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Opening scene - Cohen kitchen, Kirsten is in there and Seth and Ryan come in. the first shot we see is of a fancy looking invite sitting on the bench Kirsten: two weeks Seth: sorry Kirsten: (emphasised) two weeks unbelievable...who would believe it, I don't believe it Seth: ah it's the tourettes flarin up again it happens every now an again but its fine Ryan: (picks up the invite) Julie an Caleb's wedding invitation, getting married in uh- Kirsten: two weeks (Ryan mouths something which I can't work out, sorry) Seth: wow there really doin it, an unfortunate image just leapt in my mind Kirsten: (worked up) I mean I just I-I don't understand what is the rush (Sandy comes in) Sandy: honey it's the gruesome twosome what'do you expect, it's the shock an awe approach to courtship Kirsten: Julie Cooper is getting married to my father an your being flip Sandy: me bein flip about Caleb, no i'm kinda softening on the guy he may not be friendly or ethical or y'know a million laughs Kirsten: but he is? Sandy: generous, boy either that or he is in love an delusional because he threw out a ball park figure for what he's offering Jimmy an me for the restaurant...it aint chump change Kirsten: hm so he's bought your acceptance Sandy: but at a very high price (to Ryan) hey how's Marissa dealin with her new step dad Kirsten: yeah is she-is she alright with all that Ryan: well she'll be in the wedding she agreed ta that so Sandy: an you two are ya ya-ya what are ya back to- Ryan: yeah-yeah we're good actually uh really good Sandy: wow, really good for you is like singin from the tree tops Seth: now that you an Marissa are really good does that mean you an Theresa are really over Ryan: yeah, yeah me an Theresa yeah Seth: well now that we've got your life straightened out I think it might be time ta take a step back Ryan: yeah Seth: an untangle this incestuous web that I like ta call the Julie Caleb union (Ryan smiles) now lets think about this when this bizarro knot gets tied Ryan: ah-huh Seth: (points) Julie Coopers gonna be your mother in-law Sandy: (frowns) oh Seth: yeah, enjoy (to Kirsten) she's gonna be your step-mom Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning Seth: yeah, yeah (Ryan smiles) me and Marissa, we could be related (shakes his head) I don't know I can't even do that math but the real kicker is Julie Cooper, my grandma my grandma wears Uggs (Ryan is amused by it all) think about it (phone rings) Ryan: I am thinkin about it Sandy: (answers the phone) hello (Theresa is on a pay phone) Theresa: hi I-its Theresa, Ryan's friend Sandy: (now in the living room) oh hey there how are ya, let me get him for ya Theresa: uh actually i'm calling for you I-I was wondering if maybe we could meet Sandy: are you alright Theresa: ah-huh um I just have a legal question, can we meet Sandy: sure you name the spot Theresa: I-I picked up some catering shifts at the Balboa bakery, I-I have a break at one if you wanna stop by...an Mr. Cohen one more thing Sandy: yeah Theresa: please don't say anything ta Ryan about any of this Sandy: (thinks) you got it, ill see ya then (Theresa hangs up the phone, she turns around and we see that she has a black left eye) Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Kirsten's office - Kirsten is on the phone and Julie comes in all cheery and energetic Julie: (cheery) hellooo Kirsten: (softly) I need one minute Julie: ah you an me both you have nooo idea how hard it is to plan a spectacular wedding in only two weeks Kirsten: Mr. err Lasser could you repeat that Julie: I have a caterer who's flat out refusing to serve beef, something about a mad cow threatening to wipe out Newport Beach Kirsten: Julie, phone Julie: ironically the minister I wanted is away on his honeymoon, an my wedding planners a passive aggressive nit wit who has the audacity to question my taste in music, Bob Segar is not (makes a 'so called' motion) "so over" Kirsten: (looks at her) I-I i'm gonna have'ta call you back (hangs up) how can I help Julie: ok normally I would never bother you but there is one small thing you can help me with, a shower an by help...I mean host Kirsten: Julie I cant host a shower Julie: I know its last minute but I thought as my maid of honour that you would...want to Kirsten: (shocked) wait...your (sits) maid of honour Julie: well Kiki you're my closest friend, who else would it be Kirsten: well I was thinking Marissa Julie: i'm not exactly Marissa's favourite person right now but Caleb is convinced that he can get her ta help an he's already made all the arrangements ta have it at the club Kirsten: in that case (nods) Julie: your a god send thankyou, oh an one more thing, lets not have one of those tacky girly showers with the lingerie an the games about making whoopy Kirsten: Julie don't say whoopy Julie: I was thinking a couples shower, elegant a cocktail party with gifts, what'do you think, an if you have any other questions just ask Marissa (smiles) thanks (leaves) (Kirsten sits back in her chair and sighs) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Marissa are in the student lounge together. Marissa is on her phone Marissa: a couple's shower (hangs up) Ryan: what is a couple's shower? Marissa: something I am not throwing for my mom, that was a message from Caleb saying that per our arrangement he wants me ta help Kirsten throw a shower for my mom Ryan: what about moving in with them, have you told your dad yet? Marissa: no...but I will, today Ryan: look if you don't wanna throw this shower then don't, stand your ground Marissa: standing my ground is not really my strong suit Ryan: that's true Marissa: ooh pac-man, rematch? hey I almost maybe might beat you this time (laughs) (we pan to Seth sitting on the couch with Summer, he was watching them and his mouth is open, Summer is smiling) Seth: what is it with those two? the pac man and the getting along an the happy times Summer: they're playing video games it's not a Mandy Moore movie (phone rings) Seth: no, she's suppose'ta be crying, an he's suppose'ta be brooding that's how it works Summer: (answers) hello... (happy) hi! yeah we're still on for tonight (gasps) fajitas yeah ok, i'm gonna make the margs...kidding god oh my god I know, oh my god, no you're so funny, no you are, no you (laughs) ok ill see you later, bye dad (hangs up) Seth: (shocked) dad? Summer: yeah Seth: is that how you talk to your dad Summer: how is how I talk to my dad? Seth: like...he's your...friend Summer: (shrugs it off) he is, he's my best friend Seth: why have I never met him, I was beginning to wonder if you even had parents, I thought maybe you were like made in a lab, or hatched in a pod or something Summer: so we haven't done the whole family meet n greet Seth: yeah I know we haven't which is kind of odd ta me considering that you've met my dad, you've met my mom, you met Captain Oats, the list goes on an on Summer: i've jus never introduced a boyfriend to my dad before, its kind of a big deal (raises her eyebrows for emphasis) Seth: mm well your forgettin one key factor here Summer Summer: what Seth: parents love me ok i've got this non threatening non sexual vibe an they just eat that right up, we'll go uh miniature golfing or uh hot tubbing or something fun Summer: well my step moms at Canyon Ranch Seth: ooo dryin out Summer: ah no she's on some stress management program, she has anxiety issues Seth: (nods) so Summer: we can go'ta lunch with my dad Seth: nice, sure you wanna skip the hot tub (Summer looks at him) ok lunch is good, we'll do lunch but your dad's not gonna need a menu cause he's gonna be eating out'a the palm'a my hand (he fake laughs and puts his arm behind her, Summer puts her hand over his mouth and he tries to pull it away. Seth ends up kind of leaning over her) Seth: the palm'a my hand Summer (Summer laughs and they muck around more) CUT TO: The bakery - Theresa is sitting at a table by herself and Sandy goes over to her Sandy: (cheery) hey (sees her eye) oh my god (sits) who did that to ya Theresa: i'm sorry ta call you outta the blue like this Sandy: was it Eddie Theresa: he's ben under alotta stress...he lost his job an his apartment uh...the other night he had a couple drinks an he just...went off Sandy: so you're leavin him I hope Theresa: (sighs) its complicated,. I know it should be simple your boyfriend hits you, you leave him right Sandy: (shakes his head) its never simple, how can I help you Theresa: I jus need to know you know if he does this again what would happen ta him if I press charges Sandy: well it depends you know anything from a restraining order ta jail time (Theresa nods) your not still thinkin about marrying the guy are ya, not if you gotta ask these kinds'a questions (Theresa looks at him, then looks away) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is lying on his bed studying and there is a knock at the door. Summer walks in Seth: hey Summer: so you me my dad lunch tomorrow at the club (sits on the bed) Seth: awesome, by the end of this lunch I predict your father an I smokin Cuban cigars, you know what i'm sayin trading Viagra yuks maybe ill put on a little Dean Martin, I don't know Summer: oh well you know he's not seventy five right Seth: I do know that but male bonding its (stands) very old school activity you know what i'm saying, we may not even make it the whole way through lunch we may jus skip straight over to the Russian baths Summer: ok well...tomorrow jus sit under a light Seth: what? Summer: my dad wants you to sit under a bright light so he can see you better an order steak because he thinks greens are effeminate Seth: celery's gay got it (points) what else you got for me actually I wanna prep I wanna make sure I lock inta some witty anecdotes, I wanna bring my A material Summer: (nods) ok he's a plastic surgeon Seth: yeah no I know what he does for a living an that's fun an we can have fun with that but lets also talk about things like hobby's an what you guys talk about, what'do you talk about Summer: (thinks) hmm mostly we talk about me Seth: you Summer: yeah you know it's like our common interest (Seth looks at her) well you wanted'ta meet him Seth: I do, I do I just was kinda hopin for some (Summer stands) you know what I mean Summer: look...my dad really loves me, an I really like you so he's gonna really like you (nods) right Seth: (nods) yeah, yeah Summer: (unsure) yeah (Seth keeps nodding) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Jimmy and Hailey are making out on the couch. it's very heavy. Hailey is lying on the couch with her leg down on the floor, Jimmy is kind of leaning over her with his leg near hers. he kisses her neck and pulls her strap down off her shoulder. she's in her undershirt Jimmy: oooh we should go to the bedroom Hailey: (smiles) yeah (sits up & looks at Jimmy's watch) oh but Marissa, she's gonna be home soon (puts her strap back on her shoulder) Jimmy: (disappointed) right, right, right we should uh Hailey: yeah (grabs her top) Jimmy: ugh i'm sorry, i'm sorry about all the sneaking around I mean its-its so incredibly high school (laughs) (Hailey laughs and is in the middle of putting her top back on. Marissa comes in the front door. they see her and move away from each other and try and act normal) Marissa: dad, Hailey (they both stand) Jimmy: oh hey kiddo Hailey: uh-hm Jimmy: hi uh Hailey was just over ta-ta help me fix my um Hailey: faucet Jimmy: my faucet Hailey: yeah Jimmy: which was tota- remember it was leaking and uh you know she's um an expert on uh plumbing (Jimmy looks at Hailey, Hailey at him and Marissa looks as though she's trying desperately not to laugh) Hailey: I should go Jimmy: ok Hailey: now that the faucet is you know fixed Jimmy: uh-hm ok yeah listen thankyou so much you know if anything else breaks then uh ill give you a call but uh thankyou Hailey: bye Jimmy: see ya Marissa: wow, you guys really need'ta work on your improv skills Jimmy: look I wanted'ta talk to you about it I did I-I I did but I (sighs) with your mom and Caleb I figured the last thing you needed ta deal with was Marissa: dad Jimmy: this Marissa: dad, i'm fine with it, you know what better then that, i'm happy for you Jimmy: (looks at her) whats'a matter? Marissa: uh it's just with mom and Caleb getting married an an there moving into this new house so Jimmy: look I know alot is changing kiddo but its not-it's not all bad, you know Caleb's buying out the restaurant Marissa: I know Jimmy: yeah and you know we're gonna be ok I mean like seriously ok we're talking millions of dollars, we're gonna get outta this place, we're gonna move into a real home an start over... isn't that great? Marissa: yeah, yeah it's great (the phone rings, Marissa motions that she'll get it and walks off. Jimmy watches her, worried) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Ryan, Marissa, Summer and Seth are all sitting on the couch together Marissa: Seth's meeting your dad? Seth: yeah, so? (Summer nods) Marissa: oh well, that's gonna go well (laughs) Seth: (girly voice) oh well actually Marissa it will go well (normal) do you know why, it turns out i'm great with the parents ok, i'm actually better with the parents then I am with the daughters Ryan: oh I believe that Seth: an uh I think we know i'm pretty good with the daughters (puts his arm around Summer) you know what I mean (Summer smiles) this little one right here (Ryan and Marissa both laugh) Summer: her daddy's gonna feel it Marissa: (laughs) yeah (pan to Sandy and Kirsten talking in the kitchen) Kirsten: I can't believe Eddie would hit her Sandy: oh I know an Theresa has made it clear she does not wanna press charges you know so unless she changes her mind there's only so much I can do Kirsten: well at least you gave her someone ta talk to, somewhere ta go, it's a start Sandy: yeah until she decides ta go back ta Chino an marry the guy anyway Kirsten: well what about Ryan he must be beside himself, though you wouldn't know it from looking at him Sandy: he doesn't know Kirsten: what? Sandy: Theresa had me promise that I wouldn't tell him, she knows...he'd fly off the handle Kirsten: (nods) an then he'd go back ta Chino an beat the living daylights out of Eddie Sandy: (nods) at which point he breaks his probation an he ends up back in juvi (Ryan comes in) Kirsten: Ryan, need something more soda? Ryan: (at the fridge) I got it, what's goin on (Kirsten looks at Sandy) Sandy: nothin (Kirsten looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at them both) Kirsten: nothing Ryan: nothing ok (Ryan walks back out and Sandy and Kirsten look at each other then they both drink their drinks) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Ryan is sitting on Seth's bed and Seth is going through his clothes Seth: come on man jus pick one, Marissa's gonna be here soon (stands) Seth: Ryan don't rush me i've got alot riding on this Ryan: i thought you said you were good with parents, great with parents Seth: yeah cause i've got sooo much experience being introduced to my girlfriends parents, damnit i'm being sarcastic Ryan: so sarcasms like, breathing for you Seth: yeah Summer's dad thinks sarcasms a sign of weakness Ryan: sounds like a smart man Seth: I have to fool him do you understand I have to spin an elaborate web of lies smoke an mirrors for an entire meal, only then can I earn his trust Ryan: I hope your not gonna be like this during lunch Seth: (holds up a shirt) what about this one, too edgy? too fashion forward Ryan: it's a white collared shirt Seth: that's a good point, white shirts make my teeth look yellow (doorbell) Ryan: uh that's Marissa, I better go find her before she runs into her mom (leaves) (Ryan comes down the stairs, he walk passed the kitchen and sees Julie and Kirsten in there, he goes to the front door and opens it) Marissa: (smiles) hey Ryan: hey (Marissa walks in) uh your moms in there with Kirsten Marissa: maybe ill come back later Ryan: no you-you told Kirsten you'd stop by right Marissa: I jus don't wanna deal with my mom right now, I mean all I wanna do is get back at her an here I am throwing her a party Ryan: it'll be fine just uh jus take the high road, you can't lose (we are now in the kitchen with Julie and Kirsten) Julie: oh this looks great fruited Israeli couscous Kirsten: mm mm-hmm (Ryan and Marissa walk in) Julie: oh honey hi (Julie hugs her) Marissa: hey Julie: thanks for coming, so you stopped by to help us huh Marissa: actually Kirsten called me so I stopped by to help Kirsten Julie: (nods) well then ill let you get to it, Kirsten, Ryan (leaves) Ryan: Julie Kirsten: are you ok Marissa: fine, so um what can I do ta help Kirsten: uh you can double check the guest list with the invitations, I have everyone from the Newport group, all the ladies from spin class (hands list to Marissa) but there's no one from Julie's family Marissa: (smiles) uh yeah well my mom an her parents sort of, don't speak Kirsten: well what about her sisters Marissa: (shrugs) well there's always Aunt Cindy (phone rings) Kirsten: mm (reads call ID) ah the caterers great (to Marissa) Aunt Cindy you'll get in touch with her? Marissa: (nods) yeah Kirsten: (in the background) oh hi George how're you doin Ryan: see, you took the high road Marissa: (smirks) you've never met Aunt Cindy CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Jimmy, Sandy and Caleb are there. the first shot we see is a cheque from the Newport group for 2.5 mil, Jimmy is staring at it Caleb: well Jimmy: its-its uh Sandy: it's more then twice what we put into it Caleb: well you caught me at a good time, a man in love has no right doing business, besides we're family Jimmy: right, although are we, I don't know I can't keep track Caleb: now if you'll excuse me my fiancé wants help picking out the linens for the reception, I had no idea there were so many shades of beige Jimmy: (laughs) alright we'll see ya Sandy: (points) he is up ta somethin Jimmy: either that or he's on some serious pain killers but you know what I don't care two an a half million dollars that's like I-I can finally breathe again Sandy: oh i'm happy for ya Jimmy: but? Sandy: well I wish it could've ben the place that did it not Caleb Nichol you know I thought we'd be rescued (stands) by meatloaf an dirty martinis, that's how it was spose'ta be Jimmy: hey think about it all that meatloaf you've ben making, it's off your hands, now you got time for work Sandy: it's exactly what I was tryin'a get away from Jimmy: no I mean real work the stuff that you love like rescuing kids an down an out guys who are millions of dollars in debt (puts his hand on Sandy's shoulder) come on right now there's a stray out there just waitin for you to swoop down an save the day CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten is there with Aunt Cindy who is pretty much the exact opposite of Julie, they make their way into the living room Cindy: but remember we are off our asses wasted an totally lost in the woods an I (Kirsten looks at her) gotta go like nobody's business so I end up dropping trou. right there, sure enough poison oak everywhere! Julie tells the whole school, what a bitch right (sits) Kirsten: what a...charming story Cindy: yeah good times, (puts a cigarette in her mouth) you mind if I smoke? (lights it) Kirsten: uh actually I-I... Cindy: sorry, I tried'ta quit once but I ended up putting on thirty pounds, an who wants ta have s*x with that right (Kirsten half laughs, Ryan and Marissa come through the front door) Marissa: (gasps) Aunt Cindy (squeals)(Cindy stands up) look at you! hey (hugs her) Cindy: hey Marissa: (points) so this is my boyfriend Ryan Cindy: hi Ryan: hey Kirsten: Cindy's ben telling me some priceless stories about your mom Marissa: oh (sits) Cindy: yeah I was telling her about Julie's def leopard phase (Marissa sits forward, intrigued) she was always driving me ta Anaheim to help her scalp tickets Ryan: I can't believe your mom was inta heavy metal Kirsten: I can't believe she ever went ta Anaheim Cindy: so, where is the belle of the ball anyway, doing yoga? getting botox? Kirsten: uh you an Julie...do you talk often? Cindy: sure...if you call once every seven years often (Kirsten looks at Marissa, Marissa brings the guest list up to her face pretending to read it) Cindy: look ill hand it to you straight, I was shocked she wanted me here Kirsten: (to Cindy, but she's looking at Marissa) you were (Marissa looks as though she's busted) Cindy: yeah I mean last time I saw her, an memories a little foggy on account'a the jello shots, i'm pretty sure she told me ta get lost...for good (Kirsten nods, stands then pulls the paper down so she can see Marissa's face) Kirsten: Marissa can I talk to you in- (Julie comes through the front door) Julie: oh hi i'm so sorry (Cindy stands) I don't mean ta interrupt but you- (sees Cindy, smile goes) what the hell are you doing here Cindy: well its nice ta see you too, i'm here because I was invited, by Marissa (Julie looks at Marissa, Marissa makes a face like uh-oh) Julie: Marissa is this true Marissa: (laughs) well you guys probably have tons to catch up on (stands) so i'm gonna give you some alone time Ryan: (stunned) yeah we should probably get that cake too Marissa: right, have fun (they both leave) (Kirsten is standing with her arms folded, Julie is standing there glaring at Cindy, and Cindy has her hands on her hips) CUT TO: Lunch with Summer's dad - Seth, Summer and her dad are all sitting at a table Seth: and I decided that I wanted ta celebrate both holidays so what I did is basically I combined them, an I made Chrismukkah (Summer's dad nods, Summer is chewing her finger nail nervously) Summer: mmm, like Christmas an Chanukah Chrismukkah Seth: Chrismukkah S'dad: Chrismukkah, well that must be alotta fun for you Seth: yeah, yeah well you know we have fun with it its a good time, but I don't want you to think I'm all about holiday cheer, I'm hoarding all of them or anything um I have uh interests I have hobbies S'dad: do you Seth: sure I do sir, comic books for one S'dad: (skeptical) comic books Seth: sir, I think I hear the skepticism in your tone an I understand an believe me but I jus wanna tell you that I do believe that the comic book is a legitimate art form Frank Miller's Sin City, uh Powers by Brian Bendis who's arguably one of the best writers in comics today I mean (Summer's smile goes) combines sort of the-the story telling panache of like a-like a Stan Lee like that old school vibe but mixed with a lyrical you know sophistication of, I wanna say Allan Moore, that's probably too inside for ya, but you know your probably a fan of the classics uh Superman, Batman fan no...ice man...he freezes things S'dad: (to Summer) so Summer Seth: god isn't Summer the best, a little force'a nature (Summer looks at him) jus sittin there, little live wire S'dad: yes she is Seth: I think she's so full of vim an vigor I do, what would you say in your professional surgical opinion she has more of, would you say its vim or would you say its vigor (S'dad just looks at him) Summer: Cohen, what're you talkin about? Seth: Summer, Summer i'm jus saying that I think you've ben extraordinarily blessed with vim (swallows) an vigor too sir S'dad: what'do you say we order Seth: ok, I like food Summer: (relieved) yes (worried) (S'dad takes a sip of his drink and Seth copies him even though his drink has a straw lol he tips it up like her dad does with his wine glass) CUT TO: Cohen house - Hailey and Jimmy have just gotten out of a car, and they are discussing how to tell Kirsten about their relationship Hailey: so we jus say that we're very happy together Jimmy: an we hope that they can be happy for us Hailey: yeah Jimmy: you know Hailey: easy (sighs) (stops in front of the door but doesn't open it) Jimmy: Hailey...the door Hailey: (unsure) but what if it isn't the right time because my dads getting married to Julie Jimmy: right Hailey: an then Kirsten's planning this shower so Jimmy: y-you know what we-we should wait until the-the timings right Hailey: yeah Jimmy: you know what i'm saying cause the timings wrong Hailey: yeah Jimmy: right Hailey: (smiles) yes Jimmy: (smiles) ok good Hailey: ok great (he kisses her) Jimmy: oh excellent Hailey: mm-hmm Jimmy: this is a good idea too (Julie opens the front door, followed by Kirsten) Kirsten: oh i'm so sorry Julie: I feel so- (they stop kissing and look at them) Jimmy: oh Hailey: uh-hm (Kirsten looks away shocked, Julie does the same) CUT TO: Balboa bakery - Marissa and Ryan are just coming in the doors Marissa: (amused) did you see the look on my moms face Ryan: so much for the high road Marissa: yeah, this is way more fun (to worker) hi we're here ta pick up a cake, for Cooper Lady: mm-hmm let me check on that for you Marissa: thanks (eats some sample cake) mm oh my god this is amazing you've gotta try this (holds it out to him) Ryan: yeah Marissa: mm-hm mm-hmm (puts it in his mouth) (they laugh and muck around with each other, Ryan is trying to shove a tiny piece in her mouth and she's holding him back. Theresa walks up behind them, they both see her {the black eye} and stop) Marissa: uh-hm Ryan: Theresa wha-what happened (Theresa doesn't say anything) Eddie Theresa: I didn't wanna get you involved, you weren't even spose'ta know I was here, I guess Sandy went ahead an told you anyway Ryan: (hurt) Sandy-Sandy knows about this (Theresa walks away, Ryan looks stunned) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is in there in her dressing gown an Sandy comes in Kirsten: hey, where have you ben Sandy: ah I couldn't sleep, I thought maybe watchin the sun come up or gettin my ass kicked by some four footers 'd help, it didn't (holds out coffee) here's that vanilla half cafe caramel macchiato on the dry side you love so much Kirsten: (smiles) oooh its soo good, it's only fifteen hundred calories per sip (sips it) Sandy: hey what time is that shower today Kirsten: mm why Sandy: cause I might be a little late dependin on how bad the traffic is Kirsten: we live ten minutes from the club Sandy: but ill be comin from Chino Kirsten: (frowns) what'do you mean Sandy: I wanna pay Eddie a visit, knock some sense into him Kirsten: ah-huh Sandy: metaphorically of course, at the very least give him a good scare Kirsten: ah-huh Sandy: i'm takin back the coffee Kirsten: there are plenty of people here that need'ta hear from you, Ryan is really upset Sandy: ooh what can I do? he won't talk ta me Kirsten: explain it ta him, instead of tryin'a match him glare for glare, an what about Theresa...the victim alone in the motel room, she'd love ta hear from you, why don't you call her an invite her over Sandy: you can keep the coffee Kirsten: thankyou (Sandy picks up the phone) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The pool house - Sandy knocks then opens the doors, Ryan is getting dressed Sandy: oh I know you're pissed off, I would've explained things to ya last night but I couldn't, not until Theresa gave me the ok Ryan: you guys decided ta include me, hey thanks Sandy: i'm a lawyer she asked for privacy she's entitled to it Ryan: (sighs) (upset) she's gettin beat up an-an you keep it from me Sandy: what if I had told ya then what, what're you gonna do about it Ryan: I-I don't know, help her Sandy: how, go ta Chino see Eddie, land in the hospital or jail or worse Theresa was protecting you Ryan: you should'a told me Sandy: well I didn't! cause I knew you'd get riled up an do somethin stupid an now that you do know...I sure hope you don't prove me right Ryan: what about Theresa Sandy: she's on her way here you know if she's around people who care about her she's less likely ta go running back ta him Ryan: I gotta get ready for the shower Sandy: do we understand each other (Ryan nods and goes into the bathroom) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Summer is getting ready for the shower and Seth comes in. Summer is very 'can't be bothered' through the whole scene, not her usual happy/ditzy self Seth: hey, is your father around I didn't even see him Summer: (sighs) then I guess not Seth: oh that's cool nah I jus figured he'd maybe wanna say hey or something uh do you know where he is Summer: no, didn't say Seth: oh mm I know what I wanted'ta ask you, did he say anything about the lunch Summer: not really mm-mm Seth: nah I didn't think he would I mean it got a little awkward there...on the comic book part but I think it turned a good corner...at like the bread basket Summer: bread basket Seth: yeah yeah he asked me you know ta pass the bread I said your probably gonna wanna go bread stick as oppose to dinner roll, he went bread stick that shows he trusts me Summer: didn't clock that Seth: oh well, so uh so I didn't even get a review at all huh, not that I read my own press but I mean nothin involving thumbs or uh stars or Summer: we should go (Seth nods) CUT TO: Cohen house - Theresa is standing at one of the doors that lead to the back yard, she walks out and up the steps, she stops near the pool and Ryan walks over to her from the pool house Ryan: ...you should'a told me Theresa: right, cause you would'a taken the news so well (looks at him) you would've tried ta kill him Ryan: he deserves it Theresa: yeah well this is my problem, not yours, i'm the one who has'ta figure this whole thing out Ryan: what is there ta figure out (Theresa doesn't say anything) your not gonna stay with him, right Theresa: (shakes her head, shrugs and raises her eyebrows) ill take some self defense classes, an uh Eddie an I will live happily ever after Ryan: how can you joke? Theresa: because i'm tired of crying, ok CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy and Kirsten are in there Kirsten: I haven't seen you like this in a while Sandy: what flustered, upset, headin to a Newport party against my will (smiles) Kirsten: passionate, driven, this is the man I married Sandy: oh yeah Kirsten: mm-hmm Sandy: so are you ready ta face the happy couple Kirsten: the gruesome twosome Sandy: yeah (laughs) (Kirsten laughs) (Ryan and Theresa come in from outside) Sandy: hey Ryan: hi (Theresa waves) Kirsten: so Theresa I hope you've decided ta join us for the shower Theresa: oh thanks but i'm-i'm not really looking my best Kirsten: I have some concealer up stairs, works like a magic wand Sandy: she's right you should see her without the stuff on, terrifying (Ryan and Theresa laugh) (Marissa comes in) Marissa: hey are you guys ready ta go to the shower (sees Theresa) hey Theresa Ryan: Theresa's in town for a while (Marissa nods) Theresa: (sighs) jus till I get things straightened out Marissa: of course, well then you should come to the shower Marissa: thanks CUT TO: The shower - there are people and decorations everywhere. Julie and Kirsten are standing together W: Julie congratulations Julie: thankyou W: an Kirsten, what a lovely party Kirsten: thankyou (waiter comes over with wine) Julie: is it too early ta start drinking Kirsten: I hope not or i'm in trouble (takes a glass) thankyou (pan to Summer, Marissa and Seth standing together, a woman is talking to Marissa) W: after all your moms ben through, she deserves a man like Caleb Nichol, you two will never have'ta worry about money, ever again Marissa: (walks away) will you excuse me (Marissa walks passed Ryan and Theresa) Theresa: which ways the ladies room (Ryan points, we see Cindy laughing and joking around with Caleb) Julie: look at her, flirting with her sisters boyfriend like she's in seventh grade again Kirsten: for once, I actually know what ya mean (we see Jimmy and Hailey together laughing and smiling) Julie: I wonder which of my past humiliations she's telling him about now...oh my god did she just say m-monster truck Kirsten: (looks at her) Julie you were into monster trucks Julie: (worried) I better get over there or there might not even be a wedding (walks away) (Kirsten looks back over at Jimmy and Hailey, Jimmy raises his glass to her, Kirsten closes her eyes and walks away) CUT TO: Caleb and Cindy laughing together, Julie walks up Caleb: hey Juju, your ears must be burning Cindy: I was jus telling Cal here about you an me an Knott's Berry farm Julie: (uncomfortable laugh) Cindy thankyou for entertaining Cal here, but you should go try the pastries, maybe they'll soak up some'a that whiskey Cindy: does anybody want anything, Tequila shooter Julie: Cindy go! (takes Caleb's arm) (sighs) i'm sorry, about Cindy Caleb: she's got oomph, spark just like her sister (kisses her head) CUT TO: Summer and Seth who are still standing with the woman W: oh an Julie looks fabulous (Summer & Seth nod) must be all'a those yogalaties classes (walks away) Summer: (follows) oh you know i've always wanted'ta try yogalaties Seth: (follows) me too maybe we should uh maybe we'll take a class together you an I CUT TO: Marissa sitting alone at the back of the caterer's tent, Theresa walks over to Theresa: needed a break? Marissa: hey (Theresa sits) yeah I was just...feeling a little lost out there Theresa: you probably really need Ryan right now an me being here i'm jus getting in the way Marissa: (shrugs) hey it's not your fault Theresa: look part of the reason I didn't wanna tell Ryan about Eddie is because...he seems really happy right now, an that's because'a you (Marissa looks at her) CUT TO: Caleb and Julie opening presents Julie: oh look Cal, a juicer, we need one'a these CUT TO: Kirsten getting a drink, Cindy is there with her Cindy: how bout a game (Kirsten looks at her, Cindy raises her eyebrows then walks away) Cindy: (yells) ok folks, has anyone here ever played how well do you know them Julie: uh Cindy, everyone here already knows us that won't be much fun Cindy: alright i'm gonna be Chuck Woolery alright i'm gonna ask a question and whoever shouts out the most right answers wins (Julie looks worried) first question, what is Julie's favourite meal W: oh I know this Chilean sea bass with roasted baby carrots Cindy: (laughs) no, no the answer is a double double cheese burger, heavy on the special sauce (Julie closes her eyes) large fries an an orange soda (Caleb smiles) Cindy: ok next question CUT TO: Marissa and Theresa still in the catering tent, Ryan comes in Ryan: hey, i've ben lookin for ya...for b-both of you (they all look uncomfortable) Marissa: everything's ok? Ryan: yeah it's just, at a shower, not really what I do (Marissa & Theresa both smile) (phone rings. Theresa looks at call ID then puts it back down) Ryan: that him Theresa: yeah he's just calling to a-pologise again i'm not gonna get it Ryan: (angry) what you've ben talkin to him (takes the phone from her, answers) leave her alone (Marissa and Theresa both stand up and go over to him) Theresa: (takes the phone back) what're you doing Ryan: what're you doing still talking to him? Theresa: Ryan please, stay out of this Ryan: stay out of it, you came here, you knew I was gonna find out, what'did you think I was gonna do Marissa: Ryan Ryan: Theresa he hit you, you can't go back to him Theresa: Ryan it's not that simple ok you know him he's not a bad person he made a mistake Ryan: you don't really believe that Theresa: yes I do! I know that Ryan: (angry) what cause you're an expert on the subject, what're you gonna tell me, this isn't the first time (Theresa looks down, Ryan looks at her, Marissa looks at her, then away) Ryan: (calmer) has he done it before (Theresa looks at him) tell me Theresa has he hit you before (Theresa nods) Marissa: Ryan just (Ryan walks away) (they both watch him leave, worried) CUT TO: Cindy still playing the game Cindy: growing up, who was Julie's first love? W: oooh Rick Springfield (everyone laughs) Cindy: close, the entire defensive line of our eighth grade football team (Julie gets up and walks away) Julie: I refuse to sit here an be humiliated Cindy: (softly) oh crap (Ryan walks over to a purse and takes car keys out, Seth walks over) Seth: hey are you carrying a purse now, not that you shouldn't accessorise...you stealin Marissa's car Ryan: (walking away) if I don't do somethin Theresa's gonna marry that guy Seth: (follows) hey man you can't go back there Ryan: yeah why not Seth: because it's a horrible idea an my dad said not to Ryan: she's taking his calls th-there working it out, she's gonna go back to him, its gonna happen again Seth: dude, don't Ryan: I don't have a choice Seth: hey man (grabs his arm) you do Ryan: let go'a me, now (Ryan walks away, Marissa comes over and sees) Marissa: is Ryan leaving Seth: yeah...oh he took your car (Marissa looks at him worried) CUT TO: Ryan in the parking lot, he beeps the alarm and gets in Marissa's car. Sandy comes up to the window Sandy: (taps) put down the window (Ryan puts it down) get outta the car Ryan: he's done it before, you know that Sandy: well that's the pattern with these things Ryan: it means he'll do it again Sandy: don't try'ta fix this thing kid, I am your guardian an I get ta call the shots now get outta the car Ryan: somebody has'ta stop him Sandy: Theresa has'ta decide on her own ta leave Eddie, we can't force her Ryan: (shakes his head) I know about these things, Theresa an Eddie an Chino, you don't get it Sandy: oh yes I do, i've seen way too many kids jus like em an I know that it will not be you ta suddenly make him change Ryan: (yells) so you want me ta do nothing Sandy: yes! Ryan: (looks at him) I can't do that (Ryan starts the car and drives off, Sandy watches helplessly) CUT TO: Inside the club, Kirsten is at the bar and Jimmy walks over Jimmy: that was quite a scene out there huh (laughs) i've always loved Cindy (laughs) (Kirsten isn't responding to him) so uh do you...wanna talk about this, I know its-its it's weird even though it was years ago you an I dated, she's still your sister Kirsten: its not jealousy, I jus don't wanna see my friend make a terrible mistake Jimmy: what makes you think it's a mistake Kirsten: Jimmy this is what Hailey does, she uses people ta get back at me Jimmy: Kirsten, uh this isn't...about you, Hailey an I uh you know I don't it-it feels...real Kirsten: (nods) ok, its jus that, your starting to do well an I don't wanna see you- Jimmy: happy because that's what I am, for the first time since Julie left me I don't feel completely alone so...jus be...happy for me ok Kirsten: (nods, smiles) ok (walks away) CUT TO: Julie sitting inside on a couch, Cindy sits down next to her Julie: what'do you want Cindy, money Cindy: I don't want your money Julie: ugh the hell you don't, why else would you come down here an embarrass me, humiliate me infront'a my friends Cindy: those people aren't your friends, ok they don't even know you Julie: and you do Cindy: I use to...back when you had big hair an you wore tight jeans...god we were spose'ta-we were spose'ta leave Riverside together remember...we were gonna move ta LA (Julie looks at her) (laughs) marry rock stars...then you took off, you moved to the beach...without me Julie: I couldn't exactly take you with me Cindy: (nods) I know...I just...I miss you sometimes (shrugs) that's all (drinks her drink & stands) an i'm sorry, about what happened out there, guess I wont be invited ta the wedding huh (Caleb comes down some stairs) Caleb: of course you'll be invited to the wedding, we wouldn't have it any other way Cindy: thanks (to Julie) ill be outside (Cindy leaves and Caleb sits next to Julie) Julie: well i'm sure you found Cindy's visit very revealing Caleb: (takes her hand) Julie, there is nothing I could find out about you that would make me walk away (Julie looks at him) CUT TO: Outside again - Seth is walking around by himself, he goes over to Summer who is sitting at a table by herself Seth: hey, your avoiding me...that's cool I kinda like it, its kind of a throw back, feels very eighth grade...so i'm guessing that this has something to do with uh me bombing with your father Summer: (upset) it was a train wreck Cohen Seth: I was nervous Summer: you didn't stop talking Seth: I know I get chatty when i'm...completely terrified, look next time ill be uh ill be the strong silent type...or (holds her hand) ill jus be silent ok Summer: (pulls away) look my dad an I are best friends an we do everything together an he's never ben wrong I mean he's my dad Seth: an he hated me Summer: you jus weren't what he expected Seth: yeah what was he expecting, someone taller? blonder? Presbyterian what Summer: just different...my dads really protective of me Seth: well look i'm sorry if your dad doesn't think i'm good enough for you ok really I am an if that's the way he feels that sucks but you know what it really doesn't matter, I don't really have'ta be his type because the only thing that matters, is me an you, right? Summer: (starts crying) I have'ta go (runs off) (Seth sits there confused) CUT TO: The mermaid Inn - Ryan knocks on Theresa's door, then goes in. he sees a suitcase on the bed then we see Theresa come out with clothes in her hands Theresa: I thought you'd be in Chino by now Ryan: I got as far as Corona Theresa: and Ryan: and I realised Eddie wasn't who I needed'ta talk to...what the hell are you doin goin back to him Theresa: its not gonna happen again, he promised me Ryan: sure, jus like he promised the last time right Theresa: what am I spose'ta do, my whole life is in Chino Ryan: so was mine Theresa: right ok so what I wait for some rich perfect family to adopt me an stick me in their beautiful pool house, great idea Ryan: no you-you can stay with the Cohen's too Theresa: no I cant (sits) Ryan: why not Theresa: cause, I move in there an then what happens Ryan: I don't know...I don't know (Theresa looks at him) but I know what happens if you go back ta Eddie...so do you (Theresa looks at him) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Sandy and Kirsten are on the couch together, Kirsten is lying with her feet on Sandy's lap Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again Sandy: oh honey don't tease Kirsten: nothing good happens at our parties, have you noticed that Sandy: (nods) yeah the gruesome twosome, never tighter Kirsten: Jimmy an Hailey, officially a couple Sandy: an Ryan's probably headin back to juvi right about now Kirsten: an if he is I know jus the guy ta get him out (the front door opens and they both sit up, Ryan walks in, Theresa is behind him) Ryan: hey Sandy: (stands) hey are you alright (walks towards them) how's Eddie Ryan: I decided ta take my lawyers advice, went to see Theresa instead Theresa: hi Mr. Cohen, Mrs. Cohen Kirsten: (smiles) you can stay as long as you want Theresa: thankyou Sandy: you can sleep in the pool house, an Ryan you can bunk in with Seth you know on the air mattress Kirsten: c'mon why don't we get you settled in? (Theresa and Kirsten walk out to the backyard) Ryan: ...thanks, for doin this Sandy: Kirsten an I 'd do anything for you, you know that Ryan: yeah me too Sandy: well i'm glad ta hear it (puts his arm around Ryan's shoulders) because we lost the pump so somebody's gonna have'ta blow that sucker up (Ryan smiles) CUT TO: Cohen house at night - Kirsten walks towards the front door and opens it, Marissa is there Kirsten: hey Marissa Marissa: (smiles) hey Kirsten is Ryan home Kirsten: uhh yeah he's in the pool house...he's uh helping Theresa get settled in Marissa: so she's staying Kirsten: yeah (Marissa nods) Kirsten: he loves you you know Marissa: I know Kirsten: then...make room for her to be in his life, he's not goin anywhere (fade to Ryan walking into Seth's bedroom. Seth is on his bed holding captain oats, he's down. Ryan sits on the bed with him) Ryan: (softly) sorry I bailed on the shower Seth: don't you think this apology should be directed elsewhere, like say Marissa Ryan: (softly) I guess so...I didn't want to I uh had to- Seth: again man should be directed somewhere else (Ryan nods) (sighs) if it makes you feel any better things between me an Summer pretty much suck Ryan: cause of her dad Seth: of all the love triangles to sink us, it is the least sexy...go talk to your girlfriend one of us should be able to Ryan: yeah (stands) (Seth sits there and puts his head back, sad. fade to the pool, we pan across and see Marissa sitting on the sun lounge, Ryan comes out and sits with her, she rubs his arm) Ryan: hi (sighs) today I said I was gonna be there an I wasn't Marissa: it's ok Ryan: I know you got alot ta deal with comin up...but we're gonna get through it, together...you an me we're gonna be fine Marissa: (smiles) I... (sees Theresa in the pool house) Ryan: what? Marissa: (thinks) I think we are gonna be fine (Ryan nods and smiles Marissa smiles, he puts his arm around her and she leans back into him. Ryan rubs her arm and Marissa rubs his leg. the camera zooms in and they both don't look completely sure - fade out)

Plan: A: a bridal shower; Q: What do Kirsten and Marissa throw for Julie? A: Julie's unwanted estranged sister; Q: Who does Marissa invite to Julie's bridal shower? A: Theresa; Q: Who calls Sandy for legal advice? A: Ryan; Q: Who does Theresa try to avoid? A: their romance; Q: What do Hailey and Jimmy continue? A: Summer; Q: Who is disappointed when Seth meets her father? Summary: Kirsten and Marissa throw a bridal shower for Julie, but Marissa invites Julie's unwanted estranged sister. Theresa calls Sandy for legal advice, but tries to avoid Ryan. Hailey and Jimmy continue their romance. Meanwhile, Summer is disappointed when Seth meets her father.

ACT ONE WHIMSY Scene One - Frasier's Apartment It's Halloween! The doorbell rings. Martin opens the door to Niles, wearing a bowler and clenching a cigarette holder in his teeth. Niles: Trick or treat! Or should I say, "Pip Pip!" Martin: What's with the outfit? Niles: This is part of your costume for tonight. I just picked it up for you. Martin: What? I thought you said you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler. Niles: Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey! Martin: Who the hell's that? Niles: He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers. Martin: Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's "Wimsey!" Ah no, forget it, I'm just gonna wear my old police uniform. Niles: You can't. It's a Halloween ball for the Library Association, you have to come dressed as a character from literature. Martin: Oh, why didn't I just tell Sherry I'd go with her to visit her mother in prison? Niles: Come on, Dad, it'll be fun! I'm going to go as Cyrano de Bergerac-musician, philosopher, fighter, poet! [he grabs Martin's cane and brandishes it like a rapier] The greatest friend and the bravest swordsman alive! [notices] Eew, what's all over your cane? Martin: I don't know. I dropped it in the movie theater last night. Niles hands the cane back and wipes his palm with his handkerchief. Frasier and Daphne come out, laughing and admiring a set of photos. Frasier: I love this picture! You look adorable in that! Daphne: Oh, I do not! You just like it because you look so handsome in it. Frasier: Well, the camera doesn't lie, you know. Martin: What are you two giggling about? Daphne: Oh, we're just looking at the snapshots from our trip to the microbrewery. Niles: That must have been especially fun for you, Dad. [looks at some of the photos] You're not in any of these. Martin: That's 'cause I didn't go. That was the day Eddie got into the poison oak. I was up all night rubbing calamine lotion on his belly. Frasier: These really are the golden years for you, aren't they? Niles: So it was just you and Frasier? Daphne: Yes. [chuckles] Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer. Frasier: Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night. Daphne: Yes, we got a bit naughty! Niles: Well, not too naughty, I hope. Daphne: Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking. But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home. We spent the night in a motel. Niles: Well, that takes a load off my mind. Frasier: Well, Niles, uh, what time is this little soiree of yours this evening? Martin: Yeah, I still got to get the velvet in my slippers re- crushed. Niles: All right, Dad, I will find you a Sherlock Holmes outfit. [to Frasier] Seven P.M. Which reminds me, I have to get home before Marta arrives to set up. She's arachnophobic, poor thing. Last Halloween she beat my centerpiece to bits with a broom. Frasier: Well, perhaps we should go finish up those costumes, [British accent] eh, waif? Daphne: Yes! Niles: Did you say "wife?" Daphne: Hasn't your brother told you? Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from "The Canterbury Tales", and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath! Frasier: [accent] Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too! Daphne: [laughing] Oh, you naughty rogue! We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that. Martin: Yeah, it's been Ye Olde Laugh Riot around here. Niles cell phone rings. Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord? Frasier: After you, my juicy wench! Niles: "My juicy wench?" [into phone] No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! [to Frasier] I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills! Scene Two - KACL Frasier is doing his show. The booth is decorated for Halloween-orange and black streamers, jack-o'-lanterns, etc. Roz is a wreck-she's wearing a dingy sweatsuit, her hair is shabby and unkempt, and she looks exhausted. Roz: On line three we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected. Frasier: Go ahead, Ted. Roz pushes a button to connect Ted. Frasier hears a dial tone. Roz gasps and covers her mouth with her hands. Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony. Roz: On line two we have Bill. He's going through a very difficult transition. This time Frasier pushes the button himself. Frasier: Hello, Bill. Dorothy: [v.o.] Uh, hello? Is someone there? Frasier: Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill? Dorothy: This is Dorothy. Roz: Oh, Bill's on line one! Frasier: Yes, well, let's just stick with Dorothy for the time being. How can I help you? Dorothy: You can get me Roz. I'm her manicurist, and she called for an appointment. Roz: I'll call you back later, Dorothy. Frasier: Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup. I'd like to apologize for the unusually high number of technical difficulties we've experienced today, and now we will go to these public service messages. Roz looks around her booth for the P.S.A. cart, then realizes she left it in Frasier's booth. She rushes in and jams it into the player. Frasier goes off the air. Frasier: Explain yourself! Roz: I'm just a little off my game today. Frasier: A little? Roz: O.K., a lot. Frasier: Roz, you come in here looking ghoulish even for Halloween, and you sleepwalk your way through my entire show! Roz: Oh... I'm sorry, Frasier. Frasier: "Sorry" just doesn't cut it, Roz! What possible explanation can there be for this level of unprofessionalism?! Beat. Roz: I think I'm pregnant. Roz goes back to her booth. Frasier, dumbstruck, follows her in. Frasier: Pregnant? Roz: Well, I don't know for sure. I took one of those home tests, and it was kind of iffy, so I went to see my doctor, and he's gonna call me with results. Frasier: But, Roz, how-? Roz: I don't know how! No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds. Frasier: Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now. Roz: Frasier, promise me you won't tell anyone. Frasier: Oh, of course not, Roz. But frankly, we don't know if we have anything to tell yet. Roz: What if there is? Frasier: Then we'll deal with that when we have to. No use crossing that bridge till we come to it. Roz: I can't get my mind off it! Frasier: Well, you know Niles's party is tonight. That should serve as a distraction. Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't think I'm up for that. Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! Roz: Well, I did rent a costume and everything. Frasier: For me? It'll be fun! You know you want to. Roz: That's exactly the kind of talk that got me into this. Bulldog comes in. Bulldog: Hey, tell your brother I'm coming to his charity thing tonight. I just found the perfect costume! Frasier: And as what literary character will you be attending? Bulldog: Waldo! [Frasier looks at him blankly] From "Where's Waldo?" He's like in sixteen books! You call yourself well-read. Bulldog exits. Frasier and Roz share a look. Scene Three - The Montana Niles's party is in full swing. The stereo plays classical music. The living room is filled with guests dressed as a variety of literary characters. Niles comes down the stairs dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, right down to the huge nose. Somewhat incongruously, his cell phone rings. Niles: Niles Crane. Maris! Where are you? Still at the beauty parlor? What-no, calm down, calm down, stop crying. It can't be as bad as all that. Exactly how much hair do you have left? Oh... He ducks into the empty kitchen. Niles: Well, don't panic, we just have to find another character for you to be tonight. Uh, there's an Ionesco play called "The Bald Soprano!" [chuckles] No I'm joking, Maris. What? You've got to come! Maris, for God's sake, you have thirty-seven wigs, just go down to the wig vault and pick one! Maris, this evening means a great deal to me. I need you here with me. Do you care about my feelings at all? [Maris hangs up] Well, that answers that. He puts away his phone and gulps down a glass of champagne. [In each scene from here on, Niles will be getting progressively drunker] Out in the living room, Martin and Daphne come in, dressed as Sherlock Holmes and the Wife of Bath. They are followed shortly by Frasier, dressed as Geoffrey Chaucer. Frasier: So, how's the party? Daphne: Actually, we just got here. We had a bit of a delay when Sherlock here led us to the wrong apartment. Martin: Oh, so we're a minute late. I noticed you didn't complain when the old lady gave us peanut butter cups. Niles comes over. Niles: Evening, all! Oh, what lovely costumes! Daphne, you look particularly beautiful. Daphne: Oh, thanks. I'm not sure I agree. It's a bit tight-must have put on a pound or two. Frasier: [accent] That's enough out of you, you wanton troll, or I'll smite your bawdy backside with the flat of me sinewy right hand! Daphne and Frasier laugh. Martin: At least on the ride over her I could stick my head out the window. So where's the bar? Niles: That's right over here, I'm serving grog and mead. Martin: Which one tastes most like beer? Niles leads Martin to the bar. Daphne drifts into the crowd. Behind Frasier, Roz comes in, wearing fright makeup and a trench coat. Frasier: Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor? Roz: No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you? She removes the trench coat. She's decked out in a saucy black leather S&M; outfit. Frasier: Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem. Frasier hangs her coat up. Daphne notices Roz. Daphne: Wow, Roz, don't you look smashing! "Eve"-a young woman wearing a peach body stocking and a waist-length blonde wig-also notices Roz. [N.B. Eve is played by Kelsey Grammer's real-life wife, Camille Donatacci Grammer] Eve: What an interesting costume! Who are you? Roz: I'm "O", from "The Story of 'O'". Guests: Oh . . . Roz: It's gonna be a long night. Daphne: Well, I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you. Roz: Oh no! Oh God, not a glow! [calms down] I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had... kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is? Daphne: Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs. Roz: Thank you. Daphne: Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you? Roz: Not exactly. Roz heads up the stairs. She passes a good-looking guy. Guy: Oh, hello. Roz: Hi. Guy: Are you here alone? Roz: Oh God, I hope so. She goes up the stairs. At the buffet, Martin is standing next to Gil, dressed as an Indian. Gil tries a hors d'oeuvre. Gil: Oh my! What a delectable medley of frommagian splendor! You must try one. Martin: [tries one] Mmm, cheesy. Gil: Mmm, yes. "Cheesy"-the mot juste. It must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision. Martin: Yep. So who're you suppose to be? Gil: Chingatchkook - I'm the Last of the Mohicans! Martin: Oh! Well... that little mystery solved. Dissolve to: A While Later Frasier wanders around the room, looking for Roz. He finds Daphne at the bar. Frasier: Daphne, have you seen Roz? Daphne: Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried. Frasier: She told you about it? Niles comes up with two glasses. Niles: Champagne? Frasier: Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone. He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room. Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really? Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention... Frasier: Oh... Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him. Frasier: I had no idea. Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times. This blows Frasier's mind for a few seconds. Frasier: Really? I had no... really? Well, of course nothing's certain until we get the pregnancy test results. Daphne: Pregnancy? We're not talking about a car accident, are we? Frasier: Oh dear. Daphne: Roz is pregnant? Frasier: Absolutely not! Where could you get such an insane notion? Daphne: Well, you just said she was! Frasier: Shut up! Or I'll smite you with the back of me sinewy - oh, just get in here! He drags her into the kitchen. Niles wanders the room looking for them. He runs into Martin, who is busy demonstrating his magnifying glass to a pretty woman. Niles: Did you notice where Frasier went? Martin: No idea. Niles: What about Daphne? Martin: Haven't a clue. Niles: Holmes, you astound me. In the kitchen, Frasier and Daphne are sitting at a small table. Daphne's eyes are getting increasingly teary. Frasier: Oh, I feel so guilty. Roz swore me to secrecy. I never should have said anything. Daphne: It's not your fault, you thought I knew. Do you have a tissue? These silly lashes are killing my eyes. I must be allergic to the adhesive. Frasier gives Daphne a handkerchief from his sleeve. Behind his back, Niles cracks the door and eavesdrops. Frasier: Just promise me you won't tell a soul. We've got to keep this secret. Daphne: Oh, right! But we can't keep it a secret forever. My God, we are talking about a baby. Niles's eyes bug out. Frasier: Oh, how could I have been so careless? Daphne: These things happen, it's not your fault. Frasier: Yes, well, you know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out! Daphne: Don't worry, I'll protect your reputation. I'll tell everyone I forced you to it. Niles cannot believe what he's hearing. Frasier: All right. We'd better get back to the party before people start wondering about us. Frasier gets up and swings the door open. It thumps into something. The door swings back, showing Niles, whose prosthetic nose is now sticking up at a crazy angle. Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about? Laughing, Frasier moves off into the crowd. Niles glares after him. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO PANACHE Scene Four - Party As Eve walks across the room, Frasier tracks her with his eyes. Niles comes up to him. Frasier: Well, there's a literary "figure" I'd like to know better. Niles: Just a moment, I need a word with you. Frasier: What about? The doorbell rings. Niles: Stay there, I've guests to greet. He goes to the door and opens it to a group of trick-or-treaters. Kids: Trick or treat! Niles: How did you get past the doorman? Dracula: We live in the building. Niles: Well, I'm sorry, this isn't a good night for this. Dracula: But it's Halloween! Niles: Uh! Very well! [grabs an hors d'oeuvre tray from a maid] Crab puff for you, and some gravlax for you, and pate for Dracula. Now off you go! He closes the door, hands the tray back, and goes back to Frasier, who is now talking to Eve. Niles: I need to talk to you! Frasier: Not now, Niles! [to Eve] Let me guess... Lady Godiva? Eve: No, Eve - from the Bible. Frasier: Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book." They laugh. Niles: What are you doing? Are you just going to abandon Daphne? Frasier: Niles, just because I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her! The doorbell rings again, stifling Niles's outraged reply. He goes back to the door and opens it to Bulldog, dressed as Waldo. Bulldog: Hey! Hey, get a load of that schnozzola! Niles hurriedly ushers him in, and turns back towards Frasier. Bulldog: No, wait, wait! Guess who I am? Niles: I give up. Bulldog: I'm Waldo! From "Where's Waldo?" You know, that guy you can't find because he blends into the crowd? Niles: I don't know, but I'd love a demonstration. He shoos Bulldog away. Frasier is still flirting with Eve. Frasier: And to think, all that time your cat was curled up in your sock drawer. They're almost human, aren't they? Eve laughs. Niles grabs Frasier's elbow. Niles: Pardon me, I need a word alone with my brother. Frasier: [whispering] Not now, Niles! I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet! Niles: It's urgent! Frasier: Just keep your voice down! [to Eve] I'm sorry, will you excuse me? Eve: Sure, but hurry back. Frasier turns to face Niles. Niles: Your boorish behavior is simply appalling! I can no longer hold my tongue! Frasier: Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you! You're drunk, Niles! Niles: Drunk like a fox! [looks around, then] I know about the baby. Frasier: You do? Niles: Yes! Frasier: Who told you? Niles: I heard it from Daphne's own lips! Frasier: Daphne! That blabbermouth! I'll wring her neck! Niles: Listen to yourself! Have you no conscience? Frasier: Niles, you're getting awfully exercised about this. Niles: We're talking about a single woman with a baby! What do you intend to do about it? Frasier: Well, I suppose I could give her a raise! Niles: That's your idea of responsibility? Give her a raise? Frasier: Well, what do you want me to do, marry her? Let's look at something here, buddy, she's the one that got pregnant! [notices Roz standing next to them, glaring] Hello, Roz. Roz: Beat it, Niles! Niles starts to protest, then the doorbell rings a third time. Niles: Stay here! He moves off. Roz: I am so mad at you I could scream! How could you tell Niles about the baby? Frasier: I didn't! Daphne told him, the damnable chatterbox! Roz: And who told Daphne? Frasier: Well... that would be me! Niles opens the door to two children wearing Halloween masks-Frankenstein and Alice in Wonderland. Niles: Ah! What is it with all you children, isn't it past your bedtime?! "Frankenstein" takes off his mask-he's a midget. Krovitz: Dr. Crane, it's me, Dr. Krovitz. Niles: [recovering quickly] Of course it is, and this must be your lovely wife Sylvia. Krovitz: I don't know her. Alice: Trick or treat! Krovitz comes in. Niles shuts the door in Alice's face. Roz is still talking to Frasier. Roz: What is wrong with you? I specifically asked you not to tell anyone. Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, but the way she spoke it sounded as if she already knew you were having a baby! Martin has drifted by in time to hear this last. Martin: What, you are? Roz: Oh, great! Nice going, Frasier. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Roz, but he is the Master of Deduction! He would have figured it out anyway! Martin nods. Roz storms away. Niles is hovering next to Daphne, whose eyes are filled with tears again. Niles: Just let it out. I'm here for you. Daphne: I keep telling you, I'm not crying. It's my damn lashes. Niles: As courageous as you are beautiful. Oh, you shouldn't be drinking this poison! [takes her champagne glass, then notices Roz] Here, Roz, drink this. Daphne: Roz, do you have a tissue? Roz: If you don't see it, I don't have it! [calms down] I'm sorry. Do you want to go get a cocktail napkin? Roz leads Daphne to the kitchen. Martin comes over to Niles. Niles: Hurry back, brave girl! Oh, just look at her, poor thing. Martin: What are you talking about? Niles: Oh, I suppose you'll find out soon enough. There's a baby on the way. Martin: Oh, you know about that too? Niles: Who told you? Martin: Well, I heard Frasier and Roz talking about it. Niles: You don't seem very surprised. Martin: Well, [chuckles] I mean I'm fond of her. But let's face it, she's no Sunday school teacher. She's been around the block a few times! Niles: Well, instead of heaping scorn on her, you might put the blame where it belongs, on Frasier! Look at him, the shameless Casanova! He points to Frasier, who is back flirting with Eve. Martin: What's Frasier got to do with this? Niles: He's the father! Martin: What?! Are you kidding me? Frasier: Well, I heard it from his own mouth! Martin: Well, I don't believe it! I've got to go talk to him! Niles: Wait, wait! [words slightly slurred] I've just made a montentous decision! There's one person in this family who still has a sense of honor and decency. Frasier may not be able to do right by that woman, but I will! Martin: What are you talking about? Niles: I'm going to propose to her. Martin: Are you nuts? You're still married. Niles: Maris never needed me. But there's a woman here who does. Martin: Boy, I didn't know you even liked her. Niles: Yes, I wore that mask well. But now it's time to do the honorable thing! Martin: Oh, you mean divorce your wife and marry the woman who's carrying your brother's child? Niles: [confused for a second, but] I've made up my mind. Nothing's going to stop me, Dad! He moves toward the kitchen, but is intercepted by Gil. Gil: Uh, excuse me, Niles. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an hors d'oeuvre mishap on your Persian rug. Just call me "Fumbles With Crab Puffs." Niles: Not now, Gil. In the kitchen, Daphne is dabbing her eyes again. Roz pours herself a glass of milk. Daphne: There's no use fretting until you know for sure. God, my eyes are just getting worse. I suppose I should ask Dr. Crane to take me home. But I feel bad ruining his good time. I was having fun too-there are some very attractive men here! Niles comes in just in time to hear her say: Daphne: But who's going to want me in this condition? This nearly breaks Niles's heart. Roz: Oh, don't worry about Frasier. He'll take care of you. Niles: [cackling drunkenly] That's a laugh! Beat it, Roz. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Roz: Never mind, I got to go check my machine. Roz exits. Niles, with some difficulty, kneels beside Daphne's chair. Niles: Daphne, we've known each other for four years now, so I want to take the time to phrase this just right. Daphne: Yeah, well, you take all the time you need. I have to go find your brother. She gets up and exits. Niles cannot immediately do the same. In the main room, Daphne taps Frasier on the shoulder. Daphne: Dr. Crane, can I talk to you for a second? Frasier: [to Eve] I'm sorry, will you excuse me? Eve: It's all right. I'll go freshen my lipstick. I feel naked without it. Frasier chuckles. Eve moves off. Frasier turns to Daphne. Niles comes up behind her. Frasier: Haven't you ruined my evening enough already?! Daphne: What are you talking about? Frasier: I am talking about you and your blabbermouth! Niles told me you told him about the baby! Daphne: I did not! Frasier: Oh, don't play innocent with me! Daphne: Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes! Frasier: Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it! Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me! I just know I need a lift home right now! Frasier: Oh, all right! But I am not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number. So you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like! I'm sorry, I am very attracted to this young woman, and I am not going to let you and your little problem stand in my way! Niles: [can take no more] THAT'S ENOUGH! Everyone in the room falls silent and looks at Niles. Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this! And lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself! Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother! You cad, you bounder, you roué! Frasier: What is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number? Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one! And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof! Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof! Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need... Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me. Niles: Indeed you can. Martin: [realizing what he thinks] Niles- Niles: I told you, don't try to stop me! [to Frasier] You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?! Daphne looks at Frasier with total incomprehension. Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass of yourself- Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry! He draws his sword. Unfortunately, the blade breaks off and he is left with just an empty handle. Martin offers Niles his cane. Daphne: But, Dr. Crane- Niles: No, no! No, don't defend him! [takes off his hat and kneels in front of Daphne, taking her hand] There may be one b*st*rd in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another. Daphne... will you marry me? Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one that's pregnant, Roz is! The guests react. Gil and Bulldog, jaws hanging, exchange a look. Niles: [derailed] Roz is? Eve: Who's Roz? Bulldog: She's the one dressed like "O." Guests: Oh... Daphne: That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz. Martin: If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier! Frasier: What? Martin: How could you do that? Get her pregnant? Gil: It was Frasier? Frasier: No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! Roz appears at the top of the stairs. Frasier: In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby! Roz: We do now. Everyone looks at her. She shrugs and nods. TO BE CONTINUED... Scene Z - Niles's Apartment The party is over, and the last of the guests are going home. Eve walks out the door on the arm of a man dressed like the Devil. As the maid starts clearing things up, she walks by Niles, sprawled on his fainting couch, fast asleep. Baby, his cockatoo, perches on the end of his fake nose.

Plan: A: a literary-themed Halloween party; Q: What kind of party is Niles throwing? A: Roz; Q: Who is pregnant? A: Frasier convinces; Q: Who convinces Roz to go to Niles's party? A: her mind; Q: What does Frasier hope the party will take off of Roz? A: the party guests; Q: Who does Frasier try to reassure? A: The entire ordeal; Q: What ends with Niles proposing to Daphne? A: a drunken Niles; Q: Who proposes to Daphne? A: her doctor; Q: Who did Roz hear from? A: Camille Donatacci; Q: Who married Kelsey Grammer two months before this episode aired? Summary: Niles is throwing a literary-themed Halloween party, and Roz fears she might be pregnant. Frasier convinces Roz to go to Niles's party, hoping that will take her mind off her possible pregnancy. That night at the party, Frasier accidentally lets out that Roz might be pregnant and soon the wrong gossip spreads among the party guests. The entire ordeal ends with a drunken Niles proposing to Daphne, who he thinks is pregnant with Frasier's baby. Just as Frasier is attempting to reassure the party guests about what is really going on, Roz interrupts him. She lets everyone know that she has just heard from her doctor confirming the pregnancy. Camille Donatacci, who married Grammer two months before this episode aired, appears as "Eve."

(Continuing from last week...) HASSAN: Aim the gun at this woman if you are who you say you are, and kill her. (He raises the gun, blinking rapidly. Sydney watches and waits. Hassan watches. The guards all point their guns at him. Jack keeps his gun on Sydney, blinking.) JACK: Shooting this agent proves nothing. HASSAN: To me, it proves everything. You come to me and you make me an offer. You tell me you are willing to work against SD-6 and that you are working alone. And then she shows up. JACK: Obviously, SD-6 sent her here without my knowledge. HASSAN: Well then, you should have no problem whatsoever proving your loyalty to me. Kill this agent and I'll believe you. And accept your offer. And if you choose not to, then I'll just have to say good-bye to both of you. (Jack shoots one of the guards. The guard shoots at Jack. Sydney takes out the guard next to her. Hassan reaches for a gun, but Jack is quicker. He's up on his feet and pointing a gun at him.) JACK: Don't do it! Hands in the air! Now! SYDNEY: It took me a second to realize what you were doing. JACK: I was blinking as fast as I could. SYDNEY: I know. I was like, "Hard on your light"? JACK: Guard on your right. SYDNEY: Well, I figured it out. I was just never very good at morse code. (She sees he has a wound on his upper arm.) SYDNEY: Dad, you were shot. JACK: It's nothing. (to Hassan) Call you guards. Have them meet you out back. We're going out the front. We're fluent in Arabic, so just do as I say. HASSAN: (speaks Arabic) JACK: (speaks Arabic right back) (Hassan takes a walkie talkie and talks to the guards in Arabic. They all run towards the back exit. Jack snatches the walkie talkie away and pushes him out. Jack and Sydney put him in a car. Jack drives out of there with Sydney in the backseat, keeping a gun on Hassan. Along the countryside, they drive along.) HASSAN: So, now what? Take me to the mountains and kill me? JACK: The plan doesn't change. You're still going to give me your client list and I'm still going to make sure SD-6 thinks you're dead. HASSAN: (laughs) I don't care who you work for as long as you let me go. (C.I.A. safehouse in Havana. Hassan poses in a pool of blood. Jack takes pictures.) JACK: Okay, get up. (He does and has a look at his bloody shirt and suit jacket.) HASSAN: Do you know how much this suit cost me? It's not cheap, you know. JACK: Give me your client list. (He brings it up on a Palm Pilot sort of thing.) HASSAN: There you are. You said you had a way for me to get out of Cuba. JACK: Oh, yes, I do. (He elbows him in the face. Hassan falls to the floor, knocked out. Jack starts tying up his hands.) JACK: (to Sydney) Two years ago, of course I knew you were working for SD-6, I heard you'd been sent to Memphis, Egypt to meet with this jackass. It turned my stomach that you were in this business. SYDNEY: Come here. (When Hassan is tied, Jack sits at the table where Sydney has a first aid kit out. She tears his shirt and begins dressing his arm wound.) SYDNEY: I think you've got a lacerated blood vessel. JACK: I'm all right. SYDNEY: Dad, can I ask you something? When you started with SD-6, you knew that they were a mercenary group and that they had no connection with the C.I.A. But I didn't. When I joined, I thought I was going to be saving the world and not making it more dangerous. JACK: What's the question? SYDNEY: Why didn't you say something? I mean, you could have told me what I was really doing - damage instead of good - but you kept quiet. JACK: (sighs) Revealing the truth about what you were doing would have required revealing the truth about what I was doing. (Outside in the middle of nowhere, a helicopter whirs and lands. Their car pulls up. Sydney and Jack tug Hassan out of the car, his hands still tied, and lead him to the chopper. Sydney gets in with Hassan and the other C.I.A. operatives.) JACK: I'll see you. SYDNEY: Okay. (He backs up and watches them leave. He's left alone by his car.) (Self-storage. Sydney meets with Vaughn.) SYDNEY: As Hassan and I were heading to the mainland, my dad contacted SD-6 and told them that Hassan was dead and his mission was successful. So it all wored. SD-6 has no idea I was gone, the C.I.A. has Hassan, and my dad's okay. So, thank you. VAUGHN: I didn't do anything. SYDNEY: You got me into Cuba. (Vaughn looks down.) SYDNEY: And you know what? You were right. VAUGHN: What about? SYDNEY: What hapepens when someone you care about is in trouble. What you said, that nothing else matters. It all just goes away. Last week when I learned what my father did for me, sacrificing Rusik, it made me sick. But now, I know I would hav eodne the exact same thing. You should have seen him. VAUGHN: Your father? SYDNEY: Yeah, he was like... he was like a pro. He was good. I mean, the way you talked about him once, what his reputation was, I could see it in action. He was... impressive. VAUGHN: I got those codes deciphered. Those books your father used to buy for your mother. The ones she had imported twenty-five years ago, those cyrillic codes you found and gave to me. I had N.S.A. look at them. SYDNEY: Yeah? VAUGHN: Yeah. (He gets up and opens a briefcase. He pulls out some files and gives them to her.) SYDNEY: What is this? VAUGHN: Directives. Confirmed KGB orders. SYDNEY: What kind of orders? What do they mean? VAUGHN: It's a list of aliases, of handles... people. SYDNEY: Who? VAUGHN: Those are official code names given by the C.I.A. to over a dozen of our officers. All of whom were killed. SYDNEY: What? VAUGHN: Twenty-five years ago, all killed by an unknown foreign agent. The C.I.A. suspected was KGB. Your suspicions about your father havine once worked for the KGB... they're accurate. SYDNEY: We don't know that for sure. VAUGHN: We know your father was being tracked by an FBI counterintelligence-- SYDNEY: You said that it was routine. VAUGHN: There's nothing routine about that list. There's something very specific about it. It's been a mystery within the agency for over two decades. Who murdered those C.I.A. officers? I'm sorry, but we have our answer now. It was your father. And I'm going to report him. (Jack, who is bandaged and bruised, speaks to Sloane in Sloane's office.) SLOANE: I'm glad you're back safely. To tell you the truth, I was a little nervous. JACK: You know I've been through far worse than Havana. We both have. SLOANE: Yeah, when I didn't hear from you I thought maybe Hassan had gotten a lead. Maybe he knew you were coming. JACK: I was unsure of that myself. But it all worked out. SLOANE: Not for all of us. JACK: No, not for him. SLOANE: Thank you. JACK: It's my job. (Conference room. Jack, Sloane, Dixon, Marshall, Sydney. A picture of Hassan's "murder" that Jack took is up on the screen.) SLOANE: A viscious murder. Anini Hassan has been executed. We may never know who's responsible for this killing, but what we do know is that after word of his death spread, this man was unusually busy. This is Minos Sakulos. He worked very closely with Hassan. Some considered him to be Hassan's second. For the past two days, Sakulos has been scrambling to make contact with Hassan's old clients. Seems he's looking to take over Hassan's work. DIXON: You think Sakulos had Hassan killed? SLOANE: Perhaps. Or maybe he's just taking advantage of an opportunity. We intercepted this call last night. SAKULOS: I know that before his death, you were interested in speaking with Mr. Hassan. MAN: Yes, it was a discussion of a certain... package. SAKULOS: I'm in possession of this package myself. I'm taking bids right now. SYDNEY: The package? SLOANE: Yes, a package. For months we've been hearing rumors about a new device that Hassan had commissioned. We don't know what it is but Hassan was an arms dealer with access to nuclear weapons. We need to know. This is Club Panthera. It's Sakulos's cover. He keeps an office there. Sakulos has set up a meeting with potential clients Thursday night at this club. Your job is to go to Greece, break into Sakulos's office, and retrieve the specs on this mysterious package. Marshall? MARSHALL: Thank you. Um... actually, did anyone see that documentary on-on monkeys last night? Oh, it was great. They did this... sign... I guess... no one saw that. Okay. What we've learned so far is that Sakulos has a biometric scan on his office door which requires a retinal scan in order to open. So, you have the high-resolution retina scanner. (He takes out a pair of funky rose colored glasses.) MARSHALL: They work from up to about thirty feet. Now, Miss Bristow, you'll put these on like so... (He puts them on and once again, looks quite silly.) MARSHALL: And you find the person whose retinas you want. In this case, Sakulos. And you want to make direct, you know, solid eye contact. Look him right--and then uh, Mr. Dixon, you will lock on and hit the scan key. Now, it should take about ten seconds, which I know is kind of a long time but check this out. (From the briefcase that Dixon must use to hit the scan key, a small box is opened to reveal contacts.) MARSHALL: This is a silicone and fluoropolymer compound, creates a set of contact lenses that the retina reader will accept. And... you guys really, you got to check out that documentary on monkeys. It's... I got a copy at home if... (C.I.A. safehouse in L.A. Agents watch Anini Hassan behind the mirror in the room. Vaughn enters.) VAUGHN: It's not so bad here, is it? HASSAN: This is not the deal I agreed to. VAUGHN: So, what can you tell me about the package? (Hassan looks smug and looks away.) VAUGHN: Oh, come on. You're going to have to help me out because under the Patriot Act of 2001, you're not going anywhere. So what I recommend is that you and I work together and I'll make sure you stay comfortable. You wouldn't believe, but there are some nice prisons in this country. Either that, or you don't cooperate, in which case, let's just say you're not going to like your cellmates so much. Now, you don't have to trust me but it might save you some misery. What's the package? HASSAN: Listen, I have a wife and a son. They are a target. Not just SD-6. I've made many enemies in the past. Now, you bring them to the United States, give them protection. You do that for me, and I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Everything. VAUGHN: Let me make one thing very clear, Mr. Hassan. The extent to which I am willing to service you is when I offer you a soda. There is no room for negotations. There are no perks coming your way. You have nothing to gain here! HASSAN: And neither do you! VAUGHN: Think about that! HASSAN: I don't have to! VAUGHN: I'll give you some time to think about that. (In SD-6, Jack walks up to Sydney.) JACK: Sydney... (He takes out his pen descrambler and switches it on.) JACK: In Cuba... I should have said that, uh... I wanted to say thank you for coming. I know that was something that you... that you certainly didn't have to do. SYDNEY: It's okay, Dad. (She starts to walk away.) JACK: Wait. There's something else. There are... um... there are so many things that... that I should probably do. I mean, as a father. Things I should ask... and say. SYDNEY: Dad... it's all right. Really. (She walks away. Jack puts the pen away.) (In the middle of nowhere, Vaughn and Sydney meet. They lean against their respective vehicles.) VAUGHN: Whatever the package is, Hassan's not talking so here's the plan. You'll put on the contact lenses, get into Sakulos' office and record the specs. You, not Dixon. (He gives her a make-up case.) VAUGHN: The compact's a camera, the lipstick's a voice recorder, the lighter's a USB flash RAM drive. Whatever intel you can get, get it for us. (gives her a file) There are some designs for various weapons. You'll photograph these with whatever camera SD-6 gives you. That's what you'll give them when you get back. SYDNEY: Thanks. VAUGHN: Listen, about your father. I know you're reluctant to do anything. SYDNEY: I've been thinking a lot about that... VAUGHN: You know what we have to do. We have to report him to Langley. Now, I could do it myself but those are your books. They'll need your testimony to make a case against him. SYDNEY: He might have been a part of the KGB, but we don't know what role he played in those murders. VAUGHN: You're kidding yourself and you know that. SYDNEY: Let's just say he was guilty. Those directives are twenty-five years old. VAUGHN: There's no statute of limitations against murder. SYDNEY: We need him right now. We will never destroy SD-6 without my father. (Vaughn looks away. He gets something from his car -- files and files of agents.) VAUGHN: Those code names in your father's book... they were people. And they risked their lives - all of them - for this country. And yes, it might have been twenty-five years ago but for each of those lives lost, others were destroyed. SYDNEY: I know. VAUGHN: No, you don't know because you're not thinking about them, you're only thinking about yourself! You made a connection with your father for the first time in your life and turning him in would mean sacrificing that. I understand. But Sydney, we have proof. We know who the victims are. You're holding them in your hands and we know who the killer was and we both know the right thing to do. SYDNEY: Yes, my father probably got those orders from the books and yes, it looks like my father was responsible for those deaths but what youre asking me to do... I just need some time. Not a lot of time. Not forever. Just... please. You wont do anything about this without me? (Vaughn nods a little. She gets in her car and drives away. Vaughn watches her leave and when she's out of sight, he takes out a tape recorder from his jacket pocket and rewinds it. He presses play.) SYDNEY'S VOICE: Yes, my father probably got those orders from the books and yes, it looks like my father was responsible for those deaths-- (He shuts the tape off.) (Athens. At the club, dance music plays and half-naked dancers prance around. Sydney walks in, in disguise, wearing the Marshall glasses.) SYDNEY: I'm going to need another set of eyes. (Dixon is in the building, walking to control room.) DIXON: I'm working on it. (He walks down the stairs and knocks, speaking Greek. A guy answers the door. Dixon presses a cloth to his mouth and the guy goes down.) DIXON: I'm in. Give me a second to locate Sakulos. (He sits behind the desk and looks at all the monitors.) DIXON: Okay, found him. He's through the glass door to your left. (Sydney smiles at the bouncer by the door to her left. She squeezes her way through and gives him a look in thanks. She sees a half-naked girl dancing on the glass ceiling above her head. Inside the private room, she sees Sakulos sitting at a booth with a bunch of women. He sees her and blatantly checks her out. Pure sleaze. She smiles seductively.) SYDNEY: (mutters) He's looking right at me. You got anything yet? DIXON: I'm not getting a lock on the retinas. The lights in the club - they must be disrupting the signal. You'll have to get closer. SYDNEY: (mutters) How much closer? DIXON: In this lighting? How's two inches? SYDNEY: Greeeeeeat. (She waggles her finger at him. Like a drooling puppy, Sakulos gets up and walks to her, inching closer.) SYDNEY: I understand you're the owner of the club. SAKULOS: Well, you are American. SYDNEY: That's right. God bless America. DIXON: I'm getting it Sydney, hold for ten seconds. (She puts an arm around his neck.) SYDNEY: Your dancers... suck. SAKULOS: (imitating her) Suck? (laughs) You think you could do a better job? BODYGUARD: Sir, your eleven o'clock just arrived. He's waiting by the poolside bar. DIXON: No good, we didn't get a read yet. SAKULOS: I have a very important meeting with a client but, um, follow me. (He leads her into a separate room with a bodgyard. When he's about to leave, Sydney grabs him by the arm, inching up to him.) SAKULOS: I'll be back in ten minutes. SYDNEY: I can't wait. (They are so close, they could kiss.) DIXON: Got it! (Sakulos leaves and speaks Greek to the bodyguard. He locks the door.) DIXON: Okay, the contacts are ready. Syd, meet me by the restrooms. (He gets the contacts out.) SYDNEY: Excuse me, I have to go. BODYGUARD: Mr. Sakulos has invited you to stay. SYDNEY: I need a drink. BODYGUARD: We will be happy to ahve whatever you like, brought here. SYDNEY: I'd rather get it myself. BODYGUARD: I think you'd be much more comfortable if you stayed here. SYDNEY: Oh, really? You do? (She kicks his ass, kicking him several times. He's conked out. Sydney steals his keys and scrambles for the lock, trying all the keys.) DIXON: You okay? SYDNEY: Yeah, except that I'm locked in this pervert's room. DIXON: I'm closer to Sakulos' room and I have the contacts. SYDNEY: No, Dixon, really, I want to do this myself. DIXON: I'll download the blueprints of the package off of Sakulos' computer! (Sydney scrambles to unlock the door.) SYDNEY: No, Dixon! DIXON: Just get out of there in one piece! I'll meet you outside when I'm done! SYDNEY: Damn it! (Dixon has the contacts in and runs to the office door. He passes the scan and goes inside. Sydney, meanwhile, finally unlocks the door. She sees a guard and runs the other way. Dixon starts downloading the contents of the computer. Sydney, running away from the pervert's room, comes in to another room where half-naked women with sleazy men are everywhere in the private lounge. Suddenly, a guy grabs her from behind. Sakulos comes closer, cackling.) SAKULOS: Are you auditioning to be a dancer, eh? Or a bouncer, eh? (The download is complete. Dixon starts to leave. Sakulos inches closer to Sydney.) SAKULOS: Hmm. I can't quite decide if you are... my taste. (He licks her face from the chin up to her eye. Sydney closes her eyes, seething. Dixon bursts in.) DIXON: Sydney! (Sydney head bunts Sakulos and kicks him in the stomach. He flies backwards. Dixon takes out the guard who was holding Sydney back.) DIXON: Syd, let's go! (They run out.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Los Angeles at the C.I.A. safehouse, Hassan has a plate of food in front of him. He stares at a green been, disgusted. Vaughn enters.) VAUGHN: How's the food? So, Mr. Hassan, you've had some time to think about it. You want to help me out? HASSAN: Screw you. VAUGHN: Screw me? HASSAN: Screw you. I don't talk to you until you show me some respect. VAUGHN: Let's be honest here. In twenty minutes, you're going to be shipped off to a maximum-security prison outside Los Angeles. By five pm, you're going to be someone's after-dinner mint. So unless you start cooperating with me real fast, respect is going to be the least of your problems. (Hassan doesn't comply. Vaughn shrugs and starts to walk out.) HASSAN: Wait. You still refuse to help get my family out of Argentina? VAUGHN: I told you, that's not part of the deal. But if you help me out, I'll make sure you stay comfortable. HASSAN: Okay. I have a stockpile of weapons. Not in Egypt; I knew that's where my enemies would look. The package, and other weapons, are in a silo in Greece, on the island of Crete. (Blood donor van on campus.) SYDNEY: He licked my face. VAUGHN: I understand. SYDNEY: You don't really. He licked my face. You want to know the worst part? Because of him, I didn't succeed. Because of him, Dixon accessed the information, the C.I.A. got nothing, and SD-6 ended up with what they wanted. I want to go to Crete myself. I want to find the stockpile Hassan told you about, get the package, and bring it back. VAUGHN: I just don't feel it's the right time for the C.I.A. to send you anywhere without SD-6's knowledge. We just did that with Cuba. I think it's too dangerous. SYDNEY: Then we can use my father. (Vaughn gets uncomfortable.) SYDNEY: He can give Sloane the intel and we'll make it an SD-6 mission. VAUGHN: Okay. (looks down) That's not why I called you. SYDNEY: I know. Listen, if we turn in my father, that'll jeopordize what you and I are doing here. It might even-- SYDNEY'S VOICE: Yes, my father probably got those orders from the books and yes, it looks like my father was responsible for those deaths-- (Sydney turns around and stares at Vaughn. He shuts off the tape.) VAUGHN: (sighs) I figured turning in your father would be too difficult for you so I mde this tape the last time we were together. I was going to play it for Devlin. Maybe use it in court someday. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. (He pops out the tape and gives it to her.) VAUGHN: I'm only telling you this because I thought I owed you that much. For some reason. I know this is a personal thing for you. The idea of reporting your father is a horrible position to be in. But it's a personal thing for me too, Sydney. Those files I showed you of the C.I.A. officers who were killed... (He turns around and gets a file out.) VAUGHN: I left one out. (Vaughn gives her the hseet. She looks. A picture of a man is shown and his name is William C. Vaughn. Michael's father.) VAUGHN: I made an appointment to meet with Devlin on Monday to report your father. Are you with me? (Staring at the profile on Michael's dead father, she slightly nods.) (Will's house. Sydney pulls up and climbs out of her vehicle. She climbs the steps, slowly, and knocks. Will peers at her through his blinds and sees her tear-streaked face. He opens the door right away.) WILL: Hi. What's the matter? SYDNEY: Is Jenny here? WILL: What? Oh. No. No. Come on in, come in. (Inside his house, Sydney sits down on his couch. He sits on the coffee table across from her.) WILL: (quietly) What's wrong? (She cries. He rubs her shoulder.) WILL: Hey, hey... (He sits next to her, rubbing her shoulder softly.) WILL: Hey, come here. (She rests her head on his shoulder. He keeps rubbing her shoulder. She gingerly takes his hand in hers, crying softly. Will puts his arm around her. Sydney lays back on the couch and takes Will down with her, never leaving go of his hand. He spoons behind her on the couch while she continues to cry.) WILL: Can you tell me what's wrong? SYDNEY: I just want to stay here for a while, if that's okay. WILL: Of course. (He watches her close her eyes with his arm still around her, Sydney still holding his hand.) (Sydney walks into SD-6. She drops a note in front of Jack. He looks up.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Dad, I know you've made mistakes. We both have. I know, given the chance, you'd go back and take a different path. And that you'd right the things you did wrong. My point is, something went wrong last week and I have a chance to correct it. But I need your help. Please. You have to make Sloane believe that you've recieved intenl about Hassan's weapons stockpile. (Sydney looks back and nods at him.) (Jack walks in Sloane's office.) JACK: Arvin, we just recieved some intel. I think we have the location of Hassan's weapons stockpile. (Conference room with Sloane, Sydney and Jack.) SLOANE: You're looking at an E.M. refractor used to cloak missiles. It's being stored on the island of Crete. Thanks to your father's middle eastern contacts, we know where to go. SYDNEY: Good work. SLOANE: You go to Marshall, he'll review the op tech. You'll leave in the morning. SYDNEY: Okay. (Crete. Sydney looks through a pair of binoculars as Sakulos closes the silo doors and walks to his vehicle. He turns over the engine and drives away.) SYDNEY: Sakulos is leaving the bunker. (Back in Los Angeles at the C.I.A., Agent Weiss and Vaughn are sitting in a control room watching.) VAUGHN: We've got him on satellite relay, Syd. SYDNEY: See any guards? VAUGHN: Hassan says there won't be any. The bunker was designed to look abandoned. The E.M. refractor is in a secure department underground. SYDNEY: Copy that. (She goes in. Climbing a fence, she drops the ground and runs to the silo. She opens the door and goes in. Back at the C.I.A...) VAUGHN: Go infrared. (Weiss does so.) WEISS: It's clear. VAUGHN: Syd, you're clear. (She looks around and starts going down the sairs.) SYDNEY: Okay. I'm in. Where to? VAUGHN: There's a stairwell on the left. Go down to the lower level. (With a flashlight, she goes down.) SYDNEY: It's a dead end. (At the C.I.A., we pan over to reveal Hassan sitting next to Vaughn.) HASSAN: There is a valve halfway up on the left. She needs to turn it clockwise. VAUGHN: Syd, turn to your left. There's a valve. Turn it clockwise. SYDNEY: Copy. HASSAN: A panel will open. She'll find a keypad behind it. VAUGHN: You should find a keypad. (Sydney does.) SYDNEY: What's the code? VAUGHN: The code. HASSAN: Pi to six digits. VAUGHN: The code is 314159. (Sydney punches it in. The doors slide open. She goes inside and looks around. The silo is more like a warehouse; it's huge.) SYDNEY: Where do I look? VAUGHN: Hassan says to look for black shipping cases. (She sees them and starts pulling them open and throwing them aside until she gets it.) SYDNEY: I found the refractor. (Suddenly, the doors start to close. Sydney tries running to it with the refractor in hand, but doesn't get there in time.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, I think this is a set-up! (The lights go out and then emergency lights come on.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, what's going on? The room just went into lockdown! (Back at the C.I.A...) VAUGHN: What the hell did you just do? HASSAN: I gave you the wrong code. Your agent has activated an anti-intruder device. (Sakulos is driving in his Jeep along the road when he listens to the radio and hears the message about the intruder back at the silo.) (Back at the C.I.A...) HASSAN: In a few seconds, the room will be filled with gasoline. Exactly one minute afte rthat, a flame will ignite. (In the silo, nozzles start coming down from the ceiling. Sydney looks up.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, talk to me... (At the C.I.A., Vaughn takes out his gun and points it at Hassan.) VAUGHN: Give me the deactivation code. (In the silo, gas starts spraying on Sydney. She covers her face.) SYDNEY: Vaughn... (At the C.I.A., Vaughn still has his gun pointed at Hassan.) HASSAN: Not until I have an agreement, in writing, signed by your superiors, guaranteeing that my family will be allowed entry in your witness protection program. VAUGHN: Give me the code, you son of a bitch, or I'll pull the trigger! HASSAN: I have no doubt that's true. (Hassan sits back smugly. Vaughn, not taking his gun or his eyes off Hassan, pulls off his headset with which he was communicating with Sydney.) VAUGHN: (to Weiss) Start typing. WEISS: Me?! (Vaughn runs out.) (In the silo, Sydney runs for cover, trying to get out of the way of the gasoline spray. In the C.I.A. building, Vaughn starts climbing the stairs two at a time, going floor to floor. Sydney coughs, covering her mouth with her hand, getting soaked with gasoline. Vaughn keeps climbing the stairs. Sydney coughs.) (In the control room, Weiss quickly types on a computer.) HASSAN: You misspelled "Enali." WEISS: Shut up! (Vaughn bursts through Director Devlin's office, panting.) VAUGHN: Sorry, Mr. Devlin-- DEVLIN: What are you doing?! VAUGHN: If I don't get your signature on a protection order for Anini Hassan's family in the next forty seconds, Sydney Bristow will die. (Sydney coughs, completely covered in gasoline. Devlin and Vaughn walk into the control room just as Weiss prints off the agreement.) WEISS: Here. (Devlin takes a pen from his shirt pocket and starts to sign it.) DEVLIN: My pen. (It ran out of ink. Vaughn gives him one from his shirt pocket. He signs it.) VAUGHN: Give me the code! (Hassan looks over the agreement.) HASSAN: 766153. (Vaughn gets back on the headset.) VAUGHN: The code is 766153! (Sydney punches it in on a keypad on the wall. The gasoline stops. She coughs, gasping for breath, covering her mouth.) SYDNEY: Vaughn... thank you... (Everyone in the C.I.A. room takes a deep breath. In the silo, Sakulos walks in with a gun raised.) SYDNEY: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! The room is full of gasoline! SAKULOS: What the hell are you doing here? (He takes out a knife instead of a gun and tries attacking her. He makes a move to stab her, but she kicks him. They fight. He has the knife raised and is about to stab her when Sydney moves out of the way and the knife drives into the security keypad on the wall. Sydney runs out. He sees the panel spark from his knife that went into it.) SAKULOS: AAHHHHHH! (Sydney flops down on the ground outside the silo, refractor in her arms, as the silo explodes beneath her.) (Los Angeles. Vaughn and Sydney meet on a sidewalk, both of them looking in a store window.) VAUGHN: You're amazing. SYDNEY: I am not amazing. VAUGHN: You did a great job. (pause) You sure you're ready to meet with Devlin? SYDNEY: Yeah. (You can tell she's not really sure.) VAUGHN: Okay. A taxi will pick you up at three o'clock. Northwest corner of Westwood and Wilshire. They'll get you into the agency through the underground garage. SYDNEY: Okay. (She leaves.) (C.I.A. Vaughn and Sydney sit at a long table. Sydney's books are in front of her. They both look nervous.) VAUGHN: You sure you're all right? (The doors open and various agents begin to filter in.) SYDNEY: It's a big meeting. VAUGHN: I know, I don't get it... (Devlin is the last one to walk in... with Jack. Sydney looks at him, confused, and watches as he comes to the head of the table and sits down next to Devlin.) JACK: This is C.I.A. director Devlin, deputy director Tucker, executive director Gerstner, and these are senior officers Haleys, Stafford and Collum. I knew weeks ago that my file had been pulled and that you were suspicious of my activities twenty-five years ago regarding the KGB. When I learned that you had scheduled a meeting with Mr. Devlin regarding my... history, I knew that it was time. Let me say that, in advance, I'm sorry to make this such a public display but I felt it was important to do this in front of these people because they already know the truth and because I didn't think that you would believe me otherwise. Those cyrillic codes you found in those books - yes, they were orders from the KGB and yes, they were orders to kill. An agent recieved those orders and carried them out, murdering officers of the C.I.A., including your father, Mr. Vaughn. All this is true. But, Sydney, I was not that agent. Your mother was.

Plan: A: her father; Q: Who does Sydney admire after he saves her life? A: a case; Q: What was Sydney's father on in Havana? A: her admiration; Q: What is short lived? A: Vaughn; Q: Who discovers evidence that Jack may have been responsible for the deaths of over a dozen CIA officers? A: 25 years earlier; Q: How long ago did Vaughn's father die? A: the meeting; Q: Where does Sydney see her father? A: Laura Bristow; Q: Who was Sydney's mother? A: KGB; Q: What organization did Sydney's mother work for? Summary: Sydney is grateful and proud of her father after he saves her life while on a case in Havana but her admiration is short lived when Vaughn discovers further evidence that Jack may have been responsible for the deaths of over a dozen CIA officers 25 years earlier, one of them his own father. After thinking it over carefully, Sydney decides to speak against her father in front of senior CIA agents. But she is surprised to see him at the meeting, where he himself tells her that yes, he was involved but he was not the assassin. She's shocked to learn that Laura Bristow , her mother, was in fact one Irina Derevko , undercover agent for the KGB, who infiltrated the US to obtain intelligence and murder key agents.

LUCAS : Previously on "One Tree Hill"... JASON : You're dismissing me from my own band? HALEY : Yes. Only it's not your band anymore. I just kicked you out. JASON : Mia, let's go. MIA : I think I'm gonna stay JASON : You're an idiot MOUTH : I'm gonna head home. I'm not feeling very well. ALICE : Well, maybe you're not on-air material after all. HALEY : Don't get mad at Lindsey. PEYTON : I'm not mad at her. HALEY : You sound mad at her. PEYTON : Maybe I just don't like her. HALEY : You don't have to... (Lindsay, on the other side of the pane, hearing what they are saying) LINDSAY : I'm gonna go, Haley. PEYTON : I want to pay rent. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'll figure it out. PEYTON : I just -- whatever this is, I don't feel right about it. HALEY : Carrie... could you not wear a bikini in the pool? INTERIOR, CLUB TRIC All the friends are together at the bar BROOKE : All right, guys, bring it in. It has been way too long since we all hung out together, and this is the first time we're all drinking together... legally, that is. So, here's to hanging with our crew... the old and the new... and to everyone getting what they want. HALEY : I guess one shot won't kill us, huh? (all drinking their glass) HALEY : Maybe it will. Brooke, what was that? BROOKE : I wanted something that would remind everyone of me, so they mixed their most popular liquor with their sweetest. The bartender did name it a "Brooke Davis." BROOKE : Isn't that right? OWEN : Actually, I think you named it that. BROOKE : Well... OWEN : I call it tequila and grenadine. HALEY : It's disgusting. BROOKE : You know, not many people can handle a Brooke Davis. OWEN : It's definitely one of a kind. Lucas and Lindsay, alone LINDSAY : I don't know about the old crew, but the new crew is ready to go home. LUCAS : I thought you wanted to see the Honorary Title. LINDSAY : I thought I could handle being around Peyton-- who hates me, by the way-- but I was wrong. LUCAS : Look, Tric's a big place, okay? Avoiding her shouldn't be too difficult. LINDSAY : Oh, I'll have no problem avoiding her. It's you I'm worried about. Nathan and Haley, sitting at the bar HALEY : Thank you. Water? NATHAN : I wasn't even planning on drinking until Brooke forced her... self on us. (Haley is laughing) NATHAN : It's my turn to be responsible for a change. HALEY : You know, you've really come a long way in the last month, and... I'm glad to have you back. So is Jamie. NATHAN : Oh, really? How come I wasn't invited to hang out with him and the guys, then? HALEY : Skills has been really strict about this "no parent" rule. And besides, Jamie's sleepover means you and I have the house to ourselves for a little... private afterparty. NATHAN : My own personal champagne room? HALEY : Yeah. Except you're the stripper. (Quentin passing by the bar) QUENTIN : Jack and coke, bro. OWEN : You got it. QUENTIN : Coach and teach. What y'all two doin' here, man? HALEY : We should be asking you the same thing. QUENTIN : Me? Nah. I'm just taking a study break from "Les Mis." NATHAN : Well, don't stay out too late. We got an early-morning practice. QUENTIN : Oh, all work and no player? Come on, man. Ain't I been on time for every practice? NATHAN : Yeah. You have been good. QUENTIN : What can I say, man? I'm learning from the best. NATHAN : You could learn a lot more from Nathan than just basketball. Mia, joining Peyton who's sitting on a couch, inside the club MIA : Thanks for the invite. I'm usually at home online on saturday nights. PEYTON : Okay, we're gonna have to work on your rock-star image. MIA : This should help. I can't tell you how much I love the Honorary Title. PEYTON : Oh, good. How would you like to open for them? (Mia, freaking out) MIA : When? Tonight? PEYTON : Yeah. It's one song... one song to open up. And I didn't even have to unbutton a button. MIA : Why didn't you give me any notice? I'm not ready. I look awful. I don't even have a band, Peyton. PEYTON : This is why I didn't tell you... I was scared you were gonna run off and disappear again. But you look great. And you can warm up in my office, and the house band will back you. MIA : I hate you. Millicent, arriving at TRIC, welcomed by Brooke BROOKE : Hey! Where have you been? MILLICENT : Closing the store, when Victoria came in and made me take inventory. (Brooke sighing) MILLICENT : Don't get upset, but I may have let it slip that I was meeting you here. BROOKE : It's fine Milly, we have more important things to worry about, like your big date. I think you look great, but we need an impartial opinion. Hey, Owen! Yeah, yeah. Hi, hi. How does she look? Hot, right? She's wearing a Clothes Over Bro's original. OWEN : You're the prettiest girl in the room. BROOKE : Did you hear that, Milly? You're the second-prettiest girl in the room. I can't wait to see the look on Mouth's face when he finds out he's on a date with you. MILLICENT : He doesn't know it's a date? BROOKE : Relax. Owen doesn't know we're on a date, either, but that's not stopping me. Hey, Owen. Thanks. Carrie arriving at the club, walking toward Nathan who's still sitting at the bar, alone CARRIE : Hey, you. NATHAN : Hey. You look nice. CARRIE : Ah, thanks. I keep thinking it's gonna fall off. Where's Haley? NATHAN : I think she's in the ladies' room. CARRIE : (asking the bartender) Hey. Two shots. OWEN : How's tequila? CARRIE : Good. NATHAN : I'm not drinking tonight. CARRIE : Do you need to use the ladies' room, too? NATHAN : I'm trying to be good. CARRIE : I'm not. Peyton, walking to see Lucas who's at the bar alone LUCAS : What's this? PEYTON : Rent. Sorry it's late. LUCAS : You don't have to do that. PEYTON : No, I really do. LUCAS : Well, I'm not taking it. PEYTON : Fine. I'll mail it. (Lindsay joining Lucas at the bar) LINDSAY : What was that about? LUCAS : She had a rent check for me. I didn't take it. LINDSAY : Why not? LUCAS : I don't feel right accepting money from Peyton, all right? We've been friends for too long. LINDSAY : I hate to break it to you, but most guys aren't friends with their exes. LUCAS : Peyton's different. Look, I know I said we could try avoiding her, but... maybe we should work this thing out. At least say something to her. LINDSAY : Fine. Let's go. (Lindsay walking toward Peyton, on the other side of the bar) LINDSAY : You know when you said you don't like me? Well, I don't like you either. (Lindsay, looking at Lucas) There. I said something. Mouth is sitting at the bar, writing a text message on his cellphone "At Tric. With friends". Brooke's coming and sits beside him BROOKE : You gonna order a Brooke Davis? MOUTH : If only it were that easy. BROOKE : I brought you a present. It's over there, wrapped in green, and you should ask very nicely before you try and unwrap it. MOUTH : Brooke, I-I don't know. BROOKE : What? Are you seeing someone? MOUTH : No, I... well, I... BROOKE : Darling, that was rhetorical. Come on. (both walking toward Millicent) BROOKE : Mouth, Milly. Milly, Mouth. Fall in love, get married, invite me to the wedding, and sit me next to a really hot guy. MOUTH : We met at the Clothes Over Bro's opening. You're Brooke's assistant. MILLICENT : - Yeah... Millicent. MOUTH : Well, that's a great job. I was pretty much her assistant in high school, so... Haley walking to see Lindsay HALEY : Hey! You lightened your hair. It looks awesome. LINDSAY : Thanks. You and Nathan look great, too. It must be nice to have him up and walking. HALEY : Yes. I think I was more excited about his first steps than I was Jamie's, which is terrible. So, how are you doing? Are you, um, are you still upset about that Peyton thing? LINDSAY : Not as upset as I am that Lucas snock off to see her the other night. HALEY : He did not. Why? LINDSAY : I haven't asked. I'm not so sure I want to know. HALEY : You should ask him. It's probably nothing. LINDSAY : I know. It's just... suddenly, everything we do involves Peyton somehow. HALEY : Well, that's not true. (Peyton interrupts them) PEYTON : Hey. I'm sorry. Whenever you get a second, I need to talk to you, okay? HALEY : Sure. Maybe it's a little true. Lucas, finding Quentin with an alcohol drink at the bar LUCAS : All right. That better not be yours. QUENTIN : Aw, nah, man. It ain't mine. I don't even drink shots. Please. I-I'm more of a... I'm not old enough. LUCAS : Well, then whose is it? (Nathan passing by and sitting at the bar) NATHAN : Oh, that's mine. Just walked away for a second. LUCAS : Walking away... sounds like a good idea. (Quentin leaves and Lucas sits beside Nathan while Owen comes to serve him a drink) OWEN : Lucas, right? LUCAS : Yeah. OWEN : This is for you. (Owen pours a drink to Lucas with just Peyton's check, Peyton, on the other side of the bar is watching) LUCAS : Why are women so screwed up? NATHAN : Let me guess... Peyton. LUCAS : How'd you know? NATHAN : 'Cause she sent you a drink with a check in it. LUCAS : Yeah, we're having a tough time with the whole "friends" thing. How did you two do it so easily? NATHAN : I make everything look easy. LUCAS : Nate... NATHAN : Peyton and I were never in love. LUCAS : Yeah, well, Lindsey's mad at me, too. NATHAN : And yet you seem more upset about Peyton. LUCAS : I'm gonna go find Lindsey. NATHAN : All right. (Lucas leaves and Carrie comes to Nathan) CARRIE : Oh. You bought me a drink? NATHAN : Not exactly. CARRIE : What were you and Lucas talking about? NATHAN : Exes. CARRIE : Girlfriends or wives? Millicent and Mouth, sitting at a table talking MOUTH : So, then she comes out of the bedroom wearing a cape, and she tries to convert me to scientology. And then she goes to get me a cape, and I am crawling out the window. MILLICENT : Well, at least you go on dates. Guys are usually only nice to me so they can meet Brooke Davis. MOUTH : Really? You know Brooke Davis? MILLICENT : Very funny. (Mouth receives a text message from Alice "Glad you're feeling better. What time should I expect you tonight?) MILLICENT : Do you need to answer that? MOUTH : Uh, no. It's just work. Brooke at the bar BROOKE : (signing an autograph )Thanks. OWEN : Kind of pathetic. BROOKE : What is? OWEN : Paying people to ask for your autograph so you look famous. BROOKE : Okay, I don't mean to brag, but half the people in this club are wearing my designs. OWEN : Well, I don't mean to brag either, but everybody in this club is drinking one of my drinks. CUSTOMER : Hey, Owen. Another round. OWEN : Looks like I'm famous, too. (Owen goes toward the customer and Peyton arrives to see Brooke) BROOKE : I bet you we have s*x right on this bar. PEYTON : Okay. Wait till I leave, please. Look, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your mom... BROOKE : I know... is a total bitch. I get it. PEYTON : No. I mean, yes, but she's also... here. BROOKE : What? (Brooke looks at Victoria on the other side of the club, drinking and talking) Oh, mother f... Brooke with Victoria in the club BROOKE : Mother. What the hell are you doing here? VICTORIA : Will you keep your voice down? I don't want the guys in here to know I'm a mother. BROOKE : Why? You want them to think you're a prostitute? VICTORIA : I noticed you rescheduled the Macy's meeting without talking to me. BROOKE : I did. Because you work for me, not the other way around. VICTORIA : Ah, yes. And you've made that crystal clear. And since you seem to think you can do everything... I finally have time to party. BROOKE : You're embarrassing. VICTORIA : You won't listen to reason, so maybe embarrassing you out of town is the answer. (Victoria is starting to dance) BROOKE : Do whatever you want... not gonna affect me. VICTORIA : We'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] Haley finding Peyton at the bar HALEY : Hey. There you are. What do you need? PEYTON : Oh, I just wanted to interrupt you and Lindsey. Told Mia she was opening tonight. HALEY : Great. Is she excited? PEYTON : Kinda. Haley and Peyton finding Mia playing pool in a private room at the club HALEY : Mia. Hey, are you okay? MIA : No. I'm not okay. I'm pretty far from right now. I've never performed in front of a crowd before-- I mean, alone. Well, I take that back. I sang in my school play when I was 8, and Terry Adams made me cry. You know, what if I choke? What if everybody laughs at me? What if I'm so bad, I destroy Peyton's label? (while talking, Mia put every ball in the hole) HALEY : You realize you just made every shot, right? That's amazing. MIA : I always play well when I'm not thinking about it. HALEY : Okay, great. So when you get up onstage, don't think-- just play. MIA : What if I fail? HALEY : Well, people fail sometimes. Look at Peyton. PEYTON : Hey! HALEY : Mia, you're not gonna fail. I promise. Back inside of the club, Mouth and Millicent MILLICENT : Okay, it's like "rock, paper, scissors," only it's called "ninja, bear, hunter." MOUTH : And why do you play this, again? MILLICENT : I don't get out much. MOUTH : Okay. MILLICENT : Okay. On the count of three. One... two... three. (Mouth imitates a bear and Millicent a hunter) MOUTH : All right. Hunter gets bear. Okay. (Mouth sees Alice sitting on the other side of the club, alone, looking at him) MOUTH : Could you excuse me for a second? MILLICENT : Sure. MOUTH : I'll be right back. Mouth and Alice inside the club ALICE : Well, now, that looked kinky. Want to try it naked? MOUTH : What are you doing here? ALICE : Looking for you. Come on, let's get out of here. (Mouth looks at Millicent) MOUTH : Listen, Alice, I think... I think maybe we went a little fast. I like you, and I like my job. ALICE : Marvin... it's fine. Go have fun. Enjoy your evening. MOUTH : Thanks, Alice. (Mouth goes back to see Millicent) Haley meeting Nathan at the bar HALEY : I'm sorry I haven't been around. Mia's performing tonight, and she's really nervous. How have you been? NATHAN : I never realized how boring bars can be without alcohol. NATHAN : Yeah. Tell me about it. (Bkooke joins them) BROOKE : Tric needs to establish a "no mom" rule. HALEY : I'm a mom! BROOKE : You don't count. You got married and pregnant before you graduated high school. You'll be safely locked in a home by the time you're 35. HALEY : Good talking to you, Brooke. I got to get Mia backstage. I'll see you in a bit. (Brooke and Haley take off at the same time, leaving Nathan alone) NATHAN : It's good talking to both of you. Lucas and Peyton in the club LUCAS : (handing Peyton's check) I'm not taking this. PEYTON : Luke, if any other tenant wanted the office, you would charge them rent. LUCAS : Yeah, but you're not just any other tenant. PEYTON : I am now. LUCAS : Peyton, just... PEYTON : Look, if you keep talking to me, you're gonna get in trouble. (Lindsay is watching them) Owen and Brooke at the bar OWEN : Something on your mind? BROOKE : No, but my mom is on my last nerve. You got anything for that? OWEN : Yeah...alcohol. (Owen's pouring Brooke's drink) So, what'd your mom do? BROOKE : I'll give you one guess. (both are looking at Victoria on the other side of the bar) OWEN : That's your mom? BROOKE : No. OWEN : Oh, my God, it is. I feel like I'm looking into the future here. It's a rough road ahead, by the way. BROOKE : Okay, we're not talking anymore. VICTORIA : Owen... OWEN : Well, looks like your future self's calling. What do you like to drink in 20 years? BROOKE : Poison. Carrie and Nathan at the bar NATHAN (watching Carrie drinking) : I wonder if Haley knows what kind of girl she hired to watch our son. CARRIE : What kind of girl is that, exactly? NATHAN : The kind of girl that drinks like a fish... and goes skinny-dipping late at night, when everyone else is asleep. CARRIE : Oh, my God. I-I... I didn't know anyone was around. I am so embarrassed. Haley asked me not to wear a bikini, and then I do something even dumber. I am so sorry. I completely understand if you want to fire me. NATHAN : No. Look, no one's gonna fire you, okay? You do a great job, and Jamie loves you. I'm just telling you to be careful, because if Haley had caught you, this would be a very different conversation. CARRIE : You didn't tell her? NATHAN : No. You made a mistake, right? It's not the end of the world. Haley doesn't need to know everything. (Nathan leaves) CARRIE : No, she doesn't. Lucas and Lindsay in the bar LUCAS : Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. LINDSAY : Well, if you keep looking next to Peyton, you're never gonna find me. But I guess sneaking around with her at Tric is your new thing. LUCAS : Okay, what's going on with you? LINDSAY : Why'd you sneak over here the her night? I saw your car parked outside. LUCAS : So that's why you've been so upset? Why didn't you tell me sooner? LINDSAY : No, Luke. You should have told me. LUCAS : I didn't sneak here. I wasn't even planning on coming here. I saw the light on, and I tried to convince my friend to be nicer to the girl that I love. LINDSAY : Right. See, I'm still trying to figure out which is which. (Lindsay leaves) LUCAS : Lindsey. Linds. Brooke and Peyton at the bar PEYTON : I need a new office. BROOKE : Yeah, the one you have right now is far too big and free. PEYTON : I'll settle for small and expensive. As long as it's not Lindsey-adjacent. BROOKE : Tell me I don't look like her when I dance. (Brooke pointing Victoria who's dancing on the dance floor) Tell me I don't look like her when I dance! PEYTON : Okay. If you tell me Lindsey's a bitch. BROOKE : Oh, my mom's a bitch. Lindsey's a bitch. Is there a woman here tonight you haven't called a bitch? PEYTON : Well, I can think of one. BROOKE : Lindsey is just threatened by you. PEYTON : Why? It's not like I'm even after Lucas. BROOKE : So you keep saying. PEYTON : What? You don't believe me? Okay. Fine. Whatever. But for the record-- you look exactly like her when you dance! Bitch! (Peyton leaves) BROOKE : I do not. Millicent joining Mouth at the bar MOUTH : Hey. So, what were we talking about before you left? MILLICENT : How cute you are. MOUTH : Really? I-I think I would have remembered that. (Mouth receives an another text message from Alice "Kiss her and you're fired. Love. Alice") MILLICENT : I'm really glad Brooke set us up. (Millicent tries to kiss Mouth but he avoids it) MILLICENT : I'm sorry. OWEN : I hate it when hot girls hit on me, too. Haley, Peyton and Mia in the pool room again MIA : What's the first line of my song? HALEY : Didn't you write it? MIA : So not the point right now. PEYTON : Okay. Relax. You're gonna be great, Mia. And, honestly, what is the worst thing that could happen? (Mia watching through the door and seeing Jason arriving at the club) MIA : He just walked in. Jason at the bar hitting on Carrie JASON : Can I buy you a drink? CARRIE : Actually, my date took care of that. JASON : Well, we're halfway there, then. (Nathan arrives and sit next to Carrie) NATHAN : I hope you're not trying to sit on my lap. JASON : I'm just looking for someone to dance with. NATHAN : No, thanks. JASON (looking at Carrie while leaving) : You know where to find me. CARRIE : I've never seen your jealous side before. NATHAN : And you still haven't. CARRIE : Okay. (Carries leaves and Quentin arrives) QUENTIN : What up, Nate? Yo, thanks for having my back earlier in front of old man Scott. NATHAN : Quentin, how stupid are you for trying to drink in the same club as your coach? QUENTIN : Look who's talking... you flirtin' with that hot nanny in the same club as your wife. NATHAN : I'm not flirting with anyone. QUENTIN : Oh, okay. You had my back, so I got yours, but I know flirtin' when I see it. And... it look like she does, too, bro. Haley, Peyton and Mia still in the private place PEYTON : Okay. She's almost on. How's she doing? HALEY : I think she'll be okay as long as the only lyrics to her songs are: "why is Jason here?", "why is Jason here?" MIA : Why is Jason here? PEYTON : Because I invited him. MIA : I'm sorry. You what? PEYTON : Look, Mia, most people dream of the chance to stand up to the person that's kept them down. This is yours. MIA : Someone just tell me the first line of my song, please. HALEY : It's "I never feared the unexpected." MAN (announcing in the other room) : Ladies and gentlemen, Mia Catalano. PEYTON : Okay. You're on. (Mia goes to the stage) HALEY : Really? You invited Jason? PEYTON : Oh, hell no. Mia on stage, ready to start her song MIA : Hi JASON : You suck! Get off the stage, ho! NATHAN : Hey. Why don't you shut the hell up? JASON : Choke. (Mia start her song) Brooke and Lucas at the bar LUCAS : Brooke. Will you do me a favor? BROOKE : If it involves drinking and flirting with the hot bartender, then yes, I can. LUCAS : You like Peyton and Lindsey, right? BROOKE : What kind of favor is this? LUCAS : I was hoping maybe you could talk to them. BROOKE : I'd love to help you, Luke, but I honestly don't see the point. I like Lindsey, but Peyton is my best friend. And does either one of us really believe she didn't come back here for you? Victoria at the bar with Owen VICTORIA : What's that? OWEN : It's called a bitter shrew. It's from her. (Pointing at Peyton who's enjoying the music) Mia on stage at the end of her song MIA (to the crowd): Thank you so much. Brooke and Mouth at the bar BROOKE : Hey. What happened with you and Milly? MOUTH : I just don't think it's good timing right now. I've been really busy with work lately. BROOKE (putting her hand on Mouth forehead) : Are you feeling okay? I hand-deliver a hot girl to you, and you're worried about work? My mother would want to adopt you. MOUTH : Listen, I'm having enough problems with older ladies running my life. BROOKE : What are you talking about? MOUTH : I've kind of been seeing my boss. BROOKE : Define "seeing." MOUTH : Sleeping with. BROOKE : Define "sleeping with." (Mouth looks at Brooke) BROOKE : Waow... Well... I wish you'd told me before I got Milly all worked up. MOUTH : Oh, Millicent was great. I really liked her. I-I just... Alice is considering me for an on-air position, and those are hard to get. BROOKE : Marvin McFadden, did I just hear you correctly? What have you become? MOUTH : I know. I know. Things have just gotten complicated... BROOKE : So uncomplicate them. (Brooke is writing Millicent number on a napkin) BROOKE : When you find the boy that I used to know... you should have him give Milly a call. You have two choices... you can use the number or use the napkin. MOUTH : I'm sorry. I-I can't. (Mouth leaves) VOICE (in the background) : Please welcome the Honorary Title! In the middle of the crowd MIA : Thank you, Jason. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been so good. JASON : You think you were good? The only reason people were clapping is I told them you were retarded. HALEY : You're just upset because the talent left your band. JASON : Not as upset as I am that you left your granny panties in my bed. (Jason slaps Haley's butt and Nathan starts to push him away) HALEY : Nathan! Nathan! Hey! He's not worth it, okay? Let it go! JASON : Yeah, it's not worth it, Nathan. NATHAN : You're lucky. (Quentin arrives and punch Jason) QUENTIN : You ain't that lucky. Victoria and Brooke inside the club VICTORIA : You're so right. Tree Hill is so much better than Milan. VICTORIA : You are acting like an idiot. BROOKE : And you are acting like a child. The difference is, I know my behavior's ridiculous. Since returning to this god-awful town, you've lost your way. BROOKE : Really? Is that what you think, mom? Because I feel like I have finally found it. I am happy here. I have friends who care about me. VICTORIA : These are not your friends. Friends don't use you. BROOKE : Neither do mothers. VICTORIA : Oh, please. I've done nothing but help you. Your little company was struggling until you came to me. But if you think you can do it alone, just say the word. You'll only lose a C.E.O... and a mother. BROOKE : Mom. VICTORIA : You're not a kid anymore. So grow up. Haley and Nathan, in the club arguing HALEY : When are you gonna grow up? This is our first time back in a bar since your accident, and already you're in another fight. Have you learned nothing? NATHAN : What do you expect me to do... just sit back and watch while some jerk harasses you? HALEY : That's exactly what I expect you to do, because you're not always the guy that has to jump in and do something, and I'm not a damsel in distress. And if your last bar brawl didn't make it clear... you're not Superman. NATHAN : You're overreacting. I didn't even hit the guy. I just walked away. HALEY : No. I pulled you away, and then Quentin hit him. I guess he is really learning from the best. Lindsay and Lucas in the club LINDSAY : Hey, I'm exhausted from spending the night avoiding you and Peyton, so I think I'll catch a cab home. LUCAS : Hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Come on, I'll drive you. LINDSAY : It's not ridiculous, Lucas. This is (showing her hair). LUCAS : What are you talking about? Your hair looks great. LINDSAY : Of course you think so. It's Peyton blond. I'm single white female. LUCAS : No, you're not. LINDSAY : I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming me. Ever since Peyton came to Tree Hill, I've been acting like a crazy bitch. I'm neurotic, insecure, paranoid, jealous, and that is not who I am. LUCAS : And I know that. LINDSAY : But it's who I've become. I'm not stupid or blind. I know Peyton's the reason you're writing again, and I refuse to be a chapter in that book. (Lindsay starts to walk away but Lucas stops her) LUCAS : Look, Lindsey. Lindsey, wait. LINDSAY : No, I've been waiting... for you, for the book. I moved here for you remember? So you need to figure out what you want. LUCAS : I want you. LINDSAY : And I want you to stop being in love with Peyton. Looks like we're both screwed. Alice and Mouth in the club MOUTH : Why are you here? When I asked if we were dating, you laughed in my face. Then you see me with someone else and send me a mean text? ALICE : That text was not mean. If you kissed her, then you would have seen mean. MOUTH : It's fascinating that you have different levels of mean, but I think I'll get off at this one. ALICE : Haven't you learned? You only get off when I do. MOUTH : Well, then I hope you just did, because we're done. This is over. ALICE : I'm sorry to hear that, Marvin. But if that's the way you really feel...then you're fired. MOUTH : Then I guess I'm fired. But thank you for showing me that there are more important things in life than work. (Mouth leaves Alice and while walks by the bar, he grabs the napkin Brooke's holding for him) Peyton and Lucas in Peyton's office PEYTON : You know what? Just rip up the check. I'm moving offices, anyway. LUCAS : Do you have an alarm in your head that goes off every time I'm happy with someone else? (yelling) What do you want from me?! I fly to L.A., I ask you to marry me. You said no, so I moved on. Why haven't you? PEYTON : 'Cause I should have said yes. Luke, I was young... and I was scared. And I did not realize that by saying I wasn't ready, it would mean that we would never be together again. Had I known that, I would have said yes. LUCAS : Peyton... PEYTON : No, Luke, I miss you every day. And I've told everyone here that I didn't come back for you. But I did. Of course I did. I still love you, Lucas. LUCAS : Peyton, I... (Peyton interrupts him by kissing him. First he stops her than he kisses her back) (Haley is watching them in the background and leaves without saying a word) PEYTON : You still love me, don't you? LUCAS : I have to go see Lindsey. Peyton and Brooke at the bar PEYTON : I came back for Lucas. BROOKE : I know. You've had your Lucas-stealing face on since you picked me up at the airport. PEYTON : What Lucas-stealing face? BROOKE : The only face you've got. PEYTON : Well, it doesn't even matter now. He's with Lindsey. BROOKE : Honey... Lindsey doesn't stand a chance. Trust me. I have been the Lindsey between Lucas and Peyton, and it is not a great place to be. PEYTON : Yeah, neither is the place I'm at. BROOKE : Are you kidding? You're Peyton Sawyer. The guy wrote a whole book about how much he loves you. PEYTON : You think he still does? BROOKE : It has always been Lucas and Peyton. You guys are meant to be together. It's the way it's supposed to be. So go and get your man. And this time if he proposes, please say yes. PEYTON : Okay? Wait. If I came back for Lucas, then why did you come back? BROOKE : Duh... for Lucas. Game on, bitch. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan, Haley and Carrie come back from the club HALEY : Good night. NATHAN : I think she's still pissed at me. CARRIE : She'll come around. I mean, what girl wouldn't want her guy to stand up for her? I know I would. NATHAN : No, I mean, she's right. I need to watch my temper. All it ever does is get me in trouble. CARRIE : Well, I'd love a guy to come to my rescue. Does that mean I like trouble? I'm a little drunk, so in case I said a lot of inappropriate things tonight, I want you to know... I meant all of them. I think I'll go for a swim. I knew you were watching the other night. I'm glad you were. But you can see a lot better with the lights... on. (she switches the button and goes outside) (Nathan moves forward and turns the lights off)) INTERIOR, CLUB TRIC Owen and Brooke at the bar OWEN : Buy you a drink? BROOKE : I better not. I'm supposed to be an adult now, and I don't want to end up like my... future self. OWEN : You're like, what, 22, right? So, legally, this is supposed to be new to you. You're acting your age. It's your mother that isn't. BROOKE : Well, she just came here to embarrass me. OWEN : Isn't that what moms do? BROOKE : I guess. You don't really think I'll end up like her, do you? OWEN : Drunk at a bar with no friends? Never... You got friends. BROOKE : Right. Okay. So, are you gonna ask me out now, or what? OWEN : Nah. Too young for me. Maybe when you grow up. (Owen leaves Brooke alone) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan joins Haley in their bed NATHAN : Is this the champagne room? (Haley doesn't answer) Hales, I'm sorry, okay? I tried to be responsible tonight, but that idiot got out of line. I promise I wasn't gonna hit him. Please don't be mad at me. HALEY : I'm not mad. I'm...I'm disappointed. NATHAN : In me? HALEY : In a lot of things. I guess I should just be happy you're not sneaking around with another girl. LUCAS' HOUSE Peyton walks to his door and knocks. Lindsay answers, crying. PEYTON : Lindsey, I'm sorry. I never wanted... LINDSAY : Lucas asked me to marry him. (Lindsay shows Peyton her hand, and Peyton looks at Lucas in the backgtound)

Plan: A: a Tree Hill reunion; Q: What is the event at Tric? A: the entire gang; Q: Who gathers at Tric? A: The Honorary Title perform; Q: What band is performing at Tric? A: their musical act; Q: What do Peyton and Haley want to introduce? A: Carrie; Q: Who sees the concert as a chance to get closer to Nathan? A: Brooke; Q: Who forces Mouth to go on a blind date with Millicent? A: an unsuspecting Mouth; Q: Who does Brooke force to go on a blind date with Millicent? A: Lindsey confronts; Q: Who confronts Lucas about sneaking off to see Peyton? Summary: It's a Tree Hill reunion as the entire gang gathers at Tric to see The Honorary Title perform. While Peyton and Haley see this as an opportunity to introduce their musical act, Carrie sees it as a chance to get closer to Nathan. Brooke forces an unsuspecting Mouth to go on a blind date with Millicent. Lindsey confronts Lucas about sneaking off to see Peyton.

SCENE 1: The kitchen of the Stackhouse home. Blood streaks the white walls as Gran's body lies in a pool of blood on the floor. Tina, Sookie's pet cat, licks up some of the drops of blood on the floor. Barefooted, Sookie stands in blood, staring at her grandmother's body. Sookie gasps, pounds the air with her fists, and falls to her knees at Gran's feet. A door creaks as Sookie, still staring at Gran's body, is frightened when someone grabs her from behind. Bill: Sookie! It's me. Sookie. Sookie, it's me! (Bill turns Sookie around to face him. Sookie, in shock, stares blankly at him.) Sookie: Bill. Bill: You all right? (Sookie's eyes widen. She gasps deeply.) Bill: C'mere. (Bill hugs her, and she holds him tightly.) (POV of someone approaching the open front door of the Stackhouse home. Footsteps fall on the leaves in the yard, and the steps leading to the wooden front porch. A board creaks. In the kitchen, Bill is still comforting Sookie, and hears the creak. He looks up and toward where the sound came from. He frowns. A hand is on the front door, and Bill exposes his fangs. With lightning speed, Bill grabs the intruder by the throat with his right hand and pushes him against a wall in the doorway between the parlor and the dining room. Bill looks at the intruder with a hard, mean look. It is Sam.) Sam (shouting): Get your <snip> hands off of me! (Bill does not loosen his grip on Sam's neck. He glowers at Sam.) Bill (shouting): What are you doin' here? Sam: I was makin' sure that Sookie got home safe. The door was open. What are you doin' here? (Sookie appears.) Sookie: Bill, it's OK! Let him go! (Bill slowly retracts his fangs, still staring at Sam, and removes his hand from Sam's neck.) Sam: Sookie? (Sam looks over at Sookie and sees blood on her hands and legs. Sam looks wild-eyed at Bill.) Sam: What happened? Cut to opening credits to the tune of "Bad Things" by Jace Everett SCENE 2: The dining room of the Stackhouse home. Sookie sits alone, still in shock. Sheriff Bud Dearborn, Detective Andy Bellefleur, Coroner Mike Spencer and his apprentice Neil Jones are in the kitchen. Sheriff Dearborn (off-camera): Did you get any prints off that drawer? Andy Bellefleur (off-camera): Nothing plain. Think we got a partial one on the sink. (Sam places a blanket over Sookie's shoulders.) Sam: Hey. (Sam sits across from Sookie, leaning forward.) Sam: Why don't you go upstairs and lie down? They're gonna be in there a while. (Sookie looks at Sam, but says nothing.) Sam: As soon as we find anything out, I'll let you know. (Sookie looks down and hears the intermingled thoughts of Neil Jones (whose face is barely visible), Andy Bellefleur, Mike Spencer, and Sheriff Dearborn.) Neil Jones (thinking): <snip> I got blood on my boots. So much blood, I'm gonna be sick. Andy Bellefleur (thinking): Pull it together, pull the <snip> together <snip>! Do your job. No wonder they don't respect you. Mike Spencer (thinking): ...cut her up real good. Must be 30 stabs. The throat's wide open. Holy hell, we got ourselves a serial killer here. Sheriff Dearborn (thinking): ...Lynn and the grandkids to the lake for the weekend... Andy Bellefleur (thinking): Poor woman, stuck raising these bad-<snip> crazy Stackhouse kids didn't deserve this. Sam: Sookie?! (Sookie looks up at Sam.) Sookie: Maybe I could...use a little air. (Sookie stands up, with the blanket still around her shoulders, walks to the front door, goes outside, and sits on the porch, straight up with her legs together, seemingly staring into space. Her legs still have Gran's blood on them. Sam comes out onto the porch, leaving the door slightly ajar. He slowly walks up to where Sookie sits. The sounds of crickets chirping and a police radio are heard in the background. Sam sits next to Sookie.) Sam: Listen. I should never have left you alone, I lost my temper, and I shouldn't have. (Sookie faces Sam.) Sookie: Do you think you could apologize to me some other time?! Sam: I just... (Sam grasps Sookie's hand in her lap, and looks at her.) Sam: Whatever you need, anything I can do, you know, I'm right here. Sookie (unemotionally): I know. Thank you. Sam (thinking): ... hold you, make it better. I'm the one. I'm so sorry. Sorrowful. Soft skin. (Sookie takes her hand away from Sam.) Sookie: I said another time, Sam. Sam: OK. (Sookie and Sam look away from one another and are silent for a while.) Sookie: What happened to Bill? (Sam makes a sour look with his face, and growls.) Sam: I'll go get him. (Sookie nods, and looks toward Sam as he goes inside the house.) Sookie: Thank you. (Inside the Stackhouse home, Bill is looking out through a window in Sookie's dimly-lit bedroom upstairs as Sam walks into the room. Bill turns slightly toward Sam.) Sam: She's askin' for you. (Bill takes a few steps toward Sam.) Bill: Is there somethin' you wanna say to me? (Sam looks to his left, then his right, and approaches Bill from Bill's left.) Sam: I want you to stay away from her. (Bill and Sam lock stares.) Bill: You know, Sookie doesn't take kindly to people makin' decisions for her. Sam: You don't need to tell me who Sookie is. (Sam resumes pacing the room behind Bill.) Sam: I know who she is. I've known a long time. (Bill turns to face Sam.) Bill: Then you also know that this is neither the time nor the place for you to...mark your territory. (From the window, it seems daylight is approaching.) Sam: There's a woman lyin' dead downstairs. She wouldn't be there if it weren't for you. (Sam steps closer to Bill.) Sam: Anything happens to Sookie, I promise...I'll be sharpening a stake with your name on it! (Sam and Bill stare at one another, and Sam leaves Sookie's bedroom. Bill returns to the window, opens it, and places his hand through a hole in the screen window. SCENE 3: The kitchen of the Stackhouse home. Mike Spencer and Neil Jones are kneeling beside Gran's body. Neil's face is more visible now. He is brunet, with an emo hairstyle. Mike Spencer: Looks like she put up a hell of a fight. See those defensive cuts on her hand? Straight to the bone? Neil Jones: Uhm. Hardcore. (Sheriff Dearborn and Andy Bellefleur are in the doorway of the kitchen.) Andy Bellefleur: Psycho son of a bitch. Goin' after her all the way that way...just about the sickest thing I ever seen. (Sheriff Dearborn chuckles. The sound of a zipper is heard.) Sheriff Dearborn: Nah. I've seen worse. (Sheriff Dearborn turns to face Andy.) Sheriff Dearborn: There was a murder about six years ago. Lady snapped. Blew her husband's head off while he was watching the game. Big chunks of the brain all over the TV. Andy Bellefleur: Why'd she do it? Sheriff Dearborn: I guess she wanted to watch somethin' else. How the hell would I know, Andy?! People don't murder because they're right in the head. (Unintelligible speech is heard from a police radio.) Andy Bellefleur (frowning): I told you we never should have released Jason Stackhouse. Sheriff Dearborn: Now, come on. This is his grandma we're talkin' about. Andy Bellefleur: Do you think that little pervert ain't capable? Sheriff Dearborn: Well, Adele did bring the fanger into a church. Sure that ruffled more than a few feathers...if he didn't do it himself. Andy Bellefleur: But vampire Bill said that... Sheriff Dearborn: Vampire Bill? You're on a first-name basis with that bloodsucker now? These things are crafty. They've been killin' long enough to know how to cover their tracks. (Bill enters the kitchen.) Bill: Am I interruptin'? Andy Bellefleur: Whoa! Mr. Compton, this is...an official crime scene. You can't be in here! Sheriff Dearborn: It's all right Andy. (looking at Bill) I suspect vampire Bill's been around a dead body or two before. Isn't that right, sir? (Bill stares at Sheriff Dearborn.) Sheriff Dearborn: Friend of yours, wasn't she? (Bill looks toward the floor.) Bill: Yes, I suppose she was. (Sheriff Dearborn removes his hat.) Sheriff Dearborn: Well...we got a couple more questions for you. You mind? Bill: No, not at all. (Sheriff Dearborn, Bill, and Andy Bellefleur walk to the parlor. Bill's arms are folded.) Andy Bellefleur: Sookie tells you were here when she found the body. Is that right? Bill: I arrived a few moments after. Sheriff Dearborn: Kind of late to be making house calls. (Bill stares at Sheriff Dearborn.) Sheriff Dearborn: All right. I guess you don't sleep, huh? Andy Bellefleur: They sleep, just not at night. Sheriff Dearborn (to Bill, who is off-camera): So you make a habit of visitin' Miss Stackhouse in the middle of the night? Bill (unfolding his arms): We had certain personal matters to discuss. After you left my home, I was waitin' for her to return from her engagement. When I heard her car in the drive, I came across the cemetery. Andy Bellefleur: You're saying, you heard a car comin' from clean across the cemetery? Bill: Heightened senses are a common side effect of our condition. Andy Bellefleur: But you didn't see or hear any other vehicles comin' from the house? Somethin' like a truck, maybe? Bill: No. Sheriff Dearborn: A lot of folks would not be too keen on a vampire movin' in next door. But Adele Stackhouse, she welcomed you with open arms, didn't she? Bill: She was very gracious, yes. Sheriff Dearborn: So...Maudette Pickens, Dawn Green, Adele Stackhouse, they were all very gracious to your, uh...people. That's just about the one thing they had in common. (Sheriff Dearborn smiles smugly.) Sheriff Dearborn: Now, is that one hell of a plus-size coincidence or what? Bill: I don't believe so, no. Andy Bellefleur: Excuse me? Bill: I suspect whoever did this is targeting women who associate with vampires. Andy Bellefleur: You can't be serious. Adele Stackhouse and a vamp? Bill: Oh, I don't think Sookie's grandmother was the intended victim. (Sookie is still sitting on the porch with the blanket wrapped around her. Sam is sitting next to her. They are not looking at one another. A voice is heard on a police radio. The speech is unintelligible. Sookie turns to Sam.) Sookie: I should probably call Jason. (Sam faces Sookie.) Sam: Aw, I can do it if you like. (Sookie nods.) Sookie: Thank you. (Sam takes his cell phone out, stands up, and walks away. Cut to Jason's bedroom. Empty green Dos Equis bottles are on the carpeted floor, as are a yellow Playtex glove and a blue g-string with white stars, and the spilled contents of a black purse. Jason snores in bed, a woman's arm draped over his back. Jason's cell phone rings and vibrates on the nightstand. Jason slowly turns to grab it, and throws the phone to the bedroom window, breaking a louvered window shutter. In his bed, Jason is shown naked with Randi Sue.) (Sam is a few steps away from the Stackhouse front porch, with his cell phone up to his ear. Sookie is still sitting on the steps with the blanket wrapped around her.) Jason (via pre-recorded voice mail message): This is Stackhouse. You know what to do. (Bill comes out of the house, and Sookie stands and turns and walks toward him. Sam turns around to see Bill.) Generic pre-recorded female voice-mail voice: To leave a voice message... (Sam closes his cell phone and walks up to the porch.) Sookie: Bill, what's going on? Bill: They're about to move your grandmother. (Bill puts his arm around Sookie and they walk to one side of the porch. Sam walks up the steps to the porch. Andy Bellefleur opens the screen door, followed by Sheriff Dearborn, and Bill and Sookie turn to face them.) Andy Bellefleur: Sookie, you might wanna go sleep...at a friend's. Someplace less isolated. Sookie: I'm not goin' anywhere. Bill: Uh, Sookie, perhaps... (Sookie turns to Bill.) Sookie: No! This is my house. I'm stayin' right here. Mike Spencer (off-camera): ...turn her there! All right! Comin' through! (Sheriff Dearborn and Andy Bellefleur turn to see Mike Spencer and Neil Jones come through the front door with Gran's body on a wheeled gurney. Sam looks at Sookie from across the porch and she returns the look before returning her attention to Mike Spencer and Neil Jones. Neil Jones looks at Sookie as he passes her, and Sookie hears his thoughts.) Neil Jones (thinking): Please, God. Hope she didn't recognize me at the vampire bar. (Sookie catches a glimpse of Neil Jones, wearing makeup, a black half-tank, and a wild hairstyle, as he appeared at Fangtasia in S01E04, scene 16, after Bill says "Well, don't get too comfortable. It tends to get more authentic as the night wears on.") Neil Jones (thinking): I look different, it was dark, and she was fang-bangin'.. Sheriff Dearborn (looking at Sookie; thinking): ...dumb luck you're not in that bag right now, <snip>' that vampire. (Sookie stares at Sheriff Dearborn.) Sheriff Dearborn (thinking): You could be next. Sheriff Dearborn: I'm truly sorry about your grandmother. Sookie: Are y'all done in there, 'cause I'd like to clean up? If that's all right? Sheriff Dearborn: All right, then. You call us at the first sign of anything. (The Sheriff and Andy Bellefleur turn and walk away.) Andy Bellefleur (to Sam): Keep an eye on her. Sam: I will. Bill (to Sookie): They are right. You should not stay here. Sam: I agree. You can have my trailer. I'll sleep at the bar. Sookie (to both): I'm as safe here as anywhere. Besides, I've got both of you to protect me, haven't I? Bill: Sookie...I have to go. (Sookie nods.) Sookie: Of course. It's almost dawn. (Bill nods slightly.) Bill: I will come back later. (Sam approaches Bill.) Sam: I can take it from here. (Sam and Bill stare intently at one another.) Sookie (to Bill): Don't worry about me. Go. (Sookie watches Bill as he walk away. Sam and Sookie share a bit of silence.) Sookie: Uh, there's an extra mop 'round back. Would y'mind gettin' it for me? Sam: Sookie... Sookie: Gran took a lot of pride in her home. She wouldn't want anyone to see it like this. (Sookie walks inside the house, leaving Sam looking confused.) SCENE 4: Sookie is on her knees in the kitchen at the spot where Gran's body was found. Blood is on the floor. Sookie is wearing the same dress as earlier, plus blue Playtex gloves. A small wash tub is on the floor near her. She picks up a rag from the wash tub and wrings water from it. She washes the blood from the floor. SCENE 5: The next day at the Stackhouse home. POV of someone bearing a covered dish as Sam opens the front door. Sam: Aw, hey, that looks great. Why don't you... why don't you put it in the kitchen. (Sam points the way to the kitchen, En route to the kitchen, we see and hear a number of visitors inside, mostly older people, both white and African-American, talking amongst themselves, still from the POV of the Bearer of the Covered Dish.) Unknown Female Visitor #1: It was so sad. Unknown Male Visitor #1: That Stackhouse girl hasn't come out of the kitchen. Unknown Female Visitor #2: I heard she hasn't cried a single tear. Unknown Female Visitor #3: You know she's been goin' around with that vampire. (Still from the POV of the Bearer of the Covered Dish, we enter the kitchen. Sookie is sitting at the breakfast table, her back toward us. Tara walks into the kitchen from the small back stairwell of the kitchen. Sookie turns to greet the Bearer of the Covered Dish, who is revealed to be Maxine Fortenberry, dressed in bright pink.) Sookie: Oh, uh...Mrs. Fortenberry, you shouldn't have. Mrs. Fortenberry (somewhat melodramatically): You poor child. I am so sorry for your loss. (Sookie shakes her head.) Sookie: That's very kind of you. Um...Gran often talked about you, so... (Tara takes the covered dish from Mrs. Fortenberry and walks to another part of the house.) Sookie: ...thank you. (Tara is joined by Lafayette, wearing a purple tie-dye pullover shirt and black babushka.) Tara: Yeah, 'cause nothing says "I'm sorry" like a tuna cheese casserole. Lafayette: Another one? (Lafayette looks over his shoulder.) Lafayette: I ain't seen Jason. Is he here yet? Tara: How the hell should I know? I ain't his keeper. (Tara turns away from Lafayette.) Lafayette: Bitch. (Mrs. Fortenberry is still talking with Sookie at the breakfast table.) Mrs. Fortenberry: Adele was an angel sent from Heaven, too good for this world. We're all gonna miss her so much. Mrs. Fortenberry (thinking): Heard they almost cut off her head. I don't see any blood. I should have gotten here sooner. Maybe I should have brought my red velvet cake instead. (Sookie stands up.) Sookie: Excuse me? (Sookie walks away from Mrs. Fortenberry, and is almost immediately hugged by Arlene, who is crying.) Arlene: Oh, Sookie? I just can't believe it. Are you all right? Sookie: I'm fine, Arlene. Thanks for comin'. Arlene: Of course...It's the least I could do. Oh...you poor thing. I can't imagine what you're goin' through. (Arlene offers a shy chuckle, and becomes serious again.) Arlene: Now, if you need help with moving or anything at all... (Sookie looks surprised.) Sookie: Uh, I'm... am I movin'? I'm not movin'. (Arlene looks disgusted.) Arlene: But honey. With it happenin'... right here. Sookie: I have far more good memories of this kitchen than bad ones. Arlene (smiling): Oh, what a good way to look at it. You know, you really are smarter than anyone gives you credit for. (Sookie gives Arlene a "no you just didn't" look.) Arlene: Oh, sweetie. I didn't mean it like that! (The refrigerator door is opened and Sookie and Arlene turn toward it to see Mrs. Fortenberry with a pie in her hands, peeling the plastic wrap from it.) Sookie (shouting): Maxine Fortenberry! You put that pie down right now! Unknown Male Visitor #2 (off-camera): What's goin' on over there? Unknown Female Visitor #4 (off-camera): Come here, she's losin' it. (Sookie storms toward Mrs. Fortenberry and takes the pie from Mrs. Fortenberry. Astonished visitors, including Sam, peer into the kitchen from the dining room.) Sookie (yelling): This is Gran's pie! Mrs. Fortenberry: Well, I'm sorry. I was just makin' some room... (Sookie has a crazed look on her face, and hears some thoughts.) Mrs. Fortenberry (off-camera; thinking): Poor girl is crazy as a bedbug. Unknown Male Visitor #3 (off-camera; thinking): We all know you killed your grandmother. Mrs. Fortenberry (thinking): After I spent all morning making this casserole... Unknown Male Visitor #4 (off-camera; thinking): ...that she would even show her face in front of everybody... (Tara walks from the sink to where Sookie stands and escorts Sookie from the kitchen.) Tara: If you all'll excuse us...I need Sookie upstairs. (Tara and Sookie pass the onlooking visitors.) Tara (to Sam): Just give us a little girl-time. (Tara and Sookie approach the front stairwell.) Tara: Come on, Lafayette! (Tara, Sookie, and Lafayette go upstairs. Mrs. Fortenberry watches from the kitchen, and makes a puzzled look at Arlene, who is scratching her head.) Arlene: Ooommph! SCENE 6: Sookie's bedroom. On Sookie's bed sits the half-finished pecan pie in a glass pie plate, wrapped in plastic. Sookie and Tara are sitting on one side of Sookie's bed; Lafayette reclines on the other. Sookie: I shouldn't have lost it like that. Tara: Don't feel sorry for yelling at that snoopy old bitch. She's been stickin' her nose where it don't belong for years. Lafayette: Say it. I mean, if she talked any more <snip> she'd be shaped like a toilet. (Tara and Lafayette look at one another and laugh. Sookie looks at them with no discernible emotion.) Lafayette: I'm sorry. Sookie: Gran's gone. (Tara and Lafayette quiet down.) Sookie: She's really gone. (Tara and Lafayette look downward.) Tara: Yeah, she is. (Sookie shakes her head. A train sounds in the background.) Sookie: I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Can't even think straight. Tara: Of course you can't! How can you, with all these circling buzzards? Lafayette (quietly): Um, hmm. Tara: You know, you're not their entertainment. You don't have to dance for 'em. You just gotta feel whatever you're feelin'. Sookie: I'm not sure I'm...feelin' anything. I'm just numb. Tara: Numb is good. Lafayette: Yeah. Tara: "Numb" is probably what you need right now. Lafayette: Umm. Tara: Stop worryin' about being so damn appropriate. This is not an "appropriate" event. (The sounds of birds chirping and insects, as well as muffled voices coming from downstairs, are heard through the silence.) Sookie: Thank you for gettin' me out of there. Haven't had a single minute of silence. Can't seem to...block anything out right now. Tara: You want me to tell 'em all to shut the hell up? Sookie: I wish it were that easy. Lafayette: It is. Your wish... (Lafayette pulls out a plastic bag of pills from his pants pocket.) Lafayette: ...is my command. Sookie: Oh, no. I don't do drugs. Lafayette: Sook. Relax! This is not drugs. This...is just a Valium. (Lafayette holds one of the pills up. Tara chuckles. Sookie says nothing.) Lafayette: Well, I tell you what: Put in on your nightstand... (Sookie takes the pill from Lafayette.) Lafayette: ...just in case you change your mind. I'm gonna go and check on the circlin' buzzards. (Lafayette gets up off the bed. Sookie has the pie in her hand.) Sookie: Lafayette? Lafayette: Yes, ma'am. (Sookie hands the pie to Lafayette.) Sookie: Would you mind... taking this downstairs for me? (Lafayette takes the pie from Sookie.) Lafayette: I will guard it with my life. (Lafayette leaves the bedroom.) SCENE 7: Jason is driving his pickup truck, traveling at a high rate of speed. Loud music comes from the truck's stereo. A siren is heard in the background. Jason looks at his watch, worn on his right hand. He approaches an intersection where a road crew is working. The tires squeal as he turns the corner. He parks his truck nearby. He cuts off the engine, and the music shuts off. René (off-camera): Holy <snip>. This ain't no good. (Jason gets out of his truck. The daylight seems to be a bit too bright for him as he walks to the road crew.) Jason: Yeah I know, I know. I'm late. (Daylight seems to flash brightly in Jason's eyes, perhaps an aftereffect of the V-juice he used the previous day, as he approaches René and Hoyt.) Jason: My alarm broke and I couldn't find my phone. René: Jason...Jason. Jason: Yeah. René: What...are you doin' here? Jason: My job. (Jason chuckles.) René: Aww...<snip>! (to Hoyt): He don't know, then? (Hoyt, wide-eyed, turns to Jason. Jason look at Hoyt and René.) Hoyt: Man, I am so sorry. (Hoyt pats Jason on the left shoulder. Jason looks puzzled.) Jason: About what? SCENE 8: Sookie's bedroom. Tara and Sookie are laying on their fronts across the bed. Tara's arms are folded under her head, and Sookie holds a pillow. Soft music plays in the background. Tara: Do you want me to call anyone? Your cousin Hadley? (Sookie is seated on the edge of her bed.) Sookie: No one has heard from her for in over a year, since she ran away from that rehab Gran paid for. I don't even know how to get hold of her. Tara: What about Bill? You wanna invite him? Sookie: Tara, he can't go. Tara: Oh. Right. Sookie: It's not like you've...known a lot of vampires. It kinda takes gettin' used to. Tara: I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it. (Sookie stares at Tara.) Tara: What? Not everyone is as open-minded as you. Shoot me. You should hear the things people are sayin'. Sookie (slightly louder than before): I do. (Tara looks at Sookie wide-eyed.) Sookie: Bill did not kill my grandmother! Tara: Don't you get all mad at me. Nobody's blamin' Bill...exactly. But didn't you tell me he had scary-ass friends? Sookie: Not all the vampires are like that. Tara: I'd <snip> lose it if anything happened to you. You know that, right? Sookie: Tara, last night was so horrible. I don't know how I would've gotten through it if it weren't for Bill. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but... (The sound of a truck approaching at a high rate of speed and screeching to a stop is heard.) Sookie: ...it's like I almost feel normal. (The sound of a truck door being slammed shut is heard.) (Downstairs, Jason throws open the front door of the Stackhouse home. The visitors turn to him, shocked at his sudden appearance. Jason looks around, then runs upstairs. He throws open the door to Sookie's bedroom. Sookie stands up.) Sookie: Jason... (Jason slaps Sookie across her face with his right hand, knocking her down to the bed. Tara runs to Jason.) Tara (screaming): What the <snip>? Jason (to Sookie, yelling): It's your fault! (Jason points his left index finger at Sookie.) Jason: Gran is dead 'cause o' you. (Sookie sits up on the bed, her left hand to her left cheek. She frowns at Jason.) Jason (yelling): It should have been you! (Jason lunges at Sookie, but Tara grabs him.) Tara (yelling): Don't you lay your hands on her! (Jason looks at Sookie.) Jason: She's <snip> a vampire, Tara... (Jason walks to Sookie's bed.) Jason (shouting): A <snip> vampire! (Tara gets between Jason and Sookie and faces Jason.) Tara (shouting): Yeah, and that vampire was here for her when you weren't! (Jason stares wildly at Sookie.) Tara (shouting): You oughta be ashamed of yourself! Is that how you grandmother raised you? To beat on your own sister? Look at you! I don't even recognize you anymore! Get the hell out of here! (Tara pushes Jason away.) Tara: Get out! Get out! (Tara pushes Jason out of the bedroom and closes the door. She turns and walks over to Sookie, who begins sobbing.) Tara: You OK? (Tara sits on the bed and takes a look at Sookie's cheek. Sookie reaches to the nightstand for the blue Valium pill she took from Lafayette, and puts it in her mouth.) SCENE 9: Outside the Stackhouse home. Jason walks out from the house onto the porch, down the steps, and walks to his truck, where Detective Andy Bellefleur stands waiting for him. Andy Bellefleur: Stackhouse? Need to ask you a few questions. Jason: Not now, Andy. (Andy Bellefleur places his hand on Jason's chest and stops him.) Andy Bellefleur: Where were you last night? Jason: I don't know. I was with a girl. Andy Bellefleur: Tara Thornton? (Jason looks up at Andy Bellefleur.) Jason: What? No. Andy Bellefleur: Yeah, I didn't think so. What's this one's name? (A few visitors to the Stackhouse home, including Lafayette, walk onto the porch to witness the confrontation.) Jason: I don't remember her name, OK? Uh, I got a number. I don't know what I did with it, though. Andy Bellefleur: Why, ain't that convenient. (Jason shakes his head.) Jason: What the hell is that supposed to mean, Andy? Andy Bellefleur: It's "Detective Bellefleur." And what the <snip> you think it means? (Jason snarls at Andy Bellefleur.) Jason: Are you sayin' I killed my grandmother? (With great force, Jason pushes Andy Bellefleur up against the passenger side of the truck, setting off the truck's alarm. Andy falls to the ground. Jason turns toward the house and notices the onlookers. Jason walks around to the other side of his truck and silences the alarm. Andy briefly winces in pain.) Lafayette (to himself): You's a stupid bitch, Jason Stackhouse. (Jason drives away as Andy tries to get up.) SCENE 10: In the kitchen of the Stackhouse home, Mrs. Fortenberry and Arlene are talking, each holding a glass of iced tea. Mrs. Fortenberry: Jason Stackhouse tossed Andy Bellefleur like he was nothin' but a rag doll. Arlene: René makes me watch that Friday Night Smackdown with him. Those men are built thicker than walls, but I ain't never seen one of them do that. (Lafayette approaches Arlene and Mrs. Fortenberry with a glass pitcher of iced tea and refills their glasses.) Lafayette: Well, you know Jason? He work out a lot. He real strong. (Arlene looks at Lafayette and nods.) Arlene (sarcastically): Um, hmm. (Lafayette walks away, and Tara walks down the stairwell, stops, and turns to address the visitors downstairs.) Tara: All right everybody! Sookie needs her rest. It's time for y'all to go now. (The crowd, including Sam and Arlene, quiet down.) Tara (shouting): What the hell are you all starring? You heard me! The sideshow's over. Now git! Let's go, let's go! (The crowd begins to leave.) Tara: We appreciate y'all comin' out. We love y'all. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Thank you. (The visitors leave, but Sam stands still. He looks at Tara.) Tara: That means you too, Sam. (Sam hesitates before he walks up to Tara.) Tara: Look, I get it. But right now, she needs to be alone. Sam: Well, if there's anything I can do, you call me. Tara: You're a good friend. Now get the <snip> out of here. Please. Sam (whispering): All right. (Sam leaves. Tara looks over at Arlene.) Tara: Don't make me throw y'all out myself, 'cause you know I will. (Arlene, an unknown female, and Mrs. Fortenberry leave. Arlene glares at Tara as she passes her.) Arlene: I heard you, Tara. (Mrs. Fortenberry and Tara exchange glares.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 11: The dining room of the Stackhouse home. Lafayette and Tara are looking at the dishes of food, brought (and half-eaten) by visitors. Lafayette: What the <snip> is it with white people and Jell-O? I don't understand. Tara (exhales deeply): What the hell are we gonna do with all of this? Lafayette: Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cookin'. Tara: Bad juju? Lafayette: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That <snip> true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it. Smell this. You can smell the...the fear and nastiness comin' off that kern bread. (Lafayette hands a glass bread pan with corn bread in it to Tara. Tara eats a pinch of it.) Tara: Tastes just fine to me. Lafayette: See, bitch, you gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch. (Sookie is asleep, laying fully-clothed on her back, on top of her bed. A gentle breeze blows through the window. A creaking sound is heard. Two hands appear and grab Sookie around her throat, waking her. She coughs as she is being choked.) Sookie (in a choked whisper): Bill! (Bill's eyes open in darkness, and we pass away from him through stone and wood and into his house's entry hall. We hear the glass components of his chandelier tinkling and insects chirping. Through the long, narrow glass windows on either side of his front door, we see that it is sunset. We see Bill laying fully-clothed on his back as he turns on a small light and looks at the analog watch on his left wrist. The time reads 5:49.) Bill (screaming, yet restrained): No! (Bill is laying fully-clothed on his back, underneath his house, trying to move, but he seems unable to. He tries to get up, but cannot, and exhales in exasperation.) SCENE 12: The Stackhouse front porch at sunset. Birds and insects chirp, then dark clouds hide the sun. It is night. Sookie's car is parked in front of the house. Inside, Lafayette sweeps the living room floor and Tara is looking out through a window. She turns, picks up some plates, and approaches Lafayette. Tara: Maybe I should go check on Sookie. Lafayette: Trust me. That child is dead to the world right now. (The front door bursts open and Bill runs upstairs with lightning speed. Tara puts down the plates she picked up, looks toward the stairwell.) Tara: What the <snip>...? (Tara and Lafayette run upstairs. Bill rushes to Sookie's side. Sookie is laying on her bed, motionless. Her bedroom is unlit, save for a hurricane lamp on a bedside table.) Bill: Sookie. Sookie! (Tara and Lafayette enter Sookie's bedroom.) Tara: What the hell are you doin'? (Bill shakes Sookie.) Bill: Sookie! Sookie! Sookie! Sookie! (Sookie opens her eyes.) Bill: Soo... (Bill and Sookie look at one another silently for a short while.) Sookie: Bill, what's wrong? (Bill exhales deeply.) Bill: I thought...(smiling)...I had a dream. That's all. You go back to sleep. Sookie: But I... Bill: Don't worry. I'm not goin' anywhere. (Bill and Sookie look at one another.) Bill: Go on. (Sookie turns her head and closes her eyes. She turns over onto her right side, facing away from Bill, who has his left arm around her waist. He removes his arm and kneels at the side of her bed, watching her. Downstairs, Lafayette sits in the living room while Tara stands with her arms folded, looking out through a window at Bill, who stands in the front lawn holding a bottle of Tru:Blood in his hand.) Tara: You think they're capable of lovin' a person? (Lafayette stands up and joins Tara by the window.) Lafayette: Who knows what they're capable of. (As Bill takes a sip from the bottle of Tru:Blood, a dog resembling a border collie runs up and sits near Bill, focusing its attention on the Stackhouse home. Bill looks at the dog, then looks up toward where the dog is looking. Bill takes another drink of Tru:Blood and the dog lets out a quiet bark.) SCENE 13: The iron filigree gate reads "BONTEMPS CEMETERY" across its arch. It is a sunny day for Gran's graveside service. Crows caw in the background. A woman sings the hymn "Softly And Tenderly" a capella. Female singer (off-camera): ...tenderly, Jesus is calling, calling, 'O sinner, come home!' (The service is well-attended. Several mourners fan themselves. Sookie, dressed in black with her hair pulled back into a bun, sits in the front row. Tara, also dressed in black, sits at Sookie's right. To Tara's right sits Lafayette, in a black suit, purple shirt and tie, and no babushka; he is bald. Behind Tara and Lafayette sits Hoyt Fortenberry and his mother, Maxine. At Sookie's left sits Jason, wearing a navy blue suit, with his arms folded. Jason's maroon tie is loosened and his white shirt is unbuttoned at the neck. Part of Jason's shirt collar hangs outside of his suit jacket. Jason's legs bounce up and down nervously. Behind Jason sit René and Arlene. Blue, pink, purple, and white flowers rest on top of Gran's closed casket. A blue bow bears the words "Beloved Grandmother". The singer has her eyes closed as she sings from a podium near the casket.) Female singer: Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me. See, on the portal... (Sam is sitting behind Jason, next to Arlene, and looks off into the distance.) Female singer: ...He's waiting and watching... (Terry Bellefleur weeps. His cousin, Detective Andy Bellefleur, scowls as he looks away from Terry. In front of Andy is Sheriff Dearborn). Female singer: ...calling, 'O sinner, come home!' (The singer closes her hymnal and steps down from the podium. A robed minister takes her place. Jason wipes his face with his tie.) Minister: Lord, we gather here today to remember the life of Adele Stackhouse. To celebrate the time that she enjoyed here on earth. (Sookie notices someone in a wheelchair being pushed along a path.) Minister (off-camera): And to thank you for each precious moment... (Sookie squeezes Tara's left hand tightly.) Tara (quietly): Ow! Sookie, my hand. (Sookie looks startled.) Sookie: Sorry... sorry. (An elderly man is in the wheelchair. He is being pushed by Neil Jones, who pushes the wheelchair up to the left of Sam.) Minister (off-camera): ...the family, the friends, the community. But even as we grieve, we shall be comforted, knowing that she is in peace now in Lord's kingdom. (Sookie stares at the elderly man. Jason greets him with a pat on the knee. Neil leaves.) Minister (off-camera): And there shall not be more death... (Sookie looks at the elderly man with a stern look on her face.) Sookie: Uncle Bartlett, what are you doing here?! (Uncle Bartlett nods.) Uncle Bartlett: She was my sister. Sookie: You haven't been part of this family in a long time. (Sookie and Uncle Bartlett exchange glares.) Jason: Sook, come on. Give the guy a break. Minister (off-camera): ...Sookie Stackhouse has prepared a few words. (Sookie stares sternly at Jason.) Minister (off-camera): Honey? (Sookie realizes the minister is speaking to her.) Minister: You wanted to say a few words? (Sookie grabs her handbag, and stands up.) Tara: Sookie, you OK? (Sookie walks past Jason, Sam, and Uncle Bartlett to the podium. She takes a folded piece of paper from her handbag. She unfolds the piece of paper, and addresses the mourners.) Sookie: Adele Stackhouse was...everything to me. She wasn't just my grandmother. She was...my parent, my teacher, and my best friend. (Sookie picks up some intermingled thoughts from the mourners.) Unknown female mourner #1 (thinking): Oh, please! If it weren't for you, she would be alive. Unknown male mourner #1 (thinking): What's this world comin' to? A vampire lover givin' a eulogy... Unknown female mourner #2 (thinking): I thought she was a good girl. I guess you can never know. Unknown male mourner #2 (thinking): You oughta be in that grave. And you will be... (Sookie looks at the mourners and continues.) Sookie: To say she'll be missed...just dudn't cut it, 'cause...I can't even imagine a world without her in. She was always there, with a kind word, and a hot meal, and a shoulder to cry on. Not just for me, but... Uncle Bartlett (off-camera; thinking): Forgive me, Adele, please forgive me. Sookie: ...for everyone who knew her. Uncle Bartlett (thinking): I never meant to hurt no one. I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry... Unknown female mourner #1 (thinking): Poor pathetic thing. Can't even pretend she's not as nuts as nuts can be... Sheriff Dearborn (thinking): You're sleepin' with your grandmother's killer. Unknown female mourner #3 (thinking): Your grandmother's dead because of you. Sookie (shouting): Shut up! All of you, just shut the <snip> up! (The crowd mumble among themselves.) Unknown female mourner #4 (thinking): Look at her, cursing...[/i] Unknown male mourner #4 (thinking): This whole world's just plain crazy... Sam (thinking): ...freak accident, oh my God... Andy Bellefleur (off-camera; thinking): ...oughta just lock her up and throw away the key. (Sookie grabs her handbag and runs away from the service. Jason runs after her.) Minister: Well...ahem. Is there anyone else who'd care to share a few words? (The mourners mumble, but are otherwise speechless.) Lettie Mae: I got something to say. (The crowd turns to see Lettie Mae Thornton standing up from behind Hoyt and walking up to the front.) Lafayette (to Tara): What is she doin'? (Tara grabs Lettie Mae's arm as she walks past.) Tara: No, Momma. (Lettie Mae breaks free and continues walking to the podium.) Lafayette: Oh my <snip> God, girl. This is about to get ugly. (The minister steps aside as Lettie Mae approaches the podium. She seems slightly unsteady on her feet as she addresses the crowd.) Lettie Mae: I didn't know Miss Stackhouse like a lot of you did. But the few times I did meet her...she was nuttin' but kind to me. She was a good, God-fearin' woman. And when I was going through some bad things, my daughter'd go stay with her, and I always knew she would be just fine. Adele Stackhouse took care of my baby when I couldn't. An' I'll always be grateful for that. (Lettie Mae steps away from the podium.) SCENE 14: Sookie continues running through the cemetery. Jason (off-camera): Sookie! (Jason is still running after Sookie.) Jason: Sookie, just hold on a sec. (Sookie stops running and turns to face Jason, who also stops running, stopping a short distance from her.) Sookie: Why? So you can hit me again? Go ahead, tell me it's all my fault. Tell me how you wish it were me in that coffin. I deserve it. Jason: I'm sorry. (Jason tries to catch his breath. He walks up to Sookie as if to hug her.) Jason: I'm so sorry. Sookie: Don't touch me! Jason: Now, I didn't mean to hurt you. You gotta know that. Sookie: You invited Uncle Bartlett! How could you do that? Jason: He has a right to be here! Look, I know he and Gran had their problems, but whatever they were, it don't matter no more. 'Cause that's what family does. We forgive each other. Sookie: You have no idea of what you're talking about! Jason: Sookie, please? I mean, we're all we've got. Sookie: We've got nothin'. (Sookie turns and runs away from Jason. Jason looks around at the gravestones, seemingly confused, and runs in a different direction.) SCENE 15: Gran's graveside service has ended Some mourners are leaving, others stand talking amongst themselves, while some others remain seated. Maxine Fortenberry has some sort of hand-held electrical device buzzing in her hand (Norelco razor? Cell phone?), puts it in her purse, then turns and waves her hand to get the attention of Lettie Mae. Mrs. Fortenberry (whispering): Hey! (Lettie Mae turns around leans toward Mrs. Fortenberry.) Mrs. Fortenberry: I was moved. Very moved. You know, you should come to our next Descendants of the Glorious Dead's meetin'. Lettie Mae: Is that some kind of support group thang? I went to one of those AA meetin's once. They were nothin' but a cult. (Tara grabs Lettie Mae's arm from behind, looking angry at her. Lettie Mae turns to face Tara and smiles.) Lettie Mae: Hi, baby! (Lettie Mae turns to Mrs. Fortenberry.) Lettie Mae: This is my precious daughter, Tara. Tara (to Lettie Mae): We've met, like, a hundred times too many. (to Mrs. Fortenberry) Excuse us. (Tara grabs Lettie Mae's arm and pulls her up out of her chair and away from Mrs. Fortenberry.) Tara: What the hell are you doing? Lettie Mae: Just talkin' to that nice lady. Let go my arm, you're hurtin' me! Tara: Oh, I'm hurtin' you. That's funny. 'Cause the last time I saw you, you were beatin' my head in with a bottle. Lettie Mae: Oh, sweet Jesus! You poor child. I am so sorry. (Tara rolls her eyes as Lettie Mae hugs her neck. After a few seconds, Tara takes Lettie Mae's arm from around her and confronts her.) Tara: You had no right to speak for that woman! She was more of a mother to me than you ever were. She took care of me. And she fed me. She put clothes on me. She called social services on you twice! You hated her guts! Lettie Mae (whispering): No. I didn't. Tara: Yes you did. You used to call her a white devil bitch. Lettie Mae: No, Tara. That wasn't me. That wasn't me that said those things. Tara: Just 'cause you were too drunk to remember don't mean it never happened! Lettie Mae: Please, baby. Just listen. All those terrible things I did to you? It wasn't me who did them. I have a demon inside o' me. Tara: Whut? Lettie Mae: A demon. Livin' and breathin' inside me, eatin' me up. (Tara is silent for a second, then laughs out loud.) Lettie Mae: Don't you laugh at the devil, Tara Mae! 'Cause he's as serious as cancer! Tara: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you have a demon inside you? Aw, <snip> me, that's too good! (Tara resumes laughing.) Lettie Mae: It ain't funny! You have no idea what I go through, wrestlin'...with this demon! (Tara stops laughing.) Lettie Mae: I try and do right. I try so hard... but it breaks me down. (Tara looks away from Lettie Mae.) Lettie Mae: It poisons everything. I want to be the momma you deserve. I can make up for everything. I can! It's not too late! But I can't do this alone. Tara: You do what? Lettie Mae: I gotta get it outta me. And it's very expensive. (Tara stares at Lettie Mae.) Tara: Then that's why you came to this woman's funeral? 'Cause you want money? Lettie Mae: I had nowhere else to go. (Tara starts to leave, but Lettie Mae grabs her.) Lettie Mae: Tara! Tara, please! Don't walk away from me! I am still you momma. (Tara gives Lettie Mae a hateful stare and pulls her arm away from Lettie Mae and walks away.) Lettie Mae: I need you! (Lettie Mae appears unsteady on her feet as Tara walks away.) Lettie Mae: You're all I got! (Lettie Mae begins to sob.) SCENE 16: Sookie is walking alone through the wooded sun-lit cemetery. Birds sing in the background. She comes upon a small grave marker on the ground. It is partly covered by ivy, and has a lengthwise crack. Sookie kneels in front of it, and brushes away some of the ivy. She rears back upon reading the inscription: WILLIAM THOMAS / COMPTON / BELOVED HUSBAND / ... BRAVE SOLDIER. SCENE 17: Jacket off, Jason seems sweaty as he leans against the iron filigree gate of the cemetery. Mourners say their good-byes to him. Unknown male mourner #5 (off-camera): Everything OK? Unknown male mourner #6 (patting Jason's hand): I'm so sorry. (As mourners file past Jason, the sunlight seems to flash in Jason's eyes as it did the day before. Their voices intermingle and echo in his ears.) Unknown male mourner #7: I'm sorry for your loss. (Andy Bellefleur approaches Jason and gets in his face, frowning.) Andy Bellefleur: We're not done, Stackhouse. (As Andy Bellefleur walks away, Jason breathes heavily and clutches his chest.) Jason (thinking to himself): Oh, <snip>! (Jason walks to his truck. He tosses the suit jacket into the truck through the open driver's-side window, and opens the door. He sits behind the steering wheel of the truck, closes the door, and grimaces in pain as he loosens his already-loosened tie and unbuttons another button of his shirt. His breathing is still heavy as he opens the glove compartment, takes out a plastic bag, and opens it. He takes out a small paper square stained with a red droplet, a dose of V. He starts to put it on his tongue, but hesitates. He throws the dose of V out of the truck onto the ground. He grabs hold of the steering wheel and pulls on it to sit up, wincing, and bucks in his seat.) Jason: <snip>! <snip>! (As Jason opens the door of the truck, the "key in ignition" buzzer sounds, and after Jason gets out of the truck, it shuts off as he slams the door closed. He begins looking for the dose of V on the ground.) Jason (thinking to himself, panicking): <snip>! Seemingly failing in his mission to find the dose of V, Jason looks wild-eyed as he sits rigidly in his truck. SCENE 18: Sookie stands rigidly at Gran's grave-site as Gran's casket, with a spray of pink and purple flowers on its lid, is lowered into the ground. Sam walks up behind her to her right. Sam: Hey. (Sookie does not turn her head. Her eyes remain on Gran's casket.) Sookie: Hey. Sam: I was lookin' for ya. Sookie: Well...you found me. Sam: I liked your speech. What I heard of it, anyway. (Sookie turns her head to Sam. He looks at her. She returns her attention to Gran's casket.) Sam: I especially liked the part when you told the whole town to shut the <snip> up. Sookie: Yeah. I'm a real crowd-pleaser. (Gran's casket has been lowered about halfway down into the grave.) Sam: I'll walk you home. (Sookie looks at Sam, and he holds out his left arm for her. She looks at his arm for a moment, then takes it. They continue watching as Gran's casket is lowered for a short while, then turn and walk away. Sookie and Sam walk up to the front door of the Stackhouse home. Sookie's yellow car and another burgundy-colored car are parked to the side of the house. Sookie takes her keys from her handbag.) Sam: Listen, how 'bout you take a bath, and I find us some stupid movie on TV. Somethin' with aliens. (Sookie stares at Sam.) Sam: Romantic comedy, then? Sookie: Sam, not now. I just...I need to be alone. (Sam looks down and nods, then looks at Sookie. Sookie opens the screen door and turns to Sam.) Sookie: Thanks. (Sookie turns from Sam, unlocks the door and enters the house, leaving Sam alone on the porch. Sam exhales deeply as the sound of the front door closing is heard. Sam walks along the dirt driveway away from the house as Tara walks up to him.) Sam: She said she wants to be alone. Tara: Well, I don't. Sam: Me either. (Sam and Tara look at one another silently.) SCENE 19: Sookie walks slowly into the kitchen of the Stackhouse home. The ticking of a clock is heard. The song "Take Me Home" by Lisbeth Scott plays for the duration of the scene. "In the sweet light of the valley... (Sookie opens the refrigerator door and takes out the pecan pie made by Gran.) "...when the sun falls upon the pine... (Sookie places the pie on the breakfast table and sits down.) "...I shall lay down all of my troubles... (Sookie removes the plastic wrap from the pie.) "...and then lift up this heart of mine. (Sookie picks up a fork.) "Take me home, Lord. Oh, take me home... (Sookie scoops a small bite of pie onto the fork.) "...O'er the hillside and o'er the sea... (Sookie eats the small bite of pie.) "...to the soft grass of the valley/Where Your Grace shall set me free. (Sookie seems to sob as she chews the piece of pie.) "Through the shadows of the darkness/Through the storms that lead me astray... (Sookie scoops a pecan onto the fork. Her sobbing becomes more noticeable.) "...I shall travel forever knowing/In Your Light I will always stay. So take me home, Lord. Oh, take me home... (Sookie scoops a third bite of pie onto the fork.) "...o'er the hillside and o'er the sea... (Sookie begins crying as she eats the third bite of pie.) "...To the soft grass of the valley/where Your Grace shall set me free." (Sookie scoops another bite of pie onto the fork.) SCENE 20: Tara drives her red 1970s AMC Gremlin up to the office of a motel. Sam sits in the passenger seat. Roger, the manager of the motel, is sitting on a plastic pre-formed chair by a table on the front porch of the motel, eating a meal. A woman sits opposite him, and in the parking area, one child sits on a bike as another sits on a short stone wall next to her bike. Roger: ...won't ever give you enough of this <snip> damn chicken. (Tara gets out of her car and closes the door.) Roger: Hey. Tara: Hey, Roger. Child's voice (off-camera): Lady, I want the legs. (Sam is now out of the car and has joined Tara as they walk up to the porch of the motel. A couple is heard arguing from one of the motel rooms they pass.) Unknown argumentative woman (off-camera; shouting): Piece of <snip>! (The sound of glass breaking is heard coming from the couple's room, while strains of death metal seem to come from a different room.) Unknown argumentative woman (off-camera; shouting): I'll <snip> kill you! Unknown argumentative man (off-camera): [laughs] (Tara and Sam walk along the porch as Tara fishes the key from her purse.) Tara: Don't worry. She says that all the time. (Sam looks around, seemingly unsure of his surroundings. Tara opens the door to her motel room, and they enter. The arguing couple is still heard in the background, as well as the death metal as Sam closes the door and Tara places her purse next to a paper grocery sack on a small table just to the left of the door. There is a pale yellow floral-print love-seat positioned diagonally in a corner directly opposite from the door. The love-seat's right arm abuts a window with orange drapes, and by its left arm is a bed. Tara kicks off her shoes. Sam takes a look at the sparsely-furnished room, and Tara chuckles and smiles.) Tara: Come on, you gotta admit it has a certain charm! (Sam leans with his left shoulder up against the wall across from the bed.) Sam: You live here? Tara: Uh-huh. (Sam looks out though a window.) Tara: You want a beer? They're warm. (Tara walks to the paper grocery sack on the small table and reaches inside.) Sam: Uhn...sure. (Sam turns to face Tara as she him a bottle of beer. She also has one for herself. They twist off the bottle caps.) Sam: Is this really where you live? (Sam places the bottle up to his lips and drinks. Tara bounces slightly as she sits on the bed. She isn't smiling anymore. ) Tara: Yes, Sam. This is really where I live. You tryin' to make me feel bad? (Tara drinks from her bottle.) Sam: No, no! It's just that... I thought you were stayin' with Lafayette. Tara: I was. Didja know that he has a web-cam in his bathroom? No way I'm lettin' a bunch of perverts watch me pee. (Sam chuckles, then walks over to Tara and sits beside her on the bed.) Sam: You shoulda told me you needed somewhere to stay. Tara: Why? So you can ride up on your white horse and save me? (Sam rolls his eyes and turns his head away from Tara and back to her.) Sam: Why do you do that? Tara: Do what? Sam: Try and turn everything into a fight. And why is it so hard to just let someone be nice to you? Tara: I don't know, Sam. You think maybe I have bad self-esteem? Maybe it's the only way I know to express my real feelin's. (Tara drinks. Sam just looks at her, then stands up.) Sam: Listen. I should go. Tara: Would you relax? I was only teasin'! (Tara gets up to follow Sam, who is headed for the door.) Sam: Maybe I'm sick of bein' teased. Tara: Stay! (Sam opens the door, and Tara shuts it.) Tara: Please. Sam: What for? Tara: "Cause I want you to. (Sam turns to face Tara.) Sam: Well, I don't wanna play games. I don't want no strings. I just...I want somethin' real in my life. (Tara cradles Sam's cheeks with her hands.) Tara: And you think I don't? (Tara loosely hugs Sam's neck. They look into each other's eyes.) Sam: If we do this...we really did this. (Tara nods, and they kiss.) SCENE 21: The kitchen of the Stackhouse home. The empty glass pie plate sits on the kitchen table with a fork resting in it. Sookie stands up and walks, stops, turns toward the table, and turns and walks away. Upstairs in her bedroom, Sookie looks at herself in her vanity mirror. She takes her hair down and changes into a white nightgown. She walks to her window and watches the sunset. Suddenly, Sookie runs out through the front door of the house and down the driveway. At his house, Bill opens the double front doors and looks from his porch. Sookie is running through the cemetery. Bill closes his eyes. Sookie continues running. Bill opens his eyes and looks up to his left. Sookie runs up Bill's front lawn and Bill runs to greet her. They embrace and kiss one another passionately. Bill picks up Sookie in his arms and walks back to his house. SCENE 22: Tara's motel room, that same night. Tara, wearing a purple bra, falls back on her bed, and screams. Tara: Holy <snip>! (Tara smiles broadly as Sam, shirtless and smiling broadly, enters into view above her. Both are breathing heavily.) Sam: I'll take that as a compliment! Tara: I guess I really needed that. Sam: Me too. Let's do it again. (As Sam and Tara kiss, they notice the sound of a door opening in another room and the voices of the argumentative couple from earlier in the day.) Unknown argumentative woman (off-camera): Come back. Unknown argumentative man (off-camera): I had to, baby. I'm sorry. I love you. Unknown argumentative woman (off-camera): I love you too. I need you. I need you so <snip> much. You're all I've got. (The sound of the arguing couple's door closing is heard.) Sam: I guess they made up. (Tara stops smiling.) Tara: Yeah. Sam: Yeah. (Sam kisses Tara's cheek, and Tara gets up out of bed.) Tara: Listen... I gotta go. Sam: Whoa. What? (Tara puts her dress on, not facing Sam, who is still in bed.) Sam: It's the middle of the night. Tara, what just happened? Did I do somethin'? Tara: It's not about you. (Tara zips up her dress, and turns to face Sam.) Tara: I'm sorry. (Tara bends down, picks up Sam's jeans, and tosses them to him.) Tara: I'll see you at work, OK? (Tara turns and leaves the motel room as Sam watches, confused.) SCENE 23: Somewhere else that same evening, Randi Sue is naked, bouncing up and down. She seems to be enjoying herself. Randi Sue: This feels so good! Oh, God! I love you. I love you! (Randi Sue is revealed to be riding Jason, naked on his back, in his bed. Randi Sue is facing away from Jason, who appears to be in some sort of pain.) SCENE 24: Sookie, still dressed in her white nightgown, is sitting with Bill on his parlor floor in front of his fireplace. She unbuttons his shirt. He places his left arm around her. They kiss. He removes her nightgown. They kiss again. She leans back as he approaches her. He kisses her neck. She touches his lips with her thumb. He kisses her thumb, then stops and grunts. He faces downward. Sookie: Is...is something wrong? (Bill raises his head with a sorrowful look on his face, revealing his fangs. Sookie reaches for him, and pulls him toward her, and they kiss.) SCENE 25: Lettie Mae's house that same evening. The moon is full as Tara enters the living room. Lettie Mae is asleep on the sofa. Tara (softly): Hi, Momma. (Lettie Mae opens her eyes.) Lettie Mae: I knew you'd come. (Lettie Mae reaches out to Tara, and Tara bends down to hug her.) SCENE 26: Bill's house. Bill and Sookie are naked in front of the fire. Bill is kissing Sookie's neck. Sookie: Do it. (Bill's fangs are exposed as he looks in Sookie's eyes.) Sookie: I want you to. (Sookie bends her head back and to the right to expose the left part of her neck even more. She closes her eyes. Bill bites her neck.) Sookie: Ahhh! (Bill licks up the blood from Sookie's neck.)

Plan: A: Sam; Q: Who takes Sookie home? A: Mike Spencer; Q: Who has Adele's body removed? A: Adele's body; Q: What does Mike Spencer remove from Sookie's house? A: the kitchen; Q: Where is Sookie scrubbing up her Gran's blood? A: Andy; Q: Who confronts Jason after the funeral? A: Bud; Q: Who doubts Jason could murder his own grandmother? A: the case; Q: What do Andy and Bud discuss? A: Jason; Q: Who shows up at work stoned on V? A: Jason Stackhouse; Q: Who does Andy regret releasing? A: nosy townspeople; Q: Who is at the wake? A: Maxine Fortenberry; Q: Who tries to move the last pie Adele made? A: Tara; Q: Who takes Sam back to her hotel room? A: the news; Q: What does Jason learn from Hoyt and Rene? A: the face; Q: What part of Sookie's body does Jason smack? A: the damage; Q: What is already done? A: Jason shoves; Q: Who shoves Andy? A: Gran's funeral; Q: What was the next day after the wake? A: more or less a disaster; Q: What was Gran's funeral? A: his and Sookie's estranged uncle Bartlett; Q: Who does Jason invite to the funeral? A: Lettie Mae; Q: Who makes a speech at Gran's funeral? A: his V-juice addiction; Q: What does Jason struggle with? A: a fool; Q: What does Sookie make of herself at the funeral? A: a demon; Q: What does Lettie Mae say Tara has inside of her? A: an exorcism; Q: What does Lettie Mae want money for? A: her grief; Q: What does Sookie finally let out as she eats the pie? A: her mother's problem; Q: What does Tara feel conflicted about? A: her footsteps; Q: What does Bill hear? A: Bill's fangs; Q: What extends when Sookie races to Bill's house? A: his teeth; Q: What does Bill bury into Sookie's neck? A: her neck; Q: Where does Bill bite Sookie? Summary: Sam and Bill, both very protective and territorial, promise to watch over Sookie, who refuses to leave the house her grandmother and she shared. As soon as Mike Spencer has Adele's body removed, Sookie is in the kitchen scrubbing up her Gran's blood. Andy and Bud discuss the case and although Andy regrets releasing Jason Stackhouse, Bud doubts he could murder his own grandmother. The next day, Sookie holds a wake for Adele in the house, which is full of nosy townspeople. Sookie loses it when Maxine Fortenberry attempts to make room in the fridge by moving the last pie Adele made before she was killed. Tara and Lafayette take Sookie upstairs and tell her not to worry about entertaining the people downstairs and to just feel whatever she's feeling. Sookie confesses that she doesn't think she is feeling anything at all. Jason, oblivious to his Gran's death, shows up at work stoned on V and learns the news from Hoyt and Rene. He races over to the wake, storms into Sookie's room and smacks her square on the face, screaming that it was her fault. Tara pushes Jason out, telling him she doesn't even know who he is anymore. Tara tries to comfort her, but the damage is already done. Outside, Andy confronts Jason and practically accuses him of murdering Adele and Jason shoves Andy down as though he weighed nothing. Gran's funeral the following day is more or less a disaster. Jason invites his and Sookie's estranged uncle Bartlett, which aggravates Sookie. Tara's mother Lettie Mae shows up and makes a speech about a woman she barely knew, Jason continues to struggle with his V-juice addiction and Sookie makes a fool of herself when she cannot block out the townspeople's thoughts and tells them all to "shut the fuck up!" When the funeral is over, Lettie Mae approaches Tara and tells her that she has a demon inside of her that makes her drink and she needs money for an exorcism. Tara thinks this is ridiculous and storms off. Sam takes Sookie home and she tells him that she wants to be alone, but Sam doesn't and neither does Tara. Finally alone, Sookie takes the pie out of the fridge and finally lets out her grief as she eats it, sobbing over every bite. Tara takes Sam back to her hotel room and they have sex. Afterwards, Tara starts to feel conflicted about her mother's problem and leaves Sam alone in the room. Sookie races to Bill's house, Bill hears her footsteps and sweeps her up. In Bill's house, they strip naked and Bill's fangs extend. Sookie tells him she wants him to do it, and Bill buries his teeth into her neck and starts to drink.

TIME-FLIGHT BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part One Running time: 24:56 [SCENE_BREAK] (We see footage of a Concorde aircraft in the sky, then we get to the inside of the cabin.) CAPTAIN URQUHART: This is Captain Urquhart again, we're still traveling supersonic, ladies and gentleman, 57,000 feet. Just to let you know that we will be reaching our deceleration point in a few minutes and beginning our descent into London Heathrow. CAPTAIN URQUHART: Good afternoon London, Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2. (He is talking to the control tower at Heathrow airport where trusty air traffic controller Clive Horton is on duty.) CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 you are cleared to descend to flight level 3-7-0. CAPTAIN URQUHART: Roger cleared 3-7-0. CO-PILOT: Mark 1 point 6, 60 miles to subsonic, spot on. CAPTAIN URQUHART: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 level at 3-7-0. CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 you are cleared to continue descent to 2-8-0. (There is no immediate answer.) CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 will you acknowledge please. CAPTAIN URQUHART: (Over radio, gradually fading out) Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2. Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2. Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 ... CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 will you acknowledge. (Scene shifts to the flight attendant passing out brochures for the communist party, then back to the Air traffic Control Center.) CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2 will you acknowledge please. (He takes off his headset and picks up a telephone.) CLIVE HORTON: I have total RT breakdown on Speedbird Concorde 1-9-2. (The plane is still flying through the sky.) (There is now someone else looking over Horton's shoulder.) CLIVE HORTON: I don't believe it, she's approaching London, but the trace is becoming intermittent. (We see the Concorde in flight again.) FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and Gentelman, in a few minutes we should be ... . garble globble gorp. (The plane disappears from the sky.) (The icon on the radar screen disappears. Horton picks up a red phone.) CLIVE HORTON: Emergency, we have lost contact with Concorde Golf Victor Foxtrot. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the TARDIS, where Adric has just gone boom in the space freighter while the Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa watched, the Doctor comes into the console room quietly, and closes the door.) DOCTOR: Crew of the freighter safely returned to their own time. NYSSA: Cyberfleet dispersed. TEGAN: Great, you make it sound like a shopping list, ticking off things as you go. Aren't you forgetting something rather important? Adric is dead! NYSSA: Tegan please. DOCTOR: We feel his loss as well. TEGAN: Well you could do more than grieve. You could go back. (The Doctor has a look of horror on his face.) NYSSA: Could you? DOCTOR: No. NYSSA: Surely the TARDIS is quite capable. TEGAN: We can change what happened if we materialize before Adric was killed. DOCTOR: And change your own history. TEGAN: Look, the freighter could still crash into earth, that doesn't have to be changed. Only Adric doesn't have to be on board. DOCTOR: Now listen to me both of you, there are some rules that cannot be broken, even with the TARDIS. Don't ever ask me to do anything like that again. You must accept that Adric is dead. His life wasn't wasted, he died trying to save others, just like his brother Varsh. You know, Adric had a choice, this is the way he wanted it. TEGAN: We used to fight a lot. I'll miss him. NYSSA: So will I. (The Doctor walks around behind them.) DOCTOR: And me. But he wouldn't want us to mourn unnecessarily. (The Doctor activates some controls on the console.) NYSSA: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Special treat to cheer us all up. NYSSA: 1851, Earth, London. What's so special about that, Doctor? DOCTOR: Hyde Park, the Crystal Palace? TEGAN: 1851, The Great Exhibition? DOCTOR: All the wonders of Victorian science and technology. TEGAN: Well, the TARDIS should feel at home. DOCTOR: How about opening day, pass the time of day with the foreign royals. We can even drop in at Lords, see a few overs from Wisden and Pilch. I wonder if the Lion will be bowling. TEGAN: Let's get there first. DOCTOR: Yes. All right. (He flips a switch and the TARDIS immediately shudders violently. They all grab onto the console.) DOCTOR: Nyssa have you touched the dimensional stabilizers? NYSSA: No of course not. All systems functioning normally. DOCTOR: It could be the relative drift compensator. NYSSA: No. TEGAN: Some sort of turbulence. DOCTOR: Ah, feedback from the solar comparator. No. NYSSA: Another ship. DOCTOR: Another ship? What do you mean, another ship? NYSSA: If it builds up at this frequency it could draw us into spatial convergence. We must materialize immediately. TEGAN: We're due to land in London in a few minutes. DOCTOR: If we don't materialize the TARDIS will be destroyed. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at the airport.) CLIVE HORTON: Look at this, something has just ... manifested. Same flight path as 1-9-2. No transponder signal. It's smaller, can't be Victor Foxtrot. Unidentified aircraft on approach to 1-0 left will you acknowledge. (The TARDIS materializes in hover mode above a runway. Inside, they still cling to the console.) DOCTOR: Seems to have done the trick. NYSSA: Where are we? DOCTOR: Somewhere above Hyde Park. The view should be spectacular. (He opens the scanner screen, takes one look and turns around startled.) TEGAN: That's not Hyde Park, that's Heathrow Airport! DOCTOR: You're right. TEGAN: Well I never thought I'd say this, but let's get out of here. We could be in the path of an oncoming aircraft. NYSSA: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Coordinate override. A sort of anti-collision device. (TARDIS de-materializes.) CLIVE HORTON: It's gone, must have been a light aircraft. AIRPORT ANNOUNCER: Air Australia apologizes for the delay to all flights which is due to weather conditions at Heathrow. (The TARDIS materializes inside the airport terminal.) TEGAN: You've landed us right in the middle of a terminal building. DOCTOR: So I have. TEGAN: The authorities will go mad! DOCTOR: Well we'll only be here a moment, I hope. (Just outside in the terminal, an airport security man strolling through the main floor looks up and sees a police box sitting where there shouldn't be one. He reaches for his walkie talkie. Back inside the TARDIS.) TEGAN: Please hurry. DOCTOR: I am. Ah! TEGAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: I won't be a moment. TEGAN: Doctor! NYSSA: At least we won't be noticed. TEGAN: What do you mean, because this is a police box? NYSSA: Well, this is Earth. For once it's a perfect camouflage. TEGAN: This is the 1980's Nyssa. Police boxes went out with flower power. (They step out of the TARDIS into the terminal.) TEGAN: Oh no. (The Doctor returns leafing through the sport section of a newspaper.) DOCTOR: I don't know what English cricket is coming to. NYSSA: Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmmmmm? NYSSA: Doctor! (A group of airport security people approach. Cut to some nerd on the phone. The nerd is Airport Controller Douglas Sheard.) DOUGLAS SHEARD: I have just lost a complete complement of passengers and crew, not to mention 30 million pounds worth of aircraft, as if I want to know about a police box in terminal 1. JIM ANDREWS: There isn't a Police Box in terminal one. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Land side security is you problem Jim. JIM ANDREWS: Not to mention all those VIP's waiting the arrival of 1-9-2 in terminal 3. (He takes the phone.) Andrews. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Now, Mr Horton, we need you to explain to us exactly what you saw on the radar when Victor Foxtrot began the deceleration procedure. JIM ANDREWS: That's not possible. What? I'll be right over. There's something very odd going on in terminal one. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Yes... Now you lost contact with the aircraft over the Bristol Channel here. MR. WOOD: Yes, the RT started to breakup and the transponder signal just faded from the screen. (Jim Andrews enters Terminal 1.) JIM ANDREWS: Are you responsible for this box, sir? DOCTOR: Well, uh, I try to be. NYSSA: Doctor, you've done it again. DOCTOR: Nonsense, we'll be away from here in no time. JIM ANDREWS: Would you be so good as to open it up sir? DOCTOR: Is that a good idea? JIM ANDREWS: I must insist sir, security. DOCTOR: Yes of course, security. JIM ANDREWS: Do you have the key sir? DOCTOR: UNIT. JIM ANDREWS: Sir? DOCTOR: You'd do much better to check with UNIT, department C19. Sir John Sudbury is the man you want. JIM ANDREWS: And who exactly are you sir? DOCTOR: Oh just tell him it's the Doctor. And do send my regards to Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. Unless of course, he's a General by now. You see, what did I say. We'll be gone in a couple of shakes. DOUGLAS SHEARD: A Doctor with a police box, really Sir John. Yes, yes of course I appreciate the political ramifications. But surely that's all the more reason for not wasting time with this Doctor. Yes, I, yes I beg your pardon, of course. If you insist Sir John. JIM ANDREWS: The party with the police box in terminal one have full security clearance from C19. DOUGLAS SHEARD: That was UNIT. We are obliged to brief this Doctor on the disappearance of Victor Foxtrot. TEGAN: Always the same with you, whenever we stop anywhere you have to get involved. DOCTOR: Be quiet, I'm thinking. TEGAN: We were supposed to be going to the great exhibition. DOCTOR: Well we will eventually. NYSSA: That's all you ever say. TEGAN: You promised. DOCTOR: Look Tegan this is your planet, I would've thought you wanted to help. TEGAN: I am helping. By wanting to leave the recovery of Concorde to the experts. DOCTOR: Well I might be able to help. TEGAN: That's what worries me. (He opens the door to the Airport Controller's office and strides in.) DOCTOR: Good afternoon gentlemen. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Good heavens. JIM ANDREWS: Ah yes, this is the Doctor. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Ohh, ahh, urp, nerf, How ah, how do you do Doctor? DOCTOR: This is uh Nyssa and Tegan. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Oh, oh you're a stewardess. TEGAN: That's right. DOCTOR: Now I believe you are having problems with Concorde. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Tell ah Tell the Doctor would you please. CLIVE HORTON: Well, this mornings Concorde flight from New York disappeared from the radar just after it's deceleration. DOCTOR: Disappeared? CLIVE HORTON: Yes, it just faded from the screen. TEGAN: It didn't ... crash? CLIVE HORTON: It was flying on a level course all systems were working normally. DOCTOR: Indeed, I wonder. TEGAN: Wonder what? DOCTOR: Remember the turbulence we experienced. TEGAN: That forced us to materialize. DOCTOR: Yes, I wonder very much indeed. NYSSA: It's sounds as though it could be cross tracing on the time space axis. DOCTOR: Exactly! DOUGLAS SHEARD: Are you saying you know where the missing aircraft is. DOCTOR: I suspect it is not a question of where, but, eh, when. (Scene changes to a Concorde on a snowy tarmac.) ANDREW BILTON: Any idea what these tests are for Captain Stapley? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: All I know is some scientist wants to take up some special equipment to monitor the approach used by Victor Foxtrot when she went throught the deceleration phase. ROGER SCOBIE: Morning skipper, all ready for loading. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Is the gear on its way? ROGER SCOBIE: Coming over now. (They turn to see a police box on a forklift approaching the aircraft. Back in the Controller's office.) DOUGLAS SHEARD: But why does it have to be another Concorde? DOCTOR: We must follow the same route, same height, same speed; and with my equipment on board, I can identify what I believe to be an exponential time contour. DOUGLAS SHEARD: And you really believe that Victor Foxtrot flew into a time warp? DOCTOR: Exactly. And we can't have a navigational hazard like that hanging about the galaxy. (The phone rings and Sheard goes to answer it.) DOUGLAS SHEARD: Yes. Thank you. Gulf Alpha Charlie is ready for boarding. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside, the TARDIS crew are being driven to the Concorde. Inside the cockpit the crew see their approach.) ANDREW BILTON: Here they come. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside, they jump out of the car eagerly.) TEGAN: I saw Concorde once, on the tarmac at Melbourne. (They climb the ladder and are met at the door by Stapley.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Morning Doctor, I'm Captain Stapley. (They enter the aircraft and head toward the cockpit.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Uh, may I introduce my first officer Andrew Bilton, our flight engineer Roger Scobie. DOCTOR: And this is Nyssa, and Tegan. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Would you mind going back and fasten your seatbelts for take-off please. CLIVE HORTON: Gulf Alpha Charlie clear for take-off. (Stock footage of a Concorde taking off with a lingering look at the landing gear folding up. Back to air traffic control.) CLIVE HORTON: Gulf Alpha Charlie is now at 58000 feet, 150 miles off the Cornish coast. It's scheduled to turn onto it's approach in four minutes. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Do you seriously believe that Victor Foxtrot got caught in some sort of time-slip? DOCTOR: Seems to be the logical explanation. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Sounds a pretty rum idea to me. ROGER SCOBIE: Hang on a moment though, Doctor. If we follow Victor Foxtrot's course and end up somewhere over the rainbow, well, we're on a one-way ticket just like Captain Urquhart's lot. DOCTOR: You're forgetting the TARDIS. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The TARDIS? You mean that police box? (The Doctor looks hurt.) DOCTOR: That's right. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to the Air Traffic Control center.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: (Over Radio) Gulf Alpha Charlie now six north, thirty west, request clearance to return to London. CLIVE HORTON: Gulf Alpha Charlie clear to turn to port, route via Sierra November, fifteen west to London. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Roger, Gulf Alpha Charlie turning to port. CLIVE HORTON: They're now on the same configuration as 1-9-2. (Meanwhile, back on the Concorde.) DOCTOR: It's amazing. NYSSA: What. DOCTOR: This thing's smaller on the inside than it is on the outside. (He opens the TARDIS which is lying on its side in the Concorde cargo hold.) DOCTOR: Wait here. (Doctor climbs in and slides along the console room floor, feet resting on the console. He reaches for a switch. As he flips it, the orientation of the console room turns and rights itself and the Doctor's weight is transferred to his back. Before he has a chance to stand up, Nyssa and Tegan come strolling in, in an unexplained feat of physics.) NYSSA: I wish I'd know about that when we were on Castrovalva. DOCTOR: So useful when you want to maintain a dignified attitude. TEGAN: Concorde should begin a descent deceleration procedure at any minute. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: (over radio) Gulf Alpha Charlie request permission to descend to 3-7-0. CLIVE HORTON: It's happening again. ANDREW BILTON: Did you feel something? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I'm not sure. Gulf Alpha Charlie, permission to descend to 3-7-0. (No answer.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: London, this is Gulf Alpha Charlie, do you read. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the TARDIS the Doctor sets the hat stand upright.) NYSSA: Doctor, we're time traveling! TEGAN: The column isn't moving DOCTOR: The Concorde has just flown through the time contour. ROGER SCOBIE: Captain, the radiation meter's on alert. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Must be a solar flare. DOCTOR: (Entering cockpit) Oh, I doubt it, Captain. It's simply reacting to centuries of galactic radiation through which we're passing. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: London this is Gulf Alpha Charlie, do you read? DOCTOR: I'm afraid your radio is useless, Captain. By my estimation we're the spatial equivalent of 400 billion miles from air traffic control. VOICE OVER RADIO: Gulf Alpha Charlie please descend to 3-7-0. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Fasten your seatbelt please, Doctor. By my calculations we're 20 minutes from touchdown. (The Doctor is puzzled. Back at air traffic control.) CLIVE HORTON: We've lost them! DOUGLAS SHEARD: Another Concorde! So much for the Doctor! CLIVE HORTON: Where have they gone? (We're spared the lengthy and potentially stock-footage-laden landing sequence and find ourselves already landed and locked down with the cabin door open. The Doctor and Stapley emerge into the daylight.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Heathrow, Doctor. TEGAN: I ought to feel at home getting in and out of aircraft, it's all a bit unreal after the TARDIS. NYSSA: There's something very unreal about all of this. DOCTOR: That's why this tree doth continue to be since observed by yours faithfully, god. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's that Doctor? DOCTOR: To be is to be perceived, a naïve 18th century philosophy. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: ah.... (They come down the stairs. Nyssa seems to feel something. She looks around for a long time with an odd look on her face. Then she turns to her right and sees something that makes her let out a supposedly uncharacteristic scream.) NYSSA: Aahhhhhhhhhh! TEGAN: Nyssa, what's the matter? NYSSA: Didn't you see them? There were decaying corpses. ANDREW BILTON: There's nothing there. DOCTOR: Nothing there. I wonder. Perceptual induction. ANDREW BILTON: What are you talking about, Doctor? DOCTOR: I want you all to concentrate very hard. ROGER SCOBIE: You don't give up, do you, Doctor? DOCTOR: Concentrate! Look at anything, observe it in every detail. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What are you doing to us Doctor? DOCTOR: Perceptual induction. And I'm undoing it. Concentrate, it's the only way to fight it and find out where we really are. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But we're at Heathrow. DOCTOR: Ah, you think your at Heathrow. So did I. Well almost, up to a moment ago. Now concentrate, all together, it must be a concerted effort! TEGAN: That plane. I can't focus properly. NYSSA: Nothing's moving. ANDREW BILTON: It is blurred. NYSSA: I'm getting cold. DOCTOR: You see, the coherence is breaking up. (A flash and a sort of semi explosion happens and the entire background changes. Some of them are lying against rocks. The Doctor stands up first as they all look around.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Where are we? DOCTOR: Just where you thought we were Captain. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Heathrow? DOCTOR: Some a hundred and forty million years ago. ROGER SCOBIE: I think I'm dreaming. DOCTOR: Quite the reverse Mr. Scobie, you've just woken up. ANDREW BILTON: I don't believe it. DOCTOR: Definitely Jurassic. There's a nip in the air though. We can't be far off the Pleistoceine era. TEGAN: The ice age? DOCTOR: It's times like this I wish I still had my scarf. Better watch out for the odd brontosaurus. NYSSA: Were they the creatures I saw? DOCTOR: I doubt it, but I should think they came from this time zone. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Do you really mean, we have gone backward down a time contour. DOCTOR: Have you another explanation? ANDREW BILTON: But we were on Concorde. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: How did we land on this? DOCTOR: Very violently by the look of it. ANDREW BILTON: The touchdown was perfect. DOCTOR: Like having a tooth out under hypnosis, you don 't feel a thing. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But the approach to Heathrow was utterly real. DOCTOR: So was the Indian Rope Trick. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But Doctor, somewhere in this wilderness must be the passengers and crew of Victor Foxtrot. DOCTOR: Well don't worry Captain. we'll find them. Lets hope no one finds us first. ANDREW BILTON: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Behind every illusion is a conjurer, in this case I shouldn't think he went to all this trouble for our entertainment. TEGAN: Doctor, it's the other Concorde! DOCTOR: Ah, ah, Tegan wait! All of you, stay here. (Cut to the interior of a freaky snow globe.) KALID: Sharoz sharoz. Tumal. Balor. Balor. Sharoz sharoz tumal, balor balor. All things come to their appointed end soon, sooooonnn. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back on one of the BBC's high quality sets.) TEGAN: Look, a building. Are we hallucinating? DOCTOR: I doubt it. The illusion is always one of normality. TEGAN: Well that's not exactly terminal three. Who could have built it? DOCTOR: I think the answer might be over there. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at the set constructed by Mrs. Crookedteeths third grade class.) ROGER SCOBIE: How much longer have we got to wait here? ANDREW BILTON: We don't we do a bit of a recce? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Look, I have developed a very healthy respect for the Doctor, and he wants us to stay put. NYSSA: No! Danger! We must find the Doctor! ANDREW BILTON: Nyssa what's the matter? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Come one, we'd better go after her. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at Kalid's Snow Globe of love.) KALID: You have your work, go to it. (group of people leave) Vishon, Vishon. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back on another classy set.) ANDREW BILTON: Look, it's a motorway! It's the M4! NYSSA: It's an illusion. ANDREW BILTON: I don't care it might lead us out of this time warp. ROGER SCOBIE: At least it looks light civilization. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Now you stay where you are, that's an order. Remember the Indian Rope Trick. (The vision fades.) NYSSA: I can't see anything. ANDREW BILTON: Sigh. NYSSA: What was the Indian Rope Trick? (Cut to a scene of the Doctor and Tegan surronded by a pile of junk.) TEGAN: Someone's ship? DOCTOR: Been here a long time. TEGAN: Doctor, can we get out of here? (Once again our eyes are tortured by a backdrop that can only be bought at an art sale at your local Holiday Inn.) ROGER SCOBIE: So, this fakir throws the rope up into the air, and he and his assistant climb up it, and Presto, they disappear. (Landing gear set.) (Third grade set again.) TEGAN: They've gone. ROGER SCOBIE: Well some clever devil had taken photographs, and the reality is that there's the rope lying on the floor and this Indian JuJu man and his oppo are hiding behind some bushes laughing like a couple of skunks! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Shhh. Quiet. Look. NYSSA: They've got the TARDIS. ANDREW BILTON: There's Dave Culshaw and Angela Clifford, they were on Victor Foxtrot. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Wait!!! ANDREW BILTON: Angela. ROGER SCOBIE: Dave! Dave! ANGELA CLIFFORD: Andrew, you didn't tell me you had a New York stopover. ANDREW BILTON: What are you talking about? ROGER SCOBIE: Look, old chap, this is all a bit of a snare and a delusion. ANGELA CLIFFORD: Andrew, we've got a few chores to do. See you in the bar in half an hour. ANDREW BILTON: Snap out of it, you're not in New York. ANGELA CLIFFORD: The Captain wants us to try that new Indonesian Restaurant he's found. ROGER SCOBIE: We'll have to grab them. (Cut back to Captain Stapley and Nyssa.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's happening? (Cut back to the happy reunion, where some concrete dudes materialize around Scobie, Bilton, Clifford and that other guy who can't stop smiling. Scobie and Bilton get whisked away with the Concrete Men by some high quality smog. Back in Kalid's Snow Globe of Love.) KALID: Sharom shara. Shara sharom! (A happy reunion occurs when the Doctor and Tegan meet up with Nyssa and Captain Stapley.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor, those creatures have taken Bilton and Scobie! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the damn globe again.) KALID: Evaneragh! (He can see them in the globe.) Tumal. Tumaal! DOCTOR: Are you sure it wasn't an illusion? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: They were real all right. NYSSA: Doctor! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Behind you!

Plan: A: Adric's death; Q: What is the Doctor still dealing with? A: London's Heathrow airport; Q: Where does the Doctor land the Tardis? A: a missing Concord SST; Q: What is the Doctor involved with? Summary: The Doctor still dealing with Adric's death, lands the Tardis at London's Heathrow airport and soon becomes involved with a missing Concord SST.

Lily and Marshall are running in the streets Ted from 2030: Kids, about eight months into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's engagement, there occurred a game-changing emergency. [12 minutes earlier, at the appartment] Marshall: Van Smoot is available. Lily: Oh, my God! Ted from 2030: Van Smoot House was a gorgeous mansion right on the Hudson River. It had everything Marshall and Lily wanted for their wedding, but it was never available. And then, suddenly, it was. Marshall: There was a cancellation two months from now. Lily: You want to have our wedding in two months? No. It's impossible. Marshall: It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream! Lily: No, there's just not enough time. There's no way... Oh! Mini-vomit. Marshall: Okay, look, look, look. I know that it's sudden, but check it. If we don't take this, guess who's on their way with a deposit check. Lily: Todd and Valerie? (An other couple is running) Ted from 2030: When you're planning a wedding, there's always one couple with similar taste that seems to be one step ahead of you. Todd and Valerie were that couple. Marshall: We got to make a decision. Todd and Valerie are in motion. Van Smoot! Lily: Oh! Kids, color!(Lily runs out of class, Marshall runs out pf the appartment, they join in the street) Come on, baby. Marshall: Come on, come on, come on. Todd: Hello, Marshall. Lily. Marshall: Todd. Valerie. Stairs. The Bar Lily: I can't believe it. We got Van Smoot House. Marshall: It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. Robin: What? Marshall: You're a wonder. Ted: Wow! You guys are getting married in two months. Robin: How are you going to get everything done? Lily: Division of labor. Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up. Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist. Ted from 2030: Robin had been mad at me since the night I slightly exaggerated my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Was it...? Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Or, actually, Robin, why don't you go to the florist? And, Ted, I could use your keen architectural eye on... on the invitations. Marshall: Wow. That was really awkward, Lil. And still. It's still really awkward right now. Barney: Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do? Lily: Okay, your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me. Barney: Lil, you know I can't promise that. At the appartment (Lily fell asleep on wedding books, Marshall and Ted enters) Marshall: Shh! Shh! Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out. Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad. Lily: Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing. Marshall: Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88! Lily: Who? Marshall: The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking. Ted: I saw them two months ago at my cousin Bonzo's wedding, they were great. Lily: John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin? Ted: Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer from Led Zeppelin, who died in 1980, got married two months ago. Lily: Look, I... I can't sign off on a band I've never even seen. We... we don't even know if they can play our song. They're... they're going to have to come over here and audition. Marshall: Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're, like, the Wiggles of wedding bands. Lily: Well, then... I have to say no. Marshall: Baby, they're only holding the date until Monday. Lily: Well... well, are they playing anywhere this weekend? Marshall: Let me check their Website. Lily: What? Ted: Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing. Lily: Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay? Ted: Wow. (Barney enters) Barney: Guys! I just tasted an amazing caterer. Lily: We already have a caterer. Barney: Oh, right. You're getting married. You see what I did there? Took a... Marshall: It looks like The 88 are playing at a high school prom in New Jersey tomorrow. Lily: A prom? Can... can we go to that? Marshall: Yeah, we'll just call the high school, they'll let us stand in the back and watch. [11 secondes later...] Lily: Yeah. No, they won't. Marshall: Why not? Lily: 'Cause it turns out we're not in high school. Barney: No sweat, we'll just sneak in. Marshall: We're not sneaking in to a high school prom. Lily: Yes, we are. It's the only way. Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped. Lily: It's nine weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything. Barney: Well... Lily: No, Barney. The Bar Ted from 2030: And so, Aunt Lily had the plan to crash the prom. Robin: I'll go with you. Lily: Really? Robin: Yeah. I never got to go to my prom. We always had field hockey nationals in the spring. Barney: Lesbian. Robin: The cough is supposed to cover the "lesbian." Barney: No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate. Lily: Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school? Barney: Please, I'm ageless, Scherbotsky just needs a good night's sleep, and you've got "statutory" written all over your body. Ted: Hey, why don't we all go? Robin: I don't know-- more people might be harder to sneak in. We don't want to mess things up for Lily. Ted: Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I have been planning on having a guy's night out before the wedding. Why don't we just make it tomorrow night? Marshall: Sounds awesome. We should go out and just get freakin' weird. Ted: Yeah. Marshall: 'Cause, you know, you be a bad, bad man, and I be an outlaw. Barney: Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't drive off no cliffs now, ya hear? Lame! But seriously, leave me a message, and we'll meet up later. At the appartment Lily: All right, what do you think? Barney: Horrible. Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad. Barney: You look so classy and nice. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home. Lily: Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band, 'cause we have to make a decision by Monday, 'cause I'm getting married in 71 days, and we still don't have... Robin: Shh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's it. Lily: All right. Barney: That's the spirit. Now, ladies, slut up! In the bedroom Robin: I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough. Lily: I didn't know I still had this. Robin: What? Lily: The dress I wore to my actual prom. [FLASHBACK] Scooter: Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom, and not like in a corporate, plastic way. Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul. Lily: Aw, you look great, too, Scooter. Scooter: So big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in! Lily: Oh, disco! I am so happy for you. Scooter: You mean happy for us, right, babe? Lily: Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday. Scooter: No, baby. We're gonna be an umpire someday. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Nice. You ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing. Robin: No, Barney, this is as far as we're going to go. I'm not showing anymore... Barney: Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers. Lily: Aw. Sweet. Thank you. Barney: Oh, Robin, are you tearing up? Robin: No. I've never been to prom before, okay? Lily: We got to go. See ya. Ted: Bye, have fun. See you. (Lily, Robin and Barney leave) Marshall: They grow up into skanks so fast, don't they, Ted? Ted: So, what, we ready for tonight? Marshall: Yeah. Just one thing we got to do first. Ted: Shot of Jim Beam? Marshall: Yeah. Ted: Yes! Marshall: And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff 200 wedding invitations. Ted: What?! Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, but you saw how stressed out she is. Ted: Come on! You've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break. Once you're married, if we go out and you get so drunk you throw up, it'll be sad, but if we do it tonight... it'll be less sad. Marshall: Okay, it'll be cool-- I'll tell you what. We'll make a game out of it. First one to stuff a hundred invitations gets a big prize. Ted: Do I look like I'm four? All right, what kind of prize are we talking? [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the prom Lily: Wow, a lot more security than when we were kids. Robin: Is this gonna work? Lily: Yeah. Look, when I was 17, I used to sneak into clubs all the time. It's all about confidence. Follow me. Whee-hoo! Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom-- whee-hoo! Security guard: Uh, you're adults. Lily: Okay, bye. Okay, look, I just need to see the band. I'm getting married in two months, and... Security guard: And you're just finding a band? Barney: Hey, ho, hey! Security guard: I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student. Lily: Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate. Barney: It's cool. Time to activate plan B. Scherbotsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow? Scherbotsky? Robin: Hey, guys. Do you want to take two hot girls to prom? Boy: We don't have that kind of money. Robin: For free. Boy: Oh, hell yeah! Robin: Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily. Lily: Hi. Shall we? Boy: Sure. I knew it would happen. This is the dream. Robin: Oh, hey, wait. How's Barney getting in? Barney: Don't worry about me. I'll get in. Oh... I'll get in. Inside the building Lily: We're in! Singer: Thank you. We're going to take a break. Lily: Oh, you're kidding me. Boy #1: Hey, uh, you ladies want something to take the edge off? Robin: Yeah, what the hell? It's prom. That tastes like cough syrup. Boy #1: Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Um, our fake IDs say we're only 20. We didn't realize it till after we bought them. Robin: Nerds who aren't good at math? Life's going to be rough, boys. Lily: Hi. Excuse me. I was wondering if you guys could play "Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes. I know it's probably not in your repertoire, but I'm getting married and my fiancé wants to hire you guys as the band, but I can't sign off on it until I hear you play "Good Feeling" because that's our song, and what kind of wedding band would you be if you couldn't play our song, right? Right? Man: Look, I'm kinda wasted right now, so I didn't understand any of that. But, uh, if you get us the sheet music, we'll play your song. Boy #1: So, you buzzing, baby? Robin: My phlegm feels looser. At the appartment Ted: This is pathetic. It's guys' night. We should be out in a bar getting in fights. If I got in a fight, would you have my back? Marshall: You know it. Ted: I'd have your back, too. Marshall: That's cool. Ted: What, you don't think you'd need my help? You don't know what I can do. I'm like... like a berserker. Marshall: Okay, Ted. (His phone starts rigging) Hello. Robin: Hey, it's Robin. Um, Lily needs you to download the sheet music for "Good Feeling" and bring it out here, like, now. Marshall: Hang on. It's Robin. She wants me to go to prom. Can Ted come? Ted: Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame! I don't even want to go anyway. Robin: Uh, I don't know. Things have been so weird between us. Ted: What'd she say? What'd she say? Robin: He lied and told me he broke up with his girlfriend to try to hook up with me. I mean, I know he apologized for it but it's just, it's not easy to forgive. Look, if you absolutely must bring Ted, it's, it's not like I'm going to claw my own eyes out if he comes. Marshall: Okay, bye. She totally wants you to come. At the prom Robin: All right, sheet music's on the way. Are you okay? Lily: There's just so much to do for this wedding. My head is swirling. It's just all moving too fast. [FLASHBACK] Scooter: How is it moving too fast? We've been together for two years. Lily: I just... I just don't want everything in my life to be decided already. Scooter: What's decided? I go to umpire school, you go to college. We move into my dad's house in Staten Island. We have kids, we grow old together. What's decided? It's wide open! Lily: Scooter, when I go off to college, that's the end for us. Scooter: You're, you're breaking up with me? Lily: There's still so much I want to do. I want to travel, live overseas as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship. Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain. Scooter: I can't believe this. I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain. Please, just don't leave me. I'm nothing without you, baby. Lily: Please don't put that kind of pressure on me! It's too much! [END OF FLASHBACK] Boy #2: It's just one dance, God! Lily: What? Robin: Well, we did promise them one dance. Lily: Yeah, sure, okay. So Andrew, what's your big plan? What's life going to be like after tonight? Andrew: Well, you know I got it all worked out. Uh, leave this place in my dust, four awesome years at college, and then I'll move to Prague or start my own video game company or something. Lily: No, you won't. Andrew: I won't? Lily: No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to. You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college and you'll give up your independence and you'll never live abroad and you'll wind up old before your time wondering "Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?" Andrew: Whoa. You really think I'll get a girlfriend? Boy #1: So, uh, what's the deal here? Am I getting lucky tonight? Robin: Oh, Sean, look, um, you're a nice guy, but I just don't... No, you're not getting lucky tonight. Giant Turtle: Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me. Ted: Okay. Giant Turtle: How'd you get in here? Marshall: What's it to you, giant turtle? Giant Turtle: It's me, Barney. Marshall: Oh, hey. Where's Lily? Barney: She's in the bathroom. Marshall: Wait here, I should go talk to the band. Ted: All right. Barney: How did you guys get in here? Ted: We just snuck in the back. Barney: You just snu... Are you serious? I've been trying to get in here all night. I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume. Ted: But you got in. Slow and steady won the race. Marshall: Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée Lily? Andrew: Your fiancée? Whoa, tonight she's with me, bro. Unless you're looking for trouble. Marshall: Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom and the adrenaline's pumping, but... Andrew: No, not tonight. I've waited too long for this. I finally got a girl and I'm not going to let you take her away from me. Marshall: Whoa, whoa. Look, let's not get carried away. Andrew: Yah! Nunchaku! Lily: I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high school senior. Robin: I can't believe a high school senior unloaded like that on me. I'm going to ask you something and, um, maybe it's crazy 'cause you guys are the cutest couple ever. But, um, are you having second thoughts? Lily: Yeah. But not about Marshall. About me. I just keep thinking about the girl I was ten years ago and wondering what happened to her. [FLASHBACK] Lily: I don't want to be tied down. I want to live in France and Spain and Italy and just soak up life and put it on a canvas, even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years, I don't care. I'm going to be a painter. And I can't do any of that with a, with a boyfriend shackled around my neck, you know? But anyway, I'm blabbering. Way to make new friends, Lily. I'm sorry. What was your name again? Man: Marshall. Lily: Nice to meet you, Marshall. Guess we're hallmates. Marshall: Yeah. Lily: It works. Marshall: Violent Femmes. I love this song. Lily: Me, too. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I didn't have any of the experiences I set out to. The travel, the bohemian art life, my big lesbian experience. I didn't do any of it. Robin: Lily, you're marrying your best friend in the world. I mean, isn't that worth all the other experiences combined? Lily: Yeah. Robin: And look, you can still travel, I mean, you can still paint. And as far as your lesbian experience... Happy? Lily: Yeah. So field hockey, huh? Robin: Shut up. Outside Security guard #1: Trespassing, assaulting a minor. This mascot costume you stole cost $5,000. Security guard #2: We can have you guys arrested, you know that? Ted: Oh, come on-- you're the one who let in a kid with nunchakus. You call yourself security guards? I was just defending my boy here. Marshall: I totally could have taken that kid. Ted: Uh, yeah, and I totally had your back, so... Marshall: Well, I don't need it, but thanks. Ted: Uh, yeah, you did, and you're welcome. Marshall: No, the kid was totally, like, a white belt and I'm gigantic. Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need to get in there for one more song. Security guards: Absolutely not. Barney: You guys will thank me for this later, okay? Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...? (Barney takes the head of the turtle, and starts running away) Security guard #1: Hey! Ted: You know, for a turtle, he's surprisingly quick. Singer: This one goes out to that redhead girl and that tall guy. Ted: So how was your first prom? Robin: You tell me. I hated my dress, my date got wasted and puked on me, there was a huge fight and I kissed a girl. Ted: So, basically, it was a prom. Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a we're-going-to-make-out way, not even in an I-forgive-you way. Just in a I've-missed-you way. Ted: I'll take what I can get. Barney: And that, my friends, is why you don't get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club. Marshall: So you got to admit, The 88 are rocking our song. Lily: Yeah, it's good. Marshall: Band? Check. Two months, baby. Two months. Lily: Two months.

Plan: A: wedding arrangements; Q: What do Lily and Marshall scramble to decide on? A: a band; Q: What do Lily and Marshall sneak into a high school prom to see? A: a high school prom; Q: What event did the group sneak into? A: their friendship; Q: What do Ted and Robin decide to try to repair? Summary: When Lily and Marshall's dream wedding venue has a sudden opening two months earlier than their planned wedding date, the couple scramble to decide on wedding arrangements. In order to preview a band that they are considering hiring, the group sneak into a high school prom where the band is performing. As they dance to the band, Ted and Robin decide to try to repair their friendship.

THE TIME MONSTER BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER throws BENTON back against a locker and the wall. He hits his head and falls.) MASTER: (Shouts.) You're wrong, Sergeant Benton. That is the oldest trick in the book! (He dashes over to the main console and starts flicking switches. The power starts to rise.) DR. PERCIVAL: What are you going to do? MASTER: I am going to bring somebody here who can help me find the power that I need. Without it, I am helpless! DR. PERCIVAL: I don't understand! MASTER: Of course you don't understand! How could you possibly understand? Only one thing stands between me and complete power over the Earth, over the universe itself. Now the one I bring here will show me how to harness that power. Now... (He slams home the two power levers and points PERCIVAL towards the second room.) MASTER: You watch that crystal! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (PERCIVAL looks through the glass partitions at the crystal as it glows again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (BENTON starts to stir on the floor. He sits up and starts to edge towards the door. He sees the MASTER and PERCIVAL intently looking through the glass into the second room where a dazzling display of white light starts to flare out. A figure starts to materialise within the light. PERCIVAL turns in shock to the MASTER as, with a crash of thunder, KRASIS appears in the twentieth century.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (The MASTER opens the door of the second room as the flare of light fades. KRASIS still stands with his arms raised in supplication.) MASTER: (Delighted.) Welcome! (He walks in.) MASTER: Welcome! KRASIS: I am Krasis, High priest of the temple of Poseidon in Atlantis! MASTER: (Puzzled.) Poseidon? But surely Kronos is your lord? (KRASIS lowers his arms and looks coldly at the MASTER.) KRASIS: You would dare profane, with your irreverent tongue, the great secret?! The mystery which no man dare speak?! Who are you? MASTER: I am the Master - lord of time and ruler of Kronos. (KRASIS points a finger of accusation at the MASTER.) KRASIS: You are lying! No one rules Kronos! MASTER: I shall, with your help. KRASIS: You... MASTER: (Interrupts.) And together we shall become masters of the universe. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (BENTON makes a run for the door. He is spotted by PERCIVAL.) DR. PERCIVAL: Professor! (The MASTER appears in the doorway to the second room.) MASTER: Oh, let him go. He can do us no harm now. (To KRASIS.) Come with me. (KRASIS steps down into the first room and starts to walk round in his sandalled feet, looking round at the strange walls, furnishing and equipment.) KRASIS: Is this the abode of lord Kronos? MASTER: No, but with you to assist me, I shall bring him here. KRASIS: I exist only to do his will. He is not to be commanded. MASTER: Oh, but surely...Kronos obeys the priests of Kronos as a pet dog obeys his master? KRASIS: (Angrily.) You...! MASTER: The truth, Krasis? KRASIS: It is so written. MASTER: Ah. Well, therefore you have the secret? You have the formula? KRASIS: No, it is lost. For five centuries it has been lost to Atlantis. MASTER: And there was nothing can be done? KRASIS: Nothing. MASTER: Nothing at all? KRASIS: Nothing, save the crystal...and the seal of the high priest. (He holds up a round metal seal that hangs on a chain round his neck. He takes it off the chain and hands it to the MASTER.) MASTER: (Triumphantly.) But that's it! From this seal, I can learn the true constants! Kronos is in my power at last! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (RUTH pushes STUART out to a waiting ambulance in a wheelchair, accompanied by the DOCTOR, JO and the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: Rest - that's all you need at the moment, until your body recovers from the shock. STUART HYDE: A charming prospect, I must say. Hey, Ruth? You'd better find out about my old age pension. After all, I'll be twenty-six in seven weeks time. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Oh, try not to be too bitter, Stu. STUART HYDE: Oh... (SERGEANT BENTON comes running out of the main house.) SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor! JO: Sergeant Benton? SERGEANT BENTON: Doctor, it's the Master. He's there in the laboratory. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER traces a pencil over the lines on the seal, makes some notes and flicks some switches, watched by KRASIS and a very nervous PERCIVAL.) DR. PERCIVAL: But...how can Atlantian measurements mean anything to you? MASTER: Comparative ratios remain constant throughout time. If you have nothing intelligent to say, do please keep quiet! Right. Now... (He crosses to the main console.) MASTER: We switch on. (He does so. The power starts to rise again. KRASIS looks alarmed and raises his arms.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (BENTON has told the DOCTOR of the conversation that he overheard...) DOCTOR: Are you sure he said he was from Atlantis? SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, he...he just appeared from nowhere. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, what are we waiting for? Benton, Doctor, on the double! Females stay under cover, right, Miss Grant? (He runs towards the stable block.) DOCTOR: Brigadier - wait! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Hey, wait for me! Females indeed! (She runs after the BRIGADIER and BENTON. JO stays with the DOCTOR. She looks down at STUART.) JO: Doctor, look! (As they watch, STUART, unconscious again, starts to shed his years and return to his youthful looks.) DOCTOR: It's a massive feedback of time. Jo, it's too late. Kronos is coming. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (KRASIS and PERCIVAL look through the open doorway at the glowing crystal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER pushes up the power lever as the hum of the equipment again reaches its highest pitch.) MASTER: Come, Kronos, come! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (From within the depths of the crystal, an image of a white flapping animal appears. It grows bigger and more distinct.) MASTER: Kronos - welcome! (It solidifies into a huge man-shaped creature which gives out unearthly cries and screeches as it tears flying around the room. Glowing with an intense white light, it swoops down onto the terrified PERCIVAL who has stepped within the room. The unfortunate man cries out.) DR. PERCIVAL: No! (When KRONOS moves back, the elderly academic has disappeared, totally absorbed by the creature.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER rushes to the doorway, appalled as he realises the creature is out of his control.) MASTER: (Shouts.) Kronos, be at peace - I am your friend! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (The two men watch the flapping manifestation from the doorway...) KRASIS: (Shouts.) You will never control Kronos! He is the ruler of time! He is the destroyer! You are doomed! MASTER: (Shouts.) Rubbish! Kronos - hear me! I order you to obey! (He holds up his hands. Within the left one, he still holds the seal. KRONOS gives out a cry of pain and flies backwards.) MASTER: Well, well, well - so the pet dog does obey him master, eh? Right, you stay in your kennel until I have need of you. (He pulls the door to. KRONOS continues to flap its huge wings.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The two UNIT men run towards the stable block but, as they get nearer, their movements get slower.) DOCTOR: Just as I thought - they've run right into trouble. Jo, you stay here. (JO nods and the DOCTOR runs towards RUTH. Like the MASTER before him, he is unaffected by the slowdown in time. He grabs hold of RUTH and drags her back to the ambulance. As they get nearer, her movements start to speed up. They reach JO and STUART. RUTH looks dazed.) DOCTOR: She'll be alright - now she's outside the limit. JO: What's the matter with them? (Without replying, the DOCTOR runs back for the soldiers.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Uncertain.) What's happening? JO: Are you alright? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, what's going on? JO: Don't worry. The Doctor'll explain later...I hope. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (KRASIS watches in fear as KRONOS flies around the walls of the second room. The MASTER is busy at various consoles of TOMTIT.) KRASIS: What are you doing? MASTER: Reversing the interstitial flow. Now don't interrupt me. I must concentrate. KRASIS: You have not the power to control him! MASTER: I shall have - never fear. Just give me time. (He returns to the main console.) MASTER: Now, I must put him back where he belongs. (He pulls the lever home.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (Only the BRIGADIER remains to be rescued from the time displacement. The DOCTOR reaches him and starts to pull him back to the watching group, their movements speeding up as they approach.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well...well, what on earth? Doctor, will you...please kindly explain...? DOCTOR: There's really no time to explain now. Benton, take the chair. Everybody inside - quick. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (KRONOS diminishes as it fades back into the crystal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER mops his brow. His tie is askew and he looks drained by the event.) MASTER: Right, it's safe to go in now, most noble high priest. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (He opens the door to the second room and enters. KRASIS follows.) MASTER: Thank you for your help. KRASIS: I am no slave that I should serve you. I serve only the gods. MASTER: You'll serve me, Krasis, and you'll like it. KRASIS: (Angrily.) You dare mock the high priest? MASTER: Take care! I can always bring Kronos back, you know? KRASIS: No! No, I beseech you! What is your will? MASTER: Knowledge - your knowledge of the ancient mysteries. (Angrily.) Why could I not control him?! KRASIS: For all your sorcery, you are as a child trying to control a rogue elephant. A puny child! MASTER: But I have the crystal! KRASIS: That crystal is but a part of the true crystal of Kronos - a small fraction! MASTER: Fraction? And the rest is in Atlantis? KRASIS: Deep in the vaults of the temple of Poseidon, guarded by night and by day from such thieves as you. You may command the slave but never shall you command the mighty one himself. MASTER: You think not? We shall see. (He grabs hold of the crystal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (HIPPIAS runs into the temple with the lighted torch. He is accompanied by an old man whose hair is as white as his robes and whose lined face shows a lifetime of wisdom and experience. They look at the empty receptacle.) HIPPIAS: Do you see, most venerable king? The crystal has gone! DALIOS: And Krasis? (HIPPIAS nods.) HIPPIAS: I was here. The sky opened and a sphere of fire whirled by the hand of Zeus... DALIOS: Yes, yes, yes, I saw the thunderstorm myself. What next? HIPPIAS: They disappeared - Krasis and the crystal together like smoke. What does it mean, Lord Dalios? Has the time come at last? DALIOS: You are young, Hippias. As young in years as in the sacred mysteries. What do you know of...Kronos? HIPPIAS: The years of Kronos were the golden years of Atlantis. Perhaps he will return to us. DALIOS: That is my fear. Our world is in great danger! Come! (He pulls him away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. ANTECHAMBER TO CATACOMBS (The two men walk down some steps into the vaulted depths of the temple. DALIOS takes a torch from a wall bracket to help light his own way.) DALIOS: How old would you think me, boy? HIPPIAS: A great age, Dalios. DALIOS: How great? HIPPIAS: Four score years or...more, perhaps. DALIOS: A stripling of eighty summers, eh? No, Hippias, when these eyes were clear like yours, I saw the building of the temple. I was a witness at the enthronement of the image of the great god Poseidon himself. HIPPIAS: But, that was...well, it must have been five hundred years ago? DALIOS: Five hundred and thirty seven. HIPPIAS: Dalios, will you have me believe you are...? DALIOS: I am. (DALIOS leads him to a great wooden door. He pulls the bolts back and opens the door. An intense white light glows from within.) HIPPIAS: What is it - that light?! DALIOS: It is the light of true crystal of Kronos. This is the great secret, the veritable mystery. But now that Krasis has gone, you alone know the secret. You must guard it with your life. HIPPIAS: I shall, my lord. (There is suddenly a bellowing noise of a great animal from within the room. HIPPIAS steps back in terror.) DALIOS: There is nothing to fear, it is the guardian. (He calls into the room.) DALIOS: Return to your rest! It is I, Dalios! (He shuts the door and re-locks it.) HIPPIAS: What? Who was it? You said no other person shares the great mystery. DALIOS: The guardian is a person no longer. A thing, a creature, too horrible to imagine! Half-man, half-beast! Come. (He leads the young man away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (Fully recovered, STUART leads the others into his room.) STUART HYDE: Make yourselves comfortable...if you can. DOCTOR: Thank you. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Alright, Doctor, go on - what next? Having picked us all up by the scruff of the neck and bundled us all in here, what do you propose to do with us? DOCTOR: Nothing at all. There's nothing to be done except wait. JO: I seem to have heard that before. DOCTOR: Speaking personally, I'd like a cup of tea. How about it, Stuart? STUART HYDE: Well, I'll put the kettle on. Hey, Ruth, get the mugs out, er... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Right. (RUTH heads for the kitchen area.) STUART HYDE: How about a sandwich? Only marmalade, I'm afraid. SERGEANT BENTON: I'd love one, please. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This isn't a picnic! One moment you're talking about the entire universe blowing up, and the next you're going on about tea! Doctor! What's happening? DOCTOR: A great deal. For instance, you, Brigadier, you were caught in a hiatus in time. (The BRIGADIER, his patience running out, raises his eyes to the skies.) DOCTOR: Being without becoming! An ontological absurdity. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I don't understand a word you're saying. JO: Well, it's true. You and Benton and Dr. Ingram, well, you were...you were stuck. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Nothing of the sort, Miss Grant. DOCTOR: Well, you wouldn't be aware of it, of course. Because your time had slowed down too. SERGEANT BENTON: And all because of this TOMTIT gadget? DOCTOR: Yes, so it would seem. After all, it did make a crack in time, didn't it? JO: A what? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, a gap between the now and the now, as Sergeant Benton put it. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. So we're bound to experience all kinds of freak side effects. (RUTH returns with a plate of sandwiches.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: You mean, even leaving Kronos and the crystal right out of it? DOCTOR: That's correct. (She holds out the plate to him.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Marmalade sandwich? DOCTOR: No, thank you. Jo? (He passes the plate to JO to take one.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, why weren't we affected when we were actually working the machine? I mean, we weren't slowed down. (Having passed the plate back to RUTH, the DOCTOR starts to pick objects off STUART'S shelves.) DOCTOR: Well, you stand right under a fountain, you don't necessarily get wet, do you? DR. RUTH INGRAM: Oh, I see, mm. (RUTH hands the plate to the BRIGADIER and BENTON.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, I'm dashed if I do. Doctor, what are you doing? DOCTOR: Me? Collecting. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER walks out of his TARDIS, clapping his hands in satisfaction. He has changed out of his business suit and is dressed in his usual collarless jacket suit.) MASTER: Right! Now we shall soon be ready to move. (He picks up a piece of equipment from TOMTIT and starts to work on it.) KRASIS: (Fearfully.) Master, he may return. The mighty one may return! MASTER: Oh, fortunate Atlantis - to be blessed with such a courageous high priest! Never fear - Kronos will only return if I desire it. KRASIS: But the crystal! MASTER: I am reversing the interstitial flow, thus draining the time energy from the crystal. Otherwise, we couldn't take it with us. KRASIS: We? Where are we going? MASTER: Where do you think? Atlantis, of course! [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The DOCTOR starts to throw his collected objects onto STUART'S bed.) DOCTOR: Well, he must be stopped. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Fair enough. Why don't we get on with it? DOCTOR: Because we can't even find out what he's up to without the TARDIS. Right, a bottle - I need a bottle. (STUART crosses from the kitchen with a milk bottle.) STUART HYDE: How about this? DOCTOR: No, no, that won't do. Erm, one with a narrow neck...a...a...a wine bottle. STUART HYDE: Moroccan burgundy, for instance? DOCTOR: Yes, that'll do nicely. (STUART picks up an empty bottle from under the bed.) STUART HYDE: There we are. DOCTOR: Fine. And the cork? STUART HYDE: Oh, you've got me there, I'm afraid, erm... (RUTH comes out of the kitchen with the corkscrew.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: How about this, Stu? STUART HYDE: Oh, remarkable efficiency! Still on the corkscrew. DOCTOR: Well done. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Angrily.) Doctor, I must insist - what are you up to? DOCTOR: Delaying tactics, Brigadier. A small fly in the Master's metaphorical ointment. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER turns a lever on one of the consoles as KRASIS watches through the doorway into the second room.) MASTER: Right, nearly there. KRASIS: The fire is dying! You are indeed the Master! (The MASTER smiles with satisfaction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (Watched by the others, the DOCTOR is putting together a strange piece of equipment. The main part of it is the wine bottle with the cork part-rammed back in. A needle sticks upwards out of this.) DOCTOR: Do give me a fork, Jo, will you? (JO passes him a fork and the DOCTOR sticks this into the side of a second cork. Another fork still out of the other side. He presses this second adorned cork onto the needle that sticks upwards out of the first cork.) DOCTOR: Right, so far, so good. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Another nutcase! STUART HYDE: Fruitcake standard! JO: You just wait and see. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (The MASTER unplugs the unit that holds the crystal.) MASTER: Right, Krasis, you'll have to help me to carry it. KRASIS: No! No, I dare not! MASTER: But there's nothing to be afraid of - I promise you. Do as I tell you! KRASIS: Master, do not compel me! I beseech you! [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The DOCTOR has stuck another series of strange objects, topped by a metal ashtray, onto the second cork using the corkscrew, thus assembling an unusual tower. He dangles a set of keys from one of the stuck-out fork handles and a small bottle from the other.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And what's that meant to be? DOCTOR: You're a philistine, Brigadier. It's not meant to be anything - it just is - I hope. DR. RUTH INGRAM: You mean it's just a ridiculous piece of modern art? DOCTOR: No, certainly not. It's a time-flow analogue. STUART HYDE: Course it is, Ruth. You should have seen that at a glance! DOCTOR: The relationships between the different molecular bonds and the...actual shapes form a crystalline structure of ratios. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Does this make any sort of sense, Dr. Ingram? DR. RUTH INGRAM: None whatsoever. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Just as I thought. Doctor, please stop this silly game at once. DOCTOR: Patience, Brigadier, patience. Now then, here goes. (The spins the tower stuck into the cork round. It spins, but does little else.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. JO: What's up? DOCTOR: Well, it doesn't work. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You astound me. (BENTON has trouble suppressing a grin.) STUART HYDE: Bad luck, Doc. Have a cup of tea and drown your sorrows. DOCTOR: Thank you. (He takes the cup.) DOCTOR: Tea! Yes, of course - tea leaves. (He swigs the drink down in two goes and then places the empty cup on top of the tower.) DOCTOR: Tea leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM MASTER: I give you my firm pledge, Krasis, the crystal is totally inactive. KRASIS: It...it looks dead. MASTER: Well, of course it is. I promise you. (The MASTER takes the cover of the unit off and KRASIS gingerly reaches out for the crystal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM DOCTOR: Right, here we go. (He spins the tower round again. It starts to give out a bleeping noise and glows from within with a light.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. SECOND ROOM (At the same time, the crystal starts to glow. KRASIS snatches his hand back.) KRASIS: No! No, the crystals afire! The great one comes again! MASTER: The meddling fool! (He runs into the first room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The DOCTOR keeps his "device" spinning round, to the amazement of all the others, apart from a stone-faced BRIGADIER.) JO: But what does it do? I mean, how does it actually affect the Master's plans. DOCTOR: Well, it's just like jamming a radio signal, Jo. We used to make them at school to spoil each others time experiments. DR. RUTH INGRAM: I don't believe it! I just don't believe it! [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER rams home a power lever...) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (...and a small explosion rips apart the tower. They all jump back.) DOCTOR: Ah, well. Well, it was fun while it lasted. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (A UNIT convoy, made up of the lead jeep, a troop carrier and a truck with the TARDIS on the back makes its way down a country road towards WOOTTON.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER is carrying the crystal unit towards his TARDIS when the voice of CAPTAIN YATES comes over a small transmitter unit on his wrist. KRASIS looks round for the source of the voices in the air.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound? Greyhound? This is Greyhound three. Over. (The MASTER puts the unit down and looks at the device on his wrist. Within a small screen, he can see the approaching convoy.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Greyhound three - Greyhound. Thank you, Captain Yates. And where have you been? Over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound three. Won't be long now, sir. About ten miles or so. Over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Greyhound, well get your skates on, will you? We need the Doctor's TARDIS here double quick. Out. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound three. Wilco. Out. (KRASIS looks over the MASTER'S shoulder at the screen as he adjusts the image.) KRASIS: Images that move and speak! Wagons but no oxen to draw them. This is indeed a time of wonders! (The MASTER goes over to one of the TOMTIT consoles and starts making adjustments.) MASTER: I will show you greater wonders than either. KRASIS: Master Lord, you will not bring the mighty one here once more. MASTER: Certainly not. I will just give you a demonstration of my power over time. Now, you watch this carefully. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (A medieval KNIGHT, in full armour on horseback, appears over the brow of the road. The horse rears and the KNIGHT starts to charge the approaching convoy, as if he was in a jousting contest. From the passenger seat of the front jeep, CAPTAIN YATES looks at the figure in amazement.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Look out! (All three vehicles in the convoy turn into the fields at both sides of the road and the KNIGHT charges through the gap. YATES jumps out of the jeep and looks back. He grabs a radio.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound three? We're stuck in the mud. Forced off the road by some goon in fancy dress - I think. Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The DOCTOR thinks deeply as the BRIGADIER replies to the message.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Are you suffering from hallucinations, Captain Yates, or have you been drinking? Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I could do with one, I don't mind telling you! This character in armour just galloped at us. Do you know, sir? The King Arthur bit, then he vanished. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: In a puff of blue smoke, I suppose? You have been drinking! [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM MASTER: And that, Captain Yates, was just a sample. (He adjusts both TOMTIT and his wrist receiver.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (CAPTAIN YATES shouts up to the UNIT SERGEANT in the back of the waiting troop carrier.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right, Sergeant, get a shift on. I want to get out of here. UNIT SERGEANT: Right, lads, everybody out! (The soldiers start to clamber out of the vehicle. The SERGEANT stands and waits for further orders.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right, Sergeant... (A shot suddenly tears through the back of YATES' jeep.) ROUNDHEAD OFFICER: (Shouts.) Open your ... UNIT SERGEANT: Look, sir. (He points and YATES looks across the field to see a unit of ROUNDHEADS, complete with muskets and cannon aiming at the UNIT troops.) ROUNDHEAD OFFICER: (Shouts.) Give fire to ... (Some of the troops fire their muskets...) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Shouts.) Hey! What do you think you're up to?! (...and the others fire their cannon.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Shouts.) Get down! Blithering idiot means it! (The UNIT troops get down on their haunches and aim their rifles. YATES uses his radio.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound? Greyhound? Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio, with forced patience.) I'm listening, Captain Yates, over? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Another hallucination, sir. Roundheads attacking us with ball ammunition. (The others in the room look at each other in surprise as they hear the message and the background shots.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Cannonballs in fact! Out! (The BRIGADIER'S tenuous patience snaps...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Captain Yates, if this is some sort of a joke, I...! DOCTOR: Believe me, Brigadier, this is no kind of a joke. This is deadly serious. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Alright, Doctor, you tell me what's going on. DOCTOR: Well, don't you see? Roundheads? Horsemen in armour? The Master's using that crystal to bring them back in time. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So why don't we get over there and stop him? DOCTOR: Because it would be suicide to go anywhere without the protection of the TARDIS. SERGEANT BENTON: And that's stuck in the mud being battered by a load of Roundheads. DOCTOR: We'd better go and fetch it. Come on. (He heads for the door.) DOCTOR: Come on, Jo. Brigadier, are you coming? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes. (The DOCTOR and JO leave.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Benton, you'd better stay here. If the Master shows his face, you know what to do. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, sir. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Can I come, Brigadier? STUART HYDE: I've always fancied myself as a bit of a cavalier! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Sorry, you'd better stay here with the Sergeant. DR. RUTH INGRAM: But, Brigadier... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You're the only people who can handle that infernal machine, apart from the Doctor. I must ask you to place yourself under the Sergeant's command. Both of you - right? (He leaves.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Full of old world charm, isn't he? (RUTH and STUART click their tea mugs together in a toast and drink.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The DOCTOR and JO wait in Bessie as the BRIGADIER comes out of the house.) DOCTOR: Do buck up, Lethbridge Stewart. (The BRIGADIER heads for his jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Sorry, Doctor, a matter of some urgency. Better go under my own steam. Cheers - see you there. Try not to be far behind. (He gets in and starts off. In Bessie, the DOCTOR pulls the superdrive switch, executes a turning circle in a flash and speeds past the jeep to the BRIGADIER'S amazement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The UNIT troops are now returning their fire at the Roundheads.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER and KRASIS continue to watch the battle.) KRASIS: But why? Do you fear this machine so much? MASTER: I fear nothing. It's just that I intend to go to Atlantis and I don't want my enemy to follow us. Now get on with it, you seventeenth century poltroons! [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (YATES runs forward to the protection of a gatepost. He pulls the key out of a grenade and throws it into the centre of the troop of Roundheads. They disappear into thin air just before the grenade harmlessly explodes. YATES looks out from the cover of the post and sees that the field is now empty.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER gives a snort of laughter.) MASTER: I could have told you that wouldn't work, Captain Yates. Now...stand by to duck, for here comes the grand finale. (He makes further adjustments to his wrist device and TOMTIT. The ominous image of a V1 rocket appears on his screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. STUART'S ROOM (The drone of the machine reaches STUART'S room.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: What's that? STUART HYDE: Sounds like a motorbike. (BENTON goes to the window.) SERGEANT BENTON: Yeah, but...it's coming from the sky. [SCENE_BREAK] 50: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The V1 continues through the sky. Down below in a much slower Bessie, JO also hears the drone.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: There's something wrong with the engine. DOCTOR: Never - why? JO: Well, listen - there's a funny noise. (The DOCTOR brakes, as does the BRIGADIER next to them. The DOCTOR listens.) DOCTOR: Oh no! (The BRIGADIER gets out of his jeep.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's up? DOCTOR: Listen. (They listen in silence.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: That sounds like...no, it can't be! DOCTOR: Oh yes, it can. It's displaced in time, but that's real enough - that's a V1. JO: What? DOCTOR: A V1, a doodlebug, a...buzzbomb. The Germans used them towards the end of the Hitler war. JO: Well, what did they do? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Blew up sizeable chunks of London. It that engine cuts out, then fall flat on your face because that'll mean its on the way down. JO: Look, there's the convoy. (She points across the fields. The convoy of three vehicles can be seen moving again beyond some trees. The BRIGADIER speaks urgently into his TM45 radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Greyhound three, greyhound three, can you hear me, Captain Yates? Over. (CAPTAIN YATES' voice comes through but with a great deal of static.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Greyhound three, I can only just hear you, over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, that thing is a bomb and its on its way to you - over! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Say again, say again, I cannot read you, over. [SCENE_BREAK] 51: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The MASTER flicks several switches.) [SCENE_BREAK] 52: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The drone of the V1 abruptly stops.) DOCTOR: Jo, out of the car. Get down! (They get out of the car quickly. The BRIGADIER yells into his radio.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, get out of it, man! It's a bomb, it's a bomb! Get out of it, Yates! (The convoy has disappeared behind a copse of trees.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Alright, lads! It's a bomb! Dive! (Beyond the copse there is a massive explosion.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates? (There is only static.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, can you hear me? (A cloud of smoke rises into the air.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Over! Mike, can you hear me?!

Plan: A: The Master; Q: Who enlists the help of Krasis to control Kronos? A: Yates; Q: Who tries to bring the TARDIS to the institute? Summary: The Master enlists the help of Krasis to control Kronos while Yates tries to bring the TARDIS to the institute only to come under attack from dangers from the past.

THE TOUGH MAN IN THE TENDER CHICKEN ACT ONE (At the Jeffersonian lab. Hodgins and Brennan are seen walking in from the lab entrance) HODGINS: Had a feeling that my Melolonta melolonta might hatch this morning, so I came in the crack of dawn, and there they were. Lined up at the door. BRENNAN: What? Your Melolonta melolonta? HODGINS: No. The woodchucks. (A group of girls in scout uniforms are seen standing in front of the lab platform) BRENNAN: They appear to be little girls. HODGINS: Yeah. Woodchucks are like girl scouts, only scientific and administered by the Jeffersonian. They brought in a dead body. BRENNAN: A bunch of little girls brought a dead body here? HODGINS: Woodchucks are very industrious mire mucks. (to the woodchucks) Okay! Now this is Dr Temperance Brennan. (the woodchucks starts clapping) BRENNAN: (confused) Why are they applauding? CAM: Apparently you're their role model. HODGINS: I wanna know is why aren't they all freaked out or getting trauma counseling. CAM: Because, of the type of children who idolizes Dr Brennan. HODGINS: So they were eco-camping by the banks of the savage river. CAM: These remains are completely saturated. HODGINS: The girls fished the body out of the river and brought it to us. BRENNAN: How? WOODCHUCK GIRL #1: In our woodchuck bus. CAM: Very impressive! BRENNAN: I disagree. Those woodchucks disturbed a federal crime scene. The area should be secured, samples taken- HODGINS: Yeah. They did all that. Water samples from where the body was found. WOODCHUCK GIRL #2: Digital photographs of the entire area. HODGINS: Plants, insects, soil samples; tagged with GPS coordinates. Now I know my soil samples, let me tell you; these ladies, they are pros! CAM: (whispers to Brennan) Perhaps you should throw them a bone. (Brennan seems surprised) Not literally, metaphorically. After all, they were all very professional. BRENNAN: (clears throat) Attention, woodchucks! You were thorough and insidious in your treatment of the body and the crime scene. (woodchucks clap) But next time, please leave the evidence where you found it and let the experienced professionals do their job. (Woodchucks making sounds in protest) WOODCHUCK GIRL #1: But we helped! WOODCHUCK GIRL #2: You're mean! (Woodchucks booing at Brennan) BRENNAN: (to Cam and Hodgins) Their moods are capricious. CAM: You couldn't have just let them have that one just go by. BRENNAN: Then they'll never learn. (Hodgins smile at Brennan while Cam is speechless) (Cut to: Autopsy room. Wendell and Cam are examining the corpse.) WENDELL: Ugh. What causes a corpse to smell like a fart? CAM: Uh. A number of things. Compromised intestinal tract, methane, some mining processes, oiling gas refining, volcanoes? WENDELL: Volcanoes? Awesome! Which of those is it this time? CAM: Probably sulphur. Tissue samples indicate a high concentration of hydrogen sulphide. WENDELL: X-rays indicate this is a middle aged male, between 170 to 190 cm tall. Skeleton is...pretty banged up. CAM: Bouncing around savage river for 2 months can do that. WENDELL: (looking at the x-rays) All the distal phalanges are missing from interphalangeal joints. CAM: He's missing his fingers, what does that tell you? WENDELL: Tells me it was the mobs sweeping off fingerprints. CAM: That, very well may be. But what it tells me that you are going out to look for fingertips, in case the woodchucks missed them. WENDELL: Body was found by woodchucks? CAM: Take Hodgins. He'll explain. (Cut to: Parking lot. Wendell and Hodgins are carrying their forensics kits) HODGINS: Hydrogen sulphide? WENDELL: Yeah. Guy's full of it. HODGINS: So he smells basically like a fart. WENDELL: Pretty strong to cover up the rotting corpse smell, right? Hey. Maybe somebody drenched in sulphur to deal with the dead body stench. Or maybe someone tried to put him in suspended animation, that would involve sulphides. HODGINS: Whoa whoa whoa. You're referring to ultra secret military experiments who prolong life by inducing hibernation? WENDELL: Uh. It's not ultra secret. The army is doing field trials. I got a cousin in Iraq, it may be saved his life. HODGINS: It's not ultra secret? WENDELL: The trouble with getting your infill from conspiracy nuts is that they never know when to turn it off. HODGINS: Hey, you wait and see. We're going to find that our victim was tortured a little too enthusiastically when the government tried to bring him back to life. WENDELL: Proving my point there, Hodgins. Totally proving my point. Hey, should we call the military possibility in to Booth? HODGINS: Yeah! (toss phone at Wendell) Ooh, just leave out my torture theory. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab. Booth enters a room and greets Brennan & Angela) BOOTH: Bones! So you got a face for my victim? BRENNAN: Why are you here? I would've call. BOOTH: (hands Angela a file) Well, uh, I thought Hodgins might have something on this whole suspension animated thing. ANGELA: Hey, you listened to Hodgins? BOOTH: I listen to Wendell. BRENNAN: What is DARPA? ANGELA: It's a department of defense agency. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. Hodgins say they're into some pretty weird stuff. Like creating super-soliders who don't need sleep and can kill with their laser beam eyes. BOOTH: I don't know about the laser beam eye thing, but they did have a master sergeant missing a few months ago. BRENNAN: Was this sergeant involved in the hydrogen sulphide trials? BOOTH: Well, they wouldn't confirm. But tell you what, they sounded nervous. ANGELA: (flips through the file) There's no photograph in here. BOOTH: DARPA doesn't give out photos. You give me a reconstruction though, I can show them that and tell them if we got their guy. What'd you have? (Brennan in silence while looking at Angela; Angela finally speaks) ANGELA: Okay. Before you freaked out, you should know that I double and triple check the measurements and indicators. BOOTH: (chuckles) Look, I don't freak out. BRENNAN: (looks at Booth) Some- Sometimes. BOOTH: Can we just see the image, please? (face reconstruction shows a chicken-like visage; Booth laughs) Yeah. What's that supposed to be? ANGELA: Half man, half chicken? BOOTH: Come on! BRENNAN: I believe this is fairly accurate. BOOTH: So you want me to go ask the defense department if their experimented super soldier is half man, half chicken? (Brennan smiles at Booth; while the screen cuts to the facial reconstruction image) (Opening credits start playing) ACT TWO (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab. Autopsy room.) HODGINS: DARPA created a chicken soldier?! WENDELL: I do not see the United States military making chicken soldiers, eagle maybe. HODGINS: Maybe that's why we couldn't find the so-called fingers. Cause they transformed into talons. (Brennan shoots Hodgins a look) Talons would be much better weapons. CAM: Human remains in water tend to lose all their fingers and toes due to predation. BRENNAN: But if I were to combine human and animal DNA with an idea to create a super soldier, I would go with a flatworm. WENDELL: Why? BRENNAN: Self-regeneration, obviously. (Wendell is amused) CAM: People, let's break this down as though we're not in a comic book. No water in the sinuses or lungs, no pulmonary edema. HODGINS: He didn't drown. BRENNAN: Well his sinus cavity is abnormally large. CAM: His whole sinus cavity is scarred, the septum's almost gone. Evidence of multiple constrictions of the arterial zypolexics. (Brennan inserts microscopic tube) WENDELL: (on the screen) That is a lot of scar tissues we're talking here. Plastic surgery? BRENNAN: The scarring could explain why he has a beak-like nose. WENDELL: Polyps and tumors in the maxillary sphenoid could enlarge the cavity. CAM: The closest thing I've ever seen to that is a cocaine addict who ran out of drugs and started snorting things like sugar and powder-like detergent. HODGINS: (points on the screen) Does anyone has an explanation for these red stripes extending from the soft pellet down to the oesophagus? CAM: Lacerations? HODGINS: Hmm. (to Cam) May I? (Cam shows sign of approval to Hodgins to examine the body; Hodgins examines the inside of the oesophagus) I don't think these are lacerations. (collects red string-like from inside) BRENNAN: Is that an organism? HODGINS: Syngamus trachea. It's a gapeworm. WENDELL: Where it'd come from? HODGINS: I think you're not gonna like my answer. Uh, it's a parasite found in...chickens. CAM: Do not tell me we're back to super chicken soldier again. (All of them are speechless) (Cut to: FBI Building. Booth's office) BRENNAN: Wendell thinks maybe he was supposed to be an eagle. BOOTH: (says something on the phone; then talks to Brennan) You make a super soldier, you'd think it'd be a robot or something invisible. BRENNAN: Now you're just delving into pure science fiction. BOOTH: (mocking) Like a flatworm, that's not a pure science fiction, or a half chicken; that's not considered science fiction. (over the phone) Yeah. Okay, so we agree he doesn't look like a chicken. No, it's not a joke. Just tell me whoever you're missing at DARPA. (pause) Does your missing sergeant look anything like an animal? Any kind of animal. (pause, then annoyed; ends call) A bulldog. BRENNAN: So the defense department won't be claiming the body. BOOTH: Nope. (Both are in silence; suddenly DMV photo database on Booth's computer shows a hit) BOOTH: Ooh. We got a hit off on Angela's chicken man picture. (chuckles) Probably it's from animal shelter. Whoa. God. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: (takes image and compare) Wow. Is Angela good, or is she good? BRENNAN: Those are the same question. BOOTH: Take a look. (turns monitor to Brennan and comparing it to Angela's image) BRENNAN: (takes a closer look) Nick Rabin. He's head personnel of a Clucksten Farms. A chicken farm? BOOTH: This is getting weirder and weirder. (Cut to: Clucksten Farms entrance. A group of activists are seen standing at the entrance outside; protesting, holding signs going against the activities of the chicken farm.) BOOTH: Wonder what they're protesting. BRENNAN: My first guess, the stench. BOOTH: At least they're not throwing eggs at us, huh? (winds down the car window) GUARD: Are you the FBI folks? BOOTH: Yeap. (shows FBI ID and badge) GUARD: Come on in. We'll find a quieter place to talk. (Cut to: Inside of Clucksten Farms) BOOTH: So what's with the protestors? GUARD: Well, half of them are animal rights nuts. BOOTH: (sees large amount of chickens in storage) Whoa. They might have a point. BRENNAN: The other half must've hate the smell. GUARD: Clucksten Farms has been around since the 1940's. We didn't ask anyone to build a development down here. (walks away; followed by Brennan and Booth) BOOTH: Ugh. What's that smell? (Cut to: Clucksten Farms personnel office where a woman is seen; the wife of Nick Rabin, Gaynor Rabin) GAYNOR: (knock on the door is heard) Yeah. (the guard is seen entering along with Booth and Brennan) Hey John. JOHN: Mrs. Rabin. This is Agent Booth and his associate Dr. Brennan from the FBI. (GAYNOR proceeds to shake hands with them) This is Gaynor Rabin. The accountant here at Clucksten Farms, and she's also Nick's wife. (leaves room) GAYNOR: This is about my husband. He's dead, isn't he? BOOTH: I'm afraid so. I'm very sorry for your loss. GAYNOR: What happened to him? BRENNAN: We're still in the process of figuring that out. BOOTH: You don't seem too surprised. GAYNOR: Nick was never the type who just disappear, I knew right away it was something terrible. Where'd you find him? BRENNAN: In a savage river. Approximately 16 kilometers from here. GAYNOR: He drowned? (Brennan doesn't reply) I don't understand. He never swam in that river. BRENNAN: Your husband's nose and sinuses were deformed. He didn't take the proper precautions at work, did he? GAYNOR: No, I told him but he didn't care. BOOTH: (whispers to Brennan) Precautions from turning him into a chicken? BRENNAN: It's the hydrogen sulphide. We smell without breathing apparatus, high concentrations over a period of time would deform the sinuses. GAYNOR: Nick worked here since he was a teenager. He said he was a chicken farmer and he would take the consequences. How did my husband end up in the river? BOOTH: We were hoping maybe you could help us with that. GAYNOR: When I filed the missing persons report, I told the police everything. He just disappeared. BRENNAN: We have reason to believe this wasn't an accidental drowning. GAYNOR: (in disbelief) You think my husband was murdered? BOOTH: Yes. GAYNOR: Mr Clucksten said Nick was next in line to take over the business. (furious) The first people that you wanna check out are those anti chicken fanatics at the gate. They always threatened to make an example out of someone. (Cut to Jeffersonian Lab. Hodgins is examining some samples while Angela walks in.) ANGELA: 5 months and 14 days, I have been celibate. HODGINS: Angela, that is very impressive. ANGELA: Thank you. Sweets was right. Taking s*x out of that equation made me relate to people in a totally different way. HODGINS: Yeah. You got past that mega horny stage. ANGELA: The point is, that my six months is almost up. So..(smiles at Hodgins) HODGINS: (smiles back) No. ANGELA: No what? HODGINS: I'm not going to be the one who breaks your fast. ANGELA: I-Iwasn't asking! In fact, you should know that I'm considering a year. HODGINS: (laughs) It's definitely a chicken parasite we found in the victim's oesophagus. ANGELA: (in disbelief) I wasn't asking, Jack. I was just-keeping you in the loop. (walks away) HODGINS: Okay. ANGELA: Okay. (Cut to Clucksten Farms. Head of Security JOHN COLLINS takes Brennan and Booth to meet the protesters when they witness a farm worker, GINA MCNAMARA, being confronted by the angry mob.) PROTESTER 1#: Cluck you, cluck you! GINA: Get outta my face, go get a job! PROTESTER 1#: Murderer! GINA: What'd you want me to do?! (Gina and protester continues to argue; John tries to break up the fight by confronting Gina) JOHN: You're just giving them what they want. GINA: Look, damnit. I just wanna do my job, that's all! JOHN: Just go. You don't want to be late for your shift. (Gina walks away; Booth and Brennan looks on) BRENNAN: (to John) These people don't seem to like the way you treat the chickens. JOHN: So how do you treat your chickens? Like delicious birds that people love to eat. BOOTH: Look, anyone here in particular who had a beef with Nick Rabin? JOHN: (points out to a guy) Josh Parsons. He snuck in, he took some unauthorized video, cut it together in a damning manner and put it on the Internet. Nick popped him one too. BOOTH: (approaches Josh) FBI Special Agent Booth. This here is Dr Temperance Brennan. JOSH: You here to protect them while they mistreat and torture these chickens on this farm and the people who downwind of this elimination? BOOTH: You practice that speech much, pal? BRENNAN: We found Nick Rabin's body. BOOTH: As of now, you are our No 1 suspect. JOSH: Oh please, I didn't kill anyone. I'm an extreme pacifist. BRENNAN: That's an oxymoron. You're either extreme or pacifist. You can't be both. JOSH: You, are working as a tool of the poultry lobbyist. Code Yellow! Code Yellow! (The protesters poured corn syrup and paper feathers onto them) BOOTH: Okay, you do know that you're all under arrest, right? ACT THREE (Cut to: FBI building. Interrogation room. Sweets and Booth are interrogating Josh Parsons after they played the footage edited by Josh) SWEETS: That's your voice, isn't it? JOSH: Yes. And I'm proud of my work. SWEETS: The FBI believes you snuck into the premises to record a second video. You were caught by Nick Rabin and you killed him. BOOTH: That's exactly what happened. SWEETS: I don't think it played out that way. BOOTH: Ducky Sweets here says you're not the type who could kill except in self defense. JOSH: I never attacked anyone. BOOTH: Oh really? Because you tar and feathered me. JOSH: It was just corn syrup and paper feathers. And I didn't sneak in and take that video footage. I got back to my bicycle one night and there was an envelope. BOOTH: I'm gonna need the name of your chicken spy inside. JOSH: No. BOOTH: And the original footage, not the stuff you cut out here. JOSH: I will absolutely not turn over to you any information entrusted to me by a courageous individual who risks his or her job to aid innocent creatures who aren't able to defend themselves. BOOTH: Oh, you know what, you don't want to hand in the original footage, I'm gonna charge you for assaulting a federal agent. SWEETS: Hmm, that's what, $200,000 fine and one year in a federal prison. BOOTH: You know, if you're locked up, who's going to speak for the chickens, huh pal? [attempts to leave the room] JOSH: Okay, okay! Just hold on. (takes out a USB drive from his pocket & tosses it to Booth) That's the raw video footage, exactly how I got it. SWEETS: See, it all worked out great. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab) CAM: Cause of death, Mr Bray? WENDELL: Most of the fractures are post-mortem. And the bone bruising prior to the dam and getting stuck to the whirlpool at the bottom. CAM: Like going through a giant washing machine. WENDELL: Yeah. But, this cervical vertrabrae damage is not post mortem. This is an on-damage cervical section. Here's our victim. The C2 vertabrae rotated laterally while the ligaments and facets of the transverse process were severed and locked. CAM: A broken neck. WENDELL: Fracture patterns suggest a writhing motion. CAM: You mean wrung? WENDELL: Yeah. CAM: You mean the chicken man was killed by having his neck wrung? WENDELL: Yeah. Ironic right? CAM: We are going to have to catalogue all these injuries chronologically. Talk to Angela, see if she has any imaging technique that can help. (Cut to: Angela's room. She watches the chicken footage with Brennan.) ANGELA: Nearly 10 billion chickens are hatched annually. Most in places like this. BRENNAN: It's like a warhouse. ANGELA: Yeah, each chicken is given a less than half foot space. And look at this part, the little baby chicks get their beaks cut off. BRENNAN: Why? ANGELA: Supposedly to keep them from fighting. BRENNAN: Why would they fight if they're penned up? ANGELA: The stress of being jammed together, it gets crazy. BRENNAN: You upset? ANGELA: Yeah. I am. Aren't you? BRENNAN: I'm-- not certain how sension these chickens are. ANGELA: (frustrated) Yeah, but they can feel. I mean you can see that they can. And you know what else? If it turns out there was a chicken revolution and they off this guy, I am with them. BRENNAN: It's our job to figure out who killed this human being. ANGELA: Yeah. I guess. BRENNAN: Because it probably wasn't a chicken revolution. It was probably another human being. ANGELA: (smiles) Fine. I was able to extract the metadata that was embedded in the original video file. Time and date the video was taken and aperture make and model of the camera including the serial number. BRENNAN: Could you trace the serial number? ANGELA: Yeah. The owner sent in the manufacturer's warranty which included the serial number. BRENNAN: (squints at the name) Gaynor Rabin. The victim's wife. Thank you, Angela. And I'm sorry that the chickens made you feel bad. (leaves the room) (Angela chases after Brennan; showing her something) ANGELA: Hey. What about pigs? Pigs are sension. BRENNAN: That's a non sequitur. ANGELA: Pigs make bacon. Not only are they sension, they're smarter than dogs. BRENNAN: I don't eat bacon. I'm vegetarian. ANGELA: Yeah, for health reasons. Listen, Brennan. (holds up a photo of a piglet) I wanna save this little piglet. BRENNAN: That particular specific piglet? ANGELA: Yeah. And that would be $1500. Are you in? BRENNAN: (laughs) No. ANGELA: Yeah, but look at his face. How can you resist this face? BRENNAN: Saving one chicken or pig is symbolic at best. ANGELA: This is not a symbol, this is a face. It worries me that you can look into these eyes and be so cold. BRENNAN: I'm sure he's a fine piglet- ANGELA: How are we friends? How is it possible? We have nothing in common. BRENNAN: What, you don't want to be friends anymore, because the pig is cute? (Angela walks away from Brennan) (Cut to: Royal Diner) SWEETS: What if the victim used the wife's camera to strike back at the company that disfigured him? BOOTH: Maybe, he was having an affair. SWEETS: Or maybe she was sick of kissing the guy with a beak. Oh woah! Hey, today's specials; chicken. Ironic. BOOTH: Everything okay there, Bones? I know when there is something wrong with you, something's wrong, alright? What can I do to help you? BRENNAN: Angela and I had a fight. BOOTH: Nothing I can do to help. BRENNAN: You want to hear about it. BOOTH: No. SWEETS: Why not? BOOTH: Because her and Angela are best friends. And Bones is gonna want me to take her side and agree Angela was wrong and those two are gonna make up, and they're both going to be mad at me. No thank you. SWEETS: That's very interesting. BOOTH: You know the way you say 'very interesting' is very irritating. (Sweets didn't reply) Listen, Bones, I would do anything for you. I would die for you, I would kill for you, but I am not getting in between two best friends. BRENNAN: Okay. What were you saying, Sweets? SWEETS: Hmm? Oh! Oh uh, I've been considering the symbolism of this murder. Tossing him into a dam isn't very chicken-ny. You'd think the victim would show up in a rotisserie or a deep frier. BRENNAN: I remember a month ago, a chicken restaurant chain reported human phalanges in deep fried treats. BOOTH: Kid bit into a thumb. SWEETS: Mom ate a toe. It was uh, Buck Buck Chicken's Hut. BOOTH: Maybe the toes are our victim's. SWEETS: Totally pulled the justice. BRENNAN: If you could get the body parts from the chicken treats to the Jeffersonian, we'll see if it match our victim. BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: I'm going back to the lab. Send the fingers over when you find them. (about to leave) BOOTH: (grabs Brennan's hand) Whoa, Bones. Everything is going to be okay between you and Angela. Alright? You two are like sisters. BRENNAN: I'm just not used-to not getting along with people. SWEETS: Seriously? Cause it seems like- (Booth kicks Sweets under the table; Booth smiles at Brennan reassuring her everything will be alright) BRENNAN: Thanks, Booth. Just bring in the human parts tomorrow and (pats his hand; giving him a reassuring smile) I'll take a look. (walks away) SWEETS: You combined your 'don't get between women' rule and 'you're like sisters' observation, I come up with you dated sisters. BOOTH: [laughs] They're identical twins. Yeah, it was all wrong. SWEETS: No, it's all right! (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab. Cam and Brennan are at the lab platform) CAM: These have been frozen, fried, microwaved, bitten, spat out and preserved as evidence. BRENNAN: Bone density would indicate that all 4 digits came from the same person. CAM: They all came from the same local chain chicken restaurant. BRENNAN: Buck Buck. CAM: Beg your pardon? BRENNAN: Buck Buck Chicken's Hut. Is Clucksten a supplier? CAM: They're one of them. No way in telling where these particular human nuggets came from. BRENNAN: So lack of bruising on the bone at the precision point- CAM: Removed post mortem. So not torture obviously. BRENNAN: There are some symmetrical slice marks, pitching from the center of the bone tissue. CAM: Removed with shears? BRENNAN: You should do a DNA test of course. I'm confident all 4 body parts came from Nick Rabin. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT FOUR (Cut to: Sweets' office. Sweets walks in to see Angela already seated in one of the sofas) ANGELA: Hey. SWEETS: Are you here because of your argument with Dr Brennan? ANGELA: No- no. I'm here for a donation. She told you about our fight? SWEETS: No. Booth figured it out. Donation for what? ANGELA: (holds up a picture of a piglet) It's gonna cost $1500 to save this piglet. (Sweets is speechless) How much are you in for? SWEETS: Are those tears in your eyes? ANGELA: I just can't stop thinking about this little piglet. SWEETS: Okay. I'm gonna suggest perhaps it's time for you to, abandon celibacy a little early. ANGELA: What does that have to do with anything? SWEETS: You're forming an inappropriately strong attachments to photographs of baby animals. Your libido is being rerouted. You need to come back to the world. ANGELA: Wait a minute, inappropriate my ass. (gets up to leave) Can I ask, what is wrong with everyone here? SWEETS: Uh, you had a falling out with your best friend over a pig. Your perspective is skewed. It's time to reconnect with humanity. Gain a little perspective. ANGELA: Okay. Alright, so if I have s*x, will you donate to save my pig? SWEET:S It's not really- the point I was gonna- We'll revisit the pig question. ANGELA: (hands over photo to Sweets) You can keep this. I have multiples. (walks out) (Cut to: FBI Building. Interrogation room where Gaynor Rabins is being interrogated by Booth) GAYNOR: You think I kill my husband? Cut off his thumbs? Dump him over the savage river dam? BOOTH: Thumbs and toes, yes. Oh, do you recognize this? (plays chicken footage) GAYNOR: It's the video those peg people put on the internet. BOOTH: Right, it was taken with your camera. GAYNOR: You're making that up, you can't possibly know that. BOOTH: We can prove that. Let's start this all over again. Did you, take this footage? GAYNOR: Yes, I took it. BOOTH: Did you give it to Josh Parsons? GAYNOR: Yes, I did. I wanted Clucksten shut down. BOOTH: Why? I mean, your husband is next in line to take over the business. GAYNOR: Because I was tired of getting threatening phone calls, tired of being hated in my own town, but most of all, Agent Booth, is I wanted my husband to get his real face back. So I gave the footage to the activists. BOOTH: How is it possible that your husband's thumbs ended up on the menu? GAYNOR: Easy. Toss them into the nuggets before they're breaded, fried, and frozen for shipment. BOOTH: Are you suggesting that the killer was working in Clucksten Farms? (Gaynor nods) You realized Clucksten is doomed after this. GAYNOR: Yeah. BOOTH: So you got exactly what you wanted. GAYNOR: No Agent Booth, I did not. What I wanted was my husband back. BOOTH: I understand. Is there anyone else who benefits from Clucksten Farms going under? GAYNOR: Probably the anti-smell people. The people who stay downwind. BOOTH: I need a name. That's all. GAYNOR: The main clear-air nut is Roy Meyers. He's a baker with a shop two miles down Clucksten Farms. (Cut to Jeffersonian Lab. Angela's room. Wendell works in to see Angela with a file) WENDELL: Hey, I got some more date on the bone bruising. ANGELA: Hey. So I need $1500. WENDELL: I need about $14000 to repay student loans. What'd you need your money for? ANGELA: (holds up photo of pig) I need to save this pig. WENDELL: Being made into bacon? ANGELA: Yeah. WENDELL: (pauses) I love bacon. I love ribs. I love steak. I love meat- I'm a meater. And I'm not apologetic about it. ANGELA: Look at his face. (holds up the photo higher; waiting for a response from Wendell) WENDELL: Look Angela, I'm sorry. Here's 20- 25- 45 dollars? Take it all. (smiles at her) It'll save your pig. (Touched and thrilled, Angela kisses him, and he passionately kisses her back) (Cut to: Roy Meyer's bakery. Booth and Brennan approaches Roy Meyer) BOOTH: Roy Meyers? MEYERS: Yes. BOOTH: FBI. Agent Booth. This here is Dr Temperance Brennan. We understand you're trying to get the state to shut down Clucksten Farms? MEYERS: Sure. Because no one would come in and make it through the stench. BRENNAN: They were here first? MEYERS: Yeah. Back when it was a free range chicken ranch but it's a beast now. Factory farm; heartless. Reasonable people call it. Uh, you'll excuse me, [takes out a cigar] I took this in a way to get fresh air, as ironic as that sounds. BRENNAN: Considering your malodorous habit, would you say that your dispute with Clucksten Farms is more financially motivated than health related? MEYERS: Sure. You know how a baker sells its wares? BOOTH: Yeah. People smell the bread from outside, they go inside, they spend a dough. MEYERS: Thanks to Clucksten Farms, to smell my cinnamon buns, people have to jam their noses right in that damn thing. BOOTH: Clucksten Farms is trying to put you out of business. BRENNAN: Can I take a look at that? MEYERS: Yeah [gives her the cigar cutter] Me and anybody else who relies on the sense of smell, sense of taste. BRENNAN: [holds the cigar cutter] Will your thumb fir into this hole? BOOTH: Whoa whoa oh. You don't stick that into my thumb. It's like a mini gilatin. MEYERS: You wanna be careful with that. It's sharp as a razor. It'll nip your thumb off in a jippy. [Booth & Brennan looks at him] What? It's a federal crime to own a cigar clipper? ACT FIVE (Cut to Jeffersonian Lab, Bone Room.) ANGELA: The human eye can also receive colors between wavelengths of 400 and 750 nanometers. WENDELL: This full spectrum light source simulate both the visible and UV spectrum. Angela is brilliant. ANGELA: [smiles at Wendell] So we run the image through the spectroscope, then now we can detect the color difference that is not visible to the human eye. WENDELL: [points at screen] I was able to confirm these are post mortem bruises, likely caused my rocks and debris while the victim was travelling down river. ANGELA: Right, then we assigned all post mortem bruising with one distinct color, and peri mortem with another. Injuries sustained before death will appear red and after death, black. WENDELL: Save me hours and hours of work. CAM: This is what happens when two people with different disciplines find each other and work closely. [Wendell & Angela look awkwardly at each other; Cam notices] Can you highlight the peri mortem bruising? WENDELL: Evenly spaced circular impact bruises on the right temporal sphenoid region continuing along the frontal and pivotal bones; all of them have identical directionality. CAM: What the hell would leave marks like that? WENDELL: What kind of machine? CAM: And why they stop there? WENDELL: Something stops the weapon from striking down into the skull in this area. HODGINS: (walks in) The microscopic metal deposits on the thumb bone does not match the baker's cigar cutter. But fortunately, I'm very thorough and tenacious. (Cut to: Hodgins' lab) HODGINS: There was evidence of streaming nuclei in the bone cells. WENDELL: That was my job to find. HODGINS: It's okay, kid. Around here, we step in for each other when needed. ANGELA: [surprised] What? HODGINS: [turns to look at Angela] Hmm? ANGELA: [Wendell looks at her; she recalls] Oh you mean work. HODGINS: Yeah, what did you mean? ANGELA: Work. I agree, it's work. Can we move on? CAM: So we have electricity? ANGELA: Who? CAM: Streaming nuclei suggest voltage. ANGELA: Oh, oh, I know. WENDELL: Like self cauterizing blade. HODGINS: There's gotta be something like that in a place that kills thousands of chickens everyday. Ahh, here we go. This has narrowed it down. He had beak and feather disease virus. WENDELL: Beak and feather disease in his thumb? CAM: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that what we're looking for is a self cauterizing instrument that cuts beak and feathers. ANGELA: Wait a minute, the video. (Cut to: FBI interrogation room. Video footage of chicken is playing and then is paused at a scene) BOOTH: That's you right, Miss McNamara? McNAMARA: Yeah. BRENNAN: Your occupation is "Beak Clipper"? McNAMARA: Baby chicks are jammed so close together, they get stressed, attack each other; it's my job to cut off the tip of their beaks. BOOTH: [disgusted] It isn't a good job to have. McNAMARA: I got demoted from Plucker. Bet you didn't know there was something worse than Plucker. BOOTH: When you were demoted, was that before or after you charged Nick Rabin for sexual harassment? McNAMARA: After. Go figure. Nick was a groper. Never saw the guy coming. It got over, real fast. BRENNAN: How much training do you need to run the "Beak Clipping" machine? McNAMARA: None. It got to be a person who is willing to cut off the beak of the newborn chicks. Why? BRENNAN: Because your machine was used to remove Nick's thumbs and big toes. McNAMARA: Hey! If I was to cut something off Nick Rabin, it would not be his thumb. BOOTH: Okay. Usually what people do right now is they insist they didn't kill anyone. McNAMARA: Well, maybe I fantasize about it too many times, I actually did it. BOOTH: Do you know anything about Nick Rabin's death or his mutilation body? McNAMARA: No. But still, if you could arrange it, I wouldn't mind getting away from Clucksten and spending a few days in jail. (Booth and Brennan looks in disbelief) (Cut to: FBI Building, Sweets' room) BRENNAN: I don't need a professional consultation, Sweets. SWEETS: Well, this is not that. This is just a friendly conversation. BRENNAN: Angela will come around. SWEETS: You're certain she will? BRENNAN: Yeah. Eventually, Angela will see the rational nature of my argument. SWEETS: [repeats] She will come around. BRENNAN: I already said that. SWEETS: Hey! Crazy thought. What if, this time you came around? BRENNAN: Saving one pig is an irrational act. Are you suggesting that I should point that out to Angela more clearly? Because that would make this conversation very much like a professional consultation. SWEETS: No, I'm suggesting in a very friendly conversational way, that you help her save that one pig. BRENNAN: But we both agreed that it's a meaningless act. SWEETS: Meaningless by your definition, not Angela's. BRENNAN: My definition is correct. SWEETS: Yes. And if life was simply a debate, you would win, hands down. But we know, this isn't a debate. It's something much tougher. You know our very work shows us that, that those people, that call the world an abattoir -- a slaughterhouse -- they have a point. Now you handle that knowledge by imposing this, gossamer web of rationality, over the ugliness. Angela has a very different way of handling. Sometimes you don't save the world, Dr. Brennan. (pauses) Sometimes you just make your friend happy. BRENNAN: But, even if it's irrational? (Sweets doesn't reply; Brennan slowly smiles in understanding. She picks up the photo of the pig) He is very, very cute. I mean, almost like he's smiling. (Brennan and Sweets smile at each other) (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab) HODGINS: Wendell and I have been testing chicken factory implements in order to find something that would leave symmetrical marks on the victim. (Brennan walks in) CAM: Searching for the murder weapon. BRENNAN: Did you find it yet? WENDELL: Uh no, but we have the parameters. HODGINS: Mr Bray, please resume in position. (gesturing him to take a seat) WENDELL: The skull was struck repeatedly. HODGINS: We need somebody to actually spin Wendell on the stool. CAM: (hesitant) Yeah, I don't roll the interns. Perhaps Angela would do it. (Wendell snaps the headcap suddenly) BRENNAN: I'll do it. HODGINS: (using paintbrush on Wendell) Okay, it appears as if the victim was turning and, or rolling. CAM: Someone rolling? HODGINS: As it appears. BRENNAN: The directionality indicates that. WENDELL: (still spinning) Can I stop turning while you discuss this? HODGINS: Not yet, dude. Now we haven't determined is what he would've rolled on that would've done this. BRENNAN: Oh! What if! What if, the victim wasn't spinning. What if, the weapon was spinning. WENDELL: Oh, thank you God. (Brennan pushes him forward) BRENNAN: The bruises had common directionality, it's likely that the victim was faced down (twist Wendell's head slightly) at an angle. If the implement striking the victim's head, was spinning (taking the paintbrush & hitting it on Wendell's head; Cam feels sorry for him) I- I know, which piece of equipment causes these bone bruises and the victim's neck at the same time. ACT SIX (Cut to Jeffersonian Lab, Booth is bringing in the chicken machinery on Brennan's request) BOOTH: Yeaap, here we go. (starts making machine sounds) Hey Bones! Look at this, huh? Serve the warrant for your chicken plucker! CAM: Oh,we got blood (flashes UV light on machinery) BOOTH: From the chickens? BRENNAN: No. The chickens are drained by the time they get here. They'll barely be any blood left. (Brennan picks up a piece of fibre found) BOOTH: Whoa kay, what's that? BRENNAN: If my theory turn out to be correct, it'll turn out to be a fragment of the victim's necktie. (places it in evidence bag) I'm going to need your tie to test the theory. BOOTH: You mean the tie I'm wearing right now? But- BRENNAN: (ignoring him) Uh-huh. (unties Booth's necktie) I'm not certain if the tie will be ruined. (turns out the machine) CAM: The Jeffersonian will reimbursed it if needed. BOOTH: It's just a tie. BRENNAN: The murderer and victim struggle. Victim's tie enter the chicken plucker (places tie inside) That amount of force would definitely wrung the victim's neck. CAM: Uh-oh. BRENNAN: What? My reasoning is flawless. BOOTH: Shut that off, will ya? Your theory suggest it was an accident. BRENNAN: No. I disagree. CAM: They fight, tie gets caught inevitably. BRENNAN: No. (points at screen) This pattern has a missing component. Here. Suggest something block the strike. Obviously the murderer's hand. Like this. (places her hand on the side of Booth's face) You should see if an employee of Clucksten Farms was treated for a broken hand. (Cam nods in agreement) (Cut to: FBI interrogation room. John Collins is being brought in.) BRENNAN: (holds up an xray) These fractures to your 2nd and 3rd metacarpals in your left hand, they are caused by being struck. BOOTH: That ain't smart. COLLINS: How did you get my xrays? BOOTH: The judge decided that we have reasonable cause. Pulled a warrant. So why would the Head of Security reaches into a moving chicken plucker? COLLINS: 8 years, I worked in that hell hole. Why? (takes out a photo from his wallet) BRENNAN: (looks at photo) Your wife? COLLINS: We were going to have kids. But she got sick because she worked at Cluckstens. BRENNAN: Did you have evidence of that? COLLINS: That's exactly what Nick asked. When we move into the next county, she got better. That's evidence enough, if you ask me. All I wanted from Nick, was gas allowance. BOOTH: And he said no. COLLINS: We shoved each other a bit, I guess. His tie got stuck into the chicken plucker. I reached in, I tried to save him, and that's how my hand got broke! BOOTH: You didn't intend to kill him? COLLINS: No! God, no. BOOTH: (feeling sorry for him) Oh okay, I understand. BRENNAN: (shocked by Booth's reply) Booth. I know you trust your gut, but you're wrong this time. (to Collins) The directionality of these fractures show that your hand was on Nick Rabin's face when it went into the machine. You pushed him, you killed him. (Booth & Brennan exchange glances; Collins finally admits) COLLINS: I drive 68 miles to work everyday, and all I wanted was gas allowance. I worked there 8 years! Just a gas allowance, so my wife can stay healthy. (Booth finds it difficult to accept that Collins was lying earlier after he confesses to committing a murder) (Cut to: Founding Fathers bar. The entire team is seen having a drink or two) BRENNAN: Would you like one of those fruity drinks? BOOTH: No. (Brennan and Angela exchange glances) BOOTH: You know he fooled me, he fooled me. I actually believed he was trying to save the victim. BRENNAN: He's a very good liar. BOOTH: Bones, I can tell, when people are lying. Or I could tell, before my whole, rectal cerebral - infracture. BRENNAN: (chuckles) That's not a real medical condition. BOOTH: (not amused) You sure? Cause that's not what I'm feeling right now. BRENNAN: If it were real, it would be pretty disgusting. Rectal, cerebral- BOOTH: Bones, I'm losing it. I'm- I'm not up to speed here. I woke up this morning, and I realized I didn't even know if I like brown sugar ion my oatmeal. BRENNAN: Well next time, call me. You like brown sugar on everything. BOOTH: I'm the one, who's supposed to know when people are lying. Who do I call up for that? BRENNAN: (thinks) Sweets. BOOTH: Sweets? BRENNAN: You said he's like a human lie detector test. BOOTH: I don't like things at half speed okay? I'm a full-speed kinda guy. BRENNAN: Well even at half speed, you're still twice as fast as anyone else. BOOTH: (slowly smiles) You wanna see the fastest draw in the west? BRENNAN: Sure. BOOTH: You want to see it again? BRENNAN: (laughs; then recalls something & takes out a photo of Angela's pig) Sweets thinks I should humor Angela. BOOTH: Sweets is a bright kid. BRENNAN: But I want to know what you think. As a full grown man of experience. I need to know what you think. BOOTH: I think you should let her have this one. (Brennan smiles at him; turns to leave) Where you going? (she holds up her chequebook) What, you mean now? I don't mean, this second. (Brennan is seen making her way to Angela, they talk for a while before they both started smiling and hugging each other. Booth smiles while watching them. Brennan passes Angela the cheque. Booth observes the intimacy between Wendell and Angela before Wendell realizes. Brennan returns back to her seat) BRENNAN: Angela seems to be very happy. BOOTH: I can see that. BRENNAN: You certainly said that in a funny way. (realizes that Booth is hiding something) You noticed something! See? You still got it! (smiles widely) BOOTH: You're not gonna ask me what I saw? BRENNAN: Do I wanna know? BOOTH: No. (chuckles) Do you wanna know anyway? BRENNAN: Nope! It can wait. I trust you. (They both share a toast) END.

Plan: A: a local chicken farmer; Q: Who was found mutilated? A: a nearby river; Q: Where were the remains of the chicken farmer found? A: the various suspects; Q: What do Booth and Brennan investigate? A: several animal rights activists; Q: Who are protesting outside the chicken factory? A: Angela; Q: Who asks for donations to save a piglet? A: friends; Q: What does Angela question why they are? A: Wendell; Q: Who makes a donation to Angela? A: a relationship; Q: What starts to develop between Angela and Wendell? A: five and half months; Q: How long has Angela been celibate? Summary: When the remains of a local chicken farmer are found mutilated by a nearby river, Booth and Brennan investigate the various suspects, including several animal rights activists who are protesting outside the chicken factory. Angela, feeling bothered by the practices of the chicken farm, asks for donations to save a piglet in which Brennan declines as her belief of saving one will not change anything, causing her to question why they are friends. After Wendell makes a donation to Angela, they kiss and a relationship starts to develop as Angela has now been celibate for five and half months.

COLD OPEN. [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT] (Police cars and a helicopter chase after a speeding vehicle. Sirens wail.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. INTERSTATE 15 -- LVPD SQUAD CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT] (OFFICER METCALF is in one of the cars chasing the speeding vehicle and he's on the radio.) Officer Metcalf: Unit 584-Adam. Please be advised we're in pursuit of a BMW going southbound on Interstate 15 at a high rate of speed. Dispatch: (over radio) Roger, 158. You are cleared for maneuver. (He swings out and tips the speeding vehicle in the rear bumper. The speeding vehicle continues on. He swings out again and tips the speeding vehicle in the rear bumper. This time, the speeding vehicle runs off of the road.) (It comes to a stop on the side of the road. The Police Officer stops a safe distance behind it.) (OFFICER METCALF jumps out of the police car with his gun drawn.) Officer Metcalf: Driver roll down your window. Let me see your hands. (He slowly makes his way toward the car.) (He reaches out a hand to open the car door.) (Suddenly, the car door opens. He jerks back as two women dressed only in their underwear exit the car with their arms raised.) Anna Leah (blonde): Don't shoot. Don't shoot! LORI (BRUNETTE): Don't shoot. Don't shoot. (OFFICER METCALF raises his hand to stop the other officers from moving in. He reaches for his radio.) Officer Metcalf: (to radio) Dispatch, unit 584 is a code four. We got a couple of girls joyriding. (to the other officer) Rookie, clear the vehicle! (The two women stand their with their arms raised.) (Cut to: The ROOKIE checks the front seat of the car and finds nothing. She backs out and closes the door.) (She walks around to the back of the car where she starts looking around. She finds some blood on the rear bumper.) (Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the blood.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. INTERSTATE 15 - SHOULDER (SOUTHBOUND) - NIGHT] (GRISSOM slams the car door shut. Carrying his kit, he makes his way toward BRASS. They both walk toward the back of the car.) Brass: {unintelligible} Grissom: 4-19? Brass: More like a four. (Puzzled, GRISSOM turns to look at the car. BRASS lifts up the trunk hood.) [INSIDE TRUNK POV] (The trunk hood is raised and GRISSOM'S eyebrows rise in surprise. He looks at BRASS, then bends to put his kit down. He straightens and glances down at the trunk's contents.) Grissom: (quoting) Ichabod was horror-struck on perceiving that he was headless." (BRASS glances at GRISSOM.) Brass: ...Sleepy hollow. (GRISSOM glances back at BRASS.) [RESUME REGULAR CAMERA ANGLE INTO THE TRUNK] (Inside the trunk is a head severed at the neck. GRISSOM reaches in and lifts the eye lid to look at the pupil.) Grissom: Vitreous humor is glazed over. [INSIDE TRUNK POV] Brass: What does that mean? Grissom: That means that, six to eight hours ago somebody lost their head. Then ... somebody lost their head. (Both turn glance at each other, then glance back at the head.) HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/RECEPTION AREA- NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks into the hallway and tosses an envelope into the outgoing mail basket on the reception desk.) Catherine: Sayonara. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks into the break room, followed closely by SARA and NICK. They're extremely surprised to find GRISSOM already in the room and sitting behind the table.) Catherine: Well, well, what a switch. You actually beat us here. Grissom: It's Evaluation Day. Catherine: Hmm. Grissom: Where's Warrick? (SARA turns around to look. She glances at NICK, who raises his eyebrows at her.) Catherine: He's working spillover -- personal thing -- kid he knows who's in trouble. Grissom: Oh, that's right. (shakes his head as he remembers) He told me. I forgot. Catherine: Well, maybe we should be evaluating you. Grissom: You're a riot, Alice. You and I are going to work the head case. (He hands the assignment slip to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Goody. Grissom: Nick, another homicide. 4-19, 40 miles outside of Baker. (He hands the assignment slip to NICK. NICK takes it and pulls back to leave, thinking it's a solo.) Nick: Okay. Good. I'm on it. Grissom: Sara, you go with him. Sara: (thrilled) Yes! Road trip. (She turns around and taps NICK on the shoulders.) Sara: I'm gonna go switch boots. (SARA leaves the break room. NICK appears less than thrilled. He turns around and looks at GRISSOM. GRISSOM sees the look. So does CATHERINE.) Grissom: Cath, I'll catch up with you. (She nods and leaves.) Catherine: I'll meet you at the autopsy. (glances back at GRISSOM) "Head"-topsy. (She walks out of the room. NICK looks at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Sit down. (NICK sighs and sits down.) Nick: Look. Grissom I know this is a bad time to bitch to the boss but, uh, I've been a CSI Level 3 for nine months now. I was a CSI before Warrick. Warrick works D.B.'S solo. Why can't I? Grissom: Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk. Nick: "Silk, silk, silk"? Grissom: At do cows drink? Nick: Milk. Grissom: (he shakes his head) Cows drink water. They give milk. A simple riddle. Common sense disguised in a puzzle of words, but an excellent barometer for evaluating someone's readiness. Nick: (frustrated) Look, I'm not one of your suspects you can trick, okay? If I'm not ready, be a man -- tell me I'm not ready. Grissom: You're not ready. Nick: You know why I took this job? Honestly? I wanted to pack heat, walk under the yellow tape, be the man ... but mostly, because I want you to think I'm a good CSI. Grissom: And that's the reason I have to hold you back. (NICK shakes his head and looks away.) Grissom: Anybody who's great at anything, Nick, does it for their own approval not someone else's. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Alone in his autopsy room, DR. ROBBINS has the tape player blaring while playing his crutch like a guitar. He sings along to the music, his back to the door. He doesn't see GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the room.) (He glances behind him and sees them standing there. He quickly reaches over to turn the volume down.) Dr. Albert Robbins: uh, voice sound familiar? Catherine: Kind of sounds like the daytime coroner. Grissom: Gary Telgenhoff? Dr. Albert Robbins: Yep. A songwriter in his off-time. What do you think? Catherine: (considers) It sucks. Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmm. Catherine: Hey, I just filed for divorce. I'm feeling a little confident. Grissom: (to CATHERINE) I guess. (to ROBBINS) I like it. Catherine: So, where's the head? (DR. ROBBINS reaches over and turns the music off. He turns toward the head.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, police I.D.'d him at the scene when they ran his plates compared the DMV head shot to the head. Grissom, Catherine, meet Victor Dasilva. (DR. ROBBINS pulls the sheet aside to show them the head. GRISSOM walks around to the front of the head.) (He looks at the top of the head and sighs.) Grissom: What did this? (Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of the top of the head with a three-pronged indentation on the scalp.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Hard to tell without making a mold. Grissom: Fatal blow? Dr. Albert Robbins: (nods) Looks like it. (CATHERINE leans in close to look at the markings on the jaw.) Catherine: Man, look at those chopping wounds on the jawbone. (Camera moves in for an extreme close up of the wound markings.) Catherine: They almost look like practice swings. Grissom: It could've been dark. Bad aim, maybe? Catherine: Definitely a crime of passion. Grissom: You think a female could do this? Catherine: I could have. (beat) Grissom: (sing-song-ish) Scared of you. (CATHERINE stands up.) Dr. Albert Robbins: If you want to know what exact tools were used we're going to need to boil the head. (Suddenly, GRISSOM is interested in this part of the investigation. He straightens and looks at DR. ROBBINS.) Grissom: Really? You want me to prepare it? Dr. Albert Robbins: Sure. What, uh, additive do you put in your boil? (CATHERINE stiffens and listens to the conversation.) Grissom: Laundry detergent. Works great. It's like peeling off a rubber halloween mask. (GRISSOM makes a motion down the front of the head as if he were peeling off the skin. CATHERINE nods her head, barely containing her excitement.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Excellent. (She can't take it anymore.) Catherine: Well, I'm out of here. I'm going to be with Brass ... see if I can get anything on those Victoria's Secret girls. (CATHERINE turns and leaves the room. GRISSOM and DR. ROBBINS immediately resume their conversation about the head.) Grissom: Where's your crock-pot, Doc? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GUARD GATE HUT - INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX - NIGHT] (WARRICK walks up to the parking lot. CHARLES MOORE stands there in his uniform with a clipboard in his hand. He turns when WARRICK calls out to him.) Warrick: Mr. Moore. (They both walk back to the guard gate.) Charles Moore: My grandson won't take my calls. He'll only talk to you. Warrick: I think James called me tonight because he thought I could help him. Charles Moore: That was a nice thing you did giving him your pager number when he went away but he should be calling me. I'm his grandfather. I deserve to know what happened. Warrick: James is all right but, uh, there was a big brawl at the detention center. James was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Charles Moore: (fearing the worst) What's my grandson looking at? Warrick: If he talks, he'll be dead inside a month. Now, if he keeps quiet, the D.A. will put the squeeze on him. He'll probably end up in the big house you could lose your boy forever then. Charles Moore: Why didn't James call me ... tell me? Warrick: He probably knew what your advice would be. To do the honorable thing. Charles Moore: There's no honor in jail. Warrick: Not without a price. Look, a crime occurred. CSI's got full jurisdiction. I got myself assigned to the case. I'll see if I can take James out of the middle. (MR. MOORE nods his head in appreciation, knowing that he can't do anything to help. WARRICK puts a supportive hand on his shoulder, then turns and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (BRASS and CATHERINE interview the two girls who are now barefoot and wrapped in blankets.) Brass: Can we offer you girls something to drink? Lori: Please don't say that word. Brass: You want to tell us why two college freshmen were driving a stolen BMW with a head in the trunk? Anna Leah: We already told you. We had no idea that was in the trunk. (She glances at her friend, LORI, who is looking away.) Lori: (mutters) Gross. Catherine: Now there's a start-- "gross." Gross negligence-- flying down I-15 in a stolen car. Gross anatomy-- a human bowling ball in the trunk. Gross details-- let's hear it. (The two girls look at each other.) Anna Leah: We lost our friends at bar 911. (Quick flashback to: [BAR 911] Inside the crowded bar, the girls are sitting at the counter having drinks.) Anna Leah: (V.O.) We had no ride home. We were bored. So, we started shots of tequila ... (The two girls throw back their heads to drink the shots with a couple of guys at the bar.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Anna Leah: ... with some guy who looked like ... like Cat Stevens. (The two girls glance at each other and chuckle at the memory.) (Quick flashback to: [BAR 911] One of the guys standing between the two girls has his arm around both of them.) (ANNA LEAH raises her arm up in the air and screams with excitement.) Anna Leah: Whoo! (Cut to: [PARKING LOT OF BAR 911] Inside the van in the parking lot, they're with the stranger who looks like Cat Stevens.) Anna Leah: (V.O.) Next thing we know, we're in his van playing strip poker. (LORI laughs and takes her tank top off and throws it at ANNA LEAH.) Lori: I can't believe we're doing this. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (ANNA LEAH laughs at the memory.) Anna Leah: It was a blast at first. Then, um ... (She turns and looks over at CATHERINE and BRASS and she sobers up immediately.) Anna Leah: Then he said the creepiest thing. (Quick flashback to: [PARKING LOT OF BAR 911] Inside the van, as they're playing poker, they continue to play strip poker.) Stranger: So, I met this girl on the internet who offered me a round-trip ticket to fly out and help her end her life. She wanted me to shove a tennis ball down her throat. (Cut to: [PARKING LOT] The van doors burst open and the two women in their underwear stumble out of the van. They search frantically for a way to get away from the Stranger.) (ANNA LEAH sees the red car parked in the parking lot just outside the COLLINS U-STORE-IT sign and heads for it. She opens the door and finds that it's unlocked.) Anna Leah: Lori! Lori, over here! Lori! (They both get inside the car. They take off.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Let me guess. You left your clothes in the van. Lori: We were so out of there. Anna Leah: This guy was weird. Like, way weird. I was thinking that he was going to pull a Silence of the Lambs on me and tell me to "put lotion in the basket." (LORI nudges ANNA with her elbow. The two girls fall silent. Then ANNA chuckles at the memory. She tries to stop herself, but can't. Soon, they're both chuckling.) (BRASS and CATHERINE aren't impressed. They glance slowly at each other.) Brass: You know what I think? I don't think you two are murderers. I think you're just felony stupid. But, for now, you're being booked on evading arrest, grand theft auto, DWI. You go with this officer here. (They both stand up to do as they're told.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. -- NIGHT] (JAMES MOORE and WARRICK walk outside as they talk.) Man (over P.A.): Lockdown is in effect. All guards remain at your posts. James Moore: I love my grandpa -- don't get me wrong -- but he's got no idea how it works in here. I'm not sure you do, either. Warrick: Why don't you tell me? James Moore: First off, this place only sees two colors: Black and white. You stay with your own. Despite what those chucks think upstairs this entire place is infiltrated with rolling 60s. Overflow from L.A. Warrick: That's a lot of education in a short time, huh? James Moore: Yeah. I mean, I'm just trying to survive, man. I'm 60 days and a wake-up unless I get got. Warrick: James, why don't you take a deep breath and tell me what happened here. James Moore: First, you got to tell me something. You got to tell me what side you're on. Warrick: Whose "side" I'm on? Who reached out to you, man? James Moore: Who put me in here? Warrick: James, I'm trying to help you. (JAMES glances at WARRICK and then makes a decision.) James Moore: All right. It breaks down like this -- (Quick flashback to: The two inmates walk up to each other. One of them is holding a shank in the palm of his hand.) James Moore: (V.O.) Kingpin from Gerson Park and Kingpin from L.A. County/Slauson both under one roof. It was time for one of them to stake their claim. (The two men fight.) James Moore: (V.O.) Vegas fool got shanked. (The fight ends and the Vegas Kingpin is dead on the floor. Suddenly, they realize that JAMES is sitting on the bed. The remaining kingpin and two of his gang sit on the bed to talk with JAMES.) James Moore: (V.O.) I was sitting right there. I had two things going against me: I'm the newest face and the only witness. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: So it's your life versus time. James Moore: Basically, yeah and everybody knows about it. They're just waiting to see what I'm going to do. I sing ... they send me a song back. I shut up ... I'm your age when I get out. (Camera holds on WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. 40 MILES OUTSIDE BAKER -- NIGHT] (SARA and NICK approach SGT. O'RILEY who is standing outside next to his car waiting for them.) Sara: Who found the body? Sgt. O'Riley: Department of Agriculture. They were searching for wild horses in their chopper when they found it. None of the boys would even go near it. I had to tape the perimeter myself. Sara: Where is it? (He shines the light along the ground.) Sgt. O'Riley: Just follow my prints. (Cut to: SARA and NICK follow the footprints and approach what's left of the body. They see a clump of flesh and bones.) Nick: Oh, man. Sara: There's no head. Think it's DaSilva? (NICK puts a hand up to cover his nose.) Nick: If it's the rest of him he's been skinned. Sara: Uh... hands and feet have been amputated. Nick: Yeah. Most likely to avoid I.D. Hey, Sara. Sara: Yeah? (NICK shines the light on the ground around the corpse.) Nick: No approaching surface prints. No tire tracks. Only O'Riley's boot prints. These are ours. Look at the area around the corpse. Look at the big dent in the ground, like a meteor hit. (Considering his implication, SARA ponders where the body could have come from, then looks up at the sky above.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JUVENILLE DETENTION CENTER -- NIGHT] (WARRICK walks through the courtyard where the detainees are milling outside. They watch as he approaches and walks through them to get inside.) Caucasian Detainee: (V.O.) That guy's from the crime lab. You gonna spray some chemical stuff over the dorm, man? Black Detainee: Hey, what you got in the tackle box, babe? You going fishing? Black Detainee: Hey, brother, what's up? Let me talk to you real quick. Deputy: Welcome to juvie. It's all yours. (She nods her head toward the rooms inside.) (She steps aside. WARRICK opens the door and walks in. He puts his kit down on the ground and starts looking around the room for evidence.) (Cut to: WARRICK walks up to the pool of blood and the bloodied rag used to soak it up. He finds himself standing in front of bed 52.) (He examines the wall in front of the bed. There are three things on the wall. A photo of JAMES with this GRANDFATHER; a card with a quote written on it: "A man's pride will bring him low; but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit." Proverbs 29:23; and "WARRICK" 555-0127.) (Cut to: WARRICK lifts up the top bunk's mattress.) (Cut to: WARRICK checks another bunk. As he checks the bunk out, he sees a crucifix and two photos taped to the wall-one sepia-colored of a woman and the other black and white photo of a baby.) (Cut to: A glimpse of a towel and toothpaste.) (Cut to: WARRICK lifts up the mattress to look underneath it.) (Cut to: WARRICK checks out the toilet stalls one by one. In the fourth stall, he notices that the toilet it backed up, seat dirty, water brown. He puts his kit down, rolls up his sleeve and sticks his hand inside.) (He pulls out a blood-stained white shirt.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (NICK and SARA are back at CSI and just entering the garage. SARA is obviously hesitant about what they're about to do.) Sara: I'm not sure you should be doing this. Nick: What are we doing? Walking through the garage. (NICK heads for the car.) Sara: Snooping for trace on Grissom and Catherine's stolen BMW? (NICK turns around to look at SARA.) Nick: All right. It's simple. We got the body, they got the head. The BMW's fair game. Come on, Sara, where's your "Noriega"? Sara: What has gotten into you? Nick: Grissom. (NICK opens the driver's side front door and starts looking around for trace. He starts checking the seats.) (SARA takes a swab and takes a sample of the blood on the rear fender.) (NICK continues to check out the front seat.) (SARA tests the sample and the swab turns blue.) (NICK kneels down and starts examining the front seat floor. He finds something stuck in the grooves of the pedal.) Nick: Uh ... Sara ... want to take a look at this? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (DR. ROBBINS goes over the "body" with GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: It's like nothing I've seen before -- honestly, Gil -- in all my years. Grissom: The head or the torso? Dr. Albert Robbins: Torso. Look at the width of the ribcage -- it's enormous - - and the shoulders are significantly larger in proportion and size compared to the average endomorph. Grissom: The bone structure is disproportionate. Dr. Albert Robbins: Correct. I measured the tibia and fibula around the ankle area then the radius and the ulna at the wrists -- the bones are 10-15% larger than the standard homo sapiens. Left fracture of the ischial prominence of the pelvis. Fracture of the pubis synphisus. Fracture of the lumbar spine vertebrae ... Grissom: Anything not broken? Dr. Albert Robbins: No, the trauma's similar to some of the leapers I get in here: Out of state, out of cash and out the window. Grissom: Suicide by hotel. Dr. Albert Robbins: This was not a hotel. What you see here is the flattening and expansion of the body that could only be caused by the impact of a very steep fall. If I know anything, I know two unequivocal truths: Dasilva's head does not belong to this body. And the reason I know that is because the torso is not human. Grissom: What is it? Dr. Albert Robbins: I don't know. You're going to need an anthropologist. (GRISSOM looks at DR. ROBBINS and considers this.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (Cut to: A person puts their eye to the scope. With a focus on the person's eye, the camera pulls away backward inside the scope. Dissolve to: Change camera view of the two item pieces under the scope.) Greg Sanders: uh-hmm. (He looks through a second scope.) Greg Sanders: uh-hmm. (He looks to the open reference book, CRIMINALIST BUREAU-REFERENCE DATA, on the side and flips the page ... Filbert (Hazelnut) ... Brazil Nut ... Almond ... He keeps flipping the pages while NICK and SARA wait for him.) (NICK sighs.) (Finally, GREG straightens and looks at SARA and NICK.) Greg Sanders: Squirrels love 'em ... they get tossed at dodger stadium and they make a hell of a butter. Sara: You're nuts. You know that. Greg Sanders: Exactamundo. (He turns to the reference book and flips the page: Peanuts! He points to it.) Greg Sanders: Peanuts! Right scope's the shell left scope's the skin of the nut. Think "peanuts español." Nick: Peanuts on the gas pedal. You're kidding. Greg Sanders: Uh-uh. Sara: That's one of those funny clues. Could mean nothing or could mean everything. Nick: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VICTOR DA SILVA'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (The front door opens. BRASS pushes aside the plastic sheet to walk into the residence, but instead comes face to face with a stranger in the house.) Brass: Whoa. Who are you, pal? Trent Calloway: I'm Trent Calloway. Who are you? Brass: I'm Jim Brass. Homicide. This is Gil Grissom. Crime lab. Does a Victor DaSilva live here? Trent Calloway: Yeah, but he's out. Grissom: And you're in. Trent Calloway: Yeah. I'm painting the house. Brass: In the middle of the night? Back up, Slick. We got some bad news. (TRENT CALLOWAY backs up. BRASS and GRISSOM walk into the house.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VICTOR DASILVA'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (TRENT CALLOWAY wipes his hands with a rag.) Brass: So when was the last time you saw Victor DaSilva with his head attached? Trent Calloway: A day or two ago. (GRISSOM looks around and sees a painting resting against the wall under the plastic sheet.) Trent Calloway: This whole painting thing had him stressed out. (GRISSOM picks up the painting and reads it.) Grissom: "Picking up airheads just got easier." Trent Calloway: Yeah. He worked freelance mostly. He won a "bandy" award for that one. Brass: So he worked for an ad agency. What else did he do for a living? Trent Calloway: That's it, as far as I know. (GRISSOM puts the painting back down against the wall.) Brass: What about you? I mean, besides painting walls. Trent Calloway: I'm a bouncer at the french palace. I throw guys like you out. (BRASS chuckles.) Brass: Yeah. You know, you don't seem too shook up about DaSilva's death. Trent Calloway: We weren't that close. We had some mutual friends, he needed someone to help him with this place and, uh, I never turn down a job. (GRISSOM steps away and looks around.) Brass: Well, I hope you got paid in advance. (GRISSOM walks through the hallway. He pushes the plastic sheet aside and walks into the bedroom. He looks around the place. He shines the light on the open closet, puts down his kit and reaches to turn the closet light switch on.) (GRISSOM kneels down and picks up a pair of shoes. He looks at their soles. He examines another pair of shoes ... and another. He continues to examine the shoes when BRASS walks in holding a photo.) Brass: Found a picture of Victor DaSilva and, uh ... somebody. Grissom: What does that mean? Brass: Cut out. (BRASS shows the photo to GRISSOM who takes it and looks at it.) Grissom: So bizarre, human behavior. What you can't cut out of your mind you can always cut out of your photo album. Brass: Why are we in the closet? Grissom: I got a call from Greg Sanders, at our lab. He found peanut shells on the foot pedals of Victor DaSilva's car. Brass: Hmm. (GRISSOM stops as the pair of shoes in his hands has peanut shells stuck on the undersides.) Grissom: And voila. Brass: (yells) Mr. Calloway, would you mind coming in here, please? (GRISSOM stands up with the pair of shoes in his hands. TRENT CALLOWAY walks into the bedroom.) Grissom: Mr. Calloway ... is there a remote possibility that Victor DaSilva ever worked at a concession stand of some sort like at a ballpark or ... the secret garden of Siegfried and Roy in the elephants' habitat? Trent Calloway: I don't think it's Victor's style. This is ridiculous. Grissom: Well, not according to his size 11s. (TRENT doesn't say anything. GRISSOM looks at TRENT.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER -- NIGHT] (The door opens. The MAINTENANCE ENGINEER leads WARRICK through the backroom where the pipes are.) Maintenance Engineer: I'm Telling you ... the kids in here got nothing but time. You'd be surprised what they can come up with. Warrick: Nothing surprises me anymore. Maintenance Engineer: Yeah? Wait awhile. This is the main thoroughfare for all the toilets. All the goods come through here. (The MAINTENANCE ENGINEER puts his kit down and opens it.) Maintenance Engineer: You know, it's funny -- I wanted to be a surgeon. (He takes out a huge wrench.) Maintenance Engineer: Step back for Molly. (He uses the wrench and unscrews the pipe open. The pipe opens. WARRICK steps forward.) Warrick: Step back for Warrick. (WARRICK pushes up his jacket sleeve and leans in to look. He breathes out at the stench.) Warrick: Whew! (WARRICK sticks his hand in and up the pipe searching for whatever is blocking the flow.) (He finds it and pulls it out. Excess water flows out of the pipe. WARRICK exhales at the stench.) Warrick: Whew! (He looks at what he pulled out. It's underwear wrapped around what looks like a sharpened toothbrush with a razor in its handle. He looks at the weapon. He looks at the razor. Camera zooms in for a closeup.) (He sighs.) Warrick: Impressive. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM, SARA, NICK and DR. ROBBINS are in the autopsy room standing around the sheet-covered skinned body. TERI MILLER is also there. They remove the sheet to shower her the body.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Dr. Miller, this is outside my purview as a coroner. (She looks at the body and steps forward. In her hand is a small microcassette recorder that she speaks into as she visually examines the body.) Teri Miller: The specimen's pelvic girdle and spine ... are curved and upright suggesting the species may be quadrupedal. The left and right femur and humerus are derivative of the tarsius. (She steps back, shakes her head, turns off the recorder and sighs.) Teri Miller: I think I know what this is. Your preliminary evaluation is correct, Dr. Robbins. It's not human. It's a primate. More specifically, a gorilla. (This surprises SARA. Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - NIGHT] (SARA is sitting in the dark in the room looking at and listening to the computer information about gorillas.) Narrator: (on computer) Bushmeat hunters thrive on the murdering of gorillas for profit. In the United States their meat is considered a delicacy. It is said if the animal is ingested its great powers will be passed on to the consumer. (In the doorway, GRISSOM suddenly switches the lights on, a clipboard in his hand. SARA turns to look at him.) Grissom: What are you doing? (GRISSOM walks into the room.) Sara: Working the case. Grissom: What case? Sara: The skinned gorilla torso forty miles outside of Baker. Remember? Grissom: I don't think that is a case. Sara: Well, it was at the start of shift. A crime has been committed. (GRISSOM looks at the table next to SARA and sees a CD ROM disk about "Gorillas" along with a companion magazine, "GORILLA: In it's Natural Environment".) Grissom: I hate to be the one to state the obvious, but, uh ... this isn't a human being we're dealing with -- it's an animal. (SARA waits for him to continue.) Sara: And ... Grissom: And every time a dog gets run over you can't go to the vet to examine it. (SARA snorts, a smile on her face.) Sara: I can't believe you. You, with your pet tarantula your maggot farms, that komodo dragon on back order ... you should be more sympathetic to the senseless murder of an innocent gorilla. Grissom: (amused) You're right. I apologize. I was just checking to see where your head was at. For now, you're working alone. Catherine needed Nick. Sara: Bummer. (GRISSOM turns to head back toward the doorway.) Grissom: We got another dead body call. Sara: Wait. Is he missing a head? Grissom: Maybe. Meantime, you're on standby in case Nick needs backup. (SARA nods. GRISSOM turns the clipboard to show SARA the sheet that's on it.) Grissom: Your evaluation form. "Overall performance: Outstanding." "Ability to prioritize:" ... (GRISSOM turns and starts walking out the doorway. He throws over his shoulder ... ) Grissom: ... "Improvement needed." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway. CATHERINE glances at her pager.) Nick: You up for a riddle? Catherine: Sure. Why not? (She clips the pager to her waist.) Nick: Okay, repeat after me: Silk, silk, silk. Catherine: (puzzled) Silk, silk, silk. Nick: (smiling) What do cows drink? Catherine: Water. Why? (NICK'S smile fades.) Nick: (mutters) Never mind. (He shakes his head and continues to walk through the hallway next to CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG looks at the toothbrush in his hand. WARRICK stands next to him.) Greg Sanders: Who thought that a toothbrush could take a kid's life? Warrick: Yeah. Son of a bitch was crafty -- I'll give him that. Melted the end of the toothbrush to insert the razor blade. Greg Sanders: Then why the rubber band? (WARRICK takes the toothbrush and pushes the rubber band up against the razor so that it's hidden.) Warrick: Concealment. Greg Sanders: Oh, that's deep. Warrick: Yeah. Now all I got to do is put this shank in someone's hand. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COLLINS U-STORE IT - DAY] (Establishing. Camera holds on the large sign. It reads: COLLINS U-STORE-IT CHEAP, CONVENIENT, SECURE. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COLLINS U-STORE IT - HALLWAY - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and NICK walk through the hallway carrying their kits. The officers there light the way toward the unit with the body.) (As they turn the hallway, they notice bloodied prints on the ground.) Catherine: Hey ... here's something new. (CATHERINE and NICK stop at a bloodied print on the ground. CATHERINE puts her kit down.) Catherine: The cousin of footprints. Sock prints ... look. That's not from a shoe. Look at the fabric impressions. The guy ran out of here in his socks. Nick: (nods) Mm-hmm. Perp thought he could cover his tracks by taking off his shoes. Catherine: (looks at NICK) He thought wrong. (Cut to: CATHERINE and NICK duck under the crime scene tape and head for BRASS who starts filling them in on the details.) Brass: Manager spotted the blood during a night sweep. (NICK puts his kit down and walks in deeper into the unit.) Brass: Want to know who the shed reregistered to? Victor DaSilva. Catherine: Our head. (NICK looks at the body in the trunk.) Nick: Oh ... so this is the rest of his body? Brass: It ain't gorilla. (BRASS sighs, turns and leaves. CATHERINE and NICK watch for a moment, then turn back to the body in the trunk.) Catherine: Well, this amount of blood suggests that the victim was killed here. Why don't I do the one-to-ones and you start looking for the weapon? Nick: Yeah-- whatever punctures, whatever chops. (Cut to: CATHERINE snaps a photo. She takes out a small ruler from her kit and sets it down next to the sockprint. She snaps a couple more pictures.) (Cut to: NICK checks out the shelves in the unit looking for the murder weapon. The cabinet behind NICK is #253.) (Cut to: CATHERINE also looks at the shelves.) (Cut back to: NICK moves a painting aside.) (Cut to: CATHERINE continues to look at the shelves. NICK picks up an old shirt and finds a hammer inside. He examines the hammer. On the shelf, CATHERINE finds a small hatchet wrapped in a piece of cloth.) (NICK looks at the hammer in his hand.) Nick: Bob Villa. (CATHERINE looks at the blood on the hatchet.) Catherine: Paul Bunyan. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE reaches in to the evidence box and takes out the skull. GRISSOM is looking at the bloodied hammer.) Catherine: By the way, what about my evaluation? (GRISOSM stops looking at the bloodied hammer and looks at CATHERINE.) Grissom: Keep up the good work, Catherine. (CATHERINE doesn't say anything as she glances at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Are those molds dry yet? (CATHERINE removes the mold from the skull's jaw.) Catherine: They're tacky. (She compares the mold to the edge of the axe.) Catherine: Hmm, positive to positive. Grissom: That'll never hold up in court, though. We're going to need to make negative molds. (CATHERINE puts the ax aside and holds out her hand for the hammer.) Catherine: Tabling the ax. Hammer time. (She compares the hammer to the mold taken from the top of the skull's head. She glances at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Um ... pretty close. Grissom: All right, I fed the measurements from the claw end of the hammer. (GRISSOM hits a couple of keys on the computer keyboard. He holds the scanner end against the skull. He hits the keyboard and the models on the monitor of the skull and the hammer match. Still, GRISSOM'S not satisfied.) Grissom: Something doesn't seem right about this. Why would you use the claw end of the hammer to kill him and not the hammer end? (CATHERINE thinks about it.) Catherine: Wait a minute. Maybe it wasn't about hitting him in the head. Maybe it was about fitting him in the locker. (Quick flashback to: The murderer gathers the ends of the plastic around the head of the dead body and tries to close the trunk. The cover doesn't close. He pushes down hard on the cover, but it still won't fit.) (Cut to: The murderer unwraps the plastic from the head of the body. He pulls the head back over the edge of the trunk. He turns and grabs the hammer.) (Cut to: With the claw hooked into the skull and holding it steady with one hand, the murderer hacks at the neck with the ax. Blood spatters everywhere.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: (realizes) So the footlocker had no headroom. Catherine: (smiles) Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. DA SILVA'S HOUSE - DAY] (NICK cuts the red tape across the door to DaSilva's house. He opens the door and walks in, pushing aside the plastic sheets to enter the house. SARA follows behind him.) (NICK looks around the living room.) Sara: So, uh, Tricky Nick. What did you get on your evaluation? (She taps him on the back of his shoulder to get his attention.) Nick: It's private. (They walk deeper into the house.) Sara: Yeah, but how many "outstandings" did Grissom give you? Nick: Enough. (They walk into the bedroom.) Sara: What did he tell you to look for? (NICK puts his kit down in front of the closet and looks at SARA.) Nick: Grissom didn't tell me anything. (NICK opens the closet doors.) Nick: I put this together myself. (NICK kneels down on the closet floor in front of the line of shoes.) Nick: Give me some light here, will you, partner? Sara: Yeah. (SARA steps forward to help. NICK starts checking all the pairs of shoes.) Nick: All right, it's like this: Sock prints were found at the crime scene: Size 11. Shoes Grissom took from the closet here: Size 11. Dasilva's shoe size: Ten. So whose size 11's were they? Grissom missed something. (He doesn't find anything, hangs his head and sighs heavily. SARA continues to look at the closet.) (NICK raises his head and gives it another look. He checks a pair of shoes, then sees something caught inside the cuff of the pants hanging.) (He reaches over and picks it up. SARA moves the flashlight to give him more light. They both look at the peanut and nod at each other.) (They both stand up and take a look at the clothes the pants belong to. It's a yellow shirt with a patch over the left breast that reads: SPUR'S CORRAL.) Sara: "Spur's Corral." I know that place. They give you peanuts for starters instead of bread or chips and salsa. (NICK reaches for his phone.) Nick: I'm calling Grissom. Sara: Look, you obviously don't need my help. I-I got go put something to rest. See you later? (Using his teeth, NICK pulls out the phone's antennae. He starts dialing.) Nick: All right. Thanks. (SARA turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (DR. ROBBINS opens the morgue cabinet and pulls out the table with the sheet-covered body on it.) Dr. Albert Robbins: The body from the storage shed -- it's Victor DaSilva, all right. We ran his prints. Grissom: It's nice that he still had his hands. (He pulls the sheet aside.) Dr. Albert Robbins: I was wrong about the cause of death. Grissom: The hammer didn't do it? Dr. Albert Robbins: No. He was shot point-blank in the heart. (He points to the bullet hole.) Dr. Albert Robbins: .380. Imagine the human heart as an apple. (Quick CGI POV to: Camera on an red apple. A gunshot is heard and a high speed bullet appears from the left and pierces through the apple, ripping it to shreads.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Instant liquefaction. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: We found everything else in that shed. I don't know why we didn't find a gun. Grissom: Well, maybe he was shot somewhere else. Catherine: That would explain the plastic. (GRISSOM looks confused, then moves to stand in front of CATHERINE.) Grissom: What plastic? You never told me about any plastic. Catherine: I didn't? Oh. (CATHERINE turns and walks away. GRISSOM follows her.) Catherine: The victim was wrapped in a plastic sheet. Grissom: Victor DaSilva's entire house was covered in plastic. He was having it painted. Catherine: Really? Who's the painter? (She stops in front of the door.) Grissom: Nobody famous. (GRISSOM opens the door and they leave.) Catherine: Yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE and BRASS interview TRENT CALLOWAY. CATHERINE is putting on her latex gloves.) Brass: You had access to victor DaSilva's house? Trent Calloway: Yeah, I was painting it. Brass: You own a gun? I don't mean a paint gun. Trent Calloway: No. Catherine: Okay, let's get right to it. What's your shoe size? Trent Calloway: Why? Grissom: I have a shoe fetish. I love feet. Trent Calloway: It's 13. Brass: Take off your shoes and socks. We need to verify. (CATHERINE takes a sheet of print paper and puts it down on the ground while TRENT CALLOWAY takes off his shoes and socks.) (He sticks out his foot. CATHERINE uses a roller and applies the ink. She puts his foot down.) Catherine: Okay ... step on the paper. (TRENT CALLOWAY stands up and leaves his foot print behind. CATHERINE compares the print to the sock print.) Catherine: Two sizes too big. You can go. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SPUR'S CORRAL - DAY] (GRISSOM and BRASS are at SPUR'S CORRAL. Like a layer of carpet, peanut shells and skin remains litter the floor. GRISSOM stares at it as BRASS peels some peanuts. He tosses the shells and skins on the floor.) Grissom: I'd tell you not to step on the evidence, but, uh... Brass: Yeah, but what's the point? Pretty good gimmick they got here, though. You eat peanuts, toss the shells on the floor -- nobody gives a rat's ass. (BRASS tosses more peanut shells on the floor as they make their way toward the RESTAURANT MANAGER and to NICK who is already there interviewing him.) Nick: You sure you can't help me out? Restaurant Manager: No. Victor DaSilva never worked here. Nick: We found one of your uniforms in his closet. Any idea how it got there? Restaurant Manager: No. Nick: Guys ... look, boss, I'm sorry. I thought I was onto something here. I had a conflict in shoe sizes so I thought I'd play a hunch. Sara was right there. We were checking out the shoes ... (echo-y voice) ... and we found some peanuts in the cuff links and go up and Spurs Corral. (As NICK speaks, GRISSOM is distracted by the large wall display behind him. A large decorated sombrero hanging on the wall.) Brass: Incidental. Nick: I don't think so. (GRISSOM continues to stare at the display. It's something that he recognizes.) Nick: ...so that's why I buzzed you guys down. You got to follow your hunches, right? Grissom: Yeah, sure. Jim. Brass: Yeah. Grissom: You still got that picture that you took from DaSilva's house? (NICK seems confused by the leap in thinking.) Brass: Yeah. Yeah. Here it is. (BRASS reaches into his pocket and gives GRISSOM the picture.) (GRISSOM looks at the picture. It's the same sombrero.) Nick: What? You're looking at the sombrero? (GRISSOM stares at the torn edge of the photo.) Grissom: The earrings. Victor DaSilva was here with someone he cut out of his life. Brass: Probably his girlfriend. (GRISSOM calls out to the RESTAURANT MANAGER.) Grissom: Excuse me. You recognize this ear? (The RESTAURANT MANAGER looks at GRISSOM.) Restaurant Manager: You got to be kidding me. (He takes a look at the picture and is surprised that he actually does recognize it.) Wait a minute. Yeah, I do. I do recognize those earrings. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [CAMERA CLOSE UP OF THE EAR WITH THE EARRINGS] Brass: Fred Applewhite? (The camera pulls back a little to show FRED APPLEWHITE, a waiter at the SPUR'S CORRAL. He turns around and looks at GRISSOM, BRASS and NICK. He smiles pleasantly, a couple of menus tucked under his arm.) Fred Applewhite: Y'all here for lunch? Grissom: No. Takeout. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (SARA approaches TERI MILLER as she works on the gorilla body.) Sara: I heard you were disassembling the gorilla. Teri Miller: For purposes of disease control. Per the CDC, I have to take samples and dispose of this animal immediately. Sara: Well, I've been trying to find out who did this to her and, um, I have some questions. (TERI continues to work.) Teri Miller: You ask, I'll answer. Sara: Why did they amputate the gorilla's head? Teri Miller: It's a trophy. American fetishists would pay up to $10,000 for the head of a lowland gorilla. Sara: The hands and feet? Teri Miller: Novelty items. Sold as ashtrays. Sara: Here Nick and I were thinking it was to avoid I.D. Why skin it? Teri Miller: Purses, shoes, boots ... It's sad. Genetically we're 92.7% identical with gorillas. Sara: It's hard to tell where the human ends and the animal begins. Teri Miller: Well said. Sara: I checked out a couple of websites ... bushmeat[dot]net, gorilla[dot]org. I think she was killed probably in Cameroon or Congo transported to the port of Los Angeles. Dismembered, packaged ... loaded onto a small plane ... where they dumped what they couldn't sell but, uh, I just have to find the plane. Teri Miller: Needle in a haystack. Chances are, whoever did this are halfway around the world by now. Sara: There has to be something I can do. Teri Miller: Actually, there is. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DESERT -- DAY] (SARA sits cross-legged on the ground, a small shovel in her grip. She digs a hole in front of her. When she gets it big enough, she puts the shovel aside and takes a gold-colored container and opens it. She pours the ashes into the hole in front of her.) (When the container is empty, she uses her bare hands and fills the hole with dirt.) Sara: For every one that parts, one stands aboveground. (SARA sits quiet and alone in front of the make-shift grave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (NICK inks FRED APPLEWHITE'S feet with the inked roller. When he's done, he stands up.) Nick: Okay, Mr. Applewhite ... take a walk. (FRED APPLEWHITE stands up and walks along the stretch of white paper spread out on the garage floor. As he walks, CATHERINE and NICK look through the sock print photos from the crime scene.) (He reaches the end, turns around, and walks back to the stool.) Catherine: Okay, great. Now, Mr. Applewhite ... this time, I want you to do something different. (CATHERINE kneels down and pushes a fresh roll of paper along the floor. FRED APPLEWHITE moves to the second sheet of paper.) Catherine: This time ... run. (FRED APPLEWHITE steps onto the fresh paper and runs across it.) (Quick flash to a bottom view of the floor as if someone where walking in blood on glass. The socked feet leaves red impressions behind.) Grissom: (V.O.) Footprints are almost as reliable (End of flash. Resume to present.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (GRISSOM explains the print analysis to FRED APPLEWHITE.) Grissom: ... as fingerprints and every step tells a story. The first few steps, you were walking. (GRISSOM points to the foot prints on the paper spread across the table.) Grissom: See the complete heel, arch and five little piggies? The next few steps, however ... (GRISSOM, NICK and CATHERINE pushes the paper closer toward them so that he can see the prints they're looking at.) Grissom: ... the heel disappears. All of the pressure is put on ball of the foot and toes. Why? Because you were running. And my guess is that, on the day you had a head in your hand. Nick: You see, everyone's foot makes a unique well impression. Check it out. (NICK puts the sock print photos on the table in front of them.) Nick: The, uh width ... ball of the foot ... instep ... arch ... and, uh ... (NICK throws another photo on the table. This one is of the complete foot.) Nick: ... size 11 for dessert. Grissom: Mr. Applewhite your footprints ... place you at the crime scene. Fred Applewhite: Victor and I were partners. We shared everything including in our house and the storage shed. Brass: We know that. When did you move out? Fred Applewhite: Three months ago. He found somebody else ... kicked me out. Brass: And you took all your possessions with you? Fred Applewhite: Not everything. Brass: So, you were hoping for a reconciliation. Fred Applewhite: Yeah. I thought, once Victor got this new guy out of his system he'd come around. Grissom: But he didn't, did he? That's why you went to his house last night. Fred Applewhite: Who said I went there? Grissom: The plastic. (GRISSOM holds up a sample.) Grissom: You know ... the plastic that you lay down when you paint a house. The kind of plastic that you, uh ... (GRISSOM holds up a photo of the body in the plastic in the trunk.) Grissom: ... wrap a dead body in. The plastic that we found your fingerprints on. Brass: Let me tell you what I think happened. (Quick flashback to: [INT. VICTOR DASILVA'S RESIDENCE] Victor waves at the possessions in the house.) Victor Dasilva: Take what you want. I don't care. I've moved on. (FRED turns and walks up to VICTOR. He's upset that VICTOR doesn't care more.) Fred Applewhite: What do you think you're going to do, just paint me out of your life? Victor Dasilva: Just take what you want and get out. Fred Applewhite: I'll tell you what I want. (FRED tapes a couple of steps away, he turns around with a gun in his hand, and fires.) (Cut to: FRED is wrapping VICTOR'S dead body in the plastic sheets. He rolls the body till he's completely covered.) (Cut to: FRED has the body in a trunk and tries to close the trunk lid. It won't shut.) (Cut to: FRED unwraps the plastic from the head. Grabbing a handful of hair, he pulls the head back over the edge of the trunk.) (Cut to: FRED slams the trunk lid shut. He looks down and sees the blood on the floor. He reaches down and takes his shoes off.) (Cut to: With the head under his arm and the shoes in his other hand, FRED runs out of the storage unit hallway.) (Cut to: [EXT. U-STORE-IT PARKING LOT - NIGHT] FRED drives the car into the parking lot. He parks the car. He forgot something.) Fred Applewhite: Damn it! God! (FRED runs out and back toward the Storage Unit.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: So, what did you forget? Fred Applewhite: You wouldn't believe it, but I forgot to lock the shed. Brass: And when you came back out your car was gone. Fred Applewhite: Yeah. (shakes his head) I don't know who took it. Grissom: We do. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT] ANNA LEAH and LORI quickly escape out of the back of the parked van. Anna Leah: Wait, Lori! (They walk through the parking lot looking desperately for a way to get away. ANNA LEAH sees the car.) (Cut to: LORI follows ANNA LEAH to the car. They get into the car. They drive off.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (BRASS escorts FRED APPLEWHITE out of the lab. GRISSOM mumbles to NICK while NICK picks up the photos from the table.) Grissom: You know that reminds me -- I got to remember to take Greg Sanders to lunch. He did a nice job sniffing out those peanuts. (NICK smiles as GRISSOM leaves.) Nick: (nods) Yeah, he did. (NICK smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (SGT. O'RILEY and RONNIE CONNORS wait in the room. WARRICK walks in carrying some papers.) O'Riley: We were waiting for you. Meet Ronnie Connors. (WARRICK looks around and doesn't see anyone else in the room when he clearly expected to see his lawyer.) Warrick: Where's his attorney? Ronnie Connors: (with attitude) What you talking to him about my business? Ask me. (SGT. O'RILEY doesn't say anything. He stands up and puts a hand on WARRICK'S shoulder. He goes to stand in front of the door.) Warrick: Where's your lawyer? Ronnie Connors: (to O'RILEY) Ask him. (WARRICK doesn't say anything. He takes a seat at the table opposite RONNIE CONNORS.) Warrick: How's your plaque? Ronnie Connors: My what? Warrick: Your teeth. I mean, how many toothbrushes does a guy need? (RONNIE CONNORS doesn't say anything.) Warrick: Apparently, for you it's as many as it takes to make the perfect shank. Ronnie Connors: Let me tell you something, Breeze. I'm L.A. County/Slauson payback crip, cuz. I got a lot of offspring up in here -- black as night. They answer to me because I'm the macaroni. I mean, seriously ... you have any idea who you talking to? Warrick: Yeah. (Quick flashback to: Camera close up of an inmate holding the shank in his hand. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (WARRICK keeps his eye contact on RONNIE CONNORS without backing down. RONNIE CONNORS is the first to avert his eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER - DAY] (WARRICK is in the room filling JAMES MOORE in on his investigation.) James Moore: So I don't have to testify? Warrick: (shakes his head) The evidence will testify for you. Ronnie Connors ... bought a toothbrush and some rubber bands at the commissary. He didn't know it but that's the last shank he'll ever make. James Moore: How'd you know it was RC's? Warrick: Before he made the shank he shaved with the same razor. His DNA was all over the blade. James Moore: Oh, god. (JAMES realizes that he's really off of the hook. His eyes start to tear with relief and with gratitude.) James Moore: I owe you, man. Warrick: It's not me you have to thank. (WARRICK looks just beyond JAMES. JAMES quickly turns around to see who WARRICK'S looking at. Standing behind him is his grandfather.) (It's been a while since he's seen him. JAMES stands up and goes to meet him.) (Without saying a word, CHARLES MOORE grabs JAMES in a solid hug.) James Moore: (whispers) I love you, grandpa. (WARRICK stands up and turns to leave the room.) Charles Moore: You're all I got, James. You're everything to me, you hear? (JAMES nods.) (WARRICK turns to the door and leaves the room.) (The camera slowly pulls back on CHARLES and JAMES.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROLLER COASTER - TOP OF THE CASINO/HOTEL - NIGHT] (The riders are getting settled in their coaster seats. GRISSOM is already settled in when he reaches up and pulls WARRICK into the seat next to him. WARRICK looks scrunched up and confused.) Warrick: I thought you said we were grabbing a beer. Grissom: (excited) We are, after this. Warrick: (ready to bag) Grissom, you know, this is your thing. (WARRICK grabs the rail to get out of the coaster when GRISSOM stops him. He pulls him back down into the seat.) Grissom: Ah-ah-ah. Every nine years and 34 days I feel like sharing. You'll like it. It cleanses you. (GRISSOM reaches up and pulls the harness down on WARRICK, trapping him in the seat, and securing it shut.) Warrick: Cleanses me? (GRISSOM pulls down his harness.) Warrick: Whatever happened to my evaluation? (beat) Grissom: You're sitting in it. (And the ride starts. WARRICK'S eyes snap to attention in front of him as the coaster takes off.) (Various cuts of WARRICK and GRISSOM and of the coaster ride.) Warrick: (yells) Oh, yes!

Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who has to evaluate his team? A: Catherine; Q: Who does Grissom work with to deal with a severed head? A: the desert; Q: Where did Sara and Nick find a headless body? A: Warrick; Q: Who investigates a murder in a juvenile detention center? A: a murder; Q: What does Warrick investigate? A: James; Q: Who is the only witness in the murder case Warrick is investigating? Summary: On the day Grissom has to evaluate his team, Grissom and Catherine deal with a severed head that was found in the trunk of a stolen car. Sara and Nick investigate a headless body in the desert that appears to have fallen from the sky. Warrick investigates a murder in a juvenile detention center in which his young friend James is the only witness.

Classroom Chris: So, uh, English. You read the chapter? Emma: Chapter two right? Chris: Yeah Mr. Armstrong: Okay everybody take your seats please, let's get started. Amy: Sounds like a good idea. Mr. Armstrong: Okay, I need a volunteer to come up and expand these brackets and collect like terms. Anyone? Emma? (Emma walks to the front board.) Emma: Okay, the answer to this problem is 8 x squared plus... (Sean slides Amy's chair over towards him, and they start to kiss.) Mr. Armstrong: Sean, Amy, do you two need some privacy? Are we in your way here? Thank you Emma. (Emma walks back to her seat while glaring at Sean.) Mr. Armstrong: Alright class, let's concentrate on our work. Theme song Emma's kitchen Spike: Em, look at Snake's birthday gift. Emma: You got him a new laptop? Spike: A new used one, to replace the alien ware he lost. Emma: Do you want me to restore his backups? Spike: Do you have time? I want to give it to him before his birthday party. (Emma starts working on the laptop.) Spike: Are you gonna invite Chris to come? Emma: Mom, he just broke u with Melanda, and I don't wanna be his rebound (A picture of Sean and Emma come up on the computer screen.) Spike: Are you sure there's nothing else is holding you back? Emma: Sean. Ancient history. Jurassic. And like the dinosaurs, he's now extinct. School hallyway JT: Did you see Amy and Sean in math? It was Classic. And awful and mean and horrible. I hate Sean Emma: Thanks JT, but you don't need to hate Sean. I am over him totally. Toby: Even though he carries on with Amy like you never existed? Emma: Yes. JT: Even despite all the rumors? Emma: What rumors? Toby: That Sean's gang is stealing stuff from school left and right? Emma: (something) for him. What's that have to do with me? JT: Well, Sean breaks up with you, Simpson's laptop goes missing. Emma: Sean's done a lot of stuff. And at first, I even thought he might of. But no, that's just too evil. Classroom Jimmy: You know you're not gonna learn to parallel park by reading that book ten more times. Hazel: Get behind the wheel this afternoon. I am so freaked. I am gonna be a disaster on the road. Spinner: Okay, One foot on the break, two mirror check, three- (Paige tickles Spinner.) Spinner: Stop, don't. Paige: Um, okay, now is the part where you're supposed to tickle me back and then we laugh etc. Spinner: Yeah, but I'm freaky out. Okay? I've been studying the book, and I'm lost, totally clueless. Paige: Hun... Spinner: And our driver instructor, Ms. Ganzulous, aka Satan, she didn't even let Sully take the test. Paige: So? Sully's a known dork. Spinner: Yeah, but what if Ganzulous holds me back and you guys get your licenses? Jimmy: Then uh, me and Paige will drive you around. Paige: Everything will be fine honeybee. Just take a page from the book of Paige and try a lower gear. Okay? Classroom Emma: Okay, so I was thinking we could start the meeting with this documentary on pollution in the Great Lakes. Ashley: Sounds good. Let's DV tan... Uh, where's the DVD player? Emma: What? Oh it's just right th... (Emma sees Sean and Jay in the hallway.) Emma: I'll be right back. (Emma walks out into the hallway.) Emma: Have any of you guys seen the resource center's DVD player? Jay: Is that a question or an accusation? Emma: It's a question. What about you Sean? Do you know where it is? Sean: No. How could you even ask me that? (Sean, Jay and them walk away, and Chris comes up.) Chris: What's wrong? Emma: I was just trying to remember what it was I liked about him. Chris: Him? Don't bother. Slim Shady ain't worth remembering. So, wanna go get a milkshake or something? Emma: You mean like.. Chris: Go on a date? Yeah. So after your meeting? Please? (Emma nods her head.) Chris: Cool... yes! Outside Spinner: Sorry, I'm just I'm nervous. Jimmy: It's okay, my cousin Marry, was so nervous her first time driving, that she uh, she ran over her mother. Twice. Spinner: Shut up. (Car pulls up.) Spinner: Hey! No Ganzalous! Mr. Falcone: G'afternoon guys. We had two full classes, so you're stuck with me for the in car. I'm Mr. Falcone Paige: Paige, Michalchuk. And, might I say, how good it is, to have driver lessons, with you. Mr. Falcone: Well I'm glad to hear that. Why don't you start us off Paige? Paige: Okay. Spinner: Uh, you okay honeybee? You seem a little nervous. Paige: Me? Nervous? As if. (They get into the car.) Mr. Falcone: Before putting the car into drive, make sure your passengers are seated wearing their seatbelts. Doors should be securely closed. Paige: Okay, um mirror check, seatbelt. Drivers and passengers, um Mr. Falcone: Assume the proper position on the steering wheel...Woah woah. Press accelerator button. Paige: Sorry. Mr. Falcone: It's okay, but if it was a test, you would have already failed. The DOT Emma: Finished already? Chris: Mmhmm. So what are you drinking? Strawberry? You know I never really had strawberry shakes around here and... Emma: Oh really? Chris: Yeah, so why don't you slide yours on over? Emma: I don't think so. (Sean, Jay and them walk in.) Chris: You wanna go? Emma: No, Sean's not gonna ruin this. Chris: Cool. So tell me more about that petition you're collecting. Emma: Well, a lot of city sewers run into the lakes, so our beaches... (Emma sees Jay stuffing chocolate bars into his pockets.) Emma: Just look at them, they think they can take whatever they want. (Emma stands up and starts to walk towards them.) Chris: Em... Sean: Go away, Emma. Emma: Are you going to tell the manager what you've got in your jacket? Manager: And what would that be? Outside Emma: So, what do you do when you're not spinning? Chris: Um, well I read, listen to music. Emma: Um, there's this birthday party tomorrow for Snake, and I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come. Be my date? Chris: Sure, that would be cool. (Jay's car pulls up, and Sean and Jay get out of the car.) Jay: Why are you always getting into other people's business?! Emma: you were taking... Jay: Just a few chocolate bars! Big deal. Look we're band for life! Chris: Then go eat somewhere else. Sean: Come on Jay. Jay: If these guys wanna ruin my fun, I'll start ruining theirs. Emma: And what is your idea of fun Jay? Stealing the school's DVD player? Jay: Loads. But stealing a laptop, way better. Sean: Jay. Jay: What's she gonna do? If she's smart, she'll shut up for once. Emma's house Snake: What are you doing up? Emma: Couldn't sleep much. Jack wakes you? Snake: No, Jack's a good sleeper. Me since chemo, not so good. (Laptop crashes.) Snake: Oh please, not again. Emma: What a piece of junk. Snake: Hey, it was the best your mom could afford, and I'm touched. All it needs is a little fine tuning, I'll upgrade the ram. Emma: She shouldn't have had to buy you a new one in the first place. Snake: Well if I hadn't of lost my last one. Emma: You didn't lose it. Snake: And what does that mean? Emma: Nothing I don't mean anything, I'm just tired. I'm gonna go have a shower, okay? Snake: Okay. School Chris: Emma, I got the coolest CD for Simpson's birthday. Emma: We need to get that laptop. Chris: Well good luck, they sold it the day they stole it. Emma: So what are we supposed to do? Chris: Tell Mr. Raditch? Emma: That Jay sorta, kinda confessed? We need poof. We need to get Sean. [SCENE_BREAK] Classroom Spinner: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you driving legend, Paige Michalchuk. Jimmy: She's killed more orange pawns then anybody in Degrassi history. Spinner: You murderer! You squished my pylon mommy! You flattened my pylon brother! Paige: Spin! Stop it. Hazel: Word has it your driving instructor is quite the looker. Paige: Really? I hadn't noticed. Hazel: That's why you got nervous, you've got the hots for him. Paige: Hazel, some of us are trying to get and education okay? Hallway (A picture of Sean and Emma falls out of Emma's locker, and she crumbles it up, and starts to follow Sean.) Sean: Nancy Drew. Why you following me? Emma: I wasn't. (Sean flips open the box he was carrying.) Sean: They're for shop. What? Did you think there was going to be a DVD player in there? Look, I know our break up sucked, and I'm sorry you got hurt. Okay, but that was months ago. And what I do with Jay and with Amy, it's none of your business. Outside Spinner: Oh, Jimmy, put on your crash helmet. Paige: So I blew my first lesson with Falcone, it could've happened to anyone. Jimmy: Ah, but it didn't, it happened to you. Hazel: Please, she wouldn't have had any trouble with Guanzalous. Spinner: What are you talking about? Falcone is a great instructor. I liked him. Hazel: You're not the only one. Paige: Hazel. Spinner: What's going on? Jimmy: I get it! Falcone's hot right? Spinner: Okay Marco. Jimmy: I'm not the one who thinks so, your girlfriend is. Spinner: Wait, you have a crush on Falcone? Paige: No, wait. Honeybee. MI lab JT: Hey Chris: What's up? JT: So, how are things going with Emma? Chris: Sean really messed her up good didn't he? JT: Yeah, I wouldn't wanna be her next boyfriend, no offense. Rebounds suck. (Emma comes in.) Emma: Chris, we need to do something. Chris: Emma, I told you, the computer is long gone. Emma: I know, but the DVD player isn't. Okay, I was thinking, if we can get Raditch to search Jay's car, who knows what he could find. Chris: If I help, you'll let this go? Emma: I promise. Raditch's office Raditch: I want to catch whose ever responsible. If you know anything. All tips are anonymous. Can you back up your charges? Chris: Well, Mr.Radicth... Emma: Of course we can. Mr. Raditch: Okay, the DVD player, when did you see the crime take place? Chris: Sir, we didn't exactly... Emma: Um, yesterday, around 4 O'clock. Chris and I saw Sean Cameron and Jay Hogart loading some equipment into Jay's Civic. (Raditch picks up the phone.) Mr. Raditch: Ms. Smith, could you put a call into Sergeant Graham please? Thank you. Car Falcone: There's a stop sign up ahead... Spinner: Yeah, I see it, okay? Falcone: Okay, and you're just gonna make a left here. Spinner: Yeah, I know what I'm doing. You, you think you're so good. Paige: Spin, stop. Falcone: Paige, no distracting Gavin, you did extremely well today, but Gavin really needs to improve. Spinner: Extremely well huh? What's the word? Oh, favoritism! Falcone: Gavin. Spinner: teacher's pet! Falcone: Gavin watch it! Paige: For the innocent family? Spinner: She's, she's my girlfriend dude! Falcone: Gavin watch the- (Spinner runs into another car.) Falcone: The car. Front of school, police searching Jay's car Jay: Let me guess, nothing in there? Mr. Radicth: Keep looking officers. (Emma comes down the front steps and Sean walks over to her.) Sean: The anonymous tip, it was you. You know I'm on probation. Mr.Raditch: Something you want to say Mr. Cameron? Sean: Yeah, go to Hell! Mr.Raditch: I'll see you in detention every Saturday for the next two months. (Sean spits at Emma's foot.) Chris' locker Emma: Chris! Where have you been? Did you hear the news? Chris: They found nothing in Jay's car. Emma: I mean about Sean! Two months of Saturday detention for mouthing off to Raditch! Chris: So, what about Simpson's computer? Emma: What about it? Chris: I though that's why you did all this? Emma: It was, but now Sean's finally gonna pay for what he did to me. Or Snake, what he did to Snake. Chris: You lied to Raditch. Emma: So? Everyone knows he's been stealing. Sean's finally getting what he deserves. Chris: No he isn't. Just face it Em, you're not over him. Emma: Chris? Chris: And I'm just wasting my time. Snake's party (Spike's carrying out the cake.) Spike: Here we go. Snake: Wow, that's awesome. Spike: Happy birthday, make a wish... Oh, I forgot a knife, I'll be right back. Snake: So rumor has it, your new bo is coming by this evening. Emma: Uh, he can't make it. He's busy hating my guts right now. Totally my fault. I went psycho. Snake: I don't know what happened with you and Chris, but if he's worth his salt, he'll cut you some slack. The DOT Spinner: I'm working, okay? And every dollar I make for the next ten years goes right to fixing that stupid car. Paige: So, pretend I'm a customer. I'll have a club house sandwich with a side order of- Spinner: Falcone? Anyway, I can't take your order. I'm just dish peg (is that what they call it?) remember? Paige: But you're my dish peg. My insanely jealous dish peg. Spinner: I'm only jealous because I care. Paige: I know honey, You practically destroyed a car for me. Spinner: So, I guess you won't be mad when you find out I switched us back to Guanzalous? Paige: No, although I will miss those dimples, and that chiseled jaw. I'm kidding, I'm totally kidding. Mall Emma: I love that one, track three. Chris: Em. Emma: I was hoping you'd be here. Lucky. I like it better when you smile, and I think you have great tastes in hats, and even better taste in music. And I love it that you make me feel fun again. That you should give me another chance. Chris: You do? Emma: I promise never to talk about Sean again. Chris: Yeah? Emma: Okay, once more, only to say I only did what I did because he broke my heart. Chris: Is it feeling any better? Emma: It might, if you'd come over for some birthday cake. Chris: That'd be nice.

Plan: A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is approaching? A: interest; Q: What is Craig losing in Ashley? A: Manny; Q: Who does Craig cheat on Ashley with? A: a comfort; Q: What does Manny become for Craig? A: Sydney's jealousy; Q: What comes out when Joey spends time with Caitlin? A: a lot; Q: How much time does Joey spend with Caitlin? A: Caitlin; Q: Who begins to develop feelings for Joey? Summary: With Christmas rapidly approaching, Craig finds himself slowly losing interest in Ashley while continuing to cheat on her with Manny, who soon has become a comfort for him. Craig doesn't know whom he wants to be with more and continues to see them both behind each other's back, while also accepting the risk of losing both of them. Meanwhile, Joey and Sydney find themselves getting increasingly serious, but Sydney's jealousy comes out when Joey begins spending a lot of time with Caitlin, who begins to develop feelings for him.

