the killing " , he said with a steely smile . Jack Ford knew what he had to do . He looked at the mirror . He knew he was not the man with great conviction , especially with a gun in his hand . He had just received a disturbing call from Los Angeles . He took a sip of whiskey and left his hotel room . He took his car and drove to a beautiful building that housed many rich and famous people in New York . Chad Bingham lived in the fourth floor of the building . He called Chad from the newly installed intercom . Chad , unsure what to expect from the unusual visit from Jack at this time of the night , asked what he was doing here . " I need to talk to you Chad . You are the only person my dad trusted . I need to talk to you about something " , Jack said in an assertive manner . " The Bill . Do you remember him Chad ? My mother , remember her ? It was never an accident Chad . You hired a hitman to kill both my parents . And now that your treachery was about to be revealed , you tried to do the same to John ? Rot in hell Chad " , Jack fired . " I 'm sorry Jack . I got too greedy . I wanted the control of the bank and for that I tried to kill your father . Instead your mother died . It was never my intention to kill her . After that , I had lost my will to kill him again but after he refused to launder a huge sum of drug money , I thought I could take that opportunity . I did but you came and took the bank on a downward spiral . I thought I was too old to try something like that again . So I didn 't try to kill you . Spare me son . " To lose people from your life is painful , but when you lose them in a painless way , you have to ask yourself , was it even worth spending so much time with them . The same amount of time could have been spent with someone who could hang around much longer . Prioritize the people in your life and spend as much time with them as you can . If they too leave you , at least you can live in the comfort that you are not the reason they leave . First day of college . Five months of waiting , doing nothing at home and then a few more weeks of this hell hole called Bagbajaar . Finally , D - day had arrived . ' Should I shave ? May be just a trim ? Oh , hell with it . I 'm not going on a date . ' I thought before I went for a short but exciting ride along the city . ' Well , it 's engineering . If you wanted girls , you should have studied biology ' , I walked into a hall and thought , ' Okay , who should I talk to . That guy at the back . And he has long hair like mine . A conversation starter . ' I sat next to him and talked a little about each other . His name was Anil and he was from Butwal , the place I 'd stayed most of my life , despite being from Kaski . He seemed like the guy you 'd want to be friends with . We were herded around like cattle to different places in the campus . That was our orientation . In that messy , random group , my eyes fell on a girl . I didn 't get a good look at her but I could tell she was pretty . We went around for a while and then told to look around ourselves . Oh , I knew what I wanted to look around for . But I didn 't find her . The next day , a crowd of young and confused people were swarmed around a notice board . I joined in . I saw that I was in the same class as Anil . ' Good , one familiar guy to talk to . ' I went into the class and straight away looked for a long haired dark skinned guy . Lucky for me he was wearing the same shirt as the day before , it was easy to spot him . ' Thank god , he 's sitting at the back . I can 't talk at the front of the class , not on the first day anyway . ' As I sat there waiting for the teacher to come , I saw two girls walk in through the door . One of them was that girl . The same girl from the orientation . Now , I got a better look , and yes , she was indeed pretty . Classes , labs . canteens , everywhere I went I could see her with her friends . No , not everywhere , actually . I had a smoking habit and I used to go by the near by teashop , or " Bhatti " as we called it to light up a cigarette between classes . As days went by , I slowly but surely was getting into her friend zone . I didn 't mind being a friend . I thought that was the first step to something else . Yes , I wanted " something else " . I started talking with her in classes , between classes , on facebook , and sometimes on the phone . I loved it . Oh , and her name was Mamta . Pretty name , don 't you think ? I certainly did . First semester exam was taking its toll . People looked scared , smiled less and worst of all , talked less . People talking less , that was literally like hell for me and her talking less made it worse . So , like every other self - loathing engineering student , I dove into studies . I had no choice . It was one of the exam days , Drawing . I was good at it . She was also okay . ' I guess I don 't really think about how she does in her exams . I think I just like her . May be I am not that serious about her . ' There I was trying to draw faces of some random object like everyone else , and an invigilator walked in . She was in her 50s , a little overweight , and was smiling . She looked harmless , or so I thought . She walked around the class and stopped right next to the girl whose phone rang . I looked up and sure enough , it was her , the girl " I just liked . The old lady took her answer sheet and in one swift motion of her index finger , showed her the door . I felt bad , but I didn 't have the time to feel bad . I got back to my paper , thinking I would console her later . She just stood there for a few minutes . After a while , the lady lost her patience and told her to go in a harsh tone . I looked up again . And then disaster struck . A tiny tear drop rolled down her cheek . I was all the way across the room and I still saw that . Actually , I felt that . Then and there , I decided if she had to leave , I wasn 't going to hang around either . I couldn 't wait to console her till the end of the exam . I was ready to submit my paper , when a generous old teacher walked up to her and told her to give him her phone and continue with the exam . He saw a damsel in distress and came to her rescue . He gave her the answer sheet and she sat back wiping the tears off her face . Everything seemed fine in the room . Everything went back to normal . Not in my head though . Everything in there had changed in those few minutes . My life was never going to be the same again . I fell for her . I fell insanely in love with her . Before , I thought about her a lot . After that incident , however , she was all I could think of . I wanted to be with her more often . I wanted to talk to her even more . I started calling her more frequently . I messaged her on facebook more then ever . I just couldn 't do anything without thinking about her . I even told my mother about her . One day , I was talking to my mother on the phone and I told her about the girl I was in love with . She even told me to never hurt her . I was happy . I was always in my own little world with her . There was one little problem though . I had to tell her how I felt . Everyday in college , I thought about telling her . I talked to her about everything else and when I was about to tell her the most important thing , I chocked . Every time I typed in the words on the chat box I couldn 't hit ' send ' . Every time I called her , I 'd end it before getting there . ' What could go wrong ? She obviously likes me , otherwise she wouldn 't be this close to me . I am one of her few guy friends in college . And I am definitely not bad looking . ' I felt confident . I was riled up , not by anyone else but myself . I was ready . I could do it . I would do it that day . All day in college , I looked for an opportunity to talk to her , alone . No luck . I wasn 't going to back down though . Before she went home , I got to talk to her and told her that I was going to call in the evening . There , I had said it . I thought after saying it , I 'd felt lighter . How wrong I was . It felt a million times heavier . Every second of silence from her was like weeks for me . I felt old , sick and weak . It seemed as if all the tobacco smoke I had inhaled was trying to escape at once . I coughed . She still hadn 't spoken . ' How long has it been ? Is she still there ? ' And she said it . I can 't even say how it felt . I was about to go through all that pain once again , but she broke the silence . I couldn 't say anything . I just hung up . The feeling after that was one of liberation . Not the good kind , where you 're liberated of all the pain and sorrow , but a liberation of all the hope from my heart . Every bit of it flew away as I clutched at the gadget that delivered me the news . I felt like an idiot . It wasn 't like I wasn 't good enough or anything . I was just surplus to requirement . The place was already taken . I was a wheel , desperately trying to make a bike , while never realizing there was already one . I was the third wheel . I had to roll along all by myself . She wasn 't the one . I never felt any bitterness towards her . Some of my friends do and I don 't blame them . They care for me and they sort of blame her for leading me on . I don 't though , she was just trying to fill the gap in her life left by her boyfriend with a friend . I 'm sure she didn 't mean to . I just fell into that gap . You 're probably wondering why I 'd mentioned one particular guy , Anil at the start , aren 't you ? " Why mention someone so much who has nothing to do with the story ? " , you may ask . Think about it . In a short amount of time , him and I became best friends . We were always together . He was there when I saw her for the first time , He was there when I saw her the next day . He was with me when we used to talk in college . He was right there in the same room , when her tears fell straight onto my heart . It turned out , it fell on his too . When I found out about how he felt , I had moved on . In fact , I even wished him good luck once , while I was drunk . Sadly though , like me he fell into the gap and came out with nothing . He 's still friends with her and that never ceases to baffle me . I guess he has a stronger heart than mine . Mine was shattered to pieces and then was never recovered . Did I say that I had moved on ? I lied . I haven 't , not even now . " Stop chasing important things in life to give them a chance to catch you . " Those were the final words of his father before he left his home for Kathmandu . He was chasing his dreams . From the confines of his village he started craving for a life in the city . He desired for money , fame and glory . With a knack for writing and an itch for fame , he boarded an old bus that took him to the bowl of dust , filth and people . He came to his dream city . He was in Kathmandu . As he gazed towards the lifeless blocks of concrete and inhaled the smoke and dust , he knew he was going to succeed . He felt it in his bones . This is where dreams come true , he thought . He waited for his friend , a villager who had promised to give him a roof over his head until he was able to fend for himself . ' Hari dai ' as he knew him came almost an hour late and took him to the inner city . With every passing vehicle , he thought of his dream of writing for a news outlet or a publishing house . He thought of writing articles in magazines , writing novels . He thought of being rich , being famous . Hari dai took him through narrow alleys and showed him The room . One dark , small room with a kitchen , study and a bed all thrown in together . The smell of wet floor and old socks filled his nostrils . It didn 't bother him . He smelled his dream 's humble beginning , The room . He started searching for jobs , talked to strangers , crossed off newspaper vacancies , crossed off his writings and had some of his works crossed off by strangers . Months had gone by . He had stopped writing altogether . He couldn 't face his father , not even on the telephone . The old man 's words cut him like a knife . Even the helpless pleas of a loving father to come back home , felt like insults to the egomaniac in him . He started smoking . Cheap cigarette smoke started filling his lungs and his room . The wet floor , the old socks finally started to bother him . He got agitated with himself , his work , his desperation . The walls seemed to close in on him . The ceiling felt like it was coming down to crush him . He went out . Given up on his dreams , he started seeing the real city , the crushed souls in people 's eyes , the burdens in their gait . He looked into the long lost soul of the once great state and saw nothing but pain and despair . The old city started to tell him its own tales , how its once glorious past was lost under the burden of its people 's hopes and dreams . He looked and thought of his own dreams and his past . How he used to write for himself and how his dreams of writing for others had left him with nothing but pain . Then he thought of his father and what he said . He bought a notebook and a pen . He started writing . He stopped chasing .

Hello everyone ! I have recently been participating in Cloveismywife 's ' 200th Hunger Games - Battle at the Reaping ' and it inspired me to create my own fan - fictional Hunger Games ! They will be very similar to Cloveismywife 's Games and the rules will be very similar too . However , I will only write the Reapings and the Private Training sessions / Training Scores and then I will go straight to the Games . I will write in detail , so the write - ups may only come once a day . This will give you time to give advice to your tributes and send them the supplies that they need . 1 . You may enter up to three tributes . However , you may not be guaranteed the spot just because you post your tribute first . I want unique , interseting , well - thought out tributes that will make an impact towards the Games . You must list three districts that your tribute could be from , and if there are better tributes in those districts , your tribute will not be accepted . Appearance : ( You can make your own Lunaii , or I will make one for you . If you make your own Lunaii , I will use that Lunaii in the tribute gallery . If you don 't submit a Lunaii , I will make one for you and add it to the tribute gallery . YOU MUST include their hair colour , hair length / style , eye colour and skin colour . You can add other details about their appearance if you wish to do so ) . 3 . I will give everyone 24 hours to send their tribute / s advice and supplies . I may occasionally wait a little bit longer , but 24 hours should be enough time for everyone to write their advice and send their supplies . If not all mentors have sent their tributes advice and / or supplies , I will do the update without waiting for them to post their advice . I woke up a little nervous , because today was reaping day and I was going to volunteer . I hated the way people treated me , and the popular kids at school always pointed at me and laughed at me . I wanted to break away from all the horrible things that hurt me inside , so I decided that the only way I could do it was by volunteering as tribute for the 173rd Hunger Games . Some people think that volunteering as tribute means you are signing your own death warrant , but in the career districts , we see it as an honour to represent our district in the Hunger Games . I am not going to tell my mother that I am volunteering , but I will miss her when I 'm in the arena . She is my best friend and I want the best for her , so I 'm going to make sure I win these games for her . I took the long route to the centre because I wanted to embrace District 1 for one last time . The beauty of the meadows and fields reminded me how much I would miss this place and how much I was sacrificing . I must 've gazed at the fields for too long and lost track of time , so I started jogging towards the centre . Just after I arrived and had my blood taken , Elena Plumpt , District 1 's escort , came on to the stage and there was a small round of applause for her . She was known for being the escort for many previous victors , so our district had a decent amount of respect for her . She gave a speech about how the Hunger Games were revived and how they have developed over the years , but I wasn 't really listening to her because I could see some boys from my school looking at me and laughing . I couldn 't wait to see their faces when I come back as a victor . As usual , Elena pulled out a girl 's name from the bowl and read it aloud . ' ' Katy Belle ' ' said Elena . A small , weak looking girl walked up to the stage . I guessed that she was about 12 . I was waiting for someone to volunteer for her , but no one did . Wow , a 12 year old was representing a career district in this year 's Hunger Games . That doesn 't happen very often . I was hoping she would die early in the arena so that I didn 't have to kill my district partner later on in the games . Then , Elena picked out a name from the boy 's bowl . ' ' Cammon Royal ' ' said Elena . He was the boy that always picked on me and is the most popular boy in school , and I was going to save his life . ' ' I volunteer ! ' ' I yelled . I walked up to the stage and walked past Cammon , who mouthed the words ' thank you ' to me . Wow , did he really just thank me ? I guess he is a nice guy deep down inside . Elena asked me for my name , and I replied ' ' Diamond Unshatterable ' ' . I heard a few boos from the crowd , and it made me feel a little sad . I don 't know why District 1 hates me , but if I came back as a victor , they 'd have to love me . I walked over to Katy and shook hands with her . She had a hard grip and I immediately released my hand and began rubbing it . My hand had a small red mark on it , and Katy snarled at me . We walked on to the train and as soon as the train left the station , Katy looked at me and said ' ' I 'm going to win these Games , and don 't you try and stMckenna Ecelintic - District 2 My mother woke me up and brought me breakfast in bed . I knew it must be reaping day , because my mother never brings me breakfast in bed . After I finished my breakfast , I got up and got dressed . I put on my best dress that I had and prepared myself for what was to come . I knew I was going to volunteer today . I had to make my father proud . He was a previous victor from a Hunger Games nearly 2 decades ago and a few years after he won the Games , my mother gave birth to me . My father taught me everything he knew and we trained nearly every day . I learned how to use a bow and arrow and at the age of 7 I could shoot moving targets with my bow and arrows . We enjoyed life in the victors village but when I turned 14 , my father died . We were forced out of the victors village and ever since then my life has never been the same . I had to learn how to train myself because I refused to go to a career training camp . I decided that I had to make my father proud , so today would be the day that my life changed forever . I was going to volunteer . I left the house and walked towards District 2 's centre . I didn 't tell my mother I was volunteering , because I knew she would try and stop me . I just wanted to go into the Games and show everyone what I am made of . I don 't need distractions , I just need to win . As I arrived at the centre , I heard a bunch of cheers coming from the crowd . Leila Doons , District 2 's escort , strutted on to the stage and waved at everyone . She had orange hair this year , last year it was pink . She looked pleased that she had the honour of escorting District 2 again , but also looked like she just wanted to get it over with . She hurried through the speech about how the Hunger Games evolved and immediately stuck her hand in the girls bowl . Before she could read out the name , I yelled out ' ' I volunteer as tribute ! ' ' . I jogged onto the stage with a big grin on my face until I looked at my mother and saw her weeping . I realised that I may never see her again and I started to tear up , but I quickly remembered that if I won , we would have a better life , so I dried my tears and stood proudly on the stage . Leila asked me for my name and I said ' ' Mckenna Ecelintic ' ' . She smiled and quickly moved on to the next part of her job . ' ' Now time for the boys ' ' said Leila . She moved her hand around in the boys bowl for a long time , and then finally picked up a slip of paper . She read out a name , but I wasn 't listening because I was thinking about how my dad must 've felt in this situation . A large , tall boy slowly walked up to the stage . He looked about 18 years old . But before he could get to the stage , another boy , about 15 years old , shouted ' ' I volunteer ' ' . He sprinted on to the stage and said his name into the microphone . ' ' Carl Camm ' ' he said confidently . Leila said our names to the crowd once more , and then ushered us on to the train . We sat down next to each other and he couldn 't stop staring at me the whole time . He gazed into my eyes , and I just laughed in his face . Does he seriously think he 's going to get into a relationship with someone he might have to kill ? District 3 I woke up , got dressed , had breakfast and went hunting in the woodsbefore I left for the district centre . Today was reaping day and I didn 't have a good feeling about it , so I made sure that this hunting session was good . I killed a deer and a rabbit , but I didn 't take any of them with me to the reaping because that would be stupid . I don 't want to get shot by peacekeepers at 13 years old . I want to live my life to the fullest . When I was younger , my parents beat me and abused me and that 's why I have a huge scar on my chin . I 'd had enough of it and ran away . I evntually moved in with my older sister , and she taught me how to hunt and how to kill and cook animals . Ever since then , I 've been practising with my bow and arrow everyday . I left the dead animals that I shot with my bow and arrow on the floor in the woods . I hoped they 'd still be there after the reaping , but I doubted it . I walked down the pathway and arrived at the centre . About 2 minutes after I had my blood taken , Dani Joneston , District 3 's escort , walked on to the stage . She had a shiny green dress on and blue hair . I 've never understood Capitol fashion , but this lady takes it way too far . We listened to her go on about how the Hunger Games became such a big event and how it evolved over the years . Someone got bored of her after a while and yelled " Get on with the reapings ! " Dani looked a little upset by this but she eventually moved on to the reapings . " Ladies first " said Dani . She stuck her hand down to the bottom of the bowl and pulled out a name . " Isa Guard " said Dani . I looked at my sister who was crying and weeping . I started to tear up as I slowly walked on to the stage . No one volunteered for me . I was going into the Hunger Games . " Now it 's the boys turn " said Dani . She reached down into the bowl and and picked the name at the very bottom of the bowl . " Brann Clatch " said Dani . A tall , muscular boy walked up on to the stage next to me . Clatch . I remember that name from somewhere . Oh ! Now I remember ! There was a girl from District 3 that was reaped 3 years ago . She died in the arena and finished around 6th place . She did pretty well for District 3 , but we 've not had a victor in ages . I shook hands with Clatch and we booarded the train together . I observed him closely and he looked like he was on a mission to avenge her death . I could tell he was raging inside , so I tried to keep my distance from him . Today was reaping day , but that didn 't mean I wasn 't going to stop working . I had to make sure I helped out with the family business as much as possible because I want the best for my family . I picked up my trident and starting hunting for fish . The beach was only 5 minutes away from my house so I got there earlier than usual . I got out my net , stuck my trident through a couple of fish and then left . I took what I had hunted back to my house and gave it to my father for his business . I made sure I caught a few extra fish this time , just in case I got reaped . I quickly got changed and headed for the district centre . Once I arrived , I saw a whole bunch of people pushing to the front of the crowd . Jamie Pierson , a victor from a couple of years ago , was standing there with Helen Cramer , District 3 's escort . They were telling everyone how District 4 is the best and how they expect us to do well again this year . I didn 't bother moving to the front because I knew that they were just trying to get strong people to volunteer for District 4 . When Jamie finally took a seat , Helen moved over to the girls bowl and began to pull out a name . " Coral Fable " said Helen . I looked around to see who had just been reaped until I realised that it was my name . I walked up to the stage feeling sorry for myself . I 'd hoped that Jamie and Helen 's efforts to get someone to volunteer had worked , but the crowd was silent and they all just stared at me , knowing I would probably die . Helen then trotted over to the boys bowl and picked up a name from the bowl . " Lyze Kiel " she said . A quiet , nervous looking boy walked up to the stage . From a distance he looked older than me , but when he was stood next to me , he looked about 13 . The only thing that surprised me was that he was taller than me , yet still looked alot younger than me . I liked him though , and I already started thinking about having him as an ally in the arena . Helen guided us over to the train and we both got on it . I looked out to the crowd one last time , taking in the sight of District 4 cheering us away to the Capitol . I woke up to the sound of my 2 little brothers screaming down my ears . ' ' Wake up ! ' ' said Danny . ' ' Go away ' ' I said sternly . ' ' But it 's reaping day ' ' said Kyle . Oh crap . I forgot that today was reaping day . I had told myself that I was going to volunteer . I 'd had enough of living in a house with my 2 annoying little brothers so I want to live in the victors village where I can get away from them . They 're too young to be reaped yet , so they see reaping day as a fun day , but everyone else hates it . My dad is always away working in the Capitol so I never see him enough . My family is wealthy considering we live in District 5 , but that 's not enough for me . I want to be spoiled ; I want riches and luxuries , so I need to win these Games in order to live the perfect life that I want . I went downstairs and had my breakfast . My mother asked me if I was going to volunteer and I said ' ' yes , mother , I am going to volunteer ' ' . I had to act nice to her if she was going to allow me to volunteer , so I had been kissing up to her for the last couple of days . I stood up and walked towards the door , preparing myself for the reaping . ' ' Gabrielle , why don 't you come with us to the reaping today ? ' ' my mother said . ' ' Because I don 't want to be anywhere near them ! ' ' I said , pointing towards my brothers . ' ' Aren 't you going to say goodbye to us all ? ' ' said my mother . Goodbye . Goodbye ? Does she think I 'm going to die in the arena ? ' ' Oh it 's nice to know you have confidence in me , mother ' ' I said aggressively . I left the house and slammed the door behind me as I made my way towards the centre . I arrived at District 5 's centre and got my blood taken . I stood in the 12 - 18 girls section and waited for the reaping to begin . Asha Barnes , District 5 's escort , walked on to the stage and completely skipped the annual speech we are supposed to get every year . Asha was a hopeless escort , and was always forgetting to read out the speech . I wouldn 't be surprised if she was fired from being an escort next year . She trotted over to the girls bowl and read out the name ' ' Nadine Epelfether ' ' . A small , 13 year old girl walked up to the stage . There was no way I was letting that girl represent District 5 . It 's about time we had a victor for a change . ' ' I volunteer ' ' I yelled . I ran up on to the stage and pushed Nadine out of the way . She ran off crying and went looking for her mother . What a weakling . I walked over to Asha and she started going on about how fantastic it was that District 5 had a volunteer . I got bored of her little speech about volunteering , so I grabbed the microphone from her and said to the crowd ' ' my name is Gabrielle Beets and I will be coming back to District 5 as a victor ! ' ' . The girls erupted with cheers but the boys were quiet and looked nervous . I guess they were still scared of being reaped . Asha then grabbed the microphone from me and said ' ' thank you Gabrielle , moving on to the boys ! ' ' . She dug her hand into the boys bowl and picked up a slip of paper . ' ' Aquan Swimmers ' ' said Asha . I giggled a little bit as he walked on to the stage . What kind of a name is ' Aquan Swimmers ' ? Asha presented us to the crowd one last time and we boarded the train towards the Capitol . We sat down and Aquan said to me ' ' I 'm nervous . I don 't think I 'll be able to kill anyone in the arena ' ' . I turned my head to the right and pretended to look out the window . I knew he 'd have an early death , so there was no point talking to him . District 6 I woke up to the sound of my siblings screaming . It was the first reaping where my younger brother was eligible to be reaped . He was sweating and looked like he 'd been having nightmares throughout the night . I calmed him down , and took him downstairs for breakfast . I saw the small kitchen table and the 21 cereal bowls that were on top of it . It 's hard living in a 4 - room house with 20 of your relatives , but I know things will get better , so I don 't complain . 7 of u take tesserae , but we all hope that we will never get reaped . After we all had breakfast , we set out for the centre and hoped that the odds were in our favour today . As we arrived in the centre of District 6 , I hugged my cousins and sisters and walked over with my 12 year old brother to get our blood taken . After that , we went into the boys section and listened to Carlo Blome , District 6 's escort , tell us about how this year 's victor could be from District 6 and not die in the bloodbath like last year . Carlo walked over to the girls bowl and read out the name ' ' Katrina Villa ' ' . A cute blonde girl walked on to the stage , but she looked a little scared and nervous . ' ' Moving on to the boys ' ' said Carlo . He dug his hand deep down into the boys bowl and pulled out a slip of paper . ' ' Travis Lindberg ' ' said Carlos . Oh no . That 's my name . I waited for about 5 seconds for somebody to volunteer for me , but no one did . My brother grasped on to me and I had to release his grip as I walked towards the stage . I stood next to Katrina and we shook hands . She looked like she had had a hard life , but it wasn 't going to get any easier . We were both going into the Hunger Games . District 7 I woke myself up and got dressed . I looked out the window , but it was dull and quiet , and everywhere seemed tense . I knew it was reaping day . My brother was reaped 3 years ago , and everyone expected him to go far , but he died in the cornucopia bloodbath . My parents went into depression , and ever since then I 've had to look after myself . I figured that if my brother got reaped , I could get reaped too , so I learned how to use an axe and how to be independent . I hope I never do get reaped , but if it happens then I need to be prepared . I left the house and walked towards the centre , hoping that I wouldn 't get reaped . When I arrived at the district centre , it was filled with a whole bunch of children waiting anxiously for the reaping to begin . I got my blood taken and saw Alice Bergundy , District 7 's escort , walk on to the stage . She gave us the annual speech about the Games and quickly moved on to the reaping . She stuck her hand in the girls bowl and pulled out a small slip of paper . " Brie Stevens " she said . It took me a few moments to realise that it was my name that had just been called out . I walked on to the stage in shock . I could die in the arena , and my parents would never see their last remaining child again . I didn 't cry in front of District 7 because I didn 't want to look weak . I just faintly smiled and then blanked out any other emotions I was feeling . I watched Alice walk over to the boys bowl and read out the name of the boy who I would be fighting to the death with . Before she could read the name , a boy called out " I volunteer " . He walked up to the stage and I immediately recognised him . He was Tommy Lohter , Danny Lohter 's brother . Danny Lohter won the Games 6 years ago and became one of District 7 's few victors . His sister was reaped 3 years later , along with my brother , but she was killed by mutations towards the end of the Games . She was my brother 's district partner in the 170th Hunger Games , but neither of them survived . Alice stood in front of the microphone and said " Oh , Opal Bayler - District 8 I woke my little sisters up and got them ready for the reaping . They weren 't old enough to be reaped yet , but they still got nervous in case I got reaped . My parents were killed in a factory explosion and ever since we have lived with our step - mother . Jade and Ruby love her , but I think she 's a horrible , vile person . She has always treated us horribly and I always think about what life would be like if my parents were still alive . I grabbed my little sisters and walked with them to the district centre . I started thinking about what would happen if I got reaped and how much my sisters would suffer without me , but then I realised that I probably wouldn 't get reaped and some other unlucky person would fight to the death instead . When we got to the centre , I sent my sisters away into the under 12 's section and got my blood taken . District 8 's escort came on to the stage and started reading the annual speech . I forgot her name , but I was hoping that I didn 't need to learn it any time soon . After she read the speech , she walked over to the girls bowl and pulled out a slip of paper . " Opal Bayer " she said loudly into the microphone . I couldn 't believe it . How could I have been reaped out of all these people ? I ran over to my siblings and hugged them tightly . My eyes were flooded with tears . I couldn 't stop crying . Two peacekeepers started to walk towards me and they began pulling me away from my sisters . My sisters were screaming as they watched me being forced on to the stage . I stood in front of the crowd , waiting to see who I would be fighting against or possibly aligning with . District 8 's escort , now my escort , walked over to the boys bowl and pulled out a piece of paper . " Elliot Ryan " she said . A cute looking boy around my age walked on to the stage . He wasn 't crying or screaming like I did , but he just looked nervous and shaky . I quite liked him and had already started to think about allying with him in the arena . Our escort walked us over to the train and we boarded it together , hopingScott Jameison - District 9 I woke up knowing that today was reaping day . I was sweating from the nightmares I 'd been having the night before reaping day . I always had dreams about being killed in the Hunger Games , but I had to always remind myself that they were only dreams and they weren 't real . I was hoping that they never would become real . I went downstairs and had my breakfast . After I had eaten my breakfast , I went back to my room and started painting . I loved to paint and I have always found art so beautiful and creative . I have a very creative mind and love the art of camouflage so every day I always paint something to keep my mind creative . Today I painted a picture of the victors village , hoping that whoever was reaped today would come back as a victor for District 9 . We hadn 't had a victor in ages , mainly because the career districts usually produced the victors because they had trained and had volunteered for the Games knowing that they would win . I left my house and walked past the empty victors village houses . I imagined them looking luxurious inside , but my family could never afford a house like that . I arrived at the centre and had my blood taken . Shortly after I took my place in the 12 to 18 boys section , Ashley Nolen , District 9 's escort , came onto the stage . She read out the annual speech and proceeded with the reaping . She stuck her hand in the girls bowl and pulled out a name . " Delilah Woods " said Ashley . The hottest girl I had ever seen walked on to the stage . She had long blonde hair and had the most beautiful smile . She had to be one of the most beautiful girls in district 9 , and could probably use her looks to get far in the Games . Then , Ashley moved over to the boys bowl and dug her hand in it . She picked up a slip of paper and read the name on it . " Scott Jameison " she said . I froze in shock . I didn 't think that I would 've been reaped out of all of these people . I walked up to the stage , shaking like crazy . I felt so awful and didn 't want to have to go into the Hunger Games . I looked at DelilDistrict 10 I woke up and got my siblings dressed and ready for reaping day . I was nervous for them all , but strangely I wasn 't nervous for myself . I just wanted to make sure that they were all ok and would always be safe . I don 't know what I would do if any of them got reaped . I love them all so much and only want the best for them . Both of my parents are past victors and are part of the small group of District 10 's victors . We live a happy life in the victors village but we still donate to the poor because we are still equal to everyone else . I have always wanted to help people out , and I find pleasure in doing so . I think the Hunger Games is wrong , but for 1 lucky person it gives them a better life afterwards , and that 's what happened with my parents . I don 't think I 'll ever get reaped , but I know that there 's a possibility that any of us could , so I live every day to the fullest . When we all arrived at the centre , we had our blood taken and waited for the reaping to begin . When Luna Grange , District 10 's escort , walked on to the stage , the whole crowd went silent . She read out the annual speech and got on with the reaping . She picked out a name from the girls bowl and read it to the crowd . " Serina Frostswords " said Luna . A tanned redhead walked on to the stage . She looked like an athletic girl but I didn 't think she could win the Games . Luna walked over to the boys bowl and began to pick out a slip of paper . She picked one out of the bowl and announced it out loud . " Ordosal Livingston " said Luna . I immediately looked towards my mother and father and they smiled at me . They probably thought that I could win it , and I had a small feeling that I had a good chance of coming back as a victor . I walked on to the stage confidently , but I was thinking about how much I would miss my siblings . I knew that I had to win it for them . I shook hands with Serina and we boarded the train together . I was larger than her , but I felt like she had more of an edge over me . I don 't know what it was about her , but shDistrict 11 I woke up and I immediately knew that today was reaping day . It would be my last day ever with my parents because I was going to volunteer . My parents would always abuse me and hit me and one day I decided that I had had enough of it . The only way I could get away from them was by volunteering for the Hunger Games and living in the victors village alone . I knew that by doing this I would be risking my life , but I know that I can win it . I need to win it for myself to show me that I can survive anything that life throws at me . I got dressed , left the house and headed for the centre . I skipped breakfast because I knew I 'd be getting a lovely buffet on the bullet train to the capitol . When I got to the centre I had my blood taken and waited for Talia Loomberg , District 11 's escort , to come on to the stage . I thought about how most of my siblings had died from malnutrition and how my parents only had me left . I thought about how my brothers moved out of our house and left me alone by myself and how my parents were about to say goodbye to their youngest child , but I knew that I had to do this . I couldn 't stand to be around them any longer , so I wanted this reaping to be over with quickly . When Talia finally arrived , she read out the speech that we get every year and then began with the reaping . She walked over to the girls bowl and picked out a name . Before she could read out the name , I yelled out " I volunteer " as loudly as I could . The crowd gasped as I walked on to the stage . They were shocked that someone from District 11 had volunteered for the Games . I stood on the stage and thought about what I would have to do to win these Games . Before I could come up with a plan to survive , Talia read out the name on the piece of paper she had just picked up from the boys bowl . " Tristan Kirp " said Talia . A boy my age walked on to the stage and stood next to me . We shook hands and boarded the train together . I needed to make sure that I came back alive . District 12 Today was reaping day and I was more nervous than ever before . I had a bad feeling about today , but I didn 't quite know why . I went downstairs and could smell the golden bread my mother had been baking this morning . I wasn 't allowed to have any because they were supposed to be for the customers , but my mother usually gave me a piece on the morning of reaping day even though today is the first time that I could actually get reaped . After I had eaten my breakfast , I got dressed and picked up the locket my father had given me . My father died in a kitchen fire when he was baking one night , and he was burned alive . If I was ever sent into the Games then I wanted my token to be the locket that my father gave to my . It was the last thing I had that reminded me of him , so I had to keep it with me until the day I die . I arrived at the centre and got my blood taken . Janina Berrington , District 12 's escort , came on to the stage and began with the reaping ceremony . After the speech , she put her hand in the girls bowl and pulled out a slip of paper . " Lily Kane " read Janina . That was me . I was going into the Games to fight to the death . I had no clue what I was going to do in the Games . I was probably going to die . I walked on to the stage , crying my eyes out . Janina proceeded with the reaping and picked out a boy 's name . " Asher Silvera " said Janina . A 17 year old boy walked up to the stage and stood next to me . He was evidently larger than me and I started to get nervous . We boarded the train together and I was panicking . There was no way that a 12 year old girl could defeat a 17 year old boy like Asher . I had to pull off a miracle to survive these Games . District 13 I woke up and I knew it was reaping day . Everyone at school had been talking about last year 's Games because Emmanuel Weightman won them and he was from District 13 . It had been a long time since District 13 had won the Games and when Emmanuel won , the whole of the district went crazy . I liked going to school . Not because I like the lessons or anything , but because I 'm the most popular girl in school and I love the attention . All the boys flirt with me and I always flirt back with them , as long as they 're cute . I don 't worry about reaping day that much because I 'm pretty sure someone will volunteer for me if I do get reaped . The good thing about being popular is that you have so many people that admire you and it makes you feel like a celebrity . I hope that I don 't get reaped , but if I do then I hope someone volunteers for me . I took a short walk to the centre and got my blood taken when I arrived . Alexandra Goodman , District 13 's escort , came on to the stage with Emmanuel Weightman , last year 's victor . Everyone was cheering and chanting Emmanuel 's name . It was a big thing for someone from District 13 to have won the Games , and expectations are high this year since Emmanuel had showed Panem that District 13 is a strong district . Alexandra then gave us the speech about the Games , but she also added about how great it was that Emmanuel was able to win for District 13 and how we are expected to do well again this year . Then , Alexandra put her hand in the girls bowl and pulled out a name . " Lavender Rose " she said . I smiled and looked around the crowd , waiting for someone to volunteer for me . The whole crowd was silent . I started to sweat . No one had volunteered for me like I thought they would 've . I walked on to the stage shaking . I didn 't expect to be going into the Games . I stood on the stage , waiting for Alexandra to reveal the name of the boy who would be going through this with me . She stuck her hand in the bowl and pulled out a name . " Peter Blake " said Alexandra . A blonde boy aboutLindsay Mill - Capitol It was reaping day today and I was a little nervous . My brothers left a week ago because they had to start planning new ideas and the arena hazards for the Games . All three of them are gamemakers and work within the Games . They help come up with ideas for the Games and what the tributes will have to go through in order to survive . I am strongly against the Games and I always tell my brothers that what they are doing is wrong , but I can 't complain because they make a lot of money and they spend it on things for our family . If I got sent into the Games , people would think that my brothers would fix the Games so that I 'd win , but they 're only involved in pre - planning the Games so I 'd be out there on my own , facing death . I arrived at the Capitol centre and got my blood taken . I saw a whole crowd of people with coloured hair and powdered skin . It looked like aliens had landed from outer - space . I looked quite normal for someone from the Capitol . I had long , brown hair , brown eyes and wore clothes that didn 't light up or glow . Even though I didn 't look like an alien , I do feel a little left out . There are only a few normal - looking people in the Capitol , so I tend to feel a little lonely sometimes . But I like the way I am and don 't want to change a thing about myself . Carrie Cole , the Capitol 's escort , walked on to the stage with her pink fluffy wig balancing on her head . She told us how great it was to be the Capitol 's escort and how the Hunger Games Arena was right next door to us . She gave the speech about why the Capitol had to participate in the Games and how they were brought back and then immediately began with the reaping . She put her hand in the girls bowl and pulled out a name . " Lindsay Mill " said Carrie . I walked up to the stage in tears . I could not believe what was happening . I stood on the stage and saw my parents crying . I wasn 't ready to die , not yet . I stood on the stage , looking weak and upset . Then , Carrie picked a boy 's name out of the boys bowl . " Cyan Richest " she said . Tribute I entered my launch tube and it began to slowly rise . When we all surfaced , we saw a huge grass field with the cornucopia in the middle of it . I was directly in front of the cornucopia entrance , and I was only a couple of feet away from a backpack , but I wasn 't sure whether I should risk it or not . There was a river filled with clean water on the outskirts of the field and a forest to the right of me . To the left of me , there was a rocky area filled with stones , boulders and rocks . There were alot of caves in the rocky area , but in the forest area there wasn 't much cover . There was a little pond in the forest though , so I guess you could only get water from the field or the forest , but not the rocky caves . Anyone who went into the rocky area would need their mentor to send them some water or would need to sneak towards the outskirts of the field area and get some water without being spotted . There are good points and bad points to each of the 3 areas . There isn 't any cover in the field apart from the cornucopia and a couple of small bushes , but there was water supply and access to supplies if you were to set up camp in the cornucopia . The careers would take over the cornucopia though , so I 'd probably stay away from the fields . You 'd need to be very sneaky if you were to switch areas and not be spotted . In the forest , there is a small pond which could be used as a water supply for tributes , but , like the field , there wasn 't much cover in the forest apart from a couple of bushes unless you were able to climb a tree high enough so that you were out of sight and range from the other tributes . There were fruit trees and fruit bushes , but I doubt that all of them were edible . A couple of them were probably poisonous , but the ones that weren 't would be a good supply of food . However , the bushes in the forest were alot bigger than the bushes in the field , so you could probably duck behind them if you saw someone coming . There were a few small animals running around in the forest though , so if you could catch them , you coKaty Belle - District 1 " 6 . . . . . 5 . . . . . 4 . . . . . 3 . . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . . GONG ! " . The gong sounded and the whole arena went into chaos . There was screaming , fighting and running going on everywhere you looked . I dashed into the cornucopia and grabbed a trident . I saw Aquan ( 5 ) running towards me , but before he could get any closer , I pierced his body with my trident . BOOM He fell to the ground , dead . Awesome ! I got the first kill ! I just saw Katy ( 1 ) kill Aquan ( 5 ) with a trident . I was going to allign with Aquan ( 5 ) , but now I was focused on alligning with Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Tommy ( 7 ) . I ran into the cornucopia , grabbed some supplies and an axe and then turned around to exit the cornucopia when I saw Tristan ( 11 ) standing in my way . He charged at me , but I swung my axe at him and it landed in his skull . BOOM I pulled my axe out of his head and ran towards the edge of the forest . I waited with Tommy ( 7 ) for Gabrielle to come out of the bloodbath with some supplies . I planned on alligning with the careers , but I had to show them that I was able to fight . I grabbed a dagger that was laying on the grass and saw Ordosal ( 10 ) running towards a backpack . I ran towards the backpack and we both grabbed it at the same time . I pulled it towards me and the rope snapped , sending the backpack flying towards me . I dropped the dagger and caught the backpack in my arms . I turned away from Ordosal ( 10 ) as he seemed like he didn 't have any weapons on him , but as I started walking , I felt a sharp object lunge into my back . I fell to the ground , and the last thing I saw was Ordosal ( 10 ) pulling his axe out of my back . BOOM I grabbed Delilah 's ( 9 ) hand and we ran off together into the rocky area . We settled down into one of the 4 caves near the front of the rocky area and I placed a boulder in front of the cave opening so that no one would spot us . We could still hear the chaos going on at the bloodbath from inside the cave . Brie ( 7 ) and Tommy ( 7 ) were waiting for me on the outskirts of the forest . I ran towards the cornucopia and saw Carl ( 2 ) stabbing Travis ( 6 ) in the heart . BOOM I crept up behind Carl ( 2 ) and sent my spear through his head . BOOM I ran away with my spear and a couple of supplies and met up with Brie ( 7 ) and Tommy ( 7 ) . We ran deep into the forest , away from the bloodbath . We set up camp on the ground . Brie ( 7 ) stayed high up in the trees whilst me and Tommy ( 7 ) guarded our supplies . I saw Isa ( 3 ) run into the forest by herself . I didn 't want to follow her because I knew that there were already a few people in the forest , so I ran into the rocky area . I could hear Berit ( 11 ) running into the rocky area behind me , but once we passed the first 4 caves I couldn 't hear her anymore . I ran to the back of the rocky area and settled down into one of the caves towards the back of the area , but I planned on hunting for food later tonight . I saw Peter ( 13 ) walking around confidently with a knife in his hand . If I remember correctly , he got a 6 in training . Not that impressive . Me and Lyze ( 4 ) went over to him . " Hey , I 'm here and ready to join the careers " said Peter ( 13 ) . I laughed in his face . " Uhm , you got a 6 in training , right ? " I said . " Yeah " he said . " There 's no way you 're joining us , but we can kill you if you like " said Lyze ( 4 ) . Peter 's ( 13 ) huge smirk turned into a scared look . He started to run towards the forest , realising that there was no way he was joining the careers . " Oh , I don 't think so " I said . I threw a throwing knife at him and it landed in his skull , killing him instantly . BOOM We hadn 't accepted anyone into the careers , apart from Ordosal ( 10 ) . He had proved to be a good fighter , so we let Ordosal ( 10 ) join us . There were only a few non - careers left at the cornucopia , but none of us wanted them to join the careers . All the strong people had run off into one of the areas . I looked at Diamond ( 1 ) and he had a menacing look in his eyes . He was ready to get a kill . Me , Opal ( 8 ) and Lindsay ( C ) had formed an alliance and we ran into the forest together . Me and Opal ( 8 ) had a backpack each which both contained some bread and water , but Lindsay ( C ) only had a weapon . It was a small dagger , but we could use it for many things . I was searching for a backpack , but I couldn 't find one . I saw Cyan ( C ) run into the forest with a backpack , so I decided that I was going to follow him . I realised that I was the only non - career left at the cornucopia , so I began to run . I tripped over a rock that was lying on the floor and I fell to the ground . The last thing I saw was Diamond ( 1 ) sending his sword into my stomach . BOOM Gabrielle ( 5 ) , Brie ( 7 ) and me were all in the forest . We had weapons and supplies that would last us a couple of days and we had a large backpack to store our supplies in . The pond wasn 't very close to us , but we could make a short journey towards it if we ever needed water . I was alone in a tree in the forest . I had managed to grab a backpack , but it only contained a canteen filled with water and a dagger . I wanted night - vision glasses to be in my pack so that I could see people at night , but I was grateful for what I had . Elliot ( 8 ) , Lindsay ( C ) and me were doing fine in the forest . We had a dagger and two backpacks that contained bread and water . We had to split the food and water equally , so it would only last until tomorrow . I was sitting in my cave with nothing but a blanket that I had picked up from the outskirts of the cornucopia . The rocky area seemed quiet . I presumed that most of the tributes went to the forest . I was just about to go to sleep when I heard a noise outside . I peered out of the cave and saw Serina ( 10 ) looking for something . I guessed that she was out hunting since she looked like she didn 't have much . She saw something on the floor and stomped her foot on the ground as hard as she could . A giant boulder came from out of nowhere and started rolling rapidly towards Serina ( 10 ) . " Look out ! " I yelled . She turned around and jumped out of the way just in time . I got out of my cave and walked over to her . " Thank you " she said . " You saved my life ! " . " You 're welcome " I said . " Alliance ? " said Serina ( 10 ) . " Uhm , ok " I said . I never trusted people easily , but I liked this girl . She seemed nice and trustworthy . We entered my cave and she turned around and said to me " I don 't have much , but I picked up this piece of wire . It may be some use to you , but it means nothing to me " . This was just what I needed . I took the wire from her and started making a trip wire at the entrance of the cave . If anyone tried to enter our cave , they 'd fall over and alert us to their presence . We snuggled down together and shared the blanket between us . We felt pretty safe , but we were hungry and thirsty . Delilah ( 9 ) and me were in our cave . Delilah ( 9 ) went outside to see if anyone was near us or approaching us . I heard Delilah ( 9 ) scream and I immediately ran outside to see what was going on . I saw that Katrina ( 6 ) had Delilah ( 9 ) pinned down to the ground . Katrina ( 6 ) pulled out a dagger and was about to stab Delilah ( 9 ) when I kicked Katrina ( 6 ) off of her , sending the dagger out of her hand . I grabbed the dagger and jumped on top of Katrina . " Please don 't kill me " she said . " You were about to kill Delilah ( 9 ) , so now I 'm going to kill you " I said . I plunged the dagger into Katrina 's ( 6 ) chest , killing her instantly . BOOM The anthem began to play and I looked up towards the sky . Tributes faces began appearing in the sky . I saw the boy from 2 first . Wow , a career died on the first day . I didn 't expect that . Then I saw the boy from 5 , the boy and the girl from 6 , the boy from 11 , the girl from 12 and the boy and girl from 13 . I slipped away from the careers in the early hours of the morning . I grabbed some supplies and made my way towards one of the caves at the back of the rocky area . I didn 't kill any of the careers because I knew that if I did , it would wake the others up . There was only me , the pair from 9 and the girls from 10 and 11 in this area , so I felt pretty safe . Me and Scott ( 9 ) hadn 't received anything from our mentor and we were thirsty and starving . I got out of my cave while Scott ( 9 ) was still asleep and I saw a bush filled with lots of juicy berries . I was so hungry and the berries were so tempting , so I picked one and slipped it in my mouth . I remember feeling light - headed before collapsing to the floor and dieing . BOOM I heard a cannon and saw that Delilah ( 9 ) wasn 't in the cave . I immediately ran out and saw Delilah 's dead body and the nightlock that was on the ground next to her . My district partner just died and I was all alone by myself . We all woke up and saw that Katy ( 1 ) wasn 't here . We 'd heard a cannon and thought that she had died , but after a while we figured that she was smart enough to survive by herself . We were all sitting happily in the cornucopia , but we were a little anxious knowing that Katy ( 1 ) was out there somewhere . Me , Opal ( 8 ) and Elliot ( 8 ) were all eating the food that our sponsors had sent us when we heard a noise from within the trees . I went looking by myself to see what was causing the noise when I heard a voice whispering to me . " Hey , Lindsay ! It 's me ! Alliance ? " . I recognised his voice immediately . " Sure " I said . Cyan ( C ) appeared from out the bushes and I walked him over towards Opal ( 8 ) and Elliot ( 8 ) . " Guys , this is Cyan . He 's from the Capitol like me and he 's the newest addition to our alliance ! " . They both welcomed him to the group and continued with their meals . After they 'd finished , I suggested that we relocated to the rocky area because there were less tributes there . Everyone agreed , but we all knew it would be tough getting past the cornucopia without alerting the careers to our presence . We were all in the cornucopia when we heard a noise from outside . We ran out and saw Elliot ( 8 ) , Opal ( 8 ) , Lindsay ( C ) and Cyan ( C ) making their way from the forest towards the rocky area . All of us careers ran towards them with our weapons and all hell broke loose . Weapons were flying around and people began fighting . I was just getting my throwing knives ready when I saw Elliot ( 8 ) send a dart from his blowgun into Diamond 's ( 1 ) neck . BOOM Diamond 's ( 1 ) body slupmed to the floor and his neck was still splurting out blood . I ran towards the cornucopia and grabbed some more weapons . When I ran back out , Lindsay ( C ) , Elliot ( 8 ) and Opal ( 8 ) had all reached the edge of the rocky area and were waiting for Cyan ( C ) to cross over to them when Mckenna ( 2 ) sent an arrow into his skull . BOOM The 3 non - careers ran away into the rocky area , but none of us chased after them . We didn 't feel safe in the cornucopia anymore , so we grabbed all the supplies that we could and relocated to the forest . None of us had poison , so we couldn 't poison the water stream near the cornucopia , but we were just focused on moving to somewhere safe in the forest . We hoped that tomorrow there would be a feast so that more tributes would die , because our alliance was rapidly decreasing in numbers . The only people left were me , Lyze ( 4 ) , Coral ( 4 ) and Ordosal ( 10 ) . Katy was nowhere to be found . Me and Serina ( 10 ) were sat in the back of our cave when all of a sudden we heard a huge thud . We moved towards the opening of our cave and saw Scott ( 9 ) lying on the floor in the opening of the cave . He must 've tripped over the trip wire that I had set up . His nose was bleeding and he had a big bruise on his forehead . " Is he dead ? " I asked . " No . He 's just unconscious . We would 've heard his cannon by now . Berit , you finish him off with your awl " said Serina ( 10 ) . I grabbed the awl that my sponsor had sent me , took a deep breath and plunged the awl into Scott 's ( 9 ) chest . BOOM His cannon sounded and we pushed his dead body out of our cave . We took his dagger from him , but that was all he had . We went back inside the cave and waited for the hovercraft to pick up his body . We 'd heard four cannons today , and we were hoping that there would be some more . I told Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) that I was going hunting for food , and they told me to be careful . I didn 't need to be careful though , because I presumed that most of the deaths had happened to tributes in the forest . I hunted for a short while and eventually found a rabbit running around on the floor . I lined up my spear , ready to throw it at the rabbit , when I felt an arrow go straight through my head . I saw Isa ( 3 ) jumping down from her tree with her bow and pulling the arrow out of my head . Then , my eyes closed and my heart stopped . BOOM It was dark and me and Asher ( 12 ) were enjoying the soups that Asher 's mentor had sent us . We 'd both received weapons and water from our sponsors , so we were doing pretty good . We heard the anthem play and looked up in the sky to see who had died to day . The boy from 1 appeared first , followed by the boy from 7 , the boy and girl from 9 and the boy from the Capitol . We were pretty happy that we had made the final 15 , but we knew that our alliance would have to be broken off at some point . Me and Brie ( 7 ) were still in shock at the tributes that had died today . We thought that Tommy was still out hunting , but it turned out that he was killed . We were just about to go to sleep when we heard Claudius Templesmith 's voice on the loudspeaker . " Hello tributes . Congratulations on making the final 15 ! Tomorrow there will be a feast . Each of you will have your own bag containing something that you will benefit from . I can exclusively reveal that one tribute 's bag contains instant relief , something which all of you may need in order to survive the final battle at the end of the Games . Oh , I forgot to mention , we 've planned a surprise for all of you that choose not to attend the feast . Can you afford to attend the feast or are you desperate to see the surprise that we 've planned for the non - attenders ? The choice is yours . . . " I decided not to go to the feast . I hadn 't received any advice from my mentor , so I assumed that this ' surprise ' wouldn 't anything major . I said goodbye to Asher ( 12 ) and climbed up a tree so that I would be safe from any land - muttations . Me and Asher ( 12 ) had agreed that after the feast , we would be ending our alliance . Asher ( 12 ) was going to relocate to the rocky area after the feast , but I was going to stay in the forest . I was resting against the tree when I heard a strange noise coming from the sky . I looked up and saw bird muttations flying towards me . I jumped out of my tree and fell on my leg . It was twisted and looked broken . I screamed out in pain as the bird mutts pecked my eyes out and ripped out my throat . BOOM I 'd just heard a cannon and I started to get worried . Mckenna ( 2 ) , Coral ( 4 ) and Ordosal ( 10 ) had gone to the feast and had left me to guard the supplies . I heard barking coming from behind me . I turned around and was immediately pinned down to the ground by land muttations . I felt one of the muttations to sink it 's teeth into my chest and my eyes slowly closed . I just heard the sound of my cannon before my eyes shut completely . BOOM Me and Berit ( 11 ) were crouched down behind a rock where we could see the opening of the cornucopia . The hovercraft came hovering over the cornucopia and dropped the bags in front of it . I saw Coral ( 4 ) immediately run out of the cornucopia and grab her bag . She ran straight back into the cornucopia with her bag and waited there . She had a trident and I presumed that she was going to kill any non - careers that went for their bags . I saw Ordosal ( 10 ) run out of the cornucopia and check each bag to see which had his district number on it . I stood up , loaded my bow and fired it at him . It landed straight in his neck , killing him instantly . BOOM Me and Berit ( 11 ) moved behind a rock further away from the cornucopia . I still had a grin on my face , knowing that I just killed a career . I lanned on alligning with the carrers again , because I found it hard surviving on my own . I ran into the cornucopia , knowing that Coral ( 4 ) was in there . As I entered the cornucopia , I saw Coral ( 4 ) sticking her trident into Lindsay 's ( C ) chest . BOOM She dropped to the floor , dead . Opal ( 8 ) was stood in the cornucopia , and she didn 't have an ally to protect her anymore . I threw my trident at Opal ( 8 ) , and it landed in her stomach . BOOM I saw Elliot ( 8 ) firing darts at me and Coral ( 4 ) . I pulled out my trident from Opal 's ( 8 ) stomach and ran away with Coral ( 4 ) . She told me that Mckenna ( 2 ) was the only career left besides from us , but when we reached the edge of the forest , Mckenna ( 2 ) was nowhere to be seen . I turned around and saw Mckenna ( 2 ) running away into the rocky area with her bag . Me and Coral ( 4 ) were the only members left of the careers alliance . While all the fighting was happening , I 'd snuck across into the rocky area . I didn 't get my bag because I knew that I 'd be in danger of being killed . I found a cave and set up camp there . I realised that I didn 't have many supplies left and that I needed these Games to be over soon if I was going to survive . There was only me , Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) left at the feast . Everyone else had ran off . I didn 't set up a trap at the feast , and there was no point in doing it now . I saw Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) running into the cornucopia and grabbing there bags . I shot an arrow at them , but it missed . They looked up and saw me in the tree . I immediately jumped out of the tree and started to run away with my backpack that had some of my supplies in it . My wire was at my base camp and I was holding my bow and arrows whilst I was running . I could hear them chasing me from behind . I started to get tired , and I wasn 't running as fast as I was before . I felt a knife plunge into my back , and I fell to the ground . The last thing I saw was Gabrielle ( 5 ) pulling her throwing knife out of my back and Brie ( 7 ) taking my backpack that had my night - vision glasses in it , and a canteen filled with water . BOOM Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) had ran away from the cornucopia and were hunting down Isa ( 3 ) . We heard a cannon , but we didn 't know who 's it was . We had hidden behind such a large rock that no one ever spotted us . We ran towards the cornucopia and grabbed our bags , knowing that we were the last ones here and that the bags would be taken away by the hovercraft again soon . Once we had our bags , we ran back to our cave and settled down . We opened our bags up and they both contained a pair of night - vision glasses and instant relief . We hugged each other , still in shock that we had just gained the two of the most expensive items that the Games could offer . We were down to the final 9 and I knew that I had to start taking risks in order to win . It was early morning , and Katy ( 1 ) was still sleeping . I picked up my trident , took a deep breath , and stuck the trident into Katy 's ( 1 ) chest . BOOM I knew that Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) were the only other tributes in the forest , and I planned on killing both of them so that I would be a step closer towards winning this thing . I knew it would be hard , but it had to be done . Me and Brie ( 7 ) woke up to the sound of a cannon . We hoped that Coral ( 4 ) had been killed because she was our biggest competitor . We were about to eat some bread when all of a sudden a throwing knife landed in our pack of supplies . I looked up and saw Coral ( 4 ) tied to a tree , throwing knives at me and Brie ( 7 ) . I knew that if I threw my spear at her , she couldn 't avoid it because she was tied tightly to the tree she was in . I picked up my spear , aimed it at Coral ( 4 ) and released it . It went flying towards her , and went straight through her stomach . BOOM Her body was covered in blood and it wasn 't a pretty sight . I climbed up the tree and closed my eyes whilst I retrieved my spear . I jumped down from the tree and me and Brie ( 7 ) began to realise that were we the last ones in the forest . Me and Serina ( 10 ) had come up with a plan to kill another tribute . I set up a snare whilst Serina ( 10 ) rubbed posion on a dead animal that we had killed . We put the poisoned animal in the snare and went back into our cave . We peeped through the hole in our cave and saw Asher ( 12 ) walking towards our trap . He took the dead animal from the snare and started roasting it on the fire he had created . After about 5 minutes , he shoved the posioned meat in his mouth and started choking . He gasped for air before his eyes closed and his cannon sounded . BOOM Me and Serina ( 10 ) looked at each other and smiled , knowing that we were so close to the end now . I camoflauged myself on one of the trees that was in the rocky area and waited for a tributw to walk by . I saw Mckenna ( 2 ) walking towards me , and I knew this was my only chance to attack her . I quickly grabbed my blowgun and started shooting darts at her . The first one missed completely , and she soon noticed where I was . I immediately shot another one at her and it landed in her neck , just as she was running at me . BOOM It was a very close shave , but I came out of it alive . It was dark now , and it was time to see who had died today . The girl from 1 appeared first , then the girl from 2 , then the girl from 4 and finally the boy from 12 . Wow , all 3 remaining careers died today , and I was the only boy left in the arena . We woke up and all of a sudden the ground began shaking . Pieces of the arena became falling debris and the ground started collapsing and formed a giant black hole . Me and Gabrielle ( 5 ) grabbed all of our weapons and ran to the field area . When we arrived , we saw Elliot ( 8 ) , Serina ( 10 ) and Berit ( 11 ) all stood in the field area with their weapons . I looked around and the whole arena was an empty field . The forest and the rocky area had disintergrated and the field had taken over the whole arena . The cornucopia was in the center , but it didn 't have any weapons in it . All of a sudden , Claudis Templesmith 's voice came on the loudspeaker . " Hello final 5 tributes ! Before you start fighting to the death , there is something you should know . This year , the tributes of the 173rd Hunger Games have impressed the gamemakers so much that they are allowing 2 victors this year . Yes , that 's right , 2 tributes will become victors this year . But , for the other 3 , you will have fallen at the final hurdle . Good luck , and may the odds be ever in your favour ! " . Everyone immdeiately got into their fighting positions and I knew I was at a disadvantage because I knew that Serina ( 10 ) and Berit ( 11 ) would team up and that Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) would team up . I began shooting my darts as fast as I could , but they weren 't hitting anyone . I had a few darts left when I heard someone running at me from behind . I turned around and saw Brie ( 7 ) charging at me . I started blowing darts at her but they kept missing . I only had one left , and was about to shoot it when Brie ( 7 ) sent a throwing axe straight into my chest . BOOM Elliot just died , and now it was me and Berit ( 11 ) vs Gabrielle ( 5 ) and Brie ( 7 ) . Gabrielle started running at Berit ( 11 ) and Berit began throwing awls at her . The second awl that Berit ( 11 ) threw landed in Gabrielle 's ( 5 ) leg . Gabrielle screamed in pain , and threw at knife at Berit ( 11 ) in anger . It landed in Berit 's stomach , and she had a massive wound . " Use your instant relief ! " I yelled at Berit ( 11 ) . She started looking through her backpack , desperately trying to find her instant relief . Gabrielle ( 5 ) had gotten back up and was advancing towards Berit ( 11 ) with a spear . " Hurry up Berit ! " I yelled . Just as Berit ( 11 ) found her instant relief , Gabrielle ( 5 ) stood over Berit ( 11 ) and sent a spear into her chest , killing her instantly . BOOM " NOOOOO ! " I screamed . My body was raging with anger , and without hesitation , I sent an arrow flying straight into Gabrielle 's ( 5 ) skull . BOOM All of a sudden , Claudius Templesmith 's voice boomed into the arena . " Ladies and Gentleman , I present to you the victors of the 173rd Hunger Games , Brie Stevens of District 7 and Serina Frostswords of District 10 ! " . A hovercraft came over us and took us out of the arena . As we left the arena , I looked at it one last time , thinking of all the chaos that had happened there over the past few days . I saw Elliot , Gabrielle and Berit 's dead corpses all lying on the ground , and then all of a sudden , the hovercraft zoomed off and took us to our chambers . I remember seeing Capitol workers drugging me and sending me to sleep . Then , I woke up , and saw that my cuts and bruises had vanished , and my body had never looked better . My prep team entered the room and started getting me ready for the highlights of the Games and the winner 's interview . I hadn 't seen Serina ( 10 ) since the Games , but we would be seeing each other soon . Serina Frostswords - District 10 Me and Brie ( 7 ) sat down and watched the highlights of the Games . First , they showed the bloodbath , and Brie ( 7 ) killing Tristan ( 11 ) with her axe . Then , they showed a clip of me hunting in the rocky area and the giant boulder rolling towards me , and Berit ( 11 ) warning me to get out of the way just as I dodged the boulder . If it wasn 't for her , I would 've died that day , but instead , I 'm alive and she 's dead . I started to get teary - eyed , but I held the tears back , because there were worse clips to come . They showed brief clips of me and Berit ( 11 ) finding Scott ( 9 ) unconscious and Brie 's ( 7 ) district partner , Tommy ( 7 ) , getting killed by Isa ( 3 ) . Then , they skipped to the feast , and they showed the clip of me sending an arrow into Ordosal 's ( 10 ) neck . I wondered what District 10 would think of me , knowing that I had killed my district partner . Then they showed Brie ( 7 ) and Gabrielle ( 5 ) hunting down Isa ( 3 ) and killing her . They also showed a clip of Brie ( 7 ) and Gabriele ( 5 ) killing Coral ( 4 ) too . I realised how much of an impact Brie ( 7 ) and Gabrielle ( 5 ) had had on these Games , and how I had killed Gabrielle ( 5 ) , the most lethal tribute in the arena . They showed me and Berit ( 11 ) , posioning the animal 's skin and watching Asher ( 12 ) die from it . Then , they showed the final battle . The part that I was dreading . They showed Brie ( 7 ) killing Elliot ( 5 ) with her throwing axe , and then they showed the most awful moment of my life . The moment that Gabrielle ( 5 ) sent a spear into Berit 's ( 11 ) chest whilst she was trying to get her instant relief . They showed me yelling and screaming before sending an arrow into Gabrielle 's ( 5 ) skull . Then , the footage ended , and the screen went dark . The buzzer sounded for a commercial break and I ran off crying into my dressing room . My escort came in and gave me a copy of the Hunger Games Review Book , but I didn 't bother to read it . I simply just skipped through the pages , tore Berit 's picture out and kept it safe with me . She was my best friend , and I lost her . I felt like it was myPost - Games Interview Caesar : So , let 's start with you , Brie . You proved to everyone that you were a strong competitor , and a force to be reckoned with . What do you think it was that helped you get here ? Brie : I couldn 't have done it without Gabrielle . Me and her were both wanting to kill the others so that we could go home . Unfortunately , Gabriellemissed out by one spot , but I am glad to have met her , and she will always be in my heart . Serina : I will never be the same again . After losing Berit , I don 't think I 'll ever find someone as special as her in my entire life . She meant something to me , but to you guys , she was just a piece in your Games . It sickens me that someone as kind and as loving as Berit could just die in an instant for no reason other than people 's pleasure . Caesar : Well congratulations once again to Brie Stevens from District 7 and Serina Frostswords from District 10 ! I hope you enjoyed these Games as much as I did and I am glad to say the the odds were in these young ladies favours . Goodnight , and until next time , goodbye ! I had become a well - known celebrity in District 7 and I enjoyed the luxurious lifestyle that I lived in the victors village with my parents . They had become happy again , and even though they weren 't over my brother 's death , they were glad to have me home . I made regular trips to District 5 and visited Gabrielle 's family every so often . I gave them gifts and brought them things that they could enjoy , and I always thanked them for how loyal and trustworthy Gabrielle was to me . The Games had changed my families life in both good and bad ways , and it had changed my life completely . I would never forget them . I made trips to the Capitol whenever I could so that I could make some money . Obviously I didn 't need the money , but I wanted to thank District 11 for allowing Berit into my life , and I wanted to repay them . I 'd set up a boutique in the Capitol and it had become a popular store for Capitol citizens to visit . The store was decorated with pictures of the most beautiful tribute , inside and out , that the Games had ever seen . All of the Capitol knew who this girl was . She had become a well - known tribute , and even though she didn 't win , she won the heart of Panem . The name of the store ? Berit 's Boutique . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Category : Blog posts Games

One of the things I love about Spring Creek is their warm rolls . They are so divine ! You get one on your plate with your meal and then a hostess walks around with a huge basket filled with warm rolls , carrying a long - handled tongs to keep you well supplied with hot rolls . The rolls are heavenly with butter melted in the middle and are perfect for sopping up the last tidbits of sauces and meat . Of course , Samantha was not hungry . She was just too excited to eat . Before coming the restaurant , her parents had taken her to the animal shelter to pick out a new animal companion , a kitten . They had visited this kitten the week before and he seemed to choose Sammie as much as she was choosing him . He is black and his name is Jinx . She calls him Jinxy Boy . So with all this going on , she was just to excited to sit still and eat anything . Never the less , Courtney split up a roll into pieces and buttered them , then placed them on a napkin in front of Sammie . After awhile she finally sat down and reached for a piece of roll . Immediately she dropped it back down and exclaimed " this bread is wet ! " What it means is that you should realize who is providing for you and show appreciation and gratitude . It can also work against you . If you are in a bad relationship but you have no wherewithal to get away and on your own , you do whatever is necessary to keep the peace and get along , because you know what side your bread is buttered on . But I think Sammie makes a good point as well . This bread is wet ! A person , especially girls and women , needs to be able to butter their own bread ! This idea is called empowerment . In order to empower yourself you will need to realize that you are strong and brave , that you are gifted and talented . Tune into your intuition . If you feel like you do not trust your intuition , practice it . There are many books available on this topic . The main thing is : you already know what you need to know , and if anyone tells you differently then you must be strong enough not to listen ! You have a right to choose the kind of life you want to live . You have a right to choose the teachers in your life . I am not talking about public school here . I am talking about parents , coaches , leaders , friends , parents of friends , counselors , spiritual leaders , ministers , the list goes on . You choose these people yourself . If they do not serve your well - being and growth , make another choice . In the end you become what you choose to be , you become what you think you are . Sammie finally did eat some food . Her daddy bribed her with banana pudding . One bite of meat , then one spoonful of pudding . ( hey , anyone remember a song like this ? Let me know if you do , I am curious to see who comes up with the same answer I am thinking of ! ) Sammie knows who butters her bread . She is too young to butter it herself right now . But she is only three years old . Her parents , grandparents and great - grandparents are in her life because she chose us . We will make sure she learns to butter her own bread . Women , girls , listen closely ! Butter your own bread . Don 't accept wet bread from anyone just because you don 't think you have any other choice ! Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on October 9 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged Birthday , bread , butter , choice , empowerment , family , kitten , pudding , relationship , Sammie , teachers . 1 Comment In 1993 I met Ernest . He was to become my second husband . I had been divorced for about twelve years and my son was just turning fourteen . We were set up to meet each other by mutual friends . I had been told that he had a steady job and made pretty good money , that he was very nice and lived in the same town that I did . My friend gave Ernest my phone number . He called and on that first phone call we talked for 3 hours . It seemed like we had so much in common . We talked every night for a week before actually meeting . Although we liked different music , we weren 't opposed to the music favored by the other . I attended church and he didn 't but he was a believer , he said . I told him I was bi - polar and he told me his sister was too , so he understood . That , to me , was a big bonus . I won 't go into our courtship at this time , it is enough to say that less than a year after meeting , we were married . Less than six months after the wedding the marriage started to fall apart . There had been some red flags before we got married and I missed them . Later I was told by others in my life that they questioned the wisdom of the marriage , but they NEVER said a thing to me . He wanted a child , I really didn 't . He got mugged downtown , and somehow this changed him . He started to behave in a paranoid way . He was possessive and emotionally abusive . He started to complain about my weight . He would drive recklessly when I was in the car . He insisted on always driving . He hated my haircut , and had to go with me when I got my nails done . He stopped trying to get along with my son . I wanted to fix things . I was already in therapy when we met , and he went with me once we decided to get married . At that point the sessions stopped being about me and how to handle being bi - polar . It became about us , or him . Before stopping my birth control , I first stopped my Lithium . I would need at least six months to get that out of my system . I didn 't tell anyone about this except for him , and he didn 't think I needed the medication anyway . It didn 't occur to him that I seemed so well , compared to his sister , because I was medicated ! The first few weeks of being off the Lithium were pretty rocky . My moods were up and down constantly . At the same time , he was trying to handle his emotions about being mugged and his guilt about breaking the cat 's leg . He started spending more time away from home . He said he was staying over night at his best friend 's house . I don 't know , and it doesn 't matter now . At the time , it confused me because I would have never thought of spending a night away from him ! One day while he and my son were gone , I drove myself to the library and parked underground . I just sat there awhile , then I began to write him a letter . It became a suicide note . I cried for a while then drove back home . I kept the note in my purse , but I told him how I was feeling . That I was feeling alone and I wasn 't sure I wanted to live . He called my therapist for advice . I don 't know what was said but he did stay home the rest of the day . At our next therapy session , he told me that he wanted to speak to the therapist alone before we started our session . " Nothing to worry about " , he said . After about thirty minutes he came out and went into another room . I went into my therapist office . He told me what he and Ernest had spoken about . That Ernest wanted to move out , that he wasn 't happy . I freaked . I shouted no very loudly . I told him that if Ernest did this , he would never come back home . He told me that right that moment Ernest was on the phone with my son instructing him to put away all the silverware , knives and medications , out of my reach . He told me that he believed that Ernest just wanted a break , to figure things out , that if I loved him I would let him have this time . Bullshit , I said . I realized at that point that nothing I would say was going to change the situation . I made up my mind then . I went silent , and just sat there until the session was over . When we got home , I very calmly told my son to eat some dinner and I think I gave him a hug . Then I went with my purse and my tea into the bedroom and locked the door . Immediately I swallowed the entire bottle of pills , and it was a pretty full bottle . Ernest tried to open the door and found it was locked , called my name . I just told him I needed to be alone for a bit . He walked away . I called my dad in Tennessee , told him what was going on and asked him to drive down to Texas and pick up my son . We talked a little while , I don 't remember now what was said . After that , I called my best friend who was living in Arkansas at the time , to say goodbye . People say that if you want to commit suicide you don 't tell anyone , that if you do then you really don 't want to die . Well , I did want to die . I just wanted my son to be taken care of and I wanted to say goodbye to my friend . She was too far away to stop me anyway . Suddenly there was a confusion of phone calls . My dad beeped in , so I let go of my friend . While I was on the phone with dad , my therapist beeped in ( my friend had called him ! ) . So I let go of my dad and talked to my therapist . I told him it was too late to do anything now . He asked to speak to Ernest . So , believing it was too late for them to stop me , I opened the door and gave the phone to Ernest . I closed the door , locked it and got into bed . Suddenly there was banging on the door . Ernest demanded I open it . I said no . I was feeling really calm by now . He told me he was going to call 911 if I didn 't open the door . I told him to do whatever he wanted . About five minutes later the door flew open , and there were cops in my room ! They asked me if I had taken something and I said yes . They told me I needed to go to the hospital , and I told them no , I didn 't want to go . I said " Ok then , if you are not going to let me die , I don 't want to be arrested either . " The paramedics came in and got me onto the gurney . I had them stop in the hallway where I could see my son and told him I was sorry , and not to worry . He looked at me with so much love and smiled . On the way there , my heart rate started to drop . I heard the attendant tell the driver to hit the lights and get moving , that my heart was tacky . He then started asking me all kinds of asinine questions . I know he was trying to keep me awake , but I just wanted to rest . Finally we arrived at the hospital and I was rushed into a bay in the ER . An aide came in with a pair of scissors and said he was going to remove my clothes . I pitched another fit and told him hell no , if they were not going to let me die then they were not going to ruin one of my best outfits ! I undressed myself . Suddenly there was Ernest 's angry face inside the door , telling me that he wasn 't taking responsibility for this . He said it over and over . Just as the doctor came to the door I yelled out " This isn 't about you ! This is about me so just go home and get out of my face ! " He left . The doctor came in , introduced herself as the head of the ER , and told me she was sorry that I was suffering so much . She told me she didn 't want to see me suffer anymore than I already had . She just kept talking like that in a calm soft voice and I felt myself calming down . Then she explained that they needed to get the drugs out of my stomach . She explained the two ways this could be done . One way was to pump charcoal into my stomach , wait a bit then pump it out . The other way was for me to drink the charcoal voluntarily and then wait to throw it up . I chose option two . It was nasty , let me tell you . It was the size of a 7 - 11 Big Gulp , grainy and dirty tasting . I swallowed it as fast as I could . Then I waited . It didn 't take long . Someone walked me to the bathroom and left me there with the door closed . I vomited , again and again . And then my bowels wanted to move , again and again . Finally after what was only about ten minutes but seemed like an hour , it all stopped . I washed my face . I opened my mouth and could see that my tongue , teeth and lips were now black . I rinsed and rinsed . It didn 't help much . When I came out , the nurse set me up on a gurney with a saline bag , parked me in the hallway and told me someone from psych would be down to get me . She said I couldn 't go home until I talked to someone there . It was now about 8 PM . I sat there in that hallway until midnight . Sometime during that long wait , I started to pray . I felt so empty , so useless and so very tired . I really did not want to live . I didn 't want another divorce , I didn 't want to raise a teenager on my own , I didn 't want to BE alone . So I prayed to God and told him that if he wanted me to live , he would have to do it for me because I just could not do it anymore . Within seconds I felt filled with peace . I felt this warmth drape over me from head to foot , like a warm blanket . Then other thoughts began to enter my head . Thoughts like " You still have the same job that has always supported you " . " You made it just fine before he came along and you will be just fine without him " . " You aren 't really alone " . I felt so relaxed , I finally fell asleep sitting up . Around midnight they finally took me upstairs . Again , I waited another several hours . I didn 't get to speak to anyone until about 5 AM . By that time , I had this . I knew what to say . I told the resident that I wanted to live and finish raising my son . I told him that if my husband wanted out he could go . I told him I wouldn 't do this again . I promised to see my therapist later that day . At 6 o ' clock I was released . I called Ernest and told him to come and get me right now . He said he would be late for work . I said " So what ? I am still your wife , come and get me this minute . " After he picked me up , I made him get me some breakfast . As we drove into the parking lot at the apartments I saw my son and his girlfriend waiting for the school bus . I waved at them . I knew we would talk about this later . I got out of the car and Ernest went on to work . The doctor at the hospital had made me promise not to be alone that day but Ernest didn 't care about that . So I called his sister and I called my sister . Then I called my parents to tell them I was home and ok . My mother was there , my dad at work . Mom said she was so glad I was ok , that she would have missed me . That short statement meant all the world to me ! My little sister . We didn 't spend much time together because our lives were so different . But here she was with a huge bag of Reece 's peanut butter cups . She climbed into bed with me , asked me to tell her what brought all this on , so we talked and ate chocolate and talked some more and slept . She made me feel normal , calm , ok again . This wasn 't the first time she had come to my rescue and it wouldn 't be the last . I am so grateful I chose her to be part of my family . My son came home from school and we talked awhile . I wanted him to understand how sorry I was to put him through this , but that I had made arrangements for him , so he would not have been alone . I told him that I really was glad to be his mom and I did really want to keep on being his mom . He told me he understood and hugged and hugged me . I went to work the next day , smelling to my self like a litter box because the charcoal was leaking out the pores of my skin . But I went to work . I knew it was important for me to keep busy for the next few weeks . I let Ernest go . For awhile I hoped he would come back . But as I continued in therapy I soon realized the amount of emotional abuse I had been subjected to . I had to learn to deal with that , how not to blame myself for not seeing it . How to talk to my son about it . As I talked to friends and family about the abuse , I found out they all had seen the signs yet never spoke up . I was incredulous about that ! I made them all promise me if they ever saw anything like this again to speak up ! Just think how much could have been avoided ! I don 't blame anyone now . I have gotten past that , so if you are reading this and you are one of the people who had thought about mentioning something but didn 't , please know I am not angry about it . Do I blame Ernest ? I did for years . We never talked about it . Looking back now , I believe he was also suffering from some form of mental illness . I really think I have let it go now . I never went back on the Lithium or the Librium . My spastic colon turned out to be a bad gallbladder . And the Lithium ? That is another story for another day . Don 't let your friends or family die before their time if you can help it . Most times , you can help . Don 't mind your own business . Keep up with what is going on in the lives of your loved ones . Your family and friends . And never threaten to leave your spouse while she / he is depressed . Just don 't do it ! Get her / him help first , get her / him stable again . Wait and see how you feel about things when the storm has passed . I truely hope my story helps you in some way . Don 't give up , there IS more to life than darkness ! Even though that darkness seems permanent and never - ending , I promise you it isn 't . I now have a beautiful granddaughter , and I am glad I am here to enjoy her . My son has grown into a wonderful man , and my daughter - in - law is so precious to me . I shudder when I think of what I might have missed out on ! Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on September 9 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged bi - polar , mental illness , overdose , prevention , suicide . 1 Comment Aug25 The older I get , the more I realize how much healing is needed in our world . I have also learned there are many ways to heal . There is also a difference between healing and being cured . Being cured means that whatever was ailing you has been removed permanently . Being healed can mean the same thing , but it also can mean that you are given the strength and understanding to handle what you find you must endure . For this moment , I am going to write about a healing that also cures . Hugs . Yes , hugs ! Have you ever been hugged so well that you could feel the sadness leave your body ? These are the best kind of hugs ! Someone said that the only jewels you need around your neck are the arms of a child . I find this to be true . No , they don 't come in colors that match your new outfit , and you can 't pawn them for money . But they are priceless beyond compare ! I suffer from major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder . It 's been so long now , that I seem to carry a certain amount of sadness with me every day . Most of the time I don 't notice it , but it 's just under the surface waiting for a trigger . When I first read that comment about the arms of a child , it reminded me of how I feel when I get a hug from my grand - daughter and my son . My son is over 6 feet tall , and I am 5 foot 7 . When he hugs me , his arms go all the way around me and he pulls me up against him . I rest my head on his chest and I can hear his heart beating . I can feel the heat of his body . He will squeeze me , just right , and I can feel myself relax . I usually don 't even realize that I was holding my body tense until that moment . When he is hugging me like that , I feel safe and I realize that all is as it should be . My mind clears and I smile again . When my grand - daughter hugs me , she will tell me that she is going to hug me . This means I am supposed to keep my arms down and let her hug me . It is a gift she is giving to me and I am supposed to just accept it . I find that more than precious ! She is just 3 , and learning how to show love when she feels it . She will wrap her arms around my neck or around my arms , as far as she can . She will stay like that for a minute or two . I can smell her hair , the clean smell of her skin that little children have . More than that , I feel her unconditional love for me , her grandma . It 's all I can do to stay still and let her do this without throwing my arms around her ! But I must , because she wants to give me this gift . So I just close my eyes and soak it up . I can feel a peacefulness come over me like I feel when I am alone with God . Perhaps in that moment of receiving the hug of a child , I am alone with God ! When I want to give her a hug , sometimes she puts her arms around my neck and sometimes she just stands there . She doesn 't resist , so I pull her as close to me as I can . I hold her as tight as I can without hurting her , and feel her heart beating . It is a feeling of life , of energy . The feeling of a connection that I have with no other person on this earth . My sadness and loneliness fade away . There have been other people in my life that had this effect on me . One of the first was my own grandmother . When she would hug me , I could feel her love in the way she pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me . I knew I was her favorite , and I needed to know that . She was there for me with a hug at times when no one else was there for me . I miss her every day . It is her example that I want to emulate with my grand - daughter . Another one who could heal me was my son 's father . He was my first love , and we were pretty young . He was a very tall and muscular man , and his hugs were strong . I felt safe and secure . Again , I could feel his heartbeat , and it was strong and steady . When he was out to sea , I had a cardigan sweater that belonged to him , and I would wear it because it smelled like him and I would feel his hug . But thinking of this makes me sad , because the hugs became fewer and finally stopped . He went away and I was heartbroken for years . Not too long after he left us , I met a man who was older than me by fifteen years . I will write about my relationship with him in another article . He was experienced with hugging . He knew I was a scared young mother , and he knew how lonely I was . He knew just when to hug me . When his arms were around me , I felt accepted as a woman again . It helped me heal from losing my husband to another woman . We were together for many years , off and on , as friends and lovers . He has moved on finally , and I miss his hugs very much . It 's ok , because all is as it should be . Hugs from my girlfriends are different . I don 't rest my head on their chests to hear their heartbeats . But we hold each other tightly , patting each other on the back gently , and look into each others eyes knowingly . When my friends hug me , I know I am part of a larger family . I feel uplifted , I feel believed in . I have one sister , she is two years younger . We have only started hugging again in the past couple of years . We did hug each other a lot when we were very small . As we grew older there were family dynamics at play that caused me to pull away from her . It wasn 't until she went through her second divorce that she realized how much she needed me , and I was able to find a way that I could be her big sister again . We don 't see each other often , but when we do , we hug . We hug hello , we hug goodbye . It is a reassuring type of hug , letting each other know that we are there for the other . I look forward to her hugs . When my son was eighteen , he was arrested . It was Christmas time , and I was frantic and panicked . The first thing I did was drive over to my parents ' house , in tears . I came to them because they had been through the same thing with my brother many times . They both hugged me long and tightly . I could feel the fear leave my body , because their hugs told me that they understood what I was feeling , and that it was all going to be ok . It did turn out ok in the end . Again , everything is as it should be . Even so , the hugs got me through it . I hope that as you read this article , you are thinking about the people in your life that hug you . The people who you hug . What do they feel when you hug them ? I hope they feel loved . I hope that when they hug you , that you feel all the sadness leave your body and in its place you are filled with love . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 25 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged Cure , depression , healing , Hugs , loneliness , Love , sadness . Leave a comment Aug25 I read a story once about a man who caught a caterpillar and put it in a jar with some twigs and leaves . Eventually , as caterpillars do , it made a cocoon around itself . The man watched it as the weeks went by , then one day he noticed a crack in the cocoon . He kept watching it each day , noticing a little progress now and then . At one point the encased butterfly had it legs out through the crack , but after a couple of days more , there seemed to be no further progress . The man couldn 't bear the thought of this butterfly not getting free . He thought about it and came up with an idea . He gently lifted the cocoon out of the jar . Then he found a small sharp knife . Carefully he nipped at the opening in the cocoon until he was able to pull it open with his fingernails . The butterfly crawled out . But . . something wasn 't right . The butterfly did not unfurl its wings and take to flight ! Instead , the wings were damp and withered . The butterfly was forever crippled . You see , the cocoon was designed to be hard to break out of . The struggle required would wipe away the excess moisture and strengthen the tiny muscles of the wings . This was necessary for the wings to unfurl and become strong enough to take the butterfly to the wind . I can relate this story to many times in our human lives . There are times we need to struggle in order to learn something new and useful , or to become an adult , or even to heal a bad injury . But , unlike the butterfly we don 't do these things alone . Usually there is someone to help us , a parent , a teacher , a doctor . The key is to know how much to help , and when to let a person help themselves . Some things we can not do for ourselves at all . When we are infants we can 't even feed ourselves . In the case of breastfeeding , it is an exercise that requires two participants . The mother must make her breast available , but the baby must take the nipple into his mouth and learn to suck . He has to do this on his own , and is born with the instinct to root and suck . This world is full of needy people . Some can 't help it . Some have made unfortunate choices , and some just don 't want to try . We can 't apply the same reason to each of them . They each have their own story . If we are to become a peaceful world , we have to learn when to help and when to let go . If someone is starving , you can 't teach them anything at that moment . They just need to eat and gain strength . Once they have strength , we can 't just walk away and let it go at that . They have to be able to take care of themselves , but you don 't just put a fishing pole in someone 's hands and tell them to fish . You have to teach them how to use the pole , teach them how to attract the fish . They need to learn how to clean the fish and how to cook it . Once they have the knowledge and the tools , they can then take care of themselves . So , who is responsible for doing these things ? Why didn 't their parents teach them how to take care of themselves ? There are so many answers to these questions . Not all the answers are correct . Many people will quote the bible and say " I am not my brother 's keeper " . I would like to remind anyone who wants to say this that it was the murderer who said it first . The truth is , we are the keepers of our brothers and sisters of this planet . The world we live in is full of poverty . Every city has its homeless , but financial poverty isn 't the only kind of poverty there is . There is emotional and spiritual poverty . The thing is , there doesn 't have to be any of this ! There are so many ways to help each other . Even if you are just getting by in your life , you can probably spare a little time each week or month to do volunteer work in a food pantry , nursing home , hospital , hospice , or shelter . There are many kinds of shelters that need help . The first one you may think of is a homeless shelter . But there are shelters for battered women and run away kids , and they need people to spend time with their clients . Doing this kind of work won 't cost you a dime except for the gas or bus fare to get there . You say that in order to just get by , you are already working two maybe three jobs ? Ok , you can still help someone . Don 't throw away your old stuff ! Give your clothes to Goodwill , call the DAV or Salvation Army to pick up your other cast offs . These things will be cleaned up and sold at low - cost to those who don 't have much to spend on clothes or items for the household . When I had a job , I would give a couple of bucks to a man or woman on the street holding a sign asking for anything . I didn 't mind , and I didn 't concern myself with what they might do with the money . It was a couple of bucks , not a fortune . I know there are people in place to help them with finding shelter and getting medical help . The way I see it , they were out there on that particular day because they were hungry . One meal each evening at the homeless shelter is just not enough food . And , some of these people who I would see out there had once held good jobs , like me . I don 't know their story , but I know their need . That is all I need to know to help them . I can 't tell you how many times in my life that I needed some help . Sometimes I just needed to be shown how to help myself , and sometimes I needed something done for me or given to me . Right now , my elderly parents are giving me shelter . My son is paying for my medication and doctor visits . My lawyer is waiting to get paid until Social Security approves my claim . My friends call me and make sure I am ok . My church has helped with my car insurance . The larger society is helping me by making funds available to SNAP so that I can eat . I am using my dad 's laptop to write this blog . I also use it for my online business to try to earn enough money to take care of some of these things on my own . How many of you who are reading this have needed some kind of help in your life , at some time ? I realize this rough patch in my life is happening for a reason . I don 't know what the reason is yet , I hope it is to prepare me for something better than what I had . No one is going to be able to answer this question , and no one is going to be able to help me figure out what I need to do with the rest of my life . I have to find that out on my own , so perhaps this period of my life is helping me to do that . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 25 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged Butterfly , Cocoon , Help , homeless , shelter , SNAP , struggle , volunteer . Leave a comment Aug6 It started sometime when I was in my teens , this dream that I was falling . It was basically the same dream every time . I don 't know why I started to have this dream or where it came from . I started to pray about it , asking God to please make it stop . Each time the dream came it was more frightening that the last time . Not that anything changed , I just felt a more impending doom . I prayed , but the dream still came . In 2000 , I was introduced to the Internet , and I joined a chat room . I met many different people , from every walk of life . I found a home in a chat room for people who liked to explore new age ideas and spiritual phenomena . Finally one day I told them about my dream , and one of the people there told me that it was up to ME to make the dream stop . Me ? How ? I asked . I was told that when the dream came again , to be consciously aware of what was going on , and project my desired outcome . It was a few weeks before that dream came again . When it did , somehow I was able to focus on what was going on . I felt the wind rushing by me as I was falling . I saw the leaves on the trees as I rushed by . I noticed the mountains in the distance and the blue sky above me . I had not thought about what I wanted to happen . Then , just as I was nearing the ground , I spread out my arms and simply said " Fly " and up I swooped ! Up , into the sky and over the trees ! I flew through the air and felt the currents lifting me higher ! Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 6 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged change , dreams , falling , flying , nightmares , praying , self . Leave a comment Aug2 I first published this article on August 7 2014 . I am publishing it again because I want to invite comments , especially from people of color . Comments about your perspective on my story , any thoughts it may bring to mind , any advice on how I can use this experience to be a better person . It is a personal goal of mine to renounce my white privilege . And I have a question . To set up the question , let me share this : When I was working , I had a co - worker who became a very good friend . She is a woman of color . We often ate lunch together . We prayed together . We visited each other 's church . The day came when we had a couple of new co - workers , both people of color . A man in my department , and a woman who was a temp in another department . On another day , I asked my friend if she wanted to go out with me for lunch . She said she was going with the man and the temp . I asked if they minded if I joined them . They moved off and talked about it , and then told me they didn 't mind if I joined them . The entire time we were at the restaurant , there was a feeling of tension . None of us were being ourselves . Even my friend seemed to put distance between the two of us . I tried to make conversation but it just stayed trivial . I felt out of place , and that they didn 't really want me there . I felt that they felt they could not be themselves around me . So here is my question , what could I have done differently to put us all at ease with one another ? Please think about this question as you read the rest of this article , and then leave a comment or 2 or 3 . I really appreciate and value the feedback ! I was born in the South in 1959 . I am a white middle - aged female , and grew up in a middle class family . For most of my childhood all my friends were white . My grandma and my aunt used the " N " word regularly . I was taught , however , not to use that word . Even though my surroundings consisted of mostly white people , I was taught that all people were equal in the eyes of God . That whatever color someone 's skin was , they were still a child of God . I accepted this , I believed it . In grade school , my favorite books to read were biographies of famous African - American people . Harriet Tubman , Rosa Parks , Martin Luther King Jr . and many others . I felt a movement in my heart for their cause . I realized it was OUR cause . I felt shame that my country had ever used people as slaves . Even though that supposedly wasn 't happening anymore , I could not get over the fact that it HAD happened . I couldn 't get over the fact that it took a war to end it , and even then the discrimination did not end . Really , it still hasn 't . We all know this . As I entered my teen years we were living in California . I was exposed to some people of color . Most were in my church , and I loved them . They loved me . We were family because we belonged to the same church and believed the same things . Later we moved to Oregon , and once again everyone at church was white . The only African - Americans I came into contact with were at my high school , there was some gang activity going on from all sides and I just tried to avoid it . It wasn 't their color I told myself , it was the violence and the way they treated me as a young woman . Once I became an adult and entered the work force , I had the opportunity to work with many different people . I loved getting to know them , especially if they had grown up in another country . I wanted to know all about their cultures . I welcomed the friendships . I took steps to help them move up into better positions wherever I was working if that was what they wanted . In 1981 I moved back to Texas . In 1989 I took a position at a family owned company in a town that had a very mixed population . At this company on the day I started , there was only ONE African - American employee . She was the clerk in the department I was assigned to . Most of the factory workers were Hispanic , and there were a few women among them . Sandra and I became good friends , we helped each other out at work and we lunched together often . I got to know about her kids , she was raising three boys on her own . She got to know about my child , I was raising one boy on my own . We talked about all sorts of things . We celebrated our birthdays together because the dates were within a few days of each other and because we were friends . I met her mother , I met her best friend , I met her boys , her first grandchild . I went to two funerals with her . She met my parents , my son . She came to my church when I was ordained . One day , I went to a new salon for a haircut and style . This white woman who styled my hair made a complete mess of it . I tried for a few days to handle it but I became so frustrated and pretty angry . I have always been particular about how my hair looked . I was so angry I jumped in the car and started driving around looking for another salon where I might get someone to " fix " the mess on my head . It was late on a Saturday afternoon and a lot of the places I drove by were closed . But there was one place that I found open . It was called " It 's Your Hair " . Sounded pretty good to me . I parked and walked over to the doors . When I stepped in , all I saw in there were black faces ! I realized I has just walked into a salon that catered to African - American clients . I just stood there , I didn 't know what to do . I was afraid that if I just turned around and left , they would think I was a racist white woman . ME ? Racist ? That wasn 't how I was raised or how I knew myself ! Why was I feeling this way ? Really ? ? All these thoughts flew through my mind in a matter of seconds . They were all staring at me , not saying anything either . I really did feel out of place . Then one woman stepped up and asked if she could help me . I snapped out of my stupor and instantly decided that the thing to do was to give it a shot . I asked her if there was someone there who could " fix this mess on my head " . She gave me a big sweet smile and said of course they could do that for me . She led me over to a chair where a young man stood waiting and she turned me over to him . We talked politely while he worked on me and I was surprised that he did a very good job . Not that I didn 't think he was qualified , I realized . But I was surprised that I had wondered if a black person would be trained on how to style " white " hair ! OMG ! Maybe I am a racist I thought ! I maintained my composure , until I got my debit card out . Then the woman told me they accepted cash only . I wondered if she said that because I was white . And for that I felt ashamed . Of course it wasn 't that , any business owner can decide how they want to be paid . I explained that I would have to go across the street to the ATM and bring back the cash . I promised profusely that I would be right back . She just smiled at me again and said ok . Ten minutes later I was back with the cash and a good tip . The woman thanked me and said that the others didn 't think I was coming back . My My , maybe I wasn 't the only one with hidden feelings of racism ! ? I didn 't have to think about this again until 9 - 11 . By then I had made some Persian friends . The first thing I did was call them and make sure they were ok . Not that they were in New York or any of the other places that were hit , I was concerned that they might be suffering due to their ethnicity . But that day back when I needed my hair restyled , I learned something . You can say you are not a racist , you can make friends with all kinds of people , you can go out of your way to help a person no matter what color they are or what religion they practice . But you don 't really really know what you are until you are put to the test , face to face with making a choice between your own comfort and the dignity of someone else . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 2 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged African - American , discrimination , Friends , Hispanic , Racism , South , white . 1 Comment I am having some trouble getting my thoughts together on this . I have made some notes , and I know it will come together any day now . Contemplation has reminded me of being a single parent , and what kind of " seeds " I did or did not plant in my son . I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to instill in him a sense of spirituality as I understand it . I was too busy making a living for us , dealing with a mental illness ( will write about that later ) and just making sure he got what he needed from the school . He is dyslexic you see , and it was a battle getting him what he needed in order to learn . And he also has always had a high IQ , and this made him question EVERYTHING , even the teachers at school had to really be on their toes and he would know if you were giving some BS answer . Anyway , I feel a bit guilty that I did not get him to church as much when he was a teen , or to camp . In my life , having that made a difference . I wanted that for him , but our family dynamic was so much different . I was never prepared to be a parent much less a single parent and no help from his father . I must say though , he is a fine adult , a great husband and a doting father . He has found his own brand of spirituality and it is still evolving . I know the Creator that I believe in is watching over him and his family . He does let me take Sammie to church when I have her , and she loves it . In addition to that I read to her from her toddler 's bible and other bible story books . Right now she is fascinated with Angels , and she likes for me to sing to her about Jesus . I want to make up for what I didn 't do with my son , by doing it with Sammie . The thing is , it 's all different now . When my son was a child , I did believe the Bible was factually true and that Jesus HAD to die for my sins to be forgiven . Over the past 10 years , my beliefs have changed . I now accept the Bible as an important book , as scripture , but not literal . I tend to give more attention to the gospels and take the rest as metaphor . I do believe in Jesus as a divine being , a part of God , perhaps actually as God , but I think he died for may other reasons . I focus on the resurrection instead . I don 't believe in sin , I believe that the choices and mistakes that we make in this life are part of our learning process . And what is it we are here to learn anyway ? I believe the answer to that is love . It is all about love . Nothing else really matters but that . And this is what I want to get across to Sammie as she grows up . That she is made of love , that there is a spark of the divine within her and in all people . That we and God and nature and the earth and the universe are One . I wonder how her life will turn out if she is allowed to grow up believing in these things , and being allowed to find her own way to a spiritual life . I imagine a peaceful mind and a loving approach to life for her . If I can help her find this , I will be satisfied that indeed … . she has helped me and I have helped her , as she told me it would be . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on July 9 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged Angels , Jesus , Love , Sammie , Seeds , spirituality . 2 Comments john pavlovitzStuff That Needs To Be SaidSpiritual Formation CenterAWAKENING TO THE DIVINE PRESENCE IN THE WORLD Jan Stone Writes OnFollow my writing journeymysticheartblogWhat Matters MostHoly Soupwith Thom Schultzjohn pavlovitzStuff That Needs To Be Saidmadukovich 's cogitationsIgnorance is BlissuniquelifeviewsBooks and reviews with a little sassInnovative Ink1950 Memories of Suburban AdventuresMostly humorous stories with Buddha - like observationsDances With FatLife , Liberty , and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size DependentConnect | Engage | InspireHerald Magazine - - a Community of Christ publicationDaily BreadA daily discipline from Community of ChristSwinging From GrapevinesKristen LambAuthor , Blogger , Social Media JediCR Hodges , AuthorTales of Valkyries and Martians , ghosts and kitsune , were - coyotes and neodymium lasers . Not all at the same time , thankfully . " And another thing . . . " Please check out my other sites under Links , and " follow " each one to get notifications of new content . Scroll to the bottom for a list of categories . Joyce 's JournalOne day at a timeThis Is What I Know . . . what i am is what we areWomen Making StridesBe a Leader in Your Own Life

This little guy made me cry … My husband and I have to move , and we 've been going through our stuff , hauling things we don 't use any more to Value Village and the like , boxing other things , et cetera . It 's a long , boring , tiring process . It is also sometimes grueling emotionally . I 've always been someone who cries easily - tear jerker moments in books , movies , or TV shows always get me , for instance . There 's an old idiom I don 't hear very much that captures it well : " I cry at card tricks . " There are a lot of moments while packing things when I find myself a bit surprised at the emotions things evokes . One reason is because we just have a lot of stuff so that every book case in the house as shelves where there is a second row of books behind the books you can see . And it isn 't just books that have been put away like that . So I keep finding things that I haven 't looked it in a long time and were hung onto for sentimental reasons . My late husband Ray passed away 20 years and 5 months ago . It wasn 't a surprise , and yet it was . Almost four years previously doctors said he probably had less than two years to live , you see . There had been so many doctor visits & tests , then surgery and chemo and more tests and so forth . But , like that line from a Buffy the Vampire episode , when Tara is asked , regarding the death of her mother , " Was it sudden ? " she answers , " No . And yes . It 's always sudden . " It was mid - November when he died , and everything in my memory for the next gets a bit jumbled from that moment when they turned off the breathing machine through the next few months . There are some moments that stand out for different reasons . One day probably right around the beginning of February , not quite 3 months after Ray died , I walked into the grocery store that 's a few blocks from our place . I had grabbed a hand basket rather than a cart , because I was only planning to pick up a few things . Just inside the door they used to have this sort of miniature gift shop ? It had a small variety of greeting cards for many occasions , some gift bags , and a few tiny toys , trinkets , and / or small plushies . The sort of thing you could grab as a last minute present because you didn 't have time to go elsewhere . I was walking past this thing when something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention . I stopped , glanced over , and there was this cute little stuffed brown mouse holding a red heart . I picked it up , a warm feeling washing over me with the thought , " This would be perfect as a little surprise Valentine 's present for Ray ! " The sort of thing I would attach to the outside of a gift - wrapped box with something bigger in it . Before the thought had completely articulated itself in my head , I crashed right into the recollection that Ray was dead and I wouldn 't be sharing any of our usual Valentine 's Day activities with him . It wasn 't the first time that I had that particular momentary internal dissonance . Those moments were among the worst : for a second I would forget that he was dead , and have a normal thought about something I would tell him when I got home for instance , then the realization , which was a shattering moment reliving that first wave of grief when the doctors convinced me that Ray was brain dead and I needed to let him go . It really felt as if I had lost him again . And then , a moment after that , an equally devastating stab of guilt - how could I possibly forget that he was dead ? So there I was , standing in the grocery store suddenly sobbing my eyes out . And when I say standing that 's being generous because I had to lean against something to keep myself upright for a minute . A complete stranger asked if I was all right , and I shook my head , then nodded my head and managed to stammer out something about " I 'll be okay in a second . " Ray 's current resting place . Ray 's ashes are in an urn that has been resting on a shelf in one of the bookcases in my current living room for 20 years , 4 months , and 2 weeks . The urn is attended / guarded by three of his tigers , two of his teddy bears , and the little mouse that had me sobbing in the store three months after his death . This is just one of the reasons I don 't want to move . This was the last place Ray lived . Of the three homes we shared , this was the first that he really loved ( because when we first got together we were both coming out of messy break - ups that left us both in bad financial shape , so we first lived in a really crappy studio , and I was still digging myself out of the previous relationship 's debts a few years later , so we moved to a slightly less crappy 1 bedroom , before finding this place ) . Ray loved having a yard , even though it was very small , and being in a neighborhood that felt much more like a small town than part of a city . I know that we shouldn 't get too attached to things . And life is about change . I 've lived in the same place for a long time , maybe too long . And we 're never completely ready for change when it comes . Even though Michael and I have known that this was likely to happen since September , and that it was definitely going to happen since December , it still feels like it 's too soon . It 's not sudden , but … In December 1991 Ray and I were spending our first Christmas living in our own place . It was a tiny studio apartment whose windows overlooked an alley behind a bar . I was in the middle of getting divorced . Ray had had a recent significant job change that was complicated by the involvement of one of his exes . So we were both broke and most of our personal property was at least temporarily in someone else 's custody . His mom or his sister had given us a small artificial Christmas tree that had been boxed up in a garage for some time . Ray came up with a few old strings of Christmas lights somewhere . We had bought a single box of very cheap glass ball ornaments in multiple colors , and a similarly cheap tinsel star tree - topper with a cluster of lights . So we had the small tree perched on a chest of drawers . It 's the kind of first Christmas stories lots of couples tell . One of the things I really liked about that silly star treetopper is that it looked exactly like one my parents had bought when I was a baby , and had been my childhood treetopper until sometime in grade school when they replaced it with an angel . One weekend a couple weeks before Christmas , we helped one of Ray 's friends , Miss Lee . She was an older woman that Ray had met when he had worked as a nursing aide a few years before . She had only recently moved from a nursing kind of facility to a sort of assisted living apartment . It was the first time in years that she had had more than a single room of her own , and she had recently gotten a bunch of her things that had been in storage at a relative 's house , including a box of Christmas ornaments . She had been told she could have a tree and that the maintenance staff would take care of disposing of cut trees after the holiday . So she needed someone with a car to take her to buy a tree , and then help her set it up . Miss Lee lived in the south end of Seattle , not far from one location of the former Seattle institution known as Chubby and Tubby . Chubby and Tubby started as an army surplus store run out of a tin shed in the Rainier Valley neighborhood of Seattle by two friends after they came home from serving in WWII . They moved to a bigger location in Rainier Valley in the mid - 50s , then opened at least two other stores ( the one in north Seattle being the one I shopped at most often ) , before the owners passed away , then eventually their heirs sold the locations and closed down the stores in 2003 . Chubby and Tubby was a strange store that 's really hard to describe . They sold blue jeans and tennis shoes and fishing poles and tools and gardening things and … well , just a whole lot of weird stuff . Always cheap . And every December , each Chubby and Tubby store offered Christmas trees for sale , cheaper than you could find them anywhere else . In the 80s and 90s the price was alway $ 5 a tree , no matter what size . I 've talked to people who remembered during the 70s when Chubby and Tubby trees were only $ 3 . The owners sold the trees at a loss . They said they wanted to make sure that people who couldn 't afford a Christmas tree could have one . The trees were usually Douglas Firs , and they were … well , they were never very symmetrical . They were never as scraggly as the proverbial Charlie Brown Christmas tree , but they were always unique . I had purchased at least a couple of Chubby and Tubby trees in the years before this particular December . We hadn 't bought one ourselves that year in part because I didn 't think we 'd be able to dispose of it easily afterward . Also , the loaned artificial tree was even cheaper . Anyway , Miss Lee wanted a Chubby and Tubby tree , in part because she had fond memories of getting trees from Chubby and Tubby when she was younger , but also because you can 't beat the price . Before we 'd gone to the store , we had untangled her strings of very old lights and determined that at least one of them was probably a fire hazard and shouldn 't be used . So she also hoped to find a cheap string of lights or two at Chubby and Tubby as well . It was less than two weeks until Christmas , and Chubby and Tubby was absolutely packed . It took Miss Lee a while to pick out her tree , mostly because she wanted one small enough to fit in the spot she 'd chosen in her living room . And then there were strings of lights and ornaments to look at . There was one particular string of Christmas lights that Ray was very taken with . A string of a couple dozen lights with plastic teddy bears wearing Santa hats . It was at Chubby and Tubby , so it was cheap , but even cheap was out of our own budget at the time . Miss Lee wanted something simpler , with multicolored lights for her own tree . She offered to buy Ray the string of Teddy Bears , but he told her very firmly no . At each check - out line they had a bucket of odd little brass keys . There was a contest . Every customer could pick a key out of the bucket , and then try the key on this Treasure Chest at the front of the store . If the key opened the chest , you 'd get a gift certificate good for certain items in the store . Miss Lee told Ray to pick a key and give it a try . The key he picked unlocked the chest . Ray asked her what she wanted to use the gift certificate for , and Miss Lee said , " It yours . " We got the tree back to her place , got it set up , helped her put her lights on the tree and hang her ornaments . She told us little stories about each ornament as she unwrapped them . It was a fun day . When we got home that night , Ray hung up the teddy bear lights in the window over our bed . That silly string of teddy bear lights hung either in windows or on our tree every Christmas for the rest of Ray 's life . Ray died mid - November of 1997 , not quite six years after that first Christmas living together . For Christmas 1997 I barely did any decorating . Ray had only been dead a few weeks at the time we would normally start pulling decorations from the basement . I knew if I started unpacking our ornaments and such I 'd break down sobbing and I wasn 't sure I would stop . I barely felt brave enough to open the storage closet in the basement to pull out one of the smaller artificial trees that I knew I could get to without opening other boxes . I decorated using some ornaments and a string of lights Ray had purchased on sale somewhere a week or so before he died , thus they were already upstairs and they didn 't have a history of Christmases with him . In 1998 , as I unpacked boxes of ornaments , I broke down crying several times . Ray had loved Christmas so much , and so many of the ornaments evoked memories of when he had found that particular decoration and showed it to me in the store . Or times he had fussed with where to hang it to best show it off , et cetera . Yes , one of the times I broke down was when I pulled the teddy bear santa lights from one of the boxes . I hung them in the bedroom window that year . The next several years I put the teddy bear lights up . At least once on the tree , but usually in one of the windows . The last few years I 've gotten them out and looked at them , debating whether I should put them up . They 're more than 20 years old . At some point old electronics , even something as simple as strings of mini lights , break down and / or become fire hazards . So I would plug them in , look them over , and some years I 'd decide to put them back in the box . But most years I have still hung them up . Our building , which was the last home Ray lived in and has been my home for a bit over 20 years , has been sold and the new owners want to do major renovations . They 've given us advance notice that everyone 's going to be evicted sometime before 2017 year is over . So this was my last Christmas in the place that was Ray 's last home . I 've been … moodier than usual this holiday . I put the teddy bear lights in the kitchen window . Every evening they turned on and shown their silly light until the wee hours of the morning . I checked them frequently , but they never showed signs of problems . While we were packing things and taking the tree down , I was looking at all of our decorations with a critical eye . If we have to move , it would be silly to move old ornaments and lights we know we 're never going to use again . I now have a couple of big boxes of old light strings and the like to recycle , and a big pile of other decorations that I think are in good enough shape to donate , if I can find a place that will take them . And those teddy bear lights ( or at least the string itself ) shouldn 't be used again . No one wants the lights to start a fire some December in the future . So its time to says good - bye to Ray 's teddy bear lights . 25 Christmases later , they 've earned a rest . I don 't remember if I cried again . My last chronologically - in - order memory is taking hold of his hand that one last time . My memories for the next few months are like the shards of a thoroughly shattered stained glass window . My friend Kristin recently sent me this picture saying , " How I like to remember Ray . " This was a trip we all took to the beach . He 's prepping his kite for launch . He promised me he would stay with me for the rest of his life . He was 25 years old , so not really a boy , but then I was only 29 . I wasn 't completely out of the closet , yet . I regularly went dancing at a gay country bar , and I had just started singing with a newly formed lesbian & gay chorus , so I wasn 't deeply closeted , either . But as far as I knew at the time , other than one cousin none of my family knew I was gay . And only a few of my long - term friends knew . Ray and I met online on a gay BBS system , and after lots of chatting over several weeks , had finally agreed to meet at a restaurant . I had trouble finding him , because he forgot to tell me that he 'd recently dyed his hair . I wasn 't looking for a redhead . I suspected he was a keeper when I saw the small bookcase beside his bed . I knew he was a keeper when we talked about one particular worn hardback . Not because of which book it was , but because he had a favorite book that he re - read several times a year . And talking about it made him start talking very animatedly about a lot of his other favorite books . We 'd been officially dating for a few months when he first told me that he liked to write . He hadn 't mentioned it before because I earned my living as a technical writer , and while my fiction had mostly been published in small , non - paying ' zines , he was a little nervous about showing me his work . Turned out he 'd never shown anyone his writing before . He had a bit of an inferiority complex about his education : he 'd dropped out of high school after his father died to go to work to help his mom support his younger siblings . He had since gotten his GED and taken some community college classes , but he wasn 't confident in his writing skills . I asked him if he wanted my honest opinion . I admit I was a bit nervous , too . What if I hated his work and couldn 't hide it ? Fortunately , the first story he showed me wasn 't bad . It needed work . But he was happy to receive critiques and borrow some of my books about the writing process . He kept working at it . Revising , writing , reading . He started occasionally sharing his work with other people . He even managed to get a couple of stories published in small ' zines . Then he got sick . When the doctors first told us he had two years or less to live , I refused to believe it . I was certain we were going to beat this . For the next few years there were lots of tests , treatments , a few scary visits to the ER , and then chemotherapy . One night just over three years after they had told us he had less than two years to live ( seven years and three months after our first date ) he had a seizure and fell into a coma . I spent the next several days sitting beside his bed in an intensive care unit , waiting for him to wake up . But it wasn 't to be . During the weeks afterward I went through his things , with help from his mother and sister . In the cabinet under the night table on his side of the bed , inside an envelope that said , " No Peeking ! " I found a small package wrapped with Christmas paper , with a gift tag that said , " To Gene , Love Ray . " I didn 't open it . But the package was the size of a paperback book . And in another envelope in the same cabinet were two identical copies of a paperback anthology , along with some correspondence from the editor of the anthology . He had sold two short stories that were included in that anthology . He 'd sold them the year before , and had received copies of the book nine months before he died . And he 'd never said a word to me about it . He 'd wanted it to be a surprise . He had a deadline for another anthology with the same editor coming up . I couldn 't figure out which of the stories he had on his computer he had intended to submit . I wrote to the editor and explained that Ray had died . The editor sent a very thoughtful condolence note back . Ray had made his first professional fiction sale - two stories ! - a mere six years after shyly admitting he was afraid to show his work to other people , but didn 't tell me because he wanted to see the expression on my face when I opened the package Christmas morning . I wish I 'd known . I wish I 'd been able to tell him how proud I was of him . I wish I 'd been able to grab a Sharpie , hold the book out to him , and ask for his autograph . Make no mistake , I love my husband , Michael . Every time I see his smile , I feel like the luckiest man in world . But I loved Ray , too . I miss him . I wish he had lived to see the repeal of Don 't Ask , Don 't Tell , to see the citizens of our state vote to give same - sex couples the right to marry , to see the Supreme Court overturn the Defense of Marriage Act , and of course to see that same court make marriage equality the law of the land . This week Michael and I are going through our things , hauling stuff to Goodwill and so forth . We 're both packrats from long lines of packrats , so we have to do these purges every year or so . I tend to hang onto things , and I get overly sentimental over a lot of those things . I had a couple of rough moments Monday . One was when I came across the book with Ray 's stories on a shelf . Another was when I was pulling plushies from another shelf and found a small , peach - colored Teddy Bear . Only a few weeks after we started dating , Ray had to fly to Georgia for a business obligation . He picked up the teddy bear for me and a coffee mug for himself in a souvenir shop . Yes , 26 years later , I still have the " Georgia On My Mind " mug , and I still think of it as Ray 's mug . Ray unpacking after we moved into our second apartment . If he 'd lived , today would have been Ray 's 52nd birthday . That 's right , our birthdays were only two days apart . We usually wound up celebrating both birthdays together with his family , and then would celebrate just the two of us on our actual birthdays . I assume that that is the reason that I start getting a bit depressed and moody every September . I can 't think about my birthday coming up without thinking about his birthday that we don 't get to celebrate . A bud from a branch I had to trim off one of our roses late last week has finally started to bloom ( © Gene Breshears ) When Ray and I moved to Ballard 20 years ago , I 'm not sure I would have believed you if you 'd told me I 'd still live here two decades later . We had stayed in our previous two apartments less than three years each , for one thing . And Ray had been given an estimate of two years left to live about 19 months prior to the move . Not that I believed it , mind you . I refused to accept that he wasn 't going to get better , somehow . For one thing , I was older . I was the one who had chronic medical conditions when we met . So I was convinced that it would be him who outlived me . The previous two places we had lived had not had any sort of yard . They were like the archetypical city apartment , in that regard . So when we 'd found a place with a small lawn and a couple of flower beds that would be ours , Ray had been ecstatic . Particularly since there was already a rose bush in one of the beds . The rose had clearly been there a for many years , with the thickest cans being nearly three inches thick . When we moved in in February , the rose was just leafing out , with no sign of buds , yet . But it wasn 't long before enormous red roses were appearing on it . We took some pictures and shared with friends who knew a bit more about roses . More than one person guessed it was a Mr . Lincoln , a fairly well - known red rose . Later that summer , when I was digging down deep around the roots of the red rose ( we were trying to excise wild deadly nightshade , which grows as a weed up here ) , that I found the original stamped metal tag that had come with the rose whenever it had been planted , which identified it as a Patrician . It 's a red rose that was specifically bred to emulate a Mr . Lincoln , though it is supposed to be a bit hardier . That same spring Ray came home from a shopping trip one day with a new rose to plant at the other end of the same bed . It was labeled a Maid of Honor , which was not a rose I had heard of . I learned much later that the name Maid of Honor does not represent a recognized cultivar of a rose , but is rather a name that sounds like it ought to be a real rose breed which gets slapped on various pink or yellow roses sold be , shall we say , less than scrupulous distributors . We didn 't know that , at the time . We planted it , took care of it , and we were both a little shocked at just how quickly it sent canes shooting up for the sky . We would get these enormous pink blooms , often in clusters above the eaves . The next spring I remember quite clearly one Friday finding a new cane that had grown to about 8 inches in length . By the next Friday , that same cane was more than 6 feet tall . Ray died before our Maid of Honor reached its third spring . Another rose that we found that same year , a pale lavender rose whose labeled breed I have forgotten , lived only a couple more years after Ray did . But the Maid of Honor , and the original Patrician , continued to go strong . A couple of years ago , I apparently got too aggressive at trimming the Maid of Honor , because the the root stock started sending even more rapidly growing canes up . Roses don 't breed true via seed , so when you buy one at a nursery , what you get are several canes grafted off of an original ( or more likely , a graft of a graft of a graft … et cetera … of an original ) and onto a hardier breed of rose . Usually a wild rose or tea rose . So if you get new shoots from the root ball , they are a different kind of rose , altogether . Our building is getting painted right now , and I 've been having to trim both the white and pink branches multiple times because the rose keeps getting up around the eaves or into the porch railing . Late last week I trimmed a new tall branch , and it had a single bud near the end . So I trimmed it some more and stuck in in the vase where I had some flowers ( some that I had bought myself , and some that friends brought over when they heard the news about my dad ) . I don 't remember if I cried again . My last chronologically - in - order memory is taking hold of his hand that one last time . My memories for the next few months are just fragments - bits and pieces of time scattered through a fog of bewilderment . Ray unpacking after we moved into our second apartment . If Ray had lived , today would be his fiftieth birthday . Unfortunately , Ray died when he was 33 . I try to maintain a good perspective on it . A bit more than three years before , the doctors had said he had maybe 6 months to 2 years to live . He 'd beaten their expectations . It hadn 't been pleasant for him . There had been surgery , chemotherapy , and various side effects of various drugs . When we 'd met , he 'd been this tall , thin ( skinny , really ) grinning goofball with a mop of curly hair usually died in multiple colors . As his illness had destroyed his lung tissue and caused painful lesions to erupt on his bones , making movement ever more difficult and painful , he 'd gained weight and lost all that manic energy . The chemo didn 't make all of his hair fall out , but it got very , very thin , and he hated how it looked . The pain had slaved his sleep schedule to his pain pills . During that last year he would take his pain pills , wait for them to kick in enough to let him sleep for a couple of hours , then wake up and try to occupy himself for about four hours until he could take his next dose , sleep for two more hours , wake up and wait , et cetera . It took a few minutes to get the story out of him . He 'd been on his way out of a store , and he stopped to hold the door open for someone . Another person ran by on the sidewalk , bumping into Ray and knocking his shopping bag to the ground , which was followed immediately by the sound of breaking glass . Ray had just purchased some sort of glass sculpture . I don 't know what it was of . All Ray would tell me that it was " beautiful , just beautiful . " But it had been smashed to a million pieces , he said . I asked him what store it had been , so I could go buy him another one . But that just set him off worse , because it had been a present for me . He repeated how beautiful it was , and that he couldn 't afford to buy another one , and the person who had caused it to be smashed hadn 't even stopped to say he was sorry . Nothing I could say or do made him feel better . And there was nothing anyone could do at that point . If we were living in a Lifetime movie , maybe the person who had knocked the bag from his hands and kept running , waving dismissively when Ray called out , would have encountered us again , and there would have been some kind of amends making . But we don 't live in Lifetime movies . Sometimes bad things happen , and we just have to live with them . Ray got over it . Life went on . It begins a few weeks back when we were having a mini heat wave . We 'd had enough hot days ( for our climate ) in a row that we 'd decided to put the window fans up . During the summer we have mounted window fans running in the kitchen , the computer room , and the bedroom . Depending on which side of the house and what time of day it is , they 'll be either blowing fresh air in , or blowing hot air out . So the second day the fans were going , I found a print on the floor . It 's a large piece of art our friend , Sky , made a few years ago . It 's a reclining courtesan in a green and blue kimono . It isn 't mounted in a heavy frame , it 's just matted . It 's 18 inches by 22 inches , so it isn 't a huge life - size portrait , but it 's large . It hangs in our bedroom on the south wall . After I confirmed that Michael hadn 't taken it down for some reason , I decided that it must have been knocked down by the wind . We had fans in the window on a thermostat , and we 'd forgotten to turn off the standing fan when we left for work in the morning . It had been a little windy that day . I figured there must have been some inopportune gusts of wind that knocked it off . Then this week , I found something else on the floor . In exactly the same spot the picture had landed . A resin " sculpture , " about 10 inches tall , which had been on a shelf about a foot below the picture . Ray had given me the sculpture about a year after we moved in together . It 's an odd thing : a fairy tale castle built impossibly on a pair of rock spires coming up out of the ocean . At the time Ray gave it to me , I think he said that it reminded him of something I 'd written . I didn 't remember writing about that sort of castle , but I write both sci fi and fantasy , and I tended to talk to him a lot about ideas I hadn 't yet turned into a story , so maybe it was something in one of those . But this gets us to the part of the earlier incident that I could never tell him . Ray and I had very different tastes in decorating . We both tended to like very different kinds of kitsch ( and yeah , sometimes my tastes are extremely kitschy ) . So when he said the glass sculpture which I never got to see was " beautiful , " I knew that there was more than a slim chance that I might have thought it hideous . This resin thing isn 't hideous , but it 's not the sort of thing I would have ever bought myself . Even for only a quarter at a garage sale . So , even with his explanation that it reminded him of something I wrote , I didn 't quite understand why he thought I would like it . I haven 't kept every knick knack and tchotchke Ray ever got me . His family members asked me for some of them to remember him by . I gave a few others away to friends who expressed an interest . One particular friend , Kats , suggested when I was agonizing , about a year after Ray died , over a bunch of things that I really didn 't like but couldn 't bear to just toss , that I mail them to her ( since she 's as much of a packrat as I am ) . She said she would find them good homes . We both knew that she would probably toss most of them , and that she was prepared to lie to me if need be about how she 'd kept them all . But sometimes you need a little help deluding yourself when you 're being irrational . This castle , though , I kept . I can 't really say why , because I don 't like it for itself . Neither do I dislike it . It 's just every time I look at it , I think of Ray trying to explain to me how it reminded him of stuff I wrote . Ultimately , it reminds me of the journey we both went through trying to learn to understand each other better . So when I found it on the floor , broken in several places , I was more than a bit annoyed . Also , confused . I had an explanation for the picture falling down two weeks ago . This was something else . It 's too heavy to have been blown over , at least inside the house . The only other thing I found disturbed was a small plush Tigger that had been near it on the shelf . And one of the fragments that broke off was embedded , at a really weird angle , into the wooden bedstead . If it fell off the shelf , bouncing off the bedstead is almost a certainty , but it just looked odd . We don 't live in a house , but rather a triplex . On the other side of that wall is the neighbor 's kitchen . A previous tenant had a tendency to slam the cupboards a lot , and sometimes it would make the pictures shake on our side . I haven 't heard anything like that with the couple that have lived there the last few years , but if it 's happening at a time of day when we 're not around , I wouldn 't hear it , would I ? It would be simple enough to glue the castle back together if I could find all the pieces , but I can 't . On the other hand , it 's just a silly tchotchke which , truth be told , I haven 't looked at at all in the last several years except when I decide to clean up that end of the bedroom . It 's just a thing , not a person . I should just get over it and move on . I don 't remember if I cried again . My last chronologically - in - order memory is taking hold of his hand that one last time . My memories for the next few months are like a collection of shattered glass pictures . I 've loved reading for as long as I can remember . I write fantasy , science fiction , mystery , and nonfiction . I publish an anthropomorphic sci - fi / space opera literary fanzine . I attend and work on the staff for several anthropormorphics , anime , and science fiction conventions . I live in Seattle with my wonderful husband , still completely amazed that he puts up with me at all . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

felt on edge , a decidedly untypical feeling for him , well until recently that is . Since he 'd been turned he seemed to be edgy about everything which Logan told him was common with new turns . Right now Logan was on the phone chatting with Audrey as they made plans for their He wasn 't sure ; something was wearing at his nerves like crazy but he hadn 't been able to identify it . Yet . It was as if something was in the air . He stood in his room , the window open to the fresh , chilly breezes and for a moment he could have sworn he scented his wife . Or at least what he thought her scent would be since he 'd been turned . He missed her , so damn much . Yes , he technically saw her each and every day but he needed to hold her in his arms , to reassure them both that their love could survive anything . Logan was a good sire and Clark appreciated getting to learn new things about his brother , but damn , he needed out of here . So far Logan adamantly refused to let him try to be around a human for fear of what would happen . if he could do it ? She only had two weeks before her due date and it looked like she 'd make it that far the doctor said . And that was another thing , he needed to be with her at the appointments so he understood more about what was going to happen . LA when Beth was born . Hell , he hadn 't even known Dorothy was pregnant . They 'd all kept it a secret from him for fear that he 'd go a little bit crazy . She stopped writing to him and wouldn 't accept the call he tried to made her when he was stationed in Germany . When he finally got leave and came home Beth had already been born . She 'd stolen his heart immediately but Dorothy wouldn 't talk about anything , wouldn 't even see him . She said she wasn 't mad at him and denied that she was seeing anyone else , but he was past the point of believing that babies were found under cabbage leaves . His friends all said that she hadn 't been seen with anyone else and it drove him nuts , wondering who the apparently absent father of that adorable baby girl was . no pride that he would be willing to settle for someone else 's leftovers but he didn 't look at it like that . He 'd left , he 'd left her alone and missing him and she 'd evidently turned to someone else . Or so his way . The main house was lit up tonight , much more than usual but it was the scents that made him pay attention . There seemed to be a pervasive air of … was it pain , or sadness ? Something was wrong , he knew it . He could still hear Logan on the phone in the living room . He headed to the back door , just to step outside for a little fresh air . The breeze was brisk out by their small pool , blowing from the direction of the main house . Yes , something was definitely wrong up there . He could smell the distress but also there seemed to be a wave of something like , well , he wasn 't sure . It wasn 't a scent he was familiar with . Like , maybe like , heartache , loss , he couldn 't be sure . Then it hit him , someone had died , he was sure of it and fear clutched at his heart so strongly that had he been human he would have died . Oh God , please , no one I know ! Not my family ! What if Dorothy had lost the babies ? Without thinking he headed to the His wife , his mate . She was sitting on the couch next to Lani , holding her as the young girl cried . Beth was there too , so they were both okay . But Lani wasn 't . He pulled in the scents , of vampires and the human scent of blood and for a moment it pulled him towards it but he fought hard to resist the urge . The blood , sweet , warm … alive . He could control the need , the emotions , he kept repeating that thought like a mantra . Through the window he could even see the blood pulsing in Lani 's neck and it was almost hypnotic for him , He continued to gaze into the window at his wife , his heart and body aching for her and suddenly she looked out the window and saw him . He took a step closer , almost touching the window all the while sending her every bit of love and support that he could . Her eyes remained locked with his until he stepped back away , sinking into the shadows of the night and blending into the landscape . His family was safe , but he knew that someone in Lani 's world wasn 't . The hardest thing he 'd ever done was to turn and walk away . He felt as if he were magnetically being pulled towards his love but it wasn 't time yet and he could feel it . Halfway back to the guest house he found Logan , running wildly towards him . I knew something was wrong . I was so afraid that Dorothy or the babies … " he said , his words trailing off in the chilly night air . " They 're fine , but something is wrong with Lani . " " You went up to the house ? " Logan said , a tone of panic making the words sound shrill to Clarks sensitive ears . " Yes , I had to see , Logan . I need to get back to the house and have some blood . " understood immediately what had happened , that Clark had realized that he wasn 't ready to be around humans yet . He felt so terrible for his brother , for his fledgling . He put his arm around Clarks shoulders and said , " Yes , let 's go . Josef just called , Lani 's dad was murdered last night , Clark . By the same person who attacked you , Martin Parker . " killed his own brother ? I wish I would have killed that bastard years ago , Logan . That day before right before I went into the army , I could have . Oh my God , his own brother ? Not that Marcus was any prize as far a moment she was afraid she was seeing things , that her eyes were playing tricks on her and yet , she knew that wasn 't it at all . He 'd been there , outside the window , staring at her . First her heart had nearly stopped and then it beat so rapidly that Beth cast her a concerned look . She gave her daughter a slight smile and tried to focus would be hard to find peace with , not to even mention the fact that it was her uncle that did it . Lani seemed to feel guilty about her relationship with her father and Dorothy could understand that . Still , when all was said and done , regardless of your relationship , dealing with the death of a parent was a horrible tragedy . Lani 's feelings for him were so complicated ; she hated what he 'd done , to her mother , to her " There 's got to be a connection between Clark 's attack and Marcus ' murder . But what ? " Beth asked , frowning as she thought about it . " Mom , you grew up with Martin and Marcus , were they close ? " don 't know , really . I mean , Marcus was 6 years older than me so I never really knew him . I mean , he was around sometimes , summer and holidays I seem to remember but I don 't know how he got along with his brother . " Mick watched Dorothy as she spoke and he knew that she was telling the truth , up to a point . She was leaving things out , he 'd bet on it . But why ? Was she trying to protect someone and if so , who ? they get along with Clark ? " Mick asked and heard Dorothy 's heart jump and then pound . A glance at Beth told him that she 'd heard it too . well it wasn 't really my story to tell , you know ? The good thing was that Martin spent his last year of school in a military academy somewhere . Without Clark there heaven only knows what would have happened to Logan . " what her mom could have been like back then . She knew she was pretty , but what did she do ? What music did she listen to ? Did she and her friends get into trouble , like she had with Robbi and Lani ? It suddenly in her mother 's life . Whatever it was didn 't turn Clark away from her obviously . What exactly was the story ? Who the hell was her father ? little while later Beth followed Dorothy and Vaygar home to gather the overnight bag for her and Mick . It had been decided that they would still stay with Clark and Dorothy would stay home so that Jackie could meet Clark . There wasn 't anything else that could be done for Lani tonight . Rest was the best thing for her ; that and Josef screening her calls as her mother had called twice , demanding that Lani be woke up because she needed to talk to her . After he discovered that all she wanted was to whine ( his opinion ) he refused to wake Lani . Mick was concerned about Beth ; were any of them safe now ? There was definitely a connection but he didn 't know what it was . At the last minute he decided to follow Beth so that they could ride back to Josef 's to have to accept it . The connection , what was it ? He tapped at the steering wheel of the Benz as he drove , focused on the question but no answers came to him , save one that he didn 't want to believe . " I agree ; we can 't be too cautious in this matter . Until we know that she 's safe I intend to make sure she is protected at all times , whether she is thrilled with the idea or not . So you think what happened today is related to Clark 's attack ? " " Yes , that too but I believe there has got to be a connection between what happened to Clark and now Lani 's father . I 'm going to talk to Clark tonight , but it 's just too much of a coincidence . And Dorothy seems to be the connecting factor to all of this . " hope you 're right , but my gut tells me that there is a lot more to it . Dorothy said that Martin used to pick on Logan and Clark stood up for him but what , " Mick paused for a moment , hesitant to finish his sentence . " What if Dorothy was a catalyst ? That the rivalry was actually about her ? Dorothy had Beth after Clark was in the army , Vaygar . " fool of a brother had kept $ 165 , 000 in the safe and enough jewelry to at least double that amount . He 'd have to find someone to unload the jewelry with and maybe it would be safer to remove the stones and sell them and the settings separately , he wasn 't sure . He used to know a guy two years ago . He 'd had a stroke of good luck , seeing him in Bernalillo that day . They could be twins and the old fool didn 't have any family either . He followed him for a few days and saw that he had definitely gotten lucky - due to a serious injury a few years before Vinton collected disability insurance and farmed out his land . Nothing to do but sit back and collect the rewards . Not that there was a lot of money , but he got by okay . So , he just slipped into Vinton 's life , learning to write like he did , to talk like he did and if anyone suspected that he was impersonating him , well , they never said anything to him . He took it from Vinton 's address book that they ole boy didn 't have much in the way of a social life or friends . Martin knew that for a fact because trying to strike up a friendship with him had been harder than meeting the queen . Now his fortunes had changed again ; money , lots of it with more to come . Yeah , it wasn 't a windfall exactly , but it was enough to keep him going for awhile , enough to support him and Dorothy after he got rid of that baby she was carrying . First he had to find the bitch . and then back again . She wasn 't there , he could tell , so where the hell was she ? She had to be at that daughter of hers place , but it was hard to know for sure . He headed the Taurus in the direction of downtown to drive by the apartment building where her daughter lived . As he got close he slipped a baseball cap onto his neatly cut hair , liking the super - short cut . He turned into the parking garage and slowed down to take a look at the cars parked in the visitors spaces . There ! He spotted it , her Lexus , sleek and silver and undoubtedly a gift from Clark Griffin . He idled for a moment and then saw someone walking to him so he put the car into gear and started to move forward . of your damn business ; they 're not here anyway . Now get the hell out of my way , " Martin yelled , easing forward on the gas . " MOVE ! " he was dead as he raced out of the parking garage . He knew where she was , where she was most likely staying . He 'd get to her , somehow . He wasn 't sure exactly how yet , but he 'd figure it out . OOOOOOOOOOOO He listened and headed out the door at a run , signaling Mick to follow him . " Madigan was run over , downstairs . I 'm going down the stairwell , " he said as he opened the door and leapt over the side railing . Mick followed and a moment later they were downstairs and at Madigan 's side . Rose got there a minute later having taken the elevator . Madigan was a mess , covered in blood with a bone sticking out of his thigh . " Son of a bitch ! " Vaygar exclaimed and then shut his mouth quickly as he saw Rose enter the garage at a run . Mustn 't speak such words when ladies were present he reminded himself . bent to examine Madigan 's leg and let out a long breath as she checked it out . " Sorry , Maddy , but this is going to hurt . I have to put it back into place so it can heal properly . " held his shoulders and Rose tugged and twisted and the bone snapped back into place . Madigan let out a howl that was followed by a curse and earned a severe look from Vaygar . He looked down sheepishly , knowing how Vaygar felt about such language in front of ladies . Rose There were six of them staying in that apartment with Brody and Mick knew he needed to find more space for them . There was an apartment that was going to be vacant on the 10th floor soon and he planned on converting it for their use . He knew that they were pretty cramped where they were . sir , I think so . He had a different car though and his hair is short now . This guy had a ball cap on but he was stopped by Mrs . Griffin 's car and when he saw me he got ready to leave . I told him to stop and he doors to the elevator opened and Vonn and Rueben stepped out , ready to take their posts . Vaygar filled them in on what had happened and both listened carefully . " He won 't get back in here again , Vaygar . " Both men nodded solemnly and watched as the group headed to the elevator . Their comrade Madigan looked like hell and both of the men prayed that the bastard would come back . They 'd take care of him ! Beth , and tell him I love him . " She tried to keep her emotions under control but there was a curious scent to her when she talked about him and Beth couldn 't figure out what was causing it . Her mother just seemed to have a glow about her . then . Is this the bag ? " he asked , nodding to the obvious bag that was sitting on the floor by the door . " Stupid question , huh ? " he laughed . Beth grinned and said , " Well , aren 't you the smart boy ? Come on , genius , let 's go ! Mom , see you in the morning . " and Rose both took a plate of lasagna and went to sit at the table to eat . " This is really good , Dorothy . Your mother 's recipe ? " more like my grandmothers or maybe even older than that . A family tradition , " she said with a smile . " When you were human , did you have things like that ? " guess is a good way to describe it . Not that there wasn 't ' recipes ' , there were , but more like roasted meat , fruit or vegetables . Those were Mick doesn 't , but I think that 's changing . He has so much potential and the things he will learn and be able to do will win him over . " Rose wiped her mouth and hands with a napkin and continued on . " Look , Dorothy , anytime there is something wonderful , there is jealousy by others . Jealousy can make people do terrible things . When it was discovered early on that if we turned someone , they didn 't possess our gifts , it sparked hatred and rage . The only way to have our gifts is by being a birth descendant and many people didn 't like that . So , they turned the gift to something dark and evil . That made it powerful , in all the worst ways and the evil was prolific as well . " reason for that was simple ; people should have a choice whether or not to accept the gift . The world seemed a much smaller place then , Dorothy . The enormity , the extent of the world and its inhabitants now was pretty much incomprehensible at that time . " As she spoke the last words Dorothy thought that Rose looked very sad . to study , as will Beth and Lani and your mates . There is much to learn , but there is a method to doing that . Please , you must accept that . " " Alright , I am very curious , but I understand . I 'll try to stop asking so many questions , " she said with a smile . She stood up and picked up their empty plates and carried them into the kitchen , with " Here , let me load the dishwasher . Jackie should be here soon so you can go boot the computer if you like . You are going to Skype with Clark aren 't you ? " could have been worse , Rose realized . He could undoubtedly scent the human blood and yet he didn 't try to attack , an excellent sign . They needed to get him socialized quickly because from her opinion of Dorothy 's pregnancy , the babies were dropping , moving towards station zero so there wouldn 't be too much longer before the births . She licked nodded , understanding that . " Dorothy , he 'll be ready by the time of your delivery . They are working towards that , you much understand that . " a little . I just have this ominous feeling , in the pit of my stomach about it . There is a black cloud hanging over us and I can feel it . It 's … it 's in the air . " Hi Everyone ! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday ! Things were very hectic here and might be for a while still but I wanted you to know a couple of things . I now have a Twitter account , Hopesjourney226 so if you have a Twitter account you might check in . From time to time I 'll be posting clues and information about the story ! You can also get info on my Facebook page , Cyndy Klein Hodge ! I 'd love to see you at either or both places ! ! her mom tight and held her for a moment , scenting the distress that Dorothy was trying to hide . " Are you sure you 're okay with Rose being here with you ? I could have Lani and Josef come instead , you know ? " be silly . I 'll be fine . Actually , I 'm not sure why you feel like I need someone here at all because Vaygar has his men everywhere ! On the roof ? Good grief , that man is going to drive me nuts . I keep looking around every time I take a shower , positive that someone is hiding in the linen closet ! And don 't forget that Jackie is coming over to chat with Clark on Skype , so he can meet her . " The last words were said with a It was heartbreaking to see her mom hurting so much ; Beth knew how it would feel if Mick couldn 't be with her and she was sure it was the same for her mom . Dorothy tried to be positive about it all but Beth could see that deep down she was miserable . Which made her feel more guilty for going with Mick tonight . It wasn 't so much that she needed to be with Mick as it was that she wanted to see her dad , a purely selfish move on her part . She paused a moment in her packing , lightly chewing her bottom lip as she thought about the situation . " Mom , I think I will stay home . I know you 're fine and that you will be fine , but I just don 't feel right about leaving you here . " " You will go ! ! I 'm right here and I 'm fine ! Yes , I miss him with all my heart , Beth but he 's there , cut off from his world , struggling to get himself and his emotions under control . He needs to see you ! He needs the familiar , loving touch of his family , Beth . How dare you deny him that ! " The vehemence of Dorothy 's words startled Beth . She 'd been so focused on how her mother was feeling that she 'd forgotten what her dad must be going through . She remembered how lonely she 'd felt at times when they were in Seattle . Not that Mick wasn 't wonderful to be with but she 'd missed the people in her life , the people she cared about and sometimes the phone just wasn 't enough . " You 're right , Mom . I was so focused on you that " Thank you , Beth . That means a lot to me , but it will mean even more to him . He is so lonely , honey . I 'm very worried about him . " Beth understood what her mom was saying but she also knew that her dad was okay basically . He wasn 't in any physical danger but they didn 't know for sure whether or not that was true for her mom . Each day Mick felt more strongly that Dorothy could be in danger and he welcomed the help of Vaygar and his men . " Lani , I 'm sorry , but you have a visitor and I think you should speak with him , " Heloise said . Her first thought was that something was wrong with Josef , even though she knew that was ridiculous . " Who is it , Heloise ? " " There was a break in at your parents house last night . I 'm afraid your father has been killed . Lani , I 'm so sorry . " wasn 't there apparently . She 's on her way back to LA from Palm Springs . The housekeeper found your dad this morning when she came to work . Lani , would you like me to call someone ? Beth , Josef ? " nodded , wishing she could breathe . She tried to pull air into her lungs but they weren 't working . The next thing she knew she felt a light - headed sensation take over and she sat back the chair , trying to suck in gulps of air . Heroku and Cami came into the office and Lani went to sit on the couch , her eyes filling with tears as Cami sat down next to her and gave her a hug , telling her it would be fine , trying to reassure her friend . It took less than 15 minutes for Josef to get there and as soon as he saw her his heart broke . He scooped her up into his arms and held her close , murmuring soothing words to her and trying to calm her down . Heroku and Cami left the office and Carl sat by nervously , waiting to see if there were more questions . " It happened sometime last evening , ME puts time of death around 11 pm . He was stabbed , multiple times . " He watched Mick 's expression carefully to see open and empty . We think that Marcus Parker opened it himself because there was no damage to it and no fingerprints other than his . Luka is there on the scene while they process the crime scene for as much information as they can gather . Her mom wasn 't there , no one but Marcus Josef nodded tersely and went back to the couch . " Lani , I 'm taking you home Sweetness . Beth , would you like to come with us ? " " I know I don 't have to but I need to . I can sometimes see things that you can 't Mick . It won 't delay me too much . Let 's go . " couldn 't say or think a single decent thing about Marcus Parker . Growing up he 'd been a cruel bastard with a brutal streak . He 'd finally the morgue when Guillermo pulled the cover off of Marcus Parkers body and waves of fear and anger rolled off of it . It hit Beth in the gut and she sucked in a deep breath , almost doubled over with the pain and lost in the moment he 'd died . She saw him on the floor , trying to fight those eyes , they same eyes behind the mask of the man who had attacked her dad . She looked at his face , trying to remember it so she could describe it . There was something familiar about it , but she couldn 't think , this close to Marcus ' body . She was right there , she could scent opened her eyes and tried to step away only to realize that Mick was holding her up . His beautiful eyes were watching her with love and concern . She tried to give him a smile but knew it was impossible . nodded , agreeing with her . " Come on , Beth . Let 's go sit down and you can tell us what you saw . Guillermo , can we use your office ? " swallowed hard , trying to get herself under control . It was so vivid , so graphic . Hate and brutality tainted the scene , washing over it in a dirty rush and she 'd picked up every bit of it . This was a crime of passion , not just some random burglary . This guy knew Marcus . If so , what was the connection to Clark ? of what you saw , baby . It was a pretty wicked scene . " He looked into her blue eyes that were so full of pain and distress and he wanted to be worry about that later . If he 's the same guy that attacked Clark I doubt if the police will be involved . " He looked at Mick who nodded . They both knew exactly what would happen if they found the guy . was frantic ; she needed to be with Lani ; she loved her and wanted to support her . But going to the mansion had risks ; she 'd be so close to Clark and yet wouldn 't be able to see him . How hard would that be ? Could she control her need to see her husband ? She had to , she had to be there for Lani . She picked up the phone and then realized how senseless that was ; instead she walked out into the hallway , under the watchful eyes of one of Vaygar 's men and knocked on the door of Brody 's apartment which was functioning as Vaygar 's base of operations . opened the door with a smile and a slight bow . " Knock it off , Vaygar ! Don 't you ever stop ? " she asked , irritation in her voice . " I need to go " Oh course , mila … um , Dorothy , " he said , checking himself before the ' milady ' came out . For some reason the genteel courtesy irritated her . He couldn 't help but wonder if it was due to the late stage of her confinement . Who was he kidding he realized , there was nothing ' confined ' about this woman . " Might I ask why ? " " You may , but I don 't have to tell you ! " she said in a bit of defiance . At his worried look she felt contrite and added , " Lani , her father has been killed . I need to go and be with her . She 's like my daughter . Please , can we go quickly ? " check . " Yes , it will but sometimes we have to put aside our personal feelings . Lani needs me . I 'm strong , I can do this . " " To be sure , you are quite strong , Dorothy . Please , it 's chilly out so do gather your cloak and then we 'll go . I 'll take you personally . " you , Vaygar . " Her words were quietly spoken and deeply felt . She had such a big heart he knew and for a moment he thought about how lucky a man Clark Griffin was to be wedded to such a woman . worked with Sergeant Edie Petrowski at the composite computer for an hour , trying out different chins and face shapes and such . While the face was vividly implanted into her mind she found that actually describing him was a bit tough . As the picture began to take shape Mick Carl pull up the DL picture of Vinton McCullough . " You 're right , it 's close , but somewhat different . Eyes for one thing and look at the nose , that 's different too . " Carl printed it out and they kept it with them when they went back to the composite computer but didn 't show it to Beth . When Beth felt the picture was done she stared at it , more convinced than ever that she knew this man . Sergeant Petrowski printed it out and asked if Carl wanted a BOLO put out on it . " No , right now we 're not even sure if this is the guy we want . But thanks , Edie . Can I take the picture ? " If he thought that it would bring Lani comfort he 'd move her in , lock , stock and barrel , but that wasn 't the case . Lani and her mother would have to work together for the funeral arrangements but he hoped that her exposure to that miserable woman would be limited to that . He knew for a fact , from Ryder 's investigation into the Parker 's finances that she 'd be well - taken care of so at least he wouldn 't have to deal with that . " Dorothy , " he said , taking her hand and then hugging her lightly . He could feel her tremble and knew that this was very hard for her . " Thank you for coming . Lani is in the den and I know she 'll be happy to see you . It means so much . Would you like some tea or juice ? " " No , thank you , Josef . I 'll just go and see Lani now . " got his meaning and shook his head no and then looked around the foyer with interest . Opulent and yet it wasn 't austere feeling at all . He followed Josef down a hallway into a very comfortable and warm room , both in temperature and detail . It was large , with plush leather books and many of them were extremely rare , Vaygar realized . A fireplace crackled quietly in the background , the flames low more as a visual comfort than for warmth . Dorothy was already sitting on one of the couches , holding Lani tightly as she cried , stroking her hair and patting her back . Quiet words of comfort where murmured into her ear but they mattered not at this point . The child had just lost a parent and that was never an easy burden . Franklin hovered in the doorway , completely unsure as to what to do . He cared about Miss Lani with all his old heart and he 'd do anything to take this pain from her and lift her spirits . It had been centuries since he 'd lost someone he 'd been connected to , in the human world and the memories were vague at best . Josef cast him a sympathetic look as he sipped a glass of scotch near the fireplace . His look said it all , there was nothing to do at the moment . Dorothy finally got Lani calmed down a bit and sat with her arm protectively around her . Josef remembered the night that Beth had been turned and Lani 's grief , how Dorothy had done the same thing . That was the night that he 'd decided that Dorothy Griffin was an amazing woman ; she shared her love openly and freely . nodded and reached out and laid her hand on the usually stoic vampires arm . " I know , Franklin . We 'll get her through this though . I saw who did it ; now all we have to do is find him . It was the same man who attacked my dad . " " You 're sure , Miss Beth ? " Franklin knew that she possessed some very accurate skills when scenting a scene . Josef had remarked on it a number times . He said there was no getting around the fact that she was always dead on . He hoped that this was the case this time . He nodded and said , " They are in the den ; your mother is here as well . May I get you something to drink ? " If she was shocked by the news that her mother was here she didn 't show it . Actually , she 'd expected it and was even glad for Lani 's sake . She smiled at Franklin again as both she and Mick declined his offer . He looked lost ; his way of helping was action and yet there was nothing for him to do . He led them down the hall to the den and Beth immediately went to Lani and her mom , while Mick joined Josef and Vaygar by the mantle . He accepted a scotch from Josef and sipped slowly , watching the Josef sipped pensively , quietly but Mick saw the deadly look in his eye . They spoke quietly , in vamp tones and he filled Mick in on the situation with Lani 's mother . Mick was also filled with a sense of outrage because of that callous , spoiled woman . Yes , he knew the story now , from Beth about Lani 's upbringing but this was a situation where she needed to worry about her daughter and show a little who did it and it was the same guy who attacked Clark . We have a composite of him and she is sure she 's seen him in the past . " Lani was wiping her eyes and took a sip of some water that Franklin had brought in . She was pale , ghastly pale and Josef was glad she wasn 't crying any longer ; that was good . " Lani , Sweetness , Beth saw who did it . She has a picture of him . It was the same man who attacked Clark . We 're going to find him and take care of him , I promise you , " Josef said and watched as curiosity sparked in her eyes for a moment . that true , Beth ? You saw him , in … in your mind ? " Lani wasn 't exactly sure how it worked but she knew that Beth was good at it . did . We did a composite picture of him and I swear I know him from somewhere . Unfortunately , I don 't know where , " she said with a frown . " Do you want to see ? " saw the picture as well and her worst nightmare had just came to knock on her door . Her first fears , after Clark had been attacked all came rushing back and she knew that she was going to have to tell her story now . She had to tell Clark the truth first though , he deserved it . She what he 'd said in the past . Having Vaygar and his men around was a comforting thing because she had the babies to think of now . Her eyes closed tightly for a moment and she took a deep , steadying breath . Lani said , " That 's my uncle Martin . Of course you know him but it 's been a number of years . Yes , definitely it 's my uncle Martin . "

My father woke me up early one morning and dropped a pack on the foot of my bed . " Come on , son . It 's time I took you to meet the Masters . " I dressed hurriedly and scooped up the meat pie mother had laid out for me . Father was already putting on his coat . I looked at my two sisters . They watched me with their big blue eyes . I was only twelve , but they were younger . Harvest was over , so I wouldn 't be missed too much during the winter , but what if I ended up being gone much longer ? " Father , you need me . " " We 'll get by , " he said . He had made up his mind and I didn 't push it . It took us three days to reach the cave of the Masters . Father collected an armload of dry sticks before entering the dark mouth of the cave . We built a small fire in a ring of stones we found just inside , but we weren 't to have much rest . They appeared at the edge of our firelight almost before it was going good . Two of them were pretty much what I expected , older men with generous amounts of gray in their hair , but the third one was quite surprising . He was only a few inches taller than I was and really quite delicate by comparison . I 'm sure if we were to compare hands , mine would be twice as thick as his . He had to be an off - worlder . Father had told me and my sisters many stories about the family that had lived in the village where he had grown up . I was just wondering where he could have gotten that surprising shock of red hair when my father stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders . The red - haired little man stepped through the fire as if it didn 't exist . He had his hand out as if he were going to pull my father 's arms away . I didn 't expect what happened next and I tried to back away , but my father was a solid wall at my back . A heavy stone knife materialized in the little man 's hand and he slid it into my chest , into my heart . The horrendous burning stab of fire robbed me of breath to cry out and I clung to my father 's arms for support . The little man stepped aside and looked behind himPosted by I woke again and gazed up at the glowing blue orb suspended over my resting place . I was beginning to hate that orb . Why wouldn 't they just let me die ? I heard a stirring at my side and closed my eyes again . " Come and have something to eat , Steven . He 'll wake up soon enough . " I listened to the retreating footsteps until they were out of hearing and then I left . Once again , I didn 't have a destination ; I just flung myself out across the surface of the planet . From there I began my search . It was early fall . The basilisks would be aggressive as they search for enough food to sustain their bulk through the winter when hunting was hardest . I wanted a big one and I wouldn 't be satisfied until I found the biggest one on the planet . It took me four and a half days to find one I considered big enough . I didn 't sleep or eat . I hadn 't drawn energy either . I did nothing to sustain myself . Only my determination kept me on my feet . Then , there it was . It would have put a semi - truck to shame with its size , and it was only a single rise away from a herd of baston . I put myself on that rise . Behind me , the baston ran off at my appearance . The basilisk was hungry ; they are always hungry . I just stood there and watched the monster come . Suddenly there was a lithe figure standing in front of me , between me and my goal . She turned around and faced me . " I won 't let you do this . " It was Patricia standing there . The basilisk was going to be on her in seconds . I teleported forward and scooped her out of danger . " I have to do this . Stay back , " I told her as I set her down out of harm 's way . I turned back to the basilisk , but she snagged my arm . " I won 't let you . " I teleported away from her grip and back to the fangs I was seeking to impale myself upon . She was there in front of me again . This time she was only inches away from that gaping , fang - filled mouth . Once again , I pulled her out of harm 's way . She clung to me . Her gentle voice directed my magic the way she used to so long ago and I couldn 't hPosted by It was almost a month before I woke again . I reached up and felt the scar across my eye . I could tell that the bruising had healed and the stitches had been removed long ago . " Well , so the sleeper finally wakes . How do you feel ? " I looked at the woman who stood over me now and searched for an answer to her question while she took my pulse . " All right , I guess . How long have I been sleeping ? What happened to my face ? " " You 've been sleeping for twenty - three days now , and you took forty - two stitches in your face when you fell . Don 't worry ; there won 't be much of a scar . You just lie still now and I 'll go tell the doctor you 're awake . " I lay there and stared at the ceiling . I thought about the thing I had done . It had been mindless and uncalled for . I wondered how many of them had died simply because they had shot at the most dangerous thing in the room . The doctor came in then and saw my serious expression . He rested a comforting hand on my arm . " The emperor and his family are fine . Captain Wilson is fine too , all because of you . You did a very brave thing . " I harrumphed . " I laid waste to an entire company of Imperial High Guard . There was nothing brave about it . " " But if it weren 't for you , our beloved emperor could well be dead now , " said the doctor . I threw the covers aside and sat up on the edge of the bed . " The emperor was protected . I didn 't have to do what I did . I 've become too dangerous . " I dressed myself and left the room slinging my sword belt around my waist . I had no destination in mind , but my feet kept leading me upward . Eventually , I stepped out onto the roof where the emperor kept his private lighter . Rain pounded down and I turned my face up to it . Brian caught up to me before I reached the door to the control room . " Where are you going ? " " Nowhere , this place will do . " I opened the door . " Move the lighter to another landing field and take everyone with you , " I said to the crew inside . To their credit , they looked to their captain for confirmatPosted by The emperor 's private quarters were still keyed to my name , but it had been so long that I had nearly forgotten about it , so I was startled awake late one night to hear Connor 's voice raised in desperation . " Liam would never let such a thing happen . Send for the doctor right now . " " Yes my lord , immediately , " said another voice . " What happened , Connor ? " I asked . " Who 's that ? Liam is that you ? Where are you ? " asked Connor . " Yeah , it 's me . What happened ? " I asked again . " Someone managed to get a letter - bomb in here past the guards . Dad 's hurt real bad . " I extended my magic across the light years and found the emperor lying , shaking in his son 's arms . It only took a little more energy and he was resting quietly . " Let the doctor clean him up . He 'll be all right now . " " Thank you , Liam . You have no idea how much this means to me . " " I can hear it in your voice . " I expanded my awareness and tried to figure out how this had happened and discovered that no alarm had been sounded . I sealed the emperor 's apartment and went to my mother . " Mother , I have to go to the capital . I 'll be in touch . " " All right dear , I 'll ready a ship . " I was gone before she finished the sentence . It was foolish , but if I could do it once , I could do it again . I was never so glad for a carpet as my knees met it hard . I was shaking from cold , but I struggled to throw it off as I heard Connor 's voice again . " Liam , how did you get here ? " " Where 's your mother ? Are your sisters still here in the apartment ? " I asked . " Yes , father insisted . He says that it 's easier for the guards to protect us if we 're not all scattered out . " " Good , I need something to eat . " I crawled over to the emperor . He was beginning to come around . I wiped the blood away and helped him sit up . " Get your family together in an inner chamber of this apartment . Your security has been compromised . " I leaned against the wall as Connor helped his father further into the apartment , then I closed my eyePosted by When I felt recovered enough , I went with my mother back to Cambay . With the exception of the gold streak across the floor , all traces of my first visit had been wiped away , and to finish the job , I replaced that streak , and the rest of the floor , with a shiny black marble that my mother oohed and aahed over . I returned the gold to the treasury , which had been depleted what with the hunt for corruption , especially since such corruption didn 't feed it any more . Of course , I got involved with the security here even more than I ever did while working for the emperor . There , all that had been asked of me was to protect the emperor from assassination no matter the form . Here , I poked around and made sure the men were doing all they could to ensure my family 's safety . They were good and they were loyal . According to the logs , very few assassination attempts had made it inside the palace doors and that record had improved over the years . Mother tried to involve me in the government . After all , I was expected to be the next baron . I tried very hard , but it was like putting on a shirt of thorns ; I was very uncomfortable with it . It was my duty though , and I hadn 't stood at the emperor 's shoulder and learned nothing . I constructed a private office along much the same lines and began to lay in the infrastructure that made it all possible . It took a couple years , but eventually , I had spies and eyes in almost every place that concerned us , which included every bureaucratic office here on Cambay and other planets in our district , as well as every other great house in the empire . My magic was very handy in that . They wouldn 't be finding any mechanical bugs or cameras of mine . I bought a small shuttle , and when my thorny shirt dug too deeply , I would go out into orbit and spend some magic where no one would notice . Most all that I did was turn off the life support and meditate . Cambay didn 't have a moon so I couldn 't construct a small chamber in its core to use , but this worked well enough . A rain dance can be verPosted by I was awakened by the sound of a gentle argument outside my room . " Let him sleep , Victoria . He 's not well , " said my mom . " But grandma , he said I was supposed to wake him this morning . He told me to ; you heard him . " " He needs to get up and start moving around , " said another voice further away , I think it was Oskan . Mom must have resigned herself to being out voted because my daughter came bounding into the room . " Daddy , its morning ; wake up , daddy . " I pretended to remain sleeping and I watched her come closer with my magic . She started to pull my blanket back in order to see my face better . " Daddy ? " I could hear the tremulous disappointment in her voice . I quickly snaked my arm out from under the blanket and scooped her giggling , wiggling form in beside me where I began to tickle her , which wrung helpless shrieks of laughter from her . " What is this bug I 've found in my bed ? I think I 'll have to throw it out the door . " I got up and slung her under my arm heading for the door . " Daddy , I 'm not a bug . " I walked past the smiling faces of the others in my living room toward the hallway that led outside . " Daddy , it 's me , " she protested with giggles while she pulled at my arm . I took a few more steps . She began to wriggle a little harder . " Daddy , it 's me , Victoria . " I stopped . " What ? " I said as if I was surprised . " Well , what do you know ? It 's not a bug after all . I could have sworn I had a bed bug . What did you do with the bug ? " I turned her upside down and pretended to shake the bug out of her pockets . She was shrieking and giggling again . " Daddy . " She was all breathless . I turned her right side up again and held her out in front of me . " Are you sure you 're not a bug ? " " No , I 'm not a bug . " She pushed her hair out of her face . I swung her to my hip . " Well okay , if you say so . " I headed back into my living room . " You look better , " said Connor . Haines was standing there too and I stepped forward to shake his hand warmly . " I feel better . I gPosted by It was late afternoon when my daughter 's voice penetrated my fog and roused me from my long sleep . There was friendly banter over the feast after that , but despite the energy I drew from the orb and the food , I tired quickly and they let me go to my room to sleep after only being awake a few hours . " You aren 't going back to sleep again , are you ? " asked Victoria , who had scarcely been far enough away from me to be beyond touch . " Yes , I am . I 'm very tired . But if I don 't wake up in the morning when you think I should , then you just come in and wake me up . " She climbed up into my lap and wrapped her small arms around my neck . " All right , daddy , " she said in my ear . She drew back and rubbed her cheek . " You need a shave . " I had to laugh , and then I laughed again at her expression of awed surprise when I made six years of beard vanish right there in front of her . I stood , setting her down . " You want to tuck me in ? " She lit up with enthusiasm and led me off to my room and with all the drama of a nurse , she made sure the blankets were just so before she left . I was tired enough to sleep like the dead , but that wasn 't to be . I dreamed of my Patricia . I felt her tender touch . I heard her soft voice . We made long and tender love , and then we made wild and furious love . She danced for me , and then she danced with my magic and I laughed and danced with her . Then she stopped me . Her hands framed my face and she was suddenly very serious . " I love you . I will always love you . I won 't miss you though . I will never have to miss you . " The memory of my foolhardy trip here played itself out in macabre slow motion . I held her so tightly . I had to save her . I had to get her to safety - to help . Somewhere along my long journey , she came alive in my arms and opened up my chest as if she were opening a set of double doors and then she simply stepped inside closing the ' doors ' behind her . I sat up clutching my chest , reliving the ache there that was only in my mind . I hadn 't lost her , nor had I cPosted by I turned the lead weight that was attached to the end of my neck to find the source of the voice I had heard . She was so small but the hair and the eyes were the same . " Patricia ? " " No daddy , mommy died , remember . " It was a child I was looking at and she was using words I was having trouble putting a meaning to . My mind felt like it was mired in cold molasses . I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on moving other parts of my body . " I don 't think you should go back to sleep , daddy . " Daddy . She was calling me daddy . " Victoria , where are you ? Are you in here ? " Another voice that was vaguely familiar . Who was Victoria ? I couldn 't think . I reached up a hand and raked my fingers through my hair . The move was slow but successful . My hair was long - real long . " Liam , you 're awake , " said the other voice . I found the new face . The gold hair now had a generous amount of gray in it and there were more lines in the face than I remembered . " Mom ? " " Oh Liam , " she said and then she began to cry . I had made my mother cry . " Don 't cry , mom , " I said . I tried to sit up , but my effort was feeble to say the least . " Oskan , Larak , he 's awake , " she called out . They were there in an instant , but where was Durmas ? Where was Tsan ? The other young man with them was definitely not either of them . Oskan and Larak helped me to sit up . " Draw , Liam , " said Oskan . I looked at him blankly . I 'm sure if I weren 't so foggy I would have refused , but I could only do what I had been told to do . I drew on them . I imbedded my hands into the sleeves of their shirts and fed . They reached up and touched the orb over our heads and it flared to a blinding glow . Minutes later , I was sated and I let go . I looked up from where I had curled up between Larak and Oskan to see my mother holding the frightened child who looked at me with Patricia 's eyes over my mother 's arm . Mom saw my confusion and regret . " Liam , this is your daughter . Her name is Victoria . " My daughter . Years had passed . Memories caught Posted by I don 't remember anything about this time . All I know is what I 've been told . Larak and Oskan felt my arrival . They told me that if it had been something in the visual range , it would have looked like a meteor strike . Neither one of them had ever seen one , but everyone has seen shooting stars , so they could imagine what it would look like to see one of those balls of fire hit the ground . They had rushed out to see what it was and saw me standing there . They felt me gathering the last of my magic , and though they didn 't know what it was that I intended , they knew they had to stop me . My magic reserves were so low at that point that they succeeded , but because of that , the conflict had almost killed me . They confessed to knowing of the risk , but they were willing to risk ' almost ' as opposed to a certainty . If I had succeeded in throwing myself back into space , I would have died in seconds . Aiming for a known planetary body , even clear across the universe , stood a much better chance of success than searching for a miniscule speck of matter adrift in that same expanse regardless of how narrow the search parameters were . I didn 't stand a chance of finding her . They carried me into the altar room and placed me beneath the orb . Then they tried to make me connect with it . Normally proximity is enough ; sometimes a jumpstart is necessary and in bad cases , a flow of magic is needed to start things like Durmas had done for me after the explosion , and like I had done for Larak . They tried everything they could think of several times and in different combinations , but nothing worked . I had drawn myself into a cocoon too tight for them to penetrate . They sent for Haines and he tried some more physical means of waking me , to no avail as well . He went back to the house to make some phone calls and found out what had happened . His news of my arrival here surprised everyone , but they were glad to hear that I was alive . At least , I was still breathing - for the moment . They all fought to keep me alive until I came out Posted by The nine months since my return to Earth passed in a blur . One night , Patricia touched me with her warm hand and said those words every expectant father thrills at and yet dreads . " Liam , I think it 's time . " All the plans , all the rehearsals , everything vanished from my head . I wanted to pick her up and whirl her around in joy , and yet I was afraid to touch her . She was so practical right now , ' get her bag and get the car ready . ' Yes , of course . That 's what I was supposed to do . Then I watched her mouth go all tight with a contraction and I was lost again . She gave me a gentle push out of the bed and I was off down the stairs calling for the car and thanking god I wouldn 't be the one driving . I 'd probably get us both killed . The driver came out of his room pulling his jacket on and said , " You better get dressed , Master . " Yes , of course . I dressed myself in jeans and a sweater . Her bag , I forgot her bag . I turned back to the room and saw the source of my confusion standing at the head of the stairs with the most wonderful smile on her face ; she had her bag in her hand . I ran back up the stairs and took the bag from her and then helped her down the stairs and out to the waiting car . She had two more contractions before we reached the infirmary and thank god for drivers who could think ; Jackson had called ahead , and they were ready for us . Who was I to know if things were going all right or not , but judging from the calm efficiency of the people around me , things were doing as expected . Watching your wife in pain must be the worst thing a man can go through , especially when there 's nothing he can do to make it better , and somewhere in the back of his mind , he knows that he is responsible for that pain . I told myself that I would never put her through that again . Then the wands that sterilized the immediate area came out and the nurse told the doctor that she was ready . Drapes were draped everywhere . Strange utensils showed up on a small table and another small table was made ready with an assortPosted by Today was also the day I was ordered to attend classes in swordsmanship with Connor . It was obvious to me that he needed discipline and patience more than he needed to know how to use a sword . It was also obvious to me , and the instructor , a different man then last time , that I didn 't need these lessons , so I was here for a different reason . It soon became apparent why I was here . I was supposed to help Connor learn the patience and discipline he so badly needed . Why did everyone think I was a teacher ? I found myself imitating Tsan in many of the things he said and did . It made me miss him . The sword master saw what I was doing too and soon the lessons changed . It wasn 't long before he turned the lessons over to me , so I did my level best to turn it into an indoor version of my own lessons . The first things I did was arrange for the younger members of the royal guard to line up at the beginning of class . Connor 's task that day was to test or question them all until he could pick three he could work with . These men would hopefully mirror my own team , long since left behind . It was my intention that the team would remain together for life , so the lessons progressed accordingly . Only men long trained to the position could put themselves between their emperor and whatever danger might come against him , and a team trained to work together could be far more affective than the average soldier , no matter how well trained he was . From that day on , the lesson was over when Connor and his team couldn 't lift a sword any more or when they had accomplished the mission of the day . I praised them highly if they could manage the task . Of course , if they failed the mission … well , they failed and I had to be nicer to them than Tsan ever was to me . Over the next few months , I came home long after dark every night and left the next morning before the sun rose . Patricia 's belly grew , as did my pride in the miracle that was happening before my eyes . She made regular visits to the palace infirmary and I was given the time to Posted by I gave Connor a moment to realize what had just happened . I needed some time too . Nothing had been done in the line of repairs , and a cold wind blew through where the window used to be . Memories shook me , and I think they shook Connor too because he dropped to the floor and started shaking . " Make me trust you . Make me believe you 're not crazy like the doctor says , " I said . He looked up at me . His eyes were bloodshot . He looked so young sitting there . " You don 't know what it 's like being the emperor 's son . I 've grown up knowing that this empire will be mine someday . It 's so … big . " " But you are the emperor 's son . You have a lot of time to learn how to manage this ' big ' empire . Your father seems to be very good at it and there 's always the chance that you could be better if you tried . Bringing about that transition early only hurts everyone and ' everyone ' is a lot of people . Do you really want that ? " " No , I don 't , not really . I just get so confused and so angry , and I don 't really know why . I am crazy like the doctor says ; I just don 't know what you can do about it . " It was cold in here . I remade the window the way I remembered it and lit a fire in the scarred fireplace . Connor leapt to his feet in astonishment . " How did that happen ? " " Connor , think a minute . Who do you trust ; someone who knows you well . " He looked at me in surprise and pointed to the window . " Didn 't you see that ? This place is haunted . " " No it 's not . Come on , settle down and help me here . We need to work this out . " He backed away from the window , which brought him closer to the fireplace . He started to run from the room when he noticed that there was no wood there to support the fire . He ran into me . I grabbed his shoulders and gave him a shake . " It 's magic ; it 's why I 'm here . Now help me . Who do you trust ? " " Mother . " The way he said it made me wonder if he was a child begging for his mother 's protection , or if he was giving me the answer to my question . I spoke intoPosted by Connor was much calmer by the time we reached the wing where the infirmary was located . " Please don 't take me in there , " he pleaded . " And why not ? " I asked . " You attacked the emperor . Frankly I 'm surprised he hasn 't had you locked up somewhere . " " I can 't help it . I get so mad at him sometimes . He makes mother cry . I thought it might be better after he made that … him … go away , but its not . He hit her last night . He … " " You tried to kill her . Does that make you any better ? " He looked up at me . " I … " I wanted to pity him . He looked so confused . I pinned him up against the wall of the hallway and brought him up a few inches to eye level . " You almost killed me . I have no love for you and I don 't trust you . If you weren 't the emperor 's son , you would have died back there in the office without so much as a whimper . You like to inflict pain ; you don 't know the meaning of the word , and showing you wouldn 't help . If you want love and respect , you have to earn it . " I dropped him back to the floor and allowed him to stagger before gripping his shoulder and propelling him ahead of me into the doctor 's office . At our unceremonious entrance , a nurse paged Dr . Makusic . We waited in the center of the room until he came to get us . When he entered the room , he smiled . I couldn 't see why ; a guard was bringing him the emperor 's son and this was not a pleasant visit . He escorted us back to his office . " I have just spoken to the emperor . I 'm glad you have found your way back to us , Liam . The emperor is hoping you might be able to help in this situation . " He chuckled . " By the time you and I are done , you might just as well become a doctor yourself . " I was confused . " I don 't understand . " The doctor continued to explain for me while Connor sulked in his chair . " The young master here has been on medication since he was brought here . Tests have shown that his brain chemistry is unstable and the medication helps , but there are times when he manages to avoid taking it . Posted by That evening , Brian brought me up to date on all the current events , which included the fact that the emperor had brought his family into the city . That wouldn 't have much of an effect on my duties other then it might complicate things some . Apparently , Connor was not trusted and he had done little to earn any . It made me wonder why he was permitted to stand at the emperor 's shoulder . The situation reminded me of a saying I had heard once . " Keep your friends close , but keep your enemies closer . " I suppose it was sound advice , but I didn 't like it that the bomb wielding little psycho was standing so close to the emperor every day . That night my worries about the emperor were overshadowed by more and definitely better news . Patricia was pregnant . I think I went into immediate shock , but she took care of that too . I must have been walking on air when I reported for duty the next morning because the emperor spotted the difference at once . He just chuckled softly at my announcement . I suppose he had his own memories ; to bad it hadn 't worked out so well for him . I looked at Connor where he stood . I wished that I could do something to help ; a father and his son shouldn 't be so far apart . It 's such a loss . My father and I were never really close , but he was always there and I loved him very much . I went through the office in my customary fashion and discovered that today Connor had concealed a six inch blade under his jacket . I restrained the emperor from taking his seat . " I must inform you that Connor has a blade . He didn 't have one yesterday , " I said softly in his ear . When Connor discovered that I had found him out , he flew into a flurry of rage , drew the blade and leapt to attack us before the other guards could lay a hand on him . I must admit , he had very quick reflexes , but I stopped him short and held him a few inches off the floor while he tried to figure out where the rag in his hand came from , as well as how he was being held off the ground . " Lieutenant , if you are finished with the secuPosted by I thought I would be moving back into an apartment much like I lived in last time , but I found out upon landing , that the emperor had given us his mother 's palace and it 's surrounding grounds as a wedding present , as well as the use of his ship for the duration of my honeymoon . I was stunned to say the least . I would have to discuss this with him when I saw him next . The use of his ship was nice and ensured my return , but the palace was more than I deserved . It should have been held for someone in his family to use someday , not a guard , no matter how important or liked that guard might be . When we arrived at the place , I found that it was fully staffed and stocked . All that was lacking was the master and mistress of the house … us . Two days later I received my orders and my uniform by special courier ; I was to report for duty first thing in the morning . The honeymoon was over . Well , I thought it was . Patricia sent me to work after a glorious water dance . I was still grinning when I was ushered into the office of the emperor . The office was much the same as I remembered though many faces had changed . Much to his guards ' discomfort , the emperor stood to greet me like he would never have done to any other person in the empire . " Liam , it 's good to see you . You look well and happy . Married life must be good for you . " He clasped my shoulders smiling ; even his eyes twinkled . It had been almost four years since I had seen him last and he looked no different . " It is , my lord . It 's good to be back . " I hadn 't really thought about it much , but it was good to be back here at the emperor 's elbow . Another young man stepped up behind the emperor . " I remember you . " I looked at him closer . At first , I thought he was just another guard , but a closer look told me that he was too young for such a position . Take four years and the trim black whiskers from the young face and it left me with very little , but his resemblance to the emperor told me who he had to be . " You must be Connor . I 'm afraid I didn 't Posted by The four - hour drive to the spaceport was threatening to be a very subdued trip , but Patricia , with her wonderful instinct , changed all that . At first she began to talk ; she told me all about making the things in her trunk and about her time spent away from me in the village and about all the people she had met . Somewhere along the way , her hand found its way into mine and then a little later she was snuggling close . All thoughts of the friends I was leaving behind for the rest of my life were washed from my mind by the first tender kiss that was oohh so long overdue . The spaceport arrived rather suddenly after that , and I was forced to compose myself at least long enough to reach our ship . Much to my delight , I found out that our ship was a small shuttle ; there would be no PTS boost this trip . The crew took over responsibility for Patricia 's trunk ( I did manage to remember to unglue it - barely ) while I carried her across the threshold of the shuttle . " This isn 't our home , Liam , " she said , as she snuggled close under my chin . " Hush , " I said . " It 's a threshold . That 's close enough for now . I 'll just have to keep trying until I get it right . " She giggled and wrapped herself around me . We scarcely made it to our quarters . The crew left us in the shuttle after docking with the emperor 's ship , which was fine with me and we spent the time getting to know each other very , very well . Though I wasn 't quite a virgin , I might as well have been , because it was all so incredibly different then last time , there was no comparison . I even found ways to use my magic as well , much to Patricia 's delight . Once that was started , she came up with more ideas . By the time we reached Cambay , she had become quite adept at manipulating my magic . Mother saw to it that we had a much more traditional wedding and reception , but all her efforts didn 't interrupt the honeymoon already well underway . Since the emperor had supplied his ship for my journey , I was surprised that he wasn 't here for this wedding at leaPosted by I grew up a rancher 's daughter hoping to inherit the ranch and run a riding school for city kids . However , my brother bought the ranch from our parents in order to avoid an inheritance tax and I ended up joining the army , marrying my fisherman husband and moving to the wilderness of Alaska where I raised two wonderful boys . One of them gave me an old laptop computer and now I 'm a published author . Go figure . My Obsession is all things writing . I 've written two dozen books ranging in length from 6 pages to over 1100 pages . I 'll post a different sample each week as the mood pulls me . Kinda depends on which character wants to show off at the time . But keep an eye pealed - once in a while there 's something else entirely .

I 've been writing this bio for months ( I thought it would take 2 days ) , and I have only completed about 1 / 3 of it . Here are some stories about me , mostly in my wandering years , age 24 - 30 . And I include a preface of the years before to give my crazy life some context . My wandering ( my dad called it that ) began when I left home and fished in Alaska . Then I lived on the PX ranch commune and The Land commune . Both were the best times of my life and I wish I had stayed a bit longer . But I was a dreamer and had to go to the next sunrise . In the end I did not succeed in my dreams . Well , its not the end yet . If you want to read only about me on the land , jump to that section . I don 't yet know how to make links from the index below to each section . I see others have done it , so maybe someone will tell me how . Floating on an inner tube and thinking that I could walk under water , I jumped off . Bubbles were floating up past my eyes and my feet wouldn 't touch the ground . I was pulled out before I took a breath . Waist high to my parents , my mother storming out and driving away . In the kitchen again , I said to my dad that momma 's gone , and he said " Don 't worry . She 'll come back . " And one very important memory . In the hall of our house in Riverdale , asking my something about growing forever and she said " Oh no . We die you know . " Which I didn 't know . I broke a lamp and I asked my father if he was going to spank me . He said no because he decided it was wrong to spank . And I thought if it is wrong to spank me now , it was wrong before Looking out my window on our garden , frightened by my parents in loud argument behind their bedroom door . I thought that I would put myself out in the garden and I would be safe there . And then I thought I would help my parents get along because I was smart , which my mother endlessly told me . And then I forgot about this decision even though it never left me . I describe these memories because I think they formed me , my endless thoughts of death , of right and wrong , of imminent loss , of happiness just out of reach . And the constant thoughts about ethics and the need to make people get along , to cooperate . It was only years later , well into my 30s , when I recovered these memories and knew why I felt this way . And it was in these years that I observed my life , perhaps different lives , seeming to fall into intervals of six years . I started at Fieldston lower school in K or pre - K . There was a gang of us together from this beginning , some until our graduation 12 years later : Johnny Herman , Tom Kotlar , Owen Williams ( who left early ) , Gillie Hatch perhaps the only one who was smaller than me , and others . I remember learning with Cuisenaire rods , being Indians in 3rd grade , Pilgrims in 6th Grade , and sitting down together for a Thanksgiving feast in the gym . Making paper , candles , carding , spinning , and weaving wool . My mother sent me to wood shop class on Saturday and I remember the teacher showing me how to handle a saw , and what happens if I continue to hammer a bent nail . And , well , there is one important and not so pleasant memory . I was wandering around the playground alone , as I often did , looking at the jungle gym . I was trying to imagine it as made of the spaces between the bars , rather than the bars themselves . Then the ground came up and smashed me in the face , and I couldn 't move or breathe . That 's what it seemed like to me , that the ground rose up to me . Then the kids got off and ran away laughing . Many years later , in my 30s , a friend said to me that I was imagining things as other than they seemed ( built of spaces ) and then they became other than they seemed ( the ground came up ) . So then and now I always look for the hidden truth of things . For me , nothing is as it seems . I missed 4th grade ( Vikings ) in Fieldston when we went to Europe . I was 9 years old , in a Swiss boarding school in Chesiere - Villars Switzerland . Then I wondered how money worked . I had a bag of candy that I didn 't like . So I told the kids that if they gave me two wrappers , I would give them one piece of candy . I wanted to see if they would begin exchanging wrappers like money with each other . They thought I was crazy , " Il et fou ! " I heard them say . A couple days later a tall teacher with a red face told me to pick up all the candy wrappers I had scattered over the floor . I said they were not mine , so he swung his fist and connected with my head , hard enough that I slid across the floor stopping at the wall . As I crawled around picking up wrappers , he shouted at me about the crazy thing I had been doing , trading them for candy . I tried to run away from that school and my parents moved me to an English boarding school down the road . The English boarding school was slightly better . They didn 't beat kids . I only remember one class with a teacher who was trying to explain fractions . " Look ! " he said to me , " You cut a pie into 6 pieces and each piece is one sixth ! " No Cuisenaire rods here . In 6th grade at a class dance party , Johnny Herman and other boys came to tell me that Elissa Dewitt did not want to dance with me . I learned then that I was not attractive . In high school I had a crush on Joan Baer but never could say anything to her . Years later I still felt unattractive , very shy around girls I liked , until different women taught me otherwise . But the truth is that I was socially inept , a little nerdy Jewish kid lost between his ears . Fieldston High was often fun , and definitely a good education . I would get up at 3 minutes before nine , jump into my clothes , run down stairs and bolt down a glass of OJ that my mother had on the kitchen table , jump on my bike , peddle like mad down the hill from Tibet Ave to get up enough speed to go up the hill to Fieldston , hoping that there would be no cars at the intersection I had to cross , throw my bike into the bushes and run into class . More often than not I was 2 minutes late which I usually got away with . Later I would describe my social status in the Fieldston class as 3rd from the bottom , just above Dan Levine and Clarence Fanto ( my apologies to Dan and Clarence ) . Of course I contributed to my situation with very juvenile behaviors . In my family we never talked about our feelings , our emotions . My father would say that dinner was a time for the family to be together , and it was our only time , not to share feelings but rather play word games like name a city whose first letter begins with the last letter of the city that was named before . So I didn 't know how to relate and my best friend was Pumper , my dalmation dog . My mom wanted me to become an actor , so she used to send me to acting classes from an early age . Later in senior year at Fieldston we had a black woman as theater teacher , very pretty , and I got the lead in the senior play . Then my friend Henry Mandel and I left a note in a wine bottle saying that we loved her , because we really did . And we got kicked out of the play , because , said the principle to my dad , the bottle suggested that she was an alcoholic . Henry told me 20 years later that he was still hurt by it , as was I . Some things never leave our memories , I think because there is more than thought about them . Starting when I was 13 - 15 my parents sent me to psychoanalysis . Twice a week I would take the subway down town to see Dr . Goldfarb . He would sit and say almost nothing while I tried to figure out what to say . One day I decided to wait until he spoke . We were both silent for the whole hour . Analysts call this the blank screen which , thinking about it now , is not appropriate for teenagers . I can 't say that he helped me . Years later he came to our house in Provincetown and asked me if I knew who he was . He had been a tall handsome man with a serious look , well I was shorter then , and now he was a little goofy man with big ears . I went to Antioch College in Yellow Springs Ohio and took all sorts of classes : math , chemistry , English lit , music , art , and of course theatre , but with mediocre grades . In my last two years I doubled my course load and did a lot better . I started a children 's ' theatre group with my friend Mort Potash and we did performances in an art gallery and at different schools in town . We bought an old school bus which we converted to a camper . One year we drove it to a Vietnam War protest in Washington DC , having two flat tires and a ticket for improper safety gear along the way . Another year I bought a 1952 Plymouth New Yorker for $ 80 . It was a big solid car that got about 8 miles to the gallon , which didn 't matter much back then with gas at 25 cents or less . Later I traded it for a concertina , and traded that for a silver Benge trumpet . In 1965 I took most of a year off to travel in Europe . I went to Israel and then to Germany to buy a BMW motorcycle , a green R50 police bike . I drove it into France and down to Nice where I visited my grandmother . A little old woman dressed all in black lace was going out as I was walking in my black leather jacket , my face and beard all black from road dust . " Disgusting ! " she exclaimed . I knocked on my grandmother 's apartment door . " Oh ! " she said seeing me , " I 'll run a bath ! " Later she told me that a frightened neighbor came to her . " There was a man coming in and he was all dirty with a beard ! " " I know . " my grandmother replied . He is my grandson . In Paris with my bike , I slept at Lyn Esterly 's apartment . Other times I slept in hotels on the Left Bank . Once sleeping under bridge by the river Seine , two police walked by . " No sleep . No sleep ! " they said . " I replied " Je parle Francais monsieur . " The told me to go midway on a bridge to a small island in the river . I could sleep there . The island was covered by a little park , so I rolled out my sleeping bag under a bush . In the morning I was wakened by the gardener kicking me . " Cochon ! Cochon ! " I guess the police meant that I could sleep on the border of the island outside the park fence . I drove my bike down to Israel where I eventually sold it to another American . Then I traveled back to England and bought a Land Rover and drove it with a Swedish Girl . Rigmor Tillema , I had met to her home in Sweden . Then we drove down through Europe and to Morocco . We visited Torres de Alcala where the Moroccans grew marijuana . There were some adventures there . I smoked with the local police force . The minister of agriculture brought a little can of high quality which he gave to me afterwards . Another time I tried to play my little recorder with some musicians . They gave me a plate of cookies to stop me from playing . I took the subway down to 42nd Street where I bought a small combat pack from Models Army Navy surplus store ( all those stores are gone now ) and hitchhiked across to Yellow Springs Ohio and Antioch . On the road two Volkswagen vans stopped for me . One was going to LA and they invited me to stay at their house until I got a teaching job there . The other would stop at Antioch in Yellow Springs , so I went with him . I often wonder what my life would be if I had made the other choice , so many times in our lives , like a split in the road to choose left or right , not knowing where each path leads . My ride took me as far as Denver where my brother was going to school . A friend of my brother showed me photos of Kodiak Alaska where I could get work on the fishing boats . So I hitched to Seattle , flew to Alaska . And hitched down to Kodiak . In Kodiak I beat the docks for 10 days , asking everyone I met if they knew of a job . I did get a job on a shrimper and then on a salmon seiner . It was owned by a fat alcoholic named Wally who was always shouting at the crew which I didn 't like at all . I was to be the cook and shopped for our food . " Meat and potatoes ! " he told me , " Nothing fancy . Just meat and potatoes . And don 't get any lettuce with rust on it . " We fished for a day or two , Wally shouting and bumbling around , and pulled up at an old abandoned cannery in one of the many island bays . There was one other boat at the docks . So I walked over and asked if they needed a man . They did ! They had a three man crew and their cook also ran the skiff . But he couldn 't do it , getting the net caught on rocks . So they hired me as the skiff man . I don 't remember their names , but I remember them all . The captain , the oldest at 65 , was a tall elegant soft spoken man who fished for salmon in the summer and at other times guided bear hunters . The first mate , 55 , was a small Irish , shock case from the Second World War when he had been a gunner on one of the battle ships . Being shot at by kamikazes must have unnerved him . The cook , 60 , was a fat , slow and stupid " fish bum " who in the summer liked to " Fish salmon , earn a bunch of money , and spend it ! " In the winter he would go down to California where he would " Fish tuna , earn a bunch of money , and spend it ! " I suppose on whiskey and whores , but I never asked . 55 , 60 , 65 , and I was 23 ! We all slept in 4 bunks in the prow ( front ) of the boat , two on one side and two on the other , with our feet towards the narrower prow . I was so tired after fishing for 20 hours , that I would lie down , say " goodnight " to myself , and I was out like the proverbial light . BUT , if the old guys got to sleep before me they would snore up a storm and I couldn 't sleep . So I would kick my feet out , waking them up . " Whas up ? " " Wha wha ? " the exclaimed , I believe not knowing what had happened . Then I would fall to sleep before they started snoring again . We would fish for the daylight hours , which in Alaska in the summer were 16 or more . At night , sometimes woken from the middle of our sleep , we would have to " pitch fish " . The tender came at night from the cannery to collect our catch , and the first mate and I would wade around in the fish in the hold , loading them into a net basket which the tender would winch up . I usually wore gloves because you can get pricked by the salmons ' fins . But the fish were slimy and slippery , and it was hard to hold on to them with gloves on . Once I picked up a fish and kind of swung it around over my shoulder to pitch it into the basket . I hit the first mate square in the face with it . " You son of a bitch ! You son of a bitch ! I 'll kill ya ! " he shouted with fists up . I put mine up ready to duke it out with him . " Come on then ! " All the tender crew lined up along their railing were laughing at us and the captain was shouting " Shut up and pitch fish ! " Now , to understand my next story you need to know a bit about Salmon seining . When you set a net to catch salmon , the big boat pulls one end of the net out in the bay and the power skiff pulls the other end to the shore . The current bends the net into a curved " hook " shape . The top of the net is the cork line floating on the water . The bottom is the lead line . Between these two lines the net bellies out into a tunnel , net above and net below . The salmon swim with the current up the shore line looking for the smell of their home stream . When they get to the net , they swim along its tunnel shape , out into the bay and back up current , and then before the end of the net , back towards shore . Along with the current again , along the net , and back towards shore they swim , in a circle , all the while more fish coming along the shore to join them . After a while , usually about 30 minutes , they become nervous , some heading for the center of the circle and begin to jump . This is the signal for us to " purse up " the net ; draw the two ends together , pull the bottom lead line closed , and winch up the pursed net into the boat , dumping the fish into the hold . The skiff man has to understand geometry because when you drive the skiff pulling one end of the net to the shore , sometimes the bottom lead line , gets caught on rocks , so you need to imagine this in your mind and circle back in the right direction to unhook the net , and then take a slightly different route to the shore . And sometimes when you circle back you get another bit of the lead line caught on another rock , so you have to unhook this before you can unhook the first snag , driving the skiff in loops left and right . Well , I was very good at this , having a visual , almost geometric imagination . Now the Captain , to be kind to the cook , kept him in the skiff with me . For the next 3 weeks he would sit in the front of the skiff all grumpy and annoyed , not saying much except to go this or that way to unhook a snag , which was always wrong , and getting angrier when I ignored his advice . One day we were under tow , pulling the net at an angle from the side of the skiff . And the net pulled at the boat leaning it towards the water . The 3 foot waves made this very precarious , with only an inch or two of gunnel , the top edge of the skiff , above the water line , all the while the cook slouching up front and scowling with his arms crossed , on the low side of the boat ! These skiffs with their big 8 cylinder engines were heavier than water . A young fisherman had been drowned some weeks before when his skiff flipped over on top of him and took him down to the bottom with it . I had to get to the net , the low side , to pull something or other , which would add my weight to the problem . " Get to the other side of the boat ! " I shouted . " Ahh , you college punk , you don 't know what you 're talking about . " the cooked shouted back with a dismissive wave of his hand . So I jumped to the other side , but my foot slipped and caught my boot between the revolving drive shaft and a beam , and a stud on the shaft ground away at my ankle until I thought to turn the engine off . I had a 1 ½ inch open wound on my ankle which bandaged twice a day to keep it clean . But it didn 't heal because it was always wet . So after 3 more weeks I got off the boat and got a lift back to Kodiak . In 6 weeks fishing I had earned $ 1200 and today I still have a scar on my ankle . I left Kodiak with $ 1200 in my pocket and hitched down the Alcan Highway , 800 hundred miles of gravel and dirt road . Just before the end there is a hot spring to soak . Then , coming from the rough gravel to asphalt , the car purrs along as if we entered heaven . Somewhere in Prince George British Columbia , in a phone booth just off the highway , I called a friend I knew from Antioch . She was living on a farm on Quadra Island near Vancouver , but it was not a good time for me to visit . Climbing up the grass hill to the highway I realized that I had no where to go , no direction , no purpose , nothing . Well , I thought I was about as far north as I could go , so I would head south . As I reached the road and looked up , there was a black car pulled up in front of me . A friendly face leaned out from the driver 's seat and asked " Where are you going man ? " I was going south which was too bad he said because he was going north . But first he was going to the dog pound to get a dog . " Want to come along ? " So we went to the dog pound and each got a dog . Before I began to hitch south again he told me about a place that I could go , " Gordy 's place above Ashcroft . " Now I had a bit of direction . In Ashcroft , asking at a gas station , I got directions and my ride took me up the mountain . We couldn 't find the place , so we went back down to the gas station . Another ride took me up further , till we saw some lights in a log cabin below the road . I knocked and was invited in . A woman was making an art deco painting by kerosene lamp light . I asked hesitantly if I could stay the night and she said " Sure ! " Some days later Gordy asked me " So are you thinking of staying with us ? " " I thought I might . " " Far out ! " That was it . I was home . One night I was sleeping in the main house , a log cabin with two rooms , and Jack came in wearing his girlfriend 's dress . " Get up ! " he said , " Swallow this and come with me . " I 'd never taken LSD , but this was different he said . So I did and went with him out to the cabin in the meadow . Everyone was there and he went to get me because " We can 't leave anyone out . " John , cats eyes and long hair , and Jeff in purple sunglasses and hair all teased out into an afro ( but he is white : - ) , were sitting on the floor playing their guitars . Looking at them I said " Magicians . " Donnie was sitting on the wood stove , smiling and waving a peace sign to me . Joyce , Jack 's girlfriend , in her long underwear was sitting on the bed . I played my little recorder with the guitarists and a cup of something was passed around . Ishbel burst into the cabin with a big smile " Its morning outside ! " We all went out to the birch trees in the middle of the meadow , and put arms around each other in a circle . Purple alfalfa flowers and sounds of chattering birch trees , rushing wind and stream . " Let 's gravitate towards the purple . " I said , which they did not understand and laughed and we all rotated around till we were sitting down . There were 12 of us . " Let 's take an astrological check . " Gordy said . And we had one person for each sign of the zodiac ( well that is what I remembered for years until recently Gordy told me we were missing one . So we had 11 out of 12 . ) . On the mountain above us there were three rock - faces , and on the center rock was a perfect circle about 100 ' across , carved by nature . We were a perfect circle , sitting in a circle under a circle on the mountain . How can I explain this emotion ? A few weeks later we were driving in one of the vans , I forget where . Ishbel and Peter were giggling in the back of the van . " I know ! " she said , " Marshmallow , Captain Marshmallow . " I had been telling people what to do , get wood cut for the winter , etc . which is , I guessed , why she gave me the name . Like a captain but soft and silly inside . The tag stuck . Everywhere I went friends from the PX introduced me as Captain Marshmallow , and to this day call me Marsh or Marshy . Another time , I had been slicking my hair down with VO5 , Ishbel came up to me and mussed up my hair . " Its so fizzy . " she said with a big smile . I went back to the cabin and threw away the VO5 . One night rednecks came to our ranch to have a fight with us . They banged on my cabin first . I told them to go away and one of them , holding a six pack of bear , got threatening . So John said " They want to share theirs with us . Let 's share ours with them . " Meaning we would give them LSD . I said OK that they could come in but they had to take off their shoes , which was a parental request . I reasoned that if they obeyed me I would like a parent to them and have some control . They did , except one who stayed by the door with his shoes on . He was holding a bike chain . We played some music for them . Then the big redneck , he was sitting on the bunk , said " Where do you take a piss around here . " John and I looked at each other and smiled . " We use the piss hole . " I had been afraid that winter come , it might be too cold to go outside to piss , so I cut a hole in the back door and covered it with a leather flap . But it was too awkward to use , pressing your self up against the door and all . But the big one gave it a try and everyone laughed . They thanked us and said that they would come back another time , and left . Then we heard shouting . They had made a beeline for the main house and started all over again . I walked outside saying to myself " You are a samurai . " The big one was choking one of our group , his name was Strider , who had come out swinging a shovel . I remember walking up to the big one and reaching up to tap him on the shoulder . " You don 't want to do that . " I said . " Yeah . But he attacked us ! " " But we 're your friends . " I replied . He let Strider go and John and I walked with the rednecks up to the front gate and saw them off . Others from the main house were staring out the door wide eyed and frightened . " Marshmallow has power ! " they had said , not knowing that we had met these men before . A year or two later , in my wanderings around BC , I visited Jack and Joyce and others who had moved to a small commune they called Sundance , by the Frazier River above Lillooet . Never able to sit still , I convinced Jack to make a raft with me which we would float down the Frazer to town , buy some cookies , and walk home . So Jack and I nailed a door to two logs and hung our lunch from a branch . Lindy brought us a truck tire inner tube that some children had been playing with . " You better take this as a life raft . " He said . We shoved off , but the raft was unstable , so we had to hang on with our legs in the water . We passed the cable ferry smiling and waving , while everyone stared at us . Now the Frazer is a lazy little river , but down stream , just before Lillooet , it is joined by the raging Thompson . We quickly found ourselves clinging to the raft in the middle of this quarter mile wide fast moving river . And we didn 't know it , but a few miles further was a part of the river called Hells Gate ! Jack , who was so cold he couldn 't swim , said " Marshmallow , I want you to know that I love you ! " " Shut up Jack ! ' I said . " We 're not going to die ! " We shouted for help to a fat Indian fishing on the bank with two boys . He threw his rod down and ran , two miles to the ranger station we were later told , telling them " There are two boys on a board in the river ! " Down stream there was a bend in the river where I reasoned that the current would push towards shore . I told Jack to hook one arm around the inner tube and I would hook an arm around the other side , and we would scissor kick " like hell " across the current . I was cheering us on . " Kick ! Kick ! We 're almost there ! " We got to the bank and Jack started to climb the gravel hillside to the railroad tracks above . My legs went all paralyzed and the inner tube started to float back out into the river . " Jack ! Jack ! " I shouted . " What ! What ! " he shouted back , scrambling up the hill . Then my legs sank low enough to touch the bottom which was only two feet deep . We climbed up to the top and lay down on the hot railroad ties to warm up . A helicopter roared down the river and we waved at it . A few minutes later it came back and landed next to us . " Were you on the river ? " the rangers asked . Yes , it was us , so we got a helicopter ride to town , assured the rangers that we would never do this again , bought some cookies , and walked home . I stayed at the PX Ranch on and off for the next two years , wandering around the continent , back to Alaska to fish , getting Canadian landed immigrant status . Most of my friends from the first group had left the PX Ranch and were living in Vancouver , Ottawa , or other places . The PX ranch was now very ' fluid ' with people coming and going , many for only a few days . The spirit and the magic , had departed . So I was again looking for a home . During my years of wandering , I think it was 1973 , I was visiting my cousin Eileen in Palo Alto . There I also spent time at the Joan Baez Peace Center , and went on a retreat with them up to an 800 acre ranch up Skyline Road above Palo Alto . Hippies were living in little houses they built on back lands of The Land , the name they gave to this little anarchy . So I built a small hexagon house out of wood and 4ml plastic , planning to write . One night I was sleeping on the platform I had finished , and a raccoon squeezed my toe . I raised my head and saw it standing at the end of my sleeping bag , hissing at me . Three babies were rummaging around . I fed them melon rinds and then threw water at them to make them go away . A couple , living in a teepee up the road , also had experiences with this raccoon tribe . They woke up one night with the mother hissing at them from the side of their bed while the babies tried to roll a honey dew melon out the door . One day these two friends invited me to go with them to the Reed Horse Auction in Hayward . So I grabbed the $ 80 that I had and went with them . It seems like I always had $ 80 J Before the horse auction started , we wandered around the stables and , thinking that I knew little about horses so I should try to look stupider than I was , I asked everyone " How many hands is this horse ? " I offered one horse dealer my $ 80 but he said he could sell her for horse meat for more than that . So we started to refer to him as " horse meat " . I don 't know if he heard us . The auction started and tack , bridals and saddles and such , were auctioned before the horses . Cheap stuff for too high prices I am sure . Now you should know that a Reed 's horse auction was a working man 's event . There was a ring , well it was square , with a concrete wall around it about two feet high , on top of which was another three feet of iron pipe railing . The auctioneer was in a raised platform at one side , bleachers on the other three sides being filled with ranchers , cowboys , and horse dealers . We were sitting about two rows up , opposite the auctioneer and I was bidding $ 80 on every horse . The horse dealers , not wanting other dealers to see what they paid , had secret signals they gave the auctioneer . You need to know this , but we didn 't . So we began to shout out that there was no bid and the auctioneer just did not want us to get the horse for cheap . I 'm sure that we thoroughly annoyed him . I was bidding $ 80 on every horse , until they brought out one on a halter that had not been broken . For reasons I do not know , I was inspired to shout out " If I can stay on that horse for 10 seconds will you let me keep her ? " The very annoyed auctioneer shouted back " Buddy , if you can stay on this horse for 10 seconds , she 's yours . " He must have thought I would be taught a very hard lesson . I vaulted into the ring . The tall young cowboy holding the halter said to me " Do you know what you are doing ? This is dangerous ! " I dismissed his concern and took the halter . All the cowboys in the bleachers were laughing . I reasoned that if I could get up onto her neck I could hang on . But her back was at the height of my chin , and I could not jump that high . I pulled down on her halter thinking I would get her used to my weight , which shows how stupid I was about horses . She raised her head up and spun around with me hanging on . I remember looking up into her big brown eyes as I skipped along . I think these acrobatics stopped most of the laughter . Then I had my second inspiration of the evening . I took her over to the wall , and stepped up onto it . She shied away a bit , and I thought it was now or never . So I leaped out onto her shoulders , wrapped my legs around the bottom of her neck , my arms around the top , tucked my head , and hung on . She went all stiff and shivery , bucked around the ring a couple times , and then with shudder , lowered her head to the ground . Now imagine her nose to the ground and I wrapped around her neck with my butt up above and my head down near hers . I counted to 10 just to be sure , and then slid down her neck and stepped off . As I stood up , all the cowboys were cheering " It 's his horse ! It 's his horse ! " What a rush ! When I returned to Reed 's the next day to claim my horse , the auctioneer said to me " Boy , you did a damn fool thing ! Do you know that they can kick their neck with their rear hooves ? ! " I didn 't know : - ) A cowboy loaned me his horse trailer and another the ball for the hitch . " I know you 'll bring it back . " he said . I had proved myself . I was worthy of respect ! For the next few weeks I chased that horse around the land every time she got away . Eventually I figured out how to control her . A visiting cowboy told me to get a book " Breaking and Training the Stock Horse . " By O . Williamson . " You follow every step in this book " he said " and you 'll be riding your horse . " He was right . Whenever I skipped a step all hell broke loose . I named her Gently as a reminder to me . A friend on the land gave me a teepee , another some teepee poles . I moved into it and built a small lunging ring and a stall for my horse . Each day I would lunge her , tie her on a 150 ' rope to a steel stake in the ground , and lie in the sun for a while . In 6 weeks I was riding my horse . One day I was talking with Little Michael about my name . Michael was about 3 ½ feet tall and used crutches to walk with . He was known to have a temper and , I found out later , was suspected of setting some houses belonging to people he was angry with , on fire . He had been seen coming out of one of these about 15 minutes before it burnt down . Anyway , I was telling Michael that I had to change my name again . Captain Marshmallow was too ridiculous , especially if I wanted to apply for a job . I didn 't like my birth names , Richard ( Dick ) or Alexander . My Bar Mitzva name was Eliahu , which I liked but was too complicated to say . " I know . " he said " Elia . Call yourself Elia . " And that was my name from then on . In the afternoons I would work on a communal house that I was building . I had reasoned that our commune would be more cohesive if we had a shared house to meet in . I spent the next four months building it in the back lands , down the dirt road , in place of the old small cook shack . Little Michael didn 't want me to tear that down , so I tried to leave it for some weeks , but in the end it was in the way . So it was torn down which he didn 't like at all . A few people helped , most did not . A few young men newly arrived asked if they helped build it , could they live in it until they built their own house , which seemed very reasonable to me . We scavenged lumber from Palo Alto , and truckloads from a military academy that was to be torn down . I remember a lot of shiplap paneling and telling everyone to leave one in four joists so the buildings would not collapse . A policeman drove up to ask what we were doing . I explained and he took me to the headmaster 's house in town to get permission . With a wink and a nod the headmaster 's wife said that it would be a shame to let all that lumber go to waste . The house was 15 ' x 30 ' with a raised center platform 15 ' x 15 ' , a 3 seat high sauna in the back corner that would heat the house in the winter , and a 300 gallon redwood hot tub that I had built with six trapezoidal sides . The center section of the roof was transparent 4ml plastic sheeting . There were screens on the windows , a breakfast nook and a balcony . Everyone had a meeting in it , and was very impressed . They began to make rules about it . No one could live in it they decided . The young men who had helped came to me to complain . " Don 't worry . " I told them , " They have nothing to do with it . " They had not helped to build it so they couldn 't make rules about it . A week later , in my teepee , I heard shouts of " Fire ! Fire ! " Up at the top of the hill I could see a small bit of flame , but as I came over the rise I saw the house engulfed , flames 200 feet high . Balls of burning plastic were soaring into the air . In desperation , people were throwing cups of water on it . I just stood there . Someone gave me a hug . I remember thinking , as it burnt to the ground , that they could not have deserved to have it . Later people suspected that Little Michael , who was now angry at me , had torched it . Perhaps . And perhaps it was the sauna that was used before it was properly fireproofed . I met Sylvia in a health food store in Palo Alto . I was taking care of a little girl named Zemzem . Sylvia was working behind the counter and Zemmy wanted something to drink . So I boosted her up on my shoulders so she could ask for what she wanted , and of course do the talking for me . Well , I was still very awkward and shy about introducing myself . There was a very sweet exchange between Zemmy and Sylvia . The next day I came back to the store hoping to meet Sylvia again . But she wasn 't working then . As I walked around the aisles I came upon her kneeling by a shelf and said only " Hi . " She was going to have her lunch and invited me to share . So we sat at a small round table and I struggled to know what to say . Then she said " I think I 'm in love with you . " and my heart soared . And then she said " I want you to meet my husband . " and my heart fell . Up and down in a breath . It was often like that with her . I visited her , and yes I met David , her husband . And she visited me on the land . She moved to a cabin on the land and we got to know each other . At the time I didn 't know that her husband was a womanizer and would disappear for days at a time . She told me later that she had been praying for a gentle teacher to come into her life . Over our long history together she has often thought of me that way , calling to ask for advice on one problem or another . On The Land I helped her to build a small house , like my first one , on a tongue of land in the stream below . We called it her island . One morning David came into my teepee when I was still in my sleeping bag , slapped me , and challenged me to fight . I asked him to let me get dressed first . Standing outside I told him " David , I 'll fight you but first I want to tell you that I am sorry that I hurt you . " That seemed to confuse him and he said he didn 't have to fight me because he had " read the Vedas " . He left without fighting . But I reasoned that he might come back , probably at night . So I moved my sleeping bag to another side of the teepee . Coming from the outside he would not be able to see anything in the nighttime darkness of the teepee and would probably go to where I had been before . Sure enough , a few nights later I heard the swoosh of the teepee flap . I could see David enter , go to where I had been before , and leaning down try to see me . " Hello ? " he said . " Hello there ! " I replied deepening my voice . Unnerved , he left again without fighting . But this was getting a bit difficult for me and became one of the reasons I left the land . The Land was owned by a wealthy man who wanted to develop it . But the town of Palo Alto would not zone it for development . So he allowed us hippies to live on it , perhaps expecting that this would put pressure on the town . He also had a rancher running cattle on the land , most of which were across the road where we did not live and where there was a barn and large pastures . The rancher had a horse named Chubby . One day some visitors asked one of us if they could ride the horse across the road . When they were done , I suppose trying to be responsible , they tied Chubby in one of the stalls in the barn and nobody knew he was there . Chubby was tied up for 10 days until the rancher found him . He had died of starvation . One of us , I forget his name , said " I saw that horse in the barn . He didn 't look very good . " I got angry and called him an idiot for not doing anything about it , to which he said it was not his responsibility . I tell this story because I think it shows the heart of the problem that communes faced . Without responsibility bad things will happen , and without structure , people will fail to be responsible . Before I left The Land , I told people that a disaster would happen and they would be closed down . They all poo pooed the idea . I heard that about a year later a child drowned in the pond and the town of Palo Alto decided they had had enough . After some legal wrangling , everyone was forced to leave The Land and it was turned into a state park . I have been back several times , the last this past winter holidays where I had a picnic with Sylvia , my son , and my wife on the spot where I had lived in my teepee . I sold my poems on silk screened posters in shops in Ottawa , Toronto , and Montreal . Later my friend John from the PX , visiting a relative in Kingston , saw my poem on an abstract painting with the legend " Found on a poster in Montreal . Writer unknown . " That , I thought , was success ! After all my roaming I found that I was very tired of chasing dreams . I went to live winters in my parent 's vacation house in Provincetown at the end of Cape Cod . In the summers , when my parents were there , I would travel . I was desperately looking for something I wanted to do and which I had the resources to do it with . I would write and keep journals of my thoughts which were mostly philosophic and very structured , like this : I volunteered at a drop - in - center as a counselor and medical assistant . I attended intensive courses with the National Training Labs ( NTL ) founded by Kurt Lewin , and courses in other institutions . I went to several conferences , one Borderline Personality disorder in NYC . Through all this several people told me that I had to go back to school . A friend said that I would never be taken seriously until I got my PhD . But I had only taken one intro psychology course in college and I needed to take the psychology graduate record exam . So I studied for the GRE 's intensively for six weeks , took the test , and scored in the 99th percentile . Well , it just all seemed logical to me . Living in Provincetown , I had heard that Sylvia had moved to Boston . My brother was driving to Boston to look for discarded bricks at demolition sites . So I went with him , thinking that I might run into her . We drove along the Boston South Shore when down the road I saw a van coming towards us that looked like Sylvia 's van . As it got close I could see that it was Sylvia ! But because my brother is stubborn and generally does not do what I ask without an argument , I couldn 't think of what to say . If I said " Stop ! " he would way " Why ? ! " and argue about how he had things to do . So my tongue was paralyzed . Just as Sylvia 's van was passing us my brother said " There 's some bricks . " And made a U - turn to the other side of the road . I thought Sylvia would drive by , but she also made a U - turn to go the health food store on the block . In fact the two cars made a U - turn around each other ! ! I got out and walked towards her . We were both smiling . She said that she was trying to work things out with David , so I never visited her in Boston . Later , when I was studying at NYU , she had finally left David and visited me . We saw each other on and off for years after . But I am still haunted by the vision of our two cars circling around each other by sheer coincidence . It seems like fate ! Later I told her that she and I were like twins stars revolving around each other . Well , I have a lot more stories of these years , and the second half of my life to follow , but I 've been working on this bio for weeks . So I 'll have to post it now , for those of you who are interested to read them before the reunion , and add more stories later . Here is my outline of most of what remains to be written : Search of the Lost Chord . " To the PX to " save " me . He believed , like Christ , that he was a fisher of men but using LSD . In the end , my life makes little sense to me . I can only say that through my life I have searched for love and truth . I have found some truth , but love has been more elusive . So what have I learned ? When I can find myself to be part of all things , then I might not fear death . Feeling a part of nature , which I have felt in moments , is a good way to achieve this understanding . And you really can hear the pattern of spaces between the bird sounds . Uniquely human , we live ( are really alive ) both in a physical and in a symbolic world . Like the two sides of a penny that Frank described in a different metaphor , the inside and the outside . They both exist together with a non - dimensional boundary between them .

The wind howled outside the dusty Victorian window where Bernard now sat looking out at the world beyond his home . It had been many years since Bernard had last stepped outside into the soft air and warm sunlight . He did not mind staying inside all that much ; after all , his home was familiar to him . It smelled of old wood and dusty books . The leaves had started to change color , what was once green and alive now turned red and orange and brown . Fall had arrived and chilly winds had followed . Bernard sat quietly looking out the second floor window in his bedroom where he had passed many days watching the world outside . He 'd sometimes watch a dog as it walked down the street looking quite pleased with its escape from its yard . Other times Bernard would see people walking together , some smiling while others were not . People would often pass his old house ; now and then one would stop to look at the Victorian mansion with curious eyes . Now and again someone would point up to his window and say something to whomever they were with and then move along down the road chatting as friends do . They never noticed Bernard , at least most did not . Once every few years when Bernard was feeling especially lively one might catch a glimpse of him behind those paned glass windows . Today was different though . On this blustery day a young girl stood at the old iron gates that warded off the curious with its ominous blackened bars . A girl of perhaps eight with blond hair and a missing front tooth stood looking between the bars of the gate staring up at Bernard . To his great surprise she waved to him . Thinking it odd that she should wave to him Bernard did not respond . No one ever waved to him ; he was a ghost , an unseen thing to any of the living . Then she waved again , this time more earnestly , baring a smile both warm and earnest . Slowly Bernard raised his hand and waved back , at least he tried to wave back . It had been a very long time since he had waved to anyone and wasn 't quite sure if he remembered how to wave properly . His waveIt was strange to Bernard that the girl had seen him , he had been a ghost for longer than he could remember and couldn 't think of a single human in all those years who could see him . Bernard knew why many people stopped to look at his home ; it was famous in its own way . Things happened here , terrible things , things that made him into a ghost . As for exactly what those terrible things were , Bernard could not remember . Perhaps that is how being a ghost is supposed to be , you remember the good things , but not the bad . Bernard recalled when he was newly a ghost , a family moved into the house , his house . He remembered their pet dog Chip . A funny name for a dog Bernard always thought , but still Chip was as good of a name as any other he supposed . Bernard had many conversations with Chip and he always seemed to understand Bernard . There was the mother and father , then two boys that lived there for a short time . Bernard had tried to play with them , but the boys never seemed to notice him . Eventually Bernard became so angry that he threw a plate off the table one night during dinner . Noodles flew through the air and landed in a mess on the wood floor near chip , who happily accepted this mishap as a treat , eating the noodles before anyone could stop him . Though he could not recall the names of anyone at the table , Bernard did recall the mother being scared , and the father yelling angrily at the boys for playing a prank at the dinner table . Bernard had tried to apologize many times to the mother but she could never hear him . Just like the boys when he tried to play with them , he simply was never seen . The only one who saw him or knew he was there was Chip . Bernard missed Chip , he was a good dog . He 'd never had a dog when he was alive . At least he couldn 't remember ever having a dog . But Bernard knew he 'd have loved a dog if he had one when he was alive . The girl had left and in her absence the gate creaked in the wind as if it missed the company she provided in those few moments it had shared with her . The sun was starting to set and Bernard thought it would be best to turn in for the night . Bernard did many of the same things he did when he was alive , though he thought that perhaps brushing his teeth might be silly since he was a ghost , but he still liked the feeling of the brush on his tongue as he cleaned his teeth . It was while he was in the bathroom that a knock came from somewhere in the house . Looking about , Bernard listened quietly to the stillness , then " Knock , Knock " the sound came again . After a moment more of looking about Bernard realized it was the front door ! How long had it been since someone came knocking on his front door ? He could not be sure , but it was long enough he had forgotten what the sound was , then the sound rang out again . " Knock , Knock ! " Bernard spit then rinsed his mouth out quickly then headed for the front door stopping just before he opened it . Thinking it might be a trick or someone breaking in he decided to peek through the glass peep hole in the door . It is what his mother often did when visitors came knocking on the big front door . Beyond the warped glass of the peephole stood the little blond girl from the gate , dressed in a coat looking impatiently at the door then she reached up with her little hand making a fist then " Knock , Knock , Knock ! " Bernard wasn 't sure of what he should do . " No one visits ghosts , no one can see me " Bernard thought as he looked away from the peep hole . A fourth round of Knocks came and he looked back at the peep hole and the girl was now looking right back at him then she opened her mouth . " Helloooooooo ! " she said loud enough Bernard could hear her perfectly through the door . " I know you 're in there , I saw you in the window ! Open the door please . " said the little girl through the large oak door . Bernard was a little scared , no one could see him . At least no one had seen him since , well , since he became a ghost . Not wanting to be rude Bernard reached for the lock and pushed the bolt back just enough that the door came open . It was hard to do , but she was the first one to see him since Chip the dog and he felt a twinge of excitement rush through his ghostly body as the lock made a small " click " noise . The door clicked then opened as the young girl pushed on the door handle . The large old heavy oak door opened slightly with a loud creaking noise . Pushing harder the young girl was able to push it far enough to squeeze through the opening then looked up to Bernard . " You aren 't very good at answering questions . My Nana said it 's not polite to ask a question back to someone who asked you one first . " She said while looking about her entrance to the old house . " So , why are you floating ? " " I … I 'm sorry … You shouldn 't be here . Um … . You should go , yes you should leave . This is no place for a girl to be . " Bernard said trying to sound like he imagined his father would . Bernard willed himself to the floor and thought hard about what to say . He hadn 't had any visitors since some teenagers had snuck in the house one summer night . Now he wasn 't sure what one is supposed to do when a visitor came to your door . As he stood there thinking what to do or say the girl stuck out her mitten covered hand . Stars sparkled on the outside of her pink gloves as her hand hovered in the air outstretched towards Bernard . " Well why not ? Are you sick ? Nana told me to not shake someone 's hand if I have been coughing and sick . So are you ? " The girl said with her hand still held out for him . " Wait you can 't come in here like this , you don 't belong here . " Bernard protested with a ghostly stomp of his foot which didn 't make even the slightest noise when it hit the floor . This didn 't stop Kara in the least bit as she walked up the stairs using the hand rail for balance . Lifting her hand from the railing she looked at the dust now on her mitten . " This place is dirty , we should clean it up if we are going to be friends and play here . Don 't you think Bernard ? " Kara said as she walked the stairs looking at the old paintings on the wooden walls that dust had covered . " Friends " ? Bernard hadn 't thought of having a friend since Chip and yet here a girl could see him just as plain as Chip could and she wanted to be friends . She had even shaken his hand ! As he stood thinking , Kara had turned the corner at the top of the stairs and headed up the second flight towards the upper floor where his room was . With the panicked thought of a girl in his room Bernard floated up through the floors pushing past the old cob webs that tickled his nose and face and came up through the floor right in front of Kara . Kara stopped for a moment and thought about what Bernard had said . " Well you are a ghost and I suppose you could do some pretty bad things to a person who made you mad . So , may I look around upstairs and also see your room with the window you watch from ? " Kara asked with a wide smile missing a front tooth . " I wouldn 't do anything to you , I couldn 't do anything . I don 't think I can anyway , but you still shouldn 't be here . This is my house and it 's old and you are far too new to be here . " With that word said Bernard thought he had the answer to his problem ! " You should just come back when you are a ghost too and then you can see my window . " Kara walked past Bernard " That 's just silly , it 's just a room with a window in it . " Not stopping this time she walked the hall to each door on the floor opening and looking inside for just a brief moment before closing it until she came to door at the end of the hall . As she opened the door Bernard flew in front of her putting his arms out wide to block her from entering . Kara simply ducked under his left arm and went inside to find a room with a bed and dresser , an empty closet , and the three paned bay windows that she had seen Bernard in earlier . Clapping her hands she ran to the window jumping up onto the old pillows that were lying on the bench under the window . Dust plumed up around her which made her cough a bit as she waved the dust from her face with her hand . Bernard laughed as the dust swirled around her . He had not known that would happen since he sat there every day without dust being kicked up . Bernard laughed , he laughed hard . It was the first time he had laughed since being a ghost . It was his first laugh , with his first friend , as a ghost . Maybe it wasn 't so bad having a friend . Maybe Kara did belong in the house he thought . That is until she turned around and walked out of the room and headed down the hall . Bernard followed behind her floating down the staircase just behind her . " You can stay , I didn 't mean it when I said you didn 't belong here . " Not wanting to see his new friend leave so soon after meeting her . " I 'll be back , I 'll come visit you soon ok . " Kara said as she pulled on the large heavy front door which creaked again . Then out the door she went waving behind her as she ran down the sidewalk and out of sight leaving Bernard alone . The house felt empty without Kara in it . Bernard couldn 't understand or explain why , but he felt sad that she had gone . He had wanted her to leave didn 't he ? He had said that he wanted her too leave , he thought to himself . Yes he wanted her out of his home , she didn 't belong there . This was a place for a ghost , not a living girl . With those thoughts swirling in his head he went to his room and watched the moon rise , cars drive past his yard and iron fence . It was nearly 3am when he went to the back of the house to watch the old chapel and cemetery come to life as it did most every night . The graveyard seemed like a fun place he 'd like to visit one day , but never seemed to remember until they were well into their party . From a distance Bernard watched as the ghost of the graveyard danced and laughed with one another . He watched until the sun started to rise and the urge to rest came over him as it did every night . So off to his bed he went to sleep . Bernard woke sometime later and opened his eye to a pair of living blue green eyes staring down at him only a couple inches away . " AAAHHHH " he yelled as the eyes fell back revealing the smiling face of Kara who started to laugh as he fell through his bed to the floor . " Why are you still sleeping ? Don 't you know it 's nearly dinner time ? " Kara asked to the bed knowing he was either inside the bed or below it . " I always sleep until now . " Kara turned her head in a ponderous way thinking . " You must be the laziest ghost I know . " She said as she bounced off the bed trailing dust behind her . " Want to go outside and play in the graveyard down the block from your house ? " Bernard hadn 't been outside ever . In fact he didn 't know if he could go outside . " I don 't know if I can . " Bernard thought for a moment " I 've never tried to go outside . I don 't know if other ghosts have mothers . I 'm the only ghost I know besides the ones in the graveyard that dance at night . " he said slightly excited by the thought of leaving the house for the first time . " Well it 's settled , after dinner we will go out to the graveyard and see if we can dance and play with the other ghost . I 've always wanted to dance with ghosts ! " Kara said . " Ghosts can 't go outside during the day , everyone knows that . " Kara responded while rolling her eyes at him as if he had just asked the silliest question a boy could ever ask . Bernard felt a flush come over his ghostly face and was slightly embarrassed for not knowing something that he obviously should know as a ghost . Kara then walked out of Bernard 's room and headed down the old dusty wooden staircase with Bernard close behind her . " When will you be finished with dinner ? " Bernard asked remembering how sometimes his mother and father would go for dinner , how he would fall asleep waiting for them to come home . Only to find that he woke the next morning to his mother patting his shoulder smiling at him telling him to get ready for the day . Bernard never knew how long his parents dinners lasted or how he always ended up in his bed the next morning ; regardless of where Bernard might have been the night before waiting up for their return . Now with Kara now leaving for dinner Bernard felt anxious , not knowing if he 'd have to fall asleep and awake somewhere else for their adventure to begin . " I won 't be gone long , just a quick trip through a rabbit hole and I 'll be back before you know it . " Kara said as she reached for the old doorknob on the front door . Bernard couldn 't stop himself from smiling as his new friend walked out the door . He smiled not because Kara was leaving , but smiling because she promised to return to him . Bernard did not have long to wait , or at least it didn 't seem like a long wait . For a ghost , waiting is not so much a thing to do , but a state of being . Bernard had waited on a great many things . He had waited on the seasons to change so he could enjoy the leaves his favorite tree change from green to gold and then float away on the autumn breeze . He had waited for new owners of his house to arrive . He had even waited on Chip to someday return and continue their conversations they once had . He had even waited on a snail to crawl from the bottom of the staircase to the top a " I don 't think I have one . It 's ok though , I don 't get cold anymore . " Bernard said smiling at his bundled friend smothered under her coat and stocking hat with a white ball on top . With little more than a sound Kara turned about and walked out the front door with Bernard just behind her . As they traveled down the side walk Bernard looked back , half expecting the house to pull him back inside . The house did not attempt to pull him nor push him . The house simply sat there as it always had , dark and empty of people or ghost , but full of dust and furniture . Noticing that Kara was walking while he floated , Bernard thought it best to do as she did and walk . He wasn 't sure if floating outside was a good idea or not . There wasn 't a roof to help keep him close to the ground out here , so Bernard settled into a pace beside Kara and they walked down the sidewalk , to the old Iron Gate where Kara stopped and held out her hand . " Do we need to shake hands again ? " Bernard asked Kara rolled her eyes at him before saying " No silly , you can 't go past your property without holding my hand . If you did then you 'd float away and I might not see you again for a very long time . But people in planes might ! " She added with a smile . Bernard took her hand feeling the warmth in it even through her star covered pink mittens . The pair then walked on to the graveyard . " Kara , what 's a plane ? " The trip wasn 't very long and didn 't take much time until the duo arrived at the cemetery , according to Kara it had only taken a short time to reach . Bernard being terrible with understanding what was a short time for living people accepted Kara 's determination of the allotted time for the travel as being short . The graveyard was old and smelled of wet leaves and stone . The grass did not receive care very often , but it wasn 't overgrown yet . The entrance was framed by a large sandstone pillar on each side giving way to a wide open area that had two paths worn down by cars , wagons and other things with wheels . On top of each pillar at the entrance stood an angel with outstretched wings , not real angels mind you , these were just statues . Bernard stood at the entrance for just a moment as Kara bowed her head and started to whisper something Bernard couldn 't quite hear . " What was that ? " Bernard asked . Looking up Kara smiled saying " Just saying thank you to the Grave Keeper for letting me visit . " Bernard looked around not knowing what a grave keeper looked like , he wasn 't sure if he would spot one even if he looked right at him . Looking about , Bernard didn 't see anyone that might or might not be a grave keeper . " You are kind of funny . " He said to Kara . " My Nana tells me I 'm funny too . She also told me that I should always thank those who are nice enough to let me visit . " Kara said . The wind howled a lonely moan across the gravestones worn and beaten down by time and storms . From where Bernard stood just outside the gates of the graveyard it appeared dark and empty . Bernard thought that none of the ghosts he had seen from his window in the nights past were in the cemetery tonight . " Perhaps the ghosts I 've seen are on holiday right now . It doesn 't look like anyone is here . " Bernard said . " Of course they are here ! You just haven 't gone inside yet . " Kara said pulling him by the hand into the old dark graveyard . As soon as Bernard crossed the threshold of the graveyard the darkness vanished , replaced by light and laughter . Looking about the graveyard , it was now lit with torches and lanterns , music danced along the wind that no longer howled but sang along with the tune of Elvis singing Jail House Rock . There were ghosts everywhere , some were young looking like Bernard and others old like his gran used to be right before she died . Kara and Bernard walked further in and the music suddenly stopped . All at once each of the ghosts in the graveyard looked at Bernard and Kara with clear shining eyes that worried Bernard . " Maybe we should just go back to the house . " He said to Kara . Kara gave his hand a squeeze then smiled and looked at all the ghosts . " Hello ! My name is Kara and this is Bernard . We wanted to know if we could join you on this fine evening ? " Out of the crowd of ghosts a tall man came forward , dressed in a tall hat and fancy jacket like someone from a very long time ago with white hair and a funny accent said . " Well , well . A fleshy has come to visit us . " As he looked around to the crowd the tall ghost turned his attention to Bernard . " She isn 't normal is she ? Also why haven 't you visited us sooner lad ? We have seen you most every night for nearly a hundred years looking out your window at us ! " Laughter and agreement rose from the crowd of ghosts . Not knowing what to say Bernard stood in place , wanting to say something witty or smart . But instead he said " Um , I don 't know . " Laughter came again from the crowd then Kara spoke loudly . " You all be nice to him , he 's been alone in that house for a very long time ! " A woman dressed in a maid 's uniform said to the ghost next to her " a hundred years isn 't that long , is it ? " Kara continued " I asked the Grave Keeper if we could enter and we were granted permission . Even my Nana said I could visit you all tonight , and she told me that you all would be excited to see us . Do I need to tell my Nana that she was wrong ? She doesn 't like to be wrong you know . " The tall ghost with the funny accent looked at Kara seriously and said . " No , we don 't know . Who is this Nana you speak of ? Is she a necromancer or a witch ? Never much liked Necromancers , though Witches were always fine by me . " Kara now with a very serious face replied to the tall man . " She is Nana , the first Nana , my Nana . Everyone knows Nana . " She said exasperated by trying to explain to the ghost who her Nana was . Leaning on a cane next to a gravestone with a flying eagle atop it a woman came forward . " Kara dear , we know many Nana 's here , I was a Nana to my seventeen grand babies . Is your Nana special or different from Nana 's like me ? " she asked in an old crackling voice sweet as honey . Kara thought for a moment and didn 't know if her Nana was special or different . But she did know one thing . " My Nana caThe old woman leaning on her cane smiled and said . " Child , if you can see us and you can talk with the Grave Keeper and your Nana planted the old Whispering Tree in the middle of town then yes , your Nana is special and different and very old . But don 't tell her I said she was old . " She said with a wink . " My name is Henrietta , but you can call me Henry . Everyone else here does . " As Kara and Henry chatted the music began to play again , ghosts began to dance with one another and laughter was heard once more . Twisting and twirling about ghost men and ghost women danced , laughed and sang along with the band . A band rumored to have once played for King Henry the IV who didn 't care for their whimsical tone and had them all beheaded . " I suppose you are telling the truth , I have a way about smelling a lie . " Henry said as she stood up leaning heavily upon her cane . Bernard stepped in line behind Kara as Henry walked away from the festivities saying " Keep up child ; you are a ghost not a snail . " Bernard who was watching the festivities had slowed his pace and now felt slightly embarrassed . Kara followed effortlessly behind Henry as she weaved her way through the cemetery . Bernard continued to bump into headstones eliciting grumbles and a few ghostly fist shakings up from the ground at him as he disturbed their slumber . All the same it was still very exciting for Bernard who quickly forgot that he had been quite scared only moments earlier when he and Kara stood before the gates of Blackwood Cemetery . Henry walked and talked with the Kara and Bernard about the cemetery and the good people who lived there . " It 's a good place to rest , I think those of us who have been here at Blackwood for a few years think it 's the best place to be . Bernard you might consider moving down here so you can be around us more . " Henry said as they passed a headstone taller than both Kara and Bernard , but not quite as tall as Henry . " Do you think the others would mind ? " Bernard asked feeling a bit of excitement welling up in his ghostly stomach while stepping over fallen sticks from the old overhanging oak tree . Henry 's withered smile grew across her translucent face as she said " you let me worry about those old bags of bones . But you will need to see if our young friend here can ferry you from your home here . It 's not safe for you to wander unguided you know . " Bernard didn 't know . He thought about how he had arrived in the cemetery , but found he was surprised that he couldn 't remember how he had actually arrived here . Bernard knew he had left his home with Kara , but after that he just knew he was here . Seeing the look of confusion on his face Kara walked over and took his hand in her small hands then closed her eyes and smiled . Her smile was beautiful Bernard thought , suddenly he remembered their long walk and the statues outside the cemetery , of Kara bowing her head whispering to the Grave Keeper . Kara continued to smile with her eyes closed as the voice of Henry spoke gently behind him . " You know nothing poor child . We can 't wander from our homes without people like her . Your friend is a special one we used to call Spirit Walkers . If you tried to journey from your home here without her you would lose your mind and become a Wraith or something worse . " Henry said as gentle as a grandmother could . When Kara let go of Bernard 's hand the memories began to slip away from him . No matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memories of the walk from his home to the cemetery . Of how he stopped floating to walk alongside Kara , about the questions he had asked , they all slipped away . Like water running through his hands the memories fell away until they were once again gone . " Why can 't I remember how I came here when you aren 't holding my hand ? " Bernard asked Kara who suddenly looked older than she had at the gate outside his home . " A ghost can 't be where a ghost shouldn 't be . " Kara said . Henry patted Bernard on the shoulder with her boney ghost hand " Come along littles , we have some talking to do with the rest of the cemetery folk to grant you haven while you are here my boy . " She walked windingly through the cemetery for what seemed like hours , mostly due to her dragging foot . Henry walked along telling stories of Gambler Pete who was buried in the northwest corner of the cemetery after he was caught cheating at cards in 1894 . Reginald Horsehoof who was an adopted Native American raised up north with some rich white folk who taught him the strangest dances which he often could be seen dancing after dark down with the others near the large sleeping tree . Henry pointed Kara to a tall headstone off to their left and told of Letty the last witch in these parts . " Turns out she isn 't even buried there and actually haunts a night club down town . " Henry said . The three walked and talked for a long while until the sounds of laughter and music could be heard and lights from the nightly ghostly gathering was a short distance from them . " Walter , I must speak with you . " Henry said as she walked leaning on her cane . The tall man who had addressed both Kara and Bernard responded to Henry by slightly nodding his head towards her in a respectful way that reminded Bernard of how his father would tip his hat towards his mom when he would leave the house . As Henry and the tall ghost called Walter walked a little ways away the sounds of the jovial ghost laughing and telling stories along with some singing swallowed any sound that Henry and Walter made , leaving their conversation a mystery to Bernard . Kara had contented herself to sit down on a tomb that was short enough for her tiny frame to sit comfortably on and swing her legs as she watched and began to sing along with the ghost who sang in merry harmony , a song Bernard did not know but enjoyed the happy tune none the less . The moon passed overhead until the waning hours of darkness before the festivities began to wind down . Bernard found himself re " Kara dear , you need to get Bernard home before the sun is fully up . Otherwise it might attract the Snatchers . I 'd hate to deal with your Nana if the Snatchers got hold of you and Bernard . " Henry said as Kara rubbed her eyes letting the knitted blanket bunch up around her waist . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to fall asleep . " Kara said through a half yawn . Kara folded the blanket carefully and handed it to Henry who took it in her ghostly hands and pulled it close to her chest . The warmth of the child still lingered for a few moments and it reminded Henry for just a moment of holding one of her littles from long ago . Bernard was finding it hard to stay awake at this point , but thanks to his new friend Carl " The Dread Pirate of Washington River " as he referred to himself , Bernard managed to make it through the night and have a lovely time . Noticing that Kara had woke Bernard walked over to her and offered his hand to help her down off the tombstone and with a few good byes and promises to visit again soon the pair headed off to Muckmire Manor hand in hand . Chapter 3 As Bernard watched Kara walk down the sidewalk in the early dawn light he noticed that a sheet of paper had been stuck to his front door . " By the edict of City Counselor Terry Hoff and Mayor Mortimer Klinger this property is set to be auctioned Saturday the 9th of October . To be sold in its entirety with all possessions of the property becoming the sole property of the highest bidder . If no bids of adequate funds are made the property is to be demolished and repurposed by the city of Mooresville . " Bernard left the notice on the door unsure of what " auction " or " repurposed " meant . " Perhaps Kara will know what this means . " He thought . Stretching his arms in the open door as the first rays of the morning sun peeked over the nearby mountain he watched the sun shine through his ghostly arm and shut the door . The sun never hurt Bernard , but he often found it annoying and hard to see things with all the light . Cloudy days were his favorite to be awake for . He could happily sit in his window and watch people walk by , coming and going about their lives unaware that he had made up names and stories for each of the people he saw . Bernard reached the top of the stairs and floated into his room without opening the door . He was simply too tired to be bothered with a door , he climbed into bed and was asleep before he could finish remembering all that had happened in the graveyard . " Knock , " knock , knock ! " rang out from the front door . It was much louder than when Kara had knocked on his front door . It was so loud that it woke him from his sleep . Bernard rubbed his hands across his face then stretched . " KNOCK , KNOCK , KNOCK ! " the front door rang out again , louder this time . Bernard floated through the floor quickly wondering who could be at his door that would knock so hard . Certain it could not be Kara he floated up to the peep hole to see who was outside . Through the looking glass he could see an older woman with very tall gray hair . Wrinkles covered her entire face and when she smiled Bernard could see for just a moment a little bit of a resemblance to Kara . " Hellooooooo dearie , open up we have much to discuss if you don 't want to be homeless . " The old woman said in a crackling voice . Memories of his life before being a ghost came to mind , an old teacher who used to call him " Dearie " and his ghostly heart warmed just a tiny bit . Bernard opened the door and before him stood a woman in a bright pink shawl over a gray dress that matched her very tall curly gray hair . Thick horn rimmed glasses with silver chain strap hung from each side of her glasses and around her neck so that they wouldn 't fall down when she took them off . She was slightly bent over and held a fine wooden cane with fairies carved all along the shaft ending in a handle of a bear head . " Kara has told me so much about you Bernard , my name is Nana . Can I come in ? " the old woman asked . " You 're Nana ? Kara 's Nana ? " Bernard asked still holding the door . " Yes , I 'm her Nana and other 's Nana as well . The wind has picked up and my old bones feel the chill of winter coming dearie . " Nana said pulling her shawl tighter with one hand while leaning on the fairy cane . Bernard concentrated and pulled the door open as far as he could . The door being from the real world and rather heavy was more of a challenge than he had thought . He had only unlocked it for Kara when she came to visit . With Nana on the other side Bernard felt it was only gentlemanly of him to open the door for her . So he did . Nana walked into the home stopping just past the threshold , closed her eyes and took a very deep breath . " You are alone child , how have you remained ? " Nana asked as she smacked her lips together as if tasting something odd . " It 's always been just me . I didn 't have anywhere else to go , so I just stayed . " Bernard replied watching Nana as she kept her eyes closed still smacking her lips together . Nana opened her eyes and coughed out a puff of dust from the deep breath she had just taken . Bernard wondered if he should go to the faucet and give her a drink . But he remembered that there were no glasses in his cupboards . Nana only coughed once to his relief . " Please come in and sit Nana , is Kara alright ? " Bernard asked . " Oh she is fine dearie , sleeping after her adventure with you last night . She had a wonderful time visiting with Henry and the others . I 'm here about the notice on your door . You must have read it by now , you do read don 't you ? " She asked as she walked over to a sofa with old stiff pillows that plumed dust as she sat . " Yes ma ' am , I can read . Though I don 't know what the notice means . " Bernard said a bit embarrassed at his lack of knowledge . " It means that certain people in town want to take your house away , along with the field and the cemetery just down the block from here . These people want to build new buildings and destroy the history of this part of town . The city Mayor thinks that this neighborhood would be best turned into apartment buildings . " Nana explained . " It means that you and all the lovely souls from Blackwood Cemetery would be ' displaced ' . This would likely end in one of two ways . The first would be the best and that would be to just cross over to the other side . But in all my years I have seen the second happen far too often when tethered earth is disturbed . The spirits turn into wraiths , things without conscious thought , consumed by hatred and fear they can even become shadow people . They will hunt and hurt people who have done no harm to them . I 'm sure you don 't want to become either of those things . " Nana said while holding her fairy cane in front of her with both hands resting atop the Bear head handle . " I don 't want to go anywhere , I like my home . I don 't want to be a shadow person or a wraith ! " Bernard said scared . " In that case , you will be seeing more of me very soon Bernard . " Nana said as she tried to stand . Her first try was her rocking forward , the second attempt had her on the edge of the couch and by the third try she was standing leaning heavily on her cane . " What should I do ? " Bernard asked following behind Nana as she walked to the door . " You just stay right here and start cleaning . You might try to open some windows and let some fresh air in here . The wood here is very tired of the same air . " Nana said as she opened the front door and closed it behind her leaving Bernard alone in a house that now seemed far too large for one tiny ghost to haunt . The hours passed and Bernard tried very hard to open the windows of the house . His ghostly hands kept slipping through the wood frame and glass every time he tried to lift . From window to window Bernard moved and tried to open the old house up but nothing gave way to his efforts . The sun had already set and it was well into the evening when most people stopped walking down the sidewalk outside his home when a soft " knock " came from the door . A " knock " that sounded very much like the one that he had heard just yesterday . Standing outside the door Bernard could see through the peep hole Kara in her pink star covered mittens waving up at him . He unlocked the door and she pushed it open smiling to her friend . " Nana said she came to visit you today . " Kara said as she walked into the living room . " Yes , she said that she would help with the auction notice and keep me from becoming a shadow person . " said Bernard . " You , and the nice ghosts at Blackwood Cemetery ! " Kara said . " She said we would have to pack up soon and that I should come help with opening the windows here . Nana said you were having a hard time opening them up like she asked . " " How could she know that ? " Bernard said embarrassed again . He had tried very hard to get them open but simply couldn 't . " Nana knows lots of things , she is very old you know . " Kara said as she went to the dining room and pushed hard on the wooden frame of a window that faced towards the cemetery . " She came from the Willows and they know everything . But everyone knows that . " Bernard didn 't know that , but he didn 't want to admit that in front of his friend . " It 's ok that you didn 't know , you are a ghost and have been in this house a long time by yourself . So , I guess its ok that you didn 't know about the Willows . Do you know about the Whispering Tree Nana planted in town ? " Kara asked as she stood on a cedar chest and pushed up on a second window . Bernard had never heard of the Willows before last night , or about the Whispering Tree . In fact , before last night Bernard hadn 't known a great number of things he now knew . Feeling less embarrassed , Bernard admitted that he didn 't know about the Willows or the Whispering Tree . " Well " Kara said . " The Willows is where really special people come from . They help things in the world , old things , like your house . Without the Willows nothing would be old , everything would be knocked down and we wouldn 't remember anything about our past . " Kara hopped down from the cedar chest and walked into the kitchen which was darker than the rest of the house . From inside her coat Kara pulled a metal stick out of her pocket and Bernard wondered what it was . " Huh ? " Kara responded looking down at her flashlight . " Oh it 's a flashlight , see ? " She said as she pushed the switch forward and light as bright as the sun illuminated Bernard 's face . Bernard fell back yelling " Ahhhhh ! " and fell through the floor into the basement . Above him he could hear Kara laughing and as he poked his head through the floor cautious of being attacked by the light stick again Kara was busy laughing and even made a snorting sound as she rolled on the ground . " Your face ! Bernard , your face was so funny ! " she laughed and snorted again like a pig . " You 've never seen a flashlight before ? " She asked . " No , isn 't it dangerous to have a sun in that stick and to carry it around in your pocket ? " Bernard asked still only keeping his head poking through the floor in case the flash light attacked him again . " No silly , it 's not dangerous . It is only light so I can see in here . Everyone has one now . We don 't use lanterns anymore like you used too , unless we are camping in the Willows . " Kara said as she stood . The pair continued through the house opening windows on the first and second floor . Bernard didn 't tell her about the third floor that still held his treasure . He wasn 't sure why he didn 't tell her , but he thought he should keep that secret for now . Kara left that night promising to return the next day after school to help clean the house and to teach him how to " Polterguyth " things . The next evening when Bernard woke he looked out his bedroom window . He expected to see folks returning from work or walking their dog before dinner . Instead what he found was a view of a tree that shouldn 't have been there . This wasn 't his favorite tree that he had watched changed colors every year . He would have recognized that tree . Bernard thought long and hard but couldn 't remember there ever being a tree there before . " Trees don 't just move on their own , do they ? " he thought to himself . Downstairs he heard commotion , the sound of cabinets opening and closing , footsteps on the hard wood floors . The smell of pine and something strange is what caused Bernard to poke his head through the second floor to look in on what was going on below in the kitchen . There in the kitchen was Kara mop in hand humming a melody . She didn 't notice him , so Bernard said " Hello " . Kara did not respond . Concerned Bernard floated closer to her and noticed that she had strange string coming out of her ears . A worm or snake is in her ears ! Thought Bernard and he rushed to aid his friend . He grabbed the strings and pulled . " Pop " came the sound from her ear as the head on what had to be the world 's thinnest snakes came out of both of her ears . " Hey I was listening to that ! " Kara said dropping her mop handle . " I saved you ! " Bernard said . " See the snakes ! " He pointed to the black strings with strange heads now lying on the floor . " Oh right … you don 't know what these are either . I have a lot to teach you , don 't I ? " Kara said as she picked them off the floor and held them up for Bernard to see . " They are ear buds . You listen to music on them . See ? " She said pointing to the small thin box she had stuck to her belt . " They go in your ears and you pick what song you want to listen to from the list and push play . Then music comes out of those ' Snakes ' that were in my ear . " Kara said sarcastically . Bernard leaned his head closer to the small head on the string , thankful he was already a ghost because ghost can 't get bit by snakes . To his great surprise , the sounds of music came out , though the sound was much different than the phonograph tubes his mother played when he was a boy . Smiling Bernard said to Kara " Sorry , I thought they were snakes . " He looked about the kitchen which was dust free from just above the height of Kara to the floor . The room smelled of fresh pine but with a bit of astringent . It smelled clean ! " How long have you been here ? " He asked . " Since just after school . Oh , do you know what happened at school today ? " Kara asked . Bernard shook his head no . " They canceled Halloween ! Can you believe that ? We always have a Halloween party at the school , but this year they canceled it ! " " Why did they do that ? Did the adults get scared of the costumes ? They do know that it 's just children under those scary masks right ? " Bernard said . " The principle said it was due to pressure from the school board . It is the same excuse he used when he took Pizza off the lunch menu ! " Kara said putting one of her hands on her waist angrily . " Well you can have Halloween here if you want ! " Bernard said . " My house is big enough for a whole town I bet ! " " That is a great idea Bernard ! I 'll ask Nana if we can and then tell everyone at school ! This will be the best Halloween ever . Just wait until I tell them that a real ghost lives here , they will freak out ! " Kara said excitedly . Remembering the tree outside his window suddenly Bernard asked " Why is there a big tree with lots of little limbs all drooping and sad looking in the front yard ? " " Oh Nana and I planted a Whispering tree here so the city won 't tear down your house . Nana owns anything with a Whispering tree in the yard . It is part of the law from way back before I was born , maybe even before my Mom was born . " Kara said as a matter of fact . " But this is my house , how can Nana own it if it is my home ? " Bernard asked confused . " Oh didn 't I tell you ? We are moving in . Why else would I be mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen ? Nana loves a clean kitchen . " Kara replied . Bernard watched as Kara swept and wiped and cleaned and shined and polished all evening until it was time for her to leave . Bernard waved to her as she walked down the sidewalk wondering what would happen to their other home if Kara and Nana were coming to stay here . He couldn 't stop them , he was just a ghost and he hadn 't stopped any of the other families that had lived here since becoming a ghost . At least this family can see him , like Chip , his old friend the dog . Over the next few days Kara came and cleaned , Bernard watched and talked with her . This went on until one afternoon Bernard woke early to the sounds of shouting outside his window . Rubbing his eyes he floated to the window bench and sat down to look out into the yard . He couldn 't see much because of the tree that now was larger than it had been just a few days earlier . But the tree didn 't stop the sound of Nana shouting at someone about " respect for the deceased " and something about the " Willows Way " . Once Bernard came downstairs he found Kara looking out into the yard at Nana who was still talking with what now appeared to be two men . " Nana is really mad , she is going to make one of them go bald for sure ! Just watch . " Kara said looking out the glass . Bernard didn 't understand what she meant , but he watched out the window with her . Doing what he thought a friend should , just sitting quietly next to her , being there if she got scared or angry or sad or happy . Having a friend was something that Bernard had forgotten about . He had thought a lot about Chip lately . Chip had been a good friend , but he was a dog and as good of a friend as they can be he wasn 't a person that could tell him things like Kara could . After a few more minutes of Nana shaking her cane at one of them a shriek was let oA few minutes later Nana had seemed to calm down . She started putting cups away in the cabinets , forks and spoons in a drawer and even set out a white ceramic jar with the words " Nana 's Coffee " written on it . " Kara dear , you will need to work extra hard these next two weeks . We will be having several new friends staying with us . " Nana said as she turned the switch to the lights on the wall and lights glowed brightly . Saturday the 9th came and no one came to tear down the house . Instead Kara and Nana had brought over several new items into the house . According to Kara some strangers called " Movers " brought all of their belongings from their other house to this one . Bernard never saw these " Movers " , he never saw anyone , or heard anyone , or even smelled anyone that could have brought all of their things over . It just seemed to appear one day . Kara had a room just down the hall from Bernard 's . It had a horse with a horn coming out of its head painted on one wall . The other walls were pink with shiny stars covering them . The lights worked in every room of the house now , though not a single light bulb had been changed . The house was clean and warm and music seemed to play softly all the time . Nana and Kara talked a lot about things that didn 't interest Bernard , about her grades at school or about a boy that was mean to her . Sometimes they talked about weird things that he simply didn 't care to ever understand . Late one night after Nana and Kara had both gone to sleep Bernard sat looking out at the back yard which now had another tree with droopy limbs . Nana had called it a Whispering Willow . It had grown like the one that had appeared in front of his window at the front of the house , but this one had stones under it . Strangely familiar stones , some were larger than others , some were square and some were round . Others had shapes coming out of the top of them . It was while Bernard was looking at the great number of stones that now were strewn all across the back yard that Henry patted him on his shoulder . " Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh ! " Bernard shouted and turned around . He hadn 't expected anyone to touch him . " Oh hush yourself child , you will wake the dead yelling like that . " She said with a laugh . " How are you here ? You touched me ! How ? " Bernard said surprised to see the old woman from Blackwood Cemetery in his house . " Well , your friend is very special . The city is tearing down Blackwood you see . But Nana and Ka " What do you mean ' are ' ? " He asked . " It 's hard to explain child , but I think the best way to describe it is that your friends are able to help make things right . We lost our home , Nana and Kara gave us a new one . We aren 't all here yet , but we will be soon . " Henry said smiling . Henry had been right , each night more and more tombstones appeared in the backyard . Bernard would walk with Henry through the rows of graves that seemed to magically appear when he wasn 't looking . He would pass familiar ghostly faces and greet them with a smile . When he would come across an unfamiliar face Bernard would stop and visit . He would ask what their name was , when they became a ghost , if they liked it here . Each night the yard seemed to grow , both in number of graves and in size . Bernard wasn 't inclined to believe in witches and wizards , but there was something oddly magical about how his seemingly normal backyard had transformed into a replica of Blackwood Cemetery in a few short nights . Bernard rarely saw Kara during this time . The few times he did see her it was when Kara was walking hand in hand with a ghost from the old cemetery . Bernard didn 't mind her being gone so much . He had many new faces and ghost to meet and talk with . So many , that he found himself quite busy too . He missed spending time with his living friend though and hoped that she felt the same . As it turns out , ghosts are great company . You never feel alone with a cemetery full of ghosts for a backyard . They told stories of their lives and of times before his own and some after . As exciting as all of the stories were Bernard still longed to know what was happening past the gate in front of his house . He still would watch the people walking by and would still make up stories in his head about where they were coming from and where they were going . By the eve before Halloween Kara and Nana had nearly everything in place for the celebration , the cauldron was on the front lawn , the spider webs made of string covered the Whispering Tree . Nana had hung fake skeletons from the tree and ghoHalloween The sun was setting as a cool October wind hinted at winter in the coming months . The sky was clear and the Bernard could see the very first of the stars coming into view as he sat on his bench by his bedroom window . Downstairs he could hear Nana cooking in the kitchen , pots clanging and water running . The smell was rich and sweet , like candy and cakes . Outside his room he heard Kara skipping down the hall and into his room . " Are you ready ? " Kara asked . " Of course they will see you ! When Nana tells a story everyone believes her . That 's all it really takes to see a ghost anyway , if you really believe then it can come true . " Kara said in a convincing tone . Bernard wasn 't sure her plan would work . Nana and Kara wanted to tell a ghost story and have Bernard float down through the ceiling just when Nana finished telling how a ghost still haunted Muckmire Manor . In the past Bernard had tried very hard to get people to see him . He tried for many years . He tried talking to people . He tried yelling . He even threw dishes at one family when he had lost his temper . It wasn 't until Chip the dog had seen him that he knew he wasn 't invisible to everyone . Kara had been right about many things since he met her . He decided to trust his friend and see if the spooky prank would work . Bernard still doubted if anyone who wasn 't unique , like Kara or Nana , would actually see him , but it would make Kara happy so he decided to play his part of a spooky ghost . Kara skipped back down the hall and down the long wooden staircase , each step giving a slight squeak as she walked down holding onto the polished rail . Once she reached the landing at the bottom of the staircase Kara checked the front door to make sure that it was unlocked and easy to open and close . It had given her a bit of trouble the first time she had come in , when it had belonged to just Bernard . It had been dusty and old but Kara felt that the house was special and loved that she was now living at Muckmire Manor . Nana placed the last apple dripping caramel onto the wax paper to cool . " Kara , would you help your Nana and put apples into the trough and make sure they all float . You can 't have a proper Halloween Party without some fresh apples to " bob " for . " Nana said . Kara went to the pantry door twisting the handle and pulling hard . The door was one of those doors that didn 't want to open when Kara wanted it opened , but it always listened to Nana when she opened . After a brief struggle the door to the pantry opened and inside sat a brown paper bag full of fresh apples from Connie 's father 's farm . Kara had gone with Nana to get the apples the day before and had even picked a few herself . The apples had filled the pantry with a fresh smell that made her smile and decide that apples were a happy fruit . Kara carried the bag of apples to the now empty dining room . Nana had it moved to the basement while she was at school . She never said how or who helped her move things , but it always seemed to be done when Kara wasn 't around . It was just another thing that made her Nana a special Nana . A knock came from the front door while Kara was filling the trough with apples . Trying not to splash too much water out onto the wood floor she tried to hurry so she could greet her first guest of the night . After the last apple bounced off the rim of the trough and landed in the water with a splash Kara ran to the front door and opened it . " What are you holding a paper bag for ? " asked Jennifer , a girl from her first hour class . Looking down at the bag still in her hand Kara smiled and held out the bag and said " Trick or treat ! " opening the bag wide like she would if she were the one knocking on the door on Halloween . Behind Jennifer parents and children in costumes of all sorts were starting to come down the sidewalk . Witches and Wizards , monsters and heroes , movie characters , comic book heroes and villains all paraded down the street . Not only were the children dressed up , but some of the parents joined in the fun and dressed up as well . Jennifer had dressed up as an angel and her dad dressed up like the devil with red horns , a cape and a red trident with foam points on the end . Connie came with her Mom , John and Clarence were dropped off by their aunt , who also dropped off their Some guest played Pin the tail on the werewolf while others tried to find the gold coin in the big bowl of bones . Bernard watched quietly from the corner of the stairwell just out of sight . He didn 't think anyone would see him , but Kara seemed to think they might , so Bernard remained as hidden as he could while trying to see who was now in his house . Sounds of children laughing and cheering echoed through the manor . Adults talked about the events around town and how this was the biggest Halloween even the town had seen in fifty years . The appointed time came for Nana to tell the ghost story . The children gathered around her as she sat in an old rocking chair with her fine cane leaned against her leg . She began to tell a story of a boy who lived long ago and attended a school much like the one they all attended now . " He had a good family that loved him very much and lived nine happy years before he became sick with fever . It was a long time ago you see , and the doctors were not able to help him like they can now . He died because of the sickness . He died upstairs , in this very house . " Nana said as the children all became quiet . " The boy loved his family so much he didn 't cross over to the other side , he stayed . He didn 't want his mother to be sad or his father to cry , so he stayed here . He wandered the staircase and the halls and hugged his mother as often as he could while she slept . He has now haunted Muckmire Manor for the last one hundred and twenty three years . " This had been the part that Bernard had been practicing the last several days . He forced himself to stop floating and thought very hard about being heavy and solid and stomped down the hallway and onto the top of the stairs . To his very great surprise some of the children and one of the adults gasped as they all excitedly said they heard the ghost boy ! Bernard smiled extra wide at this . He waited while Nana continued her story . " You see ? He is still here , he knows you are here , he has seen each and every one of you ! " Nana waited for t " Thwump " , the third time the cane struck the floor was loud enough to make John let out a yelp . Bernard felt like something had wrapped around him and he felt tingly all over . He floated down through the ceiling like he had been instructed to do . " Open your eyes children . " Nana said gently . " Ahhhhh ! " cried Sarah . " Oh my god he really is here . " Connie 's Mom said looking at the ghostly figure of Bernard dressed in his best dressing suit with a black tie to match his small coat . Bernard smiled and said " Hi " . Every person in the room jumped at the sound , even Bernard was surprised by their sudden reaction . He started to get nervous until Nana said to the group and Bernard . " Hello Bernard , we are all very glad you could visit us tonight . We hope you are having a wonderful Halloween with all of our friends here . " " Yes ma ' am I am , thank you for inviting me . " Bernard said as he smiled his ghostly teeth at everyone trying to be friendly . " Bernard we won 't keep you long here , we just wanted to say you have friends here and that we are all very happy that you chose to visit us . I have one favor to ask though . Could you tell all your ghost friends in Blackwood Cemetery to expect visitors tonight ? " Nana asked . They had rehearsed their lines for this several times but Bernard found he had forgotten what he was supposed to say . " Uh , sure . I 'll tell Henry you all are coming to visit . " He said . Nana smiled knowing he had forgotten to sound spooky and instead sounded very excited . " Thank you Bernard , we might see you again tonight if you want to visit again . " Bernard smiled and waved at everyone as he floated back through the ceiling . He floated out a window and into the backyard to let everyone know that Kara 's ghost tour was about to begin . The band started playing their favorite song " Monster Mash " and Henry cleared her throat preparing to take the living through a long walk in the Blackwood Cemetery . Walter adjusted his vest and his tie , he checked the notes he had made for his welcome speech and smiled at Bernard who was off down the lantern lit path to make sure that everyone who could be awake was . Kara was the first to step into the cemetery and said a small prayer to the Grave Keeper before walking into the cemetery . Behind her came every person who had seen Bernard . " This way everyone , we have lots of ghost to meet and lots to see . " Kara said as she marched her friends into the cemetery where Walter waited with his big bushy mustache smiling . " Welcome , welcome Kara ! " Walter said in his booming voice with a funny accent . " I see you have guests tonight , well you are in for quite a treat . Tonight is Halloween and it is the one night a year when ghost and humans can interact . We have a great tour setup so please mind your footsteps children , stay on the lantern lit path and we will see you all back here soon . " Walter waved for the children to move forward into the cemetery . More than one reached out to touch him and their hands passed right through him and he laughed each time saying that it tickled . Kara and Henry walked down the path into the cemetery bending out of sight of Bernard who smiled at his friend . It had been a busy few days and so much had changed for Bernard . He no longer felt alone . He had a family that could see him and didn 't run away . He had met a lot of new people and none of them ran away either ! Nana had told Bernard " If you have friends anything can happen , even the things you think are impossible . " Nana was a special Nana , and now she was his Nana too . Bernard would learn later that the local paper had called the Ghost story at Muckmire Manor the best Halloween event the town had ever seen and that the home might just be haunted , but the town would have to wait until The Second Annual Muckmire Manor Halloween Festival to find out . The End

The wind howled outside the dusty Victorian window where Bernard now sat looking out at the world beyond his home . It had been many years since Bernard had last stepped outside into the soft air and warm sunlight . He did not mind staying inside all that much ; after all , his home was familiar to him . It smelled of old wood and dusty books . The leaves had started to change color , what was once green and alive now turned red and orange and brown . Fall had arrived and chilly winds had followed . Bernard sat quietly looking out the second floor window in his bedroom where he had passed many days watching the world outside . He 'd sometimes watch a dog as it walked down the street looking quite pleased with its escape from its yard . Other times Bernard would see people walking together , some smiling while others were not . People would often pass his old house ; now and then one would stop to look at the Victorian mansion with curious eyes . Now and again someone would point up to his window and say something to whomever they were with and then move along down the road chatting as friends do . They never noticed Bernard , at least most did not . Once every few years when Bernard was feeling especially lively one might catch a glimpse of him behind those paned glass windows . Today was different though . On this blustery day a young girl stood at the old iron gates that warded off the curious with its ominous blackened bars . A girl of perhaps eight with blond hair and a missing front tooth stood looking between the bars of the gate staring up at Bernard . To his great surprise she waved to him . Thinking it odd that she should wave to him Bernard did not respond . No one ever waved to him ; he was a ghost , an unseen thing to any of the living . Then she waved again , this time more earnestly , baring a smile both warm and earnest . Slowly Bernard raised his hand and waved back , at least he tried to wave back . It had been a very long time since he had waved to anyone and wasn 't quite sure if he remembered how to wave properly . His waveIt was strange to Bernard that the girl had seen him , he had been a ghost for longer than he could remember and couldn 't think of a single human in all those years who could see him . Bernard knew why many people stopped to look at his home ; it was famous in its own way . Things happened here , terrible things , things that made him into a ghost . As for exactly what those terrible things were , Bernard could not remember . Perhaps that is how being a ghost is supposed to be , you remember the good things , but not the bad . Bernard recalled when he was newly a ghost , a family moved into the house , his house . He remembered their pet dog Chip . A funny name for a dog Bernard always thought , but still Chip was as good of a name as any other he supposed . Bernard had many conversations with Chip and he always seemed to understand Bernard . There was the mother and father , then two boys that lived there for a short time . Bernard had tried to play with them , but the boys never seemed to notice him . Eventually Bernard became so angry that he threw a plate off the table one night during dinner . Noodles flew through the air and landed in a mess on the wood floor near chip , who happily accepted this mishap as a treat , eating the noodles before anyone could stop him . Though he could not recall the names of anyone at the table , Bernard did recall the mother being scared , and the father yelling angrily at the boys for playing a prank at the dinner table . Bernard had tried to apologize many times to the mother but she could never hear him . Just like the boys when he tried to play with them , he simply was never seen . The only one who saw him or knew he was there was Chip . Bernard missed Chip , he was a good dog . He 'd never had a dog when he was alive . At least he couldn 't remember ever having a dog . But Bernard knew he 'd have loved a dog if he had one when he was alive . The girl had left and in her absence the gate creaked in the wind as if it missed the company she provided in those few moments it had shared with her . The sun was starting to set and Bernard thought it would be best to turn in for the night . Bernard did many of the same things he did when he was alive , though he thought that perhaps brushing his teeth might be silly since he was a ghost , but he still liked the feeling of the brush on his tongue as he cleaned his teeth . It was while he was in the bathroom that a knock came from somewhere in the house . Looking about , Bernard listened quietly to the stillness , then " Knock , Knock " the sound came again . After a moment more of looking about Bernard realized it was the front door ! How long had it been since someone came knocking on his front door ? He could not be sure , but it was long enough he had forgotten what the sound was , then the sound rang out again . " Knock , Knock ! " Bernard spit then rinsed his mouth out quickly then headed for the front door stopping just before he opened it . Thinking it might be a trick or someone breaking in he decided to peek through the glass peep hole in the door . It is what his mother often did when visitors came knocking on the big front door . Beyond the warped glass of the peephole stood the little blond girl from the gate , dressed in a coat looking impatiently at the door then she reached up with her little hand making a fist then " Knock , Knock , Knock ! " Bernard wasn 't sure of what he should do . " No one visits ghosts , no one can see me " Bernard thought as he looked away from the peep hole . A fourth round of Knocks came and he looked back at the peep hole and the girl was now looking right back at him then she opened her mouth . " Helloooooooo ! " she said loud enough Bernard could hear her perfectly through the door . " I know you 're in there , I saw you in the window ! Open the door please . " said the little girl through the large oak door . Bernard was a little scared , no one could see him . At least no one had seen him since , well , since he became a ghost . Not wanting to be rude Bernard reached for the lock and pushed the bolt back just enough that the door came open . It was hard to do , but she was the first one to see him since Chip the dog and he felt a twinge of excitement rush through his ghostly body as the lock made a small " click " noise . The door clicked then opened as the young girl pushed on the door handle . The large old heavy oak door opened slightly with a loud creaking noise . Pushing harder the young girl was able to push it far enough to squeeze through the opening then looked up to Bernard . " You aren 't very good at answering questions . My Nana said it 's not polite to ask a question back to someone who asked you one first . " She said while looking about her entrance to the old house . " So , why are you floating ? " " I … I 'm sorry … You shouldn 't be here . Um … . You should go , yes you should leave . This is no place for a girl to be . " Bernard said trying to sound like he imagined his father would . Bernard willed himself to the floor and thought hard about what to say . He hadn 't had any visitors since some teenagers had snuck in the house one summer night . Now he wasn 't sure what one is supposed to do when a visitor came to your door . As he stood there thinking what to do or say the girl stuck out her mitten covered hand . Stars sparkled on the outside of her pink gloves as her hand hovered in the air outstretched towards Bernard . " Well why not ? Are you sick ? Nana told me to not shake someone 's hand if I have been coughing and sick . So are you ? " The girl said with her hand still held out for him . " Wait you can 't come in here like this , you don 't belong here . " Bernard protested with a ghostly stomp of his foot which didn 't make even the slightest noise when it hit the floor . This didn 't stop Kara in the least bit as she walked up the stairs using the hand rail for balance . Lifting her hand from the railing she looked at the dust now on her mitten . " This place is dirty , we should clean it up if we are going to be friends and play here . Don 't you think Bernard ? " Kara said as she walked the stairs looking at the old paintings on the wooden walls that dust had covered . " Friends " ? Bernard hadn 't thought of having a friend since Chip and yet here a girl could see him just as plain as Chip could and she wanted to be friends . She had even shaken his hand ! As he stood thinking , Kara had turned the corner at the top of the stairs and headed up the second flight towards the upper floor where his room was . With the panicked thought of a girl in his room Bernard floated up through the floors pushing past the old cob webs that tickled his nose and face and came up through the floor right in front of Kara . Kara stopped for a moment and thought about what Bernard had said . " Well you are a ghost and I suppose you could do some pretty bad things to a person who made you mad . So , may I look around upstairs and also see your room with the window you watch from ? " Kara asked with a wide smile missing a front tooth . " I wouldn 't do anything to you , I couldn 't do anything . I don 't think I can anyway , but you still shouldn 't be here . This is my house and it 's old and you are far too new to be here . " With that word said Bernard thought he had the answer to his problem ! " You should just come back when you are a ghost too and then you can see my window . " Kara walked past Bernard " That 's just silly , it 's just a room with a window in it . " Not stopping this time she walked the hall to each door on the floor opening and looking inside for just a brief moment before closing it until she came to door at the end of the hall . As she opened the door Bernard flew in front of her putting his arms out wide to block her from entering . Kara simply ducked under his left arm and went inside to find a room with a bed and dresser , an empty closet , and the three paned bay windows that she had seen Bernard in earlier . Clapping her hands she ran to the window jumping up onto the old pillows that were lying on the bench under the window . Dust plumed up around her which made her cough a bit as she waved the dust from her face with her hand . Bernard laughed as the dust swirled around her . He had not known that would happen since he sat there every day without dust being kicked up . Bernard laughed , he laughed hard . It was the first time he had laughed since being a ghost . It was his first laugh , with his first friend , as a ghost . Maybe it wasn 't so bad having a friend . Maybe Kara did belong in the house he thought . That is until she turned around and walked out of the room and headed down the hall . Bernard followed behind her floating down the staircase just behind her . " You can stay , I didn 't mean it when I said you didn 't belong here . " Not wanting to see his new friend leave so soon after meeting her . " I 'll be back , I 'll come visit you soon ok . " Kara said as she pulled on the large heavy front door which creaked again . Then out the door she went waving behind her as she ran down the sidewalk and out of sight leaving Bernard alone . The house felt empty without Kara in it . Bernard couldn 't understand or explain why , but he felt sad that she had gone . He had wanted her to leave didn 't he ? He had said that he wanted her too leave , he thought to himself . Yes he wanted her out of his home , she didn 't belong there . This was a place for a ghost , not a living girl . With those thoughts swirling in his head he went to his room and watched the moon rise , cars drive past his yard and iron fence . It was nearly 3am when he went to the back of the house to watch the old chapel and cemetery come to life as it did most every night . The graveyard seemed like a fun place he 'd like to visit one day , but never seemed to remember until they were well into their party . From a distance Bernard watched as the ghost of the graveyard danced and laughed with one another . He watched until the sun started to rise and the urge to rest came over him as it did every night . So off to his bed he went to sleep . Bernard woke sometime later and opened his eye to a pair of living blue green eyes staring down at him only a couple inches away . " AAAHHHH " he yelled as the eyes fell back revealing the smiling face of Kara who started to laugh as he fell through his bed to the floor . " Why are you still sleeping ? Don 't you know it 's nearly dinner time ? " Kara asked to the bed knowing he was either inside the bed or below it . " I always sleep until now . " Kara turned her head in a ponderous way thinking . " You must be the laziest ghost I know . " She said as she bounced off the bed trailing dust behind her . " Want to go outside and play in the graveyard down the block from your house ? " Bernard hadn 't been outside ever . In fact he didn 't know if he could go outside . " I don 't know if I can . " Bernard thought for a moment " I 've never tried to go outside . I don 't know if other ghosts have mothers . I 'm the only ghost I know besides the ones in the graveyard that dance at night . " he said slightly excited by the thought of leaving the house for the first time . " Well it 's settled , after dinner we will go out to the graveyard and see if we can dance and play with the other ghost . I 've always wanted to dance with ghosts ! " Kara said . " Ghosts can 't go outside during the day , everyone knows that . " Kara responded while rolling her eyes at him as if he had just asked the silliest question a boy could ever ask . Bernard felt a flush come over his ghostly face and was slightly embarrassed for not knowing something that he obviously should know as a ghost . Kara then walked out of Bernard 's room and headed down the old dusty wooden staircase with Bernard close behind her . " When will you be finished with dinner ? " Bernard asked remembering how sometimes his mother and father would go for dinner , how he would fall asleep waiting for them to come home . Only to find that he woke the next morning to his mother patting his shoulder smiling at him telling him to get ready for the day . Bernard never knew how long his parents dinners lasted or how he always ended up in his bed the next morning ; regardless of where Bernard might have been the night before waiting up for their return . Now with Kara now leaving for dinner Bernard felt anxious , not knowing if he 'd have to fall asleep and awake somewhere else for their adventure to begin . " I won 't be gone long , just a quick trip through a rabbit hole and I 'll be back before you know it . " Kara said as she reached for the old doorknob on the front door . Bernard couldn 't stop himself from smiling as his new friend walked out the door . He smiled not because Kara was leaving , but smiling because she promised to return to him . Bernard did not have long to wait , or at least it didn 't seem like a long wait . For a ghost , waiting is not so much a thing to do , but a state of being . Bernard had waited on a great many things . He had waited on the seasons to change so he could enjoy the leaves his favorite tree change from green to gold and then float away on the autumn breeze . He had waited for new owners of his house to arrive . He had even waited on Chip to someday return and continue their conversations they once had . He had even waited on a snail to crawl from the bottom of the staircase to the top a " I don 't think I have one . It 's ok though , I don 't get cold anymore . " Bernard said smiling at his bundled friend smothered under her coat and stocking hat with a white ball on top . With little more than a sound Kara turned about and walked out the front door with Bernard just behind her . As they traveled down the side walk Bernard looked back , half expecting the house to pull him back inside . The house did not attempt to pull him nor push him . The house simply sat there as it always had , dark and empty of people or ghost , but full of dust and furniture . Noticing that Kara was walking while he floated , Bernard thought it best to do as she did and walk . He wasn 't sure if floating outside was a good idea or not . There wasn 't a roof to help keep him close to the ground out here , so Bernard settled into a pace beside Kara and they walked down the sidewalk , to the old Iron Gate where Kara stopped and held out her hand . " Do we need to shake hands again ? " Bernard asked Kara rolled her eyes at him before saying " No silly , you can 't go past your property without holding my hand . If you did then you 'd float away and I might not see you again for a very long time . But people in planes might ! " She added with a smile . Bernard took her hand feeling the warmth in it even through her star covered pink mittens . The pair then walked on to the graveyard . " Kara , what 's a plane ? " The trip wasn 't very long and didn 't take much time until the duo arrived at the cemetery , according to Kara it had only taken a short time to reach . Bernard being terrible with understanding what was a short time for living people accepted Kara 's determination of the allotted time for the travel as being short . The graveyard was old and smelled of wet leaves and stone . The grass did not receive care very often , but it wasn 't overgrown yet . The entrance was framed by a large sandstone pillar on each side giving way to a wide open area that had two paths worn down by cars , wagons and other things with wheels . On top of each pillar at the entrance stood an angel with outstretched wings , not real angels mind you , these were just statues . Bernard stood at the entrance for just a moment as Kara bowed her head and started to whisper something Bernard couldn 't quite hear . " What was that ? " Bernard asked . Looking up Kara smiled saying " Just saying thank you to the Grave Keeper for letting me visit . " Bernard looked around not knowing what a grave keeper looked like , he wasn 't sure if he would spot one even if he looked right at him . Looking about , Bernard didn 't see anyone that might or might not be a grave keeper . " You are kind of funny . " He said to Kara . " My Nana tells me I 'm funny too . She also told me that I should always thank those who are nice enough to let me visit . " Kara said . The wind howled a lonely moan across the gravestones worn and beaten down by time and storms . From where Bernard stood just outside the gates of the graveyard it appeared dark and empty . Bernard thought that none of the ghosts he had seen from his window in the nights past were in the cemetery tonight . " Perhaps the ghosts I 've seen are on holiday right now . It doesn 't look like anyone is here . " Bernard said . " Of course they are here ! You just haven 't gone inside yet . " Kara said pulling him by the hand into the old dark graveyard . As soon as Bernard crossed the threshold of the graveyard the darkness vanished , replaced by light and laughter . Looking about the graveyard , it was now lit with torches and lanterns , music danced along the wind that no longer howled but sang along with the tune of Elvis singing Jail House Rock . There were ghosts everywhere , some were young looking like Bernard and others old like his gran used to be right before she died . Kara and Bernard walked further in and the music suddenly stopped . All at once each of the ghosts in the graveyard looked at Bernard and Kara with clear shining eyes that worried Bernard . " Maybe we should just go back to the house . " He said to Kara . Kara gave his hand a squeeze then smiled and looked at all the ghosts . " Hello ! My name is Kara and this is Bernard . We wanted to know if we could join you on this fine evening ? " Out of the crowd of ghosts a tall man came forward , dressed in a tall hat and fancy jacket like someone from a very long time ago with white hair and a funny accent said . " Well , well . A fleshy has come to visit us . " As he looked around to the crowd the tall ghost turned his attention to Bernard . " She isn 't normal is she ? Also why haven 't you visited us sooner lad ? We have seen you most every night for nearly a hundred years looking out your window at us ! " Laughter and agreement rose from the crowd of ghosts . Not knowing what to say Bernard stood in place , wanting to say something witty or smart . But instead he said " Um , I don 't know . " Laughter came again from the crowd then Kara spoke loudly . " You all be nice to him , he 's been alone in that house for a very long time ! " A woman dressed in a maid 's uniform said to the ghost next to her " a hundred years isn 't that long , is it ? " Kara continued " I asked the Grave Keeper if we could enter and we were granted permission . Even my Nana said I could visit you all tonight , and she told me that you all would be excited to see us . Do I need to tell my Nana that she was wrong ? She doesn 't like to be wrong you know . " The tall ghost with the funny accent looked at Kara seriously and said . " No , we don 't know . Who is this Nana you speak of ? Is she a necromancer or a witch ? Never much liked Necromancers , though Witches were always fine by me . " Kara now with a very serious face replied to the tall man . " She is Nana , the first Nana , my Nana . Everyone knows Nana . " She said exasperated by trying to explain to the ghost who her Nana was . Leaning on a cane next to a gravestone with a flying eagle atop it a woman came forward . " Kara dear , we know many Nana 's here , I was a Nana to my seventeen grand babies . Is your Nana special or different from Nana 's like me ? " she asked in an old crackling voice sweet as honey . Kara thought for a moment and didn 't know if her Nana was special or different . But she did know one thing . " My Nana caThe old woman leaning on her cane smiled and said . " Child , if you can see us and you can talk with the Grave Keeper and your Nana planted the old Whispering Tree in the middle of town then yes , your Nana is special and different and very old . But don 't tell her I said she was old . " She said with a wink . " My name is Henrietta , but you can call me Henry . Everyone else here does . " As Kara and Henry chatted the music began to play again , ghosts began to dance with one another and laughter was heard once more . Twisting and twirling about ghost men and ghost women danced , laughed and sang along with the band . A band rumored to have once played for King Henry the IV who didn 't care for their whimsical tone and had them all beheaded . " I suppose you are telling the truth , I have a way about smelling a lie . " Henry said as she stood up leaning heavily upon her cane . Bernard stepped in line behind Kara as Henry walked away from the festivities saying " Keep up child ; you are a ghost not a snail . " Bernard who was watching the festivities had slowed his pace and now felt slightly embarrassed . Kara followed effortlessly behind Henry as she weaved her way through the cemetery . Bernard continued to bump into headstones eliciting grumbles and a few ghostly fist shakings up from the ground at him as he disturbed their slumber . All the same it was still very exciting for Bernard who quickly forgot that he had been quite scared only moments earlier when he and Kara stood before the gates of Blackwood Cemetery . Henry walked and talked with the Kara and Bernard about the cemetery and the good people who lived there . " It 's a good place to rest , I think those of us who have been here at Blackwood for a few years think it 's the best place to be . Bernard you might consider moving down here so you can be around us more . " Henry said as they passed a headstone taller than both Kara and Bernard , but not quite as tall as Henry . " Do you think the others would mind ? " Bernard asked feeling a bit of excitement welling up in his ghostly stomach while stepping over fallen sticks from the old overhanging oak tree . Henry 's withered smile grew across her translucent face as she said " you let me worry about those old bags of bones . But you will need to see if our young friend here can ferry you from your home here . It 's not safe for you to wander unguided you know . " Bernard didn 't know . He thought about how he had arrived in the cemetery , but found he was surprised that he couldn 't remember how he had actually arrived here . Bernard knew he had left his home with Kara , but after that he just knew he was here . Seeing the look of confusion on his face Kara walked over and took his hand in her small hands then closed her eyes and smiled . Her smile was beautiful Bernard thought , suddenly he remembered their long walk and the statues outside the cemetery , of Kara bowing her head whispering to the Grave Keeper . Kara continued to smile with her eyes closed as the voice of Henry spoke gently behind him . " You know nothing poor child . We can 't wander from our homes without people like her . Your friend is a special one we used to call Spirit Walkers . If you tried to journey from your home here without her you would lose your mind and become a Wraith or something worse . " Henry said as gentle as a grandmother could . When Kara let go of Bernard 's hand the memories began to slip away from him . No matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memories of the walk from his home to the cemetery . Of how he stopped floating to walk alongside Kara , about the questions he had asked , they all slipped away . Like water running through his hands the memories fell away until they were once again gone . " Why can 't I remember how I came here when you aren 't holding my hand ? " Bernard asked Kara who suddenly looked older than she had at the gate outside his home . " A ghost can 't be where a ghost shouldn 't be . " Kara said . Henry patted Bernard on the shoulder with her boney ghost hand " Come along littles , we have some talking to do with the rest of the cemetery folk to grant you haven while you are here my boy . " She walked windingly through the cemetery for what seemed like hours , mostly due to her dragging foot . Henry walked along telling stories of Gambler Pete who was buried in the northwest corner of the cemetery after he was caught cheating at cards in 1894 . Reginald Horsehoof who was an adopted Native American raised up north with some rich white folk who taught him the strangest dances which he often could be seen dancing after dark down with the others near the large sleeping tree . Henry pointed Kara to a tall headstone off to their left and told of Letty the last witch in these parts . " Turns out she isn 't even buried there and actually haunts a night club down town . " Henry said . The three walked and talked for a long while until the sounds of laughter and music could be heard and lights from the nightly ghostly gathering was a short distance from them . " Walter , I must speak with you . " Henry said as she walked leaning on her cane . The tall man who had addressed both Kara and Bernard responded to Henry by slightly nodding his head towards her in a respectful way that reminded Bernard of how his father would tip his hat towards his mom when he would leave the house . As Henry and the tall ghost called Walter walked a little ways away the sounds of the jovial ghost laughing and telling stories along with some singing swallowed any sound that Henry and Walter made , leaving their conversation a mystery to Bernard . Kara had contented herself to sit down on a tomb that was short enough for her tiny frame to sit comfortably on and swing her legs as she watched and began to sing along with the ghost who sang in merry harmony , a song Bernard did not know but enjoyed the happy tune none the less . The moon passed overhead until the waning hours of darkness before the festivities began to wind down . Bernard found himself re " Kara dear , you need to get Bernard home before the sun is fully up . Otherwise it might attract the Snatchers . I 'd hate to deal with your Nana if the Snatchers got hold of you and Bernard . " Henry said as Kara rubbed her eyes letting the knitted blanket bunch up around her waist . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to fall asleep . " Kara said through a half yawn . Kara folded the blanket carefully and handed it to Henry who took it in her ghostly hands and pulled it close to her chest . The warmth of the child still lingered for a few moments and it reminded Henry for just a moment of holding one of her littles from long ago . Bernard was finding it hard to stay awake at this point , but thanks to his new friend Carl " The Dread Pirate of Washington River " as he referred to himself , Bernard managed to make it through the night and have a lovely time . Noticing that Kara had woke Bernard walked over to her and offered his hand to help her down off the tombstone and with a few good byes and promises to visit again soon the pair headed off to Muckmire Manor hand in hand . Chapter 3 As Bernard watched Kara walk down the sidewalk in the early dawn light he noticed that a sheet of paper had been stuck to his front door . " By the edict of City Counselor Terry Hoff and Mayor Mortimer Klinger this property is set to be auctioned Saturday the 9th of October . To be sold in its entirety with all possessions of the property becoming the sole property of the highest bidder . If no bids of adequate funds are made the property is to be demolished and repurposed by the city of Mooresville . " Bernard left the notice on the door unsure of what " auction " or " repurposed " meant . " Perhaps Kara will know what this means . " He thought . Stretching his arms in the open door as the first rays of the morning sun peeked over the nearby mountain he watched the sun shine through his ghostly arm and shut the door . The sun never hurt Bernard , but he often found it annoying and hard to see things with all the light . Cloudy days were his favorite to be awake for . He could happily sit in his window and watch people walk by , coming and going about their lives unaware that he had made up names and stories for each of the people he saw . Bernard reached the top of the stairs and floated into his room without opening the door . He was simply too tired to be bothered with a door , he climbed into bed and was asleep before he could finish remembering all that had happened in the graveyard . " Knock , " knock , knock ! " rang out from the front door . It was much louder than when Kara had knocked on his front door . It was so loud that it woke him from his sleep . Bernard rubbed his hands across his face then stretched . " KNOCK , KNOCK , KNOCK ! " the front door rang out again , louder this time . Bernard floated through the floor quickly wondering who could be at his door that would knock so hard . Certain it could not be Kara he floated up to the peep hole to see who was outside . Through the looking glass he could see an older woman with very tall gray hair . Wrinkles covered her entire face and when she smiled Bernard could see for just a moment a little bit of a resemblance to Kara . " Hellooooooo dearie , open up we have much to discuss if you don 't want to be homeless . " The old woman said in a crackling voice . Memories of his life before being a ghost came to mind , an old teacher who used to call him " Dearie " and his ghostly heart warmed just a tiny bit . Bernard opened the door and before him stood a woman in a bright pink shawl over a gray dress that matched her very tall curly gray hair . Thick horn rimmed glasses with silver chain strap hung from each side of her glasses and around her neck so that they wouldn 't fall down when she took them off . She was slightly bent over and held a fine wooden cane with fairies carved all along the shaft ending in a handle of a bear head . " Kara has told me so much about you Bernard , my name is Nana . Can I come in ? " the old woman asked . " You 're Nana ? Kara 's Nana ? " Bernard asked still holding the door . " Yes , I 'm her Nana and other 's Nana as well . The wind has picked up and my old bones feel the chill of winter coming dearie . " Nana said pulling her shawl tighter with one hand while leaning on the fairy cane . Bernard concentrated and pulled the door open as far as he could . The door being from the real world and rather heavy was more of a challenge than he had thought . He had only unlocked it for Kara when she came to visit . With Nana on the other side Bernard felt it was only gentlemanly of him to open the door for her . So he did . Nana walked into the home stopping just past the threshold , closed her eyes and took a very deep breath . " You are alone child , how have you remained ? " Nana asked as she smacked her lips together as if tasting something odd . " It 's always been just me . I didn 't have anywhere else to go , so I just stayed . " Bernard replied watching Nana as she kept her eyes closed still smacking her lips together . Nana opened her eyes and coughed out a puff of dust from the deep breath she had just taken . Bernard wondered if he should go to the faucet and give her a drink . But he remembered that there were no glasses in his cupboards . Nana only coughed once to his relief . " Please come in and sit Nana , is Kara alright ? " Bernard asked . " Oh she is fine dearie , sleeping after her adventure with you last night . She had a wonderful time visiting with Henry and the others . I 'm here about the notice on your door . You must have read it by now , you do read don 't you ? " She asked as she walked over to a sofa with old stiff pillows that plumed dust as she sat . " Yes ma ' am , I can read . Though I don 't know what the notice means . " Bernard said a bit embarrassed at his lack of knowledge . " It means that certain people in town want to take your house away , along with the field and the cemetery just down the block from here . These people want to build new buildings and destroy the history of this part of town . The city Mayor thinks that this neighborhood would be best turned into apartment buildings . " Nana explained . " It means that you and all the lovely souls from Blackwood Cemetery would be ' displaced ' . This would likely end in one of two ways . The first would be the best and that would be to just cross over to the other side . But in all my years I have seen the second happen far too often when tethered earth is disturbed . The spirits turn into wraiths , things without conscious thought , consumed by hatred and fear they can even become shadow people . They will hunt and hurt people who have done no harm to them . I 'm sure you don 't want to become either of those things . " Nana said while holding her fairy cane in front of her with both hands resting atop the Bear head handle . " I don 't want to go anywhere , I like my home . I don 't want to be a shadow person or a wraith ! " Bernard said scared . " In that case , you will be seeing more of me very soon Bernard . " Nana said as she tried to stand . Her first try was her rocking forward , the second attempt had her on the edge of the couch and by the third try she was standing leaning heavily on her cane . " What should I do ? " Bernard asked following behind Nana as she walked to the door . " You just stay right here and start cleaning . You might try to open some windows and let some fresh air in here . The wood here is very tired of the same air . " Nana said as she opened the front door and closed it behind her leaving Bernard alone in a house that now seemed far too large for one tiny ghost to haunt . The hours passed and Bernard tried very hard to open the windows of the house . His ghostly hands kept slipping through the wood frame and glass every time he tried to lift . From window to window Bernard moved and tried to open the old house up but nothing gave way to his efforts . The sun had already set and it was well into the evening when most people stopped walking down the sidewalk outside his home when a soft " knock " came from the door . A " knock " that sounded very much like the one that he had heard just yesterday . Standing outside the door Bernard could see through the peep hole Kara in her pink star covered mittens waving up at him . He unlocked the door and she pushed it open smiling to her friend . " Nana said she came to visit you today . " Kara said as she walked into the living room . " Yes , she said that she would help with the auction notice and keep me from becoming a shadow person . " said Bernard . " You , and the nice ghosts at Blackwood Cemetery ! " Kara said . " She said we would have to pack up soon and that I should come help with opening the windows here . Nana said you were having a hard time opening them up like she asked . " " How could she know that ? " Bernard said embarrassed again . He had tried very hard to get them open but simply couldn 't . " Nana knows lots of things , she is very old you know . " Kara said as she went to the dining room and pushed hard on the wooden frame of a window that faced towards the cemetery . " She came from the Willows and they know everything . But everyone knows that . " Bernard didn 't know that , but he didn 't want to admit that in front of his friend . " It 's ok that you didn 't know , you are a ghost and have been in this house a long time by yourself . So , I guess its ok that you didn 't know about the Willows . Do you know about the Whispering Tree Nana planted in town ? " Kara asked as she stood on a cedar chest and pushed up on a second window . Bernard had never heard of the Willows before last night , or about the Whispering Tree . In fact , before last night Bernard hadn 't known a great number of things he now knew . Feeling less embarrassed , Bernard admitted that he didn 't know about the Willows or the Whispering Tree . " Well " Kara said . " The Willows is where really special people come from . They help things in the world , old things , like your house . Without the Willows nothing would be old , everything would be knocked down and we wouldn 't remember anything about our past . " Kara hopped down from the cedar chest and walked into the kitchen which was darker than the rest of the house . From inside her coat Kara pulled a metal stick out of her pocket and Bernard wondered what it was . " Huh ? " Kara responded looking down at her flashlight . " Oh it 's a flashlight , see ? " She said as she pushed the switch forward and light as bright as the sun illuminated Bernard 's face . Bernard fell back yelling " Ahhhhh ! " and fell through the floor into the basement . Above him he could hear Kara laughing and as he poked his head through the floor cautious of being attacked by the light stick again Kara was busy laughing and even made a snorting sound as she rolled on the ground . " Your face ! Bernard , your face was so funny ! " she laughed and snorted again like a pig . " You 've never seen a flashlight before ? " She asked . " No , isn 't it dangerous to have a sun in that stick and to carry it around in your pocket ? " Bernard asked still only keeping his head poking through the floor in case the flash light attacked him again . " No silly , it 's not dangerous . It is only light so I can see in here . Everyone has one now . We don 't use lanterns anymore like you used too , unless we are camping in the Willows . " Kara said as she stood . The pair continued through the house opening windows on the first and second floor . Bernard didn 't tell her about the third floor that still held his treasure . He wasn 't sure why he didn 't tell her , but he thought he should keep that secret for now . Kara left that night promising to return the next day after school to help clean the house and to teach him how to " Polterguyth " things . The next evening when Bernard woke he looked out his bedroom window . He expected to see folks returning from work or walking their dog before dinner . Instead what he found was a view of a tree that shouldn 't have been there . This wasn 't his favorite tree that he had watched changed colors every year . He would have recognized that tree . Bernard thought long and hard but couldn 't remember there ever being a tree there before . " Trees don 't just move on their own , do they ? " he thought to himself . Downstairs he heard commotion , the sound of cabinets opening and closing , footsteps on the hard wood floors . The smell of pine and something strange is what caused Bernard to poke his head through the second floor to look in on what was going on below in the kitchen . There in the kitchen was Kara mop in hand humming a melody . She didn 't notice him , so Bernard said " Hello " . Kara did not respond . Concerned Bernard floated closer to her and noticed that she had strange string coming out of her ears . A worm or snake is in her ears ! Thought Bernard and he rushed to aid his friend . He grabbed the strings and pulled . " Pop " came the sound from her ear as the head on what had to be the world 's thinnest snakes came out of both of her ears . " Hey I was listening to that ! " Kara said dropping her mop handle . " I saved you ! " Bernard said . " See the snakes ! " He pointed to the black strings with strange heads now lying on the floor . " Oh right … you don 't know what these are either . I have a lot to teach you , don 't I ? " Kara said as she picked them off the floor and held them up for Bernard to see . " They are ear buds . You listen to music on them . See ? " She said pointing to the small thin box she had stuck to her belt . " They go in your ears and you pick what song you want to listen to from the list and push play . Then music comes out of those ' Snakes ' that were in my ear . " Kara said sarcastically . Bernard leaned his head closer to the small head on the string , thankful he was already a ghost because ghost can 't get bit by snakes . To his great surprise , the sounds of music came out , though the sound was much different than the phonograph tubes his mother played when he was a boy . Smiling Bernard said to Kara " Sorry , I thought they were snakes . " He looked about the kitchen which was dust free from just above the height of Kara to the floor . The room smelled of fresh pine but with a bit of astringent . It smelled clean ! " How long have you been here ? " He asked . " Since just after school . Oh , do you know what happened at school today ? " Kara asked . Bernard shook his head no . " They canceled Halloween ! Can you believe that ? We always have a Halloween party at the school , but this year they canceled it ! " " Why did they do that ? Did the adults get scared of the costumes ? They do know that it 's just children under those scary masks right ? " Bernard said . " The principle said it was due to pressure from the school board . It is the same excuse he used when he took Pizza off the lunch menu ! " Kara said putting one of her hands on her waist angrily . " Well you can have Halloween here if you want ! " Bernard said . " My house is big enough for a whole town I bet ! " " That is a great idea Bernard ! I 'll ask Nana if we can and then tell everyone at school ! This will be the best Halloween ever . Just wait until I tell them that a real ghost lives here , they will freak out ! " Kara said excitedly . Remembering the tree outside his window suddenly Bernard asked " Why is there a big tree with lots of little limbs all drooping and sad looking in the front yard ? " " Oh Nana and I planted a Whispering tree here so the city won 't tear down your house . Nana owns anything with a Whispering tree in the yard . It is part of the law from way back before I was born , maybe even before my Mom was born . " Kara said as a matter of fact . " But this is my house , how can Nana own it if it is my home ? " Bernard asked confused . " Oh didn 't I tell you ? We are moving in . Why else would I be mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen ? Nana loves a clean kitchen . " Kara replied . Bernard watched as Kara swept and wiped and cleaned and shined and polished all evening until it was time for her to leave . Bernard waved to her as she walked down the sidewalk wondering what would happen to their other home if Kara and Nana were coming to stay here . He couldn 't stop them , he was just a ghost and he hadn 't stopped any of the other families that had lived here since becoming a ghost . At least this family can see him , like Chip , his old friend the dog . Over the next few days Kara came and cleaned , Bernard watched and talked with her . This went on until one afternoon Bernard woke early to the sounds of shouting outside his window . Rubbing his eyes he floated to the window bench and sat down to look out into the yard . He couldn 't see much because of the tree that now was larger than it had been just a few days earlier . But the tree didn 't stop the sound of Nana shouting at someone about " respect for the deceased " and something about the " Willows Way " . Once Bernard came downstairs he found Kara looking out into the yard at Nana who was still talking with what now appeared to be two men . " Nana is really mad , she is going to make one of them go bald for sure ! Just watch . " Kara said looking out the glass . Bernard didn 't understand what she meant , but he watched out the window with her . Doing what he thought a friend should , just sitting quietly next to her , being there if she got scared or angry or sad or happy . Having a friend was something that Bernard had forgotten about . He had thought a lot about Chip lately . Chip had been a good friend , but he was a dog and as good of a friend as they can be he wasn 't a person that could tell him things like Kara could . After a few more minutes of Nana shaking her cane at one of them a shriek was let oA few minutes later Nana had seemed to calm down . She started putting cups away in the cabinets , forks and spoons in a drawer and even set out a white ceramic jar with the words " Nana 's Coffee " written on it . " Kara dear , you will need to work extra hard these next two weeks . We will be having several new friends staying with us . " Nana said as she turned the switch to the lights on the wall and lights glowed brightly . Saturday the 9th came and no one came to tear down the house . Instead Kara and Nana had brought over several new items into the house . According to Kara some strangers called " Movers " brought all of their belongings from their other house to this one . Bernard never saw these " Movers " , he never saw anyone , or heard anyone , or even smelled anyone that could have brought all of their things over . It just seemed to appear one day . Kara had a room just down the hall from Bernard 's . It had a horse with a horn coming out of its head painted on one wall . The other walls were pink with shiny stars covering them . The lights worked in every room of the house now , though not a single light bulb had been changed . The house was clean and warm and music seemed to play softly all the time . Nana and Kara talked a lot about things that didn 't interest Bernard , about her grades at school or about a boy that was mean to her . Sometimes they talked about weird things that he simply didn 't care to ever understand . Late one night after Nana and Kara had both gone to sleep Bernard sat looking out at the back yard which now had another tree with droopy limbs . Nana had called it a Whispering Willow . It had grown like the one that had appeared in front of his window at the front of the house , but this one had stones under it . Strangely familiar stones , some were larger than others , some were square and some were round . Others had shapes coming out of the top of them . It was while Bernard was looking at the great number of stones that now were strewn all across the back yard that Henry patted him on his shoulder . " Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh ! " Bernard shouted and turned around . He hadn 't expected anyone to touch him . " Oh hush yourself child , you will wake the dead yelling like that . " She said with a laugh . " How are you here ? You touched me ! How ? " Bernard said surprised to see the old woman from Blackwood Cemetery in his house . " Well , your friend is very special . The city is tearing down Blackwood you see . But Nana and Ka " What do you mean ' are ' ? " He asked . " It 's hard to explain child , but I think the best way to describe it is that your friends are able to help make things right . We lost our home , Nana and Kara gave us a new one . We aren 't all here yet , but we will be soon . " Henry said smiling . Henry had been right , each night more and more tombstones appeared in the backyard . Bernard would walk with Henry through the rows of graves that seemed to magically appear when he wasn 't looking . He would pass familiar ghostly faces and greet them with a smile . When he would come across an unfamiliar face Bernard would stop and visit . He would ask what their name was , when they became a ghost , if they liked it here . Each night the yard seemed to grow , both in number of graves and in size . Bernard wasn 't inclined to believe in witches and wizards , but there was something oddly magical about how his seemingly normal backyard had transformed into a replica of Blackwood Cemetery in a few short nights . Bernard rarely saw Kara during this time . The few times he did see her it was when Kara was walking hand in hand with a ghost from the old cemetery . Bernard didn 't mind her being gone so much . He had many new faces and ghost to meet and talk with . So many , that he found himself quite busy too . He missed spending time with his living friend though and hoped that she felt the same . As it turns out , ghosts are great company . You never feel alone with a cemetery full of ghosts for a backyard . They told stories of their lives and of times before his own and some after . As exciting as all of the stories were Bernard still longed to know what was happening past the gate in front of his house . He still would watch the people walking by and would still make up stories in his head about where they were coming from and where they were going . By the eve before Halloween Kara and Nana had nearly everything in place for the celebration , the cauldron was on the front lawn , the spider webs made of string covered the Whispering Tree . Nana had hung fake skeletons from the tree and ghoHalloween The sun was setting as a cool October wind hinted at winter in the coming months . The sky was clear and the Bernard could see the very first of the stars coming into view as he sat on his bench by his bedroom window . Downstairs he could hear Nana cooking in the kitchen , pots clanging and water running . The smell was rich and sweet , like candy and cakes . Outside his room he heard Kara skipping down the hall and into his room . " Are you ready ? " Kara asked . " Of course they will see you ! When Nana tells a story everyone believes her . That 's all it really takes to see a ghost anyway , if you really believe then it can come true . " Kara said in a convincing tone . Bernard wasn 't sure her plan would work . Nana and Kara wanted to tell a ghost story and have Bernard float down through the ceiling just when Nana finished telling how a ghost still haunted Muckmire Manor . In the past Bernard had tried very hard to get people to see him . He tried for many years . He tried talking to people . He tried yelling . He even threw dishes at one family when he had lost his temper . It wasn 't until Chip the dog had seen him that he knew he wasn 't invisible to everyone . Kara had been right about many things since he met her . He decided to trust his friend and see if the spooky prank would work . Bernard still doubted if anyone who wasn 't unique , like Kara or Nana , would actually see him , but it would make Kara happy so he decided to play his part of a spooky ghost . Kara skipped back down the hall and down the long wooden staircase , each step giving a slight squeak as she walked down holding onto the polished rail . Once she reached the landing at the bottom of the staircase Kara checked the front door to make sure that it was unlocked and easy to open and close . It had given her a bit of trouble the first time she had come in , when it had belonged to just Bernard . It had been dusty and old but Kara felt that the house was special and loved that she was now living at Muckmire Manor . Nana placed the last apple dripping caramel onto the wax paper to cool . " Kara , would you help your Nana and put apples into the trough and make sure they all float . You can 't have a proper Halloween Party without some fresh apples to " bob " for . " Nana said . Kara went to the pantry door twisting the handle and pulling hard . The door was one of those doors that didn 't want to open when Kara wanted it opened , but it always listened to Nana when she opened . After a brief struggle the door to the pantry opened and inside sat a brown paper bag full of fresh apples from Connie 's father 's farm . Kara had gone with Nana to get the apples the day before and had even picked a few herself . The apples had filled the pantry with a fresh smell that made her smile and decide that apples were a happy fruit . Kara carried the bag of apples to the now empty dining room . Nana had it moved to the basement while she was at school . She never said how or who helped her move things , but it always seemed to be done when Kara wasn 't around . It was just another thing that made her Nana a special Nana . A knock came from the front door while Kara was filling the trough with apples . Trying not to splash too much water out onto the wood floor she tried to hurry so she could greet her first guest of the night . After the last apple bounced off the rim of the trough and landed in the water with a splash Kara ran to the front door and opened it . " What are you holding a paper bag for ? " asked Jennifer , a girl from her first hour class . Looking down at the bag still in her hand Kara smiled and held out the bag and said " Trick or treat ! " opening the bag wide like she would if she were the one knocking on the door on Halloween . Behind Jennifer parents and children in costumes of all sorts were starting to come down the sidewalk . Witches and Wizards , monsters and heroes , movie characters , comic book heroes and villains all paraded down the street . Not only were the children dressed up , but some of the parents joined in the fun and dressed up as well . Jennifer had dressed up as an angel and her dad dressed up like the devil with red horns , a cape and a red trident with foam points on the end . Connie came with her Mom , John and Clarence were dropped off by their aunt , who also dropped off their Some guest played Pin the tail on the werewolf while others tried to find the gold coin in the big bowl of bones . Bernard watched quietly from the corner of the stairwell just out of sight . He didn 't think anyone would see him , but Kara seemed to think they might , so Bernard remained as hidden as he could while trying to see who was now in his house . Sounds of children laughing and cheering echoed through the manor . Adults talked about the events around town and how this was the biggest Halloween even the town had seen in fifty years . The appointed time came for Nana to tell the ghost story . The children gathered around her as she sat in an old rocking chair with her fine cane leaned against her leg . She began to tell a story of a boy who lived long ago and attended a school much like the one they all attended now . " He had a good family that loved him very much and lived nine happy years before he became sick with fever . It was a long time ago you see , and the doctors were not able to help him like they can now . He died because of the sickness . He died upstairs , in this very house . " Nana said as the children all became quiet . " The boy loved his family so much he didn 't cross over to the other side , he stayed . He didn 't want his mother to be sad or his father to cry , so he stayed here . He wandered the staircase and the halls and hugged his mother as often as he could while she slept . He has now haunted Muckmire Manor for the last one hundred and twenty three years . " This had been the part that Bernard had been practicing the last several days . He forced himself to stop floating and thought very hard about being heavy and solid and stomped down the hallway and onto the top of the stairs . To his very great surprise some of the children and one of the adults gasped as they all excitedly said they heard the ghost boy ! Bernard smiled extra wide at this . He waited while Nana continued her story . " You see ? He is still here , he knows you are here , he has seen each and every one of you ! " Nana waited for t " Thwump " , the third time the cane struck the floor was loud enough to make John let out a yelp . Bernard felt like something had wrapped around him and he felt tingly all over . He floated down through the ceiling like he had been instructed to do . " Open your eyes children . " Nana said gently . " Ahhhhh ! " cried Sarah . " Oh my god he really is here . " Connie 's Mom said looking at the ghostly figure of Bernard dressed in his best dressing suit with a black tie to match his small coat . Bernard smiled and said " Hi " . Every person in the room jumped at the sound , even Bernard was surprised by their sudden reaction . He started to get nervous until Nana said to the group and Bernard . " Hello Bernard , we are all very glad you could visit us tonight . We hope you are having a wonderful Halloween with all of our friends here . " " Yes ma ' am I am , thank you for inviting me . " Bernard said as he smiled his ghostly teeth at everyone trying to be friendly . " Bernard we won 't keep you long here , we just wanted to say you have friends here and that we are all very happy that you chose to visit us . I have one favor to ask though . Could you tell all your ghost friends in Blackwood Cemetery to expect visitors tonight ? " Nana asked . They had rehearsed their lines for this several times but Bernard found he had forgotten what he was supposed to say . " Uh , sure . I 'll tell Henry you all are coming to visit . " He said . Nana smiled knowing he had forgotten to sound spooky and instead sounded very excited . " Thank you Bernard , we might see you again tonight if you want to visit again . " Bernard smiled and waved at everyone as he floated back through the ceiling . He floated out a window and into the backyard to let everyone know that Kara 's ghost tour was about to begin . The band started playing their favorite song " Monster Mash " and Henry cleared her throat preparing to take the living through a long walk in the Blackwood Cemetery . Walter adjusted his vest and his tie , he checked the notes he had made for his welcome speech and smiled at Bernard who was off down the lantern lit path to make sure that everyone who could be awake was . Kara was the first to step into the cemetery and said a small prayer to the Grave Keeper before walking into the cemetery . Behind her came every person who had seen Bernard . " This way everyone , we have lots of ghost to meet and lots to see . " Kara said as she marched her friends into the cemetery where Walter waited with his big bushy mustache smiling . " Welcome , welcome Kara ! " Walter said in his booming voice with a funny accent . " I see you have guests tonight , well you are in for quite a treat . Tonight is Halloween and it is the one night a year when ghost and humans can interact . We have a great tour setup so please mind your footsteps children , stay on the lantern lit path and we will see you all back here soon . " Walter waved for the children to move forward into the cemetery . More than one reached out to touch him and their hands passed right through him and he laughed each time saying that it tickled . Kara and Henry walked down the path into the cemetery bending out of sight of Bernard who smiled at his friend . It had been a busy few days and so much had changed for Bernard . He no longer felt alone . He had a family that could see him and didn 't run away . He had met a lot of new people and none of them ran away either ! Nana had told Bernard " If you have friends anything can happen , even the things you think are impossible . " Nana was a special Nana , and now she was his Nana too . Bernard would learn later that the local paper had called the Ghost story at Muckmire Manor the best Halloween event the town had ever seen and that the home might just be haunted , but the town would have to wait until The Second Annual Muckmire Manor Halloween Festival to find out . The End