•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously... Buffy and Spike up against the wall in "Smashed." SPIKE: You never had it so good as me. Buffy and Spike in the wrecked building BUFFY: If you tell anyone about last night, I will kill you. Buffy and Willow in the arcade in "Gone" BUFFY: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass? WARREN: We're your arch-nemesises ... ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... JONATHAN: Maybe not! Jonathan throwing down the smoke-bomb. The Geek Trio escaping. Willow de-ratting Amy. BUFFY: Amy? How've you been? AMY: Rat. You? BUFFY: Dead. AMY: Oh. WILLOW: It's nice, having another magically-inclined friend around. Willow and Amy on the Bronze balcony in "Smashed" AMY: It's way too early to go home yet. Willow and Amy walking down the street. AMY: So what do you wanna do? I have a better idea. WILLOW: Is it dangerous? Willow and Dawn in Rack's place. WILLOW: Let's get outta here. Dawn in the car screaming. The car crashing. Spike and Buffy leading Dawn away. WILLOW: Dawnie, I'm sorry, I'm so- Dawn slapping Willow. BUFFY: You could have killed her. WILLOW: I need help! Willow and Buffy in the bedroom. WILLOW: No more spells. I'm finished. The Scooby gang in the kitchen. WILLOW: There's some money stuff we're gonna have to talk to you about. BUFFY: So you're telling me I'm broke? GILES: How bad is it? BUFFY: Anya says pretty bad. GILES: Buffy ... some discussion, about, um ... wha-what you're going to do now. BUFFY: Oh. I've been giving that a lot of thought actually. And I think I've figured it out. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the Summers house, day. Cut to the living room. Xander walks in from the kitchen, carrying a bowl of popcorn. XANDER: Now I get Warren being the supervillainy type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I never even heard of this other guy. Xander sits on the sofa beside Anya, puts the popcorn on the coffee table. Willow is sitting in a chair opposite the sofa. WILLOW: You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat. ANYA: Well, if we know where they are, shouldn't we do something? WILLOW: We tried. Buffy was gonna go in there and bust them on the spot. XANDER: I'm sensing a 'not so completely.' WILLOW: Yeah, well, she went in, and then- ANYA: Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's gonna be late for her first day. WILLOW: Hey, respect the narrative flow much? ANYA: Please continue the story of failure. WILLOW: So, Buffy went in, but they'd cleared out. And she brought back the stuff that they left... (Xander listening, eating popcorn) ... spell books, some parchments, (smiling) a couple of rare things, charmed objects, and a conjurer's harp... Willow trails off, looking a little wistful. Xander and Anya look at her with concern. WILLOW: (snaps out of it) A-and they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on "Enterprise." XANDER: Ooh! (chuckles, rubs his hands together, then sees Anya's expression) I mean ... nerds. ANYA: Okay. See, this is why demons are better than people. WILLOW: Interesting turn. ANYA: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately. XANDER: Welcome to today's episode of 'Go Money Go!' I hear it daily. WILLOW: Yep, for the rest of your life. Xander looks dismayed, continues to contemplate that as Anya continues talking. ANYA: But supervillains ... want reward without labor, to make things come easy. (lecturing) It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. (Shot of Willow listening intently) The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America. BUFFY: (OS) Good to know. The others look over. Reveal Buffy standing in the doorway, wearing red pants, a red-and-white striped shirt, and a hat with a stuffed animal head on top. BUFFY: I was kinda feelin' like a tool. The others stare. BUFFY: And now I know why. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Elizabeth Anne Allen, Pat Crawford Brown, Brent Hinkley, Kirsten Nelson, and Kali Rocha. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by Nick Marck. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on a 1950s-style commercial. Sepia-toned picture of the exterior of a fast-food restaurant with cars driving past. NARRATOR: You've seen us in your city or small town across the American West... Picture of the interior of the restaurant with booths and hanging plants. NARRATOR: ...you've ordered our delicious food... Sepia picture of a smiling man in a white shirt and black bowtie, giving a thumbs-up. NARRATOR: ...from our happy employees! Reveal Buffy sitting in a small room watching this on a television. She wears a small blue pin reading "Buffy Summers, trainee." NARRATOR: But now you're seeing it all from a different way, you're seeing it from behind the counter! Picture of a smiling woman ordering food from a smiling employee. This picture starts off sepia-toned and then fades to natural color. NARRATOR: ...because you've just become part of the DoubleMeat experience! Shot of a geeky teenage boy in the red-and-white striped uniform, holding a tray covered with paper-wrapped burgers. BOY: I'm part of it! Shot of a young woman wearing the uniform, holding a tray. WOMAN: I'm part of it! Shot of an older man wearing the uniform. MAN: I'm a part of it too! Star-cut to a shot of a farm. A picture of a cow appears in front of it. NARRATOR: This cow... (cow moos) and this chicken... (chicken appears beside the cow, and squawks) ...don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well! So what happens when a cow and a chicken come together? The pictures of the cow and the chicken swirl together and become a sandwich. NARRATOR: Why, that's a DoubleMeat Medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats. Close shot of a row of cows' rear ends. Cut to shot of Buffy watching. Sounds of frantic mooing and squawking, as well as thumping noises. Buffy makes a disgusted face. BUFFY: Holy crap! Fade to later. The video is still going. Now it shows a man in the uniform washing his hands. NARRATOR: ...washing your hands thoroughly after each visit to the restroom. The man takes a paper towel to dry his hands. Zoom in on the paper-towel dispenser bearing the words, "NOTICE: Employees must wash hands with soap before returning to work." NARRATOR: Follow these rules and you'll be a happy part of the DoubleMeat family for a long time! The picture changes to the DoubleMeat Palace logo, which is a creature that looks like a cross between a cow and a chicken. Buffy stares at the screen, looking dismayed. Behind her, a man in the red-striped uniform goes over to the wall and turns on the light. He turns to Buffy. He wears thick glasses with ugly black frames. He is Manny The Manager and this is his office. MANNY: Interesting, isn't it? BUFFY: (fake smile) Oh yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if, (Manny turning off the TV) if Meg and Tom were, like, minced. Buffy smiles at Manny. He is completely humorless. MANNY: I'm Manny the manager. It's not a joke, it's just my name. BUFFY: Right. Y-you mentioned that a couple of times when I filled out the application. MANNY: Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman, and there are a lot of other jobs. BUFFY: Well, I-I kinda need money pretty quickly, like, today, and, and so I didn't want to go through a lengthy interview process, and I figured this was probably the fastest... way... to... She pauses as she catches sight of Manny's stern face. BUFFY: Be...cause I ... wanted to be part of the DoubleMeat experience? Manny smiles and nods. MANNY: Come on, let's take a tour. Cut to the adjoining employee lounge. Manny leads Buffy over to a table where two men sit staring at nothing. A row of lockers is in the background. MANNY: Philip, Timothy, this is Buffy. She's going to work the counter. BUFFY: Hi. PHILIP: (to Manny) What happened to the other one? Catherine? MANNY: Emily? PHILIP: Yeah. TIMOTHY: She's gone. Weird horror-movie shot of Timothy from above, with Buffy in the background. Timothy continues staring blankly in front of him. BUFFY: What happened? TIMOTHY: Whatever always happens. Manny opens a locker labeled "Vacant." It's full of clothing. MANNY: (turns) You can use this one. BUFFY: Uh ... there's, there's someone's stuff in there. MANNY: They must have left it. You can toss it, or keep what you want. BUFFY: Sure they're not coming back? MANNY: We have a lot of turnover here. Manny starts to walk away as Buffy follows. He pauses, points at Philip and Timothy who are still staring vacantly. MANNY: Watch these two. (continues walking) BUFFY: (follows) Are they gonna do something? MANNY: They're solid. Follow their example and you won't go wrong. He stops walking next to a wall. MANNY: They're lifers. BUFFY: Lifers? MANNY: In it for life. Like me. You wanna get something out of this, Buffy? You'll do the same. You put the work in, and ten years from now, you'll be where I am. He points at his chest. Close shot on a round blue button pinned to his shirt with "10 Years" on it. MANNY: I promise you. Buffy doesn't look excited by the idea. Manny turns to the wall where a time clock is mounted next to a rack full of cards. He removes a card and inserts it into the clock, then removes it and hands it to Buffy. MANNY: Congratulations. You're on the clock. Buffy looks at her time-card, still not thrilled. Cut to the kitchen. Various employees wearing the red-and-white striped uniform are moving around preparing food. Manny and Buffy enter. MANNY: This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the DoubleMeat Palace. Buffy looks around, spots a young woman using a Hobart to slice some sort of meat. The round slices fall into the hopper below. The woman stares vacantly ahead of her. Buffy walks closer. BUFFY: Wow. They're all so ... identical. MANNY: Yeah. They all start to look the same to me too. BUFFY: Oh, no, not the employees, the, the chicken slices. Zoom in slowly on the bottom of the Hobart as the chicken slices continue to fall out, one by one. Zoom in slowly on Buffy's face as she stares at it, mesmerized. Zoom in closer on the chicken slices. Buffy snaps out of it as we hear a man's voice in the background. MAN: Uh yeah, Medley meal number 2, uh, double-size it... MANNY: (pointing) Drive-through station's over there. High pressure job, you won't need to go in there. (pointing around) Over there's the grills, the fryers, the walk-in freezer... Buffy looks in the direction he indicated the freezer. She begins to walk that way. MANNY: (alarmed) You don't need to go in there either! (follows her) Buffy goes over to a filing cabinet. On top of it is a large plastic jug marked "Dehydrated Pickles." MANNY: That's the dehydrated pickle storage. (Buffy trying to open the filing cabinet) Those are locked! Buffy looks at him. MANNY: Now I want to show you this. He turns and walks off. Buffy follows. Manny leads her to a rack where a lot of paper-wrapped sandwiches are sitting. He picks one up and begins to unwrap it. MANNY: Look. The DoubleMeat Medley. He unwraps it with a flourish, revealing a perfect-looking sandwich in a hamburger bun with lettuce, tomato, etc. BUFFY: Oh, I know the Medley! It's just, uh, the video was ... kind of graphic, with the slaughter. (wrinkling her nose) MANNY: (gesturing at the sandwich with his other hand) The classic double-decker with a twist. A pure beefy patty above the mid-bun ... and a slice of processed chicken product below the mid-bun. Plus pickles, and the secret ingredient. (holds it out toward Buffy) Eat it. BUFFY: Oh, you know, I had a-a big breakfast. I'll just wait for... Manny holds it out and gives her a look. Buffy inhales deeply and gives a fake smile. BUFFY: Uh ... but it smells so good. She takes the sandwich in both hands and takes a bite. BUFFY: Mm. (mouth full) So, what *is* your secret ingredient? MANNY: It's a meat process. Buffy looks uncertain, swallows hard. MANNY: Now I think it's time to start earning your money, don't you, Buffy? BUFFY: (smiling nervously) Mm-hmm. Cut to the counter. Buffy stands beside a tall young man who is working the cash register. BUFFY: So ... what's the deal with Manny the manager? If I ask him really nice can I write a children's book called that? GARY: (hands her an empty paper cup) Fill this while I get the fries. (turns away) BUFFY: (looking at cup) Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job. GARY: (laughs) You're funny. (stops smiling) You better stop that. BUFFY: (filling the cup at a soda dispenser) Why? GARY: Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. 'Levity is the time-thief that picks the pocket of the company.' BUFFY: I prefer the one that goes, 'Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.' GARY: (sighs) You really need to be quiet with that. Gary picks up the tray with the fries and soda and hands it to the customer. GARY: Here you go. CUSTOMER: Thanks. The customer leaves and another customer comes up, an elderly lady wearing a bushy gray wig. WIG LADY: I'd like a small coffee, and cherry pie. Shot of the cash register as Gary pushes buttons. The buttons all have pictures of food on them. GARY: That's a dollar ninety-two, ma'am. BUFFY: (staring) You hit so many buttons, it's like, button-palooza. GARY: No, it's easy, I - look. The old lady is digging money out of her purse as Gary shows Buffy the buttons. GARY: There are little pictures of the food on the buttons. (shot of his finger pointing at the buttons) I hit the coffee button, then I hit the small button. And then cherry pie. There's a picture of a little fried pie. BUFFY: Uh-huh. The old lady hands over her money. GARY: Then, I hit the total button... (putting the money away) I put the money in the drawer, I close it, and it resets the system. A cocker spaniel could do it. (looks at the customers) Here, why don't you take the next one, the family? They're regulars. Gary moves away. Buffy moves behind the cash register. BUFFY: (to wig lady) Hi. I'm new. WIG LADY: (smiling) I come here every day. BUFFY: (smiling) That's nice. WIG LADY: Oh, you really might make it, dear. Not like some of them, where suddenly you never see them again. I can see you here a long time. BUFFY: (fake smile) That's great. Gary returns with the food. WIG LADY: Thank you. She takes it and moves away. The family moves up: father, mother, and three kids. BUFFY: Hi. Welcome to the DoubleMeat Palace, may I help you? FATHER: Yeah. We need two Number Four Medley Meals, a junior Medley, a Fisherman's Medley with bacon, and a kid's meal. Plus three fries, a chocolatey shake, and extra pickles on one of the Medleys. Spooky music. Buffy looks at the cash register in alarm. Zoom in on the cash register with its bewildering array of buttons. Zoom in on Buffy's anxious face. Pan across the row of buttons. Buffy stares at the buttons, then looks at the customer. BUFFY: Excuse me. Um, this button. (pointing) Does it look chocolatey to you? Cut to later. Pan across the interior of the restaurant with various people sitting in the plastic booths eating. Buffy sits at one of the booths, alone, eating a Medley. She sighs. Fade to later. Buffy walks slowly through the kitchen area and over to the freezer door, looking around. No one else is visible. She opens the freezer door. Inside the walk-in freezer we see a tall rack of shelves laden with boxes of frozen meat(?). Buffy closes the door, revealing Manny watching her. She jumps. MANNY: You don't need to be in there. BUFFY: (nervous) Sorry. I was just curious. MANNY: Curiosity killed the cat. (moves away) BUFFY: (to herself) Theory number five. Cat burgers. Cut to later. Pan across several employees mechanically doing their jobs. Buffy is working the counter. A couple of customers move aside, revealing Anya and Dawn. DAWN: (smiling) Hey Buffy! ANYA: We're here to support your subsistence-level employment. Bravo. We see Xander and Willow are there as well. BUFFY: (smiling) Thank you. This is cool of you guys. XANDER: So, Buff, how's it going? BUFFY: I don't know. I-I've waitressed before, but ... this is different. DAWN: (frowns) Uh, when have you waitressed? BUFFY: That summer in L.A. It was a diner, and ... we had, you know, lots of people who didn't tip, (Willow playing with the straws in the straw dispenser) and funny funny health code violations ... but ... it, it wasn't like it is here. (quietly) I think there's something wrong, here. W-Will, are you okay? WILLOW: Uh, sorry, I, uh... (puts the straws back) Yeah, uh ... something's wrong? The Scoobies lean closer to hear Buffy. BUFFY: There's, there's this manager, right, and he's all scary and mysterious, you know? And then there's the secret ingredient. And, (even quieter) and the people that work here? They're, they're kind of strange, you know? They just ... just stare into space ... plus they disappear. ANYA: Disappear poof? BUFFY: No, not poof. Well, I don't think so. XANDER: It's fast food. I have swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness, there's staring, there's the enthusiastic not showing up at all. I think you're seeing demons where there's just life. BUFFY: I, I didn't say demons. It's just a vibe. I mean, you guys still haven't seen this manager. ANYA: Well, isn't that him over there, getting the pickles wet? Long shot of Manny doing something with the jug of dehydrated pickles. XANDER: Yeah, with the saddle shoes... (close shot on Manny's feet) WILLOW: ...and the glasses? BUFFY: I don't know. Maybe it's just the video that's freakin' me out. (wrinkling her nose) With the cow, and the chicken, all swirly together. (Willow making an "ew" face) XANDER: Mm, make me hungry, why don't you? (looking up at the menu board) How's about one of those delicious Medley Meals? BUFFY: Okay, you got it. On me. (moves away) XANDER: Hey, thanks! (to the others) See, I think she'll be fine once she settles into the routine. And by ordering, I'm helping. DAWN: And getting a free meal? XANDER: Well, yeah. ANYA: Well, if you like the food here, honey, maybe we should get it for the reception. DAWN: You're serving burgers? (Anya nods) Cool! ANYA: Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the 'whoosh' engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help, but, well, now that's all been blown to hell. WILLOW: Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here. ANYA: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you. Willow and Xander roll their eyes. ANYA: (whispers to Dawn) Everyone's so delicate. (normal voice) Anyway, I still have to select the bridesmaids' dresses, and, well, then there are the guests from out of town and the ones from the demon realm -- you wouldn't believe how many of them have yet to let us know either way. Buffy returns with a tray. BUFFY: There you go, and I double-sized it for ya. XANDER: Oh, thank you! Xander unwraps the burger and takes a big bite. BUFFY: And cut way back on the cat. XANDER: (mouth full) Cat?! BUFFY: Just kidding. (Xander gives a sarcastic laugh) Probably. Cut to later. Exterior shot of the DoubleMeat Palace, night. Cut to inside. There are a few customers sitting and eating. Gary is clearing trash off the tables. Buffy is leaning on the cash register looking bored. Behind her we see an older woman employee just standing and staring into space. BUFFY: (to herself) Sloooow night. Buffy looks over at the woman, sighs, walks over and tugs the woman's sleeve. BUFFY: Gina. Gina slowly turns to Buffy -- not her head, but her entire body turns. Her expression is still blank. Buffy waves a hand in front of her face. BUFFY: (taking off her cap) Since it's slow, do you think they'll mind if I take another break? GINA: We're not allowed. Downtime robs us all. BUFFY: Mm, thus quoth Manny. There's no one here. GINA: Sure there is. (indicating the counter) Look. Buffy frowns, turns. Reveal Spike standing by the counter, examining the menu board above. BUFFY: This'll make my day complete. (sighs, walks over to the cash register) What? SPIKE: What's in the DoubleMeat nuggets? BUFFY: I'm working. Go away. SPIKE: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. (smirking) Service me. BUFFY: (not amused) Order something or go. SPIKE: (sighs) Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead. Buffy just makes an annoyed face. SPIKE: Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv? BUFFY: I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but (firmly) I am not a demon. SPIKE: Oh. I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl? (shakes his head) Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is. BUFFY: (shrugs) I'll be fine. Spike leans forward, puts his hands on the counter. SPIKE: Buffy. She just stares at him. SPIKE: You're not happy here. BUFFY: (quietly) Please don't make this harder. SPIKE: You don't belong here. You're something ... you're better than this. BUFFY: I need the money. SPIKE: I can get money. (gestures with his head) Walk with me now, come on. BUFFY: I ... I need to go help Gary with the fries. She turns to go but Spike grabs her arm. SPIKE: You gotta get outta here, this place'll do stuff to you. Buffy pulls free and walks away. SPIKE: This place'll kill you! Cut to the alley behind the DoubleMeat Palace. Camera angle from the point of view of someone hiding behind some trash cans. We see Gary come out the back door and begin doing something with the trash. He hears a noise, looks around, toward the camera. GARY: Someone there? Camera angle moves up as from the POV of someone coming out from hiding. Gary's face shows recognition. GARY: Oh, hi, what are you doing? What, what- Camera angle moves closer as Gary suddenly begins to scream. Close shot of his cap falling to the ground as screaming continues. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the DoubleMeat Palace, day. Cut to inside. Close shot on the time clock reading 9:00. We see Buffy standing behind Timothy as he punches in. BUFFY: (sighs) Feels like I just left, you know? Timothy turns slowly to look at her. TIMOTHY: You came back. (punches his card) BUFFY: (not thrilled) I came back. Timothy moves away. Buffy takes down her time-card and punches it. She goes to walk off and finds Manny standing there. She jumps and gasps. MANNY: Gary's gone. BUFFY: Gary. Oh, the guy that helped me out at the counter yesterday? MANNY: He didn't show up this morning. BUFFY: Well, shift's just starting. MANNY: He was supposed to unlock early this morning. Didn't show. Pull his card. BUFFY: (frowns) Well, I'm, I'm sure, you know, he's just late. (removes Gary's card from the rack) He didn't seem like he was leaving. MANNY: I'm moving Timothy to counter. You're on grill. BUFFY: Me? MANNY: I've been watching you. BUFFY: B-but I-I don't know how to grill. MANNY: (smiling) Just think. This is the last day you'll ever be able to say that. Buffy looks displeased. She walks past him. Cut to the grill. Buffy stands beside it as Philip is explaining how it works. PHILIP: You put the beef on the grill, you hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun... (pauses, thinking) There's not a button for that. BUFFY: Repeat until insane. Close shot on the grill as Philip puts meat patties on it. PHILIP: It eliminates variation. (pushes button) Every burger at every DoubleMeat Palace is the same. (Buffy looking at him) People don't like variation. BUFFY: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad. PHILIP: Mm. Philip has his arms crossed, staring at the meat. Steam rises as the meat cooks. BUFFY: So ... what's the secret ingredient? PHILIP: (not taking his eyes off the grill) It's a meat process. BUFFY: Well, what does that mean? PHILIP: It's a process, they do it to the meat. BUFFY: But, what *is* it? PHILIP: It's just the name of the process. BUFFY: (giving up) Oh. Yeah. The grill beeps. Philip picks up a metal spatula and gives it to Buffy. BUFFY: So, I ... guess we're gonna get ... kinda greasy, huh? PHILIP: Mm. Close shot on the grill as Buffy flips the burgers over. PHILIP: Skin ... hair ... eyelashes ... nostrils... Buffy makes a disgusted face. PHILIP: ...inside your ears... (looks at Buffy) You wanna look inside my ears? BUFFY: (very disgusted) No. No, that's okay. PHILIP: Once I noticed I couldn't hear and went to the doctor. He said it was grease ... that made a plug. BUFFY: (ew) Ohh. PHILIP: Mm. They gave me a kit. Kit for cleaning my ears. (smiling) It's got this little bulb mechanism. BUFFY: (fake smile) Imagine that. Philip laughs, and Buffy tries to laugh too. MANNY: (OS) Buffy? BUFFY: Yay! It's Manny! Relieved, she puts down her hat and goes over to Manny. MANNY: You're working a double shift. BUFFY: What? A...nother eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that's ... (whining) so many hours. MANNY: You get paid for it. Plus an extra free DoubleMeat Medley. BUFFY: (pouting) What happened? Why the double shiftiness? MANNY: Gary didn't show. And now one of my grinder guys is late too. BUFFY: But they could still show up, right? I mean, they could be anywhere. Suddenly a huge bag of meat is slammed down onto the table beside Buffy. She makes a face. We see it was Timothy who just arrived with the meat. TIMOTHY: Your meat's here. Cut to: Xander's apartment. Xander sits on the sofa, talking on the phone. XANDER: Yeah, okay, bye. (hangs up, yells) Ahn, that was Buffy, she's working late, so I might have to go- yah! Xander turns to see a woman standing in the middle of the room. She wears a long cape over a purple blouse and gray pants. Her face is all mottled and veiny (like Anya's in episode "The Wish"). Smoke or mist surrounds her. She holds out her arms. HALFREK: (deep resonant voice) I have been called, and vengeance shall I wreak. (points at Xander) Cower, masculine one ... tremble as you face my wrath! Anya enters from the other room, holding pen and paper. ANYA: Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing. XANDER: Honey? Anya turns to see where he's looking. She gasps. HALFREK: (resonant voice) Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. (Anya smiling happily) How many pieces do you wish? ANYA: Halfrek! HALFREK: (normal woman's voice) Anyanka? Oh my god! Both women squeal and giggle and hug. ANYA: How are you, how are you? XANDER: You two ... you know each other? ANYA: Funny, Halfrek, I didn't summon you to kill Xander, I called to invite you to our wedding. HALFREK: Y- Oh my ... what an embarrassing mistake! (Anya shows her the engagement ring) Oh my god, gorgeous! They continue giggling. Xander stands up slowly. XANDER: Wow, um, you two clearly have some catching up to do. So I'll, uh ... (gestures) I'll not be in the apartment. They watch him leave. ANYA: Gosh, it's swell to see you again, Hallie, I didn't mean to have you materialize all the way here, I mean, not-not till the ceremony, I mean. HALFREK: I guess I got the message garbled. (laughs) You know how it is, half the time I have no idea if I'm maiming the right guy. She giggles. Anya nods. They both look in the direction Xander went. HALFREK: So, um ... you're marrying that man with the large upper arms? ANYA: (smiling) Yes. HALFREK: Why? ANYA: Well, because I love him. HALFREK: Hmm. ANYA: Oh, we're gonna be very happy together. HALFREK: Hmm. ANYA: What? Cut to the restaurant. Buffy lowers a basket of uncooked french fries into the vat of hot oil. It begins to bubble and sizzle. Creepy horror-movie music. Buffy looks at another basket which is sitting above the oil. The oil underneath it bubbles wildly. TIMOTHY: (OS) It's boiling with nothing in it. Sometimes it does that. Shot of Timothy and Buffy standing side-by-side staring mesmerized at the boiling oil. TIMOTHY: They say bugs fall in there. (pause) Oh, I'm back. You can go on your break now. Buffy snaps out of it, turns to walk away. She catches sight of the window and stops. Reveal Spike walking past outside the window, looking in at her. He stops walking to look at her. Buffy takes off her cap and runs her hand through her hair, looking at Spike. Spike resumes walking. Cut to the alley. Buffy stands leaning her back against the wall as Spike stands pressed up against her with his hands on the wall beside her shoulders. Buffy has her hands on his upper arms. Spike is moving rhythmically against her (we see them only from the waist up). He moves his head as if to kiss her but she turns her face away. Spike continues to move as Buffy stares blankly off to the side. On the wall beside them hangs a poster with the word "Teamwork." Cut to Willow's bedroom. Willow lies on her stomach on the bed, marking a book with a yellow highlighter. The door is open. We hear knocking. WILLOW: Come in. Amy appears in the doorway. AMY: It's me. Dawn said I could come up. Willow looks surprised. Amy comes into the room. AMY: So, is she pissed at you too, or just me? (Willow doesn't reply) What did you tell her about me? Willow stops highlighting, takes a few deep breaths before looking up at Amy. WILLOW: D'you want something? (fidgeting nervously with her pen) AMY: Um ... yeah ... actually. I mean, I, I don't, don't know if you wanted to keep it, or... Amy looks to her left. Shot of the cage she lived in when she was a rat. WILLOW: You want it? Really? AMY: Well, yeah, you know, I mean ... it's not much, but it's home. Or it was. I don't know, I guess it's stupid, but... WILLOW: No, i-it's not stupid. You can have it, of course. Amy pauses, then sits down on the bed beside Willow. AMY: Hey. So I hear you got this whole cold-turkey thing goin' on. (Willow nods) How's that going? WILLOW: It's good. It's really good. I mean, i-it was hard at first ... frustrating ... doing everything the slow way. It was like, 'is everything gonna take forever, forever?' AMY: (sympathetically) Yeah. WILLOW: (still fiddling with pen) But, uh, it's better now. I'm ... getting my focus back. AMY: Mm. I can see that. Amy indicates Willow's book. We see that Willow has highlighted all the text on the entire page. WILLOW: (defensively) It's a pivotal page. (sits up, closes book) AMY: So this is it, huh? This is ... gonna be your life from now on? WILLOW: What? (uncertainly) No. AMY: Well, you're never gonna do it again. Ever. (gets up) You're never gonna ... feel how it made you feel. Amy kneels to look at the rat cage. WILLOW: Don't think that's the way to look at it. AMY: Hey Will? It's your birthday. (stands up, picks up the cage) WILLOW: Um, no it isn't. But now that you mention it, Buffy's is coming... AMY: Potestas. (latin translation: "power" or "you have the power.") Blue light shoots from Amy to Willow. Willow gets up quickly. Her eyes are all-black with magic, and little streams of blue magic crackle around her hands. WILLOW: What? (looking at her hands) Amy just watches. Willow stares at her hands, turns and touches a vase on the bedside table. The vase peels away in sections like a flower. She touches a lamp on the table and it sparkles and then disappears. WILLOW: (alarmed) Amy... AMY: (smiling) It's a gift. It's magic ... and it didn't come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. (pause) Enjoy. Amy leaves, carrying the cage. Willow stands there panting and looking anxiously at her hands. Cut to: exterior shot of the DoubleMeat Palace, night. Cut to inside. Close shot of ground meat extruding out of a grinder. Spooky hypnotic music. Close shot of Buffy watching. Overhead shot of the grinder with blades rotating and moving chunks of meat around with them. Close shot of the hopper with the ground meat oozing out into it. Suddenly Buffy crouches down and digs around in the ground meat with her hands. She finds a severed human finger, picks it up and looks at it. Cut to Manny's office. He is hanging up a framed poster reading "Dedication." Buffy rushes in holding the finger. BUFFY: Look! Look what I found under the meat grinder! MANNY: Oh my god. BUFFY: Wanna tell me what's going on? MANNY: I'm not sure. BUFFY: Try again. MANNY: (nervous) Well... there was an accident, maybe six weeks ago, a grinder incident. BUFFY: Right, but see, *this* isn't six weeks old. This, is new. MANNY: It is? Oh... well, maybe Gary did come in this morning, or, I don't know, late last night, maybe there was an accident. Got himself to the hospital. BUFFY: Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. (louder) Or maybe, he's in the grinder! Huh? Huh? Meat process, secret ingredient? Maybe, Gary's on the grill! Or maybe he's under the pickle chips! She turns and runs off. MANNY: Buffy. Buffy! He follows her. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy goes running through it and into the customer area. BUFFY: (yells) Stop! Stop! Everyone, you have to stop! Stop eating! She shoves a customer's tray so that it spills, grabs a burger from another customer's hand. We see the family from earlier. The little boys begin to cry as Buffy grabs their food away from them. BUFFY: No, you can't have this! It's not beef! It's people! She continues to run through the restaurant shoving customers' trays off their tables and similar. BUFFY: The DoubleMeat Medley is people! Manny and Timothy run over and grab her, begin hauling her back toward the kitchen. BUFFY: The meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part. But who knows? Who! Knows! The people stare at her. The old woman from before pushes to the front, holding up a half-eaten pie. WIG LADY: What about the cherry pie? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene as Manny and Timothy have managed to wrestle Buffy back into the kitchen area. She shoves Timothy aside with one arm. MANNY: What are you doing? I thought you were part of the team! Buffy backhands Manny and he flies onto a counter, slides across it and onto the floor. Philip rushes Buffy and she shoves him back with slayer-strength. He flies across the room. Manny lies on the floor glaring up at Buffy. MANNY: You are fired. Buffy gives him an angry look and storms out. Cut to Xander's apartment. Halfrek and Anya are drinking tea from delicate china cups. HALFREK: Tell me more about Xander. ANYA: You keep asking about him. Do you think I'm making a mistake? HALFREK: Do you? ANYA: Well, no! Xander, he... (ponders) He's very kind, and brave ... he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and ... he loves me. I mean, sometimes it isn't easy, but, he does. HALFREK: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you? ANYA: Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something, and, and then he has to say stuff like, (imitating Xander) 'it's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much,' or, or, 'Observe: here is how a real human would behave.' HALFREK: Oh, so he corrects you? ANYA: Well, no, it's just ... um ... well, no, I mean, now I'm all confused, I mean, wha, do you think there's something wrong with, with the way he treats me? HALFREK: (shrugs) Do you? ANYA: Okay, you have to stop doing that. I love Xander. HALFREK: Even though he thinks he knows better than you? ANYA: B-but he doesn't, he doesn't think that. HALFREK: (quickly) Okay. I'm sorry. (small laugh) I was just curious. You know, you don't have to say another thing about it if you're not comfortable. ANYA: B-but I am! I mean ... it's not like I'm hiding any deficiencies or anything. HALFREK: Hmm. Cut to close-up of Xander's face. He holds a bunch of playing cards and is staring at them. XANDER: I have absolutely no threes. Go fish. Close shot on a table with a pile of cards. A hand reaches to take a card from the pile. A paper-wrapped bundle lands on the table beside the cards. Cut to wider shot and we see that we're in the magic shop. Buffy stands beside the table where Dawn and Xander are playing cards. BUFFY: (hands on hips) I call an emergency meeting, and this is it? Where's Willow? Where's Anya? DAWN: I-I couldn't find Willow. I knocked and knocked on her door. XANDER: And Anya's entertaining a vengeance demon named Hallie. Say Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? 'Cause if that's it ... whoa. BUFFY: There's something wrong at the DoubleMeat Palace. Really wrong. She turns and walks over toward the counter. Dawn gets up and follows. DAWN: Have you been demon-fighting? Is that why you smell funny? BUFFY: No! I'm talking about... Buffy pauses, sniffs her shirt, pulls some hair in front of her face and sniffs it, makes a face. BUFFY: Ucch. That's great. That's, that's just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job in a well-lit place, and look, I'm right back where I started. Blood and death and funky smells. (fiddling with something on the counter) Look. Look what I found near the grinder. Close shot of the severed finger as Buffy removes some tissue paper that she had wrapped it in. DAWN: (very heartfelt) Ew. (pause) Whose is it? BUFFY: I don't know. It might be this guy named Gary, the only one in the whole place who didn't seem all brain-dead. He didn't show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time. As the secret ingredient. We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people. Xander turns from the table in alarm. We see that his mouth is full of burger. XANDER: What?! Buffy and Dawn turn to look at him. The empty burger wrapper is on the table beside him. XANDER: (swallows) People? BUFFY: Xander, you ate the burger?! XANDER: (stands up, yells) Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later 'oh and by the way, it happens to be hot delicious human flesh'! BUFFY: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one. XANDER: *That's* your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds? The door jingles as Willow rushes in. WILLOW: Late! Late, sorry, I ... I was reading for school, well, highlighting anyway. (quietly) Anyway, late. XANDER: Yeah, you just (deep breath, gesturing at the empty wrapper) missed the Gary burger. WILLOW: What are we doing? Let's jump right in. Did Xander say something about food? Willow goes to put her purse on the table. She touches a pencil that's sitting on the table and it goes limp (as if the pencil had turned into rubber). Willow quickly picks it up and shoves it into her purse to hide it. DAWN: You wouldn't want any. Apparently the DoubleMeat Medley is people. Xander belches and puts his hand over his mouth. Willow looks at the burger wrapper in disgust. WILLOW: Whoa. Bad. BUFFY: I bet it's not even just this one time. Or even this one town. There are DoubleMeat Palaces all over California. DAWN: (disgusted) I've eaten there a lot. BUFFY: Well, everyone has! They've got the perfect deal. Everyone expects high turnover of the employees, they get the meat for nothing, and ... (pauses) And they have us disposing of the bodies! How sick is that? (Xander still looking disgusted) We need to bring down the whole corporation. Will, Xander ate the burger, is there any way for sure to figure out what it was? WILLOW: Well, yeah, I can start analyzing it with science, not ... I can use science. (to Xander) You ate it? Xander puts up his hand as if to say 'I don't want to talk about it.' DAWN: Um, we have the wrapper. There's little scribbles of meat on the wrapper. (Willow nods) BUFFY: (picking up her jacket) Okay, good, you guys get working on that. It's after closing, so I'm gonna go there and see what I can find out. (leaves) WILLOW: (breathing heavily) Cool, you go. We'll be good. Willow looks a little shaky but she goes to the table and starts setting up. Dawn walks over. DAWN: Are you okay? WILLOW: I'm just worried about Buffy. Cut to exterior shot of the DoubleMeat Palace, all dark for the night. WILLOW VOICEOVER: She could be walking into anything. Cut to inside. Buffy walks slowly through the dark restaurant. She opens the door to the walk-in freezer and walks in, looking around. The door begins to swing shut behind her. She grabs it just before it locks her in. She leaves the freezer. Cut to the meat grinder. Buffy touches one of the blades, then looks at her fingers and sniffs them. She crouches down to look at the opening where the ground meat comes out. Metallic noise from behind. Buffy turns, frowns. BUFFY: Manny? She gets up, starts walking in that direction. Suddenly she falls down out of shot. BUFFY: (OS) Ohh. Manny? She stands up again, back into the shot, holding a shoe with a severed foot in it. The ankle stump is bloody. The shoes are the style Manny was wearing earlier. Buffy wrinkles her nose. BUFFY: Guess you really were a lifer. Cut to the magic shop. Dawn and Xander sit at the counter in background. In foreground we see Willow with a microscope and a bunch of test-tubes arrayed in front of her. Several of the test tubes hold yellow or orange liquid. Willow holds a beaker of green liquid. WILLOW: (whispers) Don't need magic. Don't need it. Don't need it. She pours the green liquid into some of the test tubes. Pan over to Dawn and Xander. DAWN: My friend Janice? Her sister's a lawyer. XANDER: You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting. DAWN: No, I just mean... (sighs) Buffy's never gonna be a lawyer, or a doctor. Anything big. XANDER: She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger. DAWN: But that means she's gonna have like crap jobs her entire life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her ... this is it. XANDER: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister. DAWN: (sarcastic) Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks. WILLOW: Hey, guys, I-I think I've got it. Xander and Dawn get up, walk toward Willow. XANDER: Good job, Will. Those aren't, like, potions, are they? WILLOW: No, no potions. It's not magic, it's chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is. Xander sits beside Willow as Dawn stands on her other side. WILLOW: I made a solution that reacts to the proteins in human blood. So we're pretty close to knowing for certain. Anya comes rushing in. ANYA: (panting) I'm here! I'm here. DAWN: We're doing chemistry. ANYA: Oh. So sorry I hurried. XANDER: Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave? ANYA: (sullen) She's gone. XANDER: So, Ahn, the way she looked, with ... the face... (nervous laugh) That wasn't what you used to look like, was it? ANYA: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive? XANDER: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts? ANYA: Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty. XANDER: Well, hon, she was a little... (Anya glaring) ...there was some veinyness. WILLOW: Hold this. (hands something to Xander) Okay. If the solution reacts to the proteins, then I'll be able to see it. (quickly) I mean, I'll be able to look through the microscope and, and then see it. (bends over the microscope) ANYA: (to Xander) It's not like you're so perfect either, what with your ... strangely large upper arms and your tendency to criticize. XANDER: Huh? DAWN: (to Willow) What do you see? WILLOW: There's no reaction. XANDER: Oh god, no! No reaction! WILLOW: Which means it's not human. XANDER: (upset) It's not human! (realizing) It's not human? ANYA: Well, is it demony? I mean, maybe someone's ... you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that. Dawn makes a very disgusted face to show that she hasn't heard of that until now. ANYA: And by the way, I'm opposed to using demon meat, no matter how much money it saves. (to Xander) Does that surprise you? XANDER: Again, I say 'huh?' WILLOW: (still looking in microscope) No, I'm not sure what I'm seeing. Cellulose? Shot of the slide on the microscope. Looks like a lot of brownish cells clinging together. Willow pulls back from the eyepiece. WILLOW: There's something weird here. Cut back to the DoubleMeat Palace. Buffy walks slowly through the kitchen, still holding the severed foot. She sees something on a table. BUFFY: Scalp? She puts the foot down on the table and stares at the thing. BUFFY: Wig! (picks it up) Wig lady? WIG LADY: (OS) Oh dear. Buffy turns to find the old lady standing behind her, bald. WIG LADY: Wig lady, is that what they call me? Buffy stares at her, frowning. WIG LADY: I don't care for that. (takes a few steps closer) I mean, I have to do something to hide this. A huge snake-like thing pushes its way out of the top of her bald head. Its eyes are her eyes, so it leaves her face eye-less and sagging. It has a round bald head and a toothy mouth with the eyes underneath the mouth. It extends to at least ten feet long, still connected to the old lady, and hovers in the air in front of Buffy's face. The face on the end of it squeals and suddenly squirts a mist at Buffy. Buffy tries to get away but finds she can't move. WIG LADY: It's paralyzing. Don't try to move, dear. You really can't, much. The snake-head thing continues to squeal and move toward Buffy as she tries to back away. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. The Wig Lady stands there with the snake creature protruding from her head. Buffy manages to break free and jump to the side as the creature strikes out at her. WIG LADY: The paralysis spreads upward, by the way. You may want to flail your arms a bit while you still can. Buffy is struggling away slowly, gripping the counter for support. The Wig Lady follows. WIG LADY: Did I tell you? You're my favorite. We get a close shot of her face clearly showing that she has no eyes. Buffy glances back, continues trying to get away. WIG LADY: DoubleMeat workers. You're all so full of DoubleMeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth. Buffy reaches the end of the counter she's leaning on, falls to the floor and tries to push herself back up. WIG LADY: Oh, I just love the paralysis. It means I can eat you slowly. The snake-head is right up in Buffy's face. Suddenly she hits it with something and it flies aside, squealing. Buffy begins crawling along the floor, using mainly her arms. Cut to outside. Willow walks up to the front door and tries to open it, but it's locked. She puts her hands against the glass and peers inside. Cut back to inside. Buffy still pulling herself along the floor. Shot of the Wig Lady's feet walking toward her. Buffy reaches the other side of a metal table/counter and sits up beside it, using her hands to pull her paralyzed legs up beside her. She grunts, then looks alarmed and tries to be quiet. WIG LADY: I know you're under there. The snake head squeals. Buffy cringes. WILLOW: (OS) Buffy? Are you in there? Buffy looks around as Willow's voice seems to come from nowhere, sounding tinny. Cut to outside. Willow stands beside the drive-through ordering station, talking into the microphone. WILLOW: I can't see you inside. Cut back to inside. We see Buffy crouching behind a metal table with the Wig Lady on the other side. Buffy looks alarmed, begins to move again, pulling herself along the floor beside the metal counter. WILLOW: (OS) Buffy, if you're in there, the burger isn't people. Suddenly the snake head comes between the sections of the counter and faces Buffy, squealing. She gasps and ducks down to slither underneath the bottom shelf. Cut to outside. Willow is still talking. WILLOW: They aren't even meat, it's all processed vegetables. Isn't that weird? Cut to inside. Buffy pulls herself along underneath the tables/counters. WILLOW: Buffy, there's more. Something happened today ... i-it wasn't my fault. It was Amy's fault, but I feel so bad about it. Cut back to the kitchen. Buffy pokes her head out from under the table, looking around cautiously. WILLOW (O.S.): It was Amy's power, but, but it felt like I was doing everything myself. And I couldn't stop. And now it's gone and I feel kinda shaky and ... like I, I need it ... Buffy? Buffy looks around, doesn't see anything, begins to crawl out. Suddenly the Wig Lady appears, the snake head in Buffy's face again. She slides back underneath but the Wig Lady bends over and grabs Buffy's shoulders, hauls her out and onto her feet. Then the lady just stands there as the snake head begins to bite at the shoulder of Buffy's jacket. Buffy gasps in pain, reaches behind her trying to find something on the counter that she can use as a weapon, but she only manages to push some stuff off onto the floor. The Wig Lady grabs Buffy again. Cut to outside. WILLOW: (alarmed) Buffy, something fell. Cut back to inside. The Wig Lady shoves Buffy across the room. She bumps up against the meat grinder and her hand hits the red button. The grinder blades begin to whirl. The snake head still has hold of Buffy's shoulder and is biting her. Buffy seems completely paralyzed. Willow runs in. WILLOW: Buffy! The Wig Lady and the snake head both turn to look at Willow. WIG LADY: Visitors! How nice. The snake head spits its paralyzing liquid at Willow. She shrieks and jumps aside. The Wig Lady and snake head turn back to Buffy. It resumes biting Buffy. Suddenly Willow appears behind the Wig Lady. WILLOW: Missed me. She swings something, severing the snake body right above the Wig Lady's head. The snake mouth squeals and lets go of Buffy, leaving a bloody wound on her shoulder. Buffy falls to the floor. The Wig Lady groans and sways back and forth. We get a really nice disgusting shot of the severed stump on her head, oozing yellow liquid. The lady and the severed snake creature fall to the floor beside Buffy. The creature is still wriggling and squealing. WILLOW: Buffy! Buffy lifts her hand, holding a plastic butter knife. She stabs the snake with it. It continues to squeal. Willow runs over and grabs the snake creature, wrestles it up and throws it into the grinder. All seems quiet for an instant, then the snake head reappears over the edge of the grinder compartment, squealing. Willow screams and shoves it back down into the grinder. Squealing noises die away, accompanied by disgusting squishy noises. Willow leans down and helps Buffy up. WILLOW: Buffy, are you all right? BUFFY: Para...lyzed, but ... I think it's wearing off. WILLOW: (smiling) I did it! I killed it, Buffy, look! Shot of the inside of the grinder as the blades go round and round, chopping the gray-green creature into smaller bright green pieces with lots of yellowish blood. Very icky. Buffy and Willow look, then look over to the part where the ground meat comes out. Ground-up green snake-meat starts oozing out. BUFFY/WILLOW: Ewwwww. Cut to: next day. Bright sunny morning. Amy walks down the sidewalk and up the walk to the Summers house, rings the doorbell. Willow opens the door. AMY: (cheerful) Hey. WILLOW: (not moving aside) Amy. AMY: Can I come in? My new place isn't set up, and I wanted to borrow some stuff like detergent. WILLOW: You really can't. AMY: I can't borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me 'stinky Amy,' I'm just gonna say, 'hey, not my fault...' WILLOW: I can't spend time with you anymore. AMY: What? WILLOW: You can't come in here again. AMY: What's up, y-you didn't like your birthday present? WILLOW: That's right. AMY: You're telling me that you didn't have a genuine blast? Come on, that was a sweet spell. That was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines. WILLOW: You don't get it. What you did to me was wrong. Do you have any idea how much harder that makes, just, everything? AMY: You know what I notice? You're not denying that you had fun. WILLOW: Shut up. AMY: Oh, yeah. Sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forget. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat. WILLOW: Amy. If you really are my friend ... you better stay away from me. And if you really aren't... Beat. WILLOW: (meaningfully) ...you *better* stay away from me. Amy looks surprised, but she turns and leaves. Willow goes back inside, closes the door. Cut to: interior of the DoubleMeat Palace, employee lounge. Buffy walks in holding a bundle of folded clothing, walks over to the manager's office. We see a woman taking down Manny's "Dedication" poster. Buffy knocks on the door. LORRAINE: Yeah? BUFFY: Hi. Uh, you must be the new manager. I-I'm Buffy Summers. LORRAINE: I'm Lorraine Ross. They called me in when Manny did his disappearing act. You hear about that? Guy just disappeared. BUFFY: Yeah. I think ... I think that used to happen a lot around here. LORRAINE: Buffy Summers. I heard about you. Caused a big scene. BUFFY: Oh, yeah. Practical jokes not really right for the workplace. I so get that now. Anyway, I just wanted to return my uniform. (hands it over) LORRAINE: Oh. Most people don't even bother. Buffy starts to leave, pauses and turns back. BUFFY: The DoubleMeat Medley ... is vegetables? LORRAINE: How do you know that? BUFFY: So I guess it's true. LORRAINE: Um, close the door? (Buffy does) Have a seat. Lorraine sits at her desk and Buffy sits in the chair opposite. LORRAINE: It's a formed and texturized vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blended with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor. BUFFY: Wait, the secret ingredient in the beef is ... beef? LORRAINE: Buffy. You know something powerful here, do you understand that? The DoubleMeat reputation is built on a foundation of ... well, meat. You can't spread this around. BUFFY: I get that. (pauses to consider) It's a valuable secret, isn't it? LORRAINE: Is there something you want? BUFFY: I really need money. LORRAINE: You want money? BUFFY: No! Well, I mean, yes, but, but no, I ... well, I, I want to work. See, I-I have zero money coming in, and there are expenses, and by the time I interview for a new job and get hired and go through a training process, it... well, I'd ... I'd really like to not be fired anymore. LORRAINE: (small smile) Well, I don't want any more practical jokes. I mean it. BUFFY: I promise. LORRAINE: Well, I'm a little short-handed right now, and you're already trained ... (smiles) I think you can not be fired. BUFFY: (relieved) Thank you. That's, that's great. And I can do the job, I promise that too. LORRAINE: I certainly hope so. I don't like short-timers, Buffy. I like people who *want* to be here. Maybe you didn't take this job seriously before, but from now on? She points at the "5 years" pin on her uniform. LORRAINE: See this? I want you to be shooting for this from here on out. Buffy looks a little displeased by that, but resigned. BUFFY: Right. Here on out. She gives a small brave smile. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.

Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who gets a job at the Doublemeat Palace? A: Anya; Q: Who is visited by Halfrek? A: Halfrek; Q: Who is Anya's old friend? A: Xander; Q: Who does Anya have a relationship with? Summary: Buffy gets a job at the Doublemeat Palace, but soon becomes paranoid about the mysterious secret ingredient in the food. Anya is visited by her old friend, Halfrek , who questions her relationship with Xander.

SILVER NEMESIS PART TWO Run time: 24:12 [SCENE_BREAK] Crash site [SCENE_BREAK] De Flores: Wait. The Doctor: Don't move! Ace: They saved my life. The Doctor: Don't thank them yet. We might live to regret it. Ace: What are they? The Doctor: Cybermen. Leader: So, Doctor, a new appearance, otherwise our anticipation of your presence has proved entirely accurate. Leader: Eradicate them. The Doctor: Take cover. Ace: Doctor! Ace: Doctor, we can't stay here. The Doctor: We certainly can. This exactly the same thing that happened the last time. Only then it was the Roundheads and Lady Peinforte. Peinforte: A hit. A very palpable hit. Peinforte: See how my poison is as deadly as ever, Richard. Richard: And I shall look after the sick. Which reminds me, I shall return to Briggs his money. Peinforte: Get up, fool. I tell thee, Richard, were there men of silver like these here in our day, my life would have been quite different. Now I'll let them destroy each other, and then we'll take the Nemesis. The Doctor: Where did that come from? Ace: Didn't see. The Doctor: A Cyberman killed with an arrow? But that's ludicrous, unless. Of course, the head's made of gold. Ace: That's real gold? The Doctor: Yes. The only substance to which they're vulnerable. Ace: Classy. The Doctor: Ah! Gold dipped in poison. Lady Peinforte's calling card. Ace: I really think we should be getting out of here, Doctor. The Doctor: I really think you're right. Richard: My lady, who is that little man? Peinforte: Oh, glorious evil. It is he. Peinforte: No! De Flores: We must retreat. It's our only chance. Karl: And leave the statue? De Flores: The statue alone is useless to them. The bow is ours. Get it. Leader: Bring the bow at once. Cyberman: The Doctor and the female have escaped with it, Leader. Leader: And that one? Cyberman: Terminated by another human female, using gold. Leader: This must be the Lady Peinforte. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor town [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: My lady, there are people here. Peinforte: Of course there are people. This is Windsor. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] Warehouse [SCENE_BREAK] Leader: Cut the statue free and take it into the craft. [SCENE_BREAK] Lady Peinforte's home [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: I don't like this place. The Doctor: We're just passing through, Ace. Ace: What happened to the body? It's gone. The Doctor: Yes. Someone's moved the chess pieces. The Doctor: Voila! Ace: Is that what we came here for? The Doctor: Our friend the mathematician was a genius, but he needed a little help to get started. The Doctor: Cold? Ace: I really don't like this place. Can we make a move? The Doctor: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Van [SCENE_BREAK] Karl: What is the gold dust for, Herr De Flores? De Flores: Eventualities. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Validium was created as the ultimate defence for Gallifrey, back in early times. Ace: Created by Omega? The Doctor: Yes. Ace: And? The Doctor: Rassilon. Ace: And? The Doctor: And none of it should have left Gallifrey. But, as always with these things, some of it did. Ace: So you had to stop Lady Peinforte. The Doctor: Or anyone else. Ace: From ever putting the three bits together. The Doctor: Yes, so I launched the largest piece into space. Ace: But you got the sums wrong. The Doctor: Look. We're almost there. Ace: I'd feel a lot safer and happier inside the TARDIS. The Doctor: Well, the Cybermen might find the TARDIS. This way, our validium leads us to their validium. Ace: Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? The Doctor: I'm an old-fashioned guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor town [SCENE_BREAK] Skinhead: You looking at me? Peinforte: Stand aside. Skinhead 2: What are you, social workers? Richard: Out of my lady's way. Skinhead: We want to tell you our problems. Peinforte: Will you be turned into rats? Skinhead 2: We already have been. Skinhead: Poor ones. That's our problem. Skinhead 2: Money! Richard: Money, say you? [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Cyberman: The remaining validium approaches, Leader. Leader: As predicted. Activate communications unit. Cyberman: But the Doctor and Peinforte are still to be destroyed. Leader: Our victory is inevitable. The Doctor will come to us, and Peinforte is a simple savage accompanied by a terrified peasant. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: What am I supposed to be listening for? The Doctor: That. Cybermen communicating. Ace: I don't like Cybermen. The Doctor: You should see the ones they're communicating with. Ace: Reinforcements? The Doctor: Yes. But if we could only jam their signal. Have you got a tape? Ace: Yeah. You mean this thing transmits? The Doctor: Of course it does. I built it. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Leader: Commence transmission. Cyberman: Leader, I must repeat the objection to the transmission of incorrect information. Our forces do not yet hold all three units of validium. Leader: You are outside your function. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Are we having fun? Ace: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Cyberman: Interference, origin unknown. Leader: Open the monitor channel. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: That'll keep them busy. Time to go? The Doctor: Oh, I do love a jam session. The Doctor: This is ridiculous. Who did this to you? Skinhead: Social workers. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: My lady. Peinforte: Of course I heard it. Am I deaf? Richard: It sounds like a bear, but worse. Peinforte: See, we're near the Nemesis. Come. The bear will not pursue us. Such things happen only in the theatre. Richard: What creatures are these? Peinforte: I know not. Richard: They will eat us. I beg you, my lady, return us to our own time. The England now is full of terrors. Peinforte: You're mad! Return without the Nemesis? Never. And without my knowledge, you cannot return at all. I tell you, Richard, either you assist me to regain it or I leave thee here forever. Now, come. I think they are peaceful. Richard: What place, what place is this? Peinforte: The piece of ground on which you stand? Well, I will tell thee. It is thy grave, Richard. Richard: What? Peinforte: I ordered you to be buried here when I planned my tomb. See, there's thy stone. Peinforte: If the dogs would not eat thee, I ordered you put out here to attend me in the next world as in this. There you see is my burial place, and aptly the silver creatures there do hold the Nemesis. We shall attack. The Doctor: Just in time. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: There's nothing here, my lady. Peinforte: See the arrow? The statue's here, depend upon it. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Leader: Now our plan begins to operate. She will find that her crypt has weathered with age. The fact of her death will drive her insane. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: This is your tomb? Peinforte: Rather fine, is it not? But where is the statue of Nemesis? [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Peinforte (O.C.): Where is it? Where? Cyberman: Is this the human condition of madness, Leader? Leader: It is. Kill them. Peinforte (O.C.): It must be here. It must be! [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: My lady! Peinforte: It is here! The arrow tells me. How can this be? Where? Where is it? [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Cyberman: Gold! [SCENE_BREAK] Van [SCENE_BREAK] De Flores: This was once the estate of the infamous Lady Peinforte, in the seventeenth century. Karl: Lady Peinforte? But Herr De Flores, we've seen a woman in seventeenth century dress today, firing arrows at us and at men of silver. De Flores: Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the spacecraft [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro Nine, have you? Ace: What if I had? The Doctor: Naturally you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you? Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl. I do what I'm told. The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Leader: Destroy them. Destroy them! Cyberman: We cannot sustain these losses, Leader. We must withdraw. Leader: No. We must hold the statue and retrieve the arrow from them. Cyberman: If we are overcome, the entire strategy fails. The Cyber race will cease to exist. Leader: Your logic is correct. Their supply of gold is limited. Retreat. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Peinforte: Of course. Help me, Richard. Tis in my tomb. Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the spacecraft [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Hello, I'm the Doctor! I believe you want to kill me. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Leader: Betrayal. Kill them. Ace: They killed them, just cos I blew up the ship. The Doctor: They were dead already. The Cybermen had transformed them. They were no longer human beings. Ace: Is that why the Cybermen saved my life, so they could do that to me too? The Doctor: Probably. They were like people themselves before they turned themselves into Cybermen. Quite a lot of human beings are trying to follow their example. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: My lady, where are your bones? Peinforte: What matter? [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Are we still jamming them? Ace: Tape's still running. The Doctor: Good. Let's see who's listening to it. The Doctor: Ah, sweet. [SCENE_BREAK] Clearing [SCENE_BREAK] De Flores: We want to talk to you. I don't know if you're familiar with Wagner's Ring das Nibelungen. Now we, we are the supermen, but you, you are the giants. They are wonderful creatures. Leader: Of course, but why should we form an alliance with you? De Flores: We had a leader once. He predicted your coming. Now together we shall fulfil his vision and reign over this world. Leader: Together? The Cyber race requires no help from humans. Karl: But a woman who is almost less that human now holds the statue. De Flores: And she's armed with the most primitive toys. Leader: You insult us. De Flores: Of course not. Whatever your unfortunate vulnerability doesn't affect us. We can remove her for you. Leader: We accept. Destroy the woman and her servant, and we will divide the planet into your slave groups and ours. De Flores: Good. Leader: But remember, betrayal will be fatal. We are invincible to your weapons. De Flores: Come with me. Leader: Once they have the arrow and the statue, destroy them. [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Anything there? Ace: Why am I doing this? The Doctor: That handful back there aren't the only Cybermen in the universe. We've got to find out where the others are. Ace: Look, this is where the signal's being received, right? The Doctor: Right. Ace: But according to the scanner there's nothing there. The Doctor: Then the scanner's wrong. That lot were only the advance party. Out there somewhere's the entire Cyberforce, and they want the Nemesis more than anything else in space. Ace: How can you be so sure? The Doctor: Because it's 1988. Ace: Huh. That makes sense. The Doctor: Listen, Ace. The Nemesis generates destruction. It affects everything around it. I launched it into space, but unfortunately with an orbit that brings it back to Earth every twenty five years. Take the twentieth century. It appeared in 1913. Ace: The eve of the First World War. The Doctor: Twenty five years later? Ace: 1938. The Doctor: Hitler annexes Austria. Ace: 1963? The Doctor: Kennedy assassinated. Ace: 1988. The Doctor: Check the scanner again. De Flores: Unfortunately, Wagner must be rewritten. The supermen must control the giants. Only two illiterates stand between ourselves and the Fuhrer's dream. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] Crypt [SCENE_BREAK] Peinforte: How perfect you are. Immaculate beauty carved in absolute evil. Richard: But your bones, my lady? They should be buried... Peinforte: What matter? They are dead, but I live, and soon I shall have the bow and my Nemesis shall be complete. Peinforte: We are attacked! Quickly, arrows. Richard: We have but one left, my lady. I doubt that our arrows can stop these weapons anyway. Peinforte: Nonsense. Make it count. They killed the silver creatures. Richard: See, lady, we have no chance! Peinforte: Nonsense. No man shall take the Nemesis. Her might is mine! Peinforte: Not for nothing did I design my own tomb. Death is but a door. Peinforte: I always knew I'd cheat it. Here, help me with the statue. Richard: We can't lift it, my lady. We must fly! Karl: Put up your hands. Peinforte: Never! Richard: You want the statue, master? Here, take it. Take it. Peinforte: No! Richard: Give her the arrow. See! Richard: Forgive me, my lady. Peinforte: Unhand me now! Peinforte (O.C.): No! De Flores: No matter, Karl, no matter. They are of no importance. We have the statue, the arrow, and the bow. Karl: And the Cybermen? De Flores: Gold overcomes them. We have no such weakness. See how it prepares for life. Your first task must be to take control of the extraterrestrials. Leader: Unfortunately, that will not be possible. De Flores: Keep away. I possess the entire statue of Nemesis. All power is mine. The life and death of everything in existence is in my hands. Leader: Then where is the bow? [SCENE_BREAK] Windsor Great Park [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Of course. It's so simple. They're shrouded. Ace: You what? The Doctor: Shrouded. They don't show up. But we must try and force them into revealing themselves. Treble. Bass. Please let me be right. Is anyone listening? Balance. Ace: What are they? The Doctor: Cyber warships. Thousands of them. They were invisible.

Plan: A: The Cybermen; Q: Who has the Nemesis Statue? A: gold-tipped arrows; Q: What do Lady Peinforte and Richard use to fight back? A: De Flores; Q: Who still has a plan to set in motion? Summary: The Cybermen have the Nemesis Statue but Lady Peinforte and Richard fight back using gold-tipped arrows. Meanwhile, De Flores still has a plan to set in motion.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Regina: You turned Hook into a Dark One? Emma: It was the only way to save him. Hook: After spending centuries quelling my bloodlust, you threw me right back into that darkness! Job well done, Emma! Nimue: Now it's time to get to work. Hook: Nimue. Welcome to Storybrooke, love. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest. Somewhere at sea ] [SCENE_BREAK] (A young Killian is awake at night, as the ship is thrown around by the violent storm outside. They are in the middle of the ocean. Killian is watching a lantern that has been lit and is clearly scared. Moments later, a gust of wind blows the lantern out) Young Killian: Father, Father! (He bolts up in bed, scared) Brennan: (He enters the cabin calmly) It's all right, son. I'm here. (He uses a match to relight the lantern) See? There's nothing to be afraid of. (He takes a seat next to Killian's bed) Now... remember, whenever you feel scared, all you have to do is look inside. We're all braver than we think if we just look deep enough. Before you know it, you're gonna be a man, so I'm just trying to prepare you 'cause then you're gonna have to answer life's big question. What kind of man are you going to be? Young Killian: (After a few moments, he chuckles) I want to be just like you. Brennan: (Chuckles also) Well, that's a nice answer, son. Now, close your eyes and find that brave part deep inside yourself, hmm? And you don't have to worry about a thing. Your father will watch the light for you. Just go to sleep, Killian. Go to sleep. (Young Killian finally falls asleep, and hours later, he wakes to see that Brennan is gone and he panics. His older brother, Liam, is asleep on the cot beside him) Young Killian: Liam? Liam, wake up! Father's gone! (He tries to rouse Liam, but he doesn't wake. He then runs to the door and opens it, only to bump into a man) Man: (Enters the cabin) Are you looking for your father? (He points out to the ocean) Look out there. He rowed away an hour ago. Young Killian: Rowed away? Why? Man: Your father ain't what you think. He's a thief, a fugitive from the law. He heard there were soldiers waiting at the next port, so he bought my old rowboat... and left. Young Killian: Why would he leave us? Man: How do you think he paid for the boat? He traded you and your brother into my service. Young Killian: No! No, he wouldn't do that! Man: Now you know what kind of man your father really is. (He leaves the cabin) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's night time and Hook waits on a road somewhere in the forest as Mr Gold slowly makes his way towards him.) Hook: It would appear I've won. Mr Gold: (He is holding Excalibur) Oh, did you? Last time we fought, this sword ended up at your neck. Hook: You won a battle, not the war. I took the dagger from you, and now you have nothing and never will. Mr Gold: Watch it, pirate. (He attempts to run Hook through with the sword) Hook: (Magic's himself out of the way, and appears behind Mr Gold) Aah! There's the Rumplestiltskin we know and love! This is why Belle's left you, isn't it? She knows just what kind of man you really are. Mr Gold: And what kind is that? Hook: The kind who loves his power more than anything... more than her, more than your dead son, which is why it's so bloody satisfying to take it away from you. Mmm, remember how good it felt? Mr Gold: Power is only as good as the one who wields it. And you've done nothing but parlor tricks. Hook: Oh, is that right? Well, I think you're really gonna like what's next. The trick where I finally get my revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Henry, Mary Margaret, David, Regina and Robin are walking down Main Street in a hurried pace, trying to find Hook) David: Emma, slow down. We need to talk about this. We need a plan. Emma: The plan is find Hook before he resurrects all of the Dark Ones. You think dealing with one is bad. Leroy: (He joins their group with Happy, Walter, Doc, Mr Clark, and Bashful) There's more than one Dark One?! David: It's a long story. Leroy: Well, no matter. There's seven of us. Happy: Six. Dopey's still a tree. Leroy: We may be down a dwarf, but we're ready to fight. Emma: You won't have to. I'm going to take care of this. David: You think you can talk him out of this? Regina: There's no talking. We have to hit him with everything we've got. Mary Margaret: Well, it's not his fault. He didn't want to become the Dark One. Emma: But he did because of me. None of that matters anymore. (She stops and turns to face the group, who also stop walking) Regina's right. We need to hit him with everything. Mary Margaret: This is a man you loved. Emma: (She looks sad that it has come down to this) That man died back in Camelot. Now all there is, is the Dark One. So, no matter how hard this might be... we need to split up, find him, and stop him... no matter what it takes. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke] [SCENE_BREAK] (The group has all clearly gone their own separate ways in an attempt to find Hook. Regina and Robin are together, and Robin has his bow and arrow. They are walking towards the harbour) Robin Hood: Come on. This is the fastest way to thue harbor. Regina: And you think we'll find Hook just sipping rum by the sea? He's not exactly a pirate anymore. Robin Hood: Once a pirate, always a pirate. Take it from a reformed thief, old habits die hard. Zelena: (Poofs in front of them) Certainly do. Robin Hood: (He's pointing an arrow at her in a threatening manner) Careful who you sneak up on. Regina: Get out of our way, Zelena. We don't have time for this. Zelena: I'd like to have a little chat about my daughter. Robin Hood: Our daughter. Zelena: About that. I've worked up a teeny alteration to our custody arrangement. I've decided to grant myself sole custody. See, I'd like to raise her by myself without you two getting in the way. I'm going to teach her how to be wicked. Robin Hood: You try and take my daughter from me... (He raises his bow and arrow at her again) Zelena: (Laughs) Oh, come on. There's no point in us fighting over our darling baby girl because, soon enough, you'll both be dead, and... then I can just take her. Regina: What do you mean we'll be dead? Zelena: (Indicates to two hooded dark one's heading towards them) Ask them. Robin Hood: (Raises his bow and arrow at them) Dark One, stand back! (His threat isn't enough as they keep walking towards them) (The scene changes to Mary Margaret and David walking towards David truck, also looking for Hook) David: Come on. We can cover more ground in the truck. (He opens the door and in the window he sees two dark one's following Mary Margaret reflecting) Behind you! (The scene changes to the six dwarfs who are also walking down the street, searching for Hook. Suddenly they are surrounded by numerous dark one's, who begin to close in around them, so the dwarfs can't escape) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is in Mr Gold's shop also looking for Hook. She walks into the back room, and doesn't see him still) Emma: No sign of Hook! Think the next stop's Jolly Roger. Henry: (From outside of the shop) Mom, help me! Emma: (Comes outside and sees that Nimue is about to walk through Henry) Henry, don't move! (Raises her hand to stop Nimue) Nimue: Too late for that. (Walks through Henry, before disappearing in a cloud of smoke). Emma: (Runs forward) Henry! Henry, are you okay?! Henry: I-I think so. (Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin and the Dwarfs all walk up to Emma and Henry, who are still in front of Gold's shop) Regina: What just happened to us?! Mr Gold: (Walks up to the group) I think I may have the answer to that. Check your wrists. (Regina, Robin, Mary Margaret and the dwarfs check their wrists, while Emma checks Henry's. The all have the same mark) Emma: What is that? Mr Gold: That... is the mark of Charon. Henry: Charon? He was the ferryman in the old myths. He navigated a boat... to the Underworld. Mr Gold: Smart lad. You see, the Dark Ones only have a... a temporary pass into this world, like a like a tourist visa. The only way for them to stay... is to trade places with living souls. David: Meaning us? Mr Gold: Exactly. (Points to the moon) And when the moon reaches its peak, the ferry from the underworld will arrive... and drag us down there. David: That doesn't sound good. Mr Gold: Speaking as one who's died and been there, it's not. Regina: So, how do we stop it? Mr Gold: We can't. The Underworld is worse than you can possibly imagine. It's gonna make you wish the old stories of fire and brimstone were true. It's gonna make you wish for death. And then the realization will hit... that death has already come, and this fresh torture is all that's left. Emma: Gold, you're scaring Henry. Mr Gold: Good, because we should all be scared. This is Death itself. This is a fight we cannot win. Emma: No. I'm not marked. I'm not going to give up. There has to be something we can do Mr Gold: You're right. There is something. Use this time wisely. Use it to say goodbye. (Walks back into his shop, leaving the others standing in the road) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (All the Dark One's can be seen walking down the main street of Storybrooke, dressed all in black cloaks, their faces hidden, apart from Nimue, who is at the front and leading them) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the docks, Hook is standing looking out to sea, and he hears Regina approaching behind him) Regina: Thought I might find you somewhere with a view of the sea. Hook: Oh, there's no use in hiding now. Regina: You can't go through with this, Killian. Hook: Oh, "Killian"? No "Captain Guyliner," (Turns to face Regina) No "One-Handed Wonder"? Where are the bon mots tonight? Regina: I understand you think Emma betrayed you, but do you really think dragging her family to the underworld's the answer? Hook: This from the woman who enacted the dark curse to punish Snow White for telling a secret. You of all people should know how far someone will go for revenge. And, unfortunately for you, so do all the people you've killed who are waiting for you in hell. Regina: I'm not that person anymore. Hook: Oh, tell yourself what you want, love. Regina: You may be the Dark One, but we both know you aren't the man you were when I recruited you to kill my mother. When I... tested you... and when you (Gasps for air) Hook: (Magically choking her) Not... another... word. (Walks towards her and stops in front of her, still choking her) No, we agreed we would never speak about this again. Don't test me again. Whoever you think I am, I'm not. You've got no idea the kind of man I truly am. (Stops choking her and walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook stands in a field, near the Evil Queen's castle, he is drinking a goblet of wine. A carriage approaches with Black Knights, which stops in front of him. The door to the carriage opens, revealing the Evil Queen, who is trying to look alluring) Hook: If I'd known you were gonna take as long to do your hair... I'd have had another goblet of wine. Evil Queen: (Stands up in the carriage door) I think you've had enough. I want you sharp for what you must do next. Hook: Aye. I will kill your mother, and in exchange, you will bring me to a land without magic, where I can finally get my revenge on Rumplestiltskin. Evil Queen: In... (Steps out of the carriage and is still trying to look seductive) Deed. But first... I need to know what kind of man you are. (Walks up to Hook and holds his arms in an attempt to turn him on) You don't know my mother. She's an expert at one thing: exploiting weakness. (Takes his goblet off him and steps back) And I need to make sure you have none. Hook: Well, she sounds lovely. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Evil Queen: Shut up. (Turns back towards the carriage and re-opens the door) And get in the carriage. Hook: Ah, a test, is it? I've been a pirate for over 100 years, and my hook has tasted the blood of dozens. (Walks to the carriage and takes back his goblet) Whatever your test, trust me... I've got the mettle for it, love. (Takes a sip and throws it away before getting into the carriage) Evil Queen: (Laughs and gets into the carriage also, closing the door behind her) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Henry, David and Mary Margaret are in Regina's vault and looking through the books, in an attempt to find a way to undo the Dark One's marks) Henry: Gold has to be missing something, right? There has to be a way to escape this mark. Mary Margaret: Maybe Gold's right. Maybe this is a fight we can't win. Emma: Mom, you're Snow White. You don't know how to give up. Hope is in your blood. Mary Margaret: And I do hope, Emma, but... I don't want to spend what could be my last moments with my nose in a book. I want to make the most of my moments with my family. Henry: Dinner at Granny's. That's what we should do. David: Yeah. (Closes the book he is looking through) Dinner at Granny's. That's a great idea. Emma: (Looks down at her little brother) What about Neal? He'll be left here all alone. Mary Margaret: He won't be alone, Emma. He'll have you. Emma: I will not give up on my own family. Mary Margaret: (Turns and hands Neal to David) Emma, we're almost out of time. And time is what's most important... time with those we love. (Kisses Emma's forehead) I know you won't stop trying. And I hope you succeed, but... promise me that you'll... come meet us at Granny's, come say goodbye. Emma: (Crying) I promise. Mary Margaret: (Hugs her) I love you, Emma. Emma: I love you, too. (Mary Margaret pulls away, and she, David and Henry leave Emma alone in the vault. A few moments later, Regina enters) Regina: So, I hear we're giving up. Emma: No. Not tonight. Not ever. If I can destroy the Dark Ones, no souls will be owed, and you will all be spared. Regina: How? Emma: Do you remember the promise you made in Camelot... to do whatever was necessary to get rid of the darkness? Regina: I don't like where this is going. Emma: I need you to keep that promise now. And I need you to swear not to tell anyone else. Regina: But to get rid of the darkness, you still have to put it in someone... and sacrifice them. Who? Emma: Me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is pacing in his shop, holding a small vile of potion. He is waiting for Belle who enters moments later) Mr Gold: You got my message. Belle: Look, I... I told you that I... Mr Gold: (Interrupts her and hands her the potion vile) O-okay, here, here. This will save you from harm when you're crossing the town line. Belle: (Confused) A-am I going somewhere? Mr Gold: Well, that's up to you. You've always wanted to see the world. Well, all of it is right out there, the other side of that town line. Go when you can. See all the wonders you've dreamt of, and when you've tasted it all, maybe one day you'll come back. Go today and have a life. Belle: Is something wrong? Mr Gold: (Hugs her) No. No, no, no, no. Nothing's wrong. I just want you to... live out your dream. (Pulls away and hands her the car keys) Okay, look... here. You... you take the car, say goodbye to your father, and then start living. Belle: (Smiles) I knew there was a hero in there. Mr Gold: Goodbye, Belle. Belle: (Walks to the door) Yeah. (At the door, she turns to face Mr Gold again, and he nods encouragingly at her. She smiles at him again before opening the door and leaving. Mr Gold is clearly very upset as he takes a seat and examines the mark on his arm. A few moments later, the door opens again and he looks towards it, but it's Emma and Regina, not Belle) Mr Gold: (Stands up and walks into the main part of the shop, and comes face to face with Emma and Regina) We're closed. Please, go away. Regina: No. We're not going down without a fight. I bet there are a lot of people in the underworld who would be thrilled to see you and me. Mr Gold: We deserve it. And it doesn't matter. There is no alternative. Emma: There might be, but I will need Excalibur. Mr Gold: The only possible way Excalibur would be of any use would be if... Regina: (Interrupts) If Emma takes all the darkness into herself... and uses the sword to destroy it. Mr Gold: And herself. (Mr Gold looks at them for a few moments, before going into the backroom. The sound of a sword unsheathing can be heard, and a few moments later, he walks back into the main part of the shop, holding Excalibur.) Mr Gold: Excalibur was always destined... for the hands of a true hero. (Holding the sword out for Emma) Emma: That's it? You don't want to make a deal or something? Mr Gold: No. (Emma takes the sword from him) You're a brave woman, Emma Swan. Emma: (Turns and starts to leave, but Gold's voice stops her) Mr Gold; But it might not work. Emma: What? Why? Mr Gold: Well, that blade... it chooses who it finds worthy. And it chooses its miracles. Emma: It doesn't matter. Right now all that matters is I need to be with my family while I can be. Come to Granny's with me. (Looks at Regina) Regina: No, I can't. Robin and I need to protect Roland and the baby from Zelena. I'll catch up with you later. (Leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Evil Queen opens the door to a rowdy tavern, and she and Hook enter) Hook: So, just a man? That's the only description I get? Evil Queen: Oh, I'm pretty sure you'll know which one I mean. Face him, and you'll prove you have what it takes to face my mother. Hook: I'm not sure I see... Man: (Interrupts) Pirates ain't welcome here! Hook: Ah. (Cockily walks forward but stops when a giant of a man blocks his path and he looks slightly shocked) Man: Get out, pirate. Hook: Well, it seems we are at an impasse. (Goes to strike the man with his hook) Evil Queen: (Rolls her eyes and scoffs) Oh, for heaven sake. (She uses her magic to snap the man's neck and kill him) Not him. (She grabs Hook and turns him to face the person he is there to kill) Him. Hook: (Looks shocked and sad) Father? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Robin enter the Mayor's office, and they find Zelena sat behind the desk, with her feet propped up and reading colors to paint the walls) Zelena: Gina! Robbie! Come on in. Regina: (Walks up to Zelena) What do you think you're doing? Zelena: At the moment, I'm trying to decide what colour would look best on your walls. I mean, my walls. (She turns over the colous booklet, and all the one's she is looking at are green) Kelly? Hunter? Pistachio? Oh, my God, I just realized that all three of those work as baby names. (Laughs manically) It's all just coming together. Regina: (Takes the booklet and throws it in the trash) Zelena: Cheeky. Regina: You're not moving in, sis. Zelena: Well, perhaps I'm slightly premature, but in an hour, you'll both be dead, then everything that's yours... will be mine. And, of course, I get the baby. Robin Hood: No. You see, our child deserves her best chance. Regina: (Pulls out the Black Fairy's wand) And that's not with you. Zelena: Oh, yes. The withered knob of that sad old man. Uh, if memory serves, the last time you tried to use it, you weren't powerful enough to make it work. Regina: (Manages to get the wand working) If my memory serves... last time, I didn't believe in myself. But now I do, as does everyone in this town. So, let's go somewhere, just the two of us. (Regina transports her and Zelena to the clock tower, leaving Robin at Regina's office. Zelena looks around) Zelena: Oh, such a letdown. I thought you were gonna use the thingy. Regina: Oh, I am. So you better hang on. (Regina manages to summon a twister, and the glass to the clock tower smashes, and Zelena gets sucked out, just managing to hold on to the glass, whilst Regina laughs) Zelena: I am not done! You will see me again! (Screams as she is sucked into the twister, it taking her away) Regina: Somewhere over the rainbow! Enjoy Oz, Witch. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold watches as Belle puts her last suitcase in the car and shuts the lid, before turning to hug her father goodbye. Belle gets into the car and drives away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Granny's diner, Emma is round the back as her family are in the main part, celebrating their last moments together. She is holding an envelope in her hands. After watching her family for a few moments, she places it down on a bench the duke box) ♪ Once again ♪ ♪ Once again ♪ ♪ We wander through a dream ♪ ♪ Once again ♪ ♪ A sweet familiar scene ♪ Emma: I'm sorry. ♪ ... Keep calling our names ♪ Emma: It's the only way I can make up for what I've done. (She leaves) ♪ Once again ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (From across the street, in a darkened ally, Hook watches as Emma leaves Granny's diner. Nimue appears behind him) Nimue: You know what you need to do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The tavern is now closed, and Hook is the only remaining "customer" and he sits at a table, tapping his hook impatiently, before taking another sip of his ale. Brennan, who is still behind the bar spots him. Brennan steps out from behind the bar, but still keeps his distance) Brennan: Look... I don't want any trouble, but we're closed, mate. Hook: Why might I cause trouble? Because I'm a dirty pirate? Or because I'm a boy whose father abandoned him on the high seas? Brennan: Killian. Hook: Aye. (Slams his tankard down and stands up) But it's Captain Hook now. You once told me I had to decide what kind of man I wanted to be. Well, Father... this is who I became! Brennan: How is this possible? I left nearly a century ago. Hook: We both found a way to cheat death. Brennan: That we did. Your brother? Hook: Liam... was not so fortunate. Brennan: (Sighs) But you... look at you. You grew up. Where have you been? Hook: Neverland. I was biding my time until I found a way to kill myself a crocodile. It's a tale of woe and revenge but one that you don't need to be concerned with. It's your tale that matters. So, tell me, father, where does a scoundrel like you run after he's sold his sons into servitude?! Brennan: Oh, I'm sorry, Killian. Truly, I am. I ran. I didn't get far. Not long after I left you and Liam, I got caught and put under a sleeping curse. Hook: A sleeping curse? How the bloody hell are you awake now? Brennan: How does anyone break a curse? True love's kiss. Hook: Who could ever find a way to love you? Brennan: My nurse. I could hear her speaking... as I slumbered. Her voice was so kind, so gentle. She made me see the error of my ways. I fell in love with her. And she with me. She changed me. I just... I just... wish... that I'd known her when we were together. You could've had the father you wanted. The father you deserved. I'm so sorry. Hook: Where is this woman? Brennan: A few years... after we married... she fell ill. (He sits down at one of the tables) The plague. She never recovered. Hook: I came here to kill you, Father. Your life was the price I had to pay to finally get my revenge. But we've both lost too much. Brennan: You're going to spare me? Hook: In a manner of speaking. The world must believe you're dead. The queen, everyone must think I killed you. I can secure you a letter of transit to take you far from this place. Maybe you can start again. Brennan: (Stands up) You'll come with me? Hook: No, you see, I had a love, too. And she was taken from me. You can't destroy the plague that took yours, but I can destroy the plague that took mine. I must continue on. Brennan: I hope you find peace... Son. (Places his hand on Hook's shoulder) Hook: (Shrugs it off) We must hurry. Any delay will arouse suspicion. I'll bring the letter of transit tonight. (Begin walking to the door, but the sound of his father's voice stops him). Brennan: Actually... would it be possible... to bring two? Hook: Two? Brennan: My wife and I... we had a son. Hook: (Looks shocked) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma arrives home late at night. She heads straight for a cupboard and uses her magic to open it. She pulls out Excalibur before turning back around, unaware that Hook is now sitting at the dining table) Hook: Sorry, love. But I can't let you use that sword. (Stands up and makes positions himself in front of the door, blocking her exit path) Emma: Why? So you can get your precious revenge? If I do not do this, everyone I love will die. Hook: And if you do, you'll die. Come now, hand it over. I don't want to hurt you. Emma: Now you care what happens to me? Hook: Like it or not, I owe you. Emma: For what? Hook: Well, if it weren't for what you made me, I would never have become the man I always wanted to be. Emma: (Has tears in her eyes) This is not who Killian wanted to be. Revenge did not matter to him. Hook: Oh, it did. You just briefly distracted me. Well, now I can finally make the Crocodile pay. Emma: (Slowly takes a couple of steps towards him) Even if it means becoming the thing you hate? The thing you spent centuries trying to destroy? Hook: If you didn't want me to change, you should have let me die. Emma: I'm sorry. I couldn't watch one more person I love die. Hook: And now, because of that, you get to watch everyone you love die. Emma: No! (She runs forward and attempts to stab him with Excalibur) Hook: (Disappears in a cloud of red smoke, and appears behind her) Emma: (Turns to face him) I will protect my family, even if I have to kill you to do it! (Attempts to strike him again, but he disappears again. Only when she turns around, she is face to face with "Henry") Henry/Hook: Mom, wait! Emma: Henry. Henry/Hook: (Takes the sword from Emma, before Hook changes back into his normal appearance) Emma: Killian. Do not do this. Hook: It's too late for that, Swan. Enjoy the time you have left with your family. (Disappears in a cloud of red smoke) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's diner, Henry is fussing over Neal, while Mary Margaret and David watch on with sad smiles on their faces. After a few moments, Mary Margaret gets up and places the dirty plates on the counter top, before noticing Emma's letter) Mary Margaret: (Opens the letter and reads it) Oh, no. David? David: (Stands up and walks over to Mary Margaret) What's wrong? Mary Margaret: It's Emma. David: We got to stop her. (Mary Margaret and David look like they are ready to leave, but Nimue and two dark one's have appeared in the diner. Henry gets up from his seat) Nimue: You don't have to worry. Captain Hook's already seen to that. Which means there's no way to stop your trip to the underworld. (Nimue uses her magic to activate the marks on their forearms. They all groan in pain, before they are surrounded by a bright light) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret, David and Henry are transported to the lake where Nimue arrived, and Robin, Regina and Mr Gold are already there. They are surrounded by numerous Dark One's) Regina: (Moves towards Henry) Henry? Are you all right? Henry: I-I-I think so. Mary Margaret: (Panicking) Neal's back at the diner! David: Roland and the baby where are they? Robin Hood: They're safe. They're with the fairies. They'll take Neal, as well. Henry: So this is really it. Hook: (Emerges from behind the dark one's and walks towards the others, carrying Excalibur) I'm afraid it is, lad. Look. The S.S. Purgatory. (Hook indicates to the lake, where fog is appearing. From behind the fog, Charon appears on his boat, ready to take everyone who is marked to the Underworld) Emma: (Runs out from behind the Dark One's, and runs to her family, clearly distressed) Mom, Dad! Henry! (She group hugs Henry, Mary Margaret and David) Hook: (He looks slightly saddened for a few moments) Emma: I'm sorry! I tried! Mary Margaret: We know. It's okay. Regina: (Walks up to Hook) It's time to drop the act. You can't just sit back and watch another family be destroyed to get your revenge. Hook: What makes you think I can't? Regina: Because of what we swore to never speak of again. I know the real reason you don't want to talk about what you did to your father. Hook: I believe we've already had this conversation. Regina: But this time you're going to listen because if you don't... you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life, which, in your case, means forever. So, you have to ask yourself the same question you did that night. What kind of man do you want to be? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is standing at the front of a small hut, holding a piece of paper, which will be Brennan's ticket for leaving safely. After looking at him, he pushes open the door to the small house and sees Brennan tucking Liam II in.) Liam II: I'm scared, Father. I don't want to leave here in the morning. Brennan: I know. But we'll be okay. You and I will find another home. What matters most is that we're together. We can face anything that way. Now, it's late. Close your eyes. And remember... whenever you're scared, all you have to do is look... inside. We're all braver than we think if we just look deep enough. Sleep tight. I'll see you in the morning, Liam. (Kisses Liam's forehead) Hook: (Retreats out of the house, but is clearly annoyed) (Outside, Hook waits for Brennan. Brennan comes out of the house a couple of moments after Hook does, and walks towards Hook) Brennan: Thank you, Killian. Hook: You named your boy Liam. After my brother, after the son... you abandoned. Was he really that easy to replace? Brennan: I wasn't trying to replace him. I was trying to honour him, to honour you both. So I'd remember never to make the same mistake. Hook: No, people don't change. (Angry and points at Brennan in a threatening manner) I saw what you said to him in there! It's the same thing you said to me! It was a lie then, and it's a lie now! Brennan: Killian, please, it's not true. I have changed. I would never leave him. Hook: But you would leave me. (He puts the piece of parchment that holds Brennan's ticket to freedom in the fire) Brennan: Killian, please, what are you doing?! Hook: Deciding what kind of man I want to be. You see, if the queen discovers that I've deceived her, I might not get what I need, and I can't have that. You're just not worth it. (He pulls out a dagger from inside his coat, and stabs Brennan) Brennan: (Grunts in pain, before falling to the ground. He tries to grab Hook, but is pushed to the ground) Killian... it's never too late. You can change. Be a different man. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook still stands with the Dark One's, and Regina is back with Robin and Henry. The Charon is ready to take them to the Underworld) Nimue: (Steps forward) It's time. Emma: No, you're not taking the people I love! (She moves forward, ready to fight, but stops when she begins to choke) Nimue: (Magically chokes Emma) I might not be able to kill you, but I can stop you from interfering. (Nimue continues to choke Emma, preventing her from fighting. Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin and Henry watch on helpless. As Emma is choked, she keeps looking at Hook. After a few moments, Hook's eyes widen as he sees Emma being hurt, as he finally understands that he can't go through with this) Hook: That's enough! (Turns to face Nimue) Nimue: What do you think you're doing? Hook: Being the man I want to be. Nimue: (Still choking Emma) You can't stop us. Hook: Yes, I can. (Hook raises Excalibur, and slowly, all the Dark One's are absorbed into the sword. Emma watches on shocked, as Hook takes on all the darkness. The marks on the sword is now glowing red) Emma: Killian, you can't do this. Hook: (He is straining because the darkness is a lot of handle) We both know there's no other way, love. We have to hurry. The darkness won't stay trapped in Excalibur much longer. Take it. (Turns to face her) Emma: (Visibly upset) No! Hook: You have to help me, Swan. Take it. Emma: I can't. It should be me. Hook: Your family needs you. If anyone deserves to go to the underworld, it's me. You were right. I was weak. So let me make up for it now by being strong. Emma: (Has tears falling from her eyes) I don't want to lose you. Hook: And I don't want to lose you. But you have to let me go. Let me die a hero! That's the man I want you to remember, please! (Hook is holding the sword out for Emma, and she slowly steps forward, trembling herself. She takes the sword from him, her hands lingering over his for a few moments. Emma steps back and is shakily holding the sword as she can feel how powerful the darkness is) Emma: (Steps forward) I love you. (She kisses him) Hook: I love you, too. (Seeing how distraught Emma is, he nods at her encouragingly) Emma: (Steps back, but can't bring herself to kill him) Hook: It's okay (With another small nod of encouragement, Emma finally musters up the courage to drive the sword through him. He cries out in pain, and Emma begins to sob, as he hugs him. Immediately, Hook tires to comfort, despite having a sword through him. Everyone else watches on sadly. A bright light surrounds Hook and Emma, and once is disappears, Emma is no longer the Dark One and is back to her normal self. She steps back and removes the sword from him, which quickly disintegrates. Emma then turns back to Hook and sees that the wound on his neck has re-opened) Emma: (Reaches for the wound) Oh, no. (Hook collapses, as he attempts to point at Mr Gold, sensing that something is off. Emma catches him and lowers him to the ground, but Hook passes away before she has the chance to lay him comfortably. As everyone watches on wards with sad looks on their faces, Emma sobs over his body, not letting go) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is now on a stretcher and the paramedics are getting ready to take his body away. Emma is still clutching his hand to her chest, not wanting to let go. As the paramedics begin to wheel away Hook's body, she starts to sob and doesn't let go of his hand until she has too. Emma turns to Mary Margaret, who says something in an attempt to comfort her, which is inaudible to the audience, before pulling Emma into a hug, David's arm also going around Emma. Regina, Robin and Henry watch from a distance, all wearing similar glum expressions) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The next day, Gold sits behind the desk in his shop, drinking wine from a glass when he hears the sound of a door opening). Mr Gold: Get out. We're closed. Belle: Rumple. (Closes the door and appears in the doorway). Mr Gold: (Stands up, surprised to see her) What are you doing here? Belle: (Hurriedly walks and stops in front of him) H-Henry called. He told me everything. You lied to me... again. Mr Gold: Belle, I... Belle: (Pulls him into a kiss) For the first time, you were truly selfless. You know, I don't need to see the world to know what I want anymore. What I want is to be with you. (Kisses him again) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is laying on the couch in what should have been her and Hook's home. She looks grief-stricken as she stares up at the ceiling, holding Hook's ring in her fingers. After a few moments, the whispers of the dagger can be heard, and she sits up, looking confused, before standing) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold finishes getting dressed, and Belle is still asleep in bed. His phone goes off and it's a text from Emma saying, "Meet me at your shop, now") [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is waiting at the counter in Gold's shop, when the door opens and Mr Gold enters and closes the door behind him) Mr Gold: Now, you see. This isn't the library or Granny's or some bus station, Miss Swan. This is my shop. Unless the sign says "open"... you're not invited. (As he says this, he walks towards her and stands behind the counter) Emma: I think I was invited. I hear whispering. It's the dagger. It's calling to me. Mr Gold: You're upset, imagining things. Emma: (Insistent) No, I'm not. It's here, isn't it? You have it, don't you? Mr Gold: Yes, I do. (Takes the dagger out of a rag and lays it on the counter top, which once again has "Rumplestiltskin" written across it.) Emma: (Looks shocked) You are the Dark One. Again. Mr Gold: Yes. Had hoped to keep that secret. Wasn't expecting you to hear it. But then, most ex-Dark Ones are dead. Emma: How is this possible? Mr Gold: When you came to me, asking for the sword, I seen an opportunity. A chance I had never imagined would present itself again. As fate would have it, a small vial of magic was close at hand. One sprinkle... and I knew I could get it all back. I turned the sword into a conduit. So that while Hook thought he was destroying the darkness, he was actually... moving it. Channelling it someplace safe. (As Mr Gold says this, a sequence is shown of him pulling Excalibur out of the cupboard and pouring a potion of the sword. Emma stabbing Hook is also seen) Emma: Into you. Mr Gold: He had no idea. And now... things are as they should be. Emma: Hook sacrificed himself, and you took that from him! (Angry and goes to strike him with her magic) Mr Gold: (Uses his magic to stop her) Do you honestly think that you can hurt me? I now have the combined power of every Dark One who ever lived... including you. Emma: You found a loophole, betrayed us all again. Mr Gold: It's what I do. It's the man I am. Emma: Well, then, Dark One... now that you have your power back... you're going to do something for me. Mr Gold: And why would I do anything for you? Emma: Because I still have magic. And I'm willing to bet I can get to Belle and tell her everything before you can kill me. Mr Gold: Don't test me. Emma: (Threatening and there are tears in her eyes) Don't test me. You really want to take that chance? That she will, once again... know the kind of man you really are? Mr Gold: What do you want, Miss Swan? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is now at the Blanchard apartment. Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin and Henry are there) Mary Margaret: (Shocked) You're going to hell? Emma: The underworld. David: That's quite a distinction. Emma: I'm getting him back. This isn't fair to Killian. Gold tricked him. Everything he gave up was based on a lie. David: Emma, you know how this works. It's a one-for-one trade. To get him back, someone else will have to die. Mary Margaret: And you just got back from being the Dark One. You can't give in to darkness again. Emma: (Softly) I won't. I'm giving in to love. I'm doing this right. I learned my lesson. I'm taking a page out of your book. You two share a heart. So will we. Regina: It could work. Emma: (Insistent) It will work. Robin Hood: Uh, forgive me if I'm missing the obvious, but, um, how does one get to the underworld? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's night time now, and Emma, Mr Gold, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin and Henry are by the same lake where Charon appears. Emma and Gold are by the waters edge) Emma: Do it. Mr Gold: (Sighs and cuts his hand on the dagger) Are you sure about this? Emma: Do it. (Mr Gold turns his hand so the blood drops into the water. The fog and Charon appears. An invisible walk way in the water comes. Emma steps onto it first once again holding Hook's ring in her hand, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin, Henry and Mr Gold follow, and the group walks towards the boat.) Emma: Hook, I will find you. I will always find you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ End ]

Plan: A: the Enchanted Forest; Q: Where did Hook's father abandon him? A: his father; Q: Who did Hook kill? A: a young boy; Q: When Hook's father abandoned him, what was he? A: Regina; Q: Who sends Zelena back to Oz? A: the Underworld; Q: Where did Hook send Emma's family and friends? A: the resurrected Dark Ones; Q: Who does Hook and Nimue want to stay in Storybrooke? A: his memories; Q: What reminds Hook of the man he wants to be? A: Excalibur; Q: What does Hook turn on the previous Dark Ones? A: the darkness; Q: What does Emma discover Gold used the situation to tether? A: her daughter; Q: Who did Zelena try to get sole custody of? Summary: Back in the Enchanted Forest, Hook's feelings about his father abandoning him as a young boy lead to Hook killing him when Regina recruits him to kill Cora. In Storybrooke, as Hook and Nimue prepare to send Emma's family and friends to the Underworld to allow the resurrected Dark Ones to stay, his memories remind him of the man he wants to be. When he realizes what will happen if he goes through with it, Hook turns Excalibur on the previous Dark Ones and asks Emma to sacrifice him with Excalibur, saving everyone and returning Emma to normal. Emma discovers Gold used the situation to tether the darkness back into himself, leading Emma to blackmail Gold into helping her bring Hook back from the Underworld. Meanwhile, Regina sends Zelena back to Oz, after Zelena attempted to get sole custody of her daughter.

Recap of "The Pandorica Opens" 1,894 years later.... EXT NIGHT. A child's windmill is turning. Pan across an overgrown garden with a slightly dilapidated shed, abandoned tools, a park bench and a swing set. We see a modest house through an arbour and follow through. We hear a young girl's voice. GIRL: Dear Santa, thank you for the dolls and pencils and the fish. It's Easter now, so I hope I didn't wake you. INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT AMELIA Pond is kneeling beside her bed, eyes closed, saying her prayers. AMELIA: But honest, it is an emergency. There's a crack in my wall. (turns to wall where there is a crack spreading across it. Returns to prayer) Aunt Sharon says it's just an ordinary crack, but... I know it's not, because, at night, there's voices. So please, please, could you send someone to fix it? Or a policeman. Or... We hear the sound of rushing wind. AMELIA: Back in a moment. She gets up from the floor, picks up a torch from the nightstand, runs to the window and pulls back the curtain to look outside. There is nothing out there. She looks up at the sky and sees the moon, but there are no stars. INT. PARLOR, NIGHT AMELIA is sting facing her Aunt SHARON and a psychiatrist, CHRISTINE. CHRISTINE is looking at a painting of the night sky, complete with stars. CHRISTINE: It's a lovely painting, Amelia. And what are all these? AMELIA: Stars. SHARON: Oh, Amelia! CHRISTINE: Tell you what, shall we go outside? EXT. NIGHT CHRISTINE: What do you see, Amelia? AMELIA: The moon. CHRISTINE: And what else? AMELIA: Just the dark. CHRISTINE: But no stars. If there were stars up there, we'd be able to see them, wouldn't we? Amelia, look at me. (faces AMELIA) You know this is all just a story, don't you? You know there's no such thing as stars. AMELIA says nothing but looks up at the sky. INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT AMELIA is lying in bed listening to her aunt and the psychiatrist. INT. HALL, NIGHT AMELIA walks slowly to the top of the stairs. The voice are much clearer. She watches as they cross from the kitchen to the parlor. CHRISTINE: It's quite common, actually. Throughout history, people have talked about stars in the sky. God knows where it comes from. SHARON: I just don't want her growing up and joining one of those Star Cults. I don't trust that Richard Dawkins. Just as she stands to go back to her room, a figure outside slips something through the letter slot. AMELIA runs down the stairs. It is a brochure for the National Museum. She opens it and center of the page, circled, is the Pandorica. On the back is a note written in red ink: "Come along, Pond". EXT. MUSEUM, DAY AMELIA and SHARON walk up the steps into the museum. INT. MUSEUM FOYER, DAY AMELIA tugs SHARON through the foyer and past a number of exhibits. INT. EXHIBIT HALL, DAY AMELIA: Come on, Aunt Sharon. SHARON: Look at that! That's good, isn't it? AMELIA: Not that! This way. SHARON: But we're not looking at anything. AMELIA: This way! AMELIA sees the room housing the Pandorica and breaks free from SHARON'S grip. On the way, she sees two strange creatures encased in stone. Daleks. SHARON: Amelia! INT. PANDORICA ROOM, DAY AMELIA pushes her way forward to stare at the Pandorica and, as she goes to drink her soda, the cup is grabbed from her hand. She turns around to see who took it but she can't see anyone with her drink. When she turns back, there is a yellow Post-it note stuck on the Pandorica. "Stick around, Pond". SHARON: Amelia! AMELIA hides as SHARON enters the room. SHARON: Amelia? Amelia? (leaves) Amelia! As the day goes on, the crowd in the room thins out. An announcement is made over the tannoy. TANNOY: Amelia Pond, please go to the reception, please. Your aunt is waiting for you there. Amelia Pond, please go to... INT. EXHIBIT HALL, NIGHT AMELIA comes out of hiding from one of the exhibits, knocking part of it down. AMELIA: Sorry. INT. PANDORICA ROOM, NIGHT She walks down the hall towards the Pandorica exhibit, the displays a little creepier now in the night. She ducks under the cord surrounding the Pandorica and removes the note. She places a hand on the object and it begins to glow green. Hearing mechanical noises, she ducks back and watches as it opens. The beam from the light expands to the outer exhibits, including one of the Daleks. Inside the Pandorica is AMY. AMY: OK, kid. This is where it gets complicated. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "The Big Band" by Steven Moffat Producer Peter Bennett Director Toby Haynes [SCENE_BREAK] 1,894 years previously... EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The RORY duplicate is resting against a log, AMY'S body across his lap. RORY: So the universe ended. You missed that. In 102 AD. I suppose this means you and I never get born at all. Twice, in my case. You would have laughed at that. Please laugh! The Doctor said the universe was huge and ridiculous, and sometimes there were miracles. I could do with a ridiculous miracle about now. The DOCTOR appears wearing a red fez and carrying a mop. DOCTOR: Rory! Listen, she's not dead. Well, she is dead, but it's not the end of the world. Well, it is the end of the world. Actually, it's the end of the universe. Oh, no. Hang on! (taps coordinates into RIVER'S vortex manipulator and disappears) RORY: Doctor? Doctor! The DOCTOR reappears without the mop. DOCTOR: You need to get me out of the Pandorica. (reaches into pocket and pulls out sonic screwdriver) RORY: You're not in the Pandorica. DOCTOR: Yes, I am. Well, I'm not now, but I was back then. Well, back now from your point of view, which is back then from my point of view. Time travel, you can't keep it straight in your head. It's easy to open from the outside... just point and press. Now go. (hands RORY the screwdriver and disappears only to reappear) Oh, when you're done, leave my screwdriver in her top pocket. Good luck! (disappears) RORY: What do you mean? Done what? INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT RORY uses the screwdriver top open the Pandorica. The DOCTOR is sitting inside and looks at him, amazed. DOCTOR: How did you do that? RORY: You gave me this. (holds up screwdriver) DOCTOR: (pulls out screwdriver) No, I didn't. RORY: You did. Look at it. The DOCTOR steps out and holds his sonic screwdriver to the one in RORY'S hand. They spark. DOCTOR: Temporal energy. Same screwdriver, at different points in its own time stream. Which means it was me who gave it to you. Me from the future. I've got a future, that's nice. (looks behind RORY at the petrified remains of his enemies) That's not. RORY: Yeah. What are they? DOCTOR: History has collapsed. Whole races have been deleted from existence. These are just like after-images. Echoes, fossils in time. The footprints of the never-were. RORY: Er, what does that mean? DOCTOR: Total event collapse. The universe literally never happened. RORY: So, how can we be here? What's keeping us safe? DOCTOR: Nothing. Eye of the storm, that's all. We're just the last light to go out. Amy. Where's Amy? EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT RORY takes the DOCTOR to AMY'S body. The DOCTOR squats down beside it and lifts back the blanket covering her. RORY: I killed her. DOCTOR: Oh, Rory! RORY: Doctor, what am I? DOCTOR: You're a Nestene duplicate. A lump of plastic with delusions of humanity. (uses sonic on AMY) RORY: But I'm Rory now. Whatever was happening, it's stopped. I'm Rory! DOCTOR: That's software talking. RORY: Can you help her? Is there anything you can do? DOCTOR: Yeah, probably, if I had the time. (stands) RORY: The time?! DOCTOR: All of creation has just been wiped from the sky. Do you know how many lives now never happened? All the people who never lived? Your girlfriend isn't more important than the whole universe. RORY whips the DOCTOR around and punches him, knocking the Time Lord to the ground. RORY: She is to me! DOCTOR: (stands and laughs) Welcome back, Rory Williams! Sorry, had to be sure. Hell of a gun-arm you're packing there. Right, we need to get her downstairs. And take that look off your plastic face. You're getting married in the morning! INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR and RORY place AMY in the Pandorica. RORY: So you've got a plan, then? DOCTOR: Bit of a plan, yeah. Memories are more powerful than you think, and Amy Pond is not an ordinary girl. Grew up with a time crack in her wall. The universe pouring through her dreams every night. The Nestenes took a memory print of her and got more than they bargained for. Like you. Not just your face, but your heart and your soul. (places his hands to either side of her face and closes his eyes) I'm leaving her a message for when she wakes up, so she knows what's happening. The DOCTOR uses the sonic to close the Pandorica. RORY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? DOCTOR: Saving her. This is the ultimate prison. You can't even escape by dying. It forces you to stay alive. RORY: But she's already dead. DOCTOR: Mostly dead. The Pandorica can stasis-lock her that way. All it needs is a scan of her living DNA and it'll restore her. RORY: Where's it going to get that? DOCTOR: (looks at watch) In about 2,000 years. RORY: You gave me this. (holds up screwdriver) INT. PANDORICA ROOM, NIGHT AMY falls on all fours, gasping heavily. AMELIA: Are you all right? Who are you? AMY: (sits on the floor) I'm... fine. I'm supposed to... rest. Got to rest, the Doctor says. AMELIA: What doctor? AMY: He's in here. (taps head) Left a message in my head like I'm an answerphone. Where am I? (looks around) Hang on. National Museum, right? I was here once when I was a little... Yeah, complicated. (stands in front of AMELIA) Let's see, it's what...(puts hand on AMELIA'S head and measures against her body) 1996? (walks around the room) AMELIA: Who are you? AMY: It's a long story. (sees a panel depicting the history of the Pandorica) A very long story. INT. UNDERHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR takes the vortex manipulator from RIVER'S bag. RORY: She's going to be in that box for 2,000 years?! DOCTOR: Yeah, but we're taking a shortcut. River's vortex manipulator. Rubbish way to time travel, but the universe is tiny now. We'll be fine. RORY: So the future's still there, then? Our world? DOCTOR: A version of it. Not quite the one you know. Earth alone in the sky. Let's go and have a look. (holds arm out) You put your hand there. Don't worry, should be safe. RORY: That's not what I'm worried about. DOCTOR: She'll be fine. Nothing can get into this box. RORY: You got in there. DOCTOR: Well, there's only one of me. I counted. RORY: This box needs a guard. I killed the last one. DOCTOR: No. Rory, no. Don't even think about it. RORY: She'll be all alone. DOCTOR: She won't feel it. RORY: You bet she won't! DOCTOR: 2,000 years, Rory. You won't even sleep, you'd be conscious every second. It would drive you mad. RORY: Will she be safer if I stay? Look me in the eye and tell me she wouldn't be safer. DOCTOR: (sighs) Rory... RORY: Answer me! DOCTOR: Yes. Obviously. RORY: Then how could I leave her? DOCTOR: Why do you have to be so...human? RORY: Because right now, I'm not. RORY walks to the other side of the Pandorica and the DOCTOR begins pressing buttons on the manipulator. DOCTOR: Listen to me. This is the last bit of advice you're going to get in a very long time. You're living plastic, but not immortal. I have no idea how long you'll last. And you're not indestructible. Stay away from heat and radio signals when they come along. RORY puts on his helmet. DOCTOR: You can't heal, or repair yourself. Any damage is permanent. So, for God's sake, however bored you get, stay out of... The DOCTOR disappears. Alone, RORY pulls out his sword and takes up his long vigil. NARRATOR: (V.O.) According to legend, wherever the Pandorica was taken, throughout its long history, the Centurion would be there, guarding it. INT. PANDORICA ROOM, NIGHT AMY watches a video presentation on the Pandorica and its guardian. NARRATOR: (V.O.) He appears as an iconic image in the artwork of many cultures, and there are several documented accounts of his appearances and his warnings to the many who attempted to open the box before its time. His last recorded appearance was during the London blitz in 1941. The warehouse where the Pandorica was stored was destroyed by incendiary bombs, but the box itself was found the next morning, a safe distance from the blaze. There are eyewitness accounts from the night of the fire of a figure in Roman dress, carrying the box from the flames. (tears fall down AMY'S cheeks) Since then, there have been no sightings of the Lone Centurion, and many have speculated that if he ever existed, he perished in the fires of that night, performing one last act of devotion to the box he had pledged to protect for nearly 2,000 years. AMY: Rory. Oh, Rory. DALEK: Exterminate! AMY and AMELIA turn to the room's entrance. AMELIA: What's that? AMY runs and pushes AMELIA behind her as the DALEK moves towards them. DALEK: Exterminate! The DOCTOR appears between AMY and the DALEK. DOCTOR: ...Trouble. (sees the DALEK) Oh! (sees AMY and AMELIA) Two of you? Complicated. DALEK: Exterminate! 'Weapons systems restoring. DOCTOR: (takes AMY and AMELIA by the hand) Come along, Ponds. (runs) DALEK: Exterminate! The DOCTOR stops at an alcove display representing North Africa. He stumbles into one of the mannequins and takes the fez from its head. AMY: What are we doing? DOCTOR: Running into a dead end, where I'll have a brilliant plan, that basically involves not being in one. A night WATCHMAN appears with a torch. The DOCTOR, AMY and AMELIA hide behind the Pandorica. WATCHMAN: What's going on? DOCTOR: (to AMY) Get out of here. Go! Just run! (she doesn't leave) The DALEK turns to the WATCHMAN. DALEK: Drop the device DOCTOR: It's not a weapon. Scan it. It's not a weapon, and you don't have the power to waste! DALEK: Scans indicate intruder unarmed. WATCHMAN: Do you think? The WATCHMAN drops the torch and his hand opens to reveal a gun. He fires at the DALEK'S eyestalk. DALEK: Vision impaired! Vision... The WATCHMAN moves out of the shadows and we see it is RORY. He watches as the DALEK is drained of energy. The DOCTOR arrives from the Pandorica room, his sonic at the ready. AMY is behind him. RORY: Amy? AMY: Rory! (runs to him and they hug) RORY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. It just happened. AMY: Oh, Shut up. (kisses him) DOCTOR: (comes up between them) Yeah, shut up, cos we've got to go. Come on! RORY: I waited. 2,000 years, I waited for you. AMY: No, still shut up. (long kiss) DOCTOR: And break! And breathe! Well, somebody didn't get out much for 2,000 years. AMELIA: (tugs on the DOCTOR'S sleeve) I'm thirsty. Can I get a drink? DOCTOR: Oh, it's all mouths today, isn't it?! The DOCTOR puts the fez on her head but she shoves it back at him. He looks back at the DALEK. DOCTOR: The light! The light from the Pandorica, it must have hit the Dalek. (he sees the DALEK'S weapon move) Out, out, out! (rushes AMY and RORY out and grabs AMELIA'S hand) INT. MUSEUM FOYER, NIGHT RORY closes the door behind them and the DOCTOR sonics the lock. DOCTOR: So, 2,000 years. How did you do? RORY: Kept out of trouble. DOCTOR: Oh. (realizes he still has the fez and puts it on his head) How? RORY: Unsuccessfully. The DOCTOR picks up a mop, planning to use it to block the door. RORY: The mop! That's how you looked all those years ago when you gave me the sonic. DOCTOR: Ah! Well, no time to lose then. (activates the manipulator and disappears) EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR appears wearing a red fez and carrying a mop. DOCTOR: Rory! Listen, she's not dead. Well, she is dead, but it's not the end of the world. INT. MUSEUM FOYER, NIGHT The DOCTOR reappears. DOCTOR: Oops, sorry. (uses the mop to block the door) AMELIA: (to AMY) How can he do that? Is he magic? The DOCTOR disappears again. EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR reappears without the mop. DOCTOR: You need to get me out of the Pandorica. (reaches into pocket and pulls out sonic screwdriver) RORY: You're not in the Pandorica. DOCTOR: Yes, I am. Well, I'm not now, but I was back then. INT. MUSEUM FOYER, NIGHT The DOCTOR reappears. DOCTOR: Right, let's go then. (heads up the stairs and stops) Wait! Now I don't have the sonic, I just gave it Rory 2,000 years ago. (taps on manipulator) EXT. STONEHENGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: Oh, when you're done, leave my screwdriver in her top pocket. (disappears) INT. MUSEUM FOYER, NIGHT DOCTOR: Right then. (reaches into AMY'S pocket and pulls out screwdriver) Off we go! No, hang on. (to AMELIA) How did you know to come here? AMELIA reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out the pamphlet and the sticky note. DOCTOR: Ah, my handwriting. OK! The DOCTOR rushes to a stand and grabs a pamphlet before rushing a desk to grab the note. He then activates the manipulator. INT. HALL, NIGHT The museum pamphlet slips through the letterbox and we see the DOCTOR in the fez sneaks away. INT. PANDORICA ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR grabs AMELIA'S drink from her hand before disappearing. INT. MUSEUM FOYER, NIGHT The DOCTOR reappears and gives AMELIA her drink. DOCTOR: There you go, drink up! AMY: What is that? How are you doing that? DOCTOR: Vortex manipulator...cheap and nasty time travel. Very bad for you. I'm trying to give it up. AMY: Where are we going? DOCTOR: The roof. At the top of the landing, another DOCTOR appears, his jacket smoking. He falls down the stairs and rolls to a stop. The Present DOCTOR rushes over and uses the sonic on him. RORY: Doctor, it's you. How can it be you? AMY: Doctor, is that you? DOCTOR: Yeah, it's me. Me from the future. Future DOCTOR opens his eyes, sits up, grabs the Present DOCTOR and whispers in his ear before falling back to the floor unconscious. AMY: Are you... I mean, is he... Is he dead? DOCTOR: What? (stands) Dead? Yes, yes. Of course he's dead. (climbs over body and goes up the stairs) Right, I've got 12 minutes, that's good. AMY: 12 minutes to live? How is that good? DOCTOR: You can do loads in 12 minutes... suck a mint, buy a sledge, have a fast bath. Come on, the roof! RORY: We can't leave you here, dead. DOCTOR: Oh, good! Are you in charge now? So, tell me, what are we going to do about Amelia? RORY turns around and AMELIA is gone. The cup from her drink lying on the floor. AMY: Where did she go? RORY and AMY runs down the steps. RORY: Amelia? DOCTOR: There is no Amelia. From now on, there never was. History is still collapsing. AMY: How can I be here, if she's not? DOCTOR: You're an anomaly. We all are. We're all hanging on at the eye of the storm, but the eye is closing, and if we don't do something, reality will never have happened. Today, just dying is a result. Now, come on! (heads off) AMY: (shakes her head) He won't die. Time can be rewritten. He'll find a way. I know he will. RORY covers Future DOCTOR with his jacket. DOCTOR: Move it. Come on! AMY and RORY run up the stairs after the DOCTOR. The camera pans down and we see a bright light under the door to the exhibits. DALEK: Restore! INT. PANDORICA ROOM, NIGHT The DALEK has replenished its energy. EXT. MUSEUM ROOF, MORNING The DOCTOR climbs out of the stairwell and onto the roof. AMY and RORY follow. AMY: What, it's morning already? How did that happen? DOCTOR: History is shrinking. Is anybody listening to me? Universe is collapsing. We don't have much time left. (uses sonic on a satellite dish) RORY: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Looking for the TARDIS. RORY: But the TARDIS exploded. DOCTOR: OK, then. I'm looking for an exploding TARDIS. (removes the dish from its mounting) AMY: I don't understand. So, the TARDIS blew up and took the universe with it. Why would it do that? How? DOCTOR: (stands on raised section of roof) Good question for another day. But for now... total event collapse means that every star in the universe never happened. Not one of them ever shone. So, if all the stars that ever were are gone, then what is that? (points to a large ball of fire in the sky) Like I said, I'm looking for an exploding TARDIS. RORY: But that's the sun. DOCTOR: Is it? Here's the noise that sun is making right now. (holds up the dish and amplifies the sound of the TARDIS with the sonic) That's my TARDIS burning up. That's what's been keeping the Earth warm. RORY: Doctor, there's something else. There's a voice. The DOCTOR adjusts the settings of the screwdriver. AMY: I can't hear anything. RORY: Trust the plastic. RIVER: I'm sorry, my love. (repeats) AMY: Doctor, that's River. How can she be up there? RORY: It must be like a recording or something. DOCTOR: No, it's not a recording. Of course, the emergency protocols... The TARDIS has sealed off the control room and put her into a time loop to save her. She is right at the heart of the explosion. INT. TARDIS RIVER connects the wires as the TARDIS continues to spark and explode. Her attempt to open the door sets more sparks flying from the console. She opens the doors to the TARDIS only to be met by a stone wall. RIVER: I'm sorry, my love. She looks back over her shoulder as the console explodes with a bright light. The sequence starts over again. The DOCTOR appears as she runs to the door. DOCTOR: Hi, honey. I'm home. RIVER: (looks at her watch) And what sort of time do you call this? EXT. MUSEUM ROOF, MORNING The DOCTOR reappears on the roof with RIVER. RIVER: Amy! And the plastic Centurion? DOCTOR: It's OK, he's on our side. RIVER: Really? I dated a Nestene duplicate once... swappable head, it did keep things fresh. Right then, I have questions. But number one is this... What in the name of sanity have you got on your head? DOCTOR: It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. With a look from RIVER, AMY grabs the fez from the DOCTOR'S head and throws it into the sky and RIVER shoots it. DOCTOR: Oh! DALEK: Exterminate! The DALEK appears, levitating up the side of the building. DOCTOR: Run, run, move, move. Go! Come on! The DOCTOR covers their retreat by holding up the satellite dish as a shield as the DALEK fires. They climb back through the stairwell. INT. MUSEUM STAIRWELL, MORNING The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver to seal the hatch. RIVER has he gun aimed at it, just in case. RIVER: Doctor, come on. DOCTOR: Shh. It's moving away, finding another way in. (climbs down ladder) It needs to restore its power before it can attack again. Now, that means we've got exactly (checks watch) four and a half minutes before it's at lethal capacity. (continues down stairs) RORY: How do you know? DOCTOR: Because that's when it's due to kill me. RIVER: Kill you? What do you mean, kill you? DOCTOR: Oh, shut up, never mind. How can that Dalek even exist? INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY, MORNING DOCTOR: It was erased from time and then it came back. How? RORY: You said the light from the Pandorica... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EXHIBIT HALL, MORNING DOCTOR: It's not a light, it's a restoration field, but never mind. Call it a light. That light brought Amy back, but how could it bring back a Dalek when the Daleks have never existed? AMY: OK, tell us. DOCTOR: When the TARDIS blew up, it caused a total event collapse. A time explosion. It blasted every atom in every moment of the universe. Except... AMY: Except inside the Pandorica. DOCTOR: The perfect prison. Inside it, perfectly preserved, a few billion atoms of the universe as it was. In theory, you could extrapolate the whole universe from a single one of them, like cloning a body from a single cell. And we've got the bumper family pack. RORY: No, too fast, I'm not getting it. DOCTOR: The box contains a memory of the universe, and the light transmits the memory. And that's how we're going to do it. AMY: Do what? DOCTOR: Relight the fire. Reboot the universe. Come on! (continues on) AMY and RORY exchange looks as RIVER catches up to the DOCTOR. RIVER: Doctor, you're being completely ridiculous. INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY, MORNING RIVER: The Pandorica partially restored one Dalek. If it can't even reboot a single life form properly, how will it reboot the whole of reality? DOCTOR: What if we give it a moment of infinite power? Transmit the light from the Pandorica to every particle of space and time simultaneously? RIVER: Well, that would be lovely, dear, but we can't, because it's completely impossible. DOCTOR: Ah, no, you see, it's not. (taps her on the forehead) It's ALMOST completely impossible. One spark is all we need. RIVER: For what? DOCTOR: (whispers) Big Bang Two! Now listen... The DOCTOR is shot by the DALEK and falls to the floor. The DALEK trundles down the hall. DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate! RIVER kneels at the DOCTOR'S side as RORY takes AMY out of the way. RORY: Get back. River, get back now! DALEK: Exterminate! RORY fires at the DALEK and it is drained of energy again. RIVER: Doctor. Doctor, it's me, River. Can you hear me? What is it? What do you need? Struggling, the DOCTOR activates the manipulator. RIVER: Where did he go? Damn it, he could be anywhere. AMY: He went downstairs. 12 minutes ago. RIVER: Show me! AMY: River, he died. DALEK: Systems restoring! You will be exterminated! RORY: We've got to move. That thing's coming back to life. RIVER: You go to the Doctor. I'll be right with you. AMY and RORY leave. DALEK: You will be exterminated! RIVER: Not yet, your systems are still restoring. Which means your shield density is compromised. (takes gun from holster and adjusts settings) One Alpha Mezon burst through your eyestalk would kill you stone dead. DALEK: Records indicate you will show mercy. You are an associate of the Doctor's. RIVER: I'm River Song. (aims gun) Check your records again. DALEK: Mercy! RIVER: Say it again. DALEK: Mercy! RIVER: One more time. DALEK: Mercy! INT. MUSEUM FOYER, DAY AMY and RORY arrive on the stairs where they left the DOCTOR'S "body". RORY'S jacket is still there, but no body. RORY: How could he have moved? He was dead! (runs down the stairs) Doctor? Doctor! AMY: But he was dead! RIVER joins them. RIVER: Who told you that? AMY: He did. RIVER: (walks calmly down stairs) Rule one. The Doctor lies. AMY: Where's the Dalek? RIVER: It died. INT. EXHIBIT HALL, DAY RIVER, AMY and RORY make their way through the exhibit hall. Ahead of them, AMY sees the DOCTOR inside the Pandorica. AMY: Doctor! INT. PANDORICA ROOM, DAY RORY and AMY stop while RIVER goes to check on the DOCTOR. RORY: Why did he tell us he was dead? AMY: We were a diversion. Long as the Dalek was chasing us, he could work down here. RIVER: Doctor, can you hear me? What were you doing? The camera pans up and we see the "sun" is closer, brighter. RORY: What's happening? RIVER: Reality's collapsing. It's speeding up. Look at this room. The displays are empty. AMY: Where did everything go? RIVER: History is being erased. Time is running out. Doctor, what were you doing? Tell us! Doctor? DOCTOR: (slowly comes to) Big... Bang... Two. RORY: The Big Bang. That's the beginning of the universe, right? AMY: What, and Big Bang Two is the bang that brings it back? Is that what you mean? The DOCTOR gives a small nod. RIVER: Oh! AMY: What? RIVER: The TARDIS is still burning. It's exploding at every point in history. If you threw the Pandorica into the explosion, right into the heart of the fire... AMY: Then what? RIVER: Then let there be light. The light from the Pandorica would explode everywhere at once, just like he said. AMY: That would work? That would bring everything back? RIVER: A restoration field, powered by an exploding TARDIS, happening at every moment in history. Oh, that's brilliant. It might even work! (pulls out sonic screwdriver and runs it along the wires) He's wired the vortex manipulator to the rest of the box. AMY: Why? RIVER: So he can take it with him. He's going to fly the Pandorica into the heart of the explosion. The sky is now a brilliant orange. AMY and RORY are standing together, just watching. RORY: Are you OK? AMY: Are you? RORY: No. AMY: Well, shut up then! RORY takes her in a hug. RIVER comes out of the Pandorica. RIVER: Amy... He wants to talk to you. AMY: So, what happens here? Big Bang Two? What happens to us? RIVER: We all wake up where we ought to be. None of this ever happens and we don't remember it. AMY: River... tell me he comes back, too. RIVER: The Doctor will be the heart of the explosion. AMY: So? RIVER: So all the cracks in time will close, but he'll be on the wrong side... Trapped in the never-space, the void between the worlds. All memory of him will be purged from the universe. He will never have been born. Now, please. He wants to talk to you before he goes. AMY: Not to you? RIVER: He doesn't really know me yet. Now he never will. AMY walks slowly to the Pandorica AMY: Hi. DOCTOR: (weakly) Amy Pond. The girl who waited. All night in your garden. Was it worth it? AMY: Shut up. Of course it was. DOCTOR: You asked me why I was taking you with me and I said..."No reason". I was lying. AMY: It's not important. DOCTOR: Yeah, it's the most important thing left in the universe. It's why I'm doing this. Amy, your house was too big. That big, empty house. And just you. AMY: And Aunt Sharon. DOCTOR: Where were your mum and dad? Where was... everybody who lived in that big house? AMY: I lost my Mum and Dad. DOCTOR: How? What happened to them? Where did they go? AMY: I... I don't... DOCTOR: It's OK. Don't panic. It's not your fault. AMY: I don't even remember. DOCTOR: There was a crack in time in the wall of your bedroom and it's been eating away at your life for a long time now. Amy Pond, all alone. The girl who didn't make sense. How could I resist? AMY: How could I just forget? DOCTOR: Nothing is ever forgotten, not really. But you have to try. The ground shakes RIVER: Doctor! It's speeding up! AMY places the sonic screwdriver in his pocket. DOCTOR: There's going to be a very big bang. Big Bang Two. Try and remember your family and they'll be there. AMY: How can I remember them if they never existed? DOCTOR: Because... you're special. That crack in your wall, all that time, the universe pouring into your head. You brought Rory back...you can bring them back, too. You just remember, and they'll be there. AMY: (backs away) YOU won't. DOCTOR: You'll have your family back. You won't need your imaginary friend any more. (laughs weakly) Amy Pond... crying over me, eh? Guess what? AMY: What? DOCTOR: Gotcha. The Pandorica closes. AMY walks slowly backwards, not taking her eyes from the Pandorica. The Pandorica begins to glow. RIVER: Back! Get back! (pushes AMY out of the way) The Pandorica launches into the sky. INT. PANDORICA The DOCTOR sends a message via his communicator before dropping it to the floor as the pain increases. INT. PANDORICA ROOM, DAY RIVER, RORY and AMY are sitting on the floor against a wall. RIVER receives the message on her communicator. RIVER: It's from the Doctor. (looks skyward) AMY: What does it say? RIVER: "Geronimo." INT. PANDORICA The DOCTOR rides through the g-force as the Pandorica shoots on its collision course with the TARDIS. SPACE When the TARDIS and Pandorica meet, space explodes. And, just as suddenly, time reverses. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR wakes up on the floor and sits up. DOCTOR: Oh! OK. I escaped, then. Brilliant! Love it when I do that. Legs, yes. Bow tie, cool. I can buy a fez. The DOCTOR gets up when he hears his voice and AMY'S. PAST DOCTOR: The beach. The beach is the best. Automatic sand. PAST AMY: Automatic sand? What does that mean? PAST DOCTOR: It's automated, totally. The DOCTOR walks around and sees himself and AMY dressed for the beach. DOCTOR: Oh. PAST DOCTOR: Cleans up the lolly sticks... DOCTOR: No, hang on! That's last week when we went to Space Florida. I'm rewinding. My.. My time stream... unravelling, erasing. Closing. (looks at monitor and sees the crack closing) Hello, universe, goodbye, Doctor. Amy? (PAST AMY turns around) Amy? EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET, DAY The DOCTOR'S timeline rewinds further until he "arrives" outside the flat he shared with Craig. AMY crosses the street in front of him. DOCTOR: Ah, three weeks ago, when she put the card in the window. Amy! (she looks up) I need to tell you something. She can hear me! But if she can hear me... The DOCTOR turns around to see the crack in the road. Time rewinds again. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING The DOCTOR arrives in a hollow and hears himself as he leaves to find the primary flight deck. PAST DOCTOR: Good luck everyone. Behave. Do not let that girl open her eyes. And keep watching the forest. Stop those Angels advancing. Amy, later! (taps her on the head) River, going to need your computer. (leaves) The DOCTOR approaches PAST AMY and puts his hands on hers. DOCTOR: Amy. you need to start trusting me, it's never been more important. PAST AMY: But you don't always tell me the truth. DOCTOR: If I always told you the truth, I wouldn't need you to trust me. PAST AMY: Doctor, the crack in my wall, how can it be here? DOCTOR: I don't know yet, but I'm working it out. (looks at past self) Now, listen. Remember what I told you when you were seven? PAST AMY: What did you tell me? DOCTOR: (rests his forehead against hers) No, no... That's not the point. You have to remember. (kisses her on the head and leaves) PAST AMY: Remember what? Doctor? Doctor? Time rewinds again. INT. HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR finds himself at AMY'S house. DOCTOR: Amelia's house. (checks watch) When she was seven. The night she waited. EXT. NIGHT The DOCTOR finds AMELIA curled up asleep on her suitcase. DOCTOR: The girl who waited. Come here, you. (carries her inside) INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR tucks AMELIA into bed and sits down in the chair next to the bed. DOCTOR: It's funny. I thought if you could hear me, I could hang on somehow. Silly me. Silly old Doctor. When you wake up, you'll have a mum and dad... And you won't even remember me. Well, you'll remember me a little. I'll be a story in your head. But that's OK. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? Cos it was, you know. It was the best. A daft old man who stole a magic box and ran away. Did I ever tell you that I stole it? Well, I borrowed it. I was always going to take it back. Oh, that box, Amy. You'll dream about that box. It'll never leave you. Big and little at the same time. Brand new and ancient. And the bluest blue ever. And the times we had, eh? Woulda had... Never had. In your dreams, they'll still be there. The Doctor and Amy Pond. And the days that never came. The cracks are closing. But they can't close properly until I'm on the other side. I don't belong here any more. I think I'll skip the rest of the rewind. I hate repeats. Live well. Love Rory.(kisses her head) Bye bye, Pond. (caresses her hair) The DOCTOR leaves and the crack closes behind him. AMELIA wakes, looks at the wall then settles back to sleep. Outside her window, the stars shine in the night sky. INT. BEDROOM, MORNING AMY slowly wakes up, and , as her eyes travel across the room, we see the "Raggedy Doctor" crafts before stopping at the wedding dress hanging on her closet door. TABETHA: Morning! AMY sits up with a gasp as a woman enters with a breakfast tray. AMY: You're my mum. Oh, my God, you're my mum. TABETHA: Well, of course I'm your mum. What's the matter with you? And this is your breakfast, which your father made, so feel free to tip it out of the window if it's an atrocity. Downstairs, 10 minutes? Big day! (leaves) AMY: Of course she's my mum. Why is that surprising? (gets out of bed) INT. PARLOR, MORNING AMY slowly enters the room. AUGUSTUS: Ah, Amelia. I fear I may have been using the same joke book as the best man. AMY: You're my tiny little dad! (runs over and hugs him) TABETHA: (enters) Amelia, why are you behaving as if you've never seen us before? AMY: I don't know. It's just... INT. RORY'S BATHROOM, MORNING RORY is brushing his teeth as he answers the phone. RORY: Hello! AMY: (over phone) Do you feel like you've forgotten something really important? INT. BEDROOM, MORNING AMY: Do you feel like there's a great big thing in your head, and you feel like you should remember it, but you can't? INT. RORY'S BATHROOM, MORNING RORY: Yep. INT. BEDROOM, MORNING AMY: Are you just saying yes cos you're scared of me? RORY: (over phone) Yep. AMY: I love you. RORY: (over phone) Yep. INT. RORY'S BATHROOM, MORNING RORY: I mean, I love you too! INT. BEDROOM, MORNING AMY turns off the phone, thinks for a moment, then rushes over and takes the dress down with a swirl. INT. RECEPTION HALL, DAY Everyone clasp as the BEST MAN has just finished his speech. BEST MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the father of the bride, Augustus Pond! AGUSTUS: (stands) Sorry, everyone. I'll be another two minutes. I'm just reviewing certain aspects. (sits) TABETHA: Your father, Amelia, will be the absolute death of me. Unless, of course, I strike pre-emptively. AMY laughs but stops as she sees a woman walk by the windows. It is RIVER. AMY stands, staring outside. RORY: Amy? You OK? AMY: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm... (sits) fine. RORY: Right. Er... You're crying. AMY: So I am. Why am I doing that? RORY: Because you're happy, probably. Happy Mrs Rory. Happy, happy, happy. AMY: No. I'm sad. I'm really, really sad. RORY: Great. AMY: Why am I sad? (looks down at the table in front of RORY) What's that? RORY: Oh, er, someone left it for you. A woman. RORY hands AMY RIVER'S journal. AMY: But what is it? RORY: It's a book. AMY: (flips through the journal) It's blank. RORY: It's a present. AMY: But why? RORY: Well, you know the old saying. The old... wedding... thing. Huh? AMY slowly begins to remember. RORY: Amy? AUGUSTUS: (stands) Ready now. Sorry about that. Last-minute adjustments to certain aspects. Now then, it hardly seems a year... Her father's speech fades as AMY looks around the room and sees one guest wearing a red bowtie and another with blue braces. A tear falls from her eye and lands on RIVER'S journal. AUGUSTUS: ...at the age of six and announced that the new headteacher wasn't real because she looked like a cartoon. AMY: (stands) Shut up, Dad! RORY: Amy? AUGUSTUS: Amelia? AMY: Sorry, but shut up, please! There's someone missing...someone important. Someone so, SO important. RORY: Amy, what's wrong? AMY: Sorry. Sorry, everyone. But when I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend. TABETHA: (sighs) Oh no, not this again. AMY: The raggedy Doctor. My raggedy Doctor. But he wasn't imaginary. He was real. TABETHA: The psychiatrists we sent her to! AMY: I remember you! I remember! I brought the others back, I can bring you home, too. Raggedy man, I remember you, and you are late for my wedding! In the silence, RORY hears the glasses start to tinkle against each other as the ground starts to shake. The chandelier begins to sway. AMY: I found you. I found you in words, like you knew I would. That's why you told me the story...the brand new, ancient blue box. Oh, clever. Very clever. The wind begins to blow and we hear the TARDIS. RORY: Amy, what is it? AMY: Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue. The TARDIS begins to materialize in the middle of the floor. RORY: It's the Doctor! The TARDIS solidifies and AMY climbs over the table to get to it. RORY: How did we forget the Doctor? I was plastic. He was the stripper at my stag. Long story. AMY: (knocks on TARDIS door) OK, Doctor. Did I surprise you this time? The TARDIS door opens and the DOCTOR is wearing a top hat with white tie and tails. A white scarf is loosely draped over his shoulders. DOCTOR: Er, yeah. Completely astonished. Never expected that. How lucky I happened to be wearing this old thing. (steps out onto the floor) Hello, everyone. I'm Amy's imaginary friend, but I came anyway. (shakes AUGUSTUS'S hand) AMY: You absolutely, definitely may kiss the bride. DOCTOR: (plants a finger on AMY'S puckered lips) Amelia! From now on, I shall be leaving the... kissing duties to the brand new Mr Pond. (shakes RORY'S hand) RORY: No, I'm not Mr Pond. That's not how it works. DOCTOR: Yeah, it is. RORY: Yeah, it is. DOCTOR: Right then, everyone. I'll move my box. You're going to need the space. (enters TARDIS) I only came for the dancing. LATER... The DOCTOR creates his own dance to Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". AMY: (laughs) You're terrible. That is embarrassing! That doesn't keep him from teaching the dance to all the children at the reception. DOCTOR: That's it. That's good. Keep it loose. AMY and RORY look on and laugh. STILL LATER... AMY and RORY slow dance to James Morrison's "You Give Me Something". The DOCTOR watches as he leans against a doorway. DOCTOR: 2,000 years. The boy who waited. Good on you, mate. EXT. POND HOUSE, NIGHT The DOCTOR heads back to the TARDIS. As he puts his key to the lock, someone speaks. RIVER: Did you dance? Well, you always dance at weddings, don't you? DOCTOR: You tell me. RIVER: Spoilers. DOCTOR: (hands her journal back) The writing's all back, but I didn't peek. RIVER: Thank you. DOCTOR: (gives back the manipulator) Are you married, River? RIVER: (puts manipulator on) Are you asking? DOCTOR: Yes. RIVER: Yes. DOCTOR: No, hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me, o- o-or asking if you were married? RIVER: Yes. DOCTOR: No, but was that "yes", or "yes"? RIVER: Yes. DOCTOR: River...who are you? RIVER: You're going to find out very soon now. And I'm sorry, but that's when everything changes. (activates manipulator and disappears) DOCTOR: Nah. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR dances up to the console. As he starts to handle the controls, the door opens and AMY walks in. AMY: Oi! Where are you off to? We haven't even had a snog in the shrubbery yet. RORY follows her in and shuts the door. RORY: Amy! AMY: Shut up... it's my wedding. RORY: OUR wedding. DOCTOR: Sorry, you two...shouldn't have slipped away. Bit busy, you know? RORY: You just saved the whole of space and time. Take the evening off. Maybe a bit of tomorrow. DOCTOR: Space and time isn't safe yet. The TARDIS exploded for a reason. Something drew the TARDIS to this particular date, and blew it up. (phone begins to ring) Why? And why now? The silence, whatever it is, is still out there, and I have to...Excuse me a moment. (answers phone) Hello. Oh! Hello. I'm sorry, this is a very bad line. No, but that's not possible. She was sealed into the Seventh Obelisk. I was at the prayer meeting. Well, no, I get that it's important. An Egyptian goddess loose on the Orient Express...in space! Give us a mo. (to AMY and RORY) Sorry, something's come up. This will have to be goodbye. AMY: Yeah, I think it's goodbye. Do you think it's goodbye? RORY: Definitely goodbye. AMY heads for the door. EXT. POND HOUSE, NIGHT AMY opens the TARDIS door and waves. AMY: Goodbye! Goodbye. (closes door) INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR smiles. DOCTOR: (into phone) Don't worry about a thing, Your Majesty. We're on our way. AMY and RORY hold onto the console as the DOCTOR sets the TARDIS in motion. Will Return Christmas 2010

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who gives Rory his sonic screwdriver? A: 102 AD; Q: In what year does Rory free the Doctor from the Pandorica? A: The Doctor and Rory place; Q: Who places the dead Amy in the Pandorica? A: her DNA; Q: What is needed to keep Amy alive? A: seven-year-old Amelia; Q: Who is the Doctor's DNA given to the Pandorica in the form of? A: 1996; Q: In what year does Amelia place her hand on the Pandorica? A: the universe; Q: What does the Doctor fly into the exploding TARDIS to restore? A: the time loop; Q: What does the Doctor rescue River from? A: a restoration field; Q: What does the Pandorica contain? A: The cracks; Q: What is unable to close until the Doctor is erased? Summary: The Doctor from the future gives Rory his sonic screwdriver , which Rory uses to free the Doctor from the Pandorica in 102 AD. The Doctor and Rory place the dead Amy in the Pandorica, which will force her to remain alive until her DNA is given to the Pandorica in the form of seven-year-old Amelia in 1996. Amelia places her hand on the Pandorica, following instructions left by the Doctor, fully restoring Amy to life. As the universe collapses, the Doctor rescues River from the time loop in the exploding TARDIS and realises that if he flies the Pandorica (which contains a restoration field) and collides with the exploding TARDIS, it would restore the universe. The cracks are unable to close entirely until the Doctor is erased. Amy brings the Doctor back at her wedding to Rory with her memories (due to the Doctor's last words to her as he was being erased), and the newlyweds continue to travel with him.

ACT ONE ANDY WARHOL SAID IT BEST Scene One - Frasier's apartment. Frasier, Niles and Daphne are sitting on the couch. Martin is standing behind them. Their attentions are tuned towards the television. Martin: All right, now. Quiet, it's getting ready to start. Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement for Holden Thorpe. Niles: You dragged us over here to see a commercial for Holden Thorpe? Martin: Shh! Frasier: The man is a fascist. He's like Himmler without the whimsy. Niles laughs at this, but Martin taps Frasier on the head with his cane to shut him up. Cut to the TV commercial, which shows an American flag and the title HOLDEN THORPE FOR CONGRESS. Announcer: And now another American for Holden Thorpe. Martin: [on television] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. Frasier: Oh, dear God. Martin: [on television] For thirty years I was a cop walking The beat in Seattle. Then my hip was shattered by an assassin's bullet - an assassin who wouldn't have been on the streets if it weren't for those bleeding hearts we sent to Congress. Martin is mouthing the words along with his TV self. Martin: I used to carry a gun. Now I carry a cane. I'm voting to elect Holden Thorpe. He's running because I can't. Frasier and Niles look horrified. Martin: Well? Daphne: Oh, Mr. Crane, I don't know what to say. I'm in a state of shock. Niles: Aren't we all? Daphne: I mean, you were wonderful! [she hugs him] This calls for a celebration. What'll you have? Martin: Oh, give me a beer. Daphne goes to the kitchen. Frasier: Dad... how did this happen? Martin: Well, I took a walk to the park last week and they were having a rally for Thorpe. So I started to talk to one of his people and told him I was an ex-cop and the next thing you know they were shoving a camera in my face. Frasier: This is appalling. Those people are exploiting you. Martin: No, they're not. I like Thorpe. Niles: Oh, how could you support that odious little hosehead? I once heard him say, "Cancer aside, tobacco is good for the economy." Martin: Well, I like him. He's gonna put more cops on the street. Daphne: [bringing Martin his beer] Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt. Now that everyone and his brother's walking around armed. Makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England. Frasier: You don't need guns, you've got kidney pie. [The phone rings] Hello? [to Martin] It's Duke. Martin: Oh! Niles: Sherry? Frasier: I couldn't possibly, Niles. I'm too upset. He and Niles sit down at the table to play chess. Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm glad you liked it, Duke. Yeah, it was fun. Hey, I got a lot of showbiz secrets to tell you. You know they can make you cry on cue by pulling a hair out of your nose? What? Really? Oh, guys, quick, over here- channel 14, they're running my other spot! Hey, Duke, this one was my idea. Remember when Lyndon Johnson lifted up his shirt to show his scar? He turns up the T.V. Martin: [v.o.] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. Crime isn't pretty. And if you don't believe me, look at this! Niles and Frasier turn just in time to see whatever "this" is. They both gasp in horror. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Café Nervosa. Frasier is standing at the bar of the cafe. A waitress comes up to take his order. Waitress: Can I help you, sir? Frasier: Yes, what are your specials today? Waitress: Kenyan blend. Frasier: No, no, no, no. Still poaching elephants over there. Got something else? Waitress: Dark roast Brazilian. Frasier: Not until they do something about the loss of our rainforests. Waitress: Salvadoran? Frasier: No, I've never forgiven them for their human rights violations. Waitress: Well, then we're down to the Hawaiian Kona blend. Or, have they slaughtered too many macadamia nuts? Frasier: [gives her a look, then] That'll be fine, thank you. Niles walks up behind him. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier, I can't stand it. I just walked by an electronics store and there in the window were twenty-two television sets and on every screen was Dad's... [looks around]...butt. Frasier: [nods] I saw it. I don't know which is worse - seeing his butt, or what it stands for. I just can't believe that our father is actually endorsing that self-serving fearmonger. [they sit at a table] Niles: I've been giving this a lot of thought. And I realized Dad isn't the problem. He's just supporting the candidate of his choice. The problem lies with us. Frasier: Us? We haven't done anything. Niles: Exactly. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Frasier: Edmund Burke. Niles: I have that quotation in a frame. I keep meaning to put it up in my office but I never seem to get around to it. [the waitress brings Frasier's coffee] Anyway, Frasier, I think the time has come for you and me to get involved. Frasier: What are you suggesting? Niles: I propose we throw our support behind Thorpe's opponent, Phil Patterson. Frasier: Well, of course I intend to vote for Patterson. Niles: I had something a little more ambitious in mind. I spoke to some people down at Patterson's headquarters this morning, and your name came up. They'd like you to film a TV spot endorsing their candidate. Frasier: Niles, listen. I'd really love to help, but surely you must realize that as a radio psychiatrist, I can't take a chance of alienating my listeners. The people that need my help might be reluctant to call in if they knew my political views. Niles: Well, I wish you'd at least think about it. A candidate like this doesn't come along that often. He's hard-working. He volunteers weekends at a soup kitchen. He really cares about people. Finally, a politician who believes in the things we believe in. A young boy approaches with boxes of candy. Boy: Buy a box of chocolate - send a kid to camp? Niles: Excuse me, can't you see we're talking here?! The boy slumps off as Frasier gives Niles a look. Scene Three - KACL. Frasier is doing his show. Frasier: Thank you for your call, Susan. We'll be right back after this message. He puts in a commercial, which happens to be an ad for Holden Thorpe. Thorpe: [sound of sirens and guns] Crime - it's epidemic. It strikes fast and it can strike you. I'm Holden Thorpe. You should send me to Washington because... Frasier: [cutting off the sound] It's better than having you here! Roz: [entering Frasier's booth] Piece of work, isn't he? He makes it sound like it's either vote for him or be found murdered in your bed. Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't be concerned if I were you, Roz. What are the chances of finding you there alone? Bulldog enters with his cart of tricks. Bulldog: Hey, sports fan, how they hangin'? Frasier: Okay, Bulldog. Bulldog: I was talking to Roz. Bulldog smacks Roz on the behind, and, as she spins round in fury, sticks his tongue out at her. She grabs the tongue and smacks it with the sharp corner of the cart in her hand. Roz: Ten seconds. She goes into her booth as Frasier turns up the volume on the commercial for Holden Thorpe. Thorpe: So vote for me. My crime program will give the streets back to the people- Frasier: [cuts it off; on air] That's good. Because with your tax program, that's where they'll be sleeping! Welcome back, Seattle. We'll be back for just one more phone call after this news break. And then next up, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe- [Bulldog blows his whistle and bangs a gong in Frasier's ear] and the Gonzo Sports Show. [off air] I've asked you not to do that! Bulldog: Way to be impartial, Doc. [honks horn] You know, I happen to think Thorpe's a good man. Who you voting for, that pretty boy Phil Patterson? Roz: [enters] Yeah, Patterson's great. His reapportionment plan makes a lot of sense. Frasier: Forget it, Roz. He's happily married. She bares her claws at Frasier and then goes back to her booth. Bulldog: [chuckling] Yeah, so's Thorpe. Go figure. His wife's a cow and he still loves her. Frasier: There's a bumper sticker. Bulldog: Be back in a minute. [leaves] Roz: [through the glass] Hey, I liked that little shot you took at Thorpe. Although our next caller doesn't seem to share your opinion. Frasier: Oh, really? Well, put him on. I welcome contrasting viewpoints. [on air] Hello, Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have on the line? Roz: On line one we have Holden Thorpe. Roz grins, but Frasier does not look very happy. Roz: Go ahead, caller. Thorpe: [v.o.] Crane, Thorpe. Let me ask you something. Are you married? Frasier: Divorced. Thorpe: You ever serve in the military? Frasier: Well, actually, I have congenitally weak ankles, it's a family problem. Thorpe: I see, I see. So a guy like you - unmarried, didn't serve his country - sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in the Battle of Grenada. I went in on the first wave, by the way. Frasier: On a surfboard, I suppose? Roz grins and nods. Thorpe: If you ask me, the day we get the likes of you off the radio will be the day America will be a nice, friendly place to live again. Frasier: All right, you've said your piece, now you're gonna listen to mine! [Thorpe hangs up] Hang up on me, will you?! Well, all right, even though you may not be listening, the people of Seattle are gonna hear what I have to say! Roz: No, they won't. The show ended five seconds ago, I had to send it to traffic. Frasier angrily throws off his headphones. [SCENE_BREAK] CITIZEN CRANE Scene Four - Frasier's apartment. Frasier is in the process of rehearsing a political commercial in his apartment. It's filled with lights and sound equipment and various crew. Niles is among them. Frasier is seated in the chair near the balcony door. He is at first facing the balcony, but he then turns to face the camera. Frasier: Oh, hello there. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show, but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen. [stands] As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people. That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress. Phil Patterson comes up to him and shakes his hand. Phil: Thanks, Frasier. [facing camera] Together, we can live the dream. Frasier: Phil Patterson: the sane choice. The crew cuts. Director: Okay, guys. Give us about five minutes to adjust the lights and then we'll shoot it. Frasier: Great. Niles: Yes, yes, adjust those lights. They need to be, uh, lighter and... you know, brighter. He trips over one of the lights. A crewman grabs it before it falls and gives Niles a look. Niles, Frasier and Phil walk over to the dinner table. Phil: Thanks again, Frasier. Niles: Oh, our pleasure, Phil. The Crane family has a long history of political involvement. You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva. Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier and Patterson share a look. Daphne then enters with Eddie. Daphne: Hello, there. Frasier: Oh, Daphne... I thought we agreed you'd keep him out of here for two hours. Daphne: Well, I walked him around the park, but you know how he gets. He starts whining and whimpering until you can't stand it any longer. Phil: [bending down to pet Eddie] Oh, don't let them talk about you like that, little fella. Martin: [coming in the door] She was talking about me. Hi, Marty Crane. Phil: Phil Patterson. [they shake hands] You look familiar, Mr. Crane, but I can't quite place you. Martin: Oh, let me give you a hint. He starts to pull down his pants. Frasier: Dad! [he shoos Martin away] Martin: Just trying to help the guy! Frasier: My father did a commercial for your opponent. Phil: Yes, it came back to me. Daphne: Hello, Daphne Moon. Phil: Hi. [shakes hands] Daphne: You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page two and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper. Phil: [struggling for words] Well, thank you, Miss Moon. [she leaves] Frasier: Say, Phil, it's getting a little hot in here. You want to step out on to the balcony with me, get a little fresh air? Phil: Great. [as they walk out] Oh, beautiful view. Frasier: Thank you. Yes, you know, I feel very lucky living here. I'd like to say I feel lucky to be a part of your campaign as well. Phil: Oh, it's me who's lucky. It's quite a boost for an underdog to get an endorsement from Frasier Crane. Frasier: Oh, I don't know if my name carries that much weight. Phil: Oh, come on, people love you. I've listened to your show. To tell the truth, I've even thought of calling in. Frasier: Really? What for? Phil: Oh, it's... kind of sensitive. Frasier: Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence. Phil still hesitates. They both stare out at the view, not looking at each other. Frasier: You know, it's funny how the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be. Phil: Well, I've never told anybody this before, but... okay, here goes. Six years ago... I was abducted by aliens. Frasier, shocked, slowly turns his head to face Phil. He is completely stunned. Frasier: Aliens? Phil: They transported me up to their spaceship for a kind of conference. They're very concerned about what we're doing to our planet. [Frasier stares at Phil] Hey, you were right. Now that I've said it out loud, it doesn't seem like that big a deal. Frasier: [far away] No... Phil gives Frasier a pat on the back as Niles walks up to the door. Niles: They're ready for you, gentlemen. Come on in here and let's elect a Congressman! Phil exits to the living room, but Frasier is frozen. Niles: Frasier? [He gestures for Frasier to come in, but he doesn't move] Frasier? END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO LET'S JUST KEEP THIS UNDER OUR SPACE HELMETS Scene One - Frasier's apartment. It is a few moments after Phil's revelation. Frasier is now filming the political commercial. He looks mortified. Director: We're rolling. And... action. Frasier: [in his chair] Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen... a deeply concerned citizen. Niles looks confused. Frasier: As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. [stands] I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about... [whimpering] ...the little people. Daphne and Martin share a confused look. Frasier: That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress. Phil walks up to Frasier. This time, Frasier jumps in fear Phil: Thanks, Frasier. [shakes his hand and faces the camera] Together, we can live the dream. Frasier: Phil Patterson: [almost in tears] The sane choice. Director: Okay, cut it! Frasier: God, I'm burning up! He runs to the powder room to get a washcloth. Director: Frasier, you were a little nervous on that one. Why don't you take a couple of minutes and we'll try it again. Martin: I got mine on the first take. Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? They both exit to the kitchen. Niles: What's going on in there? You look like a zombie! Frasier: Oh God, Niles! I've got something I'd really like to get off my chest. [sits at a bar stool] But if I told you I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence. Niles: Oh, I see. Well, nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics. [sits opposite Frasier] Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them. For the next few minutes, I'll be your psychiatrist, and then you can spill your guts with impunity. Frasier: Well, it's borderline, but I'm desperate! Niles: All right. Frasier: Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me that he had been... abducted by aliens. [Niles stares] Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship, for a little interplanetary chitchat! Niles leans around to look outside the kitchen. He then leans back to look at Frasier. Niles: This is bad, isn't it? Frasier: Niles, this is incredible. It's just awful. We're gonna look like such idiots! Niles: We?! The whole thing was your idea. I knew I should never have let you get me into politics! Frasier: My idea?! They argue over each other for a moment. Frasier: Oh my God, Niles, stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere! Niles: All right, what are we going to do? Frasier: Well, I think we have to convince Phil to drop out of the race and seek professional help. Niles: If Phil drops out, then Thorpe will win. Frasier: Forget it, Niles! Niles: Well, then you can forget education, and the environment, and funding for the arts... Frasier: Are you saying I should still back Phil? Niles: All right. Answer me this: can you tell me with any certainty that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets? Frasier: [glares] At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen! Niles: All right, all right, all right. Let's assume that it's in his imagination. How often does he see these aliens? Frasier: Well, it's only happened the one time. Niles gets a hopeful look, and Frasier also gets excited. Frasier: Which might suggest that it was an isolated incident brought on by overwork rather than a pattern of paranoid delusion. Niles: My diagnosis exactly! Frasier: Phil has worked hard. Niles: Yes. Frasier: He deserves his chance. Niles: Yes. Frasier: He's still gotta seek professional help. Niles: [forceful] Yes! The best there is. But we're not going to turn our backs on him three weeks before the election. Frasier: No, damn it, we are not. [they shake hands] So, will you treat him? Niles: [as they exit] Are you kidding? I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker! [SCENE_BREAK] THE FAULT LIES NOT IN OUR STARS, BUT IN OURSELVES Scene Two - KACL. Frasier and Roz are in her booth during a commercial break. She is plucking her eyebrows. Roz: I think it's time I get my eyebrows waxed. I'm starting to get that Romanian peasant look again. Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't get any sleep last night. Frasier: Dating a snorer? Roz: You know, Frasier, I'm getting just a little tired of your constant insinuation that I sleep around. I didn't get any sleep because of that idiot Chopper Dave. When he gets bored doing traffic reports he likes to buzz people's apartments in his helicopter. Frasier: Oh, I can see how that would be annoying. Roz: Well, it didn't bother me much, but the guy I was with is a Vietnam vet and he started having flashbacks. Frasier gives her a look as Bulldog bursts in. Bulldog: Greetings, losers! Have you heard the great news? Frasier: What, one of your overpaid idols passed his urine test? Bulldog: Yeah, laugh all you can. Word's out about your pal Patterson and those aliens of his. Frasier: Oh, my God! Roz: What aliens? Bulldog: It's all over TV! Frasier: How did they find out? Bulldog: What, are you kidding? You can't keep something like this quiet. Every station in town is serving his bleeding heart up on a platter. Frasier: Isn't that just like the media? The day before the election they find one tiny flaw in a man and they try to ruin his career! Well, you know what? I have my own conduit to the public's ear. I'm not letting Phil go down without a fight! [he storms into his booth] Roz: What aliens? Bulldog: Turns out Patterson's got a couple of illegal aliens from Guatemala working in his house. No greencards, no documents, no chance! He exits. Frasier: [on air] Hello, Seattle. I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I have just learned during the commercial break that it has become public knowledge that Phil Patterson, candidate for Congress, believes in aliens from outer space. Roz looks up, stunned. Frasier: Not only does he believe in them, he believes he has met with them. That he was beamed aboard their spaceship for a little interplanetary tęte-ŕ-tęte. [Roz shakes her head at him to stop] Shocked? Well, all right. [Roz knocks on the glass, he ignores her] But I say, let's ask ourselves these questions. Has this... Roz pounds on the glass and slashes a finger across her throat. He waves her off and continues. Frasier: ...harmless delusion, most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation, adversely affected his voting record in any way? I ask you, and I say no. What great leader doesn't have his quirks? Ronald Reagan saw an astrologist. General Patton believed in reincarnation. Even J. Edgar Hoover let his slip show once in a while! [N.B. To be fair, if Ronald Reagan ever saw an astrologist, it's because Nancy asked him to. - Mike Lee] Roz gives up and begins to pluck her eyebrows again. Frasier: People, we're talking about a great leader here! We shouldn't concern ourselves with these minor eccentricities. What's important - what really counts - is what's in here... I'm pointing at my chest now. Roz rolls her eyes and buries her face in her hands as the scene fades out. [SCENE_BREAK] ONE PERSON SPEAKING OUT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE Scene Three - Frasier's apartment. It's the evening of the election. Daphne and Martin are watching the results. Frasier is sitting near the balcony, defeated. Announcer: The results from the last precinct are in. Holden Thorpe has been elected to Congress, garnering a whopping ninety- two percent of the vote. Martin laughs and claps. Daphne: Well, at least Mr. Patterson got eight percent. Martin: Yeah, well, they must have been counting absentee votes from the planet Krypton! He laughs, Frasier looks miserable. Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr. Crane. It wasn't all your fault. I'm sure having those Guatemalans in his home would have cost him some votes anyway. [exits] Frasier: Those Guatemalans were exchange students! Phil was giving them free room and board as a goodwill gesture between countries. Martin: Well, I'd like to stay here and gloat, but I gotta get changed to go to the big celebration down at Thorpe headquarters. Hey, you're welcome to tag along if you'd like. You're quite a hero down there! He exits, laughing. Frasier: No, thank you. [he hits himself on the forehead] Stupid, stupid, stupid! [then] When will I learn it hurts when I do that? The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up and opens the door to Phil. Frasier: Oh, Phil. Come on in. Phil: Hi Frasier. Thank you. I just came by to return this good- luck tie you loaned me. [hands him the tie] Frasier: Yes, well, I saw you wearing it on television when you made your concession speech. Phil: It was a little embarrassing having to do it before lunch. But it gave me some time to run some errands and pick up my dry cleaning. Frasier: Phil, I am so sorry about the misunderstanding... Phil: Oh, it's okay. I know you didn't do it on purpose. You thought you were defending me. Frasier: The people of Seattle deserve something better than Holden Thorpe. Phil: That's politics. And it's just one election. I'll be back. Frasier: You really think you can? Phil: Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I like to believe anything's possible. [he starts to leave] Frasier: Phil? I've gotta ask you... do you really believe it happened? Phil: I honestly wish I could say it didn't, but it did. I guess you'll never believe it unless it happens to you. Frasier: So, what's next for you? Phil: Maybe I'll run in California. A thing like this could actually help me there. Phil leaves. Frasier shuts the door and walks over to where he laid the tie. He picks it up for a moment and appears thoughtful. He then puts the tie down and walks up to the balcony door to look out. Frasier: Anything's possible... Suddenly, a bright light fills the sky. Frasier frantically looks out to see what it could be. He opens the door and looks up into the sky. Frasier: Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave! He slams the door in disgust. [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is sitting at a table in the Cafe Nervosa. She begins to pluck her eyebrows. She plucks one and blows the eyebrow off the tweezers. She continues to do this until the little boy with the candy comes up to her. She blows one of her eyebrows at him to make him go away.

Plan: A: Martin; Q: Who supports the congressional candidate? A: the man's opponent; Q: Who does Frasier support after his candidate demeans him? A: aliens; Q: What does the opponent believe he was once abducted by? A: public office; Q: What does Frasier question the candidate's competency to run for? A: the story; Q: What does Frasier accidentally reveal on-air? Summary: When the congressional candidate whom Martin supports demeans Frasier on air, he decides to publicly support the man's opponent. The opponent confides in Frasier that he believes he was once abducted by aliens, causing Frasier to question his competency to run for public office. Frasier accidentally reveals the story on-air, and the candidate is heavily defeated at the polls.

Scene: The apartment. Leonard: All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk. Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She'll appreciate the witticism. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: It'll also help improve her initial impression of you. Leonard: So what's going on with you two? Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She's a girl. She's a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend. Leonard: Right, right. So you're still just texting and emailing? You don't feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room? Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I've known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler. Leonard: Got it. Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part. Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little. Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy. Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of? Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none. Leonard: Oh, right. That. Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one. Leonard: I'm not jealous. Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist. Leonard: Probably. What's your point? Sheldon: No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard? Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much. Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity? Leonard: Um, shut up. Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It's very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal. Leonard: That sounds lovely. Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard? Leonard: Sheldon, I'm just not dating someone right now. I don't need to go to a senior centre. Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it. Leonard: Fine. If I don't meet someone soon, you can put me in a home. Sheldon: It's not a home. It's a senior centre. We'd never put Meemaw in a home! Scene: The comic book store. Leonard: Hey, guys. Howard: Hey. Raj: Hey. Sheldon: All right, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey! Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. That's my girlfriend, Bernadette. I assigned her her own ringtone, Bernadette by The Four Tops. Hello, Bernadette. Raj: When I call him, his phone plays Brown Eyed Girl. Which, now that I think about it, is not so good. Leonard: You realize he's just rubbing our noses in the fact that he has a girlfriend, and we don't. Rai: You mean, you don't. Leonard: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can't even speak to women. Raj: Two words, deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk, because she can't hear me. Leonard: What? Raj: That's what she said. Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard's got a girlfriend, Sheldon's got a girl... Sheldon: No, no, no, no! Leonard: ...who's a friend. Sheldon: Thank you. Leonard: What about you, Stuart? You have a girlfriend yet? Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world where saying I own a comic bookstore is an actual pickup line. Leonard: Oh. Well, good for you. Stuart: Not really. She's horrible. When she wants to have s*x, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane? Leonard: Why don't you just break up with her? Stuart: No, no, I can't. Leonard: Why not? Stuart: 'Cause then I'd be alone, like you. Raj: Dude, why don't you just invoke your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz? Leonard: Because I don't need his girlfriend to set me up with one of her girlfriends. I'm perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own. Raj: Oh, Leonard, you remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women's correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that will allow the female convicts to go free. Leonard: You're saying I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a handful of pardons. Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not? Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa. Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Are you ill? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you're alone, and no one loves you? Leonard: I don't know. Maybe. Sheldon: I want you to know that I'm genuinely concerned about your well-being. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: You're welcome. But it's still no reason to have your feet in my spot. Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation? Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here? Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore. Leonard: That was two hours ago. Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we're hanging out. Quite frankly, I don't see what all the hoopla's about. Go on, Amy. Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation. Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard? Leonard: No. Sheldon: I did. Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern? Leonard: No, I'm not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar. Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one's liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard? Leonard: Right. Amy: That's not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example. Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing? Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I'm listening. Amy: That was rude. Sheldon: He does it all the time. He's a cornucopia of social awkwardness. Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Sheldon: Let's make that our word of the day. Amy: Agreed. And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow. Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you. Amy: Wait. I have a request. Sheldon: Yes? Amy: I'd like you to meet my mother. Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that? Amy: Certainly. Good night. Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard. Leonard: Yeah, what? Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother. Leonard: Yeah. So? Sheldon: What does that mean? Leonard: Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is a girl who's your friend, and not your girlfriend? Sheldon: Uh-huh. Leonard: You can't say that anymore. Sheldon: Wait. What? Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level. Sheldon: I don't want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me! Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing. Leonard: That is insane. Sheldon: You're right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious. Leonard: Okay, good luck. Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do? Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel? Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie. Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis? Sheldon: Screwed. Leonard: There you go. Sheldon: Amy's right. He is tedious. Scene: Outside Howard's house. Leonard rings bell. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, get the door! Howard (off): Why can't you get it? Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know I'm doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I'm like an upside-down volcano here. Howard: Oh, hey. I hope you didn't hear that. Leonard: The volcano thing? No. Howard: What's with the T-shirt? You working at the Apple store now? Leonard: No, it's just something I threw on. Howard: I know all your shirts. That's not one of them. You were pretending to work at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren't you? Leonard: Yeah. Turns out, they guard the iPods, but they don't guard the shirts. Howard: So, how'd it go? Leonard: It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall. Howard: Just FYI, don't try to go back with a fake moustache. I mean, they may not really be geniuses, but they see right through that. Leonard: I want to invoke the girlfriend pact, Howard. Howard: You that desperate? Leonard: No, I just, I want what you have. You know, I want a woman in my life. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Holy Moses, how much liquid can be in one tukus? Leonard: To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother. Howard: Yeah, I know what you mean. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look? Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel. Leonard: What are you working on? Sheldon: I'm removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me and compel me to meet her mother. Leonard: Ah, you're going off the grid. Sheldon: Exactly. Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos. Sheldon: Thank you. I've also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address. Leonard: What if she just comes over? Sheldon: She'll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles. Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail? Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy. Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it? Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler. Sheldon: Darn! She found me! Leonard: She's been here before. Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack. Leonard: What do you want to do? Sheldon: Tell her I'm not here. Leonard: Okay, where are you? Sheldon: I don't know. You'll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details. Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon's not here. Amy: All right. (Leaves) Sheldon: Way to go on the details. Scene: A restaurant. Leonard: Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette. Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold. Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold? Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing. Girl (arriving): Hi. Sorry I'm late, I was at the gym. Spin class. Worked up quite a sweat. Bernadette: Joy, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is Joy. Leonard: Hi. Joy: Hi. You don't look like a genius. Go ahead, say something smart. Leonard: Uh... Joy: Aah! Time's up. Just kidding. First thing you need to know about me, I'm hilarious. Leonard: Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defence classes? Joy: Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun. Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off. Leonard: Wow. Wouldn't think there'd be that many. Joy: Number 42! Leonard: Whoa! Bernadette: Isn't she a pip? Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon (rhythmically, while walking down the stairs): Proxima Centauri's the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard's Star, Wolf 359, Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani, Lac-9352, Ross 128, Procyon A, oh, darn, that's wrong! (Heads back up stairs) EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A. Those are the stars that are nearest to me. Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee. (Sees Amy standing in lobby) Oh, dear. They really do be crazy. Scene: The restaurant. Joy (burping): This lobster's good on the way down and the way up. Leonard: Should be, it's thirty dollars a pound. Joy: Hey, this is a date, right? Leonard: Yep, it is. Joy: 73! Leonard: Whoa! Joy: Excuse me, I have to go to the little girls' room and take a wicked whiz. Bernadette: I'll go with you. Joy: Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place. Howard: I think she likes you. Scene: The stairwell. Amy is sitting on the bottom step. Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam. Amy: Sheldon? Sheldon: Rats! Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother. Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I've learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she'll be satisfied that I'm in a relationship. Sheldon: So we'd be perpetrating a ruse? Amy: Precisely. Sheldon: And you haven't fallen hopelessly in love with me? Amy: Don't be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships. Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me. Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status. Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food? Amy: Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me. Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy. Amy: Good night, Sheldon. Scene: The restaurant. Howard: Come on, just give her a chance. Maybe she'll grow on you. Leonard: Or maybe she'll finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she hasn't tried yet. Look, Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is, like, the worst date of my life. Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and that didn't even crack my top ten. Leonard: I guess the difference is, I have some self-respect. Howard: Not that I've ever seen. Leonard: It's relatively new. I just know that I'm not gonna spend time with someone I don't like simply to have a girlfriend. I'm okay on my own. Joy: Good news, I made lots of room for dessert. Leonard: Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but... Joy: Yeah, you, too. Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin's wedding. Leonard: You're asking me out? Joy: Yeah. And it's an open bar, so I'll probably be giving it away. Leonard: I look forward to it. Scene: The apartment. Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It's nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend. Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter. Mrs Fowler: What? Sheldon: Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt. Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying? Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins. Sheldon: Oh, yes, it's time for me to make love to your daughter's v*g1n*. Mrs Fowler: Oh! Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well. Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.

Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who does Sheldon want to avoid? A: her mother; Q: Who does Amy want to introduce Sheldon to? A: his girlfriend; Q: What does Sheldon think Amy wants to be? A: all possible contact; Q: What does Sheldon remove from Amy? A: a now relieved Sheldon; Q: Who is relieved after Amy explains her intentions to Sheldon? A: a "sexual relationship; Q: What do Sheldon and Amy tell Amy's mother they are in? A: sex; Q: What is a strong possibility? A: the "Girlfriend Pact; Q: What pact does Leonard invoke with Howard? A: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary; Q: What episode is the "Girlfriend Pact" from? A: a double date; Q: What kind of date did Howard and Bernadette set up with Leonard and one of Bernadette's friends? A: an obnoxious and inappropriate manner; Q: How does Joy behave during the date? Summary: When Amy decides to introduce Sheldon to her mother, he becomes worried as being introduced to Amy's mother would indicate that Amy wants to be his girlfriend, which he is not ready for. So he begins to avoid Amy, removing all possible contact with her and even disguising himself so that she would not recognize him. However Amy catches Sheldon outside the apartment building and then calms him down, assuring him that she only wants to introduce him to her mother so that she would be convinced that Amy is in a relationship and leave her alone. Later when talking to Amy's mother, a now relieved Sheldon and Amy lie to Amy's mother that they are in a "sexual relationship", which does not go too well with her. Meanwhile, as Howard now has a girlfriend, Leonard decides to invoke the "Girlfriend Pact" (from the Season 3 episode The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary) with Howard. Howard and Bernadette set up a double date with Leonard and one of Bernadette's friends, Joy. Joy behaves in an obnoxious and inappropriate manner during the date, which disgusts Leonard. However he later accepts another date with Joy due to understanding that sex is a strong possibility.

[Scene: Dawson's House. Jack and Dawson are in his Dark room, talking while Dawson is developing some pictures he has taken.] Jack: Oh, how does it feel to have a dream come true? Dawson: Why? Do I look like I'm trapped in an elevator with Kate Hudson? Jack: Dawson, come on. Last night at the holiday party, you kissed Gretchen Witter. I mean, you remember her, right? It's the girl you once described to me as your first crush. Dawson: She photographs very nicely, doesn't she? Jack: Ok. As much as I appreciate your attempt to feign coolness, ha ha ha ha. You can't tell me this means nothing to you. Dawson: Oh, no, not nothing, but, uh, you know, virtually nothing. I mean, was she once the unapproachable, bikini-clad object of my preadolescent affection? Jack: Yeah. Dawson: Is she now? No. She's a friend. I would like to keep her one. Jack: Uh-huh. Famous last words. Dawson: Not every kiss has to be a life-altering event. Jack: I know. Believe me, I know. All right. I got to go. Dawson: Hey, can you take this with you to Jen's house, give it to Grams? Jack: How do you know I'm going over there? Dawson: Please? Jack: Yeah, ok. We're driving up to Provincetown. We're going to something called a gay-straight team coalition. Dawson: It sounds vaguely political. Jack: Yeah. Well, that's what I'm afraid of. Other than that, it should be interesting. I know. [They exit the dark room and Dawson goes to answer the front door.] Gretchen: Hey! Dawson: [Chuckles] hey. Gretchen: I, uh, I came by to, you know, help clean up, since it was sort of my party and all. But you have obviously done that already. Dawson: Yeah. Sorry. Jack: Yeah, ok, I'm going to go. Dawson: All right. Later. Gretchen: Later. [Jack seeing that he is in the way, leaves.] Gretchen: Uh... Uh, look, Dawson, the reason I came by was because I reacted stupidly. When the whole mistletoe thing happened, I should have just cleared the air right then and there. I mean, that's sort of my policy on things like that. Dawson: You have a policy on kissing your younger brother's former best friend underneath the mistletoe at holiday parties? Gretchen: No. No. I just--I didn't say anything at the time because I was afraid that you might think that it meant something more than it did. I mean, you're young and— Dawson: Well, I'm not that young. Gretchen: No. No, right. Of course not. So obviously you didn't think that it meant something more. Dawson: Um, obviously. Gretchen: Because sometimes if we don't clear these things up, then they can get kind of awkward, and that would suck. Dawson: Tell me about it. Gretchen: So to sum up, uh, last night was strictly a season's greeting kind of a kiss. Dawson: Uh, yeah. Gretchen: Ok. Dawson: Well, um...Happy holidays. Gretchen: Happy holidays. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Joey and Pacey are waving bye to Bessie and Brodie as they get into the truck to leave on their microphone.] Joey: Bye. Don't worry. [Bessie and Brodie pull away.] Pacey: You know, this ain't going to be half bad. The 2 of us together. 3 nights alone. Joey: Yeah, Pace, alone, with a toddler in his terrible 2s and a test tomorrow on transcendentalism. If that doesn't sound like a prescription for fun, I don't know what does. Pacey: You know, we still haven't talked about last night. Joey: Sure, we did. And we're both in agreement that you were the hit of the party. Pacey: No, not that party. The other one. Joey: What, the Leerys'? Pacey: Yes, the leery party. You know, the one with the mistletoe where Dawson was kissing my sister. Joey: Look, Pacey, please. I have too much on my plate right now to even think about that, ok? I mean, I'm up to my eyeballs in Thoreau, I haven't even started Emerson, and we have an hour left until Alexander wakes up from his nap if we're lucky. [Alexander cries] Joey: Brace yourself. This is where the fun begins. [Scene: A Coffee House. Jack and Jen enter and go to the counter for some coffee, while waiting for the meeting to start.] Jack: Take a look around please. This is totally not my scene. Jen: How do you know? Jack: Look here. For one thing-- one thing, I'm the only guy here with no piercings. Jen: Jack, your scene, as you so quaintly refer to it, basically consists of me, Dawson, and it pains me to say it, Grams. Look, I know that this is hard for you, but you cannot spend your entire life surrounded by straight people. [To Counter] Hi. Uh, can I get 2 skinny vanilla lattes, extra hot, no foam? [Toby, who is running the meeting, walks up from behind them.] Toby: Hey, you here for the meeting? Jen: Yes, we are. Toby: Ooh, thank god. We need more lesbians with descent haircuts. I'm Toby. Jen: Jen. Uh, but I'm actually just here as a friend. Jack, Toby. Toby, Jack. Toby: Have we met? Jack: No, I don't think so. Toby: I've definitely seen you in something. I know, you're the gay football player. Uh, uh, last year from the news. We always wondered about you. Hey, uh, I'm sorry. Was I wrong? You're not the gay football player? Jack: No, no. I am. It's just I'm not comfortable with labels like that. Toby: So-- I see. And which label bothers you more? Gay or football player? [Scene: Outside Mr. Brook's House. Dawson and Mr. Brooks are walking while talking about the film that Dawson is going to make.] Mr. Brooks: A documentary about me. And what do you get out of it? Dawson: Well, I get a chance to learn about filmmaking. Picture-making. Sorry. A lot of good directors have dedicated themselves to studying their cinematic forebears. Truffaut and Hitchcock. Bogdanovich and john ford. Billy Wilder and Cameron Crowe. I know you never heard of him. Mr. Brooks: I lied. Talented fella, shaggy-haired. Doesn't hold a candle to, uh, handsome fella, L.A. Confidential. Best picture of the nineties. Dawson: So you have been to the movies since star wars. Mr. Brooks: My A.A.R.P. Card gives me a nice discount at the rialto. Dawson: So what makes L.A. Confidential so great? Mr. Brooks: You really want to know? Dawson: I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Mr. Brooks: Come back tomorrow to lesson number one of the A.I. Brooks school of cinema. Dawson: So you'll do it? Mr. Brooks: Producer credit above the title. You'd be director in name only. Like Fleming in gone with the wind. You got a problem with that? Dawson: No problem at all. [Scene: The Coffee House. Toby is talking to the people gathered there, while Jack and Jen sit at a table in the back of the group, try to talk to one another about how much Toby is into this.] Toby: ...Because he was gay. Jack: Oh, god. If I hear the word gay one more time, I'm going to scream. Jen: Jack, it's just a word. Jack: It's in every sentence the guy says. Toby: So--our new people-- Jack, wasn't it? Why the, uh, sudden interest in joining our little coffee klatch? Jack: Well, I--I, uh— Toby: Up! On your feet. Jack: Ahem. I was, uh, coaching a pee-wee soccer team over in Capeside, and I— Toby: Ah, say no more. And the parents fired you when they found out you were queer? Though, of course, they were very careful not to fire you because you were queer. Jack: I wouldn't exactly put it that way. Toby: But it's what happened, isn't it? So, uh, what'd you do? Jack: I did the only thing I could. I--I left. Toby: But you didn't protest. You--you didn't put up a fight. That's not exactly a giant step forward for gay rights. Jack: I wasn't thinking about gay rights at the time. I was thinking about the kids. Toby: Ah, of course. Though as everybody here knows, the only way to make society any better is to confront prejudice head-on. Which brings me to our last order of business. You can sit down now. As those of you who read more than just the sports pages now, 2 of our favorite lesbians, Anna and Sarah, got kicked out of Stardust Lanes in upper Weymouth last week for kissing. Now, the owners claim that they're against all forms of public displays of affection, gay or straight. And we plan to put this policy to a test. Jack: God forbid future generations of gay teenagers are denied the right to bowl. Jen: Jack, we're keeping an open mind here, ok? Toby: I'm sorry. Uh, you two in the back? Do you guys have something you'd like to share with the group? Jen: Yeah, no. We were just wondering what time for bowling. [Scene: The Potter B&B. Joey is trying to study, when she hears some banging which disturbs her. She gets up and goes into the kitchen to find Pacey and Alexander sitting on the floor beating on some pans.] [Clanging] Joey: What, may I ask, is going on in here? Pacey: Well, we're just doing some reorganizing. Joey: What happened to reading him to sleep? Pacey: Well, he got a little antsy. I just--I let him tire himself out. Joey: I should have known better, Pacey. You always do this. Pacey: What? Joey: You get him all riled up, and now he'll never get to sleep, and I'll never get a chance to study. Pacey: You can study right now. Look. I'm telling you. I got this whole baby putting-to-bed thing under control. Joey: Out. Pacey: What? Of the kitchen? Joey: No, of the house. As in good-bye, sayonara. You're sleeping at home tonight. Your home. Pacey: No. Wait. You can't kick me out. You need me here. Joey: No, I don't. Pacey: Yes, you do. Joey: Hat. Pacey: Ow, ow, hair! Face! Ok! Joey: Coat. Pacey: What is it? Look, I can put on my own clothes. Joey: Look, Pace, look. I appreciate that your intentions are good, but I think I can handle this way better on my own. Pacey: Oh, yeah? Who's going to look after the baby? Joey: Good-bye. Pacey: I'm looking after the baby! Joey: Bye, Pace. I'll see ya tomorrow. Pacey: What— [Joey pushes him out the door and closes it.] Joey: Ok, Alex, bedtime. Now we can either do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way, but, please-- [knock on door] Joey: Pacey! [She opens the door to find that it is a couple of people and not Pacey.] What part of good-bye do you not underst— Man: Uh, we saw your sign. We could really use a room. Joey: Sure. What's 2 people? [They enter and there are 2 other children with them, which come in screaming.] 4? Man: Thanks. Joey: Welcome. [Scene: Gretchen and Pacey's Place. Pacey is sitting at the counter eating when Gretchen comes into the room.] Gretchen: What are you doing here? I thought you were at Joey's. Pacey: Oh, I was, but, uh, she kicked me out. Which, funny enough, leads me to this question that I've been meaning to ask you. Which is, uh... What the hell were you thinking kissing Dawson at the Leerys' holiday party the other night? Gretchen: Oh. You saw that, huh? Pacey: Oh, yeah, I saw that. And so did somebody else I know. You know, and as much as I would love to erase that image from my mind, I'm afraid it's pretty much burned in there irrevocably. So. Please, please, explain yourself to me. Tell me why you had to kiss Dawson and not somebody else your own advanced age? Gretchen: Do we have to talk about this before I have my coffee? Pacey: Yes. Gretchen: Ok. Look. It was an accident. Pure mistletoe, ok? It meant nothing. He knows that, I know that. It was just a kiss. Pacey: There's no such thing as "just a kiss." Especially not in Capeside. Gretchen: Didn't you people ever play spin the bottle? Pacey: No. Unfortunately that quaint, little eighties tradition of yours had gone the way of the dodo by the time I hit puberty. Gretchen: And besides, why do you care who Dawson kisses? Pacey: Personally I don't care. But someone that I know does. Gretchen: Ok, then why aren't you at Joey's talking to her instead of harassing me and drinking all the orange juice? Pacey: I'm not a complete moron, you know? I tried that already. Gretchen: And? Pacey: And she said she hasn't had time to run her mind over it yet. Gretchen: Oh. Big lie. Pacey: Yeah, huge lie. So now I've really got 2 options. I can either take the highroad and pretend like I believe what she's telling me, or I could take the low road, force the issue, and just come off looking like a world-class jerk. What do I do, Gretch? Gretchen: I think you should just be the best boyfriend you can be. I think you should be understanding and sweet and kind. Pacey: Kind. And if none of that works? Gretchen: Force the issue. Be a world-class jerk. You can do it, Pacey. I know you can. I have complete and total faith in you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Capeside High Classroom. Joey is studying frantically when Dawson comes in and takes the seat next to her and notices her trying to study.] Dawson: Are you ready for this test? Joey: Oh, sure, yeah. Why wouldn't I be? Dawson: Well, I've never seen Joey Potter with Cliff Notes before. Joey: Dawson, they are just a supplemental study aid. Dawson: Yeah, right. You would tell me, right, if something were wrong? Joey: Sure. Teacher: Ok, people. Success in the copy room. Now as a change of pace, this test includes short answers as well as essays. [Scene: Capeside High School Hallway. Jen and Jack are walking down the hall to his locker.] Jack: I'm not going. Jen: Oh, I think you are, Jack. Jack: I'm not. Look, this whole group thing is just--it's a bad idea. Jen: Come on, what group thing? We're not joining the Manson family, we're just going bowling. It'll be so much fun. Jack: What--that's impossible, ok? In the entire history of its existence, bowling has never been fun. Funny, yes, but not fun. Jen: All right, ok. So we don't have to bowl. We--we don't even have to, uh, to rent those shoes. We can just go and hang out and make some new friends. Jack: Oh, yeah. Like that guy Toby? No, thanks. Jen: Oh, come on. I think he's sweet. What? Jack: You would. Jen: Uh, meaning what? Jack: Meaning the guy loves you. He practically started drooling on sight. Jen: Oh, please. He does not love me. He just worships my more diva-like qualities. I happen to think he likes you... You know, beneath all that militant, angry, young, gay men posturing, which is sexy. Jack: Yeah, very far beneath. The guy's a fascist dictator. And for the record, even if I wanted to meet new people, which I--I don't, it's totally an unnatural way to do it. Jen: All right, fine. Point taken. Jack: I mean, it's like, hi, I'm gay and that's all I am. How weird is that? Jen: It's--you know, it's totally weird. It is. Jack: Just because a bunch of people show the same sexual orientation doesn't mean that they have anything else in common. Jen: I know. You're right. Jack: Why are you agreeing with me? Jen: Easy. I'm going without you. [Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Mr. Brooks is sitting in a chair while Dawson films everything he is talking about.] Dawson: Is it true that there are only 6 stories? Mr. Brooks: No, only 3. Guy loves girl. Guy gets girl. Guy loses girl. What in the hell are you doing? Dawson: Moving the camera. Mr. Brooks: You want to make your viewer seasick? Dawson: No. Mr. Brooks: Well, hold the camera steady. Get over there. Unobtrusive. Dawson: Don't you think that kind of thinking is a little outdated? Mr. Brooks: Good enough for Howard hawks, good enough for you. Dawson: Yeah, but you can't just write off all the technological advancements that we've made. I mean, movies like fight club and the matrix. That kung fu sequence alone— Mr. Brooks: Kung fu? Next you want me to know about gladiator pictures. Dawson: Which would be your cue to tell me what you think was wrong with gladiator. Mr. Brooks: A tad over the top. Lacking in complex human emotions. Dawson: Which is what made L.A. Confidential so great. Mr. Brooks: That and a sexy blond. There hasn't been a picture that good since the man who shot liberty valance. You have seen that one, haven't you? Dawson: Yeah. The great love triangle. Like a lot of great movies. Mr. Brooks: Well, what's your point? Ahem. Dawson: Well, I thought you might have one. Mr. Brooks: Do you know why so many great pictures are about love triangles? Simple. For every piece of happiness, there's also a piece of unhappiness. If you haven't told both sides, you haven't told the whole story. All right? I think we're done for the day. Dawson: Hold on. You can't just quit when you get to the good part. Mr. Brooks: Oh, yes, I can. I'm the star. No star, no picture. Dawson: Well, you've been going on all afternoon about the importance of asking fundamental questions about truth, honor, and friendship. Now that I finally ask them, you got nothing to say? Who was this girl who made you give up filmmaking? Mr. Brooks: That's what you want to hear. The salacious details. Dawson: No. Complex human emotion. Mr. Brooks: All right. Come back after supper. I'll try to dredge up some painful memories for you. [Scene: The Potter B&B. Joey is putting away some groceries while talking to Alexander about the test, and he just sits on the counter looking at her.] Joey: So I messed up the short answers, but who knew that Thoreau actually was Emerson's handyman anyway? I mean, I think the worst it possibly could have been was a b-minus. Who am I kidding? [Alexander playing on floor] Joey: It's a "C." I know it. I'm dead. Alexander, please do yourself a favor. Stay off the road to overachievement. I'm telling you it will lead to nothing but heartache. [Pacey enters carrying a bag of groceries.] Pacey: Hey. Went shopping. Joey: Me, too. Pacey: Oh, well, you can never have too many groceries. Especially if some more unexpected guests drop by like last night. Joey: Well, then I'll take care of it like I did last night. Pacey: Come here, baby. All the way up? The top floor? [Baby fussing] Joey: Is this some sort of intervention or something? Pacey: What? What, you got the hiccups? I just thought I'd come by and cook us some supper, you know? Build some Lego castles. That way you could study. Joey: I don't need to study tonight, Pacey. I needed to study last night when I kicked you out, remember that? Is it all coming back to you now? Pacey: Oh. Judging by your mood, I'd say the test went really well. Joey: It really doesn't matter, ok? It doesn't matter how I did on that stupid test. 'Cause I can't really undo it. And I can't retake it. It's over. Pacey: So you're really this upset by some stupid test? Joey: I'm sorry if I can't let things roll off my shoulders, Pacey. I don't really have the energy to buck up and be in a good mood, ok? I'm tired. I'm so tired of worrying about Alexander, and I'm so tired of waiting on people, and I'm so tired of doing everything by myself. [Alexander fusses] Joey: Come here, Alex. Pacey: Look, Jo, you don't have to do it by yourself, ok? That's why I'm here. I want to be able to help you. I just can't help you if you won't tell me the truth. Joey: This is the truth. Pacey: No, it's not. The truth is what's really bothering you is what happened between Dawson and Gretchen. Joey: Uh, I am not upset about Dawson and Gretchen. Pacey: No, ok. Maybe you're not, but you are certainly upset about Dawson and you. Joey: That is not true. Pacey: That's not true? Joey: No. Pacey: Then please tell me the truth. Because it's certainly not about you and me, you know. I haven't screwed up for at least a day or 2. Joey: You know what? You haven't. You never do. You are the perfect boyfriend, and you win the perfect boyfriend contest. You beat Dawson. Is that what you want to hear, Pacey? [Alexander fusses] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Potter B&B from room. Joey enters the room, after putting Alexander to bed, and Pacey is sitting on the couch waiting for her.] Pacey: Is he asleep? Joey: Yep. Pacey: I did the dishes. Joey: Thanks. Pacey: You know, I didn't come over here tonight to fight about Dawson. Joey: Yes, you did. Pacey: Yeah, you're right. I did come over here to fight about Dawson. But only because I don't want this to become one of those things that we never talk about, then I look up one day and you're gone. Joey: What things, Pacey? Pacey: Oh, things like the future. Joey: We talk about the future. Pacey: No, Joey, we talk around the future. Joey: That is not true. [Sighs] I don't know why it should bother me, this Dawson and Gretchen thing. Pacey: But it does bother you. It's ok that it bothers you. I just want you to be able to tell me that. Don't shut me out from these things. Joey: Pacey, I do think about the future. I do. Pacey: So what do you see when you see the future? Joey: Us. Me and you, Pace. We grew up together. And see, Dawson and I, we didn't grow up. We are in that house, in Dawson's bedroom, eternally having the same argument over and over again in this endless cycle that goes on and on. And...I can't stop it. Because whenever I'm around him, I become 15 again. Pacey: Well, ahem, if that's the problem, and, believe me, this isn't easy for me to say, you have to talk to Dawson. And then would you please call me? [Kiss] [Scene: The Bowling Alley. Toby and Jen are getting ready to start bowling.] Toby: I have no idea how you and Mr. Quarterback got to be such good friends. Jen: Uh, simple. We're both terminally unlucky in love. Oh, and he--he's not the quarterback. He--they throw him the ball and he catches it. Toby: Ah, a love of sports. No wonder we get along so famously. [Jack enters the Bowling Alley.] Ah, there he is. Captain America. I thought you said he wasn't coming. Jen: He wasn't. I kind of blackmailed him into it. [Jen waves Jack over to join them.] Jack. Hello. Over here. Jack: Hey. Jen: Hey, you changed your mind. Jack: Ah, fake surprise. It looks good on you. Jen: Toby, you remember Jack? Toby: Yeah, how could I forget? Nice jacket. Jack: Oh, yeah, thanks. Toby: He's kidding, right? Jen: About what? Toby: The jacket. I mean, it's, like, ironic, right? Jen: Or something. Toby: He got it at a thrift store. Jen: No, no, that's really his jacket. Jack: What, is there a problem? Toby: Uh-uh, no. Jen: No, no, but I think it's time to bowl. Toby. Pink. [Toby takes the pink Bowling ball from Jen and goes to take his turn.] Jen: Hmm. He is sweet, huh? Jack: Heh. I'll get some shoes. [Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Dawson is sitting behind the camera filming Mr. Brooks as he talks about his life.] Mr. Brooks: I started hitchhiking to the west coast. It was out of Chicago I hooked up with route 66. You've heard of that, haven't you? Dawson: Yeah, sure. Mr. Brooks: The TV show, no doubt. Bet you haven't read Grapes of Wrath, either. Dawson: I saw the movie. Mr. Brooks: How come I'm not surprised by that? Ah, john Huston. Now, there was a director. Dawson: John ford directed the Grapes of Wrath. Directed all those early Henry Fonda movies. Young Mr. Lincoln, drums along the Mohawk. Mr. Brooks: Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Huston didn't make his first picture till treasure of Sierra Madre. Maltese falcon, yeah. That was Huston's first picture, not sierra Madre. Dawson: Mr. Brooks, if you're not feeling well, we can do this some other time. Um, can I get you some water or something? Mr. Brooks: Oh, that'd be good, yeah. Water, ice, bourbon. Hold the water, hold the ice. Dawson: Uh, not quite sure that's such a good idea. Mr. Brooks: I don't give a tinker's damn about your opinion. If it's too much trouble for you, I can get it myself. Dawson: Never mind. Sit right there. I'll get it. [Scene: The Bowling Alley. Jen and Jack are talking while Toby is away.] Jen: Jack, are you embarrassed to be here? Jack: On gay bowling night? Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Not the gay thing, though. The bowling. Jen: All right, I'm with you. I admit, the bowling thing is kinda wack, but, you know, its heart is in the right place, and people need to be willing to stand up for what they believe in. Jack: You're beginning to sound like your new friend Toby. [Toby comes up to join them and Jack goes to take his turn.] Toby: How is Captain America doing? Oh, my god, he's even good at bowling. [As Jack comes back and Jen tries to make his escape.] Jen: Well, I'm thirsty. Um, you? Jack: Yeah. Jen: You? Toby: No, thanks. [Jen leaves.] Jack: You know, I'm gonna bite. Captain America? Toby: Superhero. Marvel comic. Don't worry, it's a compliment. He's not gay or anything. Jack: Oh, ok, I see. So that's what all your comments are about. I'm not gay enough for you? I don't fit into some pre-existing stereotype in your head? Toby: I see. Is, uh, is all this getting a little too gay for you? Jack: Yeah, as a matter of fact, it is getting a little too gay for me. I gotta--I gotta admit, I--I just don't understand the point to it. To your group, to the way you guys act, to your whole holier-than-thou attitude. Toby: You wouldn't. I mean, not from where you're sitting at the fun and popular table with all the other football players and cheerleaders. But in the real world, the one that the rest of us live in, people who fit in, like you, beat up people who don't, like me. But you don't get that, do you? You know what? You've probably never had a rough day in your entire life. Jack: Hey, you don't know me well enough to assume anything about me or how rough it's been for me or--or what my life is like or what it's cost me to get where I am. Toby: Which is where, exactly? Jack: Anywhere but here. [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Joey is sitting looking out the window waiting for Dawson, when he comes into his bedroom to surprised to see her.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey, Dawson. Um, your mom said you'd be home soon, so I thought I'd wait. I hope you don't mind. Dawson: No. Joey: I brought you these Counting Cows cds. Dawson: Joey, these are yours. Joey: I know, I--well, I just figured that we could pass them back and forth whenever we had something we needed to discuss. Dawson: Ok. Uh, what do you need to discuss? Joey: See, this afternoon, in Kasdan's class, I lied. I wasn't ok. I totally blew that test. You know, Bessie and Brodie, they were gone, and--and suddenly these people just showed up at the B&B. And I had to get all these rooms ready, and then I had to take care of Alexander, and I tried to stay up all night cramming, but I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of chapter 7, "the bean field." Don't laugh. This is tragic. Dawson: You're gonna die if you get a "b" on a test. Joey: Basically. Dawson: Well, how did you get into that situation in the first place? Wasn't Pacey with you? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: And he wasn't helping? Joey: Um, I kinda wouldn't let him. Dawson: You know, you should have let Pacey help you. Especially with Alexander. I mean, he's great with kids. Mostly 'cause he still is one. I meant that in a good way. Um, here. Open your Christmas present. Joey: Dawson, you shouldn't have done this. I don't have yours. It's not Christmas yet. Dawson: I know. Open it. [Dawson hands her a gift and she opens it and finds a picture of her and Pacey hugging by the Christmas tree.] Joey: It's beautiful. Dawson: Yeah, I'm gettin' better, aren't I? Joey: No, that's not what I meant. I-- I meant— Dawson: I know what you meant. Joey: The party was fun. Dawson: Uh, yeah. Had its moments. Joey: Like you and Gretchen. Dawson: Um, that was not a moment. That was merely a holiday tradition. Joey: So, what's the deal? You guys friends or— Dawson: Yah, we're friends. What else would we be? Joey: I thought since you guys were kissing— Dawson: A, please. Sophisticated, cool, 21-year-old college girls don't generally fall for dorky high school seniors. Joey: So, you're not interested in her? Dawson: Even if I were, she's not interested in me, so why ruin a perfectly good friendship? Joey: These things don't always have to work that way. Look at us. After all that's happened? And we're friends. If we weren't, you wouldn't have... You wouldn't have given me this. And I wouldn't be sitting here telling you to do whatever your heart tells you to do. Truth is, Gretchen would be really lucky to have someone like you. [She bends over to give him a kiss on the cheek before leaving.] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Capeside High Classroom. Mr. Kasdan is sitting at his desk going through some papers when Pacey comes into the room.] Mr. Kasdan: Pacey Witter. I thought we weren't destined to meet today until fourth period. Or would you like to hang around in junior English and have another go at Bartleby the Scrivener? Pacey: Uh, no, thanks. Mm-hmm. I should prefer not to. Mr. Kasdan: Bartleby-based humor. Very impressive, Mr. Witter. So what can I help you with? Pacey: Well, uh, you guys in A.P. English had a test yesterday, right? A big test. Mr. Kasdan: Yeah. Pacey: Well, let's suppose for a moment that you had this person in your class who is normally a phenomenal student— Mr. Kasdan: he or she? Pacey: You think we could keep it at "they" for right now? Just for argument's sake, remain gender-neutral? Mr. Kasdan: And contribute to the further corruption of the English language as it is spoken on the north American continent. Please, by all means. Pacey: Ok. Let's suppose that this person needed to retake that test. Mr. Kasdan: Because of illness? Pacey: No— Mr. Kasdan: family emergency? Pacey: No, not exactly. Mr. Kasdan: Well, then, case closed. Pacey: Mr. Kasdan, if you could just hear me out for one second. This student, honestly, is under an incredible amount of pressure. She sets these ridiculous goals for herself, she's not willing to accept help from anybody, she's under the false impression that if she gets one single "b," the entire universe is gonna start to fall apart. Mr. Kasdan: She? Pacey: Uh, yeah. She. Mr. Kasdan: Ahh. I think I understand where you're coming from, Mr. Witter. Pacey: Oh, you do. Mr. Kasdan: But I still have to say no. If I bend the rule for one person, I have to bend the rules for everybody. Pacey: Well, I had to give it a try. Mr. Kasdan: Which you did. Admirably. [Scene: The walkway along the water front. Jack is unlocking his bike when Toby comes up to him carrying some flyers.] Toby: Nice town you've got here. I, uh, I figured I'd come by and hang some flyers. You know the gays. We're, uh, always recruiting. By the way, um, you're officially kicked out of the alliance. Jack: I'm crushed. Toby: Ah, I can tell. Look, there's something about me that obviously intimidates you. Jack: It's not my fault, and I'm not gonna let you push me around any more than I should have let those damn soccer parents. Toby: Finally, something we agree on. Look, you're right. I don't know you. And I can't possibly understand your life. A-and if I jump to conclusions based on appearances, it's just because-- well, that's the way I've been treated my entire life. Hey, when I was 9 I used to walk home through this baseball field. All these older kids would hide in the dugouts and wait for me to walk by. They'd call me fag, sissy, queer. The full spectrum. Till my older sister would come along and scare 'em away. I mean, that's when you really know you're gay, when your sister has to fight your battles for you. But you don't know what that's like, do you? Jack: No, I don't. But that doesn't make me any more straight. [Scene: Capeside High library. Joey is highlighting a lot of stuff in the book she should have read for the test, when Mr. Kasdan comes up to join her.] Mr. Kasdan: A more prudent approach... Would be to have read the book before the test. Joey: I blew it, didn't I? Mr. Kasdan: C-minus. Certainly not your finest hour. But then I'm guessing you already knew that, considering the little visit I had this morning from your-- I hesitate to use the term "better half." Joey: Pacey? Mr. Kasdan: He asked me to give you a second chance. I said no, of course. However, Ian Prange was at the orthodontist again, so I'm giving a make-up tomorrow, and if you'd be interested in retaking the test, you could do that. Joey: I--I--uh--please. I mean, I--I--I would really, really appreciate— Mr. Kasdan: don't thank me yet. I'm planning to penalize you half a letter grade. Joey: Ok. Mr. Kasdan: And, by the way, you're doing some serious damage with this highlighter. [He takes the highlighter from her and highlights a particular sentence and Joey reads it aloud.] Joey: "Near the end of March 1845, I borrowed an axe and went down to the woods by Walden pond, nearest to where I--" Mr. Kasdan: What's the most important word in that sentence? Joey: Woods? Mr. Kasdan: Borrowed. The important thing to remember about the transcendentalists is that while self-reliance is a most admirable trait, Thoreau wasn't really all that alone out there by Walden pond. He had neighbors, friends, people he could rely on. We should all be so lucky. [Scene: Mr. Brook's House. Dawson enters as a woman comes out of one of the side rooms.] Dawson: Mr. Brooks? Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I can come back later. I just— Louise: I know. He told me. See, you've been really tiring him out with that video of yours. Dawson: Oh, not intentionally. Louise: No, I think that you are the reason that he's not taking his medication. W--he says it's because it makes him forget things, and I said, "well, forgetting can be a good thing," and then he said, "but not when you're making a documentary." [Mr. Brooks joins the two of them.] Mr. Brooks: Louise here has a big mouth. Loves to chat with nosy teenagers. You'd think I was paying her to talk. Nurses can be replaced, you know. Louise: I know. I will see you tomorrow. Mr. Brooks: All right, the secret's out. Not to worry, I'm not dead yet. I'm just holding short waiting for a clearance. So what can I help you with? Dawson: I, uh, left my video camera here yesterday. Mr. Brooks: Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. There it is. See? I didn't steal it or anything. Probably beyond me, major motion picture director that I am, to figure out how the damn thing works, anyway. Dawson: [Chuckles] [Dawson begins to take the camera off the tripod.] Mr. Brooks: Hey, hey, wait a minute. What are you doing? You can't abandon the A.I. Brooks story, epic motion picture in progress. Dawson: W-well, the nurse said that, uh— Mr. Brooks: Look, I'm not gonna be around forever. Might be nice to leave something behind, you know, for people to remember me by. Since the A&E biography folks aren't gonna get to me any time soon, would you still be willing to direct this little picture of ours? Dawson: Sure. Mr. Brooks: All righty then. Dawson: So, uh, where do you want to start? Mr. Brooks: When I was hitchhiking to the west coast, I tried to stay on route 66, you know, but I had to take such rides as I could get, and so somehow I ended up in Las Vegas, stranded at a little diner. That's where I met her. The girl from your movie. Ellie Andrews, waitress. Born and raised in Vegas and hated it. Said she couldn't understand why people would go out in the desert to take chances they'd be too afraid to take at home. Said she'd rather gamble on life than on the roll of the dice. One day a ride came by, toward L.A., And, uh, before I could say good-bye to her, she jumped over the counter and came with me. Dawson: Just like that? Mr. Brooks: All the way to sunset and vine. God, I miss her. A good woman. You'd have liked her. I miss her. [Scene: The Potter B&B. Pacey enters the door to find Joey waiting for him with a huge smile on her face.] Pacey: You rang? Joey: I thought I'd call my boyfriend 'cause I need a little help with something. Pacey: Where's Alexander? Joey: Watching a video in Bessie's room. Pacey: Ok, now I'm starting to get suspicious. What's going on? Joey: I wanted to say thank you. Pacey: For what? Joey: The test. You got Mr. Kasdan to let me retake the test. Pacey: I did? I mean, I know that I did, but I didn't know that it worked. This is great. So, how'd you do? Joey: Oh, I go take it tomorrow after school, so, um... Tonight... [She begins to kiss him when he stops her.] Pacey: Uh... Joey: Is there a problem? Pacey: Well, you tell me. Joey: I did what you asked. All ghosts locked firmly away. Except for the ghost of Christmas future. And there's really no reason... Pacey: Well, there is something else we probably should be doing. [Scene: The Potter B&B front room. Pacey is sitting in a chair by the fireplace quizzing Joey from Flashcards, while she sits on the floor in front of him with Alexander.] Pacey: "Trust thyself." Joey: Emerson. Pacey: What transcendentalist magazine was edited by both Emerson and Thoreau? Joey: The dial. Pacey: Transcendentalism took its name from Kant's critique of... Joey: Pure reason. Pacey: Wrong. Practical reason. Joey: Oh. Practical reason. Pacey: Uh, where was brook farm? Joey: West Roxbury, Massachusetts. Pacey: You're good. [Scene: Outside the Leery Fish house. Gretchen comes outside to find Dawson stand outside waiting for her.] Gretchen: Dawson! Just in time. Dawson: You didn't miss anything yet. Gretchen: They got a good one this year, don't you think? Dawson: Uh, yeah. Yeah. Actually, I didn't come for the ceremony. Uh, I came to talk to you. Gretchen: Oh. Oh, well, just don't tell your mom that I'm out here. She thinks I'm doing inventory in the stockroom. Dawson: Ok. Um, do you like to gamble? Gretchen: Um, are we talking bingo or more serious stuff? Dawson: Uh, anything. 'Cause I--I don't. I never understood why anybody did it. Uh, heh, until today. Gretchen: Dawson, if this has to do with what happened the other day, I think I know what you're gonna say and I— Dawson: I like you. There. I said it. I like you and... That kiss meant more to me than just happy holidays. And everything I said the other day was a lie. Well, not a lie, because I think I meant it at the time, but I was basically just trying to fool myself because I didn't want to screw up our friendship, and I was gonna let that fear stop me. But I don't want to, and I'm not going to, because I don't want to learn that lesson at 17 or at any time, for that matter. And you can tell me that you're too old, and you can tell me that I'm too young, and you can tell me that I'm not over Joey, but nothing you can say is gonna change the fact that I said it. And I'm really glad that I said it because you're worth risking everything for. Gretchen: What am I gonna do with you? Dawson: Just tell me the truth. Gretchen: The truth. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and sometimes a kiss means... [The Christmas Tree lights up and Dawson seeing where this is going finishes her statement.] Dawson: Happy holidays. Gretchen: Happy holidays.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who can't find a moment alone to study or deal with her feelings? A: one; Q: How many lead members of the "Gay-Straight Teen Coalition" do Jack and Jen meet? A: Brooks begins; Q: Dawson's collaboration with whom begins? A: his filmmaking spirit; Q: What does Dawson's collaboration with Brooks rejuvenate? A: Jen; Q: Who takes Jack to a "Gay-Straight Teen Coalition" meeting? A: Jack; Q: Who does Toby clash with? A: the crowd; Q: Who does Jen seem to fit in with? Summary: Joey can't find a moment alone to study or deal with her feelings. Dawson's collaboration with Brooks begins, rejuvenating his filmmaking spirit. Jen takes Jack to a "Gay-Straight Teen Coalition" meeting but she seems to fit in with the crowd more than Jack does. They meet one of the lead members, Toby, and he clashes with Jack, leading to him being exceptionally keen to putting Jack down.

INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT (ELEVATOR DINGS) (LIGHT CLICKS ON) DUCKY: He's not an American Naval Officer? GERALD: They said he was a Royal Navy Commander. DUCKY: Well, which Royal Navy, Gerald? There are several of them. GERALD: I assume British, Doc. DUCKY: The Swedes, the Norwegians, Aussies, Kiwis, Saudis... they all have Royal Navies. GERALD: Well, the EMT only said that the Embassy told them to bring him to NCIS for autopsy. DUCKY: Which Embassy? GERALD: Israeli. DUCKY: Israeli? GERALD: That's what they said. DUCKY: Hmm. Why on earth would the Israeli Embassy send us a foreign naval officer? GERALD: Well that's what I asked the EMT that delivered the body, but they didn't know either. DUCKY: He calls me down here in the middle of the night, doesn't know which Navy. Gerald, what does this look like? GERALD: Uh... one of my gloves. DUCKY: What's it doing in my drawer? GERALD: I'm sorry, Doc, I must have put your gloves in my drawer. I'll get it. DUCKY: No, I'll do it. Ah, Gerald, unzip that body bag and find out with which Navy our guest sailed. (GERALD UNZIPS THE BAG) DUCKY: Don't recognize the uniform. I'm not surprised. The Royal Navies of the world wear almost identical uniforms. In fact, during World War Two, British Naval Officers whose ships went down in the channel, passed themselves off in Antwerp as German submariners who... good god. (CUT TO BLACK) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT "BETE NOIR" ARI: Shut off the lights.... and return. Is the video camera on?(LIGHTS CLICK OFF) (SFX: GUNSHOT /GLASS BREAKS GERALD: Sorry, Doc. DUCKY: That's all right, Gerald. I looked at it too. ARI: How do you alert visitors when conducting infectious autopsy? DUCKY: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor. ARI: A sense of humor under duress - that's an admirable quality, Doctor. However, when I ask a question, I want a truthful and immediate answer. So each time you lie, or I suspect you lie, I will put a nine millimeter, hollow point slug into one of your assistant's ball and socket joints. If you doubt me, I can demonstrate. DUCKY: That won't be necessary. May I make a request? ARI: You would rather I put the slug in you? DUCKY: Yes. ARI: I can't oblige. How do you alert people to infectious autopsies? DUCKY: A lit red sign in the corridor. ARI: Gerald, the sign, please. Just a moment. Also lock the doors and bring me a set of greens and breathing gear. DUCKY: What is it you want? ARI: In due time, Doctor...? DUCKY: Mallard. ARI: Like the famous English A-Four steam locomotive. DUCKY: Most people think of waterfowl. ARI: Ah, the Mallard ran from London to Edinburgh for decades. In nineteen thirty eight it attained a speed of over two hundred kilometers an hour. DUCKY: Two hundred and two. ARI: A world record. Although the Germans claimed it was set on a slight downgrade. Typical. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY TONY: You never had a nightmare? KATE: Uh-uh. TONY: Not even as a kid? KATE: Nope. No fear of the dark or a boogie man in my closet. TONY: Me either. But the vampire on the canopy of my bed freaked me. KATE: You had a canopy bed? TONY: I was five. My mother was into Louis the Fifteenth. It wasn't my call, Kate. KATE: Does she still frighten you? TONY: My mother? KATE: The vampire. TONY: What makes you think it was a "she?" KATE: Vampires are seducers. Knowing you, Tony, it had to be female. TONY: Well, she was after my blood, not the pride of my childhood. KATE: You were proud at five? (ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: She finished the story, tucked me in, blew out the candles. My mother thought that candlelight enhanced the trompe l'oieil. KATE: Canopy beds, trompe l'oieil, flickering candles. No wonder your bete noir was a vampire. TONY: Bete noir. Cute. KATE: It goes with the Louis the Fifteenth bedroom. So... what would happen? TONY: Forget it. GIBBS: Forget what? KATE: Oh, Tony's bete noir. TONY: Ah, it's French for um... GIBBS: Nightmare? I do crossword puzzles too, DiNozzo. TONY: Actually my mother taught me nightmare in French... GIBBS: Did your father teach you how to report? TONY: Oh, yeah. During cocktail hour, while I was pouring his Macallan eighteen - three fingers, one ice cube - you know, I had to report in about my day at school and just give him sort of a... (BEAT) We bagged and tagged everything in Qassam's room. There wasn't much there. Koran. Prayer rug. Fast food wrappers. This guy took home from work and didn't empty his trash. He had sinus problems. Bad breath. KATE: Yeah, probably because he didn't brush his teeth. There was no brush or toothpaste in his bathroom. TONY: Just aspirin, sinus spray and breath freshener. GIBBS: Did you swab for explosives. TONY: Yeah. Top to bottom. Found minute traces of nitrate in the dresser table. Probably where he kept his Baretta. GIBBS: Computer? TONY: Not even a Gameboy, boss. KATE: He didn't have a TV, Tony. TONY: Gameboy is handheld, Kate. You're thinking about X-Boxes, PS Twos, GameCubes... GIBBS: I'm thinking of kicking some ass. Gitmo intel said Qassam was to execute a terrorist attack on the Naval base at Norfolk. He's in no shape to tell us how or when... his computer might. KATE: No computer. GIBBS: What about the food court where he worked? TONY: Ah, just a keyboard with pictures. Burgers, malts, fries. Not exactly cyberspace friendly, boss. KATE: Hey, he could have used an internet café. I'll check Little Creek and his neighborhood. GIBBS: I should have thought of that. TONY: Well, you're more - you know, smurf than alpha geek. So am I, according to Agent McGee. GIBBS: You're right, DiNozzo. TONY: I am? GIBBS: Hell, I still use a notebook and a pencil instead of a P-D-Q. TONY: It's P-D-A. You can call it Palm Pilot. GIBBS: It doesn't matter what I call it if I can't use it. TONY: I'll teach you. GIBBS: You'll teach me? McGee teaches you, you teach me. It's backwards! God, I need coffee. KATE: What was that all about? TONY: Gibbs bete noir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) ARI: Right ventricle, left atria. You haven't done the autopsy. DUCKY: It was late. I was due to autopsy today. ARI: Then you best place him on the table. Did you draw blood last night? DUCKY: Yes. ARI: Is it refrigerated here? DUCKY: No. ARI: You sent it with his clothing to forensics? DUCKY: Yes. Are you a pathologist? ARI: Where is the lab? GERALD: One floor up. Directly above us. DUCKY: There's a stairwell outside to the left you can use. ARI: Not the elevator? DUCKY: I assumed you'd think that too risky. ARI: Is it an emergency stairwell? DUCKY: No. That would be alarmed. ARI: Surveillance camera? DUCKY: (BEAT) Yes. I answered promptly and I haven't lied! ARI: You tried to trick me, Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: That wasn't a condition. ARI: It is now. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (LOUD MUSIC B.G.) (PHONE RINGS) ABBY: Ducky, you're in early.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: Abby, turn down the babble. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Babble? You love Android Lust! (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: Not distorted by a speaker phone! (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Ducky, you're such a purist! (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O.) What's up? DUCKY: I need the evidence Gerald delivered last night. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, good luck. I haven't even had my morning sprinkles yet. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: I didn't ask for the results. I need it all back, including the blood. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) What are you going to do with the blood? DUCKY: (V.O.) Abby, just get it down here! ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Wow. Did you get up on the wrong side of the autopsy table? (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: Sorry. I have a theory to test. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Want to share? DUCKY: Not quite yet. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay. Send Gerald up. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: He's busy. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O.) You'll have to bring it down here. (INTERCUT AUTOPSY SCENE) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Ducky, you know I can't do that. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: Abby, I don't have time to deal with your necrophobia. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I am not necrophobic. Dead bodies don't freak me out. Autopsy does. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O.) Ducky, please don't ask me to do this. DUCKY: You won't have to enter Autopsy. In fact, you can't. We've opened an infectious body. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O.) Leave it at the door. ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I can't even press the down button on the elevator any more! (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: Get Gibbs to do it. STAT!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) ARI: Am I to believe that? DUCKY: Well Abby, who is unfazed by the most gruesome of forensics, recently had a nightmare. Since then, she has not set foot in autopsy. ARI: Gerald, is that true? GERALD: She hasn't been down for quite a while. ARI: A code word could have triggered that absurd conversation. DUCKY: Abby and I are not special agents. We're forensic scientists. We do not use code words. Surely you understand the power of phobias? ARI: Butterflies. DUCKY: Sorry. ARI: I fear butterflies. DUCKY: Good. Well, not good that you have a phobia, but good that you understand that not a word I said was coded to alert Abby. ARI: Who is Gibbs? (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Gibbs is the only other person Abby has told of her phobia. He's also the one person she'd turn to for help. ARI: Is he a special agent? DUCKY: Yes, but does that matter? Look, all I'm trying to do is to give you the evidence so you can do what you came here to do and leave. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY COLLECTS THE SAMPLES AROUND THE OFFICE/AND WALKS TO THE ELEVATOR) (ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY ARI: (V.O.) Have you worked with Doctor Mallard long, Gerald? GERALD: A bit over two years. ARI: Quick on his feet? GERALD: He was a miler at Eton. Still recalls all of his races in great detail. ARI: Your sense of humor seems to be contagious, Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: No, I'm afraid Gerald took you literally. I have a way of going on about my salad days. He associates "quick on my feet" with my stories of the playing fields of Eton. ARI: Do you believe Wellington actually said that? DUCKY: Probably not. But most Etonians love to think he did. ARI: Are you lost, Gerald? GERALD: "The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." ARI: Very good. GERALD: Stick around the Doc long enough and you pick up a lot of trivia. ARI: Trivia? GERALD: Much as I'd enjoy that, I have to decline. So you believe this... Abby was it? GERALD: Abby Sciuto. ARI: Abby Sciuto has really developed an autopsy phobia? GERALD: Truthfully... ARI: I think your shoulder would prefer that. GERALD: I never figured anyone who slept in a coffin could have a phobia, but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get. ARI: She slept in a coffin? DUCKY: She's a Goth. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Where's Gibbs? KATE: With the Director. You okay? ABBY: Where's Tony? KATE: The head. What's wrong, Abby? ABBY: Ducky needs all this evidence back in autopsy. KATE: Before you've tested it? ABBY: Yeah. KATE: That's strange. ABBY: Yeah. I can't go down to autopsy. KATE: Why? ABBY: I had this dream like a month ago and ever since then autopsy scares the hell out of me. (KATE CHUCKLES) ABBY: Why are you laughing? KATE: Sorry. Sorry. I was um...I was just thinking of Tony. ABBY: Tony's afraid of autopsy too? KATE: No, he dreams of vampires. ABBY: Oh. I dig vampire dreams. KATE: Oh. Tony sure doesn't. ABBY: Well that's silly. KATE: But fear of going into autopsy which you've done your entire career isn't? ABBY: Of course it is. It doesn't change anything. I can't even take the elevator to the basement anymore. KATE: Wow! ABBY: Yeah. KATE: So do you want me to take this evidence down to Ducky? ABBY: Would you? KATE: Yeah, of course. ABBY: Okay. You have to sign to maintain the chain of evidence. KATE: Right. ABBY: Oh, and um... Ducky's doing an infectious autopsy. KATE: On who? The terrorist? ABBY: I don't know. He just said to leave everything outside the door. KATE: Well, Qassam is the only body in autopsy. Why would Ducky think he was infectious if you hadn't done a blood test? ABBY: I don't know. (PHONE BEEP TONES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (PHONE RINGS) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Autopsy. KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) So what's going on? DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I knew you could do it. See you in ten minutes, Abby. KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) Wait! What are you...?! (HANGS UP PHONE) ARI: Why didn't you use the speaker phone? DUCKY: Oh, sorry! I didn't think. I always pick up my phone. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY GIBBS: I thought the safest way to apprehend him was a routine trunk check at the Little Creek gate. The security guard opening his trunk had his weapon pulled. Qassam saw it in the side view mirror, realized the check was anything but routine... and when he-- MORROW: Pulled his weapon, you had to take him down. GIBBS: Yes, Sir. I gave him every chance.(ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN) (MORROW AND GIBBS WALK DOWN THE STAIRS) MORROW: I'll read all about it in your incident report, Jethro. What I'm interested in at the moment is how a terrorist got a job on the base? GIBBS: Fast food workers are vetted by their employers. MORROW: Unbelievable. What was he planning on doing, besides serving burgers and fries? GIBBS: I have no idea, Sir. I was hoping to get some help from Gitmo or Bahrain on that. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY CASSIDY: (V.O.) Qassam's passport, student visa and social security card were all forged in Mexico. (ON SCREEN) Same errors as papers on an Al Qaeda we caught at the border. (BEGIN VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) Getting forged documents in Mexico doesn't make him Al Qaeda. CASSIDY: (ON SCREEN) I got the lead on Qassam from an Al Qaeda detainee. MORROW: Why don't you think he's Al Qaeda, Agent Snyder? SNYDER: SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) Yasir Qassam was born in the Gaza Strip. (V.O.) His parents were killed during the Second Intifada when their home was shelled. (ON SCREEN) His brother Saleem was recruited by Hamas as a shahid - a suicide bomber. (V.O.) This tape aired on Al Jazeera after Saleem blew himself up along with nine Israeli civilians on a bus in Jerusalem. (ON SCREEN) Saleem's reciting the usual martyr rhetoric, but he dedicates (V.O.) his death to avenge the blood of his father and mother. (CONT.) I believe Yasir used his real name on forged documents (ON SCREEN) because he was a Hamas shahida like his brother. SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) Maybe he wanted to make sure that he got the seventy virgins instead of some Muslim with an alias he used. GIBBS: Shahidas are like our sport stars to Palestinian kids. Qassam could have used his real name to be famous in Gaza. SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) Exactly. It doesn't make sense that he would die on an Al Qaeda mission in the States. He'd want to kill Israelis. MORROW: Hamas or Al Qaeda, what was he trying to do? CASSIDY: (ON SCREEN) All I know is that Qassam was key to a planned suicide mission at Norfolk. SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) I've nothing to add, Director. MORROW: Think of` something.(END VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) MORROW: Well? GIBBS: Daniel Snyder's a good agent, sir. I'd trust his instincts. MORROW: Hamas has never attacked targets on U.S. soil for fear of losing financial support from pro-Arab Americans. GIBBS: How can you support any group that lets their children blow themselves up? MORROW: Their leaders say that the suicide bomb is all they have to fight with. GIBBS: Sir, when Hamas leaders start blowing themselves up, I'll consider it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: There's a way to overcome this. Really? How? Group therapy. Oh, how many people have a fear of autopsy? You're going to be a group of one! Lots of people wouldn't be caught dead in an autopsy room. Very funny. Maybe hypnotism. Ooh, remember Doctor Wertzer's class? You still don't know what he made you do when you were under hypnosis. Whatever it was, I woke up feeling refreshed...in his office a day later. GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: Yes? GIBBS: What are you doing? ABBY: I was having an internal debate. GIBBS: Mmm. Who's winning? ABBY: I'm not sure. Oh, hell. The phobic side. GIBBS: Still can't enter autopsy? ABBY: No. GIBBS: Did you find any tag traces of explosives on the terrorist's clothes? ABBY: Ducky took everything back before I had a chance to test it. GIBBS: What? ABBY: Don't look at me! He wouldn't say why. He just wanted everything back including the blood. GIBBS: Including the blood? ABBY: Yeah, it was a bit weird. There's no way to do a blood test in autopsy. GIBBS: Did Gerald pick it up? ABBY: Gerald was busy. Ducky just wanted me down there STAT. GIBBS: STAT? ABBY: Yeah. And I wouldn't go so Kate took it down. TONY: Hey boss. What's up, Abs? ABBY: Something's... TONY: Hinky? GIBBS: Tony, get autopsy on the plasma. TONY: Huh? GIBBS: Autopsy. TV. Now! Why would Ducky say STAT? ABBY: Because he's a doctor? And because STAT means fast and a medical emergency? GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Medical emergency. But what is a medical emergency in autopsy? TONY: All I'm getting is snow. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY CORRIDOR - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN) (KNOCK ON DOOR) DUCKY: You can leave it there. KATE: You have to sign. DUCKY: Well, I can't open the doors with you there. KATE: What's the infection? DUCKY: Don't know yet. He's got a pustule on his thigh. It may be nothing. Yeah, I'll sign. Cross my heart. KATE: I beat my phobia! DUCKY: Yes, so I see, Abby. Well done. (DOOR SLIDES OPEN) ARI: When did lab rats start carrying Sig Sauers? (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Punch up autopsy receiving and stairwell cameras. Then the building floor plans. TONY: On it, boss. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs for Director. (TO ABBY) Abby, did Ducky sound funny? ABBY: Kind of tense. Like when a test result isn't what he expected. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Director, we may have intruders in autopsy. Possible hostage situation. TONY: We've got an ambulance outside autopsy receiving, boss. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yes, Sir. I think we should alert H-R-T and open a command center in MTAC. Aye aye, Sir. ABBY: Oh, god. I should be down there. GIBBS: Tony, where's my floor plan? TONY: Coming up. GIBBS: Okay, get me two agents in receiving, two in the elevator here. TAC-one. TONY: TAC-one. GIBBS: Abs, how do I rotate this thing? ABBY: Just tell me what you need. GIBBS: Your lab and autopsy. All entrances and exits. Give me three sixty. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Go, go, go, go, stop. Right there. What's this right here? ABBY: My gas chromotograph. GIBBS: Can it be moved? ABBY: Yeah. GIBBS: Do it. Abby, I need a drill and a flexible video probe. ABBY: Got it. TONY: Agents on their way. We taking the basement stairwell? GIBBS: Yeah. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY ARI: No throw away? Special Agent Caitlin Todd. Are you any good with this gun, Caitlin? KATE: Give it back and I'll demonstrate. ARI: Mmm, ever fire it in anger? KATE: I would love to right now. ARI: Did you shoot Qassam? Did you put that double tap in his heart? DUCKY: She didn't shoot him. ARI: Who did? DUCKY: Special Agent Gibbs. KATE: Ducky! ARI: That name rings a bell, Doctor Mallard. KATE: Don't answer this b*st*rd! ARI: You mustn't chastise the good doctor, Caitlin, at least not until you know my rules. KATE: I don't play by terrorist rules. ARI: Who says I'm a terrorist? Doctor, is this all the evidence? DUCKY: From what I can see from here. Gerald? GERALD: It looks like all of it. ARI: Caitlin, you may roll over now if you keep your hands where they are. Did Special Agents search Qassam's room? Where is the evidence that was bagged and tagged? Doctor, please explain the rules to stubborn little Caitlin. DUCKY: If we lie, or he thinks we're lying, he'll put a bullet in one of Gerald's joints. ARI: Be specific. Ball and socket joints. And you omitted one condition. DUCKY: I did? ARI: Yes, you did. DUCKY: Oh, yes. We mustn't try to trick him. ARI: Which you tried to do, Caitlin, by saying you beat your phobia. DUCKY: But she didn't know the rules. ARI: But you did, Doctor Mallard. And you joined the ruse by calling her Abby. (SFX: GUNSHOT) (SFX: GERALD SHOUTS) GERALD: Oh, God. No... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRWELL - DAY (TONY AND GIBBS RUN DOWN THE STAIRS) (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Autopsy's dark. Who'd you get to back us? TONY: Pacci's covering receiving. Balboa the elevator. GIBBS: Pacci. Gibbs. (BEGIN SCENE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You in place? PACCI: Affirmative. Ambulance is empty. Elevator door closed. You want us to enter? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Negative. Hold your position. Balboa? (SCENE CUT) BALBOA: Standing by. Personnel elevator locked down. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Disable the bell. Go down to autopsy. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Do not open the doors. BALBOA: (V.O./FILTERED) Roger.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: I'm going to MTAC. TONY: We've got a hostage situation, don't we, boss? GIBBS: Time to make a phone call. TONY: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Don't worry, son. I'll take care of you. KATE: You b*st*rd! ARI: You seemed like such a bright young woman and that's all you can say? (GERALD SHOUTS) KATE: You b*st*rd! DUCKY: Kate! Kate! Kate! My medical bag. Over by the desk on the floor. Sorry, Gerald. Hang on. I've got morphine. ARI: I would dislike having to put a slug through Gerald's knee as well. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRWELL (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Gibbs. DiNozzo. Kate just ran past the doors inside autopsy. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) She just ran back again. GIBBS: I read you, Tony. Stand by. MORROW: No video from autopsy. GIBBS: It's looking like a hostage situation, Director. Three of our people; Doctor Mallard, his assistant Gerald Jackson, Special Agent Kate Todd. Unknown number of dirt bags. MORROW: Let's find out. Start tapes. VOICE: Yes, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ARI: Answer the phone, Doctor. DUCKY: You answer it! I'm trying to stop this bleeding. Give him the morphine! KATE: Where? ARI: In the thigh right through the cloth. You better answer that call or you'll be working on his knee. DUCKY: Kate, come here. Come here. Throw that away! Come here! Come. Put pressure on here. If the blood seeps through your fingers, then push harder. (INTO PHONE) Autopsy. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Ducky. What's with the infectious autopsy? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Purely precautionary. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Is that why you took the evidence back? (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, sorry. But I'm really busy. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, is Kate there? (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) No. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) She left a few minutes ago. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay. You let me know when I can come down. You got me curious. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I can't wait to weigh your liver. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRWELL - DAY TONY: (V.O.) Unknown male in autopsy... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...wearing greens. Medium build and height. GIBBS: Copy. MORROW: The FBI Hostage Rescue Team will be onsite in seven minutes. We need an eye in autopsy. GIBBS: On it. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY - DAY KATE: How's he doing? GERALD: I'm fine. KATE: The bleeding stopped. That's good. ARI: Yes, and no. Correct, Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: I had to clamp his axillary artery to stop it. ARI: Which means Gerald will lose his arm if the artery isn't repaired and the blood flow restored soon. KATE: Ducky, can't you do that? DUCKY: This is an autopsy room, not an ER. No, I can't. I'm sorry. He's going to need a fully equipped room and staff. ARI: Which he will get as soon as I'm out of here. So where is the evidence collected in Qassam's room? KATE: The lock-up. ARI: Which is? KATE: In the garage, one floor up. ARI: The same way I came in. KATE: I don't know how you came in. ARI: In a body bag. KATE: Same way you're going out. ARI: Is it the same garage? DUCKY: No. The evidence locker is in the garage next to forensics. Above us. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS THREADS THE MICRO CAMERA THROUGH THE FLOOR) ABBY: Oh god. Gerald! Oh, I should be in there! GIBBS: Feed it into MTAC. Hey, maybe you're not there, Abby, because you are needed here. Go! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY MORROW: One intruder. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: That's all I see, Sir. Zoom in! (SFX: MUFFLED GUNFIRE) GIBBS: Guess he knows we're on to him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ARI UNPACKS HIS BAG) ARI: Doctor, Caitlin, put Qassam in the body bag. (SFX: WARNING BUZZER IN CORRIDOR) ARI: Now, please. Soon they'll be calling to negotiate your release. KATE: We don't negotiate with terrorists. ARI: Caitlin, when you get to know me better, you won't call me that. KATE: I have no intention of getting to know you better. ARI: Are you sure? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: WARNING BUZZER B.G.) GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs. HOROWITZ: H-R-T Leader Horowitz. What do you got, Gibbs? GIBBS: A terrorist is holding three of our people hostage in autopsy. One of the hostages is wounded. We're here. This is autopsy. There are three exits: elevator, staircase, receiving. I have special agents at all three and they're on TAC-one. HOROWITZ: Team one - elevator. Team two - stairway. Three - receiving. GIBBS: (INTO RADIO/OVERLAP) Balboa, bring the elevator to level three for H-R-T. Pacci, DiNozzo, replacements are on the way. Stairwell and elevators on the other side of the staircase. Your Team Three will have to access receiving from the alley. HOROWITZ: Okay, let's hit it, gentlemen! Let's move! GIBBS: Hang on a second. Those hostages are our people. I'm in charge here. Understood? HOROWITZ: Understood. Let's move out! (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY MORROW: This is a video frame of the man holding our people hostage.(BEGIN VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) CASSIDY: (ON SCREEN) Nice smile. MORROW: I'm sure. Do you recognize him? CASSIDY: (ON SCREEN) I just meant that I would remember it, Sir, and I don't. The detainee who gave up Qassam may be able to identify him. SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) I'm sorry, Director, I was on with Tel Aviv. Did Qassam work at Little Creek? MORROW: He did. SNYDER: (ON SCREEN) There's our Hamas connection. The Israelis are training at Little Creek on Hurricane boats. GIBBS: I should have known that, Sir. MORROW: See if Tel Aviv can identify him. Apparently our hostage taker is Hamas, but what's he after? ARKIN: Negotiator Arkin, Director. If you'll open up a phone line to him, I'll find out. GIBBS: I already know, Sir. He's here to retrieve Qassam's body and blood. MORROW: Blood? GIBBS: Hamas doesn't want us to know they had an infected terrorist serving burgers and fries to American and Israeli sailors. MORROW: Get me CDC. Infected with what? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY (ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: Typhoid, anthrax, small pox - it could be any number of diseases with high morbidity. TONY: (OVERLAP) Kate and I have been exposed. GIBBS: Maybe not. TONY: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlie. CHARLIE: What? TONY: (LOUDLY) The evidence I signed in now! (TO GIBBS) Why haven't we been exposed? GIBBS: If Qassam was infectious, the attack would have been successful. No need to send a cleaner to keep us from finding out. TONY: Maybe they wanted to delay our isolating exposed sailors to induce an epidemic. ABBY: So sick. Well it is! CHARLIE: One of you has to sign for that! TONY: Don't wash. GIBBS: Sorry. There's two more. Qassam would not have infected himself until he got a job on base. He would have carried the virus in something that's here. ABBY: How long was Qassam slinging burgers? TONY: Eight days. ABBY: That's good news. Usually it takes longer than that to become infectious. TONY: Usually? ABBY: Okay, I'm going to start testing. GIBBS: Not until we get duplicates to give him. I'm not giving him the virus back. ABBY: Well, the pharmacy will have the aspirin, and nasal spray, the breath freshener, and the nearest place to get the tea... would be... The Tea Peddler. Two seven eight eight Connecticut Avenue. Now can I get started? (ABBY WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: How long do you think it would have taken me to find the nearest tea shop? TONY: An hour sooner than me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY ARI: (V.O.) I've regrettably had to demonstrate the consequence of not obeying my orders. The man I shot is in danger of losing his arm.(BEGIN VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) ARKIN: Well then it's important-- (SCENE CUT) ARI: When all evidence collected from Qassam's room is in my hands... (SCENE CUT) ARI: (V.O.) ... you may have your wounded man. ARKIN: I'll need the approval of the NCIS... (SCENE CUT) ARKIN: (V.O.) ...Director before I... ARI: He's standing next to you. (SCENE CUT) ARI: (V.O.) Nod yes to the negotiator, Director Morrow. ARKIN: You have a deal. (SCENE CUT) ARKIN: (V.O.) Now can we talk about releasing...? ARI: You have ten minutes. (SCENE CUT) ARKIN: No, we need more ti-- (SFX: DIAL TONE) (END VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (DUCKY ZIPS THE BODY BAG) DUCKY: (WHISPERS) Kate, no! He wants you to try. KATE: Doctor Mallard thinks you were daring me to pick up this knife. ARI: The proper term is a dissecting tool. KATE: You didn't answer my question! You just wanted another excuse to shoot Gerald, didn't you! (ARI HITS KATE) ARI: (laughs) I have no intention of shooting Gerald again, Caitlin. I did, however, want to see if I was right about you. KATE: Next time I'll be quicker. ARI: Oh, don't you wonder why you weren't now? DUCKY: Uh, could you give me a go? ARI: I think not, Doctor. You would kill me without hesitation. I do, however, think you would regret it. Now, we have work to do if we're all to survive this day. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM ABBY: (ON SCREEN) It's definitely a variola smallpox virus. That's good news because it's not a flat or hemorrhagic small pox which is always fatal.(BEGIN VIDEO CONFERENCE CALL) GIBBS: Where'd you find it? ABBY: (ON SCREEN) Up your nose has a special meaning for this guy. GIBBS: That's good work, Abby.(PHONE RINGS B.G.) CONSOLE AGENT: (V.O.) Hostage taker calling. ARKIN: Hello. (SCENE CUT) ARKIN: (V.O.) I don't know your name. ARI: (INTO PHONE) Is Special Agent Gibbs there? (SCENE CUT) ARKIN: I don't know who that is. GIBBS: I'm here. ARI: (V.O.) Thought you might be. You've seen me on video. (SCENE CUT) ARI: (INTO PHONE) My turn to see you. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Looking forward to it. ARI: (V.O.) Come alone. Unarmed. (SCENE CUT) ARI: (V.O.) ...and don't forget Qassam's things. (END VIDEO CONFERENCE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: Got it all bagged and tagged, boss. Aspirin, breath freshener, nasal spray, and tea. Qassam drank a wimpy Darjeeling from northwestern Kashmir. I prefer the darker, more robust flavor of tea from the brahmaputra area in northeast India where they actually take the leaf and they rake it... GIBBS: Tony. TONY: Yeah, boss? GIBBS: You nervous? TONY: Yeah. I don't like you going down there unarmed and solo. GIBBS: No choice. Besides, I need you outside receiving. Team one. Gibbs. Elevator to level three. TONY: By the time we get down from receiving, it'll be over. GIBBS: This guy's not a suicide bomber. He has an escape plan. Maybe to get out the same way he came in. I want someone I know there. TONY: That's the same as saying someone you trust. Someone you can depend on. (ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ABBY: I tested everything. The nasal spray was the only viral container. GIBBS: Thanks, Abs. TONY: Your best man!? (ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE SHUT) TONY: I don't think best man was the right thing to say to someone who has been married thrice. ABBY: You worried? TONY: Oh, no. ABBY: Yeah, me too. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS) (GIBBS WALKS TO THE AUTOPSY LAB) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY ARI: (V.O.) You're older than I expected. GIBBS: Where are the other hostages? ARI: Box on the floor. Hands on top of your head, turn around, and walk back to the door. GIBBS: Not without Gerald. ARI: He won't leave here at all unless you put the box on the floor, your hands on your head, turn around. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Turn around and walk back to the door. Older doesn't mean deaf. You want out of here alive? ARI: I'm sure Gerald does. GIBBS: I think you do, too. That's why very slowly now I'm going to reach into this box and take out of here with two fingers exactly what you want. (GIBBS SNIFFS THE NASAL SPRAY) GIBBS: Ah! Surprise! You failed. Mission over. The real smallpox virus is on its way to CDC. Do you want to talk about whether you live or die? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR SHOOTER: (MUFFLED) I have a shot. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY HOROWITZ: Negative. Too risky through glass. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY ARI: How far were you from Qassam when you shot him? GIBBS: Oh, I don't know. ARI: You measured it for your incident report. GIBBS: Thirty seven feet and a few inches, give or take. ARI: Oh, you're a very good shot. GIBBS: I would love to demonstrate. ARI: Funny. Special Agent Todd said the same thing. GIBBS: Where is she? And the doctor? ARI: Would you truly like to demonstrate? GIBBS: Yep. ARI: Agent Todd's Sig Sauer is in the box to your left. The clip is from the Sig Sauer. Untampered. All live rounds. (PAUSE) Pick it up. (SFX: GUN CHAMBER CLICKS) GIBBS: Why? ARI: Why not? (SFX: GUNFIRE) (SFX: FLASH BANG GRENADE EXPLODES) (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) HOROWITZ: Let's go! Go! Go! Go! Come on! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SWAT TEAM STORMS THE AUTOPSY ROOM) (VOICES SHOUT B.G.) SWAT MEMBER: Target's down! I've got him! Over here! (SFX: VOICES MUFFLED B.G.) TONY: (ECHO F/X) Boss! Boss! Hey, boss. Listen, don't try to sit up. Don't sit up. The EMTs will be here in a minute. It's a through and through. Nothing vital. GIBBS: Did I get him? TONY: Yeah, you got him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY ABBY: I've got to get down there. (ABBY MOVES INTO THE ELEVATOR) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY TONY: Well, you were right, boss. He had an accomplice in H.R.T gear inside the receiving elevator. Shot both the H.R.T guys before I nailed him. One of them's dead. The other's going to make it. GIBBS: Where are Kate and Ducky? TONY: Right here. He had them in the body drawer. HOROWITZ: How'd you get him, Gibbs? (GIBBS TURNS OVER THE BODY) GIBBS: I didn't. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: The way he escaped was always his back up plan. He just needed someone he could count on to shoot him in the chest to trigger the assault. Gibbs figures he was wearing a bullet proof vest all along. KATE: He was. I felt it. TONY: You felt it? Well, how close did you get to feel it? Close enough to touch him. With your hands or did you touch him with...? KATE: Close enough to stab him with the knife in my hand. TONY: And you didn't. KATE: No. TONY: Stockholm Syndrome? KATE: You can't identify with your captor in an hour. TONY: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's like falling in love. That can happen... like that. (SNAPS FINGER) (PASSAGE OF TIME) (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) (ABBY LAYS ON THE TABLE/DUCKY WALKS FROM THE ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS LOOKS AT HIS PISTOL) (SFX: GUNFIRE) (FADE TO BLACK) (ENDING CREDITS CONTINUE AND OUT)

Plan: A: an emergency call; Q: What does Ducky respond to? A: a Royal Navy officer; Q: What was the Israeli Embassy sending to NCIS for autopsy? A: a gunman; Q: What does Ducky find in the body bag? A: later episodes; Q: When is the gunman revealed to be Ari Haswari? A: to be recurring antagonist Ari Haswari; Q: Who is the gunman? A: Kate; Q: Who hesitates to kill her captor? A: the autopsy lab; Q: Where are Ducky, Gerald, and Kate held hostage? A: an FBI strike team; Q: Who does the director and Gibbs coordinate with to negotiate the release of Ducky, Gerald, and Kate? A: the hostage rescue team; Q: Who does Gibbs and Tony assist? Summary: Ducky responds to an emergency call when the Israeli Embassy sends a Royal Navy officer to NCIS for autopsy, only to find a gunman (revealed in later episodes to be recurring antagonist Ari Haswari ) inside the body bag. As Ducky, Gerald and eventually Kate are held hostage in the autopsy lab, the director and Gibbs coordinate with an FBI strike team to negotiate their release. Meanwhile, Kate questions herself after she hesitates when presented with an opportunity to kill her captor, while Gibbs and Tony assist with the hostage rescue team. Haswari asks for Gibbs in the autopsy lab and challenges him to try and shoot him.

OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW - SIDEWALK [Lorelai is carrying a large garbage bag full of shoes and not looking where she is going. Miss Patty exits a shop.] PATTY: Whoa, honey. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. PATTY: Goodness, what's left to wear on your feet? LORELAI: I know it's a sickness. Everyone thinks it started with Bradshaw but actually it came over on the Mayflower. PATTY: What a wonderful history lesson. LORELAI: Anytime. [Man shouting in a foreign language inside a shop. Lorelai drops her bag as something flies out the door at her.] PATTY: Pasqualie's feeling unappreciated again. LORELAI: We had 'Stars Hollow Loves Pasqualie Day' last week. PATTY: Didn't stick. Oh, listen. I want to invite you to my anniversary party. LORELAI: Absolutely. Which husband? PATTY: Oh, no husband, honey. I'm talking about a lover that's been much more loyal and seductive than a husband. I'm talking about that business we call show. LORELAI: Ah. PATTY: Forty years. LORELAI: No. PATTY: Forty years ago today I did my first play off Broadway. LORELAI: [awed] Off Broadway. PATTY: Cleveland. LORELAI: That is off Broadway. PATTY: Anyhow, I thought I'd throw a big party. Food, booze, a little song, a little dance. A little salsa down your pants. LORELAI: Well, count me and my pants in. PATTY: Oh, wonderful! LORELAI: [picking up her bag] I will even drag Luke there. So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him. PATTY: Oh, Luke won't come. LORELAI: Sure, he will. I have very effective methods of persuasion. They include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products. PATTY: Oh, no, honey. The party's on Tuesday the 30th. LORELAI: So? PATTY: So, the 30th is the dark day LORELAI: [dropping her bag again] What dark day? PATTY: Luke's dark day. The day that he disappears. LORELAI: Disappears where? PATTY: Nobody knows. Nobody knows where he goes or what he does. All we know is not to try and find him. LORELAI: Why didn't I know about this? PATTY: I don't know, honey. Everyone else does. Anyhow you come yourself, ok? Eight o' clock. LORELAI: I'll be there. See you Tuesday, Patty. [Walks into shop] Oh Pasqualie, the maestro! My god, you look virile today. Are you sure your wife won't share you? PATTY: [watching Lorelai] Oh, she's good. CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM [Paris and Terrance are sitting on the couch in the common room.] PARIS: I don't agree. TERRANCE: You're living in a fantasy world. PARIS: I have classes all day long. TERRANCE: I hear you protesting. [Rory enters] PARIS: I've got a double major of Poly Psy and Bio Chem, Terrance. TERRANCE: I see you over-scheduling. RORY: Sorry, I'm just getting water, here. TERRANCE: Paris, you're not yelling at me. You're yelling at the world. PARIS: I'm not yelling at all. This is the natural register of my voice. [Rory looks around the room and in cupboards.] TERRANCE: It's the register of a timid little girl, who is not putting her self out there. PARIS: I am putting myself out there. TERRANCE: Why are you arguing with Terrance? Why? PARIS: Look, I know I haven't dated lately but Asher was very important to me. RORY: Hey Paris? I can't find my notebook. The black one with all my yellow notes in it. TERRANCE: You have not put yourself out there. PARIS: He just died. TERRANCE: Oh for god's sake! He was halfway dead when you met him. [to Rory] Rory, has she been putting herself out there or not? RORY: Out where? TERRANCE: Out in the world. Has she tried to meet men since Asher died? PARIS: You don't just meet people. It doesn't happen. RORY: Um, I'll just go in my room now. TERRANCE: Look at your dream log. You are months behind. And your pretty-thoughts journal. PARIS: Ok, fine. I have neglected thinking pretty, but I hardly think I should be penalized for time lost while you were in court ordered rehab. RORY: [picking up a note by the phone] Hey, Paris? What's this? TERRANCE: I had a back problem. The prescription was at home in my Filofax. RORY: This is a message from Headmaster Charleston. When did Headmaster Charleston call? PARIS: Earlier. RORY: And you didn't tell me? PARIS: I'm in session. RORY: [on phone] Hello, Headmaster Charleston? This is Rory Gilmore. I'm sorry it took so long to call you back. I just got your message. TERRANCE: [to Rory] Sweetie, that was a little passive-aggressive. We should talk later. RORY: So, um, how are you? [Rory goes into her room and closes the door] HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm very well. How are you enjoying Yale? RORY: I love it. CUT TO CHILTON - HEADMASTER CHARLESTON'S OFFICE [Scene switches between Rory's room and Chilton] HDM. CHARLESTON: Is it everything you thought it would be? RORY: It's nothing like I thought it would be. It's better actually. HDM. CHARLESTON: I have no doubt. Now, I'm calling because we often ask a former Chilton student to host a prospective Yale student for a few days. Show them around. Let them observe classes, campus life. That sort of thing. I was wondering if you'd be interested. RORY: Me? HDM. CHARLESTON: Yes. This is a very special young lady. Bright, focused, quietly determined. She reminds me a great deal of you. RORY: Thank you. HDM. CHARLESTON: I assume you haven't changed. RORY: Well, I've upgraded the wardrobe a little bit but I'm basically still me. HDM. CHARLESTON: Excellent. Then I hope you'll consider accepting. I know your workload must be substantial. RORY: That's ok I can handle it. HDM. CHARLESTON: So I can take that as a yes? RORY: Yes. Take it as a yes and thank you. I'm honored. HDM. CHARLESTON: Her name is Anna Fairchild. She's 16 years old and she'll be arriving Monday morning at nine o' clock. Does that work for you? RORY: That works perfectly. HDM. CHARLESTON: Very well, it's a date. I'm very glad to talk to you again, Ms. Gilmore. Yale certainly sounds like its agreeing with you. I hope it will also agree with Ms. Fairchild. RORY: Like Sabrina! HDM. CHARLESTON: I beg your pardon? RORY: Sabrina Fairchild. That was her name. HDM. CHARLESTON: Have we segued into discussing a movie? RORY: And we can segue right out again. HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm very grateful for that. All right then, my office will be contacting you with the particulars. I hope you have a wonderful time. I'm sure Ms. Fairchild will. RORY: Thank you, Headmaster Charleston. I won't let you down. HDM. CHARLESTON: What a nice thing to hear. I'm sure we'll be talking soon. Goodbye. RORY: Goodbye. [Hangs up] CUT TO ELDER GILMORES' RESIDENCE - POOL HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory sit on a couch across from Richard in a chair.] RICHARD: Well this is a very big honor, you know. RORY: Oh, I know. RICHARD: Of all the Chilton alumni at Yale they're asking you? RORY: I know, I know. RICHARD: Well, have you thought about what kind of things you'd like to show her? RORY: Well, she'll go to all of my classes with me, of course. And I thought maybe she'd go to the paper with me and then I thought maybe a trip to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library. RICHARD: Oh, you're going to show her the Gutenberg. LORELAI: Steve? RICHARD: Bible. LORELAI: Right. RORY: Then I was torn between taking her to the Hewitt Memorial Quadrangle or the Science Center and Gymnasium. RICHARD: Huh, that is a conundrum. LORELAI: Yeah, especially since she'll be snoring by then. You'll just be dragging her dead body weight around the campus. RICHARD: Lorelai, these things are of great interest to any young person considering attending Yale. LORELAI: Oh, I am sure. RORY: I, personally, would enjoy every single thing on my list. LORELAI: Yes, I know, but it wouldn't hurt to maybe throw a little something fun in. I'm not talking a kegger, but just walk her by the crazy drama students yelling "Give me a location," or something like that. RICHARD: You know, your mother may be right. LORELAI: Who heard that? RICHARD: Well, a good college experience is a well-rounded college experience. It's important for you to show her that Yale students have fun too. Oh! Have her touch the toe! RORY: Yeah! LORELAI: Touch the toe? RORY: The toe! The statue of Theodore Woolsey. It brings good luck to everyone who touches his feet and for that reason he has one left toe that's been rubbed completely shiny. LORELAI: Wow! That is fun. Make sure you get a parent consent form for that one. RICHARD: Oh, its so exciting watching you at Yale. It was such a wonderful time for me. The people that you meet there will stay with you for the rest of your life, mark my words. Tell me are you making good friends? RORY: Yeah, I have some good friends. RICHARD: And what about Mr. Huntzberger? LORELAI: Who is Mr. Huntzberger? RORY: Um, Logan Huntzberger is a boy I go to school with. RICHARD: A fine boy from a fine family. LORELAI: You know him? RICHARD: His parents are very good friends of ours. Oh, you know Mitchum Huntzberger, Lorelai. LORELAI: No. RICHARD: He's been coming to our Christmas parties for years. LORELAI: No. RICHARD: His mother's on the pediatric hospital committee with your mother. LORELAI: Oh! No. RICHARD: Well, Logan is their son and I noticed that you two seemed to be hitting it off the other night. LORELAI: The other night? RORY: He's very nice, Grandpa. RICHARD: Now I don't want to be too forward, but you made a handsome couple. LORELAI: Uh, was Logan at the male-Yale party that you guys threw? RORY: He was the one that gave me a ride home, Mom. LORELAI: Oh! Limo boy. Swell. RORY: He's also on the paper with me. RICHARD: You know, his father owns some of the finest newspapers in the country. RORY: I know. RICHARD: Not a bad connection, huh? Nope, not a bad connection at all. CUT TO ELDER GILMORES' RESIDENCE - OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory are walking to the main house] LORELAI: Hey. So tell me about this Logan. RORY: Its three degrees out here! LORELAI: Uh, as of tonight, my father knows way more personal dish about you than I do. That's not right or fair. He doesn't get as much enjoyment out of the dish as I do. With him the dish is always half empty. RORY: You're just talking to keep yourself warm, aren't you? LORELAI: What is the deal with this guy? Are you dating? RORY: No, we're not dating. He's just a friend. LORELAI: How close? For example, if you freeze to death will he come to the funeral or just send a nice fruit basket? RORY: I know him from school. He's just a casual friend. That's it. LORELAI: Do you think he's cute? RORY: It doesn't matter if I think he's cute. LORELAI: Uh, it matters to me. I don't want ugly grandchildren. RORY: Mom, I'm not dating Logan or anyone. I'm taking a boy break. Okay? I'm just concentrating on school. That's it. LORELAI: Fine, but if that changes? RORY: You'll be the first to know. LORELAI: Okay, thank you. Cause there are not many ways I can outdo my father. Info on you and looking better in chiffon, that's about it. Oh and my pole dance is way hotter. RORY: I'm frozen now. LORELAI: Okay, let's go. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Lorelai walks in wearing Luke's flannel shirt and carrying a whole pie on her arm. Luke is at the kitchen table pouring juice.] LORELAI: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner. I am never more than ten feet away from pie. LUKE: Ah. See, I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat. LORELAI: [climbs into bed] Ah! Its heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter. LUKE: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka. LORELAI: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close. [Luke gets into bed] This is nice. LUKE: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: I think its going very well, you and me. Do you think its going very well? LUKE: [rubbing Lorelai's leg] I have very few complaints. LORELAI: Hmm, I'm going right past the "very few complaints" comment because I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints? [Luke chuckles]Hey, so Luke, Miss Patty is celebrating her forty year anniversary. LUKE: Which husband? LORELAI: With the business we call show. LUKE: Oh, him. LORELAI: And she's having a big party and I told her we'd go. LUKE: Oh man. LORELAI: It'll be fun. LUKE: It will not be fun. LORELAI: She'll be wearing tap shoes. There'll be songs and punch and at least one story about Milton Berle's pen1s. LUKE: Only one? LORELAI: Come on! I have to have you there. Otherwise people will think I made you up. LUKE: Fine, I'll go. LORELAI: Thank you. Okay, so its Tuesday at Eight o' clock. [ Luke sits up and climbs under the covers] LUKE: I can't go Tuesday. LORELAI: Why not? LUKE: I have to go out of town. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: Business. LORELAI: Business? Now your Willy Loman? LUKE: Banking business in Woodbury. Standing appointment. Sorry. Hit the light, will ya? [kisses Lorelai] I have to get up early. Night. LORELAI: [disappointed] Ok, night. CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM [Rory enters the room. Paris is at her craft table.] RORY: Wait 'til you see all the stuff I got for Anna. Yale t-shirt, bulldog sweatshirt, Yale baseball cap, visor, coffee mug. I told you to open a window when your hot-gluing in here. PARIS: Its freezing outside. RORY: Oh wait. This is new. They just came out with these. The Yale soda-cozy. How cute is that? PARIS: I can't believe you. You don't even have your loser card-swiping job anymore and you're buying all this crap for some kid you don't even know. RORY: I'm trying to make her feel welcome. PARIS: Oh she'll feel welcome. They all feel welcome. RORY: Whose they? PARIS: The enemy. RORY: What enemy? PARIS: Any girl under the age of 17 is the enemy. RORY: Ok, I'm opening a window now. [walks to the window] PARIS: They're coming for everything. They're going to take our jobs, our thunder, our starter husbands. RORY: Don't you have a class to get to? [opens the window] PARIS: They're coming, Rory. They're coming and they're going to keep on coming like the locusts descending on Mankato. We'll be beating them off for the rest of our lives. RORY: Please don't be here when she arrives. I don't want you to scare her off. PARIS: Me scare her off? Please, she's the one with the alabaster skin and perky breasts. [Knock at door] RORY: Do not say perky breasts to her. Do you understand me? PARIS: Eve Harrington has arrived. [Rory opens the door] ANNA: Hi. I'm looking for Rory Gilmore. RORY: I'm Rory. You must be Anna. ANNA: Yes. RORY: Great, come in. Did you find it okay? ANNA: I got lost a couple of times, but people were really nice and got me here. PARIS: Yeah, it's a friendly world out there. Isn't it? RORY: Anna, this is my roommate, Paris, and I'm sorry. ANNA: For what? RORY: Trust me. ANNA: Ok. RORY: Ok, let me show you around the place. That is Paris' room. PARIS: Don't go in. RORY: That is my room and this is the common room, which is also your bedroom. Bathroom is literally outside the door and there's a fridge with water or soda or whatever you want. Oh and I got you some 'Welcome to Yale' gifts. ANNA: Oh, really? Thank you. RORY: I'm really glad you're here. You are going to love Yale. It's an amazing place. I mean I was excited when I first started here, but every day is different and better. You have no idea how much there is to learn. It's -- Well you'll see. [Knock on the door. Marty enters with a bag of food.] MARTY: Okay, I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result. [seeing Anna] Hey. RORY: This is Anna. MARTY: [gasps] Did Paris move? PARIS: I'm right here, Marty. MARTY: I know, Paris. RORY: Anna, is from Chilton, my alma mater and I'm showing her around Yale for a couple of days. MARTY: Oh, cool. MARTY: I'll put this in the fridge... [Paris coughs] ...in my room. RORY: Thanks. Ok, you ready? ANNA: I'm ready. You have boys bringing you food! RORY: Yale is a magical place, Anna. A magical, magical place. [Rory and Anna exit.] CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE COURTYARD [Rory and Anna are walking. Rory is talking, Anna writing down everything she says.] RORY: The oldest part of the campus is, of course, the old campus. And it houses much of the undergraduate freshman class. It was begun by Theodore Dwight Woolsey, president of Yale from 1846 to 1871. [Stops at bench] Over here is the Elihu Yale bench. Now Eli Yale was an officer in the British East India Company. He gave what was then called the Collegiate School 562 pounds, 417 books and a portrait of King George the first and so it was renamed in his honor. He actually gave an additional 500 pounds to the school, but Yale College never received it because he mistakenly sent it to the non-existent Collegiate School, apparently forgetting that Yale was named after him. [stops] Oh wait. This is the wrong bench. So keep the story but cross out the diagram. Moving on. CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE NEWSPAPER OFFICE [Rory and Anna walk down the hallway.] RORY: There's actually an ongoing rumor that you can automatically graduate and earn your degree if you become sufficiently fluent in Latin, Greek and Hebrew. Imagine all the tables you could wait with those skills, huh? [stops at door] Okay, you are about to get a first-hand feel of what it's like to work on a real newspaper. Now, be prepared. It can be an extremely hectic and fast-paced environment. Don't get intimidated and don't get in the way. Ready? Here it is.[They enter the room. It is mostly empty, save for a few people sitting around, doing nothing.] Everyone must be out getting a scoop or something, but you just wait. It could heat up in a second and when it does, man, watch out. My desk is over here. [Paris and Doyle enter, arguing. Rory and Anna watch from the side of the room] PARIS: I do not care. DOYLE: Hey! I am the editor, Paris, and I demand that you tell me. PARIS: I won't tell you where I got it, Doyle. DOYLE: You will if you want to stay on this newspaper. RORY: Okay, you are now privy to one of the classic journalist dilemmas between reporter and editor, the right to withhold and protect sources. DOYLE: Dammit, Paris, you tell me where you got that pen right now. PARIS: The pen fairy. DOYLE: That was one of my personal fine point, gel tip pens from my bottom right-hand drawer and you went into that drawer and you took that pen and its mine. RORY: Ok, for 'fine point gel tip' substitute 'confidential source deep within the administration.' Hmm, you get a little thrill. Don't you? [Phone rings] DOYLE: And so help me . . . RORY: Hang on a second. [on phone] Hey CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN [Scene switches between Yale and the inn.] LORELAI: Question. Have you ever heard anything about Luke's dark day? RORY: His what? LORELAI: Well, one day a year he apparently has a dark day. No one knows where he goes or what he does. He just disappears. RORY: I've heard nothing about this. LORELAI: Ok, well, did we see him on November 30th last year? RORY: How am I supposed to know? LORELAI: Because, you keep all those crazy, a**l, Bob Graham kind of notebooks. 8:00 a.m. - Got up. 8:15 - Brushed teeth. 8:25 - Had impure thoughts. 8:36 - Sent dwarves off to work. RORY: I do not have my diaries from last November on me, at the moment. LORELAI: But you do have them? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning? RORY: [embarrassed] Yes. LORELAI: I love my little circus freak. RORY: I'll call you later. LORELAI: Hey! Did your mini-me show up? RORY: Yeah, Anna. She's right here. LORELAI: How's the tour going? RORY: Its going great! LORELAI: How many boring bench lectures did you give? RORY: Two, but they were about the same bench. LORELAI: [ Kirk appears in front of her.] You know what, I have someone standing abnormally close to me right now. I'll call you later. RORY: Ok, say 'Hi' to Kirk for me. LORELAI: Ok, bye. [hangs up] Kirk, what can I do for you? KIRK: I have a business proposition for you. LORELAI: Okay. KIRK: How often do you slip in your tub? LORELAI: Never. KIRK: Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that. LORELAI: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out. KIRK: I thought so. Then my new line of bath and shower adhesive decals are for you. [Hands her a catalog] LORELAI: Huh! Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. KIRK: Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology. LORELAI: Well, Kirk, this looks very impressive. . . [flipping through catalog] and, wow, very expensive. KIRK: Well its yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors with tomorrow's traction technology. LORELAI: Hmm, well, why don't you leave the catalog with me and I'll look it over. KIRK: Could you look at it now? It's the only one I have. [They sit.] I like that one. If you put the fish's faces together, it looks like they're kissing. LORELAI: [chuckles] Oh! Hey, Kirk, do you know anything about Luke's dark day? KIRK: Everyone knows about Luke's dark day. LORELAI: Do you know what it is? KIRK: Not the details. Just that he has it once a year. I think it goes back a long, long time. LORELAI: Yeah? KIRK: Sure, I mean Luke's always had a touch of darkness in him. I guess we all do but Luke's a little more touched than some. He's kind of grabbed actually. LORELAI: What do you think it's about? KIRK: When I was in 7th grade, Luke knocked the books out of my hands. LORELAI: [intrigued] Because of his dark day? KIRK: No, everyone knocked my books out of my hands. I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school. LORELAI: Hmm. CUT TO YALE - LIBRARY [Rory and Anna walk through the library stopping in an aisle.] RORY: Now, outside, we just passed the women's table which was designed by Maya Lin. She's also the one who designed the Vietnam War Memorial which, by the way, originally was a class project for which she received a B. The teacher who gave her the B also submitted a design for the war memorial, but hers was chosen. His was not. That's a life lesson to remember. This is Sterling Memorial Library, one of my favorite places on campus. It was built in 1930 and it houses over one third of the university's ten million volumes. I love libraries. I spend I can't tell you how many hours just -- [looking at Anna] You're not writing. ANNA: Oh, sorry. RORY: So, I come her sometimes late at night -- ANNA: I just love how everybody's dressed. RORY: What? ANNA: No uniforms. I love that there's no uniforms. College to me means no more uniforms. RORY: Oh, right. However, wait 'til you're late to class and it takes you 20 minutes to put together an outfit. Suddenly you'll miss those uniforms. ANNA: How many guys have you dated since you've been here? RORY: Oh. Well, none from Yale. Anyhow, the books. Are you seeing the books? Everything you'd want to read is right here? [Picking up book] Feel it. Feels good, right? Now smell it. [inhales and sighs] Nothing, nothing smells like that! [Logan enters] LOGAN: I'm sorry, excuse me, did I just see you smell that book? RORY: [embarrassed] Hey, Logan. LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Who's your friend? RORY: Oh, um, Anna, this is Logan. Logan, this is Anna. She's from my high school. I'm showing her around campus. ANNA: Hi LOGAN: High school? No, I would've sworn you were a college girl. [Anna giggles] So is she showing you a good time? RORY: I'm showing her everything important. LOGAN: Hmm, good. Make sure she takes you by the pub. Local place, everyone goes there. RORY: I'm not taking her to the pub. ANNA: Oh, please? The pub sounds fun. LOGAN: You don't have to drink. They do have coffee. It's a cool scene. Make her take you. Bring a book to sniff. RORY: What are you doing in the library anyhow? LOGAN: I got lost. Don't tell anyone I was here. It'll ruin my rep. Anna, it's been a pleasure. See you, Ace. [Logan exits] ANNA: He's cute. RORY: Yes, he is. But not as cute as Pushkin. Right this way, missy. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - SIDEWALK [Lorelai is driving down the street and sees Luke arguing loudly with a little old lady.] LUKE: Fine! Do whatever you want! MRS. THOMPSON: Well, I'm sorry you're so upset. LUKE: You're giving me a week's notice! What am I supposed to do with a week's notice? [Lorelai gets out and walks up to them.] MRS. THOMPSON: Well, my son just called me from Florida to tell me about the condo, Luke. LUKE: Fine! Go enjoy Florida. I hear they have great weather there. Terrific hurricanes. Make sure you bring plenty of plywood and bottled water! LORELAI: Hey, hi, hello. LUKE: What are you doing here? LORELAI: I was just driving down the street and saw you and thought I'd stop by and say "Hey, hi, hello." Hello, Mrs. Thompson. MRS. THOMPSON: Hello, dear. LORELAI: So, what's going on? LUKE: Nothing. Nothing's going on. MRS. THOMPSON: Luke, please understand. There's nothing I can do. I've already found someone to rent the house and they have cars. LUKE: And you just agreed to that? MRS. THOMPSON: It seemed rather reasonable to me. LUKE: Oh, come on. LORELAI: [confused] Um . . . MRS. THOMPSON: Luke's very upset with me. LORELAI: Why? MRS. THOMPSON: Well, his father rented the garage. He was building a boat and he didn't have room at his place. So he paid me to do it here and then when he died Luke continued to pay for the garage and now I'm moving to a nursing home and I need him to move his boat. LORELAI: [to Luke] Wait, you're mad because this little, old lady is moving to nursing home and you have move your boat? Is this really the story you want to stick to? LUKE: She called me out of blue and I paid for an entire month. MRS. THOMPSON: I can give you a partial refund if you like. LUKE: Where am I supposed to find a space to store a boat on a moment's notice, huh? Did you think about that for even a second? MRS. THOMPSON: Could we sit down? The doctor says the screw in my hip is loose. LORELAI: Yes. Yes, let's sit. Let's sit and calmly try to figure this out. LUKE: No. No, I've got it figured out. Just haul it off. Trash it. MRS. THOMPSON: Haul what off? LORELAI: The boat? LUKE: Yes, the boat. Scrap it. Find somebody to drag it away and cut it up for firewood. LORELAI: Oh, now Luke. MRS. THOMPSON: Who's going to haul it off? LUKE: Anyone. Just find a guy with a truck and a hook. He'll strap it on and drive it away and send me the bill. I'm done. [Luke walks away] LORELAI: Luke! [to Mrs. Thompson] I'll be right back. [Chasing Luke] Luke, stop! What, what and what? LUKE: I have been paying that woman every month for 15 years. LORELAI: Luke, she moving to a nursing home. LUKE: And my dad was paying her every month 20 years before that! LORELAI: Nursing home, Luke. LUKE: I know where she's going! LORELAI: She's not trying to hurt you. LUKE: Whatever. [Starts to walk away] LORELAI: Hey! Where are you going? LUKE: Back to the diner. LORELAI: Let me drive you. LUKE: No. LORELAI: Luke, I can drive you back to the diner. I promise if we pass any senior citizens I'll let you jump out and pants them. LUKE: Fine. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - STREET OUTSIDE [Lorelai pulls up in front of the diner. They sit in the Jeep.] LORELAI: And over here we have the world famous Luke's diner, home of the best coffee on the east coast and the most delightful and chatty proprietor since Mel kissed Flo's grits. [Luke is quiet and makes no attempt to get out.] Okay, well, I should get back to the inn. [Luke is still quiet] I hope you've enjoyed your tour and don't forget to buy yourself a souvenir plastic monkey on the way out. LUKE: Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death. LORELAI: [sympathetic] Ugh. Oh, hon. LUKE: And every year on that anniversary I, uh, I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone. I get in this kind of a funk. Its like I'm -- LORELAI: You have a dark day. LUKE: Yeah, I have a dark day. I thought I should tell you this because we're in relationship and I thought you might wonder why I suddenly don't answer the phone or I'm not around. Why you can't flip your hair and con me into going to Miss Patty's crazy anniversary party. LORELAI: The hair flip is that effective, huh? LUKE: Combine that with your black dress and you could probably get me to be your backup dancer. LORELAI: I'll remember that. LUKE: I've never told anyone this before. I don't really like to talk about it. LORELAI: I guess that explains the thing with Mrs. Thompson. LUKE: Yeah. Some timing, her springing this boat thing on me now. I'll apologize to her. [Sighs]You know he never finished that boat. It's been sitting there half done for 15 years. LORELAI: Hey, Luke, don't you think you might have been a little too hasty about the boat decision. I mean your upset and I bet someday you're gonna be really sorry you don't have that boat anymore. LUKE: No, its better she gets rid of the thing now. LORELAI: But -- LUKE: I haven't even looked at that boat since my dad got sick. Not a glance, nothing. LORELAI: Even more reason. LUKE: If its gone then I don't have to deal with it. Its time to move on. You know? LORELAI: But -- LUKE: I'm fine. Really. Thanks for the ride. LORELAI: Anytime. [They kiss. Luke gets out.] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO YALE - THE PUB [Rory and Anna enter.] ANNA: I love it here. RORY: You love it here? We just walked in. ANNA: I know but it feels so collegiate. RORY: Actually, you know what is great about this place? ANNA: Eli Yale drank here? RORY: No, they make amazing cappuccinos. Do you want one? ANNA: Yeah. RORY: Ok you go sit and I'll get the coffees. [Anna sits and Rory walks up to the bar.] Two cappuccinos, please. [Marty walks up] MARTY: Hey. RORY: Hi. You just get here? MARTY: Yep. RORY: You want a - [gestures to the bar] MARTY: Yes, please. RORY: [to bartender] I'm sorry, could you make that three cappuccinos? MARTY: So, how's it going? RORY: I think I may have overwhelmed Anna. Her hand cramped up about an hour ago and its been spasming ever since. MARTY: Where is she? RORY: She's right - [sees Anna at a table talking to two boys.] I turn around for one minute.[walks to table] Excuse me. ANNA: Oh, Rory! Mark and Matthew were just telling me about a great party tonight. RORY: Really? Well, that was very nice of them. Thank you. Matthew and Mark, was it? MARK: That's right. RORY: Well, how biblical. Ok, well, our schedule is completely full at the moment. [Anna's face falls] But if that changes, if things lighten up or if she suddenly ages two years in the next three hours, then we'll know where to find you. Ok? Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. MARK: [getting up] We'll be over here, just in case. ANNA: Rory! RORY: Anna! ANNA: Well, this is so not fair. [Marty sits down with the coffees.] You get to talk to boys. RORY: What? ANNA: Well, you were over there talking to Marty. RORY: That's different. Marty is just a friend. [Marty's face falls.] Which is another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal. Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless the word friendship is tattooed on your butt. Now, drink your coffee. It's good, huh? [Anna nods.] CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM [Rory's common room. Rory and Anna are in their pajamas.] ANNA: Can I sleep with the TV on? RORY: Um, yeah, as long as you don't wake Paris up, and that advice is for your own good. ANNA: And if I can't go to sleep? RORY: Then you don't go to sleep. ANNA: I love that! I love not having someone to tell me when to go to sleep. RORY: Yes, it's great. ANNA [Giddy]: I love sleeping with the TV on, and I love having no parents around, and I love cappuccino, and I love apple muffins, and I love college! [Paris comes out of her room, dressed to go out.] PARIS: What's she on? RORY: Four cappuccinos and three Red Bulls from the fridge. PARIS: Enjoy your night. How do I look? RORY: Where are you going? PARIS: I'm putting myself out there, Rory. RORY: Now? PARIS: Yes now. RORY: Its eleven o' clock at night. Who are you hoping to hook up with now? Spike and Drusilla? PARIS: Just tell me if my lipstick looks too whore-ish. RORY: Nope, just whore-ish enough. ANNA: [excited] Going out at eleven o' clock at night! I love college! PARIS: I may suffocate her when I get back. RORY: If you can catch her. PARIS: Bye. RORY: Good luck. RORY: Goodnight, Anna. ANNA: Goodnight. [Anna sits on the couch bouncing with excitement.] CUT TO YALE - CLASSROOM [Rory and Anna sit in a classroom. Anna is dozing off.] PROF. BELL: Which brings us to this question, does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud when it comes to the collective unconscious? RORY: Hey, pay attention. Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country. PROF. BELL: . . . All right. Let's call that close enough. But, now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth in culture after culture and say "Hey, Sigmund, like it or not here are the same basic characters over and over -" [Colin enters] COLIN: Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. PROF. BELL: I'm right in the middle of a class, young man. COLIN: I know, I'm sorry, I just -- [Runs up to stand by Rory's desk.] Rory, you can't just walk out like that. Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed. I mean what is that all about? PROF. BELL: Ok, you need to do this later. COLIN: I can't do this later. Rory I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me. PROF. BELL: Ok, out right now! Out! Just get - [Logan enters.] LOGAN: Colin! What are you doing, man? COLIN: Get the hell out of here! LOGAN: She's with me now. I told you that. Let it go. COLIN: I will not let it go! LOGAN: She doesn't love you. Rory, tell him you don't love him! COLIN: Everything was fine until you came along! LOGAN: Oh, don't blame me because you couldn't keep her. COLIN: I swear to god, I'm gonna kill you! LOGAN: Oh, I'd love to see you try. [Colin lungs at Logan. Boys begin fighting] PROF. BELL: Stop it! Stop it, right now! Anthony, get security! Break it up! What are you -- Gentlemen, you are losing control! [Logan throws Colin over a desk and jumps onto him.] You are in a classroom! [Finn enters wearing an old-time police uniform.] FINN: [blows whistle] All right, that's enough! Break it up, you two! [Grabs the boys, while the Professor realizes this is all a joke.] Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself, toying with these boys like this! They used to have pride! They used to have dignity! They used to have balls! [Starts to leave, but stops.] Dammit Gilmore, give them back their balls. [Boys exit room, but re- enter and bow, while class cheers and applauds] CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Sookie drag a tree across the lawn towards the garage.] SOOKIE: God, this is a lot of junk. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I mean, who has three Thigh Masters besides Suzanne Somers? LORELAI: Well, Mrs. Thompson apparently. SOOKIE: You'd think if you had three Thigh Masters, you'd wear slacks once in a while. I'm sorry, why exactly, did you have to take all this crap? LORELAI: It was the only way I could get her to give me the boat. Some guy wanted it and she got him to buy all her other crap. So, if I wanted the boat I had to take everything and that's what I did. I just have to hide it for a few days. Then, I'll move it. SOOKIE: Where? LORELAI: I don't know. Somewhere. The inn. I'll put it in the old stable out back. SOOKIE: Are you ever gonna tell Luke? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: When? LORELAI: A week, a year. I haven't thought that far in advance. I just couldn't let her get rid of his dad's boat. What if we hang the Thigh Masters on it? SOOKIE: Or get more trees! LORELAI: Yeah! Or get more trees. SOOKIE: Jackson's got some trees at home. LORELAI: Think I could borrow them? SOOKIE: Sure. We'll just wait 'til he lies down for his nap and sneak 'em right out of there. LORELAI: Great! Then, I'll hop a fence and get Richard Widmark to sign my grapefruit. CUT TO YALE - CLASSROOM [Boys are sitting at tables, while the women stand in front of them.] WOMAN: I'd like to welcome you all to today's speed-dating session. Many of you have been with us before. Many of you are first timers. So, for the latter group, here are the rules. Each couple will have one minute to talk and get a sense of the person across from them. When the bell rings, the women will get up and switch tables. Men, stay where you are. This will continue until every woman has met every man and after that it's up to you. Are you all ready? Then, let the dating begin. [Bell rings. Paris sits down.] JACK: I'm Jack. PARIS: I'm Paris. JACK: Did your parents travel a lot? PARIS: Why? JACK: Your name's Paris. PARIS: No. Did your parents change flat tires a lot? JACK: What? PARIS: Or plug the phone into the wall a lot? JACK: No. PARIS: Great! So, we've cleared up that mystery. What's next on your fascinating list of talking points? JACK: Uh, what's your major? PARIS: Seriously, you've got one minute to make an impression and that's all you can come up with? You want to know my sign too, Jack? Or how about my favorite color? Or if I'm a Britney or a Christina? Here, I'll ask you a question. Was the last time you had an interesting thought, when you considered flinging yourself off a building? [bell rings] Bye, Jack. I'll write Mother immediately. [Sits down at the next table.] Paris, and no my parents didn't travel. BILLY: Billy, and I have no idea what that means. PARIS: Never mind. So, what's your story, Billy? BILLY: Well, I'm a drama major. PARIS: Ding, ding, ding! [stands up and moves to next table, seeing Doyle] Doyle. DOYLE: Paris. PARIS: Surprised to see you here. [Sits down] DOYLE: I could say the same for you. PARIS: So, you find any good prospects? DOYLE: Oh, yes. One girl wants to have 11 children. PARIS: Good god! DOYLE: And the second one was cut off quickly, thank you by the way. I think the words 'latter day saints' were about to come out of her mouth. PARIS: I can't believe I came here. DOYLE: This is my third time. PARIS: You ever meet anyone you actually wanted to date? DOYLE: My bar is so not that high. PARIS: [Looking around] I don't see one person in this room that shouldn't be sterilized immediately. DOYLE: Right there with you. PARIS: So you've been reading about those skeletons they've been finding on the island of Flores, right? DOYLE: Oh, yeah, and they're only 13,000 years old. That's nothing in geological time. PARIS: They made tools and probably had a language. And - [Bell Rings and the next girl tries to join] Keep moving sister. DOYLE: They were supposed to be master hunters. PARIS: Even though they were diminutive in size. CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RORY'S DORM [Rory and Anna are walking down the hall. Anna looks excited. Rory looks tired.] ANNA: And then when that other guy came in, in that outfit! How great was that? RORY: We also studied Dylan Thomas today. Why don't we talk about that for a while? ANNA: Yeah, that was cool, but when Logan and Colin started to fight, that was so amazing![They enter the dorm room.] The teacher had nothing to say. Nothing! He just stood there. Think they'll get in trouble for that? RORY: Oh, probably not. ANNA: Oh god, that's great! The freedom! I mean you can do anything in college. No rules, no consequences. RORY: Well, Anna, there are always consequences. You're getting the wrong idea. College is not just a crazy, wild, sleep-deprived hedonistic society. [Doyle exits Paris' bedroom in her robe.] DOYLE: Oh, it wasn't the TV. RORY: No, it wasn't the TV. DOYLE: This isn't what it looks like. RORY: I hope not. [Paris enters in only a pajama top] PARIS: I told you it wasn't the TV. RORY: [brightly] Hi, Paris. PARIS: All right, fine. Doyle and I had s*x. RORY: Okay, Anna, get your coat. PARIS: We met at speed dating and we considered having dinner first, but we both knew where it was going to end up, so we figured we'd just cut to the chase and save the calories. RORY: Hurry up, Anna. ANNA: Where are we going? RORY: Dinner. ANNA: Its only five. [Rory and Anna exit] PARIS: You have no right to be repulsed by my s*x life! DOYLE: [to Paris] This is an exceptionally comfortable robe. ANNA: [in the hallway] Dinner whenever you want. Random s*x whenever you want. I can't wait to go to college! CUT TO YALE - CAFETERIA [Rory and Anna sit at a table] ANNA: Ice cream and cereal for dinner! RORY: Yeah, yeah, yeah college rocks. [Logan enters.] LOGAN: Ladies. ANNA: Hi, Logan. LOGAN: How are we doing this fine evening? ANNA: Oh, we're doing great. Do you want to join us? LOGAN: Sure. [Sits down next to Rory] So, dull day, huh? ANNA: Not for me. LOGAN: [Looking at Rory] Someone's quiet. RORY: Got nothing to say. LOGAN: [to Anna] Do you get the sense that she's mad at me? ANNA: Yes. RORY: Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social. You remember where it is right? ANNA: Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream. RORY: Kid, you're in college now, ok? Now go get yourself some yogurt. ANNA: Are you going to come Logan? LOGAN: Uh, I'm not sure how well I'll be walking here in a minute, Anna. ANNA: Oh, ok. Bye. [Anna exits] LOGAN: That's not a good look. RORY: I have no words. LOGAN: It was just a joke. RORY: Oh no, wait. I found some. Jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, lowlife, buttface miscreant. LOGAN: Buttface miscreant? RORY: Why would you do something like that? LOGAN: I'm sorry, buttface miscreant? RORY: Here I am, trying to show Anna what college life is really like. LOGAN: That is what college life is really like. RORY: Maybe your college life, not mine. That was my class, Logan. That was my professor, who decides my grades and you made me look ridiculous to him. LOGAN: No, I made me look ridiculous to him. RORY: Oh, you don't think he thinks I was a part of it? LOGAN: I'll talk to him. I'll tell him you were an innocent bystander. RORY: The whole class was in a frenzy the entire time. We never got back to what we were talking about. LOGAN: There's another class next week. RORY: Ugh, I know that classes and the paper and Yale in general mean nothing to you, but it means something to me. Professor Bell's course is only six weeks long and you blew one of those weeks for me. I won't get that week back. LOGAN: Look, you want to pull some personal time with Bell? My dad knows him. He'll arrange -- RORY: Please stop talking. LOGAN: I'm sorry you're so bent out of shape. I didn't mean to upset you. RORY: Anna thinks that Yale is just a big joke. LOGAN: If Anna thinks that Yale is just a big joke after spending five minutes with you, then she was always going to think that Yale was just a big joke. Relax. RORY: You and me? Very different people. I have to go. LOGAN: To the fro-yo social? RORY: Yes, I have to go to the fro-yo social. And yes, I do realize how incredibly stupid that just sounded. Excuse me. [Rory exits] CUT TO YALE - RORY'S DORM ROOM [Paris and Doyle sit on the couch, in front of the phone] PARIS: All I'm saying is, I just want a little information.Is this a relationship? A one night stand? The beginning of a series of late night bootie calls? I think I have the right to know. TERRANCE: [on speaker phone] I hear you. Doyle, do you hear her? DOYLE: I do hear her. I just don't understand why we can't decide this amongst ourselves. TERRANCE: Because you can't, Doyle. Now, please tell Paris how you feel. DOYLE: Well, I feel -- TERRANCE: Into the phone, Doyle. I can't hear you. [Rory enters.] RORY: Is Anna here? PARIS: No. Why? RORY: She didn't show up at the fro-yo social. DOYLE: Eww. Do you blame her? RORY: I have to find her. PARIS: Why? Did you loan her money or something? RORY: Just go back to what you were doing, please RORY: [dials phone] Hey, Marty? Um, I lost Anna. I don't know where. Um, just -- Thanks. [to Paris] If she comes back here, call me. CUT TO YALE - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RORY'S DORM ROOM [Marty comes down the stairs] MARTY: Any idea where she'd go? RORY: No, she was supposed to meet me. I can't believe I let her go off by herself. MARTY: Well, we'll find her. RORY: [dialing phone] Mom? CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE [Scene switches between Yale and Gilmore's.] LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Where would a 16 year-old girl go for a good time? LORELAI: Oh, how sad you had to come to me for this conversation. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: You were 16 a lot more recently than I was. RORY: I lost Anna. LORELAI: How did you lose Anna? RORY: She never showed at the fro-yo social! LORELAI: Oh, ok. Relax. Sixteen year old girl at college? Uh, you have to check parties. Bars and Chinese restaurants rarely card. RORY: No Chinese restaurants around. LORELAI: The pub? Did you check the pub? RORY: No. [to Marty] The pub. We have to check the pub. Parties and the pub. LORELAI: Ok, call me when you -- LUKE: [off-screen] Ow! LORELAI: Uh . . . LUKE: Ow! LORELAI: I have to go, hon. Call me when you find her. RORY: Okay. Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH [Lorelai exits house. Luke is rubbing his leg.] LORELAI: Oh my god, are you ok? LUKE: I smashed my leg on a Thigh Master. LORELAI: I'm so sorry. LUKE: Then, I tripped and smashed my other leg on another Thigh Master. LORELAI: Sorry. LUKE: Why the hell do you have so many Thigh Masters? LORELAI: I have a really bad thigh complex. Are you bleeding? Do you want to come in? LUKE: No, I'm fine. I just -- You left your glasses at my house. I thought you might need them. LORELAI: [Luke hands her, her glasses] Thank you. LUKE: I didn't you think would be here. I thought you were going to Patty's. LORELAI: I am. I was just leaving but I don't have to go if you want to come in. LUKE: No, its ok. I'm still going through my dark day. I'm gonna go. LORELAI: Ok, sorry about your foot. LUKE: [Looking at her garage.] What's going on with your garage? LORELAI: What? LUKE: Your garage door looks all weird. LORELAI: Oh. No, it's fine. It's just jammed a wee bit. [Luke limps toward the garage] LUKE: You can't leave it open like that. You could ruin all your stuff. LORELAI: [Following Luke.] No, no that's ok. Too much stuff anyhow. If a little bit gets ruined, it serves me right for being so darn materialistic. LUKE: What are all these trees doing here? [Begins to pull trees away.] LORELAI: No, just stop. Go back to your dark day. No, no, don't, don't. There's clowns in there. And puppies wearing costumes. And they'll cheer you up and then your dark day will be ruined. LUKE: [seeing his boat] What is this? LORELAI: It's your boat. LUKE: I thought I told her to get rid of this boat. LORELAI: She did. She sold it to me, along with all of her other crap. She made quite a killing actually. I just couldn't stand the idea that you might regret, someday, giving this boat away. LUKE: Even though I said I wanted it gone? LORELAI: Yes, I know, but you were upset. LUKE: No, I was cranky. Now, I'm upset. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I just thought -- LUKE: You thought about you. You thought about you and how you'd feel. You didn't think about me or the fact that I said I wanted to get rid of this damn boat. I mean I said it, Lorelai. I said it, you heard it and you ignored it. LORELAI: Because I didn't want you to -- LUKE: You have no respect for what I wanted! This was my dad. This was his boat and this decision was mine. This was not yours! LORELAI: I know. LUKE: This is who I am. I don't want to hang onto things or stare at things. LORELAI: Except my horoscope, which is absolutely the wrong thing to bring up right now. I'm sorry. LUKE: I'm getting out of here. LORELAI: No, I'm sorry. Please, just stay and yell at me. LUKE: Why? What's the point? You don't listen to anything I say, anyhow. [Luke exits.] CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE A BAR [Rory and Marty exit a bar] RORY: She's nowhere! MARTY: She not nowhere. RORY: This is all my fault! MARTY: Well, there's more bars. We'll find her. RORY: God, I'm so stupid. If I didn't have to confront Logan like that, I wouldn't have had to send her off on her own and we wouldn't be looking for her right now. MARTY: We'll find her. RORY: He's so frustrating, that guy. I mean, I don't know what I did to get on his bad side or why he just has to come after me. MARTY: Oh, stop it! RORY: What? MARTY: He's not coming after you. He likes you. RORY: He does not. MARTY: [annoyed] Oh, please, Rory. RORY: Marty, he does not like me. I mean, look at what he did. Look at that stunt he pulled. He totally humiliated me. MARTY: Attention like that from people like Logan is like being tapped. You've been anointed. You're in. RORY: In what? MARTY: In with him, with his group. He likes you. Stop being so naive. Its annoying. RORY: Marty. [Rory's phone rings] RORY: Hello? CUT TO CHILTON - HEADMASTER CHARLESTON'S OFFICE [Scene switches between Yale and Chilton] HDM. CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, Headmaster Charleston here. RORY: Oh. Hi, Headmaster Charleston. What's going on? HDM. CHARLESTON: Well, not much. Thank you for asking. I was just wondering how things were going with Ms. Fairchild? RORY: Oh, fine. HDM. CHARLESTON: Yes? RORY: Everythings great. HDM. CHARLESTON: Wonderful. Then, I can inform Anna's parents that the underage girl the Yale campus police found when they broke up a rather raucous party is, in fact, not their daughter. RORY: I'm sorry, Headmaster Charleston. HDM. CHARLESTON: And what a help that is. RORY: I tried. I just -- I turned around for a moment. Did she tell you about the bench? We spent a lot of time -- HDM. CHARLESTON: I'm sorry, Ms. Gilmore. I have to go. Some angry parents will be here any moment to talk to me. I appreciate the attempt. Good luck at Yale. RORY: [beat] Bye, Headmaster Charleston. [hangs up] The campus police got her. She came, she spent one day with me, and she got sent home by police. And I think I'm going to retroactively flunk high school. MARTY: At least she's safe, right? RORY: Right. Crappy, crappy day. You want to take a cab? My treat. [They walk to a cab. Marty opens the door] Thanks. [Rory gets in, but Marty stops] MARTY: I think I'm gonna walk. RORY: Marty . . . MARTY: I'll -- I'll see you tomorrow. [Marty shuts the door and walks away as Rory watches] CUT TO MISS PATTY'S [Lots of people are there, dressed up and socializing. Lorelai is sniffing her hand.] SOOKIE: What are you doing? LORELAI: I smell like trees. SOOKIE: You do? [Sniffs Lorelai's hand] LORELAI: Mm-hmm. SOOKIE: [sniffs her own hand] Hey, me too! LORELAI: Now we're the crazy, pine-scented ladies. SOOKIE: How's your punch? LORELAI: It's good. [Lorelai looks distant.] SOOKIE: You ok? LORELAI: Yeah, fine. Just fine. [Miss Patty gets on stage as people applaud] MISS PATTY: Thank you. Thank you, everyone. I'm honored that you came here to help me celebrate 40 wonderful years on the stage. It feels so good to be here in front of an audience and so close to a piano. [Repeats, louder] So close to a piano. Kirk! KIRK: [looking up from a book] Sorry. [loudly] Hey, Patty, why don't you do a little something for us? MISS PATTY: Well, if you insist. Hit it! [Salsa begins on the piano. Miss Patty plays maracas and Kirk plays a glockenspiel] MISS PATTY: [singing] Way down among Brazilians, coffee beans grow by the million. So they have to find those extra cups to fill. They got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. You can't get cherry soda, cause they have to fill their quota. And the way things are, I bet they never will. LORELAI: [seeing Luke standing outside the window] I'll be right back. MISS PATTY: [singing] They got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. CUT TO MISS PATTY'S - STEPS OUTSIDE LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: See there's a reason I stay away from people on this particular day. It's because I suck. LORELAI: Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should've listened to you. I should've stayed out of it. You were right. I didn't think. I mean I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think and my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me. And occasionally if you are me -- [Lukes kisses her, interrupting] LUKE: You keep thinking like you'd think. LORELAI: I can do that. Do you want to come in? You can get drunk just standing next to the punch bowl. LUKE: No, I'm still kinda -- LORELAI: I get it. LUKE: I just didn't want us to -- LORELAI: We're not. LUKE: Yeah, you go have a good time. LORELAI: See you tomorrow. LUKE: Yeah, you'll see me tomorrow. [They kiss. Luke walks away while Lorelai watches] CUT TO GILMORE RESIDENCE - LORELAI'S GARAGE [Luke walks in and looks at the boat. He rubs his hand along side of it, thinking] CUT TO YALE - OUTSIDE COURTYARD [Logan is standing with Finn and Colin, drinking coffee.] RICHARD: Logan LOGAN: Huh? Richard? Wow, this a pleasant surprise. Finn, Colin, you know Richard don't you? RICHARD: Well, my boys, nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident. LOGAN: The? RICHARD: I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory. LOGAN: [confused] What? RICHARD: Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine. As is the Dean of Admissions. Well, you know this place. News travels fast. LOGAN: Yeah, look . . . RICHARD: I have to tell you that while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is a proper time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. LOGAN: No, I know. I -- RICHARD: However, what's done is done. It's out. So I've dropped by to tell you that I've spoken to your father. [Colin and Finn look at each other.] LOGAN: My father? RICHARD: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing. LOGAN: Ok, I think there's been . . . RICHARD: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so not to worry. That's all taken care of. LOGAN: But -- RICHARD: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son. [Richard walks away, touching his nose. Rory, hidden, signals back, touching her nose] CUT TO YALE - INSIDE VESTIBULE [Rory runs up to Richard, excited.] RICHARD: I do hope one of his dopey-looking friends knows CPR or he just might not make it. RORY: You're the best, Grandpa. RICHARD: All right, who's next? Is Paris giving you any trouble? RORY: Not any more than usual. However, there is a girl in my Modern Poetry class who keeps kicking my chair. [They begin walking down the hall] RICHARD: Ah, I do love this place. RORY: Right back at you, Grandpa.

Plan: A: Miss Patty; Q: Who celebrates forty years in show business? A: Luke; Q: Who mourns his father's death? A: Terrence; Q: Who urges Paris to get on with her life? A: Doyle; Q: Who does Paris hook up with? A: Marty; Q: Who tells Rory that both he and Logan are interested in her? A: Lorelai; Q: Who's attempt to do something nice for Luke backfires? A: Luke backfires; Q: What happens when Lorelai tries to do something nice for Luke? A: Richard; Q: Who does Rory enlist to help her turn the tables on Logan? A: the practical joke table; Q: What does Rory turn back on Logan? A: Headmaster Charleston's request; Q: What prompts Rory to give Anna a tour of Yale? A: the Yale grand tour; Q: What does Rory give Anna? A: the immature Anna; Q: Who gets Rory in trouble? A: her party-crazed ways; Q: What gets Anna in trouble? Summary: Miss Patty celebrates forty years in show business on the same day that Luke mourns his father's death; Terrence's urging Paris to get on with her life prompts her to try speed dating, where she hooks up with Doyle; Marty finally clues Rory in that both he and Logan are interested in her; Lorelai's attempt to do something nice for Luke backfires; Rory enlists Richard in turning the practical joke table back on Logan; at Headmaster Charleston's request, Rory happily gives Anna, a Chilton student and prospective Eli, the Yale grand tour, but the immature Anna manages to get both herself and her host in trouble with her party-crazed ways.

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Forest Merlin picks mushrooms in the woods. He hears screeching and gets chased by a griffin. Merlin falls and waits for a deadly blow. Lancelot yells and attacks the griffin with a sword. The sword breaks. Lancelot: Run! Run! Lancelot grabs Merlin and they run and hide behind a fallen tree. Lancelot holds his wounded side. Merlin: It's gone. You saved my life. I'm Merlin. Lancelot: Lancelot. They shake hands. Lancelot passes out. Gaius's chambers Gaius: The wound itself is superficial. The fever will pass. He should be fine in the morning. Uther and Arthur survey a burning village. Uther: What creature could've done this? Arthur: We found no tracks in or out. What the villagers say must be true: it has wings and... Uther: What? Arthur: And it took no livestock, only people. Whatever it is, it has a taste for human flesh. Uther: Post centuries in all the outlying villages. Put the lookouts on full alert. If this thing should make for Camelot, we must be ready. Merlin's chamber Lancelot: Ever since I was a child I've dreamed of coming here. It's my life's ambition to join the knights of Camelot. I know what you're thinking, I...I expect too much. After all, who am I? They have their pick of the best and bravest in the land. Merlin: Lancelot. Lancelot: Yes? Merlin: They are going to love you. Lancelot: They are? Merlin: I've seen you in action. You could shame the great Arthur himself. Lancelot: I hardly think so. Merlin: In fact, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to talk to him right now. Lancelot: You know Arthur? Merlin: Oh yes. Training grounds A nobleman swings a couple of swords around. Arthur: Right, you jumped up dung beetle, this is it. The final test. Pass this and you're a knight of Camelot. Fail, and you're no one. You face the most feared of all foes, the ultimate killing machine. You face me. You're challenge to last one minute free combat. Grummond, Second son of Wessex. Arthur draws his sword and nods to servant with an hourglass. Arthur: Your time starts now. Grummund swings the swords around while Arthur watches. Grummond goes for the attack and Arthur takes him down in two swift blows. The crowd applauds. Arthur removes Grummond's flag. Arthur: Take him away. Camelot - Lower town Arthur: Grummund's the third to fail this month. How am I meant to defend Camelot with rubbish like that? Merlin: Well, I think I might be able to help. Arthur: You, Merlin? You haven't the faintest idea what it takes to become a knight. Courage, fortitude, discipline. Merlin: No, no, no, of course I don't, but I do know someone who does. Arthur: Yeah? Merlin: He saved my life. Arthur: That's blowing it for starters. Merlin: No, no, no. He's really good. Honestly. Arthur: That's great, Merlin. I'm sure he's terrific, but you forget the First Code of Camelot. Merlin: The what? Arthur: The First Code. Only those of noble blood can serve as knights. So, unless your friend is a nobleman Merlin: Oh, er, he--he is a nobleman. Arthur: Is he? Merlin: Absolutely. Arthur: Very well. Bring him to the training ground tomorrow. And make sure he brings his seal of nobility. Merlin: Thanks, Arthur. You won't regret it. Gaius's chambers Merlin enters. Lancelot: Well? Did you speak to him? Merlin: Yeah, I spoke to him. Lancelot: And? Merlin: And... Merlin feigns disappointment. Lancelot: No. Lancelot shakes his head, disappointed. Merlin: He said he would like to meet you. Lancelot: Yes! Thank you. Thank you! Merlin: Hey, really, it was no problem, really. It's nothing. *ahem* You're not a nobleman, by any chance, are you? Lancelot: A nobleman? No. Lancelot laughs. Lancelot: Good lord, no. Why do you ask? Merlin: It's just that there's this... Gaius: The First Code of Camelot states that only those of noble blood can serve as a knight. Uther created the knights to protect this kingdom from those who wished to destroy it. He knew he would have to trust each of his knights with his life. So he chose them from the families that had sworn allegiance to him. Merlin: The nobility. Gaius: And thus the First Code of Camelot was born, and ever since that day, only the sons of noble families have served as knights. Merlin: But that is not fair. Gaius: Fair or unfair, that's the way it is. I'm sorry, Lancelot. Truly, I am. Merlin's chamber Merlin: Why do you want to be a knight so much? Lancelot: When I was a boy, my village was attacked by raiders from the northern plains. They were slaughtered where they stood, my father, my mother. Everyone. I alone escaped. I vowed that day that never again would I be helpless in the face of tyranny. I made sword craft my life. Every waking hour since that day, I devoted to the art of combat, and when I was ready, I set forth for Camelot. And now, it seems, my journey ends. Everything I fought for, wasted. Merlin: I give you my word, whatever it takes, I will make this right. Castle - Hall Of Records Merlin searches for a book. Geoffrey of Monmouth watches him. Merlin takes a book. Merlin: Homework. Merlin opens book to a page of Northumbrian nobility and pulls out a piece of parchment. Merlin: Ic us bisen hræd tán hwanon. Merlin copies the page. Geoffrey wanders over. Geoffrey: Ahem. Merlin hands Geoffrey the book. Merlin: It's a...real page turner. Geoffrey looks at the title. Gaius's chambers Merlin enters and holds up the parchment. Lancelot: What's that? Merlin: This is your seal of nobility. Lancelot: I don't understand. Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lancelot, fifth son of Lord Eldred of Northumbria. Lancelot: No, Merlin. No. Merlin: Oh, right. So you don't want to be a knight, then. Lancelot: Of course I do! Merlin: Well...the rules don't allow it. Damn the rules! The rules are wrong! Lancelot: But it's a lie. It's against everything the knights stand for. Merlin: You have as much right to be a knight as any man. I know it. Lancelot: But the rules, Merlin. Merlin: We're not breaking the rules. We're bending them, that's all. You get your foot in the door. But after that you will be judged on your merit alone. And if you succeed - if they make you a knight - it'll be because you earned it, noble or not. I can't change the way things are done around here, but you can...if you let me help you. Gwen's house Gwen takes Lancelot's measurements. Lancelot: Thi...*ahem* This is very kind of you, er... Gwen: Gwen. Lancelot: Gwen. Gwen: Short for Guinevere. Lancelot: Ah. Then thank you, Guinevere. Gwen: Don't thank me. Thank Merlin. Merlin would do anything for anyone, wouldn't you, Merlin? Sorry, can you raise your arms? Thank you. Sorry. I think it's great that Merlin's got you this chance. We need men like you. Lancelot: You do? Gwen: Well, not me personally, but you know...Camelot. Camelot needs knights. Not just Arthur and his kind, but ordinary people like you and me. Lancelot: Well, I'm not a knight yet, My Lady. Gwen: And I'm not a lady. Gwen giggles. Lancelot: Sorry, my... Gwen: Okay, we're done. Erm...I should have these ready in no time. It's nice to meet you Lancelot. Gwen reaches out to shake hands. Lancelot takes her hand and kisses it. Merlin and Lancelot leave. Caslte - Courtyard Corridor Merlin and Lancelot walk down the Courtyard Corridor. Lancelot: She seems lovely. Guinevere. Merlin: Oh, yeah. Yeah, she is. And the best seamstress in Camelot, I promise. Lancelot: Are you two...you know. Merlin laughs. Merlin: No, no. Just friends. Merlin gives Lancelot a sideways look. Training grounds Arthur trains recruits. Merlin and Gwen fix Lancelot's knight costume. Arthur: One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four. Merlin: Well...you certainly look the part. Lancelot: Doesn't he just? Merlin: I don't feel it. Arthur: Okay, that'll do for today. Well done. Merlin: Here's your chance. Go for it. Arthur puts a sword in the sword rack. Lancelot approaches him. Arthur: Yes? Lancelot: Lancelot, 5th son of Lord Eldred of Northumbria. Arthur: Lance...a lot? My servant mentioned you. Got your seal? Lancelot bows as he presents the fake seal to Arthur. Lancelot: Sire. Arthur smacks him. Lancelot falls down. Arthur: Sluggish reactions. In a battle field you'd be dead by now. Come back when you're ready. Arthur walks off. Lancelot gets up and places his hand on his sword. Lancelot: I'm ready now, Sire. Arthur turns back around. Arthur: You are, are you? Fine. You can start by cleaning out the stables. Onlookers laugh. Lancelot looks uncertainly at Merlin who gives him two thumbs up. Gaius's chambers Gaius: I'm sorry about Lancelot. I see you were upset. Merlin: Oh. You know...that's life. You win some, you lose some. Gaius: You're taking it very well, I have to say. Very mature. Merlin: Thank you, Gaius. Lancelot enters covered in...dirt. Merlin: How'd it go? Lancelot: Ugh. Lancelot goes to Merlin's Chamber. Gaius gives Merlin a look. Merlin: He found work at the stables. Gaius: I see. And the truth before I lose my temper? Merlin: He's er...trying out for the knights. Gaius: The First Code of Camelot has never been broken for any man. What've you done, Merlin? Merlin: Okay, I bent the rules a little, but the rules are wrong. They're unfair. Gaius: You bent the rules? Using magic? Merlin: It was nothing, honestly. It was more of a trick than actual magic. Gaius: Your magic is not a toy, Merlin. It's not for you to use or abuse as you see fit. Merlin: I know. I know. Gaius: Then why'd you do it? Merlin: I owe Lancelot my life. I am paying for that debt the only way I can by giving him the opportunity he deserves. If you want to punish me for it, go ahead. Camelot - Lower Town Arthur and a few guards approach Lancelot. Lancelot continues to sharpen swords. Arthur takes a nearby broom and tosses it at Lancelot. Lancelot looks up suddenly and catches it. Arthur: Not bad. Lancelot stands and bows to Arthur. Lancelot: Would you like me to sweep the guardhouse again, Sire? Arthur: It certainly needs sweeping. But first, Arthur picks up a broom and removes the bristles. Arthur: I'd like you to kill me. Lancelot: Sire? Arthur: Come on. Don't pretend you don't want to. Lancelot removes the bristles on his broom. Arthur: Hell, if I were you, I'd want to. Come on. A fight ensures. Arthur: Come on, Lancelot, you're not beating a carpet. They continue fighting. Arthur hits Lancelot in the gut. Arthur: Congratulations, Lancelot. Arthur tosses the stick to Lancelot. Arthur: You just made basic training. Warning bells toll. Arthur runs toward the screams. Castle - Main Square Merlin helps an injured woman to sit near Gaius in the Square. Merlin: You're safe now, I promise. Gaius tends another woman. Merlin: How is she? Gaius: Okay. Lancelot runs into the Square. Lancelot: What happened to these people? Gaius: Their village was attacked by a winged monster. Merlin and Lancelot exchange a look. Castle - Upper Corridor Uther and Arthur look down at the Square. Arthur: I'd hunt this thing down if I could, but I cannot track a creature through the air. Uther: You don't have to track it. First Greenswood, then Willowdale. The creature's heading south, towards the mouth of the valley. Arthur: To Camelot. Uther: You must prepare your knights, Arthur. Arthur: Have faith, Father. We'll be ready. Gaius's chambers Gaius flips through a book of monsters. Gaius: The wings of an eagle and the body of a lion. The wings of an eagle and the body of a lion. Castle - Main Sqaure Arthur speaks to the knights of Camelot. Arthur: The beast is heading for Camelot. It's fast and agile, but big enough to hit and hit hard. Starting today your training routines will concentrate on an attack strategy. We don't have much time. Dismissed. Lancelot approaches Arthur and bows. Arthur: Yes, Lancelot? Lancelot: Is there anything I can do, Sire? It's just...I know that in the event of battle, only a knight may serve. Arthur: That's correct, Lancelot. And you are not yet a knight. Which is why I'm bringing your test forward. You'll face me in the morning. Training grounds Arthur and Lancelot are dressed in full armour. Arthur: Well, here we are. Your final challenge. Succeed and you join the elite. Fail and your journey ends here. Lancelot, fifth son of Lord Eldred of Northumbria... Arthur nods to the timekeeper. Arthur: Your time starts now. Arthur and Lancelot put on their helmets. They fight. Lancelot swings and misses Arthur. Gwen grabs Merlin's shirt in her anxiety. Gwen: Oh, sorry. Arthur punches Lancelot. Lancelot falls back, his helmet askew. Arthur puts his sword in the ground, removes his helmet and goes to remove Lancelot's flag. Arthur: Shame. Lancelot gets up. He knocks Arthur off his feet and puts him at sword point. Lancelot: Do you submit, Sire? Guards restrain Lancelot. Arthur gets up, apparently angry, and grabs his sword. Arthur: On your knees! Guards force Lancelot to his knees. Arthur puts the sword to Lancelot's chest. Throne room Lancelot kneels, a sword to his chest. Uther: Arise, Sir Lancelot, Knight of Camelot. Applause Morgana: Who is this man? He seems to have come out of nowhere. Gwen: I know. It's been a bit of a surprise to all of us. Uther: You do us a great honour, Sir Lancelot. The knighthood is the very foundation of Camelot. Lancelot: The honour is all mine, Sire. Uther: Your father would be very proud. Lancelot: Yes, Sire. Uther: I have not seen Lord Eldred for many years. Longer than I'd imagined, it seems. Last time I saw him, he only had four sons Lancelot: Well...here I am. Uther: Indeed you are. And I've kept you too long already. Enjoy the celebrations. Lancelot: Sire. Lancelot bows. Knights approach him and shake his hand. Uther opens Lancelot's seal and addresses a lady of the court. Uther: Take this seal to Geoffrey of Monmouth, the Court Genealogist. The knights walk out. Arthur's arm is around Lancelot's shoulders. Uther: I want his opinion by morning. Castle - Hall Of Ceremonies Arthur and Lancelot sit on table with their drinks. Merlin stands with Gaius. Merlin: Look at him, Gaius. Does not Lancelot deserve this moment? Gaius: I never said he didn't. But destiny and desserts are not the same thing. You played God, Merlin. You set him on a path of your choosing. Tonight you brought him triumph, but who knows what the future may hold. Merlin: Yeah, I don't know what it said on your invitation, but on mine it said celebration. Gaius chuckles. Gaius: Point taken. Don't come back too late. Merlin: All right. Castle - Hall Of Records Geoffrey of Monmouth looks over court records. Geoffrey finds the page of Lord Eldred of Northumbria and looks displeased. Castle - Hall Of Ceremonies Arthur watches Gwen and Morgana while he and Lancelot sit on a table, drinks in their hands. Arthur: Here's trouble. Tell me, do you think her...beautiful? Arthur watches Morgana. Lancelot's eyes follow Gwen as she goes to stand by Merlin. Lancelot: Yes, Sire. I do. Arthur: Yeah. I suppose she is. Morgana notices Arthur's gaze. Merlin: You know what? I think our Sir Lancelot might have eyes for you, Gwen. Gwen: Don't be silly. Merlin: What? So what if he did? Would that really be so bad? Gwen sighs. Gwen: He's not really my type. Merlin: Oh, well, there's a surprise. Sometimes, Guinevere, I wonder if you'd know what your type was if he was standing right next to you. Gwen looks wistfully at Merlin. Gwen: You're probably right. Merlin grabs another drink from a passing servant. Merlin: So, come on. Just for the sake of argument. If you had to, Arthur or Lancelot. Gwen: But I don't have to and I never will. Merlin: Oh, you are no fun, Gwen. Arthur pounds on the table. Arthur: Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast to our new recruit, our new knight of Camelot, Sir Lancelot. The crowd applauds. Lancelot and Arthur toast. Gaius's chambers Merlin and Lancelot come out of Merlin's Chamber with hangovers. Lancelot: Argh. Two yards of ale? Two miles, more like it. Gaius: Good morning, gentlemen. Gaius holds out two fizzing drinks. Gaius: Don't look at it, don't smell it, just down it in one. Lancelot: Argh. Gaius: Better? Good. Can't have you nodding off first day on the job, Lancelot. Merlin: That's Sir Lancelot, if you don't mind. They laugh. Guards enter. Merlin: What are you doing? GUARD: King's orders. The guards grab Lancelot and escort him out. Merlin: Stop! Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Lancelot is on his knees before the court. Uther: Tell him what you told me. Geoffrey: These credentials are faked. The seal itself is faultless, forgery of the highest possible standard, but a forgery it must be. There is no record of the fifth son of Lord Eldred of Northumbria. Therefore he... Uther: Lied. Do you deny it? Lancelot: No, Sire. Uther: You've broken the First Code of Camelot. You've brought shame upon yourself and upon us. You are not worthy of the knighthood bestowed upon you. You never were. And you never will be. Get him out of my sight. Guards escort Lancelot out. Arthur: Sire. Uther: Do you contest my judgment? Arthur: His deception was inexcusable. But he meant no harm, Sire, I'm sure of it. He only wished to serve. Uther: The First Code is a sacred bond of trust. It is what binds the knights together. How can you trust a man who's lied to you? Castle - Dungeons Merlin visits Lancelot's cell. Merlin: I don't know what to say to you, Lancelot. Lancelot: You're not to blame. Merlin: Yes, I am. I pushed you. I made you lie. Lancelot: The choice was mine. My punishment is mine to bear, and mine to bear alone. Merlin: I wish there was something I could do. Lancelot: There is. You can stop blaming yourself. Gaius's chambers Gaius: Merlin? Merlin: Whatever you do, don't say, "I told you so." Gaius: I have no wish to gloat, Merlin. What's done is done. Here. Come and take a look at this. I realised my mistake. I've been looking for the creature in the wrong place, in the records of all known living things in the kingdom. And then I thought, but what about creatures only recorded in legend? In myth? Then I discovered this. Merlin: That is it. That's the monster. Warning bells sound. Merlin and Gaius go to the window. People run wildly around the Square, screaming as the griffin swoops down overhead. Arthur: On me! On me! Knights surround Arthur in a defence pattern. Arthur: Defend! The knights crouch down. The griffin attacks. Lancelot rushes to the bars of his cell. Lancelot: What's happening?! The knights are getting up and reforming attack pattern. The griffin lands in the Square. Arthur: Charge! On me! Arthur strikes the griffin in the chest with a spear. The spear breaks. Arthur freaks and falls backwards. A guard tosses him a torch. Arthrur waves the torch at the griffin and it takes off making really annoying hissing sounds. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Arthur and Uther enter with their entourage. Uther: You said your knights were the best in the land. You proved that today. Arthur: All I know is it's still out there. Uther: Let's not wait for it. The kingdom has been menaced by this creature for too long. We finish this now. Gaius: Sire, if I may. Uther: Gaius? Gaius: I've been researching this creature, Sire. I believe it to be a griffin. Uther: A griffin? What's in a name? Gaius: The griffin is a creature of magic. Uther: I don't have time for this, physician. Gaius: It is born of magic, Sire, and it can only be killed by magic. Uther: You are mistaken. It's a creature of flesh and blood like any other. Arthur proved that today. Arthur: I'm not so sure, Father. I think there may be some truth in what he says. Uther: What truth? Arthur: The griffin was unharmed, Sire. Our weapons seemed useless against it. Uther: Useless? I think not. No, it's tasted our steel once, the next time will be its last. When will your knights be ready to ride again? Arthur: An hour. Maybe two. Uther: Good. We finish this tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chambers Merlin and Gaius enter. Merlin: Is it true? The griffin can only be killed by magic? Gaius: Yes, Merlin. I'm certain of it. If Arthur rides out against it, he'll die. Merlin: Then he must be stopped. Uther must see reason. Gaius: Where magic is concerned, our King is blind to reason. And yet...magic is our only hope. Merlin: You're not suggesting... Gaius: It is your destiny, Merlin. The true purpose of your magic. Merlin: You saw it, Gaius. I can't go up against that thing. Gaius: But if you do not, then Arthur will surely perish. Merlin: No...this is madness. I don't have magic that powerful. There must be another way. Gaius: This is the only way. Merlin: Do you even care what happens to me? Oh, just do this, Merlin. Do that, Merlin. Go and kill the griffin, Merlin. I'll just sit here and warm my feet by the fire. Gaius: Merlin! Merlin, you are the only thing I care about in all this world. I would give my life for you without a thought. But for what? I cannot save Arthur. It is not my destiny. You know. Merlin: I'm sorry. Gaius: I don't know what else I can say. Merlin: I'll say it for you. We have two hours to find a way to kill that thing. Castle dungeons Arthur enters Lancelot's cell. Arthur: I should've known. How could I have been so stupid?! You don't sound like a knight, you don't even look like a knight! Lancelot: I'm sorry. Arthur: I'm sorry, too. Because, Lancelot, you fight like a knight. And I need...Camelot needs... Lancelot: The creature? Arthur: We could not kill it. I've never faced its like. Lancelot: I faced it myself, Sire. Some days past. I struck if full square. I wondered how it endured. Arthur: There are those that believe this creature, this...griffin, is a creature of magic, that only magic can destroy it. Lancelot: Do you believe this? Arthur: It doesn't matter what I believe. The use of magic is not permitted. The knights must prevail with steel and sinew alone. Lancelot: Sire. Arthur: There's a horse waiting outside Lancelot: Thank you. Thank you, Sire. Arthur: Lancelot, take it and never return to this place. Lancelot: No. No, please, I...It's not my freedom I seek. I only wish to serve with honour. Arthur: I know. Lancelot: Then let me ride with you, Sire. Arthur: I cannot. My father knows nothing of this. I release you myself, but I can do no more. Now go before I change my mind. Arthur walks towards the wall so Lancelot can exit the cell behind him. Gaius's chambers Gaius and Merlin are flipping through a book. Gaius: There. You must do this for Arthur. Merlin: I've never cast a spell of enchantment this powerful. Gaius: Nothing less will kill it. Here. Gaius hands Merlin a rusty dagger. Gaius: Try. You have it within you. I know you do. Merlin: Bregdan anweald gafeluec. Nothing happens. Merlin and Gaius look at each other. Gaius: Don't worry, Merlin, we have plenty of time. Gwen's house Lancelot knocks on the door and enters. Lancelot: I'm sorry to disturb you, My Lady. Gwen: Lancelot, what are you doing here? Lancelot: I have no time to explain. I need weapons armour and the best you've got. Gwen: But what's this all about? Lancelot: Arthur stands in mortal peril. I must do what I can to protect him. It's my duty. Knight or not. Gwen: You really believe that, don't you? Lancelot: Yes, My Lady. Gwen: Lancelot, I don't believe I've ever met you like before. Lancelot: Guinevere, if I should not return... Gwen: Don't go, Lancelot. Please. Lancelot: But go I must. Gwen nods. Castle - Armoury Arthur marches down line of armoured knights. Arthur: It's time. The knights follow him out and ride out of Camelot. Gaius's chambers Merlin continues to try the spell. Gaius: Don't worry, Merlin. I know you're trying. Merlin: And I'm failing. And if Arthur dies because I'm not good enough... Gaius: Merlin! Gwen runs in. Gwen: Merlin! Lancelot's riding out to kill the griffin! Merlin: He's what? Gwen shrugs her helplessness. Merlin runs out. Gaius: Merlin? Camelot - Lower Town Merlin runs to Lancelot as Lancelot saddles a horse. Merlin: I'm coming with you. Lancelot: No, you're not. Merlin: Just try and stop me. Lancelot: Merlin, you're not a soldier. Merlin: You said it yourself, Lancelot, Arthur needs all the help he can get. Now let's go. Forest Mounted knights approach the griffin in the woods. Arthur draws his sword. Arthur: For Camelot! The knights draw their swords. Knights: For Camelot! Merlin and Lancelot ride along. They can hear dying men, sword clanging, and the screech/hissing griffin. They reach the fallen knights and dismount. Merlin: Arthur. Merlin feels for Arthur's pulse. Lancelot: Well? Merlin: He's alive. The griffin hisses. Lancelot rides into attack position with a lance and shuts his visor. Merlin: Okay, Merlin, it's now or never. Lancelot rears his horse. Merlin: Bregdan anweald gafeluec. Nothing happens. Lancelot charges. Merlin: Bregdan anweald gafeluec. Nothing happens. Lancelot passes Merlin. Merlin: Bregdan anweald gafeluec! The griffin charges. Merlin: Bregdan anweald gafeluec. The lance flames blue, hits the griffin, the griffin dies, and the magic glow disappears. Merlin celebrates. Merlin: Yes! Arthur wakes. Merlin runs off. Lancelot removes his helmet. Arthur: Lancelot. Lancelot: Sire. Arthur: You did it. You killed it, Lancelot! Gaius's chambers Merlin bursts in. Gaius: You did it?! Merlin: I did it. Gaius and Merlin hug. Gaius: Thank God! Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Arthur enters. Uther: You did it, my son. You did it. Arthur: Not I, Father. It was Lancelot. Lancelot enters. Uther: What's he doing here? Arthur: Father, I can explain. Uther: You! Wait outside. Lancelot exits and the guards close the doors. Uther: You had no right to...! The doors block out all sound. Merlin rounds the corner. Merlin: What are they doing? Lancelot: Deciding my fate. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Uther and Arthur argue. Arthur: I confess it, Sire. I released him and I'll take the consequences. But surely Lancelot's actions change things?! Uther: His actions change nothing. He broke the code! Arthur: He laid down his life for me! He served with honour. Uther: I see you feel strongly about this, Arthur. Under the circumstances? A pardon, perhaps. Arthur: No, not good enough, Father. You must restore Lancelot to his rightful place, as a knight of Camelot. Uther: Never. The law is the law. The Code bends for no man. Arthur: Then the code is wrong! Castle - Outside The Council Chamber Of Doom Merlin: They'll restore your knighthood, of course they will. You killed the griffin. Lancelot: But I didn't kill the griffin. Lancelot walks slightly away from the guards. Lancelot: You did. Merlin: That's ridiculous. Lancelot: "Bregdan anweald "...I heard you. I saw you. Merlin looks worried. Lancelot: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But I cannot take the credit for what I did not do. There'll be no more lies, no more deceit. Merlin: What are you going to do? Lancelot: The only thing I can do. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Lancelot bursts through the doors. Uther: What is this? Guards restrain Lancelot. Lancelot: Let me speak! Uther: Wait! I'll hear him. Guards release Lancelot. Lancelot: Forgive me, Sire. I've come to bid you farewell. Arthur: What is this, Lancelot? Lancelot: I lied to you both and now there is conflict between you. I cannot bear that burden, as you should not bear mine. I must start again, far from here. Then maybe one day fate shall grant me another chance to prove myself a worthy knight of Camelot. Arthur: But...Lancelot, you've...already proved that to us. Lancelot: But I must prove it to myself. Your Highness. Lancelot bows to Uther. Lancelot: Prince Arthur. Lancelot bows to Arthur and backs out of the room. Arthur looks crestfallen. Morgana's chambers Gwen stares out the window at Lancelot's retreating figure. Morgana: Gwen? Guinevere? Lancelot? Gwen: Oh. Yes. Morgana: Come, Gwen. We've a busy day ahead. Gwen: Yes, My Lady. Castle - The Battlements Merlin and Gaius watch Lancelot ride off. Merlin: Perhaps you were right, Gaius. Perhaps I should have never got involved. Gaius: No Merlin, I was wrong. Lancelot needed you and you needed Lancelot. Your destinies were entwined. Merlin: Will he ever return? Gaius: That I cannot say. Merlin: Till next time then, Sir Lancelot.

Plan: A: court; Q: Where does Merlin bring Lancelot? A: magic; Q: What does Merlin use to help Lancelot defeat the griffin? A: nobility; Q: What does Merlin forge proof of? A: Arthur; Q: Who frees Lancelot from jail? A: commoner; Q: What is Lancelot's true status? A: the griffin; Q: What creature would have killed Merlin? A: Camelot; Q: Where does the griffin attack? A: also the royal castle; Q: What else does the griffin attack? A: the knights' arms; Q: What proves unable to harm the griffin? A: Uther; Q: Who disagrees with Arthur over whether Lancelot can serve as a knight? Summary: Merlin would have been killed by a griffin (half eagle, half lion) if it hadn't been for Lancelot, who attacks it and gets them away safely. Learning Lancelot's dream is to become a knight, Merlin brings him to court and magically forges proof of nobility so that he can apply. Lancelot passes hazing and close combat tests against Arthur, but is found out as commoner and jailed. When the griffin attacks Camelot, and also the royal castle, the knights' arms prove unable to harm the monster. Arthur frees Lancelot, who confronts the griffin. Merlin uses magic to help Lancelot triumph where all the other knights had failed. Uther and Arthur disagree over whether Lancelot can serve as a knight, and Lancelot leaves Camelot.

THE MIND ROBBER BY PETER LING 5:20pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] LIBRARY (Jamie and Zoe are trapped inside an outsized book. The chapter title 'Un Renard' can clearly be seen with a subheading 'Pris au piege'. A White Robot enters a large library. The walls are lined with books. We can see several tables covered in books and papers. Several shelves of books exist forming a near maze.) JAMIE: It's a book Zoe, ZOE: Oh Jamie, JAMIE: It's closing on us. ZOE: No! (The book begins to close, trapping the two companions.) JAMIE: Push! ZOE: Push! JAMIE: Push! Oh keep it open! (The book closes and a White Robot moves in front of it blocking the view.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (On a viewing monitor, we see the final seconds of Jamie and Zoe being trapped in the book. The Doctor turns to face the Master who is seated behind his console.) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) What have you done to them? (He rushes over to stand before the Master.) THE MASTER: (Smiling.) They are no longer human beings, just fictional characters. Now if you consent to take my place here, they can be released. DOCTOR: You really would do that? THE MASTER: No, my dear sir, you would. Once you have taken up your post here, it could be your first official task as the new controller. DOCTOR: I see, how very ingenious. THE MASTER: I take it then, that you agree. DOCTOR: (Defiantly.) No! My answer is still no!. THE MASTER: How very unfortunate. (He pushes a button on the console. We see a door made of two glass panels with a hexagonal design slide apart to reveal two White Robots. As the Doctor turns to escape them, a third robot approaches blocking off his retreat.) THE MASTER: I'm sorry to have to use violent methods, but you must submit. You have no alternative. (The Doctor stands between two of the White Robots.) DOCTOR: I've yet to see a robot... (The Doctor suddenly rushes toward a set of book shelves.) DOCTOR: ...that can climb. (The Doctor begins to climb. As the White Robots stand helplessly at the bottom.) THE MASTER: You cannot escape. But, we will play your game a little longer. [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (We see a view of the Citadel exterior. A series of turrets, towers and crenellations. We see the Doctor emerge from as window. He looks over the edge of a wall, and winces at the height. He then climbs over a low wall, wiping his hands of dust afterwards. He suddenly flattens himself against a wall as he hears footsteps approach, his face a picture of worry and concern. A door opens with a creak and Jamie emerges, and we see they are in a wide open courtyard on top of the battlements. Jamie is swiftly followed by Zoe who turns and spots the Doctor.) ZOE: Doctor. DOCTOR: Zoe! Jamie! JAMIE: Oh, am I glad to see you. DOCTOR: The Master said you turned... JAMIE: Aye, where do we go from here? ZOE: Well, back to the Tardis. JAMIE: We can't do that. It fell apart, do you not remember? ZOE: Oh well, It's all over now, thank goodness. JAMIE: The Tardis broke up! DOCTOR: Yes, you've said that Jamie. ZOE: I'm tired, I think I'll sit down and have a rest. (Zoe moves off with a strange lifeless expression on her face.) DOCTOR: (Concerned.) Is some thing wrong, Zoe? JAMIE: (To the Doctor.) Aye, where do we go from here? ZOE: (OOV.) Back to the Tardis. JAMIE: We can't do that. It broke up. Do you not remember? DOCTOR: But you... you just keep saying the same things. (The Doctor snaps his fingers in front Jamie's face, as if trying to snap him out of hypnosis.) JAMIE: The Tardis broke up. (The Doctor moves off leaving Jamie standing motionless.) DOCTOR: Well it's true. They're not real. They've been turned into fiction. (As he wanders forwards, he comes across a skylight. He looks down into it.) DOCTOR: Well what's this?... (He pulls out his handkerchief and uses it to clean the window. We see a tele-printer. We can see "They were ambushed by a party of White Robots," being printed.) DOCTOR: ...The master tape!... (The Doctor stuffs his handkerchief back in his top jacket pocket.) DOCTOR: ...I wonder. Perhaps if I were to create a few immortal words of fiction of my own. Yes, it's worth trying. (The Doctor struggles to open the window but is unable to do so.) DOCTOR: (Frustrated.) What I need is the strength of Karkus! (A comic-book visual effect and a whirling sound announces the arrival of the comic-book hero. He stands with his hands on his hip in classic superhero stance.) KARKUS: I am at your command. (He approaches the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Oh thank you dear sir. Perhaps you could release this for me. (The Karkus bends and with some ease removes the entire window, frame and all.) KARKUS: This is want you want? (He offers the Doctor the frame.) DOCTOR: No, I don't actually want it. You see I want to get down here somehow. (He points into the now open skylight.) KARKUS: You wait. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The Karkus moves off. The Doctor approaches the still motionless Jamie and Zoe.) DOCTOR: Jamie... Jamie, Zoe. You are being controlled! (Again the Doctor tries snapping his fingers in front of Jamie's face.) DOCTOR: Jamie, listen, listen. (The Doctor hops about in frustration.) DOCTOR: Oh it's no use. (He returns to look down the open skylight. The Karkus approaches.) KARKUS: A rope. (Distracted by events, the Doctor accepts the rope.) DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. (He pulls on it.) PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: (OOV.) Ouch. DOCTOR: What? (We see that the rope is in fact Princess Rapunzel's hair as she appears alongside the Karkus.) PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: Careful! DOCTOR: Oh yes of course, you're Princess Rapunzel. PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: Are you a prince? DOCTOR: No. No, I'm afraid not. Would you mind if I used your hair to get down there. PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: No, of course not. Everyone else uses it, so I don't see why you shouldn't DOCTOR: Thank you very much. Now then, where can we attach the... (The Karkus grabs the hair, securing it.) DOCTOR: ...ah yes, of course. (The Doctor begins to climb down the rope.) [SCENE_BREAK] THE MASTER-TAPE ROOM (The Doctor climbs down the last few feet. The room is angular, and the walls appear to have panels and lights. In the middle of the room is the master-tape machine itself. The Doctor, after a brief look around, rushes over to the master tape and sits down before it. He looks up and smiles. Then he rubs his hands and prepares to type.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (On a viewing monitor, we see the Doctor poised over the master-tape machine. He appears to be typing. We see the words "Enemy had finally been defeated" on the machines printout. The Master leans forward in triumph.) THE MASTER: Yes... Yes... go on. [SCENE_BREAK] THE MASTER-TAPE ROOM (The Doctor is still sitting at the machine looking pleased with himself.) DOCTOR: "The enemy had finally been defeated by the Doctor." (Suddenly a look of concern passes over his face.) DOCTOR: No! No! I can't say that. If I say that? Phew! I nearly fell for it didn't I. Another two seconds and I should have turned myself into fiction! (Suddenly a Toy Soldier appears.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master watches as on a viewing monitor. We see the Doctor stand up and edge back towards the hair rope. He reaches it and begins to climb. The Master reacts angrily.) THE MASTER: Halt! Now we shall play games no longer. [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The Doctor emerges from the skylight, helped by the Karkus and Princess Rapunzel.) DOCTOR: I'm very obliged to you both. PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: Always happy to be of assistance. (The Doctor notices for the first time that Jamie and Zoe are no longer in the Courtyard.) DOCTOR: Jamie and Zoe! I left them here. Where are they? (Shouts.) Jamie! Zoe! (Gulliver and the group of children enter from an arched entrance in the corner of the courtyard. They approach the Doctor, Karkus and Princess Rapunzel.) GULLIVER: They had to make a departure. It was necessary. FIRST BOY: They'll be back soon. TALLEST GIRL: What's happening? (The Children begin to all talk at once, firing questions at the Doctor.) SMALLEST BOY: You must have some idea? SMALLEST GIRL: Is it a game? HATLESS TWIN BOY: Yes. What's going on? (The Noise level increases and the voices become indistinct. The Doctor holds his hands over his ears.) DOCTOR: (Shouting.) Please! Please I must think. (The Doctor runs away from the group but the children follow firing indistinct questions at him.) DOCTOR: There must be some way out of this. There's just got to be. [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master sits behind his console. He is writing in his ledger. He stops and reads aloud.) THE MASTER: "Jamie and Zoe realised at last that the Doctor was in fact the most monstrous and cunning villain. There was no punishment too severe for the crimes he had committed." (The hexagonal glass doors open and Jamie and Zoe enter, accompanied by two White Robots.) THE MASTER: Splendid! Splendid! Come closer my children. (The pair approach the desk, standing side by side. They stare out ahead of them as if in a dream. One of the White Robot stands behind them menacingly.) JAMIE: You sent for us Master. THE MASTER: Now you know what your friend the Doctor is really like, don't you. ZOE: He is the most monstrous and cunning villain. JAMIE: No punishment is too severe for the crimes he has committed. THE MASTER: Word perfect. That is why I have sent for you both at this moment of crisis. We need your help. ZOE: Tell us what we must do? THE MASTER: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The Doctor sits on a small flight of steps in the courtyard. Near him are Gulliver and Princess Rapunzel. The Tallest Girl and First Boy also stand nearby. The remaining children are spinning around in a circle singing a nursery rhyme. There is no sign of the Karkus.) CHILDREN: A pocket full of posies. A tissue, A tissue. We all fall down. (They break the circle and begin to laugh.) GULLIVER: (To the Doctor.) I understand, sir, that you are in an unhappy situation. PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: Isn't there anything we can do to help? DOCTOR: I only wish there was. (Suddenly the Smallest Girl spot something.) SMALLEST GIRL: (Points.) Look! HATLESS TWIN BOY: What's that? TWIN BOY WITH CAP: I never saw it before. (The Doctor stands, up a look of pleasure on his face. He begins to walk forwards.) DOCTOR: The Tardis!... safe and sound... by all that's wonderful. (He leaps and beams a smile as he stands by the familiar police box. The door opens and Jamie emerges.) JAMIE: Doctor, are you ready? (Zoe emerges as Jamie moves out of the way.) ZOE: The time has come. DOCTOR: The time? ZOE: To leave. DOCTOR: But how did you find the Tardis? JAMIE: We'll explain all that later. ZOE: Come on! We must get away. (The pair man-handle the Doctor into the police box.) DOCTOR: Yes! Yes of course we must. Just when I was thinking all was over. (Jamie pulls the door to, locking the Doctor inside.) ZOE: Oh no. JAMIE: It's not over yet Doctor. ZOE: Not yet. (They both back away, laughing menacingly.) DOCTOR: Oh Jamie! Zoe! (The front of the Tardis has become a cardboard facade. It falls to the floor revealing the Doctor trapped inside a transparent cube. The children rush to the side of the cube laughing. The image of the Doctor begins to fade.) DOCTOR: What's happening? (The Doctor disappears, leaving the group of children still laughing as the screen fades to black.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master, pencil in hand, sits behind his console. He dictates.) THE MASTER: "The children obeyed perfectly. Their mission is completed." (We now see the Doctor. He is trapped against a transparent panel with an elaborate set of machinery arranged about his head.) THE MASTER: And now perhaps we can get down to business. As you refuse to take over my post at the controls, we have been forced to incorporate you into the computer itself. DOCTOR: To what purpose? THE MASTER: To Bring the whole planet Earth under our control. DOCTOR: And it's people? THE MASTER: We have no wish to destroy them. Merely to adjust their minds to suit our purpose. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Sausages. Mankind will just become like a string of sausages. All the same. THE MASTER: Man will simply vanish from the Earth and reappear here. DOCTOR: Leaving the Earth undamaged and uninhabited for you to take over. THE MASTER: Precisely. DOCTOR: If I co-operate. THE MASTER: You have no alternative. You are part of the Master Brain. DOCTOR: (Slyly.) So the computer feeds off my thoughts does it? THE MASTER: Correct DOCTOR: Then it will create what I think. THE MASTER: (Panicking.) Oh No! No, no. No, no. You are now under the control of the Master Brain DOCTOR: (Defiantly.) Are you so sure? You couldn't control my mind before, and you certainly can't control it now. THE MASTER: Submit! DOCTOR: No! You've given me equal power. It's now a battle of wits between me and you. (The Doctor closes his eyes. Lights on the apparatus around his head begin to glow.) THE MASTER: Oh no, no, no! Stop! Stop! DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! Can you hear me? Think for yourselves. Don't be afraid. You can open the book. Go on, you can do it. THE MASTER: No! Oh dear. This is against everything we ever worked for. (The Master Brain suddenly starts up, taking charge of the Master.) THE MASTER: (Mechanically.) Warning! Warning! Emergency Action. Emergency! Emergency! DOCTOR: Don't worry about fiction. Hang on to real life. You've got to get out! THE MASTER: (Mechanically.) Calling the White Robots. Guards will enter the control centre. The Master Brain must be protected. [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The Six children, Princess Rapunzel and Gulliver stand in the courtyard. They speak to an unseen person.) FIRST BOY: What is it? TALLEST GIRL: What are you saying? SMALLEST BOY: Is it a game? GULLIVER: We are no longer in the same service PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: You're going away from us? (We now see that they are talking to Jamie and Zoe who walk mechanically away.) [SCENE_BREAK] LIBRARY (Jamie and Zoe are trapped inside the outsized book.) JAMIE: Push Zoe. Push hard. We will get out. (They strain and the cover begin to part.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master watches this on a viewing monitor. We see the Doctor still in the transparent link watching on a large screen. We can see Jamie and Zoe beginning to win their struggle. The Master reacts angrily.) THE MASTER: Soldiers to the roof immediately. DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! Concentrate. You've got to get out of there. Now push. Harder! Harder!... (On the screen we see Jamie and Zoe succeed in escaping from the book. The screen goes blank.) DOCTOR: ...Splendid, splendid. THE MASTER: Soldiers forward, seize them, destroy them. DOCTOR: No! Jamie! Zoe! Run! [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The real Jamie and Zoe find themselves on the rooftop courtyard. We see Gulliver, Princess Rapunzel and six children in the background. We see Jamie and Zoe back away from some unseen danger.) JAMIE: Back Zoe. (Three Toy Soldiers approach accompanied by the mechanical marching sound. The companions turn and approach Gulliver.) ZOE: Can't you help us? (Gulliver withdraws a flintlock pistol and looks off in the wrong direction.) GULLIVER: We obey our creator. That is all that is expected of any character, unless the Master bids us otherwise. (Jamie and Zoe huddle together and stare at the approaching Toy Soldiers with fear.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master and The Doctor watch this as on the viewing monitor.) THE MASTER: And now Doctor, obey me. DOCTOR: No... Somebody... (Thinks for a moment then suddenly remembers.) DOCTOR: "The Karkus comes to their rescue!" [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The comic-book visual effect and sound announce the arrival of the Karkus. He is holding his anti-molecular disintegrator gun.) KARKUS: I am at you command. (The Karkus rushes around the courtyard to confront the Toy Soldiers.) DOCTOR: (Voice Over.) "He raised his anti-molecular disintegrator gun and destroyed the soldiers." (The Karkus fires and one of the Toy Soldiers is hit. He falls to the floor. The Karkus takes aim again, and a second soldier is felled.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master watches this on the viewing monitor.) THE MASTER: No. (He begins to dictate and write into his ledger.) THE MASTER: "But the Karkus realised his mistake and turned back to face his real enemies, Jamie and Zoe." [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (The Karkus stops firing on the Toy Soldiers and slowly begins to turn to face Jamie and Zoe. The companions watch this, and realise with fear what is happening.) JAMIE: What's he doing? Duck! Zoe! (Jamie and Zoe duck behind a wall. The Karkus takes careful aim.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master continues to write in his journal.) THE MASTER: "With Jamie and Zoe fixed firmly in his sights, the Karkus pressed the trigger of his gun." DOCTOR: "But the power had been used up on the soldiers and it was useless." (The Doctor turns to the Master.) DOCTOR: Oh you'll have to do better than that. THE MASTER: "Suddenly a swashbuckling figure appeared. The poet and swordsman..." (We see a figure emerge on the large monitor.) THE MASTER: "Cyranno de Bergerac." (We see the figure turn to face us. He is reading a book, and has a very long nose.) [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (Cyranno draws his sword and begins to advance.) THE MASTER: (Voice Over.) "Remorselessly, Cyranno advanced on those that had dared poke fun at his nose." [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Doctor inside the transparent link.) DOCTOR: "But wait..." [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (Behind Cyranno a figure emerges, his sword already drawn. Draws his sword and begins to advance.) DOCTOR: (Voice Over.) "He found himself face to face..." (The two fictional swordsmen begin to duel.) DOCTOR: "...with the fearless musketeer and fearless swordsman D'artangon." (The Fight continues as both men cut, thrust and parry. As stirring music plays.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (Doctor in transparent link.) DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! Get away from there. [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (Cyranno and D'artangon continue to duel. We see Jamie and Zoe hiding from the fight.) JAMIE: Come on Zoe. (Jamie leads Zoe around to the skylight opening which leads to the master tape.) JAMIE: Princess Rapunzel, can I borrow you hair again? PRINCESS RAPUNZEL: Of course. (Jamie takes the hair and feeds it down the opening.) ZOE: Why are we going down there? JAMIE: We've got to get to the Doctor. Come on! (He lifts Zoe over the Edge and helps her to climb down.) [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master watching from his console.) THE MASTER: Stop them. Substitute cutlass for rapier. [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITADEL EXTERIOR AND COURTYARD (Cyranno and D'artangon continue to duel.) THE MASTER: (Voice Over.) Cancel Cyranno. (Cyranno is replaced by a heavily built man with a cutlass and a bushy beard.) THE MASTER: (Voice Over.) Black beard the Pirate. (The pirate strikes D'artangon, disarming him and knocking him to the floor. Laughing maniacally he towers over the musketeer and raises his sword to deliver a deadly blow.) DOCTOR: (Voice Over.) Cancel D'artangon... (The musketeer is replaced by a knight in armour astride a white horse. The knight wears a helmet with its face guard down so we cannot see his face. He has a feather plume on top of his helmet.) DOCTOR: (Voice Over.) ...substitute Sir Lancelot in full armour. (The Pirate looks puzzled and fearful. Lancelot raises his sword. The pirate attacks but is disarmed and sent to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] THE MASTER-TAPE ROOM (Jamie falls to join Zoe at the base of the rope inside the MASTER-TAPE ROOM. Zoe helps him land. He points off to his left.) JAMIE: This way. [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER CONTROL ROOM (The Master Brain is active again. We see the spinning transparent ball and hear the electrical-mechanical noise.) THE MASTER: (Mechanically, OOV.) The Doctor is expendable. Expendable. He will be destroyed. (The Master Brain subsides.) THE MASTER: (To the Master Brain, mildly.) Oh no. No, he is the only person. There is no one else. I can't go on forever. Please, Please give me another chance. (The Master Brain starts up again.) THE MASTER: (Mechanically.) You have failed. The Master Brain must protect against overloading. Robot force will deal with him. (The Master pushes another button on the console and the White Robots advance.) THE MASTER: Change robot weapon to destructor beam. (The Master pushes another button on the console. The panel in the White Robot's chest opens and a weapon emerges. We see Jamie and Zoe enter the control room. They crouch down behind the Master Brain.) THE MASTER: Remove him. (The Robots begin to advance.) DOCTOR: Oh my goodness. "As..." (The Robots are very close now.) DOCTOR: "...As the White Robots advance on the Doc..." (He suddenly realises what he is doing.) DOCTOR: ...No, I can't say that! I can't say that! THE MASTER: No, Doctor, you can't save yourself this time. Bring him out. (The White Robots close in on the Doctor. One reaches out for him. Meanwhile, crouched behind the Master Brain, Jamie and Zoe watch on.) JAMIE: Zoe, what can we do? We cant fight those brutes. ZOE: No Jamie, but the computer. It must control everything here, the robots included. And the Master said it must be protected against overloading. (Four White Robots surround the Doctor. Two lead him before the Master.) THE MASTER: It's a pity we must have to destroy such an intelligent mind as yours, Doctor. But, you leave us no alternative. Disintegrate. (One of the White Robots begins to charge up its weapon. Jamie and Zoe rush to the main computer console. They begin to push buttons at random. On the screen, an image of a unicorn, the Medusa, followed by the unicorn again, appear in quick succession.) THE MASTER: Stop them... (Jamie and Zoe continue to push buttons rapidly.) THE MASTER: ...they will overload the Master Brain. (The Master Brain is working very hard.) THE MASTER: Destroy them! Destroy! (The Doctor, realising what is happening, rushes over to the Master and pulls off his head gear. The Master collapses in a faint.) THE MASTER: Oh!! Oh!! (The four White Robots advance in a line, their weapons ready. Jamie and Zoe witness this.) JAMIE: Zoe, let's get out of here and... Duck! (The Robots open fire. The main computer console burst into flames. The Robots continue to fire, destroying the control room. The Doctor remains by the unconscious Master.) DOCTOR: Zoe! Jamie! Oh my goodness. (The Robots continue to destroy at random. Jamie and Zoe make their way to join the Doctor.) ZOE: Shouldn't we all get out of here? DOCTOR: Yes, come on Jamie... (He begins to pick up the Master's limp body.) DOCTOR: ...give me hand with him. JAMIE: What do we want to bring him for? DOCTOR: Don't argue with me Jamie. Give me hand. (The Doctor leads the Master away, followed by Jamie and Zoe, as the destruction continues.) [SCENE_BREAK] THE BLACK VOID (The Doctor leads the Master, who is putting on his spectacles. Jamie and Zoe follow on behind. They are in a featureless black void.) JAMIE: Why did we have to bring him for? He's the one that caused all this trouble. THE MASTER: I'm not altogether entirely sure where I am. Is this the office of the ensign magazine? DOCTOR: No. No. No. You were kidnapped, just like we were. They've been using your mind. (Thin white smoke begins to drift across the area.) ZOE: What happens to us now? DOCTOR: That depends how efficient the White Robots are. Their last order was to destroy. Let's hope they're destroying one another. (We can hear the distance explosions.) ZOE: But what about the Karkus and Gulliver and all our friends out there? DOCTOR: You can't blow up a fictional character Zoe. JAMIE: Aye, but what about us though? DOCTOR: Well, we'll just have to hope that the destruction of the computer returns all to reality, and you my dear sir. (The Smoke is getting thicker.) THE MASTER: You mean I'm going home? DOCTOR: Well I hope so. ZOE: But it could just as well send us into oblivion. JAMIE: You mean, we could vanish forever? DOCTOR: We shall soon know. Hang on! Here it comes. (They Fade away. We see an image of the TARDIS joining back together.)

Plan: A: fiction; Q: What were Jamie and Zoe turned into? A: a way; Q: What must the Doctor find to save Jamie and Zoe? A: the same fate; Q: The Doctor must save Jamie and Zoe without suffering what? A: part; Q: What does the Doctor not want to become of the Master Brain? Summary: With Jamie and Zoe having been turned into fiction, the Doctor must find a way to save them without suffering the same fate or becoming part of the Master Brain.