The wind howled outside the dusty Victorian window where Bernard now sat looking out at the world beyond his home . It had been many years since Bernard had last stepped outside into the soft air and warm sunlight . He did not mind staying inside all that much ; after all , his home was familiar to him . It smelled of old wood and dusty books . The leaves had started to change color , what was once green and alive now turned red and orange and brown . Fall had arrived and chilly winds had followed . Bernard sat quietly looking out the second floor window in his bedroom where he had passed many days watching the world outside . He 'd sometimes watch a dog as it walked down the street looking quite pleased with its escape from its yard . Other times Bernard would see people walking together , some smiling while others were not . People would often pass his old house ; now and then one would stop to look at the Victorian mansion with curious eyes . Now and again someone would point up to his window and say something to whomever they were with and then move along down the road chatting as friends do . They never noticed Bernard , at least most did not . Once every few years when Bernard was feeling especially lively one might catch a glimpse of him behind those paned glass windows . Today was different though . On this blustery day a young girl stood at the old iron gates that warded off the curious with its ominous blackened bars . A girl of perhaps eight with blond hair and a missing front tooth stood looking between the bars of the gate staring up at Bernard . To his great surprise she waved to him . Thinking it odd that she should wave to him Bernard did not respond . No one ever waved to him ; he was a ghost , an unseen thing to any of the living . Then she waved again , this time more earnestly , baring a smile both warm and earnest . Slowly Bernard raised his hand and waved back , at least he tried to wave back . It had been a very long time since he had waved to anyone and wasn 't quite sure if he remembered how to wave properly . His waveIt was strange to Bernard that the girl had seen him , he had been a ghost for longer than he could remember and couldn 't think of a single human in all those years who could see him . Bernard knew why many people stopped to look at his home ; it was famous in its own way . Things happened here , terrible things , things that made him into a ghost . As for exactly what those terrible things were , Bernard could not remember . Perhaps that is how being a ghost is supposed to be , you remember the good things , but not the bad . Bernard recalled when he was newly a ghost , a family moved into the house , his house . He remembered their pet dog Chip . A funny name for a dog Bernard always thought , but still Chip was as good of a name as any other he supposed . Bernard had many conversations with Chip and he always seemed to understand Bernard . There was the mother and father , then two boys that lived there for a short time . Bernard had tried to play with them , but the boys never seemed to notice him . Eventually Bernard became so angry that he threw a plate off the table one night during dinner . Noodles flew through the air and landed in a mess on the wood floor near chip , who happily accepted this mishap as a treat , eating the noodles before anyone could stop him . Though he could not recall the names of anyone at the table , Bernard did recall the mother being scared , and the father yelling angrily at the boys for playing a prank at the dinner table . Bernard had tried to apologize many times to the mother but she could never hear him . Just like the boys when he tried to play with them , he simply was never seen . The only one who saw him or knew he was there was Chip . Bernard missed Chip , he was a good dog . He 'd never had a dog when he was alive . At least he couldn 't remember ever having a dog . But Bernard knew he 'd have loved a dog if he had one when he was alive . The girl had left and in her absence the gate creaked in the wind as if it missed the company she provided in those few moments it had shared with her . The sun was starting to set and Bernard thought it would be best to turn in for the night . Bernard did many of the same things he did when he was alive , though he thought that perhaps brushing his teeth might be silly since he was a ghost , but he still liked the feeling of the brush on his tongue as he cleaned his teeth . It was while he was in the bathroom that a knock came from somewhere in the house . Looking about , Bernard listened quietly to the stillness , then " Knock , Knock " the sound came again . After a moment more of looking about Bernard realized it was the front door ! How long had it been since someone came knocking on his front door ? He could not be sure , but it was long enough he had forgotten what the sound was , then the sound rang out again . " Knock , Knock ! " Bernard spit then rinsed his mouth out quickly then headed for the front door stopping just before he opened it . Thinking it might be a trick or someone breaking in he decided to peek through the glass peep hole in the door . It is what his mother often did when visitors came knocking on the big front door . Beyond the warped glass of the peephole stood the little blond girl from the gate , dressed in a coat looking impatiently at the door then she reached up with her little hand making a fist then " Knock , Knock , Knock ! " Bernard wasn 't sure of what he should do . " No one visits ghosts , no one can see me " Bernard thought as he looked away from the peep hole . A fourth round of Knocks came and he looked back at the peep hole and the girl was now looking right back at him then she opened her mouth . " Helloooooooo ! " she said loud enough Bernard could hear her perfectly through the door . " I know you 're in there , I saw you in the window ! Open the door please . " said the little girl through the large oak door . Bernard was a little scared , no one could see him . At least no one had seen him since , well , since he became a ghost . Not wanting to be rude Bernard reached for the lock and pushed the bolt back just enough that the door came open . It was hard to do , but she was the first one to see him since Chip the dog and he felt a twinge of excitement rush through his ghostly body as the lock made a small " click " noise . The door clicked then opened as the young girl pushed on the door handle . The large old heavy oak door opened slightly with a loud creaking noise . Pushing harder the young girl was able to push it far enough to squeeze through the opening then looked up to Bernard . " You aren 't very good at answering questions . My Nana said it 's not polite to ask a question back to someone who asked you one first . " She said while looking about her entrance to the old house . " So , why are you floating ? " " I … I 'm sorry … You shouldn 't be here . Um … . You should go , yes you should leave . This is no place for a girl to be . " Bernard said trying to sound like he imagined his father would . Bernard willed himself to the floor and thought hard about what to say . He hadn 't had any visitors since some teenagers had snuck in the house one summer night . Now he wasn 't sure what one is supposed to do when a visitor came to your door . As he stood there thinking what to do or say the girl stuck out her mitten covered hand . Stars sparkled on the outside of her pink gloves as her hand hovered in the air outstretched towards Bernard . " Well why not ? Are you sick ? Nana told me to not shake someone 's hand if I have been coughing and sick . So are you ? " The girl said with her hand still held out for him . " Wait you can 't come in here like this , you don 't belong here . " Bernard protested with a ghostly stomp of his foot which didn 't make even the slightest noise when it hit the floor . This didn 't stop Kara in the least bit as she walked up the stairs using the hand rail for balance . Lifting her hand from the railing she looked at the dust now on her mitten . " This place is dirty , we should clean it up if we are going to be friends and play here . Don 't you think Bernard ? " Kara said as she walked the stairs looking at the old paintings on the wooden walls that dust had covered . " Friends " ? Bernard hadn 't thought of having a friend since Chip and yet here a girl could see him just as plain as Chip could and she wanted to be friends . She had even shaken his hand ! As he stood thinking , Kara had turned the corner at the top of the stairs and headed up the second flight towards the upper floor where his room was . With the panicked thought of a girl in his room Bernard floated up through the floors pushing past the old cob webs that tickled his nose and face and came up through the floor right in front of Kara . Kara stopped for a moment and thought about what Bernard had said . " Well you are a ghost and I suppose you could do some pretty bad things to a person who made you mad . So , may I look around upstairs and also see your room with the window you watch from ? " Kara asked with a wide smile missing a front tooth . " I wouldn 't do anything to you , I couldn 't do anything . I don 't think I can anyway , but you still shouldn 't be here . This is my house and it 's old and you are far too new to be here . " With that word said Bernard thought he had the answer to his problem ! " You should just come back when you are a ghost too and then you can see my window . " Kara walked past Bernard " That 's just silly , it 's just a room with a window in it . " Not stopping this time she walked the hall to each door on the floor opening and looking inside for just a brief moment before closing it until she came to door at the end of the hall . As she opened the door Bernard flew in front of her putting his arms out wide to block her from entering . Kara simply ducked under his left arm and went inside to find a room with a bed and dresser , an empty closet , and the three paned bay windows that she had seen Bernard in earlier . Clapping her hands she ran to the window jumping up onto the old pillows that were lying on the bench under the window . Dust plumed up around her which made her cough a bit as she waved the dust from her face with her hand . Bernard laughed as the dust swirled around her . He had not known that would happen since he sat there every day without dust being kicked up . Bernard laughed , he laughed hard . It was the first time he had laughed since being a ghost . It was his first laugh , with his first friend , as a ghost . Maybe it wasn 't so bad having a friend . Maybe Kara did belong in the house he thought . That is until she turned around and walked out of the room and headed down the hall . Bernard followed behind her floating down the staircase just behind her . " You can stay , I didn 't mean it when I said you didn 't belong here . " Not wanting to see his new friend leave so soon after meeting her . " I 'll be back , I 'll come visit you soon ok . " Kara said as she pulled on the large heavy front door which creaked again . Then out the door she went waving behind her as she ran down the sidewalk and out of sight leaving Bernard alone . The house felt empty without Kara in it . Bernard couldn 't understand or explain why , but he felt sad that she had gone . He had wanted her to leave didn 't he ? He had said that he wanted her too leave , he thought to himself . Yes he wanted her out of his home , she didn 't belong there . This was a place for a ghost , not a living girl . With those thoughts swirling in his head he went to his room and watched the moon rise , cars drive past his yard and iron fence . It was nearly 3am when he went to the back of the house to watch the old chapel and cemetery come to life as it did most every night . The graveyard seemed like a fun place he 'd like to visit one day , but never seemed to remember until they were well into their party . From a distance Bernard watched as the ghost of the graveyard danced and laughed with one another . He watched until the sun started to rise and the urge to rest came over him as it did every night . So off to his bed he went to sleep . Bernard woke sometime later and opened his eye to a pair of living blue green eyes staring down at him only a couple inches away . " AAAHHHH " he yelled as the eyes fell back revealing the smiling face of Kara who started to laugh as he fell through his bed to the floor . " Why are you still sleeping ? Don 't you know it 's nearly dinner time ? " Kara asked to the bed knowing he was either inside the bed or below it . " I always sleep until now . " Kara turned her head in a ponderous way thinking . " You must be the laziest ghost I know . " She said as she bounced off the bed trailing dust behind her . " Want to go outside and play in the graveyard down the block from your house ? " Bernard hadn 't been outside ever . In fact he didn 't know if he could go outside . " I don 't know if I can . " Bernard thought for a moment " I 've never tried to go outside . I don 't know if other ghosts have mothers . I 'm the only ghost I know besides the ones in the graveyard that dance at night . " he said slightly excited by the thought of leaving the house for the first time . " Well it 's settled , after dinner we will go out to the graveyard and see if we can dance and play with the other ghost . I 've always wanted to dance with ghosts ! " Kara said . " Ghosts can 't go outside during the day , everyone knows that . " Kara responded while rolling her eyes at him as if he had just asked the silliest question a boy could ever ask . Bernard felt a flush come over his ghostly face and was slightly embarrassed for not knowing something that he obviously should know as a ghost . Kara then walked out of Bernard 's room and headed down the old dusty wooden staircase with Bernard close behind her . " When will you be finished with dinner ? " Bernard asked remembering how sometimes his mother and father would go for dinner , how he would fall asleep waiting for them to come home . Only to find that he woke the next morning to his mother patting his shoulder smiling at him telling him to get ready for the day . Bernard never knew how long his parents dinners lasted or how he always ended up in his bed the next morning ; regardless of where Bernard might have been the night before waiting up for their return . Now with Kara now leaving for dinner Bernard felt anxious , not knowing if he 'd have to fall asleep and awake somewhere else for their adventure to begin . " I won 't be gone long , just a quick trip through a rabbit hole and I 'll be back before you know it . " Kara said as she reached for the old doorknob on the front door . Bernard couldn 't stop himself from smiling as his new friend walked out the door . He smiled not because Kara was leaving , but smiling because she promised to return to him . Bernard did not have long to wait , or at least it didn 't seem like a long wait . For a ghost , waiting is not so much a thing to do , but a state of being . Bernard had waited on a great many things . He had waited on the seasons to change so he could enjoy the leaves his favorite tree change from green to gold and then float away on the autumn breeze . He had waited for new owners of his house to arrive . He had even waited on Chip to someday return and continue their conversations they once had . He had even waited on a snail to crawl from the bottom of the staircase to the top a " I don 't think I have one . It 's ok though , I don 't get cold anymore . " Bernard said smiling at his bundled friend smothered under her coat and stocking hat with a white ball on top . With little more than a sound Kara turned about and walked out the front door with Bernard just behind her . As they traveled down the side walk Bernard looked back , half expecting the house to pull him back inside . The house did not attempt to pull him nor push him . The house simply sat there as it always had , dark and empty of people or ghost , but full of dust and furniture . Noticing that Kara was walking while he floated , Bernard thought it best to do as she did and walk . He wasn 't sure if floating outside was a good idea or not . There wasn 't a roof to help keep him close to the ground out here , so Bernard settled into a pace beside Kara and they walked down the sidewalk , to the old Iron Gate where Kara stopped and held out her hand . " Do we need to shake hands again ? " Bernard asked Kara rolled her eyes at him before saying " No silly , you can 't go past your property without holding my hand . If you did then you 'd float away and I might not see you again for a very long time . But people in planes might ! " She added with a smile . Bernard took her hand feeling the warmth in it even through her star covered pink mittens . The pair then walked on to the graveyard . " Kara , what 's a plane ? " The trip wasn 't very long and didn 't take much time until the duo arrived at the cemetery , according to Kara it had only taken a short time to reach . Bernard being terrible with understanding what was a short time for living people accepted Kara 's determination of the allotted time for the travel as being short . The graveyard was old and smelled of wet leaves and stone . The grass did not receive care very often , but it wasn 't overgrown yet . The entrance was framed by a large sandstone pillar on each side giving way to a wide open area that had two paths worn down by cars , wagons and other things with wheels . On top of each pillar at the entrance stood an angel with outstretched wings , not real angels mind you , these were just statues . Bernard stood at the entrance for just a moment as Kara bowed her head and started to whisper something Bernard couldn 't quite hear . " What was that ? " Bernard asked . Looking up Kara smiled saying " Just saying thank you to the Grave Keeper for letting me visit . " Bernard looked around not knowing what a grave keeper looked like , he wasn 't sure if he would spot one even if he looked right at him . Looking about , Bernard didn 't see anyone that might or might not be a grave keeper . " You are kind of funny . " He said to Kara . " My Nana tells me I 'm funny too . She also told me that I should always thank those who are nice enough to let me visit . " Kara said . The wind howled a lonely moan across the gravestones worn and beaten down by time and storms . From where Bernard stood just outside the gates of the graveyard it appeared dark and empty . Bernard thought that none of the ghosts he had seen from his window in the nights past were in the cemetery tonight . " Perhaps the ghosts I 've seen are on holiday right now . It doesn 't look like anyone is here . " Bernard said . " Of course they are here ! You just haven 't gone inside yet . " Kara said pulling him by the hand into the old dark graveyard . As soon as Bernard crossed the threshold of the graveyard the darkness vanished , replaced by light and laughter . Looking about the graveyard , it was now lit with torches and lanterns , music danced along the wind that no longer howled but sang along with the tune of Elvis singing Jail House Rock . There were ghosts everywhere , some were young looking like Bernard and others old like his gran used to be right before she died . Kara and Bernard walked further in and the music suddenly stopped . All at once each of the ghosts in the graveyard looked at Bernard and Kara with clear shining eyes that worried Bernard . " Maybe we should just go back to the house . " He said to Kara . Kara gave his hand a squeeze then smiled and looked at all the ghosts . " Hello ! My name is Kara and this is Bernard . We wanted to know if we could join you on this fine evening ? " Out of the crowd of ghosts a tall man came forward , dressed in a tall hat and fancy jacket like someone from a very long time ago with white hair and a funny accent said . " Well , well . A fleshy has come to visit us . " As he looked around to the crowd the tall ghost turned his attention to Bernard . " She isn 't normal is she ? Also why haven 't you visited us sooner lad ? We have seen you most every night for nearly a hundred years looking out your window at us ! " Laughter and agreement rose from the crowd of ghosts . Not knowing what to say Bernard stood in place , wanting to say something witty or smart . But instead he said " Um , I don 't know . " Laughter came again from the crowd then Kara spoke loudly . " You all be nice to him , he 's been alone in that house for a very long time ! " A woman dressed in a maid 's uniform said to the ghost next to her " a hundred years isn 't that long , is it ? " Kara continued " I asked the Grave Keeper if we could enter and we were granted permission . Even my Nana said I could visit you all tonight , and she told me that you all would be excited to see us . Do I need to tell my Nana that she was wrong ? She doesn 't like to be wrong you know . " The tall ghost with the funny accent looked at Kara seriously and said . " No , we don 't know . Who is this Nana you speak of ? Is she a necromancer or a witch ? Never much liked Necromancers , though Witches were always fine by me . " Kara now with a very serious face replied to the tall man . " She is Nana , the first Nana , my Nana . Everyone knows Nana . " She said exasperated by trying to explain to the ghost who her Nana was . Leaning on a cane next to a gravestone with a flying eagle atop it a woman came forward . " Kara dear , we know many Nana 's here , I was a Nana to my seventeen grand babies . Is your Nana special or different from Nana 's like me ? " she asked in an old crackling voice sweet as honey . Kara thought for a moment and didn 't know if her Nana was special or different . But she did know one thing . " My Nana caThe old woman leaning on her cane smiled and said . " Child , if you can see us and you can talk with the Grave Keeper and your Nana planted the old Whispering Tree in the middle of town then yes , your Nana is special and different and very old . But don 't tell her I said she was old . " She said with a wink . " My name is Henrietta , but you can call me Henry . Everyone else here does . " As Kara and Henry chatted the music began to play again , ghosts began to dance with one another and laughter was heard once more . Twisting and twirling about ghost men and ghost women danced , laughed and sang along with the band . A band rumored to have once played for King Henry the IV who didn 't care for their whimsical tone and had them all beheaded . " I suppose you are telling the truth , I have a way about smelling a lie . " Henry said as she stood up leaning heavily upon her cane . Bernard stepped in line behind Kara as Henry walked away from the festivities saying " Keep up child ; you are a ghost not a snail . " Bernard who was watching the festivities had slowed his pace and now felt slightly embarrassed . Kara followed effortlessly behind Henry as she weaved her way through the cemetery . Bernard continued to bump into headstones eliciting grumbles and a few ghostly fist shakings up from the ground at him as he disturbed their slumber . All the same it was still very exciting for Bernard who quickly forgot that he had been quite scared only moments earlier when he and Kara stood before the gates of Blackwood Cemetery . Henry walked and talked with the Kara and Bernard about the cemetery and the good people who lived there . " It 's a good place to rest , I think those of us who have been here at Blackwood for a few years think it 's the best place to be . Bernard you might consider moving down here so you can be around us more . " Henry said as they passed a headstone taller than both Kara and Bernard , but not quite as tall as Henry . " Do you think the others would mind ? " Bernard asked feeling a bit of excitement welling up in his ghostly stomach while stepping over fallen sticks from the old overhanging oak tree . Henry 's withered smile grew across her translucent face as she said " you let me worry about those old bags of bones . But you will need to see if our young friend here can ferry you from your home here . It 's not safe for you to wander unguided you know . " Bernard didn 't know . He thought about how he had arrived in the cemetery , but found he was surprised that he couldn 't remember how he had actually arrived here . Bernard knew he had left his home with Kara , but after that he just knew he was here . Seeing the look of confusion on his face Kara walked over and took his hand in her small hands then closed her eyes and smiled . Her smile was beautiful Bernard thought , suddenly he remembered their long walk and the statues outside the cemetery , of Kara bowing her head whispering to the Grave Keeper . Kara continued to smile with her eyes closed as the voice of Henry spoke gently behind him . " You know nothing poor child . We can 't wander from our homes without people like her . Your friend is a special one we used to call Spirit Walkers . If you tried to journey from your home here without her you would lose your mind and become a Wraith or something worse . " Henry said as gentle as a grandmother could . When Kara let go of Bernard 's hand the memories began to slip away from him . No matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memories of the walk from his home to the cemetery . Of how he stopped floating to walk alongside Kara , about the questions he had asked , they all slipped away . Like water running through his hands the memories fell away until they were once again gone . " Why can 't I remember how I came here when you aren 't holding my hand ? " Bernard asked Kara who suddenly looked older than she had at the gate outside his home . " A ghost can 't be where a ghost shouldn 't be . " Kara said . Henry patted Bernard on the shoulder with her boney ghost hand " Come along littles , we have some talking to do with the rest of the cemetery folk to grant you haven while you are here my boy . " She walked windingly through the cemetery for what seemed like hours , mostly due to her dragging foot . Henry walked along telling stories of Gambler Pete who was buried in the northwest corner of the cemetery after he was caught cheating at cards in 1894 . Reginald Horsehoof who was an adopted Native American raised up north with some rich white folk who taught him the strangest dances which he often could be seen dancing after dark down with the others near the large sleeping tree . Henry pointed Kara to a tall headstone off to their left and told of Letty the last witch in these parts . " Turns out she isn 't even buried there and actually haunts a night club down town . " Henry said . The three walked and talked for a long while until the sounds of laughter and music could be heard and lights from the nightly ghostly gathering was a short distance from them . " Walter , I must speak with you . " Henry said as she walked leaning on her cane . The tall man who had addressed both Kara and Bernard responded to Henry by slightly nodding his head towards her in a respectful way that reminded Bernard of how his father would tip his hat towards his mom when he would leave the house . As Henry and the tall ghost called Walter walked a little ways away the sounds of the jovial ghost laughing and telling stories along with some singing swallowed any sound that Henry and Walter made , leaving their conversation a mystery to Bernard . Kara had contented herself to sit down on a tomb that was short enough for her tiny frame to sit comfortably on and swing her legs as she watched and began to sing along with the ghost who sang in merry harmony , a song Bernard did not know but enjoyed the happy tune none the less . The moon passed overhead until the waning hours of darkness before the festivities began to wind down . Bernard found himself re " Kara dear , you need to get Bernard home before the sun is fully up . Otherwise it might attract the Snatchers . I 'd hate to deal with your Nana if the Snatchers got hold of you and Bernard . " Henry said as Kara rubbed her eyes letting the knitted blanket bunch up around her waist . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to fall asleep . " Kara said through a half yawn . Kara folded the blanket carefully and handed it to Henry who took it in her ghostly hands and pulled it close to her chest . The warmth of the child still lingered for a few moments and it reminded Henry for just a moment of holding one of her littles from long ago . Bernard was finding it hard to stay awake at this point , but thanks to his new friend Carl " The Dread Pirate of Washington River " as he referred to himself , Bernard managed to make it through the night and have a lovely time . Noticing that Kara had woke Bernard walked over to her and offered his hand to help her down off the tombstone and with a few good byes and promises to visit again soon the pair headed off to Muckmire Manor hand in hand . Chapter 3 As Bernard watched Kara walk down the sidewalk in the early dawn light he noticed that a sheet of paper had been stuck to his front door . " By the edict of City Counselor Terry Hoff and Mayor Mortimer Klinger this property is set to be auctioned Saturday the 9th of October . To be sold in its entirety with all possessions of the property becoming the sole property of the highest bidder . If no bids of adequate funds are made the property is to be demolished and repurposed by the city of Mooresville . " Bernard left the notice on the door unsure of what " auction " or " repurposed " meant . " Perhaps Kara will know what this means . " He thought . Stretching his arms in the open door as the first rays of the morning sun peeked over the nearby mountain he watched the sun shine through his ghostly arm and shut the door . The sun never hurt Bernard , but he often found it annoying and hard to see things with all the light . Cloudy days were his favorite to be awake for . He could happily sit in his window and watch people walk by , coming and going about their lives unaware that he had made up names and stories for each of the people he saw . Bernard reached the top of the stairs and floated into his room without opening the door . He was simply too tired to be bothered with a door , he climbed into bed and was asleep before he could finish remembering all that had happened in the graveyard . " Knock , " knock , knock ! " rang out from the front door . It was much louder than when Kara had knocked on his front door . It was so loud that it woke him from his sleep . Bernard rubbed his hands across his face then stretched . " KNOCK , KNOCK , KNOCK ! " the front door rang out again , louder this time . Bernard floated through the floor quickly wondering who could be at his door that would knock so hard . Certain it could not be Kara he floated up to the peep hole to see who was outside . Through the looking glass he could see an older woman with very tall gray hair . Wrinkles covered her entire face and when she smiled Bernard could see for just a moment a little bit of a resemblance to Kara . " Hellooooooo dearie , open up we have much to discuss if you don 't want to be homeless . " The old woman said in a crackling voice . Memories of his life before being a ghost came to mind , an old teacher who used to call him " Dearie " and his ghostly heart warmed just a tiny bit . Bernard opened the door and before him stood a woman in a bright pink shawl over a gray dress that matched her very tall curly gray hair . Thick horn rimmed glasses with silver chain strap hung from each side of her glasses and around her neck so that they wouldn 't fall down when she took them off . She was slightly bent over and held a fine wooden cane with fairies carved all along the shaft ending in a handle of a bear head . " Kara has told me so much about you Bernard , my name is Nana . Can I come in ? " the old woman asked . " You 're Nana ? Kara 's Nana ? " Bernard asked still holding the door . " Yes , I 'm her Nana and other 's Nana as well . The wind has picked up and my old bones feel the chill of winter coming dearie . " Nana said pulling her shawl tighter with one hand while leaning on the fairy cane . Bernard concentrated and pulled the door open as far as he could . The door being from the real world and rather heavy was more of a challenge than he had thought . He had only unlocked it for Kara when she came to visit . With Nana on the other side Bernard felt it was only gentlemanly of him to open the door for her . So he did . Nana walked into the home stopping just past the threshold , closed her eyes and took a very deep breath . " You are alone child , how have you remained ? " Nana asked as she smacked her lips together as if tasting something odd . " It 's always been just me . I didn 't have anywhere else to go , so I just stayed . " Bernard replied watching Nana as she kept her eyes closed still smacking her lips together . Nana opened her eyes and coughed out a puff of dust from the deep breath she had just taken . Bernard wondered if he should go to the faucet and give her a drink . But he remembered that there were no glasses in his cupboards . Nana only coughed once to his relief . " Please come in and sit Nana , is Kara alright ? " Bernard asked . " Oh she is fine dearie , sleeping after her adventure with you last night . She had a wonderful time visiting with Henry and the others . I 'm here about the notice on your door . You must have read it by now , you do read don 't you ? " She asked as she walked over to a sofa with old stiff pillows that plumed dust as she sat . " Yes ma ' am , I can read . Though I don 't know what the notice means . " Bernard said a bit embarrassed at his lack of knowledge . " It means that certain people in town want to take your house away , along with the field and the cemetery just down the block from here . These people want to build new buildings and destroy the history of this part of town . The city Mayor thinks that this neighborhood would be best turned into apartment buildings . " Nana explained . " It means that you and all the lovely souls from Blackwood Cemetery would be ' displaced ' . This would likely end in one of two ways . The first would be the best and that would be to just cross over to the other side . But in all my years I have seen the second happen far too often when tethered earth is disturbed . The spirits turn into wraiths , things without conscious thought , consumed by hatred and fear they can even become shadow people . They will hunt and hurt people who have done no harm to them . I 'm sure you don 't want to become either of those things . " Nana said while holding her fairy cane in front of her with both hands resting atop the Bear head handle . " I don 't want to go anywhere , I like my home . I don 't want to be a shadow person or a wraith ! " Bernard said scared . " In that case , you will be seeing more of me very soon Bernard . " Nana said as she tried to stand . Her first try was her rocking forward , the second attempt had her on the edge of the couch and by the third try she was standing leaning heavily on her cane . " What should I do ? " Bernard asked following behind Nana as she walked to the door . " You just stay right here and start cleaning . You might try to open some windows and let some fresh air in here . The wood here is very tired of the same air . " Nana said as she opened the front door and closed it behind her leaving Bernard alone in a house that now seemed far too large for one tiny ghost to haunt . The hours passed and Bernard tried very hard to open the windows of the house . His ghostly hands kept slipping through the wood frame and glass every time he tried to lift . From window to window Bernard moved and tried to open the old house up but nothing gave way to his efforts . The sun had already set and it was well into the evening when most people stopped walking down the sidewalk outside his home when a soft " knock " came from the door . A " knock " that sounded very much like the one that he had heard just yesterday . Standing outside the door Bernard could see through the peep hole Kara in her pink star covered mittens waving up at him . He unlocked the door and she pushed it open smiling to her friend . " Nana said she came to visit you today . " Kara said as she walked into the living room . " Yes , she said that she would help with the auction notice and keep me from becoming a shadow person . " said Bernard . " You , and the nice ghosts at Blackwood Cemetery ! " Kara said . " She said we would have to pack up soon and that I should come help with opening the windows here . Nana said you were having a hard time opening them up like she asked . " " How could she know that ? " Bernard said embarrassed again . He had tried very hard to get them open but simply couldn 't . " Nana knows lots of things , she is very old you know . " Kara said as she went to the dining room and pushed hard on the wooden frame of a window that faced towards the cemetery . " She came from the Willows and they know everything . But everyone knows that . " Bernard didn 't know that , but he didn 't want to admit that in front of his friend . " It 's ok that you didn 't know , you are a ghost and have been in this house a long time by yourself . So , I guess its ok that you didn 't know about the Willows . Do you know about the Whispering Tree Nana planted in town ? " Kara asked as she stood on a cedar chest and pushed up on a second window . Bernard had never heard of the Willows before last night , or about the Whispering Tree . In fact , before last night Bernard hadn 't known a great number of things he now knew . Feeling less embarrassed , Bernard admitted that he didn 't know about the Willows or the Whispering Tree . " Well " Kara said . " The Willows is where really special people come from . They help things in the world , old things , like your house . Without the Willows nothing would be old , everything would be knocked down and we wouldn 't remember anything about our past . " Kara hopped down from the cedar chest and walked into the kitchen which was darker than the rest of the house . From inside her coat Kara pulled a metal stick out of her pocket and Bernard wondered what it was . " Huh ? " Kara responded looking down at her flashlight . " Oh it 's a flashlight , see ? " She said as she pushed the switch forward and light as bright as the sun illuminated Bernard 's face . Bernard fell back yelling " Ahhhhh ! " and fell through the floor into the basement . Above him he could hear Kara laughing and as he poked his head through the floor cautious of being attacked by the light stick again Kara was busy laughing and even made a snorting sound as she rolled on the ground . " Your face ! Bernard , your face was so funny ! " she laughed and snorted again like a pig . " You 've never seen a flashlight before ? " She asked . " No , isn 't it dangerous to have a sun in that stick and to carry it around in your pocket ? " Bernard asked still only keeping his head poking through the floor in case the flash light attacked him again . " No silly , it 's not dangerous . It is only light so I can see in here . Everyone has one now . We don 't use lanterns anymore like you used too , unless we are camping in the Willows . " Kara said as she stood . The pair continued through the house opening windows on the first and second floor . Bernard didn 't tell her about the third floor that still held his treasure . He wasn 't sure why he didn 't tell her , but he thought he should keep that secret for now . Kara left that night promising to return the next day after school to help clean the house and to teach him how to " Polterguyth " things . The next evening when Bernard woke he looked out his bedroom window . He expected to see folks returning from work or walking their dog before dinner . Instead what he found was a view of a tree that shouldn 't have been there . This wasn 't his favorite tree that he had watched changed colors every year . He would have recognized that tree . Bernard thought long and hard but couldn 't remember there ever being a tree there before . " Trees don 't just move on their own , do they ? " he thought to himself . Downstairs he heard commotion , the sound of cabinets opening and closing , footsteps on the hard wood floors . The smell of pine and something strange is what caused Bernard to poke his head through the second floor to look in on what was going on below in the kitchen . There in the kitchen was Kara mop in hand humming a melody . She didn 't notice him , so Bernard said " Hello " . Kara did not respond . Concerned Bernard floated closer to her and noticed that she had strange string coming out of her ears . A worm or snake is in her ears ! Thought Bernard and he rushed to aid his friend . He grabbed the strings and pulled . " Pop " came the sound from her ear as the head on what had to be the world 's thinnest snakes came out of both of her ears . " Hey I was listening to that ! " Kara said dropping her mop handle . " I saved you ! " Bernard said . " See the snakes ! " He pointed to the black strings with strange heads now lying on the floor . " Oh right … you don 't know what these are either . I have a lot to teach you , don 't I ? " Kara said as she picked them off the floor and held them up for Bernard to see . " They are ear buds . You listen to music on them . See ? " She said pointing to the small thin box she had stuck to her belt . " They go in your ears and you pick what song you want to listen to from the list and push play . Then music comes out of those ' Snakes ' that were in my ear . " Kara said sarcastically . Bernard leaned his head closer to the small head on the string , thankful he was already a ghost because ghost can 't get bit by snakes . To his great surprise , the sounds of music came out , though the sound was much different than the phonograph tubes his mother played when he was a boy . Smiling Bernard said to Kara " Sorry , I thought they were snakes . " He looked about the kitchen which was dust free from just above the height of Kara to the floor . The room smelled of fresh pine but with a bit of astringent . It smelled clean ! " How long have you been here ? " He asked . " Since just after school . Oh , do you know what happened at school today ? " Kara asked . Bernard shook his head no . " They canceled Halloween ! Can you believe that ? We always have a Halloween party at the school , but this year they canceled it ! " " Why did they do that ? Did the adults get scared of the costumes ? They do know that it 's just children under those scary masks right ? " Bernard said . " The principle said it was due to pressure from the school board . It is the same excuse he used when he took Pizza off the lunch menu ! " Kara said putting one of her hands on her waist angrily . " Well you can have Halloween here if you want ! " Bernard said . " My house is big enough for a whole town I bet ! " " That is a great idea Bernard ! I 'll ask Nana if we can and then tell everyone at school ! This will be the best Halloween ever . Just wait until I tell them that a real ghost lives here , they will freak out ! " Kara said excitedly . Remembering the tree outside his window suddenly Bernard asked " Why is there a big tree with lots of little limbs all drooping and sad looking in the front yard ? " " Oh Nana and I planted a Whispering tree here so the city won 't tear down your house . Nana owns anything with a Whispering tree in the yard . It is part of the law from way back before I was born , maybe even before my Mom was born . " Kara said as a matter of fact . " But this is my house , how can Nana own it if it is my home ? " Bernard asked confused . " Oh didn 't I tell you ? We are moving in . Why else would I be mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen ? Nana loves a clean kitchen . " Kara replied . Bernard watched as Kara swept and wiped and cleaned and shined and polished all evening until it was time for her to leave . Bernard waved to her as she walked down the sidewalk wondering what would happen to their other home if Kara and Nana were coming to stay here . He couldn 't stop them , he was just a ghost and he hadn 't stopped any of the other families that had lived here since becoming a ghost . At least this family can see him , like Chip , his old friend the dog . Over the next few days Kara came and cleaned , Bernard watched and talked with her . This went on until one afternoon Bernard woke early to the sounds of shouting outside his window . Rubbing his eyes he floated to the window bench and sat down to look out into the yard . He couldn 't see much because of the tree that now was larger than it had been just a few days earlier . But the tree didn 't stop the sound of Nana shouting at someone about " respect for the deceased " and something about the " Willows Way " . Once Bernard came downstairs he found Kara looking out into the yard at Nana who was still talking with what now appeared to be two men . " Nana is really mad , she is going to make one of them go bald for sure ! Just watch . " Kara said looking out the glass . Bernard didn 't understand what she meant , but he watched out the window with her . Doing what he thought a friend should , just sitting quietly next to her , being there if she got scared or angry or sad or happy . Having a friend was something that Bernard had forgotten about . He had thought a lot about Chip lately . Chip had been a good friend , but he was a dog and as good of a friend as they can be he wasn 't a person that could tell him things like Kara could . After a few more minutes of Nana shaking her cane at one of them a shriek was let oA few minutes later Nana had seemed to calm down . She started putting cups away in the cabinets , forks and spoons in a drawer and even set out a white ceramic jar with the words " Nana 's Coffee " written on it . " Kara dear , you will need to work extra hard these next two weeks . We will be having several new friends staying with us . " Nana said as she turned the switch to the lights on the wall and lights glowed brightly . Saturday the 9th came and no one came to tear down the house . Instead Kara and Nana had brought over several new items into the house . According to Kara some strangers called " Movers " brought all of their belongings from their other house to this one . Bernard never saw these " Movers " , he never saw anyone , or heard anyone , or even smelled anyone that could have brought all of their things over . It just seemed to appear one day . Kara had a room just down the hall from Bernard 's . It had a horse with a horn coming out of its head painted on one wall . The other walls were pink with shiny stars covering them . The lights worked in every room of the house now , though not a single light bulb had been changed . The house was clean and warm and music seemed to play softly all the time . Nana and Kara talked a lot about things that didn 't interest Bernard , about her grades at school or about a boy that was mean to her . Sometimes they talked about weird things that he simply didn 't care to ever understand . Late one night after Nana and Kara had both gone to sleep Bernard sat looking out at the back yard which now had another tree with droopy limbs . Nana had called it a Whispering Willow . It had grown like the one that had appeared in front of his window at the front of the house , but this one had stones under it . Strangely familiar stones , some were larger than others , some were square and some were round . Others had shapes coming out of the top of them . It was while Bernard was looking at the great number of stones that now were strewn all across the back yard that Henry patted him on his shoulder . " Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh ! " Bernard shouted and turned around . He hadn 't expected anyone to touch him . " Oh hush yourself child , you will wake the dead yelling like that . " She said with a laugh . " How are you here ? You touched me ! How ? " Bernard said surprised to see the old woman from Blackwood Cemetery in his house . " Well , your friend is very special . The city is tearing down Blackwood you see . But Nana and Ka " What do you mean ' are ' ? " He asked . " It 's hard to explain child , but I think the best way to describe it is that your friends are able to help make things right . We lost our home , Nana and Kara gave us a new one . We aren 't all here yet , but we will be soon . " Henry said smiling . Henry had been right , each night more and more tombstones appeared in the backyard . Bernard would walk with Henry through the rows of graves that seemed to magically appear when he wasn 't looking . He would pass familiar ghostly faces and greet them with a smile . When he would come across an unfamiliar face Bernard would stop and visit . He would ask what their name was , when they became a ghost , if they liked it here . Each night the yard seemed to grow , both in number of graves and in size . Bernard wasn 't inclined to believe in witches and wizards , but there was something oddly magical about how his seemingly normal backyard had transformed into a replica of Blackwood Cemetery in a few short nights . Bernard rarely saw Kara during this time . The few times he did see her it was when Kara was walking hand in hand with a ghost from the old cemetery . Bernard didn 't mind her being gone so much . He had many new faces and ghost to meet and talk with . So many , that he found himself quite busy too . He missed spending time with his living friend though and hoped that she felt the same . As it turns out , ghosts are great company . You never feel alone with a cemetery full of ghosts for a backyard . They told stories of their lives and of times before his own and some after . As exciting as all of the stories were Bernard still longed to know what was happening past the gate in front of his house . He still would watch the people walking by and would still make up stories in his head about where they were coming from and where they were going . By the eve before Halloween Kara and Nana had nearly everything in place for the celebration , the cauldron was on the front lawn , the spider webs made of string covered the Whispering Tree . Nana had hung fake skeletons from the tree and ghoHalloween The sun was setting as a cool October wind hinted at winter in the coming months . The sky was clear and the Bernard could see the very first of the stars coming into view as he sat on his bench by his bedroom window . Downstairs he could hear Nana cooking in the kitchen , pots clanging and water running . The smell was rich and sweet , like candy and cakes . Outside his room he heard Kara skipping down the hall and into his room . " Are you ready ? " Kara asked . " Of course they will see you ! When Nana tells a story everyone believes her . That 's all it really takes to see a ghost anyway , if you really believe then it can come true . " Kara said in a convincing tone . Bernard wasn 't sure her plan would work . Nana and Kara wanted to tell a ghost story and have Bernard float down through the ceiling just when Nana finished telling how a ghost still haunted Muckmire Manor . In the past Bernard had tried very hard to get people to see him . He tried for many years . He tried talking to people . He tried yelling . He even threw dishes at one family when he had lost his temper . It wasn 't until Chip the dog had seen him that he knew he wasn 't invisible to everyone . Kara had been right about many things since he met her . He decided to trust his friend and see if the spooky prank would work . Bernard still doubted if anyone who wasn 't unique , like Kara or Nana , would actually see him , but it would make Kara happy so he decided to play his part of a spooky ghost . Kara skipped back down the hall and down the long wooden staircase , each step giving a slight squeak as she walked down holding onto the polished rail . Once she reached the landing at the bottom of the staircase Kara checked the front door to make sure that it was unlocked and easy to open and close . It had given her a bit of trouble the first time she had come in , when it had belonged to just Bernard . It had been dusty and old but Kara felt that the house was special and loved that she was now living at Muckmire Manor . Nana placed the last apple dripping caramel onto the wax paper to cool . " Kara , would you help your Nana and put apples into the trough and make sure they all float . You can 't have a proper Halloween Party without some fresh apples to " bob " for . " Nana said . Kara went to the pantry door twisting the handle and pulling hard . The door was one of those doors that didn 't want to open when Kara wanted it opened , but it always listened to Nana when she opened . After a brief struggle the door to the pantry opened and inside sat a brown paper bag full of fresh apples from Connie 's father 's farm . Kara had gone with Nana to get the apples the day before and had even picked a few herself . The apples had filled the pantry with a fresh smell that made her smile and decide that apples were a happy fruit . Kara carried the bag of apples to the now empty dining room . Nana had it moved to the basement while she was at school . She never said how or who helped her move things , but it always seemed to be done when Kara wasn 't around . It was just another thing that made her Nana a special Nana . A knock came from the front door while Kara was filling the trough with apples . Trying not to splash too much water out onto the wood floor she tried to hurry so she could greet her first guest of the night . After the last apple bounced off the rim of the trough and landed in the water with a splash Kara ran to the front door and opened it . " What are you holding a paper bag for ? " asked Jennifer , a girl from her first hour class . Looking down at the bag still in her hand Kara smiled and held out the bag and said " Trick or treat ! " opening the bag wide like she would if she were the one knocking on the door on Halloween . Behind Jennifer parents and children in costumes of all sorts were starting to come down the sidewalk . Witches and Wizards , monsters and heroes , movie characters , comic book heroes and villains all paraded down the street . Not only were the children dressed up , but some of the parents joined in the fun and dressed up as well . Jennifer had dressed up as an angel and her dad dressed up like the devil with red horns , a cape and a red trident with foam points on the end . Connie came with her Mom , John and Clarence were dropped off by their aunt , who also dropped off their Some guest played Pin the tail on the werewolf while others tried to find the gold coin in the big bowl of bones . Bernard watched quietly from the corner of the stairwell just out of sight . He didn 't think anyone would see him , but Kara seemed to think they might , so Bernard remained as hidden as he could while trying to see who was now in his house . Sounds of children laughing and cheering echoed through the manor . Adults talked about the events around town and how this was the biggest Halloween even the town had seen in fifty years . The appointed time came for Nana to tell the ghost story . The children gathered around her as she sat in an old rocking chair with her fine cane leaned against her leg . She began to tell a story of a boy who lived long ago and attended a school much like the one they all attended now . " He had a good family that loved him very much and lived nine happy years before he became sick with fever . It was a long time ago you see , and the doctors were not able to help him like they can now . He died because of the sickness . He died upstairs , in this very house . " Nana said as the children all became quiet . " The boy loved his family so much he didn 't cross over to the other side , he stayed . He didn 't want his mother to be sad or his father to cry , so he stayed here . He wandered the staircase and the halls and hugged his mother as often as he could while she slept . He has now haunted Muckmire Manor for the last one hundred and twenty three years . " This had been the part that Bernard had been practicing the last several days . He forced himself to stop floating and thought very hard about being heavy and solid and stomped down the hallway and onto the top of the stairs . To his very great surprise some of the children and one of the adults gasped as they all excitedly said they heard the ghost boy ! Bernard smiled extra wide at this . He waited while Nana continued her story . " You see ? He is still here , he knows you are here , he has seen each and every one of you ! " Nana waited for t " Thwump " , the third time the cane struck the floor was loud enough to make John let out a yelp . Bernard felt like something had wrapped around him and he felt tingly all over . He floated down through the ceiling like he had been instructed to do . " Open your eyes children . " Nana said gently . " Ahhhhh ! " cried Sarah . " Oh my god he really is here . " Connie 's Mom said looking at the ghostly figure of Bernard dressed in his best dressing suit with a black tie to match his small coat . Bernard smiled and said " Hi " . Every person in the room jumped at the sound , even Bernard was surprised by their sudden reaction . He started to get nervous until Nana said to the group and Bernard . " Hello Bernard , we are all very glad you could visit us tonight . We hope you are having a wonderful Halloween with all of our friends here . " " Yes ma ' am I am , thank you for inviting me . " Bernard said as he smiled his ghostly teeth at everyone trying to be friendly . " Bernard we won 't keep you long here , we just wanted to say you have friends here and that we are all very happy that you chose to visit us . I have one favor to ask though . Could you tell all your ghost friends in Blackwood Cemetery to expect visitors tonight ? " Nana asked . They had rehearsed their lines for this several times but Bernard found he had forgotten what he was supposed to say . " Uh , sure . I 'll tell Henry you all are coming to visit . " He said . Nana smiled knowing he had forgotten to sound spooky and instead sounded very excited . " Thank you Bernard , we might see you again tonight if you want to visit again . " Bernard smiled and waved at everyone as he floated back through the ceiling . He floated out a window and into the backyard to let everyone know that Kara 's ghost tour was about to begin . The band started playing their favorite song " Monster Mash " and Henry cleared her throat preparing to take the living through a long walk in the Blackwood Cemetery . Walter adjusted his vest and his tie , he checked the notes he had made for his welcome speech and smiled at Bernard who was off down the lantern lit path to make sure that everyone who could be awake was . Kara was the first to step into the cemetery and said a small prayer to the Grave Keeper before walking into the cemetery . Behind her came every person who had seen Bernard . " This way everyone , we have lots of ghost to meet and lots to see . " Kara said as she marched her friends into the cemetery where Walter waited with his big bushy mustache smiling . " Welcome , welcome Kara ! " Walter said in his booming voice with a funny accent . " I see you have guests tonight , well you are in for quite a treat . Tonight is Halloween and it is the one night a year when ghost and humans can interact . We have a great tour setup so please mind your footsteps children , stay on the lantern lit path and we will see you all back here soon . " Walter waved for the children to move forward into the cemetery . More than one reached out to touch him and their hands passed right through him and he laughed each time saying that it tickled . Kara and Henry walked down the path into the cemetery bending out of sight of Bernard who smiled at his friend . It had been a busy few days and so much had changed for Bernard . He no longer felt alone . He had a family that could see him and didn 't run away . He had met a lot of new people and none of them ran away either ! Nana had told Bernard " If you have friends anything can happen , even the things you think are impossible . " Nana was a special Nana , and now she was his Nana too . Bernard would learn later that the local paper had called the Ghost story at Muckmire Manor the best Halloween event the town had ever seen and that the home might just be haunted , but the town would have to wait until The Second Annual Muckmire Manor Halloween Festival to find out . The End

My then current IG , Allegra , had died of cancer and I vowed I wasn 't getting another dog . I had two , a German Shepard puppy who clients of mine could no longer keep ( they 'd probably run out of chair legs for her to chew on ) and an English Cocker who had appeared in the middle of the street one day , had come home with me and never left . I had a full time job , a new granddaughter who I wanted to spend as much time with as possible , and was struggling to get my first Ellen McKenzie mystery in print . I didn 't need another dog . Then I went to a dog show . The class was best of breed , the category was toy dogs , and there was an IG I immediately fell in love with . All the old longing for one came back with a rush . So , when my vet called to say a woman in our town , who bred IG 's , had to sell off some of hers because of county kennel restrictions and was I interested , I was . I scooped up the baby who , for some reason I can 't remember was with me , and we were off . It was obvious the breeders weren 't anxious to part with any of their dogs , but the lady pointed out three females she was going to sell . I sat down in the middle of her living room floor , the baby on my lap and was immediately surrounded by small dogs , all wagging their tails , all seemingly delighted we 'd come , all vying for a change to lick the baby . All except one . A pretty little caramel colored dog circled the outside of the pack . She retreated if a hand was held out to her , instead she stood in a corner and shivered . That she wanted to come over was obvious , that she was terrified to try it was equally obvious . Guess which one came home with us . Laney was terrified of everything . I thought she was going to have a heart attack in the car going home . Trucks passed us and I could almost see her pale . I made sure the gate was closed when I pulled into our yard as I was sure I would never catch her if she got loose . The other two dogs circled the car , barking a greeting , but she didn 't look convinced it was safe to get out . When she did , she stood still and shook . The only way I could get her in the house was to open the back door , put the other two away , leave a bowl of food where she could see it and hide . Finally , she came in far enough that I could get behind her and close the door . It took a long time before Laney would come in any other way . However , bit by bit , she calmed down . She and Shea , the Shepard , formed what was to be a life time bond , and she and Ira , the cocker , were almost as close . People took a little longer , but gradually she let me touch her without flinching . We graduated to her sitting on my lap each night to her burrowing under the covers on my bed . I sighed a little at that , but it gave her comfort and she continued to share her bed with me ( I 'm pretty sure that 's how she saw it ) for the next twelve years . Laney never became a brave dog and she never became one of those dogs who love everyone . However , she adored my mother who lived next door to us and learned not to run and hide whenever a visitor came ; she learned that the mailman was her friend , that going to book signings and sitting on my lap wasn 't so bad , that going on book tours was kind of fun , that elevators came to a stop safely , and that she could stay in a hotel room if she had Shea with her and my nightdress to lie on . The circle of people she loved expanded to encompass a lot of my family , our vet and his family who lived next door , and Tina , a special family friend who took care of her and Shea while I spent a month in the hospital recovering from a leg amputation . She especially loved the baby who had now grown into a lovely budding young lady , and her brother who couldn 't remember life without either her or Shea . Laney had been slowing down for some months . She had a hard time jumping on the bed , slept a lot more than she used to , wasn 't so sure she wanted to go in the car which she now enjoyed and no longer pulled out the toys from her basket . Her time was getting near , I knew , but couldn 't bear the thought . Our vet took blood , prescribed pain medicines , said we had her stabilized but she was now fourteen and the ravages of old age can only be held at bay so long . I hoped they could be held off a little longer as I was leaving for Spain and Portugal on a long planned trip and , although my daughter and the children would stay at my house with her , I worried . Go , they all said , she 'll be fine . About that , I wasn 't so sure . That she would be lovingly and tenderly cared for I didn 't doubt . I miss her . We all miss her . However , I think about all of the years we had together , the adventures we had , most of them adventures she would just as soon not taken , but she learned to enjoy them , to enjoy us , to enjoy her life . I will think of that through my tears , and smile . It 's been a while since I 've posted on this blog . A lot has happened in my life since then . I 've left my much loved old house in South Carolina for a suburb of Atlanta where I am nearer to family , have acquired a new dog , actually one and one half new dogs , and a new Ellen McKenzie mystery is out . First , dogs . I live close by two of my grandchildren , who are now here every day . They wanted a dog , badly , but no one is home all day and it didn 't seem feasible . Then they found Lefty at a local shelter . He is a hound mix who somehow mislaid his left hind leg , young and was in need of a foster home over the 4th . Firecrackers and all that . The children volunteered me . He never went back to the shelter . He comes to me every morning and returns to spend the night and week - ends with them . In the meantime , a friend of mine , who works dog rescue , sent me a picture of a small black mop of a dog who had been tossed out of a car . I responded with " isn 't she cute " . Yes , she is . I 'm not sure how it happened but she now lives here as well . Her name is Millie the Mop , or was until she got a haircut . Now it 's Millicent the Magnificent . Laney , my elderly IG likes them both , or at least tolerates them and the cat has finally decided it isn 't much fun to sulk in the garage and has re - joined the somewhat tumultuous life in the house . Dogs have been a part of human life since wolves decided to come out of the darkness and share primitive man 's dinner around the campfire . However , through much of history , they were expected to perform a job of some sort to earn their portion of the stew . I did a lot of research into Colonial life for the latest Ellen book , Murder by Syllabub , and it doesn 't seem to have been much different then . Dogs helped in the hunt by pointing out the hapless bird who was destined to be that night 's dinner and then were expected to retrieve it without eating it . They herded sheep , goats , and cattle , pulled carts , and guarded the hen house by night . Not so much today . Most dogs today are pets and expected to do nothing more than be companions . They are quite good at that , at least mine are , but still , it seems they could perform some useful function other than barking at the mailman . I recently broached that theory to mine , even going as far as to read them a list of chores colonial dogs were excepted to complete . There are two dogs in Murder by Syllabub and they have important roles to play in the story . However , they don 't exactly have jobs . Either of them . Hummm . Upon reflection , I guess barking at the mailman isn 't all bad . It doesn 't seem , in this age of instant communication , social networking , tweeting and so forth , that exposure would be a problem . But it is . E books are a huge thing , and since just about anyone can post a book on Smashwords , Kindle , Nook , the inventory has swollen . The E stores are flooded with them but browsing is a problem , finding a good , well constructed , well edited book is a bigger one . You almost have to know the name of the author or the book you want to make sense of it all . Barnes and Noble overflows with books . Even if you know what kind of book you want , the selection is vast . Most casual browsers never get past the front table . That 's where all the " blockbusters " reside and that 's what most folks end up with . The library is no less daunting but at least it 's free . If you don 't like the book , you can take it back . Only , how do the librarians choose what to buy on their limited budgets ? Good reviews from major reviewers , and , occasionally , word of mouth or a request from a patron . So , how does a " mid - list " author stand out ? Get known ? We thought the Craft Fair might be a way . Hundreds , maybe thousands , were expected to pass through over the three days we would be there . We could reasonably expect a few sales and even more contacts during that time , couldn 't we ? Not knowing what to expect , we bundled up our books , our crime scene tape and white tablecloth and set off . Were we successful ? I 'm not sure . I really don 't know how to measure success under those conditions . I do know we sold a bunch of books , and I gave away more than two hundred bookmarks . I talked to just about everyone who took one . Some asked about my books , others tucked the bookmark into their bags for , I hope , a further look when they got home . We got very brazen , calling out to passersby , asking if they liked to read , or did they read mysteries . The results were mixed . Many said they never read . Others just smiled and kept going . Quite a few said they read but not mysteries . Too scary . After trying to say that cozies are not very scary I gave up trying to disassociate myself from Steven King . People like what they like . Many did come over to the table , and were interested enough to ask about the books . Ellis Vidlar , Linda Lovely and I write very different kinds of stories , so there was a wide choice , and many bought . More took a bookmark and said they would order on line . Maybe they will . And will those who stopped to chat , remember our books and us ? Don 't know . But I think it was three days well spent . Eye to eye , person to person , it 's always been a very good way to stand out . People were kind , courteous , and mostly interested in what we had to say . Not all , of course . There was one woman who stopped in the middle of the aisle , looked at all the titles on display , and loudly commented , " I 've never heard of any of you , " and stomped off . Oh , well . I 'll be at Books A Million in , SC , Saturday and Fiction Addiction , also in Greenville , the Saturday after that . You see , I still believe in person to person , eye to eye . And , if I run into that lady at another event , who knows , she just might remember me . Posted on November 20 , 2011 by kathleen 1 Books on writing often have long chapters on how to develop and present protagonists and antagonists . They should . After all , the struggle between the hero / heroine and the villain is the basis of our stories . But any good story needs more than that . It needs other people , people who are going to support our Hero / heroine , who are going to help find clues , listen as he / she works out the kinks in the plot , and help catch the crook . They ride to the rescue when our hero is in trouble or at least bring in the cavalry , and they give our hero / heroine the support or advice he or she needs to bring the story to a satisfactory close . I 've often thought that sidekicks were the underpaid and overworked members of a book 's cast of characters . They 're called supporting actors in the movies , and they get Oscars . In books , they are the members of the cast that get the least attention , certainly the least credit , but we need them . " Supporting " means just that , and supporting is what they do . They back up the hero , the heroine , and the story . Where would Sherlock Holmes have been without Dr . Watson ? Lord Peter would never have gotten over his war nerves without Bunter . The Lone Ranger wouldn 't have been as adept at catching all those bad guys without Tonto . I 've long suspected it was Tonto who kept him supplied with silver bullets . It 's Lula who keeps Stephanie Plum supplied with donuts but Stephanie might not catch another bail bond skip without Lula . Of course , she probably wouldn 't get into as much trouble without her either . Well , she probably would , but without Lula it wouldn 't be as much fun . Because I believe so firmly in the worth of the support staff , the sidekicks , I made sure Ellen McKenzie had one , her aunt , Mary McGill . In And Murder For Dessert , it 's Aunt Mary who saves Ellen from getting stabbed to death with some pretty fancy work with a frying pan . In the latest Ellen McKenzie book , Murder Half Baked , its Aunt Mary once more who , with quirky humor and practical wisdom , helps put Ellen on the path to finding a murderer . But she does more than that . She props Ellen up when she is sagging under the weight of the many problems I 've thrown at her , and she backs her up when Ellen puts herself in danger . We all need someone like Mary McGill in our lives . So , writers , let those supporting characters loose . Let them wander through your books at will . They 'll make the story more interesting and your protagonist as well . And , readers . Nominations are open . Who is your favorite Sidekick ? And why ? Fictional or not , your choice . Let 's hear from you . Posted on November 14 , 2011 by kathleen Reply Shea came to live with me when she was a puppy , not a baby but certainly not grown . She still had her baby teeth . I know that because I still have the ladder back chairs she used as a teething ring . Back then , she was all tail and feet and not entirely sure what to do with either . I was living in California then , working as a real estate broker . One of my clients had a home on acreage they wanted to put on the market . They had it rented to some very nice people who had a lot of dogs , cats , goats and I believe a pony . We had to ask them to move before we put the property on the market , which meant they were going to have to find homes for most of their animals . I sat on their front porch , watching their dogs play while we talked about it . Almost before I knew it , I said , " If you don 't have a home for the Shepherd pup , I 'll take her . " I didn 't need another dog . I had two already , but there was something about this one - . Shea enjoyed the ride home , but wasn 't so sure about getting out when she spied the greeting committee . The other dogs circled the car , barking and in general making a fuss . My mother lived in a small house on my property and she , too , came over to see what was going on . She looked in the car and sighed . " Another dog ? " Shea did get to be a big dog , and a beautiful and happy one . She also took her heritage as a herding dog seriously . The cat was the first victim . She rapidly found out that herding cats is , indeed , difficult . She tried it on the grandkids next . They were little then , and didn 't like being pushed into a corner and held there . They protested with loud yowls until rescued . She wanted to try herding the horses but I made sure she knew they were off limits as well . Shea loved to travel . We crossed the country three times , Shea , Laney , my Italian Greyhound and Shea 's best friend , and me . I never felt safer than when I had her with me . She wasn 't a snarly dog , but she did love her family and I don 't think anyone who tried to threaten me , or one of the kids , or Laney . would have gotten off easy . She thought motels were fun and especially liked elevators . Laney didn 't share that particular enthusiasm . She loved our house in South Carolina . It has a wrap around front porch . However , she was given to unauthorized walks , so I had a gate build over the steps . She spent a lot of time there , telling each passerby good morning and each dog that stepping on her grass was against her law . She loved the postman . Go figure . I was with a friend , many years ago , when her dog died . She was devastated and cried out that she would never get another one , the pain of loosing them was too great . I understood then what she meant , and certainly understand it now . The pain is intense . But , I wouldn 't have missed a minute of the time I had with Shea . She brought great joy into my life and even greater love . She was fun to be around , and an unfailing friend . You can 't feel grief without great love , and great love was what she gave me , and what I gave her back . Will there be another dog ? Almost certainly , but not now , and it won 't matter . Whoever it is won 't take the place Shea had in my life and in my heart . In my memory , she 'll always be beside me . Posted on November 9 , 2011 by kathleen Reply Charlie just phoned me . He got a job . He 's not sure what he 'll be doing , but the city called him and asked him to come in tomorrow morning . They told him they were going to offer him a job . Offer ? That always sounds as if there is some doubt . There is no doubt here . He 'll take it . Whatever it is , it 's something steady , five days a week , a paycheck and - this is the clincher . He 'll get benefits . Tonight , Charlie is a happy man . I met Charlie after a big snow . I 'd only been out of the hospital a short time , didn 't have my artificial leg yet , was scheduled to go to Duke for further tests , and was snowed in . My sister - in - law was with me but she could no more shovel all that snow off the porch than I could . We were stuck . I called some friends , and low and behold , Charlie arrived . His head was covered by a knit cap , his muffler wound around his neck , a huge smile was on his face . " This won 't take but a minute , " he said . He was like a snow shovel machine . Not only did he shovel the snow off the porch , he kept going . Snow on the driveway flew . We made it to Duke . Charlie left me his number and I used it . I love to garden , however that was no longer an option . I could get down , sort of , still can , but getting back up was , and is , another thing altogether . I have always picked up after my dogs , have never asked for help , but staying upright in the backyard was , and remains , a challenge I 'm afraid I 'll lose . Over these last couple of years , Charlie has been a godsend . However , the little pick up work I could offer didn 't begin to substitute for a real job . We talked often about his being laid off and what he was doing to find a new job . We talked about what he did before , how he 'd worked in a grocery store and was in line for a promotion when the store went out of business , how he 'd worked for the city on the trash truck for a while , but hurt his back and there was no position open when he could work again . It was an ongoing saga because , as I gradually learned , Charlie has limited skills . I live in a state that has some wonderful universities . Young people from all over come here to attend them . We also have one of the lowest high school graduation rates in the nation . How we reconcile that , I don 't understand . But it was increasingly obvious to me that Charlie was a product of the part of our state 's school system that was short of everything , books , desks , pencils , teachers , but not students . He was never going to attend one of those fine universities ; he was never going to land a white - collar job . He was going to be lucky , in this economic climate , to get one at all . During all this , Charlie kept smiling , but , month by month , I watched his hair turn gray . Charlie never gave up . He found out there were new openings at the city . He went down and applied . He had lost his drivers license . He 'd had a couple of traffic tickets and there was no money to pay them . A driver 's license was necessary to do just about anything the city had open , or would have open . A friend of mine , and Charlie 's , took that project in hand , and after a lot of red tape cutting , Charlie 's license was re - instated . He was ready . However , the city wasn 't , the hospital wasn 't , the new restaurants up on the boulevard weren 't either . But Charlie kept making the rounds . He applied to the city again . This time , I tried to help . We wrote a thank you letter to the man who interviewed him and I wrote him a letter of recommendation . So did some of the others who he worked for . And Charlie kept going back . Politely , persistently , he took the letters in , took his new drivers license in , and took himself in , just asking to be considered . He did it on his bike , he couldn 't afford a car . He never lost his good humor , never lost his hope . He never blamed anyone , just thanked all of us who tried to help . This morning , all that paid off . The city called . Posted on October 28 , 2011 by kathleen Reply I 've never quite figured out why some of us become writers . Oh , I don 't mean writing a message on Facebook , twittering a tweet , or even writing a blog . I 'm talking about that strange compulsion that comes over some of us to write a novel . To look at a blank page and know you have to fill it with words about what happened to someone who doesn 't exist in circumstances that never happened . You have a story to tell . Dying For A Change was my first novel . I 'd had a few short pieces published , so finally got up the courage to do what I always wanted to do . Write a mystery novel . Only , where to start ? When I was in school , creative writing was not on any class list I ever found . Creative anything wasn 't . You were supposed to learn what was put in front of you and question nothing , not even why you couldn 't understand algabra . The art of putting words on paper to make a story was foreign to me . Luckily , I didn 't even realize back then that it was an art . If I had , I might not have blindly tried it . I had been to a couple of writing seminars at the local college and one universal piece of advice was " write what you know . " So , as I sat up in bed with a legal pad on my lap and a mug of coffee beside me , I pondered . What did I know about ? Real estate . Horses . Kids . I knew a lot about kids . Divorce . Starting over . I had chosen to do that in a small town on California 's central coast . A town that was about to get a Wal Mart , a fact that did not make everyone happy . I knew about that . I thought about conflict and knew I had a plot . It wasn 't that easy , of course . I have never , to this day , found a dead body in any of the houses I 've shown . I 've never seen anyone who has been shot . I 've never had an Aunt Mary . Those things I had to make up . Actually , I had to make it all up . Once I had the outline for my main character and the primary conflict that would run through the story , it started to unfold , admittedly in fits and starts , but unfold it did and was it ever fun . I worked on that book until my eyes crossed . The first several versions were not what I wanted , only I didn 't know what I was doing wrong . Several people helped me , made suggestions , and I went back to school . UCLA has extension classes that they often hold as week - end seminars and I was more than willing to make the drive to LA . I learned , among other things , that writing is a craft and you have to learn the basics . Then I wrote it again . So , now I 'm hooked . I love writing these books . Not only has Ellen grown and changed through the four books I have written about her , but so have I . Murder Half - Baked is the fourth Ellen mystery , and while she 's had a lot of adventures through those books , found a lot of bodies , solved a lot of mysteries and even sold a little real estate , in Half - Baked , she gets to do something she 's been slowly moving toward . Ellen gets married again . Dying For A Change is back . It is out on Kindle and Nook , where you can find all of the Ellen books , and from now until the end of November , you can buy the first one for . 99 . Meet Ellen , and follow all of her adventures , including her wedding which didn 't come about smoothly . . I hope you have as much fun reading about them as I have had writing them . Posted on October 18 , 2011 by kathleen Reply Years ago , before I had anything published , I used to write little things and hide them in my cedar chest . I have always been an avid reader and secretly wanted to be a writer , an august state I was sure I could never attain . I didn 't have the imagination , the cleverness , to write a book , or even an article . My scribbling was destined never to see the light of day , and especially not the printed page . One day one of my daughters wanted something in the cedar chest and came out with a handful of pages . " Did you write these ? They 're really good . " They weren 't and I knew it , but shortly after a close friend commented on how well I wrote business letters and other things , so I gathered my courage and decided to seriously try . I wrote an article about my children 's adventures in 4H and it was published by Family Fun . I was thrilled . I was on my way . It didn 't turn out quite that easy . Writing a book , writing anything , is hard work . At least it is if you want it to be good . I wrote my first mystery novel without benefit of knowledge of the craft , or even the knowledge that it was a craft , one that needed to be learned . Why that never occurred to me , I don 't know . You have to learn to do everything else . No one dances the lead in Swan Lake without years of practice , no one is allowed to drive a car unless you can prove your competency , no one wants to grace your dinner table unless you 've learned to do something more than boil water . Writing is no different . I submitted my first mystery novel to St Martin 's Malice Domestic contest , by now certain my hard work and the sale of that one lone article had made me a competent author . I was certain to win . The book came back with a note from the judge , saying it had promise but I needed to learn how to write . Well ! How dare she ! I picked up my precious manuscript and started to read . It didn 't take long . She was right . I realized I had two choices . I could put the book back in the cedar chest and do something else or I could learn how to write . I chose to learn . Four novels , several short stories , articles and blogs later , I 'm still learning . My work is earning praise from readers and reviewers and I 'm about ready to tear down all of the rejections I used to paper the bathroom wall and replace them with glowing reviews . It 's taken years of hard work and I 'm not finished yet . I 'm sure I 'll still be learning , still rewriting , still giving my books more layers , tightening up the story , fleshing out my characters on the day I shut my computer down for the last time . Which brings me to my point . Today almost any one can get just about anything in print , or published on the web in some form . Put your novel up on Kindle , Nook or Smashwords . It might sell . Create a Facebook page and get a Twitter account . and you 're good to go . Self publish and set the reading world on fire . Maybe . However , most really good books are still published the old fashioned way , with an agent to guide you through the hunt for an editor and that same editor doing what they are supposed to do . Edit . Conversely , many of the self published books are poorly written by earnest people , many with talent , all of whom were willing to put in the hours , days , months it takes to write a book , but haven 't taken the time to really learn their craft . How is a reader to know which is which ? For me , it goes back to quality control . I look at reviews , see if the libraries stock the book , see if others have read it , and see who published it . That doesn 't mean I 'm going to like the book , and it doesn 't necessarily mean it 's good , but it does give me a guide . Trying to pick something to read out of the thousands of ebooks offered , or the hundreds of new books that just came into the local library , or find my way through the stacks at Barnes and Noble , is daunting . You can 't tell the quality by the cover . You never could , but now that so many people are proficient at photo - shop , you really can 't . I 'm not saying all self - published books are poor quality . Many aren 't . I know authors who are talented , write tight stories , build beguiling characters , are meticulous editors , but for some reason haven 't made it through the slush pile or have had bad experiences and choose the self published route . But you , the reader , can 't tell that by the cover . There is no way to know if the story is tight , the characters convincing , especially if you are choosing an ebook . There is no gatekeeper . So , I have developed a strategy for picking authors new to me . I look at who is publishing the book . If I know , and respect the publishing house , or the person giving the blurb on the back cover I am more willing to take a chance . Then I go back to my favorite method . I go to my convenient and friendly local book store and ask the bookseller what 's new and what 's good . She 's usually right . Besides , she carries my books . Posted on October 10 , 2011 by kathleen Reply I 'm not much for team sports . For whatever reason , football , baseball , all those kinds of sports have never grabbed me . Perhaps it 's because when I was young I went to Catholic school . The nuns weren 't much on girl 's team sports either , except volleyball . They loved it . I didn 't . I always stood in the back row and ducked when the ball came near me . However , I love individual sports . The kind of thing where you are competing against yourself as much as against the other guy in the pool , the ice rink , the horse show arena , or on the gymnastic floor . The sports announcers call it " personal best . " I understand that kind of competition , challenging yourself to get better , to try harder , at something that is very important to you . This couple of years have been filled with personal best challenges for me . Some I didn 't think I 'd accomplish , but somehow I 've managed to achieve a few of them . And , glory be , I 've just pulled off another one . I can get into - and out of - the swimming pool without using the handicapped lift chair . I can hear the murmurs now . My two year old does it all the time , I hear someone back there say . So did I until I ended up with only one leg . I 'm not going to describe here how I can do it , but suffice it to say it 's damn hard and scary as all get out . I really didn 't think I could do it until I met a man at the pool who also was missing a leg and climbed in and out routinely . I stopped him to ask how he did it and how long he 'd been an amputee . If he 'd been young , bulging with muscles , I wouldn 't have asked , but he looked to be about my age and in not much better shape , so - . He 'd been an amputee since he was a teenager so was a lot more practiced at this stuff , but I decided that didn 't count . If he could do it , so could I . I tried climbing out first . Half the lifeguards were standing by , ready to pluck the old girl out of the water , but I made it . The next time , I went down the ladder into the pool . They were all still there , but they weren 't holding their breath quite so obviously . Now , they just ask which way I 'm going in or getting out . Yes ! One more hurdle jumped . Figuratively speaking , of course . But this frees me up just a little bit more . I can go to any pool without asking if they have a handicapped lift . So - hotel pools , friends pools , the Y pool near where I live , I can go to any of them . Challenging ourselves and winning is a great feeling . We all do it , in almost all facets of our lives . We challenge ourselves to be better at work , to be better parents , or grandparents , to be better , healthier cooks , gardeners , tennis players , to loose weight , do a better job balancing our budgets , the list goes on . We 're not always going to win , I still struggle with that blasted budget , but if we keep trying , and set realistic goals so we don 't defeat ourselves before we ever get started , its amazing what we can accomplish . Writing is no different . You are in a competition with yourself to write the best book or short story possible . You 're going to test how well you did by sending your manuscript out to compete with thousands of other writers who are also sweating blood and tears to come up with the next best seller , or just to get into print . And , as certain as death and taxes , you are going to get rejected . If you keep at this long enough , you 'll have enough rejection slips to wallpaper the dining room . But , like getting in and out of the pool , if you keep trying , good things happen . It may not come in the form of a publishers contract , but go back and read something you wrote a year ago , two years ago , and see if you have improved . See if you are learning , finally , to do this very difficult thing , write a good book . Now go back and read the chapter you just finished . How does it read ? Flows better ? Characters seem more real ? Dialog not so stilted ? Plot makes sense ? You haven 't used every adverb you 've ever met ? Ha ! You have a personal best . Celebrate . Sing your own praises , crow like a rooster , dance an Irish jig . Make yourself a hot fudge sundae . Then , go pull out that desk chair and plant your behind in it . Crank up the computer and take another look at that great chapter . Can you make it even better ? Probably . And , what comes after that ? The next chapter , of course . And this one will be better still . Because personal bests exist only to challenge us to do more , to reach another harder and more rewarding goal . I 'm going to follow my own advice . The next chapter in the book I 'm writing is going to be more exciting , I 'm going to push the story forward without getting hung up on tangents , the characters will be more alive and my dialog is going to sparkle . And , I 'm going to keep getting in and out of that pool without using the lift and who knows , maybe I 'll get up enough courage to actually try swimming across it , Maybe . If I do , that will be truly a personal best . So , I raise me coffee cup in salute to you , to me , to all of us who have achieved a personal best . Let me know what yours was , and how you managed it . I 'll bet there are some pretty interesting stories out there . Posted on September 8 , 2011 by kathleen Reply Sunday is the eleventh of September , the tenth anniversary of the terrible attack on the twin towers in New York . It 's a day none of us will ever forget . After all these years , it 's stored in all our family lore , either because of tragedy , close and personal , or because of the sheer horror of what happened , but each of us has a story to tell about that day . Let me tell you mine . My youngest daughter was due to give birth to her first child , but said child didn 't seem too eager to put in an appearance . So , when she called me early on the morning of September tenth , I knew we were finally on our way . Call the doctor , I said , and started to make my own preparations . I lived on California 's central coast ; she was in the LA area , four or more hours away . The baby was in no hurry . We spent a difficult night , my daughter , the baby 's father and me , while the hospital staff popped in and out , monitoring her progress and the baby 's heart beat . On toward morning , there was much discussion why she wasn 't making progress and worrying about a dry birth . They weren 't as worried as I was . So , even though the television was on , I missed it . " An airplane just flew into that building , " the baby 's father said , staring transfixed at the TV . " Not possible , " I answered , but I turned to look We both stood , uncomprehending , as the second plane went in . Nurses came in to check on my daughter and paused to stare at the TV . We spoke to each other in hushed tones , as if to speak too loudly would make what we were watching real . Suddenly , for me , it became very real . Paralysis melted and my brain had started to function . One of my sons worked in New York , across the plaza from the Twin Towers ! They were talking about other buildings on fire ! Which ones ? I had visited his family not that long ago . One evening , after I had spent the day in the city , he and I met after work and walked over to one of the towers for a glass of wine before returning to Long Island . We went to the top , took our wine out onto the viewing area and watched the lights of New York come on . It had been magical . It wasn 't magical now . I had to know where he was . I grabbed my cell phone and ran downstairs . It was impossible to get through to New York . I needed to get back upstairs . My daughter 's pains were coming faster and she was in extreme distress . I was worried about her and about the baby . An emergency C - section loomed large in my mind , but so did my son . Where was he ? I phoned another daughter who lived in the LA area . She had heard the news but was on her way to her job as a teacher . Don 't leave until you find your brother , I instructed , no one is going to send their kids to school today anyway . Upstairs , things weren 't going so well . The doctor was on her way ; nurses were glued to thePosted in Life | Tagged 9 / 11 , fear , giving birth , magical city , new york , twin towers | Leave a reply

I was out in the Hamptons with Kelly Ripa and her husband Mark and the kids [ Michael , Lola and Joaquin ] and Kaya , and they were all playing in the Hamptons . I was supposed to get back into New York City to audition for CSI : Miami , and I didn 't end up getting back in time because Kaya and Lola were playing in the little pond part , not quite the ocean , but it 's like a pond that 's right off the ocean in the Hamptons . Kaya had stepped off an underwater ledge and was literally drowning like 50 yards away from us . Lola was standing on the ledge , and standing knee deep in the water . We couldn 't figure out , we were like , maybe Kaya 's swimming . We stood there and watched her , for the longest time , not realizing that she 's drowning . Then we both realized at the same time , Kelly and I are running stripping through the water . Kelly got to her before I did and pulled her out of the water , so I didn 't end up going to the audition . I was like , forget it , I 'm not going , I 'm too traumatized , like oh my god , my kid almost died while I sat there and watched her . So I didn 't go . Kaya 's father is actor John Callahan . on May 5th , 2008 that almost was exactly like my experience with my now 11 yr old . When he was 3 we were at a family gathering and he had the floaties on his arm and we were watching him , he came out of the water sat down with us adults . Next thing we knew he was gone and the floaties were still with us . We were all running up and down the beach when my SIL saw him by the rope and swam out to get him . I thought I had lost my baby and completely freaked out . It all worked out in the end but you can guarantee I never let him out of my sight again . on May 5th , 2008 Scary ! I am a very paranoid Mommy when it comes to my daughter and water and she 's not quite 2 yet . I was trying to multitask the night before her 1st birthday party . I put her in the bathtub and sat on the floor beside her to scrub the toilet and the floor . I am watching her and cleaning … next thing I know she slides under the water ! I am trying to grab her out of the water but she is so slippery from the bubble bath . All of maybe 3 seconds pass and I get her out wrapped in a towel and collapse against the wall . She is gagging and vomiting up soapy water . I have never , ever been more freaked as I was that night and I was literally RIGHT THERE ! I have always done nothing but sit at the side of the tub and play with her toys with her while she takes a bath since that awful night . Amanda C on May 5th , 2008 That story gave me the chills . I have not had to experience a moment like that ( I have a 6 year old and a 7 month old ) and I pray to God that I never will . It is one of my greatest fears . I cry when ever I hear of a parent losing their child ( or in this case , almost losing a child , which the fear is the same ) . on May 5th , 2008 The day my youngest came home from the hospital , we put him in his bed and experiencing all the first night jitters . About 3am , something woke me . . just kinda woke . I looked over just to check on my new little man , and he was purple . I ripped him up and he started flailing . I flipped him over onto his stomach and he started breathing again . We called 911 and while they were on their way , he did it two times more . Eventually was diagnosed with severe reflux and esophageal spasms . But scared the crap out of me . @ Casey that is the exact same thing that happened to my daughter when she was 5 months old . Something just woke me up in the middle of the night and she was stiff and had stopped breathing too . Thank God I did though , it was very scary . on May 5th , 2008 I know my mom 's scariest moment ! I was 4 and running around the pool , slipped , cracked my head open and sunk to the bottom of the pool . She dived in and had to give me CPR and call 911 . They got me to the hospital and I was in and out of consciousness but after a day of observation I was ok , just a concussion ! Scared the crap out of her though ! ! on May 5th , 2008 When my son was not quite 2 year - old , as we were leaving the mall , some store employee placed a handfull of hard candies in his lap . I looked at the woman like she was nuts and gathered them all up and was VERY careful to make sure I got them all up and I placed them in my purse . I then put my son in his carseat and placed his diaper bag and my purse on the floor of the backseat , got in the car and headed home . Most of the time I would put on some music , but thank God I didn 't that day because about halfway home I heard soft gagging noises and I looked in my rearview mirror and my son was turning blue ! ! I pulled the car over and grabbed him , that 's when I noticed my purse was pulled up on the seat next to him ( I guess my purse strap must have been within his grasp ) . I realized then that he had gotten a hold of the candies and so , I threw him over my lap and pounded his back and after several long horrifying seconds the piece candy popped out . I have never been so scared in my life ! From then on , I made sure my purse was in the front seat with me . on May 5th , 2008 A couple of months ago , I went for a run with my husband and two kids . WE decided to hit the grocery store before we got home . My little one ended up falling asleep and was kind of slumped over on her big brother in the stroller . Thank goodness he didn 't have a problem with it . When we went to cross the crosswalk , with the walk light on , and all of the cars stopped , one of the drivers suddenly decided to go , when we were fully in the crosswalk . We don 't know what happened , because she knew we were there ; we had both made eye contact with her before stepping into the crosswalk . Worst thing was , when she hit the stroller , she didn 't stop going . My husband was yelling at her and slapping the top of her truck , and she finally stopped . Because of the way that traffic was , I had to climb over the top of where the stroller was under the truck . We pushed the frame out from under the truck , and thank God , because the baby had been asleep , slouched over on her brother , she was okay . I was scared to death . I could hardly stand up - was just so glad my kids were okay . Also , the stroller held up so well , it protected her . It is a schwinn biketrailer / jogging stroller , and the frame held up when the truck smashed it , only the wheel on the opposite side was totally ruined . Just be very careful of drivers . We were very visible , with a big buggy and a big orange flag . We waited for the walk signal , we made eye contact with the driver in the right lane … everything we should have done . Scariest part , this is something I worried about since the first time I stepped out with my little boy in a stroller . I have always been so careful to look both ways , keep the stroller close to me , etc . on May 5th , 2008 That 's so scary , thank god kaya was ok . I wish more pics of kaya would be posted here , that child is stunning . She has long light brown hair and blue eyes . There 's a commerical for ovarian cancer that eva and kaya are on , on the lifetime channel , so cute . Eva is also the godmother of kelly 's older son michael , kelly and her have been friends for many years . Natasha on May 5th , 2008 OMG , I 'm sure it felt like an ETERNITY while she was trying to figure out what was going on . HOW VERY SCARY . We had a similar situation with our daughter , I was two feet away from her in a pool and she stepped off the last step and the water was just too high . It took a minute for me to register what my eyes were seeing , and then I just grabbed her right out of the water . I actually felt like I spent time processing my thoughts , but my husband swears I grabbed her the second she went under . I 'm sure Eva and Kelly got to Kaya in record time , but it probably felt like everything was in slow motion . Ugh . on May 5th , 2008 When my eldest was about 15mos old ( he 's 7 now ) , I was putting laundry away in my bedroom and he climbed into our shower stall and unbeknownst was able to reach my razor . He walked out with the blade end in his mouth . I thought I was going to be sick . I walked over to him and gently said " Open up " The cap was still on ! Phew . We bought a new shower caddy and the razors are never below our shoulder level nor are the caps ever left off . on May 5th , 2008 Oh , my heart breaks just reading Eva 's story , and everyone else 's close moments . Last year , when my oldest was in kindergarten , I had a scary moment . She was waiting for the bus . She knew the rules about waiting for the driver to wave her on before crossing the street . I had just gotten over my extreme fear of letting her cross without me . The bus was pulling to a stop and I gave her a kiss and ran off up the driveway to catch my 3 - year old . As I got to the top of the driveway , time suddenly stopped . I turned to wave good - bye to her . The bus driver waved her on . The car coming the other way decided to speed up instead of completely stopping . My daughter jumped back at the last minute , because she had dropped her sweater . The guy in the car zipped past at about 50 miles an hour . I couldn 't breathe for about an hour after that . I have never let her cross the street by herself again . on May 5th , 2008 My daughter had a Johnny Jump - Up and used to love bouncing in it . Then one day it fell . She fell to her knees and pitched forward , landing face first on the tile floor . Her grandfather was only a few feet away and was watching her , but he couldn 't get to her in time to catch her . I heard him start shouting and turned around to see my four - month - old lying face down on the tile not moving . I felt like my heart jumped up and out of my body , I completely panicked . I know it 's illogical , but I thought she was dead . I was further away from her than her grandfather but I managed to race over there and scoop her up first . Once I picked her up , the hysterics started . I had never been happier to hear a crying baby in my life . Everyone ran over and tried to help and all I could do was shout " GET AWAY " and ran off to the back room to comfort her an evaluate her injuries . I didn 't mean to shout , but I was in major primal mommy mode ( and she was in major baby meltdown mode ! ) . She was completely hysterical , choking on her sobs . I was relieved that she was crying and alive , but I hadn 't had time to check if anything was broken / fractured / bleeding / etc . I know it 's a small incident , but I thought she was dead when I saw her lying there . Luckily she escaped with only a small bump on her forehead ! I had been staying about a mile away from my parents at the time but spent the next three days there and kept my daughter in bed with me . I didn 't have a car , and I figured that with the possible complications can follow a head injury , it 'd be safest to keep her with my 24 / 7 to monitor her and to be around people who could drive me to a hospital if anything happened . on May 5th , 2008 When my twins were 4 months old , I put my little guy in his swing to let him nap . Then I set my little girl PROPPED IN A BOPPY PILLOW ON THE COUCH just long enough to turn around and get her bouncy bassinet ready for her . She wasn 't even close to rolling over , but the moment I turned away from her , I heard a thud , and it was the most sickening sound I 've ever heard . She had fallen off the couch and landed face down on the wood floor and the Boppy was on top of her . I grabbed her so fast , not even thinking about possible neck injury and that maybe I shouldn 't move her . She started screaming , her nose was bleeding , I was sobbing . I 'm a nurse , so I did a quick neuro check and she seemed ok , but the pediatrician wanted me to bring her in anyway . I raced to the Dr 's office , running red lights and everything . She was fine . But the moral of the story is , when the Boppy tags warn you to NEVER leave them unattended , heed the warning ! ! ! I don 't know how many times I left them swaddled up and tucked into the Boppy on the couch when they were teeny tiny , but there comes a time when they WILL be able to move from the Boppy ! ! ! Very scary for me . For about a month , every time I thought about it , I cried . NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE IN THE BOPPY ! It 's not Boppy 's fault , it was mine . my sister once sat down onto the barbecue while it was still on after we ate . she must have thought it was a chair or something , she must have been about two . my parents immediately put her in a bucket of water . thank god the thing was already quite cold and she never even had a scar . on May 5th , 2008 These stories are scary to read , but I did , to be aware of any dangers I haven 't thought about . I don 't have kids myself , but I 'm a caregiver . I 've had a couple frightening experiences in that , though . When I worked at a day care center , we were feeding the toddlers lunch . There were about eight of them at the table , and two adults supervising . You try to watch each of them at once , but all of a sudden , one of the kids was turning blue . He was choking . I panicked , kind of in shock - not very useful , but the other teacher got the food dislodged , and the boy was fine . I was 19 or 20 , a little naive , I hope I 'd handle it better now . Another time , I was helping at a gathering , where the adults were watching a movie , and the kids ( mostly 2 year olds ) were playing downstairs . I led two kids ( a boy and girl ) through the kitchen , and before I could analyze the situation , they were two footsteps ahead of me at the top of the stairs . The girl pushed the boy , and he tumbled all the way down the ( carpeted ) flight . I felt so helpless watching it happen . In hindsight , I should have been in front of them , but for whatever reason , I wasn 't . Luckily , the boy just had a swollen lip . I swear he tumbled head over feet a few times . Sometimes , babies are so resilient ! When I was 1 , I pushed my baby brother down a flight of stairs in his walker . These days , most parents would put up a gate , and hopefully not leave a toddler and an infant together out of reach . But he seems to be okay now , for a frat boy type . 😉 Penny on May 5th , 2008 All these stories are so scary . I think everyone has or know of someone who has had an experince simillar to these . I work at a daycare and one of the moms came in with her son who was about 15 months . He had a bandage on his hand and what had happend was they were in a hotel room and the child was walking around . One of there older children went to the bathroom and the 15mo had his finger in the door . When the door slammed shut ( especially some heavy doors close so fast ) his pinky got caught and almost cut of the tip of his pinky . It cut at about the first knuckle closest to the tip but it wasn 't all the way off . They rushed him to the hospital and had to have it sown shut back on . Even though i wasn 't there i knew the little boy and felt so bad and that feeling of scariness inside me . I wanted to tell this one because there wasn 't a mention of this type of story yet . You should always watch your childrens fingers around doors because they can slip in there so fast . Very scary on May 5th , 2008 Oh how I feel for Eva … your heart stops and you either react or freeze , its called mommy instincts … I was at work , my husband had called earlier , he was playing with my girls and they were jumping onto the piles of clothes in my room ( I was cleaning out the closets ) laughing and playing … . . 45 minutes later , I received another call , I am still at work , he was screaming that she had a gash ( my oldest who is 4 ) and there was blood everywhere … . I bolted and rushed to the ER to meet them . Apparently , she had been watching Alice in Wonderland , so she stood on a chair like the Queen and was bossing her sister about " her roses " and she jumped off the chair onto a pile of clothes … . there was a kids small wooden chair next to the pile of clothes and she smashed her forehead into the chair , missing the pile of clothes she was jumping on … . Blood pouring everywhere , my husband said she looked like the movie Carrie , she was screaming and blood was flying everywhere , he had to find out WHERE the blood was coming from , it was her forehead , she had to have 5 stitches and she is fine but she is deathly afraid of the chair in our room that she jumped off of and she is much more cautious than she used to be … . as for both my husband and I we understand that kids get hurt but it is SO different when it is YOUR kid . I also used to teach swim lessons , PLEASE EVERYONE MAKE YOUR CHILDREN WATER SAFE AND WATCH THEM AT ALL TIMES BY ANY BODY OF WATER ! ! It breaks my heart to hear of stories where children have drowned ! As we all know it only takes seconds for something to happen . Just my water safety minute for all parents ! When I was 3 , we were staying at a hotel , and my dad was walking with us to the pool . At the sight of the pool , I got so excited that I ran forward and fell right into the deep end . My dad had to dive in and catch me . My mom says in the split second that happened , she remembers looking down and seeing two ponytails floating straight up and two big green eyes looking around in confusion . LOL Another time , we were at the bank , and we went into a crosswalk during a red light . I started walking ahead but my mom saw this car come flying around the corner . She reached out and grabbed me by the shoulder and whipped me backwards , and I just missed being hit by the car , which didn 't even stop for the red light . Recently , my sis and her two kids were swimming in an outdoor pool in Florida when someone realized that a Coral snake was in the pool . Everyone jumped out , but my niece was swimming around the deep end , making her way to the ladder . My sister saw the snake heading towards my niece and , even though she was recovering from a broken shoulder , picked my niece up and threw her to the other side of the pool . My niece misinterpreted this as my sister throwing her back to the snake and got very upset . LOL Fortunately , no one was hurt and the snake was removed . The one that I find most amazing is my friend 's daughter who was just becoming mobile when she slipped away and fell down a flight of stairs - stairs without carpeting . The mom ran to catch her , but was only able to see her fall . She sat there in shock but the baby , upon reaching the bottom of the stairs , started laughing and wasn 't hurt AT ALL . Made of rubber . Seriously . about a year ago my daughters were visiting their dad in chicago ( we live in l . a . ) and they went to a park . i was in the hot tub back in l . a . just relaxing when my ex calls me in a panic . . i pick up the phone and he 's like screaming saying " I CANT FIND HER I CANT FIND HER ! ! " . . i jumped so far out of the tub . . i was like " what are you talking about who ? ? " then he said " COULTYN . . SHE WAS HERE AND NOW SHE ' S GONE . . I CANT FIND HER ! " i was absolutely hysterical i couldnt stop cussing and crying . . i called my mom who also lives in chi . and she went to the park to meet Logan and get our other baby . i didnt know what to do . . i have no family in l . a . so i just sat on the phone with my sister ( who was back in chi . ) . . thank God there are still good people in the world because this lovely man asked Coultyn where she lived and she said " with my mommy " . . so she took him back to the park . . it turns out Co had followed the man 's dog home from the park while daddy wasnt watching her . . ever since i 've been really skeptical about letting my daughters spend another few weeks with their dad unless my mom goes over there 10 times a day ! ! ! when my girls got back home i asked Co why she follwed the dog back home and she said she didnt want him to be scared to walk by himself … she 's so sweet but scared the crap out of me ! !

Recently , I got some reviews over at webfictionguide . com . I will admit that this has a part to play in my next announcement , but I 'm going to go on a hiatus for the story . The reviews weren 't as much as I 'd like , but they really just confirmed what I was feeling . I 'm quite the perfectionist and , unfortunately , Real Life invading my Internet Life like a rampaging Mongol hoarde ( no offense to Mongolians ) is really making it hard for me to deliver what I would consider top quality work . I 'm going to need to take a hiatus until I can get things sorted out . I 'll leave up what I have , but I 'll probably be taking it down when I do finally come back . I want to have a fresh start and complete revamp when I take my Mulligan . For those few who have been following this , thanks for reading as long as you have , and I hope that you can find me again when I come back . While you 're waiting , check out Web Fiction Guide . It has reviews of and links to some great fiction . Samo sat by Professor Lasci 's bed , watching him . It was getting late into the evening . He supposed Tarat had finished his business and gone home , although Tarat was , in fact , still speaking with Detective Giesa . Lasci wasn 't moving , but Samo didn 't want to take any chances . If the man woke , he wanted to be there . If he didn 't wake up , well , Samo prayed that he woke . He had never imagined that he would be sitting at the bedside of the man who hated him more than almost any other , praying for him to wake up and find him there . The nurses and doctors went through like clockwork , taking care of their business as if he weren 't there . He had already received permission to stay there , at the hospital . In fact , the head doctor had practically ordered him to do so . No one wanted him out in the streets right now , not when two people connected to him had been attacked , and one of them killed . As far as they knew , he could be the next target . He may have been the next target , in fact . He tried to piece together memories of the two men and their connection to each other , but mostly to the Inventors . Gianan , he knew , was a member of the order . Lasci , he wasn 't sure about . He knew that Chancellor Naram was an Inventor , because he told him . He told him ? Lasci came to the garage sometimes , and would talk with Gianan for hours . He knew that the two were friends . Naram never came over . Gianan 's favorite dish was roasted beef liver with apple and onions . Yech . Why did he have to remember that ? Lasci commented on it once . At least Samo and Lasci shared that in way of views . They both thought Gianan had no taste in food . As he contemplated , he heard a knock at the door . The nurses and doctors didn 't knock . They ignored him . He looked up and saw Kiara standing there . He smiled and motioned for her to come in . When she sat next to him , he said , " What are you doing here ? " Samo inhaled and discovered , for the first time ever , what a woman smelled like . Like anyone else , only nicer . Much nicer . She did smell a bit of grease , which he knew was unlike most women , but he liked that . He shook his head and said , " Did Tarat tell you ? " " He was attacked at Lasci 's house and knows all about what 's going on . At least , " Samo said , put his hand to his forehead . " He knows what 's going on as far as I know what 's going on . " " Samo , " Kiara said , taking his chin between her forefinger and thumb and turning his face to hers . " You can trust me . Please believe me when I say you can trust me . " " Why are you holding on to me ? " He looked down , as if just noticing for the first time that she had practically latched herself onto him . " I mean , I - it 's not that I don 't - " He nodded . " I think I can , " he said . " It 's hard for me . I didn 't know if I could trust you or Kia . I wasn 't even sure if I could trust myself . " " People call me crazy , " he said . " I 'm not sure that they 're wrong . What if I did kill Gianan , and that the man in the night was an illusion ? What if it was a hallucination that I came up with to hide the truth ? What if - " His words were cut off by his mouth being smothered with hers . When Kiara pulled back from the kiss , he looked at her with shock and said , " Wuh ? " She smiled faintly . " I don 't kiss murderers , " she said . " Now stop talking like that before I 'm forced to smack you around . " She wrapped her arms around his torso and said , " I know you didn 't kill Gianan , just like you had nothing to do with Lasci 's attack . You weren 't even there . The guy was probably the same one . " " Why do you like me ? " he asked . As her head was by his shoulder , he rested his head on hers . She was silent for a long time , and his stomach began to knot as he waited . At first , he thought she had fallen asleep , but then realized she was thinking . " I grow on you , like a lichen grows on a tree . " He looked at her befuddled face and smiled . The thought amused him . He giggled at it and stopped , asking , " So where 's Kia ? " She said , " I don 't know . He said he had some business to take care of , someone he was going to meet . I think he may have a secret girlfriend he doesn 't want me to know about . " " That doesn 't seem like Kia , " Samo answered . Before he could say more , he had a thought that caused him to start enough to jump out of his seat . " That idiot is going to get himself killed , " he muttered . " Come on , I 'll explain on the way . " He grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the room . Hours later , Giesa finished telling Tarat about the Inventors and the history of their order . He was surprised to learn that they went even farther back than Sarenti Dacule , the man whose pseudonym gave them their recognized name . In fact , the order was nearly a thousand years old . What surprised him even more , was that Samo had been correct . Sarenti Dacule had gone to Hell and back , and then continued to live on . Giesa explained everything about them , everything he knew anyway . He knew a lot . He had traveled with Dacule , even lived in his home ( a location that he failed to mention ) , and knew him as a friend . After the detective was finished speaking , Tarat sat in stunned silence for some time to try to sort things out . Many things , he had missed . Many , he simply did not understand . There were a few things , however , that he tried to piece together . Hopefully , understanding them would yield information . So much , so quickly would drown a man 's mind like a rush of water would drown even a man dying of thirst . Tarat was about to speak when they heard the heavy boots of a man walking to the back . They both looked toward the door as Tansu , the bookseller , walked in and said , " There is a man here to see you . He is from the police . " Tarat looked at Giesa nervously . The detective patted his hand on the air to calm him . He said , " I told someone where I was going . If this is whom I think it is , we have nothing to fear . " He turned to Tansu and said , " Could you take care of these while we talk to the man ? I 'll tell you if any customers come in . " Tansu smiled . He said , " I closed my doors an hour ago . I only let the man in because of his uniform . I 'll stay back here , though . " " Thank you , " he answered . He motioned for Tarat to follow him as they walked into the main room of the store . Standing at the counter , there was a police officer in the blue tunic that all were required to wear . He had dark blond hair and bushy eyebrows . His nose seemed to have been broken once in the past . Tarat did not recognize him . Giesa , when he saw the man , breathed a sigh of relief . He said , " Well , do you have any information ? " The officer shook his head . Softly , he said , " I talked to the man 's master and found out that he didn 't even know who Lasci was , and had only heard of Gianan because of the news . I don 't know why he might have done it . He didn 't even have reason to rob a house . The master was quite rich . " " Not a chance . " The officer shook his head again . " The candle maker keeps a very dictatorial hold on his apprentices . That 's even how he said it , as a matter of fact , dictatorial . " " No , sir . " With a wave of Giesa 's hand , the officer nodded and walked out of the shop . When the man was gone , Giesa set his elbow on the counter and groaned . " This is bad , " he said . " This is very bad . " Before Tarat could ask what he meant , he said , " I need to go . Be careful tonight . " Without another word , he was out the door . Tarat stepped toward him , but stopped as the door closed . Tansu poked his head out from the back room and said , " Are you going to be staying much longer ? I 'd like to get home soon . " Tarat shook his head . " No , Tansu . You 've been a great help today . I 'll be going now . " Then , he stepped forward and stepped out into the night . Five hours after Tarat entered the back room of Tansu 's bookshop , he was still there , reading and studying . Three hours in , Tansu had set up a small table for him and began bringing him tea , much to Tarat 's gratitude . Since then , Tarat had drunk tea nearly nonstop for two hours and needed a break to relieve himself . Coming back , he was dismayed to find Giesa , the detective he had met the day before , standing over the books with his hands behind his back . Giesa looked up at him and smiled . He said , " Interesting reading you have here , officer . I 'd like to know what you 're doing with it , rather than burning it according to the law . " " Good try , " Giesa answered . " But I don 't believe you . When you tell a lie , try to know what you 're going to say before you do . Sorry , but Samo is much smarter than you . " Giesa grinned slyly and said , " I know of him . I have met him a few times , not that he 'd remember . It was mostly to meet with Gianan . " " Do you want me to arrest you ? " Giesa took a pair of manacles off his belt and held them out . " I wasn 't planning to , but if you insist . I 'd suggest against it . " " Hah ! No . " Giesa shook his head and leaned against a stack of books that butted against the wall . " I don 't have the scientific head . Gianan was the one for that . " Giesa sat in the chair that Tarat had previously occupied and said , " Perhaps I was wrong about your intelligence . He is my brother . You may just be a good detective someday . " " Well , Samo is much smarter than me , so it 's not that I took it as an insult . He 's much smarter than everyone . " Tarat carried a nearby stool to the table and set it down . Sitting , he watched Giesa look around the room . It was apparent that he was no illiterate . The way he looked around at the books , one could tell that he was comfortable enough around them to barely notice them and to be fascinated by them at the same time . It was not the books he loved , but the information inside . Then , Giesa took a small book , brought it to his nose and sniffed . Tarat 's mouth fell agape as Giesa then inhaled deeply through the nose and smiled contentedly . He said , " What are you doing ? " " Hm ? " Giesa looked at him and chuckled . He said , " Have you ever smelled a book ? I know you 've smelled one , but have you ever purposely smelled a book ? To get the scent of the musty paper , or the new paper for that matter . You could even tell the approximate age of a book by the smell , if you know enough about it . The mustier the smell , the older the book . Of course , variable use of the book can have an effect . The more it 's used , the sooner the pages break down . " Tarat shook his head . " I have no idea what you 're talking about . " He pulled the Dacule manual closer to him and bent over it nervously . Was this man insane ? He said , " Maybe Samo should have been your apprentice rather than Gianan 's . You 're as crazy as he is . " Giesa gave a belly laugh and said , " Heaven help us . If Samo were to learn from me , that would be - " He paused . Looking down contemplatively , he thought for a moment . Then , looking at Tarat with a look of stern determination , he said , " Do you know why I 'm not arresting you ? " " Because it 's a foolish law written by foolish men and enforced by fools . " He took the manual from Tarat and said , " I 'm not a scientist , but this is amazing work . Sarenti was an amazing man . He was , before he died . " " You should have laughed and told me he died decades before you were born . " Tarat smiled as Giesa looked up with a face full of shock and anxiety . He took the book back and began leafing through the pages . Casting a furtive glance at Giesa , he bent over and sniffed the book . It smelled very musty , an odor that Tarat had never enjoyed much , but then again , he was not used to the smell of a book , even when he was reading them . He sniffed again , understanding why someone would enjoy it . Looking up at Giesa , he saw amusement and anxiety fighting for supremacy in the man 's complexion . He said , " I already know what happened to Sarenti Dacule . Why don 't you explain ? Did Gianan know ? Is that why he was killed ? " " Well , " Giesa said . " I truly was wrong about you . You will be a wonderful detective someday , if you are not already . " Then he began to explain what he knew . Not wanting to seem like he was hurrying , which he was , Tarat kept his pace as even as possible . He needed to find some way to understand what was going on . He didn 't even know where to start . The libraries at the Academy were the best source of information for just about anything related to the sciences and to history . Unfortunately , they were for the Academy . The public could use them freely , but patrons needed to sign their names into a roster in order to utilize it . He didn 't want to leave a trace of the fact that he was looking for information . He also didn 't want to ask Kiara for help . Even Samo didn 't know if he wanted to do that . Kia wouldn 't have been much help if he had asked . He was an painter . It wasn 't as if he knew anything about politics . Then , as if he was hit by a second blow from his dead attacker , he stopped in the middle of the street . Bringing his hand to his forehead , he groaned . Then he started running . People paused to watch him pass ; it wasn 't uncommon to see someone running , but many of them knew who he was . He was one of the more popular of the police , since he was still new and had not yet become hard to the people from whence he came . They also knew that Tarat , specifically , did not generally run unless there was some reason . He always tried to remain calm and composed , unless there was a reason to avoid that . Now he had a reason . He skidded to a stop on the brick sidewalk and recomposed himself , straightening his tunic . He wasn 't in uniform , but it still paid to be as unwrinkled as possible . Opening the door , he walked into the bookstore . Tansu , the bookseller , was sitting on a high stool behind the counter . When he looked up at Tarat , he gasped and stepped down , saying , " Back for more books ? I have nothing illegal here ! " " Calm down , sir , " Tarat replied , raising his hand to calm him . " I 'm not even on duty right now . " He leaned on the counter and stared the man in the eyes . Tansu had a nervous look , but it seemed to be a perpetual nervousness . He tapped his pale , wrinkled fingers on the counter and clicked his tongue impatiently . As Tarat stared into his gray eyes , he saw the unrest that was asking him to leave . Tarat smiled and said , " Do you have anything by Sarenti Dacule ? " " I 'm here for Samo Diarcha . " Tarat interrupted him and continued , " I 'm helping him with something . I need to find any information that I can about or by Dacule , preferably written by him . If I were to tell anyone at the guardhouse , I 'd be arrested just like you . " " You shouldn 't . " Tarat smiled and set his hand on Tansu 's sleeve . " Now , " he said . " I 've been a pretty nice guy , haven 't I ? I haven 't taken advantage of my position , or authority . I haven 't been too harsh with people , because I haven 't seen any reason why I should be like that . " He patted the man 's arm and said , " I 'll tell you what 's up . This is a pretty serious deal here . I know that you have something on Dacule , and if I don 't see it in five minutes , I 'll start messing things up around here . You don 't want that , do you ? " " No I 'm not . " He grabbed Tansu 's sleeve and drew him across the counter so that he was a few inches from his own face . He said , " I 'm actually doing this to help people . Now get me those books . " He released Tansu and looked to the door leading to the back . Tansu backed away from him and started for the back . Tarat followed him , both to make certain that he didn 't run and to go to the books . In the back , Tansu looked among stacks of books and occasionally back at Tarat , who stood with his hands on his hips glaring at him . Finally , Tansu let out a cry of relief and brought down a small stack of five books , which he brought to Tarat . " It 's a history ! " he replied . " A history , a political diary . It is not a spell book . Believe me . If I found one of those , you would not find it in my shop . " Tarat nodded . This was good . He 'd hear from both sides . He said , " I 'll read these back here so no one can see me leave with them . " I 'm going to be changing my update schedule from Monday through Friday to Monday , Wednesday and Friday . Sorry about that , but it 's an attempt to keep up the quality and my own sanity . Thanks for everything . When Tarat walked into the hospital , he expected to hear the screams of surgery and moans of people in recovery . He was disappointed to find that he was correct . He had heard about hospitals , especially the war time hospitals that his uncle worked in on distant shores . Never getting sick or injured enough to need one , he was usually glad that he never had to go to one . As he walked down the corridor , he tried to block out the sounds and smells . Antiseptic and antibiotics did exist , but many Qatarans refused to use them . After all , they had been invented by followers of Sarenti Dacule . He stopped a nurse to find where Professor Lasci was being kept and went down the corridor where he was directed . When he saw three officers standing outside a room , they let him in without question . These were men that he knew , and who knew him . Inside , he found the battered Professor Lasci laying , still unconscious , on his bed . Someone was sitting on a stool by the bedside and praying . Tarat was taken aback when Samo looked up with tears in his eyes . He began to speak , to ask why he was there , but stopped when Samo spoke first . He said , " They 'll think I did this . Lasci hated me and blamed me for getting him fired . They 'll think I did this . He was a friend of Gianan , and they think I killed Gianan . I didn 't kill him , Tarat ! I didn 't do this ! " " It was . My captain told me to take a few weeks to rest . He 'll still be paying me , but I 'm not to get into a uniform in that time . " He took a second stool and set it beside Samo . He said , " I came to give him your message . " Samo smiled . He said , " Thanks , but I 've been telling him since I got here . He hasn 't woken up , but I think it may be getting through . " Tarat leaned on one knee . He stared hard at Samo and watched him . Samo wasn 't moving , but he could see that a lot was going on in his mind . Samo was someone who could appear to be doing nothing , but doing a lot at the same time . Tarat put his hand out , not sure of whether or not he should tap him on the shoulder to get his attention . He didn 't want to ruin whatever processes were going on in the man 's fertile imagination . Deciding that he needed to know , he set his hand on Samo 's shoulder and said , " I 'll help you in this , but I need to know something . " " What do you want to know ? " Samo didn 't turn his head as he spoke , and bore the same look of concentration that told of a deep plan . " Do you want to know who I 'm talking about when I say he 's back ? Is that it ? Why should I trust you ? I don 't even trust Kia and Kiara . I don 't even trust myself at this point . " " Trust me . " Tarat gripped his shoulder . That prompted him to turn his head and look him in the eyes . Samo narrowed his eyes to thin slits and opened his mouth to speak . Tarat cut him off and said , " Trust yourself . If you can 't do that , you 're worthless . I know you didn 't kill Gianan and didn 't have anything to do with this attack . Trust me . I won 't tell unless you say to . " Samo nodded . He gently brushed Tarat 's hand off of his shoulder and stood up . Walking to the other end of the room , he crossed his arms and faced the wall . He said , " Sarenti Dacule didn 't die when everyone thinks he did . In fact , he never died . " " He 's a Hellwalker . He went into hell and came out immortal . That 's how it works . He went in for some reason . I don 't know why . It wasn 't for his sins , but he came out , and he 's now immortal . That 's why these things are happening . That 's why his followers are being killed . I 'm surprised Naram hasn 't been murdered yet . " " How did you put all that together ? " Tarat set his hand on the wall and leaned in toward Samo 's face . He whispered harshly and said , " Do you know what this would mean ? The war would start again , and it would start here , in this city ! " Samo turned from him . " It 's already started . " He stood at Lasci 's bed and stared down at him . " Gianan was the first casualty . Lasci was the second . You were the third . The man you killed was the fourth . Naram may end up being the fifth , or me , or you again . Kia and Kiara may be next , just for knowing me . Heck , that idiot Lora may even be next . Dacule is back , someone knows , and someone doesn 't want him to be . " Tarat leaned against the wall . A pit in his stomach opened , making him feel like he was going to vomit his lunch on the floor . If people discovered the Sarenti Dacule had faked his own death and had even become a Hellwalker , which many believed were simply legends , they 'd riot . They would burn everything associated with him , including the Academy . No , change that . They would especially burn the Academy . The city would be destroyed . He repeated his question , " How did you put all that together ? " " I 'm a genius , remember ? " Samo chuckled and turned to him with a wry smile . He shrugged and said , " I can 't explain it . I 'm just that smart . " He was right about that much , Tarat reasoned . He said , " What do we do now ? " He walked toward Lasci and knelt by his bed . They may try again . The officers out there may not be enough . They won 't be if people hear about this . " " Well , " Samo said , kneeling next to him . " We can 't let them find out . You have ways of learning things that I don 't . I want you to use them . Did your captain say you couldn 't do anything while you 're off duty ? " " No , he just doesn 't want me in uniform . " Tarat laughed . He said , " I guess it 's a good thing I was attacked . Now I can do more than I could have otherwise . " Samo nodded . " I want you to meet me here after supper tonight . If you can go get started , come back and tell me what you find out in that time . If you see Kia and Kiara , tell them to meet me here , but don 't tell them why or what you know . " Samo looked around the shop nervously . It was late , so Gianan would be in bed by now , if he wasn 't staying up waiting for him , that is . For most normal people , it was hours past when he should have gone to bed . For a young man of eighteen , it was horrendous . The worst part was the reason he was late . Coming in from walking the streets with his friends in the middle of the night would have gotten him scrubbing the floors of the garage for a week . He hated that job . Praying that the creak of the door would not be heard , he slunk through the garage . Everything was neatly put away , safe where it was . There was nothing he could knock over in the dark and make such a racket that he woke Gianan and revealed his tardiness . Not like the last time . Even the remnants of the engine Kiara accidentally blew up were put away . He approached the stairs to his upper room and stopped at Gianan 's door . It was open , and he stopped to see if he could hear anything . No snoring . Gianan did not snore that often , so no big deal . He wasn 't coming out to scold him for being so late . At least that was good . Samo set his hand on the railing and stepped on the wood board . He cringed as it creaked loudly . Pausing , he set more weight on it and moved to the next step . With each board , the creaks and groans seemed to get louder . He walked , holding his breath and hoping that he would not be heard . When he reached the landing at the top , he breathed a sigh of relief . It never creaked up here , and he was about to be free and clear . Just then , he heard a noise . The sound of shuffling feet came from Gianan 's room . Samo stood still at his door . His hand was on the latch as he turned his head to see a form , tall and male walking toward the door of the garage . He whispered , " Master Gianan ? " The form turned to him and looked up . Samo couldn 't see his face , but he could see the man resembled Gianan in form , tall and somewhat muscular . Of course , just about everyone seemed tall and muscular to Samo . He started down the steps and said , " Master Gianan , I - " When the man put his finger to his lips , Samo stopped . The man looked at him again . He said , " Master Gianan ? Is that you ? " He started down the stairs again as the man turned and walked to the door . He shouted , " Who are you ? " He raced down the stairs and jumped over the railing when he was still six steps from the bottom . Grabbing a heavy wrench , he chased after the man , who ran out of the garage . " Stop ! " he shouted . " What are you doing ? " When the stranger had fled , he turned back to the garage with a sick feeling in his stomach . He whispered , " No . " Dropping the wrench on the ground , he ran into Gianan 's room and found him lying on his bed . He rushed over to see his master laying there with his hands at his sides and still dressed in his work clothing . He sometimes fell asleep in his clothes , but this was different . This was so very wrong . He wasn 't breathing . " Master Gianan ? " Samo crept closer to him and set his hand on the man 's chest to feel for movement , for anything . There was no breath coming through his lungs . As he teared up , he set his ear to Gianan 's chest . His heart had stopped beating . Samo screamed . He dropped to the floor and crawled away , still screaming . He wasn 't sure when his screams of terror and distress turned into screams of " Murder ! Help ! Murder ! " He did know that , by the time he ran out into the street , he was screaming those words repeatedly . Soon , his neighbors were looking out their windows and some were coming out to see what they could do . Before long , police officers had arrived and were trying to calm him down . He had lost all recognition of what was going on . Soon , a young officer with mutton chops was wrestling him to the ground and prying a wrench from his hands . He didn 't know when he had picked up the wrench . Before he knew it , more officers were arriving and he was tied up against the wall of the garage . Tarat , his friend - was he ? - was standing by , arguing with the officer who had tied him up . When they took Gianan 's body away on a stretcher , Samo began screaming again . He tried to get up , but the ropes around his wrists cut into him , and he fell again . He curled his knees to his chest and bucked , trying to get out of the ropes . Tarat pushed the other officer out of the way and knelt down to him . He help him to sit up and yelled , " Samo ! Samo , it 's Tarat . It 's okay . You 'll be okay . " For the rest of the night , Samo sat there , waiting to be let go . When the police questioned him , they believed his story for the most part . Of course they would , it was true . Finally , Tarat untied his wrists and took him to his own apartment . Samo woke the next morning to find everything had changed . Gianan was dead . It would never be the same again . He just didn 't know how . Chapter Three turned out a little shorter than the first two , so here is the second of three flashback stories . Hopefully , they 'll provide a little more insight . Enjoy Kia sped up as he tried to keep pace with Kiara , much to his chagrin . He was being beaten in a foot race by a girl . Granted , that girl was his sister and she did have longer legs than he did , but he was still being beaten by a girl . She was five yards ahead of him , and gaining . They did not usually race each other , mostly because he didn 't want to be seen getting beaten by a girl , which he would . In fact , they never raced just for the sake of racing . That wasn 't why they were running . Kia yelled out , " Kiara , wait for me ! He 'll still be there ! " Pulling his face into a grimace , Kia huffed as he raced forward , gaining five yards on her . Then , as the ten - year - old ran , his foot struck a cobblestone and caused him to fall . He howled in pain when he landed , as his knee had struck a stone . Sitting on the stones , he sat there and cradled his knee . Kiara marched up to him and said , " Oh , get up . It 's not that bad . " " Yes it is ! " he answered . " My knee 's broken ! I shattered my tibia . My kneecap is cracked . " Kiara crouched down and roughly jabbed a finger at his knee . He whimpered in pain and said , " See ? It hurts to touch it . " " If it was broken , " she said , as she put her arm under his and pulled him up . " You wouldn 't have whimpered like that when I touched it . You would have screamed louder than mom 's cat . " " That 's more like it . " As they walked , with Kia limping on the knee he smacked on the stones , he said , " Why were you running , anyway ? Going to meet your boyfriend ? " " Who are you talking about ? " Kiara stopped and stared at him . She set her hands on her hips , something she had recently picked up from watching her mother and aunts , and said , " I don 't know what you 're talking about . " As she tried to imitate the adults , even Kia could tell how far off and childish the imitation was . He chuckled as he watched her . " No , " she said , glaring at him . " I mean , Tarat 's nice , and he 's cute , but he 's boring ! I 'm going to see Samo . " He followed after her . " I don 't know . I don 't think he likes me very much , and I got hit with one of the mud balls that his machine was throwing around . " " I didn 't do anything ! " Now it was his turned to stalk away , causing his sister to giggle at him , which caused him only more consternation . " It 's not like I ever did anything . " She followed him and put her arm around his shoulder . Gently leading him down a side street , she said , " That 's the problem . You 're friends were picking on him . You did nothing . Therefore , you were picking on him . That 's the way he sees it . " " And how do you know the way he sees it ? " He looked around the street at the houses . He had never been on this road before . It was narrower than most , but still wider than the paths of the Old City , where you could barely walk fifteen people shoulder to shoulder . " Where are we ? " Before he could ask anything else , Kia was shocked by a crashing noise coming down the street . It sounded like a young boy shouting and hooting as a forest of … something , followed after . He was shocked even more when , around the bend , came what looked like a young boy shouting and hooting as a forest followed after . Rather , he was on top of it . The thing that the boy rode was built of wood , with metal joints , and appeared to have six legs . Bars and axles hung between the legs , pulling them and making them walk . In the middle , where they were joined , it looked like a wood - built insect . The body was truly more like a spider 's body than and ant 's however . The boy in the carriage was small and blond . His face was covered in grease , and so was his blond hair , making him almost a brunette . Kia and Kiara ran out of his way as he charged up them . Passing , he shouted , " Hey Kiara ! Sorry I can 't stop . I forgot to add that part ! " He turned around the next corner , shouting , " I 'll see you back at the garage ! " " That was Samo , silly . You know him . " She tugged at his arm , pulling him toward the garage . Just around the corner where Samo and his machine originated , they found the old mechanic , Gianan standing at the open door . He said , " Ah , Kiara . Good to see you again . Samo should be back soon . " " I know . We just saw him . " Then , as if remembering something , she stopped and said , " Oh , this is my brother , Kia . Kia , this is Master Gianan . " As Gianan was commenting on his politeness , Samo came careening down the road and pulled the machine into the garage , forcing the three bystanders to run out of the way . Then , for the next five minutes , he wrangled with the controls to try to slowly bring it down without completely crashing it . When he finally got it to the floor , he jumped out and shouted , " It works ! It works ! I knew it would work ! " " Yes , son , " Gianan said , indulgently and proudly . " You were right again . Now , we need to figure out how to make it so you don 't run people over . " " Well , maybe you should pick your friends a little more wisely . " As Samo spoke , the three children heard Gianan snort with laughter . Samo beamed proudly and said , " Master Gianan tells me that a lot . " Samo smiled and pulled his hand out of his pocket . Clutching Kia 's hand , he said , " Stay away from them tomorrow . I 've got a real stinker set up for them . You don 't want to get caught in it . " " Samo , no ! " Gianan called across the garage . " Use a ladder ! " He dropped his wrench and hurried over to the shelves where the twelve - year - old was climbing to a can of oil . Gianan was getting up in years , but he could still move . As he sprinted across , Samo turned to look at him , losing his balance in the process and falling the fifteen feet to the stone floor . Or else , he would have fallen to the stone floor has Gianan not caught him and spun around to keep from falling himself . Gianan let go of the boy 's waist and set his hands on his shoulders . He said , " Always use a ladder when climbing up there . The Academy wouldn 't like it if one of their students died on my watch . " Gianan set his palm to his face and groaned . He said , " I hate it when you 're right . " He turned to the engine he had been working on , a new design of his , and said , " I think this excitement has tired me a little . Let 's take a break for lunch . " Chuckling , Gianan mussed his hair and said , " Well then , let 's go get something at the market . There 's a little coffeehouse on the corner for which I 've been trying to find some excuse to try . " He turned to the barn - door opening to the garage , and started out . Just then , a man in gray robes embroidered with silver thread entered . He stopped at the entrance and looked around at the greasy area , not disdainfully , but still refusing to enter and ruin his clothes . The man was dark , with tan skin and black hair cropped close . The hood on his robe was down . His features were those of a man who had seen hardship and had stood to face it , but he did not seem to be a hard man . In fact , his smile was almost pleasant . Almost . The man stepped forward and let the hem of his robe brush against the oily floor . Samo stared as the gray fabric became black on the lower edge . The man looked at him and said , " Is this your son ? I had not heard you were a family man . " " No , " he answered . " Samo is my apprentice . " He put his arm around Samo 's shoulders and drew him closer . " I guess you could say I 've sort of adopted him , though . We were just about to get some lunch . Can you come back later , or will this be quick ? " Gianan nodded . " Samo , " he said . " Plug your ears , close your eyes and hum . " When the boy complied , he said , " Go ahead . " The stranger raised an eyebrow , but continued . After giving the message he had come to give , he left without another word . Gianan caught Samo 's attention by tapping him on the shoulder . He seemed different to Samo . Somewhat distraught , in fact . Samo said , " Is something wrong , teacher ? " All through lunch , however , Samo could see that Gianan had been upset by the news he was given . He was silent most of the time , staring out the window at the pedestrians , horse - pulled carriages , bicyclists , and a few attempts and horseless carriages and motorized wagons . As they were beginning their dessert , Samo asked , " Was that man a doran ? " " Hm ? " Gianan turned his attention to Samo and said , " A doran ? Perhaps . I 've heard there are a few councils left that actually dress their priests in robes like that . I 've seen robes like that before , and they were dorans . " As Samo asked him more questions of the priestly orders from before the Council Wars hundreds of years before , Gianan smiled faintly and answered his questions . So far , none of the questions were troubling , just what you would find in a history book . Then , there was one . " Well , " he replied . " Those were some pretty fancy robes , but when he found out who you were , he didn 't seem to mind getting them greasy . I don 't think anyone but a mechanic would be that way . Techmages are mechanics , aren 't they ? Magic through science ? " Gianan shook his head and laughed . " You are amazing . Yes , I believe you 're right . There 's more to it than , that , however . Much more . " " No , Samo , " he answered . " No , it was not about someone dying . " Gianan chewed his lip as he thought , trying to parse the message for what it meant , and for what it forebode for him for him , and for Samo . He leaned forward and said , " I 'd like to tell you a story . " Lowering his voice , he glanced around the room . " You need to promise me , " he said . " That you will tell no one . Not even your friends . No one must hear of this story . " When Samo leaned forward to hear more clearly , he said , " I want to tell you about Sarenti Dacule and the Order of the Inventor . " Back at the guardhouse , Tarat stepped into the room where Samo was being held and leaned back against the door , barring it with his frame . He looked at Samo , still sitting on the stool where he was before he left . He didn 't seem much different . Tarat wondered how he would react when he told him what had happened . He hadn 't received orders to be down there . In fact , he hadn 't even received permission . Forget permission . He had been attacked on account of this guy . Samo looked at him dumbly , expecting him to say something , but Tarat remained silent . Instead , he simply crossed his arms and glared at him . " You 're right about that , " Tarat answered . " But I wouldn 't be the one doing it . There are some who want it . Now , Professor Lasci is in the hospital right now - " Tarat ignored him and continued . " - with multiple injuries and I got a metal bar across my shoulders , the same bar that was used to beat Lasci to a pulp ! You want to know what happened to that guy ? I killed him ! " " It must have been horrible , " Samo said . " To have to kill someone , especially when he wants to kill you . It must have been horrible . " " It was . " Tarat backed away and said , " I need to know . Whomever you 're trying to protect Lasci from got to him before I could , if it was more than just a simple house robbery . I need to know . " Before Samo could answer , the captain walked into the room and cleared his throat . Tarat whirled around to face him . The man looked agitated and angry . He said , " You 're not supposed to be down here . No matter , though . We 're letting him go . " Samo let out a whoop and slipped out of the cords around his wrists . He stood and walked to the door , saying , " See y ' all later . " When he was gone , Tarat turned to the captain and waited for the rebuke he thought imminent . Tarat straightened his back as he came to full attention . " I was trying to find out information . I wanted to know who the " he " in the message was . " " No ! " Tarat stepped forward menacingly - at least , he tried to be menacing . When the captain backed away and reached for his sword , he stepped back and said , " Excuse me , captain . Samo is a friend of mine . Or rather , he used to be , anyway . I don 't really know how to describe it now , but if anyone tried to beat anything out of Samo , that person would be next on my list , even if it were you , sir . " He had expected the captain to glare at the threat , fire him from the force , or even lock him in the cell as a prisoner himself . Instead , the man smiled . He said , " I see . I have a few friends like that . I understand . I want you to do something , though . Take your own advice . " When Tarat looked at him confused , he said , " Don 't underestimate him . He 's very dangerous . " " Yes . " The captain folded his arms . " Take a while off to relax . Take care of that shoulder . I was hit like that once . I don 't want to see you in a uniform for two weeks . Don 't worry , " he said , as Tarat began to protest . " You 'll still be paid , but I want you to rest . That 's an order . "

Adam was but human - this explains it all . He did not want the apple for the apple 's sake , he wanted it only because it was forbidden . The mistake was not forbidding the serpent ; then he would have eaten the serpent . - Mark Twain My Father , dressed in a brown suit , took a step forward and I ran to him . " Where 's Janet ? " I asked . I handed him my book bag . Then Mrs . Henry , my teacher , came over to me and asked , " Who is this ? " " Then I guess it 's all right , " she said . Because of the bright sun , she held her hands over her eyes . My second grade teacher was an older woman with lots of gray hair , and the bright sun hurt her eyes . Many times she wore special glasses . " It 's all right , " my father said . He took my hand and we walked out of the noisy playground toward his green and white Buick . He was in his late forties then , but he seemed to have the gait of a man much older . There was gray in his hair , but both Mom and I knew he had started to dye his moustache . " Janet was here , " he said , " but I thought you would like to play some golf . " He paused , looked at the sky , putting his hands over his eyes just the way my teacher had . " I paid her and told her she could have the day off . " It was Florida then . Perhaps as it is Florida now , but not the same Florida . The June sun was where it usually was , and the day was hot and humid . Someone had told me that it was the start of the hurricane season . Or maybe it was the end of the hurricane season . I can 't remember which . After a certain age , our lives are mostly memory anyway . I climbed into the car . The seat was hot . My father tossed my book bag into the backseat . He didn 't ask me about homework , so I didn 't tell him . After all it was Friday . Even so , Janet would always ask me about my homework . Then Mom . Homework was useful because it gave everybody something to talk about . I had a lot of arithmetic homework that year , and my teacher wanted me to do it one way , whereas my father wanted me to do it another . For example , Mrs . Henry wanted me to use one line for each set of numbers . My father , who thought that was a waste of paper , insisted I should put two sets of numbers within each line . Then my mother would say something , and they would start to argue , while I sat at the kitchen table in tears . No wonder I wasn 't getting good grades in arithmetic . Someone on the car radio sang " I was with you when you didn 't have a dime . " " What about her ? " He aimed the car down Hollywood Boulevard . There was a small golf course on Johnson Street where we could always get on without any waiting . My father , who loved the game and played every Sunday , had some clubs cut down to my size . I played a few times but I wasn 't very good at it . Still , it was something to do , something better than homework , and my father liked it if I came along . Sometimes he would find another person to play with and then I would just walk along and every once in a while hit a ball off the tee and then my father would pick it up . For me , putting was the best part of the game . I was good at putting . I always spent the first fifteen or twenty minutes warming up on the putting green . The putting green seemed just right for players my size . " Someone will drive her home , " he said . She always gets home , doesn 't she ? " There was something in his voice that I hadn 't heard before , but I didn 't have the vocabulary then to describe it . It wasn 't right that he had come to pick me up , was it ? And it wasn 't right that he had left Mom without a ride . On the radio a black woman was singing " I hate to see that evening sun go down . " " I guess , " I said . I wasn 't quite certain that I wanted to play golf , but there I was stuck with the situation . " You don 't have to work today ? " " I got out early , " he said . Sometimes in summer the store downtown would close early on Wednesdays , but that was only in July and August . Besides , it wasn 't Wednesday . It was Friday , and my father always had to work until nine o ' clock on Friday nights . Both my mom and dad also had to work all day Saturday , too , and I had to go over to Grandma 's house . I tell you , the weekends went by kind of quick . Sunday was the only day all three of us were ever together , and by Sunday I mean the afternoons , because in the mornings my father always got up to play golf , while Mom and I went to the Little Flower church . I don 't know why we went to church . I guess it was something to do . I didn 't know anything about God . " Marciano 's fighting tonight , " I reminded him . I was looking forward to sitting with him on the big bed in my parent 's room , listening to the fight on radio . It was just something we did together . " I know . " We stood in the parking lot of the Sterling Golf Course , and I waited for my father to take off his suit jacket , fold it carefully and place it in the trunk . Then he undid his tie . Then he pulled out a bright green knitted vest which he pulled over his shirt . Then he put on his golf shoes . I didn 't have golf shoes . I played in my sneakers . But that was okay . I didn 't use the right golf grip either . My father kept trying to teach me , but I didn 't like linking my pinky fingers together and so I used my baseball grip , which would sometimes send my father off into a fury . He was not an easy man to learn things from . Then out came the golf clubs . His bag and then my four clubs which I just carried . A driver , two irons , and a putter . It was enough . My father had promised me a golf bag , but he never got around to getting me one . " Are we going to listen to the fight ? " I asked . We walked into the clubhouse and signed the register . There were some men at the bar , but my father didn 't know any of them . A woman nodded in our direction , but nobody said hello . " We 'll see , " he said . If he had been my mother , he would have added , " If you finish your homework . " But if there was one thing certain in the world , it was that he was not my mother . As far as I could figure it , mothers and fathers had little in common with one another . I was amazed they could live together in the same house . We went outside and we played the putting green for a while . And then we teed off . It was a quiet day at the course , not crowded at all . For which I breathed a sigh of relief . I hated to play when there were other people right behind us . I hated especially the first tee when there would be strangers watching and then I wouldn 't drive it right and I 'd be embarrassed . My father hit first , right down the middle of the fairway , a good distance . And then I hit . It was good because it was in the air and fairly straight . And then we played . My father let me keep score because it gave me something to do , and the adding up of the numbers was supposed to help me with my arithmetic . I believe I have already told you how Mrs . Henry was big on arithmetic that year . After nine holes we went inside the clubhouse and got drinks . Salty Dogs . What they were were cokes mixed with milk . My father had an ulcer and so he drank a lot of milk . Decades later it would be revealed that milk , because of it acid , wasn 't good for ulcers . But we can live our lives with only the knowledge that we possess at the time . And then we played another nine holes . I was getting tired and so on the ninth hole , which was the water hole , I sliced three balls right into the pond . Only one of the golf balls was new . The others had cuts and nicks in them . Mulligans . I didn 't know why they were called mulligans . I still don 't know why . Is that what we call progress ? It was nearly seven o ' clock , but the sky was still filled with a stubborn light . We walked into the clubhouse and ordered supper . My father had two gin and tonics . I had a hot dog and milk . I didn 't like the hot dog and I didn 't like the milk . I didn 't think it was a nice thing to say , but I didn 't say anything . After all , he was my father , and there was nothing I could do about that . He was in a rare mood all right . There was nothing I could do after that either . My father didn 't answer . He had ordered a platter of sweet sausages and mashed potatoes , but he hadn 't touched the sausages . Maybe he thought the potatoes would be good for him . But , of course , he shouldn 't have been drinking either . Not that he couldn 't hold his liquor . One night I had seen my mother and two of her friends carrying my father home after he had bet a bartender he could drink ten straight vodkas and walk a straight line out the door . He drank the ten vodkas , walked out the door and collapsed in the parking lot . He was lucky . He could have killed himself . " Why can 't we go home ? " I asked . I could hear myself whining . " I have homework to do . " It was a Friday night . I never had done my homework on a Friday night before . " What you got so far ? " he asked , not looking at me , but looking at the television set over the bar . There was a jazz band playing . And someone else was playing a juke box . It seemed as if there were music everywhere . My father preferred jazz , especially Benny Goodman . I suppose he could have been a musician if he didn 't have a family to support , but he never said much about it , just beat time on the table with his spoon . " No , you wouldn 't , " I told him . He held out the car keys and I took them from him . " You ought to wait until we go home and I finish it . " I didn 't feel like playing another round and so I walked out to the parking lot and got the story out of my book bag . It was just a couple of wide - lined pages . I brought my homework back inside and sat down at the table . My father was still staring at the TV set . " Yes , " I said . I sat down across from him . He had ordered me another Coke . Mom would have been angry . She didn 't want me to drink so many sodas . " Don 't worry . No one 's paying attention . Everybody 's too caught up in their own lives . You could be out of work , dying on the pavement , and they 'd just step over you as if you were never there . " I didn 't say anything . I tried to hold my pages up to the light . We had been studying insects in Mrs . Henry 's class , and I had wanted to write a story about spiders , but it was difficult to think of anything to say . " Once upon a time , " I read , " there was a castle called Beekman , and inside that castle was a king called Henry . Everybody called him Henry because he was the 7th king to be named Henry . At night all the people were afraid of ghosts . All the children were being told that there are no ghosts , even when the grown - ups were afraid . " And one day the children woke up and their mother ( Jane ) came in and told them , John and Jody , that their father had died . The children looked sadly up at their mother ; they weren 't only unhappy because their father died , they were scared because their father might turn into a ghost . Then the King came in and said , ' Jane , there is going to be a war . People will die . ' " After the war , 300 , 100 people died . When the King came back , he said , ' I have good news . We won the war . ' The End . " My father rubbed his temples with his fingers . " How did you hit upon the number 300 , 100 ? " he asked . I shrugged . " I don 't know . " " I bet you get an A on it . Sounds a lot like Hamlet . " He finished and stood up . " Well , are you ready for another round ? " We went back onto the course . The sun was getting low in the sky . I gave my father my story and he folded it and placed it inside his golf - bag . This time , two old men and two old women were at the first hole . They looked so fragile ; I thought that the slightest breeze would blow them over . Florida was full of old people . Because they were slow , they said , they allowed us to play through . I didn 't like to have people watching me , so I topped my drive and it dribbled a few feet out in front of the tee . I walked out and got it and teed off again . I did the same thing again , but this time I just decided to play it . I had the feeling the people were laughing at me . My father hit a beauty of a drive , nearly 200 yards , right down the left side of the fairway . After I took a 9 on the fourth tee , a short one , I decided to walk and to watch my father play . I thought my not playing would speed things up and we would get home in time for the Marciano fight , but my plan backfired . My father decided he wanted to practice his backspin and so he started to play a second ball . It didn 't matter , because the foursome of old people were still stuck somewhere between the second and third hole . Slow was not the name of their game . " Forget the Marciano fight . " He said . He ordered me a Coke a beer for himself . " There 's more to life than listening to two men beat their brains out . Besides we can sit here and listen to it , if you want . " " No . I don 't have to work tomorrow , " my father said emphatically . He slammed his mug of beer onto the table . " And I don 't have work the next day either . Or the day after that . I don 't have to go to work again . We can live out here and play golf . I stared at him , but I couldn 't figure out if he was telling the truth or not . He was my father . Why would he lie to me ? He ordered another beer . My heart beat loudly in my chest . I had my own medical problems . The doctor said I didn 't have a regular heartbeat . I thought he had told my mother that I wouldn 't have long to live , but maybe I was only imagining that . I guess so , because it turned out that I would live a lot longer than anyone thought . " We going home ? " " No . I quit . I didn 't like it there anymore . I 've got better things to do with my life than try to sell clothes to people who don 't know anything about a good cut of cloth . " We took out some mulligans , golf balls he didn 't care about losing . " Besides I can make more money at the dog track . I 've got a system , you know . " He hit the first ball off into the darkness . I didn 't play along . I merely took the handle of the golf cart and pulled it along , pretending to be his caddie . We were the only ones on the course now . Except for five geese that had wandered over . It took a while to find the golf ball , but we found it . My father had a sense of where he hit it . Actually , it wasn 't as dark on the course as I thought it would be . " You carry everything in your golf bag , " I told him . I didn 't get the sweater and he didn 't take it out for me . What he did take out was a flashlight . " You can hold this while I putt . " After he sank his putt , a 10 footer or so , I fished the ball out of the hole . The ball felt warm to my touch . " Why did you quit your job ? " " All kind of things . It 's something you won 't know about until you get to be my age . " We stopped by the large white plastic balls that marked off the men 's tee , and then a little farther on the woman 's tee . When I first started to play golf , I had used the women 's tee , but after a while I thought it was too embarrassing . That was the main trouble with golf - it was the most embarrassing game in the world . When I played baseball , even when I struck out with runners on base , I didn 't feel nearly as stupid as I did when I missed a golf ball . There was , after all , in baseball a pitcher who was trying to get you out . My father didn 't tee off right away . He placed his ball upon a tee and then sat down to stare at it . He and I just sat on the wooden bench and inhaled the smells . There was something about the grass smells , the dirt smells , mixing with the warm summer air , that made me feel as if I were on another planet . I sat next to my father and felt embarrassed for him . Mostly I was frightened . If he didn 't have a job , what was going to happen to us ? Could we afford to do anything ? Weren 't we poor enough already ? Hadn 't Mrs . Henry given me the class Christmas tree to take home , perhaps thinking we couldn 't afford our own tree . I hated that feeling , that we were so poor that we couldn 't afford what my friends had . I mean it was pretty obvious to me that most of my friends had more money than we had . We sat there for about twenty minutes not saying anything , not doing anything . The only thing I could think to do was to wash the golf - balls over and over and so I got up and did that . When I went into the golf - bag , I also took out the yellow sweater that was folded in there . Of course , it was much too long for me , but there was no one around to see . Whoever invented the golf - ball washing machine must have been a real genius . You just lifted up this piece of wood , placed a golf - ball in a hole at the center , and then plunged it up and down several times in soapy water . Two brown soft wire brushes scraped the ball clean . There was a small white towel hanging by the post to dry the ball with . After I cleaned about a dozen balls , I placed them one by one into the golf - bag and sat back down . " So ? Who gives a shit . " He stood up and approached the tee . I was surprised by his language . My father very rarely swore , at least when I or my two sisters were around . " " I was looking forward to a lot of things too , " he said . " A lot of things . The best thing in life is not to get your heart too set on things . " I watched as he hit one far and true . At least it sounded far and true . Who could tell in the darkness ? If it wasn 't down the fairway , there would be no chance of us finding it . I turned the flashlight on and kept the light in front of him as we walked . He was playing his own private game , and I was being left out . Behind us , the lights of the clubhouse were gone . Just a few outside floodlights were on . The manager and cook and bartender had gone home . They were probably warm and cozy , listening to the prize fight . Everybody else had something to do . My father , after much looking around , found the ball , hit , lost it , hit another one , lost it . When we approached the green , the sprinklers had been turned on . My father gave up trying to putt through the water . He said , " I was just standing at the counter with a twenty - dollar bill in my hand when Judy came by , grabbed the money out of my hand to take it to the cash register . I mean that was it . I mean she couldn 't wait two minutes for me to ring up the sale . I mean she 's in such a rush to make five bucks . That 's when I had it . I couldn 't stand it any longer . I 've had it up to here and I told them what they could do with their job and I walked out . " He played the next hole , much the same way . I figured that the sprinklers were on timers or that someone would have to come back to turn them off . Under the water nothing felt warm . After getting into his street shoes and putting our clubs away , he turned on the Buick 's engine so we could hear the final rounds of the Marciano fight . We were the only car left in the lot , and I wondered what my father would say if the police drove by to investigate . Perhaps they would get into a fight . The Brockton Bomber was whaling the daylights out of Ezzard Charles . Or at least it sounded that way to me . " Stop being a worry wart , " he said . He lit a cigarette , crumpled up the empty pack and tossed it into the lot . He was the one we all thought was the worry wart . He leaned across me , opened the glove compartment and found another cigarette pack . Smoking certainly wouldn 't help his ulcers . " Stop playing with that thing , will you ? It isn 't a toy . " He was referring to the flashlight that I still had with me . I had forgotten to put it back in the golf - bag where it belonged . What kind of man keeps a flashlight inside his golf - bag ? " I don 't know . Let 's just listen to the fight , " he said . " What difference does it make if she knows or not ? She 's going to find out soon enough , isn 't she ? " Not talking to one another , we sat elbow to elbow , listening to the fight until the very end . My father lit one cigarette after another . Finally , Marciano was declared the winner , and , because there was nothing more to do , I guess , my father quickly backed the car out of the lot and on to the street . There was hardly any traffic . Nobody had any reason to go anywhere . Everybody was home listening to the fight . Jesus , I thought . Now what ? Was the liquor taking effect ? I tried to keep my eyes on the road , in case there was a traffic problem . " Why did he do that ? " I asked . Perhaps if I kept him talking he would stay awake . He had never told me about that part of his life before . Whenever he talked about his father , my father would never fail to mention how strict he had been , how he would hit my father with anything that was at hand . Even an ax handle . I don 't think my father loved his father very much , but I didn 't know enough then to ask that question . I just took it for granted that children loved their parents because that 's what you had to do . My feelings about my father were getting confused . Suppose he hadn 't called my mother . She would be frantic . " I had scraped my knee on a ladder in my father 's barn , " my father said after thinking for a while . We seemed to be stopped at a traffic light forever . " And the cut had become infected . That 's why I keep telling you to keep your cuts and bruises covered . But my father had joined this church that didn 't believe in doctors . They believed God healed everything , and so I was left in bed without any medical attention . Finally , when my fever hit 103 , my mother insisted on calling a doctor . Before the doctor arrived , my father and his friends carried me off to the hills . I remember them setting me down in the middle of the ground and hundreds of people in white gowns standing around me , singing and praying . Finally , the sheriff found me . Mother had taken out papers against the church , and the sheriff told my father that if I died , he and all the members of the church would be charged with kidnapping and murder , and so I was finally brought back to town and taken to a hospital . I nearly lost my leg , though . I never forgave him for that , " he said . Abruptly he took his eyes off the road and looked me square in the face . He looked very frightened . " See , kid , you 're not the only one who 's got stories . I 've got stories that will turn your hair white . Let 's go home , " he said , freeing one hand from the steering wheel and touching me lightly on top of my head , while I turned the flashlight on and off , and on , as if I were signaling for help from a sinking ship .

Jack stood high on his one thin , wooden leg and stared at the horizon . He had stood in this same spot since early spring , and his button eyes never blinked , and so by this point he had become intimately familiar with his personal patch of sky and with the acres of fields that stretched out in every direction , all of it gone to seed . He didn 't know what sorts of seeds - he knew very little about plants at all except those that were useful in building - but even he could tell that the field looked sad , forgotten and untended . Just like him . He had been so very tired when they came to him and said that they were sorry but they couldn 't just let him go , not with all that he knew and the enemy still out there somewhere - both the betrayer and the one who directed her . . . . And of course he had understood . He didn 't want them to let him go . What he wanted , he told them , was to live out the rest of his days somewhere quiet , away from people and the temptation to speak , where he might watch the sky . " Well , " he said , but he didn 't know what else to say after that , so he fell silent . Well . He longed to just stand there , as ( he felt ) he always had , but something about being so near the ground made him uneasy , and in the end he began tottering , and then eventually walking , in the direction the wind wanted him to go . He walked until it was too dark to see the ground in front of him , and then he crouched down among the roots of a tree to wait for moonrise . The closeness of the dirt frightened him , though . He could only hold out for a minute or two before he scrambled up the tree , moving by feel and much too quickly so that he kept scraping his hands and arms against the rough bark . He might have stayed there like that forever , but the wind kept tugging at him and whispering strange sounds in his ears . Finally a sudden gust managed to yank him away from the tree trunk . It startled him into opening his eyes , and as he grabbed the branch in front of him to keep from falling he saw a tiny golden light flicker in the distance . It took him a moment to remember that fire could be something other than the devourer of wood and straw , but in that time his body had already remembered and started climbing down from the tree , and the wind danced around him like a pleased child . It was slow going , scrambling over roots and rocks and fallen branches almost entirely by feel and with only a small , far - off fire to guide him . By the time he reached the clearing he 'd focused so much of his attention into his sense of touch that the sudden open space caught him unaware . The shift to flat , unobstructed footing confounded him more than the transition from land to sea or sea to land ever had ; he stumbled , loudly , and so the fire 's keeper saw him well before he saw her . Jack saw the keeper and her knife at the same moment , but he registered the knife first and froze ; his hands , which had been extended to catch him if he fell , shifted slightly upward in a remembered gesture that said , I am weaponless , don 't attack me . The knife didn 't move , nor did the hand that held it , and so Jack 's attention moved slowly away , up her arm and to her face , which flickered in the shifting light from the fire . She was dirty from travel , and she watched him so intensely that he thought she might be the first human he 'd met who could stare down a mountain lion . " I saw your fire , " Jack said , " and hoped . . . I was going to wait for moonrise to keep going , but then I saw your fire and I thought it would be good , you know . To have company . " He hoped she knew ; he hadn 't known until he said it . He paused for a moment , thinking , and then waved vaguely behind himself . " A clearing back that way , somewhere . At least , I hope it 's back that way , that I haven 't gotten turned around . . . . " Now Jack frowned . " Supplies ? " But of course he ought to have supplies : warm clothes for after dark , and a flint or matches , and food , and water , and something to sleep in . He was human again , wasn 't he ? He ought to have eaten at least once during a full day of walking . " I was a man , " he said , and remembered walking down stone corridors into stone rooms that he 'd first created as lines on paper . " An architect . And then I was a scarecrow . I don 't know what I am now - I think I 'm meant to be a man again , but . . . . " " No , thank you , " he said . " I 'm used to standing . " And I don 't seem to get tired , he thought , but decided it was better left unmentioned . Upon reflection , however , he added , " My name 's Jack . " Once again she nodded and said nothing , but that was all right . She had shared her fire with him ; his name was all he had to offer in return . Jack stood , balanced between the heat of the fire and the cold wind that had driven him to it , until long after the girl had fallen asleep . All night he watched the stars - the handful of them he could see through the tossing branches above him - while the wind seemed to blow him snatches of memory : a woman with short , bronze - colored curls and a sudden smile . A place he thought must be a banquet hall , where all the guests were bears . Other places , other rooms , where he sat working late into the night . Even the girl who had allowed him to share her fire , though that couldn 't be right because he saw her in a rich dress , standing next to some sort of wall hanging , and he was certain he 'd never met her before . Jack was surprised at how quickly they broke camp in the morning . He of course had nothing to eat or to pack , but he hadn 't quite expected the single - minded efficiency with which his companion did everything , from packing her things to chewing her food . Before he knew it she 'd finished , and their eyes met , and he saw her hesitate for the first time all morning . She frowned slightly . " I 'm looking for a friend of mine , " she said slowly . " I 'm not sure who you are or where you 're from , but I don 't like the idea of leaving you alone in the middle of the woods . No offense , but I get the impression you could use some looking after . If you 'd care to travel with me for a while . . . ? " Her laughter surprised him even more than her efficiency had ; nothing about her bearing , or the way she 'd held a knife the previous night , had prepared him for that sudden burst of joyful sound . " Be in the way ? You walk all day without needing to stop for food or water , you don 't get cold , and unless I 'm very much mistaken you don 't need to sleep . How could you possibly get in the way ? " Her skin was warm against his , and soft and tough at the same time , and he felt it again - that flash of recognition . He saw her in heavy red velvet , with torches set into rough stone behind her . She frowned a question at him ; he 'd held her hand too long , and now he dropped it abruptly and forced what he hoped was a polite smile . " Which way ? " " North , " Greta said , fishing in one of her pockets . Her hand reappeared wrapped around a small metal object : a compass , he saw , as she flipped it open and waited for the needle to settle . The lid looked like it had either been engraved or badly scratched , but he couldn 't tell which , and before he could make up his mind or get a closer look she flipped it shut and it disappeared back into the same pocket . " This way , " she said , nodding to her right , and they set out . " My memory 's kind of . . . fuzzy , " he said slowly . " But I remember houses , and town halls , and churches . . . . " He stopped short at a sudden image of white stone reaching toward the sky , and so many bears working . " The castle , " he breathed without thinking . " Yes , " he said , and of this he was certain . " I was very good . My buildings are . . . lucky . No thieves , no mice , no storms , no fires . . . . " The words had come to him ; he knew their truth only when he heard himself say them . He felt her eyes on him , intensely curious , and he mumbled quickly , " Not magic or anything , just lucky . " Lucky enough that the bears had come to him when tragedy struck . But she kept staring at him , excited , and then she surprised him by asking , " Were you the one who built . . . . " She frowned . " It wasn 't a castle , exactly , and parts were built into a mountain , but - " Her voice seemed almost to catch on the words . They didn 't speak again until much later , when Greta stopped suddenly . " It 's noon , " she said . " We should rest for a bit , and eat . " Jack nodded , though he didn 't particularly feel the need to do either . He started , surprised by the question , and began to shake his head , but even as he did an image came to mind , and he heard his voice as if it came from far away : " Once there was a girl who had been trapped in an evil witch 's house . It was close and dark and full of candles and mirrors and secret passages , and she was always afraid . But then one day she escaped . " " At first she just ran and ran , to get as far away as she could , but no one was chasing her , and then she looked up at the sky . Off in the distance she could see a bank of clouds , but they weren 't like any clouds she 'd seen before : they made her think of the colors in a pool of oil , or images she 'd seen of the Northern Lights , except that they were clearly clouds and not anything else . They felt wrong , but at the same time they were very beautiful , and she couldn 't make up her mind whether she wanted a closer look . " What decided her was the wind : she stared at those clouds until the wind turned to blow into her face , and she smelled salt . Now , this girl had grown up by the sea . She would recognize that smell anywhere - that smell meant home - and after being trapped and scared for so long , home was irresistible . Her feet started walking before she realized she 'd decided anything , and even though she got hungry and thirsty and tired , she kept walking until the whole sky above her was full of swirling , glowing clouds of all different colors and the ground beneath her turned to pure white sand . " At last she came to the sea . The waves seemed sluggish and glinted dully , like liquid pewter . She felt heavy and slow , and a little bit queasy whenever she looked too long at the sea or the sky . The air still smelled clean and salty , though , so she stayed , and crouched down from time to time to run her fingers through the soft , soft sand , and tried to think what to do . " Finally she saw another person . He wasn 't actually very far away , but he was dressed like a knight , and the metal plates of his armor reflected the shifting colors beyond and above him so that he seemed to disappear . Even walking toward him she had to pay close attention to make sure she didn 't drift too far one way or the other . " She thought at first that he had sensed her approaching and started to speak , but the longer she listened the less sure she was . ' Always I see them on the horizon , ' he said , ' but they never sail closer . At first I wanted them to stay away , but I have found Him , now , and the waiting grows weary . Yes , I can see them , on their little ships so far away , crawling like ants over the wooden boards . And I can see beyond them , to my city . Its towers glitter in the sun and the flags and pennants dance like warhorses who know the battle is coming . I will return , carrying God within me , and my people will rejoice , for with Him we will conquer any enemy . . . ' " The longer he talked the more fearful she grew , until finally she took a step backward and started to turn away . But she froze when he said suddenly , ' Wait ! Please . . . ? ' And then the knight turned , and the girl stared in horror because his eyes were like holes that had been filled in with twin pools of whatever it was that churned in the sky . ' When will they come for me ? ' he asked her , his voice pleading . ' I have waited so long - I have found God - when will they come for me ? I am ready to return home - ' Jack blinked , and the images of the story faded to be replaced by the forest ; Greta 's hands , empty of food now ; Greta 's frown . " I don 't remember , " he said slowly . " It 's been a long time , since . . . " A new image appeared before him , one of the woman with curly hair . Her hands darted like birds as she spoke , and her eyes glittered with the story she told . He started to say a name , but he couldn 't remember . All he could do was say again , " It 's been a long time . " He could feel Greta 's eyes on him , but he couldn 't bring himself to turn and meet her gaze . At last she said , " I heard a storyteller perform once , before . . . but it 's been a very long time for me , too . You remind me of her a little , though . " She paused , and then added casually , " I 'd be curious to hear the rest , if you remember it , " before rising to her feet . " We should get moving again . " And he kept seeing the strange knight 's face hovering before his own , terrible and sad . He knew that if the knight returned home there would be war and bloodshed and that whatever madness had seeped into his soul was not God . But even when he had been telling Greta the story he had heard a woman 's voice behind his , and it was the heartbreak in her voice that told him that the knight was lost and that he should pity the poor man who must never return home . Something made him reach out a hand . " May I ? " he asked , and after a second 's hesitation she handed it to him . It took him a moment to decipher the markings , but then he read : A - In case you lose North , and something he decided was meant to be a heart , and then G . She nodded . " It was a joke , " she said . " It took me forever to find my way around , and he couldn 't figure out why . Finally he realized that I couldn 't just tell which direction was North and know from that where I was , so then I showed him my compass . It fascinated him so much that I ended up finding something to carve that with and giving it to him . And then he - and the compass and I got left behind . " They were both quiet the rest of the day . Even setting up camp and building a fire they barely spoke except to say " Goodnight " when Greta crawled into her sleeping roll . Jack sat , his back against the largest log they 'd found , and closed his eyes - not to sleep , but to remember . Immediately he pictured the woman again . A different memory this time , if it was even memory - he couldn 't be sure . But he saw her standing at the top of a hill , bronze curls dancing in the wind and a worn maroon shawl wrapped tightly about her body . She 's too thin , he thought , her shoulder blades shouldn 't stick out like that - but then she turned and for a moment he couldn 't even think around the joy of seeing her again after so long . Only for a moment , though . Then he noticed the faint creases lining her forehead and the dark circles under her sky - blue eyes . Fear struck him as suddenly as happiness had , and he knew that he should know why she was so thin and tired and sad , but he couldn 't remember . He tried to step backward , but his legs refused to move , and he knew all at once that they 'd been turned to stone , and it wouldn 't be long before he was stone all over . He turned back around , but the woman had disappeared , and he woke with a question , half - formed but unasked , melting away to nothing on his tongue . Only one small sweetness remained , but it made the dream and the question bearable : Nancy , he breathed when he first opened his mouth , and smiled a small , quiet smile to himself . Nancy . He remembered her name . Greta cried softly in her sleep , and Jack moved automatically to comfort her . His body was too stiff , though , from having sat on the ground all night , and the rustle of leaves as he fell sideways was enough to wake Greta . Her eyes snapped open ; Jack thought they glittered strangely , and he heard her breathe in quick , shallow gasps , but she blinked rapidly and her breathing slowed and by the time he righted himself he couldn 't be sure quite what he 'd seen or heard . " Strange dreams , " she said , frowning absently . " I saw him . . . he was sleeping , and I tried to wake him up , because if I could wake him up then everything would be all right . But he wouldn 't wake and he wouldn 't wake and the wax had turned red and kept growing , like a wound , but he wouldn 't wake up . . . . " " Who wouldn 't ? " Jack murmured , but already he was thinking of a young man with some strange , waxy substance that poisoned anyone it touched growing across his chest - a young man he had first met as a bear . . . . The wind was playing with Greta 's hair . She tucked a strand of it behind her ear , but the wind tugged it out and tossed it in her face again almost immediately . " Who couldn 't you wake ? " Jack asked . Greta opened her mouth , but no sound came out . At first Jack thought she simply couldn 't decide how to answer , but then anger swept over her features like a sudden storm and she muttered a string of curses too quiet for him to follow . Finally she spat out . " My friend . The one I 'm looking for . But it was just a stupid dream , because I will find him and I will make things right . " More quietly - quietly enough that he shouldn 't have been able to hear her , except that the wind carried her voice to him - she added , " Even if he doesn 't forgive me , I can at least make things right . " What was it ? He felt like he was grasping at dust motes and dandelion seeds that he couldn 't even see . " You can 't tell me ? " he asked , " Or you won 't tell me ? " Jack frowned , ran a hand through his hair ( and felt a sudden shock of memory at the gesture ; it seemed his old habits were coming back to him along with his memories ) , and sighed . Frowned more , and took a long , slow breath . There . He knew that smell . It was the north , and stone dust , and berries and hazelnuts and the occasional raw fish with baklava for dessert , carried to him by the same wind that had carried him Greta 's words , had led him to her in the first place , had forced him out of the scarecrow . . . had brought him Nancy . . . had brought Greta her friend ? He had heard rumors , when he was working for the bears , that their prince had fallen in love with a human girl , and that she had been the one to betray him . The prince , the young man who should have been a bear , was the reason why the castle must never fail , the reason why Jack must never speak . Who knew what the girl might do next , or who might be helping her ? And with Bernadette , next in line for the princedom , itching to take over and lacking only the proof that Auberon was human or dead to make herself prince instead of regent . . . . He heard Nancy 's voice again : " She has no idea , and if he keeps on like this , I 'm afraid - " And he remembered all the times later that Nancy would frown at something the bears said and whisper to him , " I can 't believe it . I refuse . I saw the way they acted around each other , and I swear she loved him back . " Saw Greta in a red dress , in a hall full of bears , a hall he had not designed but had visited , once , with Nancy . . . . " Are you all right ? " Jack started , and saw Greta looking at him expectantly ; the fire was out and all her things were packed . " Where did you go just now ? " she asked . They walked all day , and all day Jack watched Greta . Here was , he thought , the one the bears always referred to as " the betrayer , " and right now she was his only friend in the world . He wished he could remember more , or that Nancy were here to help him choose . . . . " I 'm not . . . . " Something was drawing him , tugging gently at his stomach , and he thought in panic , but I 'm not supposed to give away the secret ! I should make sure she goes the wrong way ! She loved him . He had to believe that she loved him . Not just because of what she said about the compass , or what he remembered Nancy saying about her , but because of how real her fear had been when she was still caught in the dream , " It 's this way , " he said , though still unsure . They arrived with the sunset ; the forest had grown thicker all day until suddenly they stepped through and the white stones shone red before them like they were burning . Greta stared up at the huge , glass - smooth structure for a moment before she murmured , " What now ? They 're not just going to let us walk in . " Jack shook his head . " It wouldn 't make a difference whether it 's guarded or not , except to me . The things I build . . . they know , somehow , who should be there and who shouldn 't , and the people who shouldn 't never find a way in . " As he spoke he walked hunched - over along the edge of the woods , studying the castle wall until he spotted what he was looking for : a hair - thin crack he couldn 't see but knew was there ; the door leading to an escape passage . He smiled slightly . " But I can . " They moved slowly , crouched as low to the ground as they could manage , and he hoped that the combination of tall grass and deepening dusk would be enough to hide them from any watchful eyes . The closer they drew to the castle walls , though , the more Jack felt in his bones that something was very , very wrong here . He didn 't understand until he placed a palm beside the secret door and felt a sudden , sharp pain . " It 's . . . I 've never been shut out by one of my buildings before . And I 've never felt one so . . . awake , and lively . " He held out his hand again and thought , it 's me . Don 't you recognize me ? I built you , I 'm a friend , please let us in , we mean no harm . . . . The rumbling felt louder , and Jack had just enough time to see Greta 's eyes widen and to wonder if she felt it too before he heard , liars , too , trying to convince us they made us ! We made ourself , with help from the bears . We directed our own creation - we remember it - and we will not be fooled into betraying our friends who helped us to grow so tall and strong ! " Jack ! " she interrupted . " Please . I don 't know if he 's all right , or if I have time to . . . . Just please , whatever you have to do , if you can get me in there I 'll do whatever else needs doing . " Jack pressed both his palms flat against the wall and tried to summon the same rumbling voice within himself . You do know me , he thought to the stones . You do remember . You just need a reminder . Poke around all you like until you find what you need , but once you do you 'd better start behaving yourself ! Yes , we are , but we 're only helping to keep him safe until she comes . We 've kept him safe and we 've found her , and now we need to let her in so she can do her part . Our job is done ; we can sleep now . " Go , " Jack croaked . His voice felt like sharp rocks and stone dust , and Greta hesitated , but only for a moment - " Go ! " Jack shouted , and she was off into the passage faster than a hare running from the dogs . Jack waited several heartbeats before he tried gingerly to pull his hands from the wall . He had expected them to be stuck , but they came away easily . His palms were raw , though , and covered in blood , and he watched as his two bloody hand - prints sank into the stone and disappeared . He didn 't want to think about what that meant . The first wave hit Jack when he was about halfway down the passage and could no longer hear Greta 's footsteps ahead of him : groping his way gingerly in the dark , between one step and the next , he suddenly felt the full weight of his body ; his stomach churned with hunger ; he remembered designing this passage and walking through it after it was built , checking it for the last time . And he remembered when his hands were smaller and chubbier and he could just barely grip the wooden blocks that he placed one on another to build castles and houses and towers almost as tall as he was . He remembered the smell of Nancy 's hair , and the way it felt to kiss her , and the mixture of love and fear and pride that filled her eyes and her voice when she looked at his plans for a castle - this castle - and said it was the most beautiful thing he 'd ever designed . All at once , all between one step and the next . He stumbled a few steps , but by the time the next wave hit him his feet were steady under him again , and it hit him just as hard but he recovered faster . Another few steps , another wave of memory , and he didn 't stumble at all , even though his body and mind raced to keep up with all the parts of him that were suddenly no longer missing . Another wave , mostly memories of Nancy , but it only slowed him for a second and then he said , " Because she loves him . Because maybe she can do what you can 't . Besides , I don 't think this castle is quite the same anymore ; I think it 's just a stone building like any other , now , so you 'd better let her do what she can before Bernadette finds you . " The bears started muttering and huffing among themselves , and Jack heard Bernadette 's name and his own more than once , but behind them he could see Greta slipping away toward the hallway . Jack 's heart jumped into his throat , and he let himself fall to the ground . More of the bears came toward him , curious or concerned , and that was good - it gave Greta a head start . More importantly , though , it put his palms against the floor , and this time he went straight to the castle 's heart , opening doors along the way . Greta almost missed the first door , Jack saw through the castle , and he cried out in spite of himself . He didn 't think he said anything articulate , but it was difficult to be sure , and anyway it hardly mattered : the bears had already realized she 'd gone . Greta stopped , though , and doubled back , and Jack did his best to close doors behind her . But of course , the bears knew exactly where they were going and she didn 't . They caught up to her at last just as she ran into the last room . Greta saw the young man on the bed and stopped short ; she tried to say something , but the words caught in her throat . What little sound she made seemed to wake the young man on the bed , though , and as he stirred , the bears hung back as if to wait and see what he would do . The young man clacked his jaw and swatted at her ; Greta flinched , but after a second she moved her hand closer again . This time the young man bellowed - an angry , pulsing sound Jack wouldn 't have thought a human throat could produce - and threw himself at her . He might be weak , but he still weighed more than Greta , and he surprised her enough to knock them both to the ground . The young man screamed in pain and shoved her so hard that she fell away from him . The bears started forward , but Greta shouted , " Look , it 's coming off ! " and they paused . " You have to let me finish , " she added , though whether she was talking to the young man or the bears Jack could not guess ; for a few seconds the only movement was the rise and fall of Greta 's chest and of the young man 's , both of them breathing heavily . Then one bear stepped forward . " I will help you , " it said . Greta nodded warily , but the bear circled around until it could hold down the young man 's hands . It leaned down to lick his face ; the young man clacked and blew at him and struggled to get free , until another bear came and held down his feet , moaning something that might have been " Auberon . " Greta crawled back over to the young man , who glared hate at her , but she just reached around and pulled at the wax she 'd already loosened from his skin . He screamed , and Greta winced , but the bears held him still and Greta kept on pulling . The wax clung to his skin and it took a few long minutes to remove it . " Hush , you big baby , " Greta whispered fiercely at one point ; the bears looked up - startled , perhaps , though Jack didn 't know enough about bear society to tell if they 'd been surprised by human eccentricity or bear - like behavior - but Greta didn 't seem to notice . All her attention was focused on pulling at the wax and making sure it didn 't just reattach somewhere else . At long last Greta gave one final tug and fell backwards onto the floor with a thud . The young man 's scream cut off abruptly and he sagged between the two bears . The one who held his hands bent down and crooned something to him ; the other let go , and the young man rolled over , and then suddenly he too was a bear . " I can 't - " Greta gestured to her throat ; one of the other bears , the first one to help her , leaned over and breathed on her neck . " Oh . . . " she said , eyes wide . " Auberon , I - " She frowned and sat up straighter . " Master Builder ? " Someone was speaking to Jack - to his body - and he lost his hold on the castle . " Master Builder ? " the bear repeated , but it was difficult to hear over the sudden pounding in his ears , and his vision was strangely blurry , and he thought he heard someone ask if he was all right before he fell into endless nothing . A sudden movement by the wall caught his attention ; Greta rose to her feet and put a book down on her chair . " You 're awake , " she said , smiling . " I was starting to worry . " " We 're working on it . " Greta pointed to a massive wooden wardrobe in one corner of the room . " There should be plenty of warm clothes in there . " " That , plus a lot of magic and politics nobody had explained to me before . I knew Auberon could become human , but nobody told me I needed to watch out for rival magicians masquerading as servants offering candles . Or that promising not to speak of something could be magically binding . " Jack 's hand went automatically to his favorite shirt , favorite trousers . Arms full , he turned around again - and saw Greta frowning slightly in his direction . " What is it ? " he asked . Greta blinked back a sudden brightness in her eyes and said , " You 're welcome to stay here , of course , or to come with us , but Auberon needs to get back , deal with - what was her name ? Bernadette . " Jack put the clothes down on the bed . " We can stay another day or two , maybe , but he 's already been gone so long . . . . " " Thank you . I 'll go tell him and give you some privacy . You have the run of the castle , of course , and the grounds outside . " Jack nodded again . " Thank you . " He waited until the door clicked shut behind her and then started to change , dumping his traveling clothes piece by piece in a pile on the cold stone floor . Jack sat on a tree stump on the hill where he last remembered seeing Nancy . He 'd thought she might be here , that he 'd find her gravestone at least , but he 'd looked everywhere it might be . He 'd even tried to talk to the castle again , but it was . . . sleeping . So he sat , staring at the sky and seeing her eyes , wondering how the hole in his heart wasn 't killing him . " She 's not here , " said a bear 's voice , and Jack turned , startled , to see Auberon and Greta . It was only the second time he 'd ever seen the bear prince in person , and Jack realized with surprise that Auberon was actually smaller than many of the other bears . There was something noble about him , though , and Jack bowed his head ; Auberon lowered his own briefly in response , and continued , " Your wife didn 't die here , Jack . She left . " Auberon bobbed his head . " Neither do I . But my advisors do ; they say she grew sickly and left , to regain her health , but that you were so busy you seemed barely to notice . " Jack 's whole body felt suddenly weightless , more like a bird than a man or even a scarecrow , though he hung his head and ran a hand absently through his hair . Of course , he thought . Castles don 't have wives . But if she 's still alive , somewhere . . . . Jack took a shaky breath and stood . " I was glad to help . Am glad to help . And I hope I can visit both of you , someday , but right now I think I need to go pack . " Jack nodded . " I need to find Nancy . I owe her an apology , and if she 'll tell me , I 'd like to know how that story ends . I 'm sure the knight doesn 't make it home , but I think the little girl might , and if she does . . . well , I 'd like to hear it from her . " " Nothing , " Jack answered , forcing himself to focus on this , his last responsibility . " It 's its own person , if that makes any sense , and it 's calmer now . Though it would probably be nice for it if someone lived in it , and nicer still if the someone were you . It was built to take care of you , after all , and I always feel like buildings get as sad as anyone else about being abandoned or losing their purposes . " © Copyright 2012 Emily GilmanRead Comments on this Story ( 1 Comment ) ShareThis with FriendsUp until third grade , Emily Gilman wanted to be a paleontologist . During a reflective period that year , she decided that she liked being able to spell " paleontologist " more than she liked the idea of actually being one , and she decided to be a writer instead . Since then she has attended the Alpha SF / F / H Workshop for Young Writers ( twice ) , her story " Stay With Me " has received an honorable mention in the 2008 Dell Award , and she 's had stories published in Fantasy Magazine and Strange Horizons . Visit her online at emilygilman . dreamwidth . org . If you liked this story , you may also like : " Child of Sunlight , Woman of Blood " by Tina Connolly " The Summer King " by Megan ArkenbergReturn to Issue # 87Comments & Scrivenings1 Comment on " The Castle That Jack Built " Doubt | Emily Gilman says : January 3 , 2015 at 2 : 29 pm [ … ] I first wrote in college . Sure , I made all of the important revisions for " Lily " and " The Castle That Jack Built " during or just after grad school , but I 'd had the basic material for both while I was still [ … ]

A Little Boy Asked His Teacher A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom , so she said yes . When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands . When he got back to class his teacher asked , ' What do you have in your hand . ' The boy said , ' A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he 'll get scared away . ' So the little boy said , ' A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he 'll get scared away . ' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said , ' What do you have in your hand . ' So again the little boy said , ' A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away . ' Little Girl A little girl is sitting on her grandpa 's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face . She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles . Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled . Finally the little girl asks , " Grandpa , did God make you ? " " He sure did honey , a long time ago , " replies her grandpa . " Well , did God make me ? " asks the little girl . " Yes , He did , and that wasn 't too long ago , " answers her grandpa . " Boy , " says the little girl , " He 's sure doing a lot better job these days isn 't He ? " Job At The Zoo A father of six children had been out of work for six months . In desperation , he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo . The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job , but was told that he would need to come in for an interview . The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo 's main attraction was . Without hesitation the man replied , ' Everyone knows that . It 's the big ape ! ' ' Well , ' said the zoo owner , ' this is the part you cannot divulge , because we would lose our business . The big ape died , and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape - - at least until the new ape arrives in three months . ' ' That 's me ! ' said the man . ' I can do that ! I was a gymnast in high school and college . ' The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape . The man assumed crouched position and began running , jumping , and swinging around the room , imitating the actions and sounds of an ape . ' Wow ! You 're really good ! ' said the owner , and immediately gave the man the job . The next day the man , dressed as the ape , went into the cage and was an instant hit . Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him . The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by , and the front page of the paper proclaimed , ' The ape has gone ape ! ' About two months before the new ape was to arrive , the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage , and he was waxing eloquent . He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere , when all of a sudden , at the top of a swing , his rope broke and threw him into the lion 's cage . He rolled a few times , coming to rest against the bars , and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts , who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw . He knew right way that he was in trouble , so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation . No one moved . As he looked again , the lion began to move slowly and stalk him . The lion then growled , curled his upper lip over his teeth , and assumed a position to leap . Just at this moment , the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo . He looked up and started screaming , ' Help ! Help ! I 'm not really an ape , I 'm a man . Get me out of here ! ' The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper , ' Hush up , you fool ! You 'll get us both fired ! ' The man says , " Sorry , officer , I can 't do that . I am an asthmatic . If I do that , I 'll have a really bad asthma attack . " " I 'm sorry , officer , I can 't do that either . I am also a diabetic . If I do that , I 'll get really low blood sugar . " Investment Counselor An investment counselor decided to go out on her own . She was shrewd and diligent , so business kept coming in , and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in - house counsel . She began to interview young lawyers . " As I 'm sure you can understand , " she started off with one of the first applicants , " in a business like this , our personal integrity must be beyond question . " She leaned forward . " Mr . Peterson , are you an honest lawyer ? " " Honest ? " replied the job prospect . " Let me tell you something about honest . Why , I 'm so honest that my father lent me $ 15 , 000 for my education , and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case . " " Impressive . And what sort of case was that ? " The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted , " He sued me for the money . " Posted by A Woman Goes Into Wal - Mart A woman goes into Wal - Mart to buy a rod and reel . She doesn 't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register . There is a Wal - Mart " associate " standing there with dark shades on . She says , " Excuse me sir . . . can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ? " He says , " Ma ' am I 'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes . " She didn 't believe him , but dropped it on the counter anyway . He said , " That 's a 6 ' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb . test line . . . It 's a good all around rod and reel and it 's $ 20 . 00 " . She says , " Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter . I think it 's what I 'm looking for so I 'll take it . " He walks behind the counter to the register , and in the meantime the woman farts . At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her . . being blind he wouldn 't know that she was the only person around . He rings up the sale and says , " That will be $ 25 . 50 . " She says , " But didn 't you say it was $ 20 . 00 ? " He says , " Yes ma ' am , the rod and reel is $ 20 . 00 , the duck call is $ 3 . 00 , and the stink bait is $ 2 . 50 . " Will You Marry Me ? There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park . He was a widower and she a widow . They had known one another for a number of years . Now , one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center . These two were at the same table , across from one another . As the meal went on , he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her , " Will you marry me ? " He couldn 't remember . Try as he would , he just could not recall . Not even a faint memory . With trepidation , he went to the telephone and called her . First , he explained to her that he didn 't remember as well as he used to . Then he reviewed the lovely evening past . As he gained a little more courage , he then inquired of her , " When I asked if you would marry me , did you say ' Yes ' or did you say ' No ' ? " Three Old Men Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems . The seventy - year - old said , " Have I got a problem . Every morning I get up at 7 : 30 and have to take a piss , but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ' cause my pee barely trickles out . " " Heck , that 's nothing , " said the eighty year old . " Every morning at 8 : 30 I have to take a shit , but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation . It 's terrible " . The ninety - year - old said , " You guys think you have problems ! Every morning at 7 : 30 I piss like a racehorse , and at 8 : 30 I shit like a pig . The trouble with me is , I don 't wake up till eleven . " Cat Heaven One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven . There he meets the Lord Himself . The Lord says to the cat " you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable , please let Me know " . A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven . Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer . The mice answer " All of our lives we have been chased . We have had to run from cats , dogs and even women with brooms . We are tired of running . Do you think we could have roller skates so we don 't have to run anymore ? " The cat stretches and yawns and replies " It is wonderful here . Better than I could have ever expected . And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best ! ! ! " : ) Taxi Driver There is this taxi driver in New York City , and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night . So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car . She tells him where to go and they start off . It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab . Now , the nun is getting very upset by this and says , " Um . . . can I help you ? ? ! ! " So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss . Porn stars would be envious of this kiss . And they finish up and get back on the road . Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again . Just staring at her , and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says , " Well , I 'm afraid I haven 't been completely honest with you . You see , I 'm not a catholic , and I 'm also married . " A man walks into a bar and orders three beers . He takes a drink out of one . . . sets it down . Takes a drink out of the second . . . sets it down . Takes a drink out of the third one . . . sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone . The man then leaves . On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers . This goes on for a month or two . The bartender is getting curious . The next time the man comes in , the bartender says , " I don 't mean to be nosy , but why do you drink from three beers at one time ? " The man says , " When my two brothers and I lived close , we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together . Now we are all married and have moved far away . We all agreed that wherever we are , every week , we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times . " The bartender nods and goes on . The man finishes his three beers and leaves . A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers . He takes a drink from one . . . sets it down . Takes a drink from the second beer . . . sets it down , and repeats this process until the two beers are gone . This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious . The next time the man is in the bar , the bartender inquires , " I don 't mean to be nosy , but what happened ? Did one of your brothers pass away or something ? " A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says , " Did Santa get you that ? " " Yes , " replies the little girl . " Well , " says the policeman , " tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year , " and fines her five dollars . The little girl looks up at the policeman and says , " Nice horse you 've got there , did Santa bring you that ? " The policeman chuckles and replies , " He sure did ! " " Well , " says the little girl , " next year , tell Santa the d * ck goes under the horse and not on it . " Strange People There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia . He found an apartment in a small block and settled in . After a week or two , his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life . ' I 'm fine , ' Angus said . ' But there are some really strange people living in these apartments . One woman cried all day long , another lies on her floor moaning , and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time . ' ' Well , ma laddie , ' says his mother , ' I suggest you don 't associate with people like that . ' ' Oh , ' says Angus , ' I don 't , Mam , I don 't . No , I just stay inside my apartment all day and night , playing my bagpipes . ' Posted by Twenty years later , they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before . They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook . One of the men said to the other , " This is the place ! " . She Gets Double There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country , and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort . When he got home he polished off the lamp , and out came a genie . Then the genie said " I 'll give you three wishes , but on one condition , your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish . " So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion dollars , so his mother in law ( who lived across the street ) got 2 billion dollars . For the man 's second wish he decided that he wanted to have a 200 room mansion , so his mother in law got a 400 room mansion . For the man 's last wish , he took a long time to think it out , and then he said to the genie , " I wish you choked me half to death . " We 'll be gone for a week . This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I 've been wanting . Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box . We 're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up . Oh ! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas . " The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish . He says , " Yes ! Lot 's of Walleye , some Bluegill , and a few Pike . But why didn 't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do ? " Pepsi Genie It was a black man . . . . . a hungry , thirsty bum . He was looking for food in a garbage can , when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi . He opens the can and a magic genie comes out . " OK , OK , " and without hesitation he says , " first I want to be white . Second , I want a lot of girls , naked girls , beautiful girls sitting on my face ! And third , I want plenty to drink . . . . lots of water . Suddenly , the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy . He can 't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy 's chest . About five minutes later the big guy wakes up , looks down , and sees the vomit all over him . The Big Squeeze The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $ 1000 bet . The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass , and hand the lemon to a patron . Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money . Many people had tried over time ( weight - lifters , longshoremen , etc . ) but nobody could do it . One day this scrawny little man came into the bar , wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit , and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I 'd like to try the bet " After the laughter had died down , the bartender said OK , grabbed a lemon , and squeezed away . Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man . But the crowd 's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass . A Little Boy And His Grandfather A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard . Thelittle boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole . He says , " Grandpa , I bet I can put that worm back in that hole . " The grandfatherreplies , " I 'll bet you five dollars you can 't . It 's too wiggly and limpto put back in that little hole . " The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars , grabs the hairspray , and runs into the house . Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout and hands the little boy another five dollars . The little boy says , " I have good news and bad news , " the owner replied . " The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death . When I told him it would , he bought all 15 of your paintings . " Family Bible A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination , looking at the old pages as he turned them . Then something fell out , and he picked it up and looked at it closely . It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages . " I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor . " St . Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates . The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question , blurts out , " I am a director of an HMO . " " An ' wot 's this then ? " he asked . The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher 's shins . " You dumb dog . " As he reaches down to smack the dog , he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket . The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ ground beef ] . The butcher figures this is too easy . He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that 's been sitting out all day . The dog growls at him . The butcher turns around and , glaring at the pup , gets the best mince from the fridge . Weighing out about 2 1 / 2 pounds , he drops in on the scale with his thumb . Again , the dog growls menacingly . " Alright , alright , " as he throws on a generous half pound . He wraps it out , drops it in the basket , and drops in change from a five . The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles . Another five goes in the basket . The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home . The dog quickly enters a high - rise buildings , pushes the lift button , enters the lift , and then pushes the button for the 12th floor . The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door . The door opens , and the dog 's owner screams at the dog . Two Aliens Two Aliens land in Detroit , next to a Gas station . The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around . The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump . The two Aliens approach . The first Alien looks a little puzzled , but waits for the other to waddle to the next block . He then addresses pump a third time , " Earthling take me to your leader ! " No response . One of the priests couldn 't stand it and said . " Just a minute , young lady . Yes , we are priests , and proud of it , but I have to know , how in the world did YOU know ? " Bottle Of Wine Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road . As the trip was a long and quiet one , she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride . With a silent nod of thanks , the woman got into the car . ' What in bag ? ' asked the old woman . Sally looked down at the brown bag and said , ' It 's a bottle of wine . I got it for my husband . ' A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school . He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off - the - chart 200 on his final exam . He asked the instructor to explain the grade . In the classroom the next day , Joe gave his example first , " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens . One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road ; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke . The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket . . " Next , Mary said , " We are farmers too . We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch , but when they did we only got ten chicks . The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they 're hatched . . " Next it was Barney 's turn to tell his story : " My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen . . . . Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit . She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky , a machine gun and a machete . " " Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself ; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers . She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets . Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke . And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands . " Blonde Gets Haircut A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut . When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting , she noticed that she was wearing a walkman . The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth . She asked the blonde , " Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair . " The blonde replied , " I can 't do without it , just cut around it . " The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting . A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde , " I just can 't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman . Please take it off . " The blonde replied , " I just can 't live without it , cut around it please . " The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough . The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde . Just as she did so the blonde froze , then fell out off the chair and on to the floor . The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead . All were stunned ! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde . Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse . The man replied , " My mother - in - law . My dog bit her and she died as well . " Joe thinks for a moment and says " Sure . I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl . I slammed on my brakes , grabbed a tire iron , and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader . All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do . I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone . Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them " If I ever see you guys around this town again , I 'll give you a real lesson in pain . " A Guy Goes To See The Doctor A guy goes to see the doctor , because he 's a little too well - endowed . In fact , it 's 25 inches long and he can 't get any women to have sex with him . Anyway , the doctor says there 's nothing he can do medically , but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help . The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond , deep in the forest , and talk to a frog that lives there . " Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no , you 'll be 5 inches shorter . " Worth a try , he thinks , and off he dashes into the forest . He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side , sitting on a log . " Frog , will you marry me ? " The frog looks at him , disinterested at best , and calls back , " No . " The guy looks down and sure enough , he 's 5 inches shorter . Hey , this is great he thinks - - let 's try that again . " Will you marry me ? " The frog rolls his eyes , and shouts back again , " No ! " Zappo ! - - the guy 's down to 15 inches . Well , that 's still a bit excessive , he thinks . Down another 5 would be perfect . So he calls across again , " Frog , will you marry me ? " The irritated frog yells back , " Look . . how many times do I have to tell you ? No , No , NO ! " As luck would have it , a gas station was just a block away . She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas . The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out , but she could wait until it was returned Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient , she decided not to wait and walked back to her car . She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient . Always resourceful , Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station , filled it with gasoline , and carried the full bedpan back to her car . Great Philosopher One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said , " Socrates , do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students ? " " Wait a moment , " Socrates replied . " Before you tell me I 'd like you topass a little test . It 's called the Test of Three . " " Three ? " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my student let 's take a moment to test what you 're going to say . The first test is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " Oh no , " the man said , " actually I just heard about it . " " All right , " said Socrates . " So you don 't really know if it 's true or not . Now let 's try the second test , the test of Goodness . Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good ? " " No , on the contrary . . . " " So , " Socrates interrupted , " you want to tell me something bad about him even though you 're not certain it 's true ? " The man shrugged , a little embarrassed . Socrates continued . " You may still pass though , because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ? " " Well it . . . . no , not really . . . " " Well , " concluded Socrates , " if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful , why tell it to me at all ? " The man was defeated and ashamed . This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem . It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affairwith his wife . The leader , unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage , eventually says , " Ok ! Ok ! Just one more chance - - What is 2 plus 2 ? " Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80 , 000 girls jump to their feet , wave their arms , stomp their feet and scream . . . " Give her another chance ! Give her another chance ! " Grandmother A 5 - year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day . While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture , he looked up and said , " Grandma , how come you don 't have a boyfriend ? " Grandma replied , " Honey , my TV is my boyfriend . I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long . The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good . The comedies make me laugh . I 'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend . " Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible . She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus . Frustrated , she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem . The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door . When he opened the door , there stood Grandma 's minister . The minister said , " Hello son is your grandma home ? " The little boy replied , " Yeah , she 's in the bedroom bangin ' her boyfriend . " Dents A blonde was driving home after a football game , and got caught in a really bad hailstorm . Her car was covered with dents , so the next day she took it to a repair shop . The shop owner saw that she was a blonde , so he decided to have some fun . He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard , and all the dents would pop out . So , the blonde went home , got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car 's tailpipe . Nothing happened . She blew a little harder , and still nothing happened . Her roommate , another blonde , came home and said , " What are you doing ? " The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out . Her roommate rolled her eyes and said , ... " HELLLLO " " You need to roll up the windows " Posted by A Tall Man A very tall man walks into a bar , and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player . They start to talk , and eventually , go back to his place . They start to kiss , and the man takes off his shirt . On his arm , he has a tattoo that says REEBOK . Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse . The man replied , " My mother - in - law . My dog bit her and she died as well . " A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink . Unfortunately , the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers , which he was . When he finished his drink , he found his horse had been stolen . Some of the locals shifted restlessly . He had another beer , walked outside , and his horse is back ! He saddles - up and starts to ride out of town . The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks , " Say partner , before you go . . . what happened in Texas ? " Caught Stealing A shoplifter was caught red - handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store . " Listen , " said the shoplifter , " I know you don 't want any trouble either . What do you say I just buy the watch , and we forget about this ? " The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip . The crook looked at the slip and said , " This is a little more than I intended to spend . Can you show me something less expensive ? " An older , white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side . He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend . The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $ 5 , 000 ring and showed it to him . The old man said , " I don 't think you understand , I want something very special . " At that Statement , the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over . " Here 's a stunning ring at only $ 40 , 000 , " the jeweler said . The young lady 's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement . The old man seeing this said , " We 'll take it . " The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated , by check . " I know you need to make sure my check is good , so I 'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I 'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon , " he said . Monday morning , a very teed - off jeweler phoned the old man . " There 's no money in that account . " " I know , " said the old man , " but can you imagine the weekend I had ? " Don 't mess with Old People . Posted by When the postal authorities received the letter to " God , USA , " they decided to send it to President Clinton . The president was so impressed , touched , and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5 bill . Mr . Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy . Lost It A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm - room bed after just having sex . The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests . The girl rolls t . . .

" We need to talk , " said my stepfather . I was lounging on the couch , waiting to return to Paranormal Public the next day after a short visit home to see Ricky . Now my little brother was at a friend 's house , but we had spent the weekend talking and playing and eating . Every time I came home it was harder to leave him , possibly because I knew very well that I might die fighting the Nocturns before I had a chance to see him again . I was so surprised at what my stepfather had said that at first I didn 't respond . He hadn 't said a word to me since I had come home , not one word . Ricky had given up badgering us into talking , and the silence only bothered me because I knew it bothered Ricky . Otherwise , I had expected this visit to go the way of the others . There would be several uncomfortable silences and then I would leave and return to Paranormal Public . This weekend , though , I had caught my stepfather giving me several strange looks . I had simply ignored them . We had so many problems back at Public - like where was the Globe White and why had elementals murdered my mother and what was Caid 's possible involvement with Malle - that having my stepfather act strangely didn 't concern me . " Okay , " I said , carefully closing my book and laying it on the couch next to me . I sat up and raised my eyebrows . " Where is safest ? Outside ? " he asked , motioning to the window to point out the great outdoors . My stepfather was not an attractive man . Not that I cared , but I had always wondered what my mother saw in him . He was short and balding , with a slight potbelly and wispy bits of dull - colored hair . He didn 't say much , and he spent his evenings watching TV . He worked at a lumber hauling company and we had a small house . The only good thing I could say about him was that he was dependable . In all the years they were married , I don 't think he ever missed a day of work . Mom claimed they had taken a honeymoon , but there were no pictures of it , so I didn 't really believe her . " It 's going to be difficult to talk if you can 't get a word out , " said my stepfather . " Come on . " I quickly pushed myself off the couch , which wasn 't very comfortable anyway . I liked to sink into my couches , and this one was too hard too allow much sinking . My stepdad had gotten it after my mom died , and I had taken it as a comment on what kind of man he was . My mom would have picked a better couch . It was a stormy day , with gray clouds threatening rain from early morning . I had walked Ricky to his friend 's house and told him to call me so I could walk him back . He had informed me that he was too old for that and he 'd walk himself home . My stepdad was already grabbing a jacket , even though he was never cold . I was always glad to leave the house , because he and Ricky were fine with the place freezing at a time when I wanted to be under eight quilts . I grabbed my coat and put on my boots , because there was still snow on the ground from December . Then I pulled on a knitted cap , covering the long brown hair that was so like my mother 's . When I grabbed the doorknob to go out , I had a sudden flash of when Cale had visited . We hadn 't heard from him since he had joined the Paranormal Police Academy , and I wondered how he was doing . At least he was away from his ex - girlfriend , Camilla Van Crazy . " The woods ? " he asked , pointing . I nodded . Our house was half surrounded by forest , and it had been a long time since I 'd been in any other woods than the ones around Public . We fell into step next to each other , neither of us saying a word . I wondered if my stepdad was going to ask me not to come home anymore . I was surprised he hadn 't already , given how little liking he had for my presence . We both knew it would hurt Ricky if I stopped coming , but Ricky was getting older . Soon he would be able to visit me instead of my coming to him . I wondered if I would ever come back here after that . My hands were shoved deep into my pockets , and I could see my breath billowing out in front of me . I merely nodded . So , this was it . " It was difficult with you , " he said . " I knew you weren 't mine , and you made no secret of how much you despised me . Your real father was always a presence , even if neither of us knows who he was . I blame your mother for not telling you more about him . You had all these fantasies of what a great father he would have made , a far better father than me . " He shrugged . " I am what I am . I knew I 'd never match up with the idea you had in your head . And I was bitter that in order to have your mother , I also had to be saddled with an angry teenager . " " Okay , " I said , ordering myself to calm down and not get angry . " So , you don 't want me to come back anymore ? " I couldn 't help it . The words just came tumbling out , and it wasn 't until after I had said them that I realized how hurt I 'd be by it . " No , " he said . He rubbed his hand over his bald head . " I loved your mother . I knew she didn 't love me back . I knew that . To this day I don 't know what she thought she was doing , except now I see you , and I see more than you think . There 's something very strange about you . It was the same with your mother . I would speculate , except that I couldn 't possibly believe it to be true . The only good that has come of it is that I have a better idea why your mother married me . " " I love Ricky , " he said . " You love him too . It is the one thing we have always agreed on . Our saving grace . Our common ground . I love him as if he were my own . " He took a deep breath . " And I will protect him as if he were my own . Until my dying breath . Until you figure out how to protect him , as I 'm sure you 're trying to do . I do not want any harm to come to that boy . I am his father . Regardless of his blood . I am his father . " I had never heard my stepdad sound so fierce or so sad . He laughed bitterly . " It wasn 't hard . Your mother brought much of her magic stuff with her . I never pried , but sometimes she would leave it out . Sometimes strange things would happen . I tried to ask her about it and about you . It wasn 't until recently , when you went off to college and strange things continued to happen , that I realized that Ricky - " My stepdad shook his head . " Ricky came along soon after your mother and I met . I was a little surprised at the time , but I was so happy to have your mother and Ricky that I didn 't think about it very hard . There was never a doubt in my mind that he was mine . " " I 'm sorry , " I said . " As am I , " he said . " I wish your mother had told me , but I see now why she couldn 't . " When we returned to the house my stepdad motioned for me to follow him . " I have something of your mother 's for you , " he said . " It 's a box , but I can 't open it . I thought you might have better luck . " " While we 're on the subject , " he said , " is there anything I can do to help your brother ? " I wasn 't sure what subject we were on , but I bit my lower lip . I 'd been thinking about that as we walked . I wanted to give my stepdad some way to help , but I wasn 't sure what that could be . " But you have no way to contact me , " I said thoughtfully . " If something goes wrong , you need a way to call for help . I can give you that . " " Very good , " he said . He handed me the box he had been holding , and I took it slowly . My hands slid over the smooth dark wood and my stepdad let go . I knew we were both holding our breath , wondering what would happen at my touch . Nothing . There were no sparks , no magic opening . It was merely a wooden box . There was another circle of wood in the middle , a completely separate piece , but I couldn 't get it to move or come off , even with tugging . " You can 't open it ? " I asked . He shook his head . " I remember your mother putting things in there , pieces of jewelry and some papers . I used to tease her about it , because she would hide it whenever she left the house . Why hide a box no one can get into but her ? I had to assume that it was because there was a way to open it , and now I figure that if anyone can figure out what that way is , it 's her daughter . " My throat felt tight and my eyes burned as I looked down at the box . I too remembered it . My mother loved that box like nothing else . I had known that my stepdad still had it , but I 'd been afraid to ask . Now he was handing it to me . " I don 't know why mom died , " I cried . " I still don 't know . All I know is that she was killed by friends . " " I don 't think so , " I told him honestly . If I was the only living elemental , then the elementals who killed Mom must have died since then . I hoped they had died , because if they hadn 't it would be the first time I really wanted another paranormal dead . " Words have power , " my stepdad said . " The day your mom agreed to marry me , it was with words . She sealed our fates together and made me the happiest I 've ever been . " That 's my stepdad for you , never grand , never over the top , just " the happiest I 've ever been . " " Fine , " said my stepdad . I turned to walk away , back to read my book in the living room until Ricky came home . " Charlotte ? " my stepdad called after me . I turned around to face him again , my feelings a jumbled mess . I noticed that the wood floor had the same throw rug on it that had been there when my mom was alive , but now it was worn and frayed at the edges . The floorboards were starting to separate in places and the wallpaper Mom had been so excited to hang when we moved in was peeling a bit . He hadn 't changed a thing . " Yeah ? " I asked , unsure how to interact with this man who knew my secret and who had decided to keep it , not for me but for the woman he had loved and lost . What a life . Ricky wanted to know how I was leaving . He wanted to know why I didn 't need a ride to the airport or the train station or the bus station . He informed me that if I was hiding a car somewhere and not giving him rides I was a horrible sister . " Ricky , " I said , exasperated , " for the millionth time , I don 't have a car . " I threw up my hands . We were sitting out back on a makeshift rope swing my dad had put up years ago . It was old and covered in dark spots from water and wind , but it was still sturdy . Ricky 's small hands were wrapped around the rope as I pushed him from behind . " Yeah ? " I said . I put both my hands on his back and gave him another shove , feeling the softness of his fleece jacket . He was growing up , but he still wasn 't very big . " Tell me about Mom , " he said quietly . For a moment I thought I hadn 't heard him right , that his words had caught the wind . But after a pause I knew I had . I was about to say no one when the memory of a man flashed before my eyes . He was tall and impossibly handsome , with pale skin and dark blond hair . His green eyes sparkled as he looked at my mother . My mom had been beautiful when she was young . Who was that man ? Was he a figment of my wishful imagination ? Maybe he was a friend of hers , or maybe he was one of the ones who had banded together and killed her . " Mom loved to cook and she loved to sew , but for some reason she was a great cook and a horrible seamstress . She always claimed that she didn 't have the patience for it , but I know that wasn 't it . Cooking required patience too , and everything she made was glorious . She also loved to decorate . She wouldn 't even set foot in this house until they 'd redone the downstairs , and it was a big deal , because your dad didn 't make a lot of money , so she was very careful about cost . I remember one summer when we were pregnant with you we went around and found stuff on the side of the road . All of it was either really cheap or free . " I paused . I had told Ricky that Mom was happy about him and it was the truth , but that summer , I remember very clearly , she seemed sad about something . Whenever I asked her about it , though , she told me she didn 't want to talk about it . " Do you think Carl is really my dad ? " Ricky asked . I nearly slid on the cold ground as I was about to push him again , and I had to stop to keep from falling . " Uhh , " I started to say . He looked away . " It 's okay , " he said , so softly I could barely hear him , " you don 't have to answer . " We stayed out in the cold for a long time . The tenuous balance of secrecy and childhood was fading . Ricky had questions that deserved answers , and it bothered me that I couldn 't tell him everything he wanted to know . Chief on my mind was the green - eyed man . A very small part of me wondered , just a little bit , if his real name to Ricky and me was Dad . I slept on the couch , because at this point I felt trapped in a bed , or almost anywhere else . After Carl went to bed I pretended to sleep so Ricky would go up to his room . I was leaving at first light , but before I went there was something I had to do . Mom was buried nearby . Carl had been absolutely vehement about this . Since she didn 't have any family to come claim her , he was determined that she be buried in a plot in the woods . It was small , but it was on the top of a hill called Mountain ( no , the irony is lost on no one ) and in the summer it had overflowed with flowers and the fragrance of the living . The small plot was almost overrun , and Mom loved it . We would pick blueberries up there and have walks and picnics . I hadn 't been up there since she died . I just couldn 't stand it . After talking with Carl and then Ricky , though , I now couldn 't stop thinking about her . I had spent most of the last two years trying to block any memories that came up , because whenever I thought about her I couldn 't also help thinking about the bitterness . Why hadn 't she told me more ? If I was so important to the paranormal order , and my life was in danger , why hadn 't she told me ? Why hadn 't she told me who my dad was ? Why did I have to grow up without a mother ? Why couldn 't she have been there on my wedding day ? That last bit I had snorted at , but secretly I dreamed about marrying Keller . I dreamed about that whenever I was sad or feeling low , and I pictured how happy we would be . Happy and free of Nocturns . Just happy . Now I wanted to see Mom 's grave . Now that the memories were returning I thought about how we would always go up there in the summer , and the truth was that we wouldn 't pick blueberries , I would . She would disappear for a long time . Usually when she came back she looked like she 'd been crying . I rolled off the couch and moved as quietly as I could . When I was home I didn 't wear my ring , because Ricky would have asked too many questions . But I kept it on a chain around my neck , because I didn 't want it to be out of reach if Ricky or I was attacked . He rolled his eyes . " Are you going alone ? " he asked . " You shouldn 't go alone around here . Strange things happen . I keep seeing big black dogs in the neighborhood . " His words sent chills down my spine . I knew there were hellhounds everywhere , waiting for Ricky 's protectors to slip up , and all they would need was a second 's lapse . It terrified me that they knew where Ricky was . I mean , they had for years now , but I could understand why Mom had felt better hiding us away . I was panicked all the time . " Your girlfriend sounds brilliant , " I said , enjoying Ricky 's startled face . With a grin I pulled the door open and left , leaving Ricky staring after me on the stairs . He knew this was all strange , but I wondered if he knew a lot more . Before dinner I had Contacted Keller . He had planned to meet me after I left home the next morning to fly back with me , but I wanted him to come tonight so I didn 't have to visit Mom 's grave alone . I hurried out of the house and away . Now that Ricky had seen me leave the house , I didn 't want to fly until I was far away from his observant eyes . If he saw me on a broom he 'd lose it , so I was more and more grateful to Lisabelle for for teaching me how to fly . I rushed through the woods , slipping my necklace off as I moved . I was no longer afraid of the the trees and the wind . Having to get to Public through a demon - infested forest had cured me of that . I shook my head , smiling . " Nope , perfect , " I told him . He landed in the inch or so of snow that was left , mixed in with a few leaves and pine needles , so I heard the crunch of his boots hitting the ground . He wore dark - colored jeans and a hoodie , but no jacket . Guys were seriously never cold . It was ridiculous . As he furled his wings I didn 't wait for him to say hello . Instead , I threw myself at him . It had been almost two weeks since I had seen him and I desperately wanted a hug . He laughed and caught me . We 'd been dating long enough now that he wasn 't surprised by such behavior . His hands rested on my ribcage for a second , causing sparks , before he wound his strong arms tightly around my middle . My mouth found his , and then neither of us said anything for a while . " Let me help you with that , " he said . I might have expected him to take my mittened hands in his , but he didn 't . Instead , he just kissed me soundly again . When he pulled away I made a deep noise of protest in the back of my throat , which made him chuckle again . " Sorry , " he said . " I told you I didn 't want you to be cold , and your lips looked like they were freezing . " " Thanks for going with me , " I said . " Do you really think this will get you closer to finding out what happened to your mom ? " He used his fingers to rub my spine , and I closed my eyes for a heartbeat . Keller snorted . " Maybe it just runs in the family . " That earned my boyfriend a glare , but he just grinned . " Come on , you 're right . We should get going . " " Tell me about your vacation , " I said . Instead of letting me go , Keller swung me easily into his arms . I once thought I 'd feel childish in this position , but with Keller I never did . One of his arms looped under my knees , while mine went around his neck . " Ready ? " he asked , our faces inches apart . His lips were a little red and I was glad he couldn 't see the major blush I must have going on . " Huh ? " I asked . I barely felt him push off , I just had a sense of the air moving as his dark wings unfurled . Fallen angel wings were always pictured as white and pure , but that was a common misconception . They were actually dark and strong and there was nothing delicate about protecting health and goodness . There was only kindness and strength . I looked out over the dark treetops . Some still held snow , while others were bare . I searched for my house , but it wasn 't visible from here . I could see the main village , though , and past that the school Ricky attended . It all looked perfectly quiet and normal . I wondered if all the sleepers would be terribly upset if they knew that at that very moment a fallen angel was soaring high above them . Probably , in fact . They 'd probably be very upset . " Over there . " As I said it I pointed in the direction of Mountain . It wasn 't anywhere near the tallest peak around , but I remembered it by heart . Keller turned in that direction , holding me tightly . It was too loud to talk while he flew , we 'd have had to yell , but I was content just looking around and having Keller there . With no flowers blooming or blueberry bushes growing wildly in winter , the cemetery was starkly visible . The old gravestones stuck out from the snow . Keller landed on the edge of the tree line , careful not to disturb the dark peace . Gently , he set me down . I slid out of his arms and pulled my coat back into place , then straightened my hat . Keller eyed me . " Procrastinating ? " he asked . I gave Keller 's chest a playful shove . " Keller ! " I cried . He smiled , but his hand never stopped touching me , he just kept trying to comfort and protect me . I couldn 't have done this without him . I sighed . " I guess . " I looked nervously at the gravestones . This was going to be harder than I thought . " I remember this place so differently , " I confided to him . " I know , " he whispered . " But you 're strong . You have to do this and you can . I 'll be right here with you . " I nodded and stepped away from him , reaching up to take his hand . " Come on , then , " I said . I moved slowly . Somehow every crunch of snow beneath our feet made me flinch . It was totally quiet out here except for us . " Do you think demons watch this place ? " I asked . I wasn 't sure which one was my mother 's plot , so I stopped at every headstone . Some looked older than others , but there were enough so that finding Mom was going to take a few minutes . " I think demons are watching everything at this point , " said Keller quietly , still following behind . I glanced back at him , which made me come to a halt . He shrugged . " This is going to get worse before it gets better . " His blue eyes looked black , but I could still tell they were filled with worry . Keller bent down to examine the headstone , which looked relatively new . He brushed away the snow at the front , just in case the letters were covered , but there was nothing . No name and no date . " I don 't know , " he said . " Could it be your mom 's ? " " No , " I said , stepping around him , " because she 's right next to it . " There was the simple gravestone I remembered . Carl had tried to talk to me about what to write on it , but I had thrown something at him , I couldn 't remember what . Maybe a book . I took a shaken breath and knelt down next to Keller . " Are you okay ? " he asked . He was no longer looking at the unmarked stone , but instead at me . " Yes , " I whispered . I knew tears were streaming down my face , but I didn 't care . " It just says beloved mother , " said Keller . " That was nice of your stepdad . " " Hi , Mom , " I whispered . " Sorry I didn 't come sooner . I wanted to , but I just didn 't have the strength . Carl gave me your box today and I 'm trying to open it . I need to find out who Dad is . Ricky wants to know too . " I took another shaky breath . " Carl isn 't Ricky 's dad , is he , Mom ? " I was crying harder now . I touched the top of the gravestone . There were flowers there , dried , but not that old . Frowning , I picked them up and examined them . I recognized the label from the local flower shop . Sighing , I put them back . Carl hadn 't mentioned coming up here , but maybe he did . " How do I open the box , Mom ? " I whispered , staring down at the flowers through my tears . It was hard to see between the water and the night . I closed my eyes and let the hot tears continue to trickle down my cheeks . " I know there 's stuff you keep from me , " said Ricky . " Lots of stuff . I know , because I remember Mom too . I might have been young , but there were , there are , strange things that happen . When are you going to tell me ? " PhoenixKindleOctober 16 , 2013 at 7 : 55 PMThanks for sharing this ! How soon do you plan to publish it ? ReplyDeleteRepliesMaddy EdwardsOctober 28 , 2013 at 8 : 20 AMHi PhoenixKindle , sorry for the delayed response ! It 's published ! what 'd you think ? DeleteReplyAdd commentLoad more . . . Greetings and happy reading ! Thanks for coming to check out my blog . I 'm the author of the Paranormal Public , One Black Rose , and Spiral series and I love hearing from readers !

Hey , writer - type folks . AND PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO PLAY BUT DON ' T IDENTIFY AS ' WRITERS ' - all are welcome here . Every Friday we do a fun free - write . For fun . And Freedom . Write whatever you want in the comments section on this blog post . Play as many times as you like . BREAK THE BLOG ! You have two minutes ( give or take a few seconds . . . no pressure ! ) . Have fun . The more people who play , the more fun it is . So , tell a friend . Then send ' em here to read your ' two ' and encourage them to play . If you have a blog and you want to post your pieces there too ( and link back here ) , that would be lovely . You wake up , and your jaw creaks open . You look in the mirror and expect to see broken teeth , spider - webbed abutments holding them in place . You never sleep through the night and , when you do , you wake up like someone stuffed your nostrils full of Disney powder . Don 't eat the apple ! There 's no point dwelling on it . Use it . Twist it your way . The whole world is malleable on Fridays . You wonder at the strangeness of the voyage ; fun - house faces leer in the darkness , and you either reach for them - wanting to remember - or you shake your head like a wet dog . It doesn 't work . You lost your grip on the controls , see ? And now you 're bumper - car crazy down the shoulder of the freeway - all the way to the wrist where the skin is soft and pale . Freeways have shoulders , but they are heartless bastards nonetheless . Drive on . Thanks for stopping by ! I will be in and out all day but , rest assured , I 'll be reading everything and commenting as I have time . Happy Friday ! I never write the title first . You 'd think I 'd remember that . Still , I try it . It 's like the goddamn toaster oven all over again . Never use the glove because this time I 'll do it and not burn the shit out of my hand and have to eat toast that tastes like burnt hair . Now , where was I ? I got myself all twisted with a title for something that didn 't exist yet , and now I feel it like warm hands around my neck . I think people think I 'm lazy . I realized that today . I get it . If they could read minds they 'd know there ain 't nothing lazy about it . Shit 's like a Rotary Club meeting where a disgruntled waiter dosed everyones ' grey coffee . I 'm gonna buy a blue blazer with gold buttons and sit in the corner scrabbling at my cuticles and singing Jethro Tull in my head . Come on , I 'm the Whistler ! I have a fife . And a drum to play ! I think I think about what other people think about me too much . I think I think about what I think about myself too much . I think too much , period . I think too much about thinking too much . Where 's that fucking waiter ? Maybe he has some Benzos . I met a woman recently who told me I have nice forearms . It was weird . It was weirder than if she 'd told me that my shoes were really antennas that transmit my thoughts to the magic fire people who live inside the earth . I told her I type a lot . She looked at me like I was crazy . Ain 't it grand . I 'm trying this first person thing because my friend got me thinking on it . He looks EXACTLY like Jimi Hendrix , by the way . Fucking unreal . Facebook wouldn 't lie . I used to write in the first person a lot . Now , it 's second for short , third for long . Most of the time . And now I feel like a football announcer , only I 'm not trying to make excuses for degenerate fucking assholes or trying to be the sensitive , understanding guy who wants to land a contract with ESPN . I don 't like talking about me . Not in a way that you can see . Not that I write about me anyway . I write about shadings and slight of hand tricks . I take perception and turn it into deception , courting true lies . I 'd like to say I do it for profit , but I 'm sure not profiting . I don 't know why I do it . I write a damn good guilt trip though . Want to take one ? I like it when my brain shuts the fuck up for a little while . That 's what happens when I write . Make sense ? Nope . Doesn 't make sense to me either . Hey , writer - type folks . AND PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO PLAY BUT DON ' T IDENTIFY AS ' WRITERS ' - all are welcome here . Every Friday we do a fun free - write . For fun . And Freedom . Write whatever you want in the comments section on this blog post . Play as many times as you like . BREAK THE BLOG ! You have two minutes ( give or take a few seconds . . . no pressure ! ) . Have fun . The more people who play , the more fun it is . So , tell a friend . Then send ' em here to read your ' two ' and encourage them to play . If you have a blog and you want to post your pieces and link back here , that would be lovely . Are my eyes open yet ? Would I know ? That 's one of them fancy questions the college kids like . But , it 's relevant . Shit 's all blurry . Is my brain functioning ? Would you know ? If I spin around on this chair , arms flung wide , eyes to the popcorn ceiling , what ? If I stood at the top of an ivy - tinseled tower and sang at the top of my voice , how long would you wait before you 'd call someone ? What about my voice ? What about my eyes ? Why do you want to break it down , disassemble it , it 's creeping me the hell out . I hear soft , work sounds - scrabbling , urgent noises - efficient grunts and muttered curses . The sky is the color of a clay eraser . The scraping , I can feel it in my skull . God , what a sound - a million hairs bristle at the afrontery . Which my blog doesn 't seem to think is a word . I 'm pretty sure it is . Just as I 'm pretty sure that the clay will reform itself , the sun will shine , young lovers will stroll with arms entwined . That 's something I can get behind . Thanks for stopping by ! I will be in and out all day but , rest assured , I 'll be reading everything and commenting as I have time . Happy Friday ! I woke up this morning at five . That 's the time my cat usually comes in to request breakfast , only this morning I woke up because he didn 't come . I am currently sitting on the couch with my laptop - this is nothing unusual . I wake up and write every day . Usually , however , I have company - my cat sits right beside me all day long . That was the way things used to be . That all changed yesterday . I grew up in a Navy family . We moved a lot , and I never had a pet . Sure , we had a goldfish for a few days . Hamsters for a brief time . I always wanted a dog , but I was always denied . Which , in hindsight , makes a lot of sense . Sort of . When I was twenty years old , I lived in a punk house in the Mission district of San Francisco . It was a great old building that had been left to decay . We lived with eight people in a three room flat with a picture of Prince in a g - string on the front door . I was going out with a girl at the time and she moved in with me . We were in love . We were also battling some serious demons , though we didn 't realize it at the time . My girlfriend grew up with cats . She suggested we get a kitten . I don 't remember being all that excited about it , but she was excited , and I certainly didn 't hate the idea . I craved some kind of " settled " existence , and I was not in the right frame of mind to realize that being an addict and living with an addict made the decision to adopt a cat kind of bizarre . I looked through the paper until I saw an ad for free kittens . I called a nice woman and we were shaking hands less than an hour later . The woman was friendly . Older ( I have no idea now whether that means she was forty or sixty ) . There was a pile of kittens in her garden . Half were all white . Half were black and white . None were moving . I walked over toward the pile and , immediately , one of the little black and white kittens stood up like he had been called to duty , walked over to me and put his paws as high up on my leg as he could . Something changed in my heart that day . I didn 't realize it at the time . At the time , I thought , " I guess we 'll take this one . " Kittens are one of my favorite things . If you can find anything unlikeable about a kitten , there is something seriously wrong with you . We went back to the house and everyone was stoked on the new kitten . We played the rest of the day . When it was time to go to bed , I lay down , and the kitten immediately plopped down onto my chest and went to sleep . I woke up the next morning to a tiny rough tongue licking my face . We decided to name him Catamaphone ( which will make sense to Simpsons fans ) , but we called him Cat for short . I think it is fair to say that , from the beginning , Cat was my cat . He liked my girlfriend and they were cute together . He played with my friends . But he slept on my chest . He followed me around like a puppy . I was fascinated and in love in a whole new way . We took him to the SPCA to get fixed . They had a deal where they would give you five bucks if you got your cat fixed . I donated the five dollars although I really could have used it . They were looking after my cat , after all . Cat didn 't leave my room much . I loved my roommates , and I didn 't mind having a different band sleeping in the living room all the time , but I didn 't trust them to be as vigilant as I was . Cat was hell on wheels , and he broke for the door every time it opened . He was fast as hell . I think if I had let him out , he would have come right back , but when you live at 24th and Mission , you have some reservations about leaving a tiny , cute animal to defend itself . There are some tough cats in the Mission . Time passed , the house changed , and my girlfriend and I moved to a tiny apartment with Cat . We were happy for a while , and then things started to go downhill . Honestly , I don 't remember whose fault it was . Which probably means we shared in the petty stupidity that led to our breakup . Regardless , we broke up . In one of the worst ways I can imagine . A few days before my last semester of college , my girlfriend didn 't come home until like six in the morning - several days running . We didn 't speak of it . I was mad , but I didn 't want to know what she 'd been doing . I left for the first day of my last semester with the same words I used every time I left the house : " I love you , Cat . Be good and hold down the fort . I 'll be home soon . " When I came home all the locks on the apartment had been changed . This would seem normal if I were an angry , abusive guy . Or a thief . I 'm not . And I never have been . I get angry , but not at people I love . And if I do , it 's more of a sadness . I remember trying every key I had , even though I knew - it was incomprehensible to me . I was pissed . My cat was inside the apartment . I called my girlfriend and told her that the door was going to be opened whether she came home and opened it or the cops did . She came and opened the door . I said I was leaving . She said she 'd pack my stuff up . I said one thing and I remember it like it was thirty seconds ago . I said : " If you think I 'm not taking Cat with me right now , you 're out of your mind . " She nodded : " I know . " I remember being glad that she didn 't fight for Cat . It made it much easier to hate her as opposed to missing her . I called my friend Josh who went to Stanford and lived in East Palo Alto - the murder capital of the US at the time . I went and stayed with him . I rented an apartment in the same complex . I couldn 't afford the City on my own , and I , literally , did not have the strength to even think about apartment hunting . So , I moved to EPA . I stopped doing hard drugs because Cat didn 't like it when I was spun , but my drinking hobby became a drinking obsession . I drank Albertson 's brand bourbon . $ 7 a fifth . I probably went through four or five on an average week . I worked , I went to school , I drank as much as I could , and I read everything John D . MacDonald ever wrote . I was grasping at straws , and I 'm not sure if I would have made it had it not been for Cat . I loved bourbon . I love John D . MacDonald . But they didn 't need me . Cat needed me , and the responsibility of taking care of him saved me . As did the fact that he was there for me . Always . A lot of animals do amazing things , and everyone thinks their pet is special , but Cat was something extra special . When I was sad , he knew it and would not leave my side . When I was sick , he slept with me . He didn 't even demand food . He put me first . That was a new experience for me . Later , when I was married , my wife would tell me that every day about ten minutes before I came home , Cat would go and stand vigil by the door . Waiting for me . Allow me to break the narrative for a moment . My cat played fetch . I would sit for hours and throw sparkle balls and he 'd either catch them in mid - air or bat them around a little before trotting over with the ball in his mouth and dropping it at my feet . He came when I called . He was my best friend . I say this because I know there are folks who don 't think you can have a meaningful relationship with a pet . And there are a lot of folks who don 't like cats because they 're not dogs . I didn 't expect to adopt a cat who played fetch , obeyed voice commands , or was completely devoted to me . Cats were supposed to be aloof . . . like I 'd always tried to be . Things were hard , as I said . But , no matter what , I had to be able to feed Cat . I had to clean his litter box . I had something to take care of . He needed me . I didn 't think I was worthy of being cared for . Cat disagreed . And there was no doubt in my mind that he deserved the best of everything . He ate better than me . I built a track around the wall of my ' bunker ' . . . er , studio . . . and he 'd run and jump and amaze me . The only thing that made me happy was Cat , bourbon , and John D . MacDonald . You can 't snuggle with booze or dead writers , though . I 'd always been a pretty high - functioning drunk , so I didn 't miss work , I finished school and even made the Dean 's List . And I met a girl . And I reconnected with my best friend , Pat . We soon moved in together ( me and Pat ) , and I was happy . We didn 't have much , but we had guitars and a four track and I had a sweet girlfriend . And , most importantly , I had Cat . And he had a bigger apartment to run around in . This girlfriend lasted about as long as the one who 'd locked me out . Around two years . The major difference was that we parted as friends , crying , hugging , knowing we loved each other but were not right for each other . I think it hurt worse that way . Pat and I moved to a new apartment , close to my first home in the Mission . We both worked . When we weren 't working we read , played music , wrote a lot of songs about heartache , and spilled a lot of whiskey on our four track . The best songs I 've ever written were written during this time . And Cat sat quietly and listened to us play . Cat was the only true constant in my life . When I sat down , he sat on my lap . When I was in the shower , he waited outside the door . When I went to sleep , he curled up beside me . Once I was asleep , he 'd take his night time prowls around the apartment , but he was always back when I woke up in the morning . Sometimes he didn 't even ask for food . And then I met Karen , the woman I would end up marrying . The first time she came to my house , we sat down and Cat ran over and climbed up on me , licking my chin for all he was worth . Karen thought it was cute . She was a cat person . Had she not been , we would not be married . But she was . She was wonderful with cats . Cat absolutely adored her . She gave him face massages and knew special tricks I didn 't know . We were happy . After a decent amount of time , we moved in together . Later , I would pop the question and we would marry . We 're still married . We have two daughters . Until yesterday , we also had Cat . When my wife was pregnant with our first daughter , I wondered how Cat would react . He was a thirteen pound Tom cat . I was about to have a baby that would weigh less and come un - equipped with claws and sharp teeth . I wasn 't worried . Cat had never used his claws or his sharp teeth on anyone . Ok , I was a little worried . I needn 't have been . About a month before my daughter came , Cat began to lick and ' scent mark ' all the things we had gotten for the baby . Crib , bouncy chair , toys . It was curious . Was he marking his territory ? Was he helping us prepare ? Other people worried . I didn 't . Much . When we brought my baby girl home , Cat kept a respectful distance without any encouragement . He was not angry . He was not jealous . He seemed happy for us . And he did not come within five feet of our daughter . Until she weighed thirteen pounds . That sounds crazy , but it 's true . As soon as they were the same size , they became fast friends . My daughter slept in our bed , and , as she began to recognize the world around her , she began to really appreciate the cat she would later refer to as her ' big brother ' - I would wager you 'd have a hard time finding a better big brother . Every morning , my daughter would wake up and grab Cat 's tail . Then , she would rub it vigorously on her nose . She followed Cat around the apartment . She hugged him and dragged him to the ground . She tried to ride him like a horse . For a week or so , I worried that Cat was caught in a living hell . Then I noticed that he never left . He 'd simply move away and wait to be tackled again . And he never once made an aggressive move toward the tiny child pulling on his ears . He was clearly enjoying himself . And my daughter was thrilled . Years began to pass quickly . And each year took a little bit of Cat with it . Soon , he was eleven pounds . His demeanor did not change , but he became easier to pick up . He still chased sparkle balls . He still came running when he heard his name ( I think he thought his name was psst psst , but he answered to Cat , too ) . When my second daughter was born , he did the same thing . Wouldn 't come near her until they were the same size . Then , the exact same thing happened . Right down to the morning nose tickles with Cat 's tail . Cat had another tiny friend . A more aggressive friend , but it was by nature - both my girls loved Cat . As they tend to do , the years were catching up with Cat . Soon , he stopped chasing sparkle balls except for rare occasions . He slept more . His days consisted of napping beside me when I wrote and playing with the girls . He started sleeping more at night . I was always good about taking Cat to the vet . He got a respiratory infection after being boarded that almost killed him ( and me ) . I gave him antibiotics . He got better . Then the vet trips became more and more depressing . Bad teeth . He had some removed . His kidneys were failing . The last trip to the vet ( before yesterday ) was about a year and a half ago . They said he had a year left . He weighed seven pounds . For the last several months , Cat could not eat solid food . We mixed cat food with baby food and when that was too much , we gave him straight baby food . We debated taking him to the vet , but I thought the trip would kill him . Two nights ago , I was reading before bed . My wife came in and told me to come see Cat . My throat closed and my heart sank . That 's a cliche , but I felt it sink . I had been dreading this moment . I could read it on my wife 's face . Cat was unable to walk without stumbling . My wife had made an appointment with the vet for later in the week ( the writing was on the wall , even if I didn 't want to read it ) , but it was clear he was not going to make that appointment . My wife called the vet as soon as they opened . I found Cat hiding under the shelves in our " junk room , " which he had claimed as his sanctuary . He was barely responsive . There was blood crusted on his nose and mouth . I have never felt such acute physical pain from an emotional response - and I don 't know that I 've ever been so scared . When we got to the vet , Cat weighed in at six pounds . His bones poked out . His blood pressure was low . The vet , very kindly , told us that he could admit Cat to the hospital and buy him a few more weeks or months , but he would also support euthanizing him . As strange as it may sound , being " given permission " to euthanize Cat was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me . When I can do it , I will go thank that kind vet . I 'm a pretty sensitive guy , and I 'm not afraid of crying . I don 't , however , like to cry in front of people I don 't know . That didn 't matter . My wife was trying not to cry . I didn 't even try . I stood , covered in cat piss , bawling so hard I thought I might hyperventilate while the doctor asked me if I 'd like Cat to be cremated or buried . Or if I 'd like to take him with me . I tried to speak . I signed the paper . Karen and my youngest went to the waiting room . My oldest was at school . I went back to a room that looked like a miniaturized version of every grandmother 's living room . Soon , the doctor came in and put a pink towel on my lap . Then , he lay Cat on the towel . Cat had an IV in his shaved leg , and he had just been given the anesthetic . The doctor told me I had a few minutes and then Cat would sleep and he would be back . What do you say ? Especially when you 're gasping and crying so hard you 'd probably vomit if you had the strength . I thanked Cat for being the most loyal friend I 've ever had . I thanked him for taking care of me and for letting me take care of him . I thanked him for loving my wife and my girls and being so sweet to them . His eyes were getting heavy and I said , " Psst psst . " He looked up and I said : " I love you , Cat . I 'll hold down the fort for you . Come back soon . . . somehow . . . if you can . And now just sleep . Just go to sleep and dream . " I kissed the top of his head . You will never convince me that he didn 't look grateful . His gratitude made it hurt even more . But it will help someday . The vet came back in and made two injections into the IV . Thirty seconds later , Cat was gone . His body was there , but there was a very real sense that he was gone . The body was merely an empty vessel now . I stood up , tried to comport myself , gave up quickly and went out to the waiting room . I was sobbing . I later asked my wife how big of a wreck I 'd looked like . She said I looked like someone who had just lost their best friend . Sounds about right . The nurses murmured their condolences . I shook the doctor 's hand . Then , I shook , my whole body , for a long time . I have always feared Cat 's death , partly because he played such a huge role in my life , but partly because I 'm not sure if I 'd have a life if it wasn 't for Cat . As I said , during periods of my life where I couldn 't muster the courage to take care of myself ( and didn 't very well ) , I refused to shirk my obligations to Cat . I had to get out of bed . I had to make money to buy cat food . I had to be there for Cat because I knew he would do the same for me . And I promised him many times that , no matter how hard it would be , when it was time to step up and tell a man it was OK with me if he killed my cat , that I would do it . For him . And I did . Yesterday , I did very little other than alternately cry and stare off into space . I hugged my family a lot . I winced when I saw Cat 's bed . His food bowl . I 'd realize that I 'd never be sitting in a room and have Cat come in huffy that I 'd snuck off and left him in bed . He was never mad . He just relocated his nap . One of the realizations I had yesterday makes me feel strange . Over the years I have fought many battles against drugs and alcohol . And I quit them all . But I could never fully quit drinking . Three days ago , I drank too much at a party and had a come to Jesus talk with my wife . I have never been a mean or an angry drunk . And recently , I haven 't even been drinking all that much , but the party made me realize ( again ) that when I take a sip of alcohol , I am taking a serious gamble . I might drink two beers and wake up feeling a little groggy . I might wake up with no memory of the night before . So , enough was enough . I wrote up a contract . If I ever drink again , my wife gets to sell my pocketknife collection ( it 's quite a collection ) and my motorcycle . And I can never have a motorcycle ever again . So , it occurred to me yesterday that , possibly , the Cat that kept me alive when I didn 't care . . . the Cat that spent his whole life loving me and putting me above everyone and everything else ( including himself ) . . . maybe that Cat was finally satisfied that I 'd be okay . And maybe he was smart enough to know that I would never break the vow if he checked out . He had been sick for a long time . Maybe it 's a coincidence . I don 't know . I don 't think so , and I don 't really care what anyone else thinks . I think Cat spent seventeen years looking out for me and , when he was confident that I would persevere on my own , he allowed himself to end the pain . He reached out to me and my wife and you could just tell that he needed it to be over . What will I do now ? Well , you can call it stupid or silly or whatever you want , but I am going to try and live the rest of my life by the example Cat set . He was never angry , never petty , never greedy . He was kind , loving , generous , and forgiving ( not some of the time , ALL the time ) . I don 't believe in cat heaven . I don 't believe in people heaven . I wish I did . I believe that Cat stopped being Cat the moment his heart stopped . My heart stopped for a second , too , but it kept beating . My oldest daughter has never dealt with death before . She spent part of yesterday walking around with a stuffed cat and making meowing sounds ( she 's always done a really good Cat impression ) until I asked her , in tears , to play with another toy . She asked if we could get a hamster now . Or another cat . It was like being stabbed in the heart . But she didn 't mean me any harm . She was dealing with it in her way . And Cat would have understood that better than anyone . Will I ever have another Cat ? I don 't know . If I do , it won 't be for a long time . And if I do , that cat will have some pretty big shoes to fill . I know it won 't be Cat , but someday I might be able to accept that I can love another furry thing . Some people will probably find it weird that I wrote this . I understand . I had two reasons . One , when I was younger and didn 't have any experience with domesticated animals , someone would tearfully tell me they put their dog or cat down and I 'd say I was sorry while thinking , " Wow . It was only a dog / cat . " I see now how stupid that was . It 's hard to miss anyone you love when they die . It 's damn near impossible when the loved one never did anything but fill your house , heart , and life with love and joy . Two , I have to write things out . I can 't talk things well , but I can 't keep it inside me or it will fester . It still doesn 't seem real . I took my best friend to the vet and didn 't bring him home . Every time I leave my apartment and don 't say , " I love you , Cat . Be good and hold down the fort . I 'll be home soon . " will be a twinge in my heart . Maybe for the rest of my life . And I write this because , despite the fact that I am currently typing ten words a minute through tears , I owe Cat a decent send off . I need people to know . Even if it 's only six people . I need to tell the story . Hell , I 'm a writer . If I was a sculptor , I 'd be shopping for slabs of marble online . I 'm not . My sculptures are made out of words . Usually , they are made out of pretty words that I care about very much . This is the first thing I 've written in a long time where the words don 't matter . I could give a damn about the typos because it all comes down to this : It hurts . It hurts like hell , and I wouldn 't wish this feeling on anyone . But I wouldn 't trade the last seventeen years of my life for anything , either . Cat is gone , but he does live on in our hearts . In pictures . In videos . In anecdotes - the only time Cat ever hurt me was because I came home and he was covered in gel . I found one of those blue liquid - filled eye masks ripped open . I don 't know what they make that gel out of . So , I immediately stripped , grabbed cat , and stepped into the shower . Water might have been the only thing Cat hated . His claws tore me up pretty bad , but he was scared and trying to hold onto me . And he didn 't stop licking my face the whole time I shampooed him , rinsed him , dried him . And when were we done , I put my pants back on and he sat on my lap looking at me with golden eyes like I was the best thing in the world . Hey , writer - type folks . AND PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO PLAY BUT DON ' T IDENTIFY AS ' WRITERS ' - all are welcome here . Every Friday we do a fun free - write . For fun . And Freedom . Write whatever you want in the comments section on this blog post . Play as many times as you like . BREAK THE BLOG ! You have two minutes ( give or take a few seconds . . . no pressure ! ) . Have fun . The more people who play , the more fun it is . So , tell a friend . Then send ' em here to read your ' two ' and encourage them to play . If you have a blog and you want to post your pieces and link back here , that would be lovely . It looks so high when you 're at the bottom , gathering courage and staring into the sun - soaked boughs . You smell pine sap , feel it sticky on your fingers . The fear is part of the charge . Adrenaline . You deserve to be afraid , don 't you ? And when you get up there ? Man . Like the whole world is tiny now , and you 're big as all creation - tall as a Florida pine . So , you climb . The climbing is methodical - you test the strength of branches , move slowly . It 's a long , long fall . You remember . At the top you just hug that thing because there 's a good breeze and you 're swaying . But you 're up with the birds now , and that 's the important thing . High enough that all you can hear is wind . All you can smell is the smell of hot pine . If you close your eyes tight enough , the tears can 't come out . And if you let the sway take you , you can almost believe you don 't exist at all . Thanks for stopping by ! I will be in and out all day but , rest assured , I 'll be reading everything and commenting as I have time . I love Friday . It would be unfair to say that he was always this way . He wasn 't . He was always headed toward this inevitability , but there was hope . He was sanguine . There were days when he would stare off into space for hours , then , suddenly , he was there . Just talking about normal stuff . Asking questions . Almost like he knew what was happening but was afraid to ask . It was a gradual descent . That 's fair to say . The moments of clarity became a rarity . I 'd come running and devour every word . Tell me . Tell Mommy all about it . He 'd cry sometimes . He didn 't understand , but it was not his job to understand . He felt powerless , but he was powerless . Strange , how quickly sweet things turn sour . Sometimes I think back to when it all started . He was happy then , and he worshipped me . I was happy , too , happy to be everything he needed me to be . Even if he didn 't know what he needed . I did . I hear him at night sometimes , but there is no talking to him once I 've given him his meds . But I hear him . Mommy ! Help ! Sometimes , I 'm angry . Usually , I smile because I know that he needs me more than he has ever needed anyone . It 's gotten so bad now that he needs to be restrained at all times . He is strong physically , but growing weaker mentally . Soon , I will be able to get the straightjacket on , and we won 't use the cage anymore . I don 't feel good about the cage . He 'll keep for the day . I have other clients to see . Clients that didn 't disappoint me . The agreement was clear . There were no safe words . If he couldn 't see what was coming , whose fault is that ? He wanted Mommy to be mean to him . He is just beginning to understand what ' mean ' means . The sun is just beginning to push away the wash of grey - from slate , to a kind of oppressive blue - the sun will be here soon . There is a raven on the wires . He is loud and petulant , tired of being grouped with silly animals like hummingbirds and ostriches . He isn 't fucking around , this raven , he will find his feast and he will tell no one . He keeps his cards close to his chest . Smart bird . I am not like a raven . I am like a long - legged hummingbird that cannot fly . I woke with a kind of terror in my throat . Like a torrent of words might rush out . Or they might get stuck and never come out . I closed my eyes and tried to find my way back into sleep . I was denied . The bouncer was pretty cute , though . I gotta do some things today , and I don 't really want to do any of them . I would like to climb a beanstalk . I would like to lay in the grass atop a hill while the wind tickles my eyelashes . I 'd like to be that raven , giving the eye to passersby , smiling a wicked smile because I know where the carcass is hidden . Hey , writer - type folks . AND PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO PLAY BUT DON ' T IDENTIFY AS ' WRITERS ' - all are welcome here . Every Friday we do a fun free - write . For fun . And Freedom . You can write whatever you want in the comments section on this blog post . Play as many times as you like . BREAK THE BLOG ! You have two minutes ( give or take a few seconds . . . no pressure ! ) . Have fun . The more people who play , the more fun it is . So , tell a friend . Then send ' em here to read your ' two ' and encourage them to play . You slake that thirst , I 'll take your worst . But first . Let 's spread this out on the table , nice even layer , fancy label , make sure everything is on the up and up . You ain 't got aces in your socks , right Ace ? Me ? I don 't wear socks . Makes me feel like my ankles are putting on airs . I ain 't about to brag about my ankles . Squirm and pull your body away from it , the air is thick with syrup and bullshit . I don 't acknowledge it . That 's a damn lie , and I know it . I 'm not being honest . That 's not fair - who am I kidding , that 's more than fair . Smell the sulphur on the wind , the stabs of rich , meat smoke . Listen to the babble of conversation until it streams over you , coating you in a blanket of white noise . Run your hands down your face , feel it . Look up into the sky until the stars blur into one brilliant expanse of white , and you begin to rise . Thanks for stopping by ! I will be in and out all day , so I won 't be able to be around as much , but rest assured , I 'll be reading everything and commenting as I have time . It 's fun to look back at past Fridays ( FYI ) SEE YOU NEXT FRIDAY ! : ) They fall like dry leaves , these tufts of paper , subject to the slightest puffs - he raggles another jagged piece out of the wall he is building . It is hard work , and he is tired . Soft hands cover his face . God , it 's so dark . He wasn 't always this way . He had never planned to be old and , now , gray hair and the noises he makes involuntarily , and there is so much time . Everyone says it like it 's a blessing . Some golden reward for a life lived , if not lived well . Now , you have so much time ! It 's true , but time for what ? Time to sit in an empty apartment tearing cocktail napkins into ribbons ? Time to check the clock and think : Holy shit . It 's not even noon ! There is a sweet , rotten light sneaking through the gaps in the curtain , the gaps in the wall . Even the sun is corrupted , covered in gray misery , plumes of smoke and all manner of bullshit . At least I 've still got plenty of time to enjoy it . He tries to smile . It is at times like this that he wonders if anything could have changed the trajectory . He could have had kids . He could have worked harder . He could have chucked it all long ago and lived like a peasant , chasing enlightenment . There is a sound in the apartment . There are times when he can almost convince himself that he is going crazy . Finally . But the noise is there . It is the noise of desperation . Some gnawing , scrabbling something . He tries to ignore it or enjoy its company . Failing at both . He has become a man who names the birds outside his window - he does not know if this is some form of penance or something to be proud of . There is so much he does not know . And folks lay it on him . You have all the time in the world , now ! So , what ? He should start learning about steam engines or stop eating gluten or do yoga in a sauna ? People say these things to him and he blinks like a man who has spent the day in a mine . And they look at him with sad , long faces while he thinks of violence . There is a scrap of paper taped to the bathroom mirror . It is the first thing he sees every morning . He does not remember when it arrived there . It is written in his handwriting , though , so he reads it . He reads this every morning and nods resolutely . The woman who sells him coffee must shave her beard . The men climbing poles will walk the power lines , one after another , crossing the city in grid - flash daring . The girly show is everywhere , but they never show it all , no matter what the barker says . He looks at the clock and taps his fingernails on the table and charts the pain that starts in his left temple and goes all the way down his back , to his thighs - hot , sharp pain . This is it . This is everything and everything is nothing . Outside , the birds sing and he resists the urge to throw crumbs out the window , cooing the little names he has created , the lives he has created . He knows that if he were gone tomorrow , it would be a blip in their recognition , if that . And just last week he woke to a goldfinch on his steps and he had cried the rest of the day , mourning beauty lost . Cursing the neighbor 's cat . It is time to do something with all this time , but what ? He wishes he could donate it . Give it to some young go - getter with plans and a glint in his eye . Let him use the time . Maybe he could do something with it . Time passes . It may pass slow , but it does pass . He can 't stop it . He can 't speed it up and he can 't slow it down no matter how it feels or what his third grade teacher said so many years ago .

T and I had fallen asleep on the couch as we often do on the weekends . We watched a movie all snuggled up and warm on the couch . When the movie was over , we turned on an episode of The Office . It was the one where Michael proposes to Holly . I had watched it the other night with Em . It was so sweet that I wanted T to see it , too . I loved watching it again , and I loved seeing T smile at all the right parts . Even after the show was over , we stayed in our spots on the couch . We halfheartedly talked about getting ready for bed , but it was so warm and cozy . We were so sleepy and so comfortable . The next thing I knew , it was morning and T was in the kitchen brewing a pot of coffee . I wandered in with a smile on my face and told him that I was kind of enjoying our weird pack mentality when it came to sleeping . There is something so delicious about drifting off to sleep right where you sit compared to the formality and routine of getting ready for bed . He agreed . Falling to sleep like that is wonderful , but damn , are we ever sore in the mornings from sleeping all night in awkward positions . We laughed a little more as we both stood there trying to stretch out the kinks . These odd sleeping arrangements have become our habit as of late on Friday and Saturday nights . We skip the bed and the bedroom . We nest and nestle in for sleep wherever we are comfortable at the time . The best thing of all are the mornings . It is just the two of us wandering around downstairs . We haven 't had the luxury of lingering over coffee and conversation in the kitchen for many years . Strangely , I am reminded of my grandparents . As a child , I can remember waking up at their house and coming into the kitchen as they both sat at the table sipping their coffee . It was a warm , peaceful feeling of contentment to see them there . Now that is T and I . It makes me feel old , yet content , all at the same time . As we finished up in the kitchen this morning , I told T that I was going to go upstairs and write before the girls woke up . He stopped and looked at me . " What are you going to write about ? " He had never , ever asked me that question before . I have been blogging for two years , but he has never asked me one question about it . I don 't hide the fact that I 'm writing . Many times I have come to him to talk about a particular blog post or a comment that I have received . Until this morning , though , he has never asked me what I was going to write about . Today he asked , so I poured another cup of coffee and asked him to join me at the table . Continue Reading » 8 Comments Posted on October 25 , 2011 Last night I packed my suitcase once again . I 'm leaving this afternoon to attend another conference . While I am looking forward to spending time with my friends , I don 't find myself very excited at the prospect of leaving the peace and safety of my home . Home seems to be the only place where I don 't doubt myself . It 's the only place where I feel like ME anymore . As I looked through my clothes , I couldn 't find one thing that I really wanted to pack . It 's not that I don 't have a closet full of nice clothes , the problem is that I don 't think I look good in any of them . There is a formal awards dinner tomorrow night . Instead of thinking about the award I SOOOO want to win , I found myself more concerned about what to wear for that event . Everything I looked at , I decided against once I imagined it on me . " No . This will make me look frumpy . " " No . This will make me look like I am trying to be too young . " " No . My arms don 't look good in that . " " No . This makes my breasts look non - existent . " " I look fat in that . " " I look ugly . Period . " The voices in my head were not being kind . I once enjoyed these conferences . I enjoyed the company . I enjoyed new ideas and learning new things . Now , all I can think about is not acting like there is something wrong with me . I wonder if friends that I have not seen in months will take me aside ( again ) and ask me what 's wrong . Will they wonder if I have been / am sick ? Will they talk behind my back at how dramatically Pam has changed ? I can put on the most lovely clothes in the world , but clothes can never cover up the things that I would like to hide . My hair can be perfect . My makeup can look great , but nothing can put the sparkle back in my eyes . That 's why I feel ugly now . The way I look hasn 't changed all that much , but what is on the inside of me has been altered dramatically . When I am home , I can feel the me I once was beginning to emerge . I feel safe at home , and I am able to take things at my own pace . I don 't have to be " on . " I feel supported by my family . Healing can take place at home . It is these times out on my own that shake me up and fill me with doubt and fear . I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts . I 'm afraid to be without the distraction of my daughters . I miss having my cat curled up on my lap . Rebuilding my self - confidence is a monumental task . It doesn 't take much to shatter the delicate beginnings . Rebuilding who I once was is much more difficult than it was getting there the first time around . I suppose part of that is because I blame myself for ever letting anything , anyone , or any situation undermine what was such an essential and important of myself . As I 've thought about what the next few days will bring , I have decided to just accept feeling ugly . What I look like does NOT matter . What is important is who I am on the inside . I will go , and I will learn . I will catch up with old friends . I will direct my care and concern outward instead of keeping my focus on ME . I will stop caring so much about the ugly girl on the OUTSIDE , and concentrate more on on nurturing the beautiful woman on the INSIDE . Leave a comment Posted on October 24 , 2011 I have been one lucky woman this past week . I spent time with each of my kids . Spending time with my kids was once something I took for granted . I am their mom . They woke me up in the morning , and they were by my side all day long . I remember craving time for myself during those years . Mommy sometimes took a 15 minute break when the kids were little . I would sit quietly in the living room for a few peaceful moments and enjoy a cup of coffee while the kids peeked around the doorway wondering why I wanted peace or quiet . How could that be fun ? Where did that time go ? Where are those little blonde , big - eyed children who always had hundreds of questions ? I can close my eyes and see the faces of those little children so clearly . Now they , except for Lola , are all grown up . Their lives are busy . My life has changed , too , since those days of sunshine , swings , and the sandbox . While I miss those days , there is something equally exciting in seeing them become adults . Their choices are their own . Of course , as parents we try to help and guide them , but now it is up to them to fulfill their own destinies and make their own decisions . It is rewarding to see them become such fine adults . Luke was home from Marquette for three days . T and I drove to pick up Luke and Shannon from the train station late on Wednesday evening . It had been a long week for them of mid - term exams followed by a day of travel . They were travelling home together for the first time . I felt such joy to see them stepping down from the train . They have such deep love and friendship between them . Beneath all of that is a steady mutual respect . I love seeing my son become a good , kind , considerate man who treats his girlfriend with admiration and support . I savored those moments as the four of us drove home on the winding country roads . I felt so safe and secure to be snug in the car with people I loved so much as we drove through the dark . The girls were waiting for their brother when we made it home . There was laughter and LOUD once again in our house as we all welcomed Luke back home . I enjoyed having my grown up son home for a few days . I had missed his sense of humor . I had missed his banter with his sisters . There was a sense of celebration for those days when our son was back home . He took Lola to the corn maze and the pumpkin patch . We celebrated with extended family . We shopped with him for a few things he needed to take back to school . We had a final night as a family at our favorite pizza place . That last night , Luke and I sat up late together in the living room and watched Netflix . I don 't even know the name of the show . It was about aliens . It was stupid , really bad , but that didn 't matter . I loved being snuggled on the couch under a blanket . I loved sitting up late , sipping a Pepsi , and munching on popcorn with my son . Luke headed back to Milwaukee early on Saturday morning , and I headed to Chicago to see Andrew . Andy needed a few cold weather things from home . He had tickets to a movie screening on Saturday night and wanted company . I was happy to bring him the things he needed and to have a chance to hang out in the city with my son . I was apprehensive about seeing him . I hoped that he was adjusting well to this move . I had been concerned after his recent visit home . He seemed to be homesick at the time , but I had not mentioned it to him . My oldest son , this young man who has faced more challenges in his young life than most people will face during a lifetime , oh … . how I worry about him . I want his life to fit . I want him to feel self - confidence . I want him to succeed . As I rode along on my way to Chicago , I wondered what I would find . A mom " knows . " I would know the moment I saw his face if he was doing as well as his phone calls would lead me to believe . I was thrilled the moment I saw him come around the corner . His eyes sparkled . He looked GREAT ! OK , other than the facial hair and the fact that he needed a haircut ! 🙂 He was happy . He was actually happy ! He had so much to tell me . He told me about a girl he had met . She 's a teacher specializing in ADD . We laughed . Where had she been all of his life ? He talked about school . He laughed about cleaning his apartment furiously the night before . He had graded papers from school strategically placed on the kitchen counter . He is doing fabulously ! The very best part of all , though , was the huge squeeze he gave me and the genuine smile on his face . We had a wonderful day and night . We took the train around the city . We walked for miles and miles . We shared wonderful food . We tried new beers . We went to the zoo . He took me to his favorite neighborhood hang - outs , and it was so good to see people call him by name . It was good to see that he is making a life for himself . The visit was short , but it was perfect . I am so happy for him and so darn proud ! Back home now , and while I love the city and have developed such a soft spot for Chicago , I am experiencing a new - found appreciation for my quiet country home . I 'm beginning to see this wonderful place where I live as the best kept secret in the world . It 's safe and calm , beautiful and peaceful . I 'm happy to be here … . right here . Tonight the girls and I were happily catching up and enjoying the whole " Girls Rule " feeling in the house again . As much as T pretends to be horrified to be the only male in the household , I know he secretly loves being surrounded by the female members of the family . He often looks baffled as the conversations swirl around him , but I can see his enjoyment as he witnesses his daughters becoming young women . Lola was happily chatting about her Halloween costume choices , and Emily was telling me about her fantastic weekend . Em 's boyfriend had been home from college , too . They had a great time together , and she was sharing every detail . She seems to be shocked that he " really likes her . " Later , the girls and I were all in the bathroom painting our toenails while T was watching football . We were still being silly , talking , and enjoying our time together . Em told me that she had bought some Nair over the weekend , but hadn 't tried it out yet . I laughed . The last time she tried Nair on her legs , she freaked out in the shower . She accidentally touched her head and was afraid that she was going to end up bald . We laughed as we remembered that day . She had screamed bloody murder in the shower , and I had come running . I had to scrub off her legs for her while she protected her head hair . Knowing that her last Nair experience had been traumatic , I asked her why she would even want to try it again . " Oh , you know me , Mom . I make the same mistakes over and over before I finally learn . " Ha ! I laughed . Like mother , like daughter ! I certainly hope she learns to stop doing that much earlier in her life than her mother did . Leave a comment Posted on October 21 , 2011 Today was a long day , and I am surprised to find myself writing a blog post . I didn 't get home from work until after 9 : 30 . It was a draining day , and on top of that , I haven 't been feeling well . All I wanted to do was sit down and relax for a while before going to bed , but the words were brewing and bubbling up inside of me , so here I am , writing again . As I sat here quietly trying to unwind , my head was replaying moments from my busy day . It was a strange day that seemed to take place like scenes from a play . Scene I : a morning phone call . Scene II : a quiet , contemplative drive to work . Scene III : a meeting with mega - rich hoteliers . On and on , my day went from one scene to the next . The only player that was constant was me . I walked out on the stage never knowing what I was going to get . Everyone else seemed to know their lines , but not me . Maybe I was feeling a bit scattered because I didn 't feel well . I felt like I was a step behind . I felt uncertain and unsure . As I sat here tonight replaying the scenes , I thought about the interactions I had today with such a wide variety of people . My work day ended by giving a presentation to a large group of business owners and residents at a public meeting . Each scene of my day had a different tone , and I thought about that as I sat on the couch trying to relax . Moments can go well , or they can be fraught with difficulty . It can go either way . So much is dependent on the people involved . Kindness seems to be the key element . The addition or the lack of kindness can tip a situation in one direction or the other . Continue Reading » 2 Comments Posted on October 18 , 2011 I haven 't written in this blog for about a week . I 've been writing , but just not here . As summer ends and cooler weather settles in , I find myself recalling many moments from my past . I have been concentrating on remembering and gauging my progress from season to season . I suppose you could call it a " self - inventory . " Am I better off this year than I was last year ? Am I happier ? What lies ahead ? What do I keep ? What do I throw away ? What do I change ? What are my goals ? What am I striving to achieve ? Where do I want to be in my life next year at this time ? These past two years have not been happy . Yet in the midst of all of the sadness , moments of joy continue to shine brightly enough to make their way through the murk and lighten my life . Life has a way of doing that . There is so much beauty and joy to be had in this life and in this world . It 's contagious . It 's almost impossible to ignore . I 'm sure I 'm not the only one , but it seems that way too often I experience mixed emotions . Some things are really good in my life , while other things really kind of suck . There doesn 't ever seem to be a happy medium . Maybe it 's because I am in the middle of so many other lives . I have four kids who rely on me . I am responsible for my mother . Then there is work . I manage volunteers . I have to deal with committees and a board . I am the person responsible for getting the volunteers excited , thanking them , guiding them in the right direction . I feel like so much of my time is spent being ON . Performing . After certain committee meetings , it takes me literally hours to unwind . That was the case last night . I had a board meeting , and it had gone wonderfully well . I was dead - on . I was well - prepared , and the initiatives I introduced were well - received . My adrenaline was flowing . It was great , but I was revved up for hours even after I went home . I couldn 't stop . I burned off my excess energy by cleaning like a madwoman . I vacuumed three flights of stairs . I made dinner . I ironed . Yet , I was still full of energy . I told T that it felt like I had testosterone flowing through my veins , and he better watch out or I would kick his ass . Of course , I am exhausted today . Obviously , I love my job . It 's been one of the greatest surprises and greatest joys of my life . I certainly didn 't set out to do what I do . A decade ago , I didn 't even know such things existed . If I had heard myself speaking as I do now on a daily basis , it would have seemed like a foreign language created from acronyms . While I love what I do , I seem to be lacking balance . One look at my calendar , and it 's obvious that there will be no let up in my schedule until the holidays . As well - prepared as I was for the meeting yesterday , I was not prepared for receiving a phone call as I was walking down the hall , arms full and coffee in hand , to the meeting room . It was a number that I didn 't recognize , so I answered the call . " Pam , this is the Kidney Center . Your mom is fine , but we need you to pick up a kit for a test we would like to perform on your mother 's stools . " ( Yuck ! ) It was 4 : 00 p . m . I asked when they needed me to pick this test kit up . " Now . " I told them that I was just about to walk into a meeting and asked if I could call back around 5 : 30 . " We won 't be here then . We close at 5 : 00 . " My gosh ! Pretty decent of them to call me at work and expect me to drive over there , at least a 20 minute drive , within the next hour . I asked them if this was an emergency or could it wait until the morning . Yes , it could wait . Today I called the Kidney Center while I was driving to work . Their answering machine informed me that their hours were 9 : 00 - 2 : 30 today . Just great . I was tied up in meetings until 4 : 00 . I had hoped to leave at that time and take care of whatever it was that I needed to do . I still really had no idea other than that they wanted to test my mother 's stools . Truthfully , I feel that it is more a matter of racking up as many charges as possible on their well - insured patient 's account . I called and left a message , but my call was never returned . It is these little out of the blue things that drive me nuts . Just when I think I have a handle on all of my responsibilities , something else always surfaces . As I drove home from work , I looked out across the fields . They are all bare now , and they 'll look like this for many months . Another season has passed . Have I used this season well ? I don 't think so . I seem too often to be stuck in a place of sadness and loss . As much as I try to recognize the beauty and joy around me , I am pulled back into remembering . When I walked into the house , Emily was waiting for me in the kitchen . She had been working on a Senior Memory Book writing assignment for school , and she wanted me to proofread what she had written . She was on her way out the door , but wanted me make sure to talk to me before she left . Ugh … . I was tired , and I had just gotten home . I had to make dinner , do laundry , help Lola with her homework , now this . I told Em that I would be happy to help her out , and she was gone . My mom is my best friend . I would not be the person I am today if it weren 't for her guidance along the way . She holds me up , and I hold her up . Thinking about my life without her isn 't even feasible to me . If I have a problem that I need help dealing with , she 's there no matter what . Even though it seems like she has a million things on her plate at one time , she would drop it all to help me . She helps me deal with my mistakes , whether it 's by telling me that she once made the same mistake , or just sitting there talking it out with me . When she is going through a hard time and is in pain , I feel it along side her . She and I are exactly alike in just about every way that I can think of . She looks like me , talks like me , walks like me , thinks like me , and makes the same mistakes as me . We even have the same favorite foods . I can open my mouth and say one word , and I 'll have my mom rolling on the floor laughing . Sometimes we get into fights that last a while , but we get over it and finally end up laughing . I love my mom more than anyone on the planet , and I will never let our relationship fail . I was honored . I was happy , yet sad , all at the same time . She does know me . She knows how she has propped me up these past years . Yes , she has been my best friend . She has held my hand , laughed with me , and understood those moments when all I have needed was to have her quietly by my side . I am so proud of the loyal , compassionate young woman she has become . I am so very thankful that she feels that I have been there for her and that I will always be there for her . Even while I am proud of her , I am ashamed that she has not had a better , happier , more perfect mother . That is life , though , isn 't it ? While we strive or wish for a " perfect , " happy existence , that isn 't the real world . Life is full of challenges and disappointments . As hard as we try , sometimes things just don 't go our way . I am sad that my sweet daughter has had to learn those lessons already at her tender age . Sad , yes , but proud that she has continued to love through the pain of loss and mistakes and has learned that laughter often follows tears . Leave a comment Posted on October 13 , 2011 I had a lovely morning coffee meeting today with a retired gentleman . He was a gallant gentleman . He stood up when I approached the table where he sat waiting . He shook my hand in both of his hands . I sat my bag down next to my chair and placed my black binder on the table before I moved to go to the counter to order my mocha . He was immediately up and out of his seat again . He wanted to buy my coffee . I wouldn 't allow it . I had invited him to meet me . I wanted a mocha ( really , really badly ! ) and I couldn 't expect him to pay $ 6 for my indulgence . We bandied back and forth over it for a moment until I put my hand on his arm and told him that I insisted on buying my own mocha . We got our business discussion out of the way immediately , and then we settled in to a lively discussion about travel , Italy , architecture , and historic preservation . I thoroughly enjoyed his company , and I smiled as I drove back to my office . I was still happy and excited as I sat down behind my desk . I had asked the man to volunteer his professional services and serve on a committee . He is a retired architect , and his knowledge will be such an asset to the committee , but that isn 't why I was so happy to have made the connection with this gentleman . He may not know it , but our gentle conversation this morning helped me in a way that he would never understand . Being treated with kindness and respect is something that meant more to me than his willingness to assist me by serving as a volunteer . These past few years have been difficult , and I have been stripped of my trust in my fellow man . I am like an abused dog at the animal shelter . You know the one . The little guy who cowers in the back . All the other dogs horn in and grab the food first . She doesn 't step up to the cage when people come in looking for a pet . She hangs back . She is wary . She doesn 't know whether the hand reaching out towards her is going to hit her or pat her on the head . She startles easily . She doesn 't like loud noises , because LOUD reminds her of yelling . I am that scared little dog in the back of the cage . It is not impossible to turn that poor little dog around . All she needs is consistency . She needs to be removed from the situation that caused the distress . She needs to be around people who are kind and gentle . She needs to learn to trust again . Late this afternoon , I sent the kind gentleman an email thanking him for taking time out of his day to meet me for coffee . I thanked him for agreeing to assist me as a volunteer . I told him how much I enjoyed our conversation and told him that I would enjoy sharing a cup of coffee with him anytime he would like some company . Before you get the wrong impression , this man was elderly . There was NO possibility of mixed signals ! I simply enjoyed his company , his intelligence , and most of all , his kindness . 1 Comment Posted on October 7 , 2011 It was great to see Andrew last weekend . I picked him from the train station on Friday afternoon , and we headed straight to the grocery store . I wanted to make sure that he had everything he wanted to eat during the time he was back home . As we drove home through the countryside , he said how much he enjoyed riding in a car again . His commute in the city entails blocks of walking to the train station and then more walking once he gets downtown . He loved riding in the car and couldn 't wait to get home and drive his own car . As we rode along , he kept saying , " Oh , it 's so beautiful here . I love this place . " Interesting . All we had heard from him for the past year was how much he " hates it here " and what a dead - end place this is to live . Very interesting what a month in the city and away from family can to do change a person 's perspective . He grabbed his laptop out of his bag as we drove . He wanted me to read a story for a screenplay that he was working on for a class project . Read it ? I reminded him that I was driving the car . He read it to me . It was really wonderful , and I was impressed with his writing style , but that wasn 't what touched me the most . He talked about what inspired him and his thoughts behind the story he had written . It was absolutely wonderful to see him excited and engaged in this project . Andrew didn 't spend a great deal of time at home during his brief visit , but that was OK . T and I had plans of our own , and we were happy to see him catching up with this friends . He called me on Saturday afternoon . He was walking home from a friend 's house to hang out with us for a while before we all went our separate ways for the evening . Once again as we talked , he kept saying how beautiful it was here , how good it smelled , how much he loved the fresh air . I knew where he was walking . He was along one of my favorite roads next to a field of tiny , but dramatic little hills . This time of year , the little hills are sparkly and golden in the sunlight . On Sunday morning , Andrew was quiet . He had to be at the train station by noon , and I could tell that he wasn 't looking forward to leaving so soon . None of us mentioned it , though . He needed to go back to Chicago , and we needed to make it as easy as possible for him to leave once again . As much as I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him that everything would be OK , I reminded myself that he wasn 't my little boy anymore . He was a grown man , and as his mother , I needed to be strong enough for him to leave with his self - respect intact . I knew he was struggling to keep it together as he faced going back to a life that was full of stress , fear of the unknown , frustration , and a little scary . I made it through the goodbye at the train station without shedding a tear , and sent him on his way with a smile on my face . Honestly , it was a relief to have him back in the city . I 'm proud that he is taking this leap to pursue his dream . I know it isn 't easy . The work is difficult , the hours are long . Being back home is probably appealing to him on some level , but it isn 't where he should be at this point in his life . It 's time for him to grow up , and with this child I feel like I am literally having to push him out of the nest . All the while , I miss him . I want him home ! I miss my buddy . I didn 't hear from him on Monday . On Tuesday night he called me and said that coming back home , and then having to go back to Chicago , had not been easy for him . He said it was a struggle just getting out of bed on Monday . I knew that . I had felt uneasy all day on Monday . Andrew was on my mind . Thankfully , his excitement for school had pulled him out of the doldrums . It will just take some time for him to adjust . He wants it to happen NOW . I can 't imagine where he gets his impatience ! 😉 Last night I got a call from Andrew . " Mom , do you have a copy of my lease ? " Yes , I did , and I wondered why he wanted to know . Well … it turned out that he had locked himself out of his apartment when he went down to do laundry . I searched the lease for a phone number , called it , and of course , I got an answering machine . He said that he had a number for the building superintendent , but it was inside of his locked apartment . Ugh ! I felt so helpless . T called him and told him to try to pick the lock . Andrew found a piece of plastic and attempted that to no avail . T was ready to leave the house and drive to Chicago . Andrew 's phone was dying . I was getting scared . Just this week a homeless man stabbed two people on the Red Line at the station near his apartment . The day before , a robbery had taken place at the Starbucks near his school while he was there ! I imagined my son standing outside in the dark , a target to all the crazies of the city . It was such a helpless feeling . He didn 't know one person living in Chicago that he could call , and neither did I . Thank God for the Internet ! My moment of panic only lasted for about a minute until the Rational Mom kicked in . I found a locksmith in his neighborhood , called him , paid his exorbitant after - hours fee over the phone , and Andrew was back in his apartment in less than an hour . Later he called me . He had made dinner , finished his laundry , and calmed down . He called and said that he felt like such a screw - up . He felt stupid . Ha ! I told him that this was just a dumb mistake and nothing to feel stupid about . It 's how we learn . It 's how we grow up . It was just a glitch . Probably , the first of many to come . That 's life . Pick yourself up , brush off the dust , and move on .

I found another website that untoons toons . I don 't think they are as well done as Pixeloo , but they have an extensive " library " . Might be interesting to check out . . . Worth1000 . com Posted by Thank goodness for good friends ! I called Robert last night to confirm where we would be meeting to pick up the new couches and he told me he had come down with something and wasn 't feeling well . I know plenty of people , so I told him to get well and passed the news onto Travis . He ran next door and recruited JR to help ( awesome , cuz I have virtually NO arm muscles ) . Everything went quite smoothly actually . We drove to the seller 's apartment in Travis ' new truck and the guys loaded the couches while I carried the cushions and held the gate open for them . We took a five minute break so they could catch there breath before heading back to the houses . And guess what ? It didn 't even rain on the way home ! AND the couches didn 't fall off the truck ! These are all fears I have EVERY time we move something in a pickup . ( See : the trim incident ) JR helped us move the old couches out of the way and bring the new ones in . Travis likes them , except that they are higher than the old couch . I think it just needs a couch potato to break them in . We are keeping the futon for a month so my brother has a better place to sleep than an air mattress during his visit . Seriously guys - these couches were a steal . Big couchLove seat ( even looks good with the new curtains ) To make room for the futon in the study , we had to move this chair out into the living room . It pretty much matches the new couches and it makes for more seating in the most - used - room of the house . I just may keep it in here ! Yesterday was utter chaos . I helped Ariel and Robert move into their new apartment in the afternoon . IT WAS SO HOT OUTSIDE . I think it was 93 degrees with a humidity of 91 % . YUCK . We were all drenched . I think that they have enough stuff for two places between the both of them . They are hoping to upgrade to a two bedroom apartment soon . The one bedroom is very limiting for them . After the move , I ran to check out a couch and love seat that I found for sale via a flyer on a bulletin board at work . They are selling for $ 200 which seemed like a steal , so I jumped right on that . I really like them so we are going to pick them up tonight . I just hope Travis likes them , too . I am a little nervous because the fabric is such a light color . That could be irritating in the future - due to all the cat and dog hair that I live with . Thank goodness for lint brushes ! It will be a huge pain in the ass to move them out of the seller 's apartment . The front door is absolutely tiny and the staircase down to the first floor is a winding one . I think it 's worth it though . Granted , I won 't be the one maneuvering the stuff around . Robert is returning the moving favor by helping us pick them up . I 'm hoping I 'll be able to carry the couches from the truck into our house . I 'll be sure to get some photos up for you . Teehee . After looking at the couches I ran back to Ariel and Robert 's new apartment ( with an ocean view , might I add ) and we ate a spaghetti dinner on their balcony . Ariel had to be at work at 8pm , so I went home to take Travis over to pick up the truck . We need it to pick up the couches tonight . Travis convinced Chris to let us take it a few days in advance ! Travis drove it to work today . I know he is super excited , but he tries to play it cool . I hope he doesn 't plan on ever having me drive that thing . It is huge ! WOW . I have been busy at work lately ! It 's a good thing I suppose . Although it has been emotionally and mentally draining . . . Last night Travis and I went to test drive the new truck he is buying from our friend Chris ' dad . It 's a great truck and Travis is very excited to make it his own . We are just waiting on paperwork at this point . Buying a vehicle through a private party is a lot of work ! I 'm starting the countdown to my dad and brother 's visit . My dad is coming on June 3rd and he 's staying for about three weeks . It is undecided how long my brother will stay . I want him to stay the whole summer because I miss him , but my dad really wants him to get a job . I understand that and I know it is an important thing for him to learn . Hell , I started my first job the week I turned 16 ( so my parents wouldn 't have to drive me ) . I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH LITTLE BRO . Either way , I 'll get several weeks of quality time in . I am driving to New Orleans to pick them up from the train station . We won 't be back until late . My friend Sara has decided to start her own blog ! I am addicted to blogs , so I look forward to another one by someone I know . Check out Sara 's Satire whenever you get a chance . She wrote her first entry yesterday . I put a link up in the margin for easy access later . = ) It was technically a three - day weekend at my job , but I ended up having to come into work twice . I still managed to fit in lots of David / Stephanie / Wednesday time though . They were supposed to get in on Friday evening , but Stephanie had to work late . They didn 't reach Houston until midnight , so they decided to stay the night at David 's grandmother 's house . Friday night we stayed in and played Three Man , a dice game , with Sara and JR . Phew , that is a bad game to play if you have anything to do the next day . We were all feeling a little out of it Saturday . Diaper BoyHave you ever heard of the song Superman by Soulja Boy ? David and Stephanie got to my house at about 10am Saturday and we made the most of our day . David 's mom came with to watch Wednesday at David 's grandmother 's house and she wanted to go out to lunch at Pappasito 's . I was thoroughly disappointed to find out Wednesday would not be staying the weekend with us , so I was 100 % up for driving to north Houston to see her . I tell you what , that child is just SO precious . She 's turned into quite the chunker , but its a huge improvement from her premie body . = ) We were back that night a little after Travis got home from work . Since we had such a late lunch , we decided to go see a movie before dinner . Travis scarfed down popcorn the whole time , so he didn 't have much of an appetite afterwards . We saw the movie Iron Man and it was GREAT . Robert Downey Jr . was awesome as the hero . I recommend it to anyone who likes action films . That 's another DVD I 'll be adding to our library . Travis was still working 10 - hour days , 7 - days a week , so we went up to Houston on Sunday without him . Stephanie had planned a surprise visit to a comic book convention for David . He LOVES Marvel comics ( Iron Man was an appropriate film for the weekend ! ) and this would have been his first comic book convention , had it not been cancelled . I was disappointed and Stephanie was so upset she started to tear up for a minute ! We had planned to go shopping at the mall with David 's mom after the conventPosted by The Sundance Channel has a new short series called Green Porno where actress Isabella Rossellini reenacts bug sex . They are mostly disturbing , yet strangely I cannot look away . The last two , Fly and Praying Mantis , shake me the most . This is probably not a children - friendly series . . . Not a whole lot to write about today . Tuesday night we went up to Chris and Alexa 's for Chris ' birthday . Wednesday night I went with Sara and she picked out her wedding dress . After that we all went out for dinner and margaritas . Last night I stayed home and cleaned . And tonight David and Stephanie are coming to stay for the weekend ! Which means Wednesday is coming too ! Have a great weekend . . . I have to give Travis some props today . He has been working seven days a week , 10 hours a day at the plant for several weeks now and he is still managing to get work done around the house . Last night I went with Sara and a couple of our girl friends to help her pick out her wedding dress . When I got home at the end of the night , Travis had completed numerous tasks , including yard work and replacing the locks on all our doors . He mowed the lawn and edged with the weed eater . He meticulously edged each stone that leads up to our front door from the driveway , which is awesome because I could no longer find the first two . He also picked up dog poop from the back yard and sprayed the yard deodorizer . I 'm VERY excited about this because I hope to be able to actually enjoy our backyard when David and Stephanie come to visit tomorrow . All of our door locks on the house and the garage now have the SAME key . It was very satisfying to throw away several keys from my key ring . Travis had attempted to change the lock on the front door a few days ago , but the bolt didn 't line up with the door jam . It was nearly impossible to get in and out of our house . Picture me leaving in the morning with my purse , lunch , coffee and occasionally my breakfast , trying to turn the lock while systematically kicking the door with each nudge of the key . I was extremely grateful to find that he had fixed this problem last night . ALSO ! He flipped the door around on the garage . I don 't know what idiot put that door on so that you walked into the water heater instead of the side with the light switch , but my handyman took care of that too ! He was a busy man last night and it only took three beers to finish everything . What a hero ! It seems that this game of Liverpool Rummy is becoming a regular occurance . I 'm totally digging game night . = ) We played a round this past Sunday . It went quicker than normal , probably because we had less people . Not that having fewer people in the game makes it go quicker . When there are a lot of people ( which is fun too ) , it 's sometimes hard to keep track of whose turn it is and which cards are on the table . This was just a leisurely evening in PJ 's that I caught on camera . I almost didn 't make it to the start of the game because I was SO WORN OUT from diving at Moody Gardens that afternoon . I was worried I wouldn 't be able to lift my arms to feed myself dinner . Travis was awesome and prepared the meal , which meant a little less work . He got a wild hair up his ass and bought a bottle of Tanqueray . I knew if I had one sip of booze I 'd pass out face first on the table , so I skipped out on a glass . The GameMy sleepy hubbyLogan is still a little frightened of Callaway , but he 's getting better . I thought this was hilarious , so I got a pic before they were posed . They just wanted to play ! Doggie Hug . Dexter and Callaway This past Saturday I went to crawfish boil number four of this season . It was a wedding reception for JR 's older sister , Lacy . Her and her husband were married in Las Vegas a few months ago and decided to have a party back home to celebrate with their friends and family . Lucky for me , I 'm a friend of a family member . I carpooled with JR and Sara on the hour drive to get there . Sadly , it was cloudy almost the entire time we were there . It was supposed to be warm and sunny so that everyone could swim in the pool . I really wanted to get in ( I love pools ) , but there were too many kids for it to be any fun . It seemed like everyone there had a child between the age of three and 13 . The crawfish was good and spicy , straight from the first pot . There were also plenty of appetizers and of course , the wedding cake ( and cookies ) for dessert . This is a photo of Lacy and I . You can tell by the look on my face that I am confident that there is smoke coming out of my mouth . Their friend brought two of these tables - they were awesome . They are made specifically for eating crawfish . The top was made out of metal for easy clean up and there were two squares cut out so that trash bags could be placed underneath . That way you could just throw away the shells and corn cobs as you ate . Wow . They mean serious business when it comes to crawfish . JR threw Logan in the water until his lips turned blue . Poor kiddo ! None of the adults wanted to get in the water because it was too cold . Lacy and JR 's other sister Brittany passed around this wonderful dessert . It was a strawberry that had been soaked in Kahlua and partially hollowed out so that it could be filled with a shot of Amaretto and topped with whipped cream . Delicious . I definitely plan on trying that at home . On the ride home from the crawfish boil , JR got a call from his friends Ashley and Scott . They invited us to meet them at the Strawberry Festival just outside of Houston . We went up there and had a couple drinks , but I didn 't have a single strawberry ! Bummer . At least I got the dPosted by I feel like I was run over by truck . My entire body is screaming . My abs are screaming . My rib cage , my back , my shoulders , my neck , my jaw , my butt , my thighs - all screaming . On top of that , I have bruises on my knees , ankles and ARMPITS . It all hurts . I 'm still trying to decide if it was worth it . I got to do something that I 've wanted to do for a long time and I 'm not sure if I 'll ever do it again . I was part of the penguin tank cleaning dive yesterday in the freezing waters comparable to the " South Atlantic " . The whole thing was a huge ordeal for me , especially because it was my first dive in cold water . Because of this , I had to try on wetsuits to find one that fit properly . It took two tries , which isn 't bad . What made it so difficult is that the first one I tried was too small . I felt like I was wrestling a new skin for myself . And it was a stubborn skin . I finally gave up and requested the next size up . Thankfully , I was able to get that one on without too much additional pain . Since it was just an ordeal to get the dang thing on , I wasn 't about to take it off to wait for my dive buddy ( who is also the dive safety officer - lucky me ) to get suited up . Instead , I sat in that neoprene sweating my butt off . The reason I have bruises in my armpits is because the suit is so thick that any bending , pushes hard on the joints . Strange place to be sore , let me tell you . Once it was time to get in the water , I was hot and ready to cool off ! It was definitely cold , but not as bad as I expected it to be . I wore a hood , gloves and boots , so the only skin exposed directly to the water were my lips . I 'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot trying to get into that water . I sure felt clumsy . We did this during open hours , so the guests got to watch me getting in . Awesome . I was lucky and had on just the right amount of weights so I didn 't have to adjust that at all . This was a cleaning dive , so the whole point was to get in and scrub crud . I took a few minutes when I first got down to check out the swimming penguins . They moPosted by I 'm not sure what Nutshell tv is , but this is a fun video with a nutshell in it . = ) I like the music . It says something about alternative music videos and independent short films . That website doesn 't seem to exist at this point , but if it ever does - I 'm on it ! Last night we had JR and Sara over for JR 's birthday dinner . His birthday was actually this past Tuesday and we were originally going to make the dinner for him on Monday ( Travis plays softball on Tuesdays and JR plays on Wednesdays ) . When Sara 's family found out it was JR 's birthday , they decided to stay an extra day and take them out for dinner on Monday . Therefore , our dinner was postponed until last night ( Thursday ) . Got it ? Good . Travis grilled steaks and potatoes on the grill , while I sauteed asparagus on the stove . The worst part of delaying the meal is I had to drool over those steaks every time I opened our fridge . Its strange because I rarely eat or want red meat , but when I do , I want it something fierce . Maybe I 'm deficient in iron when that happens ? After dinner , we had dessert and discussed their wedding and honeymoon plans . I baked a giant chocolate chip cookie and attempted to write " Happy B - day JR " on top in icing . Turned out I was only capable of fitting " JR " on top . Lol ! We took a break for a minute and kept Dexter and Callaway company outside . Then Sara broke out the game of Cranium . So fun . I suck at it , but its still awesome . I 'm hoping we 'll try Taboo next time . Another fave . Logan is growing up so fast . I always remember my parents ' friends telling me that same thing and thinking , " No I 'm not ! I feel like I 'll never grow up fast enough ! " Silly kids . I think that Logan is actually a little ahead of schedule when it comes to a lot of things though . He started walking at 10 months old and he 's already starting to talk . A sampling of his vocabulary includes " ball " , " mama " , " dada " and " De - der " , which is his way of saying Dexter . It really is amazing to watch him grow . So . I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with a Charlie Horse . Ahhh ! Those are the worst . Especially when you wake up to that . I think that is the third I have ever had in my entire life . Of course , I woke up this morning feeling like I had ran a marathon in my sleep . On just my left leg . Now I have this constant sensation like Posted by Now that I have my camera back , I was finally able to take a photo of the long awaited replacement curtains . I decided to go with long and white . Travis is going to cut a couple blocks to put behind the feet of the futon . I don 't want the curtains to get that mushed look . It still feels horribly plain in this corner of my home . I know part of this is because we are still missing a lamp on that coffee table . I also despise that futon , but it is all we have right now . Besides , it is helpful when we have multiple people stay at our house . I want to buy a cover for it , but I don 't know where to find those . Anybody ? I 'm afraid to buy anything online because I don 't know if it will fit or not . The other problem that we 've been having is that the cushion falls down in the back . I tried cutting holes in the fabric and running zip ties through and around the bars ( ghetto - fabulous , I know ) . Ya , that didn 't work . It helped a little , but the few on the top tore within a couple weeks . The cats sit up there during the day to look out the window and there is nothing I can do to stop them . The damage is already done , I suppose . Can you see Phage underneath the futon , laying on that folded blanket ? I love my kitties ! Well , most of them anyway . I 've been wanting to move that hanging plant to another location , but I haven 't been able to figure out where ( not to mention the planter is ugly ) . It is difficult to get much outdoor light in my house , so it will have to be directly in front of a window . I 'm hoping my next project will be to paint a tree stencil on the wall behind our TV in this room . I think that will add some pizzazz ( yes , I just said pizzazz ) to the room . Rachel already has the stencil . I just have to buy the paint and get the guts to do it . . . You 're never going to guess what happened last night . Actually , maybe you will . I was sitting at the kitchen table reading the Sunday comics , when I hear something drop into Callaway 's kennel . The only reason this was weird ( because Callaway is always going in and out of there ) is bPosted by Lastly , I bought some fish ( at PetSmart ) ! Hooray ! More often than not I have people asking me why I have an empty fish tank . I don 't actually , but I only have bottom feeders , which can be hard to spot at times . I was told that I cannot use the tap water here for a tank because the fish will not survive . ! ! ! What does this say about my drinking water ? ! ? ! Anyway , I bought Reverse Osmosis water and did a water change about a month ago . I figured this was long enough for the tank to readjust before adding some more fish . I bought two Gouramis . Nothing crazy because I want to make sure they will survive before purchasing more expensive fish . Bottom feeders are like cockroaches - nothing can kill them - so I can 't go by their health . What do you think ? ( Please ignore the algae growing all over everything . ) There are 3 fish in this photo : two sucker fish and one Dwarf Gourami Staring at himself in the mirror ? Buddies : Dwarf and Blue Gouramis I didn 't get a picture of the plecostomus because he likes to hide in between the coral . He is in there somewhere . I had a saltwater tank when I was in high school , but it took up a lot of my time and my mom 's boyfriend - at - the - time helped me a bunch . This time I decided to stick with a freshwater tank . I don 't have much free time on my hands and I would hate for those expensive saltwater fish to fall through the cracks . We finished Sunday off with cards at Sara and JR 's house . Sara 's family was in town for Mother 's Day and they decided to teach Travis , JR and I how to play a card game that was popular in their home growing up : Liverpool Rummy . After Googling this , I found that we played the Florida variant of the game , with money . We had a great time . Sara and her sisters are hilarious together ! I told Sara that we 're going to have to play it more often ! Travis is still in the middle of a shutdown at work . Right now he is working 10 - hour shifts , seven days a week . It 's not as horrible as the first time Travis did this when he worked 12 - hour shifts , seven days a week . Talk about yuck ! I 'm glad I actually get to spend time with him in the evenings this time . On Sunday , Travis asked if I would bring him , and the three other guys who were working this weekend , lunch . I tried to go to this little fast food drive thru place , but it was closed for Mother 's Day . What ? ! It 's Mother 's Day . Not Christmas . Instead , I went to Whataburger . I don 't know if someone forgot to thaw the hamburger patties or what , but I had a 30 - minute wait for our food . Along with EVERYONE ELSE IN THE RESTAURANT . I really just don 't like Whataburger . I was getting worried I wouldn 't get the food to the guys before their lunch hour was over , but I made it in pretty good time . Sadly , I am not allowed in the plant so I could not eat with them . I figured this was a good thing because I had a kajillion errands to run and eating in the car got me on the move . I should not be allowed to eat in the Murano . As I was picking up my " bucket " of Coke , the top popped off and somehow I managed to spill the soda ALL OVER the front seat / steering wheel / center console . Ahhh ! Coke is NOT GOOD for leather . I swerved off the road and jumped out to throw all the ice out . Luckily , I keep a bunch of napkins in the glove compartment for just such an occasion so I was able to clean up the liquid . But still , everything was sticky . After the car was taken care of I looked down at myself and realized that the right leg of my white sweatpants was saturated with cold , brown soda . Lovely . I made a detour back home to eat in the safety of my own dining room , threw my pants in the washer before it stained and washed everything in the car . I feel like my entire Sunday consisted of me rushing from one place to another , only to be forced to wait for whatever I needed . After the Whataburger fiasco , I had to sit at Verizon for 30 minutes wPosted by First off , a belated Happy Mother 's Day to all the mothers out there ! ! JR proposed to Sara on Friday ! Sara knew that he was going to get the ring , so she was very disappointed when he got home and said he couldn 't get it . They had plans to go out and had an all night babysitter so Sara was ready to get going . Her frustration of no ring exaggerated her frustration of trying to get everyone out the door . With all these distractions , she didn 't notice that Logan was carrying around a ring box until he threw it at her . Lol ! As soon as she picked it up she knew what it was and her evening was made ! She had the perfect opportunity to show it off on their night out . Saturday we went to the beach so JR and his siblings could celebrate Mother 's Day with their mom . I stopped by for a few hours ( and didn 't even get burnt ! ) and got a few photos of Sara and JR 's happy family ( and the new rock ! ) . Life is good . Newly engaged . The ring . Still not sure if Logan is giving his cousin kisses or a bite ? Kids . . . 15 - week - old Dexter : Sara 's Mother 's Day present . PS - Obviously , I got my camera back ! Actually , they were unable to repair it so they just gave me a new one . Thank goodness for Service Plans ! ! ! Travis got a crazy call yesterday . He couldn 't hear the guy on the other end very well , but he was screaming something about suing Travis for running into him . I 'm thinking it was one of the guys from the 4 - car pile up . What I 'm wondering is HOW THE HELL DID HE GET TRAVIS ' PHONE NUMBER ? ! ? ! Travis said maybe its written on the police report , which is public record . He 's going to get a copy and see if that 's it , plus it wouldn 't hurt to have for our records . I 'm nervous that our address could be on there too and I 'm going to find some wacked out guy waiting for me on my doorstep when I get home . Ah ! I guess this guy said he was going to come after Travis for the damages done to his vehicle . We don 't know who it was exactly , but he was nuts ! Travis told him to call his insurance company and hung up . He could barely hear him anyway . Nutso . This is so much fun . I love this stuff . . . We had another momentary freak - out yesterday when we received a text message from our friend Miraj saying that someone called him looking for us and that we were hiding from him , then he gave the phone number . I was trying to figure out how Nutso - From - The - Previous - Paragraph could have found our friend 's phone number too . Travis called Miraj to find out what this was all about before he called the number . Turns out it was just a joke and it was the number to the Houston Zoo , but holy cow ! Talk about random . Thank goodness for a little joke here and there ! Anyhoo ! Yesterday sure was a scorcher . I think it got up to about 90 degrees ! It 's only supposed to get into the low 70 's today , which is perfect for my work picnic this evening . Travis is going to try to make it since he 's still getting off work at a decent time . No big plans for this weekend except I need to wash the car . Have a great weekend ! Travis is playing softball with another team this season and they play on Tuesdays . Shannon and Chris came up to watch his early game last night . We found out yesterday that our insurance adjuster has decided to total Travis ' truck out , which means he 's on the prowl for a new vehicle . We got even better news when they told me how much they are quoting the truck at , so we will be getting some money back for a down payment on whatever we get next ! ! Chris brought a description of his dad 's truck , that is for sale , with him up to the game . It 's a 2005 Dodge Ram crew cab with a V8 , towing package and a tool box . Everything Travis wants in a truck ! ! He probably won 't be able to get it for a month because we have to wait for everything to be finalized with the insurance company and the lender we used for the S10 . In the meantime , Travis is pimpin it in the Neon . LOL ! This video just made me laugh and laugh ! I 've watched it about 20 times now . Maybe you have to know my friend , but either way I think watching two grown men do this is hysterical . Supposedly , they were testing out a new video camera to make sure it worked . You MUST turn the sound on for this one . . . Posted by SO ! After all the chaos last week , Travis and I decided to make the best of our weekend . Friday night we were supposed to go up for dinner at Chris and Alexa 's , but we postponed until Saturday because Chris got called out on ANOTHER flight . Thankfully it was only for a few hours so he was back by midnight . Instead , we stayed home and ordered a pizza and watched the movie Cloverfield . I was sooo excited about this film because I felt like there was all this hype about the monster . Well let me tell you , if you have ever had any motion sickness - DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE . This movie has been compared to the Blair Witch Project , which also caused nausea due to the uses of a hand held camcorder . I wasn 't worried though because I didn 't have any problems watching that one ( except that it scared the crap out of me ) . Besides being dizzy , I could barely tell what was going on because there was never a clear shot of anything and the entire film was extremely dark . Barf . Travis and I stared at the wall for 30 minutes just to get our bearings back . We ended up going straight to bed since neither of us felt very well . Saturday we got up bright and early to get a few quick things done around the house before heading to the beach . The day looked nice and the Weather Channel said we had a wonderful weekend ahead of us , but when we got to the beach , this dark ominous cloud rolled over and it got very chilly . When the clouds hit the ocean , something very strange happened . It looked like fingers reaching down to touch the water . Don 't know what it was , but it was cool ! We sat in the car for a few minutes to make sure it wasn 't going to rain , but were soon heading onto the sand to set up shop . I didn 't strip down to the bikini for about 15 minutes because of the chill , so when I finally did I FORGOT TO PUT ON SUNSCREEN . Bad Nikki ! Travis didn 't put any on either . That 's not unusual though because he thinks he 's invincible . I did remember after sitting in the sun for 30 minutes , but still , I 'm fried . Travis and I were a pitiful sight foPosted by It turns out that the insurance adjuster just took the truck on Friday . We won 't know for about a week what the verdict is on whether or not we 'll keep it . Travis is hoping it will be totaled because he 's worried that they won 't notice something , like a cracked block , that will cause us trouble down the line . He 's already been looking up trucks online . Ha ! My hope is that if it does get totaled out , there will be some money leftover to go towards a down payment on a new vehicle . Travis is confident that we 'll get something . I just worry about everything . Well , here 's the damage : I still don 't understand how the truck he ran into ended up ON Travis ' hood . That big dent above the right blinker is where the tire was sitting . Travis said he and a couple other guys had to lift it off so the tow truck could get to it . Crazy . Here 's hoping for a better week than last ! ! I 'd just like to add that today is my man David Beckham 's 33rd birthday . Here 's a link to a photo gallery that the radio station I listen to put up . THANK GOD FOR THIS GALLERY . = D Well , this evil week reared it 's ugly head again . I have almost felt guilt for the past year at all the good fortune that Travis and I have had . Our friends Chris and Shannon have unavoidable , sometimes horrific drama on a daily basis it seems and they are good people . They don 't deserve that . I always wonder how we have been so lucky . I think this week is making up for everything . Travis was driving home yesterday from working with his old boss and got into a car accident . This is UNbelievable . Shannon pointed out that we should be thankful that Travis still has a job so we are able to deal with this better . She also noted that Travis is okay . These are all things to be grateful for . Travis was driving down a fairly busy street when the truck in front of him slammed on his brakes . Travis slammed on his brakes also , but there was not enough time to stop before rear ending the guy . Unfortunately , the truck he hit did not have a rear bumper AND it was slightly taller than Travis ' truck so he drove UNDERNEATH it . Ahhhhh ! He said the tires were up by his windshield . Turns out , it was a four - car pile up , so Travis wasn 't the only one at fault . The first guy ran off , so no tickets were issued . Travis said his air bags didn 't deploy , but the engine was leaking all sorts of fluid . It wouldn 't start , so the tow truck took it away . Luckily , one of Travis ' work buddies was driving by and saw the accident so he turned around to keep him company and then drive him home . Just to be safe , Travis took the tool box and everything out of his truck back to the house . I had to laugh at the pile of his stuff in our garage when I got home . Another positive thing here is that we still have my old car . Travis is going to drive that around until we can figure out the replacement vehicle situation . The insurance adjuster is going to the wrecker lot to decide if the truck is salvageable . I am hoping we owe less than it is worth so we 'll get some money back for a down payment on a new vehicle . I am doubtful though . We are going to try to ruPosted by Yesterday was a roller coaster ride from hell . It was horrible . Travis called me almost first thing in the morning to tell me he was fired from his job . I think I had a minor heart attack right at that moment . He said he was sitting in the work truck with another co - worker while a third was getting their daily permit ( that they need before they can do any work ) and his boss came up and yelled at them for sleeping on the job . He slammed the door and walked off , so they weren 't sure what was going to happen . By the time they made it out to the job site , their foreman told them not to unload their tools and head straight to the office at the front . Of course , Travis knew exactly what that meant . He took it very maturely and didn 't throw a fit about it , even though it is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS . They have to sign a piece of paper stating why they are being fired and theirs said it was for sleeping on the job . Travis didn 't agree , but there was nothing he could do . I don 't understand how someone could make such a rash decision at a moment 's notice . It is insane to me that they would fire last month 's employee of the month because he was waiting for a permit that is REQUIRED to work in the plant . Travis immediately decided to go into Houston to apply at the plants . Since he has his Journeyman 's license now , he is eligible for more positions . Travis ' old boss , from when he did residential electrical , said that he could come back and work for him anytime , which is always a nice back up . Even though he would get a raise from what he was getting paid there before , it doesn 't quite cover what we need for our newest large purchase . When Travis applied at one of the locations in Houston , they really liked him and invited him back to take a written test in the afternoon . In the meantime , Travis applied at several other locations . He said the test was very difficult , but he passed it ! When he got out of his test , he found he had four missed calls and a text from his ex - direct - boss at the plant . Turns out he was able to convince thPosted by I grew up in central Illinois , but moved south of Houston , Texas in 2002 . I live with my husband Travis , son Aiden and daughter Mila in our first home . Most of our time is spent doing things as a family and I love it ! I also live with two cats and some fish . I work as a safety specialist at a research hospital and hope to make it my career . Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you stopped by .

As some of you know , this show is about two boys who are half brothers . The first is Lucas . He lives with his mom , Karen , and is good kid . He has a good relationship with his paternal uncle , Keith , but he has never really spoken to his real father , Dan . He works part time in his Uncle Keith 's garage . The second kid is Nathan . Nathan lives with his dad , Dan , and his mom . He is the high school basketball star , and even though he is kind of a rotten kid , everyone lets him get away with whatever he wants ( especially his dad ) . The brothers , Keith and Dan , do not like each other , and very rarely speak . Probably partially due to the way Dan treated Karen when she was pregnant years ago . Keith and Karen are good friends , and they both might be interested in being more than friends . Lucas has just joined the same basketball team as Nathan , and they are both really good players . Nathan hates Lucas because he is taking the spotlight off him . Lucas hates Nathan because Nathan is a mean kid who picks on him , and because he lives with the man who hurt his mother many years ago . Nathan has a girlfriend named Peyton . He treats her like dirt . Lucas likes Peyton , and would probably steal her away if she would let him . Lucas has a good friend named Haley . Nathan has gotten Haley to tutor him so that he can get in her good graces , and probably would turn her against Lucas if he could . During ' Crash Into You ' : Nathan invites Lucas to go to a party he is having at his parents beach house with about 50 to 100 friends . Lucas takes Haley . While they are there , Nathan plays a videotape of Lucas ' mom and their dad , Dan , from back in high school . The two are obviously in a relationship , and even talk of marriage someday . ( Dan is a huge ass even back then ) . Lucas didn 't know his mom had been in love with Dan , and didn 't know they had had any plans to be together before he was conceived . He is very upset by the video and walks out . Nathan thinks it 's very funny . Lucas leaves without Haley , and goes to drive around the city with his Uncle Keith 's tow truck to blow off some steam . Nathan sees Haley , and talks her into getting a ride home with him . He takes Peyton 's car , and drives Haley home . Then he goes to get some beer and heads back to the party . On the way , Nathan is looking down , and messing with the stereo when he swerves and side swipes a parked car . He ends up crashing into a telephone pole . Lucas happens to see this happen , and rushes over to see if Peyton is okay , only to see Nathan getting out of the car . Nathan gets his beer and starts to walk away . Lucas tells Nathan he can 't just walk away , because that is a crime and he saw him do it . Nathan tells Lucas that people at the party will vouch for him that he was there all night , and then it will be Lucas ' word against his . Lucas asks Nathan about Peyton , and Nathan basically tells Lucas that he will let Peyton take the blame , and he doesn 't care . Hit and Run Lucas was very pissed as he watched Nathan walk away . He also felt helpless . He kept trying to think of ways to make things okay for Peyton , but he wasn 't sure how since Nathan was being such an ass . He couldn 't imagine not owning up to doing something so awful . He was pacing , and went to sit on Keith 's truck while he thought . Then it came to him . He thought , ' I 'll tow Peyton 's car to Uncle Keith 's garage , and we can fix it together . But what about the other car Nathan hit ? I can 't go try to find the guy , or call the cops , because then they will want to know who was driving , and Peyton will still get blamed . I 'll leave him a note , and he can bring his car into the garage too . That should make him happy enough , even if it isn 't exactly legal . ' Lucas was quite happy with his plan , and left the note for the other car , and towed Peyton 's car to Keith 's auto shop . He didn 't want Keith to have a heart attack in the morning from the surprise , so he decided to call him and give him a quick explanation . Lucas called and said , " Hi Uncle Keith . " Keith knew that when Lucas wanted to put something off , that it was usually a bad thing , so he had been thinking about what to do . He said , " Yeah I hear you . You stay put . I 'll be there in a couple of minutes , and we 'll talk about it tonight . " Keith arrived , and Lucas told him the whole story . Keith sat patiently and listened to the whole thing without interruption . Then when Lucas stopped talking Keith exploded . He yelled , " You are helping to cover up a Hit and Run ! I can 't believe this . You know what you did is completely illegal right ? " Keith sighed and tried to reign in his temper . He said in a slightly more calm voice , " Lucas , you don 't know what would have happened . Nathan may or may not have gotten off , but it wasn 't your decision to make . And even if Nathan got off , that doesn 't automatically mean Peyton would have been the one to take the blame . I 'm sure she had lots of friends at the party who would have vouched for her too . " Lucas was mad at her , and feeling bad for her at the same time since watching the video . He really didn 't think he could handle her being mad at him for doing something wrong at this point . He said , " She has lots of stuff to deal with right now . I think it might be better if you didn 't tell her . " Keith gave a short laugh , and said , " I 'm not going to tell her . YOU will be telling her . You are damn well going to take responsibility for your actions tonight , both with me here at the garage , and with your mom at home . You can 't just make bad decisions , and expect us to make things all better for you . " Karen didn 't think this sounded promising . She knew the other kids were giving Lucas a hard time , and that Nathan was at the head of it . She sat down and said , " What happened ? " " You never told me that you and Dan had plans before you got pregnant . You never told me you were thinking about getting married ! You let me think things between you weren 't serious , but they were . Now they have everything , and we have nothing . They go around screwing everyone else , and we all have to play by the rules . You should have made him pay . " Karen wasn 't sure where Lucas had heard all this . She didn 't think it was the kind of thing that Dan would brag about to Nathan , but she couldn 't imagine where else he would have heard it . She said , " Where did you hear all this ? " Lucas came over and sat next to his mom . She put her arm around his shoulders and said , " Don 't ever think that Lucas . This is the life I chose . Lots of people seem to think that I 'm the victim in this story , but that 's just not true . I love the life that we have . I 'm happy , and I thought that most of the time you were too . " Karen went on to say , " I 'm glad Dan never offered to help . I know there were times that I might have accepted , even if I never would have asked . But if he had helped pay for you , then he would have felt that he had a right to say how you were raised , and I could have never allowed that . Look how Nathan turned out . " Karen decided to close that subject for the time being . It was emotional for both of them . She said , " Keith called . He said he was expecting you to show up at the garage today as soon as I 'm done with you . Do you know what he meant by that ? " Lucas thought fast . He really didn 't want to have a big fight with his mom right now . They had just made up , and he was still feeling bad about what he had said to her last night . He thought , ' I 'll tell mom about the whole car thing , but just not right now . It 'll be bad enough spending the day with Keith working for free ; I don 't want to spend the night in my room grounded too . He said , " I told him I would help him in the garage today , because he has a big job , but I knew you wanted me to get this yard work done first . " As Lucas walked to the garage he thought about Nathan and the things he got away with . It really pissed him off that Keith was so mad at him , when he had tried to do the right thing , and even more upset that he wanted him to tell his mom . He really didn 't want to be grounded . It didn 't happen very often at all , and he thought it sucked . His mom was very strict about it when he got grounded . No TV , no computer , not even any phone , and lots of extra chores every day . He felt like telling his mom would mean that he would have to pay twice for the same crime when Nathan didn 't have to pay at all . By the time he got to the garage he was in a bad mood . Keith on the other hand was in a better mood . He wasn 't nearly as mad as he had been . He saw Lucas walk in and decided to joke with him . He said , " I see you 're still alive , so you must not have told your mom yet . " Lucas didn 't think this was funny at all . In fact it made him angrier . He thought about it and said , " Yes I did tell her . I told her this morning . She 's busy thinking about punishments now . " Keith was pleased Karen was going to do right thing as far as he could tell . He smiled and said , " Good . Do you recognize that car over there ? " Lucas was happy to turn and look , because he was sure his uncle would be able to tell he had lied if he had to keep facing him and talking about it . He looked and saw the other car . He said , " It 's the car Nathan hit . " Lucas looked at Keith as if he had been betrayed . Keith looked at him with a don 't give me any crap look and said , " You may be willing to just let Nathan walk , but I 'm not . He 's a kid just like you , and his parents have the right to know about it when he screws up as badly as he did last night . " Nathan and Lucas were now too busy glaring at each other to pay any attention to Keith . The phone rang , and as Keith walked away to answer it he said , " Try not to kill each other girls . " Nathan was always uncomfortable around Keith and was happy to see him go . He said , " I 'm not here to help . I just came to tell you that my dad says when you 're done , you can give us the bill , and we will pay for everything . " Keith put a hand on Lucas ' shoulder and said , " I 'm sorry it doesn 't seem fair to you , but I 'm not comparing the two of you . What he did is so much worse than what you did that the two don 't really compare . If I were in charge of Nathan , you had better believe he would be more than just grounded . You made a bad choice , and you should be punished for it , so that you don 't end up like Nathan or Dan . " Lucas still thought the whole situation was unfair , but he could tell his uncle was very serious , so he just looked down and didn 't comment . They both got back to work as soon as Keith called Nathan 's mom and accepted the offer to pay for the repair of the two cars . As dinner time was getting close Keith said , " Okay Luke . I think were done for the day . You did a good job helping me . Go get cleaned up and ready to go home . " " Okay . I 'll expect you here to work again all day tomorrow since it 's Sunday . I 'm sure your mom will have plenty of time to give you extra chores , and make you miserable after the cars are fixed . If she needs you to do something else tomorrow , just have her call me . " Lucas nodded and headed for home . He knew he should tell his mom . He knew if he didn 't tell her , that she would most likely find out , but he wondered what the possibilities of that really were . He spent the rest of the walk home thinking of all the ways that she might find out , and how he could fix it so she wouldn 't . He would probably have to work with Keith the rest of the week after school to fix the cars , so it wouldn 't be like he would have any free time anyway . He figured he could make it work with a minimum of lies . He knew if he had to lie too many times they would find out , because he wasn 't very good at lying , and it always made him feel bad too . But he also knew that he was pretty smart , and he could come up with things that weren 't exactly a lie . For example he could tell his mom when she asked , that he really wanted to help Keith with this new project , because it was true . And when Keith asked him about being grounded , he could just stick to the facts of what he had done the night before . He would just have to do something like swish the toilet brush around in the bowl for a few seconds , and then he could tell his uncle that he had cleaned the bathroom . The more he thought about it the happier he was with his plan . Things went really well for Lucas until Thursday . He and Keith had finished both cars on Wednesday . Keith had seemed very pleased , and said he would see him on his usual Saturday , and he could start getting paid for the work he did again . Lucas hadn 't had to lie much at all . Because he was spending so much time with Keith , his mom and Keith didn 't have much of a reason to call one another , because they trusted Lucas to pass on any messages . Lucas was walking home from school on Thursday , and thinking about all the things he planed to do on Friday and Saturday night now that he was free from fixing the cars . It was dark out , and almost time for dinner since he had been to basketball practice after school , so he didn 't see his uncle 's tow truck in the driveway until he was in his front yard . Lucas couldn 't believe his luck . He smiled a huge smile and said , " It was just great , but I 'm hungry . What 's for dinner ? " Lucas realized his mistake the second it was out of his mouth . They didn 't really have desert most of the time , unless someone was coming for dinner , so he was looking forward to it , but of course his uncle had seen his mom refuse to give Lucas any when he was grounded before . His uncle had even argued with his mom about it being cruel , but his mom was very strong willed about some things . Lucas looked at his mom , and his uncle . Then his eyes darted around the room trying to think quickly . Keith got a very grim look on his face , and his voice took on a deadly serious tone when he said , " You didn 't tell her did you ? " Lucas didn 't know what to say , and the lump in his throat made it very difficult to say anything . He could feel his face getting bright red as he stared at his plate . Keith said , " I can 't believe you lied to me Lucas . " He looked to Keith for help , and Keith shook his head no . He said , " Oh no mister . You are gonna tell your mom what you did right now , and I guess I 'll have to stay here to make sure you actually do it , since I can 't trust you to tell me the truth about it . " Lucas didn 't think his face could get any redder . He looked down at his plate and kept his eyes plastered to it when he said , " Last Friday I was driving Uncle Keith 's tow truck home , and I saw Peyton 's car swerve and hit a parked car , and a telephone pole . I went to see if she was okay , and found out it was Nathan driving . Nathan was just going to walk away and let the cops blame Peyton , and I decided not to let him . I took Peyton 's car to the garage , and left a note on the parked car to bring it to the garage the next day . " Lucas nervously took a drink of his water and said , " Uncle Keith was unhappy about what I had done , and told me I would have to pay for it myself , and help him fix the cars for free . As it turned out Keith also called Nathan 's parents and they paid for the damage . I already helped him fix both cars and they 're done , so really it 's all taken care of . " Lucas decided he was already in trouble , so it wouldn 't hurt if he clarified that he hadn 't really lied much at all . He said , " No you just assumed I was grounded . I just told you what I had done at home each night . " Keith was speechless . Karen was now very angry . She said , " I can 't believe you Lucas . Are you really going to sit there and try to make us see how your extra deceitfulness is a good thing because there was less actual lying ? " Karen stood up and said , " You , young man , are SO grounded . You can go to your room right now and get ready for bed . I 'll be up in a little bit , and we can talk about what the next few weeks are going to be like for you . " Lucas felt a wave of shame at being yelled at in front of his uncle , especially when he knew he deserved it . He was happy to go and get out of the line of fire . He practically ran up the stairs and to his room . He paced for a while , and soon went to the bathroom to brush his teeth . He took off his clothes , and as he was putting on his pajama bottoms that he usually slept in he heard his mom yell ' No ' . He thought that was odd , because he had never heard his mom seriously argue with Keith to the point of yelling . He knew it was about him , and that made him feel even worse . He paced barefoot around his room for a while , and wondered how long it would be before his uncle left , and his mom came up to read him the riot act . He knew it was going to be a bad one , and that by the end he might even be crying because of what his mom would say to him . She really knew how to lay on the guilt when he was in the wrong . He thought of how much he was going to miss his computer for the next few weeks . He hoped that by a ' few ' his mother had really meant two weeks . Lucas was left in his room to stew for about half an hour . He was very jumpy by the time there was a knock at the door . He sat on the end of his bed and said , " Come in . " Lucas was shocked to see Keith standing in his doorway . He even tried to see behind his uncle to look at his mom who wasn 't there . Keith came in and shut the door behind him . He looked at Lucas who looked a bit confused , and very nervous . Keith spotted Lucas ' desk chair and dragged it over to sit down in front of Lucas . Keith sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands together . He was looking directly at Lucas when he said , " Your mother and I have had a long conversation . " " I just thought it wasn 't fair . ou were already making me work for free , and then Mom and I had a fight Friday night . e made up in the morning and I didn 't want to wreck that . hen I kept thinking about Nathan " Lucas looked up , and saw the disappointment in his uncle 's face . Keith said , " I told you not to compare yourself to Nathan , and that I don 't want you to turn out like him . In fact , I 'm very committed to making sure you don 't , and your mother is in agreement . " Lucas looked away and said , " I 'm nothing like him . I wouldn 't do the things that he does . I would never walk away from a wreck like that . " Keith counted to ten in his head to make sure he didn 't yell . He said , " Yes Lucas , you did . You know as well as I do that not telling the whole truth is the same as a lie in this house . " Lucas didn 't have anything to say to that . Keith said , " Covering up your actions just because you don 't want to be in trouble is wrong Lucas . I don 't care how big the mistake was . When a man makes a mistake he owns up to it no matter what . You didn 't act much like a man this week . You took the coward 's way out . You acted like you were eight instead of sixteen . " Lucas felt like crying as he nodded , and decided he would have much rather had his mom do the lecturing . Keith sighed and tried to get his courage up . He said , " Your mother and I have decided that we can 't let this go . She is going to ground you , but I am going to punish you too . Because you flat out lied to me , and covered it up , we have agreed that you deserve to be spanked . " Lucas felt like he couldn 't breath from the shock . His eyes got very round as he looked back up at his uncle . He stammered , " W what ? Lucas shook his head no as he felt his uncle pull him closer . Keith said , " Yes Lucas . " And put enough force in the pull to yank a stunned Lucas over his lap . Lucas started to struggle , but Keith already had him in position . Keith wrapped his left arm around Lucas ' waist to keep him in place , and gave him six quick swats with his right hand . Lucas went completely still at the sound and feel of the first swat . He couldn 't believe his uncle had just hit him , and that it had stung . Keith noticed that Lucas was very still now , and took advantage of that to adjust him a little so his butt was on the center of his right thigh . He stretched out his left leg to lower it so that Lucas ' butt would be way up in the air . Then he used his right hand to yank down the pajama pants . Lucas started to struggle wildly when he felt his pants go down . He kept thinking , ' this can 't be happening to me . ' Keith started to spank his nephew even harder . He spanked the same spot a few times before moving to the next spot . He knew from experience that it was a quicker way to make it painful without doing any real damage . Keith couldn 't help but think about his father , and that if his father had done this more to Dan that he would have turned out better . Lucas soon found his voice . He said , " Ooww . You can 't . . uch D this . Ow w to me ! " 520 Keith didn 't say anything . He was fully prepared to deliver a very thorough spanking no matter what Lucas said . Lucas knew his mom could hear what was happening . He thought the whole block could probably hear it . He couldn 't believe she was just letting his uncle spank him . She hadn 't spanked him since he was five or six , and even then it hadn 't been more than a couple of swats . Soon the pain was too much , and Lucas tried to put his hand back to cover his butt . His uncle didn 't miss a swat as he grabbed Lucas ' wrist and held it at the small of his back . Lucas kicked his legs wildly to try and tip them over , but it didn 't work , and it didn 't even make Keith slow down . Soon Lucas yelled out " I hate you ! " in between his grunts and owes . Keith didn 't respond to what he knew was a temporary feeling . He just kept spanking the boy . Very soon after that , Lucas started to cry . Keith could tell , and he slowed down the pace a little , and concentrated on getting the sit spot . Lucas yelled in between gulps of air , " I 'm sorry . Ahh ! Uncle Keith , I 'm sorry ! Owww ! Uncle Keeeeith , Pleeeassse ! " Keith gave him about ten more swats and stopped . Keith took in a deep breath to try not to break down himself . He let go of Lucas 's wrist , and started to rub his back in what he hoped was a soothing way . Lucas just lay there and cried for a few minutes completely worn out from struggling . Keith said in a much calmer voice than he thought was possible , " Okay Lucas we 're done . " Keith put a hand on Lucas ' upper arm and pulled slightly . Lucas immediately stood up , and Keith did too . Keith turned to put the desk chair away while Lucas found his pajama pants , which had fallen to the floor , and put them back on . Keith turned around to see a very miserable looking boy . Lucas was hugging himself and looking at the floor while he tried to stop crying . Keith went to him and pulled him into a hug . Lucas was slightly taller than his uncle was , but when he felt the hug , he hugged him back and bent down so he could put his forehead down on Keith 's shoulder . He kept crying while Keith held him and rubbed his back . Keith said , " It 's gonna be okay kiddo . We 're going to both be just fine . " Lucas nodded and finally got his crying under control . He was pretty embarrassed that he had kept crying for so long after the spanking had stopped , but then he was embarrassed about so many things that had happened that night , that it didn 't seem to matter as much . Keith patted his back , and said , " You get into bed , and I 'll bring you some tissues and a glass of water . " Lucas let go and climbed into bed , and lay down on his stomach . He thought it was nice to hide himself under the covers . He thought maybe if he closed his eyes , he would find out it was really just a nightmare . He heard his uncle opening the door , and he could hear him whisper in a gentle voice , " Ah Karen , don 't cry , I already feel bad enough . He 's gonna be fine . I 'm gonna go get him some water . " Lucas didn 't think he could be more embarrassed about the whole thing , until he realized his mother must have been right outside the door listening to the whole thing . He knew she would have heard some of it , but if she had been right there , she would have heard everything . Lucas took some comfort in the fact that she was crying too , and that his uncle said he felt bad . Lucas put both his hands back to try and rub some of the stinging out of his butt , but it didn 't work . He heard footsteps and put his hands up by his pillow . He felt his bed dip as someone sat down . Keith said , " Here now . Drink some of this , and blow your nose . " Lucas peeked his head out of the covers long enough to do that , and then pulled them back over his head . Keith couldn 't help but smirk a little . He knew Lucas was very embarrassed , but he also knew that embarrassment was part of what made spanking work . He patted Lucas ' back and said , " Your mom 's gonna come talk to you now , and I 'm gonna go home . I 'll come see you tomorrow . I love you . " Lucas could feel the bed move as Keith got up , and he could hear his mom walking with Keith to the front door , and talking quietly . Once the door was closed he heard his mom come back into his room . He heard her turn off the light , and felt the bed when she sat next to him . She pulled at the covers and said , " Lucas honey , are you okay ? " Lucas didn 't resist , and soon found himself with his head resting in her lap , and his arms around her waist crying again . She rubbed his back and patted his head while he cried . She said quietly , " I know it was hard for you . It 's gonna be okay . Keith and I both love you , but you know that lying to us isn 't ever going to be something we can just let go . " They didn 't say anything else that night , and Lucas fell asleep with his head still resting in her lap . Karen sat there and rubbed his back long after he was asleep . She watched him sleep , and thought about his childhood . Around eleven , she started to yawn , and got up to go to her own room to get ready for bed . The next morning Lucas woke up early and very quickly remembered what had happened last night . He tried to go back to sleep so he could forget about it , but he had to pee , so it didn 't work . After he peed , he stood in the bathroom and thought about school . He didn 't know how he was going to get through the day , when just walking down the hall hurt . He looked at his butt in the mirror , and while there was no bruising , it was obvious that he had been spanked . He thought about the basketball game that was tonight , and showering after . He thought , ' I 'll kill myself before any of them get to find out about this ! ' He took a quick shower , which helped him to feel better , and went to his room and got dressed . He thought about what he could say to his mom to convince her to let him stay home . He didn 't have time to think about it for long , because he heard her knock at his door . He said , " Come in . " After Karen was dressed and ready she called Lucas down to eat some breakfast . He came down and looked at his chair while he put a hand back to rub again at his butt . Karen said , " I know it 's uncomfortable , but sit down and eat anyway . " Lucas grimaced as he sat , and ate as quick as he could . Soon he was done and got up . Karen said , " Not so fast . We need to talk . " Once they were settled Karen said , " You are grounded for two weeks , and during that time you are going to work extra for Keith . You will not be getting paid for any work that you do for the next two weeks . I am really disappointed that you to lied to us , and tried to cover up what you did . " Lucas looked up a bit startled . He wasn 't sure he wanted to see him just yet . Karen said , " You need to see him sometime , and I think the sooner the better . He loves you Lucas , and last night was really hard for him too . " Lucas wasn 't sure he believed that , but he just nodded . Karen said , " And since you 're grounded , and since I 'm having some trouble trusting you right now , Keith will be here to make sure you don 't have a fun day . I think he said he was going to bring over lots of study material for you . " She patted his knee as the doorbell rang . By the end of the day , Lucas did know way more then he wanted to know about the law regarding hit and runs , but he also felt better about his relationship with his uncle . He thought things would be changed forever between them , but by the end of the day , things felt normal to him again . Email Author ( Feedback makes me happy . )

This started out as a blog to promote my novels . My penname is April Knight . It has now become somewhat of a political blog , although you 'll also find other topics as well . Except for the terrible intermittent trauma I suffered from my grandfather , my early adolescence was rather uneventful . I chose a musical instrument in sixth grade and joined the band . The band director , Dick Wyland , thought perhaps I should play trumpet or trombone . I insisted on the saxophone because Larry Ankrum was playing saxophone . He got tenor and I got alto . I loved it so much that I practiced between two and six hours every day . I played first chair alto sax all the way through junior high and high school . In junior high I went to Sunrise Park , located on the south end of White Bear Lake . The band director was Keith Woodbury . After ninth grade I won the band scholarship to band camp . It was given each year to the student who the director thought had made the most improvement during the year . I was so proud and excited , but as it turned out I couldn 't go after all . That was the summer my grandfather finally died . We had travelled to Nebraska for a summer visit , which was by no means unusual . We spent a few weeks in York at the home of my Aunt Dolores , Uncle Ben and Cousin Randy . My grandfather suddenly had a stroke and was taken to the hospital in Lincoln , which is about fifty miles east of York . My grandmother and I then went to stay with my cousin Dennis , his wife Helen and their two small children . They were renting a house in Lincoln because Dennis had been transferred there from Chicago by his company , Burlington Northern . My grandfather spent a couple of weeks in the hospital . My grandmother was there every day , but I stayed at my cousin 's house . Every day I would ride his bike around the east end of Lincoln . One day I was riding along when the rubber handgrip of the bike slipped off . I stopped to put it back on and noticed a rolled up piece of paper stuck inside the handlebar . I pulled it out and shamelessly read it . It was a love letter to my cousin Dennis from a woman who was not his wife . When I got back to the house , Dennis was out in the yard . I waved the letter at him and yelled , " Hey , Dennis , look what I found in the handlebar of your bike ! " Oh , I thought he was going to kill me . He grabbed it and made me promise not to tell anyone about it . By then I was very good at keeping secrets , so I never told a sould until I grew up and developed the habit of telling everyone everything . The next day my grandmother dragged me to the hospital to see my grandfather . I didn 't want to go under any circumstances , but I had to . When I stood uncomfortably next to his bed , he weakly grabbed my hand . It was almost as though he wanted to make amends , but I would have none of it . I jerked my hand away and fled the room . Later , back at my cousin 's house , I overheard Grandma say to Dennis , " I don 't know what made her run away from him like that . " I could tell she was disappointed in my behavior . I wondered what would happen if I told her , right then and there , why I hated Grandpa so much that I refused to be at his deathbed . I kept my mouth shut , though , and never told her as long as she lived . The telephone call from the hospital came that night as we were eating supper . My grandfather was dead . Oh , happy day ! Grandma , Dennis and Helen quit eating immediately . Helen comforted Grandma . I kept right on eating even though my stomach was very nervous and upset , mostly because I hated to see my beloved Grandma cry . The funeral and burial were back in Lincoln . My grandfather 's brother , nephew and grandnephew came from Wisconsin in their small plane . I rode the fifty miles back to York in the plane with the nephew Howard and his son Roger , who was only a couple of years older than me . That was my very first plane ride . I don 't remember anything about the funeral except sitting there in a chair at the chapel and wishing it were over . Any memories of the burial in York cemetery completely escape me . I do , however , remember the dreams I had afterwards . We were staying for a few days at Dolores ' home in York before we went back to Minnesota . Each night I dreamed that my grandfather was buried in a shoebox in Dolores ' basement . In my dream he was small enough to fit in the shoebox . I would go down to the basement and dig him up and stick pins in him . Sometimes I dreamed that he was coming after me , but then he always went back in his shoebox and was once again covered up by the dirt floor in my aunt 's basement . Grandma and I went back to the farm to live there alone . Bernadine and Diana came often to visit . I started my high school years at White Bear Senior High in White Bear Lake , Minnesota . Those were probably the best years of my life . I had my close group of girlfriends , which included Barb Conley , JoEllen Lammers , Arvilla Mortensen , Kathy LaMotte , Anita Axmark and Janine McKenzie . Barb played 2nd chair tenor sax in the band ( Larry , of course , played 1st ) . JoEllen and Janine both played alto . Barb , JoEllen , Kathy , Arvilla , Anita and I were all on an intramural girls basketball team that we called The Chipmunks , only because the cute boys we had crushes on were on the boys ' team called The Squirrels . White Bear High School had a great hockey team . Each of the three years I was in high school , from 1965 / 66 to 1967 / 68 , the team made it to the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament . Go Bears ! Of course we never won anything but the consolation prize , but it was great going to the games just the same . The pep band always got in for free . We all got on a bus and headed to downtown St . Paul for each of the days our team played . It was a rollicking good time . On the bus we always sang high school rah rah songs and flirted back and forth with the boys . We laughed and joked and didn 't have a care in the world . We were high school students in the 1960 's . The drugs and anti - war activities had not yet reached us . Another friend I had in high school was Debbie Koch . I met Debbie in creative writing class . She was a riot and had a great influence on my life . Debbie belonged to a drum and bugle and colorguard sponsored by Twin City Federal Savings and Loan . Soon I belonged to it , too . The drum and bugle consisted of all boys . They played trumpets , trombones and drums . Debbie and I were in the colorguard , which was comprised of all girls . Over a two year period , I marched in dozens of parades . We usually took first place in all of the parades . We travelled by bus to small towns in Minnesota and Wisconsin . Most of the parades were in the summer , but the exceptions were the St . Paul Winter Carnival and the Anoka Halloween Parade , as well as the Minneapolis Aquatennial . This was a wonderful part of my life and an experience I 'll never forget . There was a trombone player in the corps named Jim Peterson . He was also in the band at my high school . Our style was credited in great part to him , for he arranged many of Henry Mancini 's songs for our group . We marched to such tunes as The Pink Panter , Peter Gunn and Baby Elephant Walk . I loved that music and I loved the corps . Our leader was a man in his late thirties . He developed routines for the color guard . One of our most famous was the Headchopper . In this there was a lot of flag and rifle twirling . Then the rifle girls would suddenly stoop down while the flags turned suddenly with their flagpoles straight out . If a rifle girl did not stoop down fast enough , she could be hit in the head by the flagpole . Thus the name Headchopper . None of the rifles ever got hit , but there was a lady in the crowd once who did get hit in the head by a flag . She had ventured too far out into the street . Going to the parades by bus was a big thrill for us . Many times the teens would pair off and make out in the bus seats . One girl got the nickname of " two hundred mile makeout . " Another girl was called " boom boom " for obvious reasons . Debbie was called " blue boobs " because she once wore a blue bra underneath her regulation white blouse . There was one boy I used to make out with on the bus . I no longer even recall his name , but I remember he used to like to go at it hot and heavy . Once the group had a picnic at Sucker Creek . He got me in the woods and laid me down on the gound . He wanted to get in my pants , but I turned him down by pushing his hands away . Not only were the mosquitoes terrible that night , but I knew I was in no way ready to have sex at that young age . He became quite angry . I told him you could still have fun without doing that . We didn 't speak much after that . I found a different boy for my bus makeout partner . His name was Mike Sandman . He was a year younger than me , so that only lasted for a couple of bus rides . To this day I wonder whatever became of him . He was the type of boy who would be sure to make something of himself when he grew up . He was serious , intellectual , and very kind . The boy I liked the most was Tom Kostuch . He palyed trumpet in the corps and also in the school band . He was the closest I ever came to having a high school sweetheart . He even invited me to the prom when he was a senior and I was a junior . I remember being very surprised . I didn 't know how to answer him . I didn 't know how to dance . I told him I would let him know . I few days later I told him no because dancing was against my religion . Actually , the church I was going to left it up to each person to decide for herself , although they did rather frown on it . Anyway , it was a good excuse for me not to go to the prom . I just knew I would have been terribly embarrassed , both by my lack of ability to dance and by my lack of the necessary social graces that many of the girls who went to school dances had . These were the cheerleaders and the rich girls who lived in North Oaks and Dellwood . If I had it to do over , I would have gone . After all , I did have a great crush on Tom , and he was such a nice person that even if I had stepped on his toes he would not have minded . As it was , he graduated and went on to college . That was the last I saw of him until about six years later when I was working as a veterinary technician at the University of Minnesota Small Animal Clinic on the St . Paul Campus . At that time Tom was a graduate student at the College of Veterinarian Medicine . We did go out to lunch once , but I was already married with two children by that time . Many years later , when I was living alone with my kids and reflecting on my past , I kept thinking of Tom constantly . I was even having dreams about him . Finally I called one of his relatives . They told me he had died from cancer . He had left behind a wife and six children in Wisconsin and that his wife was also a veterinarian . I felt so bad . Tom was only in his early forties when he passed on . I added him to my list of people I knew who had died and gone to the other side . My grandmother and I lived on the farm until I was seventeen years old and a senior in high school . The farm was about a hundred years old . It consisted of a white frame two - story house with an open front porch and a closed back porch . There was a red henhouse , barn , brooder house and outhouse . There was also a little white pumphouse that pumped water from the well to the kitchen . When the water drained from the kitchen sink it went into the " sewer , " which was a pipe that led from the kitchen , under the driveway , and into a small drainage ditch on the slope at the side of the back yard . The henhouse was rather long and had a sand floor . One end had a garge - type door so that the old tractor could be housed inside . The barn was two stories . On the bottom of the west end was the two - car garage , although only one car was kept inside . tTe middle portion of the bottom of the barn was a room that contained cages that my grandparents had used to keep various animals in , such as rabbits . The east end contained stalls for the horses they used to have . The upper part of the barn was the hayloft , but by the time I came along there was nothing in it except piles and piles of pigeon poop . It was dried together in mounds , and my cousin and I used to walk across it to get to the hayloft door where the long , heavy rope hung . We would grab hold of the rope and swing ourselves out into the sky , then back again . Sometimes we would shimmy up and down the rope . The brooder house had a fence attached to the front of it and a yard that we called the brooder yard . In the yard was a large tree that I loved to climb . Diana and I often played in the brooder house . Of course , nothing was bred in there anymore , so it made a lovely playhouse for us . I spent hours sweeping it out and putting curtains on the windows . Then I dragged a little table inside and a few chairs . It became my clubhouse . One day Diana and I were inside when it began to rain . It came down in torrents . We decided we 'd better try to make it back to the house . I stood in the doorway trying to get up the nerve to make a run for it . Diana gave me a little push to help me make up my mind , and away I started to go . Unfortunately , I slipped in the mud and fell to the ground . I had a pencil in the pocket of my pedalpushers . The lead was pointing upwards . It went right into my side . I had to go to the doctor to have the lead removed , get stitches and get a tetnus shot . Once , several years before my grandfather had died , he had to go to the hospital by ambulance . He was throwing up blood clots . My grandmother must have thought he was going to die then , for she said to me , " If we have to have a funeral , I want you to stay out of that brooder house for awhile . " I never could figure out what one had to do with the other . Kids on a farm love to be active . One thing I enjoyed doing was climbing onto the brooder house roof . This was easy , for it was sloped low at the back . Then , from there , I would climb onto the outhouse roof , for the outhouse was right next to the brooder house . Then I 'd jump down to the ground . It made me feel good that I could do such a thing . We had the best outhouse in Vadnais Heights . That little village had a lot of them in those days . There were many people who had indoor bathrooms , but just as many who had only outhouses . We had a two - seater . The hole was very , very deep . When I was little , I kept thinking that the Devil would come up from the deep dark hole that was full of poop and stick me in the butt with his horns . I guess I thought that hell was down that hole . My aunt also had an outhouse , but here was only a one - seater with a shallow hole , so every few years a new hole had to be dug and the outhouse moved . The other thing that made ours the best was that it had electricity ! That was so my grandparents could plug in the heater fan . It sat on a little wooden box on one side of the door , while the toilet paper was on a roll on the other side . The heater fan would give us a cool breeze in the summer and heat in the winter . I was usually careful not to touch it in the winter , for if I did I would get a shock . Sometimes I did it anyway just to feel the shock course through my fingers and up my arm . Vadnais Heights was called " Dogpatch " in those days , after the Little Abner comic strips . You could have livestock in Ramsey County back then . One of my good friends , Becky Welch , had several Shetland ponies . I loved to visit her and try to ride them . Another friend , JoAnn Gamnis , had a real wooden playhouse in her backyard . We would often have overnights there . These were the same girls who I went through grade school with and was in the Brownies and Girl Scouts with . Most of the kids in my immediate neighborhood were Catholic . They all went to Catholic school through the eighth grade , after which they transferred to the public school . There were often theological discussions on the schoolbus which consisted of dialogue such as " If you 're not Catholic you 're going to hell . " When I was in eleventh grade I developed my dialogue a little better . When the discussion got around to Catholocism , I said , " I thought about being Catholic . In fact , I almost did . But I found out there are just too many errors in their dogma . " My good friend Janine McKenzie was also Catholic . She and I used to have discussions about it , but she was polite and made sense . Never once did she tell me I was going to hell for not being Catholic . I remember her telling me that Catholics didn 't worship Mary , but that they honored her . She said , " How would you like it if I came to your house and just ignored your mother and wouldn 't even talk to her ? " I felt better toward the Catholics after that , but it was a long time before I finally came up with a new motto for myself . Now , when someone asks me what religion I am , I say , " I embrace them all and adhere to none . " When the hospital asks me what they should put in the box on the form regarding religion , I just tell them to put Jedi . The only Protestants in my neighborhood were myself and my grandmother , my cousin Diana and aunt Bernadine , and our immediate neighbors up the hill , the Fast family . My grandfather , and probably Tony Fast Sr . , was a self - proclaimed atheist . My aunt , uncle and cousin rarely went to church . Bernadine used to be active at North Heights Lutheran when Diana and I were small . She brought us to Sunday School and for a few years helped out at the church . She began to omit church from her weekly schedule and decided she was just as good as those who went to church every Sunday . Of course she was right . I think she was ticked off because when she walked up to Rice Street to catch the bus to go to work every morning , people would drive by her and not stop to offer her a ride , even in sub - zero temperatures in January . When I was seventeen years old and a senior in high school , my grandmother burned the house down . She didn 't mean to , for it was an accident , but she was devastated . The farmhouse was a hundred years old and the wood was very dry . It was the middle of January in 1967 . The temperature outside was thirty degrees below zero . We had a gas stove . That morning the pilot light had gone out . My grandmother lit it with a match . There was a small hole in the plasterboard right above the stove . The flame from the match was sucked right up that hole . I got our of bed and came down the stairs . I peered up that hole and saw a flame , so I got the turkey baster and began to squirt water up the hole . Of course that didn 't do a thing , so I called the fire department . They came but drove right past our house , for they didn 't see any flames . I had to run to the end of the driveway and flag them down when they drove by again so they would know where to go . Grandma and I stood out in the yard on that cold January morning and watched the firemen destroy our home . I ran back in to get my chihuahuas . I went into the downstairs bedroom and found them cowering under the bed . A fireman asked me what I was doing in there . I told him I was getting my dogs . He went back to work with his hose and his axe and ignored me . I got the shivering little creatures , gathered them into my arms and brought them outside . I put them in the huge 1955 Dodge that I had learned to drive with . By the time the firemen were finished putting out the fire , the house was thoroughly gutted . The Red Cross put us up in a motel in White Bear Lake for the night . The next day we came back to the farm with Bernadine to inspect the damage . There was a lot of smoke damage and of course damage from the firemen 's axes . The inside of the house looked like the ice house in the movie Dr . Zhivago . Grandma miserably stood and looked while I gazed about me in awe . We began to go to work salvaging what we could . We brought the clothes to the laundromat , but the furniture was ruined . After the fire , Grandma didn 't know what to do . She felt so bad . I think she probably felt guity for burning down the house , although of course it was not her fault . It was a terrible accident . But she was still just sick about it . I took the fire in stride . After all , Grandma had once told me that when she and Granpa first came to St . Paul they lived in a nice house on Hoyt Avenue by Como Park . When her husband bought the farm in Vadnais Heights and moved his family there , she cried . She didn 't want to live in an old farmhouse with no inside toilet . Now she cried because she lost that farm after living there for over thirty years . I looked upon it as an adventure . I brought my friends to see the charred ruins . They murmured in appreciation and amazement at what could happen in a split moment . Grandma went to stay with Bernadine , Everett and Diana in their little three - room cottage that had no indoor plumbing or water at all . There wasn 't really room for me , so I stayed with my friend Janine . Her parents welcomed me . They had a beautiful home in White Bear Lake . I loved staying with them . After a month , I switched to the home of another friend , Anita Axmark . Her parents welcomed me , as well . Anita 's mother asked me to stay with them until Grandma and I had another place to live . I guess she thought a month was long enough at Janine 's house and that I shouldn 't wear out my welcome . I think she wanted to feel that she was doing her part to help a fire victim . She was a very nice lady . I 'm ashamed to say that I never told her how much I appreciated her help . I was a teenager . Teenagers are sometimes too busy growing up to realize how much others do for them until they finally reach adulthood and are able to look back with a new perspective . For me , being at Janine 's and Anita 's was a taste of freedom . It was almost like being on my own . Of course I had pretty much done whatever I wanted to at home anyway . It was getting so Grandma could no longer control me . I was always purposely missing the schoolbus so I could take the car to school . When I didn 't feel like going to work at my job at the A & W , I wheedled , cried , pouted and begged until finally Grandma would give in and call in sick for me . I was spoiled . I liked getting my own way . And Grandma would do anything for me . She seldom told me " no " and meant it . In the end , I got kicked out of Anita 's house . Her mother became angry at me and that was the end of that . Back then I was like most other girls . I was boy crazy . And I was driving Grandma 's car . That was a bad combination . One night I stopped at the Standard Oil gas station on County Road E and Bellaire in Sunrise Park . I liked to go there and flirt with the boys who worked there . There was one in particular I was attracted to . I offered to give him a ride home that night . We stopped somewhere to park . We made out hot and heavy , but back then we nice girls left all our clothes on . So did the boys who went with nice girls . Also , nice girls did not let boys pet below the waist . Looking back , I 'm thankful that I remained a virgin until I was nineteen . By the time I got back to Anita 's house it was after midnight . Anita and her mother were waiting up for me . Her mother gave me hell . She told me that my grandmother was trusting her to take care of me and that I was acting very irresponsibly . I mumbled something about having to give someone a ride home . I 'm sure my flushed face must have given me away . By then Grandma had a mobile home to live in , so off I went to join her . It was situated on what was our farm . Several year before the farmhouse burned down , a mobile home park was developed on the land adjacent to the farm . I could stand in the field behind the barn and see it . It was down the hill and across the meadows . Actually , it was sitting right on top of the swamp they 'd had to fill in to build it . The mobile home park , called Five Star Mobile Estates , was delighted that our farm was destroyed . They wanted the land . They got it , too , and dirt cheap , for Grandma was in a bind and didn 't have a lot of financial knowledge . They gave her some money , told her to pick out any new mobile home she wanted on their lot , and she could live in the park for the rest of her life without paying any lot rent . I went with her to look at the homes . There were singlewides and doublewides . This was the late sixties ; the homes were still being made with paneling on the walls rather than sheetrock . If they ever caught on fire from a faulty furnace or other reason , they burned like dry straw inside of a tin can . I figured the chances of us having a fire destroy two homes were slim . I told Grandma she 'd better take the doublewide since the singewide wouldn 't be big enough to hold all the stuff we 'd salvaged from the farmhouse . That 's what she did . I didn 't think she 'd be happy in a small singlewide trailer after living so many years in a large farmhouse . I was right . I was also happy about having an inside bathroom , complete with tub , shower , sink and toilet . Grandma was getting too old to walk to the outhouse at all hours of the day and night . Granted , we had a pot we used at night and during times of sickness . The problem was that we had to carry the pot out to the outhouse in one hand and a tin pail of very hot water in the other . We 'd dump the contents of the pot down the outhouse hole , then fill the pot with the hot water and dump it down there again . Now that routine could be history . I had done a lot of the carrying and emptying , but when I wasn 't home Grandma would do it no matter how many times I told her not to . She had a very large hernia on her navel . The doctor had long since told her not to lift anything heavier than a teakettle . She wouldn 't listen . Of course not , for she was a Downey woman . Downey women rarely listen to anyone unless there is some good reason to do so . Downey women have the irritating habit of usually being right . Grandma also received insurance money for the farm . She used some of that to buy a brand new car . I tried very hard to talk her into getting a Firebird , but she wouldn 't listen . She got what she wanted , which was a 1968 Dodge Dart with a slant six engine and an automatic on the steering column instead of on the floor . It even had four doors instead of two . There were no bucket seats . Very unsporty . There I was stuck driving it instead of my dream car . Oh well , it was better than the 1955 Dodge I had been driving . At one time I had my own car - an older Rambler station wagon . I drove it everywhere . One day I was very ill with the stomach flu , but I insisted on driving to the hockey game that night at Aldrich Arena . I got there okay and sat with my friends but didn 't have the strength to cheer for our team . Soon I felt nauseous and had to leave . I was driving down Highway 36 and had to pull over so I could vomit . That out of the way , I began to drive on when suddenly there was a loud clunk . My car would go no further . I don 't even remember how I got home that night . What I do remember is that some boy a couple of years older than me who had a crush on me towed my car home to the farm ( this was a couple of weeks before it burned down ) . He spent a few days working on it outside in the subzero temperatures of a Minnesota January . I remember him coming in the house to get warm . Then he kissed me on our back porch . My Grandma asked me later why I didn 't want him to be my boyfriend since he knew how to fix things . " Look what he 's doing for you , Colleen . He 'd make you a nice boyfriend . He 's a mechanic . He 'd be handy to have around . " Take Bryan King , for example . He was in the youth group at the church I began going to in junior high school . I was madl in love with Bryan for six years . As much as a young teenage girl can be , anyway . He barely knew my name no matter what I did to get his attention . Apparently I was too young for him to notice , for he was three years older than me . Sigh . . . such is life . Life continued on in the mobile home park . I hated it when people called it a trailer park because it sounded so tacky . It made it sound like a welfare ghetto lived in my people who threw their garbage out the door . Our park was nice , though . The worst part of it was knowing that it used to be our farm . All the trees , meadows and fields were gone . That was very sad for me . Five Star Mobile Estates had big lots . Most of the homes were newer models . We were still on our farmland , so to speak , and we still had the beautiful view of Lake Vadnais and all its surrounding reforested pine trees . I could still take my fishing pole and walk down the Waterworks Road and fish for sunnies . I could still ride my bike over to Sucker Creek Park and all around Lake Vadnais . Our mobile home had three bedrooms , a fairly large living room , a dining room with a built - in hutch , a dinette area and one bathroom . The only carpeting was in the living room . All the other floors had linoleum . Or do I say vinyl flooring ? It was scary living there during bad storms , but otherwise it was okay . Once , before the farm burned down and when the park was new , there was a small tornado . Several trailers blew over . They hadn 't been anchored down yet . A baby was missing , but they soon found him . He was sound asleep inside a lampshade ! Once our mobile home park was the focus of an article in a national magazine . There were pictures . Someone had the bright idea of making highrise trailers . They built a cement tower , much like a parking ramp , that was three stories high . On each level they put a couple of mobile homes . How awful ! Not even a back yard , unless you wanted to jump down two or three stories . This was the most stupid looking thing I had ever seen . Several years later they removed the monstrosity from the park . By this time it was almost my 18th birthday . Soon I would graduate from high school . I had already been accepted at St . Cloud State College for the fall quarter of 1968 . I spent the rest of that spring joyriding in the Dodge Dart ( my Rambler had died ; that big clunk was the engine crashing down ) , chasing boys and being involved in my school activities as well as the TCF Color Guard . I hung with my friends and continued to work at the A & W . I also worked in the office , doing payroll , at Gem Discount Store in Maplewood . Sue Roller was a girl I carhopped with at the A & W . She became one of my best friends . I had a terrible crush on her brother Jon . He would come up to the A & W with his friend Steve . They both rode motorcycles . I thought Jon was the coolest , cutest boy I had ever seen , even if he was a year younger than me . That didn 't matter because he was very tall . He , on the other hand , never gave me a second glance . His friend Craig Freeberger was one of the first boys I ever dated . On our first date , we went to the movie theater in downtown White Bear Lake and saw Dr . Zhivago . It was so romantic for a young teenage girl . In the summers during high school Sue Roller had a job as a mother 's helper to a rich family on the far shores of White Bear Lake in Dellwood . Another friend , Sandy Everson , had the same type of job for a family on exclusive Manitou Island . It was so much fun to go out to the Island and visit her . The family she worked for let her drive their pink Mustang convertible . We thought we were pretty cool driving around in it . During our senior year , Sandy and I began to hitchhike around just as everyone did in those days . Then we began to see if we could get away with stealing things out of stores . It 's amazing how easy it was in those days , for there were no electronic monitoring systems . Sometimes I wish we would have been caught . But we always got away with it , so we kept doing it for several months , just as a lark . Looking back , I 'm amazed at the things we got away with and at the things we had the nerve to try . Perhaps I was rebelling against some of the things that happened in my childhood . Perhaps I was just being a teenage who was experimenting with various things in life . Thankfully I grew up and never did such things again . It was on the evening of June 6 , 1968 , which was a Thursday . School had already ended . I spent the day hanging around with a few friends . We went out in a boat on White Bear Lake for a few hours . I was wearing shorts and a halter . The sun was shining brightly . The graduation ceremony began at eight o ' clock that evening . By then I was hurting badly , no matter how much Solarcaine I sprayed on myself . My skin looked like a lobster . I felt like screaming like a lobster . Grandma said it was my own fault . I should know better by now , so I had better grin and bear it . I went to my high school graduation , for I would not have missed it for anything . Not after all the work it had taken to get to this point in my life . The ceremony was held at Price Athletic Field , which was behind the old high school . This was now being used as a junior high school . My sophomore year had been the first year the new high school had opened . First came the processinal with the caps and gowns . Then the Reverend Lyndon Schendel gave the invocation . We seniors who were in the band took our places among the other band members and played Light Calvary Overture . What stands out the most about my high school graduation is sitting with the band wearing cap , gown , blouse , skirt and nylons against my red painful legs and holding my saxophone across my lap . The senior party took place that night . I inteded to go to it with most of my friends . That is , until Debbie Koch asked me if I wanted to go down to the West Bank with her and her brother instead . Her brother had graduated a year or two before us and was now a student at Augsburg College . I didn 't know him very well . I also didn 't know what or where the West Bank was . I was game to try something new , though , so I said yes . The West Bank is located in the Cedar - Riverside area of Minneapolis . It is so named because it is on the west side of the Mississippi River . The University of Minnesota Minneapolis campus is located in that area on both sides of the river . There is the EAst Bank side and the West Bank side . On the East Bank side , on the other side of the campus , there is an area of shops and restaurants that are frequented by students and staff . This are is called Dinkytown . On the West Bank , just west of the campus , is another area of shops and restaurants . This is merely called the West Bank . In the late sixties , the West Bank was the habitat of a large number of hippies , musicians and artists . Most of the hippies hung out on the corner of Fifth Street and Cedar Avenue . There were a large number during the week . This number grew even larger on weekends . They frequented the little restaurant with its stools in Richter 's Drug Store and played the pinball machines in the back of the store . They ate at the various little restaurants and bought albums , trinkets , incense and rolling papers at head shops such as The Electric Fetus . I arrived on the West Bank for the first time late in the evening of my high school graduation . Debbie had obviously been there before , for she knew many of the hippies . It certainly looked like everyone was having a very good time , for they were all grinning ear to ear . It was as though no one could quit smiling . And everyone accepted everyone else . It didn 't matter if ou had been a cheerleader or a sports star in high school . The hippies did not care anything about things like that . Many of them wore peace signs and gave each other the peace sign when they met on the street . They would say things like " Make love , not war , " and " Peace , sister . " They also constantly said things such as " Far out , man , " and " Psychedelic . " Debbie took me upstairs in the buiding next to Richter 's Drug Store . This was Dania Hall . It was a big dance hall where the musicians had long hair and moustaches and played music that was called acid rock . Huge strobe lights flashed in time to the music . When you danced and looked at the others on the dance floor , it looked as though every few seconds the people were not there . It was very surrealistic . After Dania Hall closed for the night , we went to an apartment next door that some friends of Debbie lived in . I remember going into the bathroom and passing out for a few seconds because of the intense pain I was feeling from the sunburn . Debbie came in and brought me out into the living room . She asked her friends for some Noxema . She gentlyrubbed it on my legs where the burn was worse . She then made me drink a lot of water to replenish the lost fluids . Soon I felt a little better . Finally we left to go home . That was my first exposure to the hippie lifestyle , but it was certainly not my last . Within a couple of weeks I was living on the West Bank and became a hippie myself . I was happy as a lark and as free as a butterfly . My first novel , The Gentleman in the Lake , was published July 2008 . My second novel is due out soon . Currently my pet project is making sure that we get a DFL governor in November .

A / N Thanks to everyone reading this . I 'll have a lot of outtakes to come but this is the official end of the story . I know several of you read it here and I thank you for joining me on this journey ! I closed my eyes as the call I 'd been anticipating for what felt like ages came . How do you prepare to hear something like this ? How do you deal with it ? Alice had given me time frames and estimates but now that the moment was here I didn 't know what to do with myself . " Hello . " The voice that was once familiar sounded almost foreign to my ears now . Of course , he was much older , a man now . I listened to him tell me what I already knew , that I didn 't have very long if I wanted to say goodbye one last time . The fact that I was getting that much stunned me beyond words . " Of course . " Edward 's hand squeezed mine in gentle support . He was by my side , always . " I 'm bringing Edward with me . He 'll wait for me elsewhere though . Is that alright ? " There was a long pause on the other end of the line . Surely he didn 't expect anything else . I could count on one hand the number of times Edward and I had been separated over the last couple decades . Twice , when he went to medical conferences with Carlisle and another time when Alice dragged the girls to Paris for a fashion week extravaganza . I still couldn 't believe she 'd gotten me to go , nearly twenty years later . " I 'll allow it , this once . " I rolled my eyes at his proclamation but didn 't challenge him verbally . He really was bending the rules letting us come back at all . " We 'll be there as soon as possible . " The plane was already ready and waiting . All that had been left was to wait for the phone call . I hung up and looked at Edward . " It 's time . " We got on the plane and Edward took the controls . He let me sit and think as he piloted us home . It was just the two of us on this trip . That seemed fitting somehow . The family would have come if I asked them to but I needed to do this alone . They were all busy with their own lives anyway . Rosalie was teaching at a local preschool , having finally embraced the idea of working with children since she couldn 't have any of her own . Every day she came home with new stories , glowing as if she was speaking of her own children . Emmett had become a teacher himself , coaching football at the local high school . He made up a story about tearing his MCL in college as the reason why he wasn 't playing professionally . He loved teaching now as much as he had when he was throwing baby dolls at me . I smiled as I remembered his joy when Alice had presented him the final piece of Emmett Junior a couple years ago . He now sat in his own chair at Emmett and Rosalie 's house . That was another thing that had changed . We all lived separately now . Not that we were far apart . We were within five miles of one another and often showed up at each other 's houses uninvited , but always welcome . We were as close as we 'd ever been but we decided since we weren 't pretending to be high schoolers anymore , we may as well live like real couples did . Alice needed her whole house for space anyway . She had finally started designing clothing professionally under the label Forecasts . Her love of clothes combined with her gift allowed her to always be on the cutting edge of fashion and design houses wooed her constantly . She was reclusive and highly sought after . The fashion world loved a mystery . Jasper followed in Emmett 's footsteps and became a teacher in his own right , although instead of gym he was teaching self defense classes at night and history at the local college by day . He combined all his fighting skills ; karate , jujitsu , krav maga and other fighting styles and helped women stand up for themselves . I was blown away that one of us who struggled the most was putting himself out there that way but Jasper always liked a challenge . Carlisle was still practicing medicine ; it was the thing that fulfilled him the most besides his family . Esme 's interior design business took off . We were living in the foothills of Michigan now but people came from far and wide to contract with her . As he 'd told Aro all those years ago , we no longer recognized the Volturi as part of our world . There was always the very slight worry that someone would mention us to Aro but even if they did , he wouldn 't know who we were . Eleazar , Carmen , Kate , Garrett , Irina and Tanya had all been told what we did that day and all agreed not to mention it to anyone . While I trusted the first four with that information , I was more hesitant about Irina and Tanya . Irina and I eventually met and we were cordial , though hardly friends . Things with Tanya were never really pleasant ; we all tolerated one another for the sake of family . She was too afraid of losing her relationship with her own family if she slipped up again , though , so we trusted her , albeit tentatively . I watched my husband handle the controls effortlessly . He was even more beautiful to me now than he was the first time I laid eyes on him . I didn 't know how that was possible . Edward had followed Carlisle 's footsteps into medicine . Of course , he looked too young to pass for an actual doctor so he just perpetually went to medical school , doing residency so he got to practice at least . He figured that his ability to resist my blood made him strong enough to resist anyone 's and he was completely right . He was nearly as skilled as Carlisle already . He astounded me every day . We were as close as ever . Closer , maybe . They hadn 't been kidding when they told me that the love only got deeper over the years . We still couldn 't keep our hands off each other . I loved being perpetual newlyweds . That 's what we pretended to be everywhere we lived anyway ; it wasn 't much of a hardship playing that out . I watched the clouds fly by as I tried not to think about what I was going to do . We 'd kept a close eye on my parents over the years and I 'd even been lucky enough to see Renee and Phil on TV a time or two at my brother 's games . That 's right , I had a brother . His name was John David Dwyer , though he went by JD . He was one of the best baseball players in the major league . He was an outfielder for the New York Yankees and Edward and I had gone to see him play several times . JD had Renee 's blue eyes and Phil 's dark hair . Edward swore he had my smile . He may have been right . It was strange to have a fully grown sibling that I 'd never met but I was glad that my mother had him . Having him had helped her fill the hole that my absence had left . By all accounts , she was a much more attentive mother this time around , though she still couldn 't cook . Our private investigator gave us very thorough reports . It wasn 't the same but at least I felt somewhat involved with my family . And Charlie … I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat as I thought of my father . Jasper had been true to his word and his man , Jenks , had sent a man to Forks to watch over my father . He was a former Seattle cop and he quickly got a job at the Forks , PD and became a close friend of my father . They fished together and watched sports and their two families spend time together as well . Charlie had indeed married Sue Clearwater and Seth moved into our old house with them . Leah left the reservation and went to school in Portland , meeting and falling in love with a man named Mark Gains . They and their two daughters visited often from what I heard and Charlie loved lavishing attention on the girls . He got to be a grandfather and I was incredibly grateful for that . Seth also had a son that Charlie spent most of his time with . He set the plane down at the private airport that was a couple hours closer than Seatac . We got into the rental car , already arranged by Alice , and made the hour drive to Forks in relative quiet . It was drizzling and grey , so much like that day I arrived all those years ago . Who knew coming to live with my father would change my life so utterly and completely ? And now , here I was returning and saying one final goodbye to the life I had willingly left behind . I didn 't regret it . I couldn 't . My life with Edward had been everything I hoped it would be and then some . I 'd gone to some of the finest colleges in the world : Oxford and Harvard and Yale . I had a couple different literature degrees and I had written and published a couple of novels under the penname Marie Mason . I used my middle name and Edward 's former last name , with a slight spelling change just as a precaution . My young adult series , about a boy and a girl who fall in love despite many obstacles , had a pretty huge cult following . I refused all press and publicity and was fortunate that my publishing company was too thrilled with the sales to push me on the issue . My stories were our story , just without the vampire and werewolf twist . I kept the magic without the supernatural elements . I named the boy Kevin Charles , a private shout out to my father , and the girl Angela Jacobs , for two of my former friends . I doubted they read or knew about them , but their kids might . Or grandkids , in Charlie 's case . I was so glad he 'd had a happy life . Sue and her kids had filled the hole I left better than I could have ever hoped for . And they were there for him now , as his life came to an end . Alice saw it coming , the early onset of Alzheimer 's that forced him to retire a few years earlier than he planned . I wanted to come out and help him immediately but Alice told me that Sue wouldn 't welcome the intrusion and it would only make matters worse for Charlie . I didn 't want that , so I waited . And I waited some more and then suddenly it was too late . Charlie had lost all his mental faculties ; he didn 't recognize anyone anymore . I still could have helped him recover everything but then he developed pneumonia as well . Alice said he wasn 't going to make it . I had only a couple days . Maybe it was cruel of me , maybe it was wrong but I wanted to see him once more and actually show him I was alright and say goodbye properly . The trees flashed by , their green leaves sodden from the early spring rain . I nearly smiled as I remembered telling Edward that everything was too green here . It seemed like just yesterday but it had been a lifetime ago . Edward drove past my old house without my asking . He knew I would want to see it one more time . We didn 't stop ; I could hear some children inside and knew that Leah and Seth and their kids were probably there . They had been informed of my visit and everyone was going to steer clear of the hospital for now . I was both happy and sad about that . Part of me wanted to see them but another part wanted to remember the gangly young boy and the angry beautiful girl just as they were . We cruised past the high school and Edward squeezed my hand . I didn 't have to force the smile as I looked at the place where I first laid eyes on the love of my life . " I thought you hated me , " I reminded him . He chuckled and lifted my hand to his lips . " I wanted to . It would have been so much easier if I had . I could have stayed away . Thank God I didn 't . " I smiled as he said those words ; how he 'd changed since we met . That Edward didn 't really believe in God and heaven and souls , now he said I was his heaven and recognized that we both still had our souls . We had to believe that there was something , some higher power that helped us find one another and hold onto our love through all the trials and tribulations we 'd faced . There had been no word from the Volturi . Eleazar had received word about Aro 's lack of power . It was being kept very quiet , as Aro didn 't want the vampire community to know that he had lost his ability . It seemed Aro blamed Caius , who hadn 't been seen since the day we rescued Esme . We knew there was always a chance he would find out about us , but not having his ability diminished the chances quite a bit . His focus remained on his rogue brother for now and we were quite happy with that . Edward pulled into the parking lot at Fork 's General Hospital , yet another place that held many memories for us . It was the first place I 'd seen Carlisle , a man I 'd come to think of as another father . And now I was here to say goodbye to my birth father . It hurt , more than I would have thought possible . " We already talked about that . I can pass for a distant relative . People here will likely remember you , and seeing the two of us together would raise quite a few red flags . " " I 'm never alone . Even when you 're not with me , you are . " He flashed me that lop sided smile . It had the same affect on me now as it did the first time I saw it ; my belly flipped and my heart felt like it was beating again . I gave him a quick kiss and squared my shoulders . " I 'll see you soon . " I stepped out of the car and walked hurriedly into the entrance . The hospital hadn 't changed much at all since the last time I was here . I walked to the front desk . " Excuse me , can you tell me Charlie Swan 's room , please ? " " His third cousin , Marie . I heard he was ill and got here as soon as I could . " The lie fell smoothly from my lips even though I was screaming inside that I was his daughter and I wanted to see my father . She looked something up on her computer and nodded . " Yes , I see you on the approved visitor 's list . Please sign in here . " I signed my name to the sign - in sheet and silently blessed my husband for his computer skills . " He 's in room 237 , " she informed me , gesturing toward the elevator . I rode up to his floor quickly ; glad to be alone in the elevator . The scent of human blood was nothing to me now but it was still blessedly peaceful not be confined with it either . I took a right turn out of the elevator and found the room I was looking for quickly . I closed my eyes for a minute and steeled myself before going in . I let out an involuntary cry when I saw my father lying against the white pillow . I 'd seen pictures of him over the years and I thought I was prepared to see him now . I knew his once brown hair had gone white . I knew he no longer had a moustache , having given that up about ten years ago . Logically , I knew he would have aged but I just wasn 't prepared to see him looking like an old man . He was only 67 years old . But he 'd been sick for awhile now and it had clearly taken a toll on his body . He was frail ; his skin was wrinkled and withered . It was clear that he 'd lost a lot of weight . He didn 't look like the Charlie I remembered at all . Time had passed for him but stood still for me . I took a tentative step into the room but he remained unaware of my presence . His eyes were closed and he appeared to be asleep . I walked over to the chair on his right side and dropped into it , never taking my eyes off the first man that I loved . " Dad , " I whispered , " It 's me , Bella . I 'm so sorry that I couldn 't come to you before . I wanted to , but it just wasn 't possible . I wish I could have been there for you . " I stroked his hand softly , not wanting to wake him . His eyes flashed open though , perhaps at the coolness of my touch . And there , at last , was my father . Those brown eyes , my old eyes , were focused on me . I swear I saw a flicker of recognition in them before confusion wiped that away . " Hello , " he said , his voice raspy and quiet but still familiar . " Who are you ? " I kept the smile on my face even though my heart lurched at the question . Alice told me that he wouldn 't know me but it still pained me to hear the question . I bit my lip to keep from crying . I 'd been warned but still … this hurt . " No , you don 't need to go on patrol today , Charlie . You have the day off . " He blinked those brown eyes at me and then smiled . " Well then , what am I still doing in bed ? The fish are already biting ; I need to get out to the lake . Where 's Billy ? He needs to pick me up . " Billy had died seven year ago but clearly Charlie didn 't even remember that Billy didn 't drive . He was in a much earlier time , maybe even before me . He tried to sit up and I put a restraining hand on him . " No , Charlie , Billy won 't be here for awhile yet , you have plenty of time . " Time … it was endless for me but so short for my father . I wished there was something I could do . " Charlie , do you know who Bella is ? " I held my breath as his brow furrowed and let it out when he shook his head . " Never heard of her . Don 't tell me Billy got a girlfriend and that 's why he 's late , " he grumbled . " He always had an eye for the ladies . " " Who 's Bella ? " I closed my eyes again . I couldn 't do this . I couldn 't leave him in this state . He was going to be gone in a day anyway , what harm would it do ? I held his hand and stared into those familiar eyes . I opened my mind and entered his . I had done this countless times over the years . Carlisle and Edward had me help them with many patients that had memory loss , either through amnesia or Alzheimer 's . The minds were always very unclear , almost like driving through a thick fog , but I was able to find and coax out memories with some effort . We couldn 't do it often or publicly but there had been many miraculous recoveries at our hands . Initially Edward had to help me but I 'd learned how to do it on my own after a few tries . Charlie 's mind was definitely very fuzzy , though not the worst I 'd ever seen . I found the section of the mind that stored memories and began sorting through them . This was the one thing I could do for him ; give him back his mind , if only for a day . Sue would be by later and I knew she 'd be thrilled if she could have one final conversation with him , where he knew her and remembered their love . The only thing I hesitated over was giving him back me . I knew that if he talked about me at all , they 'd just think he was confused again . Was I being selfish for wanting my father to recognize me ? Was I giving him more pain than necessary ? Alice had told me that if I went ahead and let him remember me , it would be fine . I wanted it to be but I also didn 't want to hurt him . I 'd caused him enough pain over the years . What was right ? While I soul searched , I sifted through his cloudy memories , they appeared smudged , like camera film . I spoke the word Remember over and over , scrubbing off the smudges with my power . I gave him back Sue and Leah and Seth and their families . I gave him back Jacob and all his time with Billy and even Renee and Phil and JD . They 'd stayed in touch in the years since my death , which made me happy . JD got Charlie some fantastic Mariners tickets when the Yankees had been in town . And now I had to decide . Was it better to say goodbye as a stranger ? Or would he be happier knowing that I was still alive and well , in my own way ? I just didn 't know . I looked in those eyes , so like my own , and tried to put myself in his place . Would I want to see my child after all those years of thinking her dead ? I think I would . If there was indeed a heaven , Charlie was going to go there and then he 'd likely know where I was anyway . And so , I took out the rest of those smudges , the ones that catalogued my life from birth to death at nineteen . I pulled out of his mind and watched s those eyes cleared again , confusion gone . " Yes , Dad . I 've missed you . " My voice came out in a half sob and I bit my lip . Charlie 's eyes widened as he took in my mannerism , one that hadn 't changed in all these years . " How can it be ? You 're still young . And you look different , paler . Your eyes … what 's going on ? " He tried to sound authoritative but he didn 't have the strength , instead his words were a whisper . His face , however , said what his words couldn 't . He was surprised , happy , upset and confused all at the same time . I didn 't need Jasper here to tell me that much . " I could explain all that , if you really wanted , but there isn 't that much time . I … I just wanted a chance to see you again . To show you that I 'm alright . Edward and I are still happy together . The Cullen 's are wonderful to me . I had to let you think I died , because , well , how could I explain this to you ? " I gestured at my face and my new body . " Plus , it was safer . You have to trust me on that . I 'm so sorry that I had to leave you and that you thought I was dead all these years . You are the best father in the world and I hate that I caused you any pain . Can you forgive me ? " He just stared at me , trying to take in the spill of words that I couldn 't seem to stop falling from my lips . " I don 't understand , " he whispered , but his hand came off the bed and brushed my hair back . " You are still young . " His brow furrowed as I nodded . " How is that possible ? " I caught his hand in mine and held it . " There 's a lot more to the world than you or I thought possible . Everything you thought wasn 't real , probably is . At least a few things are . There are different beings . I … I don 't know how much you want me to tell you . " " Tell me it all . At least the highlights . " He watched me steadily . I prayed that I wasn 't going to cause him to die any sooner with the revelation I was about to lay on him . " I … Edward … the Cullen 's , all of us really , are vampires . " His eyes widened but he didn 't pull his hand from mine or try to scream so I continued on . " I figured out Edward was different right away and he eventually let me know his secret and … " here 's where I broke off , ashamed to tell him what I 'd done , even though I didn 't regret my choice , only that it hurt him . " And I asked him to turn me into one so we could be together forever , " I finished all in a rush , my eyes on Charlie 's face , waiting for anger or censure , maybe even hate . I didn 't see any of that in his eyes though , I saw only confusion . " I must be dreaming . Or dead . Am I dead ? It 's not funny to play a joke on a dead man , Bella . " I choked out a laugh . " You 're neither , " I assured him , gently squeezing his hand . " You 're just being given some very strange and disturbing news to process . I probably shouldn 't have told you , I just really wanted you to know that I 'm happy . " " I always knew there was something off about that kid , " he muttered , shaking his head . " But no , you had to have him . And you knew what he was all along ? " I nodded and waited . " Why didn 't you just tell me , Bells ? " At his use of my nickname I nearly wailed . Nobody called me that anymore and I loved hearing it again from my father . " Would you have really been alright if I told you I had a vampire boyfriend that I was going to marry and have turn me ? " I asked , already knowing the answer . He scowled at me in response . I laughed and couldn 't resist giving him a gentle hug . His hands awkwardly patted me but I was thrilled with that much and that he didn 't try to push me away . I laughed and ran my hand over his cheek . " No , I 'm a vegetarian vampire . We all are . We don 't eat humans at all . Why aren 't you scared ? " I asked him , curious as to how calm he was . " Probably because this seems like a dream . On top of that , I 'm old and I 'm sick . I 'm hardly in any shape to run out of this room screaming about vampires . They 'd throw me in a padded room then . " I smiled because he was probably right . He put his hand on mine over his cheek . " Tell me everything , Bells . " So I did . I told him about me being Edward 's singer , how hard he fought just to be near me , why he left , my death , the Volturi … I told him all of it , leaving out only the part about his best friend and his son and his wife 's children being wolves . I didn 't figure he needed that information . " He must really love you , " Charlie responded after hearing our story . He watched me steadily for a minute before answering . " No . " I felt like the entire world righted in that moment . " Do I wish you would have clued me in , somehow ? Yes , I do . But I am too happy that you 're alive or … well , you know … that you 're around and happy . That 's all I ever wanted for you . I wanted the love of a lifetime with your mother but I didn 't get it . I did find my happiness with Sue but it took me a long time . Knowing that you have eternity with the man you love … that makes me happy Bella . " I was in his arms again then , pressing my face to neck and just letting myself be his little girl this one last time . His arms held me as tightly as they were able , which wasn 't much at all but I was in my father 's arms again . That was all that mattered . I pulled back and wiped the tears that coursed down his face . For the first time in a long time I wished that I could cry too . At least these would have been somewhat happy tears . " Dad , I love you so much , " I told him . " I guess I don 't have much longer left on this earth , huh ? " he asked . I couldn 't lie to him now so I just shook my head . " I 'm glad you came to me . And it was you cleared my mind ? " " That 's pretty amazing , Bells . I hated not being able to talk to people . A part of me knew who they were but I couldn 't connect that with my mouth and everything came out wrong . You 've given me two incredible gifts today , my mind and my daughter . " His eyes began to flutter a little and I knew his medication was tiring him . His voice was getting raspier and softer the more he talked and I knew I had to go soon but I didn 't want to leave him . I promised though . A glance at my watch told me I had only a few minutes before Sue arrived . " I 'm sorry I couldn 't be with you sooner . " I wouldn 't explain to him about broken treaties and promises made and kept . It wasn 't until now that Sue and Jacob had agreed to my brief return . " I 've had an eye on you all along , Dad . I knew about you and Sue and your grandkids … I 'm really glad you got to have that family . My only regret about the life I chose is that I took that opportunity away from you . I 'm so grateful that they gave you a family again . " " They helped me through quite a bit but I never replaced you , Bells . You 've always had a special place in my heart . " He watched me with those deep brown eyes and it felt like he was the mind reader for a moment . I didn 't know how he knew that I needed to hear that but I did . I knew it , for I had never replaced him either , though I considered Carlisle very much a father , he wasn 't Charlie . " Same goes for me , " I whispered back . He squeezed my hand . I heard the elevator open and a soft voice speaking with the nurse . I knew our time was up . " I have to go , Dad . " The smile slipped off his face and I felt my heart breaking . " I don 't want to , but Sue 's here now and she really needs some time with you too . Think about how happy she 's going to be to have you recognize her again . " The smile slid back on his face then although it didn 't reach his eyes . " It 's time . " " A day or two . " I wasn 't going to give him the exact hour and minute . I wanted him to enjoy the time he had left , not watch the clock . He surprised me by smiling at that . " Then I 'll see you again real soon , won 't I ? " I made a weird wheezing / sobbing sound and nodded . " I 'm glad for that , Bells . I 'll always be watching you , just like you did me , okay ? " I nodded , unable to speak . " Give me another hug , please , " he asked softly . I hurried to do as he asked , breathing him in one last time . " I love you , " he told me , giving me a final squeeze . I pressed a kiss to his cheek . " I love you too . Always . " I released him and looked to the door , where Sue stood watching us , tears running down her face . " I believe your wife wants a little time with you , " I told him . " I imagine she probably does , " he said with a soft chuckle . " Thank you for coming , baby . I can go in peace now . " And that was all I truly wanted for him . I memorized every line on his face , every wrinkle on his body and most importantly the look in his eyes . They were full of love and happiness . I could replace the desolation on his face from the last time I saw him with the joy that was there now . That was the greatest gift I could receive . I kissed him once more and backed my way toward the door , not wanting to stop looking at him until I absolutely had to . He smiled and gave me a little wave . " Goodbye , Bells . Tell Edward I 'm glad he 's taken good care of you . The Cullen 's as well . I 'm very proud of who you 've become , even if you are a vampire . " " No , this was exactly right , " I told her . I meant it too . I would have liked longer with Charlie but I knew the time I got with him would be with me forever . " If you ever need anything , you 've only to call . " Sue laughed and wiped the tears from her eyes . " I 'm coming . " She released me and walked over to him . I watched the way he watched her , the love I saw there , and I felt a smile stretch across my lips . Charlie 's eyes met mine again and he gave me a little nod . I nodded back and turned and walked slowly toward the elevator . I longed to run back into the room and throw myself in his arms again but I knew that Sue needed time with him as well . I got in the elevator and rode down to the first floor . I made my way out the door and to the parking lot , back into the rain . At last it felt like tears were falling down my cheeks . I hadn 't wanted to cry in years but I wanted to cry now , tears of happiness and also sorrow . I hated that Charlie was leaving this world but I was so glad I got that time with him . I would treasure it always . I walked across the lot , ready to find cover in the forest and run to Edward . I smelled something awful and whipped my head to the left . " Bella , " a deep , familiar voice called . There , standing next to a new red pickup truck , was Jacob Black , wearing ratty jeans and a black t - shirt . I would have recognized him anywhere , even though he had aged . His hair was cut short again and there was some slight gray hair at the temples , but that was really all that had changed . He was still huge and muscular , although maybe not as big as he 'd been when he first transformed . " Jacob , " I replied , not sure if I was supposed to talk to him or if he was just here to tell me to leave . He pushed off the truck and walked over to me . I wrinkled my nose against the smell but didn 't say anything . " How are you ? " I asked him . I hadn 't talked to him at all , other than to ask if I could return to see my father . I knew from reports that he was married and had a 13 year old son and an 11 year old daughter . I grinned at him , glad to see him so happy . He positively glowed when talking about his wife and children . " So you finally imprinted , huh ? " He laughed and shook his head . " No , I never did . After you all left town , the threat went away and the gene went dormant again . We kept shifting for a couple of years but eventually we all moved on and got our own lives . Most of us are still on the rez raising families and we 're all friends still but we 've all got our own stuff going on . " He smiled . " Yeah . One day Dana pulled up in front of my garage , smoke pouring out of her ' 87 Mustang . She was spitting fire and trying to tell me how to fix her car . It was lust at first sight and not much further from there to love . " " I 'm really glad to hear that , Jacob . I always hoped you 'd find someone special to love . " I really was glad my old friend had found his happiness . " Yeah , thanks , " he murmured , glancing toward the hospital . " I guess I should get on up there and visit . Sue probably won 't let me see him for long . " He nodded and then turned to look back at me . " I did it for Charlie , for Billy and even for you . I 'm sorry for how I was the last time I saw you , " he told me , regret flashing in his black eyes . " No , you didn 't . Maybe some of it , but not all . I was jealous and hurt . I took that out on you and I am sorry for that . " He squinted against the rain as he looked up at the sky for a second . " I get it now . Why you did what you did . If I had the choice of forever with Dana and my kids … well , I 'd probably choose it too . Maybe you didn 't go about it the right way but who knows what the right way is anyway . I just wanted to tell you that I understand your choice now . And I 'm glad you 're happy . " He held out his hand to me and I slipped mine into it without thinking twice . " You are , right ? " " I am , happier than I ever thought possible . I 'm glad you 're happy too . I always wanted the best for you , Jacob . I wasn 't it . " He laughed and pulled me in for a quick hug , which I returned in surprise . " No , you weren 't . You always knew that , it just took me awhile to come around to it myself . " He released me from his tight grip and gave me a tap on the shoulder . " You better get going , before you turn my kids into wolves . Their mother would not be pleased . " " You too , Bells . " I smiled at the use of my nickname again and started toward the trees . " Hey , Bells ? " he called . I turned back and looked at him . " Give me a call now and then . Let me know how you all are doing okay ? " I grinned at him and nodded . " See ya ! " He grinned back and strode toward the hospital . I took off then , feeling lighter than air at my interaction with Jacob and my father . His pending death was weighing heavily on me but I knew I had to just hold on to the gifts I 'd received today . I got my father back and made peace with my former best friend . It was far more than I ever thought I 'd get . I ran without seeing the forest around me , my body feeling the call of another , to the one person I needed to be with , the one place I truly had to be now . I saw the light up ahead and knew that I was close . I increased my speed and burst out into the opening , to our meadow . There , leaning against a tree , was my Edward . His hair was wet from the rain and falling over onto his forehead . I ran up to him and brushed it aside and met his lips with mine . His arms tightened around me and all his love poured into the kiss . He pulled back and studied me closely . " Are you okay , love ? " " I am , " I assured him . I knew he 'd been worried about me for weeks , knowing the call was coming soon . " I 'll tell you all about it on the way home , but everything went way better than I expected it to . " I laughed and smacked him on the arm , enjoying the loud noise that accompanied it . " Yes , it did . " He wrapped me in his arms . I held him tightly and started to sob then , happiness and sadness bubbling up in me . I was a mess . I shook my head and spoke into his neck . " No , I needed to . I 'm just so sad that he 's going to die but I 'm so happy that I got to truly be with him again . " " I know , love . I 'm sorry you had to say goodbye , again . I wish there was something I could do to give you more time together . " I pulled back and looked into his concerned golden eyes . " Edward , you need to know that I wouldn 't change my choice , not now , not ever . I love you and we belong together . " A smile lit his face again and then the clouds parted and the sun did the rest , making him glow with happiness . " I love you , too . " He traced my sun kissed face and slid his hand in mine and tugged me toward the path to the rental car . " Let 's go home . " " Yes , let 's , " I told him . We started to walk out of the meadow but I stopped him and walked to the tree closest to us . I carved our initials there , just like he 'd done so long ago at my house . This was our place and it would always be , even if we never returned . He smiled and carved a heart around the initials I 'd placed there . " I do , too . " We linked hands and walked toward the future . The past would always be there , a happy memory , but we had lifetimes to look forward to .

" I wish something exciting would happen around here , " said Rachel Meyers . It was autumn , and the Pee Wee Scouts were on their way to Mrs . Peters 's house for their meeting . They met every Tuesday in their leader 's basement . " In my cousin Courtney 's school in New York , they have a computer lab , " Rachel continued . " They get to do all this fun stuff using the computer . " " I know , " said Patty Baker . " In Ashley 's school in California , they play computer games and send electric mail and learn about baby whales . " Ashley was Patty 's cousin . She was a part - time Pee Wee Scout . When she was in California , she was a Saddle Scout . " It 's not electric mail . It 's electronic mail , " said Kenny , Patty 's twin brother . " And we can learn about whales and stuff in the encyclopedia . We don 't have to have a computer . " " Pooh , " said Rachel , kicking at a big pile of red maple leaves . " Books are old - fashioned . Courtney says people who still use books are roadkill on the information superhighway . She says the big cities all have state - of - the - art stuff in their schools . She says Minnesota is way behind . " " That 's not true ! " said Mary Beth Kelly to her best friend , Molly Duff . " People in Minnesota are just as smart as people in New York . My mom says Minnesota is a good place for kids to grow up . There 's more fresh air and lakes , and you don 't get run over by taxicabs . " Roger liked to laugh at others , but he didn 't like it when others laughed at him . His face turned bright red . " Inner , Outer , what 's the difference ? " he said . " My dad 's computer can do everything . " " It can , " said Jody George , who was in a wheelchair . Everyone liked Jody . He was smart and he was nice . The Pee Wees liked to ride in his wheelchair . They all wished they had one , too . " If you have a modem , you can connect with places all over the world , " said Jody . " I can even put CDs in mine . I have one CD with a whole encyclopedia on it . " Molly was pleased that Jody was taking her side . She was not surprised that Jody had his very own computer . The Georges were rich . They had a big house with a swimming pool . There weren 't many swimming pools in Minnesota . It was cold and snowy half the year . When Molly was old enough to have a boyfriend , she decided , it would be Jody . If she married him someday , when she was grown up , she would get to ride in his wheelchair as often as she liked . The Pee Wees arrived at Mrs . Peters 's house . They went around to the back door and down the basement steps to start their meeting . It felt good to get indoors away from the brisk fall wind . " Hello ! " called Mrs . Peters . " Hurry in . There 's lots of excitement today ! We are going to earn a brand - new badge . Guess what it 's for ! " Mrs . Peters shook her head and smiled . " Something more exciting than all of those , " she said . " Something brand new that we have never done . We are going to learn to use computers ! " The Pee Wees couldn 't believe their ears ! Could their leader have read their minds ? Was Minnesota as up - to - date as New York and California ? Would the Pee Wees be able to compete with Ashley and Courtney on the information superhighway ? " My uncle has ESP , " said Mary Beth . " When he plays cards , he always wins . He can 't help it . He just knows what cards other people are holding in their hands . It 's like he can see right through the cards . My dad says it 's ESP . My mom says he cheats . " " ESP stands for extrasensory perception , " said Mrs . Peters . " Mind reading . Nobody knows for sure if it 's real . Sometimes it seems as if someone knows what you 're thinking . But it may be just a coincidence . " Molly remembered a time last week when she had been thinking about her aunt . While she was thinking of her , there was a knock on the door . When Molly answered the door , there was her aunt ! Could that have been ESP ? Could Molly herself have it ? She would have to pay attention and see . " We don 't have a computer , Mrs . Peters , " said Tim , hanging his jacket on the back of his chair . " My mom said we can 't afford one . I won 't be able to get my badge if we need a computer . " Tim looked as if he might cry , Molly thought . Mrs . Peters held up her hand , a signal for quiet . " None of you need to worry about having a computer of your own . We have a computer here that we 'll use . " She pointed to a machine in the middle of the big desk . " And some of you have more than one computer at home that you can share with the rest of the group . If your family computer is busy , or if you don 't have one , we have permission to use a computer in the high - school computer lab , " she said . " The principal has set up one with our own address for electronic mail , PWS @ StPaulschools . edu . PWS is short for Pee Wee Scouts . So feel free to use that computer . No one needs to buy a computer , or worry about owning one . Do you understand ? " The other Pee Wees looked at one another and chuckled . " Dummy , " said Roger . " Software is discos you load on your computer so you can do stuff , like play games and listen to music . " " Disks , " said Mrs . Peters . " But we 'll go into all of that later . Right now I just want to tell you what we are going to do in the next weeks to get our new badge . " The Pee Wees sat up straight to listen . They loved new badges . And they wanted to know what they had to do to get this one . Molly didn 't care how hard she had to work . It was worth it . She loved collecting bright , colorful badges . And for every badge she earned , she had learned something new . " First of all , " said Mrs . Peters , " we 'll talk about some of the things that computers can do to help you . I 'll also show you some basic steps so you can use computers yourselves . Then you 'll have to do three things to earn your badge . The first is to write a short report , using information you find on the Internet . The second is to contact your friends via E - mail . And finally , to celebrate our new badge , we 'll have a treasure hunt . All of the clues will be given to you by E - mail . " " No books , " said their leader . " Books are wonderful , but this project is all about computers . This is not a book badge . This is a computer badge . You 'll find all your information on the computer , and you 'll do all your writing on the computer . " " Next week , " she said , " we 'll pick papers out of a hat . Each paper will have the subject for a report written on it . Each subject will be different . Your reports will be on items found at the fairgrounds here in town . That 's where we 'll have our treasure hunt . The subjects will be things like local birds or buildings or trees . " Molly could think of a million questions . How do you find something on the computer if you don 't know how to spell the word ? And how can you write on the computer without a pencil ? How can everyone read it ? Molly started to get the same scared feeling in her stomach that she got when she was in school and she didn 't understand the directions for a test . Was jump the gun a computer term too ? wondered Molly . And what did guns have to do with computers ? Her mother didn 't like guns . She would not be pleased if Molly had to use guns on a computer . Most of the Pee Wees were frowning . Mrs . Peters pointed to the computer on the desk . It had a screen like a TV and a metal box . There was also something that looked like part of a typewriter . Mrs . Peters wasn 't wasting any time . She pressed two buttons and the machine began to hum and lights began to flash . " What program are you using ? " asked Rachel . " We are getting a new computer that will have four different word processing programs . One of them has an entire dictionary on it . There 's so much storage on the hard drive that it can hold jillions and jillions of words . " " Right now , " said Mrs . Peters , " I just want to show everyone how to turn the computer on and off . " She explained the two buttons . One for the screen . One for the hard drive . The mouse was connected to the computer by a wire that looked like a long tail . But otherwise , it didn 't look much like a mouse . For all Molly knew , mouse was one of those words that could be spelled two different ways . Like moose , the animal , and mousse , her mother 's chocolate dessert . " If you want to use the Internet , you take this little mouse and move it until the arrow on the screen is on this picture of a phone line , " Mrs . Peters said . " Then you click the mouse twice . The Internet is full of information about all kinds of things . You will find information for your report on the Internet under www . exploreminnesota . com . Just like you would in a book about Minnesota . " " When you 're ready to write your report , you put the arrow on this picture of a blank sheet of paper . Then you click the mouse . A blank screen will appear for you to write on . It looks just like a piece of paper . " She clicked and showed them . Things whirred and buzzed . Something came on the screen , but it didn 't look like a piece of paper to Molly . Then Mrs . Peters showed them how to press buttons on the keyboard to make letters appear on the screen . It was like magic ! You didn 't even need a pencil . Mrs . Peters put letters together to make words . She wrote their names . Then she wrote , " The Pee Wee Scouts are all here today to learn about computers . " That was wrong ! She did not remember pressing the a and the l , but there they were ! Now Molly 's words would be printed wrong , too ! They would look as silly as the words Tim had written . Mrs . Peters pressed a button that moved the little flashing line , which was called the cursor . It went back to the word seven . She put the cursor on the a and the l and pressed a button labeled DELETE . The letters were gone ! More magic ! " And now I think that 's enough work for one day . It 's time for our cupcakes , our good deeds , and our song . Then we 'll call it a day . " Molly put her printed message in her pocket to show her parents . It looked good , after all . No one could tell there had ever been a mistake ! It was even easier and cleaner than using the pink eraser in her desk at home . She was on the way to a new computer badge ! Rat 's knees , she could quit worrying . At least for now . Tracy was right . Molly remembered that from other badges . Their leader didn 't want the Pee Wees to trade pen pals or hobbies or even library books . " I have an idea , " said her dad . " Tomorrow I 'll bring home my laptop so you can practice . By next week , you 'll know your way around cyberspace very well ! " Laptop ? Cyberspace ? Molly was confused . Her dad didn 't need to bring his laptop home . His laptop was right there when he sat down . The top of his legs , where Molly sat when he read her a story , that was his laptop . And it was always right there ! When she looked puzzled , her dad explained that his computer was called a laptop because it was so small it could fit on your lap instead of on a table . It could be moved anywhere . But when he used it at home , he could connect it to a telephone line and a printer , just like a big computer . " They are on a teeny tiny chip inside , " said her dad . " The hard drive holds just as much data as the ones in bigger models , maybe more . " When Molly looked puzzled , her mother said , " Maybe you don 't know what data means . It means the information the computer stores , or remembers . Just like you remember things . " Cyberspace was not easy to understand . But then neither was the TV . There were really no people inside that box in her living room , and yet you could see them and hear them when you turned it on . Molly sighed . She decided she couldn 't figure these things out . She would just have to trust her dad . And Mrs . Peters . They were reliable , and they always told the truth . If her dad said that millions of words could live on a tiny chip ( like a chocolate chip ? ) inside this little box , it must be so . Molly used the little mouse control to move the arrow to the top of the screen . Then she wrote her name , pressing the letters on the keyboard . She wrote a few sentences . When she made a mistake , she pressed the DELETE button . Molly had so much fun , she couldn 't stop writing things on the screen . It took her a while to find the letters she needed . Her dad even showed her how to press a button that made all the misspelled words jump up and scramble themselves into the right order ! Cyberspace was definitely magic ! This should really be good for Tim , who had so much trouble spelling . Her mom shook her head . " You press this SAVE button , " she said , showing her where it was . " Now what you wrote will come back when you turn on the machine . All you have to do is press the name of the file . We 'll call this file ' Molly 's Journal . ' Cyberspace was getting more exciting by the moment . At last her dad said , " That 's enough for one day . " Molly got ready for bed . All night she dreamed about hard drives and superhighways and Internets and disks and files . In the morning she rushed down to see if her journal was still there . Sure enough , when she turned on the machine , put the arrow on " Molly 's Journal , " and clicked the mouse , the whole thing popped up on the screen ! But what would the subject of her report be ? What if it was something she didn 't like at all , like Minnesota snakes ? And would the Internet be as easy to use as her journal had been ? All week the Pee Wees practiced using their computers . Some worked on their computers at home . Some worked on Mrs . Peters 's computer . And some used Kevin 's and Jody 's . By Tuesday they were all eager to start their reports . When they got to the meeting , one of Mr . Peters 's baseball caps was lying on the table . The hat was filled with little white slips of paper . They were folded in half so no one could see what was written on them . " I think choosing the topics for our reports should be the first order of business , " said their leader . " Then we 'll learn how to find information on the Internet . Line up , " she said , " and each of you draw one slip of paper . " Mrs . Peters smiled . " Not carrots , Tim . Carousels are merry - go - rounds . All of your reports will be on things we can find at our fairgrounds here in St . Paul . " " Roger always makes everything into trouble , " said Tracy . " My mom says some people are like that . They gripe about everything , even if it 's good . " " What 's the difference what subject you choose , anyway ? " whispered Mary Beth . " It 's easy to find information about anything on the Internet . " That might be true . But some things would be more fun than others , thought Molly . Finally she took a paper . She didn 't open it , though . She put it into her pocket . She decided to wait until she got home to read what was on it . Mary Beth drew a slip that said Ferris wheels . Molly was very , very glad she hadn 't drawn that ! She didn 't like machines . Especially machines that went high in the air . But Mary Beth seemed happy . " Does everyone have a slip of paper ? " asked Mrs . Peters . She looked around . Everyone did . Roger picked up the empty hat and put it on his head . Mrs . Peters turned on the machine . Using the mouse , she clicked on the word " start . " Then she clicked on the symbol for " Internet . " Some bright , colorful words flashed onto the screen . " I am your search engine , " it said . " Tell me what you want to learn . " " Now , do you see this box ? " asked their leader . " You place the little flashing arrow in the box . Then you type in the subject you want information on . Suppose I want to find out about Minnesota birds . I type the word ' birds ' in the box . " Mrs . Peters typed it in . " Now I will put the flashing arrow on ' search ' and click it once with the mouse . " She did . Click went the mouse . And very quickly , a long list of words rolled out on the screen . They all had to do with birds . " If the words are too hard , " said Mrs . Peters , " you can skip them and go on to words you know . The Internet has more information than you need . You should use only what you can understand . And you can also ask your parents , or me , to help you with difficult words . " The Pee Wees began to say " Yuck " and " Ick . " Their leader explained , " A category is a division . Like the different places birds live . In a nest , or a birdhouse , or a barn loft . Then there is the food birds eat , and the names of the different birds themselves . You have to decide what you want to know . You put the cursor on that line and click the mouse . Let 's try ' kind of bird . ' Mrs . Peters put the arrow on " kind " and clicked . A new list appeared . Up and down the screen were names of birds in alphabetical order . All kinds of birds , from orioles to wrens to grackles . Names of birds flew by . " That 's all right , " said Mrs . Peters . " You simply click on the kind of bird you want to write about , and a picture of that bird will appear . And there 'll also be a lot of information about the bird - what it eats and where it lives and what kind of song it sings . So in your report , you could write , ' The robin has an orange breast . It lives in Minnesota in the summer and flies south for the winter . Robins eat worms . ' " You can make your report as long or as short as you like , " said their leader . " And if you can 't find the information you want , you can click on ' dictionary ' or ' encyclopedia . ' You will find even more information there . " When she got home , Molly went up to her room and shut the door . Then she took the little paper from her pocket and opened it . There was just one word written on it . Was it French ? How did Mrs . Peters expect her to read French ? Molly began to panic . Then Molly noticed she was holding the paper upside down . It was just like Molly to think the worst right away ! Her mother and teachers always shook their heads and said , " That wild imagination is going to get Molly in trouble someday . " But sometimes her imagination was a good thing . Like when she wrote a story or drew a picture . Then everyone said , " What a wonderful imagination ! " When the paper was right side up , she could read what it said . Barns . What in the world could she say about barns , except that they were big and red and filled with animals and hay and smelled bad ? This was not the exciting subject she had wanted . Molly sighed . Roger might have been right . The other kids got the best subjects for their reports . Barns wasn 't as bad as snakes , but it was close . The laptop was on Molly 's desk . She turned it on . She tried to remember what her dad and Mrs . Peters had said to do next . She moved the arrow along the little row of pictures at the top of the screen . Where was the Internet picture ? A lot of the pictures looked alike . Molly 's nose began to itch because she was nervous . She reached up to scratch it . As she did , her hand that was holding the mouse jerked , and she clicked the button by mistake . All of a sudden the screen filled up with lots of pictures and charts and graphs . Then they went away and lots and lots of words appeared . They were big words . Words like data and license and finance and real estate and taxes . None of these words had barns in them . Molly wanted all of these strange words on the screen to disappear . How could she get rid of them ? She pushed buttons on the keyboard . Then she clicked the mouse . More things popped up on the screen , but nothing went away . And there was no sign of barns or Minnesota or fairgrounds . Or even the Internet ! Molly was definitely in some strange land in cyberspace . A land where she was not at home . And she wanted to get out . Suddenly she remembered Mrs . Peters showing them the DELETE button . Delete meant erase . Molly pressed the button . Only one letter disappeared - the letter the little flashing line was on . When she moved the arrow to another letter with the mouse , she could erase that too . But it would take her a zillion years to erase every letter , one by one . Molly sighed and decided to begin . Slowly the letters began to disappear . But then she hit another button and the letters she had just erased all came back ! She felt like crying . How in the world could she get rid of all these awful words ? She decided she would just have to try pressing more buttons and clicking on more pictures . Tap tap . Click click . Pictures flashed on the screen . Sometimes a question appeared , like " Do you want to delete this document ? " Well , if delete meant erase , and document meant all these words , the correct answer to this question was yes , of course ! She pressed " yes . " The screen was clear . The words were gone . She would never have to see them again ! But what if they had been important words ? Her dad 's words ? If her dad had saved the words , as Molly did with her journal , everything should be all right . But where had the words gone ? Molly frowned . She would have to think about that later . There was no use asking for trouble ahead of time . Maybe her dad would never miss those words . He had a lot of other words . He might not even notice . Meanwhile , she had a report to write . A report on barns . Barns in St . Paul . Barns at the fairgrounds . This time Molly looked at all the little pictures on the screen before she clicked the mouse . She found the Internet picture and clicked on it . When the box showed up on the screen , she carefully typed the word " Minnesota " in it . Then she put the little flashing arrow on " search " and clicked the mouse . The machine whirred and whizzed and hummed and clicked and flashed red letters that said , " Searching . " After a while words came onto the screen . But not as many as with " birds . " She clicked the mouse on " local landmarks . " There were statues and courthouses and old houses . There were pictures of the Mississippi River and the Ford plant . But no barns . Definitely no barns . What was Mrs . Peters thinking , asking a poor little Pee Wee to find something like a barn on the computer ? The machine was filled with millions of birds and rivers and who knew what else ? Molly decided to click on the word " encyclopedia " instead . The cover of an encyclopedia showed up on the screen . It had a big picture of a globe on its cover . Underneath the picture was the word " subject , " with a box beside it . Instead of turning actual pages , thought Molly , she was supposed to type in what she wanted to read about . Molly typed in " barns . " And there in front of her was a picture of a big red barn ! But it was a barn in Idaho ! Molly moved the arrow to " next page " and then clicked the mouse . That was even worse . It showed the plans for building a barn . Molly didn 't want to build a barn . At least Mrs . Peters hadn 't asked the Pee Wees to do anything that hard . I think I do have ESP , said Molly to herself . I wanted my dad to help me , and here he is , just like that ! There was definitely something to this ESP thing . As Molly washed her hands , she thought , ESP is easy ! If it was this easy , she could be in magic shows . She could read her teacher 's mind and get A 's on all her tests . But Molly wasn 't that hungry . She was psychic - she knew what other people were thinking or doing before they told her . She knew that for sure . " For supper I made one of my - " But Molly stopped her dad in midsentence . She closed her eyes and concentrated . " You made homemade pizza ! " she cried . Molly and her mom and dad ate almost all the big pepperoni pizza . Molly found she was hungrier than she had thought . Using the computer , and thinking so hard , took a lot of energy . " I love old barns , " said Mrs . Duff . " They remind me of staying at my grandparents ' farm in Norwood . Sometimes we 'd sleep overnight in the hayloft . " Molly cleared the table and got the ice cream from the freezer . She was eager to get back upstairs to finish her report . She ate her dessert quickly . Then her mom said , " Why don 't I do the dishes while you two work on your report ? " " Now , I think we have to look under ' Minnesota . ' Then ' barns , ' " said Mr . Duff . He was almost right . They had to try several words before they found any information they could use . " You can 't give up when you 're looking for something , " said Mr . Duff . " If it isn 't under one thing , you have to try another . It takes a while sometimes . " But sure enough , historical barns turned up under " Minnesota 's historical buildings . " There was one very old cattle barn at the fairgrounds that had been built in 1900 and was still in use . It was made of concrete , and it was gray , not red . Molly also found a building at the fairgrounds that used to be a barn , back when there was a private farm on the land . Now it was used as a pavilion and snack bar during carnivals and fairs and some ball games in the summer . It didn 't look much like a barn anymore , but Molly knew that was what it used to be . Molly took a lot of notes and wrote down lots of barn facts . She learned that there were a poultry barn and a horse barn and a sheep barn . There was even a barn that used to house the animals and their owners when people brought their prize pets to the fair from out of town . Then she opened a blank page on the computer . She began her report by writing down the most important information . When she finished writing , she had several pages . She pressed the SAVE key and the PRINT key . There was her report , all ready to be turned in on Tuesday . She stretched her arms and yawned . Then she turned off the laptop . " You work fast ! " said her mom . She picked up the laptop and carried it downstairs . Molly took a warm bath and crawled into bed , with thoughts of barns and ESP all jumbled together in her head . Just as she was nodding off for the night , her mom stuck her head in the door to say good night . " By the way , " Mrs . Duff said . " One of our documents is missing from the computer . Dad and I can 't seem to find it . I don 't imagine you know anything about that , do you ? " When Molly didn 't answer , her mother headed back downstairs . Molly had completely forgotten about all those words that had disappeared from the screen . She was wide awake now . How in the world could she get those words back onto the laptop ? Should she march downstairs and confess what had happened ? Should she admit she had been careless ? Or should she try to put the whole thing out of her mind and go to sleep ? But how could she sleep when she was so worried ? What if those words were very important , and they were gone forever ? Would her family lose money on the stock market ? Would the tax people come and arrest them and put them all in jail ? Where in the world did those words go ? Molly couldn 't think of any place she could start looking . They could be in the basement or in the attic , or even floating in the air over the house . They could be hiding in some cloud over the ocean . Even in the ocean itself . If Molly really had ESP , she would be able to concentrate and get the words back , no matter where they had gone . It was worth a try . Molly buried her head in her pillow and closed her eyes very tight . She could see some of the words in her mind 's eye , marching along the screen . She thought and thought about them but nothing happened . Tears came to Molly 's eyes . Her parents would never trust her with the computer again . She would have to go back to using books and a pencil and paper and snail mail - the old - fashioned way of writing to people . She decided to give her search one more try . " Come back , come back , come back ! " she yelled . It seemed as if it must be midnight , but Molly 's little alarm clock showed it was only nine . When she was just about to give up on her ESP , her dad called to her . " Molly , one of our files is missing , and we can 't seem to get it back . We have it saved on a backup disk , so it 's not really lost . But I thought we should talk about being careful not to press the DELETE key in the wrong place when you are using the computer . " Her dad frowned . " I 'll show you what to do when that happens , " he said . He turned the laptop on and showed Molly how to press the ESCAPE button and clear the screen without losing any important words . As she crawled into bed , she remembered something . Just at the moment she was concentrating the hardest on those lost words , her dad had called her downstairs to tell her about the disk that the words were on . Her concentration had paid off . She did have ESP after all ! Mary Beth didn 't seem interested in barns . And she didn 't have any questions to ask Molly about them . She probably thinks they 're boring , thought Molly . Once they got to school , the girls forgot about computers . School didn 't mix with Pee Wee Scouts . And it wasn 't half as much fun . Everyone wanted to hear about Ferris wheels . Molly didn 't need ESP to tell she had a boring subject for her report . Even Ferris wheels were more exciting than barns . " Will too , " said Sonny . " You don 't know how to tell fortunes . Fortune cookies are better . I had one that said I was going to be really rich . " " Hey , I have more talent than a fortune cookie ! " said Roger . " I had a teacher in my other school who was a mind reader . She called me a troublemaker and she didn 't even know me yet ! " The Pee Wees changed the subject and began to talk about their own reports . Rat 's knees ! Who wanted to listen to stuff about snakes and dairy farming ? But even those things sounded more fun than barns . At least Molly would get a badge . That was what counted . At the next Pee Wee meeting , Mrs . Peters collected the reports that were finished . " Molly , you got my favorite subject - old barns ! Did you have a good time doing it ? " Molly nodded . She didn 't tell Mrs . Peters about erasing Dad 's file . And she didn 't tell her how ESP had helped solve the problem . Molly thought it was best to keep some things to herself - at least for now . " Well , we are on the way to our computer badge ! " said their leader with a smile . " When we are finished , you will all be computer experts ! " Tim was frowning . " Well , at least you 'll be on speaking terms with the machine , " she added . " Now , today we are going to learn all about E - mail . It is just like writing a real letter and mailing it , but it 's much faster . The E stands for electronic . We mail these letters electronically . If we write a letter on paper , we have to find an envelope and write the address on it . Then we have to seal it and buy a stamp and go to the mailbox and mail it . And we often have to wait several days until it gets to where it 's going . Sometimes it even goes to the wrong address . " " That can 't happen with E - mail , " said Rachel . " When my dad was in Israel , I wrote him an E - mail , and he got it just like this . " Rachel snapped her fingers . " If I had mailed it snail mail , it would have taken over a week to get there . He would have been back home before it even reached him ! " Mrs . Peters smiled and turned on the computer . She clicked the mouse on the " Internet " symbol . When a row of small pictures came on , she clicked on a symbol that said " E - mail . " " This is all you do , " she said , showing the Pee Wees how to use the mouse to place the arrow correctly . " Now we will click on ' new message . ' " She did . Something that looked like a piece of stationery appeared on the screen . There was also a little picture of an address book . She clicked on the name " Mrs . Duff . " Molly 's mother 's name appeared in the address box . " All I do is write a letter . " " Dear Mrs . Duff , " she wrote . " We are at our Scout meeting and we are learning E - mail . We decided to write to you at your office . Are you working hard ? Have a nice day . Love from the Pee Wees . " " No , we don 't have to print it out , " said their leader . " Then it would be a regular letter needing a stamp . What we do is mail this , right from the machine ! " As the Pee Wees watched , she did this . A little picture of an envelope with wings sailed across the screen from one side to the other . They read words that said , " Sending message . " But in a few minutes , as the Pee Wees watched , a note appeared on the screen . It said , " Receiving one message . " And then , just like magic , there was a new letter . It was a letter from Molly 's mother . " Dear Pee Wees , " it said . " I just got your letter . I am glad you are learning how to use E - mail . I am working hard , but I wish I was outside . It is a fine , sunny day . Have a good time . Love , Mrs . Duff . P . S . Molly , don 't forget to clean your room when you get home ! " " That 's right , " said Mrs . Peters . " That 's the only catch . You have to write to someone who has a computer . But every day more and more people are getting hooked up to the Internet . " She showed them how easy it was to answer a letter using E - mail . Then she let each of the Pee Wees write an E - mail letter to Mr . Peters at his office . After they finished , and Mr . Peters had written back , they had cupcakes and sang their Pee Wee song . Before they left for the day , their leader said , " This week I want each of you to write and send an E - mail letter all by yourself . " " Yes , I think that would be a good thing . It would help us understand how easy and fast it is to communicate , " Mrs . Peters said . " And it 's fun . " Mrs . Peters frowned . She didn 't like shortcuts . " I want you to write and send a new one , Rachel . With the current date on it . " " Send one , or however many you want , but you don 't get extra credit . This isn 't school . You just get your badge , " their leader answered . No extras was fine with Molly . One badge would be all she 'd need . She only hoped she wouldn 't erase any of her parents ' E - mails while she was using the laptop ! " Hey , no E - mail goes that far ! " said Sonny . " Not to the jungle with all those trees and wild animals . Some animal would jump up and eat it ! " Molly thought she might write to Jody . Kevin would be her second choice . True , her mother had said she was too young to have boyfriends . But when someone was as nice as Jody and Kevin , it was good to plan ahead . People should marry someone they 'd known a long time . When her aunt got divorced last year , her dad said it was because she had hardly known the man when she married him . Molly didn 't want to make that mistake . No sirree bob . She would plan ahead . She would send her letter to Jody . At the corner , the Pee Wees separated and went to their own houses . Molly remembered her mother 's E - mail about cleaning her room . She did that first . Then she sat down and turned on the laptop . Molly liked the cozy hum it made while it was warming up . A computer wasn 't a book , but Molly was liking it better every day . Molly clicked on NEW MESSAGE . Then she clicked on Jody 's name in the address book . Her dad had put the addresses of all the Pee Wees who had E - mail into the file for her . Molly wondered what to write . She didn 't want to say something mushy like , " I like you a lot because you 're so nice . " Or something practical like , " I want to ride in your wheelchair more often . " She had to think a long time . Then she wrote a letter . But when she read it , she pressed DELETE . It wasn 't what she wanted to say . The screen was blank again . " Dear Jody , " she wrote for the second time . " How are you ? I am fine . " That felt pretty boring , but it was better than being too friendly . She didn 't want Jody to think she had a crush on him - even if she did . It was best to stick to safe subjects . " I just cleaned my room . Have to go now and set the table for supper . Sincerely , your friend , Molly Duff . " Setting the table wasn 't very interesting . Jody would think all she did in her free time was housework . She changed that line to " I have to go and eat supper . " But that was a lie . Her mom wasn 't even home yet . Molly sighed . It wasn 't that long until supper . She 'd send the message the way it was . Molly pressed SPELL CHECK , and any misspelled words jumped into place . Boy , pretty soon kids won 't have to go to school at all , she thought . Who needs to learn how to spell if the computer does it for you ? And who needs math when a little calculator adds and subtracts and multiplies and divides ? Molly clicked on the word " send . " Jody 's message flew across the screen and out into space , and from there it hopped right into his computer . Molly hoped Jody 's dad wasn 't using the computer . Oh well , she hadn 't said anything personal . After the machine sent the message , some words appeared that said , " Message sent " and " Checking mail . " Sure enough , Molly had mail ! A letter came onto the screen . The return address was PWS @ StPaulschools . edu . Why would she be getting mail from a school ? Maybe it was for her dad . But it didn 't look that way . It said " Dear Molly " at the top . Then Molly remembered . The Pee Wee Scouts had a special computer set up in the high - school computer lab . The PWS stood for Pee Wee Scouts . Mrs . Peters had told them they could use it anytime . Some Pee Wee Scout was using that computer now . " Dear Molly , " the message said . " I liked the shirt you had on today . It was really cool . Plaid is my favorite color . You have lots of cool stuff . I have a new pet . It 's a turtle . Its name is Ralph . Do you have a turtle ? Well , I have to go now . Love from a secret admirer . " Who was this ? It had to be one of the Pee Wees . But which one ? Molly wondered if it was Jody . It didn 't sound like Jody . Unless it was a disguise . Jody had more pets besides turtles . And she was sure his favorite color wasn 't plaid . Maybe he was joking . How would she find out ? As she sat there puzzled , another message popped onto the screen . This one was from Jody . The real Jody ! " Dear Molly , " it said . " I just got your letter . Thanks for writing to me . Scouts was fun today . But then it always is . It 's a lot of fun to earn new badges . Well , write back when you get time . Sincerely , Jody . " Jody had answered her . He wanted her to write back to him . Rat 's knees , E - mail was fun ! But Jody 's writing did not sound anything like the secret admirer 's writing . The admirer must be someone different . And who in the world could her secret admirer be ? If Molly 's ESP was worth anything , she should be able to figure out who this admirer was . She closed her eyes and thought and thought . But no name came to her through the airwaves . All week Molly tried to find out who her secret admirer was . All week she practiced ESP to see if it would help . But Tuesday came and still she had not been able to come up with anything . At Pee Wee Scouts , Mrs . Peters looked at all the E - mails . Almost everyone had one . Some of the Pee Wees had two or three . Everyone but Rachel . " Rachel ? " said Mrs . Peters . " Do you have yours ? I thought you would be the first one to bring in an E - mail and a reply . " The paper lay on the table . No one touched it . Maybe Rachel was in trouble with the police , thought Molly . Maybe she had been caught shoplifting . No , that was silly . Rachel had all the clothes she wanted . But then Molly remembered hearing on TV once that most shoplifters don 't need the stuff they steal . They take things to get attention . " Just read this ! " cried Rachel . " He said I was stuck - up ! He said my legs were fat ! They aren 't ! I have a dancer 's legs ! " " Of course you do , " Mrs . Peters said . She picked up the paper and read it . " This E - mail went to the wrong person . I forgot to warn you that mistakes can be made using E - mail . The writer meant to click on Roger 's name in the address book , but instead he pressed Rachel 's . So Roger never got the message . Rachel got it instead . " " Of course it is , " said Mrs . Peters . " And what 's more , those things are rude and impolite and should not be said to anyone . Especially in Pee Wee Scouts , where we are good to others . " Wasn 't the sender 's name at the top of the letter ? It should be . Unless , like the message from Molly 's secret admirer , it had been sent from the high school . Mrs . Peters turned on the computer . She showed them how easy it was to make the mistake of clicking the mouse while the arrow was on a name above or below the name you wanted . " You have to take your time and double - check what you say and who your letter is going to . You have to be sure you are really ready to press SEND before you do . But even more important , it is never wise to say mean things about others . " Rachel wiped her eyes and combed her hair . Mrs . Peters didn 't talk about the bad letter any longer . They went on to other things , then told about their good deeds and sang the Pee Wee song . They were just about ready for their treats when Mrs . Stone came down the steps , dragging Sonny by his ear . Now Sonny was the one who was crying . " Sonny has something to say to Rachel and to all of the Pee Wees , " Mrs . Peters said . Sonny looked as if he didn 't have anything to say . His mother gave him a nudge . Now Mrs . Stone nudged him harder . " I don 't know why I said that stuff . Rachel doesn 't have fat legs . " Sonny sat down and put his head in his hands . Mrs . Stone went upstairs to get the cupcakes . " He didn 't say she wasn 't stuck - up , though , " whispered Mary Beth to Molly . Her friend was right . But then , Rachel was stuck - up . Even though Sonny should not have said so , it was true . It would be hard to take that back . Mrs . Peters clapped her hands . " Watch your E - mail this week , " she said , " for clues about our treasure hunt . The treasure is hidden somewhere in the fairgrounds . Tomorrow you can start looking for it . Every day there will be parents there , in case you have any questions or problems . There won 't be any mistakes this time . There will only be E - mail messages full of good news ! Each day there will be a new clue about where the treasure is hidden . Follow the clues , and by next week at this time , someone may have found the treasure ! " Molly had the feeling that she wouldn 't even need the clues . She had ESP . If she just closed her eyes and concentrated , she would find the treasure . All she had to do was think , think , think ! When Molly got home , she told her parents about Rachel 's E - mail from Sonny . They just shook their heads . Then Mrs . Duff said , " Sonny is taking a long time to grow up . " Molly told her parents about the treasure hunt at the fairgrounds . " It 's an E - mail game , " she said . " All the clues will be on E - mail . One every day . " All day during school , the Pee Wees thought about where to look for the treasure . As soon as school let out , they sped out the door . They went home to get shovels and rakes and warm jackets . Jody 's dad took him in the van because of his wheelchair . After his father dropped him off , Jody went right to the carousel . " I found out from doing my report on carousels , " he said quietly to Molly , " that sometimes the horses are hollow . The treasure could be inside one of them . " Jody had confided in her ! Molly felt good about that , but she didn 't think Jody was right about the treasure . Her ESP told her that finding something inside one of the horses would be too hard . He might have to open up every horse ! That night , Molly fell into bed , exhausted . The next morning she turned on the laptop . There was another E - mail . In fact , there were two E - mails . One of them had the high - school address at the top . " Hi , " the message said . " Don 't you know who I am yet ? I saw you looking for the treasure with Kevin and Rachel . But I am going to find it first . From your secret admirer . " Rat 's knees , thought Molly ! Which Pee Wee was it ? She knew it wasn 't Kevin or Jody or Tim . That left Roger , Sonny , or Kenny . All of a sudden , Molly knew ! And it wasn 't her ESP that told her . It was the computer information she had gathered for her report . She was probably the only one who knew that the snack bar in the midway had once been a farmer 's barn . That was where they sold cotton candy . And there was a water fountain there , and a white fence outside ! The fair had been closed since the summer , but most of the rides and buildings were still there . Molly saw Jody examining the horses on the merry - go - round . She wondered if she should ask him to come with her . Should she share her idea with him ? He looked very busy . She decided not to disturb him . Molly 's grandma always said , " Measure twice , cut once . " Molly had to be sure her clues were right . But it was all here , she thought . The barn that no one else knew was a barn , the cotton candy , the water , and the white fence . The door to the snack bar creaked as Molly pushed it open . Out of the corner of her eye , she saw Mr . Peters watching her from behind . Would he stop her and tell her the snack bar was off - limits ? He started walking in the other direction . It was dark inside . It took a minute for Molly 's eyes to adjust to the darkness . When they did , she saw something shine ! She bent over and picked up a box from the floor . The box looked like a treasure chest , even though Molly knew there were no pirates around . She gave a tug at the handle and the chest popped open . Inside , something even shinier sparkled at her ! It was a big , glittery coin that looked like gold . And on the front of it were the words PEE WEE TREASURE HUNT . CONGRATULATIONS ! " Well , congratulations , Molly , " said Mr . Peters . " You really followed the clues ! There 's something else in the chest , " he added . Sure enough , there was an envelope at the bottom of the chest . Molly took it out and opened it . Inside was a piece of paper that said , " Gift certificate for any Halloween costume at Sanders ' Department Store . " " How come you didn 't tell me you knew where the treasure was ? " grumbled Mary Beth . " We 're best friends , you know . You should have shared your ESP with me . " " It wasn 't ESP after all , " said Molly . " It just came to me when I read the clue that said ' Barn . ' remembered some of the stuff I found on the computer . I put two and two together and there it was , in the old barn ! " Mr . Peters dusted off the chest and carried it to the van for Molly . Everyone was patting her on the back and congratulating her . They were all asking her questions at once . " Pooh , " said Sonny , sticking out his tongue in Molly 's direction . " See if I 'm ever your secret admirer again ! " Then Sonny covered his mouth quickly . " Oops ! " " You are too ! " said Molly . " I have proof . Mary Beth heard you say it too ! " Mary Beth nodded . Sonny ran off and hid . " Maybe he does , " said Mary Beth . " My grandma told me that boys always tease the girls they like the best . Love and hate are cousins . " Rat 's knees , could this be true ? Out of all the Pee Wees , why did Sonny have to be the one to like her ? Sticking out his tongue was a funny way of showing it ! Well , at least not many of the Pee Wees knew about the things he had said to her . And Molly didn 't need ESP to know she had seen the last of the E - mail letters from her secret admirer ! Rat 's knees , thought Molly . Pee Wee Scouts was more fun every day ! This had been a great week ! She had realized she didn 't need ESP in order for good things to happen .

We have an ongoing family controversy regarding what doctor Dad should see . Dad is currently back seeing the doctor that Brother and I have questions about . I took Dad to see him today . I asked about having the home health care agency draw blood so we wouldn 't have to take him to the doctor so often . The doctor is unhappy because we switched agencies . The one he wants us to use ( my brother said the doctor is related to the owner ) was not doing a good job . The physical therapist was prescribing exercises he couldn 't do . They drew blood once , messed it up , and never drew it again . When the nurse heard he 'd been admitted to the hospital , she said , " I 'm not surprised , he looked awful the last time I was there . " So why didn 't she call the doctor ? Anyway , we chose to go back to the health care agency that most impressed us a year or so ago . So , the doctor didn 't give orders for them to draw blood . He wants to see Dad again in 10 days . He also didn 't like the medication they put him on for his low hemoglobin , so without even waiting to see if it is working , he ordered a different medication . He ordered a medication that his insurance won 't cover without preauthorization , which could take 4 - 6 weeks . Each doctor 's appointment means either Brother or Sister has to take half a day off work to take him . Each appointment means Dad has to pay a copay . The doctor checks his blood pressure and asks him about his weight , listens to his lung , and draws blood . All of those things could be done by a visiting nurse and reported to him . I can understand if he wanted to see him once a month or so , but every 10 days ? Dad is on insulin , and needs to check his blood sugar before meals and at bedtime . The doctor refused to order testing supplies for more than 3 tests a day . This doctor also will not refer Dad . Dad has a history of heart problems and kidney problems but doesn 't think he needs to see any specialists . The last few hospitalizations have been because his medication was managed properly , so he became dehydrated or went into congReverend Mom This morning I took Dad 's car in to see about getting the rear windows fixed . I also asked them to check the brakes . So this afternoon we received the verdict : Dad was looking at about $ 2 , 000 worth of repairs . We had just finished at a doctor 's appointment when I got the phone call . Dad thought for a minute , and then said , " Let 's sell the car . " The car is a 2002 with 28 , 000 miles on it . The problems were basically a result of not being used . Sister called the service rep to ask about selling the car to the dealership . He said , " The dealership probably wouldn 't pay much , but I 'd be interested in buying it . Check out the blue book price on line and let me know what you want for it . " Sister checked it out , and it looks like the car is worth about $ 6 , 000 . Dad said , " I 'll save money on car insurance and registration now . " He seems very much at peace with the decision . We 're going to look into getting him a scooter that he can use to go over the cottage and see Mom . He likes that idea , too . I 've been uncomfortable with the idea of him driving for some time . Fortunately , he 's not been doing much driving . The most he 's done lately is to drive it around the building and over to the cottage . I really don 't see him being able to stay in the apartment much longer . He 's going to need assisted living . It is getting increasingly difficult for him to get up out of his chair . Daughter is at my Brother 's for the night . She was really excited about the opportunity to go there , and delighted for a night away from Grandad . Dad wanted spaghetti , so I made spaghetti for him this evening . He was very pleased with the results . Posted by This morning Dad had an appointment with the podiatrist at 10 : 30 . Brother and Sister assured me that this doctor was so efficient we 'd be out of there in no time . Wrong . When we left there , we stopped at an optician to get Mom 's glasses fixed , and then went out to eat . The the real fun began . I took Dad to Trader Joe 's . He loves that store , and they have quite a few low sodium foods available , including soups . Sister had gone for him , but she couldn 't find everything and it didn 't allow him to touch the items and read labels , which is very important . Dad uses a walker . No usually when he goes into a store , he 'll just use a shopping cart . But today he decided he wanted to use his walker . He also had a lot of empty bottles that needed to be returned , and I had insisted on bringing them back . We loaded them into a cart , Daughter grabbed another cart , and we started into the store . Daughter has spatial issues . She 's not aware of being in the way , or blocking the aisle . The aisles in Trader Joe 's are narrow . So here are the three of us plus a walker and two carts trying to make our way through a crowded store . Dad has vision issues . So he picks up something interesting and then has to ask me if it has too much sodium in it , because he can 't read the label . Last time I took him , we found some low sodium sausage . So our first stop was at the sausage . They didn 't have any low sodium sausage today , I know , because I read the label on every variety ( and there were lots of varieties ) at least twice . I felt sorry for the others trying to shop in there today . At one point , Daughter asked for the keys so she could go wait in the car . I told her she was stuck just like I was . I didn 't have my cell phone with me , but Brother and Sister finally realized that they could reach me on Daughter 's cell phone . So in addition to pushing a cart , reading labels , and trying to stay out of the way , I was often on the phone with one of them . At one point Daughter announced she was going to go wait in the car . I informed her she would stay in Reverend Mom Dad 's car had not been driven for at least two months , so when Brother tried to start it , the battery was dead . He tried jumping it , but still couldn 't get it to start . He told me I could deal with it when I got here . Brother - in - law agreed to put in a new battery , so Saturday morning he came over and took care of that . Brother - in - law hadn 't been able to secure the battery properly , so we decided I would bring the car over that evening when we went over to their house for supper , and he would finish securing it . While I was waiting for Dad to come out of the apartment , I noticed that one of the rear windows was down a bit , so I decided to make sure they were all up all the way . I pushed the buttons to raise the rear windows , and they fell to the bottom . I tried putting them down , since putting them up and had lowered them . I could here the motors running , but the windows didn 't budge . So , we drove over to Sister 's with the rear windows down . Fortunately it wasn 't very cold . Daughter and Mom were in the back seat , and Mom was not happy . She kept babbling . I 'd explain that the windows didn 't work , and she 'd be quiet for a couple of minutes , then she 'd start in again . Fortunately , we were able to pull them up with our hands , and we secured them with duct tape . Brother - in - law announced we now have a hillbilly car . We have an appointment to take the car in at 9 : 30 tomorrow morning . We took the car to church yesterday , and I avoided rolling down the front windows . I opened the door to talk to Sister . I walked into the pharmacy to pick up a prescription . When we got to Brother 's today to celebrate Christmas , I think will take my car . Posted by This morning I was preaching in my home church . Brother had asked me to do it ( he 's chair of the worship committee ) , and we decided it would be a good opportunity to make a video and audio recording of a sermon that I could send out to search committees as I seek a new church . I finalized the sermon this morning , and Brother had told me I could print it out at the church . We were having strong winds this morning . Before I even left the apartment , Brother called . " How important are the hymns you picked ? " " Why ? " " Well , the organist doesn 't have power so he won 't make it . I 've recruited someone to play guitar , but I don 't know if he 'll be able to do these hymns . " I told him we 'd deal with it when I got there . As I drove towards the church , I passed some signal lights that were out . It was spotty , and I wasn 't too worried , until the signal light at the major intersection a mile from the church was out . I wondered how I would print out my sermon if the power was out at the church , but a quick call to brother assured me that wouldn 't be a problem . We changed the hymns , the lapel mike wouldn 't work , and it was a wonderful service . The kids were great and very talkative during the time with the children . Niece came running up and snuggled in next to me , which was great . There were three people there from a church I have had a phone interview with . When the guitar player got up after the sermon to lead the next hymn , he turned and thanked me for a great sermon . It was a great congregation in which to preach , because they know my family and me , and so are prepared to listen and be positive . Because of that , they listened much more intently . I thought it was good that there were problems , because it demonstrated how flexible I am and how hard it is to fluster me . Sister , Brother , Mom , and Dad were all there , which was nice . Everyone was really pleased to see Mom and Dad . They hadn 't been there in quite a while . We all went out to eat after the service , and it was nice . By the time I got Mom and Dad back here , Dad was exhausReverend Mom This evening we were invited to Sister 's for supper . We got Dad in the car and headed over and picked up Mom . She was delighted to see me , which was nice . She was also pleased to see Dad . She did really well . She even used her fork to eat . I think she had a good time . There weren 't as many of us as at Thanksgiving , and Dad was there . When we brought her home , I told her that Sister would be picking her up in the morning to take her to church . She doesn 't get to church very often anymore , because it 's hard on her and whoever takes her . As I told her Sister would pick her up , I wasn 't at all sure she was understanding what I was saying . So I told her there would be a guest peracher tomorrow , so we wanted her to go . She looked mildly interested . " Who ? " she asked . " Me ! " Her whole face lit up . " Oh , ______ ! " It 's been well over a year since she has called me by name . I called Sister and told her . She was amazed . She simply said , " Merry Christmas ! " It was the best Christmas gift I 've received . Posted by Yesterday I informed Dad that our first project today will be to tackle the dining area . That is the table you see in the picture . Daughter has already told me she 's ready to go home . I 'll put her to work in the kitchen today while Dad and I work in the dining area . I turned the thermostat back from 78 to 60 after Dad went to bed . I also opened the sliding glass door for a while last night . When we come here , I get a recliner and Daughter gets the couch . Last night she chose to sleep on the floor , instead . We leave our sleeping bags in the attic , so Daughter climbs up and gets them down whenever we visit . I think Daughter slept on the floor last night because she didn 't want to both to clear off the couch . That 's another thing we 'll have to tackle today . I told Dad I thought we needed to get him cleaning help . He insists he can manage things - - once things are caught up . Daughter and I spent quite a bit of time cleaning the kitchen when we were here last time - - and he hasn 't managed to keep that clean . Visiting nurses are supposed to be coming out for an assessment at some point . Hopefully I will be here and can see what other services are available . I 'm back to questioning how much longer we can leave him in this apartment alone . Posted by I 'm sitting in my Dad 's apartment , which feels like a sauna . He 's sitting in the recliner next to me wrapped in a warm blanket , cold . Daughter has changed into a t - shirt , as she was roasting in her sweatshirt . When he goes to bed , I 'll turn down the thermostat in the great room and open the window so I can sleep . I forgot some books I was going to bring - - they were rather important , so I 'm frustrated with myself . Hopefully we didn 't forget anything else . Daughter was super cooperative all day . While we out running errands , she said , " I can 't believe I 've been this cooperative all day ! " I said , " It makes things much easier , when you 're so cooperative . " She agreed . I said , " It 's hard work , being so difficult . " She grinned , and said , " It takes skill . " I love it when she 's able to laugh at herself . I wish she would apply the skill she uses on being so difficult to more constructive pursuits . Hopefully she will be able to maintain the cooperative attitude and her sense of humor under the stress of time with her grandparents . Posted by All the stress and the crud I 've been battling caught up with me last night . I had difficulty falling asleep for the first time , in part because I was thinking about the brewing family crisis , and in part because I was coughing and couldn 't breath . I did , eventually , fall asleep , but did not get up as early as I had planned this morning . When I did get up , Daughter had already cleaned out the car . Now she 's in the kitchen singing as she does something or other . It 's wonderful to have her in a cooperative , upbeat mood . I also woke up this morning with a recommendation for Dad on the family crisis . I had been praying about it last night . Sister called me to see if I could take Dad to a rescheduled doctor 's appointment , and I ran it by her . She liked the idea , too . I 'm drinking tea , hoping to cut the crud and regain my voice . I 'm tempted to call and say we 're not coming until tomorrow , but I hope that once I get showered and finish packing , I 'll be ready to hit the road . I suspect Daughter 's cheery mood wouldn 't last through a postponement in our plans . She wants to go see family , and rightfully so . Posted by Tomorrow we will head out to visit family . Sunday I will preach in my home church . Dad is home , and told me today he can 't get warm . He 's got the apartment at 75 . I keep the house at 60 or 62 . I think I 'll pack shorts . I suggested he put on a hat . He thinks he 's getting a cold . I think we 're going to have lots of fun staying in his one bedroom apartment with him . I had a long conversation with Sister this evening . She was stressing about a situation in the family , and decided to share the stress with me . There are a number of changes going on in the family right now , and it creates stress and can strain relationships . We could have a very interesting time while we 're up there . Hopefully we 'll all enjoy one another 's company and set aside the stress . Daughter wants to leave bright and early in the morning , but I still need to pack , and we need to drop Cat and Kitten at the kennel and stop by the pharmacy . Daughter doesn 't have enough of two medications to make it through the week . I had all of her prescriptions on a schedule where I could pick them all up at once and fill pill boxes for 4 weeks . Her last psychotic episode and the resulting medication change messed all that up . I 'm having to deal with pill boxes much more frequently than I did . Hopefully I 'll be able to get refills timed right again soon . . . . I will have my computer and access to Dad 's wireless network , but I don 't know that I 'll be on as regularly while I 'm up there . I 'll be visiting everyone and taking care of all the things Dad can 't do on his own , plus finalizing a sermon for Sunday . I 'm looking forward to seeing Niece , who is the world 's smartest and most amazing 4 year old . Hopefully Mom will recognize me this trip . . . . Posted by We 've enjoyed breakfast , unwrapped presents , and cleaned up the kitchen . Daughter is now ready to watch a movie . She gave me a new outfit this year ! I was very impressed and touched . I promised her I 'd wear it tomorrow when we go see family . Merry Christmas ! Well , it 's now Christmas morning . Daughter is in bed , hopefully asleep . I 'm still winding down . I made it through the service with the help of my two commuter mugs of hot tea . My voice was not at its best , but I managed . When I went down to light the first advent candle , I sent the Christ candle flying . At least it wasn 't lit yet . Ours is a singing congregation , and so the music was wonderful . I was frustrated that I couldn 't participate in that more tonight . In addition to my voice , there were other little things to remind me I wasn 't at my best . I went in and realized I hadn 't put the Christ child in the nativity scene . I recruited the woman at the end of the first pew to go find it and put it in the manger . I also forget to tell the ushers to turn off the light when we lit the candles . Someone finally went back and showed them how to turn off the lights . All of our ushers were young tonight - - the oldest was 21 , I think . It 's wonderful to have young men who are willing to step up and serve . Beginning in January , revolution hits the church - - we 'll have women sharing the ushering duties . . . . The egg strata for breakfast is in the refrigerator , as are two fruit parfaits . Daughter had decided we needed strawberries with our breakfast in the morning and she was quite disappointed when we got to the grocery store and they were out of fresh strawberries . I took her to the frozen food section and showed her the frozen strawberries . We already had some frozen blueberries , and I picked up some lite vanilla yogurt . We will unwrap gifts while the egg strata bakes , and then we 'll be lazy most of the day . We 'll watch some movies . I may take a nap . We 'll get ready to leave Friday to go see family . We may stay in our pj 's all day . Now I 'm going to go wrap Daughter 's gifts , and then I 'll head to bed . I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas ! I reduced Daughter 's Lantus from 20 to 18 in response to the lows she 'd been having . She was then running high , so I went up to 19 units . For a few days , things were perfect . Then she started running high . I quizzed and questioned her , and she swore she hadn 't been into any food . I finally decided that maybe the Lantus had gone bad , and started a new vial . She continued to run high , and continued to swear she hadn 't been into anything . Yesterday she was high in the morning , but her blood sugars were good the rest of the day . I thought we were getting back on track . This morning her blood sugar was sky high again . I also discovered some cookies were missing . Thinking I had the explanation , I confronted her this morning . Yes , she 'd been into the cookies , but she hadn 't done anything last night , she swore to it . I told her that I 'd thrown out an expensive vial of insulin , trying to get her blood sugars down , and had been about to dispose of another one . She then stormed up to her room because I was so mean as to not trust her , leaving her french toast and sausage to get cold on the table . When she came back down she continued to insist she hadn 't done anything last night . I finally got out of her that she 'd taken more of the spinach and artichoke dip and crackers than I told her she could have for her snack . Of course , she didn 't tell me this until after I asked her specifically if she 'd done it . I get so tired of this . She begs me to trust her . I want to trust her . I can 't follow her around 24 hours a day to monitor her eating . I also can 't safely figure her insulin needs when she is lying to me . She has apologized several times today . She is sincere in her apologies . Tomorrow she may do the same thing , and tell me the same lies . Therapist and I keep telling her we need to be a team to manage her diabetes , and pointing out that lying hurts the team . She knows that . She gets it . She does it anyway . I think it is the part of her illnesses I hate the most . Posted by I 've written before about the disadvantages of living in rural America . There are also advantages . This morning I called about my malfunctioning washing machine . This afternoon the servicemen were here ( yes , plural - - the old guy sold out so he could retire , but still goes on all the service calls ) . They replaced the pulley and the belt , charged me $ 85 , and I 'm now finishing the load that was in the washing machine when it quit . Quick , relatively inexpensive service is an advantage to living here . Of course , When I went in to check on the load I 'd put back in , and the machine once again didn 't spin or pump the water out . It did fine when they tried it when it was empty . They told me that meant the transmission was going . So , I went to Town and bought a new machine . They weren 't planning to do any deliveries tomorrow , but I looked pathetic , and it will arrive tomorrow afternoon . I 'm grateful . We planned to stay here Christmas Day , so I 'll have time to get the laundry done then . Daughter has called me twice from her adventure . She 's having fun . She was worried , because the respite company sent someone new today . She 's getting better at handling new people , which is good . Maybe eventually she 'll be able to go City for shopping , lunch , and a movie without calling to check in with me . I 've been drinking lots of tea , listening to Christmas music from pandora . com , and working on worship for tomorrow night and Sunday . I 'm making progress . I 'm also eating far too many of the nuts that were delivered yesterday from a local funeral home . Yes , each variety has some kind of sweet coating on them . Posted by I woke up this morning coughing and suffering from a post - nasal run ( it was much more than a drip ) . My voice is down in the bass range ( but at least I have a voice ) . I was still struggling with what to do about shut - in communion , so I called the elder who was scheduled to go with me . She thought I sounded horrible , and she had forgotten she had volunteered and made plans to go buy groceries for her mother , who isn 't coping well . We decided it was divine intervention , and I 'd cancel communion for today . Yesterday I noticed that Daughter 's light pink winter jacket was gray approaching black , and told her to give it to me when we got home so I could wash it . She did , and I used about half a bottle of Shout pretreating it and through it into the washing machine . I then went upstairs and settled myself in the den . Daughter was on the computer researching nutrition information on lunch options for her day out today . Suddenly she said , " What 's burning ? " I couldn 't smell anything . I suggested she follow the smell . She headed downstairs and was back very quickly with the report that something was burning on the back porch , though she couldn 't see any flames . I pryed myself out of the recliner and headed down . Once I was in the hall , I could smell something , too . It smelled like the vacuum cleaner after Daughter runs over something she shouldn 't , like fringe on a rug or the pulls on the blinds . I opened the washer with sinking feeling . There was Daughter 's jacket and the various other clothes I 'd put in sitting in a tub full of gray water . I moved it to spin , and heard and awful noise and the odor got worse . I called the appliance repairman . He may get here in an hour or so . I hope he has whatever parts he needs . I think it is all a conspiracy on the part of my major appliances . The refrigerator is in on it , too . The freezer isn 't keeping things frozen while the refrigerator is freezing things . I 'm beginning to suspect that the reason Daughter 's blood sugars are suddenly in the 200 's most of the time is because her Lantus Reverend Mom I have my traditional Christmas sinus infection . I spoke to Dad today , and he was quite concerned , and suggested I do something about it . I 'm not sure if he 's concerned about my health or his - - he 's being discharged from the nursing home tomorrow , and Daughter and I will be invading his one bedroom apartment sometime before the end of the week . I usually end up with sinus infections twice a year : right before Christmas and right before Easter . That whole thing about stress making you more vulnerable to illnesses is certainly true for me . I arrived here in Tiny Village about the same time my doctor joined his brother - in - law 's private practice . That first Holy Week I went to see him with a sinus infection . He said , " Wow , you 're the third minister I 've seen this week . " I could tell he was new . Easter week , we were all stressed and vulnerable to any bug going around . Because we couldn 't afford to be sick , we also went quickly to the doctor . I promised Dad I 'd make an appointment tomorrow if I wasn 't any better . I 'm not real keen on going back to the doctor . After all , last time I went he told me I had diabetes , high cholesterol , and an " area of concern " in my right breast . Complicating things is the fact that I 'm scheduled to take communion to three of the saints tomorrow afternoon . At this point , I probably shouldn 't be breathing on any of them . The first one I 'm supposed to see is Old Man , and he doesn 't need any additional challenges right now . I always hate making these decisions . Do I go visit and risk passing on my illness ? Or do I go see them in January and apologize for not making it before Christmas ? There 's also the whole questions of how hard do I push myself . I need to have a voice and be ready to lead worship at 10 p . m . Christmas Eve . I 'm going to have some difficult decisions to make tomorrow morning . Daughter is going shopping with our respite provider tomorrow . She 's really looking forward to it . I 'm glad she 'll have something fun to look forward tomorrow . Posted by There is a cold front moving in , so the temperature has dropped and the wind has picked up . We 're under a wind / wind chill warning . Attendance was low this morning , and there were those who wondered why we hadn 't canceled worship . I made Daughter walk with me over to the church so I could hang on to her on the icy spots . She couldn 't salt them because the wind immediately blew the salt away . Daughter decided we shouldn 't try to go to town today , and I didn 't argue . This house is brick , except for the back porch , which was added on . The laundry room and a half bathroom are on the back porch . It 's about a mile to the next house west of here . The trees that served as a windbreak died and were removed . In other words we have a wind creating a windchill of about 30 below hitting the back porch . I 've got the two electric baseboards back there on as high as they will go , and after I discovered the hot water line had almost frozen completely , I left water running in the sink . Then Daughter and I came upstairs to watch a movie . She went down to get her meter out of the kitchen , and got an error message - - the meter was too cold to function . With a sinking felling I went downstairs , and sure enough , there is ice in the toilet . The water is on in the kitchen , too . I 've even turned the thermostat up a bit - - I had it set at 60 but it was only 58 in the main hall downstairs so I turned it all the way up to 64 . Yes , I 'm cheap - - and I don 't even pay for the heat , the church does . Daughter 's bedroom also faces west . Last night Daughter had two blankets and two comforters on her bed . She wore socks to bed . I suspect she 'll need more tonight . Tomorrow I have an appointment for a hair cut , so I 'm going to have to go out . Hopefully the power will be back on in Town so I can take care of some other errands I need to run , as well . There is concern that the winds and cold would cause more power failures . Hopefully that won 't happen . Posted by I live in a big beautiful old house that the church provides for me . It is located right next door to the church . There are times when that is an advantage . If I forget something at either home or the church , it 's no big deal to go get it . There are other times it is a pain . My home is viewed as an extension of the church , and as long as I 'm here , I 'm not off duty . I don 't know how many times people have come and caught me in my pj 's . This morning I was being lazy . I had decided we weren 't going anywhere , so I didn 't shower . I was going to put on sweats , but hadn 't gotten around to it yet . The phone rang . An 87 year old gentleman , L , was trying to get into the church with the flowers tomorrow , and he couldn 't get his key to work . He demanded to know if we 'd changed the locks . No . The lock was probably just frozen . I told him I 'd be there in 5 minutes . So , I threw on some clothes and headed out my back door to the office door . Of course I had to pick my way across the ice , but managed to only slip once and didn 't fall ( because I slipped into the building , which is why I was walking next to it ) . I went downstairs to the basement door , and it took effort , but managed to get it open . I stepped outside and saw L was sitting in his car . He saw me and jumped out , grabbing the flowers from his back seat . Seeing that he was going to have to cross some ice , I went over to take the flowers from him . As I offered my hand to steady him across the ice , I considered the possibility that we 'd both end up on the ground . When we got back to the door , I couldn 't turn the knob to let us in . It was still frozen . We got in his car , and drove us around the building to the office door . We took the flowers to the basement and I locked the basement door , which was pointless as it was still impossible to turn the knob from the outside . Then he wanted to talk to me . So we sat down in the office , and he told me he was planning to go visit Old Man that afternoon , and didn 't know what to say to him . They have been friends since their youth , whReverend Mom I have never been known for my coordination and gracefulness . I was the kid who always had at least one skinned knee growing up . It 's probably a good thing I had to wear a dress to school , all my slacks would have had holes in their knees . I do a little better as an adult , but not much . I 've fallen down stairs , and off ladders , and ice is always a disaster for me . Skating and skiing have always been beyond me . I don 't Daughter has witnessed too many of my falls , and they really scare her . We tend to have a lot of ice in the winter . We keep salt or ice melt around , but there have been times when it was too cold for it to work , or I had to be someplace early and hadn 't gotten it out . A number of years ago , Daughter was home sick from school with what I suspected was a UTI . I was headed out the back door with a urine specimen to take to the doctor 's office . I hit a patch of ice on the first step and went flying . My only thought was to protect that urine specimen , and I did . I was sore for a few days , but I successfully delivered the urine and got the prescription for antibiotics she needed . Last Winter I had to go over to the church one icy day . I spread salt ahead of me as I went , and walked on the grass whenever possible . I still fell , terrifying Daughter , who was watching out the front window . At least I fell on the grass , not the hard concrete , so my bruising was not as bad as it might have been . This week we 've had several icy mornings . The first one had poor Daughter freaking out . She put salt on the front and rear steps , but as she left for the workshop , she kept begging me to be careful . That morning I heard stories from two friends about falling on ice in parking lots . By the time I headed out the door to take communion to the nursing home , I was terrified . The back steps do not have any kind of a hand rail , but there are fewer steps and they are much closer to the garage . I must have stood there clinging to the corner of the house for five minutes as I examined the step and sidewalk before me for the safestReverend Mom We had an ice storm last night . Vacation began early for all of the schools in the area . A number of people lost power , but we were fortunate . It flickered some , but we didn 't lose it completely . I thought long and hard about keeping my appointment in City for the follow - up mammogram this morning . I finally decided I was going . I didn 't want it hanging over my head any longer . I went state routes rather than country roads , which meant it took longer , but I wanted to be on treated roads . I was about 15 minutes late , and was lectured for not cancelling the appointment when they found out I 'd drive over 20 miles to get there . I 'm glad I went , as after 3 more painful views , they determined that they had been looking at spots of calcification that had lined up in the first mammogram , but with the new views were spread out and not a problem . Daughter was very relieved . She said she 'd been too scared to ask me why I had an appointment . We went to Sam 's Club and got her hair cut while we were in town . She bought me a Christmas present at Sam 's : Mama Mia on DVD . Ever since we got home she 's been telling me she 'll let me watch it early , like right now . She would also be very willing to watch it with me . It 's been rather amusing . We 'll watch it sometime today , but I have some things I need to get done first . I don 't intend to go back out on the roads anytime soon . I don 't like ice - - though it is pretty on the trees as long as it 's not so much it breaks off major limbs . Posted by This week Secretary and I are working to complete 4 bulletins , the newsletter , plus the usual letters , postcards , etc . that are part of the work of the office . She is leaving Friday on vacation , so we need to have everything done this week . We lost time while Secretary was off following eye surgery , which makes things even more chaotic . Yesterday Secretary decided to come back in the evening to see how much we could get done with the kids ' help . She does therapeutic foster care for a local RTC . She currently has 2 boys . J attends the workshop with Daughter . He has Aspergers . O is a sophomore in high school . He is of normal intelligence but has a disability that makes it impossible for him to organize anything . It is always an adventure when we have these three in the office . Some of things you would have heard us say if you had been there last night : " Stop and listen to what I 'm telling you to do . Stop ! Look at me . Watch what I 'm doing . " " J , stop humming . " " Slow down and do it properly . " " Why do I have so many inserts left over ? Did you print extra ? " " You have to do them one at a time . That 's how you missed putting inserts in 30 bulletins the first time . " " I did do it right ! " " Would you please stop humming and sit down ? " " Stop ! That won 't work , the staples go into the stapler point down . " " The address labels need to be down here , not above the return address . " " Please match up the edges when you are folding bulletins . " " Did you see the way I showed you to do it ? Is that the way you are doing it ? Watch while I show you again . Look at me ! Watch ! " " If you don 't get out of the way and stop humming I 'm going to send you to another room ! " " Please go back through these bulletins to find the ones that are missing inserts and put them in . " Miraculously , by the end of the evening all the newsletters were stapled , labeled , and sorted . Two bulletins were folded with proper inserts in them . The biggest miracle of all ? The kids were still alive and uninjured . Daughter was even in a good mood ! Our favorite story of having our kids at tReverend Mom Yesterday I received a phone call from the hospital in the City . I had gone to one of their satellite centers for my mammogram last Wednesday . I 've had all my mammograms done through this hospital . One year they followed up with an ultrasound , which was fine . I haven 't gone in a couple of years , which isn 't smart . Anyway , there is " an area of concern " in my right breast . They wanted to know when I could come in for further testing . My first thought was " never . " I briefly considered waiting until after Christmas , but it would be better to get it done this year , as I 'm through my co - pay for the year . Also , I don 't want it hanging over my head that long . As I considered my schedule , I decided I couldn 't fit it in until this Friday . So , I 'm going Friday morning . Having figured out a date and time , my next thought was of Daughter . She 's still having a difficult time with my diagnosis of diabetes . She told Therapist this morning that she " freaked out " when she found out I had diabetes . Therapist and I discussed it this morning before she saw Daughter . I thought I had a plan . I 'd drag Daughter with me to the appointment , but focus on the fact that we would make it a fun day in City after I was done . Then I got home and realized that I 'm scheduled to go visit and take communion to one of the saints about 25 miles south of here . We 're going to go early , so we can join her for lunch . That took care of turning it into a fun day . I tried to arrange respite for Daughter , but that didn 't work out . Now I 'm trying to reschedule communion for another day , so I can still turn Friday into a fun day for her . Of course , the rescheduling isn 't going well , either . At least the logistics of seeing to Daughter 's needs and those of my congregation keep my mind of the " area of concern . " I remember the first time I met Old Man . I was interviewing to become pastor here in Tiny Village , and he was on the search committee . He told me how long they 'd been searching for a pastor , and my first thought was , " There must really be something wrong with them if they 've been looking that long . " He and I had to negotiate the salary , and I stood up to him and told him I had 10 years experience and wouldn 't come here for the region 's minimum salary for pastors . We had a few words then , and have had a few words since . I 've worked with him on a number of committees . I was at the hospital the night he caught his hand in a fan on a vehicle he was working on . I was there when he was hospitalized after an accident . We talked several years ago after he was diagnosed with two kinds of cancer . I addressed his fears head on in the usual confrontation style we have with each other . I was surprised and pleased when he threw my words back at me a couple of years later . During that round of cancer , he was treated with radiation , and there were elaborate precautions he was to take when he urinated . He told me it was too much work , so he just went out in the corn field . I told him that years from now scientists would discover these radioactive spots and come up with a complicated theory regarding it being a landing site for aliens . He thought that was hilarious . Years ago he informed me that he had told his kids he didn 't care where I was , they were to bring me back from Timbuktu if they had to to officiate at his funeral . I told him not to worry about it , by then they 'd have a pastor he liked even better than me . Several years ago his daughter encouraged him to talk to me about the arrangements for his funeral . His health has been failing , and the last year or so I most often see him when I go seek him out , often in the barn where he goes to hide from his wife . He was in church yesterday , for the first time in several months . I greeted him with , " Hey , Old Man , how are you ? " He said , " Not good , I have to go find my seat , " and Reverend Mom I was going to take a picture of the table once we had all the food laid out , but I forgot , of course . The open house is over , and it went very well . We had 30 - 40 people come through , and some stayed the entire 2 hours . They ate a lot of food , but there were still a lot of left overs , much of which we sent home with various guests . My strategy of cutting back worked well , and this afternoon instead of cutting things we had planned to do , we were able to add things . We got the upstairs hall , bathroom , and TV room cleaned , so Daughter took the kids upstairs to play with her x - box . She had a blast . She was super cooperative all day , even anticipating my needs . When I came home from church , she was actually doing a job I hadn 't finished before I left . She insisted I clear off the desk in my study , including putting my computer in my briefcase . As a result , I had no distractions , which sped things up significantly . Daughter can be very sneaky at times . We 're both exhausted tonight , but some of the saints stayed to help with clean up , so all the dishes are washed and all the food is put away . We still have to put some things away , but we 're basically in pretty good shape . Someone brought shrimp tonight , and there is left over shrimp in the refrigerator for Daughter . She loves it , but doesn 't get it very often because I 'm allergic to seafood . The It 's going to be a short night , so I need to head to bed . Posted by There are times when Daughter hears voices that alarm Therapist and me . When she starts talking about hearing a witch 's laugh and the devil telling her what to do , we become concerned . There are other times , though , when she says she 's hearing voices because that is the best way she knows to express her distress . Sometimes she 's actually experiencing racing thoughts , which can be related to stress or some mania that 's not being controlled by her medication . For me , the challenge is figuring out what the current situation is . Adding to the challenge is the fact that she is " unreliable . " That 's the nice way I warn people that she lies . She still engages in some of the crazy lying that is part of RAD . She doesn 't do it as much , but as any of you who have spent much time with RADs know , she is very convincing when she 's lying . There are usually warning signs when she 's becoming psychotic . Often she will think I 'm calling her when I 'm not . When this happens and she comes to find out what I wanted , I will often make something up , as I don 't want her to panic about the voices being back . I will also become much more observant . Sometimes the voices will vanish without any problems , other times it will escalate to the point that she needs a medication adjustment or worse case scenario , a hospitalization . This morning I let her sleep in , and she woke up chipper and very affectionate . I 'm getting lots of hugs today . That 's a sign that she 's still stressed , but at least she 's dealing with it appropriately . When I call Dad today , I think I 'll let her talk to him . She is very worried about Grandad . The reality is , he is going to die . Not today or tomorrow , and probably not this year , but it will probably be within the next year or two . Daughter continues to fear abandonment . That 's why she was in such a panic when I forgot my cell phone and she couldn 't reach me . Any threat to the health of a family member is very hard on her . As much as I 've assured her that I 'm going to take care of myself and the diabetes won 't be a problemReverend Mom Daughter came home with her standard complaint when she is stressed . She was hearing voices . There was a time when this sent me into a panic . That day is long past . So I asked a few questions . Her " voices " sound to me like racing thoughts brought on by guilt and anxiety . I explained what I thought was going on , and she acknowledged I was right . I told her she needed to get her ipod and set it to play her Christmas music . If she is still complaining after Christmas , I may talk to the Psychiatrist to see if this is breakthrough mania that needs to be treated . For now , though , I 'm going to teach her coping skills . As I began to prepare to make peppermint bark tonight , she kept insisting she would do it . I kept thanking her for the offer but telling I would do it . Finally , the confession came . She assured me this morning she hadn 't been into anything that had caused her blood sugar to be over 200 . Actually , she 'd taken the vanilla bark upstairs , and eaten a square of it . I thanked her for telling me the truth . She told me she was afraid to tell me the truth . I asked why she was afraid , and asked if I ever screamed and hollered at her when she finally told me the truth . She admitted I didn 't , but couldn 't explain her fear . I asked if it would be easier if I did scream and holler at her . She couldn 't explain it all . Amazingly , once she told me the truth , her mood lightened . She went downstairs and brought up some things from the basement . She later told me that the voices had been telling her all day that she was going to fall . I 've often wondered if some of her accidents and injuries were attention seeking devices . I think I have the answer now . She maneuvered the stairs without falling , and is now singing as she works . She has also decreed that this will be the last Christmas Open House . I 'm inclined to agree with her at this point , but will probably change my mind . I do enjoy having all the people stop in , even though it is a great deal of work getting ready for it . The beautiful wreath in the picture was a gift froReverend Mom Tuesday I found out I have diabetes , and Wednesday I started on medication . This morning my blood sugar was 96 , down 30 points from Wednesday . I 've also lost a couple of pounds . It 's a small thing , but it shows me that with God 's help I can control my eating in the midst of the stress and temptations of the holiday season . If I can do it now , I can do it long term , and become healthier . While my blood sugar is coming down , Daughter 's is going up . I wish I knew if it were connected to sneaking food . She insists she 's not , of course . I 'll be glad when the Open House is over and we can give away the temptations around here . I also think that for now , I 'd rather she run a little high than endure 5 hour lows . Posted by Daughter has this amazing ability to move in slow motion . She 's not trying to do it , she just is set at a slow rate . She 's making chocolate covered pretzels tonight . She dips the pretzel in a small crock pot with melted chocolate in it and then places it on wax paper . I think it 's taking her about a minute for each pretzel . She was helping me brown some meat this weekend , and she was very slowly stirring the top . I showed her how to dig in under the bottom and turn it over , but she just wasn 't comfortable doing that . When she 's working on something , I try not to be around watching , because it drives me crazy . When she was working in the cafeteria at the career center , they would encourage her to speed up . Any encouragement to speed up causes her to get stressed , start shaking , and move more slowly . It 's one of the reasons she 's not ready for community employment . She came to me tonight asking to make chocolate chip cookies with Splenda and the chocolate covered pretzels . I told her one project was enough , and she could do the chocolate covered pretzels . She has a terrible time finishing projects , and sure enough , after less than 30 pretzels , she was asking me to take over . I told her she needed to work on it a while longer . I also pointed out that this was why I didn 't want her taking on both projects tonight , since she has so much trouble completing things . Dad is really improving since they got the fluid off his lungs . He 's been working a couple of hours a day in PT and today received permission to walk a certain distance in the hall alone , so he was going out about every 15 minutes to walk the hall . He wants to be home for Christmas . I 'm glad he 's doing so much better . I had a phone interview tonight , and he 's been talking about it all week . As soon as it was over I called him . The first words out of his mouth : " How was the interview ? " I think it went well , but we 'll have to see . Daughter is stressed about a possible move . I keep reminding her that the first place God called me made it possible for me to adoptReverend Mom Today I told Sister that I have diabetes . She was not surprised or shocked , and began to try to remember if she had over or under 50 , and since I 'm 50 , did that count as over or under . It turns out she and Brother have had a bet for years about how old I 'd be when I was diagnosed with diabetes . She said they had to modify it because the original bet was over / under 40 . She then informed me I 'd better tell Brother right away , because she was going to call him to settle up . I knew he was in training today , so I sent him a text telling him to call me when he had time about my doctor 's appointment . He left the training and called immediately . I said , " I can 't believe my family would bet on my health ! " His voice became excited , and he said , " Oh ! You mean you have diabetes ? " He was pleased ! The funny thing is , he can 't remember whether he had over / under either , so they 'll have a difficult time settling up . Fortunately , I have a sense of humor . Besides , Brother is more than 11 years younger than I am , and he had to go on cholesterol medication before I did . When he calls back , I will remind him of that . . . . Yesterday evening Sister went to visit Dad and figure out why his cell phone was going straight to voice mail ( which wasn 't set up ) . He couldn 't figure out how to plug the charger into it , so the battery was dead . Faraway Sister had asked Sister to set up his voice mail , so Sister did . She put a message on it that said , " You have reached _____ cell phone . At the tone , leave a message , and if he can remember how to retrieve it , he 'll call you back . " He thought it was funny . Sister called and left him a message , and he was able to retrieve it with her there . We 'll see how he does when she 's not there coaching him . She 's going to stop by again today , so she can make sure the cell phone is charged and that he 's managing it okay . Now that he knows how to charge , it retrieve voice mail , and has a ring tone he can hear , hopefully he 's set . Sister said he was better yesterday than she 's seen him in well over a month , so that was good news . He was also able to tolerate 2 hours of PT yesterday morning , and had been sitting up most of the day . Until yesterday , he hadn 't been able to handle therapy and was spending most of the day in bed . I am more optimistic now that he will recover from this crisis . I went for the dreaded mammogram this morning - - it actually wasn 't that bad this time . I left Daughter outside waiting on the bus , which was running an hour behind schedule . I also managed to leave my cell phone at home . When I got home , there was a message on my machine from one of the saints informing me Daughter was at there house . The workshop cancelled after I left , and Daughter didn 't want to be home alone . She started calling people . I think she has half of the county programmed into her cell phone . The first person she called was sick , so she couldn 't go there . Aunt was 140 miles away , so not much help . Therapist gave her a pep talk about how she could stay home alone . She wasn 't comfortable , so ended up with these folks on the north side of Tiny Village . I called and thanked them for rescuing a stray and told them theyReverend Mom I got the call from my doctor 's office a little while ago . I officially have type 2 diabetes . It 's not a surprise . Dad was 5 years younger than I am when he got it . They 're calling in prescriptions for the diabetes and for high cholesterol . I need to get very serious about diet and exercise . I don 't think my diet has been that bad , but it does need improvement . I 've not done well at all on exercise , so that needs to change . I guess I didn 't have enough stress in my life this week . . . . But lets focus on the good news . Daughter made it through the day without calling me to come get her because she was low . In fact the only phone call from her was to ask for guidance regarding how much pizza she could eat at lunch time . In other good news , I called the appliance repairmen , and they were out within a couple of hours . My dryer is now working again , and it only cost me $ 77 . They fixed two problems , so hopefully the dryer will work much more efficiently now . Daughter and I will head into Town when she gets home . We 'll pick up my new prescriptions , and I 'll also buy the part I need to fix the toilet upstairs . I 've become an expert toilet repair person during my 12 years here . Our sulfur water eats through all kinds of things , creating all kinds of problems . Posted by This morning I woke up at 4 : 30 to go to the bathroom . Usually when I wake up at this time , I have no trouble going right back to sleep . This morning I couldn 't go back to sleep , so I got up a little after 5 : 00 . I realized part of the reason I couldn 't fall back to sleep was that I was well rested . I got to bed at a reasonable time , and Daughter didn 't need to wake me up through the night . Saturday night , she woke me up because I 'd tied her head wrap too tight . Sunday night , she woke me up when her blood sugar dropped into the 40 's . Last night , she slept through the night . She 's been sleeping on the floor beside my bed since she started having all of these low blood sugars . She wanted to sleep in my bed with me , but I wouldn 't let her . I know she 's anxious when she 's having these lows . I sleep better , too , knowing she 's on the floor next to me . I figure that makes it more likely I 'll hear her and wake up if her blood sugar drops and she has a seizure . I reduced her Lantus last night , and that seems to have helped . She was low at bedtime last night , so after some juice she had a bigger than normal snack . This morning her blood sugar is 136 , which is a little higher than I 'd like for morning , but I 'm not going to complain . She was up before the alarm , too . Hopefully it will be a better day for both of us and her blood sugars will continue to be in range . The mothers ' club is providing pizza for lunch at the workshop today . I 'll send them in nutrition information from Pizza Hut , and they 'll have to calculate the carbs and insulin for her lunch . Maybe she 'll be able to ride the bus home today . The workshop is 12 miles from here , so it would be wonderful if I didn 't have to go get her . I 'll have a busy morning in the office . I need to get busy writing articles for the January newsletter . We need to have it done early this month , as Secretary is leaving on vacation December 19 . It 's amazing how much more manageable the day seems after a good night 's sleep ! Posted by Today is the fourth day Daughter has had one of her persistent lows . Her Novolog ( fast acting insulin ) has been reduced for every meal today , and since that hasn 't done the trick , I 'll reduce her Lantus ( long acting basal insulin ) this evening . Fortunately , I was in town when she called today . I had just been to the grocery store and bought more juice boxes for the workshop . I 'd bought some on Friday , but she had used all of them treating lows over the weekend . So , I delivered the juice boxes and picked up Daughter . I have to give them credit , they are doing a much better job of not panicking over her diabetes these days , for which I am very grateful . Daughter is dealing with all of this pretty well . I 'm finding it an annoyance , and am working hard at not over reacting . A couple of times this weekend I wondered if we were headed to an ER trip , but we managed to get her blood sugars back up , so it wasn 't necessary . I hope the reduction in her Lantus tonight will solve the problem . I saw my doctor this morning , and will go for a long overdue mammogram on Wednesday morning . I also talked to Dad , who sounded a little down . He told me he was back on his diuretic , and said he 'd done upper body exercises this morning . His hip had been bothering him too much to work on the lower body . If he wants to get home , he 'll have to do lower body exercises at some point . He 's going to have to get his strength back , and that will take some walking and such . At this point I will be quite pleasantly surprised if he 's home for Christmas . Amid all the stress , I 'm making time for self - care and doing things to ease my stress . I recently discovered Pandora Radio , and have been listening to lots of soothing music as I work . Music helps ease my stress level . Yesterday I pointed out to the women working on the Christmas program for next Sunday that the first Christmas wasn 't pretty . It was messy and chaotic . Jesus was born far from home in a stable because the inn was packed with travelers . In our attempts to celebrate Christmas , we seek aftReverend Mom I was at the church for almost 12 hours yesterday - - I went over at 8 : 15 yesterday morning , and got home at 8 : 15 last night . I was home for about 2 hours in the afternoon - - time I spent in the kitchen getting food ready for the youth group event yesterday . It was a good day . We finalized plans for the Christmas program next Sunday morning , and I spent time with the youth group . Have I mentioned lately how much I love the youth group ? Yesterday they went caroling here in town , and then ate chili and hot dogs and wrapped presents for their Christmas family . I also led a Blue Christmas service yesterday evening . I was doing fine until one of the women sang " Where Are You Christmas ? " I looked over at Daughter , and she was crying . I was pleased with the way the service went . As soon as the service was over , Daughter 's blood sugars began dropping . I was grateful that she waited until my church responsibilities were over to begin dropping . Once she started dropping , though , it was a long night . We got her up to 90 around 10 : 00 , and then she was in the 40 's at midnight . She pigged out on cookies after the midnight low , and then misread her meter this morning , telling me her blood sugar was 44 instead of 244 , so she we treated a nonexistent low this morning . She lobbied hard to stay home today , but I have a great deal to do today and need her to go to work . I wish we could figure out what was causing these lows . They take a toll on her . This morning I have an appointment with my doctor for a long overdue physical . I find myself wondering if today will be the day I 'm diagnosed with diabetes . I already have prediabetes . I wonder if I will do a better job of managing my own disease than we do with Daughter 's . Sister called this morning . The nurse practitioner saw Dad yesterday . He has fluid in both lungs , so she 's started him back on a diuretic . The fluid is getting into his lungs more quickly now . It 's probably the reason he was too weak to do physical therapy on Friday . Sister was talking to the nurses at the nursing home , Reverend Mom Tomorrow 's sermon title is " Waiting in Peace . " I 'm using Isaiah 40 and 2 Peter 3 : 8 - 15 . If I were to summarize the sermon in one sentence , it would be something like , " We can face any challenge with the peace and confidence that comes from knowing Christ will return and everything will be made right . " As is often the case , I find that this speaks directly to the challenges in my life currently . Daughter hasn 't felt good all day , and has slept much of it . After running high all day , her blood sugar dropped 200 points in the hour after supper . She is sitting across from me consuming glucose tabs , cookies and milk while complaining that her stomach hurts . I 'm trying to get her blood sugar out of the 60 's , without much success . I had a long talk with Sister , who went to visit Dad today . Brother had assured us the nursing home was taking care of everything . The nursing home had no idea of his history of congestive heart failure . He still isn 't back on a diuretic , and his eyes are now getting puffy . He was too weak to do his physical therapy yesterday . The elbow that was being treated with IV antibiotics in the hospital is hot and red again . Sister had a long conversation with his nurse , who took careful notes . He will see a nurse practitioner tomorrow . The Open House is a week from tomorrow . We only accomplished a fraction of what I wanted to get done today , for a variety of reasons . Tomorrow I 'm tied up all day with church stuff - - worship , advent brunch , youth group caroling and supper , Blue Christmas service . Monday I have two doctors appointments . I 've got commitments 4 nights this coming week . The dryer died today . I 'm not sure how we 'll get it all done . I 've had a tic in my left eye most of the day today . Somehow peace seems elusive right now . I know that whatever happens my Dad will be okay . Brother is getting married in February . I hope Dad will still be with us and able to attend . Posted by Daughter was in a good enough mood this morning . Though she wasn 't real thrilled when I looked in her room and said , " I thought you told you 'd cleaned your room . " I had a couple of calls from her today , but nothing major . Then this afternoon she called to tell me her blood sugar had dropped from over 200 to 90 . Within 20 minutes it was in the 50 's and I was on my way to pick her up . I took her to a Chinese buffet where she ate everything in sight . She didn 't take insulin , but after a quick run through Walmart her blood sugar was back in the 50 's . . . . I 'm sure that part of her acting out this evening is connected with the low . They always take a toll on her . But by the time we got home , she was pretty chipper . Then I mentioned that covering up the dirty spot on the bathroom floor with the package of toilet paper didn 't get her out of mopping the floor , and mentioned I thought that the bathroom counter should be toothpaste free . That set her off and and started the rage . I guess I 'm just too critical . She calmed down and apologized , and acknowledged that she hadn 't done a good job with the bathroom yesterday . I told her I knew that the low had taken a lot out of her , and then had a flash of insight . She has been bugging quite often about moving closer to family . Each time I patiently explain that we need to wait for God to call me to the right church , and that God will know when it is right for us to move . She has been frustrated and impatient with the process . It doesn 't help that two years ago at this time I almost received a call that we were both really excited about . Since that time , there haven 't been any interviews . Part of the time I put the search on hold because she wasn 't stable enough to handle a move . I told her today that a church about an hour from family wants to do a phone interview next week . She was excited , and ready to move immediately . I explained to her that this was just the beginning of the process , and she needed to be patient . She didn 't want to hear that , of course . So when she calmed dowReverend Mom Daughter came home in a cooperative mood . She knows I have people coming this evening for pre - marital counseling . She fixed supper tonight , and has been working at getting the living room and downstairs hall cleaned up . I 've been at the computer , trying to figure out what I 'm doing for our Blue Christmas Service on Sunday evening . I had hoped to have the bulletin done for that so it could be printed today , but didn 't manage to do that with everything else we were working on this morning . Secretary will come in tomorrow morning and we 'll get it printed then . I told Daughter I had decided we 'd done enough decorating for this year . She was very pleased to hear that . I guess we 're both Scrooges . We still have quite a bit of cleaning to do , but I 'd rather do that than decorate . I 'll do a bit more baking , as well . But we 're going to aim for a peaceful holiday . I lit candles in the fire place and turned on the Christmas tree lights tonight . It 's very pleasant in the living room . I enjoyed meeting with the couple who were here for the counseling . They are going to face some challenges , so hopefully I can give them the tools to build a successful marriage . One of my kids came by with the FFA Christmas ham I bought after they left . Daughter was already in her pj 's , so that sent her running up the stairs . I pointed out that it 's not Christmas yet , he just shrugged . He sold $ 1300 worth of hams and citrus fruit this year . The nursing home claims the 26 lbs Dad has gained is due to his clothing , 3 units of blood , and not being dehydrated . I hope they 're right , but I 'm skeptical . Brother thinks Sister is over reacting . Sister thinks Brother is ignoring a dangerous situation . I 'm trying to stay out of it . As I pointed out to Sister , this nursing home took good care of Dad last time he was there , and if they are monitoring him closely and he is in congestive heart failure , they 'll figure it out quickly . I 'm going to put that aside and focus on the situation here . I 'm almost done figuring out the Blue Christmas service . As I find Reverend Mom Mom was a Christmas perfectionist . She 'd let us decorate the tree , then after we went to bed she 'd rearrange all the ornaments and make sure the tinsel was on perfectly . She 'd go outside to make sure it looked perfect from the street . She spent December baking - - all sorts of cookies , including Santa 's that had intricate decorations . We could never help decorate , because they had to be done perfectly . The cookies were then arranged very artistically on plates to be delivered to the neighbors . The plate for each neighbor took into account their likes and dislikes and the number of children they had . In other words , she was the only one who could fix the plates , though she did allow us to deliver them . She made our Christmas cards , which always included a picture . There were years when getting the four of us to all look angelic in the same picture was quite an ordeal . She refused to send a generic letter . Each card had to have a personal note , often with comments on their letter from the previous year . From Thanksgiving through the New Year , there would be a card table set up where she would be working on Christmas cards in whatever moments she could grab . We couldn 't help with the cards , either , because they had to be perfect . By the time we got to Christmas , everyone was on edge . Here in Tiny Village , I live in a big , beautiful house provided by the church . It was built in 1900 , and has beautiful woodwork throughout . The first year I moved here , Mom had a great time buying all the Christmas decorations that wouldn 't fit in her house . I had garlands hanging over the large entrances to the living room and study . There were garlands over the windows in the living room and dining room ( each carefully measured to make sure it hung evenly , of course ) . There were Christmas trees and poinsettias and all sorts of treasures . Being my mother 's daughter , I have dutifully pulled out all the decorations each year . Remembering the stress decorations caused growing up , I have never really enjoyed putting them all out . But I 've donPosted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .

We have an ongoing family controversy regarding what doctor Dad should see . Dad is currently back seeing the doctor that Brother and I have questions about . I took Dad to see him today . I asked about having the home health care agency draw blood so we wouldn 't have to take him to the doctor so often . The doctor is unhappy because we switched agencies . The one he wants us to use ( my brother said the doctor is related to the owner ) was not doing a good job . The physical therapist was prescribing exercises he couldn 't do . They drew blood once , messed it up , and never drew it again . When the nurse heard he 'd been admitted to the hospital , she said , " I 'm not surprised , he looked awful the last time I was there . " So why didn 't she call the doctor ? Anyway , we chose to go back to the health care agency that most impressed us a year or so ago . So , the doctor didn 't give orders for them to draw blood . He wants to see Dad again in 10 days . He also didn 't like the medication they put him on for his low hemoglobin , so without even waiting to see if it is working , he ordered a different medication . He ordered a medication that his insurance won 't cover without preauthorization , which could take 4 - 6 weeks . Each doctor 's appointment means either Brother or Sister has to take half a day off work to take him . Each appointment means Dad has to pay a copay . The doctor checks his blood pressure and asks him about his weight , listens to his lung , and draws blood . All of those things could be done by a visiting nurse and reported to him . I can understand if he wanted to see him once a month or so , but every 10 days ? Dad is on insulin , and needs to check his blood sugar before meals and at bedtime . The doctor refused to order testing supplies for more than 3 tests a day . This doctor also will not refer Dad . Dad has a history of heart problems and kidney problems but doesn 't think he needs to see any specialists . The last few hospitalizations have been because his medication was managed properly , so he became dehydrated or went into congReverend Mom This morning I took Dad 's car in to see about getting the rear windows fixed . I also asked them to check the brakes . So this afternoon we received the verdict : Dad was looking at about $ 2 , 000 worth of repairs . We had just finished at a doctor 's appointment when I got the phone call . Dad thought for a minute , and then said , " Let 's sell the car . " The car is a 2002 with 28 , 000 miles on it . The problems were basically a result of not being used . Sister called the service rep to ask about selling the car to the dealership . He said , " The dealership probably wouldn 't pay much , but I 'd be interested in buying it . Check out the blue book price on line and let me know what you want for it . " Sister checked it out , and it looks like the car is worth about $ 6 , 000 . Dad said , " I 'll save money on car insurance and registration now . " He seems very much at peace with the decision . We 're going to look into getting him a scooter that he can use to go over the cottage and see Mom . He likes that idea , too . I 've been uncomfortable with the idea of him driving for some time . Fortunately , he 's not been doing much driving . The most he 's done lately is to drive it around the building and over to the cottage . I really don 't see him being able to stay in the apartment much longer . He 's going to need assisted living . It is getting increasingly difficult for him to get up out of his chair . Daughter is at my Brother 's for the night . She was really excited about the opportunity to go there , and delighted for a night away from Grandad . Dad wanted spaghetti , so I made spaghetti for him this evening . He was very pleased with the results . Posted by This morning Dad had an appointment with the podiatrist at 10 : 30 . Brother and Sister assured me that this doctor was so efficient we 'd be out of there in no time . Wrong . When we left there , we stopped at an optician to get Mom 's glasses fixed , and then went out to eat . The the real fun began . I took Dad to Trader Joe 's . He loves that store , and they have quite a few low sodium foods available , including soups . Sister had gone for him , but she couldn 't find everything and it didn 't allow him to touch the items and read labels , which is very important . Dad uses a walker . No usually when he goes into a store , he 'll just use a shopping cart . But today he decided he wanted to use his walker . He also had a lot of empty bottles that needed to be returned , and I had insisted on bringing them back . We loaded them into a cart , Daughter grabbed another cart , and we started into the store . Daughter has spatial issues . She 's not aware of being in the way , or blocking the aisle . The aisles in Trader Joe 's are narrow . So here are the three of us plus a walker and two carts trying to make our way through a crowded store . Dad has vision issues . So he picks up something interesting and then has to ask me if it has too much sodium in it , because he can 't read the label . Last time I took him , we found some low sodium sausage . So our first stop was at the sausage . They didn 't have any low sodium sausage today , I know , because I read the label on every variety ( and there were lots of varieties ) at least twice . I felt sorry for the others trying to shop in there today . At one point , Daughter asked for the keys so she could go wait in the car . I told her she was stuck just like I was . I didn 't have my cell phone with me , but Brother and Sister finally realized that they could reach me on Daughter 's cell phone . So in addition to pushing a cart , reading labels , and trying to stay out of the way , I was often on the phone with one of them . At one point Daughter announced she was going to go wait in the car . I informed her she would stay in Reverend Mom Dad 's car had not been driven for at least two months , so when Brother tried to start it , the battery was dead . He tried jumping it , but still couldn 't get it to start . He told me I could deal with it when I got here . Brother - in - law agreed to put in a new battery , so Saturday morning he came over and took care of that . Brother - in - law hadn 't been able to secure the battery properly , so we decided I would bring the car over that evening when we went over to their house for supper , and he would finish securing it . While I was waiting for Dad to come out of the apartment , I noticed that one of the rear windows was down a bit , so I decided to make sure they were all up all the way . I pushed the buttons to raise the rear windows , and they fell to the bottom . I tried putting them down , since putting them up and had lowered them . I could here the motors running , but the windows didn 't budge . So , we drove over to Sister 's with the rear windows down . Fortunately it wasn 't very cold . Daughter and Mom were in the back seat , and Mom was not happy . She kept babbling . I 'd explain that the windows didn 't work , and she 'd be quiet for a couple of minutes , then she 'd start in again . Fortunately , we were able to pull them up with our hands , and we secured them with duct tape . Brother - in - law announced we now have a hillbilly car . We have an appointment to take the car in at 9 : 30 tomorrow morning . We took the car to church yesterday , and I avoided rolling down the front windows . I opened the door to talk to Sister . I walked into the pharmacy to pick up a prescription . When we got to Brother 's today to celebrate Christmas , I think will take my car . Posted by This morning I was preaching in my home church . Brother had asked me to do it ( he 's chair of the worship committee ) , and we decided it would be a good opportunity to make a video and audio recording of a sermon that I could send out to search committees as I seek a new church . I finalized the sermon this morning , and Brother had told me I could print it out at the church . We were having strong winds this morning . Before I even left the apartment , Brother called . " How important are the hymns you picked ? " " Why ? " " Well , the organist doesn 't have power so he won 't make it . I 've recruited someone to play guitar , but I don 't know if he 'll be able to do these hymns . " I told him we 'd deal with it when I got there . As I drove towards the church , I passed some signal lights that were out . It was spotty , and I wasn 't too worried , until the signal light at the major intersection a mile from the church was out . I wondered how I would print out my sermon if the power was out at the church , but a quick call to brother assured me that wouldn 't be a problem . We changed the hymns , the lapel mike wouldn 't work , and it was a wonderful service . The kids were great and very talkative during the time with the children . Niece came running up and snuggled in next to me , which was great . There were three people there from a church I have had a phone interview with . When the guitar player got up after the sermon to lead the next hymn , he turned and thanked me for a great sermon . It was a great congregation in which to preach , because they know my family and me , and so are prepared to listen and be positive . Because of that , they listened much more intently . I thought it was good that there were problems , because it demonstrated how flexible I am and how hard it is to fluster me . Sister , Brother , Mom , and Dad were all there , which was nice . Everyone was really pleased to see Mom and Dad . They hadn 't been there in quite a while . We all went out to eat after the service , and it was nice . By the time I got Mom and Dad back here , Dad was exhausReverend Mom This evening we were invited to Sister 's for supper . We got Dad in the car and headed over and picked up Mom . She was delighted to see me , which was nice . She was also pleased to see Dad . She did really well . She even used her fork to eat . I think she had a good time . There weren 't as many of us as at Thanksgiving , and Dad was there . When we brought her home , I told her that Sister would be picking her up in the morning to take her to church . She doesn 't get to church very often anymore , because it 's hard on her and whoever takes her . As I told her Sister would pick her up , I wasn 't at all sure she was understanding what I was saying . So I told her there would be a guest peracher tomorrow , so we wanted her to go . She looked mildly interested . " Who ? " she asked . " Me ! " Her whole face lit up . " Oh , ______ ! " It 's been well over a year since she has called me by name . I called Sister and told her . She was amazed . She simply said , " Merry Christmas ! " It was the best Christmas gift I 've received . Posted by Yesterday I informed Dad that our first project today will be to tackle the dining area . That is the table you see in the picture . Daughter has already told me she 's ready to go home . I 'll put her to work in the kitchen today while Dad and I work in the dining area . I turned the thermostat back from 78 to 60 after Dad went to bed . I also opened the sliding glass door for a while last night . When we come here , I get a recliner and Daughter gets the couch . Last night she chose to sleep on the floor , instead . We leave our sleeping bags in the attic , so Daughter climbs up and gets them down whenever we visit . I think Daughter slept on the floor last night because she didn 't want to both to clear off the couch . That 's another thing we 'll have to tackle today . I told Dad I thought we needed to get him cleaning help . He insists he can manage things - - once things are caught up . Daughter and I spent quite a bit of time cleaning the kitchen when we were here last time - - and he hasn 't managed to keep that clean . Visiting nurses are supposed to be coming out for an assessment at some point . Hopefully I will be here and can see what other services are available . I 'm back to questioning how much longer we can leave him in this apartment alone . Posted by I 'm sitting in my Dad 's apartment , which feels like a sauna . He 's sitting in the recliner next to me wrapped in a warm blanket , cold . Daughter has changed into a t - shirt , as she was roasting in her sweatshirt . When he goes to bed , I 'll turn down the thermostat in the great room and open the window so I can sleep . I forgot some books I was going to bring - - they were rather important , so I 'm frustrated with myself . Hopefully we didn 't forget anything else . Daughter was super cooperative all day . While we out running errands , she said , " I can 't believe I 've been this cooperative all day ! " I said , " It makes things much easier , when you 're so cooperative . " She agreed . I said , " It 's hard work , being so difficult . " She grinned , and said , " It takes skill . " I love it when she 's able to laugh at herself . I wish she would apply the skill she uses on being so difficult to more constructive pursuits . Hopefully she will be able to maintain the cooperative attitude and her sense of humor under the stress of time with her grandparents . Posted by All the stress and the crud I 've been battling caught up with me last night . I had difficulty falling asleep for the first time , in part because I was thinking about the brewing family crisis , and in part because I was coughing and couldn 't breath . I did , eventually , fall asleep , but did not get up as early as I had planned this morning . When I did get up , Daughter had already cleaned out the car . Now she 's in the kitchen singing as she does something or other . It 's wonderful to have her in a cooperative , upbeat mood . I also woke up this morning with a recommendation for Dad on the family crisis . I had been praying about it last night . Sister called me to see if I could take Dad to a rescheduled doctor 's appointment , and I ran it by her . She liked the idea , too . I 'm drinking tea , hoping to cut the crud and regain my voice . I 'm tempted to call and say we 're not coming until tomorrow , but I hope that once I get showered and finish packing , I 'll be ready to hit the road . I suspect Daughter 's cheery mood wouldn 't last through a postponement in our plans . She wants to go see family , and rightfully so . Posted by Tomorrow we will head out to visit family . Sunday I will preach in my home church . Dad is home , and told me today he can 't get warm . He 's got the apartment at 75 . I keep the house at 60 or 62 . I think I 'll pack shorts . I suggested he put on a hat . He thinks he 's getting a cold . I think we 're going to have lots of fun staying in his one bedroom apartment with him . I had a long conversation with Sister this evening . She was stressing about a situation in the family , and decided to share the stress with me . There are a number of changes going on in the family right now , and it creates stress and can strain relationships . We could have a very interesting time while we 're up there . Hopefully we 'll all enjoy one another 's company and set aside the stress . Daughter wants to leave bright and early in the morning , but I still need to pack , and we need to drop Cat and Kitten at the kennel and stop by the pharmacy . Daughter doesn 't have enough of two medications to make it through the week . I had all of her prescriptions on a schedule where I could pick them all up at once and fill pill boxes for 4 weeks . Her last psychotic episode and the resulting medication change messed all that up . I 'm having to deal with pill boxes much more frequently than I did . Hopefully I 'll be able to get refills timed right again soon . . . . I will have my computer and access to Dad 's wireless network , but I don 't know that I 'll be on as regularly while I 'm up there . I 'll be visiting everyone and taking care of all the things Dad can 't do on his own , plus finalizing a sermon for Sunday . I 'm looking forward to seeing Niece , who is the world 's smartest and most amazing 4 year old . Hopefully Mom will recognize me this trip . . . . Posted by We 've enjoyed breakfast , unwrapped presents , and cleaned up the kitchen . Daughter is now ready to watch a movie . She gave me a new outfit this year ! I was very impressed and touched . I promised her I 'd wear it tomorrow when we go see family . Merry Christmas ! Well , it 's now Christmas morning . Daughter is in bed , hopefully asleep . I 'm still winding down . I made it through the service with the help of my two commuter mugs of hot tea . My voice was not at its best , but I managed . When I went down to light the first advent candle , I sent the Christ candle flying . At least it wasn 't lit yet . Ours is a singing congregation , and so the music was wonderful . I was frustrated that I couldn 't participate in that more tonight . In addition to my voice , there were other little things to remind me I wasn 't at my best . I went in and realized I hadn 't put the Christ child in the nativity scene . I recruited the woman at the end of the first pew to go find it and put it in the manger . I also forget to tell the ushers to turn off the light when we lit the candles . Someone finally went back and showed them how to turn off the lights . All of our ushers were young tonight - - the oldest was 21 , I think . It 's wonderful to have young men who are willing to step up and serve . Beginning in January , revolution hits the church - - we 'll have women sharing the ushering duties . . . . The egg strata for breakfast is in the refrigerator , as are two fruit parfaits . Daughter had decided we needed strawberries with our breakfast in the morning and she was quite disappointed when we got to the grocery store and they were out of fresh strawberries . I took her to the frozen food section and showed her the frozen strawberries . We already had some frozen blueberries , and I picked up some lite vanilla yogurt . We will unwrap gifts while the egg strata bakes , and then we 'll be lazy most of the day . We 'll watch some movies . I may take a nap . We 'll get ready to leave Friday to go see family . We may stay in our pj 's all day . Now I 'm going to go wrap Daughter 's gifts , and then I 'll head to bed . I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas ! I reduced Daughter 's Lantus from 20 to 18 in response to the lows she 'd been having . She was then running high , so I went up to 19 units . For a few days , things were perfect . Then she started running high . I quizzed and questioned her , and she swore she hadn 't been into any food . I finally decided that maybe the Lantus had gone bad , and started a new vial . She continued to run high , and continued to swear she hadn 't been into anything . Yesterday she was high in the morning , but her blood sugars were good the rest of the day . I thought we were getting back on track . This morning her blood sugar was sky high again . I also discovered some cookies were missing . Thinking I had the explanation , I confronted her this morning . Yes , she 'd been into the cookies , but she hadn 't done anything last night , she swore to it . I told her that I 'd thrown out an expensive vial of insulin , trying to get her blood sugars down , and had been about to dispose of another one . She then stormed up to her room because I was so mean as to not trust her , leaving her french toast and sausage to get cold on the table . When she came back down she continued to insist she hadn 't done anything last night . I finally got out of her that she 'd taken more of the spinach and artichoke dip and crackers than I told her she could have for her snack . Of course , she didn 't tell me this until after I asked her specifically if she 'd done it . I get so tired of this . She begs me to trust her . I want to trust her . I can 't follow her around 24 hours a day to monitor her eating . I also can 't safely figure her insulin needs when she is lying to me . She has apologized several times today . She is sincere in her apologies . Tomorrow she may do the same thing , and tell me the same lies . Therapist and I keep telling her we need to be a team to manage her diabetes , and pointing out that lying hurts the team . She knows that . She gets it . She does it anyway . I think it is the part of her illnesses I hate the most . Posted by I 've written before about the disadvantages of living in rural America . There are also advantages . This morning I called about my malfunctioning washing machine . This afternoon the servicemen were here ( yes , plural - - the old guy sold out so he could retire , but still goes on all the service calls ) . They replaced the pulley and the belt , charged me $ 85 , and I 'm now finishing the load that was in the washing machine when it quit . Quick , relatively inexpensive service is an advantage to living here . Of course , When I went in to check on the load I 'd put back in , and the machine once again didn 't spin or pump the water out . It did fine when they tried it when it was empty . They told me that meant the transmission was going . So , I went to Town and bought a new machine . They weren 't planning to do any deliveries tomorrow , but I looked pathetic , and it will arrive tomorrow afternoon . I 'm grateful . We planned to stay here Christmas Day , so I 'll have time to get the laundry done then . Daughter has called me twice from her adventure . She 's having fun . She was worried , because the respite company sent someone new today . She 's getting better at handling new people , which is good . Maybe eventually she 'll be able to go City for shopping , lunch , and a movie without calling to check in with me . I 've been drinking lots of tea , listening to Christmas music from pandora . com , and working on worship for tomorrow night and Sunday . I 'm making progress . I 'm also eating far too many of the nuts that were delivered yesterday from a local funeral home . Yes , each variety has some kind of sweet coating on them . Posted by I woke up this morning coughing and suffering from a post - nasal run ( it was much more than a drip ) . My voice is down in the bass range ( but at least I have a voice ) . I was still struggling with what to do about shut - in communion , so I called the elder who was scheduled to go with me . She thought I sounded horrible , and she had forgotten she had volunteered and made plans to go buy groceries for her mother , who isn 't coping well . We decided it was divine intervention , and I 'd cancel communion for today . Yesterday I noticed that Daughter 's light pink winter jacket was gray approaching black , and told her to give it to me when we got home so I could wash it . She did , and I used about half a bottle of Shout pretreating it and through it into the washing machine . I then went upstairs and settled myself in the den . Daughter was on the computer researching nutrition information on lunch options for her day out today . Suddenly she said , " What 's burning ? " I couldn 't smell anything . I suggested she follow the smell . She headed downstairs and was back very quickly with the report that something was burning on the back porch , though she couldn 't see any flames . I pryed myself out of the recliner and headed down . Once I was in the hall , I could smell something , too . It smelled like the vacuum cleaner after Daughter runs over something she shouldn 't , like fringe on a rug or the pulls on the blinds . I opened the washer with sinking feeling . There was Daughter 's jacket and the various other clothes I 'd put in sitting in a tub full of gray water . I moved it to spin , and heard and awful noise and the odor got worse . I called the appliance repairman . He may get here in an hour or so . I hope he has whatever parts he needs . I think it is all a conspiracy on the part of my major appliances . The refrigerator is in on it , too . The freezer isn 't keeping things frozen while the refrigerator is freezing things . I 'm beginning to suspect that the reason Daughter 's blood sugars are suddenly in the 200 's most of the time is because her Lantus Reverend Mom I have my traditional Christmas sinus infection . I spoke to Dad today , and he was quite concerned , and suggested I do something about it . I 'm not sure if he 's concerned about my health or his - - he 's being discharged from the nursing home tomorrow , and Daughter and I will be invading his one bedroom apartment sometime before the end of the week . I usually end up with sinus infections twice a year : right before Christmas and right before Easter . That whole thing about stress making you more vulnerable to illnesses is certainly true for me . I arrived here in Tiny Village about the same time my doctor joined his brother - in - law 's private practice . That first Holy Week I went to see him with a sinus infection . He said , " Wow , you 're the third minister I 've seen this week . " I could tell he was new . Easter week , we were all stressed and vulnerable to any bug going around . Because we couldn 't afford to be sick , we also went quickly to the doctor . I promised Dad I 'd make an appointment tomorrow if I wasn 't any better . I 'm not real keen on going back to the doctor . After all , last time I went he told me I had diabetes , high cholesterol , and an " area of concern " in my right breast . Complicating things is the fact that I 'm scheduled to take communion to three of the saints tomorrow afternoon . At this point , I probably shouldn 't be breathing on any of them . The first one I 'm supposed to see is Old Man , and he doesn 't need any additional challenges right now . I always hate making these decisions . Do I go visit and risk passing on my illness ? Or do I go see them in January and apologize for not making it before Christmas ? There 's also the whole questions of how hard do I push myself . I need to have a voice and be ready to lead worship at 10 p . m . Christmas Eve . I 'm going to have some difficult decisions to make tomorrow morning . Daughter is going shopping with our respite provider tomorrow . She 's really looking forward to it . I 'm glad she 'll have something fun to look forward tomorrow . Posted by There is a cold front moving in , so the temperature has dropped and the wind has picked up . We 're under a wind / wind chill warning . Attendance was low this morning , and there were those who wondered why we hadn 't canceled worship . I made Daughter walk with me over to the church so I could hang on to her on the icy spots . She couldn 't salt them because the wind immediately blew the salt away . Daughter decided we shouldn 't try to go to town today , and I didn 't argue . This house is brick , except for the back porch , which was added on . The laundry room and a half bathroom are on the back porch . It 's about a mile to the next house west of here . The trees that served as a windbreak died and were removed . In other words we have a wind creating a windchill of about 30 below hitting the back porch . I 've got the two electric baseboards back there on as high as they will go , and after I discovered the hot water line had almost frozen completely , I left water running in the sink . Then Daughter and I came upstairs to watch a movie . She went down to get her meter out of the kitchen , and got an error message - - the meter was too cold to function . With a sinking felling I went downstairs , and sure enough , there is ice in the toilet . The water is on in the kitchen , too . I 've even turned the thermostat up a bit - - I had it set at 60 but it was only 58 in the main hall downstairs so I turned it all the way up to 64 . Yes , I 'm cheap - - and I don 't even pay for the heat , the church does . Daughter 's bedroom also faces west . Last night Daughter had two blankets and two comforters on her bed . She wore socks to bed . I suspect she 'll need more tonight . Tomorrow I have an appointment for a hair cut , so I 'm going to have to go out . Hopefully the power will be back on in Town so I can take care of some other errands I need to run , as well . There is concern that the winds and cold would cause more power failures . Hopefully that won 't happen . Posted by I live in a big beautiful old house that the church provides for me . It is located right next door to the church . There are times when that is an advantage . If I forget something at either home or the church , it 's no big deal to go get it . There are other times it is a pain . My home is viewed as an extension of the church , and as long as I 'm here , I 'm not off duty . I don 't know how many times people have come and caught me in my pj 's . This morning I was being lazy . I had decided we weren 't going anywhere , so I didn 't shower . I was going to put on sweats , but hadn 't gotten around to it yet . The phone rang . An 87 year old gentleman , L , was trying to get into the church with the flowers tomorrow , and he couldn 't get his key to work . He demanded to know if we 'd changed the locks . No . The lock was probably just frozen . I told him I 'd be there in 5 minutes . So , I threw on some clothes and headed out my back door to the office door . Of course I had to pick my way across the ice , but managed to only slip once and didn 't fall ( because I slipped into the building , which is why I was walking next to it ) . I went downstairs to the basement door , and it took effort , but managed to get it open . I stepped outside and saw L was sitting in his car . He saw me and jumped out , grabbing the flowers from his back seat . Seeing that he was going to have to cross some ice , I went over to take the flowers from him . As I offered my hand to steady him across the ice , I considered the possibility that we 'd both end up on the ground . When we got back to the door , I couldn 't turn the knob to let us in . It was still frozen . We got in his car , and drove us around the building to the office door . We took the flowers to the basement and I locked the basement door , which was pointless as it was still impossible to turn the knob from the outside . Then he wanted to talk to me . So we sat down in the office , and he told me he was planning to go visit Old Man that afternoon , and didn 't know what to say to him . They have been friends since their youth , whReverend Mom I have never been known for my coordination and gracefulness . I was the kid who always had at least one skinned knee growing up . It 's probably a good thing I had to wear a dress to school , all my slacks would have had holes in their knees . I do a little better as an adult , but not much . I 've fallen down stairs , and off ladders , and ice is always a disaster for me . Skating and skiing have always been beyond me . I don 't Daughter has witnessed too many of my falls , and they really scare her . We tend to have a lot of ice in the winter . We keep salt or ice melt around , but there have been times when it was too cold for it to work , or I had to be someplace early and hadn 't gotten it out . A number of years ago , Daughter was home sick from school with what I suspected was a UTI . I was headed out the back door with a urine specimen to take to the doctor 's office . I hit a patch of ice on the first step and went flying . My only thought was to protect that urine specimen , and I did . I was sore for a few days , but I successfully delivered the urine and got the prescription for antibiotics she needed . Last Winter I had to go over to the church one icy day . I spread salt ahead of me as I went , and walked on the grass whenever possible . I still fell , terrifying Daughter , who was watching out the front window . At least I fell on the grass , not the hard concrete , so my bruising was not as bad as it might have been . This week we 've had several icy mornings . The first one had poor Daughter freaking out . She put salt on the front and rear steps , but as she left for the workshop , she kept begging me to be careful . That morning I heard stories from two friends about falling on ice in parking lots . By the time I headed out the door to take communion to the nursing home , I was terrified . The back steps do not have any kind of a hand rail , but there are fewer steps and they are much closer to the garage . I must have stood there clinging to the corner of the house for five minutes as I examined the step and sidewalk before me for the safestReverend Mom We had an ice storm last night . Vacation began early for all of the schools in the area . A number of people lost power , but we were fortunate . It flickered some , but we didn 't lose it completely . I thought long and hard about keeping my appointment in City for the follow - up mammogram this morning . I finally decided I was going . I didn 't want it hanging over my head any longer . I went state routes rather than country roads , which meant it took longer , but I wanted to be on treated roads . I was about 15 minutes late , and was lectured for not cancelling the appointment when they found out I 'd drive over 20 miles to get there . I 'm glad I went , as after 3 more painful views , they determined that they had been looking at spots of calcification that had lined up in the first mammogram , but with the new views were spread out and not a problem . Daughter was very relieved . She said she 'd been too scared to ask me why I had an appointment . We went to Sam 's Club and got her hair cut while we were in town . She bought me a Christmas present at Sam 's : Mama Mia on DVD . Ever since we got home she 's been telling me she 'll let me watch it early , like right now . She would also be very willing to watch it with me . It 's been rather amusing . We 'll watch it sometime today , but I have some things I need to get done first . I don 't intend to go back out on the roads anytime soon . I don 't like ice - - though it is pretty on the trees as long as it 's not so much it breaks off major limbs . Posted by This week Secretary and I are working to complete 4 bulletins , the newsletter , plus the usual letters , postcards , etc . that are part of the work of the office . She is leaving Friday on vacation , so we need to have everything done this week . We lost time while Secretary was off following eye surgery , which makes things even more chaotic . Yesterday Secretary decided to come back in the evening to see how much we could get done with the kids ' help . She does therapeutic foster care for a local RTC . She currently has 2 boys . J attends the workshop with Daughter . He has Aspergers . O is a sophomore in high school . He is of normal intelligence but has a disability that makes it impossible for him to organize anything . It is always an adventure when we have these three in the office . Some of things you would have heard us say if you had been there last night : " Stop and listen to what I 'm telling you to do . Stop ! Look at me . Watch what I 'm doing . " " J , stop humming . " " Slow down and do it properly . " " Why do I have so many inserts left over ? Did you print extra ? " " You have to do them one at a time . That 's how you missed putting inserts in 30 bulletins the first time . " " I did do it right ! " " Would you please stop humming and sit down ? " " Stop ! That won 't work , the staples go into the stapler point down . " " The address labels need to be down here , not above the return address . " " Please match up the edges when you are folding bulletins . " " Did you see the way I showed you to do it ? Is that the way you are doing it ? Watch while I show you again . Look at me ! Watch ! " " If you don 't get out of the way and stop humming I 'm going to send you to another room ! " " Please go back through these bulletins to find the ones that are missing inserts and put them in . " Miraculously , by the end of the evening all the newsletters were stapled , labeled , and sorted . Two bulletins were folded with proper inserts in them . The biggest miracle of all ? The kids were still alive and uninjured . Daughter was even in a good mood ! Our favorite story of having our kids at tReverend Mom Yesterday I received a phone call from the hospital in the City . I had gone to one of their satellite centers for my mammogram last Wednesday . I 've had all my mammograms done through this hospital . One year they followed up with an ultrasound , which was fine . I haven 't gone in a couple of years , which isn 't smart . Anyway , there is " an area of concern " in my right breast . They wanted to know when I could come in for further testing . My first thought was " never . " I briefly considered waiting until after Christmas , but it would be better to get it done this year , as I 'm through my co - pay for the year . Also , I don 't want it hanging over my head that long . As I considered my schedule , I decided I couldn 't fit it in until this Friday . So , I 'm going Friday morning . Having figured out a date and time , my next thought was of Daughter . She 's still having a difficult time with my diagnosis of diabetes . She told Therapist this morning that she " freaked out " when she found out I had diabetes . Therapist and I discussed it this morning before she saw Daughter . I thought I had a plan . I 'd drag Daughter with me to the appointment , but focus on the fact that we would make it a fun day in City after I was done . Then I got home and realized that I 'm scheduled to go visit and take communion to one of the saints about 25 miles south of here . We 're going to go early , so we can join her for lunch . That took care of turning it into a fun day . I tried to arrange respite for Daughter , but that didn 't work out . Now I 'm trying to reschedule communion for another day , so I can still turn Friday into a fun day for her . Of course , the rescheduling isn 't going well , either . At least the logistics of seeing to Daughter 's needs and those of my congregation keep my mind of the " area of concern . " I remember the first time I met Old Man . I was interviewing to become pastor here in Tiny Village , and he was on the search committee . He told me how long they 'd been searching for a pastor , and my first thought was , " There must really be something wrong with them if they 've been looking that long . " He and I had to negotiate the salary , and I stood up to him and told him I had 10 years experience and wouldn 't come here for the region 's minimum salary for pastors . We had a few words then , and have had a few words since . I 've worked with him on a number of committees . I was at the hospital the night he caught his hand in a fan on a vehicle he was working on . I was there when he was hospitalized after an accident . We talked several years ago after he was diagnosed with two kinds of cancer . I addressed his fears head on in the usual confrontation style we have with each other . I was surprised and pleased when he threw my words back at me a couple of years later . During that round of cancer , he was treated with radiation , and there were elaborate precautions he was to take when he urinated . He told me it was too much work , so he just went out in the corn field . I told him that years from now scientists would discover these radioactive spots and come up with a complicated theory regarding it being a landing site for aliens . He thought that was hilarious . Years ago he informed me that he had told his kids he didn 't care where I was , they were to bring me back from Timbuktu if they had to to officiate at his funeral . I told him not to worry about it , by then they 'd have a pastor he liked even better than me . Several years ago his daughter encouraged him to talk to me about the arrangements for his funeral . His health has been failing , and the last year or so I most often see him when I go seek him out , often in the barn where he goes to hide from his wife . He was in church yesterday , for the first time in several months . I greeted him with , " Hey , Old Man , how are you ? " He said , " Not good , I have to go find my seat , " and Reverend Mom I was going to take a picture of the table once we had all the food laid out , but I forgot , of course . The open house is over , and it went very well . We had 30 - 40 people come through , and some stayed the entire 2 hours . They ate a lot of food , but there were still a lot of left overs , much of which we sent home with various guests . My strategy of cutting back worked well , and this afternoon instead of cutting things we had planned to do , we were able to add things . We got the upstairs hall , bathroom , and TV room cleaned , so Daughter took the kids upstairs to play with her x - box . She had a blast . She was super cooperative all day , even anticipating my needs . When I came home from church , she was actually doing a job I hadn 't finished before I left . She insisted I clear off the desk in my study , including putting my computer in my briefcase . As a result , I had no distractions , which sped things up significantly . Daughter can be very sneaky at times . We 're both exhausted tonight , but some of the saints stayed to help with clean up , so all the dishes are washed and all the food is put away . We still have to put some things away , but we 're basically in pretty good shape . Someone brought shrimp tonight , and there is left over shrimp in the refrigerator for Daughter . She loves it , but doesn 't get it very often because I 'm allergic to seafood . The It 's going to be a short night , so I need to head to bed . Posted by There are times when Daughter hears voices that alarm Therapist and me . When she starts talking about hearing a witch 's laugh and the devil telling her what to do , we become concerned . There are other times , though , when she says she 's hearing voices because that is the best way she knows to express her distress . Sometimes she 's actually experiencing racing thoughts , which can be related to stress or some mania that 's not being controlled by her medication . For me , the challenge is figuring out what the current situation is . Adding to the challenge is the fact that she is " unreliable . " That 's the nice way I warn people that she lies . She still engages in some of the crazy lying that is part of RAD . She doesn 't do it as much , but as any of you who have spent much time with RADs know , she is very convincing when she 's lying . There are usually warning signs when she 's becoming psychotic . Often she will think I 'm calling her when I 'm not . When this happens and she comes to find out what I wanted , I will often make something up , as I don 't want her to panic about the voices being back . I will also become much more observant . Sometimes the voices will vanish without any problems , other times it will escalate to the point that she needs a medication adjustment or worse case scenario , a hospitalization . This morning I let her sleep in , and she woke up chipper and very affectionate . I 'm getting lots of hugs today . That 's a sign that she 's still stressed , but at least she 's dealing with it appropriately . When I call Dad today , I think I 'll let her talk to him . She is very worried about Grandad . The reality is , he is going to die . Not today or tomorrow , and probably not this year , but it will probably be within the next year or two . Daughter continues to fear abandonment . That 's why she was in such a panic when I forgot my cell phone and she couldn 't reach me . Any threat to the health of a family member is very hard on her . As much as I 've assured her that I 'm going to take care of myself and the diabetes won 't be a problemReverend Mom Daughter came home with her standard complaint when she is stressed . She was hearing voices . There was a time when this sent me into a panic . That day is long past . So I asked a few questions . Her " voices " sound to me like racing thoughts brought on by guilt and anxiety . I explained what I thought was going on , and she acknowledged I was right . I told her she needed to get her ipod and set it to play her Christmas music . If she is still complaining after Christmas , I may talk to the Psychiatrist to see if this is breakthrough mania that needs to be treated . For now , though , I 'm going to teach her coping skills . As I began to prepare to make peppermint bark tonight , she kept insisting she would do it . I kept thanking her for the offer but telling I would do it . Finally , the confession came . She assured me this morning she hadn 't been into anything that had caused her blood sugar to be over 200 . Actually , she 'd taken the vanilla bark upstairs , and eaten a square of it . I thanked her for telling me the truth . She told me she was afraid to tell me the truth . I asked why she was afraid , and asked if I ever screamed and hollered at her when she finally told me the truth . She admitted I didn 't , but couldn 't explain her fear . I asked if it would be easier if I did scream and holler at her . She couldn 't explain it all . Amazingly , once she told me the truth , her mood lightened . She went downstairs and brought up some things from the basement . She later told me that the voices had been telling her all day that she was going to fall . I 've often wondered if some of her accidents and injuries were attention seeking devices . I think I have the answer now . She maneuvered the stairs without falling , and is now singing as she works . She has also decreed that this will be the last Christmas Open House . I 'm inclined to agree with her at this point , but will probably change my mind . I do enjoy having all the people stop in , even though it is a great deal of work getting ready for it . The beautiful wreath in the picture was a gift froReverend Mom Tuesday I found out I have diabetes , and Wednesday I started on medication . This morning my blood sugar was 96 , down 30 points from Wednesday . I 've also lost a couple of pounds . It 's a small thing , but it shows me that with God 's help I can control my eating in the midst of the stress and temptations of the holiday season . If I can do it now , I can do it long term , and become healthier . While my blood sugar is coming down , Daughter 's is going up . I wish I knew if it were connected to sneaking food . She insists she 's not , of course . I 'll be glad when the Open House is over and we can give away the temptations around here . I also think that for now , I 'd rather she run a little high than endure 5 hour lows . Posted by Daughter has this amazing ability to move in slow motion . She 's not trying to do it , she just is set at a slow rate . She 's making chocolate covered pretzels tonight . She dips the pretzel in a small crock pot with melted chocolate in it and then places it on wax paper . I think it 's taking her about a minute for each pretzel . She was helping me brown some meat this weekend , and she was very slowly stirring the top . I showed her how to dig in under the bottom and turn it over , but she just wasn 't comfortable doing that . When she 's working on something , I try not to be around watching , because it drives me crazy . When she was working in the cafeteria at the career center , they would encourage her to speed up . Any encouragement to speed up causes her to get stressed , start shaking , and move more slowly . It 's one of the reasons she 's not ready for community employment . She came to me tonight asking to make chocolate chip cookies with Splenda and the chocolate covered pretzels . I told her one project was enough , and she could do the chocolate covered pretzels . She has a terrible time finishing projects , and sure enough , after less than 30 pretzels , she was asking me to take over . I told her she needed to work on it a while longer . I also pointed out that this was why I didn 't want her taking on both projects tonight , since she has so much trouble completing things . Dad is really improving since they got the fluid off his lungs . He 's been working a couple of hours a day in PT and today received permission to walk a certain distance in the hall alone , so he was going out about every 15 minutes to walk the hall . He wants to be home for Christmas . I 'm glad he 's doing so much better . I had a phone interview tonight , and he 's been talking about it all week . As soon as it was over I called him . The first words out of his mouth : " How was the interview ? " I think it went well , but we 'll have to see . Daughter is stressed about a possible move . I keep reminding her that the first place God called me made it possible for me to adoptReverend Mom Today I told Sister that I have diabetes . She was not surprised or shocked , and began to try to remember if she had over or under 50 , and since I 'm 50 , did that count as over or under . It turns out she and Brother have had a bet for years about how old I 'd be when I was diagnosed with diabetes . She said they had to modify it because the original bet was over / under 40 . She then informed me I 'd better tell Brother right away , because she was going to call him to settle up . I knew he was in training today , so I sent him a text telling him to call me when he had time about my doctor 's appointment . He left the training and called immediately . I said , " I can 't believe my family would bet on my health ! " His voice became excited , and he said , " Oh ! You mean you have diabetes ? " He was pleased ! The funny thing is , he can 't remember whether he had over / under either , so they 'll have a difficult time settling up . Fortunately , I have a sense of humor . Besides , Brother is more than 11 years younger than I am , and he had to go on cholesterol medication before I did . When he calls back , I will remind him of that . . . . Yesterday evening Sister went to visit Dad and figure out why his cell phone was going straight to voice mail ( which wasn 't set up ) . He couldn 't figure out how to plug the charger into it , so the battery was dead . Faraway Sister had asked Sister to set up his voice mail , so Sister did . She put a message on it that said , " You have reached _____ cell phone . At the tone , leave a message , and if he can remember how to retrieve it , he 'll call you back . " He thought it was funny . Sister called and left him a message , and he was able to retrieve it with her there . We 'll see how he does when she 's not there coaching him . She 's going to stop by again today , so she can make sure the cell phone is charged and that he 's managing it okay . Now that he knows how to charge , it retrieve voice mail , and has a ring tone he can hear , hopefully he 's set . Sister said he was better yesterday than she 's seen him in well over a month , so that was good news . He was also able to tolerate 2 hours of PT yesterday morning , and had been sitting up most of the day . Until yesterday , he hadn 't been able to handle therapy and was spending most of the day in bed . I am more optimistic now that he will recover from this crisis . I went for the dreaded mammogram this morning - - it actually wasn 't that bad this time . I left Daughter outside waiting on the bus , which was running an hour behind schedule . I also managed to leave my cell phone at home . When I got home , there was a message on my machine from one of the saints informing me Daughter was at there house . The workshop cancelled after I left , and Daughter didn 't want to be home alone . She started calling people . I think she has half of the county programmed into her cell phone . The first person she called was sick , so she couldn 't go there . Aunt was 140 miles away , so not much help . Therapist gave her a pep talk about how she could stay home alone . She wasn 't comfortable , so ended up with these folks on the north side of Tiny Village . I called and thanked them for rescuing a stray and told them theyReverend Mom I got the call from my doctor 's office a little while ago . I officially have type 2 diabetes . It 's not a surprise . Dad was 5 years younger than I am when he got it . They 're calling in prescriptions for the diabetes and for high cholesterol . I need to get very serious about diet and exercise . I don 't think my diet has been that bad , but it does need improvement . I 've not done well at all on exercise , so that needs to change . I guess I didn 't have enough stress in my life this week . . . . But lets focus on the good news . Daughter made it through the day without calling me to come get her because she was low . In fact the only phone call from her was to ask for guidance regarding how much pizza she could eat at lunch time . In other good news , I called the appliance repairmen , and they were out within a couple of hours . My dryer is now working again , and it only cost me $ 77 . They fixed two problems , so hopefully the dryer will work much more efficiently now . Daughter and I will head into Town when she gets home . We 'll pick up my new prescriptions , and I 'll also buy the part I need to fix the toilet upstairs . I 've become an expert toilet repair person during my 12 years here . Our sulfur water eats through all kinds of things , creating all kinds of problems . Posted by This morning I woke up at 4 : 30 to go to the bathroom . Usually when I wake up at this time , I have no trouble going right back to sleep . This morning I couldn 't go back to sleep , so I got up a little after 5 : 00 . I realized part of the reason I couldn 't fall back to sleep was that I was well rested . I got to bed at a reasonable time , and Daughter didn 't need to wake me up through the night . Saturday night , she woke me up because I 'd tied her head wrap too tight . Sunday night , she woke me up when her blood sugar dropped into the 40 's . Last night , she slept through the night . She 's been sleeping on the floor beside my bed since she started having all of these low blood sugars . She wanted to sleep in my bed with me , but I wouldn 't let her . I know she 's anxious when she 's having these lows . I sleep better , too , knowing she 's on the floor next to me . I figure that makes it more likely I 'll hear her and wake up if her blood sugar drops and she has a seizure . I reduced her Lantus last night , and that seems to have helped . She was low at bedtime last night , so after some juice she had a bigger than normal snack . This morning her blood sugar is 136 , which is a little higher than I 'd like for morning , but I 'm not going to complain . She was up before the alarm , too . Hopefully it will be a better day for both of us and her blood sugars will continue to be in range . The mothers ' club is providing pizza for lunch at the workshop today . I 'll send them in nutrition information from Pizza Hut , and they 'll have to calculate the carbs and insulin for her lunch . Maybe she 'll be able to ride the bus home today . The workshop is 12 miles from here , so it would be wonderful if I didn 't have to go get her . I 'll have a busy morning in the office . I need to get busy writing articles for the January newsletter . We need to have it done early this month , as Secretary is leaving on vacation December 19 . It 's amazing how much more manageable the day seems after a good night 's sleep ! Posted by Today is the fourth day Daughter has had one of her persistent lows . Her Novolog ( fast acting insulin ) has been reduced for every meal today , and since that hasn 't done the trick , I 'll reduce her Lantus ( long acting basal insulin ) this evening . Fortunately , I was in town when she called today . I had just been to the grocery store and bought more juice boxes for the workshop . I 'd bought some on Friday , but she had used all of them treating lows over the weekend . So , I delivered the juice boxes and picked up Daughter . I have to give them credit , they are doing a much better job of not panicking over her diabetes these days , for which I am very grateful . Daughter is dealing with all of this pretty well . I 'm finding it an annoyance , and am working hard at not over reacting . A couple of times this weekend I wondered if we were headed to an ER trip , but we managed to get her blood sugars back up , so it wasn 't necessary . I hope the reduction in her Lantus tonight will solve the problem . I saw my doctor this morning , and will go for a long overdue mammogram on Wednesday morning . I also talked to Dad , who sounded a little down . He told me he was back on his diuretic , and said he 'd done upper body exercises this morning . His hip had been bothering him too much to work on the lower body . If he wants to get home , he 'll have to do lower body exercises at some point . He 's going to have to get his strength back , and that will take some walking and such . At this point I will be quite pleasantly surprised if he 's home for Christmas . Amid all the stress , I 'm making time for self - care and doing things to ease my stress . I recently discovered Pandora Radio , and have been listening to lots of soothing music as I work . Music helps ease my stress level . Yesterday I pointed out to the women working on the Christmas program for next Sunday that the first Christmas wasn 't pretty . It was messy and chaotic . Jesus was born far from home in a stable because the inn was packed with travelers . In our attempts to celebrate Christmas , we seek aftReverend Mom I was at the church for almost 12 hours yesterday - - I went over at 8 : 15 yesterday morning , and got home at 8 : 15 last night . I was home for about 2 hours in the afternoon - - time I spent in the kitchen getting food ready for the youth group event yesterday . It was a good day . We finalized plans for the Christmas program next Sunday morning , and I spent time with the youth group . Have I mentioned lately how much I love the youth group ? Yesterday they went caroling here in town , and then ate chili and hot dogs and wrapped presents for their Christmas family . I also led a Blue Christmas service yesterday evening . I was doing fine until one of the women sang " Where Are You Christmas ? " I looked over at Daughter , and she was crying . I was pleased with the way the service went . As soon as the service was over , Daughter 's blood sugars began dropping . I was grateful that she waited until my church responsibilities were over to begin dropping . Once she started dropping , though , it was a long night . We got her up to 90 around 10 : 00 , and then she was in the 40 's at midnight . She pigged out on cookies after the midnight low , and then misread her meter this morning , telling me her blood sugar was 44 instead of 244 , so she we treated a nonexistent low this morning . She lobbied hard to stay home today , but I have a great deal to do today and need her to go to work . I wish we could figure out what was causing these lows . They take a toll on her . This morning I have an appointment with my doctor for a long overdue physical . I find myself wondering if today will be the day I 'm diagnosed with diabetes . I already have prediabetes . I wonder if I will do a better job of managing my own disease than we do with Daughter 's . Sister called this morning . The nurse practitioner saw Dad yesterday . He has fluid in both lungs , so she 's started him back on a diuretic . The fluid is getting into his lungs more quickly now . It 's probably the reason he was too weak to do physical therapy on Friday . Sister was talking to the nurses at the nursing home , Reverend Mom Tomorrow 's sermon title is " Waiting in Peace . " I 'm using Isaiah 40 and 2 Peter 3 : 8 - 15 . If I were to summarize the sermon in one sentence , it would be something like , " We can face any challenge with the peace and confidence that comes from knowing Christ will return and everything will be made right . " As is often the case , I find that this speaks directly to the challenges in my life currently . Daughter hasn 't felt good all day , and has slept much of it . After running high all day , her blood sugar dropped 200 points in the hour after supper . She is sitting across from me consuming glucose tabs , cookies and milk while complaining that her stomach hurts . I 'm trying to get her blood sugar out of the 60 's , without much success . I had a long talk with Sister , who went to visit Dad today . Brother had assured us the nursing home was taking care of everything . The nursing home had no idea of his history of congestive heart failure . He still isn 't back on a diuretic , and his eyes are now getting puffy . He was too weak to do his physical therapy yesterday . The elbow that was being treated with IV antibiotics in the hospital is hot and red again . Sister had a long conversation with his nurse , who took careful notes . He will see a nurse practitioner tomorrow . The Open House is a week from tomorrow . We only accomplished a fraction of what I wanted to get done today , for a variety of reasons . Tomorrow I 'm tied up all day with church stuff - - worship , advent brunch , youth group caroling and supper , Blue Christmas service . Monday I have two doctors appointments . I 've got commitments 4 nights this coming week . The dryer died today . I 'm not sure how we 'll get it all done . I 've had a tic in my left eye most of the day today . Somehow peace seems elusive right now . I know that whatever happens my Dad will be okay . Brother is getting married in February . I hope Dad will still be with us and able to attend . Posted by Daughter was in a good enough mood this morning . Though she wasn 't real thrilled when I looked in her room and said , " I thought you told you 'd cleaned your room . " I had a couple of calls from her today , but nothing major . Then this afternoon she called to tell me her blood sugar had dropped from over 200 to 90 . Within 20 minutes it was in the 50 's and I was on my way to pick her up . I took her to a Chinese buffet where she ate everything in sight . She didn 't take insulin , but after a quick run through Walmart her blood sugar was back in the 50 's . . . . I 'm sure that part of her acting out this evening is connected with the low . They always take a toll on her . But by the time we got home , she was pretty chipper . Then I mentioned that covering up the dirty spot on the bathroom floor with the package of toilet paper didn 't get her out of mopping the floor , and mentioned I thought that the bathroom counter should be toothpaste free . That set her off and and started the rage . I guess I 'm just too critical . She calmed down and apologized , and acknowledged that she hadn 't done a good job with the bathroom yesterday . I told her I knew that the low had taken a lot out of her , and then had a flash of insight . She has been bugging quite often about moving closer to family . Each time I patiently explain that we need to wait for God to call me to the right church , and that God will know when it is right for us to move . She has been frustrated and impatient with the process . It doesn 't help that two years ago at this time I almost received a call that we were both really excited about . Since that time , there haven 't been any interviews . Part of the time I put the search on hold because she wasn 't stable enough to handle a move . I told her today that a church about an hour from family wants to do a phone interview next week . She was excited , and ready to move immediately . I explained to her that this was just the beginning of the process , and she needed to be patient . She didn 't want to hear that , of course . So when she calmed dowReverend Mom Daughter came home in a cooperative mood . She knows I have people coming this evening for pre - marital counseling . She fixed supper tonight , and has been working at getting the living room and downstairs hall cleaned up . I 've been at the computer , trying to figure out what I 'm doing for our Blue Christmas Service on Sunday evening . I had hoped to have the bulletin done for that so it could be printed today , but didn 't manage to do that with everything else we were working on this morning . Secretary will come in tomorrow morning and we 'll get it printed then . I told Daughter I had decided we 'd done enough decorating for this year . She was very pleased to hear that . I guess we 're both Scrooges . We still have quite a bit of cleaning to do , but I 'd rather do that than decorate . I 'll do a bit more baking , as well . But we 're going to aim for a peaceful holiday . I lit candles in the fire place and turned on the Christmas tree lights tonight . It 's very pleasant in the living room . I enjoyed meeting with the couple who were here for the counseling . They are going to face some challenges , so hopefully I can give them the tools to build a successful marriage . One of my kids came by with the FFA Christmas ham I bought after they left . Daughter was already in her pj 's , so that sent her running up the stairs . I pointed out that it 's not Christmas yet , he just shrugged . He sold $ 1300 worth of hams and citrus fruit this year . The nursing home claims the 26 lbs Dad has gained is due to his clothing , 3 units of blood , and not being dehydrated . I hope they 're right , but I 'm skeptical . Brother thinks Sister is over reacting . Sister thinks Brother is ignoring a dangerous situation . I 'm trying to stay out of it . As I pointed out to Sister , this nursing home took good care of Dad last time he was there , and if they are monitoring him closely and he is in congestive heart failure , they 'll figure it out quickly . I 'm going to put that aside and focus on the situation here . I 'm almost done figuring out the Blue Christmas service . As I find Reverend Mom Mom was a Christmas perfectionist . She 'd let us decorate the tree , then after we went to bed she 'd rearrange all the ornaments and make sure the tinsel was on perfectly . She 'd go outside to make sure it looked perfect from the street . She spent December baking - - all sorts of cookies , including Santa 's that had intricate decorations . We could never help decorate , because they had to be done perfectly . The cookies were then arranged very artistically on plates to be delivered to the neighbors . The plate for each neighbor took into account their likes and dislikes and the number of children they had . In other words , she was the only one who could fix the plates , though she did allow us to deliver them . She made our Christmas cards , which always included a picture . There were years when getting the four of us to all look angelic in the same picture was quite an ordeal . She refused to send a generic letter . Each card had to have a personal note , often with comments on their letter from the previous year . From Thanksgiving through the New Year , there would be a card table set up where she would be working on Christmas cards in whatever moments she could grab . We couldn 't help with the cards , either , because they had to be perfect . By the time we got to Christmas , everyone was on edge . Here in Tiny Village , I live in a big , beautiful house provided by the church . It was built in 1900 , and has beautiful woodwork throughout . The first year I moved here , Mom had a great time buying all the Christmas decorations that wouldn 't fit in her house . I had garlands hanging over the large entrances to the living room and study . There were garlands over the windows in the living room and dining room ( each carefully measured to make sure it hung evenly , of course ) . There were Christmas trees and poinsettias and all sorts of treasures . Being my mother 's daughter , I have dutifully pulled out all the decorations each year . Remembering the stress decorations caused growing up , I have never really enjoyed putting them all out . But I 've donPosted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .

I want to end the week with some recent pictures I took of the evening sky . I had some similar pictures before that I really liked a lot , so when I saw the sky at sunset again I ran over and got some more . This time I decided to do a few different things though . These are even better . I took these pictures in several different directions and I zoomed the camera in and out to show things in different perspectives . I brought you four of them , but I had many more I wish I could have shared . There 's just so much time we all have to read a post though , so I limited this as much as I could . I took this one above while I was facing directly to the south . it gives a different view of what it looks like at sunset here . The hills in the background are actually much much bigger than the picture shows . I haven 't been able to do them justice so far . I zoomed in the camera just as bit with this one . I wanted to get more red in the picture . I could have just cropped one of the other pictures , but it wouldn 't have been quite the same or quite as good that way . I liked the extra red in the last one so I decided to zoom even closer . They look totally different from each other , and now I have an all red sky in the background . I really love the effects the sky gave me for all of these . I 've had a very busy day , probably unrelated to nature . The town was cutting down a few trees that were in the way , so I followed the workers around and collected the wood that was left over . I need all the wood I can get to heat my house . It was a lot of work , and I did so much that it made me sick . I 'm feeling much better now . I can burn some of the wood while it 's still green , and I can store some of the rest for next year . I still don 't have enough to last me through the winter because I got here too late and my dad was just too sick to gather any himself . I 'm glad I got to be here with him for his final days . I still miss him a lot . He was a remarkable man . He had the knowledge of Crocodile Dundee , but also the temper of Yosemite Sam if you crossed him . Good news , everyone ! I did a little bit of research and I found out that Stone Park is not closed for the winter . It is indeed open ! It may have been closed on Christmas Day , when I was there . I found out that Dorothy Pecaut Nature Center down the street is closed on most holidays , so that may have been the case for Stone Park too . There 's only one problem with all of that though . that road had obviously been closed for quite a bit longer than just one or two days . Snow was plowed right up to the gate , and it had been there for awhile . That seems to complicate things a bit . Oh , and the picture of the bird 's nest at the top of the post ? It was one of the interesting things I found right away while I was in Stone Park . It may not seem like much to some people , but it 's a sign of life . And that 's always a good thing . Nature Center Magazine - Your starting place for nature ! Today I want to show you some of the hills in Stone Park that you can see right as you go in . This whole park is almost all hills , and big ones . Everywhere you go you are surrounded by these hills . These are the same hills that border the town I live in . You just can 't see them in my pictures because of all the trees . This park really is a very beautiful place . Once I 'm able to really explore the park , I 'll be able to show you the miles and miles of hiking trails . Most of these trails go up and down hills . I remember years ago being slightly afraid to go down one very steep trail . I still went . Some of the hills in the park are so high up that you might as well be standing on a mountain . There is one place where you can look over a safety fence at the highway below , and you 'll see the cars are so far down that they look like toys . From up there you can see all the way to another state . I want to clarify something I talked about yesterday . The smell in the park wasn 't very bad at all . It was a little bit noticeable that day , but that 's how nature is sometimes . The really bad smell I talked about was in another place many years ago . But let 's get back to today 's story . I had many more pictures like this from Stone Park on Christmas Day , but these aren 't the really great sights from this place . And these are enough for now anyway . I have one more interesting feature from the park I 'll bring to you tomorrow , and after that I 'll show you some better views of the area between here and my home . Those are really good . Until then . . . Even though it was closed , I did it . I parked my truck outside the locked gate . Opened the back and let the dog out . And I walked into the park . That makes me a daring adventurer and a shameless rule breaker ! Yeah ! Of course I didn 't go very far . I would have just left without ever going in , but poor Isabella had such a pitiful look on her face . We came all this way to go to this giant nature park only to have to turn back around and go home ? And poor Isabella rides in a cage when we go on trips . I couldn 't disappoint her further . So we walked past the gate and wandered over to the first fork in the road . Isabella was in heaven , sniffing up all sorts of new smells . When she gets going she sounds like a car with a flat tire , flumpalump flumpalump . I smelled some smells too , but only smells from things that came out of the wrong end of a lot of large wild animals . Uhhhh ! Those bad smells are the kind of thing you have to expect if you like enjoying nature though . It becomes easy to ignore after a few minutes . A few looong minutes ! After awhile you begin to associate some of those bad odors with fun adventures , so they 're not reqally that bad . Now , the worst smell I ever smelled came one time when I was over in Nebraska , just across the border from here . Driving past a place with thousands and thousands of cows that were packed very close together . Unfortunately the windows were down at the time , and that smell came right in . I rolled up the windows much too late , but that didn 't slow that odor down anyway . I thought I might die that day . Huh ? Oh ! Sorry . That was just some sort of bad flashback . Let 's finish my story . Even though we didn 't stay long enough , the dog got to sniff out several little areas near the parking area . We had a pretty good time , even though it didn 't last very long . But after a few more pictures it was going to have to end . I have a little story today that I guess can only be described as amusingly disappointing . I 'm beginning to think that my timing is just off for everything right now . Even so , I still got some pretty good nature pictures from the little adventure I 'm going to tell you about . Okay , let 's go ! But I knew another place to go , and I knew how to get into that one . This time I was going to visit Stone Park , which is a very well known place to anyone who lives around here . I had plans to go up to the highest hill there and get some good pictures of the countryside . There are some great views from the higher places in Stone Park . So I packed up on Christmas Day to go to Stone Park . It would be my special Christmas present to me and Isabella . This place is about 14 miles from where I live , but it 's a straight shot down the road , so it doesn 't seem very far at all . It 's actually one of the closest places from my little town . It 's just on the north edge of Sioux City . When I got there everything looked pretty good . The main gates were open , unlike the ones at Dorothy Pecaut Nature Center . Everything should be just fine because the weather is excellent here right now . I drove in around a curve in the road right after I got the pictures of the sign out front . What looks like a wall of trees in the picture above is only partially trees . Behind the trees is a huge mountainous hill . This park is almost all hills . These hills represent where I live better than most pictures I 've shown you so far . I live on the edge of these hills . The land is flatter if you go east or west from me , but north and south are all hills . I feel an instinctive feel of being home when I see these hills . I 'll be saying that a lot whenever I show them to you because it 's just so true deep down inside of me . When I got around the little curve in the road , i was greeted with another gate . This one was very closed ! It was now fully apparent to me that they had closed the roads here for the winter . Nooooo ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The snow that is piled up at the gate in the picture above is obviously from our only heavy snowfall since I 've been here . Most of that melted a couple of weeks ago . But in some places where it has been piled up , there are still some traces of it . There 's also a little bit of snow on the road here in the park . I was more disappointed that I can even describe here . I had come all this way with such enthusiasm , and the park was closed ! Well , I wasn 't going to let this stop me completely . I parked and let Isabella out and we walked past that closed sign just a little ways . I made sure I let Isabella sniff out as many interesting smells as I could , and I took some pictures of the surrounding area . We stayed for as long as we could before I decided we had seen all we could see for this trip . All wasn 't lost , because we at least got to take a little trip away from the house . I 'll have to find out what the rules are for walking around in the park for the winter . If I can do that then I 'll go back again halfway soon . Otherwise , it looks like I 'll have to wait until spring . In the meantime , there 's still plenty of nature to be seen around here outside of the parks . And I still have plenty of good things from this little trip to share in my upcoming posts . This European Starling was up in the top of this tree singing his little heart out . I was out looking for birds to photograph , so this presented a perfect opportunity for me . The starlings seem to like these trees around here right now , so I can easily find a few of them every day right now . These birds are sometimes considered to be invasive pests , but they don 't bother me at all . I guess I 'm not the one they 're invading . Anyway , they are good subjects for my posts , so I won 't go too much into the pest thing . I think this will be one of those rambling posts where I talk about different things though . Let 's see . . . I 've been able to stick halfway close to my old posting schedule for the last two weeks now . It feels good to get on here and write whatever strange thing I 'm thinking . And I really do try to make what I write at least a little bit on the strange side , otherwise what fun would this really be ? The internet is the best place to write or say any old crazy thing you want . If you aren 't already blogging and writing down some of the things that pop into your head , then maybe you should give it a try . I 've been able to really expand the things I write since I started this . One thing I always wanted to do was to write fiction stories . At first I had trouble writing the stories I thought up , but now over at Rat Tales I have some pretty good short stories for anyone to read . This nature stuff is pretty good too though . Above is that starling in the tree . This picture shows everything a little more like I saw it with my own eyes . It 's great to be able to zoom in with the caera to get close up shots of something so far away . I 'm considering going down the road soon to one of the nature parks so I can show you a few good views from the top of the hills around here . I hope I can get myself to do that . It 's hard to make myself go too far right now because there 's so much to do around here and there 's so much nature right outside my door . I 'm going to take the weekend off from posting , but I 'm sure I 'll be visiting other blogs . I 'll be back hopefully by Monday with pictures of a UFO or a Sasquatch or some other strange thing , but I 'll most likely have pictures of hills or more starlings or a squirrel or something . Come on Bigfoot , I know you 're out there waiting for me ! The pictures you see here were taken by me about three years ago . I enhanced them a little bit last night to bring the color out a little bit . When I was writing yesterday 's post about the fox squirrel in one of my backyard trees , I began thinking of this little red squirrel that I encountered a few times in 2008 . The pictures were so similar to each other , so I began wondering what ever became of this little red squirrel . I know I 'll never find out , but I hope it is still alive and healthy . the odds of that aren 't great , but I still hope . This was the first red squirrel I ever saw . It looked so different from any other squirrel I ever encountered that I wondered if it was even a tree squirrel at all . I was still kind of new to many things in nature , so I wondered if this squirrel might be some kind of chipmunk . This squirrel seemed so much more feisty than even other supposed normal squirrels . It ran up and scolded me as I walked towards it , and then it ran away to hide in this small pine tree . It stayed there hoping I wouldn 't find it in there , but after a bit of a search I found its hiding place . I dedicated three posts to this one little incident . I even made a game of finding this little guy in the tree . Many of you might remember it . The beautiful thing about taking all of these nature pictures is that we can go back and look at them over and over as much as we want . This is such a good memory for me . This is a guest post done for advertisement purposes . The service offered might be of some interest to you . My usual post for today is just below this one . Travelling abroad although fun , can be a hassle . Especially if you are in a foreign country and are unable to understand the language they are speaking . Whilst a handy phrase book may get you by for a few days or a week , if you are looking for a more long term solution you might want to try an interpreting agency . One picture today , yes , just one picture ! But it 's one that I like . This is the little squirrel that lives in my backyard . I came upon it as it was out visiting some of the other trees and I was out walking Isabella . I must have surprised the poor little thing because I was at a different place than I usually am . I saw the little squirrel scurrying through the trees , but when he saw me he quickly ran behind these branches and wouldn 't come back out . I waited for quite some time , but the little squirrel stayed in this one spot the whole time . I stood there taking picture after picture hoping to get a clearer view , but I ended up with this same picture about twenty times . Eventually I gave up and went away , probably to this poor little guy 's great gratitude . The dog wanted some excitement , so we found her a good place to pee , her favorite thing to do . A short but good adventure . I had much bigger computer problems than I thought . I expected to have a post up yesterday , but it seems like everything fell apart at once for me . I already knew my computer was messed up a bit , and it still is . If I disappear unexpectedly , that means my computer died before I could get parts . The other problem I had was that my internet went down for the second time in a week Friday afternoon . I had to wait until Monday to get it fixed . They finally found the problem for the internet was at the main telephone box down the street . And so now that I 'm back , the real subject is my pictures for today . I had no idea what I was going to see when I went to the front of my house and down to the creek to get these . The sun was going down and I was out in the back putting wood in my stove when I saw something peculiar in the still daytime sky . You can see in these pictures that while the Sun was going down , there was still some daylight out there . It was much brighter to my eyes than to the lens of the camera . But what was it that I was seeing then ? It wasn 't this red glow . No , not yet . The house was blocking that from sight at the moment . So what was it ? Take a look at the red circle that I 've drawn towards the right of the picture . In the center you should see a white spot . I was seeing that in the sky as it was still daylight ! I ran out to the front of the house with my camera hoping to get a better view , only to find it obscured behind the trees . And I also found that brilliant evening sunset glow . So after getting those other pictures and trying in vain to find a good angle for that spot in the sky , I finally went out back as it got a little darker . I took this picture as I looked out over my garage . I 'm guessing that the glowing object in the sky is the planet Venus , but I 'm not 100 % sure . At first I thought it must be an airplane because it was still so light outside . But then as the light faded , other stars began to appear in the sky . I 've only ever seen an effect like this once before , and I 'll only mention that over at Rat Tales some day . The stars actually came out before it got dark ! That is a little bit scary to me for reasons I can 't explain here . But it is also very fascinating . That night I saw my third shooting star since I 've been living here these past few months . They 're the only ones I 've ever seen now . Seeing each of these things was a magical experience . Seeing them all on the same day / night was something even better . I wonder what it all means . I took these photos you see today while driving home in the rain on Wednesday . Most of our snow has melted away for now , and it is much warmer than it was just a week before . I wanted some spectacular views of the hills to show you , but the weather just isn 't cooperating right now . I had these grand plans to show you some of the sights I saw when I came this way a couple of weeks ago , but the rain and the dark clouds obscured everything in sight . I still am determined to share these pictures with you . I took them while I was driving because I didn 't want to stop and get out of the truck in the rain . You may also have noticed that I 've been posting much more often recently . That 's because I 've discovered a new motivation for blogging . Well , not exactly a new motivation , but I think I may have recaptured some of that same feeling I had when I first began blogging . I 've even been able to find the time to answer all the comments here individually for the last several posts . I 've always been a fan of answering comments . I make sure I go back and check all the blogs where people answer their comments . It really makes things much more fun , even though it can become time consuming for a blogger to do it . I wish I would have never stopped answering my comments before . But I have a serious problem that might just ruin my plans of returning to my old blogging self . There is something seriously wrong with my computer ! The monitor keeps blinking on and off into sleep mode , and I can 't usually get it to come out of it . My keyboard that I 've had for years has stopped working , so I 'm having a difficult time typing anything right now . My internet connection even died on me the other day , so I had to have a guy from my internet company come out and replace my modem yesterday . It was really good service , so I didn 't miss a beat there . But it seems that everything is falling apart all at once on me . I have plenty of computer parts , but they 're all still in Michigan . So right now I don 't know what I 'll do if I can 't get this machine working right again . Before I go this time , I 'd like to point you over to Rat Tales where I have a story of five episodes currently ongoing . It 's called " Fair " , and I 'm very proud of it . I think it may be my best yet . The fourth episode will come out Monday morning . I compare this dark tale to something you might see on the old Twilight Zone TV show . Hey you ! I 've got a little story to tell you . Don 't worry , it won 't take long . This story is about a strange encounter I had with a little raccoon the other day . Many of you know about the wood stove I have behind my house . I was out there at the stove talking to my neighbor . We were chatting about the glories of wood burning . My dad taught both of us how to burn wood to keep our houses warm . It was in the middle of this discussion that I saw what I thought must be a cat wandering around in the distance . As I began to focus my eyes on that supposed cat though , I began to realize that it was no cat at all . It was a raccoon ! That 's when I said to my neighbor , " Hey ! There 's a raccoon over there ! " Right about at that time the raccoon turned and came ambling over in our direction . My neighbor still didn 't see the creature coming over , but he said they 've been here before . The raccoon then began to head straight for his front porch , which is completely open underneath . It rooted around there for a few minutes and then to my amazement the raccoon came wandering over a few feet away from us and began digging around in a pile of old leaves on the ground . The raccoon was completely at ease around us . By this time , as we discussed the raccoon 's activities , I was telling my neighbor about this blog and how I take pictures of animals like this raccoon . I then dcided I couldn 't take it any longer , so I excused myself for a few seconds to run in and grab my camera . I had to get pictures of this excitement ! I was so excited that I was going to get some more great pictures of a raccoon ! I had the camera all prepared by the time I got back out the door . But then when I lifted the camera up and pointed it at the raccoon , the creature quickly scampered away to the safety of the underside of my neighbor 's porch ! Once we realized that the raccoon wasn 't going to come back , we went back to discussing our firewood situation . We both needed more firewood for this winter , and we were already making plans for the next one . The little raccoon sighting was exciting and fun , but it was now time to get back to business . I 'm sure that many of you have noticed that my posting schedule has increased lately . Up until my car accident I was posting every day here at The Everyday Adventurer . Ever since then my posting has been erratic at best , but my goal has always been to get back to my old posting schedule of every single day . So this is an attempt to get a little closer to that . The view in the pictures today is what I see at the southern end of my property . The background is blocked by trees . The trees are actually growing on the edge of a ravine with a creek at the bottom . If you look through the trees , you can see some hills in the background . These are the northern end of the Loess Hills which cover the west part of the state of Iowa from north to south . Just beyond the view in my pictures the hills become so high that it seems like you are in mountains . As far as I know , the rest of the state and the surrounding states are mostly flat . I love these hills , and I always have . This is the place that my family comes from , and there is even a section of these hills that are named after us . I found out only recently that my dad went to school right here in the small town I live in . The town may be small , but its borders are actually large . The whole countryside around us is technically part of our town . Inside our borders are two huge and well known nature parks , Broken Kettle Grasslands and Five Ridge Prairie State Preserve . Both of those places are only a few miles down the road from me . I 've told you of my quest to find the entrance to them . I finally did find the way to get there , but I think I 'm going to wait until spring time now . I 'm not yet prepared to drive through these high hills in the snow . Okay , I think that 'll do it for today . I 'll try to bring you another post tomorrow , but if it takes me longer then it takes me longer . I won 't put too much pressure on myself . Blogging is fun , and it will be that way for me for a long time . I 've been watching birds around my house a lot because my schedule doesn 't give me much time to go anywhere right now . And the weather hasn 't been too kind in the last week or so either . It 's been pretty cold around here . One day it was as low as - 2 ° F / - 19 ° C . Some days though they don 't come very close so I have to rely on my camera 's zoom lens . The birds in my pictures today were almost too far away for me to see , but the camera picked them up easily . I guess I 've told you that one many times before . So , did I find out what kind of birds I was taking these pictures of ? I think I did . I 'm pretty sure these birds are red - winged blackbirds . Many of them are females , so you won 't see that red and cream colored bar on the sides of their wings that gives them their name . I stood there and watched these birds between taking pictures , and I wondered what it might be like to be as free as a bird in flight . Having the ability to just fly to any destination I 'd like would be so much fun . But maybe we humans don 't have wings for a reason . Even if you can 't fly as free as a bird , flight checker can help give you the next best thing . You can find flight deals to the destination of your choice . The only way to know that you 're getting a good deal on your flight is to check it out . You may get such a good deal that you 'll feel as free as bird . The freedom of flight like a bird has must be wonderful . That speck in the picture above is one I was lucky enough to catch on camera . Just think of looking down on the ground from the height of that bird , knowing that you can soar up there for as long as you like . But like I said , maybe there is a reason we don 't have wings . It gives us something to dream about . Our dreams are so important to us . Maybe even more important than having our own wings . Our dreams and aspirations give us inspiration to do things we thought we never could do . I 'm glad we have that . I noticed something strange while I was taking these pictures of this downy woodpecker the other day . These woodpeckers are constantly around my house , so I 've been trying to get a few good pictures of them , but this is the best I 've done so far . Why ? It seems that right at the moment I line up a good shot of one of these woodpeckers , they choose that exact moment to move around to the other side of the tree that they 're on . I 've cursed my bad luck every single time , but then I began to wonder with this one if it has really been just bad luck . I 'm beginning to think these woodpeckers know I 'm there and they 're hiding from me . I 've seen squirrels hide on the opposite side of trees before , but it hadn 't occurred to me that a bird might be doing it too . Now I think I 'll be watching these woodpeckers for this behavior . I guess sometimes we never realize that an animal so small and far away might be so very conscious of our existence while we 're watching them . I 'm glad we as humans don 't feel such threats . The only things we feel like escaping are maybe cold weather or our tedious jobs . When we feel this way we have the options of taking vacations . If you ever feel like escaping your day to day tedium , then a good option would be to try Mauritius holidays . A tropical haven cooled by the gentle breezes of the Indian Ocean might be the right escape for you . If you 're a woodpecker then maybe you could just move to the other side of a tree . It 's pretty easy to guess that this woodpecker form of defense is very effective . I only got these two obstructed photos of this woodpecker . I guess I 'll have to keep trying and be a little bit quicker than them next time . Maybe my quest for better pictures will turn ridiculous like the old Woody Woodpecker cartoons . You 'll find out in a future post . Yesterday I promised you that I 'd come back today to show you the home of my little squirrel friend . Of course I 'll get to that , but we 'll have to go through the details along the way . I 'm sure you 'll all want to know how the squirrel made it from that small outer branch all the way to his home in the tree . He was trying to move slowly , checking out every little thing along the way , but then he finally decided that he had to make a break for it . All of a sudden the squirrel turned from his spot and ran across the branch that he was on ! That was really off - putting because he was now moving toward us . He was able to run right through groups of smaller branches with ease on his quest for the safety of home . He then leaped from one smaller branch to the trunk of the tree . Around to the back of the tree he went , where he thought we wouldn 't be able to see him . He was right . The thing I did see was the area of the tree where he disappeared . I knew right where to look for his place of disappearance . So I walked over to the other side of the tree with a pretty good idea of what I might see . There was no squirrel there , and there was only one place he could have gone . And here is the home of this little squirrel . I know what you 're thinking , so go ahead and laugh . I know what this crack in the tree might resemble , but the friendly little squirrel calls it home . I 'd bet that it 's warm and cozy inside and meets the squirrel 's needs very well . A crack in a tree might be just fine for a little squirrel who is in a hurry , but we humans need something much better than that when we 're traveling . The one thing we all agree on is that it has to be inexpensive , so you might just want to click on the link to find cheap hotels . I 'm sure you 'll find that quite a bit more appropriate than something so squirrely as a hole in a tree . The squirrel 's tree house must be pretty deep because I couldn 't see the little guy at all when I looked up there . Of course I didn 't get too close because I didn 't want that little brown thug popping out right at me . Besides , it was kind of cold out there , so I decided to go back to my own home . And that 's exactly what I did . Now I get to do something I never thought I 'd really be able to do very much . I can now watch one single individual wild animal and know that it 's the same one I saw before . The squirrel in my pictures lives right out behind my house . I 've now learned to keep my camera close to the door so I can get pictures whenever I go out there . I can 't always take it out there with me when I 'm busy , but I can keep it close enough to run and get it . So this last time the squirrel was out there Isabella made sure to alert me to its presence . I quickly ran in and got the camera and came back out to get my pictures . The squirrel had actually come from several trees over on its way back home . I watched as it hopped from the branches of another tree to get to this one . It became very clear to me that the squirrel was searching for food . It must have been searching in several of the other trees too . I guess food isn 't always easy to find , but this hungry little squirrel seemed to be able to find what it wanted in its own tree . You might have to hop from store to store like this squirrel did to find the best deals on food , but you 'll never have to go through all of that to find cheap holidays . All you have to do is click on this link . A holiday in a nice warm place is much better than crawling around through tree branches in the cold . I guess that 's alright if you 're a squirrel though . My little squirrel friend gnawed on a few of the branches for a short time and then turned to run on home . It looked like he was looking for food , but maybe he was just sharpening his gnawing teeth or something . You know , the one thing I forgot was to show you my little squirrel 's home in this tree . Four pictures is quite a lot to see in one post , so I think I 'll have to show you his home in my next post . Maybe I 'll bring you a special extra post tomorrow . that 's two in two days ! Maybe I 'm finally getting the motivation to get back to my normal schedule ! I 'm going to tell you a little tale about three animals that decided to go hunting . There of course will be a few distractions during the telling of my tale , but I hope you can stay and read all the way through to the end and then leave me a lovely little comment to bring joy to my heart . Here we go ! When I began taking my dog Isabella outside for her almost hourly walks I made a deal with her . I told her to point out any animals she might see so I could take so many lovely little pictures of them . If she could do that , then I would keep taking her outside with me . ( I would anyway , but never tell her that . ) I had kind of forgotten about making our little deal . But then the other day I happened to look over at her and she was standing there very still with a strange look on her face . She was concentrating intently on something several yards down the road toward the creek . If you would like to get out of the cold weather you can do something about it . I know of a place you can go to get away on Last Minute Holidays . You can go to a place that is warm and fun on the beach , without all of this snow . And without the same problem this bird will have next ! That 's right , it had our little picturesque subject in its sights as well , and this big old cat didn 't have a camera . The cat began smoothly stalking the unaware little bird , moving closer and closer to its prey . Isabella went quiet with shock at witnessing what looked to be an inevitable attack . But then at the last second before the hungry cat was about to pounce on its prey , Isabella charged forward and let out the deepest , loudest barks a big dog like her could muster . As she got to the end of her chain , she jerked to a halt . She wouldn 't be able to get to the cat this time . But in spite of Isabella 's confinement to the chain that kept her safely on her own property , we had a happy ending for the little mourning dove after all ! As the little bird heard Isabella 's barking , it turned and saw the cat sneaking after it . It launched itself into the air and flew away to freedom . Meanwhile , the poor little wild cat turned and looked at Isabella with disappointment in her eyes . The cat wouldn 't get to eat today , all because of that mean old over - sized dog barking at her with that monstrously deep voice of hers . It was a disappointment , but the cat quickly realized she would have another mealtime very soon . There are many people in town that feed the innocent little wild cat and her friends just about everyday . It feels like the best of both worlds for the cat , because she didn 't have to suck up to the humans and be their house pet , but they still feed her anyway . It 's not always comfortable out here for the cat when winter comes , but this is her life and she likes it that way . And so we come to the end of the tale of the wild hunt . The bird hunted for food in the dirt . The cat hunted the bird . And the dog hunted the cat . And me ? I hunted them all with my camera . The poor animals got nothing in their little quests , but I got everything I was hoping for . Hooray for me , the Great King Rat ! I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah !

I want to end the week with some recent pictures I took of the evening sky . I had some similar pictures before that I really liked a lot , so when I saw the sky at sunset again I ran over and got some more . This time I decided to do a few different things though . These are even better . I took these pictures in several different directions and I zoomed the camera in and out to show things in different perspectives . I brought you four of them , but I had many more I wish I could have shared . There 's just so much time we all have to read a post though , so I limited this as much as I could . I took this one above while I was facing directly to the south . it gives a different view of what it looks like at sunset here . The hills in the background are actually much much bigger than the picture shows . I haven 't been able to do them justice so far . I zoomed in the camera just as bit with this one . I wanted to get more red in the picture . I could have just cropped one of the other pictures , but it wouldn 't have been quite the same or quite as good that way . I liked the extra red in the last one so I decided to zoom even closer . They look totally different from each other , and now I have an all red sky in the background . I really love the effects the sky gave me for all of these . I 've had a very busy day , probably unrelated to nature . The town was cutting down a few trees that were in the way , so I followed the workers around and collected the wood that was left over . I need all the wood I can get to heat my house . It was a lot of work , and I did so much that it made me sick . I 'm feeling much better now . I can burn some of the wood while it 's still green , and I can store some of the rest for next year . I still don 't have enough to last me through the winter because I got here too late and my dad was just too sick to gather any himself . I 'm glad I got to be here with him for his final days . I still miss him a lot . He was a remarkable man . He had the knowledge of Crocodile Dundee , but also the temper of Yosemite Sam if you crossed him . Good news , everyone ! I did a little bit of research and I found out that Stone Park is not closed for the winter . It is indeed open ! It may have been closed on Christmas Day , when I was there . I found out that Dorothy Pecaut Nature Center down the street is closed on most holidays , so that may have been the case for Stone Park too . There 's only one problem with all of that though . that road had obviously been closed for quite a bit longer than just one or two days . Snow was plowed right up to the gate , and it had been there for awhile . That seems to complicate things a bit . Oh , and the picture of the bird 's nest at the top of the post ? It was one of the interesting things I found right away while I was in Stone Park . It may not seem like much to some people , but it 's a sign of life . And that 's always a good thing . Nature Center Magazine - Your starting place for nature ! Today I want to show you some of the hills in Stone Park that you can see right as you go in . This whole park is almost all hills , and big ones . Everywhere you go you are surrounded by these hills . These are the same hills that border the town I live in . You just can 't see them in my pictures because of all the trees . This park really is a very beautiful place . Once I 'm able to really explore the park , I 'll be able to show you the miles and miles of hiking trails . Most of these trails go up and down hills . I remember years ago being slightly afraid to go down one very steep trail . I still went . Some of the hills in the park are so high up that you might as well be standing on a mountain . There is one place where you can look over a safety fence at the highway below , and you 'll see the cars are so far down that they look like toys . From up there you can see all the way to another state . I want to clarify something I talked about yesterday . The smell in the park wasn 't very bad at all . It was a little bit noticeable that day , but that 's how nature is sometimes . The really bad smell I talked about was in another place many years ago . But let 's get back to today 's story . I had many more pictures like this from Stone Park on Christmas Day , but these aren 't the really great sights from this place . And these are enough for now anyway . I have one more interesting feature from the park I 'll bring to you tomorrow , and after that I 'll show you some better views of the area between here and my home . Those are really good . Until then . . . Even though it was closed , I did it . I parked my truck outside the locked gate . Opened the back and let the dog out . And I walked into the park . That makes me a daring adventurer and a shameless rule breaker ! Yeah ! Of course I didn 't go very far . I would have just left without ever going in , but poor Isabella had such a pitiful look on her face . We came all this way to go to this giant nature park only to have to turn back around and go home ? And poor Isabella rides in a cage when we go on trips . I couldn 't disappoint her further . So we walked past the gate and wandered over to the first fork in the road . Isabella was in heaven , sniffing up all sorts of new smells . When she gets going she sounds like a car with a flat tire , flumpalump flumpalump . I smelled some smells too , but only smells from things that came out of the wrong end of a lot of large wild animals . Uhhhh ! Those bad smells are the kind of thing you have to expect if you like enjoying nature though . It becomes easy to ignore after a few minutes . A few looong minutes ! After awhile you begin to associate some of those bad odors with fun adventures , so they 're not reqally that bad . Now , the worst smell I ever smelled came one time when I was over in Nebraska , just across the border from here . Driving past a place with thousands and thousands of cows that were packed very close together . Unfortunately the windows were down at the time , and that smell came right in . I rolled up the windows much too late , but that didn 't slow that odor down anyway . I thought I might die that day . Huh ? Oh ! Sorry . That was just some sort of bad flashback . Let 's finish my story . Even though we didn 't stay long enough , the dog got to sniff out several little areas near the parking area . We had a pretty good time , even though it didn 't last very long . But after a few more pictures it was going to have to end . I have a little story today that I guess can only be described as amusingly disappointing . I 'm beginning to think that my timing is just off for everything right now . Even so , I still got some pretty good nature pictures from the little adventure I 'm going to tell you about . Okay , let 's go ! But I knew another place to go , and I knew how to get into that one . This time I was going to visit Stone Park , which is a very well known place to anyone who lives around here . I had plans to go up to the highest hill there and get some good pictures of the countryside . There are some great views from the higher places in Stone Park . So I packed up on Christmas Day to go to Stone Park . It would be my special Christmas present to me and Isabella . This place is about 14 miles from where I live , but it 's a straight shot down the road , so it doesn 't seem very far at all . It 's actually one of the closest places from my little town . It 's just on the north edge of Sioux City . When I got there everything looked pretty good . The main gates were open , unlike the ones at Dorothy Pecaut Nature Center . Everything should be just fine because the weather is excellent here right now . I drove in around a curve in the road right after I got the pictures of the sign out front . What looks like a wall of trees in the picture above is only partially trees . Behind the trees is a huge mountainous hill . This park is almost all hills . These hills represent where I live better than most pictures I 've shown you so far . I live on the edge of these hills . The land is flatter if you go east or west from me , but north and south are all hills . I feel an instinctive feel of being home when I see these hills . I 'll be saying that a lot whenever I show them to you because it 's just so true deep down inside of me . When I got around the little curve in the road , i was greeted with another gate . This one was very closed ! It was now fully apparent to me that they had closed the roads here for the winter . Nooooo ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The snow that is piled up at the gate in the picture above is obviously from our only heavy snowfall since I 've been here . Most of that melted a couple of weeks ago . But in some places where it has been piled up , there are still some traces of it . There 's also a little bit of snow on the road here in the park . I was more disappointed that I can even describe here . I had come all this way with such enthusiasm , and the park was closed ! Well , I wasn 't going to let this stop me completely . I parked and let Isabella out and we walked past that closed sign just a little ways . I made sure I let Isabella sniff out as many interesting smells as I could , and I took some pictures of the surrounding area . We stayed for as long as we could before I decided we had seen all we could see for this trip . All wasn 't lost , because we at least got to take a little trip away from the house . I 'll have to find out what the rules are for walking around in the park for the winter . If I can do that then I 'll go back again halfway soon . Otherwise , it looks like I 'll have to wait until spring . In the meantime , there 's still plenty of nature to be seen around here outside of the parks . And I still have plenty of good things from this little trip to share in my upcoming posts . This European Starling was up in the top of this tree singing his little heart out . I was out looking for birds to photograph , so this presented a perfect opportunity for me . The starlings seem to like these trees around here right now , so I can easily find a few of them every day right now . These birds are sometimes considered to be invasive pests , but they don 't bother me at all . I guess I 'm not the one they 're invading . Anyway , they are good subjects for my posts , so I won 't go too much into the pest thing . I think this will be one of those rambling posts where I talk about different things though . Let 's see . . . I 've been able to stick halfway close to my old posting schedule for the last two weeks now . It feels good to get on here and write whatever strange thing I 'm thinking . And I really do try to make what I write at least a little bit on the strange side , otherwise what fun would this really be ? The internet is the best place to write or say any old crazy thing you want . If you aren 't already blogging and writing down some of the things that pop into your head , then maybe you should give it a try . I 've been able to really expand the things I write since I started this . One thing I always wanted to do was to write fiction stories . At first I had trouble writing the stories I thought up , but now over at Rat Tales I have some pretty good short stories for anyone to read . This nature stuff is pretty good too though . Above is that starling in the tree . This picture shows everything a little more like I saw it with my own eyes . It 's great to be able to zoom in with the caera to get close up shots of something so far away . I 'm considering going down the road soon to one of the nature parks so I can show you a few good views from the top of the hills around here . I hope I can get myself to do that . It 's hard to make myself go too far right now because there 's so much to do around here and there 's so much nature right outside my door . I 'm going to take the weekend off from posting , but I 'm sure I 'll be visiting other blogs . I 'll be back hopefully by Monday with pictures of a UFO or a Sasquatch or some other strange thing , but I 'll most likely have pictures of hills or more starlings or a squirrel or something . Come on Bigfoot , I know you 're out there waiting for me ! The pictures you see here were taken by me about three years ago . I enhanced them a little bit last night to bring the color out a little bit . When I was writing yesterday 's post about the fox squirrel in one of my backyard trees , I began thinking of this little red squirrel that I encountered a few times in 2008 . The pictures were so similar to each other , so I began wondering what ever became of this little red squirrel . I know I 'll never find out , but I hope it is still alive and healthy . the odds of that aren 't great , but I still hope . This was the first red squirrel I ever saw . It looked so different from any other squirrel I ever encountered that I wondered if it was even a tree squirrel at all . I was still kind of new to many things in nature , so I wondered if this squirrel might be some kind of chipmunk . This squirrel seemed so much more feisty than even other supposed normal squirrels . It ran up and scolded me as I walked towards it , and then it ran away to hide in this small pine tree . It stayed there hoping I wouldn 't find it in there , but after a bit of a search I found its hiding place . I dedicated three posts to this one little incident . I even made a game of finding this little guy in the tree . Many of you might remember it . The beautiful thing about taking all of these nature pictures is that we can go back and look at them over and over as much as we want . This is such a good memory for me . This is a guest post done for advertisement purposes . The service offered might be of some interest to you . My usual post for today is just below this one . Travelling abroad although fun , can be a hassle . Especially if you are in a foreign country and are unable to understand the language they are speaking . Whilst a handy phrase book may get you by for a few days or a week , if you are looking for a more long term solution you might want to try an interpreting agency . One picture today , yes , just one picture ! But it 's one that I like . This is the little squirrel that lives in my backyard . I came upon it as it was out visiting some of the other trees and I was out walking Isabella . I must have surprised the poor little thing because I was at a different place than I usually am . I saw the little squirrel scurrying through the trees , but when he saw me he quickly ran behind these branches and wouldn 't come back out . I waited for quite some time , but the little squirrel stayed in this one spot the whole time . I stood there taking picture after picture hoping to get a clearer view , but I ended up with this same picture about twenty times . Eventually I gave up and went away , probably to this poor little guy 's great gratitude . The dog wanted some excitement , so we found her a good place to pee , her favorite thing to do . A short but good adventure . I had much bigger computer problems than I thought . I expected to have a post up yesterday , but it seems like everything fell apart at once for me . I already knew my computer was messed up a bit , and it still is . If I disappear unexpectedly , that means my computer died before I could get parts . The other problem I had was that my internet went down for the second time in a week Friday afternoon . I had to wait until Monday to get it fixed . They finally found the problem for the internet was at the main telephone box down the street . And so now that I 'm back , the real subject is my pictures for today . I had no idea what I was going to see when I went to the front of my house and down to the creek to get these . The sun was going down and I was out in the back putting wood in my stove when I saw something peculiar in the still daytime sky . You can see in these pictures that while the Sun was going down , there was still some daylight out there . It was much brighter to my eyes than to the lens of the camera . But what was it that I was seeing then ? It wasn 't this red glow . No , not yet . The house was blocking that from sight at the moment . So what was it ? Take a look at the red circle that I 've drawn towards the right of the picture . In the center you should see a white spot . I was seeing that in the sky as it was still daylight ! I ran out to the front of the house with my camera hoping to get a better view , only to find it obscured behind the trees . And I also found that brilliant evening sunset glow . So after getting those other pictures and trying in vain to find a good angle for that spot in the sky , I finally went out back as it got a little darker . I took this picture as I looked out over my garage . I 'm guessing that the glowing object in the sky is the planet Venus , but I 'm not 100 % sure . At first I thought it must be an airplane because it was still so light outside . But then as the light faded , other stars began to appear in the sky . I 've only ever seen an effect like this once before , and I 'll only mention that over at Rat Tales some day . The stars actually came out before it got dark ! That is a little bit scary to me for reasons I can 't explain here . But it is also very fascinating . That night I saw my third shooting star since I 've been living here these past few months . They 're the only ones I 've ever seen now . Seeing each of these things was a magical experience . Seeing them all on the same day / night was something even better . I wonder what it all means . I took these photos you see today while driving home in the rain on Wednesday . Most of our snow has melted away for now , and it is much warmer than it was just a week before . I wanted some spectacular views of the hills to show you , but the weather just isn 't cooperating right now . I had these grand plans to show you some of the sights I saw when I came this way a couple of weeks ago , but the rain and the dark clouds obscured everything in sight . I still am determined to share these pictures with you . I took them while I was driving because I didn 't want to stop and get out of the truck in the rain . You may also have noticed that I 've been posting much more often recently . That 's because I 've discovered a new motivation for blogging . Well , not exactly a new motivation , but I think I may have recaptured some of that same feeling I had when I first began blogging . I 've even been able to find the time to answer all the comments here individually for the last several posts . I 've always been a fan of answering comments . I make sure I go back and check all the blogs where people answer their comments . It really makes things much more fun , even though it can become time consuming for a blogger to do it . I wish I would have never stopped answering my comments before . But I have a serious problem that might just ruin my plans of returning to my old blogging self . There is something seriously wrong with my computer ! The monitor keeps blinking on and off into sleep mode , and I can 't usually get it to come out of it . My keyboard that I 've had for years has stopped working , so I 'm having a difficult time typing anything right now . My internet connection even died on me the other day , so I had to have a guy from my internet company come out and replace my modem yesterday . It was really good service , so I didn 't miss a beat there . But it seems that everything is falling apart all at once on me . I have plenty of computer parts , but they 're all still in Michigan . So right now I don 't know what I 'll do if I can 't get this machine working right again . Before I go this time , I 'd like to point you over to Rat Tales where I have a story of five episodes currently ongoing . It 's called " Fair " , and I 'm very proud of it . I think it may be my best yet . The fourth episode will come out Monday morning . I compare this dark tale to something you might see on the old Twilight Zone TV show . Hey you ! I 've got a little story to tell you . Don 't worry , it won 't take long . This story is about a strange encounter I had with a little raccoon the other day . Many of you know about the wood stove I have behind my house . I was out there at the stove talking to my neighbor . We were chatting about the glories of wood burning . My dad taught both of us how to burn wood to keep our houses warm . It was in the middle of this discussion that I saw what I thought must be a cat wandering around in the distance . As I began to focus my eyes on that supposed cat though , I began to realize that it was no cat at all . It was a raccoon ! That 's when I said to my neighbor , " Hey ! There 's a raccoon over there ! " Right about at that time the raccoon turned and came ambling over in our direction . My neighbor still didn 't see the creature coming over , but he said they 've been here before . The raccoon then began to head straight for his front porch , which is completely open underneath . It rooted around there for a few minutes and then to my amazement the raccoon came wandering over a few feet away from us and began digging around in a pile of old leaves on the ground . The raccoon was completely at ease around us . By this time , as we discussed the raccoon 's activities , I was telling my neighbor about this blog and how I take pictures of animals like this raccoon . I then dcided I couldn 't take it any longer , so I excused myself for a few seconds to run in and grab my camera . I had to get pictures of this excitement ! I was so excited that I was going to get some more great pictures of a raccoon ! I had the camera all prepared by the time I got back out the door . But then when I lifted the camera up and pointed it at the raccoon , the creature quickly scampered away to the safety of the underside of my neighbor 's porch ! Once we realized that the raccoon wasn 't going to come back , we went back to discussing our firewood situation . We both needed more firewood for this winter , and we were already making plans for the next one . The little raccoon sighting was exciting and fun , but it was now time to get back to business . I 'm sure that many of you have noticed that my posting schedule has increased lately . Up until my car accident I was posting every day here at The Everyday Adventurer . Ever since then my posting has been erratic at best , but my goal has always been to get back to my old posting schedule of every single day . So this is an attempt to get a little closer to that . The view in the pictures today is what I see at the southern end of my property . The background is blocked by trees . The trees are actually growing on the edge of a ravine with a creek at the bottom . If you look through the trees , you can see some hills in the background . These are the northern end of the Loess Hills which cover the west part of the state of Iowa from north to south . Just beyond the view in my pictures the hills become so high that it seems like you are in mountains . As far as I know , the rest of the state and the surrounding states are mostly flat . I love these hills , and I always have . This is the place that my family comes from , and there is even a section of these hills that are named after us . I found out only recently that my dad went to school right here in the small town I live in . The town may be small , but its borders are actually large . The whole countryside around us is technically part of our town . Inside our borders are two huge and well known nature parks , Broken Kettle Grasslands and Five Ridge Prairie State Preserve . Both of those places are only a few miles down the road from me . I 've told you of my quest to find the entrance to them . I finally did find the way to get there , but I think I 'm going to wait until spring time now . I 'm not yet prepared to drive through these high hills in the snow . Okay , I think that 'll do it for today . I 'll try to bring you another post tomorrow , but if it takes me longer then it takes me longer . I won 't put too much pressure on myself . Blogging is fun , and it will be that way for me for a long time . I 've been watching birds around my house a lot because my schedule doesn 't give me much time to go anywhere right now . And the weather hasn 't been too kind in the last week or so either . It 's been pretty cold around here . One day it was as low as - 2 ° F / - 19 ° C . Some days though they don 't come very close so I have to rely on my camera 's zoom lens . The birds in my pictures today were almost too far away for me to see , but the camera picked them up easily . I guess I 've told you that one many times before . So , did I find out what kind of birds I was taking these pictures of ? I think I did . I 'm pretty sure these birds are red - winged blackbirds . Many of them are females , so you won 't see that red and cream colored bar on the sides of their wings that gives them their name . I stood there and watched these birds between taking pictures , and I wondered what it might be like to be as free as a bird in flight . Having the ability to just fly to any destination I 'd like would be so much fun . But maybe we humans don 't have wings for a reason . Even if you can 't fly as free as a bird , flight checker can help give you the next best thing . You can find flight deals to the destination of your choice . The only way to know that you 're getting a good deal on your flight is to check it out . You may get such a good deal that you 'll feel as free as bird . The freedom of flight like a bird has must be wonderful . That speck in the picture above is one I was lucky enough to catch on camera . Just think of looking down on the ground from the height of that bird , knowing that you can soar up there for as long as you like . But like I said , maybe there is a reason we don 't have wings . It gives us something to dream about . Our dreams are so important to us . Maybe even more important than having our own wings . Our dreams and aspirations give us inspiration to do things we thought we never could do . I 'm glad we have that . I noticed something strange while I was taking these pictures of this downy woodpecker the other day . These woodpeckers are constantly around my house , so I 've been trying to get a few good pictures of them , but this is the best I 've done so far . Why ? It seems that right at the moment I line up a good shot of one of these woodpeckers , they choose that exact moment to move around to the other side of the tree that they 're on . I 've cursed my bad luck every single time , but then I began to wonder with this one if it has really been just bad luck . I 'm beginning to think these woodpeckers know I 'm there and they 're hiding from me . I 've seen squirrels hide on the opposite side of trees before , but it hadn 't occurred to me that a bird might be doing it too . Now I think I 'll be watching these woodpeckers for this behavior . I guess sometimes we never realize that an animal so small and far away might be so very conscious of our existence while we 're watching them . I 'm glad we as humans don 't feel such threats . The only things we feel like escaping are maybe cold weather or our tedious jobs . When we feel this way we have the options of taking vacations . If you ever feel like escaping your day to day tedium , then a good option would be to try Mauritius holidays . A tropical haven cooled by the gentle breezes of the Indian Ocean might be the right escape for you . If you 're a woodpecker then maybe you could just move to the other side of a tree . It 's pretty easy to guess that this woodpecker form of defense is very effective . I only got these two obstructed photos of this woodpecker . I guess I 'll have to keep trying and be a little bit quicker than them next time . Maybe my quest for better pictures will turn ridiculous like the old Woody Woodpecker cartoons . You 'll find out in a future post . Yesterday I promised you that I 'd come back today to show you the home of my little squirrel friend . Of course I 'll get to that , but we 'll have to go through the details along the way . I 'm sure you 'll all want to know how the squirrel made it from that small outer branch all the way to his home in the tree . He was trying to move slowly , checking out every little thing along the way , but then he finally decided that he had to make a break for it . All of a sudden the squirrel turned from his spot and ran across the branch that he was on ! That was really off - putting because he was now moving toward us . He was able to run right through groups of smaller branches with ease on his quest for the safety of home . He then leaped from one smaller branch to the trunk of the tree . Around to the back of the tree he went , where he thought we wouldn 't be able to see him . He was right . The thing I did see was the area of the tree where he disappeared . I knew right where to look for his place of disappearance . So I walked over to the other side of the tree with a pretty good idea of what I might see . There was no squirrel there , and there was only one place he could have gone . And here is the home of this little squirrel . I know what you 're thinking , so go ahead and laugh . I know what this crack in the tree might resemble , but the friendly little squirrel calls it home . I 'd bet that it 's warm and cozy inside and meets the squirrel 's needs very well . A crack in a tree might be just fine for a little squirrel who is in a hurry , but we humans need something much better than that when we 're traveling . The one thing we all agree on is that it has to be inexpensive , so you might just want to click on the link to find cheap hotels . I 'm sure you 'll find that quite a bit more appropriate than something so squirrely as a hole in a tree . The squirrel 's tree house must be pretty deep because I couldn 't see the little guy at all when I looked up there . Of course I didn 't get too close because I didn 't want that little brown thug popping out right at me . Besides , it was kind of cold out there , so I decided to go back to my own home . And that 's exactly what I did . Now I get to do something I never thought I 'd really be able to do very much . I can now watch one single individual wild animal and know that it 's the same one I saw before . The squirrel in my pictures lives right out behind my house . I 've now learned to keep my camera close to the door so I can get pictures whenever I go out there . I can 't always take it out there with me when I 'm busy , but I can keep it close enough to run and get it . So this last time the squirrel was out there Isabella made sure to alert me to its presence . I quickly ran in and got the camera and came back out to get my pictures . The squirrel had actually come from several trees over on its way back home . I watched as it hopped from the branches of another tree to get to this one . It became very clear to me that the squirrel was searching for food . It must have been searching in several of the other trees too . I guess food isn 't always easy to find , but this hungry little squirrel seemed to be able to find what it wanted in its own tree . You might have to hop from store to store like this squirrel did to find the best deals on food , but you 'll never have to go through all of that to find cheap holidays . All you have to do is click on this link . A holiday in a nice warm place is much better than crawling around through tree branches in the cold . I guess that 's alright if you 're a squirrel though . My little squirrel friend gnawed on a few of the branches for a short time and then turned to run on home . It looked like he was looking for food , but maybe he was just sharpening his gnawing teeth or something . You know , the one thing I forgot was to show you my little squirrel 's home in this tree . Four pictures is quite a lot to see in one post , so I think I 'll have to show you his home in my next post . Maybe I 'll bring you a special extra post tomorrow . that 's two in two days ! Maybe I 'm finally getting the motivation to get back to my normal schedule ! I 'm going to tell you a little tale about three animals that decided to go hunting . There of course will be a few distractions during the telling of my tale , but I hope you can stay and read all the way through to the end and then leave me a lovely little comment to bring joy to my heart . Here we go ! When I began taking my dog Isabella outside for her almost hourly walks I made a deal with her . I told her to point out any animals she might see so I could take so many lovely little pictures of them . If she could do that , then I would keep taking her outside with me . ( I would anyway , but never tell her that . ) I had kind of forgotten about making our little deal . But then the other day I happened to look over at her and she was standing there very still with a strange look on her face . She was concentrating intently on something several yards down the road toward the creek . If you would like to get out of the cold weather you can do something about it . I know of a place you can go to get away on Last Minute Holidays . You can go to a place that is warm and fun on the beach , without all of this snow . And without the same problem this bird will have next ! That 's right , it had our little picturesque subject in its sights as well , and this big old cat didn 't have a camera . The cat began smoothly stalking the unaware little bird , moving closer and closer to its prey . Isabella went quiet with shock at witnessing what looked to be an inevitable attack . But then at the last second before the hungry cat was about to pounce on its prey , Isabella charged forward and let out the deepest , loudest barks a big dog like her could muster . As she got to the end of her chain , she jerked to a halt . She wouldn 't be able to get to the cat this time . But in spite of Isabella 's confinement to the chain that kept her safely on her own property , we had a happy ending for the little mourning dove after all ! As the little bird heard Isabella 's barking , it turned and saw the cat sneaking after it . It launched itself into the air and flew away to freedom . Meanwhile , the poor little wild cat turned and looked at Isabella with disappointment in her eyes . The cat wouldn 't get to eat today , all because of that mean old over - sized dog barking at her with that monstrously deep voice of hers . It was a disappointment , but the cat quickly realized she would have another mealtime very soon . There are many people in town that feed the innocent little wild cat and her friends just about everyday . It feels like the best of both worlds for the cat , because she didn 't have to suck up to the humans and be their house pet , but they still feed her anyway . It 's not always comfortable out here for the cat when winter comes , but this is her life and she likes it that way . And so we come to the end of the tale of the wild hunt . The bird hunted for food in the dirt . The cat hunted the bird . And the dog hunted the cat . And me ? I hunted them all with my camera . The poor animals got nothing in their little quests , but I got everything I was hoping for . Hooray for me , the Great King Rat ! I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah !

narcissist Busted ! ! April 16 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment It had now been nearly month since my mom had passed away . For over a year now , my husband and I had been talking about leasing a new truck . My car payment was up in March 2017 and so my husband thought up this idea that he 'd take my car and we 'd lease a new truck for me to be used as a family car . He had scoped out the car , and so one night while I was out , I decided to go take it for a test drive . I had just left the dealership when I get a text from my mom 's neighbor telling me that Satan 's car was at my mom 's house and she was carrying out boxes and putting them in the back of her car . She told me she didn 't see my brother and so as soon as I got the text , I immediately started heading to the house . If it was justSatan in the house when I got there , there was going to be a huge fucking problem . The last time I spoke to my brother , when I confronted him about the emails I saw on my mom 's phone , he flat out told me that I should NOT be taking anything from the house until the will was settled . Now here was his wife carrying boxes out of my mom 's house . That 's a little fucked up for them to say . I was just about on the expressway when I got the text , and so I gunned it past the next four exits , heading to my mom 's house . I had been trying to catch them there for months now , but I was always too late . I called my husband up and was on the phone with him until I pulled up to the house . Finally , I saw their truck in the driveway . My husband told me to pull behind Satan to block her in because if she was indeed alone there , she was trespassing and stealing . I parked my car parallel to the street , blocking the driveway . I sat there in my car for a few second and tried to scope out the situation , but I couldn 't really see much , so I got out of my car and slowly walked up to the house . As I got up to the house , I see my brother walking by the big picture window in the living room . I walked up to the front door and try to open it butI walked through the house which had random items scattered all over the place . As I talked to the dispatcher I decided it would probably be best if I just waited outside until the cops came . I didn 't want to scare my brothers 18 month old kid anymore . The sad part is , the kid didn 't seem the least bit upset or scared with all the yelling . It must be a normal occurrence in their home , and she 's been desensitized to it . I was outside for all of about two minutes when suddenly I hear the front door flying open . I look up and out comes Satan with the baby in her arms and she walks down the porch steps and says to me , " you need to move your car . " . As I watch her walk by , I turned and told her , " I 'm not moving shit ! You called the cops and now you 're going to wait until they get here . " . She huffed and puffed her way to the car and put the baby in her car seat . My brother followed a few seconds later . As my brother walked by I asked him why he went to a lawyer and lied about my mom having a will . He didn 't answer and so I asked again . Finally he turned around and said , " because you stole the will ! " . I told him , " no you fucking asshole , I never had the will . I had to get it from the lawyer and I have the letter and the envelope to prove it . " . That 's when he said one of the most fucked up accusations of all , that I forged a document . When the lawyer sent me both of my parents ' wills , he also sent a cover letter that said he sent the wills at my request , and he dated and signed the letter . My brother was accusing me of forging the letter ! If I was going to take my chances forging the letter , why wouldn 't I forge the entire will then and leave all the money to myself ? ! I never heard such stupid bullshit in my life but I was really fucking angry . My brother has known me my whole life and knows what kind of person I am . I don 't know who made up this psychotic version of me but I have my guesses . He walked back into the house briefly and came back out . In that time I had pulled up a photo oAs my brother is holding up his fist I was screaming , " go ahead , hit me ! Hit me ! " . I knew he wouldn 't . Suddenly without any notice Satan come out of the door and fully launches herself between me and my brother . My instincts kicked in and as she came towards me , with the back of my arms , I shoved her . I am not exaggerating when I say the very second my arm came into contact with her body , she flew back a second and started screaming , " She hit me ! I 'm pressing charges ! " . I swear over my son , she then took her hand and lifted up the ruffles on her shirt saying that I left marks while trying to scratch herself so there were visible marks ! She did it several times ! I watched her . I couldn 't even believe what I was seeing ! If nothing else in this blog has convinced you that this girl is a full fledged psychopath , this should ! Things escalated so quickly that I cannot remember every detail in its exact order , but I do remember at some point I asked them which one of them stole the pain killers . They both looked like two deers caught in the headlights . Neither of them denied it . They just told me I was crazy ( deflection ) . Had they not taken them they would 've probably said something like , " what pills ? " , or " where were there pain killers ? " . I also asked them the million dollar question , a question a have asked my brother SEVERAL times since my mom 's passing , " where were you when she was alive ? " . Neither of them ever answer that question when it 's posed , and sometimes it 's the lack of an answer that tells you everything you need to know . Things cooled down a bit after the screaming match on the front porch . My brother and Satan went back into the house and I stayed outside . I stood there smoking a cigarette , pacing up and down my mom 's walkway . I could see my brother and Satan standing in my mom 's living room just a few feet away from the large window . Satan is frantically going through her phone , dialing numbers and putting the phone up to her ear . My brother was just standing there Yes , this crazy bitch some how did some Austin Powers maneuver and managed to get her car which was parked , sandwiched behind behind my mom 's and mine , and she fucking drove across the lawn ! She then peeled out into the street and drove out of sight . God blessed us with snow that night so I could capture a nice photo of the tire tracks going across the lawn . By this point in time all of the neighbors are outside and they 're all just standing there completely dumbfounded , and then one says , " What the fuck was that all about ? " . I yell back across the street , " you got me ! " . She wasn 't even gone a minute and finally the police officer arrives . He opens his window and asks , what 's going on . I turned around and pointed to the tire tracks on my mom 's front lawn and said , " well for starters , that 's what 's going on . " . Some of the neighbors crept over and listened in as I explained the situation to the cop . As I 'm talking , I suddenly hear what sounds like a car skidding out . I look down to the end of the block and see Satan stopped on the middle of the road that crosses over my mom 's street . She throws the car in reverse and turns down the block with her tires screeching the whole way . She pulls over and her and my brother come out of the car all calm and collected like nothing has happened and they start explaining their side of the story , of course making themselves seem like the innocent victims . The cop was kind of an asshole and didn 't seem like he even wanted to be bothered with this situation . Satan was doing all of the talking , explaining how she talked to the " executors " , ( aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie ) and they said that they could take whatever the fuck the wanted , but all they were taking was my brother 's old Star Wars figures from the attic . I explained to the cop how they told me not to remove any items from the house and then they are there doing exactly that . I also explained how no executors had been appointed yet and so no one should be telling them to take anything . The cUncategorizedantisocial personality disorder , controlling spouse , controlling wife , deflection , dishonest people , dysfunctional family , estate , false accusations , family problems , hate my sister - in - law , last will and testament , lies , manipulate people , narcissist , narcissistic personalitydisorder , npd , personality disorders , psychopath , sociopath , wills The wake , day 2 , part 2 April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment We hadn 't even made it to the funeral home yet and I knew it was going to be a long awkward day . My husband was irate . He told me to bring my mom 's truck back to the house immediately and so before the wake that 's what I did . I knew them being so nice was all a big bullshit act . I honestly don 't even think my brother had any clue as to what his wife was doing or saying . I still hadn 't had a good nights rest and by time I had reached the funeral home that day I was seriously in a state of complete shock . I tried to put all my ill feelings for my brother and his wife aside and just get through the day . I walked into the room to see my mom again . I walked up to the casket and knelt down and in my head I talked to her . I told her I was sorry . That I didn 't think I could fix things at this point . That I was so disappointed with my brother and I hoped she could see now and understand . As I walked around the room and looked at the old photos of days past I noticed there was another board filled with pictures and it wasn 't from me . When I got a better look I realized there was several photos from my brothers wedding . All the ones I didn 't include . There was also photos of my mom 's cousin and then various other people . I asked my cousin Nikki where that board came from and she told me Aunt Bea had brought it . Again that day my uncle Bob , Aunt Bea and even her kids sat off to the side right next to my brother and Satan . It was perfectly clear to me that day that they were trying to get under my skin . At some point halfway through I noticed that my Aunt 's and Uncle 's were all missing from the room . I asked someone where they went and I was told the funeral director brought them all downstairs to pick out their urns for my mom 's ashes . Then I noticed my grandmother was still in the room . No one had even thought to bring her down there to pick hers out and so I grabbed her and escorted her down to the showroom . My aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie were dAt one point , my brother 's childhood best friend showed up . He had tried getting in touch with my brother but my brother never responded . I explained to him that my brother was with this succubus who wouldn 't allow him to have his own life . Knowing the story , he still came to pay his respects . A few days after the wake he messaged me to tell me that when he came to the wake he walked up to me and he could visually see that this had taken a huge toll on me . I looked wrecked over it . He said then he and his wife walked over to my brother and Satan and the vibe was completely different . They were laughing and talking like they were at a bar or something . He said they didn 't even look the least bit upset . He introduced his wife to my brother and he told me that Satan just turned her head away . Wouldn 't even give his wife the time of day . Yup , that sounded about right . The funeral director had asked us the previous day if we wanted a priest to do a eulogy . Although both me and my brother do not practice any religion we elected to have one because we knew it would bring comfort to my family . My mom was not religious either , but I believe she would 've wanted a priest for the same reason . I also told the funeral director that I would 've liked to say something too . The priest came in a few minutes before he was going to do his reading . Since we hadn 't attended church in over two decades , we didn 't really have a priest we were familiar with . He asked my brother and I a lot of questions about our mother . We went back in the room and lined up in the front row . I took my grandmother and sat her down in one of the big chairs . My husband sat on the opposite side . There was one chair left and obviously it was for my brother . My Aunt Bea went and grabbed another chair for Satan to sit next to us . It was symbolic of how we all thought of her . She was just an extra chair who never really felt part of the family . The priest did his reading in which I felt like I couldn 't even follow . I was really disappointed becauWhen she first got sick I promised her that I would be there with her to the very end , holding her hand and the one thing I could feel good about was at least that . I stick by her side to the last breath . I have never loved someone so much in my life . My mom was one of a kind . A truly unique person . The bond we shared was like no other . I will never be the same . My life is forever changed and I feel this huge void , this emptiness that I can 't even explain . I feel like half of me is missing . My mom was ALWAYS there for me . She loved me unconditionally , and it was truly unconditional . She always had my back and was the only person in this world who really , and purely understood who I was … . . because she made me who I am today and I am so proud and lucky that I got to call her mom , for 35 years . The night was over . I was the last person to leave the room that night . I rubbed her arm one last time and told her I love and will miss her forever . I told her to go be with my dad . She is free now . Free from all the misery this world brought to her . Free from the pain . Free from the stress . She is finally at peace . I never truly understood what that meant when people said it after someone died , but now I get it . She is in heaven . From that day on I knew I was heading into a whole new battle . One like I had never known before and everything I thought was going to happen … well it happened . Uncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes The wake , day 2 part one April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment It was the day before thanksgiving and the final day of my mom 's wake . I woke up that morning still reeling about the email alert I saw on her phone that someone had changed the primary email address on one of her accounts . I had enough of the sneaky bullshit from my brother and his wife and it was time tAgain he was trying to get me on the phone to call him and I replied , " Im not fighting with you . Let 's get through today . I just want you to know that I know what 's going on . " , and then , " You can ask ANYONE , mommy didn 't want [ Satan ] touching any of her stuff . I have her saying it on tape if you 'd like to hear it . So you 're going against her wishes , NOT MINE . " His reply to that , " Her will says what her wishes are . That we get everything 50 / 50 . That 's it . That 's not you taking what you want , giving away what you want . " . What he said next though , was the real kicker , " Don 't try to guilt me . And I know you were trying to have her write me out of the will . " . I sincerely have NO FUCKING CLUE where he got that from and it sincerely pisses me off that he even thinks that . It 's insulting . I don 't know when I 've EVER been known to screw over my family . This is news to me . There was NEVER any type of discussion between me and my mom like that . In fact , years ago , long before we knew of my mom 's cancer , she said to me one day that she wanted to cut my brother from her will because she didn 't want " that bitch " ( Satan ) having her money . My exact words to my mom , " well that 's fucking stupid ! You 're not going to be here , who cares . I told her that if she did that she would be guaranteeing my brother and I would never talk again . I then told her if she did that , I 'd just give him half anyway so it wouldn 't matter . That was the first and last time we ever discussed it and that was three years prior to her death . I would never do such a thing . Do I feel after the last three years the way my brother treated my mom that he deserved anything ? At times , no but the reality was that my mom still loved my brother . That for the better part of his life , he was a good son to her . I would never , ever , try to fuck my family over like that , EVER ! I was so insulted that whoever told my brother that , he actually believed it . After that he sent me 7 photos , page by page of the power of attornUncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes The wake , day one April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I woke up early the next morning . The wake wasn 't until about 1 : 00 in the afternoon . I took some coffee and I ran straight to walmart in my pajamas . I was so thankful my my cousin and my mom 's cousin had gathered some photos for me . The rest I randomly selected off my mom 's Facebook page . I printed 109 photos in total that morning . I rushed home and like a machine I glued them all down to the boards . By the time I had finished I had enough time to get in the shower and get dressed . My husband and I opted to not bring my son to the wake . Although I wanted him to say goodbye to my mom , I didn 't want to put him and myself through the trauma . At three years old , only one month shy of turning four and he was at a weird stage where he was aware something wasn 't right but he couldn 't really understand what . I didn 't think he 'd understand why my mom was laying there and not moving or why she couldn 't wake up . I thought it was too much for him to handle and so we had my sister - in - law watch him . My husband met me at the funeral home . Miraculously that morning my brother informed my husband that my mom 's life insurance plan didn 't lapse and so the funeral expenses would be paid by that after all . Personally I don 't think there ever was a lapse in the insurance . I think that was Satan just being vindictive because I was down with her Irish pub idea . My cousin Tina came out and helped me carry the photo boards into the funeral home . We waited in the lobby as the funeral director set up the boards . It was time to enter the room . I took a deep breath and walked through the doors . I was overwhelmed by the amount of flowers that were sent . They spanned the entire wall . My whole familyWhen I finally did see it , I never responded to her because I know she was totally full of shit . She was just one of 100 's of text messages I received that day . If she supported her husband and his decision not to so much as express his sorrows to me , she could go fuck herself too . I almost have more respect for him than I do for her . At least he treated me how he truly felt . They made me feel completely uncomfortable in an already extremely uncomfortable situation and that is something I will never forget . They made it very clear to me , as they sat right next to my brother and his wife at the wake , that they were 100 % behind them and not me . I came to find out at that time , words from my brothers own mouth that my Uncle Bob was the one advising him while my mom was in the hospital that whole month . I had a feeling that was the case . My gut told me that ever since the day I saw them having that private conversation near the elevators . That only made me hate them more . They were the reason my brother and his wife were harassing my mom in her final days , to get her affairs , that were already in order , in an order that THEY would be happy with . I fucking hate those assholes . I was so overwhelmed at the wake . I felt like a zombie . I hadn 't really slept in days . I didn 't even know what to say to people when they came up to me with their sad faces . It was too much to handle . We got back to my mom 's house after the first viewing and everyone stuffed their faces . My brother , his wife , my Aunt Bea and Uncle Bob sat in the living room and none of them lifted a finger to help . I so badly wanted to kick their asses out of the house but I composed myself . As I knew , my aunts would be in my mom 's bedroom . I brought my grandmother in there and asked her if she wanted my mom 's bed . I knew she probably was sleeping on the same mattress she had since my grandfather was alive in the 90 's . My aunt 's seemed thrilled at the idea . I didn 't think it would be a problem with my Brother . I didn 't think he and his wife would want to sleep in my mom 's bed themselves . At some point during the time at my mom 's house Satan pulled my husband to the side and told him that she had been making phone calls . She called the oil company and told them to continue oil deliveries at my mom 's house and she cancelled the newspaper service . When my husband told me I of course was pissed . That was not her place to do so and especially without consulting with me first . I was even more pissed at my brother for allowing it . I also noticed her and my brother were in my old bedroom . The same room where the safe was that I had caught them sneaking into . I walked in there with my cousin Nikki afterwards and as we were in there reminiscing about my teen years I noticed this white folder sitting on top of a basket that my mom had some old bills in . The folder was not there the day prior . I grabbed the folder and slipped it under my jacket . My cousin , my husband and I went outside to go ask the neighbors if they wanted food . We stopped at my husband 's car to look at the folder . Sure enough it was the contract for my mom 's annuity that named me and my brother as beneficiaries . Obviously my brother and Satan left it in that room , near all their belongings probably with the plan to take it with them when they left . They were all over the money . My mom 's body hadn 't even gone cold . We returned to the funeral home and the night viewing was ten times more overwhelming than the day one . I saw faces I hadn 't seen in years . My mom worked at Kmart for 20 years prior to getting a job with my Aunt , the year after my dad passed . A lot of her co - workers from there and her current job came . I was meeting some people for the first time and seeing people that I had known my whole life . Donna , my brother 's ex - fiancé also came that night . She was very upset to lose her friend . Donna had also never met Satan before . She had only seen her in pictures . I think it 's expected at anyone 's wake that people from your p ( To be continued in my next post ) . April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I my husband let me sleep in a little the next morning . I needed it but I had so much shit to do . I had to be up at the funeral home by 12 : 00pm to give them the outfit for my mom . On the way home the night before I stopped at Walmart to try to print some pictures but by time I got there the machines were closed , so I had to add that to my list of things to do that Monday . I had to stop somewhere on the way to the funeral home to get root touch up spray . I dyed my mom 's hair between her August hospital stay and this last one but her roots started to come back and I knew she 'd be mortified if she had to be in front of everyone with her grey roots . That morning my brother called up my husband while I was still sleeping . I found it odd that they were doing all the communicating through my husband . I believe they thought my husband was easy to manipulate . They were trying to kiss ass telling my husband I could take my mom 's car , as if they had some type of authority . They also told my husband that my mom 's life insurance policy had lapsed and that it looked like they were going to have to move money out of some money market accounts to pay the funeral home . My husband said it sounded like they were talking about their own money market accounts but he wasn 't sure . My brother also informed him that there would be no money to pay for food or the restaurant to go to between viewings . I did not have the money to lay out for the restaurant or the food . At the time my husband and I were barely making it by . I was a stay at home mom and we lived exclusively off his paycheck . I called my brother and ultimately decided to use my mom 's house only because my house was a freaking mess . I hadn 't been home in over a month . I didn 't have time to get it together . My mom 's house was actually clean . She was in the hospital for about four days and my brother and Satan told me I had to let the cleaning lady in . She had just been there the week prior and my mom wasn 't home fo ( To be continued in my next post ) . Uncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes Just like that , she was gone . Novemeber 20th 2016 the worst day of my life . March 30 , 2017March 30 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment The last few posts were very hard for me to write . Reading them back to myself , I can see how much I struggled . I am still grieving . As I wrote this it has barely been four months since my mom has passed . I am still in shock . I still won 't allow myself to fully go to that place where I get too deep because I am afraid of being so sad , and crying so much that I won 't be able to turn it off . From this point on in the story we are pretty much up to current times and everything I 've been dealing with since her passing , and so once I fully catch up to present days I 'm going to start talking about the grieving process and how I 'm dealing with that . First though , I must finish the story and tell you all what happened in the days and weeks following her death and how crazy that all was for me . If you read any of this story , thank you . It was the morning of November the 20th , 2016 when my mom passed away , at 8 : 04 in the morning . I was the only one with her besides the nurses , who were complete strangers to me . They both looked at me and expressed their sorrow . I rubbed my mom 's arm and it was still warm . I stared to cry and said , " goodbye mama . " . The other nurse turned to me and said that they would give me a few minutes alone . For a second I panicked as if I were a little kid , that they are leaving me alone with her now lifeless body , but then I realized , this isn 't the scary part . The scary part was what I witnessed for the past month . It was just her body and her spirit had left it . It was still my mom . I thought to myself , she was finally at peace , with no more pain and I was ok . I gotI realized my family would be on their way shortly and so I decided to step out of the room to start making phone calls . I didn 't want everyone just showing up without knowing , and so the first person I called was my brother . He told me he and his wife were heading up to the hospital and would be there shortly . He also said he 'd notify my aunt Debbie and Aunt Bea and I figured between them , they 'd notify everyone else . I went to walk back to the room and the door was closed so I knocked . They told me to wait a moment and that they were just cleaning her up . In the meantime the on - call doctor came to talk to me . He apologized for the loss and had me sign some papers . He also asked me if I wanted an autopsy in which I declined . I 'm actually sorry that I did . At times I question why things took such a drastic turn . Why my brother and his wife stayed away from the hospital for those few days before she died . By the time I was done discussing things with him , the nurses were done . I walked into the room to see they had closed my moms eyes , neatened up the sheets and folded her arms over her chest , simarlarly to how they do it in the funeral home . They also gathered all of her belongings and put them in bags and piled the bags on the table and chairs . She had accumulated a lot of stuff in her months long stay . As I was in there I could almost here her telling me to grab her phone and her iPad before my brother and his wife got it . I knew my mom was like me and she never deleted her text messages . My brother would 've been devastated had her read the text messages between me and her . I also knew she talked to a lot of people about what was going on and how much she hated his wife . I couldn 't do that to my mom . Even though she physically isn 't here , I felt like it was wrong . I walked downstairs to put them in my car and as I was on my way down my cousin Tina called me . Of all of my cousins her and I used to be the closest . Tina was Aunt Debbie 's daughter and she was an only child . I always felt bad that she didn 't have a sibling and so I sort of stepped into that role for her . We used to talk daily since the time she was a young teen . After my mom she was probably the next person in my family that I communicated with most , but six months before my mom passed she kind of just cut off communication with me , without any explanations . There was nothing that I could think of off the top of my head that I did that would cause her to just drop me like that . In the same token I also didn 't bother to find out what was wrong . I was too busy caring for my mom . I eventually found out it was because of the letter I wrote to her mom . I was shocked . She is well aware of who her mother is and how she operates . I 've never seen a mother and daughter at each other 's throats more than her and her mom . If my son ever spoke of me the way she spoke about her mom , I 'd be really upset . Besides , I don 't think she was presented I got home and walked in my front door . My son came running up to me yelling , " mommy ! " . My husband too . We all just say there and embraced one another and cried . We all sat down on the couch and I went over everything that had happened that day up until then . I told him I had to go to the funeral home and he agreed it was bullshit that they couldn 't wait . Neither of us could understand why they were so eager to get my mom 's wake over and done with and on with their lives . As I was home I received a phone call from the place that handled donations of the eyes . The woman who answered was very pleasant to deal with . She needed some basic and background information about my mom . I ended up being on the phone with her that by time I got off , it was time for me and my husband to leave to go to the funeral home . We pulled up and of course my brother and Satan were already there sitting in the lobby . I needed my husband there too . Satan is very quiet when he 's around . I think she 's a little intimidated by him . It was so uncomfortable with her being there . It was like having a ( demonic ) stranger in the room sucking up all of the good oxygen . The funeral director was a woman , different than the woman who came up to the hospital . The first part of this meeting was completely redundant . It was exactly what we had accomplished in the hospital . She asked us basic info about my mom and once again my brother was looking at me for the answers . My husband and Satan were quietly sitting in two chairs off to the side . Then me moved on to how many days we wanted the service . At the same time I said , " one " and my brother said " two " . I wasn 't really sure why he wanted to do two , but I just went a long with it . I was much too tired and upset to argue . Then she showed us the book of Mass cards and we picked ones that had assorted pictures of flowers . My mom loved flowers . We decided to have a priest even though my mom wasn 't really all that religious . She still believed in god and I think she would 've wanted himAs the funeral director was tallying the costs , my brother turns to me and says , " after here me and [ satan ] are heading over to [ a local Irish pub ] . We figured we would go there between the funeral services . " . I had went along with all their crazy bullshit up until this point but there was no way in hell I was agreeing with this . For the last two days Satan was going around telling my family members that we were going to go back to my mom 's house between the viewings . Whatever family member is was that told me that , thought it was incredibly ballsy for her to offer up my mom 's house . They also though it was a little strange . I also found it funny at she was able to lend her own home to a friend 's sister to have a 50th birthday party in , but she didn 't even offer it up for her husband 's family . Someone must of told them that was weird and so now they picked this Irish pub . I had to laugh when my brother said it , I replied to him by saying , " [ our mother 's Italian maiden name ] , we are Italian . There 's no way in hell we are going to [ local Irish pub ] . We will honor her by eating Italian food . " . I could see the smoke rising from Satan 's ears . I know she 's the one who picked that place . She is Irish through and through . St . Patrick 's day is her favorite holiday . I told him to go check out a local Italian restaurant to eat at . I wasn 't going to no pub so I could watch Satan get drunk . No thanks . After that it was time to go down to the show room of death , as I like to call it . . I was stunned the fist time I had been down there when we were making my dad 's funeral arrangements . It 's like a little store . The first room you walk into is all filled with urns and all these miscellaneous knick knacks and memorial items . You can really customize your wake . Then as you go through there , you enter a large showroom that 's filled with caskets that are all sitting there with their doors propped open . If there 's anything I learned from watching HBO 's six feet under , it 's that death is a bWe walked out of the funeral home and Satan , still reeling about my " we are Italian " comment , ran straight to their car and didn 't say goodbye to either me or my husband . My brother stayed behind and talked with is for a few minutes . He started spewing plans of what we should do in the following days . The next day , he and Satan were going to order the flowers and go to the Italian restaurant . Then he started to go into this bullshit about just opening up my mom 's house and having an estate sale so we didn 't have to be bothered going  through everything . I sat there and just looked at him dumbfounded and wondered , did he even know our mother ? She actually used to go to estate sales all of the time because she would sell stuff on eBay . She always used to tell me how sad she thought it was that the family didn 't want to be bothered looking through the deceased 's stuff . She asked me never to do that if she died . I never would anyway . I know my mom was very sentimental , as am I . I want to touch and see everything she held . I want to find little treasures like a letter she wrote or card that she saved . My brother and Satan seemed like they wanted to be in control of everything …… everything . ( To be continued in the next post ) Uncategorizedadult orphan , bad news , caring for a sick parent , dealing with death , dealing with the death of a parent , death , death of a parent , dying parent , dysfunctional family , empathy , funeral planning , greif , greiving , hospice , last will and testament , lawyers , lonlliness , losing a parent , losing your mother , my mother died , narcissist , sadness , saying goodbye , sibling rivalry , worst day of my life Novemeber 19th , 2016 11 : 30 pm and beyond … . The last talk . March 30 , 2017March 30 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I was totally sure my brother would be gone by the time I came back . As mad as I had been with him , I still cared about him . I 've made this analogy before , but seeing someone you love in a relationship with a narcissist , is like losing a family member to drugs . All you can do is sit back and watch them make horrible decision after horrible decision , and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it . I know my brother , or rather , I " knew " my brother and what kind of person he was . If it was any other girlfriend , I don 't think my brother would 've left the hospital at all that night . He was gone for four hours . He was well aware of what was going on with my mom and where she was headed . If I were in his shoes , seeing that he had missed the majority of the last three years with her , I would 've wanted to stay there and soak up every minute of time with her . That goes to show how much control a narcissist has over their victims and how afraid their victims are to go against them . My brother had a choice that night . He could 've told his wife to entertain her friends on her own and he could 've chosen to stay at the hospital . I know my brother and I know that one day he is going to be very sorry about the choices he made during this time . I wonder if he spoke to my mom during that time . If he told her he was sorry or told her he loved her . It makes me sad for him that one day he may see things clearly , but ultimately they are his choices and he is the one who will have to live with themI went back into mom 's room and sat there for a bit . I had probably only slept a total of four hours in the last two nights . It was starting to catch up with me . Kathy came back in and we sat there and talked for a while . I am not going to lie . My mom looked scary . She had her head turned to the side , one eye was wide open while the other was half way shut . Ten years ago I never would 've imagined myself being able to sit there alone with someone I loved in such horrible condition and looking so scary . It 's an image that I don 't want to remember , but any time I think back to her time at the hospital , that is all I see in my head . I hope in time that vision fades . I do not want to remember my mother like that . It was rounding 4 : 00am and I had set myself up as close to my mom as I could physically be . I wanted to be able to hold her hand and touch her . When my dad was in the hospital my mom slept in that chair every night and held his hand . My mom was the most fiercely loyal woman on theplanet . Her love was truly unconditional . I hated that she had to be in a hospital dying . I wished she could 've had the privilege to be home on hospice as my dad was , but unfortunately it didn 't work out that way . My dad was in the hospital a week or so prior to his death . He made the decision to stop all treatment and go on hospice at home . He didn 't want to die in a hospital . My dad accepted his situation and in a strange way , his death gave me a whole new respect for him . He handled it all like a true man , like a father should . He sat all of us down one by one and talked to us about his decision . I will never forget that conversation . He told me he was going to stop treatment because he didn 't want to go through all the bullshit anymore . I told him , " dad although I don 't want to see you go , I understand . It 's YOUR life and I can see that you are tired of fighting . " . Back when my mom 's kidneys failed in the early 90 's , I remember being in the car with my dad one time on the way up to visit my mom in the Anyway , I got off track there but my mom literally stuck right by his side as he was going through the transition of leaving this world and going to another . In the last few days of his life , either me or her were in the room . She hadn 't showered in days . She would only leave the room to get food or go to the bathroom . We were sitting there talking one day and my mom was saying how disgusting she felt and how badly she needed a nice hot shower . I told her to go and that my dad would be fine for a few minutes . We called my brother , who was living in the basement , to come upstairs and stay by his side . My mom turned on the water . At the time I was going through some old pictures of my dad so we could display him at his wake and I had all the albums and stuff laying on my mom 's bed . I left the room that he was in and went into their bedroom . The very second after I closed the door I heard my brother screaming , " he 's gone ! He 's gone ! " . It was the first time in three to four days that both me and my mom were both out of the room , at the same time . I truly believe he was waiting for a moment like that because he didn 't want us to see him take his last breath . I felt like my mom deserved the same thing . She deserved to leave this world with someone by her side , especially since she was so scared and not ready to die . She never made it to the acceptance stage . She didn 't have enough time . I don 't even remember falling asleep that night . The last thing I remember was saying goodnight to my mom and kissing her of the forehead , then laying down and watching a video on my phone . At about 7 : 30 am I woke up to the sounds of beeping machines and Kathy and another nurse , talking in a dull whisper . I popped my head up and asked what was going on . She told me my mom 's heart rate went up extremely high and she was trying to calm her down . I was trying so hard to stay awake , but it felt almost as if someone was pulling my eye lids down . The previous night when the nurses were in and out of the room I 'd pop up a … . and just like that , at 8 : 04 in the morning on November 20th , 2016 , my mom passed away …… . Uncategorizedbad news , caring for a sick parent , death , death of a parent , dying parent , dysfunctional family , empathy , greif , hospice , last will and testament , lawyers , lonlliness , losing a parent , losing your mother , narcissist , sadness , saying goodbye , sibling rivalry , worst day of my life November 19th 2016 ( early morning and day ) March 30 , 2017March 30 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I had left the hospital and ran to my house to grab some of my stuff so I could sleep there . They had this baby blue , fake leather , recliner chair in my moms room and that was going to be my bed for the night . Aunt Debbie decided she wasn 't going to stay . Instead she was going to go home and sleep and come back early in the morning . It was super late . The nurse set me up with a blanket and pillow and I tried to get settled in , but I just couldn 't fall asleep . I was too nervous . I was just sitting there watching my mom 's chest go up and down as she breathed . She looked very peaceful and if there was anything to be happy about , that was it . I hadn 't seen her completely calm and peaceful in such a long time . Ever since she had her surgery to remove the 8 ″ cancerous mass and her kidney , back In February of 2016 , it 's like a piece of her soul was left on that operating table . She just wasn 't the same . She seemed detached sometimes and like she was distracted by her own thoughts , or in her own world . Our conversations went from gossiping about who posted what on Facebook , to what new aches and pains or new symptoms she was feeling , which doctors she had to see next , and what prescriptions she needed to refill . I missed the regular bullshit conversations we used to have and I knew at this point we 'd never have them again . Before she left that night , my cousin Nikki gave me some advice . She told me that she read somewhere that the hearing was the last thing to go and so she told me talk to her and say the things I needed to say to her . I wanted to say things to her but I wanted to do it at a time where she was sort She replied , " if you think I would do anything against you you 're out out of you 're miimh [ sic ] . " I didn 't think my mom would do anything to hurt me , but I knew she was holding back information from me . There were a few things said to me here and there that didn 't make full sense and I was able to tell there was more to it than what she was telling me . I know why she did it and I cannot even be mad . There were a few reasons , one being that she had to make peace with her son , so she can have her own peace , to absolve her of all the guilt she was made to feel because she stood up for herself . A lot of that guilt came from Aunt Bea . She made my mom feel like she was a terrible mother for putting her foot down and demanding respect . Although , she was in denial about her own situation and what my brother was doing , I think deep down inside she knew what was going on and I think she just wanted peace of mind . The other reason was that she didn 't want me to be alone . She knew how badly her death was going to effect me . About a week before she died I was up in her room visiting and out of nowhere she said to me , " [ my nickname ] I 'm sorry . " . I asked her why she was sorry and she told me , " I 'm sorry because I feel bad that this is what your life has become . " . I told her , " don 't be sorry for me , I 'm fine . Feel sorry for yourself , you are the one who 's going through the hard stuff , not me . " I had to explain to her that there was a difference between " wanting " to be there and " having " to be there . I wanted to be there . My husband and I were out in the parking garage and the more we talked the more angry we were getting . With everything else that was going on we thought maybe they were going to try to get my incapacitated mother to sign something . Maybe she had already signed something and they were just reviewing it . My husband was vexed and said he would go right up to her and ask him to show him what was in her bag . As badly as I wanted to grab her pocketbook like a mugger in Central Park ; it was probably best if I let him handle this one , this time . We made our way back up stairs and by the time we got up there the nurses had informed them that the private room was ready for us . My brother and Satan were moving all of her belongings out of the room and transferring them over to the other room . My husband and I entered the empty room where they were and we just sort of stood there quietly . I kind of blocked the doorway and my husband , holding my son , walked a little further in the room . Neither my brother or her made a peep . I watched them carelessly pile my mom 's belongings on the radiator . I looked over at my husband and I could see his mouth opening like he was going to say something but the words wouldn 't come out . Instead I just gestured to him to leave the room and we went back in to my mom 's room . He gave my mom one last kiss on the head and told her he loved her . He then held my son over her to give her a kiss . She didn 't even respond . Seeing my son say goodbye and knowing it was the last time he 'd ever see her ; well it was the most gut wrenching thing I had ever seen . I will have that vision , along with many others , burned into my memory forever . My husband left and by that time almost all of my family was up there . They took over the waiting room once again . They even brought some wine which I totally thought was wrong , but whatever , to each their own . It was nearing 3 : 00pm and my brother told me that the woman from the funeral home was running a little late and would be there in a little while . I was alreAt the end she was about to give us an estimate for the two days of wake service and cremation costs . As she was adding everything up , people started to shuffle p out of the room , leaving just me and my brother there alone . A few seconds after everyone leaves the room , my uncle bob opens the door and comes walking in with his chest puffed out like she 's some type of tuff guy . He didn 't even look at me . Instead he walks right over to my brother , sits down in the seat right next to him and pats him on the back as if to console him . He didn 't look at me at all during the whole rest of the meeting . I fucking hate that asshole . He made it very clear to me that day by doing that . He had chosen a side and clearly , it wasn 't mine . It was really nice that my mom had her own room . We could all sit in there and not have to worry about disturbing anyone else . There was a very somber tone in the room . I wonder to this day if my mom was at all conscious while everyone was there and if she heard everyone 's voices and knew we were all there . I do not remember if she even opened her eyes , while everyone was there . The more she slept , the closer I knew she was to leaving us . I realized that night that my mom was the unique one out of her whole family . When you come from a large family where the siblings ' ages span over a decade , their tends to be little cliques in within the family unit . The older siblings tend to be closer with one another and the youngest seem to stick together too . My mom was closest with Aunt Debbie and Aunt Bea but kept a special relationship with each and every one of her siblings and each and everyone of them valued that and valued her and the things she for them . She made everyone feel special in their own way . She always made sure to periodically call all of them to see how they were . I don 't think the rest of them call each other as much as my mom called all of them . I know she 's my mom and people are not going to talk negatively about her , but I have heard each one of them talk about othMy heart really broke for my grandmother . She didn 't leave my moms side for the entire two days . She just sat there staring at her , saying , " that 's my baby . " . . I really feel like she got lost in all of this . I 'm not saying my aunts and uncle 's don 't care about her . They all do a great deal , but I think sometimes they just write her off as this old lady who can 't hear that good and they 're so wrapped up in their own god damned feelings about things , that no one really sat with her and comforted her or discussed how she felt about everything . I made it a point to sit down next to her ( as did my cousin Nikki ) and really ask her how she was feeling about everything and how she was holding up . . I couldn 't imagine what was going through her head having just found out how really sick my mom was . I sat down next to her and just held her hand . Here it was three generations of women and one who going well before her time . It was around 6 : 00 - 7 : 00 in the evening when my brother stood up and announced he was going to go home for a little bit but he 'd be back . Had he left it at that , I wouldn 't have thought much of it but he goes on to tell whoever else was in the room at the time that he has a party going on at his house ! Apparently his wife had offered their house up for a friend 's , sister 's 50th birthday party . He goes on to make this lame excuse that they couldn 't cancel it because they didn 't have any way of getting in touch with all of the people . He then buried himself by saying they were all invited via Facebook . Maybe it 's just me but I found it kind of ridiculous that he 'd even entertain a party while his mom was in the hospital dying , and if these people were " friends " , you 'd think they 'd understand what was going on and move their party elsewhere . It wasn 't until about 11 : 00pm that he ended up coming back . By that time my family started leaving . I had to go home too , to grab clothes for another long night …… Uncategorizedbad news , caring for a sick parent , dying parent , dysfunctional family , empathy , hospice , last will and testament , lawyers , narcissist , sibling rivalry , wills Novemeber 18 , 2016 the beginning of the end … . ( part b ) March 30 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment My brother got up to the hospital shortly after talking to him . We paged the doctor and he was there within minutes ( which is highly unusual ) . He explained the same things he had told me , to my brother , and thankfully my brother agreed with my " choice . " It wasn 't really much of a choice though . It was really the only option we had . He explained to us that it could be hours or days until she actually passed . About a week prior to this there was a woman in my mom 's room who was clearly at the end of her life . She was older than my mom by many years and I could tell she was in her last days . She was sleeping non - stop and when the nurses would come in , she would start screaming at them , telling them to leave her alone and to not touch her anymore . This anger and agitation is a very common part of the process . Anyway , this poor woman had no visitors for days until her sons finally showed up . They moved her into a private room where she passed away peacefully . I asked the doctor if it was possible we could do the same for my mom and he told me he 'd try his best to get us that room . Although I saw this coming from a mile away , I was still in complete shock . There were no questions anymore . No hope . My mother and best friend was going to die . People say it 's " easier " sometimes when you know before hand . They say you can prepare yourself . In a wa yes , but in reality , nothing can ever prepare you for losing someone . In a way it 's almost harder because while you know it 's going to happen , you don 't know when and so you are stuck in a constant t state of anxiety . I knew this was coming since the day I heard she had a rare and aggressive form of cancer . I read many articles about cancer in immunocompromised patients and what the survivWhen the doctor walked away my brother asked me if we could talk privately . I really didn 't have much to say to him but I agreed . We walked down the hall and he turns to me and says , " tell me what you think , me and [ Satan ] were thinking of calling someone from the funeral home to come down here tomorrow so we can start making arrangements . " . I just looked at him for a moment , in complete shock and then I asked , " Why ? " and reminded him , " She 's still here . " . He tried to sell me the idea by telling me that he wanted her to get into this specific funeral home because my dad 's wake was there and the holidays were coming up . I hated having to argue but I thought it was a TERRIBLE idea and completely unnecessary . Why waste an hour talking to some funeral director when we can spend that hour with her ? Besides , there was absolutely no need to pre - plan her funeral . Had she died in a car accident or something we would 've had to go after the accident and plan it . If we couldn 't get her in the same funeral home , oh well . There 's 100 others around . I didn 't want to get into it but I told him I didn 't think it was necessary and he seemed rather annoyed that I didn 't agree with him . I explained that I didn 't believe it was going to save us any time afterwards . We would still have to go there and pick out Mass cards and a casket , etc . They couldn 't bring their showroom to the hospital . I told him I didn 't want to argue and I didn 't think it was a good idea and and I just walked away . I really don 't know what all of this stupid bullshit was about . It was all a show , for him and his wife , to make it seem like they were being helpful and actually gave a shit about my mom . To me however , it was insulting . Where was he when she had her surgery and went home barely able to walk ? Where was he when she fell at 11 : 30 at night and needed an ambulance ? Where was he when she was up for three days straight because she was in so much pain ? Where was she when she was at the emergency room in horrible painI went into my moms room and some family members were starting to leave . I had to run back to my house which was only a short four miles away and get some comfortable clothes to wear and my contact lens case . I sat down on the foot of my mom 's bed . My Aunt Bea was seated on the other side . People were walking in and out of the room for the entire day and I felt bad for the elderly woman who shared a room with my mom . It 's hard enough to sleep in the hospital as it is . I mean you really don 't sleep . There 's always nurses coming in to take your vitals or people screaming , announcements over the loudspeaker , carts rolling down the hallway , nurses talking really loud , janitorial staff cleaning , other patients yelling , etc . I expressed my concern for the old woman . I said I felt bad that there was so much activity going in and out and that she was probably tired and wanted to get some rest . Aunt Bea heard me and I thought she 'd also try to empathize and say " what if that was my mother ? " . No , instead she waves her hand and says , " Oh fuck her ! ! " and then proceeds to stick her middle finger up towards the curtain that divided the room in half . I know this sounds silly and isn 't really a big deal , but when she did that , it really bothered me and really made me think . Small moments like that could really show you a person 's true character . Over the last few months of my mom 's life I really started to see everyone 's character much more clearly than I ever did before , my Aunt Bea especially . If you didn 't know her the way I do , you 'd be shocked by her doing that . Aunt Bea is always the first one to send you a birthday card or call you to wish you a happy birthday . She will compliment you and praise you and make you feel special but behind your back she will mother fuck you , to no end . I started to see who she really was long before this day and believe it or not , Facebook is what exposed her . I just started to notice how incredibly fake she was . She 's an ass kisser . She 's a phony and she ' sAunt Bea made my mom feel like shit . She gave my mom her kidney , and then I guess to her , that meant that she had the right to treat my mom less than human . I believe a lot of it was out of jealousy . My mom had a lot of traits and ways about her that I believe my Aunt wanted . My mom was smart , intelligent , and well read . She was independent and did everything for herself . She didn 't depend on my dad to do it for her . She was a dedicated worker and was recognized for it . She was an amazing mother , who until three years ago , had really good relationships with both my brother and myself . Aunt Bea possessed none of those skills . She would always say things to me like " oh , well your mother is so smart , she reads all those books and she can figure anything out … she 's good like that . I have hardly read any books . " . It goes to show how stupid she really is because reading books didn 't make my mom smarter than her . My mom was smarter because she took interest in things other than herself . If she didn 't know how to do something , she 'd try to figure out another way . She listened to other people speak and absorbed information , and yes , she read books too . That 's what made her smarter . Reading a book didn 't make her any smarter . I am an empath by nature . A lot of my crying that day was because I was feeling the pain of everyone around me . I would look at my grandmother and think , " Wow . She is 90 years old . She lived through so much . " . Born in the mid 1920 's , she has seen everything from the Great Depression to the Vietnam war , to the gulf war , to Iraq and 9 / 11 . She watched people much younger than her by many years , die off one by one . My grandfather and all four of his siblings have passed on and she outlived all of them and now here she is , at 90 years old and she is losing her baby . Her and my mom had a very special bond and I think it 's because of all of the siblings , my mom took on the most of her traits . It hurt me to know that . It doesn 't matter how old you are or your child is , you should Uncategorizedbad news , caring for a sick parent , dying parent , dysfunctional family , empathy , hospice , last will and testament , lawyers , narcissist , sibling rivalry , wills Paranoia got the most of me … . March 28 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I fixed my mother 's iPad for her . It took a while , but I was able to do it without losing any data . I hate that this happened , I really do , but at this point in time my husband and I really started to question my mom 's role and if maybe she was in on things with my brother and Satan . Was she just an innocent monkey in the middle or was she playing both sides ? Looking back , I think I little of the latter was going on , I don 't think she did it with ill intentions towards me . I even wondered if they had managed to get into her head with their lies . I remembered that every time a text went off on her phone , it would go of in her iPad too . Maybe it was wrong of me but I decided to look in her texts . Maybe there was something in there that would explain what was going on , and more importantly , why ? I went to my brother 's and her texts first . Apparently the day that the lawyer came she had accidentally text my brother instead of me . My mom told him about the lawyer previous to this day , but she didn 't tell him when or why he was coming . She wrote the same thing to him that she did to me , that " they " said she should see him alone . That was when my brother responded , " Which lawyer ? The one from the hospital or the one Janet suggested . " Janet ? Who the fuck was Janet but more so , why is she suggesting lawyer 's for my mom and also , why does he know about it and I don 't ? I had no idea who Janet was and it haunted me for a while . I didn 't want to ask my mom so I was trying to figure it out on my own . Then suddenly it hit me ! I remember when my mom told me that Satan said they ( coincidentally ) used the same accountant , my mom said the accountant 's name was Janet ! I 'm still trying to piece this all together though . My told me that Satan said she had gotten some advice from someone , that she needed to tell Janet . I asked my mom what type of advice she got , and my mom played it off like she didn 't remember . Now this same lady is suggesting lawyer 's for my mom to see ? There had to be a discussion about my mom 's will between my brother , Satan and her . I personally think they wanted to convince my mom they are more " responsible " than me . They were afraid my mom would make me the executor , and that was not what they wanted becausethey wanted to have all the control . They may have even just wanted to get my aunts off the will , so they can have control . Satan had fully brainwashed Aunt Bea , but I think she was a little iffy about Aunt Debbie because Aunt Debbie wasn 't particularly fond of her , and Satan didn 't know if she could control her as much as Aunt Bea . I do not believe Satan used the same Tax lady as my mom . I think she pretended to use the same accountant as her because she wanted to talk to the accountant to see how much money my mom was worth and what she owed in taxes . Satan supUncategorizedevil people , manipulation , narcissist , npd , paranoia Previous Articles

When Officer Andy Myers met Loraine Phillips , he had no interest in her son . And he certainly never dreamed he 'd respond to a call , finding that same boy in a pool of blood . Even more alarming was the father standing watch over his son 's body . Myers had never seen a man respond to death - particularly the death of a child - in such a way . When the father is charged with murder and sentenced to death , he chooses not to fight but embrace it as God 's will . Myers becomes consumed with curiosity for these strange beliefs . What follows is the story of the bond these two men share as they come to terms with the tragedy and the difficult choices each one must make . There are , as you know , some usages of profanity and descriptions of sexual activity that would not normally be contained in material aimed at Christian audiences . I understand the difficulty faced by Christian authors when depicting non Christian people in not normally using realistic language . The end result sounds ridiculous ! Can you speak at some length about your decision to use what some would describe as gratuitous language and description . As a father of two daughters I am constantly faced with making the decision of what movies to allow my children to go see . This book , The Death and Life of Gabriel Phillips , was originally a concept for a movie . Because of the lack of quality and realistic content within the culture that is created by the Christian community , it has been my experience that at least 80 percent of the Christians I know go on a weekly basis to watch PG and PG 13 movies , and the language of the book purposefully does not go beyond that rating . For myself and Mark Tabb , in order to tell our story , and have it be realistic , not only to believers but to non - believers as well , we felt that allowing some of the language to be a little bit edgy was necessary . For Christians who find it to be going too far , it was never our intention to upset them . Personally , it is my belief that in order to get the more powerful message of the book out there in the world today , I felt this structure was necessary in order to be realistic and engaging . And I recently did a cameo on Donald Trump 's upcoming new season of The Celebrity Apprentice and gave this book to the celebrities on the show . Two of the celebrities couldn 't put this book down - and these are full on Hollywood folks . I asked them to please read this and get back to me with what you read . They came back to me with " Stephen - this is an incredible powerful story . " And " the faith - based story and the way it was woven in to the story made it very real for me . " ANDY MYERS DIDN ' T want children . That was one of his conditions when he married my mom . No kids . Period . Case closed . You would think someone so adamant about not reproducing would have gone out and had a vasectomy , but Andy didn 't think that way . He didn 't want kids ; keeping that from happening was my mother 's responsibility . When she failed , he immediately made an appointment for her at an abortion clinic in Indianapolis . He didn 't ask . He just assumed she would terminate my life before my feet ever hit the ground . She refused . He walked out . And I didn 't hear from him until I was thirteen . I think he sent money to my mother every month , at least while he was able . I 'm pretty sure he did . The courts probably made him , and a cop like my dad wouldn 't risk going to jail , at least not over something as insignificant as money . I guess that explains why I always hated my old man . Despising him was imprinted on my DNA just as surely as my dark brown hair and blue eyes . The girls always loved my blue eyes . More than one lost her moral resolve when I put those baby blues to work . I got my eyes from Andy . I think they may have been part of the hook he used on my mom . I 'm not sure . My mom never talked about him that way . For that matter , she hardly talked about anything that happened before she and I moved to St . Louis from her hometown in Indiana when I was really little . I didn 't even know I had my dad 's eyes until I looked into them for the first time ten years ago . There was no mistaking the eyes , even with that thick sheet of glass between us . I think of that hatred in a different way , now that I am on the other side of the equation , with a son of my own . And I think about Andy Myers a little different as well . You know , life is funny . If my life had gone the way it was supposed to , I wouldn 't be sitting here with you right now . I would be somewhere , assuming I survived as long as I have , but I wouldn 't be sitting on the beach of Lake Michigan , watching my wife and son play in the water and talking to you . When I stand back and look at my family in this place , we look like the happy ending of one of those Hallmark Hall of Fame movies my wife loves to cry through . My life shouldn 't have turned out this way , not that I 'm complaining . But it strikes me as sort of hilarious to think that if my father hadn 't walked out on me , none of this would have happened . I hated him for what he did . Who would have ever thought it would have led to this ? It all goes back to when I was about the same age as my little boy . Back then my dad worked as a cop in Trask , Indiana . Believe it or not , my wife and I live there now . We moved there a few years ago , but that 's another story in itself . As for my dad , everyone in town knew him when he lived there . That doesn 't mean they liked him , but they knew him . He grew up just outside of town , and made a name for himself as the star athlete in the local high school . In a school as small as Trask High , it doesn 't take a lot of talent to stand out from the pack . After high school , my old man got it in his head that a career in sports was in his future . He tried walking onto the Ball State football team , but didn 't make it past the first few days of practice . After Ball State , he tried a few of the local small colleges , without success . Eventually he quit college altogether and joined the navy before the army could draft him . Vietnam was still going on , so my old man figured spending a couple of years on a boat beat getting shot at in a jungle . My dad wasn 't a violent man , but he never lost that star athlete swagger he carried around the high school campus . I 'm not sure why he moved back to his hometown after the navy . I guess there are worse places to live . He met my mother soon after , but that didn 't turn out so well . Around the time the two of them got married , he joined the local police force . No one ever told me why my dad became a cop . I don 't know if a career in law enforcement was his lifelong goal , or if he just sort of fell into it . At this point , I guess it doesn 't matter . All these years later I occasionally hear stories about him , but I think that has more to do with the way his career ended than anything else . No one ever signed off from police work quite like my old man . I came along less than two years after my parents got married . By then my mother was a single mom . My dad walked out on her when he found out she was pregnant . Now I could understand him leaving if she 'd been out whoring around , but my mother wasn 't like that . No , my dad walked out because my mother made the mistake of giving birth to his child . Like I said , Andy Myers didn 't want children , and my arrival did nothing to change his mind . He was gone by the time I was born , and my mom moved the two of us to St . Louis not long after . Like I said , when I was about the same age as my son , Andy Myers ( and if it is all the same to you , I would prefer calling him by his given name . I 've already called him " dad " more in the last few minutes than I have in my entire life ) worked as a cop in our beloved metropolis of Trask . I don 't know if living alone was making him have second thoughts , but he started seeing another woman . He 'd been with other women before Loraine Phillips , if you know what I mean , but those relationships were all very short - lived . Loraine was different . His time with her could actually be measured in months , not hours . The way he tells it , they weren 't so much dating as using one another to cure one another 's loneliness . That sounds like a load of bull to me , but , hey , it 's his life . He can tell himself whatever lies he wants . The two of them met in a bar , and they ended up in bed back at his apartment the same night . Again , that wasn 't exactly a remarkable event for Andy Myers . He thought of himself as six feet one inch , 205 pounds of sex appeal . And he had those killer blue eyes . Throw the whole package together , and look out . At least that 's what he says . He seems to think he was really something back in the day . But I don 't think getting Loraine into bed had as much to do with my old man 's charms as it did with her sexual appetite . After that first encounter , he tried to play the gentleman and begin a real dating relationship with her . But the first time he went by her place to pick her up , she met him at the door wearing nothing but a twelve - pack of Bud and a seethrough gown from Frederick 's of Hollywood and started clawing at his clothes . I 'm thirty - two , and it still creeps me out to think my own father told me this stuff , but he did . I guess he needed to . My story doesn 't really make sense without it . That night pretty much set the tone for the rest of their relationship . They never went out on actual dates . For that matter , they never really had an in - depth conversation , either live or over the phone . They would go as long as two or three weeks without talking , but then she would call and ask my dad if he had time to drop by . He knew what that meant . And he never said no . At times he felt a little guilty about the whole thing , but the sex was good and Loraine never seemed to want much more than a purely physical relationship . Besides , with a body like hers , few men would have complained . Andy 's friends thought he 'd fallen into every man 's fantasy : a hot woman , wild sex , and no strings attached . What could be better ? He knew the answer even then , although he couldn 't admit it to himself . Andy didn 't know Loraine had a kid until he 'd been with her for several months . The boy was never around when Loraine called , and she kept any signs of him out of view when Andy came by . Her system worked pretty well until the kid walked into the kitchen one Saturday morning . Andy was sitting there , eating a bowl of cereal in his underwear , when the boy came up , stuck out his hand , and said , " Hi , I 'm Gabriel . Gabriel Phillips . What 's your name ? " Finding a strange man sitting in his underwear in my kitchen when I was Gabe 's age would have sent me running down the hall screaming for my mother , but the sight of Andy didn 't seem to faze Gabe . He sounded like he was running for mayor at eight years of age . I bet my old man nearly crapped his pants at the sight of him . Then the kid said , " You like Cap ' n Crunch , too ? It 's my favorite , but my mom hardly ever buys it . Says too much sugar is bad for me . But it sure does taste good . " Andy fumbled over his words and said , " Yeah , they 're real good , " or something like that . He always was a great conversationalist . I don 't know which is weirder : the fact that Gabe wasn 't scared by a strange man in his kitchen , or that Andy wasn 't scared off by discovering the woman he was seeing had a kid . Neither one makes much sense to me . I guess I should be jealous of Gabriel Phillips since he was the only exception to the " no kids allowed " rule my dad ever made . I should , but I 'm not . Not anymore . Andy told me there was a quirky , awkward charm about Gabe that drew people to him . He was a little guy , really small for his age , which he came by naturally - the kid 's dad wasn 't exactly Shaquille O ' Neal . Once you got to know Gabe he didn 't seem so small ; he almost seemed like an adult . Keep in mind , I got all of my information secondhand several years later , and time has a way of glossing over any faults and amplifying people 's good qualities . Be that as it may , Gabriel Phillips , I am told , genuinely cared about people , especially people others overlooked . People were just drawn to him . Maybe it was something supernatural . I 'm not sure . But it sure cast a spell over my old man . Meeting Gabe didn 't make Andy run away . If anything , it made him more of a " boyfriend " than he 'd ever been before . He started going by Loraine 's house on a more regular basis . And not just for sex . He tried taking both mother and son out on something like dates . When Loraine feigned headaches , Andy still took Gabe . They went to ball games , or to the local hamburger stand , or wherever . Andy often said , " I 'd never met another child quite like him . " And the first time he said it to me , I walked out on him . The last time they were together , Andy drove Gabe down to Cincinnati for a Reds game . Loraine was supposed to go , too , but she didn 't . I doubt if she ever said why . Maybe she didn 't want to be stuck in a car with the two of them for two hours each way . Or maybe , like me , she thought it a little strange that my dad took such an interest in the kid . Andy wasn 't trying to replace the boy 's father . Gabe already had one of those . I like to think maybe Andy saw in Gabe a little of what he could have had with me , but that 's more wishful thinking than anything else . And wishful thinking only makes things worse , not better . About a week after the Reds game , Andy was fighting to stay awake while working the graveyard shift . The Trask police force was always woefully understaffed , then and now , which meant Andy had to pull all - nighters at least one week out of the month . On this particular night he couldn 't shake the cobwebs out of his head . It wasn 't just because of the late hour . He 'd been over at Loraine 's house right before reporting for duty , and was still in the fog that sleep usually takes care of after such activity . He was so out of it that the police dispatcher didn 't get a response from him until she radioed a second time . " Trask 52 - 2 , " the dispatcher said , " we have a 10 - 16 at 873 East Madison , apartment 323 . That 's a report of a domestic disturbance at eight - seven - three East Madison , number three - two - three . " He switched on the car dome light and fumbled for a pen and paper to write down the apartment number . They didn 't have fancy in - car computers back then . Andy suppressed a yawn , picked up his mic , and radioed back , " 10 - 4 , dispatch . Trask 52 - 2 is 10 - 8 . " 10 - 8 means " in service . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 at two - oh - six . By the way , Andy , we 've had three calls from the same location . You want me to get the sheriff 's department headed that way to back you up ? " " Naaaahhhh , " Andy yawned and said . " Let me check it out first . Probably nothing . No sense dragging anyone else out at this godforsaken hour if we don 't have to . " The mic hung in his hand as he stared at the apartment address he 'd written down . He cursed under his breath , then said to no one , " Good old Madison Park Apartments . What would an overnight shift be without at least one call from there ? " He let out another yawn , arched his back in an attempt to stretch the fatigue out of his body , then started his patrol car . Andy and every other Trask police officer could make the drive to the Madison Park Apartments from anywhere in town in their sleep . Late - night calls came from there at least once or twice a week . The walls were so thin that when someone coughed in one apartment , the people next door shouted , " Shut the hell up . " Most of the emergencies turned out to be nothing more than blaring televisions or couples arguing a little louder than they should . Andy figured this call would be more of the same . A handful of people milled around under the only working streetlight in the complex parking lot when Andy pulled in . A woman wearing an oversized T - shirt came running over as soon as he stepped out of his car . Immediately she started chewing on his ear . " What took you so long ? ! I called half an hour ago . " Andy recognized the woman everyone in town called " Crazy Cathy , " although she didn 't recognize him . At least not right off . About a month earlier he 'd arrested her for public intoxication . One day around noon she 'd gone for a walk down Main Street , bombed out of her mind , screaming obscenities at the lunchtime crowd going into the diner . She was notorious for that kind of stunt , which is why everyone called her Crazy Cathy , although Cathy wasn 't her real name . Even when she wasn 't drunk , she would walk around town , acting all nuts . All the kids in town thought she was hilarious , especially when she 'd been drinking . They would yell things at her to try to get her riled up . She died a few years before I moved to town . The way I hear it , she wandered out into the street while drunk and was hit by a truck . That 's not much of a way to die , even for Crazy Cathy . But she was cold sober the night she got my old man out in the middle of the night . At least she appeared to be . She kept yelling at Andy , " I know no one gives a damn about what happens out here . You think we 're all just a pain in the ass . " Her call to the police couldn 't have been much more than ten minutes earlier , but time slows to a crawl when you are waiting for a cop to show up . Andy didn 't try to defend himself . He just kept walking across the parking lot , growing more coherent with each step . There 's something about the gravelly sound of a chain - smoking woman 's voice that yanks you back to reality . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am . It 's been one of those nights " was all he could say . " Like hell it has , " she yelled back . " You think your night 's been bad ? You should have to listen to that kid carry on . He was screShe didn 't stop yelling until Andy got to the stairway leading up the outside of building three . He did his best to ignore her . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am , but you 're going to have to stay down here , " he said to her as he reached the stairs . " Don 't get too far away because I will need a full statement from you as soon as I check everything out . " Andy went about the business at hand . He went up the stairs of building three in search of apartment 323 . Another neighbor waited for him at the top of the stairs . " Oh , Officer , I 'm glad you 're here , " the woman said . To Andy , she looked like she may have been maybe twenty . As it turns out , she was a twenty - four - year - old single mother . Seems like half the population at Madison Park has always been made up of single moms . " My son came running into my room scared and crying , which is why I called , " she continued . " I started to go over and knock on the door myself , but I was a little nervous about doing it . I 've met the guy a few times . Our boys play together when his son stays with him , but I don 't know him well enough to knock on his door in the middle of the night , especially after what my son heard . " " That 's probably wise , ma ' am , " Andy said . He felt a little funny about calling someone " ma ' am " who looked like she had just graduated from high school . " You said your son heard something that shook him up ? " " Yes , sir . My son , he 's eight . He came running into my room . He was shaking , he was so scared . " " I 'll check it out . You should go back to your apartment , miss . I 'm sure everything is fine . There 's probably nothing here for your son to be afraid of , but if there is , I will take care of it . Which apartment are you in , just in case I need to get a statement from you ? " With that , the woman went back into her apartment . Andy heard the dead bolt turn and the slide of the chain into the extra lock . " These people sure are jittery , " Andy said with a sigh . He 'd never seen so many people get so shook up over a blaring television . Calls like this at this hour always turned out to be someone asleep in front of a blaring television stuck on the late , late show . Even before twenty - four hour cable networks , local stations broadcast late into the night , usually filling the dead air with old movies . Andy walked over to apartment 323 and listened at the door . He didn 't hear anything . No yelling . No banging . Nothing . He looked at his watch : 2 : 17 a . m . All the local stations would have switched from movies to test patterns by now . No wonder it was quiet . " Police department , " he called out as he knocked on the door . No response . He could see a light shining through the peephole . He knocked again , with more authority this time , and called out even louder to wake up the sleeper in front of the television , " Police . I need you to open the door , please . " As he waited for a response , he heard the muffled sound of a man 's voice on the other side . Andy reached up to bang on the door again , when it opened . A man in his mid - thirties motioned him inside as he continued talking on the phone . " Yes . Yes , " the man said , " thank you , Father . " The man turned his back and continued talking on the phone as though no one else was in the room . Andy took a quick glance around . A brown couch with oversized cushions , along with a ratty recliner , were the only furniture in the room . Andy also noticed the living room didn 't have a television . He looked closely at the man on the phone . He was wearing a faded polo - type shirt and a pair of Levi 501 's , but no shoes or socks . He was walking around barefoot on the linoleum tile of his apartment . " Sir , " Andy said , " I need you to get off the phone . " " Amen . Thanks , Eli . Hey , I gotta go . The police are here now . Thanks for praying . Keep it up . " The man spun around to untangle himself from the extra long cord , then hung up the phone . " I 'm sorry , Officer . I was just about to call . You were next on my list . He 's back here . " The man turned down the narrow hall toward the smaller of the two bedrooms . " It happened so fast , " he said with a matter - of - fact tone , " there just wasn 't any time . I ran in there as fast as I could , but by the time I got to him , it was already too late . I just had time to tell him good - bye and then he was gone . " Andy felt like he 'd walked into the middle of a conversation . The guy 's words didn 't make any sense and his demeanor just didn 't seem right . At least that 's how Andy remembered it when he told me about that night . He had trouble reading the guy , which set Andy 's nerves on edge . As a policeman , he prided himself on his ability to figure people out in an instant . I never thought he was as good at it as he did . " He 's in here , " the man said as he motioned into a small bedroom . Andy thought it odd that the man wouldn 't move past the doorway . When Andy looked into the room , the entire floor appeared to be painted red . The room was pretty small , maybe seven feet by nine feet , and most of that was filled with furniture and toys , which made the scene look bloodier than it really was . The remains of a shattered goldfish bowl lay near the dresser , the bottom drawer of which stood open . A small boy , maybe eight years of age , was on the bottom bunk . His skin had a bluish gray tint to it . Even before he got to him , Andy knew the boy was dead . Blood soaked the pillow under the child 's head , with a smear running along the side of the mattress up from the floor . Andy 's feet slipped as he hurried across the room , his adrenaline kicking into high gear . Instinctively , he knelt down beside the child and felt for a pulse in his neck . Nothing . Then he laid his head on the boy 's chest and listened for sounds of breath , but didn 't hear a thing . " How long has he been out ? " Andy shouted toward the boy 's father . " Ten . . . maybe fifteen minutes . I . . . I 'm not sure , " the man replied . " I don 't know how to do mouth - to - mouth , but I didn 't think it would do any good . I knew he was gone right after I got to him . " The man 's voice cracked just a little as he spoke . He swallowed hard and said , " I just knew he had already gone home . " Andy shook his head and muttered something under his breath that questioned the man 's emotional stability . He reached under the boy 's body to lift him off the bed and start CPR . As he raised him up , the boy 's limbs hung limp and lifeless . Most of the bleeding had stopped , although a few drips fell from the back of the boy 's head . The pillow was soaked crimson and the boy 's hair and shirt were wet . on the floor . About the only time my old man ever mentioned God or Jesus was when he was really upset . Even then , they were nothing but words , not divine beings . " Holy , holy Christ , " he said as he laid the boy on the floor and squared himself around to try to revive him . He reached under the boy 's neck to raise his head up for the three quick breaths he had only performed on Resusci Anne , the CPR dummy , up until that day . Only then did Andy take a close look at the boy . He looked him right in the face and it hit him . " Wait a minute . No . . . Gabe ? " he said . Suddenly adrenaline gave way to nausea . A lump of bile hit him in the back of the throat as Andy fought to keep his composure . " Gabe ? " he repeated . " You knew my son ? " Gabe 's father asked . " How ? " Andy kept staring into the boy 's face . " I 'm a friend of his mother , " he replied but didn 't elaborate . " How did . . . " Andy cleared his throat and tried to speak again . I guess in all the excitement he forgot about trying CPR , not that it would have done any good . The kid 's lips had already turned blue and his body was slightly cool to the touch . " How did this happen ? " " I - I . . . I 'm not exactly sure , " the boy 's father replied . " It all happened so fast . My boy had night terrors , and he would wake up screaming all the time . I guess you sort of get used to things like that after a while . They got even worse after his mother and I split up a while ago . I heard him screaming , but I thought I was the one having the bad dream . I woke up just in time to hear him fall . I ran in here , but I couldn 't do anything . I tried . Really , I tried , but I could feel his life slipping out of him , felt his spirit leaving . All I could do was kiss him good - bye and promise I would see him soon . Then he went home . " The boy 's father paused , then said , " Do you know what my son 's name means , Officer ? " That last question really got to my pop . He didn 't know what the meaning of a kid 's name had to do with anything , especially with the man 's kid lying dead on a cold , bloody linoleum floor . My old man also found the dad 's lack of emotion rather odd . This was far from the first time Andy had dealt with a family member after a death , but this was the first time he 'd seen a parent show so few signs of grief . A couple of years earlier he 'd had to break the news to a couple closing in on retirement age that their thirty - seven - year - old son had died in a car crash . A doctor had to come to the house to sedate them both . But this guy was calmer than a televangelist during a tax audit . Maybe he was in shock . Everyone responds to death in different ways , that 's what I think . My old man , he wasn 't so sure . " God is my strength , " the father went on . " Gabriel means ' God is my strength . ' His mother wanted to name him Keith , after Keith Moon , the drummer from the Who . She 's a big fan of the Who . The name just didn 't seem to fit . I took one look at him and knew I had to name him Gabriel . It took me a few years , but I finally figured out why . God had talked to me through my son , Officer . Didn 't know it at the time . God was telling me to make Him my strength . Right now I don 't know what I would do if I hadn 't listened . " Andy made a mental note of how the father seemed to keep his distance from the boy . He never moved from the doorway as he spoke , while Andy stayed on his knees next to the body , his pants legs soaking up the liquid on the floor . As Andy looked down , Gabe seemed much younger to him than eight - younger and smaller . The boy 's mother had once said something about how the other kids picked on him because of his size . Now he seemed smaller still . Andy knew the boy was dead , but he felt a strong urge to reach out and protect him . He grabbed his radio with his left hand , the hand that was covered with blood from the back of the boy 's neck . " Trask dispatch , 52 - 2 . I have a 10 - 100 . Request you get the coroner and Harris County started out here right away . " 10 - 100 means a " dead body . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 , " the radio crackled back . " Are you sure you want to make the call on the body , Andy ? I can have a paramedic and ambulance to you in no time . " Andy paused for a moment . I don 't know what he hoped to accomplish , but he told the dispatcher , " Okay . Do that . I guess it couldn 't hurt . " Maybe he wanted the kid to still have a chance . More than likely , he just didn 't want to be haunted by the " what - if " questions that follow emergency responders even when they do everything they possibly can . " What - ifs " are about as useful as wishful thinking , but they can sure be hard to shake in the middle of the night . Andy reached over and lightly stroked the boy 's head with his right hand , then stood to his feet . I think it was his way of telling Gabe goodbye . Once the paramedics and sheriff 's deputies showed up , he wouldn 't have another moment alone with the boy . Well , almost alone . The dad was still standing in the bedroom doorway . " No , not too long , " Andy replied as he let out a long sigh . Turning from the boy , he scanned the bedroom . Toys were scattered across the floor , along with a variety of clothes . Typical kid 's room . The sheets and blankets of both bunk beds were strewn about , which seemed odd if Gabe slept in the room by himself . " Did you stay in this room with your son , sir ? " If my old man wasn 't already about to pop , that smile put him over the edge . He couldn 't figure out how any father worth a dime could carry on a normal conversation right after his son died in his arms . " Which bed was your son sleeping in ? " Andy asked . He also wondered why such a small room had bunk beds if Gabe was the only child in the house . " I tucked him into the bottom bunk , but I guess he climbed up on top sometime during the night . You know how kids are . " That 's just it . Andy didn 't know how kids were , but he nodded his head as if he did and kept studying the father . About that time he heard the dispatcher notifying the local ambulance service , which back then was run by the volunteer fire department . " John , John Phillips . And you ? " he replied with a smile as he stuck out his hand . Andy refused it , using the blood on his hand as a convenient excuse . Funny . I 've never known anyone who shakes with his left hand . " Are you the same Andy Myers who took my boy to a ball game a few weeks ago ? " Andy nodded . " Oh , I have to tell you , my son never stopped talking about that game . He had the time of his life . Thank you for taking him . " Andy didn 't reply . The ball game felt like a lifetime ago . I guess in a way it was , because nothing was ever the same after my dad walked into that apartment . Nothing . Subscribe to Camille Elliot 's email newsletterQualify for contests and get info on my latest Regency romance novel . I only send out an email when I have a new release or a sale on one of my books . ( My contemporary romance and romantic suspense newsletter signup is below . ) * indicates requiredEmail Address * First Name Last Name Email Format html text Subscribe to Camy Tang 's email newsletterQualify for contests and get info on my latest contemporary romance or romantic suspense novel . I only send out an email when I have a new release or a sale on one of my books . * indicates requiredEmail Address * First Name Last Name Email Format html text About Me

A look at my daily life with twins . A place for friends and family to keep up with us . And hopefully some helpful advice for that new mom expecting multiples . The other day I had to go and change both babies and put them down for a nap . Since Alex is the clever fellow that learned how to open our makeshift gate I decided to take him down first . I got him downstairs only to discover a massive poopy diaper that was going to take a little time cleaning up . No worries , Calista was safe upstairs in the living room , all gated off , and I could hear her playing . I began my duty of cleaning up Alex 's dooty and at the end I happened to notice that it was quiet upstairs . Then I heard a strange noise . I grabbed up Alex and ran the bottom of the stairs half expecting to see Calista peering down at me , but she wasn 't there . So I ran back to put Alex back in his crib for safe keeping and hurried upstairs to get Calista . Imagine my panic when I got to the top of the stairs and found the gate open and no sign of Calista ! I raced through the upstairs looking for her when I heard a squeal of delight from the bathroom . She had chased Leo into the bathroom and had him cornered . When I got there Leo just gave me a terrified look as if to say , " Nobody told me those things were going to be mobile ! " . Lucky for me Leo lured her into the bathroom and not down the stairs . Our current protocol for taking care of one baby and leaving the other one upstairs is to put the remaining baby into the jump - a - roo for safe keeping . That is until our new gates arrive . After their nap and some lunch I took them on a quick adventure to the bank and then they both got haircuts at Lollilocks . I just love that place , they are so good with kids . Both babies did good getting the haircuts , although the stylist attempted to use the shaver on Alex to shape up his hair a bit . . . . I 'm afraid she might have pushed her luck on that one . He bawled for about 2 minutes until I picked him up out of the chair . Then he was all smiles and making his new sound Grandma taught him , ( running his finger over his lips making a bbbbbbbbb sound ) . My other issue I 'd like to touch on for this blog is socks . How in the world do you keep them on their feet ? If they aren 't taking their own socks off then they are pulling each other 's socks until they pop off . I bet I spend a good 1 / 3 of my day just putting socks back on little feet . You know the commercial with the guy that is dipping his son 's feet in the plaster so they are form fitting socks ? Well I 'm beginning to think he 's actually on to something . Today was a fairly low key day . I 'm trying them out on more and more solid foods . This morning they got a tray full of Cheerio 's and a jar of baby food bananas . For a snack they shared a yogurt before nap time and I learned the lesson of not trying to feed them something like yogurt without them being in a high chair . Calista 's hair was plastered to her head with yogurt , not to mention the yogurt bath I was taking with them smearing their mouths all over mommy 's sweats and shirt . When they got up from their nap and we finished up lunch I decided that a bath was in order . So I turned on Dinosaur Train for Alex to watch in his highchair while I whisked Calista away for a bath . I think I might have caught her off guard since she wasn 't quite as squirmy as usual . Most of the time it 's like trying to dress a grizzly bear in pajama 's with feet . Once she was done I put her in the jump - a - roo and got Alex all bathed . I did notice today that Alex 's rash from the Petechiae is starting to look really bad again . I 've got a phone call into the Dr . to see if they want to do a blood draw sooner to see where his platelet count is . Judging by the rash I 'd be really surprised if it was above 25 , 000 right now . The only other eventful thing that happened was yet another baby containment issue this evening . We have the downstairs set up with the play pen being used as a gate between the couch and the utility room closet . However the closet doors are not flush with the carpet so Calista has found that she can dig her little fingers into a seam in the cement and get out dirt to eat . So we took the vacuum to it and got it all cleaned out . Well tonight I found a little piece of cement in her mouth that had broken off from that seam , it was about half the size of a dime . . . plenty big enough to choke on . So we devised another barrier with my crafting table . I was able to slide it into the side of the utility closet so we can slide it back and forth to the couch . Now she can 't even get to the utility closet . . . . for a while at least . Every time we see her pushing on a gate or just staring at it we joke that she 's like the raptors in Jurrasic Park . " You can see she 's working the problem " . . . then when she breaks through the gate . . . " Clever Girl " . The worst part of motherhood for this blog is constantly putting socks back on their little feet . I want to give up and just let them play with the socks , but then they crawl over to me and their little feet are so cold . The sock battle must continue . The best part of motherhood for this blog is a tray full of Cheerio 's that they can feed themselves . Their independence is going to be a double edge sword I 'm sure . How will it be when they don 't need me anymore ? However , them doing things on their own is really a wonderful thing . For the Edwards household we measured a Year with a great birthday party for the cubs . Our little house was busting at the seams with friends and family . And one thing is for sure , those kids will not go without clothing or toys ! Everyone must really love them as much as we do . So it 's been quite a while since I 've written my blog . Life just got so busy I couldn 't keep up with the blogging , caring for twins and running the bead and jewelry store . But tonight my parents have graciously taken the cubs overnight , so I 'm burning the midnight oil and figured I 'd try to catch everyone up . I think the last time I wrote in here was July and so much has happened since then . Most recently Calista has started walking . . . or should I say running . I don 't think that girl is going to wait to learn how to walk . Tonight Ed and I spent a good deal of time looking at even MORE baby gates , ( we already have 2 ) , and trying to figure out how to gate off part of the house with stairs , kitty food and litter boxes , yet still make it accessible to the cats . I think we may have to buy these gates online with the pet doors because no where in Fort Collins did these exist ! Alex is walking with some assistance and he is a mad man crawling now . And that clever boy has learned how to open up the gate we have in the living room . Friday I ran downstairs for a moment to throw in a load of laundry and empty the diaper pail . As I came back to the foot of the stairs I heard a ' pat pat pat ' . . . the sound of little hands on the hardwood floors . Half way up the stairs I saw Alex staring back at my like , " Whatchya doin Mom ? " . Needless to say I dropped the bag of diapers and ran to get him from the top of the stairs ! Each of them have gotten in quite a few teeth , Alex currently has 6 and we think Calista is working on her 5th . We had a problem for a little while with biting , but I think we now have that under control . Although one day I was nothing more than a chew toy for every creature in this house I think . I was on the floor with a baby leaning on each side of me and biting me . Then when I went to bed our little cat Leo wasn 't getting enough attention so he tried to give me a little nibble . I 'd had enough by then and Leo went to the floor . ( Not for long though , he is a cat after all and they do go where they please ) . Medically we have been having a scare with Alex , but I hope ( fingers and toes crossed ) , that he is on the mend . He has a blood disorder called Petechiae . It started as a rash back in June / July and I assumed he just had an allergy to the new laundry soap I had bought . But after much research and the help of a wonderful Dr . from the Youth Clinic we found out it is this disorder of low platelet count . Our goal was to keep his count above 50 , 000 ( it 's generally supposed to be above 100 , 000 I think ) . At the worst time he was getting spontaneous nose bleeds and his count dropped to 13 , 000 . This finally resulted in a trip to a world renown hematologist at Children 's Hospital in Denver where they finally put him on a steroid and his numbers came up a little . We 're still battling this one and will have more results next week when he is completely weened off the steroid and another blood draw is done . The absolute scariest part of this was when the Dr . told me that he wanted to rule out Leukemia . He said that it was only a 5 % chance , but no mother wants to hear the word Cancer in any form when talking about her child . I remember that I found it hard to catch my breath after he said it and feeling like I could throw up right there in the office . However , the tests they ran on Alex at Children 's Hospital came back that it is absolutely NOT cancer . . . . so WHEW ! ! ! ! The cubs are sleeping through the night really well and on a good day they sleep in until almost 9 a . m . Every once in a while Calista will have a bad dream and wake up crying and I have to cuddle her back to sleep . I 'm usually still awake anyway so it 's actually a sweet time . Last night I heard her start to cry at around 10 : 30 so I shut down the TV and set my beading project aside . I don 't know what scares that little girl in her bad dreams , but her face is soaked with tears and her arms go up as soon as she sees me for me to pick her up . So I pick her up and we go over to the rocking chair in their bedroom . I rock her back and forth and rub her back and stroke her hair . She in turn lays her head on my shoulder and started to snuggle in , but then pulled herself back for a moment to look me in the face and smile at me . I don 't know if that smile is a ' Mom I 'm glad you 're here to hold me ' or a ' Ha Ha . . . Made you come in and hold me ' . Either way it 's sweet . I rocked her for about a half an hour until I felt her go limp and I knew she fell back to sleep , all the while listening Alex 's steady breathing rhythm . It was one of those nights that I just could have stayed in there forever holding her , but I knew sooner or later I 'd fall asleep and probably drop the little girl . So I put her in her crib and went off to bed myself . The worst part of motherhood for this blog would have to be hearing the word cancer when a Dr . is talking about your child . Ever since this day I really take to heart those St . Jude commercials to give thanks for the healthy children in your life . Even with Alex 's illness , we are still so extremely lucky our kids are relatively healthy and my heart just aches for those strong parents that have a child with a terminal illness . The best part of motherhood for this blog would have to be the silent nights . And that doesn 't mean the nights they sleep all the way through without waking us up ( although don 't get me wrong , those are nice too ) . These are the nights when I can sit in the nursery with them when they are both asleep and I can just watch them . They 'll never know until they have kids of their own how happy it makes me to just watch them sleep . The cubs slept in until almost 9 a . m . today ! And Mommy was right there with them snoozing away . I guess we all needed it after a restless night . I went to bed around midnight , then they were up being restless around 3 a . m . and I changed Alex . Then they were up at 6 a . m . for a feeding , but went back to sleep directly afterward . By the time they were waking up at 9 a . m . Alex was laying in his crib just a chattering away . He 's trying so hard to form words , he almost has his Mmmmm sound down so I 'm hoping he will spit out a momma here soon . He was chattering so much that as I was changing Calista on the changing table she was craning her neck around to watch him and listen to what he had to say . Could be that twin talk starting up , in which case they are already ganging up on me and Ed . Although I love being able to sleep in like that , we did have a busy day ahead of us . We were going to meet Daddy and Grandma Edwards for lunch . So that meant I had to get them fed , bathed and dressed in an hour and a half . Not to mention making sure I have baby food and a diaper bag packed . But when you 've packed them up this many times you become somewhat of a pro at it and I ended up with a little time to spare . We had lunch at Cafe Athens and it was really nice . My real reason for wanting to take them out for lunch was to show off the new matching outfits I had made them . These were the Fourth of July outfits that ended up being finished on the Fifth of July instead . Hopefully they can wear them for the rest of the summer before they outgrow them . After lunch we got home , I unloaded the cubs fed them a bottle and they went down for a nap . I was feeling so tired from getting 3 hour stretches of sleep overnight that Ed suggested I lay down as well . Right now it 's hard for me to lay down or work on a ' fun ' project . We 've been cleaning out Ed 's mom 's house to get it ready for sale which means we have things piled everywhere in this house . I needed to find them homes and try to get organized before I could really rest . I did get my old dresser cleaned out and all of my clothing put into my ' new ' dresser . After that I tried to take a little nap . I managed to close my eyes for about 20 minutes and then Calista woke up . We went through our normal routine , dinner for the cubs around 4 p . m . . I gave Ed some chores to do around the house when he got home , after he was done with those the two of us had some dinner . Then off to the nice cool basement with a couple of bottles for the babies . Now this is where the ' Excitable Boy ' comes in . I few days ago I bought them sippy cups with the handles on them . Well I think something clicked with Alex holding that and realizing that if he would just hold his own bottle he could control the food coming to his mouth . Tonight he grabbed hold of his bottle with both hands and then got so excited that he was kicking and flailing his arms about so much that he couldn 't keep the nipple in his mouth . In the end I did have to keep one finger on the bottle to keep it tilted in just the right direction for him to get the formula out . But all in all , he did a really good job holding it himself . The worst part of motherhood for today was the babies waking up every 3 hours overnight . Just when you think you 've got that sleeping thing down , they have a restless night and you find yourself tired and unprepared for it . ( Especially if you stay up until midnight like a dummy ) . First I 'd like to wish everyone a safe and happy 4th weekend . We were very low key here for the fourth of July . The cubs were in bed by 8 : 15 and Ed followed them directly after by being in bed by 8 : 30 himself . This left me up alone until midnight working on the matching Fourth of July outfits that wouldn 't be completed until July 5th . Oh well , I guess they can still wear them and look cute . I 'll see if I can get some pictures of them in these outfits for my next blog . So our week in review ! Tuesday we saw the emergence of 2 teeth in Calista 's mouth . The two bottom teeth just sort of appeared out of now where . We learned a game of peek a boo with either baby can cause buckets of squealing laughter that has a tendency to get adults laughing just as hard if not harder . This week also found them almost sitting up by themselves . I can set them down on the floor between my legs and they need little or no support from me and are able to keep themselves upright . The crawling / scooting is also coming along . So much so that Ed and I now have our baby gates and are all ready for the big crawling moment . Thursday ended up being my day out and I went to go see The A - Team with Mom and Dad . It was the 2nd time I 'd seen it and the first for them . I think they enjoyed it and it was better than I expected . In fact it 's one I 'll be putting on my Blu Ray wish list when it comes out . Friday was a shopping adventure with Mom and the cubs . We were up , fed , bathed , dressed and out the door by about 9 a . m . Not to bad for twins if I do say so myself . We stopped at the bank then went for some Mom juice ( a . k . a Starbucks ) , but there was a line for the drive thru clear out to the curb . . . . so I had to go caffeine free ( a fate worse than death ! ) . Then we met Mom and JoAnn Fabrics . They had their McCall patterns on sale for $ . 99 and I 'm really starting to have a love / hate relationship with my sewing machine . I love to try these new patterns , but I hate it when I can 't get them right . But I keep practicing and reminding myself that when all my friends in high school were in Home Ec . I was in Auto Shop . I think it was probably easier to learn this stuff at a younger age . Anyway , we toodled around JoAnn 's for quite a while and then took the stroller through the shopping mall there in Loveland . We stopped at a couple of clothing stores , Ross and Marshalls where I found some really cute bath toys for the kids . Both of them are getting really grabby in the tub , so some bath toys were in order . These are little sea animals that squirt water when filled up . The kids hands are not quite big enough to go around them or squeeze water out , but they sure do love looking and grabbing at them while in the tub . By now it 's noon and I was starting to get hungry , so Mom and I decided to head over to Panera for lunch . Since I hadn 't expected to be out that long I hadn 't packed any baby food for the kids , whoops ! However , Panera sold some Yogurt in a tube and Mom and I , each holding a baby on our lap , squeezed yogurt into their mouths . I had Alex and I think he wore more than actually made it into his tummy . We each tried our soup on them as well , they didn 't care too much for Mom 's tortilla soup , but my Clam Chowder was a huge hit . They also had a taste of a yogurt smoothie in both Black Cherry and Mango flavor which they liked . Luckily I did have a change of clothes for Alex since he was not just damp from food spillage , but the kid was actually gooey from head to toe ! Calista was a little cleaner so she got to stay in her outfit . The best part of motherhood for this blog is the hilarious game of peak a boo we played with the kids this week and how hard it got them both laughing . If I can I 'll get the video posted on Facebook to share with you all . Should bring a smile to your face . So a quick run down of what has happened since my last blog is in order . Calista is so ready to crawl ! She has that butt up in the air and almost made it today . Yesterday she managed to crawl backwards for her daddy . It 's time to baby proof the house , we have our baby gates all ready to cage them in . Now we just have to go after things like light sockets , power cords and other delightful objects at floor level . Calista has also gotten very grabby . If it 's within her reach she has it in her hands , and what a grip that little girl has ! Jessica found out the hard way last week when she left a container of baby food within Calista 's reach on the highchair table . All I heard in the office was an " OH NO Calista ! " . Later I found out that Calista had grabbed the container and dumped it all over the tray . Lucky for me I was able to learn from Jessica 's mistake and I don 't let any baby food close to Calista 's reach . Friday we took a trip to Costco for our monthly supply of 424 diapers . ( Yes , that is the amount of diapers that we go through in a month . However it does not count the diapers that they use when they visit Grandma and Grandpaw , so it 's probably a little higher ) . Walking through Costco Calista had a fascination with my Starbucks and was very grabby about the cup . Just like her momma . . . brought a little tear to my eye . By the time we left she had chocolate all over her face . Other events that happened this week was an overnight stay at Grandma and Grandpaw 's house on Saturday so that Ed and I could go out for our anniversary . We had a couple of massages and went out to dinner . We were going to see a movie , but neither of us were very enthused about what was playing so we just came home and watched our Netflix . It 's so bittersweet when they go to their grandparents house for the night . On one hand we love the sleep and time to ourselves . On the other hand , I found myself looking at empty cribs and missing my cubs . Sunday they came home and mommy and daddy were thrilled to see them . We got them changed and went directly to the park to swing for a little while . They were both pretty tired so we didn 't stay too long . And that brings us to today and the story behind the title of this particular blog . We had a great day today . Calista woke up around 7 a . m . , had some breakfast . Then Alex woke up at around 8 a . m . and I found again that he had pee 'd through everything . The whole front of him was soaked and he smelled of urine . So I striped him down , wiped him off with a wipe and put him in a onsie for the time being . Then he had some breakfast . After breakfast I was downstairs stripping down his bed , mattress pad included , and throwing it into the wash . This is the 2nd time he 's done this and I 'd had enough . So after bath time we were on our way to Target for 2 back up mattress pads and some night time diapers . Back home they had a little lunch , a bottle and then took a nice nap for me . When they woke up they had a bottle and we played on the floor with some new books I bought them at Target . Calista can grab it and turn the pages by herself . . . Alex just tries to eat them . When Ed got home we had our dinner and he went in to clean up the kitchen and make formula while I played with the cubs . They just love it when I lay down in between their play mats , they can grab at my face and I can tickle them . But I just had to take it a step further today . I got a hold of Calista and laid her on my tummy so we were tummy to tummy . She smiled and giggled , raised herself up on her arms as if to crawl and then BLAM ! A white flood covered my face . Puke in my eyes , up my nose and all over my mouth . I 'm attempting to yell at Ed without opening my mouth , which ended up sounding a bit like a person yelling with a mouthful of peanut butter . Ed came running in thinking someone was hurt and all I could say was ' Get me a rag ' . He got Calista off of me , ( who by the way was all grins after this ) , and proceeded to blow mass amounts of baby puke out of my nose . Kitchen now cleaned and time to go downstairs for the night . I decided to take Alex . . . ( can you blame me ? ) . Once downstairs Alex and I are in the big blue chair sitting face to face practicing our A 's and O 's along with our new game , ' Nose / Toes ' where I point to his nose and then his toes repeating Nose and Toes . We are both very low key , but out of no where he pukes all over my . Yep , Ed is on the couch with Calista laughing at me . We got them both changed into pj 's for the night , this time I took Calista back with me . Ed had Alex on the couch tickling him and making him giggle so loud I was cracking up at it . Then Alex puked on the couch , then proceeded to laugh immediately afterwards . This morning started out with Calista waking up first . They both wake up so happy these days , when they lift their heads up from the crib and spot you , you get the most wonderful toothless smile . I changed Calista and gathered her bath items , bibs and clean burp cloths and headed upstairs for our breakfast . This morning I decided to try the Peaches and Rice Cereal on them . For the life of me I don 't understand it , while I was pregnant me big craving was peaches . We couldn 't keep enough of them in the house ! But this little girl wants nothing to do with them . She took a little taste and wrinkled her nose right up at those peaches . Before I could decide what to feed her next I heard Alex on the monitor , so I went downstairs and gathered him up with bath items as well . Now Alex ate his peaches and rice cereal . He wasn 't his usual ' shark ' about eating them , but he ate them . I dug out a jar of banana 's for Calista and she gobbled them right up . After breakfast it was bath time . Since Calista is rolling all over the place these days the only way I can do bath time by myself is to leave her in her highchair or put her in the play pen downstairs while I bath Alex . I gave Alex a quick bath and got him dressed in his shark shirt . But before I could get a picture snapped of him in it he puked peaches up all over it . Then he went down on his play mat in the living room while I grabbed Calista , striped her down and gave her a bath which she really enjoyed . Then we were all off and running . First stop was mother 's little helper , my friend Starbucks for a nice big cup of ' Go Juice ' . Then off to Grandma and Grandpa 's to say good bye to their English friends Mac and Nicol , pick up some patterns that I had left there and see if we could get one of them to go with us to the grocery store to pick up baby food . At Grandma and Grandpa 's they had a quick lunch of green beans on the patio outside . I 'm not sure how it happened , but I think Calista got a little sunburn on her face , just on one side of course . She 's not screaming about it , so it must not be too bad . After lunch we loaded the kids up in the car and I followed Mom and Nicol the King Soopers in Loveland , where they apparently have an IQ requirement of below 50 to work there . I was already in a rush since it was 12 : 30 and Jessica was supposed to be at the house by 1 p . m . to work in at DJBeads . I left a message on her cell phone that I would be late and started on the power shop . We had three carts for this little adventure . Mom had one with no one in it , Nicol had one with Calista in it and I had one with Alex in it and mountains of baby food . Once up at the checkout stand though I noticed that my carton of milk was leaking all over my bags . So when I reached the cashier I told her I needed a new milk , she then handed it to the bag boy , Micah who proceeded to argue with me that the milk was not leaking . I told him that my bags where the milk was sitting were all wet with a white liquid so it must be the milk . And off he went with the leaking milk . About this time I find out that Calista is throwing a fit on the other side of the store with Mom and Nicol , so I tell the checker that I 'm in a hurry and to just forget the milk . She says Micah will be back in a minute with it , so we wait . I tell her again after a few minutes that I really have to go and to forget the milk and she says , ' Oh wait there he is ' . I looked over and if this guy was moving any slower he would 've been walking backwards ! And to top it off , he has no carton of milk in his hands . ARGH ! ! ! I just want to give this woman my money and walk out the door with my groceries , is that too much to ask ? Finally rung out I get to the parking lot with the three carts , Mom and Nicol and my groceries . We get Calista in the car and when I go to the other side to put Alex in the jerk parked next to me parked so close that I can 't even get my car door open . So I have to back my car up into the middle of the isle , park it and go and put Alex in . I don 't know what I would 've done if Mom and Nicol hadn 't been there to watch Alex while I moved the car . For all you childless people out there , or those that have children older and don 't remember , this is my plea . If you 're parking next to a car and you see the car seat bases in the back seat . . . please remember to give us enough room to get that huge car seat in through our door . If you don 't I can 't promise you won 't come back to a vehicle side full of dents . Finally done with our adventure and heading home . I get in the door and Jessica is back in the office working away on 6 , 000 4mm Aqua Pearls . . . bless her nimble little fingers ! I raced through the house changing diapers and getting 2 bottles ready . Alex got fed first and I figured he would be really tired , but I put him in his crib and he just talked to the walls all afternoon . Calista got fed and you could see she was really drowsy , so she moaned a little in her sleep , but ended up sleeping almost 4 hours ! Alex on the other hand just wouldn 't go to sleep . I came upstairs to put our new Variety Packs together to ship out and just kept hearing the talking mixed with fussing . I ended up going downstairs and got on my knees next to Alex 's crib and just patted him on his behind and rubbed his back for at least a 1 / 2 hour . Only when I heard snoring did I feel ok to leave and go back to work . But he only slept for about an hour . Once he was up I gathered him up to go to the post office , Ed got home and took over listening for Calista and Jessica finished up the pearls . Everyone had a job to do . At the post office Kari got to see Alex for the first time in about 3 months . She came out from behind the counter to hold him . He sent her home with a little reminder of himself with some slobber on her postal uniform . Back home after that , Ed fed Alex while I wrapped things up in the office with Jessica . We made our dinner and ate all while Calista slept away . When she did finally wake up we fed her and made it downstairs by 8 p . m . I had Calista tonight and she thought it was a ton of fun to yank at my hair . She was standing up on my lap facing me and proceeded to grab at my hair and pull back as if she were throwing handfuls of confetti . Once he went to bed I have the house to myself and worked on a little bit of sewing . I 'm making a romper outfit for Calista that is pink with butterfly 's all over it . At this point I have the piece all put together , it 's just the finishing touches , ( i . e . hemming that I really suck at by the way ) , that is left to do . Jessica came to babysit today which meant that I got to get some work done in the office as well as get out for a little while this afternoon . I spent a luxurious day getting a mani / pedi then went to see the latest Shrek movie . ( Which I can say still wasn 't as good and 1 or 2 , but better than 3 by a long shot ! ) . On their 6 month well baby check up Dr . Hansen bumped Alex 's Previcid up to 5 ml 's per day . His current prescription is for 3 ml 's per day and had no refills on it . To top that off , for some reason all of a sudden the insurance company decided they don 't want to pay for it anymore . No reason , just denied . My mission was to first yell at the Dr . 's office since for two weeks I 've been calling them asking to call in the new prescription for 5 ml 's which they still haven 't done . Next was to do battle with the insurance company on why they aren 't paying for it anymore . I never made it to the insurance company phone call . I spent probably an hour between the pharmacy and the pediatricians office just trying to get the new prescription of 5 ml 's in place . Turns out our Dr . Hansen dropped the ball on this one . He wrote on the sheet he gave us with Alex 's height , weight , etc . that he was to take 5 ml 's per day , but never changed it on Alex 's chart from 3 to 5 . So the Dr . 's office told me to go to the pharmacy and have them call the Dr . 's office and then they could get it straightened out . Of course it didn 't dawn on me until after I hung up that I would have to then fight this battle in a public arena at my local King Soopers with two babies in tow . Not to mention what a pain it will be to get them all packed up in the stroller just to go in there and do someone elses job so my son can have the medicine he needs . Also , at this point we are just going to pay for it out of pocket , ( which I 'm sure is exactly what insurance company 's hope for ) . So there will be more on this topic and whether I 've won or lost my battle . I did get a large shipment of beads in today for the upcoming Mellow Yellow Variety Pack . Realizing that I probably should have stayed home and worked on that instead of going out and playing I decided to ask Jessica if she wanted to do some work in the bead store for me tomorrow . Once she said yes I once again felt a big weight off of me and sat down for 20 minutes to make some earrings . Ahhhhh , that time is just the best ! Ed got home at 4 : 30 and Jessica took off . Ed and I ate a quick dinner and fed the cubs , who by the way are now on stage 2 baby foods and LOVING IT ! The past 3 days or so Alex has started making a weird sound when we feed him and he lunges for the spoon of food . We say it 's like feeding a baby shark . . . lol . Once dinner was done Ed got the stroller out of the trunk , we put on our walking shoes and went for their first trip to the park . The Main Park in Windsor is really well kept with a lot of outdoor toys for kids , and when I drove by it yesterday I saw that it had those swings for babies with the holes for the legs to come through . Our walk was only about 20 minutes to get there and it was a little on the warm side , but not blistering hot . Alex was a little on the sleepy side so I took him directly to the swing to see how he liked it . Turns out the swing didn 't wake him up too much . He just swung back and forth looking at the ground the entire time . Calista on the other hand loved her swing ride . Every time she came at me I 'd grab her swing and hold her for a second , then let her swing backwards . The result was adorable baby giggles . Alex had enough by now though so him and daddy sat in the swing next to us for a little while , then went to that nice patch of grass he had found earlier . We gave them their final bottle at 8 : 30 at which time Alex fell right to sleep on me . He was so snugly , I really didn 't want to put him in his crib tonight . Calista was awake , but she seems to be easier than Alex to get to sleep when it 's bed time . You can lay her in her crib and she 'll talk for a little while , but then she goes to sleep within 15 minutes I 'd say . With both babies asleep it was time to tackle that mountain of laundry that needed folding , ( another thing I probably should have done today instead of playing ) . Knowing that Ed would want to go to bed at 9 pm sharp , I asked him to help fold clothes for the next 10 minutes until he went to bed . We both started working on the laundry basket when he decided to move all the clothing over to one side so he could sit down . When I asked him what he was doing he told me why stand up when I can do it sitting down . We were almost to the bottom of the laundry basket and I told him that there was still another load in the dryer and could he please go get that out , which he did . About 7 minutes had gone by since we started our laundry adventure when Ed says , " Isn 't it time we take a break ? " . What could I do but stare at him in disbelief and say , " I am always amazed that you have held a job for as long as you have " . He was kidding of course and so was I . I just thought it was a funny story I would share . The worst part of motherhood for today is trying to get medication for your baby that you know they need and running into brick walls left and right . Makes me just want to scream , " He 's a baby and he won 't feel good unless he has this ! Why are you not making this a high priority that he get his medicine ! ! ! " . The best part of motherhood for today . . . well I have two actually , one for each baby . The first was our trip to the park and listening to Calista giggle on the swing . There is nothing more healing than a babies giggle in my book . The second is a warm snugly Alex asleep on my shoulder . I didn 't even mind the snoring in my ear , ( which I 'm just sure he gets from his daddy . . . lol ) .

15 days until we go to see our sweet Angel ! I 'm so jealous that CJ is going next week and she will be there for Angel 's birthday . I am so sad that we won 't be able to be there for her birthday . Last year it was such a wonderful experience to be there to see her happy , excited face as she opened all her presents . We weren 't able to go as early this year because my school doesn 't get out for Christmas break until the 19th . We are going to fly out on Christmas night and arrive back home on New Years night . My hubby , me , and our youngest girls , and maybe my hubby 's dad are going together . Last year the whole family ( 8 loud and annoying people ) went and invaded the poor Awesomes for a week . This year they won 't have to put up with so many of us . I wish we could all go together again though , but I realize that 's not always going to be possible . For Christmas I bought Angel an American Girl doll that looks so much like her ! Her amazing adoptive mom is making her a doll bunk bed out of wood . Mrs . Awesome learned carpentry from her dad , and has made several beautiful pieces of furniture for their home . I am excited to see Angel open her doll , and see her put her to " sleep " in her new bunk beds . I can 't wait to play with her and hold her and talk to her and laugh with her . I want to climb on that plane right now . I think I can stand it another 2 weeks though . It had been 6 months since I had seen her , but we had kept in touch with The Awesomes by phone , text , skype and the blog they posted pictures on for us . The Awesomes decided to come to our state , where much of their family lives , to celebrate her birthday . That was just perfect for us ! Of course , I was beyond excited to see her . She was now walking , and starting to talk a little . Time goes by even faster when you don 't see a little one very often . They change so much in that time you 're apart . I so wish she lived closer so I could watch the changes happen in her life . I really wish I could watch her grow up . On the night of her birthday , The Awesomes had a big party for both sides of their family , and they invited us to come . They had it at a place that was filled with blow - up slides and jumping houses and other blow - up toys . There was a party room for everyone to meet in . There were a lot of people there . We didn 't get to spend much time with Angel , because she was so distracted by everyone wanting to play with her and hold her , and by all the blow - up toys , gifts , cake , etc . The next night we had them come to our house for a private little party with our family and some extended relatives . We had dinner and spent the rest of the night enjoying Angel and laughing a lot . It was great to have some personal time . That night they spent the night at our house . It was comforting to have them under our roof . In the morning we all went to church . I wanted to show off my sweet granddaughter and her wonderful adoptive parents . I wanted to share them with everyone I knew ! Now that it had been a year , we were all used to the idea of how things were . People were always asking me how CJ was doing . Was she sad ? Was it hard for her ? I would tell them that yes , I 'm sure she is sad sometimes , and yes , it is hard for her sometimes , but that she is really okay . She was , and is , at peace with her decision . She loves The Awesomes and trusts them completely , and knows they are raising her daughter with much love and patience . She knows she did the right thing . Six months after placement , The Awesomes went to court in their state to made the adoption final . You might think that it would have been a sad day for our family , losing our little one , but we didn 't feel as if we were losing her . We knew she was where she should be , so finalizing it was actually a relief . After the court finalized the adoption , it was time to seal it all with our Heavenly Father . In the LDS church , we believe that families are sealed together for eternity in our temples . The Awesomes came with Angel to our state to attend the temple , and have her sealed to their family . We were so glad that they came here to do it ! My husband and I were able to attend the temple ceremony , and Mrs . Awesome gave me the privilege of taking a small part in it . It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful , spiritual day , confirming to me that this was where my granddaughter was always supposed to go , and this was the family who was supposed to raise her . My whole family gathered outside the temple to take pictures together . One of the pictures of our family now hangs in my living room , with the words " Families are Forever " above it . Even though Angel is with another family , I know that our family will be blessed by our Heavenly Father because of the sacrifices and the decisions we made . I truly believe that Angel will always be a part of our family 's life , here , and in the hereafter . That weekend was one of the best of my life . There was so much joy and happiness for me . Everything felt so right and so perfect . That weekend completely changed everything . Even though I had felt good about everything so far , now I was completely content and happy with the adoption , and with the life that lay ahead for our family . I was totally at peace . Life sort of when back to normal after placement . Our family took a vacation to Florida for Christmas , just 10 days after CJ gave birth . I had had it planned since before I knew about the pregnancy , and I was determined to still take our family and go . Even more so , now that we all needed time to heal . I thought it would take CJ 's mind off things , too . I was worried she wasn 't going to be up to it physically , but she ended up doing fine . We had a great time in Florida ! It was just what we all needed . CJ felt pretty good . We all enjoyed a little 2 - day cruise , snorkeling , eating great food and laying on a beach . Back in Florida after the cruise , we stayed at little motel that had it 's own private beach . I came home feeling better about life and still feeling good about the adoption . In February , my hubby had an opportunity to go to the large city about an hour and a half from The Awesomes and our little sweetie . I decided to go with him so I could visit Angel . The Awesomes invited us to stay right at their house . Hubby would actually be staying in the city for a while , so I would be going to stay with the family for the first 2 days . I was very excited to go , but I was also feeling apprehensive and a little awkward about staying with them . We didn 't know each other on that level quite yet , so I wasn 't sure how it was going to feel . When we flew in , Mrs . Awesome brought Angel and came to pick me up . She went to dinner with my hubby and I . It was so great to see our little Angel ! She was two months old now , and we had seen lots of pictures from their blog , but she had grown and changed so much ! Mrs . Awesome , Angel , and I drove to their house after dinner . The next two days were so great ! The awkwardness wore off pretty quick , and it just felt like I was with family . Mrs . Awesome had school , so I got to take care of Angel for most of the day . I fed her and changed her and rocked her to sleep . I got to see her smile at me . I got to comfort her when she cried . I was starting to feel like a grandma ! It was the best feeling in the world ! Mr . Awesome was there with me , so I was able to get to know him better . On the evening of the second day my hubby drove to their house in a freak snow storm ( very unusual for their area ) . He was completely exhausted when he got there . He was sitting at their table , and fell asleep with Angel asleep in his arms . It 's a memory I 'll never forget . The week after our visit , The Awesomes flew CJ in for a visit . If we had any doubt that they were serious about an open adoption , we now had no reason to doubt . They were committed to letting us be a part of Angel 's life , and their lives . What a miracle . How blessed we are to have found them . December 2009 : Post - placement CJ shared this on Facebook . She found it on an Open Adoption support page . CJ commented that it was " perfectly worded " . I believe this is exactly how my daughter felt after placement , and still feels today : After the placement , we were all a little dazed , and emotionally exhausted . The Awesomes stayed in our state for a few days , and they were happy to let CJ , and any of our family , see Angel . Two days after placement Hubby and I drove with CJ the 30 minutes to where they were staying at a family member 's house . When we got there Mrs . Awesome was very happy to let us hold Angel and she encouraged CJ to change her and even give her a bath . She didn 't seem to be a bit bothered . What an amazing lady ! I was worried for CJ though , that this was going to make it harder on her when they took Angel home and she couldn 't see her very often . CJ knew this , but still wanted to see her . The Awesomes were going to drive home . About the same time , our family was leaving to drive four hours to see my mother - in - law , who had recently had a stroke . We asked them if they would consider going out of their way , to come to where my MIL was in a rehab center , and let her and my FIL see and meet Angel . They were so sweet to agree to do that . CJ rode with them in their car on the way down , taking care of Angel in the back seat . When we got to the rehab center , it was a very tender scene . One I 'll never forget . My MIL had lost her ability to speak , because of the stroke . She had been pretty non - responsive until we showed up with the baby , then she became alert and kept touching her and stroking her hair and staring at her . She was even able to hold her . She couldn 't speak her feelings , but we could all read them . All of our hearts were touched . My FIL was thrilled to meet Angel , too . My MIL passed away 2 1 / 2 months later . We were so happy that she got to see her great - granddaughter before she died . I am so grateful to The Awesomes for being willing to go out of their way , and add an extra day or more to their trip , to make that possible . The Awesomes spent the night with us at the little house we were staying in . The next day they were supposed to leave early in the day , but they ended up staying so that CJ could take Angel to visit some of hPosted by The baby was finally here ! The Awesomes chose a wonderful name for our little sweetie , but here I 'll just call her Angel , because that 's what she is . They moved CJ out of the labor / delivery room and into a patient room on the maternity floor . I was able to go with CJ into the nursery to watch them bathe Angel . She didn 't like the whole thing very much , though . When she was done she was so cute in her new little sleeper , with a pink polka dot bow in her hair . It was now well after midnight , and we were all exhausted , especially CJ . She had opted to have the baby in her room instead of the nursery , so that she could spend as much time with Angel as possible . I slept in her room on a pull - out sofa bed . During the night , CJ got up with Angel and fed her , changed her and rocked her . I don 't know how she managed it right after giving birth , but she was determined to do it . I slept through much of it . The next two days , everybody started showing up to see Angel . My hubby and kids spent as much time at the hospital as they could . The Awesomes came for a while , too , but they were great to give CJ this time with Angel . A lot of relatives and friends came by on that day and the next . It was a big celebration ! It was so fun to share this time with everyone I loved . We appreciated having so much support from our friends and family . Even though the placement wouldn 't happen for 48 hours , the papers were to be signed in the afternoon of the second day . Case workers from the adoption agency showed up with all the paperwork and sat down with CJ to read everything to her , word for word , and ask her if she understood everything . My hubby and I were in her room while they were reading all the documents to her . I was sitting in a rocker holding Angel , who was cuddled up and asleep on my shoulder . As they read the harsh words in the documents , about relinquishing all rights forever , I started to cry as I held my sweet granddaughter and rubbed her back . It all sounded so final . And so scary . But CJ was so brave . She didn 't even hesitatAs soon as we were done with pictures , the caseworker told CJ and me that we needed to pack up all of our stuff , and get it out of the room , immediately ! She told us to put it all out into the hall . The nurses were in no hurry to get us out , but the caseworker made it sound like we had to pack it all up the get it out . So we hauled our suitcases , gifts , etc . out into the hallway of the hospital , then the whole family sat out there on the floor ! It was so annoying , and I 'm not sure why it even had to happen . I think the caseworker just wanted to make things more miserable , because she was mad . CJ went back into the room with The Awesomes , and they spent probably a half hour or more in private , talking . CJ was struggling with her emotions , but The Awesomes were so patient with her ! They were willing to spend as much time as was needed to make sure CJ was okay . Finally , it was time to do the placement . Time to hand our baby girl over to her new parents , to her new family . There were a lot of tears . I wasn 't in the room when CJ physically handed her over to Mr . and Mrs . Awesome , but my hubby was , and he took some pretty powerful pictures . The rest of our family was in the hallway , doing plenty of crying . It was very emotional . By the time it was over , we were all completely drained . It was hard to get in the car and go home , back to our normal lives , after all we had just experienced . Even though it was painful , I knew it was right . I knew that Angel was supposed to go home with The Awesomes . There was still no doubt of that . It was just hard to physically let go . I drove home that night feeling sad , but also content . Weird , I know . The content part of me was glad that this long - anticipated , and long - dreaded , night was over , and we had survived it . But , also , I was content in the idea that we had done the right thing , even though it was the hardest thing our family had ever been through . As CJ got into her last 4 weeks of pregnancy , when doctor visits start happening once a week , the doctor started telling her she was already dilating and effacing , so he thought she was going to go into labor way before her due date . About Thanksgiving , he told her it could happen anytime . I didn 't know how to feel ! I was excited , but scared . I felt anticipation , but also dread . I couldn 't wait to see my cute little granddaughter , but I was so scared for the adoption placement , and also for CJ and the delivery . CJ told me she was feeling a lot of the same feelings . There was a lot of conflict going on inside . My past fear and dread had now returned . We still knew that the adoption plan was right , and the couple was right . We were just scared for how we were going to feel placing the baby in their arms and walking away . I am a teacher , and since the doctor was saying it could happen in second , I was worried that I might have to get a substitute at a moment 's notice . I knew that I was going to be there with CJ from the moment she went into labor . Every day , from Thanksgiving on , I wrote a 4 - day sub plan before I left work for the day , and left the plan on my desk , just in case . The next day I would be back at work , and I 'd do it all over again at the end of that day . Sub plans are a pain in the you - know - where to write , but I wanted to be ready . I was basically CJ 's labor coach and head cheerleader . I knew that CJ was going to take the whole 48 hours allowed after delivery , before placement . She wanted to be able to spend every possible second in the hospital with her baby before she let her go to The Awesomes . I was going to stay at the hospital with her for those 2 days after the birth . She wanted me there , and I definitely wanted to be there . Days went by , then weeks . CJ was in school , so she kept going to school every day , and telling her teachers that she might not be able to finish some of the classes before the end of the term , if she did go into labor early . Christmas break got closer , and no baby yet . I wokMr . and Mrs . Awesome were prepared to come early if they needed to , but they were planning to drive out and arrive on the 15th . We were surprised when the 15th came and the baby still hadn 't arrived . Mine and CJ 's Christmas break from school started that day , so she did get to finish her school term and take her final after all . Mr . and Mrs . Awesome arrived , and came to see CJ at our house . Mrs . Awesome had worked with pregnant women in her profession , and knew some pressure points she could press on CJ that might help her go into labor sooner . CJ was reluctant , but she finally let Mrs . Awesome do some pressure points on her . She had been having a little stronger and more frequent contractions for the last day or two , and the pressure point procedure made that a little worse , but still nothing significant . I had her walk around the house a little , but it didn 't seem to get anything started . She had a harder time sleeping that night though . The next day CJ had plans to go lunch with her friend . I was home when CJ got home from her lunch . She said she was having some contractions , so I told her to walk around and maybe walk up and down the stairs a few times . She barely made it down the stairs one time , when her water broke ! She wasn 't sure that 's what it was at first , but finally decided it was . We immediately called the doctor , then got in the car and headed for the hospital . It was finally happening ! CJ didn 't call Mr . and Mrs . Awesome until we saw a nurse who confirmed that her water had broken and told her they were going to admit her . They got her into a labor / delivery room and got her settled . My oldest daughter and my Hubby showed up soon after . The Awesomes came into the room a few times to talk to CJ while she was in labor . CJ had decided not to have them in the room for the delivery , so they came and went , and waited in the waiting room . The contractions were getting more painful , so they came in to give her her epidural . They had a hard time getting it in , and it really hurt her a lot . It was really harWhile CJ delivered the placenta , they put my screaming new granddaughter on her momma 's belly . CJ was really freaked out by that . The baby was all gooey and slimy , and her head was all cone - shaped from being in the birth canal so long . Her screaming lips were huge , too . I kept telling CJ to reach out and touch her , but she wouldn 't . She later said she thought she 'd given birth to an alien baby ! She did kinda looked like it . But she was still the most amazing thing I 'd seen since my own kids were born . Actually she was even more amazing , because she came out of one my children ! That was a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around , even though I had seen it happen . It still is sometimes . After they got her cleaned up , and wrapped in the special blanket we brought ( one that CJ would keep ) they brought her over for CJ to hold . This time she wasn 't freaked out . It was such a beautiful moment . We all got to hold her and take pictures with her . It was a close , intimate time for our family to bond with this new life that had just been born . Finally , my hubby went out to get Mr . and Mrs . Awesome . When they came in , and took their new baby in their arms for the first time , it was a phenomenal moment to watch . I had tears in my eyes . The picture we took of them both gazing at her with so much love , solidified my knowledge that this was the right couple , and adoption was right for my granddaughter . I knew they would love her and take good care of her , forever and ever . Posted by Now that the couple was chosen , everything was going great ! I was on an emotional and spiritual high for a while . I think we all were . We were happy , and felt like a huge burden had been lifted . CJ was relieved that she knew where her baby was going to go , and she felt that it was right . Mr . and Mrs . Awesome called and / or texted CJ everyday . At the time , I thought it was great that they wanted to get to know her , and keep in touch . I never even thought about how Mr . and Mrs . Awesome might be feeling . I didn 't realize that they might be scared or worried about her changing her mind . I didn 't think about the fact that they might have had some potential adoptions fall through in the past , which caused them much pain , and could have made them a little gun - shy . To us , it was a done - deal from the night CJ announced to them . While CJ was attending her group therapy sessions at the adoption agency , I had been attending a birth - grandma group there , too . That group helped me so much in coping when I was so conflicted and confused and overwhelmed . It was great to talk to other mothers whose daughters were pregnant and placing for adoption . It was nice to know they were having all the same feelings and emotions I was having . It was a safe place to cry and get angry if I felt like it . Everyone supported each other 's feelings and emotions . It was especially nice to hear from some of the mothers whose daughters had already placed their babies , and hear that everything turned out okay , and life went on for their family . In one of those group sessions , I heard about someone who had had a shower for the adoptive mother . I decided I really wanted to have a shower for Mrs . Awesome at our house . I was so excited for that shower ! I was still on cloud - nine from choosing the couple , and now I wanted to do this for them . Both Mr . and Mrs . Awesome had lots and lots of family and friends that lived in our area , so there would be plenty of people to come to it . Mrs . Awesome just had to let me know which friends and relatives to invite , and then fly up to attend . Mrs . Awesome ended up inviting around 50 people ! I was wondering where I would put everyone , because I had also invited my sisters / sis - in - laws , nieces and close friends , plus my own daughters . CJ and I tied a little quilt for the baby , with the help of my sister - in - law and some of my nieces . My oldest daughter crocheted a beautiful baby afghan ( her first ever ! ) . She didn 't tell me she was making it , and I was so touched when I saw it . She later made another one for CJ to keep . About 40 people ended up being at the shower . It was crazy trying to fit all of them in my house , in one room ! One thing that I didn 't think about was how left - out my daughter might feel , since the gifts were for a baby she wasn 't keeping , which meant they were basically for Mrs . Awesome . She was a trooper , as usual , though . Mrs . Awesome was her usual kind and thoughtful self , so she had CJ open every other gift , but I know it might still have been a little difficult for CJ . I think she still had a good time though , and I know Mrs . Awesome appreciated and enjoyed it very much . My family and close friends got to meet Mr . and Mrs . Awesome that day , and that meant a lot to me . The more we got to know Mr . and Mrs . Awesome , the more we loved them . We felt so comfortable with them from the moment they became the adoptive parents . We told them that they were now members of our family , and they treated us like their own family , too . This bond has become stronger and stronger over time . It was now the middle of October . CJ was 7 months along ( I don 't know how many weeks , I never learned to keep track that way ) . Her due date was starting to feel close , but she was nowhere near choosing her couple . All , or almost all , of the girls in her group therapy had chosen their couples in the first few months of their pregnancy . We were getting nervous . CJ was wondering if she would ever find the right ones . She really wanted to find a couple who lived in our same state . The first couple that she met and liked , the one that fell through , lived only 15 minutes away . She thought she wanted them to be close by . As she kept looking for couples on the adoption website , and kept eliminating them , she started to run out of couples from our state , that met her criteria . She didn 't know what to do . She didn 't think she wanted to look out of state , but finally she started to . She started emailing back and forth with couples from many states across the country . Some seemed promising at first , but somehow nothing ever came of them . Something they would say in an email would put her off , and she would decide they weren 't the ones . I started thinking that maybe she was just being too picky . One day , I was helping her look for more potential couples . There was this couple named that we had looked at briefly many weeks before . They lived in another state . She had liked a lot of things about them , but at the time she wasn 't ready to reach out into other states yet . Again , she read their profile , and she liked them , but she still wasn 't sure how much . As I read about them , I REALLY liked them , so I encouraged her to email them . What could it hurt ? The emails went back and forth for a couple of weeks , and as she learned more about them , CJ started liking them more . Soon , she started wondering what she should do if she wanted to meet them . They lived SO far away . Could she ask them to come all this way , just to meet her ? What if they paid all that money , and she didn 't even like them when they got here ? But , there was no way to know anything for sure unless she did meet them , so she finally got up the courage to ask them , and they said they would come . They were happy to come ! The day they flew in to meet her was Halloween . That afternoon CJ had a Halloween party at her group therapy , with moms invited , but we had to leave the party early to meet the couple at Olive Garden . My husband met us there . They walked in , found us , and we all sat down . They seemed quiet , and nervous , and it was all pretty uncomfortable at first . They had brought some cute little gifts for CJ , which she opened . There was lots of awkward small talk , and learning about each other ( mostly from my hubby and I , since we hadn 't been emailing them , like CJ had ) . We liked them , and CJ liked them , but there were no bells or whistles going off yet . They were nice . They seemed like good people . They had both grown up near where we live , but had moved out of state a few years before . They both had lots of family that still lived close by us . We talked to them for quite a long time . The next night , CJ and I went to a ballet performance with them . Then , the night after that , CJ wanted them to meet the birthfather , whom she was no longer dating , and who had already signed away his parental rights . She had promised him she 'd let him meet couples she was serious about , and she was determined to keep that promise . My husband and I weren 't there that night , thank goodness , because it was a disaster ! They had met again at a restaurant . After arriving and meeting them , the birthfather started acting very strangely , then suddenly got up and left . He then proceeded to start endlessly texting CJ , telling her he DIDN ' T like them and that she SHOULD NOT choose them . Before this , she was starting to think that maybe she did , possibly , want choose them . Now she was very confused . Again . When the couple had first arrived , CJ and I had come up with an idea . If she liked the couple a lot , we would have them over for a Sunday family dinner , so they could meet the rest of her siblings , and her siblings could meet them . After what the birthdad was doing to her , she wasn 't sure what to do , but she went ahead and invited them over anyway . She also started to make plans to " announce " to them that she wanted them to adopt the baby , even though she was still pretty confused . About an hour before they were supposed to arrive that Sunday , CJ was talking to us about what the birthdad was doing , and what he was saying to her in his texts . He was putting so much pressure on her , that now she didn 't know what to do , or how to feel . She knew she liked this couple , but she was so torn , and so confused . Her dad sat her down , and helped her clear her head . He said a special prayer in her behalf . The prayer calmed her , and helped her focus on what she really felt . By the time the couple arrived at our house , CJ knew . She FINALLY knew what she wanted . She FINALLY knew who she wanted to raise her baby . When I asked her if she was sure , she said yes . She said she was calm , and happy , and excited to " announce " to them that she was going to place her baby with them . This was the feeling she had been waiting to feel . She had no more doubts . They had dinner with us and our whole loud , crazy family . I kept wondering what they were really thinking of us . We can be pretty obnoxious . But they seemed to be enjoying all the loud banter back and forth . They both came from large families ( larger than ours ) , so I 'm sure that 's why they were so comfortable . It was nice to see that they seemed to like us as much as we liked them . Right after dinner , they started saying they were going to leave . We started to panic , because the most important part of the evening ( which they didn 't know about yet ) was about to come . We convinced them to stay a little longer . CJ went downstairs to her room , and started to get the things ready that she had put together for the big announcement . She wanted to do something cute and creative . Because the baby was due just before Christmas , we found some Christmas wrapping paper , and wrapped it around her big belly , then tied a ribbon around it , and then she attached a card under the ribbon . We were all sitting in the living room talking , when CJ walked in with the wrapping paper on her belly . She stood in front of the couple and just smiled . At first they didn 't seem to know how to reaPosted by A few weeks after CJ told us she was pregnant , and planning to place the baby for adoption , she had an ultrasound . Of course I was there with her , waiting in anticipation to find out if she was having a boy or a girl . That day we found out that she was having a girl , and found out her due date . After that it finally started to really sink in that MY baby was really going to have a baby , and that baby was my first grandchild . MY FIRST GRANDCHILD ! I SO wanted to be a grandma ! Many of my friends were already grandmas , and I watched them , and listened to them with envy , and with anticipation of when this wonderful , blessed , thing would happen to me . And now it had . And my daughter was giving my granddaughter away ! As I mentioned in the previous post , our church ( we are LDS ) encourages adoption . I had always believed that IF an unwanted pregnancy ever happened to my child ( which I truly never imagined ) , that I would want them , and encourage them , to choose adoption . I knew it was the best thing for the baby , to be raised in a stable home , with a mother AND a father . But now that it was really happening , it was a bit of a different story . In my mind . and in part of my heart , I knew this was the right option , the best option , for my daughter and for the baby . But , in another small part of my heart , I didn 't want my daughter to give away my granddaughter . I was afraid of never seeing her again . I was afraid of all the regret my daughter might feel , and I might feel , also . But luckily , my daughter was so much braver than me . She was so much stronger than me . She never , ever waivered on her adoption choice . It 's hard for me to admit , but there were times when I would ask her if she was having any second thoughts , and in my heart I almost hoped she 'd say yes . I wanted to be strong for her , so I never , ever told her of my doubts . I was ashamed of them . I also didn 't tell her because I never wanted to influence her decision . I decided early on , that she was the one who would have to live with whatever decision she made , and IThe agency my daughter went through encouraged open adoptions . Open adoption ? This was the first time we had ever heard the term . It sounded kind of strange to us . At first CJ was opposed to the whole idea . She was afraid it would hurt more to see the baby , or have pictures and updates . At first she thought she wanted to just make a clean break and try to go on with her life . My husband was very skeptical of the open adoption idea at first , too . He thought it would confuse the child , or put a stigma on her for other children to make fun of . But , as my daughter started going to the agency 's group therapy , with other pregnant girls who were planning to place their babies in open adoptions , she started to warm up to the idea . My husband also started to see the positives of it , and warmed up , too . Me ? I LOVED the idea of an open adoption almost from the very first . You mean I can still see my grandchild , even though someone else is raising her ? I don 't have to completely give her up forever ? What a wonderful thing ! Sign us up ! So now CJ started looking for a couple , and I helped her . There were literally hundreds and hundreds of profiles on the adoption site . How could you ever narrow it down to choose ? We poured over the many profiles and pictures of couples . She narrowed the search by only looking at couples who had no other children . She wanted couples who loved the outdoors . She wanted a certain look , too . The picture of the couple had to catch her eye , and they had to look good to her . For a long time , I felt that she was being judgmental , when she refused to consider couples who were overweight , or not good - looking , when everything else about them fit her criteria . But , I didn 't push her , because I knew she had to feel good about the couple she finally chose . I now know that she was not being judgmental at all . I truly believe that she was led , by her Heavenly Father , to the couple she ultimately chose , and that the " look " she wanted was the look they would end up having . Maybe that sounds weird to some people , Janet I wish I could remember the exact date . It was sometime early in June of 2009 . It was just an ordinary night , with my husband and I watching t . v . in bed before going to sleep . My 19 year old daughter CJ , who was living at home at the time , showed up in our bedroom looking nervous . Her older sister , who didn 't live with us anymore , was with her . I thought that was weird . I didn 't expect my oldest daughter to stop by that night . I later learned that she was there for moral support . CJ sat down in our bedroom and told us she needed to talk to us . By the way she was talking and acting I knew it was a serious matter . I didn 't know that the words I was about to hear would change our family 's life forever . CJ rambled on for a little bit . I can 't really remember what words came before , because the words " I 'm pregnant " are all I really remember . My husband claims I gave an audible gasp . We both sat in silence for a moment , taking it in . I wanted to think I 'd heard her wrong , but I knew I hadn 't . I guess I shouldn 't have been too shocked . I had been very worried about her and the way she was living her life for a long time . She was acting out , in the opposite way of how she had been taught and raised . She seemed to be taking risks and associating herself with questionable people . But even so , I was surprised . I guess I really never expected it to happen to her or to our family . I could see how scared and worried she was . The next thing she told us was that she was going to place the baby for adoption . She said she 'd already decided . I was actually proud of her at that moment , realizing that even though she had made mistakes , she was trying to be mature and responsible . Our church encourages young girls to choose adoption if marriage to the father is not an option , so of course I was supportive of that idea . My husband and I immediately told her we loved her , and that we would support her . There was no anger or yelling ( as I think she expected ) . There was no reason to yell or punish . We knew that what she was going through But even that good news did not keep me from feeling the affects of CJ 's announcement . I remember feeling like my whole body was heavy . I felt unfocused . I guess I was kind of in shock for a while . We started managing the " stuff " that needed to be done , not letting ourselves think too much about the adoption yet . We did things like making the OB appointment , and getting her started with our church 's adoption agency . In a small way the actions took our minds off the future and what we were all going to have to face . It turned out that CJ was actually 4 months pregnant that night she told us . She had known for over 3 months and didn 't dare tell us . She was so scared , and lost , and basically alone all that time . That makes my heart ache . But now that I knew , I wanted to make this tough thing as easy as possible for her . I was determined to be by her side all the way .

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag "

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag "

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag "

Its a feeling I know all too well . Im the type of person who jumps into things head first . All or nothing . I tend to take on more than I can handle and I let myself down . Not only that but when people say " maybe we 'll do this " I get really excited and when it doesn 't happen I feel really low and upset . I don 't understand why . I need to learn to pace myself and take life on one step at a time rather than try to take down 6 things at once . I tend to overwhelm myself with things that I really don 't need to worry about at that particular point in time . For example ; When I decide I want to do a New workout , its not just a try the work out , I more or less say I need to eat like this , I need to exercise blank number of times a day , I need to lose this much by this time . . So on and so forth , which sometimes works for people , however I get discouraged when I don 't get results fast enough . That 's not a way I want to be . Patience is something one learns , its not like you 're born with it . I need to teach myself to be patient , wait for things to happen in their own time and I need to not expect so much out of myself all at once . Easier said then done . I feel like I should be so much further in my life right now . I feel like I haven 't accomplished anything . I need to move forward . I need to stop being so negative , but again , easier said then done . . . So , I just want to warn whoever is reading this , if you are offended easily , or grossed out or overly sensitive to sexual content , stop reading now . This blog post is about being molested as a child . So , Stop now if that bothers you . I do not feel that this person deserves to have their name protected or hidden . This person is the lowest sickest type of person . He damaged me in ways that I still haven 't figured out . He killed who I once was . He stole my childhood . When I was almost 5 years old I had a babysitter . His name was Donald . After a few weeks of babysitting me , he got comfortable around our home . One night , my Mom and her boyfriend went out . I don 't remember where they were going , but that doesn 't matter . I was sitting on the couch with Donald watching TV before I went to bed , which I only got to do when he was babysitting . We were sitting there and he started to rub himself . After a few minutes he unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out . He looked over at me , while still rubbing himself , and asked me ( a 5 year old kid ) if I wanted to touch it . I didn 't answer him . I felt sick and wasn 't sure why . I turned and kept watching the TV . After a few more minutes he reached over and took my hand , placed it around his penis , and put his hand over mine , and made me rub it , this went on for about 10 minutes , and then my Mom and her boyfriend unexpectedly came home early . He moved my hand , zipped up his pants , and told me not to tell anyone . This continued for a few weeks . He told me that it was OK , and that no one needed to know because I would get him in trouble and I didn 't want to do that because we were " friends " and that he cared about me . He would " reward me " for not telling by letting me stay up late or watch whatever TV show I wanted . . etc . After I while , I assume that the touching got boring for him . One day , as he had his hand over mine , making me touch him , he reached over and placed his hand between my legs . Eventually , when it would be time for me to go to bed , he would come and lay down behind me . He would rub himself against me . Sometimes , he would actually take it his pants off and just be in his boxers and rub himself against me . This happened everyday . Sometimes he would come over during the day , and he would come to my room to " play " with me while my mom went about her chores . He was basically making sure that I wasn 't telling anyone anything . I felt sick , I didn 't know what was wrong , all I knew is that something wasn 't right . When I was 6 years old , he asked me if I knew what sex was . I said no , because obviously at 6 years old , you don 't know what sex is . He told me all about it . Every little detail . I wanted to puke . He started to tell me more and more about all the different sexual things one could do to and for another . One day , I wasn 't doing what I was supposed to and he put me in time out in my room . After a few minutes , he came in and I was standing against the wall . He unzipped his pants and told me he wanted me to put it in my mouth . I said no . He got angry and grabbed my arm , I started to cry , he dropped his pants and I fell to my knees and cried , so hard . He tried to force his penis into my mouth . I closed my mouth and turned my head and cried harder . I begged him to stop , told him I didn 't like it and I didn 't want to do it . He was so angry . He picked me up and threw me onto my bed . He sat down next to me and grabbed me and rolled me over . ( I had turned towards the wall . ) He reached down to his zipper again , noticed the time , got up and walked out of my room and closed the door . When I stopped crying he came back in and said he was really sorry and that it wouldn 't happen again . He begged me not to tell anyone . . For the next year , he tried to be my friend and get me to trust him again . He still made me touch him but he would be really nice to me all the time . He started asking me to sit on his lap all the time . When I was 7 , my moms boyfriend was in the hospital for a week , and my mom was working 12 hour shifts , so I was left with the babysitter often . I was in my moms room , laying on her bed , playing with my dog , when Donald came in . He told me it was time to get ready for bed and that I needed to take a bath . He filled the tub and came and got me when it was done . When I went in , I closed the door and got in , not 2 minutes later , he came in and sat on the toilet seat . He watched me take my bath . I asked him to leave , and he didn 't . When it was time for me to get out , he said he would help me get my pyjama 's on . I was 7 years old , I didn 't need help . I told him that . . He insisted . That night , he laid on my bed with me and asked me to hug him , I didn 't want to . He acted really sad and told me that I had hurt his feelings , so I hugged him . I woke up later , to find him touching me . When I woke up , he just looked at me and smiled and asked me if I liked it . I didn 't say anything , I tried to turn over and get up . He stopped me . He started to kiss me . I kept moving my head away , and he would grab it so I couldn 't move . This went on for years , he would make me touch him , he would touch me and kiss me and try to make me go further and further . When I would start to cry and freak out he would go away and come back later and try to make me happy so I wouldn 't tell anyone . As I got older , I was embarrassed . He made me feel like it was normal , and that lots of people did it and that if I told my Mom it would only get worse . I was scared , so I didn 't say anything . When I was 10 years old , he took my pants off , he rubbed me over my underwear . He then took his pants off and took my underwear off . He rubbed his penis against my vagina . I started to cry . I wanted him to stop . I knew it was wrong , and I didn 't want him to touch me anymore . He covered my mouth with his hand and kept rubbing himself against me . He would rub harder and harder every time . I kept trying to get away . He wouldn 't let me . After doing this for what felt like forever , he stopped and went to the washroom . When he came out , he made me get dressed again and threatened me . When I said I was going to tell on him , he burnt me with a lighter . He threatened me again and again . I was so scared . I promised I wouldn 't tell anyone . Ever . Every time he would babysit me it would get worse and worse . He would never actually have sex with me , but he would rub me with his penis , and he would fondle me when ever he had the chance . Eventually , just after my 12th birthday , I told my Mom I didn 't want a babysitter anymore . I begged her . She asked why and I just said that I didn 't like Donald and I didn 't want him to watch me anymore . I begged her not to tell him that I asked her to make him stop babysitting me . She found me a new babysitter , and I was really happy . One day , as I was walking home from school , I ran into him . He saw me and smiled and asked me to hug him . I refused . He kept trying to make me , and I kept saying no . Louder and louder every time . He kept coming towards me , so I stomped on his foot as hard as I could and I ran around him and ran to my home . after a while , I blocked it out of my mind . I had completely forgotten about it . Sometimes , I would get really uncomfortable around guys I didn 't know alone . I didn 't know why , I thought I was just shy . . . . When I was 19 I signed into my FaceBook and saw that I had a friend request . When I clicked it , I saw the name Donald . I ran to the bathroom and threw up , I didn 't know why I felt so sick . . After a couple hours , I started to remember things . In great detail . I would shake uncontrollably . I couldn 't believe that he would try to add me on FaceBook after everything that he had done . I blocked him . It still bothers me to this day that this man , who did this to me , now has a 4 year old daughter . Does he touch her ? Does he do that to her ? Is she safe ? I haven 't written everything in here , because there are some things that I can 't bring myself to write or consciously remember . I have nightmares about it sometimes . It feels like I 'm really there and it 's happening all over again . I 'm hoping by writing this , it helps me move past it . I 've tried to forgive him , because I need to move on with my life , yet no matter how hard I try , I can 't . I just can 't Please , no rude comments or immature jokes . This is very personal and it really hurts . I don 't need to be criticized or put down . I didn 't know any better . You know , sometimes I worry that if my family reads my blog that they would hate me , but at the same time Im doing this for me , not them . Im being honest in how I feel , what I remember , what Im thinking about . This is the most open I 've ever been . You know if you can 't accept this stuff , then you can 't accept me . Simple , right ? Yet I still worry about it . I feel so dumb doing so , but I can 't stop . My mind is always racing with thoughts and I feel like its really hard to turn it off . I have trouble sleeping because my mind is so busy . I keep trying to find the off switch but its like trying to find the light switch in a dark unfamiliar room . Nearly impossible . I 've been thinking about meditation . Im not sure if it would work for me , but Id be willing to try it . Just to turn off my brain for a little while . I find that writing my thoughts down here last few days have helped a little . I 've defiantly been sleeping better . I honestly didn 't even know anyone read my blogs until my friend messaged me on Facebook about it . I was amazed at the amount of support she gave me . My Dad wasn 't really around much , mainly because my Mom and I had moved out of our home town and went 4 hours away . . I wish my parents were together . I get jealous of other people sometimes when they talk about going to see their parents , or when they talk about growing up with both parents . I feel like I missed out on a lot . I remember we used to go out on the three - wheeler and go up the hill behind Grammies house and get to this big field with this one GIANT oak tree . It was beautiful . There was no other tree 's around that one . It was completely isolated in the field . I remember it being amazing to me . The most beautiful thing I had ever seen . Sometimes when I get upset , I think back to that field , that tree . . the warm breeze . I remember the smell . So fresh . The birds singing and the sun . It was magical , really . It 's my happy place . I remember the summer that the oak tree was struck by lightning . I was really upset . The tree was completely ruined . Split almost perfectly down the middle . I remember Macky ( my Dad 's dad , technically my grandfather , but I 'm not getting into why I call him by his name instead of grampy ) took me up on his four - wheeler to see it , and he would sing to me " The old oak tree , she ain 't what she used to be . . " Broke my heart to see the most perfect thing I 'd ever seen , destroyed over night . As I got older , the trips to my Dad 's in the summer seemed to get awkward . My Dad would go out with his friends and I would be alone with my grandparents , or with my cousin at my Uncle Clinton 's house next door . I wanted to stay home and play with my friends , not be in Perth . I found it got boring after a few weeks , because I was getting used to being in the city and having so many things to do so close to home rather than being in the country . I think my Dad resented that . My Dad and Mom started in a custody battle when I was 7 . It went on for years . I remember the mean and hurtful things that they would say about each other . My Dad 's mother was the worst for it . I understand that she doesn 't like my mother , but some of the things she would say , would hurt me too . The way I looked at it was that I came from my mother , I am part of her , and she is part of me . When they would say mean and hateful things about my mother , they would hurt me too , because in a way it would reflect on me as well . Over time , after hearing the lawyers talk , and my parents talk and what everyone had to say , I wanted it to end . I was so tired of it . I wrote my Dad a letter . I told him that I wanted him to stop , I told him that I wanted to live with my Mom and stay where I was and stay at the school I was at because I actually had friends there . I told him that what he was saying about my Mom was wrong , and hurtful to me . I went 10 years without talking to my Dad . It actually really bothered me . I would think about him often , I would wonder if he ever thought about me , if he ever wondered what I was like now , if he ever thought to try to contact me . . It used to eat at me . When I started dating my boyfriend , I remember talking to him about my dad , and about how I wanted to talk to him again . He helped me write a letter . We went and parked in the middle of winter , by the beach and watched the water and I had my laptop and I just wrote down everything that I felt . I added my dad on Facebook , and got his email . I sent him the email , with every thought and feeling I had ever had in it . It was so scary waiting to see if he would respond . He finally responded and we started talking more . It was great . He came down to visit me , and it was a little awkward . I didn 't know if he would even like who I had become . It had been 10 years . A lot happens to a person in 10 years . By that point I had already thought about what I wanted to do with my life . I talked to him about my life , about my goals , I told him about my boyfriend . . I over heard him talking to my mom the next morning . They didn 't know I was awake yet . He asked my mom if I was pregnant . That hurt . He said that I was overweight . He started trying to tell me what I should do with my life . etc . Thats not what I wanted to do . I understand that he probably just wanted to best for me , but at the time I looked at it like , you 've been out of my life for 10 years , didn 't try to contact me , and now you are trying to direct my life ? I didn 't like it . Things are a little better now , I think he has realized that I am going to go down my own path , that I am a grown woman now . Sometimes I wish we talked more . However life doesn 't always allow time for it . Sometimes it 's hard to get ahold of him because he doesn 't stay home often , and I try to stay busy . I try to tell him about my goals and my aspirations , and sometimes I feel like he doesn 't care . He doesn 't really have much to say about it , and I don 't understand . I think I over think a lot of things . . I just really wished that my dad was in my life growing up . I have a lot of regret . Telling my dad I wanted nothing to do with him is one of the things I regret . I love my dad , he 's the only one I have . I can never make up for the 10 years lost , but I can build a new relationship with him . I probably don 't really try as hard as I could to keep in contact with him . . I should change that . I just always get caught up in my own stuff that I forget that I haven 't emailed or called him in a while . It makes me feel bad . I need to remind myself that I need to keep him in the loop because that 's the only way I am going to start to rebuild what I lost . I wish he came to visit more , or that I went to see him more . . but losing 10 years . . . it changes a relationship . It 's like trying to get to know a stranger that you only see once in a while . It 's hard . I wish he tried harder too . I wish he accepted me for who I am . I 'm sorry for everything . I 'm trying to fix it , I just don 't know how . I feel like I 've let too much time go by . I don 't know what to do anymore . . It 's so frustrating and confusing . As I sit alone in my apartment I can 't help but sit back as my mind wonders to all sorts of things . . I feel like no matter how much I try to look for the positive in something I always end up thinking about the most negative parts . I have a tendency to go straight to the worst case scenario . Every time . I get scared of situations that are potentially good , I don 't allow myself to open up and grow because I 'm scared of what others are going to think of me , or what COULD happen if I go for it . The most frustrating part of it all is that I find myself crying for no reason , I find myself lost in some dark cold place in my mind , that was never there before , or at least , I never noticed it . I feel like I 've lost my strength . I can 't hide anymore . When I was 4 , my Mom met a man , we 'll call him " Wheels . " He found us in Perth , and he moved us to Salisbury NB to his home . When my mother would go to work , he would lock me in my room and I wasn 't aloud to come out until my mom was off work , when we would eat supper , I was only aloud to have a spoon full of whatever was being served . When he would go for a drive , he would make my mother , because he was in a wheelchair , carry him from the van , to the house . He wouldn 't even get in his wheelchair and wheel himself inside . Sometimes , as my mother was carrying him into the house he would be calling her names and yelling at her . I don 't understand how she did it . I couldn 't . When they would go out , his son would babysit me , and molest me . . He would make me do things , and I had no idea what I was doing , I just knew it felt wrong . I want to write out everything I can remember him making me do , but I 'm scared of what people will think . I know it wasn 't my fault , but deep down , I am still ashamed . I often find myself thinking about it . I had blocked it from my mind for a long time , I had completely forgotten about it and him , until he tried to add me on FaceBook . I saw his name and I puked . I just got so sick , and I started to remember everything . Ever little detail . I wish I could forget it again . I try to be strong and I try to forgive him , because I don 't need to waste my time hating someone for something they did . I know that he will never own up to what he did , I know this because I had messaged him about it , and he flat out denied it . That hurt . I wasn 't looking for an apology , I just wanted him to acknowledge what he did and how he made me feel and how he has affected my life . . I don 't know what I was expecting really . . but I wanted to tell him . My Mom eventually left " Wheels " when I was 7 and we moved to a little apartment in town . She met a man that she worked with and started dating him . We 'll call him " The Angry Giant . " He was good for the first little while . He made my mom really happy , and I was glad , but as time went on , he would lose control of his anger more and more often . Eventually EVERYTHING made him angry , now I do admit that sometimes I did deserve to get yelled at , he was a little out of control . I wasn 't aloud to go out and play with my friends , I wasn 't aloud to have friends over , or go to their houses . Eventually , it got to the point where he would call me names , all the time , everyday , numerous times a day . He made me feel like the lowest piece of shit there is out there . If I didn 't clean my room fast enough he would come in with a garbage bag and throw my things out . If a piece of paper fell onto the floor and I didn 't notice before he did , it was like the wrath of hell unleashed in the living room . He would always yell at my Mom . He would tell her that it was " the mothers job " to clean , and to cook , etc . My friends would notice eventually . They would show up to my house and knock on the door to see if I could come out and hang out , and " The Angry Giant " would chase them away . He used to threaten my male friends , and say extremely rude things about my female friends . There was never any pleasing him . EVER . When he would ask me a question and I gave an answer that he didn 't like , I would get yelled at for hours on end . I wasn 't aloud to get up and go to the bathroom . Sometimes he would yell for 4 - 6 hours straight . No exaggeration here . The neighbours would ask me and my Mom about it , because they would hear him yelling , and me crying . . and we would tell them it was nothing . My mom and I would go out ( on the rare occasion he let us go out ) and we would have to think of a lie to tell him about what we did that day , because if we said something out of place , it would lead to screaming and yelling and things being thrown around . . as time went on it escalated to him picking me up and throwing me around , he would push me , he would slap me . I never told anyone at school or my friends , or even my family , because I was embarrassed . I would lie to them . " Everything 's great . " " I 'm super happy . " " Everything 's perfect . " We eventually left him . I begged my mom , and got my friend to bring his truck . After " The Angry Giant " left for work on Halloween morning , my friend pulled up in his truck and we piled our stuff on . We never looked back . He eventually found us , and would park outside of our apartment complex in the early morning ( 3am ) for a few hours , and then leave . He eventually stopped . For too long , I have held things in , hid my feelings , and held up my walls . It 's too exhausting . I can 't do it anymore . I need to get it out . I have to . It 's not healthy for me not to . I might do a separate blog about being molested , because I need to get that out . I have to , and I know that there 's other girls and boys even , that have been molested as a child , and could relate . I want to share my story . I want to share my life . ( well , some of it any way )

child _ detBlytonSecret MountainPaul , Jack , Peggy , Nora and Mike have come to Africa on what seems an impossible search . Yet they mustn 't give it up because Captain and Mrs . Arnold have been kidnapped and taken to the Secret Mountain . But where is the mountain ? And who are the strange red - haired people who live there ? Their rescue expedition seems destined to fail , until they meet young Mafumu … " Oh , don 't say things like that ! " said Peggy . " Make him stop , Jack ! " laughed and slapped Mike on the shoulder . " Cheer up ! " he said . " A week from today you 'll be here again to welcome them back , and there will be cameramen and newspaper men crowding round to take your picture - son of the most famous air - pilots in the world ! " children 's father and mother came up , dressed in flying suits . They kissed and hugged the children . " Now , don 't worry about us , " said their mother . " We shall soon be back . You will be able to follow our flight by reading what the newspapers say every day . We will have a fine party when we come home , and you shall all stay up till eleven o ' clock ! " " Gracious ! " said Jack . " We shall have to start going to bed early every night to get ready for such a late party ! " was rather a feeble joke , but everyone was glad to laugh at it . One more hug all round and the two flyers climbed into the cockpit of their tiny aeroplane , whose engines were now roaring in a most business - like way . Arnold was to pilot the aeroplane for the first part of the flight . He waved to the children . They waved back . The aeroplane engines took on a deeper , stronger note , and the machine began to move gently over the grass , bumping a little as it went . , like a bird rising , the wheels left the ground and the tiny white plane rose into the air . It circled round twice , rose high , and then sped off south with a drone of powerful engines . The great flight had begun ! " Well , I suppose the White Swallow will break another record , " said Mike , watching the aeroplane become a tiny speck in the blue sky . " Come on , you others . Let 's go and have some lemonade and buns . " they went and were soon sitting round a little table in the airfield 's restaurant . They were so hungry that they ordered twelve buns . " It 's a bit of luck getting off from school for a couple of days like this , " said Mike . " It 's a pity we 've got to go back today . It would have been fun to go to a cinema or something . " " In three hours , " said Jack , munching his bun . " We shall have to go soon . It will take us over an hour to get to London from here , and you girls don 't want to miss your train . " " We 'll all look in the newspapers each day and see where Mummy and Daddy have got to , " said Peggy . " And we 'll look forward to meeting you boys here again in about a week 's time , to welcome the plane back ! Golly , that will be exciting ! " " You and your nasty feelings ! " said Nora laughing . " By the way , how 's Prince Paul ? " Paul was a boy at Mike 's school . He and the children had had some strange adventures together the year before , when the Prince had been captured and taken from his land of Baronia to be kept prisoner in an old house that had once belonged to smugglers . The children had rescued him - and now Paul had been sent to the same school as his friends , Mike and Jack . " Come on - we really must go , " said Mike . " Where 's the taxi ? Oh , there it is . Get in , you girls , and we 'll be off . Jack and I will have time to come and see you safely into your train . " evening came all four children were safely back at their two schools . Prince Paul was watching for his friends , and he rushed to meet Jack and Mike . " Did you see them off ? " he cried . " Did you see the evening papers ? There 's a picture of Captain and Mrs . Arnold in it . " enough the evening papers were full of the big flight that the famous pilots were making . The children read them proudly . It was fun to have such a famous father and mother . " I 'd rather have a famous pilot for a father than a king , " said Prince Paul enviously . " Kings aren 't much fun , really - but airmen are always doing marvellous things ! " the next two days the papers were full of the plane 's magnificent flight - and then a horrid thing happened . Mike ran to get the evening paper , and the first thing that met his eye was a great headline that said : " NO NEWS OF THE ARNOLDS . STRANGE SILENCE . WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WHITE SWALLOW ? " White Swallow was the name given to the beautiful aeroplane flown by Captain and Mrs . Arnold . Mike went pale as he read his headlines . He handed the paper to Jack without a word . glanced at it in dismay . " What can have happened ? " he said . " I say - the girls will be jolly upset . " " Didn 't I tell you I felt gloomy when I saw Dad and Mummy off ? " said Mike . " I knew something was going to happen ! " girls were just as upset as the boys . Nora cried and Peggy tried to comfort her . " It 's no good telling me they will be all right , " wept Nora . " They must have come down in the middle of Africa somewhere , and goodness knows what might happen . They might be eaten by wild animals , or get lost in the forest or - " " Nora , they 've got food and guns , " said Peggy . " And if the plane has had an accident , well , heaps of people will be looking and searching day and night . Let 's not look on the dark side of things till we know a bit more . " " Well , it 's half - term holiday the week - end after next , " said Peggy . " We shall see them then . " the children 's great disappointment , there was no news of their parents the next day - nor the next day either . Then , as the days slipped by , and the papers forgot about the lost flyers , and printed other fresher news , the children became more and more worried . term came , and the four of them went to London , where they were to stay for three days at their parents ' flat . Miss Dimmy , an old friend of theirs , was to look after them for that short time . Prince Paul was to join them that evening . He had to go and see his own people first , in another part of London . " My dear , you mustn 't worry - everything is being done that can possibly be done , " said Dimmy . " Search parties have been sent out all over the district where it is thought that Captain and Mrs . Arnold may have come down . They will soon be found . " took them all to a cinema , and for a while the children forgot their worries . Prince Paul joined them after tea , looking tremendously excited . " Don 't be silly , " grinned Paul , who was now quite used to the English children 's teasing ways . " You 're all wrong - he 's given me an aeroplane of my very own ! " four children stared at Paul in the greatest surprise . The knew that Paul 's father was a rich king - but even so , an aeroplane seemed a very extravagant present to give to a small boy . " An aeroplane ! " said Mike . " Golly - if you aren 't lucky , Paul ! But you are too young to fly it . It won 't be any use to you . " " Yes , it will , " said Paul . " My father has sent me his finest pilot with it . I can fly all over your little country of England and get to know it very well . " " Paper ! Evening paper ! Lost aeroplane found ! White Swallow found ! " a yell the four children rushed down the stairs to buy a paper . But what a dreadful disappointment for them ! It was true that the White Swallow had been found - but Captain and Mrs . Arnold were not with it . They had completely disappeared ! children read the news in silence . The aeroplane had been seen by one of the searching planes , which had landed nearby . Something had gone wrong with the White Swallow and Captain Arnold had plainly been putting it right - then something had happened to stop him . " We will go ! " he said . " What about my new aeroplane ! We can go in that - and Pilescu , my pilot , can take us ! He is always ready for an adventure ! Don 't let 's go back to school , Mike - let 's go off in my aeroplane ! " others stared at the little Prince in astonishment . What an idea ! " Indeed , you won 't ! " cried Jack . " Mike - it 's an idea ! We 've had marvellous adventures together - this will be another . Let 's go - oh , do let 's go ! " The Middle Of The Nightone of the five children thought of the great risk and danger of the adventure they were so light - heartedly planning . " We 'll leave a note for her that she can read when we are well away , " said Mike . " But we really mustn 't do anything to warn her or anyone else . My word - what a mercy that Paul had that aeroplane for his birthday ! " " Don 't be an idiot , Paul , " said Jack . " We 've got to get a few things together . We ought to have guns , I think , for one thing . " " Guns don 't , " said Jack . " You girls don 't need to have guns . But where can we get these things - I 'm sure I don 't know . " " I will tell him he must find out , " said Paul . " Show me where your telephone is Mike , and I will tell him everything . " Paul was holding a most extraordinary talk with his puzzled pilot . In the end Pilescu said he must come round to the flat and talk to his small master . He could not believe that he was really to do what Paul commanded . " Pilescu is my man , " said the little Prince , putting his small chin into the air , and looking very royal all of a sudden . " He has sworn an oath to me to obey me all my life . He has to do what I say . " " Then I will no longer have him as my man , " said Paul fiercely . " And that will break his heart , for he loves me and honours me . I am his prince , and one day I will be his king . " " You talk like a history book , " said Peggy with a laugh . " All right , Paul - you try to get Pilescu to do what we have planned . He 'll soon be here . " twenty minutes Pilescu arrived . He was a strange - looking person , very tall , very strong , with fierce black eyes and a flaming red beard that seemed on fire when it caught the sun . bowed to all the children in turn , for his manners were marvellous . Then he spoke to Paul in a curiously gentle voice . " Little Prince , I cannot believe that you wish me to do what you said on the telephone . It is not possible . I cannot do it . " Paul flew into a rage , and stamped on the floor , his face bright red , and his dark eyes flashing in anger . " Pilescu ! How dare you talk to me like this ? My father , the king , told me that you must do my smallest wish . I will not have you for my man . I will send you back to Baronia to my father and ask him for a better man . " " Little Prince , I held you in my arms when you were born , and I promised then that you should be my lord , " said Pilescu , in a troubled voice . " I shall never leave you , now that your father has sent me to be with you . But do not ask me to do what I think may bring danger to you . " " Pilescu ! Shall I , the king 's son , think of danger ! " cried the little Prince . " These are my friends you see here . They are in trouble and I have promised to help them . Do you not remember how they saved me when I was kidnapped from my country of Baronia ? Now it is my turn to help them . You will do what I say . " other four children watched in astonishment . They had not seen Paul acting the prince before . Before ten minutes had gone by the big Baronian had promised to do all that his haughty little master demanded . He bowed himself out and was gone from the flat before Dimmy came to find out who the visitor was . " Good , Paul ! " said Mike . " Now all we 've got to do is to wait till Pilescu lets us know how he got on . " the night was gone Pilescu telephoned to Prince Paul . The boy came running to the others , his face eager and shining . " Pilescu has found out everything for us . He has bought all we need , but he says we must pack two bags with all we ourselves would like to have . So we must do that . We must leave the house at midnight , get into the car that will be waiting for us at the corner - and go to the airfield ! " " Golly ! How exciting ! " said Mike . The girls rubbed their hands , thrilled to think of the adventure starting so soon . Only Jack looked a little doubtful . He was the eldest , and he wondered for the first time if they were wise to go on this new and strange adventure . the others would not even let him speak of his doubts . No - they had made up their minds , and everything was ready except for the packing of their two bags . They were going ; they were going ! bags were packed . The five children were so excited that they really did not know what to pack , and when the bags were full , not one child could possibly have said what was in them ! With trembling hands they did up the leather straps , and then Mike wrote out a note for Dimmy . stuck the note into the mirror on the girls ' dressing - table . It was quite a short note . " Dimmy Dear , 't worry about us . We 've gone to look for Daddy and Mummy . We 'll be back safe and sound before long . from all of us . " had been out to see a friend and did not come back until nine o ' clock . The children had decided to get into bed fully dressed , so that Dimmy would not have any chance of asking awkward questions . was rather surprised to find all the children so quiet and good in bed . They did not even sit up to talk to her when she came into the bedrooms to kiss them all goodnight . She did not guess that it was because they were not in their night clothes ! " Dear me , you must all be tired out ! " she said in surprise . " Well , goodnight , my dears , sleep well . You still have another day 's holiday , so we will make the most of it tomorrow . " the children lay perfectly still until they heard Dimmy go into her bedroom and shut the door . They listened to her movements , and then they heard the click of her bedroom light being turned off . " Don 't get out of bed yet , " whispered Jack to Mike . " Give Dimmy time to get to sleep . " for another half - hour or so the children lay quiet - and Nora fell asleep ! Peggy had to wake her up , and the little girl was most astonished to find that she had to get up in the dark , and that she had on her day clothes ! But she soon remembered what a big adventure was beginning , and she rubbed her eyes , and went to get a wet sponge to make her wider awake . " What 's the time ? " whispered Mike . He flashed his torch on to the bedroom clock - half - past eleven . Nearly time to leave the house . " Let 's go to the dining - room and hunt round for a few biscuits first , " said Jack . " I feel hungry . Now for goodness sake be quiet , everyone . Paul , don 't trip over anything - and , Nora , take those squeaky shoes off ! You sound like a dozen mice when you creep across the bedroom ! " Nora took off her squeaky shoes and carried them . Jack and Mike took the bags , and the five children made their way quietly down the passage to the dining - room . They found the biscuit tin and began to munch . The noise of the biscuits being crunched in their teeth sounded very loud in the silence of the night . " Do you think Dimmy will hear us munching ? " said Nora anxiously . She swallowed her piece of biscuit too soon and a crumb caught in her throat . She went purple in the face , and tried hard not to cough . Then an enormous cough came , and the others rushed at her . " Nora ! Do be quiet ! " whispered Jack fiercely . He caught the cloth off the table and wrapped it round poor Nora 's head . Her coughs were smothered in it , but the little girl was very angry with Jack . tore off the cloth and glared at the grinning boy . " Jack ! You nearly smothered me ! You 're a horrid mean thing . " " Sh ! " said Mike , " This isn 't the time to quarrel . Hark - the clock is striking twelve . " was peacefully asleep in her bedroom when the five children crept to the front door of the flat . They opened it and closed it very quietly . Then down the stone stairway they went to the street entrance , where another big door had to be quietly opened . " Well , don 't shut it then , silly , " said Jack . " Leave it open . No one will bother about it . " they left the big door open and went down the street , hoping that they would not meet any policemen . They felt sure that a policeman would think it very queer for five children to be out at that time of night ! they met no one at all . They went down to the end of the street , and Mike caught Jack 's arm . " Yes - that 's our car , " said Jack . " Isn 't it , Paul ? " nodded , and they crossed the road to where a big blue and silver car stood waiting , its engine turned off . The children could see the blue and silver in the light of a street lamp . Paul 's aeroplane was blue and silver too , as were all the royal aeroplanes of Baronia . man slipped out of the car and opened the door silently for the children . His uniform was of blue and silver too , and , like most Baronians , he was enormous . He bowed low to Paul . the great car was speeding through the night . It went very fast , eating up the miles easily . The children were all tremendously excited . For one thing it was a great thrill to be going off in an aeroplane - and who knew what exciting adventures lay in store for them ! came to the airfield . It was in darkness , except for lights in the middle of the field , where the beautiful aeroplane belonging to Prince Paul stood ready to start . " Good , " said Paul . " Then we can all slip into it , and we shall be off before anyone really knows we are here ! " Exciting Journeybig blue and silver car drove silently over the bumpy field until it came to the aeroplane . Pilescu was there , his red beard shining in the light of a lamp . With him was another man just as big . " Hallo , Ranni ! " said Prince Paul joyfully . " Are you coming too ? I 'm so glad to see you ! " lifted the small Prince off the ground and swung him into the air . His broad face shone with delight . " My little lord ! " he said . " Yes - I come with you and Pilescu . I think it is not right that you should do this - but the lords of Baronia were always mad ! " laughed . It was easy to see that he loved big Ranni , and was glad that the Baronian was coming too . " Easily , " said Pilescu . " But now , come quickly before the mechanics come to see what is happening . " all climbed up the little ladder to the cockpit . The aeroplane inside was like a big and comfortable room . It was marvellous . Mike and the others cried out in amazement . " Baronia has the most marvellous planes in the world , " said Pilescu proudly . " It is only a small country , but our inventors are the best . " children settled down into comfortable armchair seats . Paul , who was tremendously excited , showed everyone how the seats unfolded , when a spring was touched , and became small beds , cosy and soft . " Golly ! " said Jack , making his seat turn into a bed at once , and then changing it back to an armchair , and then into a bed again . " This is like magic . I could do this all night ! " " You must settle down into your seats quickly , " ordered Pilescu , climbing into the pilot 's seat , with big Ranni just beside him . " We must be off . We have many hundreds of miles to fly before the sun is high . " children settled down again , Paul chattering nineteen to the dozen ! Nobody felt sleepy . It was far too exciting a night to think of sleep . made sure the children had all fastened their seat belts , and started the engines , which made a loud and comfortable noise . Then , with a slight jerk , the aeroplane began to run over the dark field . bumped a little - and then , like a big bird , it rose into the air and skimmed over the long line of trees that stood at the far end of the big field . The children hardly knew that it had left the ground . " Goodness ! " said Peggy , half - startled to think of the enormous speed at which the plane was flying . The children had to raise their voices when they spoke , because the engine of the plane , although specially silent , made a great noise . flight through the dark night was very strange to the children . As soon as the plane left the ground its wheels rose into its body and disappeared . They would descend again when the aeroplane landed . It flew through the darkness as straight as an arrow , with Pilescu piloting it , his eyes on all the various things that told him everything he needed to know about the plane . " We don 't need looking after ! " cried Mike indignantly . " We can easily look after ourselves ! Why , once when we ran away to a secret island , we looked after ourselves for months and months ! " " Yes - I heard that wonderful story , " said Pilescu . " But I must have another man with me , and Ranni was the one I could most trust . We may be very glad of his help . " one knew then how glad they were going to be that big Ranni had come with them - but even so , Ranni was very comforting even in the plane , for he brought the children hot cocoa when they felt cold , and produced cups of hot tomato soup which they thought tasted better than any soup they had ever had before ! " Isn 't it exciting to be drinking soup high up in an aeroplane in the middle of the night ? " said Peggy . " And I do like these biscuits . Ranni , I 'm very glad you came with us ! " Ranni grinned . He was like a great bear , yet as gentle as could be . He adored little Paul , and gave him far too much to eat and drink . They all had bars of nut chocolate after the soup , and Pilescu munched as well . plane had been flying very steadily indeed - in fact , the children hardly noticed the movement at all - but suddenly there came a curious jerk , and the plane dropped a little . It happened two or three times , and Paul didn 't like it . " We are only bumping into air - pockets , " he shouted to Paul . " When we get into one we drop a bit - so it feels as if the plane is bumping along . Wait till we get into a big air - pocket - you 'll feel funny , young Paul ! " enough , the plane slipped into a very big air - pocket , and down it dropped sharply . Paul nearly fell off his big armchair , and he turned quite green . " What 's this for ? " asked Paul , in a weak voice , looking greener than ever . " There 's nothing in the bag . " other four children shouted with laughter . They felt sorry for Paul , but he really did look comical , peering into the paper bag to see if there was anything there . " It 's for you to be sick in , if you want to be , " shouted Jack . " Didn 't you know that ? " the paper bag wasn 't needed after all , because the plane climbed high , away from the bumpy air - pockets , and Paul felt better . " I shan 't eat so much chocolate another time , " he said cheerfully . " I bet you will ! " said Jack , who knew that Paul could eat more chocolate than any other boy he had ever met . " I say - isn 't this a gorgeous adventure ? I hope we see the sun rise ! " they didn 't , because they were all fast asleep ! Nora and Peggy began to yawn at two o ' clock in the morning , and Ranni saw them . " You will all go to sleep now , " he said . He got up and helped the two girls to turn their big armchairs into comfortable , soft beds . He gave them each a pillow and a very cosy warm rug . " We don 't want to go to sleep , " said Nora in dismay . " I shan 't close my eyes . I know I shan 't . " " Don 't then , " said Ranni with a grin . He pulled the rugs closely over the children and went back to his seat beside Pilescu . and Peggy and Paul found that their eyes closed themselves - they simply wouldn 't keep open . In three seconds they were all sound asleep . The other two boys did not take much longer , excited though they were . nudged the pilot and Pilescu 's dark eyes twinkled as he looked round at the quiet children . and Ranni talked in their own language , as the plane roared through the night . They had travelled hundreds of miles before daylight came . It was marvellous to see the sun rising when dawn came . sky became full of a soft light that seemed alive . The light grew and changed colour . Both pilots watched in silence . It was a sight they had often seen and were never tired of . light filled the aeroplane when the sun showed a golden rim over the far horizon . Ranni switched off the electric lights at once . The world lay below , very beautiful in the dawn . " Don 't wake them , Ranni , " said Pilescu . " We may have a harder time in front of us than they know . I am hoping that we shall turn and go back , once the children realise that we cannot possibly find their parents . We shall not stay in Africa very long ! " children slept on . When they awoke it was about eight o ' clock . The sun was high , and below the plane was a billowing mass of snowy whiteness , intensely blue in the shadows . " Golly ! Is it snow ? " said Paul , rubbing his eyes in amazement . " Pilescu , I asked you to fly to Africa , not to the North Pole ! " " It 's fields and fields of clouds , " said Nora , looking with delight on the magnificent sight below them . " We are right above the clouds . Peggy , look - they seem almost solid enough to walk on ! " " Better not try it ! " said Mike . " Ranni , you might have waked us up when dawn came . Now we 've missed it . I say , I am hungry ! " became very busy at the back of the plane , where there was a proper little kitchen . Soon the smell of frying bacon and eggs , toast and coffee stole into the cabin . The children sniffed eagerly , looking down at the fields of cloud all the time , marvelling at their amazing beauty . there came a break in the clouds and the five children gave shouts of joy . " Look ! We are over a desert or something . Isn 't it queer ? " smooth - looking desert gave way to mountains , and then to plains again . It was most exciting to watch . " Over Africa , " said Ranni , serving bacon and eggs to everyone , and putting hot coffee into the cups . " Now eat well , for it is a long time to lunch - time ! " was a gorgeous meal , and most exciting . To think that they had their supper in London - and were having their breakfast over Africa ! Marvellous ! " Ranni will show you on the map , " said the pilot . " Soon we must go down to get more fuel . We are running short . You children are to stay hidden in the plane when we land on the airfield , for I do not want to be arrested for flying away with you ! " " We 'll hide all right ! " said Paul , excited . " Where is that map , Ranni ? Let us see it . Oh , how I wish I had done better at geography . I don 't seem to know anything about Africa at all . " unfolded a big map , and showed the children where Captain and Mrs . Arnold 's plane had been found . He showed them exactly where their own plane was too . " Golly ! It doesn 't look very far from here to where the White Swallow was found ! " cried Paul , running his finger over the map . laughed . " Further than you think , " he said . " Now look - we are nearing an airfield and must get fuel . Go to the back of the plane and hide under the pile of rugs there . " , whilst the plane circled lower to land , the five children snuggled under the rugs and luggage . They did hope they wouldn 't be found . It would be too dreadful to be sent back to London after coming so far . A Very Strange Countrynumber of men came running to meet the plane as it landed beautifully on the runway . Pilescu climbed out of the cockpit and left Ranni on guard inside . The children were all as quiet as mice . blue and silver plane was so magnificent that all the groundsmen ran round it , exclaiming . They had never seen such a beauty before . Two of them wanted to climb inside and examine it , but Ranni stood solidly at the entrance , his big body blocking the way . Pilescu spoke to the mechanics and soon the plane was taking in an enormous amount of fuel . " You see me and my companion here , " answered Pilescu shortly . man seemed satisfied , and walked round the plane admiring it . Pilescu took no notice of him , but began to look carefully into the engines of the plane . He noticed something was wrong and shouted to Ranni . " Come down here a minute and give me a hand . " Ranni stepped down the ladder and went to stand beside Pilescu . As quick as lightning one of the airfield men skipped up the ladder to the cockpit and peered inside the plane . so happened that Mike was peeping out to see if all was clear at that moment . He saw the man before the man saw him , and covered his face again , nudging the others to keep perfectly still . saw that the man had gone up to the cockpit and he shouted to him . " Come down ! No one is allowed inside our plane without permission . " " Then you must give me permission , " said the man , whose quick eye had seen the enormous pile of rugs at the back , and who wished to examine it . " We have had news that five children are missing from London , and there is a big reward offered from the King of Baronia if they are found . " muttered something under his breath and ran to where the mechanics had just finished refuelling the plane . He pushed them away and made sure nobody was still nearby . Ranni went up the steps in a trice , and tipped the inquisitive man down them . Pilescu leapt into the plane and slipped into the pilot 's seat like a fish sliding into water . was a good deal of shouting and calling , but Pilescu ignored it . He started the plane and it ran swiftly over the ground . With a crowd of angry men rushing after it , the plane taxied to the end of the field and then rose gently into the air . Pilescu gave a short laugh . " Now it will be known everywhere that we have the children on board . Get them out , Ranni . They were very good and they must be half smothered under those rugs . " five children were already crawling out , excited to think of their narrow escape . " It wouldn 't be any use , " said Ranni , with a grin . " This is the fastest plane on the airfield . No - don 't worry . You are all right now . But we must try to find the place where the White Swallow came down , for we do not want to land on any more airfields at the moment . " day went on , and the children found it very thrilling to look out of the windows and see the mountains , rivers , valleys and plains slipping away below them . They longed to go down and explore them . It was wonderful to be over a strange land , and see it spread out below like a great map . the late afternoon , as the children were eating sweet biscuits and chocolate , and drinking lemonade , which by some miracle Ranni had iced , Pilescu gave a shout . and he put their heads together over the map , and the two men spoke excitedly in their own language . Paul listened , his eyes gleaming . " They say that we are getting near the place where the White Swallow came down , " said Paul . " Ranni says he had been in this part of the country before . He was sent to get animals for our Baronian Zoo , and he knows the people . He says they live in tiny villages , far from any towns and they keep to themselves so that few others know them . " plane flew more slowly and went down lower . Ranni searched the ground below them carefully as the plane flew round in big circles . it was Mike who first saw what they were all eagerly looking for ! He gave such a shout that the girls nearly fell off their seats , and Ranni turned round with a jump , half - expecting to see one of the children falling out of the plane ! " Ranni ! Look - there 's the White Swallow ! Oh , look - oh , we 've passed it ! Pilescu , Pilescu , go back ! I tell you I saw the White Swallow ! " boy was so excited that he shook big Ranni hard by the shoulder , and would have done the same to the pilot except that he had been warned not to touch Pilescu when he was flying the machine . Ranni looked back , and gave directions to Pilescu . a trice the plane circled back and was soon over the exact place where the gleaming white plane stood still and silent . The children gazed at it . To think that they were looking at the very same plane they had waved good - bye to some weeks before - but this time the two famous pilots were not there to wave back . " I can 't land very near to it , " said Pilescu . " I don 't know how Captain Arnold managed to land there without crashing . He must be a very clever pilot . " " I shall land on that smooth - looking bit of ground over there , " said Pilescu , flying the plane lower . " We may bump a bit , children , because there are rocks there . Get ready for a jolt ! " plane flew even lower . Then Pilescu found that he could not land with safety , and he rose into the air again . He circled round once more and then went down . This time he let down the wheels of the plane and they touched the ground . One ran over a rock and the plane tilted sideways . For one moment everyone thought that it was going over , and Pilescu turned pale . He did not want to crash in the middle of an unknown country ! the plane was marvellously built and balanced and it righted itself . All the children had been thrown roughly about in their seats , and everything in the cabin had slid to one side . the five children soon sorted themselves out , too excited even to look for bruises . They rushed to the door of the cockpit , each eager to be out first . Ranni shouted to them . " Stay where you are . I must go out first to see what there is to be seen . " stopped the engines , and the big throbbing noise died away . It seemed strange to the children when it stopped . Everything was so quiet , and their voices seemed suddenly loud . It took them a little time to stop shouting at one another , for they always had to raise their voices when they were flying . got out of the cockpit , his gun handy . No one appeared to be in sight . They had landed on rough ground , strewn with boulders , and it was really a miracle that they had landed so well . To the left , about two miles away , a range of mountains rose . To the right was a plain , dotted with trees that the children did not know . Small hills lay in the other directions . " Everything looks very strange , doesn 't it ? " said Mike . " Look at those funny red - brown daisies over there . And even the grass is different ! " " So are the birds , " said Peggy , watching a brilliant red and yellow bird chasing a large fly . A green and orange bird flew round the plane , and a flock of bright blue birds passed overhead . They were not a bit like any of the birds that the children knew so well at home . " Can we get out , Ranni ? " called Mike , who was simply longing to explore . Ranni nodded . He could see no one about at all . All the five children rushed out of the plane and jumped to the ground . It was lovely to feel it beneath their feet again . " Well , I jolly well hope it doesn 't , " said Jack . " I don 't want an earthquake just at present . " sun was very hot . Pilescu got out some marvellous sun - hats for the five children and for himself and Ranni too . They had a sort of veil hanging down from the back to protect their spines from the sun . None of them were wearing very many clothes , but even so they felt very hot . " I 'm jolly thirsty , " said Mike , mopping his head . " Let 's have a drink , Ranni . " all drank lemonade , sitting in the shade of the plane . The sun was now getting low , and Pilescu looked at the time . " There 's nothing more we can do today , " he said . " Tomorrow we will find some local people and see what we can get out of them by questioning them . Ranni thinks he can make them understand , for he picked up some of their language when he was here hunting animals for the Baronian Zoo . " " There won 't be time - the sun is setting already , " said Ranni . As he spoke the sun disappeared over the horizon , and darkness fell around almost at once . The children were surprised . " Day went into night , and there was no evening , " said Nora , looking round . " The stars are out , look ! Oh , Mike - Jack - aren 't they enormous ? " they were . They seemed far bigger and brighter than at home . The children sat and looked at them , feeling almost afraid of their strange beauty . Nora yawned . It was such an enormous yawn that it set everyone else yawning too , even big Ranni ! Pilescu laughed . " You had little sleep last night , " he said . " You must have plenty tonight . In this country we must get up very early whilst it is still cool , for we shall have to rest in the shade when the sun climbs high . So you had better go to sleep very soon after Ranni has given you supper . " " Well , Captain and Mrs . Arnold disappeared just here , didn 't they ? " said Pilescu solemnly . " I don 't want to wake up in the morning and find that we have disappeared too . I should just hate to go and look for myself ! " laughed - but the children felt a little queer too . Yes - this wasn 't nice , safe old England . This was a strange , unknown country , where queer , unexpected things might happen . They moved a little closer to red - bearded Pilescu . He suddenly seemed very safe and protective as he sat there in the starlight , as firm and solid as one of the big dark rocks around ! For Newsprovided a good meal , and Pilescu built a camp - fire , whose red glow was very comforting . " Wild animals will keep at a safe distance if we keep the fire going well , " said Pilescu , putting a pile of brushwood nearby . " Ranni or I will be keeping guard tonight , and we will have a fine fire going . " were spread around the fire , whose crackling made a very cheerful sound . The five children lay down , happy and excited . They had come to the right place - and now they were going to look for Captain and Mrs . Arnold . Adventures lay behind them , and even more exciting ones lay in front . " Only a night - bird calling , " said Ranni . " It will go on all night long , so you will have to get used to it . Lie down , Nora . If you are not asleep in two minutes I shall put you into the plane to sleep there by yourself . " was such a terrible threat that Nora lay down at once . It was a marvellous night . The little girl lay on her back looking up at the enormous , brilliant stars that hung like bright lamps in the velvet sky . All around her she heard strange bird and animal sounds . She was warm and comfortable and the fire at her feet crackled most comfortingly . She took a last look at big Ranni , who sat with his back to the plane , gun in hand , and then shut her eyes . " The children are all asleep , " said big Ranni to Pilescu in his own language . " I think we should not have brought them on this adventure , Pilescu . We do not know what will happen . And how shall we find Captain and Mrs . Arnold in this strange country ? It is like seeking for a nut on an apple tree ! " grunted . He was very tired , for he had flown the plane all the way , without letting Ranni help . Ranni was to watch three - quarters of the night , and Pilescu was to sleep - then he would take the rest of the watch . " We will see what tomorrow brings , " he said , his big red beard spreading over his chest as his head fell forward in sleep . And then another noise was added to the other night - sounds - for Pilescu snored . had a wonderful snore that rose and fell with his breathing . Ranni was afraid that he would wake up the children and he nudged him . Pilescu did not wake . He was too tired to stir . Jack awoke when he heard the new sound and sat up in alarm . He listened in amazement . " Ranni ! Ranni ! Some animal is snorting round our camp ! " he called . " Are you awake ? Can 't you hear him ? " smothered an enormous laugh . " Lie down , Jack , " he said . " It is only our good friend Pilescu . Maybe he snores like that to keep wild animals away . Even a lion might run from that noise ! " grinned and lay down again . Good gracious , Pilescu made a noise as loud as the aeroplane ! Well - almost , thought Jack , floating away into sleep again . kept watch most of the night . He saw shadowy shapes not far off , and knew them to be some kind of night - hunting animals . He watched the stars move down the sky . He smelt the fragrance of the wood burning on the fire , and sometimes he reached out his hand and threw some more into the heart of the leaping flames . little before dawn Ranni awoke Pilescu . The big Baronian yawned loudly and opened his eyes . At once he knew where he was . He spoke to Ranni , and then went for a short walk round the camp to stretch his legs and get wide awake . Ranni slept in his turn , his hand still on his gun . Pilescu watched the dawn come , and saw the whole country turn into silver and gold . When daylight was fully there he awoke everyone , for in such a hot country they must be astir early whilst the air was still cool . children were wild with excitement when they awoke and saw their strange surroundings . They ran round the camp , yelling and shouting , whilst Ranni cooked a delicious - smelling meal over the camp fire . " Hie , look ! Here 's a kind of little lake ! " shouted Jack . " Let 's wash in it . Ranni , Pilescu ! Could we bathe in this lake , do you think ? " " Not unless you want to be eaten by crocodiles , " said Ranni . gave a scream and tore back to the camp at top speed . Ranni grinned . He went to look at the lake . It was not much more than a pond , really . " This is all right , " he said . " There are no crocodiles here . All the same , you mustn 't bathe in it , for there may be slug - like things called leeches , which will fasten on to your legs and hurt you . Please remember to be very careful indeed in this strange country . Animals that you only see at the Zoo in England run wild here all over the place . " was rather an alarming idea to the two girls . They did a very hasty wash indeed , but the three boys splashed vigorously . The air was cool and delicious , and every one of the children felt as if they could run for miles . But they only ran to the camp beside the plane , for they were so hungry , and breakfast smelt so good . The hot coffee sent its smell out , and the frying bacon sizzled and crackled in the pan . " You haven 't used your eyes , " said Ranni , with a smile . " Look over there . " children looked in the direction to which he was pointing , where low hills lay . And they all saw at once what Ranni meant . " A spire of smoke ! " said Mike . " Yes - that means a fire - and fire means people . So that 's where you are going , Ranni ? Be careful , won 't you ? " " My gun and I will look after one another , " said big Ranni with a grin , and he tapped his pocket . " I shall not be back till nightfall , so be good whilst I am gone ! " set off soon after breakfast , carrying food with him . He wore his sun - hat , for the sun was now getting hot . The children watched him go . " Come , you children can wash these dishes in water from the pool , " called Pilescu . " Soon it will be too hot to do anything . Before it is , we must also find some firewood ready for tonight . " kept the children busy until the sun rose higher . Then when its rays beat down like fire , he made them get into the shade of the plane . Paul did not want to , for he enjoyed the heat , but Pilescu ordered him to go with the others . " Little Paul , I am in command now , " said the big Baronian , gently but sternly . " You are my lord , but I am your captain in this adventure . Do as I say . " " Paul , don 't be an idiot , or I 'll come and get you into the shade by the scruff of your neck , " called Mike . " If you get sunstroke , you 'll be ill and will have to be flown back to London at once . " trotted into the shade like a lamb . He lay down by the others . Soon they were so thirsty that Pilescu found himself continually getting in and out of the plane with supplies of cool lemonade from the little refrigerator there . children slept in the midday heat . Pilescu was sleepy too , but he kept guard on the little company , wondering how big Ranni was getting on . When the sun began to slip down the coppery sky , he mopped his brow and awoke the children . " There is some tinned fruit in the plane , " he told Nora . " Get it , and open the tins . It will be delicious to eat whilst we wait for the day to cool . " did not come back until the sun had set with the same suddenness as the day before . The children watched and waited impatiently for him , and lighted the bonfire early to guide him . was not worried , for he knew that , although the spire of smoke had looked fairly near , it was really far away - and he knew also that Ranni would not be able to walk far when the midday heat fell on the land like flames from a furnace . little company sat round the fire , and above them hung the big bright stars . They all watched for Ranni to return . " I do wonder if he will have any news , " said Nora impatiently . " Oh , Ranni , do hurry ! I simply can 't wait ! " she had to wait and so did everyone else . It was late before they heard the big Baronian shouting loudly to them . They all leapt up and trained their eyes to see him . " Hurry , Ranni , do hurry ! " big Baronian came up to the fire . He was tired and hot . He dropped down to the rugs and wiped his hot forehead . Pilescu gave him a jug of lemonade and he drank it all in one gulp . " Yes - I have . And strange news it is too , " said Ranni . " Give me some more sandwiches or biscuits , Pilescu , and I will tell my tale . Are you all safe and well ? " " Perfectly , " said Pilescu . " Now speak , Ranni . What is this strange news you bring ? " Ranni Tells A Queer Talelighted his pipe and puffed at it . Everyone waited for him to begin , wondering what he had to tell them . " I found a small camp , " said Ranni . " Not more than four or five men were there . They had been out hunting . When they saw me coming they all hid behind the rocks in terror . " " Well , I soon found out , " said Ranni . " I can speak their language a little , because I have hunted round about this country before , as you know . It seems that they thought I was one of the strange folk from the Secret Mountain . " " Somewhere not far from here is a strange mountain , " said Ranni . " It is called the Secret Mountain because for years a secret and strange tribe of people have made their home in the centre of it . They are not like the people round about at all . " " As far as I can make out their skins are a queer creamy - yellow , and their beards and hair are red , like Pilescu 's and mine . They are thin and tall , and their eyes are green . No one belonging to any other tribe is allowed to mix with them , and no one has ever found out the entrance into the Secret Mountain . " " Ranni ! This is a most wonderful story ! " cried Prince Paul , his eyes shining with excitement . " Is it really true ? Oh , do let 's go and find the secret mountain at once , this very minute ! " " Don 't be an idiot , Paul , " said Mike , giving him a push . The little Prince was very excitable , and Mike and Jack often had to stop him when he wanted to rush off at once and do something . " Be quiet and listen to Ranni . " " All the people that live anywhere near are afraid of the Folk of the Secret Mountain , " said Ranni . " They think that they are very fierce , and they do not come this way if they can possibly help it . When they saw me , with my red hair , they really thought I was a man from the Secret Mountain , and they were too terrified even to run away . " " Of course , " said Ranni . " They knew nothing - but tomorrow a man is coming to our camp here , who saw the White Swallow come down , and who may be able to tell us something . But I think , children , that there is no doubt that Captain and Mrs . Arnold were captured by the Folk of the Secret Mountain . We don 't know why - but I am sure they are there . " " We are going to look for our parents , " said Mike proudly . " Pilescu , this is the third great adventure we children have had , and I tell you we are all plucky and daring . We will not fly away and leave others to follow this adventure . " the children vowed and declared that they would not go with Ranni and Pilescu , and the two men looked at one another over the camp fire . " They are like a litter of tiger - cubs , " said Ranni in his own language to Pilescu . Paul laughed excitedly . He knew that Ranni wanted to follow the adventure himself , and that this meant that Paul too would be with him , for he would not leave his little master now . Paul turned to the other children . " It 's all right , " he said . " We shan 't go ! Ranni means to help us . " a long time that night the little camp talked over Ranni 's strange tale . Where was the Secret Mountain ? Who were the strange red - haired people who lived there ? Why had they captured Captain and Mrs . Arnold ? How in the world were the searchers to find the way into the mountain if not even the people round about know it ? For a long time all these questions were discussed again and again . Pilescu looked at his watch . " It is very late ! " he exclaimed . " Children , you must sleep . Ranni , I will keep watch tonight , for you must be very tired . " " Very well , " said Ranni . " You shall take the first half of the night and I will take the other . We can do nothing but wait until tomorrow , when the man who saw the White Swallow will come to talk to us . " soon all the camp was asleep , except Pilescu , who sat with his gun in hand , watching the moving animal - shapes that prowled some distance away , afraid to come nearer because of the fire . Pilescu loved an adventure as much as anyone , and he thought deeply about the Folk of the Secret Mountain , with their creamy - yellow skins , red hair and curious green eyes . big Baronian was brave and fierce , as were all the men from the far - off land of Baronia , where Paul 's father was king . He was afraid of nothing . The only thing he did not like was taking the five children into danger - but , as Ranni had said , they were like tiger - cubs , fierce and daring , and had already been through some astonishing adventures by themselves . came , and with it came the native who had seen the White Swallow come down . He was very tall , but with a sly and rather cruel face . Carrying three spears for him came a small , thin boy , with a sharp face and such a merry twinkle in his eyes that all the children liked him at once . " It 's his nephew , " said Ranni . " He is the naughty boy of the family , and is always running away , exploring the country by himself . Children of this tribe are not allowed to do this - they have to go with the hunters and be properly trained . This little chap is disobedient and wild , so his uncle has taken him in hand , as you see . " " I like the look of the boy , " said Jack . " But I don 't like the uncle at all . Ask him about the White Swallow , Ranni . See if he knows anything about Captain and Mrs . Arnold . " did not speak the man 's language very well , but he could understand it better . The man spoke a lot , waving his arms about , and almost acting the whole thing so that the children could nearly understand his story without understanding his words . " He says he was hunting not far from here , keeping a good look - out for any of the Secret Mountain Folk , when he heard the sky making a strange noise , " said Ranni . " He looked up , and saw a great white bird that said ' r - r - r - r - r - r - r - r , ' as loudly as a thunderstorm . " children shouted with laughter at this funny description of an aeroplane . Ranni could not help grinning , even though he knew the man had probably never seen a plane before , and went on with his translation . " He says the big white bird flew lower , and came down over there . He stayed behind his tree without moving . He thought the big white bird would see him and eat him . " everyone laughed . The tribesman grinned too , showing two rows of flashing white teeth . The little boy behind joined in the laughter , but stopped very suddenly when his uncle turned round and hit him hard on the side of the head . " Children of this tribe must not laugh if their elders are present , " said Ranni . " This man 's nephew must often get into serious trouble , I should think ! He looks as if he is on the point of giggling every minute ! " man went on with his story . He told how he had seen two people climb out of the big white bird , which amazed him very much . Then he saw something that frightened him even more than seeing the aeroplane and the pilots . He saw some of the Folk of the Secret Mountain , with their flaming red hair and pale skins ! had been so interested in the aeroplane that he had stayed watching behind his tree - but the sight of the Secret Mountain Folk had given him such a scare that his legs had come to life and he had run back towards his village . " So you didn 't see what happened to the White Bird people ? " asked Ranni , deeply disappointed . The man shook his head . The small boy watching , imitated him so perfectly that all the children laughed , disappointed though they were . man looked behind to see what everyone was smiling at and caught his nephew making faces . He strode over to him and knocked him down flat on the ground . The boy gave a yell , sat up and rubbed his head . " What a horrid fellow this man is , " said Pilescu in disgust . " Ranni , ask him if he can tell us the way to the Secret Mountain . " asked him . The man showed signs of fear as he answered . " Ask him if he will take us there , " said Pilescu . " Tell him we will pay him well if he does . " first the man shook his head firmly when Ranni asked him . But when Pilescu took a mirror from the cabin of the plane , and showed the man himself in it , making signs to him that he would give it to him as well , the man was tempted . " He thinks the mirror is wonderful . He is in the mirror as well as outside it , " translated Ranni with a grin . " He says it would be a good thing to have it , because then if he is hurt or wounded , it will not matter - the man inside the mirror , which is himself too , will be all right , and he will be him instead . " smiled to hear this . The man had never seen a mirror before , he had only caught sight of himself in pools . It seemed as if another himself was in the strange gleaming thing that the red - haired man was offering him . He stood in front of the mirror , making awful faces , and laughing . asked him again if he would show them the way to the Secret Mountain if he gave him the mirror . The man nodded . The mirror was too much for him . Why , he had never seen anything like it before . " Tell him we will start tomorrow at dawn , " said Pilescu . " I want to make sure that we have everything we need before we set off . Also I want to look at the engines of the White Swallow and our own plane to see that they are all ready to take off , should we find Captain and Mrs . Arnold , and want to leave in a hurry ! " children were in a great state of excitement . They hardly knew how to keep still that day , even when the great heat came down , and they had to lie in the shade , panting and thirsty . It was so exciting to think that they really were to set off the next morning to the strange Secret Mountain . " I 'm jolly glad Ranni and Pilescu are coming with us , " said Nora . " I do love adventures - but I can 't help feeling a little bit funny in the middle of me when I think of those strange folk that live in the middle of a forgotten mountain . Coming Of Mafumuand Ranni tinkered about with the White Swallow , which stood not very far off , and with their own plane most of the day . The children , of course , had thoroughly examined the White Swallow , feeling very sad to think that Captain and Mrs . Arnold had had to leave it so mysteriously . had thought that there might have been a note left to tell what had happened , but the children had found nothing at all . " That 's not to be wondered at , " said Pilescu . " If they had had time to write a note , they would have had time also to fly off in the plane ! As far as I can see there is nothing wrong with the White Swallow at all - though I can see where some small thing has been cleverly mended . It seems to me that Captain and Mrs . Arnold were taken by surprise and had not time to do anything at all . " " Ought we to leave anyone on guard ? " asked Mike . " Suppose we come back and find that the planes have been damaged ? " frowned . " We will lock them of course , but I don 't think anyone would damage them . I just hope a herd of elephants doesn 't come and trample through them ! We must just leave the planes and hope for the best . " had got ready big packages of food and a few warm clothes and rugs . Paul laughed when he saw the woollen jerseys . " If we go into the mountains it will be much cooler , " said Pilescu . " You may be glad of jerseys then . " day passed slowly by . The children thought it would never end . " Why is it that time always goes so slowly when you are looking forward to something lovely in the future ? " grumbled Mike . " Honestly , this day seems like a week . " it passed at last , and the sudden night - time came . Monkeys chattered somewhere around , and big frogs in the washing - pool set up their usual tremendous croaking . day , at dawn , their guide arrived , and behind him , as usual , came the little boy , his nephew , wearing his scanty shorts . The boy wore no hat at all , and the five children wondered why in the world he didn 't get sunstroke . " I suppose he 's coming too , " said Jack , pleased . " I wonder what his name is . Ask him , Ranni . " boy grinned and showed all his white teeth when Ranni shouted to him . Date : 2015 - 01 - 11 ; view : 158

Hermione decides to take Muggle Studies during her 7th year at Hogwarts . Something goes wrong during a class project and she ends up finding herself in the future married to Malfoy , and to make things worse they have a child together . Now they must find a way to get back before they get stuck in the future forever . Hermione walked grudgingly to the living room holding the pillow Malfoy shoved at her and a blanket she found in the hall closet . She should have known Malfoy wouldn 't have a chivalrous bone in his body . No they had to flip for the bed and just her luck , she lost , which meant now she would be sleeping on the sofa . Hermione walked into the living , staring at her temporary bed that she would be sleeping in . If she wasn 't mistaken the sofa looked a lot smaller than it did earlier that day . She arranged the pillow she had and the blanket , than laid down . Yep , just as she expected . When she laid down flat , her feet dangled over the edge . The creases in the cushions were digging in her back . She felt like she had no room to move or else she 'll roll over the end . This was going to be a long uncomfortable night , but she was so tired , she might as well try to get some sleep . After tossing and turning , trying to find the most comfortable position . Hermione finally fell asleep , only to be awakened by a cry . Hermione sat up and rubbed her eyes and rolled her shoulders trying to stretch out her achy joints . Standing up she padded softly down the hallway towards the nursery . Hermione glared at the door that led to the master bedroom . It was still shut , which meant Malfoy was asleep and didn 't hear Crissy or he didn 't care . She softly opened the door to the nursery , so she wouldn 't startled Crissy , who was fussing in her crib . " What 's wrong ? Can 't sleep ? " Crissy sniffled again and laid her head against her shoulder while sticking her thumb in her mouth to suck . " It 's okay , I couldn 't sleep either . " Hermione told her as she rubbed Crissy 's back to sooth her . " Mal … you 're father thought it was funny to make me sleep on the sofa . When you get older and you have a husband or a boyfriend and they make you sleep on the sofa instead of giving you the nice big comfy bed . Then my advice would be to dump them . A real man wouldn 't let the woman he loves or cares about sleep on the hard lumpy sofa . " Hermione smiled and kissed her head through her soft baby curls . She started humming as she continued to rub Crissy 's back . It just felt like the natural thing to do . At first it was just a random tune that she was humming . It soon turned into a song she remembered her mother used to sing to her when she was little and couldn 't sleep . And before she knew it , she was adding words to the song . Hermione wasn 't a singer by any means , but she could at least attempt to carry a tune . And she didn 't dare allow her voice to go above a whisper for fear Malfoy would hear . It would just be another thing to mock her about if he heard . Crissy didn 't seem to be complaining about her voice , so she didn 't bother stopping . Draco didn 't know what was wrong with him , and why he couldn 't sleep . He was in a huge , comfortable bed and yet as soon as Granger left the room he couldn 't sleep , kept tossing and turning . Surely he wasn 't feeling guilty over taking the bed from her , because he won fair and square . Maybe it was trying to sleep in a strange place ? But that didn 't make sense either , as long as he had a pillow under his head , he could sleep just about anywhere . It almost felt like something was missing . The bed was almost too big for one person that it felt empty with just himself in it . Which was madness because this is the same size bed he had back at the Malfoy Manor , and never once has he felt as if he were being swallowed whole in the bed . He ended up laying on his back staring up at the ceiling . Maybe sleep will eventually come if he became bored enough . But damn - it if he couldn 't stop thinking of Granger in that silk number she had on earlier that morning . She made a huge show of putting on a pair of ugly sweat pants and the baggiest t - shirt he 'd ever seen . It practically covered her from head to toe , the sweat pants weren 't even necessary . But then it would be as if she were wearing a dress or in this case a nightgown , which meant her legs would be bare and that meant it would give him easy access to … No damn - it ! He cursed ; he had to stop thinking about Granger and her legs . It was disturbing and he should be disgusted by it … but yet , he wasn 't and it was pissing him off . He tried to distract himself by thinking about his quidditch practice tomorrow . Draco wondered what it was going to be like . He hoped he wouldn 't foul anything up . He didn 't even know any of the plays or the players for that matter . He heard Crissy crying from her room . He wasn 't exactly sure what to do . Crissy didn 't sound like she was crying very hard . Maybe she will cry herself back to sleep ? When the crying didn 't stop he sat up getting ready to go check on her when he heard Granger 's voice . It sounded like she was in the room with him . But she was clearly talking to the baby . He turned on the bedside lamp and noticed that he was indeed alone in the room , but why did her voice sound so close , like she was right there ? He looked around to see if he could spot where the sound was coming from . He noticed a white plastic box . He picked it up and held it to his ear . That was it ; it was where the voices were coming from , like some sort of listening device . He heard Granger talking to Crissy and realized that she was talking about him . He listened to her rant on about how he made her sleep on the sofa and that he wasn 't man enough to let her have the bed . He smirked . So she was upset that she lost the coin toss ? Well winner 's keepers , losers weepers , or whatever that muggle saying was . He was about to go to the nursery himself and tell Granger to stop whining and also that he could hear every word that she was saying . Until she started singing . He didn 't realize it at first that it was Granger doing the singing , but then again it certainly wasn 't Crissy . He stopped and listened . All the teasing went out of him as he listened to her . Yeah , she probably had absolutely no idea that he could hear her from the bedroom . He couldn 't go in the nursery now and tease her about it , because then she would stop and probably blush like she always did . Then he would probably be held responsible if Crissy couldn 't go back to sleep . And we wasn 't that cruel , to deprive a baby from being able to sleep . Draco went back over to the bed and laid down lacing his hands behind his head and continued to listen . She wasn 't a musical genius or anything but she could carry a tune . He was trying to figure out the song she was singing . It sounded like a lullaby , but not one he was familiar with . It was something about finding a rainbow ? Or going over a rainbow ? He didn 't know and didn 't really care . He just liked listening to her voice . He shut his eyes and continued to listen , it was rather calming and he felt himself began to drift off to sleep . Soon the singing turned into a soft humming , and then eventually stopped altogether . Crissy must have finally went back to sleep , because he didn 't hear anything else after that . He too finally drifted off to sleep . Draco woke up early , anxious to start the day and go to his first quidditch practice . He got out of bed and went to the bathroom to grab a quick shower . Once he was finished he grabbed his Ballycastle Bats quidditch robes and bag , and then walked out the bedroom and into the living room . The place was quiet . He set his bag and robes on the dining table and creeped over to the sofa and peeked over . Hermione was sound asleep , with the blanket around her waist and her feet dangling over the edge . Her hair was loose , spreading out along her pillow , her lips slightly parted as she breathed evenly . She obviously didn 't know he was in the room , and the more he thought about it , the more he decided he needed to leave before she woke up and saw him staring at her . He heard giggling . Draco slowly opened the door and peeked inside . Crissy was sitting in her crib , playing with her dragon or Gus the 2nd as he liked to think of him , named after his own toy dragon he had as a boy . Ga - ga to Crissy though . He still had Gus somewhere hidden in the depths of his closet , probably back at the Manor . As he walked closer to her crib , he could tell right away that she needed a change in diaper . Damn , where was Granger when he needed her ? He picked Crissy up and took her over to the changing table . Trying to remember what Granger showed him the other day . ' Remember to keep Crissy distracted and entertained , so she doesn 't squirm all over the place . ' he remembered her mentioning . He made a face as he discarded the dirty diaper . Crissy giggled and stuck her hand in her mouth . Once he had her all cleaned and dressed , he picked her up . Walking out the door he nearly ran into Granger . " Oh sorry . " She said looking tired . " I was just going to go check on her . " She stepped out of the way so he could pass . She scowled at him . " You try sleeping on that sofa for a night and you 'd look and feel awful too . " She ran a hand through her curly hair . " Since you already taken care of her , do you think you can handle feeding her as well while I take a shower ? " she said yawning . " Oh right I forgot . Well I 'll make it quick . " Hermione began to walk passed him , but paused to run her hand through Crissy 's curls . " Morning Crissy . " Then continued to walk towards the bedroom . Draco tensed when Hermione got near , for some reason he thought she was about to reach out and touch him , but when her hand went to Crissy instead he found himself being … disappointed ? This didn 't make sense . He could smell the jasmine scent coming off her skin and it lingered in the hallway as she passed him . He shook his head trying to clear his bizarre thoughts and made his way into the kitchen to feed Crissy breakfast . Hermione felt awful . Why did they choose that sofa anyway ? It was the most uncomfortable piece of furniture she had ever laid on . She let the hot water run down her achy bones and sore muscles . Maybe she was getting sick . Her head hurt , she was exhausted but couldn 't sleep , she was hungry one minute and vomiting the next . She completely forgot that Malfoy had practice today , now she would have to take care of Crissy by herself . Which wouldn 't be a horrible thing . But it wouldn 't be easy especially if she 's sick . " No you never said it . But you got to admit that if you don 't know how to do something , you study books and other materials until you have it down pact . This is why most people dubbed you with the unfortunate nickname the ' know - it - all . ' " Hermione shrugged even though he wasn 't looking at her . " I don 't know . I guess I always saw myself working at the ministry or teaching maybe . " Draco placed the baby spoon in the now empty carrot jar and leaned back . " You can see yourself doing either of those things ? " he asked skeptically . " What is that supposed to mean ? What do you really want to do when you grow up ? " " I guess if I could have any dream job in the world . I would want to be a writer . And why are you all of sudden asking me all these personal questions anyway ? He raised his hands up . " Hey don 't get full of yourself Granger , and besides need I remind you , you started it . And by the way if you really want to know what you do for a living , you should go over to the bookshelf and look . " He said nodding towards the bookshelf in the living room . " What ? " Hermione walked over to the bookshelf and sure enough , there were eight novels sitting on the fourth shelf . " Oh my gosh , I can 't believe this . " She grinned and pulled one out to look at . Hermione flipped it over and read the back . It was a non - fiction novel . She had always wanted to be a novelist , always writing random creative stories . But she was always afraid to show them to people , afraid they wouldn 't like her writing . She flipped through the first couple of pages . She happened to flip to the dedication page . This book is dedicated to my love , Draco . She closed the book with a snap . That was weird . She put that book back and pulled out another and opened it . It was dedicated to him as well , not the same exact message , but one similar to it . " Right . " He said , sounding like he didn 't believe her . " Well I gotta get going . " " Okay well … have fun . " Hermione said walking back into the kitchen . She rolled her eyes . " I just thought that maybe we could attempt to be somewhat civilized towards each other . Since we 're stuck in this situation together . " " Yeah well I 'm not holding my breath either . " She mimicked his famous smirk back at him . " Just remember to watch what you say . I don 't think we should say anything to anyone about our situation until we know exactly what 's going on . " " Yeah , I 'll do my best , I don 't want anyone to think I 'm mad or anything . " He leaned in to kiss Crissy on the forehead . " Bye Princess , see you later . " Hermione was dumbstruck . She didn 't think she would ever see the day when Draco Malfoy would be openly affectionate towards something , without being crude . Yeah he held Crissy yesterday and played with her , but that was it . Even though it was just the three of them it was still weird … but sweet , to see him be so tender with her . She went over to clean the carrot mush that was all over Crissy face and fingers . Then went to the refrigerator to get breakfast for herself . She wasn 't terribly hungry , but she needed to eat something since she didn 't eat much the day before . She scanned the shelves , nothing looked or sounded good . Then her eyes landed on a jar of pickles . She hated pickles , but for some reason they were calling her name and she had the urge to try one . Hermione took the jar out and opened the lid . She pulled one out , thinking how she always hated the sour taste of them and couldn 't stand the slimy yet crunchy texture they had . She took a hesitant bite and rolled her eyes in ecstasy . It tasted like heaven . It was exactly what she had been craving all day . She popped the whole thing in her mouth , savoring it until the last bite . She then took another , then another . She didn 't know why she had never liked them before , now she was eating them as if they were candy . She took the jar with her as she looked through the cabinets . She noticed that they were getting short on food . The cereal box was more than half empty . The milk was almost gone . Crissy had only two baby food jars left . She looked down at her jar of pickles and noticed that they were all gone now too . And other various foods needed to be bought or replaced . Hermione set her now empty jar of pickles down and grabbed a notepad and pen and starting making a list of all the things they needed . Malfoy got to leave the house for the day , who says she couldn 't either . Crissy and her were going to make an outing to the grocery store today . She went ahead and added other various toiletries that were needed on the list as well . Once she had Crissy changed and ready to go , Hermione was about to leave when she remembered she needed some sort of diaper bag for Crissy in case she had an accident or needed something to eat and whatnot . She found a large back that had large pockets and lots of storage ; there were already extra diapers , baby wipes , baby powder , a pacifier , and toys to entertain her with inside it . So she went ahead and added some snacks and bottles of formula or juice to it as well . Then grabbed her purse , wand and grocery list . She was about to apparate out , but then thought differently . First she didn 't know exactly where they were or where the nearest store was . And second she couldn 't just apparate to a muggle store , especially if she didn 't know where she was going . And thirdly she has never apparated with a baby before , sure it was possible , but she was afraid to take that risk and what if Crissy didn 't like it ? Hermione walked out the kitchen through a door she hadn 't been through before . This certainly looked like your everyday muggle house , surely it had a garage attached to it and maybe even a car . She walked in to what appeared to be the laundry room and on the other side it led to the garage , just as she expected . She walked in and found that they had two cars . One was a black sports car , most likely that was Malfoy 's , if he even knew how to drive . She highly doubted it . The other car was a minivan . It figures , once you become a parent , sometimes you have to give up style in order to be practical . She just prayed that the van had a car seat for Crissy . Once Crissy was buckled in , Hermione grabbed the keys and made sure she had money for groceries and did a double check to make sure she didn 't miss anything . And just to be safe she jotted down their address , just in case they got lost along the way or coming back . It turned out that they actually lived in a neighborhood , where they had actual neighbors , instead of being in the middle of nowhere . But fortunately the houses weren 't that close together , giving them enough space for privacy , but not being completely isolated either . The store wasn 't far and she managed to get everything on her list . She also shamefully got five more jars of pickles … they were on sale and that 's the story she was sticking with . By the time they got back home , it was time for Crissy 's nap . Once Hermione finally got her to sleep , she went back to the kitchen to make herself a ham sandwich for lunch . She took the sandwich with a side of pickles into the living room and flipped on the telly , keeping the volume down so she wouldn 't wake Crissy . Hermione sat down in one of the arm chairs in the room , not wanting to sit on the sofa until she absolutely had to . She took a bite of her sandwich and tried to swallow it , but couldn 't . She had to spit it out . It tasted horrible , like the meat went bad and was rotten . She took the top piece of bread off and hesitantly took a whiff of the meat . It smelled fine , but tasted awful . She took a small piece of ham and ate it , forcing herself to swallow it , which was a big mistake . He stomach rolled . She sat her plate on the coffee table , and braced her hands on her knees trying to breathe through her nose , to ease her queasiness . She was feeling fine only seconds ago . Maybe she was having a bad reaction to the pickles that she practically inhaled for breakfast . She stood quickly and made her way to the bathroom , getting that panicky feeling that she gets when she 's about to vomit , but doesn 't want to . Hermione went to the dining table where the pile of books were still sitting . She sorted through them trying to find one to study , nothing really looked interesting . At the bottom of the pile she found one book called , What to Expect when you 're Expecting . What would a book like that be in this pile of parenting books ? They already had Crissy , why would they need a book on pregnancy ? She couldn 't be pregnant again … could she ? There was no way that she could be pregnant with Malfoy 's baby . It was too weird to think about . The random bouts of sickness were nothing , just food poisoning or the flu … not morning sickness . She ran a hand down her flat belly . Yeah it was absolutely impossible . She put the book back in the bottom of the pile so she wouldn 't see it . She didn 't know what to expect here , and she felt totally unprepared which scared the hell out of here . She grabbed a glass of water and some crackers to nibble on . Maybe it will help settle her stomach . She watched some more TV just trying to relax . She was about to fall asleep when she heard Crissy getting fussy . Hermione went and got Crissy and brought her into the kitchen . She put her in her highchair so she could feed her a snack . She went and got some cereal and poured a few pieces onto her tray to nibble on , and filled one of her bottles with some juice . Hermione decided that even though it was still fairly early , that she would start preparing something for dinner . She had no idea what time Malfoy would be back , but surely he would be back before nightfall . She decided to make pot roast , because it took time cook and frankly it was one of the only things she knew how to make . Give her a potions assignment any day , but cooking was a different story . Once she put everything together , she put it in the oven to cook it low and slow and set the timer . It was such a nice day out . Hermione decided to spend some time outdoors while they waited for dinner to cook . They had a really spacious fenced in backyard , with flowerbeds full of colorful blooming flowers . She made sure Crissy 's fair skin would be protected from the late afternoon sun , so she slathered on some sunblock and made sure Crissy wore a hat . Hermione changed into a tank top and some shorts ; she secured her hair up in a knot so it was off her neck . She found an old blanket and brought it out to lie on , along with some of Crissy 's toys including her dragon and Hermione picked up on of the novels she wrote to read as well as some parchment and a quill so she could brainstorm more ideas on how they got here in the first place , and what options they had to try to get back . It was just the right temperature outside , not to hot and not too chilly . She loved this backyard . She could picture someday having a children 's playground set off to the side , or maybe a tree house or a tire swing on the giant oak tree that shaded half the yard . Hermione gave up on trying to think , she was getting to distracted so she laid on her back on the blanket in the shade of the tree as she watched Crissy play with a set of alphabet blocks . Draco was exhausted after practice . Fortunately practice was held just like he was used to at Hogwarts on the Slytherins team . Running drills over and over , conditioning , building up strength , flying laps at different speeds . Luckily the team was learning a new play so he wasn 't the only one who was a little lost when they practiced strategies . He already knew some of his teammates from watching them play on the Ballycastle Bats from years before , most he 's never seen or heard of before . Thank Merlin each teammate had their last name printed on their robes otherwise he would have been calling everyone by ' hey you . ' He was ready to get home and take a nice hot shower . Home , he never thought of that word as being something special . Home was just a place he lived , where his father lived . In a cold , dark , dank manor . But thinking of home now , meant something more , something warm and inviting , a place he actually could see himself enjoying being at . He shook his head to clear it . The home he was thinking about was fake , make believe . A place where Granger was at , which was rubbish . If he had any say in this he would want to go home to someone who was … well someone who wasn 't Granger or someone who wasn 't everything he had been taught to hate . Damn - it he didn 't want to think about any of this , he just wanted to get back , take a shower and eat a nice dinner . Although he was excited to see Crissy . He never pictured himself having children or even liking them . Yet he wasn 't sure why but that curly haired bundled brought a smile to his face every time he saw her or thought of her . He apparated , picturing their midsize kitchen inside their moderate house . Draco arrived with a pop . He could smell something strange , like a burning smell . He looked around , nothing was on fire . He was about to call out for Granger when he saw her through the window lying out under a large oak tree . Crissy was crawling besides her with a look of joy upon her face as she was giggling . Granger 's legs and arms were bare , reminding him of how she looked when they awakened the other day . Her feet were bare too and for some reason he found that very appealing . Her hair was piled up in a knot on top her head . He forgotten how many times his fingers twitched to remove the clip keeping her hair in place . He didn 't understand why she kept her hair so long only to tie it back . He stepped out the door leading to the backyard . Granger was now lying on her side , facing away from him so she didn 't see him enter the backyard . He could hear her playing peek - a - boo with Crissy . Crissy climbed on top of Granger , holding onto her waist for balance . He could hear Granger 's laughter as she encouraged Crissy to stand up as she help supported her with her hand . She became alert . " Oh no the roast . I opened the windows so I would hear the timer go off . Will you watch her for a second ? " Hermione said standing up and ran bare foot across the lawn into the house . " I don 't care , just something edible if you don 't mind . " Draco said setting Crissy in her play - pin . " You can choose . Meanwhile I 'm going to take a shower . " He walked down the hall towards the bedroom . I think I liked it better when he wasn 't here , Hermione thought to herself . What did she feel like eating tonight ? She went over to the kitchen counter and looked through a pile of takeout menus they 've collected over the years . A Chinese takeout menu was on top and her stomach growled in hunger . Chinese it is then . Luckily they delivered , so she didn 't have to leave . She found a telephone and dialed their number . While it rang she looked over the menu , thinking just about everything sounded good . After she hung up , she realized that she ordered enough food to feed a family of five if not more . But in her defense , she was really hungry and she barely had anything to eat for lunch . And she didn 't know what Malfoy liked or didn 't like , so she needed options . As she waited for the food to arrive , she discarded the burnt pot roast . Then started preparing Crissy 's dinner . She looked around for her purse to pay the delivery man . It wasn 't in the kitchen or the living room . She then realized that she left it in the bedroom when she went and changed clothes earlier . The delivery man was due any moment and Malfoy was taking a shower . Maybe she could just run in there really fast , grab her purse and get out . She made sure Crissy would be okay as she ran to the bedroom for a few seconds . She walked down the hallway towards the bedroom . The door was shut and she wasn 't sure if she should knock or just walk in . she pressed her ear to the door and listened for any sound . She didn 't hear anything so maybe he was still in the shower . She opened the door slowly , calling out to Malfoy telling him she needed her purse . No one answered so she peeked her head through the door and looked around . He was still in the bathroom , thank god . She walked into the room , looking around for her purse . She spotted it sitting on top the dresser next to the bathroom door . She rushed over to get it just as Malfoy stepped out of the bathroom door , wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist . Hermione tripped over her own feet and her body pitched forward , nearly colliding into him . Draco reached out just in time and caught her around her arms . His hands easily fit around her arms and his strength easily kept her from falling . The second his hands touched her bare skin , electric sizzles shot down her limbs all the way to the tips of her toes . Goosebumps raised on her skin against the warmth coming from his hands . Her nose was only inches away from his bare chest . It took everything in her power not to inhale his spicy scent , which was only more intense against his damp skin . If she wasn 't mistaken , she could have sworn that his voice sounded huskier , but then again she couldn 't hear much except the pounding of her heart . " S … sorry . I um … I just uh needed to get my purse . " She straighten up and looked everywhere except at him . " Okay … " he drawled out . She could practically hear the smirk in his voice as he let go of her arms . She suddenly felt disappointed that he was no longer touching her . This was crazy and stupid . Draco stepped away from her and she reached and grabbed her purse just as the doorbell rang . Shutting the door behind her she could hear Malfoy laughing . Merlin she was so lame . It not like she hadn 't seen him undressed before . Just yesterday morning she woke up to him wearing nothing but boxers . He probably thought she was some blushing , inexperienced school girl … which okay she was , but he would never find out just how inexperienced she is . She paid the delivery man and took the food into the dining room . Removing the food containers out of the bag , when Malfoy came in thankfully wearing a t - shirt and jeans , his feet were bare . He picked Crissy up out of her play - pin and set her in her highchair , which Hermione moved closer to the table . Damn - it , now he felt guilty . " Relax Granger . I was just joking . Eat as much as you want , the fewer leftovers we have the better . I wasn 't trying to make a jab at your eating habits or calling you fat or anything . I never pictured you as one of those girls who get self - conscious about what and how much they eat . " " I 'm not . I didn 't really eat lunch today and I guess I was hungrier then I thought I was . But I 'm full now . " She said gathering up the empty food containers . " How did you 're practice go ? " she asked obviously trying to take the attention off her . He went along with it , not really interested in learning about Grangers eating habits anyway . " Fine . It was a lot similar to practicing at Hogwarts on the house teams . So it was pretty easy to get into the swing of things . " Hermione laid the spoon she was feeding Crissy with on her tray . Crissy choose that moment to pick up the spoon and fling her little arms about tapping the spoon against her tray . Making loud tapping noises with it . Unfortunately as she did that , Crissy managed to splatter smashed peas in her hair and all over her arms . Draco nodded . " Yah you 're probably right . " He said taking the empty food containers and putting them in the trash . " How do we do that ? " he asked . He was so close to her she could feel his breath on the back of her neck , causing the goose bumps to raise up on her skin . She shut the door and side stepped out of his personal space . What was wrong with her ? She couldn 't get within six inches from him without her body reacting in some way . He apparently was completely oblivious of her reactions to him , for he went over and picked up Crissy . Once Hermione finished cleaning the kitchen from their dinner she followed Malfoy into the bathroom next to Crissy 's nursery . It was clearly the place where they bathed her before since the tub was full of bath toys . Draco took Crissy into the nursery to remove her clothes and diaper , while Hermione filled the tub with water . She needed to make sure that the water wasn 't too hot or too cold . Draco walked in with a naked Crissy in his arms . Hermione couldn 't help but grin at the sight of Malfoy holding a naked baby . It was so … cute . Crissy blinked up at him with her large chocolate brown , then gave him a goofy grin and reached out and grabbed his nose and giggled . He smiled and shook his head laughing . It was the first time Hermione had seen Malfoy truly smile without his infamous smirk . He actually had dimples in each cheek when he smiled like that . And she found herself really enjoying the sound of his laugh , when he wasn 't being mean or condescending . Which is what she normally heard in his laughter , this was different , it was full of joy and happiness . Once she had her , Hermione lowered her into the warm water . Draco kneeled down next to Hermione on the floor to help support Crissy so she wouldn 't fall over . Crissy grabbed a rubber ducky that was floating next to her and began to chew on it , while kicking her legs in the water making it splash . Hermione grabbed the baby soap and began to lather it into a soft washcloth . While Draco distracted Crissy by entertaining her with her toys . Crissy slapped her hands against the water , splashing everything around her as she giggled . Draco was no help at all ; in fact he was encouraging Crissy to splash the water . " Me ? She 's having fun . How is that setting a bad example ? " He dipped his hand in the water and purposely flicked the water on his fingertips in Hermione 's face . Before she thought better of it , she threw the water soaked soapy washcloth at his face . It slipped down his face and onto his shirt leaving a wet trail . A look of stunned shock came across his face and Hermione couldn 't help but laugh . His stunned expression turned into a smirk . Draco watched as Hermione gently lathered Crissy 's hair with shampoo . Her cheeks were rosy from the laughter they shared . The steam from the water made the wisps of hair around her nape curl at the ends . And her skin almost had a kind of glow about it , making her eyes stand out . She bit her lip in concentration . All the laughter left him as he continued to stare at her face and more specifically her mouth . Hermione carefully poured water over her head from a cup . Crissy didn 't like that very much and started to squirm and fuss , trying to get out of the way . Hermione leaned forward and Draco did as well trying to still Crissy . Hermione held a hand against Crissy 's chest to hold her still . And Draco managed to rinse out the rest of the shampoo . Draco was well aware of how close Granger was to him . He could feel her hair tickling beneath his chin . He suspected that she didn 't realize yet just how much she was in his personal space . He could smell the jasmine scent coming either from her shampoo or perfume , he couldn 't tell . He should move back , but he couldn 't bring himself to do that . He still didn 't move . Instead he glanced down at her lips again . All he had to do was lower his head an inch and he would be kissing her . She pulled back quickly . " Um … I 'm … uh I 'll just get a towel . " She stuttered and stood up and walked out the bathroom probably so she could run away from him . At least he knew she felt something there as well . But it was probably fortunate that she ran away . It was the smart thing to do . She wasn 't right for him and the last thing he needed was to get involved with her . He reached inside the tub to pull the drain . Then scrubbed a hand down his face . AN : Okay just another reminder . For those who have been with me following my story from the very beginning , or who have already read chapters 1 - 9 , I just want to let you know that I 've made some changes to the story . Instead of this being a project that the teachers assigns them , it was an accident that lands Hermione and Draco in the future , and they have no idea how they got there or how to get back . To make it less confusing , you might have to reread from the very beginning starting from chapter 1 . . . in case you haven 't already . Let me know what you think and as always please keep reading and reviewing . . . I love getting all of your feedback .

Stephanie stepped over and slipped her arm around her Mom 's waist and pulled her into half a hug . " I just want to see you happy , and I hate to see you alone or lonely , especially when I 'm gone . You are still a very good looking woman , and there is no reason you should be alone . " Mary put two cups of water into the microwave to heat for tea , a sure sign she wanted to talk . Neither was hungry , having picked up a sandwich on the way home . " Are you sure it isn 't just a crush ? As I remember you have had a crush on him for forever . " Stephanie sat down at one of the kitchen chairs and rested her arms on the table and thought for a moment before answering . " I know I used to have a crush on him , and I longed for any notice from him at all , and if he talked to me I was on cloud nine until he talked to another girl and then I was depressed , but now it 's different . If anything it 's stronger than before , except I don 't worry if he talks to others , because I know he 's mine , and he 's mine because he wants to be . I knew I was falling for him before , but after the accident , when he showed me how much he really cared about me and took care of me , well , it just cemented things , and nothing can change it . Do you know he carried me up and down the stairs because I was sore ? The first night I really needed it , but after that it was just nice not having to climb them when it hurt . " " I saw the way he treated his sister , and I was almost jealous , but then I got to thinking he treats her that way because he loves her , and he will do the same thing for me . I love the way he and his Mom get along , too . I 've heard it said the way to tell how a guy will treat you is to see how he treats his mother . If that is true I 'll be in good shape , and she will be a good mother - in - law . " Mary set the tea cups on the table along with a fresh lemon and pitcher of milk before sitting down with her daughter . " So you 're planning your marriage already ? Does Justin know it ? " " I know . Before the wreck , well , that was puppy love , but since then it 's gotten so much stronger and closer . How did you and Daddy know ? " " Oh my ! That seems like a long time ago , but really it wasn 't all that long . At first we couldn 't stand each other , but over a period of time something happened and we just meshed . Neither of us planned it or tried to make it happen , but we just ended up together at different functions with our friends and things , and we were seated next to each other in three classes our Senior year , so we couldn 't get away from each other . The next thing you know we got to really know each other and found our preconceived notions were all wrong . We realized we had strong feelings for each other before we even started dating , and it didn 't take us long before we knew . We loved each other so much it hurt to be apart . " " Oh yes ! Yes , yes , a thousand times yes ! I thought I would die when he was killed , but I had you , and I poured myself into taking care of you , and I made it . Even now there isn 't a single day I don 't think of him and miss him terribly . " " Mom , can I ask you something very personal ? " Mary blushed also , and also looked down at her hands before looking back up and looking her daughter in the eye . " No , honey , we didn 't . I 'm not saying it was right , or that you should give yourself away before you marry , but no , we didn 't wait . We knew we were going to marry , and I never had anyone else but him , well before Paul , that is . " Mary shook her head in disgust at that thought . " Is he pressing you for sex ? " Mary reached across the table and placed her hand on her daughter 's . " I 'm not giving you permission , mind you , but I understand if you do . Just be very , very sure . It isn 't something you can give away more than once , and you can be hurt very badly if it doesn 't work out between you two . " " I know . That 's what I really love about you . Some of the girls at school don 't have a Mom as cool as you , and they don 't have anyone to talk with about things . I 'm lucky ! " Steph lifted her mom 's hand to her cheek and hugged it to her . " I really hope you and Dr . Meechum get together . I think he 's cool ! " Rosemary and I hurried into the house when we got back . Both of us were excited to find the missing door . I went through the first floor door and up the ladder to the second floor where I turned on the floodlight and began searching . Not only could I not identify the door itself , I had trouble finding the release ! Whoever built this was indeed a master craftsman ! I haven 't seen this level of workmanship anywhere else . I examined all of the plank ends on the side of the hatch to no avail . Just as I was about to give up and decide the house was different than the carriage house I looked at the adjacent side , behind the ladder , and there it was . Once again , it was not where we expected it . I called Rosemary on her cell and told her to switch rooms and waited for her to get into the right place before I pulled on the latch . Surprise of all surprises , the door was a wall that had built in changing table in a little alcove changing area in one of the bedrooms . The door pivoted smoothly and silently on its pivot and I stepped into the room . " Stephanie and I just changed rooms ! I wondered how we were going to be able to get together with you without causing comments . Steph could get away with it , but I wasn 't sure how it would work for me . Now we can have you whenever we want you ! " She gave me a devilish grin . " You 'd better eat your Wheaties or whatever you need to keep you going , big brother . Between the two of us you 're going to need it ! " She stepped into me and gave me a hug and a kiss . I knew right away she hadn 't wasted time while I was looking for the latch release on the other side . Her bra had come off , and oh , did it feel nice ! I nodded agreement , but took time to spin Rosemary around and hug her from the back so I could get a good feel of her breasts and tweak her nipples first . She broke away from me giggling and walked over to the changing table and started looking for something that could work as a latch . Each side wall had a wooden board with three pegs for hanging garments . I tried turning the pegs and pulling down on them , but nothing worked . The one on the left wall though released the door when I lifted upward on the pegs , pulling the bottom of the board up and out just a bit . I stepped through the door first and untied the floodlight and lowered it carefully to rest on the floor two levels below before climbing the ladder downward , with Rosemary right behind me . Once down the ladder I picked up the light and led the way through the lower office as I had taken to thinking of it . Rosemary grabbed my hand as we started down the other passageway . We stopped and I showed her the two Southern Pacific chests that we expected to contain the $ 50 , 000 in gold coins . I didn 't think it would hurt to move the tarpaulins . This wasn 't part of the crime scene as such , or so I told myself , but there was nothing else of interest in the alcove . We shone the light on down the passage , but all we could see was that it turned to the left in about ten feet . A heavy , very solid door faced us , with an iron bar across it padlocked securely in place . " Hey Grandpa . Sorry to bug you right after you got home , but I wanted you to know what we found in the basement . Rosemary and I went down the other passageway , and found a heavy door with a big padlock on an iron bar holding it closed . I have an idea Sam Johnson has the key in his pocket or in the desk . Do we have to wait until tomorrow to check ? " " I 'd like to know what 's in there just as much as you would , but we have to follow procedure . We have an appointment with the Sheriff himself at 10 : 00 tomorrow . He 'll have the photographer and a detective with him . I asked him to keep it quiet as possible , and to limit the number of people he brings , but he 's a politician first , and a law officer second , so Lord only knows who all he 'll bring ! Any items in his pockets won 't be needed , so we can get it then . " " You kids ! All you think about is eating ! Better make it 5 : 45 , then . We want to be sure to have it set up the way we want before the Sheriff gets there . There 's no point in letting anyone else know how to get in there . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Michael called Susie when he was about half way back to Tucson just to touch base with her since he had not seen her all day , or Saturday either for that matter . " Hi there , Little One . What 's going on with you today ? I 've missed you terribly ! " " Hi , Mikey ! Daddy and I have just been out running around in the Sprite . I 'm trying to talk him into letting me take it to school next year , but I don 't have him convinced yet . He says I 'd just use it to try to pick up guys , but I told him there is only room for you in it . " " Good . Keep it that way . I had to run some errands up in Phoenix and had lunch with the folks . Mom says ' Hi . ' I also picked up my tux for Friday . Say ' Hi ' to your Dad for me , and you two have fun . " " Oh , we are . I 'm glad Mommy doesn 't like riding in this car , cause then I get to . We picked up some fudge up on Mt . Lemmon , and if you come by the house I 'll let you have a piece , but you 'd better hurry before I have it all gone . " Michael laughed , " Sure , I 'll come by , but you 'd better save me a piece . I 'll see you in a little bit . Love you ! " We had done about all we could do for the day other than find the outside entrance from the carriage house , but I was about ready for a break from things for a little while . After making certain everything was shipshape downstairs Rosemary and I started back up the ladder to go home . Rosemary was ahead of me , and as I looked up her ass certainly looked fine ! She glanced down about the time I looked up and saw where I was looking and grinned at me as she wiggled it back and forth a bit . We carefully closed the door to what was now her room and made our way down the front stairs . Rosemary grabbed my hand as we descended . " You know I still like to pretend this is just our house , and that we live here together , just you and me . " She sighed and leaned into me . " I know , I 'm just a silly girl , but I 'm a silly girl who happens to be in love with her brother , as awful as that sounds . " " I don 't think it sounds awful at all . I love you , too . I wouldn 't mind a bit living here with just you . You would grace a house like this very well ! " " Thank you . That was sweet . " She stopped under the rose in the foyer and turned her face up to me for a kiss . " I still say this is better than mistletoe . " Our kiss went from just a little peck on the lips to a deep tongue wrestling duel that left us panting and me hard in moments . She does that to me ! She led me into the library and over to the desk . " This time it 's your turn ! " Quickly she unsnapped my shorts and slipped them down . " Sit up on the desk . " As soon as I sat on the edge she dropped to her knees in front of me and grabbed my cock . Her eyes were locked on mine as she slowly slipped the head of my cock between her lips and fluttered her tongue over the end . " I 've been thinking about doing this all day , ever since you ate me out this morning , " she said as she stroked the end of my shaft with her thumb , spreading around her saliva . Slowly she slipped my cock back into her velvety mouth and began humming on it as her tongue stroked across the bottom . I felt myself stirring within and knew this was not going to last long . Even though we had done nothing sexual to speak of all day after this morning 's hi - jinks , the sexual tension between us and the arousal from waking up with her and then bathing together had me quite built up . I couldn 't help myself . I just had to see her . I reached down and pulled up her tee shirt , causing her to pull off of me momentarily as I slipped it over her head . I 'll never tire of looking at her magnificent breasts , especially when the nipples are all puckered up and poking out from arousal . I could just reach them to tweak and roll them in my fingers , which I did and generated a moan from her that went right to my core . It wasn 't but a few minutes and I spewed my seed into her mouth , overflowing it just a little bit . As she gently sucked and licked the last little bit from my cock I ran my fingers through her red - gold hair that I loved so much , and caressed her head . There is no doubt I love my sister ! Nor is there any doubt she loves me . It isn 't all about the sex , either . The sex is just an expression of that love , and we each do all we can to make it best for the other . Maybe that sounds sappy , but that is the way it was , and is for that matter . Mom called us as we were leaving , and I 'm so glad it wasn 't ten minutes before . " Justin ? Your Dad called just a few minutes ago , and he would like me to fly out to LA tonight . I hate to run off and leave you kids again . Can you get along until Wednesday if I go ? " " No problem , Mom . You and Dad have fun . We 'll be fine . I 'll tell Rosemary it 's my turn to have all of the girls over , since she had all the boys over last time . " Mom laughed , as I knew she would . " Thanks , Justin . Somehow or another , your Dad got tickets to a movie premier , and no I don 't know which one , but I 'd really like to go . I 'll probably be gone by the time you get here . I 've already called for a taxi to the airport . Love you kids ! " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Michael , Rosemary , and I were sitting in Grandpa 's driveway at 5 : 30 in the morning . I knew he would see us out there , but I wanted to let him know I waited fifteen minutes for him to get moving this morning . It 's not often I get to pull his leg , and I wanted to enjoy it today . Someone being late for an appointment or having to wait for anything was a real bugaboo to him , and I knew he would see the humor . He wasn 't going to have any of it this morning though . He opened the door and stuck his head out . " Well , since you are here on time for a change you have time for a cup of coffee before we go . Michael , I have a glass of orange juice poured for you . " All I could do was shake my head . You have to get up really early to put one over on Grandpa . Grandma was up , too , and she had made some of her delicious cinnamon rolls for us . We might have been a few minutes late leaving , but even Grandpa couldn 't complain since he was the last one through eating his second one . I borrowed one of his travel mugs for the trip . He had coffee mugs that stayed with you for a while , holding 24 oz . 's . I decided right then and there , since we were going to have to make a pit stop on the way we 'd stop at the Flying J Truckstop in Eloy . I was going to buy one of my own there . I have a really nice stainless steel travel mug , but it only holds 12 oz . It just runs out to fast . Grandpa waited until we were well outside of town and there was little traffic around us before he started discussing the day . " As you know , the Sheriff himself is meeting us at the house at ten o ' clock this morning . I think that will probably take up a couple of hours , maybe more , but I really doubt it . It isn 't like this is an active case they are dealing with , and it is pretty cut and dried what happened . I really want to keep things contained in the basement . I see no need for anyone to be traipsing about upstairs . Now that is the easy part . " " Last evening , I called a friend of mine who is also a friend of the Union Pacific CEO and managed to convince him I needed to speak to the CEO on urgent business beneficial to the railroad before this morning . I would not tell him what it was , but asked him to give the CEO a call on my behalf , telling him it had to do with the Samuel Johnson case . I said to check the company history if the name didn 't ring a bell , and then to please give me a call . " " Well , it was about an hour later I received a call from the gentleman , who seemed rather hesitant to talk with me . I 'm sure he was expecting a scam or a hoax was about to be played on him , but fortunately my friend was able to convince him I 'm legit . I told him I believed we had found Samuel Johnson , and that we had found two Southern Pacific trunks that were still locked . I suggested he might want to come down personally , or at the very least send a senior official and the appropriate security detachment to recover their property . He himself is flying down here , but he can 't get here before about one o ' clock . Michael , could I presume upon you to meet him at the airport and bring him out here to the house ? " " Now , I have said nothing to the Sheriff about any of the Southern Pacific tie - in , neither did I make any representation to the CEO about what was in the chests . The last thing in the world I want is for word to get out about them until they are out of our hands . I really don 't think anyone could put together a robbery that quickly , but I want to be safe , and I want as little publicity about all of this as we can get by with . I will do my best to keep everything as an ' undisclosed location ' and ' clients who wish to remain anonymous ' as much as I can , but I 'm sure some of it will leak out . I really would not like to have a bunch of TV trucks lined up and down the street and reporters with microphones sticking them in our faces as we come and go . We may need to keep clear of the house for a few days until the furor dies down if it gets out . " After a very quick stop , and with my own new coffee mug in hand , we got back on the road north . I took a quick sip of my coffee and knew right away Grandpa was going to like it ! That stuff was so strong you could drink it with a fork ! Grandpa waited again until we were back on the highway and rolling before he dropped another bombshell . " Michael , I know you said you didn 't want any of the gold you guys picked up when you found the hidden room , but you are going to be a part of whatever I negotiate with the Southern Pacific today , whether you want to or not . By the way , I am in favor of building out the servant 's quarters into apartments , but that is not my decision to make . I will make my thoughts known , though . Now , if those chests contain what I believe they contain , and what the CEO obviously believes they contain , seeing he is flying down here during his vacation up in Jackson 's Hole , Wyoming , I expect there to be a very substantial reward . Now my fee for negotiating this is going to be a bit higher than my normal fee for representing my family . You guys have to buy my breakfast , and my coffee on the return trip . Thanks for turning me on to the Flying J , Justin . That is good coffee ! " " According to all I could find out about Sam Johnson 's disappearance , he had $ 50 , 000 in gold coins as part of the merger of the Southern Pacific with the Union Pacific , for dispersal to shareholders , of which he was a major stakeholder . The value of that gold at present day value is in excess of three and a half million . That is melt value , and doesn 't take into account any numismatic value of any of the individual coins . I 'm sure there are some that are quite valuable . The S . P . had a reward offer of $ 5 , 000 for information locating Sam Johnson , which obviously includes the gold . If you increase the valuation of the reward offer by 70 times as the gold has increased in value that would come out to about $ 350 , 000 . Now , I don 't expect to be able to negotiate quite that much for you , but there is argument under Arizona law that you could be due as much as half of the find . I don 't personally believe that is right for you to do , but if they don 't want to reward you fairly we can always threaten to take it to court . " Michael spoke up first . Rosemary and I were totally flabbergasted . " I really don 't care anything about a reward , Ben . I thank you , but to me returning what is rightfully theirs is the right thing to do . " " You are right of course , Michael , and I appreciate it . However , they are the ones who offered the reward , and I think it only fair and right you should receive your share of it . What you want to do with the money is entirely your choice . Give it away , or put it aside for retirement , or whatever . That money could go a long way toward buying a house for you and Susie ; that is if you have the kind of ideas a smart young man like you should have toward her . Not trying to get in your business , and I apologize if I 'm sticking my nose in too far . " I smiled at Grandpa 's comment , but quickly quashed it as Rosemary looked at me questioningly . It wouldn 't do to give his plans away . Michael just nodded thoughtfully . We discussed the matter between us for the rest of the trip to Bill 's , but quit talking when we pulled into the parking lot . " Not another word about any of this until after it is all said and done , " Grandpa ordered . " We don 't need to stir anything up until we are ready to deal with it . Understood ? " Mary Winters stopped in the cafeteria for a cup of coffee at a quarter to nine . She needed the break . One of her patients , a child of nine had just died as the result of an auto accident two days before . She had hoped desperately the little girl would pull through , but it was not to happen . The little girl 's mother had been killed instantly in the crash , and her father was in critical condition on the next floor up , but was expected to live . She had been in the room along with the Grandparents when Katie had breathed her last . Losing a patient was always hard , but it was part of her profession . Losing children though always hurt much worse . She looked up as a shadow fell across her table and saw Dr . Meechum standing on the other side of her table . " May I join you ? " Mary nodded wordlessly and waved at the chair opposite . " Rough morning ? " Silently Mary nodded her head , and then sighed . " I don 't know why I ever thought I wanted to be a nurse . We just lost Katie . I thought she was going to make it . " Tom let out a bitter laugh of sorts . " I guess eight years as a Devil Doc hardened me pretty much . You learn to compartmentalize it after a while . It never goes away , but you just suppress it enough to keep going . " " Oh , sorry . I thought you would know . It 's a nickname the Marines give us Navy Corpsmen . Marines don 't have their own medical staff . It 's provided by the Navy . We aren 't really Marines , but we lived with them and worked with them all the time . We wore Marine Utilities , but we don 't wear the Eagle , Globe , and Anchor insignia on the collar points because we are not Marines . Also , the service tape says US Navy . " " That 's a takeoff of Devil Dog , the nickname given them by the Germans in WWI , ' Teufel hunden ' in German . They started calling the Marines that at Belleau Wood because of the way they fought , never knowing they were beaten , so they never were . The name Devil Dog stuck , and some of them call us Devil Doc 's if we do the job in combat with them . I take it as a real compliment , as being as close to being an actual Marine as I can be . " Tom looked down at his hands and saw a slight tremor in them . " You don 't . Sometimes in the night it all comes back to you . Some guys turn to alcohol or drugs , but I try to channel it all back into my work telling myself I 'm making up for the ones I lost by the ones I save . " Tom looked up at Mary and then quickly back down at his hands . " Some are harder to lose than others . Winters , your husband , was the hardest because he took it for me . That should have been me on the ground over there . " A tear welled up in his eye before he angrily dashed it away with the back of his hand . " Tom , you can 't take it that way . I know Brad would not be sorry for what he did . He would do it over again if it came to that . It 's just the way he was . " " I know . The Chaplain tried to tell me . I even went and saw a shrink when I got out , while I was in Med School . They kept telling me I had to let it out , that I couldn 't hold it all in , but that 's what I 've done . Talking with you and your daughter really helped a lot , and I was really happy to see you in here this morning . I didn 't mean to dump on you . You have your own troubles to deal with right now . " " Really I think it helped . I feel better now . I know I can 't save them all , but it hurts to lose the little ones . I have it a lot easier than you guys did , though , so I can 't complain . " " There is no ' easier ' about it when you are dealing with life and death , Mary . You just don 't have to deal with all of the terror that goes along with it is all . I 've got to get back to the floor . Thanks for listening . " The meeting with the Sheriff went smoothly , and as expected . He was surprised and pleased that we had not disturbed either of the skeletons , nor checked pockets or the desk . He had a photographer along , as well as the Coroner who had to proclaim them dead . I know , it sounds silly , but it is procedure . The Sheriff did note with praise the accuracy of Sam Johnson 's shot . " I don 't know that I could have done as well , even if I had not been shot first ! He took at the least a lung shot , and it probably also got an artery based on his position sitting here . He didn 't even have the strength left to stand up . " A check of their pockets identified the other skeleton as that of Henry Murray , as Grandpa had presupposed , but his pocket contained nothing else of interest . Samuel Johnson 's pockets on the other hand had a key ring , which we anticipated , but he also was wearing a money belt containing twenty - five twenty - dollar gold pieces . The Sheriff left us with each of the men 's gunbelts and their pistols , Murray 's a Colt . 45 , and Johnson 's a Smith and Wesson ' Russian ' . 44 , and once the photographer was finished with his photographs Michael and I assisted in removing the skeletons from the basement out to a waiting ambulance for removal to the morgue . Why they thought they needed to bring an ambulance I have no clue , but I guess that was also procedure . As the driver closed the ambulance doors I stopped the Sheriff before he could get into his car . " I know it is a little late to have a funeral service as such for Mr . Johnson , but I think it would only be proper for us to tend to his burial and a gravestone . I think we can provide the same for Henry Murray , but we would like to do so with as little fanfare as possible . Would that be possible ? " With that he got into his car and prepared to leave . No mention of Union Pacific 's interest in the case was made , much to our pleasure . The least it was known of the better all - around as far as we were concerned . Michael and I made our way back into the carriage house and carefully locked the outer door behind us . I also closed the secret door before going back down the ladder . Grandpa and Rosemary were looking through the desk when we returned to the lower office . Grandpa looked up at us and held up what looked like a ledger . " Samuel Johnson was quite a diarist . I think this will provide some interesting reading and a better understanding of some of the things that went on during that time period in Arizona . The last couple of entries are in particular of interest , especially in regards to the house . Take a look . " March 29 : The arrival of General Sheridan and his party from the government to look into the railroad expansion plans in regards to how it will affect the military could not have come at a more inauspicious time . Two chests from Union Pacific as part of the merger with the Southern Pacific arrived today . Glad we get to keep operating S . P . separately . Murray seems to have gotten a sniff of what is going on . Caught him snooping around looking for a latch for the door from the carriage house . Should have just let him look since there isn 't one on the outside out there . Not sure what to do about him . Seems untrustworthy lately . Mustn 't be rash , but careful . March 30 : Meeting with Sheridan , et . al . went smoothly and well . Very tired after long day squiring them around . Hope Murray gets here with the ore samples soon . All indicators are the new discovery is going to be rich . Must remember not to let Murray know of location at least until he shows he 's trustworthy . Meet with Tohono O ' odham chief , Carlos Rios , tomorrow about access on their lands . They have been good to work with in the past . Must arrange a suitable gift . Swenson over at the S Bar has some good Morgan horse stock . Perhaps a stallion and a " Interesting , " I said . " It looks like he got interrupted and put the diary away without finishing . " I carefully closed the diary , cognizant of its age and brittle condition , and handed it back to Grandpa , who put it into the drawer . " We don 't have much time before the U . P . guys get here if we want to grab some lunch . What do you say we check out the other room quickly and go grab a bite ? " Rosemary , who was holding the key ring agreed , obviously excited at the possibilities . The four of us trooped down the corridor and Rosemary tried the keys until she found the one that fit the padlock . Surprisingly for its age and how long it had remained untouched it opened easily . Michael removed the iron bar for her , and the long unopened door swung open quietly and smoothly under her hand . Acrid smoke poured from the air conditioning vents moments before the fire alarms began blaring , causing near panic throughout the high school . Everyone knew this was no fire drill as the students poured out through the doors and into the open air , with some students and teachers choking and gasping from the smoke . Sirens from all directions screamed as every available fire truck , ambulance , and police car hurried to the site . Mass pandemonium was the order of the day as teachers tried desperately to account for all of their charges . For the most part the students cooperated , but of course there always are a few that screw things up for everyone else . As each class was able to account for all of their personnel they were directed to the football stadium , where they were directed to sit in the bleachers . At least there they were free to sit wherever , and most of the students found boyfriend , girlfriend , or at least a friend to sit with . Stephanie was able at long last to find Susie , but she wished Justin and Rosemary hadn 't had to go up to Scottsdale today . It seemed like forever since she had a chance to spend any time with Justin , and after her talk last night with her Mom she felt a little on the horny order ; at least to the point of needing a good hug and a kiss . She hadn 't seen much of Susie either for that matter . " Hey , Steph ! What 's up ? " " Oh , him . He won 't mind . " Steph continued playing with Susie 's mind . " This guy is older and so much more mature ! " Susie slapped her friend on the shoulder and shook her head in frustration . " You had me going , there , girl . Don 't do that to me ! What 's with this guy ? " " Well , Mom left her purse in the cafeteria Saturday night , and Tom found it . He brought it by the house yesterday morning just after I had gotten up , but Mom wasn 't up yet . He saw Daddy 's picture in the living room . He knew Daddy in Iraq , and was there when he was killed . " Stephanie went on to relate the rest of the story to Susie 's rapt attention . " I don 't know . She says she can 't be because he 's a Dr . and she has to work with him , but I think maybe she is . He 's really neat , and I hope so . She 's been awfully lonely for a long time now with Daddy gone . That 's why she fell for Paul . " An involuntary shudder shook her at the thought . " Mom and I had a really good talk last night about her , and about Justin and me and things . You know , I 'm really lucky to have the Mom I have ! She lets me ask anything and is honest with me . " Steph looked around to be sure no one could overhear her , but lowered her voice anyway and leaned in toward Susie , who leaned closer too . " I asked her about her and Daddy , you know , whether they waited until they got married or not . Was I ever embarrassed , and I know she was a little bit , too , but she told me that no , they weren 't , but that there had been no one else . She said she knew they were going to be together before they did anything . " " She asked me if Justin was pressuring me , and I said , that he was too much of a gentleman , but that I love him and I was wondering . I didn 't tell her we already have had sex ! She said she couldn 't tell me not to , but to be very careful that I don 't get hurt , that I can only give it away once . I mean , how cool is that ? How many girls can talk with their Mom 's that way ? " " You are so lucky . I know Mommy loves me and all that , but I can 't talk with her that way . Oh , we talk and stuff , but I couldn 't ask her that ! She really likes Mikey , though , and she is very encouraging toward our relationship . She had " the talk " with me a couple of years ago of course , and she was open to answering questions . Don 't get me wrong , but she just would freak if I asked about having sex with Mikey ! " " Daddy , on the other hand , I can talk with him about just about everything . Of course there is no way I 'm going to ask him anything like that ! " Both girls giggled and the look on Susie 's face was priceless . " Daddy finally got the ' Bugeye ' finished , and he and I spent a good bit of the day tooling around in it . Mommy doesn 't like riding in it . She can 't stand having her hair blown around that way , but I love it ! I asked Daddy if I could have it to take to school next year and he just laughed at me and told me I 'd just try to pick up boys in it . I said I could only pick up one at a time , and it would be Mikey ! " Susie stopped for a moment and looked down . " I think something is going on , but I don 't know what . Daddy asked me what I thought about Mikey , but there was something funny about the way he asked . Maybe I 'm reading too much into it , he might just be trying to play Daddy with his little girl , protecting me or something , but , oh , I don 't know . Anyway , I told him I love Mikey , that I would marry him if he asked . He actually dropped a wheel off the edge of the road for a minute . We were going up Mt . Lemmon , and he quickly got the car back under control . I really thought he was going to cry for a minute , but he didn 't . He just said he thought I was pretty young to be thinking that way , but that I 'm very mature for my age . He said if Mikey asked they wouldn 't stand in my way . " Susie shrugged . " Not that I know of ! He hasn 't said anything to me . Like I told Daddy , we haven 't even ' dated ' " , she used finger quotes . " The only thing you could call a date was when we went dancing after having dinner with his parents . And speaking of parents ! His mother is so cool ! She knew I wouldn 't know how to dress for going out with Michael , especially for the Prom , so she took Mommy and me up to see her own dressmaker ; and you should see the dress ! Carole had drawn up a couple of sketches of ideas for me , but she threw them away after meeting me and getting acquainted . She does everything custom , design and everything , but she went out into the showroom while I was being measured and came in with the most beautiful gown ! She had made it for the Senator 's wife for an Inaugural Ball for the President , and she is giving it to me ! She said she would rather see me wear it than her . " Susie 's eyes were shining with delight as she described the dress . " I feel almost like Cinderella , except I don 't have to worry about Midnight ! Joanna , Mikey 's mom , is so cool to talk to . I didn 't feel like a little girl talking to a grownup , or that she was checking the girl who was wanting to date her son . They made me feel wanted and loved for who I am , with or without Mikey . " Joanne Thibodeaux stretched , drawing the approving look of her husband who lay on the chaise longue next to her . For a fifty year old woman she had kept her figure very nicely . Her breasts sagged a little , but not nearly as badly as many women her age . Crow 's - feet marked the corners of her eyes , but Jeff always said they were ' smile lines ' and that they showed character , not age . He was always good at bolstering her confidence when she looked in the mirror and bewailed the march of time . Just enough of a breeze was blowing to dry and cool her bathing suit and bring her nipples to a point . Jeff 's approving gaze noted them with pleasure . Thirty years of marriage , in August , had not dampened his love for his wife , nor did it dampen his admiration for her sleek body . In all of his years playing football at ASU , and then for the Cardinals in the NFL , he had never been tempted to stray , even though the opportunity had been thrown in his face time and time again . Once he had drawn sharp criticism from the team owner when one of the cheerleaders complained about him . She had made some rather plain overtures , but he had rebuffed them all . What really ticked her off , and the basis for her sexual harassment complaint had been when he asked her , " Why should I go out with you for a hot dog when I have fillet mignon waiting for me at home ? " Jason Wilson , the offensive right guard , and his roommate when on the road , overheard the exchange . When they returned home from that particular road trip Jason had walked from the training facility out to the parking lot with Jeff and saw Joanne waiting by the car to pick Jeff up . " Mighty nice fillet , Jeff ! " Joanne was upset at the remark , especially when Jason walked away with only a wave . It took Jeff a few minutes to calm her down , and he finally had to explain the comment . Since then it had been a bit of a joke between the two of them in private . Jeff and Jason talked on the phone on a regular basis still , and Jason was frequently known to say goodbye with a " Tell the fillet I said ' Hi " I 'd say that fillet looks done to perfection , " Jeff said to his wife as he sat up on his lounger . Jeff reached over and poked and prodded her body a few times in different places , making Joanne writhe and giggle . " Yep , it 's just right ! " He stepped to the end of her lounger and straddled it easily with his six foot six inch frame . Then he bent over and slipped his arms between her legs so that her knees landed on his shoulders and sliding his arms further up her body grasped her by the back of the shoulders stood up lifting her nearly effortlessly and causing her legs to slide further onto his shoulders until her bathing suit covered pussy was against his face . He curled lips over his teeth and began nibbling and gnawing while growling , causing Joanne to squirm and wiggle in his grasp while laughing at him . " Just perfect ! Couldn 't be better done ! " Her back tiring from holding herself stretched out Joanne leaned forward again . She was always amazed at Jeff 's strength . Even though he had been retired from playing football for so many years he still kept himself in great shape and never seemed to tire holding her , even in such an awkward position . " Perhaps you should take it in from the grill where it can be better enjoyed , " she said softly . Tossing her into the air and catching and then cradling her in his arms Jeff carried her toward the bedroom . Joanne cuddled against him kvelling in his strength and love . She felt moisture gathering in her pussy in anticipation of what was to come . Grandpa looked over Rosemary 's shoulder as the door swung slowly open . The room of course was dark , and nothing could be seen until the door was fully opened . " Justin , go grab that light , son . We can 't see anything . " When I could see in the door after they stepped in I saw a set of shelves on the far wall lined with dated ledgers , but that was not what had our attention . In the corner , at the end of the shelf was a double stack of gold bars shining in the light . Each bar was about half an inch thick by about two inches wide and four inches long . Each stack was five bars high , and there were three rows . Thirty bars of gold ! On the floor were two wooden crates that looked to be full of more bars . Grandpa regained his equilibrium first and said , " I think at this moment we had better close this room back up and go get some lunch . We can decide what to do about it later , but for the moment nothing needs be said to anyone outside the four of us ! We will call a family meeting for Wednesday evening when your folks get home , and Michael , that includes you . " Michael shook his head . " No sir , I don 't need to be there . None of this is mine , nor do I covet any of it . You all are the ones who own the house . It belongs to you . " Grandpa stood and looked at Michael carefully , and I could see his ' lawyer ' face setting in . " Now you listen to me , young man , and you listen good . I only want to say this once , and I don 't want to hear you arguing the point . You are the one who found the entrance to this room . Might Justin have found it later ? Possibly , but based on what happened so far probably not . No one else found it in a hundred years . You have been involved in this from the beginning , and you can consider this a bonus for being the kind of person you are . What you choose to do with the gold is your decision , just like I told you on the reward I intend to negotiate with the railroad . I am going to do all I can to keep your name out of the public eye , but I am not going to keep you from benefitting from what you made possible . Are we clear on this ? " " I feel funny taking it . I have all I need , and more , from what I 've already done . If I don 't want to , I don 't have to work another day in my life . This would just add on to what I already have . " " Son , I appreciate what you are saying , and I wish a lot more people had your attitude . Trust me ; you can do a lot more good with the money than you ever can without it . Like I said , what you do with it is your choice , but you will accept it . Understood ? Your answer is ' Yes Sir . ' " Michael shrugged and said , " Yes Sir . " We all grinned and trooped back out the door . Michael lifted the iron bar back into place and Rosemary carefully locked the padlock , then she handed the keys to Grandpa for safe - keeping . Lunch was going to be a festive occasion . Steph and Susie sat in the sun of the stadium for nearly an hour before an administrator turned on the PA system and announced school was closed , and they were free to go home . He also announced it would be closed the following day for replacement of the air conditioning unit , that an email would be sent to all concerning the following day , whether or not the school would be in session . A ragged cheer erupted from all of the kids and they poured from the stands and headed for their cars . Those who didn 't drive wandered around aimlessly trying to find a way to go home . " I wish Rosie and Justin didn 't go up to the house today . I could use a good swim and some sun , " Steph said as the two girls walked out to her car . " You know we can use their pool anyway . Mikey isn 't here today either . I hope they don 't stay up there too long . I haven 't seen him since Friday . " " Oh , you poor baby ! " Steph teased and dodged a swat . " I know we can go over there . I just always feel a little funny wandering through their house when they aren 't home . " After quick stops at home to grab swimwear and a towel the girls drove to the Thyme home and let themselves in through the garage . The code had been given them a long time ago . They quickly pealed down to their bikinis and dove into the pool for a few laps before getting out to lie in the sun for a while . Susie just shook her head . " Since I 've been with Michael I 've learned I don 't really need to flaunt it . As far as I 'm concerned , I 'm his , and I don 't need to show off to other guys anymore . " She gave Steph a saucy grin . " Don 't worry , when the time is right he will get a lot more than just a sexy bikini ! " " I know . Isn 't it funny how that works ? Remember that suit I got that was mostly string ? I got it to try to catch Justin , but I don 't need it anymore either . " She shrugged her shoulders . " As far as I 'm concerned , when he 's around I 'd rather wear nothing at all , but I don 't feel like showing off to any others . Not that I ever did that as much as you did ! " " Tell me , what 's it really like having sex with Justin ? Sometimes when I 'm around Michael I just want to drag him to bed with me , but he won 't even consider it . I can 't even get him to make out with me ! " Stephanie paused for a couple of minutes before replying , making Susie wonder if she had gone too far in asking . " Honestly , it is the most wonderful thing I have ever done . " Unconsciously her hand started stroking her upper leg as she gazed unseeing into the sky . " I can see where it could be bad if you didn 't have someone you really cared about , or someone who didn 't care about you , but when I 'm with him , well . . . he just makes it so wonderful . " Her nipples were beginning to push out through her bra as she thought of Justin . " You know how Justin is , always thinking of others , well he 's the same in bed . It isn 't about him getting off , but he will leave himself hanging just to make sure it is good for me , and I know he does the same for Rosemary . " " Of course , we both try to make it really good for him , too . It 's a two way street , and I 'm really wishing he was here with me now . " Now her hand had crept up to caress her belly , and to toy with the top of her bikini panty . " If I know Michael as well as I think I do I think he will be the same way , but don 't push him . It is worth waiting until both of you are ready . " Susie 's hands were wandering across her own body also as Stephanie was talking . " Sometimes I don 't think I can wait ! I 've about worn out " Fred " , and some nights it just isn 't enough . How did you know when it was the right time ? " Stephie sighed as she remembered . " Well , you remember when we caught Justin and Rosemary after the fact . " Susie giggled . " The look on their faces was priceless ! " " Well , you remember how Rosie told us she liked to go naked around the house when she was under stress . " Susie nodded . " It all started the night of the accident . Since Mom was gone the Thymes took me in . I couldn 't climb the stairs that first night , so Justin picked me up and carried me . I was half loopy from the pain meds , or it might not have happened . I know I wouldn 't have had the courage , but I was hugging him and holding him tightly . I had on a hospital robe because my clothes were ruined , and I didn 't have on a bra , so I kind of rubbed my boobs on his chest , and the robe opened up a little bit and Justin could see one of my tits . He looked away really quickly , and I was embarrassed , but really turned on by it , too . " Disclaimer : All the postings of mine in this whole forum is not my own collection . All are downloaded from internet posted by some one else . I am just saving some time of our forum users to avoid searching everywhere . So none of these are my own videos or pictures . Am not violating any copy rights law or not any illegal action am not supposed to do . If anything is against law please notify so that they can be removed . anonymusis ChitChat No Holds Barred News , Reviews & Gossip Sports Life , Lifestyle , Personal Advice & Tips Wanderlust Technology Technical Help & Tutorials Computers , Gadgets & Gizmos Gaming E - books Masala Pics n Vids ( glamour ) Indian Glamour Galleries Mirchi Desi Masala Videos and much more Pics n Vids ( adult ) Polls Lock Stock & Barrel Image Upload Facility Stories English Hindi Regional Bengali Punjabi Tamil Telugu Torrents BackOffice Introductions Help , Suggestions , Bug Reports , Complaints etc . Requests Test Area Parking Lot Xclusive Queen Contest Hall of Fame Old Events , Meets etc . EC Office Old Announcements Completed Contests Betting Badshah IPL ' Predict & Win ' Contest Super Selector WC Twenty20 Contest Soccer World Cup Contest Hottest Celebrity Picture Contest XING All times are GMT + 5 . 5 . The time now is 09 : 56 PM .