Written by Ira Ungerlieder. Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.] RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning. JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before. MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was. PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject. JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king. CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours. PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction... CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours. ROSS: I don't want to. RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about. ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason. ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues. JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit. MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking. Credits [Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.] JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff. [Ross enters, depressed.] ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii. PHOE: Are... are you OK? ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he? MNCA: Maybe. ROSS: Don't toy with me. [Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.] FBOB: Geller! ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby! FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh? ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister! MNCA: You and me both. FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon? PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better. FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up? JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really. FBOB: No, I'm picking you up. JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works. FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm still gonna go. MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe. FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica] [Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.] FBOB: See ya. [exits] ALL: Bye! See you later! PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great. MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve. MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend. PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve. RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles] MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses. JOEY: I just had a glass. PHOE: Two. RACH: I had one glass. CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug. RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five? [All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.] ROSS: Oooooh. JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh. MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight. ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand. PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.' JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking? MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo. [Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.] MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no. RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some. FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? [Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.] PHOE: Um, cake. RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.] MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask. MNCA: Bobby. FBOB: Yeah, OK. MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you. FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.' MNCA: So, what are you saying now? FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug] PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's goin' on, huh? FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking. PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why? [Chandler and Joey enter.] CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. MNCA: Hey. PHOE: Hey. CHAN: Guess who's back in show business. PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green? CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead. PHOE: Oh, no. CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who. JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives! PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme. CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight. RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans. MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends? RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date. MNCA: What? JOEY: With a man? RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date? JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you? RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore. MNCA: What are you talking about? RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not. PHOE: But you guys came so close. RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. [Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).] RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ. RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii. [Everyone looks at each other in amazement.] [Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.] ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later. [Joey enters.] ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition? JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday. ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic? JOEY: No. ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.] JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady... ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll? JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in. ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.] RACH: What's the matter? MNCA: It's Fun Bobby. RACH: What, isn't he sober? MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason. RACH: Ohhh, OK. [Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.] MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee] FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny? MNCA: Oh God, yes! FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. PHOE: That is funny. FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now? FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves] CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby. MNCA: Oh.... my... God. PHOE: It's not that bad. MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story? PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky. RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there. MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me. PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free. [Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.] RUSS: Hi. CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh! RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK? RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people. [Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.] PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi. RACH: Hi. PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right? RACH: Uhh.... waitressing? PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone? RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget? PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh. [Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.] PHOE: Oh, my, oh! ROSS: What? What's wrong? PHOE: I, OK.... MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning. ROSS: Alright. CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross. RUSS: Hi. ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's? RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's. ROSS: A date. RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date. ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date. CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare. RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist. ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a.... RUSS: Periodontist. MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night. ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you. RUSS: Ditto. [ROss approaches Rachel at counter.] ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ. RACH: Oh. ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people. RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so.... ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal... RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal. ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. RACH: Um, Russ, you ready? RUSS: Yeah. RACH: Bye. MNCA: Bye. PHOE: Bye. [Russ and Rachel leave together.] ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating. CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating? ROSS: What do you mean? MNCA: Do you not see it? ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence. CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? ROSS: ....................Yeah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.] CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry. JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it. CHAN: Oh my God! JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady. CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God? JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television. CHAN: So, what're you gonna do? JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that? CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know. JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part. CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce] JOEY: Sorry. CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking? JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her. CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have s*x. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas. JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General. CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major? JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. [Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.] WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar? MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you. FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it. MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water. FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator... MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.] CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium. RUSS: Dysprosium. ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium. CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues. [Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.] PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it? RACH: What? PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross. RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ. PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross! RACH: Steve... sleeve! PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve. RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. [They look over at Russ and Ross.] ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful. CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins. RUSS: I know what your problem is. ROSS: Oh you do, do you? RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous. ROSS: Of... of what? RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma. RUSS: Hey, you listen. ROSS: No, no, let me finish. RUSS: No, let me finish. ROSS: No, you let me fini... [Rachel walks up behind them.] ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Hi. RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away] [Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.] RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left? CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with? CHAN: Me. RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you? CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not? [Monica enters from her bedroom.] CHAN: Hey. MNCA: Morning. ROSS: Where ya goin'? MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember? ROSS: Ooooohhhh. [Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.] PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor? ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again? MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing. [Three slow knocks on the door.] RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring. [Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.] MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second. FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute? MNCA: Sure. [They both step out into the hall.] FBOB: This is really hard for me to say. MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon. FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you. MNCA: What about me? FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem. MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes. FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK? MNCA: Oh... shoot. FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. MNCA: OK. [They hug and kiss.] MNCA: Take care. FBOB: You too. [Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.] RACH: What happened? MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up. GANG: Awwwwwwww. [Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.] MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these? CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant. [Joey enters.] JOEY: Hey. GANG: Hey! ROSS: How'd the callback go? JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me. CHAN: So what'd you do? JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way. ROSS: Good for you. JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part. PHOE: So... and? JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! GANG: Allright! JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves] [Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.] Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] RUSS: Hi. CHAN: Oh, hey. PHOE: Hi. RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me. CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man. RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about? [Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.] PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him. RUSS: Oh. [Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.] JULIE: Hey. CHAN: Hey! PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing? JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um.... [Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]

Plan: A: Monica; Q: Who gets back together with Fun Bobby? A: drinking; Q: What problem does Fun Bobby have? A: Joey; Q: Who lands the role of Dr. Drake Ramoray? A: Dr. Drake Ramoray; Q: What is the name of Joey's character on Days of Our Lives? A: the casting lady; Q: Who admired Joey's integrity? A: Russ; Q: Who does Rachel date? A: an uncanny resemblance; Q: What does Russ bear to Ross? A: David Schwimmer; Q: Who played both Ross and Russ? A: Julie; Q: Who does Russ fall in love with? A: Lauren Tom; Q: Who played Julie? Summary: Monica gets back together with Fun Bobby, who the other friends realize has a drinking problem. Monica persuades him to quit drinking, only to discover he is no longer fun. Joey lands the role of Dr. Drake Ramoray, a neurosurgeon on Days of Our Lives after refusing to sleep with the casting lady, who admired his integrity. Rachel dates Russ, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ross (both roles played by David Schwimmer ). After finally realizing Russ is Ross's double, Rachel dumps him. At the end, Russ and Julie ( Lauren Tom ) meet and fall in love at first sight.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Peyton : I'm having your baby. Lucas Scott. Lucas : I love you. Doctor : I just want to run some tests. Haley : I thought I was in charge of the school paper and had final say on what went in it. Mrs Buttkiss: You do. And I have final say on whether or not you work here. Nathan : That was the Charleston chiefs. You're looking at their newest point guard. Millicent : I had s*x last night. It was a mistake. It was supposed to be you. Mouth : I know. Millicent : Brooke says she needs a buyer in New York for costumes. Maybe I should go. Mouth : I think that might be best. Jamie : What's that. Grandpa? Dan : That's the thing that makes noise when it's time for me to get better. Julian : I want you to have this. It means we're going steady. Brooke : This is so wrong... but it's... so right. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : You need to go. Julian : Why? What did I do? Brooke : You know what you did. Julian : Most girls like that. Brooke : Well not me. I'm gonna take a shower. And when I get out. I want you gone. Julian : I don't understand why it's such a big deal. Brooke: Because I don't do that! I'm a mother for God's sakes. Julian : Look Brooke. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Okay? Really. I promise. Brooke : You promise? Julian : I promise Brooke : Okay you caught me a little off guard there. Julian : Understandable. I'm sorry. Brooke : I'm sorry I freaked out. Just as long as it doesn't happen again. Julian : You have my word. Never again will I say the words "I love you." Even though I do in fact love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Brooke : Quit it! AT MOUTH'S HOUSE Mouth : Millie? Millicent : Marvin. Mouth : What are you doing here? Millicent : Picking up the rest of my stuff. I'm sorry. I talked to Skills. He said you'd be at work all day. Mouth : That's funny. Skills told me to be here all day to wait for the cable guy. Now I'm thinking he just unplugged the cable. So, how's New York? Millicent : It's nice. I missed it. It's a really exciting place to be. Mouth : That's good. You know things have been pretty exciting in Tree Hill. People are losing their minds over this movie business. And I met the guy who's playing me. It's totally weird. I could have sent that to you. Millicent : I came to get my car. I'm driving it back. Mouth : I thought the whole point of New York was that you didn't need a car. Millicent : Yeah but I've decided to stay on a more permanent basis. Mouth : Waouh. So ... I guess this is goodbye for a while then. Millicent : Actually it's goodbye forever. AT THE BEACH HOUSE Nathan : Hello? Anybody home? Haley : Geez! Nathan : Haley. Haley : Sorry. I'm really sorry. Nathan : You know bad hearts run in my family. Haley : I know. It's a good thing I know CPR. Nathan : What is this? You send me a cryptic text telling me to meet you at this strange address. What have you been doing in Charleston? Haley : What do you think? Have we ever spent this day apart? Nathan : No. Haley : Come on. You couldn't come home this weekend so I just decided to bring home to you. Happy anniversary Nathan Scott. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Deb : Since it's just you and me tonight I am going to let you stay up past bedtime and watch "Thomas & friends." Jamie : I'd rather watch "Gossip girl." It's so bad for me. Deb : Keep dreaming. Okay you're pretty good at math so I'm guessing Orval is joining us again for dinner. If he even touches my pepperoni I will kick his imaginary butt. Jamie : Easy Nanny Deb. It's not for Orval. Deb : That was fast. The pizza's here. Dan : Hello Deb. You're looking ... old. Jamie : Grandpa Dan! Dan : There's my guy. Deb : What do you want Dan? Jamie : I invited him. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Don't you know there's a rule about letting pregnant women lie? Lucas : Is that "lie" as in "sleep" or "lie" as in "of course you're the baby's father"? Peyton : No. It's "lie" as in "sleep." but that too. Lucas : You know you're gonna feel really bad about that when you see my surprise. Peyton : Really? Has the surprise anything to do with the reason you didn't come to bed last night? Lucas : Maybe. You ready to have your world rocked? Peyton : Not so much. Lucas : You got morning sickness again. Peyton : Yeah sure. Lucas : You okay? Let's get you to bed. The doctor said you need to take it easy. Peyton : I want to see the surprise. Lucas : It's not a good idea. Peyton : I want to see it. Lucas : Peyton... Lucas : Like you said this is our house now. Peyton : It's beautiful. Lucas : Peyton... Peyton : I'm just gonna need a minute. Peyton : We haven't even picked out names yet. I was thinking "Anna." "Anna" for a little girl after my mom. Lucas : Come on. Don't. Peyton : Or maybe. um... maybe "Sawyer" for a boy... Sawyer Scott. Lucas : We need to take a couple days and process this okay? Peyton : When I think about all the time I thought maybe I didn't want a baby like I... like I couldn't handle it... Lucas : Peyton, it doesn't work like that. The universe doesn't punish you for being afraid. Peyton : I know. I know. But I can't do it. Lucas : Listen the doctor... Peyton : I know what he said. Lucas : If you have this baby... you could die. Peyton : It doesn't matter. I'm gonna have this baby. Lucas : The doctor didn't say something could happen to you. He said there was a very good chance. Peyton he said we could lose the baby anyway. Look, we... we don't have to make this decision now okay? We can...take a couple days before we go back in. Okay? Peyton : For an abortion. Lucas : That is not what the doctor called it. Peyton : That's what it is. Lucas : Look, nobody is gonna say... Peyton : That's what it is! Okay. If you would like to talk about it then call it what it is. Lucas : How could this happen in a month? Peyton : I had some pain early in the pregnancy. Lucas : Why didn't you tell me that? Peyton : 'Cause I didn't want you to worry and they said it was nothing. Lucas : This isn't nothing. Peyton : Maybe it is. Lucas : What does that mean? Peyton : Well it means whatever happens, happens. Lucas : That is really selfish you know that? Peyton : Excuse me? Lucas : Okay fine! You want me to be the bad guy?! Fine. We'll call it what you want. But if continuing this pregnancy means I lose you... then we end it. Peyton : It's not an "it. Luke, this is our baby. All right? You... you saw its heartbeat. You saw its little tiny fingers and its toes. Lucas : Stop it! Stop it! Peyton : No. I'm not gonna stop it! I want you to think about it okay? Lucas : Well then we'll try again okay? Okay? We can adopt okay? I mean, if your parents never would have adopted we never would have met. Peyton : I know. I know honey. And I love you for that. But this little life inside of me... it's you and it's me. And I want him to have your goofy squint and I want her to have my chickeny legs. Lucas : I don't need this kid to look like me. I don't care about that. I care... about this child growing up without a mother. Look what it did to you. Peyton : You are really trying to guilt me into this. Lucas : Hell yes I am. That is exactly what I'm gonna do if in the end it keeps you alive. Peyton : You are such a dick. Lucas : Well. Then fine I'm a dick. Peyton : What are you doing? Lucas : It was too soon. Peyton : Stop it! Lucas Eugene Scott if you don't stop it right now I will beat your ass! Lucas : You sound like a mom. Peyton : I am a mom. Lucas : A while back. I had a dream... that something happened to you. It got me to thinking about my life without you and I... I can't... No. I can't live that life. I can't. You talk about how I'm always saving you Peyton and I can't save you from this. Peyton : We can't even think like that, okay? Will you just please look at all the stuff you and I have survived together? I mean, car crashes and bullet wounds and psychos. Are we really gonna let some doctor lay odds on us? And okay. Even if something does happen to me you're gonna be okay. And you can raise this baby on your own just like your mom did. Lucas : And how am I supposed to feel about the child that took you away from me? Peyton : God. I don't worry about that for a second because you are not that person. And you will never, ever, ever be on your own. You have Nathan and Haley and... Brooke. And just think about all that sexy Jake Jagielski single-dad tail you're gonna rake in. Lucas : Not funny. Peyton : I'm sorry. It's not funny. Because I would haunt your ass just to make sure you never had s*x again. Lucas : How can you joke about this? Peyton : 'Cause I'm scared. Taught me to believe in fate. I mean, that's what "The comet" is all about, right? It's about accepting your fate. Lucas : How can this be fate? Peyton : Maybe it is. Maybe... maybe the whole point of you and me and every single moment that we've shared together has just been leading us here. Maybe you and I are meant to create this life because maybe this life is gonna change the world. Lucas : I can't accept that our story doesn't have a good ending. Peyton : Our story already has the greatest ending. No matter what. 'Cause we're together. Lucas : I need to know we're making the right choice. I just... What? Okay c... c... come... come here. Sit down. Sit down. I'll call an ambulance. Peyton : No. Wait. He's kicking hard. Do you feel that?! Lucas : Yeah. Peyton : It is okay for you to love this baby. It doesn't mean you don't love me. Lucas : I can't live without you Peyton. Peyton : Honey you don't have to, and you're not going to. I know it. I can feel it. We are gonna live happily ever after. All three of us. AT MOUTH'S HOUSE Mouth : Millicent wait. Millicent : Wait for what Marvin? What else is there to say after goodbye? Mouth : You're not wearing your glasses. Millicent : I had Lasik. I see 20/20 now. Mouth : Well. I guess it was a month of firsts. Millicent : Okay. If you're done making fun of me. I have a long drive. Mouth : Hang on. That was mean. I... I was angry. Maybe I still am a little. Millicent : Trust me... there's nothing you can say that I haven't said to myself a thousand times. Mouth : Well, maybe there's one thing. I'm sorry. Millicent : What are you sorry for? Mouth : For driving you away. It's my cell phone bill. Millicent : It's $300. Mouth : Text-messaging fees. Most of those were texts from Gigi and a lot of them were my replies. Millicent : Why are you doing this? It's cruel. Mouth : I'm not trying to be cruel Millie. I'm doing this because you're the one who deserves to be angry and you need to know that you didn't screw this up. I did. And I didn't even really realize how wrong it was until I saw it there in black and white. Millicent : Why did you do it? Mouth : I don't know. Maybe I... maybe I got some kind of rush out of it. I can't give you a reason that won't sound like an excuse. But if I'd never gone down that road then you never would have... you know. So before you walk out of my life... I need to know if you can forgive me. Millicent : That's really noble Marvin but, you're a guy, you have needs. Gigi made you feel special in a way that I obviously couldn't. Mouth : That is not true. You made me feel special every single day. Millicent : But never at night. All those nights we slept beside each other, there were so many times I'd lie awake watching you sleep and I'd just want to rip your clothes off and attack you. Mouth : Why didn't you? Millicent : I was scared... that what we had was so special that s*x would mess it up. That the promise of it could never live up to the real thing. But now I realize that our relationship wasn't that special. Mouth : Don't say that. We were amazing together Millie and... I know we can be amazing together again. Millicent : The mistakes we made will always be there between us. But maybe if we start over... maybe the past won't be there in our next relationships. Mouth : So the mistakes go away but we're with the wrong people. Millicent : We can't just go back to being Mouth and Millie. Mouth : I don't want to go back. I want to go forward... being this version of us. Millicent : What do you mean? Mouth : I mean, things were always so easy between us before but this is real life. Yes, we made mistakes. We screwed up. Maybe we can be that couple that finds our way through it to something better... something we both know is worth fighting for and protecting. I... I don't have all the answers. Millie. I just... I know that I miss you. Millicent : What do you miss about me? Mouth : I miss knowing that my day was gonna start with you, knowing that I was gonna come home to the one person who really got me. I miss the fact that around 2:30 every morning you snore for exactly seven minutes. Millicent : I do not. Mouth : And I miss... I miss the glasses. Millicent : The glasses aren't coming back Marvin. I can't rewind the clock and take any of it back. Mouth : I know that. But I didn't love you for your glasses. I love you for you. Millicent : I love you too Marvin. But it's not just about you forgiving me. I have to forgive myself and I can't do that if I'm seeing you every day. I have to go. Mouth : Or you could stay. Millicent : I'm sorry. AT THE BEACH HOUSE Nathan : To seven years. Haley : Seven years. I can't believe you talked me into marrying you when I was 16. Nathan : I know. What the hell was I thinking? Haley : That's like Jamie bringing home a wife in 10 years. Nathan : Stop it. That is so not gonna happen. Haley : We'd totally be hypocrites. Nathan : That's true. Where is the boy anyway? Haley : Your mom's watching him for the night. Nathan : And who's gonna watch him when we do a dime for breaking and entering? Haley : Don't be such a wuss. I've got everything figured out. Time for fortune cookies. Nathan : Okay. Okay. "You are a master of your craft" in bed. Now, that is true. Haley : It does not say that. Nathan : No but you can add "in bed" to the end of any fortune and it works. Haley : What? Nathan : It works every time. Try it. Try it. Haley : Where do you come up with these things? "Prepare yourself for a big change," in bed. Well you know what they say about the seven-year itch. Nathan : Fortune cookies suck. Haley : It got the "change" part right. Nathan : I know the last couple weeks have been hard on you... taking care of Jamie, working full time. Haley : Yeah, that's kind of what I meant. Um... listen, uh... I haven't exactly been working full time. Nathan : What? Why not? Haley : It's just like, uh, you know. I consider it a vacation... an unpaid one that may never end. Nathan : Haley, what the hell happened? Haley : You know that paper I told you about that Sam wrote for school? Nathan : Yeah. Haley : It was incredible and important and maybe a little pg-13 and Principal Rimkus told me I couldn't publish it in the school paper. Nathan : So of course you did. Haley : Yeah. Are you mad? Nathan : Yeah... at Principal Buttkiss. Haley : That's very original. Nathan : Thank you. Haley : Anyway she suspended me, so... but it got me thinking you know, about where we're headed and just the bigger picture. Nathan : And? Haley : Well, for instance...what do you think if Jamie and I come here? Nathan : You want to move to Charleston? Haley : I know. It's totally crazy, right? But on the other hand you're gonna be spending a lot more time here than you will be in Tree Hill. Nathan : Next you're gonna tell me that we already bought this house. Haley : No. But the realtor is a friend of a friend in case we wanted to check it out. Nathan : You are just full of surprises tonight. Haley : I'm just getting started. Nathan : This place is practically falling apart. It must be dirt-cheap. Haley : I think it's beautiful. It kind of reminds me of the old Granville house in "it's a wonderful life." You know... the one George and Mary used to throw rocks at and make wishes. See? Isn't this perfect? Jamie would love it. Chester would love it. Nathan : I'm sure this place comes with things that could eat Chester. Haley : Come on. This could be my music studio! Oh, and... it happens to overlook the driveway with a basketball hoop. So whenever I need inspiration I can watch you play... shirtless. Nathan : I mean, you just got this all figured out, don't you? Haley : Well, I'm just dreaming. Baby, Tree Hill's always gonna be our home. And I don't want to leave forever. But at the same time, we never said we'd stay forever. Nathan : Okay. You want to dream. Let's dream big. You should get back to your music, but I'm not talking about writing songs in some creaky, old house. You should get back on the road. Haley : Yeah like that's ever gonna happen. Nathan : I saw that look in your eyes after that U.S.O. show. You get the same rush from the crowd that I do. Haley : And one attention whore per family is enough, don't you think? Nathan : We could make it work. Haley : Like we did last time? Nathan : We are not the same couple we were then. We're much stronger now. Haley : We also have a child to think about. He has school. Nathan : It's a good thing his mom is the world's greatest teacher, whose speciality is tutoring Scott boys. Haley : I don't know baby. A different city every night? Living out of a bus? What kind of a life would that be for him? Nathan : It's the kind of life most kids dream of. I'll tell you what. Come here. Pretend like we're outside right now throwing rocks at this house. You tell me your wish wouldn't be to go back on tour. Haley : It would. Nathan : I knew it. Haley : Nathan. We would have totally separate lives. What would that mean for us? Nathan : Phone s*x. Haley : I'm serious. This is our marriage. You can't take those kind of chances with marriage. Nathan : You got to play defense, do you know who you're talking to? Have you seen my defensive stats? Look. There's only a couple of things that I'm certain of in life and one of them is that. No matter what happens you're gonna be the one wheeling me around when I'm 80. Besides. I just... I couldn't live with myself knowing that my dream kept you from pursuing yours. Haley : You're so amazing. Nathan : I know. You got lucky. Think about it will you? Haley : Yeah. I'll think about it. Nathan : Besides what do you want with an old house like this? There's too many rooms. Haley : You forgot how much fun we're gonna have filling them up with kids. Nathan : Really? All these rooms? Haley : All of them. It's a big house. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Apparently you missed the part about me wanting you gone. What are you still doing here? Julian : I didn't know you dated Ryan Reynolds. Brooke : What are you talking about? Where did you get that? Julian : This website. It's called whosdatedwho.com. It lists everyone you've dated for the past five years. Brooke : They can't do that! Julian : You're a public figure. The rules of common decency don't apply. Brooke : But this is all wrong. I never dated him. I never even met him. Well yeah, I would have dated her, but no. Julian : Colin Farrell, nice. Remind me to get tested. Brooke : Very funny. You can't believe everything you read on the internet. Julian : Yeah but even if you can believe half of it the sheer volume... wow. Brooke : Okay. Playtime's over. Julian : Six hours of battery life sweetheart. Brooke : Why are you doing this? Julian : Because I'm trying to figure out why you got so freaked out about what I said. Brooke : By examining my ex list? So I dated a few guys in New York. So what? Julian : You weren't in love with any of them? Brooke : I didn't have time for love okay? And even if I had Victoria would have never allowed it. So there it is. Julian : So then the last time you were in love... Now I get it. Brooke : Yeah. It was a long time ago. Where are you going? Julian : If you have more than one copy of Lucas' book I'm out of here. Brooke : Look I'm sorry if it's weird for you. Julian : You still love him? Brooke : No. I don't. Julian : Yeah. That's what Peyton said. Brooke : First of all. Peyton fed me that story long before she told it to you, so I've been there. And second, I love her, but I'm not Peyton. Julian : I'm sorry. It's just that I've already been in a relationship that had the stench of Lucas Scott hanging over it. Brooke : And how do you think I feel? I'm the girl who's dating the guy who came to town in the first place to get Peyton back. Julian : Okay not exactly true, but... point taken. Brooke : Yeah. It sucks always being the footnote in someone else's love story. Julian : But you're right you know. You're not Peyton. Lucas and Peyton's story is all about romance and destiny and fate. But you're different. Brooke : Um... thanks? Julian : Brooke Davis writes her own story like you did with your career and your company and with Sam. You choose your own path. Brooke : Yeah. But you can't choose who you love. Julian : You're right. You don't. But you choose whether or not you open your heart to love. Brooke : What do you want me to say? Julian : How about "I love you too Julian"? Brooke : How about. "I like you a lot"? This is all happening really fast. What happened to just having fun? And you know it's not as simple for me. I have Sam to think about. Julian : Don't do that. Brooke : What? Julian : Don't hide behind Sam. Brooke : I'm not hiding. Julian : Yes you are. And you want to know what I think? I think you do love me... or you could love me... but you're just too stubborn and scared to admit it because the last time you really gave your heart to someone it got broken. And I get that. I've been there. But somewhere along the line you gave up on the idea that you deserve to feel this way again. But you don't see what I see Brooke. You deserve this. So I'm gonna try one more time. I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm so lost and completely in love with you. I have been ever since I saw you doing that ridiculous molly ringwald dance. Brooke : Julian... I... I care about you so much. Julian : Never let it be said that Brooke Davis is easy. Brooke : Julian. Julian : I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. You know what? It's okay. Someday you'll let someone in. Today's just not that day. Brooke : I don't want this to change anything. Julian : No it won't. It won't. You know you were right. It's my fault. We were just having fun and I just... you overwhelmed me a little bit. It's too soon. Brooke : It is a little too soon. Julian : Yeah. I know. I'll tell you what... why don't you go get ready for dinner? We'll pretend the last hour never happened. Brooke : Are you sure? I mean... can we really do that? Julian : Yeah. In fact in the movie business we do it all the time. It's called a deleted scene. Go pull yourself together Brooke Davis. You look a mess. I'll wait for you. Brooke : Okay. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Can I have some ice cream now? Dan : It's okay with me if it's okay with your... granny Deb. Deb : One scoop. Jamie : Yes! Dan : He's a good kid. Deb : He's a great kid. Who unfortunately drank the Dan scott kool-aid. As soon as he's asleep you're gone. Dan : How about the comic stylings of the good Dr. Seus? Jamie : How about a story about daddy when he was little? Dan : You want a story about your dad? Okay. Let's see. There was this one time we all went down to disney world. That was when your dad was even younger than you are. And we were at the petting zoo and I wanted to take a picture of your dad petting this big brown goat, when this bratty kid walks up and whacks the goat with a big stick. That's when the goat hip-checks your dad 10 feet across the petting zoo. He didn't even know what hit him. Jamie : Grandpa. Why'd you and nanny Deb stop being married? Dan : Well J-man... life's like a long race. And some couples were meant to go the whole distance and some were only meant to go halfway. Jamie : Do you still love each other? Dan : Time for you to hit the hay. Jamie : What about mommy and daddy? Will they ever stop being married? Dan : If there's one thing I know it's that your mom and dad are gonna make it all the way to the finish line. I love you buddy. Jamie : I love you grandpa. Dan : Well the boy's out. I guess the same goes for me. Deb : I remember that trip to Disney World. The only ride Nathan would go on was the tram to the parking garage. So the two of you spent the whole day on it talking basketball. Dan : Yeah. That was a great day. Deb : We drove 600 miles to ride on a bus. Dan : Still a great day. Deb : Yeah. We were supposed to be this couple tucking our grandkids in together. Dan : Nobody sets out to have a failed marriage Deb. It ends with a million little mistakes. Deb : And a couple really big ones. Whenever I think the man I fell in love with is still inside there somewhere... I remember that you stood in that hallway looked your brother in the eye and pulled the trigger. Dan : I've done my time Deb. Deb : It'll never be enough. Keith won't get any time back. Dan : You want to talk about Keith? Let's talk about Keith. You're right. In a single moment of hatred... I made the greatest mistake of my life. But I did it because I thought I was getting revenge. Deb : Okay. It's time for you to go. Dan : No. No. No. Not yet. I thought I was getting revenge 'cause I thought Keith had poisoned that bottle of scotch and left me there to burn to death. But it wasn't Keith. Was it Deb? Deb : I... I... I don't want to hear this. Dan : It was you wasn't it?! You want to walk down memory lane tonight? I thought the reason Keith was trying to kill me was 'cause I hired Jules to sleep with him. And the reason I did that was 'cause in one of the worst moments of my life I walked in on my wife cheating on me with my own brother! From the way I see it... I pulled the trigger... but you loaded the gun. I've done my time Deb. Have you? Deb : You don't think I've thought about that every day for the past five years? How I left Karen without Keith, Lily without a father. And that's why I hate you. I hate you for killing Keith and I hate you for the guilt I feel! It's good that you're gonna die soon Dan. It makes me believe in justice. Now get the hell out. Jamie : Grandpa? It's time for you to get better. AT BEACH HOUSE Nathan : This house is starting to grow on me. Haley : It's been a great anniversary. Nathan : But you did all this for me. And I didn't give you anything. Haley : That is not exactly true. You've given me an amazing life so far. Nathan : Who knows? Maybe someday when my body's completely wrecked and you're singing days are over, we can come back here and... grow old together. What do you say? Haley : Yes! I say yes! Nathan : Happy anniversary Haley James Scott. Haley : George Bailey. I'll love you till the day I die. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Okay. I think I've gotten pretty presentable. Julian : Yeah. Okay. Right. Yeah. I'll be right there. Brooke : Who's that? Julian : It was the production office. Apparently one of the locations fell through. I got to go down and figure it out. Brooke : Tonight? Do you want me to go with you? Julian : No. It'll probably take a while. Brooke : Okay. Well... come over when you're done. We can still have dessert. Julian : I'll probably just crash at the hotel. But I'll see you tomorrow. You look beautiful Brooke. Brooke : Someday. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : This scares me Peyton. Peyton : It'll be okay. Lucas : And what if it's not? Peyton : It will be. We are gonna dance at this kid's wedding. And we're gonna spoil our grandkids together. I know it. I'm doing this. I'm having this baby. Lucas : No. We having this baby.

Plan: A: their baby's condition; Q: What do Peyton and Lucas receive news about? A: their relationship; Q: What do Brooke and Julian come to a crossroads within? A: Jamie; Q: Who do Dan and Deb babysit? A: Millie; Q: Who is Mouth trying to pick up the pieces with? A: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Peyton and Lucas receive some startling news about their baby's condition. Brooke and Julian come to a crossroads within their relationship. It's Nathan and Haley's wedding anniversary, and as they celebrate, Dan and Deb are left to babysit Jamie. Elsewhere Mouth and Millie try to pick up the pieces of their relationship. This episode is named after a song by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy .

Safety Officer: Sorry, you're not on the list. Blair: Of course you do! This is my dream! Security guard: Not anymore. Gossip Girl: Hi, the Upper East Siders. There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than surprises. And we see the 2 in 1 formula enjoyed Blair Waldorf: his mother Eleanor who has just returned from Paris and Serena Van Der Woodsen lunching with girlfriends. Serena: Hey! You're standing. Blair: We had something planned? Eleanor: Honey, it's rude to interrupt. I just said to Serena, that Bendel is interrested by the shelving of my line. Blair: Really? It's great! Why did not you say anything? Eleanor: I returned to Paris early enough to meet my book and if they like what they see, it could be the beginning of a complete collection "lifestyle". Blair: Because more people should be like you mom. Eleanor: Before biting in there, you ought to interresser yogurt 0%. Blair: I lost a pound during your absence ... Eleanor: And you are wonderful. Serena: They are beautiful, Ms. Waldorf. Eleanor: Well, they will be if they are not offended by the trip. Honey, please. Serena comes back later when everything is unpacked. I'd love to have your opinion. You have a beautiful style, good for you. Serena: Thank you, but it will not be possible. Blair and I have plans today. Bair: A good? Gossip Girl: Serena and Blair may have projects today, but Nate and Chuck are overbookés for all weekend ... if they survive. Chuck: From Piaget. Nate: You can not call it a watch? Chuck: If it costs more than 10 bricks, it deserves its own name. Nate: And that? Chuck: Especially that. The ball Babe Ruth, the best that have ever typed for a home run. Better safe than sorry. Here we go! You survived the week and Ivy have fortunately gained entry to a tiquet the school of your choice. Now, ruining the chance. Let me remind you the rules. From now, the only outside world is the one I showed you, you eat what I give you and you do what I tell you, and until further notice the only girls whom you speak are the ones I paid. The weekend of debauchery begin! Man: One, two, three, two! Chuck: Who brought the yeti? Nate: It's not Carter Baizen? I have not seen him since he was last year and in the fifth. He looks serious. Chuck: Are you high? Looks like Matthew Mcconaughey between movies, it's a loser. Listen, someone who changes his investment fund for a fanny-pack is shattered all that is holy to Chuck Bass. Carter: Nate Archibald, is that you? Nate: Baizen, buddy! I heard that you had become a rogue! Carter: And I'm here to talk about it. Gossip Girl: It looks like someone did not anticipate the intruder. Chuck does not he know that a party is not one until someone is there is not embedded? Blair: My god, I forgot what it was like to be with you. Serena: No, they looked at us both. Blair: You crazy not me, it was like that all morning, starting with your charming visit my mother. She has not even called to say she was returning. Serena: She was busy. She hurried back and everything. Because she wanted to see you. Blair: She did not even awake. Serena: You know what Eleanor thought of sleep to be beautiful. Blair: She loves you more than me. Serena: This is not true, you are her daughter, she loves no one but you. It's just ... she does not know how to show it sometimes. Blair: Okay, I'm inside, wait for me. I come back. Serena Humphrey! Dan! Hello! Dan: Hi! Serena: Oh my god, that's what I love about this city, you fall always full of people. What are you doing here? Dan: I'm back from my mother after having filed in Hudson Jenny. I took two Cuban for me and my father ... sandwiches, not cigars! Serena: Do you remember saying you could meet one day and ... not to speak? I wondered if this "day" is happened? Blair: It was disgusting. The head should be closed. Serena: The toilets? Blair: No, all people ... it's called Nolita, not "no shower". What are you doing here? It smells like pork? And cheese? Ok, as soon as you finished with your charity why not join me? I would have to Tory Burch to look for ponchos. Dan: It's not the girl who said to the whole school and several universities that you had a drug problem? Serena; Si But you know, Blair may be a little Blair. Dan: Yeah, yeah. Serena, is just trying to reconcile. Today is our first day out alone both. So it is better that I go back. Dan: Yeah, of course, is ... Serena: Yes. But call me one of these days so we can get together and do stuff you do not ask me to do. Nate: I do not understand, the last time I saw your sister she said that you had turned your family and you wandered the earth's surface. Carter: No, I just wandered in their own area. Once embezzled money, you see that it does not buy freedom but rather a prison. They said I had gone but I just escaped. Nate: You went where? Carter: Where? I helped clean up after Katrina, spent a year rebuilding Machu Picchu, which, let me tell you, my life has changed. I bought a digital camera and filmed for a documentary. Chuck: You're the guy who gave us our first joint, first brought to our club and you will tell me that the life of director for Youtube is better than that? You've invented the weekend of debauchery. Nate: Who interress at a party when you can travel? Carter: Exactly, in the real world, the only thing that matters is what you are and not what you possess. Chuck: Well I love this speech on non-material need a guy who has as much product in his hair, this festival is about the excess, not the phisolophie. Stop talking. Let's party. Now this is something that requires nothing material. Indeed, this is about to be removed. Who's with me? Nate: I think I'll stay here a little bit. Chuck: Well. I would have hated to destroy such a beautiful meeting anyway. Carter: If we went around a few cards? That sh1t for the kids, texas hold'em died. I'll show you the real action. You know what? I am part of the weekly game in this borough of Queens, it lasts all night. This is the real game: high stakes, big money, people with stories that would raise mine for anything. You ... you should come. Nate: Yeah? Carter: Yeah Laurel: It missed its entry in the parade of Chloe, because she was vomiting a pear. She made the cover of vogue Vera. Eleanor: I do not want dummies Vera, none is good. Laurel: That's because you cling too in standard fashion, then you should look for a new face, that goes well with your clothes, someone in this book, as I have told you. Eleanor: I hate the American style. Laurel: But it comes close to what you seek, they are current, trendy. Eleanor: If this person must represent Waldorf designs, I must find someone who ... deserves his clothes. Laurel: Yes. Eleanor: Someone like me. Someone like ... my daughter. Laurel: Well why does not it? You want someone who represents the lifestyle of the Waldorf. Who better to represent you as a family member? Eleanor: I made my first dress for her. Serena: She would love to! Blair: I can? Laurel: Eleanor? Eleaor: Yes. That's perfect. Laurel: Eleanor Waldorf, here is the new face of Waldorf for Bendel. Gossip Girl: It's a smile on the face of B. ? For once the spotlight is on her and S. helped him there. I suppose that miracles exist. Serena: It will be so sexy, the clothes are beautiful. Blair: They are. Serena: Shut up they are incredible. Blair: I give just a service to my mother. Hair and makeup trials are tonight. Katie: I think this is my best pose. Isabel: Because you see it. Model is that you hand. That's how to do ... Blair: The girls do not. That's how to do. No. We must bend the column forward, lengthening ... Serena: No, girls. You do anything. You miss the point. Look, you must get your hands on the hip and ask. That's how you have to do. Blair: Ask. Ask. Serena: Hello. Who is it? Blair: Who dares interrupt VDWoodsen when she teaches? I say that? Serena: Give me back my phone! Dan: Dan Humphrey. Serena: Who is it? Blair: I'm sorry, Dan, this number is no longer in service. Serena: Stop it, who it is? Blair: I give you service. Dan: I hear you. Do I talk to Serena? Blair: Apparently you can, sweetie. Serena: Come on, give it to me. Blair: My god. Serena: Hi, Dan. I'm really sorry for that. Dan: And I'm really ready to hang up. Serena: Blair was playing. You have my attention, I promise. Dan: Okay, because I was calling to ask you not to talk with me by going to the movies tonight. Serena: Tonight? Where? What time? Dan: In Sunshine at 7:00. Serena: I would love. See you there. Dan: I'll see you there. Rufus: It's complicated, is not it? Bex: I can not help but observe. This is hard work, in the best sense, égnigmatique ... Reminds me of Bacon or young Schnabel. Rufus: The artist lives in Hudson. I have represented for a while. Rufus. Bex Bex Simon. I heard a lot about your gallery. I do not expect such a work from an old rock star. Rufus: I prefer "author of a tube". Bex: Why did you open a gallery? Rufus: I always wanted to be an artist. Bex: It has something in common, I continue always the artists. I shot all day in Brooklyn for a client, I'm buying, I did not find a work like this and I do not think she will long remain. I would like the book. Is that possible? Rufus: Yes, of course. Bex: What time do you close? Rufus: I will remain open. Bex: Good. Thank you. Chuck: What is Carter here? Nate: I invited him. Chuck: Or he invited himself alone? That's his style ... beg us to free us from our prisons while he crams free food and alcohol that our vacuum. It is a parasite and unn hypocrite. Nate: And a good basketball player if my memories are good. Are you afraid to lose against him, Chuck? Carter: If your father bought a basketball team instead of a hotel, you might have the skills. Chuck: This is the weekend of debauchery for new, not old. Go hang yourself. Carter: Let's get it on the ground. Chuck: No, right now. Nate: Calm down. Chuck: No, this is my part, I choose the players. Carter: I understand, I'm going. Nate: Hey man! The card game is tonight? Carter: Yes. Nate: Send me the address by text. OK Carter Nate: You were not doing that. Chuck: No want him here. It's an old blues brother everybody. Nate: Come on, play a little basketball. Terry: Ok, Blair, relax, head down, not moving and ... Ok, are you ready? Another, this time, breathe, jump, you coward. You cowards really this time. Relaxes you for that. Now give me your best pose. That's it. Come on, more. Think big. One, two, troix! Ok, take a break. Thank you very much. Who chose this girl? Laurel: Eleanor, why? Terry: It is so stilted and stiff, like a library, it is not natural. Laurel: Yes but it is fabulous in the clothes, right? Terry: To me, it looks like a goddess. In those eyes, yuck. Looks like a statue. This is not to sell to the press. She has to let go, have fun, have fun. How will the customer does not love the dress if the dummy will not like? Serena: All dabord, you are terrific! Blair: I know. Serena: But I can give you a little advice? Blair: I thought so. Serena: No, all you have to do is just let you go, you know? Bestir yourself. You could do the crazy like when you were 10 years and we danced to "Genie in a Bottle" in your mother's clothes. Blair: Help me. Help me. Serena: Daccord ... Be like a lion. Ok? Go! No, no, you gotta roar! Yes, yes am the tiger! Spread over the tiger! You're in the jungle. You're a savage! Now, let's make it a prettier. You are Venus in the half shell. Looks up. Let's do something crazy like britney and her umbrella. Ok, Britney and her umbrella. Go! In the car! In the car! Posh Spice in America. Ready? Go! It's Cyborg Spice for you. You have to do pouting and arching. You remember the hand on her hip. Cambre and poses. Going, continuous, you're a s*x bomb. This is perfect! You're doing great! You have in the skin! Look how beautiful you are. Poses. Blair: What are you doing? Serena: Oh, damn. I have to meet Dan. Blair: No, you stay here. I need you. I can not disappoint my mother. Dan: You arrive soon? Serena: I sui really sorry, but I'm kind of stuck at this photo session with Blair. It's a long story but I can not join you. Dan: A photo shoot? Serena: It sounds very superficial, I know, but it is important to her and you know, she matters to me. But I'd forgive, I promise. Dan: No, it does not matter you inkiète not. Serena: You're the best, I knew you'd understand. I remember later. Dan: Yes, yes. Cashier: How? Dan: None. Bex: Are you still there? Rufus: Yes, I told you I would wait. Bex: A man who keeps his word. I like it. Rufus: You could talk to your client? Bex: I came back, right? Make me an invoice. Rufus: Really? It's great. Bex: You are terribly excited. This is not the first time, anyway? You sell a painting. Rufus: I already had the first few times but the artist is happy. It ... does something else for a while. It is very important to her. Bex: For my client too. This is a very special work. You would not ... I do not know, celebrate with a drink? Rufus: Well, we were talking about the artist is my wife. Bex: I thought the artist was living in Hudson ... Long journey. Rufus: She lives there. Not me. Bex: If ever the train had stopped ... Chuck: Phase three: the pub crawl: 5 districts, 50 pubs ... 500 chances to sleep tonight. And remember, do not dip your stick ... in the wrong pot of gold. Come on, you'll think of your boyfriend inside. Nate: I do not come. Chuck: Seriously, Carter Baizen fears. I do not know what spell did you cast it, but this is not your friend. You can not trust him. Nate: And why? Because it does not have the same values as you? This is exactly what he said. Money, drugs, privileges, they brutalize us so that we know that it's better in the real world. Chuck: The real world? Everyone around wants to be like us. We are what we want, not what we want to flee. Nate: You do not really understand me, huh? Chuck: Your dream for you, you know what it is? Because I hear you say you do not want to go to Dartmouth and you do not want to follow in the footsteps of your father, but what you want, exactly? Nate: No that's all I know. Chuck: You better find out before everything behind to find it. And where are you? Rufus: How was the movie? Dan: Loupé ... Literally ... I do not know what to think of Serena, Dad, I do not know if it's worth it. Rufus: What do you mean? Dan: It is best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf, who is everything I hate in the Upper East Side in a concentrated evil daughter of 43 kg with doe eyes, who dresses from couturiers and coming out of big words. Rufus: No one is as bad. Dan: She, though. I was exaggerating just saying it is Medusa who wants to find her petrifying gaze. Rufus: If there's one thing I learned is that in general ... there is something beneath the surface of these people, makes them act this way. Dan: Like what? Orange juice in her mimosa was in no hurry but concentrated? And said what about if Serena is her best friend? Rufus: I dated a girl like Serena once ... which resembled indeed much to Serena. And girls like that ... are challenges, yes. They are complicated and enigmatic ... and generally they are worth blow. And the only way to know for sure is there to jump in with both feet. Dan: What happened to you? Rufus: I swam a time ... until I drown. Dan: Thank you, it's a great story, Dad. Eleanor: Now sleep and I'll see you tomorrow morning. We'll go to the photo shoot together. Blair: You have not done that since I was little. Eleanor: You do more layers before 22h since you were little. You were really good tonight. Blair: Really? Dan: Hello? Serena: How was the movie? I missed something great? Dan: Yes, even without the film. Serena: Do not be arrogant, I call you with a reconciliation plan. Are you available now? Dan: Yes. Serena: How would you like to see what really happens during a photo shoot? Dan: I'm sorry, this is Dan Humphrey. You do not try to join my sister instead? Serena: I know it's a girl thing but tell you one thing: I'll be there. Dan: I can bet on it. Because according to probabilitées, I lose my shirt. Serena: This is the photo shoot for Blair, I must be there in moral support. Dan Blair? Finally, for sure, I do not come. Serena: It's not as bad as you think. In addition, it will be so busy with the shots you do not even see her and since it's so boring to be next, get my attention. Ok, and if I you bought anything from the buffet? Dan: I thought it was free. Serena: A morning, 8am. I'll send the address via SMS, I hang up before you again protests. Dan: A feet together, Humphrey. Eleanor: What is the great urgency to keep me awake before the big day, Laurel, and why we have not just talked on the phone? Laurel: For if we had not seen in person, I would not have been able to show you these photos. Terry: This girl does not describe what you are trying to say inaccessible, mistress of herself, perfect. Eleanor: It is not inaccessible, it is full insurance, royal. Terry: I know it's your daughter and I do not want to create problems ... but ... your daughter is too steep a twig. You have to be afraid of it let you go so your designs and ... can not be in ... What is the word again? Eleanor: Symbiosis. What can we do now? [SCENE_BREAK] Terry: Your daughter is beautiful, yes, but this girl ... this girl has in her! She is warm like the sun, she has fun. It will make customers believe that if they buy these clothes. They also have fun Laurel: But it's your decision, Eleanor. It is entirely your choice. Gossip Girl: The rules for dummies, the day of a shoot are the same as for a patient before operation ... do not eat or drink within 12 hours which precede. Wear comfortable clothes and you ensure that your affairs are in order. We do not know what could happen in a flash. Serena: Hi B, you must'm sleeping, be already be under way, but I can not wait to see you at the studio, we'll have fun! Eleanor: Thank you Lord, you're awake! Blair: I'm late? Oh my god, I slept too late? Eleanor: Honey, I have bad news. Teddy, this idiot photographer thinks we need to change direction. Blair: With the theme? Eleanor: With the dummy. Honey, I hired these people for their advice, and finally, they think ... it would damage the brand. I'm really sorry. I know you really wanted it. Blair: No, really, I'm glad I do not have to go. I hate photo shoots, it's so boring. You should take Alessandra Ambrosio and not an amateur. Eleanor: We take dinner after all, ok? Steak fries and pancakes "coffee artists" as before. A little while ago. Blair: Hi S., I hope you're not already there, as it turned out that my career in fashion was completed faster than Jessica Simpson in the movie. Now that I think about it, maybe we could become embedded in the photo shoot and see who replaces me, make fun of skinny bitch? Lily: How did you have? Rufus: I think it is really out of place here. Lily: I'm not kidding, Humphrey. Rufus: What are you doing with that? Lily: Why do the selling? Rufus: You ... you are the customer of Bex. And you did not know. I am surprised that you have hired someone who has taste. Lily: I'm as shocked as when she said she found a great thing in Brooklyn, your gallery does not come to me in mind. Rufus: You must admit the art to remind you of the place. Lily: I know your wife would not want it behind me. Rufus: Allison is a professional, has no control checks of potential buyers and me either. In addition it has been almost 20 years. Lily: And yet you know not women. Rufus: And you still know everything. Lily: Your wife despises me. Rufus: I would not say that. Lily: If she despises me. She wore a dress perhaps with suspenders and Doc Martens at the time but she really meant it. Rufus: It's not like you. She does not cling to this stuff. Lily: Why would not call you asking? Or are you leaving him still in space? Because, believe me, show it in my house, even after this conversation, will only further away. Rufus: What do you do? Lily: Take back the. You can call Bex to establish reimbursement. Rufus: What you have in mind? Lily: I thought ... it was amazing. Chuck (message to Nate): We need to talk, where are you? Nate (message to Chuck): Fives Stars in Queens. I'll call you later. Carter: No phone! Nate: That's right, sorry dude. Carter: You made how much? Nate: $ 5000 Carter: That's insane, amigo. Nate: I should stop until I win. Carter: What? It has just begun. Nate: I played well. And it's better to leave your head up. Carter: I'm not gonna let that happen. The table will shrink. People will start to unfold. Up to now was that the cards but ... Now, it's an adventure. A few more hands. Man: Ok, let's continue. Nate: Ok Carter: Let's play. Blair: You foues Me? Teddy: Fantastic! One, two, three ... Serena: There it is. Blair. Come quickly! What made you take so long? Blair. Blair, wait, where are you going? Blair, wait, why are you so angry? Blair: Why am I angry? Why I am not angry, yes? How I have thought for a second that this would be different this time. Serena: Different? Blair: You stand it spotlights are on me for once, eh? Serena: What are you talking? I was told that we would do together. What you did not get my message? Blair: And this morning, then? When you saw the call sheet, my name was there? I was not the hair, makeup, this was normal? The locker room wearing only your name, you've thought it was an oversight? Serena: I was told that you had of late, and they asked me to make the catch before. Blair, they told me you wanted me to do. Blair: And you have them raw? Serena: Look Blair, I am encouraged to do so. Why I would try to steal what I have to push? Blair: Because you take me for everything! Nate, my mother ... Serena: Blair! Blair: You can not help it, that's what you are. I just thought that this time, it would be different. I should have known that I was wrong. Super. Gossip Girl: Spotted ... rude awakening of a boy alone. Queens of the Upper East Side were not born at the top. They are moving up in heels. No matter on which they must walk to get there. Eleanor: It has to come back. There you are! Terry told me that you are ... Serena: Eleanor, I quit. Eleanor: Wait a minute. Why? Serena: I think you know! Eleanor: Because of Blair? I know she will understand my decision when I have explained. You know you like the spotlight ever since. It's part of your charm, there is nothing wrong with that. Who are you? Ridges that you here? Dan: I do not know, actually. Dan: I'm surprised you on the stairs. Serena: Dan, listen, I really can not talk now. Dan: Ok, forget what I told you so. In fact, I am dumb. I'll just stay here and very silently flashing. Unless you do veuilles ... Serena: To do without my jeans? Yes, please. Dan: It's just that ... I thought you wanted to stay on the sidelines here. You wanted to be here for your friend Blair. You know, we had to use the buffet and I must have all your attention. Serena: Say it. Dan: I do not think it necessary am. Serena: So my best friend does not believe me and the boy that I like either. Listen, Dan, Blair's mother trapped me for bringing me here. Because she did not want Blair. How to say something like that her best friend? Dan: I do ... Serena: Look, you know what, Dan? Go out of here, ok? I need my makeup and I just need to leave here. Blair: Serena send you to talk to me? Dan: No, believe it or not, I came to myself. Blair: I normally would not be so near you without a tetanus shot. Dan: Ma .. my mother went there a few months. Only my ... father and sister do not see it because she told us she was away for the summer to pursue his dream of being an artist. But this is no longer summer, and it is still there. And that is all that seems to interresser right now. Whenever I visit, I tell myself: "This time I will tell him what I think." "This time I will look into the eyes and tell you to go am, be you 'm leaving for good. "And then I was there the other day I was sitting at the table opposite her, looking her straight in the eye, and I said nothing. Blair: Why? Dan: I do not know but I would have liked because even though it would not have changed, she would know how I feel Man: As, sir. First bet. Man 1: $ 5000. Man 2: 5 to follow. Nate: I have no money, am his bet. Carter: It was only luck. You are daccord for the brand that? Nate: I do not think it's a good idea. Carter: If you never take any risks, begins now. What is the point of playing if not? It's good. Man 1: You sure he is leaving? Carter: Of course, this is an Archibald. Nate, I raise to $ 10 000. Man 2: 5 to follow. Man 1: I am. Men: Show your cards. Set of aces. The set of aces wins. Carter: It's hard. Nate, You told me to play. Carter: This is the chance my friend. He had three aces. Nate: Look, I do ... It may take me a while to find the money. Carter: Wait, wait. Time? Come on, man, snaps fingers ... Nate: Wait a minute. You're with these guys? You've fooled? You fooled me, huh? I take that as a yes. Carter: Give him the money, man. It's nothing for you. They do not joke but nobody gets hurt. I try to help you. Chuck: Yeah, you're a true friend. Carter: Who left you enter Bass? Nate: I was trapped. Carter: It is not forced. It was at the fair. Chuck: Really? Carter: Be you give them money now, I am told them where you live, and they will take it to your father. What do you think? Chuck: Look ... you took my watch and my ball. You keep them, you care for these types. I do not call the cops and it breaks. Carter: Okay, I'm on it, I'll take care Nate: I will transfer money and pray that the captain did not see it before bailing out. Chuck: You do not have to pay me back. It was worth all the pennies to see how this guy ended. Nate: No, I care ... Really ... Thank you. It is not possible. Chuck: What? Nate: I'm zero. Chuck: You're perhaps on the wrong account. Nate: No, something is wrong. I accessed the account last month and there was near $ 200 000. Nate: Tom, thank you for reminding me so quickly. Tom: Your message said it was important. Nate: Yeah, I checked my account and there must be some mistake, my money seems to be zero. Tom: I thought you knew. This account was emptied several weeks ago. Nate: Emptied? But ... by whom? Tom: Your dad. He said he had spoken with you. Terry: We must solve it. What will we do? Laurel Blair, baby, there is a terrible mistake. Would you find your job? Blair: Did you choose Serena in my place? You could have chosen a stranger. You did not choose my best friend. You thought I would not know? Eleanor: I was going to tell you tonight ... dinner. There was no right decision. There was no time. I know you can understand all that. It was mismanaged ... all ... from beginning to end. Blair: That I Wanna Be daccord with you? Eleanor: Bendel will legitimize this company. It's going to take it to another level. You know how I worked hard for it. You were always my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. Blair: I am your daughter. Eleanor: And as such, I knew you would forgive me in time, but if my company had lost the market because of you, I'd never forgive me. Blair: I hope so. Gossip Girl: We do not have it said, but in the life of every girl, there comes a moment when she realizes that her mother might be more disturbed it. Serena: You're still there? Dan: Yeah, I could not leave without you bring something from the buffet. And you say I'm sorry to have judged. Serena: I'm sorry for giving you reasons to do so. And if you invite me again to come out? Dan: And if you really came? Serena: Ok, no drama, no disruption, I promise. Dan: You promise? No! That means it'll never happen. Serena: Ok, quick! I withdraw, I de-promise. Dan: Friday, 20 hours ... Blair: I think we can accept these conditions but you can not wear these shoes. Neither this cup. Serena: Blair. Ok, more. Dan: Daccord. Serena: You were right. Blair: I know. Serena: When I got this call, I should have known that you had nothing to do with it. And I should never have to push yourself to do all that first. Blair: Well, I'm glad that thou hast pushed. It turned out to be a very important day for me. I just thought it'd be funnier. Serena: I know, me too. You know what? Who says it can no longer be? Go. Go. Gossip Girl: S. and B. committing a crime of fashion. Who does not like to buy with five fingers? Especially if one of the fingers is the middle one. Eleanor: Where are my clothes? Gossip Girl: Everyone knows you can not choose your family, but we can choose our friends and in a world governed by the origins and bank accounts, it is to have a friend. Serena: Repeat it, one, two ... One, two, three ... Gossip Girl: Although the "best friends for life" can put you in the end, one can not deny that we'd all be a little less rich without them. And Serena and Blair, they are the "best" better than anyone. No, these are not tears in my eyes, it's just an allergy. Without you I am nothing. Gossip Girl.

Plan: A: Blair; Q: Who is the new face of Eleanor's clothing line? A: her clothing line; Q: What does Blair's mother do for a living? A: Blair's happiness; Q: What turns to betrayal and jealousy? A: Serena; Q: Who moves into the spotlight? A: Serena's shadow; Q: What does Blair find herself back in? A: two; Q: How many different worlds do Serena and Dan come from? A: a boys' weekend; Q: What do Nate and Chuck do to blow off steam? Summary: Blair is thrilled when her mother, Eleanor, chooses her to be the new face of her clothing line. However, Blair's happiness soon turns to feelings of betrayal and jealousy when Serena moves into the spotlight and Blair finds herself back in Serena's shadow. Meanwhile, Serena and Dan are reminded once again that they come from two very different worlds, and Nate and Chuck indulge in a boys' weekend to blow off steam after Ivy Week.

[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Prue and Phoebe are carrying lots of shopping bags.] Prue: I don't know Phoebe, the Betsey Johnson dress may be a bit too much for work. Phoebe: That's what a new wardrobe's all about. Pushing the limit. Prue: Yeah, and stretching the budget. Maybe I should just check with Piper. (They hear Piper laughing and then Piper and Leo run in the foyer. Piper sees them.) Piper: Oh my God, Prue. (She freezes Leo, trips over his leg and slides across the floor and stops at Prue and Phoebe's feet. They help her up.) Piper: I'm so embarrassed. Phoebe: Of course, she may have other things on her mind like having her way with the handyman. Piper: I thought you guys were supposed to be shopping. Prue: Obviously. (Phoebe notices Piper's shirt unbuttoned.) Phoebe: Oh, look, front clasp bra. She means business. Prue: Serious business. Piper: Do you mind? Phoebe: No, are you kidding? I think it's great. As long as he's not still on the clock. Piper: That's what I mean. You guys have to get out of here before he unfreezes. I never know how long this things lasts. (Piper sees all the shopping bags.) How much did you guys spend? Phoebe: Lots. Prue's new look is perfect for an SHW. Prue: SHW? Phoebe: Single Hot Witch. Prue: Hmm. Piper: Prue, are you sure this isn't depression buying, you know, post-breakup? (Phoebe gets some red, sexy lingerie out of a bag.) Phoebe: Does this look like something a depressed woman would wear? Prue: (to Piper) Hmm, maybe you should borrow it. Piper: Okay, time's up. You two gotta go. (She pushes them in the living room.) Go, go in there and be quiet. Phoebe: We will if you will. (Piper walks over to Leo and stands where she was standing. He unfreezes and they run up the stairs.) [Scene: Manor. Prue's room. Kit's there. Prue walks in and unzips her sweater. Rex astral projects next to Prue. Kit growls and hisses at him.] Prue: Kit, what is it? Rex: You forgot to unpack your briefcase when you got home from work. You want to do it right now. (Prue walks over to her briefcase and unzips it. You see a tiara in there.) What you're about to pick up is a tiara but you really believe it's your date book. (The tiara is now a date book. She gets it out.) Now put it in your desk, just like you always do. (She puts it in the drawer.) Excellent. Now you want to continue getting ready for bed. (Prue takes off her shoes. Kit jumps up on the desk and hisses at Rex. Rex astral projects back in his body.) [Cut to Rex's office.] Hannah: Well? Rex: Prue, did exactly what I told her. You know, I rather like this new power. Hannah: Are you sure she didn't see you? Rex: No, no, she didn't see me. I was invisible. Hannah: But how did you get there? Rex: I explained this to you, Hannah. It's called astral projection. With it I can transport myself psychically and implant a subliminal thought into Prue's brain. Just like I did when I tricked her into leaving the vault today with the tiara. See, I planted the thought and made her think she came out empty handed. Hannah: I still don't understand how it works. Rex: Watch. (He walks across the room and astral projects over to Hannah.) You want to disrobe for him... desperately. (He astral projects back in his body. Hannah stands up and unbuttons her jacket.) Understand now, Hannah? Opening Credits [Scene: Next morning. Manor. Prue's room. You see her try on all her clothes she bought the day before. She picks out an outfit and goes downstairs. Phoebe's at the bottom of the stairs wearing a suit.] Phoebe: If you ran an Employment Agency, wouldn't you want me? Prue: Maybe, but I'd definitely want my suit back. Phoebe: No, this is part of your old wardrobe. I'm just recycling. Prue: Well, the environment thanks you. Phoebe: But, take it off, I know, I know. (Piper comes down the stairs.) Piper: Hi. Bye. Prue: Piper, didn't you have to go in early this morning? Piper: Right, that was the plan. I'm running a little late. Um, just took a little longer to get out of bed this morning than I planned. Okay, bye. (She turns and heads for the door.) Phoebe, Prue: Wait. (They stand in Piper's way.) Phoebe: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, Leo, last night, dish. Piper: Um, well, it was nice. It was... well, it was wonderful. We just had a few problems Phoebe: Problems? Prue: What problems? Piper: Well, it's been a while since, you know, I-I was a little nervous, and I kinda kept freezing him. Prue: Piper, you didn't? Piper: I didn't mean to... the first time. Phoebe: (making little noises) Ohh! Prue: Okay, so, um, at what point exactly in the process exactly did you freeze him? (Piper doesn't say a word.) Phoebe: Hello? Piper: I gotta go. (She walks around them and heads for the door.) Prue: No, no Piper, we're only teasing you. Phoebe: Yeah, the truth is we're just jealous. Prue: Yeah, seriously, we're just happy to see you with a great guy finally. Phoebe: I mean, between you and Leo, and Prue, the new Hot Wicca Woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up. Piper: Don't say that! The moment someone says that, everything always goes south. Phoebe: Unless you freeze him. (Piper grabs her coat.) Oh, I couldn't help it. It was so good. Prue: Okay, okay, come on, we're going, you're going to borrow the car. (Leo comes down the stairs.) Leo: Good morning. Phoebe: Yeah, we heard. (Piper laughs nervously. Prue and Phoebe grabs their coats.) Prue: Ah, bye. Phoebe: Yeah, have a magical day. (They leave.) Leo: Um, what does she mean by that? Piper: Who knows. I'm late for work, bye. (She kisses him on the cheek. She goes to leave but Leo grabs her around the waist, pulls her back in and kisses her.) Bye. Leo: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Prue and Phoebe walk in. There are cops everywhere.] Prue: Hymie, hey. What's going on? What happened? Hymie: We got robbed last night, Prue. Prue: You're kidding? What was stolen? Hymie: The Romanov Tiara. Prue: Oh my God. Not the tiara. (Rex comes up to them.) Rex: Prue. Prue: Rex, hi. Hymie just told me. Rex: Yeah. Hello, Phoebe. Nice to see you again. Phoebe: Hi, Rex. I'm sorry about what happened. Rex: Yeah, me too. A loss of this magnitude could severely damage our reputation and who is gonna consign anything with us if... Prue: No, no, no. We just have to get the tiara back before word gets out. Rex: I agree. Will you take point on this then, you know, help the police? You're really the only one that I can trust. Prue: Sure, but, what about you? Rex: Unfortunately, I've got another commitment tonight, that I really can't get out of. It's, uh, some good friends who are giving a concert and, uh, well I promised I wouldn't miss it. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, who? Rex: The Verve. Phoebe: Get out. Are you serious? Rex: Why, you know them? Phoebe: Know them? I worship them. Bittersweet Symphony is like the best song ever. Rex: Really? I have an idea. Why not join me tonight? I'm sure I can rustle up another ticket. (Prue pulls a face to show she doesn't like the idea. Rex notices.) Well, you wouldn't mind, would you, Prue? Prue: Of course not. Why would I mind? Rex: Then it's a date. Well, figuratively speaking, of course. Prue: Of course. Rex: Yeah, um, pick you up at 7:00, all right? Phoebe: Yeah, that sounds great, thanks... uh, oh, look at the time. I gotta get going. Hey, I promise I'll have the car back by noon. Prue: Uh, huh. Rex: Thanks for pitching in, Prue. (Rex leaves. Andy walks around the corner.) Andy: Prue. Prue: Andy, uh, are you on this case? Andy: Yep, guess fate keeps throwing us together. (Hannah comes up to them.) Hannah: You two know each other? Forgot. Prue: No, you didn't. Hannah: Well, I suggested that the Inspector speak with you since you were the last one to actually see the tiara. Um, if you need anything else, please don't hesitate to call. (Morris arrives.) Morris: We'd like to see the security tapes from the last night, as soon as possible. Hannah: Oh, yeah. I'm sure Prue can arrange that. Excuse me. (Hannah and Morris walks away.) Prue: How are you? Andy: Okay. It'd be better if you stopped by the station later on so we could talk about all this. 1:00? Prue: Sure. [Cut to Rex's office. Rex and Hannah are there.] Hannah: I can't believe you're taking that little witch to the concert. That was my ticket. Rex: Hannah, kitten. (He purrs.) You know I'm only doing it to upset Prue. All the better to frame her and force her sisters to relinquish their powers. Hannah: How do you even know they even can? Rex: They have a special spell in the Book Of Shadows. When the time comes they'll use it. Trust me. [Scene: Police station. Prue's there. Andy's interviewing her.] Andy: You said you put the tiara back in the vault before you left was anybody else there? Prue: The security guard Hymie. Andy: Did he lock up the vault? Prue: No I did. Andy: Ok, did you happen to taken anything out of the vault when you left? Prue: No. Is this an interview or an interrogation? Andy: I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get all the facts, that's all. Morris: The problem is there were no signs of forced entry into the auction house or the vault. Prue: So, do you think the one of the employees might have stolen it? Morris: A strong possibility. Prue: Someone like me? Andy: No, don't be ridiculous. Morris: Still, we have to check out everyone's story. Grand Larceny's big time could a person fifteen, twenty years easily. Andy: I think we got enough for now, Prue. If we have any others questions. We'll give you a call. Prue: Well, you know where reach me. Andy: I think I still remember. (Prue leaves.) What was all that about? Morris: You tell me. Last time you were ready to bust her for stealing a feather. Now you think she's Miss Innocent? Andy: That was a whole different situation, completely unrelated. Morris: Look, I'm not saying she did it alright. But you have to admit, a lot of the arrows are pointing in her direction. There's also this. Security tapes that Prue got hold of. One's missing. The one from the vault. [Scene: Quake. At the bar. Piper's counting money from the cash register.] Prue: You're glowing. Piper: Hmm? Prue: Your face, total afterglow. Piper: It is not. It's just warm in here. Prue: Mmm hmm. Piper: So, How much was that tiara worth, anyway? Prue: Well, I didn't get a chance to have it appraised we just got it in yesterday. But I would say well over a million dollars. Piper: Wow. Do they have any idea who stole it? Prue: Yeah, me. Piper: Huh? (Phoebe and Rex arrive.) Phoebe: So, what's on the desert menu? Piper: Hey, how was the concert? Phoebe: The best. It was amazing. Prue: Still recycling. I see. Rex: Thanks for taking care of things tonight, Prue. I really appreciate it. Phoebe: Mmm. Don't you just love that accent? Rex: By the way, how'd it go with the police? Prue: Uh, well, they think it's an inside job, actually. Rex: Do they? How disturbing. Phoebe: Okay, shop talk later. We're gonna grab a table, okay? Piper: Take that one by the window. I'll send, uh, Cindy over. Rex: Uh, you're welcome to join us, Prue. Prue: No, thanks. I think I'll pass. (Phoebe and Rex walk over to the table.) Piper: She's a big girl, Prue. Prue: Meaning? Piper: He's rich, he's stable, he's handsome. You should be happy for her. Prue: I'm thrilled. Piper: Are you jealous? Prue: No, no! More like territorial. Okay, I would just like to keep my work world separate from my home world, is that okay? Piper: Good Luck. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Piper are sitting on the couch. Piper's on the phone and Prue's reading the paper. Phoebe comes down the stairs.] Phoebe: Good morning. Wow, roses. Who are they for? Prue: Guess. Piper: Leo, I need to call you back. Something's about to come up. I'll see you later, okay? Bye. (Phoebe reads the card.) Phoebe: “Phoebe, thank you for a lovely evening, the job is on its way. Rex.” Phoebe: Oh, what a sweetheart. Wait, who opened the box? Piper: I can't get over how beautiful these are, can you Prue? Prue: So, it must have been quite a night, you know, after the concert. Phoebe: Hmm. Piper: I'll put these in some water. (Piper goes to the kitchen.) Phoebe: All I did was tell Rex that I was going to the employment agency. He said he'd make a few calls and help me out. So, what's the big problem? Prue: Phoebe, really, it's none of my business. (The doorbell rings.) It's just, watch what you say to him, okay? Because there are certain things I don't want my boss to know about me? (Prue walks in the foyer and opens the door. Andy and Morris are standing there.) Andy, uh, what are you doing here? Andy: We're here to search your house for the tiara, Prue. We've got a search warrant. (He holds up the search warrant and walks inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Prue's room. Everyone walks in.] Phoebe: Wait, how can you guys even think that Prue stole the tiara? Andy: We don't, Phoebe. Not necessarily. (Andy and Morris start looking in drawers.) Phoebe: Yeah, well, then what are you doing here? Spring cleaning? Morris: Any idea where the vault security cam tape is? Prue: I gave you the tapes. Morris: Uh uh, not that one. Andy: It wasn't there, Prue. (Andy opens a drawer and Piper notices the tiara in there.) Piper: Whoo! (Piper freezes Morris and Andy.) Prue: Why did you do that? (Piper gets the tiara out of the drawer.) Prue: That's why. Prue: Uh, no no no. Wait. That is not possible. How did it get there? Piper: I don't know but you better come up with an answer quick before they unfreeze. Phoebe: Someone must have planted it there Piper: Who? Somebody's been in our house? (Rex astral projects in Prue's room.) Prue: It doesn't matter. Just let them find it. I've nothing to hide. I'm innocent. Phoebe: That doesn't look very innocent. Piper, hide it. (Piper hides it under a pillow on the bed. Andy and Morris unfreeze.) Rex: (to Andy)I think you should check under the pillows. Andy: Morris, check under the pillows. (Piper freezes them and gets the tiara.) Piper: How did he know to look there? Phoebe: Uh, put it in the dresser. He's already looked there. (Piper puts it in the dresser. Morris and Andy unfreeze.) Rex: (to Andy) You want to look in the dresser again. (Andy walks over to the dresser. Piper freezes them again. Rex walks behind Piper.) Rex: This is getting ridiculous! Piper: This is getting ridiculous. Prue: No, eerie is more like it. (Phoebe gets the tiara out of the dresser.) Phoebe: I will be right back. (She walks out of the room.) Piper: Don't worry. I'll just keep freezing them until they give up. Rex: (to Piper) You're a miserable witch. (Piper gets a funny look on her face.) Prue: What's the matter? Piper: I don't know. I feel like calling a shrink for some reason. (Phoebe returns.) Phoebe: Okay, I put it in the, uh... (Andy and Morris unfreeze.) (whispers to Prue) Attic. (Rex disappears.) Andy: Nothing. I think that's good enough for now, Morris. I'm sorry about all this, Prue. I really am. Prue: Yeah, I know. Morris: Come on, Trudeau. Let's go. [Cut to Rex's office. He astral projects back in his body.] Rex: Witches. (He knocks something of his desk.) Hannah: Well, did the police find the tiara? Rex: No. Piper kept freezing them and then moving it. Hannah: Well, how can we frame her if they can't even find the evidence. Rex: Shh. We're gonna have to up the stakes. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue: Somebody is obviously trying to set me up, and they're using magic to do it. Piper: But who? And how? Phoebe: Pick a warlock. Any warlock. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Hey, uh, what were the police doing here? Piper: Oh, nothing much, really. Leo: Is it all right if I go upstairs and fix the bathroom sink? Phoebe: Oh, knock yourself out, Leo. (Leo leaves.) Phoebe: Did anyone ever think that maybe he's a warlock? Piper: Why is it always someone I'm dating that gets accused of being that? Don't answer that. (The phone rings.) Answer that. It's safer. (Prue answers the phone.) Prue: Hello? Uh, yeah, hi Rex. Look, I'm on my away in. Of course. Hold on. Prue (to Phoebe) It's for you. (Phoebe takes the phone off of Prue.) Phoebe: Hello? Yes, I got the flowers. And they're beautiful. That was so sweet of you. They made quite an impression over here, too. A dinner party? Yes, I would love to. Hold on, let me get a pen. (Phoebe walks out of the living room.) Piper: So, what are you gonna do? Prue: What can I do? My sister's dating my boss. I don't really have a... Piper: I meant about who's setting you up. Do you have any idea who it could be? Prue: It's got to be someone at the auction house. And if I had to guess, I would start with the person who said that they were out to destroy me. Piper: Hannah? Prue: Smart girl. [Cut to the attic. Leo walks in. He puts his toolbox down and shuts the door. He holds out his hand and all the chests open. He walks over and looks in them. He uses his powers and they close. He then opens a drawer with his powers. He hears footsteps and quickly closes the drawer. Piper walks in.] Piper: Leo, what are you doing? I thought you were going to fix the sink. Leo: Yeah, I was, I-I mean, I am. I just, uh, I need to fix a light downstairs and I was hoping there'd be some old fixtures up here that I could cannibalize. Listen, uh, there's something I need to tell you. Something I don't think you're gonna like. Uh, I might have to leave here soon. I might have to go back home. Piper: Is home far away? Leo: Yeah, it's pretty far. I mean, I don't know for sure yet, but, uh, you know, I wanted you know, just in case. Piper: Thanks. Leo: Well, I, uh, better get to work. (Leo kisses Piper on the cheek and he leaves. Piper notices a drawer open slightly, she walks over and sees that it's the one with the tiara hidden in it.) [Scene: Rex's apartment. Phoebe rings the doorbell. Rex astral projects beside her.] Rex: You will see a spectacular apartment. (He disappears. Rex opens the door.) Phoebe, I am so glad that you could make it. Please. (Phoebe walks inside.) Phoebe: Wow, this is... Rex: Spectacular? Phoebe: That is exactly the word I was going to use. Rex: We must be on the same wavelength. Champagne? Phoebe: Uh, no thank you. Rex: No, I insist. (Rex pours some champagne in two glasses.) Phoebe: Um, Am I early? Rex: No, you're right on time. Phoebe: But I thought you said you were having a dinner party. Rex: Yes, I am. With a very exclusive guest list. Just you and me. (Phoebe sits down on the couch.) A toast. To your interview. (He hands her the glass of champagne.) Phoebe: Interview? Rex: Yeah, at Zeitgeist magazine. They want to meet with you, you know, perhaps, um, hire you for the fashion section. Interested? Phoebe: Very. But what's the catch? Rex: You have to sleep with me. (Phoebe gets mad and she puts down her glass.) Phoebe, what sort of man do you think I am? (They laugh). Um, I hope you like sushi. Imported fresh from Kyoto. Please, just make yourself comfortable. (Rex walks into another room and astral projects next to Phoebe. Phoebe's holding a little mirror and is checking her make-up.) Rex: You're having a premonition. Of Prue at work. (Phoebe has a premonition.) She's in danger. You fear the warlock's after her. You must save her. (Rex astral projects back in his body.) Phoebe: Prue. (Rex comes back in the room.) Uh, I, uh, I gotta go. I-I I'm really sorry and I can't explain, but, uh, uh, I'll call you, okay? Sorry. Really sorry. (She leaves. Rex clicks his fingers and the nice apartment turns into an empty and dark place. He gets out his cell phone and dials a number.) Rex: 911? I'm calling from Bucklands Auction House. I think something's trying to kill me. Please hurry. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's walking down the hallway. Hymie comes up behind her.] Hymie: Working late? (Prue gets a fright.) Sorry, didn't mean scare you. Prue: It's okay, uh, I guess I'm just a little jumpy lately. Hymie: Can't blame you with everything that's been going on. Prue: Yeah, um, listen, Hymie, I was wondering. When the tiara was stolen, was anyone else still here? Like Hannah or-or-or Rex, maybe? Hymie: No, you were the last one out. Just like tonight. Hardest working woman I've ever met. For what it's worth, Prue, I know you didn't take it. I mean, of all people, there's no way. Prue: Thanks. (Hymie walks away.) Hannah's computer. (She walks in Hannah's office and sits at the desk. She types in Hannah's name and searches for it. It says 'no listing'. She types in Rex's name and 'no listing' comes up. Rex astral projects behind her.) Rex: Someone's after you. Behind you. (Prue looks behind her.) You fear it's a warlock. With power greater than yours. (Prue runs out of the office.) [Cut to Hymie. He's in the warehouse.] [Cut back to Prue. She presses the elevator button. Rex astral projects next to her.] Rex: You hear a scream. An innocent to protect in the warehouse. Prue: Hymie. Rex: You're to grab the artifact just inside the door. (She runs to the warehouse.) [Cut to the warehouse. Hannah hits Hymie over the head with an artifact. He falls to the ground. She throws the security tape and the artifact that she's holding on the ground and walks away. Prue comes in and picks up the artifact. She sees Hymie.] Prue: Hymie. Hymie. (Phoebe runs in.) Phoebe: Prue? Prue: Phoebe. Phoebe: Thank God you're all right. Prue: He's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Warehouse. Police are there.] Morris: Tape found by the body. Security. Showing Prue exiting the vault, putting the missing tiara in her briefcase. Prue: What? That can't be. Morris: I just saw it for myself. Prue (to Phoebe) Somebody must have manipulated me into taking it. Phoebe: The same away someone manipulated me into being a witness against my own sister. Morris (to Andy) Any idea what they're talking about? Andy: Not a clue. Prue: You were with Rex tonight, weren't you? Phoebe: Yeah, Prue, but I don't think this is the time or place to get into that. Prue: No, I just meant that don't you find it a little coincidental that right when you guys start dating, all this is going on? Phoebe: No, I do not. And, besides, I thought you thought that Hannah was behind all this. Prue: I do. Morris: Excuse me. Ladies, do you mind if we ask a few questions? Prue: I already told you what happened, okay? I-I-I was working late, I heard a noise, I came down and I found Hymie. Andy: You didn't know he had the tape? Prue: No, of course not. Andy: And why exactly did you pick up the murder weapon again? Phoebe: You think she killed him. Is that it, Andy? Prue: Phoebe! Phoebe: No, I want to know how far he's gonna go with this and none of this has anything to do with the fact that she dumped you, does it? Prue: Stop that Andy: Look, we got Prue standing over the dead body of the very security guard who last saw her with the tiara. Morris: With the missing security tape showing her taking it. Andy: And holding the murder weapon which you were there to witness. What are we supposed to think? Prue: That I'm guilty as hell. Phoebe: You know she didn't do this. Morris: Then who did? Did you see anybody run past you on the way here? Phoebe: No. Andy: I'm sorry, Prue. Brian. Brian: Yeah? Andy: You're under arrest for suspicion of murder. (Brian puts handcuffs on Prue.) [Scene: Rex's apartment. Piper and Phoebe walk up to the door.] Piper: We should hire a lawyer. Phoebe: With what money? Piper: I don't know but we can't let her sit in jail all night. Phoebe: That's why we're here. To get Rex's help. (Phoebe rings the bell and knocks on the door.) Piper: What are you doing? (Phoebe opens the door and sees the empty, dark apartment.) Phoebe: This is so weird. Piper: Are you sure this is the right place? (Phoebe picks her lipstick off the floor.) Phoebe: This is my lipstick, I'm positive. He couldn't have moved out that fast. It must have been an illusion, all of it. Even my premonition. Piper: How is that possible? Phoebe: Mind control, astral projection, throwing charms, who knows? Prue is right about Rex, which means, I'm dating a warlock. Piper: Been there, done that. [Scene: Police station. Prue's pacing in her jail cell and a guy in the cell next to her is making kissing noises. Prue uses her power and throws him up against the wall.] [Cut to in the station.] Morris: Hey. Andy: Hey. Morris: You wanna talk? Andy: I'm just running background checks on all the other employees at the auction house. Morris: That's not what I meant, Andy. Andy: Andy? Did you just call me by my first name? I wasn't even sure you knew it. Morris: I heard Prue say it. Andy: She didn't do it, Morris. Morris: You keep saying that. Andy: It's too pat, too easy. The evidence just keeps falling in our laps. Morris: Maybe her sister was right. Maybe your personal feelings are getting in the way. Andy: We've had that conversation okay. Morris: Okay. But you have to admit. You stopped seeing Prue for a reason, you thought she was hiding something from you. How do you know she wasn't hiding something like this? Andy: A secret life of crime, I don't think so. Morris: You got a better explanation? You wanna book her into county jail? Andy: No, let's just keep her here for as long as we can. At least until the arraignment. [Scene: Manor. Piper comes down the stairs holding the tiara.] Phoebe: Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Getting rid of the evidence. They can't bust Prue for murder if they don't have a motive. Phoebe: Mouth, Leo's in the kitchen. Piper: Oh, he is? Really? Phoebe: Focus and think. The last thing we have to worry about is the legal system. We're up against a warlock now. Piper: Two, if Prue's right about Hannah. Phoebe: Exactly, which means we have to figure out what they want. It can't just be to frame Prue. Piper: Unless is doing so, somehow they think they can't get her powers, which is what warlocks want. Phoebe: Which means they're trying to divide us so that we don't have the power of three to stop them. Piper: What are we gonna do? Phoebe: We have no choice. (Phoebe hides the tiara in a closet. As she walks past the couch, you see Rex has astral projected into their house and is sitting on the couch.) Let's go. Piper: Go? Go where? Phoebe? Phoebe: Piper, it's gonna be all right. [Cut to the police station. Piper and Phoebe are around the back.] Piper: This is crazy. Phoebe: We have to get Prue out before Rex makes his move on us. Piper: But we can't break her out. Phoebe: Yes, we can. We're witches. All you have to do is freeze the guards and then unlock Prue's cell. Piper: Me? What about you? Phoebe: Somebody's gotta to stay out here in case something goes wrong. Ready? On three. Piper: No Phoebe. Phoebe: Three. (Phoebe opens the door and you see a guard standing there. Piper freezes him. Piper: Aaah. (Piper walks inside and Phoebe closes the door.) Phoebe: Totally cool power. I hate you. [Cut to inside. Piper gets the keys from a frozen guard.] Prue: What are you doing? (Piper unlocks the gate and walks over to Prue's cell.) Are you out of your mind? Piper: Just so we're clear. This was Phoebe's idea. (Piper unlocks Prue's cell.) Prue: What? Piper: We think Rex is a warlock and he's after our powers. Phoebe's waiting outside for you to rub her nose in it. (Prue stands there.) Well, come on, Prue. Before they unfreeze. Prue: Piper this isn't right. Piper: Well, neither is the gas chamber. Look if we're lucky we'll vanquish them and still get you back here by morning rounds. (Prue puts pillows under the blankets on the bed to make it look like she's still there.) That's pretty lame. Prue: Well, you got a better idea? Piper: No. Prue: Let's go. (Prue walks out of the cell and closes the cell door. They walk past a guard holding a donut. Prue takes it.) Piper: Don't touch him. Don't touch him. Don't. Prue: Come on. (They run outside.) Come on. (They start running and you see a camera flash. Rex has taken a picture.) Rex: Quite photogenic. Now I should think the police will find this very interesting, to say the least. Prue: Rex. Phoebe: Wait, how did you know that we... Rex: What, that you'd be here? Well, let's just say that I've been watching your every move. Without you knowing it, of course. Prue: You b*st*rd. Rex: Don't get too angry, Prue. You wouldn't want to injure me with your power. I'm the only chance you have. While you were here, conducting your little prison break, Hannah was retrieving the tiara from your home. You should have gotten to rid it while you had the chance. Personally, I actually thought that was an excellent idea. Phoebe: Astral projection. Prue: What do you want? Rex: Your powers, of course. That's why I hired you in the first place, you know, to see if you really were the charmed ones. Then I waited to test your strength, see how best to make my move, and here we are. Phoebe: But why all the drama? Why didn't you just kill us and take our powers? Piper: Don't give him any ideas. Rex: No no no. I have seen exactly what you can do when you're been confronted directly. That's why I opted for blackmail. See, there is a special spell in the book of shadows that strips you of your powers forever. (He shows them the device that looks like a lantern.) And this device will capture those powers. Then you'll bring them to me. Prue: Go to hell. Rex: Yeah, I'd love to, darling. I miss it terribly. And this will help me return with honors. In return, I'll give you the photo and tell the police I simply misplaced the tiara. No theft, no motive for murder, no prison. You really don't have much time. Just until the prisons guards realize you've escaped. Well? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. They have the Book Of Shadows opened up to the spell.] Piper: It's a Relinquishment spell. If we read it aloud, it takes away all of our powers. Phoebe: Is there any way to reverse it? Piper: I don't know. It doesn't say. Phoebe: Well, then I say we flip to another page and find a spell that kicks Rex's warlock ass. Prue: We can't. Phoebe: Why can't we? Prue: Because for all we know he's here, right now, watching us. And if we don't do exactly as he says, he'll tell to police I've escaped. Phoebe: But we can't give up our powers without a fight. It's like giving up who we are, who we've become. Piper: Who we've come from. Phoebe: Exactly. These powers are gifts. Gifts that were given to us to protect and ultimately to pass on to the next generation. Prue: Don't you think that I know that? I mean, how do you think I feel, Phoebe? I'm the one who got us into this situation. Piper: Prue, it's not your fault. Phoebe: It's not. Prue: Yeah, but I'm the one that the Rex tricked. I'm the reason why we're having this conversation. Phoebe: There has gotta to be a way out of this. Piper: Like what? Become fugitives? Something tells me that's not the best way to go about protecting the innocent. Phoebe: Yeah, well, we can't protect the innocent without our powers. And, even worse, if we give them up, we'd be giving them up to evil. Prue: No, we can't let that happen. Piper: Well, we can't let you die in jail, either. Besides, with you behind bars, we'll be divided. Rex wins either way. Phoebe: I don't wanna have to do this. Piper: Neither do I, but we don't have a choice. All we can do is take the leap of faith and hope that somehow it all works out. (You see Leo listening from the other room.) [Cut to the attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting around a table with the book in the middle.] Prue: “From whence they came, return them now, vanish the words, vanish our powers.” Piper: “From whence they came, return them now, vanish the words, vanish our powers.” (Phoebe hesitates.) Come on, Phoebe. Phoebe: Okay. “From whence they came, return them now, vanish the words, vanish our powers.” (You hear a chime and it gets really windy. All the words out of the Book disappear into the device.) Phoebe: (Phoebe flips through the Book. The pages are blank.) Look. It was fun while it lasted. Piper: Yep. Prue: Let's get this over with. [Scene: Bucklands. Rex's office. Rex and Hannah are there.] Rex: They're coming. Hannah: Good. (Hannah gets on the floor and she turns into a panther.) Rex: Love you too, darling. [Scene: Police station. Andy's on the computer. He types in Hannah's name and the photo that shows up is an African-American woman.] Andy: Why Hannah, you've changed. Dead 8/20/98. (He types in Rex's name. An elderly man shows up.) Died 8/20/98. (He picks up the phone and calls Morris.) Mr. Morris, Trudeau. Get your butt over here, I think I figured out who framed Prue. [Cut to Bucklands. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk out of the elevator.] Phoebe: Ok, I say as soon as we get the photo and the tiara back, we knock the lantern out of Rex's hands and stomp on it. Prue: What will that do? Phoebe: I don't know. Free our powers? It's better than doing anything. Piper: How do we know this isn't just a trap? (Rex comes out of his office.) Rex: You don't, actually. Nevertheless, here you are. Powerless, I presume. Prue: Where's Hannah? Rex: Lurking. That's what she does best. The lantern, if you please. (Prue hands him the lantern.) It all feels a little anticlimactic, don't you think? Too easy, almost. It feels as if we need a more satisfying ending. (Hannah comes out of the office as a panther.) Phoebe: Oh, oh. [Cut to the attic. Leo walks in and goes over to the Book Of Shadows. He holds his hands above it, light comes out of them and all the writing appears back on the pages.] [Cut back to Bucklands. Their power starts floating out of the lantern.] Rex: No. Hannah, now. Quickly. (The panther jumps up in the air towards Prue, Piper and Phoebe and Piper freezes it.) Phoebe: Wait. We have our powers back? Piper: How? Prue: Doesn't matter. Get outta here. Fast. (They get out of the way and Prue moves Rex underneath Hannah. Hannah unfreezes and lands on Rex and starts attacking him. Hannah turns back into a human.) Hannah: Rex, no. (to Prue, Piper and Phoebe.) What have you done? (Rex and Hannah start disappearing.) Wait, it wasn't my fault. I didn't fail. He did. No, please, no. (They burn and disappear.) Piper: What the hell was that? Phoebe: I think you just answered your own question. Prue: Okay, we gotta get me back to jail now. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. Andy and Morris are at the jail cells.] Andy: (to the guard) Prue Halliwell. (The guard opens the cell.) Thanks. (They walk over to Prue.) Prue? (Prue's asleep in the bed. She wakes up.) Prue: Andy? What is it? What's going on? Andy: Just thought you'd like to know you're off the hook. Morris: Turns out you were right. Rex and Hannah were setting you up, or whoever they were. Prue: I don't understand. Andy: Well, we think they killed two people, assumed their identities, and took over the auction house. Then they bilked it dry and tried to cap it off with stealing the tiara. Morris: Which we found hidden in his office. Prue: Wow, did you catch them? Andy: Not yet. I don't suppose you have any idea what this was doing in his office, do you? (Andy shows her the photo that Rex took.) Prue: Quite photogenic. Andy: Isn't it? [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are looking through the Book Of Shadows.] Piper: Spells, incantations, demons stuff. It's all here. Everything just like before. Phoebe: Thank God. Prue: But how? I mean, we certainly didn't reverse the spell. Phoebe: Maybe we screwed it up. Prue and Piper look at her.) What? It's not like it would be the first time. Prue: No, we didn't screw it up. Something or someone must have done it. It couldn't happened on its own. Piper: Why not? It's magic. (Leo enters the attic.) Leo: Knock knock. Piper: Leo. Leo: The front door was open. I hope it's all right. I left my tool box. Piper: That's funny. I don't remember that being there last night. Leo: Yeah, well, you know what Freud always said about leaving things. Piper: That you secretly wanted to come back for it. Leo: Guilty. Prue: Oh, don't use that word. Phoebe: Uh, it's a long story. Never mind. (Phoebe and Prue walks away.) Piper: Leo, you're leaving, aren't you? Leo: Yeah, afraid so. Piper: Do you really have to go? Leo: Well, I've fixed everything I came here to fix. But I'll be back. Promise. (Leo kisses Piper and Prue and Phoebe watch.) Nothing can keep me away from you too long. (Leo grabs his toolbox and leaves.) Piper: Well, at least he wasn't a warlock. Phoebe: Hey, you don't suppose Leo was the, uh... (Prue rips the relinquishment spell out of the Book.) What are you doing? Prue: Just getting rid the Relinquishment spell. Now we've got our powers back I certainly I don't want to risk losing them again. Piper: I second that. Phoebe: Third. Prue: So, witches forever? Phoebe: And Damn proud of it. (Piper lights a match and burns the page.)

Plan: A: Rex; Q: Who uses astral projection to control Prue's mind? A: the auction house; Q: Where does Prue steal the tiara from? A: jail; Q: Where does Prue end up? A: Leo; Q: Who returns the sisters' powers to them? A: Prue, Piper and Phoebe; Q: Who defeats Rex and Hannah? A: their failure; Q: Rex and Hannah are vanquished by evil forces for what? Summary: Rex uses astral projection to control Prue's mind, tricking her into stealing a tiara from a vault in the auction house. Prue ends up in jail. Rex blackmails the sisters into giving up their powers to him, but Leo, revealing himself as some kind of supernatural protector of the sisters, returns their powers to them. Now fully empowered, Prue, Piper and Phoebe defeat Rex and Hannah who are vanquished by evil forces for their failure.

THE STONES OF BLOOD BY: DAVID FISHER Part Two Running time: 23:53 [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Help! Help! [SCENE_BREAK] DE VRIES: Bind him to the stone. MARTHA: Leonard, I don't like this. DE VRIES: It is the will of the Cailleach. MARTHA: It's murder! DE VRIES: We cannot question the will of the Goddess. MARTHA: Leonard, think. Think what you're doing. DE VRIES: The Cailleach demands blood. MARTHA: She's never demanded a human sacrifice before. DE VRIES: I dare not oppose her will. I dare not. MARTHA: If it's her will, where is she? Why isn't she here? DE VRIES: She will come. MARTHA: Leonard, this man may be missed. He must have friends. Surely, if they inform the police DE VRIES: The Cailleach will have foreseen everything. We must have faith. She will come. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Help! Help me, somebody! Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello. I hope that knife's been properly sterilised. DE VRIES: Blasphemer. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. You can catch all sorts of things off a dirty knife, you know. Lockjaw, tetanus, not to mentions staphylococcal infections MARTHA: I'm not going to be a party to this. DOCTOR: Good for you. DE VRIES: Then don't be. DOCTOR: Hold it. Does your Cailleach ride a bicycle? DE VRIES: Bicycle? DOCTOR: Yes. DE VRIES: You'll die with blasphemy on your lips. DOCTOR: It's just that I can see a bicycle approaching, unless I'm very much mistaken. Over here! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Help! Over here! EMILIA: Hang on! I'm coming! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Phew. EMILIA: Good grief, man. What are you doing? You'll catch your death of cold. DOCTOR: Well, you know how it is, Professor. I often get tied up in my job. DOCTOR: Careful. EMILIA: Who were those people? They looked as if they were going to cut your throat. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. Well, I don't think they'd quite made up their minds, but that was definitely one of their options. Why have you come back? EMILIA: I came back to give Romana a flask of tea. Knowing how irresponsible men are, I thought she'd still be waiting for you. DOCTOR: But I thought she was with you. EMILIA: No, she stayed behind to wait for you. DOCTOR: What? Then where is she? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Help! Help! Is anybody there? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Romana! Romana! Nothing. EMILIA: I don't want to be alarmist, but if she's lost on the moor, there are several old mine workings. EMILIA: It can be very dangerous in the dark. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. Ro! Look. EMILIA: Oh, her shoes. DOCTOR: Yes. Romana! EMILIA: Well, the only thing we can do is to organise a search party in the morning. Of course, if we had a dog DOCTOR: Dog! Professor Rumford. May I call you Emilia? Emilia, you're a genius. EMILIA: You have a dog? DOCTOR: Have I got a dog. EMILIA: Oh, that's one of those high frequency whistles, isn't it. DOCTOR: Yeah, something like that. Come on, K9. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Look, I'll try and meet him halfway. You stay here in case Romana comes back. EMILIA: Yes, of course. Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? EMILIA: It's getting rather exciting, isn't it? DOCTOR: What? Yes, yes, of course. Let's hope it doesn't get too exciting, eh? [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master. DOCTOR: Shush. What? K9, why don't you bark or something? K9: I'm not programmed to bark, master. DOCTOR: Yes, well, listen, never mind about that. I've got a job for you. Now, you've always wanted to be a bloodhound K9: Negative, master. DOCTOR: Yes, you have. Yes, you have. K9: Negative. DOCTOR: Shush. Now here's your chance. Find Romana. K9: Programme achievable, master. The mistress' scent, blood, tissue type and alpha wave patterns are all recorded in my databanks. DOCTOR: Don't just talk about it, K9, do it. Do it! K9: Getting direction, master. I have the direction, master. DOCTOR: Good dog. Good dog. Well, go. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Mistress? ROMANA: Oh, K9, I am pleased to hear you. K9: Fear is unnecessary, mistress. We shall rescue you. The Doctor master is with me. ROMANA: Oh, no! DOCTOR (OOV.): Romana, where are you? ROMANA: Keep away! DOCTOR: What? What are you talking about? ROMANA: K9, watch him. DOCTOR: Stop messing about down there. Here, catch hold of this. ROMANA: Oh no, I'm not giving you a second chance. DOCTOR: Stop messing around down there. Come on, come on. DOCTOR: Come on. ROMANA: You pushed me over the edge. DOCTOR: Me? Never. Come on. Come on. ROMANA: Get away from me! DOCTOR: What's the matter? ROMANA: Who are you? DOCTOR: What? You know very well who I. K9, who am I? Well, go on, K9. Tell her who I am. K9? K9: Cross checking. You are the Doctor master. DOCTOR: There you are. I'm the Doctor. ROMANA: Well if you didn't push me over this cliff, then who did? And believe me, it was no projection. You were solid. Well, it was solid. DOCTOR: What, it looked exactly like me? ROMANA: The image of you. Doctor, the third segment. DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: The power to transform objects, or at least their appearance. DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: Somebody's got it, and they've found a way of utilising its powers. DOCTOR: Right. ROMANA: Well, so what do we do? DOCTOR: Get you a decent pair of shoes. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Better? ROMANA: Yes, thanks. DOCTOR: Still got the tracer. ROMANA: Of course. DOCTOR: Good. I want you to check the stone circle again. ROMANA: What do you think I was doing before you pushed me over the. All right. There was no trace, I promise you. DOCTOR: Well, it's got to be somewhere. ROMANA: Well, it can't be there. DOCTOR: Well, of course it can. How's your interspatial geometry? ROMANA: Well, pretty rusty, but I still don't see how that explains DOCTOR: Good. Come on, let's go then. ROMANA: Do you understand, K9? I mean, how can a thing be in one place and yet not be in that place? ROMANA: If you mean you don't know, why don't you just say so. [SCENE_BREAK] VIVIEN: Oh, Emilia, don't blame yourself. EMILIA: Oh, I shouldn't have let him go off on his own. I shouldn't have let him go at all. He doesn't know the moor. I should have gone myself. VIVIEN: Someone had to stay here in case the girl came back. EMILIA: And it should have been the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Try the tracer again. Now. ROMANA: Yes. Definitely positive. DOCTOR: Yes, that's what I thought. [SCENE_BREAK] VIVIEN: I'm sure the Doctor's perfectly capable of looking after himself. ROMANA: I'm not sure I'd entirely agree with that remark. EMILIA: Oh! Thank heavens. You're safe. Doctor, she's safe. Good.. what's that? DOCTOR: This is my dog. He's called K9. EMILIA: But he's mechanical! K9: Affirmative. EMILIA: But isn't that rather DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. They're all the rage in Trenton, New Jersey. EMILIA: Oh, really? DOCTOR: Yes. EMILIA: Do you have to have a licence? DOCTOR: No. K9: Negative. VIVIEN: What's that? DOCTOR: Oh, that's just a little gadget. ROMANA: Doctor, it's here. It's definitely here. VIVIEN: What is? DOCTOR: Here somewhere. ROMANA: I still don't understand. DOCTOR: I think I'm beginning to. Professor Rumford, er, Emilia? Come over here. DOCTOR: You've done a lot of research on the circle, haven't you? EMILIA: Oh, naturally. DOCTOR: Legends, folklore, history? EMILIA: Nobody's ever had to question the quality of my research. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Where do you keep your notes? EMILIA: Oh, back at Miss Fay's cottage. DOCTOR: Would you show them to Romana? EMILIA: Oh, I'd be delighted. DOCTOR: Good. ROMANA: Where are you going, Doctor? DOCTOR: I'm going to see Mister De Vries. ROMANA: What, after what he did to you? DOCTOR: Because of what he did to me. I think that Mister De Vries is a very worried man, and worried men often sing worried songs. Come along, K9. EMILIA: Come on, girls. Back to the cottage. I've got lots of research to show you. Hop on the back. ROMANA: Er, do you mind if I just walked? EMILIA: Oh, nonsense. You may find it rather hard. VIVIEN: It'll be a new experience for you. No need to be afraid. [SCENE_BREAK] DE VRIES: Where's the bird? Where's the raven? MARTHA: It was here. Perhaps DE VRIES: It's gone! Too late! Cailleach, great Goddess, have mercy! MARTHA: What's that? DE VRIES: Too late! DE VRIES: Get out of here, Martha. As fast as you can. Quick! MARTHA: Leonard, I'm not going to leave you. DE VRIES: Go! [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Danger, master, danger. DOCTOR: What? K9: Unidentified aliens. DOCTOR: Come on, K9. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Dead. Skull smashed to pulp. So much for serving the Cailleach. K9: Master. DOCTOR: What? K9: That is silicon, master. DOCTOR: I wonder where that came from? K9: From whatever attacked those two humans. There is a trail. It leads through here. DOCTOR: Steady, K9. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Shush. DOCTOR: Seems all clear, K9. K9: Master? DOCTOR: Stone. K9? DOCTOR: K9? [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Here you are, my girl. ROMANA: Oh, thank you. EMILIA: Vivien is making some sausage sandwiches. Nothing like sausage sandwiches when you're working something out. Well now, any problems with the notes? ROMANA: No, no, they're very full. Er, you say here that you've identified the Nine Travellers, our stone circle, as one of the three gorsedds of prophecy. What's a gorsedd? EMILIA: Old Welsh. A gorsedd is a place of augurs, people who foretell the future. ROMANA: Ah. EMILIA: There's an ancient Welsh triad that says, it's a three line poem, umpity, bumpity. Oh, you'll find them in the notes. VIVIEN: The three gorsedds in the island of Britain are the gorsedd of Salisbury in England. EMILIA: And that's Stonehenge, of course. ROMANA: Thank you. VIVIEN: The gorsedd of Bryn Gwyddon in Wales, and the gorsedd of Boscombe Moor in Damnonium. EMILIA: And that's our Nine Travellers. ROMANA: Yes, but why should this particular circle become a place of prophecy, of augury? You say yourself that there are a dozen or more stone circles in this part of the country. EMILIA: If I knew that I'd be professor of megalithic archaeology at Bangor instead of that fool, Idwal Morgan. ROMANA: Er, there is one thing which does strike me as rather curious. Well, until recently, the land the circle stands on has always been owned by a woman. Haven't you noticed? Lady Montcalm, Senora Camara, Mrs Trefusis. And if you go further back, right in the Middle Ages, it came under the control of the Mother Superior of the Convent of the Little Sisters of Saint Gudula. VIVIEN: What does that prove? Lots of convents and monasteries owned enormous areas of land in the Middle Ages. ROMANA: Yes, but here it was women. All women. VIVIEN: What are you suggesting, Romana? Some kind of sisterhood that's been worshipping these stones for, when was the convent founded? Twelfth century, wasn't it? For seven hundred odd years? That's a little bit hard to believe, isn't it? ROMANA: What other explanation is there? VIVIEN: What about Mister De Vries? He doesn't quite qualify as a head of a sisterhood. ROMANA: Well maybe he's not really the head. This convent, does it still exist? EMILIA: Oh, good heavens, no. And it was a man who saw to that, Henry the Eighth. It went the way of all flesh with the dissolution of the monasteries. ROMANA: What about the convent records? VIVIEN: Oh, I should think they were destroyed. EMILIA: Some of them could still be at the hall. ROMANA: The hall? What hall? EMILIA: Mister De Vries' house. It was built in 1572 on the old site of the convent. ROMANA: Well, let's go and take a look. What are we waiting for? EMILIA: Oh, good girl! That's the spirit. No time like the present. Get my bike, Vivien. ROMANA: Er. VIVIEN: Romana can borrow mine. You won't be needing me with you, will you? EMILIA: No. Keep a good fire burning in case the Doctor comes back. Ah, here we are. ROMANA: What's that? VIVIEN: A policeman's truncheon. Last year when she went to lecture in New York, she took it with her in case she got mugged. ROMANA: And did she get mugged? VIVIEN: No. She got arrested for carrying an offensive weapon. EMILIA (OOV.): Come along, Romana. Tally-ho! [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Great Scott! What's happened? Who can have done this? ROMANA: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Shush. ROMANA: Oh, K9, what have they done to you? EMILIA: Oh, poor little fellow. Is he badly hurt? DOCTOR: I'll know in a moment. K9: (feeble) I did my best, master, but it was so strong. DOCTOR: What was it? K9: Silicon based, globulin deficient. DOCTOR: What? K9: Too strong. DOCTOR: Globulin deficient. ROMANA: Is he all right? DOCTOR: His entire circuit's nearly all burnt out. ROMANA: Yes, but is it repairable? K9: Initial damage report suggests not, mistress. Advise cannibalisation of reusable parts. DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, K9, nonsense. We're not going to turn you into scrap yet, are we, Romana? ROMANA: What can we do? DOCTOR: His only chance is an entire circuit regeneration. How can we do that in time to save him? It might be kinder to remove the cerebral core now. ROMANA: Oh no. If we remove the cerebral core, he's finished. DOCTOR: What can we do? ROMANA: A molecular stabiliser. DOCTOR: What? ROMANA: Is the TARDIS fitted with a molecular stabiliser? DOCTOR: Yes, of course it was. All Type Forty's were. ROMANA: I thought so. We had a lecture once at the Academy. If I link up the molecular stabiliser to the circuit frequency modulator DOCTOR: Brilliant! ROMANA: You really think so? DOCTOR: What? Well, I mean, it's quite ingenious. Anyway, it's worth a try. ROMANA: Anything's worth a try. Look at him, he's on his last legs. DOCTOR: Right. You get him back to the TARDIS and connect him up. I'll stay here with the Professor and look for those bodies. ROMANA: Right. EMILIA: Bodies? What bodies? DOCTOR: De Vries and the woman. They've been killed by that creature. You heard what K9 said. EMILIA: Creature? DOCTOR: It's globulin deficient. EMILIA: Globulin? What's globulin? DOCTOR: It's a protein found in blood plasma. The creature that kills them lives on blood. [SCENE_BREAK] CAILLEACH: Ogri, Ogri, you shall do my bidding. Do you hear, Ogri? Do you hear? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Anything? EMILIA: Nothing prior to 1700. You? DOCTOR: Nothing. I've searched the whole house. Completely empty. No secret passages, no hidden rooms, nothing. It's got to be here, though. EMILIA: What has? DOCTOR: Well, the Cailleach. EMILIA: Oh, the witch hag? DOCTOR: Yes. EMILIA: It's only a legend. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. And so was Troy until dear old Schliemann dug it up. Morrigu, Cerridwen, call her what you like. In four thousand years I expect she's had quite a few names, but where is she? Hmm? No statues, no images, no pictures. Of course! The missing paintings! They must be here somewhere. EMILIA: I don't see why the paintings are so important. DOCTOR: What? Then why have they been hidden? Tell me that. Why have they been hidden? Beware of the birds, he said. The raven and the crow. The raven and the crow. Birds! EMILIA: Where? What? DOCTOR: Phew. EMILIA: Oh, jumping Joshua. A priest hole. DOCTOR: Well, certainly. The place is old enough. Come on! EMILIA: Wait for me, Doctor! DOCTOR (OOV.): Now mind these stairs. (bump.) [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Look. Lady Montcalm, painted by Allan Ramsay. EMILIA: Good grief, I don't believe it. DOCTOR: Lady Montcalm, Senora Camara, Mrs Trefusis. EMILIA: I know that face. DOCTOR: So you should. It's your friend, Miss Fay. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Oh, you scared the life out of me. VIVIEN: Did I? I'm so sorry. ROMANA: Look. VIVIEN: Oh, is there something going on in the circle? Strange. Let's take a look, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Vivien, what are you doing? You're hurting me. VIVIEN: Hurry! ROMANA: What's going on? ROMANA: What are you doing?

Plan: A: Romana; Q: Who is hanging on the side of a cliff? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is captured by the Druid pagan worshipers? A: a search; Q: What do the Doctor and the Professor go on for Romana? A: her shoes; Q: What do the Doctor and the Professor find after Romana is captured? Summary: Romana ends up hanging on the side of a cliff while the Doctor is captured by Druid pagan worshipers. The Doctor and the Professor then go on a search for Romana after finding her shoes.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] ATTORNEY: Thank you, Ms. Davis. As of this moment, your ownership is terminated, and you are no longer affiliated with the Clothes Over Bros brand. MOUTH: You have a rock star and a famous actress fighting over you, and you're not sure you want to be with either one? CHASE: They both kind of screwed me up. MOUTH: So maybe you should move on. SYLVIA: Trick or treat! BROOKE: Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? SYLVIA: Is my son here? JULIAN: Mom? BROOKE: Oh, please, God, no. MOUTH: Millie, you ready to go? MILLICENT: I found a ride. MOUTH: You're going home with Spartacus? MILLICENT: Just playing by your rules. CLAY: You're gonna be great at this. Troy must agree with me because he wants you to be his Agent. Congratulations, you signed your first client. CLAY: I think you should take that photo assignment, the one in South Africa. QUINN: Why? CLAY: Because this will save you. This won't. QUINN: I'll go. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley prepares the table for Thanksgiving. HALEY(Voice-over): Dear Lucas, I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving. Remember the time we shared the wishbone? You got the bigger side, but you let me make the wish. That day, I wished that we'd always find the good in our lives. I'm pretty sure that can come true whenever we want it to. So, I'm gonna make today about the good, because there's so much of it. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke cooks. JULIAN: Ooh, Brooke Davis in the kitchen. Is it wrong that I'm getting turned on? BROOKE: A little bit. I'm trying to be domestic. JULIAN: Domestic Brooke is cute. BROOKE: Hang on. JULIAN: What's this? BROOKE: Apple crisp. Mm-hmm! (Sylvia comes in) SYLVIA: Good morning, pilgrims. Guess what, Julian. I got the ingredients for your favorite -- the Fluffy salad. JULIAN: Yes! SYLVIA: Yes. Oh. Is that an apple peel? BROOKE: It's rustic. SYLVIA: Oh. It's interesting. Hope no one chokes. BROOKE: It says three pounds apples. JULIAN: Peeled. Uh-huh. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan, clay and Jamie play football in the garden. NATHAN: All right. CLAY: Nate. Jame, go long. Go! Oop. No, not that long. You should probably throw this. NATHAN: Nice. CLAY: So, we should probably make this Agent thing official. NATHAN: I thought we already did that with Troy. CLAY: Sort of, you know, but you got to take the test to get certified. It's a piece of cake. NATHAN: Okay. CLAY: Just get me your college transcripts, and I'll set it all up. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth watch the TV, Skills cooks. MOUTH: Remember when we took that road trip to New York so I could get Millie back? SKILLS: Dude, really? Pink charlene, baby. This will change your life. MOUTH: Millie loves parades. SKILLS: Dawg, seriously, no more talk about Millie, okay? Now, look, man, it's Thanksgiving, bro. I ordered us a nice organic, farm-fresh turkey, and we about to get our eat on. (Somebody knocks on door) SKILLS: Ooh, you hear that? Turkey time! I'll be back. (He opens, it's Millicent) SKILLS: Oh, damn. I thought you was the turkey. MILLICENT: Oh. Gobble, gobble. Yeah. I won't ever do that again. MOUTH: Millie, hi. Happy Thanksgiving. Uh, the parade's on. I'm watching it. MILLICENT: Hi, Marvin. Um, I thought you might be watching. I didn't want to watch it alone. It felt sad. MOUTH: I thought you might be spending the day with that gladiator guy. MILLICENT: From Halloween? Ew. No. That pretty much ended when he asked me to polish his sword. MOUTH: Oh. MILLICENT: Yeah. Gross. It kind of seems like you were a little jealous. MOUTH: No. Well, maybe. Okay, a lot. NALEY'S HOUSE Guys join Haley in the kitchen. JAMIE: Whoa. That is a lot of food. NATHAN: Seriously, Haley, it's just the four of us. Well, four and a half, counting the baby. HALEY: Five and a half, actually. I invited Erin. And people always show up. You know that. CLAY: Hey, I'll be happy for leftovers. I cannot handle any more canned food. HALEY: Get out of there. JAMIE: Hey, don't forget to save the wishbone for me. HALEY: I won't. Go. CLAY: Yes. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke prepares lunch. BROOKE: Okay, "in large saucepan, place parsley, carrots, celery, black pepper." Okay, 10 cups water -- did that. Neck and giblets. Oh, my God. Gross. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Ugh! (Smoke detector beeping) BROOKE: Julian! Julian! (Julian comes in) JULIAN: What... what happened? BROOKE: I don't know, but make it stop. JULIAN: Oh, God! I'm blind! BROOKE: Oh, my God! What is it? What is it? What? (Sylvia comes in too) SYLVIA: All right, I got, I got it, I got it, I got it. BROOKE: No. No! SYLVIA: I got it, I got it, I got it. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. I got it. (Beeping stops but the turkey is inedible) JULIAN: Maybe we could scrape it off. NALEY'S HOUSE Doorbell rings, Haley opens the door. Brooke, Julian and Sylvia invite themselves. HALEY: Nathan, three more settings at the table. BROOKE: Happy Thanksgiving? MOUTH'S APARTMENT SKILLS: Okay, I got the pink charlene chilling in the fridge. Now it's on to the cheesy potatoes. MILLICENT: What's "pink charlene"? SKILLS: It's basically jello salad. MILLICENT: I love jello salad. SKILLS: Oh, you about to get some jello salad, baby. Plus, we got cheesy potatoes and a sweet, succulent bird. And not to mention, it's farm fresh, by the way. MOUTH: He's very excited about that part. SKILLS: You know, speaking of sweet and succulent, Millie, what's up with you and the gladiator dude? (Timer dings) MILLICENT: Oh, look at that. Saved by the bell. I'm glad Chase gave you the day off. MOUTH: Yeah, me too. He was gonna close the bar, but he decided to leave it open for all the people with nowhere to go. CLUB TRIC Chase is all alone. It takes an old bottle on the counter and glass drinks some. PRISON Victoria leaves prison. POLICEWOMAN: One purse. Assorted jewelry. One replenishing night serum. One super-firming serum. One multi-active youth-recovery cream. VICTORIA: Is it necessary to read every label? POLICEWOMAN: Standard procedure. One cellphone. One tin of breath mints. And $20. Sign here. VICTORIA: I'm gonna miss you. Happy Thanksgiving. ONE TREE HILL - CREDITS MOUTH'S APARTMENT Doorbell rings, Skills is going to open. SKILLS: Be prepared. Farm fresh has arrived. Turkey! [ Laughs ] MOUTH: Is that the turkey? SKILLS: Sort of. MOUTH: Well, it's definitely farm fresh. SKILLS: Not funny. MILLICENT: What are you doing? SKILLS: We eating him. MILLICENT: I am not okay with this. MOUTH: Dude, you can't just kill him. SKILLS: Look, man, how in the hell you think that the turkey you eat ended up on your plate? Now, damn it, it's turkey day, and we eating turkey. MILLICENT: Do you have to call it "turkey day"? SKILLS: Oh. Damn it. NALEY'S HOUSE Doorbell rings, Haley opens the door. Skills, Mouth and Millicent invite themselves. HALEY: Nathan, three more. Sylvia comes to see Brooke and Jamie. SYLVIA: Oh, look how cute. You two are making little... Turkeys. Oh. Oh. JAMIE: You want to make one? SYLVIA: No. But do you know where your mom keeps the wine? JAMIE: Huh. Let me check. SYLVIA: Thanks. Cute. BROOKE: Mm-hmm. SYLVIA: Any word from your mom... Yet today? BROOKE: Oh, no. And I am very thankful. Although I do wonder if they'll be serving turkey in prison. Hmm-hmm. SYLVIA: Well, don't you think it's a good idea to at least wish her a happy holiday? BROOKE: Hmm. Are you serious? No. Um, I think that would be a horrible idea given the awful things that she said to me the last time we spoke. I think I'd likely tell her to choke on a yam or shove a turkey up her... SYLVIA: Wow. BROOKE: Anyway, I'm just really glad to have a drama-free holiday with you guys. SYLVIA: Yeah. I'm gonna go find that wine. CLUB TRIC Chase plays of my music with glasses. NALEY'S HOUSE Clay talks with Nathan. CLAY: I wish Quinn were here. I miss her. NATHAN: Still can't dribble with the left, huh? I thought she was supposed to be back from Africa by now. CLAY: Yeah, she was, but she had to extend a week. She'll be back soon. NAHAN: So, the transcripts that you need... I never graduated. I'm a few credits short. CLAY: How many is a few? NATHAN: Does it matter? CLAY: Yeah, it does. You've got to have a college degree to do this, and you're clearly good at it, so I think you should go get those credits. Girls discuss between them. BROOKE: Hey, thanks again for letting us come. I don't know how I managed to set a turkey on fire. HALEY: I don't know, either. At least it wasn't a piano. BROOKE: True. Hey, is it okay if Alex joins? She was supposed to come to our house, and... HALEY: Um... Normally I would say yes, but Mia called and she said she's coming over. And I just think that might be kind of awkward for the both of them, you know? BROOKE: Right. And if I already invited her? Doorbell rings, Mia and Alex arrive together. Then, it is with the turn of Erin. HALEY: Jello salad? ERIN: I hear it's a popular dish in the states. HALEY: Very. I'm glad you could make it. Come in. Guys play out. JULIAN: That's 20. Yeah, baby. Bro, you are an NBA star, and I'm kicking your ass. NATHAN: Dude, it's cornhole. Relax. JULIAN: Just sayin'. NATHAN: Really? CLAY: I got shot. What do you expect? NATHAN: Right here. SKILLS: Man, it is some fine ladies in the Scott house today. NATHAN: You must've met Erin. She's cute, huh? SKILLS: Yeah, but I'm talking about Sylvia. JULIAN: Dude, that's my mom. SKILLS: Yes. Delicious. JULIAN: Yeah -- is he serious? NATHAN: Trust me. He's serious. SKILLS: Sylvia. Jamie talks with Erin. JAMIE: Say "cornucopia." ERIN: Cornucopia. JAMIE: Say "stuffing." ERIN: Stuffing. JAMIE: Your accent is so cool. ERIN: Yours too. JAMIE: I don't have one. ERIN: Sure you do. JAMIE: Why aren't you with your parents for Thanksgiving? ERIN: We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Ireland. JAMIE: Do you celebrate Christmas? ERIN: Yep. JAMIE: Will you be with your parents then? ERIN: Well, I don't talk to my mom and dad so much. JAMIE: 'Cause they live in Ireland? ERIN: Sort of. We really don't get along very well. JAMIE: 'Cause you had a fight? ERIN: Yeah. We had a fight. JAMIE: Say... "Turducken." ERIN: Turducken. Alex joins Millie. ALEX: Hey, bitch. I've missed you. MILLICENT: Me too. Tell me Hollywood-y stories and let me live vicariously. ALEX: Ugh! You mean boring stories? Work, diet, work, diet, think about Chase... Think about Chase some more. MILLICENT: Hmm. I was hoping for glamorous. ALEX: Yeah, not so much. Okay, your turn. Indulge me on small-town secrets, especially if they're dirty or about Chase. MILLICENT: I'm boring, too. I have been looking for work, looking for work, looking for work. Oh, and thinking about Marvin. ALEX: You mean hooking up with Marvin? MILLICENT: No, just thinking. I mean, we were hooking up, and then we stopped, and now... ALEX: You're thinking about hooking up with Marvin. MILLICENT: Yeah. I'll be right back. ALEX: Yeah. Millicent comes to see Brooke. MILLICENT: Hey. BROOKE: Hey. MILLICENT: I just want to make sure we're okay, because we haven't talked in a while, and if we're not okay... BROOKE: We're okay. I don't have an issue with you. I have an issue with Victoria, but not with you. MILLICENT: Okay. BROOKE: Besides, it's Thanksgiving, and we have a ton to be thankful for. Not Victoria, obviously, but a lot of other things. Like that carving knife. If Victoria were here, I would be super thankful for it. Jamie makes a surprise at Skills. JAMIE: Boo! Don't worry, Uncle Skills. That one is not farm fresh. I named him "Feathers." SKILLS: Ha ha. Very funny. JAMIE: So... Was the turkey cool? SKILLS: The turkey was not cool. JAMIE: Did it scare you at all? SKILLS: No. JAMIE: Not even a little bit? SKILLS: Man, why you ask so many questions? JAMIE: Well, I know how you felt about Percy the Iguana, so if you need any help, I'm your man. SKILLS: I'm gonna hold you to that, J-Scott. JAMIE: You could give him feathers to keep him company. He's probably lonely on Thanksgiving. SKILLS: Whatever. This thing is ugly. CLUB TRIC Chase plays launching balls in a pot and sometimes happens to put an inside of them. CHASE: Yes! NALEY'S HOUSE Haley joins Nathan in the garden. HALEY: I'm glad I made extra food. NATHAN: You always know. HALEY: So, are you okay? What's going on? NATHAN: Well, Clay says that I need my degree if I want to be an Agent. HALEY: Oh. Okay. Well, you always wanted to finish school. Maybe now's your chance. NATHAN: School was never easy for me, Hales. I barely got by. You know that. HALEY: But you found a way. You always do. You're gonna be fine. NATHAN: Okay. Brooke and Millicent look turkey. Julian shoots. BROOKE: I don't get it. Haley's cooking for a small army, and it looks like a butterball commercial. HALEY: How's my bird? MILLICENT: Just how I like it, dead and cooked. HALEY: Okay, well, I was hoping for golden brown. BROOKE: Your bird is perfect. JULIAN: Brooke Davis, I love you and I'm thankful for you, and my gift to you is a day free of filming. BROOKE: Really? HALEY: Finally. MILLICENT: Such a good gift. (Doorbell rings where as Sylvia joins them) SYLVIA: Brooke? Haley? Mary? Anyone care for wine? MILLICENT: It's Millie. SYLVIA: Sure. HALEY: Uh, pregnant. Sorry. BROOKE: I'm good. SYLVIA: Well, at least someone here is fun. HALEY: Brooke? BROOKE: Hmm? Haley returns accompanied by Victoria. BROOKE: So not good. Why are you here? VICTORIA: Uh, Brooke... I just got out of prison. BROOKE: I don't care if you just crawled out of your own coffin. VICTORIA: Here we go with the typical Brooke dramatics. BROOKE: You want dramatic? There's a carving knife here I'm not afraid to use. The last time I saw you, you told me you never wanted to speak to me again. VICTORIA: I don't. BROOKE: Well, neither do I. So why don't you do us both a favor and just leave? SYLVIA: Victoria, hello. I am Sylvia, Julian's mom. VICTORIA: Oh. Hello. BROOKE: Victoria was just leaving. SYLVIA: Don't be silly. A lady gets out of the big house, she deserves a nice, big glass of Riesling. VICTORIA: Thank you. Finally, someone with manners. SYLVIA: Hey, Fluffy salad. VICTORIA: Ambrosia. MILLICENT: You're gonna let them bond? That is such a bad idea. BROOKE: It'll be fine. They will hate each other. And then hopefully they'll both leave. Alex and Jamie play video games, Mia and Haley see them. MIA: Like she's really playing with Jamie. HALEY: They look like they're having fun. MIA: Can't we just poison her drink or put laxative in her stuffing or something, Haley? HALEY: You know what? You need the green stuff. Take some and calm down. MIA: If you're not gonna help me, Erin will. Do you know any irish curses? ERIN: May your pipe never smoke and your teapot be broke. May your temples wear horns, toes many corns. May you keep to your bed till the hour you are dead. It's...Something like that. HALEY: I think you need the green stuff. CLUB TRIC Chase tests some new cocktails. CHASE: Okay. Cranberry sauce. Pumpkin pie. Stuffing. Oh, my God. NALEY'S HOUSE Brooke sees Victoria and Sylvia to speak together. VICTORIA: I'd love some more. SYLVIA: No problem. VICTORIA: I'll save your seat. SYLVIA: Thank you, dear. BROOKE: Hey! You are supposed to be making her uncomfortable so that she leaves. And you are over there bonding. Why are you bonding? SYLVIA: It's Thanksgiving, Brooke. Be thankful. Be kind. HALEY: Hello. Hey, having fun? BROOKE: Thankful, my ass. Thanksgiving sucks. HALEY: Oh, you need some of the green stuff. BROOKE: Is that a money joke? HALEY: Jello salad. People play football. Nathan and Jamie pick team. JAMIE: All right, it's time to pick teams. I pick Uncle Skills. JULIAN: Pick me. Pick me. NATHAN: Mouth. MOUTH: Yes! JULIAN: I'll be next. JAMIE: Okay, um... Aunt Brooke. MOUTH: Hey, pick Millie. NATHAN: Erin, you ever play football? ERIN: Not a day in my life. NATHAN: I pick Erin. JAMIE: Um... Millie. NATHAN: Mia. JAMIE: Okay. Julian. JULIAN: Sweet! Actually, I trade for Alex. ALEX: Yay! JULIAN: What? NATHAN: Clay, are you playing? CLAY: I'd love to, bro, but, uh, gunshot wound, kidney transplant. JULIAN: Nate. NATHAN: You sure? CLAY: Yeah. Go ahead. NATHAN: Okay. They play. SKILLS: Ready, set. Hike! JAMIE: Uncle Skills! SYLVIA: Oh! Yay, Jujube! Way to go! BROOKE: You're snuggly when you play football. VICTORIA: Look, something else you gave away, Brooke. But look, the other side is happy, aren't they? JAMIE: Come on, guys. We're on the 1-yard line. We got this. SKILLS: Ready, set. Hike! ALEX: Ha ha! Eat it, losers! MIA: Oops, didn't realize you already scored. My bad. ALEX: With Chase or in the game? MILLICENT: Hi, Marvin. MOUTH: Hi, Millie. MILLICENT: I'm gonna crush you. NATHAN: Ready? And hike. MILLICENT: I got the ball! I got the ball! NATHAN: She's on the other team. Come on. Ho! SKILLS: Ready, set. Hike. NATHAN: Hey, hey, hey! JULIAN: All right, all right, all right, all right, okay, okay. SKILLS: Let's get it, let's get it, let's get it. All right, dawg. Ready, set! Hike! TEAM: Go, baby! Run, J-money! Go, buddy, go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! NATHAN/JULIAN: Hey, hey, okay, okay. Come on, come on, come on. QUINN: Wow. I leave and all hell breaks loose. JAMIE: Aunt Quinn! QUINN: Hey, buddy. CLAY: Hey. QUINN: Hey. CLAY: You're back. QUINN: I'm back. HALEY: Happy Thanksgiving! Clay and Quin are insulated to be found. CLAY: Come here. How's my girl? QUINN: I kind of think you should take me home. CLAY: Right now? QUINN: Mm-hmm. CLAY: And skip dinner? QUINN: Yeah. CLAY: I've been smelling that turkey all day. And...Do you know how long I've eaten canned food? QUINN: Okay, fine. We'll wait. CLAY: No. No way. I'm taking you home right now. Come on. CLUB TRIC A customer arrives but Chase does not see him. He drinks and imitates hen. CHASE: Ohh. NALEY'S HOUSE Quinn speaks with her sister. QUINN: Hey, little sis. HALEY: Hi! Oh! I'm so glad that you're back. How was your trip? Tell me everything. QUINN: I mean, there's not that much to tell. It was work, you know? HALEY: Excuse me, you were on safari halfway across the world a million miles away. There's nothing to tell? How was the weather? How were the people? How was the food? QUINN: Okay, I will tell you everything, but later. Would I be the worst sister in the world if I told you I was exhausted and I just want Clay to take me home? I know it's Thanksgiving. You did an amazing job and cooked way too. Thank you. HALEY: Yes. Go. I get it. Be with Clay. And feed him. He's been sneaking my mashed potatoes all day. You're the best worst sister ever. QUINN: I'm thankful for you. Not just today, every day. Everyone sits down at table. BROOKE: Does it hurt? ALEX: Not as bad as when you hit me. MIA: Thanks. BROOKE Don't even think about it. VICTORIA: But...That table's for misfits. BROOKE: How perfect for you. SYLVIA: Victoria. Over here. I saved a seat for you. JULIAN: I don't like them being together. I don't care. ALEX: Doesn't she look like a turkey? MILLICENT: Not really. ALEX: She totally looks like a turkey. Haley makes a speech before eating. HALEY: Okay, uh, we have tons of food, so please dig in. And, uh, also, we have a tradition at our house of going around the table and saying what we're thankful for. I'll start. Um, I'm really grateful to be surrounded by such amazing friends and family, and, uh, I'm really glad that you're all here. MILLICENT: I'm thankful we're hanging out again. MOUTH: I'm thankful that you said that. ALEX: You guys need to do it. MIA: I'm surprised you haven't slept with him. JAMIE: I'm thankful for my baby brother. HALEY: Or sister. JAMIE: Whatever. I'm also thankful that Aunt Quinn is back and for Chester and I hope that Erin gets to see her parents soon. ALEX: I'm next. I am thankful that I'm hot and that I'm famous. SYLVIA: Well, I'm thankful... MIA: I'm thankful that I don't have to be a whore to be confident. ALEX: Well, I'm thankful that girls call me a whore, because it actually means that they're jealous that I'm prettier and more interesting than them. MIA: Oh, right, that's it. JAMIE: Mia, my mom says we have to switch seats. MIA: That is a great idea, Jamie. Thank you. ALEX: Gobble, gobble. VICTORIA: Brooke, can you pass the wine, please? BROOKE: I would, but it looks like you and Sylvia drank it all. HALEY: Oh, I'm thankful I have more wine in the kitchen. I'll go get some. NATHAN: I'm thankful my wife needs help. JULIAN: Please come back. SYLVIA: As I was saying, I'm thankful for my baby boy and that I could bring Brooke and Victoria together. BROOKE: You invited her? SYLVIA: It's Thanksgiving. BROOKE: Yeah. I'll take that. HALEY: Okay, sure. JULIAN: Yo. VICTORIA: Please, Brooke, can I have a glass before you chug it all? BROOKE: No. I've decided to stop giving things away. VICTORIA: Oh. Well, that's probably wise since you don't have anything left. BROOKE: I know what I'm not thankful for. HALEY: Okay, I think what we mean to say is that we're so grateful for what we have because we've been through so much this year, so many things that were not easy and things that make you realize you're all grown up and on your own. Hopefully we came out the other side stronger and with the realization that we really do have a lot to be grateful for. I just want to say that I wish my mom was here, because even if it felt bad, I would have the chance to make it better. And you two, fighting over a boy when you've got the whole world at your fingertips are you crazy? What some of us wouldn't give to be living our dream. So, maybe instead of focusing on what we don't have, we can focus on what we do have. ERIN: Slainte. JAMIE: That means "cheers," right? EREVYONE: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! JAMIE: Happy Thanksgiving. VICTORIA: Eat. Dig in. Let's eat. NATHAN: Oh, thank you. Girls are in the kitchen to clean up. HALEY: Thank you. ALEX: Hey, Haley. Thank you so much for today. The food was amazing, and the company was...Almost amazing. HALEY: Sure thing, Alex. You're welcome. Feel free to any take leftovers. MIA: She already did that, hales. HALEY: Shh! ALEX: Do you mind if I take this pie for Chase? MIA: Uh, no, actually, I mind. I made it. ALEX: Well, I don't care 'cause I'm gonna take it. MIA: It's my pie. ALEX: Doesn't matter. MIA: I want it. It's mine. I want it. (Julian comes in) JULIAN: What's going on? ALEX: She's being greedy with her stupid store-bought pie. MIA: She keeps taking my stuff. JULIAN: They're fighting over a pie? BROOKE: They're fighting over Chase. JULIAN: Seriously? HALEY: Yeah. The pie made more sense, right? MIA: Haley. HALEY: Sorry. JULIAN: I know who he likes. Mia and Alex will view the documentary one which Julian made on Chase. MIA: What are you waiting for? Push "play." ALEX: But if he picks you, it'll totally wreck me. MIA: Wow. I actually agree with you about something. ALEX: Wait! Whoever he picks gets to be with him. No more fighting. No more games. MIA: Fine. CHASE(On TV): ''I guess if I had to choose, well, that's hard because they're both great girls. Amazing girls. But the truth is...I think they chose for me. I want to be with a girl who really wants to be with me, not someone who lies to me or broke up with me by text. I think I should just be by myself for a while.'' ALEX: Not what I expected. MIA: Me either. I thought he'd pick you. ALEX: Yeah, me too. Although I kind of panicked and thought it might be you. That pie smells really good. MIA: It is really good. And it's not store-bought, either. ALEX: Nice job. Brooke says goodbye to Haley. BROOKE: Hey. We're heading out. Thanks again for having us. HALEY: I'm so glad you came. BROOKE: Hales, I'm really sorry that your mom isn't here. She would be really proud of you. You are so much like her. HALEY: Thank you. Well, she's never very far. She's in my heart. BROOKE: You must think I'm awful for fighting with Victoria. I just... I wasn't prepared to see her today, and I'm not ready to forgive her yet. HALEY: I totally understand. But if you think you can fix it, do. Don't waste a lot of time, you know. You might not have it. BROOKE: Okay. HALEY: Anyway... BROOKE: I'm thankful you're such a good friend. HALEY: I'm thankful I got to watch you chug wine out of a bottle. Classy. BROOKE: Bye. HALEY: Love you. BROOKE: Love you, too. HALEY: Don't forget your jello salad. Victoria speaks with Sylvia before leaving. Brooke arrives. VICTORIA: Sylvia, it was a pleasure. Thank you. SYLVIA: Hey, it was a hoot, really. VICTORIA: Oh. Brooke. BROOKE: Victoria. VICTORIA: Martini lunch next week. SYLVIA: You got it. VICTORIA: Okay. Thank you. Yeah. (Victoria goes out) SYLVIA: Okay. Bye. Safe home. Well, that was lovely, don't you think? BROOKE: Yep. Lovely. SYLVIA: She just got out of prison, and I thought that you would want to see her. BROOKE: No, not really. Not at all, actually. SYLVIA: Well, I guess I was wrong. BROOKE: Yeah. Sylvia, I know that you mean well. And I really appreciate it, but you don't have to be so helpful all the time. SYLVIA: I just want everybody to be happy. BROOKE: I know, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have Julian. So you already gave me a lot of happy. Okay? SYLVIA: Mm-hmm. Haley gives some food to Erin. HALEY: The leftovers are the best part. ERIN: Thanks, Haley. It means everything that you included me. It's so nice to be surrounded by people that care about each other so much. HALEY: Yeah. I actually overheard you telling Jamie that you don't talk to your parents much. ERIN: I don't talk to my parents at all. HALEY: Oh. Can I ask why? ERIN: They didn't believe in my music. They told me I was throwing my life away, that I was wasting my time. I told them I couldn't respect a parent that didn't believe in their child, who told them their dream wasn't worthwhile. They said some things, I said some things, and...We haven't spoke since. HALEY: Well, we're just gonna have to prove them wrong, aren't we? Come on. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth and Millicent watch the TV together. MILLICENT: It was a nice day. MOUTH: It was a very nice day. I'm glad we got to spend it together. MILLICENT: Me too. Marvin? MOUTH: Yeah? MILLICENT: You can kiss me now. CLUB TRIC Chase closed the bar. CLINN'SN HOUSE Clay and Quinn are lying. CLAY: Hey, you. QUINN: Hey. CLAY: I just got you back. Where you going? QUINN: I'm gonna develop some photos from my trip. I'm really excited. CLAY: Come here. Hey. I'm happy you're happy. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke and Julian go home. BROOKE: I destroyed that turkey. JULIAN: It might've been okay if my mom didn't spray it. BROOKE: No. You know, everything that's happened... Maybe it's okay in a way. I learned the important people, the important things, they don't go away. You're still here. JULIAN: And I'm never gonna leave. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Haley are in the terrace. Jamie comes in. JAMIE: Mom, I have the wishbone. Make a wish. HALEY: Okay. You ready? JAMIE/HALEY: One, two, three. JAMIE: Whoa! Both our wishes are gonna come true. HALEY: Wow! JAMIE/HALEY: Awesome. HALEY: Listen to me. About school...You have more determination than anyone know. And I really, really believe in you, Nathan. NATHAN: Well, that means everything. HALEY: You want to know what I wished for? NATHAN: Yeah. HALEY: I wished that you would believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. DARKROOM Quinn develops photographs which she took during her stay in Africa. One can also see photographs of Katie. End of the episode.

Plan: A: Thanksgiving; Q: What holiday is it in Tree Hill? A: Brooke; Q: Who decides to cook Thanksgiving dinner? A: a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner; Q: What does Brooke try to make? A: Haley's; Q: Whose house does the gang end up at for dinner? A: Mia; Q: Who has a cat fight with Alex over Chase? A: Big & Rich; Q: Who is the song named after? Summary: It's Thanksgiving in Tree Hill. Brooke decides it's time to try her hand at a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner but things don't really go as planned. All of the gang end up at Haley's for dinner where Mia and Alex have a cat fight over Chase. This episode is named after a song by Big & Rich . Opening theme song performed by Wakey!Wakey!

Teaser BUFFY: I've been going out a lot. GILES: Patrolling? BUFFY: Hunting. Various shots of Buffy fighting and killing vampires. GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on BTVS... BUFFY VOICEOVER: That's ... what Dracula called it. And he was right. Shot of Buffy talking to Giles. BUFFY: He understood my power better than I do. He saw darkness in it. Shot of Giles looking concerned. BUFFY: I need to know more. About where I come from, about the other slayers. I need you to be my Watcher again. Shot of Xander in Dracula's castle. XANDER: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey! Shot of Buffy walking into a room in Joyce's house, seeing Dawn. BUFFY VOICEOVER: What are you *doing* here? Shot of Dawn looking annoyed. Shot of Joyce in her room, calling out. JOYCE: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister? Shot of Buffy and Dawn looking annoyed in Joyce's direction. Buffy and Dawn (in unison): Mom! GILES VOICEOVER: There is nothing but you. Head-shot of Buffy with her eyes closed. Quiet, meditative music begins. GILES VOICEOVER: You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being ... of what you are. Shot of Giles walking in a circle around Buffy. GILES: Find it ... breathe into it. We see Buffy wearing a tank-top and pants, leaning over a short pedestal with both her hands on it. Giles walks in front of her. GILES VOICEOVER: Focus inward. Let the world fall away ... fall away ... fall away... The camera zooms in on Buffy's face as Giles repeats "fall away." She opens her eyes. Buffy leans forward and goes into a handstand, balancing on her hands on the pedestal. The pedestal is about two feet high and four inches square. We see exercise mats underneath it and a vault in the background. Giles is still walking circles around Buffy, staring at her. Shot of a large flat crystal with three smaller crystals standing on end atop it. Shot of Giles watching Buffy. Closeup of Buffy's face, eyes closed again. She begins to remove one hand from the pedestal. Slow-motion shot of Buffy bringing one arm out parallel to the floor, so she is balancing on the other hand. Giles still walking around her, watching. The music continues. Buffy's face looks very peaceful. Shot of the crystals. A hand appears and tries to balance a fourth crystal on top of the three standing ones, but it's clumsy and all the crystals fall over with a clunk. Buffy's eyes pop open, she loses her concentration and crashes to the floor with a cry. Giles starts toward her in alarm, sees she's all right. He then looks in a different direction, pulling off his glasses in an angry motion. Shot of the ceiling from Buffy's point of view. Dawn's face emerges into the shot. DAWN: Can we go now? Shot of Buffy looking annoyed. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn) is now listed with the regular cast members, after Emma Caulfield and before James Marsters. Guest starring Mercedes McNab, Bob Morrisey, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by David Fury, directed by David Grossman. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on a hanging mobile of fish. The camera pans across a bedroom. DAWN VOICEOVER: Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like, nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask *me* what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? We see Dawn sitting on a bed, wearing pajamas, writing in a diary. There's a huge pile of stuffed animals on the bed with her. DAWN VOICEOVER: No. Underline. Exclamation point. We see her underlining the word and drawing the exclamation point. She ponders for a moment and then violently draws a few more, stabbing at the paper with her pen. DAWN VOICEOVER: Exclamation point, exclamation point. (pause) No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer. Shot of Buffy opening the refrigerator and taking out a carton of milk. DAWN VOICEOVER: People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Buffy sniffs the milk and puts it on the counter. In the background we see Joyce drinking coffee and Dawn opening a cabinet to get out a box of cereal. Buffy picks up a banana from a bowl of fruit, turns away. DAWN VOICEOVER: Like that's *such* a crucial job skill in the real world. As Buffy moves to the background of the shot to get a bowl, Joyce and Dawn move to the foreground. Joyce pours milk into her coffee cup. Dawn opens the cereal box and sits down. DAWN VOICEOVER: Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world." Joyce moves to the background again as Buffy returns with a bowl, which she places on the counter, moving the milk carton aside. She picks up the banana again and turns away, peeling it. Dawn takes Buffy's bowl and pours cereal into it. DAWN VOICEOVER: *I* could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers... Dawn turns away from the table as Buffy returns with a knife, prepared to slice the banana into her bowl, but finds the bowl missing. She sees it sitting at Dawn's spot full of cereal, and makes an irritated face. DAWN VOICEOVER: ...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. Dawn returns with a spoon, wearing an innocent expression. Buffy turns away to get another bowl, and Dawn picks up the carton of milk. She empties it into her bowl and sits down to eat. DAWN VOICEOVER: If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter. Buffy returns with another bowl, reaches across Dawn for the cereal box, pours it into her bowl, picks up the milk carton and finds it empty. Dawn continues eating, pretending not to notice. JOYCE: So Buffy, what are your plans today? Buffy continues giving Dawn a dirty look for a moment, then looks away. BUFFY: Oh, actually, Giles and I are gonna go to the magic shop for supplies for my new and improved training sessions. JOYCE: Oh, that's great. BUFFY: (walking to sink, then to fridge) Oh, yeah, I'm actually- JOYCE: (interrupts) You can take Dawn shopping for back to school supplies. Dawn puts down her spoon and turns around, preparing to argue. BUFFY: What? DAWN: Mom, I-I thought you were taking me. JOYCE: Well, honey, I've got the Gurion showing tonight, and there's so much to do to get the gallery ready. (Turns to leave kitchen.) BUFFY: No, but, see, Mom -- Buffy and Dawn run after Joyce as she walks to the living room. BUFFY: That doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop. No school supplies there. DAWN: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. (She giggles at her own joke till she notices Buffy looking annoyed and confused.) Geez, crack a book sometime. JOYCE: Look, I'm sure Giles doesn't mind dropping you and your sister off at the mall afterwards. BUFFY: Actually, he does mind. This is supposed to be quality Watcher/slayer time. I told you, she completely ruined my training yesterday. DAWN: Did not! BUFFY: Oh, you know you did too. JOYCE: Buffy. I realize the importance of your new slayer thing, but- Knock on door. JOYCE: -I could really use your help. She walks past the two girls, both sighing and rolling their eyes in annoyance. They glare at each other as Joyce opens the door and Riley comes in. RILEY: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great. JOYCE: Oh, thank you, Riley. (Exits) Buffy goes over to Riley. BUFFY: Suck up. RILEY: What? It's a nice outfit. Dawn pretends not to be watching them. BUFFY: Mm-hmm. RILEY: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. Not sure why. He and Buffy smooch. DAWN VOICEOVER: Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is *so* into her. They're always kissing ... and groping. I bet they have s*x! Riley stops kissing Buffy and looks at Dawn. RILEY: Hey, kid. DAWN: I'm not a kid. She walks off as Buffy & Riley move into the living room. BUFFY: Well, this is a surprise of the nicest kind. RILEY: Now it's my turn to be surprised. I thought we had plans today. They sit on the sofa. BUFFY: Plans? We planned plans? RILEY: Well, you said, uh, "come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "OK." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan. Buffy nods in resignation. BUFFY: Right. RILEY: (studying her expression) We're not hangin' today, are we? BUFFY: Giles is on his way to pick me up. RILEY: Oh, slayer training. BUFFY: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important. RILEY: I have no doubt. Okay, well, we'll hook up later. (Starts to get up) BUFFY: Are you mad at me? RILEY: Oh, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way. (Smiles) BUFFY: Good. RILEY: Look, Buffy, I know what this means to you. I think it's great that you've got this new mission. I'll see you tonight. (Smooch. Riley gets up.) RILEY: Bye. (calling) See ya, kid! DAWN: (OS) I'm not a kid! Cut to a shot of a bright red convertible driving down the street. Giles is at the wheel, Buffy beside him and Dawn in the back. Classical music plays on the radio. GILES: Well, I sympathize with you, Buffy, I truly do. But I'm certain that Riley understands better than anyone else the importance of training. You can't allow personal concerns to distract you from- (Dawn reaches between them to change the radio station) Dawn, will you stop fiddling with the radio and sit down? Dawn sits back, looking exasperated. The radio plays classical music. DAWN VOICEOVER: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. Shot of Dawn back in her room, writing in her diary. DAWN VOICEOVER: I think it's 'cause he's just so ... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone. Cut back to Dawn fidgeting in the backseat of the car. BUFFY: (studying a piece of paper) There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that? GILES: You're entering a new realm here, Buffy. One for which I myself am not entirely prepared. Are you ready for this commitment? BUFFY: I'm just kidding! Hey, this Betty's ready. Color me committed. The car engine races as Giles tries to shift. GILES: Blast! BUFFY: You put it in neutral again, huh? GILES: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. Shot of Dawn looking surprised. GILES: No, i-it's not working out. BUFFY: Giles, are you breaking up with your car? GILES: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty! BUFFY: Little two-door tramp. Giles gives her a sour look. GILES: I-I-I don't know, I just - I was so at loose ends, I-I found myself searching for ... some way of feeling more... BUFFY: Shallow? GILES: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order. BUFFY: Do I have to? GILES: I'm serious, Buffy, there's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous- DAWN: (pointing) Hey, there's Willow and Tara! GILES: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car. He pulls over. Buffy rolls her eyes at him. We see Willow and Tara coming out of the coffee shop. WILLOW: Hey Giles, sharp wheels! TARA: The rest of the car's nice too. Everyone gets out of the car. GILES: Handles like a dream. BUFFY: Where are you guys heading? WILLOW: Magic shop. I have some charms on back order. DAWN: (smiling) Willow, hi. WILLOW: Hey Dawny! (They hug) How's my favorite chess partner? Still leading with your knight? Dawn shrugs in embarrassment. DAWN VOICEOVER: Willow's the awesomest person. Cut back to Dawn in pajamas, now lying on her bed writing in the diary with a smile. DAWN VOICEOVER: She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Cut back to the street. Dawn smiles at Willow, then the camera pans over to Tara. DAWN VOICEOVER: Even her friends are cool! Tara smiles and gives a little wave. TARA: Hey Dawn. DAWN VOICEOVER: Like Tara. (Cut back to Dawn in the bedroom) She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. (She pauses in her writing and looks puzzled.) Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft. Cut back to the street. Dawn and Tara are walking side-by-side, with Giles ahead of them and Buffy and Willow in the lead. BUFFY: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school. A block of time every day just to focus on my new slayer training. WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic. BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that? WILLOW: People gotta respect a solid work ethic. Look at you, motivated Buffy. Eager to soak up learning. Oh, you and I are gonna have so much fun this semester. BUFFY: (stops walking, and so do the rest of them) Yeah, that reminds me. With the whole new training schedule, I kinda had to drop a class. WILLOW: That's understandable. Your slayer studies are way more important. BUFFY: So I won't be taking drama with you. In the background we see Tara and Dawn peering in the windows of the magic shop. WILLOW: What? You have to, you promised! BUFFY: Well, I know, but Giles said that it just was- (gesturing to Giles who's behind her, looking in the opposite direction) WILLOW: The hell with Giles. (Giles turns in surprise) GILES: I can hear you, Willow. WILLOW: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you? BUFFY: What happened to "people gotta respect a work ethic"? WILLOW: Other people, not me! There's a whole best friend loophole. TARA: (calling to them) Shop's kinda dark. Maybe it's closed. GILES: That's odd. Everyone looks bemused and walks toward the magic shop. Cut to interior of the magic shop as Giles opens the door and walks in. It's dark and the furniture is overturned. Giles and Buffy walk in slowly, followed by the others, all looking around. BUFFY: Well, I think "odd" just got upped to "bad." GILES: (calling) Hello? Anyone here? TARA: Mr. Bogarty? Everyone looks at Tara. TARA: The owner. I-I come in here a lot. Willow advances farther into the store. WILLOW: Well, maybe this happened ... really late at night when nobody was... She trips over something and falls to the floor. BUFFY: Will? Tara comes forward. WILLOW: I'm fine, I - I just tripped over... She sits up and sees the body. He's lying face-up and we can see vampire bite marks on his neck. WILLOW: Mr. Bogarty. DAWN: (behind Buffy and Giles) Wha-what is it, is he okay? She tries to move forward but Buffy pushes her back. BUFFY: It's nothing you need to see, Dawn, go wait outside. Buffy hustles her toward the door with a hand on Dawn's elbow. DAWN: I don't wanna wait outside! BUFFY: Dawn! DAWN: Ow, that hurt! (Buffy pushes her out the door onto the street) You're hurting me. I'm telling. BUFFY: Look, I don't have time for this. Just do as I say and wait. She starts off, then turns back. BUFFY: Here. Buffy goes back inside. Dawn sighs in annoyance, walks around a little, then goes back and peers between the blinds. Inside the shop she can see Buffy, Tara and Willow standing around as Giles kneels beside the body. GUY: Whatcha doin'? Dawn turns with a gasp. A scruffy older man is standing there, unshaven, his tie loose. GUY: What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering. He advances on Dawn as she backs up, scared. GUY: That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard (making cat-scratching gestures with his hands) but they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Dawn has backed up against a van. She looks around, scared. GUY: (sobbing) Please, make it stop. (in a different tone) Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you! DAWN: (tries to call out) Buff- (Shrieks as the guy puts his finger on her lips) GUY: I know you. Curds and whey. (Dawn looks shocked) I know what you are. (slowly and ominously) You ... don't ... belong ... here. Dawn shakes her head, looks on the verge of tears. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Cut in on the outer door to the magic shop. It opens and Tara comes out. She looks around. TARA: Dawn? She walks out a little farther, looking around. TARA: Dawn? She looks down and sees Dawn sitting on the ground, leaning against a building. TARA: Dawn. You okay? DAWN: Is ... Is that guy dead in there? Tara nods. TARA: Yeah. She sits down next to Dawn. TARA: They're gonna be a little while longer, doing the detective thing. Best non-scoobies like you and me stay out of the way. Dawn nods. They sit silently for a few moments. TARA: Do you wanna thumb-wrestle? Dawn nods again. DAWN: Okay. They lock their hands together and begin to thumb-wrestle. Cut to a shot of the dead guy lying face-up. Giles' hands reach over and close his eyes. BUFFY: Judging by the bite-fest, I'd say it was more than one vampire. GILES: (standing up) I make it four at least. BUFFY: Looks like someone's put together a new fang club. (Walks to the counter. Willow is behind it, holding a book.) WILLOW: Well, I've cross-checked the inventory list, and things are definitely missing. (puts inventory book on the counter) Mostly books. Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer. Buffy pulls out her list as Giles picks up the inventory book. BUFFY: Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy? GILES: Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious. Whoever's leading this pack of vampires appears to be interested in learning more about you. Perhaps searching for weaknesses or ... good lord. BUFFY: What? GILES: Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high. Buffy and Willow exchange a look. GILES: Look at this! Uh, low overhead, out-of-state orders, international - it's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners. (Looking around) A place like this is a virtual- BUFFY: Deathtrap? GILES: What? Well, uh, yes, there is that. But, uh, still... (puts book down and looks around some more) Location, pedestrian traffic... WILLOW: So what's the next step? GILES: (still gazing around) Buffy, you should begin looking for their lair straight away. BUFFY: I'll get Riley to help me patrol. WILLOW: Wait, aren't you forgetting something? GILES: Impressive square footage... He walks off as Buffy gives Willow a questioning look WILLOW: You're on Dawn duty. Buffy looks annoyed. BUFFY: Oh, duty. I gotta drop my sister back home. (eyes widening) My mother's gonna *kill* me. GILES: (wandering back into view) I bet the death rate keeps the rent down. (pauses) Oh, hello. Something's been taken from this case, look here. He goes over to a case where the glass has been knocked out. BUFFY: What'd they take? Willow looks in the inventory book. GILES: I should think an item of, of value, or-or power, possibly even a- WILLOW: A unicorn. 10-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand. BUFFY: Was it valuable? Giles stares in puzzlement at the empty case. WILLOW: (OS) List price, $12.95. GILES: Which begs the question, what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary? Cut to head shot of Harmony. HARMONY: Okay, hi. First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night. (applauding) Good job, minions! We see Harmony in the underground lair, wearing a skimpy black top and shiny gold pants. Four male vampires are standing around. They applaud along with her, a little uncertainly. They are Brad, Cyrus, Peaches, and Mort. Mort is very tall and large, whereas the others are fairly average-sized. HARMONY: Yes, you deserve it. Secondly... (turns away to reach for something) somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn! (Holds up the ceramic unicorn and smiles at Brad. The other vamps stare at him.) BRAD: (whispering to other vamps) What? HARMONY: Brad, guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade. (Admiring the unicorn) BRAD: (to other vamps) I, I had to get her something. She sired me. Peaches: (to Cyrus) Sire-whipped. We see Mort adding the unicorn to a large collection of other unicorn statues sitting on a table. HARMONY: Anyway, the books you guys brought me to help with the plan? Well, I've been skimming through the book jackets all morning, and let me tell you, there's some pretty useful stuff in there, so- Cyrus raises his hand. HARMONY: Yes, uh ... sorry, forgot your name. CYRUS: Cyrus. HARMONY: Cyrus, huh, right. Peaches' friend. (Peaches nods) What's your question? CYRUS: When are we gonna do it? HARMONY: Eww! That's rude! I barely know you! (Cyrus looks sideways at the other vamps in confusion) Uch, and you're a minion! MORT: He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan? HARMONY: Ohhh! The plan! (laughs in embarrassment) Ah, well, first lemme tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys- MORT: (yelling) When?! HARMONY: (yelling) Tonight! (more calmly) We kill the slayer ... tonight. (Smiles in self-satisfaction.) The other vamps grin and nod at each other. Cut to Dawn sitting on her bed holding her diary, wearing the same clothes she was wearing at the magic shop. JOYCE VOICEOVER: So not only didn't you take your sister shopping for school supplies- Dawn listens in. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. While Buffy and Joyce argue, Joyce walks back and forth getting dressed and putting on jewelry. JOYCE: -you brought her to a murder scene. BUFFY: No, I didn't bring her to it, it ... just ... sorta came upon us. It's not like she saw the body or anything. JOYCE: Oh, well. That makes it all right then, doesn't it? BUFFY: No, that is not what I meant. JOYCE: I asked one favor of you, Buffy. To look after your sister. And now you want to unload her, so you and Riley can go out. BUFFY: To patrol. I'm working, it's not like I wanna go to the sock hop. JOYCE: I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour. Who's gonna watch Dawn? DAWN: (OS, calling from her room) I don't need anyone to watch me! BUFFY and JOYCE: (unison) Yes you do! Joyce walks into the bathroom. BUFFY: Wait. So what you're saying is if I can get an acceptable babysitter here before you leave, I can go patrol? DAWN: (OS) Babysitter? I'm fourteen! I'm old enough to *be* a babysitter! JOYCE: And who are you gonna get on such short notice? DAWN: (OS) I can take care of myself! BUFFY: (suddenly realizing) Xander. JOYCE: Xander? Sound of running footsteps. Joyce and Buffy look up as Dawn appears in the doorway. DAWN: Okay. Doorbell rings. Cut to Dawn running up to the front door, pausing to fix her hair. She's wearing a tight short dress. She opens the door. Xander stands there holding a pizza. XANDER: Dawn patrol. DAWN: (smiling) Hey. XANDER: Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big. He comes in. Dawn watches him with a smile as Joyce appears, putting on a jacket. We see her and Xander talking, but we only hear Dawn's voiceover. DAWN VOICEOVER: Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of ... deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave too. Cut to Dawn in her pajamas, lying on the bed and writing in her diary. DAWN VOICEOVER: Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy. Note: the closed-captions provide the following dialogue during this scene which is not actually heard: JOYCE: Xander, thanks for doing this. XANDER: Total non-sweat. JOYCE: Again, thanks for coming. Oh, uh, here is my card. If you have any problems, you just call me on the cell phone. Cut back to downstairs as Joyce gives Xander her card. XANDER: Have fun. Not too much fun, though. (Although we can hear this line and it sounds like Xander's voice, we see his face, and it's clear that his lips aren't moving.) JOYCE: Dawn, be good. (Kisses Dawn goodbye) XANDER: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from ... some guy ... I don't know his name. (Winks at Dawn. Joyce leaves, and Dawn, smiling at Xander, starts to shut the door.) DAWN VOICEOVER: Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people. Anya appears in the doorway, preventing Dawn from closing the door. Anya carries a stack of board-game boxes. ANYA: Hello there, little girl. Dawn's happy expression turns to one of dismay. DAWN VOICEOVER: Even when he should. ANYA: (talking as if to a very small child) We are gonna have fun, fun, fun. Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, the Game of Life! That sounds good! Dawn looks upset. She closes the door. TARA: (OS) Poor Dawn. Cut to Tara looking at herself in a mirror, which is above a sink with a towel rack beside it. TARA: She was pretty shaken up. WILLOW: Well, sure. Bloody death and stuff. The camera pans out and we see they are in a dorm room, unpacking. Willow goes to hang a painting while Tara is unpacking bathroom stuff from a box. WILLOW: She'll be okay. TARA: It's just ... I, I think it's tough for her, not being able to ... well, allowed to, you know, help. Willow tries the painting in a few places, then puts it atop a bureau and begins unpacking another box. WILLOW: Help? TARA: Oh, you. You guys. The slayer circle. WILLOW: Well, Buffy doesn't really need ... a-and I think Dawn's a little young. TARA: I-I know, you're right. It's just hard. That outsider feeling. Willow looks over at her. WILLOW: Tara ... you're not an outsider. TARA: Well, yeah. I kinda am. WILLOW: (walking toward her) No, you're not. TARA: Willow, it's okay. Where does this go? WILLOW: Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it? TARA: No, Xander's a sweetie. WILLOW: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's ... British and doesn't understand about stuff. TARA: It's no one. (Continues taking stuff out of the box) You guys all just have this really tight bond. It's-it's hard to break into that. And I'm not even sure I want to. Willow walks up behind Tara and puts her arms around Tara's waist, resting her chin on Tara's shoulder. WILLOW: I'm sure. Tara puts her hands over Willow's. WILLOW: You're completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that. Closeup of their faces as they both smile. WILLOW: You're one of the good guys. Tara's smile disappears and she pulls away, disengaging herself from Willow's embrace. Willow doesn't notice her expression. WILLOW: Maybe I can talk to the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of scooby initiation. (They both return to what they were doing) Oh! Maybe we could wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members. TARA: I don't think so. But maybe something like that would be nice for Dawn. I do worry about her sometimes. WILLOW: You don't have to. She's got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her. Cut to Buffy and Riley walking through a graveyard. BUFFY: So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she's shielded from something that might upset her. RILEY: Like dead shopkeepers. BUFFY: She didn't see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot, which is bad, okay, but hello, I see dead stuff *all* the time, and you don't see Mom shielding me. RILEY: So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you from it at the same time. BUFFY: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it. RILEY: I'm getting that. (sighs) What's the deal, Buffy? You seem really- Buffy stops him by putting out a hand. She stops walking and looks intently to her right. BUFFY: Oh, trash can. From a distance it looked kinda- RILEY: Tense. BUFFY: Nooo, I-I was gonna say brown, squat, shadowy... RILEY: Uh-uh. Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing. You seem really tense. BUFFY: (shrugs) Yeah, there's a new vampire gang in town. RILEY: I mean domestically tense. You're on Dawn's case a lot. BUFFY: I guess. It's just... (sighs) I don't know, it ... I know it's always been this way. She's the baby. But for some reason lately, it's just really getting to me. She's *always* around. RILEY: Well, yeah. You're like her idol, Buffy. BUFFY: Her idol? I don't think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants, and- RILEY: You know what I mean. You have super powers ... and college ... a studly yet sensitive boyfriend... BUFFY: And a pesky life-or-death job that I can't quit or even take a break from. RILEY: She doesn't get the sacrifices. She's a kid. BUFFY: And that's what bugs. *She* gets to be a kid, and she acts like it's the biggest burden in the world. Sometimes *I* would like to just curl up in Mom's lap and not worry about the fate of the world. I'd like to be the one who's protected, who's waited on- Cut to Joyce's house. DAWN: -hand and foot, getting her own way. Always the favorite. We see that they're playing the Game of Life around a low table in the living room, surrounded by various junk food. Dawn is eating a bowl of ice cream. XANDER: You nut. Your mom loves you both equally. But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite. Dawn smiles. DAWN VOICEOVER: He says I'm like a kid sister... XANDER: (looking at the game board) Here comes the judge! DAWN VOICEOVER: ...but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am... Xander gives Dawn a big goofy grin. DAWN VOICEOVER: ...as a woman. We see that Dawn has chocolate ice cream smeared all over her face. ANYA: Oh, crap. (slaps down her cards) Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage... XANDER: That means you're winning. ANYA: Really? XANDER: Yes. Cash equals good. ANYA: Ooh! (claps her hands in excitement) I'm so pleased. (Scoops up the plastic markers that represent children) Can I trade in the children for more cash? Dawn gives her a disgusted look. Suddenly something smashes in the window, showering them with broken glass. They all duck behind the table. Dawn shrieks. Xander gets up and goes to see what it was. Anya follows. Xander picks up a rock with a note tied around it. He unties the string, hands the rock to Anya, and reads the note. Dawn stays on the floor watching. XANDER: "Slayer, come out and die." We see the note, written in large letters. The "i" in "die" is dotted with a smiley-face. HARMONY: (OS) I'm waiting for you, Buffy! Xander goes over to the hole in the window and peeks out. He sees Harmony, surrounded by her four minions, who carry weapons. Harmony looks annoyed. HARMONY: (yells) I know you're in there! Cut to Xander standing in the doorway, holding the front door open. HARMONY: (OS) What do you mean, she's not in there? Xander looks unimpressed. HARMONY: She has to be. I'm calling her out! We see Anya and Dawn a few feet behind Xander. XANDER: Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later. HARMONY: (scornful) They're not my buddies. They're my minions. XANDER: They're ... what now? HARMONY: Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me. Xander looks skeptical. Then he starts laughing. HARMONY: What's so funny?! XANDER: Nothing! What could be funny, just "Look out, it's a terrifying Harmony gang, ooh!" (Laughing) HARMONY: Stop laughing! (Tries to attack him, but she can't go past the doorway. Dawn ducks behind Anya. Xander continues laughing) XANDER: I just, I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following- (Looks at the minions again and pretends to be shocked) Is that Brad Konig? Huh! Hey Brad, who'd have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog? BRAD: Screw you, Harris. HARMONY: You should know all about being somebody's lapdog. I hear you were a good little puppy for Dracula. Anya and Dawn look insulted on Xander's behalf. XANDER: You heard wrong. HARMONY: (laughs) Don't feel bad. I hear that mind-control thing he does works really well on weak fraidy-cat losers. You didn't stand a chance. DAWN: (still behind Anya) Shut up! XANDER: Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony! HARMONY: Make me. XANDER: Fraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you. HARMONY: You're the hair-puller, you big girl! DAWN: Oh yeah? Come inside and say that! Xander will kick your- ANYA: Dawn, no! Xander makes his "uh-oh" face. Harmony morphs into vampire face and lunges at Xander, shoving him to the floor as Dawn shrieks. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Harmony is on top of Xander, holding him down as he struggles. Dawn shrieks and pushes past Anya to run up the stairs. The minions rush to the door but can't enter. XANDER: The invitation was for one. The minions snarl. Anya turns and runs into another room. HARMONY: Not such a pushover any more, am I? (Punches Xander in the face a few times) ANYA: (running around) Slayer's house have more weapons lying around. (Picks up a lamp) HARMONY: I've been working out, learning some new tricks, honing my - She bends to bite Xander as Anya runs up with the lamp. Harmony straightens up and backhands Anya, breaking the lamp and sending Anya flying. HARMONY: Instincts. Xander kicks Harmony in the stomach and she flies backward out the front door, crashing into the minions. They all fall down the porch stairs. Xander and Anya rush to close the door and lean against it, looking out at the vampires. HARMONY: This isn't over, Xander! I'll be back! XANDER: And we'll be ready for you! Stakes ... crosses ... the whole enchilada. He and Anya pull their heads away from the windows. XANDER: Buffy is not going to be happy about this. Anya shakes her head in agreement. Cut to Buffy laughing hysterically. BUFFY: Harmony ... (laughing) Harmony has minions? We see Buffy and Riley in the kitchen laughing, along with Anya and Xander, who aren't laughing. XANDER: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. BUFFY: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (Clear throat and stops laughing) It's just ... Harmony has minions! (Starts laughing again) XANDER: And Ruffles have ridges. Uh, Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this. BUFFY: I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing. (Giggles, then stops and takes a deep breath) What is it? XANDER: (nervously, looking at Anya) Well, she did come here to kill you. Buffy bursts out laughing again. Riley also snickers. RILEY: (chuckling) Buffy, come on, they have killed once that we know of. She could be a threat to you. (Buffy laughs harder) ANYA: Especially now that she can enter your house any time she wants. Buffy stops laughing for real this time. BUFFY: What? Xander and Anya fidget. XANDER: Uh, yeah, actually, she -- Harmony -- kind of happened to sort of get an invite. BUFFY: You guys can't invite her in. I mean, only someone who lives here can- (The clue hits. Xander nods. Buffy frowns.) BUFFY: (quietly) Where is she? ANYA: In her room. Look, I think she's still pretty freaked out. BUFFY: Dawn! (starts to stomp out. Xander stops her) XANDER: Buff, it was an accident. She didn't mean it. BUFFY: Oh, well that just makes it okay then, doesn't it? (Stomps out) XANDER: (calling after her) No, but believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now. Cut to Harmony and minions walking through a dark graveyard. HARMONY: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing. MORT: We'll go back later. HARMONY: No! It's no good. Buffy's gonna expect us now. The whole surprise is blown. PEACHES: (to Cyrus) Who're you growling at? CYRUS: Not me, my stomach. If I don't eat somebody soon, I-I'll get dizzy. PEACHES: Let's go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet. BRAD: Not me. This night is young, and I want some action. A hand taps Brad on the shoulder, and when he turns, it punches him in the face. He goes down. The other three minions turn. SPIKE: Happy to oblige. Here I thought it was gonna be a slow night. (puffing on a cigarette, sizing up the minions) Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all. The minions start forward. HARMONY: Stop! She emerges from behind Mort. Spike looks surprised. SPIKE: Well. Hello, Harm. HARMONY: Spikey. I mean, Spike. SPIKE: Long time. You look good. HARMONY: I feel good. SPIKE: (smirks) I remember. They both grin. HARMONY: How've you been? SPIKE: (shrugs) Not bad. Just got a brand-new telly in my crypt, so... MORT: (walking up behind Harmony) Why are you talking to him? HARMONY: It's okay, we used to go steady. (sighs) Spike, Mort. Mort, this is- MORT: I know who he is. He kills our kind. HARMONY: Oh yeah! (to Spike)What's up with that? SPIKE: (shrugs) Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort. Mort growls and steps forward, but Harmony stops him. HARMONY: Mort, just give us ... a couple minutes, 'kay? (Turns back to Spike) He's really testy. Some of us were thinking of voting him out of the gang. (She and Spike step aside where the minions can't overhear.) SPIKE: Gang? HARMONY: Oh, yeah. I've got my own gang now. SPIKE: (checking out the minions) Is that what those circus freaks are? HARMONY: Uh huh. I mean ... shut up! (Spike grins) We're gonna kill the slayer. SPIKE: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune. HARMONY: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff. SPIKE: What, Evil for Dummies? (walks around her) Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's, uh ... well, let's face it, it's adorable. HARMONY: You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now. There comes a time in every woman's life when she realizes she needs to take the next step. I've taken it. I've found the real me... and I like her. Spike moves closer to her during this speech until their faces are inches away. SPIKE: Hope you'll be very happy together. In the meantime, save slayer slaying for the professionals. HARMONY: (sighs) You'll see. Buffy'll be dead by sunrise. I've got a plan. SPIKE: (chuckling) Lemme guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing? HARMONY: (bluffing) No! Much, much better one. (Spike looks skeptical.) I'm not gonna tell you! SPIKE: Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you. (Backs away and walks off) HARMONY: I'll do that. (shouting after him) And after Buffy is gone? I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me ... Spike! Spike waves a hand over his shoulder as he walks off. Harmony sighs, then turns back to the minions. HARMONY: (smiling) Guys! New plan. Cut to Buffy laying out a huge array of stakes and crosses on her bed as Riley watches. RILEY: That's a lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating twenty minutes ago. BUFFY: Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep. XANDER: Buff, I left word with Willow. She'll come do a return engagement of her uninvitation spell. She probably still has the stuff from last week. And bang, boom, you're back in the Fortress of Solitude. All better. BUFFY: No. Not all better. I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Cut to the hallway where we see Dawn listening in. BUFFY: (OS) Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house." (Dawn rolls her eyes) Cut back to the bedroom. BUFFY: I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive. XANDER: People slip, Buffy. Your mom did. She invited in the mas- (Catches himself) Dracula. In for coffee. Buffy and Riley give Xander an odd look. BUFFY: Well, that was different. I mean, she ... He would ... She was lonely, and, and, and she didn't know he was a vampire. *The* vampire. Meanwhile, Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was and she rolled out the welcome mat for her. Cut back to Dawn in the hallway. RILEY: (OS) She's just a kid. (Dawn rolls her eyes) Cut back to the bedroom. BUFFY: You know, will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but somehow, I still managed to remember the rules. RILEY: You had to. It was your job. BUFFY: (putting on a jacket) No. No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world, well you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed. Cut back to the hallway. Dawn makes an unhappy face. Cut back to the bedroom. Xander and Riley look displeased, but they don't argue any more. Cut back to the hallway. Dawn turns and walks away. Cut back to the bedroom. Buffy sighs and speaks more quietly. BUFFY: She just has to be more careful. Now, I can't be there to protect her 24 hours a day. I-I just can't. Cut to Dawn running through the downstairs part of the house, passing by Anya in the kitchen. ANYA: Hey! Don't! Dawn runs out the back door and Anya follows. ANYA: Dawn! Dawn stops a few feet outside the door and puts her hands to her face, as if trying not to cry. Anya grabs her shoulder, startling her. ANYA: What do you think you're doing? DAWN: Leave me alone. ANYA: I will after you come back inside the house. (Grabs Dawn and starts shoving her back toward the door.) DAWN: Let go of me! (breaks free) ANYA: No, it's not safe out here! Dawn shrieks as Mort steps from behind a bush, wearing his vamp face. MORT: You got that right. He hits Anya, sending her flying back inside, where she falls on the kitchen floor unconscious. Mort grabs Dawn and passes her to the other minions, who herd her away shrieking. Mort pauses to look at Anya lying on the floor, then follows the other minions. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Xander, Riley and Buffy come down the stairs and find Anya on the kitchen floor. XANDER: Anya! Xander and Riley kneel to lift Anya up. Buffy goes to look out the door. ANYA: (half conscious) Oh, vampires took... RILEY: This head wound looks bad. We gotta get her to the hospital. Buffy goes to the phone. ANYA: (murmuring) They took her... XANDER: Shh, shh. ANYA: Dawn. BUFFY: Dawn? Wha-what about Dawn? ANYA: She ran out ... they took her ... vampires... BUFFY: Oh god. Oh god. Uh, take care of Anya. (Hands the phone to Riley and runs out) RILEY: Buffy! Cut to the underground lair. The minions look a little impatient. HARMONY: All right, once again, nice work, minionators. I'm really, really proud of you guys. (Mort comes in) Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest ... comfortable? MORT: (confused) You told me to chain her to a wall. HARMONY: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever? (Mort looks blank) Anyway... (turns back to the other minions) I'm feeling really good about this new plan, people. I think it's a winner. CYRUS: When do we eat the girl? HARMONY: We don't. Not yet. CYRUS: Why not? HARMONY: Because! That's not the plan! (sighs) Do I have to go over the plan again? We use the sister as bait. We send Buffy a note- PEACHES: More notes? HARMONY: (annoyed) We send Buffy a note, telling her that if she wants to see her sister again, she has to come alone to a place we choose. She comes, we jump her, we kill her. (Peaches nods.) MORT: So it doesn't really matter if we're actually holding the slayer's sister, just as long as she thinks we are. She'll walk into the trap. HARMONY: I guess. CYRUS: So it won't make any difference if we eat the girl now. HARMONY: We're not eating the girl. PEACHES: Why not? HARMONY: Cause! That's not the plan. All the minions look dissatisfied. Cut to a TV showing mostly static. Spike bangs on it and fiddles with the knobs and antenna for a while, with no results. SPIKE: Bollocks. Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes. He looks up as the door bangs open and Buffy strides in. SPIKE: Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant- (Buffy hits him in the face) Ow! Bloody hell! BUFFY: (grabbing his shirt) I don't have time for banter, Spike. Where's Harmony's lair? SPIKE: Haven't seen her in months. How should I know- (Buffy hits him in the face again) Ow! BUFFY: Where is she? SPIKE: At least lay off the nose. (Buffy pulls back her fist) Okay! Okay! Used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site. Buffy punches him in the nose again, then lets go and turns to leave. SPIKE: Ow! I was telling you the truth! BUFFY: (leaving) I know. Spike rubs his nose and glares after her. Cut to the lair. HARMONY: They don't respect me. They pretend they do, but deep down they think I'm nothing. We see that she's talking to Dawn, who's chained to a wall with her wrists at head height. HARMONY: I mean, I'm the one who put this group together. Me! But they treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like? DAWN: A little. HARMONY: (whining) They have no idea how much pressure I'm under. I have to make all the hard decisions. And it's hard! Dawn gasps. Harmony turns to see Mort leading the other minions in, all wearing vamp faces. HARMONY: Excuse me, I didn't hear anybody knock. MORT: We've been talking it over, and we decided we don't like this plan. PEACHES: (scornfully) Except for Brad. He abstained. HARMONY: (angry) Oh really? You have a plan you like better? MORT: We're gonna feed on the girl and kill you. Dawn looks scared. MORT: Maybe not in that order. HARMONY: I don't think I like your attitude, Mort. (to the others) Kill him for me. The other minions don't move. Mort smirks. HARMONY: All right. You're all on my list. (Looks nervous as Mort advances toward her) Th-this isn't fair. Okay, so things haven't been perfect. I just need a little more time to grow into my leadership role. MORT: Time's up. He grabs her by the throat. Dawn watches fearfully as Cyrus walks toward her. DAWN: (nervous) Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you. Cyrus smirks and reaches out one finger. He pokes her in the shoulder and laughs. The other minions laugh too. Suddenly the point of a stake shoots through Cyrus from behind. He stops laughing and turns to dust. Mort lets go of Harmony and they both turn, as do the other minions, who are holding weapons. BUFFY: Can't say she didn't warn him. HARMONY: (to Mort) And you didn't like the plan. BUFFY: Dawn, close your eyes. Dawn does so. HARMONY: So, slayer, at last we meet. BUFFY: We've met, Harmony, you halfwit. HARMONY: I'm the halfwit? Um, excuse me, but look who's fallen into my- Peaches attacks Buffy with a large axe. She ducks his swing and stakes him. As he turns to dust, Buffy grabs the axe from him, Brad attacks, and Buffy chops off his head. Dawn scrunches her eyes together tightly. HARMONY: Trap. BUFFY: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad ... you *suck*. During this speech we see Mort moving around behind Buffy. Dawn opens her eyes and sees him. DAWN: Buffy, watch out! Buffy turns and swings the axe but Mort knocks it out of her grasp and knocks her down. HARMONY: Ooh, good shot, Mort, I think you got her on the- Mort glares at her. Harmony laughs nervously, turns and runs away. Mort swings at Buffy; she punches him, grabs a large stick and hits him with it. He punches her. She ducks a few more punches and lands one on him. Shot of Dawn struggling against her chains as sounds of battle continue. Buffy kicks Mort a few times, he hits her a few times and she goes down. He picks her up and throws her. She gets up and they exchange more punches and kicks. Mort grabs Buffy by the neck and lifts her off the ground. She looks around and notices a large unicorn statue nearby. She shoves Mort away, lands on the ground, grabs the unicorn and stabs him through the heart with it. He turns to dust. Buffy scowls at the unicorn, then shrugs and puts it down. Buffy strides toward Dawn, picking up the axe along the way. BUFFY: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home. (Strikes at the chains with the axe) DAWN: Yeah, well ... I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me. BUFFY: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, (another strike at the chains) that you got Anya hurt, (another strike) invited a vampire in, (strike) got kidnapped... Cut to exterior shot of Joyce's house, night. Cut to interior of the kitchen. Buffy and Dawn enter, moving quietly, looking around guiltily. Just as Buffy closes the back door, Joyce comes in the front door. JOYCE: Sorry it ran so late. Everything, uh, go okay? Buffy and Dawn look at each other. BUFFY: Yeah. Yeah, you know ... I got the vamps and we watched some TV. JOYCE: (smiles) Well, I know at least one of us who's supposed to be in bed by now. Dawn obediently kisses Joyce and exits. JOYCE: Night. BUFFY: So how was the exhibit? JOYCE: (opening the fridge) Oh, it was fantastic. We see Dawn looking back at them as she walks toward the stairs. DAWN VOICEOVER: Buffy probably would've gotten in way more trouble than me anyway. Cut to the magic shop, day. Dawn is sitting at a table writing in her diary. DAWN VOICEOVER: But I guess it was pretty okay of her not to say anything to mom. Anya's gonna be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me. So stuff mostly worked out. The camera pans over Dawn to the counter, where we see Buffy leaning against it. BUFFY: Giles, are you sure about this? Giles stands up behind the counter. GILES: Why wouldn't I be? BUFFY: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer ... and, have you ever run a store before? GILES: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. (comes out from behind counter) It'll give me focus. Increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. (he and Buffy walk toward the back) There may even be some space for you to train in the back. BUFFY: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year? GILES: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it. (Exits) Buffy follows him out, laughing. A moment later she reappears in the doorway. BUFFY: Don't. Break. Anything. Dawn gives her an exasperated look. Buffy goes out, then comes back in again. BUFFY: Just don't *touch* anything. (exits) DAWN VOICEOVER: Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would. Buffy reappears in the doorway. BUFFY: What you're doing right now, not moving? (Makes the "okay" sign with her fingers) Good. Keep doing that. (Exits) DAWN: She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who is having trouble getting along with her sister Dawn? A: Dawn; Q: Who is kidnapped by Harmony's gang? A: two inept attempts; Q: How many inept attempts does Harmony make on Buffy's life? Summary: Buffy is having trouble getting along with her sister Dawn , who is kidnapped by Harmony's gang. Harmony makes two inept attempts on Buffy's life, but fails each time and Dawn is saved.

[Darren's (a/k/a Shanda Leer's) apartment. His arm and foot are in casts. His face is battered, bruised and swollen. His eye looks really gross. Justin has brought him some food from the diner.] Darren: Better not be a parakeet in there, Jane! Justin: Huh? Darren: Obviously you're not up on your gay film history. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Starting the two greatest bitch goddesses in the history of the human race, Miss Joan Crawford and Miss Bette Davis. 'Miss Crawford and I neeever got along.' Justin: I neeever saw it! Darren: I suppose there's no point in even mentioning Esther Blodgett. Justin: I know that one. It's A Star is Born, right? Darren: Oh, thank God! He really is gay! Justin: Eat. Darren: No, thanks. Justin: It's tuna salad, not parakeet. Darren: I'm not hungry. Justin: You're gonna need your strength. Darren: For what? The doctor says I might have a permanent limp. That should brighten up my act! Justin: What are you listening to the doctors for? After they stuffed my brain back in my head, they told me I'd never draw again. Darren: Well, do you? Justin: Yes. For about 15 minutes, then my hand starts to shake. So I use a computer. But the point is - Darren: You went on! Justin: Right. So will you. Darren: You're so reasonable. I keep hoping when they catch my bashers, they'll sentence them to life in prison and they'll get f*cked nightly by prisoners with AIDS. Justin: That's gruesome! Darren: It doesn't cost anything to dream! When it happened to you, weren't you angry? Justin: I tried not to think about it. Darren: I can't stop thinking about it. I see their faces, their boots smashing into me. I even hugged this one guy's foot to my stomach, hoping it would stop him from kicking me. It didn't. Justin: If you're still holding onto that boot, then you're still on the ground, taking it. Forget about it. Darren: Listen, if you'd been reduced to jerking off with your left hand, you'd want him dead, too! [Darren laughs. Justin smiles and shakes his head.] [At the diner, Michael is whining about pain from an impacted wisdom tooth.] Debbie: What's the matter baby? Tummy-ache? Ben: What is it, Michael? Migraine? Michael: Impacted wisdom tooth. Debbie: But you've have them all extracted. Michael: Emmett doesn't know that. What possessed me? Why did I ever agree to go with him? Debbie: Because you're a goodhearted human being who would do anything for his friend. Michael: Because I'm a lame-brained doormat who doesn't know how to say now! Ben: It'll only be a couple of days. They're supposed to be a very empowering and enlightening experience. Michael: Well, if they're so empowering and enlightening, why don't you go? Ben: I have classes. There's Hunter - anyway, Emmett asked you, not me. Michael: I'm not going. No way. No way. [Enter Justin, back from his visit with Darren.] Justin: (to Debbie) Darren asked me to thank you for all the food you sent him. Debbie: I'll get what I can do. Ben: How's he doing? Justin: I'm afraid it's gonna be awhile before Shanda Leer appears in public. Debbie: Well, at least he has one ray of sunshine in his life! Ben: Tell him we'll miss him at the Center tonight, but we're gonna make sure this never happens again. [Justin leaves, Emmett comes in. At the sight of Emmett, Michael starts to launch into his sick act. Emmett sits down at the booth with Michael and Ben.] Debbie: Are you ready to find your inner fairy? Emmett: I do. I just feel like Thinkerburt and Captain Hook. Michael: Em, I - Emmett: Before you say anything, as we all know, I've been going through some really tough times lately. I guess you could say my headlights are on low beam. But if this faerie frolic will turn the brights back on, well - what the f*ck. I'll give it a try. Debbie: More power to ya, sweetheart. Emmett: Whatever happens, the important thing is, I will always always be grateful that your son - your boyfriend - my best pal could be there with me, offering his love and support. (getting all choked up). [Deb and Ben give Michael pointed looks. Mikey's cornered and he knows it.] Michael: Well, we'd better get a move on. Otherwise these faeries won't get their wings. Emmett: Bye, honey. Debbie: Bye. Bye, honey. [she waves with her wings.] [Meanwhile, back at the rehab center, Ted's in group therapy. Once again, Blake is leading the group.] Ted: So it was actually a good thing I left here that night. See, my condo needed dusting and I don't really trust my cleaning lady and uh... It gave me time to think about where I should be and what I should be doing. So I came back. Although it hasn't been easy and every day's been a challenge - Blake: But you did it. Ted: And now it's time for me to leave with clear eyes and my head held high. I guess that's what happens when you have a great counselor. And your health insurance runs out. [That gets a laugh. Then one of the other patients mutters something.] Blake: What'd you say, Jonathan? Jonathan: You'll be back. Ted: Sure, for group, as an out-patient. Jonathan: I mean back using. And then back here. Woman in group: Jesus, Jonathan, can't you be positive? Jonathan: It doesn't mean I have to laugh at Billy Crystal here doing his stand-up. It's not gonna be any different for you than it is for the rest of us. Ted: You're wrong. Jonathan: You'll find out soon enough. It's not the same world you left when you came here. Ted: I'm gonna be alright. I'll make sure of it! Jonathan: Well, just in case - we'll leave the light on for ya. [Cut to naked Brian and Justin in bed. Brian is lying on the bed. Brian is on the phone. As he's talking, Justin comes over and shakes his wet hair on Brian. Brian grabs him and pulls him down on the bed.] Brian: It's an interesting offer. Headhunter: "It's a first-rate company, Mr. Kinney. You'd fit right in." Brian: Interesting in that they think I'd actually agree to it. Two-thirds of what I was previously making, a lesser title, and no profit-sharing until the fifth year. Headhunter: "Times are tough, Mr. Kinney. It's a job." Brian: You mean indentured servitude . Headhunter: "So you're passing?" Brian: You can tell them I've just taken a new position. Bye-bye. (Hangs up). Justin: I can't believe you just did that. Brian: Flipped you on your back? Justin: Flipped off that headhunter. Brian: I can do better. Justin: Doing what? Brian: Working for myself instead of other people. Justin: But all your clients turned you down. Brian: f*ck 'em. I'll get others. Justin: What if you can't? You'll be destitute. You'll have nothing. Brian: (laughs) Since when did you turn into a Jewish mother? Or Michael? Justin: You're just taking an awfully big risk, that's all. Brian: Well, what's one more? Besides, if I don't do this now, I never will. [Michael and Emmett at the faerie gathering. They're in the woods. There are lots of naked men wandering around in weird costumes.] Emmett: Something tells me we're not in Pittsburgh anymore. Michael: Something tells me we're not on the planet anymore. [They're greeted by a faerie who introduces himself as Periwinkle] Periwinkle: You two must be virgins! Emmett: I haven't been a virgin since I was 15. Periwinkle: Well, maybe out there but in here, your life as a faerie has just begun! I'm Periwinkle - the Queen Registrar and Official Greet-ar. Michael: Periwinkle? Periwinkle: It's my faerie name. Every when you has one... Emmett: It's strong about real names. Periwinkle: Real names are fine for the real world but this is a special place. This is a magical place were you leave your real life behind. At least for a little while. So, take your time, get some cloth. So get settle in to your cabin, dinners coming up. Oh, there is a middle massage in the year. You don't miss that. Michael: See? Emmett: If we back up slowly, no one will know we were there. Michael: Hey, you dragged me here. We're staying. What's the worse that could happen? Emmett: That? [He's looking at two naked men walking together holding hands in the woods with paintings of lizards, etc on their bodies.] [Slings & Eros, a shop specializing in adult toys.] Brian: We'll start with a new logo, launch an aggressive ad campaign with the locals and set up some high-profile sponsorships. Trainer: That sounds bigger than we can handle. Brian: It's simple branding. Trainer: Our customers aren't into branding. Tattoos, piercings maybe. Brian: I'm talking about a new image. Trainer: I adore makeovers, but our ad budget's only $200 a month. Brian: (Grimacing) Great! Then we'll run a lean campaign. No fat! Trainer: Just like our customers. Perfect! [Brian looks like he's getting a headache.] [Ted is leaving the rehab. Blake, of course is seeing him off.] Blake: Just between us, around here we refer to Jonathan as D&G. Ted: Dolce & Gabbana? Blake: No, doom and gloom. Ted: He doesn't bother me. Blake: That's good. To be honest, he's not entirely wrong. A lot of patients do wind up coming back here. Ted: Not me. Blake: That's good. Just remember what we talked about. Ted: Give myself time to adjust. Blake: Not just you, but people in you life are gonna need some time, too. [They get to the front door.] Blake: Here we are. Ted: I never thought I'd be so scared to see a door. Blake: Don't think of it as a door. Think of it as a threshold to your life. Ted: Right. Well, I want to thank you for everything. Blake: You don't have to thank me. You did it all. Ted: With your help. Listen, I was wondering if I could well, give you a call sometime. Strictly on a professional basis. If I suddenly find myself standing on a ledge with a rope around my neck or something. Blake: Or maybe just to say hello. [Ted nods. Blake writes down his digits. Ted gives Blake a hug.] Blake: Good luck. [Ted walks over the threshold of the rest of his life.] [Cut to Cynthia, Brian and Justin at the loft. Cynthia takes a poster out of a portfolio and holds it up.] Cynthia: Recognize this? Brian: Yes. Remsen Pharmaceutical account. My last campaign. Justin: Before the old warrior was unceremoniously escorted from the building, without so much as a ballpoint pen. [Brian mouths the words along with him] Justin: So what does this magic pill do? Brian: Well, it's guaranteed to turn you into a hottie. You can climb the Matterhorn. It also reduces your viral load. What are you showing it to me for? Cynthia: Vance is taking your idea and pitching it to Remsen tomorrow. Brian: Well, he should. He owns it. Justin: But you thought it up. Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: once you sell your soul to the Devil, he holds the copyright. Justin: So come up with another idea. Cynthia: Then you can steal the account from Vance and your former assistant along with it! Brian: Well that's an ingenious plan, Cynthia. But what pharmaceutical company is going to trust their wonder weapon to a one - man band working out of his house? Justin: It's not the size that matters! Brian: Have I taught you nothing? Justin: It's the vision! If you can win this account, then you'll be back on top. Brian: For once, I'll stick to the bottom. [He picks up the Slings & Eros sign as he speaks.] [Back to wacky wonkers in the woods - or Camp Faerie Peri is showing Em and Michael the layout of the camp.] Periwinkle: You have to draw up your civilian dress to become true faeries. So the magic doesn't work. [He's taking yellow ball gown an say to Michael] You looking enchanting in this. Michael: Strapless makes me look fat. Periwinkle: Well then use your own talents to come up with something fabulous. Every faerie has a god given gift to take odds ugly and makin' in something beautiful. You'll soon discovered when you can do. So, I really must fly. I wait for you at candleling. If you care to join me, it down by the River. Emmett: Where is the book? Periwinkle: Make a way to the yard. Michael: When I agree to come here with you, I didn't agree to look like my mother. Emmett: Well, maybe Periwinkle's right and we put something on and feel the magic. [Emmett wearing a green turban and animal print dress. Michael in a sleeveless denim jacket red plaid mini skirt! ] Emmett: We look like Virginia Maye in "Sweet Woman". You know just let's forfeit their registration fee, and go home? Michael: Now you tell me? You look completly and ugly... men#1: Hot. [Two men come out of nowhere.] Men#2: Totally hot. Michael: It's just something I picked off the rack. Piston: I'm Piston. Wolfen: And I Wolfen... Michael: I'm... Dumpling. Piston: Hello Dumpling. Wolfen: See ya later, Dumpling. Emmett: Dumpling? Were you get that? Michael: It's suddenly came to me. Men#3: Yee, yah, wanna play? [They play naked volleyball!] Michael: This must be the naked bubbly ball game. Emmett: You're intuition are remarkable. [Michael immediately runs to check it out, while Em stays behind by his own choice.] [Cut to the GLC. Ben is leading a community meeting about Darren's bashing.] Ben: Thank you for you all to coming up here. I do now the police are still working to find the mens who attacted Darren. Melanie: In the meantime we met our contact officer who's look out for any one matching descriptions. Ben: Keeping that in mind we're like to think how can Liberty Avenue be safer and enviroment for all of us. Debbie: I never though I say this but the first thing we need is more cops on the street. Mel: We're already talked to the new police chief. He said he do his best. Man#1: Yeah, sure. We're already heared that one before. Lindsay: Let's send a petition to the major to demending something we're done. Man#2: We're need more lighting, especially on the side streets. Ben: You're idea, we will take note of that. Woman: We should wear little whistles around our necks that way if someone attacks us, all we have to do is blow! [There's a whistle from the back of the room. It's Cody. He's angry.] Cody: Like that? Mel: Would you like to say something? Cody: Who do you think will come running? Them? They cant even defend themselves. The cops? If a bunch of homo haters wanna beat the sh1t out of you, you're not gonna stop them by blowing a little whistle. Ben: Then what do you suggest? Cody: We protect ourselves. Patrol the streets. Lindsay: You mean a vigilante group? Cody: Yeah! The Pink Posse! Mel: Isn't that taking the law into your own hands? Cody: Which law is that? The one that says you can't get married? That if they find out you're gay, they can fire your ass? That you can't adopt kids? Hell, they can even arrest you for f*cking! Ben: That was changed. Cody: Riiight. You can now copulate in Texas. Whoa, yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay! [laughter] Cody: You think anyone would dare call a black man a nigger? And try calling an Israeli a kike! Man, they'd blow your ass right off the face of the earth. But they have no prob calling us fags. Why? Because they can. Because they know we're all sissies, that we're too chickenshit to do anything. So go on. Sign your petitions and write your letters. And blow your little whistles. But nothing's going to change until you fight back. Until you learn to say Don't. f*ck. With. Me! [He strides out. Justin looks impressed.] [At the diner, Deb rushes over to show Mel and Lindz the headlines.] Debbie: Did you see this? They actually caught the f*cking bashers! Mel: Mmmh, it's fantastic. Lindsay: I think it's wonderful and what's Justin worked. Justin: It's all thanks to Darren's description. Lindsay: I bet, he must feel relieved. Justin: More like bloodthirsty. Debbie: Well, we all know there's nothing more terrifying than a bloodthirsty drag queen! [Suddenly, a voice from the not-so-distant past. It's Ted, fresh out of rehab.] Ted: Hey Deb. How about a cup of coffee? Debbie: Sure, honey. Have a seat... [she noticed it's Ted] Teddy, hi! How you doin'? Ted: I'm doin' great. Debbie: You do look good. Lindsay: How did it go? Ted: I just get to rehab. It was probably the most significant experience of my life. The first day I was there, I was totally resistant. Furious, ashamed, certain I didn't belong there. The second day, I started accepting help. I went to group and individual sessions at the end , sharing the pain. The third day... Debbie: Honey, I'd love to stay for the whole seven days, but I've got a grilled cheese that's about to turn to cement. Welcome home! [Lindz and Mel, who have been fidgeting and looking at their watches, make their excuses.] Lindsay: I've got to get back to the gallery. Mel: I'd love to hear more, but Gus is waiting at daycare. Bye! Ted: OK. Bye. [He turns to Justin, who is still there.] Ted: Don't you have somewhere to be? Justin: Thanks for reminding me. Welcome back! [And Justin leaves. But wait...Brian is sitting at the counter. ] Brian: Well, I for one think you're to be commended. Ted: (warily) Well, thank you, Brian. Brian: What you've accomplished is an amazing achievement. Ted: I wouldn't go so far as to - Brian: To sink so low, to hit bottom with such a resounding thud! Ted: You should be a guest motivational speaker in rehab. Brian: Of course, the good news is, once you've hit the bottom, you can't go any lower. So that means there's only way to go. And that way is...? Rhymes with...? (he raises his coffee cup) Ted: Up? [Brian pats him on the shoulder and leaves.] [At the gym, Brian is trying to drum up more business.] Brian: I have an corrospondation campaign with Torso. A new membership here and a 10% there and you have a box full of queers. Trainer: Sounds like an interesting idea. I'll get back to you. [Ben and Hunter come in.] Brian: Batman and the new Robin! Ben: Better not tell the old Robin that. I just got Hunter a membership. Hunter: (to Brian) Ya wanna hook up in the steamroom? Brian: (laughs) Ah - yeah. (To Ben) He should fit in here just fine. Ben: We did not come here so you could hit on the guys and that includes Brian. We came here so you could stay healthy. Hunter: Too late for that! Ben: No, it's never too late to get in shape. Brian: Yeah, you want to develop that six-pack before you drink it! I can use that for the ad! Hunter: Why work out when I can take some meds and - kapow! [He's looking at an poster advertising an HIV med, featuring a buff guy.] Ben: Because it's better to build your immune system naturally. Hunter: That guy looks pretty healthy to me. Ben: That's not what HIV looks like. And the meds don't fix anything. They buy you time if they work. And then there are dozens of side effects. Skin rashes, liver failure, cardiac arrest. Brian: It's a little early to be freaking the kid out, don't you think? Ben: I just don't want him believing some misleading ad that makes it seem like all you have to do is pop some pill and you're as good as new. Anybody who's ever taken one knows what a crock of sh1t that is. [Ben and Hunter go off to work out, leaving Brian looking thoughtfully at the poster.] [Back to the wild wonders of willies in the woods. Em's sitting at the water's edge, watching as two guys have at it on the opposite side of the bank. And Em's not even happy about the sightseeing opportunity. Enter Periwinkle again.] Periwinkle: Mushrooms? Emmett: Sure. Why not? [Em eats one. And what fallows is view after view of a hallucinating Honeycutt, wandering in distraction through the flora and fauna of Mother Nature's backyard. Finally he runs out and sees an older man who's busy putting rocks into a circle - for a group bon fire to be held that night.] Ariel: Looking for the naked twister competition? Emmett: All other I looking for. Ariel: And how about giving me a hand here? Emmett: What are you doin'? Ariel: Important work. Emmett: Moving rocks? Ariel: Depends on why you're moving on? Hey, help my place them in a circle. You a new faerie, aren't you? Emmett: Aren't here, suppose I am. Ariel: What's your name? Emmett: Emmett. Ariel: I don't mean your real name. Back there I'm Harry, but here I'm Ariel. So, what's your faerie name? Emmett: I don't though about one. Ariel: What stoppin' ya? Emmett: I don't know. Ariel: I do. You don't believe in fairies. You think this is all nonsense, don't ya? Emmett: No, I don't! Really. [Pause] Yeah, I do. Ariel: Well, maybe you stop thinking that way and the faerie spirit comes to you. But somehow I doubt it. You see, I can always tell you, you are not one of us - a proud faerie. Emmett: I have want to be a very proud faerie. Ask anyone who knows me! My flame burns bright. Ariel: Right now it wouldn't toast a marshmallow... Emmett: It maybe a little low. Ariel: I guess you be hurt by someone you loved. Now all you can feel is anger and pain. Emmett: How do you know? Ariel: The way you though like that aren't fit. Which isn't by the way very flattering. Emmett: Thanks. Ariel: Hey, give me that. Emmett: Very strong for a... Ariel: ...old faerie? It's called faerie power. It's giving to you to survive. Sometimes we forget we have it. That's why the catering was start it. To help us remember, to celebrate. Emmett: What a aim to renew my spirit with a little working. Ariel: Cause you start looking for isn't here. Emmett: Then where is it? Ariel: There. The circle is complete. [At home, Ted logs onto his laptop to check his email, which is all from Dr. Crystal, of course. He goes to the kitchen, opens a drawer and gets out his pipe. He's saved by the bell. Enter Lindsay and Mel with his mail, Droopidus Orchidus and some groceries.] Lindsay: Hi, can we come in? Ted: Uh. Yeah, yeah, sure. Mel: We wouldn't to run away. Lindsay: We were just in a hurry. Ted: It's okay. I understand. Mel: So, you're alright? Ted: Yeah, fine, fine. Don't remind me. Lindsay: We brought Droopy back. You rename him because he's not droppy anymore. Look, he got a new buttom. Let's pretend the lesbian care. Mel: And you're mail. Lindsay: We brought you a few things you may need. Mel: Milk, coffee. [As they're putting away the groceries, they see the pipe.] Ted: I was just getting rid of my triggers. Anything that reminds you of what you don't want to be reminded of. In my case, well, let's just say I should move to a desert island and start from scratch. I don't want you to think I was - because I wasn't - Mel&Lindsay: no, no, of course not! Nobody said you were! [They don't believe him. Ted doesn't even believe himself.] [At Vanguard, Gardner is unveiling his (Brian's) Endovir campaign to the client, Remsen. The theme is "Back on top" and it's a lot like that ad in the gym.] Gardner: What is the end of view? Is it a drug? A pill? Or the latest miracle of medical technology? Of course, it's all of these things and more. It is the promise of health, of a future bright with hope, of dreams fulfilled. Of being (Cynthia unveils poster) "Back on Top". So we've designed a campaign to accentuate the positive aspects of being positive. A campaign based on one simple word and that word is - [Brian walks in. He always did know how to make an entrance.] Brian: - Bullshit? Gardner: I was going to say optimism. How the hell you know about the meeting? Brian: I'm the one who set it up. Before I left. Remsen: I like what you've done. Downplayed the disease , emphasized quality of life. Brian: I should be so lucky as to have HIV. Then I, too, could go play volleyball with my shirtless, hunky buds. [Vance whispers in Brian's ear] Gardner: If you don't get the hell out or I call the security. Brian: Regretfully, Mr. Remsen, I must be going. But before I leave, I'd like - with your permission - to show you a new campaign that I've designed based on one simple word and that word is honesty. Ladies and gentlemen, the real face of HIV. Gardner: (reading) "Some days I feel like hell. But at least I'm still alive." - "I don't want to climb a mountain. I just want to live another day." - "Sure, there are side effects. But nothing I can't handle." Remsen: You've got to be kidding! Brian: It's strong medicine. I'll admit that . Remsen: We spent six years and $50 million developing this drug! I personally worked my ass off getting it through the FDA. You think I'm gonna throw it away on some ad campaign that tells people they're gonna feel like hell? Brian: They already know that! And they're willing to accept it, provided your drug can buy them another year, another month. That's all they're hoping for, that's all they want. And that's all you can honestly offer. Gardner: Our job is to make your drug as attractive as possible to the consumer. And that's exactly what we did. Brian: You mean what I did. This was my idea and let me be the first to say - it stinks. Having HIV may not be a ride in the park, but with Endovir it's not a death sentence. So why don't you say that? [Remsen looks thoughtful.] [At Darren's apartment, Justin reads him the news article about the arrest of his attackers.] Justin: Isn't that great? They finally caught the M*therf*ckers! Now all you have to do is finger them - metaphorically speaking of course - so they can rot behind bars for 20 years. Or, better yet, get gang raped nightly by prisoners with AIDS. Darren: I was thinking maybe Chanda should go blonde for her comeback. Justin: Didn't you hear me? Darren: Of course I heard you. Gang raped nightly by prisoners with AIDS. Where did you come up with such gruesome thoughts? Justin: So when's the lineup? Darren: If you're referring to what goes on in the backroom of a certain club, I don't engage in such activity! Justin: I'm referring to the police lineup. When are you going to identify them? Darren: I'm not. I don't really have a very clear memory of what they looked like. Justin: But you're the one who described them. Darren: I guess I've forgotten. Justin: Well, maybe seeing them again will jog your memory. Darren: Look, I already told the police, 'Sorry, wish I could help but I really can't. Thanks for asking.' Justin: (angry) If you don't point them out, they're just gonna walk. Darren: I really don't want to discuss this any further. Now what's for lunch. Justin: Chicken! [Darren gives him a look. Justin relents a little.] Justin: Darren, why did you change your mind? Darren: I guess I had time to think. And I decided cowardice is the better part of valor. Justin: Nothing is going to happen! Darren: (angry) How do you know that? Say I identify them. Say they go to trial. Say they get off. Say they come looking for me! Justin: Say they're back on the streets tomorrow because you didn't do anything! Say they attack someone else! Darren: Look, you're the one who told me to put all this behind me, to get on with my life! Yes! I do think blond! Justin: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's time we stood up for ourselves. Fought back! Darren: And when your attacker bashed you, and then they got off practically scot-free, what exactly did you do? [Justin has no answer for that.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Ted and Blake at the diner.] Ted: I know I said I'd only call you if I was on a ledge with a rope around my neck, but I figured a curb and a scarf would suffice. Blake: It's no problem, I told you you could call me anytime. More coffee? Ted: No thanks. If I was any more wired, I'd light up Times Square. Blake: Be patient. You've only been back for one day. Ted: And I'm already a wreck. Look, I have sweety palms. I make my friends nervous. They don't know what to say. They see me, they wanna flee. They don't trust me. The think I'm still using. Blake: Same thing happened with me. Eventually, they came around and even forgave me. Except one. Ted: Your mother? Your father? Blake: (shakes his head) The first guy who ever believed in me. I never really made amends to him. Ted: Did you try? Blake: We'd lost touch. But recently, we reconnected. Maybe now I'll get my chance. [Cut to angry Justin drawing at the loft, crumpling up pictures in frustration. His hand is bothering him.] Brian: Since when did our heroes become the merry butchers of Gayopolis? Justin: Someone has to do it, since fags are too cowardly to stand up for themselves! Brian: Somebody's pissed off. Justin: Well, you would be too if you'd got your head bashed in. Brian: I know, I was there. I thought you'd put that behind you and moved on. Justin: I don't wanna talk about it. [Brian strokes his hair. Justin takes his hand and puts it away.] Justin: Darren refused to identify his attackers. They're gonna get off. When I told him to be brave, stand up for himself, he said to me, what did you do? I was a coward. I should have done something and I didn't. Brian: Well, you wanna get even? I'll tell you how to get even Become the biggest f*cking success you can possibly be. Justin: (disgusted) I already know. Brian: Well if you know, take that anger and put it into your work. Use it! Have more money, more power, more s*x than any poor hetero schmuck because trust me, nothing pisses off a straight guy more than a successful fag. Justin: You know Guernica? People say it's the most powerful anti-war statement ever made. I say bullshit. It hangs in a f*cking museum, collecting dust. And this is all bullshit. It doesn't do a motherfucking thing. [He crumples up the drawing he was working on and stomps off.] [Back to Blake and Ted. They're at Ted's apartment. Blake is helping Ted dispose of his "triggers." p0rn. f*ck clothes. A picture of some opera guy.] Ted: f*ck clothes! Ah, they stink! And these. Or my p0rn books and my p0rn tapes. Blake: Wait! How's Giuseppe Verdi a trigger? Ted: He was here watching the whole time. Blake: He was also here the first time you played La Traviata for me. I say we give him a reprieve. That it? Ted: Almost. [He gets the laptop.] Blake: You sure you wanna trash that? Ted: Never gave me anything but trouble. Hookups, p0rn sites, not to mention endless e-mails to increase my dick size. Blake: I don't recall that being one of your shortcomings. Ted: Even if I got rid of every trigger, every reminder, I'd still remember what I did. Blake: You gonna be alright? Ted: To tell you the truth, after rehab where they never left you alone, I'm feeling a little freaky being here by myself. Blake: I could stay with you, if you'd like. Ted: No, I couldn't ask you - Blake: If it'd make you feel better. Ted: Well, uh, where do we, uh - Blake: I'd crash on the sofa. Ted: Of course. The sofa - uh, I'll get you some blankets. [He goes into another room to gets some blankets.] Ted: Sleep tight. Blake: Yeah, you too. And if you need anything - [Ted nods. Goes into bedroom, closes the door.] [Back in the woods. It's a group circle bon fire. Everyone's passing a stick around and repeating, "I feel the power." Em rushes into the group] Emmett: Hold it! I take that, Dumpling. I feel the power, to. My name is "On A Clear Day You Can See Forever." It just overcame to me. You know what I mean. But you can call me Clear Day. Man#1: This is a heart circle, Clear Day. We share our feelings here. Is there anything you like to share? Emmett: Well, the truth is I donna want really come to here. But then somehow something magical happened. I realized that if it's true that faeries have the ability to create beauty out of ugliness and joy out of pain then that power come from one place. Which I know it's come from all along. Man#1: Thank you. Rise faeries. We thank the powers of the Earth and the Heavens for giving us our special gifts. We celebrate our faeries forfathers and the generations to follow. And our faerie folder Harry. Emmett: [whispers to Periwinkle] Where is he, anyway? Periwinkle: Harry passed away two years ago. [Cut to a focus group watching Brian's old ad and Brian's new ad. Apparently, First, the "old" ad.] moderator: So, how do you think about these ads? When you see this in the newspaper and magazine or on a billboard. Would you make those to ask your doctor to an interview? Man#1: Sure, if he gave me his phone number. woman#1: Pretty much the same old, same old. Man#2: Hunky white dudes having fun. Man#3: I get the message of hope. Man#1: And being on top. moderator: What about these? [She brings out Brian's new ads.] Man#1: You gotta be kidding! Woman#1: I don't believe it. Man#3: Who would run ads like these? Woman#1: It's the truth. Some days I do feel like hell. Man#1: But actually see that? Man#3: But you think you're ever gonna see that? Man#2: That is one ad you'll never see. Man#3: They wouldn't have the balls. [Brian and Remsen are watching the whole thing through a one-way mirror. Obviously Remsen was sufficiently impressed by Brian's presentation to take it one step further.] [Cut to Babylon and an overly long system of Emmett dancing. Apparently, his flame was ignited around the campfire at the faerie gathering and is once again burning brightly. At the bar, Brian, Michael and Ben look at Michael's pictures from the faerie gathering.] Michael: This is me and Wolfen and Periwinkle. And there is Emmett, I mean "Clear Day". Ben: Don't forget the cutie in the kilt. Brian: I think I got these on your Christmas Card. Ben: Didn't I say to you it isn't a life-time experience, Dumpling? Brian: Dumpling? Michael: That's my faerie name. And if you ever say about this... Emmett: Cosmo, please. Brian: Why did you do that? Emmett: Just try to spreat the magie. Ben: Maybe next year we all should go. Michael: Yeah! Emmett: Absolutely! Ben: Brian, how about you? Brian: I'd rather have my tongue super-glued to a lesbian's twat. Besides, I'm gonna be way too busy with my new business. And my new account! Michael: The Circus of p0rn account isn't exactly going to buy you a summer home in P-town. Brian: But the Remsen Pharmaceuticals account will! Here's to Kinnetic! Drinks are on me, boys! All: To Kinnetic! [Meanwhile, at Woody's, Justin is drinking alone, looking morose. He walks over to Cody, who's is at a table with his crew, doing what he does best: being angry.] Cody: Well, if it isn't Meg Ryan! Justin: I heard what you said at the Center and I agree. Cody: (unimpressed) That's nice. (Goes on talking to his gang) You need to understand, it's not about being a victim - Justin: It's about not allowing yourself to be victimized. [Now Cody realizes that Justin gets it. Justin is allowed to sit down with the cool kids.] Cody: (extends his hand) Cody Vail. Justin: (shakes it) Justin Taylor. Cody: Ready to kick some straight ass? [Black Screen.]

Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who starts his own ad agency? A: Ted; Q: Who struggles to re-enter life after rehab? A: their inner Faerie; Q: What do Emmett and Michael discover? A: Justin; Q: Who encourages a friend to fight back against his bashers? Summary: Brian decides to start his own ad agency. Ted struggles to re-enter life after rehab. Emmett and Michael discover their inner Faerie. Justin encourages a friend to fight back against his bashers.

Danny: God damn it. Dewey: What? Danny: Dewey, you ever think about wearing deodorant? Dewey: You saying I stink? Danny: All I'm saying is, you can't smell that, you best go get your nose checked. You girls ready? Danny: I'm about ready to kick your ass. Let's go. All right. We're done here. It's like we discussed... wait 30 minutes, then head out. Stay off the highways. No speeding... Danny: Drinking, s*x after midnight. You get lit up, you're just an employee of the hr towing company. You don't know sh1t about that cargo. Danny: Yeah, I got it, sweet tits. Yeah, well, you better. Now, where in the hell do you think you're going? Nah, I ain't smelling your ass all the way back to Kentucky. He's your kin. You ride with him. Don't screw this up. [ Engine turns over ] Danny: Told you. Carl's on his way. The boys ain't far behind. Darryl: Yes, sir. I told you they'd handle this sh1t. It's gonna be a good-ass morning. Boyd: [ Sighs ] I believe I can take it from here. Darryl: Old Jimmy's a bit of a cold fish, ain't he? Boyd: A tired fish, more like it, and I can't say I blame him. Darryl: Well, if you ain't too tired, I'd love to discuss something with you. Boyd: Well, make it quick, 'cause that couch you're sitting on is calling my name. Darryl: I like the way you handle yourself, Boyd. I know when a man is worth a sh1t, and you are. So I want to tell you this, 'cause I don't want no secrets between us. You know, full disclosure and sh1t. Boyd: Well, let me guess... Hot Rod's boys didn't pull no weapons on you? Awfully convenient you had a way over the border all cocked and ready to go. Darryl: Wait. You don't miss a trick, man. sh1t. Well, you know, we was just trying to make ourselves useful, you know. Boyd: Well, in the process, Darryl, you made yourself a liar. Darryl: But you an honest man, Boyd, hmm? A full-blown honest man? That why you pointing that gun at me from underneath that desk? Boyd: [ Laughs ] Darryl: There it is. I understand how you'd feel that way, Boyd, but you got to admit, we did deliver. Boyd: Well, it seems to me that that heroin's still 1,000 Miles away from being in my possession, which means you ain't delivered sh1t yet. Darryl: Well, about that. It would be a terrible shame if my brother Danny accidentally made a wrong turn with one of them trucks, and neither you nor me nor your partners want that. Boyd: So, what is it that you do want, Darryl Crowe Jr.? Darryl: [ Sighs ] I just want to be part of the goddamn family, Boyd. [SCENE_BREAK] Hi. I'm Kayla. Raylan: Raylan. Hey, those sound kind of alike, don't they? Kayla, Raylan. Raylan: I suppose they do. You gonna offer to buy me a drink, Raylan? Raylan: Whatever she'd like. I'll have a Tequila on the rocks, with three limes, please. Something nice, but don't put my friend here in the poorhouse. I read somewhere Tequila's the only liquor isn't a depressant. Raylan: Hmm. Also, pound for pound, don't give me nearly as bad a hang over. Raylan: Pound for pound, huh? My father was a boxing fan. You like boxing? Raylan: Not so much these days. I used to be a fan of those old guys. Thank you, sugar. Cheers. So, what brings you in here tonight? Raylan: Actually, I'm on vacation. Oh, can't remember the last time I took a vacation. Raylan: Hmm. What I wouldn't give to be lying on a beach somewhere. Raylan: Can I ask you something? Not gonna be much of a conversation if you don't. Raylan: Let's say you and I have been dating for just a little while. I bought you a bikini, invited you to come down to Miami with me to see my baby daughter... that be weird or forward or something? [ Chuckles ] I-I love Miami. A-and it's... it's so great you want to spend time with you daughter. Think I'd go with you right now, you wanted. Raylan: Oh, yeah? My rate is normally $1,000 per day, but for you... Knock it down to $500. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] [ Thunder rumbles ] [ Alarm chirps ] [ Sighs ] Yeah, I want to book a flight. ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ Trying to make it home ♪ ♪ Doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ Pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ You try to bogard ♪ ♪ Fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ Trying to make it home ♪ ♪ Doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ Pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Raylan: This would be easier if you'd just point me in his direction. [ Scoffs ] Marshal, if a D.E.A. Agent showed up in Lexington asking for information on a fugitive, there any chance you'd just open up your files to us? Raylan: I take your point. Besides, you want to know where Hot Rod Dunham's at, Miller's your guy. All right. Not too shabby. Mmm-mmm-mmm. There a problem, henkins? Alex Miller, meet deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, down from Lexington. Raylan: Is that a ruger? It's a gp 100. Raylan: Oh. I didn't know D.E.A. Still used revolvers. Well, they don't, officially. But a .357 will never let you down. Not like those glocks or Smith & Wesson 9's. They jam so bad, you can spread them on your breakfast toast. Raylan: No trouble with the double-action trigger? [ Chuckles ] Nothing a little oil won't make as smooth as a Bill Clinton apology. The marshal says some of hot rod Dunham's crew ended up dead in Mexico. Hot Rod hasn't operated South of the border in years. Raylan: The guys at Epic say differently. Hmm. Thanks for the tip. I'll look into it. I'll let you know what turns up. Raylan: If it's all the same to you, I'd like to tag along. Hmm. Uh, m-marshal Givens knows Hot Rod a little bit. So what? That's why your chief sent you, huh? Raylan: I'm on vacation, actually. Vacation? Raylan: Hmm. And you thought you'd come to Memphis and kick the hornet's nest, huh? Raylan: And have some ribs. And have some ribs, yeah. Sorry, marshal, I can't help you. Raylan: Okeydokey. I'll try Memphis P.D., local FBI, make a few more calls. I just wanted to come by as a courtesy, you know... do unto others and so forth. When I see Hot Rod, I'll tell him you said "hey." Marshal. Raylan: Hmm? I like to drive. I assume you're gonna tell SAC about this? I'll let you tell him, Henkins. You can tag along, if you like. Come on. [ Buzzer sounds ] [ Door opens ] Boyd: [ Sighs ] Well, I can't tell you what it means to lay these weary eyes on your beautiful, beautiful face. Ava: You look tired, Boyd. Boyd: I'm sorry about all this, Ava. Ava: It's not your fault. Boyd: You being properly looked after? Ava: [ Sighs ] Never thought I'd long for the Harlan county detention center, that's for sure. Boyd: Hmm. Ava: You ain't said anything about my hair. Boyd: Well, um... It seems to me you should have always been wearing it that way. Ava: I guess you've been busy. Boyd: I'm still just trying to take the necessary steps to secure our future. Ava: Our future? Boyd: I'm gonna get you out of here, Ava Crowder, I promise you. Ava: I need a favor, Boyd. Boyd: Name it. Ava: My friend is in trouble. She's gonna find you. Do whatever she asks. Boyd: Well, you know I will. Is there anything else that I can do for you? Ava: Just take care of her. You let me know when it's done. Boyd: Ava? [ Buzzer sounds ] [ Sighs ] Wendy: Are you making cocktails now? Kendal: Just messing around. You gonna yell at me? Wendy: Well, actually, I was hoping I could try it, you don't mind. Hmm. [ Sniffs ] Mmm. Well, that's pretty good. Come up with a name for it yet? Kendal: Yeah, I call it a "this place sucks." Wendy: Hey, I know this place isn't working out the way anyone hoped, but your brothers are getting together... Kendal: You mean my uncles? Wendy: Yeah. Them. They're working on something, supposed to bring in a whole lot of cash. As soon as I get my cut, we're gone. We can get a bigger place, get you set up in school. Kendal: Whatever. Wendy: Kendal, no "whatever." I promise you. Give it one week, you never have to see any of them again you don't want to. Who knows? Maybe we'll even get you a job as a bartender in one of them fancy clubs. Kendal: You got to be 21. Wendy: Get you a fake I.D. Darryl: Hey. Wendy: Hey. Didn't know you were back. Darryl: Late last night. Wendy: So? How did it go? Darryl: Smooth, like a stripper's ass. How y'all doing? Wendy: Doing good. Pretty quiet. Hey, Kendal, how about you get Darryl a plate? Darryl: And give me one of them ...Kendal: Café con leche? Darryl: Man, you quickly becoming my favorite person on the planet, you know that, Kendal? Wendy: [ Breathes deeply ] Darryl: I feel you all cocked and ready. What's going on? Wendy: You swear to me it went good? Darryl: Man, you said you didn't want all the details, to protect your precious law career. Wendy: I just want you to shoot me straight, Darryl. Darryl: It's real this time. We about to become goddamn rich, Wendy. Remember that phosphate mine? Multiply that by a hundred. Each. That straight enough for you, Wendy Crowe? Wynn: The shipment isn't even here yet, Mr. Crowder. Mexico was a near disaster, and now you're telling me that we have new partners. Am I wrong to find all of this disturbing? Oh, God. If they want a cut, they're partners, Mr. Crowder. Doesn't sound like we have much choice, does it? I'll see you then. What? The dope's not there? Wynn: It's on its way. Yeah, right, it's on its way. We just have to agree to this new gang of idiots' terms, right? Jesus Christ. Wynn: Hi, this is Wynn Duffy in 236. Could you send up another pot of coffee, please? Because this one tastes like my ass on Sunday. Thank you, dear. We'll go down to Harlan county, we'll play nice, and everything will be fine. Get some rest. That place can be exhausting. [ Siren wails in distance ] So, how you know Hot Rod? Raylan: He's been branching out... linked up with some folks I know in Kentucky. And you thought you'd chase on that lead on your vacation? Well, I was actually packed for Florida when I got the news. Florida? Raylan: Hmm. You don't strike me as a... Beach person. Raylan: My baby girl's down there. You got a kid? Raylan: Hmm. Jesus. What did you go and do that for? [ Clears throat ] Hey, w-w-what's the plan? No one heard nothing yet? Well, sh1t. Look at this duo. sh1t. What's up, Miller? You don't knock no more? Walked right by the security cameras for you. Somebody's asleep at the switch. Uh-huh. I see you know Kentucky. Mm-hmm. He tell you how he like to swing shovels? Well, you two must have made quite an impression, because now he wants to talk to the man himself. Oh, that's funny. So do we. All cLear. These D.E.A. Boys coming out the woodwork like roaches. Mm-hmm. Raylan: What did that mean, "so do we"? That means that we ain't seen Hot Rod in days, so maybe you two should keep doing y'all constabulating and let us know where he's at. Raylan: You wouldn't lie to us, would you, Jay? Look, man, we foot soldiers. We been here all day minding our own, and we ain't seen the crew in days. Raylan: You buying any of this? Not one bit, but there's other places we can look. Okay, you sit on these assholes. Do not let them call Hot Rod. We don't want him getting a heads-up we're coming. ♪ ♪ help you? Yeah, I'm looking for Boyd Crowder. Never heard of him. Look, I don't know if you playing me or protecting him, but I'm a friend of his woman. I promise you, he will want to see me. Let me see if the owner knows him. Boyd: That won't be necessary, Caleb. I'm Boyd Crowder. You'll have to forgive my friend Caleb... we know each other from the mines. A man spends that much time in the dark, customer service ain't one of his strong suits. My experience, a dog can be trained. A human can, too. Boyd: I didn't get your name, miss...? Rowena is just fine. It's a long way out of my routine to get down here, which means it's a long way home, so it's best we just get down to brass tacks. Boyd: Very well, then. Caleb? Please. Whatever you need, I'm at your disposal. Simple. Once a week, you get me 100 grams, pure as you can. I take a cut, give the rest to your woman. Boyd: Ava wants heroin? Guess you weren't expecting that, huh? Your girl's fitting to take care of herself, but first you got to take care of me. Boyd: Well, what did you have in mind? I had a partner, woman named Vernon. Worked with me at the jail, helped me bring sh1t inside. She was murdered. A man set fire to her house in the middle of the night and let her burn inside. You gonna get me my retribution. Look, I know what I'm asking ain't easy... Boyd: It ain't that so much. It sounds like this fella has it coming. [ Sighs ] It just bothers me that I don't know you, and you know a hell of a lot more about what my fiancée's doing than I do. Well, all you need to know, you want your woman to be safe, this what has to happen. How you think he feel being treated like that? Like a sh1t smear on they shoes? Humiliated. Shut up! Why you think that old, tired-ass, bourbon-soaked has-been Miller's on the hunt? That must by why everybody missing and why Kentucky down here. I don't know. Hey, I ain't gonna tell you guys again. [ Scoffs ] When is this little D.E.A. Punk gonna Learn how to wipe his own ass? When daddy says he can. You don't like the truth, do you, whipping boy? They keep you in the dark, whipping boy? All right. I'm just gonna chalk that up to you two being upset, what with half your crew dead in Mexico. Oh, yeah. Y-you didn't know that? [ Chuckling ] Yeah. Federales found them all shot up in their truck with traces of heroin. Long gone. Oh, I bet... I bet you two boys were expecting that heroin to come your way, weren't you? [ Chuckles ] You know what that means, don't you? There's a lot up for grabs. It's "now or never" time, baby. Mm-hmm. Hammer and anvil? Yep. Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey. Hey. Sit your asses down. God damn it, guys! You can't shoot us, dude. What you think it's gonna look like, you killing a couple homies in cuffs? Yeah, I will take the cuffs off after. You ain't got the balls to do that. That's Miller's department. Oh, yeah? Try me. Okay. Who you gonna hit first, huh? Ohh! Whoo! Down goes Frazier, baby! Down goes Frazier! Yeah! Hammer and anvil, baby. Hammer and anvil. Get the keys. Has he left yet? No, we still here. What's going on? The clock is running down. Boyd Crowder hit back. You tell Hot Rod. He give us where Boyd Crowder's at, and maybe he lives. What the hell now? Come on. Let's go. [ Laughs ] [ Groans ] [ Breathing heavily ] How do I know? You been with me damn near the entire time. Where he at? I ain't gonna ask again. Geez. All I know is he got a bar up in Harlan. That's a start. Where? Try Google. You son of... no, no, no! Okay, okay! Stop. I tell you what. You grab a pencil. I'll draw you a map. You can't find anything out there without a... a map. Raylan: I didn't know Hot Rod was a legitimate businessman. He ain't. It's just a way to move the dope. Raylan: Oh, but the dope in the tow car gives him deniability. It's an old trick, but it still works. [ Gunshot ] Gun down! Now! Aw, sh1t. Just like you to show up two minutes late. Hot Rod, what the hell have you gone and done? I got greedy. Raylan: Anyone else here? What are you doing here? Raylan: Johnny Crowder and three of your boys turned up dead in Mexico. At the hands of Boyd, no doubt. Damn crowders. [ Groans ] [ Coughs ] Miller. Yeah? You got the flask? Yeah. 911. What is your emergency? Deputy U.S. marshal Raylan Givens. We need an ambulance. You had this piece of sh1t ever since I know you. [ Chuckles ] It's cheap sh1t. What, old dog like you gonna complain? Old dog being put down. Oh, sh1t. Least I ain't dying in no jail cell, like your daddy. [ Groaning ] Drink up, old man. Drink up. It'll make you feel better. Go ahead. There you go. Drink it down. There you go. [ Breathing [ heavily ] Remember, I gave you that tip? [ Chuckles ] Turned out to be a... a D.E.A. Sting. You didn't even know what your own office was doing. Yeah. It landed me in some epic sh1t. Almost lost my job. [ Siren wailing in distance ] Aw, hell. [ Telephone rings ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ Knock on door ] Boyd: Afternoon. I'm sorry to disturb your rest, but the receptionist down the hall said that you're elmont Swain. You come to tell me I won the sweepstakes, are you? She sent you here, didn't she? Boyd: I'm just here to talk. Don't lie to me, boy. Show me that respect, at least. Boyd: She said you killed her partner. Them sending that poison into the prisons, making my poor Helena overdose. She was doing time for check fraud, for God's sake. Didn't deserve that. Boyd: Well, if someone killed my woman, I'd do the same. That's my Helena. Boyd: She's a beautiful woman. I got a bad heart, bad liver, and don't got long on this earth. But if you want to send me to her, you're gonna have to draw. Boyd: Well, unless you want to meet your maker this fine day, I'd take my finger off that trigger, elmont. But I will tell you this... killing an old man in a nursing-home bed ain't on my bucket list. In that case, you better turn around and head out of here. Boyd: Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, either. So we got a problem. [ Sighs ] How would you like to get out of here? Somewhere far away? I got the money and the motivation to set you up for life. Now, how about it? Won't you save us both a whole lot of trouble and agree to live out the rest of your days like a king, Mr. Swain? How much money? Well, I don't really give a sh1t, but I guess it's good news. Henkins has a concussion, but he'll be all right. Raylan: Rod was your C.I., huh? For the better part of 15 years. He'd tip me to his competition. Raylan: You let him peddle his pot. And you thought I was dirty, huh? So, with Jay and Roscoe after this Boyd Crowder, you got any notion of which way they're headed? Raylan: I might. It's still a D.E.A. Case, Givens. If you're headed over there, goddamn right I'm going with you. Raylan: [ Sighs ] Boyd: What's your E.T.A. Now? I told you, I need some for Ava. Let's say two hours. But I lost track of those idiots Danny and Dewey. Can't get them on their cells. Boyd: Well, keep trying. Dewey: It keeps sending us to the highways. Danny: Well, make it not. Dewey: Oh, God, this damn thing don't work. Danny: If we take this road, where does it get us? Dewey: Oh, I don't know. What road is this? Danny: Dewey, Dewey, I thought you knew these roads. Dewey: I know the highways. Danny: You don't know sh1t! Dewey: If it weren't for me, y'all wouldn't even be in... Danny: I'm in the middle of nowhere with a redneck that stinks like my ball sack, towing a car full of heroin that will put me away for two lifetimes. Now, unless you want me to set up a special meet and greet with our lord and savior, get this damn GPS working, you hear me? Dewey: Yeah, man, I hear you. Danny: Amen. [ Engine turns over ] Simple piece of sh1t. Help you boys? Your sure can. Y'all got maker's? Does the pope sh1t in the woods? [ Chuckles ] Doubles. Neat. [SCENE_BREAK] Ohh! Aah! God damn! No need to get rough! sh1t, take the money and go. The money? Oh, no, you got us all wrong. We looking for someone name of Boyd Crowder. The word is that this his place. Do you know him? No. No, I... Aah. [ Groaning ] Hey, man, take that sh1t out his mouth so he can talk, man. 'Scoe! Take it out. You were saying? Uh... Y-y-yeah, yeah, I know him. Oh, okay. 'Cause your boy killed our crew and took our drugs, so this the score. We gonna let the song play out to the end so you can think about that, then you gonna tell us where we can find him, or that'll be the last song you ever hear. He's not even here... shh! Song ain't over yet. [ Buzzer sounds ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Ava Crowder? You're scheduled for a hep-b shot tonight. Check in with the infirmary before lights out. You're Crowder? You're the bitch who messed up our supply? Ava: I'm working on it. Unless you got a gram shoved up your pussy for me right now, you ain't taking care of anything. Ava: I will have something soon. Something soon. "Something soon" means sh1t. You ain't got anything on you right now, it's time to catch cold. No, it's time for you to back off. This bitch is messing me up. Look at me. I said, "look"! Don't be preaching none of your goddess bullshit. You can cut her and you can cut me, but it's not gonna help you. Making this bitch bleed will help Learn her. This what you really want to do? You really want to cut someone? You want to cut me, then you cut me... really cut me. Don't do this half-assed, fiending bullshit to make yourself feel bigger and badder. That don't come from out here. You deal with that in there. The real fight is inside you, not out here. But if you want that real fight, we can always arrange it. You just say where and when. [ Women murmuring ] Don't mind if I do. Hey, Raylan. Raylan: Hmm? [ Thud ] [ Gasps ] [ Screams ] Raylan: Two men after Boyd? What? Raylan: Who did this? Those assholes! They shot next to my ear! I can't hear you! Raylan: Two guys looking for Boyd, right?! They did this?! Yeah. Raylan: Where are they?! The whorehouse! Hey, wait, man, I don't need this sh1t! Wait! What about me?! God damn! What the hell kind of place is this?! Darryl: It's real simple. Crowes want to be responsible for transporting your heroin across state lines. We already demonstrated our ability to successfully navigate the border patrols, and with the risk that assumes, we feel we entitled to 20% of the pie, which leaves plenty to go around. Wynn: That's it? Darryl: Just that we appreciate the opportunity, and we are excited to be a part of all your endeavors. Wynn: So that's it? Darryl: Yeah. Wynn: Well, I just have a few questions I'd love to get cleared up before we get into specifics. Darryl: sh1t, yeah. Such as? Wynn: Where are our drugs? Boyd: Carl's truck's already arrived. The other one's still en route. Darryl: They'll be here real soon. Wynn: Well, maybe we should wait until "real soon" to finish this discussion. Darryl: No, you ain't got to worry, Mr. Duffy. Everybody's gonna be just fine, trust me. Even if it arrives safely and we agree to go with you, 20% ain't happening. Darryl: Well, what would you consider fair for this kind of specialized labor? Wynn: 10%. And that's of what you actually deliver, not what you leave Mexico with. Wynn: There are three other partners involved in this enterprise. If we pay you 20%, then you're making almost as much as us, and that hardly seems fair. Darryl: Well, if you can't find someone to get your sh1t over here, y'all gonna be splitting exactly Jack sh1t. Yo, this Audry's famous whorehouse? It is. But we are closed. Damn. What happened, all the pussy ran out on y'all or something? We're fumigating. Fumigating? The whores? I knew you would like that. But seriously, though, I'm gonna need to take a peek inside. Seriously. If I got to tell you we're closed again, we gonna have a problem. You already got a problem. Meet Roscoe. Say hi, Roscoe. Hi. Why don't we say 15% and call it a day? For 15%, I'll smuggle it in myself. Darryl: So go ahead and do it, man. Stop wasting my goddamn time. Wynn: Something wrong? I don't suppose I got to tell y'all not to reach inside your coats or do anything accordingly stupid. Wynn: Can we help you gentlemen? I bet you can. Which one of y'all Boyd Crowder? Boyd: Who may I say is asking? Who? [ Chuckles ] We are. Boyd: Well, whoever you are, taking into consideration everything that's happened in the last 48 hours, I take it you're here for drugs or money or maybe revenge. Man, this dude! Yes. God damn, I love it. But you can keep the revenge. We'll just take the drugs or the money. In fact, I'll even let you pick which. Boyd: Well, that's mighty considerate. [ Chuckles ] Boyd Crowder's the man. Mm-hmm. Boyd: So, how about it, boys? What should we give them, huh? Half a mil? But why stop there? 'Cause y'all probably want the full mil, right? Or, better yet, we could just give you all our drugs, let you take that. How would that be for you boys? Don't do this, Boyd. Now, see, we was getting along there for a minute, right? So don't ruin it. Boyd: Actually, we might have a job opening. All you got to do is kill this fella right here, agree to 10%, and you can become our new smugglers. Darryl: Man, is you out your mind? Ain't nobody doing sh1t to me. Boyd: Or better yet, why don't we all just pull right now? Shoot this sh1t out, see what's what when the smoke clears, huh? Darryl: Boyd, cool out, man. I'll take 10%. Boyd: Shut up, Darryl. It's already too late for that. Darryl: Okay. Boyd: Come on, boys. Who's in? Raylan: Miller, would you call this a herd, a gaggle, or a flock of assholes? I would call this a united nations of assholes. Boyd: Well, that's funny, 'cause we were just discussing ratifying some sh1t. Raylan: Boys, we're gonna need you two to put them guns down. Boyd: Uh, Raylan, can I be excused from the table? Raylan: No, you may not. Boys. Reason not the need, marshal. Here we go. Raylan: I'm sorry? "King Lear"? Shakespeare? Basically, Lear split his kingdom in half and gave it to his two daughters, deal being Lear get to hang out and keep 100 knights. They agree, and then later, these two bitch-ass daughters, they change the deal. They like, "well, daddy, what you need with 100 knights? 50, 10, 5? What you need with one?" Lear says, "reason not the need." Hot damn! Reason not the need. Uh-huh. Raylan: I don't understand what these two are talking about, but I got to admit I'm interested. Well, in the analogy, we be Lear, and we just want what's rightfully ours, and then we out, never to be seen again. And, well, they the bitches. You can have them and they kingdom. Raylan: You two assaulted a D.E.A. Agent. And you got Hot Rod killed. Yeah, but that's all 'cause of these folks here. We handed them to you. You ought to be thanking us. No way either of you are walking out of here in anything less than handcuffs. I'm gonna give you three seconds, Roscoe. Drop the gun. Look, now, I know you upset over Hot Rod, but you know better than to push us, Miller. Whoa! Your brother threatened a D.E.A. Officer. Put that gun down, or I'll kill you dead. Raylan: Put it down. [ Groans ] Put it down. Raylan: Don't do it, Jay. Put it down. So, what now? Want to go hunt down some tow trucks? Raylan: I'm gonna head back to Lexington, enjoy some of this vacation. Yeah, I ought to do that from time to time. Take some time off, go see my kids. But somehow, that never seems to quite end up happening. Raylan: Thought you didn't have kids? No, I never said that. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] Take it easy, Miller. [ Engine turns over ] [ Tires squeal ] Boyd: I apologize for running late. Had a little hiccup with the local authorities. Really are a criminal, ain't you, son? Boyd: Well, I can't deny that, Mr. Swain. I still got my gun, you all try anything. Boyd: Relax, elmont. You on easy street now. Hell are you doing? Boyd: Well, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna take a piss. Nothing funny. Of course not. Jimmy, get elmont here his money. Ease his weary mind. Now, I'll be right back. [ Gagging ] It's done. Kendal: Four in a row. Wendy: Dang. Kid, you are sharp, I'll give you that. Kendal: What are we doing here, Wendy? Wendy: Just waiting for Darryl to make bail. Kendal: I don't mean that. Wendy: Look, we talked about this. We just got to stay put for another couple of days, all right? We are almost there. Hey. Everything all right? Darryl: No matter where you at, it's the same dumb-ass cops asking the same dumb-ass questions. What y'all playing? Kendal: Double solitaire. Darryl: You got another deck? Kendal: No, sorry. Hey, I said I ain't got another one. Darryl: Damn, son, what is you scared I'm gonna find? Kendal: Nothing, but that's my sh1t. Wendy: Come on, Darryl, what are you doing? Darryl: What you got? Pornos? Kendal: I ain't got nothing. Darryl: Gay p0rn? Wendy: Darryl! Darryl: Shut up. Ain't no pornos. It's close to two g's, man. You want to explain this? Kendal: It's mine. I earned it. Darryl: Oh, you earned it, huh? What, is you sucking dick in the trailers? Huh? Wendy: You best answer him, Kendal. Darryl: How you get all this? Wendy: Go on. Kendal: I stole it from the Johns that came in. Darryl: You... How you steal... I'm keeping this sh1t. Kendal: That's mine. Darryl: Ain't sh1t yours. When you grow... Kendal! Kendal! Man, what is wrong with him? Wendy: Well, maybe he's just looking for a way out. Darryl: A way out? Why you keep talking about getting out? Wendy: We both want out, Darryl. All right? This place just ain't right. Darryl: You sound goddamn stupid. I got one truck of dope here. Another one is on the way. We know the pipeline, we know the players. I'm fitting to kill three people. We gonna take over the entire heroin business in Kentucky. Wendy: I don't want that. I don't want no part of that. Neither does Kendal. I want my cut of what all you're about to get in, and then I'm gone. Darryl: You don't want that? [ Buzzer sounds ] Ava: I'm here for my shot. Go on and sit. Ava: You talk to Boyd? Skinny, little stick of a man? He able to satisfy all your needs? Ava: I think more important is whether he was able to satisfy yours. Well, yes and no. Must be nice to have a man to do your every bidding, 'cause he sure done this one real well. Ava: Then we're good. No. There's one more thing I need. Ava: Hold on. We had a deal. See, here's the amazing thing about you being the convict and me being the non-convict... you don't got any leverage. Ava: This is how you do business? This is why you didn't want Judith in on this? You cross her, too? No, the deal's still good. See, just one more condition. See, the first one was you helping me on the outside, and this is you helping me on the inside. Ava: Hmm. You want to hear it or not? It's no big thing. You just got to kill mother superior. Ava: Come again? You want your sh1t, you got to kill Judith. Ava: [ Groans ] Art: Jesus Christ. Is this real, or has early-onset dementia finally set in, and I'm starting to see you in my waking hours? Raylan: Got a tip. Art: Yeah, I heard that from the D.E.A. Sac in Memphis. Called to thank me for our assistance. Raylan: You're welcome. Art: So, what, you're filing reports on your vacation? That's a violation of the D.O.J. Employment guidelines. Raylan: The vacation was postponed. I got to take care of a few things first. Art: [ Scoffs ] Meaning, you can't go on vacation because you're working. 'Cause that's who you are, Raylan. Right? You're a working man. Raylan: You know, I might be on to something here, Art. Wynn Duffy mixing it up with the crowes? Art: Don't worry. D.E.A.'S already asked for your assistance. I'm not gonna take you off the case. Congratulations. You win again. Raylan: You say that like it's a bad thing. Art: [ Chuckles ] You know what? My wife is right... I'm the crazy one here, thinking that you're gonna change. I mean, what the hell's ever gonna do that? I've already torn you so many new assholes, you don't know which one's the original, but you're still the same guy that kicked up here from Florida. I tell you what to do, you do whatever the hell you want, somehow it all works out, and I'm the dumb-ass losing sleep over it. Raylan: I asked you to make a choice, Art. If you don't like the way I do things... Art: Well, I'm not gonna make that decision. 'Cause I don't have to, right? I've still got a week and a half. I'm gonna enjoy my time. Hell, why am I even talking to you? You're not even here. Raylan: Art, I'm here. Let's get to this. Let's just resolve this. Art: No. I'm still the goddamn boss, until somebody tells me otherwise. And if I say you're not here, you're not here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tires screech ] Dewey: You cut it with baby laxative? Danny: Hell, yeah. You didn't know that? Dewey: I dealt mostly with pills. Danny: Aw, yeah, man. I... I see cocaine, and I just sh1t my pants. Yeah, it's all cut with that sh1t. What's this cock-knocker doing, man? Dewey: I told you we shouldn't have taken the highway. Danny: Dewey, shut your goddamn mouth. Hey, asshole, Learn how to drive! Oh, you just barked up the wrong tree! [ Breathing heavily ] D.E.A., show me your hands. Danny: Dewey, how far you think that car is from here? Dewey: The hell you doing? Danny: Officer. How you doing? Is there a problem? Won't be, soon as you're down on the ground with your hands on your head. Danny: Oh, that's not necessary. I belive my weapon says otherwise. Danny: Ah, see you got your gun out. Ain't gonna work. You ever hear of the 21-foot rule? Matter of fact, I have. Danny: Certain kind of man would think that it's fake. Of all the harmful, epic bullshit on the Internet, 21-foot rule's top of the list, pal. Danny: [ Chuckles ] Why don't you holster that gun? I holster it, you gonna be the second asshole I shoot today. Danny: [ Chuckles ] I'll make sure to put that on your tombstone. Here we go. [ Tires screech ] Dewey: [ Screams ]

Plan: A: Raylan; Q: Who partners with a maverick DEA agent? A: Boyd; Q: Who makes a hard choice to protect Ava? Summary: Raylan partners with a maverick DEA agent whose bad behavior feels uncomfortably familiar, while Boyd makes a hard choice to protect Ava.

Scene: The apartment. Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make a decision. Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list. Amy: I'm sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable. Sheldon: Well, you don't like Princess Corncob, you don't like Fester, you're just impossible to please. Amy: We'll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine's Day. Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey. Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I've come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy. Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one. Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley. Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a. Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not? Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table. Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us. Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We've only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk. Amy: I got you your own room. Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub? Amy: It doesn't. I know it makes you feel like you're bathing inside a monster. Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I'm still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me. Amy: We're going to have Valentine's Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train. Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific. Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches. Sheldon: Wow. I'm feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we're good. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Bernadette: Are you sure you guys don't want to come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room. Penny: No, I think we're just gonna have a quiet weekend at home. Leonard: Plus, I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it's all for laughs. Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on. Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train? Howard: I'm sorry, what? Sheldon: Oh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing. Howard: I don't own a pocket watch. Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot. Raj: Since you two are gonna be around for Valentine's, would you mind watching Cinnamon? Penny: You have Valentine's plans? Which came out sounding way more surprised than I meant. Here, let me try that again. You have Valent... See? I can't do it. Raj: I don't have plans which is why I booked time on the big telescope that night. Amy: Well, an evening looking at the stars, that's still kind of romantic. Raj: Except I'll be alone. Amy: I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me. Leonard: We'd be happy to watch Cinnamon. Penny: Yeah. Raj: Thank you. Oh, and I'd like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have s*x, it's cool if she stays in the room. Penny: Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy. Scene: The Pullman dining car. Amy: What do you think, Sheldon? Sheldon: It's magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever. Amy: I'm so glad you like it. Sheldon: I'm prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard. Scene: The apartment. Leonard (on phone): Okay. Raj, I got it. Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy. He wanted me to say that he misses... Why am I doing this? Penny: Happy Valentine's Day. Leonard: Ooh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody's trying to get me out of my panties. Penny: Don't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. It came that way when I bought it. Leonard: Got you a little something, too. Penny: Aw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers tickets? Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it. Penny: Aw. You are the best boyfriend ever. Leonard: Thank you. Seriously, please don't make me go. Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom? Leonard: Mm, don't have to, we have the whole place to ourselves. Penny: Oh, that's true. Leonard: In fact, if you want, we can do it right here on Sheldon's spot. Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone's ever said to me. Leonard: To the bedroom. Penny: Yeah. Scene: The dining car. Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight's special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions? Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? Waiter: I'm sorry, I meant questions about the food. Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? Amy: Uh, I think we're gonna need a minute. Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it's neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you'll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle. Sheldon: Get out of town. Howard: Fun fact, I'm gonna jump off this train. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Hey, Cinnamon, guess who just did it human style. Penny: Oh, my God. Leonard: It's a little late, but I'll take it. Penny: No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That's really bad for dogs. Leonard: Oh, crap. What are we gonna do? Penny: We gotta get her to a vet right now. Leonard: I don't have a vet. I have a podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a dermatologist, a urologist. You'd think I'd have a vet. Penny: Okay. There's one not far from here. Come on. Let's go. Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch. Scene: The dining car. Sheldon: Do another one, do another one. Man: Okay. Here's my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Sheldon: It's like there's a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I've got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo. Man: I've been on that train. And I just was again. Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud. Sheldon: How many trains have you been on? Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains. Sheldon: Wow. Your life's amazing. Man: Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains. Amy: Why do I even try? Bernadette: I'm gonna fix this right now. Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident. Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her. Sheldon: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us. Man: All right. Bernadette: Great. Now there's two of 'em. Scene: A vet's surgery. Lady Vet: How much chocolate did she eat? Penny: A whole box. Leonard: Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it before you gave it to me. Penny: So the point is I may have saved her life. Vet: I'm sorry, is this a joke to you? Leonard: No. Maybe to her. Vet: How big a box of chocolate was it? Penny: Uh, something like this. I don't know. It came free with a full tank of gas. Leonard: Really? Do you know how much those Lakers tickets were? Penny: Do you know how much gas is? Vet: Hey. Penny: Sorry. Leonard: Sorry. Raj: Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay? I can't believe you two. You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs new organs, I'll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts. Vet: You're the owner? Raj: Owner, father, soul mate, and if anything happens to her, your worst nightmare. Vet: Well, she's not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I'm gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins. Raj: Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she's scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don't do Firework, that gets her all riled up. Vet: Got it. Should have been a dentist. Scene: The dining car. Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built? Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one. Man: Or was there? Sheldon: What? Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four. Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four? Howard: A world I don't want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world. Man: Hold on to your conductor's hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made. Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy? Waiter: Better than you think. Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they'll let you visit the engine room. Sheldon: I never want this day to end. Amy: It's feeling like it never will. Sheldon: Come on. Man: Hey, did I tell you what happened to me at UPS? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The vets surgery. Raj: As if Valentine's Day wasn't bad enough, you try to kill my dog? And with cheap chocolate, no less? Penny: It wasn't cheap. It was free. Leonard: We're really sorry. It was an accident. Penny: Yeah, we weren't even out of the room that long. Leonard: Oh, no, come on. It was a while. It was a while. Raj: Oh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay? Vet: She's responding well. We just want to keep her a little longer for observation. Raj: All right. Uh, would, would it be okay for me to see her? We're usually in bed by now, and I want her to know that I'm here. Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we spoon. Vet: It's okay. I sleep with my dog, too. We're not supposed to let people in back, but I think I can make an exception. Raj: Thank you. Vet: Come on. By the way, I sang her Katy Perry. Raj: Oh, yeah? Vet: And I don't care what that obnoxious parrot back there says. I crushed it. Penny: I think there's something going on between the two of them. Leonard: Maybe, but you also think nine minutes isn't a while, so what do you know? Scene: The dining car. Howard: You okay? Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend's off playing choo-choo with some weirdo? Howard: Well, to be fair, they're both weirdos. Amy: I don't know what made me think tonight would be any different. Bernadette: Well, just the fact that you got him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I bet Howie 200 bucks it wasn't gonna happen. Howard: I'm going to the Lego store to get a big-ass R2-D2. Bernadette: See? It's not just Sheldon. They're all idiots. Howard: She's right. Bernadette: So, your boyfriend's a fixer-upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at this guy. You think he came like this? When I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now, he's been to space. That's all me. Howard: I had a little to do with it. Bernadette: Oh, sure you did. Who's Mama's big space man? Howard: I am. Scene: The vets surgery. Leonard: They've been in there, like, half an hour. Penny: Yeah, for future reference, that's a while. Leonard: How long should we stay? Penny: I don't know. I'm kind of hungry. Leonard: I saw a Thai place next door. Penny: Oh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey. Leonard: How's she doing? Penny: How is everything? Leonard: Yeah. Raj: She's gonna be okay; they're gonna let me take her home. Penny: Oh, good. Vet: So I want you to keep a close eye on her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few warning signs to look out for, and if you see any of them, don't hesitate to call. Raj: Oh. Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl. Vet: My pleasure. Have a nice night. Leonard: Yes, thank you for all your help. Penny: Yeah. I'm sorry if you didn't think we were taking it seriously. We love animals. Vet: Oh, do you guys own any pets? Penny: No. Vet: Good. Scene: The dining car. Howard: I love you so much. Bernadette: I love you, too. Howard: Sorry. Bernadette: Sorry. Man: You guys missed a pretty great time. Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. Man: It was crazy. Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us. Amy: Okay. I need to speak to my boyfriend in private, like, right now. Howard: There's a car with a glass roof. Want to go look at the stars? Bernadette: Oh, that sounds so romantic. Amy: Oh, give it a rest. Bernadette: Let's go. Amy: Why are you still here? Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you're being a little rude. Amy: I'm being rude? You've been rude to me this entire evening. Sheldon: How is that possible? I've hardly spoken to you since we got on the train. Man: I'm detecting a little friction between you two, and I don't want to be a third rail. Get it? Sheldon: I get it. Amy: Leave. Sheldon: What is your problem? Amy: It's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me? Amy: Fine, it's true. I deserve romance, and I didn't know how else to make it happen. Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let's gaze into each other's eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win. Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon: Let's see. What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic. Amy: That was nice. Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing. Amy: Okay, have fun. Sheldon: Do you want to come with me? Amy: Really? I do. Man: Hey, guys, wait up. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let's see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine's Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I'd known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I'll point out her name's Yvette, and that she's a vet. That's hysterical. She'll love it. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: Oh, hey. You're back. How was your trip? Sheldon: It was wonderful. Leonard: Great. What did you do? Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night. Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna need more details. Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend's name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude. Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you? Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite. Leonard: Well, give it a go. Sheldon: I can't answer that without collecting additional data. Leonard: Additional data. You dog. Sheldon: I'm not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.

Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who planned the trip on the Napa Valley Wine Train? A: a romantic Valentine's Day; Q: What kind of Valentine's Day did Amy plan? A: dinner; Q: What meal does Amy plan for Sheldon? A: Bernadette; Q: Who is Howard's wife? A: Eric; Q: Who is Sheldon's new friend? A: trains; Q: What is Sheldon crazy about? A: the trip; Q: What did Amy propose in the first place? A: her trick; Q: What does Amy confess to Sheldon? A: romance; Q: What does Amy say she deserves? A: her various sarcastic romantic gestures; Q: What does Sheldon offer Amy? A: wine; Q: What does Sheldon drink? A: a real one; Q: What kind of kiss did Sheldon and Amy share? A: physical contact; Q: What does Sheldon initiate between him and Amy? A: the intimacy; Q: What does Sheldon seem to like? A: the train's engine; Q: What does Sheldon invite Amy to see? A: Penny; Q: Who gave Leonard chocolates? A: Raj's dog Cinnamon; Q: Who did Leonard and Penny lose? A: an outraged Raj; Q: Who is outraged? A: Yvette; Q: Who is the vet? A: both own dogs; Q: What do Raj and Yvette have in common? A: her phone number; Q: What does Yvette give Raj? Summary: Amy plans a romantic Valentine's Day for her and Sheldon by having dinner with Howard and Bernadette on the Napa Valley Wine Train. Sheldon finds a friend in Eric who is equally crazy about trains, ruining Amy's plan. After she confronts him, Sheldon points out that Amy proposed the trip in the first place, prompting her to confess her trick and say she "deserves romance". Sheldon gets angry and offers her various sarcastic romantic gestures, including drinking wine, staring into each other's eyes, and kissing; however, the supposedly fake kiss becomes a real one, marking the first time Sheldon initiated physical contact between the two. Sheldon even seems to like the intimacy, as he invites Amy to visit the train's engine with him. While Leonard and Penny are supposed to be sitting Raj's dog Cinnamon, she eats the chocolates Penny gave Leonard. They rush her to the vet and are joined by an outraged Raj, who connects with the vet, Yvette, since both own dogs and disapprove of what Leonard and Penny did. At home, a surprised Raj discovers she gave him her phone number.

ACT ONE Scene One - Cafe Nervosa Niles and Frasier are sat at a table together. Niles is ordering his coffee from Eric the waiter but Frasier just can't seem to get his. Niles: Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache. Eric: Cinnamon or chocolate on that? Niles: Oh, they make this so complicated. Um, cinnamon. Eric: [to Frasier:] And you? Frasier: Well let me see, I think I'll have the... Daphne enters the cafe and goes to the counter. Niles: Oh look, it's Daphne. Daphne! Frasier: Daphne. Daphne: Oh, hello, thought I might run into you here. Oh please, sit, sit. I just stopped in for a bag of beans, we're running low at home. Frasier: Oh, well good. [to Eric:] You know, I'd like... Eric: [intervening:] I'd be happy to help. Daphne: Two pounds of... Eric: [with Daphne:] The Kenya Blend. Daphne: Ho-ho, you remembered. Eric: Hard to forget. [Niles looks jealous.] Frasier: Excuse me, you haven't taken my order yet. Eric: [ignoring Frasier:] Most people find that blend too intense. Daphne: Not me, I like something that holds its body on my tongue. Niles, seduced by the language, spills cream all over the table. Frasier: Excuse me, we seem to have spilled something here. If you could... [Eric just throws down a dishcloth.] Eric: I don't suppose you would be into something robust, if it didn't come on too strong. Daphne: If it was a little bit sweet I might take a liking to it. Eric: Would you like to step over to the counter and try my special blend? Daphne: I'd love to. They go to the counter. Frasier: [shouting:] Oh, nothing for me, thanks! Niles: Frasier, that man is hitting on our Daphne! I don't know how she stands it. Frasier: Niles... look, apropos of nothing, how are things between you and Maris? Niles: Are you implying that my concern for Daphne's welfare is anything less than pure? Frasier: I don't know, you tell me. Niles: Frasier, that is your great shortcoming. You're always distrustful, you're always suspicious. Sometimes you just have to have faith that people are all right- [spies on them] what's he doing now!? Frasier: I believe he's bagging her beans. Niles: [interpreting this his own way] Oh! Daphne comes over, excited. Daphne: Oh, I'm so excited! Eric over there is taking me to a club to hear his band tonight. Oh, I know it's not my regular night off but I'll switch it with Saturday, if that's OK with you. [Niles shakes his head "no" at Frasier, who ignores him] Oh, isn't he lovely? I already have a nickname for him, "Eric The Red." It favours him, doesn't it? Don't you think he looks like a Viking? Frasier: Well... Daphne: Well, ta-ta! [turns to leave, but stops] Oh, look at me, I forgot my beans. Earth to Daphne! She runs out. Niles is beside himself. Niles: How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him. Frasier: Niles, you know, this infatuation with Daphne is really getting out of hand. I didn't really mind when it was just a flirtation, but I can't help wonder that this is symptomatic of something wrong between you and Maris. [Niles is silent] Well, is it? Niles: Oh... Frasier, I can't lie to you. The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness. Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit. Niles: You mean... boudoir-wise? Frasier: Well, for starters, yeah. Niles: Like how? Frasier: Well, the two of you could... [Niles leans forward expectantly] Well, you could... well it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - KACL The next day, Frasier enters Roz's booth before his next radio show. Roz is stacking carts. She's in a bit of a bad mood. Frasier: Oh, hi Roz, how are you? Roz: Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you. Frasier: Well, I was just making conversation. But actually, Roz, there's some advice I need. Roz: About what? Frasier: A subject in which you're quite well-versed, s*x. Roz: [losing all her troubles:] How can I help you? Frasier: What do you do when... when the romance goes out of a relationship? Roz: I get dressed and go home. Frasier: All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship; what would you do to keep things cooking? Roz: Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot. [chuckles at the memory] Frasier: So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing? Roz: Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman. Frasier: I'm sorry. Roz: Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her. My point is that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator. Frasier: Roz, this is not for me, it's for my brother Niles. Roz: Oh! Well in that case, make it a gladiola. [SCENE_BREAK] AHOY MATEY! Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. It's late at night and everyone is fast asleep in the Crane household. But someone is insistently ringing the doorbell. Frasier rushes out of his bedroom, donning a dressing gown. He turns on the lights and looks through the peephole. Frasier: Niles! He opens the door to Niles, who is dressed in a long raincoat. Frasier: Niles! Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier, but something horrible has happened. Maris kicked me out. Frasier: Dear God, why? What for? For answer, Niles takes his raincoat off, revealing pirate attire: white puffy shirt, knee-high boots, and bright orange pantaloons belted with a golden swash (plastic dagger included). Frasier: Oh, my. Martin: [entering:] What's going on out there? Niles? Niles: Hello, dad. Martin stares at him for a long beat. Martin: Never mind, I don't want to know. Niles: No dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed. Frasier: Alright, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time. Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me. Martin: Dressed like that? Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-? Frasier: Stop! Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash. Martin bursts out laughing. Niles: Dad? Dad, it's not funny. Martin: Where'd you come up with such a stupid idea? Niles: Frasier! Frasier: All I suggested was some sexual role-playing, you're the one that came up with "Pirates of the Caribbean"! Niles: [sinks into a chair] Oh, I've really bungled it this time, haven't I? Martin: Oh come on, these things happen. Look, why don't you just stay here tonight with us and then tomorrow you and Maris can sort things out. Niles: What if we don't? What'll I do then? Frasier: Well, I suppose they could always use another busboy at the "Jolly Roger"! Laughing, Frasier goes to the hall. Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again. Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember. He laughs again. Niles glares at him. Martin: Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear? Niles: Only every Thanksgiving. Martin: Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year! He laughs a third time, causing Niles to throw his hands up and pace the room in exasperation. Frasier: [entering with pillow and blanket:] Here we are, Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night. Niles: How perfect! Martin: I still say a couple of years in the service would have done you two boys a world of good. Goodnight. [he leaves] Niles: Goodnight. You know, Frasier, Maris and I have had our difficulties before, but never anything this serious. I really feel terrible having her mad at me. It's times like this I wish I knew how to cry. Frasier: Well, don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles. Niles: No, no, it's not that, I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris's Uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral. Frasier: You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well, goodnight Niles. Niles: Goodnight. Frasier turns the lights out and leaves. Niles lies on the couch but yelps suddenly. Removing a plastic hook from his belt, he gets comfy again. Daphne and Eric come in from their date. Niles hides under the covers. They don't notice him. Daphne: Well, thank you again, Eric. I had a wonderful time. Eric: Me too. Niles peeks over the couch and sees Daphne and Eric kiss. Daphne: Well, Goodnight. Eric: Goodnight. Niles hides again. Daphne closes the door, leans against it, and sighs. She goes to her room. It isn't long before Niles is in floods of tears. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. The following morning, Eric is the only thing Daphne's thinking about as she's serving coffee to Frasier and Martin. Daphne: I know we've only had a few dates, but I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat, and I bought myself all-new underwear! [exits to kitchen, giggling] Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to! Frasier nods. Niles enters in a dressing gown. Niles: I just got off the phone with Maris. She's in Arizona for the weekend. Frasier: Why? Niles: Well, she said she was so shattered by the experience she had to fly to her favorite spa to contemplate the future of our marriage from a mud bath. Daphne: Well, it'll probably be good for Mrs. Crane. Eric thinks the earth is very grounding. Niles: Eric, Eric, Eric! Must everything always be about Eric?! Frasier: Niles. May I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group... Martin: Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, all Maris needs to know is that you love her. Buy her some flowers, fix her a nice romantic dinner when she gets back, that's enough to make any woman forgive you. Niles: You really think that will work? Martin: If it didn't, you wouldn't be here! Niles: Well, I'd be willing to try, but it's impossible. Our cook walked out in sympathy with Maris. Daphne: Well, I could help you prepare something. I have a late date with Eric... [Niles turns round angrily:] -a. An elderly Aunt Erica, but I could come over early and have everything ready by the time Mrs. Crane arrives. Niles: Well, thank you, Daphne. Daphne: Now, what do you think Mrs. Crane would like for dinner? Niles: Oh, you have free reign. Just bear in mind she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts? Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied! End of Act One (Time: 10:30) Act Two IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT [Black screen, then:] NO, REALLY Scene One - Maris's Mansion - Night The living room of Maris's gothic mansion. There is a grand piano, a fireplace, and a stairway to the upper floor. A small table for two is set in one corner, with an open bottle of wine. Outside the rain is pouring, with lighting and thunder. Niles, wearing a red smoking jacket, ushers in Daphne, wet and shivering. Niles: Come in Daphne, and warm yourself by the fire. How did you get so wet? Daphne: One of your trees blew down in your driveway. I had to walk the last hundred yards. [Niles takes her coat.] I must say, you have a beautiful home. Niles: Oh, well thank you. Actually, it was in Maris's family for four generations. When I was an mere intern I used to drive through these hills, never dreaming that one day I'd live in one of these great mansions. Then one afternoon, there was Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the gates with her little fists and a tire iron. Daphne: [now by the fire:] They'd locked her in? Niles: No, no, that was much later. No, this time she was returning from the antique mart with a rare bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath, when the gates failed to open. So naturally I stopped to offer my assistance, and as our hands touched there was a sudden spark of electricity, then as if by magic the gates parted before us, and we took it as a sign. Daphne: You knew you were meant to be together. Niles: Yes. We were married just three short years later. Daphne sits on the couch and notices an antique musical clock. Daphne: Look at this, it's beautiful! Niles: It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Zürich. [sits next to her] I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times. It used to play beautiful music, and now it doesn't. How's that for irony? [rises] Well, let's get you into some dry clothes, so you can get started on dinner, and we can get you home in time for your date! He goes to the staircase. Daphne begins to cry. Niles: Daphne? [comes back] What is it? Daphne: Nothing. Niles: No, no, it's definitely something. I'm a psychiatrist, I can read the signs. Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spoil your reunion with Mrs. Crane, but... Eric broke up with me. Niles: [sits down to comfort her] He did? Daphne: Yes. He said he couldn't commit to me and his music. He had to stay focused. I knew it was an excuse - I've heard his music! He must have another girl. She breaks down sobbing and buries her head in his chest. He puts his arm around her. Niles: Well, he's a fool, Daphne, and if he can't appreciate you then you're better off without him. Daphne: Right now, I'm not so sure, but thank you, Dr. Crane. She's never been this close to him before. He can't help reaching out to stroke her hair. The phone at his elbow rings, and he puts a finger to his lips to silence it, but then thinks again and picks up. Niles: [answering:] Niles Crane. Oh, Maris! He jumps up, causing Daphne to tip over and bump her head. Niles: Where are you? What do you mean you can't come home? Well, it's not that bad a storm! Thunder and lightning strike at once to contradict him. In front of him, Daphne bends over before the fire and brushes out her hair. Niles: [overcome] Oh Maris, I really think you should come home. No, no, well of course I don't want you traveling if it's not safe. Yes, yes, I understand. I'll see you tomorrow. [puts phone down] Well, it seems like it's just the two of us. Daphne: You mean Mrs. Crane won't be coming? Lightning strikes again. The lights go out. Daphne: Oh my, there goes the electricity. What do we do now? Niles puts a finger to his lips very seriously, as if he's thinking about his lifelong dream. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Later, Martin is on the phone to Daphne. Frasier is reading on the sofa. Martin: No, no, the storm's really bad. You shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [puts phone down] Frasier: You told her to spend the night? Martin: Yeah, what's the problem? Frasier: Well, you know how Niles feels about her. Martin: Oh, relax. It's just one of Niles's little crushes. Frasier: Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house. Martin: Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona. Frasier: I've gotta get Daphne out of there! He jumps to his feet and grabs his coat. Martin: Why?! Frasier: Why? My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors! Martin: [grabs his coat] Wait for me! Frasier: Oh, Dad, Dad, you're not coming! Martin: Yes, I am! Frasier: No, you're not! Martin: I am! Martin and Frasier leave the apartment, still arguing. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Maris's Mansion. Meanwhile, the gothic atmosphere continues as Niles plays heavily on the piano. As if to complete it, Daphne comes downstairs wearing a frilly white silk peignoir with matching capelet, carrying a lit candelabra. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, you play beautifully! Niles: Thank you. He turns to look at her and goes completely off key. Then he recovers and plays a "de-de" finale to cover it up. Daphne: I found this in the upstairs guest room, I hope it's alright. Niles: I-I thought you were going to put on some of Maris's clothes. You know, something bulky from her wool collection. Daphne: Well yeah, I was, but she's quite a bit smaller than me. [lifts the capelet, showing her bare shoulder] This is all I could find that fit. Should I go look for something else? Niles: No - yes - no... [sits down on the piano keys, then stands back up] oh, you know er... No, the important thing is that it's big enough, [strokes his hands down her arms] and warm enough, [strokes it again] and sssssilky enough, [strokes it a third time] and... [starts to stroke it again and stops] I have to make a phone call. He runs up the stairs. As Daphne bends over the rail to watch him go, he makes sure to stop and lean over to steal a glance at her backside. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. At Frasier's apartment, the phone is ringing, and the machine answers. Frasier: [on machine:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening. [beep] Niles: [on machine:] Frasier? Frasier! I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn! [hangs up] As he speaks, Eddie perches on a chair, staring at the machine. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Frasier's BMW. Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are driving to the mansion of the damned. Martin: This is stupid. Frasier: It is not. Martin: Look, nothing's going to happen between them anyway. Frasier: What if it does? He's my brother and he loves his wife! Now, now, I know, I know their marriage is not exactly everyone's cup of tea. But on some twisted, bizarre level it seems to work for them. If Niles ever did anything to hurt to his marriage, he's the one who'd suffer. He's my brother and I won't let him suffer! Martin: Hey, slow down! You're going to miss the turn onto Roosevelt. Frasier: Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you would not give directions. Martin: I'm not giving directions, I'm just telling you which way's faster. Frasier: Roosevelt'll add ten minutes. Martin: In sunshine. In rain it's faster! Frasier: Oh what, spatial relationships change when it rains?! Martin: No, you've just got better traction on Roosevelt. Of course, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd gotten all- weather tires like I told you to, but no, you had to have the fancy German thing... Martin and Frasier carry on arguing. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Maris's Mansion. Lighning strikes, and things are heating up. Daphne is sitting on the couch, staring at the fire. Niles brings in some firewood. Niles: We'd better make this last, this is all that's left of the wood. [Daphne begins to cry.] Oh no, don't worry, if this runs out there's an antique sideboard in the drawing room that I think is reproduction. [she looks at him] Oh. It's Eric, isn't it? She nods, then stands and walks closer to the fire. Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen. Niles: [comes up behind her] Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end. He smooths down the hackles on the back of his neck. Suddenly she turns to face him. Daphne: Dr. Crane... Niles: [passionately:] Yes, Daphne? Daphne: We're losing the fire. Niles: No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns! Daphne: [turning to the fire:] But it's down to its last embers! Niles: [calming down:] Well then... I'll put some wood on it! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Frasier's BMW. The car has stalled outside of Maris's mansion. Martin: You flooded it. You had to keep pumping gas and now you flooded it. Frasier: Dad, you cannot flood a fuel-injected engine. Oh, this so maddening. We're so close to the house, I can see the gargoyles! Martin: If we'd have taken Roosevelt... Frasier: We'd be stuck on Roosevelt! Martin: You never can admit it when you made a mistake, could you? Frasier: [unbuckles seatbelt] Oh that is it, just call the auto club, I'm gonna make a dash for it. He gets out of the car and runs. Martin: [shouting:] You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain! [off Frasier's response:] Well, same to you! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Eight - Maris's Mansion. Daphne and Niles are now lying down in front of the fire. Daphne is on her back, Niles on his side, head propped on one elbow, looking down at her. Daphne: I suppose I just fall in love too fast. The minute I feel that spark, I just give my heart away. Niles: Daphne, you must stop being so hard on yourself. What you see as a fault is also your greatest gift - to be so open, warm and loving. Daphne: You're so kind, Dr. Crane. I'm glad we ended up like this tonight. Niles: So am I. Daphne: It's just so nice to be with a man you feel so comfortable with. I feel very close to you. Niles: I feel very close to you too, Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to, when you feel close to someone... who's so close. Daphne rests her head back and closes her eyes. If Niles moves now, she could be his. He leans over to kiss her... Suddenly beautiful music is heard. Daphne opens her eyes and sees the Glockenspiel whirring away. Daphne: Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life! Niles: [confused, then looks up:] Oh, the clock! He gets up and sits on the couch to admire it. In front of him, Daphne rises to her knees to do the same. Niles: My God, it hasn't run like this in years! Maris will be delighted... Maris. Daphne: You really love her, don't you? Niles: You know, I do. Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day. Daphne: I hope some day some man will feel that way about me. Niles: [staring into her eyes:] Oh... Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him. Daphne: [laughs] That's the loveliest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank you, Dr. Crane. You're a good friend. Unaware that Frasier has just vaulted onto the terrace outside, Daphne leans forward and kisses Niles on the cheek. Just as she does, lightning flashes and thunder booms. Frasier: STOOOOOO-OOOP! STOOOOOP! They turn in shock to see Frasier, soaking wet, pounding on the glass doors with both fists and screaming, looking rather like Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate", or with the lightning crashing behind him, a character in an old horror film. Niles: Frasier! Niles opens a side door and Frasier rushes in. Frasier: My God, have you two gone mad?! You'll regret this for the rest of your lives! Niles: What are you talking about? Frasier: Well, the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight, the nightie! Daphne: [laughing:] Dr. Crane, you didn't think that Dr. Crane and I were... [shocked:] Dr. Crane! You have some nerve to imply that your brother would do anything so deplorable! Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people! Frasier looks confused. Daphne: [to Niles:] That didn't sound right. Niles: Close enough. Frasier: I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't mean to suggest that, I didn't try to imply that... Daphne: Well then, exactly what was it you wanted us to stop doing? Frasier: I... wanted you to stop standing here in silence. A night like this calls for music! Daphne, please, some wine for all of us. Niles, join me at the piano, please. Daphne goes and pours some wine. Frasier grabs Niles by the arm and pulls him down onto the piano bench with him. Frasier: Are you sure everything's alright? Niles: Absolutely. Frasier, my Glockenspiel is working again! Frasier browses through his "Gray's Anatomy" for a moment, then: Frasier: Shall we? They begin to play. End of Act Two (Time: 22:15) [SCENE_BREAK] Niles and Frasier are playing the piano, Daphne stands behind them, all three of them are singing. It is still raining, and Martin comes round the corner knocking on the windows. However, their boisterous singing drowns him out, and he is left out in the stormy weather, pounding on the window with his cane.

Plan: A: Niles; Q: Who does Daphne have a moment of mutual attraction with? A: Maris; Q: Who does Niles have a fight with? A: a reconciliation dinner; Q: What are Niles and Daphne trying to make? A: a storm; Q: What is happening outside Niles' mansion? A: Frasier; Q: Who must reach Niles before he does something he will regret? Summary: After Niles has a fight with Maris, he and Daphne have a moment of mutual attraction during an attempt to make a reconciliation dinner. Stranded at Niles' mansion during a storm, Frasier must reach them before they do something Niles will regret.

U.S. ARMY STORAGE FACILITY FRANKFURT, GERMANY (EXT. STORAGE FACILITY - NIGHT) It is raining and thundering. A jeep pulls into a complex past the guard station in front. A soldier in a rain pancho sends off a large army truck. As the truck pulls away, someone dressed in black with their face concealed under a balaclava uses a taser on the soldier, who falls down, unconscious. The intruder leaves him there and goes up some stairs and into a storage space. The intruder uses a blowtorch to cut open a locked gate. Meanwhile, another soldier has found the soldier unconscious on the ground. The intruder searches the storage facility with a flashlight and stops when they see a container with a red and white cross on it. SOLDIER: Kindt, we got a man down. It's Rodriguez. Do you copy? Do you copy? Do you copy? Come in! CUT TO a walkie talkie on the ground. Kindt is not responding because he is also knocked out. Alarms sound. The intruder takes a silver case and starts to leave, but runs into a soldier, who begins firing. The intruder ducks out of the way, behind a concrete column. The soldier's bullets hit some flammable barrels, which explode and start a fire. The intruder notices a window on the other side of the fire and leaps through the fire, breaking out of the window just as the rest of the barrels explode. They fall into an army truck bed below the window. The tarp breaks their fall. The intruder emerges from the truck and pulls off the balaclava. It is Renée Rienne. (INT. SYDNEY'S HOUSE - DAY) Sydney practices yoga with music on. Rachel walks in, wearing pajamas. RACHEL: Hey. SYDNEY: Hi. I wish I could still fit into those. Rachel looks down at what she is wearing. SYDNEY: Did you sleep okay? RACHEL: Yeah, I did. Sydney turns down the music with a remote control. RACHEL: You okay? SYDNEY: I'm just... I'm telling you, this kid's gonna to be a black belt. Here, give me a hand. (reaches out) Get ready. They share a laugh as Rachel pulls Sydney up off the floor. Rachel takes a seat on the couch, and Sydney sits in a chair across from her. RACHEL: Wow. You, uh... must be so excited. SYDNEY: Yeah, when I'm not terrified. RACHEL: You don't seem terrified. SYDNEY: I have no idea how to be a parent. The thought of my life changing forever... doing it on my own - it's a little overwhelming. RACHEL: Yeah. I know what you mean. SYDNEY: You know, you can stay here as long as you want, Rachel. There's no hurry. RACHEL: I don't want to impose. SYDNEY: We're both going through transitions. We... might as well keep each other company. RACHEL: Thank you. (smiles) SYDNEY: I'm going to change. (gets up and starts toward her room) Help yourself to anything in the fridge... RACHEL: Okay. SYDNEY: ...if there's anything left. RACHEL: Hey, Syd? Sydney stops. RACHEL: You're going to be a great mom. SYDNEY: (looks a little sad, and then smiles) Thanks. (INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - DAY) A hostess is leading Jack to Sloane's table. Sloane stands up and greets Jack. JACK: You seem to be enjoying your freedom. SLOANE: I was hoping to offer you more than prison food. JACK: I must confess, I'd grown rather fond of the shepherd's pie. Jack and Sloane sit down. JACK: I'm assuming you didn't bring me here simply for the cuisine. SLOANE: Look, Jack, during the past few months, I have had to rely on you more than any friend should - which is what makes it difficult for me to ask you this. JACK: You need another favor? SLOANE: I want to return to APO. Of course, my position would be subordinate. You would be director of the task force, and I would have the highest respect for that. In return, you can engage my connections wherever you thought it would be most effective. JACK: And you would, in turn have full CIA resources to search for Nadia's cure. SLOANE: Exactly. (pauses) I know this puts you in an awkward position - JACK: I've already put in the request for your limited reinstatement. SLOANE: You have? I don't know what to say. JACK: Your gratitude may be premature. Langley hasn't denied the request, but they haven't approved it either. Normally, these things... take a few days, but I'm getting informal reports that something - or rather, someone - is standing in the way. SLOANE: Do you know who? I'm happy to make my case personally. JACK: I'm trying to ascertain that myself. Jack's phone rings. He checks who is calling. JACK: (gets up) I apologize. I'm going to have to cut this short. SLOANE: Whether you're successful or not, Jack, thank you. Jack turns and leaves. Sloane watches him leave and takes a drink of water. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDOUT - DAY) Renée watches the monitor on the container for a moment and presses a button on the screen. The container opens. We see the man inside the container is an older man with a gray beard. (INT. APO - DAY) Dixon brings a file to Jack's office. DIXON: Eighteen hours ago, an army storage facility was hit outside of Frankfurt. JACK: The Dornier Stockpile? DIXON: The intruder crossed two minefields, deactivated a 30,000-Volt electric fence and took down half a dozen army rangers by non-lethal means. JACK: Do we have any potential suspects? DIXON: Agent Grace is on the phone to the base in Germany now, trying to get uplinks of their surveillance imagery. JACK: This lone individual walked right past a stockpile of heavy weapons, opting instead for a few hundred CCs for something called Atropine ZX. DIXON: ZX is a highly experimental medical stimulant. Its primary use is for battlefield resuscitation of gravely injured soldiers. The infiltration bears striking similarities to the DSR theft a month ago. JACK: Are you suggesting this is somehow connected with the container we recovered in North Korea? DIXON: It could be the secondary phase of the same operation. By all appearances, the man inside the container was in some sort of... next-gen cryogenic deep freeze. JACK: And the stolen ZX could be used to wake up the body? DIXON: It's possible, yes. CUT TO Tom talking on the phone. TOM: Yes, Guder, I promise. Eight cases of jerky - half beef, half turkey. It's on the way. Danke. (hangs up phone) Apparently, you can't get good beef jerky in Germany. MARSHALL: Really? I always thought of Germany as the home of processed meats. You know, 'cause all the sausages that they... Jack and Dixon walk into the room. MARHSALL: ...and there's liverwurst, bratwurst, fleischwurst - TOM: Here it comes. Let's take a look at our bad boy. JACK: Put it on-screen. They watch the monitors. In the video, the intruder pulls of her balaclava, revealing her identity. TOM: Make that a bad girl. DIXON: Renée Rienne, also known as Le Corbeau. In '02, she attacked one of our listening posts in Turkey, made her Number Eight on the CIA's Most Wanted List. SYDNEY: You don't know she's the one who took the body. DIXON: No, but it's beyond reason that this is a coincidence. SYDNEY: If she took the body, she had a reason. I'll talk to her. JACK: You exchange information with her twice a week. If she hasn't told you by now... SYDNEY: Not over the phone. I'll go in person. JACK: Sydney, this woman is an assassin. SYDNEY: Vaughn trusted her. They worked together for seven years. Besides, if she did take the body and hasn't told me, it's because she doesn't trust me, either. If we make a move on her, that just proves she's right. JACK: I'm hardly concerned with her feelings. SYDNEY: No, but I am concerned about burning her as an ally. We know the body was in Dean's possession. Finding out why may tell us more about Prophet Five, what their ultimate agenda is. JACK: Go see her, but you're not going alone. CUT TO Thomas Grace target shooting. He fires multiple shots at the target and puts his gun down and takes his hearing protection off. JACK: I think you got him. TOM: My mother always said, "If someone was worth shooting once, then they're worth shooting twice." JACK: I'm sorry I never met her. She sounds like my kind of woman. TOM: I think the two of you would have gotten along. JACK: Sydney's going to Marseilles to meet with a contact. Wheels up within the hour. I'd like you to accompany her. TOM: I'm on escort duty. JACK: Sydney's contact is Renée Rienne. TOM: Really...? JACK: Miss Rienne has been helping Sydney with her investigation into the Prophet Five conspiracy, though that fact is off the books. TOM: Got it. JACK: Miss Rienne used to work with Michael Vaughn. Based on that, my daughter has inherent trust in her. I do not share her trust. TOM: (nods) I see. Don't worry. I'll make sure she's safe. (EXT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT MARSEILLES- DAY) TOM: Hope you got the right address. SYDNEY: Micro surveillance cameras, motion detectors on the windows - and this is definitely her place. TOM: I'll cover the stairs. You slip around front to the elevator. (pulls out gun) SYDNEY: Put that away. You won't need it. TOM: She's already killed three CIA agents. We're not going to be four and five. SYDNEY: When my father briefed you, he told you we'd been working together. TOM: Yeah. He also said if I suspected a threat to your safety, I have orders to kill her. SYDNEY: My father is overprotective. Inside, Renée loads Atropine ZX into a syringe and injects it into the man in the container. Just then, her cell phone rings. RENÉE: (answering phone) Oui? SYDNEY: It's me. We need to talk. RENÉE: It's not a good time. SYDNEY: It can't wait. I'm out front. RENÉE: (in person) I know. Sydney turns around in surprise and disconnects her phone. Renée appears behind Tom and takes his gun from him. Tom looks defeated. Renée points her gun and the two CIA agents. SYDNEY: We aren't here to threaten you, Renée. RENÉE: We had an agreement. SYDNEY: I know you took the body. Whatever it is, you can tell me. RENÉE: No, I can't. This is different. I need to do this myself. SYDNEY: That's not an option. TOM: Does he know what you're up to? The three look up and see the man through a window, walking around inside. Quickly, Renée goes back inside and looks for the man. Tom comes in and draws his gun. RENÉE: No, he's not dangerous. Renée approaches the man. Suddenly, the man, wielding a knife, grabs Renée. He holds her hostage, with the knife to her throat. MAN: Qu'est-ce qui se passe? [What's happening?*] RENÉE: He won't hurt me - he won't hurt me! SYDNEY: Let her go. RENÉE: He won't hurt me! SYDNEY: (to Tom) Do you have the shot? TOM: Just say when. RENÉE: No. Please - he doesn't understand! MAN: Qui sont ces gens? Où sommes nous? [Who are you? ("Who are these people? Where are we?")] RENÉE: Ça va, ils vont pas te faire de mal. C'est moi. C'est moi. C'est Renée, c'est moi. [It's okay, they won't hurt you. It's me. It's me. Renée.] The man drops the knife to the ground. Renée turns to face the man. MAN: J'en crois pas mes yeux. [Can it really be you? ("I don't believe my eyes.")] RENÉE: C'est moi, Papa. [It's me, Papa.] TOM: Did I hear her right? SYDNEY: He's her father. Renée hugs her father. ALIAS INTRO (INT. RENÉE'S HIDE OUT - DAY) Sydney and Tom watch as Renée talks to her father, Luc. LUC: Mais je rêve. Ma petite fille. [How can this be? ("But I'm dreaming.")] RENÉE: T'es en sécurité maintenant. [You're safe now.] LUC: On est en quelle année? [What year is this?] RENÉE: 2006. LUC: 23 ans. Pour moi c'était hier. [Twenty-three years. To me, it was yesterday.] SYDNEY: Vous savez qui vous a fait ça? [Do you know who did this to you?] LUC: Qui sont ces gens? T'es sûr d'eux? [Who are these people? Do you trust them? ("Who are these people? Are you sure of them?")] RENÉE: (nods) C'est eux qui t'ont trouvé. [They were the ones who found you.] Luc looks over at Sydney. RENÉE: Was it Desantis? LUC: Desantis, c'est ça. Quand ils nous at rattrapés, je n'allais pas lui dire où je t'avais caché. Il essayait de me faire parler. D'abord il m'a torturé, puis... I do not... remember. [Desantis. (nods) Yes. After he caught up with us... he tried to make me talk. He tortured me. But I wouldn't tell him where you were. Then... I do not... remember.] SYDNEY: Is Desantis part of Prophet Five? Luc gets up and stares intently at Sydney. LUC: Prophet Five? What do you know about them? RENÉE: Assied-toi, Papa. [Sit down, Papa.] LUC: No, no, I am fine. TOM: You're not fine. Your ear is bleeding! Luc reaches and touches his ear. SYDNEY: Here, get him down. RENÉE: Papa? Luc puts his hands over his ears and collapses. SYDNEY: Get him down. His pulse is all over the place. We need something to sedate him to get his heart rate under control. RENÉE: I'll get some diazepam. SYDNEY: Get his legs steady. TOM: Calm down. Renée runs over and gets a vial of diazepam. Luc is struggling with Sydney and Tom and hyperventilating. Renée takes the syringe and injects Luc's arm. Immediately, he calms down.. TOM: His heartbeat's weak, but it's stable. SYDNEY: What do you know about that device? Why was he in it? RENÉE: I don't know. I just had to get him out of there. (EXT. LOS ANGELES - NIGHT) Arvin Sloane leaves the National Naval Hospital. Dean's man is waiting for him. Sloane walks down the steps as Dean's man, Keach, comes up behind him. KEACH: How's your daughter? Nadia, right? That's such a pretty name. SLOANE: What are you doing here? KEACH: Just checking up on our investment. Thought this might be a good place to find you. SLOANE: Don't you ever contact me in public again. And tell whoever you answer to that I'm proceeding as instructed. KEACH: Tell him yourself. Sloane looks at Keach with surprise. At that moment, a car pulls up to the curb. Keach opens the rear passenger car for Sloane, who gets in. Gordon Dean is in the car. DEAN: Hello, Arvin. SLOANE: Hello, Gordon. So you're my mysterious benefactor. DEAN: I'm one of them. Are you familiar with Senator Lewis? Dean hands Sloane an envelope. Sloane opens the envelope and flips through several pictures of the senator. SLOANE: She's the Chairman of the Intelligence Committee. DEAN: She's the reason your security clearance hasn't been reinstated. She doesn't seem to care very much for you. Sloane continues flipping through the photographs and sees a young girl in one of the photographs. DEAN: It may have something to do with the fact that she's actually a decent human being. SLOANE: If she's the one standing in my way, my chances of returning to APO are slim... at best. DEAN: And I need you at APO. You're going to have to persuade Senator Lewis to see things your way. Luckily, that's what you do best. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT - NIGHT) TOM: (on the phone with Jack) Look, I gotta be honest with you. I've had basic field medical training. If the guy were shot, I could handle that, but... this is beyond me. JACK: Is he stable? TOM: That's kind of hard to define. He was bleeding out of his eyes and his ears. He's unconscious. His breathing's shallow, but regular. MARSHALL: Well, if we knew why he was in the container, we might have a better idea of what was wrong with him. TOM: I took a look inside the box. It's lined with IVs apparently feeding him nutrients. There's an on-board hard drive tracking his vitals. Other than that, a bunch of tech stuff I can't identify. DIXON: I still have contacts within the DSR. I can reach out. Maybe they analyzed the container before it was stolen. TOM: Renée mentioned a name - a Dr. Aldo Desantis. Apparently, he put her father in the box twenty years ago. RACHEL: I know that name. Dean had me arrange the transfer of some of his files. They were archived at the University of Milan, but about a year ago, Dean had me move them to a private facility in San Francisco. JACK: Agent Grace, tell Renée we'll coordinate a mission to obtain the Desantis files. Perhaps they'll shed some light on her father's condition. In the meantime, contact Dr. Etienne Laurent. He's twenty minutes outside Marseilles. He can check Renée's father into a facility under an assumed name and run the full examination. TOM: Copy that. I'll contact you when I get there. CUT TO Renée and Sydney monitoring Luc's progress. RENÉE: I can take care of him. SYDNEY: No, you can't. If my father vouches for this doctor, your father will be safe. Look, if we were going to double-cross you, we would have done it already. Just let us help you. You have my word. RENÉE: Okay. TOM: I'll pull a van around front. Tom takes the elevator downstairs. Suddenly, the lights flicker and buzz. Suddenly, the power goes out throughout the entire building. RENÉE: What's going on? SYDNEY: I don't know. The elevator is stuck between the first and second floor. Tom opens the elevator gate and crouches down to get out at the first floor. He hears some rattling noises and ducks down behind some crates. The rattling continues. Tom goes around to get a clearer view of the door, which is where the noise is coming from. Suddenly, the door is kicked open. Armed, uniformed men file into the room. Tom checks his cell phone, which beeps that it is not receiving a signal. He sighs in frustration. The armed men fan out through the room. Their guns have laser sights. One of the them holds a tracking device of some sort. One of the men spots Tom, who races back to the elevator. The men shout at him in French and begin shooting. ARMED MEN: Là-bas! Allez! Là-bas! À toi! [He's over there! Go, go! Over there, you get him.*] Tom climbs back up into the elevator car and up into the shaft to get back to the second floor, where he closes a large metal security gate to the elevator. Renée's landline phone rings. RENÉE: Allô? [Hello?] VOICE: Vous avez pris quelque chose de nous. Nous voulons le recouperer. [You took something from us. We want it back.] RENÉE: Vous êtes qui? [Who are you?] VOICE: Vous avez vingt minutes. [You have twenty minutes.] Renée hangs up the phone. RENÉE: They want my father. The door opens. It's Tom. TOM: We're under siege! SYDNEY: They want Renée's father. Who are they? TOM: I wish I knew. RENÉE: It's the DGSE. TOM: Intelligence? No, it's not French Military. They're armed too well. RENÉE: That's why I didn't tell you. SYDNEY: What, you think we brought 'em here? RENÉE: How else would they know? Sydney flips open her cell phone. TOM: It's no good. They're using a jamming device. Sydney closes her phone. TOM: We need weapons. RENÉE: Back there. There is a closet. (hands Tom a set of keys) I have an army radio. If you can find a clear frequency, call for help. (sets the radio down for Sydney) Tom opens the storage closet and finds well-stocked cache of weapons, including handguns, grenades, and rifles. RENÉE: Inside those cases there are monitors for the security cameras. So what are we up against? SYDNEY: Well, there are twelve of them it looks like, at least. They're planning something. What is it? Sydney and Renée watch the monitor closely. Tom returns with the weapons he chose. The surveillance cameras show a truck with a wide hose parked near the building. RENÉE: What's that? SYDNEY: Gas. They want to knock us out before they attack us. TOM: Right there, they're pumping it into the vent. RENÉE: Get in the bedroom. Seal yourself in. I'll take out the truck. TOM: No, no, no, I'll go. You watch your father. SYDNEY: (to Renée) Come on. Sydney and Renée head to the bedroom, while Tom runs the other way to take care of the truck. [SCENE_BREAK] (INT. APO - DAY) RACHEL: Marshall, Dixon's ready for us. MARSHALL: Yeah, I'm ready. It's gotta be here somewhere. Where is it? You know what an audio coupler is? You know, the piece that slides over the base of a telephone headset? RACHEL: Yeah, like from War Games. MARSHALL: You know War Games...? RACHEL: Yeah. It's my second-favorite movie. MARSHALL: Really? Mine, too. Now don't tell anyone, but it's what inspired me to hack into The Pentagon for the first time. RACHEL: How'd you get in? MARSHALL: I, uh, went in through the electrical system. Yeah, there was a side-wire cutout for air conditioning repairs, so I got the woman from the repair company on the phone and convinced her that I was inside the building and then sweet-talked her into giving me the password. I think her name was Ina. RACHEL: I went straight in through the sewer controls. MARSHALL: Really? That's - that's pretty smart... and a lot... easier. RACHEL: So are we hacking into the storage facility's network? MARSHALL: Yeah, to find out where the Desantis files are stored. RACHEL: Well, if we're going in via RF, then the network must be terminal. MARSHALL: No, closed loop. Oh! Found it. Marshall holds up the audio coupler and tosses it to Rachel, who catches it. She turns and leaves. (INT. SAN FRANCISCO - DAY) MARSHALL: I hope none of you suffer from arachnophobia, 'cause this little six-legged freak (picks up the small robot he created) is not pretty, but she gets the job done. I call her Charlotte, for obvious reasons. Oh, check this out. There is a tomographic camera right on the bottom there. It basically acts like an X-RAY or a CAT scan. (takes pictures of Dixon) It takes images layer by layer. See? Look at that. The monitor shows Dixon layers of Dixon's face. MARSHALL: This will allow us to take images of the Desantis files... RACHEL: Without ever having to remove them from their storage container. MARSHALL: Right. (INT. STORAGE FACILITY - DAY) Rachel, wearing a dress suit with fishnet stockings and red heels, and Dixon, wearing a suit with a red tie, walk down the hallway with the manager of the storage facility. Dixon is carrying a wooden box. DIXON: I assume your vaults are climate-controlled. MANAGER: Of course. Now, if you purchase our premium package, your item will be stored in the most secure wing of our facility. They reach the front desk of the storage facility. DIXON: Yes, I've heard that before. (opens box) Let me explain something. (motions at vase inside the box) This particular piece is from the Yongle Period - very delicate. I don't want the most secure wing. I want the wing you reserve for the people who will come looking for you if anything happens to their stuff. MANAGER: (pauses) Right this way. The manager closes Dixon's box and picks it up. Dixon checks his cell phone. DIXON: Oh, my cell died. (to Rachel) Call my wife, would you? Let her know we're running late. RACHEL: Would you mind? MANAGER: Of course not. Be my guest. RACHEL: Thank you. Rachel leaves to make the call, while Dixon and the manager go to put the box in storage. Rachel sits down at the lobby phone and attaches a device to the bottom of their cordless phone. It beeps. Rachel puts the phone to her ear. RACHEL: Hi, Meredith. We're running a little bit behind. MARSHALL: Nice. Phone link is good. Accessing the network.... Rachel turns to check the man at the front desk. He notices Rachel and look sup at her. Meanwhile, the manager punches in a code in a keypad. He opens the door. Inside is a short hallway leading to another door. MARSHALL: Uh, you know what? Just stay on the phone one more minute? RACHEL: Yeah, I'll have him home by dinner. The manager reaches a second door and slides a car key in the reader to open another door. Inside is the vault. Marshall locates the Desantis files on what looks like a circuit diagram. MARSHALL: Got it. Rachel hangs up the phone. MANAGER: As you can see, temperature and humidity-controlled. We even have backup generators in case of prolonged blackout. DIXON: This is fine. MANAGER: I'm glad you're pleased. The manager smiles and places the box on a shelf. MANAGER: Now if you'll just follow me, we can finish the rest of our paperwork. Dixon nods and follows the manager out. The manager closes the door as he leaves. Inside the vault, there is a beeping sound coming from the box. A small door opens, and Charlotte crawls out from the box. MARSHALL: Come on, Charlotte. You go, girl. Marshall controls Charlotte via remote control. Charlotte crawls around to the front of the box, traveling down the shelf. MARSHALL: Come on, Charlotte. Don't let me down. Rachel and Dixon have finished at the storage facility and join Marshall inside the van. RACHEL: How's it going? MARSHALL: Well, according to their network, the Desantis files are inside Cabinet 2187, so we'll soon see for ourselves. Charlotte crawls around until Marshall stops it at a certain spot. MARSHALL: Come on, Charlotte. Work your magic. All right, imaging through the first layer of metal. "Desantis." We got 'em. DIXON: Good. Let's scan the rest of those documents and relay them to APO. MARSHALL: Okay. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT - NIGHT) Sydney fiddles with the army radio, trying to find a frequency they can use to call for help. RENÉE: Any luck? SYDNEY: Low-band frequencies are completely blocked. I found this... midrange. (turns up radio to hear this static and noise) Chatter of some kind, but it's too nosy to transmit over. Renée touches her hand to Luc's head. RENÉE: He's got a fever. SYDNEY: Why do they want him, Renée? (pauses) Tell me the truth. RENÉE: I was very sick as a child. The medicine I was taking - it was expensive. My father answered an ad in the newspaper for a job. Later that week, he came home with more money than I had ever seen. I could tell he was scared. Renée looks over at her father. He looks delirious. RENÉE: He packed what he could, and we left. He didn't want to scare me, but I knew he was running from someone. One day in Geneva, they found us. Renée flashes back to her childhood. She stares out a window, clutching a teddy bear. Her father grabs her and puts her in a closet. RENÉE'S FATHER: Allez, écoute Papa. T'ouvres pas cette porte avant le matin, quoique tu vois. T'es si courageuse. Papa reviendra. [Listen to Daddy very carefully. Don't open this door until tomorrow morning. No matter what you hear, or what you see. Do you understand? You are so brave. Daddy will be back.] Renée's father closes the closet door. Two men approach Renée's father. An older man follows behind and seems to be in charge. RENÉE'S FATHER: Vous êtes qui? Qu'est-ce que vous voulez? J'ai pas - non! Laissez-moi! [What do you want? No - let me go!] Renée watches as the two men force her father against the wall. RENÉE'S FATHER: Let me go! The older man takes out a syringe and injects Renée's father, who passes out. The men take Renée's father away. RENÉE: I later found out that the man I saw take my father was Desantis. They were his clinical trials my father had been paid for. I assumed they killed him that night. SYDNEY: This is why you began pursuing Prophet Five. RENÉE: To make them pay. Sydney remains silent. Tom heads to the stairs when he sees three men coming up the stairs. One guard directs the other two guards. GUARD: Vas-y, on est prêt. Vous allez par là, et par là. Tout de suite. [Go on, we're ready... you, go through there, and through there.*] The two guards separate, leaving their commander at the top of the stairs. He reports to someone over a walkie-talkie. GUARD: On est pret, deuxième étage. C'est ça. [Hurry up. We're ready, second story.*] Suddenly, Tom comes up behind him and knocks him down the stairs. Tom carefully goes down the stairs with his gun drawn. The two guards come back to the top of the stairs. A uniformed guard comes up the stairs and joins the other two guards. It's Tom, who has stolen the uniform from the guard he knocked out. He follows the guards for a bit, but soon slips away to take care of the truck outside. Tom walks out of the building, still dressed in the guard's uniform. He walks around to the left side of the truck. After looking around first, he pulls a timed explosive out and places it on the left front tire of the car. The timer is set for 20 seconds. Tom begins to walk away, but stops when a guard calls out to him. The guard comes up behind him and grabs Tom's arm, while talking to him in French. GUARD: Qui êtes-vous? J'ai demandé de qui êtes vous. [Who are you? I asked - who are you?*] Tom grabs the guard's arm, causing the guard to fire the gun prematurely. Tom equips his knife, but the guard pushes him against the front of the truck, knocking his helmet off. Tom punches the guard and stabs him. The guard falls to the ground. There are only six seconds left on the bomb. Tom takes off running, as two other guards start shooting at him. GUARDS: Vite, vite! [Quickly, quickly!*] The bomb explodes, destroying the truck and catapulting Tom forward. The two guards that were firing at Tom are caught in the blast. Sydney watches the blast through a window. RENÉE: What can you see? SYDNEY: (turns away from the window) Nothing... I don't know if he made it. They hear the sound of glass shattering. Renée draws her gun. Sydney picks up her gun and they carefully make their way toward the door. LUC: Renée! RENÉE: Papa? LUC: Qu'est-ce qui se passe? [What's happening?] RENÉE: T'inquiète pas. Il y a des hommes dehors, ils sont armés, mais ça va. [It's okay. There are men outside. They have guns. ("Don't worry. There are men outside, they're armed, but it'll be okay.")] LUC: C'est moi qu'ils sont venus chercher. [They're coming for me.] Someone pounds on the door. TOM: It's me! Let me in. Renée and Sydney remove the fabric they used to seal the sides of the door and slide open the door for Tom. SYDNEY: Nice job. TOM: (walks toward the window and peeks out) I think I just pissed 'em off. (comes back to Sydney and Renée) We need to get ready. They'll be coming in soon. Sydney, you stay here with her father. If I can take enough of them out, maybe they'll decide we're not worth it. Renée looks to Sydney and reassures her father. RENÉE: T'inquiète pas. Personne ne va te faire de mal maintenant. [You'll be alright, Papa. No one is taking you away again. ("Don't worry. No one will hurt you now.")] Renée and Tom head to the other room, while Sydney remains with Luc. (INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. SKATING RINK - DAY) A girl is skating to "Clair de Lune" by Claude Debussy. A skating instructor coaches her. INSTRUCTOR: That's great. Good - keep your back up. Senator Lewis watches the girl proudly. INSTRUCTOR: Over your toe. Stay over your toe. Good! Arvin Sloane is watching also, from behind Senator Lewis. SLOANE: She's quite good. SENATOR LEWIS: (without turning around) Thank you. SLOANE: You must be very proud. SENATOR LEWIS: (smiling as she turns around) You have no idea. Her smile fades when she sees her visitor. SLOANE: Senator Lewis. SENATOR LEWIS: What can I do for you, Mr. Sloane? SLOANE: (walks toward the senator) Well, actually, I was hoping for a minute of your time. SENATOR LEWIS: If you've come here to lobby for your security clearance to be approved, I suggest you save yourself the trouble. SLOANE: Yeah, I understand your reluctance, but I'm asking you to reconsider your position. With my knowledge and my resources, I can be a valuable asset to this country. SENATOR LEWIS: Touching. But somehow I doubt that you're motivated by mere patriotism. SLOANE: You're right. I have an agenda - my daughter, Nadia. She's very sick. SENATOR LEWIS: (sympathetically) I know. SLOANE: I hope to use APO resources to find a cure for her condition. In exchange, I will happily do whatever the government requires of me. SENATOR LEWIS: I'm sorry about your daughter... but I can't in good conscience put you back in that office. If it were up to me, you'd still be in prison. You'll have to find another way to help your daughter. I'm not reinstating your clearance. (turns back around to watch her daughter skate) SLOANE: (pauses) You're daughter's very lovely. (hands the senator the envelope he received from Gordon Dean) I'm sure you're proud of her. Puzzled, the senator takes the envelope. She is shocked by the photographs she finds. SLOANE: You'll recognize the inside of your own house. You'll notice none of those pictures were taken with a telephoto lens. The photographer was standing right next to her. It makes you wonder about her security detail, doesn't it? The senator looks at Sloane, speechless. SLOANE: It makes you wonder if you can ever keep her safe at all. Suddenly, they are interrupted by Senator Lewis' daughter, who skates up. DAUGHTER: Mom, did you see that? SENATOR LEWIS: I did, honey. SLOANE: I was just telling your mother how talented you are. You know, you skate like an angel. DAUGHTER: (smiles) Thank you. SLOANE: (smiles) You're welcome. Senator Lewis' daughter beams at her mother and skates away. SLOANE: Enjoy the rest of your day, Senator. Thank you in advance for your support. The senator stares Sloane with anger as he leaves the skating rink. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT - NIGHT) RENÉE: They're gone! TOM: (comes over) What do you mean, they're gone? Renée shows Tom on the surveillance monitor. The cameras show no one is near her building. RENÉE: They're not in the street. TOM: That's 'cause they're probably on the roof. They hear something. Renée notices Tom's arm. RENÉE: You're hurt. TOM: It's nothing. Renée pulls a bandage out. Tom removes his jacket, revealing a gash on his arm. TOM: I found this device. They all have them. Tom pulls out the locating device we saw earlier. TOM: It's a tracker. They're probably following a signal. RENÉE: From what? Renée puts the bandage on Tom's arm. Tom watches the tracking device and walks toward the container, which is flashing a red light. TOM: It's an emergency beacon. You must have activated when you opened the container. RENÉE: No. I would have noticed. TOM: (holding up tracking device) Their signal's still active. It's not jamming the frequency this transmits on. Maybe I could piggyback this signal, get out a call for help. Renée nods. (INT. APO - DAY) Jack is reading a file when Dixon walks into his office. DIXON: Jack, I've just received hard copies of all data the DSR obtained from the cryo-container before it was stolen. JACK: Marshall and Rachel are in the briefing room reviewing the files you recovered from San Francisco. DIXON: (nods) I'll cross-index the data. Dixon hesitates. JACK: Is there something else, Marcus? DIXON: I just got off the phone with the office of Senator Dianne Lewis, the Chairperson of the Intelligence Committee. JACK: (clearly knows what issue the call was regarding) Yes, I know who she is. DIXON: Her office was following up on a request to reinstate Arvin Sloane's security clearance so he could return to duty within APO. I told them I didn't know anything about it. JACK: The request to reinstate Sloane's clearance came from me. I assume it was granted. DIXON: (nods) He's been given full access - gold level and beyond. Are you certain this is the right course of action? JACK: I believe Arvin Sloane now has a single purpose - to save the life of his daughter. If it is within my power to help him with this endeavor, I will do so - gladly. DIXON: Of course. (turns to leave) I suppose having him here at APO will allow us to keep a close eye on his activities. JACK: Yes, that thought crossed my mind as well. Dixon gives Jack a nod of understanding and leaves. CUT TO Marshall and Rachel going over the Desantis files. MARSHALL: Oh, I got it. Here it is. Uh, actually, this is "Garceau" with an "A." RACHEL: Yeah, this here. (pushes a piece of paper to Marshall) Look - "Goursaud." MARSHALL: Oh, "Goursaud." Excellent. RACHEL: Oh, here. Looks like some kind of chemical study. But it's all encoded. And then blood work, brain scans, and x-rays are all normal. MARSHALL: This is also - yes - twenty years old. So... all this really tells us is that Mr. Goursaud was healthy at the time he was abducted. DIXON: (walks in) What do we got? MARSHALL: Well, I'll tell you one thing. This guy's into some freaky stuff here - manipulation of neural pathways, genetic manipulations - DIXON: Anything on Goursaud? RACHEL: Nothing that helps. DIXON: The DSR sent over everything they had on the container. (hands Rachel the files from the DSR) It looks like while Goursaud was on the inside, his brain functions were severely limited. The container was also administering doses of antiproliferatives and... calico-neurin inhibitors - MARSHALL: Calcineurin inhibitors, actually. With a "Ssss..." sound. It's an immunosuppressive drug, basically - prevents the immune system from attacking itself, kind of like, you know, when a transplant patient rejects a new organ. RACHEL: But - he hasn't had any transplants. MARSHALL: Wait a minute. Is that Goursaud's EEG reading? (looks over at the Rachel's file) Marshall takes the two EEG readings and compares the old one with the one from the DSR. He shakes his head. MARSHALL: I don't get this. CUT TO a view of the two EEG readings. JACK: Brain scans? MARSHALL: Yeah, that one's from Desantis. That one's from the DSR. JACK: How old are these readings. MARSHALL: Taken three weeks ago. JACK: They don't match. A by-product of the aging process? RACHEL: Not gray matter. The volume is set by Age Four - MARSHALL: Age Four. JACK: You're suggesting the man who came out of that container is not Luc Goursaud? MARSHALL: That's right. JACK: Then who is he? MARSHALL: Somebody who - who's not... Luc Goursaud. DIXON: (joins them in Jack's office) I just called the clinic in France. Sydney and Tom never showed up. I tried her cell. No answer. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT - NIGHT) LUC: The people who took me... they want me back. Give me to them - and you all walk out of here. SYDNEY: That's not an option. LUC: Twenty years ago, I let them capture me - to keep Renée safe. Nothing has changed. I am her father. It is my job to protect her. SYDNEY: But giving yourself to them won't protect Renée. It will destroy her if you're killed. LUC: They will not kill me. SYDNEY: You can't know that. LUC: Once they tracked the beacon up here, they could have blown us to bits, but - they did not. Sydney frowns. LUC: They want me alive. Living. SYDNEY: What beacon? You just said they tracked a beacon. What beacon? Luc realizes he has said too much and pulls out a gun from under the blanket. He points the gun at Sydney. He leads Sydney out of the bedroom. LUC: Put the radio down. Renée and Tom turn to see Sydney with her arms up. Luc stands behind her with a gun. RENÉE: Papa! LUC: This woman was trying to kill me. SYDNEY: He's lying. He's the reason we're being attacked. TOM: Let her go. (points his gun at Luc) RENÉE: (points her gun at Tom) Don't! Tom looks over at Renée. SYDNEY: He said they tracked a beacon. He sent a signal. He led them here. LUC: Don't listen to her. She's only trying to confuse us. SYDNEY: This isn't an abduction. It's a rescue. RENÉE: How do you know about the beacon? LUC: I'm your father, remember? I protected you. SYDNEY: That's right. Your father protected you. That night, when Desantis kidnapped him, he said... he left you somewhere safe. Ask him where he hid you. LUC: That is silly. SYDNEY: Ask him Renée, ask him. RENÉE: Tell me. LUC: (pauses) That was twenty years ago, Angel. RENÉE: But for you, it was only yesterday. (points the gun at Luc) Who are you? Suddenly, there is a sound of a rocket coming toward the building. Luc ducks. A large hole is blasted open on a brick wall to the room. A helicopter appears and shines a light into the room. A guard on the helicopter throws out a line with a harness. Luc grabs it and puts the harness on. Suppressive fire from a machine gun on the helicopter forces Tom, Sydney, and Renée to scramble for cover. Tom ducks behind a column and tries to return fire. Renée and Sydney take a couple of shots at the helicopter, but it is no use. The diversion enables Luc to climb out of the hole. Renée and Sydney watch as he is quickly whisked away by the helicopter. (INT. RENÉE'S HIDEOUT - DAY) Renée is packing a suitcase. SYDNEY: APO tracked the helicopter to a small airport. Shortly after it landed, an executive jet took off, bound for North Korea. RENÉE: And that man? SYDNEY: We still don't know. We're working on it. We've seen things like this before, believe it or not. Doubling technology. Renée looks at Sydney in disbelief. SYDNEY: But it's impossible to say. My team is still reviewing Desantis' papers. Hopefully, they'll give us some insight into Prophet Five. I'll contact you as soon as we know anything. Renée is finishing up her packing and looks to her last item - her teddy bear. She picks it up and looks at it wistfully. RENÉE: I thought I had him back. SYDNEY: (nods) I know. RENÉE: Michael always told me I could come to you. I didn't trust him. I was wrong. (pauses) Thank you. SYDNEY: Yeah. (INT. BUILDING IN KAESONG, NORTH KOREA - DAY) Gordon Dean enters and goes to a room with a door with a glass window. He sees the doctors is finishing up with the man we thought was Renée's father, Luc. He opens the door to Luc's room and goes in. Luc looks over at his visitor. DEAN: Gordon Dean. How are you feeling, Dr. Desantis? DESANTIS: Couldn't be better. Thank you. DEAN: And I'm told there shouldn't be any lingering side effects from the procedure. DESANTIS: Twenty-three years. DEAN: (nods) The cohesion problem was solved once we understood how to re-sequence the information. DESANTIS: (pauses) The girl's alive. She calls herself Renée Rienne. Works with the CIA. DEAN: Well, then keeping an eye on her won't be a problem. Dr. Desantis smiles. (INT. APO - DAY) Arvin Sloane opens the main door to APO. He enters and walks toward the front desk. At the end of the hallway, Jack Bristow is there to greet him.

Plan: A: the United States; Q: What country is Sloane accused of crimes against? A: Sloane; Q: Who is held up from returning to APO? A: a request; Q: What had Jack already put forth for Sloane's return? A: limited access; Q: What kind of access did Jack request for Sloane? A: Nadia; Q: Who is Sloane's daughter? A: a Senator; Q: Who is holding up Sloane's return to APO? A: Gordon Dean; Q: Who is Sloane's new handler? A: Renée Rienne; Q: Who is the woman that Sydney and Thomas are sent to investigate? A: a surveillance camera; Q: What did Sydney and Thomas see Renée on? A: their location; Q: What comes under fire from a group of mercenaries? A: mercenaries; Q: What group of people attacked Sydney, Tom, and Renee? A: electroencephalogram records; Q: What records prove that the man is not Renée's father? A: a perfect resemblance; Q: What does the man in the box have to Renée's father? A: North Korea; Q: Where is Dr. Desantis brought to meet with Gordon Dean? Summary: Having been exonerated once again for previous crimes against the United States, Sloane asks Jack to aid him in returning to APO. Jack had already put forth a request for his return, but for limited access. APO would use Sloane's extensive knowledge and contacts in return for any aid they can give in finding a cure for Sloane's daughter, Nadia. Sloane, however, is held up from returning by a Senator, which he later threatens at the behest of his new handler: Gordon Dean. After recognizing Renée Rienne on a surveillance camera during the theft of the "man in the box", Sydney and Thomas are sent to investigate. Rienne resuscitates the man in the box, who appears to be her father. After Sydney and Tom meet her and the man, their location comes under fire from a group of mercenaries. Meanwhile electroencephalogram records studied by APO prove that the man is not actually Renée's father, despite a perfect resemblance to him. After Sydney, Thomas, and Renée realize that the man is not Renée's father, the mercenaries succeed in extracting him. He is then brought to meet with Gordon Dean in North Korea, where he is identified as Dr. Desantis.

[Scene: Photographic Studio. A photographer is looking through Prue's portfolio.] Mr. Corso: Everything is shot in digital now, you know. Prue: Yeah, I'm equipped. Mr. Corso: Nice stuff. Oh, I like this one. What lens did you use? Prue: 24f8 Mr. Corso: What shutter speed? Prue: 125. (A photographer shows Mr. Corso a photo.) Mr. Corso: Okay, lose the kicker, let the shuttle play there. (to Prue) Hmm, impressive. Prue: So does that mean I got the job? Mr. Corso: Based on your portfolio, yes. Based on your resume, no. Took a detour shutter bugging did you? Prue: Mr. Corso, I've changed careers, I'm not hiding that. But with all due respect, if you like my work that should be enough. I mean, you're hiring me, not my resume. Mr. Corso: You wanna shot? Get me a better one of Maggie Murphy. She's gonna be featured in our St. Paddy's day issue. (He hands her a picture of Maggie.) Something about being the unluckiest woman in San Francisco. And she's Irish. Down the hall where they do the writing, they call that irony. Address is on the back. Up until three months ago, she was like a saint. Helping the homeless, volunteering, charity. Then like overnight everything started going bad for her. Real bad. I want what you have in here, Prue. Artistic, soulful, point. I wanna see the inner Maggie in your photograph and I wanna see it by five o'clock today or don't bother coming back. Prue: Thank you. (She walks away.) [Scene: Rooftop of a building. Maggie is there. She walks over to the edge. The Darklighter appears.] Maggie: What am I doing? This isn't me. Darklighter: Yes it is. It's all my fault. The car accident, the fire, my brother's death. I hurt the ones I love. Maggie: I hurt the ones I love. Darklighter: I have to stop it. Maggie: Has to stop. I don't deserve to live. Darklighter: This is who I really am. Cursed. Maggie: I'm cursed. (People start gathering around on the ground looking up at Maggie. The Darklighter disappears. Prue turns up in her car. She gets out and notices Maggie on the roof.) Prue: Maggie? Maggie, no. (Prue astral projects on to the roof.) Maggie. (Maggie turns around.) Just wait, don't. Maggie: Where did you come from? How do you know me? Prue: It doesn't matter, just step away from the ledge and take my hand. Maggie: Stay away from me. Prue: Maggie, Please, I can help you. Maggie: Nobody can help me. Prue: Maggie, this isn't the answer. Maggie: All I wanted to do was help people. Now all I do is hurt them. (Maggie loses her balance and falls off the ledge. Prue grabs her arm before she can fall any further.) Prue: Maggie. Maggie: Let me go, please. Prue: I can't hold on much longer. (You see Maggie's arm slipping. She slips and falls. Prue astral projects back into her body.) No! (Prue uses her power and moves Maggie so she lands on the canopy and she rolls off onto the ground. Everyone crowds around her. She sees Prue.) Maggie: Wait, wait. (The Darklighter is there.) Darklighter: Well, of all the luck. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's there writing a letter. Phoebe comes in the back door.] Phoebe: Hey, I thought you had inventory at the club. Piper: I do. Phoebe: So then what are you doing here? Piper: Trying to figure out what to tell Dan. Phoebe: About what, honey? Piper: Leo. Phoebe: Oh, that. You're not actually writing him a dear John letter are you? Piper: No, of course not. He deserves more than that. A lot more but it's just hard. I don't wanna hurt him. Dan's a great guy and he's been really good to me and we've never really had any huge problems. Phoebe: No, I mean the only huge problem is that you really love Leo and he loves you and he gave up his mortality for you. Piper: I know. Which is obviously good for us but I don't know, lately he's just seems a bit restless. Phoebe: You're thinking too much again. Stop trying to predict the future, alright. That's my job. Just follow your heart, honey. Good things'll happen. Piper: What would I do without you? Phoebe: Oh, suffer endlessly, no doubt. Piper: Thank you. Alright, I'm going to the club. (She grabs her purse and coat.) Love you. Phoebe: Love you too. (Piper leaves out the back door.) [Scene: Police station. Morris is taking Maggie into a room. She stops at the doorway.] Morris: Miss Murphy? Maggie: I-I can't go in there. Morris: You don't really have a choice. Maggie: Am I being arrested? Morris: No, but there's some paper work we have to get started. Maggie: Are there guns in there? Morris: It's a police station. Maggie: They might go off. I mean, things like that happen around me and I don't want anybody to get hurt. Morris: I'm more concerned about you hurting yourself. Come on, nothing's gonna happen. (They walk into the room.) Maggie: You don't understand. Morris: Trust me. Maggie: You can't help me. Nobody can. (They sit down.) Morris: We're gonna find somebody who can. First you have to answer a few questions about what happened this morning. Maggie: I don't know what happened. It was like a bad dream, only it wasn't. Voices in my head. Everything spinning. Morris: Is there somebody you want to call? Family, friends. Maggie: No, no, no. Keep them away from me, they're safer there. I shouldn't even be here. I shouldn't be alive and if it hadn't have been for that angel. Morris: Excuse me? Maggie: She just appeared out of thin air when I was on the rooftop. She reached out her hand and then when I was falling it was like something slowed me down, like she guided me on that awning. Morris: The angel? Maggie: Yes, she saved me. Morris: Help me out here. What exactly did this woman look like? [Scene: Manor. Prue comes in the front door. Phoebe walks into the foyer.] Phoebe: So, how'd it go? Prue: What? Phoebe: The interview. Did you get the job? Prue: Yeah, I did. Phoebe: Prue, are you okay? Prue: The woman that I am supposed to photograph, when I got to her apartment she was on the roof ready to jump. Phoebe: Oh my God, she didn't Prue: Yeah, actually she did. Luckily I was able to break her fall with my powers but just barely. Phoebe: So lucky you got there in time. Prue: I keep on thinking that even if I had've been a minute later it would've been too late. Phoebe: But you weren't. You were supposed to be there in time. You were supposed to save that girls life, I believe that. (The phone rings. Prue answers it.) Prue: Hello? Morris: Hi, Prue. You weren't by any chance outside 413 North Fergus Ave this morning were you? Prue: Uh, why? Morris: We got a Maggie Murphy here. She claims she was saved by some angel this morning. An angel that by her description bears no resemblance to Della Reese. Prue: But does resemble me. Morris: Yeah, bingo. Of course everyone around here thinks she's nuts. (Phoebe holds up a roll of film.) Phoebe: Hey, what's on this roll? Prue: Uh, just some old photographs. Um, Darryl, is Maggie alright? [Cut to the police station.] Morris: That's not for me to say. We have to send her over to psyche -------. (Maggie knocks over a coat stand, it lands on a bench and plastic cups fall on the floor.) Maggie: I am so sorry. Morris: Poor woman. It's like she's snake bit or something. Listen, Prue, you better stay clear of here so she doesn't ID you. I'll keep you posted, okay? Bye. [Cut back to the manor. Prue hangs up. She gets her bag.] Phoebe: Where are you going? Prue: I'm gonna go see Maggie. Something tells me that I may have stopped her but I certainly didn't save her. Phoebe: Well, I'll come with you. Maybe something from my psyche class could be of use. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper is standing up at the bar and Leo's sitting on the floor staring at her legs.] Piper: That can't be right. How many swizzle sticks? Leo: Who's counting? (Piper looks down at him.) Uh, I don't know, a lot. You think you might of over ordered? Piper: No, um, they over shipped. (Leo hands her a box of swizzle sticks and the bottom falls out and they land on the floor.) Ohh. Leo: It's my fault. (Piper kneels down and starts picking them up. Leo looks at her.) Piper: What? Leo: (laughs) Nothing. (silence) Piper, are you mad at me? Piper: No, don't be ridiculous. Why would I be mad at you? Leo: I don't know, that's why I'm asking. What is it? Piper: It's just, um, Dan. Leo: Oh. Never mind, sorry I asked. (Leo stands up.) Piper: Um, he's-he's going to be... (Piper stands up.) he's going to be very upset when he finds out... (pause) you're the one that I really love. Leo: Yeah? Piper: Yeah. (They kiss.) Mmm, no wait, um, we can't do this. Leo: You just said... Piper: I-I-I know, but I really need to talk to Dan first. So count. Count. [Scene: Police station. The Darklighter walks in. He sees Maggie. He then magically changes into police officer clothes and stays near a corner of the room. Morris walks up to Maggie holding a cup of coffee.] Morris: I brought you some coffee. Maggie: Thanks. Morris: (to a police woman sitting next to Maggie) I'll take it from here thanks. Policewoman: Okay. (She walks away. Morris sits down next to Maggie.) Maggie: I saw her, you know. The angel, she saved me. Morris: I believe you, really I do. (She goes to take the cup of coffee out of his hand but knocks it and spills it on him. He jumps out of the chair.) Maggie: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Morris: I'm okay. I'm just gonna go wipe this off. Maggie: Maybe you should just stay away from me. People get hurt. (Morris walks into another room. Prue and Phoebe enter. Prue sees Maggie.) Prue: Alright, that's her. Phoebe: Any idea what you're gonna say to her about the whole angel thing? Prue: I'm not really worried about that, I'm more worried about her. I've been thinking. Maybe I could write a spell. Phoebe: A spell for what? Prue: Help put a little good luck in her life. Phoebe: That's really sweet but you can't keep using your powers to save her. Prue: I know, but maybe it'll help her turn things around, make her see that life's worth living. (A police officer walks past Maggie and she accidentally trips him. He knocks over the water cooler and water goes into all the cords and plugs.) Police officer: Thanks a lot. Prue: Okay, you see? Alright, I'm gonna need your help. How do I do this? Phoebe: You don't need my help. It's your connection. It just has to come from the heart. Prue: Alright, here goes. "From this moment on your pain is erased, your bad luck as well, enjoy your good luck Maggie, you're free from this hell." (Stardust comes out of Prue's hand and floats over to Maggie.) Phoebe: Whoa. (The Darklighter sees this. Morris walks in and slips on the water. Maggie stops him from falling.) Morris: Thanks. Maggie: Did I just do that? I mean, help you? Phoebe: Looks like her luck's changing already. Morris: Yeah, have a seat. You okay? Maggie: Yeah. Prue: Let's get outta here. (They walk towards the door.) Darklighter: (to himself) Not so fast. (Magic dust comes out of his hand and hits Prue. Prue stops.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Prue: Yeah, just a chill. (They walks outside to Prue's car.) Phoebe: I gotta tell you, for your first spell you packed quite a punch. Prue: You told me to speak from the heart, I did. Phoebe: Still, it took me a few times before my spell actually worked. Prue: Really? Phoebe: Mmm hmm. Prue: Well, it must be my lucky day. (Prue backs out of the parking space. A police car runs straight into the back of them. Phoebe hits her head on the dash board and gets knocked out.) Phoebe? Phoebe? (You see the Darklighter near by.) Darklighter: Your turn to be cursed, witch. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper and Leo are at the bar.] Leo: Piper, I'm going crazy here. Piper: We're almost done. Leo: That's not what I mean. Look, you can't come in here and tell me what you just told me and act like nothing's changed. I mean, everything's changed. Piper: I know, believe me, I know. But Dan is out of town and until he comes back... Leo: When, when's he coming back? Piper: Next Thursday. Leo: A week? Can you call him or something? It's just, you know, I-I've been waiting for this, for us, for so long. I don't wanna wait any longer. Prue: (from outside) Piper, are you there? Piper: Prue? (Prue and Phoebe walk in. Prue has her arm around Phoebe.) What-what happened? Prue: Oh, we got into a car accident. I wasn't looking. Leo: You guys okay? Phoebe: Yeah, we're fine. Prue: Phoebe's got a concussion. Phoebe: A mild one. Prue: Still, the doctor said that, you know, you should... Piper: The doctor? You went to the hospital? Phoebe, you... Phoebe: I'm fine, really. I just have a little headache. Leo: Oh, we got some aspirin around here somewhere. Prue: Phoebe, I am so sorry. Phoebe: Prue, it's okay, it was an accident, it wasn't your fault. Prue: Yeah, but you know, I should've been looking. I mean, I-I-I always look first. At least I didn't put you in the hospital this time. Phoebe: (to Piper) You lipstick's smeared. Piper: It is? (Leo holds up the aspirin and when Prue takes it off him, she knocks a box of swizzle sticks on the floor.) Leo: Uh, don't worry about it. I got it. Prue: Okay, I'm such a klutz. I can't seem to do anything right all of a sudden. Do you think that that spell backfired on me? Phoebe: Not possible, no personal gain. Piper: What spell? (Prue's phone rings. She answers it.) Prue: Hello? Yeah, Mr. Corso, there was a problem with the, uh, photograph. (She walks away.) Phoebe: She got this gig photographing this girl named Maggie Murphy. Leo: The unlucky Maggie Murphy? (Piper looks at him.) I saw a piece on her on TV. Phoebe: She's not unlucky anymore. Prue cast a spell to turn her luck around after she saved her from jumping off a roof. Piper: What? Phoebe: Yeah, pretty scary, huh? Piper: That's more than scary. Phoebe: It got to Prue too, big time. (Prue walks back over to them.) Prue: Alright, Mr. Corso said that if I don't get that photograph of Maggie, I can kiss my career goodbye. Like that's what I wanna do right now. Phoebe: Well, it's a good excuse to go check up on her. Prue: Yeah, I'm just gonna stop by the house (She moves backwards and knocks over a table of glasses. Piper freezes them before they all hit the ground.) Piper: It's okay. Phoebe: I'll drive. Because you didn't get collision on the rental. Prue: Here, do you want the keys? Phoebe: Yes. (Prue gives her the keys.) Thank you. (They leave.) Piper: Uh ugh. (She unfreezes the glasses, they fall on the floor and smash. Leo looks at the broken glass on the floor.) What? I'll clean it up. Leo: No, it's not that, I was just thinking about Maggie Murphy. Piper: What about her? Leo: It's just that she was doing all these good things in her life and then all of a sudden her own life goes to hell. Piper: So, what Leo: I don't know. What if, you know, all these accidents in her life weren't actually accidents. I mean, what if something was trying to make her jump. Piper: Something like Leo: Like a Darklighter maybe. [Scene: Mental Home. Maggie is with a woman. She's helping her down the corridor.] Maggie: It's okay Mrs. Idleman. Let's just get you out in the sunlight and let you see what's going on in the world. That's it, you're doing fine. [Cut to Prue and Phoebe. They're in the mental home talking to the Darklighter who is dressed as a doctor.] Darklighter: Maggie has made a remarkable turn around. Severely depressed this morning, now suddenly, she's smiling, laughing, helping others. However, I'm afraid her recovery is only temporary. Prue: Why do you say that? Darklighter: Once you've been on that ledge, Miss Halliwell you can never forget it. That deep dark place never goes away. It haunts you, beckons you back. Phoebe: That's not true. Darklighter: Oh, are you a psychiatrist? Phoebe: No, but I still don't think that that's true. Lots of people recover from depression. Darklighter: Not people in Maggie's rather unique situation. She still feels responsible for all the tragedies in her family's life. That pain doesn't just magically go away. Prue: Um, may we see her? Darklighter: Of course. (They walk down the corridor, magic dust comes out of the Darklighter's hand and hits Prue's camera bag. The Darklighter disappears. Prue and Phoebe walk up to Maggie.) Maggie: I hoped you'd come so I could thank you and ask you. I have so many questions. Prue: Maggie, I-I-I think you may have the wrong idea about me. Maggie: You saved my life. Prue: Yeah, but there was so much going on this morning. I mean, it was really confusing, there were so many people. Maggie: That doesn't change what you did. Who are you? Prue: My name is Prue. This is my sister, Phoebe. Phoebe: Hi, Maggie. Maggie: Two angels. Phoebe: Oh, no, I'm just a student. Prue: Maggie, how are you feeling? Better I hope. Maggie: Honestly, I feel great. I couldn't be happier. Phoebe: Even though you're here? Maggie: I'm alive and more importantly I feel alive again. I'm able to give, I'm able to help people. I haven't been able to do that for a while. Phoebe: That's really sweet. (Maggie notices Prue's camera bag.) Maggie: Are you a photographer? Prue: Yeah, sort of. Phoebe: Yes, she is. She's working for Four One Five magazine. Maggie: Oh, yeah. They're doing an article on me. Is that why you were at my place this morning, to take my picture? Prue: Yeah, but believe me, that was the last thing on my mind. Maggie: No, no, no, it's fine. Maybe the article will help others. Help them realize not to give up either. Where do you want me? Prue: Oh, uh, I guess here is fine. (She gets a chair and Maggie sits on it.) Maggie: I just can't get over how everything's changed suddenly. I mean, I know I'm stuck here for a while but I feel like a thousand pound weight's been lifted off me. (Prue gets her camera and starts taking pictures.) I feel like my own self again. Phoebe: Um, Maggie, I'm taking a psychology class in school and I was wondering if I could ask you a question. Maggie: Sure, anything. Phoebe: I was wondering why you how you Maggie: How did I get on the ledge? Phoebe: Yeah. Maggie: I really don't know. All I know is I just wanted it all to stop. Phoebe: Wanted what to stop? Maggie: The voice in my head that kept telling me that I was hurting people not helping them. That I was causing pain and trouble wherever I went. That it was all my fault. It was like I was cursed. Phoebe: Maybe you were cursed. Maggie: I'm sorry, what was . Phoebe: Prue. Prue: Um, I have to go get these to the magazine right away. Phoebe: Did you just hear what she said? Prue: Yeah, look, uh, can you take a cab and take that home for me Phoebe: Why don't I drive you? Prue: No, it's fine. Bye Maggie. Maggie: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo and Piper are there looking through the Book of Shadows.] Piper: There's a whole section in here on Darklighters somewhere. Leo: Someone should really index this thing. Piper: Are you sure about this? Leo: Piper, I've been a Whitelighter for over 50 years. Piper: Okay. Leo: Prue's in trouble. (The phone rings.) Maybe that's her. (Piper answers it.) Piper: Hello? Prue? Dan: No, it's me, Dan. Piper: Dan, hi. Dan: You miss me? (Leo motions to Piper if she wants him to leave the room.) Piper: (to Leo) No. Dan: Really? Piper: Uh, I was talking to the cat. Are you in New York? Dan: Yeah, I'm in my hotel room. So what are you doing? Piper: Uh, just reading. How was your flight? Dan: It was fine. Hey, listen, maybe it's my imagination but I sensed a little something going on. Or not going on at all, if that makes any sense. Piper: Um, everything's fine. Dan: So that feeling that you had something important to tell me but didn't wanna ruin my trip, that's just all in my head? (Piper gets distracted by Leo.) Piper? Piper: Huh? Um, I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted here. Um, can we talk when you get home? Dan: Right. Um, hey, listen, you know what? You don't have to worry about picking me up at the airport. I'll, um, I'll just catch a cab back to my place and maybe we can go out to dinner. Piper: Great. Dan: Okay, I'll see you soon. Piper: Okay, bye. Dan: Bye. (Piper hangs up.) Piper: I'm sorry. It's just, it's difficult. I am going to break up with him but I can't do it when he's 3000 miles away. I have to be fair to him. Leo: I understand that, totally. I really do. I'm glad that you're the kind of person that would give him that kind of respect. Piper: Thank you. Leo: Now, here's what I'm really worried about. (He shows her a page in the book.) Read this. (The page says: Darklighter - Forces good souls into suicide through telepathic suggestion. Very dangerous.) Piper: You gotta be kidding. [Scene: Photographic studio. Mr. Corso is looking at Prue's pictures of Maggie. They are all blurry.) Prue: I-I don't understand. I checked it in my camera myself, it was fine. Mr. Corso: What am I supposed to print with the article. What am I supposed to do, huh? Prue: I'm sorry. Mr. Corso: You're sorry? I gave you a chance. I believed in you and this is what I get? You're a fraud. Prue: Wait a second, look Mr. Corso: No, you look. Lady, you're fired. No, you're worse than fired. I will make sure nobody hires you again. Now go on, get out, go screw up somebody else's life. (Prue goes outside into the hallway. She stops.) Prue: Alright, I can handle this. Everything's gonna be fine. (The Darklighter appears.) Darklighter: No, it's not. He's right, I'm a fraud. I only hurt people. It's all my fault. I'm responsible. (Prue keeps walking.) [Scene: Manor. Phoebe comes through the front. Piper and Leo come down the stairs.] Phoebe: Hi. Piper: Phoebe, where's Prue? Phoebe: Uh, probable at the magazine. Why? Leo: There may be a Darklighter after her. We need to find her fast. Phoebe: What? Leo: Yeah, when you got in that car wreck, was it right after Prue cast that spell on Maggie? Phoebe: Yeah, why? (Piper picks up the phone and dials a number.) Leo: The Darklighter must have seen her cast it. Piper: Why isn't this going through? Phoebe: Maggie thought that she was cursed. Leo: She probably was until Prue turned her luck around. See, there's a certain type of Darklighter that drives future Whitelighters to commit suicide. Phoebe: What do you mean? Leo: Well, the only way to keep a Whitelighter from becoming one is to have them take their own life. To lose their souls forever. Piper: They curse them . They bring their victims self doubt, bad luck, the kind that hurts other people. Leo: And then reinforce that by praying on their thoughts, make them think that they are responsible for all the pain when they're actually not. Phoebe: Well, that's not suicide, that's murder. Leo: Not technically. They never actually push their victims, they just always compel them to jump. Phoebe: So Prue didn't save Maggie from herself, Prue saved Maggie from him. Piper: What is wrong with her phone? Leo: And that's why the Darklighter's after Prue. If he destroys Prue, he destroys the good luck spell and leaves Maggie unprotected. Phoebe: Well, he's not gonna get to Prue. I don't care what he tries. (Phoebe puts Prue's camera bag in a cupboard.) Piper: Phoebe, he knows her thoughts, he can make her think anything he wants her to think. Phoebe: Piper, this is Prue that we're talking about, okay. She is so... (A roll of film falls out of the cupboard. Phoebe bends down and picks it up.) She wouldn't even think of... (she has a premonition of Prue when she was younger, on the bridge crying.) Piper: What? Phoebe: You guys are right. We have to get to Prue. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's trying to call Prue.] Phoebe: The cellular subscriber is two in the calling area. Damn it. Piper: Try calling the magazine. Phoebe: I already did, they said she left a half an hour ago. Piper: Okay, then keep trying her cell. Are you sure your vision was of the past and not the future? Phoebe: Positive. Piper: Could you tell how old she was? Phoebe: Around twenty. It was the same time that we had that other accident. Leo: What happened? Phoebe: Oh, Prue was driving and she ran a red light. We didn't even hear the other car honk. Piper: Phoebe was the only one hurt. She was in the hospital for over a week. It scared the hell out of us. Phoebe: Prue never forgave herself. Piper: It was a really rough time for her. For all of us actually. Leo: Why? Piper: Well, Phoebe and I were teenagers and Grams was extremely over protective. Phoebe: But she was hardest on Prue. She kind of made Prue take care of us. She didn't let Prue go away to school. She wanted to go back east to be a photo journalist. Piper: But Grams knew that we were gonna become witches and she wasn't gonna let anything jeopardize that. Phoebe: Still, you know what? I don't care what was happening, Prue would never even consider... Piper: I know, but you saw her. Phoebe: Okay, what I saw was Prue taking picture and she was very sad but that doesn't mean she was actually gonna jump. Leo: Yeah, but the Darklighter will make her think that she was going to. He'll mess with her head and try and take her back to that same dark place. And he'll say whatever he has to and make her do something she would never otherwise do. Piper: Okay, so if we can't find Prue, how do we find the Darklighter? Leo: You can't without a Whitelighter. We sense each other. (The phone rings. Phoebe answers it.) Phoebe: Prue? Prue: Hey, Pheebs. Piper: Is it her? Phoebe: Yeah. Where are you? Prue: I don't really know but I can't start my car and-and this stage just really sucks. Phoebe: None of what's happening today has anything to do... (The phone starts crackling.) Prue: Hello? Phoebe: Prue, can you hear me? Prue: Um, look I-I lost my job and can you guys please come and get me? Leo: You have to tell her about the Darklighter. Phoebe: I'm trying. [Cut to Prue. You see the Darklighter standing behind the car.] Prue: Phoebe, I can't hear you. (Magic dust comes out of the Darklighter's hand, hits the phone and the phone goes dead.) Phoebe: Hello? Damn it. I lost her. (Prue gets out of the car and walks down the road. The Darklighter follows her.) [Cut back to the manor.] Piper: Okay, what do we do? We have to find her. Phoebe: Where do we start? Piper: We start at the magazine. Back track from the magazine. That's where she was last. Phoebe: She could be anywhere. Leo: How about the Book Of Shadows? You could try scrying. Phoebe: I don't think we have the time for that. Piper: Well, maybe we need a little luck. A little good luck. Phoebe: Maggie? Piper: We need a map. Phoebe: Okay, I'll check the car. (Phoebe leaves the room.) Leo: I'm going with you. Piper: No, no, no. Somebody has to stay here in case she comes back or... Leo: Piper. Piper: If we find her, the Darklighter will be too. And if he recognizes you... Leo: Piper, I hate this. Alright, I hate not being able to look after you guys. Piper: I know, I'm sorry. [Scene: Prue's walking down the street. The Darklighter is following her.] Darklighter: What's happening to me, what's the matter with me? I gotta keep moving, keep walking. I've been this dark place before, I remember. No one can help me. I'm all alone. Keep walking, yes, keep walking. Prue: Okay, Prue, keep it together. This isn't me. I'm a good person, I do good things. (A skateboarder is skateboarding down the pathway. Magic dust comes out of the Darklighter's hand and hits the skateboarder. The skateboarder loses control, Prue sees he's about to hit a woman and a baby and she uses her power and he rolls on the road straight in front of a car.) Oh God. Darklighter: I almost got him killed. Just like I almost got Phoebe killed. Run. Run! (Prue runs off.) [Cut to the mental home. Maggie's playing Gin with a woman. Piper and Phoebe walk in the room.] Phoebe: Maggie, hi. Remember me? Maggie: Of course. Phoebe: We need your help finding Prue. Maggie: Prue? Phoebe: Your angel. Piper: She's in trouble. Big trouble. (They take her outside the room.) Phoebe: The kind of trouble you can relate to. Maggie: What can I do? (Phoebe unfolds a map and holds it up.) Phoebe: We need you to point anywhere on this map. Piper: We need a little of your luck. Maggie: But I don't understand how... Phoebe: Please, it'll help, trust me. (Maggie closes her eyes and points to the map._ Maggie: Here. (Piper and Phoebe look at the spot on the map.) Piper: It's close by. Phoebe: Thank you. (They walk away.) [Cut to the manor. Leo's walking around. He sits on the stairs looking frustrated.] [Cut to Prue. She's looking up at the bridge.] Darklighter: It's okay, no need to be afraid. I know what needs to be done. It's the best thing. The best thing for everyone. It's something I should've done a long time ago. Jump. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: On the bridge. Prue walks over to the side.] Darklighter: That's it. It's the only way. It's the only way to save the one's I love. I should've done it before. Eight years ago. Prue: I didn't want to. Darklighter: But if I had, loved ones would still be alive today. Like Andy. I'm responsible for Andy. (Prue starts crying.) Prue: Andy. Darklighter: It's all my fault. Jump. Jump. [Cut to the attic. Leo's searching through the Book Of Shadows.] Leo: There's gotta be something in here. Damn it! I can't just sit back and do nothing. Think, think! (He looks up.) Give me my powers back. I want my powers back. I want my powers back, I want them back now! I can't keep being mortal if this is the cost. I don't wanna lose Piper. Not at the expense of losing one of her sisters. This is my calling. You have to let me help. You have to give me my wings back. (Leo's hand starts glowing.) [Cut to Phoebe and Piper. They get out of the car.] Piper: Are you sure this is right? Phoebe: This is where Maggie pointed to. Piper: But she's not here. Phoebe: She's gotta be here somewhere. (They look up at the bridge.) Piper: Oh my God, Phoebe. Phoebe: Prue! (Piper starts running up the hill.) Wait, wait, we'll drive there. Piper: No, there's no time. Come on. (They run up the hill.) Prue! Phoebe: Get away from the railing. Prue! Prue, this isn't you. The Darklighter is making you do this. Darklighter: I'm all alone. Prue: Alone. Piper: He tried to kill Maggie and he's trying to kill you. Phoebe: He put a spell on you just like he did with Maggie. Darklighter: There is no Darklighter. It's only me. Prue: Just me. Darklighter: I have to do this. Piper, Phoebe: Prue. Phoebe: You're stronger than he is. Darklighter: Jump damn it. Hurry up. End it before I hurt them again. Piper: Prue, you have to believe us. Phoebe: He's there, turn around, Prue. (Prue turns around.) Prue: It's true. Darklighter: How did you... Prue: You b*st*rd. How dare you hurt people this way. (She uses her power and he hits the railing.) Darklighter: It's a gift. You'll jump for me sooner or later. I haven't lost anyone yet. Prue: You lost two today. Darklighter: But remember, you can't stop me. (Leo appears and tackles the Darklighter.) Piper: Leo? Leo: You alright? Prue: Yeah, I think so. (Phoebe and Piper run over to Prue and hug her.) Leo: I gotta go. (Leo orbs out with the Darklighter.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are looking at an old picture of the bridge that Prue took.] Prue: Well, the bridge hasn't changed much has it? Piper: But you sure have. Prue: Well, we all have, for the better. Piper: Prue, Phoebe and I were wondering... Prue: What? Why I was on this bridge eight years ago. Why I took this picture? Piper: Well, yeah. Prue: I don't know. I guess I was just in a really bad place then. Anyway, I was out scouting for a shot and I found myself on the bridge and I just wanted to take the picture of it to remind myself of that particular moment and how I was feeling. Piper: But you weren't gonna... Prue: No. No, I would never ever do that. Phoebe: But why didn't you develop it? Prue: I guess I just wasn't ready to relive that pain. But now I am. Especially since a demon tried to take advantage of it. But that was then... (she puts the photo in the fireplace and it burns ) and this... (she opens a magazine up to the article on Maggie.) this is now. Piper: What's this? Prue: Hi, it's me, I'm a professional photographer. Look. (She points to her name under the photo.) Phoebe: Yay. (The doorbell rings.) Piper: I'll get it. Phoebe: Wait, what is it's Dan? What if he's back from his trip early? Piper: Well, then I have to tell him the truth. Just because Leo has his wings back, doesn't change anything. (Piper goes to answer the door. Phoebe looks at Prue's photo.) Phoebe: Awesome. Prue: I know. Phoebe: I'm so proud of you. Prue: Thank you. [Cut to the foyer. Piper opens the door.] Piper: Leo, you rang the bell? Leo: Yeah, I wasn't sure how you'd feel about me orbing in. (Leo walks inside.) Piper: I'd feel okay. Leo: Look, I just wanted to let you know that this wasn't their idea. It was mine and it's-it's not something I wanted to do, it's just... Piper: Leo, I meant what I said and I thought about this a lot. Whitelighter or not, we can find a way to make this work. Somehow, someway. Leo: I'm gonna hold you to that. Piper: You do that. (They hug.)

Plan: A: San Francisco; Q: Where does Prue get her first photography assignment? A: the bad side; Q: What side does Prue get on? A: a spell; Q: What does Prue cast on Maggie? A: Maggie Murphy; Q: Who is the "unluckiest woman in San Francisco"? A: a future whitelighter; Q: What is Maggie Murphy? A: his revenge; Q: What is the darklighter looking to take out on Prue? A: her terrifying messages; Q: What does the darklighter send Prue? A: Piper and Phoebe; Q: Who is racing against time to save Prue? A: Leo; Q: Who makes a huge sacrifice to stop the darklighter's plan? A: his wings; Q: What does Leo get back? Summary: When Prue gets her first photography assignment, photographing the "unluckiest woman in San Francisco," she unintentionally gets on the bad side of a darklighter when she casts a spell on Maggie Murphy - a future whitelighter. Looking to take his revenge out on Prue by sending her terrifying messages telepathically, Piper and Phoebe are racing against time to save Prue before she takes her own life. Leo then makes a huge sacrifice to stop the darklighter's plan and ultimately gets his wings back.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Klaus: I assume I have the misfortune of speaking to my mother. Esther: I have come to heal our family. Klaus: She'd prefer to place us all in new bodies. Esther: Take the body of a mortal and all be happy again. It is time you bring Camille in. There's no need for this. Esther: My sons have taken quite the liking to you. [Chanting] Marcel: Proud werewolves on a witch's leash. I hope those rings you're wearing are worth it. Kol: You're gonna like me, Davina Claire, and I'm gonna let you pretend a while that you don't already. Esther: When he wakes, he'll make his own decision. Klaus: You declared war when you came after my family. You don't understand. Marcel: Slap them on a witch, can't do magic as long as they're on. Kol: Kidnapping. Rather unpleasant way to begin a family reunion. Klaus: Well, wait until you see how we end it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PARK / MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (At a park in an unknown location, children are playing football and playing on the playground as mothers push their children in strollers. Nearby, Rebekah smiles as she gently pushes Hope on an infant swing) Klaus: (V.O.) We arrive into this world as innocents. Wide-eyed. Vulnerable. It is the job of our parents to nurture and protect us. Unfortunately, our own parents failed miserably at even the most basic of parental tasks. But, we are not beholden to the past they created for us. (The camera cuts to the MIKAELSON MANSION, where Klaus and Elijah are having breakfast in the dining room with Kaleb/Kol and Vincent/Finn, who are still bound with their enchanted manacles that prevent them from doing magic. Compelled servants in suits place platters of breakfast pastries on the table) Klaus: Today, a new future awaits. Forget your animosity toward Elijah and myself. Instead, join us against she who truly deserves your ire: our mother. (Kol rolls his eyes, and Finn just looks bored) Do this, and we will welcome you with open arms! Kol: Well... (He reaches for a plate of pastries with his shackled hands, but Klaus pulls it out of his way. Kol sighs and rolls his eyes again) Klaus: But, if you continue to oppose us, a denial of pastries will be the least of your concerns! Kol: (sighs) If all you wanted was my allegiance against Mother Dearest, you should have said so! Save me a night shackled to the wall. Elijah: Yes, this was Niklaus. My recommendation was to remove your limbs, one by one, until you comply. Klaus: (laughs and stands up) We've... we've no desire to torture you. (He stands behind Kol and Finn and squeezes their shoulders with his hands) Provided you vow to stand beside us! Finn: (shrugs out of Klaus' grip) Brothers... Does that word even apply to us? After all these centuries of betrayal? (He glances backward at Klaus) And, has loyalty to you ever rewarded? If so, tell me, Niklaus, where is our sister, Rebekah? (Elijah glares at Finn as he continues speaking in voiceover. The camera cuts back to Rebekah at the park, still playing with Hope) Finn: (V.O.) She was blindly loyal to you for a thousand years, and now? Nowhere to be found. (The scene returns to the compound at the breakfast table) Where did our sister go? And, how did she escape your vile machinations? (Klaus, whose back has been turned to him, is clearly nervous and suspicious, but laughs fakely to cover for it before he turns to face them) Klaus: Heh! You think me vile? What, then, do you make of the one who cursed us? Finn: (frustrated) She was trying to make you mortal again! (Elijah grabs a knife off the table, clearly suspicious and annoyed by Finn's words) And, you both refused her. (He laughs darkly) It only proves how far you've fallen. But, I expect Rebekah will have a different response to her proposal. (At the park, Rebekah turns and sees a starling watching her from the nearby playground) See, unlike the two of you, she always did cling to her humanity. Elijah: (angry) Rebekah is off-limits to you. You pursue her, and you will suffer. (Finn and Kol both look surprised by Elijah's outburst, as does Klaus) Klaus: Do not let him goad you, Elijah. Neither he, nor Esther, will find Rebekah unless she wants to be found. (He turns to Finn) And she does not. Finn: Esther is quite determined. (At the park, Rebekah looks incredibly unnerved by the starling. When she turns back again, an entire flock of starlings have perched themselves on the playground, all of them watching her. She looks horrified) She's been searching for Rebekah since the day she returned. I imagine it's only a matter of time. (Elijah completely loses his temper, grabs Finn by the collar, and slams him onto the table before vamping-out and feeding on him) [SCENE_BREAK] [ CREDITS ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Upon returning to the scene, Klaus has pulled Elijah away from Finn and shoves him against a nearby wall. Elijah puts his hands up defensively, so Klaus backs off and pulls Elijah's handkerchief out of his pocket so he can clean up) Klaus: I enjoy a good blood-letting as much as anyone, but our brothers have power, as well as knowledge of Esther's plans. (Elijah wipes the blood off his face while he listens) We need them alive. Elijah: (whispers) Imagine what they would do to Rebekah. To Hope. Klaus: Rebekah has been cloaked by powerful magic. Focus on the task at hand. (He lowers his voice) We need to persuade our brothers. Elijah: I'm through with persuasion. (Elijah is about to leave, but Klaus grabs him by the shoulder and stops him) Klaus: Has the earth shifted on its axis? You needing restraint from me? (Elijah looks taken aback, but he's distracted when his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it when he sees its Rebekah) Rebekah: (frantic) It's me. I have the baby, and we're on the run. Esther found us. We're safe, for now... I've lost her bloody starlings, but I have no idea where to go. Klaus: Tell her to head west. I'll call Hayley. Rebekah: (yells) Do not tell Hayley! Esther's too smart for that. The only advantage that we have is that she thinks the baby died. Text me the plans. (She gets into her car with the baby. Elijah hangs up with a sigh) Elijah: Go. I'll take care of Kol and Finn. Klaus: (annoyed) Splendid. And, in your hands, I assume they'll be dead by nightfall. Elijah: I will show restraint. Hope needs her father. Klaus: What she needs... what we need are allies to help us defeat our mother. Finn and Kol must be turned to our side. Without their help, there will be nowhere left for Hope to run. Elijah: Niklaus, your child... Klaus: (interrupts him) I have waited months to see my daughter. (He swallows, clearly unhappy with this plan) I can wait one more day. (Elijah looks at him sympathetically before he gets ready to leave) Klaus: Elijah. Do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Elijah: I give you my word. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE BAYOU ] (Hayley, Jackson, and Aiden are outside of Jackson's trailer, discussing their current problems) Aiden: The wolves are freaking out. They know it had to be an insider who took down Vincent last night, seeing as no one could have been anywhere near him. Jackson: Did anyone suspect it was you? Aiden: (shakes his head) No, not yet. But, they're gonna figure it out, which pretty much means I'm screwed unless we come up with a plan. Hayley: Call a meeting. The whole pack, tonight. If they're so scared, now's the perfect time to convince them they need to ditch Esther. Aiden: (holds up the hand that wears his ring) She gave them moonlight rings. Hayley: Well, those rings make you slaves. Aiden: No! They make us powerful. We were exiles before, but now we run the city! The vampires are scared of us, and nobody, including me, is just gonna walk away from that because... Jackson: (stands and approaches Aiden) Set the damn meeting. (Jackson walks away. Hayley gives Aiden a look before she catches up with him near the dock of the pond, where he has just opened a can of beer) Hayley: So, are you gonna work on a rousing speech, or just get day-drunk? Jackson: Little bit of both. Hayley: (snatches the beer from him) Jack, it's ten A.M. (Jackson turns away from her and goes to lean against the boat house. Next to him is a small table covered in books, and he grabs a brown, leather-bound journal off of the top of a pile) Jackson: You know, for months, I wrote down every single word Ansel said. The entire history of our people. If only I'd known he was Klaus' father, I would have asked him a hell of a lot more. You know, I was up all night looking through this, trying to find something, anything that will help me figure out how to get our people back together. (He tosses the book back onto the table) Hayley: Let me guess... no such luck? Jackson: (sighs) Nothing viable. And now, Ansel's dead... along with Ollie. So, forgive me if I need a beer, 'cause right now, I can use all the help I can get. (Jackson grabs his drink and walks away. Once he's out of sight, Hayley surreptitiously grabs the brown leather journal so she can read it) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] (Marcel, Josh, and Davina are in Marcel's living room, where Davina is in the middle of catching them up) Davina: I screwed up, you guys. I was with Kaleb last night, and he took the white oak stake when I was asleep. (Josh closes his eyes and sighs before giving Marcel a knowing look) I-I'm sorry, I never should have trusted him. Marcel: Kol doesn't have the stake. Klaus does. (Davina looks confused and upset) Matter of fact, Klaus has Kol, too. Davina: Wha...? How is that possible? Marcel: D, I'm the one who took him. (Davina looks angry) I saw an opportunity, and I wasn't gonna pass it up. Trust me, we are all safer this way. Davina: Not Kaleb! Klaus will kill him! Marcel: His name isn't Kaleb, it's Kol. And, Klaus has had a thousand years to kill him, and he hasn't. So, worry less about him, and more about yourself. Alright? This guy is not your friend. He wants to use you to get his own way! Davina: (angry) You don't know him like I do. Marcel: I know him better than you do. (Marcel stands and walks toward Davina, while Josh leans back in his chair, clearly uncomfortable) Now, I'm sorry I had to go behind your back. And I hate lying to you, I really do, but believe me, this is for your own good. (He pauses) I gotta take care of some business, alright? Stick with Josh. Everything's gonna be okay. (Marcel grabs his coat off of a nearby chair and leaves. Davina continues standing in front of where Josh is sitting, not at all happy about this development) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Kol and Finn are still in the dining room, wearing their enchanted manacles. They talk while Finn holds a towel to his neck where Elijah bit him) Kol: Elijah is off his bloody rocker. We need to get out of here. (He looks at Finn, who is silent) Are you gonna help me, or what? Finn: If you were a little more clever, you would recognize that there is opportunity in our current circumstances. Kol: Opportunity to what? Get a beating? (Suddenly, the doors open, and Klaus walks in to join them) Klaus: Gentleman! I apologize for keeping you waiting. Good news is, I've returned with an old friend. Someone who wants to say hello. (Kol and Finn watch as Marcel follows Klaus into the room, looking pleased) Marcel: (smiles widely) Hello! (Finn rolls his eyes and sighs) How's it going, fellas? Kol: Ah, you again. You ever get bored of getting bullied by my brother? Marcel: (chuckles and takes off his jacket) Oh, I volunteered for this. Kol: Did ya? Marcel: The way I see it, you have it coming. (He shoves Kol roughly in the chest) First, you messed with Davina. (He continues pushing Kol backward) Now, I hear you wanna drag Rebekah into all this. Uh-uh. Not happening. Klaus: Well, I'd prefer you both to join me against our mother. But, I'll happily settle for one or the other. Either way, if you continue to defy me, your lives will be reduced to an unending sequence of agonizing torture! (Klaus smiles at them. Kol looks torn and turns to Finn, who maintains his poker face) So, which is it to be? (After the break, Marcel drags Kol by the chains into a room upstairs before he throws him into an armchair) Marcel: I gotta say, I'm gonna enjoy this! Out of the whole, twisted family... (Kol tries to stand up, but Marcel shoves him back down) Sit down... You were the one I liked the least. Kol: (pants anxiously) Yeah, well, there's a pretty young lady who disagrees with that opinion. Marcel: Then let me make myself perfectly clear. You go near Davina, I'm gonna cut off parts of you that you'd rather keep. Kol: (bored) Ah, more threats. How bloody inventive. Thing is, Klaus needs me. So, that backs you into a bit of a corner, doesn't it? Marcel: Oh, until we get rid of your mom. I wonder what happens then? Kol: Well, Klaus might not need me if my mother's gone, but you might! (Marcel looks confused as Kol leans closer to him) Come on, Marcel. You were king of the city once. Do you really think he's just gonna give it back to you? Marcel: (laughs) You always got an angle, don't you? Kol: You see, individually, we can't do anything. But, together? Wow. Klaus wouldn't stand a chance. Marcel: (sighs) Probably not. (He picks up a knife off of a nearby table) But then, I'd have to trust you, and I don't. At least with Klaus, I know exactly what I'm getting. Kol: (shrugs) Well, I thought you had more fortitude, Marcellus. You disappoint me. Marcel: (leans in so he can look Kol in the eye) Nobody cares for your opinion. Klaus just wants to know what you're up to. Tell me everything, and maybe you get to live. (Kol seems uninterested) If not? (Marcel stabs Kol in the hand with his knife, pinning it to the arm of the chair, as Kol screams in pain) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] (Josh and Davina are talking in Marcel's living room) Josh: For the record, yes, I knew what Marcel was up to, and you can hate me if you want to, but... Davina: I don't hate you, Josh. I'm just sick of worrying about you. And Marcel. Most of all, I am tired of Klaus always being in the middle of it. (She throws a dart at the dartboard on the wall) You know, every time I try to stand up to him... Josh: (interrupts) It... hasn't worked out so well. (Davina shrugs in annoyance) Yeah, failure, a party of two? Davina: (smiles) You seem to be doing all right. Josh: Uh, yeah. Except that every werewolf in town is trying to kill me. Well, except for the super-hot one that I'm sort of dating. But, that's got its own problems, though. (Davina smirks, clearly interested in hearing more) It's kind of a... Romeo and Romeo thing. Davina: (pleased) And how hot is this Romeo? Josh: Well... (Josh rolls his eyes jokingly and pulls out his phone so he can show Davina a photo of Aiden) Davina: Pretty hot! Definitely worth the drama! Josh: Yeah... (Davina suddenly gets an idea) Davina: Invite him over! (Josh looks at her in confusion) Yeah, I wanna meet him! (Josh still looks unsure) Come on, do it! [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Klaus wanders into the ballroom, where Finn has once again been suspended by his wrists. Klaus has a roll of torture implements in his hands) Klaus: Do you think our mother is even the least bit concerned for your wellbeing? (Klaus pulls out a large knife and tests out how sharp it is) Finn: (weak) She knows I don't need rescuing. Klaus: (holds up his knife to Finn for his input) Hmm? (Finn remains silent, so Klaus shrugs and puts the knife down in favor of a different one) Eh. Finn: You can toy with me all you want, Niklaus, but you've had innumerable opportunities to kill me. Klaus: (points a sharp tool at him) But, I didn't, did I? (Finn smiles weakly, and Klaus puts down the tool) Finn, I understand your devotion to her. She must have clung to you with desperate need after our sister Freya died, making you believe it was your responsibility to care for her. Always and forever, mmm? A burden which you accepted without question, because you were a good son. Small children lack the capacity to question their parents, but you're a man, now, Finn. Finn: Is that the extent of your argument? I'm a man, now, so I should join your wretched cause? Klaus: Is it not better to join me, then spend the remainder of your mortal life aligned to a woman who always manipulated you? Brother, I offer you the opportunity to free yourself! Side with me, and I will give you the life she never once offered, a chance to choose your own path! (Finn remains silent) The choice is yours, brother! (Klaus exits the room, leaving Finn to consider Klaus' offer) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE BAYOU ] (Jackson is chopping firewood near his trailer when Hayley finds him) Hayley: You wanna stop playing mountain-man and explain why you kept this from me? (She holds up the brown leather journal, and Jackson sighs before dropping his axe) Why don't I jog your memory? (She starts to read from the journal) "The werewolves' power can be traced back to the myth of the Unification Ceremony, a ritual that bestowed certain unique abilities onto every member of the pack." (Jackson looks guilty, but remains silent) Do you believe this? Jackson: I didn't at first. And then Ansel swore he saw it with his own eyes. And then he dies, and I found out he was resurrected from a thousand years ago, which means he was alive to see it! Hayley: How did I not know about this? Jackson: You didn't grow up out here. Yeah, every kid grows up hearing the stories. Back in the day, werewolf bloodlines were all distinct, right? Some had speed, some had strength, some could sense enemies from miles away. Now, to evolve, we would perform a ritual. A shaman would marry the alphas of each bloodline, and then the special abilities of each would be... inherited, mystically, by everyone who participated in the ritual. See, after a few centuries, everybody had the same abilities, so alpha marriages became political. They became about... power, about territory. Hayley: (considers this information for a moment) But I have a unique ability. Because I'm a hybrid, I can control when I change! So, if this mystical marriage thing works, then our people get my power, and they can ditch the rings! (Jackson looks torn) Which means Esther no longer has a hold over them! (Jackson nods silently) Jack, this is exactly the answer that we've been looking for! Let's find a shaman, we'll say some vows. Hell, we'll make it a party! Jackson: (unhappy) It ain't just a party. If the vows ain't honored, it doesn't work. (Hayley's face falls when she realizes the implications of this ritual) It's gotta be a real marriage, in every way, for the rest of our lives. Are you up for that? (Hayley looks at though she wants to say something, but can't find the words. Jackson looks hurt) Didn't think so. (He returns to chopping firewood, leaving Hayley alone to think) [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAMI'S APARTMENT / KIERAN'S SECRET APARTMENT ] (Cami is sleeping in her bed when her phone rings. She looks groggy and groans, rubbing her head as she reaches over to answer it) Cami: Hayley, hey. What's up? Hayley: I need a favor. (The scene cuts over to the secret room in Kieran's old apartment, where Cami and Hayley are looking through Kieran's files. Cami groans again and rubs her forehead as she leans over the desk. Hayley looks at her in concern) Hayley: You sure you're okay? Cami: (sighs) Yeah, I must just be coming down with something. Hayley: I'm sorry to drag you out of bed for this. Cami: (smiles) Please. You just discovered an ancient marriage ritual with pretty drastic supernatural and personal implications. The least I can do is get out of bed. (Hayley smiles back at her) So, this is everything I found in my uncle's files about werewolf ceremonies and rituals. Mostly, it sounds like old folklore and fables. (Hayley nods silently. Cami looks at her sympathetically) But I'm guessing you're not here looking for some kind of proof. Hayley: (shakes her head) I don't know what I'm looking for. Cami: Not to pry, but... does Jackson have any answers? Hayley: He doesn't even want to talk about it. He doesn't even want to put me in this position. He's a good, decent guy, if those even exist anymore. Cami: (smiles) And, I'm assuming he knows about Elijah? Hayley: (shakes her head again) Elijah and I have barely spoken since I became a hybrid. But, still, he is... Cami: Under your skin? (Hayley looks at her knowingly. Cami clears her throat) Well, there is no right answer to this. (She starts to pull her hair back into a ponytail) You just have to figure out what's best for you, and think long and hard about your decision, because you're the one who's going to have to live with it. Hayley: (sighs) No pressure. (Cami turns to start putting the files away, and Hayley notices a vertical line of what looks like small pin-pricks that runs down the length of Cami's spine, which is visible through a small slit in the back of her shirt. Hayley looks worried) Hayley: Hey, what's that on your back? (Cami, concerned, walks over to a nearby mirror and turns so that she can see for herself. She looks at Hayley in horror) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ("Panama" by Destroyer plays in the apartment as Josh leads Aiden inside to meet Davina) Aiden: Nice music! Girl's got taste! (Davina smiles at him and walks toward him) Josh: Oh, please! That was my call. She wanted Puccini. (Aiden groans jokingly and makes a face, which makes Davina laugh. She holds out her hand to shake his and introduces herself) Davina: You must be Aiden! Super-cool, super-handsome... Aiden: (interrupts her) Werewolf traitor? (Davina's face falls, not sure how to respond. Josh clears his throat) I'm sorry, that was a dumb joke. Davina: (laughs) Hey, I was gonna go order some food. Do you like Thai? Aiden: (looks at Josh, who smiles) Uh, sure! Davina: Great! (She goes upstairs to order the food, leaving Aiden and Josh alone in the living room, both smiling) Aiden: That wasn't planned at all, was it? Josh: Nooope! (He pauses and watches Aiden examine Marcel's record player) Hey, you okay? The werewolf-traitor-thing... is there more trouble with your pack people? Aiden: Guess we'll find out soon enough. I actually called a meeting, tonight, for Hayley and Jackson. So, one way or another, it's all coming to a head. Josh: (nods and walks closer to him) You know, those people look up to you. I mean, trust me, I've seen you in action. You're a badass. (Aiden chuckles) So, just go in there and tell 'em what's what. Aiden: I'm not the alpha. Josh: No, but Jackson is. And, the pack respects both of you. So, if you stand with him, they will listen. One thing I learned from Marcel? Aiden: Hmm? Josh: Loyalty sends a powerful message. Aiden: (smiles) Hmm. Josh: And hey, look, if you, uh, get nervous, or, like, need a vote of confidence or whatever? Just remember that, uh, I think you're pretty amazing. (Josh reaches out and straightens the collar of Aiden's shirt as the two smile at each other. After a moment, they start to move in closer to each other, until finally, Aiden reaches up and cups Josh's face in his hand as they kiss for the first time. They continue to kiss gently for a long moment, until they finally pull away, overwhelmingly happy to be with each other) Josh: I'm a little surprised we don't hear clapping right now! Aiden: (laughs) Yeah! Josh: (calls out) Hey, Davina! You can come down, now! (Josh and Aiden turn toward the staircase, but get no response) Davina! [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] (Davina has sneaked away to the Claire crypt, where she pulls out Esther's grimoire and flips through it before she starts to gather supplies for a spell. She finds several vials of different colored fluids, a large metal bowl, and some dried herbs, and sets them on the table. She crushes the herbs in her fingers and sprinkles them in the bowl with a white, milky-looking fluid. She then holds out her hands above the bowl to start her spell) Davina: (repeats) A verte insiguinae, a tor a ver. (As she chants the spell, the bowl starts to spin itself rapidly until the contents have been thoroughly mixed into a black, sludgey potion. She lifts the bowl and hesitates for a moment before she starts to drink the concoction) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Kol is still in the armchair upstairs, where his hand is still pinned to the arm with a scalpel. He winces as Marcel continues his interrogation) Marcel: Now, we can keep doing this as long as you want. (He yanks the scalpel out of his hand, which causes him to yelp in pain) Or... (He bites into his wrist and forces him to drink his blood) ..I can kill you now, and turn you into a brand-new baby vampire. (Kol's hand starts to heal as Marcel holds the scalpel to his throat threateningly) Kol: Go on, do it. My mother's got plans for me, whether I like it or not. If I die, she'll just pop me into another body. Not that my family will care that much if the death was permanent. (Marcel stares at him for a moment before letting Kol go and removing the knife. He circles around the chair so he can face him) Marcel: What are you really up to? Hmm? What's it got to do with Davina? Kol: Heh, you think I'm gonna break her little heart? That's downright paternal of you, Marcel. (Marcel loses his temper and thrusts the knife in the air, ready to stab Kol with it, when Klaus rushes into the room and intervenes) Klaus: Easy, Marcel! Easy. Let's give Kol a little longer to decide before we lop off his head, hmm? Marcel: Comments like that? He already thinks that you don't care. Klaus: (intrigued) Is that so, brother? Kol: You only daggered me a dozen times. You always cared more for Marcel than you did for me. Klaus: Well, I didn't realize I had hurt your feelings. Kol: Yeah, well, that's the thing, innit, Nik? You don't know squat about me. Klaus: Thanks to Marcel, I know all I need to. (Kol rolls his eyes in frustration) You're desperate to be part of this family, aren't you? (Kol looks down at the floor and remains silent) All of your mischief was just attempts for attention. You know, the truth is, Kol, you're right to feel slighted. I mean that. You're right. But, perhaps there's still time to make it up to you. (Kol looks up at Klaus in surprise, and the two stare at each other) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER / OUT-OF-TOWN DINER ] (Hayley is standing on a street corner near the compound and holds her phone in her hand, unsure of what to do. After a moment, she dials Elijah's number) (Elijah is sitting alone in a booth and pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket when he hears it ring. When he sees that it's Hayley, he smiles to himself. He then notices a man sitting at the bar, staring at him as his phone continues to ring. Unnerved, Elijah ultimately ignores the call) (Hayley sighs and rolls her eyes when the call goes to voicemail, and she hangs up without leaving a message, looking disappointed) (A waitress comes by to refill Elijah's coffee. He's still suspicious of the man at the bar, and decides to get answers) Elijah: (compels her) Tell me, has there been anyone out of the ordinary today? Waitress: Just you. (Elijah smiles and nudges his mug toward her to top off his coffee. When she goes to pour it, she accidentally spills some on his his wrist and the sleeve of his shirt and jacket) Waitress: (feels guilty) Oh, I am so sorry, let me... Elijah: (unbothered) It's quite all right. Thank you. (The waitress gets the hint and leaves. Elijah dabs at the stain on his sleeve with a napkin, which sends him into flashbacks of his time being tortured by Esther. He remembers his dream of being covered in blood and chasing Hayley down a hallway that ends in a red door, as well as a memory from just after he killed Tatia after he had just turned, where he knelt outside of his family's home, wiping his face with a towel) Esther: ('voiceover/flashback) I told you to clean yourself up. If you were clean, no one would know what you are or what you've done. (In the present, Elijah, still scrubbing at the coffee stain, looks over at the waitress, who is whispering to the suspicious man at the bar. Both of them stare at Elijah, which makes him even more paranoid. He gets more flashbacks to the red door, and the door of his family's home in the late 10th/early 11th century, and becomes even more agitated) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Finn is still suspended by his wrists with his manacles in the ballroom, where Klaus once again returns to continue to try to turn him to his side) Klaus: (holds up the key to his manacles) So, brother, ready to embrace your new life of freedom? Finn: I'm already free, brother. Klaus: (pockets the key) You're aware our mother cares nothing for you? Finn: Niklaus, I assure you, my mother loves me. She loves all of her children. You would not exist without her sacrifice. (Klaus smirks, not believing him, and heads for the door, but he stops when Finn calls out to him) Finn: Do you even know the truth? That she was barren? And she grew so desperate for a family that she begged one of the most powerful witches in history for help. Her sister, Dahlia. Of course, Dahlia's price was high. She agreed to make our mother fertile, but in exchange, she sought the first-born as sacrifice. Having no other choice, our mother gave away our beloved Freya. Klaus: (still in disbelief) Our sister died of plague. Finn: Esther gave her away. Think about that. The pain, the grief. Klaus: (approaches Finn face-to-face) If what you say is true, then death is far too delicate a fate for her. Finn: She loves us more than you realize. Klaus: (angry) And is love the reason she wanted my child dead? Finn: She was trying to protect you from Dahlia's curse! Klaus: (shouts) 'WHAT CURSE? Finn: Dahlia demanded the first-born of every generation. Had your child lived, she would have paid the price! And, if anyone had tried to protect her, Dahlia would come and destroy us all. (Klaus glares at Finn, who looks almost scared) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DINER ] (It's nearly dark, now, and Elijah is still sitting at his booth as the waitress from earlier slowly walks past him. After a moment, Rebekah walks into the restaurant, with Hope in her baby carrier. Elijah immediately stands when he sees her, and she smiles at him. When she makes it to the booth, she sets Hope's carrier on the table, and Elijah smiles widely as he gazes at her. He and his sister share a hug, before he focuses all his attention on his niece. Rebekah sits down while Elijah picks up Hope and holds her) Elijah: (to Hope) Look at you. So big. So perfect. Rebekah: (smiles) Mmm. Elijah: I can't imagine the joy of spending every day with her. It's... Rebekah: ...Quite lovely. It feels so human. Elijah: Yes... some would argue the most human of experiences. Rebekah: (sighs) I know I have to give her back to Hayley when the time is right. But, she's made me realize how much I want that child of my own, that I know I can't have. Elijah: (rocks Hope) It's a lovely dream. Unfortunately, it's one that's just beyond our reach, considering the curse of our existence. Rebekah: Seems Esther's attacking with her usual fervor. Elijah: Yes, Mother tortured me for days with memories I thought I'd buried long ago. (He licks his lips nervously) Then, she made an offer... to make us all mortal again. (Rebekah looks stunned) You see, sister, Mother believes that by placing us in new bodies, we can then reclaim some kind of... purity. We can begin families of our own again. And, I have to confess, Rebekah... this invitation, however cruel in delivery, had a certain... appeal. (Rebekah looks at him sympathetically, and stretches her arms across the table so she can take Elijah's free hand in her own. He continues to gaze at Hope, not noticing when Rebekah spots a smear of blood on the sleeve of his shirt and becomes concerned. He notices her concern and misreads it) Elijah: You needn't worry. We're safe. (Rebekah licks her lips and puts on a fake smile before standing on her feet and grabbing Hope's blanket) Rebekah: Looks like this little one needs her diaper changed! (Elijah stands so he can hand Hope back to her) Rebekah: (to Hope) Here, my love. (She heads toward the bathroom across the restaurant. Rebekah's eyes widen in horror as she notices a smear of blood on the counter while she passes it. There's another bloody smear on the door to the kitchen. The waitress from earlier washes her hands at a nearby sink and has presumably been compelled to ignore the blood, because she seems unbothered by it, nor does she seem to mind that Rebekah is about to enter the kitchen. Rebekah gently kicks open the kitchen door and gasps when she enters sees a dozen bloodied bodies strewn around the room. She turns and shields Hope's face with her blanket to keep her from seeing any of the carnage. Elijah continues to stand near their table with his back to him, oblivious) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Klaus is in the middle of leaving Elijah a voicemail in the courtyard) Klaus: I'm done leaving messages, Elijah. To say that this is urgent would be a gross understatement. We need to speak immediately. (When he hangs up his phone, he senses Davina approaching him and sighs before turning toward her) Klaus: I was wondering whether you would show up. I'm afraid I'm not done torturing your darling Kol. You best run along while you still can. Davina: I'm not going anywhere, Klaus. (Marcel hears Klaus and Davina talking and rushes downstairs to intervene) Marcel: Whoa, D, today is not the day. Davina: Actually, I think it is. (She holds out her hand and twists her wrist, which snaps Marcel's neck and causes him to fall down the stairs. Klaus looks at her, unsure of what to do) Davina: Looks like it's just you and me now. [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] (Jackson is at the sacristy, where he is giving his speech to the Crescents) Jackson: I know you're angry and scared, but we are a pack. No matter what. (One of the werewolves leans stands up to address him) Werewolf 1: You've been checked out for months. Why should we listen to you? Aiden: (stands up) 'Cause he's the alpha! You got a problem with that? (Suddenly, Hayley appears at the door at the back of the room) Hayley: I want to hear what Jackson has to say. (Jackson looks shocked to see her. Hayley walks to the front of the room to join him) Werewolf 1: This is a pack meeting. You're not one of us anymore. Hayley: (faces him and holds out her arms) No? (Suddenly, Hayley's nails start to grow out like claws. Her hands start to transform into wolf paws, and her eyes glow gold. After a moment, she shifts back, and her arms and face go back to her human form) Hayley: I am still a wolf. And, I didn't need any magical rings to control when or how I change. You want the same? Then, sit down, shut up, and listen. (She smiles at them and looks back at Jackson, who looks at her in awe) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Klaus and Davina are still facing off in the courtyard) Klaus: You forget yourself. You're not as powerful as you once were, Harvest girl. Davina: (smirks) Doesn't mean I can't still kick your ass! (She thrusts her hand in front of her and telekinetically throws him across the room. His body flies through the closed double doors and breaks them, shattering them into broken pieces of wood and glass. She stops and confidently walks toward him, but when she gets to where he landed, he has disappeared. Suddenly, he vamp-speeds toward her and throws her down the hall. She screams as she flies toward a wall, hitting her head so hard her forehead starts to bleed as she rolls over and gets to her feet) Klaus: Such hubris! And from one who bleeds so easily. Davina: (panting) You talk such a big game, but you couldn't even kill Mikael when you had the chance! (She laughs darkly) He was right about you, you know? You're weak. (Klaus loses his temper and vamp-speeds toward her. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her head back so he can bite her neck. She screams in pain, but after he drinks a couple gulps of her blood, he starts to choke and gasp until he eventually falls unconscious. Once he is incapacitated, Davina smirks in triumph) (After the break, Davina is still looking at Klaus' unconscious body when Kol sneaks up behind her, somehow freed from his manacles) Kol: (rubs his sore wrists) It's impressive. What exactly did you do to him? Davina: I channeled dark objects through my blood to poison him. (She notices he's no longer shackled) How did you get free? Kol: Oh, it's a long story. Better question is, if he's not dead, then what are you gonna do when he recovers? Davina: We have an hour, maybe less. Enough time to chain him, bleed him, durmp him in the river. Kol: That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Davina: Since when do you care what happens to Klaus? (Marcel suddenly awakens from his snapped neck with a loud gasp. He pulls himself to his feet) Marcel: (rubs his neck) Kol is with us now. We're going to be going up against Esther, assuming Klaus is upright. (Davina looks at Kol, confused and slightly betrayed) Kol: Look, Nik is a pain in the ass, but, well... she's a problem for us all. Davina: (angry) Klaus is the problem! I don't give a damn what happens to Esther. (Cami arrives and joins the conversation) Cami: Yeah, well, I sure do. (She notices Klaus' unconscious body and looks horrified) Should I even ask? (Marcel shrugs and rolls his eyes toward Davina) Davina: Cami, you should go. It's not safe. Cami: No kidding! I woke up with puncture wounds all up and down my spine and no idea how they got there. According to my uncle's files, they're part of this ancient spell, and I don't know about you guys, but when I see ancient and spell in the same sentence, I think Esther. (Davina looks at Cami in concern) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] (Jackson and Hayley are still arguing their case to the rest of the Crescents, including Aiden) Hayley: You all need help, and you know it. Now, whatever it is that you think of me, I was born a Crescent. I'm the last of the Labonair line, which makes me an alpha. (She looks over at Jackson) Jackson is your alpha. Now, I don't know how many of you bought the story you grew up with, the Unification myth. Well, it is all true. (The crowd starts to whisper among themselves. Jackson looks over at Hayley, confused) Which means... if Jackson and I get married, anyone with the guts to turn up to the ceremony has as much control over their wolf form as I do. (The Crescents start to whisper louder) Jackson: (whispers) Hayley, what are you doing? Hayley: What needs to be done. (They look at each other for a long moment before Hayley turns to address the crowd) This isn't just about uniting our pack. It's about forming a new community. Jackson: (walks toward Hayley and puts an arm around her) This ceremony will change everything for us. It will give us the strength we need to defend ourselves. (In the audience, Aiden looks at his moonlight ring nervously) Then, and only then, can we finally have peace. (Hayley walks down the steps to face the Crescents) Hayley: The choice is yours. Keep the rings and be somebody's bitch, or be part of the greatest pack that ever lived. (The Crescents begin to chatter amongst themselves as Aiden rises to his feet to join Hayley and Jackson at the front of the room) Aiden: (smiles) I'm in! (Jackson grins, happy at this news, and nods at him in confirmation. Aiden takes off his moonlight ring and drops it onto the floor. Hayley smiles at Jackson) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Cami is sitting on a couch, chugging a glass of water, while Davina and Kol examine the puncture wounds on her back. Marcel sits near her) Kol: That's Mom's work, all right. She must have wiped your memory. Cami: Not the first time that's been done by a member of this family. What does it mean? Kol: It's a byproduct of a... preparation spell. Davina: Preparation for what? Kol: To make her a vessel. (Davina and Marcel both look horrified, and Cami looks confused and scared) Marcel: He means Esther prepared your body for someone to jump into. Kol: Likely herself. I mean, knowing Mother. (Marcel looks at him suspiciously. Cami becomes overwhelmed) Cami: Where's Vincent? (Cami goes to the ballroom, where Finn is still hanging from his wrists by his manacles. She storms toward him and immediately smacks him across the face) Cami: Why me? Out of everyone in this city? Finn: (weak) Because you're perfect. Healthy, beautiful, smart... and alone. No one would question any personality changes, and, as I discovered from my sessions, Niklaus would never allow you to be harmed. Cami: (furious) Fix this. Do something to stop it. Finn: (guilty) I can't. Only my mother can. Cami: I will step in front of a moving truck before I let your mother take over my body. Finn: (confused) She wasn't preparing you for herself, Cami. She was preparing you for Rebekah. (Cami's eyes widen in shock. She looks over toward Marcel, who is standing in the doorway) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DINER ] (Rebekah finally comes out of the bathroom after changing Hope's diaper and returns to the table with Elijah. Hope begins to whine restlessly, alerting Elijah to their return. He stands to help her put Hope back into her carrier) Rebekah: Well, she is all sorted, and ready for an adventure! Aren't you, my love? (Elijah smiles and watches as Rebekah settles Hope into her seat) Elijah: It's difficult to believe we were this innocent once. (He sighs deeply) We mustn't let the world ever hurt her. (Rebekah comes up behind Elijah and watches him suspiciously as she rubs his arm) Rebekah: You're right. We mustn't. (She quickly grabs Elijah by the chin and snaps his neck, allowing him to fall to the floor, unconscious. She sighs and looks overwhelmed) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Cami, Kol, Davina and Marcel are discussing their options in the courtyard) Cami: How long do I have? Kol: Well, now that Esther knows where Rebekah hiding... not long. The only way to stop it is to stop her. Cami: (takes a deep breath) Then, let's do this. Marcel's a vampire, you both are powerful witches. Marcel: (paces) Esther's stronger than anything I've ever seen. We go up against her... (He looks at Davina) ...We're going to need Klaus. Davina: (stands) No. No, we can do this without him! Kol: Uh, I'm never gonna say this again, but Marcel's right: we do need the b*st*rd. (Davina sighs, clearly unhappy, so Cami approaches her and grabs her hands in her own) Cami: Davina, I know this is asking a lot, but please. (Davina, understanding Cami's dilemma, walks over to Klaus' body and kneels by his head. She places her fingertips on his temple and murmurs an unintelligible spell under her breath. Klaus suddenly gasps as he awakens, and rolls onto his side before he begins to pull himself onto his feet) Klaus: (to the others) What did she do to me? Davina: All you need to know is that I beat you. Again. Klaus: And yet, you relented. You need me, don't you? (Davina rolls her eyes and sighs as he smiles) Did I really lose? [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] (The Crescents took off after the meeting, leaving Hayley and Jackson to discuss everything at the altar) Hayley: I'm sorry I sprung that on you. Jackson: You know, I always thought it would be me popping the question instead of being the one put on the spot. (He smiles at her good-naturedly, and she chuckles) Are you sure you want to do this? Hayley: (hesitates) Are you? (The two of them remain silent for a long moment as they stare at each other. Jackson gulps nervously) Jackson: I know you're only doing this to help our people. But, I promise I will be a good husband to you. (Hayley smiles at him, and Jackson rises to his feet, moving in front of her so they are on the same level. He takes her left hand in his and rubs it with his thumb) Jackson: Hayley Marshall, will you marry me? Hayley: (smiles widely and laughs) No ring? (The both start to laugh together as they continue to hold hands) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] (Kol has grabbed a plate and finally is able to eat all of the breakfast food from earlier. He starts to eat a croissant while he talks to Davina) Kol: Quite nice of you, coming to my rescue like that! Davina: You know, it's a good thing you didn't steal the stake from me. Or I would have been the one torturing you. Kol: Does that mean you trust me, then? (Davina just smiles and gives him a look, which makes Kol chuckle. After a moment, Klaus joins them) Klaus: Provided you're not busy concocting a new paralytic to use against me, I'd like a word with my brother. Davina: Well, to be honest, I can't stand being around you anyway. (Davina leaves, and Klaus can't help but laugh) Kol: For the record, I didn't know a bloody thing about Mother's plan for Cami, I swear. Klaus: Well, I think I can judge for myself which of her schemes she would entrust to you, and which she would not. (He sits across from Kol in an armchair) I believe this was Finn's task. Kol: (leans back against the couch) Where, pray tell, is he now? Klaus: He's waiting uncomfortably for me to return and deliver his punishment. Pass the beignets, will you? Kol: You know, it's only a matter of time before Mother gets bored of waiting for you to let us go. (He hands Klaus the plate of pastries) Klaus: (whispers) Thank you. Kol: Well, Finn, at least. I don't expect she'd care if I never came home. Klaus: (sighs) A mother cares for her children. A monster does not. Once you accept she's the latter, you'll stop expecting the former. And, despite what you might think, Kol, I did mourn you after your death. And, I did attempt to avenge you. I would do nothing less, because we are brothers. Always and forever. (Kol looks overwhelmed, and simply nods in understanding. Suddenly, Klaus' phone rings) Klaus: (smiles) Excuse me. (He steps away from the room to take the call. It's Rebekah, calling from the diner on Elijah's phone) Klaus: Where have you been? Rebekah: Nik, it's me. Something's wrong. Elijah slaughtered a dozen people, whose only sin was their terrible taste in food. I mean, when have you known him to kill when he could otherwise compel? It's the kind of act that will draw our mother's attention. Klaus: (sighs, horrified) Her torture must have affected him more deeply than I'd realized. Where is he now? Rebekah: I broke his neck to keep her safe, but I have no clue what to do next. (Klaus walks purposefully down the stairs) Klaus: Do you recall where we dined the Christmas after we fled Mikael? Rebekah: (confused) Of course... Klaus: (interrupts her) Go there. Now. (He hangs up the phone and heads toward the ballroom where Finn is still bound) Klaus: If you enjoyed last night's activities, then you're in for a treat! Finn: Niklaus, listen to me, our mother may... Klaus: (interrupts) Not another word! No more fairytales about witches and curses. Finn: (confused) If you think it's a fairytale, then why do I see fear in your eyes? Klaus: (unamused) MARCEL! Bring it in. (Marcel comes into the room, dragging Finn's old coffin behind him. Finn desperately pleads with Klaus as he yanks down his chains and drags him toward it) Finn: No! No! No, Niklaus! Klaus: Oh, don't worry, brother! I made some air holes! Small ones. (Klaus lifts Finn by the front of his shirt and throws him into the coffin. Finn begins to scream in fear as they close the lid on him. He begins to pound on the inside of the door as Marcel and Klaus head for the door. Before he leaves, Marcel puts a padlock on the lid to keep it closed) (Klaus is just about to leave the compound when he runs into Hayley, who was on her way inside) Hayley: Klaus, have you seen Elijah? There's something I need to tell you both. Klaus: You can tell me on the way. Hayley: (confused) What? Where are we going? Klaus: (turns toward her) To see our daughter. (They stare at each other for a moment, stunned, until Hayley finally rushes toward him, ready to leave) [ END ]

Plan: A: Rebekah; Q: Who is meeting with Elijah? A: months; Q: How long was Rebekah away from the family? A: a normal life; Q: What was Rebekah living with baby Hope? A: the run; Q: What is Rebekah on? A: powerful allies; Q: What does Klaus think Vincent/Finn and Kaleb/Kol would be? A: his brothers; Q: Who does Klaus want to turn against their mother? A: Hayley; Q: Who is conflicted about the ritual? A: an ancient ritual; Q: What do Hayley and Jackson stumble upon? A: a tremendous sacrifice; Q: What would the ritual require of Hayley? A: Davina; Q: Who takes matters into her own hands by turning to dark magic so she can poison Klaus? A: Cami; Q: Who finds out that Esther prepared her body for Rebekah to jump into? A: their daughter; Q: Who are Klaus and Hayley going to see? Summary: Rebekah, who was spent months away living a normal life with baby Hope, finds herself on the run when she realizes that Esther found them. Convinced that Vincent/Finn and Kaleb/Kol would be powerful allies in his fight to take down Esther, Klaus sets a plan in motion to turn his brothers against their mother. Meanwhile, Hayley is conflicted when she and Jackson stumble upon an ancient ritual that would get their werewolf packs out from under Esther's control, but would require her to make a tremendous sacrifice. The ritual is about Hayley and Jackson getting married so that their packs can have Hayley's hybrid powers. Elsewhere, Rebekah is meeting with Elijah and is concerned when she notices something is off with him. Finally, Davina takes matters into her own hands by turning to dark magic so she can poison Klaus, and Cami finds out that Esther prepared her body for Rebekah to jump into it. Lastly, we see Klaus talking with Rebekah about Elijah and then he and Hayley are going to see their daughter.