Stephanie stepped over and slipped her arm around her Mom 's waist and pulled her into half a hug . " I just want to see you happy , and I hate to see you alone or lonely , especially when I 'm gone . You are still a very good looking woman , and there is no reason you should be alone . " Mary put two cups of water into the microwave to heat for tea , a sure sign she wanted to talk . Neither was hungry , having picked up a sandwich on the way home . " Are you sure it isn 't just a crush ? As I remember you have had a crush on him for forever . " Stephanie sat down at one of the kitchen chairs and rested her arms on the table and thought for a moment before answering . " I know I used to have a crush on him , and I longed for any notice from him at all , and if he talked to me I was on cloud nine until he talked to another girl and then I was depressed , but now it 's different . If anything it 's stronger than before , except I don 't worry if he talks to others , because I know he 's mine , and he 's mine because he wants to be . I knew I was falling for him before , but after the accident , when he showed me how much he really cared about me and took care of me , well , it just cemented things , and nothing can change it . Do you know he carried me up and down the stairs because I was sore ? The first night I really needed it , but after that it was just nice not having to climb them when it hurt . " " I saw the way he treated his sister , and I was almost jealous , but then I got to thinking he treats her that way because he loves her , and he will do the same thing for me . I love the way he and his Mom get along , too . I 've heard it said the way to tell how a guy will treat you is to see how he treats his mother . If that is true I 'll be in good shape , and she will be a good mother - in - law . " Mary set the tea cups on the table along with a fresh lemon and pitcher of milk before sitting down with her daughter . " So you 're planning your marriage already ? Does Justin know it ? " " I know . Before the wreck , well , that was puppy love , but since then it 's gotten so much stronger and closer . How did you and Daddy know ? " " Oh my ! That seems like a long time ago , but really it wasn 't all that long . At first we couldn 't stand each other , but over a period of time something happened and we just meshed . Neither of us planned it or tried to make it happen , but we just ended up together at different functions with our friends and things , and we were seated next to each other in three classes our Senior year , so we couldn 't get away from each other . The next thing you know we got to really know each other and found our preconceived notions were all wrong . We realized we had strong feelings for each other before we even started dating , and it didn 't take us long before we knew . We loved each other so much it hurt to be apart . " " Oh yes ! Yes , yes , a thousand times yes ! I thought I would die when he was killed , but I had you , and I poured myself into taking care of you , and I made it . Even now there isn 't a single day I don 't think of him and miss him terribly . " " Mom , can I ask you something very personal ? " Mary blushed also , and also looked down at her hands before looking back up and looking her daughter in the eye . " No , honey , we didn 't . I 'm not saying it was right , or that you should give yourself away before you marry , but no , we didn 't wait . We knew we were going to marry , and I never had anyone else but him , well before Paul , that is . " Mary shook her head in disgust at that thought . " Is he pressing you for sex ? " Mary reached across the table and placed her hand on her daughter 's . " I 'm not giving you permission , mind you , but I understand if you do . Just be very , very sure . It isn 't something you can give away more than once , and you can be hurt very badly if it doesn 't work out between you two . " " I know . That 's what I really love about you . Some of the girls at school don 't have a Mom as cool as you , and they don 't have anyone to talk with about things . I 'm lucky ! " Steph lifted her mom 's hand to her cheek and hugged it to her . " I really hope you and Dr . Meechum get together . I think he 's cool ! " Rosemary and I hurried into the house when we got back . Both of us were excited to find the missing door . I went through the first floor door and up the ladder to the second floor where I turned on the floodlight and began searching . Not only could I not identify the door itself , I had trouble finding the release ! Whoever built this was indeed a master craftsman ! I haven 't seen this level of workmanship anywhere else . I examined all of the plank ends on the side of the hatch to no avail . Just as I was about to give up and decide the house was different than the carriage house I looked at the adjacent side , behind the ladder , and there it was . Once again , it was not where we expected it . I called Rosemary on her cell and told her to switch rooms and waited for her to get into the right place before I pulled on the latch . Surprise of all surprises , the door was a wall that had built in changing table in a little alcove changing area in one of the bedrooms . The door pivoted smoothly and silently on its pivot and I stepped into the room . " Stephanie and I just changed rooms ! I wondered how we were going to be able to get together with you without causing comments . Steph could get away with it , but I wasn 't sure how it would work for me . Now we can have you whenever we want you ! " She gave me a devilish grin . " You 'd better eat your Wheaties or whatever you need to keep you going , big brother . Between the two of us you 're going to need it ! " She stepped into me and gave me a hug and a kiss . I knew right away she hadn 't wasted time while I was looking for the latch release on the other side . Her bra had come off , and oh , did it feel nice ! I nodded agreement , but took time to spin Rosemary around and hug her from the back so I could get a good feel of her breasts and tweak her nipples first . She broke away from me giggling and walked over to the changing table and started looking for something that could work as a latch . Each side wall had a wooden board with three pegs for hanging garments . I tried turning the pegs and pulling down on them , but nothing worked . The one on the left wall though released the door when I lifted upward on the pegs , pulling the bottom of the board up and out just a bit . I stepped through the door first and untied the floodlight and lowered it carefully to rest on the floor two levels below before climbing the ladder downward , with Rosemary right behind me . Once down the ladder I picked up the light and led the way through the lower office as I had taken to thinking of it . Rosemary grabbed my hand as we started down the other passageway . We stopped and I showed her the two Southern Pacific chests that we expected to contain the $ 50 , 000 in gold coins . I didn 't think it would hurt to move the tarpaulins . This wasn 't part of the crime scene as such , or so I told myself , but there was nothing else of interest in the alcove . We shone the light on down the passage , but all we could see was that it turned to the left in about ten feet . A heavy , very solid door faced us , with an iron bar across it padlocked securely in place . " Hey Grandpa . Sorry to bug you right after you got home , but I wanted you to know what we found in the basement . Rosemary and I went down the other passageway , and found a heavy door with a big padlock on an iron bar holding it closed . I have an idea Sam Johnson has the key in his pocket or in the desk . Do we have to wait until tomorrow to check ? " " I 'd like to know what 's in there just as much as you would , but we have to follow procedure . We have an appointment with the Sheriff himself at 10 : 00 tomorrow . He 'll have the photographer and a detective with him . I asked him to keep it quiet as possible , and to limit the number of people he brings , but he 's a politician first , and a law officer second , so Lord only knows who all he 'll bring ! Any items in his pockets won 't be needed , so we can get it then . " " You kids ! All you think about is eating ! Better make it 5 : 45 , then . We want to be sure to have it set up the way we want before the Sheriff gets there . There 's no point in letting anyone else know how to get in there . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Michael called Susie when he was about half way back to Tucson just to touch base with her since he had not seen her all day , or Saturday either for that matter . " Hi there , Little One . What 's going on with you today ? I 've missed you terribly ! " " Hi , Mikey ! Daddy and I have just been out running around in the Sprite . I 'm trying to talk him into letting me take it to school next year , but I don 't have him convinced yet . He says I 'd just use it to try to pick up guys , but I told him there is only room for you in it . " " Good . Keep it that way . I had to run some errands up in Phoenix and had lunch with the folks . Mom says ' Hi . ' I also picked up my tux for Friday . Say ' Hi ' to your Dad for me , and you two have fun . " " Oh , we are . I 'm glad Mommy doesn 't like riding in this car , cause then I get to . We picked up some fudge up on Mt . Lemmon , and if you come by the house I 'll let you have a piece , but you 'd better hurry before I have it all gone . " Michael laughed , " Sure , I 'll come by , but you 'd better save me a piece . I 'll see you in a little bit . Love you ! " We had done about all we could do for the day other than find the outside entrance from the carriage house , but I was about ready for a break from things for a little while . After making certain everything was shipshape downstairs Rosemary and I started back up the ladder to go home . Rosemary was ahead of me , and as I looked up her ass certainly looked fine ! She glanced down about the time I looked up and saw where I was looking and grinned at me as she wiggled it back and forth a bit . We carefully closed the door to what was now her room and made our way down the front stairs . Rosemary grabbed my hand as we descended . " You know I still like to pretend this is just our house , and that we live here together , just you and me . " She sighed and leaned into me . " I know , I 'm just a silly girl , but I 'm a silly girl who happens to be in love with her brother , as awful as that sounds . " " I don 't think it sounds awful at all . I love you , too . I wouldn 't mind a bit living here with just you . You would grace a house like this very well ! " " Thank you . That was sweet . " She stopped under the rose in the foyer and turned her face up to me for a kiss . " I still say this is better than mistletoe . " Our kiss went from just a little peck on the lips to a deep tongue wrestling duel that left us panting and me hard in moments . She does that to me ! She led me into the library and over to the desk . " This time it 's your turn ! " Quickly she unsnapped my shorts and slipped them down . " Sit up on the desk . " As soon as I sat on the edge she dropped to her knees in front of me and grabbed my cock . Her eyes were locked on mine as she slowly slipped the head of my cock between her lips and fluttered her tongue over the end . " I 've been thinking about doing this all day , ever since you ate me out this morning , " she said as she stroked the end of my shaft with her thumb , spreading around her saliva . Slowly she slipped my cock back into her velvety mouth and began humming on it as her tongue stroked across the bottom . I felt myself stirring within and knew this was not going to last long . Even though we had done nothing sexual to speak of all day after this morning 's hi - jinks , the sexual tension between us and the arousal from waking up with her and then bathing together had me quite built up . I couldn 't help myself . I just had to see her . I reached down and pulled up her tee shirt , causing her to pull off of me momentarily as I slipped it over her head . I 'll never tire of looking at her magnificent breasts , especially when the nipples are all puckered up and poking out from arousal . I could just reach them to tweak and roll them in my fingers , which I did and generated a moan from her that went right to my core . It wasn 't but a few minutes and I spewed my seed into her mouth , overflowing it just a little bit . As she gently sucked and licked the last little bit from my cock I ran my fingers through her red - gold hair that I loved so much , and caressed her head . There is no doubt I love my sister ! Nor is there any doubt she loves me . It isn 't all about the sex , either . The sex is just an expression of that love , and we each do all we can to make it best for the other . Maybe that sounds sappy , but that is the way it was , and is for that matter . Mom called us as we were leaving , and I 'm so glad it wasn 't ten minutes before . " Justin ? Your Dad called just a few minutes ago , and he would like me to fly out to LA tonight . I hate to run off and leave you kids again . Can you get along until Wednesday if I go ? " " No problem , Mom . You and Dad have fun . We 'll be fine . I 'll tell Rosemary it 's my turn to have all of the girls over , since she had all the boys over last time . " Mom laughed , as I knew she would . " Thanks , Justin . Somehow or another , your Dad got tickets to a movie premier , and no I don 't know which one , but I 'd really like to go . I 'll probably be gone by the time you get here . I 've already called for a taxi to the airport . Love you kids ! " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Michael , Rosemary , and I were sitting in Grandpa 's driveway at 5 : 30 in the morning . I knew he would see us out there , but I wanted to let him know I waited fifteen minutes for him to get moving this morning . It 's not often I get to pull his leg , and I wanted to enjoy it today . Someone being late for an appointment or having to wait for anything was a real bugaboo to him , and I knew he would see the humor . He wasn 't going to have any of it this morning though . He opened the door and stuck his head out . " Well , since you are here on time for a change you have time for a cup of coffee before we go . Michael , I have a glass of orange juice poured for you . " All I could do was shake my head . You have to get up really early to put one over on Grandpa . Grandma was up , too , and she had made some of her delicious cinnamon rolls for us . We might have been a few minutes late leaving , but even Grandpa couldn 't complain since he was the last one through eating his second one . I borrowed one of his travel mugs for the trip . He had coffee mugs that stayed with you for a while , holding 24 oz . 's . I decided right then and there , since we were going to have to make a pit stop on the way we 'd stop at the Flying J Truckstop in Eloy . I was going to buy one of my own there . I have a really nice stainless steel travel mug , but it only holds 12 oz . It just runs out to fast . Grandpa waited until we were well outside of town and there was little traffic around us before he started discussing the day . " As you know , the Sheriff himself is meeting us at the house at ten o ' clock this morning . I think that will probably take up a couple of hours , maybe more , but I really doubt it . It isn 't like this is an active case they are dealing with , and it is pretty cut and dried what happened . I really want to keep things contained in the basement . I see no need for anyone to be traipsing about upstairs . Now that is the easy part . " " Last evening , I called a friend of mine who is also a friend of the Union Pacific CEO and managed to convince him I needed to speak to the CEO on urgent business beneficial to the railroad before this morning . I would not tell him what it was , but asked him to give the CEO a call on my behalf , telling him it had to do with the Samuel Johnson case . I said to check the company history if the name didn 't ring a bell , and then to please give me a call . " " Well , it was about an hour later I received a call from the gentleman , who seemed rather hesitant to talk with me . I 'm sure he was expecting a scam or a hoax was about to be played on him , but fortunately my friend was able to convince him I 'm legit . I told him I believed we had found Samuel Johnson , and that we had found two Southern Pacific trunks that were still locked . I suggested he might want to come down personally , or at the very least send a senior official and the appropriate security detachment to recover their property . He himself is flying down here , but he can 't get here before about one o ' clock . Michael , could I presume upon you to meet him at the airport and bring him out here to the house ? " " Now , I have said nothing to the Sheriff about any of the Southern Pacific tie - in , neither did I make any representation to the CEO about what was in the chests . The last thing in the world I want is for word to get out about them until they are out of our hands . I really don 't think anyone could put together a robbery that quickly , but I want to be safe , and I want as little publicity about all of this as we can get by with . I will do my best to keep everything as an ' undisclosed location ' and ' clients who wish to remain anonymous ' as much as I can , but I 'm sure some of it will leak out . I really would not like to have a bunch of TV trucks lined up and down the street and reporters with microphones sticking them in our faces as we come and go . We may need to keep clear of the house for a few days until the furor dies down if it gets out . " After a very quick stop , and with my own new coffee mug in hand , we got back on the road north . I took a quick sip of my coffee and knew right away Grandpa was going to like it ! That stuff was so strong you could drink it with a fork ! Grandpa waited again until we were back on the highway and rolling before he dropped another bombshell . " Michael , I know you said you didn 't want any of the gold you guys picked up when you found the hidden room , but you are going to be a part of whatever I negotiate with the Southern Pacific today , whether you want to or not . By the way , I am in favor of building out the servant 's quarters into apartments , but that is not my decision to make . I will make my thoughts known , though . Now , if those chests contain what I believe they contain , and what the CEO obviously believes they contain , seeing he is flying down here during his vacation up in Jackson 's Hole , Wyoming , I expect there to be a very substantial reward . Now my fee for negotiating this is going to be a bit higher than my normal fee for representing my family . You guys have to buy my breakfast , and my coffee on the return trip . Thanks for turning me on to the Flying J , Justin . That is good coffee ! " " According to all I could find out about Sam Johnson 's disappearance , he had $ 50 , 000 in gold coins as part of the merger of the Southern Pacific with the Union Pacific , for dispersal to shareholders , of which he was a major stakeholder . The value of that gold at present day value is in excess of three and a half million . That is melt value , and doesn 't take into account any numismatic value of any of the individual coins . I 'm sure there are some that are quite valuable . The S . P . had a reward offer of $ 5 , 000 for information locating Sam Johnson , which obviously includes the gold . If you increase the valuation of the reward offer by 70 times as the gold has increased in value that would come out to about $ 350 , 000 . Now , I don 't expect to be able to negotiate quite that much for you , but there is argument under Arizona law that you could be due as much as half of the find . I don 't personally believe that is right for you to do , but if they don 't want to reward you fairly we can always threaten to take it to court . " Michael spoke up first . Rosemary and I were totally flabbergasted . " I really don 't care anything about a reward , Ben . I thank you , but to me returning what is rightfully theirs is the right thing to do . " " You are right of course , Michael , and I appreciate it . However , they are the ones who offered the reward , and I think it only fair and right you should receive your share of it . What you want to do with the money is entirely your choice . Give it away , or put it aside for retirement , or whatever . That money could go a long way toward buying a house for you and Susie ; that is if you have the kind of ideas a smart young man like you should have toward her . Not trying to get in your business , and I apologize if I 'm sticking my nose in too far . " I smiled at Grandpa 's comment , but quickly quashed it as Rosemary looked at me questioningly . It wouldn 't do to give his plans away . Michael just nodded thoughtfully . We discussed the matter between us for the rest of the trip to Bill 's , but quit talking when we pulled into the parking lot . " Not another word about any of this until after it is all said and done , " Grandpa ordered . " We don 't need to stir anything up until we are ready to deal with it . Understood ? " Mary Winters stopped in the cafeteria for a cup of coffee at a quarter to nine . She needed the break . One of her patients , a child of nine had just died as the result of an auto accident two days before . She had hoped desperately the little girl would pull through , but it was not to happen . The little girl 's mother had been killed instantly in the crash , and her father was in critical condition on the next floor up , but was expected to live . She had been in the room along with the Grandparents when Katie had breathed her last . Losing a patient was always hard , but it was part of her profession . Losing children though always hurt much worse . She looked up as a shadow fell across her table and saw Dr . Meechum standing on the other side of her table . " May I join you ? " Mary nodded wordlessly and waved at the chair opposite . " Rough morning ? " Silently Mary nodded her head , and then sighed . " I don 't know why I ever thought I wanted to be a nurse . We just lost Katie . I thought she was going to make it . " Tom let out a bitter laugh of sorts . " I guess eight years as a Devil Doc hardened me pretty much . You learn to compartmentalize it after a while . It never goes away , but you just suppress it enough to keep going . " " Oh , sorry . I thought you would know . It 's a nickname the Marines give us Navy Corpsmen . Marines don 't have their own medical staff . It 's provided by the Navy . We aren 't really Marines , but we lived with them and worked with them all the time . We wore Marine Utilities , but we don 't wear the Eagle , Globe , and Anchor insignia on the collar points because we are not Marines . Also , the service tape says US Navy . " " That 's a takeoff of Devil Dog , the nickname given them by the Germans in WWI , ' Teufel hunden ' in German . They started calling the Marines that at Belleau Wood because of the way they fought , never knowing they were beaten , so they never were . The name Devil Dog stuck , and some of them call us Devil Doc 's if we do the job in combat with them . I take it as a real compliment , as being as close to being an actual Marine as I can be . " Tom looked down at his hands and saw a slight tremor in them . " You don 't . Sometimes in the night it all comes back to you . Some guys turn to alcohol or drugs , but I try to channel it all back into my work telling myself I 'm making up for the ones I lost by the ones I save . " Tom looked up at Mary and then quickly back down at his hands . " Some are harder to lose than others . Winters , your husband , was the hardest because he took it for me . That should have been me on the ground over there . " A tear welled up in his eye before he angrily dashed it away with the back of his hand . " Tom , you can 't take it that way . I know Brad would not be sorry for what he did . He would do it over again if it came to that . It 's just the way he was . " " I know . The Chaplain tried to tell me . I even went and saw a shrink when I got out , while I was in Med School . They kept telling me I had to let it out , that I couldn 't hold it all in , but that 's what I 've done . Talking with you and your daughter really helped a lot , and I was really happy to see you in here this morning . I didn 't mean to dump on you . You have your own troubles to deal with right now . " " Really I think it helped . I feel better now . I know I can 't save them all , but it hurts to lose the little ones . I have it a lot easier than you guys did , though , so I can 't complain . " " There is no ' easier ' about it when you are dealing with life and death , Mary . You just don 't have to deal with all of the terror that goes along with it is all . I 've got to get back to the floor . Thanks for listening . " The meeting with the Sheriff went smoothly , and as expected . He was surprised and pleased that we had not disturbed either of the skeletons , nor checked pockets or the desk . He had a photographer along , as well as the Coroner who had to proclaim them dead . I know , it sounds silly , but it is procedure . The Sheriff did note with praise the accuracy of Sam Johnson 's shot . " I don 't know that I could have done as well , even if I had not been shot first ! He took at the least a lung shot , and it probably also got an artery based on his position sitting here . He didn 't even have the strength left to stand up . " A check of their pockets identified the other skeleton as that of Henry Murray , as Grandpa had presupposed , but his pocket contained nothing else of interest . Samuel Johnson 's pockets on the other hand had a key ring , which we anticipated , but he also was wearing a money belt containing twenty - five twenty - dollar gold pieces . The Sheriff left us with each of the men 's gunbelts and their pistols , Murray 's a Colt . 45 , and Johnson 's a Smith and Wesson ' Russian ' . 44 , and once the photographer was finished with his photographs Michael and I assisted in removing the skeletons from the basement out to a waiting ambulance for removal to the morgue . Why they thought they needed to bring an ambulance I have no clue , but I guess that was also procedure . As the driver closed the ambulance doors I stopped the Sheriff before he could get into his car . " I know it is a little late to have a funeral service as such for Mr . Johnson , but I think it would only be proper for us to tend to his burial and a gravestone . I think we can provide the same for Henry Murray , but we would like to do so with as little fanfare as possible . Would that be possible ? " With that he got into his car and prepared to leave . No mention of Union Pacific 's interest in the case was made , much to our pleasure . The least it was known of the better all - around as far as we were concerned . Michael and I made our way back into the carriage house and carefully locked the outer door behind us . I also closed the secret door before going back down the ladder . Grandpa and Rosemary were looking through the desk when we returned to the lower office . Grandpa looked up at us and held up what looked like a ledger . " Samuel Johnson was quite a diarist . I think this will provide some interesting reading and a better understanding of some of the things that went on during that time period in Arizona . The last couple of entries are in particular of interest , especially in regards to the house . Take a look . " March 29 : The arrival of General Sheridan and his party from the government to look into the railroad expansion plans in regards to how it will affect the military could not have come at a more inauspicious time . Two chests from Union Pacific as part of the merger with the Southern Pacific arrived today . Glad we get to keep operating S . P . separately . Murray seems to have gotten a sniff of what is going on . Caught him snooping around looking for a latch for the door from the carriage house . Should have just let him look since there isn 't one on the outside out there . Not sure what to do about him . Seems untrustworthy lately . Mustn 't be rash , but careful . March 30 : Meeting with Sheridan , et . al . went smoothly and well . Very tired after long day squiring them around . Hope Murray gets here with the ore samples soon . All indicators are the new discovery is going to be rich . Must remember not to let Murray know of location at least until he shows he 's trustworthy . Meet with Tohono O ' odham chief , Carlos Rios , tomorrow about access on their lands . They have been good to work with in the past . Must arrange a suitable gift . Swenson over at the S Bar has some good Morgan horse stock . Perhaps a stallion and a " Interesting , " I said . " It looks like he got interrupted and put the diary away without finishing . " I carefully closed the diary , cognizant of its age and brittle condition , and handed it back to Grandpa , who put it into the drawer . " We don 't have much time before the U . P . guys get here if we want to grab some lunch . What do you say we check out the other room quickly and go grab a bite ? " Rosemary , who was holding the key ring agreed , obviously excited at the possibilities . The four of us trooped down the corridor and Rosemary tried the keys until she found the one that fit the padlock . Surprisingly for its age and how long it had remained untouched it opened easily . Michael removed the iron bar for her , and the long unopened door swung open quietly and smoothly under her hand . Acrid smoke poured from the air conditioning vents moments before the fire alarms began blaring , causing near panic throughout the high school . Everyone knew this was no fire drill as the students poured out through the doors and into the open air , with some students and teachers choking and gasping from the smoke . Sirens from all directions screamed as every available fire truck , ambulance , and police car hurried to the site . Mass pandemonium was the order of the day as teachers tried desperately to account for all of their charges . For the most part the students cooperated , but of course there always are a few that screw things up for everyone else . As each class was able to account for all of their personnel they were directed to the football stadium , where they were directed to sit in the bleachers . At least there they were free to sit wherever , and most of the students found boyfriend , girlfriend , or at least a friend to sit with . Stephanie was able at long last to find Susie , but she wished Justin and Rosemary hadn 't had to go up to Scottsdale today . It seemed like forever since she had a chance to spend any time with Justin , and after her talk last night with her Mom she felt a little on the horny order ; at least to the point of needing a good hug and a kiss . She hadn 't seen much of Susie either for that matter . " Hey , Steph ! What 's up ? " " Oh , him . He won 't mind . " Steph continued playing with Susie 's mind . " This guy is older and so much more mature ! " Susie slapped her friend on the shoulder and shook her head in frustration . " You had me going , there , girl . Don 't do that to me ! What 's with this guy ? " " Well , Mom left her purse in the cafeteria Saturday night , and Tom found it . He brought it by the house yesterday morning just after I had gotten up , but Mom wasn 't up yet . He saw Daddy 's picture in the living room . He knew Daddy in Iraq , and was there when he was killed . " Stephanie went on to relate the rest of the story to Susie 's rapt attention . " I don 't know . She says she can 't be because he 's a Dr . and she has to work with him , but I think maybe she is . He 's really neat , and I hope so . She 's been awfully lonely for a long time now with Daddy gone . That 's why she fell for Paul . " An involuntary shudder shook her at the thought . " Mom and I had a really good talk last night about her , and about Justin and me and things . You know , I 'm really lucky to have the Mom I have ! She lets me ask anything and is honest with me . " Steph looked around to be sure no one could overhear her , but lowered her voice anyway and leaned in toward Susie , who leaned closer too . " I asked her about her and Daddy , you know , whether they waited until they got married or not . Was I ever embarrassed , and I know she was a little bit , too , but she told me that no , they weren 't , but that there had been no one else . She said she knew they were going to be together before they did anything . " " She asked me if Justin was pressuring me , and I said , that he was too much of a gentleman , but that I love him and I was wondering . I didn 't tell her we already have had sex ! She said she couldn 't tell me not to , but to be very careful that I don 't get hurt , that I can only give it away once . I mean , how cool is that ? How many girls can talk with their Mom 's that way ? " " You are so lucky . I know Mommy loves me and all that , but I can 't talk with her that way . Oh , we talk and stuff , but I couldn 't ask her that ! She really likes Mikey , though , and she is very encouraging toward our relationship . She had " the talk " with me a couple of years ago of course , and she was open to answering questions . Don 't get me wrong , but she just would freak if I asked about having sex with Mikey ! " " Daddy , on the other hand , I can talk with him about just about everything . Of course there is no way I 'm going to ask him anything like that ! " Both girls giggled and the look on Susie 's face was priceless . " Daddy finally got the ' Bugeye ' finished , and he and I spent a good bit of the day tooling around in it . Mommy doesn 't like riding in it . She can 't stand having her hair blown around that way , but I love it ! I asked Daddy if I could have it to take to school next year and he just laughed at me and told me I 'd just try to pick up boys in it . I said I could only pick up one at a time , and it would be Mikey ! " Susie stopped for a moment and looked down . " I think something is going on , but I don 't know what . Daddy asked me what I thought about Mikey , but there was something funny about the way he asked . Maybe I 'm reading too much into it , he might just be trying to play Daddy with his little girl , protecting me or something , but , oh , I don 't know . Anyway , I told him I love Mikey , that I would marry him if he asked . He actually dropped a wheel off the edge of the road for a minute . We were going up Mt . Lemmon , and he quickly got the car back under control . I really thought he was going to cry for a minute , but he didn 't . He just said he thought I was pretty young to be thinking that way , but that I 'm very mature for my age . He said if Mikey asked they wouldn 't stand in my way . " Susie shrugged . " Not that I know of ! He hasn 't said anything to me . Like I told Daddy , we haven 't even ' dated ' " , she used finger quotes . " The only thing you could call a date was when we went dancing after having dinner with his parents . And speaking of parents ! His mother is so cool ! She knew I wouldn 't know how to dress for going out with Michael , especially for the Prom , so she took Mommy and me up to see her own dressmaker ; and you should see the dress ! Carole had drawn up a couple of sketches of ideas for me , but she threw them away after meeting me and getting acquainted . She does everything custom , design and everything , but she went out into the showroom while I was being measured and came in with the most beautiful gown ! She had made it for the Senator 's wife for an Inaugural Ball for the President , and she is giving it to me ! She said she would rather see me wear it than her . " Susie 's eyes were shining with delight as she described the dress . " I feel almost like Cinderella , except I don 't have to worry about Midnight ! Joanna , Mikey 's mom , is so cool to talk to . I didn 't feel like a little girl talking to a grownup , or that she was checking the girl who was wanting to date her son . They made me feel wanted and loved for who I am , with or without Mikey . " Joanne Thibodeaux stretched , drawing the approving look of her husband who lay on the chaise longue next to her . For a fifty year old woman she had kept her figure very nicely . Her breasts sagged a little , but not nearly as badly as many women her age . Crow 's - feet marked the corners of her eyes , but Jeff always said they were ' smile lines ' and that they showed character , not age . He was always good at bolstering her confidence when she looked in the mirror and bewailed the march of time . Just enough of a breeze was blowing to dry and cool her bathing suit and bring her nipples to a point . Jeff 's approving gaze noted them with pleasure . Thirty years of marriage , in August , had not dampened his love for his wife , nor did it dampen his admiration for her sleek body . In all of his years playing football at ASU , and then for the Cardinals in the NFL , he had never been tempted to stray , even though the opportunity had been thrown in his face time and time again . Once he had drawn sharp criticism from the team owner when one of the cheerleaders complained about him . She had made some rather plain overtures , but he had rebuffed them all . What really ticked her off , and the basis for her sexual harassment complaint had been when he asked her , " Why should I go out with you for a hot dog when I have fillet mignon waiting for me at home ? " Jason Wilson , the offensive right guard , and his roommate when on the road , overheard the exchange . When they returned home from that particular road trip Jason had walked from the training facility out to the parking lot with Jeff and saw Joanne waiting by the car to pick Jeff up . " Mighty nice fillet , Jeff ! " Joanne was upset at the remark , especially when Jason walked away with only a wave . It took Jeff a few minutes to calm her down , and he finally had to explain the comment . Since then it had been a bit of a joke between the two of them in private . Jeff and Jason talked on the phone on a regular basis still , and Jason was frequently known to say goodbye with a " Tell the fillet I said ' Hi " I 'd say that fillet looks done to perfection , " Jeff said to his wife as he sat up on his lounger . Jeff reached over and poked and prodded her body a few times in different places , making Joanne writhe and giggle . " Yep , it 's just right ! " He stepped to the end of her lounger and straddled it easily with his six foot six inch frame . Then he bent over and slipped his arms between her legs so that her knees landed on his shoulders and sliding his arms further up her body grasped her by the back of the shoulders stood up lifting her nearly effortlessly and causing her legs to slide further onto his shoulders until her bathing suit covered pussy was against his face . He curled lips over his teeth and began nibbling and gnawing while growling , causing Joanne to squirm and wiggle in his grasp while laughing at him . " Just perfect ! Couldn 't be better done ! " Her back tiring from holding herself stretched out Joanne leaned forward again . She was always amazed at Jeff 's strength . Even though he had been retired from playing football for so many years he still kept himself in great shape and never seemed to tire holding her , even in such an awkward position . " Perhaps you should take it in from the grill where it can be better enjoyed , " she said softly . Tossing her into the air and catching and then cradling her in his arms Jeff carried her toward the bedroom . Joanne cuddled against him kvelling in his strength and love . She felt moisture gathering in her pussy in anticipation of what was to come . Grandpa looked over Rosemary 's shoulder as the door swung slowly open . The room of course was dark , and nothing could be seen until the door was fully opened . " Justin , go grab that light , son . We can 't see anything . " When I could see in the door after they stepped in I saw a set of shelves on the far wall lined with dated ledgers , but that was not what had our attention . In the corner , at the end of the shelf was a double stack of gold bars shining in the light . Each bar was about half an inch thick by about two inches wide and four inches long . Each stack was five bars high , and there were three rows . Thirty bars of gold ! On the floor were two wooden crates that looked to be full of more bars . Grandpa regained his equilibrium first and said , " I think at this moment we had better close this room back up and go get some lunch . We can decide what to do about it later , but for the moment nothing needs be said to anyone outside the four of us ! We will call a family meeting for Wednesday evening when your folks get home , and Michael , that includes you . " Michael shook his head . " No sir , I don 't need to be there . None of this is mine , nor do I covet any of it . You all are the ones who own the house . It belongs to you . " Grandpa stood and looked at Michael carefully , and I could see his ' lawyer ' face setting in . " Now you listen to me , young man , and you listen good . I only want to say this once , and I don 't want to hear you arguing the point . You are the one who found the entrance to this room . Might Justin have found it later ? Possibly , but based on what happened so far probably not . No one else found it in a hundred years . You have been involved in this from the beginning , and you can consider this a bonus for being the kind of person you are . What you choose to do with the gold is your decision , just like I told you on the reward I intend to negotiate with the railroad . I am going to do all I can to keep your name out of the public eye , but I am not going to keep you from benefitting from what you made possible . Are we clear on this ? " " I feel funny taking it . I have all I need , and more , from what I 've already done . If I don 't want to , I don 't have to work another day in my life . This would just add on to what I already have . " " Son , I appreciate what you are saying , and I wish a lot more people had your attitude . Trust me ; you can do a lot more good with the money than you ever can without it . Like I said , what you do with it is your choice , but you will accept it . Understood ? Your answer is ' Yes Sir . ' " Michael shrugged and said , " Yes Sir . " We all grinned and trooped back out the door . Michael lifted the iron bar back into place and Rosemary carefully locked the padlock , then she handed the keys to Grandpa for safe - keeping . Lunch was going to be a festive occasion . Steph and Susie sat in the sun of the stadium for nearly an hour before an administrator turned on the PA system and announced school was closed , and they were free to go home . He also announced it would be closed the following day for replacement of the air conditioning unit , that an email would be sent to all concerning the following day , whether or not the school would be in session . A ragged cheer erupted from all of the kids and they poured from the stands and headed for their cars . Those who didn 't drive wandered around aimlessly trying to find a way to go home . " I wish Rosie and Justin didn 't go up to the house today . I could use a good swim and some sun , " Steph said as the two girls walked out to her car . " You know we can use their pool anyway . Mikey isn 't here today either . I hope they don 't stay up there too long . I haven 't seen him since Friday . " " Oh , you poor baby ! " Steph teased and dodged a swat . " I know we can go over there . I just always feel a little funny wandering through their house when they aren 't home . " After quick stops at home to grab swimwear and a towel the girls drove to the Thyme home and let themselves in through the garage . The code had been given them a long time ago . They quickly pealed down to their bikinis and dove into the pool for a few laps before getting out to lie in the sun for a while . Susie just shook her head . " Since I 've been with Michael I 've learned I don 't really need to flaunt it . As far as I 'm concerned , I 'm his , and I don 't need to show off to other guys anymore . " She gave Steph a saucy grin . " Don 't worry , when the time is right he will get a lot more than just a sexy bikini ! " " I know . Isn 't it funny how that works ? Remember that suit I got that was mostly string ? I got it to try to catch Justin , but I don 't need it anymore either . " She shrugged her shoulders . " As far as I 'm concerned , when he 's around I 'd rather wear nothing at all , but I don 't feel like showing off to any others . Not that I ever did that as much as you did ! " " Tell me , what 's it really like having sex with Justin ? Sometimes when I 'm around Michael I just want to drag him to bed with me , but he won 't even consider it . I can 't even get him to make out with me ! " Stephanie paused for a couple of minutes before replying , making Susie wonder if she had gone too far in asking . " Honestly , it is the most wonderful thing I have ever done . " Unconsciously her hand started stroking her upper leg as she gazed unseeing into the sky . " I can see where it could be bad if you didn 't have someone you really cared about , or someone who didn 't care about you , but when I 'm with him , well . . . he just makes it so wonderful . " Her nipples were beginning to push out through her bra as she thought of Justin . " You know how Justin is , always thinking of others , well he 's the same in bed . It isn 't about him getting off , but he will leave himself hanging just to make sure it is good for me , and I know he does the same for Rosemary . " " Of course , we both try to make it really good for him , too . It 's a two way street , and I 'm really wishing he was here with me now . " Now her hand had crept up to caress her belly , and to toy with the top of her bikini panty . " If I know Michael as well as I think I do I think he will be the same way , but don 't push him . It is worth waiting until both of you are ready . " Susie 's hands were wandering across her own body also as Stephanie was talking . " Sometimes I don 't think I can wait ! I 've about worn out " Fred " , and some nights it just isn 't enough . How did you know when it was the right time ? " Stephie sighed as she remembered . " Well , you remember when we caught Justin and Rosemary after the fact . " Susie giggled . " The look on their faces was priceless ! " " Well , you remember how Rosie told us she liked to go naked around the house when she was under stress . " Susie nodded . " It all started the night of the accident . Since Mom was gone the Thymes took me in . I couldn 't climb the stairs that first night , so Justin picked me up and carried me . I was half loopy from the pain meds , or it might not have happened . I know I wouldn 't have had the courage , but I was hugging him and holding him tightly . I had on a hospital robe because my clothes were ruined , and I didn 't have on a bra , so I kind of rubbed my boobs on his chest , and the robe opened up a little bit and Justin could see one of my tits . He looked away really quickly , and I was embarrassed , but really turned on by it , too . " Disclaimer : All the postings of mine in this whole forum is not my own collection . All are downloaded from internet posted by some one else . I am just saving some time of our forum users to avoid searching everywhere . So none of these are my own videos or pictures . Am not violating any copy rights law or not any illegal action am not supposed to do . If anything is against law please notify so that they can be removed . anonymusis ChitChat No Holds Barred News , Reviews & Gossip Sports Life , Lifestyle , Personal Advice & Tips Wanderlust Technology Technical Help & Tutorials Computers , Gadgets & Gizmos Gaming E - books Masala Pics n Vids ( glamour ) Indian Glamour Galleries Mirchi Desi Masala Videos and much more Pics n Vids ( adult ) Polls Lock Stock & Barrel Image Upload Facility Stories English Hindi Regional Bengali Punjabi Tamil Telugu Torrents BackOffice Introductions Help , Suggestions , Bug Reports , Complaints etc . Requests Test Area Parking Lot Xclusive Queen Contest Hall of Fame Old Events , Meets etc . EC Office Old Announcements Completed Contests Betting Badshah IPL ' Predict & Win ' Contest Super Selector WC Twenty20 Contest Soccer World Cup Contest Hottest Celebrity Picture Contest XING All times are GMT + 5 . 5 . The time now is 03 : 51 AM .

She let out a scream that would 've shaken the graves of those who passed away . It was her first child , and she didn 't know what to expect . When the doctor came in with a needle the size of her finger , she waved it off , " You have to stick that in my back ? No , I 'll pass . " The epidural would 've saved her from a multitude of pain , but she wasn 't privy to it . As a matter of fact , she rarely saw the doctor throughout the pregnancy so it was a tossup as to whether or not the child would be born without any difficulties . Her mother passed away when she was five , and it left her father to raise her on his own . At the time , he was twenty - three , and he was so caught up in his own life that he didn 't make time for her . Luckily , she had a grandmother who was older but still willing to take custody of Monica to keep her from going into the foster care system . She had seen first - hand the effects that could have on a child , so she did what she had to do . Her name was Janice Carter , and she was her father 's mother , but Monica only knew her as Mama . In the hospital room , the nurse stood beside her and held her hand as she used a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead . " You 're doing great , Monica . Just keep going . " She coached her from the side and as a two - time mother herself , she knew the pain the Monica was going through and did her best to ease it all . Trey , the child 's father , stormed out in an unbelievable rage the day he found out Monica was pregnant . The scene wasn 't how she expected it to go at all . She walked to the couch as he sat , watching Sunday football with a burger in his hand that she just prepared for him . They were both nineteen years old , and Janice passed away two years before , but she left her the house that she paid for before she died . Janice was living in a three bedroom house with no mortgage , and the only thing she had to pay for was the monthly bills , something she could manage as a cashier in a department store . " Do you like the burger ? " Trey didn 't turn to look at her when he answered , " Yeah , it 's straight . " The announcer on the television spoke up as the play just began . Monica reached into her pocket and pulled out two pictures to place them on the table . After a few moments , she realized that Trey wasn 't going to look at them from there , so she picked them up and set them on his lap . He stopped in mid - chew and glanced down at them , speaking will a full mouth . His voice was muffled , " What is this ? " She was nervous because she didn 't know how he would take it but she knew the truth had to come out eventually , " These are sonograms . We 're um ; we 're gonna have a baby . " She had been dating Trey for almost a year and even though it was off - and - on , it was still the most consistent relationship either of them had . Monica smiled at him as she waited for a response and suddenly , she got it . Trey smacked the small photos off his lap as they fluttered to the ground , " Pregnant ? ! Nah , I … I don 't know why you 're tellin ' me that . You know I pull out every time we don 't use a condom . " She exhaled , hoping that it didn 't go this way , but she knew it was a slim chance that it wouldn 't . She sat back on the couch as seclusion saturated her facial expression . He slammed the plate down on the table , nearly shattering it as the top bun of his burger flew onto the floor . " Nah , nah , I know that ain 't mine . You 've been cheatin on me , Monica , huh ? You 've been messin ' around with somebody else , and since they got you pregnant , you 're tryin to pass it off as mine ? " " Whatever , Monica ! You can tell me anything you want to ! Oh , I guess the dude I saw you at the grocery store with ain 't nobody , huh ? Go and tell him that you 're pregnant ! " " Whatever ! Look , I ain 't stayin ' here for this ! I ' ma let you go and find the real father of that baby and tell him the news because it ain 't mine ! " He looked down at the sonograms that laid spread out on the floor and when he reached down to grab one , he ripped it into pieces and flung them into the air like confetti . " And don 't call me until you get all this situated ! I 'm done ! For real ! " He stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him , the vibration knocked pictures off the wall as Monica buried her head into the couch and cried out loud . It was an acute pain that she hadn 't felt before , the precise stabbing of small needles into her heart as she was on the verge of hyperventilating . Suddenly , she felt a cool and calm spirit around her . " It 's gonna be alright , Monica , " the voice said as she looked up with teary , reddened eyes . She calmed her breathing and sat up as she looked to the floor to grab the two pictures that were still intact . On the back of them , she wrote , " Monica and Trey 's baby , " and placed them on her table . The truth was the truth , no matter what Trey said . Inside the hospital , she pushed again but this time , the baby was fully out as the doctor suctioned the fluids out of his mouth and patted him on the back until his first cries came out . " There we are , theeere we are little boy , you 're fine , you 're fine , " the doctor said as he passed him to the nurses to they could quickly clean him up . Monica was out of breath and suddenly , the pain she had seconds ago seemed to all be worth it once she realized her baby boy had come out unharmed . " Can I … can I see him ? " she asked , still trying to recollect herself . " Of course ! They are just cleaning him and then they will bring him right to you . " They walked over with her baby boy and placed him in her arms as tears rolled down her face . The nurse that was by her side continued to coach her , " Just hold him close to your skin for a while so his body temperature can regulate . Yes , that 's it , right by your bosom . " Monica held him close and kissed him on the cheek as he relaxed , his eyes moving around aimlessly like he knew he was no longer in the comfort of the womb . " Do you have a name for him ? " the nurse asked as she admired them . " Yes . His name is Allen . Allen Travelle Taylor . " From that day , she always held him close to her and when Trey came to visit his son in the hospital , Monica rolled her eyes at him . He hadn 't contacted her at all for the entire length of the pregnancy , but Monica didn 't want her son to grow up without her father around , so for his sake , she told Trey what hospital she was in . When he came in , his hair had grown out and was on the verge of locking up . His pants sagged just below his waist , and he had all types of jewelry hanging from his neck and around his wrists . During the last nine months , Monica had gotten word that Trey started selling drugs to make extra money . He walked over to look at his baby boy , but honestly , he wasn 't interested in him , and he still hadn 't accepted the fact that he belonged to him . He stuck his finger inside the incubator and smiled at Allen , but quickly left his side and stood by Monica . He reached out for her hand , but she snatched it away , " What do you want , Trey ? I thought you were here to see the baby . " He smiled arrogantly , " Yeah , I did come for that , but I came for you , too . I miss you . I miss what we had . " She sucked her teeth , " Trey , get out of here with that , for real . You dissed me nine months ago and after all the morning sicknesses , the cravings , and everything else I had to go through BY MYSELF , you wanna come back around ? Nah , I 'm not goin ' there with you . There is your son . He is the only reason we will ever need to communicate with each other . " He reached out for her hand , His nostrils flared , the same look he had when she told him that she was pregnant and with that , he left the room without once looking at his son . Monica refused to let tears fall from her eyes over him as Allen moved around in his incubator . He deserved more than what Trey was going to give him , and Monica knew it but for now , she was only focused on raising her son to the best of her ability . The two of them yelled back and forth from the kitchen to the front room until Monica sighed and got up , " If I come in there and grab that ketchup , I promise I am going to pop you upside your head ! " She walked in as Allen stood with the ketchup in his hand and a broad grin on his face . He burst out laughing as soon as he saw her . Monica shot him a look of disgust before she charged at him . She was thirty - four years old , but she still looked as though she was in her mid - twenties and people had a hard time believing that she was the mother of a 15 - year - old boy . She still lived in her grandmother 's house , but now , she worked as a supervisor at a call center and made well over enough money to keep her and her son happy . Allen was a good kid for the most part , but she saw a lot of Trey in him . His temper , mainly , was what she worried about the most . He was always getting into fights at school and with children around the neighborhood . His father came close to laying hands on her when she was younger , but he never crossed the line . With Allen though , it didn 't seem that he had that kind of restraint when it came to other people . The two of them had an air - tight relationship and even though he didn 't have a father figure in his life , he still had a good grasp on what it was like to be a man . His teacher , Mr . Weston , did much to structure him as much as he could , and he recognized Allen as a bright student during the parent teacher conferences . " Allen is really a smart kid , Monica . He just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd a lot of times , you know ? Bad company corrupts good morals , so all of the good things you are teaching him at home sort of gets washed away when he comes around these group of kids . " That was what he said each time Allen had gotten into trouble at school , and he was on the verge of being kicked out of Madison High School if he kept up his behavior . Trey had only seen Allen twice in his lifetime , once at the hospital and then once again when Allen was five . Allen said that he had no memory of his father and even though Monica tried her best not to talk bad about Trey in front of his son , Allen still drew his own conclusion . He was a mirrored image of his father , same thick eyebrows and dark brown eyes . His hair kinked up the same way Trey 's did when he started growing it out , and Monica would shake her head at how much the two of them resembled . At times , it scared her because she felt that somehow , she had gone back in time and started life as a teenager all over again . Those thoughts only lasted for split seconds , though , and she hated when it happened . Trey continued to be a dope dealer since the day he left the hospital and for a while , he was making a lot of money . Monica would hear how he was driving new cars almost every other week and flashing pockets full of twenty dollar bills and tossing them up at the strip clubs like they were dollar bills . Ten years after Allen was born , Trey was robbed by a group of other men and the ended up shooting him in the legs . The doctors thought he would be paralyzed , but amazingly , he regained his ability to walk after extensive rehab sessions . He had a limp , but it was better than strolling along in a wheelchair . Back at the house , Allen was preparing to leave . " Aight Mama , I ' ma be back later on . " He grabbed his bag and headed to the door , When he got far enough away from the house , he looked inside of his bag to make sure he had everything . A black Glock 9 and a few bags of weed was what he needed for the trip he and Ricky were about to make . Ironically , he followed in the same footsteps of his father except he started at a much younger age . He was influenced by the wrong crowd , and when the music videos showed him what it was to be a man , he figured he needed to step into his place as well . He made it over to Ricky 's house , " What up , fam ? " They shook hands as Ricky spoke , They headed to the West side of town to make a drop . Allen knew that it would be dangerous because they were going on unknown territory but he wasn 't scared at all . In fact , Ricky was the one who was calm , and it was just because Allen was there . As they rode to the West Side , Allen glanced at his phone . " My Moms is calling , man . She is about to snap once she finds out where I 'm at . She probably called your mom first . " Ricky drove his car with one hand on the steering wheel , " Yeah . Don 't answer that , though . Just wait until we get back . " Allen slid his phone back in his pocket , and twenty minutes later , they arrived on the West Side of town . Both of them were unfamiliar with the area , but they knew where they needed to go . Little did Allen know , Trey lived on the same side of town , but Allen wouldn 't be able to pick him out of a lineup , let alone identify his relation to him . " Aight , you ready ? The house is right there , " Ricky said as they were parked on the street . " Aight , Let 's go . " They both got out of the car and headed towards the house as Trey walked down the sidewalk with a limp . He was still on edge since the time he had gotten shot and even though it was almost ten years ago , he never forgot the moment it happened . A group of young boys , close to the ages of Ricky and Allen , were the reason he had to walk with a limp . As they approached him , Allen put his hand near his waist . In unfamiliar territory , he always wanted to be ready to pull out if it came down to it . Trey tensed up as they inched towards each other 's path , " Whassup , little nigga ? " he said as he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to block their path , " Yall don 't belong over here . I can tell . What 's up ? " Allen glared at him , but before he responded , he realized that something was off about him . It was like he was looking in a mirror and watching an older version of himself right in front of him . Ricky spoke up , " We ain 't here to see you , so watch out . " Trey didn 't budge , and when Ricky shoved him back , Allen snapped out of his trance and pulled his gun out , " Look , we ain 't come here for all that . We just trying to see Snap , aight ? " In Trey 's mind , flashbacks of the fateful night he was shot twice by the group of boys began to replay in his mind . He looked down the dark barrel of the gun , oblivious to any detail of Allen that might have told him that they were related . It was all erased , and the only thing he could focus on was avoiding being gunned down again by a group of teens . As Allen pointed the gun at Trey , he froze again . He saw his own eyebrows , lips , nose and eyes on the face of this man in front of him . His eyebrows wrinkled up but to Trey , he sensed hesitation . He is not going to shoot me , he said in his mind . He had been living a street life for a while , and he knew when somebody was going to shoot and when they were bluffing . Allen wasn 't bluffing by any means , but seeing his features on another man bugged him out completely . Slowly , he began to wonder if the man standing in front of him was his father . Before he could react to his thoughts , Trey pulled the pistol from his waist and as Allen was on the verge of yelling for him to stop . Pow ! Pow ! Pow ! Trey emptied his clip into Allen as Ricky ran from the scene . Blood spilled from his body as he laid on the sidewalk , gasping for air . Trey stood over him and shook his head , " Not this time , little nigga . Not this time . " As Ricky sped off , Trey turned around and limped away from the scene of the murder . Allen laid there with his eyes wide open ; chest covered in blood as his gasps for air slowly ended . If you are not being a father to your son , you are killing your son . I looked in the rearview mirror to get a better look at my son . His light brown eyes illuminated as the sun beamed down onto his mahogany complexion . He sat in his car seat , his feet dangling halfway to the floor . It was almost time for him to sit on the regular seat like the big kids but he still had a few more months to go , and I didn 't want to rush it . If I could have it my way , he would stay the same age for as long as I could keep him there like Peter Pan . " It takes more than seeing over the steering wheel to know how to drive . You 'll get there , trust me . Just enjoy the ride for now . " He sighed and glanced out the window as I smiled to myself . He was a splitting image of me when I was his age . My mother would sit down and show pictures of me in my younger days , and if I didn 't know any better , I would 've sworn that the boy in the picture was the same kid in the car seat behind me . Just as I was about to speak to him again , the phone buzzed in my lap . I immediately became disgruntled when I saw the name flash across the face of my screen . My ex - wife barely gave me any breathing room whenever I had my son . My visitation rights were cut down because of my job . Being a police officer took up the majority of my time , and it was mainly the reason why she felt she needed a divorce . Her insecurities built up over time and for the longest , she just felt like there was another woman . Somebody , I was cheating on her with and she was partially right . It wasn 't a physical act that was brewing but more of an emotional one . She checked out of the marriage , and it forced me to fill the voids in other ways . In my mind , physically cheating was worse than doing so emotionally , so I chose the lesser of two evils . In retrospect , emotional adultery was worse , and once those doors opened , there was no way to close them . I read her text when I came to a stop light . " Look . This is my time with my boy , aight ? You can interrogate him later on about the other bs , but right now , I am busy . " The light turned green as I set the phone in my lap and pulled off . I looked back at A . J . as he picked up one of his toy cars and drove it across his lap . In his other hand , he made another car crash into it . " Boom ! " he said as he banged the cars into each other repeatedly . Just then , the phone buzzed in my lap again . I tried to do things to get my mind off the fact that Lauren seemingly harassed me anytime I had A . J . with me . She had the ability to send me from one to one - hundred in record time at any given moment . I looked straight ahead , doing everything in my power not to look at her text but I couldn 't resist . If it was something disrespectful , I had to fire back . I couldn 't let it sit and wait until later because then ; she would feel like she won whatever childish dispute was going on between us . The road was clear ahead of me , so I reached down and grabbed the phone as my son kept replaying the same accident over and over . " Interrogate him ? You should be the one interrogated for posing as a man ! You 're not a man ! A . J . will be ashamed once he knows who his father really is ! " She sent a cold chill down my spine . She knew what buttons to press to piss me off . My son kept playing with his cars in the back seat , yelling out " Boom ! " every few seconds as I drove . I looked up to make sure the road was clear and with that , I put one thumb on the screen and began firing off my response . " Boom ! Boom ! " Just after I pressed send , I looked up , but it was too late . An SUV was coming at us full speed on the same side that my son was seated . My mouth dropped open , and before I could say a word , the truck smacked into the side of our car and flipped us over like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind . When we came to a stop , our car was flipped over on the hood as blood trickled down from my forehead and onto the ceiling which was now the floor . I called out to him in a faint voice , struggling to hold onto my consciousness . I slowly turned my head back to him as he was suspended in the air and the only thing that was keeping him from hitting the bottom were the straps of his car seat . His side of the car was caved in as blood dripped from his head . The window beside him had completely shattered , and as I reached back to him , I finally lost consciousness . I looked up at her as she stood at my table with a pen and a pad of paper in her hand . She was young and attractive . She seemed like she was either a single parent reaching to make ends meet or a College student doing what she had to so that she could keep some money in her pocket . Her hair was tied up in a ponytail , and there were a few loose strands that fell over her forehead . She pushed them to the side as she smiled , waiting for me to order . She turned and walked away . She could have been just trying to let me down easily because she didn 't have to add to her reason but at this point in my life , I didn 't care . The rejection wasn 't something I was afraid of . There was either going to be a yes or a no and either way ; I would live with it . My son , though ? He wouldn 't have that chance and even though the accident happened five years ago , my mind still replayed it like it was something that just occurred . I leaned back as the patrons continued to flood into the restaurant . It was more of a bar than anything else , but there was an area where you could sit and dine and across the room , there were a wet bar and a dancefloor for those who wanted to cut a rug . The atmosphere around me was a bit cloudy , but I didn 't mind . It added to the peculiarity of my personality . Unclear . Foggy . Ambiguous . Enigmatic . I reveled when people used those words to describe me . It meant that I came off to them exactly how I wanted to . After my son 's death , I developed tunnel vision . The psychiatrists I was referred to stated that the path I was headed down was unhealthy . " Mr . Eddison , you are powering straight towards a profound and dark depression . You cannot keep shutting people out and holding onto the bitterness that lives inside of you . It is going to make you rotten from the inside out and cut your life in half . " I sat up on the awkward couch that I was forced to lie on , " The more I let people in , the more bitter I become and by the way things are going in this world , it would be better to be dead than deal with the nuances of this life . I 'm fine where I am and quite frankly , Dr . Slowerwizt - " he interrupted me , " Whatever . You are wasting your time with me . You could be using this slot to help someone who wants your help than to be with me and continue to allow me to patronize you and your profession . I have been sending barbs at you all day , but I guess you can 't catch on to my sarcasm . Common sense is not something they teach you . You have to be born with it . " The sessions never went well , and finally , my lieutenant let me off the hook so I could do my job . I went from a regular patrol officer to a detective in eight years on the force . I loved my job , and it was only because I could get lost in it and forget about the things that were happening in my life . My wife made the divorce final just one year after my son 's death . Soon after that , she packed up and moved across the country to California . I blamed her for his death , but it wasn 't her fault . It wasn 't her fault at all ; I just couldn 't find the strength to shoulder the blame on my own . I am a man , but I have my flaws , and that was one of them . I could face anything in life except going to the grave and apologizing to my son for ending his life well before it should have . I sighed and took my hat off just as the pretty waitress brought my food to the table . She smiled and walked away as she switched back and forth . She made her case , but now , I just thought she was working for a bigger tip . Life had made my cynical even though most would say that it was one of the effects of bitterness . To hell with them all . I popped the napkin open and stretched it across my lap and no sooner , he walked in . I put my hat back on to cover my eye sight as I watched him walk to his table . A pretty boy . Tall , chocolate and deep , wavy hair that most men would kill to have . He wore a fitted shirt that showed off his physique as two women draped on each side of him . He was a player and women knew that . They knew it , but when you have looks and money , none of that matters . Most women will put up with your flaws when you have it made like that and the more money you have , the more they will put up with . It was like clockwork . He was the guy , though . He was the one that the agency had their eye on . He had a slew of women at his disposal and periodically , a few would come up missing with him being the last person they were with . None of us could get a hook into him , though . The women that were with him kept their mouths shut at all costs . It was like trying to pry open the mouth of a hungry alligator while his dinner was locked inside . Nothing was coming out . I watched him walk over to his VIP booth that overlooked the first floor of the restaurant . His haughty gaze brushed over the patrons below him as if we were all his peasants and he was the king of the city . In his mind , he was , but that was far from the truth . This was my city and the only people that didn 't know it was the ones that hadn 't been crushed by my hands . I took a sip of wine just as he looked in my direction . Right now , he was a man that was seemingly able to side - step the grim reaper , but I had my sights on him , and he knew it . He puckered his lips at me and then smiled . Taunting . It wasn 't too long ago that I was at his house asking him questions about the last missing woman . Just behind him , another female stood with her arms folded over her chest , pushing her breasts up on top of her arms . He turned around to see where my eyes were fixated , His smile immediately wiped away and from that point , he refused to answer anything without his lawyer present . We didn 't have concrete evidence about anything so we couldn 't go any further . Ever since then , three more girls had come up missing , and all were with the same MO . From that point on , he had become the only light in my tunnel vision . I took a bite of salmon , and before I knew it , the same woman that stood behind him at his house stood in front of me . She licked her lips and took it upon herself to pull a chair out , " I hope you don 't mind if I join you . " She said it in a way that said she would be shocked if I said that I did mind . I was torn on the decision myself . She was easy on the eyes , full bodied and pretty . Not movie star pretty , but she was pretty . " For me ? I mean , listen , he sent me down here to extend the offer . I will look like a failure if I can 't do something as small as bringing you back with me . I mean , " she leaned forward , " WE , would appreciate it if you came with us . " I couldn 't avoid what she was flaunting . It was a weakness of mine that I spent time after time praying to God for forgiveness about . I hadn 't visited a church in months , and that wasn 't the main reason that I gave in , but it had a lot to do with it . I took another bite as she pleaded with me earnestly and after she had batted her eyes a few times , her long eyelashes fluttering like butterfly wings , I gave in . It wasn 't because of her pleading ; it was more so that I wanted another shot at Mike . He was too comfortable , and I hated that . I hated that more than anything else . Upstairs , the suite was decked out . Champaign on every table , the lights were low , women scantily clad . If I were in my younger days , I would 've indulged myself but I was much older now and besides that , it just wasn 't my thing anymore . I couldn 't care less about getting drunk and reckless . Mike extended has hand to me when I made it up there , " Detective Rawlons . Good to see you again . " I shook his hand firmly , my lips tight , jawbones gyrating inside my mouth . " What is this about ? " He laughed , " Oh , come on , Detective . I thought we would be on good terms now . I mean , after all , you guys did come back with a search warrant and the whole nine , but you guys couldn 't find anything . Now , " he leaned towards me , " You guys did trash a few wings of my home but hey , those were materialistic things . They can be replaced and have been , but I 'm willing to let bygones be bygones here . I mean , I 'm even the one inviting you up here with me . I 've buried the hatchet , and I think we can have a good relationship . " He put his arm around me , but I swiftly smacked it off . " I am not your friend , nor will I ever be . You understand that now and there won 't be any need for you to invite me up next time . You still have the stench of kidnapped bodies and missing women on you , and if it is the last thing I do , I will sniff it out . " Mike glared at me and for a moment , I believed he was going to swing at me . I wanted him to . I was looking for a reason to put my fist to his jaw and send him crashing to the ground . He was a few inches taller than me and as he peered in my direction , nostrils flaring , he decided against it and suddenly , a smile appeared across his face . I was disappointed that he didn 't take his shot . " Well , Detective , you are going to have a long road ahead of you , following a scent that is not even there . " I squinted my eyes and looked around the room at the women that perused the VIP area . Some walked around gauntly while others were smiling as if they were just happy to be around . I made eye contact with her . She sucked on her cigarette and blew the smoke out , then quickly turned away from me . I knew who she was because I never forget a face . I turned to Mike , " Thanks for bringing me up . I 'm sure we will bump heads later . " He laughed , " Alright , Detective . You can keep chasing ghosts and pass up on all these beautiful women . I 'll tell you what , though , I will not make another offer for you to leave the slums and dine with a king . " I stopped in my tracks as I walked away from him , wanting to turn back around and empty my clip into his chest . He continued , " And if I catch you on my property again , harassing me with that nonsense , you will regret it . I will make sure of it . " I took the cigar out of my pocket and relit it , leaving a cloud of smoke behind me as I left the VIP room . My home was in shambles . I hadn 't cleaned in over a month , but I didn 't see a need to . I was barely home , and things seemed to be easier to find whenever I didn 't put them up somewhere . I grabbed a cup of room temperature water from the table and took a few swallows of it . Only God knew how long it had been there , but I didn 't care . It wasn 't a time for me to be picky about it . I pulled out my phone and flipped through the contact list until I got to his name . " Listen , Breeze , I hear you . I hear you loud and clear , but it is not about what we know , it is what we can prove . We can 't take some hair - brained case to the prosecution . She will laugh us out of the office , and I know she will tell Lieutenant Branderson . You know she will . " " Listen , man , I 'm sorry , alright ? I 'm sorry , and you know I usually have your back on these things . I had it when nobody else did . I 'm the one that went to his house with you when we didn 't even have a warrant , but enough is enough . If he is guilty , it 'll show . We just have to wait . " There was a brief silence between us . I knew he had already made his line in the sand , and he wasn 't going to cross it , so it would be up to me to find those girls . I don 't know why it drove me to this point , but if I had to guess , it was because I know what a missing child can do to a family . I 'd seen first - hand how A . J . 's death ripped whatever strands were left of my marriage apart . Not only my marriage but my reclusiveness had even driven me away from my family . Instead of pulling everyone close together , it pushed me away . As the silence lingered between us like a thick , morning fog , I hung up my phone and placed it on the crowded table . What did I have to lose , I thought to myself as I picked up the glass of water and took another swallow . The warm water slid down my throat like backwash as I looked around my apartment . Nothing was hanging on the wall except a picture of A . J . , his broad smile jetted across his face , exposing the missing front tooth that had fallen out just days before he was set to take his school pictures . " It 's alright , man , the little girls will love your smile . Just tell them you got into a fight and they won 't think twice of it . " I remembered giving him that little pep talk the day before he was set to take the pictures . I walked up to it and removed it from the glass so I could fold it and shove it into my pocket . I wanted to make sure I had it with me because , for some reason , I knew I wasn 't going to be home . Not for a while . Leave a reply I walked inside to inquire about where the help was needed . An old man stood behind the register . His round belly extended out further than it should have . His suspenders went down his sides instead of his stomach ; no belt would have a chance of reaching around his waist . There were a few patrons in the store . A tall , slender man stood in line with a carton of milk in his hand . I took my place in line right behind him . The store looked much different from the mom and pops stores in Idlewild . No ceiling fans and no screen doors that popped when it crashed to a close . It was very foreign to me . A young woman walked past me and headed to the register where the over - sized man stood . We made brief eye contacted . I tipped the front of my hat towards her , and she smiled . The man behind the counter noticed our interaction and slapped his hand on the table , She continued smiling at me as she walked towards the register , seemingly paying no attention to the old man 's threat . The old man waddled from behind the counter . I figured he was the one I needed to talk with . I followed him towards the back of the store . He kept walking as if he didn 't hear me . I spoke a little louder as I stepped closer to him . Still no response . He was near his office when I finally reached out and grabbed him by his shoulder . He spun around ; his belly just inches from where I stood . He had lit a cigarette on the way to his office , and it dangled out of his mouth as he spoke . His voice was raspy , and his words seemed to all come out at once . It sounded as if he was gargling his words , He blew smoke from his cigarette into the air . His goatee was almost entirely gray . He was bald , except around the sides . He had to have been close to 45 years old , but not more than 50 . He touched my biceps and shoulders . I stood there , confused as to what he was doing . " Pick up this here box , " he pointed to the bottom shelf , " and put it up here , " he pointed to the top shelf . I placed my hat on the shelf and did what he asked . " Ummmhmmm , " he said as the cigarette dangled out of his mouth . I spoke up , " I just need something to - " he cut me off again , " This is only gonna ' be temporary until my son gets outta ' jail . When can you start ? " His words were too mumbled for me to understand him , " Suh ? " I asked . He took the cigarette out of his mouth and held it in his hands . " I said when can you start ? Are you hard a hearin ' , too ? " I could only make out a few words , but I guessed at what he said , hoping I was right , " I can start today . " I guessed right . " Hold on right here , " he mumbled as he placed the cigarette back in his mouth and walked back into his office . I glanced around the mom - and - pop store . It was larger than any store in Idlewild . Josephine walked past the aisle I stood in , sweeping up the front of the market . Her dress stopped just below her knees . Her hair was cut in a bobbed shape . She wasn 't the prettiest woman , but by far , she wasn 't the ugliest . It wasn 't her appearance that intrigued me , though ; it was her aura . She started down my aisle but quickly reversed her steps moments later when Leroy headed back in my direction . " Here ya ' go , " he said , handing me an all - black apron , " You wear this when you come in tomorrow . Your responsibilities will be to help keep the place clean . Sweeping , mopping and cleaning the restrooms . Stock the shelves , take out the trash and run errands for me when I need it . Be here at 7 am . Not 7 : 01 , not 7 : 02 , 7 am sharp . If you are late , I dock ya ' pay for that day . " " Thank you , suh , " I said as I held the apron in my hand . He began walking away but turned around abruptly to say his last words , " And one last thing . Do NOT mess with that girl here . That girl right up front sweepin ' up . You see that girl " , he grabbed my shoulders and pointed at her , then looked me in the eyes , " OFF . LIMITS . You hear me ? " I put my hat back on , and he released me so that I could head out of the store . She smiled at me again when I walked out . " Josephine ! " the man yelled , " What I tell you , huh ! ? Finish sweepin ' and then come round ' back here and sort these papers out ! " I had a feeling she would be trouble . It was 1 am when the phone rang . I was too tired to get up to answer . It was 2 : 20 am when I heard aggressive knocks at my door . I lifted my head up , taking a moment to recollect myself as the knocks turned into bangs . My bare feet slid lazily across the cool , wooden floor as I crept to the door . " Who is it ? " I asked in a raspy voice . She yelled , " Ehhis , open up this door ! Who else is comin ' over here before the rooster crows ? ! " I was tempted to leave her outside , but I knew she would do nothing but bang louder until I opened up . I opened the door , and she pushed her way past me before I could get a good look at her . " Where is that Hussie at ! ? " She yelled as she frantically searched the apartment , " I know she 's in here ! Where is she at ! ? " She walked antagonistically through the apartment in a nightgown with a scarf over her head , opening and closing closet doors and cabinets in the pantry . She looked under the bed and behind furniture . I shook my head , walked lazily back to my bed and crept under the covers . She turned on the lamp in my room moments later and stood at the foot of my bed . " Ehhis , where you been all day , huh ? I been calling you and calling you and you haven 't answered . I even came by earlier today . Now WHERE have you been negro ? " Her anger and foolishness were momentarily hidden by her beauty . It had the innate ability to calm me down in heated moments . I answered her peacefully , " I was out looking for work . " She relaxed her stance , taking her hands off of her hips , " Oh , " she said , her voice beginning to soften . I spoke , " I don 't do it as much as I should on account of all my time going to you . " She sat down on the bed as I scooted my way into an upright position , I shook my head in amazement at the range of emotions she exhibited in the last 10 minutes . From rage to happiness , to concern . I spoke to her , " I was sleepin ' peacefully till ' you came in here with all that ruckus . " She gently guided me back down on the bed and tucked me in . Moments later , she turned off the light and was tucked in next to me on the other side . " Ehhis , I 'm sorry for acting a fool . Sometimes , I just think the worst in situations like that . I know you a good man , but that alone makes me think every woman in Harlem wants a piece of you . I mean , not just that you 're a good person , but you 're quite a handsome fellow as well . I 'm just scared of losing you . " The warmth of her body was comforting as she scooted closer to me and placed her arm on my stomach . I responded as she readjusted herself . " Yeah , but even with that , I have to be willing to go along with them if I was to cheat . It 's all on me . " She sighed , " I know Ehhis , I 'm sorry , though , ok ? I ' ma do better by you , I promise . Now , let 's get some shut - eye . You gotta ' get you some rest . 7 am ain 't slowin ' down on account of my craziness . " My alarm went off at 6 am , and I slapped the clock on my nightstand to silence . The abrupt movement caused my lady to re - adjust herself in the bed . The room was sweltering . A dry , humid air rested in the room on account of the window that was left open all night . I looked at her . She was still peacefully asleep , her face slightly glistening from sweat . Her scarf had come off in the middle of the night and exposed the silky appearance of the hair that flowed from her head . I gently moved the hair off her forehead and kissed her . The sweat clung to my lips as I walked away from her . She was a heavy sleeper . I got out of bed , searched the closet for clothes and headed to the bathroom . By the time I was cleaned up , the clock had read 6 : 44 am . I walked back into the room . She had kicked the covers onto the floor and was sprawled out on her back . She only had on her undergarments . Her thick thighs were exposed , resting peacefully on the top of the mattress . Her breasts sat up perfectly inside her bra like they were wide awake , waiting to be released from their prison . I walked over to her , running an ice cube across her forehead . She opened her hazel eyes slowly . I kissed her on the lips , and she smiled , I smiled and left . The walk went quicker than I thought it would . The street was quiet . Much quieter than I had ever heard it . Crickets chirped loud until the moment I got closer to them . Street lights were flickering off . A few men with factory clothes on came out of their apartments and headed down the same sidewalk with lunchboxes in their hands . I looked down a little further , and a group of men with the same outfits stood at the bus stop . We exchanged silent pleasantries as I walked past . I got to the mom - and - pop store and tried to push the door open . It was locked . I cupped my hand to the glass door and peeked in , trying to see inside . Seconds later , the store 's owner appeared seemingly out of nowhere and tapped the window . Startled , I jumped back . He peered at me from the other side of the glass , lip curled up like a Rottweiler , shaking his head with a cigarette hanging out his mouth . He finally opened the door , " Hey , you only five minutes early , " All of his words running together . I looked at my chain watch , " Yes , suh . You said sev - " , He cut me off , I tied it around my waist and headed to the back of the store with him . The girl I saw yesterday stood behind the counter as I walked past her . She smiled as I bowed my head to her behind the owner 's back . In the rear of the store , he barked out directions to me . " Take these a here boxes and empty em ' out . Everything in these boxes right here " , he pointed , " Go in aisle 5 and 6 . These a here boxes go in aisle 7 and 8 . " The cigarette hung onto the edge of his lips with each word . He seemed like the type of person that preferred an early morning cigarette over a cup of coffee . He waddled away from me , but not before he tossed me a box cutter . The slim , silver case was cold in my hands . It felt like I had officially begun my first job . I started stacking the shelves with everything from peanut butter and crackers to paper towels and dish detergent . I rehearsed poems in my head as I worked , " Scuse me , " She interrupted my train of thought . I sliced another box open with the cutter as my silence made a response for me . She spoke again , " I just figured you needed a towel or something . It can get kinda ' warm in this establishment and you are building up quite a sweat back here . " The sleeves of my white , collared shirt were rolled up midway on my forearm . I wiped the sweat from my head with it . " No ma ' am , I can make it . That was a mighty kind gesture , though . " She seemed bashful , lowering her head towards the ground as she smiled . She looked young , but could 've passed for any age between 16 and 25 . Her body was fully grown , but it was her personality that threw me off . " I don 't mean to pry , " she said , " but were you back here talkin ' to yourself before I showed up ? " I looked at her , picked up a box and carried it over to a shelf , " No ma ' am . " I was terse with her . The owner told me to stay away from her , and I didn 't want to ruffle any feathers . She followed me to the shelf . " Well , do you have an imaginary friend of some sort ? " I took a few things out of the box and neatly stacked them on the ledge , " no ma ' am . " There was an awkward silence between us as I wiped my forehead of sweat and unloaded the final objects from the box and headed back to the rear of the store . She followed me again . I prayed that someone would walk into the store so she would have to attend to them . I hated to imagine what would happen if the owner came back into the store and saw us chit chatting after his explicit warning to me . I took the box cutter and sliced open the next box . " Listen , " she said , " I don 't know if you shy or just rude . I 'm hoping you just a shy country boy in a new city . How do I know you from the country ? Cuz yo ' tongue is the laziest thing I 've ever heard in my entire life . Now , before I jump to the conclusion , I want to ask you . Did my Uncle say anything to you to have you actin this a way towards me ? " The way she spoke to me led me to believe that she was much more mature that what she initially seemed . She was a lot more aggressive and straight forward than I pegged her to be . I took another box and headed back towards the shelf . She followed me around like a little sister . I spoke as I placed more items on the ledge , " He just said that I need to keep my distance from you , you know . And I don 't wanna ' disobey his orders . I don 't wanna ' get fired on account of speakin ' with you . " She let out a laugh from the pit of her belly , " Shoot , that old hound said that ? I tell ya ' , that man is so over - protective of me . Ever since my dad passed a few years back , he 's been this bodyguard type of old man for me . Well , at least that 's what he thinks he is . If he had his way , I 'd die old and alone . In his eyes , no man is right for me . They all cheaters and dogs . I just say that 's karma for him , ya ' know ? He must 've been some kinda ' womanizer in his day . " I let out a chuckle . I couldn 't imagine him being a womanizer . I believed his appearance hit its peak when he was born , and it went downhill from there . She continued , " I am a 24 - year - old woman , " she put her hands on her hips as if she was posing for a photograph , " he can 't keep me away from men for forever , " I smiled , " Honey , don 't worry bout ' that . As long as I like ya ' , you 're gonna ' be here . I am the apple of his eye and believe it or not , " She held up her pinky , " I got Uncle Leroy wrapped around this pretty little finger of mine . " I placed more items on the shelf . " Poetry ? " I headed towards the back to get another box , and she was right there with me with each step , " Yes , Poetry . Why did you respond that way ? " I cut the box open and wiped more sweat from my brow , " Not right now . I 'm a Lil ' busy . " I picked the box up and carried it to the aisle . " Oh , come on . You were just back here sayin ' one to yo ' imaginary friend just a few moments ago . " I stacked the ledge , " Fine , I won 't push anymore . It 's a spot that just opened up over on 125th . They play jazz music there . Maybe we can check it out . I used to date a guy that does security for them and reckon we still on good terms . Maybe I can get us in for no charge . It might spark some creativity in you , or you could make some umm … poetry connections or something . " She finally had gotten my full attention . I thought her suggestion wasn 't a bad idea . I could check out the place and maybe it would lead to more opportunities . Besides , I never thought of how my poetry would sound behind something like a live band . My imagination began flowing as soon as she mentioned jazz music and the excitement burst out of my mouth in the form of an unexpected question , " Just remember , " she said with raised eyebrows , " you owe me . But , instead of money , you can pay me in poetry . And I 'd like my payment upfront . " I smiled , " Ok , I guess I can give it to you now . " She clapped her hands as a big smile jetted across her face . Just as I began saying the poem , the bell rung on top of the front door of the store . It was the day 's first customer . She slapped her hands together , I laughed as she headed towards the front of the store . My words followed her down the aisle as she scurried away , " You 'll get your payment , I promise ! " She turned back towards me as she continued walking , " Oh , I know I will ! I 'm not the least bit worried about that ! " I couldn 't tell if she was flirting or if she was just a friendly person , but if I had to choose , it would be the latter . I smiled to myself when she was out of sight . After I had wiped more sweat from my head , I yelled towards the front of the store , " Oh , and I could use one of them towels now , ma ' am ! Please . " She yelled back , " Ok ! " There was a brief pause ; then she yelled again , " And stop calling me ma ' am like I 'm 50 - leven years old ! My name is Josephine ! "

* It happened already . Remember I told you about the dental student who cruised the produce section while I hid in the back at the deli ? Remember that I said someday I would come face - to - face with a professor or student ? Yeah , well , that happened today . I had to show someone where to find beef broth , and as I was walking back to the deli , passed Laura , a girl who I used to hang out with at dental school functions . She said ( in an incredulous tone of voice ) " Marcy ? " I kept walking . Didn 't hesitate or turn around or even cry . Just marched back to the deli . I feel bad because she was really nice , but there I was in my stupid hat at my stupid job and I just couldn 't face her . I 'm sorry I suck , Laura . * I am greatly bothered by wondering if my older sister 's family is still in touch with Ex . I don 't want to ask , because I don 't think I could tolerate it if they were . It 's too much . The betrayal is too harsh . I don 't need to know . I want to know . Oh , how I want to ask . . . * My landlord bothers me because he JUST NOW cashed my rent check from October . Um , it 's almost January and you are cashing this check now ? Now that I have no money ? Now that I have stupidly quit my cushy job at the doctor 's office ? Thanks . A lot . * I am seriously bothered because I met a Dude who I really like . He is really nice and sweet and I really like him and I really don 't want to , because these things do not generally end well for me . Plus , I haven 't talked to him in two days , so that bothers me , too . Is he done with me already ? I know he is really busy these last two days , so on the surface , I am not bothered . Under the surface is turmoil like you would not believe . * My dreams are bothering me big time . I have been having nightmares about school and not measuring up as a child . These dreams are so realistic that it is hard to come out of them . I have had spurts of bad dreams throughout my entire life . The dreams start out just barely disturbing me and get worse and worse until along come the nights when I wake up screaming or crying . Good . Times . * I 'm bothered because I have a friend who was in my therapy group and stopped because she disagreed with her therapist , and now she is lost . I tried to help her set up an appointment with another therapist , but it didn 't work out . My friend does not seem to be the most stable of people . I don 't know her very well but I think she is really nice . It bothers me that she may be in danger from herself . * I 'm bothered that my house is messy and maybe that is why Dude hasn 't called me the last two days . I am sure I am projecting my own insecurities . Easy to say , hard to own . * I 'm bothered by breathing . Sometimes I just get sick of breathing and want to stop . Posted by I feel like typing this in all upper case today . But that is hard to read and sounds like yelling . I want to yell . This subject bothers me . Here is a picture of Ex sitting on the couch , wrapped up all nice and warm in the afghan my mom made for us . He loved that afghan and would spend most of the winter on the couch , on unemployment from getting fired from his latest job , snuggled up in the afghan . He rarely shared with me . Who am I kidding ? I never tried to share . Like a dog that has been kicked too many times , I had stopped trying to snuggle with him or get any sign of affection at all . There was none . I think my sister and her family still see Ex . My older sister , to clarify . The one who stopped speaking to me for over a year because of her messed up thinking . Yeah , that one . They were here a few days after Christmas and I swear my nephew whispered something about Aunt Marcy and Uncle Ex . My sister frowned and shook her head violently ; my little nephew looked at me and bit his lip . A few months ago , I was at their house , hanging out in the backyard while my brother - in - law grilled . My little nephew said " I 'm related to everyone in my family except . . . " and then stopped talking abruptly and gave me a look . Am I just paranoid ? I 'm curled up in my afghan now , wondering . I almost left the brown afghan for Ex . I have several others and knew he would enjoy it and get more use out of it . Luckily , I came to my senses before leaving and took it with me . Ex didn 't deserve the mud on my shoe . He had better not be messing with my family . I 'm afraid to ask them because if they do still see him , I don 't think I would be able to be around them anymore , and I really love my nephews . What a mess . Zero is round . I am zero . I am round with no corners . I used to have edges ; then I started taking a certain medication and my edges and corners rounded out . I hate that I am zero . Zero means no quantity or number . I am zero . There is nothing to quantify my presence here on Earth . " Take a number , " they say . I took a number . It was zero . Zero is never called . It is skipped over . I am zero . Zero has no meaning except as place holder . In 405 , for example , the zero is not usually even said . Four - oh - five . Zero is forgotten . I am zero . Zero is sometimes confused for the letter " O " . They look alike . They have entirely different meanings . Zero does not even have its own shape . It is not worth the effort . I am zero . I used to count . I used to matter . I used to be of use in this world . I was much more than zero . Then I gave Ex all that I was and he showed me that , to him , I was zero . I didn 't matter . I didn 't count . I didn 't exist . Ex was the one person in the world that I thought would put me first . The one person who would love me more than he loved anyone else . He was my husband . Shouldn 't I count ? No . Ex made that clear . To him , I am zero . Has anyone ever sat in a room with one hundred and eight peers and been told that you are the best and the brightest ? That the odds of you succeeding are 98 % ? That your intelligence is so far above average that you are in a different class now ? I have . Getting into dental school was not that hard . It should have been nearly impossible . Most people who start on the predental track in undergrad don 't finish because it is too hard . Most of those who do finish don 't have a high enough GPA or score high enough on the DAT or have enough volunteer hours to compete with those few who do . The few who are invited for interviews stammer and don 't give the correct answers . Very few applicants are accepted to dental school . I was . You think I 'm bragging ? Nope . I 'm not proud , not even that I got into dental school TWICE . That 's impossible , you say . What would even be the point of that ? Because my divorce was finalized July 29 , 2010 , and school started ten days later . I was a mess . Couldn 't eat , couldn 't sleep , couldn 't concentrate , couldn 't pass the tests . All of my class grades were dismal . The only thing that barely saved me was my lab grades . I was good at that . My GPA didn 't measure up for two semesters in a row , which means automatic dismissal from dental school . I appealed and they let me take a year off and start fresh . I did . Then I flunked out again . My GPA was something like 0 . 02 points lower than it needed to be . The Academic Standards committee decided I wasn 't dental school material after all . I was not one of the best and the brightest . I was the two percent . My intelligence did not measure up . I was a failure . It is 12 : 27 on Christmas morning . I don 't actually like the abbreviation to Xmas , but I needed an X and Xmas is timely . I was going to write about Christmas 2013 , but , in keeping with the theme of this blog , will write about a past Christmas instead . We had two as husband and wife . Which one was worse ? Hard to say . I keep rewriting this . I can 't pick . I don 't feel like telling you in detail what happened on either Christmas , so I think I will tell you bits and pieces . * Ex and I went to dinner with my sister and mom on Christmas Eve . He pulled his chair out and sat at the end of the table instead of beside me . I told him I wouldn 't bite and he grumpily moved his chair back beside me . As we were leaving , Ex harshly grabbed my arm and started telling me how he did not appreciate my manipulation and what a bitch I was . He was saying this very loudly in a room full of people while gripping my arm . I finally got away and just left . I was so embarrassed . I just wanted to disappear . Ex followed me and nothing was ever said about his actions . I hope my mom and sister didn 't know what was going on . They had walked out first and I think they were just waiting in the lobby for us , not knowing what was taking so long . I hope . * Ex 's mom called him on Christmas morning and Ex immediately stopped talking to me . He didn 't sit beside me at dinner and if I tried to join in a conversation he was having , he would get up and leave . My brother - in - law invited Ex out for coffee and when they came back , Ex wanted to talk to me in private . He told me that his mom wasn 't doing well and he was upset . I asked why that would make him not talk to me all day and he just shrugged and left the room . We hadn 't been married long enough for me to know that this would be a continuing theme in the relationship : his mom would upset him and then he would take it out on me . Happened a LOT . * We had a family picture with all of the relatives . Everyone hugged their significant others and sat with their kids . Everyone except me and Ex , anyway . The picture of that Christmas gathering shows a glaring Ex sitting cross - legged on the floor . He looks zoned out and angry . I 'm standing beside my mom , who saw I was hurt and put her arm around me . I 'm trying not to cry in our family picture . ( This was , of course , the same day Ex had not been speaking to me . He was charming and nice to everyone else and ignored me completely . ) * And embarrassing . * Ex had been working out of state for about six months . He came home one weekend and told me he had a wart on his penis . From then on , we used condoms . Why did I still sleep with him even though he was almost undoubtedly cheating on me ? Who knows . Sex was rare , at least . I 've come a long way since then . Bastard . What does this have to do with Christmas ? Because a memory that is burned in my mind is the one of him throwing the used condom in a field after we had sex ( for the first time in months ) in the car on Christmas . He - Who - Does - Not - Litter , littering . With a used condom . Do you have no sense of shame ? On our honeymoon , he told me he would divorce me if I ever littered . And he was serious . What a hypocrite . I 've told you before that Ex 's dog came to live with us when we got married . She had been at his mom 's house for years , but Ex 's mom was glad to get rid of her as soon as possible . I loved this dog . She was seventeen , arthritic , diabetic , going blind and deaf , and just the nicest dog ever . She was my best friend while I was married to Ex . She needed someone to take good care of her and I needed someone to love me . Ex didn 't do either , so she and I took care of each other . Ex and I went to the lake one summer afternoon and took her with us . She needs a name . Her real name was stupid . Ex 's friend 's girlfriend 's name . Shante . SO , Shante was happy to be at the beach and was having a good time wading in the water with me . Neither one of us ventured in very far . I didn 't because I couldn 't swim , and she didn 't because she was old . Then stupid Ex decided she needed to swim like she used to when he was a teenager . He came charging up , grabbed her collar , and began dragging her into deep water . She got a panicked look on her face and began feebly paddling . Stupid Ex ( that 's all I can call him for this post . Stupid Ex . ) was holding on to her collar and making her paddle in circles . He got really ( ! ) mad at me when I saved her . He yelled at me all the way home about that one , telling me that she loved to swim and that I was an idiot for not letting her . Then he stopped speaking to me for a few days . I rarely stood up to Ex , but Shante was my friend and she needed help , so I helped her . I kind of hate him right now . If I 'm not crying , why are my eyes wet ? I have been crying a lot lately . I cry myself to sleep almost every night . I wake up crying in the middle of the night . I wake up in the morning and want to cry but have to make myself numb so I can get through the day . On a great note , though : I don 't miss Ex anymore . I still think about him often and wonder what he is up to , but I think I am FINALLY teetering towards the anger portion of grief . Here 's hoping , anyway . I don 't agree , dude . Or do I . . . Do I really want to be free of Ex and all of the pain he put me through , or do I want to continue to wallow in sorrow and say " Poor me " ? I like to think I want to be free but I don 't think I really do . Maybe that is the breakthrough I have been working towards in therapy . Nah , I already knew I didn 't really want to get better . I feel that I deserve to be miserable . I don 't deserve happiness and love . So I guess I do agree . Bummer . Getting up in the morning is the hardest thing I do every day , because in getting up , it means I am going to have to face my life . Some days , I am lucky enough to have the morning free , and on those days I just take care of my dogs and then we all go back to bed . Which means , of course , that I just have to get up again , but it seems like a good idea at the time . Oh , Ex , the power I have given you is ridiculous . I am writing this post under pressure , because I took an Ambien so I can sleep and not cry myself to sleep . Again . So I have approximately 20 minutes before I either pass out or start doing really weird things . [ Um , what ? This , my friends , is what happens when one takes Ambien and types . Not a good plan , yo . Who is this mysterious " Stephen " ? What is " tnat " and " / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / " ? I most definitely should delete it but at first I found it very funny . Now I find it terribly sad . Either way , it made a clear statement : my life is unlivable at this moment . Things can get so bad so fast that the only way to cope is to drug myself into oblivion . What did happen was that I was working at the deli and looked up to see this guy from dental school cruising the produce section . Luckily , I saw him first , so I went in the back and hid . I 'm pretty sure he didn 't see me . At some point , however , I 'm going to have to face someone , whether it be a student or old professor , while I 'm working at the deli . My therapist says I need to radically accept the situation . I refuse to accept that I work in a deli when I was well on my way to becoming a dentist . I already have to deal with people who knew me when I worked there three years ago , asking what happened to dental school . I tell them it wasn 't for me . This is true . It was beyond the scope of my capabilities at the given time . I can barely work 30 hours at the stupid deli without being completely exhausted . I can 't do this much longer . ] I have been contemplating this post for a while ; trying to decide how much to share . It 's embarrassing . I would rather not think about this at all , but decided I need to get it out of my soul . So here it is : The Tale of the Epic Tantrum , in all of its glory . This is longer than my regular posts , but there was so much to get out that you 'll just have to bear with me . Ex 's temper was legendary . I don 't know how he kept it under wraps while we were dating , but somehow he managed to hide that huge aspect of his personality . Once we were married , however , there was no filter to the temper . It came out early and often . On this particular occasion , we were at his mom 's house , where Ex 's fuse was always incredibly short . Well , shorter than usual , anyway . Ex had one remaining friend in his hometown . I should be completely open here - Ex had one friend in the entire world . We met Matt ( we 'll call the friend ) out for dinner and drinks and I was having quite a nice night . Ex was animated and joking , laughing and teasing , friendly and drinking . . . He ordered a pitcher of beer and drank the entire thing except for the one glass Matt drank . I didn 't care ; I was driving , and Ex was having a great time , so I was happy . I loved seeing Ex having fun . It was around 1 : 00 AM when we left the bar , but Ex was not ready to go home yet . He told me he knew of a parking lot he wanted to stop in to have sex before returning to his mom 's house . ( This is the embarrassing part , if you couldn 't tell . ) I was game at first , being the overly accommodating wife that I was . But Ex started being incredibly rude , putting me down , calling me names in his " joking " manner , and just being a complete jerk . I drove back to the house instead of the parking lot . And Ex began his tantrum of the century . He started screaming at me , telling me that I hated him and had never loved him . ( I have to think hard here . I blocked this out . It was too much to bear . ) His face was bright red , his eyes bulging out of his head , his fists and jaw clenched . . . does this sound familiar ? Yes , Ex had tantrums all of the time , but this one went on and on and on . He called me a liar and screamed that he didn 't know why I was with him when I hated him so much . He screamed at me for three hours before finally getting out of the car and going in the house . I sat there . I wanted to drive home but knew that Ex would be furious . So I just sat there . Didn 't cry . I had learned that lesson . Ex hated it when I cried and it only exacerbated the situation . Ex came out about an hour later and gruffly told me to get in the house . The sun was coming up when we went in and lay down on the air mattress . I didn 't sleep even though I was exhausted . I guess I 'll make up for not crying then and have a good cry now . Amazing how badly it still hurts . Posted by I have gone back in time to a place when I thought I was happy and everything was okay . I was married and worked in the deli at the local grocery store . I was still working on my undergraduate and was working there when I found out that I was accepted to dental school . I was working there when I left Ex and then found out that he was trolling craigslist two days later for a date . I quit because I was afraid that Ex would come in and find me . He knew my schedule and that was back when I still ( ! ) thought that he cared . The same core group of people still work there . The managers and the full - timers are the same . The product is the same . It is like stepping back in time . I got a twenty - five cent raise . I still won 't make enough to make ends meet . Christmas is coming up and I doubt I will get to see my family . I don 't have the money or the time off . I tutor on Tuesdays and Saturdays , but only a few hours each day , so it doesn 't add up to much . I don 't have the ability to have a " real " job right now . I 've had about nine jobs in the past three years . Can 't stand to stay at one job , can 't make myself get up every day , day in and day out , and go to the same , boring job . I 'm stuck in a downward spiral and I don 't see a way out . We had just barely started dating when Ex asked me to go to his cousin 's wedding in Colorado . I told him I didn 't think I could afford it , so I wasn 't sure I could go . Really , I just didn 't know him well enough and thought it was too soon to travel with him . Ex decided this meant that I was going with him , so when the time came and I didn 't go , Ex got really upset . He thought I was dumping him , even though we had been going out for over five months . Ex came home from the wedding and didn 't talk to me for almost two weeks . This was back when I was still independent and didn 't have the self - esteem of a slug , so I didn 't really worry about it . When Ex asked me out to dinner , I said yes and thought nothing of it . During dinner , Ex confessed that he went on a date during that week of silence . I got mad and dumped him on the spot . Again , this was back when I was smart . So Ex showed up at my house the next day . He had bought a guitar and taught himself how to play " Open the Door to Your Heart " and brought dozens of huge , beautiful red roses . I made him stand outside , and can still clearly remember him propping the door open with one knee while singing and playing clumsily , while trying not to cry . Then he cried . Told me how he thought I didn 't love him anymore , and how hopeless he felt , and how he had never met anyone like me before , with such a capacity to love . Told me how sorry he was , and how stupid it had been , and that nothing but a dinner had happened , and that he loved me more than life itself . Told me that he wanted to be with me forever . All but proposed . You all know I ended my era of being smart right then , and took him back . This was the one and only time Ex ever bought me flowers . I 've never been one for flowers , but now I hate red roses . They remind me that I had escaped Ex , only to take him back when he came crawling . Stupid . Posted by Before we were married , Ex used to come to my house just to hang out with me while I studied . He would bring a book and lie on the couch , using me for a pillow while he read . It was so peaceful and it made me feel very loved . Then we got married . Oops . I noticed that Ex spent an inordinate amount of time with a book open on his lap , but he would just stare at the wall . I wondered if he was just thinking about what he had read , or what , but I never questioned him about it . I thought it was a little strange , but still a lovable habit . It was cute , I thought , and I quietly left him alone with his musings . Towards the beginning of the end of our marriage , Ex enlightened me . He told me that my mere presence was so annoying to him that he couldn 't stand to even read with me anywhere nearby . Even when I was quiet , Ex said , I disturbed him so much that he would stare at the wall instead of reading because he couldn 't stand the interruption of my presence . Here , as promised way back in " I is for Instead " , is the pie story . It was my first Thanksgiving as a married woman and we were spending it with Ex 's mom . Things were strained , because his mom wasn 't doing very well mentally and that stressed Ex out , which made him meaner than usual . And that 's pretty mean . Ex 's sister invited us all over to a friend 's house for Thanksgiving dinner , since Ex 's family was so small and his mom wasn 't up to cooking a huge meal . His mom decided to make a pie , and I helped her . It was a lot of fun ; I mainly stirred the ingredients while she got things out of the cabinets . It looked delicious and I couldn 't wait to try it . As the pie was baking , I decided to study , since I was just on break from school and had finals as soon as we got back home . I was at the dining room table when Ex came in and curtly told me he was going biking . I told him to have fun and went back to my books . Ex went into his mom 's office and began playing on the computer . I thought nothing of it ; he often got distracted with the computer . A few minutes later , out he stormed . His face was bright red , his eyes were teary , his fists and jaw were clenched . He screamed that he couldn 't take it anymore . Just couldn 't stand it . I was shocked . I didn 't know what he was talking about . Then he sobbed that he hated me and wanted a divorce , because I had been snotty when I told him to have a good time biking . His mom disappeared and Ex continued his tirade . He finally wore himself out and went biking , right when we were all supposed to leave for dinner . It ended up that Ex went biking , his mom and sister went to the dinner , and I stayed at the house and sat in a lonely fog of despair . I didn 't cry . I had already learned that tears just made things worse . Ex loved animals . He had a black cat that he had adopted from the local animal shelter , and his mom was currently keeping his dog because she was lonely and needed companionship . Then we got married and took the dog , because it turns out his mom was just keeping her for Ex until he got himself settled . Ex never walked the poor dog and rarely fed her . And most definitely never gave her the diabetic injections she required every twelve hours . He didn 't really even like animals . Ex was a great outdoorsman . He loved to camp and took me camping before we were married . He had a great time and told me how much he loved being outside and listening to the birds at dawn . He loved to hike and climb mountains and I really enjoyed doing these things with him . Then we got married and never spent time together outside unless I suggested it . Ex would go along and gripe the entire time , telling me what I brat I was being and how much he hated me . Oh . Ex really cared about his mom . When we first met , he told me what a terrible mother she had been . He had only negative things to say about her . I pointed that out to him . Instant turn - around . Suddenly , she was a great mom and when she visited , things were wonderful . Ex was loving and attentive and caring towards both of us . Then we got married ; his mom 's slight dementia worsened considerably , and she needed to move in with someone . I suggested that she live with us but Ex said that under no circumstances would she be welcome in his home . She ended up locked in a nursing facility . I went to visit her and take her for walks , but Ex couldn 't be bothered . I couldn 't see her after the divorce . She was basically abandoned at that point . Last I heard , they were changing her sheets three times a day because she was crying so much . Ex moved back to his home town and moved into his mom 's empty house and never visits her . Oh . I waited to have sex until I was married . That does not , however , mean that Ex never spent the night with me . He did quite often . We would fool around and he would whisper all of the " terrible " things he was going to do to me once we were married . When we slept , he kept me wrapped up tightly in his arms . At first , I couldn 't sleep like that . I was used to sleeping alone and frequently moved around . But with Ex , I couldn 't move without disturbing him . I didn 't want to do that , so I would stay still until I fell asleep again . But I wasn 't lying there suffering , wishing I could move - no , I was wrapped up in my man 's arms . My man who loved me so much he was willing to wait for marriage . My man who expressed his love with actions , such as those times I was held in his arms . I would lie there feeling more loved than I ever have before . If Ex woke up and saw I was awake , he might ask if I was alright or just smile at me . He loved me . I knew it . I loved him with all of me . Not all of my heart . All of me . Everything I was went into loving him . Regular readers know that things did not work out as planned . Regular readers know of the nightmare that began on our wedding day . But let 's all just pretend that I didn 't hand him everything I was . Let 's all pretend he didn 't stomp all over me . Let 's all pretend . Posted by Ex invited me and my mom to go visit his mom , who lived in an area with mountains . Not Colorado . Anyway , I didn 't know why he had invited my mom , also , but she was into it , so I was happy . Then Ex proposed and it all made sense ; he wanted our moms to meet before our wedding . What a kind and thoughtful thing to do . Our moms got along splendidly and I thoroughly enjoyed our visit . We did all of the touristy things like going to the nearby national park , art museums , botanical gardens , and ate out a lot . Ex was so nice to me , so polite and thoughtful to both of our moms . I fell even more in love with him on that trip . On one of our last days there , he wanted to climb a mountain that was just a few minutes from his mom 's house . We all went , but it proved to be a bit too challenging for our moms . They encouraged us to go on , and they went back down to sit and rest . Ex and I made it all the way to the peak of the mountain . The view was incredible . Ex and I sat at the top for about ten minutes , just enjoying the view and each other 's company . We had some trail mix and Ex happily chomped it as we sat there . He thanked me for bringing it and held his hand out to help me up . That is the one time I had a good time at his mom 's house . Every other time was after we were married and he always threw a huge temper tantrum and told me how much he hated me and what a terrible person I was . Crying , red - faced , shouting that I didn 't love him . He was so wrong . Ex was a wonderful listener . We went out to play pool on our first date , but we didn 't end up playing many games . I think we played two games and then we just stood there , leaning on our pool cues , talking and talking . I don 't usually talk a whole lot , and rarely opened up to anyone . Ex was different . He was easy to talk to . He listened . He shared . He cared . A few weeks after that first date , Ex came over and handed me a book . " Atlas Shrugged " is a book I had always wanted to read , and I had mentioned it to Ex in one of our lengthy conversations . I didn 't make a big deal about it ; we were just talking about books we had read and I happened to mention wanting to read it . From that insignificant conversation snippet , he not only remembered , but he went to the bookstore and bought me a copy . Making things even more meaningful was the fact that he went to the used bookstore . This was another thing I had mentioned to him . I like thrift stores , used book stores , and reusing things rather than throwing them away and buying new things . Ex really understood me . I still have that book . It hurts to look at now , because it is a reminder that Ex was hiding his true nature before we got married . I just wonder why , since he had already faked it for two years , he couldn 't just continue to be nice . Or at least not mean . I was married for life ; I didn 't even require him to be nice . Just decent enough to live with . He couldn 't even do that for me . * Side note : this is harder to think about than all of the rotten things Ex did during our marriage . I miss the man Ex was before we got married . Posted by I took one Ambien and two Xanax . They did not work . So I added three Clonazepam , two more Ambien , and three more Xanax . The enveloping panic would not go away , so I took even more . I don 't know what I took . I think I just took one more cocktail and then realized that I had taken a frighteningly large amount of medication in a very short amount of time . My psychiatrist answered her phone at 10 : 30 at night and pushed me to find a nearby friend to drive me to the hospital . It was find a friend or she would call 911 . I tried to think of a way to get out of both , but 1 ) I was afraid I might accidentally kill myself , and 2 ) My brain wasn 't working very well . So I called my most loyal friend ( I 'm sorry you have to keep saving me ) and she came to pick me up . Then I woke up on my couch at 1 : 42 the next afternoon . I have no idea what happened in between . I did go to the hospital , I had no traces of charcoal , and my friend told me that they kept me for observation but believed her when she relayed to them what I had told her - that I wasn 't trying to kill myself . The stupid things I do . . . I don 't have to justify my actions . My business is my business . I was talking to someone I considered a friend ( oops ) and she told me I need to get over things and move on and not get stuck in therapy . Excuse me ? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black ! This woman is in her sixties , has been in therapy for over five years , and all the stuff she is working on is from her childhood . I would never dream of telling her to " get over it " , even though she has been in therapy WAY longer than I have , her trauma was WAY longer ago than mine was , and she hasn 't moved on , either . My trauma in a nutshell : sexual and emotional abuse by father , allowed by mother . Met and married a wonderful man ; he turned out to be a sociopath . Older sister got mad because she thought I said something mean and stopped talking to me for over a year , in which I was also not allowed to see my nephews . Then got kicked out of house by sociopathic ex , got divorced , flunked out of dental school , appealed , got back in , flunked out AGAIN . My friend ( a real friend , not the one mentioned above ) had been to the dentist recently and she brought her x - rays for a second opinion . From me . She didn 't tell me what the dentist said because she didn 't want me to be swayed by his diagnosis . I told her what I thought and she said " Damn . That 's exactly what the dentist said . " I am so good at diagnosing from x - rays , making things in lab , etc . My old classmates would work in the lab for hours upon hours and still fail the practical . I would do it three or four times and pass with flying colors . And then I flushed it all down the toilet . I don 't have to justify my depression to anyone . Anyone who thinks I should just " get over it " is an idiot and doesn 't deserve to be in my life . See ya ! This blog , in case you haven 't noticed , is mainly about rotten things that Ex did during our marriage . I started writing them down to get them out and try to start healing . It does help , and I know I 'm in a better place than when I first started writing . But the focus has been on the negative stuff . I was talking to a friend and telling her the story about pecan pie ( watch for P to come back around ) . She looked straight at me and said , " Why did you marry him ? " " Because he was a wonderful boyfriend . I didn 't know he was a sociopath until we were married and it was too late . " Instead of focusing on the negative , I 'm going to tell stories about before we got married . So you won 't think I 'm a fool for marrying him . I was , but not as much as it seems . Sociopaths tend to play nice and wear the nice guy mask until they don 't need to anymore . I had good reasons to fall in love and marry the man I thought I knew . He kept the charade up for two years and tricked me into loving a lie . So instead of telling you the bad , I 'm going to write the good . For just a bit . " P " may be a good place to switch back . We 'll have to wait and see . . . Ex taught me how to snowboard . He was working in Colorado at the time , and there were mountains everywhere , but I started out on the Bunny Hill . I was having a good time sliding down the hill while Ex went on the higher slopes . Towards the middle of the day , I ventured out and we rode the ski lift up to the lowest spot on the mountain . I managed it quite well , so Ex decided to take me with him to the top . I didn 't want to go , but Ex was adamant and I didn 't want to make him mad again . He had stopped speaking to me for three days and I didn 't want a repeat of that , so I got back on the ski lift with a fake smile plastered on my face . I 'm scared of heights . Being on the ski lift and going up the whole mountain was terrifying , especially since Ex kept looking behind us and rocking the seat . We finally made it to the top . It was beautiful . We were up so high that we were in the clouds but could still see for miles . I am glad that I went up there ; the problem was getting back down . The snow up there was practically untouched and very soft . It was a thin ledge , too , so if I went too far to the right , I would fall off of a cliff , and if I went too far to the left , I would , well , fall off of a cliff . After sliding every which way and irritating Ex , I finally just took the snowboard off and started walking . Ex left me , of course . When we met up at the bottom , Ex told me to go back to the Bunny Hill and we agreed to meet up in thirty minutes to ride the ski lift to the lowest point again . So I went back to the Bunny Hill , got my courage back up , and went to the meeting point . No Ex . I waited for 45 minutes . At that point , I was really tired ( falling and getting back up takes a lot of energy ! ) , so I didn 't really mind standing around . However , I was beginning to worry about Ex when he finally slid up . He said he had been waiting for me at the top of the lift . And went down three times . And avoided me , standing there at the bottom in my hard - to - miss lime green jacket and blue gloves . He was so passive - aggressive . Why do I stPosted by I goofed . Big time . I accidentally went on a date today . How , you might be wondering , does a fairly intelligent person " accidentally " go on a date ? Well , because only slightly bright person puts an ad on craigslist , makes plans to meet this random dude on a Friday night , and then homeboy 's grandpa gets sick and has to go to the hospital . So dude reschedules for the next afternoon and we met for coffee and then walked around the neighborhood talking , and then we parted ways with a hug . Date . Total date . When it was supposed to be a random hookup . I don 't get involved anymore . I don 't date . Well , I didn 't . Damn it . What a goof - up . Posted by I had a really bad dream last night . It was Christmas day , and my whole family was in my mom 's old house . I went downstairs and saw Ex sitting at the kitchen table with my relatives . A cold knot of fear formed in my stomach . I only remember bits and pieces of the dream . I remember that my little sister ( who , in the dream , was a child again ) had let Ex in because she didn 't know what else to do . I remember asking my mom for permission to ask Ex to leave . I remember the fear freezing my insides as I waited for her to tell me that no , I couldn 't tell him to go . But she said okay . I remember telling Ex that he was not welcome in our home , and the cold feeling of fear from just talking to him again . I remember wondering if he knew what my path had been since leaving him , and felt embarrassed that I had fallen so far . I remember hiding in fear as Ex waited for his ride , which turned out to be a family ( not his relatives ) in a pontoon boat . Will I ever talk to Ex again ? Will I run into him at a relative 's house ? I 'm afraid that my family would welcome him in . I really think they would . The holidays are coming up and I am afraid .

I have chosen to publicly disclose , and to do so here to anyone with interest in the subject . I do so in the understanding that there is a great deal of misconceptions regarding the topic , and it is my hope that through this disclosure I am able to create better understanding of my experience . This blog contains only what I know to be true of myself … At first , he thought that he would be back home in a few days , once the misunderstanding was cleared up . But when Renata tells Gabriel her crazy conspiracy theories , Gabriel feels the first pangs of doubt . Is there really a conspiracy ? Will he ever be able to get well and go back to his mother , or is he doomed to be another guinea pig for Doctor De Klerk ? But Katt and her mother know that something is wrong , and it has nothing to do with abuse , and the longer Katt stays in foster care , the worse her health gets . Can they get the answers they need before it is too late ? Can they get the answers and get Katt back home ? Gabriel Tate is now a veteran in dealing with medical kidnap and reuniting children with their families . He knows Seth and his mom , Leva , a tireless mitochondrial disorder advocate . He knows he needs to get Seth back to Leva as soon as he can . With the authorities hot on their trails , Gabriel and Renata face increasingly difficult challenges . Can they stay one step ahead of the authorities ? Can they finally get Seth somewhere he will be safe ? When I was diagnosed with depression , it was late summer in California , and I was wearing an itchy skirt , sweating slightly in an air - conditioned doctor 's office . The psychiatrist asked me a bunch of questions , wrote a couple things down , and then called in a prescription to the pharmacy . " You 're depressed , " she told me . And despite everything , despite expecting to hear her say it and knowing that it was the truth , it still confused me to hear it out loud . " I 'm what , " I said . Would anyone like a short story to read ? I hope the answer 's yes , because I 've got one for you . I 'm working on it now , this is the 1st draft , with the intention of releasing it in time for the new year , though I haven 't yet made up my mind whether I am going to put it in Select and use the 5 free days it provides to promote it or put it out to as many places as possible and make it perma - free in the hopes that a constant freebie will drive interest in my novels . Anyway , this is a story of approx 8 , 000 words . It doesn 't yet have a blurb ( it lacks a cover as well , one step at a time , though ) but it involves an attack on a young woman returning home from a party , and the events that ensue . I hope those of you who read it will like it . " You must be kidding , the house is only a couple of streets away , " Kirsty told her friend , unnecessarily since they were housemates . " Even if I did want a lift off someone , I sure as hell wouldn 't take one off Nick . Anytime he does me a favour , he thinks he deserves a reward , and he only ever has one reward in mind . " " You should be glad he 's interested ; Nick 's picky about who he sleeps with , and it 's not like it hasn 't been a while for you , " Paula said with a knowing look . " Just because you don 't want to date right now doesn 't mean you can 't have fun , and you 'd have a lot of fun with Nick , trust me . Besides , I sort of hinted that if he made sure you got home alright , you 'd make it worth his time . " " I have done , that 's how I know he 's a stud , " Paula told her friend . " I can 't shag him tonight , though , I 've already lined someone else up , and I doubt he 'd be happy if I tried to bring someone else the bed . Not another bloke anyway , he probably wouldn 't mind if it was another woman . " " No chance , Paula , " Kirsty said , recognising the look on her friend 's face . " I 'm going home , alone . I 'll see you tomorrow , assuming you make it home by then . " " I 'm sure I will ; one way or another . Don 't forget to wash to my dress before you return it . " Paula called out as Kirsty walked down the path to the gate . Out of habit her eyes darted all around her as she walked down the street . She didn 't really expect to be attacked , but it was late at night and she was sensible enough to be cautious . The street was empty but for herself and one other person . The figure , which she could just make out was male , was on the same side of the road as her and walking towards her , that made her more nervous than if there had been a crowd of drunken yobs . It was too late by then , but she wished she had taken the lift , even if it would have meant fending off Nick . Kirsty felt a little better when the dark figure turned down the path to the house next to hers and disappeared from sight . She realised it must have been her neighbour , whom she had never seen , despite living at the house for four months ; her housemate , Holly , had told her he was an old pervert who kept to himself and liked looking at the young women who walked past . That news hadn 't made her feel very good about moving in , even if the old pervert hadn 't been seen outside by any of her friends . Kirsty didn 't see the figure standing in the shadow of the bush that separated the front garden from the pavement . She had no idea he was there until she was grabbed from behind . After freezing momentarily in fright , she came to her senses and struggled to free herself ; she was weaker than the person who had hold of her , that was readily obvious , but didn 't allow her lack of strength to stop her . She tugged and wrenched at the arm around her in a futile effort to pull it away , and writhed and twisted against the grip that held her against the stomach of her assailant ; nothing worked until she managed to hook a hook around the heel of her attacker . " HELP ! " she screamed a second time . Twisting about , she lashed out again with her feet . This time the blow hit her attacker in the stomach , doubling him up . She scrambled to her feet when He let go . Kirsty was fumbling to get the key in the lock when she was grabbed and slammed into the door . She barely had a chance to realise what had been done to her when she was slammed into the door a second time , leaving her dizzy and disorientated , with blood running down her face . When she was let go she fell to the ground , where she hit her head on the concrete of the path . Her vision wasn 't the only one of her senses that was affected ; she could also hear a ringing sound in her ears . Above the ringing she could dimly hear noises that suggested she was in a vehicle of some sort , and then a voice . " She 's coming round . " It was female and familiar , but her diminished hearing prevented her identifying it . " Stay down , Miss . " A second voice , this time male , and completely unfamiliar , said when she tried to sit up . A gentle pressure on her shoulder forced her to remain lying down . " You 've had a bad know on the head , you might have a concussion . " " Where am I ? How did I get here ? " Kirsty wanted to know as she continued to try and make sense of the imperfect images she was seeing . " My throat is sore , " Kirsty answered , reached a hand up to touch it . She was stopped by her friend , who caught her hand . " And my face hurts . " " Well your face is quite badly bruised , as is your throat . I think it would be best if you don 't anything more for the time being , just lay still until we get to the hospital . They 'll want to x - ray you when we get there , and after that the police will want to talk to you . " " Sorry . " Kirsty 's voice was wear as her stomach heaved . After a few moments , the urge to be sick subsided and she rolled back so she was staring up at the top of the ambulance . " This has not been a good night for me . " Although she couldn 't see her friend clearly , Kirsty could tell from her voice that Laura wasn 't happy . " First I had to miss out on the party because I was working late , then you wake me up just when I was getting to the good part of my dream about Liam Hemsworth , and now you go and throw up all over my feet . Can this night get any worse ? " " There 's no need for that , Kirsty , I 'm just grumpy . You know I hate having my sleep disturbed . Why don 't you just lay back and think about all those hunky doctors who are going to be queuing up to look after you once we get to the hospital . " " Hello Miss Newsome . " The stranger was obviously a police officer , there could be no doubt about that since he was wearing a uniform , as was the man with him . " I 'm Sergeant Leroy , and this is my partner , Constable Habib . The doctor tells me you 're up to answering a few questions , do you mind if we ask you about the attack ? " " There isn 't much I can tell you , " Kirsty replied honestly . " I was walking up the path to my front door , and was searching in my purse for my keys when someone grabbed me from behind . I didn 't see who grabbed me , but whoever it was fell over as I struggled with him , and I landed on top of him . He lost his grip on me then and I scrambled away , calling for help . He tackled me before I got very far and I hit my face on the ground . I kicked out at him and he let me go again . When I got to my feet I ran for the door . " I remember getting to the door , and I remember my hands shaking as I tried to get the key in the lock . Before I could he had me again . He hit my head against the door , twice . " She sounded more shocked by that than by the fact that she had been attacked . " After that I don 't remember much . I think I heard someone calling out but I might have imagined it . " " You seem to know something about this , Miss . " Sergeant Leroy turned to Laura , who was yawning repeatedly in the chair she had positioned near the head of Kirsty 's bed . " Would you mind telling us what you know ? " he queried . " I think I need a coffee first , I 'm not awake enough to concentrate . I 'll be back in a moment . " Laura got to her feet and tiredly wandered off in search of a vending machine . It didn 't take her long to find one and then she was back , sipping from a gently steaming polystyrene cup . " Okay , now I feel a little more awake , what is it you want to know ? " " Not much , " Laura admitted . " I got woken up when I heard Kirsty call for help . My room is at the back of the house and I 'm a heavy sleeper so I don 't know how long she was calling for before it penetrated . " When I finally did hear Kirsty I crawled out of bed and went to the front of the house to find out what was going on . Looking out of Julia 's window , she 's our other housemate , I saw someone in the front garden . I couldn 't really see much but I could tell it wasn 't Kirsty . " Since I couldn 't see any sign of Kirsty , when I was positive I 'd heard her , and I didn 't like what I could see of the figure outside , I ran back to my bedroom to grab my phone . I was just calling you guys on my way down the stairs when I heard someone calling out . A guy , it was definitely a guy 's voice , but I 'm not positive what he said but it sounded something like ' get the fuck off her ' . When I got downstairs and out the front door , Kirsty was on the ground and there was two guys fighting a few feet away . " One of them looked over when I opened the front door but I couldn 't see his face , it was too dark . The other guy hit him while he wasn 't looking . The one who got hit stumbled back , then turned and ran out of the garden ; the second guy ran after him and that was the last I saw of them . If I 'm honest , I didn 't even think about them after that , I was too worried about Kirsty and went to check on her . She was still breathing but I was worried about the blood on her face . " It wasn 't long after that when you guys arrived , and so did the ambulance . And now we 're here . I don 't suppose any of that is very helpful to you , is it . " " That 's hard to say , Miss . We 'll file a report and pass everything on . I imagine a detective will visit you tomorrow , or I should say later today , to take a more detailed statement , " Leroy told her . " Don 't worry , Miss , we 'll catch the person who attacked you , " he assured Kirsty . Looking around furtively , the darkly - dressed figure left the street . His eyes darted everywhere as he walked up the path to a house that was virtually identical to the more that two dozen others on either side of the street . Instead of ringing the bell when he reached the front door he turned away and followed the path around to the side gate . Walking quickly down the path at the side of the house he made his way to the back , where he did stop when he reached the kitchen door . Despite his concern for the noise made by the creaking hinges on the gate , he didn 't react at all as he took out a large kitchen knife from his jacket pocket and smashed it through the window in the door . Knocking out the remainder of the glass with the point of the knife blade He reached through and gropped around for a moment until he found the catch , he then swung the door open so he could walk into the kitchen . Even with the moon out there was little light for him to see by , and after just three paces he bumped into the table . Since his eyesight wasn 't the best , even in daylight , he groped his way around the table , knocking over one of the chairs in the process . The chair fell to the floor with a loud clatter he was sure would have disturbed everyone in the house , and as he walked along the passage he heard hurried footsteps as someone came to investigate . Tightening his grip on the knife , he stopped before he could be seen by whoever was approaching . It seemed like he was waiting forever , though it was really no more than thirty seconds , before the footsteps reached the bottom of the stairs . When they did , He moved . His victim was caught by surprise and had no time to react , or make any move to defend himself , as he was pushed against the wall . He saw his victim 's eyes widen in pain as he stabbed him in the stomach , but the hand he had over his mouth kept his scream from being audible . Pulling the knife out , He stabbed again and again . By the time he stopped , he had stabbed the man more than half a dozen times and there was blood on the wall , and the carpet , and all over his clothes . Breathing heavily , He stepped away from his victim and let him fall to the floor , where he continued to bleed . He made no attempt to check that his victim was dead , he didn 't care , he just stepped away and started up the stairs to the bedrooms . As He ascended , his pace unhurried , he held the knife at his side , the blood that coated its blade dripping to the carpet to form a trail that revealed where he had been and where he was going . He had been to the house before so he knew where to go , and when he reached the top of the stairs he turned to his left . In just a few steps he reached the main bedroom ; the door was ajar and he pushed it wide , before stepping through and into the bedroom . The young woman He was after was cowering naked on the bed , her mobile phone in one hand and the quilt clutched in the other to cover herself as she stared fearfully at the doorway . She gave a little scream when he came through the door . " What are you doing here ? " Julia demanded when the figure moved further into the room and his face became visible in the light from the lamp . He was someone she had not expected to see , ever again , let alone in a bedroom . " Where 's Gary ? " He moved slowly closer and she saw the bloodstained knife in his hand . " What have you done ? " she asked , a note of panic in her voice . He didn 't say anything as he stalked across the room , enjoying the fear that was written on her face . Instead he raised the bloody knife and darted to his left as Julia tried to scramble off the bed in that direction . He darted to his right as she reversed direction so he could again cut her off . While Julia , the bedclothes abandoned and her nakedness forgotten , looked all around for a way to escape , He took the initiative . Jumping onto the bed , He ignored her screams as he stabbed the knife down viciously ; the blade caught in the arm she raised instinctively to protect herself and he had to wrench it free so he could attack her again . The knife penetrated Julia 's chest that time , but he didn 't stop there . Looking down at the body at his feet , He saw that he had stabbed Julia so many times it was almost impossible to count the number of individual wounds . He felt no remorse over what he had done as he stared down at what had , only a short time before , been an attractive young woman . As far as he was concerned she had deserved it . " I 've already told you everything the police told me , " Laura said . Unlike her friend , who was looking all around her as if she expected to be attacked again at any moment , she just walked straight up to the front door . She didn 't spare the shadowed front garden even a single glance . " Don 't worry ; whoever attacked you isn 't going to come back . It was probably just a random thing ; he grabbed the first girl that came along . You were just unlucky enough to be the first girl . " " He didn 't attack me at random , " Kirsty said insistently . " Even the police agree with me . He was waiting behind the hedge ; he was waiting for someone who lives at this house . That could only be you , me , or Julia . He might be back to attack me again . " " If you are right and he was after someone from this house , then doesn 't it seem likely he was after Jules , especially now she 's been murdered , " Laura remarked . She didn 't mean to sound heartless , though she realised from the look on her friend 's face that that was how she came across , she was just trying to be as practical as she could . " If that is the case , I don 't think you need to worry about anything , he won 't be back . " " Can 't you at least try and sound like you 're sorry Jules is dead ? " Kirsty wanted to know . She had been horrified when told her best friend , and Gary , had been murdered barely twenty - four hours after she had been attacked . " She was my best friend . " " I know she was your best friend , she was mine as well . Of course I 'm sorry she 's dead , I 'd never have wanted her to die , especially the way she did . " Unlike Kirsty , Laura had heard the news on the radio , which had included a report on the murders . The report had given more information than had been provided by the police when they questioned her about the murders of Julia and Ben , so she knew how brutal the murders had been , while Kirsty remained ignorant of just how her friends had died . Both friends had been shocked when they heard about the murders , but they had different methods of dealing with the bad things that happened in their lives . " We have to get on with our lives , though , and we can 't go jumping at shadows , " Laura remarked as Kirsty continued to nervously search the small garden for anyone who might be hiding there . " The police will find the person who attacked you and murdered Jules . " " You 're worrying about nothing , Kirsty , " Laura assured her . " Why would he come back for you ? " He was after Jules . No - one would ever want to hurt you ? You 're the nicest person I know . " " Obviously someone wanted to hurt Jules , they killed her . " Laura stepped past her friend and moved into the house . Despite her unworried attitude , she felt a small shiver run up her spine as she entered the dark house , though it was quickly dispelled when she turned the lights on in the passage and the living room . " You know I loved Jules as much as you , but let 's face it , she never treated guys very well . How often have we heard guys swearing at her and threatening her ? " " I 've had guys swear at me , and threaten me , in the past too , that doesn 't mean they 're really going to do anything . Besides , it doesn 't matter how Jules treated guys . That 's no excuse for someone to murder her . " " I know that . We may never know why she was killed , but it isn 't going to help us to dwell on it . It 's depressing enough without thinking about it anymore than we have to . Do you want some wine ? " Laura asked as she made for the kitchen . " I need something to help me relax , how about you ? " " Maybe one glass . I need to get changed before I do anything else though , " Kirsty called back as she headed up the stairs to her room . She was still wearing the dress she had been attacked in since Laura had been working all day , and hadn 't been able to pick her up from the hospital until late evening . She had been declared fit to leave at lunch time , but had refused to go home alone ; fortunately , the doctor had understood her concerns and allowed her to remain at the hospital until she could be picked up . " I 'll be down in a minute . " Kirsty was standing in the bathroom , examining the bruises on her throat in the mirror above the sink , when she heard the doorbell ring . She immediately looked around fearfully , though there was no - one for her to see . " Who is it ? " she called out to Laura . " How would I know ? I haven 't made it to the door yet , " Laura yelled up to her friend . " Stop worrying , do you really think someone who wants to attack you is going to ring the doorbell ? " As she walked down the passage towards the front door she sipped from the glass in her hand . Though she hadn 't wanted to admit it , her nerves were a little frayed , with the result that her first drink had been finished almost as quickly as she had poured it out . Her second drink was almost finished as well , and she had every intention of pouring herself a third when the glass was empty again . While she opened the front door with her free hand , she raised the glass to her lips with the other . She was going to be pissed in no time at all , given the speed she was drinking at , but she didn 't care . " What the hell are you doing here , Patrick ? " she wanted to know when she saw who was at the door . " Who 's at the door ? " Kirsty called the question as she walked down the passage from her bedroom . She came to an abrupt stop when she reached the head of the stairs and saw her friend on the floor , Patrick standing over her . She came to her senses and screamed when Patrick started up the stairs and she saw the bloody knife he was holding . Running back down the passage to her bedroom , she grabbed the door handle to slow herself and almost ended up falling over . She just managed to keep her balance , though she did trap her hand between the handle and the door ; swallowing a yelp of pain she untangled herself and slammed the door behind her before turning the key in the lock . Even with the door shut , she could hear Patrick making his way up the stairs . The noise sent her to the bed , where she had dropped her phone when she got changed . She tried not to listen to the sound of approaching feet as she frantically dialled the emergency operator , but she couldn 't block them out . " Please , I need the police , " she told the operator in a terrified voice when her call was answered . " There 's someone in my house , and I think he killed my friend . " She almost dropped her phone when a heavy crash made the door shudder alarmingly . She knew the house was old and well - built , and the door was solid , nonetheless she doubted the door would hold forever . Dropping the phone , she clambered off the bed and darted over to the tennis equipment . She was just grabbing it when the door burst inwards . The noise of the door exploding open and slamming against the wall made her jump in fright and drop the racquet . Keeping her eyes on the doorway , and the figure that appeared in it , she bent and blindly fumbled for her makeshift weapon . She found a tennis ball before she found the racquet , and of their own volition her fingers closed around it . Patrick 's momentum carried him halfway across the room after the door burst open . Stopping himself before he collided with the bed , he spun around and searched the room for Kirsty . He spotted her as the first o the tennis balls flew from her hand to strike him with deadly accuracy in the stomach , causing him to double up with a grunt of pain . Seeing that Patrick had ducked out of the way in case she had more balls to throw , Kirsty abandoned her fumbling search for more weapons and raced for the door . Once she reached the passage she sprinted along it to the stairs , moving as fast as she could . She wasn 't fast enough . Kirsty heard a sharp crack and felt an explosion of pain in her arm when she landed at the bottom of the stairs . She was sure she had broken her arm , but had little time to think about the injury as both the pain from her arm and that from her back were smothered by the darkness that crept into the edge of her vision . It was a repeat of the other night that she would have quite happily lived without . Before unconsciousness overtook her completely she heard a crashing sound , and out the corner of her eye she saw someone burst through the front door . The man , whose identity she couldn 't even guess at , though she was certain the figure was male , barely avoided falling over her and Laura as his momentum carried him almost to the foot of the stairs . He recovered quickly and jumped over them both to run up the stairs . The struggle didn 't last long , as least not as far as she could tell , her sense of time was far from uncertain . After a few moments , she heard someone tumble down the stairs ; she had no idea if it was Patrick , or the man who had burst through the front door , but they landed heavily on top of her . That was the last she knew as an unidentified body part collided with her head . Kirsty woke to darkness , with no idea where she was . All she could tell , from the little she could make out through the darkness , was that she wasn 't at home . She tried , briefly , to push herself up into a sitting position so she could look around better and figure out her location ; she quickly decided that moving was not a good idea , however . The attempt only increased the pain , which was radiating through her body from three distinct locations , to an almost unbearable level , and led to her discovering that her left arm was encased in plaster and secured to the side of the bed . " Where do you think we are , dummy ? " Laura wanted to know . " We 're in hospital , just where you 'd expect to be after surviving a knife attack . Unless you think we 're both dead and this is Heaven , in which I case I really have to question your choice of nurse . I know if it was me , I 'd have picked someone a bit hotter to look after me . " Kirsty was used to the way her friend spoke , and so didn 't let her comment bother her . " So what happened ? The last thing I remember is someone landing on me . " " I know about as much as you . I answered the door and found Patrick there . I never expected to see him on our doorstep after he and Julia broke up . When I asked him what he was doing there he pulled out a knife . He stabbed me and then shoved me back into the house so he could close the door . " We were hoping that wouldn 't be reported . " The comment , coming so unexpectedly , made both girls turn quickly to see the speaker in the doorway ; despite the pain it cost them to do so . " But you can always rely on the media to report the lurid details of any crime . " Good morning , ladies . I 'm Detective Sergeant Fuller . " The middle - aged man in the much - wrinkled suit introduced himself as he moved further into the room . " I apologise for interrupting , you were telling your friend what you know of last night 's events , please , continue . " He helped himself to a seat from the side of the room , which he positioned squarely between the two beds . A little nonplussed by the detective 's arrival , and the break in her train of thought , it took Laura a few moments to get back to what she had been saying . " The news said both Julia and Ben were stabbed repeatedly , " she continued finally , " and I thought for sure he was going to do the same to me . I just lay there on the floor , hoping he 'd kill me quickly or go away , and I 'm not sure which I was hoping for the most . I 've never felt pain like I did then , I could barely think , but I remember being relieved when you called out , asking who was at the door , and he forgot about me to go after you . I 'm sorry , Kirsty . " She felt terrible over the relief she had felt when Patrick left her to chase her friend . " I wanted to call out and warn you , I started to , but I was scared . I thought if I called out , he 'd realise I wasn 't dead and he 'd stab me again . " Tears rolled down her cheeks . " It 's okay , " Kirsty forgave her friend , had she been able , she would have gone to her friend . Just the thought of moving ramped up the pain she was feeling , however . " I 'd probably have been the same if it was me . I wouldn 't have wanted him to know I was still alive either . " I guess I know what happened after that , " she said after a few moments , when they had themselves under control . " I ran back to my room and called the police , and when Patrick broke through the door I threw tennis balls at him . After that I ran back out of the room and tried to get away . He caught me at the top of the stairs and stabbed me . " Everything 's a bit fuzzy from then on . Was it the police who broke in and fought with Patrick on the stairs ? I know someone burst through the front door and fought with Patrick , and one of them fell and landed on my head . That 's the last thing I know . " " So he 's a young pervert , not an old one , he 's still a pervert . I 've lived there for six months , and never once seen him outside . He 's always at the window , watching whenever one of us walks past though . " " As I understand it , Mr Greendale has a rare skin condition that makes it painful for him to be out in sunlight , consequently he spends most of his time indoors . As for his always being at the window when one of you goes past , according to his statement , he works from home as a software developer . You 've probably seen him working at his desk . " Fuller answered the question by taking a tennis ball from his pocket and tossing it onto Kirsty 's bed . " That smashed through Mr Greendale 's conservatory . When he investigated the sound of breaking glass he found that tennis ball and saw your broken bedroom window . Since he had already rescued you the other night , and had heard about the murder of your housemate on the news , he realised you were in trouble again , and this time your attacker was in the house . He raced round to your house and kicked in the door in time to find Patrick O ' Herlihy descending the stairs , bloody knife in hand . " " Then why did he disappear after he chased off Patrick ? I assume it was Patrick who attacked me the other night . " A nod answered the question . " Did he kill Jules ? " Another nod . " Oh God ! Why ? I know he wasn 't happy when Julia finished with him , but that was months ago . " " If you ladies will permit me to continue , I 'll answer your questions shortly Miss Newsome . Mr Greendale entered your house in time to see Mr O ' Herlihy descending the stairs holding the knife he stabbed you both with . " Fuller took up his narrative again . " Jumping over you both , he raced up the stairs and tackled Mr O ' Herlihy without hesitation . A very brave act , if you ask me . They fought for a short while , until Mr O ' Herlihy fell down the stairs , landing on your , Miss Newsome . Despite receiving a rather nasty cut to his arm , Mr Greendale didn 't hesitate to chase after Mr O ' Herlihy when he ran from the house . He caught up with him in the street , where they fought again . " I 'm afraid to say your car suffered during the fight , Miss Newsome . It now has a rather large dent in the passenger door . Mr Greendale hit Mr O ' Herlihy against it until he was unconscious . I shouldn 't really condone such violence , but given the confession Mr O ' Herlihy made when I spoke to him after he woke up , I can 't say I 'm inclined to make an issue of it . And that brings me to your questions . I 'll start with the easiest , the reason Mr Greendale didn 't stick around the other night . Because of his skin condition , Mr Greendale has spent the greater portion of his life indoors , and generally away from anyone other than family and doctors , with the result that he has never learned how to deal with people . He 's uncomfortable with strangers , and when he heard you , Miss Cutler , looking after your friend when he returned from chasing off Mr O ' Herlihy , he decided there was no need for him to stick around , so he returned to his own home out of the way . " " Well it certainly isn 't a medical one , but it should be , based on the conversation I had with him during the night , " he remarked . " When he woke up , which , fortunately , was before midnight , he was quite eager to tell me why he killed your friend Julia . In his words , she was a lying , cheating , whore , who got what she deserved . " Fully paused for a moment . " I apologise , but , as I said , those were his words . When I was able to get him to clarify , Mr O ' Herlihy revealed that he recently discovered Miss Lincoln cheated on him while the two of them were involved . " " That 's hardly news . Jules is , was , a lovely girl , my best friend , but she couldn 't stay faithful to save her life , " Laura remarked . " We all knew it , Kirsty , " she said , responding to the look her friend threw her . " Patrick was the only one who didn 't , and I don 't know how he did , she wasn 't exactly discreet . " " Miss Lincoln 's lack of discretion aside , Mr O ' Herlihy only recently found out about her infidelities when his brother let slip that he had slept with her . Upon hearing that his brother had slept with his girlfriend , Mr O ' Herlihy lost the plot and attacked him . We found the body of David O ' Herlihy in his flat in the early hours of this morning , as his brother told us we would . He had been dead for several days . " Kirsty was so shocked that almost ten seconds passed before she was able to speak . " So , Patrick murdered Jules and his brother because they cheated on him together ? That 's crazy . " " Okay , so I get why Patrick killed his brother , and Jules , and even Gary , even if his reasons are crazy . But why did he attack me ? " Kirsty wanted to know . " I had nothing to do with Jules cheating on him with David . " " Well that explains that . " Fuller seemed relieved to have that cleared up . " And it brings us all up to date . The two of you now know everything that happened , not to mention why it happened , and I have the answer to the one thing Mr O ' Herlihy didn 't clear up for me . " " What happens now ? " Laura asked . " You said Patrick confessed , does that mean he 'll go straight to jail ? Or will there still need to be a trial ? " " Given the nature of the murders he has committed , Mr O ' Herlihy will be examined by a psychologist , who will make a determination as to whether he is fit to stand trial . I think it likely he will be found unfit and sent to an institution ; most probably he 'll spend a significant portion of his life there . I 'll keep you both informed , as and when I know anything .

June 24 , 2017June 24 , 2017Mary Francis McNinch17 Comments When I first heard Lav and Yram were going to take a road trip , I was firm in my resolve not to document it . I thought like most of their ideas , this too would blow over . I should have listened to my Psyche . Unfortunately , my Psyche isn 't any smarter than my Psycho . So here is the beginning of what could be a very long summer . Lav : on the phone with Yram : Guess what Yram . . I just talked to Ruben at the Pioneer Auto Museum and he said we could come and pick up the red convertible tomorrow . We get to take it on our road trip . Lav : No as in midnightish . He said something about under cover of darkness . If there 's a full moon then we have to wait a few days . Like I always say , " never look a horse - powered gift in the mouth . " I guess it 's true what they say , " The Lord looks after small children and the clueless . " Yram and Lav managed to get the red convertible out of the museum and on the road . Well … sort of . Yram : So I guess Ruben didn 't mention that we had to take the parts and pieces of the red convertible to some unnamed place to get it fixed before we could drive it . Did he give us the wheels ? I didn 't see any wheels . Lav : Well , he was right about one thing . He said the convertible would get good gas mileage . I don 't know about this old Ford truck though . He said it would go through gas like a physic . What is a physic Yram ? Yram : I 'll look it up … physic is an over - the - counter medication for constipation … . It 's going to need a lot of gas Lav . I guess we better start looking for small jobs we can pick up along the way . Hey Look ! There 's a help wanted sign . Pull over Lav . Yram : Looks like a pizza place . P - R - A - I - R - I - E Pizza . Yup anybody can make pizza . I 'll make it and you can deliver it . Yram : We each got $ 7 . 00 and the one pepperoni pizza … we better start looking for bottles and cans along the road . $ 14 . 00 won 't even get us to Kadoka . Maybe we can get jobs there that better meet our qualifications . I 'm a crack - up reporter you know . Lav : I have lots of work experience . Hi . . I 'm Yram , and I 'm a crack - up reporter . Mind if I ask you an open - ended question ? What 's your name ? " The third picture looks like it is the remains of a cabin that has burned to the ground . All that is left standing is the rock fireplace . Read the line in the poem Mahkah . The one that says , What one loves , the other fears . I am terrified of fire , therefore , you must be the one who loves it . Did you do it Mahkah ? Did you set fire to the cabin ? What has happened to everyone ? They were all here just moments ago . They were planning a feast . We were all gathered together for a celebration . " Scanned by : Retouched by : DT - KM QC 'd by : DT - AU Grades : - A QC by CWL " Please sit down Dakota . You are right . We were all here for a celebration , but it was a long time ago . It was our Grandfather 's birthday , and it was the first time we had seen him or our father in months . The Indian wars were over , and now came the task of helping those who were moved to the Reservations adjust to a new way of life . It wasn 't the desired outcome , but our Father and our Grandfather , Chief Blue Water , knew there was nothing they could do to change what had already taken place . " I don 't know what is happening to me Mahkah . " I started to remember bits and pieces . " We were going to eat the wonderful meal Kunci and Ina were preparing and then go fishing , and find the songbird . We were outside playing when four men came through the trees . Three were white men and one was Indian . That 's all I remember Mahkah . We must have talked to them and then they would have left and we would have continued to laugh and play …… But that 's not what happened is it Mahkah ? " " I was only three years old as well , though I have heard the accounting of the day many times . Did Kunci not tell you the truth of what happened ? Do you remember anything more about that day ? " " No … my next memory is that of being the youngest and loneliest child in the boarding school . Did the men do it Mahkah ? Did they burn down the cabin and did our father die too ? Where is Ina ? Has something happened to her ? " " No Dakota . You can see the cabin still stands . The only person to die that day was our Grandfather . I have no idea what that picture alludes to . There was no feast of course , and the partings were brief . I went with Ina to the cabin on the other side of the lake . The cabin where you and Soo ' - TAH found Ina hiding below the floor . You left here that day with our Father and Kunci . Once he had made the arrangements at the boarding school , he joined us at the cabin . " My sister … I know I have not gained your trust , and I don 't know why . I have been truthful in all ways . My world has been very small and I have been so lonely . I knew I had a sister , maybe that makes the difference . I have loved you all these years and could not wait to see you and know you . I didn 't imagine you would not feel the same . " " I don 't know what to say dear brother . I was not prepared for this … I can 't understand why these things happened , or why we have had to live like fugitives all of these years . Please Mahkah , tell me all that you know or remember . " " We all left this place , but we buried Chief Blue Water first where no one would find him and harm his remains . Kunci must have cut a lock of his hair for the Soul Bundle or someone must have come back later to take care of Chief Blue Water 's remains properly . They probably wrapped him in buffalo hides and put his body high up on a scaffold . Title : General Miles and staff Six military men on horseback on a hill overlooking a large encampment of tipis . 1891 . Repository : Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division Washington , D . C . 20540 " Soo ' - TAH brought us the Soul Bundle Mahkah . Where did you get this fierce protector ? " He was still sitting in the same spot . " Where did you find Chief Blue Water 's Soul Bundle ? " Life is only smoke and mirrors . I got up from the table and went to the fireplace . The mirror was hanging slightly crooked , but I didn 't bother to straighten it , because I knew the safe was behind it . Soo ' - TAH seemed timid all of a sudden . He wasn 't his normal " tough acting " self . Mahkah and I stood there watching him as he slowly walked a few steps closer . When he was within about four feet of us , he sat down , and dropped the buckskin pouch he had been carrying . I started to walk over to him , intending to reach down and get the pouch he had dropped in front of him . I assumed he had brought it to us , because he wanted to give it to Mahkah or me . When I was close enough to pick it up , Soo ' - TAH quickly snatched it . He wasn 't being aggressive , but he wasn 't playing with me either . " He can 't decide , " Mahkah said . " He 's not sure we can be trusted with his treasure . Leave him be for a minute . The pouch is obviously very important to him and he thinks he wants us to have it , but he 's not ready to give it up yet . " " The Lakota believe that humans are a part of nature just like animals , plants and even rocks and mountains . Until the last few years , before they were forced onto reservations , Lakota Indians were not buried in graves . They were dressed in their best clothes and wrapped in hides and placed on a scaffold . The scaffold might be in a tree or , out on the plains , made of lodge poles . Special possessions of the deceased , such as a pipe or weapon , were also wrapped and placed on the scaffold with him . The scaffold prevented animals from reaching the body , so it was allowed to decay naturally . In this way the body is given back to the elements from which it came , winds , rains , the birds and the Earth itself all gain from absorbing the body . Soo ' - TAH was now laying down beside the pouch . He was listening carefully to Mahkah as if he wanted to make sure we understood the importance of his gesture . We patiently waited for him to make the first move . He soon got up from his resting place , and once again picked up the pouch , holding it securely with his teeth . Then , he turned and began to walk back on the road we had just traveled . It took less than an hour to get back to the cabin . This time Soo ' - TAH allowed us to go inside . The moment I entered , I knew I had been there before . It had been a place where I had felt happiness . Everyone was there . Kunci , Ina , Ate , Mahkah and me . The table was set for a celebration . Someone had placed beautiful flowers on the mantle , and I became aware of the scent of sweetness and spice from something good cooking . Kunci and Ina were preparing a feast . I looked at my brother . He was smiling too . Soo ' - TAH was right behind him followed by a man I thought I recognized . Whoever he was , he reached down and took the leather pouch from Soo ' - TAH and handed it to me . I walked to the table and sat down in one of the chairs . I opened the pouch and removed it 's contents , studying each item before handing it to my brother . The first thing I came to was a lock of hair presumably purified by the smoke of burning sweet grass . Next was a small sealed envelope . Inside were three pictures . The first was of Ina . She was standing in front of a fireplace . She was so beautiful . The second was a picture of my father with Soo ' - TAH at his side . I was handing the first two pictures to Mahkah , when a slip of paper fell out . On it was written … I looked at the fireplace . It was where Ina had been standing in the photograph . She was facing it and her hand was resting on the mantle . I could see her reflection as she looked into the mirror above the mantle . It seemed as though her eyes were trying to tell me something . I turned to once again look at my twin brother Mahkah . He was standing near the door . Now his expression was one of sadness . I wanted to tell him not to be sad , we had found our family and we would solve the riddle soon , but the words would not come . " They 're no longer here my sweet sister … But we are , and so is Soo ' - TAH . I was listening , but I was not hearing him . I faced the mirror above the mantle . Mahkah looked at me , then looked in the direction of the cabin before he spoke . " We will be Dakota . There are things we must do first . We cannot allow ourselves to become distracted from what we came here to do . We must solve the riddle within the poem you found in your Indian Princess Doll . You said you had a picture of Sylvan Lake when you were in the boarding school . I think we should start there . " We had found the poem woven into the doll called Macha . . . Inside Mahkah 's amulet , which would traditionally hold the umbilical cord from his birth , we found a piece of leather that had a series of numbers burned into it . They appeared to be a combination to a safe , or padlock . I could feel my heart beating in my chest . Will I remember anything ? I could not have been more than three years old when I was last here . I wasn 't totally certain I had ever been here at all . Mahkah and I were quiet as we approached the Lake . We followed the winding road as far as we could go , then we tied our horses to a tree and walked the remainder of the way . When we came out of the forest and saw Sylvan Lake , neither of us could speak . It was breathtakingly beautiful . I closed my eyes and willed myself to remember what had happened here . Why had the picture I carried with me for all those years reassured me in times of fear and confusion . Before I learned my Grandmother had been at the boarding school all along , the picture was all I had of a life outside of the school . A life I had never gotten to experience . Until I was 13 years old , I didn 't know I had a twin brother or who my mother and father were . All those years , I thought I was a Lakota Indian girl , when in truth my father was a white man … a cavalryman and my mother , the daughter of a Lakota Indian Chief . My father wanted me to be a friend to both the white man and the Indian . That is why he named me Dakota , which means a friend . My thoughts were interrupted by the faraway sound of a bird singing . A songbird comes to calm my fears . I kept my eyes closed while I listened to the bird 's song , and I began to remember something . I was running along a path . I was trying to find the songbird . Then I heard Kunci 's voice . She was calling after me . " We were all here together , " he said . " Our Mother and Father , Kunci , and our Grandfather . The scene has been like a fog in my memory , but it is becoming clear to me now . " " He was killed here . . tracked down and murdered by one of his own . Some warrior who felt Blue Water had become Chief , not by the will of the tribe , but by the guns of the white soldiers . I saw it all happen , and when it was over , and the day was finished , I never saw Kunci again . I thought I would never see you again . Not in this life . Our Ina took me and Kunci took you , … but first we buried our Grandfather . I saw it all , " Mahkaha said . " You were spared witnessing the killing , because you ran to find the songbird . " I heard something behind us and as I looked back , I saw a movement in the trees . " Soo ' - TAH , " I said . " Why are you here ? You have to guard the cabin . All those Mahkah and I have ever loved are there . " June 20 , 2017June 20 , 2017Mary Francis McNinch2 Comments It 's Tuesday morning at the Whiteboard House , which used to be the grade school . The self - help teachers are hard at work … or they will be as soon as they finish their milk and cookies . Right now they are gathering in the first grade room to discuss the class schedules . Almost everyone has come up with an idea for a help yourself self - help class . Some are better than others , but that 's okay . The best will rise to the top , and the worst will crater . MG : It 's time for us to prepare for the day . Everyone please form a line behind the trash can . Line up boy , girl , boy , girl , and so on , and so forth . No pushing or shoving please . When you have thrown your little milk cartons away , please return to your little seats . MG : Young man , is that any way for a help yourself self - help teacher to talk ? Every problem has a solution . Let me demonstrate … Most people don 't grow that much after the eighth grade . Maybe we could switch out the chairs . I won 't be able to self - help of course because my arthritis is bad today and the stairs hurt my knees . You 're in charge Jerry . A I : I sort of feel like DM and Pico are stepping on my toes . Pico is going to teach how to help yourself Private Investigate COdependents , and DM is teaching how to be your own Detective Man . In my last job , I was an Aggressive Informant . Heck , I don 't even know my real name anymore . I have way more sleuthing experience , plus I have a silly airplane . I 'm teaching my students how to draw their own photographs . I think I 'll start out with stick men , and maybe a tree . Of course I 'll have the yellow sun in the upper right corner of the paper . I can build on that theme later with blue sky and billowy white clouds , and maybe put some apples in the tree . MG : . . TC . . you 're no longer a Town Crier , you don 't have to wear the cheese - head and carry a scroll anymore . What are you going to teach people how to self - help themselves with ? TC : I 'm going to teach people how to name their emotions so they can better self - help themselves to a healthier self awareness . This isn 't a scroll , it 's my syllabus . Do you want to see it ? MG : No TC , it represents how I felt when my brother used to stick his tongue out at me . Of course I always told on him . That helped me some . Pat : Hi everybody , my name is Pat and I 'm new in town . I 've always considered myself to be an emoji queen . I think I should teach the help yourself to - emoji class . I 'm little too so I fit into this desk . . See ? I also know the pledge of allegiance by heart and I drive a silly Lincoln . How many students do we have signed up ? EVERYONE : … STUDENTS ? ? The tension is so thick , you can cut it yourself with a knife . People are looking sideways at this Pat person . It appears that everyone 's self wants to be a detective or an emoji queen . . That just won 't do … nope . . guess we 'll have a help yourself to self - help contest … and we have to find some students … But , first things first . . Everybody get your mats out … It 's nap time ! ! June 19 , 2017June 19 , 2017Mary Francis McNinch4 Comments I was beginning to doubt the wisdom of my decision to leave the farmhouse , but I was consumed by the need to find the winding road on the far side of Sylvan Lake . I felt strongly that the Lake had something to do with the mystery we were trying to unravel . The clues were vague and the direction they took us could be interpreted many ways . The picture of the lake I had as a child was a vivid recollection . Something of significance had happened there or on the winding road that led to it . I had no reason to believe Ina was anywhere near the lake , yet I believed she was , and so did Soo ' - TAH . My brother Mahkah had no reason not to pursue my theory . It was early fall now , and the nights were growing colder . Mahkah and I had our horses , but we led them much of the way because of the narrow paths we had to follow . We spent two days and nights continuing in the direction Soo ' - TAH was leading us . On the third day , we found it . We found the winding road . I wished I could remember . I had no idea who had given me the photograph of Sylvan Lake , or where I had heard the songbird . I could only hope that when I saw the lake , it would trigger a memory . " There is a house or a cabin up ahead , and there is smoke coming from the chimney . Should we see who is there ? " By this time , I had caught up with him and saw the little cabin sitting alongside the trail . Mahkah was about to speak his opinion when the door to the cabin opened . I looked toward Soo ' - TAH hoping he wouldn 't bark , but I should have known he wouldn 't . He knew his purpose and he did his job well . Instead , he dropped down onto his stomach with his feet and legs outstretched and slowly crawled toward the side of the cabin . He only moved a foot or so at a time , but his actions were deliberate . He had total command of his senses . I watched in awe . When he reached the side of the cabin , he creeped up to the corner near the door and waited . Mahkah and I waited too . Was Ina inside ? If she was , she wasn 't alone or Soo ' - TAH would have surely gone to the door and greeted her . The day grew shorter and the breeze was cold . Mahkah and I had agreed to wait . An hour passed and the door to the cabin was still open , yet we had seen no one come or go . We had taken the horses and tied them deeper into the woods , so no one would see them if they were on the path we were following . Soo ' - TAH remained in his spot … patiently waiting . Mahkah and I sat on either side of a huge rock . We kept reminding each other not to go to sleep , but there was little danger that would happen . If there was someone inside the cabin , they didn 't light a lamp or candle , but the smoke coming from the chimney continued . Just a few minutes later , we saw a woman walking from the other side toward the cabin . Soo ' - TAH still did not move , which was strange , because the woman was Ina . I was about to jump up and run to catch up with her when I heard a voice coming from inside the cabin . It was weak , but I knew that voice . Hearing it now brought back a feeling of warmth . I had learned to trust from my Grandmother . The voice I heard belonged to Kunci . I could wait no longer . I got up and started for the door , then I saw Soo ' - TAH turn to look at me . His eyes gave me a warning . He wanted me to stay hidden . I took my place behind the rock before looking over at my brother who was staring in the direction of the cabin . I opened my mouth to say something , but he shook his head . I turned around in time to see a man walking down the path from the same direction Ina had come from . It was getting too dark to see who the man was until he went inside and someone lit a lamp . I still did not recognize him . Mahkah was staring at the window . We could see the profile of the man with each flicker of the lantern . Whoever he was , he had Mahkah 's full attention . Soo ' - TAH still did not move . Inside the cabin , were Ina and the man I could not see well enough to identify . I knew Kunci , who had been so feeble the last time I saw her , was there as well . I had not seen her , but her voice was unmistakable . I had heard her say , " Thank you Makawee . . thank you for bringing me here . " The words were in the Lakota language , but I understood her . I knew my Ina 's name was Makawee , which means earth maiden . " Why then is Soo ' - TAH still hiding in the grass ? Isn 't our father the one who trained him ? The people together in the cabin are all that is left of our family Mahkah . Everyone is there but you and I … and Soo ' - TAH . . . Please tell me why we shouldn 't all be together . " First , we have Chief Rain in the Face , who arrived at camp Ft . Griffin obviously hot under his headdress . It seems he washed his many horse - powered transportation right before beginning his journey , only to come upon a couple of miles of dirt road due to trail construction . If that wasn 't bad enough , he got behind a water - spraying covered wagon … hence the name , Rain in the Face , which sounds more dignified than , Water and Dirt on the Horses . Chief Runs a Muck brought Princess Pass the Piece - pipe . Say that three times really fast . Her main job is to clean up the teepee after Chief Runs a Muck makes his favorite strawberry ice cream . She also helps with Buddy the canine who spends his days guarding the campsite and his nights tolerating Punkin and I can 't remember the other cat 's name , but it also starts with a P . Last , we have Chief Eats a Lot with Princess Doesn 't have a Clue . Seriously , she doesn 't know the difference between a teepee and a wigwam . She spends her days scrounging around for food because Chief Eats a Lot . . . eats a lot . The three aforementioned couples had a fabulous time . We toured Ft . Griffin with Eric , who shared a wealth of information with us . The RV Park in Griffin State Park was great … ( See the sunset below . ) We saw the Fandangle parade where we listened to the calliope , and watched as beautiful horses passed by . Some were pulling wagons or proudly carrying riders holding flags . Others were ridden by women wearing costumes of the times . The Fandangle is an experience like none other . Give yourself the gift of seeing the magic of the performances of a few hundred Albany residents . The ages of the talented participants range from three months to ninety - eight . The story the narrators and the music tells is steeped in history and laced with pride and love . Fandangle is always the last two week - ends in June so there are shows next Friday and Saturday evening . The outdoor setting is beautiful and the music is incredible . The many prop changes are totally seamless . Thank you Pat and Jerry Davis for suggesting this might be a fun outing for our little group of RVers , and many thanks to Jeff and Gaye Davis . They made our trip even more special by giving us the rundown on all there was to do . I don 't think we missed much . Their family , including Nolan and Lori , has been a part of Fandangle for over a dozen years . We were all invited to their beautiful home for lunch . Chief Eats a Lot loved it ! Mahkah and I were both confused and exhausted , but we were making headway . It was just the two of us and Soo ' - TAH at the farmhouse now . Ina had ridden off on the dead man 's horse without saying a word to me or my brother . Mahkah said she often did this , and when she returned she always said she had gone to be with our father , William Miles . The father I didn 't remember because I was only three years old when I was taken to the Indian boarding school . Mahkah was standing by the window . The one I had looked through from the outside the day I got to the farmhouse . Kunci sent me here when I finished my schooling . I thought I was coming to this place to find my family , and myself , but there was work to be done before I could really know any of us . " Mahkah , what do you think is in your amulet if not the umbilical cord ? Anything else would not be in keeping with the Lakota tradition " " There is only one way to find out , " he said . " Would you please bring me a sharp knife from the drawer Dakota ? Part of me felt it was wrong to destroy what should be held sacred , but Mahkah was right . It was very probable the amulet held something else … I brought him the knife , then watched in silence as he cut through the beautiful beadwork until what was inside was exposed . " It 's not a key or a cord , " he said . It is a series of numbers . It looks like a combination … maybe to a safe , I don 't know . What else could it be ? " " We haven 't learned everything the poem is telling us yet , but we 're going to the winding trail of tears on the other side of the beautiful Sylvan Lake . I know Ina is there , and Soo ' - TAH will find her for us . We will locate the safe this combination will open , and inside , we will find the key to our future . " I looked at our fierce and tough protector . His eyes were shining with excitement , and I could tell he knew exactly what we were asking of him . He was in his element , and he would not disappoint the family he loved , and protected so faithfully . " What don 't you understand ? " Mahkah asked . ' I don 't understand any of this . From the first line of the poem we may have come up with a possible location , but location of what ? " Mahkah looked puzzled , as he thought about what I had just told him . " I have not seen him for two years , " he said . " But there have been times when Ina has disappeared and when she returns she tells me she has spent time with our father . There is something you need to understand about our Ina and Atéwaye , Dakota . They are so close to each other , there is very little room for anyone else … including their offspring . Now , can we get back to the task at hand ? " Yes of course , " I said . " The next line is , The dawn has passed , and darkness nears . I 'll live on … so it appears . Mahkah stood and walked to the open window of the kitchen . " The rain has stopped , he said . " I will go let Soo ' - TAH inside . I 'm sure he is hungry for his breakfast . " " Be careful Mahkah ! " I hollered after him . Sometimes he brings his own breakfast … and sometimes he hasn 't bothered to kill the fruits of his hunt . " " He is inside , " Mahkah said when he returned . " He had no food with him and he didn 't follow me into the kitchen , so I guess he 's not hungry . He went to lay by the door . He is upset because Ina left . He doesn 't like for one of his protected ones to be where he is not . " " In the Lakota tradition … Indian mothers take special care of their newborn baby 's umbilical cord . When the cord falls off , the mother sews it into a small buckskin bag , often shaped like a lizard or turtle , but sometimes it 's plain . I 'm surprised our grandmother , Kunci didn 't tell you of the custom . She made this one for Ina to give to me . " It 's my piece of the puzzle Dakota . You received an Indian Princess Doll from our Atéwaye , and I received this amulet from Ina . Do you think my umbilical cord is inside ? I don 't . "

Second grade teacher , Rebecca Albertson , lost her daughter and husband on the same date , two years ago , and her grief now consumes her life . On the anniversary of her family 's death , she finds herself at a dinner party at her brother 's home , right along with the new single minister , Reverend Mark Andrews , from her brother 's church . Mark tries to get her to live again , but she keeps the wall up in her heart , holding God accountable for her family 's deaths . But it seems that God has a plan , and no outside force , including all the single women vying for Mark 's attention at the church , can hurt this budding romance . Two years of loneliness while waiting for a prayer to be answered was a long time . Rebecca Albertson lifted her eyes toward the giant oak tree filled with colorful leaves waving in the slight late - afternoon breeze with the sun shining down on her . Events from the past two years consumed her . Everything wonderful had ended on this exact date in October . The swing attached to the tree swayed in the wind . She imagined her beautiful daughter , Abigail , on that swing , for she would 've turned six a week ago . The image of her little four - year old daughter lying in a hospital bed attached to tubes filled her mind . Rebecca lost everything in her life the instant her daughter died . As soon as she 'd died , Rebecca 's husband , Rob , had turned and left the room in anger , only to die in an automobile accident while heading home . Two lives lost less than an hour apart . This thought of the two - year anniversary was too much for Rebecca to bear . With the overwhelming sadness weighing on her shoulders , she sat on the swing while the autumn leaves drifted down around her . She lowered her head into her hands , the tears finally making their way onto her lashes . Why did God take everything from her ? " Rebecca , " she heard , knowing it was her brother Will . " We 're ready to eat . " She felt a hand on her shoulder , helping her to her feet . Will 's arms pulled her in for a hug while she cried . Cruel fate dictated that she 'd end up at this very spot on her daughter 's death date . It was Abigail 's favorite place in the world … that swing . She took a breath and tried to stop crying , but the tears trickled down her cheek . " I don 't want to burden you . " She backed away and wiped her cheeks , trying not to cry . " Besides , you have three wonderful children to concentrate on , and with Eloise expecting your fourth … " She tried to hold back her tears , but as she took in her breath , a sob escaped , making way for many more gasps between the tears . " Your family will be wonderful , " she managed to eek out . Will looked down at his shoes , and Rebecca knew she 'd said something wrong . " I 'm sorry , " she said , sucking up her tears . " I don 't mean anything by it . " " It 's been a tough two years . " He lifted his eyes to hers and she could see the tears he tried to hold back . " We all miss them . But we have company and I don 't want them waiting for dinner . " " No , you need to be here . These are fun people . " He put his arm over her shoulder and guided her up the hill toward the house . As soon as they entered through the sliding glass door to the dining room , Rebecca headed off to the side into the restroom to wash her face . No one needed to know she 'd been crying . She took time to pull herself together , but really wanted to be alone . Who did Will invite to his home for dinner ? She thought she 'd be the only guest , but he seemed to have forgotten to tell her more . Her stomach fell just thinking about it . What if they were single men and he was trying to fix her up ? She really hated being single . If Will had done that , she 'd just refuse to go along with his plan . Maybe she should call their parents from their Florida retirement home and tell them to come back to Indiana to get Will in trouble . Determined to eat and run , she walked out of the bathroom and right into the chest of some man . Single , no doubt . She glanced upward … blue eyes , brown hair and about five or six inches taller than she was . He was also incredibly handsome , looking like a model . There was no way this guy was single , either . He was too beautiful , probably a player . A soft smile lit his lips . Slight dimples graced his cheeks , making him even more attractive . " It 's okay , " he said . " Dinner 's almost ready . " He extended his arm , to shake her hand . " I 'm Reverend Mark Andrews , the preacher at Will and Eloise 's church . " A preacher ? He couldn 't be a player . But he was just too good looking , the type of man she could hardly speak to because his beauty would overwhelm her . However , she could put it in perspective , because she 'd known a lot of preachers in her life , thanks to her dad who was also a preacher . A preacher would never hit on her , so she relaxed and shook his hand . " I 'm Rebecca , Will 's sister . " " With your blonde hair and blue eyes , I should 've noticed the family resemblance . " He put his other hand on hers . " I 've heard good things about you . " His blue eyes smiled right along with his lips as he leaned closer . " According to Will , you 're one of the best second grade teachers they have in the entire district . What he told me is very good and nothing about how you used to tease him when he was younger . " The man laughed . " He didn 't have to . That 's usually how it goes . " He backed away , moving his warm hands off hers . " Save me a seat . " " Sure . " She watched him enter the bathroom and shut the door , not sure what had just happened . The feel of his warm hand still lingered on her skin , making her wish she knew him better . " I know . He wanted to surprise you , since you 're always alone . You needed fun people around you today , he said . " Eloise rolled her eyes . " Men . They 're insane . " " Definitely true . " Rebecca forced a smile to her lips , but wanted to run away . Before she could even inch toward the front door , Reverend Andrews entered the room . He had some sort of charisma , because every person seemed to cheer up and speak to him . How could he be the life of the party , given he was a minister ? Although , when she thought about it , her dad seemed to have that charm , too . Maybe it went with the job . " I 'm hungry now , " six - year old Ben said from beside Rebecca . He was blond , just like the rest of Will 's family , with big blue eyes . Even Eloise was blonde - haired and blue - eyed . Ben had two sisters , Emily , who was eight , and Jenny , who was four . " In a minute , " Eloise said . " Reverend Andrews , this is yours . " A pained look crossed her face . She closed her eyes for a long moment and took a breath , then seemed fine again . But Rebecca knew better . Eloise was good at hiding labor pains and her labor was usually quick . Rebecca needed to keep an eye on the woman , surprised Will didn 't say something . He was a family doctor , doing well in his own practice , so she figured he 'd know if something was going on . They all bowed their heads and Reverend Andrews said a quick prayer . No sooner had he said ' Amen ' than Eloise screamed and fell to the floor on her knees . " Oh , no , " Will said . " Not now . " He seemed more than irritated and Rebecca was ready to let him have it . Eloise needed him and he could be nicer . He and the other two men helped her to her feet and out to the kitchen floor , because she refused to go any farther . " I can 't move , " she said . " This kid is coming fast . I can feel it . " Come on over to the newly designed http : / / sweettalebooks . com / website and see what 's new ! And yes , those pictures at the top of the website pages are from our trip to New Mexico at the beginning of this month . We saw the Balloon Fiesta . . . simply amazing . This blog as an RSS feed , the latest book published , and a great welcome are all featured . If you look at the welcome section , you 'll see a small note about a game . It 's a wonderful game ( Dancing with Shadows ) . I 'm trying to figure out where to put it to be more prominent , yet fit with the feel of the new site . So right now , it 's a small comment and also shown on the links page . Because of our son , I wrote this book . Some of the reviews say it 's not true to fact , but I 've found with kids on the Autism Spectrum , ( and I 've known quite a few ) , every kid is different . Each of these special people will develop at their own rates , and depending on the severity of the child , they could grow by leaps and bounds if given the right instruction . In this book , Aaron has been given no help from birth , until he gets to the teacher that will change his life , and his mother 's life . This romance is a special book to me , because it reminds me of our son , who 's now 21 and ready to graduate from college , four hours from our home . It 's amazing . . . and I thought he 'd never be able to cope with middle school , high school , or even drive a car . He has a driver 's license and will have to relearn how to drive , since he 's been in college without a car . When Kelly Foster divorced , her senatorial - hopeful ex - husband paid off the judge and Kelly 's lawyer , enforcing unbelievable rules , including the fact that she may never date and her son has to attend a school for the profoundly autistic . If she breaks any of the rules , her autistic son will be taken from her and put in an institution , where she 'll never see him again . But when Kelly meets her son 's delectable teacher , Dr . Drew Miller , she has to keep her distance for her son 's sake , sacrificing her own happiness with the man of her dreams . " I 'm sorry . Aaron usually listens to me . " Kelly Foster Hunter bent down , watching her four - year - old blond son stare at the lights in the hallway . " Aaron , can you hear me ? " She stood with Dr . Johns , the principal of the school , embarrassed by the cooing noises coming from her son 's mouth . " I 'm so sorry . " She covered her eyes , not knowing what to do . The principal touched her arm , making her move her hand . " Mrs . Hunter , it 's okay . This is normal behavior for an autistic child . " Dr . Johns turned toward a man joining them . " I 'd like to introduce you to Aaron 's teacher , Dr . Miller . He 's been at this school for the past three and a half years . " Straightening up , Kelly faced the adorable teacher , taking in his brown hair , electric blue eyes , and high cheekbones . If she were allowed to flirt , she decided he would be the type of man she would single out first . She could see the muscles in his arms , even though he was wearing a nice dark blue suit , setting off the color of his eyes . If she didn 't stop staring , she 'd soon be swooning over this man . She caught her breath and smiled . " Hello , Dr . Miller . It 's nice to meet you . " She shook his hand while he returned her smile . " Nice to meet you as well , Mrs . Hunter . " He raked his eyes down over her , making her aware of the expensive suit she had to wear for her job . He probably thought her to be rich , but she was anything but rich . Kelly faced him with a grin , challenging the man who gazed at her a little bit too long for her liking . It suddenly hit her that this man might even be on her ex - husband 's payroll , so she had to be careful . She wasn 't going to let him think she would bow to any man … especially someone who worked at Waltman Academy , the exclusive school for autistic children Aaron was ordered to attend . Dr . Johns bent to talk to her son , who was still watching the ceiling light while moving his fingers slowly in front of his face . " Hello , Aaron . This is Dr . Miller . " Dr . Miller knelt to talk to the young child . " Aaron , can you look at me ? " Aaron ignored Dr . Miller , who touched her son 's arm . " Aaron , I 'm Dr . Miller . " He gently moved Aaron 's face to meet his , and Aaron lowered his eyes , avoiding all eye contact . " It 's typical for autistic children because it can cause anxiety . I just wanted to see what he does if I make him look at me . " Dr . Miller moved his eyes to Aaron 's and Aaron turned away . " I think we have a lot of work to do , but at least he knows I 'm here . " Aaron looked upward and cooed at the ceiling . He moved his hand up to his face and stared at the light through his ever - moving fingers . Dr . Miller took the child 's hand away from his face , while the boy watched the lights . The teacher then studied Aaron 's eyes as if he was checking them for responsiveness . It made Kelly wonder about his background . Dr . Miller finally moved Aaron 's hand back to its original position , stood and faced Kelly . " He 'll be fine . I 'll be here after school and we can talk about what I observe today . " He took Aaron 's hand and walked toward the classroom with him . " Thank you , " Kelly said . " I hope everything goes well . If not , you can call me at work , and I 'll be here as soon as I can . " Her eyes met his as he turned and stopped for a long glance one more time . She could feel them connect to each other in a strange way . Dr . Miller grinned as he turned , then took Aaron into the classroom . Kelly sighed and mentally wrote him off , just like all of the other men she 'd met since before the divorce . It was too risky even to think of dating anyone , thanks to her ex - husband and her current situation . She watched them walk away then turned toward Dr . Johns . " You 'll call me if anything happens , right ? You should have my work and cell numbers . " The thought just made her angry . " No . We just got divorced , and if I show any type of weakness , he 'll take Aaron and put him in an institution . Call me for everything and don 't bother Richard . I 've also taken my maiden name of Foster , so if you want to put that in your records , I 'd appreciate it . " " Yes . Thank you . " She shook Dr . Johns ' hand and left , with her poor young son in the care of total strangers for the first time in his life . But she had no choice , because the court and her husband demanded it for the divorce . This book came from the heart . No , it 's not a personal story , but one conjured up in my head . I hope you enjoy it , because this one will make you feel good in the end . When Gina Russell learns she 's pregnant from a rape , she loses all hope and contemplates the worst sin of all - - suicide . God intervenes and sends her a guardian angel in the form of Dr . James Pierce , who gives her the strength to fight the rapist 's threats and hope through the word of God . However , with all her baggage , she knows she 's not the one for James . When the rapist is finally behind bars , she 'll be an unwed mother … without her guardian angel . Gina Russell took a deep breath and sucked up her tears , dialing the number on the mysterious Christmas card . It rang twice and she hoped no one would answer . What was she thinking , calling someone she didn 't know ? As she moved the phone away from her ear to hang up , she heard a man 's voice . " Hello ? " Gina cleared her throat and returned the phone to her ear . " Can you tell me who I 'm calling ? " She winced , knowing that was a stupid comment . " Gina . " She knew better than to give her full name , living in the city . Chicago was nothing like Des Moines , Iowa , where she 'd grown up . She glanced around the room at all the packed items and sighed , thinking she just sounded stupid . " I 'm not sure . What 's your name ? " " James . " He chuckled again , and for some reason , the sound seemed to give her peace in her heart . He sounded young and handsome , but she immediately put it out of her mind . No man ever gave her the time of day , because she 'd been told often enough by her mother and her sister that she wasn 't worthy of any man . Maybe she was so lonely that anyone who connected with her would give her peace . That must be why his laughter calmed her heart . " Well , James , " she said . " I seemed to have gotten a Christmas card from you , even though it 's only the beginning of December . It 's a nice card , and you signed it that you had great news . " She looked down at the envelope . " But it was sent to some administrative assistant and got in my mailbox by mistake . " Tears burned behind her lids , but she forged on . " I 'm no longer an … " She felt her throat constrict from her sadness , hardly able to speak . " Uh … I 'm not an administrative assistant any longer . " Sobs overtook her and she covered the phone until she collected herself , then moved her hand away . " I don 't have a job , so you sent this beautiful card to the wrong person . " It was too difficult to force her lips into a smile , the tears instead making her frown . " No . But they 're down the street . " She tried to suck up her tears , but it wasn 't working . " I 'm sorry . " She heard something clink in the background over the phone , figuring he was probably busy . " Well , I lost my job , and really have nothing to live for any more , but it 's not your problem . Bye , James . I hope you have a great life . " She moved the phone away from her ear , but heard him yelling . " Wait ! Gina . Don 't hang up yet ! " Her eyes closed from the tears but she decided to keep talking to this man . She moved the phone back to her ear , not certain she wanted to tell him anything . " Why ? " " I want to talk to you in person . I have to … uh … straighten out this problem with my bookkeeping . Can you wait until I get there ? " It didn 't matter if he knew . She probably wouldn 't be around to answer the door and he could find the body . A stranger . Left to clean up her mess . " Four doors down from the church in apartment 2C , " she said . She crossed one arm over her chest while holding the phone , hoping he didn 't think of her as a ' favor ' type of girl . " That depends . I 'm not a call girl or anything , so you can forget that . " His laughter filled the phone lines . She liked hearing his laugh , so she decided then and there to hear him out . " No , that 's not what I 'm asking , " he said . " Can you watch television and tell me what the weather 's going to be this week ? I don 't have time to check right now , and I really want to know . " " I 'm at work and can 't do it . Please ? I 'll be there in about fifteen minutes . Just talk to me until I get there . Please ? " She looked over to the amber bottle of prescription pills on the counter . " I guess I can . But I have something to do , so I can 't take long . " She sighed , thinking about it . " No one cares . Why should I ? " With the sadness choking her , she forced herself to breathe , the tears falling even harder . " I care . Do it for me . You sound like a nice person and I have to meet you . You might be my soul mate . You might be my reason for being on earth . Please ? " What should she do ? The guy was a stranger . What if he worked for her old boss ? No , he couldn 't be . She was just being paranoid . But she 'd promised James . She couldn 't do anything just yet . He wanted to know about the weather , so she had to concentrate on that job for now . Gina turned on the television and flipped it to see the weather , checking the local snow reports . It was a few weeks until Christmas and the snow was dumping on the Chicago area already . She hated snow and she hated the dark of winter . She wiped her tears . " Yes . It 's going to snow all week . I hate snow . I hate winter . I hate December and Christmas . " She cried harder , letting her head fall to the back of the chair . " I hate myself and everything . " " Don 't take the pills . Promise you 'll wait for me . " His voice sounded urgent , but she didn 't know why . Strangers didn 't care . Even people she knew didn 't care . What was up with this guy ? " Soul mates , remember ? If you take the pills , I 'll never know what you 're really like and I want to know . Promise me . " She could hear a car engine in the background . " Don 't come over here . I 'm fine and you don 't have to worry about me . " Unshed tears filled her eyes again , while the lump in her throat multiplied in size . " No one should worry about me . " She almost choked out her response . She leaned her head back with a sigh , thinking about her horrible life . " Yeah . Baby . I never slept with any guy by my decision , but he had other plans that weren 't very nice , a little over a month ago . He yelled at me yesterday and told me his wife wouldn 't appreciate him getting me pregnant and his other girlfriends would be jealous . I had no idea he was even married or dated around . I certainly didn 't want to date him . " " He fired me and told me to disappear from the earth , or he 'd do it for me by the end of the week . " She wiped her cheeks . " When he forced himself … " She gasped a breath , remembering back . Don 't fall apart now . She couldn 't back down from what she wanted to do , or her old boss would do it for her . She had to collect herself . " It was horrible . " " Twenty - six . " She grunted her disgust . " How many virgins do you know at twenty - six ? I mean ex - virgins ? " She sobbed again . " It wasn 't my choice . It 's not fair . " " Just a small glass . It didn 't taste as good as I thought it would . " Sobs wracked her gasps . " I 'm such a loser . I can 't even drink well . " " No , you 're not a loser . God doesn 't make losers . Gina , turn the television to a movie for me . I want to know what you 're watching , word for word . You 're helping me . " James was an intriguing man . She didn 't want to hang up on him , but wanted to know more . " How many women have you dated , anyway ? " Only one woman ? That seemed odd , because he sounded much older than high school . Maybe he 'd married the woman . " Yes , it does matter . If you 've ever dated a woman , you 'd know what a chick flick is . It 's a sappy movie made for women . It makes you cry , because it usually has a happy ending . The plot is usually very weak , with few subplots . There 's a lot of talking and secrets , and you can watch five minutes , take a twenty minute break , then come back , not missing anything . " The sound of his voice made her wonder what he was really like , deep down . He sounded so calm and seemed able to take any situation and make it better . As she glanced toward the kitchen counter , she rethought the pills . Maybe she 'd wait until she met this guy . " Sort of like a soap opera , " she said . " They 're not my favorite , because they 're fluff . I like mysteries or thrillers . They 're more fun because you have to use your brain . " She sighed again , realizing she wasn 't for him . She had baggage no one needed , and really wasn 't very bright . " Not really . I didn 't finish college , because I ran out of money . " He chuckled , the sound warming her heart yet again . How could one man take a bad problem and turn it around like that , just with his laughter ? She almost felt hope when she talked to him . " That might be a problem if you don 't think you 're good with kids , " he said . " I 'm sure it 's not as bad as you think and I doubt they hate you . What do you look like ? " She thought back to his angry face from the day before . " The ex - boss . He said he only used me for something to do . I didn 't even interest him . " She didn 't believe him , so she stayed silent . While flipping the channels on the television , she found a good mystery and described what was going on . She even explained what was going on during a commercial . " I 'm a redhead with medium length hair , blue eyes , and a round face . I look younger than I am , but that doesn 't matter . Looks don 't matter to me . So what do you look like ? " He was silent for a moment . She hoped she didn 't hit a sore spot . " No , " he said . " I think I told you that already . Did you eat or drink anything other than the alcohol ? " " No , and you only told me you dated one girl in high school . You didn 't tell me if you 're still dating her or married her . Are you on drugs or something ? Even I remembered that and I had something to drink . " His chuckle filled the phone lines , making her grin . " You 're very funny . No , I 'm not on drugs . I don 't even drink because it affects my performance at work . I just pulled into your apartment building . I 'm coming upstairs in a few minutes . Don 't be afraid , because it 's just me . " It suddenly occurred to her that if he knew Daniel , he might be after her . It was a stretch , but if he had someone send her the card … she couldn 't risk it . " Wait . Are you a masher or a serial killer ? Strangers aren 't to be trusted . I learned that the hard way . Don 't come up here . I trust no one . " She could hear his laugh in stereo from the hallway and over the phone . But wait . The card was a religious card , and Daniel would never have one of his minions send something like that . So maybe James really did come to rescue her ? Or was he playing games ? She doubted it , just from the card and the fact that she loved hearing his voice . It was as if he was sent to give her inner peace , and the Christmas card telling her he had great news was the real deal . If she hadn 't called the number on the card … she couldn 't think about it . " No , I 'm not a serial killer , " he said . " I 'm just a good guy who has a great job helping people . Where are you from ? " " Des Moines . What do you do for a living ? " He didn 't answer . Instead , the doorbell rang . " Gina , it 's James . Can you open the door , please ? " He didn 't sound like he was shoving a knife attached to a note into her door like she 'd found from Daniel that morning . She had to trust someone . She was tired of fighting and she needed help . Gina moved the phone away from her ear . " Prove it . What do you look like ? " She stood from the chair and walked to the door , trying to look out the peephole . However , she couldn 't see anything . While unlocking the door , Gina wondered if she should care what she looked like , but decided it didn 't matter . James wasn 't a model , so she 'd just kick him out after a few minutes . She had to pay those bills , and those pills were calling her name again . She turned the doorknob and felt her mouth drop to the floor . The most gorgeous brown - haired , green - eyed man stood in front of her , with major muscles and a masculine face . He was dressed in scrubs … and that 's when it hit her . He was there to take her to the looney bin . It really wasn 't her lucky day . When I first published this book , I put it under Markee 's name . But then , I started publishing other mysteries and decided it should be under Andie 's name . So I re - edited it , put on a new cover , and put it out only under Andie Alexander . It 's a fun book , about the underground business in Washington , DC . I worked in DC as a Math Stat , years and years ago . It 's an interesting place to visit , let alone work there . Ex - beauty queen contestant Lauren McDonald is thrust into the spy underworld when her boyfriend 's job starts to seep into his personal life , making her the conduit for the transfer of information from one enemy to another . Her life can never be the same again when she agrees to marry Shawn ( her boyfriend ) and become an agent , just to save her life and the United States . But the odds are against her , and those dreams of a peaceful married life go right out the window when she finds out the true mission of the enemy . " There 's a mime convention in town , " Mitch said to me . " That 'll be fun to watch . I bet if you tell them you were a beauty queen , they 'll put on fake crowns and wave . " My ex - husband was turned in the seat in front of me on the Metro while we rode from Northern Virginia to work in Washington , D . C . , on a Monday morning in May . Mitch was gay , announcing it the minute after we said ' I do , ' seven months earlier . The marriage was annulled the day after my ' new best girlfriend ' and I shopped till we dropped in Vegas , so it wasn 't a total loss . However , he did get better deals on women 's bikini underwear than I did , and I 'll never forgive him for it . " Who ? " I started to turn , but Mitch touched my arm , still staring behind me . " Don 't look , " he whispered . " You 're such a typical blonde . It 's an older military guy , with dark hair and dark eyes . He 's wearing business casual , an upper end dark red polo , and stone colored pants . " He studied the man for a while . " He 's wearing a wedding ring , or I 'd be over there chatting him up . " Mitch licked his lips and winked , making me scoot down in my seat . " Oh , right . " He studied the man for a moment . " He knows I 'm watching . " Mitch looked out the window . " I 'm close to my stop . What will you do if the guy follows you ? " Mitch stood up . " Yeah , or I 'd ask him out . " He chuckled as he walked off the subway . I was afraid to turn around , concerned because the seat beside me was empty . However , if the man wanted to talk to me , he certainly could 've moved next to me at any time . My stop to change trains came , and I figured I 'd lose the guy as soon as I got off the first train . But , as I left the first train and waited on the platform for the second train , I felt his eyes watching me while I tried to ignore him . After a few minutes , my next train came . I got on , heading east . I wanted to lose him , so I found a seat next to a very pleasant woman . Because she was reading , I acted like I was studying my calendar . If I didn 't make eye contact with the man , he didn 't exist , in my mind . Beauty queen training didn 't prepare me for anything like this . Darned beauty queen training . World peace my foot . This was one guy I didn 't want to meet or make world peace with . The trained slowed , the driver yelling out the stop for Union Station , which was close to my work . I stood up , stepped closer to the door , and happened to glance behind me . The stalker stood two people back , watching me . The color red lit up in my head from the terror I was experiencing . I suddenly wished my beauty queen talent had been self - defense so many years before , instead of singing Jingle Bells while throwing fake snow into the air and wearing a parka in the middle of August . Just as I got into the station and headed up the stairs , my cell phone rang . Once I checked the identification , I realized it was Mitch , so I answered it . " Did you miss me already , or are you having a pseudo - male ego crisis ? " I laughed at his attempt at humor . He knew beauty queens didn 't do drugs . It would ruin their complexion . " Like I 'd do that . Do you think I should worry ? " I snapped back to reality . It was possible the guy worked in the same area where I worked and I just hadn 't seen him before . I was probably overreacting . It was all Mitch 's fault , because beauty queens could be naïve , according to Mitch . With a major hair flip to show my self - confidence , I walked upstairs from the subway through Union Station , passing shops . I headed out to the street , a little over a block from my office . My phone vibrated and rang in my pocket , so I grabbed it and opened the thing . From the identification screen , it was my true love , Shawn , so I pushed the talk button . " I 've been here since three this morning and nothing 's going right . Tell me you 're beautiful and wearing a sexy red dress with your diamond tiara from your beauty queen days ? You are meeting me for lunch , right ? " I glanced around behind me , heading toward my office building . " Yeah , but no red dress . I left the tiara at home . Try black slacks and a light blue blouse . " " Issue ? " I heard him take a bite of something , probably a breakfast bar . He loved breakfast bars , but to me , they tasted like cardboard and bark . He really needed someone to cook for him , and I really wanted to be that one . " Keep walking . I 'll take care of it . " He ended the call and I stared at my phone . What could he possibly do ? He worked as a computer analyst in a governmental contracting firm closer to Dupont Circle . Lately , his hours were horrible , working seventy or more hours a week with one day to completely crash , usually at my place so I could take care of him . I knew how to cook well , so he 'd relax and I 'd wait on him . It was kind of fun , because he was really a nice guy . I headed toward the building where my job as a mathematical statistician for the Bureau of Labor Statistics was located . I may have been blonde and an airhead , but I wasn 't stupid . As I walked , I saw my building within running distance . However , I also saw the mime group heading toward me - white faced , gloved , and all wearing black and white striped outfits with black hats . Of all times for the tourists to interfere . There were at least fifty of the beasts heading my way , making believe they were pulling on ropes , stuck in a room , or walking across a tightrope . My life could be on the line and these people were acting stupid . I could run out into the street , but I 'd learned that the fastest way from one point to another was in a straight line . Besides , there were so many mimes ; they were also walking in the street and winding between stopped cars at the red light . I had to get past the mimes . Not a fun thing to do . I quickened my pace and dodged mimes , certain the scary man was following me . Every time I looked back , he was getting closer and closer . As I made my way through imaginary ropes and balancing sticks , I realized these people were just weird . I hated mimes , now more than ever . They weren 't on my ' world peace ' list , either . So I kept my mind on the prize - getting away from the man stalking me . As I glanced behind me , I saw the stalker getting closer . I kept walking as fast as I could , stopped suddenly by a stupid mime with some sort of weird fetish . He moved closer to my face , acting extremely surprised . He embraced me , and as I tried to get out of his grasp , he planted one right on my lips . " Watch it , buddy ! " I pulled away and glanced backward . The man on my tail was mere inches from me , his arm outstretched to touch me . But fortunately , he was being held back by a tickling mime . I took off running , glad I was wearing my required governmental sneakers every female employee wore , to save their good shoes from wear and tear on the sidewalks . When I was about ten feet from my office door , I felt a hand on my shoulder . " Lauren McDonald . " He spun me around and reached for my earlobe . Just as I tried to back away from his scary dark eyes , a black unmarked car screeched to the curb and two men in black suits jumped out . They grabbed the stalker , threw him into the back seat , and sped away . Real estate agent Jenna Steele has been chosen to sell professional quarterback Andy McKnight 's huge home in order to make enough money to send her adopted sister to a prestigious university . But she hates professional athletes , considering them lazy and playboys in real life while making millions for entertainment purposes . When he convinces her he does have a heart and a conscience , she falls in love with the man who drives her crazy and doesn 't wear a watch . There 's only one problem - Jenna 's wrists have been splashed with a home remedy love potion by an older client , and now all men are falling at her feet , willing to kill to date her . She knows that once the love potion wears off , Andy will be gone and she 'll be forced to find a job out of state just to survive the bombardment of the paparazzi and Andy 's friends . " Will you look at that stud ? If he 's the owner of this mansion … " As Jenna Steele turned off her air conditioning and parked her car in the driveway , she licked her lips and stared at the sexy man on the porch in awe , taking in his huge , well - defined muscles and adorable face . He looked like he 'd just gotten out of bed , wearing only dark blue shorts in the morning August air . Jenna wound her window down an inch and shouted toward the man , over the loud animal . " Are you going to help me ? " The man shook his head . " No , he 's my watch dog and you 're a stranger . " What a scummy man . " Very funny . " She looked out her window . " He 's scratching my paint ! " " Killer . Down , " the man said , not even raising his voice . The dog dropped to the ground , sauntered to his master and sat beside him . " You can get out now . " She still didn 't trust the monster beast , not wanting to get out of her car . They could turn on strangers at any time , from what she 'd seen in the past . " Are you sure he 's not going to eat me ? " The man laughed , bent down and stroked the dog 's fur . " No way . Killer 's no killer . " The whole situation made her angry , but she let it go . If he was the owner of the home , she had to remain professional . She was a real estate agent and he was her potential client . Her job depended on this sale , considering she 'd lost two other sales that week . The company 's new ' three strikes and you 're out ' policy was getting too close for comfort . Jenna grabbed her purse , day planner , and client portfolio , then opened the door and got out of the car . While shaking her head , she studied the scratch on her door , running her fingers over it . What was she going to do ? She didn 't have the cash to fix the thing , nor did she have the time . However , she couldn 't get angry , because he was , in fact , a potential client . After smoothing her blue skirt , she shook back her hair and approached the man . " I 'm looking for Mr … " She opened her portfolio and glanced at the name . " Andy McKnight . " " Yes , sir . " She reached out and shook his hand , the heat from his fingers searing her skin . Even sexier up close , he made her catch her breath while staring at his brown hair and very blue eyes . His chiseled face was bronzed with slight stubble on his chin , his smile revealing his incredibly white straight teeth . She took a small breath , unable to shake the power this man had over her . " I 'm Jenna Steele . It 's nice to meet you . " " Sure . You 're … " She checked her portfolio again . " Andy McKnight . " Turning her gaze to the mansion sitting in front of her , dollar signs danced in her mind . " You want to sell this beautiful home , right ? " She wanted to ask him what he was talking about , but kept it to herself , wanting to see the inside of the home before she asked more . His warm hand gently took her elbow and directed her toward the house , making her feel uncomfortable , so she moved away from him . His hot touch was more than she 'd bargained for . She had to keep her distance and keep her eye on her goal - getting the commission from the house and keeping her job . " No , sir . My boss handed me your file and now I 'm here . I 'm to assess your home and see who can sell it for our company . " She had to give herself an out in case she was out of her league . She 'd been with the company for only a few months , and given the size of the home , she may not have the connections to sell the place . As they climbed the steps to the porch , the dog followed along . Andy opened the front door and they entered the foyer off the kitchen . With cathedral ceilings , light wood and dark trim , the house was gorgeous , originally , but , at this moment , it was a disaster . What seemed like hundreds of beer cans littered the floor , with pizza boxes and trash of every type strewn everywhere . It looked like no one had cleaned for months . The dog went right to work , sniffing and hunting for any stray food . His hand touched her back , directing her away from the open door . Jenna stepped over a black lacy bra , turned to Andy , then pointed at the bra . " I take it this isn 't yours . " " A friend of yours ? " She lowered her voice and glanced around to see if a woman was nearby . " I can come back at another time if you want . " She had to remain professional , giving her client some space . At least that 's what she 'd been taught . Andy laughed again . " No . You don 't understand . A friend of mine has someone in one of the bedrooms in this place . It 's not what you think . " Jenna crossed her arms over the brown leather portfolio she was holding . She hated people like this - no ambition , no drive , and no schedule . He let someone else entertain a woman in his house and didn 't seem to care . It was horrible to waste one 's life , playing all day . For most people , she 'd dive right in and try to help them , but this man seemed to be a spoiled brat . She made a mental note not to be the one to sell his house . They couldn 't fire her for refusing to even try , could they ? He ushered her into the living room , and with the sweep of one arm , pushed everything from the couch onto the floor . " Have a seat . Want something to eat or drink ? " " In this place ? " Jenna answered , wrinkling her nose . " I mean - no thanks . " She wiped crumbs from the dark gray leather couch and sat on the edge so she wouldn 't get anything stuck to her skirt . How could anyone live like this ? Jenna looked around the room then sat in her seat . " Like I said before , I 'm to assess your home then see who can sell it . From what I see in this place , I 'm not sure We - Sell Lincoln Realty can deal with your living habits . Do you always keep it this messy ? " " On a Sunday ? A late night ? " Her hand pointed to all the junk . " This looks like more than just some steam to me . Sir , if you want us to list your house , you 'll need to keep it cleaner than this . I can 't risk my job because you 're a slob . " Why would he want to know that ? She didn 't answer right away , utterly confused . " Well , I 've lived in Nebraska all my life , but only in Lincoln for three months . I 'm originally from Omaha . Why do you ask ? " He grinned , shook his head and cleared his throat . " Not at all , except for the millionaire part . I 've just never found anyone who didn 't know Andy McKnight before . So you don 't have me on some sort of pedestal ? You just think I 'm a slob . " " Pretty much . " She glanced at her watch . 8 : 15 a . m . She 'd only been in the home for seven minutes and she knew exactly what she thought but had to remain professional . " Look . I have work to do . Can we move this along , please ? " " Hmmm . So you 're not a teacher , or you 'd have your summers off . " She looked all around the room . " You 're in an expensive house , worth at least a half million - " " Probably more , and my new house will have a pool and be much , much bigger . They 've already started construction , and it should be done in the next month or so . I 'm going to move my furniture to the new place as soon as it 's ready . " So he really was a millionaire . If she didn 't need the money or her job so badly , she 'd be out of there , not willing to deal with guessing his occupation just to make him feel superior . " Let 's see . You don 't strike me as the doctor or lawyer type , and I know surfer dudes don 't make millions . " " That 's hilarious . I wanted to do that for a living , but Dad told me to go to college , so we compromised . I went to the University of Southern California . " More games and the clock still ticked . " Let 's see . What other professions make someone worth millions of dollars so they can sit around in filth ? " She glanced at him for a moment . " A movie star ? " " Right . I should 've guessed . That only leaves sports , as far as I can tell , because I highly doubt you have any sort of professional job like an executive or a thief . They don 't take vacations in the late winter . " " Not golf , because you 'd be taking the whole winter off . I doubt you 'd be training in the summer for any type of winter sport , and you probably wouldn 't be worth millions . Baseball is out , because you 'd be working in springtime . That leaves - " Oh no . Not that . Please not that . " - football ? " Andy grinned . " Yes , ma ' am . My favorite game and I 'm with the Lincoln Goldsparx . In case you didn 't know , that 's a professional football team . " " No offense ? Normally , I 'd be offended , but in your case … " He glanced down over her . " I 'm intrigued . Why do you hate football jocks ? " Andy moved to sit beside her on the couch , making her feel rather uncomfortable . If he weren 't handsome to begin with , it would mean nothing . But he was the type of man most women swooned over , and the sensual heat radiating from him was almost more than she could bear . " Brains are my favorite , " he said . " I never liked cheerleaders because there was nothing to them . I went for the college - bound girls because they were more interesting . " He lifted his hand and stroked her hair , making her jump at his touch . " Did you go to college ? " he asked , amused . " I love college girls . " He leaned closer , nuzzled his nose into her hair , then kissed her cheek and moved down her neck . " You smell so nice . " She closed her eyes for just a brief moment because it felt so good . As soon as she realized where he was headed , she got her wits about her and moved away to the far end of the couch . He shifted closer to her , making her face him , unable to move . She really wanted to run out of the room , but his blue eyes seemed to melt her heart for some reason , and she couldn 't break that grip . " Brains , ambition , desire … " His warm hand reached up and stroked her cheek in small but deliberate movements , his eyes glancing toward her lips then returning to her eyes . " Such pretty and soft brown hair , beautiful green eyes , curves in all the right places … " He moved his lips closer so she could smell his minty breath . She stared at his gaze , unable to pull away , as he peeked into her soul and his lips inched toward hers . Her heart beat double - time and the butterflies in her stomach seemed to take over . His touch was warm on her lips , controlling her every movement with his tongue and making her want more . She wanted him to touch her everywhere , not stopping until she 'd had her way with him . His arms surrounded her back and she desperately wanted to return the favor , but kept her arms still . " Mr . McKnight ! I 'm a professional and I 'd appreciate it if you 'd treat me as such ! " Andy looked surprised . " I 'm sorry ? "

" Ha , almost as if I had done . My day started with an easy one . I needed to get a farmer to see me . He 's going to get some bad news from his girlfriend it seems . Farmers are easy I thought to myself , wait until they 're out into a field , and then , you know , pop up . He conveniently headed out , and so I flew along . Nothing , he was looking at his phone I think . " " At that time of day I figure it 'll be fine . I was wrong . A couple going for a mid - morning walk . Blam they get some Sorrow . Their car engine 's blown . Then a man walking his dog , more Sorrow . He 's going to get an unexpected , and wrong , gas bill , but it 'll take three months for him to clear it up . " " Maybe , but suddenly the Girl we 're announcing turns into a Boy . Then while I 'm remonstrating with him another couple come along . Now by this point Jon 's off , but they get a Girl , and they weren 't expecting anything if you know what I mean . " I didn 't tell him my mother had been a Greenlark . When I was a chick we 'd been on best of terms with them , but last couple of years there 'd been some bad blood . Accusations of stealing of missions and suchlike . " Well I was there to do a Sorrow and a Joy , with Steph again . I like her , real professional . Always on time , flies low , can disappear into anything . Easy to work with . " " Yeah , the dossier on these two said they were inseparable , but that the man always looked round to the right when they got into a new field . Steph and I were prepped . The humans climbed into the field and we popped up . At the same time some bloody Greenlarks are having a fight with a murder on the border of the land . All sorts of squawking and whatnot . " " Not good ? Disaster . She gets the Joy and he gets the Sorrow . Her premium bond numbers come in and his ankle gives way . Doesn 't seem fair . " I watched him depart and thanked my stars I wasn 't out there anymore . I 'd enjoyed spreading Joy and announcing the little ones . But the Sorrow was always hard . I polished up the glasses and waited for my next customer . Smythe followed the man , PK Kumar , through the glass doors of Changi Airport 's arrivals area and out into the smothering April heat . He could never decide which was worse , the heat or the humidity , either way he immediately felt even more sweaty and dirty than he had after landing from his twelve hour flight . The car was waiting , and stepping in Smythe felt blessed cool air . He sat down and waited . Smythe was not feeling very talkative , there was grit in his eyes and wool in his brain . He was also a little annoyed , he recognised this tactic . PK was a representative of Technology Control Systems , the company he was here to negotiate with . They should have just sent the driver , but by sending a clearly mid - level manager they were upping the stakes a little . The idea would be that in his weakened state he might let slip a few useful bits of information which would undermine his position . His room service had arrived . She swayed into the bathroom and shed her robe , and slipped into the bath with him . When he said he 'd be fine , he meant he knew how to provide for his own entertainment . The next morning he had breakfast sent up , and after a bit more fun he sent his room service away , with some extra cash and a confirmation of a return that evening . He felt much sharper today , and he dressed appropriately . He knew it was going to be tricky to get the services they needed within the budget he had , but he was confident he could achieve it . The car delivered him to another glass - clad building , but instead of dropping him at the front it went underneath the building . When he got out of the car , bracing for the wall of heat , it was actually still fairly cool . He noticed there were blowers either side . Whenever someone arrived the blowers would be triggered a few moments before they arrived to provide a cool channel for them to walk through . He nodded appreciatively and entered the door . There was a slight pause before PK responded , " Of course , not a problem , and please do call me PK . I 'm one of several Kumars here , but the only PK . So far . " Smythe smiled . PK led him to a conference room . It could have been anywhere , and Smythe wondered why he 'd had to fly to Singapore to be treated to the same grey walls , wood veneer table and strangely uncomfortable chairs he could have experienced in the London office . " No , I 've seen the presentations , and I 'm aware of the services . My employers are keen that we get the right level of service for the price . Our intention is to start with a limited contract , and then we will review again before full roll out . " " It is much easier when cards are on the table . We will be honest , a yearlong limited contract is not a priority for us . It represents a large investment for an uncertain return , after all you might choose to go with one of our competitors . We want to know what would be required for the first phase of a full roll out . " Smythe had been worried that this was where it might go . Head office had given him authority to agree to a first phase , but he was very uncomfortable with the responsibility . The sums involved were large , and if anything went wrong he was quite sure he 'd be hung out to dry . He needed some evidence from them , what could he ask for ? Before he could think of something Sunil Rao said , " Mr Smythe , can we demonstrate the efforts of one of our teams ? " He gestured towards the screen on the wall . " They have been tasked with eight subjects for the last three months . Here is their report on one of the subjects . They used only data feeds available within the contract , no additional cameras or physical devices were used , so this is a like for like representation . " " The subject was two hours and seventeen minutes early for his flight . He spent an hour of this in the bar where he drank seven gin and tonics and spoke to five other passengers , all female . One of them appeared to give him her number , but a separate check confirmed that this was in fact the number to her ex - boyfriend . Further details on both the woman and her ex - boyfriend have been stored . " Smythe nearly choked . It was unlikely the ministry would be happy with where he was staying , but they 'd have to do something about his use of professional entertainment . These bastards had him , and they knew it . The men around him just smiled , and the screen in front of him split into eight . The same type of analysis was shown of seven other people , including his brother , his parents , his next door neighbour and two old school friends . The last person was someone totally unknown to him . " One of our sister companies provides the IT systems for most of your police and internal security forces , so we will be able to automatically pull in any additional feeds those groups make available . We will also route all suspicious activity , with appropriate evidence , to those groups . That comes without additional cost . " " Yes . We 're committed to this contract . If you approve it , and the subject names are passed through to us , we can provide the first detailed reports within six weeks , and then every week thereafter we will provide updates . " Smythe marvelled . Back at Security HQ he 'd wondered how they 'd ever track three million people in phase one , let alone the rest . They 'd always joked that they 'd need to employ half the population to watch the other half . The solution was obvious , instead they 'd use someone else 's population to watch the whole of theirs . He was confident that after phase one they 'd expand it , and very soon they 'd have the country covered . He delivered the line completely dead - pan . There was a pause and then the room erupted with laughter . He 'd always been able to work a crowd , with Dennis ' coaching of course . " With my grades , and football scholarship , I attended a select college where Tommy once more excelled at my exams . Poor Philip tore a hamstring , so was replace by William Turbot , who unfortunately can 't be here today . However when he was representing me , he managed to get me all the way to the finals , and scored the winning goal on my behalf . " " My career strategists , Harriet and Joyce , there you are , advised me to become a lawyer , and they selected Mr Bryce Jones for the early part of my career . He ensured I excelled at law school , and landed a job at the top law firm in the country , before getting me through my training and setting me up for a decent run at partnership . He handed the baton to Pete here who got me through to become the youngest ever partner at the law firm . " " All that hard work , just to get me to the bottom rung of partnership , and that 's when my strategists had an idea . We decided to play it a little dirty . So Jonathan was brought in to be me . There he is the old dog . He slept with other partners , or their partners … " an appreciative laugh . " … whatever was necessary to secure my advance , and knock out the competition . I won 't lie , we had fun , but it was perhaps the least savoury time of my life . " " Jonathan stepped out , and Russell stepped in . As me he married Alice , and fathered our first child , young Jeffrey . Sadly he became confused about his role and we had to let him go , and Jimmy stepped in . He went on to father Paul and little Thesia . Not so little now . " " Ah yes , sorry , my tempo is off . So many faces from the past , all those who made my life what it was . While the family life was going well , my professional career peaked , when I was made head of the firm . George Dancing did the hard work , and I am forever in his debt . Though of course the work was its own reward , hey George ? " " Here 's where the strategy changed , and the answer was politics . We felt there 'd been enough time since my Jonathan phase , and we 'd managed to buy off or get something on everyone affected . I was squeaky clean , had three wonderful children , and a beautiful wife . I was made for politics . My early career , as a senator , was handled by Grace Riely , the first time I 'd been a woman , but she was so talented we knew it would work , and it did . Her schmoozing , and backroom deals , meant within two terms I was the only real candidate for the highest job in the land . President ! " " But with the success we had , I knew there was more , so I ran for Secretary General of the UN . Edmund Chung represented me , and as the first American SecGen , I set about changing that institution . Under my tenure , aided by Ken Ho who took over from Edmund for my third and fourth terms , that institution became more than a talking shop , it became the most important global force . A nascent government in all but name ! " He smiled again , electrifying the room and they all went wild . The cheering might have continued for a while except they noticed that someone was doing a slow clap . Silence rippled out from Paul , the great man 's son until the only sound was the slow clap , clap from one of the two men who now walked towards the platform . " Oh he 's quite amazing . I didn 't think someone sitting thousands of miles away could help me so much . He filters my email , he 's got all my passwords set up , he found me a new online stockbroker , and then there 's this diet he found for me . It 's amazing , all green food one week , all red the next … " George tuned her out . Once she started talking about a diet she couldn 't stop , it was the same when she had been a teenager . He loved his sister , but being able to tune her out was a survival skill . He wondered how that email could have been written . Had someone hacked his email account ? He didn 't think it was possible , after all he was the only person who knew the password , and it was a nice long one . That was one thing Vipal had done for him , he 'd taught him to use long passwords . Wait , did Vipal know the password as well ? Of course he did , George had given them all to him , and hadn 't quite managed to get round to changing them . Had Vipal hacked into his account and sent recommendation emails ? " Now Mr George , you know you agreed to send some recommendation emails as part of the original deal . That 's how you could afford our VIP price plan . You have excellent connections . " George was remembering why he quit the service . He could never win an argument with Vipal . Which was the reason he was wearing Calvin Klein jeans , despite his hatred of brands , especially slightly faded ones , and jeans . George looked at his phone in some consternation . He was confused . Had he managed to actually fire Vipal ? But also , how was he going to survive ? He 'd never have remembered to book the dentist . They 'd probably sent reminders , but he was very good at not seeing them . No , he wanted control of his life . He 'd just have to be firm with Vipal next time they spoke . He thought Janice would probably laugh at him again . She still had her assistant and loved her . He 'd told her last week that he was firing Vipal and she 'd said she couldn 't survive without the support , and he just needed to relax . Now that he thought about it , he 'd only met Janice because of Vipal . The assistant had signed him up to that online dating service , Partners he thought it was called . To be honest he 'd been quite annoyed at first , but Vipal had done everything . Just told him where and when to meet the dates . Janice wasn 't the first match , and he 'd been a bit unsure at first , but they 'd kept having dates . Then Vipal and Asha , Janice 's assistant , had synced up their diaries , and here they were , nice and happy . Except he wasn 't happy . Hadn 't been happy . Maybe he was happier now . Since he 'd fired Vipal he 'd been able to sleep properly . A black cloud had lifted , and yet today it had returned . He needed to get rid of his assistant properly . After the dentist appointment though . Mind made up , he headed towards the station . " Look Philippa , I 'm really sorry . I think the whole virtual assistant thing was a mistake . I 've got rid of Vipal , can I take you for a coffee ? " He looked through the texts , and then at his phone . More than half the texts didn 't match up . It explained why some of her texts had made no sense . In fact his worries about her sanity had been one of the reasons he 'd finally finished it with her . " Well , it 's just , I was offered a free trial of a virtual assistant just after we started going out . I said I didn 't need one . They became quite insistent , and it wasn 't until I threatened to go to the authorities that they stopped . I was going to tell you about it … " They had lunch and George went to his dentist appointment in a daze . They told him he 'd need some work done on his teeth , fillings and suchlike , and they 'd organise the dates with his assistant . He just nodded . He went into work and Peterson called him in for a meeting . He did like his boss , but he wasn 't quite sure he could cope with another telling off . There 'd been a few of those in the last month . Without Vipal he was struggling to get to meetings and hit deadlines . " Nothing to worry about old man . Didn 't want to talk about it . What I wanted to say was , congratulations , you 've done it ! 7G had been his dream when he 'd started at the company . They did all the innovative stuff , but he 'd been rejected . Ended up in one of the side areas , each day a little of his hope eroding away , and yet now , suddenly , he was in . But , well , it was obvious . It had been Vipal . That night he sat in his kitchen staring at the phone on the table . He needed to call Vipal . He needed to be free . Yet , he looked around . It was a lovely flat . Vipal and Asha had found it for them , and it was a steal , though he and Janice could barely afford it . Except now he was going to be getting a bit more money so they wouldn 't have problems . Janice was lovely too . Perhaps not the type of girl he had imagined he 'd end up with , but still , she was attractive , successful and everyone said they made a good couple . He stared at the phone again and realised he had no choice . He paused , and said , " Can you set up a surprise dinner with Janice ? Somewhere nice ? I need to tell her about my promotion . Also , can you find me an engagement ring , make sure the band is a little large so she has a reason to visit the shop and be pampered . " Vipal actually meant there was an entry in the diary which George had been foolish enough to put in himself . There was clear frustration in Vipal 's voice , like a master who wonders if his dog will ever be trained . George had been very good at following his assistant 's appointments for a few weeks now and Vipal had assumed George was properly settled . They hit the appropriate icons on their screens and waited a few seconds for the call to connect . They both appeared on the list of participants , and then a new person joined , called Prikesh . George thought he heard Vipal gasp . " As I was saying . Relationship reset . Mr George has approached me and asked me to help him initiate a more freestyle programme . He understands that it will cost him the same amount , but that he will be receiving less service from you Vipal . He was lucky as we have just started a programme , initially aimed at our highest paying customers , but it is good to have a few other test subjects at the VIP level . " " I will transfer you the instructions for you to read in your next break , but in essence you will only provide him with support when he explicitly asks for it . He may ask you to add proactive services , but these must be on a case by case basis . Do you understand Vipal ? " " Good . I shall drop off the call and let you discuss it further , but your call with the mechanic is soon Vipal , I 'll leave a timer in your window . Also I 've rearranged your lunch with Priyanka , you need more time to prepare for the group meeting this afternoon . She said she understood . " I left before it got awkward . Or more awkward . I don 't try to proselytise , I never did . To everyone , Gods don 't exist . Why question that ? Or the sun , or gravity , or evolution ? I had an embarrassing insanity . After the AA meeting I decided I needed a break . From people , from society . I would go into the hills , restore my faith , and return better able to face the looks of incredulity from my work colleagues , my now ex - friends . It was probably best my mother was dead . She 'd bought Pascal 's line , and believed just in case . That 's not belief to me , but she 'd have worried about me . At least someone would have . The mountain was lovely . It was behind the wooden shack , and all around were trees . Going on and on . The brochure had mentioned wild animals , in a slightly cautious manner . I was excited about them . Each day I 'd start by going outside and greeting the sun . I 'd think that but for God 's grace I wouldn 't be able to , there would be no sun , no mountain for me . It felt hollow . I was starting to have a sneaking suspicion . I read somewhere that for God to exist , people have to believe in him . If they stop believing , then , well , he just fades away . Or she . Either way , the divine entity is gone . Was my belief enough to sustain a being capable of creating the world in six days ? I was mildly confident I could believe in a divinity who 'd take the seventh day off . At the end of the second week I walked out in the morning and greeted the sun , accepting it was only there because of physics . Complex physics yes , and we still haven 't worked out how Dark Energy works , but that doesn 't require belief , just observation and maths . I 'd been the last believer . Now I was just like everyone else . If I was lucky it would only be one of them . I was lucky , so far . Mercey was screeching like a banshee but Clemmy was still snoring gently . It amazed me that they could sleep through a racket which actually hurt my head , but they 'd never woken each other up . Mercey had woken because of her nappy . Somehow she 'd taken the healthy white milk we 'd fed her , and turned it into a yellowy brown toxic sludge , which it was my unenviable duty to dispose of . I thought of waking Helen , but I knew I wouldn 't get back to sleep with all the screeching anyway . When they were first born they 'd been passive during nappy changes , now it was wriggle central . Normally I could control it , but in the blurry morning I failed . First she got hold of the nappy , and managed to drag it back over her , spilling its contents everywhere . Then , to cap it off , she peed all over the mat . It took me twenty minutes to clean her , put a new nappy and baby grow on and get her settled with a bottle of milk . The milk was cheating , but I was really hoping she 'd nod off again and I could grab another hour of sleep . Mercey , full name Mercedes Suzanne Harvey , was such a delight most of the time , none more so than immediately after a night time feed . She smiled and put her arms out for a cuddle . I held her in my arms , and wallowed in the joy of being a father , and with such a lovely little girl . She was tired , and didn 't fuss when I put her pack down . I looked over at Clemmy , still snoozing away , and I gently closed the door and walked back to bed . My head had literally just touched the pillow when there was another banshee scream . I could have sworn Mercey was sleepy . Perhaps I 'd rushed her ? I needed to get to her before she went ballistic . Helen didn 't even grunt as I assured her all was under control and headed back to the baby . Except it wasn 't Mercey , it was Clemmy . Mercey was already sleeping quite happily . Clemmy 's nappy was if anything worse than Mercey 's . She didn 't pull the nappy away , which was good , but she did pee at just the wrong time , drenching the new nappy , her clothes and my arm as I tried , vainly , to control the flow . She too was happy when she had finished her milk . " Clementine Julia Harvey , you are a pretty little girl , but it 's now sleepy time , " I whispered to her as I held her . Unfortunately , she disagreed . Whenever I put her down in her cot she started to cry , and cranked up the volume if I didn 't respond immediately . I knew I should let her cry for a bit , but it was so hard . The cries rasping across my nerves . I tried to explain to her why she needed to go to sleep . Perhaps the desperation in my voice got through , because she calmed down and even let me put her in the cot . She looked up at me again and then rolled over , and was asleep before I put the light out . I checked on Mercey , she was still asleep , and I crept back to bed . As I was about to slip into bed , the thought of resting my heading beguiling me , a loud screech filled the room . I stared about in bewilderment until I realised it was my alarm . Clemmy had taken all my remaining sleep time . I have to admit , part of me wanted to go downstairs and wake her up and keep her awake so she could see . I didn 't , not just because I 'm not that cruel , and it would be self defeating as a tired Clemmy is not something I 'd wish on anyone . It was also because I really did have a big meeting and I needed to get going . I washed and showered in a zombie like state . Kissed Helen goodbye , not that she noticed as she was still enjoying her precious sleep before the morning feed and the beginning of the daily circus . Somehow , despite having woken up so early I was running late . Early morning traffic , something I 'd always felt was an oxymoron , conspired to slow me down , and then the carpark was nearly full and I was forced to park miles from the station . I ran to the ticket machine . They 'd recently put ticket barriers in so there was no longer the option to just jump on the train and buy a ticket , and I 'd been caught out by that a couple of times . As I neared the ticket machine a woman who was heading in that direction saw me and cut across my path . She then ambled to the machine . I wondered if I should push past her , after all I had my card and knew the dance so would be very quick . She got to the machine before the devil on my shoulder had won the argument . Our machines are not as slow as they used to be . Which is to say that they 've replaced the clockwork with steam ; but if you do the right things they take slightly less than a minute . I know , I 've timed it . The woman did not know the dance , and managed to push the wrong buttons , put her card in at the wrong time which cause the whole transaction to cancel , and generally did her best to wind me up . She eventually got her tickets and ambled off , and it was my turn . Fifty - five seconds later I was heading for the barriers . As I got through my train pulled away . The guard nodded sympathetically at me , " Some days , " he said . I managed a weak smile before heading to the coffee place . I might as well grab one while I waited the half hour for the next train . The problem with living out in the sticks was that , well , I was out in the sticks . Transport was infrequent , people were slow , and there was an almost continuous smell of manure in the air . I mean it was a lovely laid back lifestyle . They of course did not have decaf coffee , apparently they 'd just run out . The man smiled an apology , " Some days . " Yes . I just wondered why every day was turning into one of them . So I had the hot chocolate , which would at least warm me . We were the end of the line , which meant the train usually sat waiting for the next departure , which at this time of year meant a warm place to stay . Unfortunately it was delayed so I had to hang out on the platform , trying my best to get cover from the wind by leaning against the wall . The autumn breeze was tricky and vicious though , and kept finding me . In my rush to get out of the house I 'd forgotten my coat , and the house was just far enough away that I couldn 't definitely get there and back before the next train . " Oh right . Well if it makes you feel any better I really have meetings all day , not even a break for lunch , and there is a very faint hope I might get out before midnight . We 're allegedly signing today . " " Thanks Doug , that does make me feel a little better . " It didn 't really , but at least he was trying . We 'd gone to school together , but then he 'd gone to a different , ok I 'll admit , better , university , and ended up a high flyer . I 'd somehow ended up in the middle . Of everything , and it would appear an ever widening lake of poo . " See you sometime soon , " said Doug as he headed to the first class carriage . Just as he got to the door , he turned and said , " Toodle pip ! " before laughing and getting in . Really , I could kill him sometimes . I got on to the train , and headed for my favourite seat . It had extra leg room and a table for my laptop . Somehow , despite the fact that there 'd been almost no one else on the platform , someone had taken my seat , and my second favourite too . I stared for a moment before sighing and heading towards one of the other seats . I 'd arrive in London with back ache at the very least , but it was , just , better than standing . My hour long train journey consisted of the usual joys . A large , and yet bony , man sat next to me and felt that he should have three quarters of my seat as well . He read a broadsheet newspaper and managed to cover half my laptop screen , and it was only after a few coughs and a couple of bumps that he moved across enough to allow me to continue to breathe . Then we had the loud and chirpy couple who had to share how great their lives were with the whole carriage . By the time I got to London I was desperate to get out of the terrible little box . Even if meant that I had to get the tube . The tube ride was normal . By which I mean , crowded , smelly and unpleasant , but in a comforting London way . I arrived at work , fifteen minutes late , and with just five minutes to prepare for my meeting . There was a note on my desk from my boss , " Come as soon as you get in ! " Oh dear . As I got to his office his secretary looked at me sympathetically and said , " He wanted to move you forward half an hour to fit in a call with Asia . He 's on the call now , but based on his expression it isn 't going well . " I sat , like a naughty school boy , on the chair outside his office . I never understood how they could make these chairs so uncomfortable . It was as if there was a special factory , somewhere in China probably , where they forced their designers to make torture chairs , and if there was the hint of comfort in them the designer would be taken outside and probably forced to sit in someone else 's bad chair so he 'd get the idea . Excuses ? Oh for being late . Right . I took a breath and started to give him my spiel on the departments future . We 'd had a tough year , but we knew what we had to do , we were concentrating on quality , and we were going to invest in some new senior designers . What ? Hopkins , he was my number two . A bit young for the position , and wet behind the ears , but I had hopes of moulding him in a year or two . Why would he be talking to Higgins ? " No Harvey , you don 't understand . The world has changed . Haven 't you noticed the recession ? We 've been in it for three years ! " " Don 't interrupt me ! " His voice was vicious . " If we 'd not given discounts we 'd have lost more clients . They 're the ones who pay us you know . " " In the olden days I 'd tell you I expected your resignation , but we aren 't allowed to do it that way anymore . I 'll speak to HR , and they 'll get on to you later today . Hopkins will help you pack up . " I went back to my own office , much smaller than my boss 's , but still an office , a space of my own , and closing the door , I sat down . I stared at the screen , unable to comprehend what had just happened . I stayed in that number state for weeks . The HR interview , redundancy package and everything else just flowed over me . I nodded , smiled even and signed whatever I was given , and started my gardening leave . Helen and I spoke , I 'm sure of it , but I don 't really know what about . I even failed to enjoy my time with the twins , though fortunately they were too young to notice my distraction and seemed to view it as a further excuse to climb all over me . Despite my fug I was counting the days till our money ran out . With my redundancy I could pay off our cards , which I thought would give us some space , but with what Helen earned as a primary school assistant , we couldn 't afford the bills , let alone the mortgage . I had to get a job . I told myself it would be easy to get a new job . I told myself I 'd never get a new job . The excuses came and went , and I just sat , staring at the TV until the twins cried , or Helen really pushed me . Eventually , with just weeks of money left I went to a recruitment consultant . He paused , and said , " I also need to be honest with you . You 're not going to be getting a pay increase . If you were still in a job , then sure easy , but as you 've been out of one for a few months I just won 't be able to swing it . " The first place I interviewed seemed to think I wanted a junior position . I soon disabused them of that notion , and they politely said they had nothing at my level . This was repeated a few times , until I realised that my shiny suited friend was just sending me to anything remotely covered by my CV and wasn 't even checking the level . We had some words . He apologised , said he was just finding the level and he 'd sort me out . He was so thick skinned it was almost impressive . Several more pointless interviews followed . Some were at my level , but they seemed to think I wouldn 't fit in , or that I lacked commercial experience . I explained about the importance of good service and craftsmanship . I came to recognise the slightly condescending expression which presaged rejection . One of them even tried to tell me that in this new world there wasn 't time for that , people just wanted enough to get by . I argued and told him that it was short termism and would cost more in the longer term . He looked at me , shook his head and said , " Most of them know they won 't be there in the long term , one way or another . " Then I thought that maybe I could go it alone . A small scale company , dedicated to doing it properly . I would need some capital to keep me going for the first year or so while I got started , but I could see it , soon I 'd be raking in the cash , stealing customers from my old firm . I went to a bank . They asked for a business plan . I gave them one . They didn 't laugh , but I think they were close . They tore it apart , nicely , and asked me to do it again . I did , but the numbers still didn 't add up for them . They tried to tell me that to make it work I needed to do more marketing , but that would mean less time for making the product , which meant either I had to charge more , or do a poor job . In the end I couldn 't get them to buy into it . The next bank were even less interested . I hit a new low . " I am doing everything I can , I 'm even doing extra shifts , but as you have said to me oh so many times , I 'll never earn enough . Well then , you need to suck it in . You 're not a manager any more . You don 't have an office . You are nothing ! If you don 't get a job soon we 'll have to sell the house , and then we 'll have nothing . Get a job . Anything . Otherwise I 'm leaving . " I was beside myself . Who was she to say that to me ? I had been supporting the family for years . Earning the money while she indulged herself with part time jobs and suchlike . I seethed . I had to get out . I walked in to our little town . One street of shops , a couple of supermarkets and a farmers ' market every other Wednesday . The most exciting thing to happen recently had been the arrival of the Costa Coffee shop . By the time I got to the Costa my anger had drained completely and I realised what a fool I had been . I looked in to the window , almost pressing my nose to the glass like a boy at a sweet shop . I couldn 't afford a coffee . I walked around for most of the afternoon , and a plan formed in my mind . I was going to get us out of our hole . First I had to apologise to Helen . " So the plan is this . We sell the house . I get a temporary job until that 's done , and then I 'll start my own firm using our money instead of owing the bank . I 'll show them that craftsmanship is still needed . " She looked at me and then hugged me . " It 's so good to have you back . It 's been dreadful living with a zombie these past months . " Helen rang the estate agency the next day , and I rang the temp agency . The estate agent came right round , a bad sign in retrospect as they clearly hadn 't anything to do . They hummed and harred and eventually gave us a price which would pay off our mortgage and give us a little profit . Enough to pay for rent for a year , and give me the capital to start a firm . I was disappointed that it wasn 't more , but it was still going to set us free . The weeks passed . My temp work was mind - numbingly dull , and serving coffee wasn 't much more interesting . The girls were teething so sleep was a rare luxury , and Helen was back at school which meant that we were juggling the child care . Worse , we 'd had one person to view the house and their only feedback had been that the rooms were the wrong shape . Really . I was exhausted , and the money was still dripping away . We got the estate agent back to ask why the house wasn 't selling . It took them an hour to say it , but it came down to price . They wanted us to drop it , by twenty percent . They were certain they could sell at that . My heart sank . At that price we 'd barely cover the mortgage , let alone have any left to live on or invest in my company . I almost screamed at them to get out , but managed to hold on long enough to see them to the door . Helen 's words were the final straw . It wasn 't going to be alright . We were drowning and there was nothing going to save us . The anger began to bubble in me and I knew I had to get away . I just ran out of the door . I walked and walked . The whole mess bearing down on me . It was all my fault . If I 'd been more flexible at work . If we hadn 't built up so much debt . If . If . If . I found myself in a park , walking round , crying and repeating if again and again . I had been stretched too far , and had now finally snapped . I didn 't know if I 'd ever get better again . My anger flared and I turned , ready to launch myself at whoever it was . I 'd had enough of the world pushing me about . As I stalked towards the man , he said , " Oh it 's you Harvey . Haven 't seen you for a while . " Apathy had followed the burst of anger , and I let him guide me . All the way to the pub . He dumped me in a corner and bought me a pint . I think he was hoping to get a smile out of me , but I had no smiles left . Instead I took a large gulp of stout and started to talk . Two pints and an hour of rant later I came to a shuddering halt . It felt so good to talk to someone . He frowned at me and said , " So let me get this straight . You care too much about doing your job properly to get a proper job . You have a wonderful wife , and two little girls who need you . You 've more or less run out of cash , and you 're trying to sell your house into the worst property market in a generation . " " Yes , really . " He frowned . " Look , I 'm not promising anything , but , I think I might be able to help you . Or at least help you help yourself . If you 're willing to try . " He was as good as his word . He called me in and laid out his proposal . At first I didn 't quite understand , and then I was unsure it would work , but he promised me it would . He offered to invest for a fifty - fifty share of the profits , and said he 'd find our first customers . He talked wistfully about maybe giving up the commute and working locally , or even retiring , if we could pull it off . That 's how we started our business . We had a rocky first year , but Doug was true to his word and covered the costs , and now we 're making enough for me to cover the mortgage and even buy the girls , including Helen , the occasional treat . We 're still not making enough that Doug can afford to retire , but we 're about to hire another member of staff which is a great sign . I 've been very clear with Doug that I will not have anyone onboard who doesn 't have the right work ethic . He just nodded and said , " Same old Harvey . " But he agreed . What exactly do we do ? We train fathers . Not something that anyone thought would be required , but it 's amazing how many people come to us . The problem is , you don 't get a manual when a baby is born , and there 's so much aimed at training mothers that fathers get left out . Doug had a whole group of mates who were absolutely petrified about their impending , or in some cases recent , fatherhood . When they found out that they could talk to someone , a man , who would give them help and advice , they jumped at the chance . More importantly , they were willing to pay for it . I have two lovely daughters , and have learned many of the lessons the hard way . Having twins meant that we always both had to be involved and it 's given me an insight that I am happy to share . I 've distilled it into a set of tips and tricks , and I 've trained my assistants , who are fathers themselves , so that I 'm confident they understand the job , and can teach our clients . We take the new fathers through it all step by step , and show them how the little things make all the difference . My clients appreciate the attention to detail , and they want to learn . Our marketing is all word of mouth , often the wives of our customers tell their friends , and we even get the occasional repeat customer . The majority of my time is spent actually helping people . It is deeply fulfilling in a way my old job never quite managed . As I lay back , waiting for the pain to begin , I wondered if I 'd have changed anything . I stared at the ceiling , the squares disappeared and I could see her beautiful face . My Pashmina . I could still picture the first time I 'd seen her in the flesh . She was standing at the top of the theatre stairs , the ideal of a perfect woman . Her hair was white and her skin translucent , as if someone had dressed up a marble statue of a Greek goddess . She was still , poised , ready to fly . I knew I shouldn 't be there , but I 'd wanted to see her . It was then that she stole my heart . The first time I met her was a little while later . It was also at the theatre . I bumped into her on the stairs and knocked her drink . I insisted on buying her another and we started talking . My lines were weak , I could hardly believe she would give me any time , but she seemed to enjoy the attention . She later admitted she 'd been stood up again , and I 'd been a welcome distraction . When I walked into her apartment , some weeks later of course , it was like going home . I knew where everything was . The tiny kitchen off the main room , the small bedroom , and the bathroom fitted into what might be a large cupboard in a different world . I 'd known of course , but I was touched that she 'd trust me enough to tell me . Perhaps she loved me ? Or my love for her , so bright , so impossible to hide , led her to believe I thought I was safe . She told me everything , all about what she had done , what she was planning to do . I should have dissuaded her , or encouraged her , or reported her . I just listened and made my plans . The first time I 'd seen her face had been six months before . It was on the front page of her dossier . The photograph , a little grainy , showed a beautiful wraith . The description of her was so cold . Name : Pashmina Tun . Height : Five foot six inches . Skin colour : White ( albino ) . Eyes : Blue . She was to be watched , Intelligence believed she had contacts with the underground . She was also clearly untrustworthy as she rarely ventured out during the day , preferring the night . I could hardly tell her that it was the only time I knew she wasn 't watched , as it was my shift . I 'd tried to tell myself I could explain my actions to my superiors as trying to get closer to my target . I doubted that would buy me any acceptance . Or mercy . I was in a panic . I 'd come in to my shift , to find that an order for Pashmina 's arrest had been made . I was to keep an extra eye on her , and she would be picked up the next morning when the Colonel had returned . I 'd barely been able to wait for the previous watcher to leave before I rushed to her apartment , banging on the door like a crazy man . How to explain to her ? If I told her the truth , what would she do ? She would cry . For some time . I tried to hold her , but she pushed me away . My panic grew . Time was being wasted . She wiped her eyes and looked at me . She nodded . Her face was a statue again . Ice . We rushed around her tiny living space and collected some clothes and a few other things . I insisted that she be able to easily carry whatever she needed . At the border post I showed my card . The guards saluted , and we drove through . At the other end Pashmina got out as instructed , approached the barrier and in broken English demanded asylum . I 'd given her papers , transcripts . She 'd be able to prove the state wanted her , and had bad plans for her . She 'd be safe . I reversed the car , and she turned . The look of confusion quickly replaced by comprehension . She took steps towards me , and then stopped . I was already out of her reach . I mouthed ' I love you ' . I 'd given her everything I could , a start in a new country , a new life . They arrested me at my post the next day . The guards had reported me , and the machinery of our repression , of which I 'd been a cog , moved quickly . The horse had bolted , but they cared little for Pashmina , she was small fry . I was a traitor . It was hard to picture her through my tears . My old life was gone . My love was gone . All I had now was a future of pain . First this ' process ' as we so politely called it , and then a work camp . " Great companions . Only problem , particularly with labs , is they 're hungry . I 'd left my phone in the car , I don 't know why because I never left my phone anywhere . I left it in the little shelf in the door . Right next to some sweets . " The tramp leant back , " Nobody does . Anyway they went for the sweets , but the shelf was small and they struggled to get the sweets out , and got the phone first . Crunch . Little bits of glass all over the place . Phone dead . Kaput . " " Well I ordered one . Or asked my wife to . Same model . But you see the thing was , there was a delay . I wouldn 't have my phone for a week . Can you imagine ? " " My car wouldn 't recognise me . Couldn 't get into my front door , couldn 't buy anything . My virtual credit cards were all frozen until I got a new unit . I had an old one , but it took a different sim see , so they wouldn 't reactivate it . Or would , but it would take longer than the new phone . Do you think I could go to work ? " " How ? No phone . No messenger . No email . I tried to call from the reception desk , but without my phone id to authenticate me … well he refused the call . " " Then they fired me . No payoff , failure to turn up for work . Except the firing bounced , no phone you see , so I didn 't find out directly . I found out from my wife . What did she do to help me I hear you ask ? " " She called me a fool . She also told me to stop blaming the dog , he was suffering enough . I realised then the hierarchy in the house , and I didn 't like it . I said some things . I didn 't mean them , it was just the pressure . You know . " " Well , she said some things too . Then stormed out , taking the dog . Told me to call her when I 'd grown up . That turned out to be hard . " " If only . You see she 'd ordered the new phone in her name . Now if she 'd been around we could have swapped the sims and heydee ho , with a couple of hours , on her phone of course , to customer services it would have all been fine . I had to break into the house . I was watching . Saw it delivered , they wouldn 't have given it to me , and broke in . Big mistake . " " The house called the cops . That expensive security system I put in . Tied to our phones . I grabbed the phone and ran . And ran , hoping to fit my sim in . Couldn 't , cos of it being in my wife 's name and all , but kept it with my while I wandered . Found myself in the backend of the city . Tough times . I learned a lot . First thing was to drop the new phone , even without my sim it had a tracker and they were trying to find it . I paid for really good security you see . Met some people , learned how to live without the phone , without id , and money . Hard life . Good life . " " Oh no , I don 't want your phone . Don 't need one . Just wanted to share the story , maybe it can help . Wanted to help someone today of all days . " " I 'm dead today . Legally . After thirty years , all of the automatic payments and suchlike I 'd put into place have finally ground to a halt , and the world , your world , has decided I 'm dead . Saw the notice while watching one of those demo phones . " " No , no , that 's the opposite lesson . Tobacco was rehabilitated , it 's used in all sorts of things now , paper , a lot of medicines . Tobacco production has grown for the last decade , even while smoking has been consigned to the wilderness of history . " " Of course . But first we need to stop painting them as evil . They do what they do , we just need to find a way of making it less , deadly . " " Does that justify wiping them from the planet ? No . Are they an existential threat to us ? Definitely not . They kill far fewer than they used to , and I think with a little research we can bring that number down to zero . I really do . " " First good question you 've asked . There 's a lot people . They don 't necessarily agree with my clients , but they think their destruction is unwarranted . Something like , I don 't agree with what you do , but I will give my life to defend your right to do so … " July 14 , 2015 · 08 : 43 Hopper and the Fresians - Published today ! My first novel , Hopper and the Fresians , has been published . You can get it from here .

We got a late start today because I was trying to get everything together for Joe before I left . I made him breakfast , did dishes , made phone calls and made two chicken salad sandwiches for his dinner . But Elaine and I finally got on the road and headed out to Lancaster . It 's so great to be here . So beautiful and peaceful . The first place we went to was Kitchen Kettle . It 's a " village " of cute little stores . We love going there . There was something new there this year - - a beautiful fountain . I took Elaine 's picture in front of it . Then we headed to the Christmas store . Every year we go there to pick out an ornament . This year I got a nativity scene made from olive wood from Bethlehem . I forgot to take a picture of it , but take my word for it , it 's gorgeous . I went outside to wait for Elaine and listen to the musicians . We saved the Jam and Relish Kitchen for last . We always end up spending too much money and buying too much stuff in there . I got some hickory smoke barbeque sauce , some apple butter , and a jar of peach ginger jelly that tastes almost as good as my great - grandmother 's . I bought it because it reminded me so much of hers . The store has open jars of their product and little dishes of oyster crackers all around that you can taste their things before you buy it . One thing we tasted was called " Cheesecake in a Jar . " It was sort of like sweet cream cheese . Elaine saw this and had me stand in the picture frame to take my picture . Yummie the gingerbread boy is the mascot of Kitchen Kettle . Does it look like a postcard ? We checked into our motel and got settled in . Here is the view from our window . We went to dinner at the Bird - in - Hand Restaurant . Elaine had a veggie platter - - tossed salad , baked potato , broccoli with cheese sauce , and batter dipped fried zucchini . I had a slice of ham loaf with gravy , mashed potatoes and green beans . So good . We looked around the store attached to the restaurant a little bit , but didn 't buy anything . Instead we went to Rockvale Mall . It is all outlet stores . I got Joe two pairPosted by Welcome to day two of vacation . I got up early and did some more cleaning before leaving for church . Joe was not feeling well and stayed home . He has not been doing too well these days . After church I did some more cleaning . Oh my , there is so much to do around here . I hadn 't finished when my sister showed up . So that 's the end for today . We went to Bristol , PA to the King George II Inn for dinner . It 's where I went to dinner on my birthday . You can read about it here . The atmosphere is great . It is an actual 300 year old building which has always been an inn . The food is so exceptionally good . Elaine , Larry and Marion had the crab cakes , Rich had pasta , I had meat loaf and Kim had prime rib . For appetizers we had mini pierogies , lime and chili humus with pita wedges and crab dip with soft pretzels to dip into it . The waitress saw us taking pictures and offered to get a group shot . So nice of her ! It turned out a little dark because we were by the window , but it 's still good . After we finished eating we were looking around the building . We went into the private dining rooms they had . If I were ever holding a small party , this is the place I 'd go to . This is the President 's Room . We headed over to the park to take some pictures and went out onto the pier . It was beautiful You could hear all the music and the weather was perfect . In the park itself there were lots of booths / tents with people selling all kinds of food and crafts . These two motor boats kept going up and down the river . I was lucky enough to get them just as they crossed each other 's paths . The island in the background is Burlington Island . It has a small amusement park and a marina on the other side . Marion has been a friend of ours since she and I were in fourth grade together . We wanted to get a picture of the three of us together . How funny that all of us chose to wear black and white to dinner . It was getting late and as much as we wanted to stay listening to the music on the water , it was time to go home . Here is a picture of the street where we parked . Such pretty houses . I called Joe before we left and he asked me to bring him home a sandwich . So I stopped at Wawa and got him a hoagie . So sad he was not feeling well enough to come . These are less than half of the pictures I took , but I didn 't want to overwhelm you . So much to see and do in Bristol . All in all today has been a great day . Here it is heading for 2 a . m . and I am just getting around to blogging . That 's because it has been a really busy day . Besides watching the Olympics , I did a lot of cleaning in my kitchen . That 's right , folks . I decided enough was enough and did a massive " haven 't used it , let 's get rid of it . " Oh my , how nice things look now . Why oh why didn 't I do this before ? I guess because I am always so tired when I get home from work . What a difference a day without work makes ! Ha , ha . Today , well Saturday the 28th , is my sister Elaine 's birthday . She is 39 again . ( Not really , but I 'll never tell her real age . ) Elaine is the sister next to me in age - - the second child in the family . And she is the sweetest person anyone could possibly know . This is the first time in years we have not spent her birthday together . Usually I take her birthday week off and we have our " Sisters ' Week " , but this year it with it being on a Saturday it didn 't work out that way . So tomorrow ( or should I say today ) is the day we are celebrating . She is coming in the early afternoon from her home in northern New Jersey ( a 2 hour drive ) and we are going to dinner . It will be fun . But now I really have to go to bed . The rest of the cleaning up will have to wait until the morning when I get up . I just can 't do any more tonight . What a way to spend the first day of my vacation ! On the other hand , I 'm feeling really good about my kitchen . Posted by I had an interesting day today . It began with a meeting I had to attend at the Northeast Regional Library . This is where I work on Sundays and where I used to work years ago . I am always late getting places . Ask Joe , he will tell you . It drives him nuts . But I was afraid to be late today . I was the 4th person there . The meeting was about the reorganization of the library system . I thought it would be deadly dull , but it actually was very interesting . I even asked a question . If you know me , you know I usually just sit in a meeting with my mouth shut . So this was hitting the big time for me . The best part of the meeting was - - no , not the free breakfast - - seeing so many of my friends that I have worked with in the past . Always fun to catch up . Here it is the last day before vacation . All day I felt as if time was d - r - a - g - g - i - n - g . I think it should be lunchtime , and I have an hour to go . But I know that on my vacation time is going to fly by . I stopped at ShopRite on the way home and got some flounder and asparagus for dinner . As a treat , I got two little pieces of fudge brownie cheesecake . Oh my ! A wonderfully delicious way to start my vacation week . So , for my Friday view today I have to show you what I got in the mail this week . My blog friend Bonnie at What About Pie ? had a giveaway and I won ! When I got home from work Joe told me I had a package . I saw Bonnie 's name on it and knew just what it was . It was wrapped so cute in pretty gingham paper ! And when I opened it , the inside was cute too ! I was so impressed . Here 's what I won . They are three antique books and three bookmarks that she made . Thanks for picking me , Bonnie ! I love them . Woo hoo ! Vacation is here ! ! ! Google imageAnother really busy day at work . So much to do and just Bob and I there . Usually Thursdays are sort of quiet and it sure started off that way , but all of a sudden the doors opened and the people poured in . Boy oh boy oh boy ! I was getting the deposit together tonight when I heard the windows start rattling . The wind began to whistle and the trees were blowing so hard they almost bent in half . Then the thunder and lightning started . And the hail began . Here 's a picture of some lightning over the Philly skyline from our local news station . The weather was so bad that driving home I could hardly see to drive . I considered pulling over somewhere and trying to wait it out . But I didn 't know how long I would have to sit there and I didn 't know if anyone coming along could see me or would hydroplane , so I just kept on ( praying very hard ) and finally made it home . Unfortunately I did not have an umbrella , so I made a mad dash for the house . But even with the short distance I had to go , I was soaked when I got in . We desperately need the rain and I 'm so grateful for it . But couldn 't it have held off for about 15 minutes and let me get home ? Friends here . Friends there . Friends , friends everywhere ! Everywhere I turned today there was a friend . It began with me going to my friend Donna 's house for lunch . Donna and I met at the library when I waited on her . We began talking , hit it off , and became close friends . She is so sweet and I love spending time with her . Donna had invited me for lunch a couple of weeks ago and I couldn 't make it . So we arranged for me to go to her house today . She lives close by the library , so it was easy for me to do this . She made these delicious chicken salad sandwiches on onion rolls . So good . When I got back to work , my friend Debbie was just leaving . She stayed a few more minutes and we got to talk . I haven 't seen her in awhile and it was good to catch up . Then my friend Charlie from Tuesday Morning Bible Study came into the library . It was really busy so I couldn 't talk to him much , but it was good to see him . Tonight Walt , Carole , Joe and I went to Chick - fil - a for dinner . We weren 't sure which Wednesday it was that people were to come to support them . It turns out it 's next week , so we are going back again then . Do you all know what is happening with Chick - fil - a ? They are having some serious problems with people who want to shut them down because of their president / founder 's personal view on gay / lesbian marriage . We want to support them . While we were waiting in line I felt someone tap me on the shoulder . It was my friend Mary who was also eating there . She used to go to the same church I do , but has fallen away for some time . She hugged me and I told her I missed her . I 'm trying to encourage her to return . Our meal was very good ( as usual ) . As we were finishing , the manager came over to take our trays and ask how everything was . We started talking to him . He told us he 's 26 and has been with Chick - fil - a since he was 20 . He 's a born - again Christian and is so happy with his job . We were telling him how we support the company and are so glad they are there . He is going to look for us next week . What a nice guy . So just 2 morKathy This has been quite a day . Jerry was off today and so was Diane . So we were really shorthanded . Of course this meant that everything happened . To begin with , we got a delivery . This is a good thing . But we usually get 2 - 3 totes of books to check in . They have been returned to other libraries or people have requested them to come to us from another branch . It takes about an hour to check in each tote . Well , since it was just Bob and me there today we got 10 totes ! You read that right . Ten ! ! ! It was all we did all day . Thank goodness our volunteer was in and did a lot of shelving for us . We wouldn 't have been able to do without him . When Marquita came in for the last 2 hours it helped a lot . Then there were the kids . They were so rude and unruly . One little girl screamed and cursed at me because I told her to pick up some candy that she and her brother were throwing at each other . So I did some throwing myself . I threw them both along with their friend out of the library . Walt , our guard , told me he was proud of me . Ha ! Then there were the adults . Sheila was told she was rude because she told a lady that she was sorry she couldn 't get on a particular computer because the lady was an hour and a half late for her reservation . The lady is going to report Sheila and " make sure she is fired . " Working with the public is no fun . You will notice my retirement ticker at the bottom of the page . I am counting down the days to when I can get out of there . As you can tell I am very frustrated today . I am sure not all libraries are like that . I am hoping when I retire I can volunteer at a nice quiet library with nice quiet people . I think any library would welcome a volunteer who has worked at a library for 20 years . My vacation next week is looking better and better . Posted by I 'm so glad I had such a good weekend this week . Even though I didn 't get everything done that I wanted to , I still got SOMETHING done and that 's always good . Today at church we had a great service . We sang a lot of the worship songs I like ( especially " As the Deer " ) . Now I 'll be singing them all week . For some reason once I get a song in my head on Sunday , I sing it all week non - stop . Sometimes it drives me crazy , but I can 't shake it . Are you that way ? We had a special prayer for the people in Aurora , Colorado . What an evil thing to happen to those poor people who just went to see a movie . So sad . There is no understanding why people do the things they do . The Harvest America Crusade countdown continues . Only 32 more days to go and still so much to do to get the word out . I asked for people to sign up to help and got all my greeters and one usher . I really need follow - up counselors . No one seems to want to do that job , but it 's the most important one . I made a meatloaf for dinner tonight . Usually I put onions in it , but Joe 's stomach has been bothering him something awful , so I left them out . And it turned out so good . I also had mashed potatoes and peas . A really good meal . It was a beautiful sunset today . I took pictures every few minutes as the sun went down . It amazes me how quickly the sky changes . Now things are winding down . It 's time for bed and getting ready for the week ahead . Five more days of work and then nine days off . I 'm so ready for this . I was talking with my sister tonight and we are both looking forward to Sisters ' Week . What a beautiful day it was today . The weather was much cooler and the sun was shining . The humidity was low . Just perfect . Here was the sunrise this morning . I It 's easier to get the sunrise when it 's at 6 : 00 a . m . than when it 's 5 : 00 a . m . I don 't know how my brother has managed to get every single sunrise this year . I was able to get two loads of laundry done today and hung it outside to dry . Does anyone still hang their laundry out ? We have not had a clothes dryer for over a year and I , for one , don 't miss it a bit . I love the way the clothes smell when they are hung outside . And I 'm saving a lot of electricity . I did a lot of cleaning also . I 'm really trying to get things under control in this house . It 's hard , though , when I work all day . But I want everything done before I go on vacation next week so I 've really got to move it . Only 8 more days until my vacation . I am SO looking forward to it . It will be so nice to get away . I plan on taking lots of pictures , so be prepared . Posted by Welcome to another Friday . I guess this week seemed short because I was off from work on Monday . But isn 't time just flying by ? I know I say this a lot , but it sure seems that way to me . Maybe I 'm just getting old . We finally got a good rain last night . Our parched ground really needed it . My plants are looking happier and I have hopes that some of them will recover . I did get 4 cherry tomatoes out of the yard the other day and another 4 this morning . Let me tell you , nothing tastes as good as a tomato out of your yard . I have really been enjoying reading everyone 's blogs lately . You guys are so creative ! Such great ideas are coming my way . If only I had time to do everything ! For this week 's Friday view , I will let you see my new little pet . Yes , we still have our groundhog . He doesn 't bother us and we don 't bother him . In fact , the other day when I took this picture he was eating my weeds but not touching my plants . Good little groundhog . The mascot for the Pennsylvania Lottery is a groundhog named Gus , so I 've been calling my little friend Gus too . But I don 't know . Maybe it 's Gusette ? Nine more days to vacation ! Can 't wait . HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE by J . K . Rowling ( 2000 ) About the book : You have in your hands the pivotal fourth novel in the seven - part tale of Harry Potter 's training as a wizard and his coming of age . Harry wants to get away from the pernicious Dursleys and go to the International Quidditch Cup with Hermione , Ron , and the Weasleys . He wants to dream about Cho Chang , his crush ( and maybe do more than dream ) . He wants to find out about the mysterious event that 's supposed to take place at Hogwarts this year , an event involving two other rival schools of magic , and a competition that hasn 't happened for a hundred years . He wants to be a normal , fourteen - year - old wizard . Unfortunately for Harry Potter , he 's not normal - - even by wizarding standards . And in his case , different can be deadly . My thoughts : This is , indeed , the pivotal book of the series . I got really engrossed in it even though I knew the ending . The books get darker and darker . The plot gets thicker and thicker . Characters are introduced and killed off . Such a sad book . And such a good story . Posted by I haven 't written anything in a couple of days because there has been nothing going on . Just work , cook , clean house , do wash , repeat . Anyone else get in a rut ? I guess we all do at one time or another . I 'm sure I 'll get out of it sooner or later . I know that summer is half over because a lot of my shows are having their endings this week - - " Top Model " , " Around the World in 80 Plates " . Where does the tine go ? I was in work looking at the calendar today and thought the same thing . In a couple of weeks it will be August . August ! ! ? ? Tonight we finally got the a / c in our bedroom . It is a big job because the unit is very heavy . Neither Joe nor I can do it on our own . It is now cool in our room . Finally we don 't have to sleep downstairs anymore . While we were putting it in Joe accidentally closed the window on my little finger on my left hand . I don 't know if it is broken or not , but it hurts like crazy ( even hours later ) and is swollen huge . I had a finger brace in the medicine cabinet so put that on . Work tomorrow is going to be fun . I got a call from the doctor today and all my tests came back perfect . So what 's wrong with me ? It is not normal to have skipped heart beats , chest pain , dizziness . Today at work I started to black out and had to sit down real fast . I have one other idea . A friend in church gave me an article that exactly describes what I am feeling . Her husband has it . It 's called PVT and has to do with one of the heart 's valves sticking and is treated with magnesium , potassium and calcium . Wouldn 't that be great if that was the answer ? I have a lot to do today before I go to work . Yeah taking care of a house and working full time really wears me out . But I just have to hang in there for 10 more days and I 'm on vacation . Sweet ! It 's going to be fun so be prepared for lots of pictures . This morning I went for my stress test . I got there early , but couldn 't find a parking space anywhere . After driving around the parking lot three times , I went back across the campus to the Cancer Center and was able to find a parking place there . Under a tree yet . Then I walked through the building to the doctor 's office . I was not alone . There were 8 other people getting the same test . It seems that on Monday that is all they do . One of the ladies there started talking to me and said I looked familiar . She looked familiar too . It turns out that I used to wait on her when I worked at the Tacony Branch of the library . She is a crossing guard . What a very small world . I thought having had a stress test a year and a half ago I knew what to expect . I was wrong . The last time I was in the nuclear medicine department . Now it is done in the doctor 's office . First they put an IV in my left hand . The technician , Bob , wanted the right hand , but I couldn 't because I had breast cancer on the right side and they can 't use that arm / hand . Then a tech named Ryan injected me with a radioactive isotope . I had to wait an hour for it to go through my blood system . During that time I had to drink water and eat something . I had brought a banana , so I ate that . Then Ryan took me in the back to do the first scan . Before I had laid on a bed and the machine moved around me . Now I was on a chair and I moved around the machine . There was another 45 minute wait and then Bob took me to the first room I had been in . He and a physician 's assistant who was there wanted me to walk on the treadmill . But I couldn 't do what they wanted because of the bulging discs in my lumbar . I was supposed to walk quickly ( almost jogging ) for 4 minutes . I told him I could do 1 or 2 minutes ( maybe ) but I couldn 't do it for 4 minutes . So I got the chemical injection while I was sitting in a chair . It was bad . Much worse than the time before even though everyone in the room told me it was a milder drug than what I had been given before . I had what I was told was a normalKathy It has been such a busy day . I just ran from one thing to another all day . It didn 't help that I woke up at 4 : 30 this morning and couldn 't go back to sleep . We went to church this morning . I had a meeting with Pastor Justin about the Harvest America Crusade before the service . There 's only 42 days till the Crusade and so far so good . Things are coming together . I had to run right out after church because I was working overtime this afternoon . When I got home I just had time to grab something to eat and get out the door to get to work on time . Who goes to the library on a beautiful summer Sunday afternoon ? Obviously lots of people because it was very busy . I ran the whole time . When I came home I was so hungry . Joe had gone to the baptism we had at church this afternoon . I couldn 't go because , of course , I was at work . So when I got home I got dinner for myself and then took a short ( 1 / 2 hour ) nap . I then got up and went to evening church to pick up Joe . Right now I am drinking my last cup of lemonade . Then I have to fast until I am done my stress test tomorrow morning . I can 't take my medication either so I know I 'm going to be feeling a little less like myself for awhile . At least half - way through the test they give me a chance to eat and drink . The instructions say to bring a snack and drink with you . I bought a couple of bananas tonight on the way home from church and I will take a bottle of water . That should hold me over until lunch time when I can eat and take the meds . As you can tell I am stressed about the stress test . I remember it well from the last time I had it and hoped I would never have to go through it again . But I have many people praying for me and by this time tomorrow it will be all over . I just have to think this way . I 'll let you know how everything works out . Continuing on with the saga of " what 's wrong with me ? " I had an echo - cardiogram test today . My appointment was for 12 : 30 p . m . but Joe had another seizure so I was running about 5 minutes late . I always make sure he is OK before I leave the house . When I got there the person before me was just leaving . I apologized to the tech for being late and she said it was fine . But I found out that they had called Joe earlier in the week and asked if I could come in an hour earlier instead . Joe , though , had forgotten to tell me so I never got the message . I am going to have to give people my cell phone number because he often forgets things . He can 't help it , that 's just how his epilepsy affects him . The test wasn 't too long . The technician said everything looked good . I said to her that I was glad things were good , but that still left the question of what 's wrong with me . She said the way the doctors work is to get rid of the big things that could be wrong , and then get down to specific details . So I guess that is good . Last night I had just finished writing my blog when I heard a big screech and crash . Then there was the sound of lots of people running outside of the house . Joe was laying on the sofa , so I told him I was going to see what was going on . On the street on the other side of the parking lot a truck had driven sideways across the street and plowed into a parked car . I ran back inside and Joe called 911 . There were lots of people on cell phones outside so I 'm sure he was not the only one calling . An ambulance came quickly . The paramedics talked to the man sitting inside of the truck and opened the door . It was all crushed and they had a hard time opening it . Then they shut it again and the man continued sitting inside . I thought perhaps he was trapped in some way . A man came out of one of the houses across the street opened the crushed car and started taking things out of it . Then a police car came . Two police officers went over to the car , said something to the man , and opened the door . The man got out , the police Kathy Today was an interesting day . It started off with me being SLIGHTLY late for work . It turns out I was the first one there . As I walked in the phone was ringing . I turned off the alarm and answered the phone . It was my boss ' boss looking for him . As I was telling her he was at a meeting all morning the alarm went off again . I had to get her to hold and try to turn it off again . This time it worked . I started to talk to her again and the phone started ringing and ringing . So she hung up . It turned out to be my co - worker Diane who was calling to tell me she was going to be late . Then the guard called in sick . So within the first 10 minutes I was at work I was bombarded on all sides . We opened 2 hours late . I called downtown and got us a substitute guard . And the rest of the day went pretty well . During lunch it was my job to sit at Jerry 's desk and be the librarian . I always enjoy that . It 's what I went to school for originally , but didn 't have enough money to finish the degree . We are in another heat wave . It 's been over 90 degrees for the past several days . We are expecting another 8 days of heat . I just want it to cool off and rain . We need rain so badly . Thinking of that I came up with an idea for my Friday View . This picture is from January 2011 . Maybe it will help us cool down . This is my back yard covered in snow . My caption at the time was " I can 't wait till summer . " We 're never happy are we ? Have a good weekend ! Yesterday afternoon we got a call that the McPherson Square Branch Library needed an LA ( Library Assistant ) for the day . Since Diane and Bob had gone the last three times when someone called for help , I figured it was my turn . First I checked the calendar and made sure we had enough people at Richmond . The McPherson Square Library ( Google image ) My friend Paul is the LA2 at McPherson . I knew I would have a good day if he was there . But then again , I thought , he might be the one that was off and that 's why they needed someone . Fortunately Paul was there . We had a good time catching up since we hadn 't seen each other in quite awhile . The guard , Corey , was there also . He and I get along so well . So even though it was a very busy day , it was an enjoyable day as well . The McPherson Square Library is a beautiful building , both outside and in . It has columns around the circulation desk that hold up a domed ceiling with a beautiful skylight . The interior of the library taken from a Google image . It sits in the middle of a beautiful park . You would think people would want to go there . But it is in a very poor neighborhood with lots of crime . People don 't want to walk through the park because there are a lot of drug addicts that hang out there . The neighbors are making a big effort to clean up the place . I hope they do . Neighborhood children helping to clean the park . The library is in the background . ( Google image ) But as I said it was extremely busy . My back and legs hurt by the end of the day from running around so much . I did 12 library cards for them . Usually I do 5 at most so you can tell how it was . Lots of kids . Lots of people asking me questions I couldn 't answer because I didn 't know where everything was . So I was really tired when I got home . I ended up taking a nap before I made dinner . It was an easy dinner - - pork chops , summer squash with Italian herbs and mashed potatoes . Joe also had a couple of peaches . He said they were good . Another day of work this week and then the busy weekend . So much on my plate this week . Posted by Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world .