203 - The Nightmare Begins "In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Morgana's Chambers - Day A thunderstorm rages. Morgana stirs restlessly in her sleep and magically lights candle by her bed. GWEN: I brought you some extra blankets, I thought you might be cold... Gwen blows out the candle and puts it by the window. Morgana magically lights candle in her sleep again. She wakes, stares at the candle and makes the flame burn higher, burning her curtains. She screams and blows out her windows. Morgana's Chambers - Day Merlin cleans up the burnt fragments and glass. GWEN: I came back in with some extra blankets. There was a candle, but I put it out. UTHER: Are you sure? GWEN: I blew it out, I swear. ARTHUR: Gwen's been Morgana's servant for years. If she said she blew it out, I believe her. UTHER: She could've been burnt alive. ARTHUR: Lightning struck the castle roof last night, that could've started the fire. UTHER: Perhaps. ARTHUR: What other explanation is there? UTHER: Someone started the fire deliberately. Castle - Courtyard Corridor - Day Uther and Arthur walk down the corridor. UTHER: How did they reach Morgana's chambers unchallenged? ARTHUR: I don't know. There are too many guards. It shouldn't be possible. UTHER: And yet they managed to do so. ARTHUR: I can't explain it. UTHER: Well I can. They used magic. Arrest all those we have under suspicion. ARTHUR: That's gonna take time. UTHER: My ward has been attacked. Time is something we do not have. Gaius's Chambers - Day Merlin approaches the room and overhears Gaius and Morgana. GAIUS: What I don't understand, Morgana is how the fire started in the first place. MORGANA: It happened so quickly. It was terrifying. GAIUS: It's alright. You're safe now. MORGANA: You're the only person I've told about my dreams. I know I can trust you, Gaius. GAIUS: Yes, of course you can. MORGANA: It was me. I set the room alight. I started the fire. GAIUS: I don't understand. Did you knock a candle over? MORGANA: No that's not what happened. I did it just by looking at it, the flames suddenly leapt higher. GAIUS: I could've been a gust of wind. MORGANA: It wasn't. It was me. It was magic. GAIUS: My child... MORGANA: I'm not a child! GAIUS: Last night was an accident. It had nothing to do with you. How could it have? I am going to draw you up a fresh remedy that will make you feel better, I promise. MORGANA: No... GAIUS: You must trust me. Gaius's Chambers - Day Merlin sits while Gaius makes a potion. MERLIN: I was helping clear up Morgana's chambers earlier. GAIUS: Hmm? MERLIN: The window was blown out into the courtyard below. GAIUS: Hmm. MERLIN: It's odd isn't it? If lightning struck the window like Arthur said, you'd think the glass would've fallen inside of the window. It was magic. You know it was. More importantly, so does she. GAIUS: Morgana knows nothing for certain. MERLIN: Which makes it even worse. She isn't sure what's happening to her and it's tearing her apart. GAIUS: What would you have me do? MERLIN: Talk to her. Tell her she'll be ok. Tell her that her powers aren't something to be afraid of. GAIUS: I can't. MERLIN: Maybe I could speak to her. GAIUS: No, Merlin, you can't. MERLIN: What not? I understand what she's going through. GAIUS: You must never reveal your secret. Not to anyone. MERLIN: If not me, then someone else. GAIUS: Who? This is a kingdom where magic is outlawed, or have you forgotten that? MERLIN: There are those who still practice it. What about the druids? You said that they help people like this. GAIUS: Uther's vowed to destroy them. The druids cannot help her. It would be suicide. MERLIN: Then who can? GAIUS: I will. Like I've always done. MERLIN: Then you need to be honest with her. GAIUS: What makes you so certain that you know better than me? MERLIN: Because I went through the same thing. I know exactly how she's feeling right now. GAIUS: You cannot get involved in this. No good can come of it. I mean it, Merlin. Stay out of it! Castle - Griffin Staircase Arthur passes Merlin just as Merlin is about to visit Morgana's Chambers. Merlin hides flowers behind his back. ARTHUR: Ah, Merlin. I need you to...What are you hiding behind your back? MERLIN: Nothing. See? ARTHUR: What are you up to? MERLIN: What, nothing, honestly. Arthur, I would never lie to you. I respect you far too much for that. You wanted me to do something. ARTHUR: My chainmail needs cleaning. MERLIN: Oh, well...I'll see to it right away. Morgana's Chambers - Day Gwen opens the door to Morgana's Chambers. MERLIN: How is she? GWEN: I've never seen her like this before. I'm scared to leave her on her own. MERLIN: Is there anything I can do to help? Morgana stirs restlessly in bed. GWEN: I'd better get back to her. Merlin hands Gwen the flowers. GWEN: I'll make sure she knows who they're from. Morgana's Chambers - Night Gwen sits on the edge of Morgana's bed with her. GWEN: I can stay if that would make you feel better. MORGANA: You've done so much already. GWEN: I don't mind. MORGANA: I'll be fine. Really. Gwen squeezes her hand and gets up to leave. MORGANA: Gwen. Take the candle. Gwen takes the candle and leaves. Morgana tries to sleep, but wakes up and magically shatters the vase with Merlin's flowers in it. Gaius's Chambers - Night Morgana rushes in wearing her nightgown, almost hysterical. MORGANA: Is Gaius here? MERLIN: Er, no he's not here at the moment. He should be back soon though. MORGANA: I need to speak to him. Where is he? MERLIN: He's gone to see the King. What's wrong? You can trust me, Morgana. You know you can. MORGANA: I'm scared, Merlin. I don't understand anything anymore. I need to know what's happening. Please. MERLIN: Gaius will be back soon. He'll be able to help you. MORGANA: He won't. I don't any more remedies. They won't do any good. It's magic, Merlin. MERLIN: What? MORGANA: I'm your friend, you know I wouldn't make this up. MERLIN: Of course. MORGANA: Then you believe me? You think it's magic too. Please, Merlin, I just need to hear someone say it so I don't have to keep feeling like I'm imagining it. MERLIN: I really wish there was something I could say. Morgana backs away and walks out. MERLIN: Morgana. Morgana. Wait. Dragon's Cave - Night MERLIN: I need your help. Do you know where the druids are? KILGHARRAH: First you must tell me why you seek them. MERLIN: That doesn't matter. KILGHARRAH: It does to me. MERLIN: I need to ask them something. KILGHARRAH: I've lived more than a thousand years, seen civilisations rise and fall. Do not believe that you can lie to me. MERLIN: I need their help. (sigh) Someone I care about needs their help. KILGHARRAH: You speak of the witch, the Lady Morgana. MERLIN: She's not a witch. She's my friend. KILGHARRAH: She cannot be trusted. MERLIN: What makes you say that? KILGHARRAH: It would be better if The Witch... MERLIN: Stop calling her that! KILGHARRAH: It would be better if The Witch never knew the true extent of her powers. MERLIN: You're wrong. I know her. She has a good heart. KILGHARRAH: You failed to heed my advice in the past and it brought grave consequences. MERLIN: I won't abandon her. KILGHARRAH: I will not give you the help you seek. If you pursue this course of action, you do so alone. Arthur's Chambers - Day Merlin absentmindedly cleans Arthur's chainmail. Arthur enters with Leon, holding a scroll of parchment. ARTHUR: You sure this is all of them? SIR LEON: Names and last known dwelling places. ARTHUR: My father suspects the fire was started by sorcery. SIR LEON: Indeed, Sire. I've included the details of everyone we suspect of consorting with sorcerers, witches, or druids. ARTHUR: Gather the men. We'll arrest them immediately. I thought I told you to do that yesterday. MERLIN: I didn't have time. I was cleaning the stables. ARTHUR: That's strange. Because a little bird told me you were somewhere else. MERLIN: Mucking out the stables is strange and a talking bird isn't? ARTHUR: Merlin, what've we said about you trying to be funny? MERLIN: I shouldn't. ARTHUR: So where are my flowers? MERLIN: Your flowers? ARTHUR: I heard Morgana got some. I assumed you'd be putting them in all the rooms. Or is she the only one to receive a token of your affections? MERLIN: Yes. Er, No. Er...what? It's not a token of anything, affection or otherwise. ARTHUR: I see. So why were you trying to hide them from me yesterday? MERLIN: I wasn't. I mean, I was. Just, erm, I didn't want you to get the wrong impression. ARTHUR: And what's the right impression? MERLIN: That I was trying to cheer her up after the fire. ARTHUR: Pick them yourself? MERLIN: Maybe. I was only trying to be nice. ARTHUR: Sword. Merlin hands him the sword. ARTHUR: That'll be all. Merlin leaves and Arthur shakes his head. Lower Town - Forridel's House - Day Merlin sees people being rounded into the Square as he heads for the Lower Town. Merlin tries to enter a house. It's locked. MERLIN: Ic I Tóspringæ. The door unlocks. Merlin enters. A woman puts a sword to his back. FORRIDEL: Move and I kill you. MERLIN: Forridel? FORRIDEL: Who are you? MERLIN: There is no time to explain, we have to get out of here. The King's men are coming for you. Pounding on the door. GUARD: Open in the name of the King! Merlin and Forridel sneak out the back way and watch the house from around the corner. FORRIDEL: How did you know they were coming for me? MERLIN: I'm Prince Arthur's servant. FORRIDEL: You took a great risk, thank you. MERLIN: I'm just sorry I couldn't help them all. FORRIDEL: We better go. MERLIN: No, wait. I need your help. I'm looking for a way to contact the druids. FORRIDEL: I wouldn't know anything about them. MERLIN: You don't need to lie to me. FORRIDEL: I'm not lying. MERLIN: Please, if it wasn't for me, you'd be under arrest. You know I'm not a spy for Uther. I'm a friend of the druids. I need their help. FORRIDEL: What do you want to know? Morgana's Chambers - Night Morgana holds the door open for Merlin to enter. Merlin holds a bottle. MERLIN: Gaius asked me to deliver this. MORGANA: I don't need any potion, thank you. Merlin? Ignore what I said last night. I had a nightmare, I was upset. MERLIN: I know. I haven't said anything to anyone. MORGANA: I'm sorry. It's usually Gwen that has to deal with me when I'm like this. MERLIN: I don't mind. Maybe I could help. MORGANA: I doubt that. MERLIN: You'd be surprised. Merlin closes the door. MERLIN: I understand. I realise how frightening all this must be for you. Especially for you. MORGANA: Why especially for me? MERLIN: You're the King's ward. You know his hatred of magic better than anyone. MORGANA: That's what you think has been happening to me? The dreams. The fire. You think it was magic?! MERLIN: I'm not saying that. MORGANA: But it could be, couldn't it? MERLIN: I really wouldn't know, but there are people who do. MORGANA: Who? MERLIN: What about the druids? They help people like you. MORGANA: None of their kind would dare show their face in Camelot. MERLIN: No. But I know where you can find them. Morgana's Chambers - Day Warning bells ring in Camelot. ARTHUR: The guards have completed of the castle. There's no trace of her. UTHER: Encircle the city. No one gets in or out. GAIUS: You sent for me, Sire? UTHER: Yes. What time did you deliver the sleeping draught to Morgana? GAIUS: Well, I... ARTHUR: The guards said that Merlin delivered it after she retired to her chambers. UTHER: So she was safe them? GAIUS: Yes. Well, I suppose she must've been. Gaius's Chambers - Day Gaius grabs Merlin' shoulder and holds up the potion bottle. GAIUS: I didn't ask you to take this to Morgana last night. MERLIN: I used some initiative, I thought you'd be pleased. GAIUS: Those warning bells are ringing because Uther thinks that Morgana's been kidnapped. And you don't seem overly concerned. MERLIN: She can look after herself. GAIUS: Merlin, what have you done? MERLIN: What you refused to. I helped her. GAIUS: This ends now. People's lives are at risk, Morgana's included. Where is she? MERLIN: She's gone to the Forest of Essetir to find the druids. GAIUS: I told you not to get involved. MERLIN: I had to because you wouldn't even acknowledge she had magic. GAIUS: For good reason. MERLIN: No. You don't understand. You don't understand what it's like. The years before I came here were the loneliest of my life. GAIUS: Morgana is the King's ward. Her situation is completely different to yours. MERLIN: I know. I've got you, she hasn't. GAIUS: I've always taken good care of Morgana. MERLIN: It is not the same. Everything that's good and right about magic I've learnt from you. I'd be lost without you, Gaius. Like she is now. Do you understand why I did it? GAIUS: Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean I don't fear the consequences. Forest Morgana walks through the woods in a bright red cloak. She can hear menacing critter noises. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom UTHER: Have all the suspects been arrested? ARTHUR: Nearly. A few have gone to ground. UTHER: Issue a proclamation. "All the prisoners will be executed unless the Lady Morgana is returned to Camelot." ARTHUR: I'll see to it, Sire. Gaius's Chambers - Night Merlin sneaks out. He bumps a table. MERLIN: (whisper) Gestillan! Gestillan! Gestillan! The spell stops several objects from crashing. Merlin approaches some guards. MERLIN: Forbearnan firgenholt. The spell enhances a torch fire to scare off some guards. Merlin comes to the grate at the end of the tunnel outside the castle ramparts. MERLIN: Tospringe. The spell blows open the tunnel grate with magic. Forest - Night Morgana is attacked by serkets. A red cloaked man comes to her rescue as she passes out. Gaius's Chambers - Day GAIUS: Come on, Merlin! Out of your bed! You'll be late for work. Merlin? Merlin walks across country. Druid Camp - Morgana's Tent - Day Morgana wakes as someone strokes her forehead with a cloth. AGLAIN: I'm not going to hurt you. MORGANA: Ah...! AGLAIN: You've hurt your leg. Try not to move it. MORGANA: What happened? AGLAIN: You were stung by a serket. I came to help. My name's Aglain. Relax, Morgana. You're safe now. MORGANA: Who told you my name? MORDRED: (telepathy) I did. MORGANA: You. AGLAIN: When the serket attacked last night, Mordred was able to sense your distress in his mind. MORDRED: (telepathy) Hello Morgana. MORGANA: Did you hear that? How did you do that? AGLAIN: We don't always need words to speak to one another. MORDRED: Now I can take care of you like you did me. Tunnel Exit - Day Arthur, Uther, Gaius and the guards inspect the tunnel grate that Merlin blew off its hinges. ARTHUR: There's some confusion as to how that was broken. By the looks of these scorch marks... UTHER: There is no confusion. It was magic. The same magic that was used to start the fire in Morgana's chambers. Where does the trail lead? ARTHUR: To the forest of Essetir. UTHER: We've long suspected that the druids have hidden there. ARTHUR: The trail will lead us straight to them. UTHER: Take no prisoners. It's time we rid ourselves of these druids once and for all. Uther leaves. Arthur turns to Gaius. ARTHUR: Where's Merlin? GAIUS: Erm...He's, er, he's not well. ARTHUR: He's still upset about Morgana, isn't he? GAIUS: We all are. ARTHUR: Tell him to stop pining, pull himself together, and get back to work. Castle - Drawbridge - Day Arthur and Camelot guards depart with dogs. Forest - Day Merlin lights a campfire with magic. MERLIN: Forbearnan. Merlin hears distant telepathy...or at least a mishmash of dialogue from this episode. MERLIN: Hello? AGLAIN'S VOICE: What would you like to know? [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom - Day Gaius enters. Uther is waiting. UTHER: Is there any word from Arthur? GAIUS: No, Sire, not yet. But they haven't been gone long. UTHER: Yes. Of course. GAIUS: Why are you so certain that she's been kidnapped? UTHER: What other possibility is there? GAIUS: She was very upset after the fire. She could've gone of her own accord. UTHER: That's not Morgana. In all her years, I've never known her to run from anything. Takes after her father too much for that. GAIUS: You haven't let Gorlois down. You've looked after that girl as if she were your own. UTHER: That is what she's become. If she were to die, a huge part of me would die with her. Druid Camp - Morgana's Tent - Day Aglain enters. AGLAIN: I trust you slept well? MORGANA: Better than I've done in days. AGLAIN: Here, this might make you feel more at home. Aglain hands here a druid cloak. Forest/Druid Camp - Day Arthur continues to pursue Merlin's trail with dogs. Merlin approaches druid camp. Aglain walks with Morgana. AGLAIN: They are surprised to see you here, if not a little afraid. Your king would have us killed. MORGANA: They have nothing to fear from me. I do not share Uther's hatred of magic. AGLAIN: No. I imagine you wouldn't. These forests are dangerous. What brings you so far from Camelot? MORGANA: Searching for answers. I hope the druids might be able to give them to me. AGLAIN: Come. Forest - Day Arthur finds Merlin's campfire. ARTHUR: Keep moving! This way. Druid Camp - Morgana's Tent - Day Merlin sneaks into the druid camp and listens in on Aglain's conversation with Morgana. AGLAIN: What would you like to know? MORGANA: Why I can see the future in my dreams. Why I'm able to start fires with my mind. AGLAIN: People who are able to do this are few and far between. You have a gift. MORGANA: Is it magic? AGLAIN: Of a kind, yes. But it will be many years before you're able to understand it fully, let alone use it. This isn't something to be afraid of. MORGANA: It is if you have Uther as your guardian. If he found out, he'd have me killed. AGLAIN: He won't. MORGANA: But if he did... AGLAIN: We won't let that happen. You're safe here. You shouldn't be scared of Uther. You should pity him. MORGANA: Pity? Why? AGLAIN: Because he's a broken man, consumed by fear. His hatred of magic has driven goodness from his heart. MORGANA: I've always been taught that magic is evil, that it corrupts your soul. AGLAIN: Uther told you this. Just because he decrees it, doesn't make it so. In time you will learn that magic isn't a dark art that must be shrouded in secrecy. It can be a force for good. Aglain leaves the tent. Forest - Day Arthur and the guards reach the woods near the druid camp and see the smoke from their fires. ARTHUR: Remember the King's orders! No prisoners! Druid Camp - Morgana's Tent - Day Merlin enters. MORGANA: Merlin! What are you doing here? MERLIN: I've come to take you back to Camelot. MORGANA: Then I'm afraid you've had a wasted journey. I'm never going back. MERLIN: You have to. MORGANA: Why? You're the one who said I should seek out the druids. MERLIN: I never realised what the repercussions would be. MORGANA: What repercussions? MERLIN: The King thinks you've been kidnapped. Druid Camp - Day Arthur and guards approach. Druid Camp - Morgana's Tent - Day MERLIN: He won't stop until you're found. He's arrested dozens of people. He's gonna execute them all. MORGANA: If I return, the same fate awaits me. MERLIN: Uther doesn't need to know about this. I won't tell a soul. Arthur and guards. Morgana's tent. MORGANA: I'm sorry. I'm never going back. These are my people. They're like me. I don't feel so alone here. Do you understand? MERLIN: Better than anyone. AGLAIN: Morgana, we must go. Who are you? MORGANA: I--it's alright, he's a friend. What's wrong? AGLAIN: Arthur and his men are coming. Your friend has led him straight to us. The druids run, trying to escape Arthur and the guards. Merlin sees Mordred. MORDRED: (telepathy) Hello Emrys. Arthur sees Mordred and Aglain helping the limping Morgana run off. ARTHUR: This way! Merlin runs with Mordred, Morgana, and Aglain. AGLAIN: We've got to keep moving! MORGANA: My leg, it's too painful! MERLIN: I'll try to create a diversion. MORGANA: No, Merlin, you can't! MERLIN: You carry on! It's my fault they're here! Go! Go! MORGANA: I'll never forget this. MERLIN: Bene læg gesweorc. Merlin creates fog and sends it Arthur's way. Arthur pauses in the fog. Merlin runs above. ARTHUR: There! Arthur pursues Merlin. Merlin jumps and hides under protruding rock. Arthur and his men jump right over him. Merlin runs back. Guards spot Morgana's party anyway. GUARD: Over there! Morgana slumps to the ground. MORGANA: I can't go on. AGLAIN: We're not leaving you behind. MORGANA: Please. Morgana faints. MORDRED: They're coming! Aglain is shot with a crossbow. Mordred runs. GUARD: Prince Arthur! We have the Lady Morgana! Mordred runs, but is surrounded by guards. Merlin stops running and watches him kill throw 3 guards and run off. Castle - Main Square - Day Arthur rides into the square with Morgana. Uther helps her down and Gwen comes to meet them while Uther embraces Morgana. UTHER: I was so, so worried about you. ARTHUR: You were right. It was the druids. They kidnapped her. Morgana's Chambers - Night Morgana lies on her bed fully clothed. Merlin knocks and Morgana goes to open the door. MORGANA: Merlin. MERLIN: My Lady. Morgana lets him in and closes the door. MERLIN: I wanted to check you were ok. MORGANA: I'm fine. What was said at the woods... MERLIN: You can trust me, Morgana. I won't tell anyone. MORGANA: Thank you, Merlin. I know now who I really am. And it isn't something to be scared of. Maybe one day people will come to see magic as a force for good. MERLIN: Erm....It's good to have you back. MORGANA: Thank you, Merlin. Morgana opens the door to let him out. MORGANA: Sleep well. Castle - Griffin Staircase - Night Arthur leans against the underside of the stairs as Merlin walks down from Morgana's Chambers. ARTHUR: This has to stop. Merlin turns around. ARTHUR: The King would have your head if he found out, and there's no point denying it. MERLIN: Denying what? ARTHUR: Your affections for the Lady Morgana. MERLIN: (chuckles) Right. ARTHUR: Take a bit of advice from someone who knows about women. MERLIN: Well, if such a person existed, I would. ARTHUR: Stick to girls who are more...how can I put it? On your level. MERLIN: Thanks. ARTHUR: She can't be her friend. Let alone anything else. MERLIN: Yeah, I know. ARTHUR: You can't hide anything from me, Merlin. MERLIN: (chuckles) I wouldn't dream of it. Gaius's Chambers - Night Merlin enters. MERLIN: I'm sorry, Gaius. Gaius walks slowly to Merlin, then hugs him. MERLIN: I thought you'd be angry with me. GAIUS: I was. Right up to the moment you walked in. Then I was just grateful that you're back safe and sound. MERLIN: Morgana knows the truth. The druids told her she has magic. Sorry. GAIUS: It's not your fault. You were only doing what you thought was right. MERLIN: We both were. What happens now? GAIUS: You must take care of her. And hope that Uther never discovers the truth about her powers.

Plan: A: waking hours; Q: When do Morgana's nightmares spill over? A: magical powers; Q: What does Morgana think she has? A: Gaius; Q: Who is determined to keep Morgana in the dark? A: the truth; Q: What does Merlin know Morgana needs? A: his secret; Q: What is Merlin about to reveal? A: the far-reaching consequences; Q: What might be the result of Merlin's actions? A: Lives; Q: What is put in danger? A: loyalties; Q: What is tested? A: Mordred; Q: Who is the strange young druid boy? A: the dragon; Q: Who predicted that Mordred would kill Arthur? Summary: When Morgana's nightmares spill into waking hours, she becomes terrified that she has magical powers. Gaius is determined to keep her in the dark for her own good but Merlin won't stand by and watch his friend suffer. He knows exactly what she's going through and he knows she needs the truth. Is Merlin about to reveal his secret at last? Wilfully disobeying Gaius, Merlin risks everything to help Morgana, not knowing what the far-reaching consequences might be. Lives are put in danger, loyalties are tested, and Morgana is reunited with the strange young druid boy Mordred, who the dragon predicted would one day kill Arthur.

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu] CHANDLER: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now. JOEY: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss? CHANDLER: It's Phoebe! Hi! URSULA: Hi. Ok, will that be all? CHANDLER: Wait, wait! Wh-What are you doing here? URSULA: Yeah, um, I was over there, and then you said "excuse me, hello miss," so now I'm here. JOEY: No, no how come are you working here? URSULA: Right, yeah, 'cause it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute. CHANDLER: Can we start over? URSULA: Yeah. Ok, great. I'm gonna be over here. CHANDLER and JOEY: No no no! ROSS: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, supposedly by accident. RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I've done that. ROSS: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword. RACHEL: I've never done that. CHANDLER: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister. JOEY: I'm sayin' I see a difference. CHANDLER: They're twins! JOEY: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's--hot! CHANDLER: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things. Let's not do that anymore. JOEY: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! Fun! Ok. Um, Liam Neeson. JOEY: Nope. PHOEBE: Morly Safer. JOEY: Nope. PHOEBE: The woman who cuts my hair! MONICA: Ok, look, this could be a really long game. CHANDLER: Your sister Ursula. PHOEBE: Oh, really. CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh-- PHOEBE: Riff's. Yeah, I know. CHANDLER: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years. PHOEBE: Hmmm? Uh, yeah. So, uh, is she fat? JOEY: Not from where I was standin'. PHOEBE: Where were you standing? RACHEL: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along? PHOEBE: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it, later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new"? ROSS: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class. CHANDLER: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in gym. RACHEL: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol? ROSS: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team. RACHEL: Well, isn't that gonna be weird? ROSS: No, no. I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation. MONICA: Ross, that's my jacket. ROSS: I know. WOMAN: Hi, we're the Rostins. I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl. TEACHER: Good for you. Next? ROSS: I'm Ross Geller, and that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's... Who's next? TEACHER: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Susan is Carol's--? ROSS: Susan is Carol's Carol's Carol's friend. CAROL: Life partner. ROSS: Like buddies. SUSAN: Like lovers. ROSS: You know how close women can get. CAROL: Susan and I live together. ROSS: Although I was married to her. SUSAN: Carol, not me. ROSS: Right. CAROL: It's a little complicated. ROSS: A little. SUSAN: But we're fine. ROSS: Absolutely. So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch. CHANDLER: And (buzzing noise) to you too, Helen. HELEN: Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. CHANDLER: Oh, ok. Send her in. NINA: Hi. CHANDLER: Hi, Nina. Come on in. NINA: You wanted to see me? CHANDLER: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers. NINA: Which is bad because--? CHANDLER: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack. NIna: Your--Excuse me? CHANDLER: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics. NINA: Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS. CHANDLER: It's not just that she's cute, ok. It's just that she's really really cute. ROSS: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink. MONICA: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again. ROSS: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote... MONICA: Great. ROSS: Relax, I'll fix it. RACHEL: Oh, cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel". ROSS: How did he do this? CHANDLER: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long? MONICA: No, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot. RACHEL: Well someone was supposed to write "Rache, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigerator. How long has that been there? CHANDLER: Hey, where you been? JOEY: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, and she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. CHANDLER: Score. JOEY: She is so hot. CHANDLER: Yeah, listen. Before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by, uh-- JOEY: Pheebs? You think it would be ok if I asked out your sister? PHOEBE: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Why? JOEY: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there. PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and uh, I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but you know, we've grown apart. So, uh, I don't know. Why not? JOEY: Cool, thanks. ROSS: You ok? PHOEBE: Yeah I'm fine. ROSS: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley? ROSS: Sorry. Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's Carol? SUSAN: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information. ROSS: No, no, no. I think I should stay. I think we should both know what's going on. SUSAN: Oh, good. This'll be fun. TEACHER: All righty. We're gonna start with some basic first-stage breathing exercises, so Mommies, why don't you get on your backs, and coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head. ROSS: What? What? SUSAN: What? What? SUSAN: I am supposed to be the mommy? ROSS: Ok, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time. SUSAN: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman. ROSS: I see. So what do you propose to do? SUSAN: I will flip you for it. ROSS: Flip me for it? No, no, no--heads, heads! SUSAN: On your back, Mom. TEACHER: All right, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. Good. Now imagine your v*g1n* is opening like a flower. CHANDLER: Mr. D, how's it going, sir?? MR. DOUGLAS: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. CHANDLER: And? MR. DOUGLAS: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies. CHANDLER: So what does this mean? MR. DOUGLAS: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department. CHANDLER: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very-- MR. DOUGLAS: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone? CHANDLER: Nina? Nina. Nina. Nina. NINA: Are you ok? CHANDLER: Yes, yes I am. Listen, the reason that I called you in here today is, uh, please don't hate me. NINA: What? CHANDLER: Would you like to have dinner sometime? RACHEL: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? PHOEBE: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. RACHEL: Ok. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn? PHOEBE: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. JAMIE: What is this place? FRAN: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be? JAMIE: I think we have an answer. FRAN: What's she doing here? JAMIE: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home. FRAN: Think she got fired at Riff's? JAMIE: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept bringing swordfish. Are you gonna go-- FRAN: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right. JAMIE: It looks like her. Um, excuse me. PHOEBE: Yeah? JAMIE: Hi, it's us. PHOEBE: Right, and it's me. JAMIE: So, so you're here too? PHOEBE: Much as you are. JAMIE: Your turn. FRAN: We know what we want. PHOEBE: Oh, that's good. JAMIE: All we want is two cafe lattes. FRAN: And some biscotti cookies. PHOEBE: Good choice. JAMIE: Definitely her. FRAN: Yeah. MONICA: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet? CHANDLER: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights. MONICA: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument. CHANDLER: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know? RACHEL: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work. JOEY: Hey. (knock) CHANDLER: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore. MONICA: I'll get it. Hi, Mr. Heckles. MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. MONICA: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly. MR. HECKLES: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep. RACHEL: You don't even have cats. MR. HECKLES: I could have cats. MONICA: Goodbye Mr. Heckles. RACHEL: We'll try to keep it down. JOEY: Phoebe, could you do me a favor? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits. PHOEBE: Oh, my first birthday present. Oh, this is really-- JOEY: Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size wise. PHOEBE: Oh, sure, yeah. Ok, it fits. RACHEL: Are you seein' her again tonight? JOEY: Yep. Ice Capades. CHANDLER: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade. JOEY: I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's uh, somethin about her that-- PHOEBE: That you like. We get it. You like her. Great. JOEY: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you and you said it was ok. PHOEBE: All right, well, maybe now it's not ok. JOEY: Ok, well maybe now I'm not ok with it not being ok. PHOEBE: Ok. CHANDLER: Knit, good woman, knit, knit! (knock) [SCENE_BREAK] CHANDLER: And that's the Chrysler building right there. MR. DOUGLAS: Nina. NINA: Mr. Douglas. Cool tie. MR. DOUGLAS: She's still here. CHANDLER: Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, uh, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Fl---, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan, and uh, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly. In fact, he uh, mentioned the word "frenzy". MR. DOUGLAS: You're kidding? She seems so-- CHANDLER: Oh, no, no. Nina--she is whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo. In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all. MR. DOUGLAS: That's unbelievable. CHANDLER: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself or others. MR. DOUGLAS: I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside a person's head. CHANDLER: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir. TEACHER: Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our last class. ROSS: Susan, go deep. CAROL: This is impossible. It's just impossible. SUSAN: What is, honey? CAROL: What that woman did. I am not doin' that. It's just gonna have to stay in. That's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in. ROSS: Carol, honey, shhh, everything's gonna be all right. CAROL: What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?" SUSAN: Carol, Carol, please. Cleansing breath. I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross? ROSS: I'm gonna be a father. RACHEL: It's just occurring to you? ROSS: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realized the baby was having me. RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna be great! ROSS: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid? CHANDLER: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different. PHOEBE: Where're you going? JOEY: Out. PHOEBE: With? JOEY: Yes. PHOEBE: All right, could I just ask you one question? Have you two, you know...like, you know, you know, yet? JOEY: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, ok? You meant s*x, right? NINA: Do you have a sec? CHANDLER: Uh, sure, Nina. What's up? NINA: I don't know. For the past couple of days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks. CHANDLER: Oh, well, uh, maybe that's because they're uh, jealous of us. NINA: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors. CHANDLER: Uh, well, maybe that's, uh, because you're getting a big raise. NINA: I am? CHANDLER: Sure, why not? NINA: Oh my god! You're amazing. CHANDLER: Oh, you don't know. Helen, would you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise? HELEN: Do you still want me to send her psychological profile to perosnnel? NINA: What? CHANDLER: Helen drinks. Will you marry me? CHANDLER: Well, I ended up telling her everything. RACHEL: Oh, how'd she take it? CHANDLER: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. Little tip: If you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand on the desk. MONICA: Ok, I think I get how to do this. PHOEBE: All right, so, can we turn this off? Just, just make it--make them go away? I can't, I can't look. MONICA: Ok, Pheebs, they're gone. Are you all right? PHOEBE: Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing. RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible? PHOEBE: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. Oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend? MONICA & RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart, and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Because he said he didn't wanna be around anything that looked like either one of us. I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but-- CHANDLER: You're not gonna lose him. MONICA: Come on, you gotta talk to Joey. PHOEBE: Yeah. ROSS: Come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt-- PHOEBE: But he's falling in love with her. RACHEL: Please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious. PHOEBE: Ok. Oh, ok, oh. URSULA: Oh. Yeah, um, may we help you? MONICA: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside? RACHEL: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so I'm takin' 'em down. Ok? Whoa! (She falls off the balcony) MONICA; Rachel! Rachel! RACHEL: I'm ok! I'm ok! Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please? MR. HECKLES: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who falls for Phoebe's identical twin sister? A: Chandler; Q: Who has to fire an employee he is attracted to? A: a hard place; Q: Chandler finds himself between a rock and what? A: Ross; Q: Who attends Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan? A: doubts; Q: What does Ross have about parenthood? A: Monica; Q: Who is unable to fix her TV? A: the "SAP" function; Q: What function did Marcel put the TV on? A: Spanish; Q: What language is the TV set on? A: weeks; Q: How long did Rachel procrastinate before taking down the Christmas lights? A: procrastinating; Q: What does Rachel do for weeks? A: their balcony; Q: Where did Rachel fall off of? A: her ankle; Q: What did Rachel sprain? A: Lisa Kudrow; Q: Who played Ursula? A: Leila Kenzle; Q: Who guest stars as Fran Devanow? A: Helen Hunt guest star; Q: Who guest stars as Jamie Buchman from Mad About You? Summary: Joey falls for Phoebe's identical twin sister, Ursula, making Phoebe feel neglected. Meanwhile, Chandler finds himself between a rock and a hard place when he has to fire an employee he is attracted to. Ross has doubts about parenthood when he attends Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan. Meanwhile, Monica is unable to fix her TV after Marcel puts it on the "SAP" function to Spanish. After weeks of procrastinating, Rachel finally takes down the Christmas lights on their balcony, only to fall off and sprain her ankle. In addition to Lisa Kudrow appearing as Ursula, Leila Kenzle and Helen Hunt guest star as Fran Devanow and Jamie Buchman from Mad About You.

Scene 1: At Bill's house - Sookie, Sam Sookie and Sam are screaming. He's at Dean's place, on the bed. Sookie (shouting): What the hell are you doing here? Sam: Nothing. Sleeping. Sookie: Did you touch me? Sam: Hell no, I swear. Sookie, listen. Bill asked me to look after you while he was away. Sookie: Did he ask you to do it buck-naked? Sam: No, no. Sookie: I want you out of here. Now. Sam: Listen, listen, Sookie. I need to tell you something about me, something I've never told another person. Sookie: Oh, my God, it's you. You're the murderer. Sam: No, no, Sookie... Sookie: Oh, my God, you killed my grandmother. He tries to touch her and clam her but she hit him and run away, to the bathroom. She closes the door behind her and hinds in the shower. The door is open. Sookie sees Dean behind it. Dean becomes Sam. Sookie is stunned. Sam: I'm not the killer, I swear. I'm a shape-shifter. Sookie: Shut the f*** up. Credit Scene 2: In the woods - Miss Jeanette, Tara Tara and Miss Jeanette are on the ground in the woods, and Miss Jeanette prepares her stuff for the exorcism. Tara: What's that for? Miss Jeanette: Give me your hand. Tara: Why? Miss Jeanette: "Why, why, why? Why's it have to be in the woods? Why's it have to be before dawn? Why 799.95? Why, why, why?" You think knowing the answers will save you? Shut up and give me your hand. Miss Jeanette spit in Tara's hand. Tara: You nasty b****. Miss Jeanette: That's cleaner than anything you've ever touched. Hold it on the fire. Keep it there. Angelica root and spit. A lot stronger than holy water. You got poison oozing out your pores. You live near a highway? Tara: No. Miss Jeanette: Cook with a microwave or talk on a cell phone? Tara: Who doesn't? Miss Jeanette: I don't. All that pollution and technology, that's how demons travel. That's why I stay away out here in the woods, away from civilization. Rub it on you face. Tara: Are you serious? Miss Jeanette: You make sure to get around you eyes. That's the demon's doorways. Tara rubs on her face the potion she has in her hands. Miss Jeanette gives her a small bottle. Miss Jeanette: Drink. Tara begins to drink. Tara: Jesus, what the hell is it? Miss Jeanette: Snake juice. Tara: It's made from snakes? Miss Jeanette: No. it snakes down in you, coils around that evil and rapes it out. All of it. Every last drop. Tara continues to drink. Scene 3: Jason's basement - Amy, Eddie Amy takes blood from Eddie. Eddie (asleep): Jason? Amy: If I were you, I'd get my filthy mind off of him. What is it that you vampires say? "Jason is mine." Eddie: It's not like that. He's a good person. Amy: Are you implying that I'm not? Eddie: Well Jason isn't planning to kill me after I'm no longer any use to him. Amy: Sophomore year of college, I walked away from an academic scholarship so I could go to this Guatemalan village, help build their first irrigation system so they could have fresh water, crops that didn't give them dysentery. So don't you dare get morally superior on me. I am an organic vegan, and my carbon footprint is miniscule. Because I know that, ultimately, we're all just a single living being. But you are not. She beats him on the shoulder. Eddie: What the hell? Amy: You got a clop forming. She beats him again. Eddie shouts. Amy: Here. Okay, I need tape to keep it at that angle. She opens a drawer and finds empty bottles of Tru Blood. Amy: Jason, Jason, Jason. Eddie: I was half dead. He only tried to help. Amy: He shouldn't told me about this. Why wouldn't he tell me about this? Eddie: I won't tell him if you won't. Amy: Withholding is tantamount to lying, and I can't have that in our relationship. This is so beneath us. Eddie: Jason lives you. He never cared about anyone before. He even thinks that you might be the one. Amy: You talk about me with him? And he said that? He said that he thinks that I might be the one? Eddie: Amy, if I die here, Jason will never forgive you even if he wanted to. He's not as evolved as you are. Amy: I know. Scene 4: Outside Bill's house - Sookie, Sam Sookie: A shape-shifter? Sam: Most of us refer to ourselves simply as shifters. Sookie: Well, how many of you are there? Sam: Thousands, tend of thousands, maybe. We don't exactly have a newsletter. Sookie: Do you come from, like, a family of shifters or something? Sam: It's hereditary, so yeah, I suppose. But... I was adopted. And the family that took me in... we just never talked about it. Sookie: Can you turn into anything, like cats, birds? Sam: Cats, sure. Yeah, I can do bird, but flying's hard. Dog's the easiest for me. People like dogs. Most other animals leave you alone. Sookie: I used to scratch your belly in the parking lot at the bar. Sam: That wasn't me, that was a real dog. I need a live animal in order to shift. You know, as a model. Kind like an imprint. Sookie: Can you turn into another person? Sam: Humans are too complex. Despite what you might see at the bar. Sookie: Can you do it any time, or what? Sam: Yeah. Yeah, but it wears off if I fall asleep. And on a full moon, I can't stop the shift. Sookie: Like a werewolf. Sam: We're not werewolves. Hey, werewolves are dangerous, nasty creatures. Do not call me a werewolf. Sookie: Werewolves exist too? What else is there? Sam: More than you could imagine. Sookie goes and seats on the stairs. Sam follows her. Sookie: I can't... Life is getting too weird, too fast. Could a werewolf have killed Gran? Sam: I suppose it's possible. Sookie: Oh, my God. Bill's been dragged off by vampires and now I find out you're something I never even knew existed. (She cries. Sam seats beside her and put his hand on her shoulder) Don't! Sam: I thought you would understand. Sookie (shouting): Why? Because I'm dating a vampire? Sam: You know what' it's like to live with a secret. Sookie: I don't hide who I am. She goes in front of the door. Sam (shouting): I wanted to tell you for years. Sookie (shouting): I kissed you. And I know you wanted to do more than that. Were you gonna tell me before or after? She enters in the house. Scene 5: In the woods - Tara, Miss Jeanette Miss Jeanette: Spit, smoke, root. Cleanse the body. Cleanse the soul. Snake, seek, search, find. Bring it to the light. The light. Tara: F***, my stomach. Miss Jeanette: It's angry. It's digging its claws so it can hold on. Don't you fight back. Let your body be the battleground. You let that demon destroy itself. Tara: I feel sock. Miss Jeanette: Let it go, let it go. Let it go. Let go of all that sickness, all that rage, all that anger, all that hate, all that self-pity. It's just fuel for the demon inside of you. Tara: F***. Tara vomits. Miss Jeanette: Come forth, demon. Leave this child in peace. Come into the light. Show yourself. Tara sees a small girl in the woods. Tara: That ain't real. Miss Jeanette: What's there? Tell me what you see. Tara: It's me standing right over there. It's me. Miss Jeanette: The demon will take on any form to stay alive. It knows your weaknesses. It preys on your fears. (She gives Tara a dagger) Only you can destroy it. Tara gets up and goes to the girl. Miss Jeanette: Don't let it fool you, Tara Mae. You stand up to that demon. Little Tara (to Tara): No, Mama, please, don't hurt me. Miss Jeanette (to Tara): One of you must die. Tara kills little Tara with the dagger. Little Tara disappears. Tara sees blood on the dagger. She cries. Miss Jeanette (coming to her): Good girl. Good girl, good girl. Good girl. It's all over now. That demon is gone forever. Scene 6: In Jason's bathroom - Jason, Amy Jason is in the bathroom, looking in the mirror when Amy comes. Amy: You spend more time on your hair than any man I've ever met. Jason: The trick is to make it look like you didn't do nothing. It's harder than it might seem. Amy: I don't think you need any help looking good, you know it. Jason: I think I might have had one too many beers last night. I feel like I been shot at and missed, sh1t at and hit. Amy sits on the cabinet. Amy: We need to talk about Eddie. Jason: Okay. Amy: Well, I've been thinking. The way that we've been treating him, it's just really uncivilized, you know? Jason: Yeah. I do know. Amy: We can't let him go, of course but we can try to make things just a little bit more comfortable for him. Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is? Jason: It's a disease. Amy: Not exactly. It's something that happens to people who are kidnapped. It's like, over time, they start to get closer to their kidnappers. It's kind of like being part of a family. Jason: Really? Amy: All we need to do is make Eddie love us. And he already loves you. And eventually, we wouldn't have to keep him locked up. He could just be in the house with us like he's... Jason: Like a pet. Amy: Yeah. And we could travel with him. Jason: Yeah. Amy: We could sell his blood when we need money. And just live out of backpacks and see the whole world. We just need boots and a map. Jason: I ain't never seen snow. Amy: Tibet. We can climb the Himalayas. We can visit the Dalai Lama. Jason: And snowboard naked. Amy: Right, I gotta go to the store. I wanna get Eddie some Tru Bloods. Jason: Really? She kisses him. Amy: I love you. He kisses her. Jason: I love you too. Amy: I love you more. She leaves. Jason (looking in the mirror): Oh, my God. You are even better looking than you were yesterday. Scene 7: At Tara's house - Tara, Letti Mae Letti Mae is sleeping on the sofa when Tara comes home. Tara: Mama. Mama, wake up. Letti Mae: Baby, where you been? I've been so worried. Tara: I had the exorcism. Letti Mae: Tara, are you...? Tara: It worked, Mama. It worked. Letti Mae: Jesus answered my prayers. We're saved. They hug. Letti Mae: Both if us, saved. You did a brave thing, Tara Mae. I am so proud of you, my baby. Tara: My whole life, I thought you didn't... I thought... Letti Mae: I forgive you. Tara: get dressed. I'm taking you out to celebrate. Letti Mae: Anywhere you wanna go. How about Mamaw's Mudbugs over in Keachi? That too far to drive to? Tara: Are you kidding? I'd drive anywhere for you. Scene 8: Outside the Merlotte's - Sam, Sookie, Terry, Arlene Sam is putting the lanterns. Sam (to Sookie): Sookie, could you reach me up another box of lanterns? Sookie: I'm kind of busy right now setting up your bar. (To Terry) Thank you, Terry. You are so sweet and reliable. I always know what to expect from you. No nasty surprises. Terry: That's just because you don't know me very well. Arlene arrives. Arlene (to Sam): Oh, Sam. These lanterns are just precious. But they ought to alternate colors. Like boy-girl seating. Sam: But they're already in place. Arlene: Oh, it won't tale a minute to change. Sam: All right, Arlene. Arlene: Don't you think they should hang in little scallops, like a gingerbread house? It'll be more romantic that way, not like some hick barn dance. Sam: What do you want it to look like? Terry: A debutante ball. Arlene: Hug your neck. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I'll be right back. Thank you, Sam. She goes in. Sam: How did you know what she wanted? Terry: My cousin Portia was a deb in Shreveport when she turned 18. Every Bellefleur woman's been doing it since they started having them before the revolutionary War. Sam: It must be nice to come from such an old family. Terry: All families are old, Sam. Some just keep better records. Flash back: Sam is on the sofa, in his house, and there's a dog barking. Sam's mother: Sam, hush that dog up. What are you doing to get him so riled up? Sam is shaking, he falls down on the floor. Mother: Mitch, there's something wrong with Sam. Sam runs to the kitchen, then goes out, remove his shirt. Mother: Lord in heaven. He becomes a dog, in front of his parents, and leaves. End flash back. Arlene: Sam. Sam. Don't put the red ones next to the green ones. This ain't Christmas. (She begins to go. To everyone) Hey, get that dog out of here. Scene 9: Lafayette's house - Lafayette Actress (tv): Don't shut me out, please. Lafayette: Georgia, your replacement just showed up. (With an other actress) Thought you said you were gonna get rid of her quick. Actor (tv): B****, I love you, you scandalous w****. Lafayette: Take you man. Take his ass. Actress: ... and company. Lafayette sees from the window the senator coming Actor: Shut up. Shut up and get upstairs. Lafayette: You better walk down them stairs like: (he walks how she should do it). Lafayette goes to open the door. Actress: Oh, I forgot to tell you, Georgia. I saw the picture... Lafayette opens the door. Lafayette: Well, this as unexpected pleasure. Senator: Hey. Lafayette: Hey. The senator comes in. Senator: I can't stay long. Lafayette: Boyfriend, I can make you stay longer than you ever thought you could. Senator: Actually, I had something else in mind. Lafayette: What? The senator gives him money. Senator: A little V-juice? Lafayette doesn't take it. Lafayette: Sold out. (he lies on the sofa) What? AIn't nothing I can do. My supplier only comes out after dark, if you know what I mean. Senator: Damn it. I have a speech tonight. Lafayette: You got the stage fright? Senator: yeah. Lafayette goes near him. Lafayette: I could help you with that. (He takes the money) You know I can. Senator: I can't mess up my clothes. Scene 10: In Tara's car - Tara, Letti Mae Letti Mae is eating and Tara drinking. Tara: I love how Mamaw's Mudbugs is exactly the same as when we used to go there when I was little. Remember? Letti Mae: Yeah, until I lost my license. First thing in the morning, I'm going down to DMV. Tara: What's wrong? Letti Mae: I don't know. Maybe one bucket was enough. Tara: I told you not to suck the heads. Letti Mae: Oh, good Lord in heaven. Tara: Hold on. I'll find us a drug store get you some Pepto. Scene 11: At a drug store - Tara, Miss Jeanette Tara arrives and asks someone who works there for help. Tara: Excuse me. What aisle's the Pepto-Bismol on? Woman working: Aisle 7. Right over there. Tara: I know you. Woman: No, I'm sure you've mistaken me for someone else. The woman begins to go but Tara follows her. Tara: Miss Jeanette. Woman: No. I'm needed up front, ma'am. Tara: No, I know your face. Don't run away from me. Tara catches her and removes her wig. Woman/Miss Jeanette: Hey! Tara: You took advantage of my mama. Miss Jeanette: Don't touch me. Tara: Don't touch you? I ought to kill you, b****. Miss Jeanette: I will call the police. Tara: Go ahead. Tell them how you charged me 800$ to spit in my face and poison me. You know what? I'll call them myself. Miss Jeanette: Wait, wait. Tara: What was in that sh1t you gave me, that snake juice? Miss Jeanette: Ipecac syrup and a small amount of peyote. It's perfectly safe. Tara: I puked my guts out. I hallucinated stabbing a little girl. What the f*** of person are you? Miss Jeanette: Look. I got a son in prison, another one in Iraq. I got a daughter with diabetes, and three grandbabies I gotta take care of. I do what I have to for my family. Same as you. Tara: I actually believed you had fixed me. Oh, my God, I am such a f*cking dumb-ass. Miss Jeanette: Listen. Just because Miss Jeanette ain't real doesn't mean she can't help people. You saw how it worked for your mama. She still sober? Tara: Once she finds out about you, she'll be drinking again. Miss Jeanette: Well, maybe she don't have to find out. Faith's a powerful thing. Tara leaves. Tara: F***, f***, f***. Tara joins her mum in the car. Letti Mae: You get something for me? Tara: They're out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 12: Outside the Merlotte's Arlene and Rene are dancing. Sookie is alone, on a chair, drinking when Terry comes. Terry: I'd ask you to dance, but I don't dance. Sookie: Thanks anyhow, Terry. Sometimes, crowds makes me feel guilty for not having fun like everyone else. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Terry: Guilt is a useless emotion. Or so I've heard. Sookie: I just wish Bill was here. Sookie: There's some dead people I wish was still around too. Scene 13: At the vampire tribunal -the Magister, Bill, Eric, Luisa, a vampire, removes one fang from the vampire. Magister: I****. You fed on a human that belonged to another. Three months of starving till your fangs grow back will teach you better manners. Brothers and sisters of the tribunal, is this fair? Is this just? The vampires: Yeah. Magister: Now, Luisa, the other one, please. From the root. She removes the other fang. Magister: Sentence passed and executed. The trial is concluded. Best of luck. Moving on. This looks interesting. Eric Northman, sheriff of Area 5. Eric: Magister. Magister: Well, then. Bring me your murderer. Scene 14: Jason's basement - Jason, Eddie, Amy Jason helps Eddie to drink Tru Blood. Jason: It's nice not to have sneak it to you no more, ain't it? Eddie: Yeah, it is surprising. Jason: See? I told you Amy wasn't a psycho. The more time you spend with us, you'll see she's an amazing woman. Eddie: What made her change her mind? Jason: Well, she wants you to live with us, like a part of the family. I do too. Eddie: She tell you about finding the Tru Bloods you brought me? Jason: You're lying. Well, what did she say? Eddie: She said that withholding was tantamount to lying and that your relationship was better than that. Jason: F***. God, that even sounds like her. Eddie: She's playing you, Jason. Jason: No, she is not. Ain't nobody plays Jason Stackhouse. Eddie: If you don't let me go, she's going to kill me. Jason: She would never do that. She's a... Eddie: Psychopath? Amy's voice: Jason, we're late. Jason: Yeah, I'm coming. Amy comes down. Amy: Bye-bye, Eddie. We'll see you in a few hours. I was thinking we could bring one of the TVs down here. Does that sound good? (To Jason) Come on. She leaves. Jason: You're wrong about her. Jason leaves. Eddie's phone rings. Scene 15: At Eddie's house- Lafayette Lafayette (on the cell): Eddie, where you at? I'm at your crib. The door was wide open. This is f***** up as f***. Call me when you get this message, b****. (He closes his phone) Jason F****** Stackhouse, you bigmouth motherf*****. Scene 16: Outside the Merlotte's, at Arlene and Rene's party Arlene and Rene are dancing. Arlene: Honey, let me set a spell. I'm sweating all over this dress. Rene: What, you won't dance with me? That's a fine thing at your own fais do-do. Arlene: Go ask Sookie to dance. The poor thing's got nobody here. Everyone's afraid of her. Go on. Sookie is alone, and Rene goes to her. Rene: You look lonely as a cloud. Ain't right. Sookie: Why, thank you, Rene. Arlene is a lucky lady. They dance. Rene: Not everyone likes a coonass like me. Sookie: I do. So does Bill. Rene: I don't have nothing against vampires, you know that. But you're a good girl, Sookie. I think you deserve better. Sam: Mind if I cut in? Rene gives Sookie to Sam and leaves. Sookie and Sam dance. Sam: Okay, truce? It's not fair you being mad about something I can't help. Sookie: I'm mad that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. You hid the most important thing about yourself. Sam: So what? You're with Bill now. Sookie: Yeah, and you're with Tara. Another thing you didn't tell me. Sam: There's nothing to tell about. Sookie: Oh, does she know that? Or the fact that you can turn yourself into a dog? Sam: It's none of her business. And you know what, I didn't tell you because I knew this is how you'd react. But you're right. I didn't trust you. I trusted my instincts, and they were dead-on. He leaves. Jason and his friends are talking and laughing when Amy comes. Amy: I think I'll get another beer. Do you guys..? You want one? Hoyt: Oh, no. Amy: Babe? Jason: Oh, no. I'm fine. She leaves. Hoyt: I think she's my favorite girl you ever dated. Where'd you meet her at? Jason: It's kind of embarrassing. Fangtasia. Rene: What? The f*** you doing there? Hoyt: The vampire bar? Jason: The only reason I went there was because there was this band playing that I like. Rene: You one brave motherf***** going there to see them play. Jason: It's just a bunch of losers wearing black. Amy and I could tell y looking at each other we didn't belong there. The one thing sort of led to another. Never did see the band. Hoyt: Oh, Gid, I wanna be you. Rene: So this is it? She the one who's gonna take Jason Stackhouse off the market for good? Jason: I don't know. Rene: Now, what you waiting for? Life is short. You find a good one, you keep her. Jason: You're right. I never felt this way about any girl before. I think that's maybe why... (lower) I think I lost the upper hand in the relationship, you know? Hoyt: That sucks. Rene: What sucks? You take it back. Jason: Take it back? Rene: Take it back. You say "Woman, this is what I want. This is the way it's gonna be" and if she don't like it, deep down she'll respect you. She can't help ot. It's her DNA. Hoyt: Well, well, now I want to be you. Jason: F*** you. Rene: Hey, and if she don't respect you? She ain't someone that you wanna be with anyway. Okay? Rene leaves. Hoyt: He's right. Maxine comes. Maxine (to Hoyt): I've been keeping an eye on you, Hoyt. That is your third beer, and that is two too many. You set that down. Right now. Hoyt: You know, I plan on having about six more beers. And enough tequila to drown a Mexican sea captain, woman. Excuse me. Scene 16: The vampire's tribunal - Magister, Bill, Eric Bill: Longshadow was choking the girl and would have killed her. Magister: So you murdered a higher life form for the sake of your pet. You broke an ancient and fundamental law. You decreased our numbers at a critical time on our history. Very bad. Very, very bad. Bill: Magister, Longshadow broke the law first. She was mine and he knew it. He would have killed her and fed from her. Magister: Hello, human. Irrelevant. Happens every day. Bill: He was stealing from Eric. Magister (to Eric): Sheriff? Eric: Yes, Magister, it's true. Longshadow was a thief and a liar. He was hurting my business. Magister: The business part, that is a serious offense. Bill: And it was the human who exposed Longshadow. Would you tell him, Eric? Eric: The only reason the girl was there was because I called her. Bill: To protect your wealth. Eric: To protect my wealth, yes. Magister, she is... valuable. Magister: Humans exist to serve us. That is their only value. Bill: There are those among us who think differently. Magister: Do you question my authority? I am the Magister. I was trained in the Inquisition and I am the adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America. As the humans say, the humans you love more than your own kind: Back your s*** down. Bill wants to speak. Eric: Bill. Magister: Well, you haven't bored me. That works in your favor. And you seem to be obedient to your sheriff. Eric: For the most part. When it matters, yes, he is. Magister: The usual sentence is five years in a coffin chained with silver. During which time your body will waste to leather and sticks. You'll probably go insane. However... I'm feeling a bit... creative. Scene 17: Arlene and Rene's party Hoyt, Rene and Jason are playing. Arlene, Sookie and Amy are talking, seated around a table. Arlene: You know what I live most about Rene? Aside from his fine little Cajun butt. He's good to the kids. He's good to me. All the rest were fixer-uppers. But Rene, he's solid all the way to the foundation. I can count on him. And I've never had that in all my life. Amy: I know what you mean. I mean, I never knew I could have something like what I have with Jason. I'm not about to let anything destroy that. Sookie: I don't know anyone can trust anybody these days. They're always keeping things from you. You don't even know who people are or what they are. Amy: Well, you know what I love about Jason? Everything is just right there on the surface. You never have to wonder what he's thinking. Sookie: Yeah, because he ain't thinking. Arlene laughs. Tara arrives. Tara: Hey, girlfriends, what's up? Arlene: Tara. You look... You look great. Tara: Prom night, 2000. I ain't wore it since. Amy: Well, it still fots you. Sookie: Tara, come here. They go aside. Sookie: I've never seen you like this. Is this because of Sam.? I saw you. In his office. Why didn't you tell me? Tara: It's none of your business. Sookie: I'm just not sure that dating Sam is such a good idea. Tara: Well, at least he doesn't drink my blood. Sookie leaves. Tara: Sookie, Sookie. Sam: Oh, hey, Andy. You want a beer? Andy: I don't drink. Sam: Okay. Andy: Had me a very interesting conversation with a man at the naked community over in Beaumont. That's right, I already told you. Last night. Before you ran off to avoid talking to me. What's your story, Merlotte? Who's you people? Sam: I was adopted. That's the truth. At 15, I was on my own. Andy: Fifteen, huh? Where'd you go? Who took you in? I need to know what your life was before you brought up property in Bon Temps and women started getting killed. Sam's Flash back: He's 15. He arrives home. The door is open. The home is empty. Sam: Mom? There's nothing in the kitchen. His room is still the same, with all his things. End flash back. Andy: Sam. Sam. Where the hell did you come from? Sam: I come from the same place everybody comes from, Andy. Andy: I been checking up on you. You got no records before you moved here. Nothing. No taxes, no social security, no credit card bills, no previous address. Tara arrives. Tara: Jesus f***, Andy. Andy: S***. Tara: Don't you ever get tired of being in everybody's way? Andy: I'm gonna have to pay for dry cleaning. Tara (to Sam): Hey, baby. She hugs him and kisses him. Sam: Whoa, hey. Look at you. Tara: Listen. I have a situation. A very serious situation. And I need your help with it. Right now. Andy: I'm here on official police business and we're in the middle of a conversation. Tara: Well, let me wrap it up for you. He doesn't know anything. He didn't do anything. And he doesn't give a s***. Come on Sam. Sam and Tara leave. They are in Sam's office. Tara kisses him but he stops her. Sam: How much have you had to drink? Tara: Quit acting like my d*** boss and just f*** me, please. Sam: Hey, did you have that exorcism? Tara: Can't you be a normal guy and go with it? Sam: Because I'm not a normal guy. Tara: Well, who the f*** cares? Sam: Damn it, Tara. I'm a person. I'm not a prop for you to use every time you need to feel better. Tara: Sam, please. I'm not right. Sam: You're not the only one with demons. Well, what the f*** do you want from me? Tara: I don't want a goddamn thing from you. I don't want nothing from nobody. She leaves. Lafayette arrives to the party and goes to Jason. Lafayette: I told you to keep your goddamn mouth shut. Jason: Hey. This is my good shirt. And yeah, I kept my mouth shut. Lafayette: My supplier. He gone. He f****** missing. If other vampires find out I been selling, the same s*** is gonna... You understand? The same s*** is gonna happen to me. Jason: You got nothing to worry about. Lafayette: B****, you think life is just this one f****** game that you always win no matter how many dead folk are piling up around you. Maudette. Dawn. Your grandma. And I tell you one f****** thing: I ain't gonna be next, b****. On my mama, motherf*****. I ain't gonna be next. F******... Lafayette leaves. Scene 18: Vampire's tribunal - Magister, Bill, a girl Magister: You have no nest. You prefer to consort with humans. You seem to have lost all sense of our priorities. William Compton, you owe us a life. Luisa let go out a girl from the trunk. Girl crying: No. Bill: No. Girl: Oh, precious Jesus, God, save me, save me. Make it all a dream. Bill: Put me on the coffin, Magister. I will go willingly. Girl: Please, it's the first time I ever snuck out. I just wanted to go to Ashley's party. I only ever get to go to youth choir and prayer group. You take me home, I won't say a word to Mama and Daddy or anybody. Please, please, just help me. Magister: There's no help for you, child. Meet your Maker. Girl (to Bill): Please. Please don't let them kill me. Please. I don't want to die. Scene 19: Arlene and Rene's Party Arlene: Honey, you seen Sam? We're out of ice. Sookie: I'll get it. I could use break from all this anyhow. Sookie leaves. Arlene: Well, thanks for having such a great time at my party. Sookie goes in the Merlotte's. She puts ice. The light turns off. Sookie: Hello. That's not funny. She has a vision of a woman being strangled. She's behind the bar. Someone arrives in front of her, she screams. He tries to strangle her. He throws ice on him and runs till a room and hides. He comes in. She has the vision of the woman, dead. He runs after her but she escapes. She arrives at the bar's door and there's Sam. Sam: Sookie, it's me. Sookie. Hey. Hey. Sookie: He's in there. He almost... Sam: What, what? He wants to go and see. Sookie: No, no, no, please, please don't leave me. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Sam: Okay, okay, okay, I won't. I won't. I promise. Scene 29: On the road - Tara Tara is driving, crying and drinking. She sees a woman naked and a on the road. Tara: What the f***. She makes an accident. Scene 30: Jason's basement - Jason, Amy, Eddie Amy: If you wanted to feed him, we should've talked about it first. Jason: I don't need your f****** permission. Amy: Jason, if we don't trust each other, how is he ever gonna trust us? They go down in the basement. Jason: This ain't a game. I don't want him ending up dead. Amy: Oh, God, Jason, come on. He's gonna kill us. Jason: No, he won't. I'm gonna let him go, don't even try to f****** stop me. He begins to liberate Eddie. Eddie: Jason... Amy: No, please, don't. Jason: Get out of here! Goddamn. Eddie: Please, hurry. Jason: Yeah, I'm coming. Eddie: Please. Jason: I'm coming. Don't tell me what I can and can't... Amy takes a wood and kills Eddie. Jason: F***. Scene 31: Vampire tribunal's - Bill, Magister, Jessica, Luisa Bill: If you want to torture anyone, torture me. Magister: Torture? This? I don't think so. I could show you torture, if you like. Bill: No. no, I was wrong to speak. Magister: You can quit stalling. What you see in this cow, Mr. Compton is merely a response to stimuli. Humans are quite... primitive... incapable of feeling pain as we do. But you know that. Luisa. Luisa brings the girl to Bill. Girl crying: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want... I can't remember what's next. Magister: According to our records, you have never been a Maker, is that right? Bill: Yes. Magister: But you know the procedure? Bill: Yes. Magister: Then proceed. Bill seats near the girl and take her hand. Girl: Are you a Christian? Bill: I was. Girl: I'm a good girl. Jesus will take me home to heaven. Bill: What's your name? Girl: Jessica. Bill: Look at me, Jessica. You're safe now. Look in my eyes. Everything will be fine. Magister: I hate to interrupt but glamour is not permitted. Bill: She's just a girl. Magister: You are boring me. Shut up and do as you're told. Bill (to Jessica): It's all right. It's all right. Jessica: No, let go. No, no. let go of me! No! Stop it! Stop! No! Bill: Forgive me. Jessica crying: No. Bill bites her.

Plan: A: bed; Q: What does Sookie jump out of? A: the bathroom; Q: Where does Sookie run to after waking up? A: Sam; Q: Who does Sookie accuse of being the murderer? A: a shapeshifter; Q: What does Sam confess to being? A: the dog; Q: What does Sam shift into in front of Sookie? A: their situation; Q: What do Sam and Sookie discuss? A: Tara; Q: Who goes back to Miss Jeanette to get an exorcism? A: all the negative feelings; Q: What does the young version of Tara represent? A: the hallucination; Q: What does Tara kill? A: Amy; Q: Who discovers Jason's deception? A: Jason's deception; Q: What does Amy discover about Jason? A: Eddie; Q: Who does Amy stake? A: her mother; Q: Who does Tara go to share the good news with? A: a fraud; Q: What is Miss Jeanette? A: the truth; Q: What does Tara hide from her mother? A: Lafayette; Q: Who is paid a visit by the state senator? A: Mine; Q: What episode does the state senator visit Lafayette? A: V; Q: What is the state senator looking for? A: a teenager; Q: What was Sam when he first shape shifted? A: the next day; Q: When Sam returned home from school, when did his adoptive parents leave? A: his adoptive parents; Q: Who left Sam after he shapeshifted? A: an engagement party; Q: What is the event at Merlotte's? A: almost the whole town; Q: Who turns out for Arlene and Rene's engagement party? A: Bill; Q: Who is taken before a vampire tribunal? A: a ruthless Magister; Q: What is the name of the vampire judge? A: justice; Q: What does the Magister deal out? A: Andy; Q: Who gets closer to the truth about Sam? A: a young woman; Q: Who does Sookie see being murdered in a vision? A: The Magister; Q: Who hands down a creative punishment for Bill? A: Jessica; Q: Who does the Magister sentence Bill to turn into a vampire? Summary: Sookie jumps out of bed and races into the bathroom, screaming that Sam is the murderer. He follows her and confesses to being a shapeshifter, even shifting into the dog and back right in front of her. Later, he and Sookie discuss their situation and, after Sookie asks him how many more supernatural creatures there are in the world, he says that there are more than she could imagine. Sookie storms off, angry about having been lied to. Tara goes back to Miss Jeanette to get her exorcism, during which she is fed a strange solution which makes her hallucinate a young version of herself, which represents all the negative feelings Tara is trying to exorcise. Tara kills the hallucination and Miss Jeanette comforts her, telling Tara that it is over. Amy discovers Jason's deception, but decides to forgive him, even going so far as to say they should start treating Eddie more like a member of their family. Tara returns home to share the good news with her mother, but Tara's celebration is short-lived when she discovers that Miss Jeanette is a fraud who fed Tara and her mother ipecac and peyote . Tara decides to hide the truth from her mother. Lafayette is paid a visit by the state senator seen in Mine . He is looking for V, but Lafayette has something more physical for him. Sam reminisces about the first time he ever shapeshifted as a teenager. When he returned home from school the next day, his adoptive parents had packed up their things and left. That night, there is an engagement party at Merlotte's for Arlene and Rene and almost the whole town turns out, but Sookie is lonely there without Bill, who has been taken before a vampire tribunal, where a ruthless Magister deals out justice. Tara has too much to drink, fights with Sam and storms off. On the road, she swerves to avoid a naked woman walking a large pig and ends up being arrested. Andy gets closer to the truth about Sam, Sookie has a vision of a young woman being murdered and the killer suddenly strikes at her, but she manages to escape his clutches. Lafayette learns that Jason did something to Eddie and lashes out at him for being reckless. He and Amy return home arguing about Eddie. Jason wants to free him, but Amy is scared of him and of losing Jason, so she stakes Eddie right in front of Jason. The Magister hands down a creative punishment for Bill: he must turn a young teenager named Jessica into a vampire. And although Bill pleads with the Magister, the sentence is handed down and the episode ends with Bill feeding on her.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] BROOKE : Rachel. OWEN : Rachel? Rachel, can you hear me? RACHEL : I can't be alone again. BROOKE : you're not gonna be. You're coming home with me. Come here. LUCAS : Lindsey Evelyn Strauss... will you marry me? NATHAN : go! Carrie, get out of this bedroom right now. HALEY : I have been through a lot with you, Nathan. I have been through better and worse, in sickness and health, but I will not do infidelity. NATHAN : It wasn't like that, okay? I wasn't into her. HALEY : You call kissing Carrie and watching her swim naked not being into her? NATHAN : I didn't kiss her how many times do I have to tell you that? I can't take it anymore. HALEY : Don't you dare turn this around on me. HALEY : Jamie! NATHAN : Jamie HALEY : Jamie. Oh, god, please! HALEY : no, you stay away from us! This marriage is over NATHAN : Haley. HALEY : Please, god. I want... I want a divorce. LUCAS' HOUSE Nathan's sleeping on the couch. Lindsey put a blanket on him and walk to Lucas' room, who's a his desk. LUCAS (voiceover) : Albert Camus once wrote, "blessed are the hearts that can bend, they shall never be broken." LUCAS : Good morning. LINDSEY : Poor Nathan LUCAS : Yeah, I know. If I'd have known he'd been here a week, then I'd clear out my mom's room. LINDSEY : Have they even seen each other this week? LUCAS : Oh, no, i don't even think they've spoken. LINDSEY : Right. The last thing I want Haley worrying about is throwing a bachelorette party when her marriage is struggling. LUCAS : you know, Skills could do it. I mean, he was so excited about my bachelor party, he took the week off. LINDSEY : that worries me. LUCAS : oh, yeah. Me too. You know, if a guy like me just happened to have his party in the same place a girl like you happened to have her party... LINDSEY : Nathan and Haley would have to talk. Nice. But they'll never go for it. LUCAS : Well, they will, if, um, they... LINDSEY : ...don't know about it! oh, you're bad. LUCAS : you want to be bad with me? LINDSEY : oh, you know I do. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley is making breakfast for Jamie HALEY : hey, sleepy, what's up? JAMIE : I saw grandpa. HALEY : when? JAMIE : last night...in my dream. HALEY : I'm sorry, baby. We will do a double check before you go to bed tonight, okay? Look, I made it with a smiley face. That's how you like it, right? JAMIE : When's daddy coming home? HALEY : I'm sorry, sweetie. We talked about this. Probably not for a while. Later, Haley is with Lindsey preparing some stuff for the weeding HALEY : And so what were you thinking about doing for your party? 'cause I was thinking it would be really fun to go old school, like jello shots and '80s music. LINDSEY : Uh, actually, if it's okay with you, I was thinking we'd do something low-key. HALEY : All right. LINDSEY : Just the girls. RIVERCOURT Lucas and Nathan are playing LUCAS : Come on, man, just the guys.And Lindsey talked to Haley and said she's gonna clear out of the house. NATHAN : Really? LUCAS : Yeah. NATHAN : All right. I'll be there. LUCAS : Thanks, man. I... I know you got a lot going on. NATHAN : I got a lot going on? Lucas, I'm living on your couch. LUCAS : I meant on your mind. NATHAN : Just the guys, right? LUCAS : And Jamie. BOYS APARTMENT Skills is planning the party, with Jamie SKILLS : Joint party? Man, your parents are messing up everything. Well, I guess I got to say goodbye to the champagne hot tub. Now what am I gonna do? JAMIE : I went to a great party last weekend. SKILLS : yeah? What'd they have? JAMIE : Cotton candy, moon bounce, wacky string... ooh, and donkey rides. SKILLS : yeah? I had a donkey on my list, too. RIVERCOURT Lucas is still there, playing alone. Peyton arrives PEYTON : All right, Luke. Let me have it. I deserve it. LUCAS : Why? PEYTON : Lindsey didn't tell you about the library? LUCAS : Yeah, she told me Tim rescued you, but you got to admit that story seems a little farfetched. If you girls didn't want to come watch my team play, you just say so. PEYTON : okay, come on. She didn't say anything about how mean I was to her? LUCAS : No. were you mean to her again? PEYTON : She's really great, Luke. LUCAS : Thank you. But it means a lot to hear you say that. CLOTHES OVER BROS MILLICENT : You and Owen didn't hook up in New York? BROOKE : Let's just say things are really good. What about you and mouth? How's that going? MILLICENT : Let's just say things are really good. He's been so sweet, every day he delivers a treat and just before he leaves, a kiss. It's the best part of my day. BROOKE : Oh, a treat every day. MILLICENT : Two treats, if you count the kiss. BROOKE : Oh. (Mouth walks in) MOUTH : Hi. MILLICENT : hey. MOUTH : I got you a pumpernickel bagel, and a surprise for you... mocha double latte, extra foam. BROOKE : I love you... And I have a bit of a surprise for you... Rachel's back. MOUTH : Rachel, Rachel? BROOKE : Owen and I found her in New York. She overdosed in my apartment. She's been laying load at the house for about a week. MOUTH : Is she okay? BROOKE : She seems okay today, but I... I don't know. A visit from you would probably really do her good. MOUTH : Yeah, okay, bye, Milly. (Mouth leaves) MILLICENT : I didn't get my kiss. Later, Peyton walks in the store to see Brooke and give her an envelope. PEYTON : Hey. BROOKE : If that's letter number 86 from the sad box of "Lucas summer," you can keep it. PEYTON : Just open it. BROOKE : Does my store look like a drug front to you? PEYTON : It's the start-up money you lent me for my label. I just got paid for Mia's deal. BROOKE : By who... a bunch of Colombians? PEYTON : No, but cash is just more fun. It's more dramatic. BROOKE : Peyton, it is way more money than I lent you. PEYTON : it's twice as much, actually. It looks like you're a very smart investor. BROOKE : Well... PEYTON : So, what's going on? BROOKE : Um... (Lindsey arrives from the fitting room, wearing her wedding gown) LINDSEY : Brooke? It's amazing. PEYTON : Hey, Lindsey. Hi. LINDSEY : Hi. PEYTON : You make a very beautiful bride. LINDSEY : Thank you, Peyton, and thank you, Brooke. It's perfect! BROOKE : it is perfect. LINDSEY : Oh, uh, hey, so, Lucas and I decided to combine our bachelor/bachelorette parties tonight at Haley's. BROOKE : Wow. Have Nathan and Haley even talked since Nate went all Jude law with the hot nanny? PEYTON : Didn't we warn her? BROOKE : Yeah. LINDSEY : uh, no, they're not speaking. BROOKE : Okay, so, how... LINDSEY : um, we lied. BROOKE : oh, that's good. PEYTON : Got to start somewhere, right? A STORE Skills is buying some funny stuff for the party, with Jamie SKILLS : Okay, wacky string... 10 cans, jam master j. JAMIE : Is daddy going to be at the party? SKILLS : mm-hmm. JAMIE : And mommy, too? SKILLS : Yep. But, look, you can't tell mommy or daddy, okay? JAMIE : Can we play "rock band" at the party? SKILLS : hmm. Good idea, kid. Man, you got this party thing down, hugh hefner. Come on. MACY'S STORE Lucas and Lindsey are creating their wedding registry LUCAS : Man, who knew that old boxers would take over the mini-grill industry, huh? So, anything else on the wish list? LINDSEY : Uh, you see the bar code for your next book? I got to give them something, Luke. LUCAS : I know. I know, I know, I know. Let me give it one more pass, and then you got it, okay? LINDSEY : Thank you. (Lindsey kiss Lucas when Brooke and Owen walk by) BROOKE : Oh, pda in the mall is so 7th grade. Owen, kiss me. They're doing it. OWEN : So is peer pressure. (Owen take her in his arms but don't kiss her) LUCAS : What's going on? BROOKE : Oh, nothing. Just killing some time before my big meeting. (Bevin arrives) BEVIN : o...m...g! Brooke? Lucas? (cheering )r-a-v-e-n-s! go, ravens! BROOKE : Hi...Bevin. BEVIN : What's up?! BROOKE : Nothing. We're just... BEVIN : Oh, I'm great, thanks. So, after I graduated four years ago, I got a job, and I got married, and I had a little boy. Oh. Isn't he cute? His name is Nathan (She shows Brooke a picture of him. Same picture Tim showed her at the library) BEVIN : Wow, Lucas. You're marrying Brooke? Huh. I always thought you'd marry Peyton. BROOKE : No, uh... BEVIN : So, have you heard from Rachel? BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Rachel is on the terrace, Peyton arrives PEYTON : That's a nice spot, huh? RACHEL : Yeah. PEYTON : How you feeling today? RACHEL : Honestly, I'm a little bit ashamed. You and Brooke don't have to babysit me. PEYTON : Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? RACHEL : I know I can beat this. I just got so deep in it, I forgot which way was up. PEYTON : The light is always up. When I first came back home, I really didn't know What I wanted, and Brooke believed in me, and today it felt really, really good to prove her right. She believes in you, too, you know. RACHEL : I know. and I'm gonna make it up to her. MACY'S STORE Owen and Brooke are still there, walking OWEN : how's Rachel doing? BROOKE : Really well, actually. It's been hard on her, you know, and so gross. But i think she's strong enough to stay sober. I really do. OWEN : I hope so, Brooke. You know, I know I was a little opinionated about how you fired Rachel, but... I think I was just projecting, you know? It's really great you're trying to help her now. BROOKE : Well, I'm not helping her 'cause I fired her. I'm helping her 'cause she needs it. (Victoria arrives from the escalators) VICTORIA : Oh. Hello, darllng. BROOKE : Hi. I'm confused. VICTORIA : Of course you are. The meeting was moved forward. Not to worry... your input wasn't needed. BROOKE : But this was my meeting. VICTORIA : It was just business talk... way over your head. You wouldn't have understood. So, where have you been hiding yourself all week, anyway? BROOKE : I've been finishing a wedding dress and handling some personal things. VICTORIA : Well, good. you can get back to it. You're dismissed. Go play. It's what you do best. (Victoria leaves) OWEN : Babe, you shouldn't put up with that. I know she's your mom, but you can't be partners with somebody that treats you like that. BROOKE : Okay, I thought you were working on the whole "opinionated" thing. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Lucas arrives with Jamie JAMIE : Bye uncle Lucas (Jamie runs immediately to the stairs, Haley arrives) HALEY : Hey, hey, hey. Where's my kiss? (Jamie makes a kiss to his mom) HALEY : Okay. Careful what you ask for, I guess. LUCAS : How's he doing? HALEY : He's okay. You know. I think he's over hating me, but I'm still the bad guy. LUCAS : Well, when he files for emancipation, then you can worry. HALEY : How are you and Lindsey doing? You guys ready for the big day? LUCAS : Well, not a lot of time. She wants my new pages first. I'm just not sure they're quite there. (Lucas is hanging a draft of his new novel) HALEY : Well, if you need an extra set of eyes, I will be happy to help. LUCAS : You would? HALEY : Yes, of course. I was your first editor. If I don't like it, Don't hate me. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton is there, Brooke walks in BROOKE : okay, don't hate me, but you have a date to the party tonight. One of Owen's friends is in town. Supposedly he's supercute. He's coming out with us tonight. I told him you were gonna be there. PEYTON : Blind double date? BROOKE : Only half blind. Say yes because It's the Peyton i know and love and because, if you show up with a date, You are gonna look classy and over it. PEYTON : Okay. I will go get ready. But he better be cute. (Peyton goes get ready, Rachel walks in) BROOKE : I'd invite you... RACHEL : Yeah, but detox and parties don't mix. BROOKE : Yeah. but we're gonna come back early. I promise. RACHEL : Look, uh, i was talking to Peyton today about how you helped her out with her business. And, I don't know, I'm feeling really good now and supermotivated to get back to work, and yesterday, you know, you said that maybe I could start modeling for clothes over bro's again. So, I was just wondering... BROOKE : Right... Rachel, I love you, but I meant maybe a job at the store, you know, like, you could learn the retail side and work your way back up. RACHEL : Oh. I see. yeah. BROOKE : Hey. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. You're one of my best friends, and you're an incredible model. But it's that lifestyle, you know? You can't be around that. Not yet. RACHEL : Yeah, I know. BROOKE : Look, I feel like I let you down once before, and I can't do that again. RACHEL : Brooke, that was not your fault, all right? That was me. I am not gonna make those same mistakes again. I'm strong. you said so. BROOKE : Yeah. So, let's just give it time, okay? Baby steps. RACHEL : Sure. Okay. A STORE Dan is buying a basketball CLERK : New basketball for your son? DAN : Actually, it's for my grandson. CLERK : Wow. I never would have guessed. You keep yourself in great shape DAN : I had a lot of spare time on my hands. (Dan looks at her badge) DAN : So, patty... what time do you get off? PATTY : Well, that depends... What time are you gonna pick me up [SCENE_BREAK] BOYS APARTMENT Millicent comes to visit Mouth MOUTH : hey. MILLICENT : hey. You look nice. MOUTH : Thanks. I'm just, uh, getting ready for Lucas and Lindsey's party. MILLICENT : After you go see Rachel? MOUTH : I was thinking about it. Why? MILLICENT : Mouth, Rachel once had me guard the women's bathroom at bungalow 8 while she did things... with a guy or two. I know what she's about. I also know that you and Rachel have history. MOUTH : Listen, Rachel's friend who's going through a hard time, I just want to support her. I mean, I'd bring you along if I didn't think it was insensitive to her condition. MILLICENT : Rachel's never been sensitive to anyone's condition but her own. MOUTH : Well, you don't know her like I do. MILLICENT : I know. That's what I'm afraid of. MOUTH : Look, Millicent... MILLICENT : It's okay, mouth. Just go. I'll see you at the party. EXTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Lucas and Nathan arrive for the party LUCAS : So, look, Nate, um, about this party... I gotta tell you, I feel bad... Haley's inside. NATHAN : I figured. LUCAS : You did? NATHAN : Yeah. You always meddle, Luke. It's what you do. You're just lucky I miss my wife. (They are in front of the door) NATHAN : You believe this? Ringing the bell at my own house. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is getting ready, the doorbell rings BROOKE : They're here. (She goes open the door) BROOKE : Hi, Owen. OWEN : Hey. BROOKE : Hi... Chase? CHASE : Brooke. EXTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley opens the door to Lucas and Nathan NATHAN : hi. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke walks in her room, where Rachel and Peyton are. BROOKE : it's chase. PEYTON : Like, "clean teen" chase? BROOKE : uh-huh. PEYTON : oh, my god. This is getting so good. Are you sure you don't want in? RACHEL : Uh, I'm barely clean and hardly a teen. BROOKE : Team, help me. Owen never told me his friend's name. What am I supposed to do? PEYTON : So what? I mean, do you want to bail? BROOKE : No. I mean... No. It's fine. I'm with Owen. I haven't talked to chase in years, but... (Peyton and Rachel open partway the door to look at him) PEYTON : Chase really is so cute. BROOKE : Are you two enjoying this? PEYTON : Uh, well, yeah, a little. BROOKE : Okay. If you hook up with chase, for the record, you're taking a cab home. PEYTON : Okay. Well, you're paying. (Peyton take some cash from the envelope she gave Brooke earlier) BROOKE : Fine. PEYTON : Seriously, if it gets awkward, just say the word, okay? BROOKE : Okay. OWEN'S CAR Brooke, Owen, Peyton and Chase are in the car, driving to the party BROOKE : Awkward. OWEN : What? BROOKE : Nothing. OWEN : Okay, does somebody want to tell me what's going on? CHASE : Hey, bud... You remember that girl I used to tell you about back when we first moved in together? OWEN : Yeah, the one you constantly talked about? CHASE : Not constantly, but yeah. OWEN : What, the fake virgin chick you lost your virginity to? BROOKE : Chick? CHASE : Yeah. OWEN : What about her? CHASE : Do you remember her name? (Owen starts thinking, then looks at Brooke) OWEN : Come on! NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE NATHAN : Haley... I'm sorry, all right? This was not my idea. Um, I can go if you want me to. HALEY : No. you should stay. We need to talk anyway. (Skills and the boys walk in with Jamie, who runs to his father) JAMIE : daddy! NATHAN : There he is! JAMIE : Can we play "rock band"... me, you, and mommy? NATHAN : Yeah, sure, we can. HALEY : I... I'm a little busy right now, sweetie. Sorry. We'll talk later. You should play with him. He misses you. (Haley leaves) NATHAN : Was that cotton candy? Nice. Brooke, Peyton, Chase and Owen arrive at the party OWEN : Man, I don't know how I never put it together. Sobriety must be going to my head. CHASE : I never put it together either. You said, "Brooke." I said, "Brooke." OWEN : Yeah, but you said, "Brooke that started a fashion line." CHASE : Yeah, yeah, you probably should have figured that one out. OWEN : Yeah... Dude, stop smiling. Haley and Nathan are in the kitchen NATHAN : You, uh, got a little something. (Nathan tries to wipe the chocolate she's got on her lips) HALEY : Oh. oh, I got it. NATHAN : Sorry... Just, uh, thought you were actually happy to see me. HALEY : I am happy to see you. JAMIE : mommy! daddy! Let's play "rock band." HALEY : Not right now, sweetie. I am happy to see you. It's just tonight's about Lucas and Lindsey and not us and... (Jamie is pulling Haley's dress) HALEY : Yes, Jamie. what? JAMIE : I want to play "rock band." HALEY : Well, go play, then, sweetie. Go on. (Haley leaves) JAMIE : I meant all of us. NATHAN : I know. Maybe later, okay? (Nathan leaves and Skills sees Jamie sad) SKILLS : Come on, jimmy jam. I'll rock with you. JAMIE : It's okay. Maybe later. (Jamie leaves and walks by Brooke who sees him really sad) BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Mouth came to visit Rachel MOUTH : my, uh... my college roommate actually spent $6 on "vogue" for your clothes over bro's layout. RACHEL : Your roommate, huh? Well, it's all been downhill from there. MOUTH : Hey, coming out of high school, we all want to rule the world, but it's tough. I basically had to sleep with my boss to keep my job. RACHEL : Well, you've come a long way, mouth. I'd probably still have my job if Brooke had that rule. I got to say, man, I'm a little jealous of everyone's success. MOUTH : Why didn't you ever call me? I would have helped you. RACHEL : I know. That's why I didn't. MOUTH : Well, is there anything I can do for you now, Rachel? RACHEL : Anything? MOUTH : Sure. RACHEL : Well, you remember that motel room at Honey Grove? I could really use the release, Mouth. A little natural high. (Rachel is seducing him) MOUTH : Rachel, I... RACHEL : Come on. You slept with your boss. How about a module? MOUTH : I can't. RACHEL : I'm sorry. I... I must look terrible. MOUTH : Don't. You're beautiful, and you could have whoever you want and whatever you want. RACHEL : But? MOUTH : But you don't believe that. You need to learn to let go of whatever it is that makes you think you're not good enough. 'cause that's when you're gonna beat this... when you learn that you matter... I should go. (Mouth leaves. Rachel takes her cell phone. She's got a message from Karl:"we are parting in south beach. get your hot ass down here. Bring party favors") NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is alone in his room, looking at a picture, Brooke and Owen come in BROOKE : Can we come in? What you got there, little man? JAMIE : Nothing. BROOKE : That's more than nothing. Those are the two people who love you the most in the world. Almost as much as i do. JAMIE : Is he your boyfriend? BROOKE : You're the only boyfriend in my life. OWEN : Hey. I heard I owe you one. You got me another chance with Brooke."what's under all the clothes, Brooke Davis?" JAMIE : So, you find out? BROOKE : On that note, boy time is over. Let's go. OWEN : Give me knuckles. Lucas comes to talk to Haley LUCAS : Hey. Look, I hope you don't feel too slighted by the setup. HALEY : To be honest, I kind of expected it from you guys... "you" being, uh... you and Lindsey. Your hearts were in the right place, though. You picked the right person to spend the rest of your life with, Luke. LUCAS : So did you. (Lucas leaves) Outside, Peyton is watching from afar Lucas walking out of the house, Chase joins her CHASE : so, this is kind of weird, huh? Then again, I did find you pretty cute back in high school. PEYTON : Oh, god, come on. CHASE : I did. But I was with Brooke. And you were with Lucas... You still love him? PEYTON : He's with Lindsey now. (Chase kiss Peyton) PEYTON : Chase, I... CHASE : 3:00. Lucas was looking. Just trying to help you out. Mouth arrives at the party, he find Millicent MOUTH : Hey. Did I miss all the fun? (Millicent spays Mouth with wacky string) MOUTH : I guess not. MILLICENT : When I was a little girl, I sprayed the boys I liked most with wacky string. But then Todd Pinkerton got some in his mouth, and he started to cry. Needless to say, I abandoned that tactic. I really like you, Marvin. So the next time you go to visit some really hot former model who you have some sort of sexual history with and who's in a vulnerable state... just consider me. MOUTH : You're right. I can do that. Owen is sitting on an armchair with Brooke on his lap, eating some cake OWEN : So, I built it up so much. I told all these kids that my mom was gonna get me this cake with rambo on it... like, chest scars, flames, you know? My mom brings the cake out, and instead of a picture of rambo, it's like this dinky homemade cake. No Rambo... just the words "rambo says 'happy birthday'" scribbled across the top. So embarrassing. I thought it was funny, but if you have a better story... BROOKE : No, your mom sounds sweet. On the rare occasion that my mother ever actually remembered my birthday, she'd just toss her gold card at me and tell me to go buy something. She never really cared to get involved. She's not exactly the nurturing type. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Victoria comes in VICTORIA : Hey, junkie. Get up. You and Peyton are like bloodsucking vermin that just won't go away. Where's my daughter? RACHEL : She's at a party. VICTORIA : Of course she is. And when she's not partying with the bartender, she's running a halfway house, apparently. RACHEL : I'm not a... I'm better now. VICTORIA : Yeah. Whatever. Today you're fine. Tomorrow you'll have pawned my Pradas. RACHEL : It's different this time. Brooke believes in me. VICTORIA : Oh, well, look out, Tony Robbins, here comes my daughter. You know, I convinced her to cut you loose once. I can do it again. RACHEL : Brooke wouldn't do that to me. VICTORIA : No? Look at you. You're pathetic. And the sad thing is, you're gonna lie to yourself long enough to hurt the people who still give a damn. Why don't you think of them before you relapse and waste all their time and their money? I mean, let's be honest. You can't beat this thing. And deep down inside... you know it, too. Don't you? NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Outside, Skills, Junk and Fergie are playing with Jamie, and put him inside the moon bounce JAMIE : No! no! no! no! no! SKILLS : get him! get him! get him! get him! get hi FERGIE : one, two, three... SKILLS : boom.. (Haley arrives) HALEY : Guys, can you take it easy, please? Be careful. Come on, sweetie. It's time to go. JAMIE : But, mom... HALEY : It's getting late. You got to go to bed soon, all right? HALEY (to Skills) : You got to remember his size. You treat him like one of the guys, but he's just a little boy. SKILLS : Look, Haley, I don't wanna disrespect you, 'cause I know you and Nathan going through some things right now. But I never lost sight on how little that boy is. Actually, I'm amazed how little he is because his heart is so big. You know today all he wanted to do was make sure y'all was a whole family again. That's what today meant to him. And if you hadn't noticed, I just think y'all are the ones that done lost sight of things. Lindsey is sitting outside, Lucas joins her LINDSEY : I can't believe we're getting married. LUCAS : Yep. And after the wedding, you'll be another Scott in tree hill. You think you can handle that? LINDSEY : Uh, who said I was taking your last name? So, how's our little plan working out? (They look behind them and see Nathan and Haley talking) LUCAS : Uh, they're talking. That's a start, right? Nathan and Haley, alone NATHAN : Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. HALEY : Aren't you tired of that? You shouldn't have to apologize for who you are, not anymore. I've been thinking a lot this week. And I knew who you were when I married you, and what I've realized is that it's really not fair. NATHAN : What are you saying? HALEY : I'm saying that it was wrong of me... to try and change you. I'm the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have tried to change you or us. And now... now... I'm done trying. (Haley leaves) Jamie is alone in his room, holding a rabbit. Skills comes in SKILLS : Hey. Thanks for all your help with the party, man. JAMIE : Sure. SKILLS : The moon bounce was the bomb, and the cotton candy was off the chain, and them was all your ideas. JAMIE : Yep. SKILLS : Word. You know I'm gonna always be there for you, right? JAMIE : Word. Want to hold Chester? SKILLS : You know you my dog, right? But that's where I draw the line. I ain't never have a pet. JAMIE : This pet don't scare you. He doesn't bite. (Skills starts to fondle Chester and Jamie makes it move) SKILLS : That ain't funny. Brooke is in one of the bedroom, looking for her coat. Chase walks in CHASE : Find your coat? Or were you just stealing wallets? BROOKE : Well, they call it Winona syndrome when you have everything and you resort to petty theft for the cheap thrill. CHASE : Come on. Your career sounds pretty thrilling. BROOKE : It is. What about you? You a thrill-seeking pilot boy yet? CHASE : I'm a thrill-seeking carpet salesman paying for flying lessons. BROOKE : How's the big date going? CHASE : Good... You and Owen, huh? He's a good guy. BROOKE : He is. CHASE : Let me get that. (Chase helps Brooke to put on her coat) Outside, Junk and Fergie walk by the moon bounce FERGIE : So, what's the deal? You seen Luke? JUNK : Yeah, the moon bounce is rockin'. FERGIE : All'right. (we see Lucas and Lindsey lying down, inside the moon bounce LINDSEY : Suppose Keith and my dad were sitting next to each other at a bar in heaven. What do you think they'd talk about? LUCAS : Well, after they had a beer... I think Keith would take a long, hard look at your dad and he'd say... "where's the bathroom?"... No, seriously, I think your dad and Keith would have been best friends. And Keith would tell him what a great job he did raising his daughter. Because he did. LINDSEY : My father loved you. So do I. (They kiss) Inside the house, Millicent is still playing with the wacky string on Mouth MOUTH : I thought you abandoned that tactic. MILLICENT : I figured I'd take the risk. Good night, Mouth. (She starts leaving) MOUTH : Millicent, aren't you forgetting something? (Mouth kiss her) MOUTH : That's the best part of my day, and I missed it. MILLICENT : Mine too. MOUTH : Come on. Skills is with Jamie in his room, Haley walks in JAMIE : "colors are"... (Skills see Haley) SKILLS : Okay, buddy. HALEY : Thank you. (Skills hug Haley and leaves) OUTSIDE BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton and Chase come back from the party. Owen and Brooke are also there a little bit afar off them. PEYTON : I had a good time tonight. Thanks for having fun with me. (She kiss him) CHASE : Um, what was that for? PEYTON : Brooke was looking... You're welcome. Good luck. CHASE : Thanks. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE In Jamie's bedroom, Nathan is with Jamie JAMIE : Are you gonna be here in the morning, daddy? NATHAN : I'm afraid not. JAMIE : Why? Mommy won't let you stay? NATHAN : No, it's not mommy. Your mom is the best mom in the world, okay? Don't ever forget that. it's just... daddy's on a time-out right now. JAMIE : Are you ever coming home, daddy? NATHAN : I hope so. JAMIE : I hope so, too. (we see Haley, in the doorway, listening) BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton and Brooke come home BROOKE : Rachel, we're home! (Peyton finds the envelope where was the cash empty) PEYTON : She's gone. You tried, Brooke. I guess she just wasn't ready. HOTEL ROOM Dan is with Patty, in bed PATTY : So, we didn't get to talk much tonight. What's your story? DAN : I just got out of jail for killing my brother. PATTY : Right. So, did you do it? DAN : Yeah. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke is working on Lindsey's dress when Victoria walks in VICTORIA : I saw the light on. I wanted to make sure that Rachel wasn't cleaning us out. BROOKE : What is that supposed to mean? Have you been to my house? Did you say something to her? VICTORIA : Nothing the mirror couldn't have told her. BROOKE : Leave my friends alone, okay? VICTORIA : I was trying to protect you from making another mistake. BROOKE : Firing Rachel was a mistake. VICTORIA : That was business. BROOKE : That is not the way I want my business to be. People deserve better. She... VICTORIA : You see? This is exactly why you weren't included in the meeting today. You're too emotional. You need to remove emotion from business. That's why I'm here. BROOKE : Now. You're here now. What about all of those years I was growing up? You never wanted to be a part of my life until I started this company. VICTORIA : What? Cheerleading, School president... Stop being childish. You're the face of a company, and you took your company as far as you could on your own. Then you came to me when you needed help. BROOKE : Well, Rachel needed my help, and you made me fire her. VICTORIA : You earned my help, Brooke. Rachel didn't earn yours. BROOKE : I earned it? A daughter is not supposed to have to earn her mother's help... or her love. It is supposed to be unconditional. VICTORIA : Whatever. (Victoria stars to leave) BROOKE : You're fired. VICTORIA : What did you just say? BROOKE : I said... you...are fired. VICTORIA : You're going to fire me and risk our entire company? BROOKE : But it's not our company. It's my company. Remember? VICTORIA : I am not an employee. I am your mother. BROOKE : I know. You're fired. You can go now. LUCAS (voiceover) : Albert Camus once wrote, "blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." But I wonder... if there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there's no healing, then there's no learning. And if there's no learning... then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life... HALEY'S BEDROOM / LUCAS' BEDROOM Haley's in bed, with Lucas' novel. She has just finished it. Lucas and Lindsey are in bed, Lindsey is sleeping and Lucas is reading when his cell phone rings. LUCAS : Hey. HALEY : Hi. I need to talk to you. LUCAS : Sure. Is everything okay? LUCAS (voiceover) : ... so must all hearts be broken? HALEY : No. You can't marry Lindsey.

Plan: A: Lindsey; Q: Who is Lucas' bride? A: Brooke; Q: Who sets Peyton up with an old boyfriend? A: Rachel; Q: Who returns to Tree Hill? A: Dan; Q: Who comes back hoping for a fresh start? A: a fresh start.[23; Q: What does Dan come back hoping for? A: Morrissey; Q: Who is the song named after? Summary: On the eve of Lucas and Lindsey's marriage, they conspire to save Nathan and Haley's. Brooke sets Peyton up with an old boyfriend, while still dealing with Victoria. Rachel returns to Tree Hill, and Dan comes back hoping for a fresh start.[23] This episode is named after a song by Morrissey .

MUSIC IN: INT. PRISON VAN - MOVING DISPATCHER: (V.O./FILTERED) Transport three three four, we're hearing a tractor trailer flipped over on two ninety five. It's a parking lot. DRIVER: (INTO PHONE) Three thirty four, roger that. Tell the judge we're going to be a little while. We'll peel off at New Kent. I'll take King Williams to River Road. MARSHAL: No, just stay on Seventeen the whole way. DRIVER: (INTO RADIO) Yeah, wait one. My wife is giving me directions. MARSHAL: I don't want to take the damn scenic route. You've got all those stop lights in New Kent. (SFX: DRIVER SUFFERS HEART ATTACK/ GASPS/ GROANS) DRIVER: I can't breathe...! MARSHAL: Just pull it over to the side. Richie...? Stop the bus!(SFX: BUS SCREECHES TO A STOP) MARSHAL: Richie, are you okay? (SFX: GATE OPENS) (SFX: TONY AS A PRISONER STRANGLES THE MARSHAL) TONY: Come on, let's get out of here! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AS PRISONER AND JEFFREY RUN INTO THE CLEARING) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: How did it go? MARSHAL: Perfect. Didn't feel a thing. GIBBS: Did White seem to buy it? DRIVER: He bought it all right. He was scared. You could smell it. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, Gibbs. VOICE: (FILTERED) Yeah, I'm calling about the VW convertible. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What? VOICE: (FILTERED) The ninety two VW for sale. How-- GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You've got the wrong number. (TO KATE) Come on, Kate! We're moving! MARSHAL: See ya. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Hello?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You got him? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Are you honestly asking me that? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) No, Abs. I called to flirt. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You think I'd send our helpless boy out there in the world without knowing exactly where he is? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby, go to video. I thought you said you had him. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) The G.P.S. system has his position -- (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ... Within four feet. You don't have him in your car? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) No, Abby. I do not! (BEAT) Okay, I got him now. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You forgot to turn it on. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Put McGee on. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: He wants you. MCGEE: How did he know I was here? ABBY: Because he's Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) Uh yes, Boss? GIBBS: I got people calling me every five minutes asking if I have a VW for sale. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) A VW? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) It's a car, McGee. MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) Uh, no no no. I know. I just didn't know that you owned a VW. GIBBS: Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a squishy little car? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) No. You know it's probably a used car listing in the paper with the wrong number, that is unfortunately your number. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Do you think?! MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) You already figured that out. GIBBS: Fix it! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY MCGEE: How does he want me to fix it? ABBY: You can't. You're doomed. So you'd better get back to the case. MCGEE: Okay. So where did you finally put the GPS? ABBY: I thought about subdermal implantation. MCGEE: Ah under the skin. ABBY: Yeah. Maybe in his neck. Tony wouldn't go for it. But I would have loved to have done that. MCGEE: Didn't consider a suppository? ABBY: I thought of it. Tony balked. MCGEE: Surprising. ABBY: Yeah. I put it in his shoe. It's really boring. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY (ACTION CONTINUES: TONY AND JEFFREY RUNNING) JEFFREY: Wait. I can't... I can't keep going. TONY: Get up and run! Let's go! Hey! I just killed a guy back there. I am not getting caught. Let's get up and run. Move it! Let's go! JEFFREY: If you kill me, you're going to have to drag me. TONY: Okay, what's your name? JEFFREY: Jeffrey. TONY: I'm Tony. Did you ever see The Defiant Ones, Jeffrey? JEFFREY: What? TONY: The movie, The Defiant Ones, Tony Curtis, Sidney Poitier. JEFFREY: I think I'm having an asthma attack. TONY: That was a great movie. These two guys, right, a black guy and a white guy escape from a Southern chain gang. They're chained together just like we are. JEFFREY: We're not black. TONY: My grandmother was black. JEFFREY: Oh, okay. So what happens? TONY: They fight each other every step of the way. Tony Curtis has an infected wrist, a bullet in his shoulder. JEFFREY: Really? TONY: Yeah. He had guts. Guts, Jeffrey. He doesn't want to live in a cage. I don't want to live in a cage. So we're going to get up, Jeffrey. We're going to get up and we're going to get out of here. JEFFREY: Who's Tony Curtis? TONY: Who's Tony Curtis? You are. Let's go. (JEFFREY BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE TREE BRANCH AND FALLS TO THE GROUND) (JEFFREY MOANS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MTAC CONTROL: Where's Gibbs? MCGEE: Who needs to know? MTAC CONTROL: I'm the new senior MTAC Control Officer. Where is he? MCGEE: He is in the field. MTAC CONTROL: The Director's office called. In five minutes the Deputy Secretary of State, Anna Elliott... MCGEE: Wait a minute. Deputy Secretary of the United States? MTAC CONTROL: No. Norway. She's coming on in MTAC. She's going to be the State Department rep on the investigation. Get Gibbs fast! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY (PHONE RINGS) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I don't have a VW for sale! (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I know, Boss. Switching to car feed. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) The Deputy Secretary of State is coming on in MTAC in five minutes and she wants to speak with you. GIBBS: Handle it, McGee. MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) Uh... excuse me? GIBBS: You are the highest ranking member of our team in the office. Deal with it. MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) Do you think that's a good idea? This is a very powerful and important gov-- (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Boss? Boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY (SFX: MCGEE CHEWS TABLETS) ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Agent Gibbs? MCGEE: Uh no. No, Ma'am. Agent Timothy McGee. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Are you in charge of this investigation? MCGEE: Uh... at this moment here in NCIS headquarters, I am. Agent Gibbs is unreachable in the field. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Okay. Give me the short version. MCGEE: Well uh... since the beginning of the war, many very valuable Iraqi antiquities have been smuggled out of Iraq. (WHISPERS TO TECH) Roll it. (TO ELLIOTT) You should be seeing them on your screen now. FBI and Customs have seized many of these pieces in the U.S. They were collected and stored at Norfolk Naval Station for shipment back to Iraq. Many of these artifacts date back from the Sumarian period. They are about five thousand years old. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Is this the short version? MCGEE: Yes. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Shorter, faster, and let's skip the whole Sumarian Period. MCGEE: Okay. Okay. Uh... they were stolen by two civilian employees who were hired to crate them for shipment back to Iraq. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) And how many pieces were taken? MCGEE: Eighty seven. They were stolen in a large conex container roughly... eighteen hours ago. One of the thieves, Jeffrey White, picked up on a traffic violation minutes after an APB went out. He is in custody... sort of. Uh... the other is Lane Danielson. He's uh... he is at large with the conex box. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) What does that mean "in custody, sort of?" MCGEE: If the Iraqi antiquities are not recovered within forty eight hours, statistically they will probably be sold into private art collections and lost forever. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Okay, I'll ask again. What does that mean, "in custody, sort of?" MCGEE: Sorry. Uh... Jeffrey... Jeffrey refused to talk so we let him get away with an undercover agent hoping that he would lead us to the conex box. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) You let the one that you had in custody escape? MCGEE: With an undercover NCIS agent, yes, Ma'am. (MCGEE SIGHS) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODS - DAY (SFX: TONY SMASHES THE CHAIN) TONY: They did this in The Defiant Ones. The chain represents the unbreakable bond between all men. Every scene in that movie is a metaphor. JEFFREY: You don't talk like a criminal. What'd you do? TONY: Okay, I didn't do anything. Let's get that crystal clear. I was landing my plane in Virginia Beach on my way back from the Dominican Republic. JEFFREY: You're a pilot? TONY: Yeah. I was flying in this rich couple. Customs found four keys of cocaine in the luggage. It was the rich couple's. I never saw it before. JEFFREY: I'm sorry. It's a tough break. TONY: Yeah. I was looking at twenty five to life. I wasn't going to let that happen. This isn't working. Oh, all right. We've got to keep moving. Are you ready to be Tony Curtis again? JEFFREY: Uh-huh. TONY: All right. Here we go. This way. That's it. That's it. You are Tony Curtis! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED KATE: They're moving.(SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES) (SFX: CAR STARTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLEARING - DAY TONY: Oh yeah, baby! That's our ticket out of here. All right, let's find out if anybody's home. (JEFFREY AND TONY TUMBLE DOWN THE HILL INTO THE WATER) (SFX: JEFFREY SHRIEKS) TONY: Shh! Shh! JEFFREY: I guess... I guess no one's home, huh? They would have heard us, right? TONY: You figured that out yourself? You put that all together? JEFFREY: Hey Tony, was there anything like this... like in the water in The Defiant Ones? TONY: (LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah, there was a scene where the two of them nearly drowned. But that was a river. JEFFREY: But this is a river. TONY: No, Jeffrey, it's not. No. This is not a river. You know what this is? It's a stream. And you can't drown in a stream, okay? You can get wet and you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown! JEFFREY: You look mad. W-Why are you mad? We survived. TONY: Surviving in two feet of water is not a heroic accomplishment. JEFFREY: It is when you have a phobia of drowning. You look cold. TONY: I am cold. Okay, let's see if we can get inside. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CAR - DAY GIBBS: I lost him!(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I lost him, too. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (ON MONITOR) There's something wrong with the GPS. GIBBS: God!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAILER - DAY TONY: The chicks are going to love you. JEFFREY: That'll be the day. TONY: Am I sensing a lack of confidence here? JEFFREY: Look at me. What have I got to be confident about? TONY: Hey! Pump a little iron, get a tan, contact lenses... caps, maybe a little plastic surgery and you'll be... fine. Oh, Jeffrey, it's our lucky day. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRUCK - PARKED TONY: You know, you've only been with me four hours, Jeffrey. Do you realize how much your life has changed? You're out of prison. You've got new threads. You're riding in a tricked-out GMC Sierra. (SFX: TRUCK STARTS/DRIVES O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED GIBBS: We got a signal from the truck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: We're back in business, Gibbs. Good call on the trailer. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED KATE: Cash, clothes, and a car. Everything that Tony loves. GIBBS: Let's just hope he's not headed for Vegas. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRUCK - MOVING JEFFREY: Would you slow down? TONY: If I got any slower, I'll be going backwards, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: This cuff is chaffing me. TONY: Well, maybe we can stop and get you some lotion. JEFFREY: Really? TONY: No! Not really, Jeffrey. We're criminals on the run. Criminals on the run don't stop and get lotion. JEFFREY: Right. TONY: Okay, listen. Just relax. I know some people down in Florida. We can drive down there. The problem is we can't stay in this truck forever. It's probably LoJacked. JEFFREY: I have a friend who could help us. He's near here. TONY: You have a friend near here? And you were going to tell me this when? JEFFREY: Sorry! I just thought of it. Let's find a payphone. ONSTAR VOICE: (V.O.) Onstar. How can we help you, Mister Reynolds? TONY: Hi. Yeah, we'd like to make a call. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ONSTAR VOICE: (INTO PHONE) I'd be happy to place that call for you. What is the number? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRUCK - MOVING TONY: Hold on a second - (to Jeffrey) Let's get out of these cuffs, Jeffrey. What's the number? Come on. (SFX: MOTOR CYCLE) JEFFREY: Watch out!(TONY SCREAMS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TRUCK CRASHES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Gibbs, it sounds like Tony was in an accident! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) Got it, Abby. We're on it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRUCK - PARKED TONY: I wasn't going to hit him. I saw him the whole time. JEFFREY: I think I have a concussion. TONY: You didn't hit your head on anything. JEFFREY: The sticker says airbags can be fatal! TONY: For children! (SFX: ENGINE CRANKS) BIKER: Are you okay? TONY: Uh... yeah, we're cool. BIKER: I called nine one one. TONY: Kate! Oh, no. BIKER: Who's Kate? TONY: My dog. She must have jumped out. Kate! Kate! Come here, girl! (SFX: TONY WHISTLES) TONY: Oh, gosh. Ah! Ah! My leg! JEFFREY: Can you move it? BIKER: Wait here. I'll get her. What does she look like? TONY: A Shitzu. BIKER: A what? TONY: Long brown hair. Kind of mangy. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND JEFFREY CLIMB FROM THE TRUCK) BIKER: (V.O.) Kate! Here, girl! Kate! Here girl! Kate! Kate! (TONY AND JEFFREY RUN TO THE MOTORCYCLE) TONY: Put your arm around. JEFFREY: What? TONY: Put them under, all right? (SFX: MOTOR CYCLE STARTS/ DRIVES O.S.) BIKER: Hey what are you doing? (PASSAGE OF TIME) (GIBBS BRAKES TO A STOP) BIKER: Hey! Hey hey! My bike was stolen. You've got to help me. KATE: Who stole it? BIKER: Two guys. The truck went off the road. I was helping find their dog. KATE: They had a dog? BIKER: A Shitzu named Kate. KATE: They had a dog named Kate? GIBBS: What's a Shitzu? KATE: It's a little annoying dog. Did they describe it? BIKER: Yeah, they said it had long brown hair. Kind of mangy. KATE: I'm going to shoot him. GIBBS: How much gas did you have left in your tank? BIKER: Almost nothing. A half gallon tops. GIBBS: Okay, let's go. BIKER: Hey, what about my bike? GIBBS: We're going to find it. BIKER: Great. That's great. What should I do? GIBBS: Find the dog.(SFX: CAR DRIVES O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MOTORCYCLE - MOVING TONY: Loosen your grip! JEFFREY: What? TONY: I can't breathe! JEFFREY: My hand's numb. I can't move it. TONY: Stop it! JEFFREY: I'm going to fall off! TONY: You're not falling, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: I can't ride without hugging! TONY: Stop it! (V.O.) You and I are going to have a long talk after this, Jeffrey. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Come on, guys. Give me something to work with. Ah ha!(VIDEO FEED ON MONITOR B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - DAY JEFFREY: (QUIETLY INTO PHONE) It happened on the way to arraignment. I had no choice. I was handcuffed! What was I supposed to do! Don't you sell that without me, Lane. Okay. I know! I'm sorry! (HANGS UP PHONE) JEFFREY: Lane is not happy you're with me. TONY: Well, we'll cut the chain, you'll never see me again. JEFFREY: Could you fly me and Lane out of the country? TONY: Tricky, Jeffrey. I'd have to fly below the radar. No transponder. Limited range. Won't be cheap. JEFFREY: I could come up with the money. It might make Lane like you. TONY: I don't need Lane to like me. If we get out of these cuffs, you can come with me if you want. Without Lane. JEFFREY: Thanks, but I can't. Hey, could I drive? I'm getting a cramp in this position. TONY: No. JEFFREY: You didn't even think about it. TONY: Well, you ran into a tree. Trust me you shouldn't be.... operating heavy machinery.(JEFFREY STRUGGLES TO GET ON THE BIKE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - DAY ATTENDANT: I haven't seen him. KATE: Well, here's our number if they come in. ATTENDANT: Sure. KATE: Thanks. (KATE AND GIBBS WALK TO THEIR CAR) GIBBS: What? KATE: You're worried. GIBBS: About what? KATE: Tony. You are. I can tell. GIBBS: I'm worried about the job, Kate. Don't confuse the two. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I sold it! ELLIOT: (V.O.) Where is Special Agent Gibbs? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY MCGEE: He's still in the field. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Is he planning on coming back or am I doomed to speak to you for the duration of this investigation? MCGEE: Ma'am, he's searching for a missing agent. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) The agent chained to Jeffrey White? MCGEE: Yes. And when a fellow officer's in trouble... ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) So, you lost the agent who is chained to Jeffrey White? MCGEE: Well, yes. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Using the transitive property then, that leads me to the conclusion that NCIS has lost Jeffrey White. MCGEE: No. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) No? Then you have Jeffrey White in custody? MCGEE: Well, I... I... ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Call me the minute you find him....(BEAT) or whenever your mouth begins to work again. Whichever comes first. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ABBY FINGERPRINTS THE RAILING) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CABIN - DAY TONY: (V.O.) I am not having this conversation with you, Jeffrey. For the three hundredth and final time. Just shut your pie hole. JEFFREY: (V.O.) Hey. Okay. Okay. (SFX: MOTORCYCLE BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: Just wait! Wait! (DOOR OPENS) JEFFREY: Hey Lane. LANE: Hey. JEFFREY: This is Tony. TONY: How you doing? Okay. She's not as comfortable as she looks. Trust me. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLEARING - DAY (SFX: LANE HAMMERS METAL) LANE: You killed a Federal Marshal? TONY: I don't know that I killed him. LANE: You don't strike me the type that would kill a man. TONY: Sorry to disappoint you. LANE: Did Jeffrey tell you what we had going on? TONY: Ah, he just said that he wanted me to fly you out of the country. LANE: That's all? TONY: Yeah, that's all. LANE: Well, Jeffrey manipulates easy. TONY: Well, I'm not manipulating-- LANE: No?! TONY: No! You want me out of here, I'm gone. LANE: There's no need to rush off... unless you want to. TONY: Ha. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Gotcha. MCGEE: Their names didn't bring up any criminal records. ABBY: That's because this print doesn't match Lane Harrison or Jeffrey White. Meet Billy Collins. MCGEE: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) We've got an I.D., Boss.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Lane Harrison is an alias. He has done time for armed robbery and is wanted for three murders in the Seattle area. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What's his M.O.? ABBY: (ON MONITOR) According to the autopsy report... GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby! (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) He's a regular Mac the Knife, Gibbs. Their throats were cut from behind. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT LANE: There's a bed. It'll help you sleep. TONY: Thanks. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/LANE WALKS OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NCIS BUILDING - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) We now believe that Jeffrey White and Lane Danielson are not who they say they are. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY MCGEE: We've linked them to several murders. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) You put your agent with murderers. MCGEE: Yes, but we didn't know. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) And then you lost contact with your agent. MCGEE: Yes, but-- ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) And you still have no idea where in the world he is. MCGEE: No, but-- ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Then you have no idea where the Iraqi antiquities are. MCGEE: Well, no. No, we don't. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Not a clue. MCGEE: Not a clue. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) You ever worked at the post office, Agent McGee? MCGEE: No, Ma'am. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Ever cleaned toilets at a federal campground? MCGEE: No, Ma'am. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) If these antiquities are not found immediately, you will not even be able to get those two federal government jobs. Am I clear? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. GAS STATION - DAY KATE: He's leaving bread crumbs.(GIBBS DIALS THE PHONE) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey. Pull the records on a pay phone number for me. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Ready. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) The number is... eight oh four. Five five five, zero one seven eight. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Seven eight. Okay, got it. [SCENE_BREAK] GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Compare the numbers to the ones we have on Jeffrey White or Lane Harrison. Family, friends, anything. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Uh... look, Boss. The Deputy Secretary of State - she keeps calling. She keeps threatening things. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What kind of things? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Not letting us clean toilets, other jobs like that. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey McGee. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Calm down. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Okay. Sorry. I'm calm now. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay. I'm going to tell you how to handle this. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Next time she calls... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... You give her two words from the bottom of your heart. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Two words. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Stick it! (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Stick it? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm not sure that I can-- (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - DAY JEFFREY: Good morning. What's the matter? TONY: I'm not used to waking up this close to a man's face, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: We've got to get out of here. Lane took off. TONY: Where'd he go? JEFFREY: Last night we fought. Over you. TONY: Really don't like the way that sounds, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: He wanted to get rid of you. I wouldn't let him. TONY: Oh, now that sounds good. JEFFREY: You've been decent to me. Not a lot of people have. TONY: Where did he go? JEFFREY: I'm going to lay it out for you. TONY: All right. JEFFREY: I'm about to make a lot of money. But I need a partner. TONY: Talk to me. JEFFREY: Lane and me stole some stuff. Very valuable stuff. TONY: I kind of figured that. Was it drugs? JEFFREY: Stuff from Iraq. Like from a hundred thousand years ago. TONY: There were no people then, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: Whatever. It's old. We got it off this Navy base we were working at. TONY: What's it worth? JEFFREY: Three million. TONY: You kidding? JEFFREY: We got a buyer. This guy from Japan. The stuff's going to be on a ship to Tokyo tonight. TONY: So when do you get the money? JEFFREY: Eight hours. TONY: Okay. Lane took off to sell it out from under you, didn't he? JEFFREY: We've got to get to those buyers before he does. TONY: Where's the stuff? JEFFREY: Someplace safe. You with me? (BEAT) I can't face Lane alone. TONY: (LONG BEAT) I'm with you. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CAR - PARKED KATE: Let's break the pattern. GIBBS: What pattern? KATE: Dishonest silence pattern. I'll start. I'm worried for Tony. There. I said it. I dropped my guard for two seconds. I got it out. And now I'm happy. GIBBS: That made you happy? KATE: Yes. Don't you want to be happy, Gibbs? GIBBS: I am happy. KATE: You don't look happy. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: We're done with this. KATE: I thought we were. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, McGee. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Switch to car feed. (ON MONITOR) Boss, I got the list of numbers dialed from the pay phone. One was placed to a hunting cabin outside of Richmond. It was the only phone call made from that pay phone all afternoon. (V.O.) I'm feeding you the GPS coordinates now.(SFX: BEEP TONE) (SFX: CAR DRIVES O.S.) (SFX: TIRES SCREECH) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY JEFFREY: How soon can you get the plane? TONY: Well, I know a guy that can arrange a charter to Key West. From there we can get a King Air Three fifty, twin engine. That'll get us to Mexico. JEFFREY: I'm glad Lane took off. We're going to make a good team. We better get going. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CABIN - DAY (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Lane took the bike! JEFFREY: He must have pushed it down the road. He didn't want us to wake up when he started it. (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY JEFFREY: My father used to have a cabin like this. He used to bring me and my sister here. TONY: Good times? JEFFREY: He used to beat the crap out of me. Your parents are supposed to help you, Tony. Not hurt you. Your father hurt you? TONY: No, he was too drunk to hurt anyone. JEFFREY: I hate it here. TONY: Then let's get out of here, make us some money. JEFFREY: Hell yeah! Let's go make us lots of money! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MTAC - DAY ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I've been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction. MCGEE: You're getting in the way. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Excuse me, Agent McGee? MCGEE: We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing. He's risking his life. And your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent! MCGEE: That is not true. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) That's what you told me. MCGEE: Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffrey White is still with him. So Jeffrey White, technically, is with an NCIS agent. And therefore, technically is still in custody. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off. MCGEE: Yes, Ma'am. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) And what, exactly, did Agent Gibbs tell you to say to me? MCGEE: He told me to tell you to... stick it. ELLIOT: (ON MONITOR) You're telling me to... MCGEE: Stick it! Thank you, Ms. Deputy Secretary of State. Our conversation is now over. (END TRANSMISSION) (APPLAUSE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (GIBBS AND KATE APPROACH THE CABIN) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CABIN - DAY (SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) KATE: Clear. GIBBS: Clear! KATE: We're too late. GIBBS: Search it. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Special Agent McGee speaking. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, McGee. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes, Boss? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I want you to run...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ...the phone records for a land line at the cabin. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) On it. Oh, and uh... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) ...Boss, I told her. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Deputy Secretary of State. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah? How did it work? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) McGee! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Good job! (SFX: DIAL TONE) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) KATE: (V.O.) Gibbs! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BATHROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND GIBBS LOOK AT THE BLOODY CLOTH) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. CABIN - DAY (GIBBS UNCOVERS THE MOTORCYCLE) KATE: Over here! GIBBS: Throat's slashed to the spine. KATE: Lane Harrison didn't kill those two guys in Seattle. GIBBS: Jeffrey White did it. KATE: Tony has no idea who he's with, Gibbs. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. CABIN - DAY DUCKY: Wasn't much of a struggle. Only these abrasions on his cheek. The head was grabbed from behind and immobilized. And with the other hand... GIBBS: Came around and cut across the throat. DUCKY: From the look of things he was experienced in this manner of execution, Jethro. KATE: We think he's responsible for three of the murders. Same M.O. DUCKY: And Tony's with the b*st*rd? Is he aware? KATE: Probably not. We have to think Tony didn't know anything about this. He would have never allowed it to happen. DUCKY: Unless... GIBBS: We checked the rest of the area. No other bodies. Tony's still alive. (PHONE RINGS) DUCKY: (READS) "Lynchburg across from Wal-Mart." Mean anything? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I do not have a VW! MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Still getting the calls...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ...Huh, Boss? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What do you got, McGee? MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, I have the local... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ...Message units dialed from the cabin. Nothing there. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Long distance? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) The exchange has mechanical switches, so it's going to take some time. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) They may be headed to Lynchburg to make the sale. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I need the location of all Wal-Marts in the area. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Fast! (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) On it! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY (CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: What are we doing? JEFFREY: We're pulling over. TONY: But we don't want Lane showing up first. We should get to the buyer. JEFFREY: We've got time. I'm going to take a little nap. TONY: Do you want me to drive while you sleep? JEFFREY: You think we ought to keep moving? TONY: I do. JEFFREY: You got my back, Tony? TONY: You know it. JEFFREY: You know, it feelslike I've been running my whole life just to get to this moment. Finally doing something right. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Found the Wal-Mart! There's a storage facility across the street with conex boxes in the parking lot. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CABIN - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Call the local LEOs. Make sure they understand there's a federal agent working under cover. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) You got it! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STORAGE FACILITY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS CUT OPEN LOCKED CONEX BOXES) (DOORS OPEN) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Nothing in the conex boxes.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What about the long distance records on the cabin? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Working on it, Boss. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Work faster. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: It was a misdirect. He knew that we would search the body. KATE: What do we do? (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) GIBBS: God. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, McGee! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Listen up! MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Boss, it's only been like ten seconds. I know I'm good but I'm not that... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Good. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I just had a hang-up. Check the last incoming call on my cell... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ...and have Abby run a ... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... GPS location. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) This isn't about the VW, is it? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) No! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) It's where DiNozzo is.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) It's Lane Harrison's cell phone. (ON CAMERA) Highway Fourteen just past Newport News, Virginia.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Stay on the phone and guide us there! (SFX: KATE SHRIEKS) ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Are you all right? KATE: Gibbs is driving. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I'm sending a prayer in many languages.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TONY'S CAR - MOVING JEFFREY: How are we doing? TONY: You scared the hell out of me. JEFFREY: That's part of my charm. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GIBBS' CAR - MOVING (PHONE RINGS) KATE: Tony. GIBBS: Tony. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: He's coming down Fourteenth, headed for the west side. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TONY'S CAR - MOVING JEFFREY: Take a right. (CELL PHONE BEEP TONE) TONY: What the hell is that? JEFFREY: It's in my bag. I thought I turned it off. (SFX: CELL PHONE BEEP TONE) TONY: Battery's dead. JEFFREY: Well turn it off. They can trace a cell phone.(SFX: CELL PHONE BEEP TONE) TONY: Off. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: I lost the signal! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TONY'S CAR - PARKED JEFFREY: Nine three oh six eight five seven. That's her. History of the world in a box. TONY: I don't see Lane. JEFFREY: I always wanted to scuba dive. I'm going to scuba dive. What do you think of that? TONY: Well, you can't swim, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: There's that, yeah. But you can teach me. (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP B.G.) JEFFREY: That's him. Now you're going to watch my back. I'm going to go get the cash. Then we're going to get out of here. You ready? TONY: I want you to listen to me, Jeffrey. JEFFREY: Okay. TONY: I'm a Federal agent. JEFFREY: (LAUGHS) Good one, Tony. TONY: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. JEFFREY: Don't say that. TONY: I wish I didn't have to. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GIBBS' CAR - MOVING KATE: I need the long distance numbers from the cabin, McGee! MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) Working on them! GIBBS: I never lost an agent undercover, Kate. I am not about to let DiNozzo screw that up. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. TONY'S CAR - DAY (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: Everyone's going to know you wanted to turn yourself in, that you drove me here voluntarily. You testify against Lane, they're going to cut you a deal. JEFFREY: What do I do? TONY: Okay, you sit tight. I'll arrest the buyer. Then we call my boss and he'll pick us up. JEFFREY: Okay. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) One call. Doctor Haru Owagawa. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GIBBS' CAR - MOVING MCGEE: (ON MONITOR) PhD in Art History at G.W. KATE: That's got to be the buyer. We need a GPS location on his cell. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Twelve blocks from your location. Head due west. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TONY'S CAR - DAY JEFFREY: I know you don't have any backup, Tony. TONY: How do you know that, Jeffrey? JEFFREY: I thought you might be a cop. That's why we took that swim in the stream. That's why I crashed the truck. No bugs. TONY: There's a reason Lane isn't here, isn't there? JEFFREY: You're having naughty thoughts, Tony. Just so you know... when I said no one ever treated me like you did, I meant that. TONY: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PARKING LOT - DAY (SFX: TIRES SCREECH /CARS BRAKE TO A STOP) KATE: Step away from your car! Hands in the air! (GIBBS MOVES TOWARD TONY'S CAR) (CAR DOOR OPENS) TONY: I really liked him. GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. (MUSIC OVER ENDING CREDITS AND OUT)

Plan: A: Tony; Q: Who goes undercover as an escaped prisoner? A: stolen Iraqi antiques; Q: What is the convict Tony is accompanying supposed to know about? A: the GPS locator; Q: What is no longer working? A: Abby; Q: Who placed the GPS locator on Tony? A: a murderer; Q: What is the convict Tony is accompanying? A: blood; Q: What is on the hands of the convict Tony is with? A: the team; Q: Who realizes Tony's life may be in danger? A: time; Q: What are the team racing against? A: the office; Q: Where is McGee? A: McGee; Q: Who has to deal with the intrusions of the Deputy Secretary of State? Summary: Tony goes undercover as an escaped prisoner. He is tasked with sticking to a convict who has information about stolen Iraqi antiques. During the investigation, Tony disappears, and the GPS locator that Abby placed on him is no longer working. After some startling discoveries in the case including information that the convict Tony is accompanying may in fact be a murderer with blood on his hands, the team realize that Tony's life may be in danger and race against time to find him before it's too late. Back at the office, McGee has to deal with the intrusions of the Deputy Secretary of State.

EXT. Daytime Lisbon and Jane enter the garden, Cho is already on site Cho: Victim's Noah Valiquette. 32. Lives a few blocks away. The local P.D. says a clown shot him, cut off his finger. (A stretcher passes next to the small group, Jane takes the opportunity to look at the mutilated hand protruding from the sheet covering the body) Lisbon: A clown? Which finger? Cho: Right index. Lisbon: Any witnesses? Cho: Yeah, the, uh, convenience store owner heard the shot, caught a glimpse of the suspect taking off. Now I'm thinking that shooter forced him into the alley, killed him in there. Jane: Did the killer take the finger with him? Cho: Looks that way. Jane (examining his own hand): Uses for a detached index finger... Lisbon: Sending a message? Jane: Hmm. Un policier en uniforme: You from CBI? Lisbon: Agent Teresa Lisbon. This is Patrick Jane. Uniformed Policeman (Ellis Hindon): Ellis Hindon. Glad your office is close. This is a little out of our league. We tried not to screw it up. Preserved the crime scene, canvassed the area for witnesses and put out a description of the attacker. Lisbon: It sounds like you guys know what you're doing. Why call us? Ellis Hindon: This is who we picked up off the description. (Dozens of clowns dressed from head to foot in the street, waiting to be questioned by police) Jane (smiling): They're all crying on the inside. [ CREDITS ] (Clowns everywhere) Clown with green wig: There was this casting notice online. Said they were holding auditions today for a circus movie shooting in Solano County. They were looking for clown talent, specified we should come in costume. Van Pelt: Was there a name on the ad? Contact information? Un clown a perruque verte fluo: No, just the address and time. What's your name again? Van Pelt: Van Pelt. Clown with green wig: Well, Miss Van P. (pulls out a red paper heart from Van Pelt's jacket pocket) What's this? You've got my heart in your pocket. Van Pelt: Thanks for your time. (Van Pelt walks over to Lisbon) Van Pelt: I hate clowns. Lisbon: Get in line. Same story? Van Pelt: They all said they were here for an audition.. Lisbon: Keep up the interviews. Get a solid I. D. on every one of these guys, and then go back to the office and see if you can trace whoever placed the ad. Van Pelt: Okay. (Beckoning a clown) You. Come here (Lisbon joins Jane who had moved away) Lisbon: Where have you been? Jane (biting into a red apple): Farmers' Market. Delicious apples, if you like that kind of thing. Keeping the clowns, are you? Lisbon: If the shooter's here, I don't want him slipping away. Jane: Too late. He's slipped. These ones are just a smoke screen. I mean, why else would he place the ad? But it's a lovely day, if you want to waste your time talking to clowns. Lisbon: Uh, we have to. Maybe Bozo made a mistake and got caught here with the rest of 'em. Jane: You know, I knew a clown once. Catastropho was his name. A card thrower. He could stick the ace of clubs into a melon at 50 feet. Noah Valiquette: We need to talk to the victim's wife. Jane: 50 feet. Pshoo! Wow. INT. Valiquette's apartment (a young woman, and Lisbon on a sofa, a man on a chair) DVD on the TV: "Noah Valiquette: If the zeta-function is defined, for all complex numbers where "s" does not equal 1, then we can Daphne Valiquette: To your audience, honey. Look at me. Talk to me. Noah Valiquette: I know you're just trying to help, Daph. Daphne Valiquette: Tell me more about the zeta-whatever. You can do it. Noah Valiquette: I'm just not cut out for this. Daphne Valiquette: You're doing fine. Noah Valiquette: I'm sorry." Daphne Valiquette (stops the video): We made this about two years ago, just before we got married. Noah was trying to get a tenured teaching position. Lisbon: How'd that work out for him? Daphne Valiquette: Not so good. He has trouble addressing crowds. Man on chair (Raphe Valiquette): My brother was, uh, a mathematical genius. You know, he finished High School at 15, got his first degree in, like... two years, but he wasn't good with people. Daphne Valiquette: He was good with me. Jane (reading the title of a book on a coffee table): "Selected issues in the fourth order differential equations." I guess that was Noah's. Daphne Valiquette: Yeah. Jane: And, uh, "Love's Tender Passion." Yours? Daphne Valiquette: Go ahead and make fun. Jane: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. Daphne Valiquette: No, it's okay. I didn't, I get it. I know how it looks. I'm no brainiac, and if you met him, you'd probably think Noah was king of the geeks. What can I say? I always had a thing for the smart guys. My girlfriends thought I was crazy. But when he opened up, Noah had a beautiful soul. And I was good for him. I helped him with the world. Lisbon: What did he do for a living? Raphe Valiquette: Oh, he, uh, published a few papers in mathematical journals, which, uh... well, obviously, do not pay much. Daphne Valiquette: But he was gonna do fine. I mean, he was always discovering, what do you call 'em? Proofs... And, um, inventing stuff. But one day it would've paid off. I know it would. Lisbon: And in the meantime? Daphne Valiquette: Um, we pretty much lived on my waitressing. I think that bothered Noah, because he, um, said he wanted to help out more. Uh, he started day-trading a few months back, but... don't think it went so well. Lisbon: Why is that? Daphne Valiquette: I don't know. He wouldn't talk about it. Raphe Valiquette: Daphne, he never talked about anything. Lisbon: Well, where was he going this morning? Daphne Valiquette: Oh, um, a coffee place downtown. Ariel's. Um, he spent most days there on his laptop, um, doing his day-trading stuff. He said he liked the background frequency. Jane (to Raphe): What's going on with you? I mean, you couldn't sit down. You can't stand still. Guilty conscience? Raphe Valiquette: No. I... My little brother just died. And he was terrified of clowns, so whoever did this was sick. Lisbon: Did you know about Noah's thing with clowns? Daphne Valiquette: Yeah, uh, Noah had his quirks. Lisbon: Mm. And for the record, where were you this morning at 7:30? Daphne Valiquette: Uh, I was here, asleep. I worked a late shift last night. Lisbon: And you? Raphe Valiquette: Uh, in my car, on the way to work. Jane: Tough game Noah had going here. He... wasn't playing either of you? Daphne Valiquette: No. Jane: Who did he play with? Daphne Valiquette: Uh, mostly one guy. Uh, Tolman Bunting. INT. CBI office (Rigsby on telephone) Rigsby: Tolman Bunting. He runs a store called "The Puzzle Nook" not too far from the Valiquettes'. Phone records show a lot of calls between the store and the house. EXT. Lisbon (on phone): We'll go and talk to him. How's it going with the clowns? Rigsby: Kenmore P. D. found a clown's outfit on the side of the road about 3 miles from the crime scene. No trace of D. N.A., though. Lisbon: Well, we'll put the clowns aside for now then, but keep the files nearby, in case we need to go back to them. Rigsby: Okay, boss. You got it. In a shop (Lisbon, Jane, Tolman Bunting, Annika) Tolman Bunting: Noah's mind was exquisite. A few years ago, I published a book of number puzzles, and, uh, shortly after, Noah e-mailed me. He'd, uh, he'd solved all the puzzles, of course, but he had also found a few logical flaws in two of them. That's when I realized that I had to have a person of his intellectualcaliber in my orbit. Mm, soon after that, we started playing a regular game of chess. Lisbon: How often did you see him? Tolman Bunting: Mm... once a month, I'd say, but we, uh, we'd play on the Internet or on the phone, and... (to Jane who plays with a Chinese puzzle) Uh, I think you'll, uh, you'll like that one. It's rather tricky. Jane: Doesn't this just kinda go like that... Around there... that goes around there... over there like that, and... that's it, right? Tolman Bunting (blown by Jane's speed): Very good. Yes. Jane: Hmm. That was fun. (reorders the puzzle and places it back) Lisbon: Uh, do you know anybody who was angry with Noah or maybe somebody who's held a grudge up against him? Tolman Bunting: No, no, not at... all, but, see, Noah was a bit oblivious to people's feelings, so sometimes that would come across as rude. But he's honestly the, the, the gentlest person that you can imagine. I, I, I can't fathom anyone wanting to kill Noah. Lisbon: Were you aware that he was coulrophobic? That means that he was afraid of... Tolman Bunting: Fear of clowns. No, not at all. Lisbon: You sure? Tolman Bunting: Quite. Lisbon: Where were you this morning at 7:30? Tolman Bunting: I was out for a run. Jane: Was this the game that you were playing with Noah? Tolman Bunting: As a matter of fact, it was. Jane: Hmm. Yeah, I think he might have had you. Tolman Bunting: You play? Jane: Oh... a little. Tolman Bunting: We should have a game sometime. Jane: That works. I'll open with pawn to C4. Tolman Bunting: Pawn to E6. Jane: Knight to F3. Tolman Bunting: Pawn to D5. Jane: Declining the gambit. Interesting. Pawn to D4. Tolman Bunting: Oh, really? Jane: Scout's honor. Lisbon: Hmm. Could we get back to the interview, please? Tolman Bunting: Of course. My apologies. You're gonna regret that open. Jane: We'll see. Lisbon: Did you notice anything unusual in Noah's behavior recently? Tolman Bunting: No. There, there was one thing. When we, uh, when we actually started that game, Noah was quite intent on betting, which he had never done before. Lisbon: Did you take the bet? Tolman Bunting: No, I like my money too much. (to Jane) You sure you want to stick with that open? Jane: Why not? Tolman Bunting: Knight to F6. Jane: Knight to C3. Tolman Bunting: Bishop... to E7. Jane: Hmm. Your funeral. Lisbon: Thank you for your time. Jane: Thank you. Tolman Bunting: Thank you for stopping by. Jane: By the way, bishop... G5. Mind your Queen. (Lisbon and Jane exit the shop) CBI building, night (Jane lying on the sofa) Cho (to Jane): Hey, you got a message from somebody named Tolman. "King side Castle." Jane (moves the pieces on a chessboard placed on the edge of his desk): Ahh. As he leans toward his doom. Chess, the game of kings. Cho: Kings with too much time on their hands. Van Pelt: Hey, boss? Lisbon: What's up? Van Pelt: Noah Valiquette's wife said that he was bringing in money by day-trading, right? Lisbon: That's right. Van Pelt: Well, they had a little money in the bank, but I checked his Web browser history. There isn't a single trade, so I ran his social, but he's never even owned a stock. Lisbon: What was he doing then? Van Pelt: I can't tell. There's a lot of files that seem like random numbers and letters. Every week, he e-mailed a bunch of them to the same address, "Beastslayer 949". Lisbon: Contact Noah's I. S.P. Make them tell you who Beastslayer is. Rigsby: Hey, boss? Daphne Valiquette on 2. She sounds freaked. Lisbon: Daphne? Daphne Valiquette: You have to come. There's somebody inside my house. EXT. Night. (Lisbon, Cho, Van Pelt, arrive at the Valiquette house) Daphne Valiquette (outside her home): I, I called as soon as I saw the door. Lisbon: It's all right. Just take it easy. Daphne Valiquette: I just, I was gone less than an hour. I should've called the police, I know. Um, I, I wasn't thinking. Cho: How many entrances besides the front? Daphne Valiquette: Uh, just the back door. Cho: Got it. Lisbon: You guys take the front. Daphne Valiquette: Ohh. Van Pelt: Somebody forced it open. (They enter the house, in complete darkness, armed and with flashlights) Cho: Kitchen's clear. Rigsby: Bathroom's clear! Van Pelt: Living room's clear. Cho: Bedroom's clear. Hey, guys, you need to see this. Lisbon (lights up the room, revealing a mess): Whoa. Somebody really wanted something. Van Pelt: Safe in the floor. That's pretty old-school. Rigsby: That's a high-end sensor lock. It's gonna be tough to bust into. Cho: I'll call tech services, tell 'em we need a locksmith. Lisbon: Uh, don't bother. (looks under the bed) I found the key. Rigsby: No, this type of safe doesn't use a key. Lisbon: Oh, yes, it does. (finger on the trunk in order to read the print, the trunk is unlocked) Van Pelt: Mm. Lisbon: Bag it. (gives it to Van Pelt who takes it on a crumpled piece of paper) Van Pelt: Oh. Ew. Day. Jane arrives the Valiquette home (he spots a kettle in the kitchen window...) (Lisbon, Daphne in the living room) Daphne Valiquette: You're telling me that somebody killed my husband and cut off his finger to get into some safe? Lisbon: Yes, and this is all we found in there, a chessboard, a comic book and some papers. Have you ever seen this stuff before? Daphne Valiquette: No. Lisbon: Did Noah ever mention the safe? Daphne Valiquette: No. Never. We, this was his house before we got married. I just moved my stuff in. Maybe you can tell, volunteering information wasn't Noah's strong suit. Lisbon: Well, we think whatever the killer was looking for wasn't in the safe. That's why they ripped up the rest of the house. {his phone rings) Would you excuse me? Daphne Valiquette: Yeah. Lisbon (answering the call, stands up and walks away): Lisbon. (In the kitchen, Jane pours hot water into a cup, looks around the kitchen, noses into cupboards) Lisbon: Jane! (Jane goes into the bedroom, where Lisbon called him from) Cho got in touch with Valiquette's I. S.P. "Beastslayer 949" is Alec Mosca. He lives 15 miles away. Cho and Rigsby are on their way now. Jane: Splendid. Lisbon (joining Daphne in the lounge with Jane): Did Noah have any other hiding places? Daphne Valiquette: Maybe. Yeah, sure. I don't know. I mean, I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I mean, how many secrets did he keep? Why, why put all this junk into a safe? Jane: Well, it's not all junk. This is a "Spider-man" 46. In this issue, he takes on the Shocker. It's very good. Worth a pretty penny. But what I find is interesting, is that the chess set that your husband has set up on the table is expensive, and this one, on the other hand, is made in China, not so expensive. So one has to wonder why he had the cheapo set hidden away so carefully, unless... (shaking the pieces one after the other) There's something inside. Locker key. Locker 42. I wonder where that is. In a city center building (Rigsby and Cho) Rigsby: It's this one? Cho: Yep. Alec Mosca: Yeah? Cho: Alec Mosca? Alec Mosca: Why? Who are you? Cho: Agents Cho and Rigsby, CBI. Please open the door. Alec Mosca: Who? Rigsby: CBI, sir. Let us in. Alec Mosca: Uh... sure. CBI, no problem. Uh, look, I'm in my skivvies, so, uh, give me a second to get presentable, all right? Cho: Think he's gonna put his pant on before he hits the window? Rigsby: No, I do not. Cho: Mr. Mosca! (Rigsby shoulder's down the door, they enter Mosca's apartment) Cho: Let me see your hands! Get away from the window! Let me see your hands! Alec Mosca: All right! Okay. No problem. You see that? There's $14,000 in it. Take that to Mike. Tell him I'm good for the rest. On my sister-in-law's grave, I swear! Rigsby: What the hell are you talking about? Alec Mosca: Mike sent you, right? To collect on the Boston-Philly bet? Oh, crap. Cho: Face the wall. Put your hands on your head. Alec Mosca: Who are you guys? Rigsby: Remember the badge? CBI. Alec Mosca: What the hell is that? Cho: California Bureau of Investigation. Alec Mosca: What the hell is that? Cho: We're like the FBI, only more conveniently located. (They handcuff Mosca) INT. CBI office (Cho and Mosca in an interrogation room) Cho (to an agent that was watching Mosca before he arrived): Thanks. Alec Mosca: Let me say I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding at my door. I had no idea you were cops. Cho: We showed you our badges and identified ourselves. Alec Mosca: You never watch movies? That's how the bad guys do it. Cho: No, it's not. Sit down. How do you know Noah Valiquette? Alec Mosca: Coffeehouse. Uh, Noah likes Vienna Roast. I'm partial to the Sumatran blend. Cho: Mm-hmm. Is that what he's e-mailing you about, coffee orders? You should tell the truth, Mr. Mosca. It's easier to remember. Alec Mosca: This is how it is. I occasionally place a wager. Cho: Meaning you're a degenerate gambler? Alec Mosca: Yeah, okay. A couple months back, I'm in the coffeehouse going through my picks when Noah asks what I'm doing. Long story short, he says he can give me "rational analysis" on the odds. So I threw him a couple games. Bing, bing, bing, they all came through. That caught my eye, so we made a deal. He gave me picks. I gave him 10% of the winnings. Cho: These don't look like picks. Alec Mosca: Noah said he had to send them in code. Don't ask me. Just who he was. Cho: When did the arrangement go South? Alec Mosca: Who said it did? Cho: You did. You've been nervous ever since I mentioned his name. Alec Mosca: From three weeks back every one of Noah's calls is a bust Guy couldn't pick a bear to crap in the woods. I asked him what was going on. All he'd say was he had a problem, couldn't focus. Cho: That must have made you angry. Alec Mosca: You think? He's got a problem? I'm the one bleeding money. But anything that you might have heard about angry words between us bears no relation to deeds carried out. I never touched the guy. Lisbon's Office (Lisbon, Rigsby, Jane lying on the couch) Rigsby: Mosca's got two arrests for assault. I could see him going after Noah. Lisbon: In a bar fight, maybe. Not in a clown suit. Jane: The question is, why did Noah's picks go sour? Rigsby: Anybody can have a bad run. Jane: But Noah wasn't anybody. I mean, a day here, a day there. But three weeks? Rigsby: According to Mosca, he had a problem. He couldn't focus. Troubles at home maybe? Lisbon: That doesn't sound like the kind of pblem he'd even notice. It must have been some kind of intellectual challenge. Jane: Agreed. But who could present that kind of intellectual challenge, that kind of... puzzle, eh? In Tolman Bunting's shop (Tolman, Jane, Lisbon, Annika) Tolman Bunting: Oh, Mr. Jane. Did you, um, did you come here to concede the game? Jane: Not at all. Bishop takes E7. Tolman Bunting: Interesting. Lisbon: What problem was Noah Valiquette working on for you? Tolman Bunting: I don't know what you're talking about Noah and I played chess. Jane: Liar. Tolman Bunting: I am not a liar. Jane: What makes you think I can't tell when someone is lying? Lisbon: Jane. Jane: Huh? Enough, Mr. Tolman. Start talking the truth or I'm gonna pop ya. (Jane, left hand in his jacket pocket, threatening Tolman as if he had a gun in the pocket) Annika (Jane threatening his weapon): Don't even think about it. Lisbon (threatening to turn his weapon on Annika): Put the gun down. Put it down. Jane: It's soft. It's just a hand. There's, there's nothing there. Just a, just a hand. We're good. Tolman Bunting: Annika, put the gun down. Lisbon: Why do you have an armed bodyguard, Mr. Bunting? Tolman Bunting: Why don't we, um, step into my office? Okay? Tolman leads them into the back of the shop (A room full of computer screens, people working) Jane: Sweet. Tolman Bunting: Do you understand how important puzzles and codes are to you agents? They protect your e-mails. They stop credit card fraud. Puzzle making and breaking is the preeminent security issue of our day, and I run a consulting firm that deals specifically with those issues. Jane: Who do you work for? Tolman Bunting: We're not prejudiced. Whoever needs us. Jane: What was Noah doing for you? Tolman Bunting: That's delicate. Lisbon: Mr. Bunting, unless you give us your full cooperation, I'll have the CBI computer crimes unit in this office in an hour. Tolman Bunting: I was grooming Noah for a, uh, pet project, something special. Lisbon: What for? Tolman Bunting: A device that could decipher virtually any encrypted information. Jane: The universal hack. Tolman Bunting: Well, that's the crude way of calling it. I identified three people that I thought could pull it off, and Noah was one of them. I offered each one of them $2 million. Last week, Noah called me and told me that he had built the device but that he wasn't going to give it to me. Jane: Why? Tolman Bunting: He said he had second thoughts. He was worried about the device falling into the wrong hands. Jane: And that doesn't worry you? Tolman Bunting: I'm a businessman, not a moralist. Jane: Hmm. Kind of annoying, though, Noah holding out on you like that. Tolman Bunting: Not really. You see, I decided that Noah didn't really build the device, that he couldn't, and he was embarrassed by his failures. Jane: What if he had built a device? What would you do to get your hands on it? Tolman Bunting: Anything... Short of killing him, of course. Lisbon: Mm. Jane: 'Cause I found a locker key at Noah's house, very well-hidden, a locker 42.. Tolman Bunting: Interesting. Do you have any idea where that locker is? Lisbon: We're looking. Tolman Bunting: Well, if you find it, you must let me know, because that device is mine. Jane: Not yet. You haven't paid for it. Tolman Bunting: I have a handful of lawyers looking into it. Oh, Mr. Jane, before I forget, Queen to E7. Taking your bishop. Jane: Hmm. Lisbon: We're gonna need to talk to the other people that you're working on this project with. Tolman Bunting: Fine. No problem. There's an Alex Kromm who lives in Amsterdam, and then the, uh, third person is local, a Oliver McDaniel. But I doubt that he killed Noah. Lisbon: Why? [SCENE_BREAK] Clark Mental Health Institute (Un gardien ouvre une porte grillagée au passage d'un jeune homme encadré de deux surveillants, referme la porte, une autre s'ouvre, se referme apres leur passage, un gardien ouvre la cellule C41, avec une clé magnétique) (Le jeune homme assis sur son lit mangeant une une boite de "Spagetti, Meat Balls" a meme la boite, Lisbon and Jane dans la cellule avec lui) (A guard opens a door. A young man flanked by two guards. Closes the door, another opens, closes after their passing, a guard opens the C41 cell, with a magnetic key) (Young man sitting on a bed eating a box of "Spagetti, Meat Balls". Lisbon and Jane in the cell with him) Lisbon: Oliver Simon McDaniel. Your file says that you finished college at 16, graduate school at 19, and you were sent here after nearly choking your father to death. Oliver Simon McDaniel: He's not my father. He's a cyber clone sent by the galactic quantum lords. Jane: Oh, them. You know, they're always up to something Shady. Oliver Simon McDaniel: Yes. They're trying to drive me mad. But they won't succeed. Lisbon: Have you heard about Noah? Oliver Simon McDaniel: I did. Sad. Can you do a shiatsu massage? Lisbon: No Oliver Simon McDaniel: Shame. I'm tight. So tight. And my skin is just so dry and flaky. Lisbon: Uh-huh. The visitor log says that Noah was the only person who came to see you. How did you know him? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Um, grad school. I felt sorry for him. He was a little off. My guess was radiation. How did he die? Jane: Gunshot wound, which, uh, suggests it wasn't the quantum lords that killed him. [b]Oliver Simon McDaniel: Duh. They'd use a lorax beam. Why would they want to kill Noah anyway? Big wuss. Jane: Quite. His killer wore a clown costume. Any ideas who that might have been? Assuming, of course, that it is a carbon-based life-form. Oliver Simon McDaniel: Nuh-unh, but the clown thing's clever. Noah hated them. Lisbon: We understand that you were working on a problem for Tolman Bunting? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Yeah. My doctors wanted to nix it, but I convinced them it was good therapy. (to Jane, who presses the ON button. Sounds of birds and sea) Don't touch that! Jane: Hmm. Lisbon: Did you know that Noah was working on one for him, too? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Which makes him a big-ass hypocrite. Lisbon: Why is that? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Well, back in grad school, we got offered a gig writing code for some defense contractor. Noah passed. Said he didn't want to do anything that could harm someone, like this thing for Tolman is any better! You could destroy the world, practically, if you wanted to. Jane: Noah may well have completed that project. Yeah. How are you doing with it? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Fine. Jane: So not even close. Oliver Simon McDaniel: I could gouge your eyes out with a spoon. Jane: I'll take a rain check on that. It appears Noah may have hidden the device in a locker that this key belongs to. Do you have any idea where that locker could be? Oliver Simon McDaniel: Sir, I'm a mental patient. I don't know anything. Nobody does. But see, I know I don't know. Paradox. Interview over. Jane: Yes, it is. Lisbon: Thank you. In the corridors of the mental hospital (Lisbon and Jane) Lisbon: It's funny how well you two get along. Jane: Well, I have the same kind of trouble with those pesky quantum lords. Noah's ethics should have prevented him from taking on the project in the first place. But he took it on. Why? Lisbon: Noah loved puzzles. Maybe he couldn't resist the challenge. Jane: Well, the's plenty of those to choose from. Thanks. Lisbon: Uh, the prospect of lots and lots of money? Jane: That's a boring motive. Lisbon: Well, it's still pretty popular. An audible alarm starts: "Inmate escape. Inmate escape" Lisbon (retracing his steps running toward Simon Oliver McDaniel's cell): Open that now! (Jane follows the running too, they arrive in the cell, the door is open) Jane: Oh! Alert the quantum lords. oup, oup, oup, oup, oup, oup, oup, oup CBI Offices, Jane before his chessboard (Jane, Lisbon, Cho, Rigsby ) Lisbon: Have the Kenmore police put out an A. P.B. And get me everything you canon Oliver McDaniel. Thanks. Rigsby: I'm impressed. Oliver made his own key pass using information stolen from one of the guards. He trips the alarm to create a distraction, then hides in the guards' locker room. Lisbon: The last place they'd search. Cho: Turns out this isn't the first departure. Multiple exits unaccounted for stretching back more than a month. Lisbon: Hospital security didn't flag this? Cho: Exits came up under the guard's name, nothing out of the ordinary. Lisbon: So Oliver could come and go whenever he wanted. Cho: Here's the kicker, he was gone for four hours around the time of Noah's murder. Lisbon: Bumps him up the suspect list. Rigsby: There's one thing I don't get. Why leave now? Why not stick to your routine and slip out at night? Lisbon: Because he was going after the device. He must have figured out where it was when he saw the locker key, would have done anything to get his hands on it. Did you talk to Tolman Bunting? Cho: He had no idea wher Oliver could be headed. Lisbon: If Oliver leaves a trail, it's not gonna be his. Check the guard's name and run his credit cards. The security pass may not be the only thing Oliver copied. Rigsby: Okay, you got it. Jane: Hey, Grace. Van Pelt (at his desk on the computer): Hey. Jane: Um, if I wanted to go away by the ocean, you know, somewhere close, kind of a resort-type thing... Van Pelt: Spa treatments? Jane: Yeah. Yeah, that kind of thing, exactly. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Um, is there any places that you'd recommend? Van Pelt: I'm kind of busy here, Jane. Jane: Well, can't you just look it up on your computer? It'll take, like, ten seconds. Van Pelt: Why don't you do it yourself? Jane: I'll get you a nougat bar from the, uh, machine over there. Van Pelt: Give me five minutes. Jane: You are the Queen of my heart, Grace. Van Pelt: Mm-hmm. I'll wait here. INT. lobby of a luxury hotel (Jane enters) Jane (to the hotel porter): Thank you. Hotel Porter: Welcome to Tidewater, Sir. Jane: Oh, thank you. Very, uh, lovely place. Hotel Porter: We like to think so. Is there something I can help you with? Jane: Uh, yes, there is. Um, how is your staff at procuring, uh, things for guests? Hotel Porter: Um, what do you mean? Jane: You know, special things. Hotel Porter: If it's company you're looking for... Jane: No, it's, uh, it's not company I'm looking for. But thank you, if you're offering company... Gary. Lisbon's office at CBI (Lisbon working on her computer) Rigsby (entering the office): Got a hit on the guard's credit card. Somebody used it to buy a ticket to Brazil departing out of S. F.O. In an hour. Lisbon: Tell the airport police we're on our way. Rigsby: You got it. (Rigsby leaves the office, Lisbon too, her phone rings) Lisbon: What, Jane? Jane (in front of a window overlooking a white sand beach): What's up, Lisbon? Lisbon: Oh, nothing much. Might make a run to the San Francisco airport to pick up Oliver McDaniel. Jane: Huh. Well, you may want to rethink that. In a dining room overlooking a beach (Jane sat at a table, a cocktail in hand, Lisbon arrives) Lisbon: Where is he? Jane: Hey. Isn't this lovely? Smell of the ocean air, sand beneath your feet. You know, we should move our offices here. Lisbon: Oliver, Jane, where is he? Jane: You'd be so much happier, do wonders for your stress levels. Lisbon: He's ticketed on a flight to Brazil. Cho and Rigsby are on their way to the airport now. So... Jane: Oliver has been in an insane asylum for about six months. He asked you for a massage. He's in need of a little pampering. The flight's a misdirect. Lisbon: How can you be so sure? Jane: The sound machine in his bedroom was tuned in to the ocean. That, and the fact that room 6-4-4 has already ordered six cans of spaghettio's from the concierge. You can't arrest him yet. Lisbon: Yes, I can. Jane: No, you can't. He escaped because he knows the location of the device, and if we follow him, he will lead us right to it. Lisbon: I don't care about the device. Jane: You don't care about a code-breaking device that could hack into our government's national security system? That's not very patriotic, Lisbon. Pina Colada? EXT. Day - a street (Lisbon and Jane stakeout in a car) Jane (his cell in his hand): Rook to B8? Poor, deluded fool. Bunting will be resigned before lunch, the way he's playing. Lisbon: Great. Jane: Bishop... To C4. Uh-huh. Lisbon (Oliver Simon McDaniel comes out of the building): There he is. (on walkie-talkie) Cho, we have a visual. We'll take point. You and Rigsby hang back. On the pier from the beach, Pacific Park, tables, games, mechanical clairvoyant (Lisbon, Jane) Jane (playing with children and giant soap bubbles): Ooh! (Oliver Simon McDaniel, walking quietly) Lisbon (walkie-talkie): He's headed in now. Let's see where he's going. Jane (still playing): Whoa! Whoa! Lisbon (beckons Jane): Come on! Lisbon and Jane follow Oliver at a distance (Oliver is attacked by a person wearing a cap) Lisbon: Who was that? Rigsby: I don't know. Lisbon: Watch Oliver. Cho, come on. Rigsby: Need a paramedic at the pier. (Lisbon and Cho go into a room, the person wearing the cap is in the process of forcing a wall safe) Cho: CBI. Don't move! (A pursuit arises inside the room and on the pier. Jane enters the room, a trunk is open) Jane: 42. (The chase continues under the pier) Cho: Don't move! Lisbon (removing the cap from the person): Mister Bunting? Jane (still in the room): 4 and 2. Yeah. (opens a chest containing Noah's decoder) Premises of the CBI (Lisbon and Tolman in an interrogation room) Lisbon: Nice work, tailing us to the pier. But I guess for a guy who's after the universal hack, listening in on police radios is no big thing. Tolman: It was, uh, an unseasonably warm day. I wanted to cool off by the water. It was pure coincidence that drew me there. Lisbon: This isn't funny, Mr. Bunting. You're in trouble. Tolman: Hmm. Lisbon: We've got a big handful of felonies for what you did at the pier today, and we are this close to nailing you for the murder of Noah Valiquette. Tolman: Really? Lisbon: Really. The clown costume, the ad, sounds like the work of a man who likes to play games, doesn't it? Rigsby (entering the room unannounced): Hey, boss. A. G.'s on the phone, says it's urgent. Tolman: Oh, uh, do me a favor and, uh, send my best to the Attorney General. And tell Mr. Jane Queen to D8. Queen to D8! Thank you. (Cho and Oliver in an interrogation room) Cho: You knew where Noah hid the device. How? Oliver: In grad school, Noah and I would go to the pier. Noah liked the rides. I liked the beach, all those young women in wet bathing suits. I knew Noah hid the device there as soon as I saw that key. Cho: So you decided to escape and get it for yourself. Oliver: I wanted the money. There's an intergalactic war coming. Cho: Yes, I'm aware. Oliver: Mm. Cho: But if you take the device to Tolman, you know we're waiting for you in the lobby. Oliver: Well, I wanted the device so I could see how it worked. After that, I could make my own, sell 'em wherever, have enough money to build my bunker. Cho: Now the hospital security logs have you out have you out the morning of Noah's murder. War preparations? Oliver: No, man. Breakfast at my favorite strip club. They have an open buffet, all you can eat. Cho: And Noah's killer planned an elaborate diversion to get away from the crime scene, like your ticket to Brazil stunt. Oliver: I wasn't aware it was a crime to be intelligent, Agent Cho. CBI Corridors (Lisbon, Jane, a cup of tea in hand) Lisbon: The A. G. insists I let Bunting go, drop all charges. The man must have serious juice. Jane: Well, it stands to reason. He knows where the skeletons are buried. Lisbon: I don't know what to do. How do you build a case against a guy like this? Jane: Oh... it's not so hard. (Cho and Oliver) Oliver: Talk to the girls at the strip club. Someone's gotta remember I was there. Jane (entering the room): He speaks the truth, Cho. Oliver here would have trouble killing a light beer... Much less Noah Valiquette. Oliver: That's not accurate. I could mess you up badly if I wanted to. Jane: But you don't want to. Before we let you walk out the door, I need a favor. Oliver: Not a chance. Jane: Consider it. It'll give you the chance to work with this, and then when you're done, a little gift from the planetary league. (Jane leaves the decoder, spaghetti and meatballs box!) Hmm? Tolman's Office (Tolman, Jane) Jane: Rook takes F6. Your very friendly assistant let me in. Tolman: Rook takes F6. King to G8. What are you doing here? Jane: I came by to see if Noah's doohickey here, actually works. Tolman: That's it? Jane: Yes. Tolman: So he did build it. Jane: Yes, and I'm here to return it... For $2 million, of course. Tolman: You expect me to pay you? Jane: Well, not me, no, but its rightful owners. Uh, have you met Noah's wife Daphne and brother Rafe? Legally, Noah's propertyis passed on to Daphne, including this. Have either of you ever seen this before? Daphne Valiquette: No. Rafe Valiquette: What is it? Jane: Uh, it's a code-breaking device designed by Noah for Mr. Bunting, uh, in return for $2 million your $2 million. Daphne Valiquette: Oh, my God. Jane: I'm sure a cashier's check will be fine, Mr. Bunting. Rafe Valiquette: Yes. Tolman: Uh, I think we first have to make sure that this thing works. That was part of our arrangement. Jane: As you wish. Tolman: Hmm. Whoa. Okay, we're gonna need an encrypted file. Jane: Oh, how about Agent Lisbon's personnel file? Lisbon: No. Jane: I happen to have it on disk right here. Lisbon: No! Jane: It has some great photos. Lisbon: Fine. (Tolman makes the connections) Jane: It seems to be working here. Tolman: Mm. Rafe Valiquette: What does that mean? Tolman: It means that it's not working. It seems Noah was unable to complete the project. I am sorry, Mrs. Valiquette. Jane: He needed more time. Raphe Valiquette: Wait. How do we know it doesn't work? Maybe he's playing us, trying to save himself a couple million. Tolman: Don't be absurd. Why wouldn't I want this to work? Daphne Valiquette (after having tinkered with the decoder): Try it again, 'cause my husband's a genius. It has to work. Tolman: I'm afraid your, um, husband's genius had its limitations. Jane: Humor us. Tolman: Okay, fine. Rafe Valiquette: What's happening? Tolman: It's working. It's working! On the screen: "MY WIFE KILLED ME MY WIFE KILLED ME MY WIFE KILLED ME" Daphne Valiquette: What? Rafe Valiquette: What the hell? Daphne Valiquette: Turn it off. Turn it off! Turn it off! Tolman: No, wait. Jane: It's right, isn't it? Daphne Valiquette: Of course not. Jane: You said you didn't know anything about the device. You were lying. Daphne Valiquette: No. Wha, Jane: I had Oliver change the settings so it wouldn't work. But you knew how to change them back. You watched Noah work. You knew that he decided not to give it to Tolman for any price. So you did what you felt you had to... (Flashback: Daphne disguising herself as a clown) you played on his fear. You'd take the device and turn it in to Tolman yourself. All you had to do was open the safe. The problem, it wasn't in the safe. Daphne Valiquette: That movie with the crazy math guy and the woman who loves him, yeah, I thought Noah and me would be like that. CBI Building (Jane, Daphne Valiquette, Rigsby, in an interrogation room) Jane: Hmm. "Love's Tender Passion." Daphne Valiquette: Yeah, you go ahead and make fun. Life with Noah was nothing like that. It was silence, days of it, and books I could never understand the title of, and no s*x when he's thinking, which, by the way, is all the time. I work 50 hours a week scrounging for tips just so we could have food. Anyway, so then Noah told me about this guy who would pay him $2 million to build this thing, $2 million. I begged him, and finally he said he would do it, which was only right because it was his turn. Jane: But he wouldn't hand it over, and you couldn't live with that. Daphne Valiquette: You're, okay. He said it was too dangerous. I tried to make him, but he said that... He said I wasn't able to understand the implications. So I decided to show him I could be smart, too. Jane: Mm-hmm. Or a whole lot dumber. I'm, I'm not sure which. Rigsby: Get up. Come on. Hands behind your back. (Rigsby handcuffs Daphne, Jane leaves the room, Lisbon calls) Lisbon: What put you on to her? Jane: Well, I came to it very late. I could have kicked myself. The kitchen of her house was left unsearched because that was her domain. She knew the device wasn't there. Tolman: Oh, Mr. Jane. Perfect timing. Pawn to F4. (Tolman is in front of the chessboard in Jane's office) Jane: Shrewd. But I gather you're here for more than just to pin my Queen. Tolman: Yes. Actually, I came here to collect my property. Given Daphne's condition, ownership of the device goes to Noah's brother. But when I contacted Rafe, he wanted nothing to do with it. So according to my attorneys, that passes the device... to me. I have all the legal documents here. If you have any questions, you can... Jane (gets briefcase out of his desk drawer): No need, no need. It's all yours. All yours. Uh, I hope you don't mind, I did have a little fiddle with it. (Jane gives him the briefcase) I just wanted to see how it worked. Tolman: Ohh. What did you... (all pieces are disconnected) Jane: Easily fixed, I'd imagine. Tolman: Easily? Jane: Oh? Uh, what's that? (he finds another piece in his drawer) That may be part of it. Tolman Bunting (slumped): You are gonna be hearing from my attorney. Jane: Tolman, one last thing, Bishop... C4. Forced mate in three moves. I win. Come and take a closer look. You'll see it. (Tolman leaves the office briefcase of spare parts in hand) We should do this again!

Plan: A: CBI; Q: What organization does Jane work for? A: Noah Valicat; Q: Who was murdered? A: a gun-wielding clown; Q: What was the murder weapon? A: a movie audition; Q: Why were there so many clowns at the CBI? A: Rafe; Q: Who is Noah's brother? A: a mathematical genius; Q: What was Noah's profession? A: a day trader; Q: What was Noah's job? A: Daphne's waitress salary; Q: What was the only income the Valicat's had? A: Tolman Bunting; Q: Who was Noah playing chess with? A: a store selling puzzles; Q: What kind of store does Tolman Bunting run? A: a verbal chess game; Q: What kind of chess game did Jane and Bunting play? A: "BeastSlayer; Q: Who was Noah Valicat sending files to? A: a panicked Daphne; Q: Who calls Lisbon to say someone is in her house? A: The CBI team; Q: Who arrives at Daphne's house after she calls Lisbon? A: the house; Q: What was ransacked? A: the carpet; Q: What was ripped back to reveal a high-tech floor safe? A: Noah's missing finger; Q: What was found under the bed? A: 42; Q: What is the number on the locker key? A: the neatly organized kitchen; Q: Where does Jane make himself tea? A: Alec Mosca; Q: Who is BeastSlayer? A: 10 percent; Q: What percentage of the profits did Noah get for his analysis? A: debt; Q: What was Mosca in? A: computer geeks; Q: What type of people did Bunting secretly employ? A: a computer security business; Q: What kind of business does Bunting secretly run? A: three people; Q: How many people did Noah offer $2 million to build the universal hack? A: Three weeks ago; Q: When did Noah tell Bunting he had finished the universal hack? A: the wrong hands; Q: Noah was worried about the universal hack falling into what? A: Amsterdam; Q: Where is one of the people building a device? A: Oliver McDaniel; Q: Who is a patient in a secure mental hospital? A: a tin can; Q: What did McDaniel eat his spaghetti and meatballs from? A: a duplicate pass-key; Q: What did Jane use to escape from the mental hospital? A: a ruse; Q: What did Jane see McDaniel's escape to Brazil as? A: a seaside resort - McDaniel's choice; Q: Where does Jane go to find McDaniel? A: a hooded man; Q: Who knocks out McDaniel? A: a locker room; Q: Where did the CBI team chase Bunting? A: the hooded man - Bunting; Q: Who was the hooded man? A: a strip club's buffet; Q: Where was Oliver McDaniel during Noah's murder? A: his contacts; Q: What did Bunting use to get the charges dropped? A: the Attorney General; Q: Who orders Lisbon to drop the charges? A: the Valicat house; Q: Where does Jane meet Daphne, Rafe and Bunting with the universal hack machine? A: the universal hack machine - Bunting; Q: Who wanted the universal hack machine? A: Daphne flicks; Q: Who flicks the switch on the universal hack machine? A: the screen; Q: What does Jane find the message on? A: the wealth; Q: What did Daphne want? A: the (fake) break-in; Q: What was the break-in at Daphne's house? A: her domain; Q: What did Jane say the kitchen was? A: CBI headquarters Bunting; Q: Where does Bunting take possession of the device? A: legal action; Q: What does Bunting threaten to take against Jane? Summary: Jane and the CBI team investigate the death of Noah Valicat, murdered by a gun-wielding clown who cuts off the victim's right index finger. The CBI has to process scores of clowns, there for a movie audition. Lisbon and Jane interview the victim's brother Rafe and his widow Daphne. Noah was a mathematical genius, but a poor one, who had recently started using his skills to work as a day trader . He always hoped that one of his home-inventions would prove successful; meanwhile they barely survived on Daphne's waitress salary. Jane sees an unfinished chess game in progress - Noah was playing with chess with Tolman Bunting who runs a store selling puzzles. Jane and Bunting begin a verbal chess game with no board or pieces. Van Pelt finds that Noah's day-trader job was fictitious, instead finding files of seemingly random numbers and letters routinely e-mailed to "BeastSlayer". Lisbon is phoned by a panicked Daphne saying someone is in her house. The CBI team arrives. No one is inside but the house has been ransacked and the carpet in the bedroom has been ripped back to reveal a high-tech floor safe, which Daphne says she did not know about. Lisbon finds the safe's key under the bed: Noah's missing finger. Looking through the safe's contents, Jane finds a locker key marked 42. Jane makes himself tea in the neatly organized kitchen. "BeastSlayer" is Alec Mosca who says Noah offered to give analysis on his bets for a 10 percent cut which proved profitable for them both, but that lately his analyses were all wrong, angering Mosca who is now seriously in debt. Lisbon and Jane discover that Bunting is secretly employing computer geeks in a computer security business. Bunting says Noah was working on a "universal hack", a priceless device capable of decoding any encryption. He offered three people $2 million for whoever could do it first. Three weeks ago Noah called and said he'd done it but worried about it falling into the wrong hands. Bunting did not believe him. Jane tells him about the locker key. One of the other people building a device is in Amsterdam, the other is Oliver McDaniel who is a patient in a secure mental hospital. As Lisbon and Jane interview him, McDaniel eats spaghetti and meatballs from a tin can, and seems uninterested in the universal hack device and the locker key that Jane shows him. Jane learns that McDaniel's music player plays soothing ocean sounds. As soon as Lisbon and Jane leave, Noah escapes using a duplicate pass-key made long before which he has been using to come and go as he pleases. Jane spots McDaniel's escape to Brazil as a ruse and instead goes to a seaside resort - McDaniel's choice of "music" inferred it and he ordered tins of spaghetti and meatballs. As the CBI team follows McDaniel a hooded man knocks him out. The team chases him into (and out of) a locker room, McDaniel's destination. They arrest the hooded man - Bunting. Jane recovers the universal hack device from the locker that is 4 rows across and 2 down. McDaniel says that during Noah's murder he was at a strip club's buffet. Bunting uses his contacts and the Attorney General orders Lisbon to drop the charges. Jane meets Daphne, Rafe and Bunting at the Valicat house with the universal hack machine - Bunting wants it but Jane says Daphne, as the widow, is the owner. The machine does not work until Daphne flicks a switch. Text appears on the screen, scrolling: "My wife killed me." Daphne admits murdering Noah because her life was lonely and a drudge. She wanted the wealth the universal hack would provide but Noah hid it. She knew about the safe and how to open it (Noah's finger) but the device was not in there. Jane tells Lisbon he figured out it was her as the kitchen was unsearched during the (fake) break-in because it was her domain - she knew it was not in the kitchen. At CBI headquarters Bunting takes possession of the device. Jane apologises that he had "a little fiddle with it" - now it is nothing more than a collection of useless loose parts. Threatening legal action Bunting is about to stalk out when Jane finishes their chess game, by winning.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order? Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o'clock and order the same exact thing, and it's now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging? Penny: Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger. Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend? Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I'm sorry, I'm actually pretty busy this weekend. Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today. Amy: That's too bad. I was hoping you could be my plus-one at the Institute of Interdisciplinary Studies' symposium on the impact of current scientific research on societal interactions. Penny: The what? Leonard: It's an annual science conference. We've all been invited to speak. Penny: Oh. Oh, okay, well, you know, like I said, I have plans, so. Amy: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity. Penny: I'm your best friend? Amy: Don't you read my blog? Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him. Amy: Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all-expense-paid spa weekend at a four-star resort in Big Sur? Penny: No, I really, I'm sorry, free what? Sorry, what, what? Leonard: I think her weekend just opened up. Penny: Wait, wait, just to be clear, when you guys say spa, does that mean the same thing as when regular people say it? Leonard: Pretty much. Except we keep our shirts on in the sauna. Penny: You know, it is going to be difficult, but I'm going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie. Amy: Please don't touch my breasts. Penny: I, I wasn't going to. Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries. Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages. Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat. Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle. Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness." Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing. Sheldon: You lied to me? Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone's attention, please? I know we're all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I'm sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it's just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we're off. Leonard: Don't worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers. Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don't think so. You've had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn't until the Denny's located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises. Sheldon: All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny. Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded. Penny: Yay! Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild. Penny: Brawny? Leonard: They're bigger than mine. Scene: Leonard's car. Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised. Howard (voice): Fine. Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now? Sheldon: It's eleven fifteen. I'm requesting your quarter-hourly location update. Howard: Still right behind you. Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger. Penny: So, Amy, I've been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room? Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well. Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone's toilet routine. Leonard: I can vouch for that. Penny: Hey. Leonard: Not you, him. Penny: Oh. Thanks. Leonard: Although yours was an eye-opener. Amy: Don't worry, Penny. You're my plus-one. You'll bunk with me. And FYI, travel makes me constipated, so I'm the ideal hotel roommate. Penny: Terrific. Are we there yet? Scene: Bernadette's car. Bernadette: I hope we get there in time to see the keynote address. Howard: Really? You want to see the keynote? Bernadette: Yeah, it sounds fun. Super bacteria: global apocalypse or exciting research opportunity? Howard: Actually, I was thinking we could go straight to the room and take a nap. Bernadette: Really? And miss the keynote? Howard: We can watch it later on C-SPAN. Besides, I was really looking forward to you and me napping together in the hotel. Bernadette: Well honey, if you're that tired, why don't you just take a nap here in the car? Howard: No, see, it's not... Bernadette: Hang on. It's Leonard. Hi, Leonard. Leonard (voice): Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means s*x. Bernadette: Oh. Thank you, Raj. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series? Sheldon: No. Amy? Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature? Sheldon: No. Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series? Sheldon: Amy, it's Penny's turn. Penny? Penny: Uh, I don't know. Are you food? Sheldon: That's not apropos. We've already established I'm found in the periodic table. Penny: Well, it's a table, right? I mean, why can't there be food on it? Sheldon: I knew she wasn't lead car material. Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God? Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It's not technically Road Trip God, it's Travel Supervisor. Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it. Penny: I don't understand why you people just let him bully you like this. Someone should stand up to him. What's he going to do? Scene: Bernadette's car. Penny: I can't believe you let him kick me out of the car. Howard: What could we do? He's the Travel Supervisor. Bernadette: Don't worry, Penny. This is a better car anyway. Howard: Yeah. It's the Love Car. Penny: Should I ask? Bernadette (singing): They say we're young and we don't know, we won't find out until we grow. Howard (singing): Well, I don't know if all that's true, 'cause you got me, and, baby, I got you. Together (singing): Babe, mm da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe, da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe... Penny: Red Leader, I'm really sorry. Scene: The hotel. Howard and Bernadette (singing): I got you, babe. Amy: I missed you. Penny: You know what? I missed you, too. Very tall and powerfully built man: Bernadette? Bernadette: Oh, my God, Glenn! Glenn: Great to see you! Bernadette: Are you here for the conference? Glenn: Yeah, I'm doing a global warming panel. Bernadette: Oh, good for you. Uh, Glenn, this is my boyfriend Howard. Glenn: Oh. Nice to meet you. Howard: Hi. Ow. Hi. Glenn: You're a lucky man. Bernie's a great gal. Howard: Yes. Bernie sure is. Glenn: Well, I got to run. The panel's tomorrow morning. It's called, Remembering Snow: A Look Back. Bernadette: I'll try to catch it. Glenn: Oh, great. Bye. Bernadette: Bye. Howard: Hey, Bernie? Bernadette: Yeah? Howard: Please tell me he's your gay cousin. Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college. Howard: Oh! That's a relief. Bernadette: Then we went out for a year. Come on, let's check in, so we can take that nap. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, it's not necessarily proportional. Shut up! Scene: Howard's hotel room. Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper's. Here's an extra five. Make him wait. Oh. Right to the nap, huh? Okay? Uh, so, this Glenn guy. You say you went out with him for, like, a year. Bernadette: Do we really need to talk about my old boyfriend now? Howard: No. I guess not. What is he, like, six-four, six-five? Bernadette: Six-seven. Howard: Probably has a hard time finding a suit that fits. Bernadette: Is something bothering you? Howard: No. It's just... Bernadette: What? Howard: I'm just thinking. If you had s*x with that guy, I mean, there's nothing I can do here that will make any kind of impact. Bernadette: Howard, it's not a contest. I love you. I want to be with you. Howard: Yeah, great, love you, too, but, if it were a contest, I wouldn't have a chance, right? Bernadette: You can't think that way. Howard: Yep. Loser. Bernadette: Howard, stop it. Howard: Sorry. I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that. Bernadette: Wait a minute, a girl like me? What's that mean? Howard: I'm... I... Bernadette: Are you saying you don't think I'm hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn? Howard: No! No, I'm saying exactly the opposite. Bernadette: I'm too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn? Howard: Yeah, let's go with that. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Amy's hotel room. Amy (exiting bathroom): Still nothing. Remind me to try again in an hour. Penny: Will do. Amy: So, girl talk? Penny: Um, sure. What do you, what do you got in mind? Amy: Do you subscribe to the Freudian theory of pen1s envy? Penny: Um, I never really thought about it. Why? Amy: Sometimes I think it might be nice to have one. Penny: Really? Amy: Not for s*x, for convenience. You can't deny that, by comparison, our internal plumbing is extremely high maintenance. Penny: Again, I've never given it much thought. Amy: We have time now. Think about it. Penny (knock on door): Oh, good. Hey. Bernadette: Can I stay here tonight? Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened? Bernadette: Howard's a complete and total ass. Penny: Oh, yeah, that. Come on in. Bernadette: Thanks. I'll sleep on the floor. Amy: Not necessary. Penny and I are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed. Penny: We are? Amy: Of course, we're best friends. Penny: Oh, right, right, the blog. Amy: Word of warning, though. I'm prone to night terrors, so if I wake up kicking and screaming, don't panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair, and I'll be fine. Scene: Leonard's room. Penny: Hey, can I stay here tonight? Leonard: Shh-shh-shh-shh. Sheldon's asleep. What's going on? Penny: Well, Howard's a complete and total ass, Bernadette's in my bed, and no matter how much you stroke Amy's hair, she bites. Leonard: What? Penny: Never mind. Can I stay here or not? Leonard: Uh, sure. Penny: All right. Leonard: So, how do you wanna do this? Penny: Well, I'm not getting in bed with him. Leonard: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula's coffin. Penny: We're just gonna have to make the best of this. Leonard: Okay, when you say make the best of it. Penny: Sleep. Leonard: Right. So we'll just call the middle here the Neutral Zone. Penny: The what? Leonard: Star Trek. You know, the Neutral Zone between the Federation and the Romulan Empire. Penny: Oh, okay. Just like old times. Leonard: Of course, sometimes the Federation and the Romulans would enter the Neutral Zone to negotiate a temporary truce. Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you'll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up. Leonard: Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know? Penny: Go to sleep. Leonard: Good night. Sheldon: Please tell me you're not having coitus. Penny: We are not having coitus. Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night? Penny: Yes. Leonard: No. Scene: Raj's room. TV Announcer: Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones's Diary. Raj: Oh, my God, I'm crying already. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight. Raj: Why? Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard. Raj: Okay. Come on in. Scene: Leonard's room. Penny: Leonard, are you asleep? Leonard: No. Penny: I really appreciate you letting me stay here tonight. Leonard: Sure, no problem. Penny: I know it's kinda weird. Leonard: True dat. Penny: True dat? Leonard: I've gotten a lot more street since we broke up. Penny: Right. Still mad at me about that? Leonard: No. No, I understand. I got too intense, you had to back off. Penny: Thank you. Leonard: I've gotten a lot better at that, you know. I've dated four different women since we broke up and I didn't tell any of them that I loved them and wanted to have their babies. Penny: Good for you. Leonard: Okay, good night. Penny: Good night. You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world to violate the Neutral Zone for just one night. Oh! Raj: Hey, Leonard, Sheldon kicked me out of the room, gave me your key. Leonard: Penny's here. (Raj whispers to him) No, we don't want to watch Bridget Jones's Diary! Scene: A conference room. Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we'll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science's responsibility to society? Bernadette: Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It's not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one. Howard: Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry. Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants. Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I'd like to weigh in. Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation? Raj: Certainly. I'd like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass. Leonard: I'd like to kick your little brown ass. Raj: What did I do? Leonard: Oh, I don't know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed. Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones. Penny (voice): We weren't getting back together! It was a one-time thing! Sheldon: Excuse me. We're not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet. Penny(voice): Oh, shut up, Sheldon! Amy: Hi, bestie. Penny(voice): Yeah, hi. Sheldon: All right, why don't we see if we can bring this back to topic. Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie. Sheldon: I guess not. Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie? Bernadette: Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic. Howard: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie? Raj: I'd like to weigh in here. No. Sheldon: All right, why don't we open it up to Q&A from the audience? Penny (voice): Yeah, I have a question. Is there anybody who can get me the hell out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight? Glenn (voice): I'm driving back to L.A. tonight. Bernadette: Um, Penny, that's Glenn. Glenn, that's Penny. Leonard: No! Scene: Bernadette's car. Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye, a nonferrous metal. (Howard throws walkie-talkie out of window) Scene: Leonard's car. Sheldon: Must be out of range. Amy: Leonard, can I ask you a question? Leonard: Sure. Amy: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life? Leonard: No. Why do you ask? Amy: Because we're going 120 miles per hour. Sheldon: All right, if no one's going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.

Plan: A: Penny; Q: Who asks for a ride back to Los Angeles? A: a science conference; Q: What is the group attending in Big Sur? A: Howard meets Glenn; Q: Who does Howard meet? A: a large handsome man; Q: What is Glenn? A: anger Bernadette; Q: Who does Howard's insecurities anger? A: the next day's; Q: What day's science panel was a series of personal recriminations? A: Sheldon's surprise; Q: What was Sheldon's reaction to the panel? A: track; Q: What does Sheldon try to get the panel back on? A: questions; Q: What does Sheldon ask for from the audience? A: a lift; Q: What does Glenn offer Penny? A: Leonard; Q: Who objects to Penny riding back to Los Angeles with Glenn? A: a foul mood; Q: What mood is Sheldon in? Summary: Amy asks Penny to join the group at a science conference in Big Sur. Things go fairly well until Howard meets Glenn, a large handsome man that Bernadette used to date. Howard's insecurities anger Bernadette, setting off a chain reaction of bed swapping that causes the next day's science panel to become a series of personal recriminations, much to Sheldon's surprise. He tries to get the panel back on track by asking for questions from the audience, but the only question is from Penny for a ride back to Los Angeles. When Glenn offers to give her a lift, Leonard instantly objects. When the group drives back home (without Penny), everyone except Sheldon is in a foul mood.

ACT ONE Scene One - KACL The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier: [on air] Well, I think we have time for one last call, who's up next, Roz? Roz: We have Elliot, on line three. Frasier: Hello, Elliot. I'm listening. Elliot: [v.o. He sounds like a thirteen year old] Well, you see Dr. Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman... Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you? Elliot: Forty-three. Frasier: Forty-three? Elliot: Yes. Frasier: Now tell. Let's be truthful. Elliot: I'm forty-three. Frasier: Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems. Elliot: Hey, I'm forty-three, I was born in New Providence, and I have a very young-sounding voice that people make fun of all the time! Frasier: [contrite] Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me. Elliot: Hah! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus! On the other end we hear Elliot and a group of boys laughing. Frasier: Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time. [off-air] Roz, can't you keep these pimply- faced little maggots off the air?! [on air] Well, that's our show for today. This is Dr. Crane signing off and wishing you good mental health. He goes off the air and exits through Roz's booth. Frasier: Have a good weekend, Roz. Roz: Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest answer. Frasier: No, that outfit does not make you look fat. Roz: Well, that wasn't the question. But why would you think it was? Frasier: Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with "I want an honest answer," that's usually the question. Roz: Well, I'm not that insecure. Frasier: Good. I'm sorry, you were right. Your question, please. Roz: Would you say the back of my head is unattractive? Frasier: Roz, have you completely lost your mind? Roz: No, I'm serious. You know how I have season tickets to the Seahawks games? Well, there's this really cute guy who sits right behind me, and a few weeks ago we said "Hi" and we smiled at each other, but so far he hasn't asked me out yet. So I was thinking there was something, you know, weird about the back of my head. Frasier: Roz, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked you out. Roz: [sarcastic] Thank you, that makes me feel much better. Frasier: No, no, maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship, maybe he's gay. Or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a football game and not cruise for chicks. Roz: ...Okay, you're right. I'm being ridiculous. Frasier: Of course you are. See you Monday. Roz: All right. [sits back down] Before he leaves, however, Frasier can't help staring at the back of her head. She catches him. Roz: I saw that! [he runs out of the booth, she chases him to get his opinion] Wait! [SCENE_BREAK] HEIR TO THE THRONE Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. He is sitting at the table whilst Eddie stares at him. Frasier: You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it... [takes a bite out of scone] Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum... Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face... As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here... [he goes back to reading his paper, but soon crumbles under Eddie's unrelenting stare] Oh, all right, here! Get fat! He gives the rest of the scone to Eddie, who runs off with it. Martin enters. Martin: Ah, got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch. Frasier: I am not. Martin: Well, he never begs while I'm eating. Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating. Martin: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle. Daphne enters from her bedroom, putting on her coat. Daphne: Eddie?! Let's go for another walk. Martin: I thought you already walked him this morning? Daphne: I did, twice. Martin: He's gotta go again? Daphne: No, actually I do! [she catches herself as Martin and Frasier give her sharp looks] That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie. [pulls his leash, Eddie doesn't want to move] He's just playing hard to get. Frasier: I'm glad somebody is. Daphne and Eddie leave. Martin: Hey Frasier, how about fixing that toilet of yours? It keeps running all the time, the noise is driving me crazy. Frasier: All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber. Martin: What do you mean, "Call a plumber?" You've got two hands, fix it yourself. The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it. Frasier: Dad, I am a doctor. I have more important things to do with my life than to fix a toilet. He opens the door to Niles, who enters. Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage. Frasier: Fabulous! Martin: Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist cancelled on me. Frasier: Dad, you will not do it yourself. Martin: I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here. Frasier: Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here... He opens a drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit. It's like a Swiss Army knife, but has pliers, allan keys, etc. instead of blades. Very useful when it's in the glove compartment of your car, but you try using it to remove the battery strap when you're stuck in the middle of nowhere! Frasier: See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer. Niles: Is that turquoise inlay? Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx. Niles: Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't... Frasier: Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me... They argue like this for a few seconds, until: Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless. [exits] Niles: [examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester! Frasier: Yes... You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet, just to prove Dad wrong. Niles: Frasier, when a man is born with superior genes, the last challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how to use one. Frasier: Yes, but we-we've conquered the intellectual world, but in the world of nuts and bolts we're at the mercy of tradesmen. Niles: You're serious? Frasier: Yes! We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves. It would be good practical experience, and it would shut Dad up. Niles: We'll show him! We're made of tougher stuff than he thinks! Frasier: Exactly. Niles: And it's early. We can let the Eucalyptus wrap be our reward. [SCENE_BREAK] IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT... Scene Three - Frasier's bathroom. As you'd expect, it's the height of good taste. Frasier is pondering a ball-cock while reading a "How to do it" manual, as Niles phones Maris. (Of course Frasier has a phone in his bathroom!) Niles: [on phone] Maris. I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours. Frasier and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home repair. Yes, I'm working with my hands... Yes, I've worked up a bit of a sweat... I suppose I could take my shirt off. Frasier: Niles, what are you doing? Niles: She seems to be getting aroused at my attempt at manual labor. [on phone] Maris? I'm holding some sort of wrench... Frasier: [taking phone] Give me that! [on phone] Hello, Maris? Maris, Niles is busy now... No, never mind what I'm wearing. [hangs up] May we continue, please? Niles: Fine. All right. [starts reading out instructions] "Take the ball-cock assembly, thread it through the tank hole." Frasier: Done. Niles: "And fasten it under the tank with a lock-nut." Frasier: Yes, very well, lock-nut. You see Niles, until today, you didn't even know what a locknut was. Niles: That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch. Frasier: You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all toward that simple, yet extraordinary goal. [replaces the tank lid] All right... we are ready to flush. The brothers stand, and shake hands. Niles: Here's to what the Crane brothers can accomplish when they put their minds to it. Flush away. Frasier flushes the toilet. Frasier: It's working! Oh my God, it's working. Look, it's draining out of the tank, into the bowl... Niles: It's filling the bowl, and then the tank - oh, I've seen it a million times, but never has it meant so much! Frasier: It's glorious. Niles: Frasier? Shouldn't it be stopping now? Frasier: One would think so, yes. The bowl overflows. The Crane boys panic. Frasier retreats while Niles perches on the step of the bathtub. Niles: Ohh, ohh! Frasier: Ohh! [referring to instructions] Look it up. What does it say to do now? Niles: [flipping rapidly] It says - oh, it says nothing! Where are all your Amish friends now?! [SCENE_BREAK] THE CIRCLE OF LIFE Scene Four - Living Room Niles hands Frasier a glass of wine. Niles: The plumber's been called, the wine is properly chilled, suddenly my world makes sense again. Frasier: We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain. Now it's Montrachet time. Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves. Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things. Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy. Frasier: [raises his glass] To the circle of life. They clink glasses. The doorbell bing-bongs as Martin enters. Frasier: That must be the plumber. Martin: Well, are you going to answer that, or are you going to hire somebody to do that for you too? Frasier: Dad, we tried, okay? The doorbell bing-bongs again. Daphne enters from the hallway carrying a mop and wearing long yellow rubber gloves. She's obviously been cleaning up the mess in the toilet. Daphne: Oh please, I wasn't doing anything. Let me get it. She answers the door to the plumber, Danny. Danny: Somebody call for a plumber? Daphne: Not nearly soon enough. Martin: Follow me. [he and Danny exit to toilet] Daphne: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon. Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists. Daphne: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with. She exits to the toilet. Niles has suddenly become very agitated. Niles: Frasier, you've got to get him out of here. Frasier: What? Niles: That man is not fit to touch your toilet! Frasier: Niles, have you been self-medicating again? Niles: That was Danny Kreizel. Frasier: "Kreizel the Weasel?" How can you be sure, it's been twenty- five years. Niles: I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire childhood! Frasier: He certainly didn't recognize you just now. Niles: Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called it... a swirly. Frasier: Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Kreizel reign of terror. I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined spaces back to the time when his older brother Billy shoved me into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform! Niles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny you your pain. Frasier: Thank you. Niles: [back to his own pain] I can still hear the laughter, and Kreizel's mocking voice as he'd hoist me over the bowl. "Hold your breath, Jocko!" Then the crowd would start its awful chant. "There goes Crane, Down the Drain!" [starts to bow over the armchair] "There goes Crane, Down the..." Frasier: NILES! Niles, get a hold of yourself! Stop it! Stop, stop. It's all right. You're no longer an awkward teenager, you're a renowned psychiatrist. Danny Kreizel may have won a battle or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked. You won the war. You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"? Niles: It's a wonderful expression. Just don't know how true it is. Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well." Frasier: All right, Niles. [heads into the kitchen] Niles: [follows him] "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke." Frasier: Oh, all right! CUT TO: Frasier's bathroom. Danny is fixing the toilet, Martin is keeping an eye on his work. Martin: That's a new part, right? Danny: Yeah. Martin: 'Cause I'm sure you're charging me for a new part, so I wouldn't want you charging me for a used part. Danny: What are you, the plumbing police? Martin: [exiting] I'll be back. Niles enters. Niles: Don't mind me, just came in for some aspirin. Tannic acid gives me the tiniest headache. That's the price I pay for drinking nothing but expensive wine. Danny: [not reacting to jibe] Hey. [whistles to get Niles's attention] You got a real mess here. I'm gonna have to call the shop, have my partner bring out a whole lotta new parts. You're looking at two guys on golden time, is that okay with you? Niles: It's only money. Hmph... Danny: Say, uh, has somebody been trying to fix this thing? Niles: Not me. I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320. Danny: Boy, that's a nice car. Niles: Yes, I should say it is. Danny: Yeah, I had one for a while. But it was too small for the whole family, so we upgraded to the S class. Niles: You have the big Mercedes? Danny: Oh, yeah. And I gotta tell you, my 13 year-old's already got his eye on it. That's a great kid right there. Except he got in a fight at school the other day. He bows his head into the toilet. Niles: Oh, really? [reaches out to flush the toilet] With some small- boned child with superior language skills? Danny looks up, causing Niles to pull his hand away and act as though he were stretching. Danny: Nah. It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to steal his lunch money. Niles: Ah. Danny: Yeah. [bows his head in again] Niles: Well, there's nothing like a bully. He raises his foot to push Danny's head in, but Danny looks up again, causing Niles to grab his foot and flex his leg behind his back, again as if stretching. Danny: Well, I gotta tell you, I'd rather he'd be a bully than one of those wussy kids that always get picked on. You know the kind I'm talking about? Kids who are too gutless to fight back? Niles: You admire someone who fights back, do you? Danny: Well, sure. I mean, if you don't fight back, what are you? You're a wuss, you're a wimp, you're a... Frasier enters in time to stop Niles lunging at Danny. Danny doesn't notice. Frasier: STOP! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work! END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Living Room Niles angrily paces back and forth on the balcony. Each time he passes by Frasier's ficus tree, he swats it with his hand. Frasier stands inside, watching him. Daphne enters. Daphne: What's Dr. Crane doing? Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus. Daphne: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman. Niles's arm waving gets more extreme, until he's wildly flinging his arms about. Sensing something wrong, Frasier lets him in. Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch! Frasier: Niles, you've had a chance to cool off. Are you ready to talk about this now? Niles: No, I'm not ready yet. He goes into the kitchen. Frasier follows. Daphne looks through the telescope, searching the park for the man with the Labrador. Reset to: Kitchen. Frasier: Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet? Niles: [getting soda from fridge] You don't seem to understand, I feel this RAGE! It's as if this BEAST has been awakened within me! [he can't get the top off the bottle] Could you get that for me? He hands the bottle to Frasier, who easily opens it. Frasier: Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part of becoming a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world. Niles: That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom each other. Frasier: Don't you see? You have an opportunity with Danny that I never had with Billy. To confront him as a rational adult and achieve some closure. Niles: Easier said than done, Frasier. One look at that oafish face, those dead Kreizel eyes, and you see there is no chance for communication. Frasier: Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be. Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again. Frasier: No, you won't. You're not a child anymore. [taking Niles by the hand] Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom! Reset to: Bathroom Danny and his partner are still working on the toilet as Frasier and Niles enter. Niles: Excuse me sir, I'd like to have a word with you. Danny: Yeah, go ahead. Niles: I'd like to take you back in time to the 1970's. There was an intellectually gifted young student at John Adams Junior High. You took it upon yourself to terrorize that student, simply because he was different from you. I was that student. Danny: No kidding? Niles: I was hoping we could step into the living room and come to some sort of understanding. Danny: It's okay with me. Any room in the house is still fifty-nine bucks an hour. [drops a tool into his toolbox] I'll be right back, Billy. They leave. Frasier stays, the bile rising in his throat. Frasier: Billy? From beneath the toilet rises Danny's older, more heavyset brother Billy. Billy: Ah, that's my brother for ya. Always getting into stuff. But if you ask me, your friend over there is getting all worked up over nothing. Frasier: You think so, Billy? Billy: Kids pick on other kids, it's part of growing up. If anything, it made those weak kids tougher. Frasier: Really? Billy: Come on, you're a big guy. You must have been involved in some kinda stuff? Frasier: Oh, I was involved... For a moment Frasier wants to give in to his beast. Then he looks back toward the hallway, remembering his advice to Niles. Frasier: Billy, I would like to take you back in time... Billy: [stands] No. Let me take YOU back. I remember once, we jammed this poindexter into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform! [laughs] CUT TO: Living Room Niles is standing sideways, presenting his profile to Danny. Danny: No, I'm sorry. I just don't remember you. Niles: Well, perhaps you'll remember third period gym class. You used to make me wear my jockstrap like a tiara? Danny: Oh, yeah! Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attaché case? Niles: ...It was a valise. Danny: I remember you. Boy, those were some crazy times. You ever see any of the old gang? Niles: Look, you're missing the point. I was severely scarred by those experiences... Danny: Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is fifty- fifty. CUT TO: Bathroom Billy is still enjoying the trip down memory lane. Billy: He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it... [thinks] Frasier: [slapping a tube of toothpaste into his palm] A jet pack. Billy: [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all. CUT TO: Living Room Now Danny is seated on the couch while Niles is sitting on the edge of Martin's Chair. Niles: Well then, my next question to you would be "Why would you behave this way?" Danny: Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess because people thought it was funny. Niles: I see, I see. So then, to get this validation, you would, say, squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunch room? Danny: I did that to you? Niles: Yes. How does that make you feel? Danny: ...Well, kinda bad! Niles: The healing has begun! CUT TO: Bathroom. Billy: So, so in front of the whole bus, we pants him! He's yelling at us, [squeaky voice] "Gimme back my pants!" But - whoops! - they fell out the window! He laughs again. By now, Frasier is literally shaking with rage. CUT TO: Living Room. By this time, Danny is lying on the couch. Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced outbursts aimed at your father. Danny: [almost in tears] Yes. Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he? Danny: Oh, yes! Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out! Danny: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! [sits up] I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that. Niles: [puts his hand on Danny's shoulder] You were the best. CUT TO: bathroom Billy: Then we made him hula in his underwear in front of all the girls! [laughs and dips his head back in the toilet] You shoulda been there! Frasier: I WAS there! [lunges at Billy] CUT TO: Lounge area. Danny: Thanks. This has just been terrific for me. Niles: I can't take all the credit. Half the thanks belongs to my brother. He convinced me a civilized person can work anything out, as long as he approach it in a calm, rational manner. Frasier enters, running for his life. Frasier: Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose! Billy charges in, dripping wet and fit to kill. He chases Frasier out the front door. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Frasier's bathroom. Frasier and Eddie watch as Martin fixes the toilet. Martin: So you really shoved his head right in here? Frasier: I don't know, Dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess I just lost control. Martin: Bet it felt good though, didn't it? Frasier: No... it felt damn good. Martin: [laughs] Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago, you could have given him a much better swirly. These low-flow toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones. So what did he do to you? Frasier: He didn't have the nerve to do a thing. Martin: You paid him off, huh? Frasier: I've never written a check so quickly in my life. Martin: [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new. Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer? Martin: Oh yeah, sounds good. [gets up] Come on, Eddie. They start to leave. Eddie runs to the toilet and drinks from the bowl. Martin: Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there! He and Frasier laugh as they exit. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is using the telescope to search the park. She spots the guy with the Labrador and rushes round the apartment, looking for Eddie who is hiding. She decides to go to the park without him.

Plan: A: Martin; Q: Who bemoans his sons' rarefied tastes? A: the toilet; Q: What do the sons try to fix? A: the problem; Q: What did the sons make worse? A: Danny Kriezel; Q: Who is the plumber? A: John McGinley; Q: Who played Danny Kriezel? A: a bully; Q: What is Danny Kriezel? A: Niles; Q: Who did Danny Kriezel torment? Summary: After Martin bemoans his sons' rarefied tastes and avoidance of all that is ordinary, they try to prove him wrong by fixing the toilet; they make the problem worse, call in a plumber, and find that they have hired Danny Kriezel (John McGinley), a bully who tormented Niles long ago, and his brother, who bullied Frasier.

RECAP OF "THE TIME OF ANGELS" [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "Flesh and Stone" by Steven Moffatt Producer Tracie Simpson Director Adam Smith [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MAZE OF THE DEAD, AT THE BYSANTIUM Everyone recovers from the jump. AMY is sitting on the ground. DOCTOR: (stands) Up! Look up! RIVER: (to AMY) You OK? AMY: What happened? RIVER: We jumped. AMY: Jumped where? DOCTOR: Up, up, look up! AMY: Where are we? RIVER: Exactly where we were. AMY: No we're not. DOCTOR: Move your feet! (sonics an indentation on the floor) AMY: (looking around) Doctor, what am I looking at? Explain. DOCTOR: Oh, come on, Amy, think! The ship crashed with the power still on, yeah? So what else is still on? We see that they are standing on the bottom of the Bysantium. DOCTOR: The artificial gravity. One good jump, (jumps) and up we fell. Shot out the grav-globe to give us an updraft, and here we are! (returns to sonic the indentation) OCTAVIAN: Doctor. The statues, they look more like Angels now. DOCTOR: They're feeding on the radiation from the wreckage, draining all the power from the ship, restoring themselves. Within an hour, they'll be an army! The indentation opens up into the ship just as the lights start going out. DOCTOR: They're taking out the lights. Look at them, look at the Angels. Into the ship, now, quickly all of you! (slips into the hole) AMY: But how? Doctor! (peers into the hole to see the DOCTOR standing upright) INT. BYZANTIUM CORRIDOR: DOCTOR: It's just a corridor. The gravity orientates to the floor. Now, in here, all of you., don't take your eyes off the Angels. Move, move, move! (uses the screwdriver on a keypad) OCTAVIAN: OK, men, go, go, go! (joins the DOCTOR) The Angels, presumably they can jump up too? The door closes once everyone is inside. DOCTOR: They're here. Now. In the dark, we're finished. Run! A large door behind them closes, blocking their only escape. OCTAVIAN: This whole place is a death trap. DOCTOR: No, it's a time bomb. Well, it's a death trap and a time bomb. And now it's a dead end. Nobody panic. The Angels try to come in the exterior door. DOCTOR: Oh, just me then. What's through here? RIVER: Secondary flight deck. AMY: OK. so we've basically run up the inside of a chimney, yeah? So what if the gravity fails? RIVER begins to work on bypassing the power. DOCTOR: I've thought about that. AMY: And? DOCTOR: And we'll all plunge to our deaths. See. I've thought about it. The security protocols are still live. There's no way to override them, it's impossible. RIVER: How impossible? DOCTOR: Two minutes. The hum of the engines powers down and their way in has reopened and they can see the cavern outside. OCTAVIAN: The hull is breached and the power's failing. The lights go out. The arm of an Angel can be seen through the opening. CLERIC: Sir! Incoming! AMY: Doctor! Lights. The DOCTOR uses the sonic to help RIVER. The lights come on briefly and they see an Angel making its way inside. The lights go out again and come on brighter to show four Angels inside the corridor with them. OCTAVIAN: Clerics, keep watching them. DOCTOR: And don't look at their eyes. Anywhere else. Not the eyes. I've isolated the lighting grid. They can't drain the power now. OCTAVIAN: Good work, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. good. Good in many ways, good you like it so far... AMY: So far? DOCTOR: Well, there's only one way to open this door. I guess I'll need to route all the power in this section through the door control. OCTAVIAN: Good, fine, do it. DOCTOR: Including the lights. All of them. I'll need to turn out the lights. OCTAVIAN: How long for? DOCTOR: Fraction of a second, maybe longer. Maybe quite a bit longer. OCTAVIAN: Maybe? DOCTOR: I'm guessing. We're being attacked by statues in a crashed ship, there isn't a manual for this! AMY: Doctor, we lost the torches. We'll be in total darkness. DOCTOR: No other way. Bishop? OCTAVIAN: Dr Song, I've lost good Clerics today. You trust this man? RIVER: I absolutely trust him. OCTAVIAN: He's not some kind of madman then? RIVER: I absolutely trust him. DOCTOR: Excuse me. (goes back to work on the door) OCTAVIAN: I'm taking your word, because you're the only one who can manage this guy. But that only works so long as he doesn't know who you are. You cost me any more men, and I might just tell him. Understood? RIVER: Understood. OCTAVIAN: OK. Doctor, we've got your back. DOCTOR: Bless you. Bishop. OCTAVIAN: (to Clerics) Combat distance, ten feet. As soon as the lights go down, continuous fire. Full spread over the hostiles. Do not stop firing while the lights are out. Shot gun protocol, we don't have bullets to waste. DOCTOR: Amy, when the lights go down, the wheel should release. Spin it clockwise, four turns. AMY: Ten. DOCTOR: No, four, four turns. AMY: Yeah, four, I heard you. (takes position at the door) DOCTOR: Ready! (places sonic into the circuit) OCTAVIAN: On my count then. God be with us all. Three... two...one. (the lights go out) Fire! The clerics open fire on the Angels. The DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER try to get the door open. DOCTOR: Turn! RIVER: Doctor, quickly! AMY: It's opening, it's working. AMY and RIVER slip through the opening. OCTAVIAN: Fall back! The Clerics move through the doorway followed by OCTAVIAN and the DOCTOR. They move down a similar corridor to another door. The DOCTOR holds the door open with the sonic as the others go through. RIVER: Doctor, quickly. AMY: Doctor! The DOCTOR runs to join them as the door closes quickly behind him. INT. BYZANTIUM SECONDARY FLIGHT DECK The flight deck is in major disrepair with exposed wires all over the console. The DOCTOR immediately goes to one of the controls. AMY: Doctor! (the hatch lock spins shut and OCTAVIAN places a device on the door) What are you doing? OCTAVIAN: Magnetized the door. Nothing could turn that wheel now. DOCTOR: Yeah? The wheel begins to turn behind him. OCTAVIAN: Dear God! DOCTOR: Ah, now you're getting it! You've bought us time though, that's good. I am good with time. AMY: Doctor! (another door wheel is spinning) OCTAVIAN: Seal that door. Seal it now! A cleric places a magnetic device on the second door. RIVER: We're surrounded! The third door begins to spin open. OCTAVIAN: Seal it, seal that door. A second cleric places a device on the door. OCTAVIAN: Doctor, how long have we got? DOCTOR: Five minutes, max. AMY: Nine. DOCTOR: (looks at AMY) Five. AMY: Five, right yeah. DOCTOR: Why d'you say nine? AMY: I didn't. RIVER: We need another way out of here. OCTAVIAN: There isn't one. DOCTOR: Yeah, there is, course there is. This is a galaxy class ship, goes for years between planet-falls. So (snaps fingers) what do they need? RIVER: Of course. The DOCTOR snaps his fingers again. AMY: Of course, what? What do they need? OCTAVIAN: Can we get in there? DOCTOR: Well, it's a sealed unit, but they must have installed it somehow. This whole wall should slide up. (presses against the rear wall) There's clamps. Release the clamps! (uses the sonic on the clamps) AMY: What's through there? What do they need? RIVER: They need to breathe. The door slowly rises. The DOCTOR smiles and AMY is awestruck. AMY: But that's... That's a... The door opens fully and we see lush vegetation and trees. RIVER: It's an oxygen factory. AMY: It's a forest. RIVER: Yeah, it's a forest, it's an oxygen factory. DOCTOR: And, if we're lucky, an escape route. AMY: Eight. RIVER: What did you say? AMY: Nothing. DOCTOR: Is there another exit? Scan the architecture, we don't have time to get lost in there. OCTAVIAN: On it! (steps into forest) Stay where you are until I've checked the Rad levels. AMY: But trees! On a space ship? DOCTOR: Oh, more than trees, way better than trees. You're going to love this. (steps into forest) Treeborgs... (opens a section of peat moss to reveal circuitry) Trees plus technology. Branches become cables, become sensors on the hull. A forest sucking in starlight, breathing out air. It even rains. There's a whole mini-climate. It is an eco-pod running through the heart of the ship. A forest in a bottle, on a space ship, in a maze. Have I impressed you yet, Amy Pond? AMY: (chuckles) Seven. DOCTOR: Seven? (joins her back on the flight deck) AMY: Sorry, what? DOCTOR: You said seven. (he studies her face) AMY: No. I didn't. RIVER: Yes, you did. OCTAVIAN: Doctor! There's an exit, far end of the ship, into the Primary Flight Deck. DOCTOR: Good, that's where we need to go. OCTAVIAN: Plotting a safe path. DOCTOR: (still studying AMY) Quick as you like! ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Doctor? Excuse me. Hello, Doctor? Angel Bob here, sir. DOCTOR: (into radio) (sits in command chair) Ah. there you are, Angel Bob. How's life? Sorry, bad subject. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) The Angels are wondering what you hope to achieve. DOCTOR: (into radio) Achieve? We're not achieving anything. We're just hanging. It's nice in here, consoles, comfy chairs, a forest. How's things with you? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) The Angels are feasting, sir. Soon we will be able to absorb enough power to consume this vessel, this world, and all the stars and worlds beyond. DOCTOR: (into radio) Well, we've got comfy chairs, did I mention? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) We have no need of comfy chairs. DOCTOR: I made him say comfy chairs! AMY: (laughs) Six. DOCTOR: (into radio) (stands quickly) Okay, well, enough chat. Here's what I want to know: what have you done to Amy? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) There is something in her eye. DOCTOR: (into radio) What's in her eye? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) We are. AMY: What's he talking about? Doctor, I'm five. (everyone stares) I mean, five. Fine! I'm fine. RIVER: You're counting. AMY: Counting? DOCTOR: You're counting down. From ten. You have been for a couple of minutes. AMY: Why? DOCTOR: I don't know. AMY: Well, counting down to what? DOCTOR: I don't know. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) We shall take her. We shall take all of you. We shall have dominion over all time and space. DOCTOR: (into radio) (sits) Get a life, Bob. Oops, sorry again. There's power on this ship, but nowhere near that much. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) With respect, sir, there is more power on this ship than you yet understand. There is a loud, horrible screeching. RIVER: Dear God, what is it? OCTAVIAN: They're back. ANGEL BOB: (over radio) It's hard to put in your terms, Dr Song, but as best I understand it, the Angels are laughing. DOCTOR: (into radio) Laughing? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) Because you haven't noticed yet. The Doctor in the TARDIS hasn't noticed. OCTAVIAN: Doctor! DOCTOR: (stands) No, wait, there's something...I've... (slowly turns to see glowing crack high in the wall) missed. The DOCTOR runs back to the wall. AMY: That's... That's like the crack from my bedroom wall from when I was a little girl. DOCTOR: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Flashback to 5x1 "The Eleventh Hour", the DOCTOR is examining the crack in AMELIA'S wall. DOCTOR: Two parts of space and time that should never have touched. [SCENE_BREAK] OCTAVIAN: OK, enough, we're moving out! RIVER: Agreed. Doctor? DOCTOR: Yeah. Fine! (uses sonic on the crack) RIVER: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Right with you. RIVER: We're not leaving without you! DOCTOR: Oh. yes you are. Bishop? OCTAVIAN: Miss Pond, Dr Song, now! RIVER grabs AMY and pulls her to the forest. AMY: Doctor, come on! DOCTOR: So, what are you? (looks at the readings from the screwdriver) Oh, that's bad. Ah, that's extremely very not good. (presses ear against the wall and when he turns back, he's surrounded by Angels) Do not blink. (climbs over console to get past them and is grabbed by his jacket collar) INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OCTAVIAN and the clerics are walking slowly through the forest, keeping RIVER and AMY safely in the center. AMY begins to walk slower and has a strange, almost sickly look on her face. RIVER notices something is wrong. RIVER: Amy? (walks over and grips AMY'S arms) Amy, what's wrong? INT. BYZANTIUM SECONDARY FLIGHT DECK The DOCTOR is still in the grip of the Angels. DOCTOR: Why am I not dead then? (turns nervously and sees the Angels have their hands up to the crack as if worshipping it.) Good, and not so good. Oh, this isn't even a little bit good. I mean, is that it? Is that the power that brought you here? That's pure time energy, you can't feed on that. That's the power, that's the fire at the end of the universe. I'll tell you something else...(there's a loud rumbling) Never let me talk! (runs into the forest leaving his jacket in the hands of the Angels.) INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST, CLEARING RIVER: Amy, what's wrong? AMY: Four. (curls up on a moss-covered rock) RIVER: Med-scanner, now! (one of the clerics gives it to her) OCTAVIAN: Dr Song, we can't stay here, we've got to keep moving. RIVER: We wait for the Doctor. (uses the scanner on AMY) OCTAVIAN: Our mission is to make this wreckage safe and neutralise the Angels. Until that is achieved... RIVER: Father Octavian, when the Doctor is in the room, your only mission is to keep him alive long enough to get everyone else home. And trust me. It's not easy. Now, if he's dead back there, I'll never forgive myself, and if he's alive, I'll never forgive him. And, Doctor, you're standing right behind me, aren't you? DOCTOR: Oh, yeah. RIVER: (faces the DOCTOR) I hate you! DOCTOR: You don't. Bishop, the Angels are in the forest. (goes to AMY'S side) OCTAVIAN: We need visual contact on every line of approach. RIVER: How did you get past them? DOCTOR: Found a crack in the wall and told them it was the end of the universe. AMY: What was it? DOCTOR: The end of the universe. Let's have a look then. (checks the med-scanner) AMY: So. what's wrong with me? RIVER: Nothing. you're fine. DOCTOR: Everything, you're dying. RIVER: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes, you're right, if we lie to her, she'll get all better! Right. Amy! Amy. what's the matter with Amelia? Something's in her eye. What does that mean? Doesn't mean anything AMY: Doctor. DOCTOR: Busy. AMY: Scared! DOCTOR: Course, you're dying, shut up! RIVER: OK, let him think. DOCTOR: (stands) What happened? She stared at the Angel, she looked into the eyes of an angel for too long... CLERIC: Sir! Angel, incoming! An Angel is watching from the trees. CLERIC #2: And here. OCTAVIAN: Keep visual contact, do not let it move! DOCTOR: (paces and slaps sides of his head) Come on, come on, wakey, wakey! She watched an Angel climb out of the screen. She stared at the Angel and...and... AMY: The image of an Angel is an Angel. DOCTOR: A living image in a human mind. We stare at them to stop them getting closer, we don't even blink and that's exactly what they want, cos as long as our eyes are open, they can climb inside. There's an Angel in her mind. (puts hand over his mouth) In a close-up of AMY'S face, we see an Angel in her eye. AMY: Three. Doctor, it's coming. I can feel it. I'm going to die! DOCTOR: Please just shut up, I'm thinking. Now counting, what's that about? (into radio) Bob, why are they making her count? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) To make her afraid, sir. DOCTOR: (into radio) OK. but why. what for? ANGEL BOB: (over radio) For fun, sir. The DOCTOR growls in frustration and throws away the radio. One of the clerics watches the DOCTOR and turns back to look at the Angel when he hears a branch crack. AMY: Doctor, what's happening to me? Explain! DOCTOR: Inside your head, in the vision centres of your brain, there's an Angel. (sits by AMY) It's like there's a screen, a virtual screen inside your mind, and the Angel is climbing out of it, and it's coming to shut you off. AMY: Then what do I do? DOCTOR: (stands) If it was a real screen, what would we do, we'd pull the plug. but we can't just knock her out, the Angel would take over! RIVER: Then what? Quickly! DOCTOR: We've got to shut down the vision centers of her brain. We've got to pull the plug, starve the Angel. RIVER: (looks at scanner) Doctor, she's got seconds. DOCTOR: How would you starve your lungs? RIVER: I'd stop breathing. DOCTOR: Amy, close your eyes! AMY: No, no, I don't want to. DOCTOR: Good, because that's not you, that's the Angel inside you, it's afraid! Do it! Close your eyes! AMY hesitates but closes her eyes when the DOCTOR nods his head. The scanner beeps and the readings return to green. RIVER: She's normalising. (sighs) You did it! You did it! CLERIC: Sir? Two more incoming. CLERIC #2: Three more over here. RIVER: (putting away scanner) Still weak, dangerous to move her. AMY: (sitting up) So, can I open my eyes now? DOCTOR: (bends down in front of AMY) Amy, listen to me. If you open your eyes now for more than a second, you will die. The Angel is still inside you. We haven't stopped it, we've just sort of...paused it. You've used up your countdown. You cannot open your eyes. OCTAVIAN: Doctor, we're too exposed here. We have to move on. DOCTOR: (straightens) We're exposed everywhere, and Amy can't move, and anyway, that's not the plan. RIVER: There's a plan? (sits next to AMY, comforting her) DOCTOR: I don't know yet, I haven't finished talking. Right! Father, you and your Clerics will stay here, look after Amy. If anything happens to her, I'll hold each of you personally responsible, twice. River, you and me, we're going to find the Primary Flight Deck which is...(licks his finger and holds it up to test the air) a quarter mile straight ahead. We'll stabilise the wreckage. stop the Angels, and cure Amy. RIVER: How? DOCTOR: I'll do a thing. RIVER: What thing? DOCTOR: I don't know, it's a thing in progress. Respect the thing. Moving out! OCTAVIAN: Doctor, I'm coming with you. My Clerics can look after Miss Pond. These are my best men, they'd lay down their lives in her protection. DOCTOR: I don't need you. OCTAVIAN: I don't care. Where Dr Song goes, I go. RIVER comes over to them. DOCTOR: What? (looks at RIVER and then back to OCTAVIAN) You two engaged or something? OCTAVIAN: Yes, in a manner of speaking. Marco, you're in charge till I get back. (starts off with RIVER) MARCO: Sir! AMY: Doctor... Please, can't I come with you? OCTAVIAN: You'd slow us down, Miss Pond. AMY: I don't want to sound selfish, but you'd really speed me up. DOCTOR: (sits next to AMY) You'll be safer here. We can't protect you on the move. I'll be back for you soon as I can. I promise. AMY: You always say that. DOCTOR: I always come back. (stands) Good luck everyone. Behave. Do not let that girl open her eyes. And keep watching the forest. Stop those Angels advancing. Amy, later! (taps her on the head) River, going to need your computer. (leaves) AMY: Yeah. Later. AMY fidgets nervously with her hands. A masculine pair of hands grip hers. It's the DOCTOR, but this one is wearing a jacket. DOCTOR: Amy. you need to start trusting me, it's never been more important. AMY: But you don't always tell me the truth. DOCTOR: If I always told you the truth, I wouldn't need you to trust me. AMY: Doctor, the crack in my wall, how can it be here? DOCTOR: I don't know yet, but I'm working it out. Now, listen. Remember what I told you when you were seven? AMY: What did you tell me? DOCTOR: (rests his forehead against hers) No, no... That's not the point. You have to remember. (kisses her on the head and leaves) AMY: Remember what? Doctor? Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST PATH OCTAVIAN is leading RIVER and the DOCTOR through the forest. There is a beeping and the DOCTOR checks the device. RIVER: What's that? DOCTOR: Readings from a crack in a wall. RIVER: How can a crack in the wall be the end of the universe? DOCTOR: Here's what I think. One day there'll be a very big bang, so big every moment in history - past and future - will crack. RIVER: Is that possible? How? DOCTOR: How can you be engaged in a manner of speaking? RIVER: Well...sucker for a man in uniform.(smiles) OCTAVIAN: (walks over) Dr Song is in my personal custody. I released her from the Stormcage Containment Facility four days ago and I am legally responsible for her until she has accomplished her mission and earned her pardon. Just so we understand each other. DOCTOR: You were in Stormcage? (device beeps) RIVER: What? What is that? DOCTOR: The date! The date of the explosion where the crack begins. RIVER: And for those of us who can't read the base code of the universe? The date appears on the bottom as 26/06/2010. DOCTOR: Amy's time! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING Bored, AMY is still sitting with her eyes closed. AMY: So, what's happening? Anything happening out there? MARCO: The Angels are still grouping. One of the Angels reaches into a tree and pulls at the wires causing the lights to flicker. MARCO: Are you getting this too? CLERIC #3: The trees? Yeah. AMY: What's wrong with the trees? CLERIC #2: Here too, sir. They're ripping the Treeborgs apart. CLERIC #3: And here. They're taking out the lights. AMY: What is it? What's happening? Tell me. I can't see. MARCO: It's the trees, ma'am. The trees are going out. The Angels take advantage of the flickering lights and begin to advance. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OUTSIDE PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK The DOCTOR takes readings from the handheld as OCTAVIAN looks for a way in. RIVER stands guard. OCTAVIAN: It doesn't open it from here, but it's the Primary Flight Deck. This has got to be a service hatch or something. RIVER: Hurry up and open it, time's running out. DOCTOR: What? What did you say? Time's running out, is that what you said? RIVER: Yeah. I just meant... DOCTOR: I know what you meant. hush! But what if it could? RIVER: What if what could? DOCTOR: Time. What if time could run out? OCTAVIAN: Got it! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING CLERIC #4: Angels advancing, sir. CLERIC #2: Over here, again. MARCO: Weapons primed. Combat distance five feet. Wait for it! AMY: (stands) What is it? What's happening, just tell me! MARCO: Keep your position and, ma'am, keep your eyes shut! (Angels advance) Wait! A bright light appears and spreads. MARCO looks away towards the light. MARCO: The ship's not on fire. is it? CLERIC #2: (turns to light) It can't be. The compressors would have taken care of it. (turns back) Marco, the Angels have gone. Where'd they go? AMY: What, the Angels? CLERIC #3: (stands) This side's clear too, sir. AMY: The Angels have gone? MARCO: (reads handheld) There's still movement out there, but away from us now. It's like they're running. AMY: Running from what? MARCO: Phillip, Crispin, need to get a closer look at that. The two clerics head towards the light. AMY: What are you all looking at? What's there? PHILLIP and CRISPIN disappear behind some trees. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OUTSIDE PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: Cracks in time, time running out... No, couldn't be. How is a duck pond a duck pond if there aren't any ducks? And she didn't recognise the Daleks! OK, time can shift. Time can change. Time can be rewritten. Ah! Oh! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING MARCO: It's like, I don't know...a curtain of energy, sort of shifting. Makes you feel weird, sick. AMY: And you think it scared the Angels? CLERIC #2: What could scare those things? AMY turns nervously. MARCO: What are you doing? AMY: Point me at the light. MARCO: You can't open your eyes. AMY: Not for more than a second, that's what the Doctor said. Still got a bit of countdown left. MARCO: Ma'am. you can't. AMY: I need to see it. Am I looking the right way? I have to be quick. MARCO: (points her the right way) Very quick! AMY: OK. (opens eyes) It's the same shape! It's the crack in my wall. MARCO: Close your eyes. Now! AMY: It's following me! How can it be following me? AMY falls to her knees and MARCO is there to support her, holding his hand over her eyes, forcing her to close them. MARCO: Are you OK? AMY: Yeah. It was the same shape! CLERIC #2: Marco, you want me to get a closer look at that? MARCO: Go for it. Don't get too close. AMY: Hang on, what about the other two? Why not just wait 'til they're back? MARCO: What other two? AMY: The ones you sent before. MARCO: I didn't send anyone before. AMY: You did. I heard you. Crispin and Phillip. MARCO: Crispin and who? INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OUTSIDE PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK OCTAVIAN: Dr Song, get through, now. (helps RIVER through hatch) Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR: (doing calculations in the air) Time can be unwritten. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING MARCO: Amy, there never was a Crispin or a Phillip on this mission, I promise you. AMY: No, I heard you. Before you sent Pedro, you sent Crispin and Phillip, and now you can't even remember them. Something happened. I don't know what, and you don't even remember! MARCO: Pedro? AMY: Yeah, before you sent Pedro. MARCO: Who's Pedro? INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OUTSIDE PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: It's been happening and I haven't even noticed! OCTAVIAN: Doctor, we've have to move. DOCTOR: The CyberKing! A giant cyberman walks over all of Victorian London and no-one remembers. OCTAVIAN: We have to move it! The Angels could be here any second. (puts a hand on the DOCTOR'S shoulder) DOCTOR: (shrugs off OCTAVIAN'S hand) Never mind the Angels. There's worse here than Angels! The lights go out and the DOCTOR turns to see and Angel has its arm around OCTAVIAN's neck. OCTAVIAN: I beg to differ, sir. DOCTOR: (uses screwdriver on Angel) Let him go. OCTAVIAN: Well, it can't let me go, sir, not while you're looking at it. DOCTOR: I can't stop looking at it, it'll kill you. OCTAVIAN: It'll kill me anyway. There's no way out of this. You have to leave me! DOCTOR: Can't you wriggle out? OCTAVIAN: No. it's too tight. There's nothing you can do. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: Something's happening! Pedro was here a second ago and now you can't even remember him! MARCO: There never was a Pedro. There's only ever been the two of us here! AMY: No, there were five of us. Why can't you remember? MARCO: Listen, listen. I need to get a closer look at that light, whatever it is. Don't worry, I won't get too close. AMY: No, you can't. You mustn't. MARCO: Here, spare communicator. (presses the device into AMY'S hand) I'll stay in touch the whole time. AMY: You won't. If you go back there what happened to the others will happen to you! MARCO: There weren't any others! AMY: There won't be any YOU if you go back there. MARCO: Two minutes, I promise. (leaves) AMY: Please, just listen to me! AMY is alone in the clearing. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST OUTSIDE PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK OCTAVIAN: Sir, there's nothing you can do. DOCTOR: You're dead if I leave you. OCTAVIAN: Yes, yes, I'm dead. And before you go... DOCTOR: I'm not going! OCTAVIAN: Listen to me. It's important! You can't trust her. DOCTOR: Trust who? OCTAVIAN: River Song. You think you know her, but you don't. You don't understand who or what she is. DOCTOR: Then tell me. OCTAVIAN: I've told you more than I should. Now, please, you have to go. It's your duty to your friends. DOCTOR: Just tell me why she was in Stormcage? OCTAVIAN: She killed a man, a good man, a hero to many. DOCTOR: Who? OCTAVIAN: You don't want to know, sir. You really don't. DOCTOR: Who did she kill? OCTAVIAN: Sir, the Angels are coming. You have to leave me. DOCTOR: You'll die. OCTAVIAN: I will die in the knowledge that my courage did not desert me at the end. For that, I thank God and bless the path that takes you to safety. DOCTOR: I wish I'd known you better. OCTAVIAN: I think, sir, you know me at my best. DOCTOR: Ready? OCTAVIAN: (closes eyes) Content. The DOCTOR runs for the hatch and closes it behind him. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK RIVER: There's a teleport! If I can get it to work, we can beam the others here. Where's Octavian? DOCTOR: Octavian's dead, so is that teleport. You're wasting your time. I'm going to need your communicator. (takes communicator) INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) (softly) Hello, are you there? Hello? Hello? MARCO: (over radio) I'm here. I'm fine. I'm quite close to it now. AMY: (into radio) Then come back! Come back now, please. MARCO: (over radio) It's weird looking at it. It feels really... (static) AMY: (into radio) Really what? Hello? Really what? Hello? Hello? Hello? Please say you're there. Hello? Hello! DOCTOR: (over radio) Is that you? INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK AMY: (over radio) 'Doctor?' DOCTOR: (into radio) Where are you? Are the Clerics with you? INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) They've gone. There was a light and they walked into the light. Doctor, they didn't even remember each other. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) No. They wouldn't. RIVER: What is that light? DOCTOR: Time running out. (into radio) Amy. I'm sorry. I should never have left you there. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) Well, what do I do now? INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) You come to us. Primary Flight Deck, other end of the forest. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) I can't see! I can't open my eyes. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) (uses screwdriver on communicator) Turn on the spot. AMY: (over radio) Sorry. what? DOCTOR: (into radio) Just do it. Turn on the spot. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING DOCTOR: (over radio) When the communicator sounds like my screwdriver, you're facing the right way. Follow the sound. AMY turns in a circle and listens to the whirring sound the communicator makes. DOCTOR: (over radio) You have to start moving now. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) There's time energy spilling out of that crack and you have to stay ahead of it. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) But the Angels, they're everywhere. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) I'm sorry, I really am, but the Angels can only kill you. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) (starts walking) What does the Time Energy do? INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) Just keep moving! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) Tell me! INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) If the Time Energy catches up with you, you'll never have been born. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING DOCTOR: (over radio) It will erase every moment of your existence. You will never have lived at all. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) Now, keep your eyes shut and keep moving! RIVER: It's never going to work. DOCTOR: (shouts) What else have you got? River, tell me! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY walks slowly along the dirt path. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK There is a loud whooshing and clanging. RIVER: What's that? DOCTOR: The Angels running from the fire. They came here to feed on the time energy. Now it's going to feed on them. DOCTOR: (into radio) Amy, listen to me. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING DOCTOR: (over radio) I'm sending a bit of software to your communicator. It's a proximity detector. It'll beep if there's something in your way. You just manoeuvre till the beeping stops. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) Because, Amy, this is important. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING DOCTOR: (over radio) The forest is full of Angels. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) You're going to have to walk like you can see. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) Well, what do you mean? DOCTOR: (over radio) Look, just keep moving. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK RIVER: That time energy, what's it going to do? DOCTOR: Er, keep eating. RIVER: How do we stop it? DOCTOR: Feed it. RIVER: Feed it what? DOCTOR: A big complicated space-time event should shut it up for a while. RIVER: Like what, for instance? DOCTOR: (shouts) Like me, for instance! A high-pitched beeping echoes through the flight deck. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY: (into radio) What's that? INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) It's a warning. There are Angels 'round you now. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING The lights flash and AMY is surrounded by Angels. DOCTOR: (over radio) Amy. listen to me. This is going to be hard but I know... INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) ...you can do it. The Angels are scared INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING DOCTOR: (over radio) and running and right now they're not that interested in you. They'll assume you can see them and their instincts will kick in. All you've got to do is walk like you can see. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) Just don't open your eyes. Walk like you can see. You're not moving. You have to do this. INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING AMY stands between two Angels. DOCTOR: (over radio) Now. INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK DOCTOR: (into radio) (bangs his hand against the instrument panel) You have to do this! INT. BYZANTIUM, FOREST CLEARING The communicator beeps slowly. As AMY turns unknowingly towards an Angel, it beeps quickly and she turns to face the way she was. She slowly walks forward and turns again only to hear the beeping speed up once more. She changes direction and moved forward until she trips over a root and falls, dropping the communicator. She feels about in the dirt but can't find it. AMY: Doctor, I can't find the communicator! I dropped it! I can't find it. Doctor! (keeps feeling in the dirt) Doctor... (the Angels begin to move) Doctor! Doctor... (stands and turns only to come face-to-face with an Angel as it reaches for her. AMY is engulfed in a bright light) INT. BYZANTIUM, PRIMARY FLIGHT DECK AMY appears on the flight deck and is supported by RIVER. RIVER: Don't open your eyes. You're on the Flight Deck, the Doctor's here. I teleported you. (to DOCTOR) See? Told you I could get it working. DOCTOR: River Song, I could bloody kiss you. RIVER: Ah well, maybe when you're older. (an alarm blares) What's that? DOCTOR: The Angels are draining the last of the ship's power, which means... the shield's going to release! The shield to the forest opens and they are confronted by a large number of Angels. The DOCTOR steps forward. DOCTOR: Angel Bob, I presume. ANGEL BOB: The Time Field is coming. It will destroy our reality. DOCTOR: Yeah, and look at you, all running away. What can I do for you? ANGEL BOB: There is a rupture in time. The Angels calculate that if you throw yourself into it, it will close and they will be saved. DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could do, could do that. But why? ANGEL BOB: Your friends would also be saved. DOCTOR: Well, there is that. RIVER: (steps up to the DOCTOR) I've travelled in time. I'm a complicated space/time event, too. Throw me in. DOCTOR: Oh, be serious! Compared to me, these Angels are more complicated than you and it would take every one of them to amount to me, so get a grip. RIVER: Doctor, I can't let you do this. DOCTOR: No, seriously, get a grip. RIVER: You're not going to die here! DOCTOR: No, I mean it. River, Amy, get a grip. RIVER: (realizes his plan) Oh, you genius! (goes to AMY) ANGEL BOB: Sir, the Angels need you to sacrifice yourself now. DOCTOR: Thing is, Bob, the Angels are draining all the power from this ship, every last bit of it. And you know what? I think they've forgotten where they're standing. I think they've forgotten the gravity of the situation. Or to put it another way, Angels... RIVER: (to AMY) You hold on tight and don't you let go for anything. (places AMY'S hands on a handle attached to the panel before gripping one herself) DOCTOR: Night-night. As the gravity fails due to the loss of power, the DOCTOR casually turns to grip a handle himself. The deck turns to its side and the DOCTOR, AMY and RIVER hang on for dear life as the Angels are sucked into the crack. The is a burst of light and the crack in the secondary flight deck closes. EXT. BEACH, DAWN AMY is leaning on a rock, wrapped in a blanket. The DOCTOR stands next to her with a cleric behind them. AMY: Ah, Bruised everywhere. DOCTOR: Me too. AMY: You didn't have to climb out with your eyes shut. DOCTOR: Neither did you, I kept saying. The Angels all fell into the time field. The Angel in your memory never existed. It can't harm you now. AMY: Then why do I remember it at all? Those guys on the ship didn't remember each other. DOCTOR: You're a time traveller now, Amy. Changes the way you see the universe forever. Good, isn't it? AMY: And the crack. Is that gone too? DOCTOR: Yeah, for now. But the explosion that caused it is still happening... somewhere out there, somewhere in time. (looks out at the ocean before walking over to RIVER) RIVER: You, me...handcuffs. (holds out her hands encased in cuffs) Must it always end this way? DOCTOR: What now? RIVER: The prison ship's in orbit. They'll beam me up any second. I might have done enough to earn a pardon this time. We'll see. DOCTOR: Octavian said you killed a man. RIVER: Yes. I did. A good man. A very good man. The best man I've ever known. DOCTOR: Who? RIVER: It's a long story, Doctor, can't be told. It has to be lived. No sneak previews. Well, except for this one: you'll see me again quite soon, when the Pandorica opens. DOCTOR: The Pandorica, ha! (whispers in her ear) That's a fairy tale. RIVER: (laughs) Oh, Doctor, aren't we all? I'll see you there. DOCTOR: I look forward to it. RIVER: I remember it well. The DOCTOR chuckles and walks away. AMY: (walks up to RIVER) Bye. River. RIVER: See you. Amy. (handcuffs beep) Oh! I think that's my ride. DOCTOR: Can I trust you. River Song? RIVER: If you like, but where's the fun in that? (laughs and is teleported away) The DOCTOR turns and looks out at the ocean. AMY: What are you thinking? DOCTOR: Time can be rewritten. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is at the console while AMY sits on the jump seat, arms crossed. AMY: I want to go home. DOCTOR: (quietly) OK. AMY: (smiles and joins him) No, not like that! I just... I just want to show you something. You're running from River. I'm running too. EXT. AMY'S HOUSE, NIGHT We hear the TARDIS materialize and see a light go on in AMY'S room. INT. AMY'S ROOM, NIGHT The TARDIS has materialized in a corner of the room. The DOCTOR and AMY are sitting on her bed, looking at the closet where her wedding gown is hanging. DOCTOR: Well! AMY: Yeah! DOCTOR: Blimey! AMY: I know. This is the same night we left, yeah? DOCTOR: (checks watch) We've been gone five minutes. AMY: (leans over, gets ring box and opens it) I'm getting married in the morning. DOCTOR: (takes box) Why did you leave it here? AMY: Why did I leave my engagement ring when I ran away with a strange man the night before my wedding? DOCTOR: Yeah. AMY: You really are an alien, aren't you? DOCTOR: Who's the lucky fella? AMY: You met him. DOCTOR: Ah, the good looking one or the other one? (mimes a large nose) AMY: The other one. DOCTOR: Well, he was good too. AMY: Thanks. So, do you comfort a lot of people on the night before their wedding? DOCTOR: Why would you need comforting? AMY: I nearly died. I was alone in the dark and I nearly died. And it made me think. DOCTOR: Well, yes, natural. I think sometimes. Well, lots of times... AMY: About what I want. About who I want. You know what I mean? DOCTOR: Yeah... No. AMY: About who...I want. DOCTOR: Oh, right, yeah... No, still not getting it. AMY: Doctor, in a word, n one very simple word even you can understand... (practically climbs on top of him) DOCTOR: (nervously pushes her away and clambers over the foot rail) Uh...! You're getting married in the morning! AMY: (walks around) The morning's a long time away. (pushes him back against the TARDIS) What are we going to do about that? (starts to undress him) DOCTOR: (pulls braces back up) Listen to me. I'm 907 years old. Do you understand what that means? (pushes away) AMY: It's been awhile? DOCTOR: No. no. no! I'm 907, and look at me. I don't get older, I just change. You get older. I don't, and this can't ever work. (pushes away from her again, his back to the TARDIS) AMY: Oh, you are sweet, Doctor. But I really wasn't suggesting anything quite so...long term. (kisses him) DOCTOR: (pushes her away) But you're human! You're Amy! You're getting married in the morning! (realization) In the morning. AMY: (pulls back) Doctor? DOCTOR: It's you. It's all about you. Everything. It's about you. AMY: Hold that thought! (lies seductively on the bed) DOCTOR: Amy Pond... Mad, impossible Amy Pond. I don't know why, I have no idea, but quite possibly the single most important thing in the history of the universe is that I get you sorted out right now. AMY: That's what I've been trying to tell you! DOCTOR: (pulls her off the bed) Come on! AMY: (flirty) Doctor! The DOCTOR pushes her into the TARDIS before turning to look at her clock. It changes from "11:59 6/25" to "12:00 6/26" [SCENE_BREAK] Flashback to RIVER in the forest on the Bysantium when the communicator showed the date of the origin of the cracks. RIVER: ...And for those of us who can't read the base code of the universe? DOCTOR: Amy's time!

Plan: A: The Time of Angels; Q: What is the name of the episode that precedes "Flesh and Stone"? A: the group; Q: Who is standing upside-down on the ceiling? A: thirty feet; Q: How far above the opening of the Byzantium are the group standing? A: A crack; Q: What appears inside the ship? A: The Eleventh Hour; Q: What episode did the crack first appear in? A: The Doctor; Q: Who discovers that the crack was caused by an explosion? A: 26 June 2010; Q: What was the date of Amy and Rory's wedding? A: a Weeping Angel; Q: What creature entered Amy's eye? A: her eyes; Q: What did the Doctor tell Amy to keep closed? A: the gravity; Q: What fails as the Weeping Angels fall into the crack? A: her home; Q: Where does Amy ask the Doctor to take her? Summary: Following "The Time of Angels", the group are standing upside-down on the ceiling of the labyrinth thirty feet above the opening of the Byzantium (which they enter to escape the Weeping Angels). A crack similar to the one in Amy's bedroom in "The Eleventh Hour" appears inside the ship. The Doctor discovers that the crack, which erases people and things from existence, was caused by an explosion on 26 June 2010. A projection of a Weeping Angel entered Amy's eye after she looked into a Weeping Angel's eye in the previous episode, and the Doctor tells her to keep her eyes closed. As the gravity fails, the Weeping Angels fall into the crack (erasing them from history, and from Amy's eye). Amy asks the Doctor to take her home; resisting her attempt to seduce him, he learns that Amy and Rory's wedding day is 26 June 2010.

SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Insects chirping ) [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: ( Giggles ) Beautiful, aren't they? Both halves finally reunited. You know what they represent, now, don't you? Emma: Power. Rumplestiltskin: It's much more than power, dearie. It's history. Excalibur's promise was born eons ago. And now it's time for that promise... To be fulfilled. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Desert. 1000 years ago. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Both grunting ) Man: They following?! Merlin: No. They wouldn't trail escaped generals into this, much less foot soldiers. ( Groans ) ( Breathing heavily ) ( The sun glitters off something in the distance. ) Merlin: Look, look! There it is again. Man: It's a mirage, Merlin. There's no water there. Merlin: I would rather find out for sure than lie here and die. Come on. ( They approach a gilded goblet of water on a rock. ) Man: That's a gift from the Gods. Merlin: We are hardly worth notice of the Gods. Man: The Gods could do worse. But if you don't want any... ( The man places his hands around the goblet and starts screaming. He turns to dust. ) Merlin: ( Sighs ) Well, then... To drink or die? With your permission... ( Merlin drinks from the goblet. ) ( Breathing deeply ) Merlin: Thank you. Thank you. ( Merlin drinks from the chalice. Under his hand, the desert turns to greenery. ) Merlin: I have magic. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Birds chirping ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] David: So you can really do it... Take the dark one dagger and put it together with Arthur's sword to re-create the original Excalibur? Merlin: I hope so. Mary Margaret: And we can use it to save Emma? Merlin: Perhaps, but I need two things. The magical means to unite the two blades. That's my and Emma's quest. From you, I need... Regina: The two blades. Robin Hood: We're pretty much at the open-warfare stage. Now, getting the partial sword from Arthur won't be easy. Hook: As long as you're looking at the future, any hints on how? Merlin: Well, the future isn't exact. There are many parts... Hook: Of course there are. You're willing to send us behind enemy lines, but when it comes to specifics, everything's a little fuzzy, isn't it?! David: Hook, Merlin's helping Emma. Hook: Is he?! She's sitting out there right now, making things to pull memories out of people's heads, because that's what she does now instead of sleeping. I'm not quite seeing the helping! Merlin: I understand. I know what it is to lose someone you love to the Dark One. All I can ask of all of you is that you bring me that sword... and that you have patience with Emma. Her kind of power, for good or evil... It is a weight on the soul. And love is a great help, if you can find it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. 200 years earlier. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: There. You're healed. Man: Gratitude, great Merlin. Merlin: You're both very welcome. Apprentice: I think that's it for today. Wait. I didn't see her arrive. I'll get her to leave. Merlin: What does she want? Apprentice: Don't you know? You always know. Merlin: I'll talk to her. Uh, you head back. Check on the brooms. Merlin: Have you come to see me? Nimue: You're Merlin? Merlin: Not all wizards have long white beards. Please, tell me. What brings you here? Nimue: My village... Uh, I was in my garden when a masked man rode in. His name is Vortigan. He ransacks towns, burns them to the ground, so I-I fled on foot to the woods. I looked back from the hillside, and everything was in flames. He had killed everyone. Merlin: I'm so sorry. Please, allow me to help you. What can I grant you? Nimue: Revenge. These were all I had on me when I ran. They're seeds from the middlemist flower. They only prosper around my village. When Vortigan scorched the earth, he could have killed them forever. My best revenge would be for them to live on despite him. Merlin: We will plant them here. Nimue: Thank you. If the flowers survive, at least something other than me lived on. ( Nimue pours the seeds into a pot. ) Nimue: I'll try and pass through again in the spring. ( Sighs ) I want to see them in bloom. Merlin: Well, why wait? Nimue: ( Gasps ) Merlin: Stay close. You can come and see them anytime. Nimue: You see the future. Do I do that? Merlin: ( Sighs ) With you, for some reason... I have no idea. I hope so. What's your name? Nimue: Nimue. Merlin: Nimue. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Outside Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Birds chirping ) Merlin: Emma. Emma. Emma, there is a way to make Excalibur whole again. Will you come with me today so we can get what we need? It's not far. Emma: What is it? Merlin: A spark from mankind's original fire, the Flame of Prometheus. Its heat forged Excalibur, and that's what we'll need to put it back together. So will you come with me to collect the spark? We'll be back by nightfall. Emma: You look dire. What is it? Merlin: When we get there, we will need to deal with the first dark one. Emma: The one who wore the mask? The one who killed the woman you love? Merlin: The very same. This is not a trivial task. Emma: I was seeing Rumplestiltskin. Like, a voice in my head. I just got rid of him. And now you want me to let another one in? Merlin: Yes, and not just anyone. This is the first dark one, the original, the one from whom all the evil that followed was born. Emma: Will we win? Merlin: ( Sighs ) I see two paths for our journey, Emma. On one, you resist the darkness and we succeed. On the other, you succumb to the darkness and I do not return. I die. Emma: You die? But... Merlin: Even immortality has exceptions. A dark one does have the power to kill me. Emma: But they won't even be there. Not really. ( Merlin looks down. ) Emma: Oh. It would be me. If you died, it would be me. Merlin: If I die, it means that you lost your battle and the darkness stained your soul. Everything and everyone that you know will be at the mercy of the most powerful dark one ever... Yourself. No pressure. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Outside Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: You'll return by nightfall, right? Emma: Yes. We go get this spark thing, and then I'm working my way back to you, babe. Hook: I know when you're quoting something. Emma: And I love that you never know what it is. Anyway, with a bit of luck, we can put Excalibur together tomorrow, and then... bam... No more darkness. Hook: Be careful, Emma. ( Hook takes a necklace with a ring off and hands it to Emma. ) Emma: Whoa. ( Laughs ) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hook: Calm down, Swan. I'm not proposing. You know I'm a survivor. This ring is why. I've had it for many years. It's the reason I'm alive. Or it could be. Who knows? Emma: You know I can't die today. I'm immortal now. Hook: The dark one is immortal. Emma isn't. Bring her home to me. At the very least, it's a reminder that you've got a piercing-eyed, smoldering pirate here who loves you. Emma: Thank you. I love you, too. Merlin: It's time. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. "Years Earlier". (Transcriber note: Oh come on writers, your timeline is f***ed up.) [SCENE_BREAK] Nimue: Is this some new magic? Are you frowning them into growing faster? Merlin: ( Sighs ) Just thinking. There's a man I'm considering helping. He's tired. He's spent his life tending to others, and now he just wants to marry the woman he loves and grow old by her side. But there's an obstacle. Nimue: He sounds awful. ( Laughs ) If I teach you nothing else, it will be to laugh at yourself. If you want to propose, go ahead. ( They kiss. ) Nimue: Now, tell me about this obstacle. Merlin: Well, you know that I didn't always have magic, but I've never actually said how it happened. ( Sighs ) It was a gift. I found the Holy Grail. Nimue: What? The Holy Grail? You found the Holy Grail? Merlin... Merlin: I drank from it, and it gave me magic. But it also gave me eternal life. That was 500 years ago. I don't age. I don't die. So if I were to marry you, then I would have to watch as you leave me behind. I would rather share a life with you to the end than go on without you. Nimue: If you still had the Grail... Merlin: I do. It's in the bottom of the chest, in the main room of the tower. Nimue: It's in my living room. Wait. There's your answer, o wise one. Let me drink from the Grail. We can live forever together. Merlin: I'm so sorry, my dearest, but I've already seen the cost of immortality. ( Sighs ) Life is made of little moments, precious as diamonds. But imagine there were an endless sea of diamonds. They'd all be worthless. They'd be as common as sand. I do have another solution, if you'll accept it. We take the Grail, and we remake it into a sword. Such a blade could cut away my magic, my immortality, and then we can come back here, and we can live normal lives together. Nimue: You would really give up so much? Merlin: ( Sighs ) For you. ( Merlin twists two Middlemist flower leaves into a ring, and puts it on Nimue's finger. It turns into gold. ) Nimue: I don't want this moment to get lost in an endless sea of time. Merlin: Come. Come make the preparations. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Okay, what's the plan? David: We take them by surprise a go in through the front gate. Hook: Well, after our jailbreak, they'll be on high alert. We need a diversion at the drawbridge. The rest of us can climb the wall on the side. Regina: Are you forgetting? I've got magic. I can just poof into Arthur's bedroom. Zelena: ( Scoffs ) Regina: What?! ( Zelena gestures at Regina. ) Regina: Well, if you're going to make a scene, you might as well make noise. ( Whoosh ) Zelena: Oh! Thank you. I do love hearing a sensible person talk. Regina: Spit it out. What are you thinking? Zelena: I'm thinking going in the front... suicide. Diversion... Arthur hides the sword. You need it on him. And you could poof right in front of a blade. Oopsie! You need to sneak in so quietly... No one knows you're there. David: How? Hang glider? Oh, giant slingshot. Zelena: If sir-castic ( Sarcastic ) would let me speak, I'd tell you that I wasn't idle during those days in there, playing mute handmaiden at Regina's side. I was plotting an escape. Regina: I knew it. Zelena: And I found a way out. And if I know a way out, I know a way in. Regina: You're going to help us? Zelena: Of course. Because you're going to help me. I want my magic back. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Outside Arthur's Castle. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: It's a tunnel, abandoned for years. It will take you to the courtyard. Hook: Well, if it's so good, why didn't you escape through it? Zelena: Observe the massive metal grate. See, without magic, I'm a delicate thing. David: Well, it leads in the right direction. Looks like your information is good, at least this far. Zelena: Thank you. Now I've done my part. You can do yours. Take off this bloody cuff. Regina: For all we know, this leads to the guards' quarters. We make it out safe with the sword, then we'll talk. Mary Margaret, how do you feel about guard duty? Mary Margaret: Oh, I'd be delighted. We'll chat, have plenty of pregnancy tips. Zelena: Good Lord, this is worse than being in my cell. Regina: All right, everyone. ( Sighs ) Let's get this sword. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tower. [SCENE_BREAK] Queen Guinevere: These are powerful ingredients, Arthur. I hope you know what you're doing. King Arthur: We need something to protect us. These people drop from the sky, then they turn on us, freeing prisoners! They won't stop until they've taken everything from me. Guards! Infidels are on their way. Call up the reserves. Get every man on the parapet, and patrol every hall. And, you, give me your helm. King Arthur: The ladle and the caldron have special protection spells. This helmet and our friends do not. Throw this on any stranger you see, and bring me what's left of them. It will be nothing but teeth and bones. This is war now. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: When I was seeing Rumplestiltskin in my head, he said he would only be with me until I embraced my dark powers. So recently, I've been thinking maybe not seeing him, maybe that's a bad thing. Merlin: Have you embraced your powers? Emma: I've done some dark things recently. I hurt someone... My son. And if I dig deep down... the darkness is winning. But there's hope, right? You wouldn't be bothering to get this spark if there wasn't still hope. Merlin: There is hope, and it's up there. Emma: That's a whole lot of up. Merlin: We can make it. The question is, will I come down? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. "Years Earlier" Transcriber's note: See previous note. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Insects chirping ) [SCENE_BREAK] Nimue: This was my village. My home. Look what's become of it. My house was... Was right here. Or maybe... Maybe it was there. ( Scoffs ) Oh, it's so different now. Merlin: Sometimes the sole survivor of a tragedy can feel guilty. In the future, they'll call it... Nimue: I don't feel guilty. I feel angry. This shouldn't be the way that those who cannot take are taken. If I had magic like yours, if I had a million lifetimes to hand out power to those who need it and to strike down those who... Merlin: Nimue, shh. It's been decided. Nimue: ( Sighs ) Merlin: Look. In the street, cups. Nimue: It looks like every household brought out their cups for him. Why would they d... Oh! Merlin: He was questing for the Grail and torching down each hiding place... ( exhales ) As he annihilated it. Will you check the pack and make sure the Grail is secure? I've never taken it away from the tower before. I'm going to perform a detection spell. ( Inhales deeply ) ( Gasps ) Vortigan. He's here, over the horizon, the way we came! Hurry! Nimue: He's just a man! You could kill him with one magical word. Merlin: If I use magic to kill, darkness will take root inside of me. Nothing... nothing is worth risking that. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: Come. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Arthur's Castle. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Chatter ) Hook: Back. Robin Hood: You suppose that's for us? Regina: I have a feeling we don't want to find out. Hook: Come on. Let's keep moving. Robin Hood: I keep waiting for the ax to fall. Regina: I didn't think she had it in her, but... Zelena hasn't screwed us... Yet. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Outside King Arthur's castle. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Birds chirping ) Mary Margaret: Good thing we're in the shade. I guess the sun's a problem for you now that you're not green. Zelena: ( Sobbing ) Mary Margaret: Oh, no. Zelena: I'm finally trying to do something to help, and nobody believes me! Mary Margaret: It's the hormones talking. Zelena: No! She's always the winner, and I'm always the loser, and she's gonna take my baby! ( Crying ) Mary Margaret: Zelena. Zelena? Zelena, are you in pain? ( Zelena kicks Mary Margaret, and ties her up. ) Zelena: ( Grunts ) Not now that you've shut up! Oh, there's no rest for the wicked. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. "Years Earlier". Ugh. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Nimue: It's amazing. Merlin: ( Laughs ) Come. You'll see that's an understatement. Nimue: Are you sure this will work? Merlin: I'm quite sure. This will give me the life I wish for... Shorter... And full of love and meaning. ( Flames roar ) Nimue: Oh, my God. Wait. Merlin: What? Nimue: Vortigan. Merlin: There's no more Grail, sir. Leave us be. Nimue: He wants the sword. ( Gasps, groans ) Merlin: The sword will bring you no joy. ( Nimue elbows Vortigan, and escapes his grasp. ) Merlin: Nimue, be still! Nimue: I can do this! You don't know! Vortigan: ( Growls ) ( Vortigan stabs Nimue. ) Nimue: ( Groans ) Merlin: No! Nimue. Nimue: ( Gasps ) Merlin: Nimue? Oh, no, no, no! Nimue: I'm sorry. Merlin: Nimue. Nimue? Nimue! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Birds chirping ) Merlin: This structure marks the end of Prometheus' theft. The stolen flame burned on for a great while... Long enough for Excalibur to be both forged and broken here. This is where the first dark one killed Nimue, the woman I loved. Emma: What happened to the flame? Merlin: The first dark one took it and still possesses it in the form of a single ember, with the spark deep inside. Emma: So that's what I need to get. Okay. Bring him on. ( Merlin hands Emma the Dark One dagger. ) Emma: My family let you take this? Merlin: I didn't ask permission. You need its power to talk to the first dark one, to reach all the way back to the origin of dark magic. Emma: It's buzzing, like... Ants crawling up my arm. Is it safe? Merlin: Of course not. Your power is totally unchecked, and I've just handed you the power to kill me. Now... Call on the spirit of the previous dark ones. Emma: Take the right path. ( Breathing shakily ) Emma: It's just in my head. It's just in my head. It's just in my head. ( The Dark One dagger scrolls back through the names of all previous dark ones. A figure in a robe and mask appears before Emma. ) Merlin: You did it. Emma: You can see him, too? Merlin: Yes. Power has its advantages. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: And it's not a him. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Emma looks at the Dark One dagger, and the name on it is "Nimue" ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. "Years Earlier." [SCENE_BREAK] ( Grunts ) Merlin: You killed her! Vortigan: And now I'm going to kill you. Merlin: That power was never meant to be a weapon! Vortigan: Then you shouldn't have turned it into a sword. ( Flesh rends, Vortigan grunts as Nimue takes his heart ) Merlin: Nimue. ( Heart beating ) Merlin: How? When I cast the detection spell. Nimue: Yes. I drank from the Grail. You didn't tell me what it feels like to be strong, Merlin, to be immortal. Merlin: Nimue, you let me watch you die! Nimue: I'm sorry about the play-acting, but it was my last chance to remind you what death looks like. Merlin: What matters now is that you're holding a man's heart in your hand. Please, spare him. Nimue: He doesn't deserve sparing! Merlin: If you kill, your magic will turn dark. You'll commit atrocities that you can't even imagine. Nimue: This man took my home and my family. I had nothing to care for but a handful of seeds! Merlin: I'm not fighting for him! I'm fighting for you! I need you to be the woman that I know. I cannot bear to watch you become this. I know you feel you've lost everything, but, Nimue, if you do this... then we've lost everything. ( Heart beating ) ( Heart splatters ) ( Gasps ) [SCENE_BREAK] ( Nimue crushes the heart, and then her skin turns teal. ) Nimue: Let's not think about cutting away anyone's magic or immortality. Merlin: Please don't... Don't do this. Nimue. ( Nimue breaks the sword in two. ) Merlin: No! No! Nimue: I'm sorry. Merlin: ( Sighs ) No, Nimue. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Nimue. Nimue: Yes. I'm Nimue. And you are Emma. How pretty, the first dark one and the newest dark one standing as sisters. Emma: It makes sense. You killed the woman he loved because you killed the woman you used to be. Why didn't you tell me? Merlin: I did tell you. The creature over there is the first dark one. It's not the woman I loved. Nimue: It's been a long time, Merlin. Merlin: I've thought of you every day. Nimue: And now, on your last day, I'll be your last thought. How poetic. Emma: Why are you doing this? You loved him. Nimue: Even when you love someone, you have to say, "No, this is mine. You can't take it away from me." And if they don't listen, if they try to stop you from being you, then you have no choice. You have to kill them. Oh... ( Groans ) ...and you're doing this... ( Merlin choking ) ...because we are one and the same now, all dark ones, and we must destroy the threat to us. We must destroy Merlin. Merlin: Emma, please. Emma: It's... not me! Nimue: Finish the job! Merlin: Don't listen! Nimue: He wants you to make a sword to destroy me, to destroy us. Merlin: You can control this. Nimue: Don't listen to him! He doesn't understand what you and I do. He doesn't understand the power. If you don't kill him now, you'll go back to being powerless. Merlin: Killing is the dark path. Nimue: No! It's power to protect yourself and your loved ones! Merlin: Let the light win. Nimue: Kill him! Don't go back to being nothing! [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: I'm not nothing! I was never nothing! The power you have I don't need! Now I am going to take that ember from you, and you are going to let me. Nimue: ( Gasps ) ( Breathing heavily ) Nimue: The spark you need is in there... But the sword you will make has more than one use, and I am not dead yet, girl. You know where to find me when you want me. ( Nimue touches Emma's forehead. ) Nimue: I'll be right in there. Merlin: You did it. Emma: I did. Merlin: How did it feel to take the right path? Emma: To be honest, Merlin, it feels damn good. ( Breathes shakily ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: What happened after she turned into the dark one? Merlin: First, my Apprentice and I made sure the sword would be safe. Then, I created the dagger. I tethered her spirit to it so I could control and prevent her reign of terror. But eventually, she got it away from me. Emma: She put you in the tree. She wore the mask then. Merlin: Yes. She took that mask from a man who did her great harm. It's easier to live with the darkness if you can dress it up as vengeance. Emma: I realize your heart was broken, but now I know... Nimue loves you still. It's all twisted up, but I felt it. Merlin: Thank you. ( Inhales deeply ) That means a lot to me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Years Earlier. [SCENE_BREAK] Apprentice: ( Echoing ) Too bad you couldn't see her future. You could have not talked to her in the first place. Merlin: No, no, my boy, no. Never think that. Even now I would live through it again. Life is made of moments... And I had the best moments of my life with her. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Is it possible for someone to have the darkness, but use it for good, use it to protect people? Merlin: Emma, don't let those thoughts tempt you. Emma: But is it true? Merlin: Someday perhaps there will be a person who's worthy to hold that much power and not let it burn through to darken their soul. But if we can wipe out the darkness, we'll never have to ask that much of anyone. Emma: Sounds like we need to find the other half of Excalibur. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. The Round Table. [SCENE_BREAK] King Arthur: Foul witch, you've overpowered the guards! Robin Hood: Sword's on the table. Hook: Don't touch it. It could have protection charms. Regina: Tell your timbers to stop shivering, pirate. Nothing in here can hurt us. Arthur doesn't know how to do magic. Zelena: Hi, guys! Regina: Oh, hell no. David: Mary Margaret! If you hurt her... Zelena: Ooh, daddy's angry. Mary Margaret: ( Grunts ) Zelena: Let's undo that. ( Zelena reverses the spell keeping King Arthur frozen. ) ( Whoosh ) King Arthur: Ahh. Regina: How did... Zelena: Well, Arthur was kind enough to remove that constricting jewelry. Regina: Fine. I'd prefer an even fight. Robin Hood: No, don't! The baby. Zelena: You know, if you treated me fairly for once, maybe I wouldn't turn on you. Hook: Yes, you would. Zelena: But I'd enjoy it less. Oh! Here we are. One of Merlin's cookbooks. King Arthur: Is it the right spell? Zelena: Oh, yes. It's quite an ingenious recipe for a tethering potion. King Arthur: Excellent. Zelena: ( Laughs ) There... You can take it now. Cookies are done, and by "cookies," I mean that Artie here may have a shorter sword than a man would like, but it can control the world's greatest wizard. Zelena: His plan, but I like it. Happy to help. King Arthur: Most obliged, my lady. David: Arthur, please. You can't see a way out, but there is one. You can start over. King Arthur: Merlin! David: We've all started over. King Arthur: Merlin! David: Emma is worth more to you as the Savior than the dark one. King Arthur: Thank you, David. But... Merlin! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Forest. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Henry... my God, he's growing up so fast. Sometimes I can hardly believe... ( Whoosh ) ( Emma turns and Merlin is gone. ) ( Birds chirping ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. The Round Table. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Whoosh ) King Arthur: Ah, Merlin. How kind of you to come when called. For your first task, please use your magic to keep these fine people from attacking me in any way. ( Whoosh ) ( Sword clatters ) Zelena: ( Laughs ) Wow. Merlin: It is done, Arthur. You can put that down. We don't have to do this. Emma has passed her test. King Arthur: Oh, Emma passed the test? How nice for her. Merlin: I have what we need to unite Excalibur and fulfill your legacy. Give me the sword. King Arthur: You mean give you the glory? No. Merlin: Glory? You seek glory? Is that really what you've become? I am so sorry I wasn't there to guide you, Arthur. This isn't the man you were supposed to be. King Arthur: Oh, I am exactly what you made me. "Look at the half-man with his half-sword, solving riddles from a tree." I bet you laughed. Merlin: I was trapped, and I put my faith in you. You were meant to be like a son to me. King Arthur: Shut your mouth. I was never a son to you. You lied. You told me legend would speak of the great King Arthur, using Excalibur to strike darkness from the realm! Tell me how this was not a lie! Merlin: Because you will do that. You're a part of doing it right now. King Arthur: A part of it? Merlin: We have what we need. The future is in your hands, Arthur. Give me the sword. We can repair everything. King Arthur: No, not everything. This is my charge and my right. I will be known for more than defeating a stone. Merlin: Arthur, you cannot... King Arthur: Be quiet. We have intruders. Make them leave. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: Go on. It's time. Emma: Why will you not leave me alone? Rumplestiltskin: Well, how could we? We're here to witness something historical. Nimue: Rumplestiltskin's eyes are fine to look through most days, but I wanted to see this myself. Emma: You tried to keep me from doing this. Nimue: Back then, there was a chance that you would use Excalibur to cut away the darkness, but now you can douse the light instead. We are proud of you... All of us. Together: All of us. All of us. All of us. All of us. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Sizzling ) [SCENE_BREAK] ( Breathing heavily ) ( Emma sees the name written on Excalibur. ) Emma: Merlin. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Land Without Magic. 26 years ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Attendant/Merlin: Leave the sword alone. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: He told me not to do this when I was a girl. Nimue: And now you're a woman. Rumplestiltskin: Take the power. ( Dark ones whispering "take the power" ) ( Whispering stops )

Plan: A: Merlin; Q: Who drank from the Holy Grail? A: about 1,033 years ago; Q: How long ago did Merlin drink from the Holy Grail? A: a wizard; Q: What did Merlin become after drinking from the Holy Grail? A: Nimue; Q: Who was the woman that Merlin fell in love with? A: Vortigan; Q: Who killed Nimue's family? A: an obstacle; Q: What is Merlin's immortality to his love for Nimue? A: a sword; Q: What did Merlin and Nimue set out to forge the Holy Grail into? A: Excalibur; Q: What is the name of the sword that Merlin conjures? A: vengeance; Q: What does Nimue say she will take? A: two pieces; Q: How many pieces did Nimue break Excalibur into? A: Camelot; Q: Where do Merlin and Emma go to speak with the first Dark One? A: Emma; Q: Who does Merlin set out on a journey with? A: the Promethean Spark; Q: What do Merlin and Emma set out to claim? A: Zelena; Q: Who double-crosses the heroes and joins forces with Arthur? A: Arthur; Q: Who uses the broken Excalibur to command Merlin? A: the broken Excalibur; Q: What is the name of the broken sword? A: the suddenly enslaved Merlin; Q: Who does Arthur command to do his bidding? Summary: In flashbacks, it is revealed that Merlin drank from the Holy Grail about 1,033 years ago, begetting his transformation into a wizard, able to heal the forlorn of his thriving village, he becomes a Christ-like figure. He meets a distraught woman by the name of Nimue, whose village and family were slaughtered by a mongol named Vortigan . Over time the two fall in love, but Merlin's immortality is an obstacle. They set out on a journey to forge the grail into a sword, that will cut away his immortality. Using the Promethean Flame, Merlin conjures Excalibur, but Vortigan attacks them, apparently killing Nimue. However, Nimue had also drunk from the grail. Citing her newfound ability to take vengeance, she kills Vortigan, becoming the first Dark One, and breaks the sword into two pieces. Meanwhile, in Camelot, Merlin and Emma set out on a journey to speak with the first Dark One and claim the Promethean Spark; while Zelena double-crosses the heroes and joins forces with Arthur. Zelena imbues Merlin's name to the broken Excalibur, and Arthur uses it to command the suddenly enslaved Merlin to do his bidding.

Front of school Spinner: (To extras) Yeah, alright. Take it easy. Marco: (Walks up to Spinner sitting on steps) So... Spinner: So, what? Marco: Look Spin. Um... you didn't tell anyone, did you? Spinner: Tell anyone what? Marco: About what I said yesterday... (Spinner acts confused) At the café... (Spinner shrugs his shoulders, acting to be clueless) Man, after the date with Hazel. You know what I'm talking about! Spinner: (Laughs) Dude, I can't read your mind, so just say it. Marco: (Sits down next to Spinner) That I'm gay. Spinner: Oh that! Well, you know, maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. (Gets up and walks away) [Opening Credits] In hallway Ellie: (Walking down hallway with Marco) I'm sure he didn't tell anyone. Why would he? Marco: To make my life a living hell... (Cut to Craig and Jimmy) Craig: (To Jimmy) Alright, Spin asked us to keep it a secret until he's thought about it more, so you can't tell anybody, alright? Jimmy: Promise. (Ellie and Marco overhear) Ellie: (To Jimmy and Craig) Keep what a secret? Marco: (Says nervously) Yeah...what's the big news? Jimmy: Uh....okay, Paige is turning 16 in a few weeks, and Spin is planning a surprise party. Craig: Yeah, meaning you two can tell no one. Marco: (Feeling relieved, hugs Craig and Jimmy) Guys, I'll carry the secret to my grave, okay? (Walks away) See you in homeroom, huh? (Bumps into extra and apologizes) (Ellie walks away while giving a confused look to Craig and Jimmy) Media Immersion Lab Emma: (Knocks on window to Snake inside, waves, and walks inside) Hey! Just wanted to check in, see how you're holding up. Snake: Good! Well my last meal was 14 hours ago, so I'm a little hungry, but uh... (Looks at Emma's food and Emma jokingly hides it behind her back) I wasn't going to lunge at it...I'm not an animal. Emma: So my mom's picking you up this afternoon. Snake: For my biopsy, yes. And you can say Leukemia, too, 'cuz I don't have it yet. (Looks down and appears to be in pain) Emma: Maybe you should just go home. Snake: No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Besides, Manny's silent auction is at lunch. Nothing says jackpot like a personal (something) portrait. Hey look, what do you think? (Types on computer) He looks more like me, or Spike? Emma: (Looks at a blank screen on computer) He looks like a bunch of code. (Picture of Baby Jack appears, and Emma leans on Snake in a loving way) Snake: Actually, I'm gunna look a lot like Jack if Chemo has its way. Bald, bald, bald. (Emma stands up) In hallway Craig: (To Spinner and Jimmy) Why are they teaching us about soil erosion? I'm not a farmer! I'm never gunna be a farmer! Dylan: (Shows up and gives them tickets) Here are the tickets I promised! Craig, Jimmy, and Spinner: Nice! Dylan: You guys still coming to come see me play? Craig, Jimmy, and Spinner: Yeah! Dylan: Alright, see you tonight! Oh, remember, one of those is for Marco. Craig: Oh man, hockey, The Gardens...boy's night out! (Slaps Jimmy's hand) Jimmy: Boy's night! Spinner: Oo Hockey! Oo Boy's night out! Could you two be bigger "fags"? (They start walking down the hall) Jimmy: Okay...now I don't know who's a bigger weirdo today - Spinner, or Marco. Spinner: Marco. And he's not coming. (Craig and Jimmy exchange looks) What since when does Marco like hockey? He's doing some "gay" artsy thing with Ellie anyway. Jimmy: Uh, they broke up. Spinner: Right. Broke up. Funny. (Walks away) In Gym Jimmy: (To Marco) Marco, what's this idea about you bailing on us tonight? Marco: Bailing? Craig: Yeah, Dylan's game. You're chilling with Ellie, right? It's too bad man... (Marco gives Spinner an upset look) Mr. Armstrong: Alright, guys and your teams, I want you to spread out on either side of the net. This is a volleying drill meaning I want to see three successful volleys among your own players before putting it over. Let's get started... Marco: (To Spinner) So what now, huh? What? Are you freezing me up with guys? Spinner: Why do you want to come anyway? It's hockey, not ballet. (Walks under net) Marco: Dylan invited me! Spinner: Yeah, and that's the only reason you want to go - your big gay crush. Mr. Armstrong: You guys going to gossip or play? Let's go. (Throws ball to Spinner's team) This side serves first. (The ball is in play and makes its way to Spinner. Spinner then spikes the ball at Marco, and Marco falls down) Mr. Armstrong: Gavin, did I say to spike? (Spinner shakes his head) Craig: (Makes fun) Nice going Spinner! Mr. Armstrong: Then volley like I told you. Okay Matt, you serve. (Throws ball to extra) (Extra "Matt" serves the ball to Spinner, and Spinner spikes it again at Marco) Mr. Armstrong: Gavin, Change Room now! (Points to Change Room, starts walking there, and Spinner follows) Marco: (On floor) Good thing Spin spikes like a girl! (Spinner looks at Marco and walks away) In Front Foyer Snake: (Leaning against stairs talking to Liberty) Liberty, come on. Two dollars? Liberty: Okay, I guess I could go up to five. Snake: You can go up to ten! Come on, Manny's counting on me to bring in the big bucks! Manny: (Arrives) Even fifty bucks would be nice. (Looks at Mrs. H) Looks like someone's already there! Mrs. H: (To extras)...So why don't you place your bids and the highest bidders get to spend a day with me. We're going to the Science Center. It'll be a lot of fun, okay? Here you go. (Hands bidding sheet to extra) Snake: Alright...watch this. (Walks up stairs of front foyer to make an announcement) Degrassi...Degrassi! I issue you a challenge! Raise 250 bucks by this time tomorrow, and I'll shave my head right here in the foyer! (Crowd cheers) Make me proud people! In Bathroom (Spinner is writing something on the wall. Jimmy walks in) Jimmy: What's your problem with Marco? Spinner: What's my problem? (Points to "Marco is a 'fag'" which he wrote on the wall) That's my problem, okay? And its true. He told me himself. Jimmy: Marco's gay? Spinner: Yeah. And if you don't back off, (nudges Jimmy away) I may start to think you are, too. (Walks over to sink and washes his hands) Jimmy: So what are you gunna write next? Something about me being black? (They exchange looks, and Jimmy walks away) In hallway Ellie: (To Marco) Hey! I heard about gym class. You're not gunna take that, are you? Marco: (Opens his locker) What am I supposed to do El? Ellie: I dunno...get Dylan to use Spinner as a hockey puck tonight? Marco: Yeah. I'm not going. (Puts away his books) Ellie: Dylan invited you. You have to. Marco: Why? Ellie: Marco, come on. I'm not blind. Go to the game. Jimmy: (Arrives) You better be coming Del Rossi. Pizza at The Dot first, then a night of our national sport. Marco: But Spin... Jimmy: (Interupts Marco) Spin's an idiot. Okay, so come. Marco: Fine. But I'll meet you at the arena okay, 'cuz pizza and Spin... Jimmy: Always a bad combo. Marco: Yeah. Jimmy: Okay, I'll see you there. (Walks away) (Ellie pats Marco on shoulder and walks away. Marco leans against locker and thinks to himself) At The Dot (Paige walks in to greet Spinner, Craig, and Jimmy at table) Craig: Um, I thought this was boy's night. Paige: For you. For me it's "watch Dylan play hockey for the gazillionth time night." (Looks around) Where's Marco? (To Spinner) Spinner? Jimmy: Um, actually he's gunna meet us at the arena. (To Craig) Wanna go settle the bill? (Both Craig and Jimmy get up and leave) Paige: (Sits down) Okay, hun, get over it already. Spinner: Paige... Paige: I've been there with Dylan, and it's hard, I know. Spinner: Yeah, but Dylan's your brother. You had to deal. Paige: And you have to deal with Marco! Spinner: No, actually, I don't. (Gets up and leaves) Emma's House (Joey and Sydney brought food over for Snake) Joey: Okay, I think that's everything. Salad. Sydney's Seafood Jumbalaya. Sydney: I know, sounds suspect. But the mega 3 fatty acids will do wonders for Snake's immune system. Emma: Cool. Joey: Salad, bread, and dessert. (To Sydney) Okay, we should go before they arrive. Sydney: Right. (Door opens and Snake, Spike, and Jack arrive home) Snake: Ugh, that was a pain in the... (Sees Joey and Sydney) Surprise... Spike: What are you guys doing here? Joey: We just thought we'd drop off some food, and now we're gunna leave 'cuz we know you've had a hard day. (Sydney and Joey start to leave) Snake: No, what this? No it's nothing! Stay, Stay! Spike: Archie, come on. You're exhausted. Snake: No I'm not! Spike: Fine, but I want you to sit. Snake: Oh, sit, right. The biopsy was from my pelvic bone so, uh, I won't be complaining about hemorrhoids anytime soon. (Joey, Emma, and Sydney exchange looks) Snake: That was a joke! You know I'm not dead yet. Spike: Snake! Snake: What? What, we've got good food, my friends are here, and I just had marrow taken out of my butt. So sue me if I want to have a good time. Come on... (Turns on CD player) Let's get this party started! (Dances as Emma, Joey, and Sydney walk back over to the table) Smells great! (Hugs Spike) On a city street Marco: (Walking outside on the phone with Jimmy) Hey Jim! It's Marco. I got off at the wrong stop. I know! I just turned onto Church Street. I'll be there soon. Ciao. (Hangs up phone) (Marco soon realizes he is walking through a homosexual area of the city. He keeps walking and he notices a group of men outside. We see a man clench his fist. Marco tries to keep walking, but they surround him) Man: (To Marco) What? Are you, lost? Huh? Marco: No, actually I'm just meeting some friends for a hockey game. (Marco tries to walk by but the man pushes him back) Man: Boy's night out in boy's town, huh? Huh? (Men surround Marco. Marco looks terrified.) Marco: Uh, uh...yeah. Actually I think I can find it, thanks. (Marco is pushed) Man: I don't care what you want, "faggot"! (Takes off his jacket) Do you know what I want? Huh? (Knocks Marco's hat off and puts it on, then punches his hand in front of Marco's face) At hockey game (Dylan walks by crowd to get on the ice. Paige, Craig, Jimmy, and Spinner cheer for him as he walks by) Spinner: (To Paige) You're such a cheerleader! ("Accidentally" knocks Jimmy's popcorn out of his hand) Jimmy: Open your eyes! Spinner: Dude, it was an accident! Jimmy: No, it was you being a loser. Look if Marco gets here before I get back, don't let him out of your sight. (Walks away) Spinner: Yes, mom, I'll be nice to your girlfriend. (Joins Craig and Paige watching the game) Jimmy: (In aisle, dials Marco's number) In the park (The men are playing around with Marco) Man: You are pretty, aren't you? (Men laugh at Marco) Almost girl pretty. (Marco's phone rings) Man: Oh! I think that's his boyfriend! Answer it, answer it, come on! Answer it! Marco: (Answers his phone) Guys help me! I'm in the park! (Man knocks phone out of Marco's hand and it smashes to the ground) At hockey rink Jimmy: (Confused) Marco? Marco? (Walks out of the stands) In the park (Marco is thrown on the ground, and the men beat him up. Marco tries to fight it, but he can't. He tries to tell them to stop, but they don't listen. A police car arrives at the scene, and the men run away and leave Marco) Police Woman: Hold it! Stay right there! (Stops at beaten up Marco on the ground and comforts him as another police man chases after the men) At hockey rink (Jimmy tries calling Marco again but only gets his voicemail. He leaves the rink) [SCENE_BREAK] In the park (Police Woman and Marco are leaning against the police car. She is telling him he will be okay) Jimmy: (Arrives) Marco! Marco! Police Woman: Hey! (Holds him back) Jimmy: I'm a friend. Police Woman: Your friend's gunna be just fine. We'll get the creeps that did this to him. Jimmy: (Hugs Marco) It's okay. It's okay. It's alright. You're gunna be just fine. It's alright. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, okay? (Marco is crying) You're alright. You're gunna be okay. At school Manny: (On TV) Big news, Degrassi. Mr. Simpson's spur of the moment fundraiser - a huge success. So after-school in the foyer there's going to be some head- shaving goin' on. (Paige, Emma, and Hazel are in the hallway watching the TV) Paige: (To Emma) Nice to know someone in your family has a sense of humor, Emma. (Her and Hazel walk away) (Marco and Ellie walk by) Ellie: So you're walking through the gay village alone, at night, and you get " swarmed for your shoes"? Marco: That's what happened. (Looks at Ellie) Look, you don't believe me El? Whatever. Ellie: I don't. You should talk to the police. Marco: I did, last night! Ellie: And your parents? Marco: What don't you get, El? With Spin and after last night I am not telling anybody anything ever again! Ellie: So, what? You're just gunna pretend..." Marco: (Interrupts) No, I'm just...I'm just not gunna be anything, okay? Gay or straight. Ellie: And so what about Dylan? Marco: Ellie, just drop it, please! It's over. In the hallway (Dylan faces Marco through the glass doors. He opens the door for Marco) Dylan: Wow, they really did a number on you... (Tries touching Marco's face) Marco: (Hits Dylan's hand away) Yeah. (Walks by) Dylan: Marco! Marco: Look, I'm fine, okay? So just leave me alone. (Walks away) In front foyer (We see a crowd of people in the foyer and hear them chanting, "Shave the Snake!" Snake is sitting in a chair on the stairs and Manny runs down to meet him) Manny: Mr. Simpson, thanks so much for doing this. The Squad owes you. Snake: Yeah....a toupee. So, whose the lucky hairdresser? (Sheila the lunch lady arrives holding a garden utensil (or something)) Sheila: It's been ten years still (something) cod on the Grand Bay Princess. Hands steady as a surgeon. Snake: (Nervous) Okay... Sheila: (Gets behind him with the hair buzzer) Sit back. Relax. (She starts buzzing his hair off. We see Emma looking upset, and not seeing the head-shaving as a joke. We see Ellie video-taping the event. The crowd claps when Sheila is done, and Snake's head is bald) Snake: (Looking in mirror) Whoa... (Gets up) Thank you, thank you. (His phone rings and he looks at it and then Emma) Remember, guys, bald is beautiful. Thanks for coming out and supporting the Junior Spirit Squad Fundraiser. (Leaves the foyer) Manny: (To Emma) Even you've got to admit that was cool. (Emma doesn't respond) Okay, what now Em? How have I offended you this time? Emma...what is it? Emma: (Seeing Snake outside on the phone) Nothing. Manny: Then why do you look like you're gunna cry? Emma: (Crying) Home's not too good right now, okay? Manny: Is it the baby? Are your parents fighting? Emma: Snake is sick and it might be bad. But they're just doing tests. They're might be nothing wrong at all, right? Manny: Yeah, he's gunna be fine, Em. I know it. On basketball court (Jimmy shoots a perfect shot) Jimmy: (To Spinner) Didn't touch the rim, so sixteen to four, extra point (something) "mwa." Dude, I know basketball's not your game, but come on, at least try. (Spinner runs up and steals the ball from Jimmy and shoots a lay-up) Spinner: Ohhh, what's that? Sixteen to five? Jimmy: No it's not, because this is twenty-one we're playing. You shoot, and you score. (Shoots ball) No lay-ups. Spinner: Oh, well, we must follow all the rules to the letter or Mr. Teacher will get mad. Dude, you're worse than Marco. Jimmy: What's bugging you now? Spinner: The guy gets a black eye and it's the end of the world. (Spinner holds his eye and fakes crying. Jimmy then throws the ball at him forcefully) Hey! Jimmy: Look, you weren't there last night when I found him, okay? Spinner: Okay, calm down hero. Just relax. Jimmy: You're such a loser. (Picks up bag and starts to walk away) Spinner: Why? 'Cuz I'm not all broken up over Marco and his stolen dancing shoes? Look, if he would've walked to the game with us none of that would've happened! Last night was his fault, not mine! (Throws ball at fence) Outside Degrassi Emma: (To Snake) So, was it the hospital? (Snake nods) And? Snake: Better get used to the new look. My first round of Chemo is in a couple of days. Looks pretty sexy, I think. You know, get me some fancy duds, buy me a new sports car, I'll be stylin'. (Emma cries) Em...don't cry. (Gets up from bench) Don't cry. There's nothing to cry about. Emma: Snake, you have cancer. You're sick, and you're always just so calm, or joking, or shaving your head like nothing's wrong. Snake: Because I have to be like this, Emma, if I'm gunna beat it. Emma: And are you? Snake: Yes! I promise you, and Jack, and your mom. Yes! (Wipes Emma's tears) In boys bathroom Jay: (To Marco) Hey Marco, I always knew you and Dylan were meant for each other. (Jokingly kisses the air and walks away) Marco: What? (Marco walks over to where Spinner wrote about him, and sees it. Spinner walks in) Marco: No, huh? You didn't tell anybody my secret, did you Spin? Spinner: I don't need this. Marco: Man, all I did was tell you the truth! Spinner: I never asked you to! Marco: And just like I didn't ask to be gay. Or you didn't ask to like Paige, or Craig didn't ask to like Ash. Spinner: It's not the same! Marco: No...you get it easy. Spinner: Then stop being gay! Marco: Oh right, Spin, I'm just gunna go do that! Spinner: Well, why not? It's not like you've actually done anything yet! Not that I need to know. Marco: Spin... Spinner: And nobody else needs to know, either. I mean, you can try dating Hazel, for real. (Marco shakes his head) Why not?! Marco: Even strangers know, Spin. Last night wasn't about my shoes. Those guys, they knew! And they bashed me because they hate it. Just like you do! Spinner: Dude, that's brutal, but you can't compare me to those guys. Marco: Really? Why not? (Walks away) (Freeze frame on Spinner's face)

Plan: A: Spinner; Q: Who tries to cut Marco out of his life? Summary: Spinner tries to cut Marco out of his life after he learns that he is gay, and Marco wonders if he should keep it a secret from everyone else until an encounter with a group of homophobic guys shows him who his real friends are. Meanwhile, Snake gets sicker and finds out he has leukemia.

•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Buffy entering the living room. BUFFY: Mom? Joyce lying on the sofa. Paramedics working on Joyce. PARAMEDIC: I'm sorry, your mother's dead. Buffy reacting. XANDER: Anya, you wanna marry me? Anya staring at Xander as he holds out the ring. Buffy running across the platform on the tower, jumping into the wormhole. The gang gathering around Buffy's dead body. Xander reading from Giles's note. XANDER: 'I've gone. Not one for long goodbyes, I thought it best to slip out quietly. Love to you all, Giles.' Giles at the airport, turning away. WILLOW: There he goes. Giles's plane taking off. WILLOW: Guys, I need you on board here. XANDER: This is deep stuff, Willow. We're talking about raising the dead. WILLOW: It's time we stop talking. TARA: What if something does go wrong? WILLOW: I can do this. I promise. But not without you. The ritual at Buffy's grave. WILLOW: Osiris, here lies the warrior of the people. Let her cross over! Willow surrounded by orange light. WILLOW: Release her! Buffy's corpse regenerating itself. Scruffy Buffy in an alley, backing away from the Scoobies. WILLOW: It was Buffy, right? We saw her, and it was really Buffy. ANYA: I think we screwed it up. WILLOW: No! She's just disoriented from being tormented in some hell dimension. Dawn, Buffy, and Spike in the house. DAWN: She's been through a lot. SPIKE: What did you do? Spike and Buffy in the alley. SPIKE: I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment. BUFFY: Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. I think I was in heaven. I was torn out of there ... by my friends. Everything here is hard ... and violent. This is hell. She notices something, looks satisfied, walks over and stares upward. We see she's holding a wrench. BUFFY: So. We meet at last, Mister Drippy. Pan wider to reveal a pipe that's dripping water. Stairs to above are in the background. Buffy raises the wrench, climbs up on something and begins fitting the wrench to the pipe. Dawn appears from above, comes halfway down the stairs and sits on them. DAWN: Want me to call a plumber? BUFFY: (turning wrench with great effort) No. DAWN: You sure? BUFFY: Yes. DAWN: (holds up cordless phone) Got the number. Buffy turns to face Dawn, exasperated. BUFFY: Dawn, I'm on it, okay? Dawn shrugs skeptically. Buffy gives the pipe one last twist. The dripping stops. Buffy smiles with satisfaction. BUFFY: Ah. A beat. Groaning noises. Suddenly water begins to spray from a dozen different places all over the basement. Several jets of water spray directly on Dawn, soaking her. Dawn shrieks and runs up the stairs. Buffy stands still, sighs. BUFFY: There. All better. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Special Guest Star: Anthony Stewart Head. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Todd Stashwick, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Douglas Petrie and Jane Espenson, directed by Douglas Petrie. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the kitchen, day. Dawn stands at the door to the basement, looking down. Sound of running water. DAWN: Man. How much water can they fit in one set of pipes? Cut to wider shot. We see Willow at the center island pouring a bowl of cereal, Tara moving around the kitchen. In the foreground we see Buffy staring at the sink as if mesmerized. TARA: If I understand right? The entire city water supply. WILLOW: It's like little clown cars in the circus. DAWN: (sitting at the island) Told you we should have called the plumber. BUFFY: (still staring) You were right. The plumber will make everything good. Close shot of what Buffy's staring at. It's the kitchen sink. The faucet is running. The water drains out normally. Buffy continues to watch the water flow. TARA: Dawnie, you're not eating breakfast? Dawn looks around at the food, makes a face. BUFFY: (still mesmerized by the faucet) Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Dawn looks over at Buffy. Shot of Buffy's back (Dawn POV). BUFFY: (still distractedly) It's unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day. Another shot of the running water. Willow comes over and turns off the faucet, gives Buffy a concerned look. Buffy looks at her. DAWN: I'll, um, grab something before school. (Tara nods) Xander and another guy emerge from the basement. All the women turn to look at them. XANDER: And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito the Amazing, plumber extraordinaire. TARA: So how's everything looking down there? XANDER: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal. TITO: Basically, your pipes are shot. I mean, the whole system's gonna have to be replaced. What you need is a full copper re-pipe job. Willow comes over and Tito gives her a piece of paper. WILLOW: Full copper re-pipe? That sounds potentially pricey. TITO: Well, if you have any questions, our number's on the invoice. Tito pats Xander on the shoulder and exits. Dawn goes over to Willow, looks at the invoice before Willow pulls it away. DAWN: That's a weird phone number. Oh, wait. (to Xander) Is that the bill? XANDER: Hey. Tito cut you a good deal down there. Those are his bargain prices. I did a little haggling for you. BUFFY: Thank you. So we'll pay him, what's the big deal? The others exchange looks. WILLOW: Um ... Buffy, I-I know you're still getting back on your feet after... BUFFY: Lying flat on my back? WILLOW: Yeah. Uh, but there's some money stuff we're gonna have to talk to you about. Cut to the living room. Buffy sits on the sofa looking at piles of paper all over the coffee-table. She has some more paper in her hands. She gives a disbelieving laugh and throws the papers down. BUFFY: Okay ... so you're telling me I'm broke? We see Tara and Willow sitting across from Buffy, with Dawn in the background. WILLOW: Not yet, but ... TARA: Money's definitely becoming an issue. XANDER: As in your being almost out of it. We see Xander sitting beside Willow and Tara. Anya sits at a desk off to the side, writing something. BUFFY: But I haven't spent any money. I was all ... dead and frugal. WILLOW: I-I know, this comes as a bit of a shock after ... a bit of a shock, but ... it took us by surprise too. TARA: Your mother prepared everything really well. She had insurance ... (nervously) life insurance. XANDER: Which should have left you covered, but ... hospital bills. WILLOW: Pretty much sucked up all the money. ANYA: Which you're still hemorrhaging, by the way. BUFFY: (confused) How am I doing that? ANYA: No, not you, the house. Uh, see, this house, just sitting here, doing nothing, um, by itself costs money. DAWN: (worried) So, what do we do? BUFFY: Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. (Dawn continues looking worried) Plus, fire? Pretty. Everyone stares at her. BUFFY: You guys, I'm kidding. Okay, it's, it's bills, it's money. It's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world. She thinks about that for a moment. BUFFY: Which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at. Dawn still looks worried. BUFFY: (to Dawn) I'll take care of this. I promise. I ... just don't know how yet. Anya looks like she really wants to say something. She pauses, takes a deep breath, speaks too loudly. ANYA: I know how. Everyone looks at her. ANYA: Um ... i-i-if you wanna pay every bill here, and every bill coming, and ... have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn? (big smile) Start charging. BUFFY: (irritated) For what? ANYA: Slaying vampires! (Xander looks embarrassed) Well, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in. Awkward pause. Xander still looks uncomfortable. Anya doesn't pick up on it. BUFFY: (carefully) Well, that's an idea ... you would have. Any other suggestions? ANYA: (softly) Well, I mean, it's, it's not *so* crazy. DAWN: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives. ANYA: Spiderman does. DAWN: He does not! ANYA: Does too. DAWN: Does no- Dawn stops herself, calms down a little. DAWN: Xander? Anya looks at Xander. He continues looking uncomfortable. XANDER: (reluctantly) Action is his reward. Dawn gives Anya a "told you so" look. Anya looks annoyed, stands up. ANYA: (angrily) Why don't you ever take my side? She exits. XANDER: What are you talking about, taking your side? Anya, I *am* your side! Xander runs out after Anya. Willow watches them go with a small smile, then turns to Buffy. WILLOW: You're throwin' away a gold mine. Cut to the street. Anya strides angrily down the sidewalk. Xander comes down the steps and hurries after her. XANDER: Come on! Wait up. Anya! He runs in front of her. XANDER: What's wrong with you? ANYA: Why don't you ask your best friend Spiderman? You know, if you're not going to support me- XANDER: I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support! ANYA: No you're not. She looks down. Xander sighs. XANDER: This is because I haven't told them yet about the engagement, isn't it? ANYA: (scoffs) No. Maybe. Yes! (whines) It's painful and confusing! I mean, first you, you give me this beautiful ring (holds up the box with the ring in it) ...and then I can't even wear it in public. I mean, do you know how depressing that is? XANDER: Anya, I promise, your waiting days are almost over. I, I know it's frustrating ... but the way I understand this marriage thing, it's kind of a forever deal. ANYA: Not if you never get started. (softly) I mean, don't you want to get married? XANDER: Yes. ANYA: So then why won't you tell them? XANDER: (sighs, gestures) Because ... I'm still getting used to the miracle of a steady paycheck. And getting out of my parents' house. And this ... this husband thing ... it's a big step. Or ... a lot of little ones. And ... and I love you so much ... I just want ... every step to be just right. ANYA: (hopefully) Really? He nods. Anya walks up close to him and kisses him. They put arms around each other and continue kissing for a long moment. Suddenly Anya pulls away. ANYA: (yells) Hey! You tricked me! Just now, w-with your fancy talk and, and lips! You keep doing this, and I keep forgetting, and you keep stalling! She turns and stalks off angrily. XANDER: Anya! ANYA: (continues walking) When are you going to grow up, Xander? Xander stares after her. BUFFY VOICEOVER: There's a first time for everything is my philosophy. Cut to Buffy sitting in an office. There are glass windows through which we can see people moving around. Buffy wears a conservative skirt-suit and her hair is pulled back in a neat bun. She smiles widely. The next series of sentences are intercut together in separate takes. BUFFY: This is my first big loan. (cut) Collateral? No problem. (cut) No problem. (cut) No problem. (cut) I love that tie. (cut) I'm a problem solver. (cut) Let's crunch those numbers! The final cut finds her staring down at herself looking annoyed. BUFFY: (mutters) Stupid skirt. She turns as a man enters the office. Buffy puts on her biggest smile, stands. BUFFY: Hello. MR. SAVITSKY: Sorry to keep you waiting. Carl Savitsky. Loan Officer. He sits behind the desk across from Buffy. She sits also. BUFFY: Buffy Summers. Loan applier-for. He smiles but doesn't seem amused. Buffy plunges on. BUFFY: I, I didn't know exactly what you would need, so, um, I brought everything. (hands him a thick folder) I'm very responsible in that way. He begins looking through the papers in the folder. MR. SAVITSKY: Okay. I don't think I'll need this ... or these. Old report cards, definitely not. Buffy smiles nervously. He continues looking at the papers, putting most of them aside. BUFFY: So ... about my getting a loan. MR. SAVITSKY: Yes, well, uh, it looks as if, financially, uh, we have a bit of a tangle. BUFFY: I know. And I figured you could just, you know, cut through that tangle with scissors. You know, where the loan is the scissors? (makes scissors motion with her hand) MR. SAVITSKY: (still not amused) Ms. Summers, the only collateral you have is your house, which was never fully leveraged, and has been losing equity over the last several years. For some reason, Sunnydale property values have never been competitive, and ... re-financing's out of the question... Buffy's face falls as she realizes the news is bad. He gives her a little sympathetic smile. BUFFY: Are you saying you won't give me my loan? MR. SAVITSKY: Well, the problem is, you have no income. No job. Suddenly the body of another man crashes through the glass window and lands on the desk. Sounds of screaming. Broken glass everywhere. Buffy jumps up, looks out at the main bank area. People are running around screaming. A large demon stands in the middle of the room. He gives a loud roar. BUFFY: (to herself) No job? (pouts) I wish. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. The demon is roaring and throwing people around. BUFFY: (OS) Hey! The demon turns around to find Buffy behind him. BUFFY: Are you in the wrong line? (points) That's for deposits, (points) that's for withdrawals, and this one ... is for getting kicked in the face. She goes to kick the demon but can't move her legs. Pan down and we see that her long, tight skirt is restricting her movements. BUFFY: (worried) Stupid skirt. The demon hits her, hard. She goes flying back through the glass-less window and lands on Mr. Savitsky's desk. Mr. Savitsky pokes his head up from hiding behind the desk. Buffy sees a pencil-holder on the desk with only one thing left in it. BUFFY: May I? Mr. Savitsky nods. Buffy takes out the letter-opener. She uses it to cut a slit in her skirt, freeing her legs. Puts the letter opener back and gets up. The demon comes forward and Buffy kicks him back. She blocks a couple of punches, kicks him again. He surges right back and she blocks a couple more punches, ducks another punch, punches him in the face. Fight noises continue as we see a close-up of someone's hands grabbing the money out of the teller drawers and putting it in a bag. We don't see the person's face, just the hands. Cut back to the fight. Buffy raises her hands to swing, and the demon grabs her, lifts her up onto his shoulder. She kicks and hits his back as he carries her. Suddenly we hear a gunshot. Both Buffy and the demon look over to a bank security guard standing there pointing his gun at them. He looks very nervous. GUARD: Put the girl down. The demon throws Buffy at the guard. She crashes into him and they both fall to the ground. As Buffy gets up to a sitting position, we see a couple of other male customers attacking the demon and getting quickly beaten up. Buffy picks up the gun. BUFFY: (to guard) These things? Never helpful. She tosses the gun away. In the background the demon is still fighting off various other people. The gun hits the floor and goes off. Buffy and the guard duck. The demon runs for the door, shoving another guy into Buffy's path as she tries to pursue him. By the time she gets the guy out of her way, the demon has escaped. Buffy stares after him in frustration. Then she gives a determined frown. Cut to Mr. Savitsky's office. Buffy storms in, puts her hands on the desk which is still covered with broken glass. BUFFY: (panting) Now, about my loan. Mr. Savitsky slowly raises his head to look at her. He's still hiding behind the desk. BUFFY: I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything, but ... let's talk rates. Mr. Savitsky looks at her. Cut to: exterior shot of the Magic Box, night. WILLOW: (O.S.) He still turned you down?! That's crazy! Cut to inside. Buffy is punching the punching bag while Willow sits nearby talking. WILLOW: I mean, even if the bank did get robbed, which, you battling demons couldn't possibly know ... you would think there would be some kind of reward. Buffy continues hitting the bag hard and fast. WILLOW: But no, they're like, "Oh, we're not gonna give you money unless you prove you don't need it." I mean, what kind of system is that? BUFFY: (pauses) You're asking the wrong gal. She resumes punching. WILLOW: (surprised) Hey. (gets down, goes over to her) Buffy, you're mad. BUFFY: (stops punching) You noticed. (shrugs) It'll pass. (resumes punching) WILLOW: No! Anger ... is a big, powerful emotion you should feel. BUFFY: (stops punching) Well ... that's good then. Buffy stands there, steadying the punching bag with her hands. She shrugs. BUFFY: It's gone now. WILLOW: Okay ... uh, let me make you mad again. Uh ... ready? Um ... (thinks, gets an idea) Last semester, I slept with Riley. Buffy gives her a dubious look. BUFFY: And you know I really doubt it. WILLOW: Caught me. Big fib. To ... cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel. (smiles proudly) BUFFY: (frowning) Will ... what the hell are you doing? WILLOW: Pissing you off. BUFFY: Yes, true. Why? WILLOW: Well, 'cause, you know, since you've ... been back, you haven't exactly been big with ... the whole range of human emotions thing. BUFFY: (blankly) What do you mean? WILLOW: (fidgets) Well, you haven't ... no, I mean it's just, um ... (Buffy still looks blank. Willow gives up) You know, this is really ... my problem. (backing away) I'm just, I'm all over the place and, you should just, uh, forget I even said anything, cause, cause, (sits back down) well, 'cause you know... banks, man. Willow nods agreement with herself, looks at Buffy for agreement. Buffy just returns to punching. ANYA: (O.S.) Don't be such a wiener dog. Cut to the main magic shop room. Anya and Xander sit at a table with books open in front of them. ANYA: Look at them. (Shot of Tara and Dawn at the other side of the room, making a pile of books) Researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a ... peppy boost of happy news. XANDER: (nods, nervously) You're right. I'll tell them. He stands up halfway, reconsiders, sits back down with a glance toward the back. XANDER: As soon as Buffy and Willow come in. ANYA: (exasperated) Chicken. XANDER: Would you stop? ANYA: Dare you. XANDER: Anya. If I tell them we're engaged right after you dared me to ... wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it? Anya thinks about this, realizes he's right. ANYA: Oh. XANDER: Score one for Captain Logic. ANYA: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel! (lowers her voice as Tara and Dawn move toward them) God, I hate this. This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it! Tara and Dawn come over to the table and put down some more books. Tara sits. DAWN: Oh come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough? TARA: I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only fifteen. DAWN: Right, fifteen. As in *teen*ager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street. Tara sighs, hands her a book. TARA: Knock yourself out. DAWN: Thank you. See? (sits) No biggie. I can totally handle it. She opens the book and checks out the first page. DAWN: That's a weird place for a horn. She looks again, slowly closes the book. DAWN: (quietly) That's not a horn. XANDER: (quickly) You know, I still don't get it. I mean, what kind of a demon would rob a bank? ANYA: The kind that wants money. XANDER: What do you even call that? DAWN: This? She holds up a book, turned to a picture of a demon. DAWN: I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like "Mmm, cookies." XANDER: Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh...(lamely) Fashnik. Buffy and Willow emerge from the back room. Dawn holds up the book toward Buffy. DAWN: This your guy? BUFFY: (to Dawn) You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it? DAWN: Would you just look at the picture? XANDER: Doesn't exactly fit the profile for your typical bank robber. BUFFY: Maybe they turned down his loan application. (smiles at Willow, then looks at Dawn's book) That's him. Big bad. This thing was strong, guys. No weapons that I could see, but ... Buffy notices something across the room, stares that way as her mouth finishes the sentence on its own. BUFFY: ... still ... real ... dangerous. The others turn to see what she's looking at. Reveal Giles standing by the door, holding a couple of suitcases, staring at Buffy. Buffy stares back. Giles puts down his bags, comes forward. Buffy walks forward until they are face-to-face. GILES: (smiling) Oh God, Buffy. He hugs her. She hugs him back, closes her eyes. GILES: You're alive. You're here. And you're still ... (strained) ...remarkably strong. BUFFY: Huh? Oh. (lets him go) Sorry. GILES: Willow told me, but I didn't really let myself believe ... BUFFY: I take a little getting used to. I'm still getting used to me. GILES: It's, uh ... you're ... BUFFY: A miracle? GILES: Yes. But then, I always thought so. Giles puts his hand on Buffy's cheek and looks at her fondly. The others watch, smiling. Cut to: the street, night. The M'Fashnik demon walks along, growling softly. Cut to the workout room. Giles and Buffy stand facing each other, a little awkward. GILES: So ... (punches the punching bag lightly) BUFFY: I can start. How was England? (sits) How was ... life? GILES: Uh, I'm not really sure how to answer that. Um, well, I arrived home, I, uh, met with the Council. BUFFY: Always a good time. GILES: Yes. Otherwise, there's, uh, nothing really to report. I, um, I keep a flat in Bath. I, I, uh, met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is ... statistically impossible for a man of my age. He takes off his jacket, tosses it onto the sofa. BUFFY: And now you're back. GILES: Yes. BUFFY: Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British? GILES: (smiles, takes off his glasses) I can't lie to you, Buffy. (sits beside her) Um ... leaving Sunnydale was, uh, was difficult. And, uh, coming back was... BUFFY: I'm guessing the word is "inconvenient"? GILES: No. Bewildering. Buffy looks down. Giles puts a hand on her shoulder. GILES: And how are you? Really? You look tired. BUFFY: Me? Nah. Fine. Giles gives her a look and she drops the act. BUFFY: I mean, yeah, you know, sleeping's hard, but ... just because of the whole waking up in a box thing. So maybe waking up's the problem. You know, but just for a second. I sleep okay. Great even. Except, you know, for the dreams ... She trails off, looks away again. GILES: You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you. BUFFY: Well, actually, it wasn't me. Willow brought me back. I just lay there. GILES: You-you know -- I meant - BUFFY: I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy. Giles smiles a little. Buffy gets up. BUFFY: Well, I, I, uh, better start prepping. The slayage. She begins wrapping protective bandages on her hands. Giles stands up too. GILES: Yes, there is always that, isn't there? (picks up his jacket) BUFFY: Seems that way. Giles looks at her, leaves. Cut to the main magic shop room. Giles emerges from the back. The others are still sitting around the table, except Anya, who is standing. ANYA: Giles! Anya goes to Giles and gives him a big hug. He smiles. ANYA: We're so glad to see you. We missed you. (pulls back to look at him) You can't have the store back. GILES: I know. ANYA: You signed papers. GILES: I did. And, do we have information on this new demon that I suddenly find so desperately interesting? Giles gently moves Anya aside and goes over to the table. XANDER: That we do. WILLOW: This one robs banks. GILES: Oh. DAWN: I found him. (gives Giles the book) GILES: (looks at book) M'Fashnik. Oh. DAWN: Aha! Like Mmm, cookies. GILES: Uh, no, quite different, actually. TARA: You know it? GILES: By reputation, yes. They, they come from a long line of mercenary demons that perform acts of slaughter and mayhem for the highest bidder. XANDER: Well, it is the American way. GILES: Yes, but, uh, the question now becomes, what's out there powerful enough to control one of these things? Cut to: a basement somewhere. The M'Fashnik demon angrily shoves over a pile of boxes that look like they recently held computer or electronics equipment. He points a finger and speaks to someone we don't see. DEMON: We had a deal. You got what you wanted. Now give me what I want. The head of the Slayer. Now we do see who he's talking to: the Geek Trio. They are Jonathan (see episodes "Earshot," "Superstar," and others), Warren ("I Was Made To Love You"), and Andrew. They sit on beanbag chairs, each holding a stack of money. Behind them is a large TV. They look up at the demon in surprise. WARREN: Okay. JONATHAN: Sure. ANDREW: We can do that. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. The demon paces back and forth in front of the Geek Trio. DEMON: You hired me to create chaos and carnage for you. Told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magicks, the demon realms below. WARREN: We are. ANDREW: Yuh-huh. JONATHAN: We're like, Super Villains. They all laugh dorky super-villain laughs. DEMON: Which of you is the leader? ANDREW/JONATHAN/WARREN: (unison) I am. DEMON: I will kill the leader. ANDREW/JONATHAN/WARREN: (unison, pointing at each other) He is. DEMON: I will kill you all. JONATHAN: Wait! Uh! No fair! Jonathan gets up, goes over to confront the demon. JONATHAN: It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna. Jonathan waves money in the demon's face. Warren jumps up, comes over and goes to his knees beside Jonathan. Andrew does the same. WARREN: Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all. ANDREW: Uh, yeah, long live our noble lord and master. JONATHAN: You guys suck. The demon grabs Jonathan by the throat and lifts him off his feet. DEMON: You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you. Andrew and Warren snicker and grin at each other. DEMON: Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death. Andrew and Warren look alarmed, jump to their feet. WARREN: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, big guy, hey, let's back things up a parsec, okay. You kill us ... everybody loses. You let us live, we give you... DEMON: Give me what? JONATHAN: (choking) Name it! The demon drops Jonathan, who falls to the floor choking and gasping. He slowly straightens up. WARREN: Well, between the three of us, we can pretty much do anything. JONATHAN: Like, you want a spell to make you look super-cool to the other demons? (grins) I'm all over that action, my friend. WARREN: Or, just throwing it out there, robot girlfriend. Huh? For those long, lonely nights after a hard day's slaughter? DEMON: (interested) You can do this? Jonathan and Warren nod. ANDREW: Don't trust him. Robo-pimp daddy's all mouth. WARREN: Shut up, Andrew! You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci. ANDREW: You owe me, man. WARREN: Oh, or else what? You'll train another pack of devil-dogs to ruin my prom? Ha! Graduated! ANDREW: That wasn't me! How many times do I have to say it? The prom thing was my lame-o brother, Tucker. JONATHAN: Yeah, well tell him I was at that prom. ANDREW: Hello! Screen-wipe, new scene. (makes screen-wipe gesture) I had nothing to do with the devil dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude! Beat. Warren and Jonathan hold their angry looks for a moment, then break and grin at each other, nodding. WARREN: (grinning) That was cool. That was kinda cool. JONATHAN: (laughs) Remember, everyone was like, "Run, Juliet!" They all grin, nod at each other, laugh their dorky laughs again. DEMON: (roars) ENOUGH! The three geeks shut up, look scared. He advances on them, and they back up. DEMON: Nothing you can offer me will satisfy your debt to me. I don't want your toys, or your spells, flying monkey-demons. (yelling) I want the Slayer dead! ANDREW: (nervous) Okay. JONATHAN: (nervous) Done. WARREN: (nervous) One dead Slayer, coming up. Um, could you just give us a minute? DEMON: For what? WARREN: Well ... we just really wanna nail down the optimum method for us to wipe out the Slayer for you. The geeks turn away to confer together. DEMON: Make sure it involves ... pain. The demon grins evilly. BUFFY: (O.S.) I know they're ... so cute you could die, but... Cut to the Summers living room. Buffy stands holding up a pillow to Giles. The pillow case is decorated in bright kiddie patterns. On the coffee-table is a pile of similar sheets. BUFFY: ...it's all I got. GILES: (laughs) Think nothing of it. It's, it's, uh, whimsical. Giles takes the pillow, tosses it onto the sofa. Buffy begins unfolding a sheet. BUFFY: They were mine when I was little. Couldn't find the guest sheets. (quietly) Mom always did this stuff. Buffy kneels, tries to fit the sheet onto the sofa. BUFFY: They don't actually fit. Giles leans over, helps to make the bed. BUFFY: I blame the sofa. (stands) We need one of those pull-out kinds. The kind with no payments 'til two-thousand-and-infinity. GILES: What? BUFFY: Oh, it's ... just money stuff. (sits on coffee table) It turns out ... Mom left me some, and while I was dead, it got squandered on luxuries like ... food and clothing. GILES: (sits on sofa) How bad is it? BUFFY: Anya says pretty bad. I'm kinda taking her word for it. Actually, I'm kinda trying to not think about it. GILES: Sound policy. At least for tonight. BUFFY: Figured I'd put it out of my mind. You know, take a break. Get some perspective ... and then wake up at four a.m. terrified. Buffy moves to sit on the sofa beside Giles, holding the top-sheet against her chest. She sighs. GILES: Buffy, perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I mean, to return from some ... unknown level of Hell ... it's only natural that coming back ... will be a process. BUFFY: In the meantime, I'm scaring people. GILES: Well, that can take time, too. Buffy stares into the distance as Giles looks at her with concern. GILES: Well, if it's any consolation, life can be ... pretty overwhelming even for people who haven't been ... where you have. BUFFY: (softly) I guess. GILES: Look, tomorrow morning, you and I will sit down together and we'll go through everything. Every bill, one by one. We'll work it out together. Buffy looks at him. They gaze at each other. BUFFY: I'm glad you're back. GILES: Well, I'm glad you are too. Giles reaches out to put a hand on her shoulder, but she stands up and walks off before he can touch her. Giles sits there looking concerned, watching her go. JONATHAN: (O.S.) Are we really gonna kill her? Cut back to the Geek Trio conferring in their basement lair. JONATHAN: That's so sad. WARREN: (scornfully) Shut up, Whine-athan. ANDREW: But ... I, I don't want to kill Buffy either. JONATHAN: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times! Plus, she's hot. WARREN: It's her or us. I mean, we have to do it. ANDREW: We're talking about murder. WARREN: No, we're talking about staying alive, and since this is my mom's house, I think what I say goes. ANDREW: But aside from the moral issues, and the mess, we can get in trouble for murder. WARREN: Duh! You know, the last I checked, the authorities also frowned on bank robbery too. Genius! JONATHAN: I don't even know if we could kill Buffy. She's got super-strength. ANDREW: And, you know, killing people, this is not why we got together in the first place. JONATHAN: Yeah. We teamed up with one clear, super-cool mission statement. Remember? Flash-cut to the three of them in the basement, sitting around a table with cans of soda, playing a board game. WARREN: So ... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale? Andrew and Jonathan look at each other, shrug. ANDREW/JONATHAN: (unison) Okay. Flash back to the present. WARREN: Of course I remember. It was last month. JONATHAN: Then you know we have a mission! (points) Shrink rays... We see what he's pointing at. It's a whiteboard labeled at the top "TO DO" and including the following items: •Control The Weather •Miniaturize Fort Knox •Conjure Fake I.D.s •Shrink Ray •Girls •Girls •The Gorilla Thing JONATHAN: ...trained gorillas. Workable prototype jetpacks ... and chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that's the action I signed on for. ANDREW: Me too. Ixnay on the urder-may. WARREN: (frustrated) Vote. JONATHAN: Okay. Who's for not killing Buffy? Andrew and Jonathan hold up their hands, making the Star Trek "vulcan salute." They both look at Warren. Long shot of the three of them. We see the demon in the background still pacing and waiting for them to finish. Finally Warren gives in and holds up his hand too. ANDREW: Agreed. They all look relieved, give each other nervous looks. JONATHAN: So what are we gonna do about this Mm'Fashnik guy? WARREN: Ah, wait here. Okay, I got an idea. Warren goes over to the demon, puts his arm around the demon's shoulders turning him away from the other two. He reaches his other hand in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. WARREN: (whispers) Here's the Slayer's name, address, and telephone number. You wanna kill her? Make it so. The demon takes the paper with a low growl, leaves. Warren pats him on the back, turns around and sees the others watching him. Warren swaggers back over to them as they stare, impressed. JONATHAN: (awed) How'd you make him do that? ANDREW: What are you, some kind of ... Jedi? WARREN: (casual) The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded. Andrew and Jonathan nod and go "Hmm" in awe. Cut to: Summers house, night. Giles comes into the darkened kitchen with a towel over his shoulder. WILLOW: Hey Giles. Giles comes in, not smiling. WILLOW: (oblivious) You have a good talk with Buffy? Willow takes a box of cookies or something from the cupboard, goes to sit by the island. GILES: (closes the door behind him) Yes, now that she's back. WILLOW: (smiling) Isn't it awesome? GILES: (goes over to the sink) Mmm. (removes his glasses) Tell me about this spell you performed. WILLOW: (excited) Oh, okay, first of all? So scary. Like, the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this. She covers her eyes with one hand, peeks through parted fingers. Then drops the hand and grins. Giles looks grim. Willow continues, not noticing his expression. WILLOW: And, and, and this giant snake came out my mouth and there was all this energy crackling, and this pack of demons interrupted, but I totally kept it together. And then, the next thing you know? (triumphant) Buffy. She smiles proudly, takes out a cookie from the box and takes a bite. Giles has his back to her, doing something in the sink. GILES: (over his shoulder) You're a very stupid girl. Willow pauses chewing, slowly stops smiling and frowns. WILLOW: What? Giles... GILES: (turns to face her) Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed? WILLOW: I thought you'd be ... impressed, or, or something. GILES: Oh, don't worry, you've ... made a very deep impression. Of everyone here ... you were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature. WILLOW: Are you saying you don't trust me? GILES: (intensely) Think what you've done to Buffy. WILLOW: I brought her back! GILES: At incredible risk! WILLOW: Risk? Of what? Making her deader? GILES: Of killing us all. Unleashing hell on Earth, I mean, shall I go on? WILLOW: No! (stands) Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do. GILES: Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them. (turns away again) WILLOW: No, probably not, but ... well, they're the bad guys. I'm not a bad guy. (upset) I brought Buffy back into this world, a-and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations." GILES: Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel ... indescribably wonderful, but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive. WILLOW: That's not what I did, Giles. GILES: (angry) You were lucky. WILLOW: I wasn't lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren't even there. GILES: If I had been, I'd have bloody well stopped you. The magicks you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, (even more angry) and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur! Giles angrily grabs his towel and turns to leave. WILLOW: You're right. He pauses by the door, looks back at her. WILLOW: The magicks I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off. Giles stares at her, then looks away. After a moment, Willow relents. WILLOW: Come on, Giles, I-I don't want to fight. I ... Let's not, okay? I'll think about what you said, and you ... try to be happy Buffy's back. GILES: (quietly) We still don't know where she was ... or what happened to her. Cut to the back porch. Buffy stands there, hugging herself. We see her from the back. GILES: (O.S.) And I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged. Pan around to Buffy's front. She just stands there, looking blank. Suddenly a cigarette butt lands on the porch by Buffy's feet. She looks down, puts out her foot and grinds it out. BUFFY: (not looking up) Hello, Spike. We see Spike standing on the lawn. SPIKE: You hear all that noise? (looks toward the kitchen door) BUFFY: (nods) Just enough to make me feel crappy. SPIKE: You know watcher-boy doesn't mean anything by it. Spike comes closer, steps onto the first stair. Buffy shrugs. BUFFY: I guess. Everyone ... (long pause) they all care. They all care so much, it ... makes it all harder. SPIKE: I'm not sure I followed you around that bend, luv. (steps onto second stair) BUFFY: I don't know. I just, I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying to be okay, so they don't worry. It's exhausting. And then, I... She trails off, makes a frustrated gesture and then clenches her hand into a fist. SPIKE: And that makes 'em worry even more. Buffy looks at him, doesn't reply. Spike walks the rest of the way up onto the porch, comes to stand next to her. SPIKE: You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. After a moment Buffy smiles a little. Spike looks pleased. SPIKE: Knew I could get a grin. They exchange a look. Buffy moves forward, sits on the top stair, sighs deeply. Spike sits beside her. BUFFY: Why are you always around when I'm miserable? SPIKE: 'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days. They look at each other again. BUFFY: Me neither. SPIKE: That works out nicely then. They sit there quietly, staring out at the night. Long shot of the two of them on the porch. BUFFY: So what do you know about finances? Spike looks at her. Cut to: exterior shot of the front of the house, night. The front porch light is on, and one light upstairs. Cut to inside. Dawn comes down the stairs, wearing pajamas. GILES: (O.S.) Dawn? We see Giles in the living room, sitting on the sofa/bed, reading a book. He gets up. GILES: Couldn't sleep? DAWN: Not really. You? GILES: (smiles, indicating his book) Evidently not. (puts the book down) DAWN: You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you got in one bowl? GILES: (yawning) Does it work? DAWN: (shrugs) Gonna find out. Wanna come join the experiment? GILES: I'm an ideal control group. (walks closer to her) I find as you get older, that you lose patience with... (looks at something in the foyer) ...throwing up. Dawn turns to see what he's looking at. Shot of the inside of the front door. The doorknob is rattling and turning. GILES: (quietly) Is that locked? DAWN: (nervous) It should be. Suddenly the door smashes in, hitting Dawn. She screams as she goes flying back into the dining room. The M'Fashnik demon comes in, sees Giles, backhands him. Giles crashes into the stairs, smashing the banister, then falls to the floor. The demon turns, sees Dawn, who is still lying on the floor, looking fearfully at him. DEMON: You're not the Slayer. Dawn sits up and stares at him. DEMON: But you'll do for a start. He lunges for her. Close shot on Dawn screaming. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Dawn continues screaming as the demon rushes at her. Before he reaches her, Buffy grabs him from behind and pulls him back to face her. BUFFY: You're payin' for that door, buddy. She flings him into the living room. He lands on his back on the coffee-table, smashing it to pieces. BUFFY: Ooh! (winces) Table! The demon gets up, holding a piece of the table. He looks at it, tosses it aside. It smashes a lamp on a side table. DEMON: You have cost me, Slayer. BUFFY: I cost *you*? That's a designer lamp, ya mook! The demon charges her, grabs her around the waist and brings her to the floor in the dining room. She hits him, then kicks him off of her. He lands on the dining-room table, smashing some dishes. Buffy gets up and the demon kicks her, she stumbles backward and knocks into a side table. A glass vase falls, and Buffy catches it with both hands, looks at it in relief. The demon charges her again and she kicks him back while still holding the vase, then puts the vase carefully back on the table. She kicks the demon again and he falls back against the wall, smashing some picture-frames. Spike appears and grabs the demon from behind, wrestles him back. BUFFY: Spike, no! I want him in the kitchen! Spike holds the demon in the doorway and steps aside. Buffy gives the demon a serious kick in the chest and he flies backward through the door into the kitchen, flies across the room and bangs into the door leading to the back porch. The glass part of the door shatters. The demon growls, swipes at Buffy but she ducks and punches him. Spike follows them into the kitchen and watches Buffy hitting the demon. Buffy gets the demon in a head-lock. BUFFY: Open the door! (Spike looks confused) The basement! I'm taking him down. Spike opens the door to the basement and Buffy wrestles the demon through it. They both topple down the stairs, but Buffy manages to grab the banister and stop her fall as the demon continues falling, landing with a splash. The demon gets up and we see that the basement is still flooded ankle-deep with water. Buffy comes down the stairs and grapples with the demon again. They exchange a few punches. Buffy grabs a pipe for support, then kicks the demon back. The demon looks up, grabs a piece of pipe along the ceiling and breaks it off. BUFFY: (angrily) No! Water begins spraying again from the broken pipe. The demon tries to attack Buffy with the pipe but she grabs it, kicks him in the groin and then hits him with the pipe. He goes down with a big splash. Buffy begins hitting him with the piece of pipe, one stroke for each word. BUFFY: Full... copper... re-pipe! No... more... full... copper... re-pipe! Finally she stops. The demon is floating face-down in the water. Buffy drops the pipe into the water, looks up, sighs and pouts. Walks over to where the pipe attached to the ceiling is still emitting a steady trickle of water. She stares at it unhappily. SPIKE: (OS) Whoa. We see Spike standing at the top of the stairs staring down. SPIKE: Did you know this place was flooded? Buffy closes her eyes in frustration. WARREN: (O.S.) I think we have a lot to feel good about. Cut to the Three Geeks' basement lair. The bank money bags are lying empty on the floor. The lair has been fully furnished with chairs, rugs, etc. It looks very posh. We see Andrew setting up a periscope viewer, Jonathan doing something at a display case, and Warren fiddling with a piece of equipment that looks like a gun. Electronics equipment everywhere. WARREN: We got the money. We got the lair. And our one loose end has been taken care of ... (lifts his weapon) by the Slayer. He pushes a button and flame shoots out of the thing he's holding. WARREN: Flamethrower's up. Andrew manipulates the periscope controls. Behind him, on the TV, we see the periscope image. It pans across grass to reveal a woman kneeling on the lawn. ANDREW: Periscope's working. Jonathan closes the glass doors of the display case. A bunch of action figures are set up inside it. ANDREW: It looks like your mom's weeding tulips again. Jonathan turns away from the display case and folds his arms triumphantly. JONATHAN: Action figures? Fully deployed. Warren goes to sit in a chair, smiling. ANDREW: I still can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything. We could stay up all night if we wanna. WARREN: (sarcastic) Whoa, whoa, whoa don't get all crazy on us, Andrew. ANDREW: (pouty) I was only saying. JONATHAN: What are we gonna do about Buffy? You know sooner or later, the Slayer's gotta come after us. ANDREW: Bring her on. WARREN: We could, uh, we could hypnotize her. ANDREW: Make her our willing s*x bunny. They all laugh their dorky laughs again. JONATHAN: I'm putting that on the list! Jonathan goes over to the white-board. ANDREW: Is this the life or what? WARREN: Mm. ANDREW: I mean, here we got all the stuff we ever wanted... (we see Jonathan writing "Hypnotize Buffy" on the To Do list) and we didn't even have to... WARREN: Earn it? ANDREW: Exactamundo. JONATHAN: (turns away from whiteboard to face them) It's true, my friends. The way I see it ... life is like an interstellar journey. Some people go into hypersleep and travel at sub-light speeds... (the others nodding agreement) ...only to get where they're going after years of struggle, toil and hard, hard work. We, on the other hand ... ANDREW: Blast through the space-time continuum in a wormhole? They all nod and smile happily. JONATHAN: Gentlemen ... crime is our wormhole. Jonathan lifts a cigar to his mouth with one hand, with the other hand a flaming piece of paper money. He lights the cigar and takes a triumphant puff. ANDREW: But ... everyone knows... (Jonathan frantically blowing out the fire on the bill) if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths, plus a fraction of that wavelength? The coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure. Warren turns to face Andrew. Warren is wearing a virtual-reality headset that covers the whole top half of his face. WARREN: Dude. Don't be a geek. Cut to: interior Summers house, day. Dawn and Willow sitting on the sofa trying to fit together the pieces of the broken lamp. Pan across to show the destruction: front door standing open with a big hole in it, banister on the stairs broken, pieces of coffee table on the floor. Xander sits across from the sofa, trying to fix the coffee table. In the background Anya and Buffy sit by a desk looking at papers. Buffy's chair is held together with duct tape. BUFFY: This is going to take forever, isn't it? ANYA: Not forever. Just a very long time. Uh, here it is. (shows Buffy some papers) Your first approximation of your spanking new debt. BUFFY: (stares at the paper in dismay) I've trashed this house so many times. How did Mom pay for this? XANDER: For starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table. ANYA: Well, there's always that charging option. BUFFY: No! I will definitely ... probably not be doing that. Giles and Tara enter from the kitchen. GILES: Well, I know I'm back in America now I've been knocked unconscious. (Tara hands him an ice-pack) Thank you. BUFFY: Aw. Poor lumpy Giles. TARA: What do you think the demon wanted, anyway? Dawn jumps as the piece of lamp in her hands crumbles. TARA: I mean, aside from costing you a bundle. BUFFY: Don't know. Now he's way too dead to answer that question. Wish I knew who hired him. WILLOW: Ooh, I could do a locator spell... Giles looks up from holding the ice pack against his head, gives Willow a look. WILLOW: (stops smiling) Or not. XANDER: That's it. (drops the table leg) Four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee-table is gone. (melodramatically) Damn it! DAWN: Also, this lamp's in critical condition. (shot of Buffy looking worried) WILLOW: Well, uh, let's take these things out to the trash and give 'em a decent throwin' out. Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya pick up the various pieces of lamp and coffee-table, and exit. Giles walks over to Buffy, looking concerned. Dawn watches them anxiously. GILES: (sits next to Buffy) Buffy? BUFFY: (quietly) I don't think I can do this. GILES: Yes you can. Your mother dealt with this sort of thing all the time. (Buffy looks up) She took ... one crisis at a time ... without the aid of any superpowers ... and got through it all. So can you. BUFFY: You sure? GILES: I'm positive. Buffy looks slightly reassured. The phone rings. BUFFY: (gets up) Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here. (walks toward kitchen) I'll be back. Buffy exits into the kitchen. DAWN: (to Giles) I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So you think we'll starve? GILES: I very much doubt it. DAWN: No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop? GILES: Poorly-ventilated ... What have you been reading? Buffy returns, walking quickly and purposefully toward the front. GILES: Buffy, what is it? She turns back to face them, pauses for a moment before speaking. BUFFY: Angel. GILES: Is he in trouble? BUFFY: He knows that I'm ... (trails off. Shot of Dawn watching with concern) He, he needs to see me. I have to see him. GILES: Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow. BUFFY: (shakes her head) Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a, a place. GILES: I see. Well, we should get all these ... bills and things out of the way before- BUFFY: I gotta go now. She starts to leave, pauses and turns back again. BUFFY: Um, thanks for taking care of this for me. She exits, leaving Dawn and Giles staring at each other in dismay in the trashed living room. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon. THE END

Plan: A: financial problems; Q: What does Buffy face? A: Sunnydale; Q: What town does Buffy live in? A: a M'Fashnik demon; Q: What kind of demon did Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan send to kill Buffy? A: their biggest threat; Q: What do Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan believe Buffy to be? Summary: Buffy faces financial problems while Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan team up in order to take over Sunnydale. They send a M'Fashnik demon to kill Buffy, whom they believe to be their biggest threat.