by Andrew JoyceJune 23 , 2017 I had just left an Apache Reservation in Arizona after having spent a night there . I was hitching west and had been picked up by a guy named Jimmy . I never did learn his last name . He was a full - blooded Apache and he invited me to crash on his couch . I didn 't get much sleep because we stayed up most of the night and talked … well … he did most of the talking . He told me of the Denéé - The People - as he referred to the Apache . I learned of their history , their medicine , or religion , as we would call it . I even did some peyote with him and spoke with God . But that 's another story . Today , I want to tell you about Hank . Jimmy was still asleep when I left . I didn 't have it in me to wake him and ask for a ride back to the highway . The sun was just over the horizon , it was still cool out even though it was the desert and it was summertime . I had been brought onto the reservation in the back of a pickup truck and had not followed our progress as we drove the back road onto the reservation ; after all , I was facing backwards , looking at where we 'd been , not where we were going . As I started my walk , I saw the mountain I had been looking at as we drove onto the Apache homeland . It seemed as though it had taken us about half an hour to get from Highway 90 to Jimmy 's house . So , I reckoned that if I just kept the mountain in front of me and walked in a relatively straight line , it would not take me more than a few hours to make my way back to the highway . Boy , was I mistaken . I started my trek across the desert full of vim and vigor . After all , I was nineteen years old ; I was immortal , as are all young people . Of course , I had no water with me ; ha … who needs water ! Well , as it turned out , I needed water , and I needed a lot more than just water . I needed a sense of distance , and maybe even a sense of direction . Allow me to explain . I set out at sunrise , headed towards a particular mountain , and after four hours treading the desert floor , that damn mountain seemed no closer than when I started . I had no watch with me , so I did not know the exact time , but judging by the sun , it must have been mid - morning - about ten o ' clock - when I realized I had made a colossal mistake . When I first set out , I thought the walk to the highway would take two , maybe three hours at the most . But here I was four hours later with not a car - hell , with not even another human being - in sight . I was not even smart enough to follow the winding road we came in on . No , I had to play it cool , thinking I could shave off some time by cutting across the desert and walking in a straight line . Well , once I left the road , I never found it again . I pressed on , keeping the mountain in my sights . Now , I 'll tell you folks something I didn 't know at the time . A mountain is a pretty big item . I was heading south , so I could wander a few miles either east or west and still have the same perspective of my destination , the mountain . And without a compass that is just what I did . I was zig - zagging all over the place , but I thought I was walking in a straight line . By noon , or when the sun was directly overhead , the desert had started to heat up . And so did I . At that point , I would have killed for a glass of cool water . Maybe even with some ice in it . Those were my thoughts as I walked towards that goddamn mountain that kept retreating from me . So as not to bore you all to tears , I will not tell you about that afternoon . Suffice it to say the afternoon consisted of walking and thoughts of water . The sun was on a slow descent to the other side of the world , and I had been walking for about ten hours when I saw it . There up ahead , unless it was a mirage , was a shack . I thanked God I saw it when I did . Complete darkness was less than an hour away , and I might have walked right past it in the night . I was too tired to run , but I did pick up my pace a bit . When I got to within twenty yards of the place I saw my salvation - an old fashioned water pump , long handle and all . I ran right to the pump and without asking anyone 's permission , pumped that handle up and down like there was no tomorrow . And from my point of view , if I didn 't get some water in me , there would be no tomorrow , at least not for me . For all my effort , only a few dust swirls and a few grains of sand emanated from the spout . Then I remembered something , a pump has to be primed , and you need water to prime a pump . It 's kind of like - you need money to make money , and I needed water to get water . A catch - 22 . Now that I was not going to have my fondest wish granted - a few measly drops of water - I turned my attention to the shack . I could tell right away that the place was abandoned ; the fauna , or sagebrush , or whatever the hell grows in a desert , was three feet tall and blocking the door . The shack was about thirty feet wide , and after circumnavigating it , I discerned it was also thirty feet deep . There were no windows , so my ingress would have to be through the door . As the night was fast approaching , I returned from my excursion of circling the shack and proceeded to the door , expecting to do battle with it to affect entry . However , to my everlasting surprise , the door flew open upon my touch . How inviting . With no windows , the only light entering said shack came from behind me and from the spaces between the boards that made up the walls of the shack . They were more like the walls of an old barn ; there was about an eighth of an inch of open space between most of the boards . Some did join together , but they were of the minority . The wood was warped and old . This place has been here for a while . The gloom within the shack made it hard to see what , if anything , was inside . As my eyes adjusted to the low light , I saw a table in the middle of the room . I started for it , and then saw a single chair about five feet to the right . I had not noticed it sooner because it was in the shadows . The only light , as I 've said , came mostly from the door . And that light was only as wide as the door , about three feet . It did not reach the corners or the far side of the room . Upon the back of the chair were draped some clothes . For the time being , the chair and its accouterments held no interest for me . My attention was focused on the table . For upon the table stood a clear bottle about twelve inches high with a candle stuck into its mouth . It looked almost new , only an inch of its ten - inch length had been used . Maybe I would not have to spend the night in darkness after all . I did not ( and still do not ) smoke . But I always carried a book of matches with me . One never knew when one might want to start a small fire and heat up a can of beans or a can of soup to get one through the night . I went right for the candle , pulled out my trusty matches , and lit it . The light it gave off did not reach very far , maybe a couple feet past the table 's edge . By the way , the table was only about four foot square , and there was nothing else on it but the candle in the clear bottle . Once I had a little light , I figured I could relax . I was still dying of thirst , but there was nothing I could do about that . I was thankful that the sun had retreated , giving me a respite from the heat for a few hours . I pulled the chair over to the table and sat down . As I leaned back , I felt something bulky and hard . I stood and removed the clothing , which consisted of a " duster , " and two flannel shirts . You folks know what a duster is , don 't you ? I am sure most of you have seen them in Westerns . But for those who are unfamiliar with the term , I will describe one . They were white , made of cotton , and looked something like a modern - day raincoat , except they were full length , falling to almost the ankle . And as the name implies , they were worn over one 's regular attire to keep the dust from soiling one 's clothes . However , it was not the duster that caught my attention ; it was the old - time six - shooter , lying in its holster , which hung from the back of the chair . Cool . Then I saw what was also hanging on the back of the chair , a canteen . I placed the candle on the table and with fear and trepidation , the fear and trepidation coming from the fact that the bloody thing might be empty , I lifted the strap attached to the canteen . I could tell by the weight that it was full . But even if there was water , chances of it being any good after sitting there in the desert for God knows how long were not good . After returning the duster and shirts to where I had found them , I pulled the chair up to the table , sat down , and turned my attention once again to the canteen . I quickly pulled the cork from the opening and sniffed the contents . It didn 't smell bad , so I dribbled a few drops onto my tongue . It didn 't taste great , but I was thirsty enough to chance being sick , because at that point I was very dehydrated and would die in the desert the next day if I didn 't get some moisture in me . Just as I was tilting my head back and raising the canteen to my mouth , a thought struck me . I did not have to chance anything . I could use half of the canteen 's contents to prime the pump , and if the well was dry , I would still have the other half for tonight and tomorrow . One way or the other , I was going to drink water that night even if it killed me . At least I would not die with my tongue hanging out , swollen from thirst . I grabbed the candle , for it had gotten dark by then , and went out to the pump . I 'm a city boy , there was only one other time I have had the pleasure of meeting a hand pump that pumped water up from a well . On that occasion , the pump needed priming and I watched my associate as he repeatedly primed and pumped , primed and pumped . So I felt pretty confident I wouldn 't screw things up by putting the water in the wrong place , like the spout , which is probably what I would have done if not for my previous experience with a pump . I placed the candle on the ground so I could uncork the canteen ; the candle gave just enough light so I could see what I was doing . With one hand , I poured water into the pump , and with the other , I took hold of the long handle at its end and started to pump . Up and down , faster and faster . The water seemed to be going in at an alarming rate , but I still poured and pumped . I had gone through more than half of that precious liquid and was about to halt my endeavor when the first few drops came out of the spout . And with every downward motion of the handle , more water came pouring out onto the ground until it was a raging torrent … a small raging torrent granted , but I had no complaints . Then I could stand it no longer . I put my head under the spout , face up and mouth open , as I continued to pump . I have never tasted water so sweet in my entire life . And that would include any bottled water you may wish to proffer . After I had drunk my fill , I poured the contents of the canteen onto the ground and pumped a small quantity of water into it . I sloshed it around for a moment and emptied that also onto the ground . Then I filled the canteen , recorked it , and went back into the shack . Now that the water situation was taken care of , I could have gone for a light dinner , but hey … ya cain 't have everything . When I got back into the shack , I closed the door . As I 've said , I 'm a city boy . I didn 't want any desert critters coming in during the night , looking to start up a friendship with Yours Truly . In all likelihood , if any of the denizens of the desert did enter during the night , it would have been for the warmth of my body rather than my friendship . I allude to Crotalus Oreganu , better known as the western rattlesnake . I 've heard that they like to snuggle up with human beings at night for our body heat . So the door would remain closed until morning . I saw nothing in the first three corners . But in the fourth , leaning against the wall , was a shovel and pickaxe , and on the floor lay a saddle and reins . There were no Crotalus Oreganu present , thank God , but there was a presence of another kind . Of course , I am speaking of Hank . A bed stood against the back wall . I had not noticed it earlier because of my preoccupation with the canteen and the darkness of the room vis - à - vis the limited light of the candle . Upon the bed lay Hank . Now Hank wasn 't the most talkative hombre I 've ever had the pleasure to meet . But that might have been because he was dead . Holding the candle over the bed , I saw a human skeleton completely intact , probably because it was a bit mummified . The dry desert air will do that to a corpse . The skin was drawn tight and shrunken . For some reason , the eyeballs were missing . The skull was still attached to the neck . The hair of the cadaver was jet black and full . If the hair had been all that I could see , I 'd have sworn it belonged to a young man who was still among the living . The eye sockets , as I 've said , were empty and dark . The missing eyeballs were a mystery I was in no hurry to solve . Years later when I mentioned it to someone , I was told that insects had probably eaten them . Starting from the top and working down , he had a red bandana tied around his neck , and a faded cotton shirt ( because of the light I could not tell what the original color was ) . He had on a pair of Levi 's , held up - well , not at the moment , but in life - by a belt with a square buckle that looked to be tarnished silver , with the name " Hank " engraved onto it . And on the belt was a knife in a sheath . His feet were covered by beige - colored socks . It seems his boots were off when he died . I don 't know if it 's more advantageous to die with your boots on or off , I 'll leave that up to the individual . I then moved the candle a little lower still , and perceived on the wooden floor , next to the bed , a pair of scuffed boots , black in color , one lying on its side . Oh yeah … I forgot to tell you . Everything - Hank , the table , the floor , the bed … I mean everything - in that shack was covered with a thick layer of dust . I sat at the table , purposely not looking over to where Hank lay in repose . I was staring at the table , the top of it to be precise , when I noticed what looked like a small depression on the edge closest to me . It looked like someone had carved something into the wood . I took a deep breath and blew the dust from that area . It allowed me to read clearly what had been carved . The message was a simple one : " Hank Wiley 1889 . " I reckon ol ' Hank had been hangin ' out here waiting for me , or someone like me , to come along for eighty years . The year was 1969 . However , more surprising than finding Hank , and almost as spiritually uplifting as getting the pump to work , was what I was about to stumble upon next . When I first saw the shack , I was so tired from the day 's march that I envisioned being asleep almost before the sun went down . However , " The best laid plans … " Finding the canteen and then finding Hank kinda got my juices flowing if ya know what I mean . So here I am , sittin ' in a one - room , thirty - by - thirty - foot , broken - down shack in the middle of the Arizona desert with an eighty - year old skeleton and I 'm wide - awake with nothing to do . So , like any good ex - Boy Scout , I went exploring . I took the candle and retraced my steps back to the bed and Hank . I knelt down next to the bed and placed the candle so the bottle that held it rested against Hank 's neck and chin . I first felt the two pockets of his shirt . Nothing . I rummaged in the left front pocket of his jeans , then the right . Nothing . I picked up the candle from its resting place and placed it on the floor . I wanted to check his back pockets . I put a hand on his shoulder and a hand on his hip , and I turned Hank onto his side . It was easy , I could have done it one handed he was so light . I held him in that position while I felt in the Levi 's rear pockets . The left pocket held nothing , but in the right , I felt something that might have been a wallet . I extracted it and lowered Hank back onto the bed . As I did so , his head became detached from the rest of his body and rolled onto its side , facing me . Those empty eye sockets seemed to say , " Why have you defiled me ? " I picked up the candle and returned to the table . It was not a wallet , but a piece of leather cut into a rectangle , about eight inches long and folded in half . Lying between the folds were an envelope , a piece of folded paper , and an old , faded photograph . It showed who I believed to be Hank ( the man had the same thick , black mane ) and a woman with hair as light as Hank 's was dark , standing at the tailgate of a wagon . And on the wagon was a banner of sorts . Because Hank and the woman were standing in front of it , there were only eight letters visible , two to the right of Hank ( " JU " ) and six to the left of the woman ( " ARRIED " ) . The banner obviously read " JUST MARRIED . " I looked at the picture for a long time . I thought of the unnamed woman and wondered whatever had become of her . She was quite pretty , and now as I write these words and I see once again that picture in my mind , I recall they were also very young , although , at the time , that did not enter into my thinking . Being nineteen and believing myself fully grown , I considered anyone else my age to also be an adult . But as I think of that picture today , at the tender age of sixty - seven , I know they were just kids ; they couldn 't have been more than nineteen themselves . I next removed the letter from its envelope . It had a return address of Boston , Massachusetts , and it was addressed to Mr . Henry Wiley c / o Forrester 's Hotel , Tucson , Arizona . Surprisingly , the paper was not brittle ; it was old and brown , but did not fall apart in my hands . The handwriting was feminine and it was addressed to " My dearest husband . " I did not read the letter just then . I put it to one side and opened the piece of folded paper . It also was a letter , but written in a different hand . This handwriting was masculine , and it started with " Dearest Andy . " Before I go on , I would like to digress , or jump ahead , whichever term is proper . All this happened forty - eight years ago , and for forty - eight years I 've held on to those two letters , never knowing the reason why . Through many incarnations - business man , criminal , fugitive , junkie , and now writer - I have kept these letters . While my mother was alive , they were kept safely at her home , and then in a bank safety deposit box . They sit before me as I write these words and I now know the reason I 've kept them all these years . It was so that one day I might share them with you . I will present them in the order they were written . The first one is dated 9 July 1888 , and it is from an Andrea Wiley to her dearest husband Hank Wiley . Without comment , this is the text of the letter . Do you know it has been twenty months since you went away ? I write you every week . Some of my letters are returned with the notation that you are not known at that locale . I pray that this letter gets to you , my love . This November will mark the second year of your absence . I miss you so very much . I am fine . I am making dresses for the ladies of society . My work is very well thought of , and I am kept quite busy . I do miss Kansas , but you were right , it is better that I stay with my mother while you are gone . Mother sends her love . Henry , I know we discussed this before you left , however , can you not come home now ? Yes , our farm in Kansas was doing poorly , and we both worked very hard . But you never heard me complain because I had no complaints . I loved you , and I loved our farm . I know you wanted things better for me . You did not want me to work so hard , you wanted to buy me fancy clothes and nice things . Henry , I never wanted any of that , I only wanted you . And by going away you have taken away the only thing I truly desired . Will you please come home ? There is a reason I ask this of you now . I know how stubborn you can be . Until you find your fortune in gold you will stay away . You will think that you have failed me . Henry , the only time you have failed me is when you went away . I have not wanted you to worry so I have refrained from telling you this before , but Henry , you have a son . He was born eight months after you left . His name is Henry Addison Wiley , Jr . and he looks just like you . His eyes are the same , and so is his smile . However , his hair is fair like mine . He needs a father . All the riches in all the world cannot take your place . Henry , you are not a failure , not with a son like Henry Jr . Please come home . I am starting to drop tears onto the paper and they will make the ink run . So I will close for now . Henry , know that I love you with all my heart and that I need you with me ; you are my treasure , you are my riches . Henry Jr . and I need you , please come home . I have just received your letter . I see by the date that you wrote it seven months ago . I don 't get down here that often , but my friend who works in the hotel kept the letter for me . The reason some of your letters have come back is if the owner of the hotel sees them before my friend , he sends them back . He and I do not get along . So I have a boy ? I cannot wait to see him and you too . I will be coming home shortly . I stumbled upon an abandoned shack and decided to use it as my headquarters . And what do you know , not two miles to the west I found my fortune . It is in a small outcropping of rock . It comes out of the ground and gradually slants upwards to about the height of three feet . The rock is about four feet thick , and right in the middle of it , running the whole length of the outcrop is a vein of pure gold nine inches thick . I shoveled the dirt away from where she comes out of the ground and the vein continues . It could go on for miles . But I have no plans to find out . I too miss you . I broke my pickaxe trying to break the rock away . I came down to Tucson to buy another one and to buy some chisels and a sledgehammer . If I had not found what I was desperately searching for these last two years , I would be leaving for home today . I just need to go back for one or two weeks . I am not greedy . I will only mine as much as I can carry on my horse . With it we can go back to Kansas and buy us a really good farm and hire us some help . You will not have to work so hard . I will mail this when I come back to Tucson so you will know that I am om my way . I want to write more , but will do so at night in the shack . Until then , kiss Henry Jr . for me . Hello , I am back in the shack . I have been here ten days and have all the gold I can carry . Tomorrow I start for Tucson , then for home . I cannot wait to see you and Henry Jr . As you know I am not much of a letter writer , so I 'll save my words until I see you . There was more to Hank 's letter , but it was written in a different hand , a hand that seemed to shake as it wrote . It is hard to read , but after all these years , I know what it says . The script is in one continuous sentence without punctuation . For ease of reading , I have added the correct punctuation and separated the words into sentences and the sentences into paragraphs . Here are the last words of Henry Addison Wiley , Sr . Wouldn 't you know it ? The night before leaving for home and you , I have to go and get myself bit by a rattlesnake . I lanced the punctures and sucked out the venom , but I don 't think it was enough , or I wasn 't fast enough . I am feeling light headed . I was getting packed up so I could get an early start in the morning , and I reached under the bed to pull out the box I keep the gold in , and a rattler bit me . I made short work of him with the shovel . But that doesn 't help me . I was going to transfer the gold from the box to canvas bags for the trip to Tucson . I don 't think I have much time so I better get down to what I want to say . You were right , Andy ; we were rich back in Kansas . I am so sorry I did not know it at the time . I guess staring Death in the face changes a man 's way of looking at things . I know of your love of animals . Before I got too weak I took the saddle and reins off my horse and set her free . You taught me of the dignity of animals . You were my shining light . I must have been crazy to have ever left you , now I will never know my son , and he will never know his father . Tell him of his father 's folly so he will know what is important in this life . Tell him that is something his father learned far too late . I have botched things up good . I write these words in the hope that someday someone will find them and forward them on to you . I want you to know that my last thoughts were of you . In the end , I have failed you … I am so sorry . Not for me , but for leaving you and Henry Jr . to the mercy of this world while I am in another . If possible , I will look after you from my new world as I have never looked after you in this one . All my love … After reading the two letters , I sat in the chair and just watched the candle burn . My thoughts were of Andrea and Hank , of their life on the farm in Kansas . I thought of Hank Jr . and wondered what kind of man he grew up to be . I think … no , I am pretty damn sure that reading those two letters is the reason I have had a life - long aversion to acquiring material wealth . By now it was getting light out , but I kept the candle burning because I wanted to see something . I went over to the bed and knelt down . I used the candle to see if there were any snakes under the bed . When I didn 't see any , I grabbed the box that was under there by one hand and pulled . It did not move . I put the candle down , and using both hands , I dragged the box from under the bed . It was very heavy . When I slid it far enough out so I could see the contents , I lifted the candle and held it over the box . What I saw were two canvas bags lying on top of something . With my right hand , I removed the bags to expose rocks that reflected the light of the candle as a prism would . The light bounced off those rocks and reflected on the wall like one of those disco ball things that hang over dance floors in night clubs . The rocks , of course , were pure gold . I call them rocks because that is what they were . They were not puny , little nuggets of gold ; no , they were substantial rocks of gold . I looked on in amazement for a few minutes before replacing the canvas bags and sliding the box back under the bed . I can see how some can easily come down with gold fever . I must admit , for one half a second , I too had the fever . But the memory of what I had just read was all I needed to cure me . I got up off my knees and walked over to the table . I folded the two letters , putting Andrea 's back in its envelope . I put them both in the back pocket of my jeans . Leaving the piece of leather on the table , I picked up the picture of Hank and Andrea . I walked over and unclasped Hank 's hands , now I had no qualms about touching him . I placed the picture between his hands and laid his hands back on his belly . Then I gently put his head back into the position it was when I found him . I stood over him for a moment or two before saying out loud : " Hank old buddy , if you don 't mind , I 'm goin ' borrow your canteen . I am sorry for disturbing you last night , but you and your lovely wife have been very good company . The rocks that you gave up so much for are where you left them . I have no need for them any more than you have . I know Andrea and your son are with you now , and I am glad for all of you . Thank you for your hospitality , and I 'll be seein ' you someday up yonder . " I left the shack , closing the door behind me . Three hours later , I could hear the highway 's whine . An hour after that , I was standing on the side of US Highway 90 , hitchin ' my way to California . They have me now . I was stupid enough to get caught after that gas station robbery . What 's the big fucking deal ? We got only forty bucks . The cops came a - shootin ' . My man Daryl took a bullet to the head . Under the law , I was charged with murder in the second degree because someone died in the commission of a felony . How do you like that shit ? The cops didn 't have to shoot . We were not armed … we carried toy guns . Of course , I was convicted . It was an all - white jury . What else can a black man expect in America ? Now I 'm looking at twenty years to life . I sit in my cell and think of my girl . Her skin is chestnut brown in color . It 's the softest thing I 've ever known … next to the love she has given me . Her smile used to send me to heaven . But I can 't see her smile no more . Her name is Gloria . She was my life . Now my life is trying not to get shivved in the food line . She has written me , asking to visit . I will not allow it ! I do not want her to see me in a cage . I wrote her back and told her to forget me . Get herself a man as unlike me as possible . It really don 't matter no more . I will not live my life in a cage . Big Dog runs us blacks in this place . He is big , I 'll give him that . We are in the yard … the whites are on the far side … the spics opposite . And us niggers have the middle ground . I rush at Big Dog looking like I 'm holding a shiv . I 'm not . One of his lieutenants cuts me down before I can get close . by Andrew JoyceApril 17 , 2017April 17 , 2017 We sit upon your couch . Your head rests on my chest . I hold you to me . Your legs are drawn up under you and your left arm lies across my belly . The top of your head is just below my chin . You have just gotten out of the bath . I love the smell of your body mixed with the aroma of the soap . You burrow deeper into me . I , in turn , pull you closer . We cannot get close enough to one another . Twilight has descended . We sit in the semi darkness with only thoughts of each other going through our heads . There is no television , no radio ; there is nothing to distract our thoughts . We do not speak … we have no need of words . by Andrew JoyceMarch 26 , 2017March 26 , 2017 What I 'm posting today is an email that I sent to two of my friends about seven years ago . It was just an email , but it read like a short story . That spurred me on to do some more writing and before I knew it , here I am asking you to read about my misspent youth ( again ) . By the way , every word is true ( unfortunately ) . And please forgive my syntax , tense mistakes , and all the rest . It was my first effort and I 'm too indolent to go in and change anything . First , a little background : You guys remember my old office and the kind of neighborhood in which it was located . Well , I decided to relocate to a little bit better area . So we moved a mile or two east on 79th street . But we were east of Biscayne Boulevard and that made all the difference in the world . Or so I thought at the time . Our new offices were in a strip shopping center . You know , about ten stores set up for retail businesses . However , this place was a little different ; it had offices at each end to act as anchors . Our set up was two stories and had large , mirrored windows you could see out , but not in . They were massive , about twenty feet high and ran across the entire front . They come into the story later . In this layout was a " dance studio " two doors down from me . It was owned by a beautiful Jamaican lady . There was not one wrong thing about her . Long hair , glowing brown skin , and curves most women would kill for at that age … she was twenty - five . Her name was Maryanne . And to top it off , she drove a brand new black Corvette . Maryanne got my attention . I don 't remember how our relationship got started , but before long , I found myself going over there to hang out in the afternoons , if she had no customers . I must digress for a moment to disabuse you of the idea that this may have been a dance studio in any way , shape , or form . The only person who danced in that dance studio was Maryanne or one of the girls who worked for her . The customers , who were all male , sat in beanbag chairs and observed the girls dancing to music supplied by a boom box ( at least that 's where I remember the music coming from ) . As to what these men did while a girl was dancing , I 'll leave to your vivid imaginations , but the girls were never touched . There 's one other thing you need to know . Maryanne and I were not in love , it was pure sex . One weekend , we drove her car to Key West , and the first night there , at a bar , I saw a girl I was very interested in . So I suggested to Maryanne that she should see what she could dig up for herself , which she happily set about doing . I went home with the local talent and spent the night with her . The next morning , Maryanne and I met up and continued our weekend , no questions asked . That was the type of relationship we had . I tell you this because it is pertinent to the story . Now the fun begins . It 's Friday afternoon , just before Mt . St . Helens and Liberty City blow up . I 'm on my houseboat doing a little housework . ( In those days I still did things of that sort . ) Maryanne jumps on board - unannounced I might add - with her sheets flapping in the wind . ( Sailor talk for very drunk . ) She wasn 't too bad , but you know what Quaaludes were like . She wants to have sex " Right now ! " You guys , because you know me , might not believe this , but I said no . Probably the first and only time in my life I 've done anything of that sort . I expected her to take it like a man , turn around , and walk out . But , boy was I wrong ! She said , and I quote , " When I tell a man to fuck me , he better well do it , and fast ! " If she had given me a few sniffles instead , you guys wouldn 't be reading this sordid tale . But no , she gets butch and throws a left hook , which connects and pisses me off . She was a petite little thing , so I wrapped my arms around her , picked her up , and carried her to the dock where she was gently deposited and told to be a good little girl and go home . As far as I was concerned , that was the end of it . But remember it 's only Friday afternoon and this drama didn 't have the National Guard throwing me to the ground and pressing five shotguns into the flesh of my back , with one resting on my head , telling me if I moved one muscle I 'd have my " fuckin ' head blown off " until Sunday morning . Dear , dear Maryanne made it a most interesting weekend . I preferred our Key West get - a - way much better . But I 'm getting ahead of myself . After she struts down the dock in an angry huff , I turn my attention to more serious matters - that evening 's debauchery . A few docks over lived a guy that reminded me of you , Rick . He had been in a serious motorcycle accident and had just got out of his body cast . His boat hosted a never - ending party that included the fabled Dancing Girls . Never had I seen such depravity , and I was right in the middle of it most nights . No … I cannot lie to you guys . I was in the middle of it every night . What happened on that boat is a story for another time . But going over there that night saved my life . By the way , Rick , it was the body cast and not the depravity that reminded me of you . As I 'm walking home the next morning from that boat of ill repute , a neighbor informs me that there were two guys hiding in some bushes the night before waiting for me to pass by . Some people in the marina noticed them after a while and called the police . They had guns and one of them shouted that he was going to kill that son - of a - bitch ( me ) for insulting his wife . Maryanne , as it turned out , was married . Who knew ? I learned later that she had gone home to her husband and gave him an edited version of what had happened , leaving out her wanting to go to bed part . I also learned that her husband 's original plan was to walk right to my houseboat , knock on the door , and shoot me point blank as I answered said door . That is why they were hiding in the shrubbery , and why I am still here to tell this tale of woe . I was not at home when he knocked on my door - I was two docks over enjoying the hospitality of my dear crippled and crazy friend . So now I do the stupidest thing I 've ever done in my life . I go to my debauched friend and tell him the story . He wants in on the fun , but he can only hobble around , so he offers me one of his many guns for self - protection . Being the genius that I am , I take a 9mm automatic . All of a sudden , I 'm Dirty Harry and Charles Bronson . It 's now Saturday , and that night I go night - clubbing with the 9mm in my back pocket , ready for action ( what an A - Hole ! ) . Well , I 'm not attacked and make it home unscathed . About the time I got home , Mt . St . Helens was blowing her top , Liberty City was just getting a good burn going , and Maryanne was setting events in motion whose end result would culminate with me in the Dade County jail . I get a few hours sleep and I am just getting up when my brother Mike bursts in and says , " What 's with your crazy girlfriend ? " He goes on to tell me he had gone to the office that Sunday morn to get a little work out of the way . But as he exited his car , two guys assaulted him , hitting him over the head with the butt of a rifle , breaking the stock . The only thing that saved him was Maryanne yelling , " That 's not him , that 's not him ! " He goes on to tell me that every window in our place has been smashed . You 've heard the expression " He saw red , " well , I really did see red . It must have been the stress of the last couple of days , coupled with what happened to Mike ( and my windows ) . I reach for the gun as I 'm telling Mike to come with me . We get into my car and off I go on a mission of vengeance and in a cloud of self - righteousness . We were there in less than five minutes and I slide my car sideways as though I 'm Magnum PI . My plan is to use it as a shield . As the car comes to a rest , I pop out ; draw the gun and start shooting straight into Maryanne 's studio ( the bullet holes are still in the aluminum framing of the door to this day ) . Well , ol ' Dirty Harry gets off two shots when my " friends " stick their heads out to see what 's going on . I take carful aim for the first guy , putting my thumb over the top of the gun . Up to that point , I had been firing one - handed . But now , I 'm holding the gun with two hands like I see them do in the movies . I take careful aim at the motherfucker , pull the trigger , and almost severed my thumb ( still got the scar ) , and the gun jams . No one told me automatics slide back with every shot . By the way , after my first shot , Mike said , " Are you nuts ! " and walked ( or ran ) away . I was too busy to notice his means of staying out of jail that day . So there I am . My thumb is dangling by a piece of bone , my gun won 't shoot anymore , and my targets are coming out with guns drawn . So what 's a hero to do in such a situation but run . I go around to the back of the building - there 's a house there - and I start knocking on the door screaming that they are going to kill me and please let me in . Amazingly , I 'm let in . Two minutes later , the National Guard and about fifty local cops show up and drag me from the house . The riots are only blocks away , so I guess it wasn 't any bother on their part to run down the street and apprehend another crazy . Especially one that is armed and dangerous ! Jail was interesting . I was the only white guy in there that day . They had arrested so many people because of the riot , we had twenty guys in a holding cell made for two or three at the most . And did I mention I was the only white guy ? My fellow cellmates , at first , paid me no heed . They were too busy recounting to one another the exploits that landed them in our merry little conclave . But after about twenty minutes , things quieted down and one by one they turned their faces to me - Whitey . And believe me , there was no love lost in even one of those faces . Presently , one young fellow spoke up and asked what I was in for . I looked at him , took a moment to answer to make sure I had everyone 's attention , and then said , " I just killed two people . " With that , they , as one living organism , shuffled away from me and I heard a voice in the back say : " I 'll take my TV rap " ( he was in for looting ) . The rest of my cell mates wholeheartedly concurred . After that exchange , I was left to my own devices . Ten hours later , I was allowed my phone call . I called a customer of mine , a bail bondsman . He told me I was getting him out of the sack with the sweetest little thing , but he came . Remember the streets were closed and there was a curfew . But somehow he got there and got me sprung . I then called good old Henry , who also got through the police lines - somehow . The final outcome was this . The charges were pretty serious , so I took no chances and hired Roy Black ( the guy who defended William Smith , the Kennedy who was charged with rape in Palm Beach , but this was years before that ) . I gave Roy $ 5000 . 00 cash ( this was before money - laundering laws ) for a retainer . After the preliminary when we knew which way the wind was blowing , we would then discuss his fee . So we went to court to ascertain my fate . When they called my case , the complainant 's name was called : Maryanne Jones . The judge looks up and says , " Is this the same Maryanne Jones that is in here every other week ? " His clerk says it is indeed . To which the entire courtroom breaks out in laughter . It seems she was rather well known in judicial circles . Even the judge cracked a smile as he said , " Case dismissed . " That was $ 5000 . 00 well spent ! If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you by Andrew JoyceMarch 23 , 2017March 23 , 2017 I once had a girl . She was from Norway , but we met in New York City at a jazz club on the West Side . My friend Lane had dragged me there ; he told me that the sax player would really send me . ( I know , that is 60s lingo ) . I didn 't want to go because I was broke and I was embarrassed that Lane always picked up the check when we were out . But he persisted in asking , so I went with him that warm August night . It was a night that changed my life forever . Lane and I were from upstate New York , we had been friends in high school . We were both going to be writers and write the Great American Novel . And here we were , Lane wrote copy for an ad agency and I wrote short stories that no one would buy . I was twenty years old , and had just dropped out of college . I wanted to be a writer and I did not think college was the way to go about it . I thought the only way to be a writer was to write . So I headed for the big city , found myself a roach - infested apartment and opened my laptop . I got lucky and sold my first short story to a weekly newspaper . It was a free paper , but they did print fiction . They paid me all of twenty - five dollars for it . After that , I figured it would be only a matter of time before I had The New Yorker knocking at my door wanting me to write my genius fiction for them , and if not the New Yorker , then at least the Village Voice . Well , things did not work out that way . Six months later , I had not sold another story . The newspaper that had bought my first story was long out of business as I contemplated my future . I was nearing the end of my savings and something would have to break soon or I would have to get a job . Something did break and her name was Karina . Unbeknownst to me , Lane and his girlfriend , whose name was Sally , set me up with a blind date . When we got to the club , I saw Sally sitting at a table with a blonde girl . I immediately grabbed Lane 's arm and halted his progress toward the table . " What 's the deal ? " I asked in a low voice . Then I added , " If Sally is trying to set me up again , I 'm leaving . You know I don 't have any money to date . " With a phony and shocked look on his face , Lane said , " No , no , it 's nothing like that . It 's just that the poor girl is in town and doesn 't know anyone . Sally 's mother and her mother were friends . Sally 's looking out after her , that 's all . Don 't worry ; she 's not your date . And she 's got plenty of money ; she can pay her own way . " We seated ourselves at the table and I was introduced to the blonde . Sally started right off yakking away , but I heard nothing she said . I was looking into the eyes of the blonde . They were green , the color of emeralds - they were sad eyes . She was good - looking in a not glamorous sort of way . There was something about her . Something that made me want to put my arms around her and tell her everything would all right . That night I fell in love , head over heels . To me , she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen . But it wasn 't her looks that got me . It was her soul . She looked vulnerable and she had those sad eyes . I know that 's a cliché , but that is what it was , plain and simple . I was hooked . Her name was Karina . We talked and ignored both the music , and Lane and Sally . When Sally saw where things were going , she nudged Lane and said they had to go , but that we should stay . As they left , out of the corner of my eye , I saw Lane hand some money to our waitress and point our way . He had made sure that I wouldn 't be embarrassed for lack of funds . We settled in at a Starbucks and talked until the early morning . Her parents were both dead and had left her relatively well off . She was in the States because she owned a cabin in North Carolina , up in the mountains , and she had come here to sell it . At twenty - two , she was two years older than I was . But that was okay with me ; I liked older women . I prattled on about my writing and she said that she would like to read some of my stuff someday . Someday ? I wanted her to read my stories right then and there . But I held my tongue . We said goodnight in the lobby of her hotel . She looked at me with those big sad eyes . " Please , may I see you tomorrow and read some of your stories ? " Now normally , I would let anyone read my stuff at the drop of a hat , even if I had to drop the hat myself . But in this instance , I was reluctant to say yes . I didn 't want her to see how I lived . I mean , she was staying at the Plaza , for God 's sake ! After a momentary hesitation , I told her I could bring my laptop over the next day and that I would be proud to have her read a few of my stories . We set a time and I left . We shook hands - we did not kiss goodnight . Well , the short of it is , she was as smitten with me as I was with her . Why I don 't know . She postponed her trip south and stayed in the city . We saw each other every day . Sally must have told her about my financial situation , because Karina always insisted we go someplace that cost no money . We hit the art galleries and the museums , among other venues . Central Park was our favorite . As we walked through the park , the sunshine would ripple in her yellow hair like waves upon a sparkling ocean . At the end of two weeks , we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together . Karina liked my writing and told me I should be writing a full - length novel . Then , when that sold , I could put out a book of my short stories . No wonder that I loved her , she believed in me , more so than I believed in myself . One day , a Sunday , as we lay on a blanket in the park holding hands ( we still had not made love ) , Karina asserted herself . She told me in no uncertain terms that she was taking me to her cabin In North Carolina . She would cook and clean for me while I wrote my novel , and then when it sold , I could take care of her . I told her that I would have to think on it . She stood and took my hand . I raised myself from the ground , and forgetting the blanket , we went back to the Plaza . We made long , slow love all that afternoon . And then again that night . We hit the mountains of North Carolina as the leaves were changing . It was the perfect metaphor . Our lives were changing ; we were melding into one entity . As the snows came , I wrote and Karina loved me . I didn 't want to write . I wanted to make love to my girl , but she made sure I stayed at the computer at least six hours a day . The rest of the time I devoted to loving her . As the snows melted and the leaves slowly returned to the trees , my book took form . Karina would read what I had written each day . She would correct my mistakes and give me input as to the characters and the plot . As I sat there in the evenings , seeing the firelight reflected in her eyes while she read my daily output , I fell in love with her all over again . When spring was in full bloom , the book also bloomed . I had completed my version of the Great American Novel . I emailed my query letters to agents . Within a month , I had a signed contract . When summer came around , the book had been sold to a publisher and I had money in the bank . Now I could take care of my Karina . But it was not to be . It was August once again , almost to the day that Karina and I first met . We were leaving the next day for New York . My agent had set up a meeting with my new editor . There was still work to be done . Writing the story is one thing , getting it out there is another . However , before leaving I wanted to buy something for my love . I went into town and bought Karina a ring . Nothing fancy , it was a simple band of gold . I was going to ask her to be my wife . I couldn 't wait to get back to the cabin , get down on one knee , and tell her of my love for her . I saw the smoke long before I turned into the drive to our cabin . Then I saw the flames . I pulled the car to a stop , rushed to the cabin , and heard her screams . Those screams will never leave me . When I pushed open the door , a blast of heat and flames knocked me on my ass . I got up ; nothing short of hell was going to keep me out of that cabin . And that is exactly what kept me out . . . hell . I could not penetrate the flames . On my third attempt , the burns and resultant pain caused me to pass out . When I awoke , I was in a hospital 's burn ward . I sold the rights to my book to my agent . I couldn 't edit and work on it with anyone else now that Karina was gone . I took the money and bought a sailboat down in Miami . I had Karina painted on the sides in large letters the color of her eyes . I now sail the Caribbean , going from island to island , looking for nothing and finding nothing . I 'm certainly not finding relief for the pain in my heart . If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you . The call came in at 2 : 35 on a Friday afternoon . My partner and I were jawboning about the up and coming weekend . My partner , Carl Peterson , has been a detective for forty years or so , both as a cop and private . Me , my name 's Herbert Walker . I 've been a PI for a little over two years . So there we were , in our office above the hardware store , talking about our big weekend plans . Carl said he was going to work over the weekend , going through the internet to try to run down a skip - trace we were working on . That wasn 't unusual , him working weekends and nights . He told me that , at his age , he has forgone the pleasures of the flesh . Or to put it in his words , " I 've given up on women . The ones that would be interested in me are either buried or comatose . " Carl is seventy - two years old . He asked me what hot spot I was going to hit that night . Of course , he was kidding me . Carl knew I was shy around women . I 'm thirty - five years old , and though I 've had a few dates now and again , I just don 't know how to talk to women . I don 't think I 'm too bad looking . Many times I 'm complimented on my blue eyes or my smile , but when that happens , I blush and murmur a weak " thank you " and then scurry home to lose myself in a good detective yarn . When the phone rang , Carl grabbed it . His end of the conversation went something like this : " Private Investigations , Inc . ( the name of our agency ) . May I help you ? Yes … yes … no … you want my partner . Please hold a minute . " " You most certainly may if you are the young man I saw on television . " To my never - ending chagrin , I had allowed myself to be interviewed by the local television stations once the case broke wide open . I 'm still embarrassed about that , but Carl told me it was good for business . I asked what her problem was . " I don 't want to go into it over the phone . You never know who might be listening in . " Obviously , I wasn 't the only one reading too many detective novels . Seeing as how things were slow and I was thinking of cutting out early , I wrote down the woman 's address and told her I was on my way . When I hung up and showed the address to Carl , he said , " That 's a ritzy neighborhood . Don 't give her no discount . She can afford to pay the full ticket . Now get out of here , I 've got work to do . " That 's Carl , always looking out for our business . If it was up to me , we 'd be charging fifty dollars a day , plus expenses . If it was good enough for Philip Marlowe , then it ought to be good enough for Walker and Peterson . As I drove east toward Mrs . Lawless ' house , I thought it wouldn 't be so bad if I had a date that night . I love to read , detective stories in particular . But , on a Friday or Saturday night , it can get a bit lonesome thinking of the revelry going on that I 'm not a part of . It was not so much the festivities ; it was that I would like to sit and talk with a pretty woman . Tell her of my hopes and dreams and hear of hers . However , it didn 't seem to be in the cards for me in this life . So , as I drove , I mentally shrugged and wondered what Mrs . Lawless had in store for me . As it played out , she turned my life upside down - indirectly , that is . When I arrived , I could not see the house for the tropical foliage , and my ingress was hindered by a large wrought - iron gate blocking the driveway . Looking to my left , I perceived what looked like a call box , decided it was , and pushed the button affixed thereon . After a minute , I was rewarded with a response . " Yes , what is it ? " Not a warm response , but a response nevertheless . There were no further words from the box , but the gates swung inward and I proceeded forward . The driveway wasn 't long , and after about a hundred feet , it curved to the left where the house came into view . It was a modest affair , considering the neighborhood . There was a massive Cadillac SUV and an older Toyota parked in front . I pulled my heap next to the Toyota so it wouldn 't look so out of place . As I made my way to the front door , I passed a small cement pond filled with goldfish . I dallied for a moment . I hadn 't seen a goldfish pond since I was a kid , and it evoked pleasant reminiscences of a bygone youth . Leaving my memories at the pond , I continued on . Before I could reach my objective , the front door opened and there stood an angel - an angel with a scowl on her face . She wasn 't beautiful in the modern super - model sort of way . But she was beautiful in the old - fashioned Norman Rockwell sort of way , which to me is the better of the two . She had fair hair , green eyes , and if she would smile , I 'm sure that too would be beautiful . From the bottom up , she wore high heels , tight - fitting slacks ( if that is what they still call women 's pants ) and a blouse ( ditto ) . She was a couple of inches shorter than me , and I judged her to be about thirty - years old . I was so enthralled - no , enchanted would be a better word to describe my state of mind - that I stood there like the idiot that I am , with my mouth hanging open . That 's about the time my angel said , " If you 're coming in . then come in . We 're letting the air - conditioning out . " " I know who you are . You announced yourself at the gate . And I 'm not Mrs . Lawless . Just follow me , please , and I 'll take you to her . " Without waiting for a reply , she turned and started down a hallway , with me in fast pursuit as her heels clicked on the Italian tiles . After a few steps , she abruptly came to a halt , so abruptly that I collided with her . Before I could manage an inept apology , she turned to me and in a soft , sweet tone said , " I 'm sorry . I 'm having a horrible day . Something has happened and through no fault of my own , it may cost me my job . So please forgive my actions up till now . " She stuck out her dainty little hand and asked , " Friends ? " Of course , we 're friends ! Friends for life , is what I thought . However , I said only , " Sure , " as I took her hand and shook it . Though what I really wanted to do was pull her to me and kiss her . She had that kind of effect on me . Before we could resume our trek , we were accosted by a young boy holding a model B - 29 bomber . Making engine noises , he ran toward us ; at the last possible moment before running into us , he did a pivot any NFL halfback would have been proud of and returned from whence he came . My guide informed me , " That 's Mrs . Lawless ' grandson . Sometimes he can be a handful . " We finally made it to a room , a room that in my mind I called " The White Room . " The carpet was white without a stain upon it . There was a long sofa , white of course . And three chairs were situated in front of said sofa . Anyone want to bet on the color of the chairs ? Between the sofa and the chairs was a coffee table that looked as though it was made of ebony . It was the only thing of color in the entire room . Opposite the sofa was a fireplace of white brick . It didn 't look like there had been any recent fires because there was no discernible soot . I thought : No respectable soot would dare show itself in this white , pristine room . My escort told me to sit and make myself comfortable and that Mrs . Lawless would be with me presently . Before she left , I wanted to ask her name . But , as usual , I became tongue - tied and all I could manage was an ineffective " Thank you . " A short while later , an elderly woman came in and announced , " I 'm Mrs . Lawless , but my friends call me Jessie . Now sit down , young man . ( I had stood upon her arrival . ) I 'm a tough old broad , no need for any of that stuff with me . " I liked her right away . As we settled ourselves , she asked if I would like some tea . Tea ? Where were we ? In some Agatha Christie story ? I declined the tea and asked her what her difficulty was . For a moment she looked at me as though I might have been from outer space or had two heads . Then a light shone in her countenance and she said , " Oh , I know what you 're talking about . No , the goldfish of which I allude is a gold goldfish . I mean it is made of solid gold and was given to me by my husband on our fifth wedding anniversary . It 's not terribly valuable , maybe a few thousand dollars or so . But its sentimental value to me is priceless . " " I kept the goldfish here on the mantel . And when I went to bed last night , it was the last thing I looked at . And this morning when I came into this room it was gone ! No one has been in this house except my son and his wife - they 're visiting for a few days - and my assistant . You 've met her . Her name is Rebecca Myers . I asked her about the goldfish and she says she is as mystified as I am . " " That was my grandchild . His name is Charles ; he and his sister are here with their parents . But they cannot reach the mantel . It either has to be my daughter - in - law , her name is Christy , or Rebecca . I know my son would not have taken it . I hate to think it might be Christy , but I have never warmed up to her . " It was becoming obvious that this wasn 't a case for a private dick . It was either a police matter or a family matter . I stood to leave , saying , " Why not call your son and ask if he knows where the goldfish is ? Perhaps he took it to show someone . I assume they left before you awakened . " She fidgeted in her seat and said , " I don 't need a detective to tell me that . I 've already spoken with him and he knows nothing about it . And I do not want the police involved . Though I would like the goldfish back , I 'd rather drop the whole thing if you can 't determine who took it . Of course , I 'll have to let Rebecca go . I just can 't take a chance if it was her . " That last statement put me back in my seat . I couldn 't walk out and let that angel lose her job without at least giving it a shot . So I said , " I 'll speak with Miss Myers , it is Miss , isn 't it ? " With relief at that bit of news , I exhaled the breath I did not know I was holding . I continued , " I 'll speak with her and your daughter - in - law and see if I can fathom anything . Does Miss Myers live here ? " " I 'll speak with Miss Myers now and return at seven . Perhaps you 'll be so kind as to invite me to dinner . I think I can discern more at the dinner table by observing your daughter - in - law as we speak of the missing goldfish , which I assume , will be the main topic of discussion . " I then asked where I might find Miss Myers . I was told she was probably in the study and was given the appropriate directions on how to find it . I left Mrs . Lawless sitting in The White Room looking much like the lady of the manor that she was . She was in the study , seated at a desk and going through some papers when I entered . I stood waiting for her to acknowledge my presence . Finally , she turned to me and said , " May I help you with something ? " Feeling awkward , I stammered , " I presume that you know why I was called here . It was to find the dingus , I mean the goldfish . Mrs . Lawless has , in her mind , narrowed it down to you and her daughter - in - law as the likely suspects . " Where in hell did that come from ? Did I say that ? And if I did , did I say it out loud ? And if I did say it out loud can I expect a slap across the face at any moment now ? Those were my thoughts as I readied myself for the onslaught , be it physical or verbal . However , nothing happened . Well , something happened , but not what I expected . She blushed and smiled at the same time . " I 'll take that as a compliment . " I threw caution to the wind ( for once in my life ) and said , " Oh the hell with it . I just wanted to see you before I left . I know you didn 't take the damn fish and that your job is on the line , so I 'm coming back later to see what the daughter - in - law has to say for herself . " At that point , I had to take a breath . I had spit all those words out like I was firing a machine gun . The words ran so close together , I doubt if she understood half of what I said . Before I could think of any more inane things to say , she walked over and kissed me on the cheek , saying , " You 're cute . " Then she left the room , leaving me standing there like the mope that I am . I decided it was a good time to take my leave . I made it to the front door without being accosted by precocious children , grand dames , or beautiful assistants . Once outside , I saw Charles , the grandson , playing with a plastic boat at the goldfish pond . He must have resigned his commission in the Air Force and enlisted in the Navy . Having once been a boy myself , I dawdled to watch as he displayed his maritime skills complete with suitable engine noises . As I watched him , my eye caught the glint of a small object lying on the bottom of the pond . My attention was drawn to it because of the sunlight reflecting off of it . Removing my coat and rolling up my sleeve , I thrust my hand into the warm , algae - laced water . My fingers grasped what I was after , and lo and behold . I held the dingus in my hand ! " I knew he needed water , so I put him in here this morning while I was waiting for everyone to wake up . " He added , " I don 't think Fred likes being out of the water . Maybe you should put him back in now . " Out of the mouths of babes ! And I call myself a detective . Assuring Captain Nemo that I would take good care of Fred , I headed back toward the house . Mrs . Lawless was still there and I presented Fred to her with these words , " Compliments of Private Investigations , Inc . I suggest you ask your grandson how it found its way off the mantel . " As Rebecca entered the room , she heard me say , " The only fee I ask is that you apologize to Miss Myers for having thought her capable of such an act . " Without waiting for a reply , I turned and left the room , avoiding Rebecca 's eyes . I mean what was the use ? She 's beautiful , I 'm a klutz , and she wouldn 't want to have anything to do with someone like me . I made it as far as my car before she caught up with me . " Just a minute , mister . Do think you can pull a girl 's bacon out of the fire and then run away without so much as a by - your - leave ? " I started to say that I was sorry , but she cut me off . " I want you to come to my place tonight so that I can make you dinner . I 'm a very good cook by the way . Here . " She handed me a piece of paper that looked as though it had been torn in haste from a notebook . Upon it was an address and phone number . Continuing , she said , " I 'll expect you at eight . " That 's when she raised to her full height and said , " I 'm asking you for a date . What happened in there has no bearing on the matter . I had a feeling that if I waited for you to get around to asking , I 'd be an old maid . Now don 't disappoint me . I 'll see you at eight . " She turned and quickly reentered the house . When I got back to the office , Carl asked me if I had solved the case . He was being facetious . But when I informed him that I had indeed solved it , his manner became business - like and he asked me what fee I had charged . I told him that , for the agency , nothing . But that I personally made a score . He started to say something , but I forestalled further comment by saying , " Carl , old buddy , I think it 's about time I got married . " If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page , near to top . Thank you . If you will allow me , I 'd like to give you my side of the story . I know the papers and television have painted me as a monster , something that should be exterminated at the soonest possible moment . But I did what I did for a very good reason . It all started on that cold day in February two years ago when she walked into my shop . At the time , I was a woodworker - a cabinet maker . She was not beautiful , but then again she was not unpleasant to the eye . I can still remember her first words . " Are you Abner Crochet ? " Seeing as how that was my name , I answered in the affirmative . My time is limited ; they will be coming for me shortly , so I 'll have to leave much out of my narrative , but the salient facts are as follows . At our third meeting , while I was showing her the plans I had drawn up for her commission , she placed her hand on mine . Yes , I know that does not seem like much , but you did not see the look in her eyes . After that day , the relationship grew . She would come by almost daily to check on the progress of the piece . At least that is what she claimed , but I knew different … she was falling in love with me as I had fallen in love with her . Then the day came when my work was done . She was thrilled with the finished product , and over and over again she told me that I was an artist and my work should be in museums . That was pleasant to hear , not because she liked my work , but because I knew that she loved me . I expected to see her the next day when the piece was to be picked up . However , I was disappointed . She sent two workmen in her stead . So I called her on the phone , and can you believe it ? She pretended that she had not the slightest feelings for me . She said , " I assume you 're calling about the bill . Well , I 've already sent off the check with a little extra because my fiancé loves it so much . It is to be my wedding present to him . " What was she talking about ? She had not once mentioned a fiancé ! She touched my hand , for God 's sake ! I could only mutter a weak thank you , and hung up the phone . I had to think . Admittedly , I have not been around women very much . Until she came into my life , I don 't think I 'd even touched a woman . But I knew she felt towards me as I felt towards her . She placed her hand on top of mine ! I 'm being told I must gather my belongings for the move . But before I do so , I must explain myself . I 'll be brief . Knowing she loved me as I loved her meant only one thing . She was being forced to marry against her will . I had decided that I would have to intercede on her behalf . That is why I broke into the apartment . I was only going to reason with the man . Tell him of our true , great love . Then my world , all my hopes and dreams , crumbled before me . When I flicked on the bedroom light … when I flicked on the bedroom light … even now it is hard for me to put into words what I saw . When I flicked on the bedroom light , there he was , and there she was ! They were lying in the same bed ! And neither one of them were decent . I know I said I went there only to convince my rival that he should bow out of true love 's way , but that does not explain why I brought along the hunting knife . Was I subconsciously planning to do harm to the man ? I do not know . However , it is all academic . When I saw the two - my love and that vile man - intertwined upon the bed , I lost all reason . I did what I had to do to save my love . He just got in the way . I knew she loved me , but now that she was sullied by another , she could never have me . So , the most humane thing I could do was to end her life . I did not want her living a life of regret because she had lost my love . And him ? As I said , he got in the way . He fought , and he fought hard , to protect my love ; however , it did give me great joy to dispatch him to another world . They are moving me to the death - watch cell now . Soon I will have my head shaved and the gel placed thereon , for good conductivity you know . Then I 'll get my allotted 50 , 000 volts . I am happy as I write these words . My true love and I shall be together in a very short while . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Spencer was happy with his life . He was married to a man that he barely knew , but it was all right because the man lets him do what he wanted . He had free range over the entire kingdom that his husband ruled . He wanted for nothing , except for affection but he 'd never had it from anyone growing up , so he wasn 't sure exactly what it was that he was craving . Spencer Hotchner stared at the castle that had become his home over the three years since he had married it 's Lord and moved in . He loved living in the castle and was happy with his life . There was a cheer from the stands where the knights were sparring in preparations for the grand event that was days away . " I 'm okay , Ashley . " Spencer smiled at Ashley Seaver , one of the few young girls who were in training to become a knight . She wasn 't far enough along in training to take place in the celebration event , and since Spencer 's usual knights that followed him wherever he went were at the training , Spencer had promised that he would stay on the inner grounds . " My breakfast is held for me , Ashley . I usually do not return until much later as my ride is usually three times as long . Do not worry so much . You can go ahead and hit the tent in the training field , there is food going to be there all day . " Spencer angled his horse towards the stable , and she started that way without Spencer having to say or do a thing . Ashley rode hard towards the arena like area where the cheers were still coming from . The stable boys were waiting for him as soon as he turned towards the stable . Spencer was shocked though that Jack was down there but not to ride . Jack had a book in his hand and was smiling at Spencer . He waited though until Spencer had dismounted from his horse and walked her into her pen before running up to Spencer . " What has come ? " Spencer asked as he crouched down to be at Jack 's level . Jack wrapped his arms around Spencer 's neck , hitting the book off of Spencer 's back . Spencer knew what he wanted , so Spencer wrapped one of his arms around Jack 's waist and grabbed the edge of the door above to hoist himself up with Jack in his arms . Spencer drowned as he wasn 't aware of any book that he had ordered . Or wanted his husband to order . Morgan was usually the one to handle that , bringing him what he ordered . His husband had denied him nothing since the day they had got married three years ago . The day that Spencer had found out that his father had signed a marriage contract for the day that he turned eighteen , Spencer had been upset . He hadn 't wanted to get married ever . He just wanted to spend his days in his workshops in the underground area of the castle and not be bothered , as he had done since his mother had died when he was eight . His father had remarried when Spencer was ten and with the new mother had come a gaggle of three kids in the next five years . Two girls in the first two years and then when Spencer was fifteen another boy , finally a child that his father could mold into the perfect child , a boy worth being left the kingdom that his father was King of . Spencer 's step - mother was glad to be rid of Spencer the day that it was decreed that Spencer was to marry the widower King Aaron Hotchner . The kingdoms were far enough apart that it wouldn 't be hard to never see his family again , it was the only good point of the whole affair . Spencer had snuck into his father 's study to read over the contract and found to his mortification that his father had been the one to start it , based on the fact that Spencer was a virgin . Spencer had read every single word on the contract , but it wasn 't until he was in his own set of rooms that he allowed himself to fully understand it . His memory didn 't allow him to forget a single thing that he read . The wording of the contract was more like the selling of a horse than it was the marriage of a king and a first born prince . There was no one in the castle for Spencer to miss . His father 's disregard for his firstborn and his step - mother 's hatred of him had made it easy for Spencer to not fight the wedding . His father was getting a good bit of gold out of the marriage and the ability to groom his youngest for the throne and not have to be ashamed of his first born . The escort that had arrived in Spencer 's kingdom to accompany him to King Hotchner 's had been entirely made up of knights . Spencer had been shocked that there was no carriage . Given the contract , he 'd expected to be treated like a simpering little thing . Instead , the king 's horse was made available to him to ride back on . Spencer had watched them arrive with no fanfare , his father thought that they were from one of the villages in the area because they did not look like the knights in Spencer 's father 's guard . Spencer frowned because , without a carriage , he had no way to get his things to his new home . When the first knight removed his helmet , Spencer had stared at him . Spencer knew him from the wars that plagued their lands when he had been a child , David Rossi , the best of King Hotchner 's knights . The other three had removed their helmets and Spencer had stared at he saw that two were women . JJ LaMontagne and Emily Prentiss were their names , and on the trek to his new home , Spencer found friendship with them . The last knight was Derek Morgan . The trek from Spencer 's childhood home to his new home had been three days of long riding , but Spencer wasn 't unused to riding so he had adapted well and the King 's horse had accepted him riding him quickly . It wasn 't until the dark of the night between days two and three that Spencer found out why the king had sent his horse . The horse knew it 's way home and had carried the unconscious King home on it 's back for a day when his caravan had been ambushed and everyone else killed . Spencer had never met his soon to be husband , but by the time that he set foot inside of the castle , he was already half in love with the man . The wedding had been attended by nearly everyone in the kingdom with no one from Spencer 's kingdom there . After the feast , Morgan had escorted Spencer to his set of rooms and Spencer had waited for hours for his new husband to come to him . Given the emphasis on virginity that had been in the contract , Spencer had been worried about what the night would be like for him . He had seen various members of his father 's castle in sexual acts , men and women , women and women , and men and men . He had read books that explained everything to do with sex but reading about it and having to do it was two different things . Spencer had fallen asleep and only woke up in the middle of the night when a draft moved through the room and made the candles that were lit sputter . From a door at the side of the room , King Hotchner had appeared . He was dressed as he had been for the wedding and feast but looked clearer than he had at the feast . Alcohol had been abundant , and while Spencer had not drunk a drop other than to toast , King Hotchner had drunk steadily from a decanter of whiskey . Instead of coming towards Spencer 's bed , King Hotchner had moved to the desk at the side of the room and grabbed a piece of parchment from the stack on the side and the quill that was resting in front of the inkwell . For nearly half an hour , Spencer watched him writing out something . It was then that Spencer realized that his new husband didn 't know that he was awake . " What is this book ? " Spencer held out his free hand , and Jack handed it over easily . Spencer looked at the cover and saw that it was a new book . He used his thumb to open the cover to read the title page . It was from Spencer 's favorite author from his old kingdom . The author had been his mother 's favorite as well . Each volume of the book that Spencer 's mother had loved had been brought with Spencer , and when the king had seen how many books Spencer had brought wit him , he had ordered a library to be built in the room across from Spencer 's chambers . It was only for Spencer 's use , and it was where all of Spencer 's books had been put . Why had the king bought him a book ? He hadn 't known that it was coming out or it would have been on his list of books for the month . Many of the texts that he ordered were academic , but he did have a few pleasure reading books added in . Spencer frowned internally , not letting Jack see it . It was another in a long line of things that his husband did that had confused him of late . The first had been his new horse . Asteria was her name , and she was the gentlest beast that Spencer had ever ridden . Before her , Spencer had been told to use the king 's horse when the king was there . When the king was out and about in his kingdom , Spencer used whichever horse the stable boys told him to use . It was no secret that the marriage had just been because King Hotchner 's advisors had pushed for him to marry again to settle the kingdom down and to secure an alliance of neutrality with Spencer 's kingdom . No one pitied Spencer though because he got everything he could ever want . The king had denied him nothing , and Spencer was glad of it . He was freer in his new home than he ever had been in his old . " He is correct . " Spencer closed the book and started towards the castle , his stomach telling him that he needed to eat . Jack said nothing until he was set down inside the kitchen . Rossi was still seated at the table where Spencer usually ate but there was plenty of room for all three of them . The cook , a lovely woman named Penelope set down a plate of food in front of Spencer with a wink and finger over her mouth , telling him to be silent . Spencer laughed to himself because that meant that Rossi had imbibed too much alcohol the night before and it explained why he wasn 't eating in the tents at the arena . Jack giggled as he ate his breakfast in mostly silence . Rossi glared at Jack at one point before flicking a bit of bacon at him . Jack had been a shock because none of Spencer 's siblings ever liked him . They were the only children he had ever been around , so he hadn 't expected the young prince to like him at all . Jack had seen him over the first year of Spencer living in the castle , on and off , and mostly at dinners were others were visiting , as it was the only time that the king made Spencer eat dinner with him and his son , playing the part of the devoted husband . Then one day , Spencer had been in his rooms in his wing of the castle , working on an experiment when his outer room door had opened and shut with a bang . Spencer set aside the experiment , expecting it to be JJ or even Morgan but instead , he exited the room he was in to see Prince Jack Hotchner sitting on a sofa with a look of disgust on his face . He had declared that his science teacher was an idiot and Jack was never going back . For the rest of that afternoon , Jack had hidden out in Spencer 's rooms . Spencer had taught him the science that his teacher was too stupid to be able to show Jack and it wasn 't until evening that Spencer even thought about telling someone that he had the prince in his chambers and it came when he saw guards and knights alike kitting up to head out on horseback . Spencer had stared and frowned when he saw the king dressed for battle . The land was at peace , and he had heard nothing of his husband leaving . Spencer had called Jack over , and Jack had called out to his father from the second level of the castle and waved goodbye to his father . The look of utter relief on the king 's face and told Spencer then that they hadn 't been headed out to war but to find the prince . Spencer had chastised Jack for not telling anyone where he was while they waited for the king to come to Spencer 's rooms . The king arrived just a scant few minutes later , Rossi on his heels . The king had swept Jack into his arms and the way his body sagged in relief , Spencer knew that he had been worried . After that , Spencer had been tapped to find a new teacher for Jack . Spencer had Rossi send word to the man who had taught Spencer and the man had willingly come to show Jack . Now , whenever Jack couldn 't be found , Spencer 's rooms were checked first and it was usually where Jack was . Either helping Spencer with an experiment or just watching when it was a dangerous one . Spencer had learned more about the king from Jack than he had anyone else in the castle . Jack loved his father , and they spent lots of time together , which was odd considering Spencer 's childhood , even before his mother died . He was a burden to his father . Spencer nearly choked on the ham that he was eating . He was coughing hard , trying to force the bits of ham from the wrong part of his throat . He felt a hand on his back trying to help him dislodge the ham . After a minute of horror , Spencer could breathe normally again . A glass of wine was pressed into his hand by Penelope , Spencer assumed , and Spencer took several gulps of it . When there was no more , Spencer sighed and looked at Jack . The boy was looking worried . " I 'm fine . I 'm all right . " Spencer took a few deep breaths , making sure that he really was . Jack was looking at him expectantly . " When my father remarried , I was forced in public to call her mother by my father . I would never do that to someone . " " I think that is something better discussed with your father . " Spencer reached out to his cup of coffee and realized that the hand that had been on his back was still there and Penelope was visible at the oven . That meant it wasn 't Penelope behind him . Spencer turned , shocked to find that it was the king . Spencer nearly dropped his cup of coffee in his rush to stand up . " My Lord . " " Sit , Spencer and finish eating , " the king said with a fond smile on his face . HIs eyes raked over the table , and he stopped moving when his eyes landed on the book . Spencer reached out and grabbed it , afraid that it would be taken away from him . " Thank you for the book , My Lord , " Spencer said in a rush . The King wasn 't looking at Spencer though but at Jack with a weird look on his face . Spencer didn 't know what it meant , but Jack didn 't duck his head in shame , he just looked at his father with a smile on his face . Spencer clutched the book to his chest and blushed . He ducked his head . " Now I think I 'm going to go into the sunroom and read . " Spencer stood up and drained the rest of his coffee . He turned to leave when he felt a hand on his arm . Spencer looked back at the king with a questioning look on his face . " Oh ! Of course . Those who wish to be knights should see me . I agree . Just send a page with the time of the start of the feast , and I 'll be there . " Spencer smiled at his husband . No wonder he was flustered . Usually , the king asked for him to join them for mals by sending word with a servant or one of the pages . He wasn 't used to asking for those kinds of thing in person . Spencer felt the squeeze of the hand on his arm before it let go . " I 'll have your attendant lay out the clothing I wish you to wear , " the King said before he turned around to follow Jack 's path out of the kitchen . Spencer frowned . The king had never wanted him to wear anything specific before . He 'd trusted Spencer to wear what was approximate . Given that the king was the one who chose the first sets of outfits for Spencer , there hadn 't been a way to mess up before . Spencer didn 't care about his clothing , and most of the time his good things just hung in the wardrobe because he was either working in his workrooms where he wore simple leather pants and a tighter fitting shirt with a leather apron thrown over , or he was in his riding clothes , as he was now . Which were the same pants for his workroom but the shirt was looser fitting . Spencer wondered if the king had a special outfit made for the fighting event . It was held every three years , and it had taken place just before Spencer had married him three years before , so it was very possible that there was a dress code that Spencer was unaware of it . Their anniversary was approaching , and Spencer had already made sure that Morgan was going to get what he wanted to give his husband . There was a breeder of hunting dogs in the town around the castle grounds that also breed companion dogs . A few of the lords in the area had bought some off of the breeder , and Spencer had heard nothing but good things , so he had gone down to see the breeder and found the perfect dog for his husband . Morgan was going to get the puppy just before dawn on the day of their anniversary and make sure to slip her into the king 's bedroom just as he was waking . The year before Spencer had a new saddle commissioned for his husband and the year before a new sword . Spencer kept the book in his hands as he made his way to the sunroom on the top floor of the castle . It was called that because it was surrounded by glass on all sides except for the two interior sides and got most of the sun of the day . It was Spencer 's favorite room . Spencer grabbed the pillows from the couch and threw them on the floor before falling down onto them and getting comfortable on his side , he grabbed the loose pillow and settled it under his head , on top of the other pillow there . Spencer was lost in his book for hours , reading it slower than he did other books . Spencer didn 't want it to end at all . He didn 't stop reading until his stomach was growling with hunger . He forced himself to set the book down and make his way down to the kitchens . He would dodge through the helpers in the kitchen and grab some of the meats and cheeses that were always on hand for snacks for the staff in the castle . It would get him back to reading quicker than waiting for someone to bring him food . There were more people in the kitchen than Spencer had ever seen before and he had seen a lot of them at the functions the king had put on when other nobles from around the land were visiting . Spencer looked at the foods that were being prepared . He saw that many were ones that he had come to love since coming to the new land . One of the scullery maids stepped up to him with a plate with food on it . " Penelope says to leave as you are scaring the new help . " The maid smiled at him to soften her words and took the pitcher of drink that was handed over next . Spencer backed out of the kitchen before he looked at the plate . It was full of fingers foods and a small bowl of the berries that grew in the gardens that Spencer loved . The gardeners were happy when he came by as he would gladly pick through the bushes to find all of the ripe ones for just a handful that he could take back to his rooms . Back in the sun room , Spencer picked up his book , and as he did , a note fluttered out of it and onto the ground . Spencer frowned as he picked it up . The handwriting of the letter was familiar as he read over most of the correspondence that his husband sent out to other kingdoms . Rossi used to be the one to do it , but even his tongue had almost got the kingdom into trouble a few times . Spencer had been able to tone down some of his husband 's stern words and help mend a few relationships . It 's the third anniversary of when we wed , and I realize that we have not dined together , alone , in all of that time . It was not my intention to ignore you as I have . You 've hidden away in your rooms , and I knew that about you when I agreed to marry you . The whole of the kingdoms of this land knew that you prefer your own company than that of others . When I received the gesture that your father wanted to wed you to me for an alliance , I was a little shocked . JJ grew up in the town nestled outside your childhood castle 's gates . She was the one I went to when I received the letter , and she said that you were never seen when she had been a child . You only rode with a guard , and you loved your books . Then word reached me that other kings and queens had received the same letter and I realized that your father meant to wed you off to whoever would take you . My first wife and I were an arranged marriage as well . I met her on the day I married her , and while she did her duty to bear me a child , she did not love me . I thought that at least I could offer you a marriage where you would be free to do what you wanted . I already had an heir . My advisors had been pushing for me to marry for years after my wife passed . When I sent word back to your father that I would agree , the contract that I received back made me blush . The staunch virginity clause on you told me exactly why your father had allowed you to be aloof all of those years . You were going to be sold off to the highest bidder . I had never met you , or even seen you but when I discussed with my knights what I thought of it all . Rossi agreed that the life I wanted to offer was going to be better than anything else that your father might do to make sure that you were out of his hair . I made sure that the dowry that I sent for your hand wasn 't going to be rejected and I have never regretted that . I have not regretted a single moment over the three years that we have been married , except for I am a coward . I wanted you to be happy more than anything else because a life of living up to what anyone wants is stifling . I used to live that until my father passed away . When Jack started to talk about you , months after you arrived , how his teachers all disliked the changes you were making to the library and how far you were pushing science inside the halls , I knew that I had made the right choice . Then the day came where Jack seemingly ran away . My knights and all of the castle guards searched high and low for him . Your rooms were checked but not your workshop . When I saw you and Jack in your room window that day , I was more relieved than I ever wanted to admit . Jack has been enamored with you since then . My anniversary present to you this year is this book and this letter , as well an invitation for me to court you . I have fallen in love with you from the stories that my knights have told from when they spend time with you on rides and from how you are with Jack . I 've watched you on your rides some mornings and followed you when you have gone on treks to the far woods to read on sunny and pleasant days . I know that you 've not had the chance to learn as much about me as I have on you and that 's what I want . I 'd like to start with tonight , a dinner between you and I in either your rooms or mine , whichever you feel more comfortable with . Spencer stared at the letter as tried to understand everything that had been said in it . The book wasn 't supposed to be given to him by Jack . The king had probably told Jack about it , but the boy hadn 't known that it was a present for Spencer on their anniversary . Jack had ruined the surprise . Spencer folded up the letter and slipped it back into the book between the last page with writing and the filler pages that were in there . Spencer closed the book and set it aside . He moved over to where he could see the fighting arena . He watched as two fighters went at it in the games that were a lead - up to the actual event . Spencer 's fingers were itching to do anything . Nerves too frayed to even attempt to go into his workshop and his mind swirling , Spencer decided to go down to the arena with his drawing pad and pencils . He ate the food given to him quickly and carried the plate to a stand where he laid all of his dirty dishes when he ate in his rooms . He kept the bowl of berries with him as well as the pitcher of drink . He threw all of his drawing things into the bag that he had been given by Rossi as a replacement for the one Spencer had since he was a child . The king wasn 't on his horse training or even in the pit practicing . He was seated on the stand that his throne would be on the night of the event and Spencer assumed there would be one for him there as well come that night . However , right now there was only a large pad to stop the king from sitting on the hard wood of the floor of the stand . " May I join you , My Lord ? " Spencer asked as he stopped at the base of the stairs . The king 's head turned away from where he had been looking at the knights who were training with the would be knights . For a few seconds , a look of uncertainty came over the king 's face , but he nodded . Spencer walked up the steps , slowly as to not upset the pitcher 's contents . There was a tray with several cups in front of the king , and Spencer saw that his pitcher of the drink was mostly empty . It was a drink that Spencer had been told the king 's nanny used to make for him as a child . Spencer liked it and had started to request it for all of his meals and it hadn 't taken long for the kitchen to make sure that it was given to him at every meal except breakfast for that was only coffee . Spencer set his pitcher down on the tray where the other one was and set his berries down in front of that . He laid his bag down on the edge of the pad before he sat down . Spencer made himself not look at the king as he pulled his drawing supplies out of the bag before pulling the book out . He set the book down between him and the king before picking up his drawing pad and a pencil . It was a thick black one that would be good for getting the stands that were on the far side of the small arena before Spencer started in on the people . Spencer pushed all thoughts out of his mind about the man who was so close to him that they could touch . " Oh , I 'm not done . I read much slower when it 's for pleasure . I 'm about halfway done , but I was sick of being inside , and I watched some of the trainees going after each other , and I felt like I wanted to draw . " " I see . I 've never read this author before . Do you mind ? " The King picked the book up and leafed through it . Spencer was watching him out of the corner of his eye and saw the letter as it was pulled from the back of the book and slipped into the pocket of the shirt that the king was wearing . The king laid the book down in his lap and flipped to the front page . " I 've been watching them go at it since dawn . This set of warriors is a good one . I think that my squad of knights is going to swell . " " Only the horrible ones are sent back home to train more , and they are allowed to come back in three years . The rest of them will be either trained as city guards before being sent back and given a stipend to become the law in their cities , or they are chosen as the castle guards . That 's what the week of training before hand is all about . Many of these are sons or daughters of city guards , but a few are children of castle guards who are raised in their hometown . " " Interesting . " Spencer looked around the arena and saw Morgan was done with his mock battle with a group of very young men and women . Spencer caught his eye and waved him over . Morgan pulled his armor off and grabbed a clean shirt and was slipping it on as he crossed the battlefield . Spencer ripped a page out of the back of his drawing book and wrote a note on it very quickly , making sure that the king couldn 't see it . He handed it to Morgan as the man approached the edge of the stand . Morgan cocked an eyebrow at seeing Spencer with the king but said nothing . When he was done reading though , his eyes were asking Spencer if he was sure . Spencer nodded . " I know that I have asked you before to call me Aaron , Spencer . You do for the rest of that conversation , but then the next time we meet up , it 's back to My Lord . Do I need to make it a royal decree ? " the king asked . " I … " Spencer snapped his mouth shut and looked away from the king , back towards the fighters . Spencer saw movement that was close out of the corner of his eye , but he didn 't pay any attention until his sight was blocked by the curtains that could be drawn , which the King apparently had drawn . If it were any other married couple inside , Spencer would have thought that the people that couldn 't see them would think the were getting up to something that was best reserved for a bedroom . However , there wasn 't a single individual who lived or worked in the castle that would think that they would do that , ever . " Spencer ? " the king reached out and turned Spencer 's face towards him . Spencer made the mistake of looking him in the eye , and he couldn 't look away . The King was worried . " I 'm sorry . I thought that it was something that you were taught to do and for a while , I didn 't fight it because I figured it gave you the distance you wanted . I like hearing my name from your lips . " " I read the letter , " Spencer blurted . The king 's eyes widened in shock , but he said nothing , just stared at Spencer . Spencer was staring back at him , and he saw his other hand slip into the pocket and pull out the letter . " I meant every single word that I wrote , Spencer . Tonight was going to be the first of the times that I invited you to dine with me , in public . This feast then a few meals with the knights and just us , maybe a few with just Jack and us . " " I found out when I questioned Dave that Jack asked him and then JJ first what he should do . They both told me to ask you first . I know that he loves you . Other than the few inner circle knights and me , you don 't treat him like he 's a nuisance . " " He didn 't mean it as pressure . He just wants to understand . I left you to figure out your own place within the castle . The accounts that I had from those inside of your castle growing up said that you didn 't have the time for your little siblings , so I didn 't push Jack at you . I 've come to understand from the knights that it wasn 't as much that you didn 't care for your siblings but that no one in the castle had time for you after the death of your mother . That your father allowed your step - mother to create such a hostile life for you upsets me . " " I 'm sure that it 's not true . I am sure that a few of the staff there liked you but from what I am to understand the servants who showed a dislike for your stepmother were let go . They were probably afraid to show you affection for the same reason . " The king 's fingers shifted on Spencer 's face and slipped back to hold his neck . Spencer looked back up at his eyes in time to see him leaning in . Other than his mother , Spencer had only a single kiss , given to him the day he got married to the king . The seal on their marriage vows . Spencer knew what he was going to do and Spencer wasn 't sure if he wanted it or not . His emotions were all over the place . Just before the king was in the range of a kiss , there was a bark . The King jerked his head away to look at where the sound came from , his hand falling from Spencer 's neck . Spencer smiled as he watched the puppy being shoved through the back of the curtain drawn at the back of the stand . The puppy took off towards them as soon as she realized she wasn 't alone . Remembering Spencer , she went for him , and Spencer shifted to sit with her in his lap . " This is Delilah . I had planned for her to be brought to your chambers when you woke up on our anniversary but I think that Jack kind of ruined that by giving me my present early . She is from the same breeder that you get your hunting dogs from . " Delilah jumped out of Spencer 's lap and leaped towards the king . He picked her up and brought her up to his face . She licked out towards him trying to wiggle closer to him . The king set her down , and she got on his lap and stretched up to lick at the underside of his chin . " Thank you for my book . " Spencer looked down at the puppy before looking back up at the king . " And I would like to have dinner with you on the night of our anniversary . And the nights leading up with the knights and with Jack . " " You say that like you hadn 't bought a dog for Jack . A greyhound if I am not mistaken . I heard Morgan talk about it last week with Rossi . " There was no chance to dodge the kiss that was placed on Spencer 's lips . A hand wrapped around the back of Spencer 's head and held him in place as he was kissed . When Spencer felt a tongue trace his lips , he gasped , and the tongue slipped inside just a little , touching Spencer 's tongue . Spencer didn 't know what to do . He didn 't know what to do with his hands . He didn 't know what to do with his tongue . With his lips . When the King pressed forward more , his free hand landing on Spencer 's thigh , Spencer freaked out . Spencer jerked away from the king , and before he could even think , he was gone , running down the stairs and out of the stand . Spencer heard people yelling his name , but he didn 't want to stop . Spencer didn 't stop running until he got to his rooms . He barred the main door , making sure that it was locked before sitting down in his reading chair . Spencer drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them , trying to get rid of the feelings inside of him . There was nothing that could be done then because everyone had seen him run away from the king . There was no way for them not to laugh at him . The poor young man who had no clue what he was doing . Never before had the age difference between him and the king felt like it was something that was horrible . It hadn 't gone unnoticed that Aaron was fifteen years older than him . Even now it was closer to double of Spencer 's age than it was any other fraction of Spencer 's life . Spencer hated his sheltered life . He 'd read books on sex but hadn 't thought about what the build up to sex was . The kissing , the touching , or the foreplay were things that Spencer felt he should have known years before . Why couldn 't the king had seduced him back then when Spencer had been off kilter and more afraid of not being what his husband wanted than anything else . Spencer buried his head in his knees . Time passed , and Spencer didn 't care . He sat there trying to figure out what he was going to do . There wasn 't a single person in the castle who would be able to help him learn what he wanted to know . There wasn 't a single person in the town below either . Spencer vowed that he would just have to find books to teach him . There had to be books that showed kissing and where to place hands when kissing . Spencer uncurled his legs and moved to stand up . He stopped mid - motion when he saw the king in the doorway that he had slipped in the night of their wedding . Spencer had forgotten to lock that one . Spencer let himself fall back down in the chair . The king looked at him confused . He came forward and knelt at Spencer 's knees . When Spencer didn 't resist the hands on his knees , the king reached up and tugged on his hands , bringing Spencer to sit in his lap . Spencer stayed tense in his arms , but the king didn 't touch him other than his arms . " Why don 't you know what to do ? Are you afraid of upsetting me because we are both males ? That I won 't like you touching me like you would touch a woman ? " The king leaned in and kissed Spencer again . Spencer 's mouth was coaxed open again by an insistent tongue . Spencer still didn 't know what to do but being in his rooms , where no one was going to interrupt them , he felt braver . When the king 's tongue retreated , Spencer pushed his into the king 's mouth . He still wasn 't too sure what to do , but he tried . At the first touch of his tongue on the king 's , the king drew back from Spencer . The king was looking at him , assessing him with a frown on his face . Spencer turned his head away from the king 's face ; he tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall from his face . Spencer rubbed at his eye with the sleeve of his shirt to try and stop the tear from falling . It didn 't help , it made his eyes water more so Spencer sought to stand up , but the king wrapped an arm around Spencer 's waist , holding him there . Spencer didn 't look at him . Lips pressed onto the skin of his neck , making him start to feel hot . Kisses were pressed all along the base of his neck , making Spencer have to turn his face to allow him to continue to the other side . Up the side of his neck , the lips moved until he felt something brushing the lobe of his ear . " Am I the only person you have kissed , Spencer ? " the king asked , his voice rough . Spencer shivered in his arms at the emotions that voice was making him feel . He wasn 't pressed into the king too much , but he knew that if the king tightened his arm anymore , he would feel the effect that his kisses were having on Spencer . " You should have said something . I would never have pressed you as I did on the stand . In public like that . Being a virgin does not mean that one is chaste . I was a virgin when I entered my first marriage bed , but I had done a lot of things with the kids of servants who were my age . I forget that you were raised a lot different than I was . So first lesson , Spencer . Use my given name . Calling me My Lord all the time is setting up another layer to this all that you are having trouble breaching . We are equals . I was a prince up until my father died a year after I was married . You were a prince until you married , but now you are king . We are equals . " " Yes , Aaron , " Spencer said . The King , Aaron , saying the words right into his ear was causing Spencer 's brain to short circuit . He didn 't know what he wanted , but he didn 't want to move away from his husband . Spencer felt a hand tracing his knee before sliding farther up . " I was caught watching some of the soldiers spar using just hand to hand several weeks before he started to find a spouse for me . I had an erection , and it was readily visible . I fled away from the soldiers when they notice me . It was around the castle just hours later . I didn 't leave my rooms for days afterward . " " Do you think you can do that now ? " Aaron asked . His hand that had been inching up his thigh moved the last distance and traced the edge of Spencer 's erection , making it even harder , which Spencer swore was impossible . Spencer shook his head back and forth , not even wanting to think about doing that with Aaron there . Aaron didn 't stop his hand as it traced up and down the edge of Spencer 's hard cock . The hand that was on Spencer 's back worked it way up and under Spencer 's shirt . " I don 't know . You feel good touching me , " Spencer admitted . He wanted more of that , hands on his skin . Spencer was getting warm and getting out of his clothes sounded like a good idea . Aaron shifted under him , and Spencer was forced upwards some before he felt Aaron 's arm tighten around his back and they were moving up . Spencer wrapped his arms around Aaron 's neck , holding on tight . Spencer didn 't look away from Aaron 's face as they moved , Aaron , holding him up as they did . Spencer hadn 't even realized that he had wrapped his legs around Aaron at some point in their kisses . Aaron bent over , pressing Spencer down into the bed , unwrapping his arms from around Aaron 's neck and pressing them down into the bed . " I do anything you don 't like just tell me . Push me away , anything . " Aaron kissed Spencer again , coaxing Spencer through kissing him back . Spencer was focused on Aaron 's lips and doing what they were doing that he didn 't realize that his pants had been undone until he felt the cool air on him . Spencer gasped and looked down , ripping his mouth away from Aaron 's to look . He saw his cock out of his pants and realized that Aaron had done the same to his . Aaron stayed right there , the only point of contact was Spencer 's legs wrapped around him . Spencer hesitantly reached out with his hand . Aaron didn 't stop him . Spencer touched the head of Aaron 's cock . Spencer heard him gasp and looked up into his eyes . Aaron 's eyes were dark with passion . Aaron stayed like he was , kneeling above Spencer as Spencer touched his cock . " You are warm , " Spencer said . A drop of fluid leaked out of the head of the cock as Spencer stroked from the base to the head . Spencer stroked his thumb over the head , collecting the liquid . He let go of the cock and drew his thumb up to his mouth . He watched Aaron keep an eye on him as he licked at the drop . It was a strange taste , Aaron tasted different than Spencer did . It wasn 't a bad different but just different . The salty tang hit Spencer full force , and he crinkled his nose . Aaron lowered himself a little , pulling Spencer farther up the bed before he aligned their cocks , thrusting them together . Spencer gasped as he felt the other man 's cock brush his own . Spencer grabbed Aaron 's shirt and held on . It didn 't take , but a few thrusts for Spencer to get the rhythm down and met each of his thrusts . Spencer watched their sweat slick cocks rub on each other for several thrusts before his head was jerked up and Aaron was kissing him again . Spencer held on tight to him as they rocked together , each brush of cock taking Spencer higher and higher . He knew what the result of what they were going to do together was and Spencer wanted it . He had only ever reached completion at the feel of his hand wrapped around his cock . Aaron settled his full weight down on top of Spencer , surrounding him with his body . Aaron came up for breath , and as soon as Spencer saw his face , he came . Spencer 's legs tightened around Aaron , and the hand that he had on Aaron 's back scrabbled for purchase , his nails not finding it in the soft material of his shirt . Aaron arched away from Spencer 's nail , thrusting his cock down hard into Spencer 's groin and Spencer felt wetness spreading . Aaron was panting . Spencer tightened his legs again , drawing Aaron down into him again , trying to help him . " What ? " Spencer looked down , but his vision was blocked by their chests . He sucked in a breath , but it didn 't help . Aaron raised himself back up on shaky arms , and Spencer saw that he was indeed softening . Spencer looked at the mess that was all over his pants and the bottom of his shirt and wrinkled his nose . " Yes ! " Spencer nearly shouted . Aaron smiled at him , a fond look in his eyes . " Yes , I liked it I just … I didn 't know if you enjoyed it . " " Spencer , I think the strength of my liking this is spread across your groin . I didn 't come up here to seduce you . I came to make sure that you were all right . However , I will not say I am sorry for how we ended up . I hope that with time you 'll start to feel better about your want of sex , especially sex with me but Spencer you are allowed to say no . Just because I want something doesn 't mean that you have to do it . Just like if I don 't want something , I 'll tell you . " " I don 't want to just leave you , but I do have to get back out . I need to watch as much of the training as possible . I would like it if you joined me after you cleaned up . " Aaron ducked his head back down and pressed a chaste kiss to Spencer 's lips . " Yes . Even if you don 't want to watch the training , you can sit with me and read . Maybe lay your head down in my lap , and I can play with your hair while you read . Or you can draw . " Spencer could feel the blush on his face as he thought about Aaron 's words . He would like that . Reading with his head in Aaron 's lap . His fingers combing through his hair . " It 's no worse than any other person in the castle . If you would like , we can put them in my room . My maids think nothing of the stains on my clothes . They used to blush after realizing what they were after my wife died , but they have long since stopped blushing . " Aaron stopped talking and looked puzzled . " If you don 't leave evidence on towels or sheets , where exactly do you relieve yourself ? " " I never thought about that . " Aaron smiled and kissed Spencer again . He looked out the window as soon as he pulled his lips away , tracking the time by the position of the sun . Aaron reached behind himself and unhooked Spencer 's legs from around his waist . " Tonight , do you want me to come up here or do you want to come down to my rooms ? " A cheer went up in the area , barely heard by Spencer , and it made Aaron finally stand up and tuck his cock back into his pants before starting to do them up again . Spencer saw a stain on the edge of the lacing but said nothing as Aaron rubbed at it for a second before looking around the room . Aaron moved to the water basin that Spencer used to wash his hands off throughout the day and grabbed the rag beside it . He dipped an edge in it and wiped at the spot . " There is nothing to do with it . " Spencer tracked him as he moved towards the door that led out into the halls and not down to his own chambers . Aaron paused at the doorway before turning back around and walking over to stand at Spencer 's head . He leaned down and gave Spencer another kiss , an upside down kiss before he grabbed something and threw it over Spencer 's groin . Spencer realized it was the shirt he had worn the day before . Aaron strode to the door and left quickly , opening the door only far enough for him to slip out . Spencer touched his lips , feeling that they were swollen from the kisses that Aaron had given him . He should feel embarrassed ; he 'd had his first real kiss and his first sexual encounter all in the space of an afternoon . It was with his husband but still . The cheers from the arena spurred Spencer into getting up off of the bed . He debated taking a full , cold bath or just washing up a little and changing his clothes . When he stripped naked and could still smell the scent of Aaron on him , he decided just to wash up where the evidence of his passion with Aaron was on his skin . Spencer rushed through the castle after changing into the type of clothes that he wore to his workroom ; the tighter fitting shirt was meant to entice Aaron to touch . Spencer entered the stand smiling and couldn 't look Morgan in the eye as he sat down beside Aaron before laying down , putting his head right into his husband 's lap . His new book was pressed into his hands , and Delilah moved into his side , stealing warmth from him . Aaron 's hand rested in his hair , and after a few seconds Aaron looked away from him , and his fingers started to move . Spencer thought that he could get used to this . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . Ladyholder . comWhere imagination runs free and fun is had by allCooking in the ArchivesUpdating Early Modern Recipes ( 1600 - 1800 ) in a Modern KitchenSkylar JayeGay Romance and Erotica AuthorPROMPTUARIUMthe writers store roomboffin1710All the nills in the binary code , and the subtle curve of a complicated function graphic . In the errors of a simple C + + program . A format glitch in an HTML . A blank dot that refuses to be triangulated , and in the drops of Earl Grey that spill from the cup in an uneven pattern on a stack of papers . Ink In My VeinsI 've got ink in my veins and books in my heartAshe 's BarBelle MeriPickingupellenSaydria WolfeDarkJediQueen 's LairWorks In ProgessThandi 's ThoughtsI don 't post often , but when I do , it will probably be fanfiction . The Wondrous World of RogueMy writing and other nonsensical stuffSusspencerSuspence filled writingThe Scribbling DeskAnthea DavisFanFiction Authorpenumbria 's ficThis is the site for fic by penumbriaJilly JamesFan works by Jilly Jamestheblackrose16Where all my fanfics flourishDesolate 's MemoirsNae 's Writing CornermyredturtleOnly _ 1 _ TruthHappy endings guaranteedChestnut NOLAIt 's All About The RomanceAngelicInsanityHome of my love for all things DiNozzo ! ( And , occasionally others . ) Rough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . Lexi BaneBecause being sensual is more fun than you knowLilith SilverThe way to hell is paved with good intentions . Vasaris ' ScribblingsWhere Stray Thoughts Come To RestToasterpop 's FictionFanfiction and original stories from ToasterpopWords in SilencePen to PaperRomance and FanFiction Writing , Geek Stuff and who knows what else . . . . . originaltempusJust another WordPress . com siteLadyholder 's BlogWhere imagination runs free and fun is had by allKeira MarcosFictionPress & FanFiction Send to Email Address Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I still remember every single minute of the 3 days from the first spotting to the aftermath of the D & C like it was yesterday . I have gone over and over and over every detail in my head for the last couple weeks , every day . I wonder what would have been , who Baby would look more like , what Baby would be doing in school , how Baby would be with Cookie & Muscles . . . . . . I think about it almost constantly . We had 5 miscarriages before we were blessed with Cookie , but this one ~ the second one ~ was just different . We saw the heartbeat . Everyone saw the heartbeat . My parents and Hubby 's mom included . We gave a copy of the sono pic to my grandparents , his aunt , our parents . . . . we just knew that this was the one . . . . the one that would stick , the one that would be at our wedding when we got married the following year . I had so many dreams , hopes and ideas of what life would be like as parents . I envisioned our baby playing with our friends ' kids as they grew up together . I saw Hubby pushing Baby on the swing , teaching Baby to ride a bike , throwing a base / softball in the yard . . . . . . . . . . . so many things . So many things that we 'll be able to do with Cookies & Muscles , but not with Baby . And that makes me sad . I often wonder how Cookie would be with an older sibling . . . . and that 's something that I 'll never know . At some point , I think we 'll probably tell Cookie and Muscles about their siblings in heaven . . . . . I 'm just not sure when or how . They are too young at this point to understand , so I 'm sure that it will have to wait until they are much older . And I know they will have questions , and so I 'm going to have to figure out how to answer those questions . The last week or two has been really hard , trying to deal with everything that 's been going through my head . Don 't get me wrong . . . . I am SO thankful to have Cookie and Muscles , and I couldn 't imagine my life without them . They fill my heart with so much happiness and love , but there are times that I long for the babies that I lost . . . . all the while knowing if I had them , I wouldn 't have Cookie & Muscles , so it 's a double edged sword . While thinking about the what if 's hurts , it also makes me smile , because I know that I will see them again someday . . . . . and I know that they are content in Heaven with Hubby 's mom , aunt , uncle and my grandparents that have passed . And one day , I will have the answer to the " why did this happen to me ? " question that has been tormenting me . It 's been a while , and for that I apologize . Life tends to get in the way more than I want to admit , and I just don 't have the online access from the computer that I used to have . Hopefully after the first of the year that will change , and it 'll be back to business as close to normal as I get . I absolutely LOVE this time of year . Christmas has always been , for a multitude of reasons , my favorite " season . " There 's just something about the twinkling lights and ornaments and Christmas trees that makes me feel good and loved and all those happy things . There 's just nothing quite like it . I 'm trying to change my outlook on a lot of things , especially when it comes to my kids . The last several months have been stressful and kind of crazy , but during this Christmas season , I 'm trying really hard to concentrate on the important things , and not worry so much about the silly little stuff . It 's a lot easier said than done , but I 'm really trying . Cookie and Muscles will only be little for so long , ya know ? I want them to look back on their childhoods with as much love and adoration as I look back on mine , and being a yelling , unhappy mom isn 't going to accomplish that . I really need to work on remembering that they are little , and may not listen all the time like I think they should . . . . . but they are learning , and growing , and there will soon come a time when they won 't want to snuggle and be up my butt 24 / 7 . And those times are coming quicker than I really think I 'm ready for . There are days that it is really hard to remember that , and I need to make an active choice to remember that and really enjoy this time with them . They are learning and growing and so curious about everything . I need to slow down and soak it up and not get flustered with the 90 million " why " questions that I get , especially from Cookie . She is curious , and wants to learn , and I need to nurture that and help her to figure things out . It 's been a while , and I am sorry about that . Life is crazy , in a good way most of the time , and I just don 't take the time to sit and write like I should . I wanted to pop in quickly and let you know I was still alive , and will try and pound out a better post later . Light , love and cold days It 's been a while , and I am really sorry about that . Life kind of gets in the way , and with no internet at home right now , it makes it that much tougher . I have been keeping myself busy with bible study ( 2 of them actually ) , MOPS , and taking care of the kids . Miscarriage Matters is taking off at a lightening speed , and so that is really exciting too . As a matter of fact , I need to get on the phone with my boss and kind of play catch up . I have been a bit out of the loop , and feel bad about that . Hubby and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last month , and we are looking forward to the holidays . I will try and write more later , when I can get to the computer . Light , love and Grey 's Anatomy In the Bible Study class that I go to , we 're studying Job , and the topic of suffering . Job was a very wealthy man , had 10 children , a good life , and was faithful , obedient and fearful of God . He made sacrifices in honor of his children , in the hopes that God would find favor with them all , not just Job . Satan felt that he could get Job to curse God , and therefore was given permission to take everything away from Job . . . . . his livestock , his home , his servants , his children and his health . Through it all , Job never cursed God , only continued to worship him , even if he questioned why , and wished that he had never been born . After my divorce , I went through a stage of trying to find love in all the wrong places . I had my heart broken more than once , and when I finally met Hubby ( again ) I felt like I was on top of the world . We moved in together rather quickly , after only 4 months , but we both knew that we wanted to be together , and that it was the right thing to do . I 'm pretty sure both sets of parents thought we were insane , but here we are , 8 years later . ; ) We suffered through 5 miscarriages over the course of 3 1 / 2 very long years . We went through foster care classes , so that we could become foster parents , because I honestly believed that we would never have kids of our own . During that time , when we were going to doctor after doctor with no answers as to WHY we kept losing our babies , I felt like God had abandoned me . I felt alone , sad , like I was going to lose my mind . Looking back , and reliving those horrible years , I realize that everything I went through then was to help shape me into the mom that I am today . It doesn 't mean that I can look back and smile and be thankful for everything that we went through , but I can see it in a different light now than I could then . Hubby and I 's marriage survived all that horror , and I really believe we came out of it all much stronger . Like Job , I suffered through an imaginable series of events , and I came out the other side . There were times that I questioned why it was all happening to me , and I screamed out many times that it just wasn 't fair . I know , in time , it will all come to light as to why we went through the things that we did . A long time ago , in a different space and time , I was married to a man who I really thought was going to be my forever . We dated in high school , went to prom , homecoming , all those important high school things together . After I graduated and started college , he announced that he wanted to think about seeing other people , and gave me my class ring back . I had given it to him to wear around his neck . We got back together and decided to get married . When I look back , I wasn 't happy , but he had my virginity , and that wasn 't something I took lightly . We got married , bought a house , and I pretended like everything was okay . The first time he hit me , was around our first anniversary . I was upset because he had forgotten it completely . I got nothing , other than the back of his hand , because I asked him how he could forget , until 3 days later . Then I got 3 roses . . . . . one for our first year , one because he was sorry he forgot , and the last because he would never hit me again . So I stayed . Fast forward 6 months . He convinced me that I wasn 't smart enough to get my degree in Respiratory Therapy , so I dropped out of school . I wanted to start a family , I wanted a baby . That 's when hit number 2 happened . I was given a black eye , a sprained wrist , and a scratch from hitting the door jam . Three days later , I got roses and a pamphlet for the nursing prerequisites at the closer community college and the promise that he wouldn 't hit me again . So I stayed . I had started working at the nursing home in town , as a CNA , and was not home a lot , so it seemed like things were getting better . I was going to school full time , working full time , and there was no more baby talk . We were getting along rather well , or so it seemed . . . . . until I came home late from school because a friend and I had got caught up in the parking lot talking , and I lost track of time . He was at work , but came home to make sure that I knew I had messed up . I was smacked , told to never let it happen again , and he walked out , leaving me to pick up my glasses and jewelry off the floor . I was in the wrong . So , I stayed . In November , I found out about the first affair . I confronted him , and he admitted to having her come to our home while I was at school . I decided that I was done , and so I moved out . A friend and her boyfriend came and helped me , because I was afraid of what he would do . . . . . there was almost a confrontation , but my friend 's boyfriend stood behind me , with a protective stance , and nothing happened . It got ugly and nasty , divorce was filed , and I moved back in with my parents , feeling like I had failed . In January of the following year , 2003 , he called me at my parents house and wanted to talk . So , I called him back . He wanted to go to counselling , wanted to work on us and start a family . . . . . So I went back . We got a new puppy , I started a new job , and for the first time in a long time , I felt like maybe we were going to make it . I had surgery because of some difficulties with my girlie parts , and it was like a light bulb went off in his head . . . . . I found out that I was pregnant in May . He was less than happy about it , and let me know with the back of his hand , multiple times . I lost my baby on June 4th . We hadn 't told anyone , because I didn 't want to tell too early , so no one in either family ever even knew . I put on my strong face , and went about daily life and family get togethers like things were great . . . . when in reality , the verbal abuse had gotten SO much worse . I was late coming home from work one night in August because of a wreck on the interstate , so his dinner wasn 't on the table at the right time . I had put something in the crock pot , and got the rest of it done as quickly as I could . We ate in stone silence , and when we were done , I got up to clear the table , and he knocked me down and kicked me . After that night , things were sliding down hill fast . We were arguing all the time , sleeping in separate rooms , because I was afraid of what would happen if I woke him while he slept , and so I decided that I was done walking on eggshells , and was going to leave . That was the beginning of October . We went on about our daily life , trying to find our new normal after the death of his mom . He withdrew , we were miserable , and went on a last ditch effort vacation to try and save our marriage . While we were on that vacation , we went jet skiing . We stopped to watch the dolphins , and a wave knocked us off . When we got back to the hotel , he hit me so hard , he knocked me out . When I came to , I saw the bruise , and had no where to go . He apologized and kissed me and tried to make it better . So I stayed . We got home from our vacation , and I finally left . This time for good . I spent so many years of my life trapped , not knowing where to go , how to get away , feeling like a failure of a wife and daughter . My parents had been married for 30 years , and managed to get it right , and I couldn 't . . . . I felt like I had let them down . There were many times in the midst of the nightmare that was my first marriage , when I actually thought to myself that I couldn 't leave him because I would be letting my parents down . . . . . they didn 't know about the abuse - verbal or physical - because I was really good at hiding it . If he knew that my parents were going to be coming up , things got really good for a couple days . Being a woman who has been abused defined me for a really long time . It took a lot of work and a REALLY good man in Hubby to make me realize that it is a part of who I am , but it does not define me . For a long time , I struggled to realize that I am worth the love that I get from Hubby , and it was hard to know that someone could love me like that because I felt I didn 't deserve it . If someone you know has been or is being abused , encourage them , support them , and most importantly LOVE them . Leaving is not an easy thing , and for some , it may not be the right thing . What they need the most is love and support and to be told that they are cared about and wanted and important . They need to feel listened to . They need to feel believed . It 's scary and unknown and lonely all at the same time . If you have been abused , know that you are not alone . Reach out to those who surround you , and find support . Believe in yourself . You deserve to be loved , valued and not abused . Today is a busy day around FTM Land . Trying to get the house cleaned up and looking not so much like a pit . I have really slacked on my housekeeping duties , and it is simply because I lack the motivation to keep up with it . I am sick of being embarrassed to have company because of the state of my house . It makes for a very lonely life , truth be told . I am starting to make friends , and would really like to have more play dates and can 't do that if the house is a disaster and there is laundry everywhere . Being a stay at home mom is so awesome and rewarding , but so much work too . I am learning that I need to manage my down time more , and have been thinking about removing the Facebook app from my phone . I find I spend entirely WAY too much time drinking around there when I should be doing other things . The days I put my phone on the shelf and leave it , I get SO much more completed . And I feel better about having a clean house than knowing what everyone is doing online . The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and I am so excited to see the awesome little people they are becoming . Anyways , I suppose I better scoot for now . A mothers work is never done . Light , Love and Bubble Guppies . Until next time . Hubby was off today , which gave him a 4 day weekend . So it 's back to the grind for him tomorrow . And for me too . . . . . . MOPS is starting up again , and tomorrow is our first meeting . I 'm part of the leadership team this year , which is pretty exciting for me . It gives me a sense of belonging and makes me feel included , which is something that I 've been searching for . This week has been a tough one , to say the least . Cookie is REALLY missing Nana , which is making me miss her more too . I can 't blame Cookie . . . . she has really only known life with Nana right here . We moved here when Cookie was 7 weeks old , and have seen my parents really frequently the whole time . I think there has only been 3 times since we moved here 3 years ago that my parents weren 't around for more than a couple days . Maybe 4 times . It 's tough to say the least . One of the moms from my MOPS group has 2 kids that are really close in age to Cookie and Muscles , and so we 've gotten together a couple times this week for a lunch play date . It 's been nice having someone to come and break up the monotony of being at home with the kids all day alone . I almost feel like I 'm cheating on my bestie in IL , Rose , but I have to break up the staying at home all day every day with the kids by myself . We had mac n cheese and strawberries for lunch , with cookies for dessert . It 's nice having some kids close to my kids ' ages that can come play and keep my kids entertained for a bit . Even if they fight and argue some . ; ) Kids will be kids , and mine are at that age where they are trying to figure out what it means to share . It 's been really nice knowing that they are having fun while learning at the same time . We had a little bit of a rain shower not too long after they left , but it seems to have passed over without doing much . We REALLY need the rain , and we 're not really getting the amount that we need . We 're supposed to get rain until Sunday , so I really hope that it starts to pick up a bit here soon . I should be doing laundry or cleaning , and I just can 't seem to want to get up off my ever expanding butt to do anything . I think a lot of my laziness today has to do with the fact that I didn 't sleep very well last night . Cookie got up at some point and got in bed with us , and then she was up when Hubby got up for work , which meant that I was up . I got her to lay down with me and sleep for a while longer , but then she was up again at 7 , wanting to watch cartoons . So , 6 hours of broken sleep really just didn 't do me any good . Now the kids are both down for a nap , and I should be doing SOMETHING , but I 'm sitting on the couch , with the computer in my lap , watching True Blood . The day that I have been dreading for the last 6 months has arrived . My parents left tonight to begin their new adventure in a town 4 hours away . I HATE it . HATE it . Did I mention that I hate it ? It 's not something that I ever figured would happen . It happened in 2008 , before Hubby and I were married . We lived in IL and Mom & Dad moved down here to TX . It never crossed my mind that 3 years after we got here , they would have to leave again . It 's been a rough day , to say the least . BUT , my husband , is his wonderful , loving wisdom , arranged to have the day off today , so that he was able to be home with me and keep me distracted . Which , he did a really good job of , until about now . He 's in bed sleeping , and I should be , and I 'm not . Instead , I 'm sitting up , thinking about the fact that my parents are sleeping in a hotel tonight , instead of where I feel like they should be in their house . I 'm watching Parenthood , which isn 't helping my emotional state right now either . But , I am completely in love with this show . I suppose I should go hop in the shower and try and get some decent sleep . I know it 's unlikely to happen , because I can 't seem to shut off my brain , but I have to at least try . I will try and update more tomorrow . My parents , who have been my rock , my support , and SO involved with Cookie and Muscles are moving to a town about 4 or so hours away from here . I am NOT taking it well , at all , and it 's been tough . Cookie really isn 't old enough to even understand . Muscles is definitely not old enough to get it , and I don 't know how I 'm going to get Cookie through that transition to not having her Nana right around the corner . The movers are coming to pack Mom & Dad 's house tomorrow , and then will load on Thursday and into Friday . * sigh * I am so NOT ready for this . Just not ready at all . It seems like the last 6 months since we found out about the move have just flown by , and it 's here and I 'm just not ready for it to be here already . So , here I sit , up way too late , because I can 't get my brain to shut off long enough for me to get tired . I could just sit here and cry , but what good would that do me ? Not much , except make my eyes puffy and make me look worse than I already do . : P I really don 't know what to do with all the feelings that are running around in my head . The thought of not having my parents at my disposal really stinks . 4 hours is so incredibly do - able in a weekend , it 's not like we 'll be so far apart that we 'll only get to see them once a year or anything , but it just stinks . I have gotten so used to just dropping by whenever , and now I can 't do that , and I don 't like it at all . We 'll have Face Time on our iPhones , which is not even close to the same , but at least the kids will get to see Nana and Ra - ra whenever they want , pretty much . I just wish that the time wouldn 't have crept up so quick . I wanted more time , and I feel like I wasted time doing other stuff when I could have been spending it with them . In other news , school isn 't going as well as I 'd hoped , which is making me crazy . I have so many worries , and I can 't seem to get them under control . It 's annoying more than anything . I know that in the long run , everything will work out and be ok . . . . it 's just a matter of getting to that point . And it 's scary and exciting and overwhelming all at the same time . Things are moving right along with Miscarriage Matters . We 're now just waiting for the approval and " official " notification for our 501 ( c ) 3 . That in and of itself is going to open SO many doors for the organization , and it 's just REALLY exciting . It 's a really exciting time in the organization , and with that we 'll be able to do so many more things . . . . . reach and help so many more people ( hopefully ) . I 'm so proud to be a part of this organization and be able to reach out and help so many when there wasn 't that help available to me . I absolutely love it . It makes me really feel like my losses were not in vain . When I found out that I was pregnant with Cookie , I wasn 't working . I had gotten laid off in May , and was looking for something else . We got word that we were going to be getting a foster placement , and that 's when Hubby and I decided that I would just stay home with the kids , because we would have some extra money coming in to help take care of them , and since they were so young , and they 'd been bounced around quite a bit , it would be easier for them . I had gotten used to being able to go have coffee with my girlfriends when I wanted , and I knew that it would be a bit more difficult with the kids , but it would do them some good to be around other kids and things like that . Once I was diagnosed with high blood pressure , I was really thankful that I was at home , because I could concentrate on making sure that Cookie was doing okay , and with the twins at school in the mornings , I was able to just kind of relax at home until I had to go pick them up . Life with the twins was completely different because they had visitation with their dad , school , and other appointments that we were constantly running to . The twins were placed with another family in the process of going home , since I was afraid that I wouldn 't be able to handle them and a newborn , so I was able to relish in sleeping in and only having to go to my doctors appointments and eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted . I feel like I didn 't get a true taste of what it was to stay home until Cookie came along . After Cookie arrived , things were completely different for me . There was no more sleeping in . Ever . For the first 7 weeks of her life , the only place that she would sleep was on my chest . While I LOVED getting all that snuggle time with her , it was exhausting . I pretty much didn 't sleep for almost 2 months . I would get a quick nap in while she was sleeping , but I was so worried about dropping her , or smothering her or something that my sleep was very short . Once we moved from IL to TX , and she was sleeping in her crib , then I got a little bit more sleep . Once she finally started sleeping through the night , it was definitely better . But then came the napless days and crawling then walking and teething . And on top of all of that , I decided it would be a good idea to go back to school with a brand new baby at home . HA ! I never really got the concept of being at home all day , every day , by myself while Hubby worked . When we were in IL , Hubby was only working part time hours , so it wasn 't really hard , because he only worked 5 - 6 hours a night , 4 - 5 nights a week . After he started working in TX , he 's been working 8 - 10 hours a day 5 - 6 days a week . And that 's when it became a totally different ballgame for me . So , today is Father 's Day . I got up this morning , took both the kids to church , because Cookie got to sing with the VBS kids . She loved every minute of it . She is growing so fast . . . . it 's hard to believe . I need to start checking into preschool for her . I know she would absolutely LOVE going to school , so I really need to start researching and see if she is able to go . I 'm not sure if she would start next school year , or the following . I 'm still thinking about homeschooling . . . . . but I 'm wondering if getting her through kindergarten or 1st grade would be better . . . . . . I just don 't know . I want her to have a good foundation , and she 's SO smart , I know she would catch on quick . I 'm going to have to just start looking and see what 's even available . I would love to be able to send her to the Christian school here , but it is SO expensive . So I don 't really think that 's a possibility . I think that we 're going to start going to the Baptist church where VBS was held . The pastor is great , everyone there is awesome , Cookie LOVES it , there are lots of kids her age that go there . . . . . . it just feels like an all around win - win situation . I felt really moved by the talk that Pastor gave this morning , and I really feel like we could be at home there . I know that the kids will grow and thrive . . . . and that 's what I want more than anything . Somewhere that my kids will make friends that they will grow up with and go to school with and maybe even fall in love with . It 's been a long day . . . . a long week really . My one client is out of town , so I 've been going out to her place and taking care of her cats twice a day . It 's exhausting . She 's paying me to do it , so it 's not a super big deal , but it just makes my days a bit longer . Only about 6 more days to go before she 's home . So , it 'll be okay until then . ; ) I should probably get to bed . . . . seeing as it 's 12 : 30 a . m . and I have to be awake at about 6 a . m . to make sure that the front door is locked so that Cookie can 't escape . . . . which she did a couple weeks ago . I had a police officer ringing my doorbell at 8 a . m . , because my child went outside and was across the street playing at the park , and some women walking called the police . I almost had a break down . . . . . she was fine , but the ' what ifs ' could have killed me . Today was a day full of laundry and cleaning and getting to spend some good quality time with my family . < 3 There is nothing better than that , nothing in the entire world . And it seems as though it doesn 't happen often enough . We 're always too busy , or annoyed or something . The kids took pretty short naps today , which made for grouchy kids this evening , but , all in all , they did pretty well . I 'm really tired of doing laundry . . . . and I still have several loads to do tomorrow . But , hey , it 's part of life I suppose . I have a load in the dryer that needs folded , a load that needs to go into the dryer , and then whites and sheets to do tomorrow . Hubby and I have started watching Prison Break . . . . and it 's really pretty good . We 're on season 2 , and I really really like it . It stinks that it isn 't on anymore , but I 'm hoping that they wrap it up well . The kids were in VBS this week . . . well , Cookie was . Muscles was in the toddler care , and I volunteered . I had an absolute blast working with the kids , and singing the songs and doing all the fun stuff . Cookie absolutely LOVED going , and has talked of nothing but VBS since the first day . It was awesome . I 'm so excited to see where this walk with Jesus leads my beauty . She , thus far , is totally enthralled with learning about Jesus and I LOVE seeing that . I 'm hopeful that she will continue to walk this path , and that she will become a strong Christian woman , and know that she deserves nothing but the best . I 'm also hopeful that Muscles will follow the same path . I really want both of them to lead a good Christian life , and stay as far away as possible from the evils of this world . I know I can 't keep them away from everything , but I am going to try my hardest . * sigh * So , today was the day . Sadie crossed the Rainbow Bridge , and I can 't seem to shake the overwhelming sadness that is flooding my head and heart . I was there with my mom and dad , and it was probably one of the most difficult things I 've ever gone through in my entire life . I know some people will look at me like I 'm insane , but Sadie had been a part of our family for at least 12 years . . . . I think maybe longer . It 's just a very heavy weight . . . knowing that the next time I walk into my parents ' house , she won 't be there . She won 't give us kisses , I won 't hear her bark . . . . my kids won 't get to play fetch with her . I 'm emotionally exhausted , and really need to get to bed , otherwise I would write more . The kids are going to be up early , I still need to get a shower . We 're going to my brother 's tomorrow , gonna go swimming and such . It 's going to be a long day , and hot , BUT , I know that the kids will love getting to play with their cousins . < 3 Cookie has been going through something , though I 'm not quite sure what . . . . she 's been really fussy and cries at the drop of a hat , and throws fits , and has been refusing naps . When she doesn 't get a nap , she is VERY irritable and moody and just unhappy . And when she gets that way , I get frustrated and lose my temper much quicker than on a normal day . I 'm working on that , but ya know . . . . being a mommy is tough work . And the biggest thing that 's been weighing on my mind this week is the fact that my parents are having their beloved dog put to sleep tomorrow . : ( Sadie has congestive heart failure , and it won 't get better , and has been steadily getting worse over the last couple weeks . They are going out of town to see my Grandma , and didn 't want something to happen while they were gone , so they opted to end her suffering tomorrow . I 'm going to go over there and be with them . The vet is actually coming to Mom & Dad 's house , which I think is awesome . It 's going to be a hard day , for sure , and I 'm just hoping that I can get through the day without too much trouble . I was totally going to write more , but the night got away from me , and I 'm exhausted , so I 'm going to bed . If you 'd have told me 5 years ago that I would have 2 beautiful kids and be celebrating Mother 's Day with them , I would have laughed in your face . I never would have imagined that this would be my life . I wouldn 't trade it for anything , but I never would have thought that this could be me . Being a mother to several angels is not for the faint of heart , that 's for sure . There were many times that I wanted to just give up , and for a while , we did . We took a break from trying , and just enjoyed being together . Mother 's Day during those years was horribly difficult . Most of the time , I just ignored it other than calling my mom to wish her a happy one . I avoided the cards and flowers and gifts like they were the plague . I would make sure that I didn 't pay attention to the commercials or movies that centered around Mother 's Day , because I just couldn 't handle it . Working with Miscarriage Matters had really made me feel like losing my angels meant something . It 's given me a purpose , a drive , that I never knew I had in me . It 's becoming a huge part of me . . . and it 's making me into a better person . I love the team that I work with , and it 's wonderful to be a part of something so amazing . It 's been a month ? Really ? Man , I 'm HORRIBLE at this . : ( Things have been so absolutely NUTS the last couple weeks , I don 't know whether I 'm coming or going . The move has been the biggest nightmare . . . . just an absolute nightmare . We were supposed to be able to move in on May 1 . So our plan was to get the majority of the big stuff in that day , then use the 2nd to get everything else . Well , that didn 't happen . The landlord was still working on this place , up to about 5 pm . Then he was back working on it some more the following day . So we got about 4 things moved over on Thursday and that was it . Friday I ended up sick . . . as in I couldn 't sit up without feeling like I was going to puke everywhere . It finally passed , sort of , and we were able to get started about 1 pm . My parents kept the kids off and on , since Mom had to work , and we kept at it until around 10 pm . Got the kids home ( to the new house ) and to bed . Got up Saturday and kept at it . Mom & Dad kept the kids until nap time , and I worked straight through naptime , because the landlord 's daughter in law called and said that the landlord had told us we had til noon to get out . . . . . I was like , um , NO . It 's going to be later than that , we 're only 2 people , we have a bunch of stuff , and there 's NO WAY we agreed to noon . So , anyway . . . it was just a nightmare . We were at the old house packing up a load and my mom called and said come over and eat , and we 'll keep the kids so you can finish . . . . . and so that 's what we did . By the time we got done and home , it was 11 : 30 pm . Got the kids to bed , showered , crawled into bed myself , and Cookie was up in the middle of night to get into bed with us . So , I didn 't sleep great . Sunday we worked on the kitchen , and that was the ONLY thing that we got done . We 've worked on bits and pieces of getting stuff together all week long , and we 're still not done . I 'm hoping that by the time Sunday comes around we 'll be done and all the boxes that need to be unpacked will be . The kids ' rooms haven 't been touched . . . . at all . The bathroom either . And we won 't talk about Hubby and I 's room . What I will say about it is that none of my clothes are in the closet in there . . . . . they are all in Cookie 's room . . . Cookie is having some issues with sleeping , so I need to go . . . . she 's awake and I need to go check on her . Until next time ( which I promise won 't be a month from now ! ) take care . Being a part of Miscarriage Matters has completely changed my life . . . in SO many ways . I 've been able to heal while being there for others at the same time . There 's nothing better than that . I have been able to deal with things that I honestly didn 't even know were issues until I started talking to other women who have been through the same things that I have . I hope that I have made a positive change in their lives as well . Going through a miscarriage changes you in ways that a lot of people could never understand . It 's something that unless you 've been through it , you honestly have NO clue . And I wouldn 't wish that knowledge on anyone , because it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life . It 's humbling to know that my experience has made the difference for someone who is going through it , because I didn 't have anyone to relate to when I was going through mine . It is such a taboo subject , which it really shouldn 't be , because it is a part of life . I hope that me being a part of the organization helps to get the word out to other women , and men , who are suffering loss , because we are here to provide support and love and a shoulder to cry on , from someone who understands the pain associated with miscarriage and infant loss . I am so proud to be a part of this organization , that I believe so strongly in , because I know that things are going to take off , and be amazing , and we will get to spread the word and create something that is not only world wide , but up until Miscarriage Matters , was unavailable . One on one support with someone who has been through a loss is pretty well unheard of . If you or someone you know has been through or is going through a miscarriage , please send them our way . Our website is www . mymiscarriagematters . com . Fill out the join / become a friend link and we can match you with a person to help you through this difficult time . If you have been through this , and wish to help others , fill out the form at the same link , and we will work with you to get you ready to helThe kids have been doing awesome , Cookie is pretty much potty trained . : ) She is still pretty resistant to poop on the potty , but we 're getting there . Muscles is just growing and changing and talking more and more every day . I am so thankful that I 'm able to stay home with them and see the changes and moments . . . . . because they can never be replaced . They will never be this little again , and I soak up every single moment of it . Time goes so fast . . . . so quickly , and before I know it , they will be off with their friends and my little babies will be no more . I should completely be in bed , because it 's after midnight . . . . but I 'm just not ready to go to bed yet . I had a paper to turn in , which I got done , I 've been working on postings for MM 's Facebook page , which I got done , and now I 'm just watching Pitch Perfect ( Man , I LOVE this movie ) and enjoying the peace and quiet . Hubby and the kids are in bed , it 's peaceful , and I 'm just enjoying the quiet . I 'm hoping that tomorrow is a bit easier of a day with the kids . . . . Cookie has been fighting naps , hard core , off and on . Saturday , it wasn 't an issue to get her to take one , but yesterday and today , she wanted no part of it . She is SO cranky when she doesn 't get one . . . . . . I can 't wait until we 're able to move into a 3 bedroom , because then , even if she doesn 't sleep , she will be put in her room for quiet time , but Muscles will still get a decent nap . We 're actually going to be moving in May / June . Our lease here is up May 31st , and Billy and his fiance are moving closer to Houston . So , we talked with our current landlord , and he 's got another house here in town that he 's going to be renting , so we 're moving into it . It 's a 3 bedroom , 1 bath , decent size back yard , it 's right across from a park , and on a pretty quiet street . We 're close to the elementary school , so there is also the playground for the school that is close . We 'll be able to walk to MOPS on nice days , because the church it is at is just across the park / playground . I 'm really looking forward to it , and so now I get to start packing . : P I HATE packing , but hey . . . . if it means that we 'll get into a better place , then I 'm all for it . And we NEED a 3 bedroom . It 's also a place that we can stay for the next 4 or 5 or 6 years until we can afford to buy / build a house , which is what we want to be able to do . I am really excited that we 'll be able to stay and not have to move again for a while . Alright , well , this is getting lengthy and I 'm getting exhausted , so I suppose I should get off here and head to bed . Cookie 's probably going to be up early , and I need to feel rested to be able to be patient with them tomorrow . I pray that you all have a wonderful rest of your evening , or day tomorrow . * sigh * Today has just been a rough , terrible , crappy day . I shouldn 't really say crappy , because it 's not been completely crappy . . . . . . but it hasn 't been great either . It 's been stressful , and annoying , and I am just glad that it is finally about over . I can 't seem to wrap my brain around my homework this week , and to be 100 % honest , I really don 't care . I have to bring my GPA up , but this class just isn 't going to do it . I 'm hoping that I will end up with a C . . . I just can 't seem to give a crap this class . Next week is the final week , and our group project is due , and I 'm doubting that we are going to get a stellar grade , because this group that I have had to work with hasn 't been worth a hill of freaking beans . It 's been hard trying to balance my life . . . . and I 'm doing a really poor job of it . I can 't seem to make anyone happy . . . . . and it 's starting to wear on me . I 'm tired of trying to be everything for everyone and failing . And as if that 's not bad enough , Hubby and I seem to be constantly fighting . I don 't even know if he even realizes that we are fighting . He can be so obtuse sometimes . He doesn 't seem to realize that being a stay at home full time mom is not as easy as he makes it out to be . I had hoped that when I was working , he would get a tiny taste of it , but apparently that didn 't happen . He doesn 't realize how far a simple thank you would go with me . All I seem to get is pissy - ness because something didn 't get done , or done right or whatever . I love him , with all my heart , but there are days that I just want to smack him in the face with a shovel . Cookie has been potty training here lately . . . . . . and has only had 1 accident in 3 days . THREE WHOLE DAYS ! ! ! ! She isn 't pooping on the toilet , but she is peeing on the toilet . . . . every time she has to go . And she tells us when she needs to go potty . I am SO proud . I put her down for her nap today in her panties , and she woke up dry too ! ; ) Now we 'll just have to see how the rest of the week goes . . . . . especially when we go to Bible study . . . . that 'll be the real test . I worry about being in the car . . . . but as long as I make her go potty before we leave , we should hopefully be okay . I am going to put a change of clothes and underwear in her backpack so that she can take it with her , and that way the teacher won 't have to go across the hall to get the diaper bag . I 'm NOT ready for all of this . . . . I want my teeny tiny baby back . It 's all happening so fast , and I feel like it 's just slipping away . I 'm going to be the mommy of a 3 year old . . . . in just 6 short days . It seems to insane to think that it 's been 3 years since she was in my belly . She 's almost been here longer than we tried to get her here . That is just completely crazy to me . All I can hope is that I 'm raising her to be a sweet , confident , well behaved little girl . . . who knows what she wants and that she can accomplish anything that she sets her mind to . I wish that nap time was as easy now as it was a year ago . Cookie just will NOT lay down quietly most days anymore , and that typically means that Muscles doesn 't get a good nap either which leads to them both being cranky butts . I try and try to get her down without being mean , but it doesn 't work . I thought maybe she was ready to just not take a nap anymore , but when she doesn 't have one , come 6 : 30 , she is just HORRIBLE . We are going to be looking at a new house on Sunday . Our current lease here is up in May , and since Billy & his fiance are going to be moving out , we can 't afford this place on our own . So , we 're in the market for a new place . . . . not that either of us ( meaning Hubby & myself ) really want to move again , but we don 't have a choice . It is a 3 bedroom , 1 bath which 1 bath isn 't ideal , but it 's doable . I would rather have 2 baths , one for us and one for the kids , but oh well . The landlord at the new house is the same landlord we have now , so we 're hoping that he would be willing to work with us on the rent and such . We like him as a landlord , he leaves us alone for the most part , but fixes stuff when it needs fixed . I am hopeful that he will work with us , because we definitely need a 3 bedroom . School is going okay , the group that I have to work with leaves a lot to be desired though . We have a group paper that we have to do , and so far there are only 2 of us that have managed to get our stuff in on time . It 's really frustrating . Hopefully it 'll get done , and we 'll get a decent grade , but to be honest , I 'm worried . I 've seen a huge change in the kids , just in the last several days . I 've seen a huge change in ME . My whole perspective has changed . I feel so much better , I am more at ease , I love every single aspect of it . We 're just waiting on Hubby 's W2 to be able to file our taxes . I 'm really looking forward to that . . . . . gonna get some bills paid ahead so that we aren 't so stressed . We 're also going to get a NEW bed ! ! ! ! I 'm sick of being so squished because Hubby is a HORRIBLE bed hog . SO we 're getting a KING . YAY ! ! ! ! ! Can you tell that I 'm excited about that ? ? ? So , it 's been a rough couple of weeks . There has been a lot of worrying , debate and general making myself sick over whether or not me working is paying off for us . By the time you factor in paying the babysitter , losing our food stamps , the extra gas , etc . , it turns out that it really wasn 't all that worth it , especially when I was only bringing home about $ 20 a week from my paycheck . I 'm definitely looking forward to being home with my babies again . I have missed that more than I really realized the last 3 months . I 'm also REALLY looking forward to getting my house back in order . . . . . . . . . . . it 's completely fallen apart since I started working , and this place is TRASHED . It seems like the only time I ever clean anymore is if we have company coming over . * sigh * So you can imagine the state of my house . Being more available for playdates and such with my MOPS group is also going to be really nice . I missed more than I would have liked because of work . I can 't even really think of anything about work that I 'm going to miss . . . . . other than a few of the people that I work with . So , that 's the big announcement . And the big weight that 's been lifted in my life . Things are going to be snug money wise , but it 's just not worth it for me to work . I 'm going to be going back to school soon too , so it 'll be nice to not have to try and juggle work and school and the kids . I 'm very excited about going back to the way things have been for the last 3 years . Hubby has talked about getting a part time job , which would help with money , but I really hate for him to have to work so many hours on his own . . . . but we 'll figure out what works for us . I 've also thought about looking into babysitting here too . . . . but when I looked before , that didn 't work out so well . . . . so , we 'll just have to see . I 'm excited for this new chapter . I also hope that with my staying home that I 'll be able to be around more and get traffic for the blog and Facebook page moving a bit more . I am a wife to a great man , who may drive me nuts , but is awesome . I am a Mama to a beautiful girl and a handsome boy . This is just a little bit of me . . . . taking things one day at a time .

We specialize in all things frightening . From true stories to fiction , horror movies to creepy art , we 're your one - stop spot when you want to be infested by the creepy - crawlies . Now , turn off the lights . Lock your doors . Try your best to make it through the night . Last Christmas , my parents were visiting me and at about 3 in the morning I hear this bloodcurdling shriek . I jumped out of bed and saw a man outside my back door . I realized that some men were trying to break in so I opened and shut the window real quick to set the alarm off . Luckily my husband had his cell phone next to our bed so he called 911 . While he was calling I started yelling for my parents to run to our bedroom . As I was yelling to them there was a loud gunshot and my mom stopped screaming . At this point I thought that they had gotten into the house and shot my mom . I started to run to their room but my husband stopped me ( I was holding our 1 year old son ) . We didn 't know what to do . We thought that they had gotten into our house and there was still a man standing at our only exit . Finally I heard my mom yelling my name and her and my dad ran to our bedroom . They were fine , there was a man that had been crawling through their window but had jumped back out when the alarm went off . The police finally got there and as we walked around the house and saw that the man standing at my back door had shot through the door with a shotgun . The wall facing the door was full of holes from the pellets . Luckily , we were all ok but I didn 't sleep well for months after . Sometimes I still wake up in a panic . A few weeks after this happened my husband was away on business . My son was sleeping with me again and at about 1 in the morning I heard a loud crash and the alarm went off . I thought the men had come back and shot through the door again . I locked myself in the bathroom with my son and called 911 . When the police arrived we walked around the house and couldn 't figure out what happened . Finally we saw that a shelf had collapsed in the kitchen and all the dishes had broken , setting of the alarm . These days I try to sleep , but sleep won 't come . I was on her way over to the house of a guy I 'd been seeing . While driving , I notices an old red Ford truck , like from the 60 's , behind me and I 'm a girly girl and scare eaisly , so I start to get freaked out when it becomes pretty clear that it 's following me . The guy I was seeing lived in the mountains , out of city limits , and I had to take a few rural roads to get to him . The chances that this old truck were following me were pretty damn good . I pull in my guy friend 's driveway and the red truck pulls in behind me , blocking me so I can 't back out . I watch in my rearview mirror as an old man , early 60 's I 'd guess , gets out of the truck . He stands by his truck looking at my car , and then starts walking toward me . I slam down the locks , and fumble for my cellphone . The grissled man comes up to the window ( it was cracked about an inch ) and mumbles something about them having similar license plates . At this point , I 'm really freaked out and I call the guy I 'm visiting . He answers and I 'm crying telling him to come outside and help me . As I wait for my friend , the old man lifts his hands to the window and shows me a rope he has . He asks if I knows of a good places to walk his dog . She looks back toward his truck - there 's no dog . At this point , my friend opens his front door with a baseball bat in hands and confronts the old man . Immediately the old man starts to retreat . My friend chases him back into his car and the old man talks to my friend as he 's backing away toward his truck . The old guy gets in his truck and drives off . My friend walked back to my car and I ask him what the old guy was saying to him . My friend told me " He said you looked like his daughter . " We took two cars with the guys in the lead car and us girl traveling behind . They pulled off into the first campsite they could find because it was getting dark and they wanted to set up tents in an area they could clearly see . We all hiked into a field near a pine forest and set up our tents before we fanned out to start finding kindling for a fire . J felt uneasy and decided to stay at camp while everyone else searched . When we returned , J was agitated but not enough for us all to be concerned . We assumed she didn 't like the location of the campsite or that she was having problems with D or that she just wasn 't fond of camping . We built a fire and sang worship songs ( they were all involved in local churches ) . After singing and joking around we went to bed . The boys went in one tent and the three of us girls slept in the another . Sometime during the night our tent was unzipped and someone slipped in and crawled up parallel to J . I thought it was D trying to wake J and talk to her about something because I could feel her body moving like she was being shaken awake . I told D that he couldn 't be in here , and that if he needed to talk to J , he should do it in the morning . Her body stopped moving , and D slinked out . I quickly fell back asleep . The next morning we all woke up , and made breakfast but realized J wasn 't with us . We called to her but she didn 't come out of the tent . I asked D what he said to her last night . D said that he told her that once they started hiking and exploring , she would enjoy camping . I responded , " ' Why did you have to tell her that in the middle of the night ? ' " He cocked his head to the side like [ our dog used to do when he was confused ] , and replied , " ' No , I told her that at dinner . The only time I got up last night was to pee . " Skeptical , I went into the tent to ask J myself . She was on her left side facing the wall of the tent . I grabbed her shoulder and rolled her onto her back . Her sleeping bag was spongy and wet with blood . She had been stabbed in the chest several times . They still don 't know who did it " I used to work graveyards at a Circle K in a northern CA college town . CA law states that no alcohol can be sold between 2 - 6 am . At about 2 : 45 am , a couple of guys come into the store , go to the cooler to grab a couple of 18 packs of shit - beer ( Coors , Keystone . . . can 't remember now ) . I tell the ' leader ' of the duo that it 's after 2 , I can 't sell the beer to him . As he starts getting irate , I offer him a free coffee , soda , candy bar , but I can 't sell the beer . ( Cops and management had been all over our asses for questionable sales ) The leader gets the 1000 - yard stare in his eyes and proceeds to start reaching for the small of his back , at which point his buddy says , " Stop , man . It 's not worth it . " The leader smiled at me and winked and said " See you soon . . . " and left . I was about 12 years old . We were heading home through Branson , MO after I had just spent a week at a summer camp . I , having eaten a massive week - end feast had to drop a deuce so we stopped at one of the outlet malls . As I 'm rushing in to the bathroom , I notice this fat old guy kind of creepily looking at me and smiling but fuck it , people are weird and I gotta poop ! So I rush in , quickly inspect for the cleanest stall , and begin the ritual . About 30 seconds later , I hear the bathroom door open and some movement . I ignore it because people use the bathroom all the time . But something seems a bit off . I finish pooping , and notice there 's a figure outside my stall . I look at the crack between the door and see AN EYEBALL . The dude was staring at me . . . I made eye contact . And then I just froze out of fear and began tearing up a little . He move away from the crack . shuffled slowly into the stall next to me . I begin wiping VERY quickly ( no easy task . . . damn camp food ) . Then I see his hand , slowly , inching , under , the , stall , divider . I outright nearly begin to cry at this point . This didn 't happen to me , but it happened to my cousin who was about 30 years old at the time . She was walking out of a Meijer 24 hour store late at night and she noticed there was a strange guy following close behind her . When she looked back he said hello , and asked her if she would take off her shoes and let him give her a foot massage . So she started to walk faster , and then he asked something about giving him some toenail clippings . At that point she was both grossed out and creeped out . She started running and slipped off one shoe and pulled off a sock and threw it back at him just before getting in her car and locking the doors . This must have been enough to satisfy this creeps foot fetish because he grabbed it and quickly wandered off . We tease her about it now , but it 's still very strange . In NYC on a train heading from Brooklyn to the city , a stop or two before the bridge , in the middle of the day , enough of a packed car to occupy all seats with some people standing . . . I was sitting down , when this huge man walked by and stopped right in front of me . He didn 't look homeless , just some angry dude that must have been doped out of his mind on crack , cocaine , or some combination of both . He was dressed in clean street clothes , but had an open bottle of beer in one hand and a lit cig in the other . Never since have I ever seen anyone that angry , and part of me really believed this man was out to kill someone . He happened to pick me . I was 16 years old , and not dressed in any provocative way , actually something similar to this but the guy just stopped right in front of me and proceeded to spew the most racial sexist insults . I tried not to let it affect me , but after having this guy inches away from my face screaming how all white women are whores and they should be put under ground , for what seemed like eternity , I let it eat me up inside . Normally I would react and say something , but that day I stood quiet only whispering a " please leave me alone " . I even carried a pocket knife on me , but some part of me just felt that this guy was going to murder me right then and there if I even moved the wrong way . In the end he got off the train first , but not before throwing his lit cigarette at me and splashing the beer on the floor so it would hit me . The thing that bothered me the most is that not a single person did a thing . Not one . Most people looked away , except one guy who when asked by the man if he agreed that " cunts like me should get raped and murdered " the guy nodded yes . Yes . I lost faith in humanity in a big way that day . After the menacing man left , a girl sat next to me to ask if I was ok , I told her it was no big deal being NY and all . . . but two minutes later I stepped off the train and couldn 't stop shaking and crying for half an hour . It affected me for years to come , I think because I was very young and in a bad place as it was . Anyway , my damn car 's tire suddenly gets wrecked and I manage to pull to the side of the road . It was late , in one of the many bad parts of town , but I did not really understand that at the time ( I am not a native of the city ) so I got out and get ready to change my tires ( I was not a member of the AAA ) . I was working on the back tire that was shredded when suddenly another car pulled up and stopped right in front of my car . I assumed he was there to help me ( stupid ) , so I got up to talk to him . The man in the other car got out , and proceeded to walk over and crouch near my front tire with some tools , and started to take the tire off . When I was a sophomore in high school , a friend would drive me home . One day we went to a record store with two other friends , and on the way back to drop me off , this guy in a truck passed us like an asshole , narrowly missing our car and oncoming traffic . We decide it 'd be fun to follow him for a bit . So he turns onto another road shortly after and immediately pulls up to a mailbox and starts retrieving his mail . As we pass him , all four of us flip him off out the window and continue driving down the road . About a half mile later , we see the same vehicle driving insanely fast behind us . He tailgates us for a bit while we start to panic a little . We start to slow down for a stop sign , and the guy whips around us and cuts us off , slamming on his brakes in front of us . We wait for just a moment , and he steps out of his car with a crow bar . We drive around him , but there 's a stop sign in front of us so we had to pause briefly . The guy runs towards my door ( the rear passenger door ) and grabs for it when my friend takes off . We 're flying down this road , hoping to lose him . We make another turn on to a really busy street and we think we 've lost him . We turn again and drive normally for a few miles , and at this point we 're convinced we 're safe . We pull up to another intersection and are waiting in the right - turn lane , when we look behind us , and two or three cars behind us is the same dude , in the turning lane , flashing his headlights on and off . We make our turn and speed down the road , but so does the other guy . He speeds around us and slams on his brakes again , forcing us to stop . We try to go around him but he keeps maneuvering so we can 't get around . Eventually we stop and I say something stupid like , " maybe he just wants to talk to us . " So he 's straddling both lanes of the road and gets out of his car with his crowbar in hand and a terrifying look on his face . My friend drives off the road , gets around the dude , and we speed away . He of course does the same and is driving like a fucking maniac , but so are we , so we maintain a bit of a lead on him . We were close to another friend 's house , so we pull into their driveway and into the open garage . We 're all terrified at this point , so we run inside and watch out the window for this asshole . He did drive past the house , but thank god we were parked in the garage so he didn 't see the car I had a drink on my own , there was no one else around in the bar and I made small talk with the bar tender . I ordered another drink and decided to use the bathroom . I was gone a couple of minutes and when I got back I noticed that my drink ( scotch and dry ) had a cloudy white rim at the top which isn 't normally there . On closer inspection , the cloudy froth was settling into a powdery residue on the side of the glass . Then he said that it always happens and its nothing . I then looked him directly in his eyes and asked , did he put anything in my drink . It 's hard to explain , but his response , though it was no , told me everything I needed to know . So I made out like I was more curious than anything , and asked him whether he would taste it . He said no and said he would pour me another . I declined and said I would drink it , but i just wanted him to tell me if it was off or not . I 'm hitch hiking for the first time ever in Jacksonville , FL . As I wait by the side of the road in the cool morning air , a black honda civic spots me and swerves across two lanes of rush hour traffic , screeches to a halt , and offers me a ride . A savvy , street smart person would think , " A normal person would never go through so much effort to pick up a hitch hiker . Fuck this guy . " As a naive and sheltered middle class beardless boy I think , " Awesome , a ride . " So I hop in . I look at this son of a bitch , past his innocent chubby cheeks into his beady eyes and say , " THANKS ! " He lingers in silence and lounges in the driver seat like someone in a recliner watching 2 . 5 men wishing he were brave enough to hang himself . The comic book guy doppleganger mutters , " This is a terrible place to hitch hike , all the traffic is going downtown for work . I 'll take you to a better exit down the freeway . " This is the point where my comfort in the car declines exponentially . We begin small talk . And after a few minutes he starts rubbing his weiner through his jeans . I see this in my peripheral and I 'm not quite sure what this blurry circular motion is . So I quick peek . And the gravity of the situation dawns on me . He 's revving up for the big race . I hide my pepper spray on the far side of my body and try to distract him from the impending penis reveal . So I rapid fire ask him questions , " What 's your favorite book ? What 's your favorite movie ? Do you like 2 % milk ? " He swats my questions away with grunts and disinterest and increases the RPMs . I watch him to make sure he doesn 't reach for a gun . I consider pepper spraying him if he does something threatening , but pepper spraying a driver at 70 mph entails mutually assured destruction . My mind races . Then with incredible slight of hand the dick magician releases the main attraction and his dick houdinis its way from captivity . He looks at me with a faint smirk . Silence lingers and I look straight ahead . His fleshy member wanders about freely . I see all of this in my peripheral . It takes a lot of courage to look at a grown man 's dick dead on , courage I didn 't have . My heart beats quickly , loudly . He breaks the silence , " Does this make you nervous ? " I reply immediately , " Hell yea it does . Are you kidding me ? This is not a part of my every day life , man . " He flares his nostrils and says , " Good answer . I just had some really good times when I was hitch hiking at your age and figured you might want to , you know , jerk off for me . " So I chime in with a " No thanks , that 's not my thing . Can you drop me off and put your wang away ? " His face reddens with embarrassment as if his high school sweet heart just turned him down , " Yeah . " He sheaths his sword of omens . So he drops me off . I get out of the car and my nervousness falls away . I fall to the ground laughing . How ridiculous . What a way to start my hitching adventure across the country . On some level I respect him though . It 's hard enough to talk to strangers or ask someone on a date let alone whip your dick ou I used to go to the University of Arizona in Tucson . One night some friends and I decided to go to Agua Prieta , Mexico , which is across from Douglas , Arizona . Agua Prieta is a shithole of a town . I met some Mexican friends and a few girls we knew at this club . After the club was closed , most of our other friends left and I was standing outside talking to one of the girls from the club and a bunch of other drunk Mexicans started yelling at me calling me gringo , cabron , pendejo , the usual insults . I speak Spanish so I knew what they were saying . They started walking towards me throwing beer bottles and on the other side of the street , a few policemen with shotguns drawn started walking towards me as well . The situation did not look very good at all . Me against about 12 people plus who the fuck knows what the police were going to do . I turned around and ran as fast as I could towards the border with beer bottles whizzing past me and breaking near my feet . Luckily I got to the border without getting my ass kicked or hit by any bottles . By the time I got the US border , the US border guards saw the people and police following me and basically told me I was lucky to get out of there alive . I never went back down there . Fuck that . A few months later , a Mexican American friend of ours was killed down there . I live in NYC and work the graveyard shift . I get out about 4 - 5am every night . So I 'm on the subway and I jump on the 1 train and there is this guy sitting alone with a fedora and a trench coat . we 're the only two in the car . I look at him right before I step on and we make eye contact . His eyes are bloodshot and crossed and I hesitate right before getting on and he notices clearly . I get on anyway and walk down to the complete opposite side of the car . I 'm bigger than him ( he 's a small fat , pale white , middle aged bald guy ) but he is just staring me down and hasn 't taken his hands out of his pockets . He has his eyes locked on me and it 's making me uncomfortable so I just turn and start staring at him ( thinking he might look away quickly ) . Instead , he stands up . I immediately stand up too and we are just standing at either end of the car looking at each other . As we 're pulling up to the next stop , I walk up to the door like I 'm getting off . The car stops and the doors open ( still no one in sight ) and I jump off the train . He jumps off too . I wait for the Ding ! the doors make before closing and jump back in right as they close . He doesn 't make it . As the train starts to pull out this guy just stares me down through the glass . I waved goodbye with a big shit eating grin . I used to live next to an eye hospital . One day , walking home , I was stopped by an old man who clearly had trouble seeing . He asked me to help him across the road to the hospital . I agreed , and he grabbed hold of my hand very tightly . At this point I noticed his fingers were stained brown from tobacco , covered in scabs , and his fingernails were very long and dirty . I started to think that my good deed for the day would be a bit regrettable . When we got to the other side of the road he still had my hand grasped so tightly I couldn 't politely pull away . " Do you want to see my eye ? " he said . One of his eyes was squeezed shut . With his free hand he pulled the lids apart and I realised to my horror that he had no eyeball just an empty socket . I started babbling ( still trying to be polite ) about how that was very interesting , but I had to go . I was standing outside my car , talking to AAA when a large , older black man approached me . He disregarded the fact that I was on the telephone , and asked if I needed help . A little weirded out , I smiled politely and thanked him , but told him I had AAA and they would take care of me . He insisted that he would help me , and gestured towards a silver car parked in the shadows , telling me he would drive me anywhere . I again thanked him , and told him no . He then said he was there to buy a soda and did I want anything ? At this point I was fed up and a little scared , so I firmly told him he needed to go buy his soda , and I was going to get into my car now . He walked off , I locked myself in the car , and the dispatcher at AAA , who had been on the phone for the entire conversation , asked if I wanted her to call the police . I told her no , it was fine . I didn 't want to come off as racist . God I was an idiot . I 've since learned the difference between racism and looking out for your personal well being . " Well , " the woman from AAA said , " You might not think you 're in any danger , but I 'm concerned , so I 'm bumping you to the top of the list . " We hung up , and I sat in the car , bored . At this point , I noticed my new friend had come out of the store and was standing about 20 feet from my car , staring at me . I thought this was very bizarre , and I started feeling a little nervous . I made sure my doors were safely locked . Over the next 20 minutes or so , I would take sidelong glances in his direction to see if he was still there . Eventually , he disappeared , and I heaved a sigh of relief . Then , suddenly , I saw him again - he had stepped back inside the store and was crouched behind a window cling , staring directly at me . This was too much - racism or no , I was fucking freaked out . I called 911 . " Oh , no , that won 't be necessary , I don 't want to waste anyone 's time . Could you please just stay on the phone with me until the tow truck gets here ? That way , if he approaches me again , I can show him I 'm on the phone with the police . " I told the dispatcher , very relieved by this turn of events when suddenly - - the man somehow appeared in front of my car ! He was walking right towards me , straight into my headlights ! He reached down to adjust his pants when - BAM . Now , since I was looking at my steering wheel , it came as quite a surprise when he appeared at my passenger door and tried to force his way in . Adrenaline is a funny thing - no longer was I a broken victim . I was pissed . I started screaming all sorts of obscenities at him . I told him I was on the phone with the FUCKING police , and they were going to put his ass in JAIL . I called him a bastard , a son of a bitch , a cunt . The poor 911 dispatcher must have thought I opened my door to scream at him , so she in turn was screaming at me to shut the door and wait for the cops . Several minutes after that , the tow truck rolls in . A gentlemen got out of the truck , and started heading my way . He noticed I wasn 't getting out of my car to greet him , so he pointed at his hat , which proudly stated AAA . I explained quickly what had happened , nodding towards the man calmly standing by the gas pumps . He had put his dick away at this point . I saw the tow truck driver 's face harden . " Did that motherfucker hit you ? " I watched him walk over to Mr . Creeper , and held my breath , expecting fists to be thrown . Instead , I saw what looked like a very cordial conversation . I found out after that he decided to pleasantly ask for directions to keep him here . Suddenly , we heard sirens . Mr . Creeper wildly looked in the direction of the sound , then directly at me , then glared at my Knight in Rusty Armor . He realized he had been tricked . So yeah . That 's my story . It wasn 't pleasant , but I 'm glad it happened to me and I was able to get him arrested . I shudder to think what would have happened to some other poor girl if he had gone free that night . I was driving home from a cousin 's graduation party , and I took a wondering route home through back - roads I had never been on . On my way home I and came across a book store in a tiny town in the woods . The book store was actually a house , where the front of the home had been converted into a store . There was a box on the porch that said " 50 cent books ! " so I stopped to see if there were any Stephen King books in there . Inside the store / home , there were a lot of cool art books and stuff , so I spent some more time in there . She brought me more tea . Even when I said , " no thank you , that 's plenty , " she kept refilling . Gave me dessert too - brownies and cookies . I didn 't realize it at the time , but she was drugging me . It 's hazy to remember the details , but at some point , she closed the shop , telling me to take my time looking at the books . She told me that she was going to go take a shower , and was gone for a while . When I was ready to pay , I had to wander back through her house to find her . I found her in her bedroom . She was in bed . I 'm pretty sure she was naked . At the time , I thought " weird , she 's watching an exercise video in bed ? " but later realized she was watching porn . When I stumbled outside , a fire engine drove by , screaming with sirens . In the distance was the glow of a big forest fire , and the stars were being covered by smoke . A tall man on a horse watched the fire truck pass . He looked right at me , took a piece of wood or something out of his mouth , and said , " town 's burnin ' . " I swear to God I have a crystal clear memory of this happening , even though I 'm sure it couldn 't have . By this point , I guess I was seriously tripping balls on something . I 'm not a drug guy , so I don 't know what I had , but I was out of my mind and could hardly walk . I got back in my car , and drove home , stupid I know , but what could I do , along twisting roads on tall cliffs above the ocean . Twice I realized I was on the wrong side of the road . One of the times I realized this because a massive truck was headed straight for me , laying on the horn and flashing it 's lights . I kept thinking about how my car could be like an airplane AND a submarine if I drove it off the cliff . I can 't believe I made it home alive . During finals week at college I was at the library studying late . I left the library pretty close to midnight and decided to carry my laptop to my car which was a block and a half away down a side street . The street was vacant and I was completely alone . My phone ran out of juice earlier in the night , and I did feel a little creeped out but it the area was pretty well lit , so I figured I 'd be okay . As I was walking , a sketchy pickup truck drove the opposite way and slowed way down to get a look at me . I was too scared to look at the driver , so I didn 't get a description of him . The truck did a k - turn behind me and started following me up the street . I immediately stopped , let it pass , and stood by a lamp post until it made a turn ( down the street where my car was ) . I went back to the library and asked public safety to walk me to my car . As we got closer , the truck that had been following me was idle in the space directly behind my car and sped off down the street as soon as he saw me and the cop . I used to work graveyards at a Circle K in a northern CA college town . CA law states that no alcohol can be sold between 2 - 6 am . At about 2 : 45 am , a couple of guys come into the store , go to the cooler to grab a couple of 18 packs of shit - beer ( Coors , Keystone . . . can 't remember now ) . I tell the ' leader ' of the duo that it 's after 2 , I can 't sell the beer to him . As he starts getting irate , I offer him a free coffee , soda , candy bar , but I can 't sell the beer . ( Cops and management had been all over our asses for questionable sales ) The leader gets the 1000 - yard stare in his eyes and proceeds to start reaching for the small of his back , at which point his buddy says , " Stop , man . It 's not worth it . " The leader smiled at me and winked and said " See you soon . . . " and left . Two days later I got fired for telling the regional dickhead that 2 people needed to be on at night ( and a few other things ) so my assistant manager had to cover my shift . That night he was robbed and had the shit knocked out of him by a guy that fit the description of the tool I 'd dealt with a few nights before . Narrowly avoided getting a shotgun shoved in my face , but a friend wound up with it instead . There was something freeing in the limited way I could take in the world through my eyes . My other senses were freed to run wild . I could hear better , smell better , feel the air and the ground underfoot better . There are many reasons why most people don 't backpack at night . If you 're familiar with the woods in the slightest , then you probably could explain to me why my hobby was in fact very stupid . It is very easy to get lost while hiking at night . You could trip , twist an ankle , and then what would you do ? That , however , wasn 't what finally stopped by from hiking alone at night . I stopped because it 's at night that the woods come alive . I was hiking a short trail in a national forest . It was a trail I 'd hiked many times before . I had a light pack on my back with just the essentials : tent , sleeping bag , food and some water . The trail was a three mile loop , and I knew it by heart . I was about 1 . 5 miles in when I heard a rustling in the underbrush near the trail . I don 't live in bear territory , and there was very little animal life in the woods I frequented that could harm me . So , I wasn 't worried . I figured it would be a opossum , though it sounded larger , or possibly a raccoon . I paused , and watched for a moment , and the sound stopped . After a few more seconds , I turned to continue , but when I turned around there was a dog on the trail . He was some sort of mutt , and he was big , around German Sheppard size . His hackles were raised and he growled . Then suddenly I was surrounded by another five or six dogs , of various sizes and breeds . They were all growling and barking and generally pissed off . At that point I was scared . I had a walking stick that I used , and old hockey stick cut to size , but it was my only option as a weapon . At that point , an idea came to me . I took a swing at a dog to my right and he easily dodged out of reach . However , when he dodged my swing a hole opened in their perimeter and I snuck through , jumped , grabbed a low hanging tree branch , and pulled myself up . The dogs barked , and growled , and leaped at branch on which I was perched . I climbed a couple branches higher , and watched in disbelief as they ripped apart my discarded backpack . The wild pack of dogs didn 't stay long around the tree in which I perched . They seemed to realize they couldn 't get to me and they trotted off . I slept in the tree until morning . From the safety of the tree I searched the woods around in all directions , but saw no sign of any dogs . In the daylight all things seem safer , so I hopped to the ground , gathered up the remains of my pack and walked back to the trail head and my car . I stopped by the ranger station on my way back home and notified them of what happened . It was the first they 'd heard of the dogs , and for the next several months when I 'd go hiking , in the day time , there were posters up at trail heads warning hikers and campers of the wild pack of dogs . I haven 't had any problems since my experience , but I also don 't hike at night anymore . { Staff note : We at Alone at Night don 't normally publish ghost stories . Frankly , we just don 't believe in them , but since this submitter is a follower of the site and kind enough to write their story up , and because we haven 't had many submissions lately , we 're going to let this one slide . So , thanks to Aidan for submitting this one and for being a loyal Alone at Night follower . } When I was in the 3rd grade my mother moved us into a decent sized new house . Although I got used to the move very quickly , I didn 't like being downstairs alone . As soon as I would get to the bottom of the stairs the air would feel thick , like I was being watched . Now , in our house , our dining room was directly above our living room . In the dining room we had 4 metal chairs , that when they moved against our hardwood floors they made a very distinct and loud scraping sound . After a couple of months in the house , virtually every time we 'd be in the living room watching TV , and only at night , we would hear the sound of our chairs being moved across the floor . And this wasn 't a quiet little scrape here and there that could be our cats or something . This was a loud , nonstop , unmistakable movement for 5 - 10 minutes . The first time it happened we were freaked out and ran upstairs to see what was happening , but there wasn 't a chair out of place . We went back downstairs and not a minute after we sat back down it started again . After a while it still weirded us out , but we 'd just turn up the volume on the TV till it was done . The sounds eventually stopped after we began ignoring them . But then we started seeing really weird things . Now , my kitchen was upstairs and parallel to the top of the stairs , which gave me a clear view of my front door . On this particular day it was sunny and bright , so I had my front door wide open to let some light and fresh air in . When I went into the kitchen to get a drink from my fridge I turned my head to look downstairs and saw a shadow standing in front of my door . Keep in mind this isn 't someone outside casting a shadow or anything , this was just a floating black blob that was maybe 6 feet tall . As soon as I saw it I opened the fridge , took a deep breath , then shut the door and looked back down to see if it was still there , which it wasn 't . I bolted to my room and pretty much counted down the minutes till my mom got home . It wasn 't a surprise to her , though , since she 'd seen the blob several times before . ( Last story , I promise ! ) A little while after this happened I had a friend sleep over . I hadn 't told her anything about the hauntings since I didn 't want to scare her , and she lived hours away so we had no one in common that could tell her about the ghost . But one night she went to my kitchen to grab something to eat . As she was leaving the kitchen she looked down the stairs and saw the huge black shadow floating on the landing . It definitely freaked her out good , I can say that for sure . We told our neighbor about the strange things going on , and apparently an old lady had died in the house . Since then we 've moved to a new home , which has had disturbances of the criminal kind instead of paranormal . Two summers ago , I took a trip across the western United States with my girlfriend . We 'd both quit our soul - crushing jobs and , almost on a whim , decided to drive across the country looking for adventure with the ultimate goal of finding jobs and eventually settling down in California . We were making our way to Carbeza Preita National Wildlife Refuge when , much to my chagrin , I realized we were almost out of fuel . We weren 't too far from the small hamlet of Ajo , about 100 miles south of Phoenix . I passed the idea of driving up there to get gas , but it was already late , and the girl and I decided to just camp , and pray that we had enough gas to get the car started the next morning and get us to Ajo . We found a dusty gravel road leading off into the desert and drove just a short distance amongst the sparse desert hills until we were out of view from the road . We set up camp , sleeping bags but no tent , fire , the whole thing . I remember we were eating top - ramen noodles and just really enjoying the sounds of the wild when my girl first heard the sound of tires traversing the gravel road . Someone was coming . Having encountered all sorts of people on our trip , both good and bad , neither my girl nor I were concerned at this point . Then , slowly , a police cruiser comes around the bend . It is at this moment that I start to worry . You see my gal and I enjoy the use of some recreational substances every once in a while , and though I 'm pretty sure we 've used all of our stash , at this point in time , I 'm not 100 % certain . I 'm a little nervous now . The cop walks up to us , hand on his pistol , and asks us to stand up . He says he 's received complaints , from a couple of campers in the area of people shooting guns off . My girl and I explain that we don 't have any guns and that it wasn 't us . The cop says he needs to check our car . My heart drops . If we have anything in there . . . Just as the officer opens the car door , and begin his search , his radio cuts in . My girl and I both hear clearly when dispatch says they received another call saAloneinthenight Hey , all ! We thought we 'd break from the scary stories to recommend a book , today . Currently , we 're reading Stephen King 's IT for the first time . I know , I know , you 're asking " How can this be the first time you 're reading IT ? ! " Good question . Answer : no idea . If you haven 't read IT , then we highly recommend it . We 're reading it before going to bed , and let us say we aren 't letting our legs dangle off the bead anymore . More terrifying than an insane stranger is when the person you 're most afraid of is family . The intimacy and inescapable bond of blood brings the terror to deeply personal levels that scary neighbors , ex boyfriends or strangers can not reach . This is one of the more intense example of something that occurred constantly as I was growing up in the 80 's . This is the story of my mom trying to kill me . Ever since I was old enough to remember , my memories of my mother always involve pain and abuse , both physical and verbal . She pushed me down the stairs , would torture me with water in the bathtub , and was all around emotionally abusive . The worst part is that for many years no one else in my family believed me . My family consisted of myself , my sister , and mom and dad . From all outside appearances we were your average , happy , American family and I guess most of the time , most of us were . The four of us attended church , my sister and even I managed good grades in school , and my dad had a steady job . From outside no one would have suspected the horror I went through , not even those closest to me . I 'll tell you a couple examples of my childhood abuse ; for several years when I was very young my mom would be the one to give me baths . We didn 't have a shower , so I took only baths . My mom would make a game of holding me under the water while bathing me . I can remember the shine in her eyes and the smile on her face as I struggled underneath her grip as the air left my little body . Another time I was at the top of the stairs leading from the second flood to the first , and my mother came out of the bathroom , which was right next to the stairs , and the next thing I know I 'm tumbling down the stairs head of heels . I cracked my head on the television stand near the bottom of the steps , and I remember my mom claiming I was a klutz as she and dad took me to get stitches even though I know I was shoved . These are just a couple examples of what was a decade long life of torture . On different occasions I tried telling both my sister and myAloneinthenight I used to spend a lot of time sleeping on couches . I 'm actually kind of proud of that fact . I wandered around for a year or so , living out of my car , and seeing all the highlights of Texas one friend 's couch at a time . I was free as a bird and loved every moment of it . The time finally came when I found the inclination to have direction and structure in my life . I called a friend in the city I wanted to settle down in for a while and requested the use of his couch until I could find a job and get on my feet . Lucky for me , he was obliging , so I high - tailed my care - free self to a comfy black leather couch in a suburb north of Houston . As I was drifting to sleep that first night , I realized my peaceful dreams had some noisy competition . Wind chimes . My parents had a small set of them on our porch when I was a little girl , so ordinarily this would have been a soothing sound . This particular clatter , however , eerily drifted from below my friend 's upstairs apartment , and sounded like the soundtrack to a cinematic kidnapping scene . I discovered , upon the return of daylight , that the elderly lady below us was an avid collector of wind chimes and birdhouses , all proudly displayed in cramped , disorderly fashion on her back porch . These were not just cute " tinkling " wind chimes . No , some of them sounded like trash cans on strings . Others had larger pipes that rang with gong - like brassiness , and still others were wooden or bamboo that " ticked " and " tocked " unrythmically as they struck each other . Nestled into this cacophony was a miniature ghost town of birdhouses . Once cute country cottages , barns , and tiny apartment buildings , they were all beginning to succumb to fading paint , collapsing roofs , and mildew from Houston 's humidity . I eventually got used to the accompaniment , and even the unsettling sight of the birds ' neglected homes , but I never got used to the lady who stood outside with her collection and stared off into space . At first she would look like a statue . I would think I could sneak by her and she might not notice me before I could run up the stairs to the safety of my temporary black leather couch . It never failed , though , that as soon as I had just barely squeezed past her , she would call out to me in a feeble voice the most bizarre things . " The ducks don 't like me anymore ! " she said one day . The next it was , " Have you seen my friend ? He was supposed to be here tomorrow , and I 've been waiting ! " That was just the beginning . She eventually came out her front door and introduced herself to me , loudly announcing her first name and " I am bi - polar , I just thought you should know . " This became a daily ritual for me : walk past the creepy back porch , ignore her random outbursts , then again be loudly reminded of her name and that I should know she was bi - polar . Three months later , I had become a pro at dodging her . The area was blessed with lush foliage I could duck behind and around on my mission to avoid her . When her usual bi - polar announcement started leading into the command that I should trust Jesus , I started tossing rocks and sticks away from me to divert her attention . My couch - lending friend made fun of me for having a " new friend " and made sarcastic gestures such as leaving a camo shirt and face paint on my couch to aid with my " covert ops " he said . My final run in with the wind chime lady occurred about a month before I moved away from the black leather couch . I stepped out the front door to smoke a cigarette , and there she was . Standing at the bottom of our stairs , she had a nasty bruise on her face , was more disoriented than usual and was pacing back and forth calling out " Help me ! I need an ambulance ! " " Help me ! I need an ambulance ! " was all she would say . So I called 911 and helped her get into her apartment to sit down . Now , if I thought the musical back porch was creepy , going inside and letting the 911 dispatcher talk me through searching the apartment for any medications the paramedics needed to know about was a trip through a haunted house . Jesus was everywhere . Big pictures . Little pictures . framed ones , posters , tapestries , coffee mugs , throw pillows . . . Jesus ' eyes peered at me from every nook and cranny . Jesus with children . Jesus healing people . Jesus dying . And dying again . And . . . again . And Jesus weeping . Probably because he died . There were hymns playing on a small stereo in the corner , and because Mother Nature has a sense of humor , it was windy so the symphony of wind chimes kept picking up volume . I helped her sit down at the dining table , while she repeatedly reminded me to tell the doctors she was bi - polar . All of a sudden she declared at her usual volume that she needed to balance her checkbook . She pulled out all of her checks one by one , until they covered the table . Demanding I help her balance her checkbook , she proceeded to grab a green marker and scribble " 666 " all over all the checks . They stared in disbelief at the table of checks all bearing large foreboding " 666 " brands in green marker . A big smile spread across my face . Loud eerie wind chimes ? A Jesus memorabilia infestation and echoing hymns ? The " mark of the Devil " ? I freaking love my life ! And people question why I wanted to be a writer ? The world is full of crazy things and people just waiting to be documented . Hello Alone at Night audience . Thanks for visiting . I wanted to share a funny thing I 've noticed . One neat thing about using " Blogger " is that the blog administrators can see a lot of neat information about the visitors to the blog , such as which country the visitors are from , which posts people are looking at and even what search engine key words brought a visitor to the site . We 've noticed , that one of the most popular searche terms that bring people to Alone at Night are people searching for " voyeur " . It seems that a lot of visitors who happen across our page were probably a little disapointed by what they found . Sorry , guys and gals . There 's no porn here , only great scary stories . So , we may not have exactly what you ' r ' e looking for , but since you 're here anyway , you might as well read a story or two or even submit one of your own . However , since you 're so into voyeurisim , instead of being the one scared , I 'd guess your ' e doing the scaring . Creepers . = ) This happen to me a few months ago . . . it 's probably not as creepy as your stories but for me it was the scariest thing that ever happen . It 's also not a knocking on door story but nevertheless it 's real … So , I 'm Portuguese and I live in Lisbon . To get the thrill and , I must say , very stupidly , me and my friends use to go to a place near Lisbon which is call Serra de Sintra . If you googled it you can see that it is a very beautiful place … during the day . At night it can be a very dark and creepy place full of mysticism and strange stories . This is just the context . So , one night , me , my boyfriend , my sister and one of our male friends didn 't had anything to do , so we bought a few drinks , got in my boyfriend 's car and there we go . To get to the place we usually parked , we have to drive a long , dark road in the middle of the woods , for about 20 minutes . Once we got there is pretty much chill out , have a couples of drinks and of course beware of all the creepy noises we hear . So there we were , when suddenly a white van appears out of nowhere . This had happen once or twice before so , although it was a strange thing , it was not necessary to get out of there . Maybe they just wanted to ask for directions … But , in any case , my boyfriend gives me the bottle of wine and put himself in the position to drive off at any minute . But the van parks in a way that , if it moves a couple of feet , it could block our way out of there , since we had nothing but woods and trees behind us . By that time , my sister and I were pretty much freaked out , because that was an insolated place and it was like one in the morning . What the hell was that van doing there , parked almost right in front of us ? When the van suddenly turn the headlights on again it was time to get the hell out of there . My boyfriend turns on the car just in time to run . We thought that was over but then , as we go into the dark , one way road , we see the van coming right behind us with it 's maxima headlights on and in full speed . In this road , those who aren Posted by This happened to my friend 's mother several years back when we were about 15 - 16 . His folks had a nice house on a country road which was about half a mile from the main road . One night his mother is driving along this road which is really a track so you can 't drive very fast down it . This guy steps right out in front of the car so she has to stop and she sees he his wearing a balaclava and pointing a gun at her . She is frozen in fear and this guy jumps in the passenger seat and tells her to drive . He tells her not to look at him and keep her eyes on the road . When they get to the main road he makes her get out of the car and then drives off in the car . She is able to run into a nearby pub and raise the alarm . The police reckoned they were targeted because they had nice cars ( his mother had a white BMW ) . They also said it was unlikely the gun was real as it is not easy to get hold of handguns in the UK . She emerged unscathed but she must have thought it was game over when that guy jumped in the car . One more . . . I spent one year of college studying in France and my girlfriend over there had a series of alarming experiences . It started just before we started going out . She was walking across a parking lot one afternoon when it was raining and this car pulls up slowly alongside her . She ignores it and keeps walking realising there aren 't many people around . The driver winds down his window and calls out to her and she sees that he isn 't wearing anything below the waist . She runs off and he shouts at her that he 'll see her again . She reported it to the police who were really good about the whole thing . A few weeks after that she starts getting calls in her room at night where no - one speaks but she can hear someone is on the other end of the line . It happens a few times and kind of creeps her out . She 's not easily shaken either . She just reasons it out that since the phone numbers are sequence by room , anyone can figure out which rooms have girls in and make a nuisance of themselves . None of the calls happen on nights IPosted by I remembered a few more of these that happened to me and to people I knew . This one happened when I went to visit a friend and his GF and one of her friends . We went out for drinks and dinner one Saturday night and on getting back , I crashed in the lounge with the other girl and my friend and his gf went up to bed . No big deal . The next morning the neighbour knocks at the door to ask if everything is OK . We are all a little hungover and wonder if we made some noise on the way home and he is politely letting us know . It was something else entirely . At about 1am , this guy 's wife had woken him up saying she was sure she could hear someone outside . So he gets up , looks out of the window and can see a guy in the front garden . It was Spring time so not that warm but this guy is just wearing a t - shirt and combat pants . So the neighbour puts the light in the room on , opens the window and asks the guy what he wants . The guy just stares up at him , doesn 't answer and then casually walks off . They decide he is a drunk who got lost on the way back from the pub or a party and go back to bed . The husband is still a little edgy and can 't sleep . A couple of hours later he decides to go down and have a look around , check the doors again etc . Everything is ok and he decides to have a quick look up and down the street . It all looks clear and he is about to go back inside when he happens to look up . He sees the guy . He has climbed up on the porch of my friend 's place and is crouching staring through their bedroom window . The neighbour can 't believe what he is seeing and just watches for a few seconds and then yells up at him . They guy is startled and half jumps / half falls off the porch and runs off . We called the police and they came to have a look at the porch but didn 't find anything . Needless to say , my friend 's GF was hugely creeped out by this guy watching them sleep . They were only renting that place and after the incident they did not stay there all that long . I always wondered what that guy was doing for the time between the Oh , and let this be a lesson to us all . Look out for your family , friend , and neighbors . Take care of one another and the world will be a better place . Batsu Me and my bf were at a concert in Dublin the other night and we stayed in a lovely hotel , with the recession you can get them cheap so anyways we came back from the concert , Bryan Adams - epic ! , and I had a good few scoops in me but my bf was sober as a judge cuz he was working the next morning . When we got back to the room I was dying for a fag after a while and was too lazy to walk all the way down and out the front door so I slid the window right up and stuck the head out for a smoke but forgot to close the window . . dun dun dun only joking this is actually true : D Went to sleep anyways , himself was fast asleep already and I was half cut so forgot about the window . I woke a couple of hours later to go to the loo and while I was in there I could hear noises just noises could of been anything but not normal at that time of the morning so i ran back to the bed like a hot snot and shoved the boyfriend to wake him up . He turned around and said what are you waking me up for ? and why the * beep * are you rubbimg my feet ? It wasn 't me rubbing his feet nor was it me crawling around the floor of our hotel room it was some freak who had climbed through the window . Himself gets up and starts screaming like a madman , I rang reception and the Gardai were called , it 's actually quite funny I had startled him the feckin ' eejit by getting up so he had hid round the side of the bed and the stupid twat had put his hands on the bed to guide him round and was rubbing off the bf 's feet other than that we would have been sleeping pretty none the wiser ! He was out to rob but unless he was gonna sell the fillings out of my teeth he would have been sorely dissappointed ! Hello all you fright fans , fear fanatics , freaky . . . . um . . . freaks ! I 'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to a loyal Alone at Night follower - - Lexie . She 's begun her own business , selling her custom artwork , and greeting cards . She does invites for weddings , baby showers , or get well soon cards , thank you cards , customized stationary . She also sells some really rad art including some steampunk stuff . Please take a moment to check out her website at www . Allybstudio . com . She is also on Etsy . com Just go to etsy . com and search for " Ally B Studio " . Reading all of these brought to mind something I dealt with quite some time ago . . . I was staying at my aunt / uncles home , dog sitting ( a black and tan coonhound named Rover , I joke not ) . Anyway , they had a U - shaped driveway inundated with bushy plants all over and a wood gated front patio area . I had been watching videos ( way back when VHS was all we had ) and decided I wanted a root beer , so I went out to the detached garage where the extra fridge was and took the dog with me . I grabbed a couple of cans and as I was going back in I heard " HEY ! " right in the bushes near the inside of the gate , my heart stopped for a moment and I was seriously freaked . I grabbed the dog , dropped the cans of soda , ran into the house , slammed and locked the front door . I headed straight for their bedroom cause I knew my uncle had a shotgun so I grabbed it , knowing he kept it armed and went back to the front . I decided to look out the huge picture window at the front , to make sure whoever I heard wasn 't at the front door before I opened it . Of course , I think he saw the gun and took off cause by the time I opened the front door the front gate was open and it hadn 't been when I looked out the window . I freaked worse cause I heard the sound of what was at least two people outside the gate in the bushes that bordered the neighbors house and yelled for the neighbor , an older man who was good friends with my uncle / aunt , he was also Vietnam Vet like my uncle so there was a bond . Well , he came out with a big handheld search lights , with his son next to him carrying a machete ( no joke , again ) . . . whoever these guys were they took off running , and I mean running . The cops basically said they 'd patrol throughout the night , I don 't know if they did ( this was in a town where the cops were decent ) , but I hope so . They couldn 't look for anyone , cause I never saw anyone . The dog barking during this whole ordeal , like a coonhound does . He stayed by me that whole night , we found a padlock for the gate . . . putting it on without locking it , kept the outside Aloneinthenight I was 17 years old and on a family vacation in Berlin , Germany several years ago , and we were getting ready for bed in our hotel rooms . Normally I , my parents , and my siblings stay in one room , but for fire hazard reasons , this hotel didn 't allow for 6 people to sleep in the same room . So my parents and little brother stayed in one room , and my brother , sister and I stayed in the adjacent hotel room next to theirs . I was fast asleep , but around 2 am , I was awakened by the sound of our doorknob jiggling as if someone were trying to come in . I just ignored the sound and tried to fall back asleep , but I was clearly shaken up and covered in sweat . I convinced myself that I had merely imagined it , but sure enough the jiggling on the door handle persisted again , debunking any of my imagination . I didn 't know what to do because I was in a foreign country , my siblings were asleep , and I feared that waking them up would draw attention to us . I didn 't know how to operate the room phone to call the front desk nor could I speak any German , and my parents were in the other room . I coaxed my older brother to wake up , but he didn 't believe me . I can remember how utterly helpless I felt when this was all going on ; it was like in the movies when everyone around you is skeptical of something that you heard . I remember there were very loud helicopters overhead for some reason , and I remember how I was sweating and burning up underneath the covers . I eventually fell back asleep and everything was fine the next morning . Luckily we stayed at a hotel in another town the next day so I never slept in that room again , but I never found out who that was trying to get in our hotel room that night . Freaky . I just recently moved to Los Angeles from New York , so I 'm accustomed to high crime rates and people trying to break in , etc . Anyway , I was at my apartment alone . I have two roommates and it was a Friday night . I had decided to come home early from a party because everyone was getting drunk . It was around 2a . m . The apartment complex I live in is pretty nice . It 's not crime - ridden or run down . I like it . Anyway , I was trying to finish up some weekend homework when I hear a really LOUD knocking from the door . Seeing as I had friends that were out drunk , I didn 't think twice . I called out , " Hold on ! " because I was in the back room furthest from the door . When I got there , I opened the door and there was no one there . The silence was haunting . I 've never encountered a silence like that before in my entire life . My stomach literally turned to ice water . I immediately shut the door and locked it up . I stayed in the living room ( where the front door was ) so I could make sure no one knocked again . Somewhere between 2 and 3 I dozed off , but I was startled awake by muffled voices . I remember this really low voice that seemed right beside my ear . I jolted awake and I realized no one was in my apartment - - they were standing right outside . I looked over to a large sliding glass door we have ( that leads out into the back quarters of the complex ) and there were two figures that were shadowed in the porch light . It was incredibly frightening . I knew they weren 't my roommates because the voices were so different . Needless to say , I freaked and called security and they came and found no one but they did find that my door frame had been worn down because whoever it was really wanted inside . This one happened when I was about 10 or 11 . We visited my mother 's side of the family in Pennsylvania almost every summer . She is from a small town northeast of Oil City so since this is in a national forest , it is pretty much woods all around . Anyway , my brother and me and my cousin went to a carnival the night before we were to go home . When we got back to my uncle 's house it was well after dark . They have a reasonable sized back yard , but of course nothing but forest beyond . In the back corner of the yard my cousin 's dog is tied up under a light . He is barking like crazy and from beyond the edge of the woods we hear this screaming that didn 't sound at all like a hurt animal or even a human . It was the scariest , creepiest sound I have ever heard before or since . It scared everyone . This was almost 30 years ago and to this day , if I think of it , it still creeps me out . No one ever found out what it was that was making that sound . Okay , so you won 't actually win a prize . I don 't make any money off this site , so I don 't have anything to offer you . However , you will win my undying graditude and I think that is worth a lot . So , please , we 're slowly dying of thirst here . We need YOUR story ! Scary , creepy , spooky , or even funny , we want all your true horror stories . If just 1 % of our weekly visitors submited a story we 'd be doing great . But as it is we hardly get one story a week these days . A lot of the stories you see here were gathered from disperate sources across the internets , and combined in a single space to make it eaiser for you to read some great scary stories . However , this takes a lot of time that we just don 't have . It 's quicker , and more fun if the stories come from YOU our audience . This happened in the fall of 2004 . I was living with my sister , and another male roommate , R , at the time in a little apartment . We had all just moved in about 2 weeks ago . These were semi - upscale units , gated community , supposedly patrolled 24 hours a day . . . Anyhow , it was a weeknight . I got home from work later than normal , and decided to watch a movie with the roomies while eating some leftover supper . It was about 11 : 30 when I got home . Sis and I fall asleep in the living room . I am awakened by a very loud pounding and screaming at the door . It 's a girl 's voice , crying her head off , screaming for help . Sis is awake now , too , and R has just wandered in . Stupid me , I decided to open the door . This girl was in her nightgown with a blanket wrapped around her , no shoes , her face soaked with tears . " Help me , please . Can I come inside ? " She asks . She seems harmless enough . Come on , she 's wearing a damn nightgown , and it is cold outside . " Is everything ok ? I ask . " No ! There 's a man in my apartment ! I got scared , so I ran out . I live by myself and I just moved in . I don 't have my phone yet , so I went around to the neighbors for help , and no one would open the door except for you guys . Can I use your phone ? " I hand her the cordless , assuming that she 's going to call the cops . She thanks me . Then , she takes the phone outside , and around the corner to talk . For 15 . * beep * Minutes . Then , she comes back with the phone , and thanks me again . R offers to check out her place for her , and grabs his baseball bat . She thinks it 's a good idea not to go in alone . So , what the hell , we all go . Her apartment is around the corner from ours . We go in her place , and she has to unlock the front door to get in . R checks the other windows , and they are all locked , except for the sliding glass door in her bedroom , which is wide open . We turn on all the lights and wait in the front room while he checks the place . There 's no one there . So , she figures he must 've gotten in and out through the sliding door , which would seem totally logical if it weren 't 3 floors up . Anyway , as soon as R said it was all clear , the girl was just like , " Oh , well . Thank you SO much ! I 'm gonna go to sleep , now . Good night ! " Sis looks aThe man was very solemn , but the girl had a ten - mile grin the whole time , and it just scared the * beep * * beep * out of me . That was November , and we moved out in January , and she never did come back . Thank hell . ( Hello Alone at Night visitors . Our new book is alive ! It 's available on Amazon . I love to ride my bike along the country roads of a . . . This happened to me about 12 years ago when I was 10 . Still to this day it creeps me out . Down the road from my house is a petrol station . I . . . Hello , Alone at Night Scary Stories fans . Big news . You can read more about Alone at Night 's Patreon account here . Alone at Night h . . . Hello , Alone at Night fans . We 're still waiting for our first Patreon contributor . Will it be you ? If you enjoy the content that Alon . . .

16 . Adopt - A - Spirit . . . by Alec Logan Prentice 17 . Cut Across Shorty : Some Spirited Tales . . . by " Shorty " 18 . Cries Well Up in the Night . . . by Richard Chavez 19 . Dances With Wolves . . . by Robert Coody 20 . Have Ghost , Will Travel . . . by Joanne 21 . In the Heart of Richmond . . . by Patrick Sullivan 22 . Spirit Rising to the Heart . . . by Denise Bashir 23 . Trailer for Sale or Rend . . . by Cindi 24 . Pace of the Rock . . . by Bob Hansen 25 . Trapped , But Not Forgotten . . . by Christopher J . Davis Adopt - A - Spirit by Alec Logan Prentice Late last summer ( 1996 ) , my girlfriend , myself , her twin sister and her twin 's boyfriend were playing around in a local cemetery . We decided it would be interesting to see what would happen if we used a Ouija board . We had all used the Ouija board before and had moderate success with it . But the board really seemed to come alive when my girlfriend 's twin sister was using it . This time in the graveyard was no different . It took a little while for the board to warm up to us , but when it did we were flooded with inquires . The first contact was a little rude . The spirits did not seem all that happy about being disturbed by four annoying , living people . But after the initial resentment was over , we were approached by a person ( entity ) going by the name of Terry . We started out by asking how old Terry was , and found out that she was seven years old and had died in the mid - 1940 's . We later asked Terry why she was still around and she answered that she was still in search of her mother , whom she missed very deeply . At this point the psychic twin began feeling paranoid and a bit uncomfortable , so we decided to break the connection . We later found out that we did not break the connection as well as we had believed . For to this day , it seems as though Terry decided to adopt her and the rest of us as sort of a replacement family . Every time we use the Ouija board , she always comes to visit us . Just as a side note , my girlfriend and I went back to the cemetery to see if we could find Terry 's " final " resting place . It took us about thirty minutes , the cemetery was quite large , but we finally found Terry 's small grave . Cut Across Shorty : Some Spirited Tales by " Shorty " Our family has encountered many supernatural occurrences . The oldest dates back to when my grandfather moved his family to Woodbridge , Virginia . The house he bought was haunted . It started the day he moved in . My grandfather came first to get everything situated . That was when everything began to happen . It started with the dooMy sister and I were very interested in the Ouija board . So , We borrowed a friend 's board . At first we were skeptical about it actually working . We said our prayers , and with two friends and only candle light , we contacted the spirit world . We contacted a spirit with the initials " E . D . F . " He played with us for a while and joked around with us . His favorite answer to the question " why ? " would always be " because . " After a while , he became serious . His predictions were very strange at first , but now some have come true . He predicted my sister having a baby girl . He told us things only one of us would know . Being the curious people we are , we asked for proof that he was indeed in our presence . He told us he would make things happen but to go to our furnace . The same time he was telling us to do this , my sister for no reason went to our furnace . We heard a scream and she came running back to us . We asked if she saw anything , but she said she hadn 't . She didn 't know why she screamed . E . D . F then told us to go into the attic . He said he was in our attic . None of us were brave enough to go . We told him to stomp three times on the floor above our head . We waited only seconds before we heard three distinct thumps . We told him to do it again . We heard three thumps again . We blew out the candles and ran to our beds . That wasn 't the last of our friend E . D . F . He enjoyed to make noises and visit us in the night . I slept with my bedroom window open . And one night , I started to hear things outside . I would look out and find nothing . The noises persisted for three weeks and were scaring me . So , I had some male friends sleep near my window for two nights and see if someone was window - watching at night . The noises and presence still occurred , but no one was seen near my window . I started to think it was my imagination , but my sister heard the same noises . We had a friend with a gun . He brought it over one day . We put it in my room and I locked my bedroom door . Before he left , he was going to show me how to use it . But when we opened Back in my old hometown , Seguin , Texas . I was told by somebody that years ago , a boy fell down a well and died . That well was right across the street in front of my house . It stood next to an old broken - down windmill in a small group of trees . At night , knockings could be heard . The boys body was never found so the well was filled up with soil . Those knockings were the sounds of the boy desperately trying to escape ! One night as I lay half awake , I heard a voice call out of the night saying , " HELP ME , HELP ME ! " I got up startled . I quickly ran to my brother asking if he had heard it . He was asleep . Then my sister came to me from the other room saying she heard it too . The voice called out again , but my sister looked out the window at the direction where the voice came from and there was nothing there . That was the only time we heard it . The voice had the voice of a cat and spoke in a shaky voice . I get the creeps every time I hear stories about people falling down wells , but to be buried alive ! Gives me the shivers ! Thanks for the creepy story ! And of all things , I 'm editing this story after midnight ! ! Yikes , I think I just heard something ! Where 's that other wall switch ! ! Dances With Wolves by Robert Coody Hailing From : Flagstaff , Arizona rac @ nauvax . ucc . nau . edu Where the Spooky Event Occurred : Near Navajo Reservation I have shared enough ghost stories about Corona and now it is time to tell some recent ones . When I left Corona for my new home in Flagstaff , Arizona , I began to explore the countryside for new adventures . I have been doing this for about 23 years here , and have become relatively familiar with the Black Sand country and the Painted Desert located around Flagstaff . Many of the areas have become ruined or overdeveloped these last few years - - and so I have sought other areas that are more remote , to explore . The more remote , then the spookier the area becomes . In many of these remote areas the land is barren , devoid of visible life - - almost a feeling that you shouldn 't be there at all . Other areas which are forested appear never to have seen a human being for over a hundred years or more . These are dark , lonely areas where the life of the developed areas has retreated to safety , and where human beings are perhaps now considered part of the food chain . It was during one of my lonely treks , which I so often do on my time off , that I ventured too close to a sacred area . It was approaching evening , and as was my custom , I settled down in a fine volcanic sand to start a fire . I soon had a meal cooking and was enjoying a warm cup of coffee . It was now dark and I was laying back looking at the stars , enjoying the silence of the land , and feeling relaxed after a good day of hiking . I was feeling satisfied to be out of the rat race . After maybe an hour of this rest , I heard footsteps , they were human steps coming in my direction . So much for my peace , but as was my custom , I called out and offered a cup of coffee . The footsteps stopped and were replaced by a howling dog , a sound which resembled a coyote wail and a dog in pain . It was the scariest sound I had ever heard and was only forty feet away in the dark . I was chilled to the bone with fright or adrenaline . I quickly covered my fire after packing up my equipment and hiked in the dark towarHave Ghost , Will Travel We have a ghost . From her voice I would say she is a young girl . Could any more experienced " GhosTees " tell us how to find out her name ? She seems to want to keep company with my 16 year old granddaughter , but all members of the family have had encounters with her . Including my very skeptical son - in law . She also went to great lengths to help the cats in our house . So much for the theory " cats and ghosts don 't mix . " Please E - mail us if you can suggest a method to find her name . Also , we are moving soon and would like her to come with us . Any suggestions ? OK , Ghost Tale - Busters ! Here is your chance . Send a suggestion to joeycat and cc our webmaster mailbox here - - and I will post some of the better suggestions for others to read . Who knows what might happen ? Porta - Ghost , here we come ! In the Heart of Richmond by Patrick Sullivan Hailing From : Arlington , VA kepie @ erols . com Where the Spooky Event Occurred : Richmond , VA IF you believe in ghosts , then it 's not too much of a stretch to believe that there are people with a knack or talent for perceiving and communicating with them . I am one such person . In 1992 , I moved to Richmond , VA . I moved into an old Civil - War Era row house in the heart of the city . I knew from the beginning that there was something unusual about the house , but it took more than a year to uncover what it was . My roommates and I would often feel a " presence " in the house . Like there was always something watching us . One night I was sitting in the kitchen / den and talking with my roommate Josh . For some reason my attention was continually drawn to a corner of the room by the back door . Josh happened to be sitting on a couch next to the back door . When he turned to see what I kept looking at he did a double - take ( Josh can be as sensitive to things as I am ) . Afterwards , he said that he had definitely seen something there . He couldn 't describe a definite shape or even color . . . but he had seen something ! From that point on I started seeing the apparition as well . It was like a mist , or sometimes just a difference in the air itself . I could feel the energy of something living ( or once living as the case may be ) in the places it would appear . The more often I concentrated on it the more defined the figure became . It was like it depended on us and our attention before it could turn into something substantial . Eventually , it resolved itself into the form of a young girl about 16 years of age . She wore clothing typical of the civil war period . I spoke to her , with my voice , my mind and my heart . And finally , contact was made ! She was relieved as I was . She explained that it had been some 15 or 20 years since someone had acknowledged her presence , much less spoken to her . Her name was Angela and she had died in that house . She would never tell me how she died . She knew what she was ( a ghosby Denise Bashir Where the Spooky Event Occurred : My Grandmother 's House It all started in about July of ' 91 when my grandmother became very ill . She had cancer and became progressively worse . At that time I lived in Sarnia , Ontario and was on my way to visit her in the hospital as she was dying . At the time I was 3 months pregnant . As I entered the hospital my mom and aunt were in the hallway . They told me , " She doesn 't remember anything . " I peeked my head into the room as she lay facing the wall and all of a sudden she said , " Denise come in I have been waiting for you . " So I went in . She did not know I was pregnant . Then she looked up at me , put her hand on my stomach and said , " Everything will be okay . " We were all very surprised at that . Then the doctor came in and gave us permission to take her home to die . She wanted to die in her bed and to see her dog . So at her request , that is what we did . As the ambulance took her into the house she was breathing heavily and in pain from the cancer that was within her eating her away quickly . As we got her in her own bed the ambulance drivers said that it could be any time for her . We all gathered around her and her dog licked her hand and cried . As we were watching , she took a big sigh and said , " What is my dad doing sitting there and why is Ray my brother in law beside him sitting with him ? " ( One of these people mentioned are dead - - the other was alive but was not there . ) My grandmother said to her Dad , " Do not take him he must stay here and be with his family . " This puzzled all of us . She then looked around and a tear fell from her eye as she breathed her last breath . It was then that the most surprising thing happened , we saw her spirit rising from her body and it was hovering over my mother . My aunt yelled to my mother to leave the room because she was afraid about anything happening with the spirit . Then all of a sudden she left with a mist - like presence . Afterward , they did the necessary things to her and took her back to the hospital . Now here is the weirder part . My grandmothby Cindi Where the Spooky Event Occurred : Panama City , Florida It started when my husband , sister , daughter and I moved into a trailer in Panama City . My daughter was visiting her father in Atlanta at the time the occurrences began . My sister was rarely at home , so she didn 't believe our stories until they began happening to her too . The weird things started mildly . We would hear footsteps coming down the hall , but nobody would be home except for us . Dark shadows appearing in our bedroom door while we were the only ones in the trailer . Then " Henry " ( what we named our ghost ) would turn the air conditioner down to 50 degrees in the middle of the night . We would wake up freezing and blaming each other for doing it . One night I stayed up late just to see if it was my husband , but he never got up and I never took my eyes off of the thermostat . It was at 50 degrees again . I decided to try reasoning with Henry . I asked him to stop doing it because our bill was extremely high . IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN ! He decided to get attention in other ways . He would turn on the water in the kitchen when we were in the living room . It happened to me first , and no one believed me until he did it to my husband . I again asked him to stop and he did . He began to open all the windows in the house when we were not at home . We would come home and find every window open and both doors open . Obviously , that wasn 't good , so I again asked him to stop , and he did . My daughter came home and he would play games with her too . He would turn lights on and off in front of her . Which scared her to death , and he would stomp up and down the hall between our rooms all night long . It was getting scary to me also . Then my sister woke up with her bed shaking one night . On another night she had come home and was alone in the trailer . As she shut the front door she heard the back door slam open . Yet nobody was there . On another occasion we were driving down the street to the trailer , and my husband saw a man standing at the back door with it wide open . He jumped out of oPace of the Rock by Bob Hansen Hailing From : Chicago , IL Where the Spooky Event Occurred : Chicago , IL I have been haunted by a ghost that throws rocks at me whenever I enter my house . The strange thing is that the rocks hurt on impact , but I do not hear or see them after they hit me - - that is , they simply disappear and do not hit the floor . People in the neighborhood who know about the house say that some trouble making kid was killed in the house by unknown causes . They remember him because he liked to toss rocks at houses , not to break windows , but to make people think that they had squirrels on their roofs or in their walls ( most of the houses here are of frame construction ) . Trapped , But Not Forgotten by Christopher J . Davis Hailing From : Ceresco , NE Siskokid1 @ aol . com Where the Spooky Event Occurred : A Storm Sewer I swear that this actually happened . This event took place one the day after I graduated from 8th grade here in Lincoln , NE . Around my school we have a system of sewer drains that crisscross under the school and into the surrounding neighborhood . My friends and I decided to go down and find " HoboTown , " a frequent meeting place for kids in the area . We didn 't find HoboTown but we did find something , or I should say someone else . The entrance was about five feet tall and about eight feet wide . So of course we had to duck to walk around in there . The space was cool and damp compared to the surrounding area , considering that it was about ninety degrees outside we were happy to be any place cooler . The tunnel ( I call it that because there is no other way to describe it ) was almost four miles long and reasonably free of debris . We had a big torch lantern that was borrowed from someone in the group that lit about fifty yards of the tunnel . The little flashlights we had were almost no match for the darkness that occurs when you are ten feet underground encased in a vault of concrete . We would walk and talk just to keep the place from seeming scary . Boy did that place seem scary . The lantern cast shadows all over the place and the fact that we were walking all hunched over didn 't help matters . We walked into the tunnel for about a mile and then we noticed that the walls were different . Not the clean concrete walls that we had seen up until then , they had become broken and cracked and in some places had caved in left huge craters in the bottom of the floor . At this point the tunnel opened up larger and we were finally able to walk upright , but that didn 't stop us from being edgy . We knew that if something happened we would have to run hunched over for about a mile to get out of there . Abruptly the air grew cold , by that I mean cold . We were just walking along and then in the course oby L . Mather & Cousin Tim Okay everybody , prepare to be scared . This is a GREAT story . It might sound lame at first , but stick with it , I won 't let you down . By the way , it 's actually is true . My cousin Tim told me about this one . Here goes - - we call it " Thrill Seekers . " Tim saw one of his old high school friends for the first time since 12th grade . They talked about what was going on in their lives . It turns out Tim 's friend had been investigating " haunted houses " in nearby towns . He would assemble a group of guys and visit old houses that had spooky histories . Tim would ask around if anything ever happened , and a friend told about a few houses with particularly gruesome histories . One house was owned by a mad man who lived with his twin daughters . The legend says he murdered them one night in some kind of bizarre ceremony . This particular house was out in the woods , isolated and creepy to say the least . Tim 's friend decided to go there and check it out . The place was creepy , but nothing the guys hadn 't seen before . The guys broke a basement window and climbed into the old house . It was filthy , ugly and eerie , just what the guys got off on ! They soon found a small room and set up their stuff . The room was empty except for a huge mirror on the wall and an old arm chair . As was their usual practice , they started playing around with the Ouija board and were startled when they actually got a response . Assuming some one of the guys was just trying to freak everybody out , Tim 's friend started taunting the " spirit " of the board . This was better than fabulous ! Tim 's friend laughed as he walked through the house to the back door . Even though he knew better , he almost believed that there would be something there , waiting for him in the dark . Maybe a ghost , or a gruesome monster . The door was small but heavy and hard to open . It probably hadn 't been opened in decades . Tim 's friend jerked the door open and stared out into the night . He didn 't see anything . He closed the door and walked back to the small room - - as he was sitting down he realized how fast his heart was beating . He glanced over at the Ouija board and then at his friends . I have to tell ya , I normally reserve these for the " Tales " Library , but in this case since it is in the spirit of the season , I " let it in " ( ooops , what did I really let in ! ! ! Did you hear that ? ? Look behind you ! Are the lights out ? Did you see something move ? I heard footsteps - - they 're coming closer ! ! ) . Our home was broken into in May of this year ( 1998 ) , but the story begins ( and in no way ends ) on the night before the break - in . Several unusual events took place that evening which I believe were a warning that my home was about to be burglarized . We have a security light on the back porch of our home which is located on an interior wall of the porch facing the porch door and the stairs leading out to our back yard . The light operates by body heat , which is how it detects motion . It only comes on if a person or small animal climbs the stairs at night , and has only been set off by neighborhood cats in the past . We also have a dog , who lives for such moments . On this particular evening the light came on four times as I sat on a couch with a clear view to the stairs . I expected to see a cat , but each time I looked nothing was there . I sent my son to look out into the yard , but again there was nothing . Later that night my wife went to bed and I decided to stay up and watch television . She shut off the lights in the kitchen and living room before going upstairs to bed . Approximately 10 minutes later I heard the click of a switch as the kitchen light came on . I got up , turned it off and returned to the couch thinking it strange , but I thought little more of it . The next day our home was broken into through a sliding glass door which adjoins the porch . Now while this story is a little odd , but isn 't really all that much in and of itself . The reason I mention it is because of the events which would take place a couple of months later . Several times after this incident I thought I felt a friendly and calming presence throughout my home , but nothing out of the ordinary had occurred to confirm these feelings . Then , one Wednesday night after my children were in bed I sat at the kitchen table talking with my wife . We had a couple of beers and were relaxed , but not drunk . We were discussing my work situation and I explained to her my need to find a new career , as I no longer enjoyed my current line of work and had been experiencing a minor crisis in my life because of it . The dilemma was not only how to go about identifying the type of work to seek , but also how to accomplish the same on a limited budget - - and because of it I was feeling a little depressed and frustrated . In trying to explain what seemed to be the hopelessness of the situation , I told her that sometimes the whole thing just made me want to give up and quit trying . Not in a suicidal way , in the sense that I just wanted to crawl under a rock and go to sleep sort of way . She misinterpreted the joist of the message and thought I was referring to our marriage , at which point she silently stormed out of the room and went upstairs to bed . You can imagine how much better THAT made me feel . I want you to know this was a brand new experience for me ! I had never seen an apparition before and have not had it happen again since that night . When he appeared to me he was the last thing on my mind ( meaning I hadn 't been thinking about him at all before his appearance ) . My friend sat down in the chair to my left and gave me the warmest smile I 've ever seen . Although his body and head were translucent in appearance , his facial features were very clear - - as if he were there in person . I felt nothing but love emanating from him and even though he never spoke , that smile was communicating his love to me . I was stunned by his appearance but felt no fear whatsoever . I can only describe it as a feeling of warmth and the familiar feeling of joy you get when you 're with a close friend . I looked at him for a moment and just said , " Hi Ricky , how 're you doing ? " His face continued to shine brightly and although he never spoke , there was no need to . I looked away for no more than a second and when I looked back he had moved to a seat at the far end of the table . I watched as he slowly began to fade away and after a few seconds I could no longer see him . I sat there for about 10 more minutes , smoked a cigarette and pondered this most amazing thing that had just happened to me . I wondered why he had moved to the end of the table like that , and it wasn 't until the next day that I remembered the last chair was beneath a portrait of two baby angels known as " The First Kiss . " I believe it was my friend Ricky who turned the lights on in my home and had tried to warn me of the burglary that was about to take place . Although I failed to understand his warning at the time , you can rest assured if it ever happens again I 'll be paying close attention ! I 'd also like to add that I swear to God every word I 've written here is true and I no longer have any fears or doubts about life after death . And I want to thank you for the opportunity to tell my story . Dan , thanks for sharing your personal experience . ( Dan mentioned in separate email the dilemma of calling these submittals , " Ghost Stories . " While it is the only way we have to refer to them in a catagorical sense , it is true that by calling them stories it seems to suggest that they are not factual . But I would like to say that while this is the only term we have ( ok , we could use " encounters " or " paranormal " - - but I think those terms would make us look like a sideshow and not what we are about ) , our goal is to present a truer and more personal type of site - - one that has nothing at all to do with hype or gore or shock value , but a place in this universe where people can completely open up and share their personal experiences - - and by doing so lend deeper meanings to what makes Ghostories " tick . " That is the essense of what sets us apart from the other " spook " sites . . . well , that and my pitiful attempts at comic relief so that you can all go to bed with a chuckle after being scared out of your wits and not have to keep the lights on for the next week or two ! ) . Now , let me see , where were we ? We were talking about Friends . Dan , do you know how many times in my life I have had people call me their lifelong friend - - some have even called me " brother " - - only to have them fall away after a while and never hear from them ? I used to think friendship was a rare jewel - - but as I get older , I think it is a lost art . Our world moves so fast and is so impersonal these days , that even close friends lose touch and if something happens they don 't have the time to understand , they just simply drift away or write others off as if it were an item on the menu they no longer wish to order . Many I have found have been hypnotized by the lure of false gold , and someday I am sure we 'll have the chance to cover those kind of stories . I believe that as the months roll on you will find even deeper meanings in why your friend came to visit . His selection of " another chair " may have a lot to do with the painting of the angels , but I believe he was trying to also help you in finding " another chair " in your life 's work . Speaking as someone who has made the transition from one career to another ( and I still consult in my old career ) , you must look deep inside yourself and ask the thousand questions about what it is you would LOVE to do ( work that seems more like play than work ) and then assess your individual strengths - - one at a time , like baby steps ( remember , everything is easier when we break it down into " bite sizes " ) - - and then match new career possiblities with your abilities . You will be utterly amazed at what you 'll find . There are organizations who offer to help you do this , but I believe you can do it on your own if you put your mind to it ( I 'll warn all my readers to steer clear of the so - called " career seminars " - - there are a lot of bogus ones out there preying on just these kind of situations - - to see what I mean , just look at your " junk email " ) . Ricky may ( and probably will ) come back again someday , and when he does , let us know . Think deep about what he might have suggested that you do , and then consider the possibilities on your own . I believe you are about to enter a new chapter in your life . Regarding the burglary ? From my humble vantage point I think it possible he was there to warn you , but I also believe that he is there in your life for another more powerful reason . Let us know what that is when it comes to pass , ok ? And thanks again - - these very personal encounters underscore what Ghostories is all about . Recently my boyfriend and I purchased my grandparent 's old house . We have been renovating , and because of this I took some pictures showing our progress . Many showed absolutely nothing , but several were downright creepy . The most dramatic picture shows a white form below our lights that seems to be moving towards the door . The second picture is of the pull out ironing board . There seems to be an old fashioned handle below the existing knob handle - - and right below that is a form that appears to be a chain or decoration of some sort . ( These are the only cabinets left in the house that I have not sanded down to wood , so I have yet to see if there are any holes in the wood below the knobs . I will let you know about this . ) Both pictures were on a roll with several other pictures from around the house . Many of the other pictures show large and small dots of light scattered throughout each picture . The spots are not consistent from picture to picture , so dust is probably not to blame . I have since checked the lens and it is totally clean . I have not used the camera nor cleaned it since these pictures were taken . Now here is a little background about the house : We believe the house was built around the turn of the century and it sits in a rather old part of town . We know that of the people who owned the house before my grandparents that one is alive and one is passed on ( which possibly occurred in this house ) . Overall , there is no overwhelmingly odd feeling about the house . There were times , especially after we first moved in that I felt I was being watched , but dismissed this feeling as paranoia . As a child the basement always terrified me and the rest of my sisters , but we were young and excitable . I also avoided the back bedrooms as they had the same feeling . We do not know the previous owners nor have we learned what year that the house was built ( despite research from the title company that processed the title for the home ) . There are only two incidents that happened inside the house to speak of - - not including the regular turning off and on of our touch lamp . There are three levels of light , and it always goes through each level and turns off . We at first thought it was just the vibrations of trucks passing by or a bad outlet , but it happens wherever we move it and there usually isn 't anyone around it . It is as if something is trying to tell us it is here but doesn 't want to bother us . The first convincing event happened when our toilet overflowed ( clean water ) onto a rug in the bathroom . I hung it up on the shower curtain rod to drip off for a while . For the rest of the evening , every time I entered the bathroom I found the rug in the bathtub . The first time I assumed it had just fallen off as I may have hung it crooked . I replaced it making sure that it was even and would not fall again . Later when I returned it was in the bath tub . Each time , the rug was in a different spot in the bathtub . Once it was two feet to the left of where I had hung it on the rod . This happened two or three more times until I went downstairs to yell at my boyfriend for throwing it in the bathtub . He said he had not even used the bathroom for the last few hours . We both found the incident a little disturbing , but not frightening . The next incident was a little spookier . I was home alone late at night . My boyfriend works third shift , so he was gone . My dog was following me from task to task barking and constantly wanting to play while I was doing my chores in the kitchen . The helium balloon my boyfriend had floated lazily in up in a corner - - and there was not much air movement in the room . Our ceilings are taller than usual , so the balloon was pretty high up . My dog had never paid much attention to it besides when we were trying to get him to play with it - - but mostly he had shown no interest over the course of the last week or so . Finished with my chores , I finally sat down at the kitchen table to relax and have a smoke when the dog started barking madly at the balloon . I was trying to calm him but he wouldn 't have it . Then , slowly the balloon started to move away from the ceiling down and towards the dog . This made me laugh a little as I expected a small draft ( although all of the windows were closed ) . My laughter changed quickly when the balloon followed my dog , who by this time was barking madly and slowly backing up and away from it , through the length of the kitchen . It moved down a few feet through the doorway , then glided back up towards the ceiling , through the dining room , around the ceiling light , back down a few feet through the doorway into the living room and back up - - all the while moving stealthily towards the dog . A couple of days later , a friend and I decided to pull out the old Ouija ( I know , it was pretty stupid . I only did it once as I learned my lesson about them a long time ago . Maybe I 'll tell you all that story sometime , but right now it 's still a little too scary to think about ) . As we played with the board , there was a spirit - - it said it was female . It said that it did not like the dog . Here 's the really spooky part . It kept saying " the rug . " It took me a few tries till I figured out what it was talking about . I then asked it if it had thrown it in the bathtub . It said yes , and " it was dirty . " After I learned what I wanted to know I threw it to the side and haven 't attempted it again since then . A week ago we went to South Carolina for a vacation and had a friend watch the house . I had told him a couple of things had happened , but not to worry . It wasn 't a mean spirit . Anyway , he and three of his friends were watching a movie . The CD player and receiver ( set to CD ) were on but turned all the way down . All of a sudden , the television got fuzzy , the touch lamp kept switching off and on and the stereo started making weird noises of people talking . Expecting a weird electrical disturbance or a some kind of surge , my friend got up to flip off the stereo and unplug the light . In that instant it all stopped . As he sat back down it started again ! He cursed and stood up and sure enough it stopped and didn 't happen again for the rest of the day . This happened 2 more times during his stay and each time there were several witnesses who verified his story . The guys went for a beer run after the first time and the girls refused to stay around claiming that they had a bad feeling about the house . Pansies . I have a few questions about this : 1 . ) How did the stereo pick up signals if the receiver was on " CD " and turned all the way down ? - - 2 . ) Why would it stop precisely when he got up and persist when he sat ? Weird . Well , those are my experiences . I haven 't used the Ouija since then and we have seen any activity except the occasional closing of a door , that is until these pictures came back . I think they may be remnants of our ghostly roommate . What do you think ? Please , let me know ! We have two tenants upstairs who have not reported anything strange to us so far . The have lived in the house for eight years . Maybe someday I will ask them . Lisa , thanks for the stories about your house . Sounds like an old one indeed . I especially liked the part about the balloon chasing your dog ! Great visuals there ! I did think it interesting - - from the viewpoint of your house - sitter - - what he must have thought when you asked him to watch the place and then added something like , " Oh , by the way , nothing to worry about , but the place is haunted ! " Kinda like saying , " Here 's the keys . He 's not Freddy Kruger . Hope yer here when we return ! " LOL !

Grasshoppers have six legs , the front four are used for slow regular walking , like we do . The two in the very back are called hind legs , much bigger than the other four , they are used for those big jumps you often see grasshoppers do . When Nicole found Jene , she was missing her right hind leg , and her left was broken . She was helpless and would probably not survive the next 24 hours as she was . She was mainly subject to being prey for other animals , secondly she would probably be stepped on and the person would not even notice , just like she probably was before she lost her hind legs . It was a regular school day in the spring . Nicole was in her 3rd grade and was outside in the playground for her recess . The kids were playing hide and seek . Nicole was very good at hiding , behind a tree she would hide and looked to see if she was being looked for . She turned around and giggled , the kid kept looking for her but could not figure out where she was . She looked around and stared at the grass for a minute and saw a strange insect . A young grasshopper , its wings still not grown , was missing a hind leg , and the other was broken . " Awww " she expressed sadly feeling pity for the poor insect . She grabbed it and held it in her palm , the grasshopper barely moved around , probably wondering where he had suddenly gone to . " Poor thing , I can 't leave you here or you will probably die , I 'll take care of you " she said as she carefully put it in her pocket . Nicole came out from behind the tree and the kid said " I found you ! " For the next three hours the grasshopper was in the pocket . In this dark place it could only see darkness , moved a bit but wouldn 't get far . It would often feel something slowly coming into the darkness , carefully to feel if it was still there . It was during these moments , which were very regular that it would manage to see some light . It was finally until the final third hour that Nicole finally grabbed it and took it out . In the school bus , Nicole examined it a little longer . Its eyes seem sad , probably because of its misfortune she thought . " Don 't worry , I will help you . " She told it . The kids behind her seat looked over and started whispering . " Look ! Nic has a grasshopper ! " one yelled . " Oh can I see it ? " another said , " Let me see what it feels like " another one exclaimed and just like that , the whole school bus full of kids were all intrigued by the grasshopper . " What 's its name ? " One of the kids asked . When Nicole finally got to her house , she opened the door , which was usually left open for her and went straight to her room . She took out the Jene out of her pocket and put it on her bed . Nicole laid on the bed and watched Jene barely move . Nicole offered her finger as to play with her and Jene tried to climb the finger with its working legs , this made Nicole smile . " You know we can 't have pets in the apartment ? But what is it ? I don 't see it " her mom said . Nicole grabbed Jene and put her in her hands , then she closed her hands as if praying but left space for Jene . She then walked toward her mother and opened her hands to reveal Jene . " She 's Jene , she can 't jump ! " she exclaimed . " Okay , but keep it inside something , or you might lose it . " her mom told her . They found one of those long cans of chips , about the size of a ruler and Nicole would then put Jene in there and take her with her every time she went out . Jene would survive more than the 24 hours she would have lived at most . She survived days , and weeks , and maybe years . Nicole always took Jene to school with her , she didn 't want to leave it alone because her little brother might find it and let it out , to forever be lost . She kept the can in her backpack and took it with her at all times , she was very protective of Jene . Jene didn 't mind at all , it often was exploring the can it was in and was not always caged . Sometimes the can would be open for whatever reason and explored outside of the can . Often it would find a place similar to her home , with plenty of food that she would feed on . Often Jene met strange figures that looked like Nicole but much smaller , they moved though . Jene tried to touch them a couple of times but they felt a little weird so she would let go , a lot of the times the figures simply disappeared . Then she would be put back in the place where she usually was and be moved around pretty fast as if flying . Someday she would fly too Jene knew , she could feel it would be soon . Jene looked outside the can , at the concrete , the trees , the grass . Her can had been upgraded from a normal one , to a transparent one , so now she could see things through the plastic . It was because of this that one of the kids saw Jene in Nicole 's open backpack . " Look Mr . Susaki ! Nicole 's got a bug in her backpack ! " the kid yelled it out in the classroom . Mr . Susaki was her substitute teacher for this day , and he was interested in this as so were all the other kids . Nicole having no choice showed Jene to Mr . Susaki . Jene , who 's wings were almost fully grown was starting to learn how to fly around the can . It was her new hobby . Jene was excited about this , finally she could travel much faster than what she usually could . Back when Nicole found her she almost had given complete hope , but now , she knew that she could finally travel farther to places she couldn 't reach before . " I only got one word to say about this … " Mr . Susaki said , " Awesome " he said . He stopped inspecting Jene and gave her back to Nicole . Nicole then took it to her backpack again and put it in there . She stuck her tongue out at the kid celebrating her victory . The last day Nicole saw Jene was three weeks after she had found her . It was a morning before class . Nicole had woken up late and was in a rush to get her things so she could catch the bus . In the rush of things the bus came so she left with what she could , and later on the bus , she realized she had left Jene . All day , Nicole had been worried about Jene , she knew her little 5yr old brother Jack would go into her room and try to play with her . He always would go in her room and ask Nicole if she could , a few times she had but other times she told him no . " But it was closed , maybe its lost , she doesn 't have her legs , I promised I would take care of her . " Nicole cried , the loss of her first real pet was very upsetting for her . That night , Nicole was awake for a while , hoping that suddenly Jene would come back to her , the night was quiet , the moon was full . But nothing , no Jene , all there was , was a far away noise , a sound , a song maybe and with this she finally went to sleep . A few weeks later she got over Jene , she made up with the idea that she went back home with her parents maybe , or other grasshoppers . Jene stood on the tree branch at its usual time , around 9 : 00 p . m . She would fold her wing and lift her broken leg up and rubbed it against her wings as if playing the violin , this produced a grasshopper song , she would always play it for Nicole to help her go to sleep . Sometimes she would play something different , sometimes she would sing with her wings . She would rub both wings together and produce a beautiful sleep song that would play in Nicole 's dreams , a thank you song for Nicole . ( To be Edited ) Becky was doing some cleaning today , while watching an episode of The young and the restless . The show had Phyllis and Ronan talking about dropping some charges against some person . Becky was intrigued by this and stopped where she was . When the soap took a commercial break she went ahead and put the rest of the trash in the bag and tied it . She lifted the bag up while holding the can , unusually heavier this time she thought there must be some sort of animal in there . She opened the door and took the trash out . She looked around the neighborhood but there were no people outside today . Must be because days like these are stay - inside days , unless you work of course . Becky had been laid off her DMV job the past summer and had been out of work since . Not that she minded , after working for five years she thought a break might be just what she needed to change from the routine that she had been gotten used to . She would never get a job again . She heard the howling sound the wind makes and quickly put the trash in the dumpster as if there was something after her . She felt the strong wind coming and going right by her , for a split second she thought she saw something but it all happened too fast . Holding one hand on the dumpster , she almost tripped and heard the door to the house shut . Everything was a little more calm again but she was startled by all of this . She stood up again and took a breath . " Holy shit " she told herself , " I guess that 's why people call it a stay at home day , these winds will kill you . " She was damn right about that one . She started walking fast towards the door , with her hands in her pocket to cover the cold . Her hands were thin and were the coldest part of her body . On a really cold day her body stayed normal , but if someone were to take Becky 's hands out of her pockets and take her gloves off , they would find purple hands underneath . She hated this and was a little self - conscious about it . She started to open the door and heard that howling sound again , but this time from the inside of the house . She continued slowly and placed her ear on the crack of the door as if to hear what it was . At this point she stopped worrying about her hands and started to get a little frightened of what could possibly be inside her house . She knew the wind had closed the door , but it all seemed too freaky now that she heard this noise from the inside . She opened slowly , a little more , and more … and more … Then she felt the cold wind open the door , rushing outside as if it was all compressed inside the house with no way out . The door hit her nose and the cold wind rushed outside hitting her head . At this moment she instinctively held her right side of the face , which was against the open part of the door . She felt like the wind hit her face harder than the door hit her nose , even though her nose started bleeding . Her face was red , almost purple and her ear kept pulsating to the beat of her heart along with the loud and continuous sound you would hear out of a hospital heart monitor . The sound of death . " Ow , what the fuck ? " She said to herself as she tried to get back up . Ashamed that anyone would notice her , she rushed inside the house and closed the door . She started rushing to the bathroom for the first aid kit that was there . She turned right past the wall and headed for the bathroom door . She opened and closed it and looked at herself . She looked like if she had been punched on the face , as if she had been in a fight with a neighbor . What 's Nathan going to think when he gets home she thought . She reached out for some cotton to clean her nose and some warm cloth to put on her face , her ear was feeling a little better . She was starting to calm down now and when she did she realized something . She couldn 't hear the television in the living room . She didn 't realize it when she came in a rush but now she did , the T . V . was off when she came in , someone is in the house . She came out of the bathroom and looked around , a little frightened , hearing that howling sound all over outside the house , it would take a minute or two and then it would come back again , hitting the outside of the house . She was frightened , she grabbed one of those big cutting knifes from the kitchen and held it in her hand . She knew someone was in , why would the television be turned off otherwise . She went back to the living room and looked around , She saw a hand . There was a hand holding onto the sofa as if there was a body behind it . She needed to get closer to see the body , but she knew someone must be there . Then the hand let go and she couldn 't see anyone as if the position she was in could be more inconvenient . She walked closer to the sofa , slowly so her footsteps wouldn 't be heard , however she knew that whoever was hiding behind the sofa must already know she was there . So when she got close enough she rushed , through the left side of the sofa where there would be less resistance . Her heart racing fast she raised her hand that held the kitchen knife tight and ready to strike . No one . No one was behind it . The television turned on and she heard the power come back on . She was startled , scared to death by this , she let go off the knife and it fell on the floor . She gasped for a second and let out a quick yell followed by her hands to cover her mouth . She started breathing fast . She was sweating , specially her hands . " Oh my god . " She said , relaxing , feeling better . The power went out because of the wind , that 's why the T . V . was off … but that hand … she looked around . The knife was gone ! Her relief only lasted a few seconds and she was more terrified than before . There was definitely someone in there . " Becky Becky Becky " She heard someone talk , " You 're too slow , by the time you figure out one thing I 'm already planning the next . . It 's no fun like this . " The voice said . This voice wasn 't human though , it 's an alien she thought at first , the most reasonable thing that came to mind . It sounded like a distorted monster , if a dog could talk it would probably sound like this . She looked around for this person , behind her , and behind her again , that 's where the sound was coming from but she saw no one . " Please take what you want , but don 't hurt me ! I have done nothing to you ! " She yelled , then she rushed toward the door . Since she couldn 't find the voice , she figured she could escape , and this would be the best time . The door was locked though , and probably the rest also . " No escaping today , I need to feed . " The voice said . This sent her the chills , her mouth started twitching , this thing whatever it was was going to kill her . " Show yourself ! " she yelled out loud and when she did she felt something , on her waist , lifting up her shirt and sweater , she felt hands with sharp nails feeling up her stomach . " Well why , I 've been right here with you " The voice said . She turned around and tried to grab the hands at the same time but nothing . She put her sweater and shirt back down . " What the hell are you ! ? " She yelled in desperation , drenched in fear . " I eat souls , I 'm here for yours . " At this very moment she felt something go inside of her , another energy , an entity . She froze , she got quiet , her fear , her thoughts stopped . It was fast whatever it was and what it came to do it was done with . After a few hours of standing still , Becky finally moved again and sat on the sofa . She turned the T . V . on and sat , not blinking , her eyes were grey now and her mouth started drooling eventually . She sat there watching cartoons until Nathan got home . The first time Daryl set eyes on Stacey was at 5 : 42p . m . January 2nd , 2012 at the Barnes and Noble next to the mall . Maybe it was the exciting feeling of a new year and the loneliness of the last one that made Daryl so crazy for Stacey , love at first sight some call it , others call it pure obsession . Daryl grabbed a fictional book called " The Five Elements of Power " . Daryl thought he could achieve many things through literature and learning from books . He had tried the most popular music instruments and a various of sports , learned games and tried out about five different languages , in a way they worked , but learning by reading he never seemed to learned the fullest as someone that learned by growing with the art throughout their life . Daryl then looked around at the tables and seats in the starbucks , he was very aware of his surroundings . Always picking out who might be hunting or giving welcome signals in the book store . Often than not he was always interested in other people wether it were their mood , their attitude , appearance , relationships and such . Daryl often liked to play out scenarios of the lives of people he would randomly see and make out their life . He often liked to go out to his local shopping mall at Ashton and watch people in the Dining area . He would have a blast there , specially on a Saturday afternoon he would see what he would call " humanity at its best . " A few hundreds of people just living , people he wouldn 't see or remember again yet in that moment , they would serve him for entertainment purposes . These people had no idea and never would , nor would they care of secretly being watched . Daryl of course , like any straight man in the state of Virginia , would watch and appreciate the many beautiful women that roamed the Dining Area . But never he thought , like Stacey . Daryl knows a beautiful woman when he sees her , and that day Stacey was sitting at a table that faced the window . Daryl knew she was the one that very moment , in that split second , he scanned her the way only he knew how . Every single part of her body was now imprinted on his head and his blood started to boil , his heart beating fast and his hands started to shake nervously in his jean pockets . He walked towards her table , decided on what to do and say , yet as he walked closer his will walked farther away . The more he saw her the more he realized how more perfect she was . It was an instant attraction , the fact that he could not nitpick a single defect on her made him more nervous , and it was sad that for such a good looking guy like Daryl to have such problems when approaching women , often not knowing what to say he would ruin the talk by boring out the conversation with pointless questions that women often heard . Well maybe not all women , but defintely the ones he tried talking to . Very few times had his attempts worked and that was because of his good looks and the drunkness of the women , often leading to regrets the next day and if not short - lasting relationships that lasted no more than three months . However not this time , Daryl would not ruin his chance at the love of his life . If something he had learned during the past years was that if he were to approach this woman in the current state , he would have about 65 % chance of failure , 10 % chance of a number , with 5 % chance of being fake , plus that he would have 5 % chance of her answering it and another 5 % chance of getting a date . With all the math he figured out he had about 1 % chance of sleeping with the woman of his dreams , and he would not let such chances decide this one . Daryl sat a few tables across from her and took one quick glance , he tried to read for a bit , " tried " because it wasn 't possible for him to concentrate on any words at that very moment , all the words in the book seemed to switch from its first letter to something else such as " ass " , " beautiful " , " cute " , " dream " , " exotic " , " fuck " and so on until the end of the abecedary , then it would start all over again with different words . After that he took out his phone and pretended to text , but in reality he was typing what she looked like . Blue eyes , dark hair , sexy lips , perfect cheeks , sweet , sexy smile . Beautiful , woman eyebrows , long sexy legs , yummy breasts and booty . Then he thought that wouldn 't be enough , a picture would be . At first he was a little nervous he would get caught , but across from the table and lifting the phone a bit to get her in the camera would not be so difficult , not if done quick . Luckily for him his phone was one of the best in the country . With installed GPS and zoom in and out camera he could take High Definition pictures at any time . He took it out and pretended as if doing something on the phone that wasn 't taking a picture , he turned the volume off to shut the camera shoot sound it would make . He zoomed in to get the full picture of her and took it , then turn the phone as fast as he could . Daryl then knew his job was done for now and before the woman left he had to hurry up and leave himself first if he ever wanted to see her again . He got up , took his book and put it back on a shelf that wasn 't where the book originally was . When he took it he pretended to buy it but he would set that back to another day . After walking through the parking lot and to his car , he got in and tried to figure out if he could see her from there . He then took out his phone and switched to the picture he took of her . " So Beautiful . " He said as he put his index and middle fingers on the phone and try to feel her in the picture , he couldn 't wait for her . He turned on his car as soon as a car left on the other parking lane and went towards it . His new parking spot was just what he needed , it gave him view of both the window where she was at and the exit of the Barnes and Nobles , there was no way she was getting away from him . He took out his phone and switched to video mode , zooming in on her , he took video of her . Smiling he was excited about it , about now being able to have her in movement , he could distinguish her purple dress in which she looked amazing in . He thought about the chances of her figuring that he was watching her but they were pretty slim to none . He was pretty far away to make out from her distance , she was on her computer doing god knows what , and to make out someone in a car and even the phone , you would have to really pay attention to your surroundings and be someone as observative as Daryl was and for someone to be doing that in a Barnes and Noble while reading who knows what was pretty much not going to happen . Daryl sat for another 15 minutes , then she finally closed her computer and got up from her seat . Daryl surprised of this quickly sat up straight , he watched as she went out of sight inside the store then ended the video and turned his phone off . Daryl then waited , not taking his eyes out of the door , waited for the moment she would walk out , patiently , then impatiently . Another 15 minutes had passed and no sign of her , could he have missed her ? It seemed impossible , he started to impatiently tap his foot . It was a bad habit that he had tried to stop many times and often succeeded , but it often came back to him at important events . After 45 minutes had passed , she finally came out the door , by then Daryl had already given up hope and had calmed down . This however , made him sit up fast again and made him stare at her to make sure she was the one . After a few seconds there was no doubt in this mind . There was that tall , beautiful woman , walking down the parking lot into her car . Daryl took note of the cars plate numbers in case he lost her . He then started to follow . ( Needs Editing ) * I wrote this story for my English II class a few years ago . It was on regular paper , after a while I lost it and never saw it again . Recently my girlfriend said she 'd seen and read it and said that she liked it , that it was in one of my drawers . I however , could not find it ( weird huh ? ) , so I 've decided to start it anew with what I remember , besides I had shortened it due to a page limit in my class , but here I will just let go . Just another day in Chester , Virginia . There was a strong wind blowing forcing its way through the trees , making that noise that a person may hear from inside their house . That howling sound that we sometimes hear comes from outside ; a monster is what that sounds like , or like someone is trying to play a prank at us and is trying to scare us with this howl , sometimes I think that if I were to go into that specific howling wind , that I would feel something more . But this is none of those things , and I can 't say if what flies through the air is too , but I wouldn 't doubt that it is , because it 's creepy , and its intentions are unknown . What could it possibly want ? Does any good come out from something like it ? Or is it just trying to have fun , and if so , what kind of fun ? This thing flew through the wind as if it was its vessel . It moved faster through it , but could move without it . It knew no barriers , no stops , no limits . It flew through the sky , maybe a few hundred of feet above ground . It could fly even higher and lower , but this was it 's desired height mainly because of the view . A plane flies thousands of feet higher and all you can see is the shape of a city or a state , but you can 't even see a specific house from that high . This thing wanted to find people , it loved people for whatever reasons it desired . Today he was flying through one of his favorite neighborhoods , Tarrington Homes . A place with no criminal history where somewhat wealthy people lived . The place was a harmony for families with wonderful neighbors that ask you to come anytime for a drink every time they see you . This thing flew lower , and reduced its speed and height . This was its favorite type of day . Cloudy , a little dark , windy and chilly , a nice stay - at - home type of day , just nice because a perfect one would definitely be a rainy day . This thing did not like the rain so much , it gave its location away under specific circumstances . It liked to be stealthy unless it knew it got them , or he , or she , or us , then it would really have a blast . It arrived at a house , its picks were limited . It could not open doors or have any type of physical contact , unless … It stood outside the door , behind a kid about 9 or 10 , it moved its arm forward as to ring the doorbell and the kid followed and ringed it himself . Good Boy It thought . The door quickly opened as if he was being expected and another kid the same age was behind the door . " Josh , you bring the game ? " the kid in the house asked . " Yes , hurry . " the kid outside said as he went in himself . He reached inside his aeropostal jacket and took the game out . Call of Duty modern warfare 3 was the game , of course . The kid that opened the door smiled and took the game . The game had just been released and it was already successful ; and in this moment of awe , the flying , unknown , unwelcome force also walked in the house . The kids rushed upstairs into one of the rooms to play their new game . their little feet stomping fast on the stairs making a louder noise than if an adult was walking up them . It looked around for a bit on the first floor , for any other people it might have the pleasure of meeting . There was no one there but the kids . It looked at a few pictures , mother , father , a young adult , a kid , a baby and a dog . Too bad the others aren 't here , well maybe the dog . It went upstairs with slow steps , making sure it wasn 't heard , as if . It wouldn 't be heard with all that shooting and grenades exploding all over the room . It went upstairs and saw the door open , immediately it went for the opening and went into the kids room . A blue room , a small bed and a 32 inch flat screen tv , playing an xbox360 the kids sat on the edge of the bed hypnotized by the gun moving on the screen . " He 's in that corner in that building ! " one kid yelled . " Ill get him ! " said the other , kids working together to achieve a bigger purpose , one of those things that makes us the superior race . I hope you don 't mind if i sit here , it thought as it sat down in between them . It looked to its left and saw the kid there , with ears a little to big for his head , he was still , only his eyes moving fast like a robot eyes would move if a robot were to have eyes . Eye movement is one of the most interesting features of a human , when you really stare down at a person 's eye it seems like the movements are specifically controlled , their movement is not smooth like other features but it 's fast and exact . It was amazed by this and turned to the right to inspect the other kid . This other kid had a litte more movement than the other and seemed a little less robotic . It opened its arms as if to hug them both … beep beep beep beep beep beep and a grenade exploded in the game as it rested its hands on their outer shoulders , the kids briskly jumped away and looked at each other puzzled . " Stupid , you got me killed ! " one kid yelled . " You shouldn 't have been touching my shoulder you dummy ! " the other one yelled back . " I didn 't you dummy ! I was trying to get the bomb ! " the kids yelled , back and forth . " Stop yelling or I 'm shutting that game off ! " Someone else yelled from another room down the hallway , a deeper male voice , someone much older . It opened the windows and flew right out of them , breaking them from their hatches and they fell down on the grass outside breaking the glass . A 50 or so year old woman was startled by the sound and hugged her car as if to get protection from the windows . The kids scared yelled and went behind the bed . " What the hell is going on in there ! ? " the older voice asked as he ran down the hallway to the kids room and opened the door to find an empty space on the wall that was there in place of the windows . The chilly air went in the room . It flew away fast . Stupid man , how dare you interrupt me ? Oh you really were a quiet , what the hell were you doing so quiet in your room ? but don 't worry , I 'll be back for you , I 'll get you and I 'm going to have some fun with you , I could 've ended it then but I 'm not , because I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER . It flew around the neighborhood , looking down at the broken window and the older woman , then around the other houses to see if there were any opportunities around . There it was , a woman taking out a bag of trash . Then it caugh a fast wind , and rode through it , its vessel , and there was that howling sound again , and there it was faster than the usual speed and flew straight through the door , so fast that it closed it , but not locked it of course , because it wanted the woman to come back …

So it 's been a while since I 've posted . Been busy with grad school and moving into my new Apt ! At last I love solo and am free of roommates ! So over the holidays I tend to pig out and this holiday was no different . On Christmas I went to 3 different houses and ate 3 plates of food each . I first was invited to my best friends families house . When there I stuffed myself with 3 plates , you name it I had it . My friend at one point whispered " Bri you are going to blow it up later " I looked at her and said " girl I know " we laughed . After that house I went to my cousin on my dads side of the family . I didn 't stay there long but I had 3 plates there . After that I went to my parents where we hosted our own party . I had another 3 plates . When I returned home on Sunday I unpacked and went to the gym . After my workout on my way home I felt my stomach shift . I could feel this post holiday poop needed to be released . I knew there were few toilets out there that could handle what I was about to birth . When I got home to my new apartment , I found a plastic bag and opened it in front of the toilet . I promptly squatted and prepped myself . I could feel this mass shift , then with one good push it began to move . It came for some time before it landed with a huge thud . I gasped im pain as a huge fart escaped quickly followed by another log . This one was . Slightly bigger and needed a slight push . After that one dropped another one , slightly shorter came out . After one last fart , I was done . I looked at my creation . The first log was a foot and a half long dark brown until the middle where it got lighter , the second was about a foot long lighter brown , the final log was about 8 inches long same color as the 2nd log , all three were about an inch in width . The smell was unbearable . . . i was impressed that I made these . I tied bag up and tossed them in another bag and tossed the bags in the dumpster . So I read this site sometimes but never really have any good stories to tell because I just never have any good experiences I suppose like most of you seem to . However just an hour ago I got back from hanging out with family friends and something did happen . I am a male by the way . So we get there and hangout and have dinner and such before I go on the couch and watch and play some of their new video games with them on the Nintendo . The family here has 3 daughter 2 of which are there and a son . One daughter is my age and another 3 years younger and the son 6 years younger than myself . I 'm talking a lot but this gets somewhere ha ha . Boy these girls with their leggings on and the most perfect round bottoms you can imagine . So the son , the youngest daughter and myself were playing for awhile on some game and it goes on for awhile each time and she started to seem uncomfortable and was saying it would be her last game . She was kind curled up and I could hear her stomach growling and being upset . In a more intense part of the game she had lent forward a bit and a fart came out and she quickly moved back but let another big fart out in that action . She pressed her butt right against the couch and sorta stopped playing for a sec and she was just looking down , embarrassed and I think holding back going to the bathroom . I 've never been around for anything like this ever let alone what happens later . So the game eventually ends and I relax on the couch and hardly notice she slipped off and quite awhile later she is back and I think nothing of it as I 'm just observing the son playing on his own now . I get up to go take a pee and when I get in and look in the toilet I step back . Probably the biggest amount of poo I have ever seen inside . I hear about stuff like this on the site but never would I dream of seeing . One massive log that was like as thick as the hole to go down and fairly long as it was in the hole and came up too . Along with that several smaller pieces of poo all around it . I thought who didn 't flush and knew tLittle Mandi I think I cut the inside of my butt somehow . Today I went to the gym and of course I was drinking a lot of water which naturally means I had to pee . I took one of the stalls and went pee but when I wiped I saw the toilet paper was streaked with blood a little bit . I thought maybe I had gotten my period so I took another piece of toilet paper and just wiped down there . Nothing . I was so confused . I took one more piece of toilet paper and wiped my butt and there was a little blood again . So I figured out the blood was coming from my butt . I was so confused my this cause it was random . I did go poop this morning but I didnt force it out or anything . I never force it out or even push hard cause I dont ever wanna get hemeroids or anything like that . when I wiped there wasnt even blood on the toilet paper and it didnt even hurt coming out . I was weirded out by this but I just let it go and went back to my workout . > Sabrina When me and my friend Ashley went to the mall to have a hugest meal I never have . When we were shopping both of us had the urge to use the bathroom asap . We ask a person the works at the mall to tell us we 're the bathroom were . When he told us we 're it was we rushed our way to the bathroom . When we got there , nobody was in there . So me and Ashley chose to sit next to each other . The ashley had this huge fart , then I decided to play battleshits with her . We went back and forth . One of was farting and shitting . It took us between 5 - 10 minutes to finish . when we were done we look at each other toilets to see who won . I won just by a little bit . That was the greatest shit I ever took in my whole life Many of my babysitting customers refer me to other families . Sometimes they make arrangements weeks in advance . Others are like emergencies and they need me right away . Such was the case recently . One our last day of school before vacation , I had just finished with my after - school tutoring and I was on a 3rd floor stool weeing when I checked my phone and found a message . I called this mom , who was worried that her daughter Jade , 5 , wouldn 't get to see Santa unless I could take her down to the mall the next day . While I told her I had a jobs for the next several nights , daytime wouldn 't be a problem . She paid me $ 25 for the job , plus gave me the necessary $ 10 for the picture on Santa 's lap . Jade 's mom dropped us off at the mall at 8 a . m . so she could work a double shift that day . Once we got inside , I could feel my morning poo coming on , but I didn 't want to waste time with that and then be farther back in the line . We didn 't have to walk far to find the line . It didn 't help that they had a radio station remote broadcasting and were giving a car away . A security guard issued us a plastic card with a number on it ; our number was # 137 . Around the corner of some stores we could hear some cheering and Jade tugged on my coat to tell me that Santa probably just came . She was encouraged , but my gut was really acting up and I worried with every fart there was going to be an accident . My poos are large , but soft and come pretty much at the same time every morning ( usually right after I arrive at school on school days ) . Weekends are no different . Jade was asking me several questions and about an hour into our wait , she asked me about if I had to do a Number 2 . I was honest with her and told her I did . She told me she sometimes has compacting ( I took that to mean constipation ) and that her mom gives her something to make her go . I tried to get my mind off my problem , but Jade kept talking about it . Finally , the guard called out # 40 and our group was allowed to go into the final hallway and we could see the stage on which Santa sat . Jade asked me how I was doing and said she could smell my poo . We rehearsed what she was going to ask Santa for and I tried to keep the conversation focused on that . I told her she should narrow down all the things she wanted to three , and hoped that would keep her mind busy and not drawing more attention to my problem . Finally , we got to the stage , Jade was led up to Saanta by a guard , while I paid for the picture . We had waited in line for more than two hours and I don 't think she was on Santa 's lap for a minute . They directed me to the back of the stage where she would come off and I saw Jade walking toward me with her candy cane . There were three steps down and she started runniIt was obvious from the smell what happened and I told Jade we needed to get to the bathroom fast . I was worried that the bathrooms while large , would be packed and that we would have to go into another line . We walked through a crowd for like two blocks and went to the lower level where there were less people . Because the bathroom was like a dozen stalls , I took Jade into the handicapped one because we would have more space . Luckily there was a hook for my coat . I pulled my jeans and undees down and seated myself on the toilet . Jade noticed there was poo smeared over my inner thighs . So I asked Jade to go outside and see if there were some brown paper towels by the sink . I told her to pull down about 10 . And we needed them all , including one to clean off the smears my butt was making on the toilet seat . I took off my jeans and had Jade hold them . Luckily , there was no major damage to them other then a couple of smears I took off by having Jade wet down a couple of the towels . I weed a little as I sat and Jade snickered as she heard my " tinkle . " I carefully took off my formerly white undees and folded them to hold in the soft poo . I was going to show Jade how to use both hands to carry them over to the trash , but I laid them on the floor , just hoping that I would not make the mistake of stepping on them . I must have used three towels as I sat and cleaned myself . A security matron walked through and saw the mess on the floor . She knocked on the door to check on me , I told Jade to open it , and the lady who was very sympathetic went and brought a special garbage bag in and had me toss my loaded undees and the towels in . Then she said she would take them outside to a special dumpster . She came back with a special gift certificate for us to use at the food court . When the toilet on the right side of ours opened , I told Jade to use it and at least try to go because I didn 't want another accident to happen . She got up on the stool , and I could see her feet swinging as she tinkled for about 30 seconds . We both washed our hands at the same time . I washed up for about five minutes because of what I knew I had on my hands . With no underwear on , my jeans seemed very rough against me . Then we had to walk back and pick up the Santa picture . After that we had lunch at the food court . Then Jade said she had to poo . She got up on the toilet , did a dump the size of a banana , and was very efficient with her wiping , although she missed the toilet once with the toilet paper she used . Then I asked Jade to get back up on the stool and try to wee . Then she did for like 15 seconds . I went to the mens room today at work and a coworker from a different department was washing his hands . We said hi and I proceeded to take a stall and drop my pants as I did that my coworker continued to talk to me as I sat down farted and began to poop . He said that working was just what he wanted to do on his birthday ! So I said " Oh it your birthday " well have a happy birthday ! He said thanks and wished me a Happy new year ! I thought that it was funny to wish him a happy birthday while I was dropping a load ! If its not bad enough to work on his birthday having me wish him happy birthday while dropping a load probably did not improve his day ! I like pee in public bathrooms I always find a public bathroom that I can lock the door and pee on the toilet paper and all over the seat and back of the tank and leave a nice puddle on the floor for everybody to see what I did . Sometimes the toilet paper is inside those stupid plastic covers that I can 't get to . So I just unroll the roll onto the floor in a nice pile , and pee on the pile to make sure it gets soaked . MikeMGVT Ever since I was young , I 've always been curious about the bathroom habits of girls . I know full well that , in most of society , seeing somebody other than yourself , especially the opposite gender , use the toilet is weird , gross , or simply downright nasty . " Who wants to see that ? " people will always say . For me , using the toilet is all natural , no matter what . Although my own curiosity can be overwhelming at times , I 've learned to respect and honor peoples ' wishes for privacy when they ask for it . Very rarely am I lucky enough to meet someone who 's comfortable enough to tell me they 're going , leave the bathroom door open , or even allow me to come in while they go pee or poop . This occasion , however , was one of those rare occurances , and I 'm hopeful there are more to come . My girlfriend , a 15 year old High School sophomore , isn 't at all shy about letting me know when she has to pee or poop , and she 'll fart in front of me and laugh like a little kid . When she does eventually go to the bathroom , her door slides open and shut , and she sometimes leaves it open just a crack , allowing me to get a peek at her . She has told me that she 's comfortable enough for me to have the mental knowledge that she 's going , but the auditory knowledge . In other words , she doesn 't want me to hear her pee or poop . I have stressed to her over and over again that it 's not a big deal and that we all have to go at some point . Me , or anyone else hearing you go isn 't going to destroy your reputation . She just kind of giggles and tells me that she doesn 't want me to hear her go , as If it 's my desire to ( wink wink ) Today , we were having a conversation about using the bathroom . I asked her what she 'd do if she was going , and my phone was left in the bathroom , and I needed it . She told me that she 'd be okay with me coming in while she was on the toilet and getting it . So I hatched a bit of a plan . I went to the bathroom , left my phone in there when I was done , and waited for her to go . Once she was in and seated ( I could see through the crack in the door ) I asked , " Is my phone in there ? " she said , " Yes , you can come in and get it . I can 't find the toilet paper ! " I walked in and there she was , shorts and thong at her knees , sitting on the toilet . She didn 't seem bothered by the fact that I was in there , probably as she was finished peeing . It turns out she had used the last of the toilet paper . So I went upstairs and found her a role and brought it to her . I retrieved my phone as she began to wipe and left . As I was walking away , I looked back at her and realized that she had left the door wide open . She still sat there , and was just putting her used toilet paper in the toilet . She smiled at me as she pulled up her thong and shorts and began to wash her hands . I walked back into the living room and waited for her . She came out and cuddled me like normal . I asked her if she felt uncomfortable while I was in there . She said that she didn 't , and promised me she was being truthful about that . She and I have seen each other without clothes on many times . To me , there 's no difference between her being pantyless in bed versus on the toilet . For whatever reason though , society says that one is okay and one isn 't . Is there any way I can convince her to let me come in while she goes ? This is not a sexual fantasy by any means , but simply a curiosity thing and a desire for comfort between the two of us regarding the laws of nature . I 'd love to be at the point with her where we can go together and have it be a normal , non - weird , non - sexual , non - taboo thing . Do you go often toilet using tights , pantyhose whit pantyliner on underwear ? How you poop while you are wearing in that way ? So , this one its a weird one , since I was child I was curious how woman in late fifties and early sixties did for sit in toilet and piss and poop using pettycoats , how somebody ask to my question ? My first post Christmas poo this year came on Boxing Day . I had been feeling full overnight after eating a lot , and after lunch on Boxing Day I felt my bowels moving . I could tell it was going to be a big one so I went to the toilet and sat down with my skirt and knickers at my feet . After a few seconds I felt a log start to come out of my bum . It was thick but quite soft and it made a big plop . I pushed out another one , and then two more came out quite quickly . After a couple of minutes I managed to release two more , and I was done . I looked in the bowl before wiping , and it was full of my big turds ! I flushed before wiping just to be safe , and I felt a lot lighter afterwards ! In 2009 I went on a Europe trip through school . We had a lay - over in Heathrow Airport . By the time we landed I had been on the plane 7 hours . The whole time on the plane I had indigestion but couldn 't actually pass the demon that was festering in my colon . I dealt with it for the about 4 hours on this plane . I 'm convinced it was the pressure difference on the plane that messed with me . So by the time we had landed I was actually having intestinal pains . I have never needed to find a bathroom so bad in my life , and we still had to get to our terminal because I had to stick with the group . I had to go through the airport for 45 minutes , claiming luggage , and going through security . Finally it was time . We had a bathroom break and I went as fast as I could while clenching my ass hard enough to create diamonds . I burst into the ladies ' room and got into the first stall . I didn 't both with laying down TP on the seat . I estimated I was about 5 seconds from filling my pants . What happened next I could not believe . It sounded like a shot gun blast . I exploded the demon out of my ass creating a torrent of shit that coated inside of this innocent European toilet bowl . The relief was immense . I could hear my friend snicker in the next stall over while she was peeing . She quipped " knowing Heathrow , you probably are doing these toilets a favor . " It wasn 't so funny when the smell hit , but I was so thankful to be rid of this demon I didn 't care . I was at a little grocery store and there was 3 girls around 14 to 15 in front of me . They where wearing those long blue jean like skirts . They were acting a little silly , but I paid no attention to them . When they where leaving I thought I heard one of them Fart , and they all started laughing . The clerk rolled her eyes . Then I saw one of them at the edge of the lot when I was leaving , One was squatting down and her dress was pulled up to her knee . No one in the store could see them , there was no one in the lot but me . Then they saw me and the one got up . It was in the night time . It looked like they were trying to hide something . They left the lot , and I drove up to where the one was squatting and saw something on what I thought it was . It was a turd and it had some undigested food in it like some vegetable in it . I went up the road and they where walking they turned around and saw my car and looked , I just went on without making eye contact . Biggest fears Funny story about my friend Anna that i just found out today . We were talking about weird stuff that we 're afraid of and she at one point said that every once in a while as she 's sitting on the toilet pooping she has a random moment of fear / panic where she is afraid she 's really just dreaming that she 's on the toilet and that she 's actually pooping her pants in her sleep . I thought it was so funny and bizarre and I kept making her explain why she would get such an idea , and finally she admitted to me that a couple years ago when she was like 16 , her and her parents went to visit relatives for a few days and on the long drive home she was asleep in the car . She had a really lucid dream about sitting on the toilet pooping . Then her mom woke her up and asked her if she was ok because the car stunk , and her mom thought she was gassy , but she was really pooping herself . She couldn 't stop it and kept filling her underwear and shorts until she had to admit that she had an accident to her parents . She said she was so embarrassed even though it was just her parents , so that 's why now she sometimes gets scared that she 's only dreaming about being on the toilet while really pooping her underwear . Oh , she also mentioned that in the dream she was having when she pooped her pants in the car , even though her pants / underwear were off in the dream and she was sitting on the toilet , it felt in the dream like the poop was squishing against her butt as it came out like she was going in her pants . Btw . She told me about this fear after I said I have a big fear of pooping my pants in public . It has never happened to me thankfully , but I peed in my pants once and that was mortifying enough so I don 't ever want to experience a public poop accident ! I was at a party and I had to pee very badly , but it was at someone 's house with only one bathroom . There were a few people waiting to get in and whoever was already in there was taking forever . A bounced around and squeezed my legs together and squirmed and held my crotch all IMegan While I was out I went into a cafe - slash - bar type place and ate some lunch , which started me needing to do a poo . By the time I was done it was quite a strong urge , and I needed to do a wee as well , so I paid and went to the toilets which were at the back . I went into the ladies room and I was surprised to see that there were four cubicles , two on either side of the room , but none of them had doors , and the dividers between them were pretty low and short . Anyone walking in or waiting for a seat would be able to see pretty much everything of anyone using the two toilets nearest the door , and from the waist up anyone using one of the others . Sitting down on one of the toilets you could see the head and shoulders of anyone using a toilet next to you , and again pretty much everything of anyone using a toilet on the other side of the room . I concluded that perhaps it was because in the evenings the place was used as a bar and so maybe it was something to do with that , to help with vandalism or safety , if someone passed out in one of the cubicles or something . I was surprised to say the least , and embarrassed about using them , but more than a little excited about the idea of getting to see other women on the toilet ! As I walked in , there was a girl of about 14 sitting on the toilet furthest from the door , in the far corner , and diagonally opposite from her , a woman of about 35 was sitting on the toilet closest to the door , with her jeans and blue knickers pulled down to mid thigh . They both looked up at me as I walked in , probably wanting to see my reaction to the arrangements ! After sizing up the situation I headed to the toilet opposite the 14 year old , which put me next to the other woman who was to my left . The girl opposite smiled at me a little and I smiled back . I noticed she had her jeans and white knickers pulled down to just above her knees . I pulled my jeans and green knickers to the same spot as I sat down . I could hear wee coming from both of them , but no sign that either of them needed to do number 2 , so The woman next to me was done and she flushed , washed her hands and left as the new arrival began to do a wee . I was done with mine , and sat holding in my poo , which was pressing on my anus by now . Another woman came in , a brunette who was in her early 30s . She glanced around for a free cubicle but didn 't seem too surprised so I guessed she might have been there before . She walked over and went into the one opposite me . I watched her pull down her trousers and black knickers , giving me a view of her bum before she turned and sat , lowering them to just above her feet like I had so I thought she might be wanting to have a poo . I could obviously see her bare legs as she sat , and her hips . I could see between her legs for a moment as she sat before she sat with her knees together . She sat , like me , with her hands in her lap , but I could still see some of her bush and I knew when she looked at me she would see mine too ! She began to do a wee as the blonde woman finished hers , but she remained seated so I guessed she might need a poo . Sure enough I heard a plop come from her toilet as the woman opposite me finished her wee . She too remained seated . I started to relax a bit and let my poo start to come out , and I could tell that the woman opposite me looked to be doing the same . I let one out with a plop , and I heard a plop from her too . The blonde woman farted and then we all let out another log almost at the same time ! I farted too , and the blonde woman began to wipe . I pushed out another log and she stood up . The woman opposite me did another one too as the blonde flushed and went to wash her hands . I was done , so I wiped too , and did the same , leaving the other woman still going . As I left I heard her tearing off some paper . It was a very interesting toilet break , and despite a bit of embarrassment , just like my previous visits to doorless toilets in a park , I would love to go back there and try it out again , hopefully soon ! Wednesday , December 31 , 2014 I 've been SO constipated lately ! ! I ended up being very constipated for 7 days ! ! ! ! ! ! I was so backed up that it lasted over Christmas day and I couldn 't get any poo out until Dec 26th . I had a marathon session on the toilet and I spent most of the day struggling and straining , to get a monsterous load of poo to come out . This is just a quick post as I need to get ready to go out soon but I will come back tomoroow and post the full story . I had a terrible time on the toilet and it was extremely difficult ! Just a quick hi to Abbie on your recent post . I know there was no header but your style is so unmistakable , inasmuch as its so descriptive it had to be you . Glad both you and Lucy felt relieved after your respective number 2s ! Debbie I occasionally get leakage from my arse when I am severly constipated and after Ive got it out . I also have piles and a prolapse from straining to poo , when that is real bad I used to worry that a pad wont contain it so I took my friends advice and in that situation I now wear a pair of plastic pants over my ordinary knickers . I can wear real tight jeans or shorts or whatever and if I leak nothing comes thru . Linda & everyone Yes I was very constipated before Christmas and nothing really changed during it , partly as we had a house full getting to spend a long time on the toilet was difficult although I did have to oportunity to spend some time chatting with my older sister who came to stay with her 2 kids . It was like going back to childhood for me except with a different situation . Me and my older half sister sat on the side of the bath chatting whilst her daughter 7yrs old was on the toilet and her son was on his potty for their routene morning and evening poos - he is 14 months and is quite good at using his potty he seems to so far have escaped the constipation trait . I am having a concentrated effort to have a good poo this morning as its now all peacefull again at home and Linda re chocolate , I dont stop eating eating chocolate or sweets even when my poo is really hard and I know that its made me constipated , Cheese , milk and pasta do too but I still have them cos I like them . Even when I havnt been for a few days I still eat chocolate , its sort of a comfort food and ever since I was young its one of the things I like to do on the toilet is eat sweets or chocolate . I think it stems form childhood when during the routine morning / evening sit on the toilet my mum would give chocolate for doing a poo or the strap for not being able to do any poo . If I said I cant do it or I cant do any more when told I hadnt done enough she would show the bar of chocolate and the strap whilst I was sat on the toilet and say the choice , Jasmin is yours , you know what will happen if you dont do a poo / do more poo . When I was constipated and had been on the toilet for ages it was a sort of an incentive to stay there , she would say try really hard and when a bit splashed into the water , even just a little pebble I got another cube of chocolate or a sweet and so on . If it was a big solid log and I hadnt done any for a few days it was a usually a whole bar when the log was out . It was quite a good incentive especially when it was realy fat and was stretching my arse so wide it was really sore and stinging I would often have tears streaming down my face but seeing that bar of chocolate and knowing that if I didnt do a poo it was the strap , I would sort of ignore the pain and force as hard as I could . Happy New Year to everybody . I hope only good things will happen to all you . I still busy , but hope I give you stories soon . And thank you for many lovely stories and other posts . I love it everything , my friends too . Hi again everyone ! Today ( Monday ) I went back to the cafe with the doorless cubicles since I was in town again , which I will get to in a minute . First I 'm going to fill in Lisa 's and Steve 's surveys . Does anyone else ever feel like after they eat more they have a much larger than normal poop ? like after holiday meals ? Yes , when I eat a large meal or a lot of snack foods , I definitely do a larger poo afterwards , Christmas especially ! Does the size of the bottom affect the size of the poop ? Probably not directly . My bum is about average size but I do some big poos sometimes ! 1 . During Halloween , if you 're far away from your house or if you go to another neighborhood to Trick or Treat and you or your kids have to use the bathroom , would you ask someone to use their bathroom depending if they had to pee or poop ? Well I don 't go trick or treating myself , and I don 't have kids , but if I did I might ask to let my kids go for a wee in their toilets . Not poo though ! 2 . Would you let someone use your bathroom if they knock on your door / ring the doorbell and if they really had to go ? Not if they just randomly came to my house , unless I knew them . 4 . Would you use a bathroom without stalls / no privacy at all in case of an emergency ? Again , I have done ( see below for an example ! ) , but they did have at least a modicum of a cubicle around them . I have used toilets with no walls at all around them at the gym and at campsites before though , and it was embarrassing but I needed to go and I wasn 't the only one using them , at least ! 5 . In a public place with 2 bathrooms and the one that 's your gender is closed , would you use the other one in case of an emergency ? Yes , again I have done in the past , quite often when it 's one of those single occupancy ones , and a few times in a full bathroom . Well , as I said above I went back to the cafe I used at the weekend today since I was in town and wanted some lunch , and I definitely enjoyed my visit there before ! After eating , I needed to do a wee quite urgently since my bladder was quite full , and I felt full but didn 't actually need to do a poo yet , although I felt like I would soon . I decided to go do my wee and then wait for a few minutes to see if I could do anything else . I paid and went into the ladies . This time there was a woman of about 30 sat on the toilet furthest from the door on the same side as it , the one I had used the first time I went . She looked a little embarrassed at being caught on the loo since she had been alone in there . This meant I had little choice , without seeming odd , but to sit on the toilet nearest the door on the opposite wall to it , which was the most exposed to anyone walking in , or using the sinks , which were next to it . At this point I was slightly regretting my decision ! But , I had to have a wee at least , so I went to it and pulled my skirt , tights and red knickers to just below my knees and sat down . From my seat I could see that the woman had her skirt and pink knickers just above her knees ( one thing I find interesting is what other women do with their clothes when they are on the loo ) ! I also had a good view of the door . I felt embarrassed but also quite free , knowing others could see me sitting with my pants down but that I would be able to see them too . I started to release my wee after a little while . I heard a few trickles of wee from the other woman too . After a minutes , just as I was finishing , a blonde woman came in . She was about my age and quite tall . She looked quite surprised at seeing me sitting on the toilet as she walked in , and at the toilet arrangements in general , but she went and sat on the one to my left , opposite the other woman . I saw her pull down her jeans and then I could see her down to her chest as she sat . I heard her start to wee as the first woman began to wipe . I finished my wee and sat quietly to see if my bowels would need any attention . I felt pressure but nothing was ready to come out just yet so I decided to wait a few minutes . The first woman flushed and went to wash her hands , standing just to my right at the sinks , which made me feel a bit self conscious as I knew that , if she looked , she could see everything . She walked out after drying her hands , leaving me and the woman sitting to my left . She was still finishing her wee . I started to feel my poo coming , so I pulled my skirt and knickers halfway down my calves so I could relax a bit more . A slim blonde girl of about 16 walked in then . Again she looked surprised at the arrangements . I could see her hesitate but then I guess she decided that since other girls were using them , she might as well too . She walked to the toilet opposite me and pulled down her leggings and black knickers to her knees as she sat with her hands on her thighs . She started to have a wee as the woman next to me wiped and flushed , going to wash her hands before leaving . As she did she held the door open for another woman , who was in her mid 20s and brunette . She walked in and went to sit next to the other girl , pulling down her jeans and pink knickers partway down her calves like me . She started to do a wee as the other girl finished . By now I knew I would definitely be doing a poo before I left the loos so I stayed seated quietly , as did the blonde girl , so I guessed she wanted to release a poo too . So , as it turned out , did the brunette , as I heard two quick plops from her and then she started to tear off some paper . She wiped her bum while seated and then flushed , going to wash her hands . Again I felt like I could feel her eyes on me as she did so ! She left , leaving me and the blonde girl alone . Since she was still sitting there I knew she was needing a poo , but I guessed either she was embarrassed , constipated , or waiting for it to come out like me . Since I had done nothing since she sat down I knew that she knew that I was waiting to poo as well . She started playing with her phone as she waited . After a couple of minutes I had to pass some gas , which I was rather embarrassed about the idea of since the room was silent ! It had to come out though , so I tried to release it quietly , and failed ! The girl looked up as she heard me fart , but then looked back down at her phone . I was about to say , ' excuse me , ' but the door opened again and a girl of about 14 walked in . Her eyes were drawn first to the blonde girl who was to her right as she walked in , again she looked surprised and I saw her look at her for a few seconds , she then started walking to a toilet . She stared at me for a moment as she walked past , too , obviously surprised to see two girls sitting on the loos in full view ! She took the toilet next to the blonde , and pulled her jeans and yellow knickers down almost to her feet as she sat . My poo was still not quite ready to come out , even though I gave a couple of pushes , and neither was the blonde girl 's . The new arrival sat without weeing , so I guessed she might need to have a number two as well . Either nobody wanted to be the first to start pooing , or we were all a bit constipated , because a couple of minutes passed in silence ! It was clear by now that we all needed a bowel movement . By then I could feel that mine was ready to come out . Since the blonde girl had heard me fart I figured I might as well start things off , so I pushed a little and my long first log started to come out quietly , before making a plop in the water . Both the other girls looked at me as they heard the sound , which made me feel rather embarrassed again ! After another minute I heard a quiet crackling from the blonde girl , and I knew her poo was starting to come out . It dropped with a plop , and I heard another one from her a feWalmart Yesterday , I went to Walmart to have a picture printed from one of the insta - print kiosks . The claim ticket said my picture would be ready in five minutes . Since the photo kiosk was up at the front of the store , I decided to head over to the restroom . I didn 't feel like shopping , and I felt like I needed to poop . So , I head into the restroom and go to the stalls . Someone was pooping in the handicapped stall , so I took the regular one . I went in , shut the door , and tried to lock it . The lock didn 't fit into the groove . Not only that , but there was at least a one - inch gap between the door and the side of the stall . The gap didn 't bother me , but I really didn 't want the door flying open as I was sitting there on the toilet . So , I took a couple minutes to play with the lock to make it work . I finally got the lock into the grove , and was confident it would stay in place . Once the door was locked , I pulled down my pants and underwear and sat on the toilet . Being someone who was previously afraid to poop in public restrooms , I felt proud of myself that I could sit on a public toilet with a big gap like that . It really isn 't that big of a deal , though . If anyone was going to see me sitting on the toilet through that gap , it would most likely be a kid . . . who was most likely going to do exactly what I was doing . When you gotta go , you gotta go , right ? So , as I sat there , I let some little farts . As it turned out , I didn 't need to poop after all . Just fart a little . And nobody walked by my stall , so there wasn 't anyone to see me or buddy dump with me . I think I will try this Walmart bathroom again sometime , and I 'll hopefully poop for real and build some more confidence with public restrooms . It should be cold and snowy here this time of year , but today was totally sunny and 47 degrees F ( 8 C ) . So three friends and I decided to go hiking in a beautiful state park . On the way back to the car I could feel my guts rumbling . The park restrooms were all closed for the winter , so I was going to find a hidden spot in the woods but with the trees all bare , there wasn 't any place where I couldn 't be spotted from the parking lot . My friends were two girls and a guy , and I 'm a guy . I would have peed against a tree , no problem , but I was afraid the girls ( or maybe someone else ) might see me squatting . I decided to hold it . Meantime , after we got going the pressure was building inside me and I told my friends about my problem . One of them said we could stop at a gas station in a nearby town . On the way out of the park we spotted a porta - potty at one of the parking lots . I asked my friend who was driving to stop there instead . You always wonder whether the porta - johns will be clean and have paper . This one was clean , all right , but there was very little paper . I sat down as fast as I could and the poop came out of me like soft - serve ice cream . It wasn 't diarrhea , but it wasn 't real solid logs either . Just one huge snake of poop . Just as I was in mid - dump , there was a knock on the door . I thought maybe one of my friends was pranking me or had to go , too , because there was no one else around but us when we pulled in . I said nicely , " Just a minute . " The person outside said nothing . Just then I let out a huge , blasting fart . Whoever was outside sure heard that , I thought . Luckily , I didn 't need a lot of tp to wipe with . That surprised me because I had pooped a really huge pile . Worse yet , there was already so much stuff in the tank that my poop didn 't go down into the blue liquid . It just sat there on top of everything else for all the world to see . After I got dressed and used the hand sanitizer I thought about putting some strips of tp over my poop to hide it . The weather was cool so didn 't stink and there weren 't any flies , but it was a really big pile of crap for someone to have to look at . But then I thought if I hide it with tp , whoever is waiting might not have enough to use . I didn 't want to keep the person outside waiting any longer , so I opened the door . There stood the fairest of maidens , in her early 20s , her red hair falling to the middle of her back in two long pigtails . She had on an oversized major league baseball t - shirt and long black pants and looked so charming in that instant . All I could do was flash her my best smile and say , " Hi ! " She returned my greeting with a huge grin and a cheery " Hi ! " I held the door open for her as she went in and she thanked me . I was trying to think of something apologetic to say like , " Sorry if I kept you waiting " or whatever , but all that would come out was , " It 's very clean . " Duh ! She could see that for herself . I guess she only had to pee because she came out pretty soon just as we were getting ready to leave , but I know she must have gotten a good look at my pile . It was impossible to miss ! As she headed for her car she flashed a quick , bashful grin toward our car . That left me with no doubts . Well , at least she wasn 't disgusted , I thought . But I asked myself , what are the odds that with so few people in the park and no one else around that parking lot but my friends and me , or so I thought , someone would knock on the door while I was in download mode ? Sonya Sue No , I would never want to do that . In fact , last year that happened when my sister Tlana , who has a couple dozen baby sitting customers , needed help when several working parents couldn 't get off to take their kids trick or treating . I took 4 of them out and 1 parent wanted her son to visit his grandparent 's house like 6 blocks away so Tlana and I went to different neighborhoods . I had each of my group go in and a least try to to go before we left home , but after about 20 minutes after we left , Adam , said he had to poo . So our group walked over to a park where there was like a 3 - staller . Luckily , it was still open . So I took Adam , into the ladies side , made sure the seat was down , and helped him take his pilgram hat and mask off so he could get his 5 year old butt onto the stool . Then I had to help him wipe . It was almost flat dark and the lights didn 't work and the 3 girls waiting for us were somewhat uncooperative . It got better , though , after I bribed them with a trip to DQ later if they shaped up and were more respectful to Adam . Foolishly , I did back when I was like 11 and home alone . The boy was a couple of years older than me and he was walking home from the library . He came to our house because we have a Block House sign on our door because we help with the neighborhood watch program . I continued to work on my computer while he was upstairs . He thanked me and left , but I didn 't check on him . Turns out that he peed over the front of the seat and had a huge crap that wouldn 't flush . When my mom came home an hour later and found it , she was furious with me . She grounded me , took away my computer and TV for a week , and made me watch with her and discuss this ' stranger danger ' DVD she had . This is big at my high school because almost half the stalls are doorless due to vandalism . I have used a doorless cubicle more than once to pee because I 'm very fast and efficient . Crapping takes me longer and I don 't feel as confident with others standing there and watching what I 'm dropping . It makes me feel awkward and I don 't know what to do or say . I just don 't have the confidence of this one girl at school who was seated , underwear and jeans at the floor , and some girl walks in and asks her when she 's going to be done . The girl extended her middle finger and the girl just swore and moved farther down the row of toilets . 4 . In a public place , there 's 2 bathrooms - - 1 for each gender . The one for your gender is closed . Would you use the other one ? Yes , and I have but only in places like a gas station or convenience store where the bathrooms are like single toilet . I remember when I was like 4 or 5 and out alone with Dad . When I would have to go , a couple of times he took me into these huge mens rooms with guys on 1 side of us at a trough pissing and others seated on the toilet with their johnson in their hand . I was like so embarassed and sometimes even held off telling him I needed to use the bathroom . But he has said his bladder is small and dragging me along with him was so gross . First of all , welcome ! It 's always good to see a new face here ! I 'll start by answering your questions : Does anyone else ever feel like after they eat more they have a much larger than normal poop ? Like after holiday meals ? Yep , that 's exactly what happens to me . I end up pooping a larger version of my normal number two : a monster , followed by two smaller pieces . All are generally firm , but not to the point where pushing hurts or feels uncomfortable . It makes wiping my butt pretty easy ! Does the size of the bottom affect the size of the poop ? I have a larger bottom and have some decently sized poops ! So does a petite girl have small poops ? My bottom is on the round side as well and I definitely tend to have bigger than average poops . A smaller bottomed girl might or might not be different . When you are pooping do you sit straight up or lean forward ? I like to sit as far back on the seat as I can and lean back against the upturned lid . I 'll lean forward if heavier pushing is needed and also reach behind to adjust each cheek to a more open position if I 'm really sitting on the struggle bowl . Does anyone else 's butt hang over the sides of the toilet when sitting down ? How do you know that you have to poop ? I can feel pressure building up inside of my butt that tends to direct me to the nearest toilet . Farting relieves some of it but I know that I 'll end up going in my undies if I don 't empty my bottom shortly ! Joanne I have never posted here before but came across this site . I am about 5 ' 8 with brown hair that goes to my shoulders , fit yet I have a big round bubble butt . Recently I have had issues with my daughter pooping her pants . I don 't know why . But last night she pooped her pants and lied to me . in our house , lying earns you a spanking . So after a talking to I took her to my room to warm her bottom . I sat down and while she was getting into position I started feeling a poop coming . I simply clenched and focused on the punishment I was dishing out . I started the spanking and the pain in my bottom from holding in my poop started builidng . I clenched and squirmed a little to press my bottom in the bed to keep from pooping right there . Seconds later I farted . I simply finished her spanking with a flurry of smacks to her butt and sent her to her room . I then rushed into my private bathroom and pushed out 3 huge post christmas dump logs . In the distance I could hear my daughter sniffling from her spanking . I wiped and sat for a few minutes before getting up and looking at my dump and flushing . bowel movements earlier in the day both of which were fairly normal . Shortly after getting seated , I excused myself to go to the men 's room . By this time the server had already taken our drink order and I ordered nothing as I wasn 't sure where Next page : Old Posts page 2431 >< Previous page : 2433 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey

Catherine woke up after another restless night and sat up in bed , rubbing at her temples , trying to will away a dull but persistent headache . She sighed aloud as her thoughts turned to Vincent . It had been four weeks since he had sent her away , then left in the middle of the night to be alone . She missed him desperately and couldn 't help her constant state of worry . She knew he was struggling with the fact that he 'd caused the deaths of the intruders . She also knew that what had happened really had been out of his control . She blamed herself . If she had only listened to him and stayed Above . . . She shook off the train of her thoughts . She would have no regrets about that day . She knew that given the same circumstances , she would once again head Below to try to help in any way she could . Everyone who lived there had become like a family to her , and she cherished their lives more than her own . She would never be able to stay away from them if there was something in her power she could do to help . Impulsively , she grabbed the phone and dialed the office . " Hey , Carrie . It 's Cathy . " She waited for a response , then plunged ahead . " Can you tell Joe I 'll be late this morning ? I 've got some research I need to do . . . " She cringed at the little white lie , then waited for the answer before she hung up the phone . After a deep cleansing breath , she headed to the bathroom to take a shower . She finished in record time and grabbed her keys on the way out the door , then took the elevator to the basement level . She walked the familiar path towards the home tunnels . Around every bend , she expected to see Vincent walking towards her , and she quickly became discouraged when it didn 't happen . Lost in her thoughts , she frowned when she walked into a dead end . She gasped in surprise as she turned around , then looked back at the wall in front of her . " I can 't believe I took a wrong turn . . . " she grumbled as she back - tracked her way through the tunnel . She came to a familiar junction and cocked her head quizzically . " I was right . . . " she said aloud as she stared back at the way she 'd just come . A noise behind her had her spinning around , and her thoughts immediately jumped back to the intruders . She could see nothing behind her , but she constantly looked over her shoulder as she took a different path . Several more times she stopped and listened carefully to the sounds around her . She kept imagining she heard footsteps . She stopped at Vincent 's chamber and frowned when she saw it was dark and cold . " Vincent . . . come back to me . . . " she murmured aloud . Once again a strange noise had her frowning curiously as she made her way to the library . She looked over at him with a weak smile . " Hello , Father . " She looked behind her and then back at him before she shook her head and walked the rest of the way inside . Father frowned and nodded his head . " We all feel that way . It 's been an ordeal since the intruders were . . . " He stopped himself and cleared this throat . " Well . . . um . . . we 're just now starting to relax again . " He motioned to an empty chair , and Catherine gratefully sat down and watched him pour her a cup of tea . He looked at her as he handed her the steaming cup . " He 's still not back . " Catherine chewed her bottom lip . " Do you think he 's okay ? " she asked as she pinned him with a level stare . Father looked away from her and sighed . " I know he 's . . . physically fine . Mouse takes supplies to a way - station every few days . Each time he goes back , the supplies are missing . " Father smiled for the first time . " He 's left a few brief notes . They don 't give me much indication of his thoughts and feelings , but at least I know he 's alive . " He reached over to the drawer on the side of his desk and brought the notes out for Catherine to see . She opened the first one , and tears sprang to her eyes as she reverently ran a finger over the familiar scrawl : Arrived safely . V . I 'm well was the next one , and Need more time , don 't worry was on the third . By the time she got to the fourth , she was starting to realize how alone he must truly feel . She let the tears fall when she saw his last note : I am working my way through it all slowly . V Father handed her a box of tissues , and she smiled gratefully as she took one and dabbed at her eyes . " The last one is more encouraging . . . " " It 's good to be here again . " Catherine grew thoughtful , then chuckled . " I almost didn 't make it . I got lost and had to try a few different ways until I found a path that went all the way through . " Father reddened with embarrassment . " I 'm so sorry , Catherine . I 'd forgotten about the extra measures we took when Vincent left . I never even thought about . . . I mean . . . I just didn 't realize . . . " Father was stammering , and Mary patted his shoulder affectionately . " Now , Father . . . " She turned to Catherine and giggled . " He 's trying hard not to admit he forgot about you . " Catherine had figured it out for herself and giggled along with Mary . " I suppose I could try to forgive him . . . unless you think he did it on purpose ? " she said with a wink . Father looked horrified . " I would never do such a thing ! It 's just that I have always taken for granted that Vincent would tell you . . . what . . . and with all the changes happening here Below . . . and Vincent gone missing . . . " He seemed to be truly sorry and quite flustered , and Catherine couldn 't keep up her teasing any longer . She came over and impulsively kissed his cheek . " I was just teasing ! " He looked relieved as the two women sat down . Mary took Catherine 's hand and squeezed it affectionately . " You sounded so anxious earlier . You must miss him horribly . " Mary ignored him and smiled at Catherine . " Do you need him back sooner for something ? You could write him a letter and send it with Mouse . . . I know he 'd love to hear from you . " Just then some of the children ran into the room . " Look , Father ! " cried Kipper . He was dressed as a pirate as he waved a sword in the air . " I 'm a mad scientist ! " declared Eric with a smile on his face . Mary had seen Catherine 's expression darken earlier , and she shooed the children out the door . " Go now and get out of those costumes before you ruin them . Halloween is only a few days away , and we won 't have time for repairs ! " Father hid his smile as they marched out . He caught Mary 's look and frowned as he looked back at Catherine . Mary took Catherine 's hand again . " Were you hoping he 'd be back for Halloween ? " Catherine wished she hadn 't been so transparent with her feelings . " We had such a beautiful time Above last year . . . I guess I was just hoping . . . My God ! You must think I 'm so selfish ! " Mary shook her head vehemently . " Not at all , dear . It 's only right that you want the one night Above that you can share safely . " Father exploded . " Safely ! There is no safety for Vincent in the world up top ! I , for one , am glad to say that he won 't be going Above this year . " Catherine sighed and looked down . " It 's just that entire night seemed so magical . We walked everywhere together and just talked and talked . My favorite part of the whole night was the carriage ride through Central Park . . . " Catherine looked tentatively at Father , then back at Mary who was anxious to hear more . " The moon was out , and it cast such a beautiful glow on everything ! I think Vincent truly enjoyed himself . Father softened as he thought back to Vincent 's state of mind when he came back that next morning . Father had lectured him , but Vincent was in such a glorious mood the usual comments rolled off his back . Father shook his head in disbelief as he smiled coyly at Catherine . " You took him on a carriage ride in Central Park ? " Catherine shrugged indifferently . " We were there and the thought just popped into my head and I asked Vincent to go with me . " She glanced at Father . " The driver was really nice , and we had no problems . I promise you . . . I would never put Vincent in danger . " Catherine continued on . " It was only one night , and I would gladly give it up if I knew Vincent was all right . . . " She pulled herself away from her thoughts . " I 'm sorry to trouble all of you . I 'll . . . just wait to hear from him . " Tears filled her eyes , and she looked away . Father grimaced again and touched her arm . " Dear , you 're always welcome to come Below and visit , even if Vincent is not around . " Catherine blinked through her tears . " It 's hard to be here without him . I keep looking for him to walk into the room . I think I 'll just . . . " She stood suddenly and grabbed her purse . Mary stood and grabbed her hand . " Catherine , as soon as he gets back , we 'll send word . " It was now close to six weeks since Vincent disappeared . Catherine knew if he had returned Father would have kept his word and sent a message to her . She couldn 't remember how many times these past few weeks she had debated about taking a leave of absence and making Mouse go with her to find Vincent and bring him back . Each time , she calmed herself with the knowledge that , when Vincent had worked through all that happened , he would come back to her . She stepped back and shook her head . " I hardly recognize you ! Look at you . You 're starting to fade away . You have shadows under your eyes , and I bet you 've lost at least twenty pounds ! " Vincent hid his grin as he listened to Mary ramble on . He knew she would be fussing over him , and he was grateful she cared . " I 'm fine , Mary . " Mary shook her head . " You 're exhausted and malnourished and . . . " She wrinkled her nose . " Dirty . You go take a bath this instant ! You can visit with Father tomorrow . " Vincent rolled his eyes . He had just bathed this morning and put on fresh clothing , but he decided to play along . " I would like to bathe in warm water for a change . " Mary pushed on his back . " Good . I 'll take your duffel bag to the laundry room and then I 'll get you a tray from William . That should give you plenty of time to take a bath . " Vincent nodded and headed to the bathing chamber . In no time at all , he 'd washed his hair and his body and dressed . He was sitting in his chamber when Mary brought in his tray of food . " Now eat all of this , and brush your teeth before you go to bed . " Father walked into the room and laughed . " Mary , you 've been saying that to him for over thirty years ! I think he knows the routine by now . " Mary blushed with embarrassment . " I 'm sorry . I 'm so used to mothering the children . . . I guess I forgot who I was talking to . " Mary smiled . " Oh , that reminds me . You need to send word to Catherine that you 're back . The poor girl was beside herself with worry . I 'm sure she 'll race right down here to see you . " Mary 's hands went to her hips in indignation . " Tomorrow ! Why on earth can 't you take a minute to write a few lines right now . . . " Mary stopped immediately . " Um . . . I should check on the children . Kipper and Eric have both had the sniffles . . . " She left , and Vincent sat there , looking forlorn . Vincent looked at the tray . Even though his stomach had clenched into knots at the mention of Catherine , he knew he couldn 't allow the food to go to waste . He sat down and began to eat . Six weeks of light meals had taken its toll , and he ended up devouring the meal in front of him . Mary began to pace . " It 's not like him . Before the . . . well . . . before . . . he would have gone to her no matter what time of night it was . " " I know . " " Mary ! " Father again interrupted her . " I know . " Mary stopped her tirade and sat down on the bed next to him . " Catherine deserves better . Not just for what she means to Vincent , but what she means to the whole tunnel community . She has become an important part of all of our lives . " " Yes . " She looked at him uncertainly , and he nodded . " I promise you , Mary . If Vincent won 't send word , I 'll get a message to Catherine . " Mary smiled and kissed his cheek . " Thank you . " Suddenly she realized where she was , and she got up quickly from the bed . " Goodnight , Mary . " The next morning , Father made his way towards Vincent 's chamber . He was surprised when he saw Vincent sitting up in a chair with young Amy on his lap . Vincent was reading from a Dr . Suess book , and Amy was giggling and squirming on his lap . Vincent hid his smile as Father looked away quickly to hide his own smile . His face was stern once again when he looked back . " Vincent wanted to read to you ? " Amy frowned thoughtfully . " It wasn 't a sound sleep . He was making lots of noise like this . . . " Amy imitated a snore , and Vincent covered his face to hide his laughter . Father bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing , but his eyes sparkled as he looked at her . " That 's a noise people make when they are sleeping . " " I 'm not normal either . I 've thought about this for a while . It 's already been a few months now . She 's used to me not being in her life . The transition should be easier . " Father looked down , knowing that it wouldn 't be any easier on Catherine . A small part of him agreed with Vincent , but an even bigger part of him thought Vincent was making a huge mistake . " It 's up to you , Vincent . I 'll stay out of it . " Vincent 's relief was short lived as Father spoke again . " But . . . Catherine has become an important part of our community , and I will not let her feel as if she has been cast aside . The last time she was here I promised I would send word upon your return . " Mouse chose that time to run into the chamber . Father frowned with anger . " Mouse ! Did you not get the message from Pascal or see the note in the tunnel way ? " Father watched the two men leave , and he shook his head with worry . He walked back to his chamber , composed a note to Catherine , then sent it by messenger . His heart was heavy as he slowly made his way to the dining chamber . During breakfast , Vincent visited with the tunnel community . It seemed like everyone had a kind word to express their relief that he was back among them again . Later , Vincent went into the library to borrow a book . He suddenly felt a coldness sweep through his body . He shrugged off the feeling and went back to his chamber to read . Catherine ignored him . She gazed through a store window , then impulsively walked towards the door . She had been searching for the right gift to present to Vincent . She had hoped to take his mind off of the horrendous incident with the intruders , and although deep down she knew the memory could never be erased , she hoped it would gently nudge it to the back of his mind . " Cathy ! This is a book store , not a burger joint ! " The shop owner came forward to talk to Catherine . Joe groaned aloud - she was going to be a while . He left her alone to shop while he went to get something to eat . Mr . Smythe , the shop owner , listened to her requests , then directed her towards the English poetry section . Catherine was glancing from title to title when a rumpled looking man suddenly appeared and handed her a book . Catherine looked at him quizzically , but realized upon opening the book that it was absolutely perfect . Just what she wanted . When she looked up to thank him , the man was gone . She looked down the aisles as she made her way up to the register , then shrugged the incident off , paid for the book , and left with Joe . Discouraged by another set - back in the case , Joe and Catherine hurried to the elevator to get to their office only to become separated . Joe headed up in the crowded elevator , leaving Catherine to wait for the next car . Before it arrived , she was approached by the very man who had recommended the book she bought at the bookstore . " No , I 've got some deadlines coming up , and there is no way I 'm getting out of here before . . . I don 't know . . . tomorrow . But what 's up ? Tell me why you 're so anxious to see me . " Jenny went on to tell Catherine how she had once posed nude for an old boyfriend , only to discover , when he was finished , that she wasn 't even in the picture . Joe came up and Catherine ended the call with Jenny . He had overheard the conversation and warned Catherine about posing for the guy . He pried Kristopher Gentian 's name out of Catherine , then nonchalantly walked away . Catherine came back from getting files from Rita when she saw a sandwich on her desk . She raced over and dug out the note she knew would be enclosed . Joe was walking over , and she quickly hid the note under a file . " Hey , Joe . " " Hey Radcliffe . . . " He noticed the sandwich on her desk . " Never mind . I was gonna ask if you wanted to grab a bite , but I see you already got lunch . " He looked around for the deliveryman . " Great , now I missed the chance to buy something too . " " Joe , I brought leftovers from dinner last night . Take it , " she said as she held up the sandwich . " Why 'd you buy this then ? " With relief , Catherine sat back in her seat , though tears formed in her eyes . Joe walked up again , and Catherine quickly blinked them away . Joe frowned . " You all right , Cath ? " " Huh . Thanks for lunch . " Joe left , and Catherine grabbed her purse and headed for the bathroom . She locked herself in a stall as the tears fell from her eyes and thoughts raced through her mind . I can 't believe he came back last night but didn 't come to see me . Now Father sends me word of his return . What can he be thinking ? My God , what did he go through down there ? Oh , Vincent . Please come to me tonight . . . Over the next few nights , Catherine slept with a light on and the curtains open . Throughout the night , she would awaken when she thought she heard footsteps , and she would race to the balcony . By the third day , she was exhausted and thought she saw shadows moving in her living room . When she went to look , she found the room empty . On the fourth day , Catherine broke down and wrote Father a note . Father received the message , sat back in his chair , and nodded gratefully . He should 've known Catherine would come through for him . He should 've known she would not sit idly by . He should 've known she would demand a face - to - face confrontation with Vincent . This could be just the ticket , he thought . Vincent had moped around for four days . Sure , he 'd gone back to performing all his old duties : teaching , sentry duty , tunnel maintenance . He did them all automatically ; the spark seemed to be gone from his life . The smiles he gave never quite reached his eyes , and a constant sadness could always be seen in them . " She asked me to convey a message to you . She 'll be at the culvert entrance in the park tonight at 10 : 30 . " " Father , please send her word that I won 't be able to come , " Vincent pleaded . " No ! " Vincent looked up in shock as Father crossed his arms in front of his chest . " If you want to break her heart , you 'll have to do it yourself . " " And I told you no , Vincent . I won 't . That girl deserves better than what you 're doing to her ! " Mary nodded . " He 's right , Vincent . If you no longer want to see her , then tell her that yourself . Don 't leave her hanging on to false hope . " Father exploded with anger . " Put aside your personal relationship with Catherine for a moment . She is a well - loved helper of this community who deserves to be heard . She 's asked to speak with you , and as leader of this community I demand that you take the time to hear what she has to say . Now , will you go to see her ? " " Thank you . " Father turned back to Mary , and the two started to discuss the children 's upcoming physicals . Vincent quietly slipped from the room . Mary noticed his departure and looked worriedly at Father . " You 're forcing him to go . . . " " Why , Father ? You 're making him see her . Don 't you think it will be too hard for him to do ? I 'm worried about his mental state . " " I am too , Mary . That 's why I 'm making him see her . " " And all will be well again . " His smile turned to a frown . " Hopefully ! I can only pray that I 'm making the right decision . " Catherine arrived at 10 : 20 and slowly paced around the front of the entrance . Twenty minutes later , she walked inside the culvert and stood in front of the steel gate . She struggled with the decision of going in or not . This is the only world he has . I can 't just … invade … it if he doesn 't want to see me . She walked back outside and paced again for another ten minutes . She finally gave up and leaned against the wall and waited . Ten minutes later , she glanced at her watch . He was thirty minutes late . With a sigh , she shoved off from the wall and began to walk away . She 'd only walked a few steps when she turned at a sound behind her . Vincent came out of the shadows , his face partially hidden beneath his hood . Catherine felt no warmth from him , and the bond remained silent . " That I might not come , " Vincent interrupted her . " I was . . . away . There 's a place . . . miles beneath the city , a nameless river that runs through the darkness . Sometimes I go there . " Vincent knew how expensive and hard to come by first editions were , and he secretly cherished the gift . He felt his heart beginning to soften , and he knew he had to stay strong if he wanted to set her free . " Lancelot was fatally flawed , " he said . " Destined never to find the grail . " Over the course of the weeks he spent in solitude , Vincent had convinced himself she would look at him again and the only thing he would be able to see in her eyes would be disgust . Now , he chanced a look over at her and saw only her love and acceptance . He felt the coldness melt from his heart . In its place was only uncertainty . Catherine felt the change in him and bravely stepped forward . She embraced him and sighed in relief when she felt his arms enclose her . They hugged tightly as the bond filled once again with feelings of love . Catherine leaned back and saw the love in his eyes , then touched her forehead to his before they hugged even tighter . Catherine felt his words pierce her heart , but she admired his honesty . " I 'm glad you don 't have the strength . I wouldn 't either . I don 't want whatever we have to end . I won 't let you set me free . " " Yes . I should ask you to come Below , but it 's so nice to be back outside . " " Would you like to take a walk ? " He looked uncertainly into the park and thought of the dangers that lurked in the shadows . Knowing he was not ready to play the role of protector , he shook his head . " I don 't think I 'm ready for that yet , but I could read for awhile . . . " he said shyly . Vincent began to read , and Catherine let the sound of his voice wash over her . She felt the tension between them melt away as they both fell under the spell of the story . Suddenly , a voice carried to them from nearby . She pushed Vincent into the culvert , then quickly walked away . She was shocked to find out the person whom they overheard was Kristopher . She angrily stomped away , but he followed behind her like a lost puppy . Catherine fought to keep her anger going when she realized Kristopher was a very likeable person . He begged her to go get coffee with him . Wondering how clearly he 'd actually seen Vincent , she relented and agreed to go with him , hoping to find out how much he knew . Below , Vincent hid just inside the sliding door , waiting for any sign that Catherine was in trouble . He felt her fear , then relief , followed by anger , and now … amusement . With a shake of his head , he headed to the library . " Vincent ? " Father said in surprise as Vincent walked in . " You 're back already ? " " I think sometimes . . . you grow careless . . . especially of late . You and Catherine lose yourselves in the moment . " Vincent scoffed . " And in the night and the stars . . . " " No ! That is not how it was . I heard all of the stirrings of the city : the distant sound of traffic , the wind rustling in the foliage , someone skipping stones across the lagoon . " Vincent shrugged . " She pushed me inside the culvert . I felt her fear for the briefest of time , then her disbelief and anger . Now . . . she seems relaxed . " " So it 's possible that it 's someone she knows . She should be able to run interference for you . Perhaps you 've gotten lucky and not been seen . " Father nodded , knowing Vincent was right . Catherine had proven herself time and time again , and Father knew she would protect Vincent with her dying breath . " I agree . Let 's just hope she 's able to protect you this time . " Father sat down heavily and looked back at Vincent . " So things are . . . cleared up between you two ? " " Hear me out , Vincent . Catherine is a healthy woman , who at one time has been with other men . I can see you two growing closer every day ! What will you do when the time comes to . . . " Vincent walked towards his chamber , stopping only long enough to grab his cloak . He headed to Catherine 's apartment and waited patiently on her balcony . Although he was anxious to see her , he enjoyed looking out into the city . An hour passed before he finally heard her key in the door . Catherine saw his familiar outline and headed outside . " Vincent . " She ran into his arms and hugged him . " I was worried . I felt your fear , but it quickly went away . I knew you were all right . Did you know the man ? " " Sort of . I met him in the bookstore . He gave me the book I bought for you . When I looked up to thank him , he was gone . I didn 't think anything of it until later on when he approached me at my office building . " Something woke Catherine from a sound sleep . She sat up in bed and thought she saw a shadow dart into her kitchen . She slipped from beneath the covers and quietly dug her gun out of her nightstand , then slowly made her way into the kitchen . Her heart beat wildly as she flicked on the light and looked into the empty room . She glanced around the room , then at her front door where all of her locks were in place . With a frown , she headed back to bed , only to wake an hour later when she felt someone was in her bedroom . She let her eyes open just a slit and saw what she thought was a shadow in her bathroom . She lay there and stared at the door , then , when no one came out of her bathroom , she again got the gun out and headed to the bathroom . Again , a flick of the light switch revealed no one in the room . Vincent was walking through the tunnels that night , but stopped often to look around . He kept hearing what sounded like footsteps . He cocked his head and tried to hear the sounds again , but they never came . But when he would resume walking , he would hear it again . A few times he whirled around , only to see the shadows on the wall playing tricks with his eyes . He couldn 't shake off the feeling of being watched as he walked into his chamber . He frowned when he noticed the room had a different ' feel ' to it , but he shrugged and climbed into bed where he promptly fell asleep . Several times throughout the night , he woke up , a feeling of coldness surrounding him . He pulled up another blanket and , after a quick glance around the chamber , went back to sleep . Catherine was thinking about Kristopher the next day at work . Joe came up and questioned why she hadn 't completed the paperwork for one of her cases , and she admitted she was out with Kristopher . Joe came clean and admitted he 'd had him investigated . Catherine blew up with anger , but it was short lived . She realized Kristopher had lied to her . He wasn 't who he claimed to be . A thought suddenly crossed her mind and she gasped . Why hadn 't it registered sooner ? He had been begging her to go for coffee with him , and he promised not to talk about Vincent ! How could he have known Vincent 's name ? She tried to hurry through the files Joe wanted so she could take off at lunch and warn Vincent . But instead of heading Below , she decided to ask the bookstore owner a few questions . She walked into Joe 's office . " Joe , going back to the bookstore . " " Goody for you , Radcliff . " Joe rolled his eyes . " You 're real funny , Radcliff . Did it ever cross your mind that the old man and this Kristopher guy could be doing something illegal ? " " What about the old man ? " Catherine had no answer . Joe pushed back his chair and stood . " You won 't mind if I go along with you ? " Catherine made a face at him and entered the bookstore . Not ten minutes later , she had to admit Joe was right . The man didn 't know anything about Kristopher . Catherine frowned as she made her way back to the office . Kristopher knew of Vincent , and she needed to find out how . She needed to find Kristopher . " Hey , Rita . I need a favor . Can you run a check on a Kristopher Gentian ? " Rita handed her a file and held up her hands . " Joe already asked me to do it . I told him you 'd be mad . " Rita told Catherine all about Kristopher 's death . She also went on to explain that the owner of a bookstore , a Mr . Smythe , had to identify Kristopher 's body . Catherine knew then that Mr . Smythe had lied to her ! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All day long , Vincent felt as if he was being watched . He kept looking around , but there was never anyone there . Father frowned . " Vincent , I can tell you that many of us felt like that for weeks after . . . the intruders . You 've only just returned home . Give it awhile , and I 'm betting things will be back to normal . " Vincent went to his chamber and tried to rest . He was starting to relax when he heard a strange grating sound in his chamber . He listened carefully and heard it again . Getting up out of bed , he grabbed a candle to investigate the source of the sound . Mouse ran into the room . Vincent asked him to tell Father that he was going to see Narcissa . Narcissa saw Vincent coming long before he showed up . She also saw a spirit walking alongside of him . Alarmed , she chanted quietly as she peered closer into the waters and saw it meant no harm . " I saw you in the waters . . . " Narcissa felt his disbelief . " Oh yes , child , come look . " " All I see is ripples and reflections . . . the flame of the candle . " " What do you see ? " Vincent wondered . " Da past , da future , faces of da dead . Spirits seek their own level too , Vincent , like the waters . . . But I am a crazy old woman . Ask the Father . Did he tell you ghost stories when you were young , child ? " Vincent was again surprised that she knew why he was coming to see her , but his biggest concern was for Catherine and what she . . . what they . . . were experiencing . " Your world has room for spirits , Narcissa . Catherine lives in another world , a world where ghosts walk only in stories . " " Are you so sure , child ? Come here . . . look again . . . Open your eyes . . . look deep . . . Could such a being as this walk the world your Catherine lives in ? " Vincent was confused , but knew , in time , all she spoke of would be revealed . He picked up a basket from the table and handed it to her . " This is a package from William . Please accept it with my gratitude . " Narcissa lifted the towel from off the top of the basket and let the aromas fill the air . " He has labored much to make this . . . I will take it and send with you my thanks . " Narcissa had returned to putting herbs and spices in her water . " Go , child . Help Kristopher with his dream . " As Vincent walked back to the home tunnels , his head filled with images from the dreams he 'd been having lately . Over and over , he saw a young boy locked inside of a trunk , scribbling circles in coloring books . He stopped suddenly when Narcissa 's words came back to him . " Help Kristopher with his dream ? " he said aloud , as he puzzled over the odd comment . He shook his head in confusion as he started to walk again . Again , several times , he felt as though he wasn 't alone and would turn around to find no one there . With a sigh , he quickened his pace . Once he was near the home tunnels , he felt a pull in another direction . He followed it blindly , and as he got closer , the need to hurry became more urgent . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * After work , Catherine angrily confronted Mr . Smythe at his bookstore . He sheepishly admitted he hated talking about Kristopher 's ghost . Catherine questioned him further and discovered that Kristopher 's paintings were still in a warehouse , and she realized that she was being used for publicity purposes . She could already see the headlines : DA 's Office Finds Stolen Art . Mr . Smythe reluctantly handed it to her , and Catherine left to go see if she could find the art . She parked in front of the warehouse and saw that the door was locked with a heavy padlock . She got back in the car , and , as her headlights hit the lock , she saw it open in front of her . Curious , she got out of the car and made her way inside . Walking through the dark warehouse , Catherine nervously kept her eyes peeled for anyone . She startled when her flashlight suddenly went out . She tapped its side . It came back on , and she jumped when it shone on Vincent 's face . Relief flooded instantly through her when she saw him . " Vincent ! For a minute there I thought . . . Thank God it 's you ! I 'll tell you I 'm . . . " Catherine accused Kristopher of faking his own death , as the man led them through the warehouse . His possessions were tucked away in a back corner . Vincent helped Kristopher move the chest he 'd seen countless times in his dreams . It was filled with coloring books and crayons . Vincent wondered silently why these meager possessions were so important . " Oh , Kristopher , these are wonderful ! Where on . . . " Catherine began . She looked around and saw he wasn 't there anymore . " I hate it when he does this . " Catherine nodded . " There 's a foreclosure sign on the front of the building . I 'll call around in the morning and try to find out who owns this place . " Vincent held out his hand and Catherine took it . She glanced back at the paintings . " Vincent , help me cover these back up . I don 't want them damaged . " Catherine stepped back and looked up at him . " Please don 't shut me out of your life again . I 'm here for you , always . " He couldn 't go on , and Catherine tried to be understanding . " It 's okay . Just know that I 'm here for you . Goodnight . " " Can I ask a favor ? " She handed Rita a sheet of paper with an address on it . " This property 's in foreclosure . Can you find out which bank owns it and who I need to speak to about it ? " Rita made a face at the unusual request , but she nodded . " Yeah , but it 's gonna be awhile . The banks aren 't open yet . " Forty minutes later , Rita walked up to her desk . " Here it is . I don 't think you 're going to like it , " she said as she handed Catherine a sheet of paper . Catherine read the file . " The bank owned it until two days ago , when it was bought by Burch Construction . . . " She groaned aloud . " Great ! " " Sorry . " Rita smiled knowingly . " Oh , yeah ! Most people think we 're nuts . Five kids under the age of eight . . . But even though it wasn 't planned , we 're finally prepared for it . Well , at least mentally . It 's gonna be a lot of work . . . " Catherine had a mental image of holding her baby to her breast while Vincent sat behind her , holding them both , " Yes , but a lot of love as well . " " Yeah . But hey , you didn 't call here to ask me about my kids . What 's up ? " " He 's tearing it down , Cath . He 's trying to buy up the surrounding blocks . He 's got at least three of the five properties he wants . " " He 's trashing it . Some guy used to collect the leftovers from evicted tenants and store them there . I guess he thought he could resell the stuff and make a profit . Funny thing is , he lost the property in foreclosure . Payback , I guess . " " John , I have a friend who has some personal items in there , memories from his childhood . I want to help him out . Do you know if I could purchase the stuff inside the building ? " " Look , Elliot Burch said he would pay us to empty out the place . Cathy . If you can get the contents out by next week , you can have everything inside for free . " They were near the library , and Vincent dropped her hand . " Go speak with Father . I imagine you 're hungry . I 'll get you a dinner tray from William . " Father looked up and smiled . " Catherine , come in . . . sit down . " Catherine did as he said , then took the cup of tea he offered . " Vincent said you had something you needed to speak with me about ? " Catherine took a few bites of her meat and smiled . " Ooh , this is wonderful . I forgot to each lunch , and now I 'm starving ! " Vincent leaned over and smiled as she ate . " Never tell a doctor you 've skipped meals . Now he 'll lecture you for twenty minutes about the nutritional content of various foods and explain to you how the human body processes food . " Catherine giggled as she watched their exchange , all the while consuming the various vegetables and fruits on the plate . Father watched her and pointed at her plate . " She , at least , has the sense to eat all of her vegetables . " Catherine giggled as she wiped her mouth . " Speaking of hard labor . . . " she said , changing the subject . " That 's why I 'm here . " Both men looked at her curiously as she continued . " I have been able to secure the entire contents of the warehouse for free . " Father grabbed a notebook and handed it to Vincent . " Why don 't you take Cullen , Mouse , and Jamie with you , inventory the warehouse , and come up with some type plan to move it all . We 'll have everyone clear their schedules to start this weekend . I 'll contact our helper and see if we can use his elevator to bring it Below . " Catherine dragged her feet on the way home . She yawed and leaned against Vincent 's shoulder . He put his arm around her and cradled her against his side . " Sometimes the threshold seems so far . " They reached the threshold , and Vincent held her briefly . Catherine buried her face in his neck and kissed him lightly before he backed away . " Sleep well , Catherine . " " Hey , Cath . I got good news and bad news ! I called in a favor , and I got a gallery to showcase Kristopher 's work . The bad news is , I need it by this weekend so the owner can take a look at it and see which clients to invite . Call me first thing , okay ? " That night , Vincent and his crew sorted through the various piles and came up with a solid plan to move the merchandise . He was pleasantly surprised that more than half of it could be put to use Below . The rest would be given to a helper who had a thrift store . Later that day , Catherine received a message at work from Peter . Hi , Cathy . We need two moving vans for four hours on Saturday morning . I 'll meet you at the car place . I 'll be your second licensed driver . Call me when you know the time . Catherine made the arrangements , and Saturday quickly arrived . She stood and marveled at the efficient way the merchandise was removed . Crews were set up on both ends , and the vans hauled the treasures from one warehouse to another . At the second warehouse , Mary and Sara sorted through the boxes before they were taken Below , so they could be routed exactly where they needed to go . For the next four hours , Peter and Catherine continued driving back and forth between the two places . Often times , they would wave as they passed each other on the street , one with a full load , one empty . Catherine drove the last load of items , along with warehouse crew , back to the helper 's warehouse . They all got out and helped sort the remaining items . Catherine and Peter returned the vans . Peter was called away to deliver a baby , and Catherine headed Below . She pitched in once again , and finally everything was in its respective chambers . The dining chamber was strangely quiet while the exhausted members of the community ate their meals . Finally , Father stood . " I want to thank everyone for their help today . It just goes to show how good our community works together when there is a need . Tomorrow is another big day , and I would suggest we all get a good night 's rest . I 'd also like to extend my thanks to Catherine , without whom this day would not have been possible . " Two weeks later , the art gallery put Kristopher 's artwork on display . Catherine could tell that the art was well received , and she introduced Mr . Smythe to the owner of the gallery … in case any future paintings should happen to appear . She was leaving when the art gallery owner ran up to her and handed her a large package . He explained that it was wrapped and marked for her . He had kept it off to the side to make sure she received it . Vincent took her hand and turned . " Come . " He led her to a back door in a building across the street . From there , they took steps down to the basement , then another set of stairs led to the tunnels . Vincent walked into his chamber and propped the package up against the table . He and Catherine carefully removed the cloth cover from the front . Vincent gasped as he looked upon the beautiful painting . The portrait was of him … with his arms wrapped protectively around Catherine while she gazed on lovingly . " He had his sketch of me to work from , I suppose , but he must 've painted you from memory . Astonishing , isn 't it ? " " You might even say … magical . " Vincent looked at her , then back at the painting . They stood side by side , gazing at the beauty of the portrait in front of them . Eventually , Catherine leaned into him and laid her head in the crook of his neck . Vincent lowered his cheek to rest on her head . " Vincent ? " Catherine whispered . " Yes , "

I let Little " T " , the little six - toed kitten I rescued , out of his big dog carrier onto the screen porch for the morning . I thought of some names for him : Teetonka = Talks Too Much , in Sioux . Takoda = Friend of All , Native American . Toe - Toe , even though he doesn 't come from KS . Trey - Trey = three - three , for his six toes . But it won 't be up to me to name him now . This is Mikey , white poodle , after his bath , and before grooming . He is always dark gray when he first gets here , as he loves to roll in the dirt . His " Dad " had a stroke and people can 't understand him , so I try to help him out with Mikey . I didn 't know how I was going to groom Mikey with Emma in that big cage in the grooming room . Mikey has two cats , so I knew that he wouldn 't bother her , but I didn 't want her to get scared and upset . So I measured the cage , 42 " long x 28 " wide x 32 " high , and found out that if I dragged it into the middle room , which is really a hallway , I could still open that bathroom door , which is right of the picture , to bathe Mikey . It meant that I couldn 't get into the grooming room through the glass door behind her , but I could lead Mikey around the other way . I left the dutch doors open , while I groomed him , so that Emma could see that I had done this for her own good . She watched very intently from the top of the kitty condo . The two kittens are in a cage that stays there on the left , and they are used to being locked up when I am grooming . That all went well , except that I can 't drag the big cage back onto the cream linoleum pad that is behind Mikey in the picture , as the bottom rails keep on getting caught on the pad . I keep it under that cage in case water gets spilled , I don 't want rust marks on my Old Rose linoleum . Now it is stuck in the middle of the dutch doors , until I can get someone to help me . I don 't think that there is a button that I can hang around my neck and say " I got my cage stuck , and I can 't get ( it ) up " I spent some time gathering things together for tomorrow . I will be driving to Houston , well Cypress , tomorrowPosted by This is Emma , the cat boarder . She was named that , as she has a big " M " on her forehead . Golly , getting her to hold still is something else . All the rest of the pictures I took turned into a blurr . I found out last night that she will be staying with me for an extra four days . The first time I boarded her she was worried that the grooming room would be her permanent home , but she knows that her Mama will be back for her this time . Little " P " the little six - toed kitten will be going to a different SPCA foster mom , Terry , on Monday , so he will be a " T " then . ( Toesie , maybe ) Trying to keep all the cats apart is something else , so I will be glad when he leaves . Then I can bleach clean the screen porch , and the box out there , and let my cats back out there in the mornings , if I don 't do that before then . But if I do , Little " T " cannot go out there again , and he would have to stay locked up in the dog carrier , and that wouldn 't be very nice for him . Mine do get to run around the grooming room and the house for some " house time " , so they can do without the screen porch for a few days more . Except Emma , she has to stay in the grooming room , but she gets the run of that several times a day , when I lock the other two up . Like I said , keeping them all apart is keeping me busy . Ray and I put the last few finishing touches on the bathroom in the Class C . We had to take the mirror down to spray the lighthouse pictures , and I had to take more photos for the ad that is coming out . Then we were going to mount the table in it 's storing place , but decided on some different type of fasteners which I will have to buy , when I can get into town . I had an inquiry about my vintage 1968 HiLo Travel Trailer , so we got one of the new cellular blinds installed in the back window . Now , I can add that picture to the album of the HiLo , to send out to prospective buyers . The AC isn 't installed in it yet , and even though we had a fan in there , it was just too hot to do anymore . The other blind for the front window , and the drapes are all stored in LakeConroePenny , TX Another nice day . . . . for a while . , then it got hot and humid again . I let the 6 - toed kitten on the screen porch for a while , even though he is in a BIG dog carrier , I thought it would be change for him . I was waiting for Mindi 's husband to bring the two poodles to be groomed . I just puttered around doing odd jobs , and he never showed up . But Ray did , his pressure washing job down the road got cancelled for today . Good thing I didn 't go get another poodle down the street that is waiting to be groomed . I don 't mind doing Mindi 's dogs while Emma , the cat boarder , is here , as they know each other , but I don 't know what would happen if I brought a strange poodle in here , even though I would have locked her up in the big cage . I 'll wait to do Mikey until after Emma has gone home . Emma still hisses at Minkie and Boots , and I know there would be fur flying if they met without bars between them . I just let them take turns being loose in the room . Ray and I installed the new faucet on the plant sink on the porch . We found out why we couldn 't stop the old one from leaking , the place where the seat screws in , was cracked . Yesterday when I was at Big Lots , I bought an electric hedge trimmer . I know , you RV fulltimers don 't have to worry about mowing and hedge trimming , but I do . Jay used to bring his up here to do it , but I needed my own . Why not , I have every other tool imaginable ! Ray trimmed the 100 ' long Privet hedge along my fence . I planted it to keep the north wind off the back yard and the back of the house . In England , Privet doesn 't lose it leaves in the winter , but this does , so it isn 't much of a wind break . Maybe when it gets more established it won 't shed , I hope . When May was working here it was one of her jobs to keep it , and the long Aloe Vera bed in that trough in front of it , weeded and raked . It gets pine needles stuck in the Aloe , and under the hedge . She hasn 't been here for a while so it was a mess . Jay , Ray and I had been working on more important things , like RVs . It is all watered by an underground soaPosted by Bobcat was sulking as she couldn 't go out on her screen porch this morning . So she sat and looked at the traffic on the other road from a window at the back of the house . The little kitten I found zipped up in a bag at the dumpsters yesterday , is on Bobcat 's porch . It will come to me now , so I discovered that it is one of the rare 6 - toed cats , and that he is a boy . As it is easier for my SPCA boss to remember which fostermom has which animal , his name has to start with a P ( for Penny ) . So far all I have come up with is Peter , Pierre , Piper , and Perry ! ! Or Pied - a - Terre ( French for temporary lodging or Foot on the Ground ) . He is prettier than his pictures . Ray and I both had to make trips into the next town first thing , so we didn 't get started until late . We got a big dog carrier out that I haven 't used for years , and cleaned it up so that I could bring it in the house for the kitten to get out of the heat . I found a place where I could put the carrier , and set it up with blankies , litter box , food , and water . First , I had to put Revolution on him , so that he won 't bring in fleas . Now , Little " P " is very happy to be inside , and quit squaulling . Once he has been through Intake and checked by a vet , he can be with Minkie and Boots in the grooming room . He should get adopted fast . We had another battle with the porch sink faucet . There must be something terribly wrong with it 's innards . We tried different seats and 0 - rings , but is still leaks from it 's base , and it still leaks water under the sink . So I just bought a new faucet , and we will get that installed soon . I started sewing on the drape that closes off the bathroom from the living room in the Class B , and there came up a terrible wind with pine needles and twigs blowing all over the place . Rain was not in the forecast until tomorrow . I had only just got the kitten inside in time , as there came a terrible downpour that blew rain into the screen porch . No wonder it has been so humid . Not a very productive day . I hope that you are all enjoying Memorial Day . We all need to give thanks to those who kept this country free . Just think what our troops are going through right now , too . It started out nice , and the cats enjoyed being on the porch , but I brought them in midday again . Emma , the cat who I will be boarding for a week , arrived . I put a Kitty condo , her box , dishes and toys in the big German Shepherd cage . I left the door open so that she could wander around in the grooming room . I can 't mix up people 's animals , so I had to lock her up when I brought my kittens in from the heat . She doesn 't like them , and hisses at them . She will get over it . Right now it is her turn to be loose in there again , and my kittens are locked up in a cage in the middle room . If she were boarded at a kennel she would be locked up in a cage all the time . Ray and I just did a few ' catch - up ' jobs and that took until after lunchtime . As the Class B still won 't start without a battery charger , and Jim the mechanic hasn 't had time to look at it , we ran heavy duty cords out to it to use the AC . It was humid , even this morning . We got Super Velcro on the shower curtain , and the sides of the shower . Or rather I did , as Ray had trouble getting in there . It must be for bathing kids ! ! Boy , I thought the shower was small in my B + , but it seems huge now . I hadn 't really made up my mind which shower curtain to put in there , but decided on an almond one with burgundy shells on it . The burgundy Dryon shower curtain that I had bought for it , made it too dark in the shower . Ray sprayed several coats of polyurathane on the lighthouse pictures , and put one more coat of poly on the table for the B . We still have to attach the pole holders and I have to go south of the next town to buy two poles the correct length . The table was missing when the B got here , but I found a picture of this model so I know what it is supposed to look like . Jay used to vacuum for me sometimes , as he knows it hurts my back , and I had been asking him to see why my Panasonic vacuum cleanerPosted by I awakened early as usual , took care of the cats and dogs needs . It was a lovely morning , but humid . Ray arrived early , and we attached the gliders and installed the last side door drape , over the kitchen sink . We re - installed the newly painted stove top , and then pasted pictures of the lighthouses . One on each side of the mirror on the back wall in the bathroom . Those are both of St . Augustine lighthouse , and the other three in the kitchen , over the stove are the other three lighthouses that are on the drapes . We are going to spray them with clear polyurathane to protect them . It took some time , as we tried out different ways of doing it . The clear contact paper that I bought the other day , was a different brand from what I have had before , and it didn 't behave right , and we wasted a lot of photo paper . It was too hot to do anymore . We still have to install the table in it 's storage place on the back of the kitchen cabinet , just inside the side door . I brought the cats in from the porch , as it is another scorcher today . I still had Mindi 's dogs to groom , and I don 't like to groom in the afternoon . I had some late lunch , and laid down to get my back rested from going up and down the steps into the Class B all morning . Of course , wouldn 't you know it , the phone rang and woke me up after 5 minutes . I hate that , as I can never get back to sleep , so I dragged myself into the grooming room . I got Punkie and Shuggy cut down , and their face , feet and tails roughed in . Punkie is ready for her bath . There is still about an hour of finish scissor work on each one after they are bathed and dried . I won 't be finishing Shuggy today , her hair is longer and she is going to need a lot more brushing before she can be bathed . If you bathe a poodle when it has tangles they turn into clumpy matts . Poodles have to be cut down or brushed out completely before bathing . Then they have to be brush - dried ( brushing with a slicker brush while drying ) so that they hair all stands out straight for scissoring . Poodles have hair that has to be Posted by It started out a nice day , but I had to bring the kittens inside by midday , it was too hot on the screen porch . It was humid , too , like it wanted to rain , but never did . Muffie arrived to be groomed at 8 . 10 am , but I didn 't get to start on her right way . I was already bathed , dressed , cat 's boxes done , but I found a water leak under the plant sink on the porch . My late Johnnie and I made that cabinet to that old porcelain sink that has two built - on draining boards , one each side of the sink , and I didn 't want it to rot . This is the sink that drains underground out to my little baby Red Maple Tree out front , and keeps it watered . First Ray had to get the sliding screen door back on it 's tracks , as it does get used a lot . Then Ray and I tackled the leak . We found out that it was coming from the hot side of the faucet , which is not even hooked up to water and is capped off . As it wasn 't the faucet seat , it must have been something to do with the cap which is very difficult to get at . As the hot side isn 't used out there on the screen porch , we stopped up the little channel in the faucet , so that water can 't get to that side . Fortunately that faucet has a cut - off , so we will leave the water off until it has all set up , and put the seat and faucet handle back together tomorrow . I went to start the Class B to move it so that Ray could mow , and the darned rig wouldn 't start . This had never happened as the solar panel keeps the batteries charged . We checked the water in the front battery , and put a charger on it . I never did get it started before Ray mowed all three lots , so he had to mow around it . I got Muffie groomed while Ray mowed and then he had to go somewhere else and help some neighbors . The B started later , but it was too late to move it then . I hope I don 't have to buy another battery . Upon Ray 's return , we went up into my attic and turned my water heater down a bit . It had been turned up this winter , but now it was a little too hot on the mixed setting , to bathe dogs and I knew two more of Mindi 's poodles were arPosted by It has been a nice day , though it got hot in the afternoon . I brought the cats in from the screen porch before I went into town this morning . I had a list , we all need to consolidate our trips now that operating a vehicle has gone out of sight . My truck was ready at Jim , the mechanics here down my street . I had to go to town to get the cash to pay him . He would have taken a check , but I had to go into town to put money in that account anyway . I was all prepared to go in the un - air conditioned Puddle Jumper , but he told me to take the truck . I tried to make a route , to go to all the places on one side of the street , and come back and do the ones on the other side . So I started out at the Dollar General for paper goods , then to the bank . Crossed the road to the hardware store to try to find a fitting that would fit the Bissell carpet cleaner . The threads are non standard , so I guess I will have to go to Graingers when I am in the next town . Then to the doctor 's office to ask the nurse about a prescription they wrote for Fosamax , which I know makes me feel bad . Needless to say , I didn 't get to see her , as I would have had to wait too long . On to Krogers , now that they have the $ 4 generic prescriptions and got some new generic for high cholesterol . I hope it doesn 't make my muscles hurt , statin drugs usually do . I got a few other things there that I needed , including some clear Contact paper . Came back to our subdivision , and went straight to Jim 's to pay him for fixing the truck air conditioner , that was just a loose connection on the resistor . But he had to put new front brake pads on the front brakes , and have the rotors turned . The brakes feel a lot better . After lunch I finished sewing the one last door drape . Now they all have the little lighthouse inserts in them . I took one of the top window drapes down and got the burgundy lining sewn in it . It looks a lot better . Then I did a search and found pictures of all the lighthouses that are on the drapes . They are pictures of real lighthouses , and I even found out wherLakeConroePenny , TX It was drizzling rain when I got up . I had wanted to sleep in , as I was in the chat room till late . But I woke up at 6 . 00 am as usual . Turned the coffee pot on , and let Bobcat out on the screen porch to watch the rain . That is her routine , she wants the porch all to herself first thing in the morning , for about an hour , and then she wants to come back in and have her little bit of Special Diet canned food for breakfast . While she is out there I drink my coffee and check my mail , that is my routine . Then I put the kittens out there with their two little dishes of canned breakfast , and their dry cat food . Then I am dressed by 7 . 45 am . When I had taken Jay home with his lumber yesterday , he had laid it out on saw horses so that Ray could sand and poly it today . I heard through the scuttlebutt grapevine that he had been drinking last night , so I knew that the lumber would be wet . Can 't sand or poly wet lumber ! I told Ray that I didn 't think that he would be working at Jay 's today . Ray won 't go around Jay if he has been drinking , anyway . Ray went down there , on schedule this morning , and got conned into taking Jay into the next town to return some gun nails and stuff . That means Jay drank all his money , and he will be hocking his tools . What a way to live ! ! I just sauntered around doing some extra jobs , like deep cleaning and disinfecting cat boxes , sweeping the porch floor , and watering the plants , when Ray arrived . If I had known that he was going to be here , I would have sewn the one last drape for the Class B door windows . We went up my attic stairs , ( not the new stairs we installed in the guest house a little while back , ) to look at my Bissell carpet and upholstery cleaning machine . It needs a part that broke the last time it was being used . We figured out how to fix that , and next time I am in town I will pick up the parts . We use that old Bissel a lot . The attic stairs felt weird and loose , so we investigated and found out that some big blind rivits had pulled through the wood that cover the stairs in the up posPosted by Here is the clean stove , and the drapes on the back doors . As three of Mindi 's poodles had spent the night , I took them out first thing this morning , and my knees felt weak . I just knew that I couldn 't face another day of grooming 2 - 1 / 2 more today , plus all the other things that I have to do . So I called Mindi 's husband and asked him not to bring the other two today , and that I would do them tomorrow . Jay and Ray would be gone , and I wouldn 't be trying to get stuff done in the workshop and the grooming room at the same time , like yesterday . If I had my " druthers " , I would have gone back to bed as soon as the poodles were picked up , which is very , very rare for me . I gave the cats their last dose of the three day de - worming at 6 . 10 am . and put them out on the screen porch . They could not have their breakfast for two hours after their medicine , so I try to do it before I have even had my coffee . I picked up Jay and a bunch of lumber that he wanted to rip on my table saw . He is making his own inside trim for his windows and doors . He and Ray are supposed to get it sanded , and polyurathaned tomorrow . Ray wasn 't going to be here until after 1 . 00pm , as he had another job to do today . I took out the rest of the stove and it 's cover , out of the Class B , and sprayed it down with Super Clean , used to be Castrol Super Clean . We use that for cleaning just about everything around here . It comes in a gallon at WalMart Auto Dept . , ( $ 7 ) and you can use it straight for cleaning engines , or diluted for cleaning mini - blinds , vinyl seats , counter tops or what ever . That got the grease off it , but there were some places that the grease was so baked on , that I had to use oven cleaner . I took the whole thing apart , and one of the nuts and bolts that hold a burner on the bottom , had to be cut off with a sawzall . Jay and I put more carriers and snaps on the drapes that I had made , and we got all but two , hung . It was time for me to take Jay and his lumber home . It was starting to get hot , so I brought the cats back in . Yesterday we had a rPosted by It started out like the other mornings , and the cats were quite content to be on the screen porch . But by about 1 . 30pm I had to bring them in as it was getting hot , especially as the sun is on the porch in the afternoon and evening . That is why there is a reed blind on one side , to keep it cooler in there . That is the blind that the cats are having such a great time taking apart reed by reed . They wouldn 't have fooled with it , except I cut some off the bottom , and that started it . I will be glad when my little Red Maple is big enough to give shade on that south side of the house . Though probably not in my life time ! ! It is just above the bird feeder now . Mindi 's husband dropped off three of her poodles to be groomed . I said I would do 2 - 1 / 2 today , and 2 - 1 / 2 tomorrow . We will trade out 2 poodles tomorrow morning , so these three will spend the night . I have been their " Nanny " for many years while Mindi is flying ( she is a stewardess ) , so they are used to being here , and are like my furbaby grandkids . She calls me at just about every other landing she makes , and likes to know how they are . If she doesn 't call me , I leave a message on her voice mail each night with a report . One of them is very old , and we keep close watch on her . I don 't mix up different people 's animals , so when I brought the kittens in this afternoon , I let them loose in the middle room . There is just a dutch door in between it and the grooming room , and I thought that they would have enough sense not to go over it . But they had to jump into the grooming room while I was grooming . Old Sheba ( 5 lb ) and her son Jakey ( 6 lb ) didn 't pay too much attention to them , but fiesty Punkie ( 13 lb ) who I was grooming , got all aquiver and seemed like she wanted to chase them . I held her near Boots , and they sniffed noses then I locked the kittens up in the big cage in the middle room . Seems like Boots is getting over her fear of dogs , I didn 't think that she would come over that dutch door with dogs in there . I picked up Jay this morning , as he is behaving right Posted by The day started out the same as the last few days , but by the time I had to leave to go to my doctor appointment , I had to bring the kittens in from the screen porch and put them in the air conditioned grooming room . I picked Jay up this morning , as he knew that I was going to the next town this afternoon . He wanted to go with me , as he needed to pick up more floor tile . Ray is not comfortable with carpentry work , so Jay and I made this table for the Class B . It had to be the right length as it stores behind the sink on the wall there inside the side door . We did it on the table saw to get nice straight cuts , then rounded the corners with a jigsaw , using the outline of a coffee can as a template . Then contact cemented the Formica on it . We left early enough so that we could go to the three thrift shops that are open on Mondays . Jay bought some jeans and an ice slushy maker , and I just got a burgundy liquid soap pumper , 25 cents , and a new box of cone coffee filters , 50 cents . Then to the doctor , who still wants to take the bone fragments out . They X - rayed my thumb three times , and said that there was no infection in the broken bone . As I presumed that gas would go higher for Memorial Day weekend , I finally filled the truck up with gas , at $ 3 . 61 per gallon , so that I can find out how many MPG it gets . Though when I checked the speedometer against the mile markers on the freeway , I think it is running a tad slow , so I might not get a very accurate calculation when I fill it up next time . That is assuming that I can buy another tank of gas without getting a reverse mortgage ! ! Goodness knows what the cost of gas will be by then . When we left the gas station the fan on the air conditioning wouldn 't come on . If it is not one thing , it is two others ! ! Maybe the truck went into shock from having a fillup , or saw the cost , and blew a fuse . A hot day . Another day spring day with the windows open and no air conditioning . Just didn 't need it . I did a few liitle jobs to the Class B , but I didn 't have anyone here to help me attach any more carriers to the drapes . I had some local folks coming to look at it , and I explained that it would be finished very soon . I had listed it on Craigslist to test the water , so to speak . I had listed the Merry Miler on Craigslist to see what responses I would get , before fooling with the hassle of eBay . It sold to some folks in Houston very quickly . Sometimes things sell right away and sometimes it takes a while on Craigslist . It isn 't so much the hassle with eBay , it is that the winners often have no intentions of buying . I sold the Coachmen Class C twice on eBay , but the high bidders never even came to look at it , or pay the depost . In the end I traded it , and some cash to me , for the Little Van through Craigslist . I still have the Little Van , but as it doesn 't have insurance on it , I don 't drive it . I can 't use that fancy Little Van with all the clean plush velour , and immaculate carpet , and beautiful oak for hauling stuff . I am thinking about building a little " tailgate kitchen " in the back , sort of like the " teardrop " trailers have . It already has a couch / bed and ice chest in it . That might make it sell . Just adding something different makes it more appealing when there is a lot of competition . Back to the Class B . They liked it , but apparently she would have to " haul several suitcases on top to hold all her clothes " . I don 't think that she is an RVer . How many clothes do you need to carry to go camping ? You are traveling , who sees them twice ? It has quite a large closet , and a couple of big cupboards with shelves , and there is a lot of room for clothes that have been sucked flat in space bags , under the bed , etc . If she needs to haul a mess of costumes for a Renaissance or somewhere , she doesn 't need to be looking at a B . The listing clearly stated that it sleeps 2 , and then I find out that there is a 6 - year old , too . They dPosted by It started out a bit chilly , and I wore a little cotton cardigan for a while . Ray and Shay were supposed to go do a pressure washing job , drove all the way there , and the folks weren 't home , so they came back and Ray and I got some more work done on the Class B drapes . Getting the carriers attached to the drapes straight takes two pairs of hands , but we have found an easier way to do it , where they slide better on the tracks . The rest should go a lot quicker . This is one of the back doors . This is the two drapes slid all the way to the side , for better visability for the driver . But they cover the whole window when closed , and there is a snap or super Velcro to hold them closed . They come from the factory with a drape on each side of each window , but I like to be able to see out of my rear view mirror , and try to get the rear door drapes out of the way . It doesn 't look as cute , but tell that to the judge when you back into something , if you want cute ! I think my little lighthouses are cute enough . Then it was time to don my SPCA foster mom clothes . We usually wear those uniform tunics like the vet and doctor 's office help wear , but ours have critters on them . I have picked up several at thrift shops . Today I wore the one with giraffes on it , and off we went to Adoption Day , in the next town . The kittens are quite used to this as they have been going for quite a while now , so they travel well . I picked up a few things that I can 't get in our town . I had been making a list all week , knowing that I would be there today . Before all this gas thing started I would sometimes make 3 - 4 trips a week there , but now I try to wait until Adoption Day on the first and third Saturday . When I went to pick up the kittens , I was told that some folks had put in an application for " Minkie " . So we will know next week if they are an approved " forever " home for her . They started out wanting " Boots " , but they have a dog and Boots is very leary of dogs . Minkie just gets along with everybody and everything , purring all the time . A busy day . A lovely spring day , so I had the windows open , and no AC until later when the humidity rolled in . Ray and I got the couch / bed back in place . It was fun trying to figure out how it went back together , as we hadn 't taken it out of there . The back flips all the way over to the front of the couch and makes a bed . So there are two weirdly shaped metal arms on each side of the back which has to be the right way up and the right way around for it all to fit together . I think Ray and I took the back outside and turned it around , or turned it over , three times before it all worked out right , and could be bolted back in . I spent a lot more time on making the drapes , and working on the ad for selling this Class B . As we get each part completed , I have been trying to take pictures of this B that can be sent in an album to prospective buyers . So I was sorting out which pictures should be for that album . Most of the pictures I take , are just snapshots to record what we did . I just store a jillion of them in AOL 's Picture Storage , and then pick some out to store in a separate album . Just a productive day . A great day with the windows open , and no AC . The cats have enjoyed being outside on the screen porch all day . Ray had a little bit of time this morning , so we were going to put the fold - over couch / bed back in the Class B . It had been taken out so that we could access different things under it . We had already added little doors to the front . Jay had made a kind of chute to stop the main power cord , which comes in the rig on the left of the picture , from getting tangled in the plumbing lines . That is the water tank at the top . He had also made that box over the back of the converter , right , to protect all those wires . But he hadn 't vented it , so we cut a slot in it and covered it with aluminum screen wire . It is also open at each end . We found a 110 v . junction box that Jay had not put a cover on , so we remedied that . The white plastic chute didn 't go back under the power cord entry , so we made that longer , so that the cord will go in the right place when it is pushed in the cable hatch . People start tugging on power cords , and if they have got tangled up in plumbing and things , it can cause a lot of grief . The cord had already loosed the connections to the generator auto switch - over box . I like cords to have a designated space where they are not going to do any damage . I don 't know why Coachmen didn 't think of that . $ $ $ I expect . I spent more time making the little door drapes , and like most things , the more I do , the faster they go . Now it is a humid time of day . The day started out great , and not too hot , so as Ray had an hour before he had to pick up Shay , we decided to attack a stack of building material that had been moved when we skirted the guest house . It was supposed to have been bought by Jay , who never did pick it up . Now it needed to be moved back in place . We sorted out some other things that needed to go to the dumpsters , while we have them . They are starting house to house garbage pick up next month . We loaded those items that I no longer needed into the back of the truck . It had been getting darker and darker , and of course , as soon as we got down there to the dumpsters it poured , and we got soaking wet unloading the truck . The wipers couldn 't cope on the way back , and I had to drive slower than the 20 MPH speed limit . When I got home I let the kittens in the house , as I think that they were a little scared out there on the screen porch . So they played with the reels of thread on the sewing machine . The torrential rain didn 't last long , and then the sun came out . That 's TX for you , just enough rain to make the grass grow . I spent several hours making the 8 little door drapes , burgundy around the sides , with the light house fabric in the middle . Getting it all planned out and pinned in place , took quite a while , so I still have several to make . The burgundy lining in the top window drapes isn 't done yet , either . I have to get this done , as the Class B is supposed to start on eBay soon . At least my thumb is better enough for me to do it now . A rainy sewing day . It was a warm day again today , with high humidity , too . The kittens were glad to sleep in the grooming room without being locked up in a big cage , now that the dog is gone . This morning they scampered out to the screen porch for their breakfast , and even when it was warm they still didn 't want to come in until their dinnertime . They have been pulling a reed blind apart , reed by reed , and that is so much fun . I let them do it , as it was old , and needed replacing anyway , and it gives them something to do . Ray and I got a late start as he had to go somewhere , so I used that time to do more sewing on the door drapes . This is the first time since I hurt my thumb that I was able to push the fabric through the machine , comfortably . First off we were going to put the battery in the truck , but we decided to prime and paint the battery tray first . So we had to wait to put the battery in . We got the snappers screwed into the front of the van and attached to the windshield drape . Then unsnapped it and put it away in the top cabinet in the entertainment center . Gee , that big cabinet is handy . We got the little glider carriers attached to the top of the door drapes , and this is a picture of the " dry run " , as they are not finished yet . Three more doors to go . I have a few more of the little carriers coming , as I found some on eBay for $ 10 . All the RV catalogs had them in bulk at $ 137 , and I didn 't need that many . Jay called this afternoon and wanted me to take him to Lowes in the next town to get lumber to make a pantry , and more floor tile for his house . He is getting bored staying at home . He put the new battery in the truck , and off we went . He bought the lumber , and the last 48 squares they had of his pattern of tile , and I delivered it , and him , to his house . He wants to come back to work , but he had been drinking again . That means that he won 't be able to think straight for days because once he starts drinking he cannot stop . Some folks just have that switch in their head , and it only takes an ounce of alcohol to turn it on . WPosted by Lovely morning again , and gratefully , not hot , in fact it was quite chilly at 7 . 30 when I left . I was going to the next town in the Puddle Jumper , with no AC , and I had Chico with me . I couldn 't drive the air conditioned truck until I got back with the new battery . I was supposed to meet the Dog Rescue lady first , but she was delayed , so I had to leave Chico in the car in a carrier , with all the windows down a bit , while I went into the clinic . The hand doctor 's nurse had me squeeze some items that measured the strength in each hand . Then she touched the tips of all my fingers with a little thing that had either one or two points on it . I had to keep my eyes closed , and say if I could feel one or two points touching . Then the doctor came in and looked at my thumb . He had seen the X - Rays , I think that they have a way of faxing them , too , now . That must have put a lot of couriers out of a job ! ! The hand doctor said that he might have to operate on it , cut it open and take the bone fragments out . I wasn 't too crazy about that idea , so as it doesn 't seem to have any sign of infection , he is going to look at it again in a week . I met the Rescue lady , and Chico was on his best behavior , so that went well . I should have worn my pedometer to day . I went to every thrift shop in that town , looking for a wooden paper towel holder , and a shower curtain for the Class B . I had seen some on eBay with lighthouses on them , so I was really looking for one like that . The burgundy one I bought for it looks so dark in that little shower . I came home with four shower curtains , ( one is for my little bathroom ) , and no wooden towel holder . I have one that I was going to install on one of the ledges , but it is the kind of wood composite that you can 't stain , and it is too light colored . Then I walked from one end to the other and all around Home Depot , all around Lowes , all around Big Lots , and all around Wal - Mart looking for different things . Good thing that I was wearing comfy shoes . I finally found some snaps that I could use in Wal - Mart Posted by The weather is lovely , and Jay and I installed the boxes along the ledges on each side of the Class B . We also installed two mirrors . One over the sink in the kitchen , round , like a port hole , and one in the bathroom . The original burgundy drapes , and tiebacks , are up over the couch / bed . They are difficult to open and close , and I think it needs something to keep the sun out , during the day . I put cream day cellular blinds , the kind that you can see through , that I got at a thrift shop , in my RV . It sure does cut down on the glare . I am going to hunting in my attic , and see if I have any more . Ray and I also found out that we are going to have more hardware to make this all come together . We measured the burgundy velour drape that goes around the inside of the windshield , and I don 't have enough snappers . The shower curtain railing is really a pain as it is so small , so I will have to put a larger one in to give one some elbow room . Chico was in one of his ' snapping turtle ' moods , and made my hand bleed when I tried to take him for a walk . Talk about biting the hand that feeds you . He is so loving one minute , and the next minute he is terribly ferocious . He would NOT go to bed in the grooming room , which he has wanted to do ever since he got here . I wasn 't going to try to get him out from under my bed , so that is where he slept . I hoped he wouldn 't pee or poopy on my carpet , as he refused to go outside , too . He has done that a time or two since he has been here . I didn 't scold him , as he must have been through a lot of trauma since his " Mom " died . I just cleaned it up . Thank goodness a lady from the Chihuahua Rescue will get him tomorrow , as they know what to do with these ' turncoat ' dogs . I heard that Chihuahuas are like this sometimes . I had a Long Coat Chihuahua , and he was sweet all the time , so I am not used to this . So it was a ' snappers for the drapes ' , and a ' snapping ' day . Yesterday I spent some time looking for the nearest Chihuahua Rescue , and contacting them about Chico . They have not replied yet . More time was spent looking up info on a sandpainting that I have . I was asked to post pictures , so here they are . I found out a lot about the history of them , too . The Native American Indians have very many interesting cultures and beliefs . They believe that : " The natural colored sand rainbow bar on the bottom , is a path to where the great spirit is " . Not many sandpaintings have that rainbow bar on the bottom . More later today . I didn 't go to WalMart to get the new battery for the truck , I have to go right by there on Monday anyway , when I go to the hand doctor . My thumb isn 't " sticking out like a sore thumb " anymore , but I still don 't use it much as it is difficult to grab hold of anything with this big bandage on it . Awkward as I can 't get it wet . I have been feeling like I couldn 't breathe right this afternoon , I just feel breathless . When I did a search about these antibiotics I am taking , that is one of the side effects . Another side effect is that it making me sleepy . I hate taking medicines , they are just a bunch of chemicals , and I know that can 't be good , especially as they all have side effects . I leashed Chico and I was going to walk him down to the mailboxes , which are a way down the road , by the swimming pool . But I turned back halfway as I was getting out of breath , which is not like me . I cleaned and re - stuffed the filter in one of the air cleaners , the one by this computer , as I hoped that would help . I don 't buy new $ 40 filters for it . I have some of that sticky backed filter material , some of the black charcoal filter stuff and then I cut up good quality pleated furnace filters . I pack it in layers in the cardboard box from the original filter , about once a month . It seemed to help my breathing , but I am going to feed all these critters , including me , and try to get an early night . A lazy day . It has been a lot hotter today . I hope it isn 't going to be like this for the next 6 - 7 months . Though it usually is . I had to go to the doctor 's office for a blood test this morning , and the truck wouldn 't start , so I went in the Puddle Jumper . When I got back , I put a battery charger on it , and that didn 't help . Jim came and tested it , and the battery is no good . So poor little old Puddle Jumper will have to go all the way to Wal - Mart to get a new battery tomorrow . Ray was concerned about his car , it was suddenly losing about a quart of oil a day . He took it down to Jim 's , ( the mechanic ) , and found out it was the oil sending unit leaking . So Puddle Jumper , Ray and I went into town to get one . That solved that . I have seen PCV valves do that , too . Ray and I de - winterized the house . I am on top of a hill and there are just fields on the north side . There is a terrible biting cold wind on the north side in the winter , especially when those Canadians send down a " Blue Norther " . My water lines , and water heater are in the attic , so we cover the soffit vents on the north side in the winter , with board insulation . The attic can still breathe from the south side , and the tall ceiling in the workshop . We also cover the inside of the turbos , and other vents in the roof in the winter . Even though the water pipes in the attic are insulated , it not only stops them from freezing , but helps keep the hot water warm in the pipes . Then the long trough of aloe vera , on the north side , has fabric screwed to the trough so that it can be flipped over to protect the aloe during a freeze , see picture . That was all unscrewed , the fabric washed , and put up . The soffit covers were all put up , too . Ray applied the last coat of polyurathane on the parts for the Class B , so maybe they can be installed tomorrow . He also did his usual great job of caulking around the new tub . We tried out the faucets , and hand held sprayer , and it is working . We tried out the Dryon shower curtain , and he even got in the tub to see how the curtain would work , as iPosted by Another nice day with the screen doors closed and no AC needed until the evening , when it gets humid . I had taken some Aleve last night , and it did help the throbbing in my thumb , and it didn 't hurt as much this morning as it had yesterday . Ray spent quite a bit of time staining and polyuranthing the little storage boxes that go along the ledge , and that little sliding drawer , for the Class B . It was so nice to be able to work on the outside tables again . I made a little table , and didn 't have any trouble drilling the holes , and countersinking holes to put the braces on the back of it . No drill bits went through any body parts today . Though I had to use the chop saw to cut boards , as I can 't really hold anything with my left thumb . I bet you right - handed folk didn 't realize how much you use your left thumb to hold things still for your right hand ! I knew that I needed a tetanus shot , so I went to the doctor this afternoon . They soaked my thumb in some Betadine , and said that it needed to be X - rayed . Golly , all this fuss over two little holes . So it was X - rayed from three different angles . I got my shot , and then the doctor told me that the drill bit had broken the bone in the top of my thumb , so now the medical dollar machine has started to grind . I have to see a hand specialist , ( more co - pay than regular doctor ) on Monday . That , and take 2 anti - biotics for 10 days . Three dogs to be groomed , but no bathing dogs for a few days . The before and after pictures of the Dakota . Now it has a bumper , with a Class III receiver hitch . At least with the bumper I have a step to climb into the back of it , if I have to . A lovely spring type day , the kittens are happily sunning them selves on the porch . I went to get Jay , but I already knew that he had got himself polluted last night , and that there was no way I was going to work with him today . But his mother had trash that needed to be hauled off , so I did that . She is still in a lot of pain from her liver cancer surgery . I needed to get to town to the Post Office , as I had sold my Topsy Turvys on eBay , and the buyer wanted them to get to his mother for Mother 's Day . While I was out , I had to buy some more bananas , as I had tried storing some in those new " green bags " , and they went all mushy and had a chemical taste to them . Ray stained and poly - ed the little Napa Valley boxes that I bought to go along the ledges in the Class B . It is gradually coming together , and looking good . I was drilling out some rivits , and the drill slipped and the drill bit went through my left thumb . As I am on blood thinners for my heart , it took a while to get it to stop bleeding . But I finally got all the rivits drilled out . I don 't think I had better do any sewing on drapes today , as my thumb is still leaking a little . A bloody day ! It is nice weather , so I have had the windows and patio door open , but screen door closed , all day . Chico likes to play with the kittens through the screen . But it seems to get humid around dark , and then I have to close everything up , and turn on the AC . Ray and Jay were installing Jay 's new bathroom vanity and getting the plumbing ready for the sink . That gave me time to measure and start sewing the curtains for the four van door windows , the side and the back . I had bought some burgundy valances at a thrift shop , and with a little bit of altering they will be the right length for the door windows . As the last drapes that were on those windows rotted , I will install solar film to protect these . Looking back on some of the RVs we have repaired , here is a 77 Apache Hard Side Pop - Up Trailer . These are very famous and sought after , and have a couple of clubs devoted to them . It had lost it 's ABS road cover , ( roof ) , and they are not something that you can just go out and buy . First we had to install the new ceiling inside , as it is accessed and clipped in from the top . I bought the almond fiberglass sheets from Lowe 's , ( $ 35 ea . ) to match the original . With that done , we covered the whole roof with foil covered insulation board . The roof we made out of a sheet of almond trailer roofing that I got in Houston . A bunch of self - tapping screws , and rivits , and it was like new again . That roof won 't crack and break ! Today was a drapery day . " Our perception of animals determines how we treat them , and whether they suffer under our dominion or not . Behind our perception and treatment of animals lie our needs , wants , values , and cultural and religious traditions . Until these are addressed and our perception changed so there is empathy , respect , and communication , the holocaust of the animal kingdom will continue . And those qualities or virtues that make us human - humility , compassion , and selfless benevolence - will continue to be crushed by arrogance , ignorance , and the selfishness of our species . " " What is man without the beasts ? If all the beasts were gone , man would die from a great loneliness of spirit . For whatever befalls the earth , befalls the sons of the earth . Man did not weave the web of life ; he is merely a strand in it . Whatever he does to the web , he does to himself . " ( Chief Seattle , 1855 ) The basic issue is simple : " The question is not , can they reason ? Nor , can they talk ? But , can they suffer ? " ( Jeremy Bentham , philosopher and animal rights activist ; 1748 - 1832 . )

I knew the day we left El Salvador was going to be a long one . First of all , Victoria and Jason dragged me out of bed just as the sun was rising . Jason 's been getting up with Maya at all hours of the night for weeks now , but I would much rather sleep in . On this morning I didn 't get a choice . We were heading out of El Salvador , through Honduras and into Nicaragua all in the same day , and there was no time for beauty sleep . There was barely time for another sniff around Playa El Cuco before we were packing up and hitting the road . Back down the bumpy dirt road , a couple of hours driving across the last stretch of El Salvador and we were at the border . By the time we left El Salvador the sun was high and hot , and both me and Maya were panting pretty hard . I 'm still not particularly thrilled with this new ' little sister ' , but I did feel bad for her , laid out on the ground while My Family got us through the border . I 'm used to this process by now , but everything 's so new for Maya . She 's just a baby ! Luckily everything went smoothly and we were soon back in the big truck and heading into Honduras . Since it was going to be such a long drive we gave in to a couple of comforts . There was air conditioning for me and Maya , and soda in a bag for Victoria and Jason . I 've never seen that before , and it was certainly an adventure for Jason to drink from a bag while driving ! Thankfully , that was the most adventurous part of this drive . Jason and Victoria had been stressed out about Honduras for as long as I could remember . It was the only country we weren 't really going to see so the plan was to drive through this teensy little bit of the country , just enough to get into Nicaragua . It was only eighty miles or so , but My Family had heard the drive could take all day because of police checkpoints . My Family relaxed pretty quickly , however , as we didn 't get stopped even once driving through Honduras ! Maya slept through the whole thing ; I don 't think she can smell nerves on humans yet . Although we didn 't hit any issues we did have to get through both borders in a single day , and by the time we entered Nicaragua we were all pretty tired . It was super hot , and after all the stress of a long driving day everyone was super excited to get to our campsite for the night . Luckily , it wasn 't very much further . We got out to our first top in Nicaragua , the beach town of Las Penitas , just before the sunset . We found a great little hotel right on the beach called Playa Roca , and the super nice owners were happy to have us camp there . Even though we were all exhausted , I still got a chance to run on the beach a bit . This part of the Big Adventure was certainly shaping up well . So many beaches to run on ! After months of shivering at night in the mountains , all of this sun and sand made me one happy dog . We spent a few days in Las Penitas , and boy was it HOT ! It was hard to do much else but lay around , and thankfully there were plenty of shady spots . Maya wants to play all the time , but even she got tired of chewing on my face in this weather . I didn 't even mind so much when Victoria took me in the ocean or under the shower . This was a great beach , with plenty of room to run , lots of nice people and other dogs , and delicious food to taste . Jason didn 't have it quite so good as I did . He had to take the bus into Leon twice to get supplies and find internet so he could work . Even though lots of people go to Las Penitas for fun there are no real shops there , which makes it pretty tricky for Adventurers like us . It kept getting hotter , and then there were crazy dust storms that covered My Family head to foot in sand . Victoria and Jason started to seriously drag . Even Maya was running for cover . After a while we knew it was time to go , so we packed up the big truck and headed for our next stop , Laguna de Apoyo . This drive was nice and short , something I 've noticed is pretty much normal now . Victoria says that these Central American countries are much smaller than Mexico and even Guatemala , meaning we can see a lot more of them in a short amount of time . We drove through a couple of small towns , stopped on the side of the highway so My Family could get another tank of gas for the truck , scaled a big hill and caught our first look at Laguna de Apoyo . It 's much smaller than Lake Atitlan in Guatemala , and the drive down was way less scary , but this place was just as pretty . It 's in the middle of a volcano ! I don 't really know what that is , but it was pretty cool to see a lake that was almost a perfect circle . Victoria also said that this volcano has been a lake for a very long time , so I didn 't think there was anything to be nervous about . Our first top was a hotel called The Monkey Hut . We didn 't see any monkeys , but we sure heard a lot of them ! Not my favorite thing in the world . We weren 't able to camp here , but instead we stayed in a super comfy room ! We had our own private patio , which looked right out over the lake . So cool ! The weather was much better here , but that didn 't stop Victoria and Jason from forcing me and Maya into the water . I did like this a lot better than the ocean . It 's much less scary . Maya 's a pretty good swimmer too ! Finally , something she 's actually good at … We could only have one night in the comfy room , but instead of leaving the next morning My Family decided to stay in a dorm room . This was definitely a first for us on the Big Adventure . A dorm is basically a big room with lots of beds , and you share it with other Adventurers . Jason wasn 't too sure how this was going to , and he was even less pleased when we found out that the whole dorm was going to be full of girls . Thankfully they turned out to be super nice , and Maya managed not to pee inside or cry or anything . I guess she 's starting to be a little more fun . We left The Monkey Hut for another spot down the road so we wouldn 't have to share a room with anyone . This place was called Hostel Paradiso , and it was super cool . So pretty , with all sorts of levels , great grassy bits , hammocks to swing in , and delicious food I got to taste . We spent a couple of nights in our own room here , relaxed during the day while Jason worked , and spent the evenings down by the beach , swinging in hammock chairs and meeting all sorts of nice people . I 'm happy to report that the travelers we met were just as interested in me as they were in Maya . As it should be . Hostel Paradiso was probably my favorite spot in Nicaragua so far . This is Victoria 's favorite country , and I could certainly see why . The people were so nice , and there was loads to do . I actually enjoyed swimming here , as long as Jason held me tight . I played a bit with Maya , and got more than enough beauty sleep . We even got to move back into the camper our last night there , and met a nice couple from Switzerland who had been traveling for two years ! I have to admit I didn 't really want to leave , and I think Jason felt the same way . But we had to keep moving . Victoria made reservations in a hotel in a city called Granada , so after a couple of days we got back on the road . The stress of our big border crossing day was pretty much forgotten , and it was time to see more of Nicaragua ! Maybe we 'll find someone in Granada who would take this puppy off our hands . Just kidding ! Well , sort of . The night spent in Ciudad Constitucion was relaxing and pretty quiet . No barking dogs and clucking roosters to keep us up all night , although I think I might have dreamt about them ! When we woke up in the morning it got hot in a hurry . We were far from the beach , and boy could you tell ! My Family had planned on getting us up and out pretty early , so we could get to a beach they promised me was going to be a lot of fun . But the owner of Palapa 206 RV Park & Motel wanted to chat . He was a really nice man from England , which is where Victoria 's family is from too . I bet they know each other . He wanted to talk about stuff Jason called ' politics ' , and from how quiet Jason was , I could tell he wasn 't sure if this was going to be a fun conversation . There was a lot of talk about people named Margaret Thatcher and ' Di ' , who both sounded pretty nice . I was trying to figure out if we had met them back home at the Wee Blue House , but since I don 't speak human I guess I 'll never know . Anyway , after a long talk we finally wrapped up and hit the road . It took quite a long time to get to our next destination , a big city called La Paz . There were a lot of long , straight stretches , and then big hills that seemed to just go up and down forever . It was pretty , but it was also really really hot . By the time we got to La Paz I was panting pretty hard . I was more than ready for the beach , but I didn 't see one anywhere . We stopped at a supermarket , and then tried to find our way through town to a beach called Tecolote . It was supposed to be really pretty , but boy , was La Paz confusing ! Victoria thought she had a map with a ' shortcut ' , but we kept getting turned around . All the while it just seemed to get hotter and hotter . I didn 't mean to , but I pooped a little bit on Victoria 's shorts . She was pretty upset , because someone named Lululemon gave them to her . I didn 't mean it ! It all worked out , though . Victoria forgave me for the little accident , the shortcut ended up working out , and after a fun drive on a trucker highway we ended up far outside of La Paz , past the big ferry station , on the amazing beach in Tecolote . The road there was pretty crazy , which seems to be normal for Baja . At one point we were following a big construction truck that was literally digging the road as we drove . I 'm glad our big truck is so good at driving on roads like that . There was a lot of bounces and bumps , but finally the beach was in sight . My Family was right ; it was amazing ! We pulled up right on the sand and parked . All around us were other families , parked and playing on the beach . There were boats and things called jet - skis in the water , and kids were splashing in the waves . Even though it was already late in the day , I got to go off leash and play with the waves . I 'm not sure I would want to swim like these people do ; the waves are so big ! But they are fun to splash around in . I like to bite the foam as it trickles into shore , and then dig at the wet sand that squishes between my paws . It was so much fun to run on the sand again I didn 't want to stop , even when it started to get dark . But we were all getting hungry , and luckily my Family took me with them to dinner . There was a string of restaurants on the beach , not far from where we parked , and we settled onto beach chairs . Jason had a margarita , and Victoria was super happy to ' finally ' have something called a pina colada . I managed to steal a lick off the side of the glass before she moved it out of the way . While I wasn 't allowed any more of that , I did get a big share of the chips and the fish tacos we ordered . Let me just tell you , they were delicious ! I played in the sand all the way home , and then we settled in for the night . When I woke up it was still dark . My Family was asleep , but I just wanted to look out the windows . Since we were right on the beach the sound of the ocean was so loud , louder than any traffic or anything we used to hear back home . My Family woke up too , and laughed about me looking out the windows . Hey , I 'm just making sure everything is okay ! Jason was telling Victoria how it takes him at least a day to get used to the new sounds in each place . I don 't know what the problem is , just go back to sleep ! But they wanted to get up and go to the bathroom , and couldn 't seem to fall back to sleep after that . Ah well , it gave me the chance to chow down on my food . I can 't remember ever having breakfast that early before , but the ocean air seems to make me really hungry . Although the day started really weird , it got a lot better from there . We went on a long walk down the beach , all the way to the rocks at the end . There were lots fish laying on the sand , with funny pointy bits all over them . Jason wouldn 't let me get near enough to get a good sniff , but they 're called puffer fish . Victoria was wondering why so many of them were laying around , but Jason didn 't have any answers . They did let me play with some funny colored balls on strings hanging out in the water . They 're called ' buoys ' , and later I saw that people used them to get in and out from the shore on their boats . I got to run around a lot off leash again , which always makes it feel like a holiday . The rest of the day was filled with holiday fun . We played at the edge of the water a bit , but I guess Victoria is determined to teach me to swim , because she kept carrying me in with her . The water was nice and warm , but I don 't think I like it very much yet . I was able to swim in to Jason on the shore a couple of times , and then I let My Family know I was pretty much done with that . So instead we sat in our chairs , played in the sand , and My Family read books . Jason and Victoria talked about how much they 've been sleeping , and how beautiful and relaxing Mexico is . I have to say I agree ! That night it got really dark , and most everyone else on the beach started to leave . A big camper pulled in next to us , something Victoria called a ' Winnebago ' . It had people from Canada in it , which means they drove even longer than we did to get here . As it got even later we noticed that one car down the beach was just sitting there with its lights on . A Mexican man and his two children passed us by , carrying a small can meant for gasoline . He spoke Spanish to us , and it took My Family a while to figure out what he was saying . But eventually they figured out that his family had run out of gas and needed help . Luckily , before we drove through that big desert in Baja California Jason had filled up his spare gas can . My Family managed to pull it off the truck and fill the Mexican man 's can . He thanked us and was able to get his family off the beach . He asked Jason " Quanto ? " , which means " how much " in Spanish . But Jason and Victoria didn 't want any money for it . The man was surprised , but happily went on his way . Jason said it was " good Karma " . I don 't really know what that means . The next morning we woke with the sun , and it got hot in a hurry . We were ready to head south , and although we were leaving the beach , My Family promised me more fun ahead . We drove past La Paz a lot easier this time , into a town called Todos Santos . This place was really pretty . We had planned on stopping there , but it was Sunday and almost everything was closed . We still managed to find delicious lunch at a small restaurant called Tacos Barajas . They cut up the meat right there on the counter , and I was lucky enough to get a few bites . There were plenty of other dogs around that weren 't nearly as lucky as me . I wonder where their owners are , and when they get treats ? We drove out of Todos Santos towards a town called Los Cerritos , which had a beach club My Family thought had a place to camp . There was a beautiful club there , with a huge pool and everything . But the campground left a lot to be desired . It was basically a dusty field , and there wasn 't anyone else around to play with . My Family knew they didn 't want to stay there , but they didn 't really know where else to go . We stopped at a restaurant on the beach where My Family could get drinks . They were pretty grumpy , but a couple of pina coladas helped a lot . Those drinks seem pretty magical . The internet worked there , so Jason hopped online and they looked over their options . Apparently there was a place called Pescadoro Surf Camp that sounded pretty cool . We had passed it on the way down , so we quickly backtracked and pulled in . The owner , an American from San Diego named Jaime , was really nice . He walked us past the pool and the cool outdoor kitchen and showed us where we could camp . There was good internet there , and showers for My Family to use . Victoria and Jason thought it seemed pretty nice , so we decided to stay there . Was that ever a good idea ! The pool was pretty , and even though Victoria made me swim again I didn 't mind too much . There was a dog in the camp that really liked me . He kept coming around trying to sniff at me , and even whined at our door when I was in the camper . Victoria and Jason started calling him " Romeo " and laughing . These people jokes really don 't make much sense to me . It was pretty quiet when we got to the surf camp , but within a couple of hours more and more people started to arrive . By the end of the day the camp was packed , and everyone was so nice ! There were all these surfers there , most of them from Canada , and everyone loved me . I don 't think I 've ever had more people who wanted to hold me , kiss me and talk to me . A couple of them even took me in the pool , and debated with each other how I wanted to be held . Really , I would much rather have watched from a comfy chair , but I didn 't mind too much . The next few days passed slowly , and were a ton of fun . My Family shared meals and drinks with all of the surfers , and I got a ton of attention . A couple of the nights we stayed up late , as the surfer boys had bought several bottles of something called ' tequila ' . This made them all pretty silly , but I still got a ton of attention . Jason spent some time working , Victoria read and hung out with me by the pool , and we had a lot of delicious food . We went for a walk into the town of Los Cerritos , where everyone was so nice . I got to stretch my legs a bit , and saw a bunch of other dogs and people . There was even a big blue box on one corner , which Victoria called a " taco stand " , where a woman made huge burritos for Victoria and Jason . They were pretty excited about it . We had a lot of fun hanging out with all of our new friends , and relaxing on the comfy sand . The only real problem was getting the camper comfortable . When we pulled in Jason didn 't realize how much of a slant we were on . The first night was pretty bad . My Family felt like they were going to slide right out of bed the whole time . The next morning Jason dug up a bunch of sand and set it under the wheels , finally getting us level . It seemed like sweaty work , and I was pretty happy that I didn 't have to do it . I could smell in the air that things were different down here . It was hotter than where we had been before , and there were tons of palm trees like we have at home . I saw all sorts of little creatures , too . There were stick bugs that spent all day trying to climb up the table leg in the kitchen , tiny lizards that scurried along the edge of the roof , and more bugs than I could even try to catch . Apparently we had passed something called " The Tropic of Cancer " , which is an imaginary line humans have drawn on the planet . I don 't understand this that well , but I guess it means we were in a really different part of the world now . Even though we never made it back out to the beach , this might have been my favorite place ever . I could tell that Victoria and Jason really didn 't want to leave . We even ran into our friends Andre , Marcia and Olivia again ! They had spent a night at the terrible RV park on the beach , and they decided to join us at the surf camp . It seemed like they had fun there too . After four days My Family decided it was time to move on . We packed up really slowly , because it was seriously hot . I was panting pretty hard , so Victoria and Jason forced me under the shower a couple of times . I don 't really like this that much , but I did feel much cooler afterwards . We drove for only a few minutes before pulling into a place called ' Baja Beans ' . This was a coffee shop , which I guess My Family desperately needed at that point . Anyway , they were really happy with the food and drinks they got , and I even got a little taste myself . There were a couple of nice dogs there , and the space was beautiful so I was more than content to hang out while My Family enjoyed their coffee . After that we drove right back to the surf camp . I didn 't really know what was going on , until I saw Jason come back to the big truck with one of the surfer boys , a nice person named Steve . He had to get to a place called Cabo Pulmo , but I guess he didn 't have a big truck of his own . Jason and Victoria wanted to help him out , so they moved some stuff around and we left again , this time with another passenger ! I wanted to sit in his lap to welcome him to the adventure , but Victoria made me stay with her . We drove on from there , quickly passing through two big beach towns . My Family called this place ' Cabo ' , and even though it was really pretty it seemed like we weren 't going to stop there . Victoria said it was too expensive , and Jason said he didn 't want to stay somewhere so ' touristy ' . I don 't know , the beach looked pretty cool . Anyway , we left those places behind and headed up a really pretty road , with mountains covered in mist in the distance . We stopped once to fill up on gas , but the whole station was empty . I 've never heard of that before . I know , I 'm a dog , and I don 't know much about cars . But that seemed pretty odd to me . Anyway , we found gas at another place , then turned off on the road to Cabo Pulmo . After a while the pavement stopped , and suddenly we were bouncing down a really rough gravel road . It kept going on and on , and I could tell Jason and Victoria had no idea that Cabo Pulmo was going to be so far away . Steve was really thankful for the ride , and I could tell My Family really didn 't mind . It was ' part of the adventure ' , as they would put it . Once Cabo Pulmo came into view , no one talked about the road anymore . This place had one of the most amazing beaches I 've ever seen . You couldn 't force me into that water , though . It looked really rough . But it was so pretty , and there was almost no one there . Apparently Cabo Pulmo is within a national park , and most people come here to go diving . There 's something called a live coral reef there , which I guess means there 's all sorts of fish and animals you would get to see . I knew my family wouldn 't be doing that , but they did really enjoy the tiny town set close to the beach . It was already getting late when we got there , so My Family decided we wouldn 't be heading to Los Barriles as planned , but would spend the night here . We dropped Steve off so he could set up his own camp , and My Family found a nice lady named Nancy , who owned a restaurant where we could stay . We set up in their driveway , went for a little walk , and then went inside for dinner . It was really pretty outside , with a fire and candles on the tables . Victoria loved all the decorations for Halloween , while I think Jason was happy to have a nice dinner . The food was super tasty , and My Family started chatting with a couple of people from a town called Mexico City , which is also in Mexico , but pretty far away . Victoria was excited to talk to them , because she wasn 't sure if we should go there or not . That couple had traveled quite a bit , and after talking to them for a while they sounded pretty certain that we should skip Mexico City this time . Jason was more than happy to take their advice , especially after hearing about all of the other places they recommended . We thanked them and headed back to the camper for the night . It was the end of a very long day , but it seemed the roosters wanted to stay up and chat . I was happily drifting off , but the roosters were crowing what seemed like every five seconds . My Family couldn 't understand why this was happening . These guys are supposed to talk during the day ? Anyway , a couple roosters around there didn 't get that information , and kept chatting all night long . The next morning I could tell that My Family hadn 't slept all that well . We packed up pretty quickly and found a place for breakfast . The food was pretty good , and Jason liked watching the dive instructors all drinking beer and watching something called ' football ' first thing in the morning . After breakfast we got back in the big truck and headed up to Los Barriles . It was a short and pretty drive , and My Family is pretty excited to spend some time in a real town . We found a nice RV park to stay in , where I guess we 're going to spend at least a few days . Victoria said the RV park is full of snow - birds but I haven 't seen a lot of birds yet , just a lot of older people who like to talk to My Family a lot . I 'm not sure what 's to come , or if we 'll see any of the snow birds , but if it 's anything like the last week I 'm sure I 'm going to love it .

Posted by One Gay at a Time in Single Edition on February 14 , 2013 We all know that red roses are the queen of Valentine 's Day , and chocolate is king . If you read my blog , you know just how much I like chocolate . Although I never heard of them before this weekend , I am thrilled to introduce Sugar and Plumm , the Purveyors of Yumm ! Chef Pichet Ong spoke to our intimate group about the delicious creations they are whipping up . Perhaps best known as a judge on Top Chef : Just Desserts , award - winning corporate pastry Chef Ong is the whimsical creator behind the sweet and savory confections of Sugar and Plumm . He combines the fond flavors of his childhood with modern cooking techniques to create culinary offerings that are seasonal , pure , light , and delightfully experimental , yet nostalgic . After introducing us to the brand , he was kind enough to treat us to their For The Love of Chocolate gorgeously packaged box of some of their finest chocolate creations . It is an amazing assortment of hand - crafted artisan chocolates with origins from around the world . This box included two white chocolate blueberry and six pure dark Mexican chocolate ganache . However , the pleasant surprises didn 't end there . Hidden below were chocolates with flavors and aromas consisting of raspberry , vanilla , coconut , hazelnut praline , jasmine tea infused ganache , ginger , milk chocolate and pure dark Peruvian . On top of allowing us to sample some of their finest chocolate creations , we were also give a pair of their brightly colored , delicate French macaroons . It was all I could do to keep myself from digging in immediately . When I untied the ribbon and opened my brightly colored box , I was blown away by the impeccably pristine chocolates before me . They were almost too pretty to eat . Luckily , that would not stop me . What did stop me was the thought of my boyfriend waiting for me at home . There 's something incredibly romantic about fine artisan chocolates that makes it sinful not to share with a loved one . On our anniversary , the day before Valentine 's day , I told my boyfriend I had a surprise for him . I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth . After a bit of trepidation , he complied , and boy was he glad he did . His face lit up from ear to ear as he savored his first bite of the dark chocolate ganache - filled heart . I sampled the white chocolate blueberry - filled heart . I 'd never tasted anything so complex and exquisite . It was heaven . I was reminded of the first time blueberry wine touched my lips , and I had to have more . The combination of blueberry and white chocolate was pure genius . I forced myself to put the box away so I could savor these the little bits of chocolate heaven for a few days ; I simply did not want the experience to end ! There was no way I could possibly ignore the fresh macaroons waiting the ultimate demise . Although there were two , I wanted the best of both worlds . As it 's rather impossible to split a macaroon , I simply bit half for myself and passed the other half to my boyfriend . We made long extended moans as we enjoyed these incredible indulgences , and that was just the vanilla macaroon . I repeated our ritual with the strawberry poppy - seed , and the moans of happiness only grew louder . The flavors transported me back to the beach with my parents snacking on strawberry Twizzlers . I was shocked to learn that Sugar and Plumm serve breakfast , lunch , dinner , weekend brunch , and every craving in between . I was expecting a purveyor of sweets , but they create works of art from homemade ice cream and macaroons , to house - smoked salmon and Berkshire pulled pork , our team of master chefs , bakers , and chocolatiers are purveyors of all things delicious and delightful . The bake shop even makes everything handmade , from scratch . The only problem you 'll find is deciding what to order ( and possibly that top button on your pants ) . Although it 's too late to place an order for Valentine 's Day delivery , if you 're looking for that perfect way to show the special person in your life just how much they mean to you , this is a perfect for Valentine 's Day - Or any of the other 364 days of the year . The have gift boxes for every budget and an in - store experience you won 't soon forget ! This Upper West Side spot with Parisian charm and a downtown vibe is sure to knock the socks off anyone who enters and will certainly not disappoint ! Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 28 , 2012 Some of the strongest bonds you make in life are those shared with the coworkers you meet at your first job out of college . I remember my first week meeting one of the account directors who managed new business pitches . She was tall , gorgeous , fit , sassy as all hell and certainly knew how to dress to accentuate her sexiness . From day one , she treated me like a kid - Like an intern . But , when I threw the sass right back at her , she elevated me in her mind to her equal and commented how we 'd be good friends . I found her incredibly sexy and even had a small crush on her for some time . We continued to work together for a few years before I moved on to another agency , however , that didn 't mean we fell out of touch . Granted we saw far less of each other , but we still managed to find time to catch up either online or in person . Since then , she 's left that agency and now works for a major radio broadcasting company . We 'd been trying to meet up for cocktails after work for some time when she realized it would be really easy if she invited me to one of their concerts . She 'd still be " on the clock , " but we 'd get to hang and chat while taking in some awesome tunes . She sent me the calendar of upcoming performers and told me to pick a night . Then , days before the small venue concert , she told me to bring my man with me , however , there was a small change of plans . She apologized and told me she had to meet with clients , so she wouldn 't be able to grab a drink beforehand , but we could all go out after the show . " Sounds like a plan , " I replied . That day , CK left work early and made his way home to change and drop off his bag . He met me outside my office , and we took the subway downtown to the venue . It was raining , so that didn 't help as we were trying to figure out where to go under an umbrella . We arrived just in time . I wasn 't able to find my friend , but soon enough , she found us seconds before the show started . She took us to the VIP section , and we settled in . It was so good to see her . It 'd been months since I 'd seen her last , and she looked better than ever . Seeing her brought back a lot memories . We 'd grown close over the two years we worked together . I came out after leaving the agency we worked at , and she was one of the people I decided to tell early on . She has a gay brother , so I knew she would be more than supportive . I had already talked to her quite a bit about CK , and she was thrilled with my new - found happiness . As the concert began , my friend had to return to her clients to ensure they were thoroughly entertained . CK and I enjoyed each other 's company while we danced and bopped to the music . I was quite familiar with Train , but he wasn 't and neither was my friend . They both kept saying throughout the concert , " I had no idea this was Train ! " Let me tell you , they put on a good show . They audience was not the least bit energetic , which I 'm sure is incredibly hard to perform for , but they did a stellar job ! I spent most of the concert with my arms wrapped around CK from behind hugging him as we listened to the music swaying back - and - forth . We were being quite affectionate without making a spectacle of ourselves . Afterwards , we all made our way to a little bar called The Macao Trading Co . We ventured downstairs , and the five of us cozied up to the bar for some cocktails and tapas plates . I felt a little awkward because I didn 't want to steal my friend away from her clients . I knew she had a job to do , and I didn 't want to interfere . But , I also knew , she wouldn 't neglect CK and I . She is a brilliant multi - tasker , I chatted a bit with one of the women on the walk to the bar , and we bonded when I learned we shared a common coworker / ex - coworker . My friend ordered the group food and drinks to keep our bellies full and our spirits high . The food was AMAZING ! I had a taste of everything , and loved / savored every bite ! If you ever find yourself there , definitely be sure to try the mushroom and truffel croquettes . They are like heaven in your mouth ! When the two women were ready to call it a night , they said goodbye to my friend and made their way home . Finally , we could sit and relax and chat up a storm . CK and I were being affectionate , with my hand on his leg most of the night , but again , not drawing attention . I liked that about him . We could show we loved each other publicly without going over the top . It was interesting seeing him a bit on the quieter side . He 'd met other friends before , but this time he was a bit quiet . When my friend started asking him more and more questioned , he opened right up , and they hit it off . When CK excused himself to go to the restroom , of course we took the time to talk about him . She said , " I love him . I 'd hang out with him outside you , and that 's saying a lot ! He 's amazing ! " I agreed with her and told her how amazing he really is . When I started to explain how well we hit it off and the conversations we 'd had about our future , the smile on her face grew bigger and bigger . It was amazing the information we covered while CK was in the bathroom . He was only gone about two minutes , but I managed to squeeze in so much gushing about him . As CK returned to the table , we were just turning the conversation to my friend 's love life . Apparently , she too found a man to make her happy . They 'd been together for some time . I 'd never see her so gaga for anyone before . She is a very powerful , successful , strong , beautiful woman who would intimidate the sh * t out of any man . Finally , she found a man who realized what he found and treated her right , all the while holding her attention . I was incredibly happy for her . Not only were all three of us in love , but we were all at a bit of a crossroads in our careers . We were all faced with the decision to stay on our current path or shake things up and create a new path for ourselves . We all discussed our happiness with our current jobs , but fully discussed our lack of momentum and fulfillment in them . My friend told me I am too smart for my job gave both CK and I great career advice . When the night was getting late , my friend was incredibly kind and picked up the entire tab . We went outside with our umbrellas , and she offered to share a cab with us . We rode north to CK 's apartment to settle in for the night . When we got out , I gave my friend a hug and said goodbye . We got ready to go to bed , but not before fooling around a bit . We also talked about my friend , and he commented how much he liked her . I told him what she said while he was in the bathroom , and a smile lit up his face . I was truly in love with this man . He meant so much to me . I had no problem picturing myself spending the rest of my life with him . I could imagine it all . No guy had ever treated me this way before . No guy put up with my sh * t like he did either . He was something special , and I realized this . So much so , I simply looked forward to spending more and more time with him , if not the rest of my life . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 19 , 2012 The day after my birthday , CK and I made plans for me to meet his mother while she was in town . I celebrated my birthday the day before without him , but I still managed to have fun . I was incredibly excited to see him . I was also incredibly honored to meet his mother . I couldn 't believe he felt comfortable introducing me to her exactly one month from the date we first met , however , we 'd grown extremely close in that short period of time . There was a plan for me to meet CK , his mother , and three of his friends at Essex and Beauty on the Lower East Side for brunch . It was Mother 's Day , so I knew wherever we were going was going to be a sh * tshow ! I was slightly anxious . I was more nervous about meeting the one friend I 'd never met before than I was about his mother . I 'm not sure why , but I didn 't feel any pressure there . I was pretty relaxed about it . Either way , I was missing my Superman terribly . I arrived a few minutes late for our reservation . CK and his mother were still in transport , but the three friends had already sat at the table . One of them came to the front to greet me and take me to the table . I 'd met him before when we all went to see Avengers together . As we ascended the staircase to our table , he informed me of a problem in the kitchen . He mentioned something about a leak and having to shut the kitchen down . There was new immediacy to our plans . Per usual , CK was running quite late . I learned they were in a cab , but they were on the other side of Manhattan , however , he shared the good news he finally found a new apartment . It wasn 't in Brooklyn . It wasn 't on the Lower East Side . It was in Hell 's Kitchen . I was thrilled ! ! We learned they wouldn 't arrive in time for us to order , and one of the friends began to protest in uproar . He argued with the staff until he learned of the true nature of the problem . The maître d ' offered to walk us over to their sister restaurant , The Stanton Social to ensure we got a table and were served quickly . On the walk over , we happened upon CK and his mother getting out of their cab . He was in the process of calling me . I said hi to him and was introduced to his mother . She wasn 't what I expected at all . I 'm not sure what my expectations were , but she certainly surpassed them . She was gorgeous and very lively . I immediately loved her spirit and energy . We continued to the other restaurant . Not only did we get a table quickly , we were also served champagne to start . They more than made up for the inconvenience . On top of that , I feel we upgraded restaurants , not downgraded . His mother took the time to hug all the other boys and say hi . She knew two of them from Miami , where CK grew up , so there was some catching up to do . CK was rather reserved in regards to PDA . We didn 't kiss , but I got a hefty hug . He whispered in my ear how much he missed me . We held hands under the table nearly the entire meal . It was very nice being with everyone . The conversation flowed , and there was rarely an awkward moment . Our food was excellent , and we all enjoyed our meal . I was worried I 'd feel like an outsider , not because his friends wouldn 't include me , but because they all already knew each other . I was the new guy . I didn 't know the stories . I didn 't know the inside jokes . That would take time . Generally , until I 'm comfortable , I get quiet . I was worried they would think I was antisocial , which clearly isn 't the case . I really loved watching CK and his mother interact . She had a nickname she called him , and I found it adorable . They shared a lot of the same mannerisms . I watched her keep him in line ( and made sure I took mental notes ) . They were incredible together , even with the hell they went through over that weekend to find him a new apartment . It was obvious the copious amounts of love they shared . When we exited the restaurant , his mother returned to go to the bathroom . He took the opportunity to pull me in and give me the biggest kiss . It was quite a scene , but we didn 't care . His friends made comments , and he pointed out how he wouldn 't kiss me in front of his mother . Apparently , it made her slightly uncomfortable when he " flaunted his homosexuality . " I thought this was funny , because it 's the kind of thing I could hear coming out of my mother 's mouth . When she came back outside , we made plans to go back to his place and spend the rest of the evening on his roof watching the sunset . We stopped for a bottle of wine and some beers and went up to the roof with the batch of cookies I baked for his mother . Before heading up to the roof , CK and one of his friends were talking in the kitchen . That left myself and his mother in his living room to chat . I learned about all her dogs , as well as CK 's dog all living under her care . She told me how early she had to get up to take care of them the morning she flew out . We talked about what it takes to raise a dog and discussed CK 's desire to get a dog . He was constantly trying to take me shopping for a dog , but I couldn 't take care of one on my own . I wouldn 't have a dog until I lived with someone who would help me raise it . Maybe CK could fill that roll one day . We spent a lot of time talking about cooking . CK 's friend was an avid cook , so we had a lot to chat about . I showed him my massive digital cookbook I created . I learned where CK inherited his lack of cooking skills . Apparently , his mother was a self - admitted non - chef . She barely cooked , so the two of them discussed their lack of skill in the kitchen , however , each had their specialty they could cook . I expressed my plan to teach CK how to cook , but ensure he wouldn 't cut his finger off again under my supervision . After a while , a guy CK used to hook up with who lived in the building joined us . CK privately made a comment to me when we were downstairs how he may have seen us all through the window . He mentioned inviting him to join us , and I didn 't protest . My guard was up however . I had no idea how he 'd treat me . After all , I was the one who got the man he had a crush on . They were almost roommates until it came to light he had a crush on CK , who told me he did not share the same feelings . In the end , this guy was pretty cool . He wasn 't combative toward me in the slightest , and we actually got along . The conversation continued through the night . When this guy left , CK made an attempt to set him up with the friend who joined us from brunch . I really liked this guy . He seemed to get it . He was very realistic and had a great sense of humor . Of the friends I 'd met so far , he was the one I felt I would get along with the best . When the old hookup left , CK 's friend called him to set up a date . This also killed two birds with one bullet . The old hookup would be tied up and would stay away from my man . Yes , I was getting territorial . CK 's mother told us stories about him when he was a child , and I was really enjoying getting to know him , his mother and his friends . It was starting to get late , and CK and his mother still needed to get dinner . I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day . I too needed to eat something other than cookies . I said goodbye to CK 's mother with a big hug and CK walked me to the door . We talked about how much we couldn 't wait until his mother left , not because either of us were tired of her , but because we were hungry for each other . We hadn 't slept together in days , and our animal instincts were growling . I said goodbye to him with a big kiss and made my way to the PATH to head home . It was a very successful weekend . I had a great birthday , and apparently , I was a hit with CK 's mother . The whole day was a big success . I was all the more excited to be a bigger part of CK 's life , and I couldn 't wait for the next moment . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 5 , 2012 Waking up with one of the sexiest men I 'd ever met , Clark Kent , in my arms would make any morning spectacular . On top of that , I had no obligations to fulfill that day . It was Saturday , and I was ready to lounge around . Sure I had plans to go to the gym and grocery store , but that would wait until much later . Right then , there was a gorgeous specimen of a man in my bed , and I wasn 't going to let him go to waste . I cuddled and snuggled with him . It was finally 11 : 00am when I was conscious enough to remain awake for more than a few seconds to shift our spooning positions . I don 't think there was a moment we weren 't in contact with each other throughout the night . Even when we were sleeping on opposite sides of the bed , my hand was on his thigh . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . When we woke , things started slow and progressed rather quickly . We were both naked before we knew it . Eventually , we found ourselves in a familiar position . I had my face buried in his backside . He always derived great pleasure from this , and I wasn 't shy about delivering . I even pulled out some of the tricks I learned in the Tickle My Tush book once again . Oral penetration eventually led to full penetration . He felt amazing , and I was not in any hurry to stop . Every thrust was better than the last , however , whenever I slowed the pace to both give myself a break and to enjoy the friction , he would protest , " DON ' T STOP ! " I picked the pace back up again and pushed as deep as I could go . He let out constant moans of pleasure , this time at a decent volume until he needed to stop to catch his breath . He immediately turned over to face me with a look of exhaustion / excitement in his eyes . " Baby ! You feel AMAZING ! " he exclaimed . I dove on top of him and began to kiss him passionately . I told him how great he felt as well between zealous kisses . I took his legs and lifted them high and began to penetrate him again . It felt incredible . When I finally stopped , he said , " I love when you take me from behind , but this way … I dunno . You just hit the spot every time ! " We laid intertwined with each other enjoying the moment . We had great sexual chemistry . It had been such a long time since I 'd shared that on top of chemistry outside the bedroom . Standard issue seemed to be one or the other as of late . CK was the full package . After considerable amounts of cuddling , he climbed on top of me while I arched my back and gave him everything he wanted . I knew that morning my roommate 's friend slept over . I 'd already heard them up and talking . I was a bit reserved in my morning romp with CK out of slight embarrassment . While I didn 't care if they knew I was having sex , I didn 't want to be overly loud about it . I buried my face in the pillow and let out my grunts and moans through a heavy down filter . When the moment hit , he pulled out and finished on my back . Most straight women don 't understand this , but when a guy finishes on you , it can be incredibly hot , not something to turn your nose up at . It is a sign that you truly excite them . For me it 's validation , and it 's an incredible aphrodisiac . Many times , seeing a guy shoot is what it takes for me to finish as well . He asked where I kept the towels , but I was incapable of words . Only grunts came out . I tried with all my might to use my arm to reach down to my nightstand drawer , but no matter how much I concentrated , I could not move . I finally gave in and just lay there accepting defeat . " I 'm glued to the bed , " I told him . " You will be glued if you roll over onto your back , " he added through a laugh . My body was in full orgasm . After about ten minutes , I regained composure and handed him a towel to wipe my back . We rotated and lay in each other 's embrace . I was enjoying everything about him . He was witty . He was fun and adventurous . He was smart . He was incredibly sexy . Most of all he was passionate and caring . He was exactly what I needed - Exactly what I was looking for . We enjoyed the embrace for some time before he finally began orally pleasuring me - One of his favorite activities . This time it felt amazing . I closed my eyes and concentrated on how good it felt . I imagined penetrating him and his mouth being his insides . It felt amazing . I thought about how good it would feel to explode inside of him , and that 's when it finally happened . I gave out a warning , and began to explode like a fountain . CK was greatly excited by this and took advantage . " Wow ! You really weren 't kidding . Hidden talent indeed , " he added . I simply smiled and began giggling from his gentle touch tickling me . I was so incredibly relieved . I 'd finally finished with him . I didn 't want him to take it personally or worse , think I was broken . I told him early on of my issue , but he seemed to be quite understanding of it . That doesn 't mean he didn 't bring it up periodically , further stressing me on the issue , but regardless , I finished and made him happy . We made our way to the shower , where the fun only continued . We quickly found ourselves back in bed together sans clothing or towels . We just lay intertwined for almost an hour . We 'd already spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon together in bed . He was answering texts on his phone periodically and showed me a text from his mother . It mentioned being at [ One Gay At A Time 's ] and her reply was : " Hoboken sounds nice . Why don 't you look for a place there ? " However , he told me he couldn 't afford any studios in Hoboken . I was touched he 'd mentioned me to his mother and was excited he actually entertained the idea of living in Hoboken . When my empty stomach couldn 't take it anymore , I suggested I make us breakfast . I told him to stay in bed while I whipped something up . I took some of my world - class pork and apple sausages out of the freezer , scrambled some eggs with cheddar cheese , and buttered some toast . I returned to the room to get his coffee flavor or choice and let him know breakfast was ready . He emerged shortly thereafter and joined me for breakfast . " If you 're trying to win me over , you 're going about it all the right way ! " he said after shoveling some of the sausage into his mouth . This was the second time I 'd heard him say this . After we finished eating we made our way to the couch . We were both shirtless the entire morning and afternoon . My roommates and their friends came and went and we paid them no attention . We watched TV and movies all afternoon . When it was getting to be about 4 : 00 , he admitted defeat and suggested he just stay . He wasn 't going to make any progress finding an apartment at that point , and he much rather stay with me anyway . With that , we both smoked a little and enjoyed each other 's company in front of the TV . We ordered Mediterranean for dinner , opened a special bottle of Malbec I 'd been saving for the right guy and had more of the pineapple upside down cake for dessert . We watched Bridesmaids and other movies the rest of the night . We stayed on the couch all day until we both passed out . When he finally woke me , it was 1 : 30am , and we made our way to bed . I was exhausted , and I 'd done absolutely nothing all day long . It was some of the best absolutely nothing I 've ever done . Every last second of it . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 25 , 2012 Today is another Fast Forward Friday ! ! ! Hope you are enjoying these . It will help bring the blog a little closer to real - time . If you 're keeping up with the stories chronologically , please skip down to this morning 's post first , then read this one . I think it 's a good one ! Enjoy ! We 're both on the same page here . I dislike writing about these trysts as much as you dislike reading about them . It 's bad enough I 've lived them once , let alone having to live them all over again when I write them . On a Wednesday morning in April , while on my way to work , I happened to poke around on Grindr a bit . There was a message from an interesting guy on there . We began to chat a bit while I walked . He seemed pretty cool . I was about to head underground , so I quickly asked him for his phone number so we could continue the conversation on the other side . We chatted a bit over text , and I came to learn a few things about him . I explained to him I wasn 't looking for sex , so if this was his motive , he should move on now . I was there purely for dates and friends . He seemed okay with that sentiment , and the conversation continued for a bit . I tried to check his spontaneity and asked if he would be interested in drinks that evening . He couldn 't because he had to work late . That 's when I learned he worked in advertising . I explained to him , if anyone understood working late for a pitch , it was I . I explained I too worked in advertising . When he told me he worked downtown , I started guessing what agency . Ironically enough , he worked for my previous agency . He worked closely with one of my favorite ex - coworkers . We were really hitting it off and I was excited to meet him . We agreed to make plans in the near future . Wednesday evening , I was on my way home from a mediocre date . I fired up Grindr on the bus ride home and noticed he was on . I messaged him to say hi . He and asked what I was up to . When I told him I was on my way home from work , he responded , " You 're kidding me ! Let 's f * ck . " My heart sank immediately . I had such high hopes for him . I was crushed . " You don 't know who you 're talking to do you ? This is [ O . G . A . A . T . ] , " I shot back . He admitted to confusing me with someone else and began damage control . I think he immediately realized he lost any shot of anything with me , however , he still took the time to apologize profusely . If you know me at all , you know I give second chances out fairly often . I decided to lay on the guilt a little bit , but also give him the opportunity to redeem himself . As I got off the bus , I picked up the phone and called him . His timing caught me at a vulnerable moment . I was turning my dating life around . I told him what he did wasn 't cool . Again he apologized . I told him I would turn a blind eye this once for one reason ; a few days prior , I probably would have said the same thing on Grindr . I couldn 't hold it against him when I too had treated Grindr in this way . He fully comprehended what I was saying and promised not to let me down . The following day , I asked him if he would be interested in drinks Friday for happy hour . He immediately agreed that would be a great idea . When Friday arrived , we made more definitive plans . Since I was done work before he was , I offered to come down to his neighborhood . I just told him to text me when I should start walking down there , and he did . I texted him when I got the bar , but he was still working . I told him I 'd hang out by the bar for a bit . I walked a block to Starbucks , got a coffee and wrote a blog post . I needed a kick in the a $ $ , considering it was a Friday night after a long week . When nearly an hour passed , my patience was at its end . This guy was not winning me over by any means . I was a block away from the PATH and very tempted to just leave . Just as I was closing my laptop , I got a text from him . He was on his way . We met on the street in front of Employees Only . He 'd never been before , so I led us inside to order a round of drinks and find a wall to lean against . He apologized for taking so long and explained what was going through his head . He was working on something late and told the editor they 'd need to pick it up again on Monday . He 'd already used up one of his chances with me . If he messed this one up , there 'd be no redemption . I thought it was cute , and I loved his honesty . We talked about our jobs and our shared favorite coworker . I told him about my coworkers and how we 'd be excellent fodder for a reality show . ( I really work with a circus of a crew , but I love them ! ) We were really hitting it off . Everything just felt so easy . He was also incredibly easy on the eyes . I felt I was a bit out of my league here . He was five years my senior , gorgeous , smart , witty , well spoken , had a solid job , etc . Basically , he was the full package . I already knew he had a healthy libido as well , so we 'd probably be fine there . After two rounds of drinks , he took the opportunity to kiss me . I can 't tell you how much I loved that kiss . He was a real man , and he kissed me . I was crazy swooning . We decided to make moves . In our conversation , I was talking about what I do in my free time and mentioned the pier I lounge on directly across from the Christopher Street pier . He suggested we take a walk out there before grabbing a bite to eat somewhere . We walked holding hands to the end of the pier . He took my bag , set it on the ground with his own , and we walked to the railing . He stood facing the water and pulled me in , wrapping my arms around him . It was incredibly romantic . While we talked , I nuzzled his neck . Things were so easy with him . There was no drama . There were no games . There was just us . I couldn 't believe an hour earlier I was ready to abandon our date and go home . He turned around and hiked himself up so he was sitting on the railing dangling over the river . I was between his legs with my arms wrapped around him while we chatted . I decided to tell him how new to the game I was and tell him my coming out story . I figured I might as well get that out of the way , because if it was going to scare him off , I figured it was better sooner rather than later since I 'd already grown so attached to him . He was totally cool about it . This is also when I learned our age difference of five years . Obviously I was fine with that considering Smiles was nine years my senior . He was cool with that as well . As we walked to find dinner , he told me about his coming out story . It was interesting and not all that different from mine . I learned he was bisexual through college , which actually was reassuring to me . I liked men that had experience with women as well . It wasn 't a necessary skill I needed to see them utilize . I just liked knowing they 'd experienced women as well and realized they were more attracted to men . It also generally proved to produce more masculine men , which I 'm far more attracted to . I also learned in that conversation he was a cancer survivor . I didn 't know how this guy could get any better . He was like Superman . The date was off to an amazing start . We were walking hand - in - hand to find dinner somewhere , and I didn 't want the date to end . I was on cloud nine . I think I floated the whole way . We finally arrived at a spot I was quite familiar with , Frankies 570 . So familiar , in fact , I 'd been there a few days prior . The date was just beginning . I couldn 't wait for the next course … Before I hopped in the car , I made plans with M . E . to meet up later that day . I wasn 't planning to tell him I knew about his Grindring from my bedroom . I was just going to keep that in mind when interacting with him . I wasn 't going to let myself fall for a guy like that . For us , it would be purely fun . He told me he had class that afternoon , but he would come meet me on the pier when he finished . I was regretting agreeing to pick my sister up since it landed smack in the middle of my day . I wanted to head out to the pier and get some color while I was off from work . The forecast was looking gorgeous for the week , and I planned to take full advantage . I decided not to waste the morning and went for a run around 1 : 00 . I came back to my apartment , showered and packed a bag for the pier . I hopped in the car and headed to the airport . My sister was delayed , so I spent about a half hour circling the grounds . When she finally touched down , I parked in front of her terminal and began reading my first Out magazine . I was becoming a full - on gay man . I finally subscribed to a clearly homosexual publication . Around 3 : 30 , M . E . joined me on the pier . We laid next to each other talking for a bit . I gently stroked his hand with mine . We weren 't being blatant or obvious , but we still found ways to show affection . It was a nice time . Around 4 : 30 , the sun was beginning to set . The temperature was dropping , so I suggested we head back to my apartment . I wasn 't even thinking about this in terms of sex . I was just cold . He gave me a ride back to my place and decided to come up for a bit . He couldn 't stay too long because he had plans for the evening . We ended up in my bedroom fooling around a bit . It was nice to have him in my bed again . Every time we were together , I enjoyed myself . Over the next week , I didn 't really reach out to M . E . , and he didn 't really hit me up either . When enough time had gone by , I assumed he met someone else . I was trying to get away from the relationships based on sex , so I wasn 't exactly protesting or questioning why his calls stopped . One day I got a text from him asking me why we hadn 't been in touch in some time . I told him I assumed he met someone else . He assured me this wasn 't the case . He told me the reason he was so quiet was because he was trying to create distance . He was beginning to fall for me and didn 't want to get hurt . This is when I pointed out to him I knew he was on Grindr when he was at my apartment . I didn 't tell him how I knew this information . At first , he denied it and told me he was chatting with his friends about his spring break trip postponement . I acknowledged that , but also pointed out he was on Grindr while he was in my apartment . I told him how insulting that was to me . I pointed out how , by no means , were we exclusive , but to be on the app while sitting with me was not something I looked kindly upon . He apologized profusely . I told him I noticed he blocked me on Grindr as well . He told me the reason for this was because he saw me on there periodically , and it was killing him . He was imagining me with other guys , and it was getting to him so much he blocked me so he wouldn 't have to see it anymore . I told him I wasn 't holding anything against him , but it was shaping how I looked at whatever was going on between us . He was completely torn up about it . I had a lot of other things going on in my life at the time , and I didn 't really feel like getting into it with him . I was partially using this as a way to make a clean break from him . I liked him and cared about him more than a one - night - stand . I considered him a friend who I also happened to enjoy in my bed . He was more friend than benefit . I didn 't want to hurt , but I also needed separation . There was too much going on in my life at the time . He begged me to talk on the phone , but I told him that would have to wait . I lied and told him I was with friends and didn 't want to be rude by taking a phone call . I knew he wasn 't happy , and it wasn 't what he wanted . I needed to think about me for a change . I needed to put more effort into the men I was meeting and looking toward a long - term relationship with , rather than the men I just enjoyed having around for sex and a little companionship . It wasn 't fair to him , and it wasn 't what I needed . The time came to move on . How that would shape my relationship with M . E . was yet to be determined … After yet another failed date , I tried to see what other fish I could snag . It 'd been a few months since my last relationship , and I was hungry for something real . It 'd been even longer than a few months since I had that . I started to chat with a few guys , but work had other plans for me . I was being sent out to L . A . for a few days . I 'm certainly not complaining , because this is one of the best places I 've been sent to date . I even decided to extend my stay while I was out there . I told my boss I would be staying through Sunday night and coming back on the redeye ( on my own dollar of course ) . The few guys whose interest I peaked would have to be patient and wait until I returned to the East Coast . I chatted with my roommate before I left for L . A . I was debating how to spend my time out there . I knew I wanted to bask in the sun end get a head start on some color . But , would I be consulting Grindr while out there , or would I be using the time to find my center once again ? A big part of me noticed I was getting out of control again , but another part of me asked , why not ? I was single I could live it up . I decided I would make a game - time decision . I landed a few hours ahead of the rest of my team . This was by my own design so I could relax by the pool for a few hours before digging in . It was one of my better ideas recently , because when I landed , the weather was gorgeous . After two short hours , I got a text from the team they 'd arrived . I met them at the conference room , and they all commented on how I 'd already gotten some color . I continued to work the rest of the evening , and we went out for dinner after a longs day 's work . I had fun with this team . It wasn 't the usual stuffy crowd . This crew had level heads on their shoulders . While I laid there , of course I pulled out my friend Grindr . I wanted to see the talent in the Glendale area ( where my hotel was ) . I managed to find a decent amount of guys and even started chatting with a few of them . Of course , against my better judgment , I decided to have some fun . I found a guy who was looking for fun as well , and I told him to come by . He happened to be driving through the neighborhood , so he obliged . I made my way back to my room and waited for him to arrive . When I heard a knock at the door , I greeted a man who I can only guess was some sort of Armenian type . I really had no clue though . He had a decent body , and we got right down to business . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . We made out a bit until he laid back on the bed with his legs in the air . I pulled out a condom and gave him what he was asking for . He certainly liked it - I could tell because he continued to tell me how much he enjoyed it . He was a good bottom , and I had a good time . After some time , he finished all over his chest . Shortly after , I added to the fun as a smile crossed both our faces . I handed him a towel and he cleaned up in my bathroom . As he dressed himself , he mentioned how nice it was to have a good top around . Apparently , the Glendale area had too many bottoms and not enough tops . I wasn 't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing for me concerning the remainder of my trip . He was also very realistic about what transpired . We both treated it very transactional . He didn 't stick around afterwards or linger . He realized we were both there to satiate the animal within , and when we 'd had our fill , he peaced out . He was a body , and I was a body . That 's all . I never knew his name . I didn 't even have his phone number . I never would have thought I could have this mentality when I think back a year ago . I was telling N nearly a year before this how I don 't think I could ever have emotionless sex . I always thought I would only have sex with passion and love back then . I wasn 't thrilled with my transformation . I would have preferred to stay the same , but I 'd already realized how enjoyable sex can be . New Year 's Eve had arrived , and so did Boston . He came to New York City to celebrate with some friends . They were staying at a hotel in Hell 's Kitchen and going to a bar to ring in the new year . We 'd been in close contact about meeting up while he was visiting for some time . Instead , I killed time spying on my neighbors across the street with my roommate before venturing into the city for the night . It appeared we 'd discovered two ' mos living over there after some close examination . However , their blinds have been drawn now for quite some time , hindering further " study . " Smiles and I had been texting about our plan for the evening . We were going to grab dinner somewhere along the way to the party on the Lower East Side , but when he tried to make a reservation for the restaurant downstairs , he realized the difficulty that may pose . Instead he proposed to make beef stroganoff for the two of us at his apartment . I wasn 't thrilled with the idea because I was looking forward to a romantic dinner for two , but it would have to suffice . ( Now you can begin to see why I hate New Years ) . After we finished eating , we took a cab to the apartment . Smiles spent a good portion of it on the phone with his mother . I 'd already made all my new year 's calls on the walk to Smiles ' apartment from the PATH . I didn 't want to be on my phone the rest of the night trying to call people so I got it out of the way before starting our night together . I thought what he was doing was rude . When he hung up , you could cut the tension in the cab with a knife . Neither of us had anything to talk about . The night was not off to a good start . We arrived at the party and were greeted by a very nice gentleman who was not the host . He was one of the guys Smiles had gone to Six Flags months earlier ( whom he didn 't remember without a reminder ) . A trip I wasn 't invited on and still bitter about . When the host emerged from the shower , Smiles volunteered to run to the corner store to get necessary supplies . Apparently he wasn 't the best of hosts ( or so said Smiles ) . He asked if I wanted to join him or stay and made sure I was okay with staying . I took the opportunity to get to know the guy who greeted us while I waited for Smiles to return and more guests to arrive . More people joined us in waves , and it was a pleasure to meet them all . I sat on the couch talking to one in particular for some time . He seemed like a really great guy . Later in the night , I would learn from Smiles that this guy told him how great I was after learning we were together . " He had nothing but glowing praises for you , " Smiles divulged . A majority of the night , Smiles wasn 't paying attention to me . He was far more concerned with standing in as host . He made sure everyone had a full drink at all times , including me . I had to tell him to cool it because I was getting too drunk too fast . I don 't think he realized I was also filling my own drinks besides what he brought me . I was making plenty of conversation with a lot of the other guys at the party in the meantime . Ironically enough , we were talking about dating . I was giving some of the younger guys my " fatherly advice " from my experiences , which is absurd considering I 'm out less than two years . I did all this without mentioning my blog once , no matter how much I wanted to direct them to it . Smiles was still unaware I was writing OneGayAtATime . When the ball was about to drop , the whole crowd gathered around the TV in the host 's bedroom . Smiles asked if I wanted to pile in , but I told him my lack of interest in watching the ball drop . We huddled by the door as Smiles snapped pictures of the group from the doorway . When 2012 arrived , he turned to me and laid a nice kiss on me . When he pulled back , he went in a second time . It was one of his better kisses and it was sweet , but I 'm not sure it could make up for the lack of attention I received all night . It was like we were at the same party , but we certainly weren 't together . As I talked to the other guys , I felt like I was revealing a big secret that Smiles and I were dating . No one knew , and it was as if I was letting the cat out of the bag . I felt uncomfortable about that . The music came up and the furniture was pushed aside . The living room was now a dance floor . Smiles and I have never gone out dancing together , so I was relishing the opportunity to have a little fun with him . I started dancing with him , and he started laughing at me . It wasn 't completely insulting , but it was also a slightly belittling . I think I was making him uncomfortable ( and I am not a bad dancer by any means ! ) . When I went to refill my drink , Smiles was in the middle of the group dancing up a storm just as I 'd seen him bust a move in Central Park . I was hurt . He didn 't want to dance with me , but he did want to dance with everyone else . When I looked down , my cup had only ice in it . So I made the conscious decision to drink away my sorrows . Johnny Walker Black and I huddled in the kitchen and had a good time together . This is where the night gets foggy . There was a guy who was late to the party who was fawning all over me from that point on . He told me I was gorgeous and paid me more compliments than I can remember . I vaguely remember pointing out to him that I was dating Smiles , but that didn 't stop him . He kept laying it on thick . From that night , the next thing I remember was walking home behind him p * ssed because I was chasing after him . We weren 't walking together . I was walking about ten paces behind him . Smiles woke me in the morning . I was naked , so I knew we had sex , and I had an uncomfortable moist feeling between my cheeks , so I knew I was the bottom . I thought back and could remember flashes of sex from the night before , but I couldn 't remember anything about leaving the party . After I searched for my underwear and my dignity , neither of which I could find without assistance , I picked up my phone to check messages . Apparently in my drunken stupor , I wiped out my phone trying to get into it too many times with a failed password . It was back to factory settings . I told Smiles , and he recounted the walk home . It involved me arguing profusely that we were headed in the wrong direction ( Isn 't that ironic ) . It involved me tapping a French woman on the shoulder and welcoming her to the country . And it involved Smiles being annoyed by my antics . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 5 , 2012 Since my parents were staying with me to help me settle in after a move , I was relegated to the couch . Luckily , my roommate was out of town for work at the same time . Before he left , I asked if he minded if I use his bed . We were making good progress when I realized I needed to take a break so I could deliver the chicken soup I made for Smiles the night before . I texted him , " Morning babe . How you feeling ? Gonna be home in a little bit ? Gonna swing by and drop something off for you . : ) . " He was awake and responded relatively quickly : " Going to crawl over to see the doctor , then straight home . Should be back about 12 : 00 . " I asked him how he was feeling since he was in surgery only a few hours earlier . " OK . Sore , but can move , " he responded . " Will you bring over Tylenol ? I can 't go out again to get some , and I need it for swelling , " he asked . I was more than happy to be able to help him . I felt guilty I wasn 't there when he woke up from surgery . I originally planned to , but with the move , it became difficult . Luckily , one of his other friends was able to be there . I sent him a text letting him know I was on my way , and he responded , " OK . See you in a bit . [ My friend ] is stopping by to bring me soup : ) . " SH * T ! I didn 't want her to beat me there with soup . Chances are she made chicken soup too , because who makes anything else when someone is sick or recovering . The race was on . I needed to get there first . I didn 't want to be the superfluous soup . I wanted to be the primary . I quickly packed up the soup and added some of the brownies my dad made . I ran down the stairs and hopped on the bike . I was off into the tunnel . It would take me only fifteen minutes to get to his apartment . Hopefully I would beat her there ! When I buzzed at his door , his friend answered . DAMNIT ! She beat me . I was so disappointed . She came down to let me in since the buzzer wasn 't working . We chatted while we descended the stairs about how we hadn 't seen each other since the Hamptons for the film festival . When I walked in the door , Smiles was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of soup . I noticed the take - out containers on the counter and realized she didn 't make soup . She 'd only brought him soup for lunch . I came into the living room and gave Smiles a kiss . I sat while Smiles and his friend continued their conversation about work . I noticed a very large bouquet of flowers by his bedside and eucalyptus next to the couch in a vase . The arrangement was gorgeous , and I immediately felt guilty and outdone . I know it wasn 't a competition over who cared more about him , but in my warped mind , it was . ( I later learned he bought the flowers himself before the surgery since he 'd be so homebound ) . While sitting and talking , another friend arrived . I was also taking every opportunity to wait on Smiles . I gave him the Tylenol , got him water and cleared his dishes . I learned he was the one who brought Smiles home from the hospital . We 'd met before , so I said hi . The four of us sat and chatted a bit about a funny scenario involving Smiles , his straight friend and a girl from the night before . After a bit , he had to be on his way . The conversation changed from Smiles ' movie project to a new work project he was getting into . I moved across the room to help massage a knot out of Smiles ' back . I was crouching next to the couch in an uncomfortable position , so when I couldn 't take it anymore , I made a move back across the room . Smiles then moved over on the couch and asked me to continue . I was happy to be doting on my man . The time came where I ha to get back to my parents and moving in . I already stayed past the time I told my parents I 'd be back . I 'd been waiting for the opportune time to head out . I was under the impression his friend / coworker was going to leave shortly , and I wanted a little alone time with Smiles . When that didn 't happen , I had to bounce . When I got home , later in the day , I received a text from him . " Thank you for coming over and making soup . Yay . " I told him I was glad to see he was okay and to think nothing of the soup . " Ya know , those brownies aren 't going to make it to tomorrow . Haha , " he added . We joked about what it might do to his system . I was happy to see him in good sorts and glad he was surrounded by friends . I was also happy I got to show him how much I cared about him , even though I was insanely busy getting settled in my new apartment . He 's a good man , and he deserves special treatment every once in a while .

On my way home , I was on my cell phone with someone from work , and kept getting repeated calls from home . I was almost there , so I didn 't bother taking the calls . Once I got off the phone , I called home to be reminded that middle son had piano lessons at 6pm that I had to take him to since the good wife had to leave for work at 6pm . I pulled into the driveway to a flurry of activity . The boys had seen the guinea come out of the hole he went into yesterday and was walking in and out of the hole . Middle son told me that I had to come see . Still dressed from work I ran down to see the activity . Telling them that I had to take middle son to piano lessons , oldest son gets upset that we are so close and we need to catch him so he doesn 't get eaten or lost " out in the wild . " Reluctantly I start reaching down the hole up to my shoulder , realizing I 'm still dressed from work . After about 5 minutes of this maneuvering , I realize , this is going to take some time . Piano lessons will have to wait for next week , we have an emergency on our hands ! After going back up to the house and changing into more appropriate clothing , I head back down to command central . Oldest son had cleverly used sticks in the one connection hole that we dug yesterday to block the guinea from going too far down into the hole . Unfortunately , he was still a bit too far away to just reach in and catch him . That would be WAY to easy . The live trap was pushed up against the hole with sticks on either side to keep the guinea from escaping . It would just be a matter time . I could reach down into the connection hole and touch the guinea , but couldn 't get a hold of him . When I tried , he would head towards the opening , but not far enough to reach . I used several sticks to try to prod him , but no luck . I had just bought some bird netting at Lowe 's during lunch , so I had an idea . We would move the trap and put the bird netting over the hole . This will lure the guinea into thinking that there wasn 't anything out there any more and then get him to come out . Once out and into the bird netting , we could just grab him and the rescue would be over . Oldest son had a better idea that he should be under the netting ready to grab the guinea . After a few minutes we realized that wasn 't going to work , and he needed to get out from the netting so the guinea didn 't see anyone . Once we got the netting situated and tacked down with tent stakes , we were ready . I reached my hand into the connection hole and prodded the guinea with a stick . He was coming out . He came out . He was under the netting . Grab him ! ! Not fast enough . He slipped out from under the netting and took off . After letting him run a bit and then settle down , we began the pursuit . We saw him run and then lost him . Saw him run again , and then lost him . Guineas are really hard to see in the woods with all the leaves on the ground . They really blend in and can hold really still . Obviously traits that will serve him well , preferably after he is full grown . After a bit of cat and mouse , we had him surrounded . All the sons were moving in and I was trying to distract the guinea . Oldest son moved in for the grab . I told him to grab his foot . He reached up and grabbed him . He had him ! For a moment . The chase was on . . . again ! He ran through the woods and crossed the neighbor 's road . Then he ran along the other neighbor 's back yard fence . All the way around it and into the woods . I was in hot pursuit and the sons were close behind . I got within a couple inches of him at one point before he bolted further into the woods . We chased and he flew , we chased , and he flew . We had pushed him further and further into the woods . It was getting to the point where I may not find my way home . I sure hope the guinea 's sense of direction and home was stronger than mine . A little after 7pm we called the search / hunt / rescue off . We could do no more . The sons were disappointed . Each blaming themselves for opportunities lost . Another life lesson in exchange for a piano lesson missed . Overall , a more than fair trade . I wonder if the guinea wants to be found ? Maybe he likes being free in the woods ? It got below freezing last night and he survived . It is supposed to get cold again tonight , and then rain the rest of the week . I have to believe the odds are against him at this point . Hopefully death will be as elusive to him as he was to us . Again . . . only time will tell . I came home from work Monday afternoon thinking everything was good . The guineas survived the cold night without any problems and the chicks were walking around their condo eating and drinking in the morning before I left for work . When I got home , the boys told me that they had let them all into the run to get some exercise , but that the guineas had all moved up and into the chicken condo . Apparently they had enough of the low - rent district and wanted to move up into the lap of luxury . The chicken condo is too small for all of them when they get full size , so I didn 't want the guineas getting used to all the amenities the condo had to offer . So I pushed them all out of the condo and into the run , then let the chickens back in but kept the guineas out . Then it was time to put the guineas back into their coop and seal them up for the night . But as I looked at the guineas , there didn 't seem to be as many as before . Hmmm . Maybe I missed one in the condo . I went back and looked , but he was not in the condo . I went the guinea coop and checked . Not there . I took a cursory glance across the yard to see if I saw any piles of feathers that possibly the dogs had been successful , but nothing . The boys figured it out too and started to look around , but nothing could be found . So we got the rest of the guineas into their coop and went up to the house for supper . The good wife was at a ladies meeting at the church , but left a pot of excellent homemade potato soup on the stove for us . We cut the tops off the bread bowls and dug out the soft sourdough center in anticipation of filling them up with soup . It all tasted so good , I felt bad that the good wife was not there to enjoy it with us . After dinner we decided to take a stroll through the woods behind the house to see if we could see the guinea . A long shot at best I thought to myself . My oldest son started at one end of the ravine and my middle son and I started at the other end and headed towards each other . All of a sudden my oldest son starts yelling . He sees it ! He sees Where did he go ? Right into what looks like an old fox hole or den of some sort . We look in with the flashlights and he is down there , probably a good 10 feet . Still going deeper . He turns the corner and is gone . I know he has to be in there . One of you get some bird food . The other get a shovel . We look which direction the hole goes and climb up above the ravine and start digging . We 'll get to the bottom and pull him out . I start digging . And digging . And digging some more . I check the hole again . Am I heading in the right direction ? I keep digging . One of you get the post hold digger . This shovel isn 't going to cut it . I keep digging . We move closer towards the entrance to get an intermediary hole . I keep digging . We break through ! I look down in the hole . Nothing . I get a better read on the direction of the second hole . It looks like I am digging in the right spot . I keep digging . And digging . And digging some more . It is getting dark . Youngest son is getting cold . We finally decide to get a live trap that we have and put it outside the hole with a bowl of water and some bird food . Hopefully he will come out to eat and get caught . We get back to the house and middle son starts crying . " Now we have lost four birds ! " Two chicks and one guinea . Possibly a second . I tell them that I will check before bed . Hopefully if he does decide to come out he will skip the trap and go up to the coop to get warm under the light . Or if he does get caught , it is before I check when I go to bed so he doesn 't freeze . I can 't believe that I dug these holes . Big holes through roots and vines . At least four feet deep on the one , and no intersection with the den hole . Piles of dirt in the woods , testament to our attempt to save the guinea . We aren 't sure how he got out . I wonder if one of the boys let him get out when they were in and out of the run . Maybe he flew out the top over the six foot fence . If he is lucky he will come out and get caught . Be put safely back into his coop where he has food and water and a warm heat lamp . He diPosted by After the realization that the guineas have been starting to use the entire basement for their home , I figured it was time to get everyone outside as soon as possible . A few bad guineas spoiled the fun for the whole crowd . Although , the chickens were definitely getting the better end of the deal in the chicken condo . I had to get them out before they discovered my wife 's seedlings she is starting in the basement . I intended to spend a good part of Saturday getting the guinea coop ready for their occupation , but the good wife had other plans . She wanted something nice around the house , so I was off to Home Depot . ( I didn 't bother putting a link since I have done that on enough posts ! ) Luckily I called ahead , because they only had one sod cutter and I arrived just before someone else that also wanted a sod cutter , but I had called ahead ! Score one for the good guys . After coming home and failing to " cut the sod " where she wanted , because it was more rocks and dirt than sod , we decided to work around the house some and removed the sod all around the one end of the house where we intend to put mulch and few shrubs . After hosing the sod cutting beast off and getting it loaded into the back of the truck , I was off to Home Depot to get it back before my 4 hours expired at 3 : 30 pm . Yes , you read that correctly . It was now almost 4 pm by the time I got home and hadn 't done anything on the guinea coop . I do have to give the good wife some props though , because while I was gone she painted the panels for the guinea coop to match the chicken condo . We didn 't want the guineas to feel too ghetto . I was able to get all the panels onto the guinea coop and a ramp for them to come up and down . I had to wait until Sunday morning to get the feeder and waterer installed into both the chicken condo and the guinea coop . The idea was to each have their own home and stay separate , so the guineas will start to free - range later on their own . However , we woke up Sunday morning to bit colder weather than anticipated . Yes , it snowed Saturday night and Sunday morning . Notice the matching guinea coop on the left and the chicken condo on the right , thanks to the good wife . By Sunday afternoon , the snow had melted and I was determined to get the birds out of the basement . I put a heat lamp into each coop and put the water and food in . The only thing remaining were the birds . My oldest son and his friends gladly transported the birds to the coop and the run . That evening , we got the chickens into their coop and sealed them up all nice and tight , and then caught the guineas and put them into their coop . They were a little more reluctant since they just had a wire bottom , a couple of wood clothes rods for perches and a heat lamp . Not quite the lap of luxury like the chickens have . We wished them the best and then let them get to sleep . Looking down from the deck before bed time , everything looked so peaceful . The chickens in their condo with the heat lamp on , huddled into a ball close together to keep warm in the pine shavings . The guineas up on their perches under the heat lamp , sleeping away with their heads hanging low . The boys were in bed , my wife was off to work for the night ( As a nurse ! ) and I decided to lay down for a few minutes on the couch and watch some network TV . I sat down and began watching a show when I heard a crashing noise in the basement . So much for a little mind numbing relaxation . Knowing that there was no one in the basement except the chicks and guineas , my mind started wondering what they got into . I went downstairs and found the guilty party . The Guilty Guinea She was sitting at the bottom of the game bookshelf right next to an overturned Perfection board game . She was looking at me as though to say , " It wasn 't me ! " But all her buddies were either in the box or perched on the light bar . The little yellow Perfection pieces fanned out around her like rays of sun from a child 's drawing . After asking her what she had done , as if I was expecting an answer , I went over to pick up the game . She flew back up onto the box edge and then hopped down into the box as I picked up the pieces and then put the game back on the shelf , this time making sure it didn 't stick out , enticing her to perch up higher than the others . They have to go out in their new home this weekend . They are getting more and more brave . After work this afternoon I went down to check on them to find evidence that they have been exploring all parts of the basement . Apparently , unlike dogs , they just decide to poop whenever the feeling comes , so their evidence was all over . Over by my wife 's grow lights , under the piano bench , around the play table . It 's amazing these little birds can poop so much ! I turned off their heat lamp during the day today and they were huddled together in a tight group and not moving much when I came home . I plugged the light back in and it was as though their batteries had been recharged . They started squawking and moving all over . I may need to put a heat lamp into their outside home for a while until they get older and can handle the overnight low temperatures . The fun part is that the Barred Rock hens are getting really friendly to me . The rest don 't let me get too close , but the Barred Rocks come right up to me and start pecking my fingernails . They let me pet them and tonight they hopped up on my hand and let me pick them up . All of them are quite entertaining to watch . It is Chicken TV . I ended up sitting there watching them for a half hour , being mesmerized by their antics . Scratching at the pine shavings , looking for bits of food throughout the box . Hopping around when they would get startled by their own shadows . I may not have gotten to watch TV , but I did get to relax , and it was more entertaining than the Network TV I was watching anyways . I 'm not sure what it is about this fresh country air that makes me want to go outside and build something . Last fall I got it in my head that we were going to have chickens so that we could go outside and get some fresh eggs whenever we wanted . I didn 't know the first thing about chickens and have never raised a chicken in my life . My wife had at least seen them processed for dinner while growing up in Morocco . She was one step ahead of me . So I took the first logical step and headed to the internet . It is amazing the amount of information that you can find about raising chickens on the internet . The two best websites I found that have the most information and the friendliest people on the internet are East Coast Chickens and Backyard Chickens . East Coast Chickens is just a forum , but it is a lot of local people in the greater Richmond , VA area , so they are raising chickens in the same conditions that I would be taking on . Backyard Chickens has the most general information , about all things fowl , not just chickens . They also have a great forum with an amazing number of participants all across the country . If you can 't find something there , then it doesn 't exist ! The one theme that came across on all the websites I visited was that I should have their permanent home built before I bought chicks , because it always takes longer than you think , and the chicks grow up quicker than you think . Apparently once you buy chicks , your time estimation skills are ruined . Taking this to heart , I decided that was a project I should start . After going online and finding all sorts of websites trying to sell plans , forums showing sketches and pictures , I had a general idea of what I wanted . I even went onto Google SketchUp to see if anyone had posted any plans . After printing out a bunch of ideas from SketchUp and various other websites , I sketched out some rough plans for my coop . The next step ? Home Depot ! You can only plan so long before starting to build . A nice 4 ' x4 ' base seemed like a good place to start . A nice foundation to build up from . And build I did . ( I apologize for not having a full set of pictures and plans , but I built this before I started my blog , so I didn 't have this process in mind . ) My youngest son decided to join in the fun , and told me that if the whole chicken thing didn 't work out , could he use it as a fort . This gave me an out of the chickens didn 't work out , which at one point , I was glad I had ! I continued to read on the internet when I had the chance and build the coop at night and on weekends . I 'm glad I listened to the advice of all the random people on the internet , because it took me about 6 - 8 weeks to build my coop , but it was finally done ! I know , the red and white are a farm cliche , but it was my first new building on my property and it seemed fitting . My wife even picked out the red color for me . It even has electricity and a built in light for the winter when the chickens need more light to keep laying eggs . Another tidbit gleaned from the internet . I also put an electrical outlet inside in case I need to plug in a water warmer for winter or a heat lamp if I use it as a brooder in the future . It has two front windows that open with screens , a rear vent , three nesting boxes with a lid that opens from the outside for easy egg access , a side chicken door to let the chickens out and a side human door for easy access to feed and water . But the one thing I am most proud of is the poop door . The poop door provides quick and easy access to the poop tray . Everyone on the internet said that cleaning the coop was the most difficult task , and anything that could be done to make it easier would let you enjoy your chickens , and eggs , that much more . So I built a tray with walls on three sides to hold the pine shavings , and covered it in linoleum . That way , when it is time to clean the coop , I can pull my garden trailer or wheel barrow up to the side of the coop , slide out the poop tray and scrape all the used pine shavings into the trailer . Then slide the tray back into the coop , close the poop door , and put down a new layer of nice clean pine shavings . I am assuming that once the chickens see the luxury condo that I built for them , they will be happy chickens and gladly produce nice large brown eggs for my family . In theory , this all makes sense . Once I put the chickens in there , it may all go out the window . So now I had a beautiful chicken coop in my garage . My friend Dave from Phoenix stopped by to visit in early November , and after admiring my coop , asked why it was in the garage . With him there and willing , it seemed like an appropriate time to move the coop from the garage to the yard . After scooting the coop to the edge of the garage , and I say scoot because that is about all we could do , we needed a new way to move it . I hadn 't just built a chicken coop , I built an anchor . That coop weighed 400 pounds , at least that is what it felt like ! We decided that we would jack it up , back up the truck , put on the motorcycle hitch carrier and then lower the coop onto the carrier for the ride down to where it would sit in the yard . After about an hour of jacking up the coop and getting the hitch carrier under it , we were ready to lower the coop . We started to lower it down , waiting for the carrier to hold it . We kept lowering it , kept lowering it , kept lowering it , and finally when the coop touched the ground , figured that even though the hitch carrier is rated at a distributed 400 pounds , it wasn 't going to be strong enough to hold the coop . How much does this thing weigh ? ! Maybe my first estimate was accurate . I didn 't have the chicks yet , so apparently my estimating skills were still intact . We needed a plan B , aka , the neighbor . My neighbor isn 't just your average neighbor , he owns an excavating company . And what do excavating companies use ? Heavy machinery ! He just happened to have a large tracked diesel bobcat at his house that weekend . And not just any bobcat , but one with forks ! He gladly came right over , lifted up the coop with ease and motored it down into the yard . Thanks Clay ! It sure seemed bigger and heavier in the garage than down in the corner of the yard . But there it sat , in all it 's red and white farm glory , waiting for the chickens . Ready to be the centerpiece of my urban farming adventure . We had a pretty good hunch that the guineas have been able to fly up on the top edge of the brooder box and roost up there . The nitrogen rich guinea fertilizer on the tile floor around the box was the first hint . ( We 're not rocket scientists but we do have common sense . ) But every time that I went down to feed or water the chicks and guineas , they were always down in the box . Because of initial evidence , we decided to lay down a precautionary measure around the perimeter . Tonight I went downstairs and to my surprise , I caught them . All seven guineas hanging out on the edge , some of them in position to drop an external bomb ! I guess they aren 't pine shavings trained yet . ( Technically one was on the light bar , but there have been some bombs outside the paper perimeter , so I think that guy is scooting all the way to the end of the bar before dropping his bomb ! ) The Lego people staring over from the table next to the box must have thought that a flock of terradactyls had shown up and they were on the edge of ruin . I just hope the guineas don 't decide they like Legos , because I 'm not about to go sifting through guinea fertilizer for some Lego pieces ! We 'll just have to wait until next year and then find them in the garden after the fertilizer has served it 's purpose and released the Lego . Since we knew it was probably the guineas that were dropping the bombs before this discovery tonight , on Saturday we figured it was a beautiful day for them to be introduced to their outside run . We caught all the guineas , stuck them into an empty plastic dog house that we had available , since we didn 't know how else to get them from the house to the run without them trying to " free ranging " early , and put them into the run for the afternoon . The first one grabbed a leaf and the rest started tearing it apart , figuring that he must have something special . They pretty much stayed in a huddle and walked from one side of the run to the other while our dog walked around the outside from one side to the other . I don 't think Fenix , our dog , has ever been so tired at the end of the day . We threw a little feed on the ground but they didn 't seem too interested . I couldn 't tell if they were eating any bugs or anything , but by the end of their time in the pen they were walking around pretty good and seemed relaxed in their new environment . I even put that stick in the corner of the fence for them to roost . I did see one using my contribution to their outdoor enjoyment by the end of the afternoon . At the end of the day it was staring to get cool so it was back into the plastic doghouse for the ride back to their box in the basement . When we got back to their box , the chicks seemed so peaceful . I think they were finally relaxing without the nervous guineas there . But they were all back home together again . This event has just confirmed my hunch that I need to get them outside and into their permanent home sooner than later . If it ends up being later , they make decide to roost on the bookshelves and fireplace , and I wouldn 't want to have to clean up that mess ! I 'll keep you posted . Living in Goochland County , VA it seems that rain barrels are as common as spiders . They are sold on Craigslist , shown at the farmers market in the summer , and even sold at Whole Foods in Richmond . It seems that the most popular style is the one made from old 55 - gallon plastic barrels that were originally used to import olives . For the record , I can 't stand the smell of olives ever since I went through an olive market in Morocco many years ago on a warm summer day and smelled all the varieties of olives and saw all the flies hanging around that open market ! But that is another story . Being the type of person that is always looking for a project , because my list isn 't long enough already , I figured I could build my own and save a few dollars . I was able to find a guy on Craigslist selling the plastic barrels . Then I went to Home Depot and asked my friendly neighborhood plumbing specialist what I needed . Everyone online had talked about 3 / 4 " spigots , but he recommended a 1 / 2 " spigot . ( I later compared the two and the throat opening on both are the same size , and the 1 / 2 " is a couple dollars cheaper . ) After thanking him for his advice , I took the parts home and built my first rain barrels and installed them at my home . It seemed to work so easily that I made another set for the other side of the house . The real goal with these was to use them to water my new fruit trees that we planted last fall . We don 't have a water spigot from the house on that side , so figured this would make it easier . It doesn 't take much rain to fill both barrels . With the connector hose at the top , a nice average rainfall overnight will fill both barrels . My oldest son is taking a class in middle school called " Make it My Business " as one of his electives . He questioned if we could sell these rain barrels on Craigslist . I thought , why not give it a try . There may be some people out there that aren 't so handy and would rather buy them . So I threw up a quick ad and within a few hours , had our first call ! She wanted two ! She ended up only buying one , but I thought , this is easy . The next day I got a call from a guy that wanted three . I told him he could stop by the next evening after work and pick them up . I went and drained my two full barrels onto my fruit trees , which didn 't need it since it had just rained , and got them ready to go . The next day came and went and he didn 't show . I had his number on my cell so I called him back and he rethought about it and decided to go a " different direction " . Easy come , easy go . Now I have three extra rain barrels sitting on my driveway , waiting for a buyer . I think once I sell these , I 'll get out of the rain barrel business and stick with my day job . This whole rain barrel situation got me thinking . Do they really make sense for me ? When I lived in Phoenix it would have been great but it only rains about 4 " a year there , and it usually comes in the span of a month or two . I had to constantly water my lawn to keep it alive and it always greened up better when we got the ocassional rain water rather than " chemically treated " city water . If you are on city water here in Richmond , they would be a good thing because I think there are more nutrients in rain water than the " nutrient depleted but safe for us " city water and it would be free water . It also rains enough to keep the barrels full on a regular basis . But where I live , I have a well . So am I gaining anything by having rain barrels ? Is it better to catch the rain water right away and use it , or let it soak through the earth and filter itself naturally before going back into the ground where I will pump it up as well water for my house ? Why not just pump it up and put it on my trees and plants ? Am I doing this just because it seems to be the " right thing to do " for the environment ? Or did I just need an easy project for the weekend because I didn 't want to do any of the tough jobs on my list ? This is one of the Barred Rock chicks . She has gotten her wing feathers and is starting to seem more sure of herself around the box . One of them seemed this morning like she had grown an inch overnight . This is one of our Ameraucanas , or as they are also known , Easter Eggers , because they lay green and blue eggs . I am anxious to see their first egg . You can see that this one is losing a lot of the fluff that she used to have and is getting feathers all over her body . These two will run and flap their wings as they move across the box . Luckily it is a BIG box ! This is one of our French Guineas . They have grown the most . They along with the Ameracaunas , are actually a week older than the rest . They have most of their feathers coming in but still seem so awkward and gangly with their long necks . You can notice on the two pictures above that I put a couple natural stick perches into their box . They love sitting up on them and even sleeping on them . The guineas look so funny when they sleep on the perches because their heads hang way down in front of them , almost touching the pine shavings . Since they are getting bigger real quick , I need to make sure their permanent home is ready for them . I have already made their coop , which will be another post . ( Lets just say , I like projects where I get to build things ! I may have gone a bit overboard for some chickens . It has been sitting out in the yard since November , through wind and rain , sleet and snow , and it is still perfectly dry inside ! ) I bought an old dog run on Craigslist and need to get the two connected together and make them varmint proof . I don 't want to be raising dinner for the foxes , possums , and raccoons ! There is a blog that I have been reading called Crunchy Chicken , Putting the Mental in Environmental . It is written by Deanna Duke who lives up in Seattle , WA . She has really good posts that have a unique and unusual twist , she almost always ends her posts with a question or two . ( Of course I looked at the last two posts and there were no questions . But in her defense they were more general information . ) Those questions always make you think , and usually make you take action in some form or fashion . Anyways , she had a giveaway last week that consisted of a Pro Energy Consultants energy audit . That is a $ 350 + giveaway ! The best part . . . I won ! I can 't remember the last time I won anything . My wife had just gotten information on the company at the Richmond Home and Garden show two weekends ago . We had been talking about doing the audit and how it would be worth the money . Now it will definitely be worth the money . I will be sure to let you know how the audit goes and what steps we take to help reduce the amount of energy our house uses . Stay tuned . . . After coming back from church on Sunday morning , I went down to take a look at the chicks and see how they were doing . I was so nervous after everything that happened with the Stripeless . Right when I looked into the box , something didn 't seem right . One of the Buff Orpingtons was . . . trampled flat into the ground . It looked like it had been run over by a steam roller in the pine shavings . I was amazed that could happen to a chick , especially since there were only other birds in there . I quickly grabbed a couple plastic grocery bags and put the little lady in the bag . I wasn 't ready for another round of drama like we had Thursday night . And I didn 't have another pretty rock like we used for Stripeless . Home Depot plastic was going to have to do . Well , Sunday evening I was down in the basement with my oldest son who is 11 . He was noticing that Tiny , one of our Black Australorps seemed to be just standing around and not eating or drinking . He also wasn 't moving around as much as the others . We called him Tiny because he was smaller than the others . You would have thought that we would have figured it out at that point that maybe something was wrong with him . But we were chicken novices and had no clue . Later that evening I hear yelling and screaming from the basement again . The boys are yelling that the other chicks are pulling Tiny around by his leg and his wing . I pick Tiny up and hold him in my hand . He isn 't doing very good . He just lays there breathing hard . I figured I should put him out of his misery , but I don 't have the intestinal fortitude to do it . I just try to make Tiny comfortable . While I am holding Tiny , my oldest , the other two have gone upstairs , notices there is only one Buff Orpington in the box . I tell him that one of them died earlier , but don 't tell his brothers . I figure that Mom can get back down to Hertzler 's and pick up another before the others notice . I put Tiny into a separate shoe box in the bigger box with some food and water and go upstairs . Before I go to bed , I go downstairs to check on Tiny . As I go back upstairs to get two more Home Depot grocery bags , my wife looks at me and asks me what I am doing . She sees the bags and just smiles at the novice chicken farmer . I can tell inside she is saying , " Good luck with that . " Now I figure my wife needs to get a replacement Buff Orpington and a replacement Black Australorp . She can get it done Monday morning . Before school on Monday , the boys go down with me to look at the chicks . The younger two ask about Tiny and I tell them that she didn 't make it . All of a sudden they also notice that there is only one yellow chick in the box and ask about the other . I can 't hide it any more and let them know . They question why we keep getting the defective chicks and vow not to get attached to any more chickens until we know they are going to live . Monday morning my wife went to Hertzler 's and got two more chicks . We now have our full flock and everybody seems to be eating , drinking and getting along just fine . It looks like we may be out of the woods as far as chick survival . In case you lost count , we have 7 French Guineas and 8 chicks , 2 each of Ameracauna , Buff Orpington , Black Australorp and Barred Rock . Last Wednesday we started our chicken and guinea adventure . I had been looking online for quite some time to find some chicks and guinea keets . ( How cool is the name of a baby guinea ? Keet ! ) I had hoped to find a local source , but most weren 't going to be available until later in March , and the boys were anxious to get started . Most of the local sources also wouldn 't ' sex ' the chicks , which means I would be getting " straight run " chicks . ( For those of you that were like me a few months ago , that means that they wouldn 't sell me only boy or girl chicks , and I would have to take what I got . ) Not wanting to have to cull the flock in the near future to get only hens , and wanting to be able to control how many hens I ended up with , I kept looking . Some more searching online brought me to Hertzler 's Farm and Feed down in Powhatan , VA . Mr . and Mrs . Hertzler are some of the nicest people you will ever meet . This was the first time I had been there , and it was a great little shop , with anything you could possibly need for an urban homestead . We ended up buying 6 French Guinea keets and 2 Ameraucana chicks . The rest of our chicks hadn 't arrived yet . We would have to come back on Friday . Here they are in our brooder box when we got home . Six little balls of fluff . They sure can make noise , even at this age . They didn 't like being separated from each other and were very skittish , except for one . He was really calm and didn 't mind us picking him up . He seemed a little smaller than the rest , but we thought he was the runt . ( It works that way for dogs , so we figured it was the same with keets ! ) We named him Stripeless because the stripes on his back were much less prominent than the other keets . The boys were enjoying their new friends , and the keets seemed to be getting used to them . Everything seemed to be going great . . . until Thursday evening . I was upstairs doing something , and all of a sudden I heard the crying and wailing of the boys down in the basement , where we are keeping the chicks and keets ! I went running down as they were coming up . They were saying something about Stripeless . I looked into the brooder box and there was Stripeless ' lifeless body , laying there in the pine shavings . I 'm thinking to myself , " What have we gotten into ? " We couldn 't just throw him away . He had become a part of our family . I reached in and put him gently into a paper bag . We decided that we had to do something special for him . We went to the garage , got a shovel and went outside to find a suitable spot for his final resting place . In our turnaround amongst the trees , there was an opening that seemed peaceful and quiet . We dug a hole , and buried Stripeless . We grabbed a nearby rock that seemed very ornamental for the occasion and placed it on top of where we buried Stripeless . ( In my mind I am thinking , " This rock should help keep the dogs from digging him up . " ) And so Friday after work we went back down to Hertzler 's to pick up our remaining chicks that had come in , and we ended up buying 2 more French Guineas , named Feathers and Stripeless 2 . This morning I went out to the driveway to get into my truck and go to work . However I as amazed as I looked at the hood of my truck . There were ice crystals in all sorts of flowery shapes on the hood of my truck . We had some good rain last night , along with some high winds , and then the temperatures dropped and it was below freezing this morning when I went to work . The really amazing part is how large these designs were . The photo below I took while holding the camera up in the air shooting down so that you could get a perspective with part of the windshield and wipers in the picture . These were huge ice crystal designs . It is too bad that they were just a thin film on the hood of my truck as they disappeared quickly once the truck was started and warmed up . On my drive in to work I watched as the crystals slowly melted away , jumped onto the windshield as water droplets and slowly said good bye as they went up and out of sight . A nice surprise to start my morning . Since I moved from Phoenix to Virginia , I have been saying that I was going to start a blog so that all my friends could keep track of what I am doing . I have talked a lot about it , but not much action has followed . Now that Starr says , " I am embracing my country lifestyle . " I figure I better get going or I will have too much to say at once . I have always said that I am a " Jack of all trades , master of none . " This shows up in my diversified list of interests , from bee keeping to dirt bikes , raising chickens to photography , sustainable living to wakeboarding . This blog will be a place that I can talk about all my interests , and immerse you in my thoughts . ( Don 't worry , they aren 't that deep , so you shouldn 't drown . ) This will also be a place to show you the projects I am working on and what I have learned from them . It will hopefully be informative , and at least be entertaining . This is the continuing saga of how I am becoming . . . The Haphazard Countryman . Born in Wisconsin , educated in Texas and then moved to Phoenix , AZ . After 19 years in Arizona and three boys later , it was time to move from our tract home and get some more space . We moved to the Richmond , VA area and selected 7 + acres in northern Goochland county . As my wife says , " I am now embracing my country lifestyle ! "

As they day wound down and people left , we found ourselves lingering until it was just us and the other siblings with Jennifer . I think it was the first time it really felt ike family with the siblings for Zach and I . The uncomfortableness was gone and we were just connected . All through the week we learned things about Dad , his relationships , how he lived , and our siblings . I am not going to share them on the blog because they are too personal , but I will say that we had some misconceptions . Zach and my heart healed a lot this trip , in ways I could never have anticipated . I hope they are also wanting to continue building a relationship with us . As sad and hurt as I was that Jim had never met Zora , I am not any more . Although I realize that he could have made different choices , I understand that he did want to see her . That was good to know . I still don 't really understand why nobody knew that Zane was autistic other than the siblings . That was a little weird for us throughout the week . I was confused , at first , why we were getting * that * look , but figured out that nobody knew . I guess I forget that " Autism " is still a scary word full of stigma for other people . I know he was tight lipped about things , but I was just really suprised that they hadn 't even told Jennifer 's brother , a doctor . He actually hunted us down on Saturday , shortly after he had found out about it . He had a granddaughter ( I think … my brain was so foggy when he talked to me I am not 100 % sure ) who was non - responsive and showed many autistic traits as an infant . He did a huge amount of research and used biomed techniques ( specifically , treatment for yeast overgrowth ) and she is now indistinguishable from peers . ( seriously , I didn 't notice any of the kids with any sort of autistic tendencies … so if that child was there , she really is indistinguishable even to the somewhat trained eye ) . He talked to me at length about Zane 's symptoms ( and man did it make me dig in my brain … usually I can list off all of his tests and evals and treatments off the tip of my tongue , but I was really fried and was struggling to make my tongue work . lol ) . He got me a script for some non - systemic anti - fungal and I am going to get with my doctor here to have him work with me on doing yeast treatment on Zane . Thankfully , he also agrees with going low and slow so it isn 't hard on Zane . I started him on a low dose of the meds when we got back and am doing a lot of reading on the diets I am going to need to implement . The diet part is really going to be rough because it looks like almost his entire diet is yeast - feeding . ( except for meat ) I plan on starting to change the diet tomorrow , the day after Halloween . ( He has been looking forward to Halloween for the entire month and I was not going to tell him he can 't have any candy on Halloween … it could wait a few days ) There was also another person there I was introduced to who worked with special needs kids . They worked with a new program where you strengthen different parts of the brain to help increase learning . It takes into account which hand / foot / eye / ear is the strongest and develops a program based on that . I didn 't totally get it ( again , major brain fog ) , but it sounded interesting . I have to dig through my stuff though because I know they gave me a pamphlet of some kind that , presumably , has the name of the program on it . The only thing I can remember of the name is the picture I have in my head of the " Little Giant Ladders " that I have seen infomercials for . I am not sure if the name has something to do with " ladders " or " orange ladders " or " little giants " or some other weird thing that I remembered that way for some reason . lol . Sometimes a visual memory can be really confusing . I am really glad we went . Zach was resistant to going for a while , but I knew he needed to , and I knew it would be a good thing , but I don 't think I even came close to understanding how true that was . When every body is raw and stripped bare by the trauma of such a sudden passing , it can go either way … either it is the last event that forever rips a family apart , or it pulls everybody together even closer than they were . In this case , even though we feared the former , we most definatly experienced the latter . And , to finish on a lighter note , at the end of the day our camera was full . Zane picked it up wanting to take pictures , so Zach went through the camera and erased a few pictures so there was space for Zane to take about 3 pictures . The first was the back of a Ritz box , the second was the cool lighting fixtures in the kitchen , the third was this , confirming our suspitions that he really connected with Tirza : One thing that stood out to me was watching Jennifer 's mom , sitting next to her . She is quite old … I think in her late 90s , and was just widowed this last spring . I can 't imagine having to watch your daughter go through the same thing when the pain of your own loss is still that fresh . On a rather funny note , we got lost going there . Twice . It was the one location we had been to several times before and yet , we still managed to miss the turnoffs . Zach , who is frustratingly polite driving most of the time , actually got honked at twice pushing his way into traffic trying to get there . We had to laugh . In direct contrast to Zach , his dad 's aggressive driving was legendary . He seemed to enjoy making passengers squirm and was honked at regularly . Frankly , we were amazed he died of natural causes and not a car wreck . We figured the honkers had his dad 's eyes twinkling with his amused smirk in heaven . lol . After the service , we went out to his Dad 's house , about a half an hour into the Hill Country near a big lake . The area sort of reminded me of the Sand Hills that are South and East of Hutchinson , and my Maternal grandparent 's home place . Well , except that there were gates here , but they weren 't to keep the cattle in . lol . Zane and Zach took a long walk around the property to really look at what Jim had done . Jim had designed a myriad of intertwining paths and " rivers " of rock . Zane wanted to walk the maze of rocks and so he and Zach spent a good amount of time just enjoying the intricacies of the landscaping . Zane picked a rock out that he really liked and brought it home with him . It sits in a place of honor in his room . Here he is showing it to the camera . The tree he was planting . When we were at the viewing one of their neighbors came over and planted it so that nobody would have to come home to it still being undone . What a thoughtful neighbor . Landscaping binds the generations together in Zach 's family . A lot of Zach 's memories of his dad growing up are going with him and doing landscaping . His grandpa also did a lot of gardening , grew an orchard , and was always working with the landscaping with Zach too . This yard was a challenge to him because he had never worked in this kind of environment . I think it is easy to see he was a master , and his yard was his masterpiece . I overheard somebody say that firepit was the first thing he built when he started landscaping this property . It is at the back of the property and opens out to wild land . It is so peaceful sitting out there . Most of Jim 's grandkids were there that day , so we gathered them up and tried to get a picture . The first pictures are before Rocco was brought into the picture . Sloan is the only one I see missing . ( in one of my previous posts , she is the one in the raspberry stripped Hannah Andersson dress , going down the slide ) A much needed night out ! Everyone staying at the hotel ( Jim 's sisters and their families and us ) decided a night at the Riverwalk would be good . All of us are from out of town so we don 't get the opportunity to go down there very often . The kids were antsy waiting for food , so I ended up taking a walk with Zora while we waited . Along the way she saw two girls playing with lightsabers , and she was really excited to watch , pointing and exclaiming " ' tar wowts ' " ( star wars ) over and over again . A few minutes later , we came across the vender selling the lightsabers . I didn 't have any money on me so we went back to see if Zach wanted to get them for the kids . Well , it didn 't take long and Zach came back with lightsabers for both of the kids . After we were done eating , we were still standing around talking near the table and noticed that there was a dance floor with rainbow disco lights swirling around the floor . We decided the kids would love it and went in , and immediately Zane looked euphoric and was dancing all over the place , with Zora enthusiastically joining in . Some of the adults joined in too and we laughed and danced and had so much fun . Then the manager came and kicked us out . lol . Apparently , you can 't even enter the building if you are under 21 , so we had to leave . Leave it to the rowdy family to get kicked out of a bar . ( totally worth it , by the way ) I love going out to their estate . It is so peaceful and comfortable there , and they have always worked to make it a place where people can really relax . It was a great atmosphere to sit and chat and share stories and memories . I think the playground area is new , at least in the last 5 years or so . The kids just loved it . It also made life a lot easier for parents because it kept the kids in the same general area ( particularly Zane , who tends to wander off if he gets bored or overwhelmed ) . They had a local restaurant cater , and had all the ribs , brisket , and some poultry and all the sides . There was enough selection that I was able to eat some of it , which was really nice . Later on , the kids all had an ice cream treat too . Zora and Brenna really hit it off . ( Hayden & Amber 's younger girl , about a year and a half older than Zora ) Brenna seemed to love being the older girl and telling Zora how to do stuff . I saw them holding hands for a while too . They both have strong personalities and seemed a good match . Zora also seemed to get along with the boys running around . My rough and tumble little girl . Zane and Tirza ( Hayden & Amber 's oldest , six months younger than Zane ) seemed to make a connection too . Zane even pushed Tirza on a swing . ( which made me really excited … attempting to join in play like that is a huge deal ) Tirza commented to her mom that Zane must not have realized she knew how to pump her legs , but she let him push her anyway … she is such a kind hearted kid . She seemed to " get " Zane more than a lot of people do . We went back to the hotel to change Zane out of his formal clothes . When we walked in , I felt so bad for the sitter . She was used to San Antonio temperatures , and we had cranked the A / C because we were sweating when we were trying to get ready . She was freezing under her stack of blankets . We talked with her a while , and she said she would come to the memorial service to watch the kids again . After she left , we tried to connect with family to see where people were eating , but couldn 't get in touch with anybody . We headed out and saw a " Macaroni Grill " just a few doors down from the hotel and remembered that we used to love eating there in Wichita ( before they closed ) so it seemed like a good place to stop . We didn 't have any toys with us , but with butcher paper and crayons , we could entertain the kids pretty easily . It was good to sit peacefully after the whirlwind we had been through . Zach wanted to sit in between the kids and draw for / with them . It was so sweet . The server was great , and by the end of the meal , we were all happy and full . With the several servers we had met at the viewing , we couldn 't help but wonder if there were servers here who knew him . It was along the route between home and work and it was Italian Food . I 'd bet that he had at least been there . lol . We barely had time to shower before Zach had to leave for the viewing and the babysitter came for the kids . Kirsten had a friend and babysitter that was finishing up a Special Ed degree and had a special interest in autism , and she was happy to help out . She was great . She couldn 't get there until after the family viewing was to begin , so Zach went ahead with one of his siblings , and I stayed behind getting Zane and myself ready and waited for her . The plan was to leave Zora with her , while I took Zane for long enough to see the body , and maybe a little longer if he wanted to , then bring him back to the hotel to play with Zora and the sitter , and I would return to the viewing to be with Zach . I was still finishing up when she came , and helped get Zane dressed as I gave directions . I realized when I was giving directions that I never left the kids with anybody besides my mom , but I was too worn out and stressed to really let that thought settle much . We went to the viewing . It was the first time I had seen a lot of the family . Zane did pretty well , under the circumstances . He was a little sensory seeking … leaning , pulling out to swing when we held his hand , but overall , did really well . We slowly made our way to the front , and eventually , I had Zach take him up to see Papo , with me holding his other hand . We showed him Papo , and that he wasn 't breathing , and that he wasn 't moving , and that he felt cold and reitterated that it was because his body was broken , but his inside alive part was with Jesus in heaven and was happy . We stayed as long as he wanted to stay and just held him . When he started getting antsy , we asked if he wanted to go , and he did . As we walked away from the casket , he started tearing up . We sat down in a pew with him and asked him " What is wrong ? " ( we weren 't sure if it was too high of level question , so we waited a bit for him to answer before rephrasing ) He finally said " I sad " We asked " What makes you sad ? " ( " what " is easier for him than " why " ) . He mumbled " Grampapa - Papo " . We asked " Why does Papo make you sad ? " He said " Papo is Dead " . He got it . What a bittersweet momment . It was important for him to understand , and I was relieved that he got it , but so overwhelmingly sad at the same time . We hugged him , and then asked if he wanted to go back to the hotel to play nintendo and the babysitter and Zora , or if he wanted to stay here with us . He wanted to stay , much to our amazement . Minutes later , he fell asleep . Almost passed out he fell asleep so hard . He was all twisted up like a pretzel and when I tried to untangle him , he twisted back up again , so we just left him on the bench to sleep and stayed within visual range of him the rest of the evening . He woke up , almost crying , three times , I stepped back over to him , hugged him and reassured him , and he passed back out again . He stayed that way until we got him up to leave . As anybody who has ever met both Zach and his Dad knows , Zach looks astonishingly like his dad . We even heard Jennifer ( the widow ) , comment , in reference to Jim 's body , that " Zach looks more like Jim than Jim does " and it was true . I don 't know what the deal was , but you really had to look to see Jim because the make - up or something was a bit off . You could see him , and you could kind of see his father ( Zach 's grandpa ) in him , but it really didn 't look like him as much as one would expect . One result of the resemblance is that Zach had people coming up to him who didn 't know him , but instantly knew he was Jim 's son . A few of them didn 't realize he wasn 't the " doctor " ( Zach 's younger brother , from the second marriage … we had to keep pointing out Hayden to them ) , and seemed a bit surprised that he had another , older son , but everybody from Jim 's office and those he had known a long time all knew who Zach was . ( it seemed to be the church people who were more surprised ) . I do have to say , you know that you eat out a lot when you get waitresses and waiters come up to you saying what restaurant they had worked at when explaining how they knew Jim . That was sort of funny . His workmates were amazing . They stood and talked to us for a long , long time , and pulled other workmates over to introduce each other to Zach . All of them knew who he was instantly , and quickly remembered even my name " the other Jennifer Z * * * " ( Jim 's wife and I have the same name … which got sort of weird at times during the week because I kept hearing " my " name called all the time ) . It became very apparent that he talked about us at work a lot , and very little at the church . He spent a lot of time at work , so that felt really good . Heck , I even got baby gifts from his workmates , even though I had never met them at that time . They had many stories and fond memories they shared ( including that they finally bought him his own clippers so he would quit stealing the cake knives from the drawers to go out and landscape the grounds around the building ) . It was clear that they were devastated by his passing . Truly . I think they knew him better than we did , and hearing about him through them was so comforting . He clearly had a family with his colleagues . They also put a wreath on the door and took pictures of his office , and the building ( his dad was a partner , so his name was on the building ) to give to us ( and the other siblings ) . It meant a lot . There was a LOT of family there , including Jennifer 's family whom weThe viewing , over all , was very healing . We learned so much about his dad and were so grateful for so many sharing their stories . Near the end of the viewing , the line finally letting up , Jim 's sisters comforting Jen . Although Zane had changed positions after one of his awakening , this is the view of him at the end of the viewing . We picked him up and went to talk to Jennifer for a bit , then went back to the hotel . I couldn 't believe he slept the several hours we were there . This really wiped him out . Thursday morning was the first time we started seeing family . We met up with Aunt Joyce and Dan down at breakfast . We talked for a while , and when we realized they planned on making two trips to the airport to pick everybody up , we told them we would come along instead . With all of our luggage out of the vehicle , we had the back seating area free for either their luggage , or more people . They made a test airport run while we went back up to the room . Pretty soon we got a call from Hayden ( Zach 's brother ) to see if Zach wanted to meet with the preacher with the rest of the siblings , so he went with him to do that while I tried to settle the kids in . Zane was clearly agitated , but got a little better when I pulled out all of the blankets ( yeah for overpacking ) I had brought with us and covered the loveseat and made a little nest for him . Although we had been talking about what was going on to a degree , I still had to talk to Zane , more specifically , about what exactly was going on and what death was . I had to practice saying " dead " over and over again so I could say it without bursting into tears . He had a mini - meltdown and closed himself in the bathroom , trying to block the door , and I knew it was past time to have that talk . His body was broken and the doctors couldn 't fix him . When our bodies get a little broken , we go to a dr to fix us . ( then went through different people to ask " Is mommy broken , is Zane broken … ect , to make sure he understood the concept of broken body and not broken body ) In video games , when you die , it is a pretend die . You can start again and you are alive . In real life , when you die , you stay dead . You can 't start again . You can 't talk to the person , or hug them , and they can 't breathe or see or hear any more . They look a little bit like they are asleep , but they are not asleep . When you go to sleep , you wake up . When you die , you do not wake up . You can tell the person is dead because they don 't breath or open their eyes any more . ( again , asked questions to see if he was comprehending ) Inside of all of us there is an invisible part that makes us alive , called a spirit or soul . When the body breaks too much for docters to fix , the spirit goes to heaven to live with Jesus . His alive part , his spirit , is happy because he is with Jesus . Mommy and Daddy are sad because we won 't see his spirit for a long time and we will miss him being on earth . We miss being able to talk to him and hug him . ( again … questions to confirm comprehension ) We will be going to see his body . His body will be in a special box called a coffin . He will look a little like he is alseep , but he will mostly look different ( as it turned out , there was no question he wasn 't just asleep , and he looked quite a bit different ) . He won 't be breathing and he won 't open his eyes because his alive part is not in his body any more . His alive part is with Jesus . There will be other people there to see Papo 's body . A lot of them might be crying , or sad , and that is OK . It is good to cry when we are sad . We all miss Papo being alive , but we know his inside part , his spirit part , is happy and living with Jesus . If you are sad , it is good to cry . If you are scared , it is good to tell us . Mommy and Daddy will be with you and keep you safe and give you hugs if you want them . If you are not sad , that is fine . It is ok to not be sad . I asked him a bunch of question afterwards to make sure he got the concept ( as much as he could … nobody * really * gets death ) . I also knew that the only way he was going to understand what dead meant , for sure , was to take him to the viewing . Every part of my soul wanted to spare him that , but I knew that I had to . Right after Zach returned from his meeting with the siblings , we left to pick everybody up at the airport . They were coming from three different places in the country , but all managed , somehow , to end up on the same plane the last leg . Amazing . We exchanged a few quick hugs , got people and luggage arranged in the vehicles , and headed back to the hotel . It was Monday night , 8 : 30pm or so . It was the " witching hour " where we are trying to round everybody up for bed , just a bit on the late side that night and the kids were that overtired crazy they get when they need to go to bed . I picked up the phone , and a business - like voice asked for Zach . I assumed it was his work because they were starting the move from the old facility to the brand new ( in fact , not totally finished … some areas are still " hard hat only " areas ) and Zach is the go - to guy for computer stuff , especially oddball problems . Zach quickly went downstairs , away from the melee , to have his conversation , but that just " confirmed " my thought that it was work . I will never forget the look on his face as he walked the last few steps up the stairs back into the living room a few minutes later . I sit here with tears rolling down my face remembering it . He stuttered out that it was Hayden and Dad was dead , and was choking back tears . That is when the world started spinning . After holding each other for a while , I told him to call his mom and let her know . ( his Dad and his wife celebrated 30 years , so the divorce happened shortly before their marriage ) . For the next few days , we were almost always on at least one phone , but often two phones and the other one would start ringing . We have prepaid cell phones that had barely been used up until this week , but we had to keep adding money to keep them going over and over again because they were seeing such heavy use . Zach didn 't really start crying hard until he had to tell his mom . I was on the phone with Zach 's best friend ( very close friend of mine after all of these years too ) and was telling him what was going on . I wasn 't going to have him come over that late , until I heard Zach start sobbing , big heaving sobs on the phone with his mom , and Robert said he would be right over . It was so good to have him here . For a while we considered having him come along with us , but realized that wasn 't the best idea for us or him . It was nice of him toA few more phone calls with Amber and Kirsten and we discovered that nobody there had numbers for Zach 's Aunts , Jim 's sisters . They were considering sending messages via facebook out of desperation , but I told them to give me a bit and see if I could find them . I knew we had addresses , but when I looked in my Palm Pilot , there wasn 't a phone number there for Sandy . I started googling and came up with a number in the same town , with her dh 's name and called . Wrong person . ( that was fun ) . Then I googled Joyce and went to compare addresses , discovered I did have Joyce 's number and called her . That was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make . She said she would call Sandy . After a while , I posted on my blog . Much to my horror , that is how some of the cousins found out . ( it was late and , thinking they had gone to sleep , Sandy was going to tell them in the morning ) I think it was meant to be though because the chance of them seeing it when they did is just amazing . One or the other of us was on the phone almost the whole time until past midnight . I tried to rent a van , but the first one that was available was Thursday evening . We called airlines and quickly realized that wasn 't a possibility for us . ( besides the fact that there have been multiple stories of autistic kids being kicked off planes and I knew Zane was not going to handle a plane ride well under this kind of stress ) and I knew I could not handle it if that happened . It would break me . At about 1am , we realized the kids were still up and put them to bed . Our first big decision was whether or not to take the kids with us . At first , we thought about leaving them here . My parents would watch them . Since this family doesn 't see each other often , and Hayden and Amber were bringing their kids ( and the other siblings live in San Antonio area ) we decided to bring the kids because it might be a while before we meet up with everybody again . A few people in the family had met Zane , but nobody had met Zora . If anything good was going to come out of this , at least they could meet our kids . My parents immediately said that they would loan us the money we needed to rent a van , and mom said she would come up the next day to help me shop . I had an outfit , and Zach had work clothes and a sportscoat , but when I pulled the summer clothes back out , all of Zora 's clothes were bright and cheerful , and the only remotely sedate clothing was meant for cold Kansas winters , not warm San Antonio . ( it was still in the 80s there ) . Zane had some stuff , but needed shoes that weren 't bright green crocs . Both had outgrown their summer church shoes . We ended up getting Zane a sportscoat , which seemed appropriate because almost all the pictures Zach has of him and his dad has Zach in a sportscoat just like his Dads . We found some stuff on clearance for Zora ( summery , but more sedate ) . I also needed new make - up . I realized that most of my make - up was left over from my wedding . I would buy new mascara and eye liner when I needed to wear make - up , but I know the last time I tried to use the eye shadow the little sponge brushes literally disintegrated in the make up when I tried to put it on . It was time . Tuesday , I spent the morning trying , again , to find a car to rent in Wichita sooner . I was hoping for a van , but there was nothing . Mom came up and we took Zora and went shopping , and Zach stayed home with Zane , next to the phone , talking to family as plans firmed up and trying to get a car sooner because the viewing was moved to Thursday instead of Friday . Eventually , Zach got a Hertz agent to understand what was going on and they started working on their end to get a car into Wichita ASAP . We were willing to drive to surrounding towns , but Wichita was the main hub in this area for cars and nothing else was available either . We think they called down to KC and brought a van from there ( it had MO plates ) and they said they would try and get it to us by noon on Wednesday . It was clear they were pulling strings and really going the extra mile because every time they located a possible car , they would call to see if it was ok … the first was a 2 seater , but strapping the kids to the roof seemed like a bad idea . It was weird to go shopping in a rush like that , but we always feel so … I don 't know … inadequate , around that family . We always feel like the poor relatives and that feels really yucky . I know that we aren 't as dirt poor as we once were , and it shouldn 't have mattered to me ( and I am sure that it didn 't matter to them ) , but I already have to walk into that crowd as the fat one ( I hate how I look … HATE . IT . My hair is ugly , my body is ugly , and I feel so freakin ' frumpy . ) , and that couldn 't be changed in an afternoon , but at least my kids could look nice . I shouldn 't have felt that way . It was a fear that I realized was totally unfounded when I got there . Everybody was warm and welcoming and I knew instantly that nobody there cared one iota what we were wearing , they just cared that we were there . It 's weird what fears and insecurities come up when facing stuff like this though . Between the time we found out on Monday evening until Thursday night after the viewing , I had a total of * maybe * 6 hours of sleep . I found I just couldn 't sleep . I couldn 't even sleep in the van on the way there either . On Tuesday night I sent Zach to bed so he would be awake to drive and I stayed up packing . Packing was very erratic . I couldn 't make decisions and ended up packing pretty much every weather appropriate outfit we own , all of our toiletries ( including bandaids and some first aid stuff that actually came in handy ) and a very strange selection of toys for the kids . I packed snacks for the kids and even had stuff like spoons for yogurt and knives for peanut butter . I packed and packed and packed . You would think we were moving . lol . Luckily , we don 't actually own very many clothes , so it fit easily into the van . We went to Germany for two weeks with one carry - on rolling suitcase each , the computers in Zach 's briefcase , and my purse . That was it . We had enough room in them to buy several bags of stuff there and have it fit in our luggage . We left for a 4 day trip to San Antonio with enough stuff to livThe kids actually did reasonably well on the drive . Zane played his DS and Zora , somehow , managed to entertain herself with the oddball contents of her " sparkle purse " ( she puts helicopters , cars , dollhouse dolls and other odds and ends in there ) and singing at the top of her lungs . We stopped at fast food places with those play structures ( even a stand alone chick - fil - a … I had never seen one of those outside a mall , so that was odd ) and let the kids stretch their legs while we ate , and then they ate when we got back in the van . We also discovered a magical concoction of extra caffinated coffee for Zach . We rolled into San Antonio at around 3 : 30 or so , and it took several misturns to figure out how to get to the hotel . We could see it , but we couldn 't figure out how to get to it for a while . We unloaded everything and set the room up for the kids to be more comfortable because everybody was too wound up to just go to sleep .

Our Inaugural Camping Trip had become pretty dangerous . Days 1 , 2 , and 3 almost did us in . Please forgive me for the lack of pictures , but at this point we were just trying to survive . Pictures just weren 't really important at that point . We woke up , poured what little water was left between the three of us and waited . 10 o ' clock became 11 o ' clock became noon . Feeling like it was Ground Hog 's Day , we realized the Dealership escort wasn 't coming . He decided he would walk to the nearest town , which was about 7 miles away . At that point it was at least 92 and heading for 96 . My husband , God love him , thinks he 's still 20 . I told him that as dehydrated as he was , and as old as he was , he was likely to have a stroke walking in that heat . Of course that just made him more stubborn . He took off around 12 : 30 . Me and Snappin ' Sammie just sat under the Oak tree and waited , and worried that the Love of My Life might be stroking out as I died of dehydration in the middle of nowhere . At least he would be found . No one knew where Sammie and I were . We 'd be found years later . But first by coyotes . Around 2 : 00 , a truck came into the clearing . It was the Dealership escort . Later we would find out that he kept telling everyone he was supposed to pick us up , but they told him to wait because we would call . Now that 's funny . He asked where my husband was . I told him " just look on Rt . 1234 for someone dead on the side of the road , because he left an hour and a half ago to try and make it to a phone with reception to call you . " I gave him the cell phone number , and he took off . Sammie and I were getting hotter . And drier . About 4 o ' clock things were getting a little desperate , and I was trying to think about Plan Z , when all of a sudden I thought I heard a noise . A bright blue car turned the corner of the clearing and I just stared , praying that my husband was in there . The driver side door opened and he shouted " Hi Hun ! Get in this car and get some AC ! " And then I knew everything was going to be ok . The Yamahopper took me 3 miles down 1234 and then ran out of gas . I left it laying on the side of the road behind a bush , and then started walking . About a mile outside of town , about the time I was thinking that walking had been a really bad idea , a car pulled off the road just ahead of me . I thought it was the Dealership escort and hurried towards it . But a girl looked out of the drivers window , said ' you 're not Jimmy ' , and drove off ! I couldn 't believe it ! I was at the edge of town , when I heard the phone ring . It was the dealership guy . He told me to wait for him . He 'd be right there . He picked me up , and we went to the Dealership . The Service Manager said he was sorry , but when they went to replace the gasket , there was too much sludge in the engine , and they needed $ 4700 to take the engine apart and clean it . I told him thanks , just put the gasket on and I 'll take my chances . Sludge won 't hurt an engine . The Service Manager said he couldn 't do that , so I asked to see the General Manager . The Service Manager said I couldn 't see the General Manager , and at that point I got mad . I told him I used to be a Service Manager too , and I know how it works . Go get the General Manager immediately . The General Manager came down and asked the Service Manager what was wrong . At this point a small crowd had assembled , and customers were watching . The Service Manager stuck his hand in the sludge and scraped a handful to show the General Manager . The General Manager looked at me and said , I 'm sorry , the engine has to be cleaned . My husband is a pretty benign guy . And a man of few words . But when he gets angry , he speaks in a very slow , low , very loud voice , and attracts a lot of attention . He 's scarey . There 's electricity around his entire body . I wish I had been there . I told the General Manager that he was right . The engine was going to blow now that the Service Manager stuck his hand in the sludge . There was nothing wrong with the truck until he stuck his hand in there . The GM and the Service Manager went off and talked for a few minutes . They came back and told me if I signed some papers absolving them of any responsibility , they would clean the engine for free , and the truck would be ready in the morning . In the meantime , they would get me a rental car at cost . But first , we had to go retrieve the Yammahopper . We went to town , bought a gas can , filled it with gas , and found the Yammahopper . We decided to return on a longer back road , because the moped wasn 't street legal , and we 'd be less likely to be caught on that back road . So I followed RetroMan , and we slowly made our way 9 miles to Tree Ring . We finally got back to our City house around midnight , roughly 84 hours since we started out . We were never so glad to have a shower . We got the truck the next day without incident . It 's the overdrive button , which is what you 're supposed to push when you are towing . If you don 't push it , pressure can build in the engine - enough to blow a gasket . If we had only known . RetroMan and I were talking about this camping trip the other day , and we realized that some of the details were getting murky . Since this blog was named after this camping trip , I thought I would write everything down before we forgot all the details . I hope you enjoyed the story and never go camping as unprepared as we were . Friday morning was just as beautiful as the first and second days of our Inaugural Camping Trip . The skies were that beautiful blue I 've only seen in Florida . We didn 't have any more coffee , but we had one jug of water and a few burgers left over from the day before . At this point , we were a little smelly - it had been two days since our last shower , and it was started getting really , really hot . Unbeknownst to us , a record - breaking heat wave had begun the day we started our camping trip . We were used to the heat , but it was really getting oppressive . During our camping preparations , RetroMan had made this really cool shower thingy . It just required electricity , which required the generator , which had hardly any gas because we thought it was safer to transport it that way , which we hadn 't had a chance to get gas for , because our truck was on the verge of a total break down . But we knew we 'd be back in shape soon , as the Dealership escort would be there any minute , and we 'd get on with our plans . 10 o ' clock came and went . So did 11 and 12 . At 1 o ' clock we decided the escort had forgotten about us or forgotten where we lived . Either that , or the Dealership fixed the truck , sold it , and left us for dead . We realized there was only one person on earth that knew exactly where we were , and that was the Dealership escort . As it happened , our nearest neighbor was a mile away . We discussed RetroMan going there to call the Dealership since my cell phone was useless . We had never met our neighbor , but we knew he was a prominent member of the Community . For the sake of this story and his privacy , we 'll call him Mr . PMOC . Though we were embarrassed by our circumstances , we decided we needed some help , and got the Yammahopper ready . We figured it was nearly out of gas after our fun the day before . The little gas we had was in the generator , so RetroMan got a plastic cup , tilted the generator , and filled it 1 / 2 way . On the way to the Yammahopper , the cup literally disintegrated in his hands . Apparently plastic and gas don 't mix . The only thing we had left to use was the empty bottle of Champagne we 'd bought to celebrate our first night of camping . Very carefully , RetroMan poured what was left of the gas in the generator into the tiny bottle opening . This was no small feat , as the generator was very heavy and the bottle opening was very small . The moped made it to their house and I parked on the side . I went up the side steps to the porch , around to the front door and saw that the front steps were blocked off . Worried that they had just poured concrete on the porch or something , I jumped off and went around the back . I could see a woman working through the window . I shouted and waved my arms to get her attention . She looked at me and then went right on working . So I started whistling . At that point , the back door slowly opened and a man stepped out , presumably Mr . PMOC . I introduced myself and explained our situation , which , even to me sounded too bizarre to be true . Mr . PMOC asked me for the Dealership phone number and dialed it on his cell phone , which promptly died . He yelled to his teenage son to go get a land line , redialed the number , and handed me the phone . This entire time he didn 't smile or say a word , though he did offer to take me to the Dealership . I spoke with a receptionist , who said the truck wasn 't ready yet - they needed one more day , and they would pick me up in the morning . At that point , a little wiener dog ran at me from inside the house , wagging its tail , the only one that was glad to see me . I petted her , got back on the Yammahopper , and told Mr . PMOC I was worried the dog would follow me back to our property . Don 't worry , he said , the dog always stops at the end of the driveway . Thursday morning , the day after the rocky start to our Inaugural Camping Trip , we woke up to a beautiful , sunny day . Out in the country in June , it actually gets cool enough at night to need covers . This was a welcome treat , since we slept buck at the City House to save money on air conditioning bills . We split what was left of the day old coffee and made a plan . We had expensive things at the camp site like a 40 year old camper , a shot gun , and a generator , and I knew bubkus about truck engines . We decided that I would stay on lookout at the site with Snappin Sam , and RetroMan would take the truck to the Dealership about 20 miles away . He figured the truck needed a new gasket , which should take just a few hours to replace . Off he went about 10 : 00 . I sat myself and Sammie underneath the giant oak tree next to the camper , which was pretty much the only shade tree nearby . I ate a breakfast bar , and started drinking the second of three jugs of water we brought . It had started getting pretty warm . First , I thought about emergencies . Even though I had Sammie , if we encountered a pack of Coyotes , I 'd need something more to defend us . I checked the functionality of the knife tucked in my belt , mentally went over RetroMan 's instructions for using the shot gun hidden under one of the mattresses , and then checked my phone to see how many bars I had . None . Ironically , it said ' SOS ' . Well this was no surprise , as I had the same trouble on other trips to Tree Ring . But the week before , my co - worker Dave told me that when he went on vacation to Peru he had the same problem and told me how to fix it . All I had to do was go into Options , and then Networks , and pick a different service provider . He had paid roaming charges , but was able to call his parents from a different Continent in the middle of nowhere . Emergency Calls OnlyOk , so what the Hell does that mean ? And how in the world would I describe where our lot was within 6000 acres of forest ? And what denotes an emergency ? I 'm pretty sure ' woman with crutch and snappy dog run out of water ' wasn 't one of them , nor would ' I think my husband lost his way to the Dealership , or is broken down by the side of the road somewhere . Can you go find him ? ' I 'd be damned if I would be the butt of a country joke , or profiled in the local paper where the news was pretty slow . Trying to calm down , I checked out City Girl 's camera . It was a Canon EOS we gave her last Christmas when she wanted to be a professional photographer . I got to know the camera , and checked out the 400 + pictures CityGirl had taken . Around 2 : 00 I started to get worried . RetroMan wasn 't back yet , and Sammie and I had just about finished the second jug of water . I was starting to get hungry . There were no more breakfast bars . At 3 : 00 , I heard a car in the distance . A truck slowly pulled into our clearing and I didn 't know what to do . I couldn 't see inside the windows because of the tinting , so I didn 't wave or even smile , but I was hoping against hope that my husband was in there , and I wouldn 't have to use my knife . " Hi Hun ! " , he said with a big smile as he got out of the truck . I let out my breath and took my hand off the knife . RetroMan gave 20 bucks to the guy that dropped him off who said he 'd be back around 10 o ' clock tomorrow and then took off . " If it 's gonna happen , it 's gonna happen out there " , Captain RonLast June RetroMan and I decided to go on our Inaugural Camping Trip during what turned out to be the first week of a record - breaking heat wave . We decided to go on this trip without City Girl , so that when she deigned to come with us , we 'd have all the kinks worked out . She was spending the week at a different camp that had adult supervision . We had spent a couple hundred dollars and a few weeks in preparation , but we were ready . We packed up the camper that hadn 't been used in 10 years with just about everything one would need - toilet paper , a new porta potty , a generator for the air conditioner , a box of breakfast bars , matches , etc . We didn 't need much , since we were only going for a few days . We 'd get cash and gas for the generator on the way . About 40 miles outside of Town - DING , DING , DING , DING . We looked at the dash . No warning lights . Well that was weird . We stared at the dash for 5 minutes . Then looked at each other and shrugged . It must have been nothing . DING , DING , DING , DING . We looked at the dash again . Nothing . This went on a few more times . It was just starting to get retarded , and then we saw the NO OIL PRESSURE light . The master of understatement said , " That 's not good " . We took the next exit and stopped at the Flyin J Truck Stop . Thank God for the Flyin J . RetroMan checked the oil AND THERE WASN ' T ANY ! He checked that dip stick twice . He got 5 quarts of oil and unbelievably the truck drank it all . Since we only owned the truck two months , we thought maybe we bought it that way . We decided to keep going , and fortunately there was no more DINGing . We got off the highway at our exit heaving a sigh of relief , and I 'm not kidding , there went the DING , DING , DING , DING . Fortunately we were near the last gas station before the middle of nowhere . Sure enough , there was NO OIL . We got 5 more quarts of oil , and the truck took 4 . In one hour , we had just put 9 quarts of oil in the truck and had 1 to spare . For the next 30 minutes , we waited for the DINGing , but all was quiet on the Western Front . Numerous stops to check the oil showed that the leak had stopped . Since it looked like the worst was over , we decided to head to Tree Ring . As we came to the clearing where we decided to set up camp , there was our friend Ron , mowing with his tractor . As we talked , some clouds started gathering . He said " Don 't worry , it hasn 't rained here in weeks " . Before he finished the word ' weeks ' , we heard thunder in the distance . After Ron left , RetroMan popped up the Camper and then put up the Potty Room . Sure enough it started raining . But we were happy . We made it ! The wind started picking up , and I stood to hold the sides of the pop up from blowing in . " This is going to be the best trip ever ! " I yelled over my shoulder . I couldn 't hold all of the sides at once , so RetroMan had to help , and for 45 minutes it poured . As we held up the sides of the camper , we talked and laughed until the rain stopped . Then we threw the door open to go outside . The rest of the night was uneventful except for City Dog Sammie continually barking at what he thought were animal eyes glowing in the dark at the edge of the clearing . We kept telling him they were fireflies , but he wouldn 't listen . He wasn 't too happy about the Coyote howls off in the distance either . Neither was I , but I hadn 't read anything about Coyotes attacking humans . Besides , RetroMan gave me a knife that I 'd snapped to my belt buckle . Between that and my crutch , I was ready for anything . It had been a few days , so I went to the front porch to get the mail and returned to the living room with an arm full . RetroMan said that it was all mine . Actually he said it was all for someone known by my maiden name . Ya know , like me marrying him was the cause of all that mail . The first one was addressed to RetroMan , and it was a replacement credit card . He opened it , complaining that card companies should print the activation number big enough for old people to see . I told him I don 't know what he 's talking about - the AARP isn 't sending me mail just yet - I checked . I put the mail addressed to ' Our Friends ' in ' Resident ' . I wasn 't sure where to put the piece of mail that had an initial instead of a first name , since RetroMan and City Girl have the same first initial . I put it in RetroMan 's count since it was from the Alzheimer 's Foundation . Apparently , even though the Census Bureau just moved into the White House , the Federal Government doesn 't know our names yet , because the Census forms are addressed to ' Resident ' . That 's good , because the less the government knows about us , the better . The total tally : RetroMan lost interest in the mail and had me check the water restrictions in our city , since he 's having his annual urge to plant new grass just as the worst drought of the year begins . It 's still one day a week . I told him the only thing that will grow in that darn front yard is jasmine . He told me to stick with counting the mail - the only plants I 'm good at are plastic ones . About 10 years ago when City Girl was 6 , we discovered her lost hamster flattened under a pile of toys . After a few tears , City Girl decided it was time for a dog . At that time , Shanna Banana lived down the street . On our nightly walks , sometimes we 'd stop by Shanna 's house and walk with her and Chester , a Sckipperkee she had gotten from Schipperke Rescue . Chester was so cool . He listened to Shanna , was friendly , and of course very cute . He even stopped at every intersection to wait for her . City Girl and I did some research on Schipperkes . Headstrong ? No problem , look at Chester . Some like to run away ? No problem , look at Chester , he always stays by Shanna 's side . They shed once a year ? Perfect . When they say that life has twists and turns , it 's situations like this they are talking about . One decision can change your life forever and put you on a course you never expected . We contacted the Schipperke Rescue lady , and she had the perfect dog for us ! His name was Sammie and he 'd come in a few days ago . He 'd been with a family of children and he was very friendly . Why did they give him up ? Because they just had a baby , and it was too much to take care of the dog . Awwwwwww , we thought , we 're the perfect home for him . The Rescue lady said she 'd be by our town in about a week . She was taking all of her dogs in her Winnebago and going to a Skipnic - a Schipperke picnic where Schipperke owners get together with their dogs . But if we wanted , we could meet her at an exit on the Interstate and do the trade . The next day City Girl and RetroMan met the Schipperke Rescue lady at the Flyin ' J off an exit on I - 75 and got Sammie . As I pulled into the driveway that night , RetroMan came out of the house with the dog hanging out of his hands and said " Call the vet and have them stay open . " The dog had bitten City Girl and there was bloody diarrhea all over the house . As it turned out , we were his 4th family in his 5 short years . It appeared that the family with children had abused him , because any time children went to pet him , he shied away or nipped at them . He also had severe food allergies . He shed like nobody 's business , and he ran away at every opportunity . Fast forward to today , 10 years later . He 's adjusted to us - or rather we 've adjusted to him . He 's been to obedience school , and listens to us when he feels like it most of the time . He doesn 't want to run away any more . We found one brand of dog food he can eat , but we can 't give him anything else - not even bones or treats . Unfortunately every winter he eats the acorns that fall on the ground and has diarrhea , so we have to wash him a lot . He is an excellent watch dog . He looks up and down the street through our wrought iron fence to see if anyone is daring to pass by ' his home ' . If the weather is nice and lot 's of people are out , he 'll bark like a madman until we sometimes have to muzzle him for an hour . His vigilance has saved us from at least two attempted break - ins here in downtown that we know of . You know those sweepstakes that the local car dealer sends to " The Occupant " at your address saying that if your numbers match you 'll win a new car , or at least $ 1 , 000 ? Just come down and get it Saturday afternoon , and while you 're there get a free hot dog . Well , if we get that mailing , we 're there eating free hot dogs for lunch on Saturday afternoon . Now you know why City Girl is so embarrassed by us . When she was littler , we 'd always take her along . He was a " no one else was there , and you had to be there to win " kind of winner . He got his picture taken and everything , and it 's being sent to corporate . If corporate compares his ticket with the winning ticket , well , they 'll wonder just what happened . It 's been a month since we visited Tree Ring . Lots has been happening around here between the weather , illness , business trips and City Girl getting her license . So this weekend it was time to get up there and finish our surveying work for the shelter . Sunny , 65 degrees . Ahhhh . City Girl had a job interview at 4 : 00 , so couldn 't come with us . Ok , I 'm kidding myself . She had more important things to do - like drive all of her friends around in ' her car ' , now that she 's ' free ' . I 'm pretty sure they are resurrection ferns . I did a Yahoo search on reserrection fern to be sure that I had this one right . It is an air plant that likes to live on trees such as live oaks . It looks dead when it 's dry and cold , but comes to life with water and heat . While searching , I came upon an article by Meems at Hoe and Shovel about resurrection ferns . Her blog is full of interesting information about Gardening in Florida and has great photos . We made a few changes and got everything within 1 / 4 inch . We 're figuring that this is good enough , as the real test will be how square the poles are at the top . Knowing how difficult it was to get these square at the ground , I can 't wait to put 8 poles up and make sure they 're square 9 feet in the air . So this is the part of the story where my life repeats itself . I am a very ordinary , laid back person , with an ordinary , laid back life . But God must have a sense of humor , because bizarre things happen to me . I can 't remember if strange things also happened to me before I met RetroMan , or it just started with him . So there we were , a mile from the nearest neighbor , 7 miles from the nearest town and our battery was dead . We talked about this happening a few years before . The battery just up and quit one day . The mechanic said that the newer Vans put such a load on batteries with all their gadgets , that batteries only last 3 years . We thought back , and sure enough , it 's been about 3 years since this happened last . But I had a cell phone with some bars ( important because of other bizarre events I haven 't bloged about yet ) . RetroMan said " get the GEICO card out of the glove box . I 've paid the towing fee for 10 years , now is the time to use it " . That would 've been great had we not just three days before changed the insurance when City Girl started driving and dropped towing to save money . We called our friend Ron , who lives a couple of miles away . No answer . So now , being slightly crippled , I got a little nervous . I 'm picturing Deliverance . Someone could shoot my husband and there I 'd be , helpless in the dry pond . Lost in my idiot thoughts , I heard a truck coming down the driveway . RetroMan was in the back , and waved to me . I hid in some bushes so the driver wouldn 't see me . This would be important if the driver turned violent . Of course , Country Man was very nice and a neighbor ( though 5 miles away ) , and I felt bad having undignified City Thoughts that showed I watch too much television and am distrustful of people . He had the coolest tattoo on his forearm that said ' Cracker ' on it with the top of the ' C ' pointing to our County in a map of Florida . I decided that to ask to take a picture was a bit much , especially seein as how I had just thought he might murder me and RetroMan . City Girl called us just after we left for home to tell us she got the job .

In February 2011 , I had client ask for several quotes on short notice . I worked my tail off for four days straight and finished before the deadline . However , in the process I really wrecked up my right shoulder and was in such pain - I kept thinking it would soon relax and right itself , but it didn 't . Not only was it the ice pick in the back of my shoulder , it was the stiff neck and very sore and inflamed shoulder joint . To be honest , I was a mess . That began the most intense three years of my life . I started seeing Debye for massage for the shoulder pain and found it hard to do anything for quite a while . I hurt so much and had trouble sleeping at night - not one of my of my better periods . I started doing better after I began massages with Debye in May or June - way too long to get help - and then things began to really show up with Mom and dementia . Around July and August was the time when I couldn 't leave her by herself any more . It was a very difficult time because I was recovering from the shoulder and it meant I couldn 't go out any more . By December I was way past overwhelm and far into over my head . I waited to long to find help - I kept thinking " It 's not that bad " but it was . I was brought up with " Don 't ask for help , don 't bother or burden people " . It finally hit me - I had been doing that all my life , especially with RA ! I remember talking to my sister Ellen on the phone around that time ; I mentioned the Don 't ask for help thing and she had three words for me - Ditch it , Girl ! She knew exactly what I was talking about , all three of us had been doing it for decades . So I asked for help from the Alzheimer 's Association and finally had the help I needed . February of 2012 I broke my hip tripping over my Mom - that sent me to the hospital and rehab for 8 weeks with another 4 in outpatient therapy . By that time , my doctor , my family , my friends were really worried about me . The therapists at rehab told me if I went back to what I was doing , I would be back in rehab permanently . I realized I couldn 't keep taking care of mom without some major help . I had arranged caregivers during the day so I could get out for a few hours a week for a break , but it was also time to think seriously of long - term decisions . I went through paperwork to enroll Mom in the Providence Elderplace program - they would take care of all her needs and provide caregivers when she wasn 't at the Center . It was good for her to go to the Center and be with other people - all the staff there is wonderful with all the people . Also , her new doctor , PT , OT and anything else she needed was there . They helped me find a really good adult family home for Mom because she was needing more and more care . In October 2012 we moved her there and it was just the right time . She was still able to socialize , any longer and it would have been harder . More paperwork , then even more to apply for Medicaid - by that time I had gotten her checking account down to $ 2000 and sold everything to pay her monthly bill for Providence . At the same time , we were applying for a loan and vast amounts of paperwork for that . February 2013 Mom was approved for Medicaid but it wasn 't until the beginning of June when the mortgage went through . Then 4 or 5 weeks of kitchen remodel for a wonderful kitchen . So many other things still to do for the house . I have been trying to sell the furniture so we can have our own things around us , but not much luck . I don 't know if I just don 't know how to do it or if something is holding me back . Plus , so much cleaning out ! February of this year I past the 2 year mark of breaking my hip . My rheumatologist said 70 % people who break a bone will break another one within 2 years . I was determined to be in the 30 % and I made it - no falls or broken bones since the hip . So here we are in 2014 and it feels like a brand new start . I have decided to move our furniture upstairs and my parents down to the basement . We need to paint the living room and I want Brad to create a new mantle with crown molding . it has been raining so consistently I haven 't had enough clear days to move furniture and not get it wet . So what does all of this have to do with working smarter ? I had a call from the client I worked with 3 years ago when I spent four days straight on her quotes . I had a week to update them and this time , I paced myself over the week . Yes , it meant I worked a lot on Easter but I wanted to be able to finish on Monday and feel human . By George , I did it ! I took my time , took breaks , went out to do things and didn 't allow myself to get antsy in the that " Got to get it down " mindset . She has a board meeting today where she will present i - no idea if the board will go for it this time or not . They vetoed it three years ago . So here I am , 3 years older and a whole lot smarter and wiser . I have been doing a lot of quotes and very happy to report a lot of them have turned into orders . I am surprised to look up and find my life has changed a lot from Feb 2014 - I 'm not sure how it happened , I know I have changed a lot as well . I am better at asking for help , knowing that when something comes up , I can handle it , especially knowing I have friends and colleagues I can turn to for help . If it hadn 't been for Dave Gagley and all his help with Mom 's stuff , I would have been in a rubber room . So many people are willing and happy to help , now I have ways to help other people when they are dealing with some of what I have been doing . The hardest part is going to see Mom twice a week at the adult family home . She can 't really carry on a conversation in worlds I understand , though it is in a very conversational tone - she understands it but the circuits between her brain and her mouth have too many shorts now . I read to her , take my iPad to play music she likes and of course , she loves the chocolate and cookies I bring every time . I don 't ever want her to think I have abandoned her , so I visit and enjoy what I can with her . She is usually glad to see me , whether she recognizes me as her daughter or just a familiar presence . I have been visiting Mom rather than visiting with her - I just noticed the difference this week . I have had trouble dealing with not understanding what she says and curbing my urge to ask what she means or to repeat it . My close friend Char told me recently she had visited her Mom and didn 't understand a word she said . So she asked her Mom " Does that make sense to you ? " Her Mom 's answer was " No " . I thought I would try it with Mom , though Mom 's answer was " Yes , it makes sense " . Mom is operating under a different form . What is interesting is that although the words are gibberish to me , Mom says it in a very conversational way - she knows what she is saying , I am the one who doesn 't understand . Two things she definitely understands are chocolate and cookies . I bring some with me every time I visit and she is delighted to have them . I have learned not to ask her if she enjoyed the chocolate or cookies after she has eaten them because she doesn 't remember she ate them . I have been nervous about what to say to Mom , but I am finding it a bit easier now because I realize I don 't have to know exactly what she is saying . I have been reading Candy 's new book to Mom recently , first time I have read it as well . I know Judy has told me Mom takes in things she hears and I am noticing that reading this book . Friday she made several comments as I read and at one point talked for a bit - not sure what she said , just asked " Is that so ? ' and Mom agreed . So it wasn 't necessary to know what she said , just to acknowledge and validate it . I can sometimes tell when she thinks something isn 't a good thing , mostly my her tone and sometimes a " shouldn 't or no that 's not good " comes across . Last Tuesday I took my iPad to play some of the songs she likes - except it once again gave me fits . Some days it works well and other days it looks so different and I am not quite sure what to do . I have begun to make a playlist for her so I will have the songs she likes , though I haven 't done too well with Bing Crosby so far . What will play on my desktop isn 't always available on the iPad . Now I have to figure out how to start the playlist . It 's an interesting process and I think I am more comfortable now - there are times when I feel at a loss , but I am doing my best . I haven 't told her about Barrie dying , don 't think it will really register and there isn 't anything she can do about it . I also haven 't said anything about our next door neighbor , he is having difficulty and two of the sons are there right now . We had gone to bed Wednesday night and I heard this thrum and flash of lights - the fire truck was there and I saw a fireman in their kitchen . Shortly after an ambulance came in , so I figured it was bad enough to take him to the hospital . He was back home the next morning bit they may have to have someone there for a while . I 'm sure Mom would be worried if she knew . I will admit I still have days when I don 't want to go visit Mom , so I make sure I have somewhere to go and do something entirely different after the visit . Plus , I don 't want Mom to feel she has been abandoned . When I come and she is very sleepy or having a nap because she had a bad night , I am almost glad we won 't have a visit . I think she is more aware of things than I realize , but I couldn 't say in what way . I think she still knows who I am at times , I am better at not taking it personally because it is part of dementia . Some of what is happening has to do with getting older , some from dementia - I am so grateful to Judy for helping me understand what 's happening with the things I don 't quite understand . At the other end of the bed is a set of shelves above the foot of the bed . There is the picture of the two of them on their both anniversary . On the lower shelf is a picture of Dad . Last week was a crazy time for me . I wrote yesterday about the week before - last week had its own ups and downs - who knows what this week will bring . Monday I check my Soul Card reading and found these 2 cards : " Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance , as this can yield valuable information . It 's not your imagination that Heaven is sending you signs and Divine guidance . Anytime you hear something three or more times , especially within a short amount of time period , it 's information worthy of your attention . " I have been noticing my higher self coming through more - I am not listening to ego quite as much and when she comes out , I thank her and tell her I choose something else . I feel there is something coming , not sure exactly what but it feels like something wonderful . I am rather impatient to find out what it is , the time for it is coming soon . I am amazed at how the cards reflect what is happening in my life . Always a good start to the week . I had my appointment with Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment - she has really helped my shoulder and neck so much . I was having some problem with my neck and she made such a difference , I could feel as if there were knots and she did a great job . It is amazing how she can give a wonderful back and neck rub while adjusting and aligning . I had the rest of the day to myself , so I came home and had some lunch before having a lie down . I find myself yawning and tired when I am finished with the adjustment . I wanted to write a post since I hadn 't for a bit , but the nap turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment . Tuesday turned out to be MY day - the one I missed the week before because of the computer . I slept for as long as I wanted , had a long hot shower - except it now isn 't quite as hot . This has been frustrating because it comes and goes , so I know something isn 't right . Eddie doesn 't seem to notice but I certainly do . There are times when I wondered if I was going nuts . Anyway , I just decided to do or not do whatever I felt like doing - nothing HAD to be done , just whatever came up for me . How lovely the day was for me . Wednesday was Breakfast Club and I talked to John the plumber about the hot water - he was at home Tuesday and if I had called , he would have come . So we arranged for Friday morning . Then I had to leave because I needed to be at Mom 's before 9 : 45 . She had an appointment to have a mammogram , as far as I know , the first one she has had . When we enrolled her in the ElderPlace program , they did a physical . There was a lump and they have been keeping an eye on it the past few months . It had gotten bigger so they decided to do the mammogram . I will admit to feeling very stressed about it , how she would do , how cooperative , etc . Then I decided I was looking at it in the negative , so I asked the Universe to create the solution with all the words , attitudes , actions , etc . and I would just show up and get out of the way . I will admit I was somewhat tense when I went , especially because she wasn 't sure what it was all about . The Tri - Med cabulance came and she ended up going to sleep on the way downtown . I decided to do the cabulance was to be there for Mom all the way as well as be a calming influence for her rather than just meet her at the office . All of the techs were really great , very helpful and friendly , very gentle with Mom . She wasn 't all that pleased about any of it , especially when it came to being the filling in a the sandwich . They had trouble with the side shots - by then she had had enough . So we went to another room so they could do an ultrasound . They told me they didn 't think it was benign , so they wanted her back for a biopsy . The appointment was made for Friday afternoon . Tri - Med came back and she slept most of the way back to her house . I was glad to get back in time for Eddie and me to go to our appointment at Apple . I fixed up my computer for the box in the morning and Eddie was going to put it together for me . He needed to learn to use it and I needed help with mine as well . We ended up changing techs in mid stream so we both learned a lot . We saw Mom yesterday and I saw her on Tuesday but haven 't told her anything , I think she would just be worried . Actually , there isn 't a lot to talk to her about , so I am resorting to things in the past . Some she remembers , much she doesn 't . Keeps asking where her parents are , if they are dead and when I say yes , I tell her they are watching over her and preparing a place . One thing , Didi , the owner , is amazed at how well and easily she has begun to settle in . Didi has adopted her and the other residents really like having her . . She thought there would be a lot of resistance because she had been in her house for so long , what a delight to find Mom is adjusting well . Mom keeps saying they are very nice to her and she likes it there . Apparently we moved her just at the right time . I am still tired and there doesn 't seem to be much let up in having to do things for her . This is a whole new learning experience for me as well as Mom . I sent in the forms and papers to DSHS for Medicaid on Friday and now have to round up some other things I know I will need . Funny , it still hasn 't really sunk in that Mom is not living here any more . We have her bedroom door closed but sometimes when I get up in the night , I expect her to come out and want the bathroom at the same time . I have to tell myself consciously I can make a late or early appointment , or come home later than I planned - I don 't have to fit into caregiver hours or Center hours . Trying to live between 9 and 3 when the rest of the world doesn 't is very confining . I wonder when " I know that I know " it is just Eddie and me ? Our eating habits are different now , we can make things with tomatoes - they really bothered Mom even though she loves them - as well as not having as much meat . We are eating lighter and our food bills are probably lower . Things last longer as well , Mom still has a good appetite and enjoys her food . I think that makes it easier for Didi as well . Didi said yesterday her blood pressure is good and she is doing very well , plus they check her out when she is at the Center . Sometimes Mom tells me things but no one else , so I talked to Didi about it . She wants to know so she can check it out and see what might be going on . Tuesday Mom said she had been getting dizzy , so I told Judy the caregiver and then also the nurse at the Center - no idea what it is . Mom has also been known not to tell anyone when something is hurting or bothering her - that doesn 't help . Must be the stoic Yankee New Englander in her . I must admit , it is so nice to get up when I want to , take a shower when I want to - before I had to either get up before 7 a . m . to have it or wait until after 9 . I can stand and enjoy the hot water for a long time as well , I do enjoy the new bathroom - the best room in the house . I can also play my iTunes radio stations all the time and as loud as I want - Mom tended to find tv too much noise and would go along with the iTunes radio for a while . I remember growing up and there came a time when we were watching tv Mom would ask for a little peace and quiet . I have plenty of time while Eddie 's gone , he isn 't that fond of opera as I am . Puccini is my main man ! We have also been slowly cleaning out some of the stuff that has been sitting in the basement for decades , my Dad couldn 't throw things away and neither could my Mom . The recycle wheely bin gets filled up quite fast these days . I am trying to clean out the office but it is slow going , seems to all come back very quickly . There is so much to go through , I don 't know where to start . All I know is it is one section at a time - now which section is first ? Then I need to decide what to with things that shouldn 't be thrown away . I need to check with my sisters to see what they would like - they have first choice . There 's no doubt about it , I won 't sitting twittaling my thumbs wondering what to do . On the 11th of October I moved my Mom to an adult family home - I could not have accomplished it without Kathy 's help . Mom left for the Center , then Kathy came over around 10 . She ran 3 loads of wash so everything would be clean for Mom as she started out in her new home . Kathy knew what to pack and did a lot of it . Most everything was labeled except a few things and ready to go . I am not sure what I was doing , only that I was busy and time was passing by very quickly . I think I spent time making inventory lists - except my mouse was losing battery power so it took so much longer as it disconnected and then reconnected . By the time we were ready to leave , it was after 1 . We put things in both cars - Kathy was able to put Mom 's white chair in her car . That way Kathy would have her car when she wanted to leave . As we unpacked the cars , I realized it was getting near time to pick up Mom ; Kathy , Didi and the caretaker Judy helped unpack while I went over to pick up Mom . I was concerned about how Mom would take to the move - she had been fine with it when I told her Sunday night when she initiated the conversation . So I decided I would just take it as it came and not anticipate negativity . When I went to the Center , I couldn 't find Mom , she had gone walkabout . Apparently she gets a bit restless about that time of day and they take her for a walk around the facility . So we found each other and we went to the car . We were fine until it seemed a long time to her - she wanted to know where we were going . I told her we were going to the new home we talked about . She did seem to think it was a long way away - from West Seattle to DesMoines is a bit far . I told her Kathy was waiting for her , she had helped fix up her room . On the whole it worked out very well . I will admit to being exhausted by then , so tired I couldn 't see straight . Kathy had to leave to get some sleep because she was working all night . I stayed a bit longer , then said goodbye to Mom - they took her to see John 's cat in his room , so I don 't think she noticed I left . I was feeling a bit faint when I got home - I hadn 't had time for lunch - not a smart move . Eddie took me out to dinner and I felt better after something to eat . I thought I would go right to sleep because I was so tired - not that night . I think I was too tired to sleep plus I was uncomfortable as well . So I didn 't have much sleep that night , getting up at 4 to go with Eddie wasn 't a big deal . I was spending the day at Olympus Spa by myself and just sit and soak , have tea and lunch there . After awhile in the 104 degree pool I was feeling really good , I had trouble keeping from falling asleep . After awhile I went into the lounge room and used the foot massager for awhile on both feet - boy , that was great too . Then I went into the tea room and enjoyed some jasmine tea and lemon rooibos - sat and read - unfortunately I forgot my book in the car . That was okay , they had magazines . The next time I do it , I am going to take a notebook and write . I went back to the pool for a bit longer until it was time for lunch . One thing I noticed that concerned me , my hip scar and that area was sore - maybe too long in hot water . I had a lovely lunch the went back for a little more tea . After a bit I decided to do the foot massager again but they were all being used . I was having trouble staying awake , so I got dressed and went out for some fresh air . That helped and then went back up to the Future of Flight . I was glad to see several people up there , it has been many months since I was last there . Did called to let me know how Mom was doing , then talked to Mom - she asked if she could stay there and I told definitely she could . Then Eddie was ready to go home and I slept off and on all the way home . We had dinner and went to bed early . Now that night I slept very well . I did not expect this drag my ass tired , I figured tired but not this much . Several people have said I have had a very emotional upheaval and shift - I am not sure what all that is . To be honest , I don 't know what I feel nor does it seem to have sunk in yet . I am just going from one day to the next until I feel more rested . I 've had some days or periods when I was feeling a bit rested , then back to tired again . The last few nights I have been sleeping better - last night , not so much . Fortunately there aren 't any things that need my immediate attention and study . Rest is foremost on my agenda right now . After finally making a decision about Mom , I was back in waiting mode again . The group at Providence had to do its business office drill and I wasn 't sure what the outcome would be . I will be frank , the thought of having to do it a third time was not something I wanted to contemplate , much less do again . But I put it God 's hands and asked that everything would done in a way that works . I have been very neutral this week , not that excitement and relief I had the last time . Maybe it is self preservation because it was such a let down with the other house fell apart . Monday after I saw Didi the second time , I emailed the social worker to report on the three houses I had seen and also my visit to Didi . She wrote back " Our agency will complete the screening process and I 'll let you know as soon as I know if everything has cleared . " I wasn 't sure what to make of that . I thought it was settled - Didi had said the papers were ready , they were waiting for me to decide . So I spent the week wondering - I did email the social worker to say I was a bit confused . She wrote back that they are doing their best to take care of it and Mom - the process is slow . Hmmm , sounds par for the course when officialdom is involved . I had thought we could move Mom on Thursday - though I wasn 't holding my breath . Good thing because it wasn 't moving day after all . One thing that kept my mind off the situation was the three days John spent with his crew to cut back the rest of the jungle . By George , we have a right side to our garage now . I had forgotten how wide the north side of the house and garage is - it has been so overgrown no one can go through it . John unearthed more tires and couple of car parts - had no idea they were there . He also gave us the view back , gave the fruit trees a haircut and also the blueberries . He kept his crew working , just as hard as he works himself . There are other things that need doing but this is what made a huge difference . I didn 't want to have everything done because I didn 't want to freak out Mom - I think this is more than enough at the moment . Since Thursday wasn 't moving day , I went and had my massage , oh did that feel good ! I have been clearing out so much negativity and programs - still more to go . What 's cool is that even though it is deep tissue massage , it doesn 't hurt as much as it did in the beginning . I actually fell asleep a couple of weeks ago . Debye is amazed at how different my body is from when we started , she sees it changing and healing as she is working . She also said she admires me for doing the work , most people at 65 have decided their life is done and not interested in doing the work . She says I am very determined to get to the truth - all I know is that I want to " know that I know " who I truly am and love , accept , approve and trust myself . Friday I went to see my regular doc and he was pleased with ow I am doing ; plus he was asking about Mom . I told him what the situation was and he is fine with that . I also had my haircut - not much left of it but so much easier to wash , comb and go . I wonder sometimes if it makes make cheeks look chubbier , yet I have been given many compliments on it . I will keep it and see what happens . I also played telephone tag with the social worker Friday , she just asked me to call , no info otherwise . I figured it could go either way , so I kept the neutral feeling . We finally talked and the house has been approved , now she just wants to know when the moving day is . I need to call Kathy - she is on holiday and I don 't really like disturbing her . I want her to help with the move because Mom likes and trusts her and she also has a lot of experience . I suspect Mom may be very angry at me - if she needs a target , okay , I am it . I am going to ask at Breakfast Club for a driver and pickup so I can take two of her chairs to the new house - she will have familiar things around her . I still don 't have that excited feeling , very little emotion on it - wonder if that will change when the move is made ? I will say , I got a really good night 's sleep Friday night . Last night was okay but some time I was awake in the middle of the night . I am not making any plans for the days after Thursday , I want to be sure it is actually happening and she is settled in . That may take a month or more , in case she needs to come back , things are still the same . I have really missed writing posts the past couple of weeks - the word that came up to describe how I felt about it is constipated . Considering my past experience with the drug study , it seems rather appropriate . Anyway , I am still bone weary and to be honest , my neck and shoulders have been very uncomfortable even though I now use the mouse with my left hand . The last time I wrote was almost 2 weeks ago and I was back making calls . Providence has certain zip codes they serve from the West Seattle site , so I went through all of them - though decided Beacon Hill was just a bit too far . I looked at a place in Seatac , a house run by a woman , her mother plus she has a 13 year old special needs son . she only takes 2 people , the woman there had a stroke but moves around quite well . It has a family feeling and maria has experience with dementia , my only concern was there really wasn 't enough socialization for Mom . Back the the lists . A lot of places are private pay , they can 't afford to pay their caregivers on Medicaid . I can understand that , though I would like to have seen the Star Lake one - bet it was nice . The social worker emailed me before she left on holiday a name and number , so Eddie , Kathy and I went out to see it . It is near where the other one that fell through is and it wasn 't hard to find . Didi is a RN and only takes referrals , she doesn 't advertise . Mom would have her own room - a bit small - and is right across from the bathroom . There is a living room where she can be quiet if she likes or spent time in the tv room with the other residents . There are 5 others there and one man has a cat in his room . Didi says she is very generous in sharing the cat . The other residents are well functioning and eat together as well as games and other activities . it is a quiet street and Mom could go walking when she likes - they would make sure she has someone with her . She would also go to the Center , probably 2 days a week . I must admit , we all had a Yes and No reaction to it - I know no house will have everything perfect . The house in West Seattle is a small house for 6 people - with a urine smell . It feels too small for the number of people and the tv is on the wall of the bedroom . There 's really no place for her to have some quiet time . All residents are from Providence . Kathy feels it is warehousing and not the right place for Mom . The first house in Kent with Gloria is a nice , clean place but she would be sharing a room - there really isn 't a space of her own . The bed is open on both sides and Mom needs to have the bed against the wall for her feeling of security . Gloria and her husband live there , the other residents don 't seem all that alert . They do take the people on outings and there is some interaction . The other one in Kent is on Railroad Ave - right across the street from the tracks . It is not a nice neighborhood , though the house is new and spacious . The room they showed us isn 't certified yet - it is rather dark and she only has a curtain on the door . There is another room with another lady , the shared door means Mom goes through a corner of the other one 's room . It is Saliem and her husband and two young sons - they live upstairs and the residents are downstairs . It too has a family feeling like Gloria , but not much access outside . If you just want to stay inside , it is a good place . Not sure how much interaction because the two guys in the back prefer to be in their room and the other 2 we met said Hello . I had to sit down and write out for myself the pros and cons of each . I crossed off Railroad Ave right away - the trains are loud and it really isn 't for Mom . When I looked at Gloria 's , it had a lot of good points but more drawbacks . I decided to go visit Didi again , that wasMonday . I had a nice talk with her and she had said she felt after observing and talking with Mom at the Center that Mom would fit in . Didi said she only takes people she feels will fit in with the other residents - she has had several people look at the room but they weren 't a fit . I have been having a lot of pain in my left hip all week - I looked it up in " Feeling Buried Alive Never Die " to see what she had to say . The first one on the list is " fear of making a major decision " . So spot on ! ! ! ! It is one thing to make a major decision for myself , it is more difficult for someone else . I had a hard time saying yes , not sure what was holding me back . But I finally told Didi yes , I would bring my Mom to her home . She thanked me for trusting her with Mom . I want to whinge so much today , I am feeling sorry for myself , frustrated and to be honest , tired of fitting my life around my Mom 's ; canceling or postponing what I want to do to accommodate what she needs done . How can one person require so much from so many people ? Yes , I do resent it and am angry at times - still haven 't taken all the emotion out of it yet . I have spent the past few days waiting to hear if things are finally set for Mom to move into the adult family home - yesterday I had a call from the owner of the home , she has decided not to do what is necessary because it is just for one person . So I am back to square one . That means today I will spend on the phone calling homes on the list to see if there is a vacancy and then go visit . I feel discouraged but not as upset as I was last Wednesday when the glitch came up at the last minute . I did ask God , my angels , spirit guides and master teachers to work it out - this or something better . I was willing to start over again - not my preference - and so here I am . That means there is something better out there . The difference is that I have a much better idea of what I am looking for than when I first started looking the last time . So it is " pull up my socks and get on with it " . Before I could do anything , I needed Mom to be out of the house , but the van didn 't come until 10 : 30 . Then I had to call and find out how to cancel her Costco credit card , then fax info over to someone new to see if finally I can accomplish it . Then I needed to shower and dress ; wow , did that shower feel good , especially knowing I was alone and didn 't have Mom standing at the door . Then I decided to have a cup of coffee - also had to water the roses because they are parched from no rain . Then I realized it was after noon , so I fixed lunch and relaxed for a bit . Then it was time to start calling other adult family homes to see what was available . I had talked to Denise in the morning about the situation and she is going to check 6 of the others in Des Moines and I was going to call the ones in the Burien area . Denise suggested giving them her name and number so she can check to be sure they meet the requirements providence has , that way I would only be seeing the ones that would work . Out of the ones I called or checked out , there were 5 that were possibilities , so I told them to contact Denise for whatever information they needed . I emailed her the names and she sent back saying she had 12 to screen . Were they ones I sent her or did she find 6 others as well ? I really don 't know . I have had two call me back to say they have tried to contact Denise but the center is closed today . I appreciated that very much and I will see how it all goes . Tomorrow after my massage , I have lists of the other zip codes they service and I will call them to see what might work . I feel like the little girl digging through the manure pile because she is positive there i s a pony in there somewhere . I know there is a place for Mom and also a gift for me in all this , I just don 't see it at the moment . Most people are very nice when I call and ask about the home , if they take Medicaid and now also Providence . I think it can narrow the field , that can be a good thing . I did talk to one woman I really liked , she doesn 't have a vacancy but one of her ladies was just put on Hospice and may have a vacancy in the possible new future . She suggested calling her in a while to see how things are . It is an uncomfortable and discouraging experience at times , but there is also a feeling of accomplishment after going through the lists and calling . I find myself having trouble getting started , then once I get going , I am okay . It is easier than when I did it the first time , but I would dearly love to have someone tell me they have the perfect place for Mom and it has everything she needs . I 'm not holding my breath for that one . I will soldier on and see what happens tomorrow . I am so worn out and tired from all this , I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping until the situation is resolved . No chance of that without me doing the work and going to see the places . Kathy said she would go with me and that helps so much . She notices things I don 't and I am relying on her knowledge and experience to help me make a good decision for Mom . I must admit , I have been dreading to day because I needed to tell Mom about the new home - I didn 't think she would be too happy about it . Yesterday I talked to Kathy on the phone about how to approach it and she gave me some very good suggestions . I had been wondering what to say and worried about how she would take the news . I realized , at least in my head , that I needed to give it all to God , my spirit guides , angels and master teachers as well as Archangel Michael to help Mom have peace . So I had to really talk to myself about it , to release all the worrying and over analyzing , to just let it all go . I truly had to put it in their hands for them to give me the words , actions , attitude , thoughts , etc . to tell Mom . I had to not only just show up and get out of the way in my head - it had to be in my heart as well . Strangely enough , I was fairly calm , though had trouble going to sleep last night . I kept thinking about Mom , the things I could say , how she might react - second guessing about things that hadn 't even happened . So I decided I needed something else to think about , so I switched to quilting - that actually did it for awhile . When I got up this morning she was very confused , asking if this was her parents house , etc . She ended up go in and out of bed 2 or 3 times - I was feeling anxious because I wanted to " get it over " . But I knew that was only for my benefit , this had to be about Mom and when the best time would be for her . So I waited until she was fully awake , dressed and had had breakfast . Then I sat her down at the dining room table to tell her . I mentioned the house she had stayed for a couple weeks and the lady there , Lucy ; not really but that didn 't matter . I told her I had found another home for her , a real house with a large yard , a place to be outside when it is nice and how pretty it is . I said the lady who owns it met her at the Center and talked to her ; thought she was sweet and made her laugh . She liked Mom so much she has invited Mom to come and live in her home . I mentioned a little dog who loves people that comes to visit and there are some other ladies there . She wanted to know when and I said on Wednesday . I feel as if I had smacked her in the face , she seemed a bit stunned . So far she isn 't angry , though she wonders how she is going to be able to do it all . I told her I would take care of it for her . I called Kathy and told her I had told her and she seemed to take it well . Kathy planned to come over and visit , bring lunch for the two of them . After I hung up , I made phone ring and pretended it was Kathy and told Mom she was coming to visit . Mom was delighted because she really likes Kathy . She stayed for about an hour or more , Aster and I were in the office talking . So far Mom hasn 't said much , maybe she is trying to process it . We 'll see what happens . Mom didn 't say anything about moving to her new home , though Monday morning when I told Helima it would be her last Monday because Mom is going to a new home , Mom seemed confused . So I just reminded her we had talked about it the day before and she just said " Oh " . Then yesterday afternoon and evening she asked if she is going somewhere and when . She seemed okay with it - I still don 't know how much has registered . Kathy is coming to help today and tomorrow - I think having her will reassure Mom . As for me , I am so tired and dragged out , I find everything takes so much energy and effort . I did go to my caregiver support group yesterday afternoon - I think I have a difficult time , but the others have so much more to deal with than I do . I did make an appointment for a massage with Debye on thursday morning , then I need to pick up Eddie in the afternoon . Friday I want to meet Charlotte and accept her generous offer of the weighted baby doll - other than that , I don 't know . At the moment I haven 't planned ahead , just want to sleep . I know things will look different when I am more rested .

Posted on August 19 , 2014 by pir8chickk One , or was it two in the morning ? I can 't tell you . It was really early when the party died down . I pushed the door open and closed , along with locked it behind me . I pulled the elastic out of my hair , letting it fall down . After that I put on some heavy metal music , blaring it . I knew the noise wouldn 't reach anyone outside of my room , so I didn 't bother to lessen the volume . In my right thigh , there is about three hundred or so stitches . They follow the pattern of the teeth marks . When I was little I was playing in the water unsupervised , a . . . . . something came and grabbed me by the leg and pulled me under . I never got a good look at it . But the doctors managed to save my leg , but they couldn 't give anything for the pain because they needed to know I was still able to feel in that part . I studied his face , the parts that weren 't covered by his long bangs where breath - taking , sharp , defined . But I didn 't fail to notice an old scar going up his cheek and under his bangs . Or the light trickle of blood coming from the opposite side . After I applied it , I took a step back . And then looked down . Out of habit my left hand reached up to grab my right upper arm . " Killer . " I whispered , I barely heard my own voice . The way my stomach was feeling , I almost felt like I was going to be sick , but I kinda liked it . His mouth twisted up into a smirk , " I did have a crush on you , Ceerie . " He said pushing my face a little closer to his , I could feel hot breath hitting my face . And I didn 't know if it was him or me , but I was beginning to warm up in my cheeks . " And I still care for you . " He said and closed the gap between us . My eyes were wide at first . He had just confirmed a theory of mine , and now here he was kissing me . Killer straddled me and then our tongues fought together . His hand traveled down from my hair to the hem of my long - sleeved shirt . He got it about half way up when I realized something and placed my hands on his chest pushing him back , telling him to stop . " It has nothing to do with that . " I told him and reached up cupping his cheek and making him look at me . His right eye was green , his left was a milky white colour from several scars that criss - crossed over that side of his face , " I just don 't want your wounds to open up . " He grabbed my wrist lightly and pinned it down on the floor next to my head as he smirked mischievously , " You don 't have to worry about that . " He whispered seductively in my ear sending shivers down my spine , " I 've been hurt worse . " He paused for a short moment and bit my ear lobe , " And I know it turns you on . " Rough kissing continued , mostly with tongue . But I didn 't fail to notice how he picked me up suddenly . I wrapped my legs around his muscular middle as he carried me out and into my room . Nor did I miss the almost evil look he shot me as he roughly threw me on the bed . I landed with a muffled thud and glared lightly at him . He pulled his boots off his feet before getting on the bed and crawling over to me . I put a hand on his shoulder and cupped his cheek , I was about to go in for another kiss when moved swiftly to pull my shirt up over my head . I hadn 't seen it coming so I was in a small daze for a moment , before I quickly covered my mounds . His hot mouth had just reached my left breast and he started to torment it while his other hand massaged my right breast and pinched my nipple . It wasn 't long before he switched and my breath became ragged . His mouth continued south nipping and sucking on various parts of my stomach as he went . He didn 't bat an eyelash nor did he hesitate in picking me up and sitting me in his lap , facing away from him . His rough hands ran up and down my arms sending goose bumps through out my body . Killer kissed the back of my neck , and I held back a moan . His lips trailed down inch by inch kissing along my spine every time . I tried hard to hold back a moan , but it was damn hard . And I knew he knew he had found my sweet spot as I clenched his denim covered thighs in attempt to quiet myself . And for a while it worked , until he ran his tongue from the base of my spine to my neck . I couldn 't hold back any longer I moaned , loudly , I might add . He bit several places along my spine , only causing me to gasp and moan louder . He kissed me again as his hand slipped down and moved my panties out of the way . I moaned as he started tease the outside . He bit one of my breasts as he inserted one finger into me , I first gasped , then moaned as he started to move around inside me . " That 's my name . " He said before he literally tore my panties off and chucked them across the room . He hoisted my legs up over his shoulders , holding on to my thighs . He started to eat me out . I was breathing heavily as he dropped my legs and started to unbutton his jeans . I pushed myself up into a sitting position as he discarded both his jeans and his boxers . And I swallowed thickly . I kissed him softly and worked my way down his body slowly , Scraping my nails along his chiseled abs as I went . I finally arrived at my destination . He was fully erected now , and was pushing about a foot in length . I swallowed again before I lowered my head and kissed the tip , which caused Killer to shutter . I licked from the tip to the base all around him , and lightly sucked on his balls before kissing my way back up to the tip . I used my hands to give friction to where my mouth couldn 't . I attempted to take as much of him in as I could , but soon realized I didn 't like that and sucked on the very tip . I scrapped my teeth against him lightly and he finally moaned . I sucked a little harder and swirled my tongue around him . Soon enough I felt him start to pulse . And hardly a moment later he came . I sucked it all up . He was very bitter , but I kinda liked it . I pulled back and liked my lips . I looked up at him and turned red . I don 't know why , but just the way he looked at me , I felt different that I usually do . Killer pushed me gently onto my back and kissed me . This time the kiss was open mouth and full of tongue . I could taste myself on him , and he could taste him on me . If I wasn 't wet from him at that point , I was now . Killer pulled away leaving only a small string of saliva connecting us . He grabbed my hips roughly and positioned himself properly between my thighs . He teased my entrance with his tip causing me to shutter and moan . " Take me . " I told him , " I want you inside of me as much as you want it . I want you to grab hold and pound into me without mercy ! I want you to fuck me with all your might , and satisfy me in ways only you can . Oh , Killer , I want you to make into a woman . I want you to love me . Take me ! Please ! " " How do you want me to take you ? " He whispered seductively in my ear as his hand started to tease my entrance again , " In the ass ? " moan , " Your pussy ? " moan , " Maybe missionary ? " Moan , " Or maybe girl on top ? " He nodded , holding me close to his chest . I sunk my teeth into his shoulder as he completely thrust into me . I waited for the pain to pass , as did he . I only let go of his shoulder when the pain had subsided , and when I did blood dripped down from the small wound I had inflicted on him . I licked it all away , an nodded for him to move . He pulled out almost all the way and rammed back into me causing me to gasp loudly and dig my nails into his back . He repeated this process , and each time I moaned loudly and dragged my nails down his back in an attempt to hold on . His thrusts were hard and fast , to the point where I could do nothing but hold onto him and take the treatment with wide - spread legs . " W - wh - what ! ? " I asked scared , I tried desperately to move my hips for a little friction . But it was no good . Killer had pinned my hips so I couldn 't move . He started thrusting again , and I moaned . He began to slow . I dug me nails into his back and began to cry out his name . At this he only picked up the pace more and more . My climax was coming much faster than I had thought . I had cried out his name much louder than I had prior when I came . Killer was about to pull out to finish off when I held him in place with my legs . " I 'll say . " I said and moved my head to look at him . I reached up and moved the hair in his face away so I could see his eyes again , " Do you regret making love with me ? " I instantly wanted to smack myself for that . Making love ? It was obviously sex , nothing more , nothing less . And of course he regrets it ! In a way you 're his boss . Boundaries have just been crossed that should never have even been drawn ! Especially in our line of work . " No , I don 't regret taking you because I love you . But yes I do , because what if someone finds out ? " He told me looking away , " Business will suffer , and no one will want to associates with a whore . Not that your one , but if they - " I know what you mean . " I told him and twirled a piece of his hair between my fingers , " But I 've already made a public statement , everyone knows I 'm not going to choose my husband based on a dowry or power . I want love , and I 'm not marrying until I finish what my father started . " " I 'm saying ; I love you , Killer . And after I 've succeeded in what our original plan was , I 'm going to take a husband . And I want it to be you . That way no one can call me a whore . " " Hey , Camilia ! Let 's see if your sword is stronger than Grey 's ice one ! " Natsu suggested loudly as practically threw himself between his adopted sister and Laxus . " Laxus . " She called to him softly . His power instantly stopped and the angry look he had on face softened to a ghost of a smile as he looked at the yellowed eye girl . " I know . " He said , he then reached and cupped her cheek with massive hand and kissed her forehead affectionately , " Now go kick , Grey 's ass . " He told her returning his attention back to his drink in front of him , " I 'm routing for you . " " The elemental sword trumping champion ! " Natsu yelled bursting through the doors . Right behind him was Elfman , on Elfman 's right shoulder , Camilia sat perched and waved slightly . " It 's as it says , Camilia . " Mirajane told her , " Jason has asked if you wanted to star not only in an interview but a photo shoot for sorcerer 's weekly . What do you say ? " The blonde paused from the sip he was about to take from his drink . He could have told her he didn 't want to do it , and that he wanted her to be for his eyes and his alone . But he had a good idea about how she would react . " Natsu and the others are outside having a battle , no magic ! We wanted to know if you wanted to join in ? A - and maybe Laxus too ~ . " He told her and slowly started to cower away . Laxus was more looking forward to seeing Camilia 's smiling face greeting him , then embracing him , and asking him how his mission went , before asking about the details . It was a simple routine , but it was one he had greatly enjoyed , one he had looked forward to . HAD , being the key word . She threw her legs up over her ( And Grey 's ) head , before bending them at the knees and forcing them over the rest of her body . Thus propelling her to her feet , and throwing Grey off . Then throwing him down to the floor , twisting her left wrist and pinning his wrists behind his back . Camilia nodded , " I accepted the interview , but the photo shoot . " She shook her head , " I think I 'll leave that to Mira and Lucy and Evergreen . It 's just not my thing . " I honestly wonder what I 'm gonna do . " Camilia told the rest of the female population , " I love him , but it 's gotten kinda hard to handle . And when I try to talk to him about it , he evades it saying he 's not the jealous type . What do you guys think I should do ? " " How would that work ? " SHe asked , " He doesn 't really hang around any girls except for me and Ever - huh ! Li - chan ! You 're a genius ! " She yelled and embraced her best friend tightly . " What 's wrong ? " He asked her quietly , his eyes begging her for an answer . Laxus could take defeat , he could take being beaten by a girl , he could take a lot of things . But Camilia mad at him , again , after he 'd just gotten her back , that was not one thing he could handle . " Camilia , you know Evergreen and I are just friends . She 's kinda like a little sister to me . " He told her , " Besides , I love you and I 'm not gonna leave you for her . I thought you knew that . " Camillia pulled her arm from Laxus grasp and crossed her arms over her chest , before telling him , " Natsu 's my brother . " She told him , " Grey , Elfman , Nab , Max , Romeo , Freed , Bixslow , Gajeel , Jet . Their all my friends , Laxus . And I love you too , and would never leave you for any of them . " " I know . " She told him , " Being part dragon it 's in your nature to want to protect your mate . But protect me from a cat ! Really ? " " We don 't have it this month . " Macao told him , " No good jobs have come in lately , we 'll pay double next month . I promise . " " I believe that should be my question . " It retorted . The voice was familiar to all of Fairy Tail , yet it somehow wasn 't . And it was impossible to tell if the person was male or female by their voice . His smirk faltered slightly , " Fairy Tail began to fail , we intervened and helped them out . And now they have a debt to repay . And they can 't this month , so we 're gonna take what we can ! " " This really did go down hill . " It said at last , " I was hoping that the rumors weren 't going to be true when I got back . I guess Natsu and the other 's really did disappear then , huh ? " " They were my nakama at one point too , Macao . " It said softly , " I payed the debt because , well , I am a member of Fairy Tail . So why shouldn 't I pitch in to help the guild out ? And as for who I am , well . " " Gomena . " she finally said , " I know what you all must be thinking . But Seven years ago I had to fake my death . My father 's associates and my brothers would have hunted me and everyone down if they knew I was still alive . And I couldn 't let that happen . So I requested a favor from master . I went into hiding , and took a large quest for when after I recovered enough . " " Exactly . " she said , " Look , I know what I put you through was inexcusable , but it had to be done . I would rather see you guys shed tears then see you dead , and have it be my fault . And now that I 'm back , I would like to start making it up to you . " She paused and looked to all of them , " If you will still alow me to be part of the guild , master Macao . " Out of everyone those lost in the island were probably the ones taking her death the hardest . And then they 'd find out that she was in hiding these past seven years . It would be a long ride back to Marigold . She sighed to herself and grabbed her tool belt before climbing up the ladder . She thought it best to keep those ideas out of her mind , and remain content with whatever the end result may be . But she couldn 't dwell on those thoughts for too long , after all , she had a roof she had to fix . The doors to the guild soon burst open . Out of habit Camilia placed her right hand on the shieth of her sword , ready to draw with her left . But that reaction was soon dropped when she saw the familiar faces of her nakama . Camilia returned the ruins mage 's hug instantly . And she was glad . She was glad that everyone was finally home , where they should be . Well , almost everyone one . " Laxus - san came to Tenrou and helped us out . He 's back in Marigold too . But I don 't know if master will end his suspension or not yet . " She said the last bit more to herself than to Camilia , but at the sound of the lightning dragon slyer 's name , Camilia 's heart sank from it 's soaring spot . Two days after everyone had returned from Tenrou and things had begun to fall into the regular pattern of things . It was raining very hard . Most people stayed inside in an attempt to stay dry . This person seemed to be walking without a purpose , or at least that would be what it looked like to someone who saw them . But in fact they were walking with a purpose . And it became apparent when a small house came into sight , and they walked up to the door of said house . " Get your ars in here before you catch a cold ! " He barked . Camilia slipped in and pushed her hood off revealing her pixie cut purple hair and yellow eyes to her old friend , " I get you like the rain , but you 're cold blooded for heaven 's sake ! " " Wait in the living room . " Laxus told her as she stepped into the kitchen . She nodded , even though he couldn 't see her , and did as she was told . It was small . In the center of the room there was a dark maple coffee table on top of a fuzzy black rug . In front of it was the black leather sofa she was sitting on . Opposite to the sofa were two identical leather easy chairs on either side of a small brick fire place . The walls were painted a spring like green , that was several shades lighter than the green muscle shirt she had on . On the wall opposite to that of the door leading to the kitchen , the wall was lined with book shelves . there was only enough room for the two doors on that wall . One was a bathroom , she knew because the door was opened . The other door she assumed to be Laxus ' bedroom . Camilia knew he didn 't like people looking into his room , so he had a habit of closing the door all the time . She smiled remembering so many of these . She had never known Laxus to be nostalgic . There was a picture of him and the thunder god tribe , one of him when he was younger with his grandfather , one of the entire guild , and then se couldn 't help but alow a smile to grace her lips as she saw the last one . It was of her and Laxus , the day after she had gained the title of S rank mage . She had been so proud , and Lisanna was with her all through out her own exam . Laxus was the first one to congradulate her when they returned to Marigold . She was smiling so big at the camera , her hands were folded infront of her , and she noticed the small blush she had over her cheeks . She recalled how shy she used to be . Laxus on the other hand was standing tall next to her , arms crossed , head phones on , and he mostly wore his I 'm - so - board look , but she could easily see the faint smile on his face in the photo . She took a small sip of the hot liquid to both warm and compose herself . When she pulled the mug away from her mouth , she couldn 't help but smile one again . Laxus had remembered how she liked her tea . No milk , no sugar , but two tea spoons of honey . " I 'm sorry . " Was the first thing she let him hear , " What I did and what I said that day , it wasn 't right , and I regret it . And I know that I can 't blame it on my anger at the time , or my need to save everyone . I don 't care if you forgive me or not , but I would like you to know that I 'm sorry for it . And not a day went by since you were expelled that I haven 't thought back to what happened , and I hadn 't wished it different . " He smiled softly , " You acted fast and did what your instincts told you . " He told her , " You put everyone asleep so they wouldn 't partake in it , you freed the girls , and knocked some sence into me . I never should have even thought of trying what I did . " " Why did you ? " Camilia asked without thinking , " It 's been bugging me for a while . I understood your plan and execution , but I never got your motive . " " I was out on a job . " He started , " The guys and I had just finished up and were gonna head home the following morning . I was a bar , I over heard a whole bunch of drunks talking about guilds . Fairy Tail came up . They said it had to be the weakest most pathetic guild in Fior , and they didn 't understand why the king just didn 't close them down . I guess I wanted drunks like that to talk highly about - What the hell are you laughing at ! ? " " Gomena . " She giggled , before she calmed enough to talk normally , " You actually cared enough about what some random strangers in a bar with nothing better to do than rip on everyone and everything 's opinions ? Laxus , I 'm disappointed with you . The Laxus I know would never care about what anyone he didn 't care about said about himself , his nakama , or the guild . " She smirked at him , " And I believe it , but you need to understand those people are everywhere , and they 're made to critique everything , even if it 's good . Fairy Tail is strong , and more importantly it 's home . But I guess I don 't have to tell you that , do I ? " " My father came looking for me . " She said slowly , " I fought him , and sent everyone else in the guild away after Natsu burned my mark off . I managed to kill him . Then Grey froze me , because Levy had a way to reverse what had happened . I figured why not . It ended up working , but I knew if I stayed at the guild then his associates and my brothers would have come looking for me and the guild . So I faked my own death . went up to mountains for a while , layed low and trained . After about three years I went out on the quest master had given me before I left . Got a lot of money from it . But I also found out I was still being hunted . They didn 't all believe I was dead . Took a full year to complete the quest . And after that I went back into hiding for another three years . Because they never found any other evidence of me being alive , they assumed that I died along with Kimoto , and my nakama buried me . But I still need to be cautious . " Camilia smiled , " Yes . Lot 's of people . " She told him , " The lady who took me in while I was in hiding was really nice , she made lots of sweets , and always cared for my injuries when I had them . But I didn 't like her daughter . She was really rude . " " I got one more question for you . " He told her , Camilia looked up and met his gaze finally . Laxus got up and walked past her to go into one of the doors , before coming back out , and closing the door behind him . When he sat back down he held a flower in his hand , " You know all about the language of flowers . So you obviously know what this one means . I unfortunately don 't , and I wanted to know ; why did you give it to me ? " " No , I knew what it means . " She told him , " I find it funny though . I promised myself I would never give this flower to anyone . But then I met you . " " I love you , Laxus . " She said staring into his eyes , " I loved you since I first saw you all those years ago . It was actually you who made me so quiet and shy when I first came to Fairy Tail . I was so scared that I was going to say something stupid and look like an idiot . I love you , Laxus . " Camilia held the flower out to the blond and he took it , " I don 't care if you don 't return my feelings . I told you how I feel . I have no regrets . " " When I first saw you , I thought you were just another baka , like Natsu . But then when I looked into your eyes for the first time , I saw my life , like the future , and it was with you . And I still see it , but much further down the line . " He paused and ran his thumb over her delicate skin , " I love you too , Camilia . " Neither needed anymore than what was said , they slowly leaned in , laxus moving down a little , and Camilia pushing herself up , untill they eventually meeting the middle . And whether it was magic , electricity , chemistry , or their true love , they don 't know . All they knew was that , that moment , their first kiss , it all felt right . After a few minutes they pulled away , Laxus ' smirk was so wide he was sure that his face might crack . Camilia was red and breathing slightly heavily . After a moment of catching their breaths , Camilia smiled and said : Posted on August 16 , 2014 by pir8chickk It was normal day in the guild for all . Natsu and Grey were fighting , Erza was eating her cake , Lucy and Levy were talking , Elfman was lecturing most of the male population of the guild about being a man , and Mirajane was behind the bar cleaning some mugs . For most it was an everyday normal thing , but there was one witch that wasn 't as usual as she was . Camilia Grean sat at one of the tables on the far side of the guild away from the stage . The deep purple haired girl had woken up that morning with a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach . She couldn 't quite put her finger on what might be wrong , as everything was normal , but she knew it was bad . " Camilia . " The said girl tore her amber eyes away from the drink in front of her to the white haired maiden that had just called her . " This just came for you . " She said and handed Camilia a letter . Everyone was in the guild watching the beauty pageant happen . Most of the girls from Fairy Tail had entered in hopes of winning the prize money . But as Lucy came up for her turn , Evergreen had turned her into stone , and the curtain came back to reveal that all the other competitors had been turned aswell . Laxus and the rest of the Thunder God Tribe showed up . Laxus said that today was when they found ou who the strongest in Fairy Tail is . And after a few more words , he and his gang were gone . It was just as everyone was about to run out and find one of the traitors that pale pink flower petals started to fall out of no where . Everyone in the building soon became very sleepy , and fell down . The only one who stayed standing was the one who had cast the spell . Camilia picked up her sword from a near by table where it had been leaning , and put it in her belt as she walked towards the exit . Her yellow eyes bore daggers into everything they landed on , anyone who didn 't know her would say that she had the intent to kill behind them . ~ ~ ~ ~ It was almost an hour later when everyone in the guild started to wake up , they saw on the ruin board that only two remained , and they all rushed off to the cathedral where they last remaining where . When they got there , they saw two forms in the wreckage . The smaller of the two was standing up over top of the larger one , it kicked the larger one in the side sending the form from its stomach to its back , and then pressed their heel into their chest . " What the hell makes you think you have the right to do this ? " Camilia snarled , " Why did you do this ? " The last part she spoke , her voice started to break . Laxus smirked up at her grimly , " I felt like it . " He told her . Camilia 's hands clamped into tight fists at her sides , but before she could do anything she was pulled back by Natsu , Grey , Erza , and Elfman . She pushed all of them off and started walking in the opposite direction of Laxus , but she paused to say something . " I will never forgive you for this . " She choked , Everyone who had been in the guild for a while knew that Camilia was the only one who could calm Laxus down or get him to bend to her will . ut Camilia never pushed any boundaries . o someone outside the guild it would look to them as if they were together . ut to everyone in the guild they knew that neither of them would ever admit any kind of feelings that they had . " You have become a little smarter . " He told the yellow eyed girl before him , " But you 're still so stupid . " He paused and looked back at the rest of the guild and licked his lips , " I was going to kill them regardless ! " " Over my dead body ! " She cried and went back at him , making multiple attempts , but the result was still the same . He stopped everyone of her attacks with one hand . " You still have no respect ! " He snarled and sent her flying back to the far wall , harshly . " Like I could ever respect you . " Camilia spat as she hauled herself up from under the pile of rubble . He began to chuckle again . He instantly stopped and stared at her , then smiled grimly , " Is it a crime for a father to visit his daughter ? You never came to see me . " " You 're not my father . " She snarled . " After all I did for you ! This is the thanks I get for it all ? ! " He said in fake hurt . " With all you did too , and made me do , you shouldn 't be surprised . " She told him . " I gave you a time limit , Chamelona . " He smirked at her , " This is your warning . You have three more days , and then I come for you , and all you hold dear . " " Like I got hit with a thousand bricks after I ran three marathons . " She replied with a weak smile . " Why did he call you Chamelona ? " Master asked the bed ridden girl gaining everyone 's attention . Camilia looked away , obviously uncomfortable by the question . " That 's my name . " She almost whispered , " At least , that was the one he gave me when I was born . " Camilia pulled the covers from her torso and forced herself to sit up , brushing Natsu off as he tried to make lay back down . " I have about two hundred brothers . " She started , " About a hundred and eighty are older than I . My father - Komoto , he did experiments with all of his children . Infusing them with lizards , and lizard demons . I was the only girl who survived , and I was infused with the lizard demon Apagathisum . " There eyes widened . Everyone had heard of her , she was the demon of many fables in children lor . " He always named his children after the type of lizard he put in them . Mine was a chameleon , so I was named Chamelona . Not really creative . " " And what did he mean by a time limit ? " Grey asked . She looked down and gripped the material of the blanket on her lap tighter . " I actually thought I managed to escape him back then . " She told them , it was obviuse to them all she was holding back tears , " But it was all his plan . He wanted to see just how powerful I could get on my own in twelve years . I can 't believe I was so stupid to believe I actually out smarted him ! " She was giving a weak pathetic laugh at her words , before sniffing and bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging them there , as well as burying her face in her knees , " No one has ever , ever out smarted him , ever ! " With the exception of the soft sobbing coming from the purplette , the room was quiet . She shook her head , " He 's too strong . " She told him , " Not even a hundred Gildarts , backed by fifty masters , in their prime , would be able to take him down . " " But you forget , Camilia . " Master said gaining her attention , " The power family , is far stronger than any other force on this earth . " She looked down and nodded . Camilia always had faith in the guild . She always loved it , and it 's members . But just speaking about such a thing as this , made her feel dirty . She had only ever revealed what her father had done to her to two people . And both of the people who were in her life where now gone , and they weren 't coming back . Ever . " What you about me ? " She asked , " How am I supposed to feel staying in here while all of you go out and fight my battles ? He 's after me ! And if I 'm not there to protect you . . . " " I can 't do that . " He told her , " This is for your own good . " " Listen to me . " She begged , " I am the only one who has even the slightest chance in hell of defeating him . Non of you stand a chance , even if you stand together . " " But a good family will not their family go through something like this alone . " Makarov said turning his back , " If we can 't defeat him , we have business calling you our family . " " Master , please listen to me . " She begged , " I know a way to defeat him , but I need to be out on the battle field with you guys . " " Enough . " He told the young girl , who was now on her knees , " You will not partake , you will remain here until we come back . " " What if you don 't come back ? " she yelled to the retreating forms of her guild , " Master ! " As the doors flew shut , the yellow eyed girl willed herself not to cry . She had to figure out a way out these ruins to save her family . Thankfully , she had known Freed for a long time thanks to a certain blonde a * * hole . She unfortunately didn 't have a magic pen to rewrite the ruins , but she had the next best thing . she stood upright and grabbed her sword . With one swift motion she cut the floor , and ruins aswell allowing her freedom . She didn 't have long to congratulate herself . She took off towards the rondevo point . When she had arrived she saw Komoto throwing the last of the guild to the side . It happened to be Evergreen . She was tossed in the same direction as Camilia was standing . She managed to catch the woman , and rest her down on the ground gently . " I 'm the one you want . " She said moving forward reaching a hand into one of the pockets of her cargo shorts , " You leave them alone . " He started to chuckle , " and you now have the guts to tell me off ? My , my , my , cocky little one now aren 't we . " " Camilia . " Makarov called to her . " I hate to saw it master , but if you had listened to me before running out , we 'd have avoided all this injury . " she told him , She reached down and grabbed a random stick from the ground an " Your birth mark . " Natsu thought out loud as he had finished the given fire . " This is a seal . " She told her adopted brother as she helped him up , " It 's what stops Apagathisum from taking control of me . There 's only one way to remove it , and that 's by burning it off . " That same dark chuckling started again , " So , you would rather die by the hands of that lizard demon taking control of you , then you would coming back with me ? My , you show gratitude quite well . " " If you take Fairy tail from me , I will have nothing . " She told him , then turned her attention back to Natsu , " Burn it off . " She told him , " I 'll create a barrier and then you and anyone else who can stand take everyone to safety and take care of them . " " What about you ? " He asked . " Yes , what about you , Chameleona ? " Komoto asked , " You 'll die when that seal gets released , and you 'll be on your own . " " I won 't die . " She told him smiling softly , " They would never forgive me if I died at the hands of someone like you . " She turned back to Natsu who had his lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes were down . " I 'm ready Natsu . " She whispered to him , " I have to do this , and it has to be alone . " " I know . " He said swiftly , " It just hurts , " He paused as a single tear ran down his cheek , " That we 're going to have to say good - bye . " " Don 't think of it as good bye . " she told him and slowly wiped away the water from his eyes , " Think of it as finally closing a bad chapter , and opening a good one . " He didn 't reply as he took Camilia in his arms for a tight embrace . " I 'll miss you . " She told him . There was no hint of sadness or sorrow in her words . Natsu knew that she had accepted her fate , and he had to do the same . " I 'm gonna miss you too . " He said and slid her t - shirt up so he had access to the tattoo , " I believe in you . " he whispered as he set her back a flame . " Arigoto . " She whispered back as she pried herself from him and jumped back creating a large wall of indestructibl ~ ~ ~ Her breath was ragged as she layed sprawled out on her back . He sun was beginning to go low in the sky . She pulled herself to the roots of a willow tree near her . She wanted to rest against the trunk as she died , but soon gave up on that thought as her arms gave out on her . She was surprised she had made it that long in her released form . It had been hours , and he was finally dead , meaning she could die in peace . Camilia knew it wouldn 't be too long after this . Her arms were covered in small scales , her finger nails had turned to claw like talons , and she became colder than she normally was . " I only have one regret . " She said to the wind , " I never got to tell him myself how I felt , and I never will . " A single tear escaped her as she layed her head down on her arm , prepared for death . She kept getting colder , so cold she felt like she was freezing . Freezing ! She glanced behind her , and sure enough , ice was forming at her feet moving it 's way up he legs . " Mena . " She whispered and bit back the tears . She raised her right hand out in front of her . She gave the sign . To always be thinking of them , no matter how far away , or where they are . - " What do you think ? " Levy asked after Camilia was party thawed , " It 's a long shot , but it 's worth a try . " Camilia nodded , " Do what ever you need to . " she told her , " I realized I 'm not quite ready to die yet . " " It 's gonna hurt a lot . " She warned . " Compared to what he put me through . It can 't be that bad . " She nodded and Grey removed the rest of the ice , she performed the spell and they left . At first Camilia didn 't feel anything , then she felt as though I was being burned alive , and pulled apart , and stabbed in so many places . And eventually started to cry out in pain . ~ ~ ~ " You think it 's gonna work ? " Natsu asked the blue haired girl after she finished explaining , Camilia had begun to scream from the back room . " It 's a long shot , but I figured it was worth a try . " She told him . He nodded and looked back at the door . He was worried abo - - A few days had passed before Camilia 's funeral came . The guild planned to have the funeral in the church yard and bury her there . But Natsu wouldn 't alow it . " Natsu we need to but her to rest . " Mirajane told him . " I know that . " He said calmly , " But in the middle of the city , under cement ? I 'm not gonna put her there . " " Then where ? " Erza sniffled . Camilia was like a younger sister to her , and she was taking it very hard . She was wearing a long black skirt , a black tank top , and a black arm band to symbolize mourning . " Her garden . " Natsu whispered , " Under her willow tree . Her entire life spent here in Fairy Tail she devoted to that garden . We should make her finale resting place there , then she 'll be able to become one with what she loved the most . " Everyone looked down knowing his words were right . No one had gone near Camilia 's house since she died . But her house was paid off , and they knew that should take care of all th plants that are in her place for her . It was all they had left of her . So it was set . When the day came the sun was shinning bright in the sky , hardly any clouds around , and it was warm . It was summer weather . Natsu had just finished carving the engagement into the bark of the willow tree . He knew if Camilia was here she would scold him for doing such a thing and then fix the bark . But he also knew that if he had put a cement tomb stone there she 'd have complained that it was going to kill some of the grass . Elfman was the one who dug out the grave , it had just enough room for the coffin , and it wouldn 't disturb any of the flowers she had previously planted . Then both men left the open grave and went out to the church . They met up with Grey , freed , Bickslow , and Gajeel . Each man grabbed a section of the pole on either side of the coffin . They hoisted it and then walked through the streets towards Camila 's house where the rest of the guild members were waiting , and crying . " Kinda funny . " Gajeel finally spoke breaking the silence between the men , " The sun 's blafairy tail fairy tail one shots fairy tail laxus dreyar shot two Hi . . . . . . Posted on August 16 , 2014 by pir8chickk Okay , I wanna start off by saying I 'm really sorry for not posting for literally ever . But it turned out my computer was a piece of shit , and started shutting down on itself , meaning that I lost use of a few websites that I use , WordPress was one of them . And that 's why I wasn 't posting anything like I promised . But I just got a new computer and will be updating when I can . And I must add that I 'm really , really , really , REALLY happy I finally got this . I was kinda going into my " Dark Place " as I call it . Writing is my out , really . and the fact that , that was taken away from me I was exceedingly sad . Thank you for those of you who have stuck with me during my intermission , you have no idea how much it means to me , and I just wanted to make this to let you guys know I 'm back and why I haven 't been posting . I also wanted to get used to this computer a little more .

Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto We 'd meant to drink tea together in the morning , but my friend was pressed for time . He dressed and left , and I took my time getting ready . My train was in the afternoon , so I had plenty of time to do absolutely nothing . There was a pleasant wind up , and it was a nice day . My laptop decided to work , since it now had no reason to , and I sat on a bed watching films . I realised that I hadn 't been myself for the last few days . In order to do something , I 'd forced myself into a rigorous routine that also wouldn 't let me do the things I like . However , on that note , we should remember that sometimes a sacrifice like that is worth it for the people who make it , when they know what they want . The MUN was certainly worth it . My friend came back and did laundry , pausing briefly to watch Superbad with me for a few minutes . My ride to the station was already booked , and we walked out for lunch together . The first place we went to was closed but then he took me to a modest eatery where we had South Indian food , and then to one of those ice cream parlours where they make ice cream with natural ingredients . They let you taste flavours before you buy , and it was delicious . It actually melted into water as we walked back . It wasn 't for long , but this brief stay was good - relaxing , enjoyable , and no pressure involved . I said goodbye as the car started later that day for the station . It didn 't take as long as the previous night to get there ; the driver got my suitcase out of the trunk , and I said , ' Thank you , bhaiya , ' congratulating myself for my Hindi skills . The train was already there when I got to the platform , but boarding didn 't begin for a while . I had the upper bunk again , and the journey was what you 'd expect . When we were pulling into Howrah Station the next day , I couldn 't stop telling one of my co - passengers how the wait was killing me . The train had stopped just outside the station , as is due process , I think , and being this close but far away was unbearable . Baba was waiting for me . I hugged him and we went to the car - our car - and drove back home . Baba , as always , couldn 't stop telling me which landmark was which and what road lead where , but this time , I didn 't object . Oh , and he 'd brought a Monginis burger . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto I let the man put my suitcase on his scooter , and then I got on . I 'm the kind of person who always wears a seatbelt in the car . There , I didn 't have so much as a helmet , and I 'd never even been on a scooter before . I 'd probably never been on a two - wheeler before . He drove us through a gap in the wall onto a humble street , full of streetside stalls on two sides that seemed to be selling cloth . I recalled seeing a street like that when we 'd crossed the river on the day I arrived , on our way to the hotel . My rescuer and I started talking , but I don 't remember in what language . I told him where I was from and what I came to do , and he must 've misunderstood , because he took me to one of the Symbiosis campuses . I explained where I wanted to go , and he turned ' round and drove on . You can see the Marriott rising into the night sky from far away in Pune . He took me to the crossroad where the hotel stood on the other side . I thanked him , and walked away . I was close to where the socials were to be - a place called ' Tales and Spirits ' . I turned down a quiet lane and came to it after some walking . It was a comfortable - looking place , and I 'd walked right in . I was greeted by a few ( more or less ) familiar faces at the table nearest the door , when a waitress ( ? ) gently asked me outside and stamped my wrist , after verifying my name from a register . Seated at the table , a bearded man who 'd been in the International Press asked me why I still looked so formal . Of course I hadn 't changed since the MUN had ended . Sooner or later , we got around to the food , which was unlimited for those registered , like us . I 'm not being paid to say this , but it was superb . Let me just check their menu online to titillate you fine folks . There were jalapeno and mozzarella cigars , pizza , penne pasta , cakes that I can 't name and wish I could describe , and more . If it weren 't so expensive I 'd think about going there again sometime . The toilets / bathrooms / lavatories / washrooms were behind a sort of hidden door , which blended with the wainscoting ( if you can call it that ) . Behind it , in the short corridor outside the two rooms , I found Pusheen and a couple of her friends . I exchanged a few words , and then , resting my arm on a wall and with swagger , I asked , ' So , whatchoo doing later tonight ? ' As I 've said , I 'm often under several layers of irony . I hope I was then . Sometimes , though , it 's easy to lie to yourself , not to mention to other people . I want to believe I was joking , but was I being completely ironic ? Not many people came to the socials . My friends from earlier didn 't . One of my roommates was at my table , though , I think . As a matter of fact , I think I met him later , in Kolkata , but I can 't be sure . The owner of the restaurant was also a Bengali , and I managed to slip in a word , ' Bhalo ' ( Good ) , to his smiling face as he was passing . Goodbyes were said in due course , and we stepped out , ready to leave . Then Messy and Co . showed up in an auto . Dressed casually , Messy explained that they 'd taken it easy at the hotel ; it was 11 o ' clock then . Too bad for them , the party was over . The Secretary - General , ever the perfect gentleman , easily took charge when I helplessly gave him my phone - he told the cab driver where to go , and with his help , I was soon on my way . I let my friend know I was coming , and sat back in the car , watching nighttime Pune going by . It 's more or less how you expect a metropolitan Indian city to look like at night . I was certainly charmed . The drive took much longer than we thought , and even with my map , I had to ask my friend for help for the last leg of the journey . I tried to get him to talk to the driver like a helpless fool again , but he told me where to go , and I managed . He was there to pick me up . What else can I say ? It felt like home . He 'd cooked something for me , but I said I 'd eaten . He gave me a place to sleep and a shower to bathe in . All I could do ( and this was more a help to me than to him , I think ) was give him the leftover butter and pickles from my train ride . We stayed up chatting till four in the morning about remotely controlled vehicles and Assassin 's Creed - at one point , I couldn 't help pointing out how geeky it was . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto I woke up early again the next day . If I recall correctly , I rolled over and did a few pushups before getting up to brush . We were going to have to leave that day and my things were all over the place . The morning was spent packing with difficulty , with four or five people in the room . Sometimes you wish people weren 't looking when you 're packing your bag . Without much time to pack , the one suitcase I had was barely closed , and I couldn 't even shave properly . What really annoyed me was that the others didn 't seem very concerned . One of them was in my committee , and he sauntered in an hour after the session started . Before I left , someone reminded me to pay my share for the water bottles and coffee . I hadn 't ordered coffee , but I was late ( by my standards , anyway ) , and they knew it . I put down a fifty , saying it should cover my share of the expenses . Guess what the receptionist told me downstairs ? The net cost of everything ordered in my room was thirty rupees . An elderly attendant in the lobby , as I believe he may be called , stepped onto the road with me to help hail a taxi . This might have been unnecessary , but I accepted the help . ' Don 't forget to tip him , ' I chanted in my mind as the minutes leaked out of my watch . Then a taxi pulled up , and he helped me put my bag in , and we were on our way . I only remembered a second before we left , and gave the man a ten - rupee note ; he seemed pleased . At SSE , I had trouble getting to the room . The whole campus , like the city , is weirdly mountainous - one might even say ' non - Euclidean ' . The road simply inclined up or down as in hill stations , but the buildings , rather than being on fixed elevations , incorporated these curves ; the garage in one building sloped downwards ; the canteen , as I said , divided the floor into two levels ; two buildings might have several stairs and slopes in between . I was walking up one such incline with a bulge in my bag when I ran into one of the organisers . Turns out he was Bengali , too . He offered to keep my bag till the session ended , and , thanking him , I got my shaving things out of the front chain and put them in my suit pockets . I told a logistics member on my way up to let someone know I was coming , or maybe I 'd only asked if committee had started . I stopped at the floor below and shaved in the men 's room , getting a bit of my suit wet . I entered committee as I was putting on my tie . Things went on till lunch , after which we were taken to a different room - a large classroom , where the resolution would be drafted . Australia , who was just fourteen years old , was in our block , and so was Spain , who never said anything and wore a woollen cap . Our problem was that we couldn 't type fast enough - it was Australia 's Mac , and he wasn 't a fast typist , and when I tried , the keyboard shortcuts I was used to on Windows wouldn 't work . Despite our efforts , we weren 't going to get anything done . Later , when I was yelling at the typist in the other camp to incorporate our point in their draft , he did , but when I asked for credit ( as a sponsor or signatory , I forget which ) , Pusheen told me everyone had put in helpful points , so I wouldn 't get credit . Then , out of the blue , the Secretary - General asked for me , and I had to leave the chaos when I had to be there the most . Why ? My parents were worried because I hadn 't called all day . Sometimes you 're too busy to be angry . Anyway , committee was over and we wrote a few lines in each other 's placards . We stepped onto the grassy area where we 'd had lunch , where the prize distribution ceremony had already started . In the darkening purple evening , with lights throwing the sky into a contrast that inspired silent awe , we crowded around on the grass . There was a hill behind us that Japan had been meaning to help me climb for the view , but we never got around to it . A couple of us made the Nazi salute when the Barbarossa delegates won prizes ; my roommate was among them . Pusheen and Palestine ( who was an Observer State ) won awards for their respective committees . For the first and last time , I won something at a MUN - Special Mention ! The Chair praised my extraordinary diplomacy and asked me to do better research next time . When that was over , some of us stood around to chat . Many weren 't coming for the socials . When we were parting , I realised - and said out loud - that these people I 'd known for a few hours - I would never see them again . There they were , in the white light against the evening . Bags were taken out and I found mine . Would I leave for the socials now ? Messy , who was one of the chairs in the FIFA committee , was leaving . His co - chair , Z , was there , and so were a few others , including Palestine . Wait , would I leave now ? See you at the socials ? Oh , wait , we 're going together ? What ? Not only was this a little confusing , my memory is too bad to recall what confusion there was . I ended up in a taxi with Z on my right and one of Messy and Z 's friends and roommates on my left , navigating to a hotel . If I 'm not wrong , he was the one who tried to help me with the cuffs that morning . At one point he asked where the hotel was , and we told him he was the one with the phone . We were talking about something relevant , I 'm sure , when I asked Z ( this has stuck in my memory since ) ' What 's it like being a woman ? ' I believe she said that it was good but different . We paid the fare and wheeled our bags into the hotel , where we 'd wait for the socials . But I didn 't want a hotel room . We sat in the lobby , and I was given the glass of water I needed . The others were here ; Z and Palestine got a room ; I learned that the navigator from the auto was Bengali ( I hate how they kept saying ' Bong ' ) ; I sent Palestine a text when she was sitting in front of me but she didn 't react . Then , I took my leave , and stepped out . There was plenty of time to walk around Pune and I wanted to make the most of this night . Following the map on my phone , I took turns till I was walking down a wide , busy street , pulling my wheeled suitcase after me and occasionally lifting it around parked bikes and cars . There were several large stores , including a two - storey Starbucks , as I recall . Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found that my way went through Fergusson College , which one of my teachers had asked me to try to visit . I crossed the road and entered through the gates , and in all the time I was in there , no one stopped a young man in a suit with a suitcase walking around at night . There seemed to be some kind of garden on the right - I hesitate to write ' medicinal garden ' - and I walked past another gate , and saw the college building . There were white lights on and around the building , but it was nonetheless difficult to appreciate the architecture in the dark . I realised that I was like Jude when he first went to Christminster . I walked on , taking the paved road through a turnstile of sorts , where a booth stood ; I was not stopped or even looked at . A man was walking abreast of me , and for quite some time I wondered if I should tell him that I 'm new here , so he could say a few things about the campus , but I decided against it . The campus , for lack of a better word , grew wild , with large expanses of grass broken by short buildings at slight distances . I had to retrace my steps once because the GPS didn 't seem to have followed me properly . Growing a little wary , I walked on through the dark , phone in hand and a laptop in my suitcase , which was rattling over an uneven path now . After some time , I was quite confused . I 'd been walking for a fairly long time and I was still inside the campus . I looked around the moor , as it could be called then . I was new here , and I didn 't speak Hindi very well ( or anything else ) . There were a few fires at odd places , with people huddled around them , and what they were doing was , to me , inscrutable . I was wondering how to proceed when I saw a headlight approaching . I must have hailed them and asked for help in Hindi - it was a scooter with a young man driving and a woman of about his age riding pillion . He pointed me in the right direction , and drove off . I was walking away when he came back , this time without the lady , and offered to drop me off . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto No points for guessing when I woke up the next day : ten minutes to five . I think it must have been dark still . I got busy getting ready , because the opening ceremony was at ten and I wanted to study . The next thing I remember , it was nearly time to leave , and I went over to Messy 's room to ask how to get my cuff - links on ; he was in the shower ( ? ? ) but one of his roommates helped ( turns out you need cuffs for that ) . We knocked on the girls ' door , and one of them said her friend was in the shower ( no one mentioned last night ) . I felt a tinge of annoyance at their being late , but I would later realise that female delegates were probably under a lot of pressure to adhere to certain standards . Male delegates can show up with stubble , but many female delegates seemed to be compelled to be punctilious in their appearance . Breakfast would be served at the MUN , so all we had to do was head over there in a taxi ( which , as goes without saying , would be the type of vehicle called the ' auto ' in Kolkata ) . My roommate was dressed in a shirt and a bowtie , and I was in the large - ish suit we 'd had made in Kolkata . Pusheen and Palestine wore dresses . ' Say something , ' I told myself , and said something like , ' I like your dress ' . At the MUN , we registered and got leather folders and IDs . Everyone split up to talk to people in their committees , and Messy ( who stood apart ) said we should , too . By ' we ' I mean this girl I ran into who was in my committee - Mauritius . I told her later last year that I was Mauritius at JUMUN 2016 . We were asked inside a little afterwards for the ceremony . It was nice . The woman ( or girl ? ) next to me was Belgium in my committee - I told her about the theory that Jon was part - Targaryen . She was a student there , too . I 'll stop now . Someone led us to the GA - it was a small room three or four floors up in one of the buildings . The GA was quite small - must have been less than 20 . I think the quorum was set at 8 on one of those days . Pusheen was there , too . I started my GSL speech by quoting Tennyson 's Ulysses . They 'd arranged for Italian food for meals . There was penne pasta and mousse for dessert , among other things . Belgium , Japan , and I tried to team up . Japan was a student there , too , and an anime fan . He told me to watch Shigatsu a month before other people started talking about it . The day was long , and the committee was a little different from most MUNs , I think , because it was only for two days . I was drowsing when a crisis came up about a French tourist ship in Cuban waters . Cuba dug himself into a hole arguing against me , even though I had no experience . I remember his stubble , curling into a spiral on his cheek , which must have made close shaving ( like I prefer ) extremely difficult . I argued with Costa Rica during lunch , I think , trying to explain free market economics to him ( or was that on Sunday ? ) . Good times . I 'd decided to walk home - I mean to the hotel . Japan and I walked together for some time , talking about collaborating . I kept walking as evening came . Then I met Ali , walking from the other direction with a friend . He was one of the organisers , and he 'd been at the orientation . Very fun and upbeat personality . There was a problem at the hotel , though . Some error in the booking process meant everyone had to leave their rooms a day early : the extra money for that one day could be given as the fee for the socials . Good thing I had a friend in Pune . On my way back I walked around in the giant Pantaloons mall , wondering if I should get new … ahem . I took the stairs at the hotel and a couple of women told me the light wasn 't working ; I apologised and said I didn 't work there , but offered a light from my phone ( they refused - the stairwell was short ) . My new roommates were here , making us four or five in total . I borrowed someone else 's shower and then I think we headed down for food . I 'd meant to starve myself but the peer pressure was real . We were with the girls now ; I was letting Pusheen use my phone 's data , and at some point we were joined by Brian ( not his real name ) , who was probably staying upstairs . He was a Christian , and brought with him the light of civilisation - a game called Cards Against Humanity . It was quite entertaining , and Palestine , cute as she was , genuinely surprised me with the dark genius of her mind . Ryan got up to leave after some time , and one of the girls needed a walk outside . Messy came in later and we played Never Have I Ever . The girls ordered a late dinner from McDonald 's . We 'd been playing for a while , and I think I 'd decided not to leave my room just yet , since my friend lived far away . Messy asked if we 'd ever sent nudes and I accidentally took a shot . Then we got out of the room - Messy , my roommate , and Palestine - and took the elevator to the roof . Why ? I don 't know . Things like this confuse me . This one time , my friend in school stopped to talk to a teacher about private classes and I didn 't know better than to just stand there next to them . I don 't know why we went up there , but I judged that it would be safe . It was a nice view from up there - not very high , but pleasant . Then we went back down . That 's right , no smoking or drinking or snorting cocaine ; just right back down to our rooms . I must have decided to go to bed , because the next thing I remember is walking into my dark room , and taking the empty bed on the floor . Posted on December 23 , 2016 by Sucheto We went into Room 101 , and I found I already had a roommate . There was a king size bed near me , and I saw two smaller beds : on the sofa ( actually a ledge of the window made into a sofa for the room , with blankets and a pillow added to make that sofa into a bed ) , and one on the floor . They needed to keep as many people as possible in each room : they weren 't cheap . The Sec - Gen said we 'd have more the next day . He repeated that there were restaurants below , and the other two organisers came up to the door for a moment . I don 't remember if they said anything . The Sec - Gen told us to rest , and to attend the orientation in the evening . There would be WiFi if we paid some money , and we decided to wait till we had more roommates . Then they left . It turned out that my roommate was also from Kolkata , and on top of that , he 'd been in the coach next to me on my train . He seemed to prefer English , though . He was a year younger . I don 't mean to connect those two thoughts . We decided to take the bed , since we were the first there . He let me take a shower first . I left my suitcase next to the bed , and implicitly laid claim to a small , round table next to it , and a wicker chair . I had three hangers , and there were more in the wardrobe , but I 'd end up needing several . Anyway , I took my things ( soap , razor , etc . ) into the shower . It was pleasant . I don 't think I 've ever showered barefoot , but I couldn 't resist trying the stone floor . It took me a long time to get everything running , though - there were things to be turned and pulled . The city was really warm , as my friends had said , but warm water , at long last , was welcome . I apologised when I came out , but my roommate was as polite as ever . He went in , and I tried to figure out where to keep my things - a problem that would plague me for the next few days . As always , the order of things escape me . I do remember taking a good look around while I was alone . It was a comfortable room . Outside , after parting the curtains next to the sofa , I saw the broad . busy , sunny street I 'd crossed . There was a hill close by , on the other side of the road , at the end of a lane . I might as well say this now : Pune is a surprisingly hilly city . Living in the literal artesian well that is Kolkata , I found it remarkable how compound walls were built like stairs , or a room could have part of its floor a step below the rest of the floor . The Symbiosis campus itself was all about walking up and down as much as horizontally . Now , as I recall , when my roommate came out , I said I was going to eat something , and he decided to busy himself with his laptop . I went down in my modest pyjamas to Papa Johns . Now , I know this casts me in a very plebeian light , but I 'd never eaten at Papa Johns before . I went in , and it looked good enough . I had to pay first , then sit , and have my order brought to me - a method I found not unpleasant . I ordered a farm fresh pizza , I think ; it was nice . After lunch , I went into the bright sunshine and had a look around . My room was directly above the restaurant , itself immediately left of the entrance to the hotel . I guess I must have gone back up , after calling Ma . My roommate was sitting on his side of the bed , studying on his laptop . He 'd been to several MUNs - ten , I think - and he was in the Nazi War Cabinet . They had to plan Operation Barbarossa . I never could figure out where to put my stuff . I just set down my razor and soap on a small table , and my socks under it . I 'd taken my laptop , but of course it wouldn 't start . I fiddled with the RAM , having brought my trusty screwdriver , but it wouldn 't open , so I just read on my phone . The next thing I remember was getting dressed to attend the orientation ( or call it what you will ) . I was in my dress shirt and trousers , the way most people remember me from my school days . The two of us went out and took a taxi - they look like autos in Kolkata , the way taxis all over India look . The Symbiosis campus was a few minutes ' ride up the road I 'd followed earlier - past the Marriott this time . When we got there , we couldn 't figure out which was the entrance , because we 'd been told to be at one gate , but the security officer asked us to use the other one . But that was the wrong one , and then we went in through the other one when the Secretary - General met us . There was some sort of fiesta on campus , and I couldn 't help wondering what it would be like if that kind of thing happened back home . We walked past the multiracial and multicultural dancing students , to the canteen with a couple of young ladies , whom the good Sec - Gen introduced as fellow delegates and our neighbours at the hotel . The Sec - Gen bought tea for the four of us ; I had a coffee . The canteen had a strange feature I don 't remember seeing before : a large part of the floor was a step down from the rest . This is how the hills are carved into Pune - even the rooms have them . My roommate went ahead to the orientation with the Sec - Gen , while I finished chatting up the ladies ( let 's not call them girls , shall we ? ) . I asked them if I owed the man a date ; he 'd payed my taxi fare and bought me coffee , all in the same day . The orientation went as you 'd expect . Some very fun people dressed in casual clothes explained MUNing . It was quite fun , actually . Towards the end , some guy with messy hair came in . I thought he was a delegate ; turns out he was one of the coolest people I 'd ever meet . I remember leaving with the Sec - Gen , the ladies , my roommate , and the new guy . We went to a restaurant nearby , where there was supposed to be free WiFi . It was exactly like the low - key eateries you see all over India ( including back home ) , and probably the humblest place I had the good fortune to be for some time . We drew up chairs to one table and the Sec - Gen and the new guy - let 's call him ' Messy ' - started giving us free advice on how to MUN . Eventually , we left and crossed the road to get taxis to go back . We all had rooms at the ' acco ' - the Sahara Hotel . I was in a taxi with my roommate and Messy , and we took a little detour before going back . Back at the hotel , I went to Messy 's room and met his roommates . Two of them were chairing , if I remember correctly . Very interesting people ; value their privacy . I went by the girls ' ( let 's call them ' girls ' for convenience ) room next , and helped the one in my committee a little with research by sharing data ( something I rarely have to begin with ) . Let 's call her Pusheen ; she was wearing shorts with Pusheen pictures . We 'll call her friend Palestine . They were from Mumbai ; turns out it 's okay to call it ' Bombay ' . Palestine said she lived near the cinema in Coldplay 's Hymn for the Weekend video . It 's been almost a year now , and my memory often fails me in a matter of hours . I think we went to dinner ; I couldn 't find my roommate at first . I learnt it was harder to be Jain than vegan , because a Jain eats even fewer things . I made a racist joke that I think everyone liked . We went back up to Messy 's room , and I know I felt fine . I asked him about how he got into MUNing , and I think he put on some music - he was some sort of music afficionado . Anyway , something about me made him walk me back to my room . Now , look . I know what I felt , and I 'm sure I could see the floor straight . Messy insisted , anyway . I do not remember talking to the girls then , but I might have . My lapse in memory now is largely thanks , I repeat , to time . I changed and went to bed . This had been a day when I 'd woken up at ten to five , where I normally do at around 7 or 8 ; I hadn 't slept since , and it had been a long day . I was abnormally tired , and it must have shown . So in the dark room , I heard my roommate talking to the girls in the room opposite , and I thought I heard them referring to me . Must have seemed drunk when I wished them good night , I thought , and I sat up and got out in my shorts . I went over and told them I was fine , and added that Palestine was really cute . Anyone who 's known me for a while knows I 'm always close to irony , and sometimes , in unguarded moments , I can be a couple of layers of irony down . This was one of those times , I 'd say , but it 's pretty hard to defend now . I was later told I was slurring my speech . Impossible , I maintain , but there you go . Posted on October 31 , 2016 by Sucheto While I don 't normally like to appropriate American traditions , I think Halloween has a sufficiently global character in the present . The NerdMeet pre - gig was certainly fun . Go look at the pictures on Facebook , and if you 're in Kolkata this winter , why don 't you come to the main event ? Yes , I have a lot of work to do - my Pune posts , for one thing . Today , however , I 'll take the opportunity to publish something I wrote a couple of years ago . I 'd gotten into college a few months before , and had very recently made friends with Tirtha . A few weeks , I think , before the Pujo vacation started , I was going out through the smaller gate , and so was he , with a few of his classmates . They had a ' little magazine ' called Slate , and I 'd expressed interest in writing for them . Tirtha was on my left , and he put his arm on my shoulder and told me to write . I revised Lovecraft - it had been a few months since I 'd last read him - and wrote a poem after some time , one that I 'd been looking forward to penning for months . I kept asking when he needed it , and all he said was I should write it . It was left unfinished for some time , and then completed ( about 60 - 75 % ) in an afternoon ; he 'd given me a deadline suddenly , I think , and it was probably as late as January in the next year . Then the deadline was pushed back , and eventually , I made corrections to errors I hadn 't noticed . Much later , I remember making another edit , by which time I was probably nearing the end of First Year . Anyway , they eventually gave up publishing Slate , and my poem waited in Google Docs . I think this blog has gotten to the level where I can publish an old poem . Honestly , though , I 'm quite surprised at how that ( rather literal ) purple passage turned out - it was written in a hurry that afternoon , and probably expressed deeply felt emotions , because I could never find better lines , or even wrap my head around how I 'd written them . I find the poem 's title - the file name in Docs - is a little melodramatic , and a little childish , but it 's still fitting . So here it is - with no further modification - my verse tribute to H . P . Lovecraft .

Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto We 'd meant to drink tea together in the morning , but my friend was pressed for time . He dressed and left , and I took my time getting ready . My train was in the afternoon , so I had plenty of time to do absolutely nothing . There was a pleasant wind up , and it was a nice day . My laptop decided to work , since it now had no reason to , and I sat on a bed watching films . I realised that I hadn 't been myself for the last few days . In order to do something , I 'd forced myself into a rigorous routine that also wouldn 't let me do the things I like . However , on that note , we should remember that sometimes a sacrifice like that is worth it for the people who make it , when they know what they want . The MUN was certainly worth it . My friend came back and did laundry , pausing briefly to watch Superbad with me for a few minutes . My ride to the station was already booked , and we walked out for lunch together . The first place we went to was closed but then he took me to a modest eatery where we had South Indian food , and then to one of those ice cream parlours where they make ice cream with natural ingredients . They let you taste flavours before you buy , and it was delicious . It actually melted into water as we walked back . It wasn 't for long , but this brief stay was good - relaxing , enjoyable , and no pressure involved . I said goodbye as the car started later that day for the station . It didn 't take as long as the previous night to get there ; the driver got my suitcase out of the trunk , and I said , ' Thank you , bhaiya , ' congratulating myself for my Hindi skills . The train was already there when I got to the platform , but boarding didn 't begin for a while . I had the upper bunk again , and the journey was what you 'd expect . When we were pulling into Howrah Station the next day , I couldn 't stop telling one of my co - passengers how the wait was killing me . The train had stopped just outside the station , as is due process , I think , and being this close but far away was unbearable . Baba was waiting for me . I hugged him and we went to the car - our car - and drove back home . Baba , as always , couldn 't stop telling me which landmark was which and what road lead where , but this time , I didn 't object . Oh , and he 'd brought a Monginis burger . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto I let the man put my suitcase on his scooter , and then I got on . I 'm the kind of person who always wears a seatbelt in the car . There , I didn 't have so much as a helmet , and I 'd never even been on a scooter before . I 'd probably never been on a two - wheeler before . He drove us through a gap in the wall onto a humble street , full of streetside stalls on two sides that seemed to be selling cloth . I recalled seeing a street like that when we 'd crossed the river on the day I arrived , on our way to the hotel . My rescuer and I started talking , but I don 't remember in what language . I told him where I was from and what I came to do , and he must 've misunderstood , because he took me to one of the Symbiosis campuses . I explained where I wanted to go , and he turned ' round and drove on . You can see the Marriott rising into the night sky from far away in Pune . He took me to the crossroad where the hotel stood on the other side . I thanked him , and walked away . I was close to where the socials were to be - a place called ' Tales and Spirits ' . I turned down a quiet lane and came to it after some walking . It was a comfortable - looking place , and I 'd walked right in . I was greeted by a few ( more or less ) familiar faces at the table nearest the door , when a waitress ( ? ) gently asked me outside and stamped my wrist , after verifying my name from a register . Seated at the table , a bearded man who 'd been in the International Press asked me why I still looked so formal . Of course I hadn 't changed since the MUN had ended . Sooner or later , we got around to the food , which was unlimited for those registered , like us . I 'm not being paid to say this , but it was superb . Let me just check their menu online to titillate you fine folks . There were jalapeno and mozzarella cigars , pizza , penne pasta , cakes that I can 't name and wish I could describe , and more . If it weren 't so expensive I 'd think about going there again sometime . The toilets / bathrooms / lavatories / washrooms were behind a sort of hidden door , which blended with the wainscoting ( if you can call it that ) . Behind it , in the short corridor outside the two rooms , I found Pusheen and a couple of her friends . I exchanged a few words , and then , resting my arm on a wall and with swagger , I asked , ' So , whatchoo doing later tonight ? ' As I 've said , I 'm often under several layers of irony . I hope I was then . Sometimes , though , it 's easy to lie to yourself , not to mention to other people . I want to believe I was joking , but was I being completely ironic ? Not many people came to the socials . My friends from earlier didn 't . One of my roommates was at my table , though , I think . As a matter of fact , I think I met him later , in Kolkata , but I can 't be sure . The owner of the restaurant was also a Bengali , and I managed to slip in a word , ' Bhalo ' ( Good ) , to his smiling face as he was passing . Goodbyes were said in due course , and we stepped out , ready to leave . Then Messy and Co . showed up in an auto . Dressed casually , Messy explained that they 'd taken it easy at the hotel ; it was 11 o ' clock then . Too bad for them , the party was over . The Secretary - General , ever the perfect gentleman , easily took charge when I helplessly gave him my phone - he told the cab driver where to go , and with his help , I was soon on my way . I let my friend know I was coming , and sat back in the car , watching nighttime Pune going by . It 's more or less how you expect a metropolitan Indian city to look like at night . I was certainly charmed . The drive took much longer than we thought , and even with my map , I had to ask my friend for help for the last leg of the journey . I tried to get him to talk to the driver like a helpless fool again , but he told me where to go , and I managed . He was there to pick me up . What else can I say ? It felt like home . He 'd cooked something for me , but I said I 'd eaten . He gave me a place to sleep and a shower to bathe in . All I could do ( and this was more a help to me than to him , I think ) was give him the leftover butter and pickles from my train ride . We stayed up chatting till four in the morning about remotely controlled vehicles and Assassin 's Creed - at one point , I couldn 't help pointing out how geeky it was . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto I woke up early again the next day . If I recall correctly , I rolled over and did a few pushups before getting up to brush . We were going to have to leave that day and my things were all over the place . The morning was spent packing with difficulty , with four or five people in the room . Sometimes you wish people weren 't looking when you 're packing your bag . Without much time to pack , the one suitcase I had was barely closed , and I couldn 't even shave properly . What really annoyed me was that the others didn 't seem very concerned . One of them was in my committee , and he sauntered in an hour after the session started . Before I left , someone reminded me to pay my share for the water bottles and coffee . I hadn 't ordered coffee , but I was late ( by my standards , anyway ) , and they knew it . I put down a fifty , saying it should cover my share of the expenses . Guess what the receptionist told me downstairs ? The net cost of everything ordered in my room was thirty rupees . An elderly attendant in the lobby , as I believe he may be called , stepped onto the road with me to help hail a taxi . This might have been unnecessary , but I accepted the help . ' Don 't forget to tip him , ' I chanted in my mind as the minutes leaked out of my watch . Then a taxi pulled up , and he helped me put my bag in , and we were on our way . I only remembered a second before we left , and gave the man a ten - rupee note ; he seemed pleased . At SSE , I had trouble getting to the room . The whole campus , like the city , is weirdly mountainous - one might even say ' non - Euclidean ' . The road simply inclined up or down as in hill stations , but the buildings , rather than being on fixed elevations , incorporated these curves ; the garage in one building sloped downwards ; the canteen , as I said , divided the floor into two levels ; two buildings might have several stairs and slopes in between . I was walking up one such incline with a bulge in my bag when I ran into one of the organisers . Turns out he was Bengali , too . He offered to keep my bag till the session ended , and , thanking him , I got my shaving things out of the front chain and put them in my suit pockets . I told a logistics member on my way up to let someone know I was coming , or maybe I 'd only asked if committee had started . I stopped at the floor below and shaved in the men 's room , getting a bit of my suit wet . I entered committee as I was putting on my tie . Things went on till lunch , after which we were taken to a different room - a large classroom , where the resolution would be drafted . Australia , who was just fourteen years old , was in our block , and so was Spain , who never said anything and wore a woollen cap . Our problem was that we couldn 't type fast enough - it was Australia 's Mac , and he wasn 't a fast typist , and when I tried , the keyboard shortcuts I was used to on Windows wouldn 't work . Despite our efforts , we weren 't going to get anything done . Later , when I was yelling at the typist in the other camp to incorporate our point in their draft , he did , but when I asked for credit ( as a sponsor or signatory , I forget which ) , Pusheen told me everyone had put in helpful points , so I wouldn 't get credit . Then , out of the blue , the Secretary - General asked for me , and I had to leave the chaos when I had to be there the most . Why ? My parents were worried because I hadn 't called all day . Sometimes you 're too busy to be angry . Anyway , committee was over and we wrote a few lines in each other 's placards . We stepped onto the grassy area where we 'd had lunch , where the prize distribution ceremony had already started . In the darkening purple evening , with lights throwing the sky into a contrast that inspired silent awe , we crowded around on the grass . There was a hill behind us that Japan had been meaning to help me climb for the view , but we never got around to it . A couple of us made the Nazi salute when the Barbarossa delegates won prizes ; my roommate was among them . Pusheen and Palestine ( who was an Observer State ) won awards for their respective committees . For the first and last time , I won something at a MUN - Special Mention ! The Chair praised my extraordinary diplomacy and asked me to do better research next time . When that was over , some of us stood around to chat . Many weren 't coming for the socials . When we were parting , I realised - and said out loud - that these people I 'd known for a few hours - I would never see them again . There they were , in the white light against the evening . Bags were taken out and I found mine . Would I leave for the socials now ? Messy , who was one of the chairs in the FIFA committee , was leaving . His co - chair , Z , was there , and so were a few others , including Palestine . Wait , would I leave now ? See you at the socials ? Oh , wait , we 're going together ? What ? Not only was this a little confusing , my memory is too bad to recall what confusion there was . I ended up in a taxi with Z on my right and one of Messy and Z 's friends and roommates on my left , navigating to a hotel . If I 'm not wrong , he was the one who tried to help me with the cuffs that morning . At one point he asked where the hotel was , and we told him he was the one with the phone . We were talking about something relevant , I 'm sure , when I asked Z ( this has stuck in my memory since ) ' What 's it like being a woman ? ' I believe she said that it was good but different . We paid the fare and wheeled our bags into the hotel , where we 'd wait for the socials . But I didn 't want a hotel room . We sat in the lobby , and I was given the glass of water I needed . The others were here ; Z and Palestine got a room ; I learned that the navigator from the auto was Bengali ( I hate how they kept saying ' Bong ' ) ; I sent Palestine a text when she was sitting in front of me but she didn 't react . Then , I took my leave , and stepped out . There was plenty of time to walk around Pune and I wanted to make the most of this night . Following the map on my phone , I took turns till I was walking down a wide , busy street , pulling my wheeled suitcase after me and occasionally lifting it around parked bikes and cars . There were several large stores , including a two - storey Starbucks , as I recall . Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found that my way went through Fergusson College , which one of my teachers had asked me to try to visit . I crossed the road and entered through the gates , and in all the time I was in there , no one stopped a young man in a suit with a suitcase walking around at night . There seemed to be some kind of garden on the right - I hesitate to write ' medicinal garden ' - and I walked past another gate , and saw the college building . There were white lights on and around the building , but it was nonetheless difficult to appreciate the architecture in the dark . I realised that I was like Jude when he first went to Christminster . I walked on , taking the paved road through a turnstile of sorts , where a booth stood ; I was not stopped or even looked at . A man was walking abreast of me , and for quite some time I wondered if I should tell him that I 'm new here , so he could say a few things about the campus , but I decided against it . The campus , for lack of a better word , grew wild , with large expanses of grass broken by short buildings at slight distances . I had to retrace my steps once because the GPS didn 't seem to have followed me properly . Growing a little wary , I walked on through the dark , phone in hand and a laptop in my suitcase , which was rattling over an uneven path now . After some time , I was quite confused . I 'd been walking for a fairly long time and I was still inside the campus . I looked around the moor , as it could be called then . I was new here , and I didn 't speak Hindi very well ( or anything else ) . There were a few fires at odd places , with people huddled around them , and what they were doing was , to me , inscrutable . I was wondering how to proceed when I saw a headlight approaching . I must have hailed them and asked for help in Hindi - it was a scooter with a young man driving and a woman of about his age riding pillion . He pointed me in the right direction , and drove off . I was walking away when he came back , this time without the lady , and offered to drop me off . Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Sucheto No points for guessing when I woke up the next day : ten minutes to five . I think it must have been dark still . I got busy getting ready , because the opening ceremony was at ten and I wanted to study . The next thing I remember , it was nearly time to leave , and I went over to Messy 's room to ask how to get my cuff - links on ; he was in the shower ( ? ? ) but one of his roommates helped ( turns out you need cuffs for that ) . We knocked on the girls ' door , and one of them said her friend was in the shower ( no one mentioned last night ) . I felt a tinge of annoyance at their being late , but I would later realise that female delegates were probably under a lot of pressure to adhere to certain standards . Male delegates can show up with stubble , but many female delegates seemed to be compelled to be punctilious in their appearance . Breakfast would be served at the MUN , so all we had to do was head over there in a taxi ( which , as goes without saying , would be the type of vehicle called the ' auto ' in Kolkata ) . My roommate was dressed in a shirt and a bowtie , and I was in the large - ish suit we 'd had made in Kolkata . Pusheen and Palestine wore dresses . ' Say something , ' I told myself , and said something like , ' I like your dress ' . At the MUN , we registered and got leather folders and IDs . Everyone split up to talk to people in their committees , and Messy ( who stood apart ) said we should , too . By ' we ' I mean this girl I ran into who was in my committee - Mauritius . I told her later last year that I was Mauritius at JUMUN 2016 . We were asked inside a little afterwards for the ceremony . It was nice . The woman ( or girl ? ) next to me was Belgium in my committee - I told her about the theory that Jon was part - Targaryen . She was a student there , too . I 'll stop now . Someone led us to the GA - it was a small room three or four floors up in one of the buildings . The GA was quite small - must have been less than 20 . I think the quorum was set at 8 on one of those days . Pusheen was there , too . I started my GSL speech by quoting Tennyson 's Ulysses . They 'd arranged for Italian food for meals . There was penne pasta and mousse for dessert , among other things . Belgium , Japan , and I tried to team up . Japan was a student there , too , and an anime fan . He told me to watch Shigatsu a month before other people started talking about it . The day was long , and the committee was a little different from most MUNs , I think , because it was only for two days . I was drowsing when a crisis came up about a French tourist ship in Cuban waters . Cuba dug himself into a hole arguing against me , even though I had no experience . I remember his stubble , curling into a spiral on his cheek , which must have made close shaving ( like I prefer ) extremely difficult . I argued with Costa Rica during lunch , I think , trying to explain free market economics to him ( or was that on Sunday ? ) . Good times . I 'd decided to walk home - I mean to the hotel . Japan and I walked together for some time , talking about collaborating . I kept walking as evening came . Then I met Ali , walking from the other direction with a friend . He was one of the organisers , and he 'd been at the orientation . Very fun and upbeat personality . There was a problem at the hotel , though . Some error in the booking process meant everyone had to leave their rooms a day early : the extra money for that one day could be given as the fee for the socials . Good thing I had a friend in Pune . On my way back I walked around in the giant Pantaloons mall , wondering if I should get new … ahem . I took the stairs at the hotel and a couple of women told me the light wasn 't working ; I apologised and said I didn 't work there , but offered a light from my phone ( they refused - the stairwell was short ) . My new roommates were here , making us four or five in total . I borrowed someone else 's shower and then I think we headed down for food . I 'd meant to starve myself but the peer pressure was real . We were with the girls now ; I was letting Pusheen use my phone 's data , and at some point we were joined by Brian ( not his real name ) , who was probably staying upstairs . He was a Christian , and brought with him the light of civilisation - a game called Cards Against Humanity . It was quite entertaining , and Palestine , cute as she was , genuinely surprised me with the dark genius of her mind . Ryan got up to leave after some time , and one of the girls needed a walk outside . Messy came in later and we played Never Have I Ever . The girls ordered a late dinner from McDonald 's . We 'd been playing for a while , and I think I 'd decided not to leave my room just yet , since my friend lived far away . Messy asked if we 'd ever sent nudes and I accidentally took a shot . Then we got out of the room - Messy , my roommate , and Palestine - and took the elevator to the roof . Why ? I don 't know . Things like this confuse me . This one time , my friend in school stopped to talk to a teacher about private classes and I didn 't know better than to just stand there next to them . I don 't know why we went up there , but I judged that it would be safe . It was a nice view from up there - not very high , but pleasant . Then we went back down . That 's right , no smoking or drinking or snorting cocaine ; just right back down to our rooms . I must have decided to go to bed , because the next thing I remember is walking into my dark room , and taking the empty bed on the floor . Posted on December 23 , 2016 by Sucheto We went into Room 101 , and I found I already had a roommate . There was a king size bed near me , and I saw two smaller beds : on the sofa ( actually a ledge of the window made into a sofa for the room , with blankets and a pillow added to make that sofa into a bed ) , and one on the floor . They needed to keep as many people as possible in each room : they weren 't cheap . The Sec - Gen said we 'd have more the next day . He repeated that there were restaurants below , and the other two organisers came up to the door for a moment . I don 't remember if they said anything . The Sec - Gen told us to rest , and to attend the orientation in the evening . There would be WiFi if we paid some money , and we decided to wait till we had more roommates . Then they left . It turned out that my roommate was also from Kolkata , and on top of that , he 'd been in the coach next to me on my train . He seemed to prefer English , though . He was a year younger . I don 't mean to connect those two thoughts . We decided to take the bed , since we were the first there . He let me take a shower first . I left my suitcase next to the bed , and implicitly laid claim to a small , round table next to it , and a wicker chair . I had three hangers , and there were more in the wardrobe , but I 'd end up needing several . Anyway , I took my things ( soap , razor , etc . ) into the shower . It was pleasant . I don 't think I 've ever showered barefoot , but I couldn 't resist trying the stone floor . It took me a long time to get everything running , though - there were things to be turned and pulled . The city was really warm , as my friends had said , but warm water , at long last , was welcome . I apologised when I came out , but my roommate was as polite as ever . He went in , and I tried to figure out where to keep my things - a problem that would plague me for the next few days . As always , the order of things escape me . I do remember taking a good look around while I was alone . It was a comfortable room . Outside , after parting the curtains next to the sofa , I saw the broad . busy , sunny street I 'd crossed . There was a hill close by , on the other side of the road , at the end of a lane . I might as well say this now : Pune is a surprisingly hilly city . Living in the literal artesian well that is Kolkata , I found it remarkable how compound walls were built like stairs , or a room could have part of its floor a step below the rest of the floor . The Symbiosis campus itself was all about walking up and down as much as horizontally . Now , as I recall , when my roommate came out , I said I was going to eat something , and he decided to busy himself with his laptop . I went down in my modest pyjamas to Papa Johns . Now , I know this casts me in a very plebeian light , but I 'd never eaten at Papa Johns before . I went in , and it looked good enough . I had to pay first , then sit , and have my order brought to me - a method I found not unpleasant . I ordered a farm fresh pizza , I think ; it was nice . After lunch , I went into the bright sunshine and had a look around . My room was directly above the restaurant , itself immediately left of the entrance to the hotel . I guess I must have gone back up , after calling Ma . My roommate was sitting on his side of the bed , studying on his laptop . He 'd been to several MUNs - ten , I think - and he was in the Nazi War Cabinet . They had to plan Operation Barbarossa . I never could figure out where to put my stuff . I just set down my razor and soap on a small table , and my socks under it . I 'd taken my laptop , but of course it wouldn 't start . I fiddled with the RAM , having brought my trusty screwdriver , but it wouldn 't open , so I just read on my phone . The next thing I remember was getting dressed to attend the orientation ( or call it what you will ) . I was in my dress shirt and trousers , the way most people remember me from my school days . The two of us went out and took a taxi - they look like autos in Kolkata , the way taxis all over India look . The Symbiosis campus was a few minutes ' ride up the road I 'd followed earlier - past the Marriott this time . When we got there , we couldn 't figure out which was the entrance , because we 'd been told to be at one gate , but the security officer asked us to use the other one . But that was the wrong one , and then we went in through the other one when the Secretary - General met us . There was some sort of fiesta on campus , and I couldn 't help wondering what it would be like if that kind of thing happened back home . We walked past the multiracial and multicultural dancing students , to the canteen with a couple of young ladies , whom the good Sec - Gen introduced as fellow delegates and our neighbours at the hotel . The Sec - Gen bought tea for the four of us ; I had a coffee . The canteen had a strange feature I don 't remember seeing before : a large part of the floor was a step down from the rest . This is how the hills are carved into Pune - even the rooms have them . My roommate went ahead to the orientation with the Sec - Gen , while I finished chatting up the ladies ( let 's not call them girls , shall we ? ) . I asked them if I owed the man a date ; he 'd payed my taxi fare and bought me coffee , all in the same day . The orientation went as you 'd expect . Some very fun people dressed in casual clothes explained MUNing . It was quite fun , actually . Towards the end , some guy with messy hair came in . I thought he was a delegate ; turns out he was one of the coolest people I 'd ever meet . I remember leaving with the Sec - Gen , the ladies , my roommate , and the new guy . We went to a restaurant nearby , where there was supposed to be free WiFi . It was exactly like the low - key eateries you see all over India ( including back home ) , and probably the humblest place I had the good fortune to be for some time . We drew up chairs to one table and the Sec - Gen and the new guy - let 's call him ' Messy ' - started giving us free advice on how to MUN . Eventually , we left and crossed the road to get taxis to go back . We all had rooms at the ' acco ' - the Sahara Hotel . I was in a taxi with my roommate and Messy , and we took a little detour before going back . Back at the hotel , I went to Messy 's room and met his roommates . Two of them were chairing , if I remember correctly . Very interesting people ; value their privacy . I went by the girls ' ( let 's call them ' girls ' for convenience ) room next , and helped the one in my committee a little with research by sharing data ( something I rarely have to begin with ) . Let 's call her Pusheen ; she was wearing shorts with Pusheen pictures . We 'll call her friend Palestine . They were from Mumbai ; turns out it 's okay to call it ' Bombay ' . Palestine said she lived near the cinema in Coldplay 's Hymn for the Weekend video . It 's been almost a year now , and my memory often fails me in a matter of hours . I think we went to dinner ; I couldn 't find my roommate at first . I learnt it was harder to be Jain than vegan , because a Jain eats even fewer things . I made a racist joke that I think everyone liked . We went back up to Messy 's room , and I know I felt fine . I asked him about how he got into MUNing , and I think he put on some music - he was some sort of music afficionado . Anyway , something about me made him walk me back to my room . Now , look . I know what I felt , and I 'm sure I could see the floor straight . Messy insisted , anyway . I do not remember talking to the girls then , but I might have . My lapse in memory now is largely thanks , I repeat , to time . I changed and went to bed . This had been a day when I 'd woken up at ten to five , where I normally do at around 7 or 8 ; I hadn 't slept since , and it had been a long day . I was abnormally tired , and it must have shown . So in the dark room , I heard my roommate talking to the girls in the room opposite , and I thought I heard them referring to me . Must have seemed drunk when I wished them good night , I thought , and I sat up and got out in my shorts . I went over and told them I was fine , and added that Palestine was really cute . Anyone who 's known me for a while knows I 'm always close to irony , and sometimes , in unguarded moments , I can be a couple of layers of irony down . This was one of those times , I 'd say , but it 's pretty hard to defend now . I was later told I was slurring my speech . Impossible , I maintain , but there you go . Posted on October 31 , 2016 by Sucheto While I don 't normally like to appropriate American traditions , I think Halloween has a sufficiently global character in the present . The NerdMeet pre - gig was certainly fun . Go look at the pictures on Facebook , and if you 're in Kolkata this winter , why don 't you come to the main event ? Yes , I have a lot of work to do - my Pune posts , for one thing . Today , however , I 'll take the opportunity to publish something I wrote a couple of years ago . I 'd gotten into college a few months before , and had very recently made friends with Tirtha . A few weeks , I think , before the Pujo vacation started , I was going out through the smaller gate , and so was he , with a few of his classmates . They had a ' little magazine ' called Slate , and I 'd expressed interest in writing for them . Tirtha was on my left , and he put his arm on my shoulder and told me to write . I revised Lovecraft - it had been a few months since I 'd last read him - and wrote a poem after some time , one that I 'd been looking forward to penning for months . I kept asking when he needed it , and all he said was I should write it . It was left unfinished for some time , and then completed ( about 60 - 75 % ) in an afternoon ; he 'd given me a deadline suddenly , I think , and it was probably as late as January in the next year . Then the deadline was pushed back , and eventually , I made corrections to errors I hadn 't noticed . Much later , I remember making another edit , by which time I was probably nearing the end of First Year . Anyway , they eventually gave up publishing Slate , and my poem waited in Google Docs . I think this blog has gotten to the level where I can publish an old poem . Honestly , though , I 'm quite surprised at how that ( rather literal ) purple passage turned out - it was written in a hurry that afternoon , and probably expressed deeply felt emotions , because I could never find better lines , or even wrap my head around how I 'd written them . I find the poem 's title - the file name in Docs - is a little melodramatic , and a little childish , but it 's still fitting . So here it is - with no further modification - my verse tribute to H . P . Lovecraft .

From a pier on Dauphin Island there was little that Thurston could see of the Gulf in the night , with the mammoth of a storm charging across the water . It had blacked out the night . Those who had loved ones inland had joined them . Many of his neighbors had gone into Mobile . Some had gone further up , some to up around Georgiana , some all the way up to Montgomery . They left but they were not afraid . A storm was not something to fear . Life comes with storms , and that 's all there is to it . Some people had named this one , like they had Camille back in ' 69 . The Navy had sent his older brother 's plane into Camille . The Navy wanted ships to know what was happening on the surface . His brother 's plane had made it to the eye , from where it had sent messages , but that was the last anyone had heard . On the pier Thurston stood with leaden hands . Where had the wind gone ? A past storm had put the pier on dry land . A storm could change everything . It moved things . It could take everything away . Ten years after Camille almost to the day , Frederic had slammed into Mobile Bay , and it wasn 't long after that when his wife had walked out on him . She 'd had enough . She couldn 't take it anymore , whatever it was that she couldn 't take . He hadn 't shown her enough love . They 'd been childless . Her parents had grown old , and now they needed her more than he did . All of these , or other things , or everything all at once . It was like the storm had moved something inside of her to where she couldn 't stand it to be . This pier was now too far from where Thurston wanted to be . He walked down to the sand . Before they 'd been married , before everything , this was where they met . They wrote messages in the sand for tomorrow 's sunbathers . Where had they gone , that young couple ? He could not see but he could hear that the waves were not as rough as they should be . Where was the water ? The water , he realized , had drawn itself up . A great wave was coming in , black and silent . The wave was woolen at this distance . He wrote in the sand while the wave gathered its surge and carried the first and last of nothing toward him . He wrote the word home . The wave bade him lie down , and it drew itself up over his feet , knees , and chest . It filled his lungs , and his shoulders sank deeper into the sand . Someone pulled him out and while he was coughing he thought this was his brother , but it was not . It was Frank 's son . Thurston had seen him , now a young man , bagging groceries at the Winn Dixie . He 'd seen him cart the bags out for the elderly , for the disabled , probably for anybody who asked . Bagging wasn 't bad work because it taught a young person a little something about helping others . He couldn 't remember his name . Frank had two sons , this one the older of the two . He couldn 't remember much about either of the sons . Thurston got up from the sand and said , " Took me by surprise , " and " Thank you , " as he shook his hand . The young man said , " Yes , sir . " He kept looking out at the Gulf . He had something to say . Thurston asked , " What 's it look like ? " " A wind sure is coming . Can see it out there on the water . " He had a way of nodding when he spoke , like he needed someone to agree that his words were worthwhile . Thurston looked out at the water , at the waves , at what he couldn 't see well . The wind picked up again . He 'd always appreciated how some people had it hardwired in them to see wind on water , and the tide and , somehow , the movement of currents under the surface . " True enough , " he said , and " You best get off the beach as well . " Thurston was not real close to Frank , but he knew him . Frank and the wife and the two sons . Frank was one of those from here , had always been here , the same as Frank 's father had been . When Thurston had first come down from Tennessee , Frank was like one of those buoys in the water , marking the way of Southern Alabama people . Frank went out fishing with his sons on an outboard motor boat . This young man , at this age , must 've spent time alone on that boat . Anyone who did knew a thing or two about boat engines . It was the engine that took you out to somewhere and it was the engine that brought you home . He turned back to the young man . " You 're Frank 's son , right ? " The next day , the storm had not let up and seemed to promise it would not ever . Thurston in the service hangar picked up the wall phone and called Frank . The wife picked up , and brought Frank in from the garage where she said he 'd been repairing an old shrimp boiler . Frank got on the phone and said the boiler 's propane line might be clogged , or there might be a leak . They talked about what could be done about it . Frank was going to put it under water and run the line to see if there was a leak . Bubbles would show that . Thurston said if there was a leak it could be as far back as the connection at the tank . If it was clogged , there wasn 't a good way to clear it . Best to replace the line . They talked about whether the hardware store would be open . They both knew the man who owned the hardware store and agreed that he probably would not have the store open in this weather . They agreed that the weather was bad . Thurston said no planes were coming in or out of Jack Edwards airport . Not now , of course . Not with this storm blowing the way that it was . Jack Edwards was where Thurston worked on light aircraft . Nowadays he did wheels and other small parts assembly . He didn 't do engine work as much as he used to . He 'd pretty much stopped engine work after he 'd lost his brother . He figured that Ennis had told his father what had happened on the beach . But he wasn 't sure that Ennis had . " That water just about did me in , " Thurston said . " Your son pulled me out of a bad spot . You should be proud of him . " " We 're fine , we 're fine . We 've got a tree down already . " They talked about what the storm had done , and what they 'd each heard about how long it would last and how bad it would be . Thurston asked , " Does Ennis know anything about motors ? " Frank said , " He 's good with motors . " " I could use a hand over at Jack Edwards . It pays . I was thinking weekends , when he 's not in school . Working on the engines . I expect he 'd be interested in that . " Ennis was a senior at Baldwin County High School . His brother was a few years behind him . Ennis was applying to colleges . It was never too soon to apply to colleges these days . For kids there was a lot of pressure to have some idea of what you wanted to be and to get ahead of all that college admissions work . Frank said that Ennis didn 't know what he wanted to be . He liked girls a lot , a little too much . There was one girl now that he 'd been seeing for a while and Frank was worried that she 'd get pregnant . Frank said he was surprised that it hadn 't happened already , because there wasn 't anything anyone could do to prevent teenagers from doing what they were made to do with each other . Frank said he 'd made that mistake . His wife had been pregnant when they married , and then she 'd miscarried . That was after his second marriage , which had been childless . But then later Ennis came along and he was the best thing that had ever happened to them . Whatever was next for Ennis , no one knew . Frank hoped he 'd go to the University of South Alabama and figure things out from there . In the morning Thurston 's truck was out in the drive like it was alive and waiting for him when he climbed into it as he did every morning this early . It started up eagerly , as reliable as ever . He listened to the engine 's idle before he put it in gear and backed out of the drive . This house he lived in now was full of memories even though he 'd never lived in this house with Claire . When she 'd left him and it was clear that she wasn 't coming back he 'd moved to this smaller house that was less house , more yard . The yard was for a dog , but he never did get one . He and Claire had been in a bigger house because they 'd planned to have children . They never had . When he began to live in the smaller house he realized that it was not the house that had memories . The hangar was this way , too , full of memories though it was not the hangar that had memories . She used to visit , back when they were together . She 'd make a fresh pot of coffee for the men and she 'd sit on a stool back by the tools , deal cards to anyone willing to play twenty - one , and ask them about their wives and children and what it was to work on plane engines . She couldn 't grasp how the simplest thing worked in an engine no matter how many times he or one of the others explained it to her . Likewise , the mechanics of her were such an unfathomable mystery to the men that she may as well have been a lovely airship from another planet . At the hangar Thurston pulled into the same parking spot that he did every day and he flipped off the headlights . The storm had made everything so dark that he couldn 't know if the sun had come up yet . It probably had . Only one other truck was there and that was Mason 's who cleaned . That 's just what they called him , Mason the cleaner , because he cleaned the tools and put shine on and when that important work was done he cleaned the floor and before a plane rolled out he cleaned what he could of it . No planes would roll out today . It wasn 't the rain that was so bad . Rain on its own would 've been fine . IThe hangar had survived this long . It had been put up after Camille , which had destroyed the first service hangar . Everyone knew that the first hangar had been in an unlucky spot , so they 'd rebuilt it on the other side of Jack Edwards where it had stood ever since . Back in that unlucky spot they 'd put up a storage hangar that everyone called the honeypot . The idea was that a grizzly storm would wear itself out going at honeypot hangar first . It would tear it open , but wouldn 't find any planes inside . Through the storm Thurston could just make out in the distance that the honeypot was still standing . Thurston went inside the service hangar . It was only a few steps from his truck but it was raining so hard that he was wet by the time he got inside . Behind him at the door the wind was whipping like a cat at a mouse hole wanting to fit its whole self through . He had to use both hands to close the door on it . Only half the lights were on in the expanse of the hangar 's open interior , and Mason was back by the tools . Thurston flipped on all the lights . " Morning , " he said , knowing his voice would go the distance . Mason said morning back . Planes were everywhere inside , like scattered origami . He and the others had carefully towed each plane in at whatever angle would take up the least space . The planes were pointing at each other . They were frightened cubs hunched down , looking at each other . The wind blew hard at their thin metal house and howled and whistled . This hangar had survived lots of storms since Camille , the worst of them Frederic , though it had come out of Frederic severely battered , with roofing sheets torn away , flooding , and the bifold door dented like a giant had thrown itself against it . Important things had been damaged and still it had survived . A hangar was one of those things that people needed to believe in . People needed to know that sturdy shelter was possible . But Thurston knew a metal frame could withstand only so much before it gave in and fell upon itself . The long - span open web - joists were only so strong . The storm blew harder . If the storm got at the right piece of it and tore that away , the whole thing would give in . At the tools , Thurston wiped his black shoes with a rag and then stuck that rag in his back pocket . He looked at the clipboard while Mason talked to him . He changed out tools on his rolling table . Mason seemed to notice what he was doing because he stopped what he was saying to ask , " Doing engine work today ? " With Ennis , he had to talk about the tools first because you can 't go head - on at engine work without knowing well what it was you were capable of doing and what it was you were not . A lot of the work was using tools to take apart first the sturdy outer parts and then some of the more delicate innards , but always a part of the work was feeling your way and it always would be . That was what took years to get . It was hard work and on the table with the tools had to be that something inside of you because that inexplicable something became part of the engine when you put the pieces in place and stepped back , because when that engine left you it became so essential to others as to mean life or death . Ennis worked out a bolt and it dropped from the end of his wrench . Thurston picked it up , wiped it with the rag , and handed it back to Ennis . He told Ennis , " Lots of things hold a plane together . A bolt works its way out at ten thousand or twenty - five and it would be fine . The loss of one bolt is not enough for everything to come apart . " Ennis was working out another bolt . Thurston said , " Try to catch this one off the wrench . " Ennis dropped things . He even dropped tools . He meant well and he was trying as hard as he could . There were things about Ennis that convinced Thurston he was diligent and capable , but something big preoccupied him , so big that he was failing at this . " What 's wrong , Ennis ? " Thurston asked but Ennis didn 't have a straight answer to explain what was in his head . He said that bad luck plagued him , that was all . He said that sometimes when he bagged groceries everything seemed fine , but then all of it would fall out of the bottom of the bag . It had always been this way for him . He said there was a girl he was seeing and he was clumsy with her . There wasn 't anything smooth or easy about the way he made out with her and when they had sex . It was all awkward and it just didn 't feel right , but they couldn 't stop their flight path . That 's the way he said it . They were on a crash course . Ennis said his application to South wasn 't going to get him in . That was the University of South Alabama . He said he wasn 't smart enough to get in . He wasn 't good at any one thing . He 'd kept up his grades but others had better . And there was no scholarship he could get , so it was too expensive . He would wreck the whole thing anyway so it was better not to go at all . He was angry about it , while replacing the panel and putting away the tools . He was in a heated rush . He said he was so angry that he couldn 't work any more . He said he had to go . He left . A little while later Thurston was back by the tools , worrying about Ennis , and Mason was telling him not to worry about the young man , when the pilot came in to take a look at his plane as pilots like to do - they just couldn 't stay away from their plane for long . Thurston told him the work was finished on that one . It was the one Ennis had worked on . The pilot ran his fingers over some of the bolts and panels , and said if only the wind wasn 't what it was he would take her up . " But it 's not so bad now , " the pilot said . " It really is calmer now . I 'll try and take her up . What do you think ? " The pilot said he 'd show them what he could control . Open the hangar doors , he told them . Tow his plane out . Do it now . Thurston said he wouldn 't open the doors . He wasn 't about to . There was no way that was going to happen . They didn 't have clearance . He told the pilot to call up the dispatcher to get on a schedule . The pilot hit him . It was just about the last thing Thurston expected but he was plenty willing to fight . They tussled beside the plane , hitting each other , until the pilot backed off and spat blood and then left without saying a word . Ennis didn 't show up at the hangar the next day , Sunday . Thurston wasn 't sure Ennis had understood that he could come in on Sundays as well . He wasn 't sure Ennis would come in again at all given the way he 'd left . Mason had been manning the phone all morning . Pilots were calling in . Even though some measuring equipment at the airport had reported a reduced wind speed , it did not seem true . The wind howled at the hangar . There were gusts . There was wind shear . Everyone knew the conditions were not safe and so the pilots were all grounded . Mason handed the phone over to Thurston when one pilot wanted to hear Thurston tell him that his plane was securely tied down inside the hangar . This pilot wanted to know if anything else could be done . Thurston told him the service hangar had always withstood and there was no reason to believe it wouldn 't this time . The pilot said he wasn 't afraid of wind . Thurston told him it wasn 't about fear , and hung up on him . Thurston told Mason they should secure the door with heavy chains to keep the pilots from taking their planes out . Mason did that . On Monday morning it was still raining but the wind had dropped . Thurston did not want to deal with the pilots so he did not go in . He knew the pilots would not be cleared to go anywhere anytime soon . It was not his job to hold off an angry mob . He called the service hangar but no one picked up . Mason may have had the same instinct . It was still early , and dark out . Thurston with a cup of hot coffee stood at the windows looking out at what he could see of the rain falling on the yard . A plane had gone up . How was that possible ? The pilot had convinced somebody to give him clearance . Mason had been called in early to tow out the plane . It was the same pilot who 'd fought Thurston . After the plane went up , everything seemed to be all right . But the pilot turned back . He radioed in that he 'd seen a panel up by the engine blow off . When the wheels touched down on the runway , a swirl of wind lifted the plane 's tail like a giant hand . The plane bounced on its nose back up into the air . When it touched down again , it banked and the wing clipped the ground . The plane tumbled , fire leaping up from somewhere on itself . It burst into flames . The plane slid for some distance , on fire and upside down . The pilot was killed . After the call Thurston dumped the coffee and poured in whiskey . He drank some but it was not what he wanted . He dumped it . The blown panel was not what had caused the crash . Some might think it was , but it was just one of those things that happen and lead to other things happening . Earlier , some fool had cleared the plane for take - off . Earlier than that , the pilot had the fool idea of going up in this weather . A number of fool things had happened . This pilot had thrown punches at him on Saturday . Thurston stared at a lightbulb 's tungsten filament , what looked like a plane on fire . All of this had nothing to do with anything he 'd himself done . Or Ennis , who 'd worked on that plane 's engine , and who 'd put that panel on . Others might not see it that way . When Claire had left him , she 'd said it wasn 't anyone 's fault . It was like water had boiled itself out of the pot . The plane and the pilot were lost . There wouldn 't be anything worth seeing at the crash site . He had to see all of that anyway . He drove out to Jack Edwards . He stared at the wreckage on the runway with rain falling on him . The storm was still so bad that one wouldn 't know day or night without a clock to tell him . A car drove onto the airfield and stopped at some distance . A woman in a raincoat got out and stood in the headlights . He knew next to nothing about whatever home the pilot had had outside the cockpit . This woman had been part of that . She 'd lost what she had and she would never be the same . But it was someone else 's theatre . As he walked toward her to say something , at the very least to acknowledge her loss , she got back in the car and drove away . A man walked over and identified himself as airport police . He seemed to already know who Thurston was . He asked if Thurston recognized this plane . Thurston said he did . The policeman said he 'd come to understand that an assault had taken place on Saturday in the service hangar . Thurston got in his truck . At the service hangar he stopped for a poncho and flashlight . He drove out east and up and down Roscoe Road . He knew there was too much area to search but he did anyway . He stopped the truck on the side of the road and walked through the rain , throwing the flashlight 's beam . He could not know the flight path or the distance the plane had gone , and even if he knew the flight path and other calculables the wind could 've blown the panel to somewhere he 'd never think to look . Thurston said , " No , he 's got enough in his head . If we add this , it might snap him in two . You see that , don 't you ? He 's just starting out in life . Nobody needs to know that he touched that plane . He 's a good kid . Promise me , Mason . Promise me you won 't ever tell anyone . " " I promise , Thurston . You know you don 't have to worry about that . Call from the road , will you ? Let us know you 're all right . These men are fools . " Thurston hadn 't decided what to say to Claire before he left town . He didn 't know how much she knew about all that had happened . He had a notion that she and Mason had already spoken . " You 've talked to her , haven 't you ? " " After some time , call her up and see if she will check in on Ennis . To make sure he 's doing all right . I won 't be able to . " After the phone call Thurston stopped what he was doing . He 'd put just about everything in boxes . There were tools that he had not . He had the sense to put away tools last , he always had . Some of the tools at the service hangar had been his own , and he 'd brought those home . He also had tow line and small parts for wheels and other small parts of things he 'd collected over the years , some parts he honestly did not know what they were for or how they went together but it was best to hold onto spare parts . You needed what you didn 't know you needed . Ennis drove up in his father 's truck . Thurston went out onto the porch . It was late morning , and it wasn 't a clear day . A sort of fog hung in the air and wouldn 't burn off . They sat in two chairs Thurston still had on the porch . They talked for a while . Ennis didn 't have a lot of time . He had to get to his job at Winn Dixie . There were things Thurston wanted to tell him that he knew he would not be able to , not in this short time . Thurston said , " A fool pilot goes up and when he comes down in a fiery ball he kills himself and ruins the lives of plenty others . " After Ennis left , Thurston finished loading the truck . The storm was dissipating . It would form again somewhere else , some other time . It was dark when he locked the door of the house , though it didn 't matter that he locked it , and he backed out of the drive . Now it would be someone else 's house , maybe even a home . He drove out to the pier on Dauphin Island . He found the candle in the back of the truck and a few other things , and went down to the sand . The next tide would wash his footprints away along with those of sea birds and crabs . With the wind what it was , it took some time to light the candle with a lighter but when it caught , it held . He dripped wax into the bottom of the jar , blew out the candle , and stood the candle in the jar . It stayed upright . He lit the candle again inside the jar , and then he placed the jar on the sand . This was his farewell to the beach . He walked away and looked at it from the pier . Life comes with storms , and life comes with a solitary candle on the beach . Life comes with losing people . A figure came walking along the beach , sandals in her hand . It was Claire . Something in his chest kicked like a young pup . The wind blew her hair and skirt . She was ghost - like at first . He 'd met her , all those years ago , about this time of night , in about the same way as this . She was a lovely airship arriving from another world . On the pier Thurston felt the wind begin to blow right through him , as if he was less than he 'd ever been . He was fading away already , this soon . What had happened to him , to them both ? She didn 't look up at him on the pier and he didn 't call out to her but she had to know that he was there . She stopped at the candle and wrote in the sand . She wrote the word home , and then she walked away . He went back to the truck and drove out onto the sand and up the beach . He could not find her . He wasn 't thinking about anything else but finding her . She couldn 't have gone too far . He sped across the sand about as far as she could 've gone . Then he stopped the truck , backed it up , and pointed it at the water . The headlights shone on the waves . Waves broke . Water pushed up onto the sand and receded , again and again . It was an offer . She could climb in and leave with him , though they both knew that going somewhere else wouldn 't change a thing about a person . Wherever she was now , she could call out for him across the sand and that would be enough because he would hear her , and if she did that then he would not leave without her . But she did not . After a while , he backed up the truck and drove off the beach . He headed in the direction , as he 'd told Ennis , of somewhere entirely different but exactly the same , as everywhere was . Christopher X . Shade 's stories have appeared in about twenty publications , and he has a novel set in France in agent circulation . He is an editor of Epiphany literary journal . A member of the NBCC , his book reviews have appeared in The Brooklyn Rail , Southern Literary Review , New Orleans Review , Saint Ann 's Review , and elsewhere . He was raised in the South , and now lives and works in NYC .

My daughter , Kathleen , was 15 . . . too young to seriously date but she had a boyfriend . One evening , when I was leaving to pick up my son , Paul , from baseball practice , she asked if she could just go with her boyfriend to pick up his little brother at a friend 's house . She said they would come right back . I said , " All right , just make sure you wear your seat belt , and come right home . " It was my father 's birthday and my 3 yr . old daughter , Therese , was already at my father 's house waiting for us to come over with the cake I had yet to pick up at the store . I left to pick Paul up at school , but decided to take the highway , rather than the shortcut along the back roads . After leaving the school , Paul and I ran in the store for the cake and some last minute goodies . As we were getting into the car , we heard and saw paramedics , fire trucks , three ambulances and of course a multitude of police cars . I got a sick feeling in my stomach and said to Paul , " Somebody needs our prayers , quick . " I wondered if there was a fire or a bad car accident . At one of the intersections I had to stop to let more emergency vehicles through , and prayed , " Lord , those people need you right now , go to them and place your protective hand over them . " We stopped at my parents to drop off the food , before going home to pick up Kathleen , but my father met me at the car and told us to not to rush , the party could wait a bit , because Therese had fallen asleep . " Which way did you go to the school ? " he asked , " Because there was a bad accident on the back road , I heard someone was killed . It happened just about the time you had to pick up Paul at the school and I know you always go that way . I was so happy to see you pull in , where 's Kathleen ? " I explained I was going back home to get her . As I drove the short distance home , I couldn 't help but worry what if she was involved in the accident ? I ran in the house and called out her name , dead silence . Then , the phone rang . It was her friend 's mother , who worked in the emergency room of our local hospital . She only told me that the three of At the hospital emergency room , I could hear one of the paramedics softly talking to another parent there , saying " I 'm so sorry , so very sorry " . I rushed by him and found the doctor in the hallway . He looked at me and asked if I believed in God , and with that my knees gave way . I wasn 't ready to accept the fact that Kathleen might be . . . " Oh please , not my girl " . " No , " he said , " you don 't understand , do you believe in divine intervention ? " I sammered , a weak , " Yes . " Not having a clue what he was talking about . He smiled at me and asked , " Do you know what shirt your daughter is wearing tonight ? " Nodding no , he told me to go down the hall and look . " Your daughter is blessed with angels and so are you . From what the emergency personnel told me , there is no way that your daughter should be alive , let alone only have a few scratches . " Kathleen was laying on a cart , waiting for more x - rays . When I got to her , we both sobbed . As I was hugging her I had the urge to check her shirt , unzipping her jacket . I read the words , " Jesus Saves . " I knew then , what the doctor had meant . All three were treated and released . On the way home that night , Kathleen told this story : " It was really weird , about a quarter of a mile before the accident , I said , ' Wait , we forgot to put our seat belts on , my Mother will kill me . ' Then a car was coming towards us in our lane , he swerved , and I knew we got hit in the passenger side of the car , where I was sitting . We got hit a total of three times because the car kept spinning in a circle . I felt his little brother 's hand on my shoulder , holding me tightly in place . " But Mom , after it was all over , I could still feel the hand on my shoulder . I looked and his little brother had flown out the back window of the car , as we later found out , on the first spin . " It was an angel , Mom , I know it ! " I knew it too , especially when we went the next day to look at the car , it had been split in half , right underneath my daughter 's seat . The driver of the other car , witnesses said , must have been traveling between 90 - 95 miles per hour and the point of impact was directly at Kathleen 's door . The police report stated that the car door was found fifty feet away from the accident scene , with the seat belt attached . So when the door broke loose , " the hand " was the only thing that saved my daughter 's life . I have been meaning to write this story for the past couple of years . Kathleen just turned 21 . While I was writing this I smiled and cried , but it 's all true . My name is Susan Rule . I am thirty - two years old and from New Jersey . I would just like to start out by giving God all the glory and praise for letting me be here to share this with you . I grew up in a Christian home with loving parents and two wonderful sisters . I was very involved in church up till about the age of seventeen , then my friends came first . My addiction started out by smoking and drinking alcohol . By the age of twenty - one I lived in the bars day and night . I started lying and stealing from my own family . I met my boyfriend who I loved very much and we moved in together . My boyfriend was involved in drugs and we started selling them out of our apartment . At first I was able to just sell the drugs and not use them . After a while of watching people come into my home and get high I started getting very courious , and I started using . Heroin became my best friend I always had to have it to get through my day . Heroin is a drug that if you don 't have it , you will do anything for it . I remember the last time my boyfriend and I went to pick up our package , we saw someone on the side of the road being searched . I remember us looking at each other and saying that will never happen to us , we have been doing this to for to long . Well , on the way home it did happen to us , I remember being on the side of the road and just being so humiliated and embarrassed . By that evening I was being booked and entered the county jail , they had taken my boyfriend to an another jail because of outstanding warrants . I remember just feeling so alone at that point . For the first week I just basically stayed to myself , I was very sick and weak , from coming off the heroin . I decided to call my parents after I started feeling better . My father came immediately to see me , my mother just couldn 't bare to see me . I could just see the hurt in my fathers eyes as he asked me what my plans were if I got out of jail . I didn 't know at that point in my life , I was tired and ready to just die . A few weeks later I finally called my mother and told her I was ready to get some help , she told me of the Walter Hoving Home which is a sixteen month Christian residential program for women . My parents bailed me out and took me to New York to the program . Since then I have dedicated my life to the Lord . God has helped me reconcile with my family , God has help me build up and my self - esteem , and God has even given me a hope and a future . I complete the program on July 31st , and I am already working as a staff member here . I thank god for forgiving my sins and making me his child . If anyone knows any women with a drug or alcohol problem , please tell them to call the Walter Hoving Home at ( 845 ) 424 - 3674 . We were at Lake Ozark , Missouri , for our churches annual 8 day celebration . My husband Leo and I sang in the Choir . On Tuesday morning we sang backup music to open the worship service . We had just finished practicing for choir and I came down from the stage to my seat for church services . It wasn 't long before Mrs . Petcu ( my daughter 's mother - in - law ) was at the end of our isle motioning for me to come to her . She said , " I noticed you smiling and waving and thought maybe you haven 't heard . " I said , " Heard what ? " She said , " Ronda ( my daughter ) and Matt ( my grandson ) were in a camper that blew - up and have been taken to the hospital . " My heart just almost stopped ! She continued saying that they were in an explosion / implosion and they were burned . I started looking around for Stacy ( my daughter ) and she was looking for me . We found each other just about the same time the announcement for prayers for my daughter , her son and the Mitchell 's , some good friends of ours , came over the speaker . My heart fell to the floor and my knees went weak . I asked my husband and my brother to watch Stacy 's son . Stacy and I went to the hospital . They weren 't there . They transferred them to another hospital up in Columbia . They were immediately placed in the Burn Unit . Now I was frantic and the only thing I could think was , " Oh God , please let them be OK ! I came out of that driveway and went the wrong way to Columbia , which turned out to be good because Stacy saw our friend , Donny , who pulled over , so did we , and we found out what happened . Ronda and Matt were having breakfast with Donny and Donny 's parents and Grandma . As they were eating their eggs , Mrs . Jean Mitchell ( Donny 's mom ) , smelled gas , and Mr . Don Mitchell ( Donny 's dad ) , said he would check it out . He lit a match and the gas exploded . Donny was telling me that Ronda was O . K . , but Matt was burned a couple of places on his face and that he was coming from the hospital and Ronda needed clothes for her and Matt , and Donny needed to go see how Mom and Grandma were . I said , " O . K . , NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF YOUR ACTIONS Author Unknown One day , when I was a freshman in high school , I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school . His name was Kyle . It looked like he was carrying all of his books . I thought to myself , " Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday ? He must really be a nerd . " I had quite a weekend planned ( parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon ) , so I shrugged my shoulders and went on . As I was walking , I saw a bunch of kids running toward him . They ran at him , knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt . His glasses went flying , and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him . He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes . My heart went out to him . So , I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses , and I saw a tear in his eye . As I handed him his glasses , I said , " Those guys are jerks . They really should get lives . " He looked at me and said , " Thanks ! " There was a big smile on his face . It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude . I helped him pick up his books , and asked him where he lived . As it turned out , he lived near me , so I asked him why I had never seen him before . He said he had gone to private school . I would have never hung out with a private school kid before . We talked all the way home , and I carried his books . He turned out to be a pretty cool kid . I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends . He said yes . We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle , the more I liked him , and my friends thought the same of him . Monday morning came , and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again . I stopped him and said , " Boy , you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday ! " He just laughed and handed me half the books . Over the next four years , Kyle and I became best friends . When we were seniors , we began to think about college . Kyle decided on Georgetown , and I was going to Duke . I knew that we would always be friends , that the miles would never be a problem . He was going to be a doctor , and I was going for business on a football scholarship . Kyle was valedictorian of our class . I teased him all the time about being a nerd . He had to prepare a speech for graduation . I was so glad it wasn 't me having to get up there and speak . Graduation day , I saw Kyle . He looked great . He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school . He filled out and actually looked good in glasses . He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him . Boy , sometimes I was jealous . Today was one of those days . I could see that he was nervous about his speech . So , I smacked him on the back and said , " Hey , big guy , you 'll be great ! " He looked at me with one of those looks ( the really grateful one ) and smiled . " Thanks , " he said . As he started his speech , he cleared his throat , and began . " Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years . Your parents , your teachers , your siblings , maybe a coach . . . but mostly your friends . I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them . I am going to tell you a story . " I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met . He had planned to kill himself over the weekend . He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn 't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home . He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile . " Thankfully , I was saved . My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable . " I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome , popular boy told us all about his weakest moment . I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile . Not until that moment did I realize it 's depth . Never underestimate the power of your actions . With one small gesture you can change a person 's life , for better or for worse . God puts us all in each other 's lives to impact one another in some way . Look for God in others . He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in . In the middle of the room was a large round table . In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew , which smelled delicious and made the holy man 's mouth water . The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly . They appeared to be famished . They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful . But because the handle was longer than their arms , they could not get the spoons back into their mouths . The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering . They went to the next room and opened the door . It was exactly the same as the first one . There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man 's mouth water . The people were equipped with the same long - handled spoons , but here the people were well nourished and plump , laughing and talking . The holy man said , " I don 't understand . " " It is simple , " said the Lord . " It requires but one skill . You see they have learned the secret to happiness . . . . . feed one another . " WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN ? Clarence Schultz Then someone said that teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave . And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don 't want any bad publicity , and we surely don 't want to be sued . And we accepted their reasoning . And the entertainment industry said , let 's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity , violence , and illicit sex . And let 's record music that encourages homosexuality , rape , drugs , murder , suicide , and satanic themes . And we said it 's just entertainment , it has no adverse effect , and nobody takes it seriously anyway , so go right ahead . Therefore , now we 're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience , why they don 't know right from wrong , and why it doesn 't bother them to kill strangers , their classmates , and themselves . Probably , if we think about it long and hard enough , we can figure it out . I think it has a great deal to do with . . . " we reap what we sow . " A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package . What food might this contain ? The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap . Retreating to the farmyard , the mouse proclaimed the warning : There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever . Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . But his wife 's sickness continued , so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them , the farmer butchered the pig . The farmer 's wife did not get well ; she died . So many people came for her funeral , the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them . During my second month of nursing school , our professor gave us a pop quiz . I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions , until I read the last one : " What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school ? " Surely this was some kind of joke . I had seen the cleaning woman several times . She was tall , dark - haired and in her 50s , but how would I know her name ? I handed in my paper , leaving the last question blank . Just before class ended , one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade . " Absolutely , " said the professor . " In your careers , you will meet many people . All are significant . They deserve your attention and care , even if all you do is smile and say ' hello ' . " " I 've never forgotten that lesson . I also learned her name was Dorothy . One night , at 11 : 30 PM , an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm . Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride . Soaking wet , she decided to flag down the next car . A young white man stopped to help her , generally unheard of in those conflict - filled 1960s . The man took her to safety , helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab . She seemed to be in a big hurry , but wrote down his address and thanked him . Seven days went by and a knock came on the man 's door . To his surprise , a giant console color TV was delivered to his home . A special note was attached . It read : " Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night . The rain drenched not only my clothes , but also my spirits . Then you came along . Because of you , I was able to make it to my dying husband 's bedside just before he passed away . God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others . Sincerely , Mrs . Nat King Cole " . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Third Important Lesson ~ Always remember those who serve you . In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less , a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table . A waitress put a glass of water in front of him . " How much is an ice cream sundae ? " he asked . " Fifty cents , " replied the waitress . The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it . " Well , how much is a plain dish of ice cream ? " he inquired . By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient . " Thirty - five cents , " she brusquely replied . " The little boy again counted his coins . " I 'll have the plain ice cream , " he said . The waitress brought the ice cream , put the bill on the table and walked away . The boy finished the ice cream , paid the cashier and left . When the waitress came back , she began to cry as she wiped down the table . There , placed neatly beside the empty dish , were two nickels and five cents - You see , he couldn 't have the sundae , because he had to haIn ancient times , a King had a boulder placed on a roadway . Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock . Some of the king 's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it . Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear , but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way . Then , a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables . Upon approaching the boulder , the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road . After much pushing and straining , he finally succeeded . After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables , he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been . The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway . The peasant learned what many of us never understand . Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Fifth Important Lesson ~ Always remember to love others no matter what the cost . Many years ago , when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital , I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and seriousdisease . Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5 - year old brother , who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness . The doctor explained the situation to her little brother , and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister . I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying , " Yes , I 'll do it if it will save her . . . " As the transfusion progressed , he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled as we all did , seeing the color returning to her cheeks . Then , his face grew pale and his smile faded . He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice , " Will I start to die right away ? " Being young , the little boy had misunderstood the doctor ; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her . You see , understanding and attitude , after all , is everything . Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk .

Ghost in the Tunnels is a work in progress - I think I know where it 's going from here - I hate to start these things with an idea that just stops because I didn 't think it through ! Some of my other ideas I 'm working on are rewriting some scenes from Pern , with a different outcome , and those are rather intimidating . . . This is just a fun Pern story that doesn 't need to be in a particular Pass ! Sarla stepped cautiously down the hallway , her hand on the cover of the glowbasket . If Dralina caught her sneaking off with a perfectly good glow she 'd raise welts ; she couldn 't abide waste . Sarla sighed ; she tried hard to please her foster mother , but she hated sitting still and sewing . Who wanted to make quilts when there was a maze of unused tunnels in the back of the Hold ? She had so little free time , between lessons and chores , but she always tried to get done early so she could go exploring . Today was going well ; Harper Tristio had let the children out early so he could talk to the runner who had come in with a message . She would have nearly two hours before anyone would start looking for her . Sarla smiled as she turned the corner , and opened up the glow ; she was out of sight now . She walked quickly past the two tunnels she had thoroughly explored , and turned down the next one . It was not much longer than the first tunnel had been ; the second one had been long , with many chambers to explore . This one looked like it was blocked by a rock fall . Sarla grimaced ; she hated to have to turn back before she 'd seen anything new . She kept walking . Maybe she could get past the rocks . She tried shifting a few , but that only made more rocks slide down the pile . She climbed up on one of the larger ones to try to see over the top , but there wasn 't any gap she could squeeze through . She sat down , pouting a little ; she had been looking forward to this trip , but it wasn 't working out ! As she set the glowbasket down on the rock next to her , the shifting light chased away all the shadows except one . Sarla looked again , startled : it wasn 't a shadow , it was an opening in the wall ! She scrambled down to investigate . The opening led to a tunnel longer than the light from the glow could reach . Sarla grinned in anticipation . The tunnel wasn 't quite tall enough to stand up in , which was strange ; she had been able to walk easily through all the others she had explored . Why would they not have finished the tunnel , she wondered as she crawled on her hands and knees , shoving the glow ahead of her . Her patience was finally rewarded : the tunnel widened out into a small chamber , not much bigger than her sleeping room . She held out the glow as she knelt in the entrance . " Hello . " " Sarla ? " Dralina knocked on the door of her foster daughter 's sleeping room . No one answered . " Sarla , are you in there ? Are you ready to leave ? The dragonrider will be here any minute . You don 't want to disappoint your father ! " She knocked again . " Sarla ! Answer me ! " There was no response . Dralina sighed and opened the door . " Sarla - ! " She blinked in surprise ; there was no one in the room . She stood there a moment , thinking , and her eyes lit upon the empty glow rack above the bed . " Not again ! " Sarla couldn 't think where she was . She opened her eyes to a dim , flickering light . Her head hurt . " Oh ! " She sat upright . She was still in the back room ; the light came from the glow , which had partially spilled onto the floor when she dropped it . She hurriedly began scooping it back into the basket , heedless of the bits that clung to her hands and spilled onto her tunic , when a noise behind her made her jump and spill it again . Annoyed , she turned around to berate whoever had startled her , then gasped in surprise . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to startle you . Are you all right ? " The little boy looked anxiously up at her . " You were asleep for a long time . " Sarla was staring at him . She had never seen this boy in her life , and she knew everyone in the Hold . " I - I 'm all right , I think , " she said slowly . " I 'm Sarla . Who are you ? " " My name is Tabiollo , but everyone calls me Tabby , " he said shyly . " I 'm five . I 've never seen you before . Are you here to visit ? " " No … " Sarla couldn 't stop staring . The boy 's clothes looked strange somehow … it was hard to see them in the dim light from the spilled glow . She started gathering up the spillage again , sneaking looks at him . " I 'm nine , and I 've lived here since I was three . I 've never seen you either . Who is your mother ? " The boy 's face seemed to crumple up . " I don 't have a mother . She got sick , and then she went away . " " Sudina ? " " Yes , Dralina ? " The headwoman of Telgar Hold , Sudina was always busy , but she was easy to talk to . She turned around to face Dralina , who looked both irritated and worried . " Sudina , I can 't find Sarla . I think she 's gone off into the back tunnels again ; the glow was missing from her room . " Sudina sighed . " Dralina , Tristio let the children out early today . She 's entitled to some free time . She always comes back in time to do her chores , doesn 't she ? " " Yes , she 's been a big help with them . Maybe they 'll be able to sense where she is . " Sudina concentrated for a moment , then looked up to see her fire lizards zip through the doorway . They knew to stay out of the kitchen unless invited . She held out her hands ; bronze Tooli settled on her right shoulder , and blue Frinzie on her left forearm . They chirped inquiringly at her , and she smiled . " All right , fellows , I have a job for you ! " They chittered excitedly , anticipating the treats she always gave them when they performed a task correctly . Sudina knew they were smarter than most of the people in the Hold were aware of . She pictured Sarla in her mind and heard the fire lizards acknowledge the image ; they liked Sarla . She gave them treats too . " Find Sarla ! Show me where she is ! " They chittered at her and went between . Sarla immediately felt more sympathetic . She had heard that one of the cotholds had had a lot of people die of fever recently . " It 's all right , Ta - Tabby , " she said comfortingly . " My mother died when I was a baby . My father is still alive , but he 's a dragonrider … he couldn 't take care of me so he sent me here . I don 't see him very much … Oh ! " " Oh , I can 't believe I forgot … I was supposed to visit my father today ! I must be late by now … I 've got to go ! " Sarla jumped to her feet , careful not to spill the glow for a third time . " Oh ! What 's that ? " Tabby exclaimed as the two fire lizards flew in through the tunnel . They hovered around Sarla 's head , scolding , then noticed Tabby . Squeaking in surprise , they winked out of sight . " Oh ! " " They 're Sudina 's fire lizards … she must have sent them to find me . I 've got to go , Tabby - you 'd better come with me . You shouldn 't be back here all by yourself . You could get hurt in a rockslide or something … " " What do you mean ? Are you hurt ? " Sarla raised the glow , trying to get a better look , but the light didn 't seem to help . " No … " He seemed uncertain . " It was a long time ago . " " That 's my foster mother , Dralina . I need to go now . Come on , Tabby . " She turned to start the crawl back through the narrow tunnel , but couldn 't hear him following . She sighed in exasperation . " Are you coming or not ? " She turned back around to glare at him and almost dropped the glow again . There was no one else in the room . Sarla crawled out of the tunnel to find her foster mother towering over her . " Sarla ! Where have you been ? Your father will be here any minute ! It would serve you right if he leaves you here for making him wait . You should have been ready by now . What were you doing in there ? " " I was exploring , and I lost track of time ! " Sarla said , trying to defend herself . " I 'm sorry I 'm late . I was talking to the new boy . " Dralina was still hustling Sarla along , but gave her a strange look . " Sarla , there haven 't been any new children in weeks . I never heard of one named Tabby . Was he at lessons today ? " Dralina pressed her lips together . " Come on . I 'll put some numbweed on that bruise . " They had reached the living area . " You go take the fastest bath in your life while I get the numbweed . I 've laid out some clean clothes for you . I 'll be back in five minutes . " Five minutes later , Dralina was applying numbweed while Sarla struggled with the ties on the front of her new dress . " I hope Tabby 's all ri - ouch ! all right , " Sarla said . " Oh ! There must be another tunnel out through that room . He must have gone out that way . " " Come on ! You don 't keep a dragonrider waiting . Even if he is your father . Sarla , there aren 't any boys named Tabby . What did you say his name is ? " " Quiet ! " They had reached the door to the courtyard where M ' rel and brown Graith were waiting ; Sudina was offering him a mug of klah and laughing at something he had said . Tooli and Frinzie had curled up between Graith 's wings . " Now , mind your manners ! " They walked across the courtyard . " Sarla ! There you are ! Good day to you , Dralina , " M ' rel said , bowing to his daughter 's foster mother . " She must be making it up . She says she talked to a five - turn - old boy named Tabby , and there 's no one by that name living in the Hold . I just don 't understand why she keeps going on about it ! " Sarla was in tears . " But I 'm not making it up ! He was there ! He talked to me ! He said his mother is dead , and he 'd never seen fire lizards before ! Why won 't you believe me ? " " I think she may be telling the truth . Graith says the fire lizards saw two people in the back room - Sarla and someone they didn 't know . " " Oh ! " Sudina was surprised . " Is that what they were trying to tell me ? I knew they were upset but I couldn 't figure out why . " She is telling the truth , Graith said again , this time so that everyone could hear . Sarla ran over to him , wiping her eyes . " Oh , thank you , Graith ! Thank you for believing me ! " She threw her arms around as much of the dragon 's great neck as she could reach . M ' rel smothered a chuckle ; Graith never knew what to think when she did something like that . " The poor thing ! " exclaimed Sudina . " We 'll have to search the hold . Maybe my fire lizards can find him . " " Oh , let me help ! " Sarla said eagerly . " I know a lot of the old tunnels - " " Come on , Sarla , " M ' rel said gently . " The harper will have a map of the tunnels . We were supposed to spend the day together , remember ? I don 't know when I 'll be able to do this again . " " All right , " Sarla said reluctantly . She climbed nimbly up Graith 's foreleg and waited for her father to join her . Grabbing the riding straps , she gasped with delight as the big brown launched into the air . " Where are we going ? " she asked in eager anticipation . They emerged into a startling heat , over a white beach and sparkling blue - green water . " Oh ! " she exclaimed . " It 's so beautiful ! Where are we ? " M ' rel chuckled . " We 're in the Southern Continent , " he called back as Graith circled to land . " I thought you 'd like to go someplace warm for a change . " No sooner had they landed than Sarla had scrambled down and was running towards the water 's edge . She picked up a shell and started to reach for one under the water , but then remembered that she was wearing her best dress . She trudged back to her father carrying the dry shell . " What 's the matter , sweetheart ? " M ' rel grinned secretively . " Why don 't you see what 's in here while I go and pick us some fruit ? " He handed her the leather pack that had been fascened to the riding harness and strolled off down the beach . Sarla tore open the pack . Inside were several thick towels , a large flask of fresh water , and a simple linen shift that she could wear in the water ! Looking to make sure her father was really out of sight , Sarla slipped out of the heavy dress and into the light shift . She even remembered to fold her dress neatly on top of her shoes before racing back down to the water . Loud splashing soon followed . " I 'll make an extra trip just for you ! " M ' rel assured her . They walked together to the Hold door , where Sudina stood waiting . " Good night , Sarla . " Sarla was finishing her morning meal the next day when she finally remembered Tabby . Ashamed at herself for having forgotten him , she went off at once to find Sudina . In her hurry she did not notice that several people were looking at her strangely . She found the Headwoman in the back of the kitchen , already supervising the preparation of the midday meal . " Sudina ? " Sarla said hesitantly . Sudina turned around , startled . Sarla concentrated . " He said he was five , and his name was Tabby , only that was short for something else - Tabollo , I think it was . " She paused a moment , remembering . " He said he didn 't have a mother - she got sick . " She frowned . " I think he said he 'd been in a rock fall but he wasn 't hurt that I could see . Then I remembered that I was supposed to meet my father - M ' rel - and I left . Tabby wouldn 't come with me but when I looked back he wasn 't in the room . I don 't remember there being another tunnel but there must have been . " She looked up at the harper . " That 's all I remember . Is that enough ? " " Let me explain , Sarla . " Tristio took a deep breath . " Yesterday Sudina came and told me there was a search going on in the Hold , that they were looking for a little boy named Tabby that you had seen back in the tunnels . She wanted me to look through the Records to see if I could find a map of those back tunnels . I also found a Record that described a series of rock falls after an earth shake about eighty Turns ago ; everyone was moved out and that section of tunnels was abandoned , because many people were injured - and several people were killed . " He leaned forward and took a Record from the table between them . " Sarla , would you read the names of the people who were killed in those rock falls ? " She reached out and took the faded hide , wondering . Skimming down past the description of the fallen tunnels , she began to read the list of names . " Pantira , age seventy - three ; Nirella , age thirty - nine ; Allore , age fourteen ; Tabiollo , age - five - " She stared at the words . " Tabiollo … that 's what he said his name was , Tabiollo . But not the same one - " " I believe it is the same one , Sarla , " Tristio said gently . " The entire Hold was searched . Sudina 's fire lizards flew through the smallest of tunnels - and they can see very well in the dark . They found no one . " " Yes , but no one else has seen him . There is no explanation for that , and the fact remains : you met a boy named Tabiollo who is five and was in a rock fall . Eighty Turns ago a five - Turn - old boy named Tabiollo was in a rock fall . " " I don 't know . " Tristio sighed . " We don 't know what happens when a person dies . Their personality , their feelings - everything that made them a person - leaves , but we don 't know where . Maybe it goes between , like the dragons do - " " Well , wherever they go , it is logical to believe that they do go somewhere . Maybe Tabiollo got lost down there in the tunnels . I don 't know . I do know that there is no living boy in this Hold who fits your description - and a long - dead one who does . " Sarla stared at him , unable to speak . How could he say such things ? Surely Tabby - but it was not just the harper 's word , but a Record written before she was born . She knew they couldn 't both be wrong , but she could not understand how they could be right . She placed the Record carefully back on the table and asked , " May I go now ? " " Yes , that was all . " Tristio watched as she left the room , moving as if in a dream ; he knew she must be in shock . He was in some shock as well , but managed to keep the look off of his face that had been on the faces of those in the Dining Hall that morning . Tristio was busy copying some faded music scores when Dralina knocked on his open door . " Tristio , do you know where Sarla went ? No one 's seen her since the childrens ' lessons this morning . " She hesitated . " You talked to her about - yesterday ? " His face looked tired . " Yes , I explained it to her - what little I understand . She went off looking so lost . " He sighed . " I could hear the children jeering at her as she left , but she ran off before I could stop them . Children always seem to want to persecute what they don 't understand - and this is something that none of us understands . " Dralina echoed his sigh . " Well , she 's been hiding for hours now ! I should have expected that the other children would be making fun of her after all the fuss yesterday . It 's not just the children who are acting up , either . " " Well , we had a dragon 's word that there was a boy , " Dralina pointed out ironically . " We just assumed the boy was alive . " " But he wasn 't , and everyone in the main Hold knows about it now . " " I agree . It will be a long time before this is forgotten , and Sarla is a very sensitive child . She has a hard time with any kind of teasing , and as you said , it 's not just the children looking at her strangely … Dralina , have you considered sending her to the Weyr ? " Dralina caught her breath . " You think that 's the only way ? " " It may come to that , " Tristio said earnestly . " You said yourself she 's been reduced to hiding all the time - no child deserves that . " She 's old enough she wouldn 't be too much trouble , and it would be a fresh start . No one would know about - all that 's happened - except M ' rel . And having a father in the Weyr would be reason enough for us to send her there , now that she 's a little older . " Dralina looked stricken . " I hate to do that … Saranda , Sarla 's mother , was like a sister to me . I promised her I 'd always take care of her … Can 't it wait ? Can 't we wait a few days , and see ? " " Of course , " Tristio said gently , " but you must consider what is best for Sarla . " I will send a message for the Weyr harper to pass on to Nurevi , the Headwoman ; she 'll know who might want a fosterling and she 's very discreet . It will be at least a sevenday before I get a reply , and maybe things will have gotten better by then . " They were both silent for a moment , aware that he didn 't believe that . Sarla stumbled down the familiar tunnel , heedless of the rough walls . She shook angry tears from her eyes ; she wasn 't going to cry . She was going to run away ; she was going to join a trader caravan or go live in the Igen Caverns , or take a boat down to the Southern Continent and live in a jungle so thick that not even Graith could find her . She was … She raised the glow , looking all around , and tried to remember which tunnel she had taken at the main fork . She must have gone past the one with the rock fall , and run down the next one . She retraced her steps until she could see the fork again , then continued more cautiously down the tunnel . It curved gradually to the right , then straightened out again . Sarla felt a slight breeze on her face before the small pool of light from the glow revealed that the tunnel opened out into a larger passageway . She hesitated , then turned left , toward the source of the fresh air . Sarla walked along the passage , ignoring the tunnels that branched out from either side . Suddenly she was aware that it was no longer completely dark . She walked faster , and turned a corner to see another rock fall . The side wall had collapsed across the tunnel floor , leaving a gaping hole through which a few rays of fading sunlight were shining . Sarla went over to the side of the tunnel furthest away from the rock fall , hoping that she would be able to get past this one . " Sara ? " Sarla continued to stare at him . As he made his way toward her , one of the rays of sunlight fell across his shoulder ; she gasped silently as she realized that she could see through his arm to the boulder behind him . There was no doubt now that what Tristio had suggested was true : Tabby was the boy who had been killed in the rock fall eighty Turns before , but he was still there in the tunnel . She tried to think of what to ask him . " You said , when I was here before , that you had been in a rock fall . Do - do you remember that ? " He nodded . " It was a long time ago , " he said solemnly . " It was really loud . I was late getting out of bed , and then I was running down the hall to get to breakfast on time , and then it was really loud and the rocks fell down . " He started crying . " They were all over me , and I hurt all over , and then I couldn 't breathe , and I heard people yelling , and then all of a sudden it didn 't hurt anymore . " " Oh , don 't cry ! " Forgetting her uneasiness , Sarla went over to him and sat down next to him . " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry ! " he sobbed . " She let me call her Relly ! " Tabby sobbed . " She didn 't let anyone else call her Relly . She said I was special . And I made her get hurt ! " Sarla realized that Tabby seemed to think that he had been responsible for the rock fall . " But it wasn 't your fault , Tabby , " she said gently . " It wasn 't your fault the rocks fell down . " Tabby just shook his head and kept crying . Sarla suddenly thought of something else . " Tabby , is - is Nirella here too ? Has she been here since the rocks fell ? " He sniffed and shook his head . " Relly left , and so did Auntie Tiri and ' Llore . But I didn 't know where to go , and Relly always said not to go anywhere I didn 't know without her . But she left . " Sarla stumbled down the familiar tunnel , heedless of the rough walls . She shook angry tears from her eyes ; she wasn 't going to cry . She was going to run away ; she was going to join a trader caravan or go live in the Igen Caverns , or take a boat down to the Southern Continent and live in a jungle so thick that not even Graith could find her . She was … She raised the glow , looking all around , and tried to remember which tunnel she had taken at the main fork . She must have gone past the one with the rock fall , and run down the next one . She retraced her steps until she could see the fork again , then continued more cautiously down the tunnel . It curved gradually to the right , then straightened out again . Sarla felt a slight breeze on her face before the small pool of light from the glow revealed that the tunnel opened out into a larger passageway . She hesitated , then turned left , toward the source of the fresh air . Sarla walked along the passage , ignoring the tunnels that branched out from either side . Suddenly she was aware that it was no longer completely dark . She walked faster , and turned a corner to see another rock fall . The side wall had collapsed across the tunnel floor , leaving a gaping hole through which a few rays of afternoon sunlight were shining . Sarla went over to the side of the tunnel furthest away from the rock fall , hoping that she would be able to get past this one . " Sara ? " Sarla continued to stare at him . As he made his way toward her , one of the rays of sunlight fell across his shoulder ; she gasped silently as she realized that she could see through his arm to the boulder behind him . There was no doubt now that what Tristio had suggested was true : Tabby was the boy who had been killed in the rock fall eighty Turns before , but he was still there in the tunnel . She tried to think of what to ask him . " You said , when I was here before , that you had been in a rock fall . Do - do you remember that ? " He nodded . " It was a long time ago , " he said solemnly . " It was really loud . I was late getting out of bed , and then I was running down the hall to get to breakfast on time , and then it was really loud and the rocks fell down . " He started crying . " They were all over me , and I hurt all over , and then I couldn 't breathe , and I heard people yelling , and then all of a sudden it didn 't hurt anymore . " " Oh , don 't cry ! " Forgetting her uneasiness , Sarla went over to him and sat down next to him . " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry ! " he sobbed . " She let me call her Relly ! " Tabby sobbed . " She didn 't let anyone else call her Relly . She said I was special . And I made her get hurt ! " Sarla realized that Tabby seemed to think that he had been responsible for the rock fall . " But it wasn 't your fault , Tabby , " she said gently . " It wasn 't your fault the rocks fell down . " Tabby just shook his head and kept crying . Sarla suddenly thought of something else . " Tabby , is - is Nirella here too ? Has she been here since the rocks fell ? " He sniffed and shook his head . " Relly left , and so did Auntie Tiri and ' Llore . But I didn 't know where to go , and Relly always said not to go anywhere I didn 't know without her . But she left . " Sarla didn 't know what to say . She looked around ; under a thick layer of dust she could see the rotted remains of rushes in a small bed frame , with a chest at the foot . " Is this your room ? " Tabby looked around and sniffled . " Yes , that 's my bed and my box … Relly 's room was through there , but it 's under the rocks now . " He walked over to the bed . Sarla followed , still looking at the chest . It had the name TABIOLLO carved on the lid . " What 's in here ? " she asked . " My treasures , " he answered shyly . " Do you want to see them ? " " I 'd like that … " Sarla hesitated , wondering if Tabby could open the box , then reached down and lifted the lid herself . The contents , only slightly less dusty than the lid , looked like the things she kept in her own little box : a stuffed doll … two thirty - second marks … some shiny pebbles … a piece of hide with the alphabet written on it , and charcoal marks where it had been copied and rubbed off numerous times . Sarla gingerly lifted this and gasped with delight at what lay underneath . She carefully picked up the carved wooden dragon and moved so that the ray of sunlight fell upon it . It was a perfect dragon in flight , with only one cracked wingtip . " It 's beautiful , Tabby ! Where did you get it ? " " My father is a dragonrider , too ! " Sarla suddenly felt a kinship with Tabby . She continued running her fingers over the smooth wood . They sat in silence for several minutes . Sarla was wondering how Tabby 's mother had felt living in the Hold without a father . She was jolted out of her thoughts by a distant rumbling , and then the floor shook . An earth shake ! She jumped up , wildly looking around for the entrance . A chunk of rock bigger than her head fell from the ceiling and smashed right in the tunnel 's entrance . Sarla ran for the collapsed side wall , as the entrance to the tunnel fell in . Tabby was right behind her . " Sara ! " he cried , sounding even more scared than she was . " Sara , it 's happening again ! " Sarla stood by the hole in the wall , gasping for breath . The shaking had stopped , but smaller pieces of rock were still falling from the ceiling . Tabby was sobbing in terror . " I want Relly ! " he wailed . " Relly , where are you ? " " It 's all right , it 's all right ! I 'm here , I 'm here . " Tabby 's head shot up , and his face was suffused with joy . Sarla jumped as a strange woman stepped from the shadows and came toward them , but Tabby leaped to his feet and ran to her , throwing his arms around her legs . " Relly , Relly , you came back Relly ! I was scared , I was scared ! Why didn 't you come before ? I missed you ! " " Shh , shhh , it 's all right , Tabby , " the woman said , bending down to pick him up . He threw his arms around her neck and clung tightly . " Easy , now , don 't squeeze so hard ! I 'm sorry I didn 't come sooner . I don 't know why … it didn 't seem like any time had passed , but then I heard you scream … I 'm so sorry I didn 't get to you in time ! " Her gentle voice was shaking . " I was coming back for you , Tabby , truly I was ! " She was quick to comfort him . " No , no , love , it was no one 's fault . No one could have predicted there would be a shake , or that the roof of this tunnel would fall in … none of us had time to run . " She appeared to notice Sarla for the first time . " Who is your friend , Tabby ? " She sounded startled . " That 's Sara - " " Sarla , " she interrupted . He made a face at he and went on . " She was exploring and found my room . Can I give her my dragon ? " " Of course , " Nirella said slowly . " You can 't keep it anyway … would you like that , dear ? " she asked Sarla . Sarla nodded , wide - eyed . " Relly , where were you ? " Tabby asked plaintively . " I waited for you , you said not to go anywhere by myself , and then you left . Am I going with you now ? " " Yes , button , we 're going now … you 've been so good waiting for me . Sarla , will you be able to get out of here ? " Sarla looked back at where she had come in . The entrance was entirely blocked . She walked to the edge of the opening in the wall and looked out onto a hillside . It was steep , but covered with boulders she could step to . " Yes , " she said hesitantly , " I think I can get out this way … " " You 'd best go soon , then , before the light fades , " Nirella said gently . " Tabby , say goodbye . " Tabby turned toward Sarla without releasing his tight hold on his foster mother . " Goodbye , Sar - la , " he said solemnly , his eyes filled with joy and fear . " Goodbye , Tabby , " she said . " Thank you for the dragon … I 'm so glad you won 't be alone now . " He beamed up at Nirella , who smiled serenely back at him , then at Sarla . " Go on now , dear . " Sarla reluctantly turned and began making her way over the rocks , clutching the wooden dragon firmly in her hand . She had dropped the glow when the shaking began ; Dralina would spank her for losing it , but she didn 't care . She stopped to catch her breath and turned back to wave at her friend , but Tabby and Nirella had vanished . The light was almost gone from the sky by the time Sarla reached the bottom of the boulder field , and she was very tired . She could see light coming from all the windows and the big main doors of the Hold , and began making her way toward them . She hoped no one had been hurt in the earth shake . She clung to the wooden dragon Tabby had given her ; no one could tell her he wasn 't real now . She was so tired … she blinked in surprise as a dragon landed by the main doors - Graith ! She began to run , her weariness forgotten in the relief of getting home . Dralina was sick with worry . No one had seen Sarla all day , and then the earth shake had caused a rockfall in the very tunnel she had been exploring when she saw … whatever it was that she saw . Several men had begun shifting the rocks , but it appeared that the entire tunnel had collapsed . Dralina had sent Sudina 's fire lizard to the Weyr to inform M ' rel ; she now waited outside for him to arrive , her face haggard . She could just make out Graith 's dark form circling to land . M ' rel was off of his dragon before his wings were furled . " What 's happened ? " M ' rel demanded . His face was anxious ; Graith 's eyes whirled yellow . " Where is she ? Is she all right ? " " There was a rock fall in the tunnel she keeps exploring , " Dralina said , her voice trembling . She would have wept , but her eyes were sore from weeping . " We don 't know that she was in there , but no one 's seen her since this morning , and we haven 't found her yet . " M ' rel sagged , leaning back against Graith , his face twisted in anguish and fear for his daughter . Suddenly Graith rumbled in surprise , turning his head to stare along the outer wall of the Hold . " What is it , Graith ? " The faceted eyes were whirling faster than ever . She is coming , he said , sounding surprised . M ' rel turned to follow the dragon 's gaze , straining to see through the dusk . " What ? Who ? Who 's coming ? " " DRALINA ! FATHER ! " Now they could see the small figure running toward them . M ' rel ran to meet Sarla , scooping her up ; Dralina caught up with him and hugged her , laughing and crying and scolding all at once . " Sarla , where have you been ? What are you doing out here ? I 've been so worried about you - there was a rockfall in that tunnel you keep going down - " " I know , I know ! " Sarla interrupted , still gasping for breath . " The tunnel collapsed and I had to go out through the hole in the wall ! " " What hole ? What hole ? " " There was a place where the outside wall was fallen . I think it was from that rockfall that other time … you know … " She hurried on in her excitement . " I had to climb down all the boulders ! And then walk all the way back here around the outside ! " " You 'll have to show us sometime , " M ' rel said , laughing . " I 'm just so glad you 're all right ! You really had us scared ! " " Gracious , yes ! " exclaimed Dralina . " Sarla , you had me scared to death ! Oh , I 'm so angry with you - but oh , you 're all right ! " Sarla squirmed out of her father 's grasp and threw her arms around Dralina . " I 'm so sorry I scared you ! But I was scared myself , too ! " Dralina began hurrying her toward the entrance . " Oh , never mind me , let 's get you inside and get you something to eat ! Oof , what 's that you 're digging into me ? " Sarla held out the dragon as they reached the light . Dralina stopped to get a better look . " Where in the world did you get this ? " Sarla didn 't know what to say . Dralina stared at her , then pulled her into the kitchen and sat her down in front of the fire . " I 'll just be a moment , Sarla … here , have some klah while I go get the stew . " Sarla obediently began sipping the klah … she suddenly felt very sleepy . Dralina returned with the stew , then left to make sure everyone knew that Sarla had been found . Sudina found her with her head down on the table , fast asleep , clinging tightly to a carved wooden dragon . Sarla awoke slowly , realizing that she had been allowed to sleep in for the second time in less than a sevenday . She was stiff all over . Stretching out in bed , she bumped something hard . Startled , she sat up , searching under the furs to see what it was . Her hand found the wooden dragon , and she gasped , suddenly awake , as she remembered the events of the day before . Tabby was gone - no one else had ever even seen him - but he had found Nirella , he wasn 't lonely or scared anymore . And he had given her , Sarla , his greatest treasure - his mother 's carved dragon . Sarla felt like crying . No one would ever believe what had happened . She got up and slowly got dressed . She was going to have to face everyone again . Maybe the other children would already be at their lessons and wouldn 't bother her until after she got something to eat . She walked down the hall , still carrying the wooden dragon ; she was half afraid it , too , would disappear . No one was in the Dining Hall , so she got herself some klah and bread from the hearth . She wondered how late it was ; she could hear the women in the kitchens . She jumped , nearly spilling her klah , and turned around . Sudina had looked out of the kitchen and seen her . She stood up as the Headwoman bustled over . " You 've had a good sleep ! I 'm so glad you weren 't hurt in that shake yesterday ! Where in the world did you get that ? " She had spotted the wooden dragon on the table . " You were holding it so tight we couldn 't get you to let go last night , even after you fell asleep ! Did you find it back in those old tunnels ? " Put on the spot , Sarla wasn 't sure whether to tell the truth or make something up , but Sudina 's words helped her . " Yes , I - I found it , " she said hastily . She hoped Sudina wouldn 't be able to tell she was fibbing . After all , she had found it - in the chest that Tabby told her to open . She shivered and drank some more klah . " Where is everyone ? " Sudina laughed . " Don 't you remember , this is a restday ! And there 's no Threadfall , so everyone 's outside enjoying the sun . Why don 't you go tell Dralina that you 're up so she knows you 're all right ? You really had everyone worried yesterday , with those rockfalls in the tunnels you 're always running off to . How in the world did you end up outside the Hold ? " Sarla quickly explained . " There was a place where the rocks had already fallen and the wall was gone . I was able to climb out that way when the roof fell in . " She shivered again , remembering how scared she had been . " Well , thank goodness you got out safely ! Go on now , I think Dralina took her mending outside . " She gave Sarla a little push toward the main doors and bustled back to the kitchen to tend to the roasts . Sarla walked slowly through the doors and out into the bright sunshine . It was late in the morning ; the shadows were getting short . Dralina was sitting just outside , smiling at the antics of some of the boys playing further out . Some of the other women had brought their handwork outside as well . She walked over to Dralina , quickening her step as her foster mother looked up and saw her coming . Dralina smiled . " Good morning , sleepyhead ! " she teased . " How are you feeling ? " " I 'm all right . I feel fine , " Sarla said . " Just stiff from climbing down those rocks , I guess . . . " Dralina stood and took her hand . " You 've got some scratches here , too . . . What 's that ? " She grabbed Sarla 's other hand , which held the dragon . " Oh , that ! Where in the world did you get that , anyway ? " " I - I found it , " Sarla said uncomfortably , avoiding her foster mother 's eyes . Dralina gave her a sharp look . " Why don 't we go walk for a bit , Sarla ? " Sarla nodded yes . Dralina set her workbasket on her chair , out of the dust , and they walked off together . Once they were out of earshot of anyone , Dralina began to speak , not looking at her . " Are you telling the truth , Sarla ? " she asked sternly . Sarla took a deep breath and obeyed . " I was in the back tunnels and Tabby was there - " Dralina inhaled sharply but said nothing . " He showed me where his room was , before - before the other rockfall . He let me open the chest , and the dragon was inside . He said I could have it ! " she said defensively . " Then the ground started shaking , and the rocks were falling , and Tabby was crying , and then suddenly Nirella was there - his foster mother from , from before . And she said I could have the dragon too . And then I went out through the hole in the wall , and when I looked back they were gone . " She started to cry . She had only known Tabby a little , but she missed him already . She was glad that he had found someone , but now he was gone . She had been a part of something special , and it was gone . Dralina started walking again , stunned at what she had just heard . How to deal with this ? It was hard enough dealing with the usual childish troubles , but a ghost ? " Well , " she said slowly , " I suppose you can keep the dragon , then . " Sarla gave a sigh of relief . " Thank you , Dralina . . . look , doesn 't it look just like Graith ? " Dralina glanced down and forced a smile . " Why , yes , it does . " She sobered up again . " Sarla , after what happened the other day , with the search , and now this - " " Oh , please don 't tell anyone ! " Sarla pleaded in sudden fright . " It 's bad enough already , I don 't want them to know any more ! " " I won 't tell anyone , I promise , " Dralina assured her . " But I do think you should tell Tristio . He 'll keep quiet about it . I think he deserves to know . " " Let 's go now , Sarla , " Dralina said gently . " It won 't be any easier if you wait , and there 's no one in Tristio 's office right now . " Sarla wanted to protest but couldn 't speak . She allowed Dralina to lead her back to the Hold , and was surprised at how far they had walked . An hour later , Tristio and Dralina were trying not to stare too hard as Sarla finished her strange tale . She had told of her first meeting with Tabby , as well as her adventures the day before . Tristio was the first to speak . " Yes , " Sarla said sadly , " Relly - Nirella came and helped him . He was just doing what she had told him - she had always said not to go anywhere without her , so he just - stayed , I guess . " She shivered again at the thought of being alone in the tunnels for so long , lost and confused , and tried not to wonder what it was like being dead . " Please don 't tell anyone , Tristio - it 'll only make things worse . " She didn 't want people making fun of Tabby . It wasn 't funny . Sarla turned to her foster mother in surprise . What was going on ? Dralina cleared her throat . " Sarla , " she said , " how would you feel about going to live in the Weyr ? " " No , " Dralina interrupted . " I would stay here , and you would have a new foster mother at the Weyr . You could see your father every day , and no one would know about - Tabby . . . " She looked intently at Sarla . " Would you like that ? " Sarla was stunned . Leave the Hold ? All of her favorite places rushed through her head - and then she remembered how awful it had been waiting for Tristio to come in for lessons the day before . A few of the children had acted as though they were afraid of her , but most of them had taunted her , bringing her to tears . She had never been very friendly with any of them anyway , and now . . . She saw that Dralina was holding back tears , and she started to cry herself . " But I 'd miss you , " she sobbed . " Why couldn 't you come too ? " Dralina was shaking her head . " My place is heere , Sarla , " she said understandingly . " But you could start over at the Weyr , make new friends . Maybe you could even stand for Impression someday . . . I really think it 's the best thing for you . " She took a deep breath and grasped Sarla 's hands . " I will let you choose whichever place you want , the Weyr or here . You can always come visit me . " She tried to smile encouragingly . " Well , Sarla ? " Tristio asked gently . " You don 't have to decide now , if you 're not ready . We just wanted you to know , you can leave here if things get too hard for you . " He patted her shoulder . " It 's always hard being different , and what you 've seen means that the people here are always going to see you as different . That 's why you should consider a new start . " Sarla 's head was spinning . She didn 't know what to say . " I . . . " she began , and faltered . " I don 't know . " " Take your time , " Dralina said . She got up , walked to the door , and opened it ; they could all hear people streaming into the Dining Hall . " It 's time for midday meal . You can think about it and let us know what you decide . " She smiled tenderly at Sarla . " I just want you to be happy . " They walked out together and walked toward the serving table . Sarla sat huddled in one of her favorite tunnels - far away from the rockfall - wondering what to do . She couldn 't imagine living anywhere else ; she knew the old tunnels better than anyone . And to leave Dralina . . . Dralina was stern , but she was like a mother to Sarla , and had been for as long as she could remember . Sarla sighed , wishing she had known her mother , Saranda . She knew that she had gone to work in the Weyr and had fallen in love with M ' rel , but after Sarla was born had gotten homesick , and finally moved back to Telgar Hold . M ' rel had been equally in love with her , for he had continued to visit her and their daughter . Then Saranda had gotten sick ; as she grew weaker , she begged Dralina , who was like a sister to her , to take care of her little girl . . . and then she had died . Sarla sighed again , almost a sob ; Dralina always cried when she told the story to her , and Sarla always made her smile again by hugging her and saying , " And you did take care of me ! " She had not thought about her mother for a long time , she realized , stroking Tabby 's dragon . Oh , if only she could have it both ways - live at the Weyr , and be able to see Dralina every day as well ! Her foster mother 's comment about standing for Impression came into her mind , and she began to daydream about Impressing a queen . She wondered how old you had to be to stand for a gold egg , and sighed again at the thought that it would probably be Turns and Turns . M ' rel had taken her to the Weyr several times - never to a Hatching , but once she had been there soon after a Hatching , when the new dragons were still growing . She had watched them playing on the lake shore , with children helping to bathe them . It was pleasant at the Weyr ; everyone was nice , especially the Headwoman . What was her name ? Nuri . . . Nurevi , that was it . Nurevi always made Sarla feel special . Nurevi would choose a good foster mother for her . . . and she would see her father every day . . . and know one would know about Tabby . . . she clutched the wooden dragon and began making her way back to the main caverns . M ' rel finished tying Sarla 's bags of belongings to Graith 's back . The wooden dragon was carefully wrapped , buried in the middle of her clothes . He jumped back to the ground and walked over to where Sarla was hugging Dralina as if she would never let go . " Whenever you 're ready , sweetheart , " he said gently , patting her shoulder . Sarla clung to Dralina for another moment , then let go and turned to hug Sudina . Tristio was next ; she didn 't hug him , but he put his hand on her shoulder . " Thank you for believing me , " she whispered . He smiled down at her and said , " Good luck , Sarla . " She returned his smile and began walking toward Graith , then suddenly turned around and ran back to Dralina , wrapping her arms around her . " I love you , Dralina , " she cried , bursting into tears . " Thank you for being my mother . " Dralina was weeping , too . Dropping to her knees , she hugged Sarla hard and said , " You be good . Be happy . Make me proud . " Dralina stood up again and managed to smile . " I 'd be honored , M ' rel . Thank you . . . well , thank you for being such a good father to her . " She gave Sarla one more hug . " Goodbye now , darling . You should go , it 's getting late . " M ' rel put his arm around his daughter and walked with her over to Graith . Sarla scrambled up the dragon 's leg ; M ' rel stepped quickly up , and strapped them both into the harness . With a whoosh and a shriek of delight from Sarla , the big brown was airborne . He circled the Hold , spiraling up to gain height , and giving her one last look ; she waved at the three down below , and then they were between . They emerged over Telgar Weyr . Sarla could see several dragons in the lake , and many more sunning on ledges . Graith landed in the Bowl , near the entrance to the Kitchen cavern , where Nurevi was waiting . She was smiling as M ' rel untied Sarla 's bags and helped her down ; he gave her a little push toward the Headwoman . " Well , here she is , Nurevi ! " he said , beaming down at Sarla . Suddenly shy , Sarla couldn 't speak . " Welcome to the Weyr , Sarla ! I hope you 'll be happy here , " Nurevi said . She was so pleasant and comfortable that Sarla felt easier almost at once . " Come on then , " the Headwoman continued , " right through here . I 've got someone waiting to meet you . " They made their way into the cavern , where a woman was sitting by the hearth . " Here she is ! This is Sarla . Sarla , this is Faldera , " Nurevi said . " She 's going to be your foster mother here . " Faldera was smiling as Sarla came up to her , and she smiled tentatively too . " Hello , Sarla , " Faldera said . " I 'm so glad you 've come . I always wanted a daughter . " " Hello , " Sarla said softly . " Well then , you can carry them to your room and start putting your things away . Maltia ! " A girl about Sarla 's age ran over . " Yes , Faldera ? " Sarla followed Maltia into a side passage . " You 're room is right next to mine , " the other girl said brightly . " We can go to meals together , if you like . " " I 'd like that ! " Sarla said happily . Maltia had slowed down a little so that she could keep up with the bags ; they weren 't too heavy , but they were awkward to carry . " Here , let me take one those , " Maltia said . Sarla willingly handed the smaller one over . Maltia looked at her curiously , and lowered her voice . " Is it true that you got caught in a rock fall during the earth shake ? " she asked in awe . " Oh , I was there in the Dining Cavern when the fire lizard came with the message for M ' rel . The poor thing was half - crazy - it took forever for it to calm down enough to get the capsule off ! I was close enough to hear M ' rel say that his daughter was missing and may have been caught in a rock fall , and then he rushed out of the Hall . He didn 't come back until after I was in bed . " She paused and looked at Sarla . " What happened ? What was it like ? " Sarla told her about the rock fall and her climb down the boulder field . Maltia 's eyes grew wide when she described the tunnel ceiling falling down . " Oh my goodness ! " she gasped . " I 'm glad you weren 't in that part of the tunnel ! " " Well . . . " Sarla wasn 't sure how much to tell her new friend . " I was exploring . I like exploring in the old tunnels , the ones in the back of the Hold , that no one uses . It 's so exciting - you never know what you 'll find - " Sarla stopped short and stared at Maltia , who gave her a conspiratorial grin . " Come on , let 's drop your things off and then I 'll show you some of my favorite tunnels . I 'm always exploring them . Just you wait - there 's a tiny little passage that goes around behind the Hatching Ground . . . " Sarla couldn 't contain herself and laughed joyfully . Everything would be all right . She had a new foster mother , and a new friend - and there were tunnels to explore !

No Country Club for Old Men was built at the bottom of a small mountain , much like everything else in Martinsville , Virginia . The town had more hills than convenience stores and the one leading up to Bob Woods ' country club was particularly steep . I biked to work and often tried to pedal the last stretch . I usually failed and ended up walking the rest of the way . Tonight was no different . A little before ten I parked my bike beside the hedges lining the driveway leading up to the club . I wiped the sweat from my face with my shirt and looked up at the mountain . Spiked and bald at the top , the rest of it was ragged with trees , its bottom hidden by the club and the only palm trees in Virginia . The sounds coming from inside were loud ; the day 's party was going late . Woods had made it clear I was not to interact with any of his guests , so I went around the side and waited by the dumpster . It wasn 't my area of choice , but it was the only place away from doors and windows . I tried to pass the time by picking up on conversations drifting from inside , but I couldn 't make much of the excited chatter . With an occasional popping noise I imagined champagne bottles and overflowing glasses , the kind that looked like upside down China - hats . I envisioned people dancing and singing karaoke in one corner and drunkenly discussing politics in another . The gaggle of laughter bunched together and began to move the length of the club , towards the front . They were finally leaving . I checked the time on my phone . It was near eleven ; I had been waiting a full hour . I stuck my head around the corner a safe distance and watched the group as they exited . Woods ' guests were surprisingly mixed in age . There were some who couldn 't be much older than myself , and others well into their fifties and possible sixties . Their ages weren 't the most intriguing , however . It was how they all seemed to enjoy the same drunken high on life . Their intoxication was almost palatable in the night air ; I thought I could smell the alcohol coming off of them . I watched as the last stumbled to their pretentious cars and fondled their wives or mistresses . When I was sure I wouldn 't be seen , I rounded the corner and found Woods standing at the entrance . He had a drink in one hand and his wife 's fingers in the other . Mrs . Woods , however , stood to the side , as far away as she could without their arms forming a bridge . Though she stared blankly in my direction , I doubted she noticed me . Mrs . Woods couldn 't have been older than thirty - five and I only thought that high because of her husband 's gray hairs , not hers . Her face was done up like a doll 's and no matter the weather , occasion , or season , black leather pants always hugged her thighs and left little to the imagination . She ' could get it , ' as my friends would say . And judging by the lifestyle of Bob Woods , she probably did . She puffed on a cigarette . Her husband watched his departing guests with a euphoric smirk . I approached slowly . I hoped someone would notice and acknowledge me . No such luck . Woods looked at me suddenly , as if I had intruded on the privacy of his thoughts . He raised his brow and his eyes searched my face for recognition . He soon found it , and his countenance turned to one of annoyance . By now , this was routine . To him , I represented the end of his fun , even if only for a night . I shifted uneasily as he stared at me . He let go of his wife 's hand and motioned for her to go and wait at the car . She did . " I want the place spotless by morning , " he said . " And strawberries in tomorrow 's shake . The week 's pay is by the kitchen . " He tittered and took a sip of his drink . " Don 't spend it all in one place . " " I 'll have everything exactly like you like it , Mr . Woods , " I said . " Is there anything else I can do ? It 's no problem at all , sir . " He grunted , began to leave , and then stopped . His smirk came back . " Tell me . . . " He circled his drink in the air . As if he were actually trying to remember my name . From the look on his face , I thought a sudden pain had struck Mr . Woods . Then I realized he was trying his hardest to hold in his laughter . With that realization came another : the man was clearly drunk . More so than I had seen yet . " It 's . . . it feels good , sir , " I said . I tried to think of something witty and came up with nothing . " I can 't drink yet , though , so that sucks . " Great one , I thought . All of a sudden the cool August night felt hot and sticky . Woods sipped his wine and mulled over this . He swayed to one side and then the other . As he did , I glimpsed the inside of the club behind him . Now it was my turn to hold in my reaction : the place was a mess . " Good boy , " he said and patted me on the shoulder . He stumbled past me and off the porch . " Drink all you want , " he called back . " Tonight is for the young ! " The club was in a worse state than I had thought , or feared . I walked around to get an idea of what I was dealing with . As I did I remembered a comedy skit about chimpanzees catering a party . The result had been much like this . Champagne , wine , and vodka bottles littered the floor , some broken . The party had enjoyed a variety of appetizers , meats , and fondue , and remnants of each could be found in all parts of the club . A chair was overturned in the middle of the main room . Next to it was some rope , a blindfold , and a single high - heeled shoe . There was a pile of clothes in one of the hallways . There were three bathrooms . Two of them had vomit - covered floors . All three had known guests needing urinary target practice . I sighed after seeing all of the devastation and began to gather cleaning materials from under the sink , which was , funny enough , empty of any dishes . When I had replied to the ad on an Internet job site some months prior , I hadn 't expected anything quite like this . Though I couldn 't complain ( and didn 't ) - it helped me save , and I didn 't have to pay taxes . Woods kept all of his rooms locked and made it clear that even if they hadn 't been , they were off limits . Of course , that had been the perfect spark to my curiosity . But he 'd never failed at locking every door , and in a lot of ways I was grateful . Without temptation , curiosity is like a flower in a desert . That had just changed . One of the doors was ajar . And this was no normal door . It was solid steel like the wall surrounding it , protected by a security keypad . It only lacked a skull and crossbones sign warning : KEEP OUT . I didn 't think about it long . It seemed like a no - brainer at the time . I 'd see what there was to see and leave . How could I have known the room would hold a great weakness for me ? I looked around at the empty country club and then pushed the door open . It didn 't creak . Inside was dark , the air different . Cooler , better - tasting . I felt around on the wall and found the light switch . I stared , shocked , and then burst out laughing . A roller coaster . Four cars , each with four rows of seats . Yellow lightning bolts stretched over red metal . Its tracks disappeared into two black tunnels on opposite walls . Behind it a glass wall overlooked the left side of the mountain . Outside , the tracks led from the side of the club to a hole in the mountain , barely visible under the stars . " Really ? " I said , unable to stop grinning . " Woods , really ? A roller coaster ? " I spun around like a kid who had just been surprised with his first car and raised my hands to my mouth . This . Was . Awesome . It took a few minutes before my excitement fell away and left only the decision before me . Compared to the rest of the country club prior to my cleaning , the room was relatively tidy . Still , there was the occasional sign of life : a champagne glass here , a piece of paper there , and a baseball cap in one of the roller coaster 's seats . My giddiness began to swell again . The roller coaster was not only functional , but I began to suspect Woods treated his guests with it . If I left without riding this beauty , I 'd think of it every night I went to work . I 'd look up at the mountain as I walked my bike up the hill and imagine a red roller coaster with lightning marks racing around inside . It would haunt me . I checked the room for surveillance cameras and saw none . Confident I wasn 't being recorded , I went over to the control panel on the left side of a metal platform . There were two levers . One green with a dollar sign painted below it ; the other red with the word refund . I lifted my hand towards the green lever but , curious , pulled the red instead . I thought it was broken ; it didn 't stick . I tried again , and this time held it down . For a second , nothing happened . Then the roller coaster 's engine roared and it started to roll backwards , towards the tunnel on the left . When I let go of the lever , the coaster slowly returned to its starting position . The green lever didn 't require me to hold it down . The coaster made a slightly deeper sound as it started up again . Bulbs lining the tunnel 's entrance shone a brilliant white . Beyond , the walls glowed a hot red . The safety bars in each car came forward and clicked into place . I tried to push the lever back into neutral . It didn 't budge . There was no stall button . I looked at the roller coaster crawling into the tunnel , my dream disappearing with it . Now or never . I jumped the rail separating the control panel from the boarding area and ran to the mouth of the tunnel . The coaster had yet to gain speed and I slipped into the seat of the back car without much trouble . I wiggled my legs between the cushion and the bar just in time to look up and see the stars appear above me . The coaster slowly approached the mouth of the mountain . As I was taken inside , I wondered for the first time if this was a mistake . And then , the coaster stopped . It puttered to a roll and then a full standstill , the engine winding down . Terror crept into my bowels , making me uncomfortable . The green lever had been broken after all , and now I was stuck here . Woods would find me like a raccoon with its paw inside a trap . And I 'd be out of a job . Such worries were short - lived . The coaster shot forward , pressing me against the seat . My breath caught and a sharp pain lodged itself in my chest . Lights stretched around me ; I could make out nothing more than long lines of varying color . The coaster continued to accelerate . The wind picked up . The agony in my chest grew . It all became too much ; I clenched my eyes shut . Without warning the ride took me higher . Up , up . I opened my eyes . The crazy lights had disappeared and the coaster had found a cruising speed . Black surrounded me , and ahead , a blue glow . I squinted at it . There was something in its center . Something familiar . A clock . Big and round , it hung from the ceiling of the tunnel , right above a crest in the ride . The coaster slowed as it rounded the top of this hill . My face came so close to the clock I thought I could reach out and touch it . I almost did , and would have if not for the world dropping out from under me . I plunged into pitch - blackness . I screamed and fell , fell and screamed . The coaster jerked to the left and then to the right , bruising my shoulders against the walls of the car . My insides shifted as up became down in the dark . The dips came without warning . I was a slave to the will of the coaster ; it did with me what it wanted . I don 't know exactly when , but somewhere along the ride my screams turned to yells . I had been scared shitless since the moment the coaster fired off into the tunnel . And I enjoyed every minute of it . Another sharp turn and the coaster erupted out of the mountain and into the night . The wind was cold and harsh . I raised my hands against it , and yelled harder . The track circled and descended toward the back of the country club , slowing as it went . I coasted , and took the moment to look up at the sky . The stars were out in full form , the moon pregnant and high . I didn 't remember either being so bright before . The coaster re - entered the county club . When it stopped , I pushed the safety bar forward and found it tougher than I thought it should be . With some effort , it moved , and the ones in the rows ahead of me all clicked forward in succession . My first thought as I hopped out of the car and on to the platform was I had to go again . Then a sudden wave of dizziness took my balance and I grabbed the railing to steady myself . I leaned there for some minutes , waiting for the dizziness to pass . When I closed my eyes I saw the bizarre lights of the tunnel dancing against my lids and felt once again every flip and throw of the ride . The lights gradually abated and the world went from a spin to a twirl . I awoke in a panic and then slowly realized where I was . I had fallen asleep with my torso hanging on one side of the railing and my legs on the other . I blinked the sleep out of my eyes , groaned , and then gained enough sense to wonder how long I 'd been out for . I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time . The battery was dead . I grunted and put it back in my pocket . I turned back to the roller coaster and felt a tingle in my spine . It had been , without a doubt , the best roller coaster I 'd ever ridden . But I couldn 't ride it again , I decided then . That would be pushing my luck . With the appeal of sacred adventure now gone , I could think clearly . Just because there were no surveillance cameras didn 't mean Woods didn 't have a way of knowing when his roller coaster was in action . If he did , I could explain the first run as an accident , an unmanned accident . Two trips wouldn 't fly . When I was satisfied nothing was out of the ordinary , I went into the kitchen to fix Woods ' breakfast shake . I had half a mind to leave it undone , but that would rouse suspicion . After fixing his smoothie , I covered it with saran wrap and put it in the refrigerator . I settled for one more sweep of the country club and then checked over the roller coaster with fresh eyes . Maybe it was my tired mind playing tricks on me , as I 'd never noticed this before , but the lightning bolt on the side seemed to give the metal worm a smile . I shivered at the thought and quickly left the room . I cogitated over whether to close the door or not . The chances of Woods remembering he 'd forgotten to do so himself were slim , and leaving it open might make him wonder . Still , I wanted to leave the room untouched , or at least give that illusion . I left the country club at six in the morning . A Sunday , the boss wouldn 't come in until the afternoon , if he did at all . They were his days to rest , I figured ; I had never been called to clean on a Sunday . I don 't remember biking home , only the warm feeling of being back in my own bed . My sleep was deep , and I didn 't get up until noon . By then , the house was empty . The fridge was mostly bare . The little we had was either molded or I couldn 't eat . My mother did most of the shopping . Whenever my father did stop by the grocery , however , he just so happened to pick up foods that didn 't go well with my allergies . He 'd use ' sudden cravings ' as an excuse , but I 'd never seen him eat a peanut butter sandwich a day in his life , much less an almond butter sandwich . No , cravings had nothing to do with it . It was a subtle way to tell me this was no longer my home , just a rental . I shook the carton of milk , frowned at its vacancy , and checked the fruit pantry . Something , finally . I took my lone apple into the living room and sat in front of the television . CSI was on . It had become my favorite show in the last year , but this was a rerun . Usually that wouldn 't matter , but today it wasn 't enough to hold my interest . In fact , there was hardly anything on worth watching and I went through our thirty - something channels three times before finally settling on an old cartoon . I surprised myself by cracking a smile some minutes in . Perhaps this wouldn 't be so bad after all . I used to love cartoons . I bit into my apple and thought about the roller coaster . I had been too excited at the time to think about how peculiar it was . All of my friends had stopped going to amusement parks years ago and I expected even my own love for them to wane with age . Perhaps Woods was no different than any other insanely rich person and bought insanely expensive things for no reason . But as I thought about it , I became more and more sure that wasn 't the case . The security - code enforced door , the smell of champagne in the coaster room , the wild nature of Woods 's parties . It all came back to old people riding a roller coaster . And that made no sense , no matter how I spun it . I held up the apple to my face , bemused , as if I had forgotten what I had eaten . Or , better yet , as if it had disguised itself as some other food . Because I wasn 't allergic to apples . At least , not any more . Unfortunately , reminding my body of this did nothing to quell the swelling in my throat . I rushed to the sink to wash out my mouth . The reaction wasn 't bad , or else I 'd already be suffocating . Nonetheless , it hurt to breathe ; phlegm drowned my tongue . I took three Benadryl and waited . Fruit ( more specifically , fruit with a pith ) had been one of my more tame allergies growing up . I had gone through the treatment to get rid of it four years ago . For six months I received weekly injections into my back and for hours after I felt as if I were wearing a coat of ants , the itching was so bad . I still had faint scars from scratching late into the night . The swelling began to abate but my throat still itched . I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and tongue . I flipped on the light and froze . " What the fuck is this ? " I said , only I didn 't make it past the . If the boy looking at me from the mirror was shocking , the sound of the voice he made was horrific . And he was a boy . I leaned in . My lips were swollen from the apple and that , ironically , was the most normal of what I saw . My mustache had been reduced to a faint fur . My skin looked soft and my jaw had lost its edge . " What the fuck is this ? " I said , this time completely . I blinked , rubbed my eyes , and looked closer . The image didn 't change . I took off my shirt and started to hyperventilate when I saw my body . My skin spread across the ribcage of my narrow chest like a thin blanket covering a bed of poles . Knobby shoulders led to weak , rod - like arms . I twisted to look at my back . There was acne there , but no whelps from the time of the treatment . Am I dreaming , I thought . This could only happen in a dream , but I knew I wasn 't asleep . In a dream , thought is muddled , and reality becomes fickle . But when I 'm awake I know I 'm awake , no question about it . This was real . As fucked up as it was , it was real . My breathing slowed ; I forced myself to think . An allergic reaction had never done something like this , and I couldn 't imagine losing thirty pounds in ten minutes because of an apple . Was it some drug ? I hadn 't seen Carl for at least a week , and even then he did most of the hard stuff . I was just along for the ride . And then , it came to me . The only thing it could be . It made as much sense as vampires and werewolves causing global warming , but I was running out of options . A world of fantasy and intrigue unraveled before my mind 's eye , but I had no time to dwell in it . I needed to find help . Meaning I needed to find someone who 'd believe me . Only one name came to mind . Carl lived on the other side of Martinsville , which meant he wasn 't far away at all . Still , I had put on a hoodie and biked the distance as fast as I could . Small towns meant large gossip . I didn 't know if anyone would recognize me , or what they would think if they did , and I didn 't want to find out . I waited . A minute or so later I could hear Carl moving inside . A corner of the window curtain pulled back and a single , skeptic eye scanned me over . " Who are you ? " My words sounded ridiculously docile in a thirteen - year - old voice , but they did the trick . I couldn 't help but smile when Carl 's curses drifted from inside . I bit my lip to straighten my face when I heard the lock unlatch . I shuffled forward and Carl grabbed my arm to pull me the rest of the way . He slammed the door behind us . The house smelled of weed . Clothes , magazines , and paper plates were strewn all over . There were shirts on the kitchen table and dirty dishes on the floor . " Quick , what do you want ? I 'm busy . " He gestured over to the small coffee table in front of the television . Marijuana bowls and ash . " It 's crazy , " I said . " You won 't believe it . " Carl regarded me with careful scrutiny . For a moment I thought he had a mind to send me packing . " You 're not Tommy 's brother . You 're Tommy . " Carl went over to his collection , plucked a red bowl from the pile , and picked through a group of small plastic bags on the floor beside the table . " What can I say ? It 's a gift . But how 'd you do it ? " Carl smiled a devil 's grin . " Of course . Your weakness . " He carefully stuffed the bowl , lit it , and spoke between puffs . " Your drug , in a way . I 'd offer you a hit but you 're , uh , a minor now , it seems . " Carl sat in the chair beside the couch and turned on the television to a basketball game . He wasn 't the biggest sports fan and neither of the teams playing was local , but Carl 's attention span was backwards . He needed distractions to really focus on something , especially something as bizarre as what I was about to tell him . By the way Carl mumbled at the television when a bad call was made and how he emptied and restacked his bowl so meticulously , one would think he didn 't even realize I was in the room . But he interrupted several times with his questions and commentary . He offered both without looking at me ; his eyes were only for the television , the weed , and his bowl . I had his ears , though , and I imagined the better part of his brain , and I could live with that . " I think I 'm thirteen , " I said when I was done , fully aware of how ridiculous I sounded . " I 'm the same height and I can 't eat apples . I got my allergy shots when I was fourteen , and my growth spurt when I was twelve . Five years , Carl . Jesus . " Carl turned off the television , sucked the last bit of green in the bowl to a white ash , and then emptied it on the table . Finally , he turned to me and said , " Un - fucking - believable . He probably charges those people at his club a fortune to use it . What if he 's , like , a hundred years old or something ? " His eyes widened . " And the chick , his wife - she could be a gilf . " A smile spread across Carl 's face . The kind of smile you give after someone pulls your finger and right before you let them have their prize . " Grandma I 'd like to fuck . Yeah ! " He spread his arms wide , as if I had asked why the sky was blue . " I don 't see no other explanation . You know I believe in shit like this . " He shrugged . " Not to me . Whatever it is , we gotta get you back to normal , dude . Riding that coaster when you get to my old man 's age might help with the ladies , but you 're not getting any like this . Ideas ? " I told him about the refund button . I had no clue how it worked or what it did , only it made the coaster go backward and would need someone to hold it down . It was all I had , and it was worth a try . Carl nodded . " You got to have a way to take it back if the customer 's not satisfied . " He paused . " This might be a stupid question . But you considered asking your boss what to do ? " I shook my head . " I don 't want him to find out . He told me specifically his rooms were hands - off . I need this job , Carl , or I 'll never move out . " " Shit . Let 's go , then , " he said . He scooped the pile of ashes off of the table and into his hand , stood , and went to his room . His sudden motivation brought me to my feet as well . He tussled through clothes in his hamper , smelling one , putting it back , picked another , and over again . " That hoodie makes you look like an eskimo . " He threw me a shirt with a picture of a weed plant on it . On Carl , it would be taut . On me , it was almost regular . " Here , wear this . " Carl slipped on a wrinkled blue sweater as he walked into the living room . " You can 't worry about that , little dude . Maybe he noticed the door was open , maybe he didn 't . Either way , he 's gotta go home sometime right ? And when he does , we 'll go and check it out . " " Can 't , " I said . " My parents will be home soon , and my father would just try to make this about him . They 'd both freak . " " Yeah , " Carl agreed , yet continued to grab a small backpack from the corner and stuff his bowls , lighters , and bags of weed inside . " No imagination . Then we 'll hang out at the mall . If I stay here , I 'll just get wasted and forget . Besides , I wanted to get out the house today . " He paused and smiled that same mischievous grin . We walked around the mall until our feet hurt , and then walked some more . Carl had been joking about the toy store but , the rest of the stores visited and spent , we went there anyway . Interest snuck up on me the same way the cartoons had . I soon found myself studying the aisles instead of skimming . As the day went on , I thought more and more about the roller coaster . How Woods came to possess it , would the refund work or just make things worse , did Woods know I had ridden it ? I voiced all of these questions and more to Carl in rapid succession . That shut me up . For the first time , I really considered the implications of my change . I still had my memories from an eighteen - year life . Though I was confident I could still drive , play the guitar , and screw , my brain was that of a thirteen - year - old 's . At that age I had been talkative , inquisitive , a tad nerdish , and allergic to everything . How long would it take until my eighteen - year - old self would be totally lost ? On the shores of that question rolled in a wave of new thought : would it be worth it to not fix this ? When graduating high school I thought I was becoming a man , the world at my fingertips . Yet it seemed like a cab driver needed a college degree these days , and an Internet ad for cleaning a rich man 's country club was the only job I could find in this city . I could go through high school again , redefine myself . Get good grades and . . . I shook my head of such thoughts . Because that 's all they were : thoughts . I couldn 't let them become considerations . This wasn 't a fantasy world , where the people around me - my parents , the government , any rational person who had ever known the name Thomas Lee - would simply accept I had shaved five years off my age . They 'd send me to the doctors , or to therapy . They 'd think it something I 'd done on purpose , used some fucked up kind of puberty - reversing drug because I couldn 't deal with the real world . I must have been mulling over this for a while because Carl said , " Little dude , I didn 't mean you had to shut up . Don 't get all emo on me . You 're not old enough yet . " He shrugged . " I don 't know , little dude . Whatever it is , it 's already happened . Let 's just make it unhappen and then figure shit out later . " When we arrived at the country club it was a little past midnight . I told Carl to park down the hill , just in case Woods was still there . When we reached the club , the inside was dark , and quiet . There were no cars in the driveway . I looked around its side , by the dumpster , just to be sure . We were alone . I stepped in and turned on the light . The club was mostly as I had left it , with no evidence of Woods . I immediately went to the refrigerator . The shake I had made was still there , untouched . " Yeah , that 's it , " I said , finally allowing myself some relief . " Woods hasn 't even been here today . He must be recovering from last night . " I knew the room , like Woods 's shake , was without change , but the coaster looked different to me . Enlightened about some of its powers , I found what remained unknown gave it an ominous look . The lightning bolt reminded me more of a grimace than the smile it had imitated the day before . Its red metal coat shined like the scales of a snake . What had been a feeling of excitement upon our first acquaintance was now apprehension . I had the ridiculous thought that it had tasted my youth . . . and liked it . I looked to Carl . He was following the track 's path with his eyes , tilting his head back slightly to take in the view of the mountain . The moon was out and as full as the night before . Carl seemed unimpressed . He had imagined a machine as spectacular in vision as the power it held . Instead , I had shown him something old and simple . " Here 's the button to send it forward . " I said . " And here 's the button I think might fix me . " I held down the refund button . The metal giant sputtered as if trying to pronounce a new , exotic word and rolled a few feet backward . When I took my finger away , the engine stopped and the coaster slowly rolled forward , back to its start position . Carl nodded ; there was a spark of interest in the way his lip curled . " Okay , " I said . " Let 's get this over with . " I started to climb into the coaster . " Little dude , wait , " Carl said . " What if this doesn 't work like that ? The whole backwards thing ? " I had considered this and tried not to think about it . Of course it was a possibility . I had no proof the button worked , only dumb logic . How could I be so sure I wouldn 't come out on the other side five more years younger ? Or , worse , ten ? I couldn 't . " You said just now it might not even work like that ! " My voice was rising . Somehow the idea of something bad happening became more real with Carl 's offer . Carl shrugged . " An adventure 's an adventure . If it makes me younger I get to mooch off my parents for the next five years . Not to mention spook their socks off . And maybe I can try to be the smart kid in school this time around . You know , get B 's and shit . " I was shaking my head without knowing it , incredulous . I studied his face for the fear I felt and found none . An undeniable shame flushed warm blood into my cheeks as I considered accepting Carl 's offer . Anything that happened to him as a result would be my doing . But he made sense . If the refund lever turned out to be a rouse and he ended up like me , then , at least , we could go to the authorities together . Any white rooms and test tubes could be braved , together . " Awesome , " Carl said . He ran forward and jumped into the middle car . After he secured the safety bar , he gave me a thumbs - up . Carl threw his hands up and yelled his assent as the coaster rolled in reverse . It stopped just inside the tunnel and then shot off with a screeching whoosh ! I heard Carl scream with glee . Outside , the mountain efficiently swallowed the silhouette of a coaster . " Woo ! Awesome ! " Carl yelled , pumping his fists . As soon as the coaster stopped he pushed the metal bar up and leapt out of the car . He groaned and stumbled but somehow kept his smile . I hurried over to him . It had . Without the help of puberty , the changes were hard to pinpoint , but as a whole they eradicated any doubts . Carl 's frame was thicker , as if five years of age equaled a few months in the gym . Before , his mustache had been thin , a gap between it and his goatee of curls . Now the hair was coarse and dark and connected from mouth to chin . His skin had changed from a smooth , blotchy texture to one that was clear and slightly rough . His jaw was more defined . The muscles of his temple worked as he spoke , new veins snaking over them . His voice remained the same . While Carl checked out the new him in the bathroom I let myself accept - for the first time since entering this nightmare - that things would be all right . I would ride the coaster back to eighteen , and then convince Carl to reverse his own transformation . The less evidence out in the world , the better . We 'd clean up the place , scrub the coaster , and be out by morning . I might even keep my job . I smiled . Yes , things were looking up . " I 'm so sexy , Little Dude , " Carl said when he was done . " I 'm also sober . I think that ride cleaned out my system . " He paused . " I don 't know if I like that part much . You ready to ride ? " We took our positions , him behind the control panel and me in the roller coaster . It felt wrong sitting in its seats once more , knowing what it had taken from me . Old thoughts resurfaced and my brain began to fill with doubts . Was it a trick ? Had changing Carl been a lure to get me back here so it could steal more of me ? Was it hungry for my soul ? Stop it , I thought . You 're thinking like a thirteen - year - old . What powers this … this thing has , it only has that . It follows rules , even if those rules are weird as shit . It was like a hand reached up from the tracks and yanked me backwards . The coaster chugged towards the exit . Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be free of the machine . My yells were in vain . And the coaster wasn 't moving . I waited in silence for what seemed like an hour but couldn 't have been more than a few minutes . I gasped as the coaster finally rumbled beneath me . It was going the wrong way . The coaster shot forward and out of the tunnel the way it had come , sped around the bend back into the club , out the club , and into the other side of the mountain . It happened fast , yet I had more than enough time to see that the man standing behind the control panel wasn 't Carl . It was an older man . A man who always had a champagne glass in his hand , and this time was no different . I screamed . Perhaps the tempo of my heart , the sharpness of my breath , and the energy of that last scream did it . Or perhaps the seizure - inducing strobe lights of the tunnel overloaded my senses . Or maybe I had simply fainted from fright . Whatever it was , I passed into a dreamless sleep even before the first dip inside the mountain . I tried to sit up and couldn 't . Something held my hands behind my back . I looked over my shoulder ; I was tied to the leg of a table , rooted in the floor . I began to whine . I whirled around . Mr . Woods was crouched in front of me . His smile made me think of a monster . In one hand he held a drink . In the other , a gun . I yelped and scrambled to get away . I only slid sideways . " Oh , this ? " Mr . Woods said . He held the gun with the muzzle pointing to the ceiling , as if before a jury . He stuffed it in his back pocket as he said , " I won 't be needing it . Not anymore . " Things were fuzzy for me . It was hard to get past the fear of the dark , this place , and the man with the circus smile and the gun , but I knew there were important things for me to remember . The memories were there , but accessing them was like trying to read a book with a lot of hard words . Woods ignored my cries . " All my clients sign a contract . And they pay a fortune . A small fortune , but you can imagine how much a hundred small fortunes a night can add up . And then again , maybe you can 't . Do they teach multiplication in the … what is it , second grade ? " Mr . Woods sipped his drink . He gestured flippantly towards his backside , where he had pocketed the gun . " I would kill you . But a few things complicate that . Number one is , I don 't kill children . It 's unbecoming . Lucky for you there 's a number two , because technically you aren 't a child , are you ? No , I don 't quite consider you as such . " " I won 't tell anyone , " I said . " I promise . Please , just let me go . I don 't want to be here . " " You will soon , " he said , almost soothingly . " My wife . . . she wants a baby , but can 't have her own . Adoption isn 't an option for me . It means background checks and snooping in my business . " He paused either to sip his drink or to let what he was saying sink in . I didn 't need the part of my brain that was still eighteen to know I should be afraid . " Now listen , because this part concerns you , " he continued . " How far back can you remember ? " " M - my mom , " I sobbed . " She took the bottle a - away f - from me , and never g - gave it b - b - back . " The last word stretched between sobs and tears . " Precisely . If you stay the age you are now , you 'll forget a lot but your brain will be developed enough to still remember what 's important . And one day you might want to talk . And someone might actually believe you , or think enough of you to investigate . And I hate investigations . " " But a toddler can hold memories about as well as a bed sheet holds water . And if you do manage to get some words out , no one will take a three - year - old seriously . By the time you 're old enough to give a damn , your old memories will be replaced with new ones . You 'll think yourself a Woods . And you will be . " " Sure you do . And in a few hours you will . I 'll try to make sure she 's not , how shall I say , under the influence . " Woods emptied his glass and began to stand . I put all my energy into the struggle , but it was no use . I screamed for my mother , for Carl , but no one could hear . Woods was patient , and calm , and completely set on what he was about to do . Shirley Griffin was often bored . Her husband , Charles , liked to take her to his business dinners , parties , and anything requiring something on his arm . When they had been young , his money had excited her . The power of his friends had been sexy , enticing . She drank and flirted , and Charles didn 't mind ; she knew her limits . Now , the conversations had grown stale , and as she entered her golden years , all the nights seemed the same . She expected No Country Club for Old Men to be more of this , and drank to numb the night away . " Thank you all for coming to gift night . All of you have been given the generous opportunity to change your lives . By a loved one , a friend , or a spouse . You may be wondering what could be so life changing in this little old country club on the side of the mountain . The answer to that is behind this wall . " Mr . Woods entered the security code and opened the steel door . Laughter followed . Soon , however , people began to realize this was no joke and murmurs cascaded through the crowd . Shirley felt a tug at her skirt and looked down . There stood a little boy , looking up at her with full , brown eyes . Deep sorrow came from those eyes , and Shirley swallowed away the feeling it gave her with a quick sip from her glass . Nonsense , she thought . She put on her best smile . The little boy wore a sailor hat , some sunglasses , and it almost looked like he had lipstick on . Woods stood nearby , his wife holding the boy 's hand . The boy leaned away from the woman , as if he were trying to get away . The little boy seemed to think about it before responding , as if saying the wrong answer would be a very bad thing . When he finally did , however , it couldn 't have been correct . Shirley looked at her husband , bemused , and then laughed . " He sure does , " Woods said . " Ambition . If you excuse me , I must prep the main attraction . You will be joining us , won 't you ? " " I assure you , Mrs . Griffin , you won 't want to miss this . It is the secret to my success . And your husband paid a pretty penny to make sure you enjoy tonight . " Woods winked at her , turned , and then disappeared into the crowd . His wife started to follow , but little James planted his feet and began to whine . James grinned and jumped up and down . Mrs . Woods looked at him with disdain , shrugged , and then let go of his hand . She left to find her husband . Shirley watched the woman leave and then turned her attention to the boy . He was looking up at them intently , moving his arms this way and that . " I think he 's trying to say something , Charles . " " No , don 't cry , " Shirley said . " Charles , you upset him . It couldn 't hurt . How bad can an indoor roller coaster be ? " She lowered her voice . " And I don 't think they let this boy have any fun . " Sneaking the little boy onto the coaster was easier than Shirley had thought it would be . The coaster was packed with people and Woods had surprised everyone by jumping in the front seat with his wife after sending it in motion . Shirley held the boy tight . She expected him to become scared and cry or scream or do a million things once the ride started . But , much to her surprise , he remained quiet . In fact , he didn 't make a sound the whole time .

My children and I have been living in a community shelter for victims of domestic violence since December 15th . My husband hasn 't paid the child support he was ordered to pay for the past 2 months . The five of us are living in single room that doesn 't even have a lock on the door . We have restrictions , curfews and we live with strangers , some which are strange to say the least . Things are pretty bleak right now . When they came down to the children 's playroom in the shelter where the Christmas tree is set up , their eyes beheld a sea of gifts . They were awestruck , squealed with delight , dove in and set to work on the seemingly impossible task of unwrapping an incredible pile of gifts . They opened and played with gifts for hours . At one point I asked my 3 year old Joshua if he was going to open some more of his gifts , and he said , " That 's enough Christmas , I 'm tired of opening presents . " LOL ! ! ! Once he got a second wind , he was right back at it . On Wednesday December 23 , my children and I went to Aramark to meet with the people who decided to bestow us with so much kindness , without even knowing us . They were having their holiday luncheon and they invited us to join them . When we walked into the lunchroom where their Christmas tree stood , I was just overwhelmed . All of these smiling friendly faces , and a tree full of gifts that were all for us . I was overcome with gratitude . I introduced us to everyone while trying not to cry , straining to talk over the huge lump in my throat . The true spirit of Christmas had come to us this year . I remember in years past donating toys or clothing for those in need and it was a good feeling , but until this day , I didn 't know personally what the recipients felt . Now I understood intimately . Words are not enough to describe the thanks in my heart to the Aramark employees who rallied together for the cause that was us . All I can say is that I am forever grateful and know that I could never ever repay them for their incredible generosity . They gave us a Christmas to remember ! We don 't have much right now , but we have family and friends who love us and strangers who care . Most of all we have a heavenly Father that watches over and provides for us . Our Christmas started 2 weeks ago when we went to a holiday Christmas party for Forestdale Fathering initiative where my daughter won a bike in a raffle . It continued with a visit to Grandpa and a generous gift to all of us , and it continues on as we visit with their aunt , Grandma & our friends . The windows of heaven opened up and poured out a blessing that we literally don 't have room to receive ! Again God has done what I could not possibly do and used our family , friends and strangers to pour out His indescribable , uncontainable , incomprehensible love on us . When we finally settle into a home of our own one day , the children will each have enough toys to fill thier rooms . So we 'd like to thank : Its been a couple weeks since my last post and so much more has happened that I will share with you soon . Unfortunately , I don 't have access to the internet at this time and I 'm doing this post at the library . Since I 'm not a resident of the neighborhood , I only have 15 minutes to use the express PC . My children and I moved out of our friend 's house last Tuesday and we are currently staying in a shelter in Bethlehem . I told my children earlier this year that I believed we 'd be in our own place by Christmas , it seemed very possible . I guess we are in our " own " place in that we aren 't living with our family or friends any more , but a shelter wasn 't exactly what I had in mind . We have our own room , but it is community living and we have to share the bathrooms , kitchen and lounge / TV area . My husband bailed himself out of jail the day after he was arrested and his bail was $ 10 , 000 straight , which he paid with no problem . But he hasn 't paid his court ordered child support because he says he doesn 't have it . He hired a lawyer to defend his criminal charge and he has hired one to fight the support order . He wants the order vacated . He will be spending a wonderful holiday with his mistress and his daughter , spending his children 's support money on them and himself . He may even spring for the trip to Japan for the three of them . So anyway , we are in our new " home " for the holidays . We have 30 days here and maybe an extension and then on to the next unknown place . Please keep us in your prayers . Because of the hardness of his heart , he can 't leave well enough alone . The visits that he has with our children are supposed to be for him to spend time with them , being a father . But I know that the visits are really just his way of digging his talons into me . They are the only strings that keep him attached to me and his only way to continue bothering me in my life . I wish I could video tape these visits . The way he interacts with them , they could be anybody . As soon as he arrives on the scene , let the games begin ! The overacting , loud voice and disingenuous laughs , come off like a clown that has shown up at a birthday party . It 's like he just met these kids and it 's his job to entertain them with his performance . There is a total lack of warmth and intimacy . It 's one game after another at the fun center and one exhibit after another at the science center . There 's no sense of longing from a brokenhearted father that desperately misses his children . There 's no time spent talking to them about them , or school , or anything that people in real relationships connect over . It 's all on the surface . He doesn 't talk to them the way a genuine loving father would . In any event , keeping in character of a true batterer , even while going to Domestic Violence school for his ' Batterer No More ' certificate , he just had to start some trouble on the visit last week . Abusive people aren 't cured because the person they abused isn 't in their life any longer . They find other ways to get their thrills with them until they find someone else to abuse . He 's got his old girlfriend back , he 's free in his life to come and go as he pleases , hangs out with his friends , doesn 't have to wipe one runny nose or poopy butt . He doesn 't have to clean up after anyone but himself , doesn 't have to cook for anyone , doesn 't have to get up before the crack of dawn to get anyone off to school . He 's independent and free . All he has to do is show up down here spend a couple hours playing and go home . You 'd think he could just move on . " Your hands are the hands of murderers , and your fingers are filthy with sin . Your mouth is full of lies , and your lips are tainted with corruption . You don 't care about being fair and honest . Your lawsuits are based on lies . You spend your time plotting evil deeds and then doing them . You spend your time and energy spinning evil plans that end up in deadly actions . You cheat and shortchange everyone . Nothing you do is productive ; all your activity is filled with sin . Violence is your trademark . Your feet run to do evil , and you rush to commit murder . You think only about sinning . Wherever you go , misery and destruction follow you . You do not know what true peace is or what it means to be just and good . You continually do wrong , and those who follow ( or tried to have a life with ) you cannot experience a moment 's peace . " Isaiah 59 . 3 - 8 When you have been in a relationship with an abusive person , leaving him is like trying to leave a gang . You just can 't say , " Hey , this isn 't working for me , I 'm gonna go now , " and get a response of , " Oh , okay cool . You take care now . " No . You have to get " jumped " out . The abuser will come after you every which way he can . The courts , the kids , your family , your friends , the child support he won 't pay , his other women he flaunts . If he can 't get another lick in physically , he will do it psychologically , emotionally , and economically . He will attempt to grind you down mentally . Getting back to the devil 's workshop , my husband has been up to something for a little while now . He 's been plotting and scheming in regards to the visitation or custody as it is set up now . The first I heard of his latest trickery was in early November when my lawyer called me and said that the law guardian for the children called her and said that my husband was emailing him . My husband was telling the law guardian that I wasn 't cooperating with the visits and making problems . I let her know that when he calls to speak to the kids , I give them the phone . If we miss his call , I have them call him back . I told her that the judgement in the support case had just come through and my husband was ordered to pay us a whole lot more than I 'm sure he thought he would and I believed he was pissed off about it . She understood and said she would pass the info on to the law guardian . In addition to his deceitful emails , he has been sending me text messages accusing me of manipulating the children 's feelings in regards to him . When the children don 't want to talk to him , he blames me and says that I am influencing them negatively by my feelings about him . I believe he was talking to some ignorant person in his life again or perhaps just came up with this latest plan on his own , to try and suggest I am guilty of ' parental alienation ' . It is one of the latest tools that abusers pull out of their bag of tricks to use against their victims in court . He believes that if he texts something to me , that it makes it true and evidence to be used against me . But what he fails to recognize and thereby crumbling the entire foundation of his position is that the children have always been with me and I have felt the same way about him since our escape - I don 't like him . I don 't tell them how to feel about him and they are usually okay with him . So who 's influencing them to be cool with him ? I have the right to dislike someone who abused me , lied to me , cheated on me , and refuses to take care of his children . My feelings about him don 't change . But the children 's feelings for him fluctuate . They have their own independent feelings about him based on their personal experiences and eyewitness accounts of him and their own individual personalities , ages and genders . I have resisted the temptation to hate him by praying for him . But I hate what he has done to this family , to our children and to me . I hate that he has left us with trauma , behavioral & stress disorders . I hate that he has left us struggling for survival . I hate that he has left us homeless , moving from place to place in search of a home to call our own . I hate that he has forced us to live like refugees . In spite of that , the children can still be happy at times when they talk to him . They can still laugh and enjoying playing with him sometimes . For that , I get no credit . Only when they don 't feel like talking to him or playing with him is it then my fault . I allow the children to feel how they want to feel about him or anything else and don 't tell them that their feelings are wrong or bad . If one day they hate him or think he 's mean and dumb , that 's okay . If on another day , they love him and miss him , that 's okay too . I won 't force them to talk to or interact with him when they don 't want to . Some days they 'll like him , some days they won 't . Some times they feel like a nut , some times they don 't . He wants them to always act excited about him and cry for missing him . He wants them to never feel negatively about him and I guess my job is supposed to be to squash any bad feelings about daddy . That doesn 't fit into his plan of being the poor misunderstood loving father . When they don 't want to be bothered with him , it is a reminder and proof of who the real destroyer of the peace was and continues to be . That 's evidence against him that he wants to get rid of . He thinks another person 's feelings can be controlled , because that 's what he understands , power and control . Anyhoo , he thought that he had come up with a clever piece to his latest sneakery . On the visit last weekend , after about an hour and a half into the visit , he came and sat next to me - violation # 1 . He then began to talk to me - violation # 2 . He began to say things to me that were upsetting and although I went back and forth with him for a few minutes , I reminded him that he wasn 't supposed to talk to me , but he kept right on going anyway - violation # 3 . When I got up and went to the stroller to get the baby who was now crying , he followed me , still talking - violation # 4 . He upset me so much by the stuff coming out of his mouth , including another slur about Emmanuel not being his son , that I told him the visit was over , called the children and told them to put their shoes on because it was time to go . As I tried to move the stroller , he blocked me from leaving by putting his foot in front of one of the wheels . I had to ask him to move , three times before he did - violation # 5 . He got to the exit before I did , as I maneuvered the stroller in between the arcade games and other patrons . The children were up ahead of me and I couldn 't see them directly because of the games that were blocking me . Just as I made my way to the front , my daughter jumps out , waving her hand frantically for me to come while calling in a panic stricken voice , " Mommy , mommy , hurry ! Solomon is going out with him ! " I looked out the door and see my husband about to pick up my 5 year old who has just gone out the door to him . He picks him up and turns in a hurry toward the parking lot . I left the stroller by the door and told my daughter and 3 year old to stay right there . I bolt out of the door and take my son from him . I don 't remember what we said to each other at that point , but once I took my son from him , he began to quickly walk toward his car . After he got halfway there , he turns around laughing , holding up what looked like his Blackberry , with a red light shining . My daughter had joined me outside at this point and also saw him holding the thing with the red light . She said that her first thought was that he was laughing and holding up the arcade card to show us that he had it and now they couldn 't play any more games . But then she said she saw the red light and knew that he was showing us a recorder . Well , he accomplished what he set out to do and that was upset me . He also upset the children and frightened and traumatized them yet again . My daughter told me that her legs were trembling and she was shaking . I know what she means because I had the same feeling coursing through my body . This was funny to him . Scaring and scarring his kids is funny to him . He could care less about the state he had just left his children in . He is despicable and diabolical . Well I guess he hadn 't thought of this , but he also accomplished something else , he broke the law . He didn 't take that into account as he made his tape which is recording him violating my order of protection . It is also against the law in PA to record someone without their consent . So I don 't know what good his tape will do him . Since I never did it before , I guess he didn 't expect me to do it now , but this time I called the police and filed a report . The DA called me and told me that the next time he came down here , he would be arrested . So when he showed up for the visit yesterday , the police were ready for him and took him into custody , as he waited for us to show up at the science center . We never even saw him , he was gone before we got there . The police officer that waited for me informed me that they picked him up already . I drove through the parking lot before we left , and sure enough , his car was there , silently covered in snow . My husband was arrested for the first time ever , for his abusive behavior towards me . He wasn 't arrested when he fractured my rib or nearly broke my arm . He wasn 't arrested when he slapped me , mushed me , pushed me or pulled my hair . He wasn 't arrested for spitting on me , cursing me or calling me everything but a child of God . He got away with committing felony assaults against me . That is the nature of sin . It tempts us to do evil , but doesn 't show us what will happen to us when we yield to it . He had this ingenious plan or so he thought , and it only ensnared him ! He played himself . " How long will you simple ones love your simple ways ? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge ? If you had responded to my rebuke , I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you . But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand , since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke , I in turn will laugh at your disaster ; I will mock when calamity overtakes you - - when calamity overtakes you like a storm , when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind , when distress and trouble overwhelm you . Then they will call to me but I will not answer ; they will look for me but will not find me . Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the Lord , since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke , they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes . For the waywardness of the simple will kill them , and the complacency of fools will destroy them ; but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease , without fear of harm . " Proverbs 1 . 22 - 33 This year was very unexpected . Nothing that happened in it was planned by me . It was a very hard year . It was full of difficulty and pain . There was so much heartache and tears . The wounds are deep . I hadn 't planned to leave my husband . I hadn 't planned to go into a shelter . I hadn 't planned to leave New York . I hadn 't planned to live with my sister , my mother or my friend . I hadn 't planned to have my baby by myself . I hadn 't planned to be a single mother . Still though , I 'm thankful . This year was the year that God planned to deliver me . It was the year when God knew that I was ready . He knew that all I had been through up until this year had equipped me for the exodus . He knew that I was at a place in my life where I would trust Him completely for the strength necessary for the journey . This has been a year of revolution in my life , and revolution is usually accompanied by war . The one oppressing my life had to be overthrown . God fought all the battles and handed me all the victories . My enemy pursued me in an attempt to crush me . In the end , he was defeated . The enemy of all mankind tried to tell me I couldn 't do it , I wouldn 't make it , that I was stupid and my life was over . But my heavenly Father said , " Not so . " I am so thankful . This was the year that a change was gonna come . All change begins with a decision . A decision got me in this relationship and a decision got me out . I decided that my children and I couldn 't live with the pain and the fear any longer . I decided that we deserved to live in peace . My decision passed judgement on something that had not really been a consideration and it translated into the catalyst I needed to act on it . God has truly caused all things to come together for our good . He has done some amazing things for us this year . There is not a single thing that I could 've made happen on my own in the perfect succession in which He did it . My children and I have witnessed first hand the way God does miracles today that are as awesome as the parting of the sea . When I walked out of the door of my prison / home with my children for the last time , I had no idea what to expect . I didn 't have a plan and I had no idea what would come next . I had just jumped off a cliff without a parachute . I stepped out to cross the sea without a bridge . But God showed me that He is my parachute and if I take the courage to jump He will bring me to the ground gently . He showed me that if I will step out in faith onto the water , He will build the bridge step by step as I go . He is my bridge over troubled waters . So on Thanksgiving and really everyday , I have so very much to be thankful for . I am thankful we are free . I am thankful we are safe . I am thankful that we no longer live in fear . When Thanksgiving rolled around the very first year that I was in a relationship with my husband , I naturally assumed we 'd spend it together . Unbeknownst to me , my husband ( boyfriend at the time ) had made plans behind my back to spend Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter . Not only would he be going over for dinner , he 'd be over early so that he could cook the turkey . When I called him to discuss what we 'd do for the holiday , that 's when he informed me of what his plans already were . I was dumbfounded . Who does that ? How can you be in a relationship with someone for 5 months and turn around and spend a major holiday with someone you 've been out of a relationship with for 5 months ? I asked him how could he do that ? I asked him not to do it . I asked him if I was invited ? I wasn 't . I told him that what he was doing wasn 't right , that he was in a relationship with me . But all of my pleading fell on cold deaf ears . His daughter wanted him to cook turkey ( so he says ) . Period . End of discussion . I was crushed . I cried . On top of that , he had the audacity to get mad at me . I was the one that was betrayed . Yet he proceeded to get loud and scream at me on the phone . He was cursing and probably foaming at the mouth . He cursed me up and down , in and out . Then he hung up on me . I was speechless . I had never been treated like that by anyone . I don 't even think I knew how to react . I said to myself , " Screw him , it 's over . I won 't answer his calls anymore . " I don 't know how many times over the years I 've gotten mad at myself for not sticking to that . How I 've agonized and wished desperately that I could turn back time and drop him right then and there . Of course he called me at some point and talked me back into this stupid thing with him . I don 't remember how long after he hung up on me or how soon before Thanksgiving that he called , but he had his idea of how the day would be for me . His idea : He 'd go over his ex girlfriend 's house and spend the entire day cooking and eating with them . I 'd spend this time waiting for him in his empty , cold apartment that he had just moved into in Brooklyn . He had no heat , almost no furniture and no cable . Then at the end of the day when he was full and they had their full of each other , he 'd come back and have his full of me . Mind you , I had a very nice apartment of my own in New Jersey that was fully furnished , warm , had cable and a nice stereo system . Why on earth would I drive to NY to sit in his cold dark apartment so that after he had his day with them he could come have his way with me ? I told him that wasn 't happening . I am proud to say that I didn 't go and I wasn 't his dessert that night , I was at least strong enough for that . A day or two before Thanksgiving , I had bought several bottles of alcohol and intended to drink them all by myself . I was hoping that I could drink myself to death actually . I was pretty depressed . This was the first Thanksgiving that I wasn 't spending with my son and soon to be ex - husband from my first marriage . They went to Virginia to spend the holiday with some of his family down there . He had actually invited me to come with them , but out of respect for my boyfriend that I thought I was in a serious relationship with , I declined . Now I felt stupid . I could 've gone with them if I knew what this fool was planning behind my back . I was lonely and low and I had a sociopath for a boyfriend , but didn 't know it at the time . Well , over the years Thanksgiving didn 't get better with him . The first one he spent with his ex and daughter . The second one he didn 't want to go anywhere or do anything , so we spent it alone . Maybe we had Chinese takeout , I don 't remember . The third one , he didn 't want to come with me to my grandmother 's house , and so on and so on . Thanksgiving became this time of trepidation for me . I would get anxious when the holiday was coming up , because I knew something bad or not right was going to go down . There were arguments or fights . Later when he finally had a steady job , he had to work and I was home alone with one baby , then two , then three . It felt lonely and sad . Growing up , Thanksgiving had always been so much fun . Everyone would come to my grandmother 's house for dinner . There were cousins and aunts and uncles . It was lively and loud . There was music and football and laughter . I greAfter several years with my husband I dreaded it . I wished it wasn 't even on the calendar . I knew that whatever warm good family time everyone else was having , whatever I would experience would be far from that . I began to not care about the holiday , even resent it . I hated that there was a day on the calendar to magnify the situation in my life and what I was missing . I wasn 't interested in going anywhere and didn 't really want to cook , but would for the sake of the children , even though they didn 't typically want any food that 's on the traditional Thanksgiving menu . They had no idea what a real family Thanksgiving was like , but I didn 't want them to not experience it altogether . So now it 's our first Thanksgiving of freedom . My first Thanksgiving in which Jeff is no longer in my life on a relationship level . But it 's still weird for me . I really don 't want to do anything or go anywhere . To have dinner with any of my family I have my choice of driving 2 & 1 / 2 hours , 3 hours or 5 hours one way , then same thing back again . It would be a waste of time for me to stay home and cook dinner for me and the children who pretty much wouldn 't want more than turkey and rice . For now I 've opted for the 2 & 1 / 2 hour drive . The joy of the holiday hasn 't returned yet and maybe it never will . But never is a long time , so I 'll remain hopeful . And my husband ? Will he be having a sad , lonely holiday , lamenting the loss of his beautiful wife and children ? Not at all ! The first Thanksgiving after leaving him , my husband will be spending it where he spent the first Thanksgiving after meeting him . That 's right , back with his ex and their now almost 21 year old daughter . Apparently since the children and I have been gone , that is where he has been spending a lot of his days and nights and weekends . Truth is , he was probably seeing her throughout the time we were together . I was never comfortable with his relationship with her . It was always secretive and sneaky . There were times when I questioned things and ended up getting cursed out or into a physical fight after he hit me because of it . Well , they picked up right where they left off as if their relationship was on pause or in a state of suspended animation . It 's as if I imagined the past 11 years . He took this break with her to come into and destroy my life , then go back to her as if the children and I never happened . And her pathetic behind is there as usual , to take him back into her life and into her bed as if the time he has spent married to another woman and having 4 children with her is of no consequence . Prior to me they had broken up a few times , probably because of his infidelities . He 'd go off do his thing , live with other women , the whole nine , then come back and she 'd lap him up . I didn 't matter to him and the fact that he was with me all these years doesn 't matter to her . I don 't get them . I don 't understand people like them . The closest I can come is that they are both nasty dogs . He 's the nasty dog that humps every bitch ( female dog ) in sight , and she 's the nasty bitch ( female dog , of course ) that keeps licking up her vomit for his humping . Nasty nasty . Well they deserve each other . So 11 years and 4 children later , Thanksgiving has come full circle . Now it is complete . He is finally and officially out of the circle of life with me and our children . Things ended where they began . Crazy as hell . One day things will be normal for me again . That first Thanksgiving was my warning , my preview of things to come . Unfortunately back then I was at such a low point in my life , I made an easy victim for him because I was too weak to fight for myself . Well , what 's done is done . In spite of all that has happened , I do have a lot to be thankful for . And I 'll give all my thanks in my next post . He spit on me . It was the most disgusting thing anyone on this planet had ever done to me . My husband spit on me , his wife , in front of our very young children . He spit in my face . He spit in my hair , on my chest , my head . I was spit on anywhere his spit landed . It felt like slime and it smelled soooooooo bad . He had one of the worst cases of halitosis of anyone that I had ever known . He smoked weed , had some rotting teeth in his mouth and barely brushed them . I had not kissed him beyond a peck for this very reason for years . Why did he spit on me ? Is there really ever a reason to spit on anyone ? From what I remember we were having a conversation that was related to an altercation from either the day before or earlier that day . We weren 't yelling or arguing , just quietly talking . I was in the bathroom and he was standing right outside the door . I don 't remember how the conversation began or everything that was said , but I do remember that right before he began spitting on me , I simply said , " There are men who hit and men who don 't . You are a man who hits . " Then as usual he changed in an instant . His face changed , his voice changed and I could see that evil glare in his eyes . He got loud and he said , " So I 'm a man that hits ? F # % K YOU ! " Then he spit in my face . I couldn 't believe he had just done that and my mind was reeling trying to process it . I guess my look of shock was pleasing to him , so he spit again . I said , " Jeff , please stop , " and put my head down to shield my face . He kept saying , " F # % K YOU , " and continued to spit . I began to cry and squeezed past him out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen all the while asking him to stop . He followed me and continued this scene of cursing , gathering his spit and projecting it onto me , while little Justina and Solomon sadly looked on . I went back into the bathroom and he followed me and at some point he stopped and walked away . I was crying and began to try and wash the stench off of me . I used soap and water to try and get the funk out of my hair and off my skin . I didn 't retaliate , yell , argue or fight with him this day . I just cried . I 'm not a spitter so I wasn 't going to go follow him and start spitting back . What he did was so hurtful that all I wanted was to get away from him . When I left the bathroom I went straight to the bedroom and got the phone and called my dad . I told him that Jeff was starting trouble again and asked if the kids and I could come over and he said of course we could . As I packed a bag for us , Jeff suddenly changed again . He was asking me not to go . He was acting like he was sorry and began pleading with me not to go . I told him that he had proved my point . I said there are men who abuse and men who don 't and his getting angry and spitting on me , was exactly what I was talking about . It was the kind of man that he is . But I was going no matter what he said . I was shocked , hurt and humiliated . I felt a new level of degradation and disrespect . I couldn 't stomach to be around him . While at my dad 's , he called several times to talk to me and tell me he was wrong and he was sorry . Words he didn 't mean . They 're included in the abuser 's bag of tricks . What I don 't understand is , if you have so much contempt for someone that you have to curse them filthily and spit on them repeatedly , why would you want to be with them ? If he hated me so much ( for what reason , I 'll never know ) why not just leave me ? Well after 2 days , the kids and I returned . He was over his act of humility in about a day , and the abuse continued in its regular fashion of cursing , name calling , controlling , hitting and fighting . I 've wondered sometimes , how many people have ever been spit on ? How many of them were spit on by someone they loved ? Then I 'd think about Jesus . He was spit on too . He was spit on by people He loved . The sinners He came to die to save , spit on Him in addition to verbally and physically abusing Him . I was loving my husband , forgiving him and staying with him , when he didn 't deserve me , my forgiveness or my love . I 'm not Jesus and not even close to being like Him , yet . But I 'm doing my best to follow His example in my life . Knowing that He went through something that I went through , helps me see it in a different light . I 'm in the company of the Savior . Granted , we experienced the same thing for very different reasons , but I 'm sure the way it felt was the same - it hurt . I 'm pretty sure no one will ever spit on me again in my life . But if it happened again , it surely wouldn 't be done by someone who is supposed to love me . According to my husband he only had one fight with a male in his life . He was in high school and had said something smart to an obviously gay young man that I guess he 'd thought nothing of on account of the guy being gay . But to his surprise , this effeminate young man , jumped a fence or wall and got to him and beat him up , embarrassing and humiliating him in front of whoever was around to see it . From that time on , he only fought women and terrorized children . He was arrested on a domestic violence charge after assaulting another woman he lived with when she called the police and he spent the weekend in jail . The charges were eventually dismissed because he blackmailed her into dropping them . While they lived together , she paid for some stuff at Victoria 's Secret with one of his checks that she signed . So he told her that if she didn 't drop the charges , he would press charges against her for forgery . When he first told me this story shortly after meeting me , he said that she was crazy and had made the whole thing up . He said that she just wanted to get him out of his apartment , as he was forced to leave due to the charges against him . He also said that she peed on his kitchen floor for no reason , she slept with a knife under her side of the bed , and she was forging his checks . Prior to him driving her across the country to come live with him , he said they had been good friends for a long time . Then I guess without provocation , she let the psycho out of the bag . I believed him at first , because I had no reason not to . I had known him for a few weeks or so and he appeared anything but abusive . He was charming , polite , funny , fun , smart and a gentleman . So she must 've been crazy , right ? He kept telling me that I was beautiful and that I was making him fall in love with me . I believed him hook , line and sinker . It wasn 't until years later , after enduring physical and every other kind of abuse there was and being called crazy and off to the point where I began to think I was , did I begin to realize , that he actually abused that woman . I don 't know if that was the first time he hit her or the last , but she called the police that day . I understood the fear she must have felt when she peed on herself and why she slept with that knife under her side of the bed . I also had " went " on myself once , I had been that afraid too . I confronted him years later after another abusive episode and told him that I believed he did hit that girl and that 's why she called the police . And you know what ? He admitted it . He kinda laughed about it as if he was just busted stealing a cookie from the cookie jar . I guess he must have been thinking , " Very good stupid , you finally figured it out . " He nonchalantly recounted his version of the story to me , admitting to choking her at one point , smiling and laughing at times , as if proud of himself . Although I wasn 't surprised at this information , I was still dumbstruck at hearing it . I felt like a fool . I had been had . But it was too late now , I was trapped . I had children with this psycho . Why didn 't I see this incident as a red flag from the beginning , no matter what the version ? He played the pity card so well , I fell for it and had even felt bad that this nice guy had to endure a weekend in jail because of a crazy scheming ex - girlfriend . He was , excuse me , IS a very skilled liar , Ted Bundy style - doing it with a smile . My husband took pride in the fact that he never punched me , in his mind that meant he wasn 't abusive . When I would tell him he hit me , he would say , " I didn 't hit you , I mushed you . " Well , he mushed me . He pushed me . He smacked me . He slapped me . He shoved me , squeezed me , and dug his nails into me . He threw things at me . He pulled my hair . He wrestled me . He fought me like someone he 'd fight on the street . Over the past 10 years , I was covered with hundreds of bruises and had dozens and dozens of cuts and scratches . He did all of these things in front of our innocent and frightened children . He didn 't care what they saw or how terrified they were . He ignored their cries and screams . At times I was able to get them into the bedroom and close the door to shield them . But they could still hear those awful sounds of adults fighting . Sounds you sometimes can hear forever . He was a family terrorist . Once he slammed my arm in a door when I was about 7 months pregnant with our first child . My arm was very swollen , scratched up , sore and had just about all the colors of the rainbow . I had never seen a bruise like it . It looked really bad and felt terrible . I thought that I should probably go to the hospital , but I didn 't . I was afraid of what would happen to him and then to me and the baby . We were basically homeless at the time , renting a room from a heroin junkie in Washington Heights . He was making pennies working as a security guard , but they were the only pennies there were at the time . I was afraid to be alone and have the baby without him . To this day there is a lump in my right forearm from that injury . That was about one of the worst and most painful injuries he had ever given me . He fought me throughout all of my pregnancies . Most people are careful , helpful and kind to pregnant women . He isn 't one of them . He wouldn 't even open a door for me and rarely helped me with anything . I still had just as much housework and child - work as I did when not pregnant . He didn 't care and had not one ounce of shame in his game . My being pregnant with his baby didn 't matter in the least to him . He would fight me like a man no matter what stage of pregnancy I was in - early , mid , late term or freshly delivered . The harm he could have done to me or the baby wasn 't even a passing thought to him . Then again , maybe it was . He would fight me if I was holding the baby or nursing the baby and would even attack me if he were holding one of them . He would get angry and sometimes take whichever baby he was holding and shove them forcefully into me . The babies were no deterrence to him . If he wanted to hit me or hurt me , he would and no one , no matter how precious or fragile would stop him . He fractured my rib . One day he started a major fight with me , it was an exceptionally scary one for some reason , and sticks out in my mind . Our third child , Joshua was about 6 months old at the time and lying on the bed . Jeff was tackling me onto the bed and we rolled on the baby . I was screaming at him about hurting the baby , he didn 't care . Then at one point he had me pinned down on the bed and began crushing me with all his body weight . He pressed on me and pressed on me until I felt like I couldn 't breathe . Then I felt a cracking in my ribs and then a sharp pain under my right breast . I screamed and he finally got up . I told him that I was in a lot of pain and it hurt to breathe , that I believed he fractured my rib . When I told him that I needed to go to the hospital , suddenly he turned caring and concerned , as if he wasn 't the cause of it . He told me not to try to move . Then he went to the computer and looked up rib fractures I guess . He came back and told me that I didn 't need to go to the hospital , that they don 't do anything for it , that it just heals on its own in about 6 weeks . I just had to take it easy . Every breath I took caused a piercingly sharp pain , so I had to breathe softly and shallowly . I tried to pick up the baby and it hurt . He told me that he would help me with heavy lifting until I felt better . He was actually kinda nice to me for the rest of the day and a couple days afterward . I thank God it was a fracture and not a break that could 've punctured my lung . That was the most serious injury he had ever inflicted upon me . He had sex with me whenever he wanted to and as many times as he wanted . Other than my body , it had nothing to do with me . It was him gratifying himself . He lied to me about most things . But during the 2 - 5 minutes he used me to get himself off , he would tell me how much he loved my body . That is one of the few things he said that I believe was the truth . He didn 't love me , but he loved what my body did for him . It was basically vaginal masturbation . I was never on the pill and never wanted to be . I simply don 't trust drugs and things that have to be ingested that aren 't natural . So I didn 't want any injections or implants that secrete drugs or hormones or anything of that nature . I didn 't want to end up with cervical , breast or some other form of cancer one day . I had an IUD for 10 years prior to him and wanted to go back to that . But it cost about $ 500 and we didn 't have insurance . He kept telling me we would get it , but somehow found other things to spend our money , excuse me , his money on . He bought condoms but rarely used them , at least not with me . That 's why we have so many children together , not because I loved reproducing with him . Having sex was not usually a mutual decision . I was usually awakened in the wee hours of the morning to being penetrated . He never asked me if I wanted to or if I was in the mood . There was no foreplay . As far as he was concerned , I was his property and he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with me whether it was hit me or screw me . Was I being raped ? I 'm still not sure . It wasn 't violent and I didn 't stop him . But I didn 't stop the predator that raped me over several months when I was 14 either and I 'm pretty sure that was rape . Speaking of which , my husband once told me shortly before I left him , that I had so many children because I was raped when I was younger and he was dead serious . I looked at him and thought , " You really are insane and think you can make me believe anything you say . " I asked him if that were the case , how come I only had one child from one husband whThis was my husband and when he was done " doing his business , " instead of feeling loved , I felt like an unloved worthless piece of meat . . . In the early days of our relationship when I was working , he would call me at work to argue with me after he had kept me up all night arguing with me . I would hang up on him and he would call back again and again . I got in trouble with my job once and was put on probation after he called me over and over again when I went in to work overtime on a weekend . All the calls were monitored because it was a PC help - desk . They were able to see that when I was supposed to be taking calls from clients , I was receiving repeated calls on an outside line from this maniac . Later on when I was a stay at home mom , I didn 't have access to anything that had to do with money . I was on the same level as the kids in the home . His name was the only one on any account . He and he alone held any credit cards there were . He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for any and all bank accounts . He and he alone knew the account and pin numbers for the stock account . He moved the money and only he knew exactly how much was coming in and going out . He doled out small sums of money to me on an " as needed basis . " Once he started working off the books , I didn 't even know how much he made . Times were always tough with him , but there were some times that got rougher than others . Although I was staying at home with our children , I offered to go to work at least part time to ease things a bit . He was always against it . He said the money I made would just go to pay for daycare or that it wouldn 't add on that much and it was more important for me to be at home with the kids . He would say that he 'll do overtime or something . Anything that he would come up with was just to keep me at home . He didn 't want me to be out there making any money of my own . He didn 't want me to do anything that he couldn 't be in control of . I rarely bought anything for myself . No new clothes , shoes , or anything . I didn 't get my hair or nails done . Even when I received money as gifts from my mom or dad for my birthday or Mother 's Day , I didn 't really use it on me . I used it for the kids or the home . It allowed me to be able to purchase things without having to go to him . If felt good to be able to just go buy some toothpaste on my own instead of having letting him know we needed it , because either he 'd get it or he 'd give me a few dollars to get it . On the few occasions when I did need to get something for myself , he 'd take me shopping and pay for it . When he went shopping for himself , which was way more frequent , he 'd go alone . When I needed something , the whole family had to come along . I felt like a stupid kid . I felt under pressure and rushed because the children were restless and he 'd be giving off this energy and look like , " Hurry up . " I also felt like I was being watched . I felt uncomfortable and couldn 't shop in peace . I would usually end up quickly taking something I didn 't want or say that I couldn 't find anything and continue to do without , just to end the shopping experience . On the one trip he took me on in the 11 years I was with him , he was actually picking out my clothing . Instead of giving me a couple hundred dollars and letting me go to the store like the grown woman that I was , he took me shopping like a parent takes a child . I felt like his daughter instead of his wife . I would pick out things that I liked and showed it to him for approval . If he didn 't approve , it was put back . I think of all the things that were purchased for me for that trip , I may have only picked out 1 or 2 pieces . He picked out ugly , cheap and cheesy , hookerish looking costume earrings for me and like a good abusee , I wore them . He even picked out my sunglasses . I didn 't even like them and told him I wanted to look around at some other kinds . He got an attitude and began to say something to the effect of , " What 's wrong with these ? They look good on you , they 're fine , you don 't need to look at anymore . " I knew where this would go , so I just shut up and took the stupid glasses . I felt like I was in some Lifetime Network " bad man " TV movie . I remember thinking , " This can 't be real . I can 't believe this is happening . I 've shopped for myself my whole life and at 37 years old , he is picking out my clothes and accessories ? ! ! This is bad , really bad . . . " He was verbally abusive . My husband called me the " B " word so many times over the years , I 'd probably be a millionaire if I had a penny for each time . Sometimes he 'd jazz it up , by starting it off with " stupid , f # c % king , ghetto ( or a combination of those ) . Funny being called ghetto by someone that grew up in the projects of Harlem , who I was academically superior to and spoke better than . Anyway , he 'd scream it at me right in the faces of our children , or my son who was over for a visit . I would not have been surprised if it were our babies ' first words . I remember once I was cooking some oatmeal for our daughter who was a baby at the time , maybe 9 months old . I held her on my hip with one arm , while I cooked with the other . My husband was screaming and cursing and berating me as usual for who knows what and got up in my face so close that I could feel his breath and his spit as he called me an " f @ c % king ghetto b # t % h ! , " at the top of his lungs . I often wonder if my baby girl thought he was screaming it at her , as her face was right there in the midst . I threw the cinnamon that I was holding in his face and he flew into a rage and hit me . He 'd call me stupid , dumb , idiot and on one occasion told our then 4 year old daughter to , " Call mommy a stupid , dumb , idiot . " My daughter was crying and said , " NO ! " Our son Solomon who was 2 years old at the time , happened to be sitting on his father 's lap and hit his father in the face . Jeff then , smacked this baby in his tiny little face and made him cry . I screamed at him and took the baby from him . But none of this shut him up , he kept going and going . He would call me crazy and tell me that I was " off " and that I had issues . I would be sad or depressed obviously because of how I was being treated . At some point almost everyday I would go into the bathroom to cry . If he saw me and could tell I had been crying , he would ask me in his cruel way of saying things , " What is wrong with you ? " Before one of the last altercations three days before Christmas 2008 , he began to berate me because some Nintendo Wii Systems that he asked me to post on eBay didn 't sell as he thought they would so that he could make some money . He told me that this happened because he followed me down the wrong path again . I reminded him that this wasn 't my idea it was his , all I did was post them . He kept going on until we were in an argument . He said this was all another part of my stupid life . I told him that I could tell him about my stupid life and got up and went into the bedroom . He followed right behind me and said something , and when I turned around , he hit me in the face . An terrible fight ensued . He would tell me that I was nothing and would never be anything . He would yell and had a filthy mouth full of poisonous venom . He had a low life ignorant street vocabulary and he 'd curse and say a lot of mean and nasty things . He was like a septic tank that was constantly backing up . . . He was psychologically abusive . He was jealous , possessive and controlling . Early in the relationship , he went to Vegas with his friend for a week , and I 'm sure whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas . When I asked him about what they did when they weren 't having a meeting with someone , he told me he stayed in his hotel room - in Sin City . Yeah , right . I was offered an opportunity about a month or so later , to go to Jamaica and do a photo shoot for a swimsuit calendar . When I told him , he discouraged me of course . You would think that a guy would be proud of that - his girlfriend in a swimsuit calendar ! Don 't guys like to show off that kind of thing ? Well he told me that the guy who made me the offer just wanted to f # c % me . I told him that I wouldn 't be going for that and that he could come if he wanted to ; they were going to pay my way , so we could pay for his . But he held his position and didn 't want me to do the shoot or go period . He was just my boyfriend and I had only been with him for about 4 months . I was a grown woman , and this was my life . I didn 't have to listen to him . I could do whatever I wanted to right ? I didn 't go . He isolated me . He didn 't want me to go see any of the friends in my life that I had prior to knowing him . He didn 't want me to communicate at all with a very close male friend of mine that I had known for about 6 years before I met him , because according to Jeff , my friend also wanted to f # c % me . He didn 't want me to go do anything social that didn 't involve him , while he kept doing everything he did prior to me . I often wouldn 't even know he had gone to something until after he came back . He went to a Christmas party at the studio that he was working with when we met . This party was wild and had a LIVE SEX show go on . He watched it . Those were the kinds of parties he went to , but I couldn 't go to my corporate office Christmas parties or after work get togethers anymore . There was one Christmas party for a company I worked for that we were supposed to be going to as a couple , but he didn 't want to go and didn 't want me to go either , so he started a fight . I ended up cut up and bloodied . Needless to say , I stayed home . He didn 't even want me to go to any of my family 's functions . On Thanksgiving for years , he didn 't want to go anywhere and didn 't want me to go either . One year he acted all pitiful and said that he just wanted to spend time with just me . Another year he said , he just didn 't want to be around my family . I believe my son was with me that year , so I just left him and my son and I went . The only Thanksgiving he ever seemed interested in celebrating was our first one , that he spent cooking and eating with his ex and their daughter , while I spent it alone . Even once we had children , the holidays were always tense and sometimes he flat out ruined them by making them into a day of horror with arguing or fighting . This last Christmas of 2008 the kids and I spent with my sister and her daughters after he came back from his business trip and started a terrible fight just 3 days before Christmas . Prior to that , the month had actually been going nice and I thought we were going to finally have a rare wonderful holiday . But getting back to his control early on , eventually over time , I learned to not go anywhere , it was too much of a hassle . I would spend all my free time with him as if there was an invisible chain around my neck , like the one Jabba the Hut had around Princess Lea in Star Wars . One year for Valentine 's Day , I picked him up at the mall he was working in and saw that he didn 't have a gift for me . So I jokingly said to him , " No gift for me ? " He explained to me that he didn 't have time to shop for a gift for me . ( He worked at the freaking mall in a store that engraves gifts ! ) When I pointed that out to him , he got angry and began yelling and cursing and when we stopped at a red light on a street that was a semi highway , he jumped out the car screaming that he would " go get me a # $ % & gift , " and began walking back in the direction of the mall . It was snowing pretty hard and we were already about 1 / 2 a mile away from the mall . I couldn 't believe he had just reacted that way . But instead of turning around to get him , I just drove on home . I was mad that he went psycho like that and was determined not to go back and get him . When he showed up at home hours later with a gift from Victoria 's Secret and gave it to me as if nothing had happened , I told him that he shouldn 't have gotten it . The spirit in which a gift is supposed to be given was ruined by his reaction and that now it didn 't feel the same . Well , what did I say that for ? He immediately flew into another rage and began to scream , curse and tear the gift up and throw it at me . terroristic tirades , he 'd often break the things in my apartment . He would throw them , leaving a hole in the wall and the object in pieces . He broke my house phone that cost me about $ 125 . He broke the mouse to my PC . He broke my French blinds . He broke a watch that I had given him for Christmas . He was clearly always in control of his actions and very aware and intentional about what he broke because he never threw or broke anything that he owned , paid for or meant anything to him . During this time period of about 2 years , I was working and except for his 5 month stint at the mall and a month or two at a couple of supermarkets , Jeff was not . He was living with me , but not contributing and while I was at work , he 'd be getting high all day and making beats . I remember being so afraid sometimes when I came home from work , that as I 'd be putting my key in the lock of my own front door , I was trembling and my heart was racing . I didn 't know what to expect that night . Would I get through the night in peace or did I just unlock the door to Hell , again . . . . . . ? He was emotionally abusive . His behavior was very hurtful to my heart . It was like he went out of his way to make sure that I didn 't feel good about myself . Very rarely would he compliment me . I could go to the hair dresser and come back looking pretty darn good . Most men would naturally compliment the women in their lives when they come back fresh from the salon . It would be strange and unnatural if they didn 't . Well , the unnatural is what Jeff would do to me . I would walk in and when I saw him , I thought his face would light up and he 'd tell me how good I looked or at least that my hair looked nice . He would say nothing . It would be as if I just came back from the laundromat or something . Not a word . It would hurt my feelings , but I 'm sure that was the intention behind his silence . He would find more fault and reasons to criticize me , than to encourage me and lift me up . He operated under , " If you have something nice to say , DON ' T ! " When our daughter was about a year old , I wrote what I thought was a cute little rhyming story for her and was proud of it . I shared it with Jeff and I don 't remember what he said , but I remember how it felt , it stung . After he was done ripping it apart , I felt stupid and small and didn 't want to share anything I wrote with anyone ever again . He didn 't support any of my dreams or goals . He didn 't support the things I liked to do or was interested in . Our lives became about him , his interests and the things he wanted to do . He would criticize what I watched on TV if it were not something he 'd watch . Yet any of the trash he looked at was fine . I have always had an interest in the law and eventually got my A . S . in Criminal Justice , which was to be the first leg on my journey to law school . So naturally , true crime shows interested me . He would make comments about me being so morbid . In 2005 I started writing and publishing a newsletter for my family . I would write short articles on spiritual matters , family , news that you don 't hear on regular TV , and anything else that would be He would disrespect me when it came to other women and let me know that he was a man and he could look at naked women if he wanted to , when I expressed to him that it hurt me when he did . He would let his ex disrespect me and call any hour of the night , and kept his daughter away from me because his ex didn 't want her around me . He spent our first Thanksgiving with his ex and their daughter and I wasn 't invited . He made these plans behind my back and when I complained about it , he cursed me out and hung up the phone on me . I bought Christmas gifts for his daughter one year when he was broke . I also stayed up until the wee hours of the morning wrapping them by myself along with gifts I had for my son . I think Christmas is for the children and I didn 't want her not to have gifts from her father . As we got ready to go into NY and give them to her , he let me know that I wouldn 't be coming upstairs with him . He told me that I wasn 't welcome . He said , " That woman don 't want you in her house . " Since I was not welcome , then I didn 't see the need for me to drive into NY from my apartment in NJ . But it was getting late into the evening and his mother had already called him cursing him out and saying that she would attack me if she ever got near me , because she believed that I was keeping him from his daughter . She didn 't know that he was getting high most of the day and sleeping off and on . So he needed me to drive him into the city so that he could get there fast . I was upset and crying after being yelled at and told I wasn 't welcome after doing what I felt was a kind gesture on my part . But I responded like most abuse victims do . I pleased my abuser and did what he wanted me to do , confused within myself as to why I couldn 't just say no . When we got there , I guess he sensed that I might leave while he was upstairs , and I had it in my mind to do just that . So again he pleaded with me not to leave . And although I tossed the idea around while he was up in the apartment with his ex playing Santa with the Posted by

It was such a lovely weekend . The weather was perfect with sunny days and cool evenings . As I sit here checking in the last of my reservations for this evening and waiting for he who tows to return , I am surrounded with a deep sense of contentment . Some kampers were up last evening for cards and we just had the best time . We played hearts and I did not win ! I was not the biggest loser either . . . . pun intended . My sweet husband was and the funniest part is that he missed two hands to take a stranded motorist call and still managed to acquire the most points . The call he took was to a lock - out . He left the kampground to go get the truck with all the necessary equipment and then head out to the call which was 20 miles away . He returned before we had played two hands . The call was cancelled . . . . . they decided that since it was a convertible to just cut a hole in the top . Seriously , you cannot make this stuff up . Rather than pay $ 50 , they did about $ 3000 in damage . 2 . The car was borrowed . Like from a parent and they couldn 't wait for it to be opened . They were past curfew . I picture a group of kids , " Dude , we 're late , we don 't have time to wait . " " Hey , the top is cloth and I have a pocket knife . . . problem solved . " Oddly enough , he got another call this morning for a lock - out and it cancelled before he got there , too . So , I started think about all the strange people he encounters over the roads . One morning he got a call for a tow . It was a young man whose car had broken down . Now , when he tows the driver and passengers of the vehicle ride in the truck with him . No matter , my husband is a people person and can talk with anyone , or simply ignore them if they want to be left alone . This particular young man had just met the woman of his dreams . He had found her on - line and they had had their first meeting . He was enthralled with her . He who tows did not need to talk , just listen . He was waxing eloquent about the beauty and virtues of this dream woman , saying more than once that she was " the one " , he just knew it and that he was in love with her . My favorite apple tree is the golden delicious . I always pick those first and try to leave a few for those autumn mornings that are find me working on the grounds . The crows were in residence this year and pretty much topped all my apple trees . It is almost like the Killdeer put out the word that I am bird friendly . But , this last lone apple has my name all over it . Nothing tastes so wonderful as ripe fruit straight from the tree . This apple did not disappoint . Walk along with me . I have an old feeding trough for cattle with a cherry tomato plant thriving in it . I just hope it will stay warm long enough to harvest all the tomatoes . The sister tough has Roma tomatoes . I have already harvested and frozen some for sauce . Looks like I will have at least a bushel from these plants if the weather holds just a bit longer . I confess that I popped a few cherry tomatoes that were ripe right into my mouth . Balancing my breakfast . Admire my new garden plot with me as I wipe the apple juice from my chin . I had been wanting to define my side yard for awhile and the weather cooled enough for some hard work . I actually dug up most of the sod and took it to a site that needed grass and reused it . The dirt was a gift from he who was working with the front end loader in the back of the park . I was fully prepared to haul the dirt in the wheelbarrow . I was determined to get it done . Another view of my new garden plot . It has rained for the past three days and all that is left to do is mulch it in . I planted some lilies and some mossy ground cover . If I encounter some interesting perennials on the clearance shelf in WalMart 's garden center ( I call it the rescue center ) , I will add them later . That is where the mums came from last year when I was building this garden . I think I paid 50 cents a piece for the 6 mums this mound represents . I think they like it there in Paul 's garden . I recently rescued this grass and stuck it right here at the edge of the plot next to the entrance drive . Paid $ 1 . 47 for it and it was all brown and ugly with some new growth barely visible at the base of the plant . I carefully snipped away at the dead stuff and revealed some purple spires about 6 inches long . It is over waist high now and I can 't wait to see what it does next year . Breakfast is over and the sun is peeking through the clouds . Now , if I can get that mulcher started I will feed all the bark and slivers of wood from the pile next to the log splitter to it and make my own mulch . Reduce , reuse . . . . . . . . recycle . Tossed my apple core in the compost bin . That 's me , always setting a good example . This is one of my favorite little people . Well , not so little anymore . This is Gavin , the boy much loved by a dog , the subject of a book . My baby 's baby . Looks like his Papa . He is an outgoing and sweet natured boy . Popular , too . So popular that friends want to call him on the phone . It happens . He is , after all , a third grader . Everybody wants to know his number . So he shares it with his new friends . His mom 's cell number . They had a chat about which number he was to give out . He has always known her cell number and they only recently got a number for their house . He was instructed to give that number to all his friends . I received a letter from Gavin this week . He wrote it and sealed it up before his mom sent it . I called her right away to tell her what the letter said : Dear Gramma ( not spelled exactly like this ) , Call the home phone if you want to call me . Love , Gavin . Tell Wall - E that I love him . I wonder if I am the only one who got written notification ? And he considers me to be one of his friends . . . . . . . . I cried a little . Is he the sweetest boy ever ? Three of my favorite little faces . I wish I could cover these faces with kisses . So nice to find this in my e - mail after a long day of outdoor chores . In case you have never read this before , these are my granddaughters , Maya , Zara and Jada . You may be wondering about the title . If you have not seen this show on TLC yet , you must have heard all the talk . Saturday Night Live , the Today show , too . Makes me remember when Roseanne Barr came to the attention of everyone . Funny ? Yes , but so distasteful . Outrageous , for sure . Honey Boo - Boo is the youngest of the disrespectful brood of children . Her " attitude " may be cute to some , but I find her to be in need of some discipline . The other three children are in the background and are equally undisciplined . For some reason , he who watches very little TV , actually CHOOSES to watch this . He thinks it is hilarious and depicts a true portrait of southern living . It is true that people in the south do , indeed , live like this . . . . . . . . but every region has some that live of the edge of normalcy . They are the exception , not the rule . The " Mama " of this tribe is exploiting her family shamelessly and holding them up for ridicule . Is this some deranged attempt at popularity ? They enter the chunky little girl , Honey Boo - Boo , in beauty pageants and seem to spend an outrageous amount of money on dresses , make - up , and coaching for the child . Money that would be better spent on cooking nutritious food for the family . Their favorite meal is " sketti " topped with butter and ketchup . Wasn 't real butter , but whipped margarine , just in case you may be thinking that were at least getting a dairy product . They are also fond of candy and those artificially flavored cheese balls that you can buy in those huge barrel shaped plastic jugs . They don 't eat at a table , prompting one of the daughters to quip , " don 't need no table manners , don 't eat at no table " . The table is surrounded with plastic shelving units filled with the results of extreme couponing . . . . . . . . . mostly toilet tissue . This same table hosted a manners coach trying to teach the beauty pageant contestant some basic table manners . The older sister joined the lesson and asked if it would be okay to fart at the table . This lesson went by the wayside when the youngest met Miss Georgia and shared a meal with her and farted at the table , then announced it . Charming . She then said that Miss Georgia was pretty and she bet that Miss Georgia didn 't fart . This is all hilarious to my husband . I just can 't get past the fact that this is not an SNL skit , it is a reality show and this woman is exploiting her children by making them the butt of a joke . And she can 't cook ! This is a wedge of a stump end . I was torn between a watermelon wedge and a slice of pizza . Can 't eat either one , but the watermelon is healthier . . . . . . just in case Honey Boo - Boo reads this . Posted by Toni Louise continues to heal . Her bandage is still intact . I have caught her chewing at it a couple of times , but she pretty much leaves it alone . I put a nice soft pillow in the kennel and prepared for the homecoming . I thought she would be more comfortable and it would be easier to restrict her activity . Wall - E was her first visitor . His ears are back and down . This means he is still very worried about his playmate . Wall - E is sensitive and worries a lot . The kennel did not last long . Toni Louise prefered to be with her best friends and lay on an old blanket on the floor . I was afraid she would try to jump up on the couch , but she didn 't even try . She did try to jump into our bed the first night and fell , but I caught her . I think it scared me more than her . She has to take an antibiotic twice daily and some liquid meds for pain once at bedtime . Greenies makes these fabulous beef flavored pill pockets . They smell like beef jerky and she loves them . I would have used bread and peanut butter , but these are less messy and she thinks it is a treat . The first night she slept like a baby . Oscar woke me at 3 : 24 . I took him out and he wandered aimlessly through the yard . This went on for about 10 minutes before I insisted that he come back in . I was so annoyed , I could not go back to sleep and watched the sun rise . Last night he slept fine . Toni Louise woke me . I have no idea what time it was , it was still dark , though . All three dogs went out and this time Toni was the one wandering around the yard . She followed the other two in and walked straight into the wall , bumping her head against it and just standing there . I was watching her , figuring she was goofy from her pain meds . . . . . . then she peed in the floor ! It smelled like her antibiotics and before I could mop it up , Wall - E pranced through the puddle and hopped into my bed . . . . . . . . . . on my clean sheets . So , today was another big laundry day and I could not go back to sleep again ! Tomorrow , Toni Louise will get her bandages changed , and then again in a week . Mr . Martha will be going along on the last visit . He will be losing his ability to procreate , and I will have another furry patient to tend . Reunions will start all over again . This is Toni Louise . Look at that mischievious sparkle in her eye . She is my escape artist . She loves to run and run . Any opportunity and she will bolt from the gate or the door and run like the wind . So sweet , my Toni Louise . This is the sweet little girl in my lap every night . . . . . . . . whether or not I want her to be . She will use her head to lift my hands from my laptop and demand my attention . She will pounce on my keyboard and not give up until she has all the affection she wants . And just look at that sweet face . . . . . . . . who could not love her ? Mr . Martha , the cat , is her favorite plaything and she is his . Wall - E , being older and wiser , knew better than to push his luck and stayed on the property and let his Papa pick him up . Toni Louise , however , hit the black top and was galloping down the road to parts unknown . After dropping off escapee # 1 , Doggie Daddy took off after the willfull Toni Louise . I have had to round her up before and can tell you from experience that this is no easy task . Scolding just rolls off her like water , bribery does not work , either . I spent an entire afternoon chasing her one day . . . . . . . in my car . At first I rolled along the roads of the park and lied about treats through the window . Then she took off down the road after a car . My heart in my throat , I followed in my car and lost sight of her . That is , until I looked out the window to find her loping along beside me . I was going about 15 mph ! She looked like she was grinning at me . I noticed a delivery truck coming into my park and I growled at her to stay out of my way and threw the car in reverse and backed half a mile down the road to recieve the pool paint . The Fed - X driver joined me in trying capture her . We finally corralled her into the fenced area around the pool . He went on his way and I spent about 30 minutes chasing her round and round until she discovered the steps and raced into the almost empty pool . Then I chased her on a slope . I was lining treats up to try to grab her , but she was too fast . Then . . . . . . . . . then she discovered the nasty , slimy , utterly gross water that needed to be pumped out and proceeded to prance through it and splash it everywhere . This made her slimy and slick , so that when I grabbed her she would slip right through my hands . This all ended with her consuming half a pound of hot dogs and getting a bath . I was not happy , but she was going through her toddler stage . I thought the search party would be out longer , so I was more than a little surprised when a mere 5 minutes later I saw the golf cart with Toni Louise aboard rolling up to the office . I went out to pick her up and scold her . I lifted her and carried her in the store and told her how unhappy I was that she had pulled her latest stunt . Tail wagging and licks to my face ensued and I noticed a funky odor . . . . . familiar . I have smelled this before . Can 't place it . I put the bad girl down and noticed her limping . Then we see the blood on the inside of her hind leg . I remember the odor I could not place . Same odor that my other bad girl , Louise , the Saint Bernard , had when she ran into the SUV and crushed her elbow . I looked at my Toni Louise 's eyes then and knew that she was hurt pretty bad and shocky . I called my vet and relayed all the information . Toni Louise had surgery last night . Her hip was dislocated and the blood and wound on her lower leg was full of gravel . I saw one truck on that road before she got on the golf cart . Don 't know if she chased it and took a slight hit and tumbled , or simply lost her footing and flipped over . Last night was very subdued for the remaining animals . I am sure they were aware of the odor she emitted and they saw her carried out with towel around her to immobilize her and catch the blood . Last time they saw one of their own leave wrapped in a towel , she did not return . Two of the saddest little dogs climbed into bed last night and snuggled close to me . Even Mr . Martha , the cat was looking for his best buddy . I recently bought a Baby George Foreman Rotisserie . I know you are thinking , " Does she think this is a new thing ? " I know I don 't get out much , but I am not that isolated . I bought mine from my favorite consignment store , Four Doors Down . Ten bucks . It looks new , like it was only used once them cleaned with a magic eraser . That made me suspicious . Maybe it doesn 't even work . I had a couple of pre - packaged filets wrapped in bacon . My new rotisserie was lacking a manual . I looked it up on line and cooked my steak . I am impressed ! It was tasty and the only problem was the bacon unrolling and sticking out . It was over done . My fault for not securing it better . Yesterday I did a chicken . It was better that the ones I buy at the grocery . I shoved an apple up the butt of my chicken before I tied it up . I have an abundance of apples and I figured it couldn 't hurt , might help . It was so good and moist . My only problem today is trying to find something to rotisserie ! It is a dreary day . Soup or chili sounds good and I don 't know that the rotisserie will be called into action . So , on to my trusty crockpot . The crock pot has been busy all week with apples . Apple butter and applesauce . So easy and the house smells like cinnamon . But , how much applesause and applebutter can two people eat ? Still , I am thinking about making more today and freezing it . I don 't know why . I have been giving apples away as fast as I can and I will be making apple pies this weekend . Apple muffins , apple bread , apple fritters , baked apples . . . . . . . . . . . I am open to any apple ideas . Some days . I have been engaged in a day long fight with the internet . Wait , not the internet . Blogger . Blogger keeps spitting me into blogosphere . Not recognizing me and not posting my comments . Erasing my posts before I can actually post them . Last Friday a rainstorm hit our area . Not a bad one , although I heard tell of some magnificent hail nearby . It did discourage camping , though . Before the rain I had a woman come to the entrance to the office and knock very lightly on the storm door . I saw her , didn 't hear her . I happened to be in the office with the air on . It was uncomfortably hot and humid . I went to the door and told her that I was open . She walked in wringing her hands and acted like she was having balance problems . She was very nervous and began to explain how she came to be in my kampground . It was a rather lengthy one - sided conversation . She was from Florida and she was very tired , having done some banking in St . Louis . Said she wanted to rest . Said she had to go back to the bank . . . . . . in St . Louis and since this place ( the kampground ) was so close ( not really . . . . . I mean , closer than Florida , but over an hour . . . . ) she thought she should rest here and maybe even sleep . She may have thought her request to be odd , but it wasn 't . People stop here all the time and stay overight , sleeping in their vehicles . They feel safer here than at a rest area and can have a shower . So she took the registration I gave her and began filling it out . This also took longer than usual as she kept stopping to tell me about her trip . She stopped at one point and stated that she was a law abiding citizen . This made my antennae rise . Said she had never been arrested , not even for a felony . She was the only kamper in the park , so when the storm came rolling in , I looked out at the tent area to check on her . She seemed a little frail to me , maybe in her 70 's and I was concerned about her being locked up in a vehicle with the windows up . I wasn 't looking for company , but , she was alone and I thought I should bring her inside . I could not find her . I confess that I did not mount an all out search , but the car was not where I had put her . I sort of forgot about her until the next day . I was packing copies of my book and getting ready for my book signing when she suddenly appeared in the store . After asking me if I remembered her . . . . as if I could forget her , she launched into another tale of adventure . Seems she decided to " ride around " before the storm hit . She was looking for a store and ended up at a truckstop nearly 20 miles away . While there , she discovered that they had showers ! She bought a shower for $ 10 ( mine was included with her stay ) and then she discovered they had a laundry for only $ 2 a load ( mine is $ 1 ) . And , there was the store for her to look at . A truckstop , people , a truckstop . Not a mall . On her way back the storm hit and she turned around and went back and stayed the night . . . . in her car , having already paid to stay here . I am leaving out many details , as it took her quite awhile to relate all this to me . I tried to give her money back , since she did not stay here , but she refused and asked if she could walk around and look at my gardens . Of course I said yes and once again tried to refund her , but she was insistant . Out she went and I saw her looking at the cosmos and bending to sniff . Had I not been getting ready for my book signing I would have gone out and offered seed and shown her some of my heirloom glads that do smell sweet . He , who would rescue a damsel in distress , saw her slip and almost fall . He asked if she was okay and offered his hand to help her gain her balance . . . . . . . . . She withdrew and barked " NO " at his offer of assistance and got into her vehicle and fled . Let me assure you that my husband is not a scary man and does not look like a scary man . But , we seem to attract strange folk . So , now that I have once again navigated my way to re - boot the modem , tripping over a dog who now thinks her name is STOP . IT . , with a cat clinging to my leg , I will again try to post this . Well , it is not the same as either of the other posts that are lost in space . But , hopefully the stars are alligned and the moon is smiling . I did find a penny in the pool area today . . . . . . heads up ! Hey , that 's me ! I wrote that book . . . . . . . well , Wall - E and I did . Yesterday was my very first book signing event . I sold 5 books in the two hours I was there . Here I am all ready to go . I left he , who hates to be confined , in charge of the kampground office . It was a very quiet weekend and I made the trip to the Columbia Mall without incident . I wasn 't sure what to expect . There was a sign on the front door of Barnes and Noble promoting the event . Not my book specifically , but that the month of September was deidcated to promoting local authors . My publisher met me there and we were set up with a table near the front and I greeted everyone I saw . A man approached and asked about my book and I explained that it was written in the voice of a dog and was letters to his boy . He told me about his dog , Brutus . Seems that Brutus was an abandoned dog that he found in 1985 . Already full grown , estimated to be about 4 years old , the dog lived until 2001 . While I was busy doing the math , he waxed eloquent about the wonders of Brutus and began relating anecdotes about his beloved Brutus . On and on he went , my eyes were glazing over and though I tried to steer the conversation back to the selling of my book , he was having none of that . After over 10 minutes of listening to him , my publisher slipped away ( abandoned me , I thought ! ) and called me on my cell phone . I was trying to disengage myself from this man who was obviously not interested in purchasing my book or even allowing me to get a word in edgewise . . . . . . . and trust me , people , this is hard to do ! He had moved on from Brutus to enlightening me to the values of shopping on - line and how he never buys books in book stores . So , why was he there ? I am not sure . He had engaged the author in the time slot right before me in a similar manner . Yolanda ( publisher ) was of the opinion that he was lonely and looking for someone to talk to . She wondered if he even knew how to read . I thought he may be homeless and simply hanging out in a place that was full of creature comforts . All I can say is that he needs a new dog ! Been over 10 years since Brutus passed and he is still mourning . . . . . . . . well , unless he made it up just to have something to talk about . I am wondering about a dog that lived to 20 . After I rid myself of the owner of Brutus , I put out some business cards for the kampground . Bookmarks , they will make great bookmarks . And , should happen my way and want to kamp . . . . . . not to mention that Wall - E will do a meet and greet if you desire . He is actually very good at it . He enters the store and meets people , lets them pet him and goes back in the living quarters when told to . I am just happy that I did not display my business cards until the man with the story of Brutus had left . If he showed up here , I could easily have a breakdown ! I met and chatted with some wonderful people . The last book I sold was to a grandmother of an 8 year old boy , same as my Gavin . She teared up when I told her that I did not set out to write a book , that the letters were just a way to communicate with my grandson who couldn 't keep a dog he loved . It was a great day . Make that two . They have been together every time I have seen them . Yesterday as I rounded the corner of the building , heading to my vegetable garden , they ran lickity - split from my yard . I don 't know which of us was more startled . No time to grab my camera , only to mourn the loss of my beans . I suppose they have to eat , too . They still have spots . Although they let me get pretty close , it was not close enough to determine gender . Where is Marshell when I need him ? He is the one who proclaimed that Mr . Martha , the cat was female . Maybe I don 't need him , after all . Here they are at the corner of Bullfrog Boulevard and Frog Hollow . You will not the deer crossing sign in the background . These are smart kampers , my deer . Obviously twins , I feel I should name them . But , are they boys or girls . . . . . . . . . . or , maybe one of each . I had one of each 37 years ago . Not deer , humans . Jeff and Jill . He , who was enthralled with his offspring , wanted to name them Jack and Jill . But I prevailed , not wanting them to hate us . He , who says he got close enough to " see " , says that they are girls . I suppose he is better at gender guessing than Marshell , since he found the equipment Mr . Martha had hidden so well . Suzy and Sally . I called out to them , but only Suzy looked my way . I told her to be very careful crossing the road and to look out for men in camo , with guns . Deer season will be here soon . Despite all the cancellations Isaac 's rain caused , I still had a happy holiday weekend . The rain was welcome after such a dry spell . I could actually watch the grass grow before my very eyes . And that is where I have been all week . Mowing . Weeding . Planting . The holiday weekend held a surprise for me . I was perched upon a stool at the checker table , nursing a cup of coffee and chatting with kamper , Patrick , when the door opened and a lovely lady appeared . She was no kamper , dressed in real clothes , not kamping klothes . Kamping klothes vary little . Shorts , long pants , sometimes pajama pants and tees . Usually smelling of wood smoke or chlorine from the pool . Kathy , of Kathy 's Klothesline , knows about such things . The pretty lady approaches me and asks if I am Kathy , of Kathy 's Klothesline and introduces herself . It was Sioux , of Sioux 's Page ! ! ! From the Land of Blog ! She does exist ! And , she brought homemade fudge . A true southern lady always gives gifts of food . Not that Missouri is the true south , as I know it , but . . . . . . . . . Okay , here , is where I should , no doubt , link to her blog . I confess that I don 't know how . I am sure it is quite simple , and as soon as I post this , you will all tell me just how simple it is . If I were resourceful , I would do a little research , trial and error and figure it out , but I have a mower calling my name and time is short . Okay , I am lazy . The visit was too short , but there was chocolate to eat when she went on her way . I even shared with Patrick . He who loves all things chocolate ate the bulk of it , but I had my more than fair share . Thanks , Sioux , you have added to my fluff . Despite my limited knowledge of technology , I managed to help a very frustrated man log on to the Internet . He had inquired about the wireless Internet when I checked him in . He then had his wife call the office for instructions . I gave my standard answer that there was no password or code , just find me and log on . The words just flow off my tongue and I sound like I might even know what I speak of . I have heard he who knows a little more than I do say it and it sounds good , so I use it . He who changes tires on the side of the interstate was not here and the phone rang again . This time it was the frustrated man . . . . . . . " how do I find the wireless connection ? " Crap ! I usually offer to send he who is not here ! This adds that personal touch and saves me from actually learning how to do this stuff . I sit down at my laptop and play with the icons until I find the one that reveals my connection and I walk the man through it . I manage to impress my own self with knowledge I did not know I possessed . I go on about my business , thinking I am done with that and now know a little more than I did before . About an hour later , the couple come in , laptop in hand . Totally perplexed and frustrated . He says that he was on - line and everything was fine until his wife " did something " and messed it up . She says that she only wanted to check her e - mail and that he won 't let her touch his new laptop . They are not happy with each other . And I am winging it , wondering if they would like to chat with my son on the phone . He has a back door into my computer and fixes things for me . He is always trying to explain what he does . Does he really think I am listening ? The most important thing I know about my computer is that he can fix it from afar . I wonder if this couple would like to give my son access to their computer . They have both revealed their passwords to me , in hopes that I can make the laptop come to life . When he who loves me presented me with my laptop , he had already loaded all the programs I would be using . This man 's computer was very new . Although he did not want his wife to touch it , he was willing to allow me to . . . . . . . . . . . thinking me to be knowledgeable of computers . I left them at the table and went to get my bifocals , like clear vision was going to lead me to do things I have no knowledge of . I grabbed my laptop , too . Although he was more than willing to let me touch his keyboard , I preferred my own . His was too clean , not a speck of dust adorned his screen . I somehow managed to help him load Yahoo and show him how to log out of his face book page , so that his wife could log on to hers . Now if he will let her touch the keys , she can navigate the web and check her e - mail . He was happy when he left the office and I was amazed at my ability ! I must have been listening to some of what my son said and the rest , I just stumbled upon in an effort to look like I knew what I was doing ! Only the die - hard campers are out in force . My church group cancelled , but they were going to be in tents , so I can 't really blame them . My big family of faithful campers is here , though . They keep adding to the crowd and I hear that a whole lotta cookin ' took place yesterday . I heard this from the men and they listed the menu items as fried fish , ribs , beef and some more pork and oh , yeah , some kind of beans . I am sure the women provided some vegetables in that mix . Friday evening the power went out . He who chases stranded motorists on the highway left here at about 11 am to " run to the bank " and didn 't return until around 8 : 30 . I prepared a sandwich by the light of the solar yard light I was carrying around . He ate , then left again and did not return until around 11 pm . Without electricity , I could not run credit cards , so I just parked the campers and told them to see me the next day . I sat outside and read a book old style for as long as I had light to see . While I was rocking gently and reading , one of my favorite little campers came up to check on me . It was still raining , but not hard enough to keep the kids off their bikes . Caleb is just the cutest little boy . Eight years old and one day this kid is going to break some hearts . " Are you okay ? " he asks . I told him I was fine . " Well , if you need anything , you just come down to our campsite . We will take care of you . " See what I mean ? Chivalry is not dead ! I love this kid ! So , this morning , when Caleb came in the store with his dad looking for he who owns the place ( I sometimes let him think that , you know , for his ego ) , looking somber and sad , I knew he had gotten himself into trouble . I summoned the owner ( snort ) and he came out having just awakened , hearing aids squeaking . Caleb was instructed to tell what had happened . He sat on the couch and cried his little heart out as he related the mornings adventure . Keep in mind that there is a herd of cousins and siblings in tow . Seems they decided to ride bikes down the back road . There is a clearing for dry storage of campers back there . Only one there right now is an old model belonging to a guy who is an avid hunter . It is not in great shape . . . . . . . . only men stay in it . . . . . to hunt and tell tall tales of the one that got away . I suppose the kids may have thought it to be abandoned . There may have been some dares involved and the window was broken . On purpose . By Caleb . To his credit he went and told his dad what he did and his dad brought him to the office to confess and tell us that he would pay for the window and he would do any chores we needed done until they go home tomorrow . He was so mortified he could hardly speak . I couldn 't stand it and had to hug him and comfort him . Wall - E , the wonder dog , author of his very own book , lover of boys everywhere , happened to be making a visit to some of his fans when Caleb came in . He sensed something wrong right away and went over to sit next to the somber Caleb and rest him head against Caleb 's in comfort . Wall - E is a sensitive guy . I must go find a chore for my little friend now . The sun is trying to poke his head through the clouds and the forecast says we will have a nice afternoon . There is still on area of the pool wall that needs a good scrubbing . The new horse shoe pits need more sand shoveled . Sounds like I may have a worker for those jobs and I am betting he will have help from his cousins . . . . . . . .

Well , we 've all made it to the end of the 4th month of this " new " year , and the time continues to just move on by . I really assumed that Jason 's wounds would have been just about all healed up by now , and am sorry to report that they are in fact , not making much progress at all , right now . In fact they have gone a little on the reverse direction . Still , they are much better than they were a year ago , and Jason is still in very strong spirits . I believe the biggest issue is the seating challenges he is dealing with , and I am hopeful that the different teams that are looking at the problem will be able to come up with some solution . Now on with the days activities . We got the girls up this morning and though it was a little on the unusual side , to have them here on a Thursday , it all felt very much like it was a Tuesday or Wednesday ( maybe even a Monday ) . They both got up , a little slowly and we were out the door with the time needed to get to school on time . The funny part is that no matter how " tired " they claim to be in the morning , when we are going to school , they both take off and kind of race each other , to see who can get to the entrance first . Typically Stacy wins , though I think Jackie is starting to pick up a little speed . All the while , Grandma and Grandpa are bringing up the rear , by a few steps . Linda and I had a few errands to take care of this morning , and then wanted to be sure to be here , at the house , by the afternoon . Robert , Joselyn 's husband , was coming over to take a look at the door of the Fusion . The handle broke yesterday , and I was unable to open it from inside , from the drivers seat - but more on that in a minute . Jason also had a couple of errands to take care of , all related to Kojak . Kojak is still with the vet , and it looks like he will be there until Monday , at the least . The little guy is really sick , and it is taking a little longer to get him over it than first thought . Jason wanted to go spend some time with him , and give as much support as he could . The good part is that Kojak responded to Jason very well , and when Jason came in he was noticeably happy that Jason was there . Jason also had to go out and purchase new bedding for the pup , as the doctor said the virus could still be in the old stuff , so that was another errand he had to take care of . Tomorrow , Linda is going to be cleaning the carpet and hopefully getting everything cleaned up for Kojak 's return . Now the car , on the other hand was another issue to be dealt with . Robert was able to come over and take a look at the car , and within just a few minutes , maybe 10 , he had the door apart , and the unit removed . He figured out what was wrong and got a replacement part , via a phone call . Robert had one other job to go take care of , and said he would be back shortly , and he was . This time I don 't think he took more than five minutes to put the new part in , and the door back together . I have to say that he is probably the most knowledgeable guy I know , when it comes to autos . I was talking with Joselyn a bit later and she told me that dealerships will sometimes call him , when they run into a particularly difficult problem , and he never fails to figure it out . I guess that is one of the reasons his own auto shop is so successful . We are so grateful that we have gotten to know them , as they have become truly good friends . Oh , and just to be sure it is understood , the door is working just like new . The rest of the day was much more relaxed and we really didn 't do much , other than a quick run to Target and Jason 's shower . Tomorrow we will be going to Pala Casino / Hotel , to see Gabriel Iglesias ( ' Fluffy ' ) on stage . This is actually for Jason 's birthday , which is at the end of the month , but the show is tomorrow . We were able to get tickets to the show through the Gary Sinise Foundation , and Jason is very happy about going . Fluffy is one of Jason 's favorite comedians , and has commented a couple of times that he would really like to see him , live . I saw that he was coming to the area ( Pala ) and spoke with the Gary Sinise Foundation about it . The Foundation always seems to want to do all they can to help Jason , and I am very pleased with the out come . One other thing , because we will be spending a night at the Pala Resort - Hotel , I won 't be posting tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day of life in the fast lane for the Ross family , down in San Diego . We got up to get the girls ready and out the door , for school . As usual , it was organized chaos , and the girls had great fun ( as did Grandma and Grandpa ) . We got to their respective classes and then came right back to the house , so we could get breakfast for Jason . It was also a good time for me to get out on my bike , again , and get in a nice little 19 + miles . It was a very nice ride out to the beach and then around Fiesta Island , then back to the house . While I was on my bike ride Linda took Jackie to her weekly Wednesday speech therapy . Linda and I had to get up to Oceanside , as we both had appointments today , and the funny thing is , they were both kind of close to each other , physically , so it worked out very well . Linda 's appointment was with one of the local businesses , and I had a dermatology appointment at the VA . Both of us are doing well and no problem to worry about right now . After the appointments were done we called Anthony and Angelica , to see if they were going to be home ( they live in Oceanside ) and to see if they were interested in heading up to Fallbrook . As it turned out , they did want to go with us to check out the progress of the house . The house is looking excellent , and ( drum roll please ) the exterior of the house has the first application of stucco , and the texturing work on the sheet rock has begun . All the walls are now completely defined , and my guess is that they will soon be painted ! After our quick visit we jumped back in to the Fusion ( our car ) and headed over to get some early dinner - or late lunch . Both Anthony and Angelica were very impressed with the house and how fast they are moving on getting it built . I guess the next biggest question to going to be . . . " What does the paint look like in the house ? And , when will it be fully painted ? We left the property and headed over to Tekila and I had one of those great bowls of soup , and Linda had her favorite - - fish tacos . We actually had to get going , as the girls were coming back to Jason 's place , to spend the night . We will again take them to school , and then they will head back to their mom ' place . I did get some pictures taken today , though I think they won 't be down loaded until tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of the things that we were dealing with over these past several weeks was making sure we had the right amount of medical supplies for Jason . I have written about it a few times , and as an update to that small drama - we now have plenty of supplies , and in fact , some items that we don 't need , and fortunately , those are only a few . I am hopeful that going forward they have been able to iron out the kinks and we won 't run into those supply gaps as we had in the past . Today was a bit like yesterday , quiet and comfortable for the most part . It is Taco Tuesday , so we had that to look forward to , for most of the day , and the girls really like their Taco Tuesday . The one thing that has happened that is a little more on the concern side , is that Kojak is not feeling well , and we had to take him to the doctor . Actually , Jason had made the appointment already , for a well puppy check up , only this time the puppy wasn 't well . He is now on some antibiotics and we are expecting him to be feeling much better in a matter of a few days . One thing that did happen was that the Gary Sinise Foundation was at a fundraiser function in the Midwest somewhere ( sorry I don 't remember exactly where it took place ) and a presentation was made to a good sized audience and it went well . I found out that one of the topics highlighted by that presentation was us . More and more people are learning about Jason and his family , including Linda and I , kind of makes me feel humbled , though I hope it was helpful in raising awareness of those that are still in need of support . Tomorrow I am looking to get a nice bike ride in the morning - after the girls are dropped off . Then a little later in the day , Linda and I are headed back up to Fallbrook . We like to get up there to check on the progress of the house and see just what is going on that is new . This is so very exciting to us , as well as the rest of the family . The girls constantly talk about when they get their rooms , so we just like to stay on top of all that is going on with the build . I will do my best to get more pictures posted , and to continue to share our excitement . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been one very relaxed and quiet Sunday . About the only thing we did , or maybe I should say , " didn 't " do was go to church . I got up at about 06 : 30 and got out on my bike . I wanted to get in a few miles and managed to do 16 + miles . I returned to the house and fixed some breakfast for Jason and I , and then went up to see what Linda was doing . It was almost 09 : 00 and I figured she needed to get up , so that there would be plenty of time to go to church . What I didn 't plan on was that she wasn 't feeling well . I checked her out and she didn 't have a temperature we needed to worry about , just that she didn 't feel right , and she wanted to just stay down , and she did . By the time everything was settled it was well past going to church , so I just didn 't go . Other than a quick trip to Target , where I picked up a few things , and Jason taking the dogs for a walk , we all just stayed home . Kojak , Jason 's new pup is still a little on the nervous side , though he seems to be slowly warming up to us . He 's gotten a bit more familiar with the leash and doesn 't fight it as much , so I figure it will take a couple more weeks , and then he 'll be feeling more like one of the family . I have posted a picture ( below ) , so that all of you can see what he looks like , and as a reminder , he is almost 15 weeks old now . What has really been a blessing . . . he hasn 't had an accident in the house , yet , and really enjoys going out side with Jason . Linda went to bed early this evening , and I think I might turn in a little early as well . Tomorrow I will be going down to the DMV with Jason to get his disability plates for the van . With all the streamlining that has been done in the government offices , it now takes forever to get things done . We 'll ( Jason is planning on going with me ) get there early and see how long it takes . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning with the full intention of going out for a bike ride , and maybe getting in 25 miles or so . Didn 't happen though , I got busy doing some things around the house and before I knew it , it was nearly 10 : 00 , and that didn 't give me enough time to do anything but a very short ride , and then I decided to just head over to Trader Joe 's , to pick up a few things . Jason and I were expecting some guests at about 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and I realized that I had no munchies or drinks - other than water and milk . Linda was still out with Karen , and though Karen was leaving today I didn 't know what time she was going to be getting back home . After getting back from Trader Joe 's we were ready and there was still plenty of time , so I kicked back and started watching some T . V . , Modern Marvels was on , and they were showing the top 100 things that impacted the development of humans on Earth . Some of them were very interesting , like the Rosetta Stone , and Tesla 's earthquake machine . I think though , that they were correct in selecting the number one item , and that was the Bible ( Gutenberg 's Press was also in the list , mostly because of the printing of the Bible ) . It was a fun and interesting program and I learned a bit more , so I was very happy with it , and at about the time they were coming to the number one item , it was now 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) , and I noticed that Linda had just parked the car . I went to open the door and see if she needed any help and she said , " Hello , and look who I found . " It was the folks from Cal Poly . Professor Lily Laiho and three students , James , Matthew and Jim ( I think I got their names right ) , all from the Quality of Life program , where they work to improve the life of one or more people with their engineering creations . In Jason 's case , it is to come up with a better seating solution than what he currently has . I was very pleased to see Linda , as she frequently sees aspects of things different and more clearly than I do , and always helpful in these discussions . The best part of this discussion , though , is that Jason did more of the talking than ever , and I was pleased to see him do this . The team asked a number of questions and took a number of measurements and a bunch of pictures . They stayed for about 90 minutes and then headed on back . They said that they will be coming back down from time to time , as well as communicating via phone , email and Skype . However , if there was a desire for us to get up to Cal Poly , they would be happy to show us around and we just might take them up on that offer . The rest of the evening was relaxed and Jason worked a little with Kojak , his new dog , and we all had dinner by the dinning room table . We had a great family type discussion and I really felt almost like it was back like it would have been , had it not been for that I . E . D . Kojak is still a little nervous around us and likes to hide a bit , but then it has only been 1 - day . I 'm sure over the next couple of weeks he will be getting more warmed up to us . Gracie is doing her best to make him feel welcome , so with all of us working together it will be just a matter of time . One last thing - a number of you have contacted me and said that you were unable to make comments . I believe you should be able to now , if you are still experiencing difficulties , please contact me and I will do my best to figure out why . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very interesting day , and a change to the Ross household . We have a " new " member , and I 'll get to that in a little bit . First , it began with me getting up and going down and checking on Jason , to see what he was interested in , for breakfast . It was going to be a busy day , so a relatively quick and easy breakfast would be best , and we both had a bowl of Cheerios . We had to get ready for the flight up north . Neither of us really knew where the plane was taking off from , though we did have the address . Because we hadn 't been there in the past we wanted to leave a little on the early side , and we did . As it turned out , we found it despite the directions the GPS was giving - it wanted us to go in the opposite direction of where it was , and I attribute that to signal interference , since we were right next to an airport . Anyway , we got to the building for Crownair , where we were to meet up with the pilot and crew for our trip . . . we just happened to get there 1 / 2 an hour early . And that was okay , as the weather wasn 't raining , at least not yet . We met the pilot and crew and they were all great guys ( Craig , Doug , and John ) , and the ground crew was very helpful as well . There was even another gentleman there , regrettably I don 't recall his name , just that he is a former Navy Seal and he wanted to meet Jason ( he gave Jason a challenge coin and a shirt ) , though he wasn 't going on the trip . They told us the plane was ready and we all got on and we were off . Getting on , was a little different , as they had this lift system that allowed Jason to actually roll up on to a platform and then they lifted him up to the plane and he rolled on to the plane . Probably the easiest and best method we 've encountered yet . The ride was pretty exciting , as there was a little turbulence at both the take off and landing , and as one might expect , Jason does not like being bounced around . We were just very pleased that it was only for a couple of moments , and everything else went very smoothly . We flew into Yolo County Airport , and the folks there were very helpful as well . From what we could see and from what the pilots were saying , it is a very nice airport , and they intend to fly into it again . It is pretty much out in the middle of no where , yet very modern looking and well taken care of . The one down side is that we took longer to get off the ground than originally planned , and then we also hit some very strong head wind and that added an additional 30 minutes to our travel . From there we jumped in to the van that we rented from Ability Center of Sacramento . They had delivered the van and left it there for our use , even though we were over an hour late . When we came back I just left it at the airport for them to pick up , probably tomorrow . Pretty amazing folks , and trusting , and I like that . We drove to the address that we were given , to pick up the puppy , and this is where things kind of went a little wrong . There was no answer at the door , and we weren 't sure what to do next , other than try to reach the person we were told would be there . Jason sent a text message , made a phone call and sent an email - no response to any of it . We were now standing across the street , because that 's where the shade tree was , and I said I was going to go back across the street to knock on the door again . This time , when no one answered , and I started to walk back over to Jason , an Animal Control officer drove up and asked me if I lived in the house . I explained to her why I was there and that we were attempting to pick up a dog for Jason . She got involved because they , the county Sheriff and Animal Control were trying to get in touch with her . Actually , a Sheriff Deputy showed up a short while later and he was finally able to get someone to answer the door . Jason and I had been there for nearly two hours by now , and we were thinking we needed to get going , because Stacy was part of a concert at the school , and we wanted to be there . Well , it took about another 30 minutes and we finally got the puppy . He , Kojak is his name , is a very cute little guy with huge feet , and he is the newest member of the family that I was talking about at the beginning . We headed back to the airport and flew back down to San Diego , and soon found out that Stacy was sick and won 't be going to the performance . Actually , I am kind of glad that Jason was able to just lay back down ( after a shower ) and get some rest , he already had enough for one day . I made a simple soup and sandwich dinner and we called it a day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by We did get up this morning and I took off for a quick bike ride , I got a total of 14 miles in and managed to get it done in an hour , even with all the traffic stops , so I was pretty happy about that . I was also quite exhausted and out of breath . I just don 't have that same level of stamina as I used to , when I was in my 20 's ( or 30 's , or 40 's . . . ) . I got home with enough time to cool down a little ; take a quick shower ; get dressed , and then go pick up Karen at the airport . Actually , the timing was pretty close to perfect , as she had just gotten out to the curb as we drove up . We drove up to the construction site of Jason 's new house and the progress is coming along very nicely . The sheet rocking is just about completed , and they will be moving on to the next thing , which I think is texturing the walls and maybe working on the roof . The real good thing is that with the end of the work on the walls , Jason can safely come and visit again . After the house visit we decided to head over to Teckillas , a local restaurant and had lunch . Jason was out taking care of some personal issues and making a few purchases . Tomorrow we ( Jason and I ) will be heading north to pick up a new service dog for him . Gracie is still doing well , but an opportunity presented it self to Jason and he wanted to take advantage of it . By the time the new dog ( to be named Kojak ) is ready to begin working , Gracie will be getting closer to her own retirement , so it is a good transition . At least that 's the theory . We will be flying up to Yolo County , up by Sacramento , and flying back home in a matter of just a few hours . It will be a new experience for us , and I am hopeful that all will go well . Not much else to go over right now , just that Jason is doing well and we have the medical supplies all in place now ( everything came today ) . Now the big thing is to see if they can remain consistent so that we don 't have to cause any more problems . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . It has been another good day for Jason , and the Ross family , here in San Diego . We did have to take the girls to school this morning , and now won 't see them again for five days , then the cycle all begins again . Over the past few weeks we have been running into some difficulties getting wound care supplies and making sure that we have all that is needed to help Jason . I think , as a result of working with Dr . Sheu and Sarah with the V . A . most , if not all the issues have been addressed and by the end of this week we will have the supplies rolling like they 're supposed to . That makes me feel much more comfortable , and I think it makes Jason feel better as well . Tomorrow Karen Ryan , a family friend , will be coming down to spend some time with us , and she and Linda plan to take off for a couple of days for some " girls time " together . We will be getting up a little on the early side and I 'll take off for a quick bike ride . At about 10 : 30 Linda and I will head over to the airport to pick up Karen and then we 'll come back to the house , so she can say , " Hi ! " to Jason . From there I 'm not really sure how it is going to roll out , as it depends on how Jason is feeling . I am still looking for it to be a very nice day , even if it rains ( it rained yesterday and early this morning ) . Actually , if it rains I 'll be kind of happy . Linda and I watched a movie , Enemy at the Gates , as we hadn 't seen it in quite a while . One of the benefits of having a bunch of movies is that sometimes you can go back to your " collection " and find something that you haven 't seen in a while , and it is a really good movie . I even made some popcorn and we kind of felt like we had our own little theater . Then we decided to go to bed , as we were getting tired . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This has been a nice day to transition back in to our regular routine of living down here in San Diego . We got up this morning and went down stairs to get the girls up and ready for school . The big surprise was that both Stacy and Jackie got up and were moving with little encouragement from Linda . We both expected that they were going to want to stay in bed and rest , since the last few days have been pretty busy . I went to the kitchen , while Linda was with the girls , and I got their breakfasts ready as well as their lunches . At about 15 minutes before the school bell we were out the door and on our way . The girls were both feeling great and literally ran to school . Linda and I had to walk much faster than we usually do , and needless to say , we got their a little early . Fortunately there were no teacher meetings this morning ( or at least none we know of ) and getting there a little on the early side worked out just fine . Linda had a few errands she wanted to take care of and I wanted to get a bike ride in . Jason had told us that he had no appointments , so everything was going rather smoothly . As it turned out , Jason did have a couple of things he wanted to get done , so he took off for the bank while I was out on my bike . I got home , after a 19 mile ride , and as I approached the house Linda was taking off to head to the store and told me that Jason wanted to go to Balboa . I wanted to go to Balboa too , so Jason was now waiting on me . I wanted to get there to pick up some supplies ( for whatever reason there has been a bit of a problem with getting Jason 's medical supplies shipped to us , and we were very low on one particular item . ) . Jason wanted to pick up a prescription ( actually several ) while I went to pick up the item from Wound Care . While there we stopped in at PT and said , " hello " to a few of the folks , and then ended up over at Dr . Sheu 's area and visited with him for a few minutes . During that conversation he assured us that after he found out there was a problem with the supplier and the insurance company ; he got on the phone and spoke with somebody and now he feels that the issues have been taken care of . Dr . Sheu definitely has a way with dealing with the insurance people . We are supposed to get back with him , if we don 't get the supplies in a matter of a couple of days . Once that was done we just headed on back to the house . Today is Taco Tuesday , and the girls were happy about that . They really do seem to like their tacos . I like them too , though I wouldn 't mind something different on Tuesday every now and then . After dinner it was bath time and while Linda was up with the girls getting their bath , I was down with Jason getting things ready for his shower . His wounds are improving again , and I was happy to see that , now we just need to continue in that direction . Finally it was time for bed and it is in effect , the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to write about for today , other than we had a great time in Livermore ( and San Jose and San Francisco ) . Our host , Debbie Vargas , was wonderful , and we do owe a big thank you , to her , for allowing us to stay with her , it really makes our trips much easier . The day began with a breakfast at IHop , with Marilyn Carter , and we finally got to visit with her for just over an hour - Her schedule is almost as crazy as ours ( maybe more ) . We drove back down to San Diego with a quick stop at Linda 's folk 's place . It is always great to see Joe and Jess , and this time we had the girls with us , so there was a special treat for everyone . Jess made a great dinner and I ate too much , again , then we finished the drive on home . Jason was resting in bed and the girls ran in to say , " Hi ! and then good night ! " to Daddy . Linda and I talked with Jason for a few minutes to make sure everything was okay , and that was pretty much the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We came down , primarily to help celebrate a couple of birthdays , and we did . Yesterday was fun and we got to see and visit with a bunch of folks we hadn 't seen in a while . Today , we started off by going to our old church and we were well received , by everyone . We were here a couple of weeks ago , and the minister was gone , as well as a number of the parishioners we know . Today , everyone was there and we felt special . . We could barely take three steps without having to stop and talk with someone . It felt very warm and loving , to have all these people welcome us back , even knowing that we were only there for a visit . Unfortunately , I believe it is our last visit for a few months , and maybe even longer . We stayed with a friend , Debbie , and she has been a wonderful hostess . Debbie has felt the loss of her nephew who served with the Marines in Afghanistan . She can relate to some of the emotional stress associated with a combat loss . She allows us free reign and we come and go as we need . We have had a little more time , this time , to spend with her , but it still isn 't enough , and we need to appropriately thank her for all that she has done . Linda and I will be working on this over the next couple of days . Today we also got up to San Francisco , to visit with our youngest son , Sean . Before going we stopped to pick up George , our oldest son , and we took BART ( Bay Area Rapid Transit ) in to the City . The girls had not ridden on BART in the past , so they were quite excited to go . Sean is looking much better than the last time we saw him , and I felt much better because of that . Last time we were here he was getting over food poisoning or the flu or something , but he didn 't look too good . He is already on the slender side , and he had lost some weight - today he looked like he put all that weight back on , and his color was much better . We ended the day by heading over to Mike and Karen 's place to have dinner , and it was excellent . All the food was excellent and Ross , Karen 's son , grilled the chicken to perfection . Karen 's folks were there as well and it is always great to see them , so the evening went very well . Stacy was exhausted from the day and fell asleep before we ate , and Jackie was acting like it was just another day - she has some impressive stamina . We are now back and Debbie 's and getting ready for bed . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a great day today , and got to visit with a bunch of different friends we haven 't seen in quite a long time . First it was a 90th birthday for Isabel , a wonderful woman who helped me through some times as a teenager , and NEVER said an angry word to me or anyone that I saw . She is the mother of a very good friend of mine and he and I have stayed in touch over the many years . Even though I kind of disappeared for a while , she still calls me her second son , Larry , my friend is an only child . Anyway , it was great to see her and to get to spend some time with Larry and the rest of the family , including cousins and other extended family . Linda and I had to keep helping each other remember people 's names and partners . Stacy and Jackie stayed with us , during this event and behaved themselves just as we would have expected . We even received complements on how well they were behaving . The second birthday was the 70th birthday for Russ Greenlaw , and he was as cheerful as he ever was and it was so good to see my old Boy Scout partner again . He and I spent about 24 years together as adult leaders for the Boy Scouts , in the Livermore area , and we had some really good times together , and with the boys . We even took them to Japan a couple of times and hiked Mt . Fuji ( I believe Russ has actually been there 3 times ) . Again , Linda and I didn 't know everybody in attendance , and that didn 't matter , it was good to get together with the people we did know and renew some friendships . While we were at this gathering the girls stayed at a friend 's house from church and their daughter , Sarah , who used to work for Linda when she had her day care business watched the girls . We called Jason tonight , and woke him up . That wasn 't the plan , just that 's what happened . We wanted to give the girls a chance to say good night to Daddy , and I think he was happy to be disturbed this time . He said all was going well and we would be able to connect up with him tomorrow . . . so we will . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice day , and we managed to get a few things done , including a trip up to the new house . We did take some photos , though I won 't be posting any of them today . The progress on the house is moving along very nicely , and I remain hopeful that we will be in it sometime around August , and be able to get things set up there , before the new school year . Jason , is working on this , and I am very proud at how he is handling it , with very little intervention for either myself or Linda . I did get a chance to get out on the bike this morning , and it was kind of a strange ride . I felt like I was working very hard , and I did mange to get in 17 miles , but it felt more like 30 when I was done . I was breathing harder than I typically do and my lungs were definitely feeling it . After a little while I was feeling much better and I just went on doing the same old things I normally do , like coordinate a flight to Yolo County ( for those that don 't know , Yolo County is in California , and is close to Sacramento ) . We are gong to be going up there to pick up Jason 's new service dog , and we 'll be flying up on the 24th and flying back on the 24th . The dog is ready for him to pick up and I think he is feeling pretty anxious to go get it . Linda and I will also be heading up to Livermore , tomorrow , and staying until Monday . There are a couple of birthdays we have been invited to , and we really want to go to . One if for a very dear friend of ours who is turning 90 . We haven 't seen her in a couple of years , I think , so this is a very good reason to be heading up there . The other is for another close friend who I spent many years with , in the Boy Scouts , as an adult leader . We had a lot of fun together - He 'll be turning 70 years old . We 'll be leaving early in the morning and the girls will be taking school work along with us . Linda has been doing all the heavy lifting today , as my energy level has been relatively low . I 'm feeling better now , and that 's a good thing , as I don 't want to have to sleep during the driving . Besides , Linda hates it when I sleep and drive . . . Only kidding , I don 't sleep and drive ! Not sure about posts over these next few days , though I will attempt to get some in . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , in that we got the girls off to school on time and then Jason and I headed off to the hospital for his appointment . Linda had her own appointment to get to , so she was not able to go with us . We met with the doctors for internal medicine and general surgery and they examined Jason , three different times . First it was the Lieutenant and she came in and did the basic exam and I guess she wanted to have a more senior guy come in , so the Lieutenant Commander ( also a doctor ) came in and took a look at Jason , while asking questions . He felt compelled to bring in his boss and the Navy Captain came in and he was definitely the guy in charge . He also asked some of the same questions , again , and had a good look at Jason and the issue , and this time there was no mention of any kind of alternate option . He just said this needs to be corrected and surgery is the only way to do that . We now have a date for surgery , May 19 , 2015 and Jason will be staying in the hospital for a few days ( we really don 't know how many right now , but probably 3 or 4 ) . I know Jason will be glad to get this out of the way , as it is an inconvenience and he 'd like to get on with his life again . Otherwise he is doing well and his overall attitude is as positive as ever . I think a big factor behind that is the amount of time he gets to spend with his daughters and also the fact that the house is moving along very well . We are all looking forward to moving in , while also recognizing that there are a bunch of things we need to get done before then . The rest of the day was relaxed and not much else went on . I took care of some business and Linda took care of us . I think I had the easier job . . ; - ) . There was a nice visit from Tom Lightener and Fred Thomson , two of the most dedicated guys we 've met . They have been running a wood turning program for a few years now and the benefit to the Wounded Warriors is wonderful They have helped Jason a number of times and continue to stop by just to say hello , every now and again . Tom even thought to drop off a couple of wood tops , for the girls , and they 'll love them . We are getting ready for another trip up to Livermore , as there are a couple of birthday parties we have been invited to , so we will be leaving Friday morning , and more on that tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today turned out to be a very nice day for us . Not because we had the girls with us or because I was able to get a 28 mile ride in . Not because the weather was great or that Linda and I visited our stored things . All those things are really nice and all , but today , this evening after the girls had gone to bed , Linda and I were able to just have a wonderful conversation with Jason , in the kitchen . We must have talked for a couple of hours and we went over all kinds of topics , from the girls to his recovery to the people he has been able to help in their healing process . Most of our conversations don 't last much more than 30 minutes , and those are good conversations , it is just that to have that much time in an engaged conversation was a special treat . The rest of the day was just a normal day and not really that much to write about . We got the girls up and took them to school . Linda had a couple of errands to run , as did Jason , and I went out on a nice ride out to Cabrillo National Monument . One of the things I found out as a result of that ride is that Jason is eligible for a life - time pass to all national parks , and the ranger at Cabrillo is the first person to say anything about it to me . Jason will be following up on that one , it could be quite handy . There isn 't much else to go on about , so this is going to be a relatively short post . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , I guess Friday the 13th came on a Monday , this month . Only it hasn 't been a bad day at all for the Ross clan in San Diego . It has actually been a rather nicer , almost relaxing kind of day with Linda getting a chance to catch up a little with our niece Katie and Jason and I having a nice visit at Balboa . We got up this morning and kind of piddled around slowly getting ready , and not really knowing what we were going to see today . Linda had a more focused view , and in a relatively short period she was ready to go and Jason and I were still finishing our breakfast cereals ( we had Cheerios today ) . Linda initially had some trouble with the GPS ( it insisted that she was up in Laguna ) so I just printed the direction out from Google Maps , and she was on her way . Funny thing is , when she was returning she found that the GPS was now working correctly . . . go figure . Jason and I had to get down town to get some documents notarized and that was actually more fun than I anticipated . There wasn 't much traffic and it kind of gave us a chance to look around a little . Because of my bike riding and taking some time to learn the city a little better I was able to show Jason how to get from where we were to the base . It didn 't take long and with lite traffic the drive wasn 't too bad . We did get to see Jennifer Town and we had a nice visit with her . Parking is a real challenge still , and some of the changes they 've made are tough on the C5 guys , and we told Jennifer about this , and she said she would look into it . One thing we 've learned about Jennifer , when she says she is going to do something , it happens . One of the main reasons for going in was to look at setting an appointment to figure out when surgery could be done , and we have an appointment now , to do just that . We will be going back on Wednesday to speak with the right folks ( Dr . Sheu is in Denver , so we 'll be speaking with the other doctors to get this set up ) , and when we get back home , in the afternoon - on Wednesday , we should have a surgery scheduled . The rest of the time there was at PT , and there turned out to be another Marine there and he and Jason hit it off pretty well . Apparently , Tennet ( I believe that 's how you spell his name ) wants to start working with Jason on learning how to play the banjo . I think that 's pretty cool , and I 'm glad to hear that the instruments Jason has may finally get used . We got back home and shortly thereafter , Linda came home ( it was about 1 minute between the time of our arrival and her arrival ) . We went and picked up the girls and the rest of the day was pretty much routine . I think we may have to go to Costco tomorrow , though it is Taco Tuesday , if not we 'll go for sure on Wednesday . I may even try to get a bike ride in tomorrow , though that isn 't solid at this time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started off with a bowl of oatmeal and raisins - you know , one of those comfortable days that just can 't get in a hurry . We went to church and it was the youth service , and they did an excellent job of it . as well as the social gathering afterward . I was glad we went , though it would have been fun to have had the girls with us , they always enjoy Sunday School . Other than taking care of a few things around the house , and finishing up some tax preparations ( yeah , we still haven 't filed for 2014 ) it has just been a basic easy day . This evening we were invited to a meal with Bruce and Rosemary R . of the Carrington Corporation , a memorial for Bruce 's father who passed away recently . Hal was just shy of 90 years , and died of cancer , he will be missed . Linda and I were very pleased at being invited , as we got to see some friends we usually don 't see very often , and the meal it self was wonderful . Tomorrow we will be going in to Balboa , to see Dr . Sheu , and discussing what and when the next steps will be taken for Jason . Jason didn 't come to the dinner because of the challenges he is dealing with right now , and why he is in need of another surgery . Other than that , and picking up the girls , I would have to say the only other thing we need to do is go food shopping . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A very nice day , for us , though there were enough challenges to keep us on our toes . We got up at about 07 : 30 and each of us had a goal we wanted to get done . Jason wanted to get Gracie over to a training session ; Linda wanted to go to a Blue Star Mothers meeting ; and , I wanted to go for a longer bike ride . I was the first one out , and that was almost 09 : 00 when I left . I had no idea where I was going to go , but I knew I wanted to get some miles in , and attempt to ride where there was less traffic to deal with . I got up to the Pacific Coast Highway and turned to head toward Mission Bay . I knew there was a good 14 miles where the traffic was relatively lite . However , as I was making my way in that direction a car passed me . It was an older , restored car , in very good shape . Then there was another one and then another , and this caused me to take a look behind me . There was now a line of these different cars all heading somewhat in the same direction as I was . That would have been cool , except that about 50 meters up they were all turning right , into a driveway ahead of me . On top of this , there were motorcycle cops directing them and stopping traffic - which meant I had to stop . I waited for about 30 of them to enter , then they had to stop so I called over to the office and asked if I could go , and he said , " Yeah , sure . Come on through . " It was great seeing all these great cars , but I would have rather just kept riding on . Anyway , the ride continued on for about 27 1 / 2 miles and then I got home . Linda left just a little while after I did , for her meeting up near Fallbrook . She was very happy about getting a chance to get together with these women , and to discuss all the stuff they were doing . She misses all the things she had gotten involved with in the SF Bay Area , so this has been a relief of sorts , and also a chance to socialize . She did say that she still misses the folks from the Bay Area , and will probably stay in touch with them , just because of what they mean to her . She came back home about an hour ( maybe a little more ) after I had gotten home , and immediately got involved with taking care of some other things around the house . As for Jason . . . he never got out to the training . He has run into a bit of a problem that is going to have to be dealt with at Balboa . We had a little discussion when I came home and we 'll be getting with Dr . Sheu early next week . Bottom line is that there is probably surgery on the horizon for Jason , and it is not something we are looking forward to . It is something we have discussed in the past , and knew would eventually come up , I guess we were just hoping that it would be a little longer before we would have to revisit . As Dr . Sheu once said , it is a relatively simple surgery , but then when working with Jason , nothing is as simple as with other people . Jason spent most of the rest of the day in bed , and he still remained in good spirits , despite the set back . I grilled some stakes and we had a nice dinner . Linda and I relaxed by watching Sea Biscuit . We hadn 't seen that movie in a long time and found it to be very entertaining and relaxing . Tomorrow we will be going to church and then maybe doing some work with the storage areas . We need to start packing stuff up and getting ready for the move - even if it is five months away . We also need to identify what we are taking and what is being sold or donated . The idea of the new house is pretty exciting , and also daunting . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a memorial / funeral of a fallen Wounded Warrior we had gotten to know over the past few years . Artem Lazukin was laid to rest and will be sleeping in his blues until the end of time , and then today we learned of another death , of a father of another friend of ours . Hal Rose had been fighting liver cancer for the past 20 years , or so , and he finally succumb to it . He was almost 90 years old . Artem was 27 years . Hal also served his country and will have an honor guard at his funeral , on Sunday . We did manage to have some enjoyable things to do , like today we went with the builder , of Jason 's new house , to look at tile and counter tops . We picked out some very nice colors and designs , where I put in my opinion , and then let Jason and Linda do all the serious picking . A real nice aspect of it was that it was relatively close to our current residence , so we didn 't have to do too much driving . The rest of the days have been relaxed and some time for contemplation of life in general . I think we have been blessed by God , to have been able to enjoy the life we have and to have each other to support and help as time goes on . Tomorrow Jason is going to be taking Gracie up to her training , and I just might get a nice bike ride it . This should give Linda some free time to take care of more of the work she has been trying to get out of the way . Soon we 're going to have to start packing and identifying just exactly what we want to keep and what is going to be going with us when we move to Fallbrook . I 'm both looking forward to the effort and cringing at the thought of going through all our stuff , and trying to do it in an organized manner . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We took the girls over to their mother 's home and dropped them off . They both gave us big hugs and then we were on our way back to our house . Jason had an appointment this morning , though it wasn 't for a couple of hours , and I had some things to do , like communications with the builder of Jason 's new house , as well as with some other folks . Jason and I are planning a trip up to Northern California to pick up his new puppy . This puppy is going to begin training to become the next service dog , and Jason wants to be there to pick up the dog . There is a big challenge though , and that is that Jason has a difficult time with traveling long distance . I think we have that issue behind us now , and once we have confirmation that it is resolved I will put more about it , here in the blog . We got to the hospital at Balboa , where Jason needed to go into Wound Care , and the good news is that the wounds are looking better again , and I am feeling much better as a result ( I think Jason is feeling better , too ) . I also managed to get a hair cut , while we were there , and a beard trim - both were getting a little wild and I was tired of it . Linda was happier with the results also , and that 's really the most important thing . Now , it also has to be understood that only I got a hair cut , and not Jason . He is still working on growing his hair longer , and I do believe he wants to get the hair long enough to put it into a ponytail . We did have some good news , and that is that Gary Sinise is back on television , working with the Criminal Minds folks . The episode that was on tonight , at 21 : 00 ( 9 pm ) had both Gary Sinise and Joe Montegna , two actors we are happy to identify as friends , and we know that they are good friends of each other . The show was excellent and I look forward to seeing more with the two of them . Tomorrow we will be going up to Camp Pendelton to attend a funeral for a friend of Jason , Artim Lazukin , a fellow Marine , who took his own life . He is one of those statistics that I hope our government is going to do something about . Every day 22 wounded service members kill themselves . Not all these wounds are visible , and are frequently related to PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder ) . In this case , though , he was a double amputee , as well as TBI ( traumatic brain injury ) . We , as a country and society , ask these people to go fight for us , but then don 't do enough to help them when they come home afterward . We need to do more , much more . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive It is Tuesday , and the last full day of Spring Break , for the girls to be with us . We decided to go to the zoo , and spend a few hours there , and just have a nice time - which we did . I got up pretty early , so that I could get a short ride in , and managed a 14 mile ride in just over an hour . I had hoped to go farther but traffic lights were not cooperating with me , and then there was the train . Anyway , I knew I only had about an hour and decided to cut it short and still made it back in a reasonable time . The zoo was packed when we arrived , and since we 're members it is much easier to just walk to the entry turn styles , and the girls wanted to get up on the tour bus . Getting on to the bus didn 't take too long , and the ride seemed a bit slower than the previous rides we 've been on . I guess with the slower ride it gave the driver / guide more time to provide more information , and we learned a few more things about the zoo , we hadn 't known before . Linda was in charge of the camera , for the most part . I took 2 or 3 pictures and she took 20 or 30 ( maybe more ) . We had lunch at the zoo and even went on the sky ride ( a round trip ) across the zoo . The girls were very excited and had a great time , and by about 13 : 00 ( 1 pm ) they were worn out . The day was over for them and we decided to head on back home . We thought about possibly coming back to the zoo , a little later tonight , but that didn 't happen . Over all , it was a wonderful visit , and the parking lot , that was getting full when we arrived , was completely full when we left . Tonight was also Taco Tuesday , and the girls reminded us of that several times . It was great watching them in the front room , playing . Stacy and Jackie decided it was time to have an egg carrying race , and they came up with the rules all on their own . We simply got a chance to watch . Stacy won most of the races , but not all of them , and I think that it might have surprised her a little that her little sister is beginning to catch up to her in some areas of ability . Linda did an awesome job on the tacos , again , and we all enjoyed the evening . Jason spent most of the day resting , though he did take off to take care of some " banking " issues . He actually left before we did , and returned just a short while before we did . He seemed pretty well tuckered out when we got home , so I was quite happy to let him rest . Tomorrow the girls leave for their five - day stay with their mother , and the house is going to seem very empty again . We have busy lives and the time will go by quickly , then they 'll be back again . Below are some pictures from our most recent visit to Jason 's new house and our trip to the zoo . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A very nice day for us today , as we all got up a little on the early side and decided to head up to take a look at the new house . First though , we needed to get some breakfast , and Joe and Jess ( Linda 's folks ) wanted to take us all to breakfast at the local waffle house . It provided a chance to just sit and relax , and have some good conversation before the drive up - we were taking two vehicles - and after the stop at Jason 's new house , they were heading on home , back to Lake Forest . The progress on the house looks great and they are now working on the roof as well as the electrical . I am still very hopeful that the house will be ready before the end of August , and we can get all moved in before the start of the new school year . Jason has already begun the process of looking for a school in the Fallbrook area , and the school where the girls are currently going already know they will not be coming back next year . Therefore , timing is very important on the progress of the house . Linda fixed some lunch and the girls laid down for a nap and we took care of a few things around the house . Joselyn came in and was working with Jason when Linda and I decided to go lay down for a little while - a much needed nap . I got up first and went down stairs , and Linda came down a little later . I made sure the girls were up , as I want them to enjoy the rest of the day , and besides they were already stirring when I checked on them . I fixed a bunch of left overs and we had some great family time through the evening . It got to be bed - time and the girls decided they wanted to do something a little different . It was totally their decision and Stacy came over and jumped up on my lap and said she was going to read a book to me . I was very happy , and proud for this to happen , and I think Stacy was very proud that she is getting so much better at reading now . Jackie then decided that she wanted to also read a story to me , and when Stacy was done , Jackie jumped up . Jackie wasn 't able to read the story as well as Stacy , but she did know it and I helped her along the way . We still had a great time and then the girls were ready for bed . Tomorrow we 'll be heading over to the zoo , and spend a few hours there , in the morning . Jason said he has an appointment , so he won 't be joining us , and that 's okay , he 'll be able to take them again in a few days , if they want to go . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up a little after 07 : 00 this morning and found Joe and Jess ( Linda 's parents ) down stairs having a nice conversation . Jess asked me if I could make her a cup of coffee ( Linda received one of those new style coffee makers from Jason , so we don 't have a regular coffee maker . I 've learned how to use it , even though I don 't drink coffee . Every now and then the knowledge comes in handy . ) so I did . We were still deciding on which church service to go to , so we either had to get moving quickly , or we had a little extra time to get ready . We ended up with a little extra time . . . Actually we thought the first service was at 08 : 30 and later found out it was at 08 : 00 . We would have been horribly late , rather than a little early , as we were . The pews were all full , AND there were extra chairs set up on the side isles . I understand the first service was almost full , as was the third , and the second service , the one we went to , was packed . I hadn 't seen that many people in the church before , though we have only been going to that church for a couple of years . Made me feel pretty good that the pastor still made a point to come say hello and meet Joe and Jess . We got back to the house and had a late breakfast of French Toast ( Linda cooked - and it was great - I think I ate too much ) , and then I did a quick clean up of the kitchen . After that we all just sat around the kitchen table and had a wonderful family conversation . Joe and Jess had brought along a photo album with them , from Joe 's family , so Linda was really loving the pictures and the discussion . She learned a few things ( I learned a bunch ) and it was one of those family times that really makes you glad that you have a great family . Jason came out about 16 : 00 ( 4 pm ) to begin working on dinner . He had decided that he wanted to make one of his wonderful soups ( almost a stew ) so we just basically cleared out the kitchen and let him take over . I helped a little , and the rest was all him . About 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30 pm ) , the girls came back to the house , and that meant there was going to be an Easter Egg hunt . Jess and I had hidden most of the eggs in the backyard , about the same time Jason began working on the soup . First things first , though - the girls got to check out their baskets , inside the house first . This went on for about 20 minutes , then they were ready to go to the backyard and look for all the " other " eggs . Stacy found most of them , though Jackie did a respectable collection of her own . Shortly after this dinner was ready and the soup was excellent . Each of us had at least two bowls and there was still some left , when we were done . The only thing left to do was to get the girls down and then the rest of the household down for the night . They asked me to tell them a story tonight , instead of reading , so I made up a story about the Easter Bunny , and how he came to be . It was a simply story , and they liked it , so I was quite happy with the out come . Tomorrow we 'll be going up to the house , in the morning and from there Joe and Jess will be heading on back up to their place , as we come back down to here . I suspect that it is going to be another fun day , for all of us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A nice day and a day for a personal best on my bike . I rode out to Santee this morning , and that was by way of Mission Gorge . Getting up over that hill was a little more difficult than I thought it was going to be , yet I was still able to get it done . I did ask Jason to come pick me up because of the time . I was afraid that it would take me another two hours to get back up over the hill again , for the return trip , and there were too many things to still be done . . . though , I am getting ahead of myself . I woke up at 06 : 15 this morning and decided that a bike ride was in order . The girls had not come up yet , so I just went and brushed my teeth , and cleaned up a little , then got dressed for a bike ride . As I was heading down stairs both of them came up and I asked them to go in and just lay down with Grandma ( Linda ) , and I thought that was all I needed to do . Jackie had different ideas and wanted to not only lay down with Grandma , she also wanted to play and discuss anything and everything . Linda didn 't get to stay in bed for very long , and so before I was able to get out of the house , Linda was up and began getting breakfast for the girls . My ride was only 22 miles , and that was because I only went the one way . If I 'd completed a round trip I would have gone over 40 miles today . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed and I just had to make dinner for the family . Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , did come down to spend a couple of days with us , and the girls went over to their mom 's place for a one - day stay , because of Easter . I made spaghetti , and made a couple of alterations from my usual , and one of those changes was a spicier ( hotter ) sauce . It wasn 't too spicy just a little bit of a zing , and since the girls were not having dinner with us , it seemed like a good time for a change . Everyone liked it , and there wasn 't much left once we were done eating . We 'll all be going to Easter services tomorrow and then seeing where the day takes us . The girls will be coming back to the house at about 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30 pm ) , so we 'll have an Easter Egg Hunt after they get back to the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a much more relaxed kind of day , though still plenty busy . We didn 't have to get up to take the girls to school , so instead they came up to get us out of bed . They were up to our room at just before 07 : 00 , and it was Jackie first , this time ( Stacy came up a couple of minutes later ) . It was fun and we did manage to lay around for a short while then I announced I was going down to make some pancakes and eggs for breakfast . This announcement was well received and in just a few seconds the girls were following me down . Of course this left Linda up in bed and she decided to take advantage of the opportunity and got a little more sleep ( I don 't think she got more than an hour - but still it was nice for her ) . Shortly after breakfast , which , by - the - way , was quite good , I took care of some things and then the girls and I were off to the park , to ride their bikes . Well , first we went to the school , where they could ride in the parking lot - always nice when no one else is around - and then over to the park . They were having a great time when this other woman showed up , along with her daycare , all around Jackie 's age . This made Stacy the oldest , but that was okay with her . They all played very well and we ended up staying there for about an hour . I think they would have stayed longer but we 'd been out for close to two hours at this time and I wanted to get them back to the house for lunch and besides I was getting a little hungry , too . Lunch was simple , just soup and sandwich , and then the girls went down for a nap . Joselyn had arrived a short while after they went down for a nap and she and Linda got to talking about flowers ( Linda likes fresh flowers in the house ) . With this they asked if I 'd mind if they went to get some flowers at a local wholesale distributor and I said to go ahead and go . Of course now this gave me an opportunity to just kick back and relax , and like any good male - I fell asleep on the couch . They were only gone for an hour and brought back some very nice flowers , so we all got what we wanted . : - ) The evening was right in - line with the rest of the day and we had a good evening . I fixed some chicken and rice and Linda fixed the vegetables . It was a nice balanced meal and the girls always enjoy the chicken . Linda gave the girls their bath while I helped Jason with his and shortly , the girls were in bed and we were finishing the clean up in the kitchen . Tomorrow , Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , will be coming for a nice visit and staying through Easter . Speaking of Easter , I almost forgot - The girls colored some eggs today with Grandma , and had a great time . My involvement was boiling the eggs and making the coloring solutions for the eggs . They enjoyed it , but wanted to do more eggs , so we said next year I would boil more ( they only got 10 today - the rest will be plastic ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We started out by sleeping in - neither Linda or myself got up before 07 : 00 this morning , and that is really sleeping in for us . I wasn 't going to go for a bike ride but then Linda said she was going to do some of her exercises and I figured I 'd better go for the ride - I need to keep up with her . For those that don 't know , she is looking great ! She has been exercising and eating healthy and . . . looking great ! I got out before 07 : 30 and decided I didn 't " need " much of a breakfast , and that was a mistake . I ate a banana and was on the road . At one point I was peddling on a relatively flat area and able to maintain a consistent 21 mph or higher pace , for about half a mile I was hitting 25 mph . I did this for just a little over a mile and then slowed down . I didn 't know there was a group of younger guys riding behind me ( four of them I think ) , and when I dropped down to about 17 mph they all passed me . I felt like I had put in a good day right there , but still had a few more miles to go . My total ride was just a little over 15 miles - and I 'm not riding tomorrow , I want to give my legs a little recovery time . After getting back to the house and cooling down Linda and I went to Costco , with Jason . We picked up a few things and then headed back to the house . It was a pretty fast trip to Costco because we needed to pick up the girls from school . We don 't normally pick up the girls on Thursdays , but needed to today , and so when we got home Linda went immediately to the school while I put the groceries away - then I followed her . The girls were all very excited for a couple of reasons , as Easter is one of their favorite holidays and it also meant they were going on Spring break / vacation . Once we got the girls home Linda made them a quick lunch and then they went to go lay down and nap . We were headed to the church tonight for Maundy Thursday , and the girls were excited about going . The next thing we needed to prepare for was for the memorial service the skeet club wanted to do for Artim Lazukin , a friend of Jason and fellow Marine , who recently died . We needed to be there a 15 : 45 ( 3 : 45 pm ) , or as close as possible . We left the house at just about the time I wanted and hit a little more traffic than I thought . We still managed to arrive before 16 : 00 ( 4 pm ) and the services were very nice . It was on Camp Pendleton with the Chaplin from the Wounded Warrior Battalion helping out . There was also a ceremonial shoot in Artim 's honor , and it was nice , but it also took longer than I thought it was going to and that made me late for Maundy Thursday . Linda took the girls and I came in late , but still in time for most of it . We came back to the house and managed to get Jason some food and Linda managed to get the girls to bed . The Maundy services were very nice and the girls had a great time with the Children 's time that was put together for all the kids . It also managed to get all the kids excited and wanting to tell us all about Moses and Jesus and how Passover and Easter came to be . Still the girls were ready to go to bed and Linda managed to get them slowed down while she read them a story . This all took place while I worked with Jason and he got his shower in and a dressing change . Tomorrow shouldn 't be quite as busy , though we still have plenty to do . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started out a little on the kookier side - as you might expect with it being April Fools ' Day . About every 5 seconds one of the girls would attempt their best joke , and of course Grandma and Grandpa had to play along . After about a dozen of these they started to get a little worn , from my perspective , but it did make the girls happy so we continued . Finally I said they had to eat their breakfast , or they might be late for school , and it helped . We walked the girls to school and came back to the house to begin a little bit of a clean up and also to help Jason get ready for his appointments . Actually he was headed over to Balboa to visit the folks in the PT area and then later , about 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) he had an appointment to see the dentist at the VA . The only thing I wanted to do was to get in a bike ride , and so at about 09 : 00 I took off on my bike . It was a nice ride and I put in just a little over 24 miles , and it felt pretty good . I had a good workout and as I was cooling down Jason asked me to go with him to the dentist , because he didn 't know if they were going to be doing anything more than a cleaning . Linda stayed back to work on cleaning some things up around the house and also to do some prep work for Easter . When we did get back to the house Jason let us know that the girls would be coming back to us on Thursday , rather than Friday , so that meant a few changes in our plans . Linda and I had to head over to Target to pick up a few things , and perhaps that was a good thing , since Target was looking like it had been shopped over pretty well already . Fortunately Linda already had most of the needed items , and this was just a few other things to complete the picture . Jason said he had , had a busy day and therefore he took an early shower and dressing change , and Linda and I decided to just kick back to relax and watch a dvd . This has been a good and fun day , and like so many , it had some surprises . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

Well , we 've all made it to the end of the 4th month of this " new " year , and the time continues to just move on by . I really assumed that Jason 's wounds would have been just about all healed up by now , and am sorry to report that they are in fact , not making much progress at all , right now . In fact they have gone a little on the reverse direction . Still , they are much better than they were a year ago , and Jason is still in very strong spirits . I believe the biggest issue is the seating challenges he is dealing with , and I am hopeful that the different teams that are looking at the problem will be able to come up with some solution . Now on with the days activities . We got the girls up this morning and though it was a little on the unusual side , to have them here on a Thursday , it all felt very much like it was a Tuesday or Wednesday ( maybe even a Monday ) . They both got up , a little slowly and we were out the door with the time needed to get to school on time . The funny part is that no matter how " tired " they claim to be in the morning , when we are going to school , they both take off and kind of race each other , to see who can get to the entrance first . Typically Stacy wins , though I think Jackie is starting to pick up a little speed . All the while , Grandma and Grandpa are bringing up the rear , by a few steps . Linda and I had a few errands to take care of this morning , and then wanted to be sure to be here , at the house , by the afternoon . Robert , Joselyn 's husband , was coming over to take a look at the door of the Fusion . The handle broke yesterday , and I was unable to open it from inside , from the drivers seat - but more on that in a minute . Jason also had a couple of errands to take care of , all related to Kojak . Kojak is still with the vet , and it looks like he will be there until Monday , at the least . The little guy is really sick , and it is taking a little longer to get him over it than first thought . Jason wanted to go spend some time with him , and give as much support as he could . The good part is that Kojak responded to Jason very well , and when Jason came in he was noticeably happy that Jason was there . Jason also had to go out and purchase new bedding for the pup , as the doctor said the virus could still be in the old stuff , so that was another errand he had to take care of . Tomorrow , Linda is going to be cleaning the carpet and hopefully getting everything cleaned up for Kojak 's return . Now the car , on the other hand was another issue to be dealt with . Robert was able to come over and take a look at the car , and within just a few minutes , maybe 10 , he had the door apart , and the unit removed . He figured out what was wrong and got a replacement part , via a phone call . Robert had one other job to go take care of , and said he would be back shortly , and he was . This time I don 't think he took more than five minutes to put the new part in , and the door back together . I have to say that he is probably the most knowledgeable guy I know , when it comes to autos . I was talking with Joselyn a bit later and she told me that dealerships will sometimes call him , when they run into a particularly difficult problem , and he never fails to figure it out . I guess that is one of the reasons his own auto shop is so successful . We are so grateful that we have gotten to know them , as they have become truly good friends . Oh , and just to be sure it is understood , the door is working just like new . The rest of the day was much more relaxed and we really didn 't do much , other than a quick run to Target and Jason 's shower . Tomorrow we will be going to Pala Casino / Hotel , to see Gabriel Iglesias ( ' Fluffy ' ) on stage . This is actually for Jason 's birthday , which is at the end of the month , but the show is tomorrow . We were able to get tickets to the show through the Gary Sinise Foundation , and Jason is very happy about going . Fluffy is one of Jason 's favorite comedians , and has commented a couple of times that he would really like to see him , live . I saw that he was coming to the area ( Pala ) and spoke with the Gary Sinise Foundation about it . The Foundation always seems to want to do all they can to help Jason , and I am very pleased with the out come . One other thing , because we will be spending a night at the Pala Resort - Hotel , I won 't be posting tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day of life in the fast lane for the Ross family , down in San Diego . We got up to get the girls ready and out the door , for school . As usual , it was organized chaos , and the girls had great fun ( as did Grandma and Grandpa ) . We got to their respective classes and then came right back to the house , so we could get breakfast for Jason . It was also a good time for me to get out on my bike , again , and get in a nice little 19 + miles . It was a very nice ride out to the beach and then around Fiesta Island , then back to the house . While I was on my bike ride Linda took Jackie to her weekly Wednesday speech therapy . Linda and I had to get up to Oceanside , as we both had appointments today , and the funny thing is , they were both kind of close to each other , physically , so it worked out very well . Linda 's appointment was with one of the local businesses , and I had a dermatology appointment at the VA . Both of us are doing well and no problem to worry about right now . After the appointments were done we called Anthony and Angelica , to see if they were going to be home ( they live in Oceanside ) and to see if they were interested in heading up to Fallbrook . As it turned out , they did want to go with us to check out the progress of the house . The house is looking excellent , and ( drum roll please ) the exterior of the house has the first application of stucco , and the texturing work on the sheet rock has begun . All the walls are now completely defined , and my guess is that they will soon be painted ! After our quick visit we jumped back in to the Fusion ( our car ) and headed over to get some early dinner - or late lunch . Both Anthony and Angelica were very impressed with the house and how fast they are moving on getting it built . I guess the next biggest question to going to be . . . " What does the paint look like in the house ? And , when will it be fully painted ? We left the property and headed over to Tekila and I had one of those great bowls of soup , and Linda had her favorite - - fish tacos . We actually had to get going , as the girls were coming back to Jason 's place , to spend the night . We will again take them to school , and then they will head back to their mom ' place . I did get some pictures taken today , though I think they won 't be down loaded until tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of the things that we were dealing with over these past several weeks was making sure we had the right amount of medical supplies for Jason . I have written about it a few times , and as an update to that small drama - we now have plenty of supplies , and in fact , some items that we don 't need , and fortunately , those are only a few . I am hopeful that going forward they have been able to iron out the kinks and we won 't run into those supply gaps as we had in the past . Today was a bit like yesterday , quiet and comfortable for the most part . It is Taco Tuesday , so we had that to look forward to , for most of the day , and the girls really like their Taco Tuesday . The one thing that has happened that is a little more on the concern side , is that Kojak is not feeling well , and we had to take him to the doctor . Actually , Jason had made the appointment already , for a well puppy check up , only this time the puppy wasn 't well . He is now on some antibiotics and we are expecting him to be feeling much better in a matter of a few days . One thing that did happen was that the Gary Sinise Foundation was at a fundraiser function in the Midwest somewhere ( sorry I don 't remember exactly where it took place ) and a presentation was made to a good sized audience and it went well . I found out that one of the topics highlighted by that presentation was us . More and more people are learning about Jason and his family , including Linda and I , kind of makes me feel humbled , though I hope it was helpful in raising awareness of those that are still in need of support . Tomorrow I am looking to get a nice bike ride in the morning - after the girls are dropped off . Then a little later in the day , Linda and I are headed back up to Fallbrook . We like to get up there to check on the progress of the house and see just what is going on that is new . This is so very exciting to us , as well as the rest of the family . The girls constantly talk about when they get their rooms , so we just like to stay on top of all that is going on with the build . I will do my best to get more pictures posted , and to continue to share our excitement . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been one very relaxed and quiet Sunday . About the only thing we did , or maybe I should say , " didn 't " do was go to church . I got up at about 06 : 30 and got out on my bike . I wanted to get in a few miles and managed to do 16 + miles . I returned to the house and fixed some breakfast for Jason and I , and then went up to see what Linda was doing . It was almost 09 : 00 and I figured she needed to get up , so that there would be plenty of time to go to church . What I didn 't plan on was that she wasn 't feeling well . I checked her out and she didn 't have a temperature we needed to worry about , just that she didn 't feel right , and she wanted to just stay down , and she did . By the time everything was settled it was well past going to church , so I just didn 't go . Other than a quick trip to Target , where I picked up a few things , and Jason taking the dogs for a walk , we all just stayed home . Kojak , Jason 's new pup is still a little on the nervous side , though he seems to be slowly warming up to us . He 's gotten a bit more familiar with the leash and doesn 't fight it as much , so I figure it will take a couple more weeks , and then he 'll be feeling more like one of the family . I have posted a picture ( below ) , so that all of you can see what he looks like , and as a reminder , he is almost 15 weeks old now . What has really been a blessing . . . he hasn 't had an accident in the house , yet , and really enjoys going out side with Jason . Linda went to bed early this evening , and I think I might turn in a little early as well . Tomorrow I will be going down to the DMV with Jason to get his disability plates for the van . With all the streamlining that has been done in the government offices , it now takes forever to get things done . We 'll ( Jason is planning on going with me ) get there early and see how long it takes . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning with the full intention of going out for a bike ride , and maybe getting in 25 miles or so . Didn 't happen though , I got busy doing some things around the house and before I knew it , it was nearly 10 : 00 , and that didn 't give me enough time to do anything but a very short ride , and then I decided to just head over to Trader Joe 's , to pick up a few things . Jason and I were expecting some guests at about 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and I realized that I had no munchies or drinks - other than water and milk . Linda was still out with Karen , and though Karen was leaving today I didn 't know what time she was going to be getting back home . After getting back from Trader Joe 's we were ready and there was still plenty of time , so I kicked back and started watching some T . V . , Modern Marvels was on , and they were showing the top 100 things that impacted the development of humans on Earth . Some of them were very interesting , like the Rosetta Stone , and Tesla 's earthquake machine . I think though , that they were correct in selecting the number one item , and that was the Bible ( Gutenberg 's Press was also in the list , mostly because of the printing of the Bible ) . It was a fun and interesting program and I learned a bit more , so I was very happy with it , and at about the time they were coming to the number one item , it was now 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) , and I noticed that Linda had just parked the car . I went to open the door and see if she needed any help and she said , " Hello , and look who I found . " It was the folks from Cal Poly . Professor Lily Laiho and three students , James , Matthew and Jim ( I think I got their names right ) , all from the Quality of Life program , where they work to improve the life of one or more people with their engineering creations . In Jason 's case , it is to come up with a better seating solution than what he currently has . I was very pleased to see Linda , as she frequently sees aspects of things different and more clearly than I do , and always helpful in these discussions . The best part of this discussion , though , is that Jason did more of the talking than ever , and I was pleased to see him do this . The team asked a number of questions and took a number of measurements and a bunch of pictures . They stayed for about 90 minutes and then headed on back . They said that they will be coming back down from time to time , as well as communicating via phone , email and Skype . However , if there was a desire for us to get up to Cal Poly , they would be happy to show us around and we just might take them up on that offer . The rest of the evening was relaxed and Jason worked a little with Kojak , his new dog , and we all had dinner by the dinning room table . We had a great family type discussion and I really felt almost like it was back like it would have been , had it not been for that I . E . D . Kojak is still a little nervous around us and likes to hide a bit , but then it has only been 1 - day . I 'm sure over the next couple of weeks he will be getting more warmed up to us . Gracie is doing her best to make him feel welcome , so with all of us working together it will be just a matter of time . One last thing - a number of you have contacted me and said that you were unable to make comments . I believe you should be able to now , if you are still experiencing difficulties , please contact me and I will do my best to figure out why . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very interesting day , and a change to the Ross household . We have a " new " member , and I 'll get to that in a little bit . First , it began with me getting up and going down and checking on Jason , to see what he was interested in , for breakfast . It was going to be a busy day , so a relatively quick and easy breakfast would be best , and we both had a bowl of Cheerios . We had to get ready for the flight up north . Neither of us really knew where the plane was taking off from , though we did have the address . Because we hadn 't been there in the past we wanted to leave a little on the early side , and we did . As it turned out , we found it despite the directions the GPS was giving - it wanted us to go in the opposite direction of where it was , and I attribute that to signal interference , since we were right next to an airport . Anyway , we got to the building for Crownair , where we were to meet up with the pilot and crew for our trip . . . we just happened to get there 1 / 2 an hour early . And that was okay , as the weather wasn 't raining , at least not yet . We met the pilot and crew and they were all great guys ( Craig , Doug , and John ) , and the ground crew was very helpful as well . There was even another gentleman there , regrettably I don 't recall his name , just that he is a former Navy Seal and he wanted to meet Jason ( he gave Jason a challenge coin and a shirt ) , though he wasn 't going on the trip . They told us the plane was ready and we all got on and we were off . Getting on , was a little different , as they had this lift system that allowed Jason to actually roll up on to a platform and then they lifted him up to the plane and he rolled on to the plane . Probably the easiest and best method we 've encountered yet . The ride was pretty exciting , as there was a little turbulence at both the take off and landing , and as one might expect , Jason does not like being bounced around . We were just very pleased that it was only for a couple of moments , and everything else went very smoothly . We flew into Yolo County Airport , and the folks there were very helpful as well . From what we could see and from what the pilots were saying , it is a very nice airport , and they intend to fly into it again . It is pretty much out in the middle of no where , yet very modern looking and well taken care of . The one down side is that we took longer to get off the ground than originally planned , and then we also hit some very strong head wind and that added an additional 30 minutes to our travel . From there we jumped in to the van that we rented from Ability Center of Sacramento . They had delivered the van and left it there for our use , even though we were over an hour late . When we came back I just left it at the airport for them to pick up , probably tomorrow . Pretty amazing folks , and trusting , and I like that . We drove to the address that we were given , to pick up the puppy , and this is where things kind of went a little wrong . There was no answer at the door , and we weren 't sure what to do next , other than try to reach the person we were told would be there . Jason sent a text message , made a phone call and sent an email - no response to any of it . We were now standing across the street , because that 's where the shade tree was , and I said I was going to go back across the street to knock on the door again . This time , when no one answered , and I started to walk back over to Jason , an Animal Control officer drove up and asked me if I lived in the house . I explained to her why I was there and that we were attempting to pick up a dog for Jason . She got involved because they , the county Sheriff and Animal Control were trying to get in touch with her . Actually , a Sheriff Deputy showed up a short while later and he was finally able to get someone to answer the door . Jason and I had been there for nearly two hours by now , and we were thinking we needed to get going , because Stacy was part of a concert at the school , and we wanted to be there . Well , it took about another 30 minutes and we finally got the puppy . He , Kojak is his name , is a very cute little guy with huge feet , and he is the newest member of the family that I was talking about at the beginning . We headed back to the airport and flew back down to San Diego , and soon found out that Stacy was sick and won 't be going to the performance . Actually , I am kind of glad that Jason was able to just lay back down ( after a shower ) and get some rest , he already had enough for one day . I made a simple soup and sandwich dinner and we called it a day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by We did get up this morning and I took off for a quick bike ride , I got a total of 14 miles in and managed to get it done in an hour , even with all the traffic stops , so I was pretty happy about that . I was also quite exhausted and out of breath . I just don 't have that same level of stamina as I used to , when I was in my 20 's ( or 30 's , or 40 's . . . ) . I got home with enough time to cool down a little ; take a quick shower ; get dressed , and then go pick up Karen at the airport . Actually , the timing was pretty close to perfect , as she had just gotten out to the curb as we drove up . We drove up to the construction site of Jason 's new house and the progress is coming along very nicely . The sheet rocking is just about completed , and they will be moving on to the next thing , which I think is texturing the walls and maybe working on the roof . The real good thing is that with the end of the work on the walls , Jason can safely come and visit again . After the house visit we decided to head over to Teckillas , a local restaurant and had lunch . Jason was out taking care of some personal issues and making a few purchases . Tomorrow we ( Jason and I ) will be heading north to pick up a new service dog for him . Gracie is still doing well , but an opportunity presented it self to Jason and he wanted to take advantage of it . By the time the new dog ( to be named Kojak ) is ready to begin working , Gracie will be getting closer to her own retirement , so it is a good transition . At least that 's the theory . We will be flying up to Yolo County , up by Sacramento , and flying back home in a matter of just a few hours . It will be a new experience for us , and I am hopeful that all will go well . Not much else to go over right now , just that Jason is doing well and we have the medical supplies all in place now ( everything came today ) . Now the big thing is to see if they can remain consistent so that we don 't have to cause any more problems . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . It has been another good day for Jason , and the Ross family , here in San Diego . We did have to take the girls to school this morning , and now won 't see them again for five days , then the cycle all begins again . Over the past few weeks we have been running into some difficulties getting wound care supplies and making sure that we have all that is needed to help Jason . I think , as a result of working with Dr . Sheu and Sarah with the V . A . most , if not all the issues have been addressed and by the end of this week we will have the supplies rolling like they 're supposed to . That makes me feel much more comfortable , and I think it makes Jason feel better as well . Tomorrow Karen Ryan , a family friend , will be coming down to spend some time with us , and she and Linda plan to take off for a couple of days for some " girls time " together . We will be getting up a little on the early side and I 'll take off for a quick bike ride . At about 10 : 30 Linda and I will head over to the airport to pick up Karen and then we 'll come back to the house , so she can say , " Hi ! " to Jason . From there I 'm not really sure how it is going to roll out , as it depends on how Jason is feeling . I am still looking for it to be a very nice day , even if it rains ( it rained yesterday and early this morning ) . Actually , if it rains I 'll be kind of happy . Linda and I watched a movie , Enemy at the Gates , as we hadn 't seen it in quite a while . One of the benefits of having a bunch of movies is that sometimes you can go back to your " collection " and find something that you haven 't seen in a while , and it is a really good movie . I even made some popcorn and we kind of felt like we had our own little theater . Then we decided to go to bed , as we were getting tired . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This has been a nice day to transition back in to our regular routine of living down here in San Diego . We got up this morning and went down stairs to get the girls up and ready for school . The big surprise was that both Stacy and Jackie got up and were moving with little encouragement from Linda . We both expected that they were going to want to stay in bed and rest , since the last few days have been pretty busy . I went to the kitchen , while Linda was with the girls , and I got their breakfasts ready as well as their lunches . At about 15 minutes before the school bell we were out the door and on our way . The girls were both feeling great and literally ran to school . Linda and I had to walk much faster than we usually do , and needless to say , we got their a little early . Fortunately there were no teacher meetings this morning ( or at least none we know of ) and getting there a little on the early side worked out just fine . Linda had a few errands she wanted to take care of and I wanted to get a bike ride in . Jason had told us that he had no appointments , so everything was going rather smoothly . As it turned out , Jason did have a couple of things he wanted to get done , so he took off for the bank while I was out on my bike . I got home , after a 19 mile ride , and as I approached the house Linda was taking off to head to the store and told me that Jason wanted to go to Balboa . I wanted to go to Balboa too , so Jason was now waiting on me . I wanted to get there to pick up some supplies ( for whatever reason there has been a bit of a problem with getting Jason 's medical supplies shipped to us , and we were very low on one particular item . ) . Jason wanted to pick up a prescription ( actually several ) while I went to pick up the item from Wound Care . While there we stopped in at PT and said , " hello " to a few of the folks , and then ended up over at Dr . Sheu 's area and visited with him for a few minutes . During that conversation he assured us that after he found out there was a problem with the supplier and the insurance company ; he got on the phone and spoke with somebody and now he feels that the issues have been taken care of . Dr . Sheu definitely has a way with dealing with the insurance people . We are supposed to get back with him , if we don 't get the supplies in a matter of a couple of days . Once that was done we just headed on back to the house . Today is Taco Tuesday , and the girls were happy about that . They really do seem to like their tacos . I like them too , though I wouldn 't mind something different on Tuesday every now and then . After dinner it was bath time and while Linda was up with the girls getting their bath , I was down with Jason getting things ready for his shower . His wounds are improving again , and I was happy to see that , now we just need to continue in that direction . Finally it was time for bed and it is in effect , the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to write about for today , other than we had a great time in Livermore ( and San Jose and San Francisco ) . Our host , Debbie Vargas , was wonderful , and we do owe a big thank you , to her , for allowing us to stay with her , it really makes our trips much easier . The day began with a breakfast at IHop , with Marilyn Carter , and we finally got to visit with her for just over an hour - Her schedule is almost as crazy as ours ( maybe more ) . We drove back down to San Diego with a quick stop at Linda 's folk 's place . It is always great to see Joe and Jess , and this time we had the girls with us , so there was a special treat for everyone . Jess made a great dinner and I ate too much , again , then we finished the drive on home . Jason was resting in bed and the girls ran in to say , " Hi ! and then good night ! " to Daddy . Linda and I talked with Jason for a few minutes to make sure everything was okay , and that was pretty much the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We came down , primarily to help celebrate a couple of birthdays , and we did . Yesterday was fun and we got to see and visit with a bunch of folks we hadn 't seen in a while . Today , we started off by going to our old church and we were well received , by everyone . We were here a couple of weeks ago , and the minister was gone , as well as a number of the parishioners we know . Today , everyone was there and we felt special . . We could barely take three steps without having to stop and talk with someone . It felt very warm and loving , to have all these people welcome us back , even knowing that we were only there for a visit . Unfortunately , I believe it is our last visit for a few months , and maybe even longer . We stayed with a friend , Debbie , and she has been a wonderful hostess . Debbie has felt the loss of her nephew who served with the Marines in Afghanistan . She can relate to some of the emotional stress associated with a combat loss . She allows us free reign and we come and go as we need . We have had a little more time , this time , to spend with her , but it still isn 't enough , and we need to appropriately thank her for all that she has done . Linda and I will be working on this over the next couple of days . Today we also got up to San Francisco , to visit with our youngest son , Sean . Before going we stopped to pick up George , our oldest son , and we took BART ( Bay Area Rapid Transit ) in to the City . The girls had not ridden on BART in the past , so they were quite excited to go . Sean is looking much better than the last time we saw him , and I felt much better because of that . Last time we were here he was getting over food poisoning or the flu or something , but he didn 't look too good . He is already on the slender side , and he had lost some weight - today he looked like he put all that weight back on , and his color was much better . We ended the day by heading over to Mike and Karen 's place to have dinner , and it was excellent . All the food was excellent and Ross , Karen 's son , grilled the chicken to perfection . Karen 's folks were there as well and it is always great to see them , so the evening went very well . Stacy was exhausted from the day and fell asleep before we ate , and Jackie was acting like it was just another day - she has some impressive stamina . We are now back and Debbie 's and getting ready for bed . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a great day today , and got to visit with a bunch of different friends we haven 't seen in quite a long time . First it was a 90th birthday for Isabel , a wonderful woman who helped me through some times as a teenager , and NEVER said an angry word to me or anyone that I saw . She is the mother of a very good friend of mine and he and I have stayed in touch over the many years . Even though I kind of disappeared for a while , she still calls me her second son , Larry , my friend is an only child . Anyway , it was great to see her and to get to spend some time with Larry and the rest of the family , including cousins and other extended family . Linda and I had to keep helping each other remember people 's names and partners . Stacy and Jackie stayed with us , during this event and behaved themselves just as we would have expected . We even received complements on how well they were behaving . The second birthday was the 70th birthday for Russ Greenlaw , and he was as cheerful as he ever was and it was so good to see my old Boy Scout partner again . He and I spent about 24 years together as adult leaders for the Boy Scouts , in the Livermore area , and we had some really good times together , and with the boys . We even took them to Japan a couple of times and hiked Mt . Fuji ( I believe Russ has actually been there 3 times ) . Again , Linda and I didn 't know everybody in attendance , and that didn 't matter , it was good to get together with the people we did know and renew some friendships . While we were at this gathering the girls stayed at a friend 's house from church and their daughter , Sarah , who used to work for Linda when she had her day care business watched the girls . We called Jason tonight , and woke him up . That wasn 't the plan , just that 's what happened . We wanted to give the girls a chance to say good night to Daddy , and I think he was happy to be disturbed this time . He said all was going well and we would be able to connect up with him tomorrow . . . so we will . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice day , and we managed to get a few things done , including a trip up to the new house . We did take some photos , though I won 't be posting any of them today . The progress on the house is moving along very nicely , and I remain hopeful that we will be in it sometime around August , and be able to get things set up there , before the new school year . Jason , is working on this , and I am very proud at how he is handling it , with very little intervention for either myself or Linda . I did get a chance to get out on the bike this morning , and it was kind of a strange ride . I felt like I was working very hard , and I did mange to get in 17 miles , but it felt more like 30 when I was done . I was breathing harder than I typically do and my lungs were definitely feeling it . After a little while I was feeling much better and I just went on doing the same old things I normally do , like coordinate a flight to Yolo County ( for those that don 't know , Yolo County is in California , and is close to Sacramento ) . We are gong to be going up there to pick up Jason 's new service dog , and we 'll be flying up on the 24th and flying back on the 24th . The dog is ready for him to pick up and I think he is feeling pretty anxious to go get it . Linda and I will also be heading up to Livermore , tomorrow , and staying until Monday . There are a couple of birthdays we have been invited to , and we really want to go to . One if for a very dear friend of ours who is turning 90 . We haven 't seen her in a couple of years , I think , so this is a very good reason to be heading up there . The other is for another close friend who I spent many years with , in the Boy Scouts , as an adult leader . We had a lot of fun together - He 'll be turning 70 years old . We 'll be leaving early in the morning and the girls will be taking school work along with us . Linda has been doing all the heavy lifting today , as my energy level has been relatively low . I 'm feeling better now , and that 's a good thing , as I don 't want to have to sleep during the driving . Besides , Linda hates it when I sleep and drive . . . Only kidding , I don 't sleep and drive ! Not sure about posts over these next few days , though I will attempt to get some in . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , in that we got the girls off to school on time and then Jason and I headed off to the hospital for his appointment . Linda had her own appointment to get to , so she was not able to go with us . We met with the doctors for internal medicine and general surgery and they examined Jason , three different times . First it was the Lieutenant and she came in and did the basic exam and I guess she wanted to have a more senior guy come in , so the Lieutenant Commander ( also a doctor ) came in and took a look at Jason , while asking questions . He felt compelled to bring in his boss and the Navy Captain came in and he was definitely the guy in charge . He also asked some of the same questions , again , and had a good look at Jason and the issue , and this time there was no mention of any kind of alternate option . He just said this needs to be corrected and surgery is the only way to do that . We now have a date for surgery , May 19 , 2015 and Jason will be staying in the hospital for a few days ( we really don 't know how many right now , but probably 3 or 4 ) . I know Jason will be glad to get this out of the way , as it is an inconvenience and he 'd like to get on with his life again . Otherwise he is doing well and his overall attitude is as positive as ever . I think a big factor behind that is the amount of time he gets to spend with his daughters and also the fact that the house is moving along very well . We are all looking forward to moving in , while also recognizing that there are a bunch of things we need to get done before then . The rest of the day was relaxed and not much else went on . I took care of some business and Linda took care of us . I think I had the easier job . . ; - ) . There was a nice visit from Tom Lightener and Fred Thomson , two of the most dedicated guys we 've met . They have been running a wood turning program for a few years now and the benefit to the Wounded Warriors is wonderful They have helped Jason a number of times and continue to stop by just to say hello , every now and again . Tom even thought to drop off a couple of wood tops , for the girls , and they 'll love them . We are getting ready for another trip up to Livermore , as there are a couple of birthday parties we have been invited to , so we will be leaving Friday morning , and more on that tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today turned out to be a very nice day for us . Not because we had the girls with us or because I was able to get a 28 mile ride in . Not because the weather was great or that Linda and I visited our stored things . All those things are really nice and all , but today , this evening after the girls had gone to bed , Linda and I were able to just have a wonderful conversation with Jason , in the kitchen . We must have talked for a couple of hours and we went over all kinds of topics , from the girls to his recovery to the people he has been able to help in their healing process . Most of our conversations don 't last much more than 30 minutes , and those are good conversations , it is just that to have that much time in an engaged conversation was a special treat . The rest of the day was just a normal day and not really that much to write about . We got the girls up and took them to school . Linda had a couple of errands to run , as did Jason , and I went out on a nice ride out to Cabrillo National Monument . One of the things I found out as a result of that ride is that Jason is eligible for a life - time pass to all national parks , and the ranger at Cabrillo is the first person to say anything about it to me . Jason will be following up on that one , it could be quite handy . There isn 't much else to go on about , so this is going to be a relatively short post . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , I guess Friday the 13th came on a Monday , this month . Only it hasn 't been a bad day at all for the Ross clan in San Diego . It has actually been a rather nicer , almost relaxing kind of day with Linda getting a chance to catch up a little with our niece Katie and Jason and I having a nice visit at Balboa . We got up this morning and kind of piddled around slowly getting ready , and not really knowing what we were going to see today . Linda had a more focused view , and in a relatively short period she was ready to go and Jason and I were still finishing our breakfast cereals ( we had Cheerios today ) . Linda initially had some trouble with the GPS ( it insisted that she was up in Laguna ) so I just printed the direction out from Google Maps , and she was on her way . Funny thing is , when she was returning she found that the GPS was now working correctly . . . go figure . Jason and I had to get down town to get some documents notarized and that was actually more fun than I anticipated . There wasn 't much traffic and it kind of gave us a chance to look around a little . Because of my bike riding and taking some time to learn the city a little better I was able to show Jason how to get from where we were to the base . It didn 't take long and with lite traffic the drive wasn 't too bad . We did get to see Jennifer Town and we had a nice visit with her . Parking is a real challenge still , and some of the changes they 've made are tough on the C5 guys , and we told Jennifer about this , and she said she would look into it . One thing we 've learned about Jennifer , when she says she is going to do something , it happens . One of the main reasons for going in was to look at setting an appointment to figure out when surgery could be done , and we have an appointment now , to do just that . We will be going back on Wednesday to speak with the right folks ( Dr . Sheu is in Denver , so we 'll be speaking with the other doctors to get this set up ) , and when we get back home , in the afternoon - on Wednesday , we should have a surgery scheduled . The rest of the time there was at PT , and there turned out to be another Marine there and he and Jason hit it off pretty well . Apparently , Tennet ( I believe that 's how you spell his name ) wants to start working with Jason on learning how to play the banjo . I think that 's pretty cool , and I 'm glad to hear that the instruments Jason has may finally get used . We got back home and shortly thereafter , Linda came home ( it was about 1 minute between the time of our arrival and her arrival ) . We went and picked up the girls and the rest of the day was pretty much routine . I think we may have to go to Costco tomorrow , though it is Taco Tuesday , if not we 'll go for sure on Wednesday . I may even try to get a bike ride in tomorrow , though that isn 't solid at this time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started off with a bowl of oatmeal and raisins - you know , one of those comfortable days that just can 't get in a hurry . We went to church and it was the youth service , and they did an excellent job of it . as well as the social gathering afterward . I was glad we went , though it would have been fun to have had the girls with us , they always enjoy Sunday School . Other than taking care of a few things around the house , and finishing up some tax preparations ( yeah , we still haven 't filed for 2014 ) it has just been a basic easy day . This evening we were invited to a meal with Bruce and Rosemary R . of the Carrington Corporation , a memorial for Bruce 's father who passed away recently . Hal was just shy of 90 years , and died of cancer , he will be missed . Linda and I were very pleased at being invited , as we got to see some friends we usually don 't see very often , and the meal it self was wonderful . Tomorrow we will be going in to Balboa , to see Dr . Sheu , and discussing what and when the next steps will be taken for Jason . Jason didn 't come to the dinner because of the challenges he is dealing with right now , and why he is in need of another surgery . Other than that , and picking up the girls , I would have to say the only other thing we need to do is go food shopping . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A very nice day , for us , though there were enough challenges to keep us on our toes . We got up at about 07 : 30 and each of us had a goal we wanted to get done . Jason wanted to get Gracie over to a training session ; Linda wanted to go to a Blue Star Mothers meeting ; and , I wanted to go for a longer bike ride . I was the first one out , and that was almost 09 : 00 when I left . I had no idea where I was going to go , but I knew I wanted to get some miles in , and attempt to ride where there was less traffic to deal with . I got up to the Pacific Coast Highway and turned to head toward Mission Bay . I knew there was a good 14 miles where the traffic was relatively lite . However , as I was making my way in that direction a car passed me . It was an older , restored car , in very good shape . Then there was another one and then another , and this caused me to take a look behind me . There was now a line of these different cars all heading somewhat in the same direction as I was . That would have been cool , except that about 50 meters up they were all turning right , into a driveway ahead of me . On top of this , there were motorcycle cops directing them and stopping traffic - which meant I had to stop . I waited for about 30 of them to enter , then they had to stop so I called over to the office and asked if I could go , and he said , " Yeah , sure . Come on through . " It was great seeing all these great cars , but I would have rather just kept riding on . Anyway , the ride continued on for about 27 1 / 2 miles and then I got home . Linda left just a little while after I did , for her meeting up near Fallbrook . She was very happy about getting a chance to get together with these women , and to discuss all the stuff they were doing . She misses all the things she had gotten involved with in the SF Bay Area , so this has been a relief of sorts , and also a chance to socialize . She did say that she still misses the folks from the Bay Area , and will probably stay in touch with them , just because of what they mean to her . She came back home about an hour ( maybe a little more ) after I had gotten home , and immediately got involved with taking care of some other things around the house . As for Jason . . . he never got out to the training . He has run into a bit of a problem that is going to have to be dealt with at Balboa . We had a little discussion when I came home and we 'll be getting with Dr . Sheu early next week . Bottom line is that there is probably surgery on the horizon for Jason , and it is not something we are looking forward to . It is something we have discussed in the past , and knew would eventually come up , I guess we were just hoping that it would be a little longer before we would have to revisit . As Dr . Sheu once said , it is a relatively simple surgery , but then when working with Jason , nothing is as simple as with other people . Jason spent most of the rest of the day in bed , and he still remained in good spirits , despite the set back . I grilled some stakes and we had a nice dinner . Linda and I relaxed by watching Sea Biscuit . We hadn 't seen that movie in a long time and found it to be very entertaining and relaxing . Tomorrow we will be going to church and then maybe doing some work with the storage areas . We need to start packing stuff up and getting ready for the move - even if it is five months away . We also need to identify what we are taking and what is being sold or donated . The idea of the new house is pretty exciting , and also daunting . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a memorial / funeral of a fallen Wounded Warrior we had gotten to know over the past few years . Artem Lazukin was laid to rest and will be sleeping in his blues until the end of time , and then today we learned of another death , of a father of another friend of ours . Hal Rose had been fighting liver cancer for the past 20 years , or so , and he finally succumb to it . He was almost 90 years old . Artem was 27 years . Hal also served his country and will have an honor guard at his funeral , on Sunday . We did manage to have some enjoyable things to do , like today we went with the builder , of Jason 's new house , to look at tile and counter tops . We picked out some very nice colors and designs , where I put in my opinion , and then let Jason and Linda do all the serious picking . A real nice aspect of it was that it was relatively close to our current residence , so we didn 't have to do too much driving . The rest of the days have been relaxed and some time for contemplation of life in general . I think we have been blessed by God , to have been able to enjoy the life we have and to have each other to support and help as time goes on . Tomorrow Jason is going to be taking Gracie up to her training , and I just might get a nice bike ride it . This should give Linda some free time to take care of more of the work she has been trying to get out of the way . Soon we 're going to have to start packing and identifying just exactly what we want to keep and what is going to be going with us when we move to Fallbrook . I 'm both looking forward to the effort and cringing at the thought of going through all our stuff , and trying to do it in an organized manner . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We took the girls over to their mother 's home and dropped them off . They both gave us big hugs and then we were on our way back to our house . Jason had an appointment this morning , though it wasn 't for a couple of hours , and I had some things to do , like communications with the builder of Jason 's new house , as well as with some other folks . Jason and I are planning a trip up to Northern California to pick up his new puppy . This puppy is going to begin training to become the next service dog , and Jason wants to be there to pick up the dog . There is a big challenge though , and that is that Jason has a difficult time with traveling long distance . I think we have that issue behind us now , and once we have confirmation that it is resolved I will put more about it , here in the blog . We got to the hospital at Balboa , where Jason needed to go into Wound Care , and the good news is that the wounds are looking better again , and I am feeling much better as a result ( I think Jason is feeling better , too ) . I also managed to get a hair cut , while we were there , and a beard trim - both were getting a little wild and I was tired of it . Linda was happier with the results also , and that 's really the most important thing . Now , it also has to be understood that only I got a hair cut , and not Jason . He is still working on growing his hair longer , and I do believe he wants to get the hair long enough to put it into a ponytail . We did have some good news , and that is that Gary Sinise is back on television , working with the Criminal Minds folks . The episode that was on tonight , at 21 : 00 ( 9 pm ) had both Gary Sinise and Joe Montegna , two actors we are happy to identify as friends , and we know that they are good friends of each other . The show was excellent and I look forward to seeing more with the two of them . Tomorrow we will be going up to Camp Pendelton to attend a funeral for a friend of Jason , Artim Lazukin , a fellow Marine , who took his own life . He is one of those statistics that I hope our government is going to do something about . Every day 22 wounded service members kill themselves . Not all these wounds are visible , and are frequently related to PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder ) . In this case , though , he was a double amputee , as well as TBI ( traumatic brain injury ) . We , as a country and society , ask these people to go fight for us , but then don 't do enough to help them when they come home afterward . We need to do more , much more . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive It is Tuesday , and the last full day of Spring Break , for the girls to be with us . We decided to go to the zoo , and spend a few hours there , and just have a nice time - which we did . I got up pretty early , so that I could get a short ride in , and managed a 14 mile ride in just over an hour . I had hoped to go farther but traffic lights were not cooperating with me , and then there was the train . Anyway , I knew I only had about an hour and decided to cut it short and still made it back in a reasonable time . The zoo was packed when we arrived , and since we 're members it is much easier to just walk to the entry turn styles , and the girls wanted to get up on the tour bus . Getting on to the bus didn 't take too long , and the ride seemed a bit slower than the previous rides we 've been on . I guess with the slower ride it gave the driver / guide more time to provide more information , and we learned a few more things about the zoo , we hadn 't known before . Linda was in charge of the camera , for the most part . I took 2 or 3 pictures and she took 20 or 30 ( maybe more ) . We had lunch at the zoo and even went on the sky ride ( a round trip ) across the zoo . The girls were very excited and had a great time , and by about 13 : 00 ( 1 pm ) they were worn out . The day was over for them and we decided to head on back home . We thought about possibly coming back to the zoo , a little later tonight , but that didn 't happen . Over all , it was a wonderful visit , and the parking lot , that was getting full when we arrived , was completely full when we left . Tonight was also Taco Tuesday , and the girls reminded us of that several times . It was great watching them in the front room , playing . Stacy and Jackie decided it was time to have an egg carrying race , and they came up with the rules all on their own . We simply got a chance to watch . Stacy won most of the races , but not all of them , and I think that it might have surprised her a little that her little sister is beginning to catch up to her in some areas of ability . Linda did an awesome job on the tacos , again , and we all enjoyed the evening . Jason spent most of the day resting , though he did take off to take care of some " banking " issues . He actually left before we did , and returned just a short while before we did . He seemed pretty well tuckered out when we got home , so I was quite happy to let him rest . Tomorrow the girls leave for their five - day stay with their mother , and the house is going to seem very empty again . We have busy lives and the time will go by quickly , then they 'll be back again . Below are some pictures from our most recent visit to Jason 's new house and our trip to the zoo . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A very nice day for us today , as we all got up a little on the early side and decided to head up to take a look at the new house . First though , we needed to get some breakfast , and Joe and Jess ( Linda 's folks ) wanted to take us all to breakfast at the local waffle house . It provided a chance to just sit and relax , and have some good conversation before the drive up - we were taking two vehicles - and after the stop at Jason 's new house , they were heading on home , back to Lake Forest . The progress on the house looks great and they are now working on the roof as well as the electrical . I am still very hopeful that the house will be ready before the end of August , and we can get all moved in before the start of the new school year . Jason has already begun the process of looking for a school in the Fallbrook area , and the school where the girls are currently going already know they will not be coming back next year . Therefore , timing is very important on the progress of the house . Linda fixed some lunch and the girls laid down for a nap and we took care of a few things around the house . Joselyn came in and was working with Jason when Linda and I decided to go lay down for a little while - a much needed nap . I got up first and went down stairs , and Linda came down a little later . I made sure the girls were up , as I want them to enjoy the rest of the day , and besides they were already stirring when I checked on them . I fixed a bunch of left overs and we had some great family time through the evening . It got to be bed - time and the girls decided they wanted to do something a little different . It was totally their decision and Stacy came over and jumped up on my lap and said she was going to read a book to me . I was very happy , and proud for this to happen , and I think Stacy was very proud that she is getting so much better at reading now . Jackie then decided that she wanted to also read a story to me , and when Stacy was done , Jackie jumped up . Jackie wasn 't able to read the story as well as Stacy , but she did know it and I helped her along the way . We still had a great time and then the girls were ready for bed . Tomorrow we 'll be heading over to the zoo , and spend a few hours there , in the morning . Jason said he has an appointment , so he won 't be joining us , and that 's okay , he 'll be able to take them again in a few days , if they want to go . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up a little after 07 : 00 this morning and found Joe and Jess ( Linda 's parents ) down stairs having a nice conversation . Jess asked me if I could make her a cup of coffee ( Linda received one of those new style coffee makers from Jason , so we don 't have a regular coffee maker . I 've learned how to use it , even though I don 't drink coffee . Every now and then the knowledge comes in handy . ) so I did . We were still deciding on which church service to go to , so we either had to get moving quickly , or we had a little extra time to get ready . We ended up with a little extra time . . . Actually we thought the first service was at 08 : 30 and later found out it was at 08 : 00 . We would have been horribly late , rather than a little early , as we were . The pews were all full , AND there were extra chairs set up on the side isles . I understand the first service was almost full , as was the third , and the second service , the one we went to , was packed . I hadn 't seen that many people in the church before , though we have only been going to that church for a couple of years . Made me feel pretty good that the pastor still made a point to come say hello and meet Joe and Jess . We got back to the house and had a late breakfast of French Toast ( Linda cooked - and it was great - I think I ate too much ) , and then I did a quick clean up of the kitchen . After that we all just sat around the kitchen table and had a wonderful family conversation . Joe and Jess had brought along a photo album with them , from Joe 's family , so Linda was really loving the pictures and the discussion . She learned a few things ( I learned a bunch ) and it was one of those family times that really makes you glad that you have a great family . Jason came out about 16 : 00 ( 4 pm ) to begin working on dinner . He had decided that he wanted to make one of his wonderful soups ( almost a stew ) so we just basically cleared out the kitchen and let him take over . I helped a little , and the rest was all him . About 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30 pm ) , the girls came back to the house , and that meant there was going to be an Easter Egg hunt . Jess and I had hidden most of the eggs in the backyard , about the same time Jason began working on the soup . First things first , though - the girls got to check out their baskets , inside the house first . This went on for about 20 minutes , then they were ready to go to the backyard and look for all the " other " eggs . Stacy found most of them , though Jackie did a respectable collection of her own . Shortly after this dinner was ready and the soup was excellent . Each of us had at least two bowls and there was still some left , when we were done . The only thing left to do was to get the girls down and then the rest of the household down for the night . They asked me to tell them a story tonight , instead of reading , so I made up a story about the Easter Bunny , and how he came to be . It was a simply story , and they liked it , so I was quite happy with the out come . Tomorrow we 'll be going up to the house , in the morning and from there Joe and Jess will be heading on back up to their place , as we come back down to here . I suspect that it is going to be another fun day , for all of us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A nice day and a day for a personal best on my bike . I rode out to Santee this morning , and that was by way of Mission Gorge . Getting up over that hill was a little more difficult than I thought it was going to be , yet I was still able to get it done . I did ask Jason to come pick me up because of the time . I was afraid that it would take me another two hours to get back up over the hill again , for the return trip , and there were too many things to still be done . . . though , I am getting ahead of myself . I woke up at 06 : 15 this morning and decided that a bike ride was in order . The girls had not come up yet , so I just went and brushed my teeth , and cleaned up a little , then got dressed for a bike ride . As I was heading down stairs both of them came up and I asked them to go in and just lay down with Grandma ( Linda ) , and I thought that was all I needed to do . Jackie had different ideas and wanted to not only lay down with Grandma , she also wanted to play and discuss anything and everything . Linda didn 't get to stay in bed for very long , and so before I was able to get out of the house , Linda was up and began getting breakfast for the girls . My ride was only 22 miles , and that was because I only went the one way . If I 'd completed a round trip I would have gone over 40 miles today . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed and I just had to make dinner for the family . Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , did come down to spend a couple of days with us , and the girls went over to their mom 's place for a one - day stay , because of Easter . I made spaghetti , and made a couple of alterations from my usual , and one of those changes was a spicier ( hotter ) sauce . It wasn 't too spicy just a little bit of a zing , and since the girls were not having dinner with us , it seemed like a good time for a change . Everyone liked it , and there wasn 't much left once we were done eating . We 'll all be going to Easter services tomorrow and then seeing where the day takes us . The girls will be coming back to the house at about 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30 pm ) , so we 'll have an Easter Egg Hunt after they get back to the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a much more relaxed kind of day , though still plenty busy . We didn 't have to get up to take the girls to school , so instead they came up to get us out of bed . They were up to our room at just before 07 : 00 , and it was Jackie first , this time ( Stacy came up a couple of minutes later ) . It was fun and we did manage to lay around for a short while then I announced I was going down to make some pancakes and eggs for breakfast . This announcement was well received and in just a few seconds the girls were following me down . Of course this left Linda up in bed and she decided to take advantage of the opportunity and got a little more sleep ( I don 't think she got more than an hour - but still it was nice for her ) . Shortly after breakfast , which , by - the - way , was quite good , I took care of some things and then the girls and I were off to the park , to ride their bikes . Well , first we went to the school , where they could ride in the parking lot - always nice when no one else is around - and then over to the park . They were having a great time when this other woman showed up , along with her daycare , all around Jackie 's age . This made Stacy the oldest , but that was okay with her . They all played very well and we ended up staying there for about an hour . I think they would have stayed longer but we 'd been out for close to two hours at this time and I wanted to get them back to the house for lunch and besides I was getting a little hungry , too . Lunch was simple , just soup and sandwich , and then the girls went down for a nap . Joselyn had arrived a short while after they went down for a nap and she and Linda got to talking about flowers ( Linda likes fresh flowers in the house ) . With this they asked if I 'd mind if they went to get some flowers at a local wholesale distributor and I said to go ahead and go . Of course now this gave me an opportunity to just kick back and relax , and like any good male - I fell asleep on the couch . They were only gone for an hour and brought back some very nice flowers , so we all got what we wanted . : - ) The evening was right in - line with the rest of the day and we had a good evening . I fixed some chicken and rice and Linda fixed the vegetables . It was a nice balanced meal and the girls always enjoy the chicken . Linda gave the girls their bath while I helped Jason with his and shortly , the girls were in bed and we were finishing the clean up in the kitchen . Tomorrow , Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , will be coming for a nice visit and staying through Easter . Speaking of Easter , I almost forgot - The girls colored some eggs today with Grandma , and had a great time . My involvement was boiling the eggs and making the coloring solutions for the eggs . They enjoyed it , but wanted to do more eggs , so we said next year I would boil more ( they only got 10 today - the rest will be plastic ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We started out by sleeping in - neither Linda or myself got up before 07 : 00 this morning , and that is really sleeping in for us . I wasn 't going to go for a bike ride but then Linda said she was going to do some of her exercises and I figured I 'd better go for the ride - I need to keep up with her . For those that don 't know , she is looking great ! She has been exercising and eating healthy and . . . looking great ! I got out before 07 : 30 and decided I didn 't " need " much of a breakfast , and that was a mistake . I ate a banana and was on the road . At one point I was peddling on a relatively flat area and able to maintain a consistent 21 mph or higher pace , for about half a mile I was hitting 25 mph . I did this for just a little over a mile and then slowed down . I didn 't know there was a group of younger guys riding behind me ( four of them I think ) , and when I dropped down to about 17 mph they all passed me . I felt like I had put in a good day right there , but still had a few more miles to go . My total ride was just a little over 15 miles - and I 'm not riding tomorrow , I want to give my legs a little recovery time . After getting back to the house and cooling down Linda and I went to Costco , with Jason . We picked up a few things and then headed back to the house . It was a pretty fast trip to Costco because we needed to pick up the girls from school . We don 't normally pick up the girls on Thursdays , but needed to today , and so when we got home Linda went immediately to the school while I put the groceries away - then I followed her . The girls were all very excited for a couple of reasons , as Easter is one of their favorite holidays and it also meant they were going on Spring break / vacation . Once we got the girls home Linda made them a quick lunch and then they went to go lay down and nap . We were headed to the church tonight for Maundy Thursday , and the girls were excited about going . The next thing we needed to prepare for was for the memorial service the skeet club wanted to do for Artim Lazukin , a friend of Jason and fellow Marine , who recently died . We needed to be there a 15 : 45 ( 3 : 45 pm ) , or as close as possible . We left the house at just about the time I wanted and hit a little more traffic than I thought . We still managed to arrive before 16 : 00 ( 4 pm ) and the services were very nice . It was on Camp Pendleton with the Chaplin from the Wounded Warrior Battalion helping out . There was also a ceremonial shoot in Artim 's honor , and it was nice , but it also took longer than I thought it was going to and that made me late for Maundy Thursday . Linda took the girls and I came in late , but still in time for most of it . We came back to the house and managed to get Jason some food and Linda managed to get the girls to bed . The Maundy services were very nice and the girls had a great time with the Children 's time that was put together for all the kids . It also managed to get all the kids excited and wanting to tell us all about Moses and Jesus and how Passover and Easter came to be . Still the girls were ready to go to bed and Linda managed to get them slowed down while she read them a story . This all took place while I worked with Jason and he got his shower in and a dressing change . Tomorrow shouldn 't be quite as busy , though we still have plenty to do . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started out a little on the kookier side - as you might expect with it being April Fools ' Day . About every 5 seconds one of the girls would attempt their best joke , and of course Grandma and Grandpa had to play along . After about a dozen of these they started to get a little worn , from my perspective , but it did make the girls happy so we continued . Finally I said they had to eat their breakfast , or they might be late for school , and it helped . We walked the girls to school and came back to the house to begin a little bit of a clean up and also to help Jason get ready for his appointments . Actually he was headed over to Balboa to visit the folks in the PT area and then later , about 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) he had an appointment to see the dentist at the VA . The only thing I wanted to do was to get in a bike ride , and so at about 09 : 00 I took off on my bike . It was a nice ride and I put in just a little over 24 miles , and it felt pretty good . I had a good workout and as I was cooling down Jason asked me to go with him to the dentist , because he didn 't know if they were going to be doing anything more than a cleaning . Linda stayed back to work on cleaning some things up around the house and also to do some prep work for Easter . When we did get back to the house Jason let us know that the girls would be coming back to us on Thursday , rather than Friday , so that meant a few changes in our plans . Linda and I had to head over to Target to pick up a few things , and perhaps that was a good thing , since Target was looking like it had been shopped over pretty well already . Fortunately Linda already had most of the needed items , and this was just a few other things to complete the picture . Jason said he had , had a busy day and therefore he took an early shower and dressing change , and Linda and I decided to just kick back to relax and watch a dvd . This has been a good and fun day , and like so many , it had some surprises . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

I visited the Lakin Industrial Home for Colored Boys on April 12 , 2003 . Since there are so many stories , I have the photos on a separate page . Click here to view them . The Lakin Industrial Home for Colored Boys was built in 1924 in Lakin , West Virginia . Several state funded institutions for African Americans were built during this time , largely due to the efforts of three African American legislators : T . G . Nutter , Harry Capehart , and T . J . Coleman . This industrial school had all African American staffs and inmates . The inmates worked at the surrounding farm that surrounded the building until it closed in 1956 . After it closed , the land was owned by the West Virginia Department on Health and Human Services until they sold the property to the West Virginia Department of Agriculture in 1976 . In 2006 , the land was purchased by American Electric Power ( AEP ) and the building was demolished . When I first heard about the Lakin Industrial Home for Colored Boys , I was under the impression that it was an old psychiatric hospital . Many stories and urban legends surrounded the old building . However , the old Lakin Hospital for the Insane was actually located across the road , on the site of the present Lakin Nursing Home . Only a few of the remaining hospital buildings remain . However , since most people believe the industrial home was actually the hospital , I will share the stories on this page . The Lakin Industrial Home for Colored Boys is one of the area 's most well known haunted locations . I have talked to several people who have experienced strange things while exploring the old building . Nate , a website visitor , told me that one of the well known ghost stories is about an inmate pushing a nurse down the steps that go to the basement for no apparent reason . The nurse was found dead at the bottom of the stairs . I guess they blamed the patient 's actions on his disorder . At one time Lakin State Hospital was considered the ' lobotomy capital of the east ' . In the days following the creation of the procedure , it was regarded as the premier treatment for nearly all forms of mental illness . The doctors at Lakin Hospital became renowned for the speed and ease with which they performed the procedure , and patients from states across the country were sent there to be treated . At one time they logged nearly four hundred in a single day , and often these procedures would be done without the benifit of even the crudest anesethtic , with the patient simply bound to the table . Now , I usually just dismiss these stories as urban legend only . However , in March 2006 I read a book called The Lobotomist by Jack El - Hai , and I discovered that maybe there is a tiny bit of historical fact in this story ! The book is about the life of Doctor Walter Freeman , the most well known lobotomist . He helped pioneer the surgery in America , and he traveled across the country to perform lobotomies at mental institutions ( for more information about the procedure , please visit lobotomy . info ) . The book was very interesting , and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about lobotomies and the doctor who made them infamous . But on to Lakin Hospital . . . " Freeman devoted an intensity and energy to his mission in West Virginia that surpassed nowhere else . Over the next four years he frequently visited the state , with the result that its per capita rate of lobotomy was the highest in the nation . In 1950 Freeman operated on additional patients at West Virginia hospitals in Huntington , Lakin , and Spencer . " " At the hospital in Lakin , a segregated institution for African Americans , Freeman was pleased when he returned " a week or so after operating upon twenty very dangerous Negroes and found fifteen of them sitting under trees with only one guard in sight . It was the first time that they had been out of the seclusion rooms for anywhere from six months to seven years . " The Lakin superintendent soon discharged half of this group from the hospital . " Lobotomies were very crude operations , and many of the patients never fully recovered . Since it was such a horrible surgery that many patients didn 't want to have , perhaps the hospital is haunted by their ghosts . You never know ! So , before we even get to the building we 're driving up towards it . . . and I saw this weird flash of something run by the car , so I said " What is that ? ! " now that wasn 't that scary . . . could 've been an animal , when Jesse said " What ? ! " like he was scared I said " Nothing , just that building . . . what building is that ? " because we had just drove by one of the Lakin buildings . So when we park behind Lakin , Jesse says to be quiet , he heard some people talking , so I shutup real quicklike , and then we both heard really loud footsteps , we were pretty startled , so we locked the doors and leaned back in our chairs for a minute . . . nothing . That made it a little scarier that we both heard the footsteps but saw nothing . So we got out and walked around for a minute , as soon as we got out Jesse goes " Do you have the shotgun ? " in an overly loud voice , because we thought there were people there and we wanted to scare them off , I replied " Yep , got it right here , " then I said , " Did you lock the car ? " outloud , and a little too loud , he said " Yeah , " then proceeded to whisper to me " No , I want to be able to jump into that car as fast as possible just in case . " Okay . . . so that was the end of us being outside of Lakin , then we walked in . . . first walking around front and checking the area thuroughly with a flashlight to make sure no one was there , then we went around back and entered . First , he shows me around , its pretty routine , nothing exciting or scary . . . except that we were in an old abandoned insane asylum , in the dead of the night and we 'd already thought we heard " people . " So we walked into this pretty large room , and as we approached the center of the room we both heard something and looked at each other in a state of horror , we exchanged glances - we had both lost our breath it was so terrifying . I heard Jesse breathing deeply , inhaling then exhaling , then I heard myself do the same , and I realized we both were extremely fucking scared . The sound was from above , we were on the first floor of three , and I looked up as I heard the most horrifying sound I 'd ever heard , mainly because of where we were when it happened : a deep growling sound , at first , that I thought sounded like a dog growling , then it started to sound like a handsaw sawing back and forth , not through wood though , it sounded like something more soft being sawed into . Jesse said he heard more of a really deep painful moaning . We both thought about turning back then . . . but we didn 't . There was a autopsy table upstairs on the top floor , around the back of the asylum , a large window was behind it - it looked like a very shallow bathtub , there were red stains around the drain at the end of the table , blood would go into this drain during autopsies . . . that doesn 't necessarily mean it was a blood stain , water damage can make that same color . There were other moments where I could 've sworn we were being followed , and it felt like someone was behind me . Jesse had the flashlight the whole time , and I was behind him . . . this made it really scary for me , being left behind in the dark every now and then . . . but Jesse 's job was pretty fucking frightening too . He was the one who had to go around corners and shine the light into the dark , and you never know what you might see in an abandoned insane asylum . We then went to the basement , you have to walk outside to access the stairs to the basement , around back and to the left . Boldly at the bottom of the stairs it says in red spray paint " Keep out . That means you . " We went down anyways . . . mattresses and carpet all over the place , and a cushioned chair as soon as you walk into the door to your left . . . nothing extremely scary down there . . . there were two rooms , as far as we could tell , seperated by a large metal - link door . We were done with the Asylum itself , we then headed to the garage area , nothing out of the ordinary there . The office building and post office . . . both had files and paper strewn all around . . . the smell of stale wood and mildew filled the air . Blood stains on the wall where someone killed themselves back in the 80 's at the top of the office . . . no inhuman sounds or extremely frightening instances in these three buildings . We couldn 't get into the farm building , it was locked up real nice and tight , Jesse tried to kick down a door , but that didn 't work , it was a heavy metal door , that wasn 't going to happen . We then headed to the hospital director 's home . . . also abandoned . This place was really scary , it too smelled like stale wood and mildew , and didn 't look very structurally stable anymore . We looked around the first floor . . . nothing too scary . This place was alot worse than the other buildings though , it just felt more ominous . Then we approached the stairs , I said " Are we going up there ? " - I didn 't feel comfortable walking up those stairs they didn 't look very stable at all , we made it up them alright though . . . then came the scariest shit yet . . . I don 't know why Jesse didn 't run out of there right then . Jesse walked into a bathroom upstairs . . . and then looked at me in horror and said " Did you hear that ? " I hadn 't heard anything . . . then we continued throughout the upstairs , looked in a mirror together , just making funny faces into it . . . goofing around . Then I felt a cold chill and was like a little creeped out . Then we started to leave , Jesse began to go down the stairs , with a little haste - understandably , that sound he heard was fucking scary . So , he has the flashlight and he starts to walk down the stairs without me . . I said " Jesse wait up man , please slow up . " - - then I heard it : a deep exhale behind me , I turned around and saw nothing but blackness , I turned forward again , and saw nothing but blackness , then I said " Jesse ! Stop ! PLEASE STOP ! " And then quickly went down the stairs and told him I heard it too . We proceeded to leave the building quickly , and walked back over to the main building and got into the car . We then did a donut in the grass and left . Pulling up to where Lakin is silhouetted against a clear sky is one of the creepiest things I have ever seen . There are several buildings there but we went to the largest , main building . All the windows are broken out and plants were growing up over it , not to mention it was really dark , really quiet , and the place is pretty big . We pulled down the paved road by the security building and a street light went out , convincing my friend Sloan that it was a sign we should leave . We parked behind the main building , rolled the windows down , and turned the car off to listen to see if we were the only ones there . Sloan refused to enter the building and I don 't blame her . We shone the flashlights into all the windows and listened but didn 't hear anything . She said it was bad karma and that she wasn 't getting a foot closer to that place . Everyone else still really wanted to go in but didn 't want to leave her out in the car so I proposed we drive off the grounds and sit so Sloan would calm down . Sloan said she didn 't believe in ghosts though , just the bad energy . We drove around to the front of the house and off the grounds to a gas station to sit . After Sloan said she really wouldn 't mind if we went in and looked around , I turned the car around and we headed back . The second time we got there , we went around the other side of the building and around the back . Heather , Josh , and I all got out of the car and began to walk in . We walked around on the first floor some then headed up the stairs . When we got to the top , the doorway entered into a long hallway . Josh told us to stop . He said that that was the exact place in a dream he had and that on the right when he went through the doorway , and old woman was standing there and said " Look what you 've done , You 've woken me up . " I was sure at the time that he was just messing with us , but what happened after that made me a believer . We walked to the right because the hallway was shorter that way . There were just some rooms and sinks and graffiti , then when we got back to that doorway , we heard a squeek and flapping . A bat was moving around and obviously it freaked us out . Well , we headed down the other way all the way to the end where a door had fallen and there was a busted up bathroom . Nothing too seriously scary . We got into the stairwell on the other side of the hallway and went up to the third floor where the rusted autopsy table was . We walked through a huge room where the ceiling was collapsing and to the other side ; nothing special . Then , we went back down to the first floor . We weren 't really scared because nothing had really happened except for a bat screeching . We walkedIn July 2005 , I received an e - mail from Charles about his trip to the Lakin Industrial Home for Colored Boys : My name is Charles and I went to Lakin Hospital last night for the first time . It was me and four friends , and I am not the kind of guy who scares very easily . When we pulled up in the car everyone was kind of jumpy , and when we got out we shined our lights at the house and saw someone in the window . This made my friends not want to go in so I took charge and went in first with my video camera . It turned out the figure in the window was a bit of graffiti on the wall . As we walked through the house , we heard several noises that startled a few people . I love to be scared , but I also believe there is an explanation for everything so I went towards all of the noises to find out what they were . That is when a bat almost hit my camera , lol . But we went on up to the 3rd floor and turned all of our lights out , then we heard the same noise that Jesse was describing on the main page . It did sound like a growling dog or something like that . But I figured out later on in the night , by following the noise , that it was a water filtration device that was in the lake behind the post office . We also heard some noises that I can 't describe because you can 't hear my voice on an e - mail , but they turned out to be pigeons in the attic . So we went through all of the buildings and didn 't see a thing , or even hear anything that couldn 't be explained for sure . The only thing that we couldn 't figure out was the drop in temperature on the left - back side of the house . In one room that we entered it was about 10 degrees cooler that any other part of the house and I do believe it was in the kitchen , but I might be wrong . To tell you the truth , the only thing that creeped me out the entire night was all of the goddamn bugs . When we were driving back home my friend felt something on her hand so she turned on the dome light and there was a tick on her . So we all jumped out of the car and started stripping in the middle of the street . I was covered in ticks , haha , my worst fear . Well , I just thought I would tell you my little story , please get bacIn August 2005 I received the following story / information from Tara F . , a website visitor : Myself and another friend traveled to Lakin State Hospital some fifteen years ago and found a truly bizarre sight . It was nothing like what I saw in your pictures . None of the graffiti was there , the room on the main floor just to the left was completely full of medical records , exam rooms still had a goodly deal of instruments still left in the mirrored cabinets that were still hung on the walls . The third floor was still set up with the frames of the cots and there were a couple of pairs of small mismatched shoes thrown over in the corner . The most bizarre part was when we decided to go into the basement . As we first entered the basement there was a steel cage with a padlock that was full to the brim with very old shoes . Most of the pairs of shoes belonged to younger females . As we went over to where the cafeteria tables were still set up , there was a portable bulletin board that had been hand painted . On the left side were stick figures that were clearly boozed and drugged up and on the right side were figures that were happy go lucky with flowers and balloons in hand . Over the picture on the left side was the phrase " Before Lobotomy " and the right read " After Lobotomy . " As I said , the office on the ground floor was full of records that we spent almost an hour reading with numerous tales of abortions and lobotomies perfomed on site . I should also mention that the sinks that were in the exam rooms near the office were long trough like sinks that had neck rests on one end and stirrups used in gynecological exams on the other end . Which was proof positive that the procedures must have been performed on sight . In addition to that , numerous records for billing purposes on the medical equipment and supplies were all over the place . I felt - as I do in most places with this kind of a history - this overwhelming urge that a million voices were trying to tell me to stay and investigate and tell their stories . I am so sorry that my friend was not more responsive or respectful of the place . As I think that I was supposed to stay for a while to at least try to hear what they were telling me . The thoughts and feelings of that day have stayed with me and I feel today , as I write this to you , the same as I did then ; female souls are there and want so badly for people to know the atrocities that were performed there totally against their will . I can also tell you that most likely I will have my reoccuring dream of this place tonight , as I always do when I think about it this long . It isn 't a horrible dream , just one of trying to get away and being brought back time and time again . I hope this sheds some insight into your adventure there . Some of my friends and I went to the hospital Friday . Of course , some weird things happened . One of my other friends , who had been there about 4 or 5 times , told us to wear crosses . So we did , but one of my friends didn 't because he thought nothing would happen . Boy he was wrong ! He tried to go up to the attic but something wouldn 't let him . It was holding him there . Then he decided to get down , and as soon he started going down it pushed him down . We took a picture of it , and it looks like a man was pushing him . We were walking around . All of us had flashlights - it was just the 4 of us until 4 other people came . But anyway , we went into the hospital , it was about 8 or 9 o ' clock , and my flashlight went out . We couldn 't get it back on . So my cousin 's boyfriend gave me his . In about 5 to 10 minutes , the flashlight that he gave me went out . Then when the other 4 people showed up , we were walking around and one of them had a digital camera . She said she charged it all the way up and about 10 minutes later the batteries went dead . Is that weird or what ? ! I was a VISTA Volunteer ( Domestic Peace Corps ) assigned to Lakin State Hospital in June 1965 . Never heard of all the " ghost " stories , but it was a working hospital at the time . I do recall the nurses telling the horror stories of the lobotomies that had been performed years before . They told of one German doctor who performed so many of them . He would pull back on those " picks " , blood would spurt out , and he would say , " Well , this one 's a goner " and walk away . I remember one patient , who supposedly was once a pro ball player . He had a lobotomy years before , and all he did was stand in the hallway all day swaying from side to side . He was blinded from the procedure and all you could see were the whites of his eyes . I haven 't been back to that area since I left in 1966 , but am planning on a West Virginia trip this June . I didn 't even know the hospital was closed until I pulled up your web site . I will say , when I worked there , the hospital staff were some of the finest people I had ever had the pleasure to meet . I was driving down Route 62 , patiently looking for the hospital , but I had no idea where I would even find it . After miles of driving , finally it popped up in the distance and instantly I knew I was there . I pulled around the back by the " Lakin State Farm " building . I was a little freaked out being there alone , but it went away , so I walked up towards the main building . After scoping out the area , I went inside . I just kept snapping pictures , keeping my 4 - cell maglite firmly in hand . The sun was setting , so all of the rooms on that side were really bright . I finally made my way into the cafeteria area when I heard the sound . I 'd seen birds flying out of the windows , and I was aware of the sounds that birds make . This was nothing like their sound . It sounded like a gutteral moan that turned into a muffled scream . It was either on the 2nd or 3rd floors , but it was RIGHT above me . I stood in my tracks , figuring that if I heard footsteps , I would quickly leave . No footsteps followed , so I went back through the hall and took about 20 more pictures . I heard the noises again , so I went outside again . I figured I 'd driven 2 hours , so I couldn 't chicken out . I got about 20 outside shots before I decided I 'd take off . As I was walking back around the rear side to make the trip across the field and back to my car , I heard what sounded like some whispering voices in that upstairs window . I saw nothing , but I know I heard voices . I felt like something was watching me walk back across the field to my car , so I looked up toward that nearly ivy - covered window , and I saw a flickering light in that same window . I grabbed my videocamera as quickly as I could and turned it on . I caught the end of the flickering , but I 'd missed the wildest part . I just had the feeling that something had seen me come in , heard me downstairs , did it 's best to drive me out of there , and felt good that it had succeeded . I found something in one of the pictures - it 's in the day photos section of the Lakin School in West Virginia . The photo is called " Looking at the upper floors . " If you look at the top , in the far right window , there is a woman in a blue dress standing with her arm held out from the elbow . I 've cropped and enlarged it so you can see it better . I was wanting to let you know there is one thing that you don 't know about . Lakin was cursed ever since one of the doctors did a lobotomy . It was a mad house , and there would be nights that I would go into the basement and I would always find a tortured soul of someone who was supposed to be dead , but was not . I used to be a patient in Lakin State Hospital . We visited the school in February 2006 . We took photos and had some experiences . My daughter saw a little boy in one of the top windows , in the daytime . That night we all had different experiences : we heard a man and women talking , then we heard doves . We did check to see if there was any sign of birds , and there was none . My sister heard noises in the basement of the building , in the back . We also checked out the doctor 's house and it was spooky by itself . I really hate they tore it down , because we would have liked to have visited it again . Around October 2006 my sister , my boyfriend , and I went to Lakin State Hospital . I had been there once , but the person I went in there with freaked out so we left in about 10 minutes . My boyfriend did not believe in ghosts , so I thought I 'd prove that there was something there . Just by driving into the driveway of the hospital I sensed spiritual activity . At age 11 I became very hypersensitive to spirits and had alot of interest . We arrived there just before it turned dark so we could go through the other buildings before entering the hospital . We got really cold , so before we went in , we went to the car to grab some sweatshirts . As we were about to get back out of the car , we heard footsteps and voices ; we were all spooked so we sat there for 5 minutes with the door locked . As we were walking towards the entrance we all felt something horrible . It felt like something knew we were there . We finally walked in , and right when we did , we all had this feeling of depression . . . it felt like people were trapped and it was really sad , and then we also felt an angered spirit . This spirit did not want us there . We went down the hall to the right and had the feeling someone was behind us , like almost on top of us . We freaked so we quickly walked back down . We walked towards the cafeteria , and just like mentioned in other experiences , we heard a loud painful moan . We didn 't know what to do so we went to exit . Right before we walked out , there was something beside my boyfriend and it said , " Get out now ! " Clear as day , very loudly . We ran out to the car , and I turned to look at the building one last time . There was someone standing in the first window at the top floor , to your left . For a week or two afterwards there was a feeling . . . my boyfriend and I even glimpses of a dark figure . I have a feeling still today that there are souls trapped that were tortured , but something or someone is keeping them hostage . I feel sorry and terrible , like there is something I need to do . By any chance did anybody see a big pile of clothing in In February 2008 I received the following e - mail from Ashley : About a month ago , my partner and I decided to go to the site of the Lakin Hospital . I had come across it on the internet , and almost immediately after seeing it , I was drawn to it . It was very unsual . So we decided to make the eight hour trip from Baltimore to Lakin . When we arrived it was almost 4 AM and we couldn 't really see anything except for the new hospital . We were driving down a road passing the hospital when I pussed out . I asked Krys to pull into the delivery parking lot for the new hospital . I saw something shoot across the road and I flipped out . While we were sitting in the parking lot , I asked her to turn off the car because we weren 't really supposed to be there and I didn 't want to get caught . So we sat there , freezing and scared shitless . I really wanted to wait until dawn to scope out the area so we could see better . While we were sitting in the lot , we both heard male voices literally screaming bloody murder across the field . Then we started hearing females screaming in agony . I actually started crying . I was seeing flashes of images and it was freaking me out . I finally calmed down and was able to fall asleep . I was so tired and had to drive back home . I think I 'd been asleep for like 20 minutes when I had been awakened by the screaming again . Finally the sun started to come up and I woke Krystal up so we could continue before we left . I have to say that I think they made a HUGE mistake demolishing that building . Whatever they decide to put on that land , the spirits will wreak havoc on it . I really don 't understand how people can live back there and not be freaked out . The building may be gone , but the spirits are still very much around that site . I think in the year 2002 or 2003 I went to Lakin with groups of people . I have video tape to prove to you . I saw two colored boys and a man who looked like a doctor . I saw lots of souls on the third floor . I never told anyone about this until a year ago . . . then I told my friend about it . OK , so this place was bought by AEP . If they build on that land in the future , they will be sorry . The new building would have ghosts everywhere because their souls are not at rest . I had a dream about the place : there is a girl wearing a red dress , and she is deaf . The doctor , or someone who worked there , raped and then killed her . They buried her right inside the building that they tore down . She is a white girl , and it seemed like she lived somewhere in Point Pleasant . That is the reason I am looking for this girl , to find out who she was . I live in Ashland , Kentucky which is about an hour away from Point Pleasant , West Virginia . My mother had taken this picture of me and a friend standing in font of the Lakin Hospital . Zoom in to the very top window . Look in the far left corner of the right hand panel ( above the red arrow ) . It was creepy to know that we were being watched this whole time . Out of all my visits and experiences with Lakin , this tops them all . I found some bones on the first floor under some dirt . I snatched a bone fragment before we had to run out of there to avoid being caught . My biology teacher was unable to identify what species it came from . We also explored the old abandoned house next to the hospital . Upon entry , I felt uneasy , sick , and an overwhelming sadness . Since childhood , I was sensitive to the spirit world . We later found out that a lobotomist had lived there and was murdered in that house by one of this former patients . I 've never had a feeling like that , not even in Lakin . When I was standing in the room with a table in the middle and a shallow tub against the wall , I felt an unkind presence . The feeling got stronger as I walked towards the open window . My mother and I explored every floor and room of the hospital , photographing every room , hallway and stairwell . Those that stand out include the first thing that was caught on film . My boyfriend and nephew were the only people in the building at that time , and my boyfriend stated he heard what was a " low growl . " On film , it is the very clear voice of a child proudly proclaiming " I 'm thirteen ! " We have had things fly off the wall from an empty space at us . We have heard what we described as " tinkling music . " We have an EVP of a male voice in a whisper saying slowly " I don 't want to die . " We have ON FILM a form flying straight into the camera . On the still shot behind it is a very clear human form walking through a door . We have heard voices and got numerous orbs , but the best thing that ever happened was on a night when I couldn 't enter the building . I had been inside that building a hundred times . And for some reason , that night the feeling of dread was so intense , I turned away at the doorway and apologized to my crew , stating I just couldn 't enter that night . And I 'm glad I couldn 't . . . We have , ON FILM , a door slamming in front of the four crew members . No one was near the door , and anyone that knows that place knows how old and heavy those doors were . The film crew was focusing on something on the second floor , down at the end of the hallway . The camera kept going out of focus . And then suddenly , the door in front of them to the right slammed shut . When I say slammed , I mean if there had been fingers in that doorway it would have taken them off . Dennis , who is never freaked out by anything , says very calmly , " Folks , I think it 's time to leave . " But the others were already on their way out . The next day , during the day I might add , we went back to test the doors . While standing upstairs , I challenged the spirits saying , " If you are present , slam the same door you slammed last night . " After about a minute of waiting , the same door slammed shut . Needless to say , the two that were with us were outside before I even had a chance to turn around . But Dennis and I investigated . There was no wind blowing , no one else present in the building , and there was no way that door , especially the same door , could slam shut on its own . I LOVED Lakin . It was beautiful . It was historical . While they were tearing it down , we all just sat one night and stared at the rubble . Knowing that the area would never be the same without that building . They were taking history and reducing it to nothingness . And what about the poor souls that were there ? I went there last week in the daytime with my daughter . You cannot even tell it was ever there . The sadness and emptiness I felt was overwhelming . I didn 't sense any spirits anymore . Hopefully they were released to the light . I told my boyfriend that I wished we would have done a cleansing prior to them tearing down the place , to send the lost souls on their way . But it 's like he said , " it was over so fast . We didn 't have the time . " They had said for years they were going to tear it down . We never really believed they would . Do you believe the souls are still there ? I 'd like to think that they are . I felt connected , and it would be great to connect again . We lost the greatest ghost hunting place there ever was when we lost Lakin . Our group disbanded . Thousands of dollars worth of equipment , thousands of places to go , but nothing will ever match that place . I was 16 and in high school . I had always loved the huge building along the river . When we would drive by it in the day , it looked sadly haunted . In the evening , while the sun was setting , you could see the sun sparkle through the bits of broken glass of the windows . It was beautiful and painful . At night I could barely look at it . I 'm naturally a big chicken . I 'm terrified of the dark , but yet I stay up and watch ghost hunting shows with my mother , only to have my eyes dripping with water from fear and my body covered in goose bumps . During my junior year , we were given an assignment of a 10 page paper to complete on anything we wanted . I don 't know why I chose Lakin . I did research on the building and learned that there were buildings : A house for the Chief of the Hospital , a nurse 's dorm , the farm , and several buildings . I went to the hospital and searched for hours for old newspaper articles . I found patients ' names and physicans who were in and out . The famous Dr . Walter J . Freeman and all about his ice - pick methods . I asked questions to anyone who would have the smallest connection to the place . At one point I remember being told that there were a few tunnels from the second basement to the other buildings . I don 't know how true this is , or if it is at all . I was also informed that the remains of patients were buried in the back and unmarked . I have been to the building twice and the land that is left once . My first visit was totally illegal and for my project . I borrowed one of those now old and huge digital cameras from the photography class and went with my then boyfriend . I was already nervous , but insisted we enter the building through the front door right after I snapped a shot of the wire gate on the porch . The iron had the date 1929 worked into it . We entered and the air felt stiff . Almost as if there were many someones hiding . Sounds crazy , but as though they were trying to blend in with the wall . I obviously didn 't see anything , but that is the feeling I had . I snapped some photos and commented on all of the trash and how a walmart bag can be found anywhere . We walked through a few rooms and then back outside . The floor below the main floor - not the basement , was our next entrance . We went around to the side door to enter . The door was stuck and I was okay with that . I felt a little more nervous . The person with me barely grasped the door handle and it opened . At the time I felt stupid , like I was too weak to open the door that was easily opened . Now , I think that maybe something really didn 't want me in there flashing my camera around . As soon as the door was opened , there was a bad sign lying in the floor . A dead bird on the ground and a room filled with mattresses several feet high - ( I remember reading another e - mail that you received about a pile of clothes - it is possible that they were seeing the mattresses ) . We walked by several doors and then came to the stairwell . For some reason I could not look at those stairs . I could not force myself to look . I pointed the camera and clicked the button twice - the first picture turned out perfect , but the second picture appeared very unusual ! I didn 't see a person , no weird orbs in that one , and not mist . The picture just seemed very different from the first . It was almost as though there was a picture and picture frame hanging on the wall , and the picture looked lighter . We walked out the back door and took a few pictures . At one point we were facing the The most recent visit was with my mother . The building had been torn down for a year or so , and she had never even pulled onto the property . So we did , and the foundation was recognizable . We were in the back where the steps would have led down to the basement . They must have filled in what was left of the basement . It still felt weird there . It was a beautiful day with a nice breeze and very warm . There were a few pieces of glass around , and a few broken screws . Mom spotted a couple of bricks and thought it would be cool to have one . So in our backyard herb garden there is a brick half burried in the dirt that is from the Correctional School for Boys / Hospital for the Colored Insane . Since the brick has been in our home , my mother has experienced only one strange occurance . We don 't feel that they could be related , but this one experience has been the only experience she has ever had . A night that I was back at my apartment with my sister and friends , my mother woke up to her door opening and heard footsteps across the room to her side of the bed . She had not opened her eyes , and figured it was one of us . She said " what do you need ? " and then felt a nudge against the side of the bed . We sometimes do that with our knees and then say hey mom . She didn 't get a response , so she opened her eyes and was a little taken back . She remembered that neither of us were home . I have heard of pieces of furniture and a building having an attached spirit . I really hope this is not the case , if so that brick will be back where we found it very quickly ! ! ! As a nurse aid at the age of 16 years old in 1982 , a black male resident told me the story of having to hold the boys down while they had " ice picks put in their eye " lobotomies . He was a sweet , sweet man that told me " No maam , after that pick broke off in that boy 's eye ; I never helped again . " Tears fell down his cheeks . I swear I see a child standing in the doorway of the photo you have labeled " first floor . " I enlarged the area and overlaid next to the original section . I swear it is a child , you can see bare feet , hands , and what appears to be a blurred area where a head would be . It was back in June of 2005 . My friends and I were just 16 years old and decided out of the blue one night to take a drive up there . We live in southern Ohio so the drive was roughly an hour and half drive for us . It was me and five other of my friends . When we got there we explored a bit and generally scared the crap out of ourselves . Two of the girls I was with wouldn 't go inside , so I came back out to check on them . As I was sitting in the car I looked up to the third floor of the building and saw two sets of eyes staring back at us . I alerted the others that we were not alone and one of them braved the trek up the steps . They surveyed the room and saw that no one was there . She came back down and we looked back up the sets of eyes returned . You could feel it in the air - the sadness and sense of despair . I have visited many " haunted " places , as well as attended one the most supposedly haunted to schools in the country ( Ohio University ) . The trip to this place is one of the sadest places I had ever been . I always wanted to go back but by the time I was able to , the place had already been torn down . After seeing these eyes , which I can only assume were children , we left . I only wish I had a camera at the time to capture it . I went there with three of my friends since we just live a short distance away . We were bored and thought why not , let 's go . We pulled around back , grabbed our flashlights , and walked in thinking we wouldn 't even witness anything . It was about the time we reached the 2nd floor that we actually heard something , all four of us knew it , we were pretty much all huddled real close together because we were already creeped out seeing some of the old equipment and that sorta thing . When we got a little further in we walked up the steps and into a hallway and just froze . The hair on our necks and arms stood straight up . About that time we heard whistling plain as it could be , just like it echoed in a long hallway almost as if it were a janitor . It wasn 't any of us , and we knew that other than the four of us the building was vacant . I almost cried , that scared the shit completely out of me . Although I 'm not a skeptic , I wasn 't really expecting anything that particular night at Lakin . After that I was ready to go and not go back like ever . But we proceeded to go to the top floor anyway , and the scariest thing was that it literally felt like someone was breathing down my neck or following right behind me . Then I saw an old operating table or lobotomy table or something , that was scary all in itself . After actually leaving the building I could not shake the fact that it felt just like someone was watching me really close or right on my heels . There 's another building across the way and as we were driving off we all witnessed the same exact thing , there was definitely an apparition of someone or something standing in the front of that building . To this day I will stand behind this story 100 % because every word is true . Although it 's been torn down for AEP uses , I 've never been back or around that place . . . only driving past and even that gives me chills .