[EXT. (VARIOUS) LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT] (A long taxi travels on the road.) (Quick flash of the MULLERS TAXICAB DRIVER'S PERMIT for Rajeeb Khandelwahl.) (There is a beautiful woman sitting in the back of the cab. The driver looks in the rear view mirror at the woman. He turns the radio off.) Woman: The last time I was out here, this was all desert. (She looks out the window and sees at the approaching gas station, a group of men with their bikes.) Rajeeb Khandelwahl (driver): One day, I'm looking at cactus; the next day a mini mall. What brings you all the way out here? Woman: Work. (She sees a young boy stagger out onto the street.) Woman: Stop! (The taxi cab driver tries to stop, but runs into the boy. The tires squeal. The men at the gas station look up.) Rajeeb Khandelwahl (driver): Miss, you okay? Stay here. (RAJEEB KHANDELWAHL gets out of his cab to see what happened. The young boy is under his tires, his insides spilled out into the road. The men at the gas station watch as RAJEEB KHANDELWAHL gets back into his cab.) Graham Cooper: Hey! (The group of bike riders rush over to the cab, open the driver's door and pull the driver out. The woman in the back seat is stunned by what she's seeing.) (The men continue to shout as they beat the driver up.) Bike Rider: Where do you think you're going? Bike Rider: Get out of there! (They push him to the ground and continue to beat him up until he falls back onto the road, unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks up toward the scene. BRASS meets him halfway.) Brass: Where's your posse? Grissom: I have no idea. I was actually on a date. Brass: Hmm? (DAVID PHILLIPS is kneeling next to the body with a clipboard.) Grissom: My god, what am I looking at? Brass: Taxi hit a kid crossing the boulevard. The crowd over there saw the driver Rajeeb Khandelwahl, trying to get away. So, they pull him out of the front seat of the cab and they beat him up. I mean, they ... they beat him up bad. He's on his way to Desert Palm. Grissom: His insides are on the outside. Did you move this body, David? David Phillips: No, sir. Brass: Auto detail hoisted the cab off the kid. David Phillips: Yeah, but supervised. No one's touched him. Grissom: Have you ever seen anything like this? Brass: What do you mean? Grissom: Well, how many hit-and-runs have you pulled? Brass: Too many to count. Grissom: How many times have you seen the victim's viscera exposed? Brass: (thinks about it) First time. Grissom: There's a first time for everything. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- ROADWAY] (DAVID PHILLIPS kneels over the body. GRISSOM sits on his kit and takes picture of the little boy. BRASS walks over to them.) David Phillips: My high school science teacher used to say that your small and large intestines could stretch across the Brooklyn Bridge. Grissom: But in reality? David Phillips: Only 25 feet combined. Grissom: Fiction is often more compelling.BRASS: We got the eyewitnesses lined up, ready to go. Grissom: Testimonials, Jim? I don't consider that evidence. Brass: But easier to clean up. (GRISSOM hands DAVID a bag. He stands up and joins BRASS. They make their way to the WOMAN who was riding in the taxi cab.) Grissom: Keep them all together, David. David Phillips: I'll tuck the viscera in the bio-hazard bag. Brass: Good plan. (DAVID starts to pick up the insides and put them in the bag.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and BRASS question the WOMAN.) Woman: I picked up the taxi at McCarran. I'm in town on business staying with my cousin who's a few blocks away. Brass: Did you see the pedestrian?WOMAN: Crossing the street. I don't think he saw the cab. Brass: Did the cabbie see him? Woman: No, he was looking at me. (Quick flashback to: RAJEEB KHANDELWAHL looking in the rear view mirror at the WOMAN in the back seat.) Rajeeb Khandelwahl (driver): What brings you all the way out here? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Woman: I think I yelled, "stop," but it was too late. Brass: And that's when Rajeeb, the taxi driver tried to leave, to drive away? Woman: No, no, no, no. He got out of the cab to see what happened and ... then he freaked and he got back in and he reached for his radio. That's when the guys attacked him. Brass: His radio? He wasn't fleeing the scene? Woman: No, he was calling for help. (GRISSOM looks into the front seat of the cab and sees the handheld radio out on the passenger seat.) Brass: Oh. Okay, what can you tell me about the men who attacked him? Woman: You always think you'll be a great witness but ... (Quick flashback to: The group of men converging on the taxi cab. All yelling and shouting. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Woman: There were so many of them and it happened so fast. (She shakes her head.) Woman: He was just begging for his life. (GRISSOM looks over at the bike riders laughing at the gas station.) Woman: I couldn't see their faces but I know it was them; all of them. They were the only ones around. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADSIDE GAS STATION - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS questions the MOB MEMBERS at the gas station near the accident site.) Joey Gillman: We're heroes, man. Barry Lawrence: They have no respect for our laws. Brass: Who? Graham Cooper: The damn cabbie! Brass: Why, because he's not from Vegas? Claude Allen: No, because he's not from here, this country. Brass: Oh, and you know that because you saw his birth certificate? Graham Cooper: We didn't exactly need to see it. Brass: Tell me what you did see. Graham Cooper: He hit the boy. (Quick flashback to: The taxi cab hitting the boy. The boy hits the taxi cab hood, then falls off in front of the cab and onto the road. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Joey Gillman: Then he hits his brakes, and I figured he's going to stop and do the right thing. Claude Allen: Instead, he jumps back into his cab. Barry Lawrence: Hey! If it weren't for us, he'd have gotten away. Graham Cooper: Citizen's arrest, yo! Bill Kendal: People are going to want our autograph. Grissom: I don't want your autograph, but I would like a photo and a bit of your DNA. Brass: So line up. Bike Rider (unknown): What?! Brass: Look, the guy that you "arrested" is in critical condition. That makes you all suspects in a battery ... Graham Cooper: Figures. We do something good, you guys try to turn around and pin it on us. Joey Gillman: Yeah, if we were wearing badges you'd be throwing us a ticker tape parade. Brass: If you're wearing badges, I'm playing left-wing in the NHL. Claude Allen: I know my rights. I don't have to give you squat.BRASS: Oh yeah, you're the lawyer. Let me tell you how this goes down if you don't cooperate. You all get a free ride in the cruiser down to the station where I hold you there until the warrants clear. So what's it going to be? It's your choice. Line up ... single file. (GRISSOM steps up and looks at CLAUDE ALLEN.) Grissom: Say, "cheese." (He takes the picture. JOEY GILLMAN sighs. GRISSOM shows CLAUDE ALLEN the swab and takes a sample.) Grissom: Open up, please. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - RAJEEB'S ROOM -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM is at the hospital talking with the NURSE.) Nurse: He's critical. Ruptured spleen, collapsed lung, fractured ulna, possible intercranial bleeding. Doctors are still waiting on the labs. Grissom: Do you have his clothes? Nurse: His personals are bagged -- top shelf. They're ripped up pretty bad. Grissom: That's good. That'll help. Nurse: He said he killed a boy -- ran over him? Grissom: Did he say anything else? Nurse: No, that was it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG puts his stuff on the table. GRISSOM is standing in the lab holding a bag of evidence.) Grissom: Gene Rayburn. Greg: What? Grissom: Point of reference. Greg: Uh ... Match Game ... Nipsey Russell, Fannie Flagg game show network. Look, I don't have time for your humor. Ecklie's got a multiple, Warrick tells me his home invasion is my top priority and I'm still backed up on Catherine's no-suspect rape. One servant, many masters. You know what I'm saying? Grissom: Greg, this is your DNA lab. You are the master. We serve you. Greg: Well, your stuff just moved to the top of the pile. (GRISSOM smiles.) Greg: What do you got? Grissom: Individual DNA from a mob attack on a cabbie ... and the cabbie's clothes. (GRISSOM puts the evidence package on the table.) Greg: "Get ready to match the stars." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the room.) Grissom: Okay, Doc, tell me something I don't know. Robbins: Okay. In fourth grade, I dropped out of karate class because a kid half my size made me cry. (ROBBINS smiles.) Grissom: About the body. Robbins: No pedestrian fracture. Almost without exception, when a pedestrian's hit by a car, there's certain expected wounds in his lower extremities most significantly the pedestrian fracture. (Quick CGI POV to: The side view of a car hitting a person and the x-ray view of the impact where the bone breaks. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: Tip of the triangle always points in the direction the car was moving. His tibia's intact. (Quick CGI POV to: The camera moves down to the body's leg, through the skin, down to the bone and across the length of the bone to show that it's in tact.) Robbins: (V.O.) In fact, there's no bruising to the lower extremities. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, no fractures, no bruising. Cause of death? (Quick camera close up of the boy's chest to show bruising.) Robbins: Chest was crushed. Multiple rib fractures and hence the white bucket you and David filled with his intestines. They literally popped out. Grissom: So he wasn't hit by the taxi; he was run over? (Quick flashback to: The taxi cab literally runs over the boy. The body goes under the car's wheels. The taxi's tires screech. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: Well, he would've died anyway. (He pulls the sheet aside to show an abdomen wound.) He was stabbed. Clean incised wound to the abdomen. Five inches deep. (Quick CGI POV to: ROBBINS mimics plunging a knife into the wound. The camera shows a black gloved hand plunging a knife into the skin. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: So how much time elapsed between when he was stabbed and when he encountered the taxi? Robbins: I can't give you an exact time frame except to say it wasn't immediate ... and before you ask, we don't have an ID, but missing persons called. A woman called and said her son didn't come home last night. She's on her way in. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- DAY] (At the cordoned off crime scene, a Yukon drives up. SARA gets out of the car.) Sara: You know you pulled me away from a forensic anthropology seminar, right? It's required. It's part of the continuing education program. Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but everyone seems to have something to do today. I have a teenager who was run over by a taxi. He wasn't hit by it; that's not what killed him. He was stabbed, fatally. For now, I have no ID, no suspects and no primary crime scene. I need you. (SARA smiles.) Sara: How can I help? (GRISSOM lifts the crime scene tape and holds out a stack of evidence markers. SARA takes the markers and enters the crime scene.) (They each go off in a direction and start looking for evidence. SARA finds a blood stain on the ground and places evidence marker #1 next to it.) (GRISSOM kneels down next to his kit.) (She walks several steps away in the direction of the spatter and finds another blood stain on the sidewalk and outside the crime scene taped off area. She places evidence marker #2 next to it.) Sara: Hey, Grissom? (GRISSOM looks up at SARA. He stands up and walks over toward her.) Sara: The directionality of this drop is facing the boulevard. I think the primary crime scene is ... this way. (GRISSOM takes a picture of the blood drop.) (Camera POV of: Blood Drop #2; Marker Note reads: S.S. #2 / 12-02-02. With "N" and an up arrow. Camera info reads: 125 f15p [2].) (GRISSOM looks back at the scene. SARA takes a couple of steps onto the sidewalk and finds another blood drop. She places evidence marker #3 next to it.) (SARA stands up and looks at GRISSOM.) Sara: Blood trail. Grissom: Want to go for a walk? (SARA smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- SIDEWALK -- DAY] (Scene opens on a close up of evidence marker #3. Camera moves up and shows evidence markers #4, #5, #6, #7 and #8 already on the ground. Some distance away, SARA puts evidence marker #9 down on the sidewalk. GRISSOM hands her the note card and takes a picture of the blood drop.) (Camera POV of: Blood Drop #9; Marker Note reads: S.S. #9 / 12-02-02. With "N" and an up arrow. Camera info reads: 125 f16p [6].) (SARA removes the card and they continue down the sidewalk.) FAST FOWARD TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- SIDEWALK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (They find another blood drop and place evidence marker #18 next to it.) (GRISSOM takes a picture of it.) FAST FORWARD TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- SIDEWALK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (They find another blood drop and place evidence marker #31 next to it.) (SARA marks the note card and places it next to the blood drop. GRISSOM snaps a picture of it.) (It's getting later in the day. Thunder rolls overhead. They pick up their things and continue down the sidewalk.) FAST FORWARD TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- SIDEWALK -- DAY] (GRISSOM snaps a picture.) (Cut to: SARA puts down evidence marker #49 next to the blood drop. GRISSOM snaps a picture. SARA picks up her things and they continue down the sidewalk.) FAST FORWARD TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CRIME SCENE -- SIDEWALK -- DAY] (SARA puts down evidence marker #54 next to the blood drop near the edge of the sidewalk. GRISSOM snaps a picture.) (SARA puts down evidence marker #55 next to the blood drop at the edge of the sidewalk.) Sara: Blood leads into the grass. Trail's obscured. (GRISSOM looks around.) Grissom: Okay. So, where do we pick up the trail? (SARA looks around at the playground equipment.) Sara: Well, vic's in his teens ... probably wasn't on the playground. My money's on the basketball court. (GRISSOM looks at SARA and approves. They head for the basketball court.) (They reach the basketball court and start looking on the ground for evidence. GRISSOM looks around the court.) Grissom: He crossed Lake Mead Boulevard at 8:15 and it gets dark at 5:00. Sara: He was here after dark. Grissom: And I don't see any lights. (SARA sees something.) Sara: Droplets and castoff. This is our primary crime scene. (GRISSOM looks around.) Grissom: So, maybe the killer tossed the knife. It's a big dump site. Sara: Yeah. I'll, uh, order up some scent dogs ... get some uniforms. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (ROBBINS opens the cabinet and pulls out the table with the body on it. He lifts up the sheet. JAN BRANSON looks down at her son and gasps.) Jan Branson: That's him. That's my boy. Robbins: I'm so sorry. (ROBBINS puts the sheet back.) Jan Branson: How did something like this happen? He's only 14 years old. Robbins: Mrs. Branson, I'm afraid you'll have to talk with the detectives. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA is sitting at the table with an evidence bag open in front of her. WARRICK walks out of the cage.) Warrick: Hey, Sara. Sara: Hey. Warrick: You working that case where some mob beat up an Indian cab driver for hitting a kid? Sara: Cabbie didn't actually hit the kid. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Warrick: You think it was racially motivated? Sara: Yeah, I do. White mob, white kid, dark-skinned cabbie -- I don't like the math. Warrick: Yeah. We got to wait for the science, don't we? Sara: I'm trying. Warrick: That's the job. Good luck. (WARRICK leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE] (An OFFICER walks by BRASS' door.) Joe: Captain, there's a Mrs. Branson here to see you. Brass: Oh good. Send her in, Joe. Thanks. (BRASS stands up as JAN BRANSON walks into the office.) Brass: Mrs. Branson, thank you for coming in ... (They shake hands.) Jan Branson: Have you arrested that taxi driver? Brass: He's in intensive care. Jan Branson: (yelling) How did he not see my son? That's a well-lit intersection. My son is five foot six! Brass: Please, Mrs. Branson ... please, sit down. (JAN BRANSON sits down.) Brass: Um ... (He clears his throat.) Brass: Your son was stabbed in Haskell Park and you live on Loring Avenue. My best guess is that he was on his way home when the accident occurred. Jan Branson: No, I don't understand. Brass: The taxi didn't kill your son, but someone did. (JAN BRANSON is shocked at this information.) Brass: Did Todd have any problems that you're aware of? Did he have any problems at school? Jan Branson: No, no, nothing like that. He's a ... he's a great kid. He's-he's athletic. He's popular. He's, uh, he's a good student. We-we moved here from Portland nine months ago. He fit right in. Brass: Did you know he was in the park after sundown? Jan Branson: No. I thought he was at a friend's for dinner. He was supposed to call me, but you know teenagers. Brass: (nods) Yeah, I do ... and they don't often confide in their parents, I know. Jan Branson: Uh, I've been on the run from my ex-husband. He's threatened to kill me and my boys. I just try and stay one step ahead of him. Brass: When was the last time you saw him? Jan Branson: In Portland. He showed up outside of Todd's school. The boys and I were on a bus that evening. You know, a couple days ago, the phone rang. I answered it. It was him. I don't know how he found us here ... but this weekend, the boys and I were going to disappear. Brass: Why didn't you call the police? (She looks at BRASS and doesn't say anything.) Brass: Because you knew we couldn't protect you. (She swallows and nods ever so slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK -- DAY] (SARA takes out the boy's clothes and lets the dogs smell them. GRISSOM checks the area with a metal detector. The metal detector beeps and hums as GRISSOM finds something next to the tree.) (SARA looks up. She approaches GRISSOM.) Sara: What have you got? Grissom: You got the gloves on. (SARA pushes the leaves aside and finds the weapon.) Sara: Looking for a knife; uncover a gun. Grissom: What is happening to our parks? (SARA looks at GRISSOM.) (Off in the distance, the dogs start barking at something in the bushes. SARA puts the gun down and goes to check on the dogs. GRISSOM calls an officer to aid him.) Grissom: Officer ... (The dogs definitely found something in the bushes. SARA and GRISSOM go to check it out.) Sara: Back the dogs off, please. (SARA kneels down.) Dead body found twenty yards from where our vic was knifed. You think they're related? Grissom: Well they're related by geography ... but for now it's just a dead guy in the park. (GRISSOM looks a the body, SARA turns to look at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA empties the evidence bag on the table. Inside is the victim's jacket. She tests the jacket for GSR.) Sara: Hey. Catherine: Hey. Sara: I thought you had a couple days off? Catherine: I do, but I left these on my desk. (shows SARA the tubes of wrapping paper) I'm on my way to Circus Circus with five nine-year-olds. It's Lindsey's birthday. Got to wrap a Bridal Barbie. Sara: What's a Bridal Barbie? Catherine: Funny. Oh, blue ... gun shot residue. Sara: On our stabbing victim's jacket. Catherine: So it means that he may have fired the revolver that you and Grissom found in the park? (Quick CGI POV to: A revolver being shot and the residue flying backward and adhering to the jacket. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Sara: Yeah. Too bad GSR testing can't tie the vic to a particular gun. Catherine: Right. Hmm ... but maybe Grissom can. Sara: Grissom? Catherine: Yeah, I just passed him in ballistics. He was meditating on your revolver. Didn't even look up. Sara: (smiles) Excuse me. (SARA stands up and leaves the lab.) Catherine: Mm-hmm. Sara: Have fun. Catherine: Thanks. (CATHERINE smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM is looking through the scope when SARA walks in.) Sara: You know, you could've waited for me. (GRISSOM lifts his head and pushes away from the scope.) Grissom: Take a look at this. (SCOPE VIEW) Sara: Looks like burnt skin. Grissom: I think maybe someone palmed the cylinder gap. (Quick CGI POV of: A hand over the barrel of the revolver as its being fired. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Sara: Todd Branson had GSR on his jacket. If we could get his DNA off this revolver we could tie him to this. Grissom: Burnt skin is useless for DNA. Sara: Yeah, but, what about sweat? There's a 17% chance of DNA recovery from the shooter's perspiration. Grissom: 17%? Sara: Yeah. New paper out of Australia. You haven't seen it? (reciting) 17% chance of DNA recovery from the grip of a gun, 67% chance from a cigarette, 32% chance from the brim of a hat. Would you like a copy? Grissom: I don't need one. I have you. (beat) Swab the pistol grip; get it to DNA. (GRISSOM stands up and walks away. SARA sits there staring in the direction GRISSOM just left. She shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (GRISSOM walks into the room. ROBBINS is working on the body found in the park.) Grissom: Albert, did you notice if Todd Branson had any burn marks on his palms? Robbins: No. Grissom: What about this guy? Robbins: Negative. What are you looking for? Grissom: A specific injury. Robbins: Well, I can't help you with burns but you'll want to check out this guy's right palm. (GRISSOM lifts up the palm and finds a knife wound.) Grissom: An incised wound. Well, that's a common injury sustained by knife-wielding killers. (Quick flashback to: The hand carrying the knife stabs a person. The hand opens to show the wound. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: So assuming that this is the man who stabbed Todd Branson, what killed this guy? Robbins: A bullet. It's lodged in the left ventricle. (ROBBINS peels back the outer skin to show the bullet inside.) Robbins: I was contemplating my method of extraction when you arrived. Grissom: You reach in and pull it out. Robbins: Not if it's only a jacket fragment. Grissom: Maybe a frangible bullet designed to fragment on impact? Robbins: That would explain the mystery of the shattered femur. It's covered in copper dust. (GRISSOM leans over and checks out the body's leg.) (Quick CGI POV of: A bullet approaches the femur and pierces through the clothes and the skin. The bullet shatters when it hits the bone. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: I'll remove the heart, peel back the myocardium and get you what's left of that bullet. (GRISSOM walks up to the x-rays.) Grissom: Did he have a dislocated shoulder? Robbins: Yeah, torn musculature, but no inflammatory response. Grissom: It happened postmortem? (The door opens and DAVID PHILLIPS sticks his head inside to report to ROBBINS.) David Phillips: Excuse me, I'm headed over to the hospital. Taxi driver didn't make it. (He leaves and the door closes behind him.) Robbins: (sighs) Another one for my table. Grissom: Emerson once said "The mob is man voluntarily descending to the nature of the beast." The beast is up for murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRANSON RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY -- DAY] (ERIC BRANSON plays basketball in his driveway. BRASS walks up to him.) Brass: Hey, buddy, how's it going? (BRASS holds out his hands for the basketball. ERIC tosses it to him. BRASS catches it and holds it.) Brass: I'm Detective Jim Brass from Las Vegas Police. Is your mother home? Eric Branson: (shakes his head) No. Brass: What's your name? Eric Branson: Eric. Brass: Sorry about your brother, Eric. Eric Branson: Mom's out getting more boxes. Brass: Yeah, she said that you were moving. Where are you going to? (he shrugs) You know, when I was a kid we moved around a lot. It's not easy. So you're going to be seeing your dad? Eric Branson: My dad's dead. Died when I was two. Brass: Hey, Eric, will you do me a favor? (BRASS hands the basketball back to ERIC.) When you see your mom ask her to give me a call, okay? (BRASS gives ERIC his business card.) Eric Branson: Okay. Brass: Take care. (BRASS leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the lab. BOBBY DAWSON looks through the scope.) Grissom: Is that the frangible? Bobby Dawson: Yep. These were originally used in indoor shooting ranges where lead buildup's a problem. Copper's less toxic than lead. Take a look. (BOBBY steps aside to let GRISSOM look.) Bobby Dawson: On the left, bullet from the vic's heart. On the right, bullet test-fired from the revolver recovered at the scene. Grissom: Oh, serendipity. Bobby Dawson: Yep. (SARA walks in.) Sara: Hey. Bobby Dawson: Hey. Just made a match to your revolver. Sara: Nice. I ran the serial number through NCIC. It's registered to a Jonathan Raurk of San Jose, California. (GRISSOM looks up from the scope.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM question JAN BRANSON.) Jan Branson: John's my ex. Is he in Las Vegas? Brass: Well, we, uh ... we found a gun registered to him in the park where your son was murdered but when I spoke to your son Eric he told me that his father died years ago. Jan Branson: That's what I told both my boys. I told them that John was killed in a car accident. It's not easy to lie to them like that but every time I move I have to make up some crazy story. I just want them to be able to sleep at night. Grissom: Ms. Branson we also found a dead body in the park -- a white male in his mid-30s. Jan Branson: You think it's John? Grissom: We have no ID, but we have a photograph. (GRISSOM hands the photograph to JAN BRANSON. She looks at it and recognizes it instantly.) Jan Branson: No ... no, this ... this isn't John. This isn't my ex. This is Stewart. It's Stewart Bradley. He's my boyfriend. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PARK -- EVENING] (SARA walks around the park looking for evidence. She kneels down and finds some groves in the dirt. She follows the groves to the bushes.) (She puts her flashlight down and takes some pictures. She follows the groves and takes more pictures. She looks at the bushes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Back at the lab, SARA pours over a large topview map of the park and surrounding site spread out on the table.) (GRISSOM walks in carrying a file. He leans over the map next to SARA.) Grissom: Where have you been? Sara: I went back to the park. I kept thinking there must be some physical evidence connecting the stabbing to the shooting. (Camera close up of the park map that shows the places where they found the Cast Off, The Body, The Gun and The Drag Marks.) Grissom: Drag marks? Sara: Leading from the basketball court to Stewart Bradley's body. We know Todd was bleeding but there were no blood drops around the drag marks. Grissom: So you're thinking someone else was there? Now, the revolver was registered to the boy's biological father but they haven't seen each other in ten years. Sara: Assuming Todd fired the gun, how did he get ahold of it? Grissom: Well, maybe dad gave it to him behind mom's back. Sara: Or ... maybe Todd wasn't the shooter. Grissom: True. Presence of GSR only places Todd in the vicinity of the gunfire. Sara: And since there were no burn marks on Todd's palms, evidence is suggesting someone else fired that gun. Grissom: Which brings us back to dad. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (BRASS questions the Ex, JONATHAN RAURK.) Brass: You know something, John, you don't scare me. According to your ex-wife, you're some kind of monster -- threatening her life, setting her car on fire in Boston breaking and entering in Chicago, showing up at your kid's school in Portland ... I don't know, I mean, I thought maybe you'd be like the guy in "Sleeping with the Enemy". You're more like Gumby, aren't you? Jonathon Raurk: Look, if this is about my ex ... cop pulled me over outside Moapa. Jane lives in Vegas. I didn't violate any damn court order, all right? Brass: You know where she lives. Jonathon Raurk: Is that a crime? Brass: Yesterday, your son Todd was murdered and that is a crime. (JOHN stops at the news. He's dazed for a moment.) Brass: Hey! John, baby I'm not talking about the weather here, man. I'm talking about your son. Jonathon Raurk: I haven't seen that kid since he was in his diapers. [OBSERVATION ROOM] Jonathon Raurk: Geez, I didn't kill him, if that's where you're going to. Brass: Hey, what about Stewart Bradley? You know? Yesterday, he was murdered, too. He was shot with your gun. [INTERVIEW ROOM] Jonathon Raurk: Which one? Brass: Revolver. Smith & Wesson. Jonathon Raurk: No, I don't have a Smith & Wesson. Brass: It's registered to you, John. Has your name on it. Jonathon Raurk: That got stolen. Brass: Oh, you file a police report? But I know, you're busy. You forgot. That's okay. You know what I think happened? Here's what I think. You called up Todd, you said, "Hey, Todd. Why don't you meet me down at Haskell Park? You know what? Why don't you bring mom's new boyfriend along?" Jonathon Raurk: No, no. Come on, man, whoa, whoa, hey. You know what? Last night, I was at Taos, New Mexico, okay? I didn't cross over until ... it was the afternoon in Nevada. Check it out. Adobe Inn. Watched pay-per-view and I had a pizza, okay? (JOHN tosses the receipt at BRASS. BRASS looks at it and sighs.) (GRISSOM knocks on the interview room door and walks inside.) Grissom: May I see your hands, please? Brass: You better do what he says. He's in crime lab. (JOHN holds out his hands. GRISSOM looks at them. He turns to BRASS.) Grissom: Can you hold him? Brass: He's got some unpaid speeding tickets. There's warrants that have been issued. Is three days good enough? Grissom: For now. (GRISSOM turns to leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/LOUNGE] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway. He walks straight into the lounge where WARRICK and SARA sit.) Grissom: (to WARRICK) What do you weigh? Warrick: Uh, that's between me and my trainer. Grissom: Do I have to get a scale? Warrick: A buck 95, give or take a doughnut. (GRISSOM turns and looks at SARA. SARA responds without lifting her head from her file.) Sara: Don't even ask. I'm not telling you. Grissom: Warrick, would you lie down on the floor? Warrick: I don't get paid enough to play dead. Grissom: Please? (WARRICK sighs. He gets off his chair and lies down on the floor.) Grissom: Sara, grab Warrick's right arm. See if you can drag him across the room. Sara: This does have something to do with the case, right? Grissom: You don't trust me? (SARA looks up at GRISSOM and sighs. She puts her file aside, stands and takes ahold of WARRICK'S arm. She starts dragging him across the lounge floor. GRISSOM watches, dissatisfied with the results.) Warrick: (murmurs) You're such a drag. (SARA laughs.) (GRISSOM looks around and notices a couple of young women standing out in the hallway.) Grissom: (to WARRICK) Stay there a minute. (GRISSOM walks outside to the women. He approaches the smaller woman.) Grissom: Excuse me. Hi. (she turns around) Judy, right? (she nods) Judy, would you like to be part of a little experiment? Judy: (warily) I-I'm a secretary. Besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet. Grissom: You'll keep your shoes on, I promise. (He takes her hand and leads her back into the Lounge.) Warrick: Can I get up? Grissom: No. Spin around. Judy, would you take Warrick by the right arm and try and drag him across the room? Warrick: Hi, Judy. Judy: Hi. (JUDY takes WARRICK'S arm and tries to move him. She jerks hard on his arm to get the leverage to pull him a few inches. WARRICK grunts at the treatment.) Warrick: Hey, I like it gentle, okay? (JULY continues to try to move WARRICK. He grunts some more with her effort.) Grissom: Thank you, Judy. You've been a big help. Warrick: Thanks. Grissom: (to JUDY) You can go back to the water cooler. (JUDY leaves the lounge. WARRICK stands up.) Warrick: You want to tell me what's going on here? Grissom: Stewart Bradley had a dislocated shoulder postmortem. He's about the same weight as you. How does your shoulder feel? Warrick: You saw her dragging me around. You know, I'm glad I can help. I, uh, I'm late for the chiropractor's. I'll send you the bill. (WARRICK rushes out of the room.) Sara: I get it. I'm bigger than Judy. In order to get momentum, she had to start and stop. Which could explain Stewart Bradley's postmortem dislocated shoulder. Grissom: Especially if he was dragged by somebody with limited upper body strength. Sara: Where does that get us? Grissom: Well, maybe Jan Branson. She's about Judy's size. Sara: Why would Jan Branson shoot her boyfriend? Grissom: He stabbed her son. Sara: Motive? Grissom: (thinks) I don't know. But mothers protect their children, don't they? Sara: Okay ... okay, so ... she sends Todd home, not knowing the severity of his wound. She buries her boyfriend's body. She ditches the knife, which we still haven't found. She hides the revolver ... Grissom: ... so perhaps the evidence is in Mrs. Branson's hands. (SARA shrugs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRANSON RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY -- DAY] (JAN BRANSON carries a bag to her already filled car. BRASS and GRISSOM walk up the sidewalk to her driveway.) Brass: Mrs. Branson, you got a minute? Jan Branson: Uh, Eric and I are leaving town. Brass: Well, your Ex has been picked up on an unrelated matter. Even if he makes bail, you still got a day or two head start. Jan Branson: Good. Grissom: Ms. Branson, may I see your hands? Jan Branson: Excuse me? Grissom: Could be important. Palms up, please. (JAN BRANSON holds out her palms. GRISSOM looks at her palms and doesn't see anything. GRISSOM looks over at BRASS. In the sideview mirror, BRASS sees ERIC BRANSON watching them. BRASS looks back at GRISSOM.) (GRISSOM turns to talk with ERIC BRANSON. Grissom: Hi, pal. Eric Branson: Hi. Brass: Hey, Eric. This is Mr. Grissom. We work together. Grissom: May I see your hands, please? (ERIC looks at his mom.) Jan Branson: We have to get going. Brass: As soon as Eric shows Mr. Grissom his hands you're on your way. Grissom: Palms up. (ERIC holds out his palms. On his left hand there's a burn mark.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM question ERIC. The Child Advocate, MS. KARPELL as well as JAN BRANSON is also there.) Grissom: Eric ... I need to know how you burned your hand. Brass: Look at Mr. Grissom, Eric. Not your mother, okay? Ms. Karpell. Ms. Karpell: Eric, it's okay to answer the question. Eric Branson: I burned it on an iron. Brass: I think something a lot more dangerous than that burned your hand. (GRISSOM takes out a photograph from the file in front of him. He shows it to ERIC.) Grissom: We recovered a gun ... in the park. Your burn indicates that your hand was over this gap when the gun was fired. (SARA enters the room.) (Quick CGI POV of: The revolver being fired and a hand covering the barrel of the gun. A person gasps in pain. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Eric Branson: (swallows) I followed Todd to the park. (Quick flashback to: TODD BRANSON meeting with STEWART BRADLEY in the park.) Stewart Bradley: Todd, I got your e-mail. What's up? Todd Branson: We're not moving again. I want you to tell mom you're passing on that promotion. Stewart Bradley: You should discuss this with your mother. Todd Branson: She'll do whatever you say. Stewart Bradley: You don't understand. Todd Branson: I am not leaving my friends 'cause of you! Stewart Bradley: Todd, this has nothing to do with me. (TODD pulls out a gun and points it at STEWART BRADLEY. ERIC runs out and pushes the gun away. His hand covers the gun when it fires.) Eric Branson: Todd, no! (The gun fires and hits STEWART BRADLEY in the knee. STEWART goes down on one knee and takes out his knife. He stabs TODD in the abdomen and the gun fires a second time.) (STEWART BRADLEY falls to the ground dead. TODD gets up to his feet, clutching his injury.) Todd Branson: Gotta get home. (He drops the gun and turns to leave.) Todd Branson: You gotta hide the body. (ERIC looks down at the body and starts to drag the body into the bushes.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Eric Branson: I was just looking out for my brother. Sara: I swabbed the pistol grip of the revolver. The DNA from the suspect's perspiration isn't a match to Todd's. But it is male. With eight markers in common and familial relationship. Grissom: We found gunshot residue on Todd's jacket. We assumed that Todd fired the gun. But I think maybe he was standing next to you when you fired the gun. You didn't go to the park to stop Todd, did you? He went to the park to stop you. (Quick flashback to: STEWART BRADLEY walks up to ERIC in the park.) Stewart Bradley: Eric, what's up? (ERIC takes out the gun and points it at STEWART. TODD shows up and tries to stop ERIC.) Todd Branson: Whoa! Eric, Eric! Eric, don't be stupid. Eric Branson: I'm not moving again! Not 'cause of him! (TODD tries to take the gun away from ERIC.) Eric Branson: Todd! Let go! (The gun fires and hits STEWART BRADLEY in the knee. STEWART takes out a knife and stabs TODD.) (ERIC points the gun at STEWART and fires a second time. This time, he burns his hand.) Eric Branson: Go home! (End of flashback. Return to present.) Brass: Where'd you get the revolver, Eric? Jan Branson: From me. (ERIC looks at his mom.) Brass: Ms. Karpell ... Ms. Karpell: Eric, why don't we step out in the hall for a few minutes. (MS. KARPELL and ERIC leave the room.) Brass: So, the gun was in your possession and you didn't say anything. Jan Branson: I, um ... I hid it in a lock box. And, uh, when I got that call from John a couple of days ago I took it out and I put in my nightstand. I didn't even know it was missing until this morning. And then, I thought that John must've gotten in the house and taken it. I was so sure that he was the one who killed Stewart. I've spent the last ten years looking over my shoulder every day. Brass: Your boyfriend was found carrying a knife the night he died. I spoke to some of his friends and associates, and no one ever remembers him carrying a knife. Sara: Ms. Branson? You warned your boyfriend about your ex-husband, didn't you? Jan Branson: He asked me what was wrong and I shouldn't have said anything. He panicked. He overreacted. He started carrying a knife. What's going to happen to Eric? Brass: He'll be remanded to a juvenile detention center, awaiting trial. Jan Branson: And then? (In the hallway, ERIC is being escorted away by an OFFICER and MS. KARPELL.) Brass: (V.O.) If he's convicted of a homicide he'll be sent to a state custodial facility until he's 21. (Camera holds on JAN BRANSON. She puts her head down in her hands in the empty interview room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the DNA lab where GREG waits.) Grissom: Where we at, Greg? Greg: I paged you, like, ten times. Grissom: I was busy. Greg: Well, so was I. First, I processed Mr. Khandelwahl's clothing. Then I compared the DNA I lifted from said clothing to the DNA from the dirty dozen. (GREG indicates the board covered with a sheet.) Grissom: All I see is a sheet. Greg: But what I do is art. And now, I'm ready to unveil it. Welcome to the new and improved match game. (GREG removes the sheet to show GRISSOM a board with the photos of the mob members and RAJEEB'S clothes. GREG matched the DNA found on the clothes to the mob members they match.) Greg: Now, Graham Cooper grabbed Rajeeb's collar... (Quick flashback to: RAJEEB is sitting in the cab when GRAHAM COOPER grabs him by the collar and drags him out of the cab. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: Claude Allen and Barry Lawrence used their fists ... (Quick flashback to: The men punching RAJEEB out on the street outside the taxi. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: Joey Gillman, Bill Kendal and Rick Midgen got into it, too. Grissom: Very nice presentation, Greg. What about the others? They all participated. They even bragged about it. Greg: Well, only six of the twelve left behind their epithelials when their skin made contact with the vic's clothing. I've got no physical evidence to tie the others to the crime. (GRISSOM looks at the board and shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GAS STATION -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM stands alone at the gas station and looks over at the corner where everything happened.) (In a haze, he visualizes as TODD BRANSON stumbles across the sidewalk, clutching his injury.) (GRISSOM turns his head and visualizes the taxi cab as it travels down the road.) (GRISSOM turns around and visualizes the gang of bike riders gathered and talking.) (GRISSOM turns back to the corner and visualizes as TODD BRANSON stumbles and falls into the roadway.) Woman: Stop! (The taxi cab's tires screech as it runs over the boy.) (GRISSOM turns around and visualizes the gang of bike riders lift their heads when they hear the accident.) (RAJEEB stops the car and gets out to look at the damage.) (The BIKE RIDERS perk up and take note of RAJEEB'S behavior. They watch as he rushes back into the cab and close the door. Thinking that he's fleeing, they rush to stop him.) Graham Cooper: Hey! (GRISSOM turns and visualizes the mob as they drag RAJEEB out of the cab and proceed to beat him up there on the street.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- NIGHT] Grissom: The mob mentality ... relieves individuals from having to distinguish between right and wrong. Brass: Anonymity shields them from prosecution, though. Grissom: Yeah, six of them, to be exact. Brass: Hmmm ... Grissom: Unfortunately, physical evidence is limited by human action. Brass: Well, nothing's absolute, Gil ... even forensics. Grissom: Yeah, well ... this is as far as we can take it. It's up to you guys. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] (BRASS questions GRAHAM COOPER with his LAWYER next to him. On the table are pictures of the twelve people who were there the night of the beating.) Brass: The physical evidence confirms that you're the "hero" who pulled the driver out of the cab. Graham Cooper: I'd do it again, too. Cooper's Lawyer: Mr. Cooper, why don't we just hear what Captain Brass has to say. Brass: You're looking at first degree murder. Graham Cooper: What?! Brass: Mr. Khandelwhal didn't make it. (BRASS sighs. GRAHAM COOPER is stunned silent.) Brass: ... and, for the record, he didn't hit that boy. He wasn't trying to flee the scene. He was reaching for his radio trying to call for help. You know who the real hero of this is? Rajeeb Khandelwhal. The taxi driver. So ... what does that make you? Cooper's Lawyer: D.A. willing to deal? (BRASS sighs heavily and takes a seat.) [OBSERVATION ROOM] Brass: (over speaker): We want your buddies. I mean, either you talk or they'll talk. I mean, it doesn't matter. And the clock is ticking, so ... (GRISSOM watches and nods his head.) Lyric: everything ... everything in its right place...

Plan: A: A taxi driver; Q: What was the profession of the man who was beaten to death? A: Grissom; Q: Who arrives at the scene? A: a stab wound; Q: What was the cause of the boy's death? A: a basketball court; Q: Where did Grissom and Sara find the actual crime scene? Summary: A taxi driver is beaten to death by a mob after running over a boy with his taxi . When Grissom arrives at the scene, he finds out that the boy was already dying from a stab wound. When Grissom and Sara find the actual crime scene at a basketball court , they discover the body of a man that was shot to death. Are the two murders related?

TEASER [EXT: CITY. Music plays over images of Christmas scenes - a sleigh-and-reindeer display, a man taking donations for the Salvation Army, a snowman decoration, a lifesize toy soldier, a department store with a massive wreath on the front, a large Christmas tree on display.] [MUSIC: "Here Comes Santa Claus".] [INT: BANK. People are in line for tellers. At the head of the line is a man dressed as Santa Claus (played by Matt McTighe).] TELLER [cheerfully]: Hey Santa. How're you doing? Deposit or withdrawal? [SANTA hands a note to the TELLER (played by J. J. Boone). It says something like GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY.] TELLER: Is this some sort of joke? [SANTA pulls his shirt open, revealing a bomb strapped to him.] SANTA: Give me all of your money. Now. [TELLER quickly hands money to SANTA, who puts it into his red sack. SANTA looks around.] SANTA [indicating other tellers]: The other ones too. Hurry up. [As the TELLERS do as he says, people behind SANTA in the line get suspicious and impatient.] MAN: Something's going on over there. OTHER MAN: What do you mean? MAN: Security! SANTA [turning to face other customers]: I HAVE A BOMB! [People begin to shriek.] SANTA: Everyone get down! [to TELLER] Put the money in the bag. Quick. [CUT.] [INT: BRENNAN'S APARTMENT. MAX is dragging over a Christmas tree and Brennan is watching him.] MAX: It's a beauty, isn't it? I got the, uh... I got the employee's discount; good tips too. Shall I get some tinsel? BRENNAN [disinterested]: Well, you can do whatever you want. It's your Christmas tree. MAX: Well, it's ours, honey, as in you and me. BRENNAN: Dad, I'm-I'm going to do volunteer work in El Salvador. MAX: Well... that means I'm gonna be alone for Christmas. BRENNAN: Well, wha-what about Russ and the girls? MAX [sitting down]: Your brother is going to Orlando to spend the holidays with his in-laws, and I will be alone, and it'll be pitiful. BRENNAN: Well, if I stay, then there'll be two of us alone, which is twice as pitiful. MAX [sarcastically]: Well, that's interesting math. [pause] What if I can get someone else to share Christmas with us? Now, that would make it a real Christmas, right? BRENNAN: Dad, some reformed criminal pal of yours won't make a real Christmas. MAX: I'm talking family, a blood relative; an aunt or one of your cousins from Minnesota. BRENNAN: You have contact with these people? MAX: We're Myspace buddies. Come on, honey, please? BRENNAN: Well, why do people hate to spend Christmas alone? MAX: 'Cause it means nobody loves them. [CUT.] [EXT: STREET. BOOTH is rubbing his hands together for warmth as he walks to his car.] DISPATCH [from radio inside car]: Code 39, Code 39, bank robbery in progress. Capital Mutual Bank, corner of 12th and U Street. Suspect dressed as Santa. Urgent help needed. BOOTH [now inside car, to radio]: Yes, Agent Booth, 22705. I'm two blocks from Capital Mutual Bank. ETA within a minute. [INT: BANK. SANTA has money in a bag and is leaving the bank.] SANTA: All of you... stay down, you hear me? Stay down... and everybody goes home for Christmas. [EXT: STREET OUTSIDE BANK. BOOTH exits car and aims gun at Santa.] BOOTH: Everybody back. You! Santa! Move into the road. Now! SANTA [moving to street]: Don't do this. Just walk away. BOOTH: On your knees. On your knees! FBI, man. Do it now! SANTA: I just answered the call. [There are some crackles from the bomb, the word "BURN!" and then an enormous EXPLOSION. A giant ball of fire erupts from SANTA. Debris in all directions. A man gets thrown back onto a taxi from the force. A woman ducks behind the taxi. BOOTH lands in front of his car. A chunk of flaming SANTA drops by the taxi. After the explosion, money floats everywhere and the bank's windows break. Booth looks around in shock.] [CUT.] [EXT: STREET OUTSIDE BANK. We return to the scene a short time later. Emergency workers everywhere. There is a siren in the background and the Bomb Squad is combing the area. [PARAMEDICS load the CABDRIVER into the back of an ambulance.] PARAMEDIC: Cabdriver is stabilized. [FBI people take photos; the Bomb Squad continues searching for evidence. CAM and BRENNAN stand next to BOOTH by his SUV. CAM is performing medical checks on BOOTH.] BOOTH [impatient]: Can we just hurry this up? 'Cause I have a witness over there. BRENNAN: Well, are you sure you didn't throw out your back? BOOTH: No, I didn't; I'm fine. CAM [shining penlight in Booth's eyes]: Okay, do you have a medical degree? I don't think so. Okay, your pupillary response is fine. BOOTH: Okay, well, there you go. I'm gonna go talk to my witness now. Thank you. [A PARAMEDIC is sitting next to the WITNESS. The witness is the woman who got thrown behind the cab during the explosion. She is covered in splatter and her hands are torn and burned. She looks shocked.] BOOTH [to paramedic sitting with witness]: Got 'im. [The PARAMEDIC leaves and BOOTH sits next to the WITNESS. BRENNAN also arrives and squats in front of the WITNESS to examine the evidence - human remains - coating the WITNESS. This is "The Goop on the Girl". The WITNESS is GEORGIA HARTMEYER (played by Melinda Page Hamilton) and hereafter referred to as GEORGIA.] BOOTH: Hi. I'm, uh, Special Agent Seeley Booth. Are you okay, Miss, uh...? GEORGIA: Hartmeyer. Georgia Hartmeyer, and no, I'm not okay. [tearfully] I'm covered in... BRENNAN: Human remains. The bomber's bones became shrapnel. GEORGIA: Oh, my God, I got to get out of here. BOOTH: Listen, we just want to ask you a couple questions. CAM [arriving behind Georgia]: We have to bag her and take her to the lab. BOOTH [to CAM]: Right now? CAM: Yeah. BOOTH: I know this is really hard and you're freaked out, but what you have on there is evidence. CAM [comfortingly]: It's no big deal. I'm just gonna put this cap over your hair and bag your hands. BOOTH: And I'm gonna meet you back at the lab, and I'm gonna ask you a couple questions, and then I'm gonna take you home. Okay? GEORGIA [as Cam is putting a cap over Georgia's head]: All right, I guess, if I have to. [BOOTH leaves and crosses to where HODGINS is squatting on the ground, studying bomb fragments.] BOOTH [standing next to HODGINS]: Hey, oh, what do you got? HODGINS [excitedly]: Recovering bomb fragments... hey, check this out. Explosives unit guys loaned me these magnetized gloves. [Holds up gloves with metal sticking to them and laughs delightedly] Oh, these are so going on my Christmas list. BOOTH [pointing]: That stuff there, is that from the bomb, or is that from Santa? HODGINS: Bomb. Oily pudding residue indicates a homemade emulsion bomb. [BOOTH sighs and rubs his neck.] HODGINS: Man, you sure you're okay? BOOTH: Fine. 'Kay? BRENNAN [arriving behind him]: He says he's fine, but that may just be a function of shock. BOOTH [leaving]: I'm fine. You know what, I'm gonna go home, grab a shower and get cleaned up. BRENNAN: No, Booth! BOOTH [slightly annoyed]: I am FINE... will you just stop worrying about me, Bones? BRENNAN [pointing to Booth's back]: Spinous process! BOOTH [trying to see his own back]: What? Where? HODGINS: Yes, indeed, that is a definite chunk of Santa. BRENNAN [over shoulder]: We're gonna need some bags, Cam. BOOTH: No. No, no. BRENNAN: I'm sorry, Booth, but you're evidence now. [CUT to MAIN TITLE THEME and CREDITS] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN. BOOTH and BRENNAN are in the BONE ROOM. BOOTH is sitting on a gurney and BRENNAN is behind him, picking remains off the back of his jacket with tweezers throughout the conversation.] BOOTH: Did you hear anything back on that cabdriver? BRENNAN: No, but Cam is in touch with the hospital. [Setting last particles into a dish] Okay. I have to remove your clothing now. [BRENNAN reaches to the front of BOOTH's jacket and begins to remove it.] BOOTH [surprised]: What? Why? BRENNAN: Well, there may be particulates. BOOTH [echoing]: Particulates. BRENNAN: Evidence for Hodgins, and flesh for Cam. [BRENNAN sets jacket aside and walks to stand in front of BOOTH.] BOOTH [thoughtful]: You know, the bomber said something about answering "the call." What do you think that means? BRENNAN [loosening his tie. BOOTH sits up straighter and looks uncomfortable]: Many terrorists feel they're acting upon divine instruction. BOOTH: I don't think he was a terrorist; I just think he was a bank robber. Brennan [lifting BOOTH's tie over his head]: There's spatter on the back of your collar. BOOTH: Spatter? BRENNAN [unbuttoning his shirt]: Okay. BOOTH: I can take my own shirt off... [He lifts his hands to help and BRENNAN swats them away.] BRENNAN: No, don't. You'll compromise the evidence. BOOTH [looking closely at her]: ...Right. BRENNAN [uncertainly, continuing to unbutton Booth's shirt]: I'm... having Christmas dinner at my place this year with my dad. Considering you've been shunted aside by your own family, I'd... like to invite you. BOOTH: That's a sweet invitation. BRENNAN [sliding shirt off his shoulders and moving behind him]: So, will you come? BOOTH [slowly]: I... don't know. I was thinking about going up to Quebec to see Parker. I really don't care what Rebecca thinks. BRENNAN: Well, if you do that, won't she retaliate by insisting upon coming to all your special times with Parker? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN [admiringly]: You have a perfect acromion. [Booth looks pleased] Stand up. BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: Off the table. [BRENNAN kneels in front of BOOTH and reaches for his belt.] BOOTH: Whoa. What... what, is there stuff on my pants? BRENNAN: Yeah. Vascular tissue on your Cocky belt buckle. [Brennan loosens his belt and removes it.] BOOTH: Oh, right. Slides right off, and, uh, we're done. BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Huh? BRENNAN: I have to remove your pants. BOOTH [as Brennan unbuttons his pants]: All right, you know, I'm just gonna start reciting some saints, you know. [Quietly to himself as Brennan lowers his pants] St. Joseph, St. Peter, St. Paul, St. John... [BRENNAN slides his pants down BOOTH's legs. He is wearing blue and white plaid boxers.] [Suddenly the door opens and BRENNAN inhales quickly. CAM is standing in the doorway.] CAM [humorously]: Anyone for mistletoe? BRENNAN: I-I'm recovering evidence. BOOTH: Just evidence, that's all. CAM [smiling, unconvinced]: Interesting. BOOTH [stepping out of pants]: Listen, uh, Bones, I really got to go question the other eyewitness, so are we done here? BRENNAN: No, you can sit. CAM [pointing]: There's something in your hair. BOOTH [reaching to touch it]: Where? BRENNAN: Oh. [removing his hands] Don't touch. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN [reaching for forensic scissors]: Organic residue... I'll cut it out. BOOTH [alarmed]: What do you mean, cut it out? No! No scissors. Not the hair. [He pushes her hands - and the scissors - away.] CAM: Tox results show that our bomber had propranolol in his bloodstream. It's a beta-blocker popular with performers, soldiers... and suicide bombers. BOOTH [as Brennan fiddles with his hair]: Yeah, snipers use that to calm their nerves. CAM: Also, Hodgins swabbed this. [She holds out a dish containing a charred, unidentifiable body part.] CAM: Found high concentrations of limonene. It's a citrus fruit derivative. BOOTH: Oh. What is that, a nostril? CAM: Yup. And I have no idea how the limonene got there. Unless the guy was snorting orange Kool-Aid. BOOTH: Right. Listen, Bones, I really got to get going to question this other eyewitness. Will you just... Ow! [CAM rolls her eyes and exits. Cut to lab hallways where ANGELA is conferring with someone. BRENNAN is wheeling BOOTH on a table usually used for human remains. He is wearing only boxers and socks and looking uncomfortable.] ANGELA [looking over amusedly]: Uh, are we doing experiments on Booth? Because if so, I'd like to help. BOOTH [sarcastically]: Make fun of the naked guy... knock yourself out. [Cut to lab platform. DAISY is examining GEORGIA, who is sitting on a gurney. GEORGIA is wearing a cream-colored hospital-type gown and looking shell-shocked. There are paper bags over her hands and goop still in her hair.] DAISY [examining Georgia's hair]: I think we got everything. [pause] Oh. Nope. [excitedly] Mandible fragment! GEORGIA [disturbed]: Just get it all out! [Brennan pushes Booth's table opposite Georgia.] BOOTH: Okay, there you go... [Daisy looks at Booth and is impressed by his physique.] DAISY: Oh, Agent Booth, you look... Wow. BOOTH: How are you? DAISY: Finished with the hair; moving on to the hands. And thank you for asking, especially given the difficult morning you've had. [BRENNAN stands behind BOOTH with tweezers to remove particles from his hair.] BRENNAN: He was speaking to Ms. Hartmeyer. DAISY [slightly embarrassed]: Oh. I'm not used to having evidence that talks, so it's a little disconcerting. I'll just get back to work. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. [DAISY goes back to recovering evidence from GEORGIA as BOOTH conducts a makeshift interview.] GEORGIA: How much longer do I have to stay here? BOOTH: Just a couple more questions. Do you remember how long you were standing outside the bank? GEORGIA: I-I'm not sure... I was waiting for the bus. BOOTH: Do you remember seeing Santa go into the bank? [Brennan tugs on his hair] Ow! BRENNAN: Sorry. It's being stubborn. GEORGIA: All I know is, I was minding my own business, and this guy just blew up in front of me. DAISY [examining Georgia's hand]: Dr. Brennan, look at these white fragments in the nail bed. BRENNAN [studying hand]: Most likely dental pulp. DAISY [to Georgia, cheerfully]: Santa teeth! GEORGIA: Oh, geez. BRENNAN: Harvest the nail. DAISY: Just a quick clip. [HODGINS arrives on platform carrying a clipboard.] HODGINS: Hey, Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? HODGINS: Think I got something here. BOOTH [sarcastically]: Oh, great, join the party. HODGINS [staring at Booth]: Dude. Where's your chest hair? BOOTH: I'm highly evolved. BRENNAN: His pubic extension is entirely within normal- BOOTH: Enough. Okay, so what do you got? HODGINS [handing over clipboard]: I'm cataloguing bomb components so we can run it through EXIS, the Explosive Incidents System. Bomb makers' signatures are as unique as handwriting. [He removes a packet from his pocket.] We found this computer chip that sets frequency on a two-way radio, which means this bomb was command-initiated, triggered via electronic signal from the two-way. BOOTH: Right, that would explain the crackle I heard right before the bomb went off, and there was this voice... HODGINS: You know, if Santa had a partner, he was probably monitoring that frequency. BOOTH: He hears me say "FBI", he panics, and he blows up good old St. Nick, but there's no way to trace it back to him. [BRENNAN finishes with BOOTH's hair and supplies him with a blue lab coat. BOOTH shrugs into coat as he stands.] HODGINS: Well, except for that computer chip. The radio was set to 27.4 megahertz. BOOTH: You guys have a scanner around here? [CUT.] [INT: Angela's office. BOOTH and ANGELA are standing around a radio which is making crackly noises as BOOTH fiddles with it.] ANGELA: So, this is the first time I have ever borrowed anything from the Eisenhower Collection. BOOTH: I'm just gonna tune in here to 27.4. [We hear some crackles and then an angry voice broadcasting. This is OWEN THIEL (played by Dorian Missick) and hereafter referred to as OWEN.] OWEN: ...their pockets. No more! Bring down the tools of capitalist greed. Burn them, like they burned us... BOOTH: "Burn." That's him. I heard him say that. BRENNAN [arriving in doorway and holding up Booth's COCKY belt buckle.]: Hey. We expedited tissue removal. BOOTH: Great, thanks. BOOTH [into phone]: Hey, listen, this is Booth. I need an FCC mobile scanner unit now. Great. Thanks. BRENNAN: You want to search for the source of this transmission? BOOTH: It could be the guy who set off the bomb. [BOOTH leaves office and BRENNAN follows him. He gets to the doorway and realizes he is wearing only a lab coat, boxers and socks.] BOOTH: Okay, pants, pants, I need pants. Where are my pants? [CUT.] [BOOTH, BRENNAN and an FBI AGENT are in the MOBILE UNIT and driving through the city. They are listening to OWEN's broadcast.] OWEN [on radio]: We're not one voice, we're thousands of voices. Democracy has been corrupted by the greed of big business. Burn it to the ground... [Radio continues in background as BOOTH and BRENNAN talk.] BRENNAN: If he's referring to lobbyists, then he's actually correct. BOOTH: You agree with this clown? And what about blowing up your partner, okay? Because it sounds like this creep was, uh, planning on detonating Santa right from the start. BRENNAN: Well, that would explain the propranolol. BOOTH: Who blows up Christmas? Who does that, Bones? OWEN [on radio]: Hear my call. Get off your ass and do something. Get up off your ass and... BRENNAN: Do you think that's what the victim meant about answering "the call"? BOOTH: Sure as hell sounds like that. [to driver] Take the next right, will you? [CUT.] [INT: BONE ROOM. DAISY is modeling bone fragments over a blue man-made skull model as SWEETS enters.] DAISY: Lancelot! Does it look like the frontal near the sinus to you? SWEETS: Uh, I have no idea. DAISY: Seems appropriately spongy. SWEETS: Look, I know you're busy, but I'm in a pickle, Daisy. This is our first Christmas together. And, though I've avoided the holidays ever since my parents have been gone, I feel like I shouldn't put a damper on your holiday zest. DAISY: Oh, I'm zestless. SWEETS: You are? DAISY: I see no point in celebrating Jesus' birth in December when he was actually born in March. SWEETS: No kidding. DAISY: It'd be like celebrating the Fourth of July in April - ridiculous. SWEETS: So, what do we do December 25th? DAISY: Would it be wrong to stay in bed all day and have s*x? CAM [entering]: Yes, it would. And what is with everybody today? SWEETS: We were just discussing holiday plans. CAM: Oh. Did Dr. Brennan ask you about Christmas dinner? DAISY: She did. I said it wouldn't be a Christmas dinner unless it occurred in March. CAM: Interesting. Clear off, Sweets. We have to ID our Christmas-in-December bomber. DAISY: Bye, Lancelot. Colon, end bracket, colon, capital D! SWEETS [making hand gestures to indicate]: Semicolon, end parentheses, "less than" sign, numeral three. DAISY: Colon, capital "P." CAM: Oh, dear God. I'm going to yak. [SWEETS exits.] DAISY: This isn't skull. It's manubrium. CAM: Seems to be some kind of burn on the interior surface. Get that to Hodgins. [CUT.] [INT: MOBILE UNIT. BOOTH and BRENNAN are studying a computer showing a map of the area.] BRENNAN: Just up ahead. BOOTH: That's it. Right there. Pull over. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yep. BRENNAN: Santa's cohort is inside that house. These men use explosives. They... they want to destroy the federal government. Shouldn't we call in backup? OWEN [on radio]: 60 seconds of rant, people. Bring it on, bring it down. BOOTH: We don't have any time. Do you hear him? 60 seconds or he's going to sign off. I got to keep him distracted. [BOOTH and BRENNAN exit the van outside a suburban house with a large aerial on top.] BOOTH: All right. BRENNAN: Booth, you're going to pull down the antenna? That's illegal. BOOTH: Well, not when I got him for a Title 97, malicious interference and unlicensed operation. [to driver] Hey. Phone in our location, okay? DRIVER: Check. BOOTH [handing his gun to Brennan]: Here. Cover me. BRENNAN: Okay. OWEN: The banks take our money to line their pockets. No more! Burn down... [The antenna falls. Inside the van, the screen goes blank, indicating the loss of radio signal. Back in the yard, a tall African-American man exits the house, wearing jeans and a jacket and looking angry. This is OWEN THIEL, the broadcaster.] OWEN: Hey! [BOOTH grabs him and propels him toward the ground.] BOOTH: Hey, what? Hey, come on now. That's it. You have the right to remain silent. [BOOTH tackles OWEN to the ground and BRENNAN stands over them, covering BOOTH with his gun.] OWEN: You're a flunky of a corrupt regime and it is my duty to resist you. BRENNAN: Well, I should warn you, he... he's very hard to resist. BOOTH [pleased]: Thanks, Bones. BRENNAN: Sure. BOOTH: Easy! [CUT.] [INT. FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. BOOTH and OWEN are sitting at a table. BOOTH holds up a pen.] OWEN: What's this? BOOTH: Says you waive your right to a lawyer. OWEN [signing]: I know my rights better than any lawyer who's a pawn in the system. I'm fully aware that's there's nothing illegal about my broadcasts. Freedom of speech. BOOTH: You were in the military, right? You're trained in explosives. OWEN: So what? Explosives and ordnances are part of Basic Training. BOOTH: I don't think that they meant for you to use your Basic Training experience to, uh, rob banks. OWEN: You know what? You got the wrong guy. All I do is broadcast my show, go to meetings, hand out pamphlets. BOOTH: Just before he blew up, the robber said that, uh, he answered "the call." OWEN: My call? From the radio? Look, some nut listens to me, goes crazy, I'm not responsible. I never told anybody to break the law. BOOTH: Right. Because you know what? Your little pirate radio frequency set off the bomb right before the robber was about to get arrested. OWEN: Must have been a coincidence. BOOTH: Just a coincidence? You should just keep saying that to yourself over and over again, so you can actually believe it. [CUT.] [INT: DINER. MAX and BRENNAN are sitting with a woman BRENNAN's age, drinking coffee. She has brown hair and is dressed conservatively. This is BRENNAN's second cousin, MARGARET WHITESELL (played by Zooey Deschanel) and hereafter referred to as MARGARET.] MAX: This is fun. Isn't it fun to meet a new relative, girls? BRENNAN: So, you're my cousin, Margaret? MARGARET: My mother was your mother's cousin, according to Uncle Max. MAX: It's an uncanny resemblance. You're practically sisters. BRENNAN: Why... why aren't you home for Christmas? MARGARET: This time of year, I prefer to be in Philadelphia, away from my family and all those kids. BRENNAN: You don't have children? MARGARET [quotation marks indicate quotes of Benjamin Franklin]: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterward." I never got to the half-shut part. What's your excuse? BRENNAN: For not being married? I don't have an excuse. I just have very good reasons. MARGARET [thumbing through book of quotes]: Like what? BRENNAN: I think that marriage is something you need to have a reason to enter into. I never found that reason. MARGARET: Mmm. I totally agree. "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools learn in no other." MAX: You see, Margaret is a big fan of Benjamin Franklin. MARGARET: Yes. He was the smartest man who ever lived. His advice has... never failed me. BRENNAN: Actually, the person with the highest recorded IQ is Marilyn vos Savant. MARGARET: Ooh. "Tim was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on." BRENNAN [to Max]: I don't think this is going to work. MAX: Listen, family reunions are always awkward. BRENNAN [to Margaret]: Well, do you think this is going well? MARGARET: Not really. You seem like a bit of a know-it-all. BRENNAN: Nice to meet you, but I'm going to El Salvador for Christmas. You both are welcome to use my place over the holidays. MARGARET: "He that won't be counseled can't be helped." [BRENNAN exits.] MAX: I told you to keep to Ben's scientific stuff. [CUT.] [INT: ANGELA'S OFFICE. DAISY has completed the skull she was working on before and ANGELA is waiting for it.] DAISY All righty. Here's your head. Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth are kind of in a hurry to ID him. [ANGELA plays MUSIC: "Snowfall" by Ingrid Michaelson.] ANGELA: No problem, Daisy. I have no intention of letting Santa ruin Christmas. DAISY: Were you aware of the fact that Jesus was really born in March? ANGELA: I don't care. DAISY: That Rudolph would have to be a girl, because male reindeer drop their antlers in winter. [ANGELA turns music up.] DAISY: Okay. I'll be right back. [DAISY exits. MUSIC continues over a montage as ANGELA works to recreate the face from the skull. She completes the face.] [DAISY enters.] ANGELA: Okay, here he is. The guy who bombed Christmas. Can you hand me my sketch pad, so I can get him to the media? [CUT.] [INT: CAM'S OFFICE. She is working at a computer and surrounded by Christmas paraphernalia. MICHELLE enters.] MICHELLE: Hey. CAM: Hey, I was just thinking of you. MICHELLE [looking at Christmas stuff]: Oh, my God, what did you buy? CAM: Gingerbread house, talking reindeer, peppermint bark... I went a little crazy. I know how much your dad loved Christmas. MICHELLE: You didn't get my present, did you? CAM: Still working on that. MICHELLE: Good. 'Cause I know what I want... Hawaii. The Big Island. CAM: That would be hard to wrap. MICHELLE: No, I want to go there for Christmas. Please don't say no, Cam. Please. CAM: That sounds fantastic, but I only have a couple days off. MICHELLE: Not with you. With Paris's family. Her mom and dad invited me. CAM [faltering]: They did? MICHELLE [excitedly]: I know it's totally last minute, but I found a cheap flight, and the hotel is covered, and all I have to do is pack shorts and bathing suits. CAM: You... really... thought this through. MICHELLE: If I stay, it's just the two of us, and that's depressing. CAM: You really want to go? It's that important to you? MICHELLE: It's important to me. And this way you can do what you usually do at Christmas instead of worrying about me. CAM: Oh, you're not a worry. You... [Michelle sighs and pouts] If that's what you want, then of course you can go. MICHELLE: Thank you! [They hug.] [HODGINS enters.] HODGINS: Hey, Michelle. MICHELLE: Hi, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: Mind if I steal her away? MICHELLE: She's all yours. [CAM sighs, her smile falling as MICHELLE exits.] [CUT.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN BONE ROOM. HODGINS and CAM enter. DAISY is working with the bones. A large computer is stationed at the head of the bone table, which HODGINS refers to.] HODGINS: We ran the explosive residue. It's predominantly ammonium nitrate. Also fuel oil, naptha, detergent and antimony sulfide. CAM: Any of that unique enough to pinpoint our bomb maker? HODGINS: Not even close. CAM: Sweets says the pirate radio guy doesn't fit the profile. He's an extrovert, and we're looking for a lock-yourself-in-the-basement type of fellow. HODGINS: All right. So, all we know so far is that the detonation pressure was about half a million pounds per square inch. DAISY: Which is consistent with the skeletal damage. You can see blow out to the back, as well as curvature and divoting... all going in one direction, to the rear. CAM: So the explosive was confined to the front of the vest. HODGINS: Until we find the rest of the manubrium, it's going to be pretty tough to figure out specifics. CAM: The manubrium doesn't just get up and walk away. Unless... [remembering] the bomber's own bones became shrapnel. HODGINS: We checked the scene of the explosion, but we didn't check the cab driver, who took the biggest hit. I'll call the hospital. [HODGINS exits.] [CUT.] [INT: FOUNDING FATHERS. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sipping drinks.] BOOTH: So, I've decided to take you up on your offer. [MUSIC: "Jingle Bells" on piano somewhere in the bar.] BRENNAN: What offer? BOOTH: Uh, you inviting me to your house for Christmas dinner? ... You forgot you invited me. BRENNAN: No, it's just... No! My dad brought by my second cousin and... I really didn't like her. BOOTH: Well, that makes sense. BRENNAN: Why do you say that? BOOTH: Well, because she's family. I mean, 90% of the time, family just gets under your skin. That's the difference between family and friends. BRENNAN: She's unapologetically dogmatic. She lives her entire life based on the quotations of Benjamin Franklin. BOOTH: Maybe she feels the same way about you and your mania for logic. BRENNAN: Mania? BOOTH: Okay, enthusiasm. Look, if you ditch this opportunity because a family member annoys you, it just... it just goes with the family territory. BRENNAN: Hmm. That's true; you and Jared can barely be in the same room together. BOOTH: Well, he's a whole other kettle of fish. I'll tell you that. He's just annoying. [BOOTH's phone rings.] BOOTH [into phone]: Booth. Uh, okay. BOOTH [to Brennan, still on phone]: Um, somebody saw Angela's sketch on the TV. Says it looks like her son. Name of Holden Chevaleer. [into phone] Great. Thanks. [He hangs up.] BOOTH: Get this. Our bomber was an exterminator. BRENNAN: Well, that makes sense. Exterminators use orange oil. And Hodgins said the bomb contained naptha. Exterminators use naptha to kill bed bugs. [CUT.] [Night becomes day. INT: BOOTH'S OFFICE. BOOTH is at his desk and BRENNAN stands to the side. A middle-aged WOMAN is sitting across from BOOTH. This is ABBY CHEVALEER (played by Wendy Phillips) and hereafter referred to as ABBY.] ABBY: That picture on the news. It's my son, isn't it? [She hands a photograph to BOOTH. The photo shows a man wearing a red and white plaid shirt and smiling at the camera. This is her son HOLDEN CHEVALEER, a.k.a. SANTA CLAUS.] BOOTH: Yes, ma'am. ABBY: They didn't say why they were showing it, just that they wanted information. Why? BOOTH: Well, we believe that your son was involved in a robbery at, uh, Capital Mutual Bank. Your son - did he ever use explosives, Mrs. Chevaleer? ABBY: No, of course not. Holden wouldn't hurt a fly. BRENNAN: Well, he's an exterminator. By definition, he hurts flies. BOOTH: That's not what she meant, Bones. ABBY: Holden is a good boy. We have dinner together almost every night. There's just the two of us, you understand. BOOTH: Any friends? ABBY: He's very shy. He's much happier working on his projects in the garage. BRENNAN: What... what kind of projects? ABBY: I don't really know. I like to give him his privacy. BOOTH: He have any financial troubles? ABBY: Everybody does. He tried to get a loan, but the bank wouldn't give him one. BRENNAN: That must have made him very angry. ABBY: Well, he isn't perfect. But I know my son. And if there has been any kind of trouble, it is not his fault. Just let me talk to him. He'll tell you, I know he will. BOOTH [gently]: I'm afraid that's not going to be possible. [ABBY's face falls and she becomes tearful.] ABBY: Please. You just tell me what's happened to my son. [CUT.] [INT: FBI CONFERENCE ROOM. We see CAM on a video link. She is in her office.] CAM [on screen]: These just came through from the hospital. Pre-op photos of the cab driver and his x-rays. [We see photos of the cabdriver before zooming out to show BOOTH and BRENNAN in a conference room and looking at a large screen.] BRENNAN: Severe trauma primarily to the proximal phalanges and metacarpals. Pitting and multiple fractures to the palmar side. CAM [in person]: He was probably trying to shield his face from the explosion. We think the fragment in his zygomatic arch may be the missing manubrium fragment. BRENNAN: There. Did the hospital deliver the bone shrapnel fragments? CAM [in person]: Ms. Wick's working on it now. We're hoping they'll give us a better sense of the bomb. BRENNAN: We need Angela to recreate the explosion. CAM [on screen]: As soon as Hodgins figures out the bomb. [CUT.] [INT: LAB PLATFORM. DAISY is leaning over the bone table and HODGINS is standing behind her in a "hurry up" manner.] DAISY: It's very difficult to work when someone is looking over your shoulder. HODGINS: It's even more difficult to work when you have nothing to work on. Snap it up. DAISY: This is it. The missing manubrium. Three parallel burns about two millimeters apart. HODGINS: Ooh, I think we got our initiator. The bomb maker used the base of a small light bulb. Battery on one end, explosives on the other. I'm going to run this through the EXIS database. [He begins to exit,] DAISY: Oh, one more thing. [HODGINS stills.] DAISY: I found this in Santa's 12th rib. HODGINS: I'm never going to make my flight. DAISY: I recommend celebrating in March. HODGINS: Thank you... Ebenezer. [He exits.] [CUT.] [INT: BRENNAN'S APARTMENT. MARGARET is sitting on BRENNAN's couch. BRENNAN sits in an armchair opposite her. They both hold mugs.] MARGARET: You're not going to El Salvador for Christmas? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. MARGARET: You don't strike me as someone who's flexible about their schedule. BRENNAN: Well, I took advice from someone who knows more about families than I do. MARGARET: "He that raises a large family does stand a broader mark for sorrow, but then, stands a broader mark for pleasure as well." [There is a knock at the door.] BRENNAN [standing]: Well, that's sort of what he said, but without the pleasure part. [She opens the door, revealing BOOTH on the other side.] BRENNAN [surprised]: Booth. BOOTH [entering and not noticing Margaret]: Yeah, so an explosives unit checked out Holden Chevaleer's garage... there was nothing. And, uh, this guy's name doesn't even pop up in the system. BRENNAN: Th-That's very interesting, but I... BOOTH: Which just confirms that we have to find his accomplice. Nice tree. Oh, wow, who is this, your sister? BRENNAN: No, uh... my second cousin. MARGARET: I'm Margaret. BRENNAN: There's no resemblance. BOOTH: What do you mean? You're both very beautiful. MARGARET: "Beauty and folly are old companions." BRENNAN: Told you... Benjamin Franklin. BOOTH: Right, right. Hey, hey! Good old Ben, you know, he invented electricity and the hundred dollar bill. MARGARET: Neither one of those things is true. BOOTH [to Brennan]: You're right, there's no resemblance whatsoever. Nice meeting you, Maggie. BRENNAN: Bye, Booth. BOOTH: See ya. BRENNAN: Uh, that's my partner. He's FBI. MARGARET: His eyes are too small to be really handsome. BRENNAN: Well, I have to admit, I... find him pleasing to look at. [CUT.] [INT: FBI HOOVER BUILDING. BOOTH steps out of elevators, seeing OWEN waiting for him. He strides down the hall and OWEN follow him.] OWEN: Agent Booth. BOOTH: I'm busy. OWEN: Look, what you were saying about my broadcast blowing that guy up... I was hoping you could put me in contact with his mother. BOOTH: Stay away from her. OWEN: It was a coincidence. No way I could have known in a million years, but still... BOOTH: If you don't feel responsible, then why do you want to talk to this victim's mother? [They arrive at BOOTH's office and enter.] OWEN: Hey, I was Army, man. Just like you. I served my country. BOOTH: You don't even remember what this country stands for. OWEN: Maybe it's you who forgot. BOOTH: Sorry? OWEN: Freedom of speech. I have the right to be heard. BOOTH: Legally, yeah. Maybe you should think about saying something worth hearing. OWEN: Look, it wasn't my fault. BOOTH: You spew that poison out in the airwaves... this happened, you know it. [to other agent in area outside office] Agent, show him out. OTHER AGENT [removing Owen from office] Sir. Let's go. [BOOTH is still in his office. He removes his jacket as a video link with the Jeffersonian opens. HODGINS and CAM are onscreen.] CAM: We ran the details of the bomb against the EXIS database. It's an identical match for a number of devices all built by the same man. HODGINS: A guy named Malaki Wallace. [wallace's details appear onscreen.] CAM: He got busted in the '90s for robbing a Western Union office. HODGINS: And using an emulsion bomb with a light bulb initiator. BOOTH: Okay, anything more current? CAM [in person]: No. He's been dormant since he got out of prison. BOOTH [onscreen]: Prison? CAM: Yeah. And it looks like he came back with a bang. [CUT.] [INT: FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. An unkempt middle-aged man is sitting across from BOOTH. This is MALAKI WALLACE (played by Jack Kehler), hereafter referred to as WALLACE.] WALLACE: You're not listening. I been out of the bombing game for years. BOOTH: Really? WALLACE: Really. BOOTH: Yeah, so how do you explain this? WALLACE: Well, I'm always happy to consult. That is a simple incendiary device. Very rudimentary. BOOTH: Right. [BOOTH throws it toward the observation room, containing SWEETS. SWEETS remains in the room for the entire scene and we cut to the observation room for all of his lines. BOOTH can hear SWEETS through an earpiece.] SWEETS: Whoa! Was that strictly necessary? BOOTH: See, explosives unit, they found that in your apartment there, Malaki. WALLACE: So? I'm a fidgeter. SWEETS: Bomb making is a compulsive activity, much like arson. WALLACE: The problem is just about anything will fidget itself into a bomb given half a chance and readily available household products. BOOTH: Like something like this? [He stands and begins swinging another device, on a string.] WALLACE: Okay, okay. SWEETS [nervously]: What is that, Booth? WALLACE: Now, what do you want? BOOTH: Where've you been for the past 48 hours? WALLACE: Pushing plungers. BOOTH: Demolition? WALLACE: I'm an apartment super. Sewer line backed up and I spent Monday and Tuesday unclogging the toilets. I got 35 witnesses. The tenants all had to share one Porta Potti. BOOTH: It's not that easy, pal. See, we have a device with your name written all over it. Naptha, limonene, light bulbs, whole deal, pal. SWEETS: These guys consider themselves artists, Booth. Teachers. BOOTH [to Wallace]: Well, maybe you, uh, you have a protégé. Someone you passed the torch to? WALLACE: Well, if someone built one of my devices, they probably just got the recipe off my Web site. BOOTH: You have a mad bomber Web site? WALLACE: What can I say? Uh, I got fans. BOOTH: And these fans... they subscribe? WALLACE: E-mails and passwords and correspondence, you name it. BOOTH: Right. [CUT.] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN BONE ROOM. DAISY and BRENNAN are regarding the remains.] DAISY: I found this in the area of the right articular capsule. It's a puncture mark, like you would get from a deep needle jab. BRENNAN: Well, perhaps it's where the bomber injected himself with propranolol. Although it's unlikely someone would inject themselves deep enough to strike bone. DAISY: Exactly. So I reviewed the X rays of the right scapula and hand. Look at the extensor facet of the glenoid cavity, and the bilateral asymmetry of the second metacarpal. BRENNAN: Indicative of pronounced right-handedness. He couldn't have injected himself in the right arm. [HODGINS enters.] HODGINS: Dr. B? I ID'd the fragment of wire we got out of his rib. Booth's gonna want to hear this. [BRENNAN begins to exit.] [CUT.] [INT: BOOTH'S OFFICE. BOOTH is on the phone with the Jeffersonian. He remains in his office for the duration of the call and we cut back and forth to him.] BOOTH: All right, so someone else injected Santa with the propranolol. [We cut to BRENNAN'S OFFICE, where BRENNAN and HODGINS have BOOTH on speakerphone.] BRENNAN: Evidently. HODGINS: And the wire in his rib was triple-heat-treated boron/manganese steel. BOOTH: Is that what they used to wire the tubes of the explosives together? HODGINS: No, it's a patented form of steel used exclusively in high-end bike locks. It wasn't part of the bomb. BRENNAN: It was what locked Holden Chevaleer into the bomb. Someone locked him into the vest, dressed him like Santa and then forced him to rob the bank. BOOTH: Wait a sec. Patsy. That's why he said what he said. "I just answered the call." The guy's an exterminator, Bones. He meant "the call" literally. BRENNAN: He answered a service call. BOOTH: Only his customer locked him into a bomb and made him rob a bank. This is not good. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because whoever strapped Holden into the bomb didn't get what they wanted. What if they try again? [CUT.] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN MEDICO-LEGAL LAB. ANGELA and CAM are walking.] ANGELA: Oh, you looked peeved. CAM: I went to wash my hands just now, but there was no soap in the dispenser. It had to be... [They arrive at HODGINS'S OFFICE and enter.] CAM: Hodgins. HODGINS: Hey. [HODGINS is wearing a bomb-type contraption similar to that of HOLDEN in an effort to gather information.] HODGINS: Uh, you look irked. CAM [staring in horror at Hodgins, with her mouth open and attempting to speak]: ... ANGELA [translating]: She's mad about the soap. CAM: Your analysis of the emulsion bomb included detergent. ANGELA: You didn't actually get permission to recreate the bomb, did you? CAM [in shock]: Oh, my God. HODGINS: I needed to do this so that Angela could recreate the explosion. CAM: You told him that? ANGELA: No, no, don't let him turn this around on me. CAM: I do not want an explosive device in my lab. HODGINS: Relax, I did not connect the initiator... [He moves to do something with pliers.] CAM: No! HODGINS [patiently]: It is perfectly safe. [There is a pause as CAM studies his hands suspiciously.] CAM: What's that? HODGINS: It's antimony sulfide. It's fine on its own. It's perfectly harmless. The bomber used it in the detonating charge. ANGELA [fondly]: Hodgins is very authentic when it comes to his reconstructions. CAM: We have to pull the evidence trays. [She exits hurriedly as ANGELA and HODGINS stare after her, puzzled.] [CUT to LAB PLATFORM, where ANGELA, HODGINS and CAM are unloading and sorting through the evidence trays.] ANGELA: Give me a clue here, guys. What are we looking for? CAM: It's H11209, biological evidence from witness Georgia Hartmeyer. HODGINS: Oh, got it. It's her fingernail. [He opens a container.] CAM: I thought it was just blast residue, but that stain's definitely on the inside. [The container holds a fingernail clipping. HODGINS wipes the inside of the fingernail with a Q-tip and licks the Q-tip as ANGELA and CAM watch disgustedly.] CAM: Did you have to do that? HODGINS: It's metallic and sweet. That is definitely antimony sulfide. CAM: And it couldn't have gotten there unless she helped assemble the bomb. [CUT.] [INT: FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. GEORGIA is waiting impatiently.] [BOOTH and BRENNAN enter.] BOOTH: Okay, Ms. Hartmeyer, we just have a couple follow-up questions, that's all. [They sit.] BRENNAN: Like... what were you doing outside the bank... for instance? GEORGIA: I told you, waiting for the bus. BOOTH: I checked. You live on the other side of town. GEORGIA: I take the bus to work. BOOTH: You were fired three months ago. GEORGIA: I like to shop in that area, okay? BRENNAN: That is very interesting, because we checked your credit cards and you've never made a purchase anywhere near Capital Mutual Bank. BOOTH: Gotcha. GEORGIA: You got nothing. I didn't blow him up. I swear I didn't blow him up. [CUT.] [INT: ANGELA'S OFFICE. ANGELA and BRENNAN stand in front of ANGELA's display screen.] ANGELA: So, I recreated the scene outside the bank. [We see the image of a generic man who is wearing a red belt buckle with a rooster on it.] BRENNAN: Oh, that's Booth, with the Cocky belt. ANGELA: Yeah, and this is the cab driver and Georgia Hartmeyer. [She indicates other generic figures.] Now, I factored in everything we know about the bomb's velocity and direction... including the positions of Booth, Georgia and the cab driver prior to the blast. Okay, here we go. [She plays the recreation. We see the illustrated 'SANTA' enter the street and then the blast, followed by simultaneous split-screen illustrations of the reactions of BOOTH, GEORGIA, the CABDRIVER and the place where SANTA blew up.] ANGELA: You see the problem? BRENNAN: The cab driver covered his face with his hands; we know that from his injuries. But given his proximity, he wouldn't have had the time. ANGELA: Yeah. Now, I can adjust his reaction times, but even when I go superhuman... and I'm talking, like, Maverick and Iceman reaction times... look at where the bone shrapnel lands. [She demonstrates these other possibilities, with the shrapnel landing in improbable locations.] BRENNAN: The only explanation is that he was reacting not to the explosion but to the sound of the radio. ANGELA: Yeah. Now check out the FCC's frequency allocation chart. [An image of said chart appears onscreen.] ANGELA: Now, Owen Thiel broadcast his pirate radio signal at 27.4 megahertz. Which is right next to 27.41 megahertz, which is the land mobile frequency this cab driver used. BRENNAN: So Georgia and the cab driver must have locked Holden into the bomb vest. They waited outside of the bank. If Holden didn't do what they asked, the cab driver could detonate him with the cab radio. ANGELA: Yeah, only Owen Thiel beat him to it. BRENNAN: I'll have Booth look for the cab driver's name on Malaki's Web site subscriber list. [She pulls out a phone and conveys the information to BOOTH.] ANGELA: You know, all those jokes that I made about Santa ruining Christmas, I suck. BRENNAN: Well, at the time you made those jokes, you weren't aware that Holden was a patsy. ANGELA: You don't think that sometimes we forget those bones out there are people? [CUT.] [INT: BOOTH'S SUV. BOOTH and BRENNAN are in the car.] BOOTH: Georgia and the cab driver, they flipped on each other the second I got them into interrogation. Apparently they found each other at a debt counseling seminar, of all things. BRENNAN: Well, how did they pick Holden? BOOTH: The phone book. They called, and as soon as he showed up, they jumped him. Told him if he did what they wanted, they would set him free. BRENNAN [sadly]: Sometimes people are terrible. BOOTH: Yeah, I know. BRENNAN: Cam says that the victim's mother is burying him on Christmas morning. BOOTH: I heard that. BRENNAN: It was just him and his mom, right? BOOTH: Yeah, guy worked alone. He never had time for any friends. [BRENNAN nods thoughtfully.] BOOTH: What's wrong? BRENNAN: Max told me that being alone at Christmas means that nobody loves you. She's burying her son. Alone. On Christmas. I think that's heartbreaking. BOOTH: You know, when I say "heartbreaking," you say that the heart is a muscle so it... it can't break, it can only get crushed. BRENNAN [choked up]: Isn't it heart-crushing? BOOTH: You want to go to his funeral? BRENNAN: Yes. I would. Then... she won't be alone. BOOTH: You know what, Bones? Sometimes I think your heart muscle is bigger than people give you credit for. [He smiles at her. She exhales shakily.] [CUT.] [INT: CAM'S CAR, night. She and MICHELLE are presumably on the way to the airport.] MICHELLE: You're being quiet. I promise to text 85 times a day. [Cam pulls over.] Why are you stopping? CAM: I don't want you to go to Hawaii. MICHELLE [angrily]: You're changing your mind? CAM: You and me... we're the closest thing we have to family. MICHELLE: You can't just change your mind. CAM: And family spends Christmas together. We're spending Christmas together. MICHELLE: You're serious?! CAM: If I let you go, you're gonna have a good time... MICHELLE: What's wrong with that?! CAM: Everything. Because that's what we'll be to each other, just two people who don't spend Christmas together. MICHELLE: So you want to be two people who spend Christmas together but one of them is really, really mad? CAM: I know deep down you care. ...I just hope not too deep down. MICHELLE: Can we at least talk about this? CAM: No. It's my job to prove to you every day that you are loved in this world. And if doing that makes you angry... MICHELLE: It makes me furious! CAM: Well, then that's the price I pay. But you will know beyond a doubt that I can't just let you go flying off and not have it absolutely ruin my Christmas. Because right now, the way things are, there's... no Christmas without you. [There is a long pause. Michelle looks over and away. Cam looks at her and then away. Finally they look at each other. Michelle leans over and hugs Cam.] MICHELLE: I love you, too. [Cam smiles. Michelle smiles back.] [CUT.] [EXT: OWEN'S HOUSE. We watch through the window as OWEN THIEL is at his desk. He begins a broadcast. The mood is somber and his tone is pensive and remorseful.] [MUSIC: "Star of Wonder" by Matt Alber.] OWEN: A man died this week. By all accounts, he was a good man. Loved his mother, worked hard, shouldered his responsibilities. He was a man that any one of us would be proud to call "friend." [MUSIC continues OWEN's broadcast plays over the next scenes.] [EXT: GRAVEYARD. ABBY is standing alone at HOLDEN's grave. There is a coffin resting on a green mat on the snowy ground. A priest-type man is standing at the head of the coffin.] OWEN [offscreen V.O.]: I killed him. With this microphone. I killed him by going on these airwaves and sharing my rage with you. Spreading my rage. [The camera pulls back to reveal BOOTH and BRENNAN slowly coming to stand behind ABBY. They proffer a wreath and she smiles sadly. BOOTH lays the wreath on the coffin.] OWEN [V.O.]: Now, you can say that it wasn't my fault, that it was a coincidence. I thought about that. Thought about it a lot. But the fact is... [BOOTH crosses himself, and he and BRENNAN lower their heads.] OWEN [V.O.]: The fact is, if it weren't for me, he might still be alive. I'm so sorry for that. [BRENNAN watches BOOTH and then looks toward ABBY. Once again we return to an above shot and six other figures are walking toward the grave.] OWEN [V.O.]: And I remembered something that I forgot over the last few years: that God is not only a god of anger and vengeance. [BOOTH and BRENNAN hear crunching footsteps and look at each other in surprise, then behind them. Standing a respectful distance back are ANGELA, HODGINS, CAM, MICHELLE, SWEETS and DAISY, all dressed in funeral attire and looking somber.] OWEN [V.O.]: Now, my religious beliefs tell me that Christ did not die in vain. [ABBY looks back and sees the other attendees. She is still tearful but looks grateful also.] OWEN [V.O.]: That He died to redeem us all. [Another aerial shot of the group of eight at the graveside as the service begins.] OWEN [V.O.]: And I intend to show that this good, simple man also did not die in vain. [Now we return to OWEN through his window. We see him sitting at a desk and leaning toward a microphone.] OWEN: That he redeemed one angry, shouting man. So these are the last words I will ever broadcast. And I hope they're the words you remember best. [There is a long pause.] OWEN: Peace on Earth. [He finishes the broadcast and removes the headphones.] [We see a series of large, decorated, lit-up Christmas trees next to a variety of D.C. landmarks before an exterior of BRENNAN's apartment.] [INT: BRENNAN'S APARTMENT. It is festively decorated, and CAM, MICHELLE, SWEETS, DAISY, ANGELA, HODGINS, BOOTH, BRENNAN and also MAX and MARGARET are present.] [MUSIC: "O Christmas Tree".] CAM [to Sweets and Daisy]: What happened to the "down with Christmas, let's hump like bunnies" thing? SWEETS: I'm not here for baby Jesus; I'm here for Agent Booth. CAM: Ah, that explains the antlers. SWEETS: It was a moment of whimsy. MICHELLE: They look good on you, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Thank you. [Elsewhere in the apartment: Angela walks toward Hodgins.] ANGELA and HODGINS: Hey. [HODGINS hands her a cup.] ANGELA: Thanks. So you think that we should feel like big, giant losers that we're not spending Christmas with family? HODGINS: There's more than one kind of family. ANGELA: Merry Christmas, Hodgins. HODGINS: Merry Christmas, Angela. [ KITCHEN: BOOTH, MARGARET and BRENNAN are preparing food items.] BOOTH [to Margaret]: Hey. That's too much salt there, that's too much salt. [He exits to DINING ROOM] MARGARET: "He that would fish must venture his bait." BOOTH [from dining room]: Bones, when are we gonna eat? I'm starving. BRENNAN: Well, right now. [to Margaret] If Booth wants to fish, he'll fish. What on earth are you trying to say? MAX [who has been offscreen]: Honey, families always give unwanted advice. BRENNAN: Unwanted advice? You... you have to stop quoting Benjamin Franklin at me. [She is carrying something to the table. Margaret picks up something and follows.] MARGARET: Why? BRENNAN: Well, I have no evidence of this, but I feel that every time you do that, it's not actually communication. I feel the same way when people tell jokes. MARGARET [thoughtfully]: Hmm. I never thought of it that way. BRENNAN: I'd rather hear what you have to say than Benjamin Franklin. MARGARET: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [Everyone has been coming to the table and they are now all seated expectantly.] MAX: Tempe. This is your gathering. Wouldn't you like to say something? BRENNAN: Oh, um... [standing] Thank you, everyone, for coming. Let's eat. [she sits] MAX: No. I-I mean, would you like to say something about Christmas? BRENNAN: Okay. [standing] Um, Christmas has its roots in the pagan festival of Saturnalia, which is traditionally celebrated by intoxication, naked singing and the consumption of human-shaped biscuits. BOOTH [standing hurriedly]: I think what Bones is trying to say here is that we're all just happy that we are all together. BRENNAN: Well, we're all together every day. MARGARET: Not me. No, I'm not here every day. MAX [to Margaret]: Well, it's a different kind of together. BOOTH [toasting]: To family... friends... lovers... family... and food. BRENNAN: You said "family" twice. It's repetitious. BOOTH: It's a good toast, though. Cheers. Okay? BRENNAN: Cheers. ALL OVERLAPPING: Cheers, Merry Christmas. BOOTH [as he and Brennan sit]: All right. MARGARET: What do we do now? BOOTH: Ah, let's say a prayer. BRENNAN: No, no prayer, not in my place. BOOTH: Bones, I always pray. BRENNAN: Maybe just a moment of silence. BOOTH: Hold hands. [ALL hold hands.] BOOTH: Silent night. [The camera pulls back through the window. We see the gathering around the table holding hands.] [THE END.]

Plan: A: Santa Claus; Q: Who was the man dressed as? A: an explosive vest; Q: What was the Santa Claus wearing? A: Christmas; Q: What holiday does Brennan plan on spending in El Salvador? A: her father; Q: Who convinces Brennan to stay for Christmas? A: Ryan O'Neal; Q: Who played Brennan's father? A: Margaret; Q: Who is Brennan's second cousin? A: Zooey Deschanel; Q: Who played Brennan's cousin? A: the funeral; Q: What do the Jeffersonian team attend after solving the case? A: the mother; Q: Who was the only family member of the man killed in the bank robbery? A: a Christmas dinner; Q: What do the team celebrate at Brennan's? Summary: A man dressed as Santa Claus wearing an explosive vest is blown up via a radio frequency after robbing a bank, leaving Booth and Brennan to investigate the identity of the bomber and who set off the explosives. Brennan plans on spending Christmas in El Salvador, but her father ( Ryan O'Neal ) convinces her to stay and spend it with him and her second cousin on her mother's side, Margaret ( Zooey Deschanel ). After solving the case, the Jeffersonian team attend the funeral of the man that was killed after they discover he was forced into the robbery, comforting the mother who was his only family. The team later celebrate a Christmas dinner at Brennan's.

THE PIRATE PLANET BY: DOUGLAS ADAMS Part Two Running time: 25:30 [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Gentlemen, the rogue telepath has not been destroyed. I ordered that he should be so. He's been allowed to fall into the hands of the Mentiads. I ordered that he should not be so allowed. Failure is something I find very hard to come to terms with. Right, Mister Fibuli? FIBULI: Oh yes, sir. Very true, sir. CAPTAIN: By all the flaming moons of Heretes, not two hours since you very nearly blew up every engine in this mountain! FIBULI: Yes, sir, but the cause was external. You said that yourself. Something extraordinary happened to the whole fabric of the space time continuum at that moment. CAPTAIN: Have you discovered the cause of that yet? FIBULI: Not yet, sir. Busy working on it, sir. CAPTAIN: Then you have failed to find it, Mister Fibuli. CAPTAIN: Failed, failed, failed! When someone fails me, someone dies! CAPTAIN: I hope you find the cause very soon, Mister Fibuli. I hope you will not fail me again. [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Doctor. DOCTOR: Shush. K9: Master. DOCTOR: What hit me? KIMUS: The Mentiads did something. I don't know what I can tell you. DOCTOR: I wasn't asking you. What hit me, K9? K9: A gestalt generated psychokinetic blast, master, on a wavelength of three three eight point seven nine micropars with oka-interference patterns reaching a peak power level of five three four seven point two on the Vantalla psychoscale. DOCTOR: Five four three point seven two? K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: (to camera) That's what I thought. BALATON: Pralix has gone. The Mentiads have taken him. DOCTOR: Don't worry, don't worry, I'll find him. KIMUS: That's if he's still alive. DOCTOR: Do you know where the Mentiads live? KIMUS: No. They just arrive in the city and then depart. They're all too scared to follow them. DOCTOR: They? Who's they? KIMUS: The cowards who live in this city. DOCTOR: You're not frightened? KIMUS: No. DOCTOR: You just didn't get round to it, is that it? KIMUS: I mean I will follow them. DOCTOR: So will I. MULA: And so will I. BALATON: No, Mula. Haven't we lost enough already? K9: Master? DOCTOR: Not now, K9, not now. Now, K9, can you track the Mentiads by their psychospore? K9: Affirmative, master. Psychokinetic energy on that level leaves considerable disturbance in the ether. DOCTOR: Excellent, excellent. Right, who's coming? Kimus? Mula? Balaton? BALATON: No, I don't want any part of this madness. I don't want to hear Mentiads, guards, madness. DOCTOR: All right, all right. Romana? Romana? Where's Romana? K9: She has been arrested, master. DOCTOR: What? K9: She sent me to inform you. DOCTOR: Why didn't you? K9: I made four attempts, master, but you would not allow me to tell you, master. DOCTOR: It just means two rescue attempts. After all, Romana has the tracer, you see. Now, where will they have taken her? MULA: To the Bridge. KIMUS: No one ever comes back from the Bridge. MULA: Except the guards. DOCTOR: No one? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Get in. ROMANA: I shall take that as an invitation. ROMANA: Thank you. Will you drive? I assume you know where we're going. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Right. Heads we go after Romana first, tails we go after Pralix first, hmm? MULA: Tails. DOCTOR: Heads. MULA: How can you take such a dangerous decision like that, just leaving it to chance. DOCTOR: Two kings on Aldebaran Three. MULA: That's not fair. DOCTOR: Oh yes, it is. If my guess is correct, Romana's in much greater danger than Pralix. Now, how do we get to this Bridge? MULA: I'm not going there. I'm going after Pralix. DOCTOR: But Mula MULA: I'll find my own way! KIMUS: Oh, it's no use once she's made up her mind. I'll have to go after her myself. DOCTOR: No, no, no, you stay here. KIMUS: But Mula needs me. DOCTOR: I need you here. It'll be all right. K9? K9: Master. DOCTOR: I'm putting Mula in your charge. Take her to the Mentiads but look after her. Is that clearly understood? K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: Off you go. We'll follow along later. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: I had an aircar rather like this once. It was a present for my seventieth birthday. Did you know that if you realign the magnetic vectors and fit a polarity oscillator, you get twice the speed for half the energy. [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: That's the Bridge, up there. DOCTOR: How do we get to it? KIMUS: We don't. DOCTOR: One of those, is it? How do the guards get there? KIMUS: In their aircars, of course. DOCTOR: Aircars? KIMUS: Yes. DOCTOR: Aircars? KIMUS: There's one over there. DOCTOR: Help me borrow it. KIMUS: Borrow it? That's the Captain's. DOCTOR: Well, I don't mind going first class, do you? KIMUS: No. DOCTOR: Come on. DOCTOR: Bye, bye! [SCENE_BREAK] FIBULI: Er, Captain? Captain, sir. CAPTAIN: Speak. FIBULI: Bad news, sir. CAPTAIN: By the horns of the prophet Balag, speak! FIBULI: The macromat field integrator has burnt out, sir. It's one of the four components we can't replace ourselves, sir. Well, we are faced with two alternatives, Captain. Three alternatives. We can try to find a new macromat field integrator, though I can't envisage how we would do that. Alternatively, there is a very rare mineral, PJX one eight, which would conceivably do the same job as the integrator, if we could find any. Either way, sir, in our current condition we could only possibly make one more jump and that would be risky in the extreme. CAPTAIN: And the third alternative, Mister Fibuli? FIBULI: Is for Zanak to settle where it is, sir. CAPTAIN: No, by the sky demon! I say no! [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Hey, this is marvellous. Freedom at last! DOCTOR: You're not free yet. KIMUS: Free to think. It's amazing. The city looks so pretty from up here. Yes, even the mines do. You know, that's our entire life. DOCTOR: Tell me about those mines. KIMUS: Well, we extract all the raw material that we need from them. DOCTOR: Who goes down them? Do you go down? KIMUS: No. DOCTOR: Mentiads? KIMUS: No. DOCTOR: No one? KIMUS: No. They're automated, you see. We just run the equipment. DOCTOR: What happens when they run out? KIMUS: The Captain announces a new golden age of prosperity. They just fill up again. DOCTOR: What, just like that? KIMUS: Yeah. Well, you don't think that's wrong, do you? DOCTOR: Wrong? It's an economic miracle. Of course it's wrong. KIMUS: Oh. Oh then, of course, the lights change. DOCTOR: What lights? KIMUS: You know, the lights. The ones on the sky at night. Little points of light. DOCTOR: Do you mean the stars? KIMUS: Look down there. I think there's some sort of entrance into the mountain. DOCTOR: Might be the way to the Bridge. KIMUS: Say, you're very good at this. Do you drive these things for a living? DOCTOR: No. I save planets, mostly, but this time I think I've arrived far, far too late. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: What is your function? ROMANA: Well, as a Time Lord, I can travel about in space and, of course CAPTAIN: Pah! Common space urchin. Pah! You shall die. ROMANA: And of course, time. Hence Time Lord. CAPTAIN: Time travel? You expect me to believe such nonsense? ROMANA: Yes, it is a difficult concept. CAPTAIN: The insolent breath of idle fantasy! Death comes now! NURSE: Captain? Captain? The excitement of more than one execution in a day is bad for your blood pressure. Perhaps you should postpone it till tomorrow. CAPTAIN: Postpone? NURSE: Yes. I think her story sounds quite interesting, even if it is idle fantasy. Why don't you ask her how this machine she mentions travels. CAPTAIN: Speak. ROMANA: Well, roughly speaking, and putting it terribly simply, it dematerialises in one location, passes through a space time vortex and then rematerialises again in a new location. NURSE: I think that sounds terribly interesting. Don't you? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well? KIMUS: It's locked. We'll never get it open. It's impossible. DOCTOR: Huh. Impossible? That means it'll take seventy three seconds. We can ill afford it. Move over. KIMUS: What, you mean you can open it? DOCTOR: Well, of course I can open it. It's just a question of how. KIMUS: How? DOCTOR: I haven't got the faintest idea. DOCTOR: Hmm. KIMUS: But it's still locked. DOCTOR: I haven't finished yet. Bent hairpin. The more sophisticated the technology, the more vulnerable it is to primitive attack. People often overlook the obvious. KIMUS: Doctor, that's amazing. DOCTOR: Shall we go? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Well, whatever it is, it's obviously burnt out. CAPTAIN: A whining infant could tell me that. Your time is running out. ROMANA: I'm sorry. I was never any good at antiques. It's probably just an old macromat field integrator or something. FIBULI: Captain, she does know. CAPTAIN: By the beard of the sky demon, the jaws of death were hot about your neck. ROMANA: That must be part of a massive dematerialisation circuit. CAPTAIN: It is part of a system that transports us instantly through space. ROMANA: You mean the whole mountain? You take this whole mountain with you through space? Amazing. [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Doctor, this goes on for ever. DOCTOR: Yes, it certainly looks like it. KIMUS: Come on, we'd better hurry. KIMUS: Doctor, what's happening? DOCTOR: Come on. DOCTOR: Kimus, I want you to do something very important for me. KIMUS: Yes. DOCTOR: Go out to the aircar, fetch the guard's gun KIMUS: Right! DOCTOR: Stand outside on guard. KIMUS: Ah, no, Doctor, I'd rather come with you. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. That's the most valuable thing you can do. There are so many things here you can't understand, and a linear induction corridor is one of them. DOCTOR: See you later. DOCTOR: I'll never be cruel to an electron in a particle accelerator again. DOCTOR: Good heavens. Ah, of course. It isn't a linear induction corridor. It must work by neutralising inertia. DOCTOR: A lift? [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Do you think she can repair it, Mister Fibuli? FIBULI: Well, sir, in my opinion it's irreparable, but it occurs to me she must have something similar aboard her own vessel. CAPTAIN: Girl! What is your diagnosis? Can it be repaired? ROMANA: Repaired? Yes, I should think so. You'd have to ask the Doctor, though. CAPTAIN: Doctor? Are there more intruders upon this planet? ROMANA: Oh yes. I'm only his assistant. He's the one you should be talking to. Or rather, listening to, if you have the stamina. CAPTAIN: All guards on alert! There is an intruder on the planet. His name is the Doctor. I repeat, the Doctor. CAPTAIN: He must be found and brought to the bridge instantly. GUARD: We must find the Doctor. DOCTOR: Hello, hello. FIBULI: Hello. DOCTOR: (to Fibuli) I'm the Doctor. Delighted to meet you. Heard so much about what a splendid chap you are. I see, I see you've met my assistant, Romana. Getting on like a house on fire, are you? She's a lovely girl. What a splendid place you've got here. Are you having a spot of bother? CAPTAIN: Seize him! DOCTOR: Such hospitality. I'm underwhelmed. CAPTAIN: Doctor, beware. Your manner appeals only to the homicidal side of my nature. DOCTOR: My manners are impeccable. ROMANA: Doctor, I think this is the root of the trouble. DOCTOR: Macromat field integrator. Has the whizz-bang gone wrong? ROMANA: Yes, and the amblicyclic photon bridge. DOCTOR: And the amblicyclic photon? Would you mind if I examined its locus? CAPTAIN: Locus? DOCTOR: Locus. FIBULI: There, there, Captain. CAPTAIN: Release him. Take them to the engine room. If they make one mistake, kill them. ROMANA: Oh, Mister Fibuli? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Whoa. Look at that, Romana. ROMANA: Amazing. I suppose you're going to tell me you've seen it all before. DOCTOR: No, actually. Not like this. ROMANA: Really? DOCTOR: Really. I suspected something of the kind. Come on, let's look busy. ROMANA: What do you mean, you suspected DOCTOR: Shush. ROMANA: What do you mean, you suspected. DOCTOR: (loud) Gravitic anomalising input reading, nine point five. (quietly) Nine point five. ROMANA: (loud) Gravitic anomalising input reading nine point five, check. DOCTOR: I mean I had my suspicions. ROMANA: You mean you knew they were here? You knew that this mountain's really a spaceship and it's broken down? DOCTOR: More or less, yes. ROMANA: But how? How did you know? DOCTOR: Well, I just put one point seven nine five three seven two and two point two oh four six two eight together. ROMANA: And what does that mean? DOCTOR: Four! ROMANA: Four! FIBULI: What are they after, Captain, and what do they want here? CAPTAIN: That is what we must find out. We must let them lead us into their vessel. The guards have tried to gain entry to it but have failed, so we must allow them a little rope. DOCTOR: Romana? ROMANA: Hmm? DOCTOR: We are in very, very, very great danger. ROMANA: What, from the Captain? DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: Oh, he's just a terrible old bully. All that by the evil nose of the sky demon nonsense is just bluster. DOCTOR: The Captain is a very clever and very dangerous man. He's playing with us. He wants to find out why we've come here. ROMANA: The reason why we've come here is to find the second segment of the key, in case you'd forgotten. Getting involved in all this DOCTOR: Is the only way to find it. What does the tracer say? ROMANA: I just don't understand it. It seems to give out a continuous signal wherever we go. DOCTOR: What? That's it, then. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: The answer. Romana, we've stumbled on one of the most heinous crimes ever committed in this galaxy. We've got to get out of here and get out of here quickly. Come on. DOCTOR: Ahem. Er, Captain? Your magnifactoid eccentricolometer's definitely on the blink. CAPTAIN: You know what will happen if I even begin to suspect you of sabotage? DOCTOR: Sabotage? Captain, it's more than my reputation's worth. CAPTAIN: Or your life? DOCTOR: Or my life, as you say. Yes, yes. We've got to go back to our own ship now and prepare some special equipment. CAPTAIN: The girl stays here. DOCTOR: Well, I'm afraid that's not possible. You see, we have a special lock fitted to the TARDIS door, and it requires the physical presence of both of us to open it. That's clever, don't you think? CAPTAIN: Guards, escort them to their ship. Any attempt to escape is to be met with instant obliteration. DOCTOR: It's a pleasure to work with you, Captain. Well, come on. Don't just stand there, escort us. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Standing around all day looking tough must be very wearing on the nerves, hmm? DOCTOR: I said, standing around all day looking tough must be very wearing on the nerves! DOCTOR: Long hours, violence, no intellectual stimulation. [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Doctor! DOCTOR: And now this happens. DOCTOR: (to fallen guard) I'd give it up if I were you. Kimus? KIMUS: Doctor? DOCTOR: We've got a lot of travelling to do. KIMUS: Where are we going? DOCTOR: To investigate your miraculous mines. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: This is where the Mentiad psychospore ends. MULA: You mean they live there? The Mentiads? K9: Affirmative. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Escaped? Escaped? Your incompetence beggars the imagination! Teeth of the devil, there will be blood for this. There will be blood! [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: This way. The interior of the mines are fully automated. There is an ancient lift shaft, but nobody's used it in living memory. ROMANA: Why not? KIMUS: The penalty is death. DOCTOR: Huh. I can see there wouldn't be much incentive. DOCTOR: You know, I think that'll work. Let's see. DOCTOR: Right. Now hold on very tight. [SCENE_BREAK] FIBULI: Captain, they're in the mineshaft. CAPTAIN: The mineshaft. Moons of madness! Mister Fibuli? FIBULI: Yes, sir. CAPTAIN: We must find a way of breaking into their vessel without their help. Once they have seen what lies at the bottom of the mineshaft, they must never leave alive. Never! Guards, the intruders in the mineshaft must be obliterated! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Where are we, Doctor? DOCTOR: About three miles beneath the surface of Zanak, I'd say. ROMANA: Three miles? DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: But it's so cold. DOCTOR: Yes. And wet and icy. Ah! Romana, this entire planet's hollow. ROMANA: Hollow? DOCTOR: Yes, hollow. Hollow! Can't you work it out? Go on, take a look. Go on, look. Look! You all right? KIMUS: It's all beyond me, Doctor. I don't know where I am. ROMANA: It's frozen ground, Doctor. I don't understand. Cold, wet. DOCTOR: Come here and listen. Now listen, Kimus. The reason the stars in your sky change is because they don't. KIMUS: They don't? DOCTOR: No. Your entire planet jumps through space ROMANA: Those engines! DOCTOR: Yes, those engines. Huge enough to dematerialise an entire hollow planet, flip it halfway across the galaxy and rematerialise it round its chosen prey. ROMANA: You mean other planets? DOCTOR: Yes, like a huge fist. It's one huge mining machine that mines planets, extracts all the valuable minerals and leaves the rubble behind. ROMANA: Then what we're standing on now DOCTOR: Is the planet we originally came looking for. DOCTOR + ROMANA: Calufrax. ROMANA: Buried inside Zanak? DOCTOR: Buried inside Zanak, the pirate planet, and having the goodness sucked out of it. KIMUS: Do you mean that whole other worlds have died to make us rich? Whole other worlds like ours? DOCTOR: Whole other worlds. ROMANA: Some of them inhabited. DOCTOR: The oolian stone I picked up in the street. Bandraginus Five! I knew I'd heard that name somewhere before. I remember now. About a hundred years ago it disappeared without trace. A planet of a thousand million souls, Captain fodder. KIMUS: Bandraginus Five, by every last breath in my body, you'll be avenged. ROMANA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? ROMANA: The tracer, it's gone mad. The second segment must be down here somewhere. DOCTOR: Yes, I thought so. KIMUS: Doctor! GUARD: There they are! Kill them! Kill them! Kill them! MENTIAD: Doctor, we have come for you.

Plan: A: the Mentiads; Q: Who knocks the Doctor out? A: the planets bridge; Q: Where is Romana taken? A: the engines; Q: What does the Doctor end up being forced to help repair? Summary: After the Mentiads knock the Doctor out, he discovers that Romana has been taken to the planets bridge. He then travels to the bridge to help her and ends up being forced to help repair the engines.

[Scene: Outside the Spencer's house. Allison is there. Elliot walks up to her holding a rose.] Elliot: Mrs. Allison Spencer I presume. (She takes the rose off of him and smells it.) Allison: You mean Mrs. Allison Michaels Spencer don't you? Elliot: You wanna be alone? Allison: No. Elliot: You're not getting cold feet are you? Allison: No, Elliot, I am definitely not getting cold feet. I love you, you know that. Elliot: But... Allison: I don't know, it's just so overwhelming. I mean, after all these years of dreaming about us getting married, I just, I don't want anything bad to happen, that's all. Elliot: I've got an idea. Let's elope. Allison: Yeah, right, like your mum would really allow that. (They kiss.) Grace: Elliot? Allison: Speak of the devil. (Grace walks up to them.) Elliot: Hi mum. Grace: I have been looking all over for you. Did you get the marriage certificate yet? Elliot: Not yet. Grace: Well, you have to. The wedding won't be legal without it. Allison: We're going to City Hall tomorrow before the rehearsal dinner. Grace: But why not go today? Elliot: Mum, relax will you. Why are you so bent about this? (Allison sees Jade standing near by.) Allison: Who's that? Grace: Oh, no. Elliot: Who is it? Grace: Someone I haven't seen for a long time. (Mrs. Spencer walks over to Jade.) What are you doing here? Jade: What's the matter? Forget about our little pact? Grace: No, Jade, but I was hoping that you did. My God, you haven't aged in twenty years. Jade: You could've asked for eternal youth, Grace, instead of wealth, power, all this. You've had a good life haven't you? (Kirsten walks up to them.) Kirsten: Where to? Jade: Oh, have the butler show you to our rooms. Tell him Mrs. Spencer was expecting us. (Kirsten leaves.) Grace: You can't just move in here. People will be suspicious. What will I say? Jade: Say the truth. Say your son's had a change of heart. That was our deal remember? Don't worry, Elliot won't even know what you did until it's over. (Jade uses her power and Elliot collapses on the ground.) Allison: Elliot! Elliot! (Allison starts screaming.) Help me! No! [Scene: One week later at the Manor. Prue knocks on the bathroom door.] Prue: Piper, are you still in there? [Cut in the bathroom. Piper's in there holding up a pregnancy test.] Piper: I'm almost done. Prue: Define almost. Piper: Just give me another minute... or two. Prue: You're positive? Piper: (whispering) I hope not. Prue: Piper, I cannot be late today. Piper: (whispering) I know the feeling. Prue: My first biannual auction starts tomorrow and... Prue, Piper: I want to do a good job. Piper: Yes, I know. Prue: So, can you hurry? Piper: Just use the bathroom downstairs. Prue: All my stuff is up here. Piper: Well, borrow mine. It's all down there. Prue: But then... never mind. (Prue leaves and Phoebe walks up to the bathroom. She knocks on the door.) Phoebe: Piper? Piper: I'll be right out. Phoebe: Is there any hot water left? (Piper throws the pregnancy test box in the bin and opens the door.) Piper: What? Phoebe: Am I in for a cold shower? Yes or no? Piper: At certain times in our life, a cold shower is probably a good thing. Phoebe: Not three mornings in a row, it's not. (Piper leaves and Phoebe walks in the bathroom. She starts brushing her teeth and notices the box in the bin. She picks it up and has a premonition of a demon being born.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's there cooking some food. She gets a tray of hor's d'ouevres out of the oven. Prue walks in. The phone rings and Piper answers it.] Piper: Hello? (listens) Okay, thanks. Bye. (She hangs up.) Prue: The three of us definitely need to figure out some kind of a morning schedule. Piper: I think I'm gonna be sick. Prue: In the upstairs or downstairs bathroom? Piper: Maybe Phoebe can help me cater the Elliot Spencer wedding tomorrow. Prue: Shouldn't you check with the chef who hired you first? Prue: That would be Chef Moore. Prue: Ah. Piper: Who is on his way to France and since technically the contract is with Quake, he is off hook and I'm on the line. Now I have to tell one of the most richest families in the city that the chef they hired can't do their wedding. They're stuck with me and I hope they go for it. Prue: Bright side? Who else they can hire in twenty-four hours? Piper, it's not the end of the world. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: What's not the end of the world? Prue: Piper's problem. Phoebe: Oh, you know too? Prue: She just told me. Piper: (to Phoebe) How do you know? Phoebe: Oh, I... Prue: Piper can definitely handle this. Frankly, I don't even think anyone will notice. Piper: (to Phoebe) I thought maybe you could help me. Phoebe: Me? What can I do? Piper: Pick up some supplies. Tie some bows. Offer moral support if I panic and freeze anything. Ten bucks an hour. Prue: Ooh, I'd take it. Good luck with the wedding. (Prue leaves.) Piper: So, will you do it? Phoebe: Yeah, sure. Piper: Okay. Here's a list of supplies I need. I'll go to the Spencer Estate and you can meet me there at 1:00. Phoebe: You and Prue were really just talking about a wedding? Piper: Yeah, what did you think we were talking about? Phoebe: Jeremy and his aftermath. You know, you slept with him. Piper: Don't ever mention that warlock's name again. It is over. He's in demon hell. End of story. Wedding yes, warlocks no. Am I clear? Good, because there is nothing in me that wants anything to do with Jeremy ever again. (Piper walks out of the room and Phoebe picks up an hor's d'ouevres.) Piper: (from other room) Don't touch those. (Phoebe puts it back.) [Scene: Outside the Spencer's house. Piper drives in the driveway and stops beside an intercom.] Man's Voice: Yes, may I help you? Piper: Uh, my name is Piper Halliwell, I'm the caterer. Man's Voice: I have Chef Moore listed as the caterer. Piper: Yeah, there's been changed. Man's Voice: Sorry ma'am. Piper: I've got ice sculptures melting over wedding cake. I've got to get in now. Man's Voice: Someone will be with you in a moment. (The gates open and two security guards walk down the driveway. A priest appears at Piper's window.) Priest: Please, I have to get in into the compound. This is a matter of utmost importance. I must get in. (The security guards grab the priest.) Security Guard: Father Trask. We've been expecting you. Piper: Hey, easy on the padre, buddy. Security Guard: Go right ahead in, ma'am. Priest: She is the bearer of the demon child. Beware Hecate. Piper: (to herself) Hecate? Okay. (She drives in.) [Scene: Bucklands. Rex's office. Prue and Hannah are there looking at some items.] Prue: It's a Lassa warrior fertility goddess. Very rare and very powerful. The tribe believed that its mere presence would help a woman conceive. Hannah: Hmm. You take it. My biological clock's not the one that's ticking. (Rex walks in.) Rex: Prue, your, um, sister's here to see you. She's waiting in your office. Prue: Which sister? Rex: The one who upon seeing your office, said "Damn, I should go back to college." Prue: Phoebe. Well, for once her timing's good. The fertility icon has been catalogued. Rex: I'm sorry. It's, uh, no longer available. (Prue leaves.) Hannah. That was very careless of you. You should know for whom we acquired this. Hannah: Look, her sister's catering the wedding. Prue won't even be there. [Cut to Prue's office. Phoebe's sitting at Prue's desk talking on the phone. Prue walks in.] Phoebe: Oh, gotta go. (She hangs up.) This place rocks. No wonder you never want to come home. Prue: Get out of my chair. (Phoebe stands up and picks up a notepad.) Phoebe: I love too that you found time to scribble a morning shower schedule for we Halliwell sisters. I noticed that I'm the last. Prue: What are you doing here? I thought that you were helping Piper with the wedding. Phoebe: I am but I need to talk to you. Prue: You've got, uh, five minutes. Go. Phoebe: Okay, uh, I had a vision this morning and in this vision a thing was being born, so I started to think back, oh, six, eight weeks ago... Prue: Oh my God, you're pregnant. Phoebe: What? Prue: That's why you came back from New York, isn't it? Phoebe: No. But I shouldn't be surprised that you would think that. After all, I am the irresponsible sister, the black sheep who always screws up, the dark cloud over the Halliwell household. Prue: Phoebe... Phoebe: Okay, I'm not pregnant. Prue: But then why... Phoebe: Excuse me. I think I still have two more minutes. FYI, you have another sister who has had s*x. Remember Jeremy? The guy who blew up in the attic? The warlock boyfriend? Think about it, Prue. Because it wasn't me in that vision having the demon child. It was Piper. So, if you won't believe me, you can believe my power. [Scene: Outside the Spencer's house. Allison is there. Grace storms up to her.] Grace: You have to stop calling here, Allison. Do you understand? Allison: Do I understand? Are you kidding me? What the hell's going on? Why won't Elliot return any of my calls? Grace: I can't explain right now. Allison: You better damn well explain because I am not leaving here until you do. I have called the police, the sheriff, nobody will listen to me, nobody believes me. Grace: I know how hard this must be... Allison: Who is this Jade? Grace: She's an old acquaintance of the family. Allison: I don't believe that. Elliot would've told me about her. Grace: There are many things about our family that you will never understand. Allison: Then let Elliot explain it to me. If he's gonna marry somebody else I wanna hear it from him. Grace: It is over Allison, that is all you need to know. Elliot doesn't love you anymore. Allison: How can you say that? Grace: I'm sorry. He's going to marry Jade D'Mon. Please don't ever call here again. (She walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Spencer's house. Kitchen. Piper's there.] Piper: (to a cook) Keep that at a simmer, not a boil. (Piper walks over to the table and buries her face in her hands. Phoebe walks in carrying two bags of groceries.) Phoebe: Hey, sis. Piper: Finally. Did you get everything? Phoebe: Most of it. Piper (to a cook) No, wait. I've got buns in the oven. Phoebe: (to herself) You're not kidding. Piper: Phoebe, I expected you over an hour ago. Where have you been? Phoebe: I went to see Prue. Piper: At the Auction House? That's all the way down... what you were doing there? Phoebe: Adding more bricks to the wall between us. (The butler walks in.) Butler: Mrs. Spencer and Miss D'Mon will see you now. Piper: Miss D'Mon? Butler: The bride... Jade D'Mon. Piper: But I thought the bride's name was Allison... Butler: Does not like to be kept waiting. Piper, Phoebe: (whispering) Okay. [Cut to a room. Jade, Grace and a dress maker is there. Jade is wearing the wedding dress and the dress maker is pinning the bottom of it.] Grace: Oh, my son is very lucky. You're going to be a beautiful bride, Jade. Jade: Thank you, Grace. (The butler, Piper and Phoebe walk in the room.) Butler: Miss Piper Halliwell. Phoebe: And her sister chopped liver. Piper: Mrs. Spencer, it's so nice of you to see me. (to Jade) Um, wow, your dress, it's beautiful. I'd recognize the style anywhere. It's a Shiro, isn't it? Jade: Is it? Grace: How are things in the kitchen? Piper: Um, right on schedule. The lobsters arrive tomorrow morning. The hor's d'ouevres are ready, Chef Moore is in France and the puff pastries are baking. Jade: What? Grace: Chef Moore's gone? Piper: Yeah. Um, I'll be handling the catering. Grace: Charles, get me my pill. Jade: My wedding, it's ruined. Piper: Oh, my, no, no, I-I would never let that happen. I know you may have made the deal with Chef Moore but I have been involved with every step of the preparation. So if you'll let me, I can guarantee a wedding that your children and your grandchildren will talk about for generations. Phoebe: Okay, okay. We don't need to talk about children just yet. Look, you don't know me. Hell, I barely know me. (She laughs. Grace and Jade stare at her.) Okay, I do know my sister and she is the best damn chef of this city. No one, and I do mean, no one puts the love and tender care that Piper puts into her cooking. So, you should not only be grateful that Chef Moore bagged out but you should consider yourselves lucky. Jade: If there is even the slightest hitch, I will have your head. Kidding. (Piper laughs nervously.) Grace: Then it's settled. Piper: Uh, no. Actually there's just one more thing, I need to confirm the party trays for the bachelor and bachelorette parties tonight. Um, it looks like no decision has been made yet about the type of deli sandwiches for the bachelor party. Jade: Whatever you decide is fine. Grace: I think my son can make any decisions about his own bachelor party. Jade: Then we'll ask him together. Phoebe: I thought it was bad luck to see the bride before the... (Piper pinches Phoebe's arm.) Ouch. Piper: Come on. (Piper and Phoebe walk out of the room. The dress maker continues pinning Jade's dress. Jade moves and the pin sticks straight into her skin. Jade doesn't even feel it. The dressmaker stops and stares at it in shock. Jade looks down at her.) Jade: Is there a problem? Dressmaker: No, no problem at all. (She pulls the pin out.) Uh, I-I'm finished. Jade: Then go. [Cut to outside the Spencer's house. Security guards are there.] Security Guard #1: Hey, Derek, get over here. (Derek runs over near a truck where the other security guards are standing.) Derek: What's the matter? What happened? Security Guard #1: The priest, he got away from us. Derek: What? Check the perimeters. Go. (They run off.) (into his radio) All sectors code three. Father Trask is on the ground. Find him. (He leaves. You see Father Trask hiding inside the truck. He takes off his coat and puts on another coat. He then sticks the poingnard down his pants and gets out of the truck.) [Cut back inside the house. Allison sneaks into Elliot's room. Elliot is laying on his bed reading a magazine. She sits on the bed.] Allison: Oh, Elliot, what have they done to you. (He puts down his magazine and stares blankly at her.) Listen to me, Elliot. You can't go through with this wedding. Jade doesn't love you, she barely even knows you. (Jade, Grace and Kirsten walks in.) Jade: Well, if it isn't Allison. Elliot: Allison? Allison: Yes. Jade: Don't just stand there, call security. Grace: Of course. Allison: Don't bother, I was just leaving. (Allison stands up.) Kirsten: Let me show you the door. (They leave.) [Cut to the hallway. The alarm is on. Piper and Phoebe are running down the hallway.] Piper: Is that the alarm? What happened? (They run into the foyer. Father Trask walks past them.) Hey, that's the priest. (Kirsten has a hold of Allison's arm and is pulling Allison down the stairs. Jade and Elliot are standing on the second looking over.) Allison: Don't forget, Elliot. Remember what I said. It's not too late. Elliot: Don't hurt Allison. (Jade pulls Elliot back in his room.) Jade: Get in here. (Phoebe and Piper see Father Trask walking up the stairs with the poingnard in his hand. They run off.) [Cut to Elliot's room. Jade is staring out the window. Father Trask walks in holding the poingnard up in front of him. Jade turns around.] Jade: Father Trask. Father Trask: I banish thee back to the underworld, Hecate. Jade: Not today, Trask. (Kirsten appears behind him and turns into a demon. She grabs his head and snaps his neck.) Now get rid of him. [Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe and Piper run up to a security guard.] Piper: He's after the bride upstairs. (They hear a smash and run outside.) [Cut to outside. Father Trask is lying on the driveway.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Spencer's House. Police have arrived. Phoebe, Piper and Allison are standing near by. Allison is crying. Piper hands her a tissue.] Piper: Here you go. Allison: Thanks. Piper: No worries. This is all kind of freaky, huh? Allison: You have no idea. Phoebe: What my sister meant to say was, what is up with you and Elliot? Piper: Phoebe... Phoebe: You love him, don't you? Allison: With all my heart. Phoebe: Okay, well, if that's true, then why... Allison: I've gotta go. (She leaves.) Piper: This is so sad. We have to do something. Phoebe: Yeah, but what? Piper: I don't know. We're good witches. It's our job, right? Phoebe: I wouldn't be worrying about Allison's problem just yet. (Phoebe pats Piper's stomach.) Piper: What the...? [Cut to Andy and Morris. They are questioning Jade.] Jade: How many times do I have to go through this? Andy: Until I'm sure I understand. Did you say Father Trask chased you to the window? Jade: Yes, with that big knife. He was saying the most horrific things. Crazy things. He lunged at me. I screamed and I ducked and the next thing I knew, he was dead. Can I go now? Have like a million things to do before my wedding tomorrow. Morris: Sure. (She walks away.) Andy: Sorry the dead man on your your driveway is such an inconvenience. Morris: Welcome to the lifestyles of the rich and shameless. Andy: Look at that window, Morris. Look where Trask landed. Tell me how anyone could jump that far. Morris: That's why we get paid medium bucks. To figure it out. [Cut inside the house. Grace and Kirsten are on the second floor.] Grace: Kirsten, killing a priest is not part of our deal. Kirsten: Word of advice. You keep your eyes closed and your mouth shut. In twenty-four hours Jade will be pregnant and all of this will be over. (Kirsten turns to leave but Grace grabs her arm.) Grace: If anything happens to my son Elliot. Kirsten: You should've thought about that before you agreed to our arrangement. And let me remind you about one more thing, Mrs. Spencer, we're still on the second floor. (She walks off.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Prue's sitting at her desk. Rex walks in.] Rex: You wanted to see me, Prue? Prue: Yeah, I wanted to know what you wanted me to do with the fertility icon? Rex: Uh, sorry? Prue: Well, it's the companion piece to the female icon. The one you didn't want catalogued before. Rex: Oh, right, yeah. Um, yeah, by all means, go ahead and tag this one for the auction. The particular client only wanted the female icon. Prue: Okay. Rex: It's a wedding gift, actually. Quite a exquisite one at that, for the Spencer bride. Prue: Spencer? Really? My sister's catering that wedding. Rex: Is she? Small world. Is that the sister that I met? Um, Phoebe? Prue: No, I have another sister, Piper. Although Phoebe will be helping her out. Rex: I see. And what about you then? Prue: Me? I don't do weddings. Rex: I was just wondering how close you and your sisters were. Anyway, carry on. [Cut to Rex's office. Hannah's there. Rex walks in.] Hannah: Well? Rex: Fortunately you're right. Prue won't be in attendance. Hannah: Hmm. Does that mean we can still go? Rex: No, no, I'm afraid not, it's too risky. Don't pout, Hannah. I'm sure we can think of something to do. Perhaps we can go to a football match. And watch some players get injured. Huh? [Cut back to Prue's office. She's squatting on the floor holding the fertility icon. She's peeling a sticky tag off of its... you know. Andy walks in and sees what she's doing.] Andy: I'll come back when you're alone. (Prue puts the icon in its box.) Prue: Uh, no. (She stands up.) It's, it's okay, I'm finished. Somebody just put a sticky inventory tag on his... uh... on the, uh... Andy: Artefact? Prue: Yeah, yes. The artefact. I should know that word, shouldn't I? (She sits down at her desk.) Uh, where is your, um... Andy: Artefact? Right here. (He shows her a large envelope that he's holding.) Prue: May I? Andy: It's all yours. (He hands it to her.) It's the knife I called you about. (She opens the envelope and pulls out the poingnard. She looks at it.) Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. Prue: Anytime. I'm happy you called. This poingnard is exquisite. 14th century. Italian. (She reads the words engraved on the blade.) "Nec prius absistit quoad protero prodigium." Andy: My Latin's a little rusty. Uh, "He shall not..." Prue: "I shall not. I shall not rest until the demon is vanquished". Let me see what else I can find. (She searches through some stuff on her computer.) You found this at a crime scene? Andy: It was on the victim. Prue: What was on the suspect? Chain mail and a coat of armour? Andy: It belonged to a priest. He was at the Grace Spencer estate. Prue: Spencer estate? Piper's catering a wedding there tomorrow. Andy: I know. I saw her and Phoebe. Don't worry, they're fine. (A picture of Hecate appears on the computer.) Prue: This can't be a coincidence. Andy: What? (He leans over the table to have a look but Prue moves the computer so he can't see.) Prue: Um, nothing. I'm just mumbling to myself. Do you mind if I keep this for a while? I would like to show it to Russell in armaments. Andy: Sure. I checked it out so you could research it. Prue: Right. I'll call you. (She stands up and leaves the room. Andy walks around the desk and has a look at the computer screen.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe's looking at a picture of Hecate in a book. Piper walks in holding a box of stuff.] Piper: I knew I wasn't crazy. Look at these matches. Look at these napkins. They all say "Allison and Elliot" not "Jade and Elliot". Phoebe: That explains a lot. Piper: And look at this. It's Chef Moore's contract for the wedding. Up top it says "The wedding of Allison Michaels and Elliot Spencer". Allison is supposed to marry Elliot tomorrow, not Jade. Phoebe: That's probably why she was crying. I wonder what happened? Piper: Me too. Can you imagine watching the man you love marry somebody else? Phoebe: No. Poor Allison. Piper: Now we have to help her. We're the only ones that know about this. We're the only ones who can. Phoebe: Okay, I can't hold this in any longer. Your name isn't Piper and that's the good news. You're really Hecate, Queen of the underworld. You're pregnant with the demon child, which means, I'm afraid I have to kill you. Piper: What? Phoebe: Not to worry. You have plenty of time. I still have to find the jewelled poingnard to kill you with. See? (She shows Piper a picture in the book. Prue walks in holding the poingnard.) Prue: Are you talking about this? Phoebe: The odds, Piper. What are the odds? Piper: I'm not pregnant. Trust me. Prue: Well, that's good news. Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's great news. (She hugs Piper.) You can live. Wait. My vision... Prue: Phoebe, what is it that you saw exactly? Phoebe: Well, I-I saw the thing being born. Prue: Did you see Piper? Phoebe: Yes, I saw her legs. Prue: Never saw her face? Phoebe: No. Piper: Hello, bickering sisters. I'm not pregnant but I am in the room. Phoebe, how did you know I took a pregnancy test? Phoebe: I, uh, found the box in the bathroom. Piper: You're supposed to take the trash out, not dig through it. Phoebe: Piper, it's not like that. Piper: We're making those bathroom schedules now. Prue: We have bigger problems to deal with. Cliff notes version. The priest who was killed today, he belonged to a secret order pledged to stop Hecate. Piper: Beware Hecate. That's what the Father Trask said. Then he tried to kill Jade. Prue: She's a demon. She comes to earth every two hundred years. She has to find a innocent, put him under her spell, and marry him in a sanctified wedding. Phoebe: That doesn't sound any different than most of the single women in this city. Prue: She needs Elliot to impregnate her. That way her child would look normal on the outside but internally and mentally, her child would be pure demon. Piper: This is huge. A child born into the wealth and power of the Spencer Family? Prue: I don't think it's a coincidence that you're catering the wedding. I think it's one of those things that we can kind of look forward to as protectors of the innocent. Phoebe: Hmm... Piper: Well, before we ruin the wedding and my career, let's make sure we're right about Jade. [Scene: Spencer's house. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are peeking through a window. Inside, Jade and her bridesmaids are sitting on a bed. Jade is opening presents. She holds up some lingerie.] Jade: This should make his assets rise. (They all giggle.) Prue: Looks like a normal bachelorette party to me. Piper: I don't believe it. They've barely touched my food. Prue: Piper... Piper: Those deli trays took hours. (Kirsten picks up the fertility icon.) Kirsten: And you know who this is from. They understand how important it is for you to get pregnant right away. (She hands it to Jade.) Prue: Hey, I know that piece, it's from the Auction House. (Someone knocks on the door.) Jade: Come in. (The door opens and a stripper dressed as a pizza delivery guy walks in.) Stripper: Hi. Pizza delivery. Piper: They ordered Pizza? (The stripper gets a small tape player out of the pizza bag and turns it on. He starts dancing.) Oh, okay, now I feel better. (The stripper starts removing his clothes.) Kirsten: Mmm, he looks good enough to eat. Jade: Good idea. (The women get off the bed and surround the stripper. They all touch him.) Girls, I'm the bride. (She scratches the stripper on his chest with her long fingernails. He starts bleeding. He yells in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there.] Prue: Somehow, we have to stop them. Phoebe: So, there's only one problem with our plan. We're assuming that Allison is gonna be a willing accomplice. Piper: She still loves Elliot. You heard what she said. Prue: And the Book of Shadows says that the spell can be broken by a declaration of love sealed with a kiss. Piper: It's so romantic. Just like a fairy tale. And once Elliot is out of her spell, Jade's out of luck, no wedding, no honeymoon night. Prue: No honeymoon, no s*x and no s*x, no monster child spending alternate weekends with daddy. Phoebe: I still say we rely on our Power of Three thing and ix-nay the monster bride and her carnivorous bridesmaids. Piper: Phoebe, we're supposed to help people, not harm them. Prue: And that's exactly what we're gonna do. You two will get Elliot, I'll get Allison, and we'll meet at the front of gate no later than 2:30. Everybody have their weapons? (Piper grabs her phone, Prue grabs her phone and Phoebe grabs the poingnard.) Prue: I'll take that. (She takes the poingnard off of Phoebe.) Okay, so, it's time to shower, shampoo and go kick some Hecate butt. (Prue leaves the room.) Phoebe: Did she just say shower? Piper: She did, didn't she? Phoebe, Piper: Hot water! (They chase after her.) [Scene: Church. A room. Andy and Morris are there looking around. Morris is on the phone.] Morris: Yeah, okay, thanks. (He hangs up.) Andy: Any reports? Morris: Mmm hmm. It is now officially a homicide. The priests neck was broken before he went out the window.. Andy: Told you. Morris: So, what? Are you saying that a little one hundred and twenty pound busting bride tossed him out the window? I don't think so. Andy: The security tapes from the estate will show who did it. Morris: Yeah, that's a good idea. (Morris gets a little notebook out of his coat pocket.) Andy: Already had them sent to the station. Morris: You did, did ya? (They leave.) [Scene: Manor. The doorbell rings. Prue walks in the foyer and opens the door.] Prue: Allison Michaels? Allison: Yes. Prue Halliwell? Prue: Thanks for coming. Come in. Allison: You said it was important. (Allison walks in and Prue closes the door. She shows Allison the napkin.) Where did you get this? Prue: This won't take long, I promise. [Scene: Outside Spencer's house. People are getting everything ready for the wedding. Phoebe and Piper are there.] Piper: (to a guy) Oh, I'll need those in the kitchen right away. Guy: Yes, ma'am. (A woman walks past them holding a tray of food.) Piper: (to woman) No, no, no, no, no. Not in the sun, get an umbrella. Phoebe: Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we trying to stop this wedding? Piper: You're right. I just can't help myself. Phoebe: Forget the food. Let's go. Piper: Okay. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue and Allison are there.] Allison: And everything was fine, right on schedule, until about, uh, six days ago. That's when Jade appeared out of nowhere and started working at the Spencer family business. And before I could say "I do", I was out and she was in. End of story. Prue: Did you talk to Elliot? Allison: They wouldn't even let me see him. Prue: Not a big surprise. Allison: It wouldn't make any difference anyway. The Elliot I know, the Elliot I love, isn't here anymore. Prue: What if I told you Elliot isn't himself because this woman has put him under a spell, so to speak. Allison, Elliot loves you, not Jade. Allison: If that were true, I would be the one walking down the aisle today. Prue: You still can be. All you have to do is crash your wedding. Allison: What? Prue: Look, it's not that crazy. The man that you love is marrying somebody else. Don't you want to do everything within your power to stop him? Allison: This isn't a fairy tale. Real life doesn't work that away. Prue: But what if you can get him back? Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life just wondering? In your heart of hearts, you must still love him. Allison: I do. God, I really do. Prue: Then let me help you. Allison: But you don't even know me. Why would you wanna help me? Prue: Have you ever seen that television show where there's the woman who's an angel and she helps strangers every week? Allison: I love that show. Prue: Don't get too excited, I'm nothing like that. But, uh, my sisters and I, we have special gifts. Allison: Gifts? What kind of gifts? Prue: Ones you can't return. Let's just say we come from a very interesting family three. Look, if you can, if you'll trust me, we can bring you and Elliot together. (Allison nods.) [Scene: Spencer's house. Elliot's room. Grace and Elliot are there.] Grace: Here we are. Finally. Your big day. (She touches his face.) Forgive me, son. [Cut to the hallway. Phoebe and Piper are there. Kirsten comes out of a room.] Piper: Stripper-eating bridesmaid ahead. Phoebe: Keep walking. Piper: Okay. (They walk up to Kirsten.) Phoebe: We need to talk to Mr. Spencer. Kirsten: No ones sees the groom before the ceremony. Piper: Actually that would be the bride. This'll only take a minute. Kirsten: What part of no did you not understand? Piper: The non-original part? (Mrs. Spencer comes out of the room.) Grace: Is there a problem? Phoebe: Ugh, don't even get me started. Piper: Could we talk to you for a sec? It'll... you know, in private? Grace: Certainly. (Phoebe, Piper and Grace walk down the hallway.) Grace: Is everything all right? Piper: It's about your son. Grace: What's wrong? Piper: Well, he, um, he's not supposed to marry Jade. Grace: I know. Phoebe: You do? Mrs. Spencer: I know more than you can possibly imagine. Piper: We can help him. Grace: No one can help us. It's too late. Phoebe: No, we have a plan. We can stop the wedding. Grace: (whispering) Go to the wine cellar. Wait for me there. I'll join you in ten minutes. (Kirsten looks over at them.) (louder) I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you. (Phoebe and Piper walk off.) [Cut to the wine cellar. Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Piper: Did you hear that? Phoebe: Not to worry, we still have thirty minutes before the wedding. (Piper and Phoebe walk down the stairs. Two bridesmaids walk in and turn into demons.) Piper: This is bad. Phoebe: Real bad. Freeze them. (Piper tries to freeze them.) Piper: I'm trying. It's not working. Phoebe: Yes, it is. Look. (A fly is frozen in mid-air.) You froze the fly. You have to be closer to the object you're trying to freeze. Piper: Forget it. Run. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. A police officer puts a box of security tapes on Andy and Morris's desk.] Police officer: Here you go, Inspector. (Morris picks up a video tape.) Morris: Man, the Spencer's sure go through a lot of security. (Morris throws Andy the video tape.) Andy: All those cameras should've picked up something around the time the priest was killed. (Andy puts the tape in a VCR.) [Scene: Outside Spencer's House. Prue and Allison are standing there.] Allison: It's 2:40. Could we have missed them? Prue: I hope not. Where are they? [Cut to the wine cellar. Piper and Phoebe are sneaking around the room. Piper's phone rings. She quickly answers it.] Piper: Hello? Prue: Piper, where are you? Piper: We're down in the wine cellar. Help. (Piper and Phoebe see the demons. They run away.) [Cut to Jade's room. Grace, Jade and Kirsten are there. Jade is dressed in her wedding dress. Kirsten hands Jade a present.] Kirsten: This is from me. Your something borrowed. (Jade giggles and unwraps the present. It's a book.) Jade: Foust. I love this. I read it the last time I was here. What about my something blue? (Kirsten looks over at Grace. Grace is crying.) You're right. Nothing's bluer than the heart of a mother giving away her only son. (They giggle.) [Cut back to the police station. Andy and Morris are watching the security tapes on the TV.] Morris: It's just two women talking. You can't even hear them. Andy: What, you don't read lips? (He leans forward.) Killing a priest wasn't part of our deal. Morris: Man, you're good. [Cut back to the Spencer's house. The wedding has started. Jade is walking down the aisle. She stands next to Elliot and they face the priest.] Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this sacred union as we join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. [Cut to the wine cellar. Piper and Phoebe run up the stairs. The demons follow them.] Phoebe: Okay, they're really close now. Freeze them. Piper: Great. (Piper freezes the demons. Prue comes in the wine cellar.) Prue: Piper, Phoebe, duck! (They do so and Prue uses her power on the demons. They fly into some boxes.) Are you guys okay? Phoebe: Uh, huh. Nice timing. Piper: Where's Allison? Prue: Got her upstairs. Come on. [Cut back to the wedding.] Priest: If there's anyone here who knows of a reason these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your piece. Piper: We have a reason. Allison: I love you, Elliot Jade: Why, you little witch. Piper: Hey! Jade: By asteria and percease, open sky and do your worse! (It gets very windy and stormy. Everyone starts running. Andy and Morris pull up in their car.) Andy: Well, this is exciting. I wonder what's going on here? [Cut to Elliot's bedroom. Elliot and Jade are there. Jade turns into Hecate. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in. Three demons push them into the room.] Prue: Alright, quick, we have to banish them back to the underworld. (Prue looks in her purse.) Uh, the poingnard is gone. (Elliot picks the poingnard off of the floor.) Phoebe: Elliot. (The poingnard starts glowing.) Piper: Prue, do something. (Prue uses her power and the demons get sucked in the poingnard.) Elliot: Whoever you three are, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the Spencer's house. Elliot and Allison are together hugging and kissing. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are near by.] Prue: We did that. Phoebe: And they'll live happily ever after. Piper: I wonder if we will. Prue: Of course, we will. Why shouldn't we? Piper: That's easy for you to say. You'll never greet your husband at the door with: "Honey, I think I froze the kids." Prue: No, I've just accidentally moved them to another zip code. Phoebe: But I will see them, find them, and bring them back safely. If I can ever learn to control my powers. Piper: If any of us can. Phoebe: Just think of the obstacles that Allison and Elliot have overcome. If they can do it, so can we. Prue: I guess true love does conquer all. Phoebe: Especially if you have separate bathrooms. (They see Andy walking towards them.) Piper: Speaking of true love... Phoebe: Ooh. Andy: Fancy seeing you here. Prue: Yeah, isn't it? (She holds up the poingnard.) Uh, I wanted to give this back to you. I'm finished with it. Andy: How'd you know I'd be here? (He takes it off of her.) Prue: I didn't. I was gonna drop it off after the wedding. Andy: Aha, shall we talk about this in private, Prue? (Andy puts his arm around Prue and they walk away.) Phoebe: Do you believe in destiny? (They giggle.) Piper: He believes in destiny. Shh.

Plan: A: Jade D'Mon; Q: Who is the demonic bride-to-be? A: Alison Michaels; Q: Who was the original bride? A: a week; Q: How long before the wedding did Jade replace Alison? A: Grace Spencer; Q: Who is the groom's mother? A: a spell; Q: What does Jade cast over Elliot? A: the strange events; Q: What do the Halliwell sisters discover about the wedding? A: the event; Q: What is Piper catering? A: the reconciliation; Q: What happens to Alison and Elliot? Summary: A demonic bride-to-be, Jade D'Mon, suddenly replaces a human bride, Alison Michaels, a week before her wedding, by having a magical contractual 'hold' over the grooms' mother, Grace Spencer, as well as by casting a spell over the groom, Elliot Spencer. The Halliwell sisters gradually discover the strange events about the wedding, as Piper is catering the event. Alison and the sisters formulate a plan to stop the demonic wedding. Grace helps Alison and the Halliwell sisters, resulting in the defeat of Jade and the reconciliation of Alison and Elliot.

COLONY IN SPACE BY: MALCOLM HULKE 6:10pm - 6:35pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. PRIMITIVE CITY ENTRANCE (JO is led down a small gully by four Primitives. One of them goes up to a rock wall and gestures to the others. A door in the rock creaks open revealing an entrance. JO is led into it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. PRIMITIVE CITY. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (Inside the darkened interior, JO looks round in fear as the door closes behind the group.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. PRIMITIVE RUIN DOCTOR: My dear Ashe, if the Primitives have taken Jo to their city, I must go after her. (The DOCTOR heads for the door.) ASHE: And get yourself killed - or captured too? (The DOCTOR turns in the doorway.) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) What else can I do? ASHE: Well, you may be able to buy her back. DOCTOR: What? ASHE: Well, from time to time they capture someone and trade them for food. With luck, they should be along soon to offer her back. DOCTOR: Well, I can't just sit here and wait! In any case, I haven't got any food to offer them. ASHE: Well, you don't have to worry about that. We've got plenty of food. DOCTOR: But you're running short! ASHE: All right, if you're determined to go on alone, tell them I'll pay the ransom. I think they trust me. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The DOCTOR is about to leave when the two men suddenly hear the whine of a rocket. They run to the hole in the wall and look out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. PRIMITIVE RUIN ASHE: It must be the Adjudicator! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. UXARIEUS (Above them a red rocket, shaped rather like a fighter aircraft flies overhead. It crosses over a range of hills, swings on its axis until it points to the sky and lowers to the ground in a cloud of displaced dust.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (DENT and his crew are still held at gunpoint by the colonists.) DENT: You're simply making this worse for yourselves. (WINTON is using a crowbar to get into a locked cupboard.) WINTON: Well, you think so? DENT: You heard that ship land. What sort of impression will this make on the...Adjudicator? (DENT falters as WINTON succeeds in getting into the cupboard. He pulls out a small device rather like a camera.) WINTON: What's this? DENT: A very delicate piece of equipment. Leave it alone! (WINTON takes the cap off a lens.) WINTON: Some kind of projector! DENT: An item of Caldwell's survey equipment, isn't it, Caldwell? CALDWELL: Yes, that's right. WINTON: They why lock it away? (He switches the device on. The Lizard that was seen outside the Leeson's dome appears as a shimmering image on the far wall, accompanied by a series of low growls.) WINTON: Optical trickery! (He switches it off.) CALDWELL: It was only meant to scare you away. There was no need for anyone to be killed. DENT: Shut up, Caldwell. (WINTON reaches back into the cupboard and pulls out one of the huge "monster" claws that was attached to the IMC robot.) WINTON: Well, Captain Dent, I wonder how this will look to the Adjudicator? [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (ASHE runs into the dome and into the wire pen where the radio set is. MARY is on the radio speaking to the Adjudicator. The signal is heavy with static.) ADJUDICATOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Are both parties to the dispute assembled? MARY ASHE: (Into radio.) Well, er, not exactly, sir. ADJUDICATOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Surely you were advised of my arrival? (MARY puts her hand over the microphone and speaks urgently to her father.) MARY ASHE: It's the adjudicator calling from his ship. (ASHE signals to MARY who jumps out of the seat and hands the headphones to ASHE.) ADJUDICATOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Will you answer my question please? ASHE: (Into radio.) Er, this is Robert Ashe, sir. I am the leader of the colonists. ADJUDICATOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Good, now I require both parties to the dispute to be assembled as quickly as possible. ASHE: (Into radio.) But things have become rather confused, sir. The situation... ADJUDICATOR: (OOV: Over radio, interrupting.) I have no desire to discuss that before the inquiry. Kindly let me know when you're all ready. (There is a buzzing sound as the radio cuts out. MARY switches the set off for her father.) ASHE: I'd better tell Winton to get those IMC men over here. This is going to look very bad to the Adjudicator. MARY ASHE: Why? ASHE: Well, we've become the aggressors now. It may prejudice our case. MARY ASHE: Did you find Jo? ASHE: We found where they've been keeping her. It looks as though the Primitives have got her. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. PASSAGE (JO is pulled along a passage by one of her captors. Another follows. The passage is in semi-darkness and is a strange mixture of hewn black rock and overhead mechanical supports which contain electronic devices within. JO is taken up to a doorway. The shape of the doorframe is the same as in the Primitive ruin but the door itself is rock illuminated by a glowing internal orange light. It opens with a rushing sound.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. ARCHIVE ROOM (JO is pushed inside. The room is hewn out of the same black rock. Within is a being smaller in height than JO. It faces the wall and is dressed in a long white cloak and a large collar which rises high above the head. Both are adorned with silver braid. JO stares at the back of the creature which slowly turns and faces her. Its face is pale with no discernable colour. The top of the head has ridges which resemble the patterning of a brain. Large black eyelids almost totally obscure a small pair of eyes. The lower lip protrudes outwards over the upper lip. JO screams.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (DENT, CALDWELL and MORGAN are still held at gunpoint. WINTON is on the radio to ASHE.) WINTON: (Into radio.) What's the point in bringing over the prisoners? We'll bring the evidence. That should be enough for the Adjudicator. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (MARY stands next to an agitated ASHE.) ASHE: (Into radio.) The Adjudicator insists that all parties should be brought together. We've got to do this legally, Winton. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM WINTON: (Into radio, reluctantly.) Very well. We'll be over in a few minutes. (To the colonist guards.) Untie them. (The IMC men are released. Another bearded colonist - ALEC LEESON - enters the room, a rifle in his hands.) ALEC LEESON: The guards have been disarmed and locked in their quarters. (He sees the "monster" claw and the projector.) ALEC LEESON: What are those for? WINTON: They used those to fake the monsters. That's the evidence we need. (LEESON points angrily at DENT and his men.) ALEC LEESON: Why have they been untied? WINTON: They're being handed over to the adjudicator. ALEC LEESON: No, we're not going to bother with the Adjudicator. (To MORGAN.) My name is Leeson. You murdered my brother. (He points his gun at him.) WINTON: Now Alec. MORGAN: (Nervously.) But...but Dent's the killer - not me. I mean, he's killed colonists on other planets. DENT: Shut up, Morgan. MORGAN: (Shouts.) Now look, I've got all the proof you need! (He gestures to DENT.) MORGAN: He murdered the Leesons. (LEESON points his rifle at DENT. WINTON jumps forward and grabs it.) WINTON: Take it easy, Alec! (WINTON himself points the rifle at MORGAN.) WINTON: All right, where is your proof? (MORGAN points at DENT'S desk.) MORGAN: There's a secret compartment. WINTON: Well open it! (MORGAN goes over to the desk followed by WINTON.) CALDWELL: (To DENT.) Is he telling the truth, Dent? How many other killings have there been? DENT: I thought you didn't want to know about that sort of thing? Morgan! (MORGAN has opened the drawer and, unseen by WINTON, has his hands on a gun. DENT jumps forward to distract WINTON.) DENT: I'm warning you, Morgan! (The ruse works. WINTON turns and points the rifle at DENT.) WINTON: Now you be quiet! (MORGAN uses the distraction and jabs the gun into the back of WINTON'S head.) MORGAN: Drop your guns - or he's dead! (DENT takes the rifle off WINTON and points it at the other colonists. He allows a small smile to appear on his face.) DENT: You'll release my security guards. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. PRIMITIVE CITY ENTRANCE (The DOCTOR slowly walks into the same gully that JO was taken into previously. He walks cautiously, following the tracks in the ground. He suddenly catches sight of the closed entrance in the rock and walks over to examine it. He hears a noise behind him and turns. Four spear-armed Primitives are facing him.) DOCTOR: I've, er, I've come to bring back the girl. Well, Ashe will come and give you food if you come and return her. (The four Primitives stare impassively at him.) DOCTOR: Look, I know you can understand me. You can read my mind. I've come to buy back the girl! (One of the PRIMITIVES approaches and stares at the closed rock door. It glances at its companions and then back at the door which creaks open.) DOCTOR: Thank you. (He approaches the entrance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. MAIN DOME (The Adjudicator walks up to the dome entrance. He wears a long black cloak and an imposing collar that completely covers his shoulders and rise up high behind his head, obscuring his face. ASHE and his daughter await him and bow to him as he approaches. The Adjudicator gives a slight bow of return.) ASHE: A great honour to meet you, Adjudicator. I am Robert Ashe and this is my daughter, Mary. We've done the best we can, er, the...rest will be here shortly. (He gestures to the entrance hall and the Adjudicator sweeps past them. ASHE speaks urgently to MARY.) ASHE: Get onto the radio! Find out why the others aren't here! MARY ASHE: All right. Have you told him the IMC people are prisoners? ASHE: No, not yet. I'll have a go now. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (The two walk inside, MARY to the radio set and ASHE to their new visitor. The Adjudicators visage is revealed - it is the MASTER!) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. ARCHIVE ROOM (JO waits patiently alone in the same room that she was previously brought into. The door opens and the DOCTOR walks in. She rushes up to him and hugs him. He kisses her forehead.) JO: Doctor! Oh, I'm so pleased to see you! I didn't think I'd see you again! DOCTOR: It's all right, Jo, it's all right, I'm here now. (Behind him the door closes on the PRIMITIVE waiting in the corridor. The DOCTOR rushes up to the door.) DOCTOR: Wait, wait! We must talk! JO: He's probably gone to get the other one. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) What other one? JO: There's some sort of creature that seems to be in charge of them. DOCTOR: Is it humanoid? JO: No, not really. DOCTOR: Well, that's interesting. There must be two races on this planet. JO: Well never mind that! How are we going to get out of here? DOCTOR: Don't you worry about that, my dear. I'm gonna buy you back! JO: Buy me back? DOCTOR: That's right, just a simple business transaction. (He looks over their surroundings. Various pieces of machinery adorn the room.) DOCTOR: You know, judging by the room and this machinery, it could have been a highly advanced civilisation. JO: Then what happened to it? DOCTOR: It went into a decline. You know, these Primitives could be descendants of a tremendously advanced race. JO: That's just what I was thinking. Come take a look at this. (JO leads him to the left-hand side of the room on which a series of pictograms have been painted on a series of glass frames.) DOCTOR: Well, it's extraordinary. A sort of chronicle, history. Buildings, cities, machines...well, they even invented flight. (JO walks along several paces to a part of the frieze which displays dead and falling bodies.) JO: What happened here? DOCTOR: Mmm? (He joins her.) DOCTOR: Oh...buildings in ruins, people lying dead. Mmm, some great catastrophe, I should think. After that everything changes. (He looks further along to a part of the frieze which shows four figures holding a fifth aloft and putting it towards a bright hole in the wall - almost like a furnace.) DOCTOR: Yes, look at this, Jo. A completely different style and design. Much cruder, more primitive. JO: More recent too. DOCTOR: Mmm. JO: A man being...forced through a hatch. DOCTOR: It looks like some sort of sacrifice. (JO gasps in alarm. The DOCTOR sees this and leads her across the room to a piece of machinery in an effort to distract her.) DOCTOR: Jo, there - would you say that was some sort of time mechanism? (At that moment the door opens and the small being that JO saw earlier walks into the room accompanied by three Primitives. The DOCTOR is shocked but manages to retain his composure.) DOCTOR: How do you do? (The being looks closely at him then moves nearer to JO. She gasps and steps back.) DOCTOR: Don't move, Jo! I think he's almost blind. (The being moves back to the DOCTOR who speaks slowly and clearly to him.) DOCTOR: Er, I've come to take this young lady back. If you go to Ashe's dome, he will give you food. (The being moves over to the frieze. It stares intently at the final picture of the four figures putting the fifth into the furnace. It then moves to the Primitives, points to the DOCTOR and JO and then at the picture. The Primitives salute with their spears. The four creatures then leave the room without another movement.) JO: (Alarmed.) That picture he pointed to - it was the sacrifice! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (Back at the dome, the tribunal is in session. The MASTER sits alone at one table. At right angles to this sit DENT, MORGAN and CALDWELL with more IMC men behind them. Facing the MASTER'S table is the one for the colonists where WINTON and MARY sit. ASHE is stood up between the colonists' table and that occupied by IMC, giving his evidence. NORTON stands behind him.) ASHE: Those sir, are the facts. The Interplanetary Mining Corporation has entered plan to drive us from this planet, which is rightfully ours. They've used violence and murder. MASTER: Do you have any proof to support these allegations? ASHE: There was proof. (WINTON stands.) WINTON: We found it on board their spaceship, the claws, the projection equipment - everything! MASTER: Can you produce this evidence? WINTON: They've destroyed it. MASTER: I see. (To ASHE.) Do you anything more to say? (He starts to return to his seat but WINTON blocks him.) ASHE: No sir. WINTON: Robert, you can't just leave it at that! What about the killings?! ASHE: (Angrily.) Look, leave it Winton! (ASHE returns to his seat. WINTON reluctantly does the same.) MASTER: Thank you. Right, I will now hear the statement from IMC. Captain Dent, please? (DENT stands with his papers in his hand and prepares to speak...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. ARCHIVE ROOM (The DOCTOR is still looking over the machinery in the room when the door enters and a lone-armed PRIMITIVE enters.) JO: Now what? DOCTOR: No idea. But if want to get out of here, we'd better distract him somehow. (The DOCTOR snaps his fingers to get the PRIMITIVE'S attention. He smiles, reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out a coin. He holds it between the thumb and forefinger on his left hand and waves his right hand over it. He mimes an upward throw which the PRIMITIVE follows. The DOCTOR then pulls the coin from out of JO'S ear. The PRIMITIVE is thoroughly absorbed with the trick. The DOCTOR repeats the trick, upward throw and all but this time he taps the underside of his chin to show the PRIMITIVE the coin coming out of his mouth. The trick is repeated again but now the DOCTOR points behind the PRIMITIVE for the source of the disappeared coin. The PRIMITIVE looks round, JO grabs his spear and the DOCTOR chops him down with a blow to the back of the neck. The DOCTOR holds up a hand.) DOCTOR: After you, Miss Grant. JO: Thank you, Doctor. (They walk out into the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. PASSAGE (JO starts to head in one direction but the DOCTOR pulls her back the other way. They have hardly gone a few paces when the smaller being - the ALIEN PRIEST - appears at the end of the passage. It turns until it faces the two fugitives and then carries on turning as if it had not caught sight of them. JO uses the opportunity and tries to make a run for it but again the DOCTOR stops her.) DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Jo, I don't think he can see us. Come on. (They stealthily make their way to a side passage and press themselves against the darkened wall. Across the passage can be seen an opening with a large hall of machinery beyond. The ALIEN PRIEST is joined by two others of its kind and four Primitives who proceed down the passage back towards the archive room.) JO: Where are they going? DOCTOR: Let's not wait to find out. (They run off down the side passage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. ARCHIVE ROOM (The alien procession reaches the archive room. The lead ALIEN PRIEST almost walks into the unconscious PRIMITIVE on the floor. It reaches down to touch him, realises what has happened and gestures to the Primitives to give chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. PASSAGE (JO and the DOCTOR slowly walk into a main passage and look around uncertainly. JO points in one direction.) JO: I think they brought us in this way. (They turn to see a Primitive appear at the end of the passage. They run off and the creature gives chase followed by four more of its kind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. ANOTHER PASSAGE (The DOCTOR and JO run down a slim passage whose floor is sectioned off by buttresses. They jump over these and realise that they have reached a dead end. They turn back a short way and take a side passage as the Primitives continue the pursuit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. PASSAGE (The DOCTOR and JO run into two ALIEN PRIESTS. They turn back but the armed Primitives stand in their way. The escapees give up.) DOCTOR: Checkmate, I'm afraid, Miss Grant. (One of the ALIEN PRIESTS gestures dramatically in one direction and the DOCTOR and JO are led off that way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT PRIMITIVE CITY. CONTROL ROOM (An illuminated door opens onto another room and an ALIEN PRIEST leads the DOCTOR and JO in with another following. This room is different to another other part of the city. The walls are made of metal, not hewn rock, and it is well lit. A bank of machinery stands to one side. Columns of pulsing light on the walls and a constant humming sound show that the room is filled with power. One of the ALIEN PRIESTS goes to a double hatch at floor level which sits beneath a panel which appears to be made of the same material as the doors. The PRIEST opens the hatch and a blinding light floods out.) JO: What is that thing? DOCTOR: It's like a reactor. (Two Primitives stand behind the DOCTOR and JO and start to push them towards the hatch. JO realises what is happening...) JO: It's like that picture! I think they're going to sacrifice us! (Suddenly above the hatch, the panel starts to slide upwards. Beyond, in an alcove, is revealed another being. Its face is similar to that of the PRIESTS but its body and limbs are short and stunted - as if it is almost all brain with no need for body. It sits in a small metal chair from out of which pure rock stalagmites seem to grow. With a hum, the whole structure moves out from the alcove. The DOCTOR and JO stand in amazement as the creature speaks to them in a high pitched warbling voice.) GUARDIAN: My city is forbidden. Why have you come here? JO: (Nervously.) I was brought here. GUARDIAN: (To the DOCTOR.) And you? DOCTOR: I came to take her back. GUARDIAN: All intruders in the city must die. That is the law. (The DOCTOR looks nervous.) DOCTOR: We have no wish to offend your laws. The race that built this city were intelligent, civilised. They wouldn't condemn the innocent. GUARDIAN: The law must obeyed! DOCTOR: Surely the basis of all true law is justice. Look, we...we're both strangers to your planet. The girl was brought here by your warriors as a captive! All we ask is to be allowed to leave in peace. GUARDIAN: (Considered.) I sense...that you are a being of...superior intelligence. And, although the creature with you is of no value, I will let you both go. (The DOCTOR and JO look at each other and then glance at their Primitive captors. They head for the door but stop as the GUARDIAN speaks again...) GUARDIAN: But...remember this - if you ever return, you will be destroyed. DOCTOR: Thank you sir. And may I say that I'm overjoyed to find that justice prevails in your city. (They walk out, followed by their Primitive escorts. The air shimmers with heat as the GUARDIAN'S chair retreats back into its alcove and the panel slides shut.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. PRIMITIVE CITY ENTRANCE (The rock door entrance to the city creaks open and the DOCTOR leaves first, then giving JO a hand to step outside. As they walk away, the door creaks shut again.) JO: Doctor, what was that thing that saved us? DOCTOR: Well, it was a being of tremendous intelligence, probably one of the rulers of this city. (To himself.) Three different races or three mutations of the same race? JO: Come on, Doctor. This is no time for philosophising. DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Yes. You're quite right. Let's get back to the space dome. (They walk off back to the dome.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (The MASTER addresses the tribunal...) MASTER: Right. Well, I have now heard the statements from both sides. I think you should know that on my way here I contacted Earth and had a check made of planetary records. Now obviously, an error has occurred. (ASHE and WINTON exchange a look.) MASTER: A faulty computer on Earth has allocated this planet both for colonisation and for mineralogical exploitation. It will therefore be my duty to judge this case upon its merits. (At that moment, the DOCTOR and JO enter the dome. They halt, stunned, as they see the figure sat across the room.) JO: It's the Master! (The "Adjudicator" looks thrown for the first time since his arrival. He coughs nervously and continues, although somewhat speedily to try and bring matters to an early conclusion...) MASTER: Since however the issues are, er, extremely complicated, I shall need time to consider my decision. This tribunal stands adjourned. (The MASTER stands and walks into the pen where the radio set is held. Naturally, the DOCTOR is hot on his heels. JO stands in the doorway and watches proceedings.) DOCTOR: And why are you impersonating the adjudicator? MASTER: My dear Doctor, I am the adjudicator! DOCTOR: Rubbish! MASTER: What are you doing here anyway? Did the Time Lords send you? DOCTOR: Nobody sends me anywhere. I'm a free agent. MASTER: So you've at last succeeded in escaping from your long exile on Earth. Congratulations. What are your plans now? DOCTOR: Well, my immediate plans are to expose you as an imposter! MASTER: That would be very foolish of you. My credentials are immaculate. DOCTOR: Forged, of course. MASTER: Of course! But...immaculate. May I see your credentials, Doctor? DOCTOR: Don't be absurd. MASTER: What? No interplanetary travel permit? (The MASTER holds up his own plastic card permit.) MASTER: No registration for your TARDIS? (His own is again displayed. The MASTER smiles as he sees the DOCTOR starting to feel uncomfortable.) MASTER: No personal identification? DOCTOR: Bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo! MASTER: Maybe, but in this regimented age of ours, essential. (The MASTER holds up his wallet of cards.) MASTER: Without these, my dear Doctor, you do not exist. I could have you sent back to Earth as a prisoner. DOCTOR: Oh, is that what you plan to do? MASTER: Not, not unless you force my hand. I think you'd be well advised to keep silent - for both our sakes? Now if you'll excuse me. (The MASTER walks out of the pen. The colonists and IMC men return to their places.) MASTER: The tribunal will reconvene. (He sits at his own place and the attendees at the tribunal take their cues from him and also sit. The DOCTOR and JO watch from the pen.) MASTER: Well, I have had time carefully to consider the statements that have been put before me. On the one hand, while I have...every sympathy with the aspirations of the colonists, there can be little doubt that their...their stay here is not proving a success. (ASHE and WINTON look concerned.) MASTER: On the other hand, we have this planet, rich in duralinium - a mineral that is much needed on Earth. I therefore have no alternative but to rule that colonisation on this planet is unsuitable and the settlers will leave here as soon as possible. (ASHE looks devastated...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (The IMC men relax and celebrate with glasses of wine. They are slightly drunk on both their victory and the wine. CALDWELL has a grin on his face and the normally correct DENT slumps back in his seat. MORGAN sits of the edge of DENT'S desk.) CALDWELL: I still can't understand how we got away with it. DENT: The adjudicator was a sensible man. CALDWELL: He bent over backwards to help us and you know it! (MORGAN goes over to CALDWELL. He is impatient but, for him, good-natured.) MORGAN: Caldwell! We don't have to worry about it any more! From now on, this planet belongs to IMC. CALDWELL: And what happens if the colonists refuse to accept the decision? DENT: Then they'll be rebels - and we know how to deal with rebels - don't we Morgan? (In reply, MORGAN looks at DENT.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (ASHE and several colonists are consulting a book of law. WINTON paces the entrance hall, furious in thought. NORTON is with him, silkily trying to persuade him to see "reason".) NORTON: Look, be better for all of you to go before you get into more trouble. WINTON: (Coldly.) You're very keen for us to give in aren't you, Norton? (NORTON walks off. ASHE finishes his investigations.) ASHE: According to interplanetary law, we can appeal. WINTON: (Angrily.) What good will that do? By the time it's all decided, this planet will be gutted! ASHE: (Also angry.) The decision went against us because you made us look like criminals! Now what do you want to do now? WINTON: Capture the IMC men, disarm them and get them off this planet! ASHE: And once we've been classified as outlaws, what then? WINTON: Then declare ourselves an independent republic! Break with Earth altogether! ASHE: I absolutely forbid it! WINTON: I don't think you're in any position to do that. (WINTON turns his back on him. ASHE goes over to him and speaks quietly. NORTON watches.) ASHE: David, you've used violence once and we're worse off now than we were before. Now just give me a chance to use legal methods. (WINTON thinks, then...) WINTON: I'm sorry Robert. (ASHE nods and walks off quietly into the radio pen.) WINTON: (To himself.) Believe me, I really am sorry. (In the pen, ASHE finds the DOCTOR and JO. He is somewhat despondent.) ASHE: They're planning another attack. DOCTOR: Winton again? ASHE: I've got to talk to the adjudicator! We've got to appeal! (He walks off.) JO: Why don't you tell them about the Master? DOCTOR: I can't Jo, he wouldn't understand. JO: Well, we've got to do something. DOCTOR: (Thinks.) Yes, well, the Master came to this planet for a purpose, Jo. I'd like to hear what he has to say when Ashe goes to see him. (He walks off to carry out his plan.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. IMC ROCKET. CONTROL ROOM (MORGAN is still drinking. A buzzer sounds from the radio set and he goes over the room to answer it. DENT is almost asleep.) MORGAN: (Into microphone.) IMC control? (WINTON'S voice comes over the radio but is heavily disguised by static...) WINTON: (OOV: Over radio.) This is the adjudicator. I have received an emergency call and am preparing to leave this planet immediately. I wish to see Captain Dent at once. (DENT struggles to sit up and takes the microphone.) DENT: (Into microphone.) This is Captain Dent. Shall I come to your ship? WINTON: (OOV: Over radio.) You and your officers are to report... (The static gets worse and breaks up the message.) DENT: (Into microphone.) I do not read you. Reception is very poor. Please repeat. WINTON: (OOV: Over radio.) I repeat: your and your officers are to report to the main dome immediately. This settlement is to be ratified in the presence of all parties. (DENT clutches his head.) DENT: (Into microphone.) Very well, adjudicator. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (WINTON gets up from the radio set. He is watched by MARY ASHE, NORTON and ALEC LEESON.) ALEC LEESON: Do you think you've fooled them? WINTON: Well, we shall soon find out. (He walks away to prepare.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. MAIN DOME. DINING HALL (The DOCTOR and JO enter the dining hall which is next to ASHE'S office. From through the walls come the faint sound of ASHE and the MASTER in conversation. The DOCTOR takes a device out of his pocket which has two earpieces and a flat round metal microphone. He and JO don an earpiece each and the DOCTOR places the microphone against the wall. Immediately, the voices from ASHE'S office come through loud and clear.) MASTER: (OOV: In office.) ...Anyway, Earth is crying out for minerals. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (Within the MASTER has changed out of his Adjudicator's robes and is now dressed in his normal collarless suit. He is going through his papers as ASHE talks to him.) ASHE: Then you think an appeal would fail? MASTER: I do. Unless of course there were some...special circumstances. ASHE: (Eagerly.) Such as? [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. MAIN DOME. DINING HALL (The DOCTOR and JO continue to eavesdrop.) MASTER: (OOV: In office.) Well, a claim to unusual historical interest, for instance. ASHE: (OOV: In office.) Well, this is a very old planet. We know there was once a very great civilization here. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. MAIN DOME. ASHE'S OFFICE (The MASTER shows interest in this statement...) MASTER: Indeed? Tell me, did they leave any traces? (The MASTER walks away from ASHE.) ASHE: There's a ruined city not far from here. MASTER: That's very interesting. Tell me more about it... (The MASTER'S attitude betrays his true interest...) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (The male colonists are gathered and armed. WINTON is giving them instructions...) WINTON: You two men - up there on the gantry. You two'd better get there behind the steps. (Two men run up some metal steps to the gantry. Below them, the other two men get into hiding. WINTON, stood with ALEC LEESON, looks round.) WINTON: Now where's Norton? ALEC LEESON: No idea. WINTON: That Doctor said we should keep an eye on him. ALEC LEESON: I'll go and look for him. (LEESON goes off.) WINTON: Right, is everybody ready? They'll be here in a few minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. MAIN DOME. POWER ROOM (In the power room, NORTON takes his radio out and starts speaking into it unaware that LEESON is walking into the room.) NORTON: (Into radio.) Norton to IMC spaceship... ALEC LEESON: Norton! Winton wants you in the main area! (LEESON walks forward as NORTON coolly lowers the radio.) ALEC LEESON: That's an IMC ra... (He stops as he realises that something is up. He walks towards NORTON, gun raised.) ALEC LEESON: What the devil are you up to? (NORTON jumps and wrestles LEESON to the ground. There is a shot. The radio lies broken on the ground. A hand reaches out towards it - it is NORTON and LEESON lies dead. NORTON sees that the radio is useless. He takes LEESON'S gun and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. MAIN DOME. ENTRANCE HALL (WINTON comes down the steps as NORTON runs in.) WINTON: Where's Alec? NORTON: I don't know. WINTON: All right, Norton. Get up there. (He points up the stairs and NORTON runs up. An armed colonist runs in and whispers to WINTON. They both duck into hiding and the rest of the colonists do the same. They all wait with their rifles raised. After a tense moment, MORGAN, DENT, CALDWELL and the other IMC men walk into the dome. Suddenly, their "inside" man calls out.) NORTON: (Shouts.) Look out! It's a trap! (NORTON turns LEESON'S gun on the colonists below him but WINTON aims his rifle and shoots him dead with one shot.) MORGAN: (Shouts.) Take cover! (The IMC men dive for the safety of some packing cases and firing commences. The room is filled with the sound of shots and it is a colonist on the staircase who is the first to fall. Several shots from WINTON avenges him as an IMC man falls. CALDWELL, stood to one side of the entrance door, is the only one not firing. As the battle continues, the DOCTOR and JO run out of the dining hall and into the safety of the radio pen. The DOCTOR directs JO to stand behind the door of the pen.) DOCTOR: You stay here! I've got to try and stop this senseless killing! (The MASTER steps forward, a gun in his hand. The DOCTOR and JO jump at the sound of his voice.) MASTER: It won't do any good, Doctor. They won't listen to you. It's always the innocent bystander who suffers eventually. DOCTOR: What's that supposed to mean? MASTER: I'm afraid you're both about to become the victims of stray bullets! (His raises his gun and points it at the defenceless pair.)

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who descends into the Primitive city? A: the Primitive city; Q: Where does the Doctor go to find Jo? A: a visit; Q: What do the colonists receive from the Adjudicator? Summary: The Doctor descends into the Primitive city to try and find Jo while the colonists receive a visit from the Adjudicator.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Nathan is trying to replay basketball with Quentin's help. Quentin: You need to work hard, too! You know, comeback. Nathan: I'm gonna do this. Brooke and Victoria in Clothes Over Bros. Victoria: I am your mother. Brooke: I know. You're fired. Dan is in a room inTree Hill's hospital. Dan: I need a heart transplant. I have six months to live. My name is Dan Scott... and my number is one. Shot on Lindsey, Peyton, Brooke. Haley's voiceover: If Lindsey's the girl that you're in love with, great. If it's Peyton, great. If it's Brooke, just please stop hiding your heart. Shot on Lindsey who's phoning to Lucas in the airport. Lindsey: You asked me if I miss you. Of course I miss you. Shot on Brooke who's sitting on her couch. Brooke: I love you, Lucas Scott. You know that? Shot on Peyton in her Label studio. Peyton: While I'm asleep, I have this dream. And you proposed to me. And every single time, I say yes. Beginning of the episode New York, a man in the street is sitting behind a table with three Queen's card. Lucas is standing in front of of him. Man: Three simple cards. Three beautiful ladies. It's real simple, son. All you got to do is pick one. Lucas: All right. Man: Just follow the heart. The man mixes the card on the table. Brooke appears with a bouquet of red roses. Brooke: Hey, handsome. These are for you, for our one-year anniversary. Lucas: Uh, Brooke, I'm your husband. I'm supposed to give you flowers. Brooke: I know. But I wanted to make sure I'd like them. They go away. Lucas: Well? Happy anniversary, wife. Brooke: Thank you, husband. I love them. They walk in the streets arm in arm. Lucas: You ever miss Tree Hill? Brooke: Of course. I miss my friends. Lucas: Jamie's getting big. I never see him. Brooke: I know, but you have the book tour, and I have the company. And... I think he understands. Lucas: But what about all that traveling? I mean, I'm proud of you and all, but... It just sucks that we're apart so much. They cross the street in middle of yellow cabs. Brooke: I know. It makes coming home kind of sexy, though. Lucas: Very true. I do love you, Brooke Davis. Brooke: And I love you, Lucas Davis... Scott. I'm gonna love you even more when I see the exactly-what-I-wanted gift you got me for our anniversary. Lucas: You're gonna love that, whatever it is. Happy anniversary. They kiss and they enter in a buiding by a revolving door. Brooke: Thank you. Lucas arrives with a bouquet in his house by the revolving door, Peyton is showing her head by the embrasure of a door. Lucas: Happy anniversary. Peyton: Go back out! Lucas: Why, is the mailman here again? Peyton: No, he just pulled on his pants and jumped out the window, but he did leave you an anniversary gift, and I haven't wrapped it yet. Hi, babe. Lucas: Hi, wifey. They kiss and Lucas gives her the white flowers. Lucas: These are for you. Peyton: Oh, they're beautiful. Thank you. How was your day? Lucas: It was good. It is good. You know, I can't believe it's been a year. Peyton: Time flies when you get what you wish for. Is it? She takes a vase in a closet. Lucas: Is it what you wished for, Peyton? Peyton: If I say it's more than that, are you gonna tease me for being a dork? Lucas says yes with his head by laughing. Peyton:'Cause it is. Lucas: Well, I made dinner reservations for tonight if you want. Peyton (with a mischievous glance): Actually, I was thinking maybe we could just stay in and have a quiet dinner, kiss awhile. And there is a chance I could be rocking some slightly dirty-girl lingerie underneath these jeans. He watches her. Lucas: I think I need to sit down. Shot on Lucas who sits down on a chair on a terrace, Lindsey appears with a bouquet in her hands and puts it in a vase. Lindsey: Why? You okay? Lucas: Yeah. You look nice. Lindsey: Thanks, but I still haven't gotten ready yet. Lucas: Doesn't matter. Lindsey: How come after a year of marriage you're still so sweet to me? Lucas: Because you're you. And because you deserve it. You make it all too easy. She kisses him. Lindsey: I better get ready. Lucas: Hey, Linds. It's easy with us, isn't it? Lindsey: Yeah. It's the easiest. She goes inside and Lucas follows her. Shot on Lucas who arrives on the street of New York in front of the black old man. Man: There he is. Come on now, son. Three queens. Three choices. Just follow the heart. The man mixes the card, Lucas is seeing successively on the place of the man: Haley, Nathan, Jamie, Lindsey, Peyton and Brooke. Haley: Come on, Lucas. Just pick one. Nathan: You got to pick one, Luke. Jamie: You can do it, Uncle Lucas. Lindsey: Pick one. Peyton: Pick one. Brooke: Just pick one. Lucas shows the card which is on his right. Lucas: That's the one. Man: You sure? Lucas returns the card and it's the Queen of heart. Man: Well, well. Looks like you found your queen. Not many do. How did you know which one to pick? Lucas: I guess I always knew. Tree Hill's airport Shot on Lucas who is sitting in the airport, the black old man is standing in front of him. Man: What, son? You said you always knew. Knew what? Lucas touches him with one finger. Lucas: I'm sorry. Excuse me. The man sits down and Lucas takes his cellphone and calls... Tree Hill's hospital Dan collects the stick of an old man and helps him to go on the pavement. Dan: Oh, I got it. There you go. Let me give you a hand here. Tree Hill's airport Lucas: Hi, it's me. Look, I'm at the airport, and I got two tickets to Vegas. Do you want to get married tonight? Tree Hill's hospital Dan: You folks be careful. You could get yourself killed out here. Dan is hitting by a car and his beeper is ringing. Someone takes it. Tree Hill's airport Man: Getting married, huh? Lucas: I hope so. I don't know. We'll see if she shows up. Man: She'll show. I want to tell you something, son. It's the most important thing there is... love, finding the right person to spend your life with. Lucas: I know I made the right choice. Man: That's where they get you... thinking you got a choice. Love finds you, son. You don't find love. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, what's written in the stars, and a lot to do with the simple fact that most women are smarter than we are. And wily. Lucas is smiling. Man: Your sorry but never had a chance. But if you want to believe that you had a choice in the matter, I'd say you made a good one. Lucas: Why is that? Man (getting up from his seat): Because she showed up. And she sure is pretty. Lucas turns around and perceives Peyton through the crowd. They run both and take themselves in arms. Peyton: You are such a mess. You can't just call a girl from the airport. Lucas: Peyton, I know this sounds crazy. Peyton: You're a mess, Lucas Scott, but you're my mess, and I love you. They kiss and the Queen of heart's card falls down on the seat. Brooke's house (night) Brooke is in the phone. Brooke (irritated): I cannot do this right now. Because I am waiting on another call. That's is none of your business. As a matter of fact, none of my actual business is any of your business because I fired you. No, you were my mother. I fired you from that job, too. The ring's door bells. Brooke: Look, I have to go. Someone is at the door. And don't bother calling me back. Just talk to my lawyer. I have nothing left to say to you. Bitch. She opens the door and faces to Victoria. Victoria: Well, I have a few things to say to you. Brooke: Unbelievable! Victoria: I can't understand why you've become such a hurtful, spiteful little snot to me. Brooke: But it is what it is. I can take it. Victoria: Our company, however, cannot. Brooke: Our company? I'm sorry, I believe it's my company, because you were fired, and I do not recall inviting you in, you botoxed vampiress. Victoria: You see? This is what I'm talking about. You're such a child, and a fairly stupid one at that. It doesn't matter that you fired me. I'm your legal partner, missy. Brooke: It's my company. I'm the designer. Victoria: No, it's our company 50-50. At least it is for now. Brooke: And what is that supposed to mean? Victoria: Designers come and go. Brooke: It's the brand that matters, and I grow the brand. And the board knows that, and they can fire you. Victoria: So, what? Brooke (showing her face): You're gonna have a magazine called "B. Davis" without B. Davis? Victoria (raising eyes in the sky): Paul Frank doesn't work for Paul Frank. Happens all the time. Brooke: Really? And what are you gonna sell, mother? Magic beans? Without my designs, you have nothing. I know it. You know it. And as soon as the board sees my unbelievable new line, they'll know it. And you'll be the one who's out on her nip-and-tucked ass. Victoria: We'll see about that. Brooke: Get out of my house. Victoria: I hope this new line is by far the best work you've ever done, or it's "goodbye, company, hello, community college." If you can get in. Victoria leaves. In a car (night) Ded and Skills are kissing. Deb: This is ridiculous, the way we have to sneak around. We're making out in a car like high-school kids. Skills: Yeah, but personally, you did rock that cheerleading outfit. Deb: Not the point, but thank you. She puts one finger on his mouth and kisses him. Skills: Okay. You right. We just gonna have to go public. Deb: Yeah. Skills: I'm gonna say, "Nate, look, I'm dating your mom, sleeping with her, doing all kind of freaky stuff to her." So, you want to tell him, or should I? Deb: Sneaking aroundis kind of hot. Skills: Yeah. Deb: Yeah. They kiss. Mouth and Skills' appartment (night) Millicent is working on her computer when Mouth arrives. Mouth: Hi, buddy. What you doing? Millicent: Working on an idea for clothes over bros that's totally gonna fix Brooke's inventory problems. Are you okay? Mouth: I quit my job. Millicent: Okay. You know what? It's their loss. Mouth: Thank you. Can I ask you something? Were you serious about moving with me to Omaha? Millicent: Yes. Mouth: Well, they have that sports job for me, but I have to be there in three days. Millicent: I'll tell Brooke I'm leaving. Mouth: I know it's sudden, Millie. Millicent: It's okay. She'll understand. Life's sudden sometimes. On a plane (night) Peyton is lying on Lucas. Lucas: I know it's sudden. Peyton: This is real, isn't it? Lucas: Yeah. Peyton: Tell me again. Lucas: Yes, it's real. Peyton: Good. I'm glad. And if it's not, I don't know if I ever want to wake up from this. Dan's hospital room (night) Dan, in pathetic state, is lying on a bed in a hospital room, when someone talks to him. Person: Gooh, oh, you're awake. I was worried that when I hit you with that car that I might have killed you. But what fun would that have been? We can see it's Carrie. Las Vegas' Hotel room (night) Lucas carries Peyton in his arms to cross the door of their hotel's room. Peyton: Oh, Luke. You're such a dork. We're not even married yet. Lucas: I know, but I wanted to practice so that when we are, I don't look like a dork. Peyton: Well, good luck with that. He puts her on the bed. Peyton: Oh, no! There's a mirror on the ceiling. It's so romantic. Lucas: I told them something nice, not Something... Oh... Sketchy. Peyton: It's Vegas, Luke. Lucas (watching Peyton): Look at you. Peyton: What? Lucas: You fly all night and you still look amazing. Peyton: Oh, god. No, I don't. Lucas: Yeah... you do. You tired? Peyton: No. I've never felt more awake. Lucas: Good. Me neither. Peyton: Hey, come here. She catches him and kisses him. Peyton: I could live off of that. I miss that. And I think your ass is gonna look really great in that mirror. Let's find out. Lucas is smiling. They kiss and fall on the bed... Nathan ant Haley's house (day) Nathan and Jamie pretend to play basketball in the lounge. Nathan: You're just dreaming now. You know that? NBA's a pipe dream, son. Might as well give it up. Jamie: No, it's not. I'm Nathan Scott. Haley arrives in the lounge when Jamie pretends to shoot. Haley: Two points. Jamie: Hey, mama! Haley: What? She lifts him of the ground and embraces him. Jamie: You should have seen daddy last night. He's gonna play in the NBA for sure. Haley: Oh, we'll see, huh? Hey, listen, um, I was talking to Chester, and apparently he hasn't been fed this morning. Jamie (sighing): He always tells on me. Haley: You better get our of here, you wascally rabbit feeder. Go. Jamie goes upstairs and Haley comes to sit down next to Nathan who's serving her a cup of coffee. Haley: Making progresson the court, huh? Nathan: Yeah. Last night, for the first time, I, uh... I felt like I was on my way back. Haley (with a smily face): I'm so glad for you, Nathan. Nathan: How you doing in the studio? Haley: Uh. Good. Last night, for the first time, I felt likeI was on my way back. Nathan (smiling): That's my girl. They kiss. Clothe's Over Bros (day) Millicent makes hundred steps and talk to herself. Millicent: It's not that I don't love working for you, because I do. I mean, we have fun, and you're always in a good mood. Brooke arrives in the shop by yelling. Brooke: Oh, my god! I am so pissed off right now! Millicent: Why, what's wrong? Brooke: Oh, victoria's DNA, apparently. She is like a science experiment gone wrong. Frankenmom... She shows up at my house last night. Millicent: She's here? Brooke: Oh, yeah. And she informs me that she's taking my company from me. Millicent: Can she do that? Brooke: Legally, yes, but it is so not gonna happen. Where are my designs? Millicent: In the cabinet. Brooke: Okay. I want you to lock it. Change the passwords on the computer again. She's not getting anywhere near the new line. And when I show it to the board and explain to them that I am the one who closed the deal on "Baby Brooke", her little reign of terroris gonna be over, my friend. I'm sorry. We're gonna fight her, Millie. Me and you together... We're gonna fight her. Millicent: Yeah. Um, the thing is... Brooke: Not today. She goes towards a customer ith angry. Brooke: Can I help you with something? Girl: Uh, no thanks. Brooke: I have to be honest with you. I really don't think that's your best color. Girl: What? Brooke: The top you just stole from me. Girl: Okay, I don't know what you're talking about. The girl starts to go away but Brooke tears away a clothe of her rucksack. Brooke: Really? Girl: What are you doing? Brooke: Shop lifts much? Girl: Look, I didn't... I didn't mean to. Brooke: You didn't mean to? Okay. You're gonna need to come with me. The girl pushes away Brooke on a display stand. Girl: Get off me, bitch! Millicent: Brooke, are you okay? Brooke: It is just not my frigging day. Tree Hill's gymnasium-Basketball practice. Quentin: There it is. Up. Off the glass. A player is shoting. Quentin: It's pretty! What you got? You getting up? Nathan and Jamie arrive on the court. Quentin: Uh my man. What's up, boy? Give me one more. Oh, there it is. They hit their hands together. Quentin (taking Jamie in his arms): Hey, let me throw J. Scott up there, and one of y'all dunk him. Nathan: While the cat's away, huh? Skills: Nah, they just having some fun. Why, what's with you? Nathan: Well, apparently, my mom's dating some freak she met online. Skills: Really? Nathan: Yeah. Can you believe that? Skills: Why he got to be a freak, though? I mean, maybe he's a nice guy. Nathan: Right. Nice porn-site man. Guy's probably got a mustache. Skills touches his mustache. Nathan: I'll tell you what, Skills. My mom's pill addiction was bad, but hooking up with some internet too, man, this just really takes the cake. Skills: Yeah, but she seem happy though, right? You know... satisfied? Nathan: Dude... did you just ask me if my mom was satisfied? Skills: Nah, you know, I meant, like, happy, like she's into the dude. Nathan: It doesn't matter. It's embarrassing. I'll tell you one thing... I'm gonna find out who this jerk is. And when I do, it's gonna get ugly. Skills gets an anxious face. The basketball's team starts to dance on the court, Quentin calls Jamie to come with them. Quentin: Hey, baller, come here. Yeah, boy. Come on, you ready? All right, do what I do, all right? Jamie starts imitating Quentin's step's dance. Skills whistles. Skills: Hit the showers. Quentin: Yeah, let me get that. Hey, hey, Nate. Come on, man. Let's show them how it's done old school. Nathan: Old school, huh? Quentin: Let's do this. Nathan starts runnig and smatches. Quentin: What's up? What's up? There it is! That's my man. Nathan grimaces and is holding his back. Clothes Over Bros (day) Millicent is working when Victoria comes in. Millicent: Welcome to Clothes Over Br... Victoria: Well, well...the slavic bag lady. Millicent: Can I help you? Victoria: As a matter of fact, you can. I need to see the sketches for the new line. Millicent: Okay. I'll just call Brooke. Victoria: I'm an equal partner in this company and, as such, has equal rights to those sketches. Millicent: Actually, that's not true. Or maybe it is, but... well, the thing is, Brooke doesn't want you to see the line, and Brooke's my boss, so I'm afraid I can't help you. Victoria: Can't or won't? Millicent: Won't. Victoria: You don't like me, do you? Millicent: No. Victoria: Because you feel I've mistreated you. Millicent: No. Because, you're an evil bitch. Victoria: You're gonna pay for that. Victoria leaves the shop. Dan's hospital room Dan stires on his bed when Carrie arrives. Carrie: I wouldn't recommend that. I mean broken leg, broken ribs. Dan tries to speak but he can't. Carrie: It's gonna be a little hard for you to speak for a while. Quite a bit of trauma to your throat. She talks to him near his ear. Carrie: And if you can't speak... you definitely can't scream. Peyton's label Brooke and Haley are watching a video where we can see the girl who tried to steal clothe on Brooke's shop. Brooke: Do you know her? Haley: No. Brooke: It's okay. I was hoping you might recognize her from school. Haley: It's hard to tellfrom that. It sucks that you had to go through that. I'm sorry. Brooke: It's fine. In the grand scheme of things I have to deal with, this is really nothing. Haley: Why, what else is going on? Brooke: Oh, do you remember someone by the name of victoria Davis? Haley: Oh, I kind shivers when you say the name. Brooke: Yeah. It's okay. Me, too. I actually wanted to tell you and Peyton about it at the same time. Is she here? Haley: I have not seen her. Brooke: She didn't come home last night. I don't know if I should be worried. Their cellular ring at the same time. Brooke: Well, apparently not. She reads the message. Brooke: "Don't worry about me. I'm fine." Peyton. They laugh. Haley (reading a cell phone message): "Don't worry about me. I'm fine." Brooke: Well, at least she's being thorough. Haley: Oh, it's not from her. Brooke: What? Haley: Lucas. She shows the message to Brooke. Brooke: No! Las Vegas' Hotel room Peyton and Lucas are lying on bed. Peyton: Okay, uh, responsible "I have not been attacked by psycho Derek" text message sent. Lucas: Good. Responsible"I know I've been dark lately, but everything's okay"message sent. They laugh. Peyton's cell rings. Peyton: It's from you. Well... "Peyton, I love you. Let's go get married. Lucas." Can a text message change your life? Lucas: God, I hope so. She kisses him. Peyton: What? Lucas: I just can't believe you actually had your very own psycho stalker. Peyton: Shut up. Lucas: It's weird. Dan's hospital room Dan is lying on his medical bed. Carrie: Still here. Did you think it was a nightmare? Because it is for you. She takes a fork. Carrie: You know... when I think how Jamie and I would be together right now if it wasn't for you... well, it wasn't very nice what you said to me in that hotel room. She takes a ligther and starts burning the fork. Carrie: You said if ever came back, if I ever came near Jamie, you'd kill me. Didn't you? You strangled me, and you took Jamie. And I suppose you thought that was the last of me. But it wasn't. I've been watching you with Jamie. I've been biding my time. And now, well... here we are. She starts singing with putting the fork above Dan's face. Carrie (singing): Gonna have some hot stuff, baby, this evening. I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight. She puts the hot fork in Dan's hand and squeezes it. Carrie: Hot, hot, hot, hot stuff. Nathan and Haley's house (day) Nathan goes outside the house and sees his mom topless in the pool. Nathan: Mom. He diverts his glance. Nathan: Oh, for god's sakes, mom. Deb: What? Nathan: What is going on with you? Is this some kind of grandmother midlife crisis? Deb: Would you keep it down, please? The neighbors will hear you. Nathan (raising his voice): She's a grandmother. My mom is a grandmother. Deb: Nathan, stop it. Just... Stop, go away. Nathan: I want to know who he is, mom... Mr. Porno. Give me a name. Deb: No. Why? Nathan: Because I want to know who's responsible for you losing your mind like this. I'm gonna find out. And put some clothes on. Jamie's home. If he sees you topless, he's gonna be scarred for life. I know I am. Nathan goes inside, Skills goes back up of his apnea under water. Skills: Man, that was close. I told you this was a bad idea. Skills hold the top of Deb's bikini in his hand. Deb: Where's my top? (They kiss) You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. Mouth and Skills' appartment (day) Mouth is packing in his room when Millicent comes in. Millicent: I can't go. Mouth; What? Why? Millicent: Victoria. Mouth: I just got chills when you said that. Millicent: She's trying to take the company from Brooke. Mouth: Can she do that? Millicent: Apparently, she can, and I told her you were leaving, and she thinks I'm going with you, but Brooke needs me right now. She's been so good to me. Mouth: Yeah. Millicent: I love you... and I want to be with you, and I will, but... Mouth: You stay, and I'll get us settled in Omaha. It's the right thing to do for Brooke. They hug. Mouth: But it's really gonna hurt. Dan's hospital room Carrie is holding a syringe in her hand and she's filling it with some medicine. Carrie: The funny thing about painkillers, it's such a delicate balance. Not enough morphine and you'd be in horrible, agonizing discomfort. Too much, and... Well, you'd be dead. Your head must be spinning right now. How did Jamie's sweet nannycarrie get to be your nurse? Well, rest assured, I am a very good caretaker. When my father got sick, I had to move in and do everything... feed him, bathe him, medicine. I mean, eventually he died, but still. Anyway, what's it gonna be? Dead... or agony? Mm, agony. She pushes him the syringe in the arm. Carrie: For now, but pretty soon... Dead. Carrie is leaving the room and Dan is squeezing the fists of pain. Nathan and Haley's house (day) Nathan is watching Jamie's dance, when Haley arrives at home and finds her son dancing in the hall. Haley: Hey. Nathan: Oh, hey, baby. He kisses her and takes her bags. Haley: What the heck is this? Nathan: Uh, I don't know. Q's teaching him some dance move. Jamie: Hi, mama. Pretty cool, huh? Haley: Yeah, pretty cool man! Why don't you dance on upstairs and wash up for dinner, Usher. Jamie: Okay. Nathan starts emptying the food's bag and Haley is helping him. Haley: Where's deb? Nathan: Last time I saw her, she was swimming topless in the pool. Haley: What? Nathan: Yeah. Haley: God, what is with you and naked nannies in the pool? Sorry. Nathan: So, how are things in the studio? Is Peyton pulling out of her funk? Haley: Peyton was out all night with Lucas. Nathan (surprised): Is that right? And what do you suppose they were doing? Las Vegas' Hotel room (night) Lucas is getting dressed when Peyton comes behind him in a white dress. Peyton: Lucas. White-trash, Vegas wedding material. Lucas (amazed): Waouh, heart-skips-a-beat, breathtaking material. You are... He stops smiling. Lucas: I don't have a ring. Peyton, I'm sorry, I... She smiles and takes off the ring on her necklace. Peyton: Here. This ring was my mom's. She puts her ring on Lucas' hand. Lucas: I know it's... selfish...you know, getting married like this. No friends, no family, no ring. Peyton: It's okay. Lucas: But I want to be selfish with you. And it's been way too long. And life just always seems to get in the way with us. (Peyton laughs) And I know this is Las Vegas, and it's not exactly how you imagined it. But it's gonna be romantic. I promise. Wedding chapel in Las Vegas An old woman is playing synthesizer, while a look-alike of Elvis is marrying people; all this in a kitsh atmosphere. Lucas: This isn't right. Peyton: No, it's okay. It is. I just want to be your wife. Lucas: Peyton, I want that, too. I do, but, I mean... what the hell was I thinking? I mean, this is supposed to be a dream come true, not... this. Peyton: I got an idea. You trust me? Lucas: Looking like this, whatever you want. Peyton: Good. Go come on. They go away. Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. Brooke's house (night) Brooke is drawing some scketches, when Mouth comes in. Mouth: Brooke? I just wanted to stop by and... Brooke: Are you leaving me, Marvin Mc Fadden? Mouth: I guess so. I found this while I was packing. He shows her a flyer. Brooke: The boy toy auction. Beginning of a beautiful friendship right here. Mouth: For most of my life, that was the greatest night of my life. Brooke: Most of your life? Who topped me? Mouth: Millicent... the night she said she loved me. Brooke: Yeah. I'm glad she's gonna be with you. Mouth: Actually, she'll be with you. Brooke (surprised): What do... Mouth: She told me about victoria. Brooke: Which is my problem to deal with, not yours. Mouth: She can come to Omaha when things settle down for you. She wants to help you, Brooke. Brooke: When do you go? Mouth: Tonight. I have to. Brooke: Okay, hug me before I cry. They take themselves in their arms and hug. Brooke: Goodbye, scarecrow. I'm gonna miss you most of all. Mouth: You, too, Brooke Davis. All right. Brooke: Get out of here. Mouth goes away. Dan's hospital room (night) Dan tries to escap from his hospital's room, so he falls down of his bed and tries to crawl outside. When he suceeds to open the door, he discovers that he's not in a hospital but in a house. Then Carrie comes and pulls him inside by draging him on the floor. Carrie: Well, well. Where do you think you're going? Somewhere on the road (night) Peyton and Lucas are in a car, he's driving. Lucas: I love that laugh. I missed it. Peyton: Yeah? Me, too. (Whispering) Peyton Sawyer will be Peyton Scott. Lucas: What are you whispering about, wily? Peyton: Nothing. Everything. More than everything. They take their hands, they kiss and Peyton puts her head on Lucas' shoulder. Clothes Over Bros (night) Millicent is watching Brooke's sketches when Brooke arrives. Millicent: Hi. Brooke: You're fired. Millicent: What? Brooke: You're fired. Now go to Omaha. Millicent: Brooke... Brooke: Let me tell you something about love, Millicent Huxtable. It does not knock often. And when it does, you have to let it in. You are a wonderful friend. And you're smart and you're beautiful and it is gonna suck to lose you, but there is a boy out there who loves you. And I know that you love him back. So, now you have to get your wacky ass out of my store. Millicent (starting crying): But... Brooke (starting crying too): I'm gonna be fine. Okay? Millicent: If you need anything... Brooke: I just need you to be happy. They hug. Millicent: I hate goodbyes. Brooke: Okay. Go. Millicent leaves the store. River court (night) Mouth is on the court, when Skills arrives. Skills: Taking one last look, huh? Mouth: Yeah. I was hoping Luke might be here. I tried calling him to say goodbye, but... I got to go. Skills: Yeah, and from the looks of things, he has some stuff to figure out, too. I'll tell him you said goodbye, though. You know he's proud of you, right? We all are. Mouth: Thanks, Skills. Well, I guess I should finish packing and get out of here. Skills: You go do your thing... Marvin McFadden, my brother. They hug. Mouth: Hey, Skills. We grew up here, didn't we? I'm gonna miss this place. He leaves and Skills put a basket. Tree Hill's gymnasium Jamie is dancing with headphones on his head. Quentin and Nathan watch him. Nathan: Turned my son into a goof, Q. Quentin: Well, just so you know, I know your back's been hurting, so I been taking ita little easy on you. Nathan: My back's fine. Quentin: Please. How fine? Nathan: This fine. They play. Hotel's room in LA (night) Peyton and Lucas entre in a room, Peyton laughs and Lucas is closing his eyes. Peyton: Okay, open your eyes. Lucas: This is the room where... Peyton: You proposed to me four years ago. Lucas: Yeah. Peyton: You said it should be like a dream, so... I have this dream where we're back in this hotel room, and you propose to me, and every single time, I say yes. Lucas: It's just a dream, right? Peyton: But it's my dream. They kiss. Mouth and Skills' appartment (night) Millicent arrives behind Mouth and holds hil in her arms. Mouth: Hi, I don't want to leave you. Millicent: What if I said you didn't have to? Mouth (surprised): Really? You're coming to Omaha? Millicent: If you'll still have me. They kiss. Nathan and Haley's house (night) Jamie is showing to Haley how to dance his steps learned by Quentin. Nathan watches them. Nathan: all right, you dancing fool, it's time for bed. And you, too, Jamie. Haley laughs. Haley (with a strange voice): Goodbye. Jamie: Good night, mama. Jamie: Hey, daddy, when you play in the NBA, you should play for the Bobcats. That way, you can come home a lot more and see me and mama, plus, Q says they need a shooting guard. Nathan: Q, huh? You and Q. Come here. Nathan carries Jamie in his arms, but he grimaces by feeling a pain in the back. Clothes Over Bros (night) Brooke is calling someone on the phone. Brooke: It's me. I've been thinking about our little partnership, and I've come to a decision. I am this company. I am the reason it is successful. Do you understand me? So if you want a fight, you got it. She hangs up. Carrie's house (night) Carrie attaches Dan with belts. Carrie: Disappointed you spoiled my surprise so soon. What do you have to say for yourself, mr. Murderer? She grimaces by laughing at him. Carrie: I've been planning this for some time now. Flashback of what happened to Dan after he was hitting by the car. Carrie: First, I hit you with the borrowed car and took your wallet, wheeled John Doe out of recovery. It all happened so fast. There was so much blood and chaos, no one took the time to I.D.You. Guess it helps that their beloved mayor has been in prison for the past four years. Carefully put you into your own car, and now here we are. She's taking a tray with medicines above. Carrie: Most of this stuff was daddy's before he died. The paint and the curtains were just to mess with your head. She takes a syringe and fills it with some medicine. Carrie: See... eventually, I am going to do the world a favor and kill you. She injects him the contents of the syringe. Carrie: But first, I'm gonna get Jamie back. And you're gonna help me, aren't you, grandpa dan? She takes Dan's head in her hands and makes him say yes with it. Carrie: Yes, you are. Yes. Good boy. She leaves the room and Dan becomes unconscious. On the road (night) In a car, Millicent and Mouth are leaving Tree Hill to go to Ohama. Hotel's room in LA (night) Lucas is holding the ring in his hand and asks Peyton to marry him. Lucas: Peyton Sawyer... I love you. Peyton: Yes. Lucas: You didn't let me ask you. Peyton: Yes, baby. Yes. God, I love you. They kiss. Clothes Over Bros (night) Brooke is alone in the store, she's putting her sketches in a drawer and she closes it and holds the key. Then she's ready to leave, she turns the light off. Brooke: This is my store. This is my life. It's what I wished for. Someone enters in the shop and attacks her with violence, she screams...

Plan: A: the airport; Q: Where does the girl of Lucas' dreams show up? A: news; Q: What could change Nathan's career? A: Dan's life; Q: What hangs in the balance? A: Millicent; Q: Who does Mouth wrestle with leaving Tree Hill? A: Victoria; Q: Who is Brooke's mother? A: Clothes Over Bros; Q: What is the name of Brooke's clothing line? Summary: The girl of Lucas' dreams shows up at the airport. Nathan's comeback is halted by news that could change his career, while Dan's life hangs in the balance. Mouth and Millicent wrestle with leaving Tree Hill, as Brooke and Victoria's battle over Clothes Over Bros comes to a surprising head.

THE MIND ROBBER By DERRICK SHERWIN 5:20pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] JUST OUTSIDE THE TARDIS (The sound of an explosion.) (The Doctor is standing just outside the TARDIS doors with his back to them, looking off to the left, mopping his face with a handkerchief. He is in his usual outfit of checked trousers, white shirt and dark jacket. One of the doors is open, and Jamie is standing in the doorway with a hand on the Doctor's shoulder and his mouth hanging open as he looks off to the right. He is wearing his kilt as usual and a light-colored button-front shirt and a vest, with a kerchief knotted around his neck.) (Jamie glances at the Doctor, seeing that he is looking elsewhere. He grips the Doctor's shoulder and shakes it in rising panic.) JAMIE: Come on Doctor, will you look! (He points off to the right.) (The Doctor stuffs his handkerchief into the breast pocket of his jacket and looks in the direction Jamie has pointed. Lava is rolling steadily downhill toward them. The Doctor's eyes grow big in alarm.) DOCTOR: Oh my word! Come on Jamie, into the TARDIS! Quickly! (He pushes Jamie through the doorway and follows him in.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (The lava is continuing its steady and speedy approach.) (The Doctor hesitates inside the TARDIS, looking over his shoulder to glance at the lava through the doors, fascinated, then rushes to the console where Jamie has activated the control to close the doors.) (Zoe watches the lava on the scanner, fascinated. She is in a sleeveless dress, and both she and the dress are smudged liberally with dirt.) ZOE: Isn't it beautiful? (Jamie walks over to Zoe.) JAMIE: Hey? (She turns to look at him.) ZOE: The volcanic eruption. It's beautiful! (She looks back to the scanner.) JAMIE: Beautiful?! A great river of molten lava rolling any minute... DOCTOR: Shush! Shush just a minute! Quiet! Oh! Oh dear! (Jamie and Zoe rush over to the Doctor at the console.) JAMIE: (Concerned.) Something wrong? DOCTOR: Well, this sort of thing has happened before. The... the fluid links don't seem to be able to take the load. Oh! Oh! (Smoke is suddenly coming from the TARDIS console, and the Doctor starts fanning it away. Jamie and Zoe start fanning at the smoke.) ZOE: Oh! Mercury vapours! DOCTOR: Yes. (Coughs.) JAMIE: Well we can't stay here. We'll be buried by that lava. (He glances at the scanner.) It's nearly on us. Look! (They all look to the scanner. Lava is advancing.) DOCTOR: (Enthralled, smiling.) Oh my word. What a wonderful sight! ZOE: (Agreeing, smiling.) Fantastic. JAMIE: Listen, will you two stop gaping at that and get us out of here! DOCTOR: Don't worry, Jamie. We're safe in the TARDIS. (He continues to watch the lava on the scanner, fascinated.) JAMIE: Are you sure? DOCTOR: (Starting to think.) Well... JAMIE: Well, I mean, has the TARDIS ever been buried up to its neck in lava before? DOCTOR: (Looking increasingly concerned and thoughtful.) Well... no. JAMIE: Well, how can you be so sure were going to be alright?! DOCTOR: (Flustered, unsure. He turns back to the controls.) Well... perhaps the fluid links have cooled down by now. (He starts flipping switches on the console.) DOCTOR: (Muttering under his breath.) Just a bit more power. (Jamie starts to wring his hands nervously.) DOCTOR: Uh... Zoe... uh. Can you read off what that... uh... that meter is registering please? ZOE: Reading... 987 point 3... DOCTOR: Yes. (Jamie starts to wring his hands again.) ZOE: ...point 4... DOCTOR: Uh.. ZOE: ...5... DOCTOR: Oh no. ZOE: ...6... (Her jaw drops and her eye get wide.) ZOE: It's jumped to 991 point... it's going up by numerals! DOCTOR: Oh no! (The Doctor is struggling with a control on the console. Smoke is pouring from the console again. Jamie is fanning at the smoke with both hands and starts coughing.) DOCTOR: Oh! This dumb thing's stuck! Of all the stupid idiotic...! (The Doctor fans the smoke with one hand. They are all coughing. Jamie looks up at the scanner.) JAMIE: Doctor! (He points to the image on the scanner.) JAMIE: The lava's up to the TARDIS! (He starts to cough again.) ZOE: (OOV.) It's reached the thousand danger mark Doctor! (The Doctor is still struggling with the control on the console.) DOCTOR: If only I could unstick this stupid idiotic... (It finally gives.) DOCTOR: (With obvious relief.) Oh there we are. Oh. ZOE: Have you done it? DOCTOR: No but... ZOE: Are we on our way? DOCTOR: I've stopped the fluid links from vaporizing. We shan't suffocate. JAMIE: No, but if you don't hurry up and get us out of here, we'll be fried by that lava. ZOE: Well, isn't there any way we can get away? DOCTOR: (Considering.) Well there is an emergency unit, but... oh no, I can't possibly use that. ZOE: But this is an emergency! DOCTOR: But it moves the TARDIS out of the time space dimension! Out of reality! JAMIE: Well fine! (He looks back at the scanner.) JAMIE: Reality's getting too hot anyway! DOCTOR: (Flustered.) Oh... ah... oh alright! (He goes underneath the console and opens a door, and pulls something out of a compartment there.) DOCTOR: Here we are! (He looks it over, one end, then the other.) DOCTOR: Now then... which end was... yes... (He starts to push it into a slot in the console, but stops abruptly. His hand is still resting on the emergency unit.) DOCTOR: No. I... I can't possibly use this. We don't know what will happen! JAMIE: Look, will you stop this jabbering and get on with it! Look! (He points to the scanner where the lava is covering the view. He puts his hand over the Doctor's and pushes the device into the console. The sound of the TARDIS dematerializing is heard, but it sounds distorted, grating. The TARDIS is shaking. Jamie clutches the Doctor in terror as they all look around, waiting to see what will happen.) [SCENE_BREAK] JUST OUTSIDE THE TARDIS (The outside of the TARDIS is covered in lava, except for the light and the very top panel. The light is flashing, and the lava continues to flow. The lava covers the entire TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (Jamie is still clutching the Doctor fearfully. The shaking and the dematerializing sound stop.) JAMIE: Oh! There you are. We're alright. What was the panic all about? (The Doctor, staring at the scanner, motions to Zoe.) DOCTOR: Is there any reading on the meter Zoe? ZOE: Yes it's... (She looks down at the meter in disbelief.) ZOE: Well, that's funny. There's no reading at all. DOCTOR: I know. (Looking over the console.) None of the meters are registering. Not one. (Jamie walks over to the Doctor and Zoe.) JAMIE: Ah, but we're safe aren't we? I mean, we're out of the lava stuff and we're alright here. DOCTOR: (He looks concerned, subdued.) Yes, possibly. I'd better get working on the TARDIS controls right away. (He starts to turn away.) ZOE: Uh... Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? ZOE: We're not actually in flight, are we? DOCTOR: No, why? ZOE: Well, then presumably we've landed. So why isn't the scanner showing anything? DOCTOR: (Looking grave.) Well... because... well... we're nowhere. It's as simple as that. I'll be in the power room Jamie. JAMIE: Oh, right. (He watches the Doctor leave the control room, and approaches Zoe.) JAMIE: Hey! What does he mean by "nowhere"? ZOE: I don't know. I suppose he means that outside the TARDIS now is... nothing. JAMIE: Oh. ZOE: Just nothing. JAMIE: Hunh. Well, I'm away to change. And I suggest you do the same. (He looks at her up and down with disdain.) JAMIE: You look like a wee McLarty ZOE: A what?! JAMIE: A... a... ragamuffin... uh, oh never mind. (He walks away, and looking puzzled she walks away as well. The scanner is still showing nothing.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS POWER ROOM (Zoe walks into the room in a dark, glittering cat suit.) ZOE: Doctor? DOCTOR: (Alarmed) Wh-Wh-What's happened?! ZOE: Oh, nothing. It's all exactly the same. DOCTOR: Oh good, good. ZOE: You're worried about something, Doctor. What is it? DOCTOR: Me? Worried? No. No. It's only the unknown that worries me Zoe. ZOE: But if there's nothing outside the TARDIS, and we're nowhere, then what is there to worry about? DOCTOR: I don't know, but you see, the emergency unit is limited to a certain time simply because it's... ZOE: ...because it's dangerous to stay where we are for any longer. Yes. But we must be safe at the moment, otherwise the unit wouldn't let us stay here, would it? DOCTOR: (Bemused.) You're interested in what's outside the TARDIS now, aren't you? ZOE: Well... curious, yes. DOCTOR: Zoe. Listen to me. If we move outside the TARDIS, we step into a dimension about which we know nothing. We should be at the mercy of the forces outside time and space as we know it. ZOE: But Doctor, I still think we should go out and see... DOCTOR: (Sternly.) Zoe, we must stay in the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (Jamie has changed clothes, and is now wearing his usual kilt, a dark short-sleeve mock turtleneck and the same scruffy, warm-looking vest as before. He is watching the scanner. He can hear bagpipes playing. His mouth gapes open in joy and amazement. He can see the hills of the Highlands. He is smiling. There is a tear in his eye.) ZOE: (Striding into the room.) He still has his head stuck in that... (She sees the look on Jamie's face and stops.) JAMIE: Zoe! Do you see that?! Do you see where we are?! ZOE: What? JAMIE: Look on the scanner! (He points to it excitedly.) It's my home! It's Scotland! ZOE: Scotland?! (She turns to look at the scanner.) JAMIE: Aye! (He looks back to the scanner. There is nothing there.) JAMIE: Oh. It was there. ZOE: (Sounding skeptical.) Oh... yeh. (She walks over to the console.) JAMIE: Now look... (He walks over to her.) JAMIE: I'm not seeing things you know. It was there I tell you. ZOE: Really? JAMIE: Aye. The... the mist must have covered it over. Aye. You get a lot of mist in the Highlands. ZOE: So you think we've landed then? JAMIE: Yes! I mean I... I couldn't... (Gesturing to the scanner.) have seen anything, could I... Oh, just a minute. ZOE: What? (He starts looking over the TARDIS console.) JAMIE: There's a wee gadget on here somewhere that... warns you to go elsewhere if there's any danger... No! No, it's definitely switched off! We've landed! ZOE: (Turning away from him.) Well, I think it's more likely that you saw... (She is staring at the scanner as if she can't believe her eyes. She sees a futuristic sprawling city.) ZOE: It can't be, Jamie... JAMIE: (Looking at the console.) Aye. It's switched off alright. ZOE: It's the city. My home. (Turning excitedly to Jamie at the console.) Jamie you did see something, but it wasn't Scotland! JAMIE: Of course it was. Look, I know Scotland when I see it! ZOE: And I know my home city. Anyway, there's your proof. (Gesturing towards the scanner.) (The scanner is blank. There is nothing there.) JAMIE: Uh hunh. ZOE: But I don't understand. It was there. JAMIE: Yeah, I know. Scotland. ZOE: Nooo. It was quite plainly... Oh! Anyway, we've both seen something, so that proves we've landed, doesn't it? JAMIE: Yes. ZOE: Well, let's go out and see. (Zoe moves to walk past Jamie and leave the TARDIS. Jamie puts his hand on her shoulder to prevent her, and makes a sound of disagreement.) JAMIE: (Firmly.) Now, not without the Doctor. ZOE: (Frustrated and disgusted.) Oh, alright. JAMIE: Aye. (He leaves to get the Doctor. Zoe looks up at the scanner... and sees the image of her home, the futuristic city again.) ZOE: (Excitedly.) It tis! Jamie! Doctor! It tis my home! (She looks in the direction Jamie and the Doctor have left by, not seeing them.) ZOE: (Impatiently.) Oh come on! (She hurries to the console.) ZOE: Now which one... (She looks over several levers and pushes one. The TARDIS doors slowly open, revealing white nothing beyond. Terribly tempted, but unsure, she looks back to see if the Doctor and Jamie are coming, but they're not.) ZOE: Oh come on! (She looks toward the open doors, hesitates, then hurries through them and is swallowed up by the void. The picture on the scanner remains for a moment after she has disappeared, then it too disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS POWER ROOM JAMIE: No, we definitely saw something! DOCTOR: But Jamie, it's not p... (Considering.) You say you both saw different things? JAMIE: No! It was definitely Scotland. Zoe thought she saw something else, a... home city or something, but no, it was very misty and she couldn't ha' seen right. DOCTOR: So you both saw your homes. JAMIE: No, Doctor! I'm saying... (The Doctor had turned to leave the room.) JAMIE: Aww. (Jamie gives up in disgust and follows the Doctor.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: Zoe! (He sees that the room is empty and the doors are open.) DOCTOR: Oh my word! JAMIE: Where is she? (The Doctor rushes to the TARDIS doors with Jamie following.) DOCTOR: Zoe! Zoe! Uh! JAMIE: (Annoyed.) Oh! I told her to wait. I'll go and get her. (He starts to walk past the Doctor to go after Zoe.) DOCTOR: No! Jamie! (He stops Jamie from leaving too.) DOCTOR: Don't you see?! Those pictures that you and Zoe saw... on the scanner were put there... obviously put there to tempt you to go outside. JAMIE: But wh-why? DOCTOR: I don't know... (He looks through the open doors.) DOCTOR: ...but there's someone or something out there that wants us to go out of the TARDIS. JAMIE: You mean some kind of danger? DOCTOR: I don't know. (A bell-like warning sounds and a light flashes on the console.) DOCTOR: Oh. Oh no! That's the first warning. (He rushes to the console with Jamie right behind him.) DOCTOR: There isn't much more time. JAMIE: What about Zoe? We can't leave her out there. I'll go and find her. (He runs through the door before the Doctor can stop him, disappearing.) DOCTOR: No! Jamie! No! (He runs to the doorway, staring into the nothingness, hoping for a sign of him.) DOCTOR: JAMIE! JAMIE! (The bell-like warning starts to sound again, though now sounding more urgent. The Doctor turns to look back at the console.) DOCTOR: Oh. Oh no! (He glances at the white void outside the TARDIS, then to the console again. He hurries to the console. He then hears a high pitched discordant noise getting louder and starts looking around the room for the source of it. He puts his hands over his ears. The alarm stops.) DOCTOR: Who are you?! (The noise seems to lessen and the Doctor starts to lower his hands from his ears. But then the noise intensifies and his hands fly back to cover his ears, trying to block the sound out.) DOCTOR: Who are you?! Where are you?! What do you want with me?! (He sits in a chair.) DOCTOR: No! No! I... I must fight. I must fight! (He grips the arms of the chair and closes his eyes tightly in concentration.) DOCTOR: I will fight! [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE VOID ZOE: (OOV.) Jamie! Doctor! Where are you? (She is in the distance running, then stops, looking around.) JAMIE: (OOV) Zoe! Zoe! (He appears and jogs over to Zoe.) ZOE: Oh Jamie, I though I was lost for good. JAMIE: Aye. (Looking around.) It's funny out here isn't it? It's... not the mist that we thought it was. It's uh... ZOE: Opaque. Nothing. JAMIE: Aye. ZOE: Just like the Doctor said. JAMIE: Doesn't feel right though. Come on. Back to the TARDIS. (He steps forward in the direction he has come from, pulling Zoe with him as they are now hand in hand. Zoe resists.) ZOE: Is that the right way? JAMIE: Course that's the right... (He looks in the direction Zoe had come from.) JAMIE: ...way... Oh... Yeh... Uh... No it could be um... (He looks back in the direction he's come from and had been about to go.) JAMIE: Oh. (And looks back in the other direction again.) ZOE: We're lost aren't we? JAMIE: No... No, I wouldn't say that... (But it is clear he doesn't know which way to go.) JAMIE: uh... we just uh... well, we um... (He walks a few steps in the direction Zoe has come from and stops.) JAMIE: We just eh... (He looks back at Zoe, reluctant to admit it.) JAMIE: Uh... (He peers in one direction and then looks back at Zoe.) JAMIE: Uh. You want to know something? ZOE: What? JAMIE: I think we're lost. ZOE: (Sounding stern and frightened.) Oh this isn't a joke, Jamie. JAMIE: Oh... no you're right. (Hesitating in front of Zoe, he take several steps past her, to once again look in the direction he has come.) JAMIE: The Doctor was saying that those... images we saw in the scanner were... put here to tempt us out. ZOE: Well, if there was somebody trying to tempt us away, where are they? And who are they? JAMIE: Aye. Aye! Well, let's not be in too much of a hurry to find out, hey? ZOE: But what are we going to do? JAMIE: The TARDIS can't be that far away. No! If we stand here and shout for the Doctor, when he hears us he can guide us back. Doctor! ZOE: Doctor! Can you hear us? [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (The Doctor is still sitting in the chair, holding onto its arms with his eyes closed.) JAMIE: (OOV) Doctor! ZOE: (OOV) Doctor! JAMIE: (OOV.) Answer if you can hear us?! DOCTOR: (Thinking to himself as Jamie and Zoe's voices are in the background.) {No. I will fight. I will fight!} [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE VOID (Zoe is running, trying to find the TARDIS. She stops and looks around. Jamie comes to a halt behind her.) ZOE: Oh Jamie. This is hopeless. We could be going round in circles. JAMIE: Aye. You know, I've got the funny feeling that we're being watched. Do you not feel it too? ZOE: Yes. (Two white robots appear a little distance behind Jamie and Zoe, but neither Jamie nor Zoe see them.) JAMIE: Can you see anyone? ZOE: No. No one at all. (Looking around slowly, she looks behind them.) ZOE: Jamie! Look! (He turns to look.) JAMIE: What tis it? ZOE: I-It's very faint... but I think it's my home again! JAMIE: (Sounding almost angry.) Zoe! It's a trick! Now you know it tis? (Standing behind her, his hands have her firmly by the upper arms, keeping her from going toward her "home".) ZOE: Oh Jamie. It's gone! JAMIE: Well that proves it, doesn't it? A city like that doesn't just disappear, does it? ZOE: But it is out there! JAMIE: (With his hands on her upper hands, adding impact to his words.) It's not Zoe! You know it tisn't! ZOE: No. I know. But for a moment I thought it was real. It was almost as though I was seeing what I most wanted to see. (She shudders and looks around.) ZOE: Oh Jamie. alright. We've got to get away. (She looks back to Jamie, but he is standing completely still, staring into space, mesmerized.) ZOE: Jamie? (Jamie can hear the sound of bagpipes, and sees the green and hills of his Highlands once again.) ZOE: Jamie! It's not real! JAMIE: I know... but it's there... ZOE: No Jamie! It's not! (She stands in front of him, grabbing his shoulders.) JAMIE: ...I must... ZOE: (Shaking him by his shoulders.) No! Jamie no! (Desperate, she slaps him. He recoils, holding his hand to the side of his face staring at Zoe.) JAMIE: Oh! What did you...? (They both stare for a moment in the same direction Jamie has been a moment before.) ZOE: Oh, the Doctor's right. There is something or someone trying to tempt us away. JAMIE: ...aye... (Jamie takes Zoe by the hand and they turn around to leave. They stop immediately, having taken only a step. There are white robots coming towards them.) JAMIE: ...what are they?... ZOE: I don't know. But they don't look very friendly. (They try to run away but are surrounded. They see an image of themselves clothed entirely in white. Zoe screams. The white clad smiling Zoe and Jamie beckon.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (Zoe and Jamie, clothed in white, beckon soundlessly to the Doctor. He is sitting in the chair with his hands gripping the arms of the chair, a look of strain and concentration on his face.) DOCTOR: {Jamie! Zoe! Don't go! Don't go!} UNKNOWN VOICE: Follow them. Follow and save them. (The Doctor's eyes warily open, and he lets his hands off the arms of the chair, raising them to his ears.) DOCTOR: {Who are you? What do you want?} UNKNOWN VOICE: Follow them. DOCTOR: No. I won't. I won't give in. UNKNOWN VOICE: You will. You will. You will. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE VOID (Jamie and Zoe are being attacked by the white robots who are directing a beam of hypnotic-like power at them, affecting their minds, their very existence. Zoe screams.) [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (The Doctor is standing with his eyes closed and a hand to the side of his head, in pain and concentration.) UNKNOWN VOICE: There is still time. Save them. Save them! DOCTOR: {I can't let it happen. I can't.} (Wincing, the Doctor starts to walk toward the open TARDIS doors, no longer able to resist.) [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE VOID (The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS and into the nothing. He turns to look back at the TARDIS. It has turned white. He looks out into the void.) DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! (He sees them standing motionless, all in white.) DOCTOR: (OOV.) {Jamie. Zoe. Concentrate only on my words. Think of me. Think of the TARDIS. They are the only real things here. Everything else is unreality. It is only in your minds. Now, concentrate. Come to me now. Now!} (The now white-clad, zombie-like Jamie and Zoe start to move forward. A white robot is behind them.) DOCTOR: Walk straight to the TARDIS. Don't stop! (Jamie and Zoe are approaching the Doctor and the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Come on. Walk into the TARDIS. Come on. Don't look behind you! (There are three white robots behind Jamie and Zoe, and they are continuing to advance.) DOCTOR: Now go in. Go in! (Jamie and Zoe get closer to the Doctor and the TARDIS and safety, then stop. The robots are catching up with them.) DOCTOR: Jamie! Zoe! Go in before it's too late! (The robots again direct their hypnotizing effect on Jamie and Zoe. In desperation, the Doctor tries to grab them and pull them into the TARDIS, but changes his mind when they are resistant and runs behind them pushing instead.) DOCTOR: (Yelling.) Go in! [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: (Pushing Jamie and Zoe into the TARDIS.) Go in! (Jamie and Zoe instantly revert to their normal selves upon entering the TARDIS, no longer clothed in white, but in their normal clothes. The Doctor closes the doors as soon as he is able.) JAMIE: (Bewildered.) Doctor. What's been happening? DOCTOR: (Without looking up from operating controls on the console.) Shush, Jamie. Quiet. (The TARDIS center column is moving. They are in flight.) JAMIE: Oh. (A sort of moan, recovering from the ordeal.) DOCTOR: (Glances at Jamie.) How do you feel? ZOE: Oh what happened? Where have we been? DOCTOR: Nowhere. JAMIE: Bu-Bu... Bu... I th... DOCTOR: All mental images Jamie. Pure imagination. ZOE: But why? What's all this about? DOCTOR: I don't know. We've got to be careful. We've got to be very, very careful now. ZOE: But careful? But we're safe enough back in the TARDIS aren't we? DOCTOR: Yes, possibly. (A whining high pitched sound fills the TARDIS. It is the same sound as the one the Doctor had heard earlier.) JAMIE: What's that? DOCTOR: I... I... I... don't know. JAMIE: Oh, it's not the TARDIS going wrong again? DOCTOR: No. No. We're... we're on our way alright, but... uh... trouble is I don't know where to. JAMIE: Well that's not unusual. Look... let... Just tell me when we get there, hey? (He walks away.) ZOE: I'm sorry Doctor. It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone outside. DOCTOR: (Distractedly.) That's alright Zoe. (Patting her on the arm.) I... I don't think you could help it. ZOE: (Indignant.) Why not? DOCTOR: Well... I think whoever it was that was tempting you outside made it irresistible. Why, even I gave in when the voice... ZOE: What voice? DOCTOR: I... I... I don't know. Perhaps there wasn't one but... Perhaps it was just... illusion. ZOE: But... but we are safe now? DOCTOR: Oh yes. Yes. Yes. The... the TARDIS is performing quite normally... Oh that's odd. ZOE: What? DOCTOR: Well... this meter's dropped below a thousand. ZOE: Well, is that critical? DOCTOR: No. It just means that we're using more power than we're... than we're storing, but... don't worry, we've got a... an emergency power booster unit here somewhere, if I can only find the switch. Now... (He tries a switch without success.) DOCTOR: No. Uh. Oh. Oh dear. It's here somewhere. (Jamie, asleep in a chair, the same one the Doctor had been sitting in earlier, is thrashing about in the grip of a bad dream. He hears the sound of a nightmarishly distorted whinnying horse.) DOCTOR: Ah! ZOE: Found it? DOCTOR: Yes! Yes, that's the one. Now just a little bit more... power and... Read off the meter for me will you Zoe? ZOE: Reading... 990... (A throbbing vibration is audible, unlike any normal sound of the TARDIS. No one seems to notice.) DOCTOR: Yeh. ZOE: ...1... DOCTOR: Good. ZOE: ...2... DOCTOR: Fine. ZOE: ...3... (Jamie wakes up from his nightmare with a start.) JAMIE: AH! DOCTOR: Quiet Jamie. JAMIE: Oh. Wuh-Wuh... What's been happening? ZOE: ...4... DOCTOR: Yeah. ZOE: Steady at 4. DOCTOR: Oh no. Oh. JAMIE: (Getting up from the chair.) S---Something wrong?! ZOE: ...5... DOCTOR: Good. ZOE: ...6... DOCTOR: Fine. ZOE: ...7...8... DOCTOR: Oh yeh. Let it creep up now... I... I don't want it to blow the fluid links again. JAMIE: (Walking over to Zoe) I just had... the most peculiar dream. There was this big white horse with a horn... right in the middle of his head, and... and... ZOE: A unicorn?! JAMIE: Hey? Aye, probably. He was charging straight towards me... ZOE: ...998... JAMIE: ...head down, ready for the kill! I thought any moment...! ZOE: (Annoyed.) Oh really Jamie! Your imagination is... (She is staring at something.) JAMIE: What's the matter? ZOE: I don't... Jamie, look! (Jamie looks at the Doctor, whose eyes are closed, and the heel of his right hand is pressed to his forehead.) JAMIE: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JAMIE: What's up? DOCTOR: Uh. Quiet, Jamie. Quiet. (Jamie suddenly puts his hands to his head and winces. The Doctor opens his eyes.) DOCTOR: That sound. That vibration. It's alien. ZOE: (Her fingers pressed firmly to her temples.) I can feel it too! In my head! DOCTOR: I don't seem to be able to concentrate. Uh. Concentrate! (His eyes get bigger - he's just realized something. The sound becomes louder, and the Doctor presses his fingers to his temples as if trying to push it out of his mind.) DOCTOR: Both of you! Concentrate on something! ZOE: I CAN'T! JAMIE: What is it?! DOCTOR: Read off the figures to me Zoe! Aloud! ZOE: (Struggling.) ...991... DOCTOR: Go on. Louder! Both of you! Read them off! ZOE: ...2... JAMIE: (Head down, hands clutching his head.) ...2... ZOE: ...3... JAMIE: ...3... DOCTOR: It's dragging me! ZOE: ...4... JAMIE: ...4... DOCTOR: Concentrate! Both of you! JAMIE/ZOE: ...5... DOCTOR: Oh! It's... too strong! JAMIE/ZOE: ...6... DOCTOR: It's too powerful! JAMIE/ZOE: ...7... DOCTOR: Oh! JAMIE/ZOE: ...8... DOCTOR: Oh!... I must fight! JAMIE/ZOE: ...9... DOCTOR: I must fight! JAMIE/ZOE: ...10... DOCTOR: I will fight! JAMIE/ZOE: ...11... [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE THE TARDIS (The TARDIS gently turns in starless space. Suddenly an explosion, and it flies apart. The console slowly spins in space with Jamie holding on desperately, and Zoe draped across it clinging just as desperately.) ZOE: (Pointing) Jamie! The Doctor! (She starts screaming. The Doctor, eyes closed, is spinning gently in the black nothingness. The console with Jamie and Zoe holding on is slowly obscured, but spinning faster and faster. Eventually it disappears, swallowed by the mist...)

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who activates the emergency unit? A: an emergency unit; Q: What does the Doctor activate on board the TARDIS? A: destruction; Q: What are the travelers trying to escape? A: The travellers; Q: Who is lured out of the ship? A: a ghostly white void; Q: What do the travelers find themselves lured into? Summary: The Doctor activates an emergency unit on board theTARDIS to escape destruction by a volcanic eruption. Unfortunately, it moves them out of normal space and time to a deadly world where fantasy rules. The travellers find themselves lured out of the ship into a ghostly white void.

Originally written by Betsy Borns Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.] MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying? ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are. MONICA: Maye it's me. ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants. CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody. ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica) MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again) CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.) JOEY: Cool. MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me. ROSS: Come on, don't do this. MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then? CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat. (Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica) JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah! MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window) JOEY: Are you ok, Ross? ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie? MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi-- ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie. MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special. ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi. MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god. ROSS: Ugh. MONICA: Oh my god. ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse. MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up? ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller. MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital. JOEY: Is he gonna be ok? MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot. ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble? MONICA: Jacket now. ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital. CHANDLER: We'll watch him. ROSS: I don't think tho. JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we? CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window. ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag. JOEY: Hat, milk, got it. ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a thro thro! JOEY: Consider it done. CHANDLER: You understood that? JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue. CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife? (Central Perk) PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower. RACHEL: Ok. PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget. TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute? RACHEL: What's up? TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good. RACHEL: But what about Phoebe? TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around. RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her. TERRY: Uh-- RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her? PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed. (Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben) CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil? JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby. CHANDLER: No, I got him. JOEY: No, seriously. CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him? CAROLINE: Hello. BOYS: Hello. CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie? CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me? JOEY: You wanna smell him? CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now. JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head. CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat. JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this. CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys. CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? (Central Perk) PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk. RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry. PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top. RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from. PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could. RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.< br> TERRY: I, I don't know. RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine. TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine? RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it. TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine. RACHEL: Done. PHOEBE: Really? RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe? PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get? RACHEL: What? PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing. RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional. PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid. RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs. PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la.... ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun. DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction. MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles. ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea? MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally. DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now. ROSS: Tho? (Monica shakes her head.) ROSS: Ohhh. MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me? ROSS: Ok. MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand! CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi! JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent. CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on. GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable. CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink. GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today? JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff. CHANDLER: You done? JOEY: Yeah. GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop. JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too. GIRL 2: You guys live around here too? JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk. CHANDLER: You know it? JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink? GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's? CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there. GIRL 2: Where's your baby? CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben! CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord. BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait! MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts. DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring. ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate. PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player? STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie. PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know? STEPHANIE: All of them. PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor? STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap? STEPHANIE: No. PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face) CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er. JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again. RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to-- PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer. STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary. PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me! CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here? TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father. [SCENE_BREAK] CHANDLER: That's me. JOEY: I'm him. CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey) BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy! CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby. JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks. CHANDLER: Ok. JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth. CHANDLER: Yeah? JOEY: Yeah. CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off. JOEY: Ahh! CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do? JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns. CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby? JOEY: You got a better idea? CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air. JOEY: Heads. CHANDLER: Heads it is. JOEY: Yes! Whew! CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something. JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads. CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? (on the sidewalk outside Central Perk) RACHEL: Hey. PHOEBE: Oh, hi. RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold. PHOEBE: Thank you. RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well. PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better. RACHEL: Do you? PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat. RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money. RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat". PHOEBE: Really? From who? RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite. KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency. PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go. KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it! (chez Monica and Rachel) ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand. MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you. ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand? MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? ROSS: Oh. MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin? ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb? MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it. ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister. MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass. ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? MONICA: That was you? ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it. MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying. CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying. (Ben starts crying) JOEY: Yes! There's still pie. ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today. ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt? CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this. ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here. CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run! STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat". STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat... PHOEBE: Better. Yeah. STEPHANIE: Yeah? PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song. STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: You wanna try it again? STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top? PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me? STEPHANIE: Ok. PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm. TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault. PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry.

Plan: A: the emergency room; Q: Where does Monica take Ross after he has an allergic reaction? A: Joey babysit Ross' baby son; Q: What did Joey and Chandler do while Ross was in the hospital? A: bait; Q: What do Chandler and Joey use Ben as? A: a gay couple; Q: What do women think Chandler and Joey are? A: a bus; Q: What did Joey and Chandler leave Ben on? A: two babies; Q: How many babies do Chandler and Joey have to choose from at the lost and found? A: Phoebe; Q: Who loses her Central Perk gig? A: ( Chrissie Hynde; Q: Who takes Phoebe's gig at Central Perk? A: a stranger Giovanni Ribisi; Q: Who dropped a condom in Phoebe's guitar case? A: Catherine Bell; Q: Who played Robin? A: the girls; Q: Who do Chandler and Joey use Ben to attract? Summary: When Monica rushes Ross to the emergency room after he suffers an allergic reaction, Chandler and Joey babysit Ross' baby son, Ben. They use him as bait to attract girls, but women think they are a gay couple. After accidentally leaving Ben on a bus, they are unable to identify which of two babies is Ben at the city's lost & found. Phoebe loses her Central Perk gig to a professional performer ( Chrissie Hynde ), so she defiantly sings outside the café. Also, a stranger Giovanni Ribisi , who accidentally dropped a condom in Phoebe's guitar case, rushes back to reclaim it for an "emergency." Catherine Bell appears as Robin, one of the girls in the bus.

[Interior Lorelai's house: front door] (Knock, knock) (Lorelai answers.) LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey, you back. (They kiss.) Ready? LORELAI: Almost. LUKE: Almost? LORELAI: I just have to find my keys, and finish the laundry... LUKE: That doesn't sound like almost, that sounds like we're gonna have to speed to the movies, park illegally, you hit the bathroom while I grab the popcorn, we'll meet back at the seats all sweaty and aggravated - LORELAI: Well of course I'll be aggravated, you forgot the Red Vines. No, no keys here. (Searching) LUKE: You know the lights are on in your Jeep? LORELAI: Oh yeah, the porch light's out and it was dark so I left the Jeep on for the light. Could you lift, please? Luke (lifting couch while Lorelai looks under it): But the battery's going to die. LORELAI: Oh, no, I timed it. It takes 12 hours for the battery to wear out. I go to work at eight o'clock, giving me two hours to spare and a whole day to recharge. Not here either. Down, please. (Luke sets the couch down.) LUKE: Why don't you just change the porch light? LORELAI: Have you seen how dirty it is up there? With those creepy moths that fly in your face, and you could swallow one, and end up with some weird hand-to-mouth-to-moth disease - LUKE: There's no such thing. LORELAI: Oh, no? Did you see Mothman Prophecies? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Oh, well, okay then. Did you see the sequel? LUKE: There's a sequel? LORELAI: Yes. It is a heartbreaking saga in which Richard Gere gets a life threatening disease from changing a dirty porch light. LUKE: There was no sequel. LORELAI: Well, it's still really gross up there. LUKE: How long has it been out? LORELAI: Uh, since Rory broke up with Dean, the first time. LUKE: Not the sequel. LORELAI: Yes, he was the last one to change it. Jess never changed the porch light, by the way. Okay, this room is definitely keyless. Kitchen! (Lorelai walks into kitchen and opens oven.) LUKE: You left your keys in the stove? LORELAI: No, my socks. LUKE: Your socks, of course. How naïve of me. LORELAI: It makes them warm and slightly toasty. (She puts them on.) Huh, that's weird. LUKE: What's weird? There's so much to choose from. LORELAI: They're still damp. I followed the recipe. Bake at two-fifty, ten minutes on one side, ten on the other, they should be done by now. Think my oven's broken? LUKE: What about your dryer? LORELAI: No, dryer's fine. LUKE: I think we should get to the movies. LORELAI: All done, let's go. LUKE: Keys! LORELAI: Ah, forget about them. I'll just leave the door unlocked. LUKE: You can't leave the door unlocked. That's not safe. LORELAI: Sure it is. LUKE: Just because you say it's safe doesn't make it safe. LORELAI: If you build it, they will come. LUKE: Have you checked out the... Your keys are in the door! LORELAI: Huh, they are? That's right, I had to go in the back way because the porch light was out! LUKE: They're stuck. LORELAI: Yeah, that happens. (She hangs a towel over the doorknob.) There. You ready? LUKE: I can never pick you up here again. [Opening credits.] [Yale newspaper office] PARIS: I had a dream about you last night. RORY: If this gets dirty, feel free to keep it to yourself. PARIS: I dreamed that in spite of the fact that you knew I wanted to be assigned the religion beat, you went behind my back to Doyle, cooked him dinner and stole it from me. RORY: It's just a dream, Paris. PARIS: You made veal parmigiana, and it felt very real. RORY: I don't make veal parmigiana. I don't make anything, and I don't want the religion beat. I want features, you know that. PARIS: You say you want features - RORY: And I mean it. PARIS: Dreams tell you things. It's our subconscious talking to us. Warning us, telling us about things that are happening. RORY: Paris - PARIS: My dream was telling me that you are stabbing me in the back with your veal parmigiana. RORY: Well I must have really overcooked it then. PARIS: Let me smell your hands. RORY: Oh, go away! PARIS: You used a lot of garlic. RORY: Bye. PARIS: Rory, listen to me. We're close, like, friends, and I would hate for something as trivial as competition for the religion beat to come between us. RORY: Oh, my God, I don't want the religion beat! PARIS: We could end up like the Van Burens. RORY: As in Mr. and Mrs. President? PARIS: As in Abby and Ann. RORY: Right. PARIS: Sisters in blood, but bitter rivals. They don't even speak anymore. RORY: That's 'cause one of them is dead. PARIS: You don't want the religion beat? RORY: Oh! I'm sorry, you meant the religion beat - No! I don't! (A blonde girl walks by.) PARIS: Tenora Thomas was in my dream too, she was pouring the wine - Yo! Tenora! Where's the fire? (She chases after her.) DOYLE: Hey Rory, did you see this? RORY: See what? GLENN: It's no big deal. DOYLE: Glenn here got himself published in the New York Times. RORY: You're kidding! GLENN: It's no big deal. DOYLE: It's no big deal, he says. RORY: Oh, but this is the article you wrote about the reprinting of The Anarchist's Cookbook. GLENN: It's no big deal! RORY: This was in our last issue. DOYLE: The Times picked it up. They do that every now and then, they pick up something and they publish it, and that's what they did with our boy Glenn here. GLENN: Please don't pat my back again. RORY: Well, congratulations, Glenn. GLENN: Don't say it loud, people are looking. RORY: You should be proud! GLENN: Why, it's not even my best piece. RORY: It's still pretty amazing. DOYLE: It is amazing. It's absolutely amazing that I spent all summer in Indiana working my ass off for the Muncie Messenger, and you went from Star Trek Convention to Boba Fett Fan Club Symposium, and yet, lookie here. The New York Times. Isn't that great, Rory? Aren't you seeing how great it is? GLENN: Look! Get off my bus, okay? I don't know why they picked it, I didn't ask them to pick it, I don't even read the New York Times! DOYLE: You don't read the New - RORY: Well Glenn, it's great, and we're all just really happy for you. (She runs back to her desk.) GLENN: Whatever. (His cell phone rings, Glenn sighs.) Oh man, it's R.W. Apple again. God, does he have anyone else to talk to? (Answers phone while exiting) What? DOYLE: It's like Being There. And he's Chauncey Gardiner. RORY: Hey, Doyle, you have to look at it this way. You edited that piece, and if it hadn't been edited well, the Times never would have picked it. DOYLE: Oh. That's a great way to look at it. Thank you! You know, it's because of me that he's going to be Bob Woodward. I made it happen. So, some day when I'm running the circulation desk at the Muncie Messenger and Glenn is accepting his Pulitzer Prize, I can point up at the screen at the local bar where I regularly stop on my way home to get drop dead drunk, and say, "I helped him get there." Then I can fall off my stool and throw up. Thank you so much for that, Gilmore. I never would've thought to look at it that way if it hadn't have been for you! (Doyle storms off; Rory sighs and pick up Glenn's copy of the New York Times.) [Rory's dorm room] (Rory flops onto her bed, sighs and looks again at the article in the New York Times. Her cell phone rings.) RORY: Hey Mom. [Scene cuts between Rory's dorm and Lorelai's kitchen. Lorelai sits at the table while Luke has his head in the oven.] LORELAI: So, how are you? Do you wanna laugh? RORY: Oh, laughing would be good. LORELAI: Luke did the funniest bit before, I thought you would so be - LUKE: Would you stop? I did not do a bit. LORELAI: What are you talking about? The bit! It was a riot. LUKE: It wasn't a bit! I banged my head on the stove and it hurt like hell. LORELAI: No... no, you said it funnier before. Do it again! LUKE: I told you, I never did it in the first place. You did it, it's your bit. LORELAI: How could it be my bit when it's your head in the oven? LUKE: Exactly. My head, my conk, no bit. RORY: Mom, just wondering, did you call for any particular reason? LORELAI: Just checking in, seeing how you're doing. How are you doing? RORY: I'm fine. LORELAI: Aw, what's wrong? RORY: What makes you think something's wrong? LORELAI: You've got Bambi voice. RORY: I do not have Bambi voice. LORELAI: Spill, please. RORY: I'm just... really behind. LORELAI: Behind what? RORY: I'm behind at the paper. Way, way behind at the paper. Everyone else had these amazing, productive summers. Internships at hometown papers, getting articles reprinted in the New York Times, and me, the person who's been talking about being a journalist her entire life, what did I do? I wasted two whole months running away to Europe with Grandma. LORELAI: Whoa, slow down. First of all, Europe - waste? You had major invaluable experiences, the architecture, the food, seeing my mother without her makeup on in the morning. RORY: But this is the time for work, for learning. I didn't even consider and internship anywhere, I was so wrapped up in my own personal... whatever. I can't believe I did this. LORELAI: Well, okay, let's take a step back here. You say you're behind - RORY: I am behind. LORELAI: - so, you'll catch up. RORY: You say that like it's easy. LORELAI: No, I say that like it's what you're going to do. You've done it before. You were behind at Chilton - you remember? And then you hit a deer, and everything was fine. RORY: The two incidents were in no way connected. LORELAI: But you caught up, right? RORY: That was high school. This is college, a very big, important college. LORELAI: Okay, different school, but same Rory. You're great at the catch up thing, you're the "catch up girl" - not to be confused with "ketchup girl", 'cause that's not you at all. You were strictly a mustard and relish girl from day one - there's a little condiment humor for ya. RORY: I'm really going to have to work - constantly. Maybe I'll have to look for something part-time at a local paper. LORELAI: Good, that's good... Or you could work for a fishmonger. RORY: What? LORELAI: 'Cause there's lots of newspapers there. LUKE: - Ow! Geez! What the - Doh! Lorelai (laughing): He did it! He did the bit! Luke, do it again. Do it louder for Rory. RORY: Hey, Mom? LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: You sound happy. LORELAI: I am, kid. (She smiles at Luke.) LUKE: What? [Dragonfly Inn: dining room] STEPHEN: Mr. Mailer, it's just such a great honor to be doing this interview, so I just want to thank you. NORMAN MAILER: Can I give you a tip? STEPHEN: Yes, sir. NORMAN MAILER: I wouldn't start that way for a simple reason - I don't trust compliments. I've been getting them for years. Sometimes I deserve them, sometimes I didn't. But generally when people give you compliments there's one of two things wrong with them. Either they're false, or what's worse is they're sincere. They really mean the compliment. And then they're offering you their loyalty. And I'm kind of a stingy... Well, I don't necessarily want to give all that loyalty back. So either way, let's skip the compliments. STEPHEN: Let's talk about, uh, what are you working on now? NORMAN MAILER: I'm gonna say no to you, I can't tell you what I'm working on. A novel is like a secret affair, you don't bring other people in on it. [Dragonfly Inn: kitchen] LORELAI: Norman Mailer's back, for the third time this week! SOOKIE: Yep, sure is. LORELAI: This is so exciting. I've got to call and tell Rory. You know, she read The Naked and the Dead while she was still wearing footsie pajamas. SOOKIE: (yells) Chicken's burning! LORELAI: This is our first step on the road to being Solon. I mean, as soon as word gets out that Norman Mailer is having lunch at the Dragonfly, it's just a matter of time before the rest of the literati comes sweeping in. SOOKIE: Sounds great. LORELAI: So, of course, we'll have to keep Gore Vidal on the other side of the room, but, you know, probably Gabriel Garcia Marquez will run interference for us - Sookie (irritably, to staff): Butter bath, boys, butter bath! LORELAI: Are you okay? SOOKIE: Sure. And I'm thrilled and delighted that Norman Mailer is coming in here every day and sitting at a table for four and ordering nothing at all, but tea! LORELAI: Tea? SOOKIE: Iced tea. Glass after glass after glass! LORELAI: I'm sure he orders more than iced tea. SOOKIE: Are you, now? LORELAI: All right, you make great iced tea. I mean, legendary, so can you blame him? SOOKIE: All I know is when Billy Joel came in to the Independence Inn he would pack it away. Appetizers! Main course! Two, three desserts! That was a man that knew how to eat! And he was almost able to hide it. LORELAI: Yes, but have you ever read his novels? SOOKIE: This is a restaurant, not a coffee shop. LORELAI: Come on, Sookie, this is fun! We're the cool place where Norman Mailer likes to hang. It'll give us street cred, you'll see. SOOKIE: Fine. Waiter: We need some more iced tea. SOOKIE: Gee, I wonder who that's for? [Yale newspaper office] DOYLE: Lena, economic development. Seng, Woodbridge Hall. Benji, legal issues. Paris, religion beat. PARIS: Me? Really? Huh, I hadn't thought. All right. DOYLE: Jerry, city arts; Rory, features; Glenn, crime. (Glen clears his throat.) DOYLE: What, Glenn, you don't want crime? GLENN: I don't care. Maureen Dowd told me it's all the same, not that that flirt has any idea what she's talking about. DOYLE: All right, that's it. Congratulations if you got what you wanted, and if you didn't, I could care less. Get cracking. (Meeting breaks up.) RORY: Thank you so much for features beat. I can't tell you how excited I am. DOYLE: And please don't try. RORY: No, I'm gonna kick butt. You just wait and see. DOYLE: You're a reporter now, Gilmore. You've gotta learn to say ass. RORY: I'll work on that. Hey, listen, um, I have about a million ideas for my first story, so I was wondering if I could run some of them by you, see what you think? DOYLE: Two minutes. Go. RORY: Okay, well, first I thought I could do an update on unionizing the janitorial staff, you know, a classic power struggle; haves versus the have-nots. DOYLE: Okay. RORY: Or - and I already have the headline for this one - "Yale's Liberal Activist Network: A thing of the past?" DOYLE: Catchy, catchy RORY: Then there's the issue of illegal music downloading on campus, which I imagine is a major - (Logan walks in with his crew.) DOYLE: Oh no. RORY: What? DOYLE: He's back. LOGAN: Doyle, my friend. (They shake hands.) You're looking very, very well, how ya been? DOYLE: I've been great, Logan. Great to have you back. LOGAN: Yeah, well, I stayed away as long as I could, but the Yale Daily News called to me. DOYLE: Oh, sure. So how's everything? How's the family? LOGAN: Everything's fine, the family's the family... Ah, my desk. Beautiful. DOYLE: Um, you know, Logan, I didn't know exactly when you were coming back, and I gave out the beats. LOGAN: That's fine, Doyle, I'll take whatever you've got left. (He sits with his feet up on the desk.) DOYLE: Actually, there's none left. LOGAN: Perfect, just the one I wanted. Relax, Doyle. I'm just here for the pretty picture in my father's head. I'm not going to be any trouble at all. DOYLE: Oh, Logan, please. You, trouble? Stop. We're just glad to have you here. LOGAN: Careful, boy, you might hurt yourself, kid. Better get back to work, right boss? Rory, nice to see you. (Doyle crosses over to Rory's desk.) DOYLE: You know Logan? How do you know Logan? RORY: No, I don't know him, I met him. A friend introduced us. DOYLE: So you're not friends. RORY: No, definitely not friends. Doyle (hushed): That guy's a real piece of work. He took last year off with a bunch of his friends. He was going to sail Daddy's yacht around till he sank it. RORY: He sank his father's yacht? DOYLE: Right off of Fiji. They spent six months of gallivanting and partying and God knows what in there till Daddy sent one of his planes to bring him back. RORY: I'm guessing his father's rich. DOYLE: His father's Mitchum Huntzberger. RORY: Mitchum Huntzberger? The newspaper guy? DOYLE: The newspaper magnet. The man owns at least twelve different papers. I've spent two years kissing Logan's butt. RORY: Don't you mean ass? DOYLE: Whatever. Guess it's time to pucker up again. Man, I hate those kind of guys. RORY: What kind of guys? DOYLE: Those privileged, white males. RORY: Doyle, you're a privileged white male. DOYLE: Well, he's more privileged. And way more whiter. Why am I talking to you? Meg, why am I talking to Gilmore? RORY: My story - we were picking a story. DOYLE: Right. Well, they all sound fine to me. RORY: Then I think I'll go with the downloading story. DOYLE: Good. Go with your gut. And get to work. (He turns to leave. Logan puts on an old "press" hat.) LOGAN: (1920's reporter voice, on the phone.) Hello, city desk? Smitty here, take this down. I got a hot scoop on a tall blonde and I gotta put it to bed on the double! (He hangs up, laughs at Doyle, winks at Rory, then puts his feet back on the desk and leans back for a nap with the hat over his face.) [Dragonfly Inn: dining room] STEPHEN: How do you see your position in American letters? NORMAN MAILER: I'm either the best, or I'm not. And I have no idea. And in fact I don't even worry about it anymore, because it doesn't matter whether you think you're the best, there are twenty of us around. Twenty American writers right now - I could name them but I won't - who think they're the best living American writer. And I'm one of those twenty. (Sookie enters dining room.) On the other hand, I don't want to make friends with some of those guys, because they're bastards. STEPHEN: Okay, so who is your favorite author of all time? Sookie (interrupting): So, how are we doing over here? NORMAN MAILER (irritated): We're fine. SOOKIE: Hey, you know what goes great with iced tea? Pork tenderloin! STEPHEN: Maybe later, thanks. Sookie; We have a great menu here. I'm holding a couple as we speak. NORMAN MAILER: We're fine, thank you. SOOKIE: Okay. Hey, I don't know if the waiter told you, but today is Wednesday. And on Wednesday at the Dragonfly we play a little something I like to call "Stump the chef"! Which is me. And the way we play is that you name any dish in the world and I will make it for you, and if I don't know what it is, then you get your lunch completely free! NORMAN MAILER: What the devil is she talking about? STEPHEN: Actually, you know what, could we have some lemon for the iced tea? SOOKIE: Lemon? ... oh, sure. One plate of lemon coming up. (She turns to leave) If you change your mind, I'll be in the kitchen. You know, with the food. [Rory's Dorm Room: common room] Rory (on the phone): I already have a ton of data and pages of research and, ooh, the best thing is, Nancy, this girl on the fourth floor, her father was the guy who ran security at the gallery when Lars Ulrich sold all his art and he said he would try to get him on the phone for an interview and I've gotta breathe now. [Scene cuts from Rory to Dean, who is at the register at Doose's Market in a cowboy hat.] Dean: I think that was a record. RORY: So what do you think? You think it sounds big enough, important enough? Dean: Yes, I do. RORY: I think so too. I feel very, very good about this, Forester. Dean: Excellent to hear, Gilmore. (Paris enters dorm, also talking on the phone.) PARIS: Monsignor, why is my asking you keep your cell on vibrate during mass in case I need to fact check a quote outrageous? Rabbi Feldman's doing it for me on Shabbat and he's flying against the Talmud there. (Into her bedroom) Dean: So, when do I get to read this story of yours? RORY: Well, I figured I'll finish a rough draft in time for our date tomorrow night. So you can have a romantic night of proofreading. Huh? Pretty hot, don't ya think? Dean: Yeah, listen - RORY: I'm kidding; you don't have to read it. I'll read it to you. Dean: I have to work tomorrow night. RORY: What? Dean: Sorry. RORY: But it's Thursday. Since when do you work on Thursday? Dean: Since Taylor decided to cash in on the 24-hour trucker crowd. RORY: What trucker crowd? Dean: The trucker crowd off Highway 84. RORY: Since when does the trucker crowd off Highway 84 come through Star's Hollow? Dean: Since we installed an icy machine. RORY: Wow. Dean: Yep. I'm stuck here pulling the new shifts until we see how it's catching on. RORY: Sounds rough. Dean: Yeah. You haven't lived until you've heard Taylor belt out "Stand by Your Man". RORY: You deserve hazard pay. Dean: I've already submitted for it. RORY: So, no tomorrow night. Bummer. How about Saturday? Dean: Saturday I'm here. Uh, what about next week? I've got Tuesday and Wednesdays off. RORY: I have this article, and I'm already behind on my reading. Next weekend? Dean: Going to Maine for my grandparent's wedding anniversary. RORY: Well, it was nice knowing ya. Dean: Way to stand by your man. RORY: So I guess that's week after next, huh? Dean: Yeah, I guess so. RORY: I turn in my article on that Monday. Dean: Monday night it is. RORY: They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Dean: Yeah. s*x can do that also. RORY: Amen, brother. Dean: Okay, I've got to go. You have to stir the nacho cheese every twenty minutes or it forms kind of a rock. RORY: Go stir the cheese. Dean: Call you tomorrow. RORY: Okay. Bye. (Paris comes back into the common room.) PARIS: Did you know that priests have a fabulous sense of humor? RORY: Just stay one lightning bolt's length away from me at all times please. PARIS: You want to go check out some Mormon bingo around 5th? RORY: No thanks. PARIS: How's your article coming? RORY: Very good. PARIS: Good. So you must have found a new angle on it. Right? RORY: Right. New angle. PARIS: Yeah. Downloading stories are everywhere and they all say exactly the same thing. Downloading's up, CD sales are down, but up from last year. It's not hurting the music industry but the music industry's hurting. Blah, blah, blah. You know. It always seems like there's got to be more to it than that, but there never is. But, you have a fresh angle. So good. RORY: Yeah. Good. PARIS: Okay. I'll be back late. If Rabbi Feldman calls, tell him I got the stats from Edward James Olmos' office, so I'm good. Bye. RORY: Yeah, bye. [Dragonfly Inn: office] ANN: What's this? Never mind, I see the noted pink, thank you Lorelai. LORELAI: You're welcome. ANN: Okay. I see a lot of growth this month. The initial drop off, which we all knew was going to happen after the opening has sort of settled and you're doing a good seventy to seventy-five percent occupancy, which is pretty good. LORELAI: Yeah, and the holidays are coming up, we're booked solid the last three weeks of November. ANN: Well that's all positive news. So let's just talk about the couple of things we can do to help till then. LORELAI: So, we need help? ANN: Well, yeah. Some. It's the first year, and you're going to building the business so there's not a lot of profit right now, and personally I'd feel better if we could just lighten some of the financial load. SOOKIE: Financial load. LORELAI: That sounds bad. Michel: I could put in for overtime and I don't. ANN: Look, you need to get some of these burdens off you. For example, lunch. SOOKIE: What about lunch? ANN: Well, breakfast seems to be breaking even, and you're doing fine with dinner but, lunch? SOOKIE: What about lunch, Ann? ANN: You're hemorrhaging money at lunch. You have a full staff for a basically empty dining room. I think it might be a good idea to drop lunch until you get your occupancy rate up higher and - SOOKIE: Drop lunch, did she say drop lunch? LORELAI: Just until we get our occupancy rates up a little higher. ANN: A lot higher. SOOKIE: I don't understand. That's the only thing we can do? ANN: Well - SOOKIE: I mean, I just think it's extremely coincidental that the only thing we can do to save the inn is to get rid of lunch. LORELAI: Well, I'm sure it's not the only thing. SOOKIE: I mean, lunch is my thing. Why do we have to get rid of one of my things? Why can't we get rid of one of Michel's things? Michel: What things? I stand behind a desk and answer a phone. What of mine can you possibly get rid of? SOOKIE: The desk! Put the phone on the wall! Michel: What? SOOKIE: And write on your shoe, because he goes through a lot of paper. LORELAI: Okay! Ann, would you just, uh... SOOKIE: It's not fair! It's not fair that everybody else gets to keep their thing and I have to get rid of my lunch. LORELAI: Sookie, Ann's just trying to help. SOOKIE: Oh, Ann hates me. ANN: No, I don't! LORELAI: Okay, Ann, how would you like to go in the kitchen and get yourself a cup of coffee? ANN: I don't hate her. LORELAI: I know. Michel can you get Ann some coffee? Michel: Oh, absolutely. And then I'll go hang my phone on the wall. (He gets up to escort Ann to the kitchen.) Oh, I have to tell you, looking good is so important when you represent the face of the company. I mean, I am the first thing that a customer sees when they walk through that door. ANN: Your suits are not a deduction, Michel. (They leave.) LORELAI: What are you doing? SOOKIE: She's taking my lunches away. LORELAI: She's trying to help us. SOOKIE: This is all Norman Mailer's fault. He just sits around, ordering nothing and yammering on and on and on. I mean, so he was married to Marilyn Munroe. Who wasn't? LORELAI: That was Arthur Miller. SOOKIE: I'm going to kick him and pinch his nose. LORELAI: Hey, get a grip. Sookie, we're trying to launch a business here. SOOKIE: The restaurant is part of the business. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: And cutting out lunch is not the... LORELAI: Temporarily cutting out lunch. Temporarily. Just until things perk up, which they will, and when they do, the lunches will go back, just like before. Sookie? Okay? SOOKIE: Fine. (Gets up to leave.) LORELAI: Just give it time. SOOKIE: Mmhmm. LORELAI: And we're going to leave Mr. Mailer alone, right? 'Cause I don't care how old he is, he can take you. SOOKIE: I know. (She goes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Yale dorms: an unfamiliar common room.] LEN: So, we're booted up, and we're searching the network for other clients, right? And then you enter the album you want in this search field, right? Let's say, it's the new Interpol, you heard it? RORY: I think so. LEN: A little less joy divisioning this time, more Nick Cave got mugged by Paul Whiler with some Seventeen Seconds Eric Cura thrown in. But anyway, for better quality you choose the file with the highest bit rate. It's a trade off 'cause it's a bigger file size. The lower the bit rate, the smaller the file, but lower quality. Got that? RORY: Higher smaller, lower larger. LEN: Higher larger, lower smaller. Ooh, check this out. I can download a band's entire catalog with the push of a button. I'm gonna take down all twenty-two Chicago albums, boo-ya! There's Chicago One, Chicago Two, Chicago Three, Chicago Four... neat, huh? RORY: Yeah. Really neat. Len: Chicago nine, Chicago ten... I hate Chicago. Use a trombone, go to jail. But, my goal is to get it all, from Abba to Zappa. There's the Christmas album. RORY: Um. Okay, that's really fascinating stuff, but let me ask you, do you still buy CD's? LEN: Yeah. RORY: Mmhm. Anything to add to that? LEN: CD sales are up this year, you hear about that? RORY: Yes I did. LEN: Down last year, up this year. Weird. Oh cool. Here's a 1986 bootleg of Chicago Live at the Cumberland Civic Center at Portland and Maine, boo-ya! RORY: So, Len, tell me about when... er, ah... if... LEN: Yeah? RORY: Oh, I just, I lost my train of thought. LEN: I hate that. RORY: You know what, I think I'm going go get a cup of coffee. Coffee sounds good. I'll be back in a minute. LEN: I'll be here. (She leaves) [Yale dorms: Ladies washroom] (Rory splashes some water on her face and stands in the corner. A drunk girl wearing a ball gown and a plastic gorilla mask enters the washroom. She doesn't see Rory. She touches up her lipstick. She notices Rory.) Gorilla Girl: Oops! Didn't see you there. (Giggles) Shhh. (She leaves. Rory follows her.) [Yale dorms: Outside] (Gorilla Girl opens the door to a black SUV, Rory watches from the door) Gorilla Girl: In Omnia Paratus! (She jumps in, giggling. They drive away) [Outside Doose's market] (Lorelai walks out of the store wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a huge plate of nachos and an Icy. Her phone rings.) LORELAI: Oh boy. Okay, hold on. I get it, you're ringing. Howdy ma'am. (To a woman passing by as she sets down her food.) Hold on, hold on, hold on. (She answers.) Yes, hi, hello. CHRIS: Lor! LORELAI: Chris? CHRIS: I can't get her to stop. LORELAI: Stop what? CHRIS: Crying, screaming. She's not hot, there's no fever, and I can't get her to eat. LORELAI: We're talking about Gigi, right? CHRIS: Yes! LORELAI: Okay, 'cause, you know, Sherry's really thin, so I - (Gigi screams.) LORELAI: Are you sure she's not hot? CHRIS: No, I already checked. I don't know what to do. She's everywhere. She won't sit still, she keeps climbing out of her crib, she's moving really fast... LORELAI: Oh, Chris, honey, calm down. Where's Sherry? CHRIS: She's not here, she's out again. LORELAI: When is she getting home? CHRIS: I don't know what to do. I didn't know who to call, the nanny is not answering her pager, and Sherry's friends, they don't have kids or like kids, I just... LORELAI: I'll be right there. Ah, bye. (She hangs up and rushes off.) [Chris and Sherry's apartment] (Chris answers the door) CHRIS: I owe you so big. LORELAI: Wow, you look, uh, great. (Looks around) Huh. How long ago did Axl Rose leave? CHRIS: Yeah, the, uh, place is kind of a mess, I tried to clean up earlier but she keeps climbing out of the crib, if she's not climbing, she's screaming... I really don't know what to do here. I mean, I keep thinking she's hungry but she won't eat, and - (Gigi cries.) Oh, crap. There she goes again. C'mon, Gig, let's go back in the crib, huh? (Gigi screams again.) LORELAI: You tell him, girlfriend. CHRIS: She hasn't slept. She hasn't slept for days. LORELAI: I'm guessing that makes two of you. CHRIS: Yeah, well... C'mon, Gig, just a little sleep, huh? LORELAI: Um, Chris, where is Sherry? CHRIS: She's, uh, away. Oh, c'mon, seriously Gigi. Five hundred bucks if you stay in there for ten minutes. LORELAI: Hold out, kid, you've got him on the ropes now. CHRIS: She doesn't need your help. LORELAI: No, she doesn't. Just... come here. (She picks op Gigi) Hi! Oh, wow! I hear strained spinach is the new pink! (Hands her to Chris) CHRIS: It's okay... (Lorelai turns the crib toward the wall.) LORELAI: There you go. CHRIS: That's it? LORELAI: Yeah. CHRIS: You mean, she's going to stay in there? LORELAI: Yeah, until her hair grows long enough for the prince to shimmy up. (Puts Gigi back in the crib.) Come on. (They sit on the couch.) CHRIS: Oh, God, I am so sorry, Lor. LORELAI: Oh, for what? CHRIS: Well, I hardly ever call you, or Rory, but the minute I'm in trouble... LORELAI: Well, that's what we're here for. CHRIS: Yeah. Well, I've been traveling so much, and then I get home to this, and I didn't know what to do. I swear, I didn't know what to do. LORELAI: Chris. CHRIS: Yeah? LORELAI: Where is Sherry? CHRIS: Sherry is in Paris. LORELAI: Wow, lucky girl. When does she get back? CHRIS: She's not. LORELAI: She's... CHRIS: I got home from Seattle, and the nanny was here and she handed me a note. It said that Sherry had been offered a job in Paris and she had decided to take it. LORELAI: What? CHRIS: She said she had put her career on hold for almost two years. She said that I had been gone for most of that time, which, I guess is true, and she wasn't going to let this opportunity pass. She said it was my turn, she was sorry, but that she had to do this - for her. LORELAI: Wow. CHRIS: Yeah. LORELAI: I'm stunned. CHRIS: Pretty much my same reaction. LORELAI: But Gigi - she just takes off on Gigi?... Okay, well. You smell as good as you look. CHRIS: I haven't showered since Seattle. LORELAI: Really, well, I'm hot. Okay, um, how about this for a plan. You - go take a shower. And I will, um, order some food and start to clean up and then we'll - CHRIS: Hey, I can't do this. LORELAI: Do what? Shower? Oh, you've done it before. Just turn the water on, step in. Oh, no wait, remove clothes, then step in. CHRIS: I can't raise her. I cannot raise her all by myself. LORELAI: Yes you can. CHRIS: What makes you think so? LORELAI: Because you have to, Chris. She's your daughter, and you're going to find a way. I did. I did it with Rory. CHRIS: Oh, you're different. LORELAI: Yes, I was sixteen. CHRIS: No, you're different, I mean, you're special. You're stronger. You're like a superhero with red boots and a golden lasso. LORELAI: That was one Halloween, Christopher. CHRIS: I mean, you raised Rory all by yourself, you had no one to help you and you didn't look back. LORELAI: That's right. But if I had decided to bail on Rory and follow the Bangles around the world, which is what I planned to do when the Demerol kicked in, then you would've put on the red boots and golden lasso and you would have raised her and everything would have been fine. Except she wouldn't have introduced you to anyone, or let you go to the parent night at school 'cause you looked so freaky. CHRIS: I don't know. LORELAI: She is your daughter. CHRIS: And I don't even know her. I've been gone so much. LORELAI: Well, welcome home, babe. CHRIS: I don't want to screw this up, Lor. LORELAI: You're not going to. I know you can do this, Chris. CHRIS: You ever get tired of being my cheerleader? LORELAI: Hey, as long as I look cute in the skirt I'm good to go. CHRIS: Okay. Uh, I really need to shower. LORELAI: Yeah. I'll clear a path, and order some food? CHRIS: Yeah. No applesauce. LORELAI: You got it. CHRIS: So, you really think I can handle this? LORELAI: No doubt in my mind. (Gigi cries.) Go. I've got the crying. CHRIS: Hey, Lor? LORELAI: Yeah. CHRIS: I don't know what I do without you. LORELAI: Yeah, well, you're going to find out real soon if you don't - CHRIS: Take off clothes, get in shower, turn on water. I'm going. Lorelai (singing to Gigi): Just another manic Monday... [Yale newspaper office] DOYLE: Gellar! Do you see what I have here in my hand? PARIS: I'm busy, Doyle. DOYLE: Rabbi Baron says he's changed his number twice. PARIS: Oh, please. DOYLE: Father Callahan is threatening a restraining order. PARIS: If I had a nickel... DOYLE: And the honorable Muhammed Abdul Aziz says that you stole his flip-flops. PARIS: What a lie. He leaves them out in his hallway and I have told him a million times that people suck, and - DOYLE: Paris! PARIS: What? DOYLE: You have threatened, stalked and basically freaked out every religious leader within a hundred mile radius. This paper has never received so many complaints in the history of its existence. And how the hell did you get Jesse Jackson's barber's number? How? PARIS: Hey, you gave me this beat to find the story, not to cow-tow and make nice, and - DOYLE: Gellar! PARIS: What! DOYLE: Way to go. PARIS: Thanks. DOYLE: Don't you dare give back those flip-flops. PARIS: Not a chance, they fit perfectly. (Doyle walks away.) RORY: Hey, Doyle, I think I want to change my story. DOYLE: Yeah? RORY: Yeah. The downloading story was a dead end, there's nothing there. DOYLE: You're telling me. RORY: What? DOYLE: I got bored just hearing you pitch it. So what do you got now? RORY: Okay. Well, last night I was in one of the bathrooms over at Berkeley, and this girl came in, slightly toasted, and she was wearing a full on ball gown with one of those plastic gorilla masks. DOYLE: Huh. Not something you see every day. RORY: Exactly what I thought. So I followed her out to the parking lot, and she got in this fancy black SUV, and said "In Omnia Paratus", which means "Ready for anything". I know, I took Latin. DOYLE: Quel impressed. Continue RORY: All this seemed a little weird, but interesting weird, you know? So, I don't know. Maybe it's all this hanging out with a real newspaper man like yourself, but my antennae went up. I felt there was a story there. Did you catch the subtle sucking up? DOYLE: Caught it. Continue. RORY: So, I googled the phrase, not quite sure what I was looking for, but then I found this. See, it links the phrase with a club here at Yale. It's sort of a secret society kind of Skull and Bones kind of creepy group dating back to the 1800's. This phrase was their motto. Now, that alone, not that interesting. But here. Look. (Shows him a picture of people jumping off a bridge holding umbrellas, with the phrase In Omnia Paratus scrawled across the bottom.) DOYLE: (interested) Huh. RORY: I found this in a 1996 edition of the Yale Daily News. It's an article on whether or not this club actually exists. DOYLE: "The Life and Death Brigade." Yeah, I know these guys. RORY: Oh, you do? DOYLE: Well, I've heard of them. They're apparently even more elusive than the Skull and Bones crowd. 'Course they've never been linked to m*st*rb*t*ng in a coffin so I automatically like these guys better. RORY: Hm. Well, what do you know about them? DOYLE: Not much. Paper's tried to track them down before, and we've gotten a few leads, but no one's ever gotten close enough to confirm anything. We all know they exist, but, we don't know they exist. It's all just too-too. God I hate those stupid clubs. RORY: I want to do this story. I want to find this club, track them down, get on the inside. What do you think? DOYLE: Go with your gut. RORY: You said that about my downloading story. Hey, you don't trust my gut! [Elder Gilmore's house: outside.] (Lorelai is waiting by her Jeep for Rory to arrive.) LORELAI: Finally. RORY: What are you doing out here? LORELAI: Am I wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night? RORY: What? LORELAI: Halfway here I was struck by the overwhelming feeling that I wore this exact outfit to last Friday night, and there's no way I'm going in there to see my mother wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night because I may not remember but she sure as hell will. RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: You don't know? RORY: You don't remember but you expect me to? LORELAI: Well, you look at me more than I look at me; you sit across from me at dinner. You had more of a chance to imprint my ensemble in your brain. RORY: Sorry, no imprint. LORELAI: Oh, that hurts. RORY: Oh, I'm sure you don't remember what I was wearing. LORELAI: I most certainly do. RORY: Okay, what was I wearing? LORELAI: You were wearing a lovely and delicately understated, uh, outfit... well, you were definitely wearing these arms. RORY: Oh, way to imprint, lady. LORELAI: Stand I front of me, just in case. (Rings doorbell.) MAID: Hello. LORELAI: Hi, we should be on the guest list. Holstein and Liza are expecting us. (Maid looks confused.) LORELAI: Okay. Let's try it straight. Hi, we're here for dinner. I'm Lorelai the daughter, this is Rory the granddaughter. MAID: Oh! Okay, I'm sorry. Right this way. (They walk in.) [Elder Gilmore's house: inside] RORY: She's acting weird. LORELAI: She knows I'm wearing the same outfit as last week. RORY: She wasn't here last week. LORELAI: The world's small, maids talk. RORY: About you? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Oh. With all that's going on in the world, all the maids in existence are talking about you. LORELAI: Huh. 'Kay, now you're making me seem a little stuck up. MAID: Can I get you something to drink? LORELAI: Yes, a martini please. RORY: Coke, please. LORELAI: Oh, you know, maybe we should wait for my mother. Is she coming down soon? MAID: No. LORELAI: Oh. Okay. Do you know if she saw what I was wearing through the window? MAID: Mrs. Gilmore isn't here. LORELAI: She's not? RORY: Where is she? MAID: She's at a dinner for the Children's Hospital. LORELAI: Oh! So she's not going to be here at all tonight. MAID: No, I'm afraid not. RORY: Okay. Well then I guess we can just... LORELAI: You know, we'll just... go have dinner in the pool house with Dad. MAID: Oh. LORELAI: Oh? MAID: Mr. Gilmore is out of town. LORELAI: He is? MAID: 'Till Tuesday. LORELAI: Aha. We've officially become afterthoughts. MAID: Would you like me to make you two something for dinner? RORY: Um, well, since everyone's gone, maybe I'll just head back to school. I have a lot of work to do at the paper. LORELAI: Yeah. Okay. That would be one option, going back to school. However, another option would be staying here, ordering pizza, and eating dinner on the living room floor on paper plates. RORY: You're evil! LORELAI: Would you bring us a phone book, please? MAID: Right away. LORELAI: Get crazy! RORY: Okay! (They take off their shoes.) LORELAI: We have to really live it up. Carpe Diem, baby. RORY: I'm touching the rug with my feet! LORELAI: Ooh, you're perverse! RORY: Hey, and when she brings the drinks, let's not use coasters! LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if there's anything in here that we could un-alphabetize. RORY: [gasps] The rug is so soft! Oh, you would not believe! LORELAI: Gluing everything in this room to the ceiling so that it's in exactly the same place, but upside down, be going too far? RORY: A little. LORELAI: So, dish? RORY: Absolutely. LORELAI: Sherry left your dad. RORY: What? When? LORELAI: A couple of days ago. She got a job offer in Paris and she packed her tiny pants in a bag and bailed. RORY: What about Gigi? LORELAI: Left her with Chris. RORY: No way. LORELAI: Yeah. He came home, and the nanny handed him a letter. RORY: I can't believe this! How could she just leave like that? LORELAI: I have no idea. RORY: How do you know all this? LORELAI: He called me. RORY: When? LORELAI: Yesterday. He was freaking out because he couldn't stop Gigi from crawling out of her crib, and you know, I do have to hand it to him, he gets extra points for the very original duct taping of the diaper move. That place was a wreck. RORY: You went over there? LORELAI: Oh yeah. But I calmed him down, and, you know, we sort of got the place in order and I think everything's going to be okay. I'm going to go back on Monday and just make sure that everyone's still breathing. RORY: Oh. Well, that's very nice of you. LORELAI: Well, your dad is going to need a little help being... a dad. 'Cause, I mean... well he was your dad, so...no newsflash here. But you should see Gigi. She's huge, and gorgeous, and a belcher. (Laughs, Rory looks worried. Maid returns with a phone book.) Oh, great! Dinner is served. [Yale newspaper office] (Late at night. Rory is alone. She finds an article in an old newspaper; headline: 'Police Nab Members of "Secret Society" '. She looks closer at the caption and reads the name 'Elias Huntzberger'. She copies the name onto a Post-It note.) [Dragonfly Inn: Reception desk.] (Lorelai is displaying a brochure to a couple.) LORELAI: It's a beautiful one and a half mile hike, there's a waterfall around this bend here, and over here are some of the oldest birch trees in the area, a rare butterfly nature preserve is off to the right here - (her phone rings) Oh, excuse me. Michel, would you take over? Michel: Oh, yes. Of course. (She leaves.) Okay, so over here, by this semi-polluted brook, you will find large scary spiders and a fascinating display of poison ivy. [Dragonfly Inn: bottom of the staircase.] LORELAI: Luke, slow down! ... I can't come now, I'm working. He what? ...Okay, fine. I'm on my way. Yes, I'm running. My feet are going like a cartoon character, there are dust clouds behind me and the background keeps repeating itself. Bye! (Hangs up.) [Reception desk] Michel: ...which brings you to the rattlesnake curve, where people have actually died painful but very picturesque deaths. [Luke's Diner: Outside.] (Kirk is dressed as a hot dog, passing out flyers to passersby; Luke is glaring at him.) KIRK: Lunch at the Dragonfly! Get your lunch at the Dragonfly! You have not eaten lunch, till you have eaten lunch at the Dragonfly! LUKE: I mean it, Kirk, get away from here! KIRK: I am on the sidewalk, Luke! You do not own the sidewalk! The sidewalk is for the common people! The everyman! And every man and every woman would like to have a delicious lunch at the Dragonfly. LUKE: I'm going to call the cops. KIRK: Cops get free pie! With lunch at the Dragonfly! (Lorelai comes running up.) LORELAI: Uh, Kirk, what are you doing? You're a giant hot dog. KIRK: Technically I'm a giant wiener. The costume tag says "wiener". LUKE: Get him away from my diner. I mean it. KIRK: Don't you worry, Lorelai, I have no intention of abandoning my post, and I will not rest till every single person in Stars Hollow has tried lunch at the Dragonfly! LORELAI: Kirk, I don't understand this. KIRK: I'm trying to scrounge up a lunch crowd for you, so I figured I'd go where everybody already has lunch and get them over to you. And I'm doing a pretty good job, if I do say so myself! LORELAI: But who asked you - ugh. Boy. Okay. Luke, I'm very sorry, this won't happen again. Come on, Kirk. I'm sorry, but why a hot dog? The Dragonfly doesn't serve hot dogs. KIRK: Well, the kiesch made me look fat. LUKE: If I see him around here again... LORELAI: You won't. Let's go. (They walk away.) KIRK: This is as fast as I can go in this outfit. [Yale: courtyard] (Rory is leaning against a pillar, waiting for Logan to walk by.) Logan's friend: It was funny, man, you should have been there. RORY: Hey, Huntzberger! LOGAN: Hey! You waiting on me? RORY: Could be. LOGAN: Wow, I'm flattered. RORY: Your prerogative. LOGAN: You here on business or pleasure? RORY: I just thought maybe I'd give you a chance to respond to my article? LOGAN: What article? RORY: The article I'm doing on the Life and Death Brigade. LOGAN: Don't really know what you're talking about. RORY: You don't? Huh. I thought you would. It's a club. One of these super secret, super exclusive clubs here at Yale, membership spans a thousand centuries, secret handshakes and secret sayings, and a lot of running around in circles in your underwear, that kind of thing. LOGAN: Sounds pretty secret. RORY: Yeah. Anyhow, I'm doing sort of an expose on this one particular club and I figured, since you're in it, maybe you'd like to have your point of view included. LOGAN: I'm in it. RORY: Well aren't you? LOGAN: I've yet to run around in a circle in my underwear. RORY: Well. Okay. I mean, I have proof that your grandfather was in it, which means that your father was in it. Which should mean that you're in it. But maybe not. Okay. LOGAN: Sorry to let you down. RORY: No let down. It would have been nice, but I have plenty of stuff without you, and I'm sorry to have bothered you. LOGAN: You have plenty without me, huh? RORY: Oh yeah! I have the ball gowns, the girl in the gorilla mask, In Omnia Paratus - very fancy catch phrase, by the way - the license plate on the black SUV, and about a dozen other little things. I mean, getting an interview with an actual member would have been great. But I'm okay without it. LOGAN: Well, great. RORY: Yep. Plus I'm completely onto your routine now. LOGAN: Wow. RORY: Yeah. So I figure I'll just track you, and you'll eventually lead me there anyway. So, hey. I mean it would have been easier if you just would have talked to me now, but I can do it the other way if you want. LOGAN: The other way. RORY: Yes. LOGAN: You tracking me. RORY: Yes. LOGAN: Following my every move? RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: I pick that way. RORY: Okay, but - LOGAN: We can start right now, if you want. I'm heading back to my room, I can keep the window open in case you feel the need to sneak in, and track me from the inside. RORY: Thanks for the info. LOGAN: Absolutely. (Turns to leave.) And hey, good luck with that article. Sounds like a hell of a scoop. (Walks away.) [Dragonfly Inn: kitchen] LORELAI: Sookie. What was the first thing we agreed on when we opened the inn? SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Keep Kirk away from the business. Then I get a call from a not so jolly Luke and I run down there and find a giant hot dog handing out ten percent off flyers for lunch at the Dragonfly. SOOKIE: Who was the giant hot dog? LORELAI: Kirk was the giant hot dog. SOOKIE: I didn't tell him to dress like a giant hot dog. Why would he dress up like a giant hot dog? LORELAI: Because it's Kirk, Sookie - the giant hot dog suit was a given the minute you talked to Kirk. I don't understand what you were thinking. SOOKIE: I was thinking we need to drum up some lunch business. LORELAI: But, there is no lunch. SOOKIE: Since when? LORELAI: Since when? Sookie, we all agreed. Ann said. SOOKIE: I did not agree. I did not agree to stop serving lunch. LORELAI: Sookie, come on, it's the only thing we can do! We have to. You heard Ann, we can't afford this. Who's all this food for? SOOKIE: All we need is a little time, and the people are going to come. And I paid Kirk out of my own money, by the way, so you don't have to worry about that. LORELAI: I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about this. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: What are we going to do with all this food? Who's going to eat it? Why are there seven kitchen people working when the only person out there is Norman Mailer? SOOKIE: Hey, this is what I do! LORELAI: Sookie, we're dropping lunch. It's just temporary, but as of now, I'm sorry but it's gone. SOOKIE: Fine. No lunch. From now on there's no lunch! Everybody stop what you're doing, because as of now there's no more lunch! (She storms out.) [Dragonfly Inn: dining room] SOOKIE: Boys! Yeah! Sorry to break up the party, but as of now, there's no more lunch! Yeah! It's been cancelled. You happy, Norman Mailer? Huh? Lunch has been cancelled! That means no more iced tea, uh-uh! No more lemon slices! No more hanging out at a restaurant, ordering nothing because you're Norman Mailer and you can! I mean, that's just like me coming into a bookstore, reading your books, without buying them! Hey, can I borrow this? Huh? I'm not going to pay for it, nope. I'm just going to stand here and read! Ooh, yeah. Someone sure likes to use his big words. (Lorelai rushes in.) LORELAI: Can I get some more iced tea for the table? Excuse me, Mr. Mailer, I'm so terribly sorry. (She pushes Sookie back to the kitchen.) SOOKIE: Oh, yeah! Yeah! What? What? Ha ha. Yeah, write that down! [Dragonfly Inn: kitchen] LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: This is his fault! LORELAI: It is not his fault! SOOKIE: He takes up space! He drinks iced tea! He scares the other people off. LORELAI: Sookie, he does not! Why are you being so nutty about this? SOOKIE: I don't know! I don't know why I'm getting so nutty about this! I mean, I hear myself getting nutty and I know that there's no one coming for lunch! And I know that Norman Mailer is not responsible for no one coming for lunch! And I tell myself it's just temporary, and there's still dinner, and breakfast, and that's good, and I can do a lot with that, and I try to calm myself down and that just seems to only make me crazier and all I want to do is cry, and scream, and Oh! My God, I'm pregnant! Lorelai (gasps): You're pregnant? SOOKIE: Ooh, I'm pregnant! (They hug.) LORELAI: Oh, oh. (Sookie runs into dining room.) [Dragonfly Inn: dining room] SOOKIE: Norman Mailer! I'm pregnant! NORMAN MAILER: Congratulations. (She hugs him, giddy, and runs back to the kitchen.) [Yale newspaper office] (Rory looks up as Logan walks by.) Rory (to Paris): Hey, you okay? PARIS: Yeah. I think I had some bad host at one of the masses yesterday. (She walks away.) (Rory receives an instant message on her computer.) L > Hey Ace. I've got a proposition for you. (She looks around and sees Logan watching her. She replies.) R > Shoot. L > I'll help you with your article. Get you the inside scoop. You just have to agree to a few conditions. R > What conditions? L > The first condition is you have to agree before you know the conditions. (a beat) What do you say, Ace? You in or out? (She smiles, then replies) R > I'm in. (She looks up and Logan is gone.) [Luke's Diner: inside] LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Is the hot dog with you? LORELAI: No, Kirk is at home. LUKE: Good. Make sure he stays there. LORELAI: I will. So you still mad at me. LUKE: Nope. LORELAI: Seem mad. LUKE: I'm not mad, just bugged. LORELAI: Luke, I swear. Kirk will never bother your business on our behalf again. LUKE: Oh, it's not that. LORELAI: What then? LUKE: I've got this table of bozos sitting over there all day long ordering nothing but iced tea. (Lorelai peeks over her shoulder at Norman Mailer and the reporter.) STEPHEN: Why don't we focus on writing? NORMAN MAILER: You know, I knew you'd come up with a question like that, it's like, why don't you push my Cadillac for me. LORELAI: (Laughs) Aw, bummer. [Chris' apartment] (knock, knock, Chris answers.) CHRIS: Rory, hey! What are you doing here? I - uh, here. Hey, it's good to see you, kiddo! (Hugs her) Uh, come on in, sit down. Uh, Gigi is asleep, which is basically a miracle, but what the hell, for you I'll wake her up. RORY: No, that's okay. I can't stay long. CHRIS: Well, some sit down. RORY: No, I can't stay. CHRIS: Okay. RORY: I don't want you calling Mom anymore. CHRIS: What? RORY: I want you to stay away from her. CHRIS: Rory, I - RORY: Mom's in a relationship now, and she's doing really great. He's kind, and, well, he's there. And she's happy. CHRIS: I think that's great, Rory. I - RORY: You'll mess it up! You'll mess everything up! Because every time you come back, it always ends up the same way. Mom's crying and you're not being there and I know it's not your fault, I know you don't mean it to be that way, but that's how it is. CHRIS: I just needed some help. That's all. RORY: Well, next time you need help, call a nanny, or a babysitter, or call me. Just leave Mom alone. I'm sorry, I have to go. Kiss Gigi for me. (She leaves, Chris hangs his head.)

Plan: A: Doyle; Q: Who is jealous when Glenn's article gets picked up by the New York Times? A: Rory; Q: Who asks Christopher to stay away from Lorelai? A: a newspaper magnate; Q: What is Logan's father? A: a fierce campaign; Q: What does Paris wage to get the religion beat? A: an ecumenical approach; Q: What approach does Paris take to alienating the local clergy? A: her features assignment; Q: What does Rory need a story idea for? A: a secret Yale society; Q: What does Rory uncover? A: a member; Q: What is Logan to the secret society? A: Sookie; Q: Who is pregnant? A: the Inn's accountant; Q: Who suggests dropping lunch temporarily to save money? A: Norman Mailer; Q: Who stakes out a table in the dining room to work and give interviews? A: Friday; Q: What day of the week is it when Lorelai and Rory show up for dinner? A: pizza; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory order for dinner? A: Christopher; Q: Who calls Lorelai in a panic? A: Sherry; Q: Who decides to move to Paris? A: a colicky Gigi; Q: What is Gigi? A: Norman Mailers constant presence; Q: What does Sookie freak out about? Summary: Doyle is jealous when Glenn's article gets picked up by the New York Times; Rory discovers that Logan, the son of a newspaper magnate, is also on the staff of the paper; Paris wages a fierce campaign to get the religion beat, and takes an ecumenical approach to alienating the local clergy; desperate for a story idea for her features assignment after several concepts fail to pan out, Rory uncovers a secret Yale society which counts Logan as a member, and enlists his cooperation in getting a story on the group; Sookie becomes upset when the Inn's accountant suggests dropping lunch temporarily to save money and Norman Mailer stakes out a table in the dining room to work and give interviews, and refuses to order anything from the menu except iced tea; Lorelai and Rory show up for Friday night dinner, and when they discover that neither Emily nor Richard are home, decide to order pizza and eat on the living room floor; Christopher calls Lorelai in a panic when Sherry suddenly decides to move to Paris, leaving him unprepared to care for a colicky Gigi; and after freaking out completely over Norman Mailers constant presence Sookie realizes that her extreme emotions and sensitivity in the past days are the result of her being pregnant again. Rory asks Christopher to stay away from Lorelai.

[Scene: Capeside High Library. Andie is dragging Jen along with her through the rows of shelves until they come to the college book section.] Andie: But the way I got through it is to take it step by step. So, let's just take a step over to the college-bound reference section and start pulling down a few books. Jen: Yeah. Andie: Hey, you know what might be fun? Jen: Uh, what? Andie: Start focusing on schools that are in New York since it's your old hood. Jen: Oh, I don't know. I just spent 3 years trying to flush the big apple out of my system. Andie: Yeah, but haven't you recently decided you might wanna go back? Jen: Huh! Well, as you're so fond of pointing out, I--I haven't recently decided anything. Andie: Well, what about your rush to rejoin the gang at the, uh, haunt? Jen: Has drew been whispering in your ear? Andie: Well, actually, we did have a little confab at the yacht club last week. He was telling me all about you and your social set and how you guys used to spend all of your time at the haunt dancing and drinking until the wee hours of the morning. According to him, it was a non-stop ball of fun. Jen: Mm. Well, "according to him" would be the key phrase. He's the dark prince of revisionist history. [Jack comes running up to them finally finding them. He is carrying an envelope and is a little out of breath. He is a little excited although he tries to hide it.] Jack: I found you. Ok, I'm glad you're still here. Andie: Why? What's going on? Jack: Oh, nothing much, actually. It's just, uh-- well, there's this one thing-- uh, there's something waiting at the house for you all day, and, uh, actually, you know, it's not really that important. It's just a little letter from a know-nothing nor' eastern school. So, you know, you might wanna take a glance at it. It's from some place called, um, Harvard. [She drops the books she is holding and Jen manages to catch them.] Andie: Ohh! Harvard! Oh! Oh, my gosh, ok! Um, this is future in an envelope. Oh, god, or not! If it was a yes, it would be bigger, right? I mean, this is a case where size really does matter, right? Jen: Well, I think that size only matters when you have a full view of the entire package, really. [Andie doesn't react to this statement, but Jack smiles and nods approvingly.] Andie: So, I have to open it in order to find out. Jen: Uh-huh. Jack: Come on. They'd be fools not to take you. Andie: They would, wouldn't they? Jack: Will you open it? Andie: Ok. "Dear ms. Mcphee, "Harvard college is pleased to inform you "that your application for early action "for the fall of 2001 has been accepted, "and we are looking forward to having you as a member of the freshmen class." Jack: Yes! You're in, you're in! Jen: You're in! Andie: I'm in! Jack: Hey, congratulations! Andie: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Jack: Hey, everybody! My sister just got in to Harvard! [Students cheering] [Opening credits.] [Scene: The Local Record Store. Dawson is going through some CDs on the shelves, when Gretchen comes into the store. Seeing him, she grabs a CD off the new release section and brings it over to him.] Gretchen: If you're looking for something new and different, may I suggest Morcheeba? Dawson: Morcheeba. Gretchen: They're a little Herbie Hancock, a little Biz Markie, and just a touch of Poe tossed in for good measure. Dawson: Several more artists not currently represented in my CD collection. Gretchen: You've at least heard of them. Dawson: Uh... Gretchen: Oh, Dawson. [Someone comes by and passes Gretchen a flyer.] Heh heh! Thanks. Dawson: Is that a party invite? Gretchen: Oh, not just a party, a rave. Dawson: A rave in Capeside. Well, I guess even suburban, rhythm-impaired youths need an outlet, right? Gretchen: Sure. Hey, it does a body good to just let loose once in a while. Besides, raves aren't just an outlet for dancing. They're sort of a declaration of independence. Dawson: Yeah, right up there with the Boston tea party. Gretchen: Hey, every generation has its rebel subculture experience, and this is ours. You know, our attempt to define who and what we are and to make a statement about how we're gonna live our lives. Dawson: And our statement is that we can keep tedium at bay by wearing glitter and jumping around to techno pop? Gretchen: It's called fun. And I think you need to come with me and check it out. Dawson: To a rave? Not really my scene. Gretchen: Well, I'm guessing you haven't actually been to one, so how would you know? Dawson: Instinct, you know? I've never been two-stepping either, but somehow I know better than to run out and buy a pair of cowboy boots. Gretchen: Yeah, well, two-stepping isn't all the rage with the nation's youth. But, if you were so inclined, I would love to intro you to something that— Dawson: is completely foreign to everything I've ever known in my entire life. Gretchen: Ok, well, consider it one of the terms and conditions of our new friend agreement. You know? "Must challenge and expose other party "to experiences he or she would otherwise not indulge in." Dawson: Does this agreement have a rain check clause? Gretchen: Yes, but just this once. Dawson: Ok, I promise I'll take you up on it next time, if and when I'm ready for you to see how insufferably uncool I can be. Gretchen: Oh! You don't give yourself enough credit. I mean, at worst, you're just mildly uncool. Dawson: Well, thank you. Gretchen: Will you at least give this disc a try? Dawson: Yeah. Right now? Gretchen: Mm-hmm. Come on. Dawson: Ok. [Scene: Outside the Records Store. Joey and Pacey are walking up the walk, talking and joking with one another.] Pacey: This town is sorely lacking in post-meridian activities. Joey: We could always do a Bonnie and Clyde. Pacey: What, like, hit a bank and go on the lam? Joey: Well, it's a practical solution to 2 of our biggest problems, you know-- money and boredom. Pacey: Yeah, that's good, actually. You know, we can get ourselves one of those big honking sedans. I can get myself a fedora. You can get yourself one of those Kodak box cameras. Then we just head out across the heartland. You know, thumb our nose at authorities, stopping occasionally, I guess, to take cute pictures of the loving gangster couple. [Joey looks into the Record Store window and sees Gretchen and Dawson listening to music together in one of the booths.] Pacey: Do you wanna burn some time spinning some discs? Joey: Oh, nah, not right now. Come on. [Scene: Andie's Bedroom. Andie, Jack, and Mr. Mcphee are there. Mr. Mcphee is putting his old Harvard sweater on Andie and looking very proud.] Mr. Mcphee: My father gave that to me the summer I got in. And I've been saving it, hoping for this moment. You look perfect in it. Andie: Daddy, I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. Jack: [New England accent] you know, Andie, wearing the crimson signifies excellence. In fact, I remember when the boys and I first got to the yard— Mr. Mcphee: [laughing] you think this is exciting? You wait till the course book arrives. We're gonna see if some of the old war horses are lecturing this fall. And then, you know, there's a summer session— Jack: Dad! Mr. Mcphee: All right, all right, I'm getting ahead of myself. It-it's just-- this is the greatest moment of your life, Andie. I have never been more proud of you than I am right now. \ Jack: Well, just remember I want that same speech when I get into clown college. [All laugh] Mr. Mcphee: all right, you have to excuse me. I have a phone book full of calls to make to some of my fellow alum. Heh heh! [He Leaves.] Jack: Ohh. It's a big sweater to fill, huh? Well, don't let him get to you, but don't freak yourself out, either. Andie: I'm not freaked out. I'm not anything. In a way, I wish I were. You heard him. This is supposed to be the greatest moment of my life. You know, I mean, I should feel amazing or happy or something. Jack: You're telling me you don't feel anything? Andie: No. One big fat empty. It's probably just the medication, you know. It keeps me from feeling the lows, but the side effect is it keeps me from feeling the highs, too. But you don't have to worry about me. I'm sure I'll be bouncing off the walls in a few days. Jack: Uh, I totally forgot. Speaking of bouncing off the walls, I got this e-mail invite. There's a rave going on tonight. What better way to celebrate? Right? You just got into Harvard. I think you deserve a night of wild, reckless abandon. What do you say? [Scene: The School Computer Lab. Jen is sitting at one of the computers and researching some colleges in New York, when she receives an email invitation to the Rave from Drue, who is sitting at a computer behind her.] Jen: Ahem. Drue, one more time and I'm gonna feel compelled to accidentally smash your fingers in the doorjamb. Drue: Come on. Think back to your halcyon heyday. You were the uber-raver. Your love for the scene was world-renowned. Jen: Hmm-hmm! Another part of my reputation I was really proud of. Drue: You, my dear, are a pod person. The Jen I once knew thrived on that reputation. She personified fun. That Jen is M.I.A. Heh! College seeker.Net? Oh, come on, Jen. How bottom of the ninth is it? Jen: Oh, it's coming back to me. Yeah, I remember why my skin crawls every time you're around me. Drue: Your skin crawls because I remind you of what you're missing. Come on, Jen, face it. You need stimuli. Too long without it and the little voices inside start to ask for it. And you've been here for a while, and I bet your little voices are screaming. Oh, by the by, uh, that night I went back for the, uh, ecstasy I gave you-- it's a funny thing. Both you and it were gone. Now, I know where you are— Jen: you're such a b*st*rd. Drue: You know, it's not surprising to me that you wavered. I mean, here it is, fall quarter, senior year, and you still don't know what you wanna do with your life, where you wanna go, who you wanna be, it would sure be nice to escape those questions for a little while, wouldn't it? Jen: Drue, I'm no longer 14 and naive. And if you're gonna try and convince me to screw up my life again, you're gonna have to do a hell of a lot better than that. Drue: Ok. How's this? You're afraid that if you admit to yourself how much you loved feeling good, you'd have to admit that you wanna feel that good again. If you're gonna take one, tonight's the perfect night. [Scene: The Leery House. Dawson walks into the Dinning room to find some balloons on the table one saying “Congratulations”, he turns to see his parents dancing with one another.] Dawson: "Congratulations"? Did, uh, publisher's clearing house stop by today? Gale: Oh, Dawson, no, uh, honey, I thought you were going to be working at the restaurant tonight. Dawson: It was a little slow. They said they didn't need me. Mitch: Well, we're glad you're here because, um, we have something to tell you. Dawson: Ok. Gale: Uh, we have spent a lot of time thinking about this. And, uh, despite all the logical reasons why we shouldn't, our, uh, hearts say that we should have this baby. [All laughing, they hug each other.] Dawson: I'm so happy for you, this is-- this is amazing. Mitch: This is really how you feel, huh? Dawson: Yes, absolutely, completely. But... Wow! Gale: Yeah. Wow! Mitch: Wow. Gale: Oh, honey, we were just gonna sit down and have dinner. Let me get you a plate. Dawson: Uh, you know what? Don't worry about it. I already ate, and, uh, there's this thing I was invited to, so think I'm gonna go upstairs, change, and then I will be out of your hair. You guys have a good night. Mitch: You know what I love about that kid? Gale: Everything. Mitch: Yeah, well, that and... He can totally take a hint. [Scene: Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Joey is sitting in front of a mirror fixing her hair, while Gretchen is getting ready herself. Pacey is standing in the Kitchen just watching them.] Gretchen: I've been to at least a dozen raves, and they've all been great. Joey: Oh, yeah. Hundreds of sweaty strangers packed together, being blasted with potentially ear-damaging decibels? Oh, sounds great. Gretchen: Ha! Hey, I thought you were gonna give this a chance. Joey: I am. I'm actually really excited to check out this new revolution. Pacey: No. Aren't raves just like high school dances, but 10 times longer? Gretchen: Oh, I used to love high school dances. Pacey: Well, duh, you were the queen of every one you ever went to. Gretchen: Well, duh! Why do you think I loved them? Hey, if you don't wanna come, we are totally fine leaving you here. Pacey: Did I say I didn't wanna come? All of a sudden, I'm starting to see the upside here. Gretchen: Good! [Knock on door] Gretchen: Dawson? Whoa. You actually decided to come. Dawson: Uh, yeah. I'm cashing in my rain check. Gretchen: Come in. Hey, guys, look who's joining us. Dawson: Heh. All right. The Mitch mobile is gassed and ready to go. Who's coming? Joey: Let's go, pace. [Scene: Jen's Bedroom. Andie and Jen are there, and Jen is looking around for a map, through her school bag.] Andie: We're gonna be late picking up jack. His meeting ends by 10:00. Jen: I know, I know. I just-- I gotta find directions to the map point. Andie: What's a map point? Jen: Um, it's, uh, it's like a buffer zone for undesirables. If they don't like the way that you look, you might not get directions to the actual location. Andie: But--but how do you know if you're undesirable? Jen: Andie, it's a rave on the outer banks of civilization. Anybody who shows up with money is desirable. Oh, there we go. Don't worry. Andie: Heh! Jen: Within an hour, you will be grooving to the point of exhaustion with the Capeside version of its disenfranchised youth. Andie: Are you sure you wanna go, because I'm starting to feel really guilty about twisting your arm, and if you don't wanna go, I totally understand. Jen: Mm-mmm. No, no, I want to celebrate with you. Andie: Good, because I think we're gonna have so much fun, and I think that is exactly what we need-- is to have fun. But first, the facilities. [She goes to the bathroom and Jen goes over to her dresser. Jen opens the top drawer and digs around and pulls out the box of Ecstasy that Drue gave her. She opens the box and puts the pills in her hand and is looking at them when Andie comes into her room.] Andie: figured while I'm in there, I might as well slap on a little bit of that lip-- ahem. Are those some kind of pills? Jen: Yeah. Um, some kind of pills. Andie: We're not talking aspirin, are we? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Driving to the Map Point. The Mitch Mobile is going along the road. Gretchen and Dawson are sitting in the front seats, and Pacey and Joey are in the back seat.] Gretchen: You know what just went through my mind? That fourth of July in Cohasset. That was the last time all of us were in a car together. God, you guys were such babies. How old were you, Pacey? Pacey: I don't know, I don't remember. Dawson: We were 11. You were 14. Gretchen: And you were wearing something red. Is it possible that I remember that? Dawson: Unfortunately, yeah. [Gretchen and Dawson laughing] [Scene: The Park along the water line. Andie and Jen are walking along the waterfront and walk over to the swing set.] Andie: ecstasy, wow! So have you done a lot of it? Jen: Yeah, in New York. I never went to a rave without it, and I went to a lot of raves. Andie: Mm-hmm! So you must've liked what it did for you. I mean, otherwise, you wouldn't have kept taking it, right? Jen: Well, yeah, I mean-- first few times, it's amazing. It's hard not to love the x-effect. Andie: Which is what, exactly? Jen: Whew. Heh! What's with all the questions? Andie: I'm just curious. You know, a way to pass the time until jack gets out of that never-ending meeting. Jen: All right. Um, god. The first time you do X, it's really good. You get this feeling of loving everybody and everything, and everybody loves you and... That can be really powerful. X just made me happy. It just... Provided a pleasant vacation from my usual spot under the bell jar. Andie: So x makes you happy? Jen: Heh heh! Mmm, all kinds of wonderful. Andie: That doesn't sound so bad. Jen: Yeah, it's not at first. See, it lasts about 6 hours and then it's gone. And afterward, ironically, you're more depressed than when you started. The bad thing, like with any drug, it makes you lose your inhibitions. That's why I stopped. I just-- I just didn't know who I was anymore. Andie: Can I see it? Come on, I'm just, you know, I'm curious. I wanna see what they look like. Jen: Heh! Andie, you're way too interested. [He hands her the box] Andie: I'm just interested in feeling happy. Jen: Wait a minute. Didn't you just get in to Harvard? Andie: Yep. And one would think that finally getting the one thing that you wanted your entire life, you'd experience one moment of sheer joy, but— Jen: no moment? You wanna talk about what you are feeling? Andie: Nope. Because that's all I ever do is talk and talk. Tonight, I just wanna have fun. I wanna leave my problems behind in a little field and pick them up tomorrow. I don't know. I-- I'm sure it's just some kind of weird delayed reaction thing, and I'm gonna feel happy soon. Yeah. It's just— Jen: you will. [Jen holds her hand out for the box, but at that moment Jack walks up to them, and she quickly pulls her hand back, and Andie hides the box.] Jack: Oh, my god. Insufferable. I cannot wait to dance this soccer stuff right out of my head! What, did I, uh, interrupt something? Andie: No. Uh, just girl talk. Jack: Mm-hmm. Well, I'm glad you stopped when I got here. Shall we, uh, vamanos? Andie: Yeah. [Jen tries to get the box back, but Andie puts it in her back pocket.] [Scene: The Map Point. They finally arrive, to find it a driveway to an dark area, that is blocked off by a chain. They will have to walk the rest of the way.] Dawson: Could they make this any creepier? Gretchen: I'll be your map point buddy. Come on. [Gretchen and Dawson get out of the car.] Pacey: When did they become going-out-together buddies? Joey: I believe this is the inaugural event. Pacey: So, then of all the guys in Capeside that wanna befriend her, she picks Dawson. That doesn't bother you at all? Joey: Pace, he's the only person close to her age working at the restaurant. Makes perfect sense that they'd become friends. Pacey: No. I asked if it bothered you. Joey: No. It doesn't bother me. Pacey: Tsk! It bothers you. Joey: Heh! No, it doesn't bother me. It— bothers you. You just want it to bother me, too. Pacey: So then what's bothering you? Joey: You. [Laughs] [Scene: The Map Point. Dawson and Gretchen come walking up to a guy standing alone on the drive.] Guy: Now, why are you here? Gretchen: To have a great night? Guy: Exactly! Right on! All right, um, 5 bucks a body. Dawson: We'll take 4. Guy: Follow the yellow brick road. Gretchen: Now that I have you alone, tell me, is it just a front, or are you really ok with the Joey-Pacey component of the evening? Dawson: Uh, it's a little awkward, I'm not gonna lie, but you know what? I'm in too good of a mood to let it bother me. Gretchen: Is that why you changed your mind? Dawson: Uh...Yeah. Actually, um, my parents decided to have the baby. Gretchen: Wow! Oh, Dawson, that's incredible. Dawson: Good, good. I wanted to tell you right away, but in light of-- you know, I--I didn't wanna ruin the evening. Gretchen: Oh, no. No, you can absolutely talk to me about this. You have to. Dawson: Ok. Good, because I--I-- I really wanted to share it with somebody, and-- I am so excited about this. Gretchen: As you should be. I mean, hey, as irritating as they are, younger siblings do have their pluses. You know, they're good for doing chores, and there's always someone to blame if anything gets broken. [Both laugh] Dawson: um, thank you. For sharing what you went through. It really helped me understand what my parents were going through from the right perspective. Gretchen: Yeah, well, if there's anything I'm good for, it's a little attitude adjustment. [Scene: The Rave Parking lot. Andie, Jack, and Jen pull in to park. Jack gets out of the car first, kind of excited.] Jack: Heh heh heh! Come on! Aw, man, this is awesome! Rave time has arrived! Jen: Hey, Andie, um, were we done back there at the park? Andie: Totally done. Jen: All right. So, you're ok? Andie: I am so ok. Actually, I feel really great. Jen: Well, why don't you give me back the X? Jack won't see. Andie: Um, Jen? Don't be mad, but I sort of took one. Jen: Andie, no. W-when? Andie: Well, before we got back to the car, I just decided-- you know, carpe diem. Jen: Andie, no, this is so not good for you. Andie: But you said it was amazing the first few times. And I think I've earned an amazing night, right? I'll pay you back. I mean, whatever it cost. Is it a lot? Jen: No, Andie, I don't care about the money. I care about you. Andie: That's so sweet, Jen. But I told you, I'm feeling fine. Um, look, can we not tell jack about this? Because I don't think he'd approve. Jen: Yeah. Andie: Ok, come on. [Scene: The entrance of the Rave. Gretchen, Dawson, Joey and Pacey walk up to find Drue standing there.] Drue: Ha ha! Right on! You guys are so not the squares I thought you were. Hi there. We haven't met. Andie: I don't have a problem with that. Drue: Ho ho ho! Ooh! Ouch! [Joey and Pacey are hugging, and She laughs at Drue's discomfort.] Joey: Somebody's out celebrating. Andie: Yep! Gretchen: What are we celebrating? Joey: Andie got into Harvard. Drue: Which explains your sudden, desperate need to focus on your future. Jen: I really don't need you tonight. Pacey: You did it, just like you always said you would. [He hugs Andie.] Drue: Wow, Potter. How cool are you? You don't mind that lasted just a split second longer then the ex-guidelines allow? Gretchen: Who is that guy? Dawson: Did you ever meet Abby Morgan? [Scene: Inside the Rave. They all enter. Dawson and Gretchen go off together. Pacey and Joey, Andie, Jack and Jen are following after them.] Andie: Wow, Jen! This place is so beautiful! [Techno music playing] [Gretchen and Dawson Walk off. Gretchen starts dancing and walking at the same time.] Gretchen: Wow. Whoo! Jen: Ok, um, Andie, petting Joey? Not a good way to maintain a low profile. I want you to enjoy this, but you're gonna have to try and maintain, especially around the people that you're gonna see come Monday morning. Andie: I'm ok, Jen, really! You don't have to worry about me. I'm feeling fine. Jen: I'm sure you are. Listen, Andie, I really wanna keep an eye on you tonight, so you're gonna have to work with me and stick by me. Andie: You're the best, Jen! [Giggles] ooh! I never knew your hair was so soft. Jen: Ok, Andie. Again, not in the realm of maintaining. You've gotta try harder for me, please? Jack: There are wild people everywhere. This is exactly the kind of reckless abandonment you need. Drue: Which of you Mcphees is going to dance? Andie: Me! I wanna! Drue: Right on, sister. Come on this way. Jen: Um, do me a big favor? I want you to keep an eye on Drue and Andie for me, all right? Jack: Why? Jen: Just trust me. He's not the kind of guy that you leave your sister with. [Commercial Break.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside the Rave. Joey and Gretchen are at one of the bars talking to one another.] Gretchen: I'm sorry about the Dawson snafu. When I invited him, he said no. It didn't even occur to me that he would change his mind. Joey: That's ok. I'm-- I'm kind of glad that we all ended up together. I mean, accidental or not, things have been getting better. Slowly. Gretchen: I'm glad to hear that. The three of you have so much history. And Dawson's such a great guy. Joey: Speaking of Dawson, um, and I know this is none of my business, is there possibly, even in the vaguest way, um, well, something happening with you and Dawson? Gretchen: Heh heh! Where exactly did that come from? Joey: Well, obviously you're aware of his incredibly infamous crush on you. Gretchen: Yeah, the one that ended when he was, like, 12. Joey: Well, um, you see, Gretchen, um, Dawson has this, um, way of hanging on to things since he was, like, 12. You know, I mean, sure he outgrows them, puts them in their proper perspective, but that doesn't always mean that they're gone. Sometimes I think they're just waiting around for the right moment to come out again and... Well, maybe if he thinks there's the slightest chance— Gretchen: You know what I think? If Dawson is waiting for some childhood crush to come around again, he's not waiting on me. [Scene: Inside the Rave. Drue and Andie are dancing together.] Drue: Andie Mcphee, you are so high. Andie: Me?! No, I'm not. Drue: Yeah. Really? [He strokes her neck and she totally enjoys it.] Yeah, feels good, don't it? Andie: No, shh! I'm supposed to be maintaining. Nobody knows except Jen, and she's gonna make sure I'm ok tonight. Drue: Yeah, Andie, look. Honey, take my word for this, ok? I am a far, far better guide through the looking glass then Jen Lindley could ever be. Ok? Come on, ivy league, let's have fun. [Scene: Outside the Rave. Pacey is sitting on a couch outside, when Joey comes out finally finding him, and walks over to join him.] Joey: You know you're violating the sacred buddy system. No one ventures out alone, remember? Pacey: Yeah, well, I would've stayed in there, but I was really intimidated by all the intricate steps necessary to enjoy the most tuneless music known to man. Joey: I, too, felt a little out of place, you know, not having dressed in what could only be described as an homage to Japanese animation. Pacey: So, why are we here? Joey: We're trying something new. Pacey: Yeah, which only really serves to let me know how much I enjoyed the old. Joey: Hmm! Me, too. But I am glad we came. I mean, if nothing else, to witness the wasted youth of America firsthand. Pacey: And it ain't pretty. But you, Madame, most certainly are. Mmm! Mmm! [They Kiss] Joey: Heh heh heh! Remember how we used to play barnacle for your thoughts? Pacey: Yes. Joey: Well, I don't exactly have a barnacle on me, but I could offer you this lovely glow necklace. Pacey: Oh, which I would gladly accept. [He puts it on his head.] Joey: Oh! Gives you that whole Caesar look again. So, I did my part, and I think now you're supposed to tell me something deep and profound. Pacey: You wanna hear something deep and profound, huh? I miss true love, Joey. I mean, right now, sitting under the stars, my arm around you, let me tell you... I miss true love something fierce. Joey: I miss her, too, Pacey. Hmm. [Scene: Inside the Rave. Dawson finds Gretchen as she is walking down the stairs. She is deep in thought when he comes up carrying a glow necklace.] Dawson: Hey. Glow necklace? All the cool kids seem to be wearing them. No? If you don't like the color, I'd be more than happy to exchange it. They've got others. Gretchen: No, it's great. Thanks. Dawson: Is something wrong? Gretchen: Ok. There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna put it out there. Is it possible, even in the vaguest way, that you're here because you think there's a chance something might be happening between us? Dawson: I think there is something happening between us. It's called friendship. Gretchen: And that's all you expect? Dawson: Did I do something to make you think I expected more? Gretchen: No. No, sorry. This is so out of the blue, I feel ridiculous that I even mentioned it. Dawson: Don't feel ridiculous. It's no secret that at one point in my life I would have killed for you to even acknowledge that I was in a room, let alone hang out with you. But, uh... I don't think that's where either one of us are at right now. Gretchen: So where are we at? Dawson: Um... Well... When that boat sailed last summer, I didn't just lose Joey. I lost my 2 best friends. But, you know, you move on, and... And if you're lucky, you make new friends like you. You're easy to talk to. You give really good advice. But, uh... I don't expect anything, you know? It's just the opposite, really. It's just... God, it's really nice to just be in the present with somebody. Gretchen: Ok. Ok? Dance or bounce? Dawson: Bounce? [Laughing] [Scene: Inside the Rave. Pacey and Joey walk in to find Drue and Andie. Andie goes up and hugs Pacey.] Andie: oh, my god! Hi! It's you guys! I love you guys! Mmm! Drue: [Chuckling] she's feeling the love. Joey: Apparently. [Giggling] yeah, Andie, I think you've done enough hugging tonight. Andie: I just wanted to show you guys how much I love you both. You guys are so good together! And, Joey, you are so nice! Well, except for the time when you dumped Dawson for Pacey. That was pretty cold. But, really, who can blame you? I mean, it's Pacey. [Giggles] I pretend not to care, but I have to admit, pace, you are the love of my life, and I am so not over you! I hope it's ok that I said that. I mean, we're all really good friends, so it shouldn't be that big of a secret, right? Joey: It's news to me, Andie. Andie: You totally don't have to worry. Pacey is so over me and such the faithful type. If only I had been-- maybe we'd still be together. Pacey: Andie, are you feeling ok? Andie: Oh, yeah. [Laughs] I feel great. And I just got into Harvard! Oh! We're gonna go bounce. Come with us! It'll be fun. Come on! Pacey: No. You guys go ahead. Andie: Ok! Ok. Let's go! [Giggles] [Scene: Inside the Rave. Jack is dancing with 2 girls when Jen comes up finally finding him.] Jen: jack. Jack! Jack! Jack: What, what? Jen: Hey. Hey, where'd everybody go? Jack: Jen, I want you to meet Holly and Liz. Jen: Right. Hi. Listen, can you just point me to where Andie went, general direction? Jack: I don't know. I lost track of her when I started hanging out with these guys. I don't know where they went. Jen: I asked you to do one thing-- one little thing. Jack: I don't know. Jen: Come on, we're gonna go find her. Jack: I--[grumbles] see you guys later. [He is dragged away by Jen.] Hey, what, uh, what is with you? I thought you were like this major Raver. All you seem to be doing is monitoring Andie. Jen: I'm just making sure she's all right. Jack: Why wouldn't she be? Jen: Let's just find her. [Scene: A large Moon Walk at the Rave. Dawson and Gretchen are bouncing around in it together, when They finally fall over. ] Dawson: Ha ha ha. Gretchen: Whoa! Dawson: Whoa! [Dawson landing on top of Gretchen.] Gretchen: Hey, this is a no-parking zone, buddy. Move it. Dawson: Here. [Dawson gets up and helps her up. Drue and Andie comes up to join them.] Andie: Hey, you guys, can we come bounce? Dawson: Yeah. Plenty of room. Andie: Thanks! Whoo hoo hoo! Hi there. Wow, this is so much fun! It's like a big gang bounce! I'm having so much fun with Drue and you and Dawson! [They all bounce around. Andie stops bouncing for a minute, because the lights, noise, and everything is starting to get to her. She start to wobble around, and Dawson notices her.] Dawson: You ok? You don't look so good, Andie. Andie: I'm getting a little bit of a headache. Let's sit this one out. Drue? Dawson: Rest for a minute. You'll be fine. Andie: Dawson, I'm not feeling so— [Andie Collapses in Dawson's Arms.] Dawson: Andie? You all right? Andie? [Jack and Jen come up and see Andie, and Jack runs over to her.] Jack: God. Andie--Andie! Dawson, what happened? Dawson: I don't know. She just collapsed. Jack: Andie, come on! Wake up! Please don't do this! Come on! Please don't do this, Andie! Somebody help us! Andie! Come on! Come on, wake up. Wake up. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A special section at the Rave. There are several cots lying around with sever people laying in them. Jack comes in carrying Andie and lies her down on one of them. Jen, Dawson, Gretchen, Pacey and Joey come in after them.] Jack: We need some help here. It's my sister. We were in the moon bounce, and she just collapsed. Paramedic: What's she on? Jack: Uh, an antidepressant, Nardil, I think. Paramedic: No. What is she on? Jen: X. She took a tab of ecstasy. Paramedic: With Nardil? How bad is it? Paramedic2: Temp's 103. Bp 190 over 110. Paramedic: We gotta get her to the hospital like 10 minutes ago. On my count. 1, 2, 3. [They carry her out to the Ambulance. They all follow, and Jack walking next to her the whole way.] Paramedic: If anyone's gonna ride, get in. Jack: Yeah, that's me. Jen: Jack— Jack: not now, Jen. Jen: Please let me come with you. Jack: I think you've done enough for tonight. Jen: No, you don't understand. I didn't know she was on her medication. I— Jack: what does it matter? You gave my sister drugs, Jen! Should be you in this ambulance. [The ambulance leaves and Dawson walks up to Jen.] Dawson: Do you, uh... You need a ride to the hospital? Jen: No. No, I should probably just go home. Dawson: Ok. [He turns to the others.] Let's go, guys. [Drue walks up to Jen.] Drue: How is she? Jen: Not good. Really not good. Drue: Come on. I'll take you home. [Scene: Outside Jen's House. Jen and Drue are walking up to her porch talking to each other.] Jen: At the park, all the warning signs were there. I don't know why I didn't see it. Drue: She took the stuff. It's not your fault. Jen: Drue, I practically stamped a-m-a approved on it. I should have known better. I mean, forget her medication, she could have gone down for any number of reasons, and it still would have been my fault. Drue: Andie is responsible for her own choices, even her bad ones. Why are you so interested in playing the martyr here? Jen: Does nothing faze you? Andie's my friend, and she's in the hospital right now because of something she got from me, and you don't think that I should feel bad? Drue: You want something to feel bad about? How about the way your "friends" iced you? Jen: I hate... I hate the way you twist everything. Drue: Hate it all you want. The truth still is, no matter what Andie tells them, Monday at school they're gonna treat you like this is your fault. You came here the banished bad seed, Jen. That's all you'll ever be to them. You know what? They want you to play that role so that they can feel better about the pathetic, plastic, Mayberry existence they're living. Jen: And I thought that I was damaged. Drue: You are. So am I. And that's why we need each other. We're coming from the same place here, Jen. Jen: No, Drue. We came from the same place, but now we're miles apart, and I intend to keep it that way. I'm gonna call my friend and see how she's doing. [Scene: In the Hospital outside Andie's Room. Jack walks out to join Dawson, Gretchen, Joey and Pacey sitting outside the door.] Jack: You get him? Dawson: Taken care of. Jack: Thanks. Gretchen: How's Andie? Jack: Uh...She's, uh, she's stable now. They said that she went into some kind of hypertensive crisis. See, Andie's on this older type of antidepressant, and it turns out it's, you know, it's a time bomb when it's mixed with the wrong thing. So, uh... In a way I guess, uh, we're pretty lucky the way things turned out, that she didn't, um... God, she could have died. They want to, um, they want to keep her overnight, so...I know she appreciates you guys being here and everything, but... I don't think she's in the mood for visitors right now. So maybe you should just go home, give her a call tomorrow, see how she's feeling. Gretchen: You're right. I'm sure she needs her rest. I think we do, too. Jack: Yeah. So...I'll see you guys tomorrow. [Jack walks back into the room.] Gretchen: Are you ok, pace? Pacey: No. No. I should have known that something was wrong. I mean, I knew. I just didn't know how bad it was. Dawson: Even if you had realized, there's nothing you could have done. Joey: Yeah. Pacey: I think I want to stay here tonight... If that's ok. Joey: Completely. You want company? [She hugs him.] Pacey: No, I'll just give you a call when I get home, ok? Joey: Here. In case you need something to rest on. [She hands him her Jacket.] [Scene: Gretchen and Pacey's place. Gretchen and Dawson walk up to the porch stopping before getting to the door.] Gretchen: Not exactly the evening I had in mind when I invited you. Dawson: Well, I don't think anybody had this evening in mind. But, uh... I'm glad I went. Gretchen: Me, too. Dawson: So, uh... Good night. See you at work. Gretchen: All right. Dawson. Dawson: Yeah? Gretchen: Your friendship means a lot to me, too. Coming back here has been really hard, and somehow you've made the transition a lot more enjoyable than I ever thought it could be. Dawson: Good. That's what friends are for. Gretchen: Well, good night. Dawson: Good night. [Scene: Standing in front of the Mitch Mobile. Joey is standing there when Dawson comes walking back.] Dawson: Weird night, huh? Joey: Yeah. I'm not even tired. Dawson: How 'bout hungry? [They hop in the car.] [Scene: The hospital room. Mr. Mcphee and Jack are sitting on either side of Andie's bed.] Andie: I'm sorry, daddy. I really am. Mr. Mcphee: I'm not mad, Andie. Jack: I am. The--the three of us, we, um... We need each other. You can't do stupid things like this, Andie. You just can't. I mean, think about what our family's been through already. Andie: I know. I'm sorry. I know it was stupid. It's the stupidest thing I've ever done. I don't know. It's just... I wanted to feel something, you know? Anything. Mr. Mcphee: It's ok. We'll get through this as long as we can communicate, you know, as... A family. You have to tell us what you're going through. No more secrets. [Pacey comes in carrying 2 cups of coffee.] Pacey: Ok. Hey. It's a...25-cent coffee from the machine, so don't get your hopes up. Mr. Mcphee: Thank you. Andie: You stayed. Pacey: Well, you know, I didn't have anything better to do, so I figured I'd just stay and bug you. Andie: You're not bugging me. About the things that I said, Pacey... Pacey: Hey, don't worry about what you said. Doesn't matter. What matters now is that you're ok. Andie: Thanks. [Scene: A pier on the creek. Joey and Dawson walk to the end of it during the sunrise and stop at the end of it.] Dawson: It doesn't seem right to have such a beautiful sunrise after the night we just had. Joey: I can't shake the way that Andie looked when they put her in that ambulance. Dawson: It's scary how things can turn so bad so fast. Joey: It's scary how real everything's been this year, you know? Jen and Pacey in the storm, and Andie tonight... Does make you kinda realize that any one of us could go at any moment for the stupidest of reasons. Dawson: Yeah. I remember when parties used to be bowling and birthday cakes, you know? Now they're high-risk adventures that can actually kill you. Another perk of growing up in the new millennium. Joey: You know, less than a year, Dawson, and we'll all be outta here. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: It's really sad to think that after 18 years of living down the creek from each other, there's gonna be no one rowing our boats anymore. Dawson: Well, I wouldn't put our boats in dry-dock just yet. Joey: You have plans for our boats? Dawson: I do. I think you should give yours to Alexander, because I'm gonna be giving mine to my new brother or sister. Joey: That's why gale's been so sick lately? She's pregnant? Dawson: Mm-hmm. Joey: Congratulations! Oh, my god! Well, you know, Capeside wouldn't be Capeside without a little leery running around. Dawson: Or rowing across the creek to get to your house. Joey: Sounds weird, but hearing that, makes me feel— Dawson: old? Joey: How'd you know that? Dawson: It's the way I felt. Nothing--ha--propels you into adulthood faster than the next generation nipping at your heels. Joey: You know, Dawson, um... I think about it sometimes, and... Wherever we go next, it's hard to imagine life without you. Dawson: You did pretty well for 3 months. Joey: I think you know what I mean. Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, I do. [Sighs]

Plan: A: Andie; Q: Who takes the ecstasy tablets? A: Harvard; Q: What college does Andie get accepted into? A: ecstasy tablets; Q: What does Andie take at the rave? A: Drue; Q: Who gave Jen the ecstasy tablets? A: one night; Q: How long does Andie want to feel happy? A: death; Q: What does the combination of ecstasy and anti-depressants almost lead to? A: Dawson; Q: Who is happy about Mitch and Gail's baby? Summary: Andie gets accepted into Harvard in advance, but accomplishing what should be the biggest thing in her life doesn't exactly makes her happy. She decides to explore different paths in her life by going to a rave. At the party, ecstasy tablets that Drue has given to Jen find their way to Andie, who takes them in a bid to feel happy for one night. The tablets react with her anti-depressants, a disastrous combination which almost leads her to death. Mitch and Gail decide to keep their baby, news that makes Dawson very happy.

"It's Too Late and It's Too Bad" 40th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA18 [SCENE_BREAK] Maria: Ok, what you need to know about Alex is that he loved life. He loved it. He played the bass. He traveled. He had just gotten back from his trip to Sweden only a couple of months ago, and he had his whole life ahead of him, and then this one, stupid accident just came and took it all away... forever. Liz--she's on this crusade to prove that Alex's death wasn't accidental. She's convinced that what happened to Alex was alien-related. Flashback Liz: You don't want to think that Alex was killed by an alien because that would mean you are responsible. Max: Let's go. Maria: The pod squad was not too happy about that one. Flashback Kyle: I guess it's us versus them. Liz: I know what I know, and I am gonna find out the truth. Maria: And believe me, she will. Scene opens to Maria in Alex's room with his dad, pictures are spread out on his bed. Maria: It's a 2-page yearbook spread, a collage that captures, you know, everything Alex was. Chuck: You guys are just great friends to Alex, you know, still. Oh, and liz, tell your folks thanks for the food they sent over. Liz: Yeah. Sure. What are these? Chuck: Condolence cards from floral arrangements. You can take a look at them if you'd like. Liz: She reads one of the cards "The Olsons"? Chuck: Yeah. Alex's host family in Sweden. It's awful to admit, but Gloria and I didn't even think about contacting them. Liz: Well, then, who did? Chuck: I'm assuming someone from the school. Alex's entire trip was set up through the guidance office. Well, looks like you guys are gonna be here for a while. I'll order a pizza. Maria: Oh, no. You really don't have to order-- Chuck: It's nothing. He leaves the room. Maria: Liz, you're being rude. Liz: Alex put every single thing about his entire life in this computer. There has got to be something in here to help us figure out what really happened. Maria: Mr. Whitman let us go through stuff for the yearbook spread. You can't look through his stuff for clues. It's immoral. Liz: What's immoral is that someone murdered Alex. Look, we have got 2 clues here-- the numbers on the thai food receipt and his girlfriend Leanna. Will you start looking through his desk drawers? See if you can find anything. Maria: I don't think so. No. Liz: Why, Maria? Come on. We've only got a few hours here. Maria: Does Max know that you're doing this? Liz: I'm just looking for the truth. I don't think that Max is interested in that right now. Maria: God, I hate this. It's like this chasm has formed between everybody since-- Liz: --since I said aliens were responsible for Alex's death. Maria: Yes. Look, I really don't think we should do this without them knowing. It's just gonna make things worse. As it is, Michael and I haven't even talked to each other in days. Liz: Why would he lock this document? Maria: What? Liz: Inside this folder, there's 5 subfolders, and in the last subfolder, there's one locked file. None of the other files are locked. It's like he was hiding it. Do you have any idea what his security code is? Oh, Maria. Maria: Look. I really don't think that we should-- Liz: --just tell me. Maria: Try "I, the stud." He's let me log on to his e-mail account a few times. Liz: Oh, my God. Look at this. Look. On the computer we see the words "Leanna is not Leanna" filling the screen. Scene opens to Liz at school talking to another student. Liz: So, you're saying this definitely has nothing to do with ap computer. Student: Nothing we've been working on lately. This is binary code. The ones and zeros are usually used to tell a computer how to operate. Liz: I need you to be more specific. What does this particular sequence mean? Student: Without an application, it means nothing. Tess and Max are walking by. Tess: So, we still on for study? Max: Yeah. Yeah. Your house? Tess: Yeah. I'll see you there. Liz: to the other student I'll talk to you about this later. to Max What's up? Max: Liz, I just want to talk this through. I don't want this to turn into a war between us, between everyone. Liz: Yeah. Neither do I. Max: Look. The other day at the wake, you were upset about Alex. I understand how you might have said some of the things that you said. Liz: Mm-hmm. Max: I'm willing to forget about it, wipe the slate clean. Liz: Max, maybe it wasn't right for me to say what I said just then, and maybe I could have said it a little bit calmer. But I don't regret it. It's true. Max: Liz, the way you're going about doing this isn't safe. Talking to people at school, asking questions. Whenever we decided to do something, we always decided as a group. Liz: Do you believe me... about Alex? Max: No. Liz: Well, then we can't act as a group right now, Max. She walks away. Scene changes to the music room. Liz is talking to Marie. Marie is setting up a camera to do a photo spread. Liz: Look, whatever happened to Alex happened while he was in Sweden. You know that "Leanna is not Leanna" document? It was created on January 16 while Alex was still there. Maria: Will you hold this like this? She hands her the cameral light. Liz: Yes. "Leanna is not leanna." Well, you think about it in alien terms. It could mean that she's a shapeshifter or a skin or some other type of alien that we don't even know about yet. Maria: You know what? Think about it in human terms, ok? What if he and leanna got in a fight or what if he caught leanna flirting with another boy or something? Liz: I started playing around with the sequence of ones and zeros that alex wrote on the delivery food receipt the night he was murdered. Maria: Please. Do not use that word, liz. Please. Liz: There were 20 altogether. Then I counted the number of letters in the phrase, "leanna is not leanna." 17. Not a match, until I counted the number of spaces between the words. 17 letters plus 3 spaces equals 20. What if there's a connection? Michael walks in. Michael: Hey, can I talk to Maria for a minute? Liz: Sure. He takes the camera light from her Maria: Give me that. Maria takes the camera light and puts it down. Michael: So, what's Liz accusing us of now? Maria: You know what? If you're here to trash-talk, I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause that is the only way I'm gonna get through a simple school day without losing it, all right? Michael: Well, you gotta tell her to get off this Alex thing. Maria: What if she's right, though, you know? What if-- Michael: All the more reason for her not to get involved. It's dangerous. It's not for Liz to look into, or you. Maria: God, I hate this. I just hate that there's this division between all of us. Michael: Well, then, maybe Liz shouldn't have blamed us for killing Alex. Maria: That is not what she said, Michael. Michael: What are you doin'? Maria: It's a yearbook collage me and Liz are doing in memory of Alex. Michael looks at all the intruments lined up along the wall. Michael: And this would be the-- Maria: It's a picture of all his instruments. It's lame, isn't it? Michael: Kind of. Need help? Maria: Why? Are you serious? Michael: Yeah. Maria: Well, I, um... I could use a ride to the photo shop to get some color copies. Michael: Ok. Maria: And then i gotta track down this non-clump spray adhesive, and my exacto knife is missing. And, yeah, I haven't collected half of the stuff that we want to put in the collage and, on top of everything, I have a major deadline to meet. Scene changes to outside on the side of a road, Max, Isabel, Michael and Tess are walking and talking. Max: She's obsessed. She keeps talking to people, asking questions. Isabel: Has anybody thought about the possibility that Liz is right? I'm the last person who wants to even remotely consider it, but it's us. Stranger things have happened. Max: No. She isn't right. Isabel: Max, if we just thought about it-- Max: Isabel, no. Liz is wrong, and even if there were anything remotely alien about this, our cover is the best defense. It always has been. Isabel: Not quite. I got a letter from San Francisco. They wait-listed me. Max: Really? Isabel: Yeah. It's good news. You know, Mrs. Fletcher's got everybody working in the guidance counselor's office to get me recommendations, and my teachers are helping. I mean, this could really be a good chance for me. Max just looks at her then looks down. Some people would say, "congratulations." Max: We'll talk about this later. Isabel: Sure. Max and Tess walk away, leaving Michael and Isabel standing there. Scene changes to a bedroom. Max and Tess are sitting together on the floor. Tess: The kiss at the prom. The infamous kiss. Max: Right. Tess: With what happened to Alex, I can understand putting the subject on hold. I couldn't deal with it, either. But now, I just-- I can't help wondering where we are. Max: Right. Right. You and me together, it scares me. Right or wrong, I feel like if I follow that road, I can never go back. Tess: You're scared to go home. Max: What is home? Is home really up there? I just feel like this whole idea about where we come from, and I want to believe it. I want to understand it more and more, but it just feels like this dream... this, this dream that I can never really quite touch or see or...feel. And earth just seems so much more... real. Scene changes to Liz at Sean's door Liz: Hi. Sean: Hey. She comes in and he gets back to plumbing work at the sink. Sorry. I really have to finish this. Liz: It's ok. I just wanted to talk. Sean: I'm really sorry about Alex. Liz: I got your flowers. That was sweet. Thank you. Sean: The girl in the shop said they'd smell nice. Liz: Mm-hmm. They did. Sean: Cool. Liz: You know, I was thinking about our trip to the bowling alley. Sean: Yeah? Liz: Mm-hmm. I was trying to remember how we got in. Sean: Oh. Liz: I mean, did you use, like, a swiss army knife or something? You know, to open a lock, I thought that you stuck a knife in and jiggled. Sean: Uh, I, uh, I used a pick that I made from a bicycle spoke. Liz: Oh. But you could use a swiss army knife, right? Sean: What are you trying to do, Parker? Liz: Break into the school. Sean: Ok. You are aware that I have a record, right? Liz: Yes, and that's why I'm just asking for a little how-to advice. Sean: Ok. You know, I'm not allowed within 1,000 feet of that place. Liz: I know, and I would never put you in that position. Sean: I can't help you, parker. I'm sorry. Scene immediately changes to inside the school, at night, Sean is in dark clothing, so is Liz and he is picking the lock to the guidance counselor's office. Sean: So, what, do you want to change one of your grades or something? Liz: Yeah. Something like that. He gets the door open and hands her some keys. Sean: One of these keys should take care of the filing cabinets. I'm gonna do a sweep of the halls. Liz: Ok. Sean: Hurry. He leaves to check the halls. Liz gets Alex's files from a filing cabinet and makes copies of information about his trip to Sweden. Sean comes back just as she's finishing up. Sean: Our time's up. Liz: Ok. I don't think I got it all. Sean: One rule about breaking and entering-- never stay in the same place for more than 5 minutes. Liz: Well, does that mean we can go back? Sean: Come on. Just then a security guard shines is flashlight in their faces. Security Guard: Hold it right there, you two. Scene changes to Max walking alone through a park at night. He hears a whistle that startles him. It's Michael. Max: Don't do that. Michael: This whole thing with Isabel and college... Max: She can't go. Michael: Do you want me to talk to her about it? Things seem a little tense between you two. Max: Ok. Michael: No problem. Max starts to walk away. Max. Max: What? Michael: Nothin'. Is everything all right? Max: Yeah. Michael: Good. Max: Good. Michael: 'Cause you sort of snapped at Isabel before. You know, about the Liz thing. She was just saying it was a possibility. Max: I know. It's just--if I want to hear theories about Alex's murder, I could talk to Liz. Michael: Yeah. Max: You think we have something to do with it? Michael: I have no idea. I just wouldn't want our leader to be forming opinions based on what he wants to be true instead of what really is true. Anyway... Max: Michael. The idea that Alex might have died just because we're here... I can't bear it. All those times you would run off chasing some clue to find out where we come from. Why we're here. Where we belong. I always thought you were chasing something that wasn't out there, because in my heart, I believed that we belonged here, you know? That we were human. Lately, I've been thinking that you might have been right all along. Michael: Lately, I've been thinking I might have been wrong all along. They both walk away from each other. Scene changes back to the school. Police are now there, questioning Sean and Liz Police Officer: to Liz Stay here. He walks Sean a short distance away. What are you doing, Deluca? Sean: What do you think, man? She's hot. I was trying to get in her pants. Police Officer: So you broke into the school? Sean: Well, the chicks dig an adrenaline rush. Not this one. She's a buzzkill, deputy. Police Officer: You're a real zero, Deluca. You know that? He walks over to Liz. Young lady, I hope you appreciate the seriousness of your actions tonight. Liz: Oh, yes, sir. Police Officer: I know you're a good kid, and your parents are good folk, too, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. A strong warning. You got it? Liz: Oh, yes, sir. Thank you. Another police officer takes Sean away. Scene changes to Max and Valenti talking. Valenti: Anyway, Hanson told me about it. They were at the school. I didn't get all the details, but it sounded a little out of character for Liz. Max: Unless she was looking for something more specific. Valenti: Well, if that was the case, I figured you'd know what this was about. Listen. I am more than happy, Max, to be left in the dark. In fact, sometimes I think I would prefer that. But you guys are usually a lot more careful about it than this. Max: I'll take care of it. Scene changes to Liz's room. She's trying to call Alex's host family in Sweden. A telephone machine message is delivered in swedish. Liz: Oh! Hello. Hi. Mr. And mrs. Olson, this is liz parker calling again from roswell, new mexico. I'm a friend of alex whitman, your exchange student. If you could please just call me back at any time, it is extremely important. My cell phone number is 505-555-0125. Please just call. You know, collect is fine. Please, just call as soon as possible. Um...ok. Thank you. Scene changes to school. Isabel is at a table outside looking at brochures. Michael walks up and sits next to her. Michael: Hey. Isabel: Hey. Michael: So, this is the college. Isabel: Yeah. Yeah. As a freshman, my housing choices are pretty limited, but this is the dorm I want. It's close to everything good. Michael: Nice. Isabel: Yeah. Michael: But you can't go. Isabel: Excuse me? Michael: Isabel, you know the drill. We have to stay in roswell. We stick together. It's a given. Isabel: I've made up my mind. Michael: What happens if we need you back here? What are you gonna tell your roommates or your professors? "Oh, sorry, dr. So-and-so, "but I gotta miss sociology "because some fresh gandarium sprang up in the roswell sewers." Isabel: Michael-- Michael: I'm not done. I mean, who's paying for all this cross-country travel? Do you know what a last-minute plane ticket costs nowadays? Isabel: So, I'll change dollar bills into hundreds. Michael: You can do that? Isabel: I just need a change. Michael: Look. When Alex died, none of us could have known how much it would affect us. You running away isn't gonna help you get over it any quicker. Isabel: I'm just trying to have a life. Michael: Yeah, and I'm suggesting you don't make a huge decision right now. Not when your emotions are still running high. Isabel: Isn't that when you make all of your decisions? Michael: This is final. Isabel: It's not for you to say. Michael: No, but I'm speaking for Max. Isabel: You know what? You tell Max that if he has something to say to me, he'd best find the time to say it himself. She walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene changes to a classroom. A yearbook meeting is being held. Maria is explaining about the photo spread. Maria: It's gonna be great. I mean, there's still a lot of stuff left to collect. Like, there's this poster of his first gig in hondo, and then, we're trying to get ahold of this poem that he wrote about when his dog got his leg amputated, 'cause, you know, you can't have a collage about Alex without capturing his sense of humor, so, anyway, it's a work-in-progress, clearly. Teacher: Well, maria. Now, you were supposed to be delivering camera-ready art. Maria: Art. Yes. I know. It's a lot better than it looks. Teacher: Ok, we're already holding the presses for this. Maria: I understand. Teacher: And as much as I think that we're all devastated about Alex, I don't think that it's in the wishes of the student body to not get their yearbooks until after graduation. Maria: Look. If you could just give me 48 hours-- Teacher: Ok. Maybe we should think about compromising a little. I mean, do you really need to have every single piece of memorabilia in the collage? Maria: Yes. Yes, I do, and I will--we will-- liz and I will. Teacher: Ok, and where is Liz, anyway? Scene changes to a hallway at school. Liz is on a cell phone talking to the Swedish embassy. Liz: I've checked every tour book, and I can't find anything that matches. Mr. Stockman: Miss Parker, I appreciate your interest in my country, but it's impossible for me to spend the day tracking down a building for you. Liz: You don't understand how important this is. Please. It is 4 stories completely covered in-- Mr. Stockman: --glass. You've described it. Look. Once I get through this pile of paperwork on my desk, I'll try to-- Liz: --what if I e-mailed it to you? You know, maybe that would work. Please. Mr. Stockman: My address is on our website. I can't promise anything. Liz: Oh, no. I will send it today. Thank you so much. Thank you. Meanwhile, Max has walked up behind her. Max: What the hell were you and Sean Deluca doing here last night? Liz: Max, not now. I have to find a place that'll scan this. Max: Why? Who were you just talking to? Liz: The Swedish embassy in Washington. Max: This has to stop. I will consider the possibility that Alex was killed by an alien if you consider the possibility that he killed himself. Liz: No, he didn't! Max: And what if he did? Then you are doing nothing but raising people's suspicions about us. You have nothing to lose here, and we have everything to lose. Liz: Let go of me. He looks down, realizes he's gripping her arm, lets go and walks away. Scene changes to Max sitting outside in the park, it's night time. Tess walks up to him. Tess: Hey. You ok? I want to show you something. Scene changes to the observatory and Tess and Max are looking at the stars through their high powered telescopes. Tess: You see that star, the way it wobbles? Max: Is that our planet? Tess: No, it's called Barnard's star. You can see that star from our planet, too. Our world's out there, Max. It's not close, and sometimes it seems like a dream to me, too, but it's real, and I know you know that, too. That's reality, Max. This...this is the dream. Max: If that's the truth, when do we wake up? Tess: That's up to you. Scene changes to a bedroom. Liz is at a computer, still looking for clues. There's a knock at the door. Liz: Come in. Maria: Liz, you missed another yearbook meeting. The least you could've done was call. Liz: Yes, I am sorry to have to put all that stuff on you right now. Maria: Stuff? Liz: Yeah, but you know what? I'm closing in on this Leanna girl. They went on a cross-country tour together. I've got everything mapped out, but this is where things don't add up. Alex's itinerary says they were headed for the Baltic Islands, and the date on the photo matches the schedule, but there is no building that looks like this in the Baltic Islands, or--or in any of the other cities that Alex visited for that matter. I mean, maybe she took him to-- Maria: Would you just listen to yourself? Liz: I don't even know where-- to, like, another country or another planet. Maria-- Maria: Stop it and listen to me, all right? I need my best friend right now because our other best friend just died, and I feel lost and scared and just completely wrecked, and I know that we're supposed to go to school, and go to work, and finish this yearbook tribute, but I just can't-- I don't have a handle on things. I feel like everything is just slipping by me, and I don't even-- I don't even know if I'm alive right now. So please, just stop focusing on this thing, that isn't even there. And just be sad with the rest of us, ok? Please. Liz: So you don't believe me, either. Maria: I'm--no, I'm sorry, I guess I don't, Liz. Liz: Leave the sweden stuff. I need it. Maria: God, you know, you're doing this for Alex, but you don't care whose life you screw up in the way. Liz: That's not true. Maria: Oh, it's not? How about Sean? Have you even thought about him for a second since he ruined his probation for you? God, I don't even know you anymore. Scene changes to Sean at home, trying to unplug the sink with a broom handle. There's a knock at the door. Sean: Hey. Liz: Hi. Sean: Maria's not here. Liz: I know. I wanted you. Look, thank you, um, for taking the heat the other night with Hanson. It was very heroic of you. And look, I'm sorry, you know. I know I should've called. Do you have to go to jail? Sean: Aunt Amy talked to Valenti, Valenti talked to Hanson. Basically, I'm gonna be doing community service until I'm, like, senile, but they kept it off my record. Liz: Thank god. Sean: He tries the plugged disposal again. Piece of crap. He then offers a drink to Liz. Liz: Oh, no, thank you. Yeah, I should go. Sean: Armored truck heist? Liz: No, not exactly. Sean: How about some company then? Liz: Oh, I don't think that I would be very good company right now. Sean: I don't know, Parker. I'm pretty easy to entertain. Liz: Yeah, and I appreciate the offer, but, um, you know, I'm just sort of in the middle of something really huge right now, and I need to be really focused on it, so I should just do it alone. Sean: And you can't tell me what it is. Liz: Right. Sean: So, let me get this straight. I can't date you. I can't hang out with you. Is there anything I can do with you? Liz: Uh-uh. Not yet. I'm sorry. She starts to walk away but then turns back and kisses him, then leaves. Scene changes to Michaels place. There's a knock on his door. Michael: The print shop. I totally forgot. Maria: You were supposed to pick me up at 4:00. I call you and your line is disconnected. Michael: Yeah, I forgot to pay my phone bill. Maria: I was worried about you. I thought something happened to you. Michael: No, I'm fine. Come on, we'll go right now. Maria: No, no. She walks in and sits on his couch. Michael: Maria, the print shop doesn't close until 7:00. We have time. Maria, I'm right here. I just forgot. Maria: I can't count on you. Michael: Yes, you can. I'll take care of this. I mean, I'm right here for you. Maria: But you won't always be. Michael: What? Maria: One day you're gonna leave me. You're gonna get on a spaceship and go away, and you being the perfect boyfriend right now is really not helping me. I can't lose anyone else, Michael. My heart can't handle it. She leaves. Scene changes to Liz on the phone. She finally gets through to the host family that Alex stayed with. Man: Hey. Liz: Hi, Mr. Olson. Hi, this is Liz Parker calling from the United States. I'm calling about Alex Whitman. Man: This is not Mr. Olson. Liz: Oh, may I speak to him, please? Man: No one by that name lives here. Liz: Well, I'm holding something that says this is their number. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: That is the number you dialed, but my name is Lind, and, please, I would appreciate you not calling again. Good-bye. He hangs up. She looks at the condolence card sent by the Olsons and sees the name of the florist that sent them. Scene changes to Liz at the florist shop. Liz: Their address should be right there on the sales slip. Florist: If it's an international order, all we take's a credit card number. Liz: Ok, well, can i have that then? Florist: No. Liz: No, no, I'm not some psycho stalker. I am just looking to confirm a phone number or an address, you know, anything. Florist: Why don't you try directory assistance? Liz: Because there's over 40,000 Olsons in Sweden. Florist: Well, I sorry, but-- Liz: No, you're not! I'm in an impossible situation. I need to locate someone in Sweden. I'm here in Roswell. You have the information. Why can't you just give it to me? Florist: Because I'm trying to run a business, not a detective agency. Scene changes to a bank. Liz is taking money out of the bank. Teller: counting out money 51, 52, 53. That's $2,053.78. Let me guess. First car? Liz: A trip to Europe. Scene changes to school. Isabel is sitting at a table. Max walks up to her. Max: Great news. Isabel: Mine's even better. Mrs. Fleischauer called and talked to someone up in San Francisco. They can't say officially, but I'm high on their list. Max: I figured out a way we can make this work. He pulls out a Santa Fe book and hand it to her. Isabel: Santa Fe State? Max: I talked to one of their admissions counselors. They love Santa Fe. They wouldn't shut up about the whole night life there. Best of all, the university has rolling admissions. So you can start as early as next winter. Isabel: But I didn't apply to Santa Fe State. Max: But that's what the application's for, Iz. It's perfect. You'll only be a few hours away, and I think we can talk mom and dad into getting you a car or something so you can be mobile. Isabel: I don't want to go to Santa Fe State, Max. She hands the book back to him. Max: Isabel, you've been indulged in this for too long. Isabel: Indulged? In planning my future? "Isabel Evans has really enjoyed growing up in Roswell, and as much as she loves her hometown and shows that love through hours of community service, I believe Roswell is just too small to contain the potential of a woman like Isabel Evans." This--this is from Mrs. Seymour at the homeless shelter. That's what she think about me, and I have dozens, dozens of other recommendations just like it. Do you know why? Because as far as the outside world is concerned, Max, I'm a bright and talented upstanding member of the community of planet earth. I've played the role to perfection. Now, it is my turn. Max: Don't make me the bad guy in all this. Isabel: You are the bad guy in all of this. How could you send Michael to come and talk to me? It's like the alien mafia. Max: You can't go. Isabel: I have news for you, little brother. I'm going. I'm going to college in San Francisco. Every teacher in West Roswell High knows it. Mom and dad are thrilled about it, so either jump on the band wagon or get out of my way. Get out. She walks away, he follows. Max: Isabel... Isabel, if I have to, I will do everything in my power to keep you here. I will tell our parents you have a drug problem. I will notify your teachers that you have cheated on every test for the last 3 years. If you ever leave Roswell without my consent, I will physically drag you back. For the last time, the answer is no. Period. Isabel: You're killing me. Max: You let it get this far. Isabel: Fine. This Isabel Evans is dead. You want to be the leader? See how it works without any followers. She walks away. Student: Ooh, Isabel Evans, you are so hot when you're pissed. Isabel throws him down the hall and against a locker with a flick of her hand and continues to walk away. Scene changes to Amy, now trying to unplug the disposal at home. Amy: Piece of crap. Michael: Need some help? I'm pretty good with this kind of thing. Amy: Michael, you're in a house full of very self-sufficient women here. Michael: Why don't you just get a new one? Amy: Me and this garbage disposal have had a pretty good relationship. Michael: Yeah, but what if it broke down for good? What if, like, in his own way, he wanted out permanently? Amy: Do you think he's thinking of leaving? Michael: Well, maybe he realizes he can't be around forever. And to just stay and be here, and crush garbage until he leaves will give people a false sense of security. Amy: Look, Michael, we're both getting what we need out of this situation. And, sure, the disposal won't always be around, but what if. Maybe tomorrow isn't something to really worry about. Michael: Maybe. Amy: Give me that hammer. He hands her a hammer, she starts pounding on the pipes under the sink and Michael passes his hand over the clogged disposal, fixing it. Amy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you see that? I fixed it. Michael: Nice one, Ms. Deluca. Amy: Yeah! Scene changes to a road outside Roswell. Liz is sitting on a fence, with packed bags at her feet. Max drives up. Max: Liz, where are you going? Liz: Sweden. Max: Are you kidding me? Get in the car. Liz: No. Max: What did you tell your parents? Liz: I'm gonna call them from the airport and tell them my girlfriend in Florida had a crisis and she needed me. Max: They'll call your aunt. Your aunt will say you're not there. Liz: Well, then, I'll think of something else. The cab driver pulls up. Cab Driver: He looks at Max. You the airport? Liz: No. Actually, I am. You're late. Max: Liz, don't get in that cab. Liz: to the cab driver Load it up. Max: He takes one of her bags from her and puts it in his jeep. Liz, get in my car. Liz: She takes it backWhat are you gonna do? You're gonna throw me in it? Max: You have to listen to me. Liz: Don't even pull that king card on me, Max. I'm not Isabel. You can't boss me around. Max: If this is about being pissed at me, fine. Punish me all you want. But what about everyone else? What you're doing puts them at risk. Liz: What I'm doing may save their lives. Max: You have a responsibility to Michael, Isabel, and Tess not to get in that cab. Liz: Uh-huh, and I have a responsibility to alex to find out what really happened. Max: Liz, if you go, our friendship is over. Liz: I guess that's the price I have to pay. Somebody killed Alex and covered up his death. Why don't you see that, Max? Wake up. She gets in the cab and it pulls away, leaving him standing there. Scene changes to Maria's house. She walks in on Michael at the table. Maria: What's this? Michael: Sit down. We've been through some rough stuff lately. The thing is, you're right. I can't really imagine it happening, but I am gonna leave someday. It could be a year, or 2, or 50. But I'm gonna leave. It sucks. It's the choice we made to be together. But there is one thing that I can promise you, and that is that I can give you now. Maria is crying and kisses his hand. Then Michael starts helping her with the photo spread, the pieces of which are all over the kitchen table. Michael: Now, I was thinking, um, this could go with that. Scene changes to the observatory. Max is there looking at the stars when Tess walks up. Tess: I thought I'd find you here. Max: My whole life I've wanted to be this person, this normal person. Human. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. This thing that made me a freak. This monster. I realize that I haven't just been hiding from the government and the law all this time. I've been hiding from myself. I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I knew but I don't. I've lost everyone. Tess: I'll be here for eternity. They kiss. Max: I'm ready to wake up now. They kiss again. The scene is then mixed with another scene of Liz running to make her plane on time and Max and Tess making love in the observatory. Liz is about to get on the plane when she receives a phone call from the Swedish Embassy. Mr. Stockman: Ms. Parker? Mr. Stockman from the embassy. We found your building. There's just one curiosity-- that structure was torn down in 1994. 3 people in my office have confirmed it. That building is gone. Liz: (to herself) He never went to Sweden.

Plan: A: A startling breakthrough; Q: What leads to a renewed connection for two of the gang? A: tension; Q: What does differing reactions to a life shattering event create among the gang? A: Roswell; Q: Where does the gang live? A: Liz; Q: Who enlists Sean in her quest for answers? Summary: A startling breakthrough leads to a renewed connection for two of the gang. Differing reactions to a life shattering event creates tension among the gang, resulting in heartfelt revelations, hidden insecurities and thoughts of leaving Roswell. Meanwhile, Liz enlists Sean in her continuing quest for answers into the death of Alex.

JAIPUR (India). Syd, in disguise (blond wig, pink pants and glasses) is in a large market. She arrives near a house in a vehicle (sort of a motorcycle). She is on the phone with someone. SYDNEY: Honey, that's not good enough. What am I, a dog whistle? I said no. "N.O." that's right. That's better. Thank you. (A man waits in front of a house). Mr. Halbe? HALBE: It's a pleasure to meet you. SYDNEY: Hi! HALBE: I hope your trip wasn't too arduous? (He helps her to go out of the vehicle) SYDNEY: My trip was fine. It's these marketing people. B.A.S, M.B.A. Sand not a lick of common sense among 'em! They almost didn't launch my new perfume L'Eau De Passion. They said the name was tacky. Can you believe that?! HALBE: It's a lovely name. (Halbe opens the entrance door). SYDNEY: I know. That's why I always trust my instincts, and now it is flying off the shelves, flying! HALBE: I assure you, we can take care of all your customer service needs. (They walk through a corridor) SYDNEY: I don't want my people suffering through no ten minutes of pan flute to place an order. HALBE: Of course not. Let me show you our main call centre. (They arrive in the large room of the call centre). SYDNEY: Ouch! I think I came to the right place. FLASHBACK APO : Marshall's office. MARSHALL: We just got a lead on Anna. She's routing her calls through a call centre in Jaipur; using what? Encrypted router. She must have put something on a line outside. So they have no idea she's piggy backing on their system. She's totally anonymous. SYDNEY: So we locate the router and remove the encryption key. Next time Anna makes a call, we listen in. MARSHALL: Right, maybe even trace her location. SYDNEY: What's the approach? MARSHALL: All you need to do is get this perfume bottle within 5 feet of... a WiFi access, point. And then you can just map the phone system. We can figure out which line she's using. SYDNEY: (Sydney observes the name of the perfume) "L'Eau De Passion"? MARSHALL: What, you think it's...too tacky? SYDNEY: I'll work with it. JAIPUR. HALBE: Soon, we'll be doubling our call volume capacity. SYDNEY: You're gonna need to triple it when you start getting calls about this baby... EMPLOYEE: (On phone with a client) the Mandarin Stripe is on back order, but the Heather Sprig is available. SYDNEY: Excuse me, ma'am. How do you like this smell? (She prays the perfume everywhere) It's called "L'Eau De Passion". Nice. Well, you keep it. (She puts the bottle on her desk near a Wifi access point) EMPLOYEE: (to the client) Sorry, my computer's working a little slow today. RENEE: (outside - coms) Signal's good. I'm mapping the system now. HALBE: If you outsource, you can cut your customer service budget by at least 30% SYDNEY: Interesting. RENEE: (coms) Syd...We've got a problem. Their router is not out here. It's in the building. SYDNEY: (To Halbe) Could I come back tomorrow? I need to think about it. RENEE: (coms) No, don't go. (She closes the electrical panel) Just follow my lead. (Renee barges in as a robber and holds everyone up at gunpoint) Nobody move! Drop it! (A guard just put his gun out) You get on the ground. (To Sydney) You in the pink, come here. (To Halbe) Get down! (She looks at the cable on the ground and throws Sydney near them) Get on the ground! (She opens a bag) Watches, jewelry, wallets in the bag! Hurry up! No reason not to be nice! Come on! Sydney finds the access point and takes out the chip. SYDNEY: All right now. That's enough for today RENEE: (She takes Sydney as a hostage) get up. If anyone does anything in the next three minutes, she dies. (They run) SYDNEY: (She takes the bag) Let me see this. (She throws the bag). RENEE: Hey, I saw a watch I liked! SYDNEY: It's probably a Knockoff. SYDNEY: Renée, what you did back there... RENEE: You don't approve. SYDNEY: No, it was brilliant. You should think about joining A.P.O. Really. (They are about to jump in the car). RENEE: In case you forgot, I'm a criminal. SYDNEY: We could try for a pardon. You should think about it. RENEE: OK, no. BARCEL[O]NE. Hall outside, night. EHRMANN: I was surprised to hear from you. You made it very clear that your dealings with us were over. SLOANE: I read the instructions. In order for the serum to work, Nadia's heart needs to be stopped. EHRMANN: Only briefly, as I recall 30 seconds or so. SLOANE: You're asking me to kill my daughter. EHRMANN: I'm asking you to have faith in Rambaldi. SLOANE: You're saying Rambaldi designed the cure? EHRMANN: Well, given that Nadia's illness stems from his invention, doesn't that make sense? Surely, I don't have to convince you of the genius behind his designs. You spent decades pursuing his works. If things had gone differently, you'd be working with us right now. You'd be there. When we realized his greatest achievement. You still could be. SLOANE: My pursuit of Rambaldi is over. I won't allow it to consume me again. I'm only here for Nadia. EHRMANN: That's unfortunate, but we upheld our end of the bargain. We gave you the cure. Whether or not you choose to administer it, that's up to you. APO. DIXON: Anna's line just went active. Marshall and Rachel are standing by to intercept. MARSHALL: Initiating the back trace. RACHEL: Bringing the optical satellites online. We hear a dialogue: KOLLER :Hello ? PEYTON! Did you bring your umbrella? The weather report calls for rain. RACHEL: That's not Anna but Kelly Peyton. JACK: Can you locate them? MARSHALL: Already on it. KOLLER: Who are you? PEYTON: That's not important. Anna Espinosa works for me now. That's all you need to know. KOLLER: I don't do business with strangers. PEYTON: Check your account. You've already been compensated. MARSHALL: I got him. He's in Zurich. 47-22north, 8-32 east. RACHEL: The KH-12 feed is up. I'm zooming in now. KOLLER: I suppose given your generosity, I could make an exception. PEYTON: I figured. Check under the bench at the base of the stairs. JACK: We need Peyton's location! MARSHALL: I know, but she's routing it through too many hubs. Via satellite, they zoom in on Koller's suitcase and find Page 47 of the Rambaldi manuscript. DIXON: Can you get a better view? RACHEL: Yeah. KOLLER: I've got it in front of me. What exactly do you want me to do? PEYTON: There's a message hidden in the text. DIXON: page 47. KOLLER: What sort of message? A code, a transfer, microdot? PEYTON: If I knew that, I wouldn't have to pay you, would I? MARSHALL: Got it... Barcelona. JACK: Where? MARSHALL: I don't know, just give me a sec. Keep talking. more minute, please. PEYTON: Use the protocol you had with Anna to contact me when you unveil the message hidden on the page. (She hangs up) MARSHALL: Barcelona. That's all we have. BARCELONE PEYTON: I don't know, Anna. He sounds a little skittish. SYDNEY (ANNA): He's the best. If it exists, he'll find it. APO RACHEL: It doesn't make any sense. If this guy in Zurich was Anna's contact, why is Peyton the one calling? JACK: It's unclear. But now I want you and Marshall to work together. See if you can I.D. him. If we can bring him into custody, we can use him to get to Anna. Tom, Dixon, reach out to all our contacts in Barcelona. If Prophet5 has established a new outpost there, perhaps someone's heard about it. DIXON: What about the message? TOM: You mean the one buried in a year old piece of paper? Are we taking that seriously? JACK: We've seen too much not to. RACHEL: Look, we still have a copy of page 47. I could take it and analyze it and... JACK: I'm taking it with me. You have your assignments. If anything develops, notify me at once. MARSHALL: Wait, where are you going? Not that you have to tell me, unless you want to. JACK: I'm going to see Sloane. He had page 47 in his possession long before it was turned over to the D.S.R. Given his obsession with it, maybe he knows something we don't. HOSPITAL. Sloane inside Nadia's room. SLOANE: can't just let you lie here like this, not if there's a way to get you back. I'm sorry. (He kisses her face, unplugs perfusion and devices. He stops her heart by smothering her). God, I'm sorry. It's the only way. As Sloane was about to draws the cure into a syringe, Jack enters. JACK: Arvin, Move away from her. SLOANE: You don't understand. We don't have time. JACK: Stop! This is not your decision to make, no matter how much she's suffering. SLOANE: I have to do it now! (Sloane draws the cure into a syringe) Oh, my God. It's too late. It was a cure, Jack, A cure. (Nadia wakes up, bringing joy to Arvin's face and suspicion to Jack's) It's okay. It's okay. We're here. APO. DIXON: So she's working with Prophet5? SYDNEY: Well, that explains how Anna escaped from prison, but why? I mean, why would they want her? DIXON: She's good. SYDNEY: Yeah, I know. But Prophet5 has always been low profile. Anna is on everybody's radar. DIXON: Maybe they had to go to her. Maybe there's only something she can do. RACHEL: We've identified the man from Zurich: Mortiz Koller. He used to be an art historian, was kind of a big shot. Supposedly discovered Da Vinci's lost drawings. DIXON: Supposedly? RACHEL: He forged them. He was completely discredited. It looks like he went freelance. And plenty of criminal organizations are more than happy to put his talent to good use, including Le Corbeau. DIXON: He worked with Renée? RACHEL: More than once. SYDNEY: Well, that means she'll know how to find him. MARSHALL: Syd, your father's on line two. Nadia's awake. HOSPITAL. SLoane talks with Jack in a corridor. Nadia is with the doctor. SLOANE: Looking at her like this, I'm almost afraid to believe it's true. JACK: It must be an overwhelming relief. SLOANE: Yeah. I know you have questions, Jack. JACK: Why didn't you tell me? SLOANE: I wanted to, but I was afraid for people to know. Conventional medicine gave up on my daughter. I couldn't. I've been funding dozens of backchannel research projects, phase one studies using class "A" drugs, methods that no country would condone. And then one of them paid off...A study out of Barcelona. JACK: Barcelona? SLOANE: I had no guarantee that it would work. My options had run out. Sydney arrives. JACK: Sydney. SYDNEY: Is she okay? JACK: She's with the doctor now. Sydney enters the bedroom and smiles at Nadia. DOCTOR: he's doing wonderfully. You need me for anything, you call the nurse, OK? SYDNEY: Hi. NADIA: Hi. In the corridor, the doctor joins Jack and Sloane DOCTOR: Everything seems normal. I need to run some tests, see if we can determine how... Nadia's condition reversed itself. SLOANE: No. My daughter has been poked and prodded enough. If her health is no longer in jeopardy, I want to make arrangements to take her home. She deserves her life back. DOCTOR: I understand. I'll update her file now and... See if we can get her out of here as soon as possible. SLOANE: Thank you. You want to go in? JACK: In a minute. I have a call to return. DIXON: Hello? JACK: It's me. I need you to look into something, off the record? DIXON: Sure. What is it? JACK: Sloane's recent activities. That is travel itineraries, call logs, meeting reports. DIXON: Anything you want me to focus on? JACK: Barcelona. APO. Sydney enters Jack's office where she also finds Dixon. SYDNEY: Did you find Koller? JACK: Tom's en route to meet Renée in Paris. SYDNEY: But you called me away from Nadia. JACK: Sydney, how much do you know about Nadia's cure? SYDNEY: Why? DIXON: Sloane's travel records indicate he's made several trips to Barcelona. He was there shortly before we intercepted Peyton's call. JACK: Sloane told me he acquired the cure in Barcelona where Prophet5 is based. We know they've used Nadia's condition to blackmail him in the past. Perhaps Sloane's association with them...didn't end there. SYDNEY: You think he's working with them, that Prophet5 gave him the cure? JACK: Perhaps in exchange for information. DIXON : Sloane's been breaking protocol, incorrectly logging phone calls made from A.P.O. for months, dozens of calls, Syd, all of them made to numbers that no longer exist. SYDNEY: He's already admitted to using illegal research channels. Perhaps he's trying to cover it up. JACK: Or the backchannel research could be a cover for something else. SYDNEY: I know what Sloane is capable of. You don't have to remind me, but Nadia has her life back because of him. JACK: Which is why I hope I'm wrong about this. SYDNEY: Well, do what you have to do. But until you have something concrete, I'll be with my sister. LOS ANGELES. HOSPITAL PARK. Nadia and Sloane are sited on a bench. SLOANE: You cold? Want me to get you a blanket? NADIA: No, the air feels good. SLOANE: Okay. NADIA: Sydney should be here soon. I can't wait to spend some time with Isabelle. I'm even looking forward to changing diapers in the middle of the night. SLOANE: So you're going to stay at Sydney's? NADIA: Yeah, I assumed so. Sydney pushing a baby carriage arrives. NADIA: Oh my God. Let me see her. SYDNEY: Come here, baby. She's dying to meet her aunt Nadia. (Sydney puts Isabelle in Nadia's arms) Yeah, there you... NADIA: Hi, beautiful. SLOANE: Well, I'll leave the three of you to enjoy each other's company. SYDNEY: Where are you going? SLOANE: A.P.O. Jack wants to see me. I'll be back. NADIA: We'll be fine. Won't we? SLOANE: Okay, enjoy the sun. NADIA: What's happening? Hi. What is it? APO. Sloane enters Jack's office. SLOANE: You wanted to see me? JACK: I arranged for the leave of absence you requested. The forms are all here for you to sign. SLOANE: Thank you. Look Jack, I realize the timing on this might be less than ideal, but if you need me... JACK: You should be spending this time with Nadia. SLOANE: Well, unfortunately, I'm not sure if she feels the same. JACK: Give it time, Arvin. SLOANE: I know. You're right. JACK: One last thing. We intercepted a call from Prophet5. Turns out Anna gave them page 47.They're looking for a hidden message encoded in the text. Were you...aware of this? SLOANE: No. JACK: Apparently, the message is hidden in a substitution cipher. Marshall believes she's close to decoding it. I could let you know when we find out. SLOANE: No. No, I think it's better I not be involved. JACK: I understand. Dixon arrives when Sloane leaves. DIXON: I talked to Marshall. He'll confirm he's working on page 47 if Sloane goes to him. JACK: And the taps are in place? DIXON: If Sloane alerts Prophet Five, we'll know. JACK: Thank you. Any words from Tom? DIXON: He's connected with Renée. They should be making contact with Koller soon. PARIS. On the quays of the Seine river. TOM: We should get this going. RENEE: We're following Koller's protocol. TOM: it's 10h00. RENEE: it's 9h59. TOM: I didn't realize the French were so punctual. RENEE: We're not. It's you Americans who are always in a hurry. TOM: And we get fat, too. Is there anything else? RENEE: Now it's 10h00. (She calls Koller) ZURICH. KOLLER'S HOME. He observes page 47 when his phone rings. (French discussion) KOLLER: Allo. RENEE: Tu te souviens de moi. KOLLER: Renée bien sur comme ça va ? RENEE: J'ai besoin de toi Morritz, un job très important. KOLLER: Pas maintenant je travaille. Mon client est plutôt exigent. RENEE: Mais ça ne peut pas attendre Morritz et j'ai sans doute quelque chose de plus intéressant à t'offrir. KOLLER: Tu sais il s me payent une fortune. RENEE: mmm, ce n'était pas vraiment l'argent que je pensais. KOLLER: J'aimerai bien crois moi, mais. RENEE: Mais quoi ? (He finds something strange on the page 47 when he runs a black light over the document) Qu'est-ce qu'il se passe ? KOLLER: Rien, Une surprise c'est tout, je peux me libérer plus tôt que prévu. Tu sais quoi ? On peut se voir finalement. RENEE: Vraiment ? KOLLER: OUI, absolument, Vient à Zurich. They hang up. RENEE: (To tom) we're on. APO. Sloane calls someone. SLOANE: We need to meet...Tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] LOS ANGELES. Sydney's apartment. Nadia looks at her bracelet's hospital « DE SANTOS NADIA PATIENT N°3059 ADMIT DATE 04-23-05 " NADIA: How's Isabelle? SYDNEY: She's asleep, finally. I'm all yours. NADIA: You shouldn't stay up. You must be exhausted. SYDNEY: Well, what about you? NADIA : It's strange. I've already missed so much time. I wish I had been here for you, with everything that's happened. SYDNEY: I know. And I know what it's like to have a part of your life taken from you. For what it's worth, it gets easier. NADIA: My father wanted me to stay with him, but I couldn't. Ever since he came into my life, it's always the same. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. SYDNEY: I don't blame you. You have every right to be guarded. But... You should know that while you were sick, he was completely devoted to you. I mean, I've never seen him so dedicated to anything. NADIA: Even Rambaldi? SYDNEY: From what I've seen, even Rambaldi. You can stay here as long as you want, as long as you don't mind a crying baby. NADIA: Are you crazy? I love having so much life around me. SYDNEY: (Her phone rings) It's my dad. Hey, dad. JACK: Sloane set a meet. SYDNEY: When? JACK: Tonight. I'm going to survey it. I thought you should know. SYDNEY: I'll wait for your call. NADIA: What is it? SYDNEY: There's something you should know. LOS ANGELES. CAR PARK. Jack opens his car and Nadia joins him. JACK: Nadia. NADIA: Sydney told me what you're doing. I want to go with you. JACK: You sure that's wise? NADIA: Whatever you're about to find out about my father...I need to know. JACK: All right, let's go. They get in the car. ZURICH. NIGHT. KOLLER'S HOME. (French discussion) RENEE : M. Koller s'il vous plait. HOMME : Oui bien sur. (He calls Koller) Il y a une dame pour vous voir. Oui elle est très belle. RENEE : (She gets to the apartment) (coms) Security is armed. TOM (coms) : Aren't they always? Just try to buy me a couple more minutes. KOLLER : Toujours aussi ravissante. RENEE : Toujours aussi charmeur. (She enters) Ah tu as mis le paquet dis donc KOLLER : Euh, pas vraiment. RENEE : Non ? Tu travailles toujours à la lueur des bougies ? KOLLER : J'ai toujours un petit faible pour toi. (She discovers page 47 on a table) Tom paints a large red square on a wall. KOLLER : Je ne savais pas quel genre de musique te plaisait. Euh, j'ai du jazz aussi... Euh si tu veux (Renée gets near him and puts his hand in his hair) RENEE : Chéri tout est parfait KOLLER : Euh, j'ai du champagne Tom still paints. KOLLER : Il est juste un peu dur. RENEE : On le boira plus tard pour se remettre de nos émotions. KOLLER : On serait peut-être mieux sur le canapé. (He starts to undress himself). TOM (coms) : Renée...Almost there. RENEE : (To Koller) habilles-toi on s'en va. Je dois trouver Anna Espinosa et tu vas m'aider à le faire. KOLLER : Je ne comprends pas. Tom finishes the painting. RENEE : Je te prends en otage KOLLER : Quoi ? Mais tu es folle ? RENEE : Ah tu penses ça oui ? Quoi qu'il en soit tu viens avec moi. He puts a plastic charge on the square. KOLLER : Les gardes, mes gardes ils vont te tuer. RENEE : T'inquiètes pas on ne passera pas par là. KOLLER : Tu es folle. TOM (coms) : . Three, two... Renée catches Koller and pushes him on the ground. Tom blows a square hole into the house. Tom pushes the rest on the wall in order to get inside the room. RENEE : Espèce de... garce. (Renée kicks him) (To Tom) I hate that word. TOM : I'll remember that. Tom gets Koller. LOS ANGELES. Jack and Nadia follow Sloane. NADIA: You finally got the Ford hybrid. JACK: Electric. It comes in handy when you have to be quiet. Regardless of what we find, I believe your father's feelings for you are genuine. NADIA: I wish that was enough for him... JACK: Sloane's not the only family you have, you know. NADIA: Thank you. A car follows Sloane's car and together they gets to a storage facility. JACK: What are you doing? NADIA: We can't see anything from here. Nadia gets out of the car to follow. SLOANE: (To an other man) All right. She watches him enter the unit and take a suitcase. The door is shut and she watches the codes being implemented. The two cars leave. Nadia goes to the door and tries to find the code. Jack joins her. JACK: What were they saying? NADIA: I couldn't make it out. (She tries the code) We're in. Sloane took something from in here. When she and Jack enter the unit all they find are the things Sloane had stored for Nadia. JACK: Clothes? NADIA: Mine. These are my things. JACK: He was getting them for you. NADIA: I don't know what the rest of this is. JACK: Findings from clinical trials. NADIA: Trials for what? JACK: Studies from a facility in Barcelona. It appears that I've misjudged your father. ZURICH. Renee and Tom interrogate Moritz Koller. KOLLER: Help! Dear God, someone! Anyone! Help! TOM: Are you done yet? KOLLER: Please, I don't know what you want from me. RENEE: We want information about Anna Espinosa. KOLLER: I I... I can't help you. TOM: Yes, you can. We know she hired you to decode a message in this. KOLLER: I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about. Anna who? Renée takes a knife and puts it on Koller's neck. Tom approches him. TOM: I know you're trying to do right by your client. But you and I both know you are not cut out to withstand extended interrogation. You're just some unlucky bookworm who's in way over his head. KOLLER: Please, don't hurt me!. RENEE: Then stop screaming and talk! KOLLER: I have a meet set with Anna tomorrow... in Ghana. TOM: She knows what the message was? KOLLER: No. I want to get paid. RENEE: Why wouldn't she pay you? KOLLER: Anna doesn't like bad news. The document... it's a fake. Very well done, but...but a fake. LOS ANGELES APO. Sydney phones to Tom. SYDNEY: And you believe him? TOM: He has no reason to lie. He found a small amount of titanium dioxide in the pigment. SYDNEY: Well, that means the document can't be older than 10 years. TOM: Give or take a decade. How do you want to proceed? SYDNEY: We keep the meet. We can still use Moritz and the counterfeit page to bait Anna. TOM: Guess I'll see you in Ghana. And the real one where is it? LOS ANGELES. SLOANE'S HOUSE. Sloane opens his suitcase and takes out the real page 47. He starts to study it. When he hears the doorbell rings, he quickly hides the page underneath a mat. SLOANE: Nadia... NADIA: I'm sorry. I should have called. SLOANE: No, of course not. I...I thought you were staying at Sydney's. NADIA: Sydney went to Ghana. They're going after Anna. That's not the reason I'm here. I was hoping I could stay with you. Maybe we can take some time, get to know each other again, if it's okay. SLOANE: How could you even ask that? Come in, sweetheart. Nadia enters the house. Some time after, in the living room. NADIA: This is my favourite sweater. SLOANE: I remembered. (He gives a Chamomile to Nadia) NADIA: Thank you. Chamomile. You remembered that, too. SLOANE: I need to admit something to you. I didn't think you'd want to be with me at all. Especially not after what my actions caused for you. NADIA: I've been quite angry. SLOANE: Well, you have every right to be angry. Nadia, when I first met you, I didn't know how to be a father. I assumed it meant being needed. And then I saw you lying in the hospital in that bed, and I realized something. I realized that I need you more than you will ever need me. I'm sorry. I...I promised myself I wouldn't put any pressure on you. NADIA: It's no pressure. SLOANE: Dinner's almost ready. NADIA: You need some help? SLOANE: No. Sloane goes off, leaving her alone. She moves into his study, looking for scissors to cut her hospital bracelet. She spots a piece of old parchment on his desk. She pulls out Page 47 unable to believe it. He enters the room to see her with the page SLOANE: Let me explain. Nadia, you're going to have to trust me. NADIA: You said it was over. SLOANE: No, it's not what it looks like. NADIA: You've been lying all along. SLOANE: Look, I handed everything over to the D.S.R. except for that page. I couldn't part with it. I I'd spent so much time... NADIA : I don't want more excuses. Just talking about Rambaldi, your face, your voice it all changes. This obsession you have SLOANE: No, it's not an obsession. It's faith. NADIA: Do you have any idea what your faith cost me? What did you think, that I was sleeping peacefully? The last 12 months were an extended nap? I heard people talking. I felt tubes being shoved down my throat. I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. But I felt everything, so forgive me if I don't have much tolerance for your faith. SLOANE: Nadia, please! You have to understand. NADIA: I'm done trying to understand you! You have to make a choice. Either me or this. SLOANE: Please, don't make me choose between the two most important things in my life. NADIA: I suppose then you'll lose us both. Nadia throws the page into the fire. SLOANE: No! Suddenly we see the sign of <O> on the page. SLOANE: My god, the message! I see it. NADIA: You're not getting it! SLOANE: Get out of my way! NADIA: No, you can't have it! I won't let you! Stop, please! Stop it! SLOANE: Nadia, move! He throws her to one side, picking the page out from the fire. There is, at the same time, a crash as Nadia falls onto a glass coffee table. With the page in his hand, Sloane turns in horror to see Nadia dying. SLOANE: No. Sloane gets to Nadia. SLOANE: Nadia. A shard of glass deeply imbedded in her throat, causing her to bleed out... to death. LOS ANGELES. APO. Marshall explique le plan de la mission à Jack. MARSHALL: Okay, now this place crazy crowded. I'm not talking about mall crowded, I'm saying like people, cars, goats. JACK: That's why Anna chose it hard to survey. What's the plan? How are we apprehending her? MARSHALL : (Using Mitchell's toys, he illustrates how they are going to catch Anna) Visual aids here. Courtesy of Mitchell. (He takes a car) Vrouumm vrouum... Okay, uh, well, we have Anna, who will be arriving on the main road right here. Now, uh, let's see. (He takes two little toys) Dixon and Rachel will be stationed right here. JACK : Are the exits secured? MARSHALL : Yeah. (He takes a truck) Tom will be cutting off the back, and... (He takes a playmobil) Sydney will... sorry, Syd...will be at the entrance. So here comes Anna... JACK : Okay, thank you. Notify me when they have her in custody. MARSHALL : Well, I wasn't done with the... JACK : It's fine. Thank you. MARSHALL: The car was... JACK : I get it. GHANA. On a marketplace full of people. Sydney is with Renee. SYDNEY: Everybody's getting set up. When you see Anna, you'll take her out with this. RENEE: government Issue. I never thought I'd have one of these. SYDNEY: Don't get too excited. It's only a tranq gun. RENEE: That's too bad. SYDNEY: Have you give any more thought to my offer about APO? RENEE: Yeah, I work better on my own schedule. SYDNEY: When are you going to start trusting me? RENEE: I trust you. It's everyone else that's the problem. SYDNEY: Okay, go. Tom arrives in a truck. Renée gets on the roof with a sniper rifle. Rachel is inside the marketplace. JEWELLER: Beautiful jewellery for a beautiful lady. RACHEL: No cash, sorry. I'm a starving student. Dixon is in a restaurant and a waitress brings him food. Sydney walks inside the marketplace. Koller drinks something and Rachel comes to see him. He seems anxious. RACHEL: Is everything all right? KOLLER: Wonderful, considering I might get killed today. RACHEL: Relax. We've got you covered. Rachel observes Dixon who is behind. Renée gives some money to a guy and gets in a room upside. She looks at the windows. The position seems good. RENEE: This will be fine. Thank you. Renée prepares his gun. She observes Koller with the lunette. Tom gets out of the truck. We see briefly Dixon, then Sydney. A green car arrives on the marketplace. SYDNEY (coms): Target approaching. RENEE (coms): Copy. (She sees the car). DIXON (coms): Copy that. A car arrives in front of the terrace and stops. Koller looks at it. RENEE (coms): What's going on? She's not getting out. DIXON (coms): Something's not right. SYDNEY (coms): Hold your positions. The car stArts again. DIXON (coms): They're retreating. The car terrorizes the market where the meet was to take place. RENEE (coms): I've lost visual. DIXON (coms): Don't let her escape! Repeat, Anna's cars headed toward the entrance! SYDNEY (coms): Rachel, follow the car. RACHEL (coms): Copy that. SYDNEY (coms): Renée, block off the back alleys. DIXON (coms): She knows it's an ambush! TOM (coms): Someone tipped her off. Sydney runs at the car and fires at the front glass. The car crashes inside a stand and stops. When the agents get to the car, Anna is not there. SYDNEY (coms): She's not here. Repeat Anna is not in the car. RENEE (coms): Copy. (Renée leaves her position). DIXON (coms): She must have gotten out. Let's search the perimeter. Renee does catch up with Sydney (with other clothes), but is in shock seeing her almost seconds after talking to her. RENEE: Sydney. Anna (Sydney's clone) draws a knife and slashes Renee's throat. SLOANE VOICE OVER: A few days ago, I was absolutely horrified that you would suggest I would turn against A.P.O., that I would kill my own daughter. I realize now that both were inevitable, that death is a necessary sacrifice, necessary to complete the final leg of this journey. I have been preparing for this my whole life. I knew it was coming. I have betrayed everyone I ever loved, but I was chosen... LOS ANGELES. APO. (During Sloane's voiceover) Marshall tells Jack that Nadia is dead. By the time Sydney finds Renée, She finds her dead. Meanwhile Jack has found Nadia in Sloane's home. He has a letter from Sloane explaining. AIRPORT. Sloane joins Ehrmann. EHRMANN: We appreciate what you've done. SLOANE: And this is my road to follow. EHRMANN: Welcome back. Both get in the prophet5's jet. Sloane looks outside and boards a plane (painted black) and the door closes.

Plan: A: Sloane; Q: Who smothers Nadia to death? A: a hypodermic needle; Q: What does Prophet 5 give Sloane? A: Rambaldi; Q: What is the name of the drug that Sloane uses to revive Nadia? A: Nadia's comatose condition; Q: What condition does Sloane cure Nadia of? A: 30 seconds; Q: How long must Nadia be dead for the drug to work? A: Anna Espinosa; Q: Who is the APO team hunting? A: Renée; Q: Who seduces and later interrogates an old contact? A: Jaipur; Q: Where did Sydney and Renée track Anna's movements? A: a clever deception; Q: What does Renee use to allow Sydney to complete the mission? A: her hospital bed; Q: Where was Nadia killed? A: Jack; Q: Who arrives to find Nadia dead? A: euthanasia; Q: What does Jack think Sloane is doing when he smothers Nadia? A: year-long; Q: How long was Nadia in a coma? A: Barcelona - location; Q: Where did Sloane say he got the cure? A: Prophet Five - Jack; Q: Who gets suspicious when Sloane says he got the cure through contacts in Barcelona? A: continued anger; Q: What does Nadia feel towards her father? A: his past actions; Q: Nadia is still angry with her father for what? A: the end of Season 4; Q: At the end of what season does Nadia choose to live with Sydney and the baby instead of Sloane? A: France; Q: Where does Renee seduce an old contact? A: Page 47; Q: What page does Sloane find in the suitcase? A: a possible Prophet Five rendezvous; Q: What is Jack about to follow Sloane to? A: Nadia's old clothes; Q: What was in the suitcase that Sloane recovered? A: Ghana; Q: Where does Renée's contact meet Anna? A: ambush; Q: What does the APO team wait in? A: the last second; Q: When the vehicle containing Anna speeds off, it happens at what moment? A: the driver; Q: Who does Sydney kill? A: a sniper rifle; Q: What weapon was Renée waiting with? A: a knife; Q: What does Anna pull on Renée? A: Renée's throat; Q: Who does Anna slash? A: amends; Q: What does Nadia intend to make with her father? A: years; Q: How long was Nadia in a coma? A: the fireplace; Q: What does Nadia attempt to destroy the document in? A: the Rambaldi symbol; Q: What begins to glow on the page? A: a glass table; Q: What does Nadia fall through? A: a shard; Q: What kills Nadia? A: Rambaldi's endgame; Q: What does Sloane join Prophet Five to await? A: Nadia's dead body; Q: What does Jack discover? Summary: His obligations to Prophet 5 complete, the organization gives Sloane a hypodermic needle containing a Rambaldi-designed drug that will cure Nadia's comatose condition. But there is a price; in order for the drug to work, Nadia must be rendered clinically dead for 30 seconds. Elsewhere, the hunt for Anna Espinosa continues, with APO unaware that she is now a duplicate of Sydney. Sydney and Renée attempt to track Anna's movements during a ruse at a call centre in Jaipur; after Renée uses a clever deception to allow Sydney to complete the mission, Sydney offers her a job at APO. Renée refuses. Later, Sloane smothers Nadia to death in her hospital bed; Jack arrives and, thinking Sloane is committing euthanasia, nearly prevents him from administering Rambaldi's drug in time, but Nadia is successfully revived with no apparent ill effects from her year-long coma. When Sloane says he got the cure through contacts in Barcelona - location of the headquarters of Prophet Five - Jack gets suspicious. Later, Nadia is reunited with Sydney, but still harboring continued anger towards her father for his past actions, particularly at the end of Season 4, chooses to live with Sydney and the baby instead of Sloane. In France, Renée seduces and later interrogates an old contact who has been given Rambaldi's Page 47 to decipher, but learns the artifact is a fake. Back in Los Angeles, Jack is about to follow Sloane to a possible Prophet Five rendezvous when Nadia appears and asks to go along. The rendezvous instead appears to involve Sloane recovering a suitcase full of Nadia's old clothes from a storage locker. Jack admits he may have misjudged Sloane. In Ghana, where Renée's contact is to meet with Anna, the APO team waits in ambush, but the vehicle apparently containing Anna speeds off at the last second. When Sydney kills the driver it's discovered that Anna has again escaped. Nearby, Renée has been waiting with a sniper rifle to shoot a tranquilizer dart into Anna; called off the mission, she is about to leave her hiding place when she encounters Anna, who looking like Sydney, pulls a knife and slashes Renée's throat. Back in L.A., Sloane opens the suitcase he retrieved and under a pile of clothing is the original Page 47. As he examines it, Nadia arrives, intending to make amends with her father. But when she discovers that he has Page 47, years of resentment over his obsession with Rambaldi's prophecies boil over and she attempts to destroy the document in the fireplace. The paper, however, does not burn; instead the Rambaldi symbol <o> begins to glow on the page. In a desperate move to rescue the page from the flames, Sloane pushes Nadia away. She falls through a glass table with a shard slitting her throat and killing her. Sloane, realizing this must be part of his destiny, joins Prophet Five to await Rambaldi's endgame as Jack discovers Nadia's dead body.

Act One. THE JOB Scene One - KACL The Frasier Crane Show. Dr. Frasier Crane, the host, is at his console, admonishing a caller; Roz Doyle, his call-screener, is in her booth. Frasier: [firmly] Listen to yourself, Bob! You follow her to work, you eavesdrop on her calls, you open her mail. The minute you started doing these things, the relationship was over! [polite] Thank you for your call. [presses a button; to Roz] Roz, I think we have time for one more? Roz speaks in a soothing radio voice. Roz: Yes, Dr Crane. On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland. Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Russell. This is Dr Frasier Crane; I'm listening. Russell: [v.o.] Well, I've been feeling sort of, uh, you know, depressed lately. [Roz looks at the clock] My life's not going anywhere and-and, er, it's not that bad. It's just the same old apartment, same old job... Roz taps on the glass of her booth and motions Frasier to wrap it up. Frasier: Er, Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour. Let me see if I can cut to the chase by using myself as an example. Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of... hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks! [laughs] I took action, Russell. And you can, too. Move, change, do something; if it's a mistake, do something else. Will you do that, Russell? Will you? Russell...? [to Roz] I think we lost him. Roz: No, we cut to the news thirty seconds ago. Frasier: [annoyed; rips off his headphones] Oh, for crying out loud! I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle, and they're listening to Chopper Dave's "Rush-Hour Round-Up!" He gets up and enters Roz's booth. She is busy with administrative stuff. Frasier: Well, the rest of the show was pretty good. [Roz says nothing] It was a, a good show, wasn't it? Roz: [tears him a piece of notepaper] Here, your brother called. Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance." Don't change the subject, tell me what you think. Roz: [points at her console] Did I ever tell you what this little button does? Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today? Roz: [turns her chair to face him] Let's see... you dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry - with the identity crisis - as "Jeff." Frasier considers the criticism. He decides to handle it with avoidance. Frasier: [takes the notepaper] You say my brother called... Roz: Mmm-hmm. Frasier leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] THE BROTHER Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa Frasier is at the bar, reading a menu. Niles Crane, his younger brother, is standing next to him recounting a story. Niles: So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi, I do not want a Zen garden in my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes to maintain my inner harmony, I'll move to Yokohama." Well, this offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellias. Well, I couldn't stand for that, so I marched right into the morning room and locked the door until he cooled down. Frasier has been nodding his head, but he has obviously not been listening. Niles: Tell me you would have handled it differently, Frasier. Frasier: [looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, I didn't realise you'd stopped talking. Niles: You haven't heard a word I said. Frasier: Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist - you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives. Niles: Touché. And on that subject, I heard your show today. Frasier: And? Niles: You know what I think about pop psychiatry. Frasier: Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought? Niles: I'm having one now. They share a chuckle. The waitress behind the bar comes over. Niles takes his briefcase off the bar and goes to an empty table nearby. Waitress: You guys ready? Frasier: Two cafe latte supremos. He goes to the table, and watches Niles obsessively wipe his chair dowm with a handkerchief. Niles offers the handkerchief to Frasier. Frasier: No, thank you. They sit down. Niles: So, Frasier. How are you doing on your own? Frasier: I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude. I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know, he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer team now. Ha, he's a chip off the old block! Niles: You hated sports. Frasier: So does he! [laughs] The fresh air's good for him. Niles: [laughs] Oh well, this has been fun, Frasier, but... we have a problem, and that's why I thought we should talk. Frasier: Is it Dad? Niles: Afraid so. One of his old buddies from the police force called this morning. He went over to see him, and found him on the bathroom floor. Frasier: Oh my God! Niles: No, it's okay, he's fine. Frasier: What, his hip again? Niles: Frasier, I don't think he can live alone anymore. Frasier: What can we do? Niles: Well, I know this isn't going to be anyone's favourite solution, [opens his briefcase] but I took the liberty of checking out a few convalescent homes for him. [puts some brochures on the table] Frasier: Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man! Niles: Well, you certainly can't take care of him - you're just getting your new life together. Frasier: Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico. Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him. Frasier: Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why? Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris. Frasier: Who does? Niles: I thought you liked my Maris! Frasier: I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth. Niles: Well then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad. [reads a brochure] "Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To." Frasier: It says that? Niles: Well, it might as well! Frasier: Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom. Niles: Oh, you're a good son, Frasier. Frasier: Oh God, I am, aren't I? Downcast, he cradles his head in one hand. The waitress arrives with their coffees. Waitress: Two cafe supremos. Anything to eat? Frasier: [depressed] No. I seem to have lost my appetite. Niles: [perky] I'll have a large piece of cheesecake! Frasier glares at Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] THE FATHER Scene Three - Apartment [N.B. The Apartment set was built on the same soundstage at Paramount Studios that housed the set of "Cheers."] Frasier is playing the piano. The doorbell rings; he stops playing, shuts the keyboard lid, and disconsolately trudges to the door. Just before opening it, he casts a melodramatic gaze over his apartment: the last moment of solitude. Then, he opens the door. Frasier: [upbeat] Hi! [laughs] Niles enters; he is carrying two suitcases. Niles: We finally made it! Martin Crane, their father, hobbles in on a cane. He does not look at all enthusiastic. Frasier: Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home! [hugs Martin] Gee, you look great! Martin: Don't B.S. me, I do not look great. I spent Monday on the bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face. [sits on the couch] Niles: [to Frasier] Gives you some idea about the ride over in the car. [puts down the suitcases] Frasier: Well, er, here we are... Martin, who has propped his leg on a table, accidentally kicks a glass ornament off of the side; Frasier catches it. Frasier: Well, rest assured the refrigerator is stocked with your favourite beer, Ballantines, [places the glass ornament on a small folding table] and we've got plenty of hot links and coleslaw... Niles: Mmm! Frasier: And I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later! Martin: Let's cut the "Welcome To Camp Crane" speech. We all know why I'm here. Your old man can't be left alone for ten minutes without falling on his ass, and Frasier got stuck with me. Isn't that right? Frasier and Niles glance uncomfortably at each other. Frasier/Niles: [laughing] No, no! Frasier: I want you here! It'll give us a chance to get reacquainted! Martin: That implies we were acquainted at one point. Niles fakes some chuckles, Frasier glares at him. Niles: Well listen, [picks up the suitcases] why don't I take Dad's things into his new bachelor quarters so you two scoundrels can plan some hijinks! He leaves. Martin: I think that wife of his is finally driving him nutso. Frasier: Yes, we Crane boys sure know how to marry. [goes to the kitchen] Let me get you a beer, Dad. So, ah, what do you think of what I've done with the place, eh? [returns and sits on the couch, handing a beer to Martin] You know, every item here was carefully selected. This lamp by Corbusier, the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier. Martin: Nothing matches. Frasier: Well, it's a, it's a style of decorating, it's called "eclectic." [off Martin's look] Well, the theory behind it is, if you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't matter if they match - they will go together. Martin: It's your money. The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up; as he goes to the door, he gestures at the view of the Seattle skyline offered by the balcony windows. Frasier: Dad, what do you think of the view? Hey, that's the Space Needle there! Martin: Oh, thanks for pointing that out. Being born and raised here, I never would have known. Frasier chafes briefly; then, he opens the door to a delivery man, who has with him an old, battered, and aesthetically unpleasing Barcalounger. Man: Delivery for Martin Crane. Martin: Oh, in here! [gets up] Man: Coming through! He quickly wheels The Armchair into the room. Frasier and Niles (who has returned) look on aghast at this latest addition to the apartment's luxury furnishings. Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me, wait a minute- Man: Where d'you want it? Martin: Where's the TV? Niles: [points] It's in that credenza. Martin: Point it at that thing. Man: [sees a designer chair in the way] What about this chair? Niles: Ah, the chair? Here, let me get it out of your way. He lifts it away carelessly, and it is replaced by The Armchair. Frasier: [shocked] Niles, Niles, Niles, be careful with that, that's a Wassily! The delivery man leaves. Martin sits in The Armchair, newly installed as the centrepiece of the apartment. Frasier: Oh look, Dad, as dear as I'm sure this, this piece is to you I, I just don't think it goes with anything here! Martin: I know, it's eclectic! He reclines, knocking over the small folding table; Frasier rescues the glass ornament again, and rights the table. Frasier: Niles, Niles, will you help me out here? Martin: Ah, you're gonna have to run an extension cord over here so I can plug in the vibrating part. Frasier: Oh yes, that will be the crowning touch. Niles quickly heads for the door. Niles: Well, now that you two are settled in, I've got to run. I'm late for my dysfunctional family seminar. He is halfway out of the apartment before he remembers something... Niles: Dad, have you mentioned Eddie yet? Frasier: [horrified] Eddie? Niles: Ta-ta! [closes the door] Frasier: Oh no, Dad, no, no! Not Eddie! Martin: But he's my best friend! Get me my beer, would you? Frasier: [fetches the beer] But he's weird! He gives me the creeps! All he does is stare at me. Martin: Ah, it's just your imagination. Frasier: No Dad, no! No, I'm sorry, but I am putting my foot down. Eddie is NOT moving in here. [SCENE_BREAK] EDDIE Scene Four - Apartment -Night The lights are off. Martin is in his chair, eating a hot link and watching the Charles Bronson movie; sounds of mindless violence can be heard emanating from the TV. The camera pans over to the couch, where an uncomfortable-looking Frasier is seated. Perched next to Frasier is Eddie - a wire-haired Jack Russell terrier. Eddie stares at Frasier. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene Five - Cafe Nervosa. Niles has just been served his coffee; Frasier rushes in. Frasier: [anxious] Niles, there you are! I'm sorry I'm late; just as I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch by the glow of a small kitchen fire! Oh Niles, this last week with Dad, it's, it's been a living hell! When I'm there, I feel like my territory's being violated; when I'm not, I'm worried about what he's up to. Look at me, [shows Niles his shaky hands] I'm a nervous wreck! I've got to do something to calm down. [goes to the bar] Double espresso, please! Niles, you don't still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you? Niles: Of course I do. Don't forget, Maris is five years older than I am. But you really think that's necessary? Frasier: I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore. Tuesday night I gave up my tickets to the theatre, Wednesday it was the symphony... [gets his coffee] Niles: That reminds me, weren't you going to the opera on Friday? Frasier: Yes, here. [hands him some tickets] Niles: Thank you. Frasier: Niles, you don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could... Niles: Funny you should mention that. Maris and I were just discussing this. We feel we should do more to share the responsibility. Frasier: You mean you'd take him in? Niles: [laughs incredulously] Dear God, no! But we would be willing to help you pay for a home care worker. Frasier: A what? Niles: You know, someone who cooks and cleans and can help Dad with his physical therapy. Frasier: These angels exist? Niles: I know of an agency - let me arrange for them to send a few people over to meet with you. Frasier: Niles, I can't thank you enough! I, I, I feel this overwhelming urge to hug you! Niles: Remember what Mom always said: "A handshake is as good as a hug." Frasier: Wise woman. They shake hands. [SCENE_BREAK] THE HOME CARE SPECIALIST Scene Six - Apartment A woman is standing in the hallway, talking to Frasier. Frasier: I have never been more impressed with a human being in my life! He closes the door on her. Cut to inside the apartment. Martin is in The Armchair; Eddie is on the couch. Frasier: [angry] Now what was wrong with that one?! Martin: She was casing the joint. Frasier: "Casing the joint!" She spent two years with Mother Teresa! Martin: Well, if I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewellery box! The doorbell rings. Frasier: Oh, this is the last one. Can you please try to keep an open mind? He opens the door to Daphne Moon, a British woman in her twenties. She is adjusting her bra as Frasier opens the door. Daphne: Oh! Hello - caught me with my hand in the biscuit tin! [takes her hand out and shakes Frasier's] I'm Daphne, Daphne Moon. Frasier: Frasier Crane. Please come in. Daphne: Thank you. [enters] Frasier: Er, this is my father, Martin Crane. Dad, this is Daphne Moon. Daphne: Nice to meet you. [sees Eddie] Oh, and who might this be? Frasier: [darkly] That is Eddie. Martin: I call him "Eddie Spaghetti." Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta? Martin: No, he has worms. Frasier: Er, have a seat, Miss Moon. Daphne: Daphne. Thank you. [sees The Armchair and pats it] Oh, will you look at that. What a comfy chair! It's like I always say, start with a good piece and replace the rest when you can afford it. She smiles at Frasier. So does Martin. Daphne sits on the couch. Frasier: Yes. Well, er, perhaps you should start by telling us a little bit about yourself, Miss Moon. Daphne: Well, I'm originally from Manchester, England... Frasier: Oh really, did you hear that, Dad? Martin: I'm three feet away. There's nothing wrong with my hearing. Daphne begins to take all sorts of things out of her bag: a brush, a glass, a sponge - and finally, a piece of paper which she hands to Frasier. Daphne: I've only been in the U.S. for a few months, but I have quite an extensive background in home care and physical therapy, as you can see from my resume. I... [suddenly turns toward Martin] You were a policeman, weren't you? Martin: Yeah - how'd you know? Daphne: I must confess - I'm a bit psychic. It's nothing big, just little things I sense about people. I mean, it's not like I can pick the lottery. If I could, I wouldn't be talking to the likes of you two, now would I? [laughs] Martin is amused; Frasier looks unimpressed. Frasier: Yes. Perhaps I should describe the duties around here. You would be responsible for... Daphne: [suddenly turns towards Frasier] Oh, wait a minute, I'm getting something on you... you're a florist! Martin smiles. Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist. Daphne: Well, it comes and goes. [puts her things back into her bag] Usually, it's strongest during my time of the month. Oh, I guess I let a little secret out there, didn't I? Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned just about all we need to know about you, and a dash extra! [goes to the door] Daphne: [waves her arms at Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you? Daphne and Martin laugh. Frasier: Well, we'll, er, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon. [goes for the door handle] Martin: Oh, why wait? [to Daphne] You've got the job! Daphne: Oh, wonderful! Frasier: [annoyed] Er excuse me, excuse me, aren't you just forgetting a little something here? Don't you think we should talk about this in private? Daphne: Oh, of course you should; I completely understand. [she stands up and shoulders her bag] I'll just pop into the loo - you do have one, don't you? Frasier: Yes. Daphne: Oh, I love America... [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne walks into the powder room. As soon as its door is shut: Frasier: Dad, what do you think you're doing? Martin: You wanted me to pick one, I picked one. Frasier: But she's a kook! I don't like her! Martin: Well, what difference does it make to you? She's only gonna be here when you're not. Frasier: Then... what's my problem? [laughs] Daphne! Daphne returns. Frasier: You've been retained. Daphne: Oh, wonderful! I had a premonition. Frasier: Quelle surprise. Daphne: I'll move my things in tomorrow. Frasier: Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some misunderstanding. Er, this isn't a live-in position. Daphne: Oh, dear. Well the lady at the agency- Frasier: The lady at the agency was wrong; this is just a part-time position. I'm, I'm afraid it just won't work out. Martin: [gets up] Hold on there, Frasier, let's talk about this! Frasier: Dad, there's nothing to discuss! Daphne: You two should talk about this. I'll just pop back in here and enjoy some more of your African erotic art. Frasier: Daphne, Daphne - I think it would be best if you leave. Daphne: Oh well, alright then. [goes to leave] Frasier: Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone then, er, through the toaster. Daphne leaves, allowing tempers to flare. Frasier: Dad, I'm not having another person living in this house! Martin: Give me one good reason why not! Frasier: Well, for one thing, there's no room for her! Martin: What about that room right across the hall from mine? Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study - the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking? Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world! You'll adjust! Frasier: [angry] I don't want to adjust! I've done enough adjusting! I'm in a new city, I've got a new job, I'm separated from my little boy, which in itself is enough to drive me nuts. And now my father and his dog are living with me! Well, that's enough on my plate, thank you. The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it! Martin: Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden. Frasier: Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden in its most positive sense! Martin: As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?" Frasier: Something like that, yes! Martin: Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know. Two years ago I'm sailing toward retirement and some punk robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these. [shakes his cane] Well, I had plans too, you know! And this may come as a shock to you, sonny boy, but one of them wasn't living with you. Frasier: I'm just trying to do the right thing, here. I'm trying to be the good son. Martin: Oh, don't worry, son. After I'm gone you can live guilt-free, knowing you've done right by your pop. Frasier: You think that's what this is about, guilt? Martin: Isn't it? Frasier: Of course it is! But the point is, I did it! I took you in! And I've got news for you - I wanted to do it! [on the verge of tears] Because you're my father. And how do you repay me? Ever since you've moved in here it's been a snide comment about this or a smart little put-down about that. [grabs his coat and goes to the door] Well, I've done my best to make a home here for you, and once, just once, would it have killed you to say "thank you?" One lousy "thank you?" Long pause as Frasier waits expectantly, and Martin looks thoughtful. Martin: [to Eddie] Come on, Eddie, it's past your dinner time. Eddie jumps off the couch and follows Martin into the kitchen. Frasier: I'm going out. He leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] LUPE VELEZ Scene Seven - KACL The corridor outside Frasier's studio. Frasier tears into the hallway and rushes into the booth. Inside the studio, Roz is in her booth. Frasier slams the door and drops into his chair. Frasier: They have got to move the bathroom closer to the studio! He throws on his headphones just as Roz points to him. Frasier: [polite] We'll be right back after these messages. [off air] Can't I put that on tape?! Roz enters. Roz: What's eating you? Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just this thing with my father and this, this person he wants to hire. I thought I'd started my life with a clean slate. I had picture of what it was going to be like, and then, I don't know... Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez? Frasier: Who? Roz: Lupe Velez - the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her. Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story? Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway. Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet? Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. [beat] Will you ever forget that story? [N.B. In fact, the Los Angeles newspapers reported Lupe's suicide as though she had carried it off as planned; the sordid details were kept quiet and for a long time existed only as rumor.] She returns to her booth and cues him. He puts his headphones on; everything from now onwards is on the air. Frasier: We're back. Roz, who's our next caller? Roz: We have Martin on line one. He's having a problem with his son. Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Martin. This is Dr. Frasier Crane; I'm listening. Martin: [v.o.] I'm a first-time caller. Pause as Frasier realises that the caller is his father. Frasier: Welcome to the show. How can I help you? Martin: I've just moved in with my son and er, it ain't working. There's a lot of tension between us. Frasier: I can imagine. Why do you think that's so? Martin: I guess I didn't see he had a whole new life planned for himself, and I kinda got in the way. Frasier: Well, these things are a two-way street. Perhaps your son wasn't sensitive enough to see how your life was changing. Martin: [suddenly loud] You got that right! I've been telling him that since I got there! Frasier: I'm sure he appreciated your candour. Martin: Well, maybe sometimes I oughta just learn how to keep my trap shut. Frasier: That's good advice for us all. Anything else? Martin: Yeah, I'm worried my son doesn't know that I really appreciate what he's doing for me. Frasier: Why don't you tell him? Martin: Well, you know how it is with fathers and sons, it... I have trouble saying that stuff. Frasier: Well, if it helps, I suspect your son already knows how you feel. Is that all? Martin: Yeah, I guess that's it. Thank you, Dr Crane. Frasier: My pleasure, Martin. Martin: [suddenly loud again] Did you hear what I said? I said "thank you!" Frasier: Yes, I heard. He presses a button to disconnect Martin. Roz: Dr Crane, we have Claire on line four. She's having a problem getting over a relationship. Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Claire. I'm listening. Claire: [distraught] I'm a, well, I'm a mess! Eight months ago my boyfriend and I broke up, and I just can't get over it. The pain isn't going away. It's almost like I'm in mourning or something. Frasier: Claire, you are in mourning. But you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend. You're mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things don't always work out how you planned; that's not necessarily bad. Things have a way of working out anyway. [pause] Have you ever heard of Lupe Velez? He gives Roz a glance as we FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's apartment. The whole gang is watching the TV. Martin is in The Armchair; on the couch, Daphne occupies the left seat, Frasier has the right seat and is trying to read something, and Eddie is in the middle, staring at Frasier. Suddenly, Eddie places a paw on Frasier's thigh.

Plan: A: Seattle; Q: Where does Frasier move to? A: his life; Q: What is Frasier trying to restart? A: his painful divorce; Q: What has recently happened to Dr. Frasier Crane? A: His independence; Q: What is compromised by his father moving in? A: Frasier's apartment; Q: Where does Martin move to? Summary: Dr. Frasier Crane, formerly of Boston, has recently arrived back in his birthplace of Seattle to restart his life following his painful divorce. His independence is soon compromised by the fact that his father, Martin, is incapable of living by himself and must move into Frasier's apartment.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Raj: So, couldn't help but notice none of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party. Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that. Raj: No, you weren't because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you. Sheldon: I don't think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing. Amy: We're sorry, Rajesh. Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week. Howard: Whoa, whoa, we're not that sorry. Raj: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties. Leonard: Great. Sheldon: Thank you. Howard: Hallelujah. Raj: Because I've got something even better planned. Leonard: Aw. Howard: Why? Sheldon: Come on. Raj: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T. Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there. Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too. Howard: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college. Sheldon: That's amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too. Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge, trying to find someone to be on a team with me. I guess that story's more sad than funny. Penny: I love scavenger hunts. My friends and I had them all the time. Leonard: Oh, these are a little different. There's a tradition at elite universities... Howard: And Princeton. Leonard: A tradition of hunts full of puzzles that rely on logic and obscure knowledge, science. Penny: Oh, in ours we would just run around town looking for a store that would sell us beer. Raj: So, uh, who's in? Leonard: I think it sounds fun. Amy: Yeah, me, too. Various: I'm in, let's do it. Sheldon: I'm sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party? Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: What's all this? Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt. Leonard: You really think he's gonna send us to a bowling alley? Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams. Raj: Okay, everybody. Who's ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I've hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p... (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins. Sheldon: He is a born showman. Raj: Any questions? Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start? Leonard: It's not funny. Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It's based on the premise that Princeton isn't a very good school. Leonard: Ha-ha. Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it. Raj: Okay, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two. Bernadette: Should we just do couples? Leonard: Couples sounds great. Or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat. Whatever. Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me. Leonard: I just said, couples sound great. Penny: Mm-hmm, yeah, you don't think I'm smart enough. You think I'm gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah. Leonard: All right, let's, let's do couples. I want to. Penny: No, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we're gonna kick your ass! Sheldon: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team and I'm stuck with the liability? Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability. Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team? Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat. Scene: Penny's apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard's bedroom) Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can't hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it. Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I'd pick your name? Penny: No. Sheldon: It's not hard, one in five. Now you know why I'm pouting. Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me. Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges. Penny: Well, there's no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit. Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time. Howard: Wow, you're really good at puzzles. Amy: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say, when you're doing a puzzle, it's like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that. Howard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's just full of pound cake. Amy: I'm sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette. Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette? Amy: No. Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine? Bernadette: Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast! Leonard: Stop yelling at me. Bernadette: Hey, you'll know when I'm yelling at you. Penny: Ooh, ooh, it's the comic book store. All right, come on, that's where we have to go. Sheldon: But we haven't finished the puzzle. Penny: But, it, it doesn't matter. We know the answer, come on. Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle's complete, there's a sign in the window that says go to the train store? Penny: Okay, it's not gonna say that. Sheldon: Well, I hope you're wrong. I really want to go to the train store. Howard: It's the comic book store. Let's go. Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it's the comic book store. Penny: It's the comic book store, it's the comic book store, it's the comic book store. Sheldon: It's the comic book store. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: Do you think Penny's mad at me? Bernadette: Because you're in the right lane behind a bus and you won't go around it? I'm sure she finds it charming. Leonard: No, because I didn't want her on my team. Bernadette: I'm starting to think she dodged a bullet. The slowest bullet in the world. Leonard: Geez, I never realized you were so competitive. Bernadette: Yeah, I know. Its, it's probably because I grew up with five brothers and sisters so I had to fight for every... Oh, my God, you did not just slow down for a bird, you know they fly, right? Scene: Howard's car. Amy: I think this is the first time we've ever actually been alone together. Howard: Huh, I guess you're right. Wonder why that is? Amy: Well, off the top of my head, I'd say we don't have a lot in common except for the people we're involved with. Plus, when we first met, Penny warned me never to get into a car alone with you. Howard: Yeah. You know, I bet you and I have more in common than we think. Amy: Such as? Howard: I don't know. Tell me some things you like. Amy: Uh, let's see. I like harps, Little House on the Prairie, medieval poetry, medieval literature... Howard: Hey, how about some music? Amy: Great. Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn't want to be mistaken for a gang member. Howard: Find something you like. Amy: Beatles, boring. Eminem, scary. Weird Al? How old are you? Neil Diamond? Howard: Yeah, I love Neil Diamond. Amy: I love Neil Diamond. Both: Sweet Caroline, bum-ba-da, good times never seemed so good, so good, so good, so good. I've been inclined... Scene: The comic book store. Raj: Oh, hey, thanks for letting me use the comic book store as part of the scavenger hunt. Stuart: Oh, my pleasure. Always happy to help out with fun things that I wasn't invited to be a part of. Raj: Oh, congratulations. You're the first team to arrive. Amy: Yes, it's not a ruse to make fun of me. It's a real game and I'm winning it. Raj: Your next puzzle is a riddle. And who better to give it to you than The Riddler? Bernadette: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! How am I faster than you? I'm in heels and I stopped to take a phone call. Leonard: I have asthma. Back off. Howard: Riddle me this. Arrah, Arrah, and gather round, the work of this hero is legion-bound. He multiplies N by the number of He, and in this room the thing you'll see. Raj: Good riddle, huh? Stuart: Yeah. So when you guys plan fun activities, does my name even come up, or...? Raj: I invited you to my murder mystery party. Stuart: No, you didn't. Raj: Oh. Penny: Ugh, we're the last ones here, hurry up. Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint. Penny: People run in a marathon. Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back. Leonard: Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there's no hard feelings. Bernadette: Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time. Leonard: Relax, it's a hard puzzle. It's gonna take a while to solve. Penny: Riddle me this... Sheldon: Got it. Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead. Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks. Howard: Hey, you know what this could mean (whispers). Amy: Oh, oh, that's good. Then this would be (whispers back) Howard: That's it. Amy: To the Neil Mobile. Bernadette: I knew it, we're gonna lose. Leonard: Wait, I got it. I got it/ Bernadette: Congratulations, you got it last. Leonard: You're really mean, you know that? Stuart: So no one's gonna buy anything. Scene: The geology lab at the University. Penny: Aha. Okay, let's see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh. Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks. Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I've got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab? Sheldon: Oh, simple, the 'arrah, 'arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn't the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I'm going with this? Penny: Yes. Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad's ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I'm just funnin' you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth's surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab. Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater. Sheldon: And I'm sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you'll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who's made entirely of... Penny: Shut up. I solved it. Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got 'em. Let's go. Penny: Well, wait. Don't you want to know how I figured it out? Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's car. Howard: On the boats and on the planes. Amy: They're coming to America. Howard: Never looking back again. Amy: They're coming to America... ♪ Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: Um, I'm okay with you driving my car. I'm not okay with you flying my car. Bernadette: Don't sweat it, my dad's a cop. He can fix things. Leonard: Uh-huh. Like death? Bernadette (out of the window): Your kid may be an honour student but you're a moron. Leonard: Penny's not answering my texts. Bernadette: Who cares? Focus on the game. Leonard: This stupid game is why she's mad in the first place. I'm telling her I'm quitting. Bernadette: No. Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship. Leonard: Why? Bernadette: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are. Leonard: What does she think I am? Bernadette: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat. Or a willow. Leonard: I can't believe she would say that about me. Bernadette: If you're gonna cry about it there's tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours. Big willow. Scene: Howard's car. Howard: They're coming to America, They're coming to America. Amy: Today! Howard: Today! Together: Today! Today! Scene: Penny's car. Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet. Penny: Okay. Oh, it's a bowling alley. Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody's. Scene: The geology lab. Howard: Love on the rocks. Amy: Ain't no big surprise. Howard: Just pour me a drink. Amy: And I'll tell you some lies. Scene: The apartment stairwell. Leonard is lowering himself down the lift shaft. Leonard: Call me a lady part. We'll see about that. Bernadette: Can you reach the clue? Leonard: Almost. Bernadette: Hurry, Sheldon and Penny were right behind us in the bowling alley. Leonard: Got it. Bernadette: Great, climb back up. Come on. Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something. Scene: Penny's car. Sheldon: To the planetarium. Penny: Let's go. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: To the tar pits. Bernadette: Let's go. Scene: Howard's car. Amy: There's a Neil Diamond concert next month. Howard: Let's go. Scene: The laundry room. Penny: Three bags, no one's opened 'em. we're the first ones here. Sheldon: It's dirty laundry. You're up. Penny: What? Why me? Sheldon: Because you've been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry. Bernadette: They're here first. This is because you made me slow down for that blind guy. Penny: Okay, the clue must be in the bag. Leonard: The clue must be in the bag. Penny: It's just a bunch of pants. Leonard: It's just a bunch of pants. Penny: You know, I'm surprised you want to copy my answers since I'm not even smart enough to be on your team. Leonard: Well, why would you want to be on someone's team who you like to call a, I can't even say it in front of Sheldon. Penny: What are you talking about? Leonard: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Bernadette: No, she doesn't. I just made that up. Leonard: Why would you do that? Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears. Sheldon: I'm not a child. I know the word ninny. Penny: Yeah, well, you should have quit 'cause I'm still gonna beat your ass. Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team. Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let's do this. Sheldon: Wait, it's not all pants, there's one shirt. Penny: Oh. Sheldon: Hey, that's my shirt. Leonard: This one is, too. Sheldon: No, no, that's not mine. It has a big spot on it. Penny: But wait. So does this one. Bernadette: Maybe the spot's the clue. Penny: Sheldon's spot. The coin is in your spot. Sheldon: Oh, that's clever. Penny (off): Hurry. Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these. Scene: The stairwell. Bernadette: Stop her, Leonard, stop her. Penny: Well, where the hell's the coin? Leonard: Wasn't the answer Sheldon's spot? Raj: Oh, yes, Leonard. Yes, it was. Bernadette: Then where's the coin? Raj: Yes, exactly. Where is the coin? Why don't you look in your pockets? I slipped them in there earlier today. Penny: I don't get it. Raj: Don't you see? When we're all having fun together, we're already winners. Oh, look. See? Even I'm a winner. Leonard: Are you kidding me? Penny: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Bernadette: You suck so hard. Raj: Well, I thought... Come on, I didn't want anyone to feel bad at the end of the game. And some of those puzzles were really hard and I didn't know who was gonna get Penny. Penny: Run. Raj: Okay, okay, that-that came out wrong, but you have to admit, you all had a wonderful time. Penny: Run to India. Raj: I just wanted to do something beautiful. Sheldon (entering): Hey, look. I won. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory, karaoke night. Howard: Hey, she got the way to move me, Cherry, Amy: She got the way to groove me. Howard: Cherry, baby Amy: She got the way to move me, honey. Together: She got the way to groove me. She got the way to move me. Howard: Cherry Together: She got the way to groove me, yeah!

Plan: A: a scavenger hunt; Q: What does Raj create after the gang blows off his murder-mystery party? A: ten clues; Q: How many clues were in the scavenger hunt? A: Leonard; Q: Who suggests picking names out of a hat? A: Sheldon; Q: Who was on Penny's team? A: Pasadena; Q: Where did Penny and Sheldon race around? A: Neil Diamond music; Q: What do Howard and Amy bond over? A: the final stretch; Q: What is the final part of the scavenger hunt called? A: Sheldon's spot; Q: Where was the gold coin hidden? A: all their efforts; Q: Leonard, Penny and Bernadette are angry there is no clear winner despite what? A: The Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where do Howard and Amy sing Neil Diamond songs? Summary: After the gang blows off Raj's murder-mystery party, he creates a scavenger hunt with ten clues to guide the winner to the location of a gold coin. They first propose making each couple a team, but Leonard suggests picking names out of a hat instead. Penny gets angry, assuming Leonard proposed this to avoid being stuck with her. The teams are Sheldon and Penny, Howard and Amy, and Leonard and Bernadette. Penny and Sheldon both do well figuring out clues as they race around Pasadena. Bernadette is very competitive, while Leonard is more worried that Penny is mad at him. Amy and Howard, who have not been alone before, bond over a mutual love of Neil Diamond music. During the final stretch, Leonard, Bernadette and Penny realize that the coin is in Sheldon's spot and races upstairs while hindering the others. Finally, Raj reveals he slipped a gold coin into everyone's pocket so that all would win: his goal was to teach the value of friendship. To his dismay, Leonard, Penny and Bernadette are angry there is no clear winner despite all their efforts, and chase him out of the apartment. Howard and Amy abandon the hunt and sing Neil Diamond songs in The Cheesecake Factory.

ACT ONE Scenes from [10.24] "A New Position for Roz" PREVIOUSLY Julia confronting Roz in her booth. Julia: Are you trying to save Frasier from me, or are you trying to save him for yourself? Roz: Are you out of you out of your mind? Julia: Are you in love with him? [SCENE_BREAK] Roz confronting Frasier at his apartment. Roz: It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God, I will walk out of here and I will not come back! Roz settling into her office at KPXY. Wiswell: There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there? Roz: No. KACL is ancient history. [SCENE_BREAK] SUBSEQUENTLY Scene One - Café Nervosa FADE IN Niles is sitting at a table, Roz comes up. Roz: Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you? Niles: Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have coffee with other people other than my brother, you know. Roz: Good. 'Cause I'm avoiding him. Niles: Oh, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes. Roz sits next to him. Roz: It's about my new job. It's a nightmare! Niles: Didn't you just start today? Roz: Yes. My boss already hit on me, I'm supposed to work nights and weekends, and my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her 'cause she's like three minorities rolled into one. I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit. Niles: Oh yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that. Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it possible you're in love with Frasier? Roz: Absolutely not. Niles: You sound sure. Roz: I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him it would have been two years ago when we slept together. Niles: Well then, another theory I'd like to explore is... HO, back up! You and Frasier slept together? Roz: He didn't tell you? Niles: No... Well, I suppose it's only natural. When the wolf and the lamb work together, it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way. I hope you were gentle with him. Roz: Just promise you won't tell him I told you. Niles: I promise, I promise. So, you're not in love. But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis. As a psychiatrist... Roz: I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip. Niles: All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened. Roz: That's perfect! Thanks! She gets up from the table. Niles: No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be... Roz: I know. Talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again. She heads out, passing Martin and Daphne just outside. Daphne: Oh, hello, Roz. Martin: Hey, Roz. Daphne and Martin come in. She is holding a shopping bag. Daphne: Hello Darling. Niles: Hey, you. They kiss. Daphne: Well, we're all set. I got us a home pregnancy test, a basal body thermometer and ovulation kit. Martin sits down. Niles: Oh, that's perfect. I can upload all your data into this fertility program I bought. Martin: You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive. [to the waiter] Two coffees, please. Since when do you need a chemistry set to have a baby? Daphne: I hear an "In my day..." coming. Martin: In my day it was simple: girl would put on something slinky, guy comes home, has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin on the Hi-Fi and bim-bam-boom, you're lightin' a Lucky. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Oh, Dad, Daphne. Hi. Niles, I've got to cancel our date, I have to meet Roz's replacement over at the station before the show. He notices the layout on the table. Frasier: What's this? Are you pregnant? Daphne: Not yet, but we're trying. Frasier: Oh, well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth? Niles: Of course. We're not animals. Daphne: We're very excited. Niles: Yes, we were up half the night imagining life with our first child. Frasier: Yes, well, first child you know about. Daphne: What does that mean? Frasier: Hmm? Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne. I was just referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank. Surely you told her about it. Niles looks flustered and is unable to speak as Daphne gives him a sharp glance. Frasier: Off I go. He exits. Daphne: You sold your sperm? Niles: Well, it was when I was home from medical school. I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to a sperm bank... Martin: Would you stop using that word?! Say "s." Niles: I sold my "s" to earn some money so I could buy Dad a Christmas present. Martin: Which present? Niles: The fishing pole. Martin: You bought that with "s" money? Daphne: Why didn't you tell me? The waiter brings their coffees. Niles: Oh, it was such a long time ago it completely slipped my mind. You're not really upset, are you? Martin: Well of course I am! That was my favorite pole. Daphne: I just thought this would be the first child for both of us. You could be a daddy already. There could be dozens of little Niles Cranes running around. [points to a man] HE could be your son. [points to another] Or HIM. Niles: Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I only went down there one time. It's entirely possible they never used my sample. An Impossibly Handsome Man comes over to the table. Man: Can I borrow your sugar? Daphne: Yeah. Niles watches the youth, fascinated. Niles: I better look into this. [SCENE_BREAK] SHE'S ACK-BAY Scene Two - KACL FADE IN Kenny and Frasier come into the hallway outside the producer's booth, where a young lady is at the console. Kenny: There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, Doc, she's uh, in a eelchair-way. Frasier: Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin? Kenny shrugs and leads Frasier into the booth. Kenny: Doctor Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana Willoughby, queen of the sound booth. Frasier: Hello, Dana. Dana: Oh, it's my pleasure. Frasier: Likewise, I'm sure. Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know, please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you. He notices Julia in the hallway. Dana: You know, actually, there was one... Frasier: Will you excuse me? He hurries out. Reset to: the hallway. Frasier: Julia! Julia: Oh, hi, Frasier. Frasier: Listen, we still on for dinner at Chez Henri tonight? Julia: Of course. Do you have reservations? Frasier: Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky. They laugh. Dana calls over the intercom. Dana: Ten seconds, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Listen, why don't you stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first? Julia: I'll see you at seven. Frasier: Okay. He hurries to his desk and punches the mike up. He starts talking even as he's putting on his headset. Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is: new beginnings. I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family. CUT TO: the hallway. Kenny is at the vending machine and Roz walks past. Roz: Hey, Kenny. Sorry I'm late. Kenny: Hey, Roz... Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here? Roz: I work here! Kenny: You quit. Roz: Oh, come on, Kenny. If I quit, would I be here? Who's that? Kenny: I'm sorry, I hired her because I thought... didn't you quit? Roz: Kenny, what's wrong with you? Never mind. I'll fix it, like always. Kenny: Oh, thanks, Roz. I owe you one. He hurries off. CUT TO: the booth as Roz comes in. Frasier: As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle, has left us for greener pastures. Through the window, we can see Roz taking off Dana's headset and pulling her away from the console. Frasier doesn't notice. Frasier: You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess, but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit. Behind him we see Dana shoved, arms flailing, down the hallway. Frasier: Very well, then, the beginning of a new era. Let's go to our first caller. Roz: [back at her console] We have Scott on line two. Frasier rears back in shock, knocking his headset off. Roz just smiles at him. [SCENE_BREAK] THE S BANK Scene Three - The S Bank Niles is standing in the waiting area, a nurse (Karen) is at the counter. Karen: Niles Crane? Niles steps up. Karen: Hi. I'll get you a cup and you can start... Niles: No, no. I've already donated my essence to your establishment, now I'd like to get it back. Karen: I'm sorry. It's against our policy to return essences. Niles: Oh, I see. Well, could I at least check and see whether my donation was used? She turns to the computer. Niles: You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest. [grins] Karen: Sir, I've worked here twenty-eight years. Think you can tell me one I haven't heard? Go ahead, try me. She stares at him, deadpan. He folds. Niles: No. Karen: [off the computer] According to our records, your sample wasn't used. Niles: So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a relief. Karen: [sarcastically] Isn't it? Niles: Thank you for your time. He starts to leave, then turns back to her. Niles: Just a quick question: based on my qualifications, I'd assumed there'd be some interest. Any nibbles? Karen: According to our records, your sample was discarded. It was rated sub-standard. Niles: "Sub-standard"? Karen: Your sperm had very low motility. Niles: So they're... Karen: Slow movers. Niles: Really. But that was more than twenty years ago. There's a chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there? Karen: Can YOU run faster now than you could twenty years ago? Niles: So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive? Karen: Very difficult, yes. I'm sorry. Niles: Uh, thank you. He turns and walks across the room. When he opens the door, there is a startled yell. Niles: Excuse me, sir! Terribly sorry. Carry on. He closes the door, then goes to the exit the nurse is pointing at. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene One - Frasier's Apartment FADE IN Eddie is on the coffee table, his head buried in a bag of Cheetos. The doorbell rings and Martin comes in from the kitchen to answer it. Martin: Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own. Eddie pulls free of the bag and jumps over to the couch. Martin opens the door to reveal Niles. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here? Martin: Uh, primping. Niles: Oh. Martin: He's going out with Julia. Niles: Right, right. Daphne's going out with her mom tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD. Martin: Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up: "Crime Scene Bloopers 4: You Have the Right to Remain Zany." Niles: Sounds tempting, but I'm looking for something a little more soothing. I didn't have the best day. He grabs a different DVD from the shelf. Martin: Oh, what happened? Niles: Got some bad news at the "s" bank. Apparently I suffer from low motility. As he speaks, Niles walks around, shifting his loose baggy pants around. Martin: Oh. Sorry, son. How'd Daphne take it? Niles: Uh, well I haven't had the heart to tell her yet. But I'm hoping I won't have to. I did some research today and I found out, there's some things I can do to... rouse the troops. Martin: Oh, yeah? Like what? Niles: Uh, for instance wearing baggy pants. And boxers instead of briefs. Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely... Martin: Okay, got it! Niles: And well, no hot baths, no alcohol, raw seafood, uh... and I started a regimen of dietary supplements. Which reminds me... He pulls out a small bottle. Martin: What's that? Niles: French maritime pine bark extract. It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric. Which accounts for the well- known joviality of French sailors. He uses an eyedropper to take some while Martin looks on in distaste. Niles: Terrible aftertaste, though. He grabs a Cheeto and pops it into his mouth, then makes a face of his own. Niles: I thought those were supposed to be crunchy. Martin just shrugs and looks innocent. Frasier comes in from the bedrooms. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia is on her way, you told me you'd keep to your room while she's here. Martin gets up. Frasier: And take your Cheetos-stained dog with you. Martin: Eddie, come on boy. Martin leads Eddie off as Niles notices his orange muzzle. A look of disturbed realization crosses his face. Niles: I'll be leaving too. He reaches for the DVD as Frasier puts the Cheetos in the kitchen. Frasier: No, Niles, could you stay for just a moment? There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling. Sherry? Niles: No, thanks. Frasier: No? But we never mull without sherry. Niles: Not for me. Frasier: Very well. Have a seat. He turns to get his sherry. Niles does some knee-bends and leg shakes. Niles: Uh, I'd rather stand. Frasier: Suit yourself. Anyway, it's about Roz. After quitting her job, TWICE, she shows up back at work again, today, waist-deep in a sea of denial. Well, I confronted her on the issue... He breaks off as he notices Niles's movements. Frasier: What the hell are you doing? Niles: Sorry, go on. Frasier: Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye. Which leads me to just one conclusion, Niles: She's in love with me. He sits down and looks to Niles. Niles: I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion... Frasier: That's because you don't have all the facts. I've never shared this with you before, Niles, so brace yourself. Two years ago, Roz and I slept together. Niles: [feigning shock] GET OUT! You and Roz? Frasier: We did have a chance to discuss it, thoroughly. Talk things out. And at the time, she seemed happy to remain friends. But I realize, now, that I must have kindled a spark in her. That lit the torch she carries to this day. So what do you think...? He breaks off as he notices a low whine. Frasier: Are your pants humming? Niles: It's my testicular hypothermia device. It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant ninety-six degrees. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Oh, dear. Niles: No, no. That wasn't me... Frasier: Yes, I know! I know that! He gets up and answers the door. It is Julia, carrying several bags. Frasier: Oh, Julia. Hi. Julia: Hello. They kiss. Frasier: Good to see you. What's all this? Julia: It's dinner. I know we said we'd go out, but I thought it'd be more fun to stay in. Frasier notices another bag. Frasier: And what's in here? Is this dessert? Julia pulls a slinky black negligee from the bag. Julia: Well, you could call it that. She smiles saucily, then notices Niles and stuffs it back in the bag. Julia: Oh, hello, Niles. Niles: Hello. Julia: Well, I'll just go start dinner. Frasier: Fine. She heads to the kitchen. Niles: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight. Frasier: She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts. Niles: Why? Frasier: Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually. Look what happened with Roz. We slept together two ago, she's still suffering. Niles looks questioningly at his word choice. Frasier: In the sense of pining! Niles: Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night Julia... Frasier: Oh, open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario: an infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have been, until one day, like Roz, she goes MAD! Niles checks his watch. Niles: Um... I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth? He heads for the door. Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't you see? I'm just trying to be responsible. I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there's a future for us. Niles: Well, Frasier, I'm sure you'll make the right choice. But if you'll permit me an observation, you do tend to take things to extremes. There is a beeping noise from Niles's pants. Niles: Oh, I have to plug myself into the cigarette lighter and recharge. He leaves, Julia poses in the kitchen doorway. Julia: So, alone at last. She licks the spoon she's holding. Frasier: Yes. But you know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble. I mean, we can still have dinner at Chez Henri's. Julia: No. Dinner's coming along great. In fact, I've got a little sauce right here if you want to taste it. Frasier: Oh. Instead of kissing her, he wipes the sauce with a cracker and takes a bite. Frasier: Mmm. That's yummy, yes. Julia turns around and leans against him. Julia: I've had such a stressful day. You know what would feel great? A back rub. You know where I could find a pair of strong, manly hands? Frasier: You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls. Let me get you his number. Julia: Frasier, is everything all right? Frasier: Yes, of course. Julia: Because if you're not interested... Frasier: No, no, I am. I am. I'm very interested. It's just that... before we take things to the next level, you should know there are certain risks. Julia: Oh, my God, you've got a sexually transmitted dis... Frasier: No, no, no! Of course not! Of course not. Although, in a manner of speaking... The doorbell rings. Frasier: Excuse me. He answers the door and looks through the peephole. Frasier: It's Roz! Julia: What's she doing here? Frasier: I don't know. Listen, just give us a moment or two together and I'll get rid of her. Julia: Fine. He opens the door as Julia goes back to the kitchen. Roz: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Hi, Roz. Roz: Can I come in? Frasier: Yes. She enters. Frasier: Is everything okay? Roz: Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately. Here last night, and today at the radio station. I mean, I don't even understand it myself. But then I took a long walk and I think I've figured it out. I just feel so stupid. Frasier: No, Roz. Not stupid, human. And all too vulnerable. You've realized that you're in love with me. Roz: No, that's not it. Frasier: Come on... Roz: I can see why you'd think that, based on how I've been acting, but that's not it. Frasier: Okay, okay, just to be clear. You haven't been pining for me since we slept together? Roz: God, no! Weren't you there? Stung, Frasier quickly rearranges his mental priorities. Frasier: Hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move something back to the front burner. He hurries off. [SCENE_BREAK] Reset to - the kitchen as he enters. Frasier: Julia... Julia: Oh let me guess: Roz is staying for dinner. Frasier: No, no. Just us. Listen, I'd like to apologize for being skittish earlier. I...just chalk it up to nerves. I mean, after all, this is a big night for us. We've never done this before. Julia: I have. Frasier: [laughing] As have I. What I meant was... Julia: No, I know what you meant. You're forgiven. Frasier: Thank you. Where were we? Oh, here. I believe we were about to sample some sauce. He dips his finger into the pan on the stove, then jerks in pain. Frasier: Oh, that's hot! Oh, God! I'll just go get rid of Roz. He rushes out to the living room. Reset to - the living room as he hurries in, grabs Roz and rushes her out the door. Frasier: You know, Roz, we've got so much to talk about, what do you say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee? Roz: [laughing] Okay. Thank God. You have quite the ego on you. We slept together like two years ago. I mean what do you think you are, some kind of slow acting, time-release love bomb? Unseen, Julia comes in from the kitchen. Frasier: [outraged] I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed. I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion- like"! Roz: I never said that. Frasier: Well, one of us did! Julia: Okay, this is just too weird. Frasier: Julia... Julia: No, this is obviously a bad night for you. She walks past them into the hall. Frasier follows. Reset to - the hallway as Julia gets onto the elevator. Frasier: Look, Roz was just leaving. Julia: Well, I'll send the elevator back up for her. Frasier: Julia, I... The doors close. Roz: Frasier, I'm so sorry about that. Frasier: No, it's my fault. I never should have let you in. They go back inside. Reset to - the living room as Frasier closes the door. Roz: Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me. Frasier: She doesn't hate you, Roz. Roz: Well, she doesn't like me. And when the girlfriend doesn't like the friend, guess who gets the boot? Frasier: That's not always true. Roz sits down on the couch. Roz: I just went through this with my dad. I was always really close to him, even after my parents split up. And six months ago, he married this woman I don't get along with and it's like I don't exist. Frasier: I'm sorry. Roz: That's what I finally realized tonight. I guess I saw Julia getting her hooks into you and I, I freaked. Frasier sits beside her. Frasier: Roz, the day a woman says I can't be friends with you is the day I know I picked the wrong woman. Roz: Thanks, Frasier. They hug, then Frasier gets up. Frasier: Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen. Why don't you stay? Roz: Oh, that sounds great. [getting up] Wait. She went to all this trouble to make this dinner for you, if she finds out I'm the one who ate it it'll kill her. Frasier: You can't tell her, Roz. Roz: Oh, come on, please? She skips into the kitchen after him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Niles's Apartment The living room is lit softly and music is playing on the stereo. Niles comes in the front, then looks around in confusion. Niles: Hello? Daphne appears on the landing wearing a black negligee. Daphne: Hello. Niles's mouth drops open in shock and he drops the DVD he's holding. Niles: Daphne! What are you doing here? I thought you had plans tonight. She comes down the stairs. Daphne: Who says I don't? She uses a remote to start the fireplace and gets a bottle of champagne out of the ice bucket. Daphne: Champagne? Niles: Oh, sounds wonderful. On second thought, not tonight. Daphne: I just thought you might like something to wash down these oysters. She holds up a tray. Niles: Oohhh... actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood. Would it be too much trouble to put them in a bisque? Daphne: Now? Niles: I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised by all this. He takes the tray and puts it down. Daphne puts her arms around him. Daphne: I just thought I'd follow your father's advice: a little less science, a little more romance. She kisses him, then notices the odd humming and beeping. She draws back and stares at his pants. Daphne: And apparently it's working. Niles: That would be my TestiCool 2000. Daphne: Your what?! He motions and they sit on the couch. Niles: I should have told you this earlier, I had some disappointing news today. It seems that I suffer from low motility and it might not be possible for us to conceive. Daphne: Oh. Niles: I'm so sorry. Daphne: Oh, don't be sorry. We'll be all right. There's so many things they can do these days to help infertile couples. Niles: True. Daphne: And until we find out more, I don't see why we don't give Mother Nature a shot. She pulls a test kit from her negligee. Daphne: I took the test today, I'm ovulating. Niles: [taking it] Ohhh... well, in that case, the last one upstairs... They get up and hurry for the stairs, but Niles pulls up short. Niles: Uh, Daph, this isn't the ovulation kit, it's the pregnancy test. Daphne: Oh, silly me. They look so much ali... They both stare at the test. Niles: We're pregnant. Daphne: Oh, my God, we are, aren't we? Niles: But my slow sperm... Daphne: I must have fast eggs. Niles: Oh, Daphne, I love you! Daphne: I love you too! They embrace. Niles's pants emit a sharp beeping noise and he begins jerking from electric shocks. Niles: Ow, ooh, ah! Something seems to be short-circuiting! He stumbles up the stairs, twitching and gasping. Daphne watches him go, then looks down and smiles, patting her belly. Daphne: That's your daddy! She turns and heads up the stairs. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO

Plan: A: one day; Q: How long did Roz work at KPXY? A: disposes; Q: What does Roz do to Frasier's new producer? A: Frasier's new, wheelchair -using producer; Q: What was Frasier's new producer? A: the initial shock; Q: What does Frasier recover from after seeing Roz back? A: feelings; Q: What does Frasier think Roz has for him? A: ( Felicity Huffman; Q: Who is Julia? A: Daphne; Q: Who is Niles trying to have a baby with? A: college; Q: Where did Niles make a contribution to a sperm bank? A: enquiries; Q: What does Niles go to the sperm bank to make? A: low motility; Q: What was the reason Niles' sperm was discarded? A: a difficult time conceiving; Q: What do Niles and Daphne anticipate? A: the worrying; Q: What was for nothing? Summary: Roz hates her new job at KPXY so much that she abandons it after one day. She walks back into KACL and disposes of Frasier's new, wheelchair -using producer. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Roz back, Frasier demands to know her reasons for returning, but without success. He consults Niles, firmly convinced that Roz has feelings for him, and is also concerned because he (Frasier) and Julia ( Felicity Huffman ) are on the verge of taking their relationship to the next level . Niles, however, is having problems of his own. He and Daphne have decided to try for a baby, when it is revealed that Niles once made a contribution to a sperm bank during college. With Daphne worried that Niles may already have a child, Niles goes to the sperm bank to make enquiries only to be told that his sample was discarded due to low motility. Niles then starts taking all measures in order to improve motility. He eventually decides to tell Daphne and the two anticipate a difficult time conceiving, but in the end the worrying was for nothing as it turns out that Daphne is already pregnant.

[The opening shot is an aerial view of the Liberty Ride. Michael and Ben take time out to call the other "happily married" couple back in Pittsburgh and tell them the good news.] Mel: Married? Lindsay: Married? Omigod! Michael: We did it in Toronto, where it's actually legal. Ben: We wish you'd been there with us. Lindsay: Us too. When you get back I'm gonna cry anyway. Ben: When you get back, we're gonna all go out and celebrate. Michael: The two married couples. Call us if the baby crosses the finish line before we do. Mel: Oy vey. Stop with the worrying! Lindsay: See you in a few days. And congratulations! Michael: Bye. Ben: Bye. [They hang up.] Lindsay: Married. Legally! Mel: At least in Canada. Lindsay: Someday here. Mel: That's when gay people find out, be careful what you wish for. It might come true. Lindsay: That's for sure! What makes them think they'll be any better at it than those long-suffering straight people. Mel: The only people who'll profit from it are divorce lawyers. I'll have a whole new clientele to bill. Lindsay: I guess that's one good thing about not being allowed to marry. Mel: Not having to get a divorce? [At the border, the newlyweds encounter a Gratuitously Homophobic Customs Agent wittily named Butz. He eyes Ben and Michael's papers suspiciously.] Butz: Next! How long were you in Canada? Ben: Two days. Butz: Purpose of visit? Michael: We're doing a bicycle ride for charity. Butz: (looking at form) Both your names are on this. Ben: It says spouses can use the same form. Michael: While we were in Canada, we took advantage of the fact that same-sex marriages are legal. Ben: So we tied the knot. Hunter: They're husband and husband. Butz: Who's he? Ben & Michael (in unison): Our son. Butz: This may be legal in Canada, but the United States of America doesn't recognize gay marriages. Brian: Oh, c'mon officer. They're just a couple of crazy kids who fell in love and got hitched! Give 'em a break! Butz: If you want to enter the country, you're gonna have to fill out two separate forms as single individuals. Next! [Debbie slams her passport down on the counter.] Butz: Did you bring any fruit into the country? Debbie: (Belligerently) 250 of 'em. On bicycles! Butz: The purpose of your visit was 'to experience the greatest joy I've ever known, seeing my gay son marry his lover'? Debbie: You got a problem with that, Butz? Michael: (in embarrassment) Ma! Butz: (to Deb) As I explained to your son, the government of the United States doesn't recognize gays getting married. Debbie: But you do recognize Britney Spears gettin' loaded and getting married one night and then having it annulled the next morning! Or two total strangers getting married for a million f*ckin' bucks on television! Is that the sanctity of marriage that you assholes are protecting? Michael: Ma! Debbie: Well, what is this sh1t? Not letting you back in your own country! Like your marriage doesn't count?! If it's good enough for Canada and the Queen of f*ckin' England, it's good enough for Butz! [Butz smiles evilly.] Butz: Ma'am? You like smoked salmon? Debbie: What does that have to do with anything? Butz: Cause if you don't shut up, you're gonna spend the rest of your life in Nova Scotia. Next! [Cut to Justin in Big Hollywood, looking at Keller's Rage posters.] Brett: I had these mocked up, just to get a feel. Justin: It feels unreal. Brett: For now, but not for long. I also asked a production designer I have in mind to do a rendering of Rage's lair. What do you think? Justin: It's good! It needs to be darker. Not dark-scary, but dark-sexy. A place you dream of getting f*cked in. And his bed should be more center. And raised, like an altar, since Rage's sexual energy is what motivates the character and drives the action. Brett: I couldn't have put it better myself. Intercom: Brett? Marty's on the line. Brett: Hi, Marty. Yeah, it was a good meeting. That's why I wanted you to meet him. Uh-huh. Well, if you say so. You're the boss! [He hangs up, turns to Justin.] Brett: We have the green light! Justin: That's awesome! Brett: You were awesome. You showed everyone in that meeting the one thing Hollywood fears most. Justin: Bad hair? Brett: Honesty. Justin: I was just speaking my mind. Brett: You hungry? Getting a go always makes me famished. Blair? Get me a table at Spago. (To Justin) If we're lucky, we may have a Nancy Reagan sighting. Oh, and cancel Mr. Taylor's flight. He'll be staying until tomorrow. Justin: What for? Brett: You just got a picture picked up. We can't leave town without celebrating. [Dinnertime at the Liberty Ride campsite. Emmett is dressed like a giant tiger.] Emmett: This seat taken? Oh, my aching tush! It's been given a workout before, but never like this! How's yours? Ted: It's fine. Emmett: How are your meatballs? Ted: Fine. Emmett: Something's not fine. Ted: Tomorrow's my birthday. Emmett: Unless you've been reborn, your birthday's in August. Ted: My 12-step birthday. It'll be six months since I've been in the program. Emmett: I'll drink to that! [Ted gives him a look.] Emmett: Just trying to keep things gay! Ted: I don't feel very gay right now. This is exactly what I was afraid of. It's the longest I've gone without a meeting since getting out of rehab and I'm feeling nervous, anxious, lost. [Debbie's multitasking, doing what she does best: pushing food and bitching.] Debbie: There you go, honey. There's plenty more if you want seconds. [She plunks some grub down on the Novotny Bruckner' table.] Ben: Why don't you sit down and eat something? Debbie: I'm not hungry. Michael: C'mon, Mom. You need to keep up your strength, too. Debbie: Goddamn border guard. Not lettin' you in! Michael: He was just following the law. Marriage doesn't exist, at least not for us, not here. Ben: But it will. Once the snowball starts rolling, there's no way to stop it. [Brian shows up with a wedding cake decorated with two grooms on top. One of them is hunky and muscular and the other is tiny.] Debbie: Oh my god! Michael: What the f*ck is that? Brian: You've been to enough heterosexual suicide pacts to know. This is a wedding cake. It's for your reception. Michael: I mean, where'd it come from? Ben: In the middle of nowhere. Brian: We're back in the US of A. For enough money, you can buy anything. And here's a little something to wash it down. [He reaches into his jacket and whips out a magnum of Moet.] Debbie: That stuff costs a fortune! Brian: That's right, the f*ck it will. Debbie: You're the last person I ever expected to be celebrating a marriage. Brian: To the Novotny-Bruckners! Long may it wave! [A band starts up. It's a bunch of Hasidic-looking dudes with accordions and fiddles.] Debbie: That's a band? Brian: What were you expecting, Tommy Dorsey? [The happy couple dances together. Then everybody starts dancing. ] [Mel and Lindz engage in a polite, civilized discussion about the imminent demise of their relationship.] Mel: Where will you go? Lindsay: I'll find an apartment. Hopefully near Gus's school. Mel: We don't want to pull him out. It will be traumatic enough as it is. Lindsay: For all of us. Mel: (biting into a chocolate chip cookie) God, these are good! Lindsay: Baking's very therapeutic. Mel: Chocolate chip therapy. You could put every shrink out of business. Lindsay: I also think we should keep all the accounts the same, at least for now. No need to throw everything into chaos. Mel: I agree. Lindsay: Where you going? Mel: To the bathroom, for the ten thousandth time today. Lindsay: Oh, yes. I remember it well. I'll go get Gus his bath. Mel: How do we explain all of this to him? Lindsay: I don't know. I guess we wait 15 years and he'll tell us the reason he's so screwed up is because of his crazy mothers. [Mel picks up the teapot and stands up.] Lindsay: I'll do that. Mel: I'll get it. [She stops. The teapot goes crashing to the floor.] [Emmett, dressed in Technicolor fleece, comes bounding up to Ted.] Emmett: Happy birthday, baby! Ted: Mind not rubbing it in? Emmett: Who's rubbing it in? Check it out. Seems Brad - you know Mr. Hunky with the broad shoulders and big arms who lugs our tents around? - is from these parts and he says we're not too far from this town (consults map) Little Hope - see? Ted: Where? Emmett: There. Ted: It's a smudge. Emmett: It's a town. And they have a 12-step meeting every day at the First Methodist Church. Although it's such a small town, it's probably just a two-step! Ted: A lot of good that does me! It's not even on our route. Emmett: No. But if we veer off here, ride to Little Hope there, we can take this road back and rejoin the group ici. Ted: (Looking at map) It's not a totally idiotic idea. Emmett: Thanks. Ted: I didn't mean - thanks, Em. Really. Emmett: See? Told you I'd be here for ya, didn't I? [Mikey cycles up to check on Brian.] Michael: Hey, sport! How ya doing? Brian: Never should have had that second piece of wedding cake. But when the love of your life marries somebody else, what choice do you have but to drown yourself in buttercream filling? Michael: You'll burn it off in no time. Brian: Cause I'm the man! Michael: You are, dude! Brian: f*ck the doctors. f*ck the naysayers. I'm still young. I'm still g-g-g-gorgeous. I'm still hot. Michael: You know it. [Brian catches the eye of potential trick.] Brian: Look. Mikey. No hands! [And now for a stroke of divine intervention Brian loses control and falls off his bike. Cut to Brian and Michael and a paramedic.] Para: Looks to me like you broke your clavicle. Brian: It hurts llike a m*therf*cker. Michael: That'll teach you to cruise guys no-handed. Para: The good news is, it seems like it's a clean break so it'll mend well. Brian: Did I mention that it hurts like a m*therf*cker? Michael: Is he gonna have to wear a cast? Para: Because of where he injured himself, all he can do is wrap it. Brian: I'm sure I mentioned it hurts like a m*therf*cker. Para: We will give you some Vicodin. Brian: Ah - hear that? Just like Babylon. Para: And then we'll send you home. Brian: Excuse me? Para: We'll take you in for some X-rays and then we'll find a volunteer to drive you back to Pittsburgh. Sorry, Buddy. Ride's over. [The other invalid is sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital corridor.] Mel: I'm scared, Lindz. This is all so weird. Lindsay: I know. I've been through it. How many husbands can say that to their wives? Nurse: I'll be right back for you, hon. Don't go anywhere. Mel: I felt so left out when you had Gus. Lindsay: Aren't you grateful now you'll get to experience this yourself? Mel: No! I want them to knock me out, wake me up when this f*ckin' things over! [Lindsay laughs.] Mel: Don't leave. Stay. Get me through this. Lindsay: And give up my theatre tickets? [But she says it kindly. They hold hands.] Nurse: OK, the room's are ready for you. [They wheel Mel into the room and get her into bed. Mel clutches her gut.] Mel: Oooh! That's a bitch of a contraction! Lindsay: Now do you remember what we learned at Lamaze? Mel: Ow! Barely! Ooh! Lindsay: It'll come back to you. Here's your focal point (hands her a stuffed bunny). Start your breathing. [At the campground that night the Happy Married Pair throw a pity party for Brian.] Michael: The medic says there's no way he could finish. Hunter: That sucks the hairy wang. Brian: Now what? Michael: Some volunteer's gotta drive him home. Debbie: Poor guy. He worked so hard. I'm gonna set the table for 250. Hunter: What's on there next? Debbie: Wrack up lamb with pucchino risotto or labsrev sauce and chocolate juice for desert. Ben: What give it in real? Debbie: OK, shop beef and full of surprise, for christ sakes. Michael: I wonder if Ted and Emmett will be back in time for dinner. Excuse me! Pardon me, mister! Brian: You talking to me? Michael: You're in severe pain! You should be resting! What the hell do you think you're doing? Brian: Practicing riding one-handed. Michael: But you're not seriously - ? Brian: Yes, I am. Seriously. Ben: But you're seriously injured. Brian: Would you stop using the word 'seriously'? Ben: They're sending someone to take you back. Brian: I'm not going. Michael: Yes, you are! The paramedic told you - Brian: f*ck what the paramedic told me! Ben: There's no way you can bicycle all the way back to - Brian: And stop telling me what I f*cking can't do! [Michael takes his hand off the handlebar.] Brian: See you on the road. [He wobbles off.] [Keller leads Justin through a trendy Hollywood club. Justin is all starry-eyed.] Justin: This place seems pretty exclusive. Brett: Naw, they're just people. Rich people. Gorgeous people. Famous people. Something tells me you'll feel at home here in no time. Justin: It's gonna be tough going back to Pittsburgh after this. Brett: Why go? Stay here, work in the movies. Isn't that everyone's dream? Justin: And do what? Brett: Assistant art director on Rage. Justin: You're kidding. Brett: You've got talent, passion, ambition, and if I might add, the backing of an A-list director. What else do you need? Justin: How long would I be here? Brett: Six, eight months depending on the schedule. [And here comes Conor James.] Conor: Brettski! Brett: Hey, Con! You remember Justin? Conor: Of course, the man who let Rage fly. Justin: It's nice to see you again. Brett: They give us the green line. Conor: Awesome, congrat's. Brett: Script's coming over, so keep up the gym. No touch in no reason. Conor: When we get in my place? Brett: I love to, but there are new faces I meet. [Brett goes away.] [Ted and Emmett are lost in a cornfield. Looks like they're not in Kansas anymore.] Ted: I thought you knew how to read a map! Emmett: Of course I know how to read a map. You go down this road, make a left at Up Yours, then continue on about three miles to Go f*ck Yourself! Cow: Moo! [Ted starts hyperventilating.] Emmett: Teddy, what is it? Ted: It's dark, we're lost, I'm never making it to that meeting, I'm having a panic attack and why did I listen to you in the first place? Emmett: I was just trying to help. Ted: Well, you're only making things worse! [Emmett gets up from his haystack and makes an announcement.] Emmett: We're gonna have a meeting. Right here, right now! Cow: Moooo! Ted: With what, livestock? Emmett: It only takes two people to have a meeting, right? One to talk and one to listen. This meeting will now come to order! (Brief pause) Now what? Ted: Since it's my birthday, someone needs to introduce me. Emmett: (Hesitates, looks around, sees only cows) I guess that would be me. Attention, everyone! We have a birthday tonight! That's right! Six months, clean and sober! You know him, you love him, the one, the only - Ted Schmidt! (He sits down) How was that? Ted: Perfect, if I was appearing at the Copacabana. We only use first names. It's anonymous. Emmett: Sorry, "Ted." Go on, get up there! Ted: This is ridiculous. [But he stands up.] Cow: Moooo! Ted: Hi, I'm Ted. I'm a substance abuser. You're supposed to say, "Hi Ted." Emmett: Right. Hi, Ted! Now what? Ted: Now I tell everyone, or, in this case, one, that it's my birthday and then they bring me a cake. Emmett: Cake. (He rummages in his knapsack and produces a donut.) How's this? [Ted is underwhelmed.] Emmett: Next! Ted: Then I share. [Emmett nods, waits expectantly.] Ted: Six months ago, I was out of control. I was lost. But now, thanks to Bill W., the good Lord and the program, my life has turned around. And I have faith, I have purpose, but most of all, I have wonderful friends who stood by me and helped lead me down the right road. Thank God they didn't need a map to do it. Cow: Moo! Ted: (bows) Thank you for listening. Thank you, ladies. And then we cut the cake! [They split the donut.] Emmett: Happy birthday, Teddy. Ted: Thanks, Em. [They "toast" each other with the donut halves.] Emmett: What do we do now? Ted: Now's when we usually go out for coffee! [Brian envisions Justin at the side of the road cheering him on. But it's not enough. He falters. He can't go on.] Michael: That's it, I'm calling for help. Brian: The f*ck you are! Just go on and ride with your husband. Michael: And leave you alone? Brian: I'll be alright. Michael: (sarcastically) I can see that. I'm staying here with you. [Gasping for breath, Brian shakes out a cigarette.] Michael: Why are you doing this? To show everyone what a hero you are, that despite insurmountable odds the great Kinney can cross the finish line with one arm tied behind his back? Brian: In front of my back. Michael: In front of your back. There's no need to. You've already proved yourself. You've raised $100,000 for the hospice. What more do you need to do? Brian: It's not about the money. Michael: Well, what's it about? Killing yourself? [He tries to help Brian with the lighter. Brian shakes him away.] Brian: f*ck off! I can do it! Did you ever see that story on TV about the women who had cancer - (he tries a couple more times to get the cigarette lit, then gives up). Anyway, they all had cancer so what do they do, they go to this boot camp where they have to climb over walls and crawl through the mud, swing over these bottomless pits while this former Luftwaffe drill sergeant terrorizes them. I'm watching this and I'm thinking, Christ! Don't these crazy bitches have enough sh1t to deal with? Then one of 'em comes out of this swamp that's full of f*cking crocodiles or sharks or something and she's laughing. Laughing! She says, "If I can survive this, I can survive anything." Michael: [long pause] C'mon. [Next morning at Keller's. Justin sneaks in quietly so as not to wake up Brett. But Keller's already up.] Brett: Coffee? Justin: I didn't think you'd be up. Brett: Are you kidding? I already worked out with my trainer, made ten calls to New York, read two scripts and the trades. Have a role from Campanile. Best bread on the planet. f*ck the carbs. So, how was your evening? Did Conor take good care of you? Justin: (smirking) Yeah, he's a cool guy. Brett: And hot. Does Brian know about your extramarital activities? Justin: We're not married, Brian detests marriage. Brett: That's a unique position to take when every fag on earth wants to say "I do." Justin: Well, we'd rather say, "I don't." That way, we can be together because we want to be, not because we have to be. Brett: How very Rage-ian. Better go clean up and pack. There'll be a car here in an hour to take you to the airport. Justin: By the way, I've thought about your offer. I really appreciate it. Brett: But - Justin: There is no but. I wanna do it. So I'm comin' back. [Ted and Emmett are walking their bikes after a not-so-restful night sleeping under the stars.] Emmett: My back is killing me. That's the lumpiest ground I ever slept on. Ted: You weren't sleeping on the ground. You were sleeping on me. So I ended up being your support when you were supposed to be mine. Emmett: Look, I woke up without any coffee and worse, I'm out of breath mints. So would you kindly spare me your morning sarcasm? [Pause.] Emmett: Sorry, Teddy, you're right. I am supposed to be your support system and here I am, pulling the props out from under you. You go ahead. Make all the sarcastic, insensitive remarks you want. Ted: I'm sorry, too, Em. You've been a wonderful support. But if it turns out we're hopelessly lost or for whatever reason I don't survive the elements, I want you to know you have my permission to eat me. Emmett: Thank you, Teddy! That's the most generous thing one person ever said to another one. [They come to an actual paved road.] Emmett: The highway! Ted: Which way do we go? Emmett: Well, let's take a look. [He gets out the map; Ted snatches it away.] Ted: To hell with that! It hasn't led us in the right direction yet. [Emmett looks around; he seems to hear or sense something.] Emmett: Don't you hear it? [He gets down and puts his ear against the ground.] Ted: What are you doing? Emmett: The Native Americans used to do this to hear which way the cavalry was advancing. Ted: Wouldn't it be easier to just look? Emmett: Omigod. Omigod, it's the Liberty Ride! [And so it is.] Emmett: I guess even though we didn't know it, we were on the right road all along. [He waves and they ride off to join the pack.] Music: # Oh happy day [And now we have the Liberty Ride Send-Off in reverse. At the finish line, Deb congratulates the riders as they return. Here come Ted and Emmett. Hugs all around.] Music: # Oh happy day Oh happy day (oh happy day) Oh happy day (oh happy day) When Jesus washed (when jesus washed) Oh, when He washed (when jesus washed) When Jesus washed (when jesus washed) He washed my sins away (oh happy day) Oh happy day (oh happy day) Debbie: Welcome home, guys! We're so proud of you. # Oh happy day (oh happy day) When Jesus washed (when jesus washed) Oh, when He washed (when jesus washed) When Jesus washed (when jesus washed) Debbie: Welcome home, guys! Welcome! How'd you get here so fast? Ted: Faith, focus, fortitude - Emmett: Not to mention pedaling our f*cking fannies off. [Next up: Justin's back.] Justin: Hi! Debbie: Well, there's a little bit of Sunshine! Straight from Hollywood! Hi, honey! Emmett: How was it out there, sweetie? Justin: It was amazing. But I'm sorry I missed the ride. Debbie: You made the best part, the finish. Ted: You'll never guess who went along. Justin: Brian? Yeah. He told me he wasn't going. Debbie: Unfortunately, he had a little injury. Justin: Is he alright? Debbie: The stubborn sonofabitch insisted on finishing the ride. Get some juice, c'mon. [The lovefest continues with the arrival of Ben and Hunter.] Debbie: Well, look who's here! [she hugs] Oh, I'm so proud. So, where's Michael? Hunter: With Brian. Ben: Yeah, he should be here any minute. [The next scene is probably hours later. It's dark out. It's snowing. Justin, Deb, Hunter and Ben are still waiting. Ben tries to reach Michael's cell, to no avail.] # He taught me how to watch to fight and pray fight and pray # Ben: I can't get threw of them. Debbie: I'm starting to get worried. Actually I start hours ago. Justin: Maybe we should go searching. [Then Hunter spots them.] Hunter: Look! [Justin starts to go to Brian.] Deb: No! Let him finish. [Everybody watches the tragic hero struggle to the finish line.] Michael: C'mon. Brian: [hard breathing] I can't. Michael: Look who's there. Brian: f*ck it... f*ck it... [Brian is inspired by the vision of Justin - but this time it's the real thing. All cheers them up. He made it the few foots until the goal line.] Justin: [to Brian] Go getting kill yourself for all this! Brian: I save it for ya. Ben: [to Michael] I thoughed you're at the hospital. Michael: There is no need. Brian's gonna be OK. Ben: I didn't mean that. Lindsay called around an hour ago. You're a dad. [Debbie laughs overwhelmed.] Debbie: I'm a grandmother! [Michael and Ben go to the hospital to meet the new arrival.] Michael: Oh my god, look at her. You're so tiny. Mel: She didn't that feel coming out. Lindsay: I leasts 14 hours. Mel: I'm feeling like a bowling ball threw the ivon needle. Michael: TMI. Ben: Turn off your commention. Michael: [to her daughter] You're here. You're finally here. Have you picked up a name? Mel: Contention on the approval three parties I was thinking Jenny Rebecca. Ben: Like her grandmothers? Mel: Yes. Ben: There you go, I take a picture. Now the three parents. Smile! Oh, perfect. OK, now how about one with the two happy moms? [There are no such persons in the room, but Lindsay and Mel try to put on game faces. Lindz sits gingerly on the bed and they pose together.] Ben: Got it. Oh, I frame it. [By the next day, Jenny Rebecca is already a celebrity in the Liberty Diner. Deb serves up a calorie-laden ice cream creation to those new/old best friends, Ted and Emmett.] Debbie: There ya go! The Jenny Rebecca triple ripple hot fudge sundae, named in honor of my gorgeous new granddaughter. Emmett: It took Joan Crawford 23 years to get a sandwich named after her at the Stage Deli. Debbie: Why don't you boys sit down? Ted: Thanks, but we prefer to stand. Emmett: Our buns are a little battered. Debbie: Well, you I understand (indicating Ted), but you - ! You're a disgrace to nelly bottoms everywhere! Emmett: First thing I did when I got home last night? Weighed myself. Ted: You too? So how much did you lose? Emmett: Seven pounds. Ted: Five and a half. Couldn't have done it without you! Emmett: Lost weight? Ted: The ride, Em. Emmett: Sure you could. Ted: Maybe! But I'd rather have done it with my best friend. [They are fighting for one cherry.] [Horvath presents Deb with an "I 'heart' my granddaughter" t-shirt.] Debbie: Carl! Carl: Look what I've got ya. Debbie: I love it! Carl: I thought you would. It's a lot more accurate than the one you're wearing. [Deb's shirt says "I 'heart' my pen1s"!] Debbie: Thank you! Carl: So now that you're a grandmother, are you ready to be a bride? Debbie: Carl - Carl: What kind of a wedding you want? Big, small, indoor, outdoor? Although it's still a little nippy, it's up to you. Whatever you say. Debbie: Whatever I say? [He nods.] Debbie: In that case, I don't want a wedding. Carl: No wedding? Debbie: I can't marry you. Not because I don't love you, because God knows I do. Carl: Then what? Debbie: How can I get married when my own son can't? And the goddamn President wants to change the Constitution to prevent Michael and Ben and all the other beautiful gay men and women from having the same rights that you and I do. It just doesn't seem right. Carl: It's very noble, sweetheart, but you're just one person. Debbie: Well, sometimes that's all it takes. Look at Gandhi. Ben Kingsley starved himself and it turned the tide. Carl: You're not gonna starve yourself, are you? Debbie: There's only so much I'm humanly capable of. I am gonna send a message. And a finger. To the White House. Until my son can walk down the aisle in this country, then neither am I. Carl: Where does that leave us? Debbie: How do you feel about living together? In sin! Carl: Aren't we a little too old for that? Debbie: Christ, I hope not! [They hug.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to the hospital room. Mel is nursing the baby.] Mel: She's so much proper than Gus was. Remember how fitchie he was. Lindsay: I would. It was my breast. Mel: This isn't as painful as I thought. Lindsay: Get back to me in a few weeks. You'll be wishing she found someplace else to eat. (To the baby) You're finally here. You have no idea how much your mommy wanted you and what she had to go through to get you. Mel: Don't worry, I'll be sure and tell her. Lindsay: That old Jewish recipe? Add one tablespoon of guilt to mother's milk, stir briskly? Mel: We have without a doubt the most beautiful shiksa goddess ever created. Lindsay: I won't argue with that. Mel: For a change! [Lindz gives her a look.] Mel: I didn't mean - Lindsay: Do you need anything? Mel: No. [The nurse comes in to take the baby back to the nursery] Nurse: Alright young lady. Time for your nap. See your mommies later. Mel: Yes, sweet dreams, sweetheart. [Lindz prepares to leave.] Lindsay: I contacted the Center's childcare services. They have a list of several women who can help you out. And Dusty said if you need anything, you can call her. Mel: What about you? [Lindz doesn't say anything just looks at her.] Mel: Then you're really going. Lindsay: It's what we both agreed to. Isn't it? [Mel nods, but she looks as though she might be having second thoughts. Lindsay leaves. The last shot is Mel sitting on the bed, looking forlorn.] [The GLC people present Liberty House.] Tannis: On behalf of the Gay and Lesbian Center I'd like to present Liberty House with this check for $432,000. [all cheers] Philip: Every cent raised will go to make the hospice and previning his clients with the best care of possible. Tannis: We like to thank every one who rode [cut to Michael, Ben and Hunter], who let their support [cut to Ted and Emmett], their time, their sponorship [cut to Brian and Justin]. And now in honor of one of our brothers we recently lost... Philip: A great friend, a volenteer and supporter... Tannis: Liberty House has been renamed... Vic Grassi House. [All cheers. Cut to a shocked Debbie. She nearly cries. Cut to a shocked Michael, to. He goes to his mom and kiss on her cheek.] Tannis: Thank you very much for coming! [All goes by Deb and kisses on her cheek. Justin, Ted, Emmett and even Rodney. Only Brian are stands besides. She goes to him.] Debbie: You got them to do this, didn't you? Brian: It's still America, Deb. Money talks. Debbie: For once, it said the right thing. [She goes to hug Michael.] Debbie: Vic would be so proud! Michael: Too bad he couldn't be here to see it. Debbie: He sees it. C'mon. [Cut to another Brian at Babylon dream sequence. Flashing lights, naked dancing boys with swinging balls. And here comes Vic. He and Brian levitate above the dancing crowd.] Brian: So, have I atoned for my sins? Vic: That would take an eternity. But you sure as hell get an A for effort! Brian: Please don't say hell. Vic: By the way, I happen to agree with you. I was damn lucky to get those four extra years. Sure, I would've liked more. Who wouldn't? But you're going to have a lot more than that. Brian: Did God tell you that? Vic: Actually, he told Judy and she told me. Brian: Judy? Vic: Garland. They're like this. [He crosses his fingers together.] Brian: You mean God's - ? Vic: You didn't hear it from me! [Vic laughs and hit Brian on his shoulder.] [Brian wakes up on the floor of the loft, where he's been napping. His arm that Vic hit is killing him. Justin rushes over from the computer.] Justin: You OK? Brian: Yeah, I'll be alright. I heard it from the best authority. So, did you f*ck Tom Cruise? Justin: Everybody knows he's not gay! Brian: Adrian Brody? Justin: Nah, he's - Brian: Tobey Maguire? Justin: Please! (whispers) Connor James! [Brian laughs.] Brian: No sh1t! Sounds like you had a most excellent adventure. Justin: Sounds like you did, too. Brian: Bicycling down life's endless highways, I had time to think. Justin: Oh? Brian: About what I'd do differently if I survived cancer AND sleeping in a tent. Justin: Equally unpleasant, I agree. But now that you have, what did you decide? Brian: The first thing I'd do differently is the bedroom. Get rid of that thing over the bed. Justin: Yeah, it's very 90's, I agree. Brian: And then I'd like to spend more time with my son. He's at an age now when he needs a strong masculine influence. Especially being raised by a couple of dykes. He's got to know about Armani, Gucci, Prada, not just football and engine tuning. Justin: Unquestionably. Any other decisions? Brian: I want you to move back in. Justin: Huh? Brian: I said I'd like it if you and I were to live together. Justin: Are you proposing? Brian: Of course not. With the sudden and unexpected plethora of gay marriages, I'd hate to add to the glut. All this running back and forth between here and Daphne's is time-consuming. And inconvenient. I mean, just last week, you forgot your socks and had to borrow a pair of mine. And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were. Justin: I've been waiting for you to ask me that since the first night you brought me here. Brian: Well, then what do you say? Should I make room in my drawers for your drawers? [Justin is indecisive. Or conflicted. Or something.][And now for the final scene of the season. Ben's asleep, but Mikey can't sleep.] Michael: Ben? Ben! I was just seeing if you were asleep. Ben: I'm wide awake - now. Are you ok? Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down. Too much excitement, I guess. Ben: It has been pretty eventful. Michael: No sh1t! My head is spinning. The ride and the baby and the wedding! Ben: I can't believe we're really married. Michael: Are we? Really? Ben: Of course we are. Michael: We don't live in Canada, we live here. Is it still real? Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it? Michael: So worth it! Ben: It won't be long before it happens here. It's all beginning. We're a part of it. [They kiss.] Michael: You know, come to think of it, we never really had a proper wedding night. Ben: Sure we did. Sharing our tents, our little air mattresses. Michael: I think we can do better than that. [Cut to finished Season 4.] Music: # Somewhere Over the Rainbow from Me First and the Gimme Gimmes Somewhere over the Rainbow Way up high There's a land that I heard of, once In a lullaby. Somewhere over the Rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the Rainbow Way up high There's a land that I heard of, once In a lullaby. Somewhere over the Rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the Rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true Somewhere over the Rainbow Way up high There's a land that I heard of, once In a lullaby. Somewhere over the Rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true If happy little bluebirds fly Behond the rainbow Why oh why can't I #

Plan: A: the United States; Q: Where do Michael and Ben have trouble crossing into? A: a married couple; Q: What are Michael and Ben? A: a 12-step meeting; Q: What are Ted and Emmett on their way to? A: Brian; Q: Who breaks his collarbone? A: Melanie; Q: Who goes into labor? Summary: Michael and Ben have trouble crossing into the United States as a married couple. Ted and Emmett get lost in the woods on the way to a 12-step meeting, while Brian takes a nasty fall and breaks his collarbone. Melanie goes into labor. 'Rage' is given the green light.

•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Spike in "Into the Woods" SPIKE: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey. RILEY: Because you are. Dawn listening to Spike read. SPIKE: They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her ... in the form of a sister. Dawn in the hospital talking to Ben. DAWN: I'm not real. BEN: You're the key. Go. Before she finds you, don't- she's here! Ben morphing into Glory. DAWN: Ben. He was here, he was trying to help me. He might have left before Glory came. I can't remember. Cut to inside the Bronze, which has been extensively remodeled following its demolition by Olaf in "Triangle." The basic layout is the same but the fixtures and furniture have a new style, less gothic/industrial and more modern. It is filled with people dancing, talking, etc. We can see Willow/Tara and Xander/Anya dancing. The group Summercamp is onstage performing their song "Play It By Ear." I'm amused by the overwhelming choices I guess the hardest part is knowing when to stop I'm confused and I think I'm hearing voices Things are happening so fast Do I save the best for last? Closer shot of Xander and Anya dancing. Pan across them to Willow and Tara dancing. All smiling. Pan over to Buffy sitting by a low round table by herself, watching the dancers, looking pensive. SPIKE: (OS) Bleedin' crime, is what it is. Buffy looks up as Spike sits in the chair beside her. Instead of his usual attire he wears khaki pants, a blue/gray button-down shirt open over a black t-shirt, and a shiny brown leather jacket. SPIKE: Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixin' up this sinkhole. Not my fault insurance doesn't cover act of troll. BUFFY: Gee, maybe it's time you found a new place to patronize. SPIKE: (sits back) I've half a mind to! Especially since the flowering onion got remodeled off the sodding menu. (leans forward) 'S the only thing this place had going for it. BUFFY: (frowns) What are you doing? SPIKE: (frowns) Wha, what do you mean what am ... I ... BUFFY: Here? At this table? Talking to me. Like we're some kind of talking buddies. SPIKE: Well, I saw you ... sitting here alone. Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, uh, you know, company. Buffy raises her eyebrows at him. Spike frowns. SPIKE: Suit yourself! He gets up. Focus on Buffy looking back over at the dance floor. SPIKE: (OS) Although... He sits back down as Buffy rolls her eyes. SPIKE: It's just, we took on that Glory chippie together, I was right there with you, fightin' the fight. BUFFY: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious. SPIKE: Still, points for intent. (Buffy looks doubtful) You'd think that would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack. Earn a little consideration, respect. XANDER: (OS) Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat. We see Xander and Anya standing behind Spike. He turns his head to look at them, sighs. SPIKE: Bugger it. He reaches for his beer bottle, knocks it over accidentally, grabs it and gets up. Buffy watches him go in some confusion as Xander and Anya sit. ANYA: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings. XANDER: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. (ponders) You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice. Buffy doesn't reply. Willow and Tara come over and sit. XANDER: So, who's up for some more liquid refreshments? I'm buying, for I am payday man. WILLOW: (opening a bottle of aspirin) I could use a water. XANDER: (raises a hand dismissively) Water poses no challenge for payday man, for I have... (pauses, looks dismayed) Shot of a small tray lying on the table, with just a few coins on it. XANDER: (OS) Hey, where's my change? Buffy looks at the tray, scowls, glances over at the bar. Xander looks too. Shot of Spike at the bar, buying another beer. XANDER: Spike, you diabolical fiend. Xander gets up and walks toward Spike. Buffy looks at Tara comforting Willow. BUFFY: Poor Will. Still getting those headaches? WILLOW: Fewer and further between, but...yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights. TARA: Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells. WILLOW: Well, it's just we have squat in the way of Glory-fighting arsenal, and ... another run-in with her and my headaches and nosebleeds are gonna be the least of our problems. BUFFY: You know what? This is the first R-'n'-R I've had in weeks. How about we go one night without saying the name Glory. Everyone nods. TARA: I'm down with that. Let's just call "she who will not be named" another name. Let's just call her- BUFFY: Ben! Shot of Ben sitting on a sofa across the room, with another guy. TARA: (OS) For example. BUFFY: I'll be right back. Buffy gets up and the other three girls watch her walk over to Ben. BUFFY: Ben! Hey! BEN: Buffy, hi. BUFFY: I barely recognized you without your hospital scrubs. The guy next to Ben gets up and leaves, and Buffy sits in his place. BEN: Oh, you'd be surprised the extent of my wardrobe. BUFFY: Really? BEN: I actually have entire outfits that aren't blue pajamas. BUFFY: (laughs) Um, my sister ... uh, told me what happened at the hospital before I got there. BEN: (wary) Uh huh. BUFFY: And, uh, I just wanted to say ... thanks. (Ben looks confused) For looking after her? BEN: (sighs, smiles) That's okay. I'm glad Dawn's all right. Cut to Spike and Xander by the bar. XANDER: The point is, I work hard for that money. SPIKE: And you're saying I didn't? XANDER: You stole it. SPIKE: And you're making it into very hard work! XANDER: Listen, bleach boy, I don't have a chip in my head. I can do far more damage to you than you can ever do to me. Spike isn't listening, as he has noticed Buffy chatting with Ben and is watching them intently. SPIKE: (distracted, still watching Buffy) Yeah? Like you could ever hurt me. Cut to: train station. A porter leans against a fence reading a Spiderman comic as a train approaches, the horn blowing. It comes to a stop. Lingering shot of the stair in the doorway of the train. Shot of the porter straightening up, waiting for the passengers to start coming out. Another shot of the doorway. No one appears. The porter frowns, walks forward to the door of the train and calls inside. PORTER: Sunnydale Station! Last stop this line. Nothing. He looks around. The platform is empty. Cut to the porter entering one of the train cars. He walks to the first row of seats, stops and looks shocked. Shot of a male passenger lying slumped over with blood on his neck and on the pillow behind his head. Shot of the porter looking shocked. Short of a female passenger also lying slumped over dead and bloody. The porter walks farther into the train and we see more dead passengers in the seats. Shot of another female passenger with her arm stretched out into the aisle, covered with blood from a wound on the wrist. The porter breathes heavily. Sound of footsteps. He turns and sees something. PORTER: Oh god! Oh please! Help me! Somebody please! Help me! He runs back the way he came. Cut to exterior shot of the train's doorway. The porter appears still screaming "Help me!" Before he can make his way down the stairs, something grabs him from behind and drags him back into the train. We hear him screaming. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Mercedes McNab, Charlie Weber, Amber Benson as Tara, Juliet Landau as Drusilla, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by David Fury, directed by Daniel Attias. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the Summers home, night. Sound of a door closing. Cut to inside. Giles, Joyce, and Dawn are sitting in the living room. Joyce and Giles have books; Dawn sits on the floor watching television. JOYCE: (looking toward the door) Buffy? Buffy enters. BUFFY: I'm back by popular demand. GILES: Did you have a nice time? BUFFY: (ponders, sits) You know, I think I did. Much-needed fun, apart from Willow's headaches and Spike's cameo appearance. DAWN: Spike was there? BUFFY: Unfortunately. Joyce comes forward to sit beside Buffy. JOYCE: Well, I'm relieved that you're home. Because to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone. Shot of Giles sipping tea, raising his eyebrows in an injured manner. Buffy looks meaningfully from her mother to Giles and back. JOYCE: (quickly) At first. And then I, um, remembered that, um, Rupert was here and I felt much, much safer. GILES: (puts down book, gets up) Yes, well, thank you for the little backpedal, but uh, I'm forced to agree that I'm ... barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house. (moves toward the door) Good night. JOYCE: Good night. Buffy gets up and follows Giles to the hallway where he begins putting on his coat. BUFFY: So how is Dawn? GILES: She's, uh, she's coping very well. Extremely well, really, considering the extraordinary circumstances of her origin. BUFFY: Then lemme ask you something. Um, we've been going easy on her the last week ... letting things slide? GILES: Oh, I don't think that's at all wise. BUFFY: You don't? GILES: No, the best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have. Any special treatment at this stage is likely to undermine Dawn's sense of normality. BUFFY: You think so? GILES: Absolutely. BUFFY: (nods) Thanks. (turns around and yells sharply) Dawn! Dawn jumps up from the floor. DAWN: What?! BUFFY: What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing? DAWN: I didn't take your clothes. BUFFY: Bull! DAWN: I never touched your stuff. BUFFY: Really. Then what happened to my blue cashmere sweater? Cut to Spike sitting in his crypt, fondling Buffy's blue cashmere sweater. HARMONY: (OS) Spikey... Spike quickly hides the sweater behind him and turns in his chair. We see Harmony wearing a silk negligee. HARMONY: Aren't you coming to bed? SPIKE: I'm not tired. HARMONY: Me neither. She comes forward and slides onto Spike's lap, giving him an excellent view of her cleavage. He turns his head aside, looking annoyed. HARMONY: Don't you wanna come in and ... tire me out? SPIKE: Harm ... (she kisses his ear) really not in the mood right now. HARMONY: (annoyed) You're never in the mood! (kisses his ear again) We could do something different tonight. SPIKE: Like what, you stop yammering for two seconds? HARMONY: (caressing his face) Well, we could ... I don't know ... maybe play a game? Spike looks at her, thoughtful. Cut to: Harmony jumping out of the shadows, wearing Buffy's blue sweater and a pair of tight brown leather pants, holding a stake. She stalks dramatically around the crypt. HARMONY: Oh, I'm gonna stake you! (looks around) I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, (gestures with the stake) and I'm gonna slay you! (pauses and thinks for a moment) I'm sneaking up, and I'm going to stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the chosen- She shrieks as Spike, shirtless, lunges into the shot and grabs her around the waist, growling, pulling her to the ground. The camera doesn't follow them down but remains focused on the darkened crypt. HARMONY: (OS) Oh, Spike! Cut to: exterior UC Sunnydale building, day. WILLOW VOICEOVER: I just don't see why he couldn't end up with Esmerelda. Cut to inside. Tara, Buffy, and Willow are walking along the hallways. WILLOW: They could have the wedding right there. Beneath the very bell-tower where he labored thanklessly for all those years. TARA: No, see, it can't, it can't end like that, 'cause all of Quasimodo's actions were selfishly motivated. He had no moral compass, no understanding of right. Everything he did, he did out of love for a woman who would never be able to love him back. (They come to a vending machine and stop walking. Tara digs in her purse. Willow looks in hers as well) Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy. Willow takes some money out of her purse and hands it to Tara, who smiles and turns to the vending machine. WILLOW: What did you think, Buffy? BUFFY: The test isn't till tomorrow, right? (shrugs) I don't have an opinion till then. WILLOW: But, you read it, right? BUFFY: Kinda not. I rented the movie. TARA: (takes her snack out of machine) Oh, with, um, with Charles Laughton? BUFFY: I don't know. Was he one of the singing gargoyles? WILLOW: Oh boy. (They all begin to walk off) BUFFY: What, I, I'm kidding! (notices a guy reading a newspaper) You're done with this? (grabs the paper from him) GUY: Yeah, hi, uh, kind of reading that? Buffy ignores him, taking the paper over to Willow and Tara, staring at the front page. Shot of front page of the Sunnydale Press reading: "METROTRAIN MURDER. Six Found Murdered on Train at Sunnydale Station." BUFFY: "Six found murdered on train at Sunnydale Station." TARA: Glory? BUFFY: (shakes her head) "Unconfirmed reports of severe trauma to the throats of one or more of the victims." (lowers the paper) Survey says ... vampire. Cut to: Spike climbing up some stairs, emerging in his crypt. A woman is watching him; we only see her from the back. Spike reaches the top of the stairs, sees her and gasps in surprise. SPIKE: Oh, it's you. (frowns) What are you doing here lurking about? He bends over to slide a trapdoor cover over the hole in the floor that he just emerged from. We see the visitor is Dawn. DAWN: I'm not lurking. I'm looking. What are you doing? SPIKE: (nervous) Nothing. DAWN: So is that how you get around town in the daytime? I mean, does that lead into the sewers or something? Can you show me? SPIKE: No. (moves forward) Why are you- (pauses, sighs) Does Buffy know you're here? (takes out a cigarette, lights it) DAWN: Yeah, right. (turns and walks a little bit away) 'Cause nothing would make her happier than to find out I'm hanging out after school in the vampire's lair. Especially yours. SPIKE: (snaps off his lighter in annoyance) Go home then. DAWN: I don't feel like it right now. SPIKE: Well, you can't bloody well stay here. DAWN: Why not? SPIKE: Because, I've got things to do. Dawn folds her arms over her chest, looking skeptical. Spike approaches her. SPIKE: Bad, evil things! (Dawn tries to stifle a grin) That are not for a child's eyes. DAWN: (stops smiling) I'm not a child. (goes to lean against a pillar) I'm not even human. Not originally. SPIKE: (sighs) Yeah, well, originally I was. I got over it. (Sits on the edge of a coffin) Doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out. DAWN: That's smart. I get that. (pauses) I like how you talk to me like I can understand things. Everyone else is being all ... twitchy and secretive. SPIKE: They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect. DAWN: I feel safe with you. Spike chokes on his cigarette smoke in horror. He begins to cough and jumps down from the casket. Dawn moves forward from the pillar in alarm. SPIKE: Take that back! DAWN: (quickly) I, I mean, you have that whole ... superpower thing, and ... you're just as tough as Buffy is, maybe tougher. (quieter) Buffy thinks so too. SPIKE: She does? DAWN: Well, she's always worried about what she's gonna do if you ever get that chip out of your head. SPIKE: Is that right? So, um... (He sits back down on the coffin and Dawn leans back against the pillar) what else does Buffy say about me? Cut to: Buffy entering the Summers house, day, holding an armful of books. BUFFY: (calls) Hey! JOYCE: (OS) Dawn? BUFFY: No, it's me. Buffy puts her books down, moves toward the living room. Joyce emerges from the kitchen. JOYCE: Is Dawn with you? BUFFY: Isn't she here? JOYCE: No, she didn't come home from school today. (anxious) Oh Buffy, the news said something about people murdered- BUFFY: It's not Glory, it has nothing to do with Dawn, I promise. Look, she probably - I'll find her. She leaves. Cut to: exterior, aerial shot of the graveyard, night. DAWN VOICEOVER: And the lady just invited you in? Cut to inside Spike's crypt. Spike and Dawn sit on the coffin, both cross-legged, facing each other, with a lantern lit between them. It's very dark. SPIKE: Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she gave me the invite. DAWN: And did you? Let him live? SPIKE: What do you think? DAWN: (frowning) Huh. SPIKE: Too much for you? DAWN: (quickly) No! Keep going. SPIKE: (softly) And I kill 'em. Right quick, the whole lot. (Dawn looks fascinated) But... (grinning) There's someone missing. Supposed to be ... this little girl. So I get real quiet, (looking at ceiling) and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. (looks at Dawn) So I listened harder, it's very, very quiet... Dawn is hanging on every word. Suddenly there's a loud noise of the crypt door banging open. Dawn jumps with a very startled gasp. Spike starts too, looks over her shoulder at the door. SPIKE: Oh ... bloody hell. Buffy comes rushing in. BUFFY: Spike, I need your help, Dawn is- (Stops short when she sees Dawn) Here. (Spike gets down from the coffin) DAWN: Spike was just telling a story, a-and he was just at this really cool part- BUFFY: (to Spike) What the hell is this? What is she doing here? DAWN: Just hanging out. BUFFY: (raises eyebrows) Here? DAWN: Can you please let him finish the story? Then you could do the lecture? Buffy scowls, looks over at Spike. BUFFY: Yeah. Okay. Let's hear the story that Spike is telling my little sister. SPIKE: (nervous) Right. Yeah. (Shot of the two girls watching, Dawn interested, Buffy with her arms folded) So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. So I rip it open, very violent, haul her out of there ... (looks at Buffy) and then I give her to a good family in a nice home, (Buffy rolls her eyes) where they're never ever mean to her, and didn't lock her in the coal bin. DAWN: What? That's so lame! SPIKE: (to Buffy) I was just about to send her home. I knew you'd be frettin'. BUFFY: Dawn, get your stuff, we're getting out of here. Spike watches them leave, frowning. Cut to Buffy and Dawn walking through the graveyard. BUFFY: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad. DAWN: 'Cause it was Spike! BUFFY: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous, and ... icky. Dawn pauses, smiles bashfully. DAWN: I don't think Spike's icky. BUFFY: Yeah, well, think again, sister- Buffy sees Dawn's expression and stops. Dawn tries to hide her face. Buffy folds her arms across her chest. BUFFY: You have a crush on him. DAWN: No I don't! It's just, (giggles) he's got cool hair, and he wears cool leather coats and stuff. (stops smiling) And he doesn't treat me like an alien. BUFFY: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is ... dead, and, and evil, and a vampire. DAWN: Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years. BUFFY: (quietly) Angel's different. He has a soul. DAWN: Spike has a chip. Same diff. BUFFY: (turns away, gesturing angrily) I, I can't listen to this! (sighs, turns back) Spike is a monster, okay? A-and plus, you are only fourteen years old. DAWN: I like hanging out with him is all. And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years. Not with you around. BUFFY: What does that mean? DAWN: Spike's totally into you. Buffy is speechless. DAWN: Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you. Buffy stares at her. BUFFY: Huh? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on a piece of yellow police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) stretched across the doorway of the train. A hand rips it down. Pan over to Buffy and Xander standing on the platform. Buffy has the yellow tape in her hand. Xander is holding a flashlight. XANDER: So, tell me again what we're looking for? BUFFY: Clues. She goes into the train. XANDER: Ooooh-kay. He follows. Cut to inside the train. Tape on the seats marks where the victims were found. Buffy and Xander enter, look around. XANDER: Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues? BUFFY: Something. Anything. (looks around) Just wanna know this was a vamp attack. If it was, how many we're talking about. Xander shines his flashlight around. XANDER: Well, Sunnydale's finest didn't ... leave us a lot of stuff to examine ... who knows how many people have traipsed through here. Buffy is thinking about something else. BUFFY: Xander? XANDER: What? Buffy starts to speak, stops. BUFFY: Never mind. They each turn to look at a different part of the train car. Then Buffy turns back. BUFFY: I-it's just that ... Dawn ... said that... XANDER: Yeah? BUFFY: Forget it. XANDER: Buffy! (walks toward her) BUFFY: She thinks that ... she said that ... (Xander nods, waits for it) Spike's in love with me. Xander frowns for a second, then bursts out laughing. BUFFY: I'm not joking. XANDER: (still laughing) Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true. BUFFY: I'm serious. Xander, this is serious! He stops laughing with an effort, puts up a hand to show willing. XANDER: (seriously) All right. (clears throat) After a moment he snickers and begins laughing again. Buffy pouts, sits down on a seat, right inside the tape outline of a corpse. BUFFY: It's creepy. XANDER: No. Not creepy. 'Cause it's not real! I mean, how upset can you really get over one of Spike's ... fevered daydreams that's not gonna happen? BUFFY: I guess. XANDER: So, where did Dawn, how did she come to this *extremely* ... entertaining conclusion? BUFFY: (gets up) She was hanging out with Spike. I think she has a crush on him. She walks past Xander, who turns to watch her in dismay. XANDER: What? BUFFY: I mean, I always knew that he had this ... weird fixation with me... XANDER: I'm the one she has a crush on! Me! BUFFY: (shakes head) There's nothing here. Let's go. (turns to leave) XANDER: It's always been me! Big funny Xander! Oh, what, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one any more? Why is that okay? Xander follows Buffy out. The camera pans up to the cargo compartment in the ceiling of the train car. We see an antique doll lying on its side, with a red blindfold tied around its eyes. Cut to: Buffy entering her home, walking down the hall toward the kitchen. JOYCE: (OS) But what they didn't get was, that it was a copy of the bill of lading... Pan down the hallway. We see Joyce leaning on the kitchen island. As the camera moves closer we see Dawn on the other side of the island, listening and smiling. JOYCE: ...so they thought that it was another order form, so now I've got two shipments of Greek amphorae on my hands! The camera pans further and we see Spike sitting on the counter behind Dawn. All three laugh at the conclusion of Joyce's story. SPIKE: That's funny. And really, how many do you need, amphorae? They all laugh more. Buffy enters, folding her arms over her chest. Joyce sees her. JOYCE: (giggling) Oh, Buffy. Spike came by to apologize for yesterday. (puts her hands over Dawn's) Our missing child drama. BUFFY: (nods) And he just decided to ... hang out for a while? JOYCE: Oh, well, I got talking about the gallery. See, there was this- SPIKE: Oh, don't get us all laughing again, Joyce. Anyhow, I really need to talk to your eldest. BUFFY: What about? Spike gets down from the counter and goes past Buffy into the hallway. She turns to follow him, looking suspicious. SPIKE: I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowin'. BUFFY: Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles - hit *up* Giles. SPIKE: I got a bead on the guy who killed those people. The ones on the train. BUFFY: Do tell. SPIKE: (jerking his head to indicate she should come with him) I'll do better than that, I'll show. Buffy doesn't budge. Spike frowns. SPIKE: What's the matter? BUFFY: (nervous) Nothing ... just... SPIKE: (sighs, rolls his eyes) Two vamps holed up in a warehouse downtown. Come on, what are you waiting for, grab your coat and your pointy sticks. Buffy moves past him. He lets her pass and falls in behind her. Cut to: Spike and Buffy sitting in a car watching a warehouse. Spike looks at Buffy. She gives him a sharp look back. He looks away. Buffy frowns at him, looking very suspicious and nervous. Spike suddenly reaches toward her and Buffy flinches back in her seat. BUFFY: Hey! He opens the glove compartment and takes out a flask. Buffy looks relieved. Spike takes a swig and then offers her the flask. BUFFY: Ew. SPIKE: It's not blood, it's bourbon. BUFFY: (slower) Eeeeew. SPIKE: (grins ruefully) Suit yourself. He shakes his head, reaches across Buffy to put the flask back, sits back and sighs. He begins to hum, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Buffy gives him a look, which he doesn't notice. SPIKE: (sings) I wanna be sedated... (stops singing, looks at Buffy) Do you like the Ramones? BUFFY: So if you're not doing this for the money, why *are* y- SPIKE: Shh! They both look out the front window. Two figures walk across the street. Closer shot of the two male vamps going up to a door, opening it and entering the warehouse. Spike and Buffy get out of the car. Cut to inside warehouse. The two vamps are sitting on a sofa. One is making popcorn over a small lantern. The other is looking through a pile of CDs. Buffy and Spike enter. The vamps get up. VAMP 1: The Slayer! The two vamps turn and run away. The popcorn continues popping. SPIKE: Well, that was sad. (Buffy moves forward, looking around) I'm embarrassed for our kind. Shot of the vamps' furniture arranged in a cozy grouping. Spike comes forward, goes a few steps in the direction the vampires went. (continuity note: the popcorn disappears at this point) SPIKE: So. Should we chase after 'em, then? They couldn't have gone far. Buffy is still staring at the furniture and stuff. BUFFY: These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested. SPIKE: So ... you're saying they're a couple of poofters? BUFFY: No. I'm saying they had nothing to do with last night's murders. SPIKE: How do you figure? BUFFY: Whoever did it only arrived in town last night. Looks like you've wasted my time. She turns to leave. Spike hurries after her, arrives in time to open the door for her. Buffy stops with her hand up (prepared to grab the doorknob) and turns to Spike with a frown. BUFFY: What are you doing? SPIKE: (looks at the door) I, I was ... (scoffs) I wasn't thinking. BUFFY: What is this? SPIKE: Oh, come- (shoves the door closed) don't get your knickers twisted, I was- BUFFY: What ... is this? (Spike stares at her) The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? (Spike raises his eyebrows) Is this a date? SPIKE: (loudly) A d- Please! (pretending to be amused) A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - (quietly) Do you want it to be? Buffy makes a little groan, with an expression of disgust. She moves past Spike back into the warehouse. BUFFY: (upset) Oh my god. Spike bites his lip, turns to watch her. BUFFY: Oh ... oh no. (turns back to Spike) Are you out of your mind? (continuity note: the popcorn reappears) SPIKE: It's not so unusual. (walks toward her) Two people ... in the workplace ... feelings develop. BUFFY: No! No, no, feelings do not develop. No feelings. SPIKE: You can't deny it. There's something between us. BUFFY: Loathing. Disgust. SPIKE: Heat. Desire. BUFFY: Please! Spike, you're a vampire. SPIKE: Angel was a vampire. BUFFY: Angel was good! SPIKE: And I can be too. I've changed, Buffy. BUFFY: What, that chip in your head? That's not change. Tha-that's just ... holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison! SPIKE: Women marry 'em all the time! BUFFY: Uhh! SPIKE: (realizing that's not what he meant) But I'm not ... like that. Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. BUFFY: Uhh. (turns away) SPIKE: And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing- BUFFY: (turns back) You don't know what you mean! You don't know what feelings are! SPIKE: (offended) I damn well do! I lie awake every night! BUFFY: You sleep during the day! SPIKE: Yeah, but - (through his teeth) You are missing the point. This is real here. I love- BUFFY: Don't! She puts up a hand to stop him. He sighs. BUFFY: Don't say it. (Spike stares at her) I'm going. She starts to walk toward the door again. SPIKE: Oh, come on, we need to talk- BUFFY: (turns back) We don't need to do anything! Okay, there is no we! Understand? She turns to leave. SPIKE: Buffy. She opens the door and exits. Spike watches her go. Cut to: Spike entering his crypt, moving slowly. It's dark. He walks in, makes a face and puts his hand to his face. Suddenly there's a sniffling noise. Spike looks up, looks around suspiciously. SPIKE: Who's there? A voice comes from the shadows behind him. He turns. VOICE: A happy memory, pretty Spike. Drusilla walks out from the shadows, holding a red rose. DRUSILLA: Look who's come to make everything right again. Spike stares at her, astonished. She puts the rosebud against her cheek and draws it down across her face. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on closeup of Spike. SPIKE: So, uh, let me get this straight. Darla got mojo'd back from the beyond ... you vamped her... (camera pulls back so we can see Dru circling behind him) ...and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again. DRUSILLA: Mm-hmm. SPIKE: Sounds fun. DRUSILLA: It is. Like lollipops at the circus. Although ... didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire. (She touches her cheek and chest where we can see still-healing burn marks.) SPIKE: And this has got you, what, all nostalgic now, has it? DRUSILLA: I want us to be a family again, my William. She walks up close to him and puts her mouth next to his ear. DRUSILLA: (whispers) Come back with me. (pulls back to look at him) SPIKE: To Los Angeles? (she nods) I've done the whole L.A. scene, Dru. Didn't agree with me. (walks away) Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny-D. (gestures around) Decent digs... (sits in his armchair) not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat. Dru rubs one finger against the other in a scolding gesture. DRUSILLA: Naughty! Shh. (puts finger to her lips) You needn't make up stories. I already know why you're not coming. Poor boy. (puts hands to her head) Tin soldiers put funny little knick-knacks in your brain. Can't hunt! Can't hurt! Can't kill! She jerks her head on each "can't" in an imitation of Spike being zapped by the chip. DRUSILLA: You've got a chip. She tries to put her hands on Spike's head but he gets up from the chair and moves away. SPIKE: Right, so you've heard. Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!" (Kicks something across the room) DRUSILLA: I don't believe in science. All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen. I trust eyes and heart alone. (Walks over to him) And do you know what mine is singing out right now? She takes Spike's hand and puts it over her heart. He stares at her. DRUSILLA: You're a killer. Born to slash ... and bash ... and... (gives a little gasp of pleasure) oh, bleed like beautiful poetry. Dru breathes faster, getting excited. They turn in a circle, still with Spike's hand on her chest. DRUSILLA: No little tinker-toy could ever stop you from flowing. SPIKE: (whispers) Yeah. DRUSILLA: Ohh. SPIKE: (shakes his head, removes his hand from her) But the pain ... love, you don't understand, it's ... it's searing. It's, um, blinding. She puts her hand on the top of his head and pulls it down toward her. DRUSILLA: All in your head. I can see it. Little bit of ... plastic, spiderwebbing out nasty blue shocks. (moves her fingers across his head imitating a spider) And every one is a lie. (Spike keeps his head bent) Electricity lies, Spike. It tells you you're not a bad dog, but you are. She runs her hand around behind his head and then across his face, takes his chin and lifts it to look at her. Spike growls. They gaze into each other's eyes. HARMONY: (OS) What the heck is this? SPIKE: Oh, bloody hell. He turns to see Harmony entering. She comes over to them. HARMONY: Who is - oh, wait. I get it. Our little s*x game was just the beginning. Now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drood-zilla. SPIKE: Harm. HARMONY: You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. 'Cause my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's (gestures to Spike) boy, (gestures to the air) boy, (gestures to herself) girl. Or Charlize Theron. SPIKE: Harm, you moron, this *is* Drusilla. Dru just watches with a small smile. HARMONY: Oh. Well, (walks toward Dru) you've got some nerve showing up here like this. After all this time. After breaking my sweet boo-boo's heart. Dru looks over Harmony's shoulder at Spike and mouths the word "boo-boo." Spike shrugs. HARMONY: Do you have any idea how hard it's been to break down the walls he put up after you left? I mean, *serious* trust issues. SPIKE: Harm... HARMONY: So it's no use you crawling back to him, 'cause Spikey don't play that game any more, Morticia. Dru puts up a hand as if to block out the sight of Harmony. Harmony turns back to Spike and he grabs her by the throat. SPIKE: (looking at Dru) It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, (Dru smiles) but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road. He throws Harmony across the room. She hits the wall and slides down to the floor, clutching her throat and panting. HARMONY: Why? Because she's back? SPIKE: (still looking at Dru) No. (moves closer to Dru) Because I am. Dru smiles. Harmony begins to get to her feet. Spike puts his arm around Dru's waist and pulls her up against him. DRUSILLA: And there you are, my darling, deadly boy. She puts her hand on the back of his neck and they kiss. Cut to: Joyce, Buffy, and Willow sitting in the Summers living room. WILLOW: Well, he ... he actually told you? He, he said, "I love you"? BUFFY: Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but ... I could see the words coming. JOYCE: Honey, did you ... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals? BUFFY: (ponders) Well, I ... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base. Joyce looks upset, stands up. WILLOW: Buffy, um ... I'm really worried. JOYCE: So am I. He could become dangerous. BUFFY: Not really. As long as it's still chips ahoy in Spike's head he can't hurt me, or any of us. You know, besides, this'll probably just blow over. You know? It's just some weird Spike thing. He'll have the hots for some gak demon before we know it. WILLOW: I don't know. Uh, these things can, can become pretty twisted. JOYCE: (comes back to sit down again) Yeah, and Spike, I mean, he's... BUFFY: Pretty twisted. JOYCE: Yeah. WILLOW: Well, well, you made it clear, right? That it could never happen. That there's no possible way. Ever. BUFFY: Yeah! (looks at them) I, I think so. I don't know, I, I was just so thrown. WILLOW: Well, Buffy, you have to talk to him again. BUFFY: What? No. No, no, no, I have to avoid him again. WILLOW: Not until you shut him down completely. If he thinks there's even a little chance with you, there's no telling what he'll do. Buffy looks concerned. Cut to the Bronze. The group Devics is onstage performing their song "Key." And this time I'm staying to bury the trail that you left, you left Pan across people dancing. Pan over to the door. Spike and Dru enter, arm in arm. Spike is once again wearing his usual attire complete with long black leather coat. He takes a glass of wine from a tray carried by a passing waitress. The waitress gives him a dirty look as Dru removes her coat. Shot of the band doing an instrumental interlude. Cut back to Dru putting the now-empty glass down. Spike takes her hands and they move onto the dance floor and begin to dance, very slow and sensual. The singer resumes singing. And if I was cold, well then you would stay inside me, warm me... Dru looks up. Shot of a couple kissing on the balcony above. Dru turns around so that her back is to Spike. He puts his arms around her waist. She leans back against him, grins and looks up again. Another shot of the couple still kissing. Dru leans her head back on Spike's shoulder and draws his attention to the couple. Spike has an evil expression as he and Dru begin to move off the dance floor. Cut to the Summers house. Joyce is in the hallway taking a coat down from a hook. JOYCE: I know this is hard, honey, but I think you made the right decision. She walks back into the living room where Buffy and Willow are standing. Joyce gives the coat to Buffy. JOYCE: Better to nip this in the bud before- BUFFY: The bud nips me? JOYCE: Exactly. WILLOW: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowling. She demonstrates her scowl as Buffy puts on her coat. BUFFY: Thanks, but ... I think this is something I have to do myself. Besides, you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this, this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and ... he's already gone back to wanting me dead. WILLOW: Here's hoping. (Grins and holds up both hands with the fingers crossed) Buffy sighs, turns and walks toward the door. She stops and turns back to Willow. BUFFY: You know what, though? There is one thing you can do for me while I'm gone. Cut back to the Bronze. Close-up shot of the couple still kissing on the balcony. Pan across to Spike and Dru, climbing the stairs hand in hand. Dru has her vamp face on. They walk in step, slow-motion, as the music continues. I told you just like I told everyone I still have some doubts that you are the reason Dru walks up to the couple, grabs the girl's head and twists it. We hear her neck snap. Dru pushes the dead girl back toward Spike, who catches her as the boy looks on in horror. Still this is just so hard 'cause I know that I'll be left like always Dru walks behind the boy, turns his face aside and leans in to bite his neck. Shot of the dead girl with her head lolling back, exposing her neck. Pan up to Spike staring at her neck. He looks over at Dru, who raises her head from the boy to look at Spike, smiling. Here I'm safe so here I stay Lift me out, lift the doubt Spike looks conflicted. He closes his eyes, looks back at the girl, takes a few deep breaths. His vampire face appears and he bends down with a growl to bite the girl's neck. Shot of Dru watching, then turning back to her meal. Zoom in on Spike drinking from the dead girl. Cut to Spike's crypt. The door opens and Buffy peeks in, looking around. BUFFY: Spike? ... Are you here? She walks in, looking around. BUFFY: Spike? Nothing. She sighs. Then she looks at the floor, sees the trap-door, crouches down and moves it aside, looking down into the hole. Cut to underground. Buffy comes down a wooden ladder and emerges into an underground cave. There's a torch burning on the wall and a pile of human skulls by the foot of the ladder. Buffy takes down the torch and looks around, finding a couple of caskets lying with their lids open. More skulls lying all around. Buffy goes over to one wall that's covered by a sheet. She pulls it aside and reveals Spike's mannequin. The sheet drops away and reveals a whole Buffy Shrine with a collage of pictures of her -- some photos, some drawings -- on the wall, and more pictures on a small table, along with some stakes. Cut to Buffy climbing back up the ladder. She looks up, startled. Spike is squatting by the trap-door waiting for her. There's blood on his mouth. SPIKE: See anything interesting? BUFFY: (continues climbing out) Spike. I, uh ... what ... (begins backing up as Spike advances on her) what happened? DRUSILLA: (OS) Me. Buffy turns to see Drusilla behind her. Dru holds out a cattle prod/taser and zaps Buffy with it. Buffy falls to the floor with a grunt. Spike grins. SPIKE: You remember my ex, don't you, Slayer? He walks around Buffy toward Dru as Buffy sits up, leaning against the casket, groaning and wincing in pain. Spike puts an arm around Dru's shoulders. SPIKE: Come back, she did. Couldn't live without me. DRUSILLA: My boy's been feeding again. But I know what he really wants to eat. Dru leans over to Buffy, who can't move. Dru tasers her again. Buffy falls over. Dru straightens up. DRUSILLA: Shall we tie her up? (licks her finger) Play with her a teensy bit first. SPIKE: (pensively, looking at Buffy) I'm through playing. DRUSILLA: (delighted) Oooh. I like it when you're all dour and straight to business-like. Spike looks at her. She gives him the taser. Spike reaches out and tasers Dru. She gives a cry of pain and falls down. SPIKE: (quietly) Bloody well through playing. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on Buffy coming back to consciousness. SPIKE: (OS) There she is. Pull out to reveal Buffy in the underground cave, standing in a stone arch, with each hand cuffed to chains hanging from above. Her hands are chained at about shoulder-height. Spike stands directly in front of her. Buffy gasps anxiously and tugs at her bonds. SPIKE: Beginning to think you'd sleep the night away. Buffy stares at him, then remembers. BUFFY: Dru ... Drusilla? Spike raises his eyebrows with a slight grin. He moves aside so that Buffy can see Dru, tied to a pillar with her hands behind her back. Dru and Buffy are facing each other, about ten feet apart. DRUSILLA: Not nice to change the game in mid-play, Spike. You've taken my chair and the music hasn't stopped. SPIKE: Sorry, pet. My house, my rules. DRUSILLA: I think I shall be very cross with you when I'm free again. BUFFY: What's going on? SPIKE: Simple. I'm gonna prove something. (moves up close to her) I love you. Buffy closes her eyes and grimaces in disgust. BUFFY: Oh my god. SPIKE: No, look at me! (grabs her chin and forces her to look at him) I ... love you. (Buffy jerks her chin out of his hand) You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you. Dru begins to laugh. Spike turns. SPIKE: I can do without the laugh track, Dru. DRUSILLA: But it's so funny. I knew ... before you did. I knew you loved the Slayer. The pixies in my head whispered it to me. Spike turns back to Buffy as Dru continues talking. SPIKE: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something. BUFFY: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul. DRUSILLA: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well. If not wisely. SPIKE: (to Buffy) You still don't believe. Still don't think I mean it. You want proof, huh? How's this? He stalks over to the Buffy Shrine, grabs a stake off the table, turns and puts the stake against Dru's chest. He looks over at Buffy. SPIKE: I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you. Dru begins laughing again. BUFFY: That doesn't prove anything ... except that you're a sick miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey, already there. SPIKE: Don't mock this. BUFFY: Go mock yourself. SPIKE: This is Drusilla, girl! You have the slightest idea what she means to me? It's the face of my salvation! (looks at Dru, smiles slightly) She delivered me from mediocrity. For over a century we ... cut a swath through continents. A hundred years, she never stopped surprising me. He caresses Drusilla's cheek ad she leans her face into his hand. SPIKE: (quietly) Never stopped taking me to new depths. I was a lucky bloke. (Dru smiles) Just to touch such a black beauty. Shot of Buffy looking bored. Spike continues stroking Dru's face as she smiles. DRUSILLA: Aw... Suddenly Spike lifts the stake again and puts it firmly against Dru's chest. She gasps and winces. DRUSILLA: Ow. SPIKE: (turning to look at Buffy) So you see, it means something. BUFFY: Not to me. Kill her, why do I care? Spike looks surprised, takes his hand down. SPIKE: Here's why. (walks toward Buffy) If you don't admit ... that there's something there ... some tiny feeling for me ... then I'll untie Dru, let her kill you instead. DRUSILLA: (nodding quickly) Yes, please. I like that game much more. SPIKE: Just ... give me something ... a crumb ... a barest smidgen ... tell me ... maybe, someday, there's a chance. Buffy looks intensely at him. He moves right up close to her. BUFFY: Spike... He looks hopeful. BUFFY: The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious. SPIKE: (puzzled) Oh, what... (makes a face of extreme frustration) Ohh! He turns away, throws the stake away and gives a loud angry yell. SPIKE: (shouting) Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why ... do you bitches torture me? BUFFY: Which question do you want me to answer first? SPIKE: Look, I, I'm at the end of my bleeding tether. You know? I don't even know why I even bother, you know. (points at Dru) This is your fault. You're the one to blame for all this. DRUSILLA: Am I? SPIKE: (shouting) Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me for that chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had this sodding chip in my skull! And you - (to Buffy) wouldn't be able to touch me, because this, (pointing to Buffy, then to himself) with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. He stomps past Buffy, then turns back. SPIKE: You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. (scoffs) You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do, is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces (makes scissor gesture with his fingers) so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi- He suddenly stops talking and spins around, falls over as we see an arrow protruding from his back and Harmony standing behind him with a crossbow. Shot of Spike on the floor, looking up. SPIKE: Oh, great. HARMONY: (OS) What about me, Spike? We see her standing over him. HARMONY: You forget about me again? The *actual* girlfriend? Shot of Drusilla looking at Buffy. Shot of Buffy watching Harmony. HARMONY: I gave you the best ... bunch of months of my life! She hits him over the head with the crossbow. DRUSILLA: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson. SPIKE: (still on the floor) Oh, so now you're all ganging up. HARMONY: I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. (begins reloading the crossbow) But now I see it's you. You're the dog. Who needs to be put d- She turns away for a moment and Spike rushes her, grabs the crossbow and hits her in the face. He throws the crossbow away. Shot of Dru looking over at Buffy. Shot of Buffy tugging at her chains. Spike tries a kick on Harmony, which she avoids. She punches him. Shot of Dru struggling. Shot of her hands behind her, tied with rope. Shot of Buffy struggling. Harmony knees Spike in the groin, slaps him, but he ducks another swing, knees her in the stomach and throws her to the floor. The arrow is still sticking out of his back. Drusilla frees herself from the ropes and runs across to Buffy, who jumps up to brace herself against the sides of the arch. Dru punches her in the stomach, then tries to swing but Buffy blocks with her still-chained hands and head-butts Dru. Spike is on top of Harmony, pinning her down. HARMONY: Ow, you're on my hair! She reaches around him, grabs the arrow in his back, and twists. Spike gives a cry of pain. Buffy kicks Dru, flips over, locks her legs around Dru's neck and flings Dru aside. Harmony is standing, with the arrow in her hand. Spike is on the ground getting up. She tries to stake Spike with the arrow but he grabs her arm and they grapple. Dru picks up a 2x4 and hits Buffy with it a few times, grinning. Spike punches Harmony in the face and she falls down. Dru grabs Buffy's throat and looks into her face. Spike runs over and grabs Dru, flings her aside. She falls to the floor. Spike takes out the keys and unlocks Buffy as Dru gets to her feet. Buffy and Spike stand side-by-side, both panting. Dru stands up, holding her face, panting and looking shocked. DRUSILLA: Poor Spike... (shot of Spike and Buffy staring at her) so lost. (tearfully) Even I can't help you now. She turns and leaves. Spike and Buffy watch her go. HARMONY: (OS) Oh Spikey. Both Buffy and Spike roll their eyes and turn to see Harmony standing up. HARMONY: And you can say good-bye to this (pointing at her butt) because you're not gonna see it any more ever. (thinks) Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you. She starts to leave, stops and turns back, putting hands on her hips. HARMONY: But even then ... I'll probably just ... you know ... back away. She backs away and exits. Buffy turns to Spike. He takes a deep breath and looks at her, anticipating. Buffy punches him in the face. He goes flying backward into the Buffy Shrine, bringing the mannequin and all the pictures crashing down. Buffy turns and walks off. Spike sits up, covered in Buffy pictures, and sighs. Cut to: Buffy walking quickly down the street near her home. Spike runs up behind her. SPIKE: Buffy! Come on now, stop. He reaches her and begins walking by her side. SPIKE: You can't just walk away from this. BUFFY: What part of punching you in the face do you not understand? SPIKE: So we had a fight. It's not our first, love, and it doesn't change anything. BUFFY: (stops walking, turns to him angrily) It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again ever! Understand? She walks off. Spike shakes his head and follows. SPIKE: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. (Buffy is walking up the stairs to the front door of her house. Spike follows) It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it. Buffy opens the door and enters, turning to face Spike who is right on her heels. SPIKE: Like it or not, I'm in your life, you can't just shut me out. He stops suddenly at the doorway as an invisible force prevents him from entering. Buffy stands right inside the door, giving him a grim look. Spike stares in surprise, gives a tentative smile, not quite getting it yet. It begins to dawn on him that his invitation to the Summers house has been revoked. Buffy steps back and closes the door in his face. Blackout. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.

Plan: A: Drusilla; Q: Who returns to Sunnydale and causes Spike's love for Buffy to be spurned? A: Harmony; Q: Who attacks Spike for revenge? A: the Summers' home; Q: Where does Spike lose his invitation? Summary: Spike's profession of love for Buffy is spurned when Drusilla returns. He offers to kill Drusilla for her, but Buffy is unimpressed. After Harmony returns to the scene and attacks Spike for revenge, Drusilla tries to kill Buffy. He saves Buffy from Dru, but has his invitation to the Summers' home revoked.

[Scene: Alley. The criminal Darryl put in his car is still there. He is so angry from waiting so long that he is trying to kick down the bars between the front and back seats. A portal opens up near by and Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Darryl walk out of it.] Phoebe: Be careful, Darryl's body. Darryl: Thank you. Is he... I mean, am I still alive? Phoebe: Barely. Darryl: Barely? Leo: We've gotta go back and get Piper. Phoebe: How? By force? She won't come, she's withdrawn. Paige: Plus we can't go back now. Leo: But we can't just leave her there. Phoebe: Leo, they're not gonna hurt her. They need her to get to us. Darryl: Listen, about my body... Paige: Oh, I'm sorry, you can just step right back in. Darryl: That's it? Even though I'm still solid. Paige: You're still a spirit, trust me. Phoebe: Okay, we gotta go figure out what to do. Thanks again. (Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb out.) Darryl: Don't mention it. (Darryl walks over to his body and crouches down above it. His spirit is sucked back into his body. He jumps up. A portal opens up in front of him and three warriors walk out.) Great. That's just great. (The warriors throw Darryl across the alley and he lands hard on his car.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in. Chris walks into the room.] Chris: Geez, it's about time, I was starting to get wor... Where's Piper? Leo: You son of a bitch! (Leo punches Chris in the face and pushes him against the wall.) Why'd you do it? Chris: Do what? (Leo throws him across the room.) Paige: Leo, stop it! (Chris starts to orb out but Leo grabs him and throws him across the room, hitting a cabinet.) Phoebe: Leo, enough! This hostility is killing me. Paige: What is wrong with you? You been playing Gladiator too long? Leo: You didn't tell them did you? Phoebe: Tell us what? Leo: That he was the last one to see me. Right afterwards I was mysteriously trapped in Valhalla. Chris: Oh, so what, that makes me responsible? Is that what you're saying? Paige: Okay, why would Chris do that? Leo: Why else? To get rid of me. Paige: That doesn't make sense. Leo: Doesn't it? He manipulated things so I could become an Elder. Forced me out of the house, didn't he? Chris: So you could save the world. Phoebe: Alright, Leo, I know how upset you are. And by know, I mean I literally know. But you're way off base here. Chris has been the model Whitelighter since you've been gone. He's done nothing but good. Paige: He's sent us after so many demons, if anything, he's been too good. Phoebe: He's the reason we were able to save you. Chris: You're welcome. Leo: Where'd you get the pendants? Phoebe: Leo! Leo: Alright. Alright. I'll let it go for now. So where's Wyatt? Can I see him? Paige: No, you can't, he's staying with Sheila until we can figure out how to rescue Piper. Phoebe: Which is gonna be hard because she doesn't want to be saved. Paige: Well, if we're gonna save her, it's gonna have to be as witches, not as Valkyries. (They pull off their Valkyrie necklaces and they return to their normal selves.) Book of Shadows? Phoebe: Got it. (They head for the attic.) [Scene: Valhalla. Cave. Piper, Freyja, Mist and Kara are there. Piper is sitting on a chair. Mist is standing beside her waving her arm in front of Piper's face.] Freyja: Well? Mist: She's Valkyrie. It's not pure. Deep inside I sense... Kara: Witch? Mist: Yes. Kara: I told you, she came with the other witches, she has to be one too. Mist: But it's very faint, I can barely read it. Kara: Still, she helped to escape the warrior, didn't she? Mist: Yes, but she didn't escape with them. Kara: Maybe they left her behind. Mist: Why would they do that? Kara: Because they would've been caught if they hadn't. Freyja: Either way she'll be a value to us. She wouldn't be the first witch to convert. And if she has, then we've gained a powerful sister. But if it is just a spell and she's not truly one of us, then we'll use her to lead us to the other two. After all, we can't have anybody knowing where to find us and risking what we do, now can we? Kara: What about the warriors who followed them? Aren't you concerned about them being exposed? Freyja: They're well trained. They'll know how to avoid it. Besides, hopefully they'll find the witches and take care of the problem for us. What do you think about that? (Piper stands up.) Piper: I think that if they don't, we will. [Scene: Street. Outside a Warehouse. It's dark. The three warriors are there and have just killed several innocent men.] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris are there. Paige is looking at the Book of Shadows.] Chris: I don't understand. Why don't we just storm the place and find her? It's not like we don't know where she is. Leo: Because they'll be expecting you, that's why. It'll be suicide. Chris: We got you out safely, didn't we? Leo: But it cost us Piper. Phoebe: Okay, you guys, would you knock it off. I'm still reeling from Piper's emotions, I don't need this. Chris: Sorry. Phoebe: So how's it going? Paige: I am almost done. Um, I don't mean to burden you with my emotions but I don't quite see how reversing the memory spell's gonna help. Phoebe: Piper needs to believe she's a Valkyrie because it's too painful for her to be herself, way too painful, believe me. I almost passed out back there. Chris: Well, then believing she's a Valkyrie is the perfect option. To serve the greater good they're always in control. And they don't have to deal with pain or loss. Phoebe: Well, that's why we have to make Piper believe she's Piper again. Because if we don't get her back mentally, it won't matter if we get her back physically. Paige: Okay, but Piper wasn't exactly back before the spell either. Leo: What do you mean? Paige: Well, that little magical whammy you performed on her kind of, um, backfired. Phoebe: Yeah. You see, after you left, Piper was really... Paige: Chipper. Yeah. Incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper. Phoebe: What she said. Leo: I was supposed to make her feel less pain, I guess with me not around to pull it back a little bit, she got happier and happier. Paige: Uh, no, psychotically chipper. (Chris claps.) Chris: Way to go. Phoebe: Chris. Chris: What? Phoebe: Oh, I swear my new power is going to drive me crazy. Leo: You'll get the handle of it, just be patient. Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I remember Prue almost being destroyed that time she was an empath. Leo: Well, she wasn't supposed to become one, you are. Maybe all this with Piper has made it happen a little sooner but you can handle it, I know you can. Phoebe: I just wish I knew how to turn it on and off. I feel like I'm at the mercy of everyone else's feelings and it sucks. Paige: Bright side? Maybe you can actually find out how Jason feels about you. Phoebe: Yeah, but what if it's not good news? Paige: Then you dump him before he dumps you. (Phoebe laughs.) Uh, I think the spell's finished. (The doorbell rings. Oscar barks and runs in.) Oh, great. Leo: You got a dog? Paige: No, I got a career. Chris: Sore subject, don't ask. (Oscar barks again.) Paige: Alright, I'm coming. (Phoebe and Paige go downstairs.) [Cut to the foyer. Phoebe and Paige open the door. Darryl is standing there with cuts and bruises on his face.] Phoebe: Oh my god, Darryl, what happened? Darryl: I think I just got attacked by Attila the Hun. [Scene: Valhalla. Piper, Freyja and Mist are sitting in front of a beautiful waterfall. Kara comes rushing over.] Kara: Freyja, I need to speak with you. (They stand up.) In private. Freyja: You can speak freely. Kara: The warriors have followed the witches. They've killed civilians. Mist: What? Freyja: Innocents? Kara: I don't know. But they turned off the locators. Piper: What does that mean? Mist: They're trained to do that. When the final battle between good and evil begins. Kara: We have to stop them. Mist: But how can we? We have no way of finding them in the city. Piper: I'm from the city. I can help you find them. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Paige, Leo, Chris and Darryl are there. Leo is healing Darryl.] Leo: Feeling better? Darryl: Yeah. Thanks, it's good to have you back. Leo: Thanks for helping me get back. Chris: Ah, don't mention it. (Phoebe hits Chris on the leg.) Phoebe: How long after we left did the warriors show up? Darryl: Not long. Maybe a couple of seconds. Phoebe: They must have followed us from Valhalla. Paige: Great. That means they're after us now. Darryl: Except they didn't hang out long enough to ask me where to find you. Granted I was looking through swollen eyes but they just seem lost and confused. Chris: So what, they just took off? Darryl: Thank goodness they did because... Phoebe: We should have never put you in that situation. We should have come up with another way. Darryl: Forget it. You know, it worked. Chris: Yeah, for you maybe. What about the next poor guy that runs into those warriors? They're trained killers. (Oscar jumps into Paige's lap.) Paige: Yeah, but they only kill evil. Chris: He's not evil. Leo: Chris is right. Not everything is black and white in this world. Warriors can't always tell the difference between good and evil. Phoebe: What do we do? Leo: Well, we need to find them fast. Darryl: That shouldn't be too hard, they're gonna stand out. Even to San Francisco. Leo: Which is why we need to move fast. If they're exposed, so are the Valkyries. Paige: You're awfully forgiving considering everything they put you through. Leo: They still have a noble purpose to perform. Keeping their secret is key to them fulfilling it. Besides, it's not the Valkyries fault that I ended up there. (He glances over at Chris.) Chris: Which bring us back to the warriors. Phoebe: And let's not forget about Piper. Leo: Maybe we should split up. You should go to the police station. They're gonna show up on the radar screen in a big way. (Darryl's pager beeps.) Darryl: You know what, the officer's paging me anyway. Leo: Alright, make sure you're the first cop on the scene, we might need you to buy us some time. Darryl: Okay. (Darryl leaves.) Phoebe: Uh, maybe I should go to the newspaper and do the same thing. Leo: Good idea. Paige... Paige: I should take Oscar home before I get fired. Leo: You're kidding, right? Paige: No, I promised the temp agency I'd have him back in the morning and, huh, it's the morning. Listen, before you say anything, you've been gone, some things have changed and one of those things is that I am determined no more than ever to have a life separate from being a witch. Leo: Fine. But now? Paige: Yeah. I've already done the reversal spell, can't do it without Piper and we don't know how to get her, so, I'm just an orb away if you need help. (Paige leaves the room.) Leo: Paige. Phoebe: Let her go. It might seem silly to you but it's important to her, I know. Chris: See, it helps to be an empath. Phoebe: No, it helps to be a sister. And while we're on that subject, we have to come up with another plan to get Piper out of Valhalla. Leo: She's right. Let's go. (Leo grabs Chris's arm.) Chris: But... (Leo orbs out with him.) [Scene: Valhalla. Cave. Two warriors walk in.] Leo's Voice: Come on, in here. Chris: Easy. (Leo and Chris walk in.) Warrior #1: Who goes there? Leo: What's the matter? Don't your recognise me? Warrior #1: Leo. But we heard that the witches had broken you out. Leo: Disinformation. Enemy's favourite tactic, don't fall for it again. Warrior #1: Right, sorry. It's just that everyone's a little on edge, especially since the alert's been sounded again. Leo: I know. I caught the intruder. Where's Freyja? She'll want to question him. Warrior #1: She's not here. She went after the warriors in the city. Leo: And the new Valkyrie, where's she? Warrior #1: They took her with her. Leo: Alright, then I'll have to question him myself. (Leo grabs Chris and throws him in the cage.) Alone. (The warriors leave. Leo gets in the cage with Chris and shuts the door. He picks up two swords.) Chris: What are you doing? Leo, what's going on? Leo: I am gonna get the truth out of you one way or another. No sisters around here to help you this time. No orbing, no way out. (Chris trips over a skull.) Just you and me. (He throws the sword at his feet.) Chris: You're joking, right? I mean, shouldn't we be getting back to fill in Phoebe and Paige and find Piper? Leo: I already lost Piper. Pick it up. Chris: You know, this isn't funny anymore. This isn't very Elder-like either. Leo: Being trapped here for five weeks and fighting for my life has changed me a lot. Pick it up. Chris: Forget it. (Leo kicks up a shield and Chris catches it. Leo attacks him and he falls to the ground.) I didn't do it. (Chris tries to get up and Leo knocks his sword out of his hand. Leo holds his sword up to Chris's throat.) You can't kill me, I'm a Whitelighter. Leo: No? Then why are you sweating? I'm gonna find out the truth. I'm gonna find out who did this to me, I promise. Right now we're gonna go catch up with Phoebe and Paige and have a little chat with the Elders. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the Warehouse. Police have arrived at the crime scene. Piper, Freyja, Mist and Kara walk out of a portal in a near by alley.] Kara: This was the last place they were before they turned off their locators. Freyja: Why did they do this? This is not what we're training them for. Piper: Maybe they were confused by all the evil in the city. It's everywhere. Mist: Then how do we find them before they hurt anybody else? Piper: I could scry for them. Kara: You mean like a witch can? Freyja: What do you need? Piper: Something of the warriors. The knife. (A knife disappears out of the dead man's stomach and reappears in Freyja's hand.) Freyja: Anything else? (A biker guy walks out of the back door of one of the buildings.) Biker Guy #1: Well, hells bells, what have we got here? (He laughs.) What, is there a Xena convention in town or something? (He laughs again. Kara steps forward.) Kara: On your knees. Biker Guy #1: Excuse me? I got a better idea. How about you get on your knees instead. (Kara stretches out her arm and the Biker Guy falls to his knees. She moves closer to him.) Kara: Who are you to speak to us that way. Freyja: Kara. Kara: You don't command us. We command you. (Piper walks over to Kara and pushes her arm down.) How dare you. Piper: This isn't Valhalla. You don't have dominion over men here. (The biker guy runs back inside.) Freyja: Then how do you train them? How do they take orders? Piper: They don't, they do what they want. (The biker guy comes back out with about a dozen other bikers following him, wielding weapons.) You know, I have an idea of how we can blend in better. [Time lapse. Piper, Freyja, Mist and Kara are sitting on the bikers' motorbikes wearing leather clothes. They start them up and drive off, passing tied up bikers. The drive down the street past the crime scene. Darryl looks over and notices Piper.] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in talking on her cell phone.] Phoebe: A motorcycle, Darryl? Are you sure? That just is so not Piper. Leo did say that she might be back. Alright, I'll call Paige and you keep an eye... (Jason walks into the room.) Oh my god. (She holds up her phone in front of her face trying to hide behind it. Jason spots her. She puts the phone back against her ear.) Let me call you back, let me call you back. (She hangs up.) Jason! Hi! What are you doing here? Jason: Who me? I own the place. Phoebe: Right. I work here, that's why I'm... (Jason walks up to her and kisses her passionately. Everyone in the office stops work and stares.) Wh-What was I saying? Jason: Did you forget I was flying in today? Phoebe: No. Of course I didn't forget that you were flying back today. Just a little scattered, that's all. (She laughs, flustered.) Is the air conditioning not working in here or what? Jason: Uh, it feels fine to me. Phoebe, you look great, really. I like your hair. Phoebe: Thanks. I like yours too. (They walk into Phoebe's office.) Jason: Uh, listen, I was gonna go home, unpack, take a shower. But, uh, I was hoping that maybe later we could get together and have some dinner, you know. I know we didn't have anything planned officially but, you know, I was thinking that... (Phoebe grabs Jason and kisses him passionately.) I'm gonna take that as a yes then. (Phoebe steps back.) Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. (Jason walks closer to her and she moves away, around her desk.) Jason: No? Alright, uh, I just really missed you, Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh, I know, I can tell. (She backs right around her desk with him following her.) It's just, uh, it's very hard. I-I mean, hard to explain, that kind of hard. You know, not the other kind of hard, you know. Am I making any sense? Jason: Phoebe... Phoebe: No, no, don't come any closer, it'll just get harder. (She turns to face the door. He comes up behind her and kisses her neck.) Oh, god. I-I-I c-c-can't. P-P-P-Piper. (She gives in, turns around and kisses him. Jason looks up and sees the whole office looking in from the hallway. He closes the door. They all groan in disappointment.) [Scene: Warehouse. The three warriors are there. The Valkyries and Piper ride in on the motorbikes. The warriors pull out their weapons. Freyja gets off the bike.] Freyja: No, wait, it's me. You're making a mistake. (Piper, Mist and Kara get off the bikes too.) This is not the final battle, we've come to take you back to Valhalla. Warrior #2: What do you think? Warrior #3: I think the enemy wears many masks. (The warriors attack.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Street. Paige is taking Oscar for a walk. She's talking on her cell phone.] Paige: Well, you're the agency. How could you not know they were leaving town? They abandoned their dog. That, that is animal cruelty, okay? No! I-I can't take care of the dog. I've got responsibilities, pressing ones too. And besides, I need to make a statement to my family. This is not helping here. Hello? Hello? (She hangs up.) What am I doing? (Oscar barks.) Okay, I've just got to trust the universe, things happen for a reason. (Neighbour dogs bark.) What is going on here? Male Voice: Bad ass fight, that's what. (Paige looks around.) Paige: Who said that? Male Voice: Whoa, wait, you mean you can here me? (Paige looks down at Oscar. He's talking.) Well, hallelujah, it's about time. Paige: Please don't tell me you're talking to me. Oscar: Are you kidding? I've been trying to get your attention for two days now. I'm in serious trouble here. Paige: Okay, it's okay, Paige. You've dealt with weirder things than this. Maybe, maybe my powers are just advancing, maybe I can understand animals now. Oscar: Oh, please, give me a break. Until you accepted that there might be a reason you got this job, you weren't gonna be open to helping me. Paige: Help you do what? Oscar: Reverse an evil witch's curse and make me human again. Come on, if I'm evil too, it won't work, you know that. What have you got to lose? Paige: Well, it's a good point. This day couldn't get much suckier. Okay, here goes. Uh, "I call upon the Halliwells, I call our powers to undo this spell, make right again that we must, reverse the curse that made this mutt." (Oscar turns into a tall, good looking guy.) Oscar: That's better, thanks. Paige: Alright, don't mention it. As long as you don't hump my leg anymore we'll be cool. Oscar: Yeah, sorry, it's just what dogs do when they like someone. Paige: Oh, that's very sweet. So, why did an evil witch turn you into man's best friend, anyway? Oscar: Well, it's kind of complicated. Let's just say there's a million reasons. But let me help you. All those dogs out there? They're barking because there's some serious magic in the air. The kind of magic you might be looking for. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe and Jason pop up from behind her desk. They put their clothes back on.] Phoebe: I am so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. Jason: Why not? Why are apologising? You were unbelievable. Phoebe: Oh, please don't say it. Just don't. Jason: Well, it wasn't just you, you know. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, I know, I just, I, uh, wasn't myself, that's all. Jason: I don't understand. Phoebe: Yeah, I know you don't and that's okay. (She walks to the front of her desk.) As long as you stay on that side of the room everything should be fine. It's the only way I really know what I'm feeling. (She sits on a red couch.) Jason: Phoebe... Phoebe: Please, please, please, please, don't. Jason: Hey. What's the matter? You can talk to me. We like each other, Phoebe, you don't have to be afraid of that. I'm not gonna hurt you. Phoebe: Really? Jason: Really. Come here. (She gets up and hugs him. She gets a vibe.) Phoebe: Oh, no, not again! Jason: What? Phoebe: What do you mean what? Don't think I don't know. (There's a knock at the door. Phoebe opens it.) Paige: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Paige: Excuse us. You got a minute? Phoebe: Yeah. (Paige pulls Phoebe out into the main office.) Paige: What is the matter with you? Weren't you supposed to be... Phoebe: Okay, you don't have to yell at me because I can sense how mad you are. Paige: Okay, just because you can sense doesn't mean I can't vent. Phoebe: Where are we going right now? Paige: To find Piper. Phoebe: Do you know where she is? Paige: Yeah, a little doggy told me. (They leave.) [Scene: Mechanic Shop. The warriors are fighting with the Valkyries. One of the warriors throws Kara down onto a car. He jumps down beside her. Piper jumps up onto another car and grabs onto a long chain hanging from the roof. She swings across to Kara and just before the warrior can stab Kara, Piper kicks him out of the way.] Piper: Come on, get up. (Kara looks at Piper, shocked. They continue fighting. Piper uses a Valkyrie power and a hub cap floats to her. She uses it as a shield. Phoebe and Paige orb in near by.) Phoebe: Ooh, way to go Piper! (Paige hits her arm.) What? She's good. (Piper knocks down one of the warriors and notices Phoebe and Paige.) Piper: I'll take care of them. (She walks towards them.) Phoebe: Reverse the spell! Reverse the spell! Paige: Alright. Uh, "Spell was cast, now make it pass, remove it now, don't ask me how." (Piper waves her arm and Paige flies across the room.) Phoebe: Well, it serves you right. What kind of spell was that? Okay, Piper, I know why you'd rather be one of them. It's because you don't wanna feel pain. But you have to feel the pain because if you can't feel the pain, then you can't feel the good stuff either, you know? Right? (Piper kicks Phoebe and Phoebe lands on the floor.) Paige: Oh, and that was so much better. (A car screeches outside and then Darryl runs in wielding a gun.) Darryl: Freeze! Drop your weapons! (The warriors and Valkyries stop fighting. One of the warriors pulls out a dagger.) Phoebe: Piper! (The warrior throws the dagger at Darryl and Piper freezes it just in time. Darryl turns around and looks at the dagger. Freyja opens a portal.) Freyja: Now do you believe me? Go, get in. (The warrior grabs the dagger out of mid-air. They step into the portal.) Piper, let's go. (Freyja and Mist steps into the portal.) Paige: Piper, don't go. Kara: Hurry. Phoebe: Please. (Piper rushes over to the portal and Kara and her step into it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris are there.] Phoebe: There's gotta be a way to get Piper out of there. I know it. Paige: Well, unfortunately the reversal spell as you so kindly pointed out didn't exactly help Piper remember who she was. Phoebe: What do the Elders think? Chris: They think it had to be a demon who stuck Leo in Valhalla. Leo: But they're not sure. Chris: Still, it's their leading theory. Paige: Guys, this is about Piper. Leo: Actually, the Elders believe that your new power is key to helping save Piper. Phoebe: My new power? How do they figure? All it's done is make things worse. Leo: There's a reason you received it. They... We believe it's to help save Piper. So what exactly did you feel the last time from her? Phoebe: Not much. Paige: You said you felt something familiar, little things. Phoebe: Well, I mean, obviously I felt pain... and desire... to help. Paige: Well, she helped Darryl and that wasn't with her Valkyrie powers that was with her Charmed powers. Chris: The witch within must still be alive. Leo: And that's how you're gonna reach her. Phoebe: Yeah, but how? I mean, just because I can feel some glimmer of Piper's feelings doesn't mean she can. She's completely cut off from them. Chris: Wait-wait-wait, hold it. Isn't there a spell in the book that allows somebody to feel what you feel? Which in this case will be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling. Did that make sense? Paige: Um, frighteningly it did. What about that spell I used on Cole last year. The one to make him sense whether or not you loved him. I could reword it for Piper. Phoebe: Actually, that's worth a shot. Chris: Problem is you still have to get close to her to try it and that's not gonna be easy. Paige: Yeah, especially with Piper's powers. Leo: Maybe I could orb you. Phoebe: No, Leo, you're the reason she's in this emotional cocoon, you need to stay far away from her. No offence. Paige: Well, then the question is how do we get close enough to her without her kicking our butts? Phoebe: I can use my new power to counteract hers. Chris: How do you figure? Phoebe: Well, our powers are emotion based, right? If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers and then use them against her. [Scene: Valhalla. Rainforest. Piper is walking down the path. Phoebe and Paige come out of the bushes. Piper stops.] Piper: What are you doing here? Phoebe: We're here to take you home. (Piper uses her Valkyrie power and Paige flies backwards.) Paige: Why does she always pick on me first? (Phoebe stares Piper in her eyes. Piper tries to use the Valkyrie power on Phoebe but it barely works. Piper looks at her, confused. She tries again but nothing happens. Phoebe waves her arm and Piper flies backwards. She does it again.) Phoebe: Paige, now! Paige: "Open Piper's heart to reveal, that part which only Phoebe feels, send it back from whence it came, but don't protect her from the pain." (Red sparkly lights leave Phoebe's body and then hits Piper's body. A dozen or so Valkyries run out of the bushes and surround Phoebe and Paige.) Piper: No, wait. Freyja: Did they harm you? Piper: No, they helped me. I know what you do here, I understand its purpose so you can trust that your secret is safe. But I think it's time for me to go home. (Freyja smiles.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Night. Phoebe's standing outside Jason's office out of sight. Jason is sitting in his office. They're on their cell phones.] Jason: Jason Dean. Phoebe: Hi. Jason: Hi, Phoebe. I was starting to get a little worried. Did you get all my messages? Phoebe: Yeah, I did and I'm sorry I didn't call you back but... Jason: Let me guess, something came up? You are a mysterious woman, Phoebe. Phoebe: Is that a bad thing? Jason: No, it's a good thing. Except for when I'm trying to figure you out. Phoebe: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm having a hard time figuring myself out these days. Jason: I'm glad. I mean, I'm, you know, not that you're having trouble, it's just that it's not about me. It's not about me, is it? Phoebe: No, it's not about you. It's just that, uh, my feelings have been a little mixed up lately. Jason: Well, long distance relationships are not easy. Phoebe: No, they're not. Jason: So am I gonna see you again before I leave? Phoebe: Ah, I want to, I really do but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Jason: I understand. That's a lie, I don't. It's just that my favourite advice columnist once wrote that it's important for guys to be more understanding. So how am I doing? Phoebe: You're doing great, really great. Jason: So should I call you? Phoebe: Yeah, you better call me. Have a safe flight. Jason: Thanks. Phoebe: Bye. Jason: Bye. (They hang up.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Chris is there cleaning up the broken cabinet. Paige walks in all dressed up.] Paige: Hey, Chris. What are you doing? Chris: Wow, you look amazing. Paige: Thank you. Um, leave it, I'll help you clean it up tomorrow. Chris: It's okay, I don't mind. It's the least I can do. Paige: What do you mean, the least you can do? Chris: You know, for fighting with Leo. Paige: He attacked you, don't worry about it. Chris: Yeah, I know, like I said, it's cool. (Phoebe walks in through the front door.) Phoebe: Hi. Paige: Hey. Guess it didn't go that well with Jason? Phoebe: Well, I went all the way down there to talk to him and then I figured maybe it wasn't such a good idea that I even see him. At least not until I can control my new power. Paige: Judging by how its been going it might be just a little bit. Phoebe: I know, but what am I supposed to do? I'm gonna have to figure out how to use it sooner or later. And until then I'm just gonna stay away from horny men. Paige: Huh, good luck. Chris: Well, at least your power helped save Piper. That's gotta be a good thing, right? Paige: Yeah, we'll help her with what she's going through though. Phoebe: But at least she's going through it now. And that is a good thing. Paige: Yeah, well, let's hope. Well, I'm off to see Oscar. (Paige heads for the door.) Chris: Whoa, wait. Oscar the dog? Paige: Yeah, he's having a bit of a tough time adjusting. I don't really want him roaming the streets by himself. Especially since I am the one who rescued him. You know, I was having trouble with the whole idea of that temp agency thing. But I'm kind of digging it now, it's alright. Phoebe: Wait, wait, about Oscar. Paige: Bye. (Paige leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Piper is there sitting on a couch with Wyatt. Leo knocks on the door.] Piper: Who is it? Leo: It's me. Piper: Come in. (Leo walks in.) Piper: Hi. Leo: Hi. Piper: You want to hold him? Leo: Are you kidding? (Piper stands up holding Wyatt. Leo walks over and takes Wyatt from her.) He's gotten so big. Piper: Yeah. (Leo puts him in in his playpen.) Leo: Look, Piper, I wanna say I'm sorry for taking away your feelings. Piper: Leo, you don't have to apologise. I know that you were just trying to help me, I do. And it wasn't your fault, you weren't around to take the spell away. Leo: Well, it's somebody's fault, and I'm gonna find out whose. The other Elders want me to stick around until I do. To make sure nobody's targeting us again. Piper: So you're still an Elder then? Leo: Yeah. Piper: Um, I need to ask you a favour. Leo: Anything. Piper: I need some space from you. I mean, who knows this might actually turn out to be a good thing for me in the long run. I might be able to live some semblance of a normal life. Not being married to an angel. I get why you have to leave, Leo, and I understand that you can't ignore your calling, but I do have to deal with it somehow. With being alone, with being a single mother, and I can't really do that with you hanging around the house. I'm sorry. Leo, please, I need this. (Leo kneels down beside Wyatt.) Leo: I won't be far. (to Piper) You deserve a normal life, Piper. I really hope you find it. (He orbs out.)

Plan: A: Piper; Q: Who refuses to leave the Island of Valhalla? A: the Island of Valhalla; Q: Where does Piper stay after her memories return? A: the others; Q: Who returns home? A: the warriors; Q: Who follows Phoebe and Paige back to San Francisco? A: the Power of Three; Q: What is the name of the power that Phoebe has? A: San Francisco; Q: Where do the warriors start attacking innocents? A: the attacks; Q: What do the Valkyries try to stop? A: Phoebe's new power; Q: What does Leo urge Phoebe to use? A: Leo; Q: Who tries to discover who sent him to Valhalla? Summary: After Piper's memories return, she refuses to leave the Island of Valhalla and stays with the Valkyries while the others return home. Phoebe and Paige have to deal with the warriors who followed them back without the help of the Power of Three. After the warriors start attacking innocents across San Francisco, Piper and the other Valkyries arrive to try to stop the attacks. Upon learning of Phoebe's new power, Leo urges her to use it to try and turn Piper back. With the help of the other Elders, Leo tries to discover who sent him to Valhalla.

Teleplay: Robert Carlock Story: Scott Silveri [Scene: Central Perk] Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE! Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right? Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! Ross: Why do you care so much? Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean... Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... (Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her) Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! Joey: Hey! All: Hi! Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you! Ross: Ok. (they both go) Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh? Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious (which, being Joey, he mispronounces "amonious"). (pause) That's not how she used it...? Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me. Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Ross: Yeah, I know the type. Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close? Opening credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers) Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom) Monica: Hey, what's this? Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... Monica: Do you wanna go hunting? Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!! Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business! Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!! Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells. Rachel: I don't care about any of that!! Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship? Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it! Phoebe: Promise? Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate) Rachel: But I am going hunting!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment] Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today! Chandler: Oh, yeah? Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight? Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have s*x on it) Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. Chandler: We really need to take those tests? Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Monica: What is the big deal? Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office? Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell? Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's! Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea! Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory! Monica: (really embarrassed) OH! Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO! [Scene: Joey's apartment] Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! (somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie) Joey: Heeey! Charlie: Hi! Joey: Come on in, how are ya? Charlie: I'm good! Joey: Can I offer you a drink? Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh! Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself) Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun! Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first? Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok! Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. Joey: I know, yeah! Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET! Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees. Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! Joey: Which one, they all suck! Charlie: The museum! Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so. [Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters] Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there! Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. Receptionist: This has been torn up. Rachel: And... taped back together. Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. Rachel: Ok Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors. Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone) through the glass doors. Receptionist: Through the glass doors. Rachel: Alright-y then. (Phoebe enters the hall) Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me? Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked! Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. Receptionist: Then why you work here? Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work! Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening? [Scene: Central Perk] (Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa) Joey: Ross! Ross: Hi! Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie. Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really? Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem. Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it! Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Ross: Get to the problem! Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid! Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts? Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know! Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid. Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out! Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship. Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine. Joey: Thanks. Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET! Joey: The Metsss! Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans! Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love. Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok? Ross: Ok. Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there. Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods) [Scene: doctor's waiting room] Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet. Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. (a nurse walks in) Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok? Chandler: Yeah, I guess! Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you! Janice: OH MY GOD!! Chandler: Oh, Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this! Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! Chandler: Why are you here? Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here?? Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand). Chandler: What!? (Janice does her "Janice Laugh") Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves) Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave) Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you need a hand! Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves) [Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door] Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole. Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters) Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish... Monica: So, what's your name? Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea... Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name. Phoebe: Ja! Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction) Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage! Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers) Phoebe: Is something wrong? Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... (pause) Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm. Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum] Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said? Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks! Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you. Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused) Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this. Joey: Ok. Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly! Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy". Ross: Wow. What does that mean? Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear". Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance? Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the imaginary painting). Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings. Joey: Come on! you... (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again) Ross: No! (Slaps his hand) [Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms] Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone? Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow p0rn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit? Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over! Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results? Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok. Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is. Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby? Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine. Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'... Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! " [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging Rachel] Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks annoyed) Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse. Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja! Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... (Phoebe looks devastated) Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is? Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar... Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass! Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!! Phoebe: You know it's me? Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden! Phoebe: How can you come here? Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here? Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything! Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! Phoebe: Tips not included. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here? Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes! Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any! Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back! Rachel: Good for you Pheebs! Phoebe: Ok. Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you. [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on his laptop] Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die! (Charlie walks in.) Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, professor R. Geller. (hits <return>, closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey! Charlie: Hi! Ross: Hey, how was the Met? Charlie: The museum was amazing! Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh? Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense. Ross: What do you mean? Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around. Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right? Charlie: No, we went to the left. Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together. Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating). Ross: What? Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird. Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on. Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common with. You know what I mean? Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else. Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true. Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is. Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot! Ross: That was going to be my next argument. (Joey walks in) Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Charlie: Hey! Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready? Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross. Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up. Ross: Glad I could help man. Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I made it work. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.] Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now. (phone rings) Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up) (Monica walks in) Monica: Hey sweetie. Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called. Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you? Chandler: Actually it's both of us. Monica: What? Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment. Monica: Oh... what does that mean? Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means... Monica: Chandler? Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us. Monica: (weeping) Oh my God! Chandler: I'm sorry. Monica: I'm sorry too. (they hug) Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. Monica: (still weeping) I know. Closing credits [Scene: The Spa Reception. Phoebe walks in] Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe. Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning receptionist. Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1. Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back? (Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it) Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.

Plan: A: fertility testing; Q: What do Chandler and Monica undergo? A: Rachel; Q: Who makes an appointment at a massage place? A: Phoebe; Q: Who works at the massage place? A: Rachel's certificate; Q: What does Phoebe rip up? A: Phoebe's wishes; Q: What does Rachel go against? A: Charlie; Q: Who does Joey need help with? A: Ross; Q: Who does Joey turn to for advice? A: Guest star; Q: What is Maggie Wheeler's role in this episode? Summary: Chandler and Monica undergo fertility testing and are surprised to encounter Janice. Rachel makes an appointment at a massage place, Phoebe tells her the place is horrible and rips up Rachel's certificate. Rachel tapes the certificate back together and goes to the massage place against Phoebe's wishes, but she doesn't know that Phoebe actually works there. Joey needs help advancing in his relationship with Charlie, and turns to Ross for advice. Guest star: Maggie Wheeler

The Time Warrior By Robert Holmes Broadcast December 22nd 1973 Duration: 24'15 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD (SARAH is being dragged along by one of IRONGRON's MEN.) SARAH: Look, if this is a Rag Day joke, it's not funny! (She is dragged away, protesting all the while. The DOCTOR cautiously enters the courtyard. He ducks behind a cart as LINX enters and then pauses for a moment. The DOCTOR looks up and gives a nod of recognition at the sight of the Sontaran. LINX removes his helmet and turns round to camera, revealing his troll-like features! The DOCTOR turns at the sound of HAL being dragged into the courtyard by some more of IRONGRON's MEN. LINX hastily replaces his helmet and moves off. The DOCTOR ducks into a nearby doorway as they approach where he was hiding.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. HALL (One of IRONGRON's MEN is sharpening an axe on a rotating stone wheel. As he speaks, the sound of SARAH protesting at her captors grows louder.) IRONGRON: Make it keen. I want Sir Edward not to know the moment when his head is parted from his shoul... What's this?! (The protesting SARAH is dragged in by BLOODAXE, who has tight hold of her wrist.) BLOODAXE: Get inside, wench! SARAH: Let go of me! (SARAH slaps BLOODAXE's arm, trying to make him let go.) BLOODAXE: She was found within bowshot, Captain! SARAH: Idiots! (BLOODAXE releases his grip and lets her go.) SARAH: Why don't you stop this ridiculous pantomime. IRONGRON: Ah, she spits fire! Eh, Bloodaxe? Come here girl. SARAH: Get lost. (IRONGRON grabs SARAH and pulls her to him, snatching a gold chain from her neck.) IRONGRON: She wears gold, Bloodaxe. (SARAH tries without success to grab the chain back.) SARAH: That hurt, you fool! (IRONGRON now has hold of both her wrists.) IRONGRON: Do not call Irongron a fool. Or I'll have the marrow from your bones, my little chicken. Now where are you from? SARAH: Now look, just pack this up, will you, it's not funny. I happen to be a reporter and I've got a big story... (IRONGRON shoves her to BLOODAXE who grabs her by the wrist again.) IRONGRON: Take her away, Bloodaxe. Throw her in the dungeon. (The MAN who has been sharpening the axe hands it to IRONGRON.) SARAH: Why don't you take off that ridiculous gear and go home to your butcher's shop! (BLOODAXE starts to drag her away but she resists.) SARAH: (To BLOODAXE.) Let go! Look, I warn you, any more of this and I'm going straight to the police. (BLOODAXE turns to drag her away.) IRONGRON: Stay, Bloodaxe! BLOODAXE: Captain. IRONGRON: Leave her. (BLOODAXE lets go. SARAH rubs her wrist.) SARAH: That's better. Hmph! Now if I could just use your telephone. (We hear a loud cry from off-set. Two of IRONGRON's MEN drag in a struggling HAL and force him to his knees before IRONGRON.) BLOODAXE: This is the dog that shot at you, Captain. IRONGRON: So you thought to kill Irongron, eh? HAL: Aye, and I would, but for her. She drew my aim aside. IRONGRON: You treacherous dog. Did Sir Edward send you? HAL: No. IRONGRON: You lie. HAL: I speak the truth. IRONGRON: If not Sir Edward, who then?! (IRONGRON has raised the axe above his head, ready to strike.) SARAH: I don't understand...where am I? HAL: It was...my Lady Eleanor. (At this, IRONGRON lowers the axe.) IRONGRON: Ah, that narrow-hipped vixen. Bloodaxe, tomorrow we dine at Wessex Castle! (The MEN drag HAL to his feet as IRONGRON sits at the table.) BLOODAXE: Yes, Captain. And what of the prisoner? IRONGRON: Ere long we shall deal with him sharply. (BLOODAXE laughs and gestures for the MEN to take HAL away, which they do.) IRONGRON: Sharply, eh? 'Tis richly put. (BLOODAXE sits next to him.) BLOODAXE: Aye, that'll be a fine jest, Captain Irongron. IRONGRON: I'm not one of your stuffy Norman nobles. I like a bit of rough fun. BLOODAXE: 'Tis true Captain, you have a merry wit indeed. SARAH: Look, please. Now you've had your laugh now, you know, just stop it and let's talk sensibly. I mean, if it's any consolation to you, you're scaring me out of my wits. BLOODAXE: P'raps the wench is crazed, Captain. SARAH: Oh come on! What is this place? IRONGRON: You are in the Castle of Irongron, my lady. Few uninvited guests come here and few that do leave alive. SARAH: All right, if you insist on playing guessing games...now... it's not a village pageant, it's too elaborate for that...a film set?...no, no - no lights, no cameras... IRONGRON: Aye, the wench is crazed right enough. A pity. She is not uncomely. SARAH: I've got it! It's one of those tourist places...er...a medieval castle all restored to its original condition, with jolly banquets and buxom serving wenches! That's it, isn't it? Mind you, I think you've overdoing the sordid realism a bit. I mean, I know things were a bit grotty in the middle ages, but really! You might leave the tourists a bit of glamorous illusion. I've never seen such a scurvy, smelly... IRONGRON: For pity's sake, cease this babbling, girl! BLOODAXE: Captain! (LINX enters, carrying a control box.) IRONGRON: Ah, Linx. What of my weapons. Are they ready? LINX: Soon. But I have another weapon to show you. BLOODAXE: By your leave, master. The prisoner. IRONGRON: Aye, aye... (BLOODAXE exits. LINX notices SARAH.) LINX: What is this? IRONGRON: Hmm? Oh, just a girl taken in the forest. LINX: Girl? You have two species on this planet? IRONGRON: How say you? LINX: The girl is not of your kind, Irongron. The hair is finer, the thorax of a different construction. IRONGRON: Oh hell's teeth, have you no girls beyond the stars? No women to do the lowly work? LINX: Ah, I understand. You have a primary and secondary reproductive cycle. It is an inefficient system, you should change it. IRONGRON: You what? LINX: At the Sontaran Military Academy we have hatchings of a million cadets at each muster parade. Thus we can sustain enormous casualties on all battle fronts. IRONGRON: Linx, you cluck away like a broody old hen. LINX: Wait! (LINX examines SARAH's jacket.) LINX: This cloth is machine woven. The girl is not of your time, Irongron. (LINX produces a wand-like weapon from his belt and points it at SARAH. It lights up and makes a humming sound.) IRONGRON: Curse the girl, show me the wea... (SARAH's expression goes blank.) LINX: Who? What? How? SARAH: Sarah Jane Smith, reporter. In a machine, I did not understand it. LINX: What century? SARAH: Twentieth. LINX: Your civilisation know nothing about time dimensional technology. Explain. SARAH: I cannot. It is a machine that belongs to someone called "The Doctor". IRONGRON: Linx... LINX: SILENCE! This is important! My mission is threatened. Explain "The Doctor". SARAH: He is a scientist. He was at the research centre. He said he was very fond of Delta particles. LINX: Ah. Is he here? SARAH: Yes. Somewhere. I was hiding in the machine as he left. LINX: It becomes clear. (He turns from SARAH, who begins to come to.) IRONGRON: Linx, what of the weapon? LINX: Very well. It is here. (LINX activates the control box and his ROBOT enters. It is dressed like a knight with a visored helmet, obscuring any features it may have within. It stops before IRONGRON who approaches it.) IRONGRON: Who are you? How do you come into my castle? Well, speak fellow! Answer me or lose your head for insolence! LINX: It cannot answer you. It is just a suit of steel. It is empty. IRONGRON: But it walks! LINX: It walks... (He operates the control box.) LINX: ...and it fights! (The ROBOT KNIGHT raises its sword.) LINX: Irongron, is it a good weapon? IRONGRON: Does it kill? LINX: It does nothing else and it cannot be killed. IRONGRON: By heavens, Linx, can you make me more of these? LINX: If you wish. (Behind them, SARAH starts to creep out of the hall, unseen.) IRONGRON: With a few such soldiers as that I could take the world! LINX: When I have left this dull planet, it would amuse me to think of it under the rule of King Irongron. Very well, provide me with all that I ask for and I can make many more of these. IRONGRON: It's a bargain. By heavens, Linx, I never thought when I first saw you that I should come to love you as a brother. Now, show me how the iron man works! LINX: Wait...the girl creature has gone. IRONGRON: Oh, she'll not get far before one of my guards grabs her tail. Now, show me - show me how it fights, make it walk again. (LINX activates the control box and the ROBOT KNIGHT turns and starts smashing its sword against the table, much to the amusement of IRONGRON who laughs with glee.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. CORRIDOR. "T" JUNCTION (SARAH enters from our right. The DOCTOR enters from our left. At the sight of him, SARAH runs off down the left-hand corridor, The DOCTOR calls after her...) DOCTOR: Sarah? Miss Smith. Come back! (The DOCTOR hides as IRONGRON's MEN pass by with the struggling HAL. Once they have passed, The DOCTOR ascends the staircase at the corridor's rear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. EXT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. COURTYARD (Close up on HAL as he is forced onto the chopping block. BLOODAXE raises an axe above his head, ready to strike.) IRONGRON: (OOV.) Stay! Bloodaxe! (Reveal IRONGRON.) BLOODAXE: Sire! (IRONGRON advances toward HAL and gestures for his MEN to get him up from the chopping block, which they do. IRONGRON roughly pushes one of them aside and addresses HAL.) IRONGRON: Would you fight for your life, fellow? HAL: I'll fight any man, my lord. (IRONGRON laughs, adjusts the control box and Linx's ROBOT KNIGHT enters the courtyard.) IRONGRON: Then stand against Irongron's Champion. BLOODAXE: Who is this? IRONGRON: You'll see some sport now, Bloodaxe. (He hands HAL his bow and arrows.) IRONGRON: Here, fellow. BLOODAXE: Master, this is not fair combat - to pitch knight against bowman. At this close range his arrows'll pierce the armour's weak points IRONGRON: Ready to aim, fellow? HAL: I am that. IRONGRON: Your freedom if you kill him. Stand back! (They all move away, leaving HAL alone to face his opponent. SARAH enters but quickly ducks back into hiding.) BLOODAXE: Your champion'll have more arrows in his gizzard than a thistle has spikes. (As IRONGRON adjusts the control box, HAL fires his first arrow. It hits the ROBOT KNIGHT in the chest but has no effect.) BLOODAXE: My lord, look! He still moves! (On the Battlements above, two of IRONGRON'S MEN watch the duel in the courtyard below. They do not spot the DOCTOR enter from the staircase behind them. The ROBOT KNIGHT advances on the helpless HAL, who falls as he backs away. The ROBOT KNIGHT raises its sword for the death-blow. But before it can strike, the DOCTOR takes up a nearby crossbow and shoots the control box from IRONGRON's hand.) IRONGRON: What fool...? (The ROBOT KNIGHT now turns round and advances on IRONGRON.) BLOODAXE: Guard your back, my lord! (IRONGRON backs away. HAL, forgotten for the moment, takes cover behind a nearby cart.) BLOODAXE: (OOV.) Captain! (BLOODAXE throws IRONGRON an axe. SARAH gestures to HAL to join her in hiding. He runs for cover as IRONGRON knocks off the ROBOT KNIGHT's helmet. After a moment, it falls to the ground.) IRONGRON: By heavens, Bloodaxe. 'Tis like a tin tadpole. You cut off its head and yet it wriggles. (We see that the ROBOT KNIGHT is still swinging its sword.) IRONGRON: I'll have a word with Linx about this. (He growls and leaves the courtyard. As his MEN gather round to laugh at the ROBOT, SARAH and HAL slip away unnoticed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (LINX, minus his helmet, activates a control. There are various zombie-like SCIENTISTS - captured from the research centre - at work around the room at various pieces of equipment. They wear control devices on their heads. We pan up to see the DOCTOR's face appear at a grille at the entrance to a drainage channel that traverses the room. Someone batters on the door to the workshop.) IRONGRON: (OOV.) Linx? Linx, you mongrel! I have a bone to pick with you! Come here! LINX: I am occupied, Irongron. IRONGRON: What? Out this minute or I'll burst the door down. (He continues his assault upon the door, which gives way. IRONGRON enters and stands shocked at his first sight of LINX.) LINX: Well? What is it you need to say to me? (IRONGRON is speechless.) LINX: Didn't I tell you you might not find my face pleasing? IRONGRON: Aye. And never was truer word spoken. Are they all so fair of face beyond the stars? LINX: The variety of sentient life forms is infinite. D'you think your primitive features are pleasing to me? Well, what is it you want? IRONGRON: That accursed iron warrior of yours. LINX: You are pleased with it? IRONGRON: Some knave with a crossbow shot the control from my hand. The iron man became crazed, tried to kill all of us. LINX: Perhaps the hand control unit itself is a weakness...I will make you a better warrior, Irongron. One that'll obey your voice perhaps. IRONGRON: First, help me kill the one I have now. It still struggles to slay my knaves. LINX: It cannot be killed. It was never alive. Come. I will de-activate it. (They exit together as the DOCTOR pushes out the grille in the drainage channel and clambers down into the room. He crosses to Irongron's Spaceship and looks inside. He watches the zombie-like SCIENTISTS as they work. He recognises one of them.) DOCTOR: Professor Morrison? (The man ignores him and goes about his work. One of Irongron's men enters and places some rifles on a table. He moves in the same zombie-like way. The DOCTOR examines the rifles.) DOCTOR: Absolute lunacy. (He spots an important-looking control panel and crosses over to it. He looks up and sees...) DOCTOR: Rubeish! (Reveal RUBEISH entering. He is minus his glasses.) RUBEISH: Who is it? DOCTOR: It's me, it's the Doctor. Don't you remember? We were on the same landing at the research centre. RUBEISH: Oh my dear fellow! So he's got you too, has he? DOCTOR: No, hardly. Look, Professor. What's wrong with all these people? RUBEISH: Hypnotised. Can't get a word out of 'em. Rotten company. DOCTOR: Well you seem to be all right? RUBEISH: Ah, didn't work with me. Strong-minded, you see. DOCTOR: Yes, and very nearly blind. RUBEISH: Oh, nonsense. DOCTOR: Obviously working some sort of ocular device. Professor, have you any idea where you are? RUBEISH: Yes, some sort of medieval English castle, I suspect. I've been feeling the carvings on some of theses columns. They're astonishingly well preserved. DOCTOR: Yes, well, you're in a castle all right. But d'you know the time? RUBEISH: About four in the afternoon...? We haven't had breakfast yet, you know. Doesn't feed us much. Once a day if we're lucky. DOCTOR: Now Professor, listen to me. This may come as a shock to you, so steel yourself. You have been brought back to the early years of the Middle Ages! RUBEISH: That's interesting. I've always maintained that the Loop Theory Of Time shouldn't have been so arrogantly dismissed by Crabshaw and his cronies. DOCTOR: Yes, well, tell me about it some other time, will you, we've got to get out of here before Linx comes back. RUBEISH: Oh not yet, Doctor. Why, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. D'you know, there's some very interesting work being done here. If only I could see it all properly... DOCTOR: Professor, your life is in considerable danger, I must insist that you... RUBEISH: Oh, you go if you want to, Doctor. Go on. But leave me alone. DOCTOR: But Professor, don't you understand...? (RUBEISH wanders out of shot as LINX crashes in, throwing the door wide open and facing the DOCTOR, weapon drawn in readiness.) LINX: Stop! You are the one called the Doctor? DOCTOR: You know who I am? LINX: I have been expecting you. Why did you follow me to this time? DOCTOR: To prevent your interference in the affairs of Earth. Don't you realise the harm that you'll cause? LINX: This primitive planet and it's affairs are of no importance. DOCTOR: That's a typically Sontaran attitude. LINX: Only one thing matters: to complete the repairs to my ship and return to the glorious war that is my destiny. Nothing must interfere with that. Nothing - and nobody. (LINX raises the wand-like weapon and fires. The DOCTOR is bathed in a fierce red light. His face twists in pain!) [SCENE_BREAK] 6 .INT. SIR EDWARD'S CASTLE (Hal and Sarah are with Sir Edward and Lady Eleanor. A servant pours some wine into Sir Edward's cup.) HAL: I vouch for her, my lord. Without her help I would not be here. ELEANOR: She looks like one I would trust. Sit, child, and tell us where you're from. (Sarah sits down.) SARAH: I can't. It's too difficult to explain. EDWARD: The manner of her dress is strange, and the manner of her speech. HAL: There is much strange at Irongron's castle, Sir Edward. I told you of the knight that fights on, though it should be dead. And one of the guards told me there's a man from the stars that lives among them; a mighty wizard who makes magic weapons. EDWARD: A man from the stars? I've heard it said he has the help of devils and magicians. HAL: It is true, Sir Edward! I have seen it! SARAH: Well, I know who's helping him - it's the Doctor. ELEANOR: The Doctor? SARAH: Ah, well that's what he calls himself, but he's no magician, just some eccentric scientist. EDWARD: What does she say? ELEANOR: Her words are strange, but I know her meaning. Who is this Doctor? What do you know of him? SARAH: Scientists, learned men - they're being taken from the place I come from, and I believe that the Doctor is bringing them here and handing them over to Irongron. ELEANOR: What would Irongron want with these wizards? HAL: To make him magic weapons, my Lady. Irongron thinks only of war and conquest. EDWARD: Anything that makes Irongron strong can work only to our harm. HAL: With an army of magic knights such as I fought, Irongron could conquer the whole kingdom. Well, who knows what other sorceries he may soon have at his command? SARAH: I'm sure the Doctor's the key to it all. He was there when one of the scientists was taken. He has a machine that can travel through time - well, it must be him! And somehow we've got to stop him! EDWARD: If he's Irongron's ally, he sits safe within Irongron's walls, there's naught we can do. SARAH: Oh, there's always something you can do - it' s just a matter of working out what! EDWARD: Brave speech. HAL: She has the heart of a lion, Sire. I saw her give Irongron the sharp edge of her tongue. EDWARD: If I had an army of girls such as you I might hold this castle forever. As it is, how can I fight Irongron and this Doctor? SARAH: Alright, I'll tell you how. Now, the first thing we must do is grab the Doctor and get him away from Irongron. EDWARD: And force him to make his magic for me? Haha, good thought - aye but how could it be done? SARAH: Oh, what's wrong with you? All it needs is a sort of commando raid - you knock out the sentries, rush into the castle, grab the Doctor and away! Well, you've got soldiers haven't you? EDWARD: A handful - a raid? A bold plan. HAL: I'll go, Sir Edward. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (The Doctor sits on the floor rubbing the back of his neck. Linx is stood over him, covering him with his weapon. Various controlled scientists and knaves move around, fulfilling their tasks.) LINX: You resisted well, Doctor. I could have increased the power, but it might have killed you. I need you alive. A brain of your capacity can be of use to me. DOCTOR: Thank you. LINX: You're not of this planet, how came you to be here? DOCTOR: Oh, I'm just a tourist, I like it here. LINX: This hole in space. DOCTOR: You haven't seen it at its best. LINX: It has no military value, no strategic significance. DOCTOR: Once again - a Sontaran philosophy. LINX: I'm Commander Linx - Fifth Sontaran Army Space Fleet. DOCTOR: Yes... yes, just as I thought. A Sontaran Warrior. (He gets to his feet.) DOCTOR: So, the perpetual war between the Sontarans and the Rutans has spread to this tiny planet, has it? LINX: Emergency landing. I was on a reconnaissance mission when I was attacked by a squadron of Rutan fighters. You have encountered my race before, Doctor? DOCTOR: Unfortunately. LINX: I'll overlook that insult for the moment. What is your native planet? DOCTOR: Gallifrey. I am a Timelord. LINX: Ah yes, a race of great technical achievement, but lacking the morale to withstand a determined assault. DOCTOR: Oh, do you think so? LINX: I'm only a lowly Commander, Doctor. I merely quote from the appreciation circulated by our military intelligence. DOCTOR: Yes, well you'd be advised never to put that appreciation to the test, Linx. LINX: My only ambition at the moment is to return to my squadron. You can be of value to me. You can help me to repair this ship. DOCTOR: You seem to have acquired some help already. LINX: Primitives. I adapted my ship's frequency modulator and projected myself forward as far as I could. Unfortunately I only had the power to reach the twentieth century. DOCTOR: From which you stole the help and the equipment you couldn't find here. LINX: Yes. But the work goes slowly. DOCTOR: Commander Linx, if you will return these people to their own time I might possibly consider helping you. LINX: Do not attempt to bargain with me, Doctor! (gestures) Take that seat there by the controls. Move! DOCTOR: You're interfering with human evolution, Linx. Don't you realise the damage you're going to do to them? (The Doctor sits in front of a computer bank. At the rear of the seat is a pole with a device attached that is above head.) LINX: I have no interest in human evolution. (He adjusts a control and puts a headset on the Doctor's head.) LINX: I'm placing you under auto-control, Doctor. To ensure your complete co-operation. DOCTOR: Human beings must be allowed to develop at their own pace. At this period, they're just a few steps from barbarism. LINX: You will monitor progress rates on the input panel against the programmer (flicks a switch) Now I must leave you in charge for a time. (He leaves the Doctor, puts on his helmet and picks up some rifles from a nearby table.) DOCTOR: You give them breech-loading guns now, they'll have atomic weapons by the seventeenth century. They'll have the capability to destroy their own planet before they're civilised enough to handle it! (A spark of electricity shoots out from the device above into the Doctor's headset. He winces in pain.) LINX: You would do well to concentrate on the task I have given you, Doctor. Answer the programmer. (He exits, leaving the Doctor to push buttons on the control panel. He tries to take off the headset and slide out from underneath it but gets another electric shock both times.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. EXT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE ENTRANCE (One of the guards is attacked as the raid begins. Sarah has changed into contemporary clothing.) HAL: I still say this is no work for women. SARAH: I wouldn't have missed this for anything. Anyway, I'm the only one who knows what the Doctor looks like. Come on, this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE (Linx has brought the rifles to Irongron & Bloodaxe.) IRONGRON: Ah, now these are more to my taste than your iron man, Linx. LINX: I will still prefect the fighting robot for your army, Irongron. IRONGRON: We'll take these weapons to the men, Bloodaxe and I will instruct them in their use. Tomorrow morning, at dawn, we march on Sir Edward's castle. (Reveal Sarah and Hal listening from outside.) BLOODAXE: Yes captain. IRONGRON: By sunset he'll be feeding the crows. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INT. LINX'S WORKSHOP (The Doctor is pressing buttons when he spots...) DOCTOR: Rubeish! Professor, over here quickly. RUBEISH: That you, Doctor? I thought you were going? DOCTOR: Change of plan, old chap. Look, I want your help. RUBEISH: (looking at the headset) Are you wearing a hat? DOCTOR: Behind me there's a panel. You'll find a switch on it. RUBEISH: Dangerous, you know. Overheats the brain... Panel... Oh yes, I've got it. DOCTOR: Right, turn the switch. RUBEISH: Always thought that's why Judges are so peculiar - it's those wigs they wear. (Rubeish flicks the wrong switch, electrocuting the Doctor.) DOCTOR: No! NO! The wrong-aaargh! (Rubeish turns it off.) RUBEISH: Oh, I do wish I'd brought my glasses. DOCTOR: So do I, Professor. It was the wrong one. RUBEISH: Is this the one? (It is. Gingerly the Doctor slides out from underneath the device, removing the headset.) DOCTOR: Yes, that was the one. Thank you very much indeed, Professor. RUBEISH: Not at all, Smith. DOCTOR: Smith...! Yes, will you excuse me, I've got to go and find a young girl. I'll see you later. I hope. (He exits.) RUBEISH: Young girl? I would've thought he was a bit old for that sort of thing...oh well. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. PASSAGEWAY (The Doctor rounds a corner and meets Irongron and Bloodaxe.) DOCTOR: Ah! Good evening! (He reaches out to shake Bloodaxe's hand. When Bloodaxe responds, the Doctor knocks him into Irongron, causing them both to fall to the floor. The Doctor runs off. They scramble to their feet and give chase.) IRONGRON: Get after him! Call the guards! [SCENE_BREAK] 12. EXT. IRONGRON'S CASTLE. COURTYARD (The Doctor is being chased by several of Irongron's men. Sarah and Hal watch from a battlement above.) HAL: They try to kill their wizard. SARAH: Quick, we need him alive! (Hal takes aim as the Doctor stumbles and falls. Irongron steps up to him.) IRONGRON: He who strikes Irongron dies! (Irongron lifts his axe over his head...)

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who tracks the missing scientists to Irongron's castle? A: Linx; Q: Who is using the scientists to repair his spaceship? A: advanced weapons; Q: What is Linx using the scientists to construct? Summary: The Doctor tracks the missing scientists to Irongron's castle, where Linx is using them to repair his spaceship and construct advanced weapons for Irongron.

Ted joins Barney, Marshall and Lily at McLaren's. Barney: Guess what I have behind my back. Lily: Wait, wait. I will find. Left. Barney: Not a good game but okay. Five tickets well placed to Robots vs. Wrestlers. Marshall: Robots vs. Wrestlers? Ted: Great! Barney: You know Robots vs. Wrestlers? Marshall: No. Ted: But we think some kind of sport in which robots wrestlers. Barney: That's exactly it, according to the website! Lily: Wait, wait. Who is the fifth ticket? Barney: Uh... Robin. I know... She lives with her boyfriend and she said not wanting to hang out with us, but it's Robots vs. Wrestlers. Robots vs.... Wrestlers! Marshall: Barney is right. It is impossible to deny that. Robin, on the phone: I refuse. I'd like to come but, I go out with Don Saturday. There is a Chinese. Lily: I assume you're talking about cooking, otherwise I would have other issues. Robin: I'm sorry, Lily, but I have a chance to Don. And I will not drink out with you every night... especially when "you" included two of my ex. Lily: I understand. You're right. We miss you much. Robin: You too. I gotta go. It is called? (She hangs up) Sorry, New York, I had to answer. Where were we? Bus accident. Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney are at the bar. Barney: She said no? How could she? Robots vs. Wrestlers of our tradition is the largest group. Lily: Tradition? It was never done. Barney: It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily. This is obviously a tradition. It starts like this. First, Robin moves in with Don and Marshall and Lily have a baby, then Ted... Ted: Goes? Barney: I was going to say "was found eaten by her cats," but it's not good either. Everybody leaves me, and I like it! Lily: Do not worry about a baby on our side. It is not yet started. Marshall: Absolutely. A small road. Lily: A small long road. Marshall: But you can see. Lily: Very, very far. Marshall: But you can see the exit sign. Lily: Oh? I see it. Marshall: You should put yourself on track. Ted: I understand how you feel. It is important friendship. In this regard, Emerson wrote a great poem, titled Friendship. You'll love it. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea..." Ted (2030): It's always been like that, with the group as soon as I tried to get some culture. Flashback Ted: You must try this Syrah. A taste of creme de cassis, red berries, oak heated... (Marshall and Lily are the kitchen while Ted sat on the bench) letter in September, baritone white. Of course! A lyric baritone! Which is higher than a bass-baritone.There is a key moment in the second act of La Boheme... End flashback Ted: I try to add some class to our meetings. It's like this quote from Dante's Inferno. "Consider the race of which you are created not to live like brutes but to follow virtue and knowledge."Or, in Italian original... Marshall, Barney and Lily laugh, from Ted. GENERIC Barney: You're right. I exaggerate with this story of Robin. What is an announcement? Wife Robin Don. I'll die alone! Ted eventually eaten by her cats! Ted: Relax... It's for Marissa Heller. Barney: Marissa Heller? She looks good. Face, breasts, describe. Begins with the breasts. Ted (2030): Who is Marissa Heller? Flashback 10 years earlier... Ted (2030): The mystery began when we moved there 10 years. Marshall: Ted! It was our first post! It is popular. It was... a golf magazine for... Marissa Heller. A catalog of wicker furniture, also Marissa Heller. And a voucher for a bird shop... addressed to Marissa Heller... or check it out... "Current Resident." It's us! It has mail! Ted: Fantastic! That must be the previous tenant. I wonder how it looks. Ted (2030): And that's how an image began to form. A picture of Marissa Heller, Marissa... the golfer Heller, one who loves the wicker... And Marissa Heller, ornithophilic. End flashback Ted: And since, in every mail we receive, the picture becomes clearer. But we know not how it looks. I will follow it as always... Lily: Open it. Ted: An invitation to the annual Spring Jefferson Van Smoot, for Saturday night... in his apartment in Alberta! Friends... This is the most beautiful building in Manhattan! We gotta go! Marshall: It depends, on the invitation, it's about robots fighting wrestlers to rule the galaxy? Ted: It's about an open bar. Barney: We change the plan for Saturday. Evening Marissa Heller for alcohol and Robots vs. Wrestlers. But one of us should pretend to Marissa Heller. Marshall: I'm flattered but Lily should. Ted (2030): The big night arrived. Our first stop... The building Alberta. Ted, Marshall, Lily and Barney enters the building. Ted: This building is fabulous! You saw the gate and terracotta panels outside? Lily: I just got a text from Robin. It says... Barney: Guys, we get together. Lil, you can do... All you have to watch the guy in front, say your name is Marissa Heller, and it passes. And I repeat, to be sure, no accent. Lily: It is certain that it is not English, though? Okay! I do. I go there. (A young woman arrives) Sorry. Go ahead. Woman: I come for the reception of Mr. Van Smoot. I'm Marissa Heller. Lily: Damn it then! Ted: That's Marissa Heller. She is pretty. Marshall: She has beautiful teeth. It should not need the reminder cards to go to the dentist. Lily: What do we do? Barney: I do we go to the party, that's what! (He goes to Marissa) We met at the meeting of ornithophilic. Marissa: I do not believe. Barney: Lovers of wicker? Marissa: No. Barney Stinson, outside. It will not. Ted: I'm on it. This lift uses the same mechanism from its installation in 1906. It seems that Lamar Louis Skolnick, the architect of the building, has cut the panels himself. Marissa: A fan of Skolnick? I love the juxtaposition between the German Renaissance outside... Ted: And some French influence inside! He was an architect with a poet's soul, really. Lily, holding Barney: No, no. It works. Ted: I must make a confession. It is not on the list, but I always wanted to see the inside of Alberta. Marissa: So, this way. We are together. Barney: I said I'd get us. They take the elevator. Lily: So... nobody saw The Young and the Restless? Flashback Lily: Great! Who commissioned illustrated soap? Marissa Heller, I like your style. End flashback Lily: No one? Do I understand that there is not one fan of soap in this elevator? Marissa: I have no television. The only opera I see are at the Met. Ted: Prem's. They exit the elevator. Marissa: I'm sorry. Jefferson, my dear. Marshall: I'm not dressed for it. Barney: In a coined word "asshole-Apocalypse." Ted: This is Peter Bogdanovich, talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz, crossword editors of The New York Times! Try at least, Chow and alcohol free. 20 minutes and off we go. Man: But, the music changed, and Glovanni Artusi, simply do not understand the new way of composing. Ted: Sorry, you talk about the fourth book of madrigals? Man: Dear boy, what else? Ted: This is my favorite book of madrigals. Server: smoked foie gras with mango and caramel cream? Marshall: You have nothing that resembles a mini cheeseburger? Server: I do not think, sir. Marshall: Mini pizzas? French fries? Something that makes me think I'm a giant? Server: I look, sir. Marshall: He will watch it. Barney talks to a woman. Barney: This morning I made the heart of the Ambassador of the Netherlands. I hope he gets better. Woman: Really? A colleague of mine was prescribed Coumadin. And it is impossible it should be anticoagulated and if she had surgery. Ted: You know who published an article on great Walt Whitman, and political semantics? Professor Hammersmith Oxford. Woman: I'm the teacher Hammersmith. Man: That's exactly what Truffaut spoke in his 1954 article in Cahiers du Cinema. Cinema is the substance of the filmmaker. Marshall, laughing: Films... right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Fun Fact of Willem Dafoe, his name sounds a bit like a frog, a parrot that talks. Willem Dafoe...! Willem Dafoe...! Barney: As Undersecretary of Finance, I had a great influence on this legislation. Now, I wonder if you will accompany me in the map room to stimulate my package. Woman: I do not think, my dear. You're too old for me. Barney: Zsa Zsa Gabor is still sexy, but other than that, it is rotten this holiday. Lily: We tried, it's been 20 minutes. We are going. Where is Ted? Marshall: I know how to find it. Just a second... (They clap a gong) gongs, eh? Stronger than we think. Man: Boy, this gong is a relic of 500 years that has not been hit since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885. Marshall: It is the relic of his wife 500 years that has not been hit since WS Gilbert at the premiere of The Mikado in London in 1885. Ted: Friends, Will Shortz, editors of the Times crossword. You know, I always say they use "Ulee" of Gold Life for vowels? Tell them. Will Shortz: That's the vowels. Marshall: Can I talk for a second? Ted: Ten letters, a diminutive egg pie? Will: Mini quiche? Where? Ted: There. A great reception. Marshall: Grave. We are going. It's time for Robots vs. Wrestlers. Marissa: Ted. There you are. We will soon make blind-tests of white wine. It will surely be great. Ted: I missed that glitch. I know, do not bother to say. There's no glitch in the wine. Lily: Miss Lily in the living room with the chancellor. Man: Great God, no! They belonged to Edgar Allan Poe! Lily: Sorry! Ted: Look, I'm having fun here, so I'll pass Robots vs. Wrestlers. Barney: But you never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers. It happens that way. First Robin us loose, and now you? And for those pretentious snobs and old game? Ted: Actually, I like those pretentious snobs and they are not old fashioned fart noise when I open my mouth. I remain. See you tomorrow. Barney: It's an evening. Lily: It means nothing. Barney: It means everything. If you come not to Robots vs. Wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship. Ted: See you tomorrow. Barney: All right. So you do most of our group, forever. You can ask to return in 2 years. Come see wrestlers fight like robots. I'm embarrassed. I forgot something. [SCENE_BREAK] Barney taps the gong and enters the elevator with Marshall and Lily. Man: Where did your buddies? Ted: You know, a reading of poetry. Marshall, Barney and Lily attend combat Robots vs. Wrestlers. Marshall: The best tradition of all time! Barney: You crazy not me, Marshall. Let's be honest. The group is finite. Ted is gone, like Robin. That separates us as well. Lily: Boy, Barney, stop with your abandonment issues. Ted has the right to have a life outside the group. As we all. Barney: Wait. Why do you say that all of a sudden? My God, you're pregnant! Lily: No. Barney: My God, have you ever had the baby! It is just behind me, huh? Lily: No, silly. One day we all move forward in our lives. It's called growing up. Robot: That's all you got, fagot? Barney: You can at least promise to not get pregnant within a year? Lily: I can not. Barney: You can not? Marshall: You can not? Ted is blindfolded, a glass in hand. Ted: Citrus and honeycomb with a sharp acidity. This is a Sauvignon Blanc, Loire Valley. The town of Sancerre. Man: Okay, again! Bravo, my boy! Barney: No! You can not have children! You want to raise a child in this crazy world. Marshall: The world is pretty cool right now. Barney: Okay, Lily, I have no choice. If you have a daughter, day, no, the minute she is 18... Gong! Marshall: Babies. Barney: I hope Ted is unhappy. Ted sings. Will: Ted, you are a remarkable lyric baritone. Ted: Thank you, Will Shortz. Barney: Okay, you can have a baby, but only under the following conditions: 1-You promise to always love me more than the baby, 2-Once a month, I can use to shake the baby, 3 - It may include a drop baby from the first floor and that saves me; 4-No breastfeeding in front of me. Forget the five-four, get out your breasts when you want. Ted (2030): And something extraordinary happened. Marshall: Holy sh1t! Lily: I can not believe! Ted: Of course, hell is an interesting concept, is not it? I always liked to imagine it as Dante's Divine Comedy. If I may. Italian original... (Thinking...) I do not believe it. I recite the Divine Comedy in Italian original, and nobody makes fart noises. It's weird. I've never gone that far. I just seem to be an asshole. My God, I control myself! Listen to me, I am completely let go! I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. I wish someone stops me. Ted (2030): And someone did. Children, I told you that earlier this year, we met with duplicates of ourselves in the city. Robin There was a lesbian. There was the mustachioed Marshall. And, of course, Lily the stripper. That evening, another lookalike appeared... Ted Mexican wrestler. Ted wrestler: Soy el conquistador de las maquinas! Ted: I gotta run. Barney, Marshall and Lily are at the bar. Barney: Rule number 83. If something out of the baby ends up on my costume, I can touch the breasts of Lily. Marshall: Dude, what's your thing with the breasts of my woman tonight? Barney: It is not I who make the rules. Marshall: Do you really think about all this? Lily: I know. Maybe not. Marshall: For what it's worth, I think we are ready. We love, we are financially stable, and frankly, it would change that much the way we live. Ted (2030): Lily still loves to remind Marshall that said that. Lily: If being at home with a baby, tonight we have never seen a dead ringer for Ted. It would make you what, if we had missed it? Marshall: I blame the boy for the rest of his life. Lily: Right, for his daughter's life. Marshall: You're right. No need to rush. Lily: What do you say that? We agree that it makes no sense to have a child before he saw the five doubles, right? Marshall: Sure, it goes without saying. Lily: So when we finally see a dead ringer for Barney, this is the message of the universe to tell us to do. And at that time, we'll try. Deal? Marshall: Deal. Ted arrives at the bar. Barney: Look who thinks he can come here and repeat the group. Well, you can forget. Pity, remake the group! I want to lose anyone yet! We're sorry. You can recite all the poems of asshole that you want, we never say anything bad on it, I promise. Ted: Really? Because there is a poem I would recite... Friendship of Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea The world uncertain comes and goes..." Robin comes to making the fart noise. Robin: Sorry, someone had to. I pay my tour. Ted (2030): Children, let me say that over the years, none of us got a little separated at one time or another. We do not want, but it happens. But whatever had to happen, until now, and whatever happens, we will all, every year, see Robots vs. Wrestlers. Man: Good night. Thank you very much, I enjoyed myself so much. Willem Defoe...!

Plan: A: a snobby high-society party; Q: What kind of party does Ted crash? A: Barney; Q: Who's doppelgänger do Marshall and Lily want to see? A: a Robots Vs Wrestlers event; Q: What event do Marshall and Lily visit? A: a secret pact; Q: What do Marshall and Lily make? Summary: Crashing a snobby high-society party allows Ted to show off how pretentiously intellectual he can be. Barney, Marshall, and Lily visit a Robots Vs Wrestlers event. Marshall and Lily make a secret pact to start trying to have a baby if they ever finally see Barney's doppelgänger.

[TRAFFIC LIGHT. It's green, but PEYTON waits] [KAREN'S CAFÉ. LUCAS is reading PEYTON'S comic strip] [PEYTON at the light. A car drives up behind her and beeps] DRIVER: Hey, lets move it lady. Come on! [The comic strip has a stop light, and the red one says 'People always leave.' HALEY walks in but when she sees LUCAS, she starts to leave. LUCAS chases her out] LUCAS: Haley. How long are we going to do this? HALEY: Do what? LUCAS: Avoid each other. HALEY: You tell me. You're the one upset. LUCAS: And you're the one who lied to me. HALEY: I don't know what to say to you, Luke. LUCAS: Just explain to me why you were with Nathan. Huh? I mean, considering the past few weeks and what he's done... HALEY: I can't. LUCAS: You know how I feel about him, Haley. [LUCAS starts to leave] HALEY: Lucas, fine! Yes. I know how you feel about him. But there is something you don't know. [Pause] I promised him I'd tutor him if he left you alone. LUCAS: What? HALEY: I'm doing it for you, Luke. [HALEY leaves and PEYTON drives by in her car. LUCAS starts to run after her as she speeds through a red light. LUCAS watches, shocked] [THEME SONG] [NATHAN and TIM are practicing basketball in his yard] TIM: So you and Peyton are history? NATHAN: Nah. I wouldn't count on that. TIM: No? NATHAN: Yeah. This is what she does. She freaks out, we break up; a few days later, we make up. TIM: So why put up with that? [NATHAN smirks] NATHAN: Because a few days later, we make up. [DAN runs over] DAN: Hey, ball. [NATHAN throws DAN the ball and DAN shoots it in] DAN: Expect plenty more of that at the father/son game because we're going to crush you guys. NATHAN: Oh yeah? [NATHAN shoots the ball] NATHAN: You can expect more of that. DAN: Bring it on. [KAREN'S CAFÉ. HALEY'S working and LUCAS is sitting at the counter. HALEY walks over to LUCAS] LUCAS: I'm an idiot. HALEY: I know. LUCAS: I'm sorry. [Pause] I miss hanging out with you, Hales. HALEY: Yeah. I miss hanging out with you too. LUCAS: Listen. I appreciate everything you did for me. I do, Haley, but- how about you let me handle the team from now on, okay? HALEY: Okay. [HALEY starts to walk away] LUCAS: All right. So you can... stop tutoring Nathan now. [HALEY stops] HALEY: Um, no. I, I can't. LUCAS: Haley. Lucas. I can't. I promised him. If I break that promise, I'm, I'm just as bad as... you think he is. [HALEY walks away and LUCAS sighs. A MAN walks over to LUCAS] MAN: Hey, Lucas, I'm looking forward to see you play in the father/son game this year. Good article about you and your pop. [MAN sets newspaper down and LUCAS picks it up. There's an article with the headling "Great Scott: A Basketball Tradition Lives On ," with a picture of DAN and NATHAN] [DAN SCOTT'S HOME. NATHAN is reading the article aloud to DAN] NATHAN: Who would've known that Dan Scott's basketball pedigree would be inherited by his two sons, Nathan Scott and Lucas? DAN: You've got to be kidding me. [DAN takes the paper] NATHAN: That's great, Dad. We're all one big happy family now. DAN: Watch it. [Pause] I wonder what they're paying this reporter to support his crack habit? DEB: How about some breakfast? DAN: I lost my appetite. DEB: Dan, the boy exists. He's on the team. It's not exactly headline news. DAN: No, Deb, apparently it is. DEB: Well, how do you think Lucas and Karen feel about it? DAN: Gosh, I don't know. Maybe we should invite them over for breakfast and find out. NATHAN: Alright, look. If you guys are going to argue, I'm out of here. DEB: We're not arguing and your breakfast is getting cold. NATHAN: I'm just going to grab something at school with my brother. DEB: You know, there is a chance that Lucas and Nathan can get along if their father encouraged it. DAN: True. But there's also a chance that hell can freeze over. [They glare at each other] [TREE HILL HIGH. NATHAN walks over to PEYTON'S locker] NATHAN: You're not still mad at me, are you? PEYTON: I'm not mad. We're just over. [PEYTON walks away, leaving a shocked NATHAN behind. BROOKE walks by and over to LUCAS] BROOKE: Hey cutie. I saw your picture in the paper. [Pause] Personally, I didn't think it did you justice. LUCAS: No? BROOKE: No. [Grabbing the front of his shirt] Far too much clothing. [BROOKE walks away and LUCAS sees HALEY and NATHAN talking in front of the Tutoring Center, and glares at them] [GYM. The team's practicing and WHITEY walks over to LUCAS] WHITEY: Hey, Lucas. That father verses son game's coming up. Considered who you want to play with. LUCAS: I figured I'd skip it. WHITEY: Oh, come on, son. I know it's hard, but it will be worse if you don't play. [Pause] Besides, I thought you said you were through hiding from Dan. LUCAS: I am. WHITEY: Well, wouldn't it be fun to dunk on him? [WHITEY pats LUCAS on the back and they share a smile. WHITEY walks away] [GYM. The cheerleader's are practicing and BROOKE'S leading them] CHEERLEADERS: Here we go! Ravens, lets score! BROOKE: Wait! Hold on, Peyton, you've got the arms wrong. PEYTON: It's not brain surgery, Brooke. BROOKE: Okay, what's with the attitude? PEYTON: What's with your life? Seriously, aren't you embarrassed that the most important thing in your world is some stupid cheer? BROOKE: Look, I'm really sorry things didn't work out with you and Nathan, but don't go all Mariah on me, okay? PEYTON: You think this is about Nathan? [Pause] You're not even close! You're not even in the neighborhood of close! BROOKE: Okay, then, what's wrong? PEYTON: What's wrong is how... pointless all of this is. BROOKE: Stop saying that! [PEYTON'S outbursts have everyone in the gym, even WHITEY, staring at her] PEYTON: No! Because it's true. What difference does it make if you sleep with a popular guy, or you go to the right party, or you know the moves to some moronic cheer to do with some lame-@#%$ game I could care less about! [PEYTON storms away and a stunned BROOKE looks at LUCAS and NATHAN] [AUTO BODY SHOP. LUCAS walks in as KEITH works on a car] KEITH: Hey. You're not working today. LUCAS: Yeah, I have a favor to ask. Uh, there's this father/son charity basketball game. Whitey says I've got to play, so... you interested? KEITH: Yeah. LUCAS: Yeah? KEITH: Yeah, okay. Of course, I might be, you know, a little out of shape, not to mention I... wasn't worth a crap back in high school. LUCAS: Well, it's better for us, right? [Pause] Well. Why don't you start coming to the court with us? KEITH: Hang with a member of the Scott basketball dynasty? [KEITH holds up the newspaper] KEITH: So how are you doing with that? LUCAS: Well. What are you going to do? Sucks for my mom... KEITH: Yeah. What about you? LUCAS: Honestly... I can't stand being connected to Nathan or Dan. [DAN rides in on his bike] DAN: Hey, big brother! I was getting some cardio in, ran out of water. You wanna help me out? KEITH: Yeah. Sure, why not? [KEITH grabs a water bottle] DAN: So, uh, you wanna buy some charity tickets to the big father/son game? [KEITH throws the bottle to DAN] KEITH: Oh, well, I, you know, could if I wasn't playing in it. Luke invited me. DAN: Oh, great. Well, try not to soil the Scott family name while you're at it. KEITH: Yeah... that's every day advice for you, huh? [DAN ignores him, turning to LUCAS] DAN: Hey, kid. Seems as though you have an obligation to the family name too. Don't blow it. [LUCAS, who has kept quiet until now, turns angrily at DAN] LUCAS: That article's a lie. You're not my father and you never were. DAN: You're right. It is a lie. You should never have had the name in the first place. [DAN rides off] KEITH: Hey! Dan! [LUCAS punches the wall] KEITH: You okay? LUCAS: Look! I have no responsibility to him or his name. KEITH: Just... Don't let him get inside your head, okay? LUCAS: You know what. I don't plan on it. You know, as a matter of fact, I think it's about time I get out from under this guy completely. KEITH: What's that supposed to mean? LUCAS: Meaning I'm not gonna be a Scott anymore. I'm gonna change my last name. [KEITH looks upset] [TREE HILL HIGH. DAN knocks on the door of WHITEY'S office] WHITEY: You're late. I expected you this morning after that article in the paper. DAN: I understand Lucas has asked Keith to play in the basketball game. Do you think that's wise? WHITEY: Why not? DAN: Well, Keith isn't exactly a father. [WHITEY laughs] WHITEY: You're not the best father, either, Danny, and you're playing. DAN: What about Lucas? You have to know this will be embarrassing for him. WHITEY: Embarrassing for him? What about embarrassing for you? [DAN starts to leave] WHITEY: Wait a minute. This isn't about Lucas and Keith. This is all about you, Danny... and that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see the son that you...never claimed. [Pause] You were a great player. Maybe the best I ever had. But you can score a hundred points in this game, and that feeling's not going to go away. It'll be there until you acknowledge that Lucas is your son and that you made a mistake. [DAN looks at WHITEY] [THE MINI-GOLF COURSE ON THE ROOF. KAREN and LUCAS are playing] KAREN: You uncle Keith's been working hard getting ready for the game. He mentioned that you're thinking of, uh, changing your last name? LUCAS: I just don't want people to read these stupid articles and think I played ball just because Dan did. I don't want you to have to read that stuff. KAREN: Well, you're in the spotlight now. The article's come with the territory. But I don't want you to run away from that. I'd rather you face your problems head on. LUCAS: I just... figured it would make you happy if I took your name. KAREN: When I found out I was pregnant, Dan already had a basketball scholarship and nothing was going to get in the way of that. But then something strange happened. Right before classes started, Dan changed his mind. He said he'd finish the semester and... we'd get married. So when I went into labor and you appeared, the nurse asked for your name and I said it was Scott. Keith was there, and when the nurse brought you in she let him hold you. I've known Keith my whole life, and that's the only time I've seen him cry. [Pause] Your father never showed up. LUCAS: So to hell with him. I don't want his name. KAREN: Keith's a Scott too, you know. [LUCAS looks pained] KAREN: I've never been ashamed of you, Lucas, not for a second. Or your name. Then I also never had to carry that name in this town the way you have, so if you want to change it, you have my blessing. But it's just a name, Luke. What you do with it is up to you. [TREE HILL HIGH. NATHAN runs to catch up with BROOKE] NATHAN: Brooke! [BROOKE turns to him and waits for him to catch up] NATHAN: Hey. Have you heard from Peyton? BROOKE: Not since you two broke up and she went psycho on me in practice. Why? NATHAN: Because she's not in school. And she won't pick up at home or on her cell. BROOKE: Well... maybe she's out kicking the homeless. [CEMETARY. PEYTON'S sitting on a bench, lighting a cigarette. WHITEY walks over] WHITEY: A lot of smokers in this place. PEYTON: I don't really smoke. I just figured since Nathan and I broke up, I've got room for a new bad habit. [WHITEY laughs] WHITEY: Mind if I sit down? [PEYTON pats the bench] WHITEY: She was quite a gal, your mother. PEYTON: Yeah. WHITEY: She used to lead cheers for my team, too. And you've got her looks. PEYTON: I don't really remember her. WHITEY: Oh, I do. She was a wily one. Your old man didn't stand a chance. PEYTON: So what are you doing here? Making a reservation? [WHITEY laughs] WHITEY: You better watch it! [Pause] No. No. My wife, Camilla, is buried out here. Right over behind those trees. I couldn't get in a word edgewise while she was alive so I come out here and visit, tell her about things. PEYTON; You think she's listening? WHITEY: Yeah. I know she's listening. [Pause] I lost my wife just about the time your mother passed away. That always make us weak and tough one. PEYTON: They're all tough. WHITEY: Yeah. [They look off sadly] [NATHAN'S HOUSE. HALEY finishes correcting a paper of NATHAN'S] HALEY: The good news is you did better... and the bad news is better is a D. NATHAN: Yeah. I guess I didn't really give this one my best shot. HALEY: What's going on with you? NATHAN: Well. You know me and Peyton broke up. HALEY: Peyton and I. NATHAN: Oh. She broke up with you too? [Pause] Just... I didn't know she was going to take it this hard. She went off on Brooke at practice. I'm kinda worried about her. HALEY: Well, maybe you should've worried more about her when you were together. I'm sorry, but come on, it's true. NATHAN: No! You don't know the first thing about Peyton and I. HALEY: Me and Peyton. NATHAN: Whatever. [SCENE_BREAK] [PEYTON'S in her car, waiting for the light to turn red. LUCAS runs over] LUCAS: Why do you do this? [LUCAS gets in] PEYTON: If I were you, I'd get back out now. LUCAS: Not until you tell me what's going on. [The light turns red and PEYTON drives through it] LUCAS: Come on! Slow down, Peyton! Come on! Slow the car down! Peyton? Slow the car down. PEYTON: She was driving to school to pick me up. She was late, so she ran a red light. It was one light at the wrong split second and it ended for her. [PEYTON stops] PEYTON: My mom ran one red light. I run them all the time and nothing happens. It's not fair. LUCAS: No it's not. PEYTON: You can get out now. LUCAS: Or I can stay if you want. PEYTON: No. You can't. [LUCAS gets out and watches as PEYTON drives away] [THE GARAGE. KEITH'S working and DAN walks in] DAN: Hey, Keith. KEITH: Hey. Twice in a week. It's got to be some kind of record. DAN: Yeah, well, it's this father/son thing. KEITH: Yeah. How about a frostie? DAN: Nope, I'm in training. [KEITH laughs] KEITH: It's just a game, Dan. DAN: No. It's a public event. I mean, what are people gonna think? Especially after that article? KEITH: Oh yeah. About that... what in the hell is wrong with you telling Lucas he never deserved the name Scott? DAN: Well, he doesn't. KEITH: The hell he doesn't. You fathered him, Dan. DAN: That's right. Which brings me to my original point. What do you think you're doing playing in the basketball game? I mean, whatever you think you are to Karen and her son, you're not a husband. Or a father. KEITH: How much does a suit like that cost? [Pause] Because it's gonna look like hell when I lay you out all over that greasy floor. DAN: Come on, big brother. KEITH: That's right. Big brother. And no matter what you did on that basketball court a lifetime ago, and no matter what you do now, I'll always be your big brother. So guess what, Danny boy? It was my name first. It's Lucas' name now. And there's nothing you can do about it. DAN: Okay, Keith. KEITH: You know, you can be ashamed of me. And you can be ashamed of Lucas. But what makes me think we're not just as ashamed of you? Huh? [Pause] Now get out of my shop. [RAVENS' LOCKER ROOM. PEYTON walks in and all the guys are wooping and catcalling, and NATHAN looks stunned] PEYTON: [To NATHAN] Hi. [PEYTON reaches WHITEY'S OFFICE] PEYTON: Hi. [WHITEY laughs] WHITEY: Um, you never know who you're going to see in the boys' locker room these days. PEYTON: Or what you'll see. [Pause] I thought maybe we could talk. Unless... you're too busy. WHITEY: No, sure. We can talk. [NATHAN'S house. NATHAN and HALEY are talking] HALEY: Still in denial? NATHAN: About what? HALEY: Missing her. [Pause] It's okay that you do. NATHAN: What... are you my tutor or my shrink? HALEY: Whatever you need. NATHAN: I treated Peyton pretty bad. She had every right to walk away. Okay, yeah, it was my fault. I screwed up. I just wish I had another chance. HALEY: Nice work. NATHAN: That was the truth. HALEY: No. On your practice exam. 81. NATHAN: Oh. [Pause] You know, it's funny. I think we've actually talked more than Peyton and I ever did. HALEY: Peyton and I... good job. NATHAN; Yeah, you too. [Pause] Hey... are you coming to the game? HALEY: Um, well, it depends on how you do on your English exam. Anything less than an 81, I'm staying home and watching The Office. [HALEY starts to leave] NATHAN: Alright. [Pause] Haley? [HALEY turns back to look at him] HALEY: Yeah? NATHAN: I know this hasn't been easy for you. I just wanted to say thanks. HALEY: Good luck. [THE BRIDGE] WHITEY: My wife wouldn't let me smoke in the house, so, uh, I got in the habit of coming up here to this bridge. [Pause] I'd offer you one, but I know you're trying to cut down. PEYTON: How long have you been coaching? WHITEY: Too long. PEYTON: Do you ever wonder about it? WHITEY: What? PEYTON: I mean, you've spent your whole life watching boy's play a game. [WHITEY laughs] WHITEY: Well, I'd prefer to think I was teaching them to play. [Pause] Yeah, sometimes I think about the conversations when I'm finished between me and my wife. The holidays I missed because I was off coaching somewhere. That's when I come closest to thinking it was a mistake. PEYTON: Do you miss her? WHITEY: Every day. [Pause] Peyton, it's hard to lose somebody. I spent a lot of time searching for reasons or answers. But you can't find what's not there. It just happened. PEYTON: So you gonna light that thing or what? WHITEY: No. I used to love cigars but I haven't smoked one since I lost Camilla. I don't even carry matches anymore. I don't guess I've been much help to you. But I do know one thing. Your mother's proud of you. [WHITEY starts to leave] WHITEY: Take care of yourself, kiddo. [PEYTON looks away sadly] [ROOFTOP MINI-GOLF COURSE. HALEY is playing and LUCAS comes up] LUCAS: Hey. HALEY: Hey. [Pause] I really don't want to be like this, Luke. LUCAS: What is that? HALEY: This. Us skirting around each other. I mean, we're friends. You know, when you wanted to join the team, I didn't understand it and I told you that, but I supported you. LUCAS: I know. HALEY: So... support me! When I'm tutoring someone, and they get it, and that light goes on, I feel good! I feel worthy. The same way that you feel when you play basketball. Besides, having things gotten better for you? The team's left you alone, the hazing's stopped? Yeah. So, that's worth the risk for me. What's not worth the risk it us. We're friends and that is important to me. LUCAS: You're just tutoring him? HALEY: I am just tutoring him. That's it. LUCAS: Okay. [They knock fists, smiling] [PLAYGROUND COURT. LUCAS and KEITH are practicing] LUCAS: Oh, game. KEITH: I think I pulled a kidney. [They laugh] LUCAS: You alright? KEITH: Yeah. [They sit on a picnic table] KEITH: Yeah... so you, uh, decide on the name thing yet? LUCAS: Well, I downloaded the forms. But, uh... Mom's still got to sign off on them. KEITH: Mind if I tell you what I think? LUCAS: I think you just did. KEITH: Hey, I know I'm not your father, and, I'd never try to tell you what to do, but... I just... wish you'd think about it. LUCAS: I will... and you know you don't have to play if you don't want to. KEITH: Oh. Why do you say that? LUCAS: I- I know it puts you in a weird spot. And Dan and Nathan are your family too, right? KEITH: As far as I'm concerned, you and your mom are my family. As long as you'll have me. [They laugh] KEITH: You know, Dan and I, we, uh, we've never seen eye to eye. Even when we were kids. And Nathan's practically a stranger. Besides, uh, I was honored that you asked me to play. LUCAS: Good. I was hoping you'd say that. [Pause] Listen. I've got to take off. Talk to you later? KEITH: Si. [KEITH and LUKE hug] LUCAS: Take care, all right. [Pause] Hey, Keith? KEITH: Yeah. LUCAS: Thanks. KEITH: Yeah. [NATHAN'S HOUSE. DEB comes over to NATHAN outside] DEB: How's my boy? NATHAN: Why? Dad send you to spy on me? Where's my drink? [DEB hands NATHAN the drink and he sniffs it] NATHAN: You know, you'd think he organized this entire thing himself. Just so he could get back on the court. DEB: I know he's been tough on you lately, Nate. But I want you to know things are going to change around here. NATHAN: I just wish he'd lay off, you know. I wanna do good for him. He just gets so worked up about this stuff. DEB: Well, if you don't want to play, don't play. He'll get over it. NATHAN: You know that's a lie, Mom. [NATHAN hands DEB his drink and walks away. DEB looks upset] [THE BRIDGE. LUCAS walks up to PEYTON, dribbling a basketball] LUCAS: Hey. I've been thinking about you. PEYTON: Try a cold shower. [Pause] Sorry. You set yourself up for that one. LUCAS: Yeah, I guess so. How you doing? PEYTON: Lets see. Um, I broke up with my boyfriend. My mom's dead. And my dad's away on a job. LUCAS: What's your dad do? PEYTON: Captains a drudging boat. He's only here for those forked anniversaries but this year, he sent his sympathies in an email. [Pause] I read your article. I think it seemed like you guys are just one great, big, happy family. LUCAS: Yeah. It's kind of ironic, huh? You know, I would gladly erase my dad if it would bring back your mom. [Pause] I wish I could change it for you. PEYTON: Thank you. [Pause] I gotta go. LUCAS: Hey, Peyton! PEYTON: Don't ruin it, okay? [She walks off and LUCAS looks after her] [DAN'S HOUSE. He's sitting in a chair when DEB comes in] DEB: Excited about your game tomorrow? DAN: Truthfully? It's like Christmas Eve. DEB: And have you been naughty... or nice? DAN: Have I been naughty? Well, which would you prefer? [DAN pulls DEB into his lap and kisses her. She pulls back] DEB: Honey. I know this is important to you and I, I know that Nathan is talented but... I think you push him too hard sometimes. Um, I worry that he won't enjoy it anymore. DAN: Oh, he enjoys it. If he doesn't, he'll regret it when it's gone. DEB: Do you? DAN: Every day. [DEB looks upset] DAN: [Wistfully] There's nothing like it, Deb. Walking into the arena, hearing the cheers of a sellout crowd, knowing it's going to be your night. And for an hour or two, the world is yours and there's nothing they can do to stop it. I wish I would've known you then. I wish you could've been there. No decisions to make, cars to sell, bills to pay. Just the game. And I was good. [Pause] It's the best it ever was for me. DEB: Better than your life now? Better than- than knowing your son? Or me? DAN: It was different. [DEB nods sadly] [PEYTON'S ROOM. She's painting and there's a knock on the door. NATHAN'S there] NATHAN: [Looking at painting, which is all black] What do you call that? PEYTON: Love. [NATHAN looks hurt] PEYTON: What do you want, Nathan? NATHAN: It's what I don't want. [Pause] I don't want this for us. PEYTON: Maybe you should've thought of that sooner. NATHAN: Yeah, I know. And uh...I've been thinking about how we were when we started going out. Like that day at Rhysfield Beach. The nights here in your room. PEYTON: We haven't been that way in a long time. NATHAN: We could be. Come on, Peyton. I've been thinking about you. I know you've been thinking about me. PEYTON: I've actually had a lot going on lately. NATHAN: Yeah, me too. My dad's been going crazy about this father/son game and my mom... it's like ever since she came back she's been wanting to hang out. PEYTON: [Interrupting] I really can't hear this right now. NATHAN: Alright. Well, how about you come to the game? Maybe we could hang out afterwards. [PEYTON turns back to her canvas] NATHAN: I miss you, Peyton. [Pause] I'll see you there. [NATHAN leaves and PEYTON continues painting] [OUTSIDE WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE. NATHAN'S walking with a friend, but he sees HALEY] NATHAN: Catch up to you later man. [To HALEY] Got a sec? HALEY: Hey, yeah, what's up? NATHAN: Check that out. [NATHAN holds up a test] HALEY: An 84! That's so great. [NATHAN holds out his arms for a hug] HALEY: Yeah, hey, congratulations! [She hugs him, and LUCAS looks on. NATHAN meets LUCAS' gaze, almost defiantly. NATHAN and HALEY pull away] [LOCKER ROOM. The fathers are getting ready] MAN: Hey! Dan the man, are you going to carry us tonight or what? DAN: You know it, Bruce. I'll carry the team and Keith can carry my jock. [The men laugh and BRUCE shakes KEITH'S hand] BRUCE: Keith, it's good to see you man. KEITH: You too, Bruce. BRUCE: I didn't know you had a son that played ball too. [DAN looks up] KEITH: Well, actually I'm just a stand-in. One of the boys doesn't have a father. [KEITH and DAN share a look] [ON THE COURT. They're practicing, and LUCAS is ignoring HALEY, who's screaming to him from the bleachers] HALEY: Luke! Lucas! Hey, Scott! [Both LUCAS and NATHAN look at her. HALEY gestures like, "what's wrong with you?" A whistle blows and they run to the side] ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the Tree Hill Ravens' father and son charity basketball game. Tonight the fathers battle the sons and the winner gets bragging rights. Coming soon tonight, Ravens son league MVP Nathan Scott. And for the father's, the all-time even scorer in the history of Tree Hill, and state championship runnerup, put your hands together for Dan Scott! DAN: Sounds like the old man got a louder applause than you did. NATHAN: Are you sure your hearing aid's not turned up too loud? [They laugh and the game starts, DAN not taking any mercy on NATHAN] [PEYTON'S driving again. She blows through a red light] [THE GAME] ANNOUNCER: Under a minute remaining now and the Ravens' sons are putting on a show. They've made a mockery out of this one. 28 point lead and they're running it in on the fathers... Lucas Scott spins the ball on his finger... over to Hamilton... Hamilton disgraces his father. DAN: [To NATHAN] Don't try that crap with me, Nate. ANNOUNCER: Nathan Scott tries... scores and is left with an even 30 points at halftime. [FATHER'S LOCKER ROOM] DAN: You guys suck out there. It's embarrassing. KEITH: For you, maybe. DAN: Come on... you play house with a girl I get pregnant in high school and I'm supposed to be embarrassed? KEITH: It's embarrassing because we're old men, Dan, playing horribly and that's the way it's supposed to be. DAN: Not for me. [DAN walks into the adjoining RAVENS' locker room] TIM: Enemy approaching. DAN: That's right, enemy approaching. Are you going to bring your best game or what? NATHAN: You're down by thirty, Dad. DAN: No, I'm talking to you. You bring your best game, I'll bring mine, and then we'll see. NATHAN: We'll see what? DAN: We'll see who's the best. Or maybe you'd rather not know. [KEITH walks in] KEITH: Hey. Come on, relax, little brother. DAN: This isn't your place, Keith. KEITH: Well, it's not your place either, Dan. It's their game now. We should be proud they're so good. DAN: Like you had anything to do with it. KEITH: You walk away, Danny. DAN: [To NATHAN] Lets see what you got. [DAN walks away] KEITH: [To TEAM] Any of you give me your best game and, uh, I'm gonna hurt you. [To NATHAN] Hey, you're doing fine. [PEYTON'S stopped at a green light. It turns red and she blows through, almost getting hit. She starts to cry in the middle of the intersection. Everyone's beeping and yelling at her] [THE GAME. Everyone runs out and HALEY chases LUCAS] HALEY: Luke. Are you mad at me? What's going on? LUCAS: I don't want to talk about it right now. HALEY: Okay, can you just tell me what I did, please? LUCAS: I saw you with him. HALEY: Who Nathan? God, he got a good grade on that math quiz. It was nothing. LUCAS: I want to believe you, Haley. I do. But I don't think you're telling the truth. HALEY: I'm am telling the truth Lucas. There's nothing going on. [LUCAS notices her bracelet] LUCAS: Nice bracelet. [LUCAS runs off and HALEY looks upset] ANNOUNCER: Well folks, an impressive showing for Dan Scott. The kids are just too much. What do you say we make this interesting? Lets make the score 0-0, and the next basket wins. [RAVENS' sons huddle] NATHAN: Alright. Give me the ball. TIM: Alright. Lets go, fellas. Ravens on three. One, two, three! TEAM: Ravens. [They take the court] ANNOUNCER: The Ravens' sons have the ball, and the next basket wins. NATHAN: Game over, Dad. ANNOUNCER: Nathan Scott to the tape. He catches the ball in the wing. He rides to the- holy crap! [DAN pushes NATHAN to the ground. DEB jumps up, concerned] ANNOUNCER: Lets hope the young man's okay. [LUCAS and WHITEY look on in shock. NATHAN'S still on the ground, and DAN looks down at him] DAN: You okay? [Pause] I couldn't give you the winning bucket, Nathan. [The shot changes and a hand reaches down to help NATHAN up. It's assumed to be DAN'S, but as NATHAN grabs on and gets up, the camera pans and we see LUCAS] LUCAS: Beat them? NATHAN: Yeah. But I want to do it myself? ANNOUNCER: Well, good news, folks. Nathan seems to be okay. And the Ravens sons still have a crack at it... Lucas Scott hands the ball to Nathan. He drives- ooh! He drops the ball. It's moving. That will create a turnover. The fathers have a crack at it. Looks like its payback time. DAN: That was a sloppy turnover, Nathan. That's not like you. NATHAN: That's because it was on purpose. DAN: On purpose? Why? NATHAN: Because you don't deserve my best game, Dad. Look. I could've beat you. You know it and I know it. You know, if you want to mess with that, go ahead. I'll give it to you. [NATHAN steps back and DAN shoots. Everyone's stunned] NATHAN: You didn't beat me, Dad. You never will. [NATHAN storms off; everyone's shocked] [LOCKER ROOM] LUCAS: Good game. KEITH: What? Are you kidding me? I was by far the worst one out there. And that includes old Mr. Budieres and his wooden leg. LUCAS: Oh, Keith, you know it's never about basketball. And just so you know... what you did for Nathan, what you've done for me... well, lets just say I was proud to have you as my dad for the night. [Pause] You know, I've been thinking about what you said about the Scott name, and, and I think I'll keep it. I just hope I can wear it as well as you. KEITH: Thanks. [They hug] [OUTSIDE THE FIELD HOUSE. PEYTON'S there] NATHAN: Hey. I'm glad you came. I knew you would. I want you to know thing's are going to be different for us. PEYTON: Did you know that my mom died tonight? Seven years ago? [NATHAN clearly didn't know] PEYTON: You didn't know because you never asked. I didn't come here for you tonight. NATHAN: Why'd you come? [LUCAS walks out the door and PEYTON turns and looks at him. LUCAS looks at her. NATHAN looks shocked. He gets it] [DAN in the locker room, upset] [PEYTON walking away from both boys. They watch her] [KEITH gets up and leaves the locker room, looking at DAN] LUCAS: [V.O.] John Steinbeck once wrote "It seems to me [PEYTON sits in her car. She waits for the green light and goes. Symbolically, as she drives, all the lights are green] LUCAS: [V.O.] that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world."

Plan: A: the annual "Father and Son" basketball game; Q: What is the annual event that Lucas asks Keith to play in? A: Dan; Q: Who publicly humiliates Nathan? A: a comforting ally; Q: What does Peyton find in Whitey? A: Haley; Q: Who is tutoring Nathan? A: their developing friendship; Q: What bothers Lucas? A: bothers; Q: What does Haley and Nathan's friendship do to Lucas? A: U2; Q: What band is the original title of this episode named after? A: Radiohead; Q: What band is the alternative title of this episode named after? Summary: Lucas asks Keith to play with him in the annual "Father and Son" basketball game, and realizes he got the better father figure after Dan publicly humiliates Nathan on the court. Meanwhile, Peyton turns down Nathan's attempts to make up; she is having a hard time dealing with the anniversary of her mother's death and finds a comforting ally in Whitey. Haley continues tutoring Nathan and their developing friendship bothers Lucas. The original title of this episode comes from an album by U2 . The alternative title comes from a song by Radiohead .

Johnny: Hey, Moira, could you turn that down please? Important call coming through. Stevie says it's the guy from the winery. Hmm. (Sighs) (Phone rings) Hello, Johnny Rose. (Phone continues ringing) Hello? Hello? Ah. (Door opens) Stevie? Stevie: I put it through! Johnny: Okay. Moira: Who is it? Johnny: Herb Ertlinger. Excuse me? Herb Ertlinger from the winery. He's the only guy that's gotten back to me on my proposal (phone starts ringing) And-and now the ph- (picks up) Hi! Hello! (Phone continues ringing) (Yelling) There's something wrong with the phones! Moira: John, have her patch it through to the kids' room. (Yelling) Yeah, patch it through to the kids' room! Stevie: Okay! Very good suggestion! (Knocks on door) Kids! (Phone rings in kids' room) David, answer the phone! He has his headphones in; He can't hear it. Then you answer it! Alexis: Okay! (Phone continues ringing) Hello? Alexis, could you open the door, please? (Rattling door handle) I'll take it. Alexis: No, sorry, you have the wrong room. He's actually in room 6. Johnny: Alexis, unlock the door please! Okay! No problem. Bye. He's gonna call you back in your room! No! (Phone starts ringing) Hello? (Phone keeps ringing) (Birds chirp) David: Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep? Because I have not slept since we've got here and I think my body is shutting down. Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs. Well, I have one. Uh, the pulse is very irregular. Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it. David: No, this is very serious! My heart has not rested in a long time, my immune system is very low, I have not been able to find kale anywhere here- how long are we going to be talking about you for? I think I'm having a heart attack, is what's happening! David, you are like 34. I'm basically 29. Oh my God, you are overreacting. I think you're gonna feel very guilty when I slip into a coma and you have to come visit me in the hospital at hospice. Well, I'm gonna go for a jog, so don't die until I get back. Well, how long are you going for? Um, I don't really know. How long are you gonna be like this for? Don't be a little b... Bye! When I'm this state! (Door bangs shut) (Birds chirp) Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself. But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free. Johnny: Ah! Moira: Mm! Mm! Mm. (Spitting something back) There's something in mine. Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones. (Phone rings) Excuse me. Herb Ertlinger... No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth. It's fruit wine. Whoever heard of fruit wine? Doesn't matter, it's a business. I'll make it work. It's next to a landfill, John. He said former landfill. Herb Ertlinger: Sorry. I was looking into a new sprayer. And I brought you this... It's our Cabernet Merlot petit grenache. Moira and Johnny: Oh! Sounds delightfully busy. You know, uh, Herb, if you need any help with distribution, I have extensive contacts in that area, or if it's operations management... Johnny, while I appreciate that offer, it's actually not your help I'm looking for. Oh. No. It's you, Moira. We were hoping that you will be the spokesperson for Herb Ertlinger fruit wines. I-I don't understand. My wife and I were such big fans of "Sunrise Bay." And we would be an honoured to have you do just a few commercials to promote our wine. That is, of course, if you like it. Like it? It's fruit wine. What's not to like? (Door opens forcefully) So, an hour ago, I thought I was having a heart attack. Stevie: Oh no! David: Yup, yup. Yup. Um, but I'm not. Oh, phew! According to Web MD, I'm having a pulmonary embolism, which is much, much worse. Well, you look good. That's... just the way I look. I need you to take me to a hospital right now. Yeah, the only hospital's in Elmdale. You're telling me there's no doctor around here? People just drop dead in the streets out of sheer neglect? Well, there is, technically, a doctor. Then, please take me to that doctor right now. (Car rumbles by) David: I'm just not sleeping. I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated. Vet: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night. What? Kidding. Take a deep breath for me. (Inhales deeply) Good. Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days? (Snorts) I don't n... Vet: So, no. No. Okay. Well, the good thing is, I don't think that you need an ambulance, David, because what I think is happening here is you're having a panic attack. Oh no, those... Those aren't real. Those are a PR spin for celebrity publicists. Trust me, I've known enough celebrities. No, it's absolutely a... A real thing. Uh, tell me, have you had any experiences lately that have caused you... Stress or anxiety? David: Uh, well, I went from living in a 25 hundred square foot Soho live/workspace to a motel room with my sister. Wow. Eek. That'll do it. (Chuckles) "Hello, I'm Moira Rose for Herb-" "Oh, hi! I'm Moira Rose for Herb Ertlinger wines inviting you to try our latest offering, a fruity cab franc we call... We call Herb Ertlinger's fruity cab-" Oh, no. No, no, no. No good. Uh... "Smokey tannins infuse this rich blend with a plummy bouquet." "Plummy bouquet"? Is this guy for real? His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable. You called it liquid stink this morning. The whites seem less stinky. How about this tote bag? Two-ply toilet paper has more heft. I'm sensing negativity, John. Is this because he did not take you up on your offer? Are you kidding me? Come on! Hey, I haven't even given that guy a second's thought since I got home. I was doing him a favour, that's all. I don't want him tarnishing your reputation. I mean, have you read the literature? Look at this. "The maximum benefit of the peachafication process." "Peachafication!" Who uses a word like "peachafication"? A moron... would use that. That moron is the first moron to offer me an acting role in a very long time. Well, he's lucky to have you. John, this commercial, in the right hands, could be... I don't want to use the word "comeback," that's... I don't wanna jinx it, but... John, no one knows the business better than you do. Oh, honey, I'm just the money behind the scenes. Not that I don't have a few company commercials under my belt, but... If you want me in your corner, I'm there. Oh, John. (Kiss) Thank you. I'll do what I can. Thank you. But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag? Alexis: (Eyes shut) Ew, ew-ew, ew, ew! Mutt: You have to open your eyes to get it in the bag! Alexis: Ugh! Good. Ugh! So can I ask you a question? (Thunder rumbles) Why do you always get dressed up to do this? I mean, it doesn't seem very practical. Alexis: Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana couture to her community service. And just because she was picking up roadkill did not mean that she needed to look like it. And I just always really admired her courage. (Garbage bag rustles) Um... I didn't understand a word you just said. Besides, it's nice to uh... Change clothes every once in a while. Something you might wanna consider doing at some point. I change my clothes. They're just all the same. Uh-huh. Yeah. (Loud clap of thunder) Oh! Well, at least now they'll get washed. (Rain pours) Alexis: Agghhhh! Mutt: Come on! Run! Alexis: (Laughing) (Surprised) What? It's actually nice in here. Well, I'm not Valentino, but you know. Okay, well, don't try and be funny about it. It just happens naturally. It's that um... When a guy can pack his whole wardrobe into an overnight bag, you just don't really think that he'd be much of an interior designer. Don't worry, they're fresh. They're clean. Hmm. Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten freshness. What? It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks. You're a freak. (Blows out his breath) (Towels rustle) (Inhales sharply) Johnny: What uh... what kind of lens are we using here? Director: It's uh... (Clears throat) It's a zoom lens. Oh, zoom! Good, good, good. Yup, yeah. Any primes? Any primes? Using any primes? Nah. Those are usually for feature films. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's just I... What's the, uh, ring light situation? Do you think we need an inkey? Uh... I don't know, I don't know... I... are we booming this... Today? (Door opens) Alexis: Ew! (Slams door) David: Shhh! Alexis: Why is it dark? (Blinds scrape open) It's like a witch's house in here, David. Shush! What's going on? I am on day two of a panic attack and I have not slept at all. Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to... No, I know. I thought so too, but they are real and I'm having one apparently. Okay. Okay. Well, while you were having your panic attack, I somehow agreed to attend a yoga class. That might be a good thing for me. Okay, well, I'm not gonna go though. That might help me relax, might help me calm down. David, I just said I'm not gonna go. I don't wanna have to bring this up... But it's my turn to take a selfish. No, David, Yes, it is. You selfished last time. No. Dubai, 2010, I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong. It was a total disaster. It's my turn, and I wanna go to a yoga class. Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all. Okay. Get off my bed. Ouch, David. Ouch, David! Alexis: Ugh! David: Shut the curtains! [SCENE_BREAK] Moira: Oh, some people like to exaggerate, especially in our business. Make-up artist: I dunno. A lot of people on set were saying it. He's making people nervous. I don't care what other's say. That's today's mantra. Both: (Laugh) You look awesome! Oh... (Giggles) Johnny: Hey! There she is! Moira: Hi! There's my TV star. Hi, sweetheart. Hi! Nervous? No, I'm good. Good! Don't want you nervous! No. Is that the outfit you're wearing? Yes. That's the one you and I chose together. Oh. It looks a little less flattering in the daylight. Johnny! No. I'm just saying, if there's another outfit- No! There's no second choice. Really? No. Oh, I don't know. Young pa: Cheese tray. Johnny: Whoa, whoa, cubby, what's this? Who ordered cheese? Moira: I... I asked for cheese. Johnny: Oh no, no. No cheese. I don't think that's a good idea. What about the melon? You ordered melon? No, I didn't. No, well, let's see... You know what? Looks a little soft. Why don't we eighty-six that plate. Johnny? Johnny? Yeah? Crystal, do you mind? Yeah. Hey, crystal. Moira: Speak to my husband. Crystal: Hey. Yeah... listen. The script, I wanna make a few line- No! John, no more changes. I was wondering if it might be better if you- Just directed. Just directed? Believe me, I tried. That didn't fly. No. Went home. Johnny: Went home? Moira: Mm-hmm. Why? Because you're making me nervous. And apparently you're making everyone nervous. No, no, no. Honey, I'm just trying to help. I'm just trying to be... You know, watching your back. I know, John. You're so good at trying. Now, I'm gonna call you as soon as I'm done. Moira: Crystal? Crystal: Yeah? (Clears throat) Yeah, sure. Well, I can just uh... Yeah, I'll just uh... go home. Crystal: Bye. Johnny: All right. Moira: Bye. Johnny: All right. Have a good shoot! (Birds chirp outside, door closes) Crystal: You look good. Moira: No, keep working please. (Birds chirp, gentle, calming music plays) Oh! Okay, I don't think I can do this. There's a lot of people here. Twyla: Hey! You guys made it! Amazing! It's a pairs class, so partner up. Okay, well, I'm not touching you. Well, I'm not touching you. Jocelyn: David, Hun. David: Oh! Jocelyn: Come join me. David: Oh... Jocelyn. Normally I do this with Roland, but he had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A. Oh... Trust me, that's good news for everybody. David: I'm sure it is. Twyla: And Alexis, you can join Mutt. Twyla: Okay. This is gonna be good for you. Just relax. David: Oh, okay. All right. Jocelyn: Okay. Mutt: Hi. Alexis: Hey. Jocelyn: Ted told me all about your... Nervous breakdown. My... my what? I was at the cafe. He didn't mention any names, but when he said it was someone "precious," I knew. Clapper-loader: Slating! Moira: ...Somehow. (Clapperboard claps) Moira: (Clears throat) Crystal: Remember to smile. All right, get out of there, ladies! Thank you. Director: And action! Hello, I'm Moira Rose. And if you like fruit wine as much as I do, discover a winery that pours care and craftsmanship into every glace. (Gasps) Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to say glass, but I... was thinking case. Director: That was great. Loved it. Uh, same energy. Back to one. Still rolling. Crystal: Check your teeth. Yeah. Director: Outta there, ladies. Still rolling... And when you're ready- Moira: Hold on, hold on, hold on! (Clears throat) Action. Hello, I'm Moira Rose, and if you enjoy flute line as much as- Director and crew: (Laughing) Moira: What? Director: Uh... you said "flute line." Oh. Oh, that is funny. Director: No problem. Uh... back to ones. And when you're ready... Action! Hello, I'm moina rose, and if you Li- Okay, back to ones. Still rolling. Moira: Why? Why? Director: You said "moina." Make-up artist: You sure did. Moira: Are you sure? Director: Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. Moira: I'm good. Director: That's great. All right. Moira: Please, I'm good. Director: Get outta there, ladies. Moira: Please, yes. Director: And... when you're ready, action! (Silence, grass crunches underfoot) Action. (Birds chirp) Action? (Van rumbles to a stop) Johnny: Well, thanks for the lift, Thomas. You got it, Mr. Rose. Voice 1: (Conversation over PA's walkie) Yeah, we're talking to her now. Voice 2: Where'd she go? Voice 1: Apparently she just locked herself in the bathroom. He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing unless, and I quote, "that (Bleep) Bitch gets her (Bleep) Ass out of the trailer." Maybe I should get back in the car? I'm guessing, yes. (Car door bangs shut, van rumbles away) Twyla: Rolling the shoulders back and down, lengthen... David: It's just all these feelings of displacement, you know? Like I've... Jocelyn: Yeah... I think I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the overall aesthetic of the town. Jocelyn: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. David: Um... And it's just running through my head and I've been... Jocelyn: Yeah, lots of talking. Lots of emoting. That's good, David. Yeah. Um, have you tried s*x? David: Excuse me? Jocelyn: s*x puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of s*x. David: Ugh... Twyla: Now, with your partner's help, send your hips to the back of the barn and partners roll your biceps out and up, guiding the hips wide and back. David: Is everyone doing this? Jocelyn: Mm-hmm. Alexis: Um, how's your back? Mutt: It's good. I mean, normally, it's a little tight, but... Alexis: Yeah, it is. I mean I-I haven't noticed. I have noticed, I haven't- I haven't "noticed" noticed, so... (Laughs awkwardly) Twyla: How're we doing here? Alexis: Good. Super good. Um... this is a very challenging... Yoga class, Twyla. Thank you. Twyla: Thanks! Yeah, so just hold Mutt's lower back here just to support him. Alexis: Okay. Twyla: Good. Now feel the inner edge of the thigh... Mm-hmm. Let's bring it down... Oh, no! Mutt: Oh! Twyla: Mutt should support his own thigh. Omigod! Omigod! I'm so sorry. I'm sssso sorry. It's okay. Yeah. Wow, I'm so sorry. (Birds chirp) (Rattles door handle, knocks on door) Moira? It's me. Moira: (Drunkenly) Hi! Johnny: You okay? Moira: Yeah... I blew it, Johnny. I blew it big time. Let me in, sweetheart. Moira: Oh, I don't know how. There's a knob on the door. Moira: No, I mean I don't know how to do this anymore! I'm no good! (Loud thunk, door pops open) How did you open the door? I threw a shoe. (Sips wine, door bangs closed) This wine is aw-ful! Give me another glass. Well, I think maybe we've had... Enough wine, sweetheart. I, I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there because I'm talking. Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there. You are doing great. No. No, John. No. No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything. No, no, you didn't. I did! No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it. You did. Why... Why did you ruin everything? Okay, well, let-let's not focus on me right now. The important thing is, you've gotta get back up and you've gotta get out there. (Whispers) I can't. Can't. You can! Moira, remember "Sunrise Bay?" You were drunk most of season three... And half of season four. End of season five. I'll have to take your word for it. Did I used to have a drinking problem? The point is, you can do this, Moira. You're radiant. You're beguiling. You're daytime television's brightest star! (Makes slapping noises) All you have to do is go out there and shine. I'm gonna. I'm gonna (Bleep) Nail it. Okay. Twyla: And on a big inhale... Identify any tension you may be holding. And on a big exhale, breathe it out. (Breathes out) I burnt my sausage casserole. I'm pretty sure I'm really lonely here. Twyla: Now, with one partner on the ground, the other comes into a downward dog with hands on your partner's ankles. (Partners shift) David: (Snored inhale) (Relaxed exhale) In the... of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. (Overly bright) Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak chardonnay, and the dazzling peach cral-bapple to his Riesling rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience and you'll remember the name. Herb erfling... Ger. Burt herngeif. Irv herb-blinger. Bing livehaanger. Liveling. Burt herkurn. Ban-(Annoyed sigh) Bingo ling-(Bleep)!

Plan: A: A winery; Q: What type of business hires Moira as its commercial spokesperson? A: David; Q: Who suffers a panic attack? A: a partner yoga class; Q: What kind of class do David and Alexis attend? A: Jocelyn; Q: Who is the yoga instructor? Summary: A winery hires Moira as its commercial spokesperson; David suffers a panic attack ; David and Alexis attend a partner yoga class with Jocelyn, Mutt, and Twyla.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.] Monica: You look cute in bubbles. Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up. (They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.) Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! (Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.) Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey: Okay. (Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.) Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans? Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey! Joey: All right! (Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.) Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler: Hey Joe! (Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.) Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke. (Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Joey: Mornin' Pheebs! Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver... Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.) Phoebe: What? Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London. Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway... Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too? Chandler: Uh, The Wheat Chief. Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh... Monica: Bodington's! All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-five each other.) Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story. Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat--I don't want to talk about it. Ross: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's! Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.) Joey: That was good beer. Ross: Ohh... Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys. Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center. Joey: Later! (Exits.) Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now? Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should be here by now. Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad? Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know--Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that? Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily? Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport. Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man! Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!! Rachel: (entering) Hi! All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.) Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry. Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do. Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible. Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her luggage away.) Ross: So, what? That's it? Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool. Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.) Rachel: Oh no, you're the best. Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again. Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY. (Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off, like what was learned last season. Read about it here.) Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece! Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions. Chandler: Oh that's not true. Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London. Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid! Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me. Phoebe: Oh... No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. Monica: I'll do it! Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life. Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work. (He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement. After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes what he just did, so he decides to do something rather rash.) Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back. (He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.) Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.] Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception. Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't--I still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica) Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges. Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)... Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in horror.) Rachel: ...I mean it's my fault. Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures! Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture and hands them back.) Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me. Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little. Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! (Gunther turns to listen in.) I mean, he's nice, he's cute. Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda... Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time. Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him. Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me. Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London. Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.) Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we? Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out. All: Sorry. (Rachel returns.) Monica: What happened? Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night. Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already! Rachel: Well... (Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.") Gunther: (To the guy) Get out! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.] Monica: What took you so long? Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow. Monica: Oh, good. (They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.) Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.) Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?! Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London. Rachel: That's not European! Phoebe: Well, it felt French. (Joey is intrigued.) [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.] Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time! Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside? Dave: Yeah! Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second. Dave: Okay, yeah! (She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.) Rachel: Umm, hi! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something. Ross: She's doing her laundry. Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.) Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch! Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful. Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while. Rachel: But, it's not raining. Ross: I can't catch a break! Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave! Dave: Yeah? Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now. Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks. Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.) Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?! Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks! Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do? Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted...tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him. Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!! Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that! Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no. Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired. Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha! Rachel: Well... (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.) Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in! Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble? Monica: Rachel locked the door. Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.] Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel! [Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.] Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec? Rachel: No. Monica: I really need to talk to you. Rachel: Well, then talk! Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do? Rachel: Yes! Ross: What thing? Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting. Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre. Rachel: I'm gonna do it. Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't. Rachel: But I... Monica: Please! Rachel: All right, fine. (There's a loud bang on the door.) Monica: Joey, I'm in! Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.] All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs! Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together! Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?! Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park! Phoebe: (excited) Central...(not so excited) Park! Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day! Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!" Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.) Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just--y'know--stop it! Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group. Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth. Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.] Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here! Joey: Phoebe! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel: Phoebe, woo! Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi. Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little... Y'know, it didn't have any... It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City! Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that? Joey: Mine! Ross: Wait! It was my plan. Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan. Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City. Joey: Which, is the new plan! Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour? Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off! (They all go pack except for Ross.) Monica: Come on Rach, let's go. Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute. Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him. Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter. Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back? Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care. Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.) Rachel: What 'cha readin'? Ross: The paper. Rachel: Yeah, what's it about? Ross: Events from around the globe. Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong. Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized... Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Go ahead. Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross. (Ross is stunned.) Ross: Wow. Umm... Huh... I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now. (Rachel starts laughing hysterically.) Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean. Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious. Ross: Why are you laughing? Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!" Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding. Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny. Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know! Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this? Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is... Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily. Ross: That is what the thing is. Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that? Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you. Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.) Ross: No thank you for... Thank you. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.] Ross: Okay, let's go! Chandler: Atlantic City! Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones! (They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.) Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking? Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke! The Guys: Ohh! Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! (She starts out the door.) All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait! Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now! Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now. Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.) Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.) Ending Credits [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.] Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies! Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing. (They both kiss.) Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having s*x. Monica: Do you know anything about women? Chandler: No. Monica: That's all right. Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)

Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who feels left out when the other friends talk non-stop about their London trip? A: Rachel; Q: Who returns from Greece? A: Ross; Q: Who does Rachel tell she had a great time in Greece? A: the plane; Q: What did Rachel get mad at Ross for abandoning her on? A: Emily; Q: Who refuses to speak to Ross? A: all her romance decisions; Q: Rachel wants Monica to make what decisions? A: Chandler; Q: Who kisses all the girls to cover up his relationship with Monica? A: their budding relationship; Q: What does Chandler kiss all the girls to cover up? Summary: Phoebe feels left out when the other friends talk non-stop about their London trip. Rachel returns from Greece, telling Ross she had a great time but is actually livid that he abandoned her on the plane. Ross attempts to reconcile with Emily who refuses to speak to him. Rachel wants Monica to make all her romance decisions, but ultimately ignores her. Once back home, Monica and Chandler are caught kissing, so Chandler kisses all the girls to cover up their budding relationship.

Broadcast 30 November 1963 Duration: 24 minutes 35 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. DESERT (Outside, a new element has entered the rocky wastes - the odd image of the police box, it's lantern still flashing, standing ungainly on the uneven ground. Part of the wasteland is suddenly obscured by a shadow - what looks like the shadow of a humanoid. It is in fact the shadow of a bearded caveman dressed in the furs. He stares at the TARDIS uncomprehendingly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CAVE (The interior of a large cavern, A whole group of cavemen and women are gathered around what looks like an unlit campfire. A caveman, ZA, is hunched over the wooden pile is flinging some dust on the sticks, and waving a bone over them. He rubs the bone between his hands furiously. A young caveboy walks out of the cavern; an old woman sat some distance away regards them all coldly.) OLD MOTHER: Where is the fire Za makes? HUR: (By Za.) In his hands! (To Za quietly.) It will not go into the wood. ZA: (Determined.) My father made fire... OLD MOTHER: They killed him for it. It is better that we live as we have always done. ZA: (Still rubbing) He showed me how to sharpen the stones...and trap the bear and the tiger. He should have shown me this too! OLD MOTHER: So that everyone would bow to you, as they did to him? (Infuriated, ZA picks up the pace of bone rubbing, snarling with growing frustration. Finally, he gives up and leaps to his feet, shouting into the OLD MOTHERS face.) ZA: Tell me what my father did to make fire! OLD MOTHER: I never saw him make it. That is all I know. (ZA brings his arm back to strike her - and stops with a growl.) ZA: Out of my sight, old woman! You should have died with him! (ZA walks back to the wood pile. The OLD MOTHER shakes her head ruefully.) OLD MOTHER: Za will never make fire. (ZA seizes the sticks in his hands, raises them up, screaming in rage. He flings them back down.) ZA: (To HUR.) Put on more of the dead fire. (HUR flings more ash onto the pile. He starts rubbing the bone again.) HUR: (Quietly to ZA as he rubs the bone.) The old men are talking against you, Za. They say it would be better for the stranger, Kal, to lead us. ZA: Kal? HUR: They say you sit all day rubbing your hands together while he brings us meat. ZA: Without meat, we go hungry. Without fire...we die. HUR: Old men see no further than tomorrow's meat. They will make Kal the leader. My father will give me to him... ZA: (Angrily.) Kal is no leader... HUR: The leader is the one who makes fire! (ZA almost burns his hands, trying to draw sparks from the bone. He screams a yell of frustration into the sky. He drops the bone, flings the sticks away, and lays his head on the would-be fire, at the point of weeping. He picks a stick up, snapping it in two.) ZA: Where has the fire gone...? Where? Where? [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. DESERT (The lone caveman - KAL - continues to stare at the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (BARBARA, still on the chair is finally coming to. She kneels down to rouse IAN, who also still lays on the floor.) BARBARA: (Shaking him gently.) Ian? Ian? IAN: (He rises to a sitting position, holding his head.) I'm alright. Oh...I must have hit my head. (He looks around.) The movement's stopped. (Before them, the DOCTOR and SUSAN stare at the monitor from the control console. The cylindrical column has stopped moving. They check the console's controls.) SUSAN: The base is steady. DOCTOR: Well, sand, rock formation...mm, good. SUSAN: We've left 1963. DOCTOR: Oh yes, undoubtedly. I'll be able to tell you where presently. (he blinks at a console readout) Zero? That's not right. I'm afraid this yearometer is not calculating properly...hmm. Well, anyway, the journey's finished. (He looks down at IAN, still sitting on the floor.) What are you doing down there? BARBARA: What have you done? IAN: Barbara, you don't believe all this nonsense? SUSAN: Well, look at the scanner screen. DOCTOR: (Points at the screen.) Yes, look up there. (IAN and BARBARA get to their feet.) They don't understand, and I suspect they don't want to. (He waves at the screen.) Well, there you are. A new world for you. (The scanner shows the desert outside. An icy mountain range is visible in the distance.) IAN: (Contemptuously.) Sand and rock? DOCTOR: Yes, that's the immediate view outside the ship. BARBARA: But where are we? IAN: You mean that's what we'll see when we go outside? SUSAN: Yes! You'll see it for yourself. IAN: I don't believe it! DOCTOR: You really are a stubborn young man, aren't you? IAN: All right, show me some proof! Give me some concrete evidence! (To SUSAN.) I'm sorry Susan, I don't want to hurt you, but...it's time you were brought back to reality. SUSAN: But you're wrong, Mr. Chesterton... DOCTOR: (Walking past SUSAN.) They're saying I'm a charlatan. (To IAN.) What 'concrete evidence' would satisfy you, hmm? IAN: Just open the doors, Doctor Foreman. DOCTOR: (To himself.) Eh? Doctor who? What's he talking about...? BARBARA: They're so sure, Ian... IAN: Yes, I know... BARBARA: And remember the difference between the outside of the police box and the inside... IAN: Yes, I know, but... (To the Doctor.) Are you going to open the doors or aren't you? DOCTOR: No. IAN: You see? DOCTOR: Not until I'm quite sure it's safe to do so. (He consults the console.) Well, the air's good, yes it is, it's good, excellent, excellent... (To SUSAN.) You've got the radiation counter over there. What's it read? SUSAN: (Checks the counter on the console.) It's reading normal, Grandfather. DOCTOR: Splendid, splendid. Well, I think I'll take my Geiger counter with me in any case. (He smugly clutches his Edwardian lapels and turns to IAN.) So you, er, still challenge me, young man? IAN: Well, just open the doors and prove your point. DOCTOR: You're so narrow-minded, aren't you? Don't be so insular. SUSAN: Grandfather, do you know where we are? DOCTOR: Yes. We've gone back in time, all right. One or two samples and I shall be able to make an estimate. Rock pieces and a few plants... (He regards the console.) But I do wish this wouldn't keep letting me down. However, we can go out now. IAN: Just a minute. You say we've gone back in time... DOCTOR: Yes, quite so. IAN: So that when we go out of that door, we won't be in a junkyard, in London, in England, in the year 1963... DOCTOR: That is quite correct. But your tone suggests ridicule. IAN: But it is ridiculous! Time doesn't go 'round and 'round in circles! You can't get on and off whenever you like in the past or the future! DOCTOR: Really? Where does time go, then? IAN: It doesn't go anywhere. It just happens, and then it's finished. DOCTOR: (With an amused smile.) Oh... (He laughs and looks at BARBARA.) You're not as doubtful as your friend, I hope. BARBARA: No. IAN: Barbara, you can't... BARBARA: I can't help it! I just believe them, that's all! DOCTOR: If you could touch the alien sand and hear the cries of strange birds -- and watch them wheel in another sky...would that satisfy you? IAN: Yes (The DOCTOR twists the controls and the doors open with a hum. Outside is the desert.) DOCTOR: Now, see for yourself. IAN: (Shocked whisper.) It's not true! It can't be... SUSAN: (In triumph.) That's not on the screen! DOCTOR: Well, I've no more time to argue with you. I must get some samples, Susan. (He moves to a small table near the doors, gathering up a small electronic instrument and shoulder bag.) SUSAN: Be careful, Grandfather. (The DOCTOR confidently strides out the door, muttering to himself. After a last look at IAN, BARBARA follows him.) BARBARA: Ian, come out and look! (IAN follows, dazed. He staggers, putting a hand to his forehead again ) SUSAN: Oh, lean on me. IAN: Thank you. I'm all right. Thanks. (She leads him out of the TARDIS, and the double doors close behind them...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. DESERT (...slamming shut outside the police box exterior. IAN and BARBARA stare at the unfamiliar landscape around them. IAN stumbles and steadies himself against SUSAN who looks up to him for a response. The cry of a bird interrupts the noise of the wind.) SUSAN: Well? IAN: But, th-th-there must be some explanation... (A short distance away, The DOCTOR, meanwhile, has noticed something else...) DOCTOR: (To himself.) It's still a police box. Why hasn't it changed? Dear dear, how very disturbing. (He wanders off, a troubled look on his face as the other three huddle near the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. DESERT (The DOCTOR scans the landscape around him with a scientist's eye, noting various formations. He stops at one, kneels down, and starts pulling his belongings from his shoulder bag. Behind him, KAL crouches, stone axe ready.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. DESERT (BARBARA picks up a half-buried skull of a creature from the ground. She shows it to SUSAN.) BARBARA: What do you think it could be? Ian, look at this! (IAN comes and has a look at it.) IAN: I don't know. Hasn't got any horns or antlers...it could be a horse (He gets up and walks away slightly from the two women.) It could be anything. (He looks around again.) Incredible - a police box in the midst of...it just doesn't make sense... (SUSAN looks at the TARDIS, and is surprised herself to see that it's still a police box.) SUSAN: It should have changed. Wonder why it hasn't happened this time... BARBARA: The ship, you mean? SUSAN: Yes. It's been an Ionic Column and a Sedan Chair... BARBARA: (Realising.) Disguising itself wherever it goes. SUSAN: Yes, that's right...but it hasn't happened this time. I wonder why not? (She shrugs it off and picks up the skull.) Wonder if this old head'll help Grandfather? Where is he? (She walks off to find him. BARBARA smiles at the stupefied IAN.) BARBARA: You're very quiet. IAN: I was wrong, wasn't I? BARBARA: Oh, look, I don't understand it any more than you do. The inside of the ship, suddenly finding ourselves here...even some of the things Doctor Foreman says... IAN: That's not his name. Who is he? Doctor who? Perhaps if we knew his name, we might have a clue as to all of this. BARBARA: Look, Ian...the point is, it's happened! IAN: Yes, it has. But it's impossible to accept. I know I'm... (SUSAN runs back up to them). SUSAN: (Worried.) I can't see him anywhere. BARBARA: (Reassuringly.) Oh, he can't be far away. SUSAN: I had a feeling just now as if we were being watched. (She calls.) Grandfather... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. DESERT (The DOCTOR lights up a pipe as he looks over the samples he's taken. The sight rivets the caveman, and finally forces him out of hiding. He leaps upon the DOCTOR with a roar...the DOCTOR yells in panic and pain...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. DESERT (The yell is overheard by the group.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (She drops the skull and starts toward the noise, the others right behind her.) IAN: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. DESERT (They arrive only to find the bag, the samples, and the smashed instrument.) IAN: Look! SUSAN: What is it? BARBARA: There's some of his things! SUSAN: (Hysterical.) Grandfather, where are you? IAN: Susan, don't panic... SUSAN: I must find him...I must see... (IAN tries to grab her and calm her down, but she twists out of his grip and runs out of sight.) IAN: Well, be careful, then! BARBARA: Ian, look! (She points at the remains of the Geiger counter. IAN picks it up.) IAN: It's not much good anymore. BARBARA: Well, maybe he saw something and went off to investigate. IAN: (Picking up the DOCTOR'S hat.) Leaving this? BARBARA: Well, what do you think happened? IAN: I don't know. Perhaps he was excited and went off to investigate something as you suggest, but...he may have been taken. (SUSAN returns, sobbing.) SUSAN: I can't see him, I can't find him anywhere...There's not a sign of him... IAN: Calm down, Susan. BARBARA: Susan, don't worry. (SUSAN stoops down and picks up a small book from the pile of belongings.) BARBARA: What's the matter? SUSAN: It's his notes! He'd never leave his notebook, it's too important to him...it's got the key codes of all the machines on the ship, it's got notes of everywhere we've been to...oh, something terrible has happened to him, I know it has! We must find him! (She starts to run off again. BARBARA goes after her, grabs her as she sags against a rock, distraught.) BARBARA: Susan! Susan, we'll find him, I promise you! He can't be far away! IAN: (Picking up the DOCTOR'S things.) What's on the other side of those rocks? SUSAN: (A little calmer.) There's a line of trees, and there's a gap in them...there might be a path on the other side... IAN: (Picks up the bag.) All right, we'll try there first. Come on. (As he starts to get up, he pauses...putting his hands against the sand.) IAN: Strange... BARBARA: What? IAN: This sand...it's cold. It's nearly freezing! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CAVE (Inside, the cave a group of the tribes children are having a mock hunt, pounding one of their companions dressed in a leopard skin with sticks yelling "kill"! The OLD MOTHER sits quietly off to the side, not even looking at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SIDE CAVE (In this part of cave, a small group of tribes-people - including ZA and HUR - are eating some food. A bearded, semi-elderly caveman, HORG, sits down next to ZA.) HORG: Kal says...where he comes from, he's often seen men make fire. ZA: Kal is a liar. HORG: He says Orb will soon show him how it is done. ZA: His tribe died in the last cold. If he had not found us, he would have died too. HUR: (Intrigued.) What else did he say? HORG: He says...Orb only shows the secret to the leader. ZA: I am leader. Orb will show me. I am the son of the great firemaker. .(Quietly, more to himself.) But he does not show me how to put flames into the sticks. Kal comes. I do not kill him...I let him eat with us, and sleep in our caves. I will have to spill some blood, and make people bow to me. (The noise of a commotion reaches them from the main cave. ZA hears it, gets up with the others, and walks out to investigate.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CAVE (KAL has arrived and he has the knocked-out DOCTOR slung over his shoulder. The tribes-people are all astir at this strange sight. He places the DOCTOR on a large rock. ZA looks him over.) ZA: This is a strange creature... KAL: (Sarcastic.) Is Za, son of the firemaker...afraid of an old man? When will Za make fire come from his hands? ZA: When Orb decides it! KAL: Orb is for strong men! Orb has sent me this creature...to make fire come from his fingers! I have seen it! Inside, he is full of fire! Smoke comes from his mouth! ZA: As lies come out of yours! (ZA starts to kneel down to take a closer look at the DOCTOR. KAL lays his arms protectively over the old man's body.) ZA: He wears strange skins... KAL: Za is afraid. There was a strange tree. The creature was in it. Za would have run away, had he seen it. (He jumps back in time as ZA'S punch hits only the air.) KAL: (Loudly to the tribe.) When I saw fire come from his fingers, I remembered Za, son of the firemaker! And when the cold comes, we will all die if you wait for Za to make fire for you! I, Kal, am a true leader! We fought, like the tiger and the bear. My strength was too much for him! He laid down to sleep, and I, Kal, carried him here to make fire for you! (The tribe looks convinced.) ZA: (Shouting.) Why do you listen to Kal? HORG: Za has many good skins. He has forgotten what the cold is like. ZA: Tomorrow, I kill many bears. You will all have warm skins... HORG: I say tomorrow, you will rub your hands together and hold them to the dry sticks, and ask Orb to send you fire. And the bears will stay warm in their own skins. ZA: (Seething.) What I say I will do, I will do! KAL: Bah! (He waves in dismissal.) The firemaker is dead! You all carry dry sticks with you! But tonight, I make them burn! I am leader! (HUR has been kneeling over the DOCTOR during these proceedings, and now...) HUR: The creature has opened its eyes! (A collective gasp from the crowd. The DOCTOR stirs to consciousness.) DOCTOR: ugnn...where's my...wh... KAL: (To the tribe.) Do you want fire? Or do you want to die in the cold?? CROWD: Fire! fire! KAL: (Nods.) It is cold...the tiger comes to our caves again at night...Za will give you to the tiger!! Za will give you to the cold! Za rubs his hands and waits for Orb to remember him! (A long look at the stirring DOCTOR.) My creature...can make fire come from his fingers!! I have seen it. But I, Kal, brought him here. The creature is mine! ZA: He is just an old man in strange skins! (He moves into combat stance, hefting his axe. KAL does the same.) ZA: Kal has been with us too long. It is time he died! (KAL starts to divest himself of his furs, ready to do combat. HORG puts himself between the two...) HORG: I say there is truth in both of you! Za speaks truth that fire cannot live in men, and Kal speaks the truth that we die without fire. HUR: Will my father listen to a woman? If this old man can make fire come out of his fingers, let us see it now! (ZA pushes her aside.) ZA: I say what is to be done here, not old men and women! KAL: Za tries to talk like his father, the firemaker! Za does not want to see fire made! But I, Kal, am not afraid of fire! I will make my creature make fire! (The DOCTOR is fully awake by now and listening to the conversation.) ZA: I will take him to the Cave of Skulls, and he will tell me the secret! DOCTOR: (Getting off the rock.) I can make fire for you! Let me go, and I will make all the fire you want! (He starts toward the tribes-people, who step back from him in fear.) You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm an old man. How can an old man like me harm any of you...Huh? ZA: What does he say...? HORG: Fire! He says he can make fire for us! (The DOCTOR starts checking his pockets, frowning.) KAL: Huhnn? He makes it for me, and I give you fire! I am firemaker! (The DOCTOR'S search grows more frantic.) ZA: He will make it for me... DOCTOR: (To himself.) My matches! Where are they? (He mutters inaudibly.) Must get back to the ship. ZA: Do now! (The DOCTOR mutters to himself as he continues to search his pockets.) KAL: He is Kals' creature. He makes fire only for Kal. (The DOCTOR makes a decision, and addresses the tribes-people). DOCTOR: Take me back to my ship, and I will make fire for you! All the fire you want! ZA: This is more of your lies...the old man cannot make fire! KAL: There was a tree...the creature came from in it...and the fire...it came out of his fingers... (The tribe are less than convinced - they can see no fire. KAL grows more desperate.) ZA: You ought to be strong like Za, son of the great firemaker! (He jumps atop the rock and shouts at the tribe.) You all heard him say that there would be fire. There is no fire! Za does not lie! He does not say, "I will do this thing," and then not do it! He does not say, "I will make you warm," and then leave you to the dark! He does not say, "I will frighten away the tiger with fire," and then let him come to you in the dark! Do you want a liar for your chief? (The crowd grumbles in the negative. KAL looks at the crowd, and then seizes the DOCTOR and thrusts his face into his.) KAL: Make fire! Make fire! HUR: (She laughs.) You are trapped in your own lies, Kal! ZA: (Mocking from the rock) Oh, great Kal, who is afraid of nothing! O great Kal! Save us from the cold! Save us from the tiger! (The cave is roaring with laughter. KAL desperately grabs the DOCTOR'S hands, trying to slap them together.) KAL: Make fire...make fire come from your fingers, as I saw... DOCTOR: I have no matches! I cannot make fire! KAL: Make... DOCTOR: (Shouting.) I cannot make fire! (ZA gets between them.) ZA: (Mocking.) Let the old man die, and we'll watch "The Great Kal" as he kills his strong enemy! (Enraged, KAL spins the DOCTOR around, his back facing him. His knife is suddenly just touching the DOCTOR'S neck.) KAL: Make fire, make fire, or I kill you now! ZA: (Still mocking.) Or we'll keep them to take hunt with us! It's good to have someone to laugh at! (KAL raises his knife. Suddenly SUSAN runs into the cave through the crowd and onto KAL'S back) SUSAN: Grandfather! (Screaming furiously, SUSAN beats on KAL from behind. IAN and BARBARA join the fracas although BARBARA is quickly grabbed from behind. One of the cavemen gets the better of IAN, and ZA raises his axe to cleave his skull...) DOCTOR: If he dies, there will be no fire! (The fight halts suddenly. ZA snarls and hoists IAN up, handing his axe to another caveman. During the silence that follows, KAL looks over each of the newcomers. He stares open-jawed at BARBARA. He staggers up to her, his hand about to touch her made-up, 20th century face.) OLD MOTHER: Kill her! Kill her! (KAL'S hands move to his furs, ZA grabs him and BARBARA screams.) ZA: Wait! (KAL makes a guttural reply.) ZA: When Orb gives fire back to the sky, let him look down on them. Then that is when they die! And Orb will bring us fire! (KAL looks in anger at ZA. After a moment, and a look at the crowd, he replaces his stone knife in his furs.) ZA: Take them to the Cave of Skulls. (The tribe carry the four out, SUSAN screaming all the way.) SUSAN: No! Ah, ah, Grandfather! No, No... (ZA and KAL look at each other coldly. Then KAL walks away. ZA smiles at HUR. HORG starts to pull her away, but ZA pulls her back to him.) ZA: The woman is mine. HORG: My daughter is for the leader of the tribe. ZA: Yes! The woman is mine! HORG: I do not like what has happened. ZA: Old men never like new things to happen. HORG: (Bristling.) I was a great leader of many men. ZA: Many men, yes. They all died when Orb left the sky and the great cold was on the ground. But Orb will give me fire again. To me, not to you. Just as you will give me her. HUR: Za will be a strong leader of many men. If you give me to him, he will remember, and always give you meat. HORG: (He nods his head.) Hmm...hmm... (HORG walks off. ZA and HUR walk in the other direction. The OLD MOTHER mutters to herself.) OLD MOTHER: There were leaders before there was fire...fire will kill us all in the end. (To ZA.) You should have killed the four strangers. Killed them... (ZA walks up to her side.) ZA: I have said we will wait until Orb shines again. Then they die. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. CAVE OF SKULLS (A group of tribes-men complete the task of tying up the four inside a cave filled with bones of all types. IAN stumbles to the ground with the others as their captors leave. He looks down at a prone BARBARA.) BARBARA: (Coughs.) Ian... IAN: Are you all right? Did they hurt you? BARBARA: No...Ian, I'm frightened... IAN: Try to hang on. BARBARA: But how are we going to get out of this? (The DOCTOR is sitting, and muttering furiously as he works at his bonds.) DOCTOR: We must use our cunning. I hope you can get yourself free, Chesterton. I can't. Eeuuch! The stench in here. The stench... I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I...I'm desperately sorry. SUSAN: Don't blame yourself, Grandfather. DOCTOR: (Noticing something.) Look...look at that! Look! (A pair of skulls lie next to them. One cracked and missing its four front teeth. The other with a hole at the top. ) IAN: They're all the same. They've been split open...

Plan: A: two humble teachers; Q: What were Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton? A: 1963; Q: What year did Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton meet Susan Foreman? A: a bright student; Q: What kind of student is Susan? A: her upbringing; Q: What do Barbara and Ian want to know about Susan? A: a junkyard; Q: What do Barbara and Ian find when they go to Susan's home? A: her grandfather; Q: Who is Susan Foreman's guardian? A: his and Susan's otherworldly origins; Q: What do the teachers know too much about? A: his TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor use to travel through space and time? Summary: Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton, two humble teachers during 1963, are surprised by a bright student named Susan Foreman. Feeling inquisitive of her upbringing, they seek out her residence to learn who nurtured such a genius. There, they discover a junkyard inhabited by her grandfather, simply known as "the Doctor", and he doesn't want them lurking about. When the teachers refuse to leave, they discover that an ordinary police box is actually bigger on the inside. The Doctor decides they know too much about his and Susan's otherworldly origins and takes them on a journey across space and time in his TARDIS, the place he and Susan now call home.

Lindsey: "I'm with Wolfram and Hart. Should you continue to harass our client, then we will be forced to bring you into the light of day." Faith: "So who am I supposed to kill?" Lindsey: "His name is Angel." Angel: "So how does it work for a guy like you?" Lindsey: "We only handle a certain class of clientele." Angel: "I'm sure I've killed enough people to qualify." Lindsey: "You know just when I think I've got you figured out - you show up in a suit." Angel: "I'll be around." Gunn: "I don't need no help." Angel: "I might." Ty: "You." Gunn: "You expecting somebody else?" Two toy soldiers are crawling on the sidewalk. Man: "Only two left. I'll cut you a deal. They're real collector's items. - You won't be sorry. (Blind woman tapping the way ahead of her with a cane is coming down the sidewalk towards them) You just turn them on and you let them go." Two young boys pool their money and give it to the man. Boy: "Here you go." Man: "Nice doing business with you. (Sees the blind woman) Wait, Miss. (Woman stops and he moves some toy trucks out of her way) Okay." The woman continues past him, tapping as she goes. A vampire comes flying over some bales in a warehouse. Angel raises a stake but before he can dust the first vamp he is jumped by another from behind, and the stake drops from his hand. He fights the two of them (nice stunt work and fight choreography here), dusts one, gets kicked in the face by the other. Wraps a chain around the neck of the remaining vampire, hoists him up and slides him, along an overhead track, into a piece of wood protruding from some stacked pallets, dusting him. As Angel is about to leave he hears a man groaning. It's a black middle aged man, holding his stomach, who stumbles into the factory and slides down the wall next to a doorway. Angel goes to check whether he is still alive, hears something and straightens up. The blind woman grabs him by the throat and throws him against the wall. Angel comes back swinging, but the woman anticipates his every strike and avoids them easily. She is doing some type of eastern self defense routine, and Angel can't land a single hit, though he manages to knock her glasses off, showing that her eyes are all white - she really is blind. She throws him across the room and is gone by the time Angel gets back up. Intro. Angel Investigations, Day. Wesley closes a book: "Demons with one eye, demons with twelve eyes, some with double vision, - but no blind demons. - Perhaps Angel's discovered a new species." Cordy in front of the computer: "What? Helen Kellerus Homocidalus?" Wesley gets up: "Of course it's possible she is not a demon at all." Cordy: "You think?" Wesley: "Perhaps she's simply learned to hone her senses around her disability. Angel said it was as if she anticipated his actions before he carried them out." Cordy: "A handy skill - in fight or - on a date." Wesley: "Unusual to be certain, but not necessarily demonic." Cordy: "Someone like that kind of stands out in a crowd - for an assassin, I mean." Wesley: "Decidedly." Cordy: "Maybe even have a record." On the computer Cordy typed a search of 'blind woman murder' into the Police Crime and Criminals Database and found one match: Vanessa Brewer, Date of Birth: July 18, 1967, Place of Birth: San Francisco, Citizenship: United States, Gender: Female, Hair: Brown, Eyes: Blind, Height: 5'6", Weight: 122, Misc: Blind eyes, no visible iris, Known Associates: None, Arrests: 1 misdemeanor, 0 convictions, 2 Felony, 0 Convictions. Wesley: "One assumes she has done this sort of thing before. Based on Angel's description..." Cordy: "Vanessa Brewer." Wesley: "What? You found her?" Cordy: "Our first stop doesn't always have to be world of the weird, you know? Sometimes actual human people can be just - awful." Wesley reading from monitor: "First arrest in 1993." Cordy: "She was fleeing the scene of a homicide. No charges were brought. Arrested again in 95. Charged with aggravated assault. That one never went to trial. And finally arrested in 99 as a suspect in a double homicide, for which she is currently on trial." Wesley: "She was on bail when Angel encountered her." Cordy: "But that's not the real whammy. Look who's defending her." Vanessa, without her dark sunglasses is sitting on a court bench. Lindsey: "Your honor, we request the courts compassion in this obviously mishandled affair. - The district attorney's attempt to link my client, Miss Brewer, with this brutal crime would be laughable if it weren't so sad. To think that my client, with her particular disability, could physically commit such a murder (Angel walks into the court room) is beyond the realm of believability." Angel throws something at Vanessa from behind. Her hand shoots up and she catches it. The court room erupts into noise, the judge bangs his gavel, Lindsey looks around to see Angel free himself from the bailiffs grip and run out. Vanessa puts on her dark glasses that Angel just threw her as the judge bangs the gavel for order. Wesley: "She obviously doesn't see the way we do - but she can see." Angel steps out of the elevator and goes to his desk. Wesley: "In a sense. The human eye is only capable of registering a small portion of the electromagnetic spectrum, but if Brewer was somehow equipped to see outside that range..." Cordy: "She'd be Superman. What's the diff' in how she sees, anyway? So she can get a look at the bars of her cell. Why are we still talking about this?" Angel: "Because Wolfram and Hart is representing her pro bono, - which means - she's probably still working for them." Wolfram and Hart, Attorneys at Law, Day. Lindsey is watching a group of older men talk to Vanessa looking into an office through an open door. Holland: "We are very pleased with the outcome, Vanessa. It's a pleasure doing business." Lee steps up behind Lindsey. Lee: "I can't believe you got her off on all charges. Not since Ostrosky versus California have I seen such devious legal maneuvering. And now the big brass are smiling upon you. - You're the man of the hour." Lindsey: "Is there something you want?" Lee grins: "Is it me or is there something kind of - hot about her? (Lindsey looks at him) Well, I'm just saying, I wouldn't say 'no.' I'd be too scared to." Vanessa turns and smiles in their direction and Holland waves. Holland: "Lindsey, come say hello." Lee: "I think she likes you." Lee pats Lindsey on the back and walks off as Lindsey walks over to the group around Vanessa. Holland: "Ah, Bill, Chuck, you remember Lindsey McDonald, our point man on Miss Brewers case?" Lindsey shakes hands with the two older men standing behind Vanessa. Holland to Lindsey: "You did an excellent job." Vanessa catches Lindsey's hand and holds it in both of hers. Vanessa: "Thank you, Lindsey." Lindsey: "You're welcome." Vanessa: "It's nice to see you again." Lindsey: "You too." Vanessa leaves with Bill and Chuck. Holland: "Bye. (To Lindsey) Got a sec?" Lindsey walks into the office and Holland closes the doors. Holland: "Does she unnerve you?" Lindsey looking out the window: "A little." Holland: "Two minutes alone with that woman and I feel like my spines been fused. Still, one has to admire her talent - and her work ethic. - Everything all right? You look a little stressed." Lindsey: "I've been putting in the hours, but..." Holland: "Ah. Well, that's a big part - the perspiration. - But the other part - the inspiration - you've had kind of a rough year on that end." Lindsey: "I've made -uh - some bad choices." Holland: "Well, I'll say." Lindsey: "Sending the rogue Slayer after the vampire?" Holland: "Among other things. But you've had a nice success in court. You're starting to pull out of it. I'm fond of you, Lindsey. I'd like to see you moving up here." Lindsey: "I'm glad to hear that, sir." Holland: "Not everybody will. - This is kind of our - Harvest - time of year - where we separate the winners from the - uh - dead weight. - Now I have to say, you don't seem that happy lately. - Could I take a wild stab as to what I think that might be?" Lindsey: "Sure." Holland: "It's your age. You're a young man. You've hitched your wagon to our star. Oh, and it's a bright star. - But now you're starting to feel a little 'Is that all there is?" Lindsey: "Sometimes you question things, but I mean it's no big..." Holland: "Yeah, I did a lot of crazy things when I was your age - searching and all. - Took me a while to realize how the world was put together and where I belonged in it. - And actually the world isn't that complicated. - It's designed for those who know how to use it." Lindsey: "Yes, sir." Holland: "Don't give me that 'yes, sir' crap. I want you to think about these things. - You're not going to be happy until you find your place in the scheme of things. - Okay, enough of the old guy's lecture. Now, down to business. I don't think she had a happy childhood." Lindsey: "Sir?" Holland: "Our blind friend, Vanessa. I think she was terribly abused growing up. I think the details of that are tragic and shockingly specific, and I think you should create them, sooner rather than later." Lindsey: "She is going to do something else that may require a strong defense." Holland: "Strong defense - alibis - creative alternatives to incarceration. - She is an invaluable tool to some of our most valuable clients and we can't risk losing her." Lindsey: "What's she gonna do?" Holland: "There is some children arriving. They pose a threat." Lindsey: "Some children." Holland: "Is this too shocking for you?" Lindsey: "I'm just thinking it might be for a jury." Holland: "Which is why I'm thinking her terrible, terrible childhood drove her to it. - Not guilty by reason of insanity. Of course the odds of her getting caught again are pretty slim." Lindsey: "Who- who are these children?" Holland: "It's best we know only what we need to - without forgetting the important part we play in the greater whole. (Pats him on the shoulder and leaves) I'm sure you're gonna want to get right on it." Angel picks up his phone and throws it against the wall. Wesley and Cordy hesitantly open the door to his office. Angel: "They acquitted her. Hung jury." Wesley: "I'm sorry, Angel." Angel: "How am I supposed to fight evil if they won't even put it behind bars?" Cordy: "It's not your fault." Angel: "No, it's not my fault. - I-I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it. I can't do anything about it. - Well, she's guilty. - She's guilty and- and they let her go. She murdered a man right in front of me and I can't even testify to that fact in a court of law." Cordy: "Well, maybe in night court you could..." Angel: "It's their court room, not mine." Cordy: "Whose?" Angel: "Their rules, their game." Cordy: "Oh, you mean the Wolfram and Hart types." Angel shakes his head: "I have no place in their world at all." Wesley: "Angel." Angel: "How am I expected to do battle if I can't even get into the ring?" Wesley: "You have a place, Angel. Our battle will be fought elsewhere." Angel: "It's still their world, Wesley. Structured for power - not truth. - It's their system, and it's one that works. - It works because - there is no guilt - there is no torment, no consequences. - It's pure. - I remember what that was like. - Sometimes I miss that clarity." Cordy: "But not the trying to kill your friends and family part, right? - Just checking!" Angel: "Nothing ever changes." Angel sits down with a sigh rubbing his face with his hands. Lindsey walks in through the outer office. Lindsey: "I need your help." Angel looks at him: "What do you mean?" Lindsey: "I want out." The door to Angel's office closes, leaving him and Lindsey alone. Lindsey: "You probably think this is some kind of trick." Angel: "Are you afraid of me, Lindsey? - You think maybe I might kill you?" Lindsey: "No." Angel: "I'm smelling a whole lot of fear - big - stinky - mortal - terror. So, no, I don't think this is a trick - I think it's a big joke.' Lindsey: "Hey, I don't want to be here anymore than you want to see me. But I don't have a choice." Angel: "You always have a choice. I mean, you sold your soul for a fifth-floor office and a company car." Lindsey: "You think you've got me all figured out? You think you know everything about me?" Angel: "Everything I need to know." Lindsey: "What was your father? He was a merchant, right? Linen and silk? Did pretty well? Had a couple of servants until you killed them?" Angel: "Just the one." Lindsey: "Well, our files aren't 100 percent, - but I guess it's fair to say that - you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor - no shoes - no toilet. Six of us kids in a room, and come flue season it was down to four. - I was seven when they took the house. They just came right in and took it. - And my daddy is being nice, you know? Joking with the bastards while he signs the deed. Yeah, so we had a choice. Either you got stepped on or you got to stepping and I swore to myself that I was not going to be the guy standing there with the stupid grin on my face - while my life got dribbled out..." Angel: "I'm sorry. I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?" Lindsey: "I found out about a job. The blind woman. Vanessa Brewer. Your friend from court." Angel: "That you got off." Lindsey: "There is a new contract." Angel: "Why don't we just save the lawyer talk?" Lindsey: "She's gonna kill some kids. - I've worked some pretty hairy deals, comes with the turf, but this..." Angel: "What do you know?" Lindsey: "Almost nothing. Some kids from overseas, job's in a couple of days." Angel: "I need more." Lindsey: "There's some files. They'd be at the firm, probably in the vault." Angel: "Then I'll guess you'll get them out." Lindsey: "I can't go back in there. Do you understand what that place is?" Angel: "I'm not sensing a whole lot of resolve here." Lindsey: "They are constantly watching you. Other companies have drug testing - they have mind-readers. I go back there, they're gonna kill me." Angel: "That's what we call an acceptable risk. You're panicking right now. You can't believe how bad you let things get. - That's not change. - You have to make a decision to change. That's something you do by yourself. Most people - they never do." Lindsey: "If I get myself killed, that'll convince you that I've changed." Angel: "It's a start." Outer office, day, Lindsey, Angel, Wesley and Cordy are planning the break-in. Lindsey: "Vault's at sub-lever two. Hall's outside the boiler room." Angel: "Sewer access?" Lindsey: "You'd have to burn your way in." Cordy: "Why are you going in at all? I thought born-again boy was gonna do it." Angel: "It's a two men job. How do I access the vault?" Lindsey: "My pass. I'll need it to get in. They're getting pretty tight with security. But I can leave it downstairs for you. Gets you right into the vault." Cordy: "Again I say..." Lindsey: "It's guarded. Demon. Doesn't go in for unauthorized visits. There is no way I can take it." Angel: "What kind of demon?" Lindsey: "Preggothian. I think." Wesley: "I'll get you a battle profile - weaknesses and such." Angel: "Right." Lindsey: "I'll do what I can with the security monitors, but you'll have to move fast because the moment - oh, damn it." Wesley: "What?" Lindsey: "The threshold. They have shamans. They can sense the moment a vampire crosses the threshold." Angel: "That's not going to be a problem." Cordy: "Well, then. Seems pretty simple, except for the 'you'll definitely get caught' factor." Lindsey: "The righteous shall walk a thorny path." Angel is talking to Gunn standing behind the stake gun mounted on the kids pickup truck, night. Gunn: "Yeah, I can get a hold of one. But why would I want to?" Angel: "In the interest of justice - and maybe doing the right thing?" Gunn: "Not really interested in some rich guy's heartbreak." Gunn aims the stake gun at a mattress leaning up against a wall. Angel: "You're low. (Gunn looks at him. Angel looks towards the mattress) Just my opinion." Gunn raises the gun a little and fires. The stake hits the mattress at heart level. Gunn: "Give me one good reason." Angel: "It'll be extremely dangerous." Gunn nods with a smile: "Okay." Lindsey walks into the offices of Wolfram and Hart, day. Clips on his security badge (which has an 8 on it, while Holland's had a 7), waves to the security people. Angel is lighting a blow torch and cutting a circle into the roof of the sewer. Lindsey steps out of an elevator. Voice: "Entering sublevel 3. Priority clearance required." Walks down a deserted hallway. A Door opens as he is about to pass it and Lilah Morgan almost runs into him. Lindsey: "Lilah." Lilah: "You scared me." Lindsey: "Me too." Lilah: "I'm sorry. I'm always in too much of a hurry." Lindsey: "I think we all are." Lilah: "Hmm." Cocks her head towards the room behind her. Lindsey starts to go in: "Oh, yeah. You're doing some research?" Lilah: "Only when I want it done right." Lindsey: "I know what you mean. I don't mind making myself look like an idiot, but I hate it when some clerk does." Lilah: "I was under the impression that you never touch a book anymore." Lindsey: "Little secret between you and me: if the amoebas find out you're willing to read, they lose all respect for you." Closes the door to the back-records room in her face. After a moment Lilah walks off. Lindsey opens the door and checks that she's gone then sticks his pass to the bottom of a case holding a fire extinguisher. Angel has finished cutting the circle, takes his goggles off and checks his watch, then attaches two magnetic clamps to the circle and pulls it open. [SCENE_BREAK] Lindsey is back upstairs. Angel takes off his overall, revealing a business suit underneath and checks his watch again. Security guy sees Lindsey coming to his office on one of his monitors. Voice: "Personnel approaching security office." Howard: "Hello, Mr. McDonald." Lindsey: "Hey, Howard. You got a minute?" Howard: "Sure." Lindsey looks at a huddled figure in a red robe behind Howard then comes in and shuts the door. Lindsey: "I checked the series 7500 video surveillance system you suggested. Do I really need cellular override and direct digital link to the office? I mean, it seems a little overkill." Howard: "Better safe than sorry." Lindsey checks his watch then looks at one of the monitors, where Gunn is walking in through the front door into the lobby. Gunn: "Whoo-whoo! My god! They told me it was true, but I didn't believe them. Damn, here it is! Evil white folks really do have a Mecca. (Holds up a hand to the security guards stepping out from behind their desk) Now, now, girls, don't get all riled up." Quick cut to Angel in the sewers - Lindsey up in the security office. Gunn: "OW! Did you just step on my foot? (The nearest guard is still at least 8 feet away from him) Is that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assaulting me - up in this haven of justice?" Angel checks his watch. Gunn: "Somebody get me a lawyer - because my civil rights have seriously been violated. - Oh, I get it, I get it. You all can cater to the demon, cater to the dead man, but what about the black man!" Angel checks his watch. Gunn checks his watch. Gunn: "I'd love to stay and chat, but - yo, fellows!" He turns to look at the door where two of the kids are carrying in a body-sized bundle. At the same time Angel climbs up through the hole and the red robed shaman (ugly fellow, definitely not human) lifts its head with a squeal. Lindsey looks at the kids on the monitor. Howard picks up the phone. Howard: "We got a vampire on the premises. Repeat, vampire on the premises." Gunn cuts the cord securing the bundle, smiling at the security guards, then he and his buddies walk out while the wrapping falls back to reveal a vampire in full vamp face.Angel walks through a door into the hallway on sublevel 3. Lindsey watches him pick up the security pass, then switches the camera to a different view. Lindsey: "Well, looks like you got your hands full, so..." Howard nods as Lindsey leaves. The security guards are chasing the vampire. One of them pushes a button on his nightstick and a wooden stake protrudes from the end of it. After a short fight, the vamp gets dusted. Angel runs Lindsey's card through a lock and punches in a number. A door slides open as Angel clips the card to his lapel. He hears some growling noises behind him and turns to punch an ugly looking demon in the face, Throwing him against the wall. When the demon gets back up and comes at him again, Angel opens his hand and blows some powder into the demons face. It freezes in place. Angel puts one finger against the demons forehead and gives it a slight push, toppling it backward. He dusts his hands off with a smile. Angel: "Thank you, Wesley." Picks up his attaché case and enters the vault. There are all types of weapons and artifacts mounted along the walls as well as some file drawers recessed into one wall. Lindsey steps out of an elevator. Angel checks the drawers. Lee comes up beside Lindsey. Lee: "Hey, what's all the excitement? A vampire in the lobby? Did I hear that right?" Lindsey: "Never a dull moment." Lee walks off with a laugh. Angel is putting some CD cases labeled Wolfram and Hart - Restricted Access into his briefcase. On his way out he sees a round metal tube covered with symbols. He hesitates, then walks over to stare at it. He glances at the open door and the unconscious demon on the other side, then opens his briefcase and takes the tube (looks a bit like a Tibetan incense holder). An alarm goes off as soon as he moves the tube and a grate slides down to block the door, while all kinds of alarms go off up in the security office. Angel drops the tube in his briefcase and slides headfirst under the gate, which closes behind him. Lindsey's cell phone rings. Angel: "We're done. Get out. Now." Angel drops back down into the sewer. Lindsey sees two security guards and changes direction, but there are guards everywhere herding people along the hallways. Lilah: "Can you believe this? It's a sweep. (Checks Lindsey's watch) Oh, I'll never make my lunch." Lee sees Holland lead to black ladies into an office. Lee: "What is it?" Lindsey: "Mind readers." Five or six lawyers line up against one wall of Holland's office. Lee: "Shouldn't we've been memoed or something?" Lilah: "That's why they call them random mind readings. (To her cell phone) Yeah, it's Lilah. It looks like I won't be able to make the 1 o'clock. - Great." The two mind readers slowly work their way down the line. Then step aside to talk to Holland. Holland glances at the lawyers than turns to face them. Holland: "Well, I have to say, this is a shame. It's just a shame. Whenever I hear of disloyalty it - ah, hurts me. - Hurts me personally. (Looks over at a bald security guard, which then steps behind the row of lawyers) But this sort of thing (goes to stand in front of Lindsey) must be dealt with quickly and cleanly (Lindsey and Holland look at each other, then Holland steps over to stand in front of Lee) and unambiguously. - I'm sorry, Lee, I truly am." Lee: "What? - No." Holland: "You've been in secret talks with Klein and Gabler." Lee: "They approached me." Holland: "You planned on taking clients with you when you left to join them." Lee: "You don't understand. They misread me. (Holland nods to the security guard, Phil) I just wanted Klein and Gabler to think..." Phil puts a bullet into the back of Lee's head splattering the side of Lindsey's face with blood. Holland: "Terminating an employee is never pleasant. - That's all. (As everyone leaves for the door) Oh, Lindsey - why don't you hang on for a minute." Angel comes up the elevator in to his office. Angel: "Lindsey?" Wesley: "He's not with you?" Angel: "No." Cordy: "That can't be good." Wesley: "Something must have happened." Cordy: "You're not going back for him?" Angel: "If he made it out then he'll be here. If he didn't then there is no reason to go back for him. We have work to do." Wesley: "So you got the files then." Angel takes out the files and sets them on Cordy's desk. Angel: "Right here." Cordy: "Which one is it?" Angel: "I don't know. We'll have to go through them until we find it." Wesley takes the metal tube out of the open briefcase. Wesley: "Angel, what's this?" Angel: "I'm not sure." Wesley pulls a roll of parchment out of the tube and unrolls it part way. Wesley: "Ancient Aramaic, if I'm not mistaken." Cordy puts a disk into the zip drive. Angel: "Yeah?" Wesley: "Was there a reason you took this?" Angel: "Yeah." Wesley: "And that would be..." Angel: "I - I don't really know." Wesley: "Well - I'll get to work translating them." Cordy: "Ah, guys? Might want to translate this first." Wesley: "It's encrypted." Cordy: "What do you want to bet the rest of these are, too." Angel: "Great." A guard drags Lee's body out by his feet, leaving a dark smear on the carpet. Holland: "What a pity. You can't get that out of the carpet. - Believe me, we've tried. (Sits down across from Lindsey) Are you afraid? (Lindsey nods slightly) Well, that's understandable. You betrayed this firm by allaying yourself with someone who - has given us a great deal of grief. - You've stolen important documents form our vault. - Tried to sabotaged an extremely important case. - And in the course of this egregious behavior - you lied to us - more importantly, to me. - Did I leave anything out?" Lindsey: "No, sir." Holland: "Did you actually believe I wouldn't learn everything?" Lindsey: "I..." Holland: "Lindsey, this is a delicate moment. - I nod to Phil behind me - and he's gonna put a bullet in your head." Lindsey: "I-I didn't want to lie to you. I didn't - want to betray you. I just wanted out." Holland: "Hm. Well, then you're in a crisis, son - crisis of faith. - Do you believe in love? - I'm not speaking romantically. - I'm talking about that sharp, clear sense of self a man gains - once he's truly found his place in the world. - It's no mean feat, since most men are cowards and just move with the crowd. Very few make their own destinies. They have the courage of their convictions, and they know how to behave in a crisis." Lindsey: "Like now?" Holland: "Like now. You have everything it takes to go all the way here - drive, ambition, - excellence - but you don't know where you belong. And until you do - I guess we both have some important questions to answer. - Now, my first one is - do I nod - to my friend behind me? - No, - I don't. Because I know you, and I know a little something about character. - I think what you actually need is a few days off to think about it. And I'm sure once you have - you're gonna do the right thing." Lindsey: "I can - I can go." Holland: "You can go. (Lindsey slowly gets up) Lindsey - I believe in you. - Look deep enough inside yourself - you'll find that love." Cordy on the phone: "Okay, I'm back to the desktop, Willow. What do I do now? - Okay, done that. - Back to life list. - Yeah. - Yeah." Angel is massaging the bridge of his nose as Wesley sets down a cup carrier holding three coffees. Wesley: "Any luck?" Angel: "She's been on the phone for an hour and 45 minutes." Cordy: "Hey, guess what they've been doing all day?" Wesley: "Uh - saving the world?" Cordy: "Well, yeah. But they've been breaking encrypted computer files, too!" Angel: "What are the odds, huh?" Cordy: "I know. What? Oh, no one, just Wesley." Angel: "Cordelia, can she get us in?" Cordy holds up a finger: "Uh huh. - Uh huh. - Uh huh. (She clicks and the computer beeps. Angel and Wesley lean forward in anticipation) Willow says hey." Angel and Wesley together as they slump back into their seats: "Hey." Cordy: "Okay. Yeah, I see it. - Tag file. Okay. - Left click. (Computer beeps, no reaction from Wes and Angel this time) There it is. Back door. We're in. Thanks, Will." Cordy hangs up as Angel and Wesley step around the desk to have a look. Wesley: "Personnel file, Vanessa Brewer. - She wasn't born blind. She lost her sight when she was 21." Cordy: "On purpose. She did this to herself." Wesley: "Oh, dear." Angel: "And she spent five years in Pajaur, studying the Nanjin. That explains her power." Cordy: "It does?" Wesley: "Yes, the order of the Nanjin, cave dwelling monks. They believe enlightenment is seeing with the heart, not the mind." Cordy: "Are you telling me - self-mutilating, psycho assassin chick reached enlightenment?" Wesley: "Of a kind. She'd be more sensitive to her surroundings than even a sighted person, which is what would make her an unstoppable foe." Angel: "No one's unstoppable. What is her current job?" Wesley: "Here it is. Lindsey was right. Children. Three of them. Seers. They were each found in different remote locations, brought together here for the first time." Cordy: "They're blind, too. Together the children have the power to see into the heart of things." Wesley: "A holy triumvirate. As they mature, so does their power." Lindsey: "Which makes them a real threat to Wolfram and Hart. - Sorry I'm late. I hope I didn't worry anyone." Cordy: "We just figured you were dead." Angel: "So you made it out okay." Lindsey: "Yeah, but it's only a matter of time before they find out which files have gone missing. We have to move fast. When are the children getting into the country?" Wesley: "According to this, they arrived this morning. They're being kept at a safe house with a guardian until their mentor arrives. He's coming in from the East tonight." Angel: "Not safe. There is an address. I want you two to intercept this mentor guy. Keep him away from that house. We'll bring the kids to him." And older man is setting a try of hot chocolate and sandwiches in front of three blind children sitting on the floor. They reach for the cups with a smile. The guy walks away, right into Vanessa's cane and drops to the floor dead. Vanessa walks over to stand in front of the children. As she gets ready to stab the first kid Angel pulls her away. Angel to Lindsey: "Get the kids out of here!" Vanessa throws Angel to the floor then ignores him to kick Lindsey in the stomach. (We get a flash of how she sees, which looks a little like infrared) Angel gets back up and we get a flash of how she sees him (he shows up even brighter than Lindsey) while she pummels him. Lindsey crawls over towards the children. Angel goes down again, but instead of going after him, she beats up on Lindsey again. Angel catches Lindsey as she throws him towards a wall. While they disentangled themselves she turns towards the three children. They look pretty dim in her vision, sitting there motionless. Angel comes up behind her and she stabs behind her catching him in the chest. Angel blocks some of her hits then gets thrown against the wall again. This time when he lands he stays perfectly still, watching her. Vanessa scans the room, but is apparently unable to see him. Angel jumps to his feet once her back is turned. She looks at him but we see his bright shape disappear from her vision as he freezes again. Vanessa makes some stabbing and cutting motions in his general direction, but doesn't even connect. Suddenly her vision explodes into bright color as Angel drops her with a hard face punch. By the time she rolls back up to her feet, Angel has frozen in place again and she looks for him in vain. There is a bright flash in her vision as Angel moves to her side, then freezes again, his fist cocked ready to strike. Angel keeps repeating the same maneuver several times more. In the end Vanessa is right in front of him. As she gets ready to take a stab in his direction, he grabs her cane and diverts it into her own body then lets her drop to the ground. Lindsey holding on to the three children: "It's alright. You're alright." Angel is sitting in his office at night. Wesley comes in carrying the roll of parchment. Wesley: "The children are with their mentor. They're safe." Angel: "Good." Wesley: "They have an important role to play. (Lays the parchment on the desk and sits down) I believe this is how Wolfram and Hart knew of their coming." Angel picks up the parchment: "You know what it is?" Wesley: "If I'm right, the Prophecies of Aberjian - for centuries thought lost. I translated some of the text. As I said, it mentions the children you saved today. - But that's not all. I - I also believe I know why you were drawn to it. - There is an entire passage - about you. - It doesn't call you by name - but it tells of a vampire with a soul. - This doesn't surprise you?" Angel: "No." Wesley: "But you said you didn't know what it was." Angel: "I didn't, but - " Wesley: "Somehow you did?" Angel: "Yeah." Wesley: "There is a design, Angel. Hidden in the chaos as it may be, but - it's there - and you have your place in it." Lindsey walks into Holland's office carrying the disk Angel stole. Holland is putting his stuff into a box. Lindsey: "Holland." Holland: "Hello, Lindsey." Lindsey: "I'm sorry. I did what I had to." Holland: "You saved the children. That's very noble." Lindsey puts the disk on the table: "I brought the disks back." Holland: "Of course you made copies." Lindsey: "A few things. Just enough to keep me safe." Holland: "What does safe mean to you?" Lindsey: "Not being at war with Wolfram and Hart - having my own life." Holland: "Lindsey, - haven't you learned anything? No one has their own life. We're all part of something larger." Lindsey: "Like Wolfram and Hart." Holland: "I handpicked you when you were a sophomore at Hastings - not because you were smart - not because you were a poor kid who had to do better than anyone else - but because you had potential - potential for seeing things as they are. It's not about good or evil - it's about who wields the most power. And we wield a lot of it here, and you know what? I think the world is better for it." Lindsey: "Look, I didn't come back..." Holland: "Why did you come back? To return some disks? Take a moral stand? - I don't think so. You walked in that door and called me by my first name. - You never did that before. You wouldn't have had the nerve. - But you're different now. You stood up to us and won. - Do you know how many people have that much nerve? - I can count them on one hand. - I need people like that working for us." Lindsey after a beat: "You're offering me my job back?' Holland: "Oh, no. I'm offering you a new job. - A permanent one, with a thundering raise and ungodly benefits. In fact, I'm offering you this very office. I'm going upstairs. - What I'm offering you, Lindsey, is the world. Now I know you pretty well, and I'm betting that you're gonna take it." Holland picks up the box with his stuff and walks towards the door. Lindsey: "You may not know me as well as you think you do." Holland: "As I've been trying to tell you, that's a decision that each person has to make for himself. - If you want it it's yours. If you don't - walk out this door. - I'm going upstairs now." Holland leaves. Lindsey leans back on the edge of the desk. After a moment he gets up and walks towards the doors - and slowly closes them. He looks around the office. Sits down in the chair. Feels the desk. Takes the phone off the hook. After a moment he turns the chair to look out over the city lights below. Blend into Angel standing looking out over the city lights as well.

Plan: A: three; Q: How many mystical children were Wolfram and Hart plotting to kill? A: Lindsey; Q: Who goes to Angel for help? A: his loyalties; Q: What does Lindsey begin to question? A: kids; Q: What does Lindsey refuse to kill? A: Gunn; Q: Who helps Angel break into Wolfram and Hart? A: the discs; Q: What do Angel and Gunn steal from Wolfram and Hart? A: a mysterious scroll; Q: What does Angel find in the vault? A: a side; Q: What did Lindsey have to choose? Summary: When Wolfram and Hart plots to kill three mystical children, Lindsey begins to question his loyalties. He's willing to be evil, but he's not willing to murder kids. He goes to Angel for help. Along with Gunn, they devise a plan to break into Wolfram and Hart and steal the discs they'll need to save the children. While Angel is in Wolfram and Hart's vault, though, he finds a mysterious scroll that holds some interesting information about his destiny. Meanwhile, Lindsey had to choose a side once and for all.

2.02 - Hammers and Veils OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is on the couch in the living room as Lorelai calls her from upstairs.] LORELAI: Rory! RORY: Living room! [Lorelai comes down the steps wearing a newspaper veil on her head.] LORELAI: I need your advice on something. What do you think? RORY: Huh. LORELAI: Not good? RORY: I'm not sure. Have you tried the Arts and Leisure section? LORELAI: I need you to be serious. RORY: You are wearing a newspaper on your head. LORELAI: I know. RORY: And you need me to be serious? LORELAI: I am trying to figure out veil lengths here. RORY: Oh, well sure. LORELAI: See, I kind of like this shoulder length kind of semi-poofy thing like this. RORY: Mm hmm. LORELAI: But there's also a longer one that might be interesting. RORY: Longer, sure. LORELAI: And then there's the full on Diana. RORY: Right, right. LORELAI: Which is nice but it just might be a little. . . . You're reading me. RORY: Wait, don't move. LORELAI: Rory, stop it. RORY: This Putin arms race thing is really getting crazy. LORELAI: I am trying to have a serious conversation about the most important fashion decision of my life. RORY: Why don't you go to a wedding dress place and try a real veil on? LORELAI: No way. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Too much taffeta, it gives me cotillion flashbacks. RORY: Okay fine. Could you bend over so I can see what the weather's gonna be like tomorrow? LORELAI: Actually, I went in one of those places yesterday. RORY: You did? Which one? LORELAI: Marry Mimi's. RORY: Ooh, I see we're going top of the line. LORELAI: Ugh, it was horrible. Apparently, you're supposed to order your wedding dress the first day of junior high, and if you haven't, it's off the rack for you missy. I tried on three different dresses, one of which gave me a rash. And I gotta say, has anyone missed the bustle? 'Cause I haven't. RORY: It was not that bad. LORELAI: They all looked wrong. I'm gonna be gross and all the children will laugh and Max will realize he's made a horrible mistake and then people will walk away, exactly as you're doing now. RORY: Let's go. LORELAI: Where? RORY: Wedding dress shopping. LORELAI: Uhhh, you're reading. RORY: I'm done. LORELAI: Uh, you need to see Dean. RORY: He's playing softball. LORELAI: Your cure for cancer's almost finished. RORY: We are going to find the perfect thing for you to walk down the aisle in your perfect wedding day, where there will be no pointing, mocking or walking out. LORELAI: I did not say pointing, why did you say pointing? RORY: Keys. LORELAI: Thank you. CUT TO CHILTON [Paris, Madeline, and Louise are standing next to a bulletin board.] LOUISE: Ooh, spending the summer at Chilton. Happy happy, joy joy. MADELINE: If I don't improve my French grades, I can kiss Vassar goodbye. PARIS: You need to follow a study schedule. I've been telling you this second grade. LOUISE: Yes, which worries both of us. MADELINE: Maybe I won't go to college. PARIS: You have to go to college. LOUISE: Princess Grace didn't go to college. PARIS: Thank you for the history lesson, A.J. Benza. LOUISE: Take a pill. PARIS: Marry rich. [Rory walks over to them] MADELINE: Hey. RORY: Hey. MADELINE: You doing the summer school thing too? RORY: Uh, yeah. MADELINE: What classes are you taking? RORY: Well, I uh LOUISE: Ahem. MADELINE: What? RORY: Uh, you're not talking to me. MADELINE: I'm not? LOUISE: Tristin. PARIS: PJ Harvey. MADELINE: Oh yeah. RORY: I'm just gonna look at the bulletin board, and then you can back to your conversation. MADELINE: There's a Rebuilding Together thing going on tomorrow. You know, they fix up homes for the needy. It's a total easy outdoor denim gig that looks really great on your college transcript. Sorry. RORY: Thanks, I'll think about it. PARIS: You wouldn't like it. RORY: 'Cause you'll be there? PARIS: Yes, I'll be there. RORY: I'll think about it. [Rory walks away. Paris follows her.] PARIS: You don't want to go. RORY: I'll see. PARIS: You don't, it's not you. RORY: I have multiple personalities. It might be one of me. PARIS: It's hours of hammering and drilling and dirt and it's horrible. You'll hate it. RORY: How do you know? How do you know that I don't spend hours every week hammering and drilling? And dirt, I love dirt. I collect it. PARIS: You're hilarious. RORY: You're pathetic. PARIS: Fine. Forget it. [Paris walks back towards the bulletin board. Rory follows her.] RORY: Why don't you want me to go? PARIS: I don't care if you go. RORY: You just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince me not to. PARIS: I'm late for class. RORY: Are you seriously going to be mad about the fact that you thought I was going out with Tristin even though I wasn't for the rest of your life? PARIS: I have great commitment. RORY: And you don't see how stupid that is? PARIS: I'm sorry if you thought we had some kind of deep Thelma and Louise thing going here, but we didn't. RORY: Well, have it your way, but I'm going tomorrow. PARIS: Fine. Go. See if I care. RORY: I will. PARIS: Great. I hate summer. [Paris, Madeline and Louise leave. Henry walks up to Rory.] HENRY: Rory? RORY: Oh, Henry, hi. Nice to see you. HENRY: You too. What classes are you taking? RORY: Shakespeare, physics, obscure Russian poetry. HENRY: Wow. I'm still trying to get through trig. But hey, third time's the charm. RORY: I can help you if you want. HENRY: I just may take you up on that. RORY: Okay. HENRY: Okay. RORY: Lane's fine. HENRY: Is she? Good, 'cause I haven't talked to her in awhile. I called. RORY: Yeah? HENRY: Once. I called once. RORY: And? HENRY: Her mother answered. RORY: Oops. HENRY: She sounded angry. RORY: No, that's just Mrs. Kim. HENRY: I hung up. Twelve times. And then on the thirteenth time she said she was gonna have the FBI trace the call and have me thrown in prison. And although I know logically that the punishment for multiple hang ups probably isn't prison, she just sounded so capable of doing real damage that I. . . RORY: Stopped calling? HENRY: And now Lane probably thinks that I forgot about her, and. . . RORY: You'd like for me to tell her that you haven't. HENRY: That would be good. RORY: Done. HENRY: And maybe you could give her my number and she could call me. RORY: I'll get right on it. HENRY: Aw thanks. [writes his number down, hands the paper to Rory] Thank you. RORY: Uh huh. HENRY: Okay. Bye RORY: Bye. Uh, henry? HENRY: What? RORY: Your trig notes. HENRY: Ahhh. RORY: I think we may have nailed down the problem. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory pull up and walk to the front door talking.] LORELAI: Mom, tomorrow I'm going to build a house. RORY: Help build a house. LORELAI: Did you tell them that there's a light bulb in your closet that burned out in '97 that you still haven't changed? RORY: It's for charity. LORELAI: Wow, don't those people have enough problems without having you as a contractor? RORY: I'm sure there will be real construction workers there. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: I will be assisting, I will be helping out those less fortunate than myself, I will be getting college credit and this is the end of this particular conversation. LORELAI: You're right. It's a good thing. Nice, keeps your halo shiny. Oh wait, wait. [takes off her engagement ring] RORY: When are you going to tell them? LORELAI: Soon. RORY: When's soon? LORELAI: When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON." RORY: You're getting married in three months. LORELAI: Ring the bell. RORY: I think you should tell them now. LORELAI: Ring the bell. RORY: The longer you wait the harder it's gonna be. LORELAI: For the love of God, will you please ring the bell. RORY: You can tell them before dinner. LORELAI: I will tell them when I'm ready to tell them. You have to accept that because I'm the mother and you're the daughter, and in some cultures, that means you have to do what I say. RORY: If you don't tell them in two weeks, I will. LORELAI: Though apparently not in this one. RORY: Good. [rings doorbell] [Emily answers the door] EMILY: We're going to have to eat quickly, your father has a very early flight tomorrow morning. [walks away] LORELAI: Oh, I'm good. Yeah, and Rory's gonna build a house tomorrow. I know, I thought it was a little weird too. EMILY: Walk as you babble please. LORELAI: [to Rory] Somebody must have scratched the silver. [walk to dining room] EMILY: [to maid] Bring the bread out too. And pour the wine please. [to L/R] Come on, hurry up. LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause we don't want our salad to get cold. EMILY: Richard, dinner! LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Eat eat. LORELAI: Shouldn't we wait for Dad? EMILY: Don't worry about him. LORELAI: He's the one with the early plane. We don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. We can stay all night. Have a party, do some Jell-O shots, play light as a feather, stiff as a board. Okay, pass the bread. RORY: Grandma, would you like some. . . EMILY: Yes please. RICHARD: You started. EMILY: You have a six o'clock flight. RICHARD: Six o'clock, are you sure? EMILY: What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure. I double-checked it three times with your secretary because I know she's an idiot and all three times she told me six o'clock. I wrote it down, I have your ticket right out on the. . . You're teasing me. RICHARD: Very possible. EMILY: I don't find that amusing, Richard. RICHARD: Exactly the point of teasing, Emily. Hello Lorelai. LORELAI: Hello Father. RICHARD: Rory. RORY: Grandpa. RICHARD: May I speak with you for a moment, please? RORY: Okay. [Richard and Rory leave the room.] LORELAI: Hmm, I wonder what that's all about. I guess we'll find out later, right? Hey, whatever happened to Shusha? CUT TO BACK PATIO RICHARD: I just thought we should touch base, you and I, after that unfortunate incident last week. RORY: Grandpa, you already called me about that. RICHARD: Yes, I know, but I thought taking a moment to once again say to you in person, how. . . RORY: I know, and I appreciate it. RICHARD: We'd never had a fight. RORY: No. RICHARD: This was our first one. RORY: Yes it was. RICHARD: And I must say, I didn't care for it. RORY: Neither did I. RICHARD: Well, all right. We should go back inside. We're find now, right? RORY: We're fine. Buck up, Private. RICHARD: Oh wait, I wanted to give you something. RORY: What? RICHARD: Come on, come on. [they walk past the dining room] LORELAI: Hey, where you guys going? RICHARD: We'll be right there. LORELAI: Well, hurry, 'cause you're missing one hell of a conversation. You know, Mom, I'm really loving this salad dressing. EMILY: I'm glad. LORELAI: Lemony. EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: There's nothing like a nice salad of lemony goodness. [pause] Mom? EMILY: Hmm? LORELAI: I have something to tell you. EMILY: Yes? LORELAI: Well it's like this. Um, . . .could you put down your fork for a second? Thank you. Okay, um, you know Max? EMILY: No, I don't. LORELAI: Okay, I know you don't know him know him, but you know of him, right? EMILY: I've heard rumblings. LORELAI: Okay, well, um, the. . .Max and I have been serious for quite awhile now, and he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I'm getting married. EMILY: Well, I think that's very nice. I certainly hope we'll be in town for it, but if not I promise we'll send a nice gift. Now excuse me, I'm going to check on the roast. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are walking towards Luke's.] RORY: Are you okay? LORELAI: I'm perfect. RORY: Really? LORELAI: I have hit a level of perfection that has rarely been seen outside the Victoria's Secret catalog. RORY: I'm really sorry. LORELAI: Aww, do not be sorry. What happened tonight was inevitable. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I should've known not to tell my mother. RORY: You were trying to be nice. LORELAI: Telling her I was getting married to a wonderful guy who will love me and make me happy. That, and giving her my address when I finally moved out, two worst moves I ever made. RORY: Maybe she'll think about it and call you and say she's sorry. LORELAI: Mom, I'm getting married. I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it!' But did my mouth listen? RORY: No. LORELAI: No! And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again. RORY: Your mouth has a nose? [they walk into Luke's Diner] LORELAI: God, I'm crabby. RORY: You're hungry. LORELAI: No I'm not. RORY: Well you didn't eat any of your dinner. LORELAI: Yeah, well, by the time I could get my jaw off the ground, Speed Racer had taken my plate. RORY: Luke will cheer you up, won't you Luke? LUKE: Oh sure, I'm great at spreading the joy. What'll you have? RORY: We'll have two coffees and a rant meal please. Extra cheese. LORELAI: No. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I'm through ranting, the rant is over. I'll have an acceptance meal and a side of fries. RORY: Please, you have not accepted this. LORELAI: I am a grown woman. I do not need my mother's permission or blessing to be happy. LUKE: Must've been a good Oprah today. LORELAI: Just a little family drama. No biggie. RORY: It's a little biggie. LUKE: Yeah, what's going on? LORELAI: I told my mother about me getting married and it was slightly ugly. LUKE: Yup. LORELAI: Yup, what? LUKE: Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family. LORELAI: Actually, in my case, there's nothing like a family to screw up a family. LUKE: Something that's supposed to start nice, two people making promises to each other. I'll love you forever, I wanna die when you die, my life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush. And then it starts. LORELAI: Well, that's not exactly. . LUKE: Who do you invite, who sits where, open bar, yes or no. . . LORELAI: Luke? LUKE: Auntie Junie doesn't eat chicken, Uncle Momo's off his meds. LORELAI: Junie and Momo? LUKE: Just an example. LORELAI: Of a retired circus couple? LUKE: And then after all that planning, the reception will still be a disaster because no matter what you do or how carefully you plan, halfway through one of those nauseating Bette Midler ballads, someone's getting drunk, someone's sleeping with someone else's wife, and someone's chicken kiev is landing on the cake. LORELAI: You know, the Gettysburg Address was only one page long, and that was about a war. LUKE: I just call them like I seem them. LORELAI: I have officially changed my order. I'll have the 'Luke's giving Lorelai a Migraine' meal. LUKE: Bleu cheese or ranch? LORELAI: Both. LUKE: Coming right up. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is in the kitchen pouring coffee as Rory comes out of her room.] RORY: Time? LORELAI: 8:30. RORY: I'm late. LORELAI: Hold on, coffee! RORY: Thanks. I'll see you tonight. LORELAI: Wait, one sec. RORY: Mom, I have to be there in twenty minutes. LORELAI: I know, but I made you something really cool. RORY: Can't it wait 'til tonight? LORELAI: It won't be cool tonight. RORY: What do you mean it won't be cool tonight? What loses its cool factor in twelve hours? LORELAI: This. [holds up a hammer decorated in pink] RORY: What is that? LORELAI: A hammer. RORY: It has feathers on it. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Why? LORELAI: So the rhinestones and bows won't feel lonely. RORY: What do you want me to do it? LORELAI: Build a really pretty house. RORY: How long is it gonna take me to talk you out of giving that to me? LORELAI: Forty minutes, an hour, tops. RORY: Hand it over. LORELAI: Call me when you get home, and please be careful. RORY: I will. LORELAI: I mean it Timmy, no falling down the well. RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Rory opens front door. Lane is standing there with several boxes] RORY: Oh, geez, you scared me. LANE: Sorry. Where you going? RORY: I'm doing that Rebuilding Together thing today. LANE: Right. I'll be fast. [brings in the boxes] Okay. Here's my CD's, my 'zines, my posters, my books, three of your sweaters, and one Diva Glam lipstick. I need to leave them here while I'm in Korea because my mother's bound to search my room and if she finds them, she'll throw them out. And then spend the rest of the summer praying for my soul. RORY: I'll treat them like my own. LANE: Okay, now. This is the Lane Kim retrieval kit. It contains the phone number of my cousins in Korea, a map of the house I'll be staying at, a picture of me now, and a mock-up of me in 6 months. RORY: You've lost some weight. LANE: Now this is that name of that guy at the American Consulate, and several important Korean phrases written out phonetically, you know, 'Help', 'Have you seen this girl,' 'Comes from money', et cetera. RORY: Still no return date info from the parents? LANE: Nope, but they did buy me a winter coat. RORY: When are you going? LANE: Right after your mom's engagement par... RORY: Shhhh! LANE: Do you think she heard me? RORY: I don't think so. No, she'd be in here grilling us for details if she had. LANE: She wouldn't have pretended not to have heard so she wouldn't kill the surprise? RORY: And risk clashing with the decor? LANE: Right. Okay, I gotta go. RORY: Hey, Henry? LANE: Called him. RORY: And? LANE: He likes me. He's perfect. I'll never see him again. You'll read about it in my novel, A Connecticut Yankee in Pusan. [leaves] CUT TO FRONT YARD [Rory walks out the front door as Dean walks up to the house.] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hi. DEAN: Where you going? RORY: I have to build a house. DEAN: Okay, so where you going? RORY: I'm serious. DEAN: You're going to build a house? RORY: It's for charity and I'm late, and why don't you go on inside and you and my mother can continue the 'Rory's building a house' routine and when that gets boring you can move on over to 'Who's on First?' DEAN: Well, how long are you gonna be gone? RORY: I don't know, why? DEAN: I just thought we could hang today. Maybe see a movie, get something to eat. We could go to a bookstore, I'll watch you browse for six or seven hours. RORY: I would love to but I have to do this thing today. DEAN: Blow it off. RORY: I can't. DEAN: Did I mention the bookstore for six or seven hours? RORY: How about tonight? We can get a pizza and go on Amazon. You'll be just as bored watching me ordering books, I promise. DEAN: Deal. RORY: Good, I have to go. CUT TO CONSTRUCTION SITE [Rory taps on a man's shoulder while he's sawing a piece of wood.] RORY: Excuse me. MAN: Hey, you're touching a man with a saw. You don't touch a man with a saw. What are you thinking? RORY: I'm sorry. MAN: I could've hurt myself. I could've hurt you. There's a ton of hurt that almost happened here. RORY: I really am sorry. I've never been on a job site before. It's nice. MAN: Okay, where you from? RORY: Chilton. My name. . . MAN: Come on Chilton. RORY: No, it's Rory. Chilton's my school. MAN: You got a hammer? RORY: Oh, yes, sir. MAN: Where is it? [Rory takes out the decorated hammer and shows him] RORY: It's a real hammer underneath. MAN: That's a hammer? RORY: Well, it's just dressed up a little. MAN: You dressed up a hammer? RORY: No, my mother did. She does that. She, um, she takes thinks that aren't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles. A clown, a cowboy, a newscaster. She's not insane, she just sounds it. MAN: Okay. Work here. Wear these. Don't look up, pay attention to your surroundings, the words duck or run mean duck or run. Wear sunscreen, drunk water, get a button on the way out. RORY: That's it? That's the instructions? MAN: Yup. RORY: But I've never done this before. MAN: Well, tomorrow you won't be able to say that. RORY: But people actually have to live in these houses. They may have kids or pets or breakables. MAN: If you get in trouble, ask the person next to you. ANOTHER MAN: Uh look out! [Rory jumps back as a piece of wood falls next to her.] MAN: Hey, you learn fast. I didn't even mention that one. [walks away] [Rory starts to hammer a nail.] PARIS: This is my wall. RORY: What? PARIS: I've been working here. I put together this entire wall. Go work someplace else. RORY: You put together this wall? PARIS: Go help with cement. RORY: It's very impressive. PARIS: I've done it a million times before. It's no big deal. Louise! What did I just tell you, use a grub axe for that! LOUISE: Bite me! RORY: Funny. I never pictured you as a Bob Vila kind of girl. PARIS: Rebuilding Together is an extremely prestigious and respected organization. I've been volunteering for them for years. RORY: Really? You just love the overalls? PARIS: I don't. Harvard does. RORY: What does that mean? PARIS: When you apply to an ivy league school, you need more than good grades and test scores to get you in. Every person who applies to Harvard has a perfect GPA and great test scores. It's the extras that put you over the top. The clubs, charities, volunteering. You know. RORY: Oh yeah, I know. PARIS: I started volunteering in fourth grade. I handed out cookies at the local children's hospital. By ten, I was leading my first study group. The youngest person in the group was twelve. RORY: Wow. PARIS: I've been a camp counselor. I organized a senior illiteracy program, I worked a suicide hotline, I manned a runaway center. I've adopted dolphins, taught sign language, trained seeing eye dogs. RORY: But when did you have time to have a life? PARIS: I'll have a life after I graduate from Harvard. Now if you'll excuse me, the drainage on the south side of this place sucks. MADELINE: Hi! PARIS: Madeline! MADELINE: Bye! CUT TO STARS HOLLOW BUSSTOP [Dean is waiting on the bench as Rory steps off the bus.] DEAN: Hey. You look good in dirt. RORY: Dean, hi. DEAN: So how was it? RORY: Long day. Long long day. DEAN: The day is over. Let's talk about the night. Uh, there's a 7:30 showing of Barbarella, and I thought you can bring your mom's purse, you know the one with that monkey face and we'll sneak in some burgers and. . . what? RORY: I can't. DEAN: Get your mom's purse? RORY: I can't do anything tonight. DEAN: Why not? RORY: Because I have a lot of planning to do. DEAN: What planning? RORY: I'm like ten years behind on my extracurriculars. DEAN: What are you talking about? RORY: Paris has been accumulating these things since she could walk. I mean, she has a list of good deeds that could bump Mother Teresa off the Harvard list. DEAN: Okay, I'm lost. RORY: I've been studying my butt off my whole life and I really thought that that was enough, but then Paris tells me that everyone makes good grades and it's the extras that put you over the top. And I thought that she was messing with me like she always does, but she's right. I mean, it makes total sense. DEAN: What does? RORY: Good grades aren't enough. I need to do things. I need to volunteer. I need to work for charity, I need to help the blind, the orphans, I don't know. I just need to do something. DEAN: Fine, but what does this have to do with tonight? RORY: I need to start now. DEAN: Now? You have to help the blind and the orphans now? RORY: Didn't I tell you that I was ten years behind? DEAN: Well you can't make up for ten years in one night Rory. RORY: I know. I just need to get organized. DEAN: Well, Rory, it's summer. I mean, summer's the time to hang out and kick back. RORY: I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball. Oh God, listen to me. I am horrible. I am under qualified and horrible. DEAN: Wait a minute. I thought we were gonna spend some time together. RORY: We are. DEAN: When? RORY: I don't know. Tomorrow maybe? DEAN: You were busy today. RORY: I told you. . . DEAN: So we made plans for tonight. RORY: Yes but. . . DEAN: And now you're blowing me off again. RORY: I am not blowing you off. DEAN: You're going to summer school three days a week. RORY: You knew about that. DEAN: Yes, but we've been apart for awhile now and I figured you'd want to spend some time with me. RORY: Dean, this is about Harvard. DEAN: Oh, well excuse me, it's about Harvard, I forgot. Okay, fine. RORY: You're mad? You're mad because I want to be sure that I get into a good college? DEAN: Nope, I'm mad because my girlfriend doesn't seem to have time for me anymore. RORY: Dean, stop it. This is important. DEAN: And it can't wait for one night? RORY: No. DEAN: Fine. RORY: Why are you acting like this? DEAN: Like what? RORY: Like you're two. DEAN: Hey, I'm not going to Harvard, I could care less about Harvard. I just wanted to hang with you. But relax, since apparently I'm two, maybe I'll just grow out of it. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Rory's sitting at the kitchen table as Lorelai walks into the kitchen.] LORELAI: Okay, I'm officially way too tired to go out tonight so I'm not trusting my accessorizing instincts. Tell me what you think. RORY: I have no wilderness skills. LORELAI: So you hate the purse? RORY: How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills? LORELAI: I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in logging. RORY: I called the Fireflies. Do they need troop leaders? Yes. Good, I'll be a troop leader. Great. The only catch is, it's summer. Camping season. I need wilderness skills. Why did you never take me camping? LORELAI: Camping? Are you kidding? I couldn't get you to step on wet grass until you were three. RORY: If you had taken me camping, I'd have wilderness skills. LORELAI: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll take you upstairs. I'll throw you out the window. If you manage to grab that tree, I'll be your witness. RORY: I called the Sunnyside Home. Do they need any volunteers? And believe it or not, they don't, but they do need an accordion player for their Friday night polka party. LORELAI: How come I never forced you to learn the accordion? RORY: The library was closed. I can call them tomorrow, but they only have twelve books so I'm not counting on that. The tutoring program at Chilton is still taking names. I guess I can do that but LORELAI: Honey, calm down. RORY: I'm not prepared. I will never catch up. LORELAI: You will catch up, but not in one night. You've made your lists and your calls, why don't you relax and call Dean to come over? RORY: We're in a fight. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because you never took me camping. LORELAI: Oh boy, I am really sucking tonight. RORY: We were supposed to hang out and I told him I couldn't and he got made and we're in a fight. LORELAI: Ugh. Well, listen, why don't I cancel on Max tonight and I'll hang out here with you. We can make popcorn and reminisce about how I never forced you to become a missionary. RORY: No, go, I'm fine. I just need to focus on this. LORELAI: Well, I can help. RORY: No, I need to do this alone. LORELAI: Are you sure? RORY: I'm sure. LORELAI: Okay, well, I'm not gonna be home late. And listen, I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else. RORY: Bye Mom. LORELAI: I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over. RORY: Time is ticking. LORELAI: Rory, I love you Rory. Rory, I will not be ignored Rory RORY: Leave. LORELAI: Okay, I'll be home early. Bye. CUT TO RESTAURANT [Max and Lorelai are eating dinner outside.] MAX: You hate your dinner. LORELAI: No I don't. MAX: You've hardly touched it. LORELAI: Well, when somebody goes to all the trouble to make your entrée look like a little tiny hat, you hate to mess it up. MAX: Is something wrong? LORELAI: No. MAX: You can tell me. That's what I'm here for. LORELAI: I thought it was just for eye candy. MAX: That too. LORELAI: I'm fine. It's just stuff, ya know. Rory's freaking out about not having enough extracurricular things to impress Harvard with. MAX: I can help her with that. LORELAI: I'm sure she would greatly appreciate it. MAX: Is that all that's wrong? LORELAI: Yeah, just a lot of stuff to think about, you know, for the wedding. MAX: I forget to tell you, I saw my parents today. They just wanted me to tell you how thrilled they are. My mother cried twice. She said you don't have to call her mom but you're welcome to if you want. LORELAI: Really? MAX: And then my father took me aside and gave me a long talk about marriage and the many ways of making a wife happy. LORELAI: Ooh, a dirty talk. MAX: Then they gave me this. [holds out a check] LORELAI: No they did not. MAX: Yes they did too. LORELAI: Ah, did you tell them that we're paying for everything ourselves? MAX: I did. LORELAI: Sookie's doing the cake, the ceremony's at my house, Patty's supplying the chairs thirty five dollars? MAX: It's the first of four installments. That way we can't spend it all in one place. LORELAI: Oh, that is so cute! MAX: They just want to be involved. LORELAI: That's sweet, that's really sweet. Can I. . .thanks. MAX: Oh, and my mother even offered you her wedding dress. LORELAI: Huh. MAX: But since three of you could fit into that dress I took the liberty of declining it. LORELAI: Oh, I hope she wasn't insulted. MAX: No, I just told her you were wearing your mother's dress. LORELAI: Ah. MAX: It doesn't matter whether you are or not, she just wanted to offer something. LORELAI: Let's get dessert. MAX: You okay? LORELAI: I just think it's great. I think it's great that your parents are so happy and into everything. I. .that must be nice to have that. MAX: Well, why don't you think of it this way? Now they're kind of your parents too so you'll have that also. LORELAI: Yes, I will think of it like that. That is exactly how I will think of it. MAX: Good. LORELAI: Because otherwise, I'd have to look at it like Max has parents who love him and care about him, and I have parents. MAX: I didn't mean to upset you. LORELAI: I'm not upset. It's just, I can't get that one moment out of my mind. 'That's nice, I hope we're in town.' Who, who, who reacts like that? I mean, what sort of mind forms that reaction to 'Hey mom, I'm getting married'? MAX: Well, from everything you've told me about your parents, there's so much baggage between you guys LORELAI: You figure out a different way. You tap into compassion or family obligation or something. You don't react like that. MAX: I agree. It's wrong. But you can't change who they are, and you won't get anywhere trying to. LORELAI: Okay, you know what? I don't want to talk about my parents anymore. Okay, I don't want to speculate about them, I don't want to analyze them, I don't want to think about them anymore. We should go. MAX: Come on, it' still early. We'll go someplace else. Talk a little bit more? LORELAI: Yes. Absolutely. Sounds good. CUT TO INSIDE MAX'S CAR MAX: Listen, I'm sorry tonight brought up all these bad feelings for you. LORELAI: That's okay. Make a right. MAX: But I bet this was harder for your mother then you think it is. LORELAI: Uh huh. MAX: I mean, look what's happened to her over the last year. She was just getting back into your life, and suddenly, everything changes on her. LORELAI: Yeah, that's gotta suck. Go right. MAX: You know, maybe once we get married, things will settle down, you two will be able to work it out. I mean, you never know, I might be able to help the situation, ya know, uh, act as a buffer or so. LORELAI: That's a good thought, good thought. Pull Pull in here. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Max pull up out front and walk to the front door.] MAX: Lorelai, hold on, ya know, I think I know what's going on here, and I gotta tell you, it's not a good idea. LORELAI: This'll just take a second. [rings doorbell several times] MAX: I don't know, maybe you should wait until tomorrow, calm down a little, think this through, maybe you'll be able to be more objective. LORELAI: You are not asleep. Come on! MAX: You are way too emotional for this. LORELAI: No, I'm just emotional enough. Now if you like you can wait in the car because I really don't plan on being here that long. [Emily opens the front door] EMILY: What on earth? LORELAI: Hi mom, do you have a sec to chat? Super. [Lorelai walks inside, Max waits inside by the door] EMILY: Lorelai, what is this? LORELAI: I just wanted to see how you were, that's all. EMILY: I'm fine. LORELAI: You are? Oh good, good. I'm glad that you're fine. I, however, am not fine. EMILY: Your father and I were just about to go to bed. We can do this in the morning. LORELAI: Actually Mom, no. We can't do this in the morning. We really need to do this right now. EMILY: Are you drunk? LORELAI: No, I'm not drunk. I'm confused. EMILY: About what? LORELAI: About you. EMILY: And what about me confuses you Lorelai? LORELAI: Well, so many things. I mean, for example, why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean, there must've been a thousand women who've gone through here in the thirty-two years that I've been alive, and not one of them could stick it out. EMILY: And this is what we need to discuss right now? LORELAI: These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but five minutes working for Emily Gilmore, and people are begging for Castro. EMILY: All right, I'm going to bed now. LORELAI: And why is it that when your only daughter tells you that she is getting married, you can't muster up even a little enthusiasm? Even a little fake enthusiasm. Why don't you pretend that you care? I mean, this is the biggest thing to happen to me possibly for the rest of my life, and you dismissed it like I said, 'Hey, I'm thinking of getting a Honda, what do you think?' EMILY: You're obviously hysterical! LORELAI: Why don't you care? Why have you never cared? No matter what has happened to me my entire life, you've never been happy for me, and that hurts, Mom, it really hurts! EMILY: I'm not discussing this with you. LORELAI: Do you know how it felt for me to tell you that I was getting married and to have you just brush it off like that? Do you know? EMILY: No, I don't, I don't know! Possibly very similar to finding out from a complete stranger that my only daughter was getting married and had told every other person in the world before she bothered to tell her own mother. Possibly it felt something like that. Now if you'll excuse me, it is late, and I am going to bed. [opens the front door, Lorelai walks out] MAX: Um, my parents would really like to have lunch with you and Mr. Gilmore, sometime. . . soon. Nice meeting you. [leaves] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Sookie and Michel are at the front desk.] MICHEL: I don't care. SOOKIE: I just need a quick opinion. MICHEL: It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care. That's as quick as I get. SOOKIE: This Lorelai's engagement party. It is a once in a lifetime event, and I want it to be perfect. MICHEL: I am working. SOOKIE: Just pick a cookie. MICHEL: I don't want to. SOOKIE: Michel, for the rest of their lives, Lorelai and Max are gonna think back on their engagement party and they're gonna talk about three things. They're gonna talk about the friends who came, and that special song they danced to, and the cookies that they ate. MICHEL: Their world is very small, isn't it? SOOKIE: Macaroons or chocolate pralines? MICHEL: Go back to the cooking room. SOOKIE: Not until you eat these and tell me what you think! MICHEL: Sookie! I only eat fifteen hundred calories a day. If I eat that, I cannot have my Boca burger later. [Lorelai walks in.] LORELAI: Hey Sookie. Is there any coffee left? I had a really lousy night. SOOKIE: Oh, sorry, ya know, I've been so busy I didn't even think about it. LORELAI: Oh, that's okay. I'll make some myself. SOOKIE: No! I'll make it! I'll make it! I wanna make it! I wanna make it! Let me do it! I wanna make hey, I make the coffee! LORELAI: Sookie, relax, you're busy. SOOKIE: No, I'm not. Go back to the counter. Michel's stealing. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Lorelai and Sookie walk through the door. The kitchen is filled with decorated cakes and baked goods.] LORELAI: Oh my god. What is this? SOOKIE: Uh, the dinner special? LORELAI: The dinner special is a heart shaped pastry with Max and Lorelai written on it? SOOKIE: I couldn't find any good salmon. LORELAI: Oh Sookie, you're throwing me a wedding shower, aren't you? SOOKIE: It was supposed to be a surprise. LORELAI: Oh my God, this is amazing, Sookie, even for you. SOOKIE: Wait 'til you see the ice sculptures! LORELAI: When is it? SOOKIE: Tonight. LORELAI: Uh, so your yen to hit the bingo parlor in Enfield was. . . SOOKIE: A vicious vicious lie. LORELAI: This is incredible. This is really really incredible. My God, is there any pink icing left on the planet? SOOKIE: The whole town is in on it actually. It's gonna be quite the affair. I think you'll be sufficiently impressed with the amount of people that wanna celebrate this with you. LORELAI: Michel? SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: Right. I, I just, I can't get over this. Ugh. Hey, you didn't by any chance invite my parents, did you? SOOKIE: Actually, I did. LORELAI: Oh. SOOKIE: And at first, I was really torn because I know you have issues with them, but it is your wedding and I assumed you wanted them to be there. Oh no, your mother told you. LORELAI: Sort of. SOOKIE: Damn, I thought I mentioned that it was a surprise. I don't know, maybe I didn't. It would be so typical of me. Uh, the cat's already out of the bag, and I'm stuffing imported chocolate squares down my shirt so you don't see me walk into the kitchen with them. Hey, did your mother mention if they were coming? She never got back to me. LORELAI: Uh, yeah, no, um, she's got a thing tonight. SOOKIE: Oh, too bad. Hey, we can save her a piece of cake. LORELAI: That would be nice. CUT TO ENGAGEMENT PARTY [In the center of a very decorated Stars Hollow, people are celebrating as Lorelai and Max sit surrounded by presents.] KIRK: [on bullhorn] Attention guests, the buffet line is clogging at sector B. I repeat, sector B is moving too slow. Keep it moving people. [Rory walks up to the table where Lane is in charge of the party music.] RORY: Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on. LANE: How's it sound? RORY: Great. LANE: I'm trying to find that subtle blend between not too cliché sounding traditional tunes with out of left field, should be standard. RORY: Well, the Sinatra medley was great. I'd maybe skipped playing anything else by The Damned. LANE: Got it. What time is it? RORY: It's eight. What time do you leave? LANE: I have a 10 o'clock flight. RORY: Have I told you how much I'm gonna miss you? LANE: Write me. Constantly. RORY: Everyday. LANE: Encouraging letters full of hope and see you soons. RORY: I'll be tying yellow ribbons around the old oak trees. LANE: I will be back for the wedding. RORY: You better be. LANE: Just don't let her change the date. RORY: Not going to happen. Max is teaching a summer course at the University of Toronto, so if you're back by the end of the summer, it'll be fine. LANE: Don't say if. RORY: Right. [Cut to Lorelai and Max] MAX: I don't know if you've realized, but every gift so far has been for you. LORELAI: Yes, well, in this town, I am the queen. You are simply my jester. MAX: A position I happily accept. LORELAI: Aw, so come on then. How can you stand to leave all this for two months? Do you think Toronto's gonna make you into an ice sculpture? I don't think so. MAX: I wish you'd come with me. LORELAI: I have to work. MAX: Well, two months is a long time. LORELAI: I know. MAX: Will you still want me when I got back? LORELAI: I think there's a very good possibility that I will be just as infatuated with you then as I am now. MAX: Maybe more. LORELAI: Maybe more. [cut to the gazebo, where young girls dressed as brides gather to perform a dance.] MISS PATTY: Oh, come on ladies, hurry up. Love waits for no one. Lucy, get off of Jenny's train! All right, bouquets up, and music! [the girls start dancing. Kirk watches them as Rory walks over to him.] RORY: How come you're not up there Kirk? KIRK: Oh, I don't tap anymore. Bum knees. RORY: Ah. KIRK: I have to tell you, I'm a little worried about this gazebo holding up all those hoofers. They never did a trial run like I requested. RORY: Oh, I think it's okay. The studs are definitely sound, and the two by fours are a nice number two structural grade. Or better possibly. I built a house yesterday. KIRK: Oh, for Pete's sake! [on bullhorn] No tossing of the Jordan almonds. I repeat, put the almonds down! [Kirk walks away as Dean walks over.] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hey. DEAN: This is quite a party. RORY: Elegant and understated, just like my mother. DEAN: So, uh, how are you? RORY: I'm fine, how are you? DEAN: Me? Uh, I'm an idiot. RORY: No you're not. DEAN: I'm so sorry Rory. RORY: I'm sorry too. DEAN: I don't even know what happened. RORY: We had a fight, that's all. DEAN: I mean, I've just missed you and RORY: I've missed you too. DEAN: I got I don't know, I got jealous of Harvard for a minute, which is crazy 'cause I love the fact that you're gonna go to Harvard. And then you have to do something that's gonna help you get there, and I I don't even, I don't even really understand it myself. RORY: Well, I didn't help. I was all wigged out when I got home. DEAN: Well, you had all the right to be. RORY: It's just that when it comes to Harvard, I sometimes get a little tunnel vision, and it's getting closer DEAN: Whoa. RORY: and I have to think about it DEAN: You do not have to explain. RORY: But I don't want you to feel unimportant, because believe me, you're not. DEAN: I'm glad. RORY: I mean it. The only way you could be more important to me is if you had a Kit Kat bar growing out of your head. DEAN: Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll give it a try. RORY: I'm sorry. DEAN: Don't be. I mean, I'm not going to a fancy school. I don't have that kind of pressure. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. RORY: You could go to a fancy school if you wanted to. DEAN: I don't think so. RORY: Why not? You're smart. DEAN: No, you're smart. RORY: You are too. DEAN: Rory. RORY: And I could help you organize all of your extracurricular activities because I'm now an expert at it. DEAN: I don't RORY: How are your wilderness skills? DEAN: Hey? RORY: What? DEAN: Do you accept my apology? RORY: Yeah, I accept your apology. [cut to Lorelai and Max] MAX: You okay? LORELAI: Yeah. You know, I'll just um, I'll be right back. MAX: Okay. [cut to Kirk] KIRK: [on bullhorn] Only three treats per person. No hogging of the treats. If caught with more than three treats on a plate, you will be faced with possible expulsion from said party. LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Can I see that for a sec? KIRK: Oh, sure. LORELAI: Thanks. [walks away with bullhorn] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks in. Luke is at the counter filling up ketchup bottles.] LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey. Why aren't you at your party? LORELAI: Well that's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. LUKE: Ah, well, I just got kinda busy here. LORELAI: Oh, yes, I can see that. Boy they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh? LUKE: It's the Heinz family's little joke. LORELAI: Boy, it's really pretty crazy out there. LUKE: Oh, I can imagine. LORELAI: Lots of people all having fun, just the kind of thing you'd hate. LUKE: Sounds awful LORELAI: You'd be miserable. LUKE: Oh, yes I would. LORELAI: But in spite of all that, I was kind of thinking, and you don't have to, that maybe you could pull yourself away for a second. LUKE: Ah, well I LORELAI: I mean, you know, finish the ketchup tonight, but maybe leave the worchestshire sauce for tomorrow. LUKE: I'll see how it goes. LORELAI: Okay. I mean, it's just it's a really big night for me tonight, and I don't know, it just feels like you should be there. Anyway, I'll let you get back to your ketchup. [leaves] [cut to Sookie and Jackson at the party] SOOKIE: The macaroons are going like hot cakes! JACKSON: Yup, everything's a big success. SOOKIE: Look at all this, isn't it beautiful? I know it's cliché, but it is so romantic it makes you all giddy in a really sappy kind of way, doesn't it? JACKSON: Uh, sure, I guess. SOOKIE: I hope they're happy. Ugh, what am I saying? How can they not be happy? They're in love, they have each other, and everything's perfect JACKSON: Okay! I get it! SOOKIE: Jackson, what are you JACKSON: What do you think I need a piano to fall on my head? SOOKIE: Well, I don't think anybody actually needs a piano to fall on their head. JACKSON: All the marriage talk, and the, 'Oh Jackson, you should see Lorelai's ring, it's so beautiful.' SOOKIE: Well, it is. JACKSON: I understand. I'm hip, okay? We've hit that point in our relationship where the little hints are starting. Which means that'll be followed by the 'where are we going' talk, and that'll only end in a big ultimatum. Suddenly all hell breaks loose. SOOKIE: Okay, no more sugar for you. JACKSON: So, I think I need to say this right now. I'm not ready for marriage. SOOKIE: Okay. JACKSON: However, I'd be willing to move in. SOOKIE: Move in where? JACKSON: Move in with you. SOOKIE: [laughing] Jackson, you're hilarious! JACKSON: I am? SOOKIE: I'll move in with you. [laughs] What a riot! JACKSON: Why are you laughing? SOOKIE: [laughing] You're face! God, you're good. You are good. JACKSON: I wasn't joking. SOOKIE: [laughing] Come on, let's go get some punch. JACKSON: Sookie, I'm serious, I'm moving in. SOOKIE: [laughing] Jackson, stop, you're gonna give me a cramp! JACKSON: Sookie, get back here! [pan around the party to: Miss Patty dancing with Kirk, Rory and Dean sitting on a bench, Lane leaving for the airport, Lorelai and Max dancing, Luke coming to the party. Lorelai and Luke smile and wave at each other. Luke sits down on a bench next to three little girls dressed as brides, who all stare at him.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily sits at a table writing something as the doorbell rings.] EMILY: Marina, the door please. [the maid answers the door. Lorelai walks in.] LORELAI: Hey. Oh thanks. Hey mom. I was in the neighborhood, 'cause there's that wedding dress place on Willow. Elizabeth Taylor bought one of her dresses there. Anyhow, I was trying to make a decision about a veil, and I thought maybe you might have some opinion about which one would look best on me 'cause, well you know me, so um, I thought I'd stop by and ask you which one you thought would be good. On me. So, which one? EMILY: You're quite capable of choosing that yourself Lorelai. LORELAI: I'm sorry. EMILY: All right, you're sorry. LORELAI: I don't know how to tell you things Mom. Um, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but we don't communicate very well. When something good happens to me, I'm just afraid you're gonna make me feel bad about it. And when something bad happens to me, I'm always afraid you'll say 'I told you so.' I'm not sure if that's always fair, and I'm sure I share part of the blame for this circle we get into, but you think your words don't have any effect on me, but they do. And, I just didn't want to feel bad about this, so I waited. And I really didn't mean to hurt you. Okay, well, I will let you get back to that letter there. EMILY: Your head is much too big for a veil. You might consider a tiara. LORELAI: Um, a tiara? EMILY: That's what I wore. LORELAI: Oh. Okay. Well, I'll think about that. [leaves]

Plan: A: her parents; Q: Who is appalled that Lorelai didn't tell them about her engagement? A: Max; Q: Who is Lorelai engaged to? A: a surprise wedding shower; Q: What event did Sookie invite Lorelai and Rory to? A: the cold shoulder; Q: What do Lorelai's parents give her? A: Dean; Q: Who is Rory's boyfriend? A: paradise; Q: What is the word for a perfect place? A: hundreds; Q: How many other Harvard applicants are there? Summary: Lorelai avoids telling her parents about her engagement to Max, while Rory urges her to spill. But due to a call from Sookie asking them to come to a surprise wedding shower for the happy couple, they already know, and are appalled that Lorelai didn't tell them and so they give her the cold shoulder. Meanwhile, Rory and Dean are having trouble in paradise due to the fact that Rory suddenly becomes obsessed with finding enough extracurricular activities that will set her apart from the hundreds of other Harvard applicants.

(Pacey and Dawson are outside of Capeside High School.) Pacey: I'm gonna explode, man. I mean, my insides are gurgling. Who gurgles at 16 unless they're going to explode, huh Dawson: You're not going to explode Pacey: Really? How do you know that, huh? I mean, some guy in Norway blew up in the middle of a supermarket last year Dawson: Nervous anticipation doesn't cause spontaneous combustion Pacey: Who said I was nervous Dawson: It's natural that you're nervous, man, you see Andie in what? Less than six hours Pacey: Five hours, twenty minutes if the traffic's right. (Holds his stomach) I guess I'm a little nervous but what do you expect Dawson: Is your dad still letting you pick her up Pacey: Absolutely. This train cuts at lunch Dawson: Need some company Pacey: Actually, Joey's going to come with me. She wanted to see Andie and per our conversation last week- Dawson: Absolutely. Nobody welcomes a Potter-Witter détente more than me. I'm glad she has somebody. It'll only help as Joey and I weave our separate ways through these pathless woods we call life Pacey: Speaking of wood, Dawson, whatever happened with a certain busgirl Dawson: Don't ask. She vanished. Disappeared. Jonathan Krakauer-ed into thin air Pacey: You let her get away? Dawson: I had a slightly irate father to answer to, Pacey. It's my life, you know Pacey: So what's happened since Dawson: With Eve? I haven't been able to find her Pacey: Did you check down at the strip joint Dawson: Embarrassingly, yes. Turns out she doesn't even work there anymore. She was a temp Pacey: Strip joints have temps (By now, Dawson and Pacey have entered the school and are walking down a hallway.) Dawson: The only information I have about her is her first name and who knows if that's for real Pacey: Well, that's too bad, Dawson because Eve was the ultimate transitional woman Dawson: How do you figure Pacey: Well, you are coming off of a emotionally traumatic, life-altering relationship and the last thing you need to do is get emotionally involved again, right? But since you are a young, virile, increasingly buff teenage male, you have certain wants and desires. Enter Eve. A gift from the gods of rebound high. A curvaceous vixen who is meant for you to be explored in only a sexual manner.. (An arm reaches out and pulls Dawson into a closet, yet remaining unnoticed by Pacey who continues to walk caught up in his speech.) Pacey: ...a femme fatale who's entire genetic coding screams objectify me. I'm telling you, Dawson, if you ever find her again, do not let her out of your sight (Pacey turns around to look at Dawson, finding he's nowhere to be found.) Pacey: Dawson (Cut to Dawson and Eve making out in a janitor's closet. They pull away.) Dawson: Eve Eve: Morning, Dawson. Welcome to school (Cue opening credits. Cut back to Dawson and Eve in the janitor's closet.) Dawson: What are you doing here Eve: At eleven I'm popping out of a cake for Mr. Sax in AP History. (pauses) Duh, I'm, like, a student Dawson: You are not Eve: What? You've never seen a senior girl up close before Dawson: I've seen plenty of senior girls but none of them look like you. Plus, you must be at least- Eve: Watch it Dawson: ...Older than I am Eve: I thought you'd be more excited about my sudden appearance Dawson: I am excited. It's just they're usually followed by an equally sudden disappearance. I mean, Who are you, Eve? First you're this stunning passenger on my bus, striking up conversation, then you're wearing a wig, serving cocktails at the strip club -- now you're a senior at my high school Eve: You've got it all wrong, Dawson. I'm none of those things. I'm just a girl...standing in a janitor's closet...asking you to kiss her (They start kissing then the bell rings.) Eve: Late for bio. See ya (She leaves and Dawson tries to follow after her, tripping over a mop.) Dawson: Wait! Can I get a last name this time (He stumbles out of the closet right into Principal Green and his father.) Mitch: Hey! It's 'Leery' but you can call me 'Dad.' The principal and I were just talking about you. We are in need of an honest student Dawson: Okay Principal: The pep rally is tomorrow and in our view's a critical event in setting the home for this football season Mitch: And in light of the Minutemen having such bad luck the past few years and in light of me being the coach- Principal: We thought we would revolutionize this. Set this pep rally apart from all the other ones Mitch: So what do you think Dawson: Sounds good Principal: I'll need your help. I'll see you in my office at three Dawson: Wait, but Mitch: Very wise of you to help out, son, in light of the fact that you owe me (They walk away leaving Dawson in the halls.) Dawson: This is so not my day (Cut to Grams, Jack, and Mr. McPhee on Grams' porch.) Mr.McPhee: I can't thank you enough Grams: After a year with Jennifer, having Jack was like boarding Saint Francis Jack: When does Andie get in Mr.McPhee: Tonight. Pacey wanted to surprise her and bring her home early Grams: She's made a full recovery, then Mr.McPhee: That's what the doctors say, but they like to remind you that with mental illness, you're never out of the woods Grams: Well, you've given her an excellent chance by moving your business this way so that she can stay in Capeside Jack: Yeah, about that, Dad. I was wondering if we could wait til the weekend to move all my stuff back into the house... Mr.McPhee: Actually, that's what I've come to talk to you about Grams: Why don't I leave you two alone (She leaves.) Mr.McPhee: I was...thinking...that perhaps....it would be better for you to stay here for awhile...as long as it's alright for Mrs. Ryan.. Jack: You don't want me home Mr.McPhee: You have a situation that works for you. I don't think it's wise to disturb that Jack: What you mean is that you have a situation that works for you.. Mr.McPhee: The changes that you are going to make in your life now, the changes you have every right to make, would be too difficult with me around Jack: Why can't you just admit that you're afraid? You can't deal with having a gay son and me doing that around would be just that Mr.McPhee: Must you assume that every decision I make is based upon my lack of character Jack: No, just the ones that concern me. Well, since this is still my home I suggest that you leave (Cut to Pacey at psychiactric facility Andie has been all summer. He's talking to the nurse at the front desk.) Nurse: Andie McPhee is scheduled to be released tomorrow not today Pacey: That's why it's a surprise Nurse: We try to avoid surprises. The only way she leaves today is with her own written consent Pacey: Which I will get if you let me walk in through the door and talk to her Nurse: And that will be tomorrow at 9am when visiting hours resume and not a minute earlier Pacey: You've gotta be kidding me Nurse: Does this look like a face that kids (Cut to Pacey walking towards Joey sitting on the truck.) Pacey: This is ridiculous Joey: What happened Pacey: Well, the clinic doesn't allow visitors after hours so subsequently I can't talk to Andie subsequently I can't get her permission to take her home (Joey nods. Then holds out her hand motioning for Pacey to grab it and help her down.) Pacey: What Joey: Follow me (Cut to Joey talking to the Nurse.) Joey: You don't understand. I have to see a doctor immediately Nurse: This is a private care facility. Unless it is a medical emergency, we do not take walk-ins Joey: This is a moral injustice -- I have psychiatric concerns Nurse: Well, obviously Joey: Fine, if that's the way it is, then you'll just have to do Nurse: Excuse me (Joey moves her stuff and sits up on her desk, leaning against a wall.) Joey: Well, somebody's got to listen to me. I've had a tough life, lady and I have a lot to talk about. It all started when I fell in love with this boy down the creek, that was after my mother died of cancer but before my father went to jail for the second time. (With her other hand, she motions Pacey to crawl by the receptionist) The boy's name was Dawson. He was your typical, overanalytical, adorable teenager who happened to be my best friend.. (Cut to Dawson sitting in Principal Green's office.) Dawson: That's propaganda Principal: In a word, yes. But it's the only choice we have of getting people into those seats. Listen, all I need right now is for someone to recut this footage and put it into some kind of promotional film for tomorrow. Now, your father says that you're the man for the job Dawson: Footage of what Principal: Our Minutemen. Fieldish champions of the turf. Ambassadors of the sport. Paragons of athletic prowlice Dawson: They haven't had a win in three years running Principal: Look, I know what the reality is, but the footage wouldn't emphasize what is, but what could be Dawson: The Leni Riefenstahl approach. You know, the Nazis did this too Principal: (sighs) Dawson, throughout history, film has been a very effective medium. Capra used film to get recruits for World War II, Annie Hall.. (Dawson loses interest as he notices Eve outside. The principal continues until Dawson interrupts.) Dawson: I'll do it, I'll do it -- can I go now (He grabs his books and stuff and runs out the door to catch up to Eve.) Eve: Slow down, Mr. Brown Dawson: I'm warning you -- this is the last time I'm going to chase you, I spent a year chasing after a woman and it's a very bad habit and I don't plan on getting into it again Eve: Oh, so you're one of those, are you Dawson: One of whom Eve: You know, one of those guys who spend the rest of their life comparing every relationship to their first one Dawson: That isn't--- not entirely true Eve: Oh, so you're completely over her Dawson: Over who Eve: Nice try -- the brunette it took you all of five minutes to bring up on the bus Dawson: Okay, I motion for a change of subject Eve: Motion denied. Are you or are you not over your ex-flame Dawson: Yes. I'm over her Eve: Nope. Don't buy it Dawson: Then why did you even ask Eve: To see if you'd be honest with me, you weren't. I like that Dawson: You like dishonesty? What else turns you on? Greed and corruption Eve: s*x. s*x turns me on, Dawson Dawson: It tends to do that to people Eve: And you would know...how Dawson: I'll choose to ignore that slight Eve: Maybe it wasn't a slight...maybe it was an invitation Dawson: What are you suggesting Eve: Only the obvious. A night of scorching hot, unbridled, mind-altering s*x Dawson: Just like that? No first date, no months of getting to know each other Eve: Those are small town rituals for small town girls. Face it, Dawson. We're hot for each other. It would be a lot of fun. Who knows? Maybe it'll even help you get over that certain brunette Dawson: You're on Eve: Good. Now I'll take care of the time and place...you just take care of being prepared Dawson: How do I find you in the meantime Eve: You don't find me, Dawson. I find you (She walks off.) Dawson: This is so my day (Cut to Pacey walking upstairs in search of Andie's room. He finds it and opens the door to reveal Andie laying on a bed talking to a guy in khakis, I believe his name is Marc.) Andie: Pacey, oh my God, what are you doing here (Pacey runs and picks her up.) Pacey: I came to surprise ya Andie: Yeah, okay! Yeah. (She notices Marc still there.) Oh, um, Pacey this is Marc, Marc this is a big surprise... (They shake hands and greet each other.) Andie: I thought my dad said he was going to pick me up tomorrow Pacey: Yeah, I know but we thought, well, I thought- (Andie shrugs it off and nervously laughs.) Marc: Well, it's dinner time. I'll come back.. Andie: Bye Marc Marc: We'll talk soon, though Andie: Yeah, we will (Marc leaves and Joey's in the doorway.) Joey: Andie Andie: Oh! Joey! You came, too Joey: Yeah, but if we don't leave soon they're going to make me stay (Andie's confused.) Pacey: Yeah, guess we should get you packed up, huh Andie: Right.. (She moves to start getting her things and Pacey gives Joey a look to signal that he knows something is up. Cut to cheerleading practice.) Cheerleaders: 1, 2, 3, 4, we don't care if we don't score, 5, 6, 7, 8, a few points would be really great, that's alright, that's okay, you're going to work for us someday. Gooooo Capeside (Jack and Jen have been watching.) Jen: What do you think Jack: Jen, this is for a pep rally, don't you think they should be slightly more.. Jen: Peppy Jack: Well, optimistic Jen: I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Do you think I want to be held responsible for killing off the last vestiges of Capeside's school spirit? I mean, ever since they elected me leader of their little junta, all they've wanted to do are these nasty, sardonic, self-aware cheers. What's worse is they've even started to dress like me. It's like they're genetically predisposed to having any unique identity Jack: That's a blonde gene Jen: Not funny (Suddenly, a football flies over by them.) Jen: Watch it (Jack catches it.) Mitch : eld) (Cut to Henry, a freshman, begging to get in.) Henry: C'mon, coach! Let me in. His arm blows out there Mitch: Power down, Henry Henry: They're killing us out there Mitch: We're running play-action patterns against ourselves! No one is killing us (Cut back to Jen and Jack.) Jen: I thought you weren't sure yet about whether or not you wanted to go home.. Jack: I know, but the point is, he should have asked me (Another football comes flying their way.) Jen: Look out (Jack catches it again and throws it back.) Jack: Besides, what kind of father doesn't want his son to live with him anyway Jen: Trust me, been there Jack: At least you have Grams Jen: So do you, and me (Cut back to Mitch and Henry arguing.) Henry: C'mon, Coach Mitch: For the last time, Henry, you're a second string freshman who's lucky he's not on JV Henry: We don't have a JV- Mitch: IN the instance, Full gets injured, that's when you start Henry: What about in the instance that he sucks Mitch: FOUR LAPS! NOW (Henry starts running laps. Cut back to Jack and Jen. Yet another football spirals towards them.) Jen: Ahh! Look out (Jack catches it once again and tosses it back. Mitch stares at him. Cut to Dawson in the line at a supermarket.) Dawson: Powerbars, advil, Polaroid film, (missed word), ah, what else am I forgetting? Oh, condoms Clerk: What was that Dawson: The condoms. A pack of....condoms Clerk: You gotta speak up, son Dawson: Condoms (Girls behind him giggle.) Clerk: We don't keep them behind the counter anymore. CONDOMS, AISLE 6 (Cut to Dawson staring at a wall of different kinds of condoms. A man walks up beside him.) Dawson: This is worse than breakfast cereals Man: Big night or are you just stocking up Dawson: Um, a little of both Man: Well, your prophylactic purchases have never been more difficult. It used to be that they just had two kinds. Regular, and for those of us who needed it, the magnum Dawson: (very uncomfortable) Huh Man: These days (places his arm around Dawson) you got your ribbed, your non-ribbed, your lubricated, your non-lubricated, your thin, your extra thin, sheepskin, extra sensitive, and now you've got your glow in the darks (Another man joins them.) Man #2: Glow in the darks don't work Man: No kidding Man #2: Nah, you got to hold them up to the light for 20 minutes. Who's got time for that (A woman joins them.) Woman: And if you really want to blow her mind, try the Brown Betty (Each of the men grab a pack of those as Dawson stares in disbelief at the situation.) Dawson: This is not happening [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Pacey, Joey, and Andie carrying her boxes out to the car.) Pacey: Marc seems like a pretty nice guy. What's he in here for anyway Andie: That's private, Pacey Pacey: Come on, it's just us Andie: Let's not talk about Marc, please Pacey: Well, it just seems a little odd. I mean, you guys seem to be so close yet you never mentioned him in any of your letters or your emails.. Joey: Pacey, drop the male jealousy thing Pacey: It's a long walk home, Potter Andie: Is that what this is about? You're jealous Pacey: How can I not be Andie? I've spent months counting the moments until I'd get to see you again, and the thought of some other guy getting to see you every day, and hear your stories, and eat dinner with you just kills me (They kiss.) Joey: Finally, the reunion kiss we've all been waiting for so....let's go (Cut to Mitch with the football team.) Mitch: Listen up! We're going to play a touch game. Now touch does not mean half ass. I want you to run hard, keep your patterns sharp. Ready? BREAK Henry: Coach Mitch: Yes, Henry Henry: I'm second string Mitch: Yes, Henry Henry: So that means I get to play Mitch: Yes, Henry Henry: So seeing as this is my one shot at impressing you I'd like to tip the odds in my favor. Call in a ringer Mitch: Well, the team's are divided, Henry. There's nobody left Henry: Sure, there is (Cut to Henry in the huddle. Jack is in the huddle, too.) Henry: Tailbacks slant right, z-post on 1, Jack, you run ten yards out. Cut to the right, flat, look over your shoulder, the ball will be there. Ready? BREAK Jack: Okay (Cut to shots of Henry passing the football perfectly to Jack, etc. The football team is looking great. Mitch is impressed. Jack seems to be having a good time. Cut to Pacey and Andie and Joey getting into the car.) Pacey: We shall be arriving at Capeside around 10 so place your station requests now Joey: Alternative Pacey: Classic rock, it is (He looks over at Andie who's staring glumly out the window.) Pacey: You okay, Andie Andie: Yeah, I'm just happy to be with you and to be going home (She turns back towards the window as Pacey looks at her, knowing something is definitely up. Cut to Andie opening her locker at school the next day. Jack walks up.) Jack: How's the first day of classes going there, gorgeous Andie: Very well, I must say Jack: I missed you so much (Andie hugs him.) Andie: I missed you, too (Pacey comes up, pulling Jack away.) Pacey: Hey hey hey, get your hands off my girlfriend Jack: Get your hands off my sister Pacey: (to Andie) About tonight Andie: What about it Pacey: Well, since it's your first Friday back in town I was thinking you and I could go catch a movie and stroll right on down to our little spot. Andie: Oh, well, I was thinking we could all grab dinner tonight, you know, as a group Jack: Sorry, I promised Jen I'd go to that...pep rally thing with her tonight Andie: That could be fun Pacey: Well, in case you forgot, we're a very non-spirited group and pep rallies are all about spirit. What about you and me Andie: Well, there's plenty of time for us to be alone, I just want to be around normal people right now, it's been a long time.. Pacey: Well, what am I Jack: Well, she actually said 'normal people. Pacey: You know, McPhee, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to avoid being alone with me Andie: No, I mean, we can be alone after, or tomorrow! Okay? (she kisses him on the cheek) Bye (Cut to Jack talking to Mitch out on the football field.) Jack: I got a message you wanted to see me Mitch: You did a great job yesterday Jack: Thanks, Mr. Leery Mitch: I usually have my players call me Coach Jack: Oh, no. No way, no Mitch: I want you to join the team, Jack. You and Henry were amazing together Jack: I don't play football Mitch: Well, you fooled me Jack: Look, do I have to spell it out for you Mitch: Yes Jack: A gay kid on the football team. Now if that isn't a written invitation for ridicule, what is Mitch: C'mon, Jack. One thing has nothing to do with the other Jack: In a perfect world, maybe. But that's not Capeside Mitch: Look, I got this team on a (missed word), Jack. Nobody wanted to coach a team that had been so bad for so long. I thought, what the hell? It couldn't be any tougher than the last year of my life and who knows? I might even like it. But the chance of actually winning? That's something I could really use right now, and Jack? I think you could, too (Cut to Dawson loading stuff into his father's car. Jen walks over.) Jen: Not bad for a sherpa(????) invitation, but whatcha doing Dawson: Setting up for tonight, or trying to (He drops a bag and Jen picks it up and starts looking in it.) Jen: Dawson? Praytell condoms? (Dawson grabs them away.) Sorry it's just in the list of things I'd expect to find in your bag, condoms fall somewhere in between nuclear plans and crack cocaine. Curiosity begs, who is the lucky girl Dawson: Privacy begs I ignore you Jen: Ever since Philly, somebody's been whistling a very different tune Dawson: It's the Dawson Leery for the new millenium. The guy who's not afraid to use the words "good" and "time" in close proximity Jen: Well, Dawson 2000, are you ready for this good time? And I don't mean in a Trojan kind of way Dawson: What do you mean Jen: s*x isn't a one way street. There are going to be some expectations where you're concerned Dawson: Okay...any hot tips Jen: I thought that you'd never ask. It's all about one word, Dawson. Pace. Now, most virgins either go too slow or too fast. Which one do you think you are Dawson: How would I know Jen: Let's say that you have an ice cream sundae right in front of you and you have no spoon. Now, it's a hundred degrees out and you're starving. Now, do you lick the ice cream or do you bite right in Dawson: Bite right in Jen: Too fast. See, first you have to watch the sundae, admire the sundae, then, just before it's about to drip, you let your lips lick around the exterior, savoring every inch. You want that sundae to last a long time... ...but not too long, because then the sundae ends up all over the table instead of in your mouth. But Dawson, if you remember one thing, let it be this...If you don't get the whipped cream all over your face, you're not doing it right. You see what I'm saying (Cut to the pep rally. The band is playing, there's signs up reading 'Hope You Score This Year'. Cut to the cheerleaders doing their cheer at the rally. Jen is wearing her cheerleader's uniform with fishnet stockings and high boots.) Jen: I don't know but I've been told.. Cheerleaders: I don't know but I've been told.. Jen: Capeside Minutemen break the mold.. Cheerleaders: Capeside Minutemen break the mold.. Jen: We've got style, we've got class Cheerleaders: We've got style, we've got class Jen: So what if those other guys kick our ass Cheerleaders: So what if those other guys kick our ass Jen: Go Capeside. Go Capeside Principal: Thank you...Minutegirls for your....candid enthusiasm. Now, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, the most integral part of the Minutemen team. He's the new coach, a substitute here at Capeside, Mitch Leery Mitch: Thank you, Principal Green and thank you everyone for showing up tonight. We have a great team this season so I'll waste no time introducing them (He starts introducing them and Pacey, Andie, and Joey show up and take a seat.) Pacey: Personally, I think I've seen enough. What do you say we get out of here Joey: I agree Andie: Nope, we're here. We're staying put (They notice Jack in a football jersey.) Joey: Do you see what I see Mitch: Wide receiver, Jack McPhee (The crowd cheers.) Pacey: When did this happen Joey: News to me Andie: Jen's a cheerleader? Jack's on the football team? I got sane and everyone else went crazy (Cut back up to the stage on Mitch.) Mitch: And now for a first in Capeside history, starting quarterback, freshman Henry Parker (Henry runs up on stage as the crowd cheers and he trips and drops the football and knocks into Jen. He backs up looking at her. It's obvious he likes her.) Henry: I'm sorry Jen: It's okay. It's cool...it's cool...it's cool (Henry bends down to grab the football and grabs her pom-pons by mistake.) Jen: You got my pom-pons, though (He gives them back and gets with the rest of the team.) Mitch: Capeside, meet this year's Minutemen (The band starts playing, explosions go off, confetti is everywhere. Cut to where Pacey, Andie, and Joey are sitting. Pacey puts his arm around Andie.) Andie: Frisky much Pacey: What can I say? Listening to (missed word) just really gets the best of me. What do you say we scram for a little bit Andie: In a little while Pacey: Come on, McPhee Andie: I said in a little bit (Pacey stands up, pulling her.) Andie: What are you doing Pacey: I want to talk to you and I'd really rather not do it in front of the whole school (Andie follows Pacey to the hall as Joey stares after, knowing something is going to happen.) Mitch: And now a little something different to end tonight's program, a closer look at the Capeside Minutemen (The screen comes down as Dawson's video starts playing. Cut to Dawson behind the screen, listening and watching when Eve comes up behind him.) Eve: "'The time has come,' the walrus said. Dawson: You don't mean now Eve: I pick the time and place, remember Dawson: Here? Right now? My video's playing Eve: Which is like the lamest of the lamest excuses Dawson: Good point Eve: Dawson, let's go Dawson: They say that girls like you don't exist Eve: They lie (She pulls him offscreen and we see his arm reach out and grab the bag of condoms. Cut to Andie and Pacey out in the hallway.) Pacey: Okay, Andie, what the hell is going on? And don't tell me that it's nothing because you've been acting strange from the second I picked you up from that clinic, and now I have to beg you to spend some free time with me. So what is happening Andie: We shouldn't talk about this here, Pacey Pacey: So, I'm right Andie: Look, this is not the time, okay Pacey: Is it me? Are you trying to end things with me? Is that what this is about Andie: No! That's the last thing I want Pacey: Fine. Then, what is so awful that you've waited so long to tell me about, Andie Andie: A lot happened to me this summer, Pacey, a lot Pacey: What are you trying to say Andie: Okay, if we are going to talk about this now then you have to promise me that you will not say one word until I'm done Pacey: Okay, go on Andie: No, promise me, Pacey Pacey: Okay, I promise. Just tell me what's wrong with you Andie: (starts crying) When I went to Mayfield to get better, I was someone else. I wasn't the same person that came to Capeside. I wasn't the girl you fell in love with. My first week, I met Marc. He had been through everything I had went through and more. In and out of facilities, three times, on and off medication since he was nine. I didn't write to you about him, because I didn't want you to get jealous -- we were just friends. We'd spend our free time together, just talking endlessly, mostly about our fears. I was so afraid, Pacey, afraid of everything. I was scared that they were never gonna let me out of there, or that whatever was broken inside of me wouldn't be fixable. Marc -- he understood these things like nobody else could because they were his fears too. He even had a girlfriend that he was anxious to get back to Pacey: You slept with him Andie: We knew immediately afterwards that it was wrong, for both of us Pacey: You slept with him, Andie Andie: We both agreed to just be friends and not tell our significant others but, Pacey, when I saw you-- It was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. And all I keep thinking right now is what if you can't forgive me. Pacey, you have to forgive me. You have to forgive me (Pacey makes a disgusted noise and turns and walks out of the building leaving Andie alone, crying. Cut to Dawson and Eve making out behind the screen.) Dawson: There's hundreds of people on the other side of this screen Eve: I know, isn't it great Dawson: Isn't there a janitor's closet somewhere that we can sneak into Eve: Possibly (They lean against a button panel and the screen raises slightly and the crowd is shown the feet of Eve and Dawson but the screen lowers back down to normal.) Dawson: What was that Eve: What Dawson: That click Eve: Nothing (They continue and they set it off again this time raising the screen completely revealing Eve in only pants and a bra and Dawson with his shirt unbuttoned.) Dawson: That was definitely not nothing Eve: Dawson, relax (She relizes the screen is going up.) Eve: Whatever you do, don't turn around Dawson: Why (They turn and look at the crowd, which breaks out into wild applause. The band breaks into the theme from ROCKY and Dawson and Eve stand up and bow before Dawson notices Joey's pained expression. Cut to Eve and Dawson after the pep rally.) Eve: You're ready? Dawson: I think I want to catch a ride home with my father. Eve: You don't wanna... hang out? Dawson: Part of me really, really wants to. Eve: Just part of you Dawson: Eve, I don't know anything about you! I don't know where you come from, I don't know why you're here, I don't even know your last name. All you are to me is s*x, and if I slept with you that would be the reason. Eve: We don't have a reason for sleeping with someone, Dawson. Either it's their body or their personality, their money or their sense of humour. What's the difference? Dawson: I guess the difference is the first time I sleep with somebody I don't want it to be for just any reason. I want it to be for every reason. Eve: (long pause) Your eyes. Dawson: What about them Eve: That was my reason. When I first met you, I looked into your eyes and I saw such an old soul Dawson: Thank you, Eve. Eve: Whitman. Thank you, Eve Whitman. Dawson: I don't suppose there's any chance you'd give me your phone number. Eve: That one you'll have to earn. (Cut to Pacey driving Joey to her house.) Joey: Well, I don't think we'll be attending any more pep rallies any time soon. Pacey: Probably not. Joey: Thanks for the ride. Pacey: No problem. Joey: Pacey, you probably don't want to hear this right now, and I'm sure you don't want to hear it from me, but you have to talk to her. Pacey: No, not right now. I couldn't even look at her right now. Joey: You have to, Pacey. You have to hear her out. Pacey: Why? What's the difference, Joey, huh? No matter what she says the ending's still the same. She slept with somebody else. Joey: You think that just because the two of you were together what she did hurts more? It doesn't. There's no difference, Pacey, I mean... Look, she's sixteen years old and so are you. We talk like we know what's going on, but we don't. We don't have any idea. Look, we're really young and we're gonna screw up a lot! You know, we're going to keep changing our minds and ... and sometimes even our hearts. And through all of that, the only real thing we can offer each other is forgiveness. And I couldn't do that. Or at least I did it too late. Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving because one day you wake up from that anger and the person you love will be gone. (Cut to Jen and Jack in the halls after the pep rally.) Jen: I tell you, these fishnets itch. Jack: I don't believe you wear them. (Jack spots Mr. McPhee) Dad! Mr McPhee: Hi Jack. Jen. Jen: Jack, I'll see you home. Jack: Yeah. Mr McPhee: Jen's grandmother called me, said I should make my way down here tonight. I wasn't sure why 'til saw you up there. Congratulations! Jack: Thanks Mr McPhee: Seeing you on that stage made me realise I was wrong. Jack: How do you mean? Mr McPhee: Jack, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought living under my care would be too hard. That there were too many differences between us. And when I saw you in that jersey, at the first time in a while, I saw myself in you. Jack: Dad, it shouldn't take a football jersey to make you see that. Mr McPhee: You're right. I would like very much for you to... Jack: Sorry, but no. Mr McPhee: No, I figured that would be a response. But I needed to ask. Jack: Thanks. Mr McPhee: 'Night. Jack: Night, Dad. Dad? Mr McPhee: Yeah? Jack: Ask me again some time? (Cut to Pacey walking towards Andie at their spot.) Andie: I was hoping you'd find me here. Pacey: To be honest, I told myself a thousand times not to come. Andie: So why did you? Pacey: 'Cause I owe you that much Andie: I've already told you how sorry I am. What else can I say? Pacey: There's nothing else to say. Andie: So you don't think that you can forgive me? Pacey: Whether or not I can forgive you, Andie, is not going to be what keeps us apart. What you did... Our relationship was like this beautiful thing, and I don't think you ever realized how powerful it was. You changed my life, Andie, you were that person for me. You inspired me to be a man that I'd only ever dreamt about being. When you first started to get sick, it dawned on me that I might not be that person for you. I can never go back to loving you the way I did knowing that my love wasn't strong enough the first time around. I could always forgive you, Andie, but I will never forget. Andie: But I still love you, Pacey. Pacey: Goodbye, Andie. (Cut to Mitch and Dawson arriving home. Mitch signals Dawson towards Joey on the docks. He goes up to her.) Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Dawson: What are you doing here? Joey: I'm not sure. Your house is like magnetic north. Certain nights, it just.. it draws me in. While you were gone this summer, there were days I would just get in my boat and come riding past your dock. For old times sake, I guess. Dawson: We can't go back, Joey. Joey: I know. It's like that phrase, isn't it? Can't go home again. I realized that for a while. Earlier tonight... Dawson: I'm sorry you had to see that. Joey: Don't be. I think I was meant to. In some weird way it helped me. I mean, seeing you on that stage something inside of me clicked, and for the first time I felt how wrong it would be. I mean we... we really do need to... to move on and to meet new people and to have new relationships. Dawson: It's weird as it happens, isn't it? You still love the person, you just stop needing them like you used to Joey: Yeah. It's weird and it's kinda sad. So we're friends, and then we are a couple, then friends again, then a couple. So, what are we now? Dawson: We're Dawson and Joey. (He takes off his necklace and puts it on her neck.) Joey: You think every Joey has a Dawson and every Dawson has a Joey? Dawson: I hope so -- for their sake. (The camera zooms out. Cue ending credits.) (THE END.)

Plan: A: Pacey; Q: Who is overjoyed to be spending time with Andie? A: Andie; Q: Who does Pacey and Joey go to collect from the hospital? A: Dawson; Q: Who is manipulated by his father and the school principal to produce a film about football? A: Eve; Q: Who is the other person in the semi-clothed scene? A: The same night; Q: When does Jen become head cheerleader? A: Jack; Q: Who is the new star of the football team? A: two; Q: How many facts stun Pacey, Joey, and Andie? A: a shocking confession; Q: What does Andie make to Pacey? A: an unexpected encounter; Q: What does Jack have with his father? Summary: As Pacey and Joey leave Capeside to collect Andie from hospital, Dawson is manipulated by his father and the school principal to produce a film about football for the upcoming pep rally. However, the ultimate stars of the film, which is seen by many students and teachers, are Dawson and Eve, who inadvertently appear semi-clothed. The same night, Jen is revealed to be the new head cheerleader and Jack, the new star of the football team, two facts which stun Pacey, Joey and Andie, who are watching from the audience. Pacey is overjoyed to be spending time with Andie, but she doesn't appear as excited to see him, and when confronted by her boyfriend, Andie makes a shocking confession to sleeping with someone else. Jack has an unexpected encounter with his father, who has returned to Capeside.

Opening scene - The pool house - It's almost pitch black inside, and its early morning. we hear the door open and Seth walks in and then closes the door behind him. Ryan is sound asleep Seth: (whispers) Ryan (moves closer to the bed) Ryan (sits down beside the bed) (louder) hey Ryan (Ryan gasps and abruptly sits up in bed, startled. Seth grins {lol}) Ryan: (breathes heavily, frowns) what time is it Seth: (turns on the lamp) iiiiiiits five thirty...ish Ryan: showin up earlier an earlier Seth: yeah well, we have alotta ground to cover (Ryan lies back down) so I figured, since we're both up we may's well...get a jump on it Ryan: yeah, no, we've ben over this, Summer doesn't want you, she doesn't want Zach, all there is to it (turns the lamp off) goodnight (rolls onto his side, facing away from Seth) Seth: (turns the lamp back on) something occurred to me, a new wrinkle Ryan: about? the prom Seth: yeah, an I have'ta convince Summer to go with me, we (raises eyebrows) as a couple Ryan, must partake in the magical rite of passage known as the prom Ryan: yeah-yeah-yeah you mean people getting drunk, makin out, throwing up on the gym floor (screws up his face) Seth: no I mean romance Ryan (Ryan looks at him) I mean tuxedos, corsages, the limousines (claps) Ryan: I don't know man, I don't see Summer really buyin inta the prom thing Seth: well you're wrong about that, Summers ben fantasizing about prom since fifth grade Ryan: (looks at Seth) how do ya know that Seth: (matter of factly) sat behind her an Marissa in computer class...I really...honed my eaves dropping skills that year, point is, Summers for-ever dreamt of going to the prom an I in turn, would dream of going with her (looks at Ryan) Ryan: well you need'a get that outta your mind (points) if it helps at all, I don't think I'm gonna go either (leans up on his elbows) Seth: look jus cause you saw Trey leaving Marissa's does not mean there hooking up Ryan: yeah, what'does it mean Seth: maybe he went over to borrow something like a book (claps his hands lightly) or one of her newsboy caps Ryan: yeah, maybe they hooked up Seth: ok your jus married to the worst possible scenario huh Ryan: (sits up, sighs) look I'm gonna talk to her about it today but wh-wh whatever happened she seems deadset on keeping it from me (the phone rings) Seth: kinda early for a phone call Ryan: (looks at Seth) kinda early for alotta things Seth: (answers) hello, dad where...where are you (Ryan looks at him) oh my god...ok uh yeah (looks at Ryan) we'll be right there (hangs up) Ryan: (worried) what is it Seth: (frowns) my mom got in a car accident she's at the hospital (stands) (Ryan quickly gets out of bed) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet The hospital - we see an exterior shot of the hospital, and then we see Kirsten lying in a hospital bed. Sandy is watching her but we can only see his reflection in the glass, not actually him. he looks worried. the shot changes and we see a close up of Kirsten. she has a big gash on her head a little lower down to where Trey has his. she opens her eyes just as Sandy comes in Sandy: (Kirsten looks at him helplessly) oh honey, I am so glad your ok (sits on the bed) Kirsten: (closes her eyes) I'm so sorry Sandy: we'll get through this (kisses Kirsten's head) I promise (Kirsten looks down, and Sandy looks down as well. Kirsten opens her hand and we see her wedding ring in 2 pieces, Sandy looks at it then at Kirsten) Kirsten: (softly) they had ta cut it off Sandy: well, you were due for an upgrade anyway (Kirsten smiles. Sandy looks towards the door and Seth and Ryan come in. Seth does a small wave. they both look worried) Seth: mom, are you ok Kirsten: oooh, I'm fine (looks at Seth) Sandy: the doctors say she has a concussion, but fortunately no internal injuries Ryan: (frowns) what happened Kirsten: talking on the cell phone, it was stupid (Sandy looks at her) thank god for air bags Ryan: well is there anything we can do (looks at Seth) Kirsten: oh not a thing (Seth nods, frowning) ill jus probably spend the day on the couch Seth: well under the circumstances ill lift my parental ban on my DVD collection (nods, frowning) Sandy: what an honour (Kirsten smiles) Seth: it is, you can watch anything you want uh house'a flying daggers, evil dead two (an officer comes to the door and Sandy looks over at him) if you must X-men one and two (Sandy leaves the room) but you gotta do one first, that's- (Ryan says something over Seth but I can't work out what sorry, that guy mumbles alot! lol) Seth: sorta the catch (to Ryan) no two's better (Sandy is now in the hall with the officer) Officer: I don't know what to tell you Sandy (looks at Sandy) she blew point o eight (Sandy nods) look...maybe...if I read it wrong (Sandy looks at him) maybe it was uhh point o seven Sandy: (shakes his head) I'm not askin you to do that Officer: (puts up his hand) jus promise me you'll get her some help (Sandy looks at the officer) CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa and Summer are walking together outside. they walk under a huge banner that is hanging up. in small silver letters it says Harbor High 2005 Junior Prom, underneath that in bigger orange fancy letters with white edging it says Under the O. Sea and the background is like a bluey water colour Summer: so it's an underwater thing Marissa: yeah but it turns out that's alot more work then I thought (looks at Summer) d'you have any idea how to make a paper mach'e octopus Summer: no, but maybe Ryan could bring you one instead of a corsage Marissa: (sighs) I don't think Ryan's gonna be bringing me anything (drinks water) Summer: but...you guys are going ta prom together right (frowns) Marissa: I wouldn't count on it (sits on a bench) Summer: (sits next to Marissa) Coop, did I miss something, cause for like a blip you guys actually seemed happy Marissa: (looks at Summer) its...complicated (drinks) Summer: well its you an Ryan its suppose'ta be Marissa: can we not talk about this anymore Summer: ...yeah (looks Marissa up and down) Coop, are you ok Marissa: fine, I'm fine, so everyone's saying your gonna be voted prom queen, isn't that like your fifth grade dream coming true Summer: no, my dream involved an actual date, a hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel (thinks) instead I'm drawing straws between nerd boy an ass clown Marissa: so what're you gonna do, not go Summer: (shrugs) exactly, if I go I have to decide between Seth an Zach, fast forward to prom (frowns) there's me standing alone while the two of them wrestle on the floor like two girls in a mud pit Marissa: Sum, I'm building the lost city of Atlantis out of streamers an tape you gotta at least show up Summer: fine, if you work out your mysterious issues with Ryan (tips her head) then maybe ill go Marissa: (looks away) ...I wouldn't hold my breath (drinks) (Summer looks at Marissa, frowning) CUT TO: Cohen house - we see Julie come through the front door, and Sandy is in front of her holding a big gift basket Julie: so, how is she Sandy: weeelll the doctor said she'll be fine, she's resting now I (shakes his head) I should'a seen this coming (they are now walking into the kitchen) Julie: so she's ben hittin the bottle a little hard lately, its ben a rough couple of weeks for everyone...even me (puts her bag down) Sandy: (looks at Julie) ok, ill bite...so what's the problem Julie: Sandy (puts her hand on her hip) I did not come here to talk about myself (Sandy looks at her) but as long as we're on the subject I (squints) could kind of use your advice (pulls out a piece of paper from an envelope) Sandy: (puts out his hand) hey if this involves you being naked, please y-y you gotta warn me Julie: (makes a 'very funny' expression) its my pre nup (hands it to Sandy) Sandy: ooooh (reads) well it says here if you an Caleb 've ben married for a year you get three million dollars at least (Julie puts her hands up to her face) if you have ben married for less then a year you get...nothing (looks at Julie, raises eyebrows) Julie: eleven months, twenty seven days, why do you think he's in a such a rush to divorce me Sandy: I'm not suprised, he's a wily old guy Julie: he's a...cheap son of a bitch who wants to throw me out on the street, Sandy please you've gotta find a loop hole Sandy: I don't know Julie this looks iron clad to me, all Caleb has'ta do is file the papers by Monday with the county clerk (hands Julie the pre nup) unless you can figure out a way ta stop him...your outta luck (Julie looks as though she's thinking) CUT TO: Harbor school - Zach is at his locker and Seth hesitantly goes over Seth: hey (small wave) Zach: (turns around) Cohen (shuts his locker) Seth: dude (sighs) I'm so sorry about the launch, I had a (Zach sighs) Bruce Banna moment Zach: yeah...eh we're both to blame lets put it behind us (shakes Seth's hand) Seth: ok look it never happened Zach: (nods) yep Seth: ok (points) I'm goin...this way Zach: (follows) you think Summers willing to forget about it Seth: sure, if she sees how mature we're bein (Zach nods) right, look how much we've grown since the other day we're shakin hands, we're usin brains instead'a braun Zach: we're no longer ruled by our Y chromosomes Seth: no, we're cilvilised gentleman Zach (Zach frowns) we can handle any situation with grace an dignity (they are now in the student lounge) Zach: ooo here comes our first test (Summer walks over to them) Seth: Summer, hey (Zach smiles) we were both jus talkin an- Summer: save it Cohen Seth: ok Summer: I'm done listening to your excuses Zach: Summer we're really sorry, are you...willing to forgive us Summer: nope (shakes her head) don't wanna forgive you (Seth and Zach look at her) but, prom is tomorrow night (raises eyebrows) an I have wanted to go my whole - life, so I'm not gonna let our demented little threesome ruin that for me (smiles) so I'm going (raises eyebrows) with one of you (Zach and Seth both look happy) Seth: well which one of us are you gonna take Summer: don't care, I am too pissed off an tired ta choose (raises eyebrows) so your gonna decide, don't care how, but tomorrow I will be infront'a my house in a dress an one of you (raises eyebrows) will pick me up, got it, good (walks between them then stops) oh, you know my dress is a magenta colour so my corsage should be in that general family (smiles) Zach: dude, she's totally hanging by a thread Seth: (touches Zach's arm) yeah ok ill take one for the team ill...take her to prom Zach: (frowns) no way why do you get to go Seth: because dude I sssaaawww her first (nods) Zach: (confused) that...doesn't make sense Seth: (nods) sure it does (we hear a beep and Zach looks at his phone) Zach: I got a text message from Reed, she wants to meet us at the diner for lunch Seth: dude (shakes his head) the ladies are all over us but not in a good way Zach: ok listen, I say we go to the diner we meet with Reed, then we deal with this...Summer thing later Seth: alright one battle at a time CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is in bed resting and Sandy comes in with a coffee. he sits on the bed beside her and hands her the coffee, and then holds out a brochure Kirsten: (frowns) what is that (we see that along the top of the brochure it says SURIAK) Sandy: it's the best facility on the west coast Kirsten: (looks at the brochure then Sandy) your sending me to rehab Sandy: I'm asking ya (Kirsten looks away, stunned) ta get help (Kirsten sighs) nobody needs ta know we could say your...your takin a trip Kirsten: in this town a trip is always rehab Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) all I care about is you Kirsten: then you don't have'ta worry about me, I'm done with drinking Sandy: (softly) jus like that huh Kirsten: last night scared me Sandy: (shakes his head) you don't jus snap your fingers an make somethin like this disappear Kirsten: well you do when you could lose everything...an last night I almost did (Sandy looks at her) look (sits up) I'm going to the kitchen now an I'm gonna pour out every - drop in this house (Kirsten gets out of bed and walks towards the door, Sandy watches her) Kirsten: (turns around) are you coming Sandy: right behind ya (stands) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see Marissa walking up the stairs outside, after a few seconds we see Ryan catch up to her Ryan: Marissa Marissa: (looks) hey Ryan: (sighs and looks at Marissa) look I know there's somethin goin on so jus tell me Marissa: tell you what Ryan: I saw Trey leavin your house last night Marissa: (scoffs) it's not what you think Ryan: yeah well I asked you what happened when I was in Miami an your not talkin so (looks at Marissa) I'm takin my best guess Marissa: which is Ryan: ...you an Trey Marissa: what, you think we hooked up (Ryan doesn't say anything) you know what thanks alot (walks away) for the vote of confidence Ryan: (follows) hey look you've ben acting strange ever since I got back anTreys avoiding me what...what am I spose'ta think Marissa: (angry) your suppose'ta give me a little more credit Ryan: (moves in front of Marissa) ok fine (Marissa looks at him) tell me Marissa: (scoffs) I didn't hook up with him (walks away) (Ryan looks over his shoulder) (looks back) an if you don't believe me why don't you ask your brother what happened! (Marissa walks away and Ryan watches, frowning) CUT TO: The diner - Seth and Zach are sitting opposite Reed in a booth. Reed is looking at them both Seth: I understand your probably...a little bit upset about the launch, well, I think one day pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this , ha-ha-ha (Zach looks at him) I know that day feels far off, but comedy is jus tragedy...plus time (Reed looks at him, unimpressed) Zach: Reed we're really sorry, we had a huge opportunity an we blew it...I hope we can make it up to you Reed: thankyou Zach Seth: (looks at Zach) I was gonna say that (points) Reed: look I hate ta give you guys good news but unfortunately I have some...George Lucas (raises eyebrows) is interested in Atomic County (Seth looks shocked) he might wanna make it into his next movie Seth: oh my god Zach: (mouth open in shock) this is incredible (huge smile) Seth: (looks at Zach) oh my god it's happened we're this decades uh-uh (points) Matt an Ben Reed: look he's coming to town an he wants to sit down with you guys, but here's the deal (puts up a finger) only one'a you can take the meeting Seth: (smile goes) what Zach: (frowns) Reed Reed: face it, you two can't do anything together except whine about Summer, I can't face another debacle I can't handle another debacle (puts up her hands) I (closes her eyes) no, one (hold up one finger and raises her eyebrows) (Seth and Zach look at each other) Seth: well which one of us do you want Reed: unfortunately I am pissed off enough that I don't even care (Zach listens) but George is coming to town tomorrow night so he an I will be at Al Forno's an one'a you will be there (stands) an if either of you utter the name Summer, so help me god (clenches her teeth) (Reed leaves) Zach: dude this is amazing, I have'ta go to that meeting, d'you realise what this could do for me Seth: hold on buddy I've ben dreaming about meeting George Lucas since I was like a fetus Zach: I thought you wanted to go ta prom with Summer Seth: (points) I think you said that to, I think you did (looks up, thinking) yeah ya did Zach: alright uh (thinks) so one of us takes the meeting, the other one goes to prom Seth: alright Zach: d'you have any ideas how ta settle this (holds his hands out) Seth: (sighs) no (frowns, shajes his head) not even one CUT TO: Cohen front door - Sandy opens the door and Caleb is standing there Caleb: how is she Sandy: well she's doin alright, a little rattled (shuts the door) Caleb: I hope she'd be rattled, drunk driving at her age...is a disgrace (they are now in the kitchen) Sandy: what Kirsten needs right now is a little support, if ya can't give her that then (motions with his head) show yourself out Caleb: I see your employing your usual soft ball approach, that might be appropriate when your son runs off ta Portland but this is a tad more serious Sandy: I know how to help my wife (looks at Caleb) (Kirsten comes in) Kirsten: Sandy (Caleb looks at her) I uh I can-I can handle this Sandy: ok, ill be outside (Kirsten nods) (to Caleb) behave yourself (Sandy leaves) Caleb: I'm glad to see your still in one piece Kirsten: dad I know you're worried, but I'm fine...see, a couple of sprained fingers, not the end of the world...so (shrugs) how're things at the office Caleb: (moves closer to Kirsten) you could'a ben killed (raises eyebrows) Kirsten: I learned my lesson, always eat dinner Caleb: is that the lesson to be learnt here Kirsten: (looks at Caleb) I made an error in judgment...you should be familiar with that Caleb: this is not about me Kiki you have a problem (Kirsten looks at him) an my god, did you give any thought to your kids Kirsten: (upset) I am a good mother Caleb: (stern) your also an alcoholic (Kirsten looks at him, stunned) your mother was one to, she did her best to hide it but I always knew Kirsten: (yells) why do you think mom drank the way she did! why do you think Hailey left the house at seventeen, IF THIS FAMILY IS SCREWED UP IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! Caleb: (yells) I gave you everything you ever wanted Kirsten: I may like my chardonnay but I am not gonna die alone AN THAT'S MORE THEN I CAN SAY FOR YOU! (Kirsten glares at Caleb and then leaves the kitchen. Caleb just stands there) CUT TO: Treys apartment - Ryan knocks on the door Ryan: (calls) Trey (no response) Trey you in there (Ryan takes his phone out and dials a number and then puts it up to his ear) Ryan: Trey look its me (we now see a close up Treys answering machine, and can hear the message from Ryan, without actually seeing Ryan) Ryan: I know you're avoiding me but I need to talk to you so...do me a favour call me back, bye (beep) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is lying on her stomach, on a blanket, on the grass. with headphones on her ears and she's reading some sort of magazine. Zach and Seth walk over Zach: Summer Summer: (looks up and puts the head phones around her neck) what d'you want Seth: we both wanna take you to the prom, now I know it feels like deep down ya hate us both equally, but somewhere, if you look inside yourself (points to his chest) you've gotta hate one of us less Summer: I've tried choosing, when Seth went to Portland I chose Zach, when Zach went to Italy I chose Seth (frowns) somehow it jus doesn't seem to stick so I'm done deciding I am leaving it up to you guys (smiles) Seth: well what if we can't decide Summer: rock paper scissors, flip a coin I don't care how you do it (looks at them both, grins) bye (motions with her hands for them to leave) (Zach and Seth walk away) Zach: (frowns) so heads I go ta the prom, tails you go...? Seth: (frowns) ok fine (pulls out a coin) Zach: no wait wait wait hold on Seth: no, no chang'ies Zach: no I think we should wait (Seth listens) if we flipped a coin right now we're both gonna try an get out of whatever we're spose'ta do, but if we wait till right before the prom Seth: neither of us will have a chance to back out Zach: so meet you at your house before the prom Seth: alright (they both walk off in opposite directions) CUT TO: The pool house - Seth walks in the door and Ryan is in there, sitting in a chair. he waves to Seth, he doesn't look happy Seth: (sits on the step) somethin tells me you talked to Marissa Ryan: yeah, said she didn't hook up with Trey Seth: which is...good news right Ryan: somethin happened between em I know it Seth: well have you tried talkin ta Trey seein what he says Ryan: (nods) yeah I went over to his place today he wasn't there, an he's not takin my calls Seth: alright then your options are A you can sit here an you can spin conspiracy theories about Trey an Marissa or B, you can believe her, now my personal recommendation Ryan: let me guess B (closes his eyes) Seth: yes B believe her, an might I add first of all that you have no reason not to, but if you believe her you can put this weird...non fight behind you guys an you can go to prom together (points) Ryan: (laughs) I don't really think I'm in the mood to go to prom Seth: you have'ta go, an look, I mean maybe I've seen too many saved by the bells but if its taught me anything it sure has taught me that prom is a seminal moment, ok, its meant to be shared (looks at Ryan) Ryan: this about you an Summer (raises eyebrows) Seth: no...maybe, I don't- yes but only because Summer an I aren't gonna go to our prom cause of some stupid fight (Ryan listens) so you should really learn from the error of my ways please, somebody...really should (Seth looks at Ryan, Ryan looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we hear a doorbell and then we see Julie answer the door, Caleb is standing there Julie: oh, well (puts her hand on her hip, smiles) is this a booty call Caleb: not in the least...I've come for my sleeping pills Julie: oh, well there upstairs (motions) (Caleb goes in and Julie shuts the door. Caleb motions to Julie 'after you' and Julie goes up the stairs, Caleb follows behind her - they are now upstairs) Julie: yeah I haven't ben sleeping very well either, this divorce it's so...ugly Caleb: oh its not that, I had an argument with Kirsten, our worst yet (sighs) I just can't stop thinking about it Julie: oh, well, I'm jus thinking outside the box here but you could apologise (looks at Caleb) Caleb: no, couldn't face her Julie: so write her a letter, say all the things your too stubborn to say to her face (Caleb looks at her) come on, we both know you can't stand ta fight with her Caleb: sometimes...you suprise me Juju (smiles) Julie: (smiles) hang on ill get your pills (Julie goes into the bathroom and opens the drawer) Caleb: orange bottle, blue an white label, little black an white things Julie: I know just a second (looks at a bottle) (we see Julie looking at the label, then the label on the bottle goes out of focus and Kirsten's reflection in the mirror comes into focus. she looks as though she's considering something) Caleb: I could've found them in half the time without my glasses (Julie comes back out) Julie: ok ok, here (hands the bottle to Caleb) now make sure you only take one Caleb: yeah yeah I know (goes to leave) Julie: wait Cal wait, would you like to do something tomorrow night, maybe get together (raises an eyebrow,. hopeful) Caleb: you asking me out on a date Julie: is that so odd (Caleb raises his eyebrows) alright I guess it is but just think of it as one last hoora, it'll probably be the last night we ever spend together Caleb: Julie, your not gonna seduce me out of this divorce I'm meeting my lawyer tomorrow to finalise the paperwork an I'm filing bright an early Monday morning Julie: so send me the papers, ill make the margs, we'll make a party out of it (smiles) Caleb: (smiles) oh why not, fitting end to a bizarre marriage like ours Julie: so ill see you tomorrow Caleb: (walking away) see ya tomorrow (waves) (the next thing we see is Julie back in the bathroom, she pulls back the top of a hand towel and underneath is a pile of blue and white pills. we hear the sound of the front door closing, and Julie looks as though she's thinking) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is walking by himself outside and he sees Marissa Ryan: hey Marissa: ...hi Ryan: (sighs) so (Marissa looks at him) I'm sorry...I went off on you yesterday I was confused Marissa: I get it, you know I've ben kind of all over the map lately to Ryan: no no you say nothing happened an I believe you (Marissa nods) you feel like going to prom Marissa: (smiles, excited) you mean it! (Marissa hugs Ryan and then they kiss) Ryan: thought you weren't inta PDA at school Marissa: hm I'm coming around (kisses Ryan again) (the camera pans passed Ryan and Marissa kissing to show Jess watching them near by, she has a smile on her face) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten is in there by herself looking exhausted and Sandy walks in Sandy: morning Kirsten: (looks up) morning Sandy: did you sleep at all last night (touches Kirsten's head) Kirsten: not a wink (Sandy kisses her head) (Kirsten rests her head on Sandy's chest, and Sandy rubs her arm) Sandy: listen I'm an expert at fighting with your father (Kirsten half smiles) an believe me every time you think you've driven him away...he comes roarin back askin for more you couldn't beat him off with a stick (smiles) Kirsten: oh, but the things I said... Sandy: he'll forgive you, give it some time (Kirsten looks at him) Kirsten: I guess so (small smile) Sandy: (leans down to Kirsten's level) how bout we lay low tonight...we'll order some take out...maybe watch one'a Seth's DVDs Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) I should try an talk to my dad (nods) Sandy: if we're gonna get through this all by ourselves...we need'ta get back on solid ground Kirsten: well I've never seen the house of flying daggers (smiles) (Sandy kisses Kirsten and Kirsten looks at him lovingly) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is at his locker and Jess is standing near him. Ryan shuts his locker and notices her Jess: (smiles) scared you Ryan: Jess Jess: walk me to class, feel like we haven't chatted in a while Ryan: (looks at Jess) what'do you want Jess: a date for the prom, you taken Ryan: yeah Jess: let me guess, Marissa Cooper...does it bother you...getting your brothers sloppy seconds Ryan: look nothing happened between Marissa an Trey ok Jess: your getting your chain yanked Atwood, bad Ryan: alright fine, you got the story id love to hear it Jess: ask your brother, although I don't think he's to anxious to share since he took off for Chino last night Ryan: (looks at Jess then leans in closer) (softly) you better not be screwin with me Jess: apparently, I'm (raises eyebrows) the only one who's not (Jess smiles and walks away, Ryan looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - we see Zach's hand holding the coin, and then we see Seth and Zach standing opposite each other Seth: ok, I'm prepared for whatever fate throws my way tonight, I have a tuxedo pressed incase I'm goin to the prom Zach: mines in the trunk Seth: alright, and if I am in fact meeting with George Lucas (turns and holds up a shirt) I have my boba fett t-shirt {sorry to all the Star Wars fans, if that name is wrong!} Zach: (looks at the little shirt Seth is holding up) dude it's a little small (frowns) Seth: I got it when I was eight (puts the shirt down) hopefully it'll stretch (motions to the coin) shall we Zach: you do the honours (holds out the coin) Seth: ok, heads I go to the prom tails you Zach: great (Seth flicks the coin into the air and looks up as it falls back down. Zach's eyes follow it as Seth catches it with one hand, Seth turns his hand over and down onto the top of his other hand, keeping the coin covered. they are both looking at Seth's hands. Seth looks at Zach, and Zach looks at Seth and then they both look back down, they lean forward to see the result. we unfortunately don't get to see it! we just see there expressions) Zach: works for me Seth: just as I hoped Zach: good luck tonight man, have fun (touches Seth's arm) Seth: yeah (nods) same to you (Seth drops the coin into Zach's top pocket and Zach leaves. Seth waves to him and then we see him frowning) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we see 2 hands breaking open a tablet and the contents fall into a greeny coloured drink. we can now see that it was Julie's hands, she puts the opened tablet with a whole bunch of others sitting on a tray, and then she stirs the green drink {which turns out to be margaritas} Caleb: (off screen) Julie (Julie looks worried, she picks up the tray that has all the opened tablets on it, and takes it over to the counter - outside by the pool we see Caleb) Julie: (off screen, calls) just a second (on screen) I-I'm coming (Julie takes a breath in to compose herself and then joins Caleb outside, carrying the jug of margaritas) Julie: oh, your early (smiles) Caleb: (referring to Julies outfit) I see you've pulled out all the stops (Julie looks at him) one last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward Julie: god, paranoid much, I jus wanted one last night with you (Caleb looks at her, skeptical) an if you don't believe me (picks up a piece of paper) here Caleb: (reads) you signed Julie: told ya, so now maybe you can relax...have a drink take a dip, hm (pours the margarita into a glass) here I made it jus the way you like it...on the rocks, plenty of salt (Caleb takes the glass, and Julie looks almost anxious) Caleb: (goes to drink, then changes his mind) I think ill start with a scotch Julie: ok, no hurry on the margs (smiles) scotch it is (takes the glass back) (Julie goes back inside with the margarita, she looks frustrated) CUT TO: Chino - we see Ryan walk into that bar/pool hall place from the earlier episode where Trey runs to Chino and Marissa and Ryan had to go save him. {217} Ryan sees Trey at a pool table, he walks over and stands in front of him Trey: (sees Ryan) Ryan, good ta see ya man Ryan: cut the crap Trey, you got somethin you wanna tell me Trey: what'do you mean Ryan: about Marissa (looks at Trey) Trey: ...alright, fine let's uh take a seat, get a drink (Ryan and Trey go over to the bar and sit down) Trey: uh two seven sevens uh...one seven seven an one just seven (points) (Ryan looks at him) ...when you were in Miami Marissa an I we got drunk together Ryan: an you came onto her Trey: (offended) man why do you always assume that it's my fault Ryan: (looks at Trey) cause it always is Trey: anyway we were both wasted, really wasted (nods) on the beach an your girl she can drink but she can't hold her liquor (Ryan looks at him) ...look I'm sorry, Ryan (Ryan looks at him) ...she threw herself at me Ryan: I don't believe you Trey: look she an I agreed not ta tell you because we thought it'd be better if you didn't know Ryan: there's no way (Trey looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Trey. Trey looks at Ryan) Ryan: (looks at Trey) d'you swear Trey: on mom (Ryan looks at him) I wouldn't lie to you Ryan (raises eyebrows, seriously) not about this (drinks) (Ryan turns around to leave) Trey: Ryan I- Ryan: I gotta go Trey: (stands) man I'm so sorry (the next thing we see is Ryan walking down the street by himself. he takes out his phone and dials a number) Ryan: Marissa hey its me um...I'm not feelin well so...I'm not gonna make prom...sorry (hangs up) (Ryan goes to walk away, and he stops when he hears Theresa's voice) Theresa: Ryan (Ryan looks over and we see Theresa standing across the road with a grocery bag covering her stomach. a truck drives by passed covering her, and then we see her closer up. she's staring at Ryan) Ryan: Theresa [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Theresa and Ryan walking together - he's carrying the groceries for her and they are walking along the footpath Ryan: so what're you doin back huh Theresa: I'm visiting my mom for the weekend...believe it or not...I miss it here (laughs to herself) I mean it might not be paradise but its home Ryan: and Atlanta Theresa: its fine, for now (nods) Ryan: (turns to Theresa) you know I uh I wrote you all those letters Theresa: (nods) I know...I needed a clean break Ryan: or you were mad cause I left Theresa: I wanted you ta leave, you belong in Newport I mean...which doesn't explain, why are you back here (looks at Ryan) Ryan: Trey (smiles) Theresa: he's outta jail Ryan: yeah he was crashin with the Cohen's for a little while, everything was going good but Theresa: let me guess...Trey got inta trouble Ryan: he hooked up with Marissa (looks at Theresa, Theresa looks at him) Trey says she came onta him, she says nothin happened I don't know who to believe Theresa: I do (nods) (Ryan looks at her) Ryan, Trey has ben jerking you around you entire life I mean, an Marissa- Ryan: has made mistakes Theresa: she would never hurt you like that (shakes her head) Ryan: how do you know (frowns) Theresa: cause last year when I needed you, you know she...she let you go (Ryan listens) even though it broke her heart...they both love you but...of the two of them Marissa is the one that you can trust (Ryan looks at her, Theresa shrugs) Theresa: well, this is me (points) Ryan: oh is your mom in ill say hey Theresa: yeah but um well its getting kind of late Ryan: alright, let me help you in (goes to go to the door) Theresa: no it's ok, I got it (smiles, takes the groceries) Ryan: yeah, you sure Theresa: yeah Ryan: ok Theresa: talk ta Marissa (nods) make this right Ryan: yeah I will Theresa: ok (kisses Ryan on the cheek) take care Ryan: yeah (Theresa goes to the door and opens it) Theresa: (waves) bye (we see Theresa go inside and then Ryan walk away - the next thing we see is Theresa coming in the door, inside. Theresa's mom is there holding a baby {but we can only see it from the back, and only really the blanket} we can hear baby noises as well) Theresa: (puts the groceries down then has a big smile on her face) hi T's mom: somebody missed you (Theresa goes over to her mom and the baby. her mom holds the baby up a little, we see the arms but nothing else) T's mom: oh he looks more an more like his daddy every day (Theresa looks at her mom, then back down at the baby) CUT TO: Summers house - the limousine pulls up out the front. we see Summer waiting. she looks at the door as it begins to open, after a few seconds the door is fully open and Zach steps out. Summer definitely looks disappointed for a second, she smiles but its a sad one. Zach smiles and walks over to her, holding a box Summer: I'm glad its you Zach: I didn't know what magenta was so I got you white (holds out the corsage) Summer: perfect (smiles) CUT TO: The prom - we see a sculpture of a mermaid sitting in front of a huge clam shell, with a big underwater back drop behind it. and different fish, sea horses etc around. a couple stands in front of this and has their photo taken by a photographer. the camera zooms out to show Zach and Summer walking in Zach: (points) we're suppose'ta get our picture taken with the mermaid, I think its mandatory for the year book Summer: ok um (Summer sees Marissa standing by herself, looking bored) Summer: jus give me a second, ok Zach: ok (Summer goes over to Marissa) Summer: Coop (smiles) (Marissa turns around, smiles) hey Marissa: hey Summer: under the O Sea is awesome Marissa: thanks Summer: where's Ryan Marissa: (looks down) he...couldn't make it...he's sick Summer: sick, too sick to take you ta prom, well he better be really sick, like dead because if he's not I'm gonna strangle him with his own wife beater Marissa: its ok, you know I mean I've got plenty ta do anyway (Summer looks at her, worried) ill be ok (smiles and walks off) CUT TO: Al Forno's- we see Reed, Seth and George Lucas sitting at a table. the waiter is also there GL: ill have a seltzer on the rocks with a twist'a lemon Seth: I'm gonna have the same (fascinated) seltzer on the (points) George Lucas drinks seltzer, every-everything you do every little detail to me it's just uh (smiles) I don't know its fascinating GL: you're to kind (Reed smiles) Seth: let me ask you jus one question (puts up a finger) an then I promise we'll get into the...book, um (thinks) how'did you first come up with the light saber (George looks at him) Reed: I'm sure Mr. Lucas doesn't have time for such large scale questions (smiles at George) Seth: ok, fine ill go smaller (frowns) ...did you go to your prom GL: prom (looks at Seth, Seth nods) Reed: (puts her hand to her head) oh my god GL: as in, prom Seth: I just uh it's a personal thing an I was kinda wondering if you went to yours, it'd really help me out GL: well, actually I didn't (Seth puts his hand up as if to say 'I see') I spent my time being creative, drawing ewoks, jar jar binks Seth: good to know, if George Lucas can skip his prom, I can skip mine (Reed looks at him) GL: no now wait a minute, I do regret not going to my prom Seth: really, because it's like a seminal moment GL: exactly (nods) Reed: Mr. Lucas I am so sorry we can get back to the point now GL: (puts up his hands) no no no wait, it would be good for me to talk about this, the prom is a great American tradition (Seth listens) its important to experience the things of being a teenager, when your a teenager (Seth nods) when I went off an made my film American graffiti id never had the experience of a prom an I had to make a movie about it, I felt... hopelessly inadequate without having...really done it myself (Seth looks at Reed) not having ben part of that pivotal moment in teenage life uh I felt very sad an...alone CUT TO: The prom - Summer and Zach are slow dancing together. we hear a buzzing noise Summer: you're buzzing Zach: uh yeah Reeds sending me text messages (frowns) I don't have'ta check em Summer: go ahead (Zach takes his phone out and reads the messages) Zach: oh my god, she's saying George Lucas is checked out, god Seth is totally ignoring the talking points (Summer looks at Zach) he-he always (looks at Summer) I'm-I'm sorry Summer: it's ok Zach: no, its not, this is ridiculous, I'm here...with you at prom, jus like I wanted Summer: if you have'ta talk yourself inta this (frowns) it probably means (shakes her head) you shouldn't be here Zach: I'm your date, even though you didn't want me to be Summer: (looks at Zach) I did want you to be Zach: no (shakes his head) you didn't...I saw your face when I got outta the limo Summer: and I saw yours (nods) you wanna be there talking about your comic book with Reed (Zach looks at her) look my prom fantasy it didn't quite happen but (smiles) you've ben dreaming about this comic book your whole life, this is your shot you should go Zach: I can't abandon you Summer: (looks at Zach, softly) I did it to you Zach: good point (smiles) Summer: go, save Cohen from himself (smiles) (Zach smiles and kisses Summer on the cheek, then he leaves. Summer watches him go with a sad smile) CUT TO: Al Forno's Seth: so we ended up, well we flipped a coin GL: (suprised) you flipped a coin Seth: yeah an you know I know it sounds crazy but at the time- (Seth looks over and sees Zach motioning for him to come over) Seth: will you excuse me for one second, ill be right back (puts up a finger) (Seth gets up from the table - the next thing we see is Seth and Zach out the front together) Seth: hey, you didn't have'ta come here Zach: look, we need'a settle this thing once an for all and I think for the first time you an I both know where we need to be Seth: (realises) you want the comic book (points) Zach: an you want Summer (Seth looks at him) alright (takes his jacket off) ok you don't have much time, so take this Seth: alright (puts the jacket on) wow thanks man CUT TO: Cohen family room - a tired looking Kirsten walks in. . Sandy is already in there Sandy: so movie time, now Seth recommends shaun of the dead, he says it's a very funny romantic zombie comedy (sits on the couch) Kirsten: (laughs) actually I'm pretty wiped out, I'm gonna go soak in a hot bath (we hear the doorbell) Sandy: the foods here Kirsten: (reluctant) ill wait then, I can take a bath later Sandy: (thinks) you know what, go ahead (stands) we can heat the food up when you're done Kirsten: mm thanks (kisses Sandy on the cheek) (Sandy answers the door) Sandy: hey (feels his back pocket) you know what I don't have my wallet, hang on a second (puts up a finger) let me grab some cash (Sandy goes to Kirsten's bag which is nearby. he looks in and pulls out a small bottle of vodka, he looks at the bottle then looks up, shocked) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we see Julie swimming underwater in the pool. she comes up near the edge and sits there. still in the pool but closer to Caleb who is sitting on the edge with his legs dangling in. the margaritas from earlier are also sitting near by Julie: mmm (laughs) (Caleb looks at her) so uh, you about ready for this marg (picks it up) Caleb: why not (goes to drink and stops) you know (Julie looks at him, anxiously) I've never ben in this pool before Julie: well your...more of a land shark Caleb: (laughs then goes to drink) we should've done this...sort of thing more...enjoyed each other more Julie: well we had our moments Caleb: (smiles) I spose this calls for a toast (Julie picks up her drink) you know I-I really did love you, Juju Julie: ooooh, past tense, that stings (looks at Caleb) Caleb: sorry, grammatical error (raises eyebrows) to us (Caleb clinks his glass with Julie, and Julie is just staring. Caleb goes to finally drink) Julie: (panics, yells) wait stop! Caleb: (looks at Julie) what Julie: uh (frowns) I didn't put lime in your drink (takes the glass from Caleb) let me make you a new one Caleb: oh, there's no need (laughs) (Julie ignores him and gets out of the pool. Caleb watches her, almost lovingly. Julie goes over to the sink and tips the drink out) CUT TO: Prom - Marissa and Summer are standing together Summer: well, it looks like we're both flying solo up on prom night Marissa: why what happened to Zach Summer: oh, he went to go save his comic book Marissa: (looks at Summer) are you ok Summer: yeah (nods) so (shrugs) prom was a let down, you know but I bet it is for everybody, it's like new years Marissa: well we could always go back to your house Summer: yeah, curl up with Princess Sparkle, watch the season one of The Valley on DVD Marissa: mm that sounds perfect Summer: yeah (nods) Marissa: come on Summer: alright (they turn around to leave when a guy on stage starts speaking into the mic. they both turn around to look) Emcee: alright it's the moment we've all ben waiting for, its time to announce Harbor schools prom king an queen (everybody cheers and claps. Summer and Marissa look at each other) Emcee: and your prom queen tonight...Summer Roberts, Summer come on up here (more cheers and clapping. Summer closes her eyes in disbelief, Marissa looks worried for her) Summer: oh no, get me outta here (Marissa claps) Emcee: and your prom king...Zach Stevens Summer: I'm makin a run for it (Summer goes to leave but the spotlight gets shone on her) Emcee: now if the king an queen could join me on stage they'll kick off your spotlight dance (Summer slowly turns back around, reluctantly) Emcee: (points) there's the queen we've found her (Summer smiles, Marissa smiles) we're half way there, Summer Roberts come on up here (Summer goes onto the stage with the emcee. we hear whistles and "alright Summer" "yeah Summer" from the crowd. Marissa watches as the emcee places the tiara on Summers head. everyone claps. Summer turns around and smiles. Marissa claps, happy for Summer) Emcee: Zach Stevens we're waiting (Marissa looks worried for Summer. and from the crowd we hear "where's Zach" "Zach where'd you go) Emcee: Zach Stevens we're waiting Summer: (softly) no ones coming (Summer looks down sadly. Marissa looks sad for her. Summer stands on the stage by herself. the shot changes and we see Seth run into the room. Summer notices him and she looks suprised, Marissa also notices him. Seth pushes his way through the crowd and jumps up onto the stage with Summer) Summer: Cohen Seth: (out of breath) I'm sorry I'm late I was...caught in traffic (Summer sort of smiles, while looking at him) I'm on stage (in the crowd we hear a guy yell out "that's not Zach Stevens) Seth: (points) no I'm not Emcee: I think you should step down, you're not the prom king (in the crowd we hear "Seth Cohen's a tool) Seth: (takes the mic) ok, I know I'm not, who you all imagined...as prom king (swallows) seeing as how I'm not who any of you actually voted for but (points) she's the queen (looks at Summer) an I love her...so I guess that that makes me king (points) Summer: Cohen Seth: no I'm jus the guy standing next to you, your the queen (raises eyebrows) alright I'm...the jester, perhaps, if that works (Summer looks at him) so let me ask you this your highness (sincerely) ...what can I do to make it up to you Summer: (smiles) well you- Seth: uh (holds the mic out to Summer) Summer: (touches Seth's hand) well (smiles/laughs) you can start by dancing with me {at this point the song Fix You by Coldplay begins to play. I mention this because it is an amazing song, and it complements the following scenes absolutely perfectly! I will be including the lyrics heard in italics. this song plays through to the end, with a brief break in the last Kirsten/Sandy scene} (Summer smiles, and Seth takes her in his arms as he puts the mic back on its stand. he then gives her a big kiss. in the crowd we hear something like "god he's a tool". they then start to slow dance) Heard over the above scene: When you try your best but you don't succeed (in the crowd Marissa's watches them, sadly. all the couples around her start dancing together and after a few seconds she decides to leave) Heard over the above scene: When you get what you want but not what you need when you feel so tired but you cant sleep, stuck in reverse (we now see Seth and Summer still dancing on stage together. Seth has his hands just above her butt, and she has hers around his waist {aww} the camera zooms out to show all the couples dancing) Heard over the above scene: An the tears come streamin down your face (we are now outside of the prom - Marissa is standing on the grass behind a familiar bench {its the same setting as 104, when she is upset at the Cotillion} Marissa is standing there with his arms folded, looking very lost and lonely. the camera pans to the right and we see Ryan standing near the stairs. Marissa has her back to him) Ryan: Marissa Marissa: (turns around) Ryan (Ryan slowly walks over to Marissa, smiling. Marissa smiles back, almost shyly. Marissa puts her hands around Ryan's neck and Ryan puts his hands on Marissa's waist. Marissa's puts her head on Ryan's shoulder, and Ryan has his buried in Marissa's. they slowly dance together. Marissa has her eyes closed and her hands resting on Ryan's back) Ryan: (softly) sorry I missed prom Marissa: (opens her eyes and then closes them, contently) you're just in time (Ryan wraps his arms around Marissa tighter, and closes his eyes. they continue dancing as the camera zooms out {aww}) Heard over the above scene: When you lose somethin you cant replace when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, an I will try to fix you CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we see a close up of Caleb still sitting beside the pool, he looks almost happy! we then see inside with Julie. she's remaking Caleb's margarita for him - we see Caleb again, he has a smile on his face and then all of a sudden it goes. he looks worried and he grabs his chest and starts leaning forward Caleb: (strained call) Julie (screws up his face) (we see Julie drinking alcohol straight from the bottle) Caleb: (stands, still holding his chest) (a little louder) Julie (Caleb lets go of his chest and tries to grab hold of the side of the pool, he grabs his chest again and falls into the pool head first. we see him fall to the bottom and just lie there. Julie comes out carrying his new margarita) Julie: (stops) Cal (Julie sees Caleb at the bottom of the pool) Julie: (screams) CAL! (Julie drops the margarita and we hear the glass smashing on the concrete, she runs to the pool and dives in. she swims to the bottom and grabs Caleb around the waist, pulling him towards the surface) { I just have to say, Julies scream really shows you how much she cares about him. it gives you chills! and makes you sad} Heard over the above scene: An high up above or down below when your to in love to let it go but if you never try you'll never know just watch an learn Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is in there by himself and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: oh, that moo shoo smells great (smiles) Sandy: what're we gonna do about you Heard over the above scene, then the music stops all together: and I will try to fix you (Kirsten looks at him) Sandy: I found your stash (takes out the bottle of vodka) Kirsten: its just incase Sandy: an I trusted you...I believed you when you said you were done Kirsten: Sandy, I'm doing this my own way Sandy: how...by sneakin around...by lyin to me Kirsten: I jus don't want you ta baby-sit me like I'm some wayward child Sandy: well maybe that's exactly what you need (Kirsten looks at him) right now I feel more like your dad then I feel like your husband (Kirsten looks away from him. the phone rings. Kirsten looks over to it and Sandy gets up to answer it) Sandy: hello...what, Julie...huh (Kirsten looks over, worried) (frowns) wait-wait-wait calm down, wh- say that again (Kirsten looks more worried) oh my god...I understand...of course (hangs up then turns around to face Kirsten, stunned) it's about your father Kirsten: well what is it...(shaky voice) he's alright isn't he (looks at Sandy) Sandy: (moves closer) ...he's dead (Kirsten looks away) I am so sorry (touches Kirsten's arm) (Sandy looks at her helplessly. Kirsten pulls her arm away from him. Sandy puts his hand on her back. Kirsten turns around and picks up the 'just incase' bottle of vodka. she slowly walks passed Sandy and out of the kitchen. she looks emotionless and numb. Sandy just stands there watching her, helplessly) - Fade out

Plan: A: Caleb; Q: Who does Julie toast to? A: her behavior; Q: What do Sandy and Caleb confront Kirsten about? A: Ryan; Q: Who heads home to Chino? A: three; Q: How many people are in Summer's relationship? A: the prom; Q: What event is Summer attending? A: husband; Q: What is Caleb to Julie? A: wife; Q: What is Julie to Caleb? Summary: Sandy and Caleb confront Kirsten about her behavior. Ryan, looking for the truth about Trey and Marissa, heads home to Chino. Meanwhile, Summer won't let her three-way relationship with Zach and Seth get in the way of her attending the prom. And, Julie and Caleb toast to their final evening together as husband and wife.

A recap of 1x04 "Aliens of London" and 1x05 "World War Three". Six month later. INT. LORD MAYOR'S OFFICE Mr Cleaver paces the office. MR CLEAVER (anxiously): I've checked the figures. I've checked them again and again. ALWAYS the same result. The design is not safe. It could result in the death of millions. I beg of you... stop the project right now, before it's too late. MARGARET: Well. Goodness me. Obviously, Mr Cleaver, you're the expert... MR CLEAVER: Then... you'll stop it? MARGARET: Seems I have no choice. (Stomach rumbles noisily, an apologetic smile). Oh... do excuse me. Civic duties leave little time for a sandwich. MR CLEAVER (urgently): But you promise you'll stop it, today? MARGARET: Well of course. Nothing is more important than human life... Her face hardens, and Cleaver looks slightly worried. She makes an effort to lighten her tone. MARGARET (CONT'D): What do you take me for? Some sort of maniac? MR CLEAVER: Why, no... MARGARET: Am I right in thinking you've shown your results only to me? MR CLEAVER: Just to you. No one else. MARGARET (smiles): Wise move. Mr Cleaver, clearly very relieved, takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes, fatigued. MR CLEAVER: I can't tell you Mrs Blaine, this is such a weight off my mind. I've barely slept. I couldn't believe my own readings. He whips a hanky out of his pocket, his backed turned to Margaret, who looks darkly at him and slowly raises a hand to her forehead... MR CLEAVER (CONT'D) The scale of it - destruction like the British Isles has never seen before. He cleans his glasses on the hanky, his back turned to the room so that he does not see the blue light flashing behind him. He squints at the model of the nuclear power station. MR CLEAVER (CONT'D): If I didn't know better, I'd almost think that someone wanted this project to go wrong. As though they intended to wipe this city off the map. (Slowly replaces his glasses). Thank goodness we've got you, our esteemed leader. He turns around, and Margaret is standing right behind him in her true, Slitheen form. She shrieks and grabs his neck with a huge claw, while Mr Cleaver shouts out with terror. OPENING CREDITS EXT. CARDIFF TRAIN STATION A loudspeaker speaks out over a train station. A sign says "Caerdydd Canolog - Cardiff Central". A train pulls up and Mickey alights, looking up at the 'Way Out sign. EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE Mickey makes his way across Millennium Centre Square to where the TARDIS is parked in front of the silver water sculpture. He knocks on the door. It swings open almost immediately, and Jack pops his head out. JACK (without hesitation): Who the hell are you? MICKEY (rudely): What d'you mean, who the hell am I? Who the hell are you ? JACK: Captain Jack Harkness. Whatever your selling, we're not buying. MICKEY: Get out of my way! He barges past Jack into the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS JACK (shutting the door): Don't tell me, this must be Mickey. The Doctor is way up in the gantries, standing on a ladder. He appears to be carrying out maintenance work on the TARDIS. He has a red flashing light strapped to his forehead and looks extremely dorky. Rose is standing by the console. THE DOCTOR (cheerily): Here comes trouble! How're you doing, Ricky boy? MICKEY: It's Mickey! ROSE: Don't listen to him, he's winding you up. MICKEY: You look fantastic. They both grin broadly and give each other a big hug. JACK: Aww, sweet, look at these two. How come I never get any of that? THE DOCTOR: Buy me a drink first. JACK: You're such hard work. THE DOCTOR: But worth it. He grins in an extremely self-satisfied way. ROSE (to Mickey): Did you manage to find it? MICKEY (hands her passport over): There you go. ROSE (grins at the Doctor, brandishing the passport): I can go anywhere now! THE DOCTOR: I told you, you don't need a passport! ROSE: It's all very well going to platform one and Justicia and the Glass Pyramid of San Kloon but what if we end up in Brazil? I might need it. You see, I'm prepared for anything. She sticks her tongue out, smiling. MICKEY: Sounds like your staying, then. Awkward silence. The Doctor looks between them curiously. Mickey smiles, attempting to lighten the atmosphere again. MICKEY: So, what're you doing in Cardiff? And who the hell's Jumping Jack Flash? I mean, I don't mind you hanging out with big-ears up there. THE DOCTOR: Oi! MICKEY: Look in the mirror. The Doctor shakes his head and turns back to his work. MICKEY (CONT'D): But this guy, I dunno, he's kinda... JACK: Handsome? MICKEY: More like cheesy. JACK: Early 21st Century slang. IIs cheesy good or bad? MICKEY: Its bad. JACK: But bad means good, isn't that right? THE DOCTOR (tottering down the ladder): Are you saying I'm not handsome? Everyone ignores him. ROSE (to Mickey): We just stopped off. We need to refuel. Thing is, Cardiff's got this rift running through the middle of the city. It's invisible, but it's like an earthquake fault between different dimensions... THE DOCTOR: The rift was healed back in 1869... ROSE: Thanks to a girl named Gwyneth, 'cos these creatures called the Gelth, they were using the rift as a gateway but she saved the world and closed it. From the look on his face, Mickey is finding this hard to follow. JACK: But closing a rift always leaves a scar, and that scar generates energy, harmless to the Human Race. THE DOCTOR: But perfect for the TARDIS, so just park it here for a couple of days right on top of the scar and... JACK: Open up the engines, soak up the radiation... ROSE: Like filling her up with petrol and off we go! JACK (hi-fives Rose): Into time! THE DOCTOR, ROSE, JACK (the Doctor and Rose hi-five): And space! ROSE: Whoo! MICKEY (staring at them in disbelief): My God, have you seen yourselves? You all think you're so clever, don't you? THE DOCTOR: Yeah! ROSE: Yeah! JACK: Yep! Jack gives Mickey a friendly slap on the cheek. EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE They all bundle out of the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: Should take another twenty-four hours, which means we've got time to kill. MICKEY: That old lady's staring. JACK: Probably wondering what four people could do inside a small wooden box... He pats the Doctor suggestively on the shoulder. The Doctor, Jack and Rose snigger. MICKEY: What are you captain of? The Innuendo Squad? Jack makes the 'whatever' sign and heads off. MICKEY (CONT'D): Wait! Er, the TARDIS, we can't just leave it. Doesn't it get noticed? JACK: Yeah, what's with the police box? Why does it look like that? ROSE (complacently): It's a cloaking device. THE DOCTOR: It's called a chameleon circuit. The TARDIS is meant to disguise itself wherever it lands, like if this was Ancient Rome, it'd be a statue on a plinth or something. But I landed in the 1960s, it disguised itself as a police box, and the circuit got stuck. MICKEY: So it copied a real thing? There actually was police boxes? THE DOCTOR: Yeah, on street corners. Phone for help before they had radios and mobiles. If they arrested someone, they could shove them inside until help came. Like a little prison cell. JACK (leaning towards him): Why don't you just fix the circuit? THE DOCTOR: I like it! Don't you? ROSE (patting it for emphasis): I LOVE it! MICKEY (grinning, thinks he has proved a point): But that's what I meant! There's no police boxes anymore, so doesn't it get noticed? THE DOCTOR: Ricky, let me tell you something about the Human Race. You put a mysterious blue box slap bang in the middle of town and what do they do? He puts his hands on Mickey's shoulders. Mickey open his mouth to reply, but doesn't get a chance. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Walk past it. Now stop your nagging, let's go and explore! He walks off, linking his hand with Rose's. Mickey and Jack follow. ROSE: What's the plan? THE DOCTOR: I don't know! Cardiff. Early 21st Century. Rose bounces up and down excitedly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And the wind's coming from the... East. Trust me, safest place in the universe. INT. TOWN HALL, EXHIBITION ROOM Margaret stands on a podium holding a glass of champagne and addressing a room full of civic dignitaries, journalists and waiters and waitresses. MARGARET: This Nuclear Power station right in the heart of Cardiff City will bring jobs for all! (Climbs down from the podium, moves towards the miniature of the nuclear power station). As you can see, as Lord Mayor, I've had to sanction some radical redevelopments... A camera flashes and Margaret throws her hand up in front of her face. MARGARET (CONT'D) (angrier than the occasion warrants): No photographs! What did I say? Take pictures of the project by all means, but not me, thank you. (Smiles, addresses the room at large). So. Cardiff Castle will be demolished allowing the Blaidd Drwg Project to rise up, tall and proud. A monument to Welsh industry. And yes, some of you might shiver. The words "nuclear power station" and "major population centre" aren't exactly the happiest of bedfellows. But I give you my personal guarantee that as long as I walk upon this earth, no harm will come to any of my citizens. Now drink up. A toast - to the future! She raises her glass and the rest of the room follow suit. ALL: To the future! MARGARET: And believe me... it will glow. After a smattering of polite applause, the guests begin to mingle. A journalist named Cathy Salt hurries over to Margaret. CATHY: Excuse me, Mrs Blaine? My name's Cathy Salt, I represent the Cardiff Gazette. MARGARET: I'm sorry, I'm not doing interviews. I can't bear self publicity. She begins to turn away. CATHY: But are you aware of the curse? MARGARET (looking her up and down with a fixed, fake smile): Whatever do you mean? Cathy, wasn't it? CATHY: Cathy Salt. That's what some of your engineers are saying. That the Blaidd Drwg Project is cursed. MARGARET: Sounds rather silly to me. CATHY: That's what I thought. I was just chasing a bit of local colour. But the funny thing is, when you start piecing it all together, it does begin to look a bit odd... MARGARET (coldly): In what way? CATHY: The deaths! The number of deaths associated with this project. First of all, there was the entire team of the European Safety Inspectors... MARGARET: But they were French! Its not my fault if "Danger, Explosives! " was only written in Welsh. She turns her back on Cathy, but Cathy persists. CATHY: And then there was that accident with the Cardiff Heritage Committee... MARGARET: The electrocution of that swimming pool was put down to natural wear and tear. CATHY: And then, the Architect? MARGARET (softly): It was raining, visibility was low, my car simply couldn't stop. CATHY: And then just recently, Mr Cleaver, the government's nuclear adviser... MARGARET: Slipped on an icy patch. CATHY: He was decapitated. MARGARET: It was a very icy patch. I'm afraid these stories are nothing more than typical small town thinking. I really haven't got time. Now, if you'll excuse me... She makes to go, but Cathy still persists and hurries round in front of Margaret, blocking her way. CATHY: Except, before he died, Mr Cleaver posted some of his findings online. MARGARET (interested, now): Did he, now? CATHY: If you know where to look. He was concerned about the reactor. MARGARET (attempting to laugh it off): Oh! All that technical stuff! CATHY: Specifically, that the design of the suppression pool would cause the hydrogen recombiners to fail, precipitating in the collapse in the containment isolation system resulting in a meltdown. MARGARET: Who's been doing her homework? CATHY: That's my job. MARGARET (prodding Cathy's necklace): I think... Cathy Salt... I think you and I should have a word in private. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR Margaret is practically dragging Cathy out of the doors and along a corridor, still with a deadly sweet smile on her face. Her stomach rumbles loudly. MARGARET: Ooh! My little tum is complaining. I think we might have to make a detour to the ladies. CATHY: I'll wait here. MARGARET (grabbing her hand and pulling her along): Oh, come on. All girls together! Margaret pulls Cathy into the ladies. INT. TOWN HALL, LADIES TOILETS MARGARET: So, you were saying? These outlandish theories of yours? She hurries into a cubicle and shuts the door, leaving Cathy to wait outside. A wet farting noise sounds from inside. CATHY: Sounds like we got here just in time. MARGARET: Continue. CATHY: Well, I don't know much about nuclear physics. But from what I could make out, Cleaver was saying that the whole project could go up... Inside the cubicle, Margaret begins to unzip her forehead with an evil smile on her face. CATHY (CONT'D): ... worse than Chernobyl. (Notices the flickering blue light from under the toilet door). Is there something wrong with the lights? MARGARET: Oh, they're always on the blink. I can't tell you how many memos I've sent. So, Chernobyl... CATHY: Apparently. But a thousand times worse. Margaret begins to wiggle out of her body suit. CATHY (CONT'D): I know it sounds absurd, there must be so many safety regulations. But Cleaver seemed to be talking about a nuclear holocaust. He almost made it sound deliberate. I mean, we're hardly the Sunday Times, it's only the Cardiff Gazzette, but we have a duty to report the facts. SLITHEEN / MARGARET: And you're going to print this information? CATHY: Are you all right? You sound a bit... MARGARET: Sore throat. (Affected cough). Just a little tickle. But tell me, do you intend to make this information public? CATHY: I have to. MARGARET (menacingly): So be it. She raises a claw ready to push the door open. CATHY (walking to the sinks): Mind you, my boyfriend thinks I'm mad. Margaret lowers her claw, listening. CATHY (CONT'D) (checking her reflection): We're getting married next month. And he says if I cause a fuss, I could lose my job. Just when we need the money... MARGARET: ... Boyfriend? CATHY (smiling): Jeffery. Civil Servant. He's nothing exciting, but he's mine. MARGARET: When's the wedding? CATHY (turns away from the mirror): The nineteenth. It's really just to stop my mother from nagging, but the baby sort of clinched it, I suppose. Margaret slowly sits down on the toilet. MARGARET: You're with... child? CATHY: Three months. It's not showing yet. Wasn't planned. It was an accident. Nice accident, though. She smiling, just thinking about it. MARGARET: Congratulations. CATHY: Thank you. How about you? You got any kids? MARGARET: No... CATHY: Is there a Mr Blaine? MARGARET (voice trembling): Not anymore. I'm all on my own. I had quite a sizeable family, once upon a time, wonderful brothers. Oh, they were bold. But all of them gone now. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm cursed. CATHY (consolingly): No, no... I don't think so. Not really. MARGARET: You're very kind. If you don't mind, I might be a while. You run along. Perhaps we could do this another day. CATHY: Are you all right? MARGARET: Fine! CATHY: Okay, I'll tell you what, uh, I'll leave my details with your office. Thanks for talking. MARGARET (sadly): Thank you... Cathy leaves, glancing back at the door of the cubicle as she goes. When she is gone, Margaret gives a quiet moan of sorrow, lowering her head and closing her eyes with misery. EXT. CARDIFF BAY, RESTAURANT The Doctor, Rose, Jack and Mickey are sitting at a table having a thoroughly good time as Jack tells them all an exciting story. JACK ; I swear, six feet tall and with tusks... THE DOCTOR: You're lying through your teeth! ROSE: I'd've gone bonkers! That's the word, bonkers! JACK: I mean, it turns out the white things are tusks and I mean tusks! And it's woken, and it's not happy... THE DOCTOR: How could you not know it was there? JACK: And we're standing there, fifteen of us, naked... ROSE: Naked?! JACK: And I'm like, oh, no, no, it's got nothing to do with me! And then it roars, and we are running. Oh my God, we are running! And Brakovitch falls, so I turn to him and I say... MICKEY: I knew we should've turned left! They all roar with laughter at this punchline. JACK: That's my line! ROSE: I don't believe you, I don't believe a word you say ever, that is so brilliant! The Doctor glances over at a newspaper an old man nearby is reading, and the smile instantly fades from his face. Unnoticed by the others, he stands. ROSE (CONT'D): Did you ever get your clothes back? JACK: No, I just picked him up went right for the ship, full throttle, didn't stop until I hit the spacelanes, I was shaking! It was unbelievable, I'm freaking out and by the time I got there I was fifteen light-years away I was like this! While Jack is prattling on, the Doctor pulls the paper out of the old man's hands and looks at the front page. He looks up, face troubled. THE DOCTOR: And I was having such a nice day. And he holds up the paper and shows them the headline: New Mayor, New Cardiff, complete with a picture of Margaret as she objected to the photographer taking her picture. EXT. TOWN HALL The four of them stride purposefully up the steps to the town hall, headquarters of the Mayor. INT. TOWN HALL, STAIRCASE They enter and go up the steps into the entrance hall as though they own the place. They stop and glance around at their surroundings. JACK: According to intelligence, the target is the last surviving member of the Slitheen family, a criminal sect from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorious, masquerading as a human being, zipped inside a skin suit. Okay, plan of attack, we assume a basic fifty seven/fifty six strategy, covering all available exits on the ground floor. Doctor, you go face-to-face, that'll designate Exit One, I'll cover Exit Two, Rose, you're Exit Three, Mickey Smith, you take Exit Four. Have you got that? While Jack is rattling all this off, the Doctor is eyeing him with mild surprise at his impertinence, Rose's face is contorted with the effort of understanding what on earth he's going on about, and Mickey just looks plain confused. THE DOCTOR (sternly): Excuse me. Who's in charge? JACK: Sorry. Awaiting orders, sir. THE DOCTOR (voice deepening with authority): Right. Here's the plan. (A pause. He beams). Like he said. Nice plan. Anything else? JACK: Present arms. They each pull out a mobile phone. THE DOCTOR / ROSE / MICKEY: Ready! JACK: Speed dial? Each press a button with a beep. THE DOCTOR: Yup. ROSE: Ready. MICKEY: Check. JACK (lazy grin): See ya in hell. He walks off to the right, the Doctor and Rose head off to different exits straight ahead, and Mickey hesitates with confusion for a few moments before ambling off to the left. INT. LORD MAYOR'S OUTER OFFICE The Doctor strides over to the Secretary sat behind a desk outside the Mayor's office, Idris Hopper. THE DOCTOR: Hello! I've come to see the Lord Mayor. IDRIS: Have you got an appointment? THE DOCTOR: Nope, just an old friend passing by, bit of a surprise, can't wait to see her face! IDRIS: Well, she's just having a cup of tea. THE DOCTOR: Just go in there, and tell her the Doctor would like to see her. IDRIS: Doctor who? THE DOCTOR: Just the Doctor. Tell her exactly that. The Doctor. IDRIS (standing up resignedly): Hold on a tick... Idris enters the office, and the Doctor stands with his hands behind his back and waits serenely. He barely raises an eyebrow when he hears the sound of a teacup smashing. Idris reappears, slightly flustered, and opening the door as little as possible before squeezing through it and shutting it behind him. IDRIS: The Lord Mayor says thank you fo...- for popping by... she'd love to have a chat, but, um... she's up to her eyes in paperwork. Perhaps if you could make an appointment for next week...? THE DOCTOR: She's climbing out of the window, isn't she? IDRIS: Yes, she is. The Doctor nods smugly and pushes past him into the office. INT. LORD MAYOR'S OFFICE He dashes across the room to the open window and hurries out on the balcony. EXT. LORD MAYOR'S OFFICE, BALCONY The Doctor emerges just in time to see Margaret hop over onto the scaffolding. THE DOCTOR (to the others, into his mobile): Slitheen heading North. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 1 ROSE (starting to run): On my way. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 2 JACK (also running): Over and out. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 3 MICKEY (stunned): Oh my God. EXT. LORD MAYOR'S OFFICE, BALCONY Idris rushes out onto the balcony and starts grappling with the Doctor. IDRIS: Leave the Mayor alone! INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 1 Rose runs down a corridor and pushes past two secretaries in her hurry, sending paperwork flying. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 2 A tea lady shrieks as Jack does a running jump clean over her tea trolley. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 3 Mickey clicks off his mobile, eyes wide, and finally starts to run... straight into a cleaning trolley, sending the entire thing flying. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 1 Rose bursts out of an exit. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 2 Jack bursts out of another exit. INT. TOWN HALL, CORRIDOR 3 Mickey clomps along a corridor with his right foot stuck inside a mop-bucket, toilet roll trailing behind him. EXT. LORD MAYOR'S OFFICE, BALCONY As the Doctor and Idris continue with their tussle, Margaret hops off the scaffolding at the bottom and takes off her brooch. EXT. BACK OF TOWN HALL Margaret turns, ready to make her escape, but Rose is running towards her, blocking the way. She hisses angrily and pulls of an earring. She turns her head the other way, and Jack is running towards her. Her eyes widen with shock and she runs back the way she came, but the Doctor has managed to throw Idris off and he's on his way down the scaffolding. THE DOCTOR (calling mockingly): Margaret! But there's a fourth exit, and she's belting down it as fast as her fat legs can carry her, pulling off her second earring. Jack, Rose and the Doctor converge at one end. JACK: Who was on Exit Four?! ROSE: That was Mickey! MICKEY (finally catching up, panting): Here I am! THE DOCTOR: Mickey the idiot. ROSE (staring after her)Oh, be fair, she's not exactly gonna outrun us, is she? But Margaret, smiling to herself, clips her brooch and the two earrings together and she vanishes in blue light with a small ting. JACK: She's got a teleport! That's cheating! Now we're never gonna get her! ROSE: Oh, the Doctor's very good with teleports. And the Doctor, who has produced his sonic screwdriver from his jacket pocket, holds it in the air with a dopey grin and clicks it once. Margaret reappears, and this time she's much closer and running straight at them, still with the self-satisfied smile on her face. It fades as soon as she realises where she is, and she grinds to a halt and hurriedly changes direction while pressing her device together. She vanishes again, and the Doctor clicks his screwdriver again. She reappears, again running towards them. She turns around, vanishes again, and again, the Doctor clicks his sonic screwdriver causing her to reappear, and this time she's right in front of them, absolutely exhausted and gasping for breath. She gives up. THE DOCTOR (cheerily): I could do this all day. MARGARET (puts her hands up): This is persecution. Why can't you leave me alone? What did I ever do to you? THE DOCTOR: You tried to kill me and destroy this entire planet. MARGARET (dismissively): Apart from that. INT. TOWN HALL, EXHIBITION ROOM The Doctor, Rose, Jack, Mickey and Margaret enter. THE DOCTOR (to Margaret): So, you're a Slitheen, you're on Earth, you're trapped. Your family get killed but you teleport out, just in the nick of time. You have no means of escape. What do you do? You build a nuclear power station. He gestures at the model in the middle of the room while Rose and Jack examine it with interest. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): But what for? MARGARET: A philanthropic gesture. I've learnt the error of my ways. THE DOCTOR: And it just so happens to be right on top of the rift. MARGARET: What rift would that be? JACK: A rift in space and time. If this power station went into meltdown, the entire planet would go schwwwupboom! THE DOCTOR (looking down at the model): This station is designed to explode the minute it reaches capacity. ROSE: Didn't anyone notice? Isn't there someone in London checking this sort of stuff? MARGARET: We're in Cardiff. London doesn't care! The South Wales coast could fall into the sea and they wouldn't notice... Oh... I sound like a Welshman. God help me, I've gone native. MICKEY: But why would she do that? A great big explosion, she'd only end up killing herself. MARGARET: She's got a name, you know. MICKEY: She's not even a she, she's a... thing. THE DOCTOR (eyeing Margaret): Oh, but she's clever... And in one swift movement, he has prised the middle section off the model and flipped it over, revealing a giant circuit board underneath. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Fantastic. JACK (excitedly): Is that a tribophysical waveform macro-kinetic extrapolator?! THE DOCTOR: Couldn't have put it better myself. JACK (taking it off him for a better look): Ooh, genius! The Doctor's attention seems to be caught by something on the far wall, the poster for the project, bearing the words "Blaidd Drwg". JACK (CONT'D) (to Margaret): You didn't build this. MARGARET: I have my hobbies. A little tinkering... JACK: No, no, no, I mean, you really didn't build this. Way beyond you. MICKEY: I bet she stole it. MARGARET: It fell into my hands. ROSE: Is it a weapon? Jack places the extrapolator down on the floor. JACK: It's transport. You see, the reactor blows, the rift opens, phenomenal cosmic disaster, but this thing shrouds you in a forcefield, you have this energy bubble, zzhum, so you're safe. Then you feed it coordinates, stand on top, and ride the concussion all the way out of the solar system. MICKEY: It's a surfboard! JACK: A pan-dimensional surfboard, yeah. MARGARET (bitterly): And it would've worked. I would've surfed away from this dead-end dump and back to civilisation. MICKEY (incredulous): You'd blow up a whole planet just to get a lift? MARGARET: Like stepping on an anthill. THE DOCTOR (staring up at the poster): How'd you think of the name? MARGARET: What, Blaidd Drwg? It's Welsh. THE DOCTOR: I know, but how did you think of it? MARGARET: Chose it at random, that's all I dunno. Just sounded good. Does it matter? THE DOCTOR (turning around, brow furrowed): Blaidd Drwg. ROSE: What's it mean? THE DOCTOR: Bad Wolf. ROSE (haunted): But I've heard that before, Bad Wolf. I've heard that lots of times... THE DOCTOR: Everywhere we go. Two words. Following us. Bad Wolf. ROSE: How can they be following us? The Doctor stares into space for a few more seconds, then... THE DOCTOR: Nah! Just a coincidence! Like hearing a word on the radio then hearing it all day. Never mind! Things to do. (Claps his hands briskly). Margaret, we're gonna take you home. JACK: Hold on, isn't that the easy option, like letting her go? ROSE (gleefully): I don't believe it! We actually get to go to Raxa... The Doctor rolls his eyes. ROSE (CONT'D) (indignantly): Wait a minute! Raxacor... THE DOCTOR: Raxacoricofallapatorius. ROSE (walking slowly towards the Doctor): Raxacorico... THE DOCTOR: ... fallapatorius. ROSE: Raxacoricofallapatorius! She screeches in delight. THE DOCTOR (yelling joyfully): That's it! They throw their arms around each other and he picks her up and spins her. ROSE (squeaking happily): I did it! MARGARET: They have the death penalty. Nasty silence. All smiles fade. MARGARET (CONT'D): The family Slitheen was tried in its absence many years ago and found guilty. With no chance of appeal. According to the statutes of government, the moment I return, I am to be executed. What do you make of that, Doctor? (Holds the Doctor's cold stare). Take me home and you take me to my death. THE DOCTOR (indifferently): Not my problem. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS Darkness has now fallen, and they have taken Margaret back to the TARDIS. MARGARET (in wonder) : This ship is impossible! It's superb. How do you get the outside around the inside? THE DOCTOR: Like I'd give you the secret, yeah. MARGARET: I almost feel better about being defeated. We never stood a chance. This is the technology of the Gods. THE DOCTOR: Don't worship me, I'd make a very bad God. You wouldn't get a day off, for starters... Jack, how we doing, big fella? Jack is on the floor next to the console, wiring the extrapolator up to the TARDIS. JACK: This extrapolator's top of the range. (Peers around at Margaret). Where did you get it? MARGARET: Oh, I don't know... some airlock sale...? JACK: Must've been a great big heist. It's stacked with power. THE DOCTOR: But we can use it for fuel? JACK: It's not compatible... but it should knock off about twelve hours. We'll be ready to go by morning. THE DOCTOR: Then we're stuck here. Overnight. MARGARET: I'm in no hurry... ROSE: We've got a prisoner! The police box is really... a police box. MARGARET (smiling unpleasantly): You're not just police, though. Since you're taking me to my death, that makes you my executioners. Each and every one of you... MICKEY (coldly): Well, you deserve it. MARGARET: You're very quick to say so. You're very quick to soak your hands in my blood. Which makes you better than me, how, exactly...? Mickey has no answer to this. MARGARET (CONT'D): Long night ahead... The Doctor eyes her beadily as she takes her time walking around the console to sit elegantly in one of the seats. MARGARET (CONT'D): Let's see who can look me in the eye. She fixes Mickey with a calm, collected gaze. He manages to hold it for a few seconds before averting his eyes uncomfortably. Next, she looks at Rose who glances guiltily at the Doctor, who glances up only for a second as he is still working busily, but still very aware of the atmosphere. EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE Mickey is standing alone outside the TARDIS in front of the water feature. Rose steps out of the TARDIS and joins him. ROSE: S'freezing out here! MICKEY (nodding towards the TARDIS): Better than in there. (A pause as Mickey gathers his thoughts together). She does deserve it. She's a Slitheen. I don't care. It's... it's just... weird, in that box. ROSE (grinning tentatively): I didn't really need my passport... Meaning, she wanted to see him. Mickey smiles, obviously pleased. She nudges him playfully, and he nudges her back with a grin. MICKEY: I've been thinking, you know... we could... go and have a drink. Have a pizza or something. Just you and me. ROSE (nodding): That'd be nice. MICKEY: And, I mean, if the TARDIS can't leave until morning, we could... Rose nods as he speaks, listening. Mickey looks slightly bashful. MICKEY (CONT'D): ... go to a hotel? Spend the night? I mean, if you want to! I, I've got some money. ROSE (smiling) : Okay. Yeah. MICKEY (as though he can't believe it): Is that all right? ROSE (laughing): Yeah! MICKEY (very pleased): Cool. There's a couple of bars around here, we should give 'em a go.(indicates TARDIS). And do you have to go and tell him? ROSE: It's none of his business. INT. TARDIS On the TARDIS scanner, the Doctor watches Rose and Mickey walking away hand in hand. JACK: So, what's on? The Doctor's head jerks around and he hurriedly turns the screen off. THE DOCTOR (quickly): Nothing, just... Margaret is sitting with her back to the console, on the metal grilling. MARGARET (darkly): I gather it's not always like this... having to wait. (Pause as she considers this). I bet you're always the first to leave, Doctor. Never mind the consequences, off you go. You butchered my family and then ran for the stars, am I right? But not this time. At last, you have consequences... how does it feel? THE DOCTOR: I didn't butcher them. JACK: Don't answer back. That's what she wants. THE DOCTOR (needing him to understand): I didn't! (To Margaret): What about you? You had an emergency teleport, you didn't zap them to safety, did you? MARGARET: It only carries one. I had to fly without coordinates. I ended up on a skip in the Isle of Dogs. The Doctor and Jack snigger. MARGARET (CONT'D) (sharply): It wasn't funny! THE DOCTOR (sheepishly): Sorry. But Margaret turns around, and they're both still grinning their heads off. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It is a bit funny! The Doctor and Jack start laughing again - and Margaret joins in. MARGARET (more relaxed): Do I get a last request? THE DOCTOR (humour gone): Depends what it is. MARGARET: I grew quite fond of my little human life. All those rituals... the brushing of the teeth, and the complicated way they cook things... there's a little restaurant. Just round the bay. The Doctor glances around at her. MARGARET (CONT'D): It became quite a favourite of mine. The Doctor walks towards her and leans over the railings to talk to her properly. THE DOCTOR: Is that what you want? A last meal? MARGARET (defiantly) : Don't I have rights? JACK: Oh, like she's not gonna try to escape. MARGARET (bitterly): Except I can never escape the Doctor, so where's the danger? (She considers the Doctor, a challenger). But I wonder if you could do it? To sit with a creature you're about to kill and take supper. How strong is your stomach? THE DOCTOR: Strong enough. MARGARET: I wonder. I've seen you fight your enemies... now dine with them. THE DOCTOR: You won't change my mind. MARGARET: Prove it. The Doctor is sorely tempted, he wants to see what can become of this. But... THE DOCTOR (walking away): There are people out there. If you slip away just for one second, they'll be in danger. JACK: Except... I've got these. (Holds up a pair of metal hoops, like bangles). You both wear one. If she moves... more than ten feet away... He makes a loud buzzing noise, mimicking an electric shock. Margaret jumps in alarm. JACK (CONT'D): She gets zapped by ten thousand volts. THE DOCTOR: Margaret, would you like to come out to dinner? My treat? MARGARET (sickly smile) : Dinner in bondage... works for me. EXT. RESTAURANT The Doctor and Margaret enter the restaurant, chatting away and holding hands because of the handcuffs. INT. TARDIS Jack is lying on his back halfway underneath the console, happily wiring the extrapolator up the the TARDIS. EXT. CARDIFF BAY Rose and Mickey walk along the pavement past a restaurant, chatting. INT. RESTAURANT The Doctor and Margaret take their seats. INT. TARDIS The lights on the extrapolator flash and Jack watches it with a big smile on his face. INT. RESTAURANT The Doctor and Margaret are reading their menus. MARGARET: Here we are, out on a date, and you haven't even asked my proper name. THE DOCTOR: It's not a date! What's your name? MARGARET: Blon. I am Blon Fel Fotch Passameer-Day Slitheen. That's what it'll say on my death certificate. THE DOCTOR: Nice to meet you, Blon. MARGARET: I'm sure. The Doctor goes back to reading the menu, but Margaret has put hers down. She looks out of the window. MARGARET (CONT'D): Look... that's where I was living as Margaret. The Doctor turns around in his seat to follow her gaze. MARGARET (CONT'D): Nice little flat. Over there. On the top. Next to the one with the light on. Behind the Doctor's back, she opens her ring and empties some sort of powder into his wine glass. MARGARET (CONT'D): Two bedrooms... bayside view... The Doctor turns back around to face her, and she is sitting as normal. MARGARET (CONT'D): I was rather content. Don't suppose I'll see it again. And the Doctor swaps their glasses around. THE DOCTOR: Suppose not. He returns his attention to the menu. MARGARET (sarcastically): Thank you. THE DOCTOR (matching her sarcasm): Pleasure. MARGARET: Tell me then, Doctor, what do you know of our species? THE DOCTOR: Only what I've seen. MARGARET: Did you know, for example... in extreme cases... when her life is in danger... a female Raxacoricofallapatorian can manufacture a poison dart within her own finger... She suddenly points her finger at him and a dart flies out of its tip - but the Doctor is ready. He catches it in his fist without so much as looking up from the menu. THE DOCTOR: Yes, I did. MARGARET (pleasantly): Just checking. The Doctor grins at her. MARGARET (CONT'D): And one more thing... between you and me... She casts a furtive look around the restaurant, and they both lean in as if she wants to tell him a secret. MARGARET (CONT'D) (whispers): As a final resort, the excess poison can be exhaled through the lungs. She suddenly breaths a green gas out of her mouth. Without even flinching, the Doctor whips out a Gold Spot and gives her open mouth a squirt. THE DOCTOR :That's better. He leans back in his seat, while Margaret sticks her tongue out at the taste of the breath freshener. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now then, what d'you think? Mmm, steak looks nice. Steak and chips! Margaret, peeved, opens her menu. EXT. CARDIFF BAY Rose and Mickey are going down a set of steps near the bay. Rose is chatting away enthusiastically to him, but although he is trying to appear so, he really doesn't seem interested. ROSE: The Doctor took me to this planet a while back, it was much colder than this, they called it "Woman Wept". The planet was actually called "Woman Wept". 'Cos, if you looked at it, right, from above, there's like this huge continent, like all curved round... sort of looked like a woman, you know... lamenting. Oh my God, and we went to this beach, right, no people, no buildings, just this beach like, a thousand miles across! And something had happened, something to do with the sun, I don't know, but the sea had just frozen! Like, in a split second in the middle of a storm, right, waves and foam, just frozen! All the way out to the horizon. Midnight, right, we walk underneath these waves a hundred feet tall, made of ice. MICKEY: I'm going out with Trisha Delaney. They are now leaning on the railings near the water. Mickey has long since given up trying to look interested in what she is saying. Rose stares at him. ROSE (wrong-footed) : Right... that's nice... Trisha from the shop? MICKEY: Yeah, Rob Delany's sister. ROSE: Well, she's nice... she's a bit big... MICKEY: She lost weight. (Looks at her, trying to justify himself). You've been away. ROSE: Well, good for you. She's nice. MICKEY (more relaxed): So, tell us more about this planet, then. ROSE: That was it, really... And they walk away in silence, worlds apart. INT. RESTAURANT Margaret is openly trying to get through to the Doctor, now. MARGARET: Public execution is a slow death. They prepare a thin acetic acid... lower me into the cauldron... and boil me. The acidity is perfectly gauged to strip away the skin. Internal organs fall out into the liquid. And I become soup. And still alive. Still screaming. THE DOCTOR: I don't make the law. MARGARET: But you deliver it. (No reply). Will you stay to watch? THE DOCTOR (resignedly): What else can I do? MARGARET: The Slitheen family's huge. There's a lot more of us, all scattered off-world. Take me to them. Take me somewhere safe. THE DOCTOR: But then you'll just start again. MARGARET (whispers): I promise I won't. THE DOCTOR: You've been in that skin-suit too long. You've forgotten. There used to be a real Margaret Blaine. You killed her and stripped her and used the skin. You're pleading for mercy out of a dead woman's lips. MARGARET: Perhaps I have got used to it. A human life. An ordinary life. That's all I'm asking. The Doctor fixes her under his gaze. MARGARET (CONT'D): Give me a chance, Doctor... I can change. THE DOCTOR: I don't believe you. She sighs, defeated. EXT. CARDIFF BAY Rose is standing by the railings looking out across the water, while Mickey is sat with his back to her on a bench. MICKEY: So, what d'you wanna do now? ROSE: Don't mind. MICKEY: We could ask about hotels... ROSE: What would Trisha Delaney say? MICKEY: S'pose. (Pause. He points). There's a bar down there with a Spanish name or something... ROSE (turning on him with sudden anger): You don't even like Trisha Delaney! MICKEY: Oh, is that right? What the hell do you know? ROSE: I know you. And I know her, and I know that's never gonna happen. So who do you think you're kidding?! MICKEY: At least I know where she is! Rose nods, now understanding. ROSE: There we are, then. It's got nothing to do with Trisha. This is all about me, isn't it... MICKEY: (standing with sudden fury): You left me! He stands in front of her, and she is silent. MICKEY (CONT'D) (upset) : We were nice. We were happy. And then what, you give me a kiss and you run off with him and you make me feel like nothing, Rose. I was nothing. Rose stares. Mickey's eyes begin to fill with tears. MICKEY (CONT'D) (tearful): I can't even go out with a stupid girl from a shop because you pick up the phone and I comes running. I mean, is that what I am, Rose? Standby? Rose shakes her head silently. MICKEY (CONT'D) : Am I just supposed to sit here for the rest of my life, waiting for you? Because I will. ROSE (quietly): I'm sorry. Mickey leans against the railings. She touches his arm, but he shakes her off. INT. RESTAURANT MARGARET: I promise you, I've changed since we last met, Doctor. There was this girl... just today... young thing. Something of a danger. She was getting too close. I felt the blood lust rising, just as the family taught me, I was going to kill her without a thought. And then... I stopped. She's alive somewhere right now, she's walking around this city because I can change, I did change. I know I can't prove it... THE DOCTOR (calmly): I believe you. MARGARET: Then you know I'm capable of better. THE DOCTOR: It doesn't mean anything. MARGARET: I spared her life. THE DOCTOR: You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared. Because she smiled... because he's got freckles... 'cos they begged... and that's how you live with yourself. That's how you slaughter millions. Because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction... you happen to be kind. MARGARET (coldly): Only a killer would know that. Pause. Not the answer the Doctor was expecting, and he's thrown. MARGARET (CONT'D): Is that right? From what I've seen, your happy-go-lucky little life leaves devastation in its wake. Always moving on 'cos you dare not look back. Playing with so many peoples lives, you might as well be a God. The Doctor loses eye contact, slightly hurt. MARGARET (CONT'D): And you're right, Doctor... you're absolutely right. Sometimes... you let one go. She looks into the Doctor's eyes, her own full of tears. MARGARET (CONT'D) (softly): Let me go. She definitely touched a nerve. The Doctor stares at her at a loss, he doesn't know what to do. EXT. CARDIFF BAY Rose and Mickey are sitting side by side on the bench. She's stroking his hands. MICKEY: I'm not asking you to leave him, because I know that's not fair. But I just need something, yeah? Some sort of promise that when you do come back, you're coming back for me. Rose spins around as she hears a low rumbling in the distance. ROSE: Is that thunder? MICKEY: Does it matter? ROSE: That's not thunder. INT. RESTAURANT Margaret is speaking quickly now, her desperation growing. MARGARET: In the family Slitheen, we had no choice. I was made to carry out my first kill at thirteen. If I'd refused, my father would have fed me to the Venom Grubs. The Doctor's head turns to the side as he also hears the low rumble. MARGARET (CONT'D): If I'm a killer, it's because I was born to kill, it's all I know! No reply, as the Doctor is listening to the rumble intently with his brow furrowed. MARGARET (CONT'D): Doctor? Are you even listening to me? THE DOCTOR: Can you hear that? MARGARET: I'm begging for my life...! THE DOCTOR: No, listen, shush... He holds up a hand to silence Margaret. He peers at the glasses on the table, which are beginning to shake slightly. Very suddenly, the glass windows shatter and the diners begin to scream. EXT. CARDIFF BAY A street light smashes and passers-by shriek. Baffled, Mickey looks around for Rose but she's already running in the direction of the TARDIS. MICKEY (yelling after her, bitterly): Oh, go on then, run! It's him again, isn't it? It's the Doctor! It's always the Doctor! It's always gonna be the Doctor and it's never me! EXT. CARDIFF BAY The Doctor and Margaret hurry down a flight of stairs, the sound of screaming and smashing in the background. Margaret is falling behind... MARGARET (urgently): The handcuffs! The Doctor waits for her at the foot of the stairs and pulls off her handcuff. THE DOCTOR (grabbing her wrist) : Don't think you're running away. MARGARET (fearful): Oh, I'm sticking with you. He pulls her off in the direction of the TARDIS, glass shattering on their heads. MARGARET (CONT'D): (shouting over the noise): Some date this turned out to be! They run, bumping into people through the chaos, down another set of steps. EXT. CARDIFF MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE The Doctor's eyes widen with shock as they finally see the TARDIS at the other side of the square. A huge bolt of lightening rips out of the TARDIS roof and into the sky. THE DOCTOR: It's the rift. The rift's opening! Storm clouds gather above the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS Jack panics as the sparks fly out of the console and the extrapolator flashes madly as he rips out the wires connecting it. EXT. CARDIFF MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE The Doctor and Margaret hurry across the Millennium Square, the ground starting to crack beneath their feet. Margaret looks terrified as he fits the key inside the lock of the TARDIS and pulls her inside. INT. TARDIS The whole ship is shuddering, the lights blinking. THE DOCTOR (yelling to Jack): What the hell are you doing? JACK: It just went crazy! THE DOCTOR (running to the console): It's the rift! Time and space are ripping apart. The whole city's gonna disappear! Small explosions erupt from the console. EXT. CARDIFF MILLENNIUM CENTRE SQUARE Rose has reached the Millennium Square, and she is confronted with the sight of the TARDIS, the lightening shooting out of the top of it into the sky. Her eyes widen and she flinches at another rumble. She begins to run across the Square to the TARDIS, more cracks appearing in the ground. INT. TARDIS More explosions from the console as the Doctor and Jack work furiously. JACK: It's the extrapolator! I've disconnected it but it's still feeding off the engine! It's using the TARDIS. I can't stop it! THE DOCTOR: Never mind Cardiff, it's gonna rip open the planet! Rose bursts into the TARDIS. ROSE: What is it? What's happening?! MARGARET (gleefully): Oh, just little me! She frees one of her arms from the skin-suit revealing the Slitheen claw. She grabs Rose around the neck. The Doctor darts forward, but... MARGARET (CONT'D) (threateningly) : One wrong move and she snaps like a promise. THE DOCTOR: I might've known. MARGARET (moving closer with Rose): I've had you bleating all night, poor baby, now shut it.(To Jack). You, fly boy, put the extrapolator at my feet. Jack hesitates. Margaret tightens her grip around Rose's neck. Jack looks at the Doctor for help, he nods, so Jack does as he is told. MARGARET (CONT'D) (pleasantly): Thank you. Just as I planned. ROSE (strangulated): I thought you needed to blow up the nuclear power station. MARGARET: Failing that, if I were to be... arrested... then anyone capable of tracking me down would have considerable technology of their own. Therefore, they would be captivated by the extrapolator. Especially a magpie mind like yours, Doctor. So the extrapolator was programmed to go to Plan B! She pulls one of Rose's plaits roughly. Rose whimpers. MARGARET (CONT'D) : To lock onto the nearest alien power source and open the rift. (Looks around the TARDIS with awe). And what a power source it found... I'm back on schedule... thanks to you. JACK: The rift's gonna convulse. She'll destroy the whole planet. MARGARET: And you with it! She pushes Rose aside so that she can stand on the extrapolator, but still keeps a hold of her neck. MARGARET (CONT'D) (evil smile) : While I ride this board over the crest of the inferno all the way to freedom. Stand back boys... surf's up. Outside, there is a burst of lightning from the TARDIS light. Inside, a panel of the console directly in front of Margaret suddenly bursts open, and a blinding white light floods out. Margaret looks at it in surprise, then up at the Doctor on the other side of the console. THE DOCTOR (calmly) : Of course, opening the rift means you'll pull this ship apart. MARGARET: So sue me. THE DOCTOR: It's not just any old power source. It's the TARDIS. My TARDIS. The best ship in the universe. MARGARET (nastily): It'll make wonderful scrap. ROSE (struggling to see) : What's that light? THE DOCTOR: The heart of the TARDIS. This ship's alive. You've opened its soul. Breathing heavily, Margaret stares into the light, as if forgetting everything else. Her voice becomes dreamy and vague. MARGARET: It's ... so bright... THE DOCTOR: Look at it, Margaret... MARGARET: ... Beautiful... THE DOCTOR: Look inside, Blon Fel Fotch. Look at the light. Margaret is transfixed by the light, and her grip on Rose relaxes. Rose stumbles out of the way and back to Jack. Margaret continues to stare into the light, a blissful smile spreading across her face. Then, she looks up at the Doctor who smiles slightly. MARGARET (softly, genuinely): Thank you... She is engulfed by the light, and when it clears, her body-suit flops on top of the extrapolator, empty. The Doctor immediately springs into action, darting around the console. THE DOCTOR: Don't look, stay there, close your eyes! He slams down levers and the gap in the console closes, shutting out the white light. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now, Jack, come on, shut it all down. Shut down! Jack rushes over to the console. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Rose, that panel over there, turn all the switches to the right. They work busily, the console exploding with sparks. And finally, the shaking lessens and the lightening shooting from the top of the TARDIS into the sky disappears, all back to normal. THE DOCTOR: Nicely done. Thank you, all. ROSE: What happened to Margaret? JACK: Must've got burnt up. Carried out her own death sentence. THE DOCTOR (looking down at the body-suit): No. I don't think she's dead. ROSE: Then, where'd she go? THE DOCTOR: She looked into the heart of the TARDIS, and even I don't know how strong that is. And the ship's telepathic, like I told you, Rose. Gets inside your head. Translates alien languages. Maybe the raw energy can translate all sorts of thoughts... He kneels down next to the skin-suit for a closer look. Rose and Jack follow suit, so all three of them are huddled around it. The Doctor reaches inside the skin-suit and pulls out an egg. THE DOCTOR: Here she is! ROSE: She's an egg? THE DOCTOR: Regressed to her childhood. JACK: She's an egg? THE DOCTOR: She can start again! Live her life from scratch. If we take her home, give her to a different family, tell 'em to bring her up properly, she might be all right! JACK: Or she might be worse. THE DOCTOR: That's her choice. ROSE: She's an egg. THE DOCTOR: She's an egg. ROSE (suddenly remembering): Oh, my God. Mickey... And she dashes out of the TARDIS and sprints back across the Millennium Square. EXT. STREET NEAR BAY A police car hurtles down a ruined street, sirens on and lights flashing, an ambulance close behind. Rose runs down the street in the opposite direction. She doesn't see Mickey, who is standing alone and watching from a distance, the firelight flickering on his face. He watches Rose tap a paramedic on the shoulder and question him. The paramedic shakes his head, and Rose leaves him, clearly not knowing where to look next. Mickey turns and walks away into the night. INT. TARDIS Rose walks back into the TARDIS, where the Doctor is fiddling with console, Jack round the other side. THE DOCTOR: We're all powered up. We can leave. Opening the rift filled us up with energy. We can go. If that's all right... ROSE (tone light but there's traces of tears on her cheeks): Yeah, fine. THE DOCTOR (carefully): How's Mickey? ROSE: He's okay. He's gone. THE DOCTOR: D'you wanna go and find him? We'll wait... He and Jack glance at one another. ROSE: No need. He deserves better. THE DOCTOR (briskly): Off we go, then. Always moving on... He pulls a lever. JACK: Next stop, Raxacoricofallapatorius. Now, you don't often get to say that. He smirks. They have balanced the egg on top of the console. THE DOCTOR: We'll just stop by and pop her in the hatchery. Margaret the Slitheen can live her life again! A second chance. Rose is staring into space. ROSE (almost to herself): That'd be nice... The engines rise and fall and the TARDIS fades away.

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who sees that Margaret has created a nuclear power plant? A: Jack; Q: Who sees the opportunity to use Margaret's extrapolator to speed up recharging the TARDIS? A: Cardiff; Q: Where do the Doctor, Rose, and Jack visit to refuel the TARDIS? A: Mickey; Q: Who meets the Doctor, Rose, and Jack in Cardiff? A: Slitheen; Q: What is the name of the alien race that Margaret Blaine is a part of? A: Margaret Blaine; Q: Who is the Slitheen impersonating? A: a nuclear power plant; Q: What did Margaret Blaine create? A: a device; Q: What did Margaret use to flee? A: her home planet; Q: Where does Margaret not want to be taken? A: a criminal; Q: What is Margaret considered on her home planet? A: several failed attempts; Q: What did Margaret do to try to kill the Doctor? A: an earthquake; Q: What strikes Cardiff? A: second; Q: What chance at life does Margaret get? A: an egg; Q: What does Margaret turn into? Summary: The Doctor, Rose, and Jack visit Cardiff to refuel the TARDIS at the rift, and Mickey meets them there. They discover that the Slitheen impersonating Margaret Blaine is now the mayor of Cardiff, and they capture her, suspicious of what she has done. The Doctor sees that she has created a nuclear power plant designed to open the rift and destroy Earth, and a device she would use to flee. Margaret objects to being taken back to her home planet, as she is considered a criminal there. After several failed attempts in killing the Doctor, Margaret requests to be taken to another planet. Jack sees the opportunity to use Margaret's extrapolator to speed up recharging the TARDIS, but this proves to be a trap as it was meant to send the nearest alien power source to the rift. As an earthquake strikes Cardiff, Margaret looks into the heart of the TARDIS, which gives her a second chance at life, restoring her back into an egg.

Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz and Frasier are having coffee, a customer walks up. Customer: Dr. Crane. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss your show. Frasier: Oh, well thank you so much. I miss it too. Yes, the brisk interchange of ideas, the crackling interplay between me and my callers. Customer: [obviously haven gotten more than he wanted] Uh-huh. Frasier: Well, you're very kind. The customer nods and leaves. Frasier: See that, Roz? The public still craves the kind of excitement that only Frasier Crane can provide. [Roz is asleep.] Roz! Roz: I am so sorry. The baby kept me up all night long last night. I'm trying to get her used to her crib, but she just hates to sleep alone. Frasier: Well, the acorn certainly doesn't fall far from the... Roz: I have GOT to wake up. I'm on my way to an interview. I mean, I'd kill for a cup of regular coffee, but I'm still nursing so I can't. You know, it was all I could do just to get myself dressed and then feed the baby this morning. Frasier: Yes, you know, next time maybe you should try feeding first and dressing second. [He points to a large stain on her blouse.] Roz: Oh, my God! How did I miss this? Frasier: Well... on the plus side, it does divert the eye from the blueberries in your teeth. Roz: What?! I can't go to this interview like this. Frasier: Of course you can. Roz: Oh, I'm just gonna call and cancel. Frasier: No, no, no, Roz, please! Just check your teeth, put your jacket on and I swear you'll look every inch the smart career gal on the go. There. Roz gets up and organizes herself. Martin walks in. Roz: Thanks, Frasier. Martin: Hey, Roz. Is that the newest thing, wearin' two different shoes? Roz: [looking down] Oh, my God! [She hurries out.] Frasier: Hi, Dad. So, what brings you here? Martin: [sitting] Well, I thought you needed a little cheerin' up. You've been kinda mopey lately. Frasier: Well, I had kind of a rough night at the wine club. During the blindfolded tasting, I gave four stars to a Mexican Zinfandel. Martin: Well, I don't just mean last night. You've been kinda down ever since you lost your job, you know? And you haven't had a date in I don't know how long. Frasier: Yes, well, I know how long, and this isn't the way to cheer me up. Martin: Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town... Frasier: Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn. Martin: You know, if you didn't talk like that you might not have to get set up so much. Now listen, she's not a blind date, you know Marie, you spent a week with her at the lake. Frasier: She was six years old! Martin: Well, Duke said she's grown into a real looker. Frasier: Yes, well I have SEEN Duke, and unless he sired a love child with Catherine Deneuve, I don't like my odds. Marie, a beautiful young woman, comes in. Marie: Uncle Martin. Martin and Frasier rise to greet her. Martin: Oh, Marie! Look at you! You remember Frasier. Frasier: Bonjour. [SCENE_BREAK] BON SOIR Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Marie are at the table, finishing dinner. Marie: I don't know when I've had such a delicious meal. You really made this dessert yourself? Frasier: Well, yes. A little something I like to call "Crane Brûlée." Frasier notices her aligning her silverware. Frasier: Is everything all right there? Marie: Oh, it's just a little quirk of mine. I like to keep things straight. You know, in parallel lines. Frasier: Yes, I noticed that earlier with the asparagus. Marie: It's weird, I know. It used to drive my mother crazy. Frasier: Oh, we all have our little idiosyncrasies. How is your mother, anyway? Marie: Still in my face. After the divorce, things just got worse. [She adjusts his silverware.] Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm sorry, I'll stop. Look. [She deliberately places a spoon at an odd angle.] Anyway, I haven't figured out how to have a normal relationship with her. Frasier: Well, you know, we're all striving to have what we call "normal relationships," but who really knows what normal is? You can move it back now. Marie: [putting the spoon back in its place] Thank you. Frasier: [rising] What do you say we have our wine out on the balcony? Marie: The balcony? Frasier: Yes, you haven't had a chance to see the view. Frasier opens the balcony door by the table for her, Marie rises, then stumbles against the bookshelf and halts at the step below the door. Marie: Oh, wow! That is some view all right! Beautiful. Frasier: You're afraid of heights, aren't you? Marie: I'm taking classes. They give us these exercises to do, they just work better when you're standing on a little milk crate. Oh, I must seem totally neurotic. She sits on the couch and begins arranging the books on the coffee table. Frasier: Not at all. Marie: I guess I'm going a little nuts since I moved back in with my dad. Thank God I'm getting my own place next week. Frasier: Yes, I suspect that will help a lot. You know, very often, the key to mental health is distancing ourselves from our parents. Martin comes in the front. Martin: I'm home! Oh, hey, sorry to barge in on you kids. Marie: That's all right, why don't you join us for dessert. Martin: Oh, thanks anyway, but I had "Crane Brûlée" for lunch. Frasier: I had to do a little dry run earlier, wanted to make sure my caramelizer wasn't on the fritz. Martin: Yeah, I was pretty proud the first time he brought that blow-torch home. 'Til I saw what it was for. Frasier: Dad! Martin: No, no, I'm only jokin'. She knows that. He's a great kid, Marie. Sure, he's out of work now, but he's hit the skids a lot of times, but he always manages to bounce right back up. Frasier: I think you've spread enough pixie dust for one evening, Dad. Thank you. Martin: Yeah, yeah, well, goodnight you two. [He goes to his bedroom.] Marie: [rising] I should probably get going too. Frasier: All right. Marie: Thank you for a great evening. And for all the wonderful advice, it was very insightful. Frasier: You're quite welcome, Marie. Perhaps you can offer me a little insight as well: will this be our only night together, or will I see you again? Marie: Well, you're pretty good at interpreting things, maybe this will answer your question. She puts her arms around his neck and gives him a sensuous kiss. Frasier: Oh. Well, then you have a nice life. Marie smiles, Frasier looks a little stunned. Fade out. Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Frasier and Marie are talking over coffee. Marie: ...and just as this hunter catches up to me, and is about to kill me, I wake up on the cot in my dad's oak-paneled rumpus room. Frasier: That is a terrifying nightmare. Are there any other figures in the rumpus room? Marie: No, that's not part of the dream. I really sleep there. Frasier: Oh, oh. Marie: [getting up] I wish I didn't have to go. Can we talk more about this after the museum tonight? Frasier: Oh, of course. I thought it was the opera tonight. Marie: No, the museum opening. You promised me in the shower this morning, remember? Frasier: Yes, well I was under duress. You had a loofah to my head. She leaves past Niles, who walks up to Frasier with a shocked look on his face. Frasier: Oh, Niles, you just missed Duke's daughter. Niles: [sitting] I saw. Is it possible that's the same little girl that we used to refer to as "The Ugly Dukeling"? She is stunning. Frasier: Isn't she, though? You know, the insecure part of me is having trouble figuring out why she's going out with me. She could have her pick of men. And I am a little older, haven't been to the gym as often as I should, and you can feel free to contradict me anytime you like, Niles. Niles: You must have something, because she's clearly charmed by you. Frasier: Yes, well, whatever the reason, we certainly have the most wonderful time together. We have the greatest discussions. Oh, I've been helping her sort through some of her issues. Niles: Oh, really? Frasier: Yes, it's a very complex relationship with her mother, giving rise to several striking phobias, recurring dreams, the most charming little obsessive-compulsive disorder. Niles: Oh, well, there you go! Perhaps she's attracted to you because of your psychiatric expertise. Frasier: What are you suggesting, Niles? That Marie is going out with me just to get free therapy? Niles: Well, it was just a thought. A waitress walks up behind Frasier Frasier: It's a mean-spirited thought! Marie is not using me. She would want me just as much even if I weren't a psychiatrist. You know, you're jealous! You're jealous that I'm having s*x! Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle s*x! What are you having?! Niles: [to the stunned waitress] I'm having a latte. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is out on the balcony, talking on the phone. Martin: Will this be all right for ya? Yeah, I'm telling you, Phil, she's really cute. You'll see for yourself in a coupla minutes. [Daphne comes in the front.] Oh, wait, she's comin' in now, I gotta go. Cut to inside. Martin: [coming in] Hey, Daphne, how's it goin'? Daphne: Fine. Martin: Good. Daphne: What are you so chipper about? Martin: Oh, nothin'. It's a beautiful night out. Say, why don't you come out and have a look at the moon with me? Daphne: Why? Is it full? Martin: [grinning] I don't know. Daphne: All right. They go outside and we cut to the balcony. Martin: Beaut, isn't it? Daphne: Oh, yeah, very romantic. [She turns to go back in.] Martin: Oh, now, wait come here. I gotta show you somethin' else. Over here. Ah, look at that, the way those moonbeams bounce off that reflecting pool. Daphne looks down at the scene while Martin makes "Well?" looks up across the way. Daphne: Ah, yeah, that's really something. [noticing him] What are you doing? Martin: Nothing. Daphne: Yes, you are. Martin: No, I'm not. Daphne: Yes, you are. Martin: I'm not. Daphne: Yes you are, you're signaling to someone. Martin: Oh, all right. I did such a good job with Frasier, I thought maybe I could fix you up with some nice guy. Daphne: [searching] Is it that man up there with the binoculars? Martin: Yeah, isn't that a great building? He does real well, he owns half that floor. Daphne: [smacking him in the chest] Oh, Mr. Crane! Martin: What? Daphne goes inside, Martin following. Cut to the inside of the apartment. Daphne: I don't believe it! Putting me on display like a bloody concubine! [She stomps off to her room.] Martin: [calling after her] Well, you get a turn too. I got this telescope set up so you can have a look at him. [The phone rings.] See, he likes you! [answers] Hello? Yeah, well I told you she was pretty! What do you mean, can I show you another one? What do you think I'm running here? He hangs up. Frasier and Marie come in. Marie: So there I am, actually biting the fingernails of the same hand that's holding the phone not two minutes after I'm on with my mother. Isn't that so revealing? Frasier: Well, yes, I'd say it is. Marie: [sitting on the couch] Is everything OK, Frasier? You seem a little quiet. Frasier: No, no, I was just so enjoying our museum chat and I was wondering how we got onto the subject of mothers. Marie: Well, it was a Whistler exhibit. Frasier: Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a bit tense. Marie: Well, why didn't you say something? I can give you a little massage. Frasier: Oh, really, well all right. If you think that will help. He sits on the couch, Marie kneels behind him and starts rubbing his neck and shoulders. Marie: It's such an amazing feeling, being in the presence of so much beauty. Frasier: Yes, well you say that now, in six weeks you'll be telling me to lose weight. [They share a laugh.] The Whistler, I know, I know. Gosh isn't it great that we both enjoy art so much? I could just talk about it all night. Marie: Me too. Frasier: Oh, you know, I couldn't help notice you staring at that riverscape. You couldn't take your eyes off it. Marie: I think it's because it reminded me of my recurring dream. You know, we were going to talk more about that. Frasier: Oh, yes, yes. The dream, being pursued by the hunter and the arrows... Marie: Yeah. Frasier: Well, uh, you know, I don't really feel like I'm up to talking about that now. Do you think we can do it some other night? Marie stops the massage and sits back. Marie: All right. What did you think of the riverscape? Frasier: Oh, well, I, uh, I enjoyed it. I was also enjoying what you were doing just now. Marie: Oh, I'm sorry. My hands were just getting a little bit of a cramp. Frasier: Oh, well then let me do you, then. Marie: Actually, it's getting late. You know, maybe I should get home. She gets up and puts on her coat. Frasier: I thought you were gonna spend the night. Marie: I'd like to, but I have an early morning and I hate to rush. Had a great evening tonight. Frasier: You know, about that dream, uh, I did have one thought. Marie: Really? Frasier: Yes. Forest imagery...very often represents our most primal emotions. Hence its frequent use in fairy tales. Which could be a link to your childhood. Marie takes off her coat and sits back down. Marie: You are so good at this. Much better than my therapist. Frasier: You have a therapist? Marie: Not anymore. Who can afford it? Anyway... You know, my hands are feeling much better, why don't we give that massage another shot? So I notice that I often have this dream right after I talk to my mother. Oh, your muscles are so tense! Is it just your neck, or is it all over? Frasier: [thinking of the relationship] It's all over. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz is at a table and calls Frasier over. Roz: [very fast] Frasier! Frasier! You will not believe this! Little Alice said her first word today. It was "Ma." Or it may have been "moo." Mary, that's the sitter, gave her this little toy cow. She's always doing stuff like that. I love Mary. I love this little cow, too. It's the cutest little thing, it's brown and white, well that's a jersey cow, right? Well that's where Mary's from, Jersey. [to a passing waiter] Yeah I'll take a splash more! [he pours] You know, I stopped nursing yesterday and boy have I missed this stuff. Cup of mud, java, my old friend Joe - Oh, that's funny, Mary's husband's name is Joe. Oh, my God, he's picking her up, I gotta go, this has been fun, you look great, nice talking with you. She rushes out, passing Niles who is coming in. Niles: Frasier, may I join you? Frasier: Well, of course, Niles. And I'm sorry about yesterday. Niles: No, no I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never meant to suggest Marie was... Frasier: Niles, Marie and I broke up. Niles: I'm sorry. Did she at least give you a reason? Frasier: I broke up with her. But thank you for the daily shot in the arm of confidence. Martin comes in and sits at the table. Martin: I just talked to Duke. What the hell did you break up with Marie for? Frasier: Dad, listen, I'm terribly sorry. I don't mean to cause a rift between you and your friend, but I couldn't continue with it. You see, once I confirmed that Marie was primarily interested in me as a sounding board for her problems, I just had to end it. Just as Niles suggested I should. Martin, upon hearing this, smacks Niles on the shoulder, who hits Frasier, who hits him back. Niles: I never suggested that! No, all I said was that one of the things she might appreciate about you was your psychiatric expertise. For heaven's sake, if you were a world-class chef, she'd appreciate your cooking, if you were a stand-up comic, she'd appreciate your jokes. Martin: If you were a dermatologist, and she had a big growth comin' out of her face... Frasier: Yes, Dad, I get it. Niles: I am sorry, but if you had let the relationship continue, she might have found other things that she'd appreciate about you just as much. Frasier: [getting up] You know, maybe there's still time to win her back. Martin: Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that. Frasier: I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth. Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK? Frasier: [pause] Well, not that truth. Some other truth. He exits. Fade out. IS THAT PORK IN YOUR CUFF OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME? Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, Marie and Frasier come in. Frasier: Evening Dad. Martin: Hey, you two. How was dinner? Marie: It was just great. We went to my favorite restaurant. It's this little Korean barbecue. Niles comes in from the kitchen. Frasier: Yes. It's just fabulous. You get to cook your own food on this little grill that's right in the center of the table. It splatters a little bit, but you know, that's what makes it fun. Niles: [picking something off Frasier's shirt] Clearly you had a marvelous time. Oh, hello again, Marie. Marie: Hi, Niles. If we're gonna go away this weekend, I should make reservations. Frasier: Right. I tell you what, just use the phone in my bedroom and I'll be in in a minute. Marie: Actually, just thinking about getting away is making me more relaxed already. She heads towards Frasier's room, using her hands to shield her eyes from the view of the balcony. Frasier: She has a little problem with heights. Niles: I saw that. Martin: [rising] Well, I'm sure glad you two patched things up, anyway. You know, Duke and I go back a long way. I got a lot of friends but there's somethin' I get from Duke that I don't get from anybody else. Frasier: Seahawks tickets. Martin: And don't think that SOB wasn't ready to pull 'em, either. Martin goes off to his room. Frasier and Niles head to the kitchen. Cut to the kitchen as Niles gets a bag of popcorn out of the microwave and Frasier pours two glasses of wine. Niles: Dad dragged me to one of those Korean barbecues once. Had that suit dry-cleaned three times, Eddie still greets me in a carnivorous frenzy every time I wear it. Frasier: Yes, well the next time Marie and I go out to dinner, I'm going to pick the restaurant. Preferably, one where the stove gets its own room. Niles: Well, she certainly seems smitten with you. Frasier: Yes, she certainly does, doesn't she? And I am quite captivated with her. You know, I can't put my finger on exactly why. Niles: Well, I'm just glad things are going well for you. Frasier: Are they ever. I find her more enchanting each day. You know what? And I am particularly intrigued by this recurring dream she has. She's in the woods, she's being pursued by a hunter and get this, when she turns to confront her pursuer, the hunter has no face. Niles: Fascinating. Frasier: Well, I'm determined to get to the bottom of it. I'm certain it could shed light on her mother issues, and this fear of heights and, oh God, I just discovered that she absolutely refuses to touch a doorknob with her bare hand. Thanks to my natural chivalry, I missed that for a whole week. Niles: Uh, is that all you talk about, her problems? Frasier: Well, no, no, we talk about lots of things. Art, the theater, why? Niles: Oh, it's just a passing thought. Frasier: Well, pass it over here. Niles: Well, you were asking what most captivated you about her. Perhaps she's giving you a chance to exercise your psychiatric muscles. Frasier: What? Niles: Well, you have been out of work for a while... Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am? Niles: Well, there's no need to get defensive. There's not a problem. Unless, she's falling in love with you and you're only interested in her as a case study. Frasier: I assure you I'm interested in all aspects of Marie, not just her psyche. For God's sake, you know I could happily go for weeks without discussing it once. Niles: Glad to hear it. Frasier: Well, thank you. If you'll excuse me, I have someone waiting for me in the other room. He leaves the kitchen. Cut to the living room as Eddie rushes up and chomps down on his pants cuff. Frasier crosses the living room dragging him along. Frasier: Oh, oh, dear God! Unhand me you wretch! Oh, you vile creature! Oh, for God's sake, you miserable mutt! Niles, please! Throw him a Liv-A-Snap! Get off of me! Cut to Frasier's room. Marie is on the bed, Frasier comes in, still fighting off Eddie. Frasier: Just let go of that leg, you, this instant! Slams the door on the dog. Frasier: My father's best friend. Well, after your father. Marie: We're all booked for this weekend. There's a lake, hiking, sounds like the perfect place to relax. [He hands her a glass of wine and climbs on the bed with her.] Frasier: You know, I do love the country, so relaxing. I swear to God, I am out like a light as soon as my head hits the pillow. Marie: Then we'll have to ask for a room with no pillows. Oh! That reminds me, I had that dream again. But this time I saw the hunter's face. Frasier: Really? Marie: Yeah. You'll never guess who it was. Frasier: Who? No, no. Marie: What? Frasier: Well, you know, I'd just really rather not discuss the dream right now. Marie: Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Like you even care about who the hunter is right now. They put their glasses down. Frasier: Yes, when there's so many other things I'm interested in. There, that's better isn't it? They begin to kiss and cuddle. Marie: Yeah. Frasier: You feel relaxed? Marie: Uh-huh. Frasier: Was it your sister? Marie: What? Frasier: The hunter. It was your sister, wasn't it? Marie: No. I thought you didn't want to talk about this. Frasier: Oh, God, you're right. I don't. I really, really don't. I'd much rather be exploring other things right now, like your lips. And your chin. And your neck. Marie: Ohh, keep going. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, who was it?! Marie: What is with you? Frasier: I just have to know. Marie: OK. It was me. Frasier: Of course it was! The hunter represents your feelings of anger and abandonment that you've been running from ever since your parents' divorce! Until now, you've been able to avoid those painful areas, sometimes hiding in the forest of repression! Now, your willingness to identify the hunter signals that you are now ready to, to reintegrate these complex emotions into a more cohesive self! Marie: Wow! It's all so clear now! Frasier: It certainly is! Marie: That was amazing. I am so glad I gave you a second chance. Frasier: Oh, Marie, I... Marie: Please, don't apologize. Maybe someday it'll be some funny story we tell our grandkids. The time grandpa broke up with grandma. Frasier: Actually, grandma... Marie: Yes? Frasier: I'm afraid this isn't gonna work. Marie: What? Frasier: Us. I'm afraid that... Marie: Wait a minute. Am I crazy, or are you breaking up with me again? Frasier: Well, they're not completely unrelated. You see, you are a beautiful young woman and I have really enjoyed tackling some of these issues with you, it's just that I don't think that's the basis for a relationship. I think you deserve someone who appreciates all you have to offer. Marie: I don't believe this. Frasier: I just feel more like your therapist than your boyfriend. Marie: But I thought we were having such a good time together. Frasier: I'm afraid our time is up. Cut to the living room. Martin is in his chair, on the phone. Martin: This weekend's game? Well, yeah, I want 'em, Duke... Seahawks - Chiefs? Are you kidding? I'll pick 'em up tomorrow. Hey, wouldn't it be a kick if we wound up in- laws? Marie: [off stage] Go to hell! Martin: Oh, hold on a sec. Frasier: [off stage] Good, embrace the anger, it's the best way to mental health. Marie: I don't need health tips from you, you quack. She storms in from the hall, again blocking the balcony with her hands. Frasier follows. Frasier: Well, I think you've made real progress in the time we've been together. Marie: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She pulls the hem of her shirt up and uses it to turn the doorknob. Frasier: I have the name of a specialist. Marie: Call him yourself! [She slams the door on her way out.] Martin: Hey, Duke, I'm gonna be kinda busy tomorrow, uh, maybe you could just drop those tickets in the mail right now so you don't forget. Martin glowers at Frasier, who does look embarrassed. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin invites Roz out on the balcony to enjoy the view, but begins signaling across the way again. Like Daphne, Roz spots the ruse then smacks him on the arm and hurries inside. Martin shrugs to Phil and goes off to his room. Unlike Daphne, Roz quickly brushes out her hair, then goes back on the balcony and proceeds to vamp her distant admirer in every possible way short of actually taking off her clothes - stretching her arms over her head to push out her chest, cocking her hips to one side, and then putting her bare leg up on a table and licking her fingers to rub away an imaginary spot on her ankle.

Plan: A: Martin; Q: Who arranged for Frasier to meet Marie? A: Marie; Q: Who is Duke's daughter? A: ( Teri Hatcher; Q: Who played Marie? A: dinner; Q: What meal does Frasier have with Marie? Summary: Martin has arranged for Frasier to meet up again with Duke's daughter, Marie ( Teri Hatcher ), whom he first met when they were both children. Frasier is pleasantly surprised at how beautiful she has become, and enjoys having dinner with her, but notices that she has some neurotic tendencies. He eventually realises that Marie is attracted to him because of his psychiatric expertise, causing him to break up with her.

(Three men in an elevator. One of them is Luri Karpachev, the other two are his bodyguards. They hit the button for the forty-seventh floor and the elevator starts to climb, the three of them speaking Russian with Karpachev on his cell. They hear a beeping sound. Above the elevator, in the shaft, is a bomb attached. One bodyguard hoists the other up to investigate the sound when the explosion goes off, sending the elevator down. They all scream and it stops suddenly at the thirty-eighth floor.) KARPACHEV: (in Russian) Emergency brakes. Emergency brakes. (They all laugh nervously but the explosion goes off again and once again they're sent plummeting down the elevator shaft, screaming. The elevator crashes to the ground. The lights flicker as the bodies of the three men remain in the elevator. There's a pounding at the door and the doors open. A crowbar is dropped. A man steps in, wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a flashlight, and calmly takes Karpachev's wallet from his coat. It's Sark.) (CIA ops center. Kendall shows Jack a photograph of Karpachev, they stand in the hallway.) KENDALL: Luri Karpachev, he was a high-level arms dealer in Russia with links to the mafia. Your ex-wife mentions-- JACK: I'd appreciate it if you'd refer to Irina Derevko by name. KENDALL: Derevko listed him among former contacts when she was debriefed by the NSA. JACK: Yes, I've heard the name myself. Sloane had dealings with him at SD-6. I'll talk to Irina, see what she knows. KENDALL: Sorry about the... JACK: Don't be silly. (At Irina's cell, Jack looks pretty relaxed with his hands on either side of the glass, leaning forward a bit.) JACK: After you surrendered yourself in to the CIA, you listed Luri Karpachev as one of your contacts. (Irina nods.) JACK: He was murdered yesterday, we believe by Sloane. Karpachev's body was found without his wallet. Presumably Sloane has more insidious ways to pass the time than picking someone's pocket. What might have he been looking for? IRINA: Why haven't you tried to convince Sydney to leave the CIA? (Jack's arms drop.) IRINA: You and I know better than anyone -- she should leave this life while she has the chance. JACK: Sydney can be stubborn. Where she got that from is anyone's guess. But she refuses to resign as long as Sloane is still free. Which brings me back to my question -- what was in Karpachev's wallet? IRINA: A key card to his home safe. In '93 Karpachev came into possession of a Rambaldi manuscript. Sloane must believe he kept it in his safe but he's incorrect. Karpachev sold it. JACK: To whom? IRINA: Ilya Stuka. A former contact of mine, living in Bangkok. JACK: What is this manuscript? IRINA: Rambaldi's study of the human heart. As you know, immortality was one of Rambaldi's obsessions. JACK: Where does Stuka keep it? IRINA: I don't know, but I could find out if I were allowed to meet with him. JACK: Kendall won't risk letting you out again, despite your cooperation in India. IRINA: What if the price were worth it? JACK: Sloane doesn't know that you're in CIA custody. IRINA: He thinks I'm in hiding, as he is. JACK: If Sloane believes you've surfaced, obtained the manuscript he's after, he'll want to meet with you. Negotiate a purchase. IRINA: Which I'd be happy to do. JACK: And we could grab him. IRINA: And give Sydney her reason to get out. (Ice rink. Vaughn skates around Sydney, handling a puck. He comes to a stop beside her.) VAUGHN: Okay. The key, obviously, is balance, right? So don't worry so much about the puck and just make sure your feet are planted on the ice and then... (He shoots the puck and gets it into the net.) VAUGHN: ...Just a nice follow-through. SYDNEY: Show-off. VAUGHN: Yeah, a little bit. (Big smile on his face, he skates over to the net and passes the puck to her. Sydney, a little wobbly, starts skating to the net and over to him. Vaughn narrates, hockey announcer style.) VAUGHN: Bristow's got the puck! She crosses the blue line! She's at the top of the circle! She shoots, she scores! (Sydney gets it in and skates right into Vaughn. He catches her, giving her a hug at the same time.) VAUGHN: What--oh my God, what was that? SYDNEY: I didn't say I was completely incompetent. VAUGHN: You've done this before. SYDNEY: No, I told you, I haven't skated since I was five. VAUGHN: No, I don't believe you. SYDNEY: Swear to God, my mother took me. (Awkward silence. Vaughn looks down at the ice.) VAUGHN: Well, you're better than you should be. (He starts to skate around her again.) SYDNEY: Sooner or later we're going to have to have a conversation-- VAUGHN: There's nothing to talk about. SYDNEY: --About my mother. VAUGHN: Sydney, there's nothing to say. We both know what happened. What is there to say? SYDNEY: I think a lot. VAUGHN: Nothing I want to talk about. SYDNEY: I'm sorry. VAUGHN: Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry for her. (Sydney's cell rings. She answers.) SYDNEY: Hello? Yeah. Okay. (She hangs up.) SYDNEY: I have to go in. VAUGHN: Of course you do, it's your day off. (sighs) All right, I'll see you later. (They kiss. Vaughn skates away.) (Briefing room. A man, Yeager, sits behind a desk covered in files and paper. Another agent stands beside him. Knock on the door and Sydney enters.) YEAGER: Yeah? SYDNEY: My name is Sydney Bristow, you asked for me? YEAGER: Yeah, have-have a seat. (He gestures to the agent. Sydney sits down and looks at the monitor behind her. She's being videotaped. The agent approaches Sydney with a few sheets of paper.) AGENT: Miss Bristow, I need your thumbprint here... and here. YEAGER: These are just confidentiality agreements. They just forbid you from disclosing anything we might talk about today. If you do so, it's a felony. (Sydney looks up, alarmed. But she does it anyway, pressing her thumb into the blue inkpad and stamping two documents, signing one of them. The agent gathers the papers and inkpad.) YEAGER: Thank you. (He waves the agent away.) YEAGER: Are you familiar with the name Vladimir Pograski? SYDNEY: No, I'm not. (He gets up and places a surveillance photograph of Pograski on the desk in front of her.) YEAGER: Ever see this man? SYDNEY: No. YEAGER: Last month you were in France with Agent Michael Vaughn. Do you recall seeing him use a pay phone? SYDNEY: No. YEAGER: Did you see Mr. Vaughn purchase cigarettes? SYDNEY: Mr. Vaughn doesn't smoke. YEAGER: I understand. SYDNEY: No, I didn't see him buy cigarettes. YEAGER: Are you and Mr. Vaughn intimately involved? SYDNEY: That's none of your business. YEAGER: Yeah, I know, it's sort of an awkward question. SYDNEY: What is this about? I'd appreciate a little context here. You haven't even given me your name. YEAGER: I'm Mitchell Yeager, I'm counter-intelligence threat analyst. That should give you a little context. I've been sent here to investigate Michael Vaughn. It's come to our attention that over the past three months, Mr. Vaughn has been in contact with a number of unapproved foreign operatives. He's also actively pursued contact with Mr. Pograski, who happens to be a former KGB assassin known to have ties with at least three terrorist organizations. SYDNEY: Wait a minute, there absolutely is a reason for this. YEAGER: Yes, I'm sure that's right. That's why I'm here. SYDNEY: This is crazy! What are you saying, that Agent Vaughn is working for someone else? Who would-- YEAGER: Miss Bristow, Mr. Vaughn doesn't know an investigation of this magnitude is taking place and I will remind you that speaking to him about this is not only a criminal act, but will force us to consider you a suspect as well so I'll ask you again -- are you and Mr. Vaughn intimate? (Kendall and Jack in the ops center.) KENDALL: You suggest that we allow Irina Derevko -- a known terrorist -- to make contact with Arvin Sloane? JACK: Sloane is searching for another Rambaldi manuscript. Irina believes it's now in the possession of an associate living in Bangkok. I'll serve as her escort. We'll recover the manuscript and use it to bait Sloane. KENDALL: I doubt I'll be able to convince Washington to authorize it. Our intel would have to be convincingly precise and right now all we know about this manuscript and where it might be comes only from Derevko. JACK: We may never have a better chance to get Sloane. Remember, without Irina's help, the operation in Kashmir would have been an embarrassment. KENDALL: Jack, when the hell did we switch places? Derevko could be using this operation just to convince us that she's trustworthy. JACK: I've had twenty years to reflect on that woman's ability to deceive. Trust me. If she lies to me again, I'll know it. (Jack is inside Irina's cell.) IRINA: Stuka works out of a nightclub in Bangkok. Why? Did Kendall approve the op? JACK: Yes. We have a jet standing by. (Irina smiles a little. There's a knock on the glass. A nervous Marshall stands there, clutching a small box.) JACK: Oh, this is Marshall Flinkman. He worked with us at SD-6. MARSHALL: Hey! How you doin'? You're Sydney's mom -- that's really cool! 'Cause, uh, your daughter? Awesome, by the way! JACK: Kendall insists that you be injected with a sub-dermal tracking device. I'll have a receiver that will allow me to follow your movements on-site. (Marshall enters. Irina looks at him like he's her next treat.) MARSHALL: Yeah, you won't even really know it's there unless, you know, we put it under your thigh or somewhere else where you might sit on it and then you'll have, like, a "Princess and the Pea" moment where you feel it, but you don't. Do you know that "Princess and the Pea"? My mother-- JACK: Put it behind her shoulder. (Marshall looks terrified.) MARSHALL: Um. Okay, the thing is, it might hurt a little bit 'cause it's small but it's not really that small. (Irina moves her hair out of the way and the strap of her sh1t. He gets out the injector and looks at Jack. Jack nods, allowing him to go ahead. Marshall's forehead is covered in sweat as he takes a step closer to Irina with her back to him and injects her with the tracking device. Irina doesn't flinch.) MARSHALL: Wow... you're tough. (In the briefing room, Sydney is still being questioned by Yeager.) YEAGER: Has Mr. Vaughn made any large purchases recently? SYDNEY: Not that I'm aware of. YEAGER: Has he changed his cell phone more than once in the past six months? SYDNEY: I've answered that -- no. Why are you asking me the same question twice? YEAGER: We've traced four cell phones back to Mr. Vaughn since October. I was hoping you would have noticed that. SYDNEY: I didn't. YEAGER: Do you have private access to his laptop computer? SYDNEY: Excuse me? YEAGER: You know, while he's sleeping or in the shower or out of the house? SYDNEY: We don't live together. YEAGER: Yeah, you know, I understand that. SYDNEY: What are you asking me? YEAGER: There's a decryption program called Xenon and we have reason to believe that Mr. Vaughn has downloaded this program to his personal laptop computer and if he has, he's broken the law. SYDNEY: That's insane. YEAGER: Well, maybe it is, then we need confirmation either way. SYDNEY: You want me to check Vaughn's computer. YEAGER: We simply want you to make a little disk image. (He drops it on the table in front of her.) YEAGER: We want you to make a copy of his hard drive and uh, bring it back. SYDNEY: Listen to me, there is not a chance that he is a traitor, that he would be collaborating with an enemy. YEAGER: You know, I knew you mother. About twenty years ago, met her with your father. We used to go to a lot of these agency functions, you know. She was, uh, charming. Very disarming woman... who wasn't what she seemed. SYDNEY: It is a mistake, Mr. Yeager, to confuse Michael Vaughn with anything regarding my mother. YEAGER: She killed his father. SYDNEY: I will not spy on Michael Vaughn. YEAGER: Miss Bristow, what is your priority? National security, or your new boyfriend? (Sydney walks out of the briefing room with determination and meets Weiss heading her way.) SYDNEY: Weiss. Have you seen Vaughn? WEISS: That's all I am to you -- just a conduit to Vaughn. SYDNEY: No, I'm just-- WEISS: Have you ever seen Vaughn and said "Hey, where's Weiss?" SYDNEY: I'm just looking for him. WEISS: No, I haven't seen him. I was just called to the briefing room, do you know what this is about? SYDNEY: No. WEISS: All right. SYDNEY: See you. (Bangkok nightclub. Techno music plays as men admire the female dancers. Jack sits at the bar and takes a drink, watching as Irina enters the club wearing a slinky dress and lots of make-up. She saunters through the crowd and makes it back to the bouncer leading into the private room. She speaks Thai to him and he checks her up and down then leaves her in. A man, Stuka, is playing the knife game to a terrified woman who sits across from him. Her hand is on the table and he jabs his knife into the tabletop, between her fingers, going fast. She whimpers. Irina talks to him.) IRINA: Stuka, I see you're still playing with children. STUKA: This is amazing. I heard you were dead... we all did. IRINA: Let her go. Play with me instead. (He gestures to the terrified girl and she leaves. Irina sits down and puts both her hands down.) STUKA: Stop it. IRINA: Why not? You know me. I love games. (She puts one hand down on the table. The bodyguard standing nearby takes a drink, admiring the view. Stuka digs his knife into the table, in between her fingers. Irina gasps a little. He starts going faster. Irina doesn't move, staring at him with a smile on her face, as he goes faster. He finally stops. She grabs the knife and stabs his hand. He yells out and she takes the knife out of his hand and up to his throat. The bodyguard takes out his gun.) IRINA: Drop the gun! STUKA: Do it! IRINA: You bought a Rambaldi manuscript from Karpachev! STUKA: I don't have it anymore! IRINA: Where is it? STUKA: In Hong Kong! I traded it for opium rights! IRINA: To who? STUKA: To Chang! (Irina slits his throat anyway and, taking the knife, stabs the bodyguard in the chest and then throws the knife at the bouncer at the door. It pierces his chest. Irina walks out quickly, into the main club where Jack was. Behind her, a fourth man aims his gun at Irina's back as she walks. He's about to shoot when he's shot himself, and falls to the ground. People scream. Irina turns to see Jack, who shot the man, and saved Irina. She runs out of the club.) (On the plane. Jack and Irina sit across from one another.) JACK: Once we get the manuscript, how do you intend to let Sloane know it was you? IRINA: Word will get back to him that I was in Bangkok. He'll know it was me. (She starts to tear up a little.) IRINA: I did not see that fourth man. If you hadn't fired... I remember the first time you introduced me to Sloane. You were both working at the CIA, he came to the house for dinner. You were true friends. JACK: Yes. We shared a similar unsentimental patriotism... and a devotion to our wives. But Sloane changed and... it was Rambaldi that did it. I'm not sure what it is -- he never told me -- but Sloane has a personal connection to Rambaldi. IRINA: I lived for years with the same obsession, to find a higher meaning in Rambaldi's work. I never understood how you managed to avoid getting caught up in it. JACK: I had something neither of you did. IRINA: (nods) Sydney. (Jack gets up and tries to walk past her, but she grabs his hand. He stops.) IRINA: I never thanked you for everything that... for raising our daughter. JACK: We land in four hours. Get some rest. (At Sydney's with Sydney and Vaughn.) VAUGHN: Did you hear about your mother? The op they sent her on? SYDNEY: Yeah, with my dad. VAUGHN: How'd you find out about it? SYDNEY: My dad told me. VAUGHN: What, was it courtesy or was it part of-- SYDNEY: No, he just told me. VAUGHN: Isn't that weird to you? That they wouldn't involve us at all, the decision to reintroduce Irina Derevko to the world and we're not consulted? SYDNEY: We can't be part of every operation. VAUGHN: Well, this one we should've been. SYDNEY: I wouldn't read into it. (They smile a little, breaking the tension.) VAUGHN: You mind if I use your shower? SYDNEY: (smiles) You don't have to ask. (They kiss and he heads down the hall to the bathroom. A moment later the shower starts up. Sydney looks at his briefcase sitting on the counter but moves over to the fridge instead. She opens the fridge door and closes it immediately, walking over to the counter and opening his briefcase. She slides out his laptop, which is powered on, and opens it. She looks down the hall.) (Will and Francie are having dinner.) WILL: What I'm about to tell you, you can't tell anybody. Swear to me. FRANCIE: I swear. (Will takes a big drink of wine.) WILL: Okay. Sydney... okay. This is going to sound insane... but she works for the CIA. FRANCIE: Come on. Seriously... WILL: Francie, think about it. What bank sends their employees on that many trips? It's a cover job. It's not even a good cover job. It's insane. Those trips? They're top secret CIA missions. FRANCIE: Come on, Will. WILL: Oh, I am telling you, I have seen her in action. She's like Schwarzenegger. She's like the old Schwarzenegger. She's amazing! FRANCIE: So what does that mean? I mean, are you CIA too? WILL: No. No, I'm an analyst. FRANCIE: Really. (Will suddenly bolts upright in bed next to Francie, waking up from his dream. He looks over at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The next morning, Will comes out of the bedroom and sees Vaughn reading the paper and eating cereal.) WILL: Hi. VAUGHN: Morning. (Will opens the fridge and gets some juice.) WILL: Where is everybody? VAUGHN: Sydney just went to work. Francie left about twenty minutes ago. (Will sighs, pouring himself some juice.) VAUGHN: You okay? WILL: No. Actually, I'm not. I had this dream that I told Francie everything I knew about the agency. VAUGHN: What do they have you working on? WILL: I'm analyzing drug trafficking through the Panama Canal. And I'm reading data and then downloading information off the KH-11 satellite. VAUGHN: Exciting, right? WILL: Yeah, I guess. Why? VAUGHN: Well, 'cause it's common, you know, to dream about work, have anxiety over keeping it secret. Especially in the beginning. WILL: Really. VAUGHN: Goes away though. WILL: What, the excitement? VAUGHN: No. The dreams. (Hong Kong. Irina and Jack, wearing matching jumpsuits, stand in front of the gate of a palace. Irina hands over a document to the guard.) IRINA: You must allow us entry immediately. Our mandate to search this location has been approved by Beijing. Any noncompliance is a breach of your agreements. (He inspects the document, hands it back, and allows entry. Inside an office, Jack sets up a videocamera and Irina speaks to an official.) OFFICIAL: I'm sorry for the delay. Only this morning did we learn that an inspection team was coming to the palace. IRINA: We're investigating reports that precursor chemicals have been stored in several official buildings. OFFICIAL: If you are suggesting that we are hiding chemicals-- IRINA: That will be fore the inspectors to decide. We are only here to conduct the interview. I'm sorry. (She attaches a "mic" to his lapel and nods to Jack who pushes a button on the videocamera. The mic sprays something in the official's face which knocks him out. Irina reaches in his jacket and steals the key card, shows Jack. They walk down a hall and get to a gated door. She uses the key card and the move inside to a glass box which holds the manuscript inside a leather satchel. Jack takes out a "pen" which slices a hole in the glass. As soon as the glass is removed, Irina reaches in and takes out the satchel, looks at it adoringly. Jack looks at her.) JACK: Let's go. (They walk out with the manuscript.) (In the ops center, Sydney watches Vaughn. He takes something from a folder. He then puts a small envelope in his jacket pocket. He glances over at her and sees her watching him. She smiles and approaches.) VAUGHN: Did you speak to Will? He was a little freaked out this morning. SYDNEY: What was that? VAUGHN: Oh. Just work stuff. SYDNEY: Come here. (She pulls him aside.) SYDNEY: Are you keeping secrets from me? VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: Answer the question. VAUGHN: I'm sure I am. We just started dating. Of course there are things that I don't feel comfortable-- SYDNEY: No, that's not -- I'm not talking about us. VAUGHN: What, work then? Yeah. There are certain things, under protocol, that I'm not authorized to talk about with anyone. SYDNEY: And that's it? VAUGHN: Look, there is something you don't know about me. I don't like it when people question my loyalty. It makes me insane. SYDNEY: This isn't about loyalty. I never said anything about loyalty. VAUGHN: When you ask me if I'm keeping secrets, the suggestion's pretty clear. SYDNEY: And you know what? Secrets will be a problem between us. After everything we've been through, you should know that. (He takes out the small envelope from his jacket pocket and opens it. He takes out a key.) VAUGHN: This is the key to my apartment. I was going to give it to you tonight over dinner. Obviously, an inappropriate move. SYDNEY: Vaughn... VAUGHN: Barnett's waiting for me. (Briefing room with Yeager. Sydney enters. She puts the disk down on the table.) YEAGER: You made the right decision. SYDNEY: That disk is blank. I didn't make a copy of Agent Vaughn's hard drive. The fact that I doubted Vaughn's motives makes me sick. YEAGER: You should be aware that by choosing not to assist, you are implicating yourself in Agent Vaughn's activities. SYDNEY: Don't threaten me again. YEAGER: And you could be prosecuted as an accessory. SYDNEY: I understand. YEAGER: Understand that there are consequences to your actions. SYDNEY: There are consequences, that's my point. Ask youself, would you betray someone you love? YEAGER: Well, I guess we have an answer to the intimacy question. (Sloane inspects the manuscript he put together in the last episode. Sark enters.) SARK: Mr. Sloane. SLOANE: Yes? SARK: It seems Irina Derevko was seen last night in Bangkok. SLOANE: Where? SARK: At a club with Ilya Stuka. (Ops center. Jack walks up to Kendall.) JACK: Sark made contact through one of Irina's e-mail accounts. KENDALL: He took the bait? JACK: He wants a meeting to discuss the purchase of the Rambaldi manuscript. KENDALL: Can we trace his message? JACK: No, it was sent through anonymous remailers. I'm going to set up the meeting in Panama, ostensibly between Irina and Sloane. KENDALL: Jack, you make this happen, you can have my job. JACK: No thanks. I'll need Delta force. KENDALL: You'll get whatever you need. (In Irina's cell, she inspects the Rambaldi manuscript on the heart and writes. Sydney watches her from the other side of the glass. Irina turns, sees her, and walks over.) SYDNEY: Dad says you're going to Panama. (Irina nods.) SYDNEY: Do you think there's a chance you'll get Sloane? IRINA: I wanted to see you because... it's going to be dangerous, setting this trap. I hope it goes well but there's no guarantee. So whatever happens, there's something I need you to know. Sydney, I love you. SYDNEY: Mom-- IRINA: You don't have to say anything. I'm pretty sure I haven't earned very much, and that's okay. This was just something I needed to say. SYDNEY: Mom, you're coming back. IRINA: I hope so. (She places her hand on the glass. Sydney places her hand on the glass against Irina's. They smile. Irina drops her hand.) (Will is in bed with Francie who is sitting up next to him. His eyes are closed.) FRANCIE: Did you have any trouble accessing the KH-11 satellite images? Was anyone suspicious? WILL: No. I used them in my report. Nobody was suspicious. FRANCIE: The first image you saw. See it in your mind. Do you see any markings? WILL: No. I don't think so. (We get a flash of the document.) WILL: Wait. There are two sets of numbers at the bottom right hand corner. FRANCIE: Read them to me. WILL: X48471 - GY798623. FRANCIE: What are they? WILL: The orbital location of the satellite and its operational control. FRANCIE: Good. I'm going to count back from five. When you wake up, you'll have no memory of this conversation. All you'll remember is that tonight, you had the best s*x of your life. Five... four... three... (She settles in bed next to him.) FRANCIE: Two... one. (Will's eyes open.) (In a Panama hotel room, Jack and Irina sit at a table going over the plan.) JACK: Based on our agreement, tomorrow morning you and two Delta force guards will be dropped off here. If Sloane follows the plan, he'll drive north to meet you. IRINA: Won't he be suspicious if I don't have the Rambaldi manuscript? JACK: Sloane is smart enough to know that you would never bring it with you at first contact. He'll expect that you have it close by. CIA will be tracking you on satellite back in Los Angeles in contact with me and a chopper waiting ten blocks away. When the call is made, the team will surround the vehicle and ambush Sloane. IRINA: Pretty straightforward. (She watches as Jack takes a drink of red wine from his nearby glass.) JACK: I think we've got a shot. IRINA: There's one thing. The tracker you put in my shoulder. JACK: You want it removed. IRINA: If they discover I've been tagged, it's over. We both know that. (Later. Irina has her bare shoulder exposed to Jack. He cuts her shoulder with a scalpel.) JACK: Of course, Kendall would have me court-martialed for this. IRINA: Kendall is not as smart as you are. JACK: Got it. (He puts a bandage on her shoulder. She winces a bit.) JACK: You okay? IRINA: This is nothing. (They lock eyes for a moment.) IRINA: We need to be up early. JACK: Yes. IRINA: We should get to bed. JACK: Yeah, we should. (Irina leans forward a bit and Jack moves in. They passionately kiss and move back.) (Sydney walks down the hall at the ops center. Weiss falls into step beside her.) WEISS: Hey. You know the thing we're both involved in that we can't talk about? SYDNEY: Yeah. WEISS: Yeah, well, I know a guy from the farm who works with Yeager and he's about to file a formal charge against Vaughn. Mishandling classified intelligence. SYDNEY: What?! WEISS: Yeah. (Sydney takes out her cell.) SYDNEY: I need to talk to him! WEISS: No, no, no, no, no, whoa. You do that and you're breaking six different laws. SYDNEY: He needs to know that this is happening! WEISS: Fine. But his phone is probably already tapped. Agency cars are equipped with GPS navigators. SYDNEY: Can you access the system? WEISS: Yeah. (In a seedy part of town, Sydney drives up to a rundown bar and watches Porgaski make his way inside. Vaughn's car is parked there. Sydney speaks on the phone to Weiss who is back on his headset at the ops center.) SYDNEY: I found his car. WEISS: Roger that. Keep me posted. (Sydney enters the bar and sees Vaughn talking to Porgaski at the counter. He gives him money and Porgaski hands over an envelope. He takes a drink and walks out by Sydney, who picks up a pay phone to not be detected. She watches as Vaughn, now alone, opens up the envelope and takes out some papers, looking them over. Sydney sits beside him. He stares ahead, clenches his jaw.) SYDNEY: What are you doing here? VAUGHN: Sydney... SYDNEY: I asked you a question. VAUGHN: What's going on? SYDNEY: Don't tell me it was nothing. VAUGHN: Are you following me? SYDNEY: You just bought something. VAUGHN: It's research. SYDNEY: Research? What kind of research? VAUGHN: It's something private. Something just for me. SYDNEY: Who do you think you work for? Nothing is private. You're being investigated. VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: And when they find out I told you, I'll be a target. So don't lie to me. VAUGHN: Sydney, I am not disloyal. SYDNEY: Then why did they say you've been meeting with high-ranking FSB officers, an ex-KGB assassin? They have you in Istanbul, Prague, Krakow without authorization. Vaughn, if there is some explanation for what you've been doing the past four months, I need to hear what it is right now. (The CIA van drives up to the meeting point in Panama. The Delta force guards climb out, as does Irina. She looks around and turns to Jack, who is seated inside. She smiles at him. He nods. The doors close and Irina and her guards wait for Sloane. Jack speaks to Kendall via headset as the van drives away.) JACK: They are at the location. KENDALL: KH-11 has them on screen. There's a limousine approaching from the southwest. JACK: I see it. (The limo comes to a stop and Sark gets out.) JACK: It's Sark. (He comes around and Irina walks up.) KENDALL: Delta team stand by. (Sark opens the back door. She looks in. No Sloane.) SARK: I realize the plan was for Mr. Sloane to meet you here but for security reasons, I'm afraid that's impossible. If you get in, I'll take you to him. Only you. KENDALL: Why isn't she getting in? IRINA: Where's Sloane? SARK: Close. I assure you. IRINA: Then bring him to me. SARK: That's not an option. IRINA: Then our deal's off. SARK: So be it. (He closes the door and makes his way back to the driver's side.) KENDALL: Tell her to get in the car, damn it! We'll track her to him! IRINA: It's a big car. I believe there's room for all of us. SARK: That wasn't the plan. Get in. (They open the door and start climbing in the limo's back seat. Kendall and Jack watch via the satellite in the sky.) KENDALL: He's letting her take the guards? How'd she pull that off? (Before Irina gets in, she looks up at the sky. Jack watches her get in.) (At the bar.) VAUGHN: Now I understand why you were asking about secrets. Yes, there is something I haven't told you. It hasn't been easy, accepting the idea that my job requires me to... collaborate with my father's killer. And the fact that she happens to be your mother didn't make it easier. So I've been investigating on my own for the past six months. I couldn't wait for the agency's red tape so I contacted everyone I could, anyone who knew her, who ran in the same circles. I-I retraced sat phone records that were logged while your mother was with you in India, Kashmir. Tracked recorded conversations between your mother's former lieutenants to see if she signaled them when Kendall gave her access to Echelon. SYDNEY: I don't understand. You wanted us to work with her. You encouraged it. VAUGHN: Because I believed your father was right about her having a secret agenda. I wanted to see what she was going to do. I mean, I did all this on my own. I paid for this myself, I had freelance agents retrace every step of every hour she's taken outside operations since her surrender. I surveilled prison guards who we assigned to her cell block, the kitchen staff who prepares her meals... SYDNEY: They told me you downloaded Xenon. VAUGHN: I downloaded that program to read KGB files. I had to find out if she was deceiving us again. I mean, I could not sleep at night knowing I was doing nothing. That somehow, I was helping her. (Sydney looks at all the files he's poured out of his briefcase. She opens a file.) (The limo drives along. Sark looks at Irina from the rearview. She looks out the window.) KENDALL: We are visually tracking a moving target. Delta team, stand by for go code. (All of a sudden, the satellite signal is lost and everyone -- Jack and the LA ops center -- gets static.) AGENT: We've lost the downlink. KENDALL: What the hell? Get back online! AGENT: Sir, someone's hacked the signal. (Francie talks on her cell.) FRANCIE: Are the codes good? (Sloane is on his cell, standing beside someone using a laptop.) SLOANE: Yes. Thank you. (They hang up.) (Kendall talks to Jack.) KENDALL: Jack, we're blind! You're gonna have to follow her from your end. Activate the tracking device. JACK: I can't. Send in the team! KENDALL: Delta team go, repeat, Delta team go! (As the limo drives, the helicopter comes behind them.) DELTA: We've got them in sight! (The helicopter follows.) KENDALL: Stay with that car! (Barely making a turn, Sark looks back at Irina as they come to an overpass. The helicopter follows. The limo disappears under the overpass.) DELTA: Lost visual. Got them again. (The limo reappears and continues to drive.) DELTA: We're going to head them off. (The limo comes to a stop.) DETLA: We got them stopped. Stand by! (The driver of the limo gets out, hands up, and kneels on the ground. Jack's van drives up and he gets out, with his gun raised, and approaches the driver. He jerks the guy around -- it's not Sark.) DRIVER: They paid me to drive! They paid me to do it! (Jack opens the door to the limo -- empty. He slams it shut.) JACK: Check the Rambaldi manuscript! KENDALL: Get me the Rambaldi manuscript now! (The agent runs off to get it. The real Sark/Irina limo, under the overpass, stops. Sark turns around and shoots the two Delta guards.) SARK: Step out of the car please. (At the bar.) SYDNEY: And did you find anything? VAUGHN: Nothing. She's clean. (Back in Panama.) JACK: Do you have the book? KENDALL: It's coming, it's coming. (A van marked Policia drives up to the limo. Irina walks over to it. The agent walks to Kendall carrying the briefcase. He opens it, sees the leather satchel inside. The van comes to a stop and Sark slides open the door. Sloane is inside.) SLOANE: It's good to see you again, Irina. IRINA: Thank you for extracting me. (He extends his hand to her. She takes it, stepping inside the van. Sark gets in as well, closing the door behind them. The van drives away.) (Kendall opens the satchell and there are stacks of different colored Post-Its. He's furious.) KENDALL: Jack, it's gone. (Jack walks away from the driver and the helicopter, putting his back to everyone, with his gun lowered.)

Plan: A: CIA Agent Yaeger; Q: Who tells Sydney that Vaughn is under investigation? A: Irina; Q: Who was Vaughn investigating? A: bait; Q: What is used to try to catch Sloane? A: the Agency; Q: Who was slow? A: a lie; Q: What was Vaughn trying to catch Irina in? A: additional information; Q: What did Vaughn want to discover about Irina? A: Dixon; Q: Who does Sydney welcome to the CIA? Summary: Sydney begins to question where Vaughn's allegiances lie when she learns through CIA Agent Yaeger that he is under investigation. Meanwhile Irina and another crucial Rambaldi manuscript-this one about the secret of eternal life-are used as bait to try to catch Sloane. It turns out Vaughn had only been investigating Irina through his own means because the Agency was slow and he wanted to see if he could catch her in a lie or discover additional information. Sydney also welcomes Dixon to the CIA.

David Brent: Oh, sorry, mate. Michael: [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate. David: [laughing] What you doing? Michael: English? David: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that. Michael: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct? David: Yeah big time, yeah. Michael: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah. David: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you? Michael: Michael Scott. David: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like. Michael: [laughing] David: Herrow! Herrow! Michael: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping! David: You can't do that these days. You can't. Michael: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality. David: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh. Michael: That's good. Pleasure to meet you. David: Where are you working? Michael: Dunder Mifflin. David: Any jobs now? Michael: No, not right now. David: Just let me know. Michael: All right. See you around. David: All right. Michael: Bye-bye. What a nice guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard. Andy: That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Oh it's... [points to conference room] Michael: [enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. Erin: Michael? Michael: Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos. Erin: Ooh. Wait, Michael? Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best. Jim: Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win. Andy: Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous. Jim: Wow. [sees guy at Erin's desk] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar. Andy: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy, Jim: I know. Andy: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night. Jim: I'm really sorry. I can't do it. Andy: You can't. You can't. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over? Pam: What's going on? Do you know that guy? Jim: I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office. Dwight: Hey. Jim: Hey. Dwight: [to Erin] How are the marks? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What are some of your small business ideas? Older guy: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts. Phyllis, Stanley, Dwight: Oooh! Dwight: That's great. There's a big, big future in that. Phyllis: A lot of mines in Scranton. Dwight: Um, what about you? Younger Guy: Uh, credit cards. Dwight: Uh-huh. Younger Guy: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction. Dwight: Wow! Younger Guy: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents. Dwight: Right. Okay? Great. Stanley: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You promised us whales. These are worms. Andy: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter. Stanley: I'm out. Andy: Stanley, you're suppose to close. Phyllis: I'm out too. Andy: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team. Dwight: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and... Holly: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos? Holly: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian. Michael: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today. Holly: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus. Michael: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [muttering] Down... there. [to Pam] Is "jlp" a word? Pam: "Jelp?" J-e-l-p? Erin: No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!" Pam: I don't think that's a word. Erin: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You want some help? Erin: Really? Pam: Mm-hmm. Erin: Yes. Pam: K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean? Oscar: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"? Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes. Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a... Erin: Uh... Oscar: A triple word. Erin: Like the cow mood yesterday. God. Oscar: Or moon. Erin: The cow jumped over the moon. Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing. Pam: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy. Kevin: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam. Andy: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great. Kevin: Then I won't let you down. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Cake. Ryan: In you go. Andy: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right? Ryan: Yup. Andy: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business. Ryan: And? Andy: Can you do it? Ryan: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that. Andy: So no? Ryan: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment. Kelly: Oh, baby. Andy: What do I put you down for, bro hombre? Ryan: Yes. Andy: All right! Ryan: Yes, I'll do it. Andy: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome. Ryan: And if I flake, I flake. Andy: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Kevin, you open it up. Kevin: Yep. Andy: Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed[/b]: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three! Kevin: Go. Creed: Creed! Ha! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog. Older Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem. Andy: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. [plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train] Kevin: [running laps around the conference room] Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing]. Andy: Are you okay? Kevin: No. Yes! Andy: Here... Kevin: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last... Kelly: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend. Andy: What are you... Kelly: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch." [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing. Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise. Kelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone. Professor Powell: Uh, why? Kelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business? Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets. Kelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me. Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline. Kelly: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That brilliant little bitch. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there. Erin: Wait. Why? Oscar: Put the "q" there, sweetie. Pam: I think there's better... Oscar: Put the "q" there! [phone rings] Sorry I yelled. Pam: You could have just told us what you were thinking. Oscar: There's no theater in that. Pam: There's no yelling in that, either. Oscar: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: What do you do in your free time? Michael: [as Mikanos] Practice Olympics. Holly: Mmm. Do you like movies? Michael: [as Mikanos] I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home". Holly: We have to try this out on somebody. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [as Mikanos] Hello. Hank: Look, you want to order something? Michael: She will have a greekaccino. Hank: I don't know what that is. Michael: It... Holly: [with accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat. Michael: [laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk! Holly: No more brain damage. Michael: No more brain damage! Holly: Ahh! [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause] Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a pen1s. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question[/b]: Why are you here? Andy: [clapping] Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down. Erin: When I win... Gabe: Ooh. Erin: We're gonna watch "Wall-e", where all the boundaries of color are pushed. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So what's your crazy business pipe dream? Guy: Well, I started my own golf supply company. Dwight: [unimpressed] Really? Guy: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth. Dwight: [quietly] Phyllis? Phyllis: Hmm? Dwight: Some of these people are for real. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you. Andy: Thank you. Dwight: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh? Andy: Really? Darryl: Ahem! Andy: Excuse me. Dwight: I got it. I got it. Andy: [turning towards Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge? Darryl: [whispering] They're a bunch of jackals. Andy: What? Darryl: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home. Andy: [to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis][/b]: Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. [to Michael and Holly] Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on? Dwight: [whispering] You're gonna blow it. Andy: Maybe. Only maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: We got it! Wow! We got it! Pam: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself. Oscar: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes. Erin: Yes. Oscar: [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughing] [hands phone back]. Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have. Erin: Apoplexy. Oscar: Yes. Erin: Got it. [plays word] Oh, Oscar. Oscar? [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I played "ape." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so... Michael: [as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now. Andy: Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it. Michael: No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it. Andy: Yeah, yeah. Michael: Andy, what's the problem? Andy: This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy. Michael: You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer? Pam: I don't know. They're still in there. Jim: Ohh! Good-bye. Pam: Stop. Out with it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom. Jim: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually. Pam: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group. Jim: I was blue group, so it was second from the top. Pam: And Tom... Jim: Was in the green group. Pam: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence. Jim: And that's what I told him. Pam: Right. But how'd you say it? Jim: "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with." [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now? Older Woman: I'll take one. Andy: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [younger guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right! Kelly: Yeah bitch. Andy: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life. Michael: [quietly] No, no, no. Andy: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime. Kelly: Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Tom: Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda? Jim: Yeah, woah. [deeper voice] Yep, absolutely, go ahead. Tom: Hey. Jim: Hey. Tom: How's it goin'? Jim: Pretty good. Tom: It's been a while. Jim: It has been, yeah. Tom: So you work here, huh? Jim: Sales. Tom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs] Jim: [laughs] Tom: 'Cause you're so smart. Jim: Oh, man. You remember that, huh? Tom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius. Jim: All right, good catch-up. Tom: Yeah. Jim: See ya. Tom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya. Andy: Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [with accent] Wonderful seminar! Michael: [as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on. Holly: Michael, I should get back to work. Michael: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: So, I won. Erin: I know. You get to pick. Gabe: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e". Erin: Yes? Gabe: So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married... Andy: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it. Erin: There's a "Shrek" two?! Andy: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow. Gabe: Nice guy. Erin: Ohh. [laughs]

Plan: A: Andy; Q: Who holds a small business seminar? A: the office; Q: Where does Andy hold the seminar? A: his sales; Q: What is Andy's lowest? A: an improv challenge; Q: What do Michael and Holly use the seminar as? A: a Greek couple; Q: Who do Michael and Holly pretend to be? A: Erin; Q: Who is a bad Scrabble player? A: Scrabble; Q: What game do Erin and Gabe play? Summary: Andy holds a small business seminar in the office with some special guests to earn some extra cash, after he finds out that his sales are the lowest. Michael and Holly use the seminar as an improv challenge, posing as a Greek couple. Erin and Gabe have a game of Scrabble to decide who will choose their movie of the day. Oscar and Pam help Erin out when she turns out to be a very bad Scrabble player.

-[Fairy Tale World]- (Abigail's carriage arrives at an area in the forest, where King George and several of his men are waiting.) King George: Princess Abigail. Your beauty grows with each passing day. It is an honour to have you join my family. Abigail: Thank you, Your Majesty. (Frantic noise is heard in the background.) Abigail: Is everything okay? King George: Just the excitement at the royal wedding. We want to ensure the safety of our guests. So, if you'll excuse me. (He walks away from Abigail and approaches one of the knights.) King George: Find him. (Prince Charming is shown being chased by several knights on horseback. They attempt to shoot him with arrows, but continuously miss. They come to a fallen tree, which Prince Charming's horse manages to jump over. King George's men end up losing sight of Prince Charming.) Knight: Split up! (Prince Charming watches the knights scatter from afar. When he turns around, two hooded figures kidnap him.) -[Real World]- (David and Kathryn are eating dinner at home.) David: Chicken's delicious. Kathryn: David, there's something we need to discuss. David: Okay. Kathryn: I applied to law school. David: That's amazing! Why didn't you ever tell me? Kathryn: I don't know. Maybe cause I didn't think I could actually do it, but I did. I got this today - I got in. (She hands him a piece of paper.) David: It... It's in Boston. Kathryn: I know things have been hard between us, but maybe a fresh start is what we need. Maybe we've been fighting too hard to recapture old memories, when we should've been making new ones instead. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The hooded figures have Prince Charming hostage in the forest. His wrists are tied in front of him. One of the hooded figures walks towards him with a knife.) Prince Charming: Who are you? What are you waiting for? Do you think I fear you? (The hooded figure cuts Prince Charming's binds. Confused, Abigail then appears in front of him.) Prince Charming: Abigail? What are you doing here? Abigail: I wanted to get my hands on you before your father ripped you to shreds. Prince Charming: How did you know I was going- Abigail: Because I have ears in the King's court. And, despite everyone's best efforts to shield me from it, I know the truth. You love Snow White and you have no intention of marrying me. Prince Charming: I won't marry someone I don't love, or give that despot the satisfaction that I helped him. If that means suffering the consequences, so be it. Abigail: You're prepared to lay down your life. How charming. But I didn't come here to see you die - I came here to help you escape. Prince Charming: Why would you do anything to help me? Abigail: Because I don't want to marry you either. -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret gets out of her car and meets David on the main street.) MMB: What did you tell her? David: That I needed to take a walk. Clear my head. Think about it. MMB: I'm guessing you didn't tell her that the walk was with me. David: No. No, of course not. MMB: Why is that our default? Lying? David: Because I don't- MMB: We're not being honest. I know it's hard, but we have to tell her the truth about everything - about us. David: I don't know if I can. MMB: You have to. If we can't be honest with other people, how can we be honest with each other? David: Is it really the best plan? MMB: What's your plan? Moving to Boston? David: No. MMB: The only way no one gets hurt here, is if we don't want to be together. Is that what you want? David: No. MMB: Well, then we have to stop hiding and do something. It's better she hears it from you than from someone else. You have to make a choice. David: I choose you. MMB: Then, it's time to tell Kathryn. [SCENE_BREAK] (August's motorcycle is parked out of Granny's Diner. Emma arrives at the same time that August is leaving.) August: I've been meaning to bump into you. Matter of fact, I was hoping we might grab that drink you promised. Emma: Is that you asking me out? August: Well, if putting a label on it makes you more comfortable, sure. Let's call it a date. Emma: I thought you came here to write - find inspiration. August: I'm optimistic about our date. Emma: See, I have a policy - I won't go out with guys who won't tell me their names. I find it weeds out the ones who like to keep secrets, like they're already married or they store body parts in their freezer. It was nice talking to you. (Emma walks past him to enter the diner.) August: It's August. August W. Booth. Emma: Really? With the middle initial? August: W's for Wayne. So, there goes your reason for not meeting me here after work. (Emma enters the diner alone. Mary Margaret is already there waiting.) MMB: Who was that? Emma: I don't know yet. MMB: Yet? So, you're going to find out? Emma: It's nothing. MMB: Nothing with you means something. Because if it were nothing, we wouldn't be talking about it. Emma: I'm sorry - I thought you called me here to talk about you? MMB: Yeah, but talking about you is easier right now. Emma: What is it? What's going on? (They lower their voices to a whisper.) MMB: Remember when you told me to stay away from David and I agreed? Emma: Yes. MMB: I didn't. Emma: Yeah, I know. MMB: You do? How? Emma: Because I'm Sheriff, and you are a lovesick school teacher. Covering your tracks is not exactly your strong suit. MMB: Well, I've been discre- Discrete. Emma: Two teacups in the sink, new perfume, late nights, plunging necklines. It was not hard to connect the dots. MMB: Plunging? Emma: When I met you, you were a top button kind of girl. MMB: Huh. Why didn't you say anything? Emma: I'm not your mother. MMB: No. Well, according to Henry, I'm yours. Emma: I just figured that you would let me know when it was time. I'm assuming it's time. MMB: He's telling Kathryn. Emma: Everything? MMB: Everything. [SCENE_BREAK] (Kathryn is on the computer, when she hears David return home.) Kathryn: David? David, come take a look. I found a whole bunch of great apartment options. I have no idea which neighbourhood to look at, but... Have you ever been to Boston? David: No. No, I've never been. Kathryn: Maybe we should ask the Sheriff, Emma. She's from there. She could probably help- David: Kathryn. I can't go to Boston with you. Kathryn: Can't? Or won't? David: I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I... I don't know what to say. Kathryn: Try the truth. David, is there something going on that I don't know about? David: No. No, something happened. I don't know what it is, but there is something that's preventing me from connecting. And it's not fair to you to let that screw up your life. You're right - you need a fresh start. It's just not with me. -[Fairy Tale World]- (By horseback, Abigail, Prince Charming, and Abigail's men arrive at a clearing in the forest. They get off, and Abigail goes to retrieve a bag with provisions.) Abigail: We have reached my father's realm. We should be safe here. I have provisions waiting for you. (She hands him the bag, but he throws it aside.) Prince Charming: I can't take any of it. Not until you tell me what's really going on. Abigail: I told you, I was just- Prince Charming: Stop playing games. If you have no feelings for me, as you've said, why show me any kindness at all? What haven't you told me? Abigail: This isn't about you, James - it's me. I don't want to marry you, because my heart also belongs to another. A man I was once to wed. A man named Frederick. Prince Charming: What happened? Abigail: We all have our own tragedies, lost love being the worst. I thought reuniting you with yours might grant me some consolation. Prince Charming: Well, I'm afraid I'm not able to help you, then. My 'love' told me in no uncertain terms that she does not feel for me as I do for her. You can't fight for something that doesn't exist. So, there's my tragedy. Abigail: That's no tragedy. Come - follow me. (Abigail leads Prince Charming to a small shrine, which is built around a golden statue of a man.) Abigail: A moment, please. (The guards leave the two of them alone.) Abigail: This is where my beloved Frederick sacrificed his life. Prince Charming: I'm sorry. Did he die in battle? Abigail: We were traveling with my father, King Midas, when our caravan was ambushed. Frederick bravely defended us and was cut down saving my father's life. Prince Charming: It's a fitting tribute. The craftsmanship is... Is remarkable. I've never seen anything quite so lifelike. (He touches the statue.) Abigail: That's because the hand you're touching, is actually Frederick's. Prince Charming: Excuse me? Abigail: It's not a statue. Frederick saw the attack when no one else did, and threw himself in front of my father, knocking him to safety. Because of my father's curse, he was instantly turned to gold. Prince Charming: All curses can be broken. Have you tried true love's kiss? Abigail: Until my lips bled. Prince Charming: The gold got in the way. There must be something else to do. Abigail: There is legend of a lake - Lake Nostos. Its waters are said to have magical properties, that can return to you something that was once lost. Prince Charming: And, yet, you haven't tried it? Abigail: Of course I have. But the lake is guarded by a ghastly creature that drowns its victims. No one who's ever faced it has lived to return. Prince Charming: Don't give up hope just yet. I will face this guardian and return with the water that will undo this wretched curse. Abigail: None have succeeded. Prince Charming: None have my fearless bravery. Abigail: Or fearless disregard for their own safety. Prince Charming: Either way, one of us should have our happiness. Abigail: And if you die, neither of us will. Prince Charming: No, not true. Don't you understand? If I succeed, you will be reunited with Frederick and your misery ends. If I fail, the misery that ends will be mine. -[Real World]- (August is shown with Henry's book. He has taken it apart and is treating each of the pages. Around the room, he has several of the pages hanging on a clothes line to dry. On the table, part of the book has already been rebound. August takes a dried page off of the line and adds it to the stack. He starts to rebind it with string.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Henry are sitting on the couch in Regina's office. Henry has a box with a bow on his lap.) Regina: Oh, go on. Open it. Henry: What's the occasion? Regina: The occasion is I love you. Go on. (Henry opens the box and pulls out a video game.) Regina: Now, I know you miss your book, but with this, you can do the heroics. You can save the princesses, you can be the hero. Henry, you have to believe me. When I tore down the playground, I did it for your safety. Please, don't be upset with me. I really didn't mean to destroy your book. Henry: It's not just the book. Regina: Okay, then what is it? Henry: It's Emma - I want to see her. (Kathryn opens the door of Regina's office.) Kathryn: Regina, have you got a min- I'm sorry. Regina: Oh, don't worry about it. Henry, why don't you get home and start your homework? I'll be there in a bit and we can have dinner. (Henry leaves. Kathryn starts to cry and Regina walks over to her.) Regina: Oh, Kathryn, what is it? Kathryn: It's David. He's leaving me. Regina: That little home wrecker. Kathryn: Excuse me? Regina: She just couldn't stay away, could she? Kathryn: What are you talking about? Regina: Why, Mary Margaret, of course. Kathryn: What's Mary Margaret got to do with this? What's Mary Margaret got to do with any of this? Regina, do you know something? Regina: They've been having an affair. Kathryn: How do you know this? How? Did you see something? Regina: I saw pictures. Sidney was always looking for scandal - it sells papers. He showed me. I buried them, of course. Kathryn: Show me. Regina: Kathryn- Kathryn: Show me! (They walk over to Regina's desk, where Regina pulls out a folder. Kathryn opens it, and takes out several pictures showing David and Mary Margaret together.) Kathryn: Why didn't you tell me? Regina: Because I thought you two were working it out. I wanted you to work it out. Believe me, I want you two together. Kathryn: Why? Why do you care about any of this? Regina: Because I'm your friend. Kathryn: No, you're not. A friend wouldn't do this. A friend wouldn't lie. Everyone's lying to me. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Abigail and Prince Charming come to a small shrine. There are candles, helmets, swords, and other things placed around it.) Prince Charming: What's this? Abigail: It's a shrine to the guardian of the lake. Every man who faces it leaves an offering here first, asking for the creature's mercy. Prince Charming: I go the rest of the way alone. Abigail: No, this is for me. You have to let me come with you. Prince Charming: No. The only life I want in my hands, is my own. Abigail: Good luck, then. And don't forget... (She looks at the shrine.) Prince Charming: A lot of good it did them. (He leaves without leaving anything at the shrine.) -[Real World]- (At the school, Mary Margaret is walking through the halls. David is at his house, looking through pictures, when he decides to call Mary Margaret.) MMB: Hey. Did, uh... Did you do it? David: Yeah. It's bad. MB: I'm sorry. David: No, it was, um... It was really bad. MMB: But you told the truth. So, now, we can pick up the pieces. We can start over from a real place. David: Hey, I want to see you. Can I come by when you get done at school? MMB: Of course! I'll see you then. And, David - you did the right thing. (They hang up. Kathryn enters the hallway and heads towards Mary Margaret. She bumps into the gym teacher in the process.) Gym Teacher: Oh, hey! Watch where you're going. MMB: Kathryn. I'm... I'm sorry. (Kathryn slaps Mary Margaret.) Kathryn: Screw you, you're sorry. MMB: I understand you're upset. You have every right to be. Kathryn: Thank you for that insight. MMB: Can we... Can we please talk somewhere private? Kathryn: Private? Why do you get any consideration at all? You have shown none for me - either of you. All you did was lie. MMB: We should have talked to you sooner, but we've been completely honest. We didn't lie. Kathryn: You didn't lie? You snuck around. You had him break up my marriage with a pack of lies. With some crap about not being able to connect? He didn't have any trouble connecting with you. MMB: David didn't tell you about us? Kathryn: No, of course not. That would have been the honourable thing to do. MMB: But, he said he would tell you. Kathryn: Well, then he lied to you, too. Good luck making it work. You two deserve each other. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming arrives at Lake Nostos. He takes off his cloak before approaching the edge of the lake. He dips a canteen into the water, causing a ripple to spread throughout the lake. He steps back.) Prince Charming: Where are you? Make yourself known to me! (Prince Charming draws his sword.) Prince Charming: Beast! Show yourself. (Bubbles appear in the middle of the lake, along with a glowing light. A siren then emerges from the water.) Siren: Here I am. -[Real World]- (August pulls up to Granny's Diner on his motorcycle. Emma comes out to meet him, while Granny watches off to the side.) Emma: You going to come in? I thought you wanted that drink. August: I do, but I didn't say here. Hop on. Emma: You want me to get on the back of that bike? August: That's what 'hop on' means. Emma: How about if we go somewhere, I drive? August: How about you stop having to control everything and take a leap of faith? You owe me a drink. Hop on. I know a good watering hole. Granny: If you don't, I will. (August hands Emma a helmet and the two ride off.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and August reach a well at the edge of the forest. They get off the bike and walk over to it.) Emma: A watering hole? Literally? August: Well, say what you want about me - I always tell the truth. Emma: I just thought a drink was, like, wine or whiskey. August: What, do you want me to get you drunk? Emma: No. August: Next time. Emma: You are optimistic. (August brings over two cups. He hands one to Emma, then begins to pull up the well's bucket.) August: They say there's something special about this well. There's even a legend. They say that the water from the well is fed by an underground lake, and that lake has magical properties. Emma: Magic? You sound like Henry. August: Smart kid. So, this legend. It says that if you drink the water from the well, something lost will be returned to you. Emma: You know an awful lot about this town for being a stranger. August: And you know very little for being the Sheriff. Emma: How do you know all this? You've been here before? August: I know all of this for one very simple reason - I read the plaque. Emma: You actually believe that? August: I'm a writer. I have to have an open mind. Emma: Yeah, but magic? August: Water is a very powerful thing. Cultures as old as time have worshipped it. It flows throughout all lands, connecting the entire world. If anything had mystical properties - if anything had magic - well, I'd say it'd be water. Emma: That's asking a lot to believe on faith. August: If you need evidence for everything, Emma, you're going to find yourself stuck in one place for a long time. Emma: Maybe. Or, maybe I'll just find the truth before anyone else. (He hands her one of the cups.) August: Well, Miss Skeptic, there's one thing I can tell you for sure that requires no leap of faith, and I know you'll agree with me. Emma: What's that? August: It's good water. (They toast.) [SCENE_BREAK] (As Mary Margaret walks down the street, she crosses paths with several people who appear to be talking and whispering about her. Due to being distracted, she bumps into Granny.) Granny: Oh, gosh! MMB: I'm sorry, Granny. I must have not been looking. Granny: I'm sorry, I didn't... Oh. You. MMB: Excuse me? Granny: You should be ashamed of yourself. (Granny quickly continues on down the street.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (At Lake Nostos, the siren walks across the water towards Prince Charming.) Siren: What's your name? Would you like to know mine? Because I can be anyone you want me to be. Prince Charming: Stop - I know what you are. You're a siren. Your deceitful words are a spell meant to lure me to my death. Siren: I would never hurt such a brave, powerful man like yourself. Not when there are so many other things we could do. Prince Charming: I said stop! I will not fall prey to your deceptions. Siren: Really? You're immune to me. (She bends over and cups a handful of water. When she pours it over herself, she transforms into Snow White.) Siren: Like me more now, Charming? Prince Charming: No. You're not really her. It's an illusion. I know it's not real. Siren: Sometimes, illusions are better than truth. Everything you want that you can't have, I can give it to you. All you have to do...is kiss me. I know you want to. I can feel it. Prince Charming: No. (They kiss. When they break apart, the siren begins to lead Prince Charming into the lake.) Prince Charming: No. I don't want an illusion. I want reality or nothing. Siren: This doesn't feel real? (They kiss again.) Prince Charming: Snow... Siren: That's right. It's me. (And again.) Siren: I love you. Prince Charming: No. (...And again.) Prince Charming: No. It's not you. Siren: Yes, it is. I love you. Prince Charming: No. This is not real love. I've felt it, and this isn't it. I know the difference. Siren: Congratulations, Prince Charming - you're the first. (The siren pushes Prince Charming into the water and drags him under. She lets him go, then tries to coax him closer to her. He notices several skeletons and bodies of armor at the bottom of the lake. He attempts to swim away, but is grabbed at the ankle by a piece of seaweed. Trapped, the siren swims towards Prince Charming. He sees a knife on the ground. When the siren kisses him again, he stabs her. Now free, he swims to the surface of the lake.) -[Real World]- (David fruitlessly tries to scrub the word 'tramp' off of the side of Mary Margaret's car, which has been written with red spray paint. Mary Margaret sees him when she gets to her car.) MMB: Who did this? David: I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know how any of this happened. MMB: You don't know? Really? David: Mary Margaret, I can't control what other people do. MMB: No, but you can control what you do. And you lied. And, now, everyone is calling me a tramp. David: Who told her? MMB: That is exactly the wrong question. The real question is, why didn't you do what we discussed? Why didn't you tell her? David: I thought we could spare her feelings. MMB: Right - you thought. Not we - you. And we discussed this. David: I didn't want anyone to get hurt. MMB: Now everyone is hurt. We had an understanding. We had an agreement. But you not only lied to her, you lied to me. David: Mary Margaret, please. Listen to me. If we want to see if... If this - if what we have - is love... We have to do what you said. You know, we have to pick up the pieces, and we've got to move on. MMB: David, this isn't love. What we have is something else entirely. What we have is destructive, and it has to stop. David: What are you saying? MMB: That we shouldn't be together. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is brushing the leaves off of her yellow beetle, when she notices a red metal box in the gutter. Realizing it's the same box that Henry's book was hidden in, she opens it. The book is inside, fully intact. August watches Emma from around the corner.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is watering the plants in her office when Kathryn enters.) Kathryn: It's beautiful. I had no idea you were so good with plants. Regina: Well, better than with people, it would seem. What are you doing here? I thought after what happened yesterday, I'd be the last person you'd want to see. Kathryn: So did I. And then I thought about it, and I realized I owed you an apology. Regina: Kathryn, you don't- Kathryn: I know you'd never do anything to hurt me. I was just so angry, and confused, and I snapped. I'm sorry. I've just been fighting so hard to hold on to David, I've never stopped to ask myself why. Regina: He's your husband. You love each other. You always have. Kathryn: No, we haven't. (Kathryn takes out a picture of Mary Margaret and David.) Kathryn: See the way he looks at her? He's never looked at me like that, not even before his accident. Regina: Kathryn, relationships take work. You can't give up so easily. Kathryn: Have you ever been in love? Regina: Yes. Once. Kathryn: Then, you're lucky. Because what I'm coming to understand is... Is that I haven't. What they have is real. It's true. My marriage to David, it... It just was like an illusion. I don't know how it happened, but it was never real. I know that now. The way David looks at Mary Margaret - that's what I want for me. And I'm going to go out there, and I'm going to find it. Regina: What are you talking about? Kathryn: I'm sticking to my plan. I'm moving to Boston. Alone. If I stay here, I'll never be happy. Regina: And what about David? Kathryn: I wrote him a letter - him and Mary Margaret. I told them they should be together. Regina: Uh, I'm sorry. You did what? Kathryn: I can't see him. Not now. It's just too painful. (Kathryn hugs Regina, causing Regina to awkwardly hug her back.) Kathryn: I'm going to miss you, Regina. You've been a good friend to me. Regina: You're really going? Kathryn: You know, it's funny. I've always had this irrational fear of leaving Storybrooke, like something's just holding me back. Is that crazy? Regina: No. Change is always frightening. But you know what, Kathryn? This just may be what you need. Maybe you'll find what you're looking for. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming returns to Frederick's shrine, where Abigail is waiting.) Prince Charming: Water from Lake Nostos, as requested. (He hands her the canteen of water.) Abigail: Remarkable. But how did you manage to slay the beast? Prince Charming: Well, the fate of your true love was at stake, and it was a battle I couldn't afford to lose. (Abigail pours the water over Frederick's statue. The golden statue transforms into a human, Frederick. The two of them hug, then kiss.) Frederick: Abigail, what happened to me? Abigail: You were trapped, but now you're free. This is James. He's the one who freed you. (Frederick shakes Prince Charming's hand.) Frederick: I am forever indebted to you. Prince Charming: Well, pay me back by walking down the aisle with someone you truly belong with. And, perhaps, giving me a horse and supplies for a journey as well? Frederick: Done. Abigail: Thank you. So much. Where will you go? Prince Charming: To find Snow White. Abigail: You are going after her. Prince Charming: True love isn't easy, but it must be fought for. Because once you find it, it can never be replaced. Abigail: How will you know where to find her? Prince Charming: Well, a bird helped me track her down once. Hopefully, it can again. Abigail: Well, then, good luck. Oh, and, James - please, make haste. When King George discovers that the union of the kingdoms has been ruined, he will come after you. Some people will stop at nothing to destroy the happiness of others. -[Real World]- (Regina opens the front door to the Nolan's house using her skull keys. Inside, she sees Kathryn's letter to David on the counter. She takes it and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is playing his video game on a bench outside the school. Emma walks up to him with a bag and sits down next to him.) Emma: Wow, I love that game. Space Paranoids, right? Henry: Yeah, my mom got it for me. Emma: I used to play that all the time when I was a kid. Relax - it's all in the wrists. Henry: My mom's picking me up in, like, five minutes. Emma: Alright. I'll be quick, then. I just have something I'd like to give you. (She takes the book out of her bag and gives it to him.) Henry: You found it! Where'd you get it? Emma: I found it in a gutter. It must have fallen off the dump truck on the way to the junkyard and got tossed around in the rain. And, somehow, made its way back to me. Henry: Wow. That's crazy. Emma: What other explanation could there be? Henry: I don't know. Emma: Well, whatever happened, it came back to me. Henry: Maybe, it means our luck is changing. Operation Cobra is back on. It's a sign. Things are going to be better. Emma: I hope you're right, kid. I got to go. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming is riding through the woods on horseback until he reaches a clearing with a cabin.) Prince Charming: Snow! Snow White! Snow! Are you there? (Red Riding Hood emerges from the field next to the clearing.) Red: She's gone. She never came back after she went to find you. Prince Charming: Then I'll find her. I will always find her. And I will convince her that we belong together. I will always fight for her, no matter what comes between us. Red: It won't be much of a fight. Prince Charming: What are you talking about? Red: Snow wants to be with you more than anything. Prince Charming: Don't mock me. Snow told me that we can't be together because she doesn't love me. Red: She left here to break up your wedding, because she's in love with you. Unless, something changed her mind along the way... Prince Charming: Not something - someone. (The sound of horses is heard in the distance. King George and his men are seen charging towards them.) Red: James? Who are they? Prince Charming: That's someone - King George. King George: Bring me his head! Prince Charming: Come on! (Prince Charming gets back on his horse and extends his hand to Red. She grabs his hand and he pulls her up. The two of them take off as King George shoots arrows in their direction.) -[Real World]- (Mary Margaret is lying on her bed when Emma enters.) Emma: You feel like talking about it yet? MMB: Nope. Emma: You want to be alone? MMB: Nope. (Emma lies down next to Mary Margaret on the bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina takes Kathryn's letter out of a drawer in her office desk. A can of red spray paint is also seen in the drawer. She grabs a lighter from the table and heads to the fireplace. Sitting in her car, Kathryn takes a deep breath before driving off. Using the lighter, Regina sets the letter on fire. Kathryn drives along the road that leads out of Storybrooke. She sees the Storybrooke sign in the distance. Regina briefly watches the letter burn in her hand, then throws it into the fireplace. The gym teacher from the school, who is also driving along the road that leads out of Storybrooke, comes across Kathryn's crashed car at the base of the Storybrooke sign. When he gets out to investigate, he finds the car empty and the airbag deployed. Regina stares at the fireplace as Kathryn's letter burns.) -[End]-

Plan: A: David; Q: Who agrees to tell Kathryn about his relationship with Mary Margaret? A: Kathryn; Q: Who does David finally agree to tell about his relationship with Mary Margaret? A: his loveless marriage; Q: What does David want to end? A: the fairytale land; Q: Where does Prince Charming search for Snow White? A: Prince Charming; Q: Who is the runaway groom? A: a dangerous mission; Q: What kind of mission does Prince Charming agree to help Abigail with? Summary: With their love for each other growing stronger, David finally agrees to tell Kathryn about his relationship with Mary Margaret and put an end to his loveless marriage. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, while runaway groom Prince Charming searches for Snow White, he agrees to aid Abigail on a dangerous mission to recover something precious that was lost to her.

"The Man in the Bear" [SCENE_BREAK] (In a forest at night, Dr. Denise Randall is performing an examination on a dead bear, while Ranger Sherman Rivers looks on.) SHERMAN: We already know what killed the bear. DENISE: Who's the vet here Sherman. SHERMAN: You are Denise. Who's the park ranger? DENISE: That'd be you Sherman. SHERMAN: That's why I know what killed him; scared camper drilled him with the Winchester Magnum .338 DENISE: I get it, you're afraid I'm not showing respect to the bear spirit. SHERMAN: Because I have better things to do than wait around for you to tell me what I already know. DENISE: The law says I have to send in as much information as I can: age, weight, what he last ate ... eww .. yummy, hot dogs, fried beans ... (digs around inside bear, and pulls out a plastic bag) ... beef jerky. SHERMAN: Beef jerky? DENISE: He was in hyperphasia, eating everything he could find before going into hibernation ... oooo ... (stops digging) SHERMAN: What? DENISE: (digging some more) Sherman, this is ... (pulls out the bones of a human hand) Oh God. (exchanges looks with Sherman) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to exterior of Jeffersonian. Inside the Lab Brennan is walking into her office looking at the photo of the hand, Booth follows her into the office.) BRENNAN: Looks human to me ... (walking into her office, Booth bumps into her while going through the door.) BOOTH: Sorry ... BRENNAN: What's the deal? BOOTH: It was found in Eastern Washington State. BRENNAN: Where? (drops files on desk) BOOTH: Inside a bear. BRENNAN: No, I mean .. Inside a bear? BOOTH: An autopsy revealed more bone fragments in the bear's stomache and intestine. BRENNAN: An autopsy on an animal is called a necropsy (shuffles to put files on the coffee table) BOOTH: Yeah, that's pretty crucial we get that straight right off the bat, meanwhile about the dead human being BRENNAN: What do you need me for, the bear ate somebody. BOOTH: 26 bone fragments in total, the case bumped to the Seattle field office, they bumped it to me. Check it out (holds out a USB flash drive) BRENNAN: (sitting down at her desk, taking the flash drive) Why they bump it to you? BOOTH: Bones, I mean do you really care for the inner workings of the FBI office BRENNAN: They bumped it to you because you work with me (plugging the flash drive into her computer) BOOTH: (smiling) No, they hoped you could help ID the body. (Cut to Brennan's computer, files from the flash drive are being opened-picture of the hand) BRENNAN: From a hand? BOOTH: Yeah, they have high expectations. BRENNAN: (looking at screen) Definitely human, poseable thumb, probably male from the size .. uh oh ... (picture of bone on screen, Booth walks around the desk to look at screen) BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Kerf marks. Marks made from a cutting tool. BOOTH: Maybe when they cut open the bear? BRENNAN: No, (looking intently at the screen) it's not a straight edge. Residual cross section stria (points to the screen). BOOTH: Just because you say it in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me. BRENNAN: These marks where made from a saw, the hand was already separated from the rest of the person when the bear ate it. BOOTH: Somebody was dismembered and fed to a bear. BRENNAN: That's one possibility BOOTH: (makes face) Whoo...k, um ... Thanks Bones. BRENNAN: Glad I could help (pulls flash drive out of the computer and hands it back to Booth) BOOTH: (takes the drive and walks to the other side of the desk) But, you're not done. BRENNAN: (looking at other files, pen in mouth) I'll check out the photographs and x-rays and see if I can confirm s*x and age (writing something on a chart) BOOTH: Pack your bags, we're going to Washington state. BRENNAN: (looking up from chart, in disbelief) I'm not going to Washington state (not happy) BOOTH: (sitting down in chair) Again, just because you say it in that definitive tone doesn't mean it means anything to me. (throws and catches the USB drive and gives Brennan a smile) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan and Goodman walking on the catwalk overlooking the lab, Brennan is not happy). BRENNAN: Why is Booth the one who decides we go to Washington state, he gets the gun and the authority, he's the one that people like. GOODMAN: (shaking head) Firstly, he didn't decide that you go to Washington state, he made a request. I am the one who decides where you do or do not go. BRENNAN: And secondly? GOODMAN: Secondly, it's time to live a little Temperance, connect with other people. BRENNAN: (in disbelief) Are you suggesting I take this opportunity to have s*x with Booth on a field trip? GOODMAN: Good god, where is Dr. Floyd when you need him? BRENNAN: I don't understand what you're saying. GOODMAN: Which is precisely why I am sending you to the Great North woods (stops walking). Come on now, you've partially digested dismembered skeletal remains to examine, that should put a smile on your face. Mosquitoes out there are the size of dogs, pack insect repellant (walks away, leaving Brennan in disbelief). [SCENE_BREAK] **CREDITS** [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Pacific Northwest, car driving on a hillside road. Booth and Brennan are sitting inside the car, talking) BOOTH: (driving) You know being cooped up in crappy hotel in the middle of nowhere, with a fifty dollar per diem, is not my idea of a good time either, you know. BRENNAN: (looking over) You only get fifty dollars a day? How can you live on that? BOOTH: OK, What do you mean, what do you get? BRENNAN: I don't have a limit, just give them the receipts. BOOTH: (playing around with his sunglasses) Now, you have to have a limit, everyone has a limit, we work for the government. BRENNAN. Yeaah ... I don't have a limit. BOOTH: But, it's not fair. It's not fair to the tax payers...you're like one of those thousand dollars toilet seats. BRENNAN: I imagine I am treated differently than you b/c I have an indispensable skill. BOOTH: (muttering) Indispensable ... I do not need you. BRENNAN: Oh, so you can determine the origin of the kerf marks as well as the s*x and age of the victim? BOOTH: Heh .. (chuckling) .. You know you're a smart ass, you know that? (looking at her) BRENNAN: Objectively I'd say I'm very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass. BOOTH: You know what? I'll tell you what ... you can take me out to dinner. Put me on your tab. BRENNAN: That doesn't seem ethical. BOOTH: You still want that gun now, don't you? Hm? BRENNAN: We'll start with breakfast. (Booth chuckles as it cuts to an overhead shot of the car driving) BOOTH: You know it's beautiful here, it's feels good to be out of the city. BRENNAN: YEAH, where murders feed their victims to bears. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to street in the town, parks car on the side of the road and they both get out.) BOOTH: Small town America (shuts car door), gotta love it. BRENNAN: (walking on the sidewalk as Booth looks around) This is not a small town. Chiantla, Guatemala, 150 people, no running water. That's a small town. BOOTH: I said small town America, not small town Guatemala. And I've been there too, by the way. BRENNAN: Where you going? (following Booth) BOOTH: See the Sheriff. BRENNAN: How are you going to do that? BOOTH: (stops to look back to Brennan) It's an old FBI trick, I'm going to ask somebody who lives here. (turns to walk) BRENNAN: What took you to Guatemala? Eco-tourism? BOOTH: I went down to shoot somebody through the heart from 1500 feet. (turns and walks away). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut inside what appears to be a morgue. Dr. Randall and Sherman are talking to Brennan, who is taking photos of the remains that are on the table. Dr. Rigby is there too.) DENISE: I was pretty sure it was human, but I'm a vet, so I called Andrew-Dr. Rigby-and he thought it was human too. RIGBY: Officially, I'm the coroner here in Aurora, but I'm just a country doctor. I have no training in forensics. BRENNAN: This is approximately 60% of the arm of a male: late teens/early twenties, well muscled. DENISE: That's amazing. BRENNAN: You see these marks here? (pointing at the arm) Below the radial tuberosity. (Dr. Rigby and Randall looks closer) You haven't by any chance performed any amputations lately, have you? RIGBY: A few frost bit toes last winter and a thumb from a nasty Murphy bit accident, why? BRENNAN: These are saw marks. SHERMAN: That's not good, people getting sawed up and eaten up by bears. BRENNAN: (walking over to her computer with her camera) I'm going to send this back to my lab, my people there can give a better estimate on how long ago the bear ingested the arm. DENISE: You got pretty good equipment there, I guess? I'm still on dial-up. BRENNAN: What's the fastest way to ship a human arm? DENISE, SHERMAN and RIGBY: Charlie. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan walking into Rapid Express, holding a large box.) CHARLIE: Need a hand? BRENNAN: No thanks, I'm trying to get rid of this one (puts box down on counter). These are human remains. CHARLIE: Oh. BRENNAN: I have to ship them to the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington D.C. (writing info on waybill) CHARLIE: Cool, they have Dizzy Gillespie's trumpet there. BRENNAN: Yeah, I know. CHARLIE: Muhammad Ali's boxing gloves. Abraham Lincoln's assassination top hat. BRENNAN: (looking up, smiling) I know, I work there (looks back down to write). CHARLIE: (smiling) You ever sit in Archie Bunker's chair? BRENNAN: I work in a different part of the museum. I'm a forensic anthropologist. CHARLIE: My name is Charlie. BRENNAN: (still writing) Yeah, I know. CHARLIE: (shocked) Wow, what you can tell from like my skull structure? BRENNAN: (smiling) It says it on your shirt Charlie (points to shirt). Where can I find the sheriff? (passes the waybill to Charlie) CHARLIE: He's out past the garage on the right. (Looks down at the name on the waybill) Hey, Temperance Brennan...I'm reading your book. BRENNAN: (turning to leave, but stops) Uh. CHARLIE: It gave me a few ideas if I ever want to kill someone and get rid of the body. BRENNAN: Don't forget Charlie, the heroine always catches the bad guy. (turns to leave) CHARLIE: (watching Brennan leave) Sounds good to me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lab, Zack is in front of a computer looking at the images of the bones. Angela is looking on.) ZACK: These are Falstaff (?) kerfs, which suggests a hand saw. The cut marks on the breakaway spurt...here (points to screen)...should give me the number of teeth per inch, but to me it just looks broken. ANGELA: I could work it up to a three dimensional image, see if that helps/ ZACK: Dr. Brennan could do it from this (frustrated) ANGELA: Not when she was lowly grad student, Zack. Upload all the ditigal info Brennan sent you to my mainframe (turns to leave) and lighten up Z-man. [SCENE_BREAK] (Booth and Sheriff walking down the street, talking) BOOTH: Somebody cut that guy's arm off Sheriff. SHERIFF: Couldn't be a local, somebody missing an arm, that's something you'd notice. BOOTH: How many people live in Aurora? SHERIFF: 326 in town, another couple hundred in the unincorporated surroundings. Maybe 1200 on the Indian reservations. BOOTH: (writing down on a pad) Tourists? SHERIFF: Hikers, campers. It's beautiful country so they don't realize how dangerous it is. On average we lose a couple of people each year, cycle of life hey? BOOTH: Lose anyone recently? SHERIFF: Woman, 29 (points to missing poster taped on window of a store) Ann Noyes from Olympia. Disappeared a couple of weeks ago, her parents said she was an "experienced" hiker. (Booth looks at poster.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to inside the police station, Booth and the Sheriff are walking in) BOOTH: You must have a few resident crazies? SHERIFF: Juvenile bush drinking, couple of domestics, a bar fight or two? Joy riding. The only felons we have are poachers. (Hands Booth a binder) They shoot the black bears and sell the gallbladders on the black market. Park rangers handles that stuff. (Lady leads Brennan to the door, knocks). SHERIFF: Can I help you? (waves) BRENNAN: Yeah, thanks, I'm with him (points to Booth). SHERIFF: (to Booth) Suddenly I wish I was FBI. BOOTH: (chuckles) Sheriff Chris Scutter, Dr. Temperance Brenan. SHERIFF: (shakes Brennan's hand) My first forensic anthropologist (gestures to chair), please. BRENNAN: We need to find the rest of the body (puts bag down, sits on chair.) SHERIFF: (walking around the desk) Sherman, Ranger Rivers, traced the bear's route back a week. Said he didn't find anything (sits down on his chair) BOOTH: What is he, some kind of Indian scout? SHERIFF: Sherman is a Flathead Indian, but since the bear was wearing a GPS collar, he didn't have to fully utilize his native powers. BRENNAN: Did he check the scat... BOOTH: (interrupts) What, you think there are more people parts in the bear crap? SHERIFF: We could maybe go out with Sherman tomorrow, take a look? BOOTH: Oh, yeah, now that you've met Bones, you're all about the inter-agency cooperation. SHERIFF: Bones? Now I don't think that's anyway to talk to a lady. BRENNAN: Thank you (getting up). SHERIFF: Do you have dinner plans? (getting up). BOOTH: We're working. (ushering Brennan away, throws the binder back to the Sheriff) Thanks for that. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to break area at the Lab, Zack and Hodgins are talking about the case while drinking coffee etc.) HODGINS: (sitting on sofa, looking at pictures from case) All I'm saying is why cut somebody into pieces. ZACK: (walking over with mug, looking at a photo too) Pack 'em up tighter maybe. Say, in a suitcase (sits down next to Hodgins). HODGINS: How did a bear open up a suitcase (takes photo from Zack). ZACK: I saw a documentary once where a bear got into a car and drove away (looks at another photo). HODGINS: That was not a documentary, it was a cartoon (exchanges look with Zack). (Cut to a delivery woman, TONI, walking over to them carrying the box from Brennan) TONI: Hello, I'm looking for a Zack Addy...got a package of human remains. HODGINS: (getting up, walking towards her as Zack looks on) I can sign for that. Where's Jimmy?" (takes the signing device). TONI: Tahiti...Fiji...who knows? He won the lottery. HODGINS: Is it too much of a line to say 'no, we won the lottery?' (Toni smiles awkwardly) It is, I take it back (shaking head) ... just compared to you, Jimmy...you know ... TONI: The third nostril (laughs, Zack looks on) HODGINS: That whistling sound when he sneezes. (they both laugh) Unfortunately it is too soon to ask you to have coffee (hands back signing device). TONI: It is? HODGINS: Yes...yes...coffee is the third delivery capper. TONI: So what's the first delivery capper? HODGINS: (smiles) Initial contact, me cute, light flirting. TONI: Then I'll catch you in another couple of deliveries (handing box over to Hodgins). HODGINS: OK...bye. (watches her go) ZACK: (comes up behind Hodgins) You bogarted my package. HODDGINS: You panicked and froze my man, thus the package came into play. Also incorrect use of verb bogarted (hands package to Zack and leaves). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut back to Aurora, Booth and Brennan are following Sherman in the forest) SHERMAN: (walking on a path) We've been looking for that female hiker since she went missing. But sometimes you never find a trace, they fall in the ravine, the river. So how do you like the Evergreen Lodge? BRENNAN: Very nice, I have a beautiful view of the mountains from my terrace. BOOTH: You have a terrace? BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: I'm sharing a bathroom. SHERMAN: This was where the bear was shot (pointing). BOOTH: Where did he get before he died? (walking ahead) SHERMAN: About a hundred yards. BRENNAN: How do you know that's the right way? BOOTH: Not hard to track a wounded bear (walks ahead of Brennan and Sherman). SHERMAN: (Talking to Brennan) Ever hear of the Bone Gathers? Collecting bones so that the dead can make the journey to the next world? BRENNAN: Not even sure I believe in the next world. SHERMAN: Doesn't matter what you believe in. You're a Bone Gather, that's a good thing helping the spirits move on. BRENNAN: (smiles) Thank you. That's probably the best job description I'll ever get. (Cut to Booth, standing next to a pile of scat, flies flying around.) BOOTH: Over here. BRENNAN: You find something? (approaching Booth) BOOTH: Some bear scat in the woods. I think he was here and he headed off over there (points ahead). BRENNAN: OK (puts bag down and takes out a pair of gloves ) See if you can find some older samples. (Booth and Sherman step back as Brennan puts on the gloves, opens up her bag, takes out a container and grabs some scat and places it inside the container.) SHERMAN: She ain't the squeamish type, is she? BOOTH: I'm going to go out on the limb here Sherman and guess you don't get a lot of eligible good looking women coming through town. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to Rapid Express, where Charlie is reading Brennan's book as she enters carrying another box to ship.) CHARLIE: Hey, I just finished chapter seven (puts the book down). BRENNAN: This has to go to my... CHARLIE: (interrupts) Do you do all the stuff the girl in your book does? BRENNAN: I'm slightly uncomfortable discussing that with you (starts writing on the waybill). CHARLIE: No, I'm not talking about the s*x...I'm talking about the running, and the shooting. I mean, if you do do all that other stuff that's great too for you and...uh...whoever you're doing it with. BRENNAN: I'd like to send this to my lab. CHARLIE: (looking at box) More bones? BRENNAN: No, its bear scat (finishing writing). CHARLIE: I can deal with that. (Brennan's phone rings) BRENNAN: (picks up phone) Brennan. (Cuts to Zack in the lab, talking into the speakerphone.) ZACK: The person who belonged to the arm died approximately a week ago and the bear ate it one to three days after that. BRENNAN: (over the speakerphone) Anything from the saw? ZACK: Angela is entering the date into the holographic display. I've found something else I can't categorize (moving something under a device that magnifies it on a monitor). Can I beam it to you? (Cuts back to the Rapid Express store with Brennan on the phone, and Charlie at the counter) BRENNAN: (hits the speakerphone button) OK, hold on (puts the phone down on the counter and takes off her knapsack). (Cuts back to Zack in the lab, looking at his monitor) BRENNAN: (voice over speakerphone, then cuts back to her) Do you mind if I set this up here (asking Charlie as she takes out her computer and places it on the counter). CHARLIE: Yeah, no problem. BRENNAN: (sets up her computer and router) Give me a second, I'm connecting to the satellite. ZACK: (over speakerphone) Yeah, alright. BRENNAN: (types on computer, window pops up) OK, I'm linked. ZACK: (over speakerphone) I've been focusing on, Dr. Brennan... (keeps talking) CHARLIE: (takes package and puts it to the side, walking around to look at the computer screen) Who's that? BRENNAN: My assistant, Zack. CHARLIE: (hovering over the phone) Hey Zack. ZACK: Who's that? BRENNAN: The overnight guy Charlie...(focusing on the screen) Ok, I'm set up, you can send me the picture (picture loads). CHARLIE: Hey Zack, does your boss have a boyfriend? ZACK: Not currently. Are you extremely good looking? CHARLIE: Yes, I am Zack. BRENNAN: (looking intently at computer) Zack, these are bite marks. ZACK: (cuts to him in the lab) You mean from the bear? BRENNAN: No, black bears have premolars that are small and pegged like. These marks show double cusp pattern. ZACK: (in lab) Pigs are double cusped. CHARLIE: Hey Zack, are you extremely smart? ZACK: (in lab) Yes, I am Charlie. BRENNAN: Pigs have six incisors, these marks were made by four incisors, like a chimp but these teeth form a continuous arch. (Cuts back to Zack in the lab, looking like he's deep in thought) CHARLIE: (over speakerphone) So, what's got a continuous arch? ZACK: Humans. (Cuts back to Rapid Express) BRENNAN: We just don't have a killer on our hands, we have a cannibal. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to a street in Aurora where the Sheriff's SUV is parked. Brennan is sitting in the passenger seat while the Sheriff is eating in the drivers' seat. Booth is standing next to the car, talking through the window.) BRENNAN: Zack will have the Odontologist at the Jeffersonian take a look, but I am right. SHERIFF: The cannibal, you mean a Hannibal Lecter type ... deal (takes a sip from his fountain drink). BRENNAN: (confused) I don't know what that means. BOOTH: You're certain that a human being gnawed on that bone. BRENNAN: It gnawed, removed the flesh. SHERIFF: (looking sick while eating) That's...that's really not good. BOOTH: Are you sure Bones, have you never seen anything like this before? BRENNAN: Of course I've seen this before. I did grad work among the Waori of the Amazon and they have a long history of cannibalism. I've also seen evidence of cannibalism in some twelfth century Native American sites. It's not a big deal. SHERIFF: Have you ever... (points to mouth) BRENNAN: I've never been offered human flesh before. BOOTH: Maybe if you've had? BRENNAN: It's an interesting question (nods heads). I would have to measure my own social inculcation (Sheriff getting sicker) against objective scientific inquiry. BOOTH: K, that's sick. BRENNAN: Maybe we're looking for somebody that needs to be rescued. Maybe the young man died and the missing girl, hungry and lost came upon him needing food she... SHERIFF: (cuts in) Sawed him up and barbequed him... BRENNAN: Well, there was no evidence that the hand was cooked. BOOTH: She does not look like the type of girl who would chew on raw flesh. BRENNAN: You'd be surprised...when survival instincts kick in. BOOTH: If it isn't her, we're dealing with some psycho cannibal killer. SHERIFF: This is sick...(stops eating) BRENNAN: (makes realization) Somebody eating raw human flesh is going to be sick (exchanges looks with Booth). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to Lab where Zack, Hodgins and Angela go over the evidence) ANGELA: (looking at photos) Teeth marks? ZACK: (working with something) Yes, and these drag marks is where the flesh was ripped right off the bone. ANGELA: (grossed out) Ugh, it's like a zombie movie. HODGINS: (pacing) Where is my bear poop? ZACK: Is it the excrement you're anxious to look at, or the courier? HODGINS: (dead pans) What do you think? ANGELA: Somebody gnawed on this arm like some kind of man-corn? HODGINS: (coming over to look at photos) According to that Peruvian soccer team that crashed in the Andes, human flesh tastes like frogs' legs. ANGELA: We needed another reason not to eat frog ZACK: I'm going to make a cast of these markings, I won't get a full dental impression but we'll at least get something. (Man enters the room) MAN: Zack, you're needed upstairs. (Zack gets up and follows the man out) HODGINS: (walks over to Angela) Angela, if we were a Peruvian soccer team and crashed into the Andes. Who would you rather eat, me or Zack? ANGELA: (sighs and gives him a look) HODGINS: What? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to upstairs, where Toni is waiting with a package) ZACK: (clears throat) TONI: I have a package for Zack Addy. ZACK: That's me. TONI: I thought...there was the other guy. ZACK: That's Hodgins, he zoomed you because you're so beautiful. TONI: (smiles) Thanks, that's sweet (hands over the signing device). ZACK: I'm not being sweet, it's just a fact (signing) TONI: (handing package over) How old are you? ZACK: Twenty four. TONI: Twenty four...(reaches over and touches Zack's chin) I could just eat you up. (turns and leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut back to Aurora, Brennan and Rigby are walking outside what I assume is the hospital) BRENNAN: Have you diagnosed anyone recently with a prion disease? RIGBY: Prion disease? No. Some Alzheimer's, yes. Some brain damage due to alcoholism and huffing. BRENNAN: Delusions? Eradic behaviour, violent outbursts? RIGBY: The incubation period of prion disease could be years, you're thinking the cannibal might be showing symptoms of mental deterioration? BRENNAN: Dr. Rigby, I never said anything about a cannibal. RIGBY: Well, it's all over town. BRENNAN: Charlie, the overnight guy. What do you think our chances are of keeping this quiet? RIGBY: I'd say absolutely zero (smiles and laughs). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lab, where Hodgins and Zack are examining the bear scat) HODGINS: You knew I was waiting to see her again. ZACK: You said you were waiting for your bear poop. I said 'are you excited about the excrement or the courier', and you said 'what do you think'. HODGINS: (upset) And you thought I was actually excited about excrement? ZACK: (smiling) You have to be clear. (Hodgins shifts through the scar) What's that? HODGINS: (picks up something) It's a piece of undigested bone. ZACK: (takes closer look) Metacarpal, I think that goes with my hand. HODGINS: (sifting some more) Part of a tin can, less tin fibers, a kind of sporocarp. (Picks up red piece) Here's something...(looks at it under magnify glass) Hair follicles, sebaceous glands...it's a layer of dermas. ZACK: Pigmentation marks on the microphage. HODGINS: Flap of skin with a tattoo. We need a tattoo expert (looks at Zack) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to Angela, who is working at her computer, putting the tattoo back together) ANGELA: It's fairly simple, two colours...red and black...some kind of native design. HODGINS: (to Zack) She likes me more than she likes you. ZACK: She said I was sweet. HODGINS: I made her laugh at Jimmy's third nostril. ANGELA: (chuckles) That's pretty good...making a woman laugh at a third nostril. HODGINS: We have a tentative coffee date. ZACK: She said she wanted to eat me up. ANGELA: Zack is definitely ahead on points (working on redesigning the tattoo). Well, there it is. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Aurora, where Angela is talking via videoconference on Brennan's laptop as Brennan, Booth and the Sheriff look on.) ANGELA: The skin in the scat has a sun on it. SHERIFF: What was that, a haiku? BOOTH: It's a tattoo. ANGELA: Hi Booth. Hi, I'm Angela Montenegro. SHERIFF: (in the video) How ya doing Angela? BRENNAN: Angela, focus please. ANGELA: (in her office) It's a Haida sun motif. BOOTH: Good work, very impressive. (to Sheriff) 18-25 year old man with a Haida sun tattoo on his arm? (Sheriff goes off to check) ANGELA: (via videoconference) Hey Booth, I've got a thing for tattoos, you got any? BRENNAN: (stern voice) Angela. ANGELA: (Booth goes over to help sheriff, Brennan and Angela left in the videoconference) I'm sorry sweetie, but what's up with that town? You getting any from that hot overnight guy? BRENNAN: Ange, we're trying to work. ANGELA: Is that town totally wasted on you sweetie because I take this as a sign from God to loosen up. You know what they say: What happens in Aurora, stays in Aurora. (Brennan closes the videoconference) Hey ... (Cuts back to the police office) SHERIFF: (in front of his computer) I'm running a missing persons check with the new info on the tattoo. (waiting for the picture to load) She seems very friendly, your associate. BRENNAN: (no nonsense tone) She's three thousand miles away. BOOTH: Or send away for a Russian bride. SHERIFF: (chuckles, reads from the computer) Adam Langer, twenty two. Missing ten days from college in Richmond. (Looks at face in the picture) Wait, I know this kid, he used to come up to visit Sherman-wanted to be a Ranger. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to outside a house, dark and at night. Brennan, Booth and the Sheriff approaching Sherman's house) SHERIFF: Look, I've known Sherman for years, I can't believe he has anything to do with this. (knocks on door) SHERMAN: (opens door) Hey Sheriff. SHERIFF: Hey Sherman, mind if we come in? SHERMAN: You guys here about the cannibal? SHERIFF: We can't talk about official business. How about some tea? SHERMAN: Sure. (goes into other room as Sheriff sits down and reclines) Oh yeah. BOOTH: What did you do that for? SHERIFF: Give you a chance to look around, get a sense of the man. BRENNAN: (looking around, comes to something sitting on a shelf) The raven spirit, in some Native American stories it has a cannibalistic... (Loud thud/noise from the other room) BOOTH: (looks into other room) He went out back...(to Sheriff) Give me your flashlight. SHERIFF: No way you can catch Sherman Rivers in the woods. BOOTH: (leaves the house) Just search the place. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to outside in the woods, Booth chasing after Sherman in the dark) BOOTH: Sherman, just stop. (Cuts back inside Sherman's house, Brennan and the Sheriff are searching the place) SHERIFF: (looking at the wall) I don't know if a wall of knives is evidence, but it sure is creepy. (Cuts back outside) BOOTH: Hey, hey ... Stop! (points flashlight and gun at Sherman, who continues to run) (Cuts back inside) BRENNAN: Is there a saw? (grabbing a plastic bag) SHERIFF: (opening cupboards) Yup. BRENNAN: We'll want to take it, see if it matches the cuts on Adam Langer's bone. (picks up apple core from garbage) And see if this matches the teeth marks. (Cuts back outside) BOOTH: (Following Sherman, but he appears to be gone and Booth's flashlight dies) You've got to be kidding me. (Back inside) SHERIFF: (Brennan is trying to break open the lock on the freezer) As Justice of the Peace, I authorized you to open up that locked freezer. BRENNAN: (breaks the lock) Thank you. (Opens up the freezer to see frozen meat) SHERIFF: (looking at freezer) What kind of meat do you think that is? (exchanges looks with Brennan). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to inside their car, Booth is driving while Brennan is talking over her cell phone with Angela, who is at the lab) BRENNAN: I sent a bunch of frozen meat by overnight air and I need to know what it is as soon as possible. ANGELA: Oh, you think it's human? BRENNAN: Maybe, it's a funny colour. ANGELA: So, did you catch the guy? BRENNAN: No, Booth lost him in the woods. BOOTH: Whoa, wait a second, I didn't lose him. BRENNAN: You didn't catch him. ANGELA: So you two have the night free? BRENNAN: Yes, we can't do anything until I get a determination on that meat and Booth has to wait until its light to look for the guy he lost. BOOTH: (upset) I didn't lose him, ok. I...he...tell her that my flashlight died. BRENNAN: (puzzled look on face) She doesn't care. ANGELA: What? BOOTH: Give me the phone (sticks hand out). BRENNAN: (pushing his hand away) It's not safe to drive and talk on the cell phone. ANGELA: Are you two fighting? BOOTH: Professional pride, tell her. Please tell her that. BRENNAN: (to Angela) Booth wants you to know that he lost the guy because his flashlight died. BOOTH: And because he's an Indian and he's a park ranger and he's very very familiar with the territory, tell her that. BRENNAN: Did you hear that? ANGELA: Yeah, something about Indian territory? BRENNAN: (to Booth) Yeah, she says she understands. (To Angela) I need to know about that meat as soon as possible. ANGELA: (over the phone) Yeah, I'll tell Zack. BOOTH: Give me the phone...hold on... (takes phone from Brennan) BRENNAN: (angry) What? BOOTH: Plus you know what? It wasn't even my flashlight ok? It was the Sheriff's flashlight and his batteries they ran out, ok? BRENNAN: (grabbing phone back from Booth) Good night Angela. ANGELA: Hey, you have to take that man for a drink...and have a little fun yourself. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Fun and a drink, where do we find that? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to inside a bar, where Brennan is dancing with Charlie) CHARLIE: So, I was surprised to see you here. You know in your book you don't sleep until you get your man. BRENNAN: Well that's not me, it's just a character. In real life, you have to wait for lab results. CHARLIE: I see, so lucky for me. BRENNAN: (laughs) I don't know, I'm afraid I'm not a very good dancer as apparently I lead. CHARLIE: So, I'll follow. (Cut to Booth walking up to the bar and sits where the Sheriff is) SHERIFF: Hey Booth, want a beer? BARTENDER: What do you need sheriff? SHERIFF: Another beer. (Cut back to Brennan and Charlie dancing) CHARLIE: You know, I climbed with Adam sometimes, so I was kind of freaked out when I found out it was his arm. BRENNAN: You knew Adam Langer? CHARLIE: I taught him how to climb. Man he was strong. (Cut to Denise and Rigby talking at the bar) No matter how much I lift, I could never match him. BRENNAN: (feeling Charlie's upper arm) You have excellent definition in your biceps and triceps. CHARLIE: Well, thanks. And you're waist muscles feel good too. BRENNAN: Transverse abdominals...thank you. CHARLIE: So that meat we sent back to your lab, that wasn't, ah, more of Adam, was it? BRENNAN: I can't discuss... RIGBY: (Cutting in between Brennan and Charlie, and starts dancing with Brennan) Excusez-moi. BRENNAN: Dr. Rigby. RIGBY: Thought I would rescue you, can't imagine you and Charlie have a lot to talk about. BRENNAN: We were managing (Charlie walks over to the bar, upset that Rigby cut in) RIGBY: (Continues dancing with Brennan) Look, um, I guess it looks pretty bad for Sherman, huh? BRENNAN: I can't discuss the investigation with you Dr. Rigby. RIGBY: Look, Sherman is a Flathead. The spiritual beliefs of his tribe don't value cannibalism and they never have. BRENNAN: Anthropology teaches us that beliefs and customs evolve, that's why you can still find cannibalism practiced today. RIGBY: (chuckles) So what, you can enjoy the act of eating another human being? BRENNAN: I can understand it intellectually. RIGBY: Alright, I shouldn't be talking shop, not with such a beautiful woman in my arms. (Spins Brennan) SHERIFF: (Catches her, and cuts in) Hey, it's Sheriff time. (Rigby is upset) You really think you can match the bite marks on Sherman's apple to the bite marks on that kid's arm bone? BRENNAN: I don't really feel comfortable discussing a case on the dance floor. SHERIFF: Well, I'm the sheriff (point to badge), we're colleagues. BOOTH: (cuts in) Mind if I cut in? (To Brennan, dancing) Thought you might need a break. BRENNAN: What happened to your shirt? BOOTH: Well, we're in a bar, it's a look. BRENNAN: Everybody is pumping me. BOOTH: Sorry? (the guys are watching them from the bar) BRENNAN: For information on the case. BOOTH: Bones, they're only pretending to be interested in the case. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: They're hitting on you. BRENNAN: (laughing) Are you sure? BOOTH: Yes, I'm sure. You're the hottest thing this town has seen in a long time. Check out the competition. (dips Brennan, and looks at Denise, sitting alone at the bar) Now that, is somebody who wants to eat your heart. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lab, Hodgins and Angela) ANGELA: Oooh, very pretty. HODGINS: (looking at specimen under microscope) Lovely. It's a sporocarp called tuber gibbosum after a week in bear poop. ANGELA: Thank you, for ruining my moment. HODGINS: (smiles) It's a mushroom and Oregon white truffle. They're a mycorrhizal species that only grows in symbiosis with Douglas-fir trees. ANGELA: (sits down next to Hodgins) Are Douglas-fir trees very very rare in the woods? HODGINS: No. ANGELA: Then you really haven't found anything useful, have you? HODGINS: (sigh) No. ANGELA: Want to get something to eat? HODGINS: Nooo.... ANGELA: Ah, (realizing) you're expecting a delivery tonight. HODGINS: Zack is. ANGELA: And you're going to zoom him. HODGINS: Like the Indy 500 baby (smiles at Angela, who rolls her eyes). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Aurora, sunny day outside. Booth, Brennan and the Sheriff are walking around in the woods.) BOOTH: You didn't come down for breakfast Bones. BRENNAN: Wasn't hungry. Sorry you had to pay for your own meal. BOOTH: Called your room, there was no answer. BRENNAN: Why the sudden interest in my morning habits, Booth? BOOTH: Well, I just thought we were going to get something to eat. And, you know...so I waited and my eggs got cold. Cold eggs. (hops over a stream, and crouches down) This is where my flashlight failed. SHERIFF: You mean my flashlight, and how can you be sure? BOOTH: (holds something up) Cause this is where I was standing. SHERIFF: A shirt button? BOOTH: And, I heard him disappear in this direction (points, and continues walking). BRENNAN: Leaving buttons on the trail must be an old fish-chewer trick (follows Booth). SHERIFF: You mean a snake-eater; an old snake-eater trick (follows). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut back to the Lab where Hodgins is sitting, leaning his head against his hand looking tired. Zack approaches his table and drops a package loudly next to him.) ZACK: Were you here all night? HODGINS: (tired) Yes. Did I miss Toni? ZACK: Yes, she asked about you (walking around to face Hodgins). HODGINS: No, you torpedo me, didn't you? ZACK: No, I told her the truth-that you were sifting through excrement. HODGINS: (getting up) You want a war? Fine, because I'm the warrior. ANGELA: (approaching the both of them) Zack, I got the measurements for your saw from the Angelator. Now all you have to do is find a match...say thank you with gifts. (handing Zack a file and then looks at Hodgins) Did you work all night? HODGINS: (tired) Yes. I shaved the truffle. ANGELA: Is that anything like spanking the monkey? HODGINS: I found boring dust (looking at screen). ANGELA: Is there any other kind? HODGINS: Boring dust is produced by beetles, which means the tree the truffle grew on was infested. ZACK: (looking at his file) That's not going to impress Toni. HODGINS: That's not why I did it. I did it to serve justice and capture and murderous cannibal. ANGELA: That'll impress the hot courier. HODGINS: (smiling) Now, I'm back in the game. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to the woods, Brennan and the Sheriff are following Booth) SHERIFF: No way you catch Sherman in the woods. He's a park ranger and an Indian. BOOTH: (walks into a clearing and looks right) He's right there. SHERIFF: Oh. (Sherman is sitting on a rock a few yards away) He's doing some kind of Indian ritual. BOOTH: Waiting for us. (Brennan's cell phone rings) BRENNAN: Brennan. ZACK: (cuts to Zack and Hodgins in Brennan's office, talking over speakerphone) The meat samples you sent us were all Ursus Americanus. BRENNAN: (cuts back to woods, puzzled) Black bear? SHERMAN: (the three approaches him) I didn't kill no one. BOOTH: Why did you run? SHERMAN: You're FBI. Ever hear of Leonard Peltier? Pine Ridge? (standing up) BOOTH: Oh... SHERMAN: Wounded Knee? Indians and FBI's don't mix. BRENNAN: He ran because he's the poacher. SHERIFF: You're the poacher? SHERMAN: (mumbling) Oh sh1t BRENNAN: Yeah, the meat we found in his freezer was black bear. BOOTH: No wonder you never caught him. SHERMAN: I want a lawyer. HODGINS: (over speakerphone) You should be on the lookout for a patch of woods that is infested with (insert technical term I have no clue on) BRENNAN: Ok, Hodgins says that the bear dug up the arm in a stand of western pine beetle infested Douglas-fir. SHERMAN: (being handcuffed) Say you did catch a poacher. Say he was an Indian who shouldn't have to follow white man's law anyway. BOOTH: Not even a park ranger? SHERMAN: Say he could show you a stand of trees like that. Would you maybe let that Indian go? ZACK: (over the phone) The saw is 300 millimeter with 32 off-set teeth per inch with a wobble factor of one one-hundredth of an inch. BRENNAN: That's a common hack saw, that won't help us much. ZACK: (in her office) Dr. Brennan, I'm just wondering if you're going to be sending us anymore samples. HODGINS: Yeah, even more of the same samples. You know, in case we want to double check the...data. BRENNAN: (confused) Ok, I'll let you know. (hangs up) ZACK: (dial tone over the speakerphone) Do you think she'll send more? HODGINS: God in heaven I hope so. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the woods, where Sherman in handcuffs is leading them) SHERIFF: The Japanese, right? Pay a fortune for that bear meat and take the gallbladders to fix up their pecker troubles. BOOTH: Would have gotten away with it if you hadn't kept the meat in the freezer. SHERMAN: I'm not admitting nothing. BRENNAN: He couldn't bring himself to waste the meat. SHERMAN: (stops and looks up at the trees) This patch of trees is all infested with beetles. (Booth walks off in a direction) According to the GPS, the bear was here seven days ago. BRENNAN: That fits the timeline for the arm. SHERIFF: What are we looking for? BRENNAN: I'm guessing we're looking for a shallow grave that has been disrupted by a hungry bear. BOOTH: (looking down at something) Or, maybe some kind of satanic stonehenge circle. (Pans out to reveal a circle pattern made of stone. Brennan walks over and gets out her camera to take pictures) SHERIFF: You see this kind of thing all the time, kids come up here get baked and do their own version of the Blair Witch Project (walking over to look) BRENNAN: (confused) I don't know what that means. BOOTH: It's a horror movie Bones. (Brennan takes pictures) Didn't make any sense. SHERIFF: Scary though with the bloody handprints (holds out hand) ANGELA: (dialing on her cell phone) Ange, I'm going to beam you some stills of what looks like a ritualistic Indian site. A medicine wheel of some kind. BOOTH: (to Sherman) This thing legit? SHERMAN: What am I? A shaman? BRENNAN: (on phone) Dr. Goodman is an expert on Native American anthropology, he should be able to tell you what it means. SHERIFF: And the symbols on the inside, Sherman ... you're looking guiltier by the minute. SHERMAN: Aw, shut up Chris, you know better than that. SHERIFF: (arguing with Sherman) Hey, you're a poacher man, and I sure as hell didn't see that coming either. (Brennan notices something and walks over to it) BOOTH: (coming over) Got something? BRENNAN: (putting on gloves) Waxy leaves...means methane gas is leaching from the soil (digs around). BOOTH: You mean like a body? (Brennan pushes aside some grass and reveals human remains) SHERMAN: That's Adam Langer. BRENNAN: (pushes aside more grass) There's a woman here too. BOOTH: Ann Noyes, the hiker. BRENNAN: And, she's missing her heart. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Lab, Goodman is looking at the photo Brennan sent with Angela.) GOODMAN: It's a perversion of a Salish medicine wheel. This is the spirit chief Cha-che u-me'-chu [?]. The southern most stone should represent strength; the centre of the wheel should represent life force. (shakes head) But this is upside down and inside out. ANGELA: We're dealing with a cannibal. GOODMAN: I suppose you could interpret this as taking energy away from someone by eating their flesh. Zoom in. (Angela zooms the picture in) Yeah, this is the symbol for strength, the arm. This one is for spirit, the heart. This one for knowledge and this is for courage. ANGELA: So we're looking for maybe a scarecrow, tin man or a lion? GOODMAN: (gives Angela a look) You say two bodies were found. ANGELA: (pulls up another photo and points) Over here, they were dug up by a bear. One showing signs that his arm was eaten by the cannibal, the other missing her heart. GOODMAN: (thinking) There should be two more bodies to complete the ritual. ANGELA: They checked the site, there were only these two. GOODMAN: If I have analyzed this correctly, that means there will be two more victims. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to morgue where Brennan and Rigby are examining the two bodies) RIGBY: Both victims were killed by gun shots to the head. BRENNAN: These satellite patterns at the entry wounds indicate a low caliber hand gun at close range (talking into her recorder). RIGBY: (takes closer look) That's remarkable. BRENNAN: Not really. (into the recorder) Based on adipocere formation I am estimating the female has been dead for about... RIGBY: (cutting in) A week? BRENNAN: (nodding) Very good. RIGBY: Thanks. Well her clothing matches that of Ann Noyes and the male is Adam Langer (Brennan takes a photo of Ann) BRENNAN: My people at the Jeffersonian tell me that the medicine wheel suggests a perversion of an old healing ritual. The cannibal may have eaten the arm for strength and heart for spirit. RIGBY: Now that makes sense, from a certain point of view. Do they think it's an Indian? BRENNAN: (shakes head) No way to tell. RIGBY: I'm not policemen but it doesn't make sense for Sherman Rivers would lead you straight to the evidence that proves he's a murderer and a cannibal. (Cut to a hallway outside, Booth, the Sheriff and Sherman are talking) SHERMAN: Adam was a good guy. He wanted to be a park ranger...I was a...what do you call it... SHERIFF: His mentor? SHERMAN: That's right, his mentor. Taking him out with me on my rounds, showing him the ropes of the job. BOOTH: Well, maybe Adam found out you were poaching so you made sure he wouldn't talk. SHERMAN: Yeah, so I ate his arm and ate someone's heart for dessert, 'cause that's the type of guy I am. BOOTH: Well you know he fits the description of someone who's missing an arm, why didn't you say anything? SHERMAN: (sighing) Somebody says they're maybe going to come and visit. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe they go see their climbing buddy instead. SHERIFF: Charlie? BOOTH: The overnight guy? SHERMAN: Maybe sometimes they go visit a girl SHERIFF: What girl? SHERMAN: I'm not comfortable saying. BOOTH: Oh, maybe what you know, with the murders and cannibalism, you get passed that discomfort. SHERMAN: Adam had a thing with the vet lady, so did his buddy Charlie. You know how jealous white people can be. SHERIFF: (raises hand) Um, in the interest of full disclosure I got to say that I see Denise from time to time too. (Sherman chuckles) What, you find that funny? BRENNAN: (walking out from the room, holding up her phone) You know the apple we found in Sherman's cabin? BOOTH: You get a mold? BRENNAN: Zack? ZACK: (over the speakerphone) Yeah, the mold from the apple does not match the teeth mark on the bones. BRENNAN: Thanks Zack. (hangs up) SHERMAN: So what does that mean? BRENNAN: It means you aren't the cannibal. SHERMAN: (Sheriff uncuffing him) I already knew that. BOOTH: The point was to convince us. SHERIFF: What do we do now? Start checking everyone's teeth in town? BOOTH: Not everybody. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to inside the bar, Denise-who has been drinking-is talking with Booth and Brennan) DENISE: We consume or we're consumed. We're consumed by greed, by ambition, lust, jealousy... BOOTH: Dr. Randall...if you could just bite... DENISE: (cuts in) Even, just regular love is a form of cannibalism. BRENNAN: Could you just put the dental medium between your teeth? DENISE: I mean the whole perfect idea of love is that two people become one...now that's a kind of consumption. BRENNAN: We're talking about something more literal, Dr. Randall (shoots Booth a look and mumbles) We need her to bite it. BOOTH: Why didn't you report him missing? DENISE: (takes a drink) Because I would had to admit that he and I were lovers. BRENNAN: Why not admit it? DENISE: Because it would have made another guy angry. BOOTH: What other guy? DENISE: Charlie...and Sheriff Scutter...and Andrew Rigby and maybe a couple of others...I don't...well, there's not a lot to do in a place like Aurora, so whatcha do, you do...a lot. BOOTH: Dr. Randall, can you just bite... DENISE: (cuts in) And if I were your cannibal, would I have pointed out there were human bones in the bear after the autopsy. BRENNAN: An autopsy on an animal is called a necropsy. DENISE: Yeah, there's a reason I get all the guys and you don't...(bites the mouth piece) And let me tell ya, if I ate Adam (placing the piece in Booth's bag), there wouldn't be anything left (takes another drink ad Booth and Brennan exchange glances). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lab, Zack and Angela are looking over evidence on the screens) ZACK: Here, and here (pointing)...these look like tooth marks again. ANGELA: OK. ZACK: But they are too regular, they're exactly 2.4 millimeters apart. Teeth aren't that exact...it has to be some kind of machine. ANGELA: She was eaten by a machine? ZACK: I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut back to the bar, Booth and Brennan are leaving) BOOTH: (putting on his jacket) We've got a love triangle...quadrangle...octangle...whatever. Jealousy, always a good motive. BRENNAN: For murdering Adam Langer, maybe, but Ann Noyes? And the cannibalism? No, we are looking for someone who is clinically insane. BOOTH: And the whole rant thing the vet lady had about people consuming each other, that was whacky. (Brennan's cell phone rings) BRENNAN: Yeah, but kind of true, don't you think? (picks up phone) Hey Angela. ANGELA: (over the phone) Sweetie, Zack wants to beam you something. BRENNAN: OK, hold on a second. (takes off knapsack and starts setting up computer) ANGELA: (in her office with Zack) See if you can tell what it is, but if you're in a public place, you might want to cover your screen. BRENNAN: (outside the bar, computer set up) What am I looking at? ZACK: (over the phone) Indentations on Ann Noyes' sternum. BRENNAN: Magnification? (looking at images on her screen) ZACK: Forty BRENNAN: I can't believe both Dr. Rigby and I missed these. Good job. BOOTH: (looking) What are they? BRENNAN: (to the phone) How far apart are these indentations? ANGELA: 2.4 millimeters. BRENNAN: (to Booth, pointing at screen) Ok, these marks and the splitting of the bones here, were made by a sternum spreader. BOOTH: There's no record of Ann Noyes having heart surgery. (Brennan realizes something, and shuts the computer quickly) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth and Brennan walking down the hallway of the hospital) BRENNAN: Rigby didn't miss it ...moments like this is why I need a gun. (Booth stops and bends down to unstrap a gun that is against his ankle) Where else do you keep them? (Takes gun Booth gives to her). Thank you. BOOTH: That is for self defense, so you don't just go blasting away in there. BRENNAN: What if I have to shoot? What part of the body should I hit? BOOTH: The part that isn't me...just stay back. (Booth opens a door and enters. Brennan walks straight past him) BRENNAN: The bodies are gone. BOOTH: What's he going to do, take them into the woods for a late night snack? BRENNAN: If I were him, I would destroy the evidence. (Cut to another room where Rigby is preparing to throw the bodies into an incinerator. Booth and Brennan walk in, guns drawn) BOOTH: (point gun) Step away from the incinerator Dr. Rigby. (Brennan hits the button to stop the incinerator) RIGBY: You don't understand, it's a spiritual right to share life force with... BOOTH: (cuts in) Look, you're nuts, k. We get it. We don't need to hear the rambling psycho speech on why you did it. RIGBY: (to Brennan, walking towards them) You're an anthropologist, you know ancient civilizations would sacrifice some in order to preserve the strength... (Brennan takes a bed pan and whacks Rigby in the back, he falls over and is out.) BOOTH: (looks down at a fallen Rigby) What did you do that for? BRENNAN: (holding up the bed pan) Nobody wants to hear that rambling psycho speech. BOOTH: A bed pan? (Brennan gives him a look, and throws it down) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to the lab, both Hodgins and Zack are waiting for Toni) ZACK: Why do we have to face her together? HODGINS: (adjusting collar) Want this settled or what? ZACK: I definitely like this settle. HODGINS: (sees Angela walking towards them) What are you doing here? ANGELA: You kidding? It's like watching the clash of the horny titans. (Toni walks towards them) TONI: Who would like to sign for this? HODGINS: Who wouldn't want to sign for it? TONI: So the idea is, whoever signs for this... ZACK: Yes, the act of signing is an analog for... HODGINS: (cuts in) She gets it. (Toni looks at the both of them, taking her time and ultimately hands it to Angela.) ANGELA: Oh. (surprised) oh...oh. (chuckles) That is really sweet, thank you. (takes the envelope as Toni turns to leave. She uses the envelope to fan herself) HODGINS: That is so hot (watching Toni leave) ZACK: Why, why is that hot? It'd be hotter if she chosen me. HODGINS: No, this is definitely hotter. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cuts to Aurora. Booth and Brennan are sitting at the bar eating breakfast) BRENNAN: And to think I didn't want to come here with you. I mean, this was a fascinating case...you don't often find ritual cannibalism in practice so close to home (takes a bit of her cereal). BOOTH: Which I find a plus. BRENNAN: There are always those individuals within a species who are driven to break the most basic taboos. I mean Rigby actually ate human flesh. BOOTH: (trying to eat) Bones, I just got my steak and eggs... BRENNAN: (cuts in) Rigby has a prion disease, which means he's been a cannibal for quite some time...you realize when we go to trial he could use the insanity defense (drinks her OJ). BOOTH: The guy is nuts. BRENNAN: Yes, but is he nuts because he got a brain disease from eating human flesh or was he already nuts the first time he ate flesh or did he just lick his fingers after surgery. BOOTH: (puts down utensils and pushes his plate away) I should just become a vegetarian. BRENNAN: Or as an alternative just don't eat people. (Booth grabs the ketchup and squirts some on his plate) You know, I'm going to come back up here this winter. Charlie says the skiing is great. BOOTH: (mouth full, smiling) Oh, so it's Charlie. BRENNAN: Yeah, the overnight guy. BOOTH: (laughs while eating) Yeah, I know who he is. BRENNAN: I bet he's a great skier...his hips and thighs are perfectly developed for strength and maneuverability... BOOTH: (pushes his plate away) That's good...I'm done. BRENNAN: What? No good? Want some cornflakes? (Spoons some cornflake for Booth) Want some? BOOTH: No. END.

Plan: A: Dr. Brennan; Q: Who reluctantly joins Agent Booth to travel to Aurora, Washington State? A: Brennan; Q: Who is hit on by every available man in the small town? A: a human hand; Q: What was found in the stomach of a bear? A: cannibalism; Q: What was the man a victim of? A: The investigation; Q: What hits a roadblock? A: a suspect; Q: What does Booth lose in the woods? A: the local bar; Q: Where do Booth and Brennan go to get a break from the unwanted attention? A: Hodgins; Q: Who competes with Zack for the attention of a delivery woman? Summary: Dr. Brennan reluctantly joins Agent Booth to travel to Aurora, Washington State, where a human hand was found inside the stomach of a bear. As Brennan identifies the man, she discovers he might have been a victim of cannibalism. The investigation hits a roadblock when Booth loses a suspect in the woods, leading him and Dr. Brennan to spend some time in the local bar where Brennan is hit on by every available man in the small town. Booth shares a dance with Brennan to give her a break from all the unwanted attention. Meanwhile, at the lab, Zack and Hodgins compete for the attention of a beautiful package delivery employee.

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Angel's apartment. Buffy and Kendra are faced off, ready to continue their fight. Buffy: (out of breath) Okay, one more time. You're the who?! Kendra: I'm de Slayer. Buffy: Nice cover story. But here's a tip: you might wanna try it on someone who's not the real Slayer. Kendra: Ya can't stop me! Even if ya kill me, anodder Slayer will be sent to take me place. Buffy: Could you stop with the Slayer thing? I'm the damn Slayer! Kendra: Nonsense! Dere is but one, and I am she. Buffy: Okay, (sniffs) a scenario. (holds up her hand) You back off, I'll back off, but you promise not to go all wiggy until we can go to my Watcher and figure this out. Kendra: Wiggy? Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o? Kendra considers the offer a moment, then relaxes her stance and crosses her arms. Kendra: I accept your scenario. Buffy: So. You were sent here? Kendra: Yes, by my Watcher. Buffy: To do what, exactly? Kendra: To do my duty. I am here to kill vampires. Cut to the back room at Willy's bar. The camera pans from the window over to the cage. The sunlight has advanced past the cage door and is only about three feet from the far wall. Angel is crouched in the far corner, cowering and afraid. He looks up at the light coming through the window. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Kendra stands at attention as Giles paces. Buffy just leans on a chair with her left hand and has her right hand on her hip. Giles: And your Watcher is, i-is Sam Zabuto, you say? Kendra: Yes, sir. Giles: We've never met, but he, he's, he's very well-respected. Buffy: What, so he's a real guy? As in non-fictional? Giles: And you are called...? Kendra: I am de Vampire Slayer. Buffy: We got that part, hon. He means your name. Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir. Buffy: (haughty) Can you say 'stuck in the 80's'? Giles: Buffy, please. Uh, there's obviously some, some misunderstanding here. Willow comes bouncing into the library with a smile on her face. Kendra marches around Buffy to intercept her. Willow: (greets them) Hey! Kendra: Identify yourself! Willow is taken aback and her smile fades to a frown. Buffy: Back off, pink ranger! This is my friend. Kendra: Friend? Buffy: Yeah. As in person you hang with? Amigo? Kendra: I don't understand. Buffy: (to Giles, exasperated) You try. I'm tapped. (sits) Giles: Uh-uh, Kendra, uh, there are a-a-a few people, uh, ci-civilians if you like, who, who know Buffy's identity. Willow is one of them, a-a- and they also, um, spend time together, uh, socially. Kendra: And you allow dis, sir? Giles: Well, uh... Kendra: But de Slayer must work in secret for security. Giles: Of course, uh, but, uh, with Buffy, however, it-it's, um, some flexibility is required. Buffy gives Giles a look. Kendra: Why? Willow: (confused) Hi, guys. W-what's goin' on? (goes to sit across from Buffy) Buffy: Apparently there's been a really big mix-up. Giles: Uh, it seems somehow that, uh, another Slayer has been sent to Sunnydale. Willow: Is that even possible? I mean, two Slayers at the same time? Giles: Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... (realizes) Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy. Buffy: I was only gone for a minute. Giles: Clearly it doesn't matter how long you were gone. You were physically dead! Thus causing the activation of the, the next Slayer. (nods toward Kendra) Kendra: She died? Buffy: Just a little. Giles: She drowned, but she was revived. Willow: So there really are two of them! Giles: It would seem so. This is completely unprecedented! I'm quite flummoxed. (sits) Buffy: What's the flum? It's a mistake, she isn't supposed to be here, she goes home! (to Kendra) Look, no offense, I really don't mean this personally, but I'm not dead, and frankly having you around creeps me out just a little bit. Kendra: I cannot just leave. I was sent here for a reason. Mr. Zabuto said all de signs indicate dat a very dark power is about to rise in Sunnydale. Buffy: (gets up) And what's your great plan for finding this dark power? You just gonna attack people randomly till you find a bad one? Kendra: Of course not. Buffy: Then why the hell did you attack me? Kendra: I tought you were a vampire. Buffy: Oh, a swing and a miss for the rookie. (walks around Kendra to Willow) Kendra: I had good reason to tink you were. Did I not see you kissing a vampire? Willow: (stands up in her defense) Buffy would never do that! (realizes) Oh. (to Buffy) Except for that sometimes you do that. (to Kendra) But only with Angel. (to Buffy) Right? (sits again) Buffy: Yes! Right. (to Kendra) Look, you saw me with Angel, and he is a vampire, but he's good. Kendra: Angel? You mean Angelus? I've read about him. He is a monster. Giles: No, no, no, he's, he's good now. Willow: (smiles) Really! Buffy: He had a gypsy curse. Kendra: He has a what? Buffy: Y'know what, just trust me on this one, okay? He's on the home team now. Kendra: I cannot believe you. He looked to me just like anodder animal when I... Buffy: When you what? (confronts her) What did you do to him? Kendra: I... Buffy: What did you do?! Cut to the back room of Willy's bar. Angel leans against the back wall, weakened by the ambient light. Willy comes in and looks at him. He opens the cage door and walks in. He uses his body to shade Angel from the direct sunlight and drags him out of the cage and into another storage room. There he opens a hatch in the floor to the sewers below and drops Angel down into the shallow water. Angel is too weak to get up on his own. Willy lowers himself through the hatch and drops to the water, too. He's unhappy about the fact that his shoes have just been ruined. Spike walks into the light from the shadows. Willy: There you go, friend. He'll be as good as new in a day or so. Two of Spike's thugs arrive to drag Angel away. Willy holds up his hands to stop them. Willy: Uh, hey, wai-wait. We had a deal, right? Spike: (pulls out a wad of cash) What's the matter, Willy? Don't you trust me? (starts handing him bills) Willy: Oh, yeah. Like a brother. Spike slaps him across the cheek. Spike: Talk and I'll have your guts for garters. Willy: Wild horses couldn't drag it. Spike holds up the last bill, crumbles it and drops it into the water. Spike: Oops! Sorry, friend. Willy bends over to pick up the bill as the two thugs grab Angel and drag him off. Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway? Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know. He follows his goons down the sewer. Willy counts his money again. Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the foyer. Norman's case is open and Cordelia is going through the samples. Cordelia: Do you have anything in raisin? I know you wouldn't think so, but I'm both a winter and a summer. Norman: Nine ninety-nine, tax included. Cordelia: You said that already. Do you have anything in the berry family? Norman: Are there more ladies in the house? Cordelia: Oh, no, they're not home. (faces him) You know, nothing personal, but maybe you should look into selling dictionaries, or... some... She sees a mealworm crawl out of his sleeve and onto his hand. Xander comes back down the stairs and sees Norman. Cordelia slowly backs away from him. Xander: Hey, what's up? Cordelia: Um, he's a salesman, and he was just leaving, right? Uh, okay! Buh-bye! Thank you! Xander: (reaches up to guide him out) Okay, Mary Kay, time to... Another mealworm crawls across Norman's cheek and into his right ear. Xander backs away. Xander: Time to run! He breaks into a run, guiding Cordelia away with him as Norman transforms into a mass of mealworms. They quickly crawl across the floor. Xander and Cordelia run into the kitchen for the back door, but Norman is already there, reassembled and waiting for them. Cordelia screams, and Xander grabs her hand and pulls her back into the hall. They open the door to the basement and hurry in, closing the door behind them. The mealworms try to come under the door, but they stomp on them. Xander: Find something to cover the crack under the door! He grabs a broom and sweeps the mealworms back under the door with it. Cordelia: Uhh... (finds a roll of duct tape) Here! I don't do worms. He gives her an exasperated look, grabs the roll from her and shoves the broom into her hands. Xander: Cover me! She sweeps at the mealworms while he pulls a length of tape off of the roll and sticks it to the bottom of the door. Cordelia: Eww! Eh! Eh! Cut to the back room of Willy's bar. Buffy barges through the door. Buffy: Angel?! Kendra walks into the cage where she left him and looks around. Kendra: No ashes. Buffy: What? Kendra: When a vampire combusts, he leaves ashes. Buffy: Yeah, I know the drill. Kendra: So I did not kill him. Buffy: And I don't need to kill *you*. Willy shows up at the door. Willy: Whoa! There's a lotta tension in this room. Kendra attacks him and pushes him out of the back room and onto the floor. Buffy: Doesn't anyone just say 'hello' where you come from? Kendra turns Willy over on the floor and grabs him by the shirt, ready to punch. Kendra: Dis one is dirty! I can *feel* it! Buffy: That's really good for you, Percepto Girl, (lifts him up) but we're not gonna get anything out of him if he's, oh, say, (slams him into the bar) unconscious. (to Willy) Where's Angel? Willy: My buddy Angel? You think I'd let him fry? I saved him in the nick! He was about five minutes away from being a crispy critter. Buffy: Where'd he go? Willy: Uh, he said he was gonna stay underground. You know, recuperate. Buffy: Are you telling me the truth? Willy: I swear on my mother's grave! Should something fatal happen to her, God forbid. Kendra: Den he is alright. We can return to your Watcher for our orders. Buffy: (lets go of Willy) I don't take orders. I do things my way. Kendra: No wonder you died. Buffy: (ignores the comment) Let's go. They start to leave. Willy steps away from the bar. Willy: I, I have to ask. (the girls looks back) Has either of you girls considered modeling? I have a friend with a camera? Strictly high-class nude work. You know, art photographs. But naked. Buffy and Kendra exchange a look and just walk out without a word. Willy: You don't have to answer right away. Cut to Drusilla's bed. She's asleep. Spike bends over her and strokes her hair. She wakes. Drusilla: (moans) I was dreaming. Spike: Of what, pet? Drusilla: We were in Paris. You had a branding iron. Spike: I brought you something. He goes over to the stairs and picks Angel up from the landing. Drusilla: And there were worms in my baguette. Spike: (drags Angel in) Your sire, my sweet. (dumps him on the floor) Drusilla: My Angel? Spike: (comes back to the bed) The one and only. Now all we need's the full moon tonight, and he will die, and you will be fully restored. (takes her hand, whispers) My black goddess. (kisses her hand) My ripe, (works his way up her arm) wicked plum. (raises his head) It's been... Drusilla: Forever. They kiss passionately. Angel watches from the floor, all tied up and gagged. He strains against his bonds. They break off their kiss. Drusilla: Spike, let me have him. Hmm? Until the moon. Spike: (smiles) Alright, you can play, but don't kill him. He mustn't die till the ritual. Drusilla: Bring him to me. Spike picks Angel up from the floor and forces him over to Drusilla. She grabs him by the chin and looks him in the eye. Drusilla: You've been a very bad daddy. She slaps him across the face. Angel is powerless to do anything. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High. Giles, Kendra, Willow and Buffy come down the outside stairs and head into the halls. Giles: Kendra, I-I've, uh, conferred with your Watcher, Mr. Zabuto, and, uh, we both agree that, uh, until this matter with Spike and Drusilla has been resolved that you two should work together. Buffy: Oh, that'll be a treat. Kendra: So, you believe dat Spike is attempting to revive dis Drusilla to health? Giles: Yes, well, I-I-I-I think that's the, uh, the dark power that your, your Watcher re-referred to. You see, uh, you see Drusilla's not only evil, she's, uh, well, she's also quite mad, and-and-and-and if she's restored to her full health, then, uh, well, there's no, absolutely no telling what she might do. Kendra: Den we will stop Spike. Buffy: Ooo, good plan, let's go, charge! Giles: Buffy... Buffy: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne. Giles: Yes, I'm, I'm afraid it is. You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way. Kendra: De assassins? I read of dem in de writings of Dramius. Giles: Oh, really? W-w-which volume? They exit the hall and walk along the colonnade. Kendra: I believe it was six, sir. Buffy: Um, how do you know all this? Kendra: From me studies. Buffy: So, obviously you have a lot of free time. Kendra: I study because it is required. (Giles smiles) The Slayer handbook insists on it. Willow: There's a Slayer handbook? Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook? Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? (gets a look from Buffy) 'Cause that would be cool... (rolls her eyes) Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case. Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case? Giles: Uh, Kendra, um, perhaps you'd like to show me the, the part in, uh, Dramius Six where, uh, uh, where it refers to the Order of Taraka. Really, I-I, I seem to have never been able to get through that book. It was a bit stodgy. Kendra: (smiles) It was difficult. All dose footnotes. Giles and Kendra laugh out loud. Buffy: (to Willow) Hello, and welcome to planet pocket protector. Giles: Oh, well, B-Buffy, Principal Snyder was snooping round after you. Buffy: (stops) Eee. Career fair. Giles: Best make an appearance, I think. Buffy: Right. Kendra: Buffy's a student here? Giles: Yes. Kendra: Riiight, of course. And I imagine she's a cheerleader as well. Giles: Oh, no, well, a-a-actually she had to give up her cheerleading. (gets a look from Kendra) Uh, it was quite an amusing story, actually. Uh, uh, let's go and find the book, shall we? The two of them head off to the library. Buffy and Willow continue their walk. Buffy: Get a load of the she-Giles. Willow: Creepy. Buffy: Ew. I'll bet Giles wishes I was more of a book geek. Willow: Giles is enough of a book geek for the both of you. Buffy: Yeah, but did you see how they were vibing? (mocks them) Volume six, ha, ha, ha! Willow: Buffy, no one could replace you. You'll always be Giles' favorite. Buffy: I wonder. Willow: Of course, you will. You're *his* Slayer. The *real* Slayer. Buffy: No. I wonder if it would be so bad, being replaced. Willow: You mean, like, letting Kendra take over? Buffy: Maybe. I mean, maybe after this thing with Spike and the assassins is over, I could say, 'Kendra, you slay, I'm going to Disneyland.' Willow: But not forever, right? Buffy: No, Disneyland would get boring after a few months. But I could do other stuff. Career day stuff. Maybe I could even have a normal life. Cut to Buffy's basement. Cordelia is pacing. Xander: Could you sit down, or change your pattern or something? You're making me queasy. Cordelia: (leans on the washer) Because you're just sitting there. You should be thinking up a *plan*. Xander: I have a plan. We wait. Buffy saves us. Cordelia: How will she even know where to find us? Xander: Cordelia, this is Buffy's house. Odds are she'll find us. Cordelia: Well, what if she doesn't? What am I supposed to do? Just waste away down here with you? Haw, haw, no thank you! (makes tracks for the stairs) Xander: (gets up to stop her) What are you doin'? Cordelia: (stops and faces him) Going to see if he's gone! Xander: That's brilliant! What if he isn't? Cordelia: Oh, right! You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else *decides* to be a hero? (goes back to the washer) Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a LOSER! (leans and crosses her arms) Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain that let Mr. Mutant in the house in the FIRST PLACE! Cordelia: HE LOOKED NORMAL! Xander: What, is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head?! All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog! Cordelia: You know what? (heads for the stairs again) I'm going. Xander just raises his eyebrows, ready to let her go. She stops at the foot of the stairs and faces him again. Cordelia: I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face! Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping ya! Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't! I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself! Xander: Not just any girl. (nods) You're special. Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU! Xander: I *hope* these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you, and I'm gonna... (steps closer) Cordelia: (steps closer) I'm gonna what? Coward! Xander: Moron! Cordelia: I *hate* you! Xander: I HATE YOU! They look at each other for another second before grabbing each other and engaging in a mad, passionate kiss. It goes on for several seconds before they suddenly release each other and look at each other in surprise. Xander: We *so* need to get outta here. Cordelia: (nods) Mm-hm! She rushes up the stairs with Xander right behind. They stop at the top, crouch down and give each other anxious looks. Xander grabs one end of the tape and pulls it off. There aren't any worms on the other side. Xander moves the broom aside and opens the door slowly. They both look out into the hall for any sign of the mealworms. Cordelia: He's gone. Xander steps out and peeks around the corner down the hall to the dining room. The coast looks clear, so Xander makes a dash for the front door. Cordelia follows a moment later, and when she comes through the dining room door mealworms begin falling onto her from the ceiling. She screams as they fall on her en masse and runs for the door. Cut outside. Xander throws the door open and dashes into the front yard. Cordelia follows him out, screaming. Cordelia: Xander, oh my God! Get them off of me! Xander turns to look. Cordelia: Get 'em off! He runs for the hose. Cordelia: (terrified) Get 'em off of me! Oh, my God, get 'em off me! (screams) Xander grabs the hose and starts spraying the mealworms off of her. She keeps screaming and turns her back to him, then her front again. He keeps spraying as she tries to brush them off. She turns around again to let him spray her back again and reaches down the back of her dress to get some mealworms out. She turns back around. Cordelia: Okay, okay, let's get outta here! Xander, let's go! He keeps spraying her in spite of her protests. Cordelia: Okay! Let's go! She runs for her car. Xander follows her with the hose for another instant, then drops it and follows her. Cut to a close-up of her license plate, "QUEEN C". She floors it, and they burn rubber into the street. Further down the block she screeches round the corner. Cut to the halls at the school. Buffy and Willow stroll along past the career fair displays. Buffy: My tests say that I should look into law enforcement -- duh! -- and environmental design. Willow: Environmental design. That's landscaping, right? Buffy: I checked the 'shrub' box. But landscaping was yesterday, so law enforcement it is. They stop near the steps to the couches in the lounge. Buffy looks around and notices Oz looking over at Willow. Buffy: (to Willow) Hey, Will, don't look, okay, but... (Willow looks) No, don't look! (smiles) That guy over there is totally checking you out. Willow: (looks with her eyes) Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity. Oz gets up and starts to walk over. Buffy: Really? Then why is he on his way over here right now? Willow is surprised when she sees him coming. Buffy: Told you! (makes a discreet exit) Oz: Hey. Willow: (smiles) Hey! (notices) Your hair! Is brown! Oz: Oh, yeah, sometimes. So, uh, did you decide? Are you gonna be a Corporate Computer Suit Guy? Willow: Oh. Uh, well, I-I think I'm gonna finish high school first. What about you? Oz: I'm not really a computer person, you know. Or a work of any kind person. Willow: They why'd they select you? Oz: Oh, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. E-except that it leads to jobs. Willow: Well, don't you have some ambition? Oz: Oh, yeah! Yeah. E-flat, diminished ninth. Willow: Huh? Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord. Now, you could lose a finger. Willow nods, pretending to understand. Cut to Buffy. She signs up at the law enforcement table and joins the group. Patrice, the recruitment officer, picks up the clipboard and looks it over. Patrice: Alright, listen up, and answer when I call your name. Buffy Summers. Buffy raises her hand. Patrice calmly puts the clipboard back down. Quickly she draws her gun and aims it at Buffy. Buffy reacts in a flash and pushes the recruiter's hands and weapon up into the air as the first round goes off. Panic sets in throughout the hall, and people start to run and duck for cover. Buffy keeps struggling with the officer, and another round goes into the ceiling. She knees her in the gut, and she drops the gun and falls to the floor. Buffy starts to run as Patrice gets to her knees and pulls out her backup gun. Another bullet flies at Buffy as she dives over a table. She stands up again and looks around at everyone. Buffy: GET DOWN! She starts to run again, right past Oz and Willow. Patrice follows Buffy with her aim. Oz: LOOK OUT! He lunges for Willow and pulls her to the floor with him, but takes the next bullet meant for Buffy in the arm. Patrice keeps following Buffy with her gun and shoots off the cranium of a skeleton. Buffy has disappeared down the hall, and the police recruiter carefully makes her way to the wall to peek around it down the hall. She doesn't see her, but senses that she's there, and decides to go to the other end of the wall to come around the other side. The camera pans to the other side where Buffy is leaning against the wall, breathing hard and waiting for Patrice to make her next move. When she is about to come around the other corner, Buffy leaps over a table and tackles her to the floor. She drops her backup gun and it slides away. Buffy gets to her feet and adopts a fighting stance. Patrice gets back to her knees, pulls out her small ankle backup and aims it at Buffy as she stands back up. Before she can get off a round Kendra kicks the gun out of her hands. She follows it up with a kick to Patrice's face, making her fall flat on her back. She makes her stand next to Buffy. Patrice grabs Jonathon as a hostage, pulls out a short blade and threatens him with it. The two girls watch her slowly back toward the door at the end of the hall with the boy in tow. Halfway there she drops Jonathon and makes a dash for the door. Kendra doesn't hesitate to give chase. Buffy rushes over to Oz and Willow and kneels down next to them. Oz is holding his arm. Buffy: How is he? Willow: He's shot! (to Oz) Are you okay? Oz: I, uh, I'm shot! (takes his hand away briefly and chuckles) Y'know. (laughs) Wow! It's odd! And painful. Buffy gets up again when Kendra shows back up. Kendra: She's gone. Jonathon: W-was that a demonstration? Buffy looks around at the scene. Cut to the library. Giles has the first-aid kit out, and Willow is wrapping Buffy's knee. Buffy: She was definitely one of the Taraka gang, Giles, and way gun happy. Giles: This, um, Oz chap, he, he, he's alright? Willow: The paramedic said it was only a scrape. Thank goodness. Cordelia and Xander walk into the library. Kendra tries to head them off. Buffy: Down, girl! Xander: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association? Giles: (on his way to the table) We had a, a rather violent visit from the Order of Taraka. Xander: You wanna talk Order of Taraka? We just met the king *freak* of the... (sees Kendra) Hello. Kendra looks at the floor, humbling herself before Xander. Giles: Oh, forgive me. Uh, Xander, Cordelia, this is Kendra. Uh, i-it's rather complicated, but she's also a Slayer. Cordelia: (heads for the table) Hi. Nice to meet you. Xander: A Slayer, huh? (to Buffy) I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter. Buffy: (hops off of the counter) Just say hello, Xander. (makes for the table with Willow) Xander: Welcome. So! You're a Slayer, huh? I like that in a woman. Kendra: (nervous) Uh... I hope... I tank you... I mean, sir, um... I will be of service. Xander: (looks at the others) Great! (to Kendra) Good. It's good to be a giver. (goes to the table) Giles: Xander, um, this, this, uh, assassin you encountered, what, uh, what did he look like? Cordelia finds a mealworm in her hair and freaks out. She drops it onto a book on the table and gets up. Cordelia: Uhh! Uhh! Ohmigod, I'm showering! (runs from the library) Xander: (indicates the mealworm) Like that. Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that? Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man *of* bugs, not a man who *was* a bug. He slams the biology book shut on the mealworm to kill it and sits down. Giles: The, uh, the-the-the important thing is everybody's alright. Still, it's quite apparent that we're under serious attack. Buffy: These Taraka are definitely serious. (looks at Kendra) Fortunately for me, so is Kendra. Giles: And, uh, I fear the worst is still to come. I've, I-I've discovered the remaining keys to Drusilla's cure. The, uh, the ritual requires that, the presence of her sire, and it must take place in a church on the night of the new moon. Buffy suddenly looks very concerned. Kendra: The new moon. But that is tonight. Giles: Exactly. And I-I'm sure the assassins were here to kill Buffy before she could put a stop to things. Buffy: They need Drusilla's sire. You mean the vamp that made her? Giles: Yes. Willow: Buffy, what is it? Buffy: (looks down) Angel. He's Drusilla's sire. Xander: Man, that guy got major neck in his day! Willow slaps him hard on the shoulder. Buffy: Will this ritual kill him? Giles: Yes, I'm afraid it will. Buffy: We need to find this church. We need to find where this ritual is gonna take place! Giles: Agreed, and we must work quickly. (checks his watch) We have five hours before sundown. Willow: (opens her laptop) Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel. Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla! Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him. Buffy: Look, you've got your priorities, and I've got mine. Right now they mesh. So, are you gonna help me, or are you gonna get out of my way? Kendra: (considers) I'm wit you. Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend! [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Drusilla's room. She runs her hand across the lid of an elegant wooden box labeled 'Holy Water'. She sings quietly as she lifts the lid and takes out a small crystal pitcher. Drusilla: The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch. (approaches Angel) My mummy ate lemons. Raw. She kneels next to him. Angel is tied to the posts of her canopy bed by both wrists high above his head. Drusilla: She said she loved the way they made her mouth... (runs her hand down and up his chest) tingle. Little Anne. She lets some of the holy water trickle onto his chest. It steams and burns like acid. Angel jerks his head back in pain and stifles a scream. Drusilla: Her favorite was custard... brandied pears. Angel: Dru... Drusilla: (sternly) Shhh! (stands up) And pomegranates. (climbs onto the bed behind Angel) They used to make her face and fingers aaall red. She reaches over his shoulder and lets more holy water dribble onto his chest. Again Angel grits his teeth in pain, but won't let himself scream out loud. Drusilla: Remember? Hmm? Little fingers. Little hands. Do you? Angel: (shivering in pain) If I could... Drusilla: (interrupts angrily) Bite your tongue! They used to eat cake, and eggs, and honey. (sweetly) Until you came and ripped their throats out. She pours the rest of the holy water onto his chest, and Angel screams out loud in agony. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the stacks and heads toward the stairs with a large volume full of pictures. Willow is sitting on the steps websurfing on her laptop. He looks down at her screen and sits down next to her. Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? (pulls out a roll of mints) That seems a little excessive. (tears off some wrapping) Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder. Giles offers her a mint, and she smiles and takes one. He gets back up and continues over to Xander and Cordelia at the table. Giles: Well, check and see if any of them are closed or abandoned. Xander: Yeah, yeah, we got monsters, we got demons, but no bug dude or police lady. Giles sets the volume down in front of them and opens it. Giles: Well, you should have better luck with this one. There's a whole section devoted to the Order of Taraka. Cut to Giles' office. Kendra looks through the window at them doing their research. Buffy is sharpening a knife. Kendra: And dose two, dey also know you are de Slayer? Buffy: Yep. Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what 'secret identity' means? (goes to the desk) Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. (Kendra picks up the crossbow) Right after the chapter on personality removal. Be careful with that thing! Kendra: Please. I'm an expert in all weapons. The bolt flies off of the crossbow and breaks a lamp. Buffy startles. Giles heard the noise from the main room. Giles: Is everything alright? Buffy: Yeah, it's okay. Kendra killed the bad lamp. Kendra: Sorry! Dis, uh, trigger mechanism is different. (sets the bow down) Perhaps when dis is over you can, uh, show me how to work it. Buffy: When this is over I'm thinking pineapple pizza and teen video movie fest. Possibly something from the Ringwald oeuvre. Cut to the main room. Xander turns the page and finds a drawing of the bug dude. Xander: Oh, here we go! I am the bug man, coo coo ka choo. Giles and Willow come over to have a look. Xander reads in another book. Xander: Okay. Okay. He can only be killed when he's in his disassembled state. (to Cordelia) Disassembled. That means when he's broken down into his liiittle buggy parts. Cordelia: I know what it means, *dorkhead*. Xander: (takes mock offense) Dorkhead! You slash me with your words! Giles rubs his eyes. Willow raises her eyebrows at them. Cut to the office. Kendra is handling a stake. Kendra: Your life is very different dan mine. Buffy: You mean the part where I occasionally have one? Yeah, I guess it is. (carves at a stake) Kendra: De tings you do and have, I was taught, distract from my calling. Friends, school... even family. Buffy: Even family? Kendra: My parents, dey sent me to my Watcher when I was very young. Buffy: How young? Kendra: I don't remember dem, actually. I've seen pictures. But, uh, dat's how seriously de calling is taken by my people. My modder and fadder gave me to my Watcher because dey believed dat dey were doing de right ting for me, and for de world. (puts down the stake and gets a sympathetic look from Buffy) Please, I don't feel sorry for meself. Why should you? Buffy: I don't know, I... I guess it just sounds very lonely. Kendra: Emotions are weakness, Buffy. You shouldn't entertain dem. Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets! Kendra: (picks up her knife) Maybe. For you. But I prefer to keep an even mind. (wipes the blade) Buffy: (puts down her knife) Mm. I guess that explains it. Kendra: Explains what? Buffy: (plays with the stake) Oh, well, when we were fighting, uh, you're amazing! Your technique, it's flawless, it's, hmm, better than mine. Kendra: I know. Buffy: Still, I woulda kicked your butt in the end. And ya know why? No imagination. Kendra: (rubs her blade more vigorously) Really? Ya tink so? (puts down the rag) Buffy: Oh, I know so. You're good, but power alone isn't enough. A good fighter needs to know how to improvise, to go with the flow. Uh-uh, seriously, don't get me wrong, y-you really do have potential. (puts away the stake) Kendra: (holds her knife ready) Potential? I could wipe de floor wit you right now! Buffy: (looks Kendra in the eye) That would be anger you're feeling. Kendra: What? Buffy: You feel it, right? How the anger gives you fire? A Slayer needs that. They both look over at Xander as he walks into the office. Xander: Excuse me, ladies. Kendra looks down at the floor while he grabs a book from the desk. Xander notices her knife. Xander: Nice knife. (leaves the office) Buffy: I'm guessing dating isn't big with your Watcher either. Kendra: I'm not permitted to speak with boys. Buffy: Unless you're pummeling them. (has a realization) Wait a minute. Kendra: What? Buffy: That guy! The sleazoid you nearly decked in the bar. Kendra: You tink he might help us? Buffy: I tink we might make him! Cut to Drusilla's room. She is kneeling between Angel's spread-apart legs and holds the little pitcher of holy water above him. Drusilla: Say 'Uncle'. (lowers the pitcher) Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle. She is about to pour some onto his chest again when Spike comes in. Spike: That's it, then. (Drusilla looks up at him) Off to church. Drusilla: (stands up) It makes pretty colors. Spike: Pft! I'll see him die soon enough. I've never been much for the pre-show. He reaches up to untie one of Angel's bonds while Drusilla puts away the holy water and gets Miss Edith. Angel: Too bad. That's what Drusilla likes best, as I recall. Spike: What's that supposed to mean? (steps over to the other bond) Angel: Ask her. She knows what I mean. Drusilla has come back to stand behind Spike's shoulder, and he turns his head to face her. Spike: Well? Drusilla: (to Angel) Shhh! Grrrruff! Bad dog. Angel: You shoulda let me talk to him, Dru. Sounds like your boy could use some pointers. She likes to be teased. Spike has finished untying the other bond and throws it to the floor. Spike: Keep your hole shut! (stands over him) Angel: Take care of her, Spike. The way she touched me just now? I can tell when she's not satisfied. Spike: I said SHUT UP! He grabs Angel by the throat, lifts him to his feet and holds him against the bedpost. Angel: Or maybe you two just don't have the fire we had. Spike: That's enough. He pounds his other hand into the wooden railing of Drusilla's bed, grabs the piece that broke off and holds it up to stake Angel. Drusilla: Spike, no! Spike holds back. Angel tries to goad him on with a stare. Drusilla steps over to Spike and gently puts her arm on his shoulder and snuggles up to him. Drusilla: Shhh. Spike: Oh! Right. Right, you almost got me! Aren't you a 'throw himself to the lions' sort of sap these days. Well, the lions are on to you, baby. See, if I kill you now you go quick, and Dru hasn't got a chance. And if Dru dies your little Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and all her mates are spared her coming-out party. (squeezes Angel's throat) Drusilla: Spike, the moon is rising. It's time. Spike: Too bad, Angelus. Looks like you go the hard way. Along with the rest of this miserable town. He keeps holding Angel against the bedpost as he and Drusilla engage in a passionate kiss. Cut to Willy's bar. Buffy shoves him up against the shelves of liquor bottles. Willy: Ah! Honest! I don't know where Angel is! Buffy: What about this ritual? What have you heard? Willy: N-nothing! I-it's all hush-hush! Kendra: Just hit him, Buffy! Buffy: (to Willy) She likes to hit. Willy: You know, m-maybe I did hear something about this ritual. Yeah, i-i... I-it's coming back to me. But, uh, I'd have to take you there. Buffy: Let's go. (starts to drag him out of the bar) Kendra: First we must return to de Watcher. Buffy: (stops) Excuse me? While we run to Giles, this whole thing could go down! Kendra: But it is procedure. Buffy: It's brainless, you mean! If we don't go now, Angel could die. (starts out again) Kendra: Is dat all you're worried about? Your boyfriend? Buffy: (stops again) No, it's not all, but it's enough. Kendra: It's as I feared. He clouds your judgment. We can't stop dis ritual alone! Buffy: Are you listening to me? He could die! Kendra: He's a vampire. He *should* die. Why am I de only person who sees it? Buffy just stares at her a moment before turning around again and heading for the door with Willy in tow. Kendra: Are you dat big a fool? Buffy shoves Willy out ahead of her and leaves Kendra behind in the bar. Kendra: (exhales) Good riddance, den. Cut to the church. Cut inside. Willy leads her down an arched hallway. Willy: Here ya go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch. They round a corner, and Patrice and a vampire are waiting there for them. Willy: Here ya go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch. Norman and another vampire block her escape from behind. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The nave of the church. Spike walks up the main aisle from the altar with a burning incense censer. Spike: Eligor. I name thee. Bringer of war, poisoners, pariahs, grand obscenity. He turns back to the altar. Angel and Drusilla are both strapped together to a chain that hangs from the ceiling. Angel's right hand is tied to the chain above his head. Spike: Eligor, wretched master of decay, bring your black medicine. Drusilla: Black medicine. Spike sets the censer down on the altar and picks up the Du Lac Cross with his gloved hand. Spike: Come. (holds up the cross upside-down) Restore your most impious, murderous child. Drusilla: Murderous child. He grabs the downward-pointing tip of the cross with his other hand and yanks down, pulling out a dagger. He lays the rest of the cross back on the altar. Spike: From the blood of the sire she is risen. He takes Drusilla's left hand and raises it to Angel's, and she clasps it. Spike: From the blood of the sire, she shall rise again. With one swift stroke Spike stabs the blade through their hands. Angel screams in agony. A blindingly bright pink light emanates from their wounds. A pulse of energy spreads out, and then the light dies back down to a faint glimmer as Angel's strength begins to ebb from him into Drusilla. She droops backward, feeling Angel's energy flow into her. Spike: Right, then! Now we just let them come to a simmering boil, and remove to a low flame. Willy barges through the door and strides into the nave with the vampires and assassins escorting Buffy close behind. Willy: It's payday, pal. I got your Slayer. Spike strides up the aisle to meet him. Spike: (angry) Are you tripping?! You bring her here?! Now?! Willy: You said you wanted her. Buffy sees Angel and Drusilla tied together at the altar. Spike: In the ground, pinhead! I wanted her dead. Willy: Now, that's not what I heard. Word was there was a bounty on her dead or alive. Spike: You heard wrong, Willy. Buffy: (whispers) Angel. Spike: Yeah. (steps over to Buffy) It bugs me, too, seeing him like that. Another five minutes, though, and Angel will be dead, so... I forebear. Don't feel too bad for Angel, though, he's got something you don't have. Buffy: (angry) What's that? Spike: Five minutes. Patrice! She lets go of Buffy and draws her gun. Buffy struggles to get loose from the vampire holding her. The other door suddenly bursts open, and Kendra comes in doing a series of backflips, ending in a flying double kick, one foot to the back of each of the vampire's heads. They fall to the floor, pushing Buffy into Spike and knocking him down. Kendra lands on her feet, ready to fight. She wastes no time running over to Spike as he gets up, meeting Buffy there to fight him. Spike: Who the hell is this?! Kendra grabs him by the shirt. Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike. Kendra: Two Slayers! (decks him) Buffy: No waiting! (jabs him) Spike falls but quickly gets up. Buffy breaks off to fight Patrice, leaving Kendra to take care of Spike. He ducks a roundhouse kick from her. Buffy faces off with Patrice. She extends her arms down, and a blade slides out from each sleeve. One of the vampires gets up from the floor next to them and starts to reach for Buffy when a bolt impales him. He falls and turns to ashes while Giles looks on from the door, still holding the crossbow. Buffy and Patrice begin to fight hand-to- hand. Patrice thrusts one blade, then the other at Buffy, but she catches her arms and holds them up while she knees Patrice in the stomach. Buffy follows up with a kick to her face and sends her stumbling back into the wall. Spike lands a punch on Kendra, knocking her down, and she scrambles to avoid his follow-up kick. The other vampire gets up also, and Giles runs to engage him. He swings the crossbow at him, but the vampire grabs it, and they struggle over it. Giles swings at the vampire and hits him in the face. Willow jumps up onto his back and starts choking him with her arm. Xander spots Norman and taunts him. Xander: Hey, larvae boy! (Norman sees him) Yeah, that's right, I'm talkin' to you, ya big cootie! Norman smiles and starts after him. Xander scrambles for the doors and carefully steps through as he closes them behind him to avoid stepping into the puddle of liquid adhesive Cordelia has poured there. She still has the bucket in her hand. Xander: Welcome, my little pretties! Norman comes under the door as a mass of mealworms. Back inside Giles punches the vampire twice while Willow keeps holding on. Kendra jumps over Spike when he tries to knock her legs out from under her. She tries another roundhouse kick, but he blocks it. He uses the momentum of the block to spin around and hit her again. Patrice gets back up and comes for Buffy. She ducks a kick from Buffy and lunges at her with her blades, but Buffy handily blocks her. She swings at Buffy's face with one, but Buffy ducks out of the way. Out in the hall the mealworms have gotten stuck in the adhesive and Xander and Cordelia begin to stomp them. Inside Kendra swings at Spike and is blocked. Spike lands another hit on her. Buffy punches Patrice in the face and sends her staggering back into the wall again. Spike punches Kendra again, and follows up with a roundhouse kick. She hits the floor and scrambles back up again. Buffy notices her getting knocked around. Buffy: Switch! She bends over and Kendra rolls over her back to face Patrice, immediately landing a punch and knocking her into the wall a third time. Buffy faces Spike. Spike: I'd rather be fightin' you anyway. Buffy: Mutual. She blocks his thrust, then kicks him in the face and again in the gut. He doubles over and falls to the floor. In the hall Cordelia and Xander continue stomping away. Cordelia: Die! Die, die, die! Die! Xander puts his hand on her lower back to calm her. Xander: I think he did, Cordy. She drops the bucket and they run off. Inside, Buffy blocks a punch from Spike, and another, but then he lands punches to her stomach and face. She blocks his next swing and holds his arm while she punches him twice in the face. She grabs his coat and pulls him around and throws him over several pews and into the wall. Behind another pew Willy gets up. Spike growls as he stands back up and sees Willy trying to sneak out of the church. He rushes over and grabs him by the back of the neck. Spike: Where are you going? Buffy seizes the opportunity to run to the altar and pull the dagger out of Angel and Drusilla's hands. Willy: Now, there's a way in which this isn't my fault! Spike: They tricked you. Willy: Mm-hm! They were duplicitous! Spike: Well, then I'll only kill you just this once. (goes for the bite) Drusilla: (weakly) Spike! Spike stops before biting Willy and looks over at her. He sees Buffy trying to untie them. He lets go of Willy and rushes over to the altar, grabs Buffy and shoves her to the floor. He backhand punches her as she gets back up, knocking her down again. Willy wastes no time running out of the church past Willow and Giles, who are still fighting the other vampire. Giles has him held back by both arms and Willow has a stake raised to kill him. Willow: Hold him steady! She plunges the stake into the vampire's heart and he bursts into ashes, leaving Giles all dusty. Xander and Cordelia run into the back of the nave as Willow pats the dust off of Giles. Patrice throws Kendra over a knocked-over pew and climbs over after her. She swings at Kendra twice, but misses both times when Kendra ducks. She swings again and this time slashes her in the arm. Kendra grabs her wound and looks down at it. Kendra: Dat's me favrit shirt! Dat's me *only* shirt! Now Kendra is really mad, and she kicks Patrice in the back of the knee, making her lose her balance. She grabs Patrice by the arm and throws her into a cabinet in front of the organ, smashing it to pieces and knocking her out. Kendra runs over to join the others. Spike takes a torch from its wall hanger and throws it into a pile of old drapes, setting them ablaze. Xander: Look out!

Plan: A: Sunnydale High; Q: Where does Career Week take place? A: an uneasy alliance; Q: What kind of alliance do Buffy and Kendra form? A: Spike; Q: Who is the vampire that Buffy and Kendra are trying to stop? A: Drusilla's only cure; Q: What is Angel's blood to Drusilla? A: The Slayers; Q: Who brings Spike's plan down? Summary: While Career Week drags on at Sunnydale High, Buffy and Kendra form an uneasy alliance to stop Spike from sacrificing Angel, whose blood, ritually spilled when the moon is full, is Drusilla's only cure. The Slayers bring Spike's plan, to host a massive killing spree for Dru's "coming out party," down around his ears.

Genesis of the Daleks by: Terry Nation Part Two Running time: 24:51 [SCENE_BREAK] DAVROS: Follow. Gharman, there is much to be done. SARAH: Help! [SCENE_BREAK] TANE: Party approaching. Check one. TANE: You will announce your name, rank and serial number. Speak now. NYDER (OOV.): Tane, this is Security Commander Nyder with prisoners and escort. NYDER: I want these two screened and passed to Ronson for full interrogation. TANE: Yes, sir. NYDER: Prisoner's belongings. DOCTOR: Good. Well, now he's gone, any chance of a cup of tea? TANE: What! DOCTOR: Or coffee. My friend and I have had a very trying experience. Haven't we had a trying experience, Harry? HARRY: Very trying, Doctor. TANE: Step into the security scan. DOCTOR: What, no tea? TANE: Let me point out to you that you have no rights whatsoever. I have full authority to torture and kill any prisoner who does not comply absolutely with my orders. That is your first and last warning. DOCTOR: No tea, Harry. TANE: You're cleared. Move forward. You, next. TANE: Scan detects power source located below prisoner's left elbow. Remove object from prisoner's left wrist. DOCTOR: You can't have that. That bracelet could have no possible use as a weapon. TANE: It remains with the other confiscated items. HARRY: Let's not make a fuss, Doctor. DOCTOR: The Time Ring is our only hope of getting back to the TARDIS. TANE: Two prisoners at checkpoint. Awaiting orders. DOCTOR: Recovering it has got to be our number one priority. Do you understand, Harry? It's vital. HARRY: Yes, I know it's vital, but we don't want them to know that, do we? TANE: The prisoners are to be given into the custody of Senior Researcher Ronson. Here, take this with you. TANE: Move! [SCENE_BREAK] SEVRIN: She's beautiful. No deformities, no imperfections. GERRILL: She is a norm. All norms are our enemies. Kill her now for what she's done to our kind. SEVRIN: No, why? Why must we always destroy beauty? Why kill another creature because it is not in our image? GERRILL: Kill her! It is the law. All norms must die. They are our enemies. And if you won't, I will. MUTO: There's something over there. SEVRIN: It's a patrol, very close. GERRILL: Let's get away from here. SEVRIN: No. No, they're too near. If you move, they'll see you. GERRILL: They're coming this way. I'm going. Come on. SEVRIN: No, I tell you they'll see you. THAL: Halt! Stay where you are. Stand where you are and don't move. THAL: Oh, it's only a muto. What a waste of good ammunition. There's a couple more of them. THAL: Hold it. If they're not too badly mutated, we might be able to use them. They still need expendable labour for the rocket loader. (re Sevrin) This one looks all right. Got all it needs to carry and walk. (re Sarah) There's no reason why this one shouldn't work. Why, it's almost a norm. Come on, get up. Up! Oh, kill it off, it's too slow. SEVRIN: No, it's all right. I'll help her. THAL: Then move, and move quietly. There are Kaled patrols out tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] RONSON: Sit down. DOCTOR: Thank you. You're not with the military, I assume? RONSON: I'm with the Science Division. DOCTOR: Oh, good, good. Then perhaps we can talk without interruption from rifle butts. RONSON: That depends. If you don't answer my questions, I shall hand you back to the military. They take a pride in loosening tongues. Now, where did you get these things? DOCTOR: Oh, here and there. RONSON: If I didn't know better, I should have to assume that these were made by some intelligence on another planet. DOCTOR: If you didn't know better. RONSON: It is an established scientific fact that in the seven galaxies only Skaro is capable of supporting intelligent life. DOCTOR: It is also an established scientific fact that there are more than seven galaxies. RONSON: Indeed. DOCTOR: Yes. RONSON: Well, when you passed through our security scan our instruments ran a complete check on your blood and chemical make up, encephalographic patterns and so on. Physiological compositions. And so, if you are from another planet DOCTOR: You were saying? RONSON: There's nothing. Nothing conforms to any known life on this planet apart from external appearances. DOCTOR: You can't always judge from external appearances. RONSON: Who are you? Where are you from? DOCTOR: It's a long story. RONSON: Then tell me. DOCTOR: Do you have any inkling of the theory of space dimension correlated to relative time? KALED (OOV.): Davros wishes all members of the Elite scientific corps to assemble in the main laboratory immediately. RONSON: Our session will have to wait. Davros is coming. DOCTOR: Your chief scientist. RONSON: He's our supreme commander. When he calls a full meeting like this, he obviously has something of the greatest importance to tell us. DOCTOR: Well, I shall be delighted to meet him. RONSON: Stand up and keep quiet. DAVROS: If I may have your attention. For some time I have been experimenting with the Mark Three project. Details of modifications will be distributed later. However, I am anxious that you should see immediately the remarkable results that I have achieved, and to that end I have arranged this demonstration. DOCTOR: (sotto) A Dalek. HARRY: (sotto) What? DOCTOR: (sotto) A Dalek. Very primitive but undeniably a Dalek. RONSON: (sotto) You're mistaken. It's a Mark Three travel machine. DOCTOR: (sotto) If you say so. DAVROS: Halt. Turn left. Move forward. RONSON: That's magnificent. He's perfected voice control. DAVROS: Turn right. Move forward and circle left. You will agree, I think, that voice control represents an enormous step forward, however the best is yet to come. Nyder. DAVROS: Our machine is now equipped with a weapon for self-defence. Now, I am going to turn the machine over to total self-control. It will be entirely independent of all outside influences. A living, thinking, self-supporting creature. DAVROS: Brilliant. Brilliant! It has detected the non-conformity. DALEK: Aliens. I must exterminate. Exterminate. RONSON: No! DAVROS: You dare to interfere! You have the audacity to interrupt one of my experiments? RONSON: But it would have destroyed him. DAVROS: So you think the saving of a worthless life more important than the progress we have made? My creature showed a natural desire, an instinct to destroy, and you interceded! You will be punished for this! RONSON: Davros, I'm sorry, but I believe that these prisoners, they could be extremely valuable. By all means, when I have my questions, let the machine do what it likes with them, but I do need to interrogate them further. DAVROS: You will be punished for insubordination. In the meantime, you may question the prisoners until first light. After that, they will be used to resume the experiment. This meeting is ended. DOCTOR: Thank you. I am obliged to you. RONSON: I was merely doing my duty. I believe that you have knowledge which could be of the greatest assistance to us. But if you don't cooperate, then it is certain that Davros will use you as an experiment with his machine in a few hours time. NYDER: The prisoners are to be taken to the cells. You can continue questioning them there. Davros orders it. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Where are we? SEVRIN: We're inside the Thal dome. We should be lucky to be alive. The Thals normally kill on sight. SARAH: Then why the change? Why bring us here? SEVRIN: Perhaps they need slave workers for some project. KALED: The muto is right. The work they're making us do kills with the same certainty as a bullet between the eyes. SARAH: What work? KALED: The Thals have built a rocket. They've used up all their manpower and resources. They're gambling that it's going to bring them victory in one blow. And if they can make the launch successfully, I don't see how they're going to fail. My race, the whole of the Kaled people, will be wiped out in seconds. SEVRIN: Perhaps we should be happy to welcome such a weapon if it ends a thousand years of war. KALED: You won't be when you find out what it is. SARAH: Well, what is it? KALED: The nose cone of the rocket is being packed with distronic explosive. We have to put it in position. SARAH: So? KALED: To reduce weight, they're using no protective shielding. Every load we carry exposes us to distronic toxaemia. After a few hours exposure, we'll all be dead. SARAH: We'd better think of something, hadn't we. SARAH: Well, now what's happening? KALED: The rest period's over. We start loading again. I've already done one load since I was captured. SARAH: All right, don't push. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: You all right? DOCTOR: Looks like I might be. HARRY: What happened? DOCTOR: They took down reams of notes, every bit of scientific gobbledygook I could think of. Technical jargon that even I didn't understand. HARRY: That'll keep their experts tied up for weeks. DOCTOR: Yes. And I learnt a great deal more from them than they did from me. HARRY: About this bunker? DOCTOR: Yes. HARRY: It is underground, isn't it. DOCTOR: Yes, and bomb proof. Impregnable from attack from the outside and about three or four miles from the Kaled dome. HARRY: What are they doing down here? DOCTOR: Years ago the Kaled government decided to form an Elite group. The best scientific brains in every field. HARRY: A sort of Think Tank. DOCTOR: Yes. But over the years the Elite has become more and more powerful, and now they can demand whatever they like. RONSON (OOV.): Open up. HARRY: Perhaps this is the tea? RONSON: There's no need to wait. I am armed. RONSON: I'm sorry if they hurt you. I lack the courage to interfere. DOCTOR: But you did save me from becoming the very first victim of a Dalek, thank you. RONSON: Yes, now you used that word earlier. It had never been heard before. And yet only an hour ago, Davros announced that henceforth his Mark Three travel machine would be referred to as a Dalek. Now how could you have known that? DOCTOR: Well, I have an advantage in terms of time. You see, we've come here at this time because of future concern about the development of the Dalek. I think you're concerned too, aren't you? DOCTOR: (sotto) I think he's going to bite. RONSON: Yes, I am concerned, and there are a few other who think the same as I. But we're powerless. DOCTOR: Then let us help you. RONSON: You see, we believe that Davros has changed the direction of our research into something which is immoral, evil. You see, the Elite was formed to produce weapons that would end this war. We soon saw that this was futile and changed the direction of our research into the survival of our race. But our chemical weapons had already started to produce genetic mutations. HARRY: And the mutations were banished out into the wastelands. RONSON: Yes. DOCTOR: The mutos. RONSON: Now Davros, he believed that there was no way to reverse this trend and so he started experiments to establish our final mutational form. He took living cells, treated them with chemicals and produced the ultimate creature. Come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] RONSON: Now this is what the Kaleds will become. RONSON: That is our future. DOCTOR: You've got troubles. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: We have to do something now. If we work another shift, we won't have the strength to take any kind of action. KALED: Action? What do you mean? SARAH: I mean we've got to get out of here. SEVRIN: It's not possible. SARAH: Why? The guard's not expecting trouble from a group of exhausted slave worker. KALED: So we get out into the rocket silo. Where then? The only other exit goes out through a command point, and that's going to be crawling with Thal troops. SARAH: There is another way. SEVRIN: Where? SARAH: Straight up. The scaffolding. It goes right up to the nose cone of the rocket. Now, if we could get up there, then there's a chance we could get out onto the surface of the dome. KALED: It wouldn't be too difficult getting down again. The angle of the dome is quite gentle. SEVRIN: That scaffolding! I mean, it's so high. SARAH: It's the only way. It's our only chance. KALED: I'd rather die taking a chance like that than rot away in here with distronic toxaemia. SARAH: Okay, I'll pass the word to the others. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Go on, Ronson. RONSON: Well, knowing our ultimate form, Davros had to devise a travel machine. The Dalek. DOCTOR: Now he's trying to change that into a weapon. RONSON: And he's succeeding. He's created a monster, utterly devoid of conscience. HARRY: And you want to stop him. RONSON: Well, I must. There are a few in the Kaled government who still have the power to act. If they knew the truth, they would end Davros' power, close down this bunker, finish the Elite. DOCTOR: Then go to them, Ronson, go to them. RONSON: But I'm not allowed in the city. Security here is absolute. DOCTOR: Then help us to escape. Give us the names of the men who have the power. HARRY: Could you get us out of here? RONSON: Well, there is a way through one of the secondary ducts in the ventilation system that leads to a cave at the edge of the wasteland. HARRY: Well? RONSON: The entrance is barred. And there's something else. Davros' early experiments were with animals. Some of the things that he created were horrific, and they're still alive. DOCTOR: And I have an uneasy feeling you're going to tell me they're in that cave. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Shush. Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] RONSON: These are the people you should try to contact. HARRY: Right-o. RONSON: Look, if anything at all should happen DOCTOR: Don't worry, don't worry. We won't let it fall into the wrong hands. RONSON: Quick! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Here's where it comes out into the cave. DOCTOR: Shush. What was that? HARRY: Probably one of Davros' pets. [SCENE_BREAK] KALED: That's the alarm. They'll be after us in a minute. Come on! SEVRIN: They're coming up after us. You must keep moving. You must. SARAH: I can't. I can't move. SEVRIN: Come on. You must.

Plan: A: the Kaled bunker; Q: Where are the Doctor and Harry taken? A: Daleks; Q: What is the name of the creatures that Davros is preparing to demonstrate? A: Sarah; Q: Who is captured by the Thals? A: a slave worker; Q: What is Sarah taken to the Thal city as? Summary: The Doctor and Harry are taken to the Kaled bunker where Davros is preparing to demonstrate the Daleks, while Sarah is captured by the Thals and taken to their city as a slave worker.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. It's empty. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Paige? Come on, Paige, I know you're here, you summoned me. (He hears a noise.) Paige? Paige? (An invisible Paige creeps up behind him and jumps into his body. He squirms around in pain and explodes into millions of white lights. Paige becomes visible.) Paige: Ha! That is a vanquish! (Leo orbs in, not impressed.) Leo: Damn it, Paige. I would appreciate it if you didn't practice on me. I may be dead but it still hurts! Paige: I am sorry, Leo, but I think I came up with a perfect way to vanquish Cole. I kept thinking... what is it that makes him so indestructible? And then I thought, it's his protection shield. So I came up with a potion that makes me invisible long enough so I can get past it, say a spell and blow him up from the inside. Leo: Firstly, congratulations, cool potion. Paige: Thank you. Leo: Secondly, it will never work. Okay, even if it does, it's not something you should be going at alone. Whatever the ultimate solution is it lies within the Power of Three. Paige: Yeah, well, we have tried that. Besides, I'm a witch too and I don't see why I can't try to operate on my own every once in a while. Leo: You can and you have but Cole is different and you know it. Paige: No, I don't know that, Leo. Now, I have worked really hard on this by myself for days, I know I can do this. And I wanna do it. For Phoebe. (She storms out of the attic.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. The elevator doors open and Cole walks out. He puts his wallet and keys on a side table. He picks up a photo of him and Phoebe and sighs. He looks into the mirror.] Cole: Happy Birthday. (He walks into the living room, still carrying the photo. Paige, invisible, creeps in from the balcony. He puts the photo down and Paige jumps into his body. He squirms around and then explodes. Paige becomes visible.) Paige: I did it. (She hears a noise.) Oops. (Cole's blown up particles start to form together and knocks Paige over the balcony. Cole fully forms together and is angry. Paige flies out of the city and falls into a river. She pokes her head out of the water and sneezes.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Eve are there. Piper is sitting balanced on a large rubber ball, taking deep breaths in and out.] Phoebe: And breathe, two, three, four. And relax, two, three, four. And breathe, two, three... (Piper loses her balance and falls off the ball.) Leo: Are you alright? Piper: No, I am not alright. (Leo helps her up.) Phoebe: Okay, come on, back on the ball. Piper: You get back on the ball, I quit. Eve: It's hard at first, I know, Piper, but the birthing ball really can make the delivery much easier, especially for home births. Piper: Hospital, people. How many times do I have to tell you crazy people? Hospital, I'm going to the hospital. Phoebe: What about water birth? Can we do that at home? Eve: Sure, we can rent a tub. Piper: What am I, a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish. Leo: Well, actually, dolphins aren't fish, they're mammals. Piper: Shut up! (Paige walks in.) Paige: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late, I over slept. Hi, Eve. Eve: That's okay, we're just getting started. Leo: Late night? Paige: As a matter of fact, yes. (Eve pulls a white plastic tube out of her bag. Piper's eyes widen.) Piper: What the hell is that? Eve: Uh, nipple enhancer. For breast feeding. (Phoebe chuckles. Eve turns back to her bag and scrounges around for something. Paige sneezes and orbs out and back in.) Phoebe: Gesundheit. Paige: Thanks, I've been sneezing my head off all morning. Leo: Not to mention the rest of you. Eve: A little ginger root and raspberry leaf will take care of that. Old gypsy remedy. Piper: I think we got some of that in the kitchen. Why don't you go see if we got some of that in the kitchen? Eve: Sure. Be right back. (Eve leaves the room.) Paige: What? Piper: Hi. (They walk into the living room.) Paige: What? Piper: Do you not realise that you just sneezed and orbed at the same time? Phoebe: Ooh, it's a good thing Eve didn't see that. Paige: Well, we saved her gypsy clan. I think she'd be fine with it. Phoebe: Yeah, well, it's one thing to know and it's another thing to actually see it. Leo: I'm more interested in why it happened. What caused it? I think you should tell them. Paige: Fine. I tried to vanquish Cole last night. Piper: What? Paige: I know, don't do the big sister guilt thing, okay. I knew what I was doing and it almost worked until I got all wet. Leo: I tried to talk her out of it. Phoebe: Paige, you could've been killed. Paige: So what else is knew? I just wanted to give you a little peace. Phoebe: That's very sweet, but I don't need Cole to be vanquished to find peace. I'm okay, really, I am free of him emotionally. Piper: And besides, I thought we agreed to take a vanquishing hiatus during my last trimester. Paige: Well, that's why I didn't want to bother you. Piper: Well, you should've because this is not something you can do by yourself. Paige: Obviously I disagreed. (She storms out.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole and one of the Avatars are there.] Cole: My problems are none of your concern. All that should matter to you is that I'm willing to join your kind, become an Avatar. Avatar: I understand, and we're pleased to hear it. Still, I can not but wonder why now? After all this time? Cole: You have unlimited powers, don't you? Avatar: We have the power to elevate powers such as yours, to raise them above the restraints of good and evil. Cole: Which makes them unlimited, yes? Avatar: Yes. Cole: Then that's why for now. Which means I assume, that I can use these powers to manipulate, say, time? Reality even? Avatar: Understand, Cole, these powers are not meant to be used for personal vendettas. They're meant to be used with others like us. To shape a future we control. Cole: Oh, I understand very well indeed. And believe me, I'm all for it. But I need to take care of something first and to do that I need unlimited powers. Avatar: I'm afraid that can't be allowed. Cole: Then I'm afraid I can't join you. Who are you kidding? You need me. Otherwise you would've come to me in the first place. Just one favour, that's all I ask. Then I'm yours. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Michelle Branch sings "Goodbye To You" on the stage. She finishes and everyone cheers.] DJ: Michelle Branch, everyone! (Piper, Phoebe, Darryl and his wife are sitting around a table. Leo walks up carrying glasses and champagne.) Phoebe: Hi. Leo: Glasses. Phoebe: Okay. (Leo hands Phoebe the glasses and she hands them around.) Here you go. (Leo sits down.) Piper: A toast to Lieutenant Morris. Congratulations. (They hold up their glasses.) Darryl: Wait, shouldn't we wait for Paige? Phoebe: Um, I don't think she's gonna make it because she has a really bad cold. Cheers! (They all clink their glasses together.) Piper: Long overdue. (Paige walks down the stairs and Phoebe notices.) Phoebe: Uh, we'll be right back. Piper: We will? (Piper sees Paige.) We will. Phoebe: Uh, Leo, keep pouring. (Piper and Phoebe get up and go over to Paige.) Darryl: Don't mind them, they do that a lot. [Cut to Piper, Phoebe and Paige.] Paige: Hi guys. Phoebe: Are you out of your mind? What are you doing here? Paige: Um, going to Darryl's party? Piper: The sneezing, Paige, the sneezing. Paige: Oh, that, no, Eve's little miracle cure worked great. I haven't sneezed all day. Is that Darryl's wife? She's cute. (She takes a step forward but Piper and Phoebe stop her.) Piper: Wait, wait, wait, wait. First we chat. Phoebe: Come on. (Piper and Paige walk over to a table and sit down.) Paige: I told you, everything's fine. Piper: No, it's not about that. Phoebe: It's about this morning when you left. You seemed really upset. Paige: Oh, that? No, I was just having a girlie mood, you know. Piper: No, I think we all know it's a little bit more than that. Something's been bugging you so why don't you just talk to us. Paige: Okay. You really wanna know? I've just been feeling a little suppressed lately. It's not your problem, it's my problem. And I know you guys are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I do. Piper: But? There's a but. Paige: I just feel like, you know, having been an only child for twenty-five years, I'm used to doing everything on my own. And it seems like lately I've had to do everything by committee and it just... Phoebe: You feel like you've lost yourself along the way? Paige: Yeah. Piper: Okay, so what can we do? Paige: It's not you, it's me. I just think maybe I need to start looking for my own place to live. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole and the Avatar are there. Cole is kneeling down in front of the Avatar, a white light shining out of the Avatar's hands and into Cole's forehead. The Avatar is chanting. He finishes and lowers his hands, stopping the light.] Avatar: Well, how do you feel? Cole: I feel alive. Powerful. (He stands up.) Avatar: You are on of us now. Come. Cole: Uh-uh-uh. Not so fast. First I get my wife back once and for all. Avatar: That's what you wanted? Your new powers can't affect love. Cole: Maybe not. But I'm hoping it'll change the one event that lead to our downfall. The day that Phoebe met her new sister. The day the Charmed Ones were reconstituted. Avatar: Go back in time? Cole: No, better. Undo what was to change what is. We were at our best, Phoebe and I, before Paige. If they hadn't have found each other, we'd be married instead. Avatar: You have no idea what you're getting into. Changing the past to create an alternate reality has unforseen consequences, Cole. Even for you. The ripple effect of even one small change could... Cole: I don't care! I am not spending another hundred birthdays without her. (The Avatar disappears. Cole starts to chant.) [Cut to P3. Paige feels a sneeze coming on and holds her nose.] Piper: Oh, no, you don't. No sneezing. Phoebe: Back hall, back hall, back hall. (They get up and head for the office.) Piper: Look out, people. Pregnant lady coming through. [Cut to the office. Piper and Paige walk in and close the door. Paige sneezes and orbs out.] [Cut to Cole's apartment. Cole finishes the chant and the room spins around.] [Cut to P3. Office. It's empty and dark. Paige orbs back in.] Paige: Oh, major sneeze. Hey, who turned out the lights? And the heat? (She puts on her coat.) Piper... (She turns to find Piper gone.) Piper? (She goes to the door and turns the knob. The door falls off its hinges and crashes to the floor. She looks out to an abandoned room where P3 once was. There is rubbish all over the floor and overturned furniture. She walks through the filthy room and shivers. She spots the P3 sign, broken and lying on the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Continued from before. Paige continues to walk around the room, stepping over rubbish.] Paige: Leo! Leo! (A pile of rubbish rustles and a bum climbs out from under it. Paige jumps.) Oh, god, you scared me. Bum: Who are you? Wh-what are you doing here? Paige: I could ask you the same thing. (He pulls out a knife and points it at Paige.) Hey, it's o-okay. Bum: This is my crib! Paige: Your crib? This is my sisters' club. Knife! Knife! (Nothing happens.) What the hell is wrong with my powers? (The bum attacks her and she flips him onto the ground. Frightened, he gets up and runs out of the club.) Leo! (Leo orbs in and looks around.) Damn it, where the hell have you been? Leo: Who are you? Paige: Are you kidding? You're not kidding. It's me, Paige, your sister in-law. Leo: Look, I don't know who you are, lady, and I don't have time for games. All hell is breaking loose out there, so if you don't mind... Paige: Have you lost your mind? Do you notice anything different? Leo: No, not really. So if you'll excuse me. (He starts to orb out.) Paige: Wait. (He orbs back in.) Uh, I'm your charge too. How else could you have heard my call? (He realises she's right.) Thank you. I just don't understand how all this could've happened. Leo: How what could've happened? Paige: This! Piper's club. It's totalled. Doesn't that strike you as the least bit odd? Leo: You know Piper? Paige: Of course. Leo, the club. Leo: What about it? It's been like this for over a year. Ever since Piper walked away from it, right after Prue died. Paige: That is not true. The club is kicking ass. Michelle Branch was just playing here and I sneezed and then I or... orbed out. Maybe if I sneeze again. (She sneezes.) Did I orb? Leo: How do you know about orbing? And Piper? Paige: Just take me to her. She'll figure all this out, she always does. Please. What have you got to lose? (She takes his hand and they orb out.) [Cut to a place outside where there are overturned cars, tires, and barrels with fires inside. A dead body lays on the ground. Up on a hill, Leo and Paige orb in behind a large mound of dirt.] Paige: What are we doing here? Leo: Shh, Piper's hunting. (A Lazarus Demon smokes in beside the body. He kneels down and smells the body.) Piper: Hey! (Piper stands up on a large crate near by. She is wearing black, tight leather clothes, and is not pregnant. She freezes the Lazarus Demon and jumps down onto the ground.) Feeding time, huh? (She unfreezes just his head.) Knew you'd take the bait. Lazarus Demon: What'd you do to me? Unfreeze me, witch. Piper: Sure, no problem. Just as soon as you tell me where I can find Shax. [Behind the mound of dirt.] Paige: Shax? What's she talking about? We vanquished him already. Leo: Nobody's vanquished Shax. Ever since he killed Prue, Piper's been obsessed with getting revenge on him. [Down below.] Lazarus Demon: Go to hell. Piper: I'm already there. (Piper blows up the Lazarus Demon and turns him into a pile of dust. She turns to leave. Paige runs down the hill. Leo follows.) Paige: Wait! (Piper turns around and gets ready to blow her up.) Leo: Piper, don't! Paige: Oh my god, you're not pregnant anymore. Piper: Who are you? Leo, what are you doing here? Paige: It's me, your sister, Paige. Piper: Look, if this is some lame attempt from the Elders to try and lure me back, you can forget it. Tell them to shove it because I have no loyalties to them anymore, and I don't have any to you. Paige: Hey! That's no way to speak to your husband. Leo: We're divorced. Have been for a while. Paige: Okay, what bizarre world have I sneezed my way into? You two are married and you're expecting, a magical child no less. And you, you're not La Femme Nikita. You're a Charmed One. You don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise, you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies or knitting booties. Piper: Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all. Paige: Oh, yeah? Well, how come I know you didn't really vanquish the Lazarus demon? Piper: What are you talking about? Paige: As a breed, they resurrect. The only way to keep their remains down is to bury them in a cemetery. (Piper starts to walk off.) Please, stay. (The pile of dust on the ground resurrects into the Lazarus Demon.) Leo: Piper! (The Lazarus Demon picks up a long pipe and throws it at Piper. She ducks and blows him up.) How did you know that was gonna happen? Paige: Because we've fought him before in the real world. Piper: What do you mean we? Paige: We. Me, you, Phoebe. Your sisters. Oh, god, this is getting me no where. Just orb me to Phoebe. Leo: I can't go to the manor anymore, it's forbidden. Paige: What? Fine, I'll do it myself. But when I fix this, you owe me. (She storms off.) [Scene: Outside the manor. Cole is there leaning against a car. He looks at the changed manor. An iron fence now surrounds it and a demon guard stands on the porch. The Avatar appears behind him.] Avatar: What are you waiting for? Cole: What are you doing here? I thought I was the only one to cross over. Avatar: That won't be your last miscalculation I'm afraid. Avatars exist outside of time and space. That's why I'm immune to you spell. A spell which I beg you to reverse before it's too late. Cole: Too late for what? Avatar: For you to die. You're not invincible in this reality, Cole. By changing that one critical event, you've changed even more than you see before you. You've changed you. Cole: What are you talking about? I don't feel any different. Avatar: But you are different. You've assumed the identity of the Cole in this reality. The one who used to be known as Belthazor, the Source's right hand man. A powerful demon to be sure, but hardly indestructible. Cole: Belthazor, huh? I told you, that's when Phoebe and I were at our best. Avatar: Cole, please, believe me. You have no future here. But I promise, you'll have a future with us, if you'll only undo what you've done. Cole: I can't. I have to play this out first. (He heads for the manor. The Avatar disappears.) [Cut inside the manor. Foyer. Cole walks in. He walks past a demon guard and checks out a large marble statue.] Cole: Hm. (He looks in the living room and sees a pool table sitting in the middle of the room.) Oh. (He walks in and walks around the room, impressed with what he sees. He opens double doors to another room and the room is full of people.) Everyone: Surprise! Happy Birthday! (More people appear in the living room behind him.) Surprise! (Cole grins and walks into the crowd. They pat him on the back. Someone brings in a green and red three layered birthday cake, with Happy 100th Birthday written in icing.) Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech. Cole: I really don't know what to say. Um... I'm surprised, very surprised. My compliments. It's a great cake. Cake Decorator: Thank you, my liege. Although, I must admit, I thought you were actually one hundred and seventeen. (The Cake Decorator chuckles but the crowd groans. Suddenly, he bursts into flames and is vanquished. The Seer walks into the room.) Seer: I know how sensitive you are about your age. Happy birthday. Cole: Seer, you're alive. (The Seer laughs and so does the crowd.) So, uh, where's Phoebe? (No answer.) Answer me. (Phoebe walks down the stairs wearing a red dress and a huge diamond necklace. Everyone turns to look. Cole walks over to her.) Phoebe: What's the matter? Not what you expected? Cole: No, you look, you look, great, really. Phoebe: Did you just give me a compliment? Cole: You have no idea how happy I am to see you. (He leans in to kiss her on the lips but she turns her head and he kisses her cheek instead. She pushes him away.) Phoebe: What the hell is the matter with you? (She walks over to a handsome man and he kisses her hand. The Seer walks up to Cole.) Seer: Don't worry about her. My visions have not changed. Once she conceives your magical heir, you won't need to keep up pretences anymore. I'll take it from there. (Paige walks through the crowd looking for Phoebe. She spots Cole with the Seer. She then sees Phoebe walk into the kitchen and follows.) [Cut to the kitchen. A chef and a waitress are there. Phoebe barges in.] Phoebe: Leave me. (The chef and waitress immediately leave. Phoebe goes over and pulls a cigarette and lighter out of a drawer. She lights it and takes a puff. Paige walks in.) Paige: Phoebe. (Phoebe quickly puts out the cigarette and coughs. She turns to Paige.) You don't recognise me. That's okay, Piper didn't either. Phoebe: Piper? You know Piper? How is she? Paige: She's, uh, different. Look, I don't have a lot of time so I'm just gonna drop this on you. I am your long lost sister Paige. I know, it sounds crazy but it's true. We're all sisters in the real world. Phoebe: Guards! Paige: Look, I don't know how he did it, but Cole somehow switched realities in his twisted attempt to get you back. I somehow slipped through the cracks and landed here, I don't know how either. But I need your help in order to turn things back to the way they're supposed to be. (Darryl walks in.) Darryl: You called? Paige: Darryl, hi. Phoebe: Get rid of her. (Darryl walks over to Paige and grabs her arm.) Paige: No, what are you doing? Phoebe: What bodyguards do. (Paige grabs a frying pan and hits Darryl over the head, knocking him out. Phoebe picks up a knife and points it at Paige.) Paige: Phoebe, I know you better than you know yourself right now, in your heart of hearts, you know you are not meant to be with Cole. In this other life you are free of him and you're happy. (Darryl wakes up and grabs his gun. Paige hears him and runs outside as Darryl fires. Darryl follows.) [Cut to outside. Paige runs down the driveway with Darryl following.] Paige: Leo! Leo! (Paige trips and rolls down the driveway. Darryl points his gun.) Leo! (Leo orbs in. Darryl recognises Leo. Leo orbs out with Paige and Darryl shoots.) [Cut to a cemetery. Leo orbs in with Paige.] Paige: Thanks, that was cutting it a little close, don't you think? Leo: You're lucky I came at all. Paige: I'm lucky? You're lucky. Without me, we're all screwed. I'm the only one who can fix this thing. Leo: Oh, yeah? Paige: Oh, god, it's just so weird. Cole living at the manor, all those demons we vanquished wandering around alive. Wait a second, if the demons are alive then that means all the innocents we saved are... dead. Leo: Not just the innocents, Paige. Paige: What are you talking about? (She looks around.) What are we doing here? (Leo turns to a grave marker. Paige looks down. It reads PAIGE MATTHEWS - BORN 1975 DIED 2001.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cemetery. Paige and Leo are there. Continued from before.] Leo: After you left, I went and checked with the Elders. They confirmed your story that there was in fact another sister. Only they didn't know until it was too late, until after the Source had already had you killed. Paige: This really sucks. Leo: Well, it explains why none of us knew you. We never got a chance to meet you. Paige: So, what, you believe me now? Leo: I'm not sure what I believe. The fact is you're here and you're not supposed to be. Paige: Okay, so we've established the fact that I am here, how come I don't have my powers? Leo: Because you're not living your life anymore. You're living hers. You must have taken over our Paige's life in this reality, or at least, the life she would have lived had she not been killed. Since she never met her sisters... Paige: The Power of Three never got back together and I never got my powers. Lucky me. Leo: Luckier than you think maybe. If you hadn't sneezed when you did and orbed into the neutral plane, nobody would've ever known. Paige: Cole would've. He's the one behind this. He altered reality to eliminate me and get Phoebe back. But it's not working. She hates him as much in this reality as she does in ours. The problem is she's trapped here. Leo: Your reality sounds a lot better than this one. Not just for Phoebe. So, uh, how can I help you get it back? Paige: I need my sisters. Piper: Well, maybe we can start with two and go from there. (Paige turns to see Piper approaching them.) Paige: What are you doing here? Piper: Burying the Lazarus Demon. I figured if you were right about that, you were probably right about everything else as well. (Paige smiles.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Cole is there playing pool by himself. Darryl and The Seer are watching near by.] Darryl: Whoever she was, she had to be a witch, otherwise she couldn't have called for a Whitelighter in the first place. Seer: (to Cole) Your wife consorting with other witches again? I don't like it. Cole: Hmm. Darryl: And it wasn't just any Whitelighter, either. It was Leo. Seer: Leo? Did he make contact with Phoebe? Darryl: No. Just the other one. Although, I don't know why the witch was here to begin with. Seer: (to Cole) I think you need to have a conversation with your wife. Cole: Let me get this straight. You work for me now, is that right? Seer: Excuse us. (Darryl leaves the room. The Seer walks over to Cole.) What's the matter? Not feeling well? Cole: Why? Seer: You seem a little off today, that's all. You wanted to kill the cop but your wife cast a spell. She wanted to make him useful, save him. Remember? Cole: I do now. Seer: Forgive me, my liege, but your enemies are many and they are everywhere. Any perceived weakness on your part could leave you vulnerable. (Cole sees Phoebe and a demon, arms around each other. She laughs and leads him upstairs. Cole is not happy. He drops the pool cue on the table and heads for the stairs.) What are you doing? Cole: I'm gonna kill that b*st*rd. Seer: No! What's the matter with you? You both have your affairs. That's no secret. Cole: What? Seer: Darla. (A pretty blonde woman turns around and walks over to Cole.) Cole: Who's this? Darla: Who I always am, baby. (She whispers in his ear.) Whoever you want me to be. Cole: I want Phoebe, understand me? (Cole pushes Darla away.) It's the only damn reason I went through all of this. Seer: Went through all what? (Cole goes upstairs.) Darla: I think we should report this. [Scene: P3. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.] Piper: So you say the club is still pretty successful in this alleged other reality of yours? Paige: Not alleged, it's real, and it's really good. Piper: Oh, yeah? Am I a millionaire? Paige: No, not that good. Listen, if we wanna get this place back to how it used to be, we really oughta... Piper: How is it that we don't know about you? That we had another sister? Leo: Half-sister, apparently. Paige: Right. Cliff notes version. Our mum had an affair with her Whitelighter Sam, but because the whole witch-Whitelighter rule thing, they had to give me up at birth. But when the Elders realised they needed me to remake the Charmed Ones, they tossed out that stupid rule. Which as far as I'm concerned, paved the way for you and Leo to be able to keep your baby. Piper: Well, how pregnant am I exactly? Paige: Phoebe and I are practicing to be your midwives as we speak. We're preparing for the big home birth. Piper: Home birth? You're nuts. I'd never agree to that. I wouldn't give birth unless it was in... Paige: A hospital. Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in any reality. Hey, who else but a sister would know that? Piper: We must be pretty close then, the three of us? (Paige nods.) Like Phoebe and I were with Prue. Paige: Yeah, close enough to have avenged Prue's death together. Piper: This Cole of yours must have cast a pretty powerful spell to do all of this. But if we vanquish him, the spell should automatically reverse itself. Paige: Right, except for we already tried to vanquish him, he's become invincible in our world. Leo: Yes, but we're not in your world, you're in ours, so is he. So if you've assumed our Paige's life, he must've assumed Belthazor's. Paige: Yeah, he would've. Piper: Did you guys try to vanquish Belthazor ever? Paige: No, but you and Prue almost tried. You guys had a vanquishing potion, right? Piper: How do you know that? Paige: Book of Shadows. Also says that it needs a piece of his flesh to make it work. Leo: That's right, it did. Piper: Alright then. (Piper pulls out a knife.) Let's go hunting. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe and the demon are on the bed kissing. Cole barges in and they jump up, startled.] Demon: Sorry, my liege. But I thought... I didn't think... (Cole throws an energy ball at the demon and vanquishes him.) Phoebe: Are you kidding me? What did you do that for? Cole: What'd I do what for? You're in here screwing some guy, I'm supposed to ignore it? You're my wife, damn it! (Phoebe pulls her dress back on.) Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me. After all this time, now you're playing the aggrieved husband? Ha. (Cole is furious. He knocks some things off the dresser onto the floor.) Cole: You don't understand! It's all wrong. This is not the way it's meant to be here. (Cole walks towards Phoebe. She moves backward.) Phoebe: Hey, it's okay, relax. Cole: This is all messed up. How'd it get messed up? You have no idea what I've given up for you. Phoebe: What about what I've given up, Cole? I've given up my family, my heritage, my life! Cole: Oh, yeah? From where I'm standing it looks like you have a pretty damn good life to me. Phoebe: Look, the only one getting anything out of this is you. And I have no idea what that is. The only reason I'm still here is to make sure that what happened to Prue does not happen to Piper, and you know it. Cole: What happened to us, Phoebe? How'd we get here? We used to be so in love. Even without your sisters, it's not working. Why? Phoebe: I don't know. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. (Phoebe leaves the room. Cole follows.) Cole: Phoebe, wait. (Piper turns the corner and stands in front of Cole.) What are you doing here? Piper: Saving my sister. (She uses her power and send him flying backward with a blast. He falls to the floor.) Now! (Leo orbs in with Paige. Paige is holding the knife.) Cole: You. Paige: Surprise. (She quickly goes to Cole and slices a piece of flesh of his hand. He yells in pain. Paige moves back to Piper and Cole. Phoebe runs down the hallway.) Phoebe: Piper. (Cole gets up and an energy ball forms in his hand.) No! (She grabs Cole's arm and the energy ball disappears.) Piper: Get us outta here. (Leo orbs out with Piper and Paige. Cole swings his arm and hits Phoebe, sending her to the floor. Two guards run in.) Cole: Go! Go get her sisters, they just attacked me! Guard: Sisters? You mean there's another? Cole: Yes, damn it! Get them and kill 'em on site. (The guards shimmer out.) Phoebe: Paige was telling the truth? Cole: I didn't go through all this to lose you, Phoebe. If I'm going down, you're going down with me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper and Paige are there. They have gathered some things for the potion.] Paige: Toadflax, toadflax. Did Leo get the toadflax? (Piper hands her some toadflax.) Thank you. And we need a dash of cardamom, a pinch of carrot seeds... Hey, where's the mandrake root already? Piper: I'm impressed, you really know this stuff. Paige: Of course I do, I learn from the best. I learn from you. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Mandrake root. Paige: Alright, toss it in. (Leo puts the mandrake root in the pot.) Alright, now all we need... stand back. (Piper and Leo take a step backward. Paige throws in the flesh and the potion explodes.) Piper: Good memory. Leo: Is that it? Is it ready? Paige: Ready as it'll ever be. Can't guarantee it'll work though. Piper: Well, we're only gonna get once chance at it. Cole has to know why we needed his flesh. He'll be waiting. Leo: What about Phoebe? Piper: We get her out first so that he can't hurt her. (Paige bottles the potion.) Ready, sis? [Cut to the manor. Dining room. Piper, Paige and Leo pop their heads around the corner from the kitchen.] Paige: Anything? Piper: No. Paige: Okay, come on. (They walk into the hall. Phoebe rushes down the stairs.) Phoebe: What are you guys doing here? You have to leave now. Piper: Where's Cole? (Cole walks into the empty parlor.) Cole: Right here. (He throws an energy ball across the room, hitting Piper, Paige and Leo. It knocks them to the floor.) Phoebe: No! (Phoebe runs to their side. Cole flicks his fingers and the potion flies across the room and into his hand.) What did you do to them? Cole: Exactly what they were gonna do to me. (Paige reaches over to touch Piper's hand.) Paige: She's still alive, grab her hand. Phoebe: What? Cole: I don't know how you got here, Paige. But if it's any consolation, I know exactly where I'm gonna bury you. Right next to yourself. Paige: Grab her hand. (Phoebe touches Piper's hand and a light shines down on them. Cole throws an energy ball at them and it rebounds off the light. The light vanishes and Phoebe and Paige stand up.) Phoebe: The Power of Three. Paige: That's us. Potion! (The potion orbs into Paige's hand.) I do hate long goodbyes. (She goes to throw the potion but Phoebe stops her.) Phoebe: No! (She takes the potion off of Paige.) Phoebe: Phoebe, are you crazy? Throw it before he shimmers out. Cole: She's not gonna throw it. Are you? Paige: Throw the potion. Cole: We've been through so much together, haven't we? Our love's so strong, nothing can destroy it, not even this. We're meant to be together. Phoebe: I don't think so. (Phoebe throws the potion at Cole and he explodes and is vanquished. Suddenly, the room starts spinning around.) [Cut to the manor. The room stops spinning and Paige appears. She looks around.] Paige: Oh, please, god, tell me I'm back. (Pregnant Piper walks in wearing her pyjamas and holding a tub of ice-cream.) Piper: Oh, there you are. Where'd you orb to? Paige: Piper. Are you pregnant? Piper: Yeah. Where you been? Paige: Oh! (Paige gives Piper a hug.) Piper: Where have you been? What happened to your clothes? Paige: Time must have continued moving on in this reality too. Piper: I beg your pardon? Paige: I'm back! (Phoebe walks in through the front door.) Phoebe: Hey, what's going on? Piper: She's very happy. Paige: Phoebe! (Paige gives Phoebe a big hug.) Phoebe: Hi. Oh, oh, okay. What's the celebration? Paige: I'm just so happy to be home, that's all. Piper: You wanted to move out. Paige: I did? God, no, never. Well, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters, we shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right? Piper: She's rambling. Phoebe: I hear that. (Paige sneezes and orbs out and back in.) Paige: I'm still here, right? Piper: Mm-hm. Paige: I didn't go anywhere? Phoebe: Nope. (Paige breathes a sigh of relief.) Paige... What did you do? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cole's apartment. The place is dark and empty. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in.] Phoebe: Cole? Paige: I'm telling you, he's gone for good. Phoebe: Yeah, that's what we thought last time. Piper: And the time before that. Paige: This time is different. He straddled two worlds just like I did, but he wasn't invincible there. Cole's not coming back, ever. Piper: It just seems far too easy. I don't know how I feel about that. Paige: I think you should feel good about it, you know? We don't have to look over our shoulders anymore. It's over. (Phoebe picks up a photo of her and Cole.) Phoebe: I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Piper: Let's go. (They head for the door. Phoebe places the photo on a side table and looks back into the apartment. She smiles slightly and walks into the elevator.) Paige: Happy birthday, Cole. (She follows her sisters into the elevator.)

Plan: A: his twisted attempt; Q: What was Cole's attempt to win Phoebe back called? A: Phoebe; Q: Who throws the potion that kills Cole? A: a spell; Q: What does Cole cast? A: reality; Q: What does Cole alter? A: a Halliwell; Q: What is Paige's last name? A: the Power of Three; Q: What does Cole destroy? A: her sisters; Q: Who has no knowledge of Paige's existence? A: past villains; Q: What is still alive? A: her powers; Q: What does Paige regain? A: the vanquishing potion; Q: What potion does Paige retrieve? A: the vulnerable Cole; Q: Who does Paige try to kill? A: Cole's death; Q: What event reverts the world to normal? Summary: In his twisted attempt to win Phoebe back, Cole casts a spell that alters reality, which eliminates Paige as a Halliwell and destroys the Power of Three. Meanwhile, Paige suddenly finds that her sisters have no knowledge of her existence and that past villains are still alive, meaning all the innocents they saved are dead. Paige recreates the Power of Three and regains her powers. Using them, she retrieves the vanquishing potion she made to kill the vulnerable Cole and prepares to finally kill him, but is stopped by Phoebe. Cole does not try to escape, thinking Phoebe loves him too much to kill him, but Phoebe throws the potion herself, finally killing Cole. Cole's death reverts the world to normal and only Paige remembers what happened.

Clarke (V.O.): I was born in space. I've never felt the sun on my face or breathed real air or floated in the water. None of us have. For three generations, the Ark has kept what's left of the human race alive, but now our home is dying, and we are the last hope of mankind. Each of us is here because we broke the law. On the ground, there is no law. All we have to do is survive, but we will be tested. By the Earth, by the secrets it holds, and most of all by each other. [PREVIOUSLY_ON] Raven: Ark Station, please come in. We need you. Jaha: Are you saying there are survivors on the ground? Clarke: Yes. The Earth is survivable. Finn: The Grounder saved Octavia's life, and Bellamy brought him back here and tortured him. Lincoln: My name is Lincoln. Bellamy: Let's go. With the Grounder escaping, we should expect retaliation. Jaha: We are going to the ground, but not all of us are. There are two thousand, two hundred and thirty seven people on this Ark, and there are only enough dropships to carry seven hundred. [SCENE_BREAK] Jaha: My friends, this is a historic Unity Day. Every year, we mark the moment our ancestors of the twelve stations joined to form the Ark, but this is the last time we do so while aboard her. Next year, on the ground. Miller: Right. After we did all the work. Delinquent: Someone shut him up. Raven: You shut up, Miller. No one's forcing you to watch. Jaha: For ninety-seven years, we have eked out an existence, hoping that someday our descendants would return to Earth. Clarke: Don't tell me you don't like Unity Day. Finn: Unity Day is a lie. The Ark only came together after the thirteenth station was blown out of the sky. Just not the version of history we like to tell each other at parties. Clarke: The Unity Day story gives people hope, though, and peace came out of that violence. Finn: Yeah, but did there need to be violence at all? Jasper: Whoo! Yeah! Monty strikes again! Hey! Call this batch Unity Juice! Who's thirsty? Monty! There you go. Monty: Hey. Save me some. Jasper: Happy Unity Day. Pass it around. Jaha: To our sons and daughters on Earth listening to this message, we will see you soon. The first Exodus ship will launch in under sixty hours, carrying you the reinforcements that you need, so stay strong. Help is on the way. [SCENE_BREAK] Diana : Hello, Abby. Abby: Diana. Jaha: We have seen the true soul of our people. Diana: I hope there are no hard feelings about me taking the Council seat. Abby: No hard feelings about anything at all today. Diana: That's right. You'll be able to see your daughter soon. Jaha: But enough from me. You are all here for the pageant anyway, right? Diana: He's cutting his remarks short. Abby: What's that? Diana: Oh, nothing. I helped him with his speech. He's leaving the best part out. Jaha: Without further ado, I present the story of us. Vera: They tell me you'll be on the first Exodus ship. Kane: Yes. I'm overseeing security on the ground. Vera: Will you take the tree down for me? Kane: Mom, I have a job to do. Vera: Well, at least come to the departure ceremony. You could give the traveller's blessing. Think of it as a good-bye gift for your mother. Kane: I don't remember it. Excuse me. ( Fanfare ) Girl: Long ago when the Earth was on fire, through space all alone. Then one day, Mir floated by Shenzhen, and they realized life would be better together. The other stations saw this, and they wanted to be together, too. When all the stations were formed, they called themselves- ( Bomb goes off ) ( People screaming ) ( High-pitched alarm ) ( Muffled voices ) Girl: Daddy? Abby: I'll go and find your daddy. Jaha, are you okay? ( Screaming ) Abby: Get him to medical now! Kane! Find out who did this. Kane: Mom, mom, mom. ( sobs ) Abby: We need triage supplies now! Guard: Doctor Griffin, we need your help over here. Kane: In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again. ( Vera dies ) Jaha: ( finding Kane next to his dead mother ) Marcus. I'm so sorry. We need to get you out of here. Guard: Sir. This was a coup. Councilors Cole, Kaplan, Muir, and Fuji are dead. If you hadn't cut your speech short- Jaha: Where's Councilor Sydney? Guard: She left before the blast. I'll find her. Jaha: You do that, and double the guard at the dropship. I'm putting the Ark on lockdown! ( Broken electrical wire sparks, causing people to scream ) Jaha: We are not missing that launch window! [SCENE_BREAK] Guard : They suspect it was you. Diana: The way I see it, we got two choices. Stay and fight, in which case maybe we win if we can get enough workers to join us. Guard: And if we don't, what's the second choice? Diana: Take the Exodus ship now. Guard: It's not ready. Diana: Can our engineers get it ready? Guard: To charge the batteries on a ship that size without causing a disruption to The Ark takes time. Diana: Then cause disruptions. Guard: It'll get cold. With the lockdown, even if they find a way to isolate the lesser populated stations, people will die. Diana: So there's casualties either way. Take the Exodus ship. We should have built a bigger bomb. [SCENE_BREAK] Clarke : Hey. The comms are still dead. They cut out during the pageant. Bellamy: Best Unity Day ever. Clarke: Do you really think now is a good time to be having a party? I mean, the Grounder is out there. Bellamy: Grounders. By now, he's made it home. He's probably putting together a lynch mob. Relax. I got security covered. Why don't you go get a drink? You look like you could use one. Clarke: I could use more than one. Bellamy: Then have more than one. Clarke, the Exodus ship carrying your mother comes down here in two days. After that, the party's over. Have some fun while you still can. You deserve it. Clarke: Yeah. Okay. So do you by the way. Bellamy: I'll have my fun when the Grounders come. Clarke: All right. Jasper: Unity Day. Making bullets on Unity Day. Raven: The Grounders don't know it's Unity Day. Jasper: How did Bellamy get you to help? Raven: I volunteered. We have to be ready to fight, right? Jasper: Or we could try talking to them. Raven: They seem to prefer stabbing. Jasper: Violence is the only thing those people understand. Raven: You know, they could say the same thing about us. If we keep going on this way, we'll never stop digging graves. [SCENE_BREAK] Raven : You didn't see him, Finn. It didn't matter what we did to him. He was ready to let you die. Finn: He was protecting himself. Raven: Why are you defending him? Never mind. Finn: Hope you know what you're doing. Raven: I know what I'm doing. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Octavia sneaks up on Lincoln with knifes in her hands. Lincoln whips around and grabs her wrists at the last second ) Octavia: Better? Lincoln: We'll make a warrior out of you yet. ( they have s*x ) Octavia: Finn?! Lincoln, wait, wait! He's my friend. Finn: I think you lost this. Octavia: So, what the hell are you doing here? Finn: I could ask you the same thing. I could also ask how long you've known he speaks English, but I won't. ( shows Lincoln his horn ) You blew this when your people were hunting us. You saved our lives. I have to believe there's more like you. Lincoln: I stabbed you. Finn: And we tortured you. If the two of us can get along, then maybe there's hope. Learn from history instead of repeating it, right? Octavia: How's that gonna happen? Finn: For starters, no more killing. Lincoln: I don't have the power to call a truce. Finn: Then bring me to someone who does. Hey, look. The rest of our people are coming down here. The first ship lands in two days. Octavia: It's true. Finn: And because of the attacks, they're sending mostly soldiers, the people that enforce our laws. The Ark is about survival at any cost, and they'll kill people who fall out of line. When those people get down here if they feel threatened, they will start a war, and I don't want that. Neither do you, and I think that's why you blew that horn. Once the soldiers get here, it will be too late, and we'll have no power to stop them, but if they see that we're at peace, then maybe we have a chance to stay that way. Lincoln: All right. You bring your leader, I'll bring mine. Octavia: What, Bellamy? He'll never go for this. Lincoln: No. Not your brother. Finn: Clarke. [SCENE_BREAK] Guard 1: Check. Diana: Make sure everything's cleared out. Guard 2: All right. It's clear back here. Sir, the dropship's clear. We did a full security sweep. Ridley: Okay, boys and girls. Play time's over. Back to work. Let's get this ship ready to launch. Abby: I should be in medical, not packing first-aid supplies. Ridley: The injured have been taken care of, and we can do nothing for the dead. Jaha: Marcus. I'm sorry. Vera was an amazing spirit. Sydney: This launch should be delayed at least until you've questioned the terrorist that set that bomb. I put word out to my people and just heard back. His name is Cuyler Ridley. He's a mechanic who lost his wife in the culling. Abby: Yeah. I recognize him. So what makes you think he did it? Diana: He turned himself in. Abby: Where have you been, Diana? Why did you leave the pageant early? Diana: Well, thank God I did, or I'd be dead right now. I guess we're both lucky. Abby: Stay where we can find you. Where am I gonna go, Kane? Kane: Be careful. Ridley's dangerous. [SCENE_BREAK] ( A table with Delinquents around it flipping metal parts into cups ) Clarke: You're not gonna get this one. Delinquent: Yes I am. Clarke: No. It's not happening. ( cheering ) Delinquents: Whoo! All right. Delinquent: What do you know? Her highness can actually party. I like it. Clarke: So, what are you gonna do when the guard come down and commandeer Monty's still? Delinquent: Build another. Clarke: All right. You ready? ( tries to balance metal piece on nose ) Oh. No. Wait. I have done this before, I promise. What is it? Finn: Let's take a walk. Clarke: Sorry. Did something happen? Finn: I need you to come with me, but I can't tell you why, okay? Clarke: Finn, tell me why. ( Finn tries to pull her away from the crowd ) Hey. Don't. Finn: I set up a meeting with the Grounders. Clarke: A meeting? I don't understand. With who? How? Finn: I was just with the Grounder that we had in the dropship. His name is Lincoln. Clarke: Wait a second. He spoke to you? Finn: It's not important. Clarke: If we want to live in peace Finn, we can't live in peace with people who've done nothing but kill us. Finn: Can you think of a better way to stop the bloodshed? Clarke: Yeah. With the guns that the guard bring down. Finn: You really want a war? Because at this rate, that's what's coming. Look. I know it's a long shot, but this is our world now, and I think we can do better than the first time around. I trust him. Clarke: I don't. But if we go, we have to bring backup. Finn: No way. We're not bringing guns. Those weren't the terms, and if we're gonna do this, we got to give it a fair shot. Clarke: Okay. Okay. I'll- I'll get my pack, and I'll meet you at the gate. Finn: Okay. Clarke: Hey. I need to talk to you. Bellamy: Having fun yet, princess? Clarke: I'm serious. Bellamy: You always are, so talk. Clarke: Finn's set up a meeting with the Grounders. I'm leaving to go talk to them. Bellamy: Because you think that impaling people on spears is code for "let's be friends"? Have you lost your damn mind? Clarke: I think it might be worth a shot. I mean, we do have to live with these people. Bellamy: They'll probably gut you, string you up as a warning. Clarke: Well, that's why I'm here. I need you to follow us, be our backup. Bellamy: Does Finn know about this? Clarke: Finn doesn't need to know, and, Bellamy, bring guns. [SCENE_BREAK] Jasper : Hey, hey! There you are! All right. Listen. We're playing drunkball. I bet Monroe my team's gonna win the Unity Day title. That's for you. I know you Zero-G mechs have crazy hand-eye skills, so, huh? What do you think? Must be better than whatever you're doing. Raven: I'm checking the gunpowder in these rounds so that if the Grounders try to kill us all maybe we can get a few shots off beforehand. Jasper: Hmm. That's intense. Sure you know what you're doing? Raven: Why does everyone keep asking me- ( A round explodes ) Oh, whoa! Damn! Jasper: You need now that, you know, you almost blew one off? Raven: I got this. Jasper: Hey. No one's a better mechanic, all right, but this stuff requires a chemist. How'd you do in chemistry class? Hmm. Ahh. Well, the fates are smiling upon you, my friend. I was great in chemistry. Hmm. ( smells gunpowder from a bullet ) Oh! Nope. ( coughs ) Oh, it's gassed off. Pretty sure the acidic smell means that the gunpowder's degraded. Raven: Better start a dud pile. Jasper: You know, when my parents get here, they can mix us up some new gunpowder. My dad's gonna flip for this scrap metal. "My kingdom for a soda can." Heh. That's what he always used to say. How about you? Got any family? Raven: Nope. Just Finn. Jasper: Well, we all got each other now, right? Bellamy: Jasper, you're coming with me. Jasper: I am? Bellamy: You handled yourself well in the cave with the Grounder. Jasper: I mean, I hit him in the head. Raven: If you're planning on shooting anything, you better think twice. I haven't checked those yet. Bellamy: Give me some bullets that work. Raven: What do you need them for? Bellamy: Your boyfriend's being an idiot. Raven: I'm coming with you. Bellamy: We should get Clarke. Raven: Clarke's with Finn, isn't she? [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clarke and Finn walk through the woods together ) Clarke: I'd love it if you were right about this, but did you ever consider it might be a trap? Finn: Yep, but since it's Unity Day, I decided to have hope instead. ( Finn winces ) Unh. Clarke: Oh! Hey. Let me have a look at that. ( looks at Finn's stab wound ) ( sighs ) Seriously, Finn, you're putting a lot of faith in a guy who stuck a knife in you. Finn: And you're sounding more and more like Bellamy. Clarke: I'm just trying to keep us alive. Finn: So am I. At least they're good for something. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Jasper, Bellamy and Raven walk a distance behind Clarke and Finn with rifles ) Jasper: Sorry for bringing up Clarke earlier. Raven: That was awkward. Jasper: Shut up. Bellamy: Both of you shut up. Keep your eyes open. [SCENE_BREAK] ( in The Ark. Ridley is being interrogated ) Callie: You were seen planting the bomb, Ridley. You killed six people. Ridley: Should have been seven. Jaha's lucky he cut his speech short. Callie: I know you're upset about what happened at Section Seventeen. Ridley: I lost my wife. You're damn right I'm upset, but this is about more than the culling. Workers all over the Ark are tired of getting screwed. It's our kids you sent to die on Earth and who's on the first dropship? Not us. Over and over Jaha and the rest of you on the Council betray our trust. Today is your reckoning. Callie: Tell me. Who helped you? I know you didn't act alone. Ridley: You don't know jack. You still think this is just about the Chancellor. ( Guards step forward and kill people in the interrogation room using electric batons ) Dying people: Unh! Unh! Ridley: There goes the power. That's our cue. ( guards notice Kane is still alive ) Leave him. He's gonna die in here anyway. [SCENE_BREAK] Jaha : What's happened? Guard: I'm not sure, but we've lost power to multiple stations. Farm, Hydra, Mecha. Now we can vent in breathable air, but the temperature in those stations is falling fast. People are gonna freeze to death. Jaha: Lift the lockdown and evacuate those stations. Where's Kane? Guard: He's interrogating the bomber. Sir. Power's out in Prison station. ( Jaha and the guards run to the interrogation room and find Marcus inside, barely alive ) Jaha: Marcus! Kane: It's a mutiny. Diana Sydney. She's- She's diverting power. She's taking the Exodus ship. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Diana in the Exodus ship watching as guards scurry around preparing for launch. Guards point batons at workers ) Red: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? Guard: This is our ship now. Guard 2: Chancellor on deck. Diana: How many of our people are on board? Guard: Less than fifty percent, ma'am. They're all upstairs on the passenger deck. Diana: Tell me about the cargo. Guard: Nearly all here. Diana: Search all the decks. Throw anyone not loyal to us out of the service hatches and back into the Ark. Lieutenant, you may give the order. Ridley: Seal the doors, begin the launch protocol. We're t-minus five and counting. ( Man runs out of the ship ) Sydney: Let him go! He's made his choice. Guard: He'll warn Jaha. Sydney: That hardly matters now. This Exodus ship belongs to all of you. You're the future of the human race, and today, I'm going to lead you home. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clarke and Finn, at the meeting place. ) Clarke: So that's how you set this up. You helped him escape, didn't you? Finn: I trust him, Clarke. Clarke: There's a lot of that going around. Bellamy: Someone's coming. Jasper: What's Octavia doing here? ( Octavia and Lincoln hug ) Oh. I guess we know how he got away. Clarke: Wait. Look. Oh, my God. Horses! Hey. ( noticing the Grounders have weapons ) We said no weapons. Lincoln: I was told there wouldn't be. Finn: It's too late now. ( Finn tries to go with Clarke towards Anya ) Lincoln: She goes alone. Clarke: I'll be fine. Finn: Clarke- Hey. It's time to do better. Anya: Your name is Clarke? Clarke: Yes. Anya: I'm Anya. Clarke: I think we got off to a rough start, but we want to find a way to live together in peace. Anya: I understand. You started a war that you don't know how to end. Clarke: What? No. We didn't start anything. You attacked us for no reason. Anya: No reason? The missiles you launched burned a village to the ground. Clarke: The flares? No. That was a signal meant for our families. We had no idea- Anya: You're invaders. Your ship landed in our territory. Clarke: We didn't know anyone was here. We thought the ground was uninhabited. Anya: You knew we were here when you sent an armed raiding party to capture one of us and torture him. These are all acts of war. Clarke: I see your point. That's why we need to put an end to all of this. [SCENE_BREAK] Red : I told you. It happened very fast. I'm not even sure that Doctor Griffin was inside at the time. I'm sorry. Sinclair: Sir, the Exodus ship is fully charged, and they've begun their launch protocol. Jaha: It won't launch when the door's open, that's correct? Sinclair: It is. Jaha: Then get the damn door open. Sinclair: We can't. It's already pressurized, and we can only open it from the inside. Jaha: Keep trying! How long until launch? Sinclair: Two minutes. Jaha: Diana, open the door! Guard: Sitrep forthcoming, ma'am. We should be ready for launch momentarily. Diana: Upper levels clear? Okay. Ridley: Complete the sweep- and secure the hatches. Man: Yes, sir! Assume flight positions. Diana: Hey! What are you doing? Jaha: Abby? Diana, don't do this. Diana: It's already done. Ridley: Get her out of here. Diana: Wait. We could use a doctor on the ground. Come with us. You owe Jaha no loyalty. He's killed your husband and betrayed you. You're just like us. Think of your daughter, Abby. You can see Clarke again today. Abby: I'm nothing like you. ( a guard tries to shock Abby with the electric baton, but a man steps in to defend her and takes the shock instead ) Man: Whoa! Whoa! Unh! Abby! Red: I got my pry bar in! Somebody get me a jack! [SCENE_BREAK] Anya : Lincoln said there are more of you coming down, warriors. Clarke: The guard, yes, but also farmers, doctors, engineers. We can help each other but not if we're at war. Anya: Can you promise that these new arrivals won't attack us, that they'll respect the terms you and I agree on? Clarke: I promise I will do everything I can to convince them to honorr the terms that we set. Anya: Why would I agree to an alliance that your people can break the moment they get here? Jasper: Grounder Princess looks pissed. Bellamy: Our princess has that effect. Clarke: If you fire the first shot, those people coming down won't bother negotiating. Our technology- They will wipe you out. Anya: They wouldn't be the first to try. Jasper: Oh, no. No. This is bad. Raven: What the hell are you talking about? Jasper: There's Grounders in the trees. Raven: What? Where? Are you sure? I don't see anything. Jasper: They're gonna shoot! Clarke, run! Run! Bellamy: Clarke, get down! Finn, get back! Go, go! ( Lincoln gets hit by an arrow ) Lincoln: Unh! Octavia: Oh my God! Lincoln! You've been hit! Lincoln: It's just a scratch. Unh! Okay. Run! Don't stop till you get behind your walls. Go! Take her! Octavia: Lincoln! No! Lincoln: Go! [SCENE_BREAK] Red : I got the jack! Where's Abby? Send her through! Sydney: I will if you let the doors close. Sinclair: No, no, no. They haven't decoupled! Jaha: What does that mean? Sinclair: It means the dropship's still tied into all of our major systems. Power, water, air. If it launches, the Ark will be crippled, and everyone left on board will die. Kane: Can we do it from our side? Sinclair: Yes, but it takes hours, and they're not waiting! Jaha: Diana, please! You don't want to be remembered like this! Diana: I won't be because you brought this on yourself, Jaha. You promised the people truth, and all you gave them were lies! Jaha: You had me shot! You detonated a bomb in a public meeting, killing six innocent people, and now you want to kill everyone on this space station to satisfy your ego? Diana: He is still lying to your face. There aren't enough dropships to get everyone to the ground. Sinclair: What is she talking about? Jaha: Trust me, we will figure this out. We will survive, we always do! Go! Come on! Sydney: You can't trust him. More than one thousand people, most of them workers like you, are gonna be left behind to die. You can still save yourself. Sinclair: I don't trust either of you. We've lost the main power generator. Diana: But I'm going to the ground! Jaha: No! Diana: Launch! Sinclair: Sirs, we have to go right now! Everybody out! Get back behind the containment doors. Go, go, go! Please, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clarke, Finn, Octavia, Bellamy, Jasper and Raven sprint back to camp ) Clarke: You got anything to say? Finn: Yeah. I told you no guns! Clarke: I told you we couldn't trust the Grounders. I was right. Raven: Why didn't you tell me what you were up to? Finn: I tried, but you were too busy making bullets for your gun. Bellamy: You're lucky she brought that! They came there to kill you, Finn. Finn: You don't know that! Clarke: Jasper fired the first shot! You ruined everything. Jasper: I saved you! You're welcome. Clarke: Well, if we weren't at war already, we sure as hell are now. Bellamy: You didn't have to trust the Grounders. You just had to trust me. Like I said, best Unity Day ever. ( an explosion sounds through the air, which is revealed to be the Exodus ship ) The Exodus ship? Your mom's early. Clarke: Wait. Too fast. No parachute? Something's wrong. ( Exodus ship impacts heavily with the ground, creating a mushroom cloud. Clarke sinks to her knees, believing her mother to be dead )

Plan: A: Unity Day; Q: What is the name of the holiday that celebrates the joining of the orbiting space stations? A: their video link; Q: What is interrupted during Unity Day? A: The Ark. Diana; Q: Who engineers a mutiny to hijack the first dropship? A: The Ark's main systems; Q: What was the dropship not fully disconnected from? A: an Ark-wide power outage; Q: What happens when the dropship launches? A: peace; Q: What does Finn try to initiate? A: Finn; Q: Who arranges a meeting with the local grounder leader? A: Clarke; Q: Who represents the 100 at the meeting with the grounders? A: the group; Q: Who does Clarke represent? A: Anya; Q: Who does Clarke meet at the meeting? A: the 100's "flares; Q: What burned down a grounder village? A: their destruction; Q: What do the grounders desire? A: Jasper; Q: Who believes he sees the grounder spotters in the trees about to shoot? A: battle; Q: What does the meeting dissolve into? A: the dropship; Q: What crashes in the distance? A: no parachute; Q: What was missing from the dropship? Summary: "Unity Day" arrives, when the joining of the orbiting space stations is celebrated. As the 100 celebrate, they find their video link interrupted when a bomb explodes during the ceremony on The Ark. Diana engineers a mutiny in order to hijack the first dropship. As the ship launches, it is not fully disconnected from The Ark's main systems, causing an Ark-wide power outage and disabling every dropship. On the ground, in an effort to initiate peace, Finn arranges a meeting with the local grounder leader through Lincoln. Clarke represents the group and goes to the meeting, where she meets Anya, a grounder leader. Anya reveals that the 100's "flares" burned down a grounder village, causing the grounders to desire their destruction despite it having been an accident. Jasper, who along with Bellamy is monitoring the meeting from cover, believes he sees the grounder spotters in the trees about to shoot, he opens fire, and the meeting dissolves into battle. That night, Clarke and Bellamy see the dropship descending. It comes in too fast with no parachute and violently crashes in the distance.

THE ROMANS DENNIS SPOONER 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. HILLSIDE (The TARDIS materialises on a wooded cliffside. Against the sound of birdsong, it immediately begins to rock precariously on its base.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR switches off controls whilst IAN is the first to notice that not all is quite right with the TARDIS's new landing site.) DOCTOR: There we are! Safely down. IAN: What's that movement, Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? IAN: Well, surely you can feel it? DOCTOR: What movement? (BARBARA and VICKI rush to the console, as the rocking movement grows greater.) BARBARA: Doctor! What's happening? DOCTOR: Oh! IAN: Take off again Doctor! DOCTOR: Hold on! VICKI: We're falling! (The room suddenly lurches to one side.) DOCTOR: Hold on, Hold on, Hold on! (The companions are all thrown to one side and onto the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. HILLSIDE (The TARDIS falls off the cliffside and down into the valley.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. VALLEY (The TARDIS lies at an angle at the bottom of the hill. Plants have grown over it...as if it has been there for some time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. VILLA (IAN lies with his eyes closed...but suddenly puts a bunch of grapes to his mouth. He is lying on a Roman couch dressed in a toga. Nearby the DOCTOR, also dressed in a toga, stops watering a pot plant to glance at the teacher.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) So, you're awake at last, young man? (IAN looks across at him but remains lying down.) IAN: No need to say it like that Doctor. I thought the whole idea of us coming here was that we should all have a nice rest. (He sits up.) DOCTOR: My dear boy, there's a great deal of difference between resting and...being sort of, bone idle! (Laughs.) (IAN gets up and walks over to the DOCTOR as he recommences his plant watering.) IAN: Well, have a grape. DOCTOR: No, thank you. I've had my breakfast. IAN: Where are Barbara and Vicki. They gone down to the village? (The DOCTOR seems to ignore his question.) IAN: Don't you think that plants had enough water, Doctor? DOCTOR: The answer dear boy is pipes. IAN: (Puzzled.) Pipes? DOCTOR: Pipes, Chesterton, Pipes! IAN: Oh! DOCTOR: You see, the Romans, unfortunately, didn't know how to transport water satisfactorily. That's why they built their aqueducts. Now, if they'd experimented with pipes! IAN: Oh! I see what you're getting at, yes. DOCTOR: Good, good, yes, yes, they have! (He starts to walk away.) IAN: I beg your pardon? DOCTOR: (Turning back.) Oh, my dear young man, why do you let your mind wander so? You asked me just now if Barbara and Vicki had gone down to the village. I gave you a plain and simple answer: Yes - they have! (IAN smiles ruefully.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. ROAD (VICKI runs excitedly up a road, stopping to pick flowers. She looks back at BARBARA who follows behind at a much slower pace. Both wear long Roman dresses.) VICKI: Come on, Barbara. BARBARA: Oh, Vicki. There's no need to be in such a hurry. The village isn't going to run away. Oh, its so hot. VICKI: It's just that I want to get there before the market closes. BARBARA: Alright, we'll get there. But not so fast! (BARBARA sits down to rest on a rock.) VICKI: Oh, come on! Honestly, you're getting as bad as Ian. BARBARA: Oh, what's that supposed to mean? VICKI: Well...the way you spoke I thought we were going to have...adventures and see things. We've been here nearly a month and all everyone wants to do is sit around and rest. (She pulls BARBARA off her seat.) BARBARA: Oh, Vicki! Look, the adventures come without us looking for them. And you're finding out what it was like to live in Roman times. VICKI: Oh, yes, in one little village miles away from Rome. (In the bushes nearby, a man called ASCARIS sharpens a sword. He hears the women's voices and rushes to the edge of the bushes to see.) VICKI: (OOV.) How much longer do you think the Doctor will stay here, Barbara? BARBARA: (OOV.) Oh, I've no idea. You can never tell with the Doctor. You just have to wait and see. VICKI: (OOV.) What are you going to buy at the market? (ASCARIS, seeing that they are no threat, melts back into the foliage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. VILLAGE MARKET PLACE (A bustling Roman market. A few feet away from the stalls, several people have gathered to listen to a Lyre player, MAXIMUS PETTULIAN, who somewhat resembles the DOCTOR. Two men however, pay no attention to his tunes but look eagerly at the people around them as they walk between the stalls. These are SEVCHERIA and DIDIUS his smaller, bearded companion. They are slave traders.) DIDIUS: This is too small a place, Sevcheria. I can't see us finding what we want here. SEVCHERIA: It's our last chance before Rome. DIDIUS: Why? We pass through much bigger towns. SEVCHERIA: Yes, and with legal representation. If we raid them, the repercussions will put us out of business. DIDIUS: Then lets go back. SEVCHERIA: Didius! The, slaves we've already brought from Gaul are in no condition for further travel and the quality as such, we shall have to take far below the market price as it is. (He suddenly spots BARBARA and VICKI who are looking round the market stalls and points them out to DIDIUS.) DIDIUS: The two women, yes, very suitable, I agree. I doubt even the possibility. SEVCHERIA: It will do no harm to make enquiries, Didius. (DIDIUS steps forward to enquire but SEVCHERIA holds him back to observe. At one stall, VICKI, the flowers still in her hands, examines a roll of silken cloth.) VICKI: This will make a nice dress, don't you think so, Barbara? BARBARA: Mmm. Are you any good at dressmaking? VICKI: No, but I thought you might be! BARBARA: Oh, I see! Well, what sort of style would you like? VICKI: I don't know. What were the fashions like when you left London? BARBARA: London? Never heard of it. VICKI: But you told me that's where you came from! BARBARA: Ahh! You mean Londinium. "When in Rome...!" (A woman STALL HOLDER interrupts.) STALL HOLDER: Can I help you? VICKI: (Laughing.) Yes, how much is this, please? STALL HOLDER: Well now, what would you consider to be a fair price? Bearing in mind it's the only length of its kind and the finest quality available. VICKI: Yes, I know but how much are you asking? STALL HOLDER: Well, its very difficult to put a price on something like this. It's very hard to come by. BARBARA: (Interrupting.) Yes, I'm sure it is. We'll think about it and come back later. (She walks away pulling VICKI after her.) STALL HOLDER: (Calling after them.) Hey, one moment, please! VICKI: Barbara, please? Can't we buy it? BARBARA: You should have learned by now that the price is much fairer when you're not so eager to buy. VICKI: What? Can we go back and buy it now? (She starts to run back but BARBARA pulls her away.) BARBARA: No! Not just yet! (The two women walk away. SEVCHERIA and DIDIUS, seeing that the two women have gone, go up to the STALL HOLDER.) SEVCHERIA: Good day to you. A fine selection. STALL HOLDER: None finer this side of Rome. SEVCHERIA: No thank you. My friend and I are not interested in buying cloth today. We are buying information. (SEVCHERIA shows her some coins. Much to his disgust, the eager DIDIUS jumps straight in with his question.) DIDIUS: The two who were just here...do you know them? STALL HOLDER: (To SEVCHERIA.) By sight, not the name. DIDIUS: But they do live here? STALL HOLDER: Yes... (SEVCHERIA gives her the coins.) STALL HOLDER: They moved into a Villa just north of the town about a month ago. The owner, Flavius Guiscard is away campaigning in Gaul. We reckon they're friends of his looking after the house. SEVCHERIA: How many of them are there? (The STALL HOLDER holds out her hand. SEVCHERIA gives her some more coins.) STALL HOLDER: Four. There are two men with them. DIDIUS: Young? (The STALL HOLDER again holds out her hand. SEVCHERIA puts another coin in it.) STALL HOLDER: One of them is. They sell the produce of the gardens to the townsfolk here. Very cheaply too, they must be fools. SEVCHERIA: But you've no idea where they come from? STALL HOLDER: None...at least not until today... (She holds out her hand and receives another coin.) STALL HOLDER: One of the women mentioned a town, Londinium, I think she said. (SEVCHERIA nods.) Do you know it? (DIDIUS coughs as some other people approach the stall.) SEVCHERIA: (To the STALL HOLDER.) Thank you. You have been most helpful. (SEVCHERIA and DIDIUS step aside.) DIDIUS: The town they spoke of is in a place called Britannia. They are... SEVCHERIA: (Interrupting.) ..are Britons. DIDIUS: Yes! SEVCHERIA: Perfect! (The walk away. They pass MAXIMUS PETTULIAN who finishes playing. The people gathered round him applaud as he nods in greeting to them, picks up his Lyre and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. ROAD (On the road, ASCARIS watches unwitting passers-by...and waits. Shortly, MAXIMUS PETTULIAN walks by. ASCARIS grabs him from behind and drags him into the bushes. His work is over in seconds. He re-sheathes his sword and walks away leaving the dead body of the Lyre player behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. VILLA (The TARDIS crew has finished a sumptuous meal.) DOCTOR: Mmm! Oh! Wonderful feast, my dear! I don't know when I've enjoyed a meal more! Oh! What was it? BARBARA: Well, the main course was breast of peacock. (The DOCTOR chuckles in appreciation.) IAN: Delicious! BARBARA: With an orange and juniper sauce. DOCTOR: Oh, exquisite! BARBARA: Garnished with Larks tongues and baked Pomegranates... DOCTOR: Oh fabulous, my dear, absolutely fabulous! What was it we had before, the sort of, "Hors d'oeuvres", so to speak? VICKI: That isn't its name - French isn't invented yet. DOCTOR: Cha cha cha child! Barbara, what was it? Hmm? BARBARA: Ant's eggs in herbiscous honey. DOCTOR: Oh, absolutely st...what did you say? IAN: Ant's eggs, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, that's what I thought she said - Ant's eggs! What do you think I am - a Goldfish! Hmm? (They all laugh.) IAN: Oh, Doctor, there's one thing I wanted to ask you. DOCTOR: Well, go ahead my boy. IAN: Now, er, what about the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Well, what about it? Hmm? IAN: Well, don't you think we ought to go and have a look at it? DOCTOR: Oh, so you want to move on, do you? IAN: Move on? Certainly not! I'd like to stay here as long as possible. DOCTOR: Good, that's settled, settled, fine. BARBARA: All the same, Doctor ... DOCTOR: Hmm? BARBARA: I know what Ian means. It's been three or four weeks since we left the TARDIS. IAN: Yes, its not even the right way up. DOCTOR: (Impatient.) How many times do I have to tell you that the TARDIS is quite safe where it is? It can take off from any angle. I've never known such a pair of worriers! (He stands up.) Really! Good Heavens, I can't wait to get away for a couple of days from you. You keep on and on and on and on and on, Oh! Good gracious me! Really! (He walks out of the room muttering to himself.) IAN: Going away? (To BARBARA.) Do you know anything about this? BARBARA: No. Not a thing. IAN: Vicki? VICKI: No, he hasn't said anything to me. Can't say I blame him though. BARBARA: Blame him for what? VICKI: Well, its alright living here but, its boring! No wonder he gets irritable. IAN: Huh! That's got nothing to do with living here, believe me! (He walks over to the doorway through which the DOCTOR has just stepped.) IAN: Doctor! You there? (The DOCTOR walks out of another doorway with a bag in his hand. He steps up to the dining table and starts to fill the bag with food.) DOCTOR: Well, I think these should last me two or three days, hmm? IAN: You never told us you were going away? (BARBARA walks away, clearing the items off the table.) DOCTOR: Oh, Well I don't know that I was under any obligation to report my movements to you, Chesterfield. (BARBARA steps back at hearing this error.) BARBARA: Chesterton DOCTOR: (To IAN.) Oh, Barbara's calling you! (IAN looks at BARBARA in puzzlement as she walks out of the room but then realises the DOCTOR'S error. VICKI quietly laughs.) VICKI: Where are you going Doctor? DOCTOR: To Rome, my child. VICKI: (Excited.) Oh can I come with you? I won't be any trouble, I promise. Can I? DOCTOR: Well, I, er... VICKI: Please? DOCTOR: Mmm. Very well then, very well, (VICKI cries out in delight as BARBARA returns.) IAN: Well, er, perhaps we'd all better come with you to Rome. DOCTOR: But my dear chap, you...you just turned down my invitation. IAN: I did? DOCTOR: Yes, you said how glad you would be to stay here as long as possible. BARBARA: Oh no, Doctor. That was before we knew your plans. Don't you think it would be safer if Ian and I... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) What is this, what is this now? I know what you're insinuating. Yes, that I'm not capable of taking care of myself, eh? Huh! Safer indeed! Afraid to let me out of your sight, are you? Want to be my nursemaids? Well now, let me tell me something: I won't stand for it. Indeed, I will not stand for it. You want to go to Rome? Go! Go yourselves! VICKI: Doctor, if you feel that... DOCTOR: Yes, of course, my dear, come along, let's set about our packing shall we? Come on, then. (They walk out of the room.) Yes, you know, this is going to be your first exploration. You know, I think you'll like Rome. Rome is fascinating, most interesting. I remember once when I was there and I spoke to... BARBARA: (Sitting down.) Well, I certainly said the wrong thing. IAN: Oh, don't worry, Barbara. Anything you'd said would have been wrong. BARBARA: I suppose we're lucky really: to have kept him inactive as long as we have. IAN: True, true. Still, he can say what he likes. He's enjoyed this rest as much as any of us. (IAN adjusts his toga and sees that BARBARA is staring at him.) IAN: What's the matter? My slip showing? BARBARA: No. I was just thinking what a splendid looking Roman you make. IAN: Oh! (Laughs.) Well er, yes, if I wasn't so modest, I'd agree with you! BARBARA: It's a pity there's just one thing out of place. IAN: Oh, where? BARBARA: (Walking towards him.) That hair. IAN: Hmm? BARBARA: It just doesn't go with those clothes. IAN: Oh, yes, I know that but I... BARBARA: (Takes his hand and pulls him towards a couch.) Come and sit down. IAN: Eh? BARBARA: Come and sit down! IAN: Oh! (She picks up an ornate comb.) IAN: Now, just a minute, Barbara! BARBARA: It won't hurt, I got it in the market specially. IAN: Yes, well, which market? (He jumps back and falls to the floor.) Oh! BARBARA: Oh, don't be such a baby. Come here. (She starts combing out his 1963 side parting and adjusts his hair into a forward Roman style.) IAN: How long do you think the Doctor will be away? BARBARA: No idea. Why? IAN: Well, the owner of this house could come back before he does. I... (He draws his breath in sharply as the teeth of the comb pull at his hair.) That hurts, you know! BARBARA: Sorry. Well, if he does come back, we can always go back to the TARDIS. (She finishes combing.) There. How's that? IAN: Feels awful. BARBARA: Well, why don't you go and look in the spring? (IAN gets up off the floor and goes over to a small fountain in the middle of the room where he examines his reflection in the water.) IAN: Hey! Hey, that's not too bad! BARBARA: Well, it's all part of the service. I take in washing too! IAN: (Laughs.) Not bad at all. (IAN coughs for attention, raises an arm dramatically, walks round the room and declaims from Act 3, Scene 2 of "Julius Caesar") IAN: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him!" BARBARA: (To herself.) Oh boy, that was a mistake. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. ROADSIDE (NIGHT) DIDIUS: I've finished feeding them, Sevcheria. SEVCHERIA: Good. They need all the fattening they can get. (SEVCHERIA looks over at a nearby cart to which are chained several slaves eating a meal. One of them, a young girl, cries next to an older woman.) SEVCHERIA: Not many in the consignment is there? DIDIUS: They're a poor looking bunch. SEVCHERIA: Ah well, if we're to get the four from the villa, we'd better get moving, Didius. (They walk into a nearby tent.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TENT (They pick up some swords from a table.) SEVCHERIA: As soon as we get back, we'll break camp. We shall be away from here tonight. DIDIUS: Before any local enquiries arise, is that the idea? SEVCHERIA: (Laughs.) We'll make a slave trader of you yet, Didius! Come on, lets get them. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. VILLA (BARBARA relaxes on a couch as IAN lies on the floor at her feet. They both hold goblets.) BARBARA: You know Ian, I could get used to this sort of life. IAN: Mmm. I already have. (IAN drinks his goblet dry.) IAN: Oh...what about another drink? BARBARA: Oh, yes, I'd love one. (They each go to pass their goblets to each other. IAN is the one to give in and takes BARBARA'S goblet off her.) BARBARA: Thank you. (IAN pours some more drinks from a jug.) IAN: No ice, I'm afraid. BARBARA: There's some in the fridge. IAN: Ah. (He starts to walk out of the room but stops when he realises he has been taken in. BARBARA, who has been watching him, bursts into laughter.) IAN: Very funny, very funny! BARBARA: (Laughing.) You went! (He passes BARBARA her goblet, sits and raises his drink.) IAN: Well here's to the first fridge! BARBARA: Cheers! IAN: (Drinks, then...) Ahh...Oh..Tempera, Oh Morese! (The smile disappears from his face as he suddenly hears a sound.) IAN: Did you hear something, Barbara? BARBARA: No. Like what? IAN: (Getting up and listening.) There's someone out there. BARBARA: (Joining him.) No, you must be imagining things. IAN: No, no, I'm not. Who's there? (He walks across the room to a doorway and calls out again.) IAN: What do you want? (DIDIUS enters by another door, his sword raised.) IAN: Who are you? BARBARA: (Swivels round as SEVCHERIA approaches her from the other side with his sword.) Ian!? SEVCHERIA: Where are the others? BARBARA: (Nervous.) They're not here, they've gone away. IAN: We can explain, if you put up your swords. SEVCHERIA: Did you hear that, Didius, they can explain. (DIDIUS laughs. IAN grabs him and throws him into the fountain.) IAN: Run Barbara! (SEVCHERIA runs at IAN and starts to struggle with him. BARBARA rushes forward, picks up a vase and smashes it down - but onto IAN'S head in error! He collapses to the ground.) BARBARA: Oh, Ian! Ian! (SEVCHERIA hoists BARBARA over his shoulder.) SEVCHERIA: Lets get them back to the camp. BARBARA: Ian, wake up! (She screams as SEVCHERIA carries her from the room. DIDIUS holds his sword up to a semi-conscious IAN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. ROAD (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR and VICKI walk down a road on their way to Rome and approach a statue.) DOCTOR: Well, what have we here? VICKI: Just another dreary old statue. DOCTOR: Oh, it might be somebody famous, my child. (He looks for an inscription but notes something in the bushes.) DOCTOR: What's this...wait there dear. (The DOCTOR walks into the shrubbery and, despite his instruction to the contrary, VICKI follows. They find the body of MAXIMUS PETTULIAN.) VICKI: Oh, the poor man! DOCTOR: Yes, he's dead, and it doesn't look a natural death to me. VICKI: It's a lonely stretch of road. Maybe he was set upon by robbers? They did happen in this time, didn't they? DOCTOR: They did, my dear, yes, but that isn't the answer here. (He picks up the Lyre.) They've left his belongings too. VICKI: Maybe they didn't have time. DOCTOR: Oh they had plenty of time to drag him off the road. (VICKI looks closer at PETTULIAN.) VICKI: Doctor! I've seen him before. He was playing in the square when Barbara and I went to the market. DOCTOR: Yes, well, there is nothing we can do for him now, my dear, no, nothing at a... (He suddenly sees a CENTURION on the other side of the road probing the bushes with his sword.) DOCTOR: (To VICKI.) Stay here! VICKI: Yeah! (The DOCTOR approaches the CENTURION, still holding the Lyre.) DOCTOR: Good evening. Are you looking for somebody, something, er? CENTURION: Why, yes, I am. DOCTOR: Er, tell me, er do you always wave that sword about like that? CENTURION: Well what do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, you can easily kill someone. Swords are dangerous, you know. (The CENTURION sheathes his sword.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Yes, thank you, that's better. Now tell me, er, whom or what, er, you, er, were you looking for? CENTURION: Is that your Lyre? DOCTOR: W...why? Have you lost one? CENTURION: No, no, only if it is yours... DOCTOR: And what if it is? Hmm? CENTURION: Why, it's you I'm looking for. DOCTOR: Oh... (Nervous.) oh, I see, yes... CENTURION: You must be Maximus Pettulian from Corinth whose skill as a musician is talked of even in Rome. DOCTOR: Really? (Laughs.) Most interesting. CENTURION: We expected you in Assessium yesterday. When you failed to arrive, I sent my men out to search for you. I count it my good fortune that I've personally found you unharmed. DOCTOR: If I am the man you're looking for, tell me why should I be harmed? Hmm? CENTURION: All roads to Rome are dangerous for travellers. When you sent word that you intended to make your way on foot, playing your Lyre for the people, it caused great concern at court. DOCTOR: (Immediately interested.) At court? CENTURION: (As VICKI steps forward.) Caesar Nero's court. The Emperor of all Rome is very concerned for your safe arrival. He looks forward to discussing your music with you. DOCTOR: The Emperor! Nero eh! Ah ha! Yes, of course, I, er, I have heard that he that he plucks a string or two! Yes...es. Oh, the child, she travels with me. She keeps her eye on all the Lyres!! (VICKI smiles aside.) CENTURION: And if you're ready, we'll travel to Assessium and then my men will escort you the rest of the way. DOCTOR: Very well, we'll just attend to our...er...imperimetre. (They walk a few feet away.) VICKI: (Whispers.) Doctor, I know this... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) At court, I must be very important! VICKI: Listen, I know he's mistaken you for that man but we can't go with him! DOCTOR: But why not, my child? I'm sure he knows more about this business than he admits. And we shall never get a better chance of meeting Nero. VICKI: But Doctor, you don't even know your own name! DOCTOR: Oh, of course I do, my dear. It...it...it...it's... (He struggles to answer.) CENTURION: (Calling out.) Maximus Pettulian? If you're ready? DOCTOR: Oh, yes, yes, quite, quite, er, my child, yes. (The DOCTOR and VICKI walk off down the road. The CENTURION watches with a slight shake of the head and an expression that is anything but friendly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TENT (A SLAVE BUYER is negotiating with SEVCHERIA and DIDIUS in their tent.) SLAVE BUYER: Quite a stroke of luck meeting your train here, it'll save me a trip into Rome. SEVCHERIA: Always assuming we can reach a satisfactory agreement. SLAVE BUYER: I'll give you a fair price. We need the replacements urgently. SEVCHERIA: Three you say? SLAVE BUYER: Yes... SLAVE BUYER: How much for the British woman? DIDIUS: More than you can afford, friend. SLAVE BUYER: The woman goes with us to Rome. You can follow and bid if you like. SLAVE BUYER: (Laughs.) No harm in asking I say! Alright, three men. (He holds up a bag of coins.) Seven hundred. SEVCHERIA: Each? (The SLAVE BUYER laughs again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. ROADSIDE (The sound of the laughter reaches IAN as he tries to undo the chains that bind him and BARBARA to the wheel of the cart. The sound of the financial negotiations can be heard from the tent.) IAN: Arrr, no good, we'll have to try something else. BARBARA: Yes. IAN: They say we're going to move tonight, Barbara. We'll escape then. BARBARA: (Unconvinced.) Will we? IAN: Barbara, I know it looks bad, but... BARBARA: (Interrupting.) Bad? Have you any idea how the Roman's treated their slaves? Or how many of them escaped? Besides, time is against us. IAN: The Doctor! BARBARA: I haven't been able to think about anything else. When he and Vicki get back from Rome... IAN: Well, they'll wait for us. (Almost to himself.) They must wait for us. BARBARA: Yes, they'll wait for us. But for how long? (IAN tries to undo the chains again. DIDIUS sees his struggles, checks the chains, then hits him across the face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TENT (An agreement has been reached. The SLAVE BUYER gives SEVCHERIA his bag of coins as DIDIUS rejoins them.) SLAVE BUYER: A thousand it is and I have the choice. SEVCHERIA: Thank you. You've done yourself a good nights work. SLAVE BUYER: You're robbing me and you know it. (They both laugh) SEVCHERIA: Come on, let's inspect the goods. (They walk out of the tent...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. ROADSIDE (...and over to the prisoners. The SLAVE BUYER quickly looks BARBARA over, then examines two men next to her.) SLAVE BUYER: I'll have these two... (And then looks at IAN.) and that one. SEVCHERIA: Didius? (DIDIUS undoes IAN'S chain and thrusts him at the SLAVE BUYER.) SEVCHERIA: Don't forget, you can bid for the woman in Rome if you like. IAN: (Quietly to BARBARA.) Rome - I'll look for you in Rome. (BARBARA nods.) SLAVE BUYER: (Laughs to SEVCHERIA.) Rome? I shan't be going anywhere near Rome. Come on then, march! (He pushes them away as BARBARA calls out in desperation.) BARBARA: Ian! Ian! Ian! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. VILLA AT ASSESSIUM (The CENTURION paces the room angrily. The mute assassin, ASCARIS, enters the room. The CENTURION grabs him.) CENTURION: You fool! I went to where the body should have been and there he was alive. (ASCARIS, frightened, attempts to answer but only guttural sounds come out.) CENTURION: Nero pays well when better musicians than he are put out of the way and you failed, you fool! (He throws ASCARIS to the floor.) CENTURION: But you're lucky this time. I brought him back here so you have another chance to earn your fee. (ASCARIS gets to his feet.) Take it. Maximus Pettulian is in the room above. Fail me again and you'll lose more than your tongue! (ASCARIS makes more guttural sounds and runs away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. VILLA AT ASSESSIUM. OUTSIDE THE DOCTOR'S ROOM (ASCARIS approaches a curtained doorway. The DOCTOR can be heard inside, strumming on the Lyre.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Laughing.) I'm sure even Nero can play better than that! (ASCARIS pulls out a sword, looks round and starts to pull aside the curtain...)

Plan: A: a rare holiday; Q: What do Ian and Barbara take? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is taken to the court of Emperor Nero? A: adventure; Q: What do the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue? A: slave traders; Q: Who kidnapped Ian and Barbara? A: Maximus Pettulian; Q: Who does the Doctor imitate? A: Emperor Nero; Q: Who was the Emperor of Rome in A.D. 64? A: a part; Q: What does the Doctor play in deciding the course of history? Summary: Landing in Rome, A.D. 64 the travellers take a rare holiday. While Ian and Barbara are happy to relax, the Doctor and Vicki set off to pursue adventure. However, adventure soon finds Ian and Barbara too as they are kidnapped by slave traders, and the Doctor's imitation of Maximus Pettulian sees him taken to the court of Emperor Nero where he inadvertently plays a part in deciding the course of history...

Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.] Ross: Hey, you're not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it! Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes. Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures. Monica: That didn't work on mom, it's not going to work on us. Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It's the first one, too. (They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who's a little angry.) Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up. Ross: What? Chandler: I made that joke up. Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn't. I did. Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard. Ross: Hey, tell Dan, 'Thanks.' (Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.) Ross: What? Rachel: I'm sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.) Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right? Monica: No. Chandler: Seriously? Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes! Ross: Look, Chandler, it's my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don't print the name, so it doesn't really matter who gets credit, right? Chandler: Yeah, I guess. Joey: (entering) Hey guys. Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke. Ross: No, it's my joke, it's mine. You can call them, they'll tell you. Chandler: It's my joke. Ross: It's my joke. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right? Opening Credits [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up. Joey: Let's go watch it at your place. Chandler: Nah, Monica's watching some cooking show. Come on, I don't want to miss when they were skinny. Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y'know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses. Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out? Joey: No, that's VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It's like a lotta noise to me. I don't know... Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out? Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven't really paid the bill Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money? Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot. Chandler: Whoa ho. Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine). Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place? Joey: Sure. Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill? Joey: Not so much. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.] Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Monica: (relieved) It's only you. Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing? Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy. Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes! Monica: So do you think that these pictures-Are, are they trying to tell a story? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out, 'Where are they, where are they?' Monica: Well, she's not going to find them lying in the grass like that. (They flip through the pages to another picture.) Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over? Rachel and Monica: Yeah. Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that's got to come in handy Monica: Okay, I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be? Rachel: (thinks) I don't know. Monica: Me neither. Phoebe: Rachel. Monica: What?! Phoebe: I don't know. (Pause) Me neither. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.] Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard. Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it. Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I'm not even sure I got it. Ross: What, you didn't get it? The doctor is a monkey. (He and Chandler crack up.) Chandler: And monkeys can't write out prescriptions. (He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there) Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke. Ross: Your joke? Well, I think 'the Hef' would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars. Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money. Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I'll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer. Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke. Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there? Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Well, I'm not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down). Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down). (Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.) Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go. Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can't pay for this right now because I'm not working, so I've had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin' for stuff. Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here. Joey: Uh, I don't know. Ya see, it's just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y'know? And to go from that to this, I just... Plus, I'd have to wait on all my friends. Gunther: Okay, but the money's good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want. Joey: What?! Gunther: Flexible hours. Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they are in bed together.] Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel. Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it. Monica: It's wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel. Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I'm going to get a joke journal. Y'know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes. Monica: That's a good idea. Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Do you know what's a bad idea? Chandler: Picking Rachel. Monica: That's right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something? Chandler: Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts. Monica: It's coming from the living room. (They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.) Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.) [Scene, Phoebe and Rachel's, they're sitting together on the couch.] Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Hey. Monica: (laughing) Oh, don't you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I'm just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny. Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny. Monica: (angrily) It wasn't funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn't you pick me? Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you're ... just ... kinda high maintenance-Okay let's go to lunch! Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I'm high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we're going to go through it point by point! Phoebe: No, okay, you're right. You're easy-going. You're just not as easy-going as Rachel. She's just more flexible and-and mellow. That's all. Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different. Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel ... she'll do whatever you want. Y'know, you can just walk all over her. Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I'm a pushover? I'm not a pushover. Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you're not a pushover. Rachel: Oh my ... you think I'm a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You're not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that's pretty strong, that's what I think. Come on, Monica, let's go to lunch. (She leaves) Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.) [Cut to the hallway.] Rachel: I cannot believe her. Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat? Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place. Monica: I'm sick of Japanese. We're not going there. Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool. Monica: All right. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.] Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out. (Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.) Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up. (Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, 'cause I'm heading up there. Ross: Uh, yeah, I'll take a coffee. Thanks, man. Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? 'Cause I'm going up there. Rachel: No. Monica: No, thank you. Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, 'cause I'm heading up there. Woman: I'd love an ice water. Joey: You got it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a 'what's wrong with you?' look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.) Rachel: Joey, honey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there. Joey: Nah, it's okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they're in on a secret together.) Gunther: Don't wink at me. And put on your apron. Joey: Okay, but I don't see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons. Monica: Joey, do you work here? Joey: No. Customer: Hey, waiter. Joey: Yeah? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Joey, what's going on. What didn't you tell us you work here? Joey: It's kind of embarrassing, y'know. I mean, I was an actor and now I'm a waiter. It's supposed to go in the other direction. Chandler: So is your apron. You're wearing it like a cape. Joey: I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know? I guess I'm going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys. Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine. Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee? Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that weird. Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven't gotten it. Joey: See, now it's weird again. Chandler: I think it's great that you work here. You're going to make a lot of money, and here's your first tip: Don't eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse. Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin. Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y'know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It's all about turnover. Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee? Joey: Oh, I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin. (He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.) [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.] Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are? Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky. Monica: Hah! Phoebe: That true, I am flaky. Rachel: So, what, you're just, you're just okay with being flaky? Phoebe: Yeah, totally. Monica: Well, then, I'm okay with being high maintenance. Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover. Phoebe: That's great. Good for you guys. Monica: I am not high maintenance! Rachel: I am not a pushover! Phoebe: Who said you were? Monica and Rachel: You did! Phoebe: Oh, I'm flaky. I'll say anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.] Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition. Gunther: No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed. Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it's a great part. Look, check it out. I'm the lead guy's best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. 'I'm sorry, that seat's saved.' Gunther: That's the whole part? Joey: Okay, maybe he's not his best friend, but ... Gunther: Okay, I'll see you in an hour. Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. 'I'm sorry, that seat is taken.' Patron: Oh, excuse me. Joey: No, no, I didn't mean you. But, you believed me, huh? Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone. Joey: So, you'd hire me, right? Patron: For what? Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour. Customers: Huh? What? Joey: Yeah, it's for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It's a very important issue in this month's Playboy. I'm sure you all read about it. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.] Ross: It's my joke. Chandler: It's my joke. Ross and Chandler: It's my joke. Ross: Y'know, I don't think we're going to settle this. Chandler: Let's have Monica decide. Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Hey Mon. Chandler: Mon, get out here! Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.) Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is. Monica: Why do I have to decide? Chandler: Because you're the only one that can be fair. Ross: Yeah. Monica: I can't be fair. You're my boyfriend. Ross: Yeah, but I'm your brother. We're family. That's the most important thing in the world. Chandler: (to Ross) Don't try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I'm your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let's go. Ross: We'll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth-me. Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first. Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve. Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas? Chandler: Can I finish my story?! Monica: Do you want me to pick you?! Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that. (Chandler motions to Monica that he'll give her two babies.) Monica: Continue. Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve's doctor's name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, 'Doctor Monkey?' And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.) Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I'm a doctor, and I had a monkey. I'm Doctor Monkey! Chandler: I'm not arguing with that. Monica: All right, I've heard enough. I've made my decision. (Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.) Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it's offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn't be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks! (Monica leaves the room) Ross: It's your joke. Chandler: Is not. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she's lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.] Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are. Chandler: Hi, oh hi. Monica: Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don't you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance? (Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.) Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and-(He falters and Monica prompts him.)-generosity of spirit. Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard. Phoebe: Really? I've heard better. Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler. Chandler: (To Chandler) I'm out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again? Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler! Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You're a little high maintenance. Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list. Chandler: I'm sorry. You're not easy-going, but you're passionate, and that's good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I'm pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that's good too. So, they can say that you're high maintenance, but it's okay, because I like ... maintaining you. Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn't even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you're off my list. Chandler: (happily) I'm off the list. (Sits on the couch.) Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it's okay that you don't want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend. Phoebe: (to Monica) Y'know, suddenly I find you very attractive. (Joey enters.) Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how'd the audition go? Joey: Not good, no. I didn't get the part, and I lost my job here, so ... Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition. Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here? Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me. Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you've been working here two days? That's not, that's not right. Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do? Rachel: Joey, you can't let him get away with that. Ya know what, I'm not going to let him get away with that. I'm going to say something to him-No, I really shouldn't say anything-No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him... Gunther: Okay. Rachel: What? Gunther: He can have his job back. Rachel: That's right, he can have his job back. I'm glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back. Joey: That's great. Thanks Rach. Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who's a pushover? Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you're in my seat. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. (Gets up and moves.) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.] Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend. Monica: I pick you, Phoebe. Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought. (Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.) (Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.) Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick? Ross: No way. Joey: I'm not answering that. Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I'm not answering that.

Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who is upset when Playboy prints Ross' joke? A: Joey; Q: Who takes a waiter job at Central Perk? A: Gunther; Q: Who fires Joey? A: Rachel; Q: Who defends Joey when he is fired? A: a girlfriend; Q: Phoebe says she would choose Rachel over Monica as what? A: high-maintenance; Q: Phoebe says Monica is what? A: a pushover; Q: Phoebe says Rachel is what? A: tension; Q: What is caused between the girls? Summary: Chandler is upset when Playboy prints Ross' joke; both claim they originated the joke. Meanwhile, Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk. When Gunther fires him when he closes the shop to go to an audition, Rachel defends him. Phoebe says she would choose Rachel over Monica as a girlfriend because Monica is high-maintenance, but also says that Rachel is a pushover, causing tension between the girls.

[INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Camera pans to Nathan sitting in a room, alone, with a black backdrop. He is looking straight into the camera.) NATHAN: (Sighs) So you want me to tell you something about myself? (Shakes his head slightly and shrugs.) I don't have anything to say. Even if I did,... you'd be wrong to believe me. (Pause) Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY} (Camera pans down from the sky. Students are roaming the grounds of the school.) PAST TEACHER: (v.o) What does a young fella like you do for- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY] (A TV is on in the classroom and a black and white video is being played. The date behind the boy in a Tree Hill jersey is 1955.) PAST TEACHER: -recreational activity? PAST STUDENT: Well... (Smiles) I like athletics,... horsing around with my pals. (The camera pans across the class as they watch the tape. Nathan has his arms crossed, annoyed. Lucas is almost lying on his arm and other kids show varying signs of boredom.) PAST STUDENT: I suppose most of the fellas like to chase girls. (Grins) (The class laughs.) PAST TEACHER: And does that go for you too? (Camera focuses on Brooke as she smiles fondly.) PAST STUDENT: Ah, no sir- (Cut to Jake as he sits watching. He seems to be the only one truly interested, with the exception of Brooke.) PAST STUDENT: -I have a steady girl. (Cut to Peyton.) PAST STUDENT: Some kids find it difficult; having a steady. (Nathan glares.) I don't. (Camera focuses on Mouth.) PAST STUDENT: I guess the key is, just finding someone who feels the same way you do. (Whitey switches the TV off and adjusts the blinds, letting light in.) WHITEY: In 1955, (Walks to the front of the class.) students at Tree Hill High School created a... time capsule which was to be opened in fifty years. They were simply asked to... talk about their lives. (He grins at the class.) WHITEY: Isn't it interesting how things haven't changed much? (Brooke is still smiling.) WHITEY: Within the next week, each of you will go into our... converted supply closet... push the green button in front of you... (The camera pans around the class.) and videotape your thoughts. NATHAN: (Annoyed) Do we have to? WHITEY: (Surprisingly mild.) Yes, you have to. (Nathan blinks and looks away.) WHITEY: I won't see it. Nobody will. Not until twenty fifty-five; by which time, I'll be dead and buried. (The bell rings. People pick up their bags and get up.) WHITEY: Nate, you got a second? NATHAN: No. (Without missing a beat, he walks out of the classroom.) (Whitey heads to Lucas instead.) WHITEY: Are you looking after him? LUCAS: (Watches Nathan before turning back to Whitey, bothered.) I'm trying. (Whitey stays put as the class filters out. He sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - DAY] (Peyton walks to her paint-less locker - standing out amongst the rest - and works the combination, opening it.) JAKE: (o.s) I need to move out. (Peyton turns to Jake who is walking up behind her.) PEYTON: What?(!) JAKE: (Stops in front of her.) (Regretfully) I'm gonna move back in with my folks. PEYTON: Why, coz we... (Having a slight problem saying the word.) kissed? JAKE: (Hands in pockets.) Well... yeah! (She gapes for a beat before looking down.) PEYTON: OK, you know what- JAKE: And I wanna ask you out, Friday night. (Peyton looks at him, expressionless, before a smile tugs at her.) JAKE: I talked to Karen. She agreed to watch Jenny. (Peyton smiles.) PEYTON: (Whispering) Oh. (Nods) Well, that kinda presumptuous, don't you think? JAKE: I don't know, you tell me. (She laughs.) JAKE: Oh, and... (He leans in.) by the way... (Into her ear.) you smell insanely good today. (He smiles and walks away. Peyton doesn't know how to respond and turns away, embarrassed.) PEYTON: Hey! Um... (He looks back.) Friday night - eight o'clock. (Smiles) JAKE: (Nods) Eight o'clock. (Walks away.) (Peyton opens her locker with a grin, looks back once, and grabs her books.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (A finger reaches out and pushes the green button. A red light turns on.) PEYTON: (Sits and looks directly into the camera nervously.) OK, first-off, I wanna say happy sixty-seventh birthday to Peyton Sawyer. (Nods and grins.) You were pretty cool back in the day. Um... (Giggles) and to... Jenny Jagielski, who is... (Cuts off as she thinks for a bit.) wow, um, like in her fifties now. Uh... your dad... sure loves you. (Smiles and nods.) (Inhales) Plus, he's a total fox. (Her eyes widen - a wicked, playful, gleam in her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - DAY] (The camera is focussed on the sky.) KAREN: (o.s) I'm not gonna let him out-fox me. (Pan down to Karen and Andy walking along outside, holding hands. Andy looks down at her.) KAREN: My lawyer called. The state requires a mediation before they'll let me remove Lucas from Dan's care. (Laughs grimly.) But you know what, I'm not gonna let him rattle me. I will present my case... calmly... and rationally... and let justice prevail. ANDY: (Nods) Well you're wise to use the system. (Karen smiles.) But just in case, (Smirks) I mad some calls. (They stop walking.) KAREN: (Smiling) And...? ANDY: (Shrugs) Well, if Dan's the man I think he is,... my guy should have something soon. (They exchange smiles. Karen kisses him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY] (Lucas approaches Brooke.) LUCAS: What's up, Ms. President? BROOKE: (Smiles) Please don't remind me. It was really fun to win and all but now I actually have to do something. What was I thinking? LUCAS: Ah, you were thinking that you'd be great at this and... everyone who voted for you, including me, was thinking the same thing. (Brooke makes a noise of approval and Lucas laughs.) LUCAS: But... (Lifts the hand carrying a big silver bag.) I got you something. A present... for the president. BROOKE: A present(!) Maybe this was a good idea. What did I get? (Lucas pulls out a big book.) LUCAS: It's the book (Hands it to her.) where I found the quote for you. (She looks at the cover, the title is 'Familiar Quotations'.) There's a lotta... great stuff on leadership in there. (Brooke opens the front cover.) BROOKE: Oh... Lucas, thank you, it's perfect. LUCAS: I also thought you'd like these too. (Holds open the bag for her.) (Brooke pulls out some magazines. Anna and Felix are seen in the background.) BROOKE: I am so warming up to being the president! FELIX: (He and Anna finally reach Brooke and Lucas.) There's my girrrrl! (Holds out his arms.) BROOKE: Boyfriend, (Hugs him.) hi. How was your cruise? FELIX: Oh, it sucked(!) Wasted time away from you. (Grins) (Lucas looks away, shaking his head.) BROOKE: Yeah, even the topless beach? (Felix looks at his sister.) FELIX: Imagine the buzz kill when I found my sister there. (Laughs with Brooke and shakes his head.) (Anna smiles but it's very forced.) FELIX: (Indicating the magazines.) What's this? BROOKE: Oh, Lucas got me a gift; for being the president. FELIX: (Feeling threatened, looks at Lucas.) A gift, huh? (Lucas doesn't move.) FELIX: (Pause) Well I was gonna wait and surprise you but what the hell, I'm throwing my baby a party to celebrate; Friday night. (Lucas looks away again, annoyed.) BROOKE: A... party with... presents? (Hopefully) FELIX: You know it. BROOKE: OH, I so love being the freaking president! (Felix laughs, puts his arm around her and looks Lucas up and down in disgust.) LUCAS: (Ignoring him.) Well, look, congrats again, Brooke. (Gives her the bag.) (Brooke takes it with a smile.) LUCAS: (Looking at Anna and Brooke.) See ya later. BROOKE: Thanks, Luke. (Lucas smiles at her and walks away. Anna watches him.) ANNA: Uh, OK, I'll... let you guys... (Makes various hand gestures.) make out and... (Waves her hand a bit and walks away.) (Felix looks down at Brooke and laughs. She smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Anna sits in front of the black backdrop, looking directly into the camera.) ANNA: My name is Anna Tagaro and I'm a junior at Tree Hill High... and... (She struggles slightly.) since it's twenty fifty-five, I guess it's OK to say that... I'm bisexual. (There is a very long pause.) Although, if I still haven't found the nerve to come out to my friends and family... by twenty fifty-five,... (Smiles tightly and shrugs.) surprise(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NEW HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Close-up of Keith's smiling face.) KEITH: Surprise! (Jules walks through the doorway, looking around wearily.) JULES: Keith,... what is this? (The place is empty with white walls and highly polished, wooden floors.) KEITH: This, my beautiful bride-to-be, (Holds his arms out.) is your new home. JULES: You bought a house?(!) (Keith nods.) JULES: Keith, (Looks around again.) you can't just buy me a house, this is too much(!) KEITH: It's not too much. The truth is - it's not nearly enough. (Jules stares.) KEITH: I love you, Jules. (He kisses her on the cheek and Jules continues to stare, wide-eyed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAY] (Nathan walks around the dealership in his jumpsuit, holding a rag.) DAN: Nate? (Nathan stops and turns to his father.) DAN: How ya been? NATHAN: (Shrugs) Drunk, bitter,... (Smirks) kinda like mom. (Dan laughs slightly.) DAN: Listen, I wanna apologise to you, son, man to man. (Smiles) It was a hell of a punch you hit me with. (Nathan sighs and nods, Dan does too.) DAN: Guess I probably had it coming. (Nathan nods and turns, uninterestedly.) NATHAN: (Almost to himself.) OK. DAN: Hey, (Nathan stops again.) don't shut me out, or your brother. Especially since we're all working together now. (Lucas walks out from behind - on cue - with a clipboard and the exactly the same jumpsuit as Nathan's. He's writing something down. Nathan turns his head and sees Lucas. They all look at each other and Nathan scoffs.) NATHAN: Nice try, dad. It's not that easy. (Dan glares.) I quit. (He throws his rag at his father.) (Dan catches it, Nathan walks out and Lucas watches him with a sigh. He turns to glare at Dan some more.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Lucas sits in front of the camera, staring straight at it.) LUCAS: My best friend, Haley, left town recently. (Pauses as he thinks.) And it's... been hard. You know,... until this year, it's-it's always been us against the world. (Smiles fondly.) We pretty much grew up together and... now she's just gone. (Pause) You know, I... I understand the leaving part. Trust me,... (Laughs sardonically.) I just wish she woulda called me; before she left. (Nods) I wish... I coulda talked to her about it. (Pause) I mean, not to change her mind... or to tell her what to do, but,... just to say (Smiles and shakes his head.) I love you... and I miss you. (Pause as the emotion is wiped from his face.) Just to say goodbye. (Lucas stares into the camera for a long time.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Lucas opens the apartment door and enters.) LUCAS: Nathan? (Nathan stops his endeavours to turn to his brother. He's in the process of painting the opposite wall bright pink.) LUCAS: (Looking at the wall critically.) What're you doing? NATHAN: (Slightly crazy.) Haley hates pink(!) (Lucas crosses his arms.) LUCAS: Yeah, so? (Nathan paints over the picture of Haley - that Peyton painted for the after-wedding party - in the same pink. Lucas wants to stop him but there's nothing he can say.) LUCAS: Look, Nate. (Nathan stops and looks at what he's done.) LUCAS: Haley's my best friend. (Pause) You know, I know it's not the same but... (Nathan picks up a picture frame that is facing the wall.) I get what you're going through. (Nathan turns the picture and hangs it up, covering Haley's picture. It is of a freakishly big clown.) LUCAS: (Confused) A clown. NATHAN: Yeah. (Turns to Lucas and shrugs.) They creep her out. (Lucas is worried about his brother's sanity.) LUCAS: Man, you gotta call her. NATHAN: I did that. (Pause) (Coldly) I got her voicemail. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Nathan is sitting in front of the camera again, looking at it.) NATHAN: Voicemail; I hope you don't still got that crap. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Brooke sits on Peyton's bed with a big smirk.) BROOKE: So you're having s*x with Jake Jagielski tonight. PEYTON: (Walking out of her closet with a top.) (Threateningly) Brooke, it's our first date(!) BROOKE: Please(!) You are sharing a bed, you have history, (Peyton looks down.) he's clearly experienced; see 'Skanky Ho', otherwise known as Nikki... (Peyton laughs and Brooke smiles accordingly.) BROOKE: Seriously though; s*x. You. Tonight. (Peyton looks down. Brooke stands up.) I have to go. (Brooke heads for the door.) PEYTON: Wait. (Brooke smiles and turns. Peyton holds up the tops.) PEYTON: Which one? BROOKE: (Lists off quickly.) Black bra, black sweater, leather jacket, Calvin's, condoms, (Squints) underwear; optional. (Peyton lowers her arms exasperatedly.) BROOKE: Have fun(!) (Continues her journey to the door.) PEYTON: Brooke. (Brooke turns her head back.) PEYTON: ...You don't think I'm crazy for wanting to take it slow, do you? BROOKE: (Hand on hip.) No. (Pause) I don't think you're crazy. (Peyton's unsure.) Now he might. (Peyton raises her eyebrows worriedly.) You'll be fine; you've got good hips. (Peyton scoffs. Brooke looks at her before she exits.) BROOKE: I'll see you at the party(!) (Brooke manages to leave this time.) (Peyton raises her hand in leaving, still worried.) PEYTON: (v.o) Fifty years, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Extreme close-up of Peyton's face. She laughs.) PEYTON: OK. Well, if you're young and you're watching this, uh,... you guys know what you're up against, especially if you're a girl, it's... (Reservedly) s*x, right, and,... and even fifty years from now, I'm guessing it's still a really big deal. You know, it's awkward... and... threatening... and thrilling. (Pause) But, in a way, it's like s*x is the easy part. You know, it's... giving your heart to somebody; that's the scary part. (She stares at the camera, smiling unsurely.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDIATION ROOM - DAY] (Dan sits at the table with Karen, Lucas and Karen's lawyer. He has a grotesquely smug look about him.) DAN: Trust me. (The camera zooms out.) DAN: (To Karen's lawyer.) I understand this mediation's a formality. (Camera zooms out to show everybody present in the room.) But in my defence, I'm providing a safe and stable environment for Lucas; two parent, loving. (Camera cuts to Karen, she's just holding back from shouting.) DAN: That said, I understand, sometimes, things aren't always as they appear. (Karen takes a deep, claming breath.) DAN: Your name is Roger? DOUG: Doug. DAN: (Smiles smarmily.) Doug. (Lucas shakes his head. Karen holds herself from sighing.) DAN: Doug,... I'm not sure there's a courtroom in the country that'd have a problem with the home I've made for my firstborn son. DOUG: (Not bothering to look at him. Reads his papers instead.) Yeah, of course, Dan. Uh, but, I do have a couple of questions. DAN: (Kissing @#%$.) Um-hum. DOUG: Can you tell my why you've never paid any child support to Karen (Karen looks away.) or offered any financial help for Lucas. (Lucas looks away.) DAN: I did offer. (Karen glares at him.) But, uh, Lucas' mother forbid my involvement; financially and otherwise. DOUG: (Floored) I see... (Looks back down at his papers.) KAREN: (Suddenly) @#%$! (Dan looks at Karen, as does Lucas.) DOUG: I'm sorry? KAREN: (Can't take it anymore.) (Calmly) He's an @#%$. DOUG: (Looks between the pair.) OK. KAREN: I didn't take his money because to him, money is power (Looks back at his calculating face.) and power is control. (Facing Dan.) AND HE WOULD HAVE USED IT IN THE SAME MANIPULATIVE MANNER THAT HE ALWAYS DOES! (Lucas looks away from his angry mother.) Lucas is my son! And he has been every day of his life and there's not a COURT IN THIS COUNTRY, DAN, THAT'S GONNA FALL FOR YOUR... @#%$ OF A SUIT AND YOUR... (Off his smile.) CROOKED-@#%$ SMILE AND YOUR... ASSY FRAT BOY HAIRCUT! (Karen is just about holding it together. Lucas sighs. Dan continues to smile. Karen finally lets emotion take over as she sighs sadly. Doug processes the scene.) DOUG: Lucas? (Lucas looks at him.) Where do you wanna live? (Dan turns his smirking face to them. Lucas is caught. Karen looks at her son, praying silently.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Karen enters the house and shuts the door. Andy is in the living room with Jenny, holding a toy close to her. The door slams.) ANDY: Whoa, we got a baby here. KAREN: (Desolately) (Sighs) I'm-I'm sorry. I lost track of the time. ANDY: (Smiles) That's alright. (Looks down at Jenny.) Me and Jenny have been bonding, hey? (Shakes the toy on front of her.) (Karen tries to laugh but she's holding back tears. Andy looks up at her before lowering Jenny into her crib.) ANDY: (To Jenny.) Come on. You go to sleep. (Looks up at Karen.) How'd it go? KAREN: (Breaking) ...He chose his father(!) (She starts to cry and rushes out of the room. Andy follows her.) ANDY: Hey. (She stops.) (Karen has a hand over her mouth as she cries. Andy reaches out to her and puts his hands on her shoulders, slightly uncomfortably.) ANDY: We're gonna fix this. (Karen turns to him.) ANDY: I promise you. (She cries as he hugs her.) ANDY: I promise. KAREN: (Whispers as she inhales hard.) Oh, God(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARO RESIDENCE - HALLWAY - EVENING] (The party is raging. There are empty cups everywhere and people milling about. Brooke walks around looking, for once, intimidated at a party, especially in one thrown for her. She has her hands in her pockets.) FELIX: Hey, that's my girl! BROOKE: (Fake smile.) Hi(!) So,... (Pulls him into a room.) I love a party... but... do I know any of these people? FELIX: (Looks around.) Sure. Look, (Points) there's Mouth. (Mouth is sitting on a table, a drunk girl on either side. He stands and walks, over a wasted guy, to them.) MOUTH: Hi. (Continues walking.) BROOKE: (Confused) Hey. So... everybody looks... really drunk. FELIX: Nah, most of them are just stoned. (Brooke gapes.) FELIX: Come on. (Makes to leave the room.) BROOKE: Um,... (Felix stops and turns.) you go. (Felix frowns.) I'm gonna... find a drink. FELIX: Uh, OK. In the tub. (Her smile is strained as she watches him retreat. She gives him a thumbs-up. Felix winks and leaves.) FELIX: (Bumps into a girl.) Oh, sorry. (Brooke walks around slowly and nervously as she searches for somebody she knows. She hears laughing and people chanting in the background. Her eyes widen in shock.) (Erica is dressed how you'd expect Brooke to dress. She's drunk and holding a tube with a section at the top where beer is poured.) BROOKE: (dumfounded) Erica Marsh? (Erica yells drunkenly and slaps the hand of a guy.) BROOKE: ERICA?! (Erica turns to her unsteadily.) ERICA MARSH: Oh, Brooke, congratulations! (Holds up the beer-bong.) (Erica giggles and suddenly, Brooke seems to be the most rational person at the party - for once.) BROOKE: Do you... drink? ERICA MARSH: (Looks at the bong.) I do now. Besides, you said I should find other activities. (Waves the bong about.) BROOKE: Yeah, I meant, like,... pep-club... not... beer-bong club. (Erica laughs.) GUY: Come one, Marsh, we're doing shots! ERICA MARSH: (Holding her arms up.) Whoooo! BROOKE: Who is that guy? ERICA MARSH: I dunno, but he called me by my last name. I mean, how great is that?(!) (Brooke nods speechlessly as Erica walks away.) (Nathan walks into the room behind her.) BROOKE: (Turning to him as he looks around the room.) Nate, thank you for coming. NATHAN: Whatever, I just ran out of alcohol. (He walks away and Brooke just wonders at the mess her friends are.) (Cut to somewhere in another room. Lucas, Mouth, Anna and Tim are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room.) MOUTH: What'd you seal in the time capsule, Luke? LUCAS: ...Nothing, really. (Frowns and shakes his head.) I didn't have much to say. TIM: (Drinking) I did. (Everyone looks at him.) What?(!) It's important. Some day the kids are gonna need to know the truth about how I really was. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Tim stands with one foot on the stool, the other on the ground and looks into the camera. He's leaning on his leg.) TIM: Pretty much been with all the hot girls; freshmen, seniors. (Nods) Yeah, it's good times. Currently I'm dating, um,... Brooke Davis. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARO RESIDENCE - ROOM - EVENING] (Brooke sits with the group.) BROOKE: (To Tim.) What's with you? TIM: (Nervously) Nothing. (Lucas frowns at him, as does Brooke.) MOUTH: We were just talking about the time capsule; about what we said. (Brooke rolls her eyes.) BROOKE: Does it really matter? By the time they open that thing, we're gonna be old. (Lucas laughs.) MOUTH: Maybe not. Sometimes they open time capsules early; when a building moves or there's a fire. (Anna looks at Mouth worriedly.) (Shrugs) You never know. (Nathan walks into the room with a blue cup. Lucas stands and attempts to converse with him.) LUCAS: Hey(!) (Nathan turns to him.) NATHAN: Nice wheels outside. Gift from daddy? (He smiles at Lucas. When he doesn't say anything, Nathan turns and leaves.) ANNA: (From behind.) How's Nathan? LUCAS: (Turns) Uh,... (Sighs) not good. ANNA: Well, I know it's none of my business but that's your jacket in Felix's room, right? LUCAS: (Nonplussed) Yeah. ANNA: Well,... Nathan was going through the pockets a few minutes ago. (Lucas pauses as he realises what Nathan's done.) LUCAS: (Turning) Thanks. (He leaves the room.) MOUTH: (Coming up behind Anna.) What's going on? ANNA: Brother stuff. Hey, Mouth, you're like, in the AV club or whatever, right? MOUTH: Media club, yeah. (Looks down smiling.) ANNA: Well,... I said something in the time capsule that I need to erase. (Expectantly) You think you could help me do it? Like,... tonight? MOUTH: You mean break into the school? (Anna shrugs. Mouth is hesitant.) MOUTH: Anna, I can't. ANNA: Mouth, haven't you ever done something that you wished you could take back? (Mouth looks at Brooke who is looked very bored.) MOUTH: (Turning back.) Sure. (Nods) Not too long ago, actually. ANNA: What if you had the chance to erase it? (Mouth inhales and nods as he gives in.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TAGARO RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY - EVENING] (Nathan walks down the lawn with his drink and Lucas' car keys. Lucas is walking up behind him, quickly, and they head for the car.) LUCAS: Hey, Nathan! (Nathan drinks and ignores him.) LUCAS: Nathan, stop! (Nathan walks around the car to the driver's side and opens the door. Lucas walks to the front of the car.) NATHAN: (Pointing) Move or I'll run you over(!) (Nathan gets in.) (Lucas puts his hands on the bonnet.) LUCAS: Give me the keys! (Nathan grins and starts the engine. Lucas hurries around and opens the passenger side of the car, getting in also. Nathan guns the engine.) LUCAS: Nathan, you've been drinking. NATHAN: You just better hold on. (Guns the engine some more.) (Nathan takes off, fast.) LUCAS: (Calmly) Pull the car over, Nate. (Nathan shakes his head and takes another swig.) LUCAS: (Annoyed) Hey, don't be a dick and drink drunk! NATHAN: (Frowning) I'm not even buzzed(!) LUCAS: (Nodding at the drink.) It's still an open container. NATHAN: Fine(!) (There's a beat before Nathan throws the cup out of the car. Conveniently, it smashes right onto the windshield of a cop car. The window wipers sway and they turn their lights on. One cop looks back and the car takes off after them.) (Nathan carries on driving, laughing along. Lucas looks back.) NATHAN: (Laughing) Huh, god I love my life! Think we can outrun them? LUCAS: Look, just pull over. Don't make it worse(!) NATHAN: Alright, Luke. Seeing as how I've already been arrested once this year, (Smirks) It's been nice knowing ya. (Nathan pulls over. The police car stops behind them and the cops get out, shining their flashlights at the car. They reach the sides and shine their lights in. Lucas and Nathan have switched places - somehow.) NATHAN: (Looks at the cops and smiles.) Evening officer. Buy us some beer? (Lucas smiles tightly.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Jake is sitting in front of the camera, looking at us.) JAKE: OK, so,... I'm a single father... and... until recently, a high school dropout... and... I'm going on my first date since my daughter was born... (Pauses as he considers.) Am I a great catch or what?(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVER WALK - EVENING] (Jake and Peyton walk down the street.) JAKE: You warm enough? PEYTON: (Nods and smiles.) Um-hum. JAKE: That's good. Coz I had to call in a few favours to get the breeze just right. (Peyton makes a noise of wonder.) JAKE: (Nods) Um-hum. How bout the stars? (Looks up.) I told them not to go too heavy so they didn't look all 'Movie Moment'. You know, more than a million less than a billion. (Peyton makes various sounds of approval.) PEYTON: (Amusedly) Right, you know, you wouldn't think just a stroll down the river would take so much planning(!) JAKE: What are you kidding?(!) Romantic lighting, (Peyton laughs out loud.) couple scattered about, music in the distance. PEYTON: Hmmm, you're just lucky I'm a cheap date. JAKE: Yeah, I know. (Peyton laughs and looks down.) JAKE: And I am lucky,... (She smiles and they look at each other.) to be with you tonight. (Camera cuts to their hands intertwining.) JAKE: (Lifting their clasped hands.) You know, some guys charge extra for hand holding. PEYTON: (Turns and grins.) You know, some girls charge extra for this. (She pulls him forward and kisses him.) (Fade out to a full-shot of them kissing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELLS - EVENING] (The jail door closes noisily. Nathan and Lucas are in the same jail. Lucas smirks as he watches them get locked in.) LUCAS: Perfect(!) (Walks away from the door.) LUCAS: Nice work, jack-hole(!) (Nathan's lying on the bed in another part of the cell.) NATHAN: (Sighs) Hey, you're the one who was driving. LUCAS: (Laughs harshly as he leans against the bars, his back to Nathan.) Yeah(!) You either thank me, or shut up(!) NATHAN: Whatever. I didn't ask to you take the fall. (Lucas sees a phone that has no right being inside of a jail cell. He walks to it, reaches into his pockets and pulls out some quarters.) NATHAN: (Sarcastically) Hey, call for a pizza. I'm starving. LUCAS: (Counting money.) Oh, you're hilarious. Someone's gotta bail us out. NATHAN: No problem; call my wife. Oh, wait a minute, scratch that. (Lucas looks down dejectedly. Nathan glares at anything - which in this case, happens to be the ceiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - EVENING] (Mouth looks around the side of the wall, wearing a ski mask. Anna appears above him. She looks around and then down at him with a sigh.) ANNA: Mouth, I really- (Takes the mask off.) I don't think this mask is necessary. (Mouth stands and looks at her.) MOUTH: I just don't want to get into trouble. I've never done anything like this before, you know? (They open the door to the converted supply closet. Mouth turns the light on. He looks at the huge machine that is the store of their time capsule and sighs.) ANNA: What do you think? Can you erase it? MOUTH: I don't know. I gotta figure out if I can take this thing apart first. (Takes his backpack off.) Here, there's a coffee machine in the teachers lounge (Gives her some money.) this might take a while. (Removes his coat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Andy dangles a teabag over his mug.) ANDY: So it'll take a little longer than you thought. (Looks at Karen.) But Lucas will come around. KAREN: (Thinks) He was like a stranger today. He actually chose Dan over me(!) ANDY: Karen, come on. There's more to this than meets the eye. You know that. KAREN: Well then he's lying to me... and he should trust me Andy. I mean, what's next, life of crime? (Andy picks his mug up and drinks. The phone rings. Karen starts and walks to it.) KAREN: (Answering) Hello! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] LUCAS: Hey, mom. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Karen looks confused.) LUCAS: (Through the phone.) Mom, uh, look, don't freak out- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] (Lucas is holding the phone with his fingertips.) LUCAS: -OK, but I'm in jail... and I need you to bail me out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] KAREN: (Worriedly) What-what happened? Is it Dan?! (Andy turns to look at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] LUCAS: No. No, mom, its not. It's... (Pauses) I was with Nathan (Cut to Nathan who shifts slightly, listening.) and we had some beer in the car. KAREN: (Through the phone.) Lucas, Listen- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] KAREN: -are you OK? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] LUCAS: Yeah, we're fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Karen nods.) KAREN: OK, you got a quarter in your pocket? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] LUCAS: (Baffled) ...Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] KAREN: Good, call the father you love so much. (She slams the phone down hard enough to break it - it doesn't. She turns to Andy who looks away. She sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] (Lucas lowers the phone. Nathan looks at him.) NATHAN: What happened? LUCAS: (Incredulously) She's not coming. NATHAN: (Puts his head back on the pillow and looks at the ceiling.) Wow,... even you own mom can't stand you. (Lucas looks at some bricks sadly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - EVENING] (Mouth plugs his laptop into a connection on the wall. He lifts the screen and Tim is on it. Mouth presses 'space' and his recording plays.) TIM: See, what else, um,... oh yeah, there's this new girl, Anna, who's into me but... I'm all 'girl,... be patient, (Mouth grins.) you know, 'The Tim' will get to you eventually'. (Anna gapes at Mouth.) ANNA: What did he just say?(!) (Mouth quickly pauses the recording.) MOUTH: OK, I think I got it. ANNA: (Holding coffee cups.) Did that creepy Tim guy say I was into him? MOUTH: Um... (Nods) sorta. ANNA: OK, first of all; gross, (Mouth laughs.) second; we shouldn't be watching these. We're just here to erase mine. MOUTH: I know, you're right. Um... (He clicks around.) let me find it. (He fast forwards but plays when he gets to Brooke.) BROOKE: (Grinning self-consciously.) Let's see, in ten years, I'll probably be married to someone like Marvin McFadden. (Mouth freezes as he watches.) ANNA: Who's Marvin McFadden? (Mouth doesn't answer, he just watches the screen, shocked.) BROOKE: Of course, you all probably call him Senator McFadden or something... but, we just call him Mouth. (Mouth pauses it.) MOUTH: It would be really wrong to watch this, right? ANNA: ...Maybe just a... couple of minutes. MOUTH: ...Two minutes, tops(!) (Anna mouths 'OK' and turns to set the cups down as Mouth grabs a chair.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Payton and Jake enter the bedroom.) JAKE: (Leaning against the doorjamb.) Well I know tonight's date was kind of ... PEYTON: (Takes her coat off.) Perfect? JAKE: ...Yeah. Well,... I guess this is goodnight. (Points back.) PEYTON: Well, it wouldn't have to be if you were still staying here. (Grins) JAKE: OK, that's not fair. The only reason I moved out is because if I stayed here- (Peyton walks to him.) PEYTON: (Nods) Uh-huh JAKE: -we'd. (She kisses him.) JAKE: Never. Stop. Doing. That. PEYTON: (Nods) Uh-huh. That's a... that's a problem (Pokes him in the chest.) why? (Pause as Peyton questions and Jake thinks.) JAKE: ...Right. (Peyton nods.) PEYTON: Uh-huh. JAKE: I guess I can move back in, huh? (Peyton nods.) JAKE: Come here. (He grabs her and kisses her. They fall back onto the bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARO RESIDENCE - PARTY - EVENING] (A guy is carrying Erica who is draped over him, completely plastered. Brooke sees him and stands quickly.) BROOKE: Whoa, no(!) (To the guy.) Whoa, is she OK? GUY: (Slightly drunk too.) She's good. She's good. It's cool. I got her. BROOKE: (Aware) I don't think so, buddy. It's Rosey Pom for you tonight, kay? (She takes Erica's arm and puts it over her shoulder.) Go away. Go away. (He leaves.) (To Erica.) Come here. Whoa, Erica? (Makes Erica face her.) Er-Erica? ERICA MARSH: (Almost unconscious.) It's Marsh. Call me Marsh. (Breaths on Brooke.) BROOKE: (Turning away at the smell.) Oh, OK Marsh. Let's get you home, OK? Come here, come on, I got you. Whoa, there we go. (They struggle as they leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] (Lucas is sitting at one end of the jail while Nathan lies at the other. Nathan laughs.) LUCAS: (Hand on head.) What is so funny? (Nathan gets off the bed.) NATHAN: You. What, do you need me to, uh, connect the dots for you? LUCAS: I just need you to shut up(!) NATHAN: When I first met you, I figured the best way to hurt you was to take Haley away. (Lucas looks away, uninterested.) Now she's gone, isn't she? LUCAS: And is it any wonder she left a stroke like you? (Nathan looks away.) (Maliciously) Look at yourself, you're pathetic(!) NATHAN: Oh, I'm pathetic? You're chasing after a father who doesn't even want you and I'm pathetic?(!) (Walks to his brother.) LUCAS: (Rolls his eyes exasperatedly.) Would you just let it go!? Why are you so threatened by that?! (Nathan doesn't answer.) LUCAS: Afraid daddy will like me more than you? NATHAN: (Shrugs) You mean kinda how he liked my mom better than yours? LUCAS: (Pissed as he stands.) No,... I mean kinda like how your wife likes Chris better than you(!) (Nathan punches Lucas. Lucas tries to hit back but Nathan's too quick for him and can't get one in edgewise.) OFFICER: (o.s) Hey! Hey, you two, stop! (A bell rings.) (They struggle and Lucas pushes Nathan against the bars and punches him. Nathan drives Lucas into the opposite bars.) [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL BREAK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - EVENING] (Brooke looks into the camera.) BROOKE: So you're probably looking at this and making fun of my outfit, right? (Mouth and Brooke watch her on screen and laugh.) BROOKE: Anyway, (Laughs) here's all you really need to know about today; if... you fat, dumb, sexual, and a guy, you're OK. If you're a girl, (Shakes her head.) not so much. Please tell me that's changed in the future. ANNA: Don't bet on it. (Mouth looks at her.) BROOKE: Somebody tell me you've got love figured out, because I got news for you; it's pretty darn messy right now. (Shrugs) But I guess it's always been that way. Wanting to be loved, to find somebody that makes your heart ache in a good way... feel understood. (Anna nods and looks down.) So... if you're robots, or aliens, or something and you're watching this (Mouth smiles.) right now and that feeling no longer exists; well,... you missed it... and I feel sorry for you. (Smiles) Coz as far as I can tell, that's what it's all about. And that's what I know it should be about. (Mouth and Anna look at the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL JAIL - CELL - EVENING] (Lucas and Nathan are handcuffed to separate ends of the jail. A cop walks past them.) LUCAS: (Looking at his handcuff.) Dan wanted revenge on Keith. (Pause as Nathan looks at him.) That's why I'm staying with him. NATHAN: (Moves his cuffed hand about.) Revenge for what? LUCAS: Keith slept with your mom. (Nathan looks at Lucas and laughs. He has a cut upper lip.) LUCAS: It's true. NATHAN: Course it is(!) Nobody's faithful anymore, nobody can be trusted. LUCAS: (Sighs) Yeah, well, Dan also hired Jules to make Keith fall in love with her. NATHAN: (Looks at Lucas for a beat before laughing.) It's outstanding(!) What else you got? LUCAS: That's it. Stay with Dan,... Keith and Jules get to be happy. NATHAN: (Doesn't believe that.) Yeah, till she sings a duet... and goes on tour. (Turns away.) LUCAS: She's got a dream, Nate. NATHAN: No,... no, she left to be with Chris. (Sighs) She kissed him, before she left. (Lucas is floored.) LUCAS: I'm sorry. NATHAN: Well, that's what she said when I called her. LUCAS: I thought you said- NATHAN: I lied! (Pause) She said she was sorry. Said she loved me and it wasn't about Chris. She just... needs some time to figure everything out. (Nathan doesn't understand that.) You believe that? Because, if I love her... and if she loves me, (Shrugs) what's there to figure out? (Neither responds.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton and Jake are on her bed, kissing. The candle blows out. They both turn to look at it.) JAKE: Do you have ghosts? PEYTON: (Laughing) Only nice ones. (Laughs) There are matches in the top drawer. (Jake laughs and moves over to the side of the bed. He turns the lamp on and opens the top drawer.) JAKE: (Looking in.) Wow! PEYTON: (Pulling her top up.) What?(!) (Holds his hand up and there's a blurry shot of a line of condoms. Peyton gapes.) JAKE: So there are condoms in Tree Hill. (She looks at him and he grins.) PEYTON: (Moving over.) Oh, God, um, (Takes them.) those are... so not a plan. (Puts them back.) They've been there since- JAKE: (Cringing) Oh... PEYTON: What? JAKE: I just pictured you and Lucas. PEYTON: No! (Shakes her head.) No, no, no. I never slept with Lucas. Those are Nathan's. JAKE: (Nods) I just pictured that, too. PEYTON: (Embarrassed) OK, well stop picturing things coz it's not like that. It's... I'm not like that. I... I've only been with one guy and so I'm kinda freaking out a little bit, coz you're here. And... you're way more experience than I am, hence your daughter; Jenny. JAKE: (Quietly) Yeah. PEYTON: And,... It's still a big deal to me. JAKE: (Pauses) Come here. (She moves closer to him.) JAKE: I'm so happy to be with you right now. (Peyton smiles.) I mean, I could barely think straight most of the week. PEYTON: Yeah, me too. JAKE: Right then, listen to me. I haven't felt like this in forever... and... I know that I might lose cool points by saying this, but,... let's just... go slow. OK? PEYTON: (Beat before she nods.) OK. But... well it's just that you never really had any cool points. JAKE: What- PEYTON: (Laughs) But, baby,... (Nods) you do now. (He smiles and they kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL CHURCH - SEATS - EVENING] (Dan walks down between the seats. Jules is at the front, head bowed as she prays. Dan stops where she is.) DAN: (Looks slightly abashed.) Praying for a miracle? JULES: (Head straightens a bit.) I've decided to tell Keith the truth. (Turns her head to him.) I won't walk down the aisle before I do. (She turns back, depressed frown in place.) (Dan looks at the front of the church before sitting behind her.) DAN: Well, (Jules wipes her eye.) maybe you won't have to. (Pause as she looks straight.) DAN: I don't know, Jules. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age,... maybe it's this church. (Looks around.) Or just seeing you two crazy kids in love... but I think I'll just let this one go. (Jules turns to him again.) DAN: Keith doesn't ever have to know. JULES: If I do what? DAN: Nothing. Call it my wedding gift. JULES: ...I don't believe you. (Dan stands and hovers above her.) DAN: I've kept my word so far, haven't I? (Jules looks at him worriedly as he leaves the seats. His back's to her as his phone rings. He takes it out.) JULES: (Disgusted) You couldn't turn your cellphone off in a church?(!) DAN: It might be God. (He smiles and walks away as he answers the phone.) (The camera pans back to Jules as she looks extremely worried.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - EVENING] (Mouth shuts his laptop and looks at Anna.) MOUTH: OK, Anna. I have it cued up. I didn't watch it. (Anna smiles gratefully.) You just need to press this button to start it and stop, OK? (Anna nods. Mouth walks to the door.) ANNA: Do you wanna know what I said? MOUTH: (Shakes his head.) You don't have to. ANNA: (Rushing on.) I said I was bisexual. (Mouth looks at her and nods.) ANNA: It's just... I thought it would feel liberating,... but, it didn't. Instead, I just,... ended up here. (Laughs) Back in the closet. MOUTH: (Shrugs) Then why'd you tell me? ANNA: I don't know. I guess it's easier to tell one person than it is to tell your whole world. (Mouth smiles and nods. He reaches for the door, closing it behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Erica is lying, unconscious, on Brooke's bed while Brooke types away on her laptop, her back to Erica. The camera pans from Erica's legs to her head and she jerks awake, sitting up.) BROOKE: (Grinning, she doesn't even need to turn.) You're OK; just go with the bed spins. (Twirls her finger.) (Erica looks around, confused.) BROOKE: It's me. (Turns and holds her hand up, laughing.) Pick the one in the middle. (Erica shakes her head.) ERICA MARSH: What happened? BROOKE: (Turns back to her laptop, amused.) You got a little sideways. I brought you home. ERICA MARSH: (Hand to her head.) This your room? BROOKE: (Nods) Yeah. ERICA MARSH: It's nice. BROOKE: (Smiles and shrugs.) Well it was until my parents sold everything. Last week they sold one of the 'O's in my first name, so now I'm officially 'Broke' Davis. (Erica frowns and looks away uncomfortably.) BROOKE: (Turns away awkwardly.) (To herself.) OK. (Brooke stands and walks to her bed, sitting on the end.) BROOKE: You hit it pretty hard tonight. ERICA MARSH: (Laughs) Yeah(!) Didn't you? BROOKE: (Shakes her head.) Not tonight. ERICA MARSH: How come? BROOKE: (Shrugs) Just didn't make sense for once. So instead I carted you here then, (Looks at her laptop.) came up with a pretty killer idea for a safe-ride's program. (Looks back at Erica.) Your cab will be here soon. You are my first client. ERICA MARSH: (Smiles) You're gonna make a great president. BROOKE: (Nods gratefully.) Thanks. (Erica nods for a beat before her face contorts and she looks set to throw-up.) BROOKE: (Quickly) Waste can, behind you. (Erica bends over and vomits into it. Brooke smiles kindly and looks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL JAIL - EXIT - EVENING] (Dan waits at the exit while Lucas and Nathan leave the jail side by side.) DAN: You should have your mail forwarded here. They give you the same cell as before? NATHAN: I don't know. (Shrugs) They redecorated. (Lucas sighs at the constant hostility between the pair.) DAN: (Smirks) Great(!) Make jokes. You know how much it's gonna cost me to get you two idiots out of this mess? NATHAN: Then don't! Alright? Don't cut any deals with me (Looks at Lucas.) like you did with Lucas. (Lucas looks at Nathan, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut. Dan stares, Nathan smirks.) (Nathan walks past Lucas. He stops at his father.) NATHAN: Oh, tell mom Keith says hi. (He continues past his father.) DAN: (Watches Nathan.) (To Lucas) You told him? LUCAS: Yeah, I did. DAN: (Conceding) You should have. You're brothers. (Looks at Lucas.) Go on. He could use a friend tonight. (Lucas looks at Dan, bemused, before nodding and walking past him.) LUCAS: (Stops and turns.) Thank you... (Dan looks at him.) dad. (Dan smiles and they nod. Lucas continues to walk away.) (Pan back up to Dan. Karen exits the jail and stops when she sees him. She's obviously hurt. Dan just smirks and leaves. Karen doesn't move, she stands and watches the place he was just occupying.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Peyton is in the closet, looking at the camera again.) PEYTON: I lost my way, a little bit, this year. But... lately it's been better. You know, um,... it's pretty amazing how... temptation can be silenced by a ray of hope. But... when the face to that hope is a boy's face, I guess, for me, hope comes with trust issues too. (She smiles tensely at the camera.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Shot of the pink paint tray and roller. The camera pans up to Nathan who is standing in front of his masterpiece. He sighs and his - never locked - front door opens. Lucas stands in the doorway.) LUCAS: She still loves you. You know? (Nathan looks to the side. He pauses but doesn't say anything.) LUCAS: Look,... it sucks... that she kissed Chris... but Haley married you. I kinda think that that wins out over some confused kiss. (Nathan looks down and turns to Lucas fully.) NATHAN: Maybe I was the confusing part for her. LUCAS: Nathan,... (Nathan looks away.) Haley fell for you when you were a different guy; a lesser guy. Maybe you should remember the real Haley, even when she's lesser, too. (Nathan looks at Lucas.) LUCAS: Let's get outta here, man. Come on, little brother. Let's go. (Nathan smiles and looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke is lying on her bed, reading the book Lucas gave her. Felix opens her door and enters. Brooke looks at him.) FELIX: How much do you hate me? BROOKE: (Smiles and lowers the book.) I don't hate you. FELIX: (Walks into the room.) But you hated the party. BROOKE: Umm... (Sits up.) I liked my presents. (Felix smiles and sits on the bed. Brooke shrugs.) BROOKE: I was sitting there at a perfectly decent party, like I have a thousand times before and... maybe, for the first time, I just felt like I was meant for something more, you know? FELIX: More than I planned for you? BROOKE: (Smiles) ...'Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past, let us accept our own responsibility for the future'. JFK said that. FELIX: (Proud) Look at you go. (Laughs) I'm proud of you, girlfriend. BROOKE: (Nods) Thanks. I'm proud of me too. FELIX: (Whispers) Come here. (Hugs her.) (Brooke frowns slightly as she thinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (Nathan and Lucas walk onto the court. Lucas is holding a basket ball; they are just walking in silence.) LUCAS: You know, after my accident, I asked you what the secret was to getting back. (They stop walking.) You remember what you told me? (Nathan shakes his head and shrugs.) LUCAS: You told me there is no secret. (Looks down at the ball.) Just start shooting one day and... deal with the pain. (Nathan smiles and nods as he remembers. Lucas bounces the ball at him and Nathan catches it.) LUCAS: Somewhere along the way... it gets easier. (Nathan smiles and looks up, tossing the ball from one hand to the other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Andy has finished his phone conversation and looks at the phone's screen. Karen walks in.) ANDY: (Gets up and walks to her.) Hey. Lucas OK? KAREN: I'd say far from. ANDY: (Looks at his phone for a beat.) Well, my investigator found something interesting about Dan. (Karen looks at the phone before looking up at Andy hopefully.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - EVENING] (Mouth and Anna walk down the corridor together.) MOUTH: I just want you to know that I won't tell anyone. (They exchange looks.) About you and... you know, girls. ANNA: (Smiles) Thanks, Mouth. MOUTH: But could you, maybe, not hit on Brooke, coz I got enough competition for her already. (Smiles) (Anna and Mouth laugh.) ANNA: (Whispers) OK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - EVENING] (Anna sits in front of the camera and amends her recording.) ANNA: My name is Anna Tagaro and I'm a junior at Tree Hill High. And... I'm gay... and straight... and a Latina (The camera begins to zoom in on her as her voice gets stronger.) and I hate labels! And I hope by the time you see this, those things won't be an issue. For now,... all you need to know is this; my name is Anna... and I'm just trying to find my way... like most kids. I guess that part is timeless. (She smiles sadly at the camera.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton and Jake are on her bed, kissing. The camera zooms in on them as they break apart and smile at each other. Pan to her candles and trinkets.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Jake is in front of the camera again.) JAKE: So, I'm seeing this girl and (Laughs) I think our experience levels are a little different, you know, but... even so, I'm doing something with her that... I've never done before; (Shocked) I'm falling in love. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (Nathan and Lucas are on the court, playing one-on-one basketball.) LUCAS: Bring it. Bring it(!) NATHAN: Here we go. (Nathan bounces the ball, Lucas tries to take it off him but Nathan jumps and shoots.) (Lucas groans as it goes in. Nathan holds his hands up in victory.) LUCAS: (v.o) My brother's been going through a tough time lately. (Lucas smiles, catches the ball and tosses it back.) LUCAS: (v.o) I wish there was more I could do to help him. (Nathan catches it and gets ready to shoot again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Lucas is back in the closet. He alternates between looking at the camera and looking away.) LUCAS: I mean, just getting along is kinda new to us. (Smiles reminiscently.) But I guess that's how brothers are. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Jules enters the apartment with a smile. She shuts the door and Keith walks into the room.) LUCAS: (v.o) Better to each other and worse to each other than anybody else. (Keith hugs Jules.) (Camera pans to the mirror; it shows the reflection of Jules who is smiling happily.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CONVERTED SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] LUCAS: I also wish I could make things easier for my mom. (Pause) I mean, even though it's been a tough year for us, (Nods) I want her to be happy more than anything. (Smiles and shakes his head.) But that doesn't change the fact that I need to get closer to my father (His face hardens.) because if I can get closer to him, maybe I can find a way to beat him. (Looks at the camera.) Once and for all - set the people that I love free(!) (The camera zooms in on him slowly.) LUCAS: (Stiffly) I just hope I have the strength to tear him down for good(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Whitey has put the tape from 1955 on again.) PAST STUDENT: I suppose, a fella just wants to fit in; find a good girl, maybe, one day, do great things. PAST TEACHER: Tell us about that steady girl of yours, Brian. PAST STUDENT: (The camera pans down.) Well her name is Camilla- (The camera stops at the framed picture of Camilla Durham.) BRIAN DURHAM: -and my wish is that one day she'll agree to be my wife... and we'll grow old together. (Camera rotates to show Whitey at his desk. He's smiling.) BRIAN DURHAM: I'd like to have a boy of my own one day. Maybe lotsa kids. (Fade to the row of pictures on Whitey's desk. It's of his past basketball players. Some pictures are black and white, others are in colour.) BRIAN DURHAM: I'd like to try to teach them; right from wrong, good from bad. I'd like to let them teach me. (Camera fades back to Whitey but you can still see a shot of his most recent team. Whitey's smiling but also has sad tears rolling down his face.) BRIAN DURHAM: I think I have something to offer them. (Whitey nods.) (Cut back to the TV.) BRIAN DURHAM: Well, I hope so. I guess only time will tell. (Fade back to Whitey who is crying. He tries to smile.)

Plan: A: a time capsule project; Q: What project does Tree Hill High do? A: their most intimate secrets; Q: What do the students confess to the camera? A: an anonymous video camera; Q: What does the gang confess their secrets to? A: Haley's absence; Q: What is Nathan angry about? A: jail; Q: What happens to Lucas and Nathan? A: Jake; Q: Who's feelings for Peyton heat up? A: Felix; Q: Who throws Brooke a party? A: student body president; Q: What is Brooke's new gig? A: The Ataris; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: When Tree Hill High does a time capsule project, the gang confesses their most intimate secrets to an anonymous video camera. Nathan's anger over Haley's absence continues to grow, eventually landing both Lucas and Nathan in jail. Peyton and Jake's feelings for each other heat up, while Felix throws Brooke a party to celebrate her new gig as student body president. When brought to court, Lucas opts to live with Dan and Deb rather than Karen. This episode is named after a song by The Ataris .

[Alaric's appartment] (Klaus/Alaric opens the closet and takes 2 shirts. Katherine is tied to a chair) Klaus/Alaric: Oh! Who is this guy, Safari Sam? (He shows the shirts to Katherine) Klaus/Alaric: Ok, bad, or badder? Katherine: The dark colors suit you better Klaus/Alaric: Oh, thank you, honey. Ok, pop quiz. The dagger and white ash are in the Salvatore's possession, correct? Katherine: The dagger was used to kill Elijah. You'll find him in the basement of the Salvatore house Klaus/Alaric: Ok, that dagger needs to stay exactly where it is. The last thing I need to do is resurrect Elijah. Ohh, that guy is a buzzkill Katherine: Don't forget you're on the outs with your girlfriend Jenna Klaus/Alaric: Right. Elena's aunt. For all the lies about Isobel. What else? Katherine: That's it (He gets closer to her and touches her face. She seems afraid) Klaus/Alaric: Oh, so jumpy Katherine: Please, just... kill me. I've told you everything that I know Klaus/Alaric: You see, I believe that you believe that but what would you not know? What could they be keeping from you? Hmm? Anything? Tell me (She looks at him and he compels her) Katherine: They were trying to see if Bonnie could find a way to kill an Original without a dagger Klaus/Alaric: Bonnie the best friend? And then you said she didn't have her powers anymore Katherine: She doesn't or didn't. I don't know. You kidnapped me, remember? I'm kinda out of the loop Klaus/Alaric: Well, we'll have to get to the bottom of that Katherine: Please, just kill me, Klaus, and be done with it Klaus/Alaric: And show you kindness? I've searched for you for over 500 years. Your death is going to last at least half that long (He takes a knife from his pocket) Klaus/Alaric: I want you to take this knife... And stab yourself (She takes the knife and stabs her thigh) Klaus/Alaric: Now take it out (She takes it out. Her wounds heals) Klaus/Alaric: Now while I'm gone, I want you to do that over and over and over again and if you get bored, switch legs Katherine: Where are you going? Klaus/Alaric: I'm gonna go lay eyes on my precious doppelganger (He kisses her on the forehead) Klaus/Alaric: Oh, don't look so glum, Katerina. The fun is just beginning. Again, please (He leaves. Katherine stabs herself again) [Salvatore's house] (Elena and Bonnie are with a lawyer. Elena is signing papers) Lawyer: Please sign here and here (She takes the pen) Elena: Okay Bonnie: So this place is all yours? They just gave it to you? Elena: For now. As sole owner, I'm the only one who can invite a certain type of person in here, if you know what I mean Bonnie: Your own personal safe house Elena: That's the idea Bonnie: Wouldn't want to clean it (Elena laughs) (Stefan and Damon are waiting outside) Damon: You really think Bonnie can take on Klaus? Stefan: She said she could channel enough witch's power to kill him. Elijah thought that would work and he was an Original, so... Damon: We just need to find him Stefan: Yeah Damon: Could she do one of those witch tracking spells? Stefan: Nope. Not without something that belongs to Klaus. Believe me, I already asked Damon: Do you think he killed her? Stefan: Katherine? Probably Damon: It's not like she didn't have it coming (Elena opens the door. The lawyer leaves) Elena: Thank you, Mr. Henry (Stefan and Damon can't enter) Elena: I'm sorry. I completely forgot (She looks at Stefan) Elena: Stefan. Would you like to come inside my house? Stefan: I would love to. Thank you (He enters. Elena looks at Damon) Damon: What are we, 12? Elena: One of us is. If I let you in, do you promise to obey the owner of this house? Damon: No Elena: Seriously, Damon. My way. You promised. I call the shots. No lies, no secret agendas. Remember? Damon: Yes, Elena. Sure Elena: Then please, come in (He enters and looks at Stefan) Damon: Shut up (Bonnie rejoins them and gives Elena her jacket) Elena: Thanks Stefan: Wait, where are you going? Elena: To school Stefan: Huh? Damon: No, no, no. We didn't create a safe house for you to leave it Stefan: Yeah, guys, Klaus is out there. We know that Elena: Right. But where? No one knows. Look, I really appreciate what you guys are doing. And I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I'll be safe here, but I'm not going to be a prisoner (She looks at Damon) Damon: Your way, Elena Bonnie: Don't worry, I'm ready. If he shows his face, I can take him. Know how Elena: The way I see it, next to Bonnie is the safest place that I can be. Come on (They leave. Stefan looks at Damon) Stefan: Wait, um, coming (He leaves with them) [Caroline's house] (Matt knocks on the door. Liz opens the door) Liz: Caroline left early for school Matt: I know. I came to see you. I don't know what to do. What to say, how to act around her Liz: You can't let on that you know Matt: She wants me to take her to the dance. What am I supposed to do? Liz: Take her to the dance Matt: I'll never get away with it. She knows me too well, she'll figure it out Liz: Damn it, Matt, just do it. She's my daughter. She's my baby. I just, I need some time Matt: I know, but... Liz: Look, if what Caroline told you is true, she's not the only one. The Salvatore's are vampires. The Gilbert family is in on it. Tyler Lockwood is God knows what Matt: A werewolf Liz: There's no one in this town I can trust. I just need to take a beat and figure out what to do Matt: That'll never fool her Liz: Yes, you will. As far as she knows, you don't remember anything. Buy me some time. Please, Matt [Mystic Falls' high school] (Everyone sits down. Elena takes the poster for the decade dance and shows it to Stefan with a smile. He says no. then, she shows it to Bonnie. She says yes. Elena looks back at Stefan. Alaric/Klaus arrives) Alaric/Klaus: Hello, class. Are we learning today? Dana: With the decade dance tonight, we've been covering the sixties all week Alaric/Klaus: Right. The sixties (He sees Elena. He looks at her for a while and turns to the board) Alaric/Klaus: The, uh, ahem... (He writes on the board) Alaric/Klaus: The sixties. I wish there was something good I could say about the sixties, but... Actually, they kind of sucked. Except for the Beatles, of course. They made it bearable. Uh, what else was there? The Cuban missile thing, the... we walked on the moon. There was Watergate Elena: Watergate was the seventies, Ric. I-I mean, Mr. Saltzman Alaric/Klaus: Right. It all kind of mushes together up here, the sixties, seventies. Thank you, Elena (Caroline rejoins Dana but sees Matt) Caroline: Hey, Dana. Um, can you take care of these? Dana: Sure Caroline: Ok, thank you (She gives her some posters and leaves) (She rejoins Matt) Caroline: Hey (He kisses her) Caroline: What was that for? Matt: Just practicing for tonight (She laughs) Matt: So I... found a suit. If you still want me to be JFK Caroline: Perfect (Bonnie and Jeremy are in the cafeteria) Jeremy: Do you think Elena knows what it's going to take for you to do that Klaus spell? Bonnie: No, and you're not, either Jeremy: Well, she's gotta know you can't do it Bonnie: You don't know I can't. Have a little faith in me Jeremy: That's not fair. You can't harness the power of a hundred dead witches. It'll kill you Bonnie: Shh! We don't know that for certain. You promised to keep my secret, I'm trusting you. I'm going through with this, and if you tell anyone, I swear... Jeremy: what? What are you gonna do? (Elena rejoins them) Elena: Hey, Jer. How you doing? Are you ok at the house alone with John? Jeremy: It's not ideal (He gets up) Elena: You haven't heard from Jenna, have you? Jeremy: It looks like she's staying on campus instead of coming home. I'm late for class (He leaves. Elena sits down with Bonnie) Elena: What's going on? Bonnie: I told him he had to dress up tonight and he got all uptight Elena: Oh (She laughs. Dana rejoins them) Dana: Hey, Elena, there you are. Ok. This is going to sound freaky, but this totally hot guy just asked me to ask you if you're going to the dance tonight Bonnie: Tell him she has a boyfriend Dana: You could at least meet him. He'll be at the dance tonight. Look for him. His name is Klaus Elena: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Dana: His name's Klaus. I know the name's stupid, but I swear he's hot (Bonnie looks around them) Bonnie: Where is he? Is he here? Dana: I don't know Bonnie: She's being compelled Dana: But he wants to know if you'll save him the last dance. How cute is that? [Salvatore's house] (Stefan, Damon, Bonnie and Elena are in the living room) Damon: So we go to the dance, we find him Stefan: Really? How are we going to do that? We don't even know what he looks like Damon: Something tells me he's not going to be 16 and pimply Stefan: He could be anywhere at any time. He compelled somebody at school (He looks at Elena and Bonnie) Stefan: I guess it's not as safe as you guys thought, huh? (Someone knocks on the door. Alaric/Klaus enters) Damon: There you are Alaric/Klaus: Sorry I'm late Damon: Hey, I need you to put me down as a chaperone at the dance tonight. Klaus made his first move Elena: Ok, so we find him and then what, hmm? What's our plan of attack? Bonnie: Me. I'm the plan. He has no idea how much power I can channel. If you can find him, I can kill him Alaric/Klaus: That's not going to be that easy. I mean, he is the biggest, baddest vampire around Damon: Alaric has a point. I mean, what if he... (He rushes over Bonnie but she throws him on the other side of the room with her powers, without touching him) Stefan: Well, I was impressed Bonnie: It doesn't matter if he's an Original. I can take down anyone who comes at me. I can kill him, Elena. I know I can [Alaric's apartment] Alaric/Klaus: Ah, you're right. This witch is all juiced up and aiming to kill (Katherine legs are bleeding) Katherine: That's terrible (The warlock is in the kitchen) Alaric/Klaus: We're gonna have to kill her, Maddox (He opens a drawer) Alaric/Klaus: Do you think this Alaric guy has anything vintage? (He looks at the shirts and sees that there's something under. He opens it and sees a lot of weapons to kill vampires) Alaric/Klaus: Crossbows, wooden bullets and automatics? Who is this guy, again? Katherine: He's the local vampire hunter Alaric/Klaus: Ahh. Well, that explains the clothes Maddox: All I could find. Guy likes his bourbon (He gives him a glass. Alaric/Klaus takes it) Alaric/Klaus: I knew there was something about him I liked. There's a high school dance and I'm gonna need you to take out witch bitch Maddox: If she has that much power, she can sense me coming from a mile away. I won't be able to get near her. You have to do it Alaric/Klaus: In this body? I'm a Haggard history teacher. She can easily hurt me. I mean, not me, Klaus me, but you know what I mean (Katherine is listening to them) Maddox: No witch could handle channeling that much power. It'll kill her. It would kill me. You just have to make her use it Alaric/Klaus: You mean like provoking her to death? Maddox: Won't take long. Just keep attacking her until it kills her. His body, Alaric's, will last longer than hers will Alaric/Klaus: How? He's human Maddox: I can help in that department. I can do a spell to protect you (Alaric/Klaus looks at Katherine. She lowers her head) [Caroline's house] (Caroline is all dressed up. Liz arrives) Caroline: There you are! You almost missed me. How do I look? Liz: Jackie O? (Caroline laughs) Caroline: Duh Liz: You look good Caroline: Thanks. Is everything ok? Liz: Ughh, just some work stress Caroline: Well, you work too much (Matt knocks on the door. Caroline laughs and opens the door) Caroline: Mr. President Matt: Hey Caroline: Hi (She tries to kiss him but he looks at the sheriff and goes back. Caroline laughs) Matt: Sheriff Caroline: Sorry Liz: Have fun Caroline: We will (Matt looks at the sheriff and leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Stefan and Elena are in his bedroom. She's looking into some boxes) Elena: Your relatives were such packrats (She takes two outfits and shows them to Stefan) Elena: Ok, so what do you think? Twiggy or sexy hippy? Stefan: Ooh. You know it's not too late to back out, right? Elena: And what, miss out on all the fun? (He gets closer to her) Stefan: Hey Elena: All this time spent worrying about Klaus. I think I convinced myself that he's not real but he is Stefan: And tonight, we will put an end to him (They kiss) Elena: I love you Stefan: I want you to tell me that when the night's over (They kiss again) Damon: Any time tonight [Mystic Falls' high school] (It's the decade dance. Everyone's dancing. Alaric/Klaus arrive, dance and rejoins Dana and her date) Dana: Nice outfit, Mr. Saltzman. Totally far out Alaric/Klaus: Thank you, Dana. Thank you. Now who is your date? Chad: It's Chad, Mr. Saltzman, from third period Alaric/Klaus: Chad, of course. How would you and your friends like to earn a little extra credit? (Bonnie and Jeremy are outside) Jeremy: Wait (He takes off is ring) Jeremy: Look, I, um, I want you to have this Bonnie: If you're asking me to go steady, I think that was the fifties Jeremy: No, I'm serious, Bonnie Bonnie: The ring won't work on me, Jeremy Jeremy: But it was made by a witch Bonnie: To protect from the supernatural, not for someone who is Jeremy: Well, I have to do something. I can't just... I can't just let you get yourself killed Bonnie: Just because a bunch of dead witches gave me a warning doesn't mean I'm going to die Jeremy: So you're saying there's a 50-50 shot you won't? Look, I'm sorry. But... you know I don't have the best luck in the girlfriend department Bonnie: Hey. Listen, I... I can't explain it. But I can feel them. I'm empowered, Jeremy, I can do this. I know I can. I'm strong enough (She embraces him and sees Damon) Bonnie: Damon Damon: Evenin' (He enters. Elena and Stefan rejoin them) Elena: hey you two. Oh, you look nice (She embraces Bonnie) Bonnie: You too Stefan: You guys ready to do this? (Everyone is dancing. Dana goes on the stage) Dana: Thanks for being here, everybody. We have a special shout-out tonight (Elena, Stefan, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon stops in front of the stage) Dana: This is for Elena. From Klaus (A song starts playing. Elena seems stunned) Damon: That was a lame, cheap shot. He's just trying to bait us Elena: I know everyone here Stefan: Maybe he's not here. Just wants us to believe that he is Damon: It's a party, people. Blend. Let him come to us Bonnie: Good idea (She takes Jeremy's arm) Jeremy: No, no, I really don't feel like dancing Bonnie: Too bad (They go on the dance floor. Damon sees Alaric/Klaus) Damon: There's Ric. I'll be back (He leaves) (Damon rejoins Alaric/Klaus) Alaric/Klaus: Special dedication, huh? This guy's a little twisted Damon: I'm not impressed Alaric/Klaus: No? Damon: Let me know if you see anything out of whack (He leaves) (Jeremy and Bonnie are dancing so are Elena and Stefan. She sees Caroline and Matt arriving) Elena: Caroline's here. They don't know what's going on. We have to tell her Stefan: I'm on it (He looks at Damon and leaves. Damon takes Elena and they dance) Damon: How you doing? Elena: Um, freaking out a bit. You? Damon: Cool as a cucumber. Come on, remember the last decade dance? The vampires were all, "ahh!" And you were all, "aahh!" Elena: Right. And you won Damon: Yes! We did (He makes some moves with her) Elena: You're good at this Damon: I've got moves you've never seen (She laughs) [SCENE_BREAK] (Matt and Caroline are in the dance floor) Caroline: Dance with me Matt: I'm a really bad dancer (She laughs and takes his arm) Caroline: I know better than that (They dance. He's weird) Caroline: What? Matt: You look really pretty tonight (Stefan rejoins them) Stefan: Hey, guys Matt: Hey, man, what's up? Stefan: Hey. Do you mind if I steal your date for a moment? Matt: No, not all. I'll get us something to drink Stefan: Thanks (Matt leaves. Stefan dances with Caroline) Caroline: What's wrong? Stefan: Klaus is here Caroline: What?! Stefan: Yeah Caroline: Where? Stefan: We have no idea. But keep your eye out for anything that might be weird, ok? (Bonnie and Jeremy are dancing. Damon rejoins them) Damon: May I? (Jeremy looks at him and leaves. Damon dances with Bonnie) Bonnie: You heard Jeremy and me talking, didn't you? Damon: Is it true? Bonnie: Yes Damon: The part about you having a 50-50 shot of surviving? Is that true? Bonnie: He was upset. I didn't want him to worry Damon: So you lay it out on the line for Elena, no matter what Bonnie: No matter what Damon: Good Bonnie: You can't tell her Damon: Your secret's safe with me, but I mean... With all that power, isn't there a way to increase your odds? Bonnie: Careful, Damon. I might start to think you actually care Damon: We wouldn't want that (Elena rejoins Jeremy. She looks at Bonnie and Damon) Elena: What are they up to? Jeremy: Who knows? Elena: Is there something going on, Jer? You ok? Jeremy: Fine. I'm fine (He leaves. Stefan rejoins her) Stefan: Everything all right? Elena: I'm not sure (Jeremy is in the hallway. Stefan rejoins him) Stefan: Jeremy. What are you doing? Elena thinks we should stick together Jeremy: Yeah, I'm fine. I've got my ring. It's... it's Bonnie Stefan: What is it? Hey, you got something on your mind, spit it out Jeremy: If Bonnie takes on Klaus, channeling all that energy's going to kill her Stefan: What? Jeremy: But she doesn't want Elena to know, 'cause if Elena knows, she's gonna try to stop her. And it's Elena that could turn up dead, so... What am I supposed to do? (Everyone is dancing. Damon is dancing with two girls. Bonnie looks at him and smiles. Elena rejoins her) Elena: I need to talk to you (They leaves. Damon's looking at them. Bonnie looks at him. Stefan rejoins Damon) Stefan: Come here, come here, come here. Please tell me you didn't know that Bonnie was on a suicide mission Damon: Oh, great. Jeremy told you and of course you told Elena Stefan: Yeah, I told her. You promised her no more secrets Damon: I changed my mind (Elena and Bonnie are outside) Elena: How could you not tell me? Bonnie: 'Cause I knew how'd you react Elena: No. No way, it's not an option Bonnie: It's our only option Elena: Then we'll find another way, ok? Bonnie, you're not dying to save my life Bonnie: I have the power to save you! If I don't use it and something happens, that would kill me more Elena: I can't let you Bonnie: Just answer one question... if the situation was reversed, would you do it for me? (Elena doesn't answer) Bonnie: So you know I have to Elena: No. No! (Jeremy is in the hallway. Chad and two other students rejoin him) Jeremy: What's going on, guys? Chad: You ok, Gilbert? You don't look so good Jeremy: Dude, seriously? Wrong day, wrong guy (They start fighting. The two other boys punch Jeremy. Stefan and Damon arrive. One of the guys throw a stake on Damon with a crossbow) Damon: Let me guess... Klaus says hi (They have weapons. Stefan rushes over them and fights them. Damon catches another boy and is about to kill him) Stefan: No, no, no, no, don't kill him. He's compelled Damon: So? Stefan: So, the whole thing's a distraction. Go find Bonnie and Elena. I got this. Go (Damon throws the guy against the lockers and leaves) (Alaric/Klaus rejoins Bonnie and Elena) Alaric/Klaus: Elena! Elena: What is it? Alaric/Klaus: He has Jeremy Elena: What? Bonnie: What?! Alaric/Klaus: Yeah, Klaus has Jeremy. Come on (They follow him in the school. They're running in the hallway) Elena: Ok, so where are you taking us? Alaric/Klaus: Just a little further Elena: What... Something's not right Bonnie: Where's Jeremy? (They stop. He laughs) Alaric/Klaus: I just had to get away from that dance. The sixties, uchh. Not my decade (He laughs) Alaric/Klaus: I mean, whose call was that, anyway? I much prefer the twenties. The style, the parties, the jazz Elena: Alaric. Are you on vervain? Alaric/Klaus: Now why would you ask me that question, Elena? Elena: He's being compelled Alaric/Klaus: Nope. Try again Elena: What's going on? Alaric/Klaus: Ok, I'll give you a hint. I am not Alaric Elena: Klaus Alaric/Klaus: Surprise! Elena: Oh, no. No, it's not possible Alaric/Klaus: Just relax, Elena. I'm not here to hurt you. You're not on my hit list tonight (He looks at Bonnie) Alaric/Klaus: But you are (She throws him against the wall with her powers. He gets up) Alaric/Klaus: Now, did I mention that I knew a witch? You're gonna have to hit me a lot harder than that (He rushes over her so she throws him against a display case. He laughs) Alaric/Klaus: By all means... Fire away! (He gets up) Alaric/Klaus: If you kill this body, I'll just get a new one. Maybe Jeremy Bonnie: Go. Run. Run! (They run. Bonnie closes the doors with her powers. Damon rejoins them) Damon: What happened? Elena: Klaus is in Alaric's body Damon: What? Bonnie: He's possessing it or something (He looks at Elena) Damon: Go find Stefan. Now Elena: Okay Damon: Now (She leaves. Damon and Bonnie are alone) Damon: Can you kill him? Bonnie: He's got some kind of protection spell Damon: You have the power of a hundred witches. Break it Bonnie: I'm trying! If I kill Alaric, he'll just possess someone else. He knows I have my power, Damon. He's trying to kill me Damon: No. Klaus does not get to win tonight, no way. You still willing to do whatever it takes to kill him? (Elena is on the dance floor, looking all around her. Caroline sees her. She's with Matt) Caroline: Hey! Are you ok? Elena: Um...Yeah. I'm just... I'm looking for Stefan (She sees him) Caroline: Seriously, what's wrong? Elena: Uh, just, um, stay with Matt, ok? (She leaves to rejoin Stefan) Matt: What was that about? Caroline: Oh, you know, just same old drama (Bonnie is in the hallway, alone. She enters the cafeteria. Alaric/Klaus is sitting on a chair, a knife on his hand) Alaric/Klaus: What took you so long? Now, do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? (She breaks his wrist with her powers. He replaces it) Alaric/Klaus: The hard way. Got it (He gets up. She breaks his shoulder with her powers. He groans) Alaric/Klaus: What? You'd kill your favorite history teacher? Bonnie: It's what Alaric would want. And he'd want you to suffer first (Her nose bleeds) Alaric/Klaus: Look at you (She wipes her nose) Alaric/Klaus: Is that all you got? Bonnie: Let's find out (Elena and Stefan are running in the hallway, Damon rejoins them) Damon: There you are Elena: What are you doing? Where's Bonnie? Damon: She's doing what she has to do Elena: What? Stefan: Where is she? Damon: Stefan, let her do this Stefan: Damn it, Damon, where is she?! (Bonnie is still fighting Alaric/Klaus with her powers. Her nose is bleeding a lot. Elena and Stefan arrive) Elena: Bonnie, no! (Bonnie fights Alaric/Klaus. Elena screams. Stefan tries to open the doors but he can't. bonnie looks at Elena with a smile and then she falls on the floor. Everything stops. Elena and Stefan open the doors and rush over Bonnie) Elena: No! Oh! Bonnie! Bonnie, Bonnie! (She takes Bonnie in her arms. Stefan looks around them. Alaric/Klaus is gone) Elena: Stefan, she's not breathing! (She cries) Elena: Stefan! Stefan, I can't find her pulse! Stefan! Do something, please! Stefan, please! Just give her blood, do something, please! Stefan: It's too late. I'm sorry (Elena's still crying) Elena: No! No. No, no, no, no, no! Bonnie! Bonnie, please, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Damon arrives) Damon: Stefan, get Elena out of here. I'll deal with this Elena: What do you mean, deal with this? Damon: The sheriff can't know about this. Last thing we need's another mysterious death Elena: This is Bonnie! (Damon looks at Stefan) Damon: Get her home. Now (Stefan catches Elena and helps her to get up) Stefan: Hey, hey, hey Elena: No. Jeremy. Oh, my God, Jeremy. What about Jeremy? Damon: I'll find him (Elena gets up. She looks at Bonnie's body, crying and screaming. Stefan takes her and they leave. Alone, Damon closes Bonnie's eyes) (Damon puts Bonnie's body in the trunk. Jeremy rejoins him) Jeremy: Damon! Hey, I got your message, I can't find anyone. Where's Elena, where's Bonnie? Damon: We need to have a little talk [Salvatore's house] (Elena is sitting next to the chimney. Stefan rejoins her with a glass) Stefan: Hey. Here, drink this Elena: I can't Stefan: Yeah. Yeah, you can. Yeah. Yeah, you can (She takes the glass but cries) Elena: This is my fault Stefan: No, no, no, no, no. No. Hey. This was Klaus. Listen to me. Klaus did this (Damon arrives) Elena: What did you do with her?! (He looks at Stefan) Damon: Will you please calm her down? Elena: Don't talk like I'm not standing right in front of you Damon: Please calm down Elena: You knew! Didn't you? You knew that if she harnessed all that power, that she would die, didn't you? Damon: Yes. Yes, I knew (She slaps him) Damon: You need to listen to me, and prepare for what I'm about to say. Bonnie had to die. Klaus using Alaric's body was a total surprise. She wasn't prepared for that. And he wasn't going to stop, and we weren't going to be able to stop him until he knew she was dead. He had to believe it [Abandoned house] (Bonnie is laying on the floor. Jeremy is lightening candles. She wakes up. He rushes over and embraces her. They laugh with joy) [Salvatore's house] Damon: She cast a spell. She's alive, Elena. Bonnie's ok (He goes to the stairs. Stefan follows him) Stefan: You know, you could have told me Damon: How do I know when you're going to go blabbing things to your girlfriend? Stefan: You even understand what you put her through? Damon: See, that's why I didn't tell you. 'Cause you would have never been able to do it. Don't get me wrong, Stefan. I don't mind being the bad guy. I'll make all the life and death decisions while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive (He goes upstairs) [Abandoned house] (Jeremy has his laptop on his legs) Jeremy: You sure it's safe here? Bonnie: Yeah, I'm sure (He takes something from his bag) Bonnie: What is that? Jeremy: It is MiFi. If we're gonna be stuck here, then we might as well have Internet Bonnie: You don't have to stay down here with me Jeremy: Hey, look, I'm not letting you out of my sight Bonnie: I... I need you to talk to Elena for me. Tell her how sorry I am for what Damon and I had to do Jeremy: Well, um... Why don't you tell her yourself? (He turns the laptop so Bonnie can see Elena thanks to the webcam) [Salvatore House] (Elena is talking with Bonnie via webcam) Bonnie: Elena, I'm so sorry Elena: It's ok, it's ok. I just needed to see you from myself (Bonnie's crying) Bonnie: There wasn't enough time for me to tell you Elena: It's ok, seriously. Damon explained it all to me (Damon is in his bedroom. Elena rejoins him) Damon: Ugh. Look. Klaus had to think she was dead. Your reaction had to be real Elena: I understand why you did what you did. Klaus was fooled, and Bonnie's alive Damon: Here's to duplicity Elena: But let's get one thing straight, Damon. Bonnie will not die for me, I will not let that happen Damon: We need to kill Klaus, Elena. Real Klaus. Who will probably be coming to pay you a visit soon now that he knows that Bonnie is dead. She's the only one who can do it Elena: We'll find another way Damon: I hope so Elena: Look, I shouldn't have hit you Damon: Apology accepted. Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always choose you (She doesn't say anything for a moment) Elena: Good night, Damon Damon: Good night (She looks at him and leaves) (She goes in the basement. Opens the cellar, looks at Elijah's body and removes the dagger. She sits down next to the body)

Plan: A: Klaus; Q: Who is in Alaric's body? A: Katherine; Q: Who does Klaus compel to tell him how the others plan to kill him? A: Bonnie; Q: Who has obtained power that could threaten Klaus's life? A: the school dance; Q: Where does Bonnie fight Klaus? A: Damon; Q: Who tells Elena that Bonnie is faking her death? A: help; Q: What does Jeremy go to Stefan for? A: Bonnie's plans; Q: What does Stefan tell Elena about? A: her powers; Q: What does Bonnie have that could threaten Klaus? A: the dagger; Q: What does Elena pull out of Elijah's heart? Summary: Klaus (in Alaric's body) compels Katherine to tell him how the others plan to kill him. He then finds out that Bonnie has obtained power that could threaten his life. At the school dance, Jeremy confronts Bonnie about why she wants to kill herself for Elena, and Damon overhears. Jeremy goes to Stefan for help, and Stefan tells Elena about Bonnie's plans. Elena finally guesses who "Alaric" really is. Bonnie fights Klaus with her powers and appears to die. As Elena grieves, Damon tells her that Klaus must believe Bonnie is dead, but her death was faked. Realizing that Bonnie intends to endanger herself to defeat Klaus, Elena pulls the dagger out of Elijah's heart.

KILGARRAH: In a land of myth, and a time of magic. The destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name: Merlin. [SCENE_BREAK] [Arthur, Gwen and Merlin are going for a picnic.] ARTHUR: This is nice isn't it? Just the two of us. GWEN: Well, three of us. ARTHUR: Merlin? Merlin doesn't count. MERLIN: I don't count? Not here. Not actually speaking right now. ARTHUR: Aren't you impressed that I remembered our anniversary? GWEN: But you didn't remember. I reminded you over a month ago. ARTHUR: Yes...but I remembered that it was today...today. GWEN: Ah! MERLIN: Actually, I did. ARTHUR: Shut up, Merlin! [Gwen and Merlin laugh.] MERLIN: [Laughing] I did! [A bomb scares Arthur's horse which rears up and then runs the other way. The girth snaps making him fall off. Bandits come out of the trees and attack Arthur.] MERLIN: Arthur! [Arthur starts to fight the bandits. Merlin dismounts his horse. One of the bandits is about to hurt Arthur, but Merlin makes his sword magically fly out of his hands. Arthur kills the last bandit.] [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Gaius, Arthur, Gwen and Merlin are in Gaius' chambers tending to Arthur's wound.] GAIUS: You're very fortunate, sire. A fall like that you could have broken your neck. ARTHUR: But the men that attacked us, have they been questioned? GAIUS: I'm sorry, sire, the wounds were fatal. We were unable to learn anything from them. MERLIN: We know one thing- it can't have been a coincidence that they were there. [Leon walks in.] LEON: Sire, we recovered your saddle from the forest trail. The girth has been unpicked and re-stitched. It was designed to break sire. ARTHUR: It appears, Merlin, on this single solitary occasion, maybe you're right. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE - ROYAL STABLES] [Tyr Seward is tending to the horses, when Gwaine and some other knights walk up to him.] TYR: Afternoon, sir knights! Horses are shod and watered as requested. GWAINE: You're Tyr Seward? TYR: I am Sir Gwaine. You know I am. GWAINE: Stable hand to the King? TYR: That is my honour, yes. [Gwaine nods to the other knights and they apprehend him.] TYR: Is the King not pleased with my work? Have I done something wrong? [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- LOWER TOWN- SEWARD'S HOME] [Leon enters Tyr Sewards' house.] LEON: Gelda Seward? Mother of Tyr Seward? GELDA: Yes. LEON: And you live here with your son? GELDA: Is he in some kind of trouble? LEON: He's been arrested under suspicion of treason. GELDA: No! No that can't be. You've made a mistake. My Tyr's as loyal as to the King as you are. [Percival finds the thread that was used to restitched the girth.] PERCIVAL: Here. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- COUNCIL CHAMBERS] [Tyr Seward stands before the royal court in the council chambers] LEON: The thread we found at the boy's home matches that used to sabotage your saddle, Sire. ARTHUR: Who put you up to this Tyr? TYR: No one, no one's put me up to anything Sire. ARTHUR: You're saying you acted alone? Had no help? No accomplice? TYR: I don't know anything about these things you're talking about. I've done nothing Sire, save look after your horse and tack like I always do. ARTHUR: The evidence is staring you in the face. You can't deny it. TYR: Sire, I swear on my mother's life.... ARTHUR: Just give me their name. Why protect them? They can't help you now. Just give me their name. TYR: I have no name. There's no name to give. ARTHUR: Then you leave me no choice! Though it saddens me greatly to do so I must charge you with treason. Is there anything further you'd like to say? TYR: You're my king, sire. I'd never do anything to hurt you. Never. ARTHUR: Tyr Seward, by the power vested in me I hereby sentence you to death. [Merlin and Arthur are walking in the hallway.] MERLIN: How long have you known Tyr? ARTHUR: He's been in my service since he was a boy. MERLIN: Do you really think he could be capable of this treason? ARTHUR: What I think is irrelevant. The facts speak for themselves. MERLIN: Arthur, to sentence him to death? ARTHUR: The law is the law, Merlin. Whether I like it or not. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Gaius and Merlin are in Gaius' chambers.] MERLIN: Why would Tyr want Arthur dead? It makes no sense. GAIUS: Perhaps he harbored some grudge, some festering resentment. MERLIN: What grudge could he bear? He loved his work. He was deeply proud of it. And Arthur respected him, I know he did. He always treated him fairly and well. GAIUS: Merlin, it's not always possible to know what's in the mind of another man. MERLIN: Maybe so, but Arthur was right about one thing Tyr could not have done this alone. Someone else is involved and unless we find out who they are. What's to stop them from trying it again? [Gaius hands him a bowl of soup. Merlin runs out of Gaius' chambers.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is fiddling with a string as Gwen walks in.] GWEN: Arthur. I know you were fond of Tyr, but you had no choice. He was guilty. ARTHUR: Tyr Seward is a simple man. He can't have planned this assassination himself. GWEN: Well, I know that's what you would like to think. We all would. But, as hard as it is to accept, even a great, and honorable king has enemies within his walls. Very often the last person you would suspect. Tyr is just such a person. ARTHUR: No, you're right. I suppose experience should have taught me that by now. GWEN: The important thing is he didn't succeed. I've already lost my brother I couldn't bear to lose you too. ARTHUR: I'm here, Guinevere. I always will be. I'll never leave you, I promise you that. [Gwen kisses Arthur's hand.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Merlin is shown visiting Tyr in his cell. Merlin hands Tyr the bowl of soup.] MERLIN: I thought you might like some food. [Merlin sits next to Tyr after the guard closes the door.] Cooking is not Gaius's strong point as you know. TYR: Well, at least it's not their turnip stew. Thank you, Merlin. MERLIN: I'd like to help you Tyr. If I can. TYR: You heard the king. No one can help me now. MERLIN: I know you Tyr. Whatever you did, I don't believe you meant any harm. TYR: I didn't do anything. On my honour, I didn't. MERLIN: But something happened, didn't it? TYR: No. MERLIN: Tyr, please, I know you're not to blame, just tell me what happened. TYR: No! They... MERLIN: Who? [Tyr sets the bowl. Merlin turns to make sure that no guard can hear him. Tyr moves closer.] TYR: This was a few days back. One of the horses came down with colic so I had sleep in the stable to watch over him. MERLIN: Go on, it's alright. TYR: That night, I was woke up by a sound. There was someone there, going over the king's saddle. I knew it wasn't right. I tried to get away and warn someone, but they saw me. They told me if I so much as whispered a word of what I'd seen... they'd take my mother. They'd take her and they'd cut her throat. MERLIN: Who was it? TYR: I can't! MERLIN: Tyr, please tell me. This is the only chance you have. You'll be hanged if you don't. TYR: And they'll kill my mother if I do. MERLIN: Tyr. I can help you. TYR: No. If it means me dying instead of her then so be it. I'd rather die. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Merlin, Arthur and Gwen are in the royal chambers.] ARTHUR: You went to the cells to see Tyr. MERLIN: Yes. ARTHUR: We've been over this before, we know what he said. The evidence doesn't lie. MERLIN: No one denies the crime sire, but the only part that Tyr played was to see it done. ARTHUR: He told you this. MERLIN: Five minutes ago. ARTHUR: Then who was it? MERLIN: He won't say, he's too frightened. They threatened him. ARTHUR: I must speak with him, at once. [Arthur walks around Gwen to the door. Merlin turns to follow.] GWEN: Arthur surely it can wait. Gaius told you to rest, let your injuries heal. ARTHUR: I'll be fine Guinevere. I just want to hear what he has to say. [Arthur has opened the door.] GWEN: And you shall. [Arthur pauses at the door.]But Tyr has said everything he is willing to say for now. He's clearly frightened and unsure of what to do-don't push him. Let him think it over and maybe after a night in the cells he'll be prepared to say more. [Merlin looks between Gwen and Arthur. Arthur takes a moment to decide on what to do. He shuts the door.] ARTHUR: As always, Guinevere, you're right. [Arthur walks past Gwen to the table by the window. Gwen and Merlin share a glance before she turns to follow Arthur. Merlin looks at her as she goes.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Merlin and Gaius are eating supper.] MERLIN: Have you noticed anything about Gwen of late? GAIUS: Nothing unusual. Why? MERLIN: I'm not sure exactly. GAIUS: Something she's said? Something she's done? MERLIN: No. It's nothing in particular. It just seems to me that ever since she returned from the Dark Tower she hasn't been quite herself. GAIUS: Why is that so surprising? She lost her only brother. Elyan was all the family she had. And grief changes people, Merlin. MERLIN: I know that. I do, but... GAIUS: Besides, we can only guess at what Morgana put her through. MERLIN: That's what worries me. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Gwen places a burning piece of cloth in a grate that makes the guards pass out so she can go down to the prison cells.] GWEN: Tyr. TYR: What are you doing here? GWEN: Nothing to worry about. I just want to talk. TYR: I've said nothing. GWEN: Shhhh. Come closer.[Tyr gets up and walks to the door.] We don't want to be heard, do we? [He shakes his head.] TYR: I've told no names. I've not mentioned you to anyone. GWEN: I believe you. TYR: My mother's safe? You've not harmed her? GWEN: Your mother is alive and well. She's not the problem. You are. TYR: Me? GWEN: You see, Tyr, it's not what you haven't said. It's what you may yet say. [Gwen pulls the dagger from behind her back.] TYR: Don't... [She stabs him with the dagger. He falls to the floor.] GWEN: Understand? [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Gaius examines Tyr. Arthur is knelt next to Gaius. Merlin looks on. Percival is standing out in the doorway to the cell.] GAIUS: The blade punctured his heart. He suffered very little, I'm glad to say. ARTHUR: You've spoken to the night patrols? PERCIVAL: They saw nothing unusual, sire. [Leon walks up with the cloth that Gwen had placed.] 'ARTHUR:' What about the guards? Why didn't they raise the alarm? LEON: Sire. We found this in a grate in the guard room. [Gaius takes it and smells it.] GAIUS: Clary wort. A powerful soporific, sire. [Arthur is still knelt next to Tyr's body. He shakes his head.] ARTHUR: I've been a fool. [He stands up. Merlin is examining the door frame.] I should have spoken to him when I had the chance. MERLIN: Arthur. ARTHUR: What? MERLIN: Whoever did this was no stranger to Camelot. They knew the Citadel inside out. [SCENE_BREAK] [FOREST] [Gwen runs her hand over a vine that is on a tree and smiles. She turns and walks to where Morgana is waiting for her.] MORGANA: Guinevere. GWEN: The plan failed. Arthur lives. MORGANA: Does he suspect you? GWEN: Not yet. But the stable hand saw me. He was going to tell them everything. MORGANA: Was? You have some good news then? GWEN: I did what had to be done. MORGANA: With Tyr gone you have to find someone else to take the fall. When Arthur dies you have to be beyond all suspicion. You must have support of the knights only with their allegiance will your path to the throne be clear. GWEN: But what good is all this? Arthur's still alive. MORGANA: For now. By tonight you'll have everything you need to finish the job. GWEN: Arthur's doubled the guard, and there are patrols night and day. I can't risk leaving... MORGANA: Gwen. Gwen. It is I that will come to you. [Gwen gives her a look. A horses whinnies in the distance. A patrol approaches.] MORGANA: Go! [Gwen pulls her hood up and runs off. Morgana walks the other way. Gwaine turns his horse and goes the way that Gwen went. Morgana pulls him off his horse with magic. Gwen makes it out of the woods and back outside of Camelot walls. She turns and looks back. Gwen straightens her cloak and hair and walks calmly back to the castle. ] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- CORRIDOR] [Merlin is walking the opposite way from her. Gwen walks through a doorway. Merlin hears her and turns around.] MERLIN: Gwen? [She stops and turns around to face him. They walk toward each other.]I've been looking for you everywhere. Arthur's been beside himself with worry. GWEN: Well, there was no need to worry; I was just walking in the meadow. Since Elyan died...sometimes I just need time to myself. MERLIN: I understand, but you should be careful. A patrol was attacked in the woods only an hour ago. GWEN: [tries to act surprised.] Oh I had no idea. Ah Thank you, Merlin. I'll be more careful next time. [She walks away. Merlin looks after her with a concerned look on his face or one of suspicion.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Gaius is looking Gwaine over. Merlin and Arthur are looking on.] GAIUS: No broken bones, I'm glad to say. ARTHUR: Anything else you remember? GWAINE: Nothing. One minute I was pursuing them through the trees. The next I was flat on the ground. ARTHUR: You're sure it was sorcery? GWAINE: Without a doubt. Powerful, too. MERLIN: Morgana? GWAINE: It's possible. But why was she there? MERLIN: Maybe she was meeting someone. ARTHUR: Why would she come so close to the Citadel? MERLIN: Maybe she had to. Maybe whoever she was meeting was here in Camelot. [Gwaine and Gaius share a glance.] ARTHUR: Well, until we have more to go on this is idle speculation. [He looks at Gaius and Merlin.] Gaius, Merlin- see what you can find in the woods. Perhaps there's something we overlooked. GWAINE: I'll go with them. [He starts to stands up. Gaius stops him.] GAIUS: You'll do no such thing. You'll rest, Gwaine. Physician's orders. [Gaius gets up and leaves as Merlin walks around the table. Gwen is watching through the glass outside in the hall. Arthur leaves. Merlin sits next to Gwaine.] MERLIN: I don't think this is over. GWAINE: What do you mean? MERLIN: Well, whoever's responsible for the attack on Arthur's life, what's to stop them from trying again? [Gwen is still outside listening the conversation between Gwaine and Merlin.] GWAINE: They haven't a chance, the Citadel's on full alert. Every entrance, every exit's being watched. Trust me, Arthur's safe as long as he remains in Camelot. MERLIN: That's just it, what if he's not safe here? What if Camelot's the most dangerous place that he could be? Who could have access to the stables, who could of known the layout of the cells? Who knew that Tyr would do anything to protect his mother? You need to stay close to Arthur, and do whatever you can to protect him. GWAINE: You have my word on it, Merlin. [They nod to each other and Merlin grabs Gaius's bag and leaves.] [FOREST] [Morgana walks along a path to a hut that is in the middle of some trees. There is a man sitting at a desk. She opens the door and enters. He looks up to see who it is. SINDRI: Who are you? MORGANA: It matters not who I am, but what I want and whether you can give it to me. SINDRI: And what is it that you want? MORGANA: A tincture. With the power to kill. Not just to kill, but to do so slowly and with the utmost pain. SINDRI: Very particular, what you seek. MORGANA: It has a very particular purpose. [He looks up at her from a paper that he looking over.] Well? Do you possess such a thing? SINDRI: I do. [He gets up and walks to a shelf that is next to her. He pulls two vials off the shelf.] Here. MORGANA: What are they? SINDRI: Valerian. Two drops will render the victim unconscious. And Henbane. A single drop administered through the ear. Their death will be as prolonged and as unpleasant as could wish for. [Morgana goes to reach for them.] Ah, these are...uncommon things. Hard to come by, hard to prepare... [Morgana hands him some gold and takes the vials.] SINDRI: [He counts the gold.] Very generous, my lady, more than enough to buy my wares. But not my silence. [Morgana turns and tosses more coins on the floor. He bends down and picks up the coins.] KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is sitting at the table thinking. Gwen stands a bit of a ways back. She walks toward him.] GWEN: Arthur, are you all right? ARTHUR: What if Merlin's right? What if Morgana did attack the patrol? GWEN: Morgana? ARTHUR: She wants me dead. What better way of achieving that than conspiring with an ally with in Camelot? An ally who she couldn't risk meeting within these walls? GWEN: Who? ARTHUR: Whoever killed Tyr. GWEN: But that doesn't make sense. If you're the target, why kill Tyr? ARTHUR: To protect their identity. GWEN: Perhaps. ARTHUR: Tyr's killer had an intimate knowledge of the palace. Whoever they were, they must be known to me, and they must be here as we speak. [Gwen comes to sit in the chair next to Arthur.] GWEN: If what you say is true, they must be found quickly. ARTHUR: And if they're not and strike again? GWEN: I will not let that happen. I would lay down my life to protect you. [She grabs his hand.] You'll find them Arthur. You and I together. [SCENE_BREAK] [FOREST] [Merlin and Gaius are looking in the woods to see if they can find anything. Merlin sees the vine that Gwen was touching before.] MERLIN: Gaius! [Merlin looks at the vine when Gaius is closer. Gaius goes to examine it.] GAIUS: Yes, that's certainly not natural. MERLIN: It was Morgana, I'm sure of it. [He walks off in the direction that Gwen went running to.] GAIUS: Are you sure we're in the right place? [There's a piece of cloth on a branch.] MERLIN: Gwaine said he spotted them somewhere around here. GAIUS: There. On that branch. [Gaius picks up the cloth. MERLIN: It's not much to go on, is it? [He takes the cloth from Gaius.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Gaius examines the cloth through a magnifying glass.] GAIUS: Raw imported silk. Traders ask a small fortune for it. Whoever that belongs to is extremely wealthy. [Merlin takes the glass and cloth from Gaius. He looks at it.] MERLIN: What is that? Some kind of embroidery? GAIUS: Indeed. Woven threads of silver and gold. Only those of the highest rank can afford such a thing. [Merlin puts the magnifying glass down on the table. He looks at the cloth closer and recognizes it. He takes off running.] GAIUS: Merlin? Where are you going now? --------------- [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Merlin is looking through Gwen's clothes trying to find the dress that matches the cloth. He pulls a dress off its hanger to look at it closer. He puts the cloth next to it, it doesn't match. He sticks his head back in the wardrobe to look.] ARTHUR: Merlin? [Merlin pulls back, turns around and sees Arthur.] Would you care to explain exactly what it is that you're doing? MERLIN: I was just checking for holes. ARTHUR: Holes? [Merlin puts his arm through one of the sleeves.] ARTHUR: Yes. That's where the hand goes. MERLIN: Granted. But look... [He pulls his hand out and puts his other hand in the other sleeve.] ARTHUR: Hm. That, I believe, is where the other hand goes. MERLIN: Right. Yeah, I'm just saying that you can't be too careful. A lady's modesty is at stake, after all. [He pulls his arm out and puts the dress away.] ARTHUR: Is it now? Merlin, I would strongly recommend that you start showing a little less interest in Guinevere's clothing and a little more interest in mine. [Arthur picks up the laundry basket and holds it out to Merlin. He can smell before he takes a hold of the basket.] MERLIN: I think I prefer Gwen's. ARTHUR: I'm going to do everything in my power to try and forget that you ever just said that. [He shoves the basket in Merlin's chest.] I suggest you do the same. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- LOWER TOWN] [Gwen is walking through the town. She nods to some knights that walk past her. She stops at a vendor that sells cloth. An old lady is standing there. Gwen touches one of the silk scarfs. The old lady turns around and grabs her hand. Gwen gasps then realizes that it's Morgana.] MORGANA: Just a few drops will ease your troubles, my dear. Do you understand? [Some knights stop next to them and talk to a woman that is sitting in a chair.] GWEN: Yes. [She glances at the knights.] Come on. MORGANA: Are you prepared? Have you found someone to take the fall? GWEN: Don't worry. I have someone in mind. [Morgana leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- CORRIDOR] [Merlin walks down the corridor to the kitchen to use the washing bin. He steps pass a knight. As he passes a door, Gwen steps through it behind him. They don't see each other.] [Gwen walks to the Royal Chambers.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is preparing to eat dinner. Gwen enters as the servant finishes pouring Arthur's wine.] ARTHUR: Guinevere. I was beginning to wonder where you were. GWEN: Sorry, I had some business to attend to in town. [The servant leaves.] ARTHUR: I hope you have an appetite. GWEN: Mmm. And a thirst. [Arthur stands up to get the pitcher as she sits down. While his back is turned she pours some valerian in his drink.] ARTHUR: What took you into town? GWEN: Oh, just delivering supplies to those most in need. [He pours her a drink.] ARTHUR: Your kindness never ceases to amaze me. [She takes a sip and stares at his goblet.] [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE- KITCHENS] [Merlin is washing Arthur's clothes. He wrings a shirt out and then drops it back in the water. He throws another piece of laundry into the water. He goes to pick up a dumpling.] AUDREY: Keep your grubby hands off my dumplings! [She smacks his hand with her spoon.][Merlin pulls out the rest of the clothes; the last piece is a silver dress. He drops the rest of the clothes back in the basket. He reaches for the piece of cloth that they found. He puts it next to the dress. It matches! He takes off running.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur goes to take a sip of his wine and stops.] ARTHUR: You know, now that I think of it, we never got to have our little celebration, did we? GWEN: Yes, why was that? ARTHUR: To us. [They clink goblets. Arthur takes a sip of wine. He starts to feel the effect of the valerian. Gwen watches him.][Merlin runs down a corridor, opens a door and continues running.][Arthur starting to feel worse. He closes his eyes and slumps over in his chair. Gwen grabs the henbane and opens it. Merlin slides around the corner and still keeps on running. Gwen pours a drop of the henbane in Arthur's ear. She recorks it and smirks.][Merlin runs up and bursts into the room, he sees Arthur slouched over and Gwen nowhere to be found.] [Arthur is now on the bed. Gaius is examining him. Gwen stands on the other side of the bed facing Gaius with the knights and Merlin behind her.] GAIUS: All the evidence suggests that the King has been poisoned. GWEN: You're certain, Gaius? GAIUS: Quite certain. The sweating, the corruption of the skin, the traces of tincture around the ear. They all point to the use of henbane. GWEN: [Acting upset.] Is there no hope? GAIUS: The poison is a deadly one, my lady. [Merlin watches like a hawk from behind a bedpost.] There may be a way to arrest its course but I cannot guarantee it. GWEN: One thing I know for certain. That whoever did this lives among us. Whoever did this has betrayed us all. [She turns to look at the knights then back again.] Someone who is free to roam the Citadel as they please, someone who has access to the King's stables, [Merlin thinks he can tell where this is going.] the King's prison, even the King's food. There is only one I know of... [She turns around and looks at him.] Merlin. [He stares at her.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Merlin is thrown in a cell.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- STAIRCASE] [Gwen is looking out the window. Gaius walks up behind her. She turns to look at him then back to the window faking being upset. Gaius can tell that Gwen is different.] GWEN: How is Arthur? GAIUS: There is no change. [Gwen turns and walks down a step toward Gaius.] GWEN: I know how you much feel-about Merlin. You must believe me when I say how sorry I am. But the evidence against him is overwhelming. GAIUS: You did what you had to do, Guinevere. You had no choice. I understand that. GWEN: Thank you. Is there no hope, Gaius? None at all? GAIUS: I will not lie to you. Arthur's time is nearly upon him. But until the King draws his last breath, there is always hope. [He leaves. Gwen turns back to the window. When Gaius is gone she smiles.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Gaius visits Merlin.] GAIUS: You were right, Merlin. Whatever Morgana did in the Dark Tower, she's taken control over Gwen and used her to get to Arthur. MERLIN: Can you save him? GAIUS: The poison is too strong, too virulent. [A door opens somewhere.] Your magic is his only hope. MERLIN: You need to get me out of here somehow. [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Gwen is sitting next to the bed. Sir Leon is standing behind her.] GWEN: You promised you'd never leave me, Arthur. You promised. He's our strength, our heart. How can I live without him? How can any of us live without him? LEON: Because we must. [He steps toward her and sits in another chair beside her.] My lady. If Arthur is to die we will lose more than that. The kingdom will lose its King. GWEN: While Arthur lives, there is still a King of Camelot. LEON: But when the time comes, and it...and it will surely come soon, we need to be prepared. If we do not have a leader and a guide...Camelot and all the kingdom will be vulnerable. Everything Arthur worked so hard to achieve will be threatened. GWEN: But who could wear his crown? He has no family to succeed him. And who among us is...worthy of such a thing? LEON: You are, my lady. [Gwen turns to look at him.] GWEN: Me? LEON: You are as close to family as Arthur has. No one can deny your wisdom, your compassion and your loyalty. I am certain that were Arthur able to this decision, he would choose you. GWEN: I don't know what to say. LEON: I realize that this is a great responsibility, but you will not be alone. I guarantee you, myself and all the knights will stand by you. Now and forever. GWEN: Thank you, Leon. I am lucky indeed to have such friends. [She puts her hand over his. Gwen turns back to looking at Arthur. She smirks.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Gaius lowers a potion ties to a string into Merlin's cell. Merlin sees it and stands up. He looks at it and gives a small laugh. He looks up at Gaius and takes the potion with a grin. There are two guards playing dice when Old Merlin walks up. They stand and draw their swords when they see him.] GUARD 1: Who are you? OLD MERLIN: What kind of a damn fool question is that? I am who I am and I am who I was and I am who I will always be. GUARD1: That's no answer. OLD MERLIN: What other answer is there? It's the only answer worth giving. GUARD1: What are you doing here? OLD MERLIN: Incredible. You follow one idiot question with another. [He points toward the cells.] I'm visiting the cells, as you perfectly well know. GUARD1: No, you're not. Not unless we say so, you're not. OLD MERLIN: But you already said so. Only ten minutes ago you said so. You said so and I do so! GUARD1: No, we didn't. OLD MERLIN: What on earth is wrong with you? Something interesting in your tea, is there? It's hardly any wonder your prisoners are being murdered if you can't even remember who you're letting in and who you're letting out. You let me in! And I thank you for that. And now, apparently I have to let myself out. Ah! Goodbye! [Old Merlin leaves and the guards look at each other.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- KITCHENS] [Merlin tries to find somewhere to take the potion to turn himself young again. Just as he about to drink the potion Audrey catches him.] AUDREY: You! What are you doing in my kitchen? OLD MERLIN: Nothing. AUDREY: Nothing means mischief in my book. OLD MERLIN: Well you've been reading the wrong book. AUDREY: And mischief means theft. OLD MERLIN: No, it doesn't. AUDREY: And theft means my pies! OLD MERLIN: Your pies? Why on earth would anyone want to steal your godforsaken pies? AUDREY: My pies are the talk of Camelot. OLD MERLIN: Oh yes, indeed they are. The crust like rusted iron, a filling like last year's horse dung, and the smell, oh yes, just like the guardhouses latrine! AUDREY: Nobody insults my pies and gets away with it! OLD MERLIN: Oh I'm sorry, should I speak instead of your poisonous flans? Like vomit, curding in the noon day sun. Or your dumplings! The king himself likened them to freshly lain frogspawn, wrapped in a pig snot. AUDREY: What would you know about the king and my dumplings? OLD MERLIN: Oh good grief. [He knocks her out with a pan using his magic.] Should have done that years ago. [He steps over her and leaves. He takes the potion while walking down a corridor. Merlin sees two guards outside of a door. He makes a candle holder on the wall loose. The guards start to go to investigate. Gwaine and some other knights come from the other end of the corridor, they see Merlin's shadow.] GWAINE: You there! [Merlin takes off running. Gwaine and the others follow.] KNIGHT: You! Halt! [Merlin goes down a dark corridor. Gwaine follows, Mordred grabs a torch from its holder and follows. Merlin goes down the staircase.] KNIGHT: There! This way! [Merlin goes out the door to the main square and slams the door behind him. He goes down the stairs and jumps over the side and hides.] [Gwaine, Mordred and other guards come out.] GWAINE: He's gone. We've lost him! MORDRED: Inform the men we have an intruder. Put the Citadel on high alert. [He makes a gesture for one of the men to leave. Warning bells sound. Guards start searching and shout orders to each other. Merlin watches from his hiding place. Leon runs across the square and stops in the middle, still in Merlin's sight. Mordred and Percival join him. Merlin looks at the Royal Chamber's window, knowing that that is the only way in.] MERLIN: Faerblaed waw! [All the fires go out. The knights look around at each other.] PERCIVAL: That was no wind. That was sorcery. LEON: Light the braziers. Search the courtyard. [Merlin is scaling the wall to the chambers.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Merlin quietly opens the window and climbs in, closing it behind him. Gwaine enters the room.] GWAINE: Are you all right? GWEN: Yes. GWAINE: You haven't seen anything? Heard anything? GWEN: Nothing. Why? GWAINE: There's an intruder within our walls. GWEN: Here? In the Citadel? GWAINE: Yes, my lady. We last saw them in the Main Square, then we lost sight of them. [Gaius looks behind him at the curtains.] GAIUS: My lady, you may be in danger. Gwaine will take you to the guest chambers. He'll ensure no harm comes to you there. GWEN: Why would anyone wish me harm? [Merlin stands up behind the curtain.] GAIUS: You're to be our leader, Gwen. You are Camelot's future. Do you imagine our enemies don't want you dead? GWEN: I can't leave Arthur, not now. GAIUS: Gwen, I promise, if there is any change. I'll fetch you at once. [Merlin peeks around at Arthur.] GWAINE: Gaius is right. Come, my lady. You're not safe here. [Gwaine and Gwen leave the room. Gaius turns towards the curtains.] GAIUS: How on earth did you get in here? [Merlin pushes the curtain aside.] MERLIN: Don't even ask. [He makes his way to the bed.] How is he? GAIUS: His heart is nearly stopped. I fear he's close to death. [Merlin puts his hand on Arthur's chest.] MERLIN: The sickness is so deep in him. I don't know if I have the power to bring him back. GAIUS: You can do this, Merlin. [Merlin straightens up, wipes his face and takes a few breaths. He places his hands on Arthur's chest.] MERLIN: Ic the thurhaele thinu licsar mid thamsundorcraeft thaere ealdan ae! [Merlin backs away so Gaius can step forward to check Arthur. Gaius feels for a pulse. He turns to look at Merlin. Merlin starts to cry. Arthur moves and makes a face and mumbles.] ARTHUR: Gaius... [Arthur rolls over.][Merlin breathes a sigh of relief.] GAIUS: Merlin...Well done, Merlin! [Gaius gives him a hug.] Well done. You'd better get back to the cells before you're missed. MERLIN: There are guards on every floor and every stairwell. How can I get back down there? GAIUS: Well the same way you came up, obviously. MERLIN: Obviously. [Merlin turns toward the window and Gaius makes a shoo motion. Merlin opens the window.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE-DUNGEONS] [Merlin's door opens. He's asleep on the bed. Gaius and Gwaine are standing there.] GAIUS: Morning, Merlin. [Merlin looks up at them.] GWAINE: If you've got a moment, the King would like a word. [Merlin scratches his head and smiles.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is sitting at the table reading a piece of paper. Someone knocks on the door that is already open and Merlin steps into the room.] ARTHUR: Merlin! This is one of the two...possibly three moments in my life where I've actually been glad to see you. MERLIN: That's my thoughts exactly, Sire. How're you feeling? ARTHUR: Like death. Well, death warmed up, at least. MERLIN: I can imagine. ARTHUR: Hm. Well it seems like we've both been through something of an ordeal. [He gestures toward to the chair.] MERLIN: It wasn't so bad, really. Once you get use to the eternal night and the rats, and the moldy pillows, [Merlin sits down.] living with a bucket of your own... ARTHUR: Merlin. I'm sorry about what happened to you. Truly. Soon as I heard, I told them it couldn't have been you who poisoned me. I had the cook confirm your alibi. MERLIN: Thank you. ARTHUR: I also told them you simply weren't bright enough to organize an assassination attempt. MERLIN: That's very thoughtful. ARTHUR: You're welcome. MERLIN: Arthur... ARTHUR: Hmm MERLIN: There is something I need to talk to you about. ARTHUR: Sorry, Merlin, another time. They're waiting for me in the council chambers. [Arthur gets up and walks to the door.] Thanks to Guinevere, some new evidence has to come to light. [He leaves. Merlin wonders what it could be.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- COUNCIL CHAMBERS] [Arthur stands before the people. Gwen at his left hand, and Merlin to the right next to a column. Sindri stands before him.] ARTHUR: The Queen found these vials in my chambers. They bear, as you can see a distinctive mark. Thanks to her tireless effort, she has been able to trace them. [Arthur walks toward Sindri and holds the vial up in front of him.] This is your mark, is it not? SINDRI: It is my mark, yes. ARTHUR: And what does this vial contain? SINDRI: It...it's valerian, sire. ARTHUR: What does it do? SINDRI: It renders the subject unconscious. ARTHUR: [He holds up the second vial.] This one? SINDRI: Henbane. It's poison, my lord. ARTHUR: A lethal poison. And it is only thanks to the great skill of my physician that I am still alive. SINDRI: I'm sorry, my lord. I...I supplied it, I must confess. But I did not know that it was intended for you. In truth, I was..um.. was too afraid to ask. ARTHUR: Too afraid to ask who? SINDRI: She who...procured it. ARTHUR: And did you recognize this woman? SINDRI: Well, I cannot say for certain but I believed it to be Morgana Pendragon. [Arthur nods and the guards take him away. Arthur walks back to the throne.] ARTHUR: Because of the Queen's diligence, the truth has been uncovered. [Arthur takes Gwen's hand and leads her forward.] Each and every one of us owes her a great debt. Long live the Queen. [Gwen stands in front of room smiling while everyone shouts. She turns in a circle and nods her head a few times.] ALL: Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! [She looks at Merlin. He stares at her showing nothing. ALL: Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen! Long live the Queen!

Plan: A: Strange events; Q: What is happening in Camelot? A: Camelot; Q: Where are the strange events occurring? A: harm; Q: What do the strange events bring to the King? A: Tyr; Q: Who is a stable-hand? A: Morgana; Q: Who fears that Tyr will reveal the secret of Guinevere being a traitor? A: Merlin; Q: Who becomes suspicious of Gwen? A: any news; Q: What does Tyr not get a chance to report? A: his magic; Q: What does Merlin use to save Arthur? Summary: Strange events are occurring in Camelot, and all of them seem to bring harm to the King. Tyr, a stable-hand, gets caught in the cross-fire and Morgana fears that he will reveal the secret of Guinevere being a traitor. Merlin becomes suspicious of Gwen, quickly realising that Morgana must have done something to her. Tyr is found dead before he can report any news, and the attempts to kill Arthur continue. Finally, Gwen manages to poison Arthur, forcing Merlin to use his magic to save the King.

1.12 - Double Date CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE [alarm rings] RORY: Mom! [Lorelai comes into the kitchen, takes the coffee pot off the maker while Rory puts her coffee cup in it's place to catch the coffee that's still in the process of being made. Rory puts two pop tarts in the toaster, takes her coffee cup from the coffee maker while Lorelai replaces it with the pot. Lorelai puts the pop tarts on a paper towel while Rory picks up her school bag. Lorelai hands Rory a pop tart and with coffee and pop tart in hand, tries to tie her shirt. Rory hands her her coffee, puts the tart in her mouth and ties it for Lorelai. Lorelai takes the clip out of Rory's hair, gives her a 'what were you thinking' look and tosses it aside. Rory takes her coffee back and they both leave.] CUT TO GILMORE LIVING ROOM [Rory and Lane are sitting on the couch] RORY: Wow, you went new-cd crazy! [dumping a bag full of cd's on the coffee table] LANE: They just had an amazing selection today. RORY: The best of Blondie...Kraftwerk...Young Marble Giants...Yoko Ono - really? LANE: A very misunderstood artist and the Beattles would've broken up anyways. RORY: Have you shared this theory with anyone? LANE: I know it, Yoko knows it, Sean knows it. Julian's still in denial but what can you do? RORY: Ok, I must listen to anyone named Claudine Longet [puts cd in player] LANE: Rory... RORY: Yes Lane? LANE: I have a favor to ask you. RORY: Uh huh? LANE: Well you know Dean? RORY: My boyfriend? LANE: Yes. RORY: Yes I do. LANE: Ok...well remember I was telling you about his friend Todd? RORY: Todd. Yes. LANE: Have you met him? RORY: No. LANE: Well he's cool. RORY: Good. LANE: Really cool. RORY: Good again. LANE: Really, really cool. RORY: Good still holds. LANE: So cool in fact that it brings me to the next question [Lorelai comes into living room] LORELAI: Hey. I'm studying in there... RORY: I know. LORELAI: Yeah. I have like 6,000 pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on I'm behind, and I'll probably fail and then that little 18 year old annoying knat who sits behind me will get another ‘A' and make that ‘ I'm smart you're dumb' fact to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry. RORY: The music's too loud. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: Thank you [Lorelai turns and goes back into the kitchen as Rory turns down the volume.] LANE: So anyhow, I was wondering if you could talk to Dean about maybe talking to Todd about me. RORY: I guess. LANE: And then maybe you could ask Dean to ask him out - for me. RORY: Good, cause I don't think Dean would want to go out with Todd. Might screw up their friendship. LANE: And then I was thinking that this date could maybe happen this weekend. RORY: Huh. LANE: Sunday preferably. RORY: Well - LANE: After church. RORY: Lane - LANE: But don't mention church. RORY: Ok, hold on a sec - LANE: Unless he's into church. [Lorelai comes into the living room again] LORELAI: Hey, uh, now it's too quiet. RORY: I'll turn it up. LORELAI: Thank you [starts to leave] RORY: Ok. LANE: So what do you think? LORELAI: [turning back] Who the hell is that anyways? RORY: Claudine Longet. LORELAI: The chick who shot the skier? RORY: Uh, sure, why not. LORELAI: Wow - renaissance woman [turns and leaves] RORY: [to Lane] You want me to set you up with Todd? LANE: Yes and I was thinking that you and Dean could come out with us so that it's not that big of a deal. RORY: Oh. LANE: You don't want to do it? RORY: No I - LANE: That's ok, I understand - no big deal. Hey Grand Daddy new album used - I love a bargain. RORY: I just really don't know this Todd guy. LANE: I do. RORY: You've met him twice LANE: But the 3rd time's a charm RORY: How do you know this guy's right for you? LANE: I know, I'm telling you. We're talking soul mate here. RORY: The last time you met you soul mate, you ran your fingers through his hair and ended up hiding at my house for the evening. LANE: Well I still have my key. RORY: Lane? LANE: Look, I made a mistake with Rich Bloomenfeld. Everybody's allowed one mistake. But Todd, Todd is different. RORY: He is? LANE: First of all his name is Todd - Different name different guy [Lorelai come back into living room] LORELAI: Ok so, [turning off music] how important is this whole business school thing anyway? I mean, so what if I never run my own inn? I like my job, I like my house, I like my life. And I certainly don't want to be one of those people who's never satisfied with what they have you know? I mean some people don't have legs or arms. I have legs and arms. What more could I possibly want than legs and arms? I mean, I could take all the classes in the world, that's still not going to give me what I already have. RORY: Legs and arms. LORELAI: Yes. [pause] Am I sounding completely crazy? RORY: Yes you are. LORELAI: Wal-Mart is boring! RORY: Study! LORELAI: Aah! [leaves] LANE: So? RORY: So? LANE: Rory? RORY: Ok. LANE: Really? RORY: Yes, Yoko [they hug] LORELAI: So [she comes and sits between the two and taps their legs] Whatcha doing? CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is sitting at front desk studying. Michel comes up to her and stares at her] LORELAI: Yes Michel? MICHEL: I apologize for any inconvenience I might be causing your future employment but your current one is experiencing a problem. LORELAI: And once again I say 'Yes Michel?' MICHEL: Are you sure you wouldn't like me to wait? LORELAI: No Michel. MICHEL: Because learning the eating patterns of the average Taco Bell consumer is a vital lesson that - LORELAI: Michel. What do you want? MICHEL: We are overbooked. LORELAI: How are we overbooked? MICHEL: Well there are more people here than there are rooms to put them in. LORELAI: I don't understand this. MICHEL: Well I cannot describe it any simpler than I already have. LORELAI: Well where did the Rucker's come from? MICHEL: Well judging from their clothing a town where high rubber fishing boots and spittoons would be considered formal wear. LORELAI: Ok, put them in the Jefferson suite tonight, move them back to their previously booked room tomorrow and offer them dinner on the house for the inconvenience. MICHEL: Very well. LORELAI: I'm gonna get some more coffee if you need me. MICHEL: I'll try and manage while you're gone, though God knows it won't be easy. LORELAI: (entering kitchen) Coffee? SOOKIE: Yes. LORELAI: Great. SOOKIE: Necesito las hojas grandes. LORELAI: Oh! Meringue. SOOKIE: Yeah, I thought I'd do a variation on a baked Alaska for dessert tonight. LORELAI: What kind of variation? SOOKIE: See I hadn't thought of that yet. LORELAI: Maybe you could do them in the actual shape of Alaska. SOOKIE: Interesting. LORELAI: Or you could do little baked Alaskas and Hawaiis SOOKIE: Because they joined the union last. LORELAI: Exactly. [Sookie giggles] JACKSON: Oh [coming in the door] SOOKIE: Jackson. JACKSON: Sookie - hello. SOOKIE: Hello. LORELAI: Hey. JACKSON: I brought you um - SOOKIE: [stuttering] Yeah, well great. Just put them down there. [Lorelai watching the exchange] JACKSON: Right. Oh, yes [puts carrots on the counter] How's that? SOOKIE: That's great, that's just perfect. I really like them there. JACKSON: Yeah they - they do look good there don't they? SOOKIE: Yes they do. JACKSON: Ok. Well I should - [turns to leave] SOOKIE: Uh, squash. JACKSON: What? SOOKIE: I need some. JACKSON: Squash. SOOKIE: Pattypan JACKSON: Ok, tomorrow? SOOKIE: Same time? JACKSON: If that's good for you? SOOKIE: It is, it's perfect. JACKSON: Ok then, I-I'll see you tomorrow with the pattypan. SOOKIE: Great. JACKSON: Yes. [leaves] [Sookie rolls her eyes] LORELAI: Ok so...who walked in on who naked? SOOKIE: Oh God this is horrible! He comes in and - horrible. LORELAI: What's going on between you two? SOOKIE: I asked him if he'd like to have dinner sometime. LORELAI: I know - weeks ago. SOOKIE: And he said yes. LORELAI: Which is good. SOOKIE: But since there's not definite plan or date attached, now the invitation is just out there floating in the universe. LORELAI: So make a definite plan. SOOKIE: I can't. LORELAI: Why? SOOKIE: Because what if he says no? LORELAI: He already said yes. SOOKIE: Yes to the amorphous, theoretical, 'Let's maybe sometime go out and do something not too specific' proposition. But dinner and a movie - it's concrete. It's real, he might say no. LORELAI: I doubt he will. SOOKIE: Well why hasn't he asked me? LORELAI: I don't know, maybe he thinks you've changed your mind since you asked. SOOKIE: Well why would he think that? LORELAI: Because you haven't mentioned it again. SOOKIE: But I mentioned it once, it's his turn. LORELAI: Alright, let's say it is his turn, you can spend a lot of time sitting around waiting for him to realize it's his turn, or you can just run with the wolves and make it your turn again. SOOKIE: I don't want it to be my turn again. LORELAI: You just wanna let this opportunity pass? SOOKIE: I wanna be the girl. LORELAI: You are the girl. That's why we're having this very confusing conversation. SOOKIE: You think I should ask him out? LORELAI: On Sunday. SOOKIE: Why Sunday? LORELAI: Because that's your day off. SOOKIE: Ok. LORELAI: Now. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: I think you should do it now before you lose your nerve. SOOKIE: Well he's not back to his office yet. LORELAI: Does he have a cell phone? SOOKIE: Yes. LORELAI: You know people buy cell phones for exactly this reason - so you could get a hold of them anytime you want. SOOKIE: I thought people bought cell phones in case their cars broke down at night and they needed to call someone for help and there's psycho killers - LORELAI: Call him. SOOKIE: Call him? LORELAI: Call him Sookie. SOOKIE: Call him [giggles] [They go over to the phone] LORELAI: Mmm, she knows his number by heart. SOOKIE: He is my produce guy. LORELAI: Very convenient excuse. SOOKIE: He - [into the phone] Oh Jackson? It's Sookie. [picks up a wooden spoon and plays with it in her hair] I was wondering if you could call me back when you get a chance, sooner rather than later, it's not an emergency so don't freak out or anything. The carrots still look good. It seems like it's almost a shame to eat them, sort of like you should put them in a vase or - LORELAI: [whispers] Sookie, hang up. Hang up. SOOKIE: Call me, bye. [giggles] Got his voice mail. LORELAI: Ok good. It give you time to prepare what you're going to say. Maybe have a few suggestions ready of places to go. SOOKIE: Date prep time. LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Ok good. I'm good at that. I'm good at prep. [picks up a pad of paper] LORELAI: Sookie...spoon. [takes spoon away.] SOOKIE: Right. CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Rory sitting on a bench reading. Dean come out, sees her and goes and sits with her] DEAN: Is there anything in there about me? RORY: I don't know. You name wouldn't be Lithium would it? DEAN: Aren't you supposed to be in school? RORY: We had a half day today - teacher conferences. So I thought I'd come by and surprise you. DEAN: Well you know how much I hate surprises. RORY: Yes, I'm very sorry. [Dean kisses her] DEAN: That's for surprising me. RORY: I have learned my lesson. [Dean kisses her again. Rory stops him after a second] RORY: I have to talk to you about something. DEAN: Ok, I have to talk to you about something too. Come here [ kisses her again] RORY: Ok stop. DEAN: Sorry. [leans in to kiss her again] RORY: No stay! DEAN: Why? RORY: Because I really need to talk to you about something. DEAN: [sighs] Alright. RORY: It's about Todd. DEAN: What about him? RORY: What do you think of him? DEAN: He's my friend. RORY: I know. DEAN: So that would signify a positive impression. RORY: Right. Ok. Good. DEAN: Yes, can I kiss you now? RORY: I'm not done yet. DEAN: Fine. Go ahead. RORY: Well you know Lane. DEAN: Yeah, I do. RORY: She likes Todd. DEAN: Ok. RORY: And I think that they would really hit it off. DEAN: You - you don't even know Todd. RORY: No but you do. And you like him - you said so. DEAN: I did. RORY: Ok then. There you go. DEAN: I would - I would really like to kiss you now. RORY: Yeah so would I. DEAN: Ok, good. We agree [leans in for a kiss while she leans back] RORY: I think we should set them up. DEAN: Todd and Lane? RORY: Yeah. We could all go out together - like to a movie or something on Sunday. DEAN: Rory - RORY: It would be really casual - no big deal. DEAN: I just - RORY: What? DEAN: I mean, I'm just not sure that I see them together. RORY: You don't think Todd would like Lane? DEAN: I'm not sure. RORY: Lane is great. DEAN: Yeah, I know. RORY: She's my best friend. DEAN: Yeah, I-I know that. RORY: Todd should be so lucky to get a girl like her. DEAN: I didn't mean - RORY: I mean I can't believe that you don't think that she's good enough - DEAN: [over Rory] No, no, no - RORY: or I don't know pretty enough. DEAN: I didn't say anything about her not being pretty enough - RORY: Well you did - DEAN: Let me finish. I just don't know if he'll like her because I don't know what kind of girl he likes. RORY: Well - DEAN: But if you want to do this, then I'll talk to him. RORY: You will? DEAN: Yeah. RORY: And you'll mention Sunday? DEAN: I will mention Sunday. RORY: Thank you. DEAN: You're welcome. So...was that it? RORY: Yeah that was it. DEAN: Then can we... RORY: Kissing. Right, let's go. [they kiss] CUT TO INN [Lorelai still studying] LORELAI: [slamming book] I give up. MICHEL: That's the spirit. LORELAI: I can't remember any of this crap. MICHEL: Well, not everyone is cut out to be their own boss. Maybe you are more of a worker bee, a follower, a ticket ripper, or the man at the concert with the orange glow stick directing you were to park. LORELAI: You're baiting me aren't you? MICHEL: No, I seriously have no faith in your aptitude. SOOKIE: [rushing up to desk] He called! He called! LORELAI: And? SOOKIE: Well, I did what you said. I had it all worked out and I asked him if he'd like to go to dinner at Chez Fleur on Sunday. LORELAI: Chez Fleur very nice. SOOKIE: Hm, thank you. He said he would love to. LORELAI: Oh great! SOOKIE: He said he would love to but his cousin's in town and he's staying with him for the week. LORELAI: Oh, well then just make it next week. SOOKIE: Yes, see that would've been a good option had I thought of it when I was on the phone, but instead - I came up with another option. LORELAI: Which is? SOOKIE: That we double date with his cousin Rune and you. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Yes, ok, not as good as your option I agree. But it seemed pretty good at the time - though I wasn't standing here watching you make that face. LORELAI: Sookie no. I hate blind dates. SOOKIE: I know, but this isn't a blind date. This is you keeping his cousin company while I have a date with Jackson. LORELAI: Oh God. SOOKIE: Lorelai please. I'll be your best friend. LORELAI: You are my best friend. SOOKIE: And you're mine. LORELAI: I know I am. SOOKIE: So what are best friends for? LORELAI: Ok. SOOKIE: Yes? LORELAI: Yes, I'll go. SOOKIE: [squeals] Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will not regret this. LORELAI: Pick another phrase. SOOKIE: You will not have to pay LORELAI: Much better [sighs] Oh shut up [ to Michel who's smiling. Opens up book again] CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE LORELAI: Rory? RORY: What? LORELAI: Diva Glam. RORY: I've got it. LORELAI: Bring it up. [to Sookie] Hold still. SOOKIE: Not too much. LORELAI: No - just enough to say ‘hey sailor' SOOKIE: My stomach doesn't feel so great. I think I've got the flu. LORELAI: I think you're nervous. [Rory comes into room] RORY: Here. LORELAI: Thank you. RORY: I need the sparkly hair clips LORELAI: Ok, I'll find them in a minute. RORY: [to Sookie] You look pretty. LORELAI: I do? RORY: Uh huh. [leaves] SOOKIE: Oh thank you. [to Lorelai] I should cancel. LORELAI: Ok, let's do you lips first. SOOKIE: What if I'm making an idiot out of myself. LORELAI: By going out on a date? SOOKIE: With my produce guy. LORELAI: You like him. SOOKIE: But what if tonight is a disaster and them he won't sell to me anymore. LORELAI: Oh my God, you're right. SOOKIE: Yes, see! LORELAI: And since all the produce in the entire world is in his possession and all the produce that will be grown in the future will be in his possession, then we will never again be able to get any produce and all our vegetarian clients will die. SOOKIE: I'm scared. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I like him. LORELAI: He likes you. SOOKIE: How do you know he's not being polite? LORELAI: Sookie! SOOKIE: No I mean it. [gets up and paces] It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes. LORELAI: He did not have to say yes. SOOKIE: Oh my God. Technically I am his employer. LORELAI: Sookie! SOOKIE: I am, I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on my. LORELAI: Sookie! SOOKIE: Oh! I'm a sexual harasser LORELAI: Well then you need some false eyelashes. SOOKIE: This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal. LORELAI: Ok, stop talking. SOOKIE: But - LORELAI: No you have exhausted all your talking rights by being crazy. Sit down and listen. [Sookie sits] LORELAI: Tonight is a good thing. Whether you find out that you're madly in love you or you're not meant for each other, it's still a good thing. And I'll be right there. And have I done a gorgeous job on your face or what? Ooh, I'll be right back [picking up clips] CUT TO RORY'S ROOM [Rory and Lane getting ready] LANE: You're sure you don't mind? RORY: What's mine is yours. LANE: I owe you forever. RORY: Good to know. LANE: Which one do you think Todd would like better? [holding up two jackets] RORY: I don't know Todd. LANE: I think the rhinestones. RORY: Rhinestones it is. So what did you tell your mom? LANE: I told her that I was going to spend the evening here with you guys. RORY: What if she calls? LANE: Well I mentioned that we might go and rent some videos or go out to eat which could explain any absence during her call. RORY: Very thorough. LANE: With my mom, you can leave nothing to chance. Especially when there is a non-korean involved who as far as I know has no medical aspirations. LORELAI: [coming into room] Hey, sparkly clips. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Ooh, I like the rhinestones. [leaves] RORY: And for a touch of glamour. [putting them in Lane's hair] LANE: So what are you going to tell Lorelai? RORY: I don't know. LANE: She wouldn't tell my mom would she? RORY: I don't know if she'd feel good lying to another mother. It's like this weird code thing with her. LANE: So we don't tell her? RORY: I'm not liking that option either. LANE: No. We'll tell her that we're meeting Dean for a movie, and then we go to the movie and then somebody who just happens to be a friend of Dean's, just happens to be there, for the same movie and so we figure that it would be completely rude for us to not ask said person to come sit with us. RORY: I say to hell with governor, you run directly for president. LANE: It's not that bad. RORY: Let's just not think about it, ok? LANE: I really appreciate this. RORY: I know. LANE: How do I look? RORY: You look too good for him. LANE: Just what I was going for. [giggles and they leave the room] RORY: We're going [to Lorelai] LORELAI: Oh, where? LANE: We're going to a movie with Dean. LORELAI: Nothing dirty, violent or French please RORY: Are you going to be home late? LORELAI: Well there's a bit of doubt as to whether or not we'll ever actually get out of the house at all tonight. Sookie please! SOOKIE: Ok! I'm here, I'm down [coming down the stairs] LORELAI: Wow! Hey, where's your coat? SOOKIE: It's upstairs. LORELAI: Aren't you gonna need it? SOOKIE: Oh well, it got caught around the thing, and then when I twisted around to get loose, and then the choking started. I'm free now. LORELAI: Ok. I'll get you something to wear. SOOKIE: I would appreciate that. RORY: Bye. LANE: Bye SOOKIE: Bye kittens [girls leave] LORELAI: Bye girls. LORELAI: Huh? [with a blue shawl in hand] SOOKIE: Oh this is beautiful. LORELAI: It goes with the theme of the evening. SOOKIE: This is a really nice thing you're doing for me. LORELAI: Anytime Sookie. SOOKIE: Last looks [Does a turn while Lorelai claps] [knock on the door] LORELAI: I'll get it. [Sookie exhales] LORELAI: Hi, JACKSON: Hi Lorelai, sorry we're late. LORELAI: Oh no problem. Just adds a little more primping time for the ladies. SOOKIE: Hi Jackson JACKSON: Sookie, hi SOOKIE: Hi. JACKSON: Hi. SOOKIE: Hi. JACKSON: Hi. SOOKIE: Hi. LORELAI: Ok, uh do you guys wanna come in for a minute? JACKSON: Oh sure. [they enter] Oh, uh Lorelai, this is my cousin Rune, Rune this is Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi, it's very nice to meet you [extends hand but Rune doesn't take it] RUNE: Can I talk to you a minute? JACKSON: What's the matter? RUNE: I need a minute alone, please? JACKSON: Excuse us. [Rune takes Jackson outside] JACKSON: What are you doing? RUNE: That's Lorelai? JACKSON: Yes. RUNE: Did you see how tall she is? JACKSON: No, I haven't noticed actually. RUNE: How could you not notice, she's like a basketball player. JACKSON: Rune, she's a very nice lady! RUNE: You know I cannot go out with anyone that tall. I mean God! I can't believe you set me up with that. What, was the bearded lady busy tonight or something? [Sookie and Lorelai, who are listening, exchange a look] JACKSON: It's just one night, a little dinner. RUNE: When she came to the door it never crossed my mind that that was who I had to spend the evening with. I thought it was her East German maid or something. JACKSON: You're being ridiculous, she's not that tall! RUNE: She's tall enough! JACKSON: Would you keep it down, she's gonna hear you! RUNE: With those big ears I bet she can. JACKSON: Hey Rune, you come into town completely unannounced, you eat all my food, you crash on my couch and I don't say a thing. The least you could do is go out for one night - make some conversation, be pleasant, who knows, maybe you'll enjoy it! RUNE: But why can't we go out - just to the two of us. JACKSON: Rune, please. RUNE: [sighs] Ok. JACKSON: Thank you [Both go back to the front door.] Ok, I think we should be going. SOOKIE: Yes that sounds good. [Lorelai looks at Rune, who turns away. She closes the door behind her.] CUT TO CHEZ FLEUR [All sitting in silence looking at the menu. Rune is staring at Lorelai, she forces a smile] RUNE: What size shoe do you wear? LORELAI: Uh, size 9. RUNE: 9? Wow. SOOKIE: I wonder if the mussels are fresh? LORELAI: Um, well, it does say ‘fresh mussels' on the menu. SOOKIE: Yes, but a lot of times they say ‘fresh' and they're not, they're frozen but they're just called ‘fresh' because they were fresh when they were frozen. [Jackson nodding and smiling at her] Plus if they're not stored with the correct drainage they just sit around in their own excretions, with is kind of like sitting around in your own - LORELAI: Sookie, I beg of you, do not order the fresh mussels. SOOKIE: But if they're fresh - LORELAI: Even if they're fresh. JACKSON: I wonder where they get their carrots from The carrot crop this year has been really mealy. LORELAI: [sighs] So...Rune... RUNE: Yes? LORELAI: What is that - ‘Rune' ? RUNE: What do you mean? LORELAI: I mean, where did ‘Rune' come from? RUNE: I'm from out of town, I thought Jackson told you? LORELAI: He did tell me, I meant the name ‘Rune'. You just don't meet a lot of ‘Runes', right? [giggles a bit] RUNE: It was my dad's name. LORELAI: Oh, where'd he get it? RUNE: [annoyed] I don't know, from his parents I guess. LORELAI: Ok, done with that topic [waiter approaches] Oh the waiter, thanks the Lord. WAITER: What can I get you this evening? SOOKIE: I'd like to ask about the mussels, are they fresh? WAITER: Yes they are. JACKSON: And where exactly are your carrots from? WAITER: Well - RUNE: Is there anything on this menu that isn't French? LORELAI: I'll just have a martini and keep'em coming. [Waiter leaves] Thanks. [Table goes back to sitting in silence] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE BOOKSTORE [Rory and Dean are in line. She's looking at Lane and Todd in line behind them.] DEAN: What are you doing? RORY: Nothing. DEAN: They're fine. RORY: I am not looking at them. I'm looking at the world around me. DEAN: The world is fine too. RORY: I just want to make sure they're having fun. DEAN: They're having fun. RORY: How do you know? DEAN: They're not in prison or in some sort of medieval torture chamber. RORY: Well when you measure it that way - [Pan to Lane and Todd] LANE: And the amazing thing is, all these girls are screaming and none of them are getting the joke. He's playing the character of a rock star. I mean Beck is a genius and all these stupid girls are screaming at him just because they're buying into the rock star image. I love Beck. I understand Beck. [looks at Todd nervously who doesn't say anything] And the Foo Fighters - Gods. I mean, have you heard the acoustic version of ‘Everlong'? I can't even talk about it you know? Hey, you know who I've really gotten into lately? The velvet underground. Oh and Nico - she's amazing - Depressing scary German chick. I have the cd if you wanna borrow it sometime. Wh-what kind of music do you like? TODD: I don't know - whatever. LANE: Fugazi? TODD: What? LANE: The band on your shirt. TODD: Oh. Huh, pretty cool picture. LANE: You don't know what's on your shirt? TODD: It's my sister's. LANE: Oh. [Rory looks over her shoulder intently. Lane gives her a forced smile. Dean turns Rory's face forward.] LANE: Well what about books? Do you like books? TODD: Mmm. [shrugging] LANE: Magazines? [Todd's silent] What about school? What are you majoring in? TODD: I was thinking about gym. LANE: Gym? TODD: If I major in gym, I only have to take 4 classes my senior year. LANE: Oh, cool [Pan to Rory and Dean] RORY: Gym? DEAN: We work on our bikes together. He's got the good tools. CUT TO CHEZ FLEUR [Rune yawning] SOOKIE: [giggling] It was so funny. Oh God! Do you remember? LORELAI: I remember. SOOKIE: What was Rory, eight? LORELAI: I believe she was. SOOKIE: Oh god, that mud pie fiasco haunted me for a year! I mean, hers looked just like mine. Of course I used you know, homemade chocolate cookies, bittersweet ganache and she used well, mud. You know, but they did look damn similar. Oh. [Rune is cutting the heads off of swans with his knife] LORELAI: So, uh, Sookie's been experimenting with, um, different forms of baking ever since I've known her. JACKSON: Oh, well, that's very interesting. SOOKIE: Yeah. Hey Lorelai, remember when I decided to teach you how to make strawberry tarts [Jackson looks bored] and the entire kitchen was stained red and I had to repaint that one wall red just to make it look normal? Do you remember? Wasn't it? LORELAI: Mmm, it was. Sookie, let's go powder our noses. RUNE: You'll need a lot of powder. LORELAI: We'll be right back. Come on hon. SOOKIE: Oh, ok. [They get up and leave. Jackson give Rune a ‘what are you doing?' look] LORELAI: Honey, no matter how many beers you buy me tonight, I'm not the one going home with you, so I would concentrate on the one who might. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: You haven't said a word to Jackson all night. SOOKIE: I haven't have I? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: I know. I'm just - Oh, I'm so nervous. LORELAI: You're nervous? You don't have some guy staring at you like he's Cher and you're the kid from ‘Mask'. SOOKIE: I can - I can't think of anything to say. LORELAI: To Jackson? SOOKIE: Yes, to Jackson. LORELAI: Yes, cause to me tonight there's been no ‘off' button. SOOKIE: I-I just - ugh! This place is too fancy, my hair is too tight and this dress is all wrong. And he looks really good doesn't he? LORELAI: Yes he does. SOOKIE: I'm being crazy, I know I'm being crazy. LORELAI: No. You're just putting too much pressure on this whole evening. Look, in five seconds I can take your hair down, we can go some place more casual and personally I think you're wrong about the dress. SOOKIE: Really? LORELAI: Yes. Come on. Let's got to Luke's. You know, have burgers, talk, relax - no pressure, no stress, unless I wind up stepping on Rune which might be fun. SOOKIE: That would be great. LORELAI: Ok, come on. SOOKIE: Alright. CUT TO BOOKSTORE [Lane and Todd are in a theater-like seating watching the movie] LANE: Ok, what about movies, you must have a favorite movie. TODD: Yes I do! LANE: Great! What is it? TODD: Beethoven. LANE: Beethoven? The one with the dog? TODD: There's this scene where this little dog is running around with a huge cabbage in it's mouth. Oh man, it's classic! I shot my Dr. Pepper right outta my nose! I swear! [Lane forces another smile] CUT TO LUKE'S [The four enter] RUNE: [sniffs] Ew. LORELAI: Welcome to Luke's. JACKSON: Well this is much better. SOOKIE: It is, isn't it? LORELAI: Grab a seat, I'll get some menus LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Hey, four menus, a coffee and an anvil please. LUKE: What's the anvil for? LORELAI: For Rune? LUKE: What's a Rune. LORELAI: Please not that question again. LUKE: Ok. [gets coffee. Lorelai sighs and looks at them sitting in silence] Here you go. LORELAI: Mind if I hang out here a sec? LUKE: Why? What's going on over there? LORELAI: Sookie and Jackson are on their first date. LUKE: Seems to be going well. LORELAI: I think I'd wear blue to the wedding. LUKE: Who's the other guy? LORELAI: That's Jackson's cousin. He's my date! LUKE: Lucky girl! LORELAI: Yes, I think so. He is, believe it or not, even less thrilled with the match up than I am. LUKE: You're kidding, why? LORELAI: I'm too tall. LUKE: [laughs] Get out. LORELAI: I'm serious. LUKE: Doesn't he understand how great that is? You can get all the stuff from the top shelf. LORELAI: Exactly. That is exactly what I bring to a relationship. Explain that to him will you. [takes a sip of coffee] Mmm. Luke, that is an exceptionally good batch of coffee. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Hello! LUKE: I added a little nutmeg. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: That's very Richard Simmons of you. LUKE: Well what can I say. Chicks dig a man with a feminine side. LORELAI: Oh. RUNE: Ok [standing up] I'm really bored. JACKSON: Sit down, we're about ready to order. RUNE: I don't wanna order, I don't wanna eat here. I wanna go. JACKSON: Rune. RUNE: Jackson...Look I came out with you tonight under the impression that I'd have fun. First I get stuck with her, then I get dragged to a French restaurant, then I get dragged out of a French restaurant. God knows where I am now. LORELAI: Oh, you're at Luke's. RUNE: I've been very patient Jackson. Sunday night's almost over, I wanna go bowling. JACKSON: Well I - RUNE: And I'd like you to go bowling with me. JACKSON: Oh...well [looking at Sookie who's looking at her hands] I guess we should...[starts to stand] SOOKIE: Don't go! JACKSON: Really?! SOOKIE: Yes. Stay here. We haven't really even started our date yet. JACKSON: No we haven't. Sorry Rune, you're on your own tonight. RUNE: Fine, I'll just see you at home then - maybe [leaves] LORELAI: Bye Loon! [looks over at the two] Finally. LUKE: I guess you'll only need three menus now. LORELAI: Hey, why don't you make up three fabulous cheeseburgers and send two over there. I'll have mine here. LUKE: First I gotta watch a man walk out on you, then I have to watch you eat alone. Nope. Too pathetic. LORELAI: I'm not eating alone. You're here. LUKE: I'm working. LORELAI: Yeah but after three cheeseburgers you're done, unless you're expecting Elijah to stop by. LUKE: Ok. Fine. [pulls out a deck of cards] 5-card draw. LORELAI: Oh! You're on. [Luke deals as Lorelai watches intently] LORELAI: Mm-hm. Mm-hm [looks at her cards] Uh...huh. Give me four. [looks at them again] Aah, no four more. LUKE: You can't have four more, those are the four I dealt you. LORELAI: Well these don't help me and I have vowed to discard anything negative in my life - first Rune and now these four cards. LUKE: Whatever you say [giving her another 4] LORELAI: Ooh, much better, thank you. LUKE: Rune knew when to run away. LORELAI: Ha. [Sookie and Jackson are giggling] LORELAI: God that's nice. LUKE: Yep. LORELAI: The whole ‘first date, beginning of the relationship' glow - everything is new and exciting. LUKE: Every joke is hilarious. LORELAI: Every little touch is incredible [touching Luke's arm] LUKE: Mm-hm. LORELAI: God that's a good feeling. LUKE: It is at that. LORELAI: I miss that. LUKE: You'll have it again. LORELAI: Mmm...I guess. [Mrs Kim sees Lorelai through the window] LUKE: You know, maybe sometime we could... [Door slams] MRS. KIM: Where are the girls? LORELAI: What? MRS. KIM: Lane said she's with you and Rory. LORELAI: W - slow down. MRS. KIM: I call - no answer, I think they are at the video store, I call again - no answer. I call a 3rd time - no answer! LORELAI: You had a lot of time on your hands tonight. MRS. KIM: I have to know where girls are. LORELAI: They said they were going to a movie. MRS. KIM: With who? LORELAI: They were going to meet Dean. MRS. KIM: A boy? [with disgust] You let them go with a boy? LORELAI: Mrs. Kim, Dean is Rory's boyfriend. MRS. KIM: Just because you let your daughter run around with boys doesn't mean I let mine. LORELAI: I thought you knew. MRS. KIM: I didn't know! They could be anywhere, they could be doing anything. Smoking, or drinking or buying drugs! LORELAI: They're at the movies. There's no drugs there. They don't even have the real red vines. MRS. KIM: I need to find them [leaves] LORELAI: I'm coming with [leaves too] CUT TO OUTSIDE BOOKSTORE TODD: Good flick, good flick. DEAN: Yeah not bad. RORY: Lane, what'd you think? LANE: Uh, I think it's really late and I should be getting home. TODD: Really? LANE: Yeah but it's been fun. TODD: Oh come on. Let's go get some ice cream or something - eat it really fast, get that freezy brain thing going. It's cool. LANE: So tempting and yet - MRS. KIM: LANE KIM! [shouting in Korean] LANE: My mom! RORY: My mom! TODD: Two moms, that's gotta be bad. LANE: Mama, I was just about - MRS. KIM: [shouting in Korean] RORY: Mom, I can - LORELAI: So not the time Rory. MRS. KIM: You lied to me. LANE: I'm sorry. MRS. KIM: Get home right now! [leave] TODD: Whoa, rough family. DEAN: What's going on? LORELAI: Oh bits of information were left out of the mom packets tonight. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: Ok. Mother/daughter #2 are leaving now. Say bye Rory. RORY: [to Dean] Bye. DEAN: I'll, uh call you later. LORELAI: Aah. DEAN: I'll call you tomorrow. LORELAI: Yeah, bye Dean. TODD: That's Rory's mom? She's a babe man! LORELAI: [walking away] And what were you thinking? RORY: I know. LORELAI: You lied to me - me! What is that nonsense all about? RORY: I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have done it. LORELAI: Damn right you shouldn't have done it. RORY: But Lane really wanted to go out with Todd, and of course she could tell her mother so I didn't tell you so you wouldn't have to lie for us. LORELAI: You lied to me so I wouldn't have to lie to Mrs. Kim? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Oh my God you really are my daughter. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on. RORY: I know. LORELAI: This whole trust thing only works if it goes both ways kid. RORY: I hated doing it. LORELAI: Good. RORY: Would you have? LORELAI: What? RORY: Lied for us? LORELAI: To Mrs. Kim? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: No. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because that lady's scary. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I can't lie to another mother. That's breaking the code. RORY: So then what were we supposed to do tonight? LORELAI: Look, I know that Mrs. Kim and Robert Duvall in ‘The Great Santini' share a striking resemblance, but she is Lane's mom. She has the right to tell Lane she can't do something, you have to respect that and I really have to respect that. RORY: So we were in a no-win situation tonight. LORELAI: Yep. RORY: Great. LORELAI: Sorry. [pause] Hey, you know the one good thing we all learned from this? RORY: What? LORELAI: [smiling] That I'm a babe. CUT TO OUTSIDE LANE'S HOUSE. [Rory climbed a tree to get to Lane's bedroom window. Knocks.] LANE: Hey. RORY: What's up Rapunzel? LANE: Don't take this the wrong way, but in all my various fantasies about who might appear at this window, you never actually made the list. RORY: So how are you? I haven't heard from you in days. LANE: I'm ok, I guess. RORY: I was afraid to call. LANE: I think that's best for now. RORY: Your mom's really mad huh? LANE: The words ‘convent' and ‘Siberia' were both used several times and at least once as a combo. RORY: I'm really sorry Lane. LANE: It's not your fault. RORY: I shouldn't have arranged it. I should've - LANE: You arranged it because I asked you to and I'm really glad you did. RORY: You are? LANE: If you hadn't set me up with Todd, then I would still be in love with him. RORY: Not the guy for you huh? LANE: Not the guy for anybody who can read, write, talk or function on a basic human level. RORY: I'm sorry. LANE: I was so bored that night I couldn't see straight. I've been on Korean meditation weekends that have had more laughs. RORY: He liked you though, Dean told me. LANE: I know, he called here. RORY: You're kidding. LANE: I pretended to be my mother and wouldn't allow me to speak to him. Is that mean? RORY: [giggles] I think he'll survive. He and Dean went muffler shopping today. LANE: That's nice. RORY: So how long before you can get out? LANE: I don't know. Right now I have to be in the house at all times except for school and church. RORY: She didn't give you any time frame at all? LANE: Nope. RORY: I miss you. LANE: I miss you too. RORY: Is there anything I can do? LANE: Yeah, don't tell anyone I went out with Todd ok? RORY: [smiling] Promise [They hear a noise] LANE: I gotta go. RORY: Bye. CUT TO INSIDE KIM HOUSEHOLD MRS. KIM: [angrily]You break you buy! MAN: But it was sticking out in the aisle. MRS. KIM: You break you buy! [Lorelai comes in.] MAN But I didn't put it in the aisle. MRS. KIM: You have eyes yes? MAN: Yes I have eyes? MRS. KIM: These eyes work? MAN Yes these eyes work. MRS. KIM: They can make out shape, sizes and colors? MAN: Yes they can do all that, but - MRS. KIM: Eyes work! They see lamp in aisle, send message to brain. ‘Lamp in aisle - move ‘ You move. You don't break lamp. MAN: I - MRS. KIM: You have no eyes, not my problem, that is between you and them. You break you buy [Man give in and give her some money] MRS. KIM: [all smiles and sweetly] We appreciate your business. [to Lorelai] Oh, hello LORELAI: Hi. So I was wondering if I could maybe talk to you for a minute. MRS. KIM: I'm working. LORELAI: Right, well this is gonna be so quick you'll be amazed. MRS. KIM: Fine, come. [goes into another room] LORELAI: Look, I'm really sorry about what happened the other night, uh Rory's never lied to me like that before. MRS. KIM: That you know of. LORELAI: Uh, no, I'm pretty sure that was the first time and it definitely was the last. MRS. KIM: Fine. LORELAI: Uh, so I just didn't want you to feel that you couldn't send Lane over to our house anymore, um, because you can. Believe me, those girls go nowhere without me knowing about it. In fact I was thinking of having some house arrest ankle bracelets made you know - maybe cute ones with leopard print or zebra stripes, maybe a little glitter design... MRS. KIM: Lane won't be coming over, she will stay in our house. LORELAI: Well, right. I was talking about later. I mean, she's not going to be grounded forever is she? MRS. KIM: Lane lied to me and she must be punished. LORELAI: I totally agree. But Lane is a really good kid. I don't think I've ever met a kit who respects her parents more than Lane respects you. MRS. KIM: Lying is not showing respect. LORELAI: Uh, she's 16. She had a crush on a boy. MRS. KIM: Lane is not allowed to date boys unless we have approved them. She knows that, she knows our rules and she broke them. That is unacceptable. LORELAI: Ok, yes, you're right. But teenagers sometimes slip up. MRS. KIM: I don't care what teenagers do, I care what Lane does. LORELAI: You know, it doesn't always work to just lock a kid up and throw away the key. MRS. KIM: I didn't throw away the key, it's in the kitchen. LORELAI: [taken aback] Ok, well, I was talking symbolically...but alright, I'm with you now. Look when I was a teenager, my parents tried to keep me locked up. They tried to force me to become what they had in mind, and now I'm not talking exactly about Lane here, but in my case, it really didn't work. MRS. KIM: You blame your parents for getting pregnant. LORELAI: No, I just think sometimes if I'd had a little more space or someone to listen to me, things might have turned out different. Now I got lucky, because having Rory - totally the best thing that could have happened. But let's be honest, I certainly don't want Rory to turn out like me. MRS. KIM: I don't want Lane to turn out like you either. LORELAI: Now I believe that's the first thing that you and I have ever agreed on. MRS. KIM: I just want Lane to be safe. LORELAI: I just want Rory to be safe. So, I'm gonna go now. Hey, I think you are doing a great job with Lane. She's a really great kid. I just wanted to put my two cents in because that's what I do, so. Bye. [walks out of room and breaks a vase on the way out] LORELAI: I know, you break you buy. I heard earlier. That's $35 right? CUT TO LUKE'S [Lorelai and Rory enter] RORY: An ‘A-' - I'm very impressed. LORELAI: And annoying boy behind me? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: ‘B+' RORY: Loser. LORELAI: I know, it's all very exciting. Ooh, hey did I tell you that Sookie and Jackson have another date tonight. RORY: What is that the third one this week? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: That's so great. LORELAI: I know it is. Of course if she tells me the story of how Jackson cultivates his own mealworms to help fertilize his plants one more time, I'm going to Romeo and Juliet them both. RORY: It's sweet. LORELAI: Mealworms. RORY: Gross, but sweet. [Rory's pager goes off] LORELAI: Hey, you know the rules. No pages before french fries. RORY: Oh my God, it's Lane! LORELAI: Oh you're kidding. RORY: Give me your cell phone quick. LORELAI: Where are you going? I wanna hear. RORY: Outside. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because Luke hates cell phones. LORELAI: So. RORY: I do not want to incur the wrath of Luke. LORELAI: Why not it's fun. RORY: I'll be back. LORELAI: Goody-goody. [Rory leaves] [Outside Rory dials] LANE: Rory? RORY: Lane? LANE: I'm standing in the yard! I'm standing in the yard! RORY: Oh my God, she let you out! LANE: I can go as far as the sign. RORY: That's so great! [Pan to inside] LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: I haven't seen you since the other night. Everything turn out ok? LORELAI: Oh yeah, fine. The dating world of 16 year olds - very exciting stuff. LUKE: I bet. [pause] Oh, uh coffee? LORELAI: Do you have to ask? [Luke pours] LORELAI: You know, I had a good time the other night - with the cards. LUKE: Oh yeah, yeah - me too. LORELAI: Good. LUKE: Yeah, if fact you rushed out of here before I had a chance to - LORELAI: A chance to? LUKE: Kick your ass in poker. LORELAI: [laughs] You wish. LUKE: Burger? LORELAI: Two and fries. LUKE: Maybe we could do it again sometime. LORELAI: Oh yeah, well, I-I would like that. [Rory rushes in] RORY: Here. LORELAI: Oh where ya going? RORY: Lane's allowed outside for 15 minutes. I'm gonna go over and stand across the street and yell at her. [ rushes to the door] LORELAI: Do you still want you burger? RORY: I'll be back [ closing door] LORELAI: Yell ‘hi' for me. [Looks at Luke, then drinks her coffee.]

Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who does Luke ask out? A: Jackson; Q: Who does Sookie ask out? A: Rune; Q: Who is Jackson's cousin? A: trouble; Q: What do Rory and Lane get into? A: Todd; Q: Who is Dean's friend? A: their moms; Q: Who did Rory and Lane not tell about their double date? Summary: After Lorelai encourages Sookie to ask out Jackson, she finds herself on the double date from hell with Jackson's cousin, Rune, which makes Luke jealous enough to finally work up the courage to ask Lorelai out. Meanwhile, Rory and Lane get into trouble when they double date with Dean and his friend Todd without telling their moms.

(Sydney stares at Fisher's dead body. She looks around frantically, and runs out of the office. She runs down a hall, tries a door.) ORDERLY: HEY! (She turns to see an orderly headed her way. She runs down a hall, he's following right behind. Sydney goes into a room, closes the door behind her and runs for the back door. It's locked. She tries a window nearby, slams on it. The orderly enters. Advancing on him, Sydney gets into a fighting stance. He comes closer, tries hitting her. She hits him. He slams her knees with the shocking wand. Sydney falls to the ground, and on her back, kicks him in the chin/neck. The orderly stumbles back and she takes his keys, grabbing the wire/string on it, and tries strangling him with it. Another orderly comes in with a tranquilizer. Sydney holds the first orderly that she was strangling in front of her, the second orderly shoots the first orderly with a dart instead of her. She drops him. Suddenly, Sydney arches up, in shock. She turns to see Dr. Kreshnik standing with a tranquilizer gun behind her. She's shot in the back with a dart. Woozy, Sydney teeters from side to side and then falls in a heap on the floor.) (SD-6, Sloane and Jack are in a meeting room together.) SLOANE: Jack, I thought you should know Sydney and Fisher missed their scheduled contact. What are you thinking? MR. BRISTOW: Worst case is they're not alone in there. Maybe someone posing as a patient, or a doctor. SLOANE: Come on, Jack. Sydney's a smart kid, we've seen her through worse than this. MR. BRISTOW: Maybe not. SLOANE: Maybe not. But, I believe in her. I believe in her as if she were my own daughter. (Mr. Bristow freezes. Sloane's saying this in a way that he's almost threatening, getting his point across.) MR. BRISTOW: That's nice to hear. (gets up) When's her next scheduled contact? SLOANE: Ten hours. Then we'll know how hot the water is. (Asylum. Sydney lays in a tank of water with electrodes on her head. Dr. Kreshnik and an orderly stands above her. She gasps.) DR. KRESHNIK: Let us not waste time. I know that you work for SD-6, I know that you are here to find out where Martin Shepard buried Perkashov. That you need Perkashov's DNA to read FTL code. What I do not know is whether you have succeeded. SYDNEY: Since we're not playing games, which is refreshing, I'd like to know who's asking. DR. KRESHNIK: My affiliation is unimportant. (He nods to the orderly. The orderly switches a dial up, a slight buzzing can be heard.) DR. KRESHNIK: You have until the machine charges. Answer my question. SYDNEY: Wait, this can't be the best version of this conversation! Look, Shepard didn't talk! I don't know where Perkashov is buried! Wait, I'm telling you, I don't know anything! Wait! (The electric charge crackles. Sydney flops in the water, electrocuted.) (Mr. Bristow enters a Chinese restaurant.) JOEY: Ah, Mr. Bristow, your usual table is waiting for you, sir. MR. BRISTOW: Thank you, Joey. (He enters a tea room in the back where Vaughn waits. Upon entering, Vaughn stands.) VAUGHN: Mr. Bristow, I'm sorry about the-- (Mr. Bristow grabs Vaughn, twists his right arm back and slams him against the wall. Vaughn cringes and faces the wall, his head turned back. Mr. Bristow takes out a gun and aims it high enough so Vaughn can see.) MR. BRISTOW: Who are you? VAUGHN: Uh, I'm CIA operations officer Vaughn. I'm Sydney's handler. I cleared this meeting with Devlin. Cretchmer walked me through your S.O.P., we're safe. (Mr. Bristow lets him go, puts his gun away.) MR. BRISTOW: Are Sydney and I switching handlers, or is this a special occasion? VAUGHN: No. We have a problem. MR. BRISTOW: Fisher hasn't made contact. I know. VAUGHN: No, we believe K-Directorate had an agent waiting in the hospital. MR. BRISTOW: SD-6 doesn't have confirmation of that. (Mr. Bristow sits.) VAUGHN: C.I.A. does. We have an extraction team waiting on the ready line out of Serbia. I want to pull Sydney out of there. (Mr. Bristow stares at the standing Vaughn with much contempt and maybe a little disgust on his face. He looks at the empty chair, as if it's impolite that Vaughn isn't sitting. Vaughn notices and takes a seat like he's a schoolboy waiting to be punished by the principal.) VAUGHN: I was hoping that maybe we could coordinate this together. MR. BRISTOW: Mr. Vaughn, you're young and you're eager, and I understand that. But one thing you're not, and this is something only time can provide, really... is wise. (He casually pours tea and takes a drink.) VAUGHN: You don't think this is the right move. MR. BRISTOW: Listen carefully, Mr. Vaughn. Even with a minimal extraction team, you can't guarantee containment. And if Sloane finds out, Sydney's dead anyway. VAUGHN: Retire her early. Pull her out of service! MR. BRISTOW: And in the process, expose her operations at SD-6. VAUGHN: Sydney's life is worth the risk! MR. BRISTOW: Not to Sydney! Taking them down is what gets her up in the morning. Or... did you think it was those meetings she has with you? VAUGHN: Hey! What is your problem with me? MR. BRISTOW: You pulled my file last week, that's my problem, Mr. Vaughn. Now, did curiousity get the better of you, or were you trying to impress my daughter? VAUGHN: (sighs) She thinks you were KGB. But, I'm sure you already knew that. So, what I'm wondering is what were you doing checking up on me checking up on you? MR. BRISTOW: This meeting is over. (He leaves Vaughn sitting at the table alone.) (In the interrogation room. Sydney lays in the tank, her body limp.) DR. KRESHNIK: Shepard told her nothing. She would've talked by now. Kill her. SYDNEY: You can't torture Shepard for information... Electroshock won't work. FTL trained him to forget everything you did. That's why you're here posing as a shrink. You're K-Directorate... aren't you? DR. KRESHNIK: What makes you think I work with K-Directorate? SYDNEY: Your accent's Georgian. Georgia, former Soviet Union -- their main recruiting ground. Shepard thinks I'm a patient. He's more likely to tust me than you. DR. KRESHNIK: Except he has already attacked you. SYDNEY: Which I could use to seal his transference by bringing his guilt to the surface and then forgiving him. DR. KRESHNIK: I suppose you'd like your life in return. If you'll get Shepard to recall the location of Perkashov, you might just live out your life in a Chechnyan internment camp. You have until lockdown tonight. (The orderly takes off the wrist braces that hold Sydney's arms above her head. She breathes heavily and rubs her wrists gratefully.) (Outside the asylum on a terrace, Shepard sits alone, crouched down. Sydney, dressed in the clothes she had on before, steps out the window onto the terrace. She approaches.) MARTIN: Stay away from me... SYDNEY: I'm here to help you. MARTIN: I don't want your help. I'm not open to your help. SYDNEY: I think I know what's happening to you. MARTIN: I'm sure you do, because you're one of them. You know the words that are going on in my head! I know I've seen you somewhere before... I've seen you before... SYDNEY: (confused) No, you haven't. MARTIN: I thought I was safe here. I thought I was safe here. I thought I was safe here. SYDNEY: What I'm about to say to you is the truth, so you got to listen to me. (She touches him on the arm but he flinches and jerks away.) SYDNEY: They're going to kill us both if we don't help each other to get out of here. MARTIN: Then you've got a real problem, because I'm not leaving here. I would rather die than leave the way I am now. (He leaves and goes back inside. From up above, Dr. Kreshnik looks.) (A patient is wheeled by. Sydney is taken down the hall with an orderly, who is grabbing her arm.) ORDERLY: Do you have the chart Dr. Kreshnik asked for? (She sees two orderlies behind her. One takes a key and puts it in one lock. The other orderly takes a similar key, puts it in the other lock on the other side of the door. The red light above the door turns green, the security buzzer goes off, and it opens the exit door.) (In a solarium, the orderly pushes Sydney in. She gives him a dirty look, but sees Shepard sitting at a table by himself, drawing. He's drawing a bare tree blowing in the wind, with a yellow sky.) SYDNEY: Yellow sky. Interesting choice. MARTIN: I told you, stay away from me. SYDNEY: I know that you're starting to remember some things, and I know you think that I had something to do with them, but I didn't. MARTIN: Piss off. SYDNEY: You can't see colors, can you? MARTIN: Who are you? If you're not one of the people that did this to me, then how do you know that? SYDNEY: I'll tell you what you need to know, but first you have to help me. I was sent here to get some information from you, but I don't even care about that anymore. All I care about is that the main exit door has a duel-key lock. That means it takes two people using two keys at the same time to open the door. MARTIN: I told you, I'm not leaving here. SYDNEY: No, please believe me. There are other people here who want to find out what's in your head, and when they don't, they will kill us both. MARTIN: You want me to believe you, but you don't tell me anything! I know I've seen you somewhere. SYDNEY: Okay, okay, look... you were trained. You were programmed to follow orders. MARTIN: Whose orders? Whose orders? To do what? To do-- SYDNEY: To kill. MARTIN: No... SYDNEY: The things you're remembering, they're real. Look, I know it's hard to hear. Listen-- MARTIN: No... no... no... (He stands, taking his drawing.) SYDNEY: You just have to accept that you did these things! When you're following orders-- (Martin bolts. Sydney contronts him, he backs against the window.) SYDNEY: When you're following orders, you're trained to see everything in black and white! To keep you detached from what you have to do! Look, you're not supposed to remember everything, but you are! Your training must be short-circuiting. Look, what you did-- MARTIN: (whimpering) Yeah, yeah... stop... stop... SYDNEY: (frantic) It's so painful to remember that you're seeing in black and white all the time, it's a defense mechanism! But it's good! It means you're starting to heal! You're starting to get better and better! MARTIN: STOP IT, PLEASE! GUARD! Take me to my room... GUARD: (to other) Take him. (to Sydney) Lockdown! SYDNEY: Tell Dr. Kreshnik I have the information he needs. (At the newspaper, Will sits at his desk. Jenny comes by.) JENNY: A memo from legal about reporters quoting other reporters. WILL: What's it say? JENNY: Cut it out. Happy Thanksgiving! WILL: Thanks, Jenny! (He sees a computer on a colleague's desk. A picture of Eloise/Kate is shown, with a headline underneath. The reporter's working on the layout.) WILL: (standing) Hey, can you scroll back down for a second? REPORTER: Did you get the memo? WILL: Can you just show me the damn picture? REPORTER: All right, jeez. Her name was Eloise Kurtz. Local girl. Found shot to death in Echo Park. Did you know her? (In another room, Will and his boss.) WILL: She said her name was Kate Jones, but it was really Eloise Kurtz. She was my source in the Danny Hecht investigation. That means she was more than a source, she was involved somehow! She was trying to tell me something, and now she's dead! BOSS: You're not hearing me, Will. I am not saying there is nothing here. WILL: You won't even publish this even though I was investigating one murder, and now thare are two? I mean, isn't that enough? BOSS: The fastest way to be discredited is to author a conspiracy theory without background. Believe me, I have seen this. You might as well publish your own homepage. WILL: Will you at least just take a look at my notes? BOSS: Leave them on my desk when you go. I'm not telling you to drop this, I'm not being a monster. I'm telling you to bring it back to me when it's more developed. (Asylum. Shepard is in bed, alone, on his back. He's whimpering in his sleep, his head rolling back and forth. He hears voices murmuring, a bird flying by. Black and white flashes of a person, for a second. Martin whimpers. Another flash. It's a back of someone's head. Martin's eyes flicker, he moans in his sleep. We see that the person is Danny. Black and white flash of a framed picture. It slowly comes into focus, and it slowly comes into color. It's a framed picture of Sydney, sitting in front of a birthday cake with a banner behind her that says "Happy Birthday Sydney." Martin's eyes pop open in fear.) MARTIN: Oh, my God. (In another part of the asylum, Sydney is being ushered down some stairs by an orderly.) ORDERLY: We are coming to you now, Doctor. SYDNEY: What is that tattoo on your arm? Spitznas Special Forces? I almost got a tattoo once. I was on the guy's chair-- (She punches him, kicks him. He tumbles down the stairs, and falls to the ground, unconscious. Sydney takes the keys from his belt.) (Sydney walks down the hallway in the asylum, nearing the security door, dressed in a janitor's uniform. She has a hat on, her hair tucked underneath. An orderly meets her with a platter of pills. He stops, stares at her. She keeps walking, trying to go unnoticed. In front of the security door, she takes out her mop and mops the floor, waiting for everyone to pass. She's now alone. She whips off the head of the mop and attaches the key from the other orderly on to the head of the mop. Standing, she holds the mop out in one hand and tries to put the key in the lock on the other side of the door. She misses, and then it slides in. Stretching, Sydney takes another key and puts it in the lock on the other side of the door nearest to her. Both keys are in. She's about to turn them and is about to escape, when she's zapped from behind by the orderly she met in the hallway. She falls.) DR. KRESHNIK: Take her. (The doctor and the orderly both take Sydney down the hallway. She struggles. They take her down a hall, but suddenly Shepard comes out of a room with a fire extinguisher and hits Dr. Kreshnik on the back of the head. He falls. Sydney punches the orderly, kicks him. She jumps and kicks him. He falls to the ground. She takes the orderly's electric shocker and zaps Kreshnik. He falls back to the floor.) SYDNEY: Hurts, doesn't it? (She takes his keys.) MARTIN: You're right, I don't want to die in here. SYDNEY: How did you get out of your room? MARTIN: Oh, I've got good at it. I pretended--I pretended to swallow my tongue, and I lifted the keys. (shows them) (Sydney stares at him. She takes the keys and runs to the door. She goes to one lock, Martin goes to the other. He puts the key in, and stops. He's scared. He looks at Sydney.) SYDNEY: Hey, look at me. You can do this. (He stares at her, shaking slightly.) SYDNEY: You think I'd help you get out of here if I thought you'd kill someone? MARTIN: Unless you're planning on killing me. SYDNEY: (sincere) Why would I do that? (He stares at her intently. She gives him an encouraging nod, and squeezes his shoulder gently. He nods. She nods. Together, they slide the keys in and they run out. A car drives down the street in front of them and stops when the driver sees Sydney and Martin come out of the asylum. Sydney runs to the driver's side, the man steps out. She punches him, taking him down, and takes the gun.) SYDNEY: Sorry. (to Martin) Get in! (He climbs in the passenger side, and they peel out.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At SD-6, Marshall is listening to music in his office on some headphones, typing on a keyboard. He bops along to the music. Sloane enters. He takes them off, startled.) MARSHALL: Whoa. Hey, company. (jumps up) Uh, here. I'm totally a mess in here. Sorry. Let me just--I wasn't really expecting anyone! (He clears off a jacket that was on a big red inflatable chair. It should belong in a college dorm, really. Sloane stares at him.) MARSHALL: Want to have a seat? I got a minor form of scoliosis, so the air ergonimically hugs me. (hugs himself) Oh, you want to stretch out? I can inflate the couch. (He holds up an inflatable couch that's not inflated yet.) SLOANE: I'll stand. MARSHALL: Oh, by the way, I scanned every byte of the computer network. You'll be happy to know no more virus. That leak is plugged. Even better news, since it was exporting files at such a low bandwith. Only three per cent-- SLOANE: Marshall, the virus was a security section drill. MARSHALL: A drill? Like a test? SLOANE: You were the only one who caught it, and much faster than anyone anticipated. So, good work. MARSHALL: Um, I--I--I mean, that leak was transferred over an unsecure net connection. Isn't that a little risky? SLOANE: Security section was surveilling it the whole time. I just wanted to let you know. MARSHALL: Okay, thanks... (Sloane leaves.) (Cabin in the woods. Shepard sits in front of the fire, staring at nothing. Sydney flips over a mat, and takes out a panel of a false floor. There's a kit in there. Sydney opens the lid and finds packaged food and a cell phone. She dials.) (Mr. Bristow drives down a street in Los Angeles and answers his phone.) MR. BRISTOW: Yes. SYDNEY: Dad? Where's Vaughn? MR. BRISTOW: I had his number forwarded. Are you all right? SYDNEY: I'm at the safe house. MR. BRISTOW: Any trouble finding it? SYDNEY: It only took six hours of driving through the forest in the dark. MR. BRISTOW: Is Shepard with you? SYDNEY: Yes. MR. BRISTOW: Get to Rinas airport in Tirana. There's a charter flight waiting for you under Kraja Petrol Corp. The hardest part's over, Sydney. We'll talk when you get back. (Sydney hangs up, and goes to Shepard with some food. They sit in front of the fire.) MARTIN: Why me? Why did you ever come talk to me? SYDNEY: I was looking for a man. MARTIN: Who? SYDNEY: A man who you killed and buried. His name was Gareth Perkashov. That's what I was sent in to find. MARTIN: The man I killed? The first time I had the images in my head, it was like a seizure. Flashes of people, places. A street sign. I thought I was remembering bad dreams because it was in black and white, but it was so vivid. It was so vivid! I didn't know how much of it was real. I found the street. I heard there had been a murder. A shopkeeper recognized me. I was convinced I had to be delusional. I couldn't be a killer. I couldn't be a killer. (He starts to cry. Sydney has tears in her eyes.) MARTIN: Where you found me was as remote a place as I could find to lock myself away in case... in case I was wrong. SYDNEY: (crying) It's not your fault. (He breaks down, crying softly.) MARTIN: I feel like I've been stolen from myself... I don't know if there was ever a me... I don't know who... Please, tell me who you are, Sydney. Maybe that will help me to understand-- SYDNEY: How did you know my name? MARTIN: I don't... SYDNEY: How did you know my name? MARTIN: (crying) The banner. (Sydney sucks in a breath.) SYDNEY: What... banner? MARTIN: It said "Happy Birthday, Sydney." (Fade into, black and white, the picture of Sydney.) MARTIN: I heard the water running. (Black and white. Danny stumbles around a corner, drunk. He goes into the bathroom. Martin follows. Danny goes in the other room, and when he's about to come back into the bathroom, Martin hides behind the corner. Danny comes in, wipes at his face. He goes to the sink, splashes his face. Martin is seen behind Danny, wearing a black ski cap over his head, baring his face. Danny turns, and trembles upon seeing the gun. Martin shoots him.) (Sydney gasps, shaking a little.) MARTIN: I'm... so sorry... (Sydney jumps up, crying, and runs out of the cabin. She flies down the stairs, rounding a corner. Running, crying, running where? She finally stops behind a tree, sobbing. She looks back at the cabin, and collapses. She sobs, covering her face with her hands, crying out to no one.) (Sydney comes back inside, crying. Shepard sits in front of the fire, a blank stare on his face.) SYDNEY: The man you were ordered to kill was my fiance. His name was Danny. (Martin closes his eyes, wincing. They're both openly crying. She sits down.) SYDNEY: I told Danny I'm a spy because he was the one part of my life I couldn't stand to be a lie. So when SD-6 found out, they called in one of their hit men. Someone they'd alreayd enlisted. They called on you. I think the man who programmed you is named McCullough. He's their neuro tech. MARTIN: McCullough... yeah, yeah... he's in here... (points to his mind) SYDNEY: The irony is they never lied to me about what would happen if I told someone. It was the one thing they said that turned out to be true. Now I'm a double agent for the C.I.A. and I will be until SD-6 is gone. MARTIN: Will... finding where Perkashov is buried help you to take down the people that did this to us? SYDNEY: Yes. MARTIN: I left his body in marshland on the Louisana/Texas border off the I-10. (SD-6. Sloane and Sydney in a meeting.) SLOANE: So, what's the deal? SYDNEY: Shepard wote down the location of Perkashov's body. In exchange, I helped him escape the asylum. SLOANE: I see. Where is Shepard now? SYDNEY: He committed suicide. Something went wrong with his programming. He started remembering what he'd done. Snapped. When we were crossing over the border into Bulgaria, he jumped. Threw himself off of the bridge into Lake Scutari. There's no way he could have survived. SLOANE: Well, if by some miracle, he did survive, I'm sure we'll hear about it sooner or later. (Self-storage facility, meeting with Sydney and Vaughn.) SYDNEY: I told SD-6 Shepard was dead. I was going to lie to you about it, too, but the truth is I can't stand lying to anyone else. VAUGHN: Well, I appreciate that. I will be honest with you, too. There are people at the Agency who will want him found. SYDNEY: He's as much a victim of SD-6 as I am. Shepard buried Perkashov's body in a Louisana marshland. Sloane sent out a forensics team to get a DNA sample. They should be able to use it to decode the FTL message by tonight. VAUGHN: We were worried. SYDNEY: Yeah, I know. The C.I.A. hates to lose its assets. VAUGHN: No, I mean, I was worried for you. In fact, I, uh, I contacted your father. Just so you know, he, um, he knows I pulled his file and he suspects you've seen it. SYDNEY: It's... okay. (Pager beeps. They both look at their respective pagers.) VAUGHN: It's me. That's what I thought. looks like our SD-6 computer virus is turning out to be a gold mine. SYDNEY: Good. Maybe we can get head of them for once. VAUGHN: Why don't you go home, get some rest? Happy Thanksgiving. SYDNEY: (remembering) Oh, God... (Sydney runs in her house. Smoke billows out from the oven where Francie stands.) SYDNEY: Francie? FRANCIE: Okay, were you ever going to call me back? SYDNEY: I'm sorry. (Francie starts opening windows to let out the smoke.) FRANCIE: I mean, where the hell have you been? I left, like, three messages! SYDNEY: I know, my trip was extended... FRANCIE: You can't just disappear on me like that! SYDNEY: What's burning? FRANCIE: It's just a little oven fire. SYDNEY: Francie, I just moved in here! FRANCIE: I fricasseed the turkey. (Sydney laughs a little.) FRANCIE: You okay? (Sydney hugs her tight.) SYDNEY: I'm glad to be home. FRANCIE: Okay, but the turkey is really burning. I mean, it's burning. (Sydney and Francie start swatting at the black smoke with oven mitts.) SYDNEY: Oh, great, Francie... what'd you do? (Montage of them cooking, laughing, tasting the food. Sydney takes a drink, smiling. Charlie comes in with a bouquet of flowers. Francie kisses him. Sydney hugs Charlie, he swings her around.) (Later, Sydney is dressed up. She opens the door to find Will and Jenny. Jenny holds a bottle in her hands.) WILL: Hey. JENNY: Hi. WILL: Uh, Sydney, this is Jenny. She works with me. JENNY: Hi! (laughs) Thanks for letting me crash your party. I would have totally brought some wine, but I got carded. So, cider. SYDNEY: Cider's perfect, thank you. Okay, come in. WILL: (to Sydney) Wow, you look great. SYDNEY: Is that the sweater I got you for Christmas? (Her hand lingers on him.) WILL: Uh, yeah. That's not why I wore it. JENNY: (laughs) I'm going to go put that on ice. WILL: Okay. (They watch her walk away.) SYDNEY: She's cute. WILL: Hmm? Yeah. That's the new intern. She's, uh, her parents are in Europe. So, I felt bad. SYDNEY: That's Jenny. WILL: Mmm-hmm. It's strictly professional. SYDNEY: Really? WILL: What are you saying? SYDNEY: Hmm? Nothing. WILL: (smiling) Oooooh... (At the table, everyone sits.) EVERYONE: Happy Thanksgiving! (They all eat and laugh, drinking wine.) WILL: (quietly to Jenny) Are you turning twenty-one? (She grins.) WILL: Jenny! (She laughs. Charlie clinks his glass.) CHARLIE: Um, somebody's always got to bang the glass. This year, it's me. I wanted all of you to be here for what I'm about to do, which is probably going to be one of the most embarrassing moments ever. This thing's burning a hole in my pocket. (He takes out a ring box. He gets down on a knee.) CHARLIE: Francie... you're my last stop. Baby, will you marry me? FRANCIE: Ohhh... yes. Yes, Charlie, I will. (They kiss. Sydney and everyone claps. Sydney has tears in her eyes. Jenny, caught up in the moment, kisses Will.) WILL: Okay, watch the tongue. (Sydney hugs Francie. Will hugs Charlie.) SYDNEY: (whispering) Glad you're taking it slow. (Knock on the door. Mr. Bristow stands, holding a newspaper. Sydney opens the door.) SYDNEY: Dad. (She closes the door and comes out.) MR. BRISTOW: (re: the newspaper) This was on your lawn. SYDNEY: It's my neighbor's. I'll give it to him. MR. BRISTOW: Oh. SYDNEY: Do you want to come inside? MR. BRISTOW: Shepard killed Danny. I'm assuming you know that. SYDNEY: If I hadn't, thank you for breaking it to me so gently. MR. BRISTOW: I'm telling you because I don't want you to think it's my mission in life to keep things from you. SYDNEY: Then why do you? (He takes out a piece of paper.) MR. BRISTOW: F.B.I. report signed by the deputy director under Carter, clearing me of having any involvment with the KGB. Sydney, you have to understand it was the height of the Cold War. After they caught Boyce and Lee in '77, everybody was under suspicion. I suppose, in a way... your mother's accident was my fault since the F.B.I. was after me. If I could give her back to you, I would. (re: the report) Take it. SYDNEY: I don't need to. You should stay. MR. BRISTOW: Work. SYDNEY: I'm glad your trip went well. MR. BRISTOW: Happy Thanksgiving. SYDNEY: You, too. (He leaves.) (Sloane and Sydney in a meeting.) SLOANE: We found Perkashov's body and ran a DNA sample through the genetic decoder you obtained last week. It decoded the FTL communique. Here's the full text. SYDNEY: "Possible location of Rambaldi artifact discovered in Tunisia. Dig proceeding." SLOANE: Well, now we know where all those FTL agents went off in such a hurry. SYDNEY: So, I'm off to Tunisia. SLOANE: Actually, no. We sent an advance team there on a recon mission and by the time they got there, the dig had been evacuated. FTL must have found what was buried there. We then traced the shipment out of El Kef to the department of engineering science at Oxford. FTL has no idea what they've uncovered or else they wouldn't risk sending it to civilians for analysis. But whatever it is, some of the best minds in the word are studying it as we speak. The university is holding a reception for visiting professors tomorrow night. You're going as a scout for the Marissa Foundation, looking for grant candidates. Now, Sydney, keep in mind that FTL is likely to have a large presence there to make sure that we don't try what we are about to try. (Newspaper office. Will and his boss walk together.) BOSS: In the interest of fairness, I reread your notes last night. WILL: No, I know. You know what? There wasn't much there anyway. BOSS: Well, you just need a lot more shoe leather if you want to go with the story you're looking for. WILL: No, you're right, actually. I think it's better if we drop the whole thing. BOSS: No, you've got enough, Will, for an initial piece on why the police are not more curious. So, you take it from that angle. We go to press on Tuesday. WILL: Well, wait, wait, I'm not, I mean... wow. Thank you. Tuesday, though. Is that, like, set? BOSS: Will, are you on dope? WILL: Huh? BOSS: Just twenty-four hours ago, you were begging me to publish this. WILL: I know. Here's the thing. Danny Hecht, the murder that started this whole thing, he is my friend's... he was my friend's fiance. I just... after seeing her last night, I'm having second thoughts. She doesn't know that I was doing the story. BOSS: Well, why didn't you tell her? I'd think she'd want someone to investigate it. WILL: I did tell her, a while ago, and she asked me as a favor to drop it. I just don't want to hurt her, that's all. BOSS: Oh, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that, Will, because this is now a legitimate piece and if you don't want it, I will give it to somebody else. Don't chicken out on me now. (Self-storage building. Vaughn and Sydney.) VAUGHN: Whatever the Rambaldi artifact turns out to be, the C.I.A. wants photographs of it. You'll do it in your hotel room, we'll plant a submini camera in the Bible. There's one more thing. One of our Romanian assets spotted Ana Espinosa leaving the psychiatric hospital after you escaped. Be careful. She's on this. (Sydney stands, nodding.) VAUGHN: Oh, how was your Thanksgiving? SYDNEY: Good. My friend got engaged. VAUGHN: What's her name? SYDNEY: Francie. (He nods, smiling. Maybe because the CIA monitors her friends, too?) SYDNEY: How was yours? VAUGHN: Uh, typical. Spent it with my mom. SYDNEY: What about -- is it Alice? VAUGHN: Yeah. We broke up. (He looks down. She smiles, and leaves.) (Sydney comes home, talking on her cell. She goes through her mail and finds a postcard. The drawing that Shepard was doing is on the front, but this time with a blue sky. She turns it over. From Shepard, it says "Blue skies again. I owe you." She smiles.) (Sloane sits in his office. Alain talks over the speaker phone.) ALAIN: Security section has made us aware of the concern that you may have a mole in your department. SLOANE: It would appear so. (Sydney walks in SD-6. Jack is at his desk, nods to an agent.) ALAIN: There are some in the alliance who believe you may have more than one. SLOANE: Well, if that's true, McCullough will draw them out. (Sydney walks to Mr. Bristow and puts a Tupperware dish down with Thanksgiving meal inside. He smiles a little. She smiles back.) ALAIN: It is our intention to make an example of them. SLOANE: I know. I'm taking care of it.

Plan: A: her fiancé; Q: Who was Shepard programmed to kill? A: Alliance representative Alain Christophe; Q: Who confronts Sloane after the computer worm affair? A: one or more moles; Q: What does Alain Christophe suggest has infiltrated SD-6? A: the Eloise Kurtz; Q: Who does Will Tippin continue to investigate? A: alias Kate Jones; Q: What was Eloise Kurtz's alias? A: Danny's mistress; Q: Who does Eloise Kurtz claim to have been? A: an appointment; Q: What does Will make with Eloise Kurtz? A: her place; Q: Where does Will go to meet Eloise Kurtz? A: Echo Park; Q: Where was Eloise Kurtz found dead? A: a bridge; Q: What did Shepard jump off of? A: Los Angeles; Q: Where does Sydney return to? A: another car; Q: What was Sydney's father fleeing from when he had the accident? A: KGB; Q: What organization was Sydney's father investigated by? A: the Cold War; Q: What was the name of the war that Sydney's father was investigated for? A: illegal activities; Q: What was Sydney's father investigated for? Summary: After helping Shepard escape from the asylum in Bucharest Sydney discovers the shocking connection he has with her past. He was brainwashed by SD-6 and programmed to kill her fiancé, among others. Sloane is confronted by Alliance representative Alain Christophe after the computer worm affair blows up, whom suggests that one or more moles may have infiltrated SD-6. Will Tippin continues to investigate the Eloise Kurtz (alias Kate Jones), who now claims to have been Danny's mistress. He makes an appointment with her, but when he goes to her place it has been emptied and repainted and she is gone. Later, she's found dead in Echo Park. Sydney, in the meantime, understands that Shepard is not really responsible for Danny's murder but he's been used by the SD-6 very much like herself. She lets him go and tells SD-6 that he went totally insane and committed suicide jumping from a bridge near the frontier with Bucharest. Upon her return to Los Angeles, she learns the truth about her father's involvement in her mother's death 20 years earlier. It was his fault because he was fleeing from another car when they had the accident. But Syd also learns for sure that he was not involved with the KGB. He tells her that during the Cold War everybody was suspicious of illegal activities, so he was investigated as a routine process.

ACT ONE THE ICE WOMAN COMETH Scene One - KACL Frasier is on the air. He has just begun to listen to Betsy. Frasier: Good afternoon, Betsy. I'm listening. Betsy: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. My problem is that my husband wants to take me on a cruise for our anniversary. Frasier: Well, that sounds enchanting. Roz holds up a card that says "bathroom." Frasier dismisses it. Betsy: Yes, except I keep having this dream where I'm in a cabin asleep, and I see a drop of water beginning to leak up and at first it's just a trickle, but then it's a stream, and then it's gushing, pouring water everywhere and there's nothing in the world that I can do to stop this. These words eventually get to Roz and all she can do is leave without permission. Frasier: That's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say so, Roz? [sees she has gone] Roz agrees. Meanwhile, Roz bumps into Boston's ice woman in the corridor. Roz, however, must cross her legs together. Lilith: Excuse me, I'm looking for Frasier Crane, they said he was up here. Roz: Lilith it's me, Roz... Doyle. Lilith: [recognizing] Oh yes, Frasier's fun-loving producer.. [sees Roz's pregnant lump] ...who's apparently having a bit too much fun loving. Roz: You know, I'd love to send one back at you, but I gotta pee! Roz runs off to the little girls' room as Lilith enters listening to Frasier's final thoughts. Frasier: [on air] Well that's all the time we have today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a good day and good mental... [sees Lilith] AHHH! [explains] I'm sorry, someone just walked into the room and frightened me. It's, uh, my ex-wife, so if you're a regular listener you'll know what I'm talking about! I'll see you Monday. Frasier signs off and enters Roz's booth. Frasier: Oh, hello Lilith. Lilith: Surprise. Frasier: Yeah well, we're past that now, aren't we? Well, what brings you to Seattle? Lilith: I'm here for the national conference on self-psychology. Frasier: Oh! And how is Frederick? Lilith: Fine. We have an amazing child. Frasier: Yes, we have. And, uh, Brian? Lilith: Fine. I have an amazing husband. Frasier: Yes, yes. So, did you two get that gift basket I sent you for the holidays? Lilith falls down crying as Roz runs back into the booth, confused by the matter. Roz: What did you do to her? Frasier: Nothing, I sent her a gift basket, fruits and festive nuts! Lilith: Oh, it's not the basket, you nit! It's Brian... he left me. Roz: Maybe I should go. Lilith: Oh no, everyone else knows, you might as well know it too. Brian was looking for someone a bit more feminine... and he found him! Frasier and Roz trade a shocked look. Lilith: Oh, Stan Jablonski, that little hussy! [Roz leaves] Frasier: Oh, [takes her in his arms] Lilith, oh, I am genuinely sorry. Lilith: I didn't know where to turn, but I knew somehow you'd be here for me. Frasier: So you didn't come for the conference? Lilith: No. Frasier: You know, you really shouldn't be alone tonight. Er, Niles and I are atending a reception at the Union Club, would you like to join us? Lilith: Oh thank you Frasier, I'd love to. I don't if I deserve your compassion, but I feel better already just holding your strong comforting hands. Frasier: You know I'll always be here for you. They stand and embrace. Lilith: Oh, I could stay in these arms all day. Frasier: Ah, [looks at watch] yes - well, em, you'll have to excuse me. I have an appointment, station manager, very important, can't be broken. I'll, em, see you tonight. [delirious] Bye bye. Frasier slowly walks away. He is very rigid and cannot believe what has just happened. He exits as Roz enters. Roz: Hey, that's rough; leaving you for another man! Did you have any idea? Lilith: No, none at all. Stan was a contractor we had hired to extend our master bedroom. It's ironic, isn't it - no sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it. Lilith exits, leaving a bewildered Roz behind. [SCENE_BREAK] STRANGE INTERLUDE Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa Later that day, Niles is at a table when Frasier enters. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Ah, Frasier. Frasier: [sees what he's eating] Mmm, that bun looks good. Niles: Now, now, remember your diet. Frasier: [sits] Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back! Niles: Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning. Frasier: Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man. Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars! Frasier: Poor thing, she's obviously devastated - her entire world has been turned upside down. Oh, look who I'm talking to. No one knows better than you how much a messy divorce can leave one... Frasier notices that Niles has fallen asleep and is snoring loudly. Frasier: ...strangely relaxed! Niles? [taps him] Niles! Niles: [as if nothing had happened] Yes? Frasier: Am I boring you? Niles: Did I do it again? I'm sorry Frasier, it seems I'm suffering through a bout of narcolepsy. Frasier: Good lord! When did this start? Niles: Right after we started divorce proceedings. I checked with my doctor, I'm fine - it's a reaction to stress. It's my way of escaping the whole ugly mess! But I'm terribly sorry, go on with what you were saying. Frasier: Well, obviously Lilith is distraught and she's come to me to help her make sense of the whole thing. I find it just a bit disconcerting. Niles: How so? Frasier: Well, we have a destructive pattern: whenever she comes to me in need I find her vulnerability highly desirable; against my better judgment we end up in bed and I'm left with feelings of regret. Niles: And you felt this way about her today? Frasier: Oh baby! Niles: Well, do your best to avoid her. Frasier: Well, I can't! She's joining us at the Union Club tonight. Niles: What, she's going to be there?! Frasier: Come on Niles, it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts talking about their portfolios and prostates. Niles: Exactly, and you've ruined it! Niles's mobile phone rings, so he answers it. Niles: [to phone] Yes? [to Frasier] Damn, it's one of Maris's cadre of lawyers. [to phone] Er, we've been over that. No, I can't. How dare you? She already has the house! I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond! Uh-huh. Uh-huh... Niles falls asleep, so Frasier once again wakes him. Niles: ...I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond! Frasier: Give me that! [takes phone from Niles and speaks into it] He will call you back. [hangs up] Lord, aren't we a pair: a narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive. We're like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play! [N.B. Eugene O'Neill, American playwright - all the title cards are based on the titles of his plays.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Apartment Later in Frasier's apartment Martin is talking to Eddie. Daphne is tidying up. Martin: Hey Daph', come down here, I taught him a new trick. Daphne: Oh, I love animal tricks. You know, I was reading in a movie magazine where there's this stunt dog who they taught to ride a motorcycle into a burning building, pick up a baby in its teeth, then jump out the window to safety. What did you teach Eddie? Martin: [mock proud] To roll over. Daphne: You must be very proud. Eddie does indeed roll over. Martin: Ah, forget it, Eddie! Martin answers the door to Niles. Martin: Hello, Niles. Niles: Evening, dad, Daphne. Frasier: [enters from kitchen] Hello, Niles. Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives. Martin: [scared] What?! You never said she was coming up here! Daphne: You just said you were going to dinner! Martin: You never said she was coming up here! Frasier: It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes. Martin: But you never told me! You've been home an hour and you never told me, not a word, [to Daphne] did he say anything to you? Daphne: No, nothing. [to Frasier] You could have told us, you know, we could have made plans to be elsewhere. Martin: [to Daphne] How come you didn't know about it? You used to know these things, whenever she came around you'd get a headache! They begin arguing until Frasier intervenes. Frasier: Alright, she's coming! Both of you suck it up! Lilith has had a devastating week; her husband has left her. The least you could do is show a little compassion, unless you'd like to hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask! Martin and Daphne look appropriately ashamed. Then the doorbell rings. Martin: Outta my way! Daphne: Me too! They run for the hall and Martin drops his cane. Daphne moves to pick it up- Martin: Leave it! When they have left Niles picks the cane up and stands it up. Frasier goes to answer the door. Niles: Remember Frasier, I'm here for you in case you feel yourself starting to weaken. Frasier: Oh I'm fine, believe me: I'm in complete control! Frasier answers the door to Lilith. He is knocked back by her appearance. She has her hair down and a short dress on. She has a silk wrap around her arms. Frasier: Oh baby! Lilith: Thank you Frasier, I needed that. I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently - it's pretty transparent, huh? Frasier: [with his mind elsewhere] No, but if you stand in the light maybe... Niles: Frasier! Lilith: [sees Niles] Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles. Niles: Ditto. Frasier: Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me take your wrap. He takes it off her, revealing that the back is cut down to the base of her spine. Frasier: Yowsa! Oh Lilith, that dress is stunning. Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? Frasier: No! Lilith: It's from a new Couture line called "Encore!" Frasier: Well... bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising! Niles: Frasier! Excuse us, we'll be right back. Eddie will entertain you. Frasier and Niles exit to the kitchen. Lilith is left on her own as Eddie jumps up onto the chair. Lilith: Hello, Eddie. He runs away, leaving her in tears. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Niles is getting a drink out of the fridge as Frasier prattles on. Frasier: Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing like that! That woman plays me like a lute - well, I guess you know a thing or two about that! Huh! I've got all the resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you've gotta help me get through this... Niles! Frasier realizes he's fallen asleep again in the fridge. Frasier wakes him up. Niles: Did I do it again? Frasier: Yes, you fell asleep with your cheek right next to the ice tray! Niles: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris! Frasier: Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith! Niles: Alright, alright, let me think, let me think... I think I have the answer. When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellant you will be incapable of any sexual desire. [thinks, then] Remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm and found that dead horse lying in the hot sun crawling with maggots? Frasier: Yes, of course. Niles: Hold onto that picture. You can ride that horse to safety. Frasier: Thank you, Niles, that just might do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse! [guns down his drink] Niles: Feel up to facing her again? Frasier: Yes! Let her bat her eyes all she wants to, she can push her breasts up to Canada, I won't budge! Niles chucks him on the shoulder, and they go out again. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Hotel In her hotel room, Lilith is lying naked in bed, entwined with a man. However, the man is under the covers. Lilith: Morning. The man reveals himself with a sigh; it's Niles. Niles: Morning. END OF ACT ONE (Time: 10:00) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY Scene Five - Hotel Niles and Lilith slowly wake up and realize what they've done. They gasp and pull away from each other in bed. Lilith: My God! What did we do? What did we do? Niles: Well, first you put your... Lilith: I know what we did! What do we do now?! Niles: Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... [losing it] every day in Arkansas! [N.B. The line in an earlier draft was, "Everyday in France and people die for it!"] Niles: Frasier is going to kill us! Oh, why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening? Lilith: Why did you have to drive me home and walk me to my door? Niles: Oh, there's no point pointing fingers. We both know why this happened; last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness, confusion and... Lilith: Tequila shooters. Niles: [moaning] Mmm-hmm. There's a knock at the door, which scares Niles to death. Lilith starts to pull on a robe. Niles: [whispering] Who's that?! Lilith: Don't panic, no one knows we're here. Niles: I told Frasier I was driving you home. Lilith: [panicked, whispering] Why did you do a stupid thing like that?! Niles: Well, it wasn't stupid at the time! How did I know the minute we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse! The knock sounds again. Lilith goes to the door while Niles pulls on a robe. Lilith: Just be quiet. [clears throat] Who is it? Waiter: [o.s.] Room Service, ma'am. Lilith: Ah that's right, we ordered breakfast last night. Lilith opens the door to a waiter pushing a cart with two plates on it. Waiter: Good morning ma'am, good morning sir. I have Eggs Benedict and Eggs Florentine. Lilith: Did you bring ketchup? Waiter: Uh, no. Sorry, let me get that for you right now. Niles: [confused] Ketchup on Eggs Florentine? Waiter: [charmed] Oh! Your, uh, first breakfast together? Lilith: [mad] Just get it! He leaves as Niles examines the food. Niles: Now I remember ordering this; it's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion. Lilith: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich. Niles: I only have it once a year. The door is knocked on again. Lilith: That was quick. [goes to answer it] Frasier: [o.s.] Lilith, are you awake? Lilith: It's Frasier! Niles: Oh my God! What do we do? Lilith: Hide in the bathroom! Niles: Right! Niles runs in, but Lilith runs in with him. He pushes her out. Niles: No, not you! Frasier: Lilith? She realizes the food cart could be a sign there are two people there so she has a plan... Lilith: Wait, take the cart with you! [pushes it into bathroom with Niles] Niles: [stops it] Wait! Food in the bathroom? Lilith: Oh, just go! Lilith pushes the cart in with Niles and goes to answer the door. It's Frasier, and he's switched on horny mode. Lilith: Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here? Frasier: Surrendering, Lilith. I'm yours! [grabs her] Lilith: Oh - no... Frasier: Oh please, don't punish me for playing hard to get last night! It took everything I had to resist you. Lilith: Oh, this isn't right... Frasier: Oh, who cares?! [embraces her] You're gonna tell me that when you were lying in your bed last night you weren't thinking about me? Lilith: [honestly] Yes! Frasier: Oh, drop the mask, Lilith! We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night. Lilith: Oh, well... There is a sound of a toilet flushing from the bathroom. Lilith looks pensively at Frasier. Frasier: There's someone in your bathroom? Lilith: No, it's a defective toilet. It's been doing that all night, I think I'll just go check it now. Lilith enters the bathroom to confront Niles. However his narcolepsy has taken over and he is asleep on the flush. Lilith: [whispering] Niles! Niles: [as if nothing happened] Yes? Lilith: You fell asleep and flushed the toilet! Niles: Damn! Is he still here? Lilith: Yes. He wants to make love to me. Niles: Does the man have no scruples?! He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here - and yes, I'm aware of the irony. Lilith: I'll just ask him to leave. Lilith opens the bathroom door and enters the main room to ask Frasier to leave. However Frasier has already shed his clothes and changed into a dressing gown. Lilith: My God! Frasier: [saucily] My Goddess! The waiter knocks on the door but Lilith needs to settle matters. Lilith: [to waiter] Go away! Waiter: [o.s.] But I've got your ketchup, ma'am. Lilith: Not necessary. Waiter: OK, but I still need the bill. Lilith: Later. Frasier: Well, let's just take care of this... Frasier opens the door to the waiter. Waiter: I'm sorry to disturb you, but here's the... [realizes it's a different man] ketchup. [hands it over] Sorry it took so... long. I, er, still need the bill. [looks around room] Where's the cart? Lilith: In the bathroom. Frasier: Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom? Lilith: Ah, I was going to take a hot bath while I ate. Frasier: Still, food in the bathroom? Lilith: Be right back. She enters the bathroom to get the bill. Frasier: [to waiter] Well, this is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife, we're sort of reconnecting. Waiter: [knowing better] Yes sir, that's ...er... wonderful. Frasier: You never know, it might just work out this time. Waiter: [sarcastically] Oh...kay. Lilith: [enters with money] There you go, [bribing] There's a generous, generous tip in there for you. Waiter: [understanding] Thank you, ma'am. Frasier: Say, listen - while you're still here, why don't you send up an order of Eggs Benedict? There's no reason why she should eat alone. Waiter: [looks at Lilith] Oh...kay. The waiter leaves, letting Frasier resume his seductive lures. Frasier: Now, where were we? Lilith: Oh, this isn't a good time for this, really. Frasier: Why not? Lilith, please, we're alone, we're here, you need your Frasier- There is a clatter in the bathroom; the sound of a dinner tray falling to the floor. This raises Frasier's suspicions. Frasier: What the hell was that?! [goes to the bathroom door] Lilith: No, Frasier, wait, don't go in there! Wait! Lilith tries to keep Frasier back, but he pushes her out of the way and enters the bathroom. Niles is fast asleep with his head on his order of Eggs Benedict. Frasier: Niles!! Niles: [as if nothing had happened] Yes? [shocked to see Frasier] Frasier: My God! Lilith: Frasier, I'm sorry, we didn't mean for this to happen... Frasier: OH MY GOD! Niles: It was a mistake, a horrible, misguided mistake- Frasier: [half mad] Stop it, Niles! Stop it! Don't tell me how or why, I've just got to get out of here! Confused and still in his bathrobe, he runs out of the room. Lilith: Oh, Frasier, Frasier! But he's gone. Niles sinks onto the bed. Niles: This is my worst nightmare. Lilith: You have egg on your face. Niles: That is an understatement! Lilith: No, actual egg! Niles looks up at Lilith and we see he has "scrambled eggs all over his face." Someone knocks on the door again. She goes to answer it. Lilith: It's in your hair too! Frasier enters, still looking mad. Niles: I knew you couldn't stay mad at us. Frasier: I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass! Frasier begins to pull his trousers on before listening to Lilith. Lilith: I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would. But, if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment - we didn't technically do anything wrong. Frasier: [outraged] What? You didn't do anything wrong?! Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it! Lilith: You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions. Frasier: You're actually defending what you did?! Lilith: Just listen; the past few days have been THE worst of my life. I have never been less self-assured, or more in need of validation, both as a person and especially as a woman. Niles was feeling the same thing. Niles: Exactly. [realizes the woman part] Wait a minute... Lilith: Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth. Frasier: Well... that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I too happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments towards me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety. [to Lilith] You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this shared bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge! Lilith: Allow me to rebut: what a crock! Frasier: It is not! Lilith: It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self- absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place! Frasier: I have a right to... [realizes] Why am I defending myself?! Niles: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people, ruled by very powerful superegos - tortured by them, who found a chance - however misguided - to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softie, but that's how I see it. Frasier: OK, then... the three of us have certainly analyzed the CRAP out of this! Niles: Yes, where do we all go from here? Frasier: I don't know. Niles's mobile rings and he goes to answer it. Lilith and Frasier try to settle things quietly. Lilith: You realize that if you had simply given into me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell. Frasier: No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell! Meanwhile, Niles is getting mad with the lawyers on the phone... Niles: [to phone] Well, I don't give a damn! I've been manipulated by you jackals enough, I'll see you in court! [puts phone away] The very idea that Maris still thinks she can... [still alert] Hey, I'm not sleepy. That conversation should have put me out like a light! Lilith: Well, it's not surprising. Your experience with Maris has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way towards restoring your self-confidence. Niles: Of course! And by the same token you can now give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you are unattractive. You have ample evidence to the contrary. Lilith: Yes, I have! [smugly] Well, to hell with Brian! If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan! Frasier: So, [sarcastically] isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine- thirty yet! [points to watch] Lilith: Frasier, try to understand... Niles: Yes, what happened last night was just... Frasier: Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. [bitter chuckle] I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya! Lilith: You know, Frasier... Frasier: Enough, Lilith. Lilith: Alright. Maybe, I'll just go... have some breakfast. [she exits to bathroom] Niles: Are we OK? Frasier: No, we're not... but we will be. Niles: Well, that's enough for now. [waits, and then perkily] We're an odd little family, aren't we? There is a voice from the other side of the door - it's the waiter. Niles goes to answer it. Waiter: Here's your Eggs Benedict, if you could just... He nearly faints when he sees no Lilith, just two men in bathrobes. Waiter: Oh...kay! The waiter leaves along with this episode as the Crane boys look sorrowfully at each other. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:10) [SCENE_BREAK] In the bathroom, Lilith sits on the toilet and pulls up her cart to enjoy her breakfast. She gets settled before dousing her Eggs Florentine in tomato ketchup. After she pours herself a cup of tea, she finally begins eating this catering disaster for people with acquired (Lilith only) taste.

Plan: A: Seattle; Q: Where does Lilith go to tell Frasier about her husband? A: Frasier; Q: Who does Lilith come to Seattle to see? A: her new husband; Q: Who has left Lilith? A: the interior decorator; Q: Who did Lilith's husband leave her for? A: temptation; Q: What does Frasier want Niles to help him resist? A: a very revealing new dress; Q: What does Lilith wear to dinner? A: her hotel room; Q: Where do Niles and Lilith sleep together? Summary: Lilith has come to Seattle to tell Frasier that her new husband has left her for the interior decorator. Frasier is worried, as they have been in this situation before, and he finds Lilith irresistible when she is vulnerable. He exhorts Niles to help him resist temptation, particularly when she goes to dinner with them wearing a very revealing new dress. But after getting drunk, it is Niles and Lilith who sleep together in her hotel room.

INT. TARDIS The Doctor treads over the grilling in the TARDIS. He slings his jacket over one of the supports and walks slowly up to the console where he begins to operate the controls. The engines start to hum. EXT. POWELL ESTATE Rose, Jackie and Mickey are outside the TARDIS... Rose packed and ready to go. JACKIE: Have you got everything? ROSE: I've got everything, don't worry. JACKIE: Be careful. They hug. ROSE: You got to call Mo about that... JACKIE: Oh, never mind Mo... INT. TARDIS The Doctor pulls a lever and the rotor begins to rise and fall. He gazes up at it and a proud smile spreads across his face. EXT. POWELL ESTATE ROSE: Okay, I'm going now. I love you! She kisses her mum on the cheek. JACKIE: I love you. ROSE: Love you, love you... INT. TARDIS The Doctor smacks down on the controls. EXT. POWELL ESTATE Rose kisses Mickey goodbye. MICKEY: Love you. ROSE: Bye. She goes to the TARDIS with a bounce in her step and a smile on her face. INT. TARDIS Rose closes the door behind her, shrugging the rucksack from her shoulders. The Doctor notices her and they beam at each other. The Doctor pulls a lever with extra vigour. EXT. POWELL ESTATE The TARDIS begins to dematerialize. Jackie is already walking away, but Mickey watches it go before following her. INT. TARDIS The Doctor and Rose are both operating the controls. ROSE: So, where are we going? THE DOCTOR (grinning): Further than we've ever gone before. Rose grins back. OPENING CREDITS EXT. NEW EARTH Rose and the Doctor step out of the TARDIS onto a windy stretch of grass. Rose's mouth drops open. THE DOCTOR: It's the year five billion and twenty three... we're in the galaxy M87, and this... this is New Earth. They are looking upon a futuristic city, with flying vehicles zooming to and fro. ROSE: That's just... that's... She bursts out laughing, in wonder. THE DOCTOR (nodding): Not bad. Not bad at all! ROSE: That's amazing. I'll never get used to this. Never. Different ground beneath my feet! She jumps up and down excitedly. ROSE (CONT'D): Different sky...! What's that smell? The Doctor bends down and pulls some grass up. He shows it to her. THE DOCTOR: Apple grass. ROSE: Apple grass...! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah! ROSE: That's beautiful! She gazes up at the Doctor with a wide smile. ROSE (CONT'D): Oh, I love this. Can I just say... She links her arm through his. ROSE (CONT'D): ... travelling with you... I love it. THE DOCTOR: Me too. Rose laughs and the Doctor grins. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Come on! He grabs her hand and they dash off. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT The Doctor and Rose are being watched through a reddish-tinged orb, by a pale man covered with interesting patterns. His eyes widen. CHIP (awestruck): Human! She's pure-blood human. He twists a control to zoom in. CHIP (CONT'D): Closer. Closer! EXT. NEW EARTH One of the metal spiders (as seen in: The End of the World) scurries closer to where the Doctor and Rose lie sprawled on the grass, lying on the Doctor's coat. THE DOCTOR: So, the year five billion... the sun expands, the Earth gets roasted. ROSE (smiling): That was our first date. THE DOCTOR (leaning back to look at her): We had chips! They giggle. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): So anyway, planet gone, all rocks and dust, but the human race lives on, spread out across the stars. Soon as the Earth burns up... oh, yeah, they get all nostalgic... big revival movement... but find this place! He sits up for a better look at the view. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Same size as the Earth... same air... same orbit... lovely! Call goes out, the humans move in! ROSE: What's the city called? THE DOCTOR: New New York. ROSE (skeptically): Oh, come on. THE DOCTOR: It is! It's the City of New New York! He pauses, thinking. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Strictly speaking, it's the fifteenth New York since the original. So that makes it New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York. Rose smiles down at him, reminiscing. He notices. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What? ROSE: You're so different. THE DOCTOR: New New Doctor. Rose giggles and the Doctor chuckles. The metal spider watches them. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Chip is operating the controls and turns around at the sound of Cassandra's voice. CASSANDRA: Impossible. I recognize that child. Her face. Show me her face! CHIP: Closer. Closer! EXT. NEW EARTH The spider scurries across the grass. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT CHIP (CONT'D): Face! Face! Face! EXT. NEW EARTH ROSE (getting up): Can we go and visit New New York... so good they named it twice? THE DOCTOR (also getting up): Well... I thought we might go there first. He nods towards a large building in the distance, on the coast. ROSE: Why? What is it? He has trouble getting his coat on because of the wind, so Rose helps him. THE DOCTOR: Some sort of hospital. Green moon on the side... that's the universal symbol for hospitals. ROSE: Hmm! THE DOCTOR: I got this. He pulls out his psychic paper. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A message on the psychic paper. The words: Ward 26... Please Come, scrawl across the paper. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Someone wants to see me. He tucks it back in his pocket. ROSE: Hmm! And I thought we were just sight-seeing. Come on then! Let's go and buy some grapes. She links her arm through his. The spider follows them. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Cassandra gasps. CASSANDRA: Rose Tyler! I knew it! That dirty blonde assassin! CHIP: She's coming here, mistress! CASSANDRA: This is beyond coincidence! This is destiny. At last I can be revenged on that little... INT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL Rose and the Doctor walk through the hospital doors and into the reception. ROSE: Bit rich coming from you. THE DOCTOR: I can't help it! I don't like hospitals... they give me the creeps! PA: The Pleasure Gardens will now take visitors carrying green or blue identification cards for the next fifteen minutes. Visitors are reminded that cuttings from the gardens are not permitted. ROSE (looking around): Very smart. Not exactly NHS. THE DOCTOR: No shop. I like the little shop! ROSE: I thought this far in the future, they'd have cured everything. THE DOCTOR: The human race moves on, but so do the viruses. It's an ongoing war. A cat nurse walks by and nods politely to Rose, who stares at her. ROSE (pointing): They're cats. THE DOCTOR: Now, don't stare... think what you look like to them, all... He looks her up and down. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Pink and yellow. That's where I'd put the shop! He points over Rose's shoulder. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Right there! Whilst Rose is looking, he walks over to the lift and steps inside. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ward 26, thanks! INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT CHIP: Override controls. INT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL ROSE: Hold on! Hold on! She rushes to the lift, but too late... the doors have closed. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 THE DOCTOR (through the doors): Oh, too late... I'm going up. INT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL ROSE: It's all right, there's another lift. She rushes to the other lift and presses the button. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 THE DOCTOR (calling down): Ward 26. And watch out for the disinfectant. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Chip watches through the orb. INT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL ROSE (calling up): Watch out for what? INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 THE DOCTOR: The disinfectant! INT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL ROSE: The what? INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 THE DOCTOR: The di... oh, you'll find out. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 2 Rose steps into the lift. ROSE (awkwardly): Um... Ward 26. Thanks... The doors close and the lift goes down. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 SPEAKER: Commence stage one... disinfection. Green lights flash on and the Doctor is soaked in a shower of disinfectant. He is perfectly calm about this. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 2 SPEAKER (CONT'D): Commence stage one... disinfection. Rose is also soaked in the disinfectant. She screams. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 The Doctor smoothes his hands through his hair. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 2 Rose smacks the walls frantically with her eyes screwed shut, trying to turn the shower off. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 A white powder is puffed onto the Doctor, who barely reacts. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 2 The same white powder is puffed onto Rose. She squeezes her eyes shut, looking shocked and a bit disgusted. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 1 A blow-dryer engages. The Doctor looks as though he is enjoying the experience immensely, spreading his coat out to dry and smiling happily. INT. HOSPITAL LIFT 2 After the initial shock, Rose tries to tidy her hair in the gusts of wind from the blow-dryer. INT. WARD 26 The lift doors slide open at ward 26 and the Doctor steps out, looking very well groomed. His hair is perfectly tidy for once. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Rose steps out at what seems to be some sort of cellar. She is still pulling at her hair, which is looking quite neat. CHIP (some way down the corridor): The Human child is clean. ROSE: Um... I'm looking for Ward 26...? CHIP: This way, Rose Tyler. He scurries off. Rose follows him apprehensively. She picks up a metal rod just in case. INT. WARD 26 The Doctor is lead into the ward by Sister Jatt. THE DOCTOR (looking around): Nice place. No shop, downstairs. I'd have a shop. Not a big one... just a shop. So people can shop. SISTER JATT (surprised): The hospital is a place of healing. THE DOCTOR: A shop does some people the world of good. Not me. Other people... They start to walk. The Doctor sees a patient who is completely red. SISTER JATT: The Sisters of Plentitude take a lifelong vow to help. And to mend. They pass a bed holding an extremely fat man (The Duke of Manhattan) looking as though he is about to turn to stone. By the bed is a very prim woman... Frau Clovis. FRAU CLOVIS (indignantly): Excuse me! She approaches the Doctor. FRAU CLOVIS (CONT'D): Members of the public may only gaze upon the Duke of Manhattan with written permission from the Senate of New New York. THE DOCTOR (nodding to the Duke): That's Petrifold Regression, right? DUKE: I'm dying, sir. A lifetime of charity and abstinence. And it ends like this. FRAU CLOVIS: Any statements made by the Duke of Manhattan may not be made public without official clearance. DUKE (gasps): Frau Clovis! She rushes to his side. He grasps her hand. DUKE (CONT'D): I'm so weak! FRAU CLOVIS (outraged): Sister Jatt! A little privacy, please! Sister Jatt leads the Doctor away. SISTER JATT: He'll be up and about in no time. THE DOCTOR: I doubt it. Petrifold Regression? He's turning to stone. There won't be a cure for... oh... a thousand years? He might be up and about, but only as a statue... SISTER JATT: Have faith in the sisterhood. But is there no one here you recognize? The Doctor looks around. His eye is caught. SISTER JATT: It's rather unusual to visit without knowing the patient. THE DOCTOR: No. I think I've found him. Sister Jatt follows his gaze. The Face of Boe is in the corner of the ward by the window. They approach him and the nurse he is with. SISTER JATT: Novice Hame... if I can leave this gentleman in your care? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I think my friend got lost. Uh... Rose Tyler. Could you ask at reception? SISTER JATT: Certainly, sir. She leaves. Novice Hame and the Doctor look at the Face of Boe. NOVICE HAME: I'm afraid the Face of Boe's asleep. That's all he tends to do these days. Are you a friend, or...? THE DOCTOR: We met just the once on Platform One. What's wrong with him? NOVICE HAME: I'm so sorry. I thought you knew. The Face of Boe is dying. THE DOCTOR: Of what? NOVICE HAME: Old age. The one thing we can't cure. He's thousands of years old. Some people say millions. Although, that's impossible. THE DOCTOR (smiling): Oh, no... I like impossible. He kneels before the Face of Boe. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm here. I look a bit different, but it's me... it's the Doctor... He places a hand on the tank. The Face of Boe sighs. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Rose emerges from the corridor into a room where an old tape is playing. She curiously looks at the flickering image being projected onto the screen. It is a glamourous party scene, everyone present laughing and holding champagne. Cassandra is there, talking to everyone and as she was before all her surgery. CASSANDRA (on tape): I mean, you never know what your life's going to be like! Ever! I'm bored with this drink. She hands it away to someone. CASSANDRA (CONT'D) (on tape): Anyway... oh, hello darling! Now, don't! Stop it! She pushes a man playfully in the chest. ROSE: Wait a minute... that's... She spins around, and there is Cassandra. Chip cowers beside her. CASSANDRA: Peekaboo! ROSE (holding up the metal rod): Don't you come anywhere near me, Cassandra. CASSANDRA: Why? What do you think I'm going to do? Flap you to death? ROSE: Yeah, but... what about Gollum? She gestures to Chip. CASSANDRA: Oh... that's just Chip. He's my pet. CHIP: I worship the mistress! CASSANDRA: Moisturize me, moisturize me... Chip picks up a canister and squirts Cassandra with it. CASSANDRA (CONT'D): He's not even a proper life-form. He's a force-grown clone. I modelled him on my favourite pattern. But he's so faithful. Chip sees to my physical needs. ROSE: I hope that means food. How comes you're still alive? CASSANDRA: After you murdered me. ROSE: That was your own fault. CHIP: The brain of my mistress survived. And her pretty blue eyes were salvaged from the bin. Cassandra looks flattered. ROSE: What about the skin? I saw it, you... She laughs in disbelief. ROSE: You got ripped apart. CASSANDRA: That piece of skin was taken from the front of my body. This piece is the back. ROSE (laughing): Right! So you're talking out of your... CASSANDRA: Ask not. CHIP: The mistress was lucky to survive. Chip secreted mi'lady into the hospital. ROSE: So they don't know you're here? CHIP: Chip steals medicine. Helps mi'lady. Soothes her. Strokes her... He raises a hand to stroke Cassandra. ROSE: You can stop right there, Chip. CASSANDRA (sadly): But I'm so alone, hidden down here... the last Human in existence... ROSE: Don't start that again... they've called this planet New Earth! CASSANDRA: A vegetable patch. ROSE: And there's millions of Humans out there... millions of them. CASSANDRA: Mutant stock! ROSE: They evolved, Cassandra. They just evolved, like they should. You stayed still. You got yourself all pickled and preserved, and what good did it do you? CASSANDRA (referring to film): Oh, I remember that night. Drinks for the Ambassador of Thrace. That was the last time anyone told me I was beautiful. After that it all became... such hard work. ROSE: Well, you've got a knack for survival... I'll give you that. CASSANDRA: But I've not been idle, Rose... tucked away, underneath this hospital... I've been listening. The Sisters are hiding something. ROSE: What d'you mean? CASSANDRA: Oh... these cats have secrets. Hush, let me whisper. Come close. ROSE (laughing): You must be joking if you think I'm coming anywhere near you! She takes a few steps backwards and is caught by a machine that binds her with light so she cannot move. CASSANDRA: Chip! Activate the psychograft! Chip bounds over to the controls. ROSE (scared): I can't move! Cassandra, let me go! Chip pulls a lever and bars of light come down from the ceiling and surround Rose like a cage. ROSE (CONT'D) (frightened): What're you doing?? CASSANDRA: The lady's moving on. It's goodbye trampoline, and hello Blondie! After a few seconds, a cloud of light jumps from Cassandra, across the room and into Rose. Chip releases the lever and Rose's body falls to the ground. CHIP (peering at her): Mistress? CASSANDRA-ROSE (beginning to stir): Moisturize me... Chip hurries to retrieve the canister. CASSANDRA-ROSE (breathless): How bizarre... arms... fingers... hair! Let me see! Let me see! She springs to her feet and dashes to a mirror. Her eyes widen in horror. CASSANDRA-ROSE (horrified): Oh my God. I'm a chav! INT. WARD 26 PA: Hope, harmony and health. Hope, harmony and health. The Doctor crosses the ward and gives Novice Hame a glass of water. NOVICE HAME: That's very kind. But there's no need. THE DOCTOR (going to the window): You're the one working. NOVICE HAME: There's not much to do. Just maintain his smoke. And I suppose I'm company. I can hear him singing, sometimes. In my mind... such ancient songs... THE DOCTOR: Am I the only visitor? NOVICE HAME: The rest of Boe-kind became extinct. Long ago. He's the only one left. Legend says that the Face of Boe has watched the universe grow old. The Doctor smiles. NOVICE HAME (CONT'D): There's all sorts of superstitions around him. One story says that just before his death, the Face of Boe will impart his great secret. That he will speak those words only to one like himself. THE DOCTOR: What does that mean? NOVICE HAME: It's just a story. THE DOCTOR: Tell me the rest. NOVICE HAME: It's said he'll talk to a wanderer. To the man without a home. The Doctor recognizes himself in this sentence. NOVICE HAME (CONT'D): The lonely God. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Cassandra is still stood in front of the mirror looking at Rose's body, absolutely horrified. CASSANDRA-ROSE (frantic): Look at me! From class to brass! Although... She pulls the zipper of Rose's jacket down slightly and runs her hands over her body. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): Oh... curves... oh, baby... She bounces up and down, Chip following suit. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D) (delighted): It's like living inside a bouncy castle! CHIP: Mistress is beautiful! CASSANDRA-ROSE: Absolutement! Oh, but look... Her eye is caught by Cassandra's old frame, which is empty. CHIP (sad surprise): Oh...! The brain lead expired... my old mistress is gone. CASSANDRA-ROSE: But safe and sound in here. She taps her head. CHIP: What of the Rose child's mind? CASSANDRA-ROSE: Oh... tucked away... I can just about access the surface memory, she's... She pauses to think. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): Gosh... she's with the Doctor... a man... he's the Doctor... the same Doctor with a new face! That hypocrite! I must get the name of his surgeon. She turns on her heel to look in the mirror again. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): I could do with a little work. Although... She runs her hand over Rose's bum. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): Nice rear bumper. Hmm! She smiles. Rose's mobile rings. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): Oh... it seems to be ringing... is it meant to ring? She pulls Rose's phone out of her back pocket and stares at it. CHIP: A primitive communications device. Cassandra presses a button and the Doctor's voice is on the other end. THE DOCTOR (over the phone): Rose, where are you? CASSANDRA-ROSE (whispering, placing the phone to her ear): How does she speak? CHIP (whispering back): Old Earth Cockney. CASSANDRA-ROSE (into mobile): Uhm... wotcha... INT. WARD 26 THE DOCTOR: Where've you been? How long does it take to get to Ward 26? CASSANDRA-ROSE (over the phone, forced voice): I'm on my way, governor. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): I shall proceed up the Apples and Pears. INT. WARD 26 THE DOCTOR: You'll never guess. I'm with the Face of Boe! Remember him? INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT CASSANDRA-ROSE (laughs, through gritted teeth): Course I do... that big old... boat... race... INT. WARD 26 THE DOCTOR (distracted by something happening at the Duke's bed): I'd better go. See you in a minute. He replaces the receiver. The Duke is laughing. He and Frau Clovis both have a glass of champagne. DUKE: Didn't think I was going to make it! The Doctor steps into view. DUKE (CONT'D): It's that man again! The Doctor smiles, scratching his ear absent-mindedly. DUKE (CONT'D): He's my good luck charm! Come in! Don't be shy! FRAU CLOVIS: Any friendship expressed by the Duke of Manhattan does not constitute a form of legal contract. The Doctor nods. DUKE: Winch me up. He gives the Doctor the thumbs up. Frau Clovis presses a button on a remote and the bed tilts forwards. DUKE (CONT'D): Ah! Look at me! No sign of infection! WAITER (to the Doctor): Champagne, sir? THE DOCTOR: No thanks. Uh... you had Petrifold Regression, right? DUKE (happily): That being the operative word! Past tense! Completely cured. He laughs joyfully. THE DOCTOR: But that's impossible. MATRON CASP: Primitive species would accuse us of magic, but it's merely the tender application of science. THE DOCTOR (staring at her): How on Earth did you cure him? MATRON CASP: How on New Earth, you might say. THE DOCTOR (nodding to the drip): What's in that solution? MATRON CASP: A simple remedy. THE DOCTOR (challenging her): Then tell me what it is. MATRON CASP: I'm sorry. Patient confidentiality. I don't believe we've met. My name is Matron Casp. THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. MATRON CASP: I think you'll find that we're the Doctors here. SISTER JATT (to Matron Casp): Matron Casp... you're needed in intensive care. MATRON CASP (to the Doctor): If you would excuse me. The Doctor nods to her and she leaves with Sister Jatt. He watches them walk away. SISTER JATT (quietly): It's happened again. One of the patients is conscious. MATRON CASP: Oh... we can't have that... The Doctor watches them suspiciously. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT CHIP: This Doctor man is dangerous. Cassandra-Rose flicks her hair back, fixing herself up in the mirror. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Dangerous and clever. I might need a mind like his. The Sisterhood is up to something. Remember that Old Earth saying...? Never trust a Nun. Never trust a Nurse. And never trust a cat. Perfume? Chip takes a small tube of perfume out of his pocket and gives it to her. She pushes it down her cleavage. She then strides out of the room with purpose. INT. INTENSIVE CARE Sister Jatt and Matron Casp pass luminous green doors in intensive care. SISTER JATT: It was having a perfectly normal blood-wash. And all of a sudden, it started crying. It's this one. They open one of the doors and look inside. Diseased hands reach out to them. PATIENT: Please... SISTER JATT: Look at its eyes. So alive. MATRON CASP: Positively sparkling! PATIENT: Please... where am I? MATRON CASP: And speech! How can it even have a vocabulary? SISTER JATT: Sister Corvin's written a thesis on the migration of sentients. She calls it: The Echo of Life. It's well worth a read. PATIENT: Help me... MATRON CASP (disgusted): I've seen enough, thank you. They shut the door and walk away. MATRON CASP (CONT'D): If this happens again, we might have to review our brain stem policy. SISTER JATT: And what should we do with the patient? MATRON CASP (dismissively): Standard proceedure. Incinerate. Matron Casp rounds a corner. Sister Jatt pulls a lever on the wall, and there is a terrible scream from the patient's cell as it glows white. She leaves. INT. WARD 26 Cassandra-Rose finally emerges onto Ward 26, still smoothing down her hair. She spots the Doctor examining various drips, with his glasses on. She smiles when he notices her. THE DOCTOR: There you are! Come and look at this patient! He takes her arm and shows her a patient whose skin is completely red. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (taking his glasses off): Marconi's Disease. Should take years to recover. Two days. I've never seen anything like it... they've invented a cell washing cascade... it's amazing. Their medical science is way advanced. And this one! He leads her to another bed sporting a man who is completely white. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Pallidome Pancrosis. Kills you in ten minutes, and he's fine! He waves cheerily to the patient. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I need to find a terminal. I've got to see how they do this. They walk off, Rose walking rather differently. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Because if they've got the best medicine in the world... then why's it such a secret? CASSANDRA-ROSE (stopping): I can't Adam and Eve it. THE DOCTOR (confused): What's... what's with the voice? CASSANDRA-ROSE (looking up at him): Oh, I don't know... just larking about New Earth... New me... She looks him up and down. He finally seems to notice that most of the buttons on her shirt are undone. THE DOCTOR: Well, I can talk. New New Doctor. He grins. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Mmm... aren't you just... She very suddenly pulls his face towards her and plants a smacking kiss on his lips. When she finally pulls away, he looks extremely shocked and she's slightly breathless. He stares at her. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): T... terminal's this way. She walks off, exhaling slightly. He watches her go looking extremely dazed and tousled. THE DOCTOR (high-pitched): Yep... still got it... He follows her, smoothing his hair down. INT. HOSPITAL The Doctor and Cassandra/Rose are looking at details of the hospital on a screen. THE DOCTOR: Nope... nothing odd... surgery... post-op... nano-dentistry... no sign of a shop... they should have a shop. CASSANDRA-ROSE (walking around him): No, it's missing something else. When I was downstairs, those Nurse / Cat / Nuns were talking about Intensive Care. Where is it...? THE DOCTOR: You're right, well done. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Why would they hide a whole department? The Doctor takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): It's gotta be there somewhere. Search the sub-frame. THE DOCTOR: What if the sub-frame's locked? CASSANDRA-ROSE: Try the installation protocol... THE DOCTOR (scanning screen): Yeah, course. Sorry. Hold on. He clicks his sonic screwdriver off and the entire wall moves downwards, revealing a secret corridor behind. Cassandra/Rose smiles and walks straight into it. The Doctor follows, knowing something isn't quite right about her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Intensive Care. Certainly looks intensive. Behind them, Novice Hame watches them enter the corridor. She follows. INT. INTENSIVE CARE The Doctor and Cassandra-Rose go down metal steps into Intensive Care. They find themselves in the huge cavernous chamber, looking upon row and row of green doors. The Doctor walks along one of the rows and opens a door with his sonic screwdriver. A man, covered in boils and surrounded by smoke looks back at them. CASSANDRA-ROSE: That's disgusting. What's wrong with him? THE DOCTOR (to the man, horrified): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Cassandra-Rose holds her nose whilst the Doctor closes the door gently. He opens another. CASSANDRA-ROSE (looking at the woman inside): What disease is that? THE DOCTOR (quietly, disgusted): All of them. Every single disease in the galaxy, they've been infected with everything. CASSANDRA-ROSE: What about us? Are we safe? THE DOCTOR: The air's sterile. Just don't touch them. He shuts the door and then leans over the railing, looking upon the rows of doors. Cassandra-Rose follows. CASSANDRA-ROSE: How many patients are there? THE DOCTOR: They're not patients. CASSANDRA-ROSE: But they're sick. THE DOCTOR (angry): They were born sick. They're meant to be sick. They exist to be sick. Lab rats. No wonder the Sisters have got a cure for everything. They've built the ultimate research laboratory. A Human farm. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Why don't they just die? THE DOCTOR: Plague carriers. The last to go. NOVICE HAME (appearing at the end of the row): It's for the greater cause. THE DOCTOR: Novice Hame. When you took your vows, did you agree to this? NOVICE HAME: The Sisterhood has sworn to help. THE DOCTOR (shouting): What, by killing? NOVICE HAME (gently): But they're not real people. They're specially grown. They have no proper existence. THE DOCTOR (advancing dangerously): What's the turnover? Hm? Thousand a day? Thousand the next? Thousand the next? How many thousand? For how many years? How many? NOVICE HAME: Mankind needed us. They came to this planet with so many illnesses. We couldn't cope. We did try. We tried everything. We tried using clone-meat and bio-cattle... but the results were too slow. So the sisterhood grew its own flesh. That's all they are. Flesh. THE DOCTOR: These people are alive. NOVICE HAME: But think of those Humans out there... healthy... and happy, because of us. THE DOCTOR: If they live because of this, then life is worthless. NOVICE HAME: But who are you to decide that? THE DOCTOR (stepping forward): I'm the Doctor. And if you don't like it... if you want to take it to a higher authority, then there isn't one. It stops with me. CASSANDRA-ROSE (peering over the Doctor's shoulder): Just to confirm... none of the Humans in the city actually know about this? NOVICE HAME: We thought it best not... THE DOCTOR: Hold on. I can understand the bodies. I can understand your vows. But one thing I can't understand... what have you done to Rose? NOVICE HAME: I don't know what you mean. THE DOCTOR (deadly quiet): And I'm being very, very calm. You wanna beware of that... very, very calm. And the only reason I'm being so very, very calm is that the brain is a delicate thing. Whatever you've done to Rose's head, I want it reversed. NOVICE HAME: We haven't done anything. CASSANDRA-ROSE: I'm perfectly fine. THE DOCTOR (to Novice Hame): These people are dying, and Rose would care. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Oh, all right, clever clogs. She spins him around to face her. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D) (pulling his tie out flirtatiously): Smarty pants. (Huskily). Lady-killer. THE DOCTOR: What's happened to you? CASSANDRA-ROSE: I knew something was going on in this hospital, but I needed this body and your mind to find it out. THE DOCTOR: Who are you? Cassandra/Rose stands on tip toes to whisper into the Doctor's ear. CASSANDRA-ROSE: The Last Human. THE DOCTOR (pulling back, unpleasantly surprised): Cassandra? CASSANDRA-ROSE: Wake up and smell the perfume. She takes the tube of perfume and skirts it in the Doctor's face. He immediately keels over, unconscious. NOVICE HAME (kneeling at his side): You've hurt him! I don't understand... I'll have to fetch Matron! CASSANDRA-ROSE: You do that, 'cause I want to see her. Now, run along! Sound the alarm! Novice Hame hurries off. Cassandra-Rose rips a cable out and an alarm goes off. She smiles, satisfied. INT. HOSPITAL Novice Hame emerges from Intensive Care and meets Matron Casp and Sister Jatt going in. NOVICE HAME (scared): Matron! It's that man. And the girl! MATRON CASP: We heard the alarm, now get back to work. Tend to your patients. Novice Hame hurries off and Matron Casp and Sister Jatt walk into Intensive Care. INT. INTENSIVE CARE The Doctor wakes up and finds himself inside one of the cells in Intensive Care. THE DOCTOR: Let me out! Let me out! CASSANDRA-ROSE (looks through door): Aren't you lucky there was a spare? Standing room only. THE DOCTOR: You've stolen Rose's body. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Over the years, I've thought of a thousand ways to kill you, Doctor. And now, that's exactly what I've got. One thousand diseases. They pump the patients with a top-up every ten minutes. You've got about... three minutes left. Enjoy. THE DOCTOR: Just let Rose go, Cassandra. CASSANDRA-ROSE: I will! As soon as I've found someone younger and... less common... then I'll junk her with the waste. Now hushaby! It's showtime. Matron Casp and Sister Jatt approach Cassandra-Rose. SISTER JATT: Anything we can do to help? CASSANDRA-ROSE: Straight to the point, Whiskers... I want money. MATRON CASP: The Sisterhood is a charity. We don't give money. We only... accept. CASSANDRA-ROSE: The Humans across the water pay you a fortune. And that's exactly what I need. A one-off payment. That's all I want... oh, and perhaps a yacht. In return for which, I shall tell the City nothing of your institutional murder. Is that a deal? Sister Jatt presses a few buttons on a remote. MATRON CASP: I'm afraid not. CASSANDRA-ROSE: I'd really advise you to think about this. MATRON CASP: There's no need. I have to decline. CASSANDRA-ROSE: I'll tell them! And you've no way of stopping me! You're not exactly Nuns with Guns... you're not even armed. MATRON CASP: Who needs arms when we have claws? Her claws shoot out of her paws and she hisses menacingly. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Well, nice try. She spins around to call to Chip who is waiting nearby. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Chip? Plan B! Chip pulls a lever and every cell door on the row springs open. The Doctor steps out of his cell, and also the infected people. THE DOCTOR (yelling): What've you done?? CASSANDRA-ROSE: Gave the system a shot of adrenaline, just to wake 'em up. See ya! She runs off. THE DOCTOR: Don't touch them! He calls back to the nurses. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Whatever you do, don't touch! He dashes after Cassandra/Rose and Chip. The infected people walk zombie-like up to Sister Jatt and Matron Casp. SISTER JATT: I think we should withdraw. MAN: We understood what you did to us. As part of the machine, we know the machine. MATRON CASP (backing away): Fascinating. It's actually constructing an argument. MAN: And we... will end it. He plunges his hands into the electrics, electrocuting himself to death but causing every single cell door in Intensive Care to explode open. Cassandra-Rose screams as she, the Doctor and Chip run for their lives along the row. The infected people start to leave their cells. SISTER JATT (looking over the railings, horrified): They're free. By the Goddess Centauri... the flesh is free! The zombies stagger slowly towards them, muttering: stop the pain..., reaching out to them. Sister Jatt is backed against the wall and one of the people touches her. She immediately breaks out in boils, screaming with pain. The Doctor, Cassandra-Rose and Chip pause for a moment and watch all the zombies break out of their cells. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Oh, my God... THE DOCTOR: What the hell have you done? CASSANDRA-ROSE: It wasn't me! THE DOCTOR: One touch and you get every disease in the world, and I want that body safe, Cassandra! We've gotta go down! The zombies are advancing. CASSANDRA-ROSE (scared): But there's thousands of them! THE DOCTOR: Run! Down! Down! Go down! They run down the stairs. Matron Casp picks up a phone. MATRON CASP: Quarantine the building! She hangs up and runs. PA: This building is under quarantine. INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY Shutters seal off every entrance and exit to the hospital, causing alarm amongst the patients, staff and visitors. PA(CONT'D): Repeat... this building is under quarantine. No one may leave the premises. Repeat... EXT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL The PA is booming out over the landscape. PA (CONT'D): ... no one may leave the premises. INT. INTENSIVE CARE The zombies follow the Doctor, Cassandra-Rose and Chip down the stairs, arms outstretched. THE DOCTOR: Keep going! Go down! INT. HOSPITAL The door to Intensive Care opens and the zombies reach out into the hospital. They grab onto a woman's arm, whispering: help us, stay with us... She screams. WOMAN: Help me! Her skin breaks out into boils. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT Cassandra-Rose, Chip and the Doctor descend the last flight of stairs and burst through a door into the cellar. Cassandra/Rose frantically tries to operate the lifts. THE DOCTOR (stopping): No, the lifts have closed down. That's the quarantine, nothing's moving. CASSANDRA-ROSE: This way! She runs the other way, the Doctor on her heel. More of the infected people are beginning to spill out from converging corridor. Chip is left behind. He whimpers. THE DOCTOR (beginning to go back): Someone will touch him! CASSANDRA/-ROSE (grabbing his arm): Leave him! He's just a clone thing, he's only got a half life... come on! CHIP (calling pitifully): Mistress! Cassandra-Rose is already running in the opposite direction. THE DOCTOR (calling to Chip): I'm sorry, I can't let her escape! He runs after her, out of sight. CHIP (terrified): My Mistress! The infected people advance on him. Whimpering, he runs back in the direction he came from and jumps down the waste chute. INT. WARD 26 Frau Clovis emerges through some sliding doors. FRAU CLOVIS (irritated): Excuse me...! Can we get some service? She looks helplessly around the empty room. She sees the opening to Intensive Care and the zombies emerging from it, screams, presses the alarm and runs in the opposite direction. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT The Doctor and Cassandra-Rose rush back into the room where Rose met Cassandra, slamming the door behind them. Cassandra-Rose tries another door but seeing the zombies all clambering to get in behind it, slams it shut again. CASSANDRA-ROSE (upset and scared): We're trapped! What're we going to do? THE DOCTOR (angrily): Well, for starters, you're going to leave that body. He gestures up at the psychograft with his sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): That psychograft is banned on every civilized planet! You're compressing Rose to death. CASSANDRA-ROSE: But I've got nowhere to go. My original skin's dead. THE DOCTOR : Not my problem. You can float as atoms in the air. Now, get out. He points his sonic screwdriver at her threateningly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Give her back to me. CASSANDRA-ROSE: You asked for it. Cassandra, as a cloud of light, leaps from Rose's body into the Doctors. ROSE (disorientated): Blimey, my head... She looks around the room. ROSE (CONT'D): Where'd she go...? CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (very camp): Oh, my. This is... different. ROSE: Cassandra? CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Goodness me, I'm a man. Yum. So many parts! And hardly used... Cassandra-the Doctor wiggles around crazily. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ah.. ah! Two hearts! Oh, baby, I'm beating out a samba! ROSE: Get out of him. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (running a hand down his body): Ooh, he's slim. And a little bit foxy. He raises his eyebrows at Rose. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You've thought so too. I've been inside your head... Rose looks sheepish because it's true. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (coming closer teasingly): You've been looking... you like it. The zombie people suddenly burst through the doors making them both jump. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (frantically): What do we do? What would he do?? The Doctor... What the hell would he do?! ROSE (spinning around and noticing a ladder): Ladder... we've gotta get up. Cassandra-the Doctor shoves Rose roughly out of the way to get to the ladder first. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Out of the way, Blondie! The zombies come even closer. Rose hurriedly follows Cassandra-the Doctor up the ladder. INT. WARD 26 The zombies are pressed against a glass window, trying to get through into the ward whilst patients, staff and visitors alike try to stop them. INT. INTENSIVE CARE Chip is back in Intensive Care, zombies approaching from both directions. He whimpers and backs into one of the cells, shutting the door on himself. INT. STAIRWELL ROSE (climbing the ladder behind Cassandra-the Doctor): If you get out of the Doctor's body, he can think of something. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Yap yap yap... God, it was tedious inside your head. Hormone City. ROSE: We're gonna die if... She screams as Matron Casp grabs her ankle. ROSE (CONT'D): Get off! MATRON CASP: All our good work! All that healing! Cassandra-the Doctor rolls his eyes. MATRON CASP (CONT'D): The good name of the Sisterhood... you have destroyed everything! CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (dismissively): Go and play with a ball of string. MATRON CASP: Everywhere... disease! This is the Human World. Sickness! A diseased hand grabs Matron Casp's ankle. She wails in pain and breaks out into boils. She falls down the lift shaft, wailing. After watching her fall, the zombie people start to climb the ladder again. ROSE: Move! Cassandra-the Doctor whimpers and hastily starts to climb the ladder again. PA: Maximum quarantine. Divert all shuttles. They get to the top of the ladder and find the lift doors are sealed. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Now what do we do? ROSE: Use the sonic screwdriver. Cassandra-the Doctor takes it out of his pocket between his thumb and forefinger with his nose wrinkled. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: You mean this thing? ROSE: Yes, I mean that thing. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Well, I don't know how... that Doctor's hidden away all his thoughts. ROSE: Cassandra, go back into me... the Doctor can open it. Do it! CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: Hold on tight. Cassandra leaps back into Rose. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Oh... oh, chavtastic again. Open it! THE DOCTOR (pointing his sonic screwdriver at her): Not 'til you get out of her. CASSANDRA-ROSE: We need the Doctor. THE DOCTOR (shouting angrily): I order you to leave her! Cassandra leaps back into the Doctor. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: No matter how difficult the situation, there is no need to shout. ROSE: Cassandra, get out of him! CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR: But I can't go into you, he simply refuses... he's so rude. ROSE: I don't care. Just do something. CASSANDRA-THE DOCTOR (disgusted, reluctant): Oh, I am so gonna regret this... Cassandra leaps from the Doctor's body into a diseased woman's body. CASSANDRA-ZOMBIE: Oh, sweet Lord... I look disgusting. The Doctor opens the lift doors and holds out a hand to Rose. THE DOCTOR: Nice to have you back. CASSANDRA/ZOMBIE: No you don't... She leaps back into Rose, who is crouched on the floor. THE DOCTOR (sealing the doors): That was your last warning, Cassandra! Cassandra-Rose stares into space. CASSANDRA/ROSE (quietly): Inside her head... they're so alone... they keep reaching out, just to hold us... all their lives and they've never been touched. The Doctor holds out a hand, which Cassandra-Rose takes. He pulls her to her feet. The diseased people bang on the lift doors. The Doctor and Cassandra/Rose walk off, through a door which leads back onto Ward 26. INT. WARD 26 Frau Clovis brandishes a chair at them menacingly, roaring like a wild animal. THE DOCTOR: We're safe! We're safe! We're safe. We're clean! We're clean! Look, look... FRAU CLOVIS: Show me your skin. THE DOCTOR (showing her): Look! Clean. Look... if we'd been touched, we'd be dead. Frau Clovis nods and puts the chair down. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): So, how's it going up here? What's the status? FRAU CLOVIS: There's nothing but silence from the other wards. I think we're the only ones left. And I've been trying to override the quarantine. She fiddles with a small device she is holding. FRAU CLOVIS (CONT'D): If I can trip a signal over to New New York, they can send a private executive squad. THE DOCTOR: You can't do that. If they forced entry, they'd break quarantine. FRAU CLOVIS (angrily): I am not dying in here. THE DOCTOR: We can't let a single particle of disease get out... there is ten million people in that City, they'd all be at risk! Now, turn that off! FRAU CLOVIS: Not if it gets me out. THE DOCTOR: All right, fine. So I have to stop you lot as well. Suits me. Rose. Novice Hame. Everyone! Excuse me your grace... get me intravenous solutions for every single disease. Move it! Everyone gathers all the solutions. The Doctor ties a rope around his body and Cassandra-Rose attaches the solutions to it so they hang off him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): How's that? Will that do? CASSANDRA-ROSE: I don't know! Will it do for what? The Doctor opens the doors to the lift with his sonic screwdriver. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): The lifts aren't working. The Doctor peers down the shaft. THE DOCTOR: Not moving. Different thing. He steps right back, ready for a running jump. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Here we go. He sticks the sonic screwdriver between his teeth and runs. CASSANDRA-ROSE: But you're not going to... He jumps into the middle of the shaft and clings onto the rope. CASSANDRA-ROSE (CONT'D): What do you think you're doing?! THE DOCTOR: I'm going down! He fixes up the wench with his sonic screwdriver. Cassandra-Rose looks away, exasperated. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Come on! CASSANDRA-ROSE: Not in a million years. THE DOCTOR: I need another pair of hands. What do you think? If you're so desperate to stay alive... Why don't you live a little? More zombies emerge from the quarantine. FRAU CLOVIS: Seal the door! INT. LIFT SHAFT The doors close, leaving Cassandra/Rose trapped with the zombies and no choice but to jump into the lift shaft and onto the Doctor's back with a regretful moan. CASSANDRA-ROSE: You're completely mad. I can see why she likes you. THE DOCTOR: Going down! They whizz down the shaft, screaming. They straighten themselves out when they reach the bottom. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Well, that's one way to lose weight. THE DOCTOR: Now, listen... when I say so, take hold of that lever. CASSANDRA-ROSE: There's still a quarantine down there, we can't... THE DOCTOR (shouts): Hold that lever! Cassandra-Rose backs down. THE DOCTOR: I'm cooking up a cocktail. I know a bit about medicine myself. He rips the tops of the packets of each solution with his teeth and skirts them into the clear container where the disinfectant for the lift should go. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now, that lever's going to resist. But keep it in position. He opens a trapdoor in the top of the lift. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Hold onto it with everything you've got. CASSANDRA-ROSE: What about you? THE DOCTOR: I've got an appointment. The Doctor is in. He drops down into the lift. He opens the doors with his sonic screwdriver. Beyond, are all the infected people huddled in groups. When they see him, they start to come towards him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm in here, come on! CASSANDRA-ROSE: Don't tell them! THE DOCTOR: Pull that lever! The infected people stagger towards the lift. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Come and get me, come on! I'm in here, come on! They reach out to him. SPEAKER: Commence stage one... disinfection. THE DOCTOR: Hurry up, come on! He beckons them towards him. The solution showers into the lift, soaking him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Come on, come on. The infected people stumble into the shower and are also socked with the medicine. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (enthusiastically): All they wanna do is pass it on. Pass it on! CASSANDRA-ROSE (confused): Pass on what? Pass on what?! THE DOCTOR: Pass it on! The infected people touch each other, and pass on their good health. The boils begin to disappear. The Doctor grins manically. Cassandra/Rose jumps down into the lift with the Doctor's help. CASSANDRA-ROSE: What did they pass on? Did you kill them? All of them? THE DOCTOR: No. That's your way of doing things. He walks into their midst. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'm the Doctor and I cured them. The new humans look around at their surroundings, slightly child-like. A woman comes up to the Doctor and hugs him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (gently): That's right! Hey, hey! There we go, sweetheart! Ay? Look at him... He ushers her off to sit with someone. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Go on, that's it! That's it! It's a new sub-species, Cassandra! He takes a man by the shoulders and looks at him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A brand new form of life! New Humans! Look at them, look! He bends down to look at them with a huge smile on his face. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Grown by cats... kept in the dark, fed by tubes... but completely, completely alive! He points at Cassandra-Rose THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You can't deny them, because you helped create them. Cassandra-Rose rolls her eyes. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): The human race just keeps on going. Keeps on changing. Life will out! Ha! EXT. NEW EARTH HOSPITAL Shuttles zoom towards the hospital. LOUDSPEAKER: This is the NNYPD. Please step away from the shuttles. INT. WARD 26 The hospital is swarming with police officers when the Doctor (still wet and in shirtsleeves) and Cassandra-Rose emerge back onto the ward. PA: All staff will present themselves to the officers for immediate arrest. I repeat... immediate arrest. All new life forms will be catalogued and taken into care. Novice Hame is lead away by a police officer. She catches the Doctor's eye. He does not smile. PA (CONT'D): All visitors to the hospital will be required to make a statement to the NNYPD. THE DOCTOR (suddenly remembering): Face of Boe! He dashes off again. Cassandra/Rose rolls her eyes before following. INT. WARD 26 (CONT'D) The Doctor approaches the Face of Boe who looks very much alive and well. THE DOCTOR (smiling): You were supposed to be dying. FACE OF BOE (through telepathy): There are better things to do today. Dying can wait. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Oh, I hate telepathy. Just what I need, a head full of big face. THE DOCTOR: Shh! FACE OF BOE: I have grown tired with the universe, Doctor, but you have taught me to look at it anew. THE DOCTOR (kneeling before him): There are legends you know, saying that you're millions of years old. FACE OF BOE (laughs slightly): There are? That would be impossible. THE DOCTOR: Wouldn't it just? I got the impression... there was something you wanted to tell me... FACE OF BOE: A great secret. THE DOCTOR: So the legend says. FACE OF BOE: It can wait. THE DOCTOR (put out): Oh, does it have to? FACE OF BOE: We shall meet again, Doctor, for the third time... for the last time... and the truth shall be told. Until that day... He teleports himself away. THE DOCTOR (very impressed): That is enigmatic. That... that is... that is textbook enigmatic. He nods to himself, and then stands to face at Cassandra-Rose, who has been examining her nails, completely disinterested in the proceedings. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And now for you. CASSANDRA-ROSE: But... everything's happy. Everything's fine... can't you just leave me? THE DOCTOR: You've lived long enough. Leave that body and end it, Cassandra. CASSANDRA-ROSE (starting to cry): I don't want to die! THE DOCTOR: No one does. CASSANDRA-ROSE: Help me! THE DOCTOR: I can't. Chip appears, making Cassandra-Rose gasp. CHIP: Mistress! CASSANDRA-ROSE: Ah! You're alive! CHIP: I kept myself safe. For you, mistress. CASSANDRA-ROSE (staring at Chip, cogs ticking...): A body... and not just that, a volunteer... THE DOCTOR (warningly): Don't you dare. He's got a life of his own. CHIP: But I worship the mistress! Cassandra-Rose winks at Chip. CHIP (CONT'D): I welcome her. THE DOCTOR: You can't, Cassandra, you... Cassandra ignores him and leaps into Chip's body. Rose falls forward with a gasp, and the Doctor lunges to catch her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh! You all right? Rose pauses and loses her balance again. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Whoa! Okay? ROSE: Yeah... Rose finally get her bearings and gathers herself together... and finds herself staring right at the Doctor. She smiles. ROSE (CONT'D): Hello! THE DOCTOR (smiling): Hello. Welcome back. Rose gazes up at him, smiling, when they are distracted again by Cassandra. CASSANDRA-CHIP: Oh, sweet Lord. I'm a walking doodle. THE DOCTOR: You can't stay in there. I'm sorry, Cassandra, but that's not fair. I can take you to the City. They can build you a skin tank and you can stand trial for what you've done. CASSANDRA-CHIP: Well, that would be rather dramatic. Possibly my finest hour. And certainly my finest hat. The Doctor and Rose glance at each other. CASSANDRA-CHIP (CONT'D): But I'm afraid we don't have time. Poor little Chip is only a half-life. And he's been through so much. His heart is racing so. He's failing. I don't think he's going to last... His legs give way. Rose and the Doctor lunge forward to support him. THE DOCTOR: You all right? CASSANDRA-CHIP: I'm fine. He pauses. The Doctor and Rose stare at him in concern. CASSANDRA-CHIP(CONT'D): I'm dying. But that's fine. THE DOCTOR (calmly): I can take you to the City. CASSANDRA-CHIP: No, you won't. Everything's new on this planet. There's no place for Chip and me anymore. You're right, Doctor. It's time to die. Rose looks rather upset. Cassandra-Chip swallows. CASSANDRA-CHIP (CONT'D): And that's good. The Doctor and Rose help him to his feet. THE DOCTOR: Come on. There's one last thing I can do. They lead him away. INT. PARTY The TARDIS engines sound. The Doctor steps out of the doors, followed by Cassandra-Chip and Rose. He has landed at the place on the tape Cassandra was playing, at the party. Cassandra, as a proper human being is laughing and talking, the life and soul of the party. Cassandra/Chip turns to the Doctor. CASSANDRA-CHIP: Thank you. THE DOCTOR: Just go. And don't look back. ROSE: Good luck. Cassandra-Chip walks into the midst of the party, up to Cassandra. He's smiling, watching her. CASSANDRA: And if you'd actually seen them, they were shocked! But don't quote me on that. Oh, naughty. a bientôt! She walks away from the group of people she was talking to and Cassandra/Chip approaches her. CASSANDRA-CHIP: Excuse me... Lady Cassandra... CASSANDRA: I'm sorry, I don't need anything right now... I'm fine, thank you. She turns away. CASSANDRA/CHIP: No... I just wanted to say... you look beautiful. Cassandra looks at him. CASSANDRA: Well. That's very kind, you strange little thing. Thank you very much. CASSANDRA-CHIP: I mean it. He steps forward and looks straight into her eyes. CASSANDRA-CHIP (CONT'D) (sincerely): You look... so beautiful. Cassandra stares at him, so touched. CASSANDRA (whispers): Thank you. Cassandra's-Chip's eyelids flutter closed and he keels over. CASSANDRA (alarmed): Oh, my Lord. Are you alright? What is it? What's wrong? Someone get some help! She gathers him into her arms. CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Call a medic or something, quickly! WOMAN: Who is he? CASSANDRA (frantic): I don't know. He just came up to me. I don't even know his name. He just collapsed. I think he's dying. Someone do something! I've got you, sweetheart... it's all right... Rose looks close to tears, and the Doctor is watching solemnly. CASSANDRA (CONT'D) (rocking him gently): There you are... there you are, I've got you... it'll be all right. There, there, you poor little thing... The Doctor and Rose walk slowly back to the TARDIS. The Doctor pauses for one last look before following Rose through the doors. [ END ]

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who sprays the infected humans with an intravenous solution? A: the Sun; Q: What destroyed the Earth? A: a hospital; Q: Where do the Doctor and Rose go in New New York? A: the villain Cassandra; Q: Who possesses Rose's body? A: "Rose"'s actions; Q: Who's actions does the Doctor become suspicious of? A: hundreds; Q: How many artificially-grown humans are in the hospital? A: diseases; Q: What are the humans infected with? A: their cures; Q: What do the Sisters of Plenitude find? A: a distraction; Q: What does Cassandra release the humans as? A: a zombie-like attack; Q: What begins after the humans are released? A: a disinfectant shower; Q: What does the Doctor use to cure the infected humans? A: Chip; Q: Who does Cassandra transfer her consciousness to? A: his cloned body; Q: What fails? A: her death; Q: What does Cassandra accept? Summary: The Doctor and Rose go to New Earth, the planet which humanity inhabited after the Earth's destruction by the Sun . They go into a hospital in New New York, where Rose meets the villain Cassandra again. Cassandra possesses Rose's body as she is in need of one, but the Doctor is suspicious of "Rose"'s actions. They discover that the hospital holds hundreds of artificially-grown humans that have been infected with diseases so the Sisters of Plenitude can find their cures. "Rose" releases several of the humans as a distraction, but they release others and a zombie-like attack begins. The Doctor sprays the infected humans with an intravenous solution using a disinfectant shower, curing them. The Doctor orders Cassandra out of Rose and she transfers her consciousness to her servant Chip , but his cloned body fails and Cassandra accepts her death.

Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is carrying a large box. Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff? Sheldon: Well, it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I'm the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle. Leonard: One more floor, and I'd be the pulled muscle. Penny (who is inside the apartment): Oh, it's about time, I'm starving. Leonard: Uh, well, we didn't actually get Chinese food. Penny: Why not? Leonard: Don't panic, this is better. Penny: Oh, no, you didn't trade the food for magic beans, did you? Sheldon: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city. Penny: Yeah, sometimes I don't listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down. Leonard: We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him. Penny: Who's Adam West? Sheldon: Who's Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus? Howard: My guess is, "Hey, four minutes! New record!" That's why I'm the funny one. Leonard: Anyway, we followed the guy to this garage sale, and they had the coolest stuff. Howard: They were closing up. We got this whole box for sixty bucks. Leonard: We didn't even get to go through it all. There could be anything in here. Penny: There a new girlfriend in there? 'Cause you might need one. Leonard: No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you're right, it's Ghostbusters 2. Never mind. Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where's my daddy, puppet? Where is he? Penny: That is so sad. Sheldon: No, what's sad is that you don't know Adam West was TV's Batman. Credits sequence Scene: The same Leonard: Here's Spock's head with no body. Here's Mr. T's body with no head. Oh, yeah, here's Spock's body with Mr. T's head. I pity the fool who's illogical. Penny: Okay, I'm just gonna go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony. Leonard: Okay, bye. Penny: Okay. Leonard: Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots. Raj: And an Aquaman action figure. Howard: Looks like someone drew a pen1s on him. Raj: Huh? That'll come off. Howard: You see what you're doing? Stop that. Sheldon: Fascinating. Leonard: What? Sheldon: It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring. Leonard: Oh. Raj: It's even got the Elvish engraving on it. Sheldon: It's not Elvish. It's the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to rule them all. Raj: One Ring to find them. Howard: One Ring to bring them all. Leonard: And in the darkness bind them. Raj: Holy crap, are we nerdy. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Howard: So, I was doing some checking on the ring. Raj: Hold on. Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table? Sheldon: Yes, there is. Oh, here's a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape. Raj: No, that's okay. I'll get it. Howard: Listen, I was looking at the ring, and it seemed a little weird. No copyright notice on it. So, I took it down to this buddy of mine who deals with, shall we say, the seedy underbelly of the collectibles world. Leonard: Seedy underbelly? Howard: You know, your black market phasers, your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura panties, that kind of stuff. Raj: Who's this mysterious buddy you suddenly have? Howard: Just a guy. I know a guy. Raj: Is it Eddie Crispo? Howard: No, I can't tell you who it is. Stop asking. Raj: Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo. Howard: I know lots of dangerous people, okay? Raj: Name one. Howard: Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn't a replica. It's the real deal. Sheldon: If you're suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement. Leonard: He's not saying it's a magic ring. You're not, are you? Howard: No, but it's close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring. Sheldon (snatching it): Mine! Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together. Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure. Leonard: How is this maritime salvage? Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not? Raj: Wait, wait. Sheldon, stop being crazy for a second. How much is something like this worth? Howard: Well, it's tough to say since it's hot, but on the underground market, my guy figures... Raj: Your guy Eddie Crispo? Howard: Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand. Raj: Okay, that's a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski. Howard: Why do you want a jet ski? Raj: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can't just be a coincidence. Sheldon: We can't sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies. Howard: It's sad how great that sounds. Leonard: Guys, it's stolen. It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies, it belongs to him. Howard: Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie. Raj: There are no Jewish hobbits. Howard: Clearly, you've never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah. Leonard: We are not blackmailing Peter J... All right, where's the ring? Sheldon: You mean my ring? Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did. Leonard: Give me that. Raj: Look, let's be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski. Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don't understand why in this group I never get my way. Leonard: You always get your way. Sheldon: I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring. Penny: Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap? Leonard: Yeah, it's delicious, the sarcasm's a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it. Penny: What ring? Leonard: This ring. Sheldon: Looking for something? Leonard: Will you hold on to this for a couple of days? Penny: Why? Leonard: It's a prop from a movie, and we're kind of fighting over it. Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewellery my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie, and I don't even get to keep it? Howard: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now, you'd have my great Aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat. Leonard: How am I looking now? Scene: Penny and Leonard are asleep in Leonard's bed. Sheldon creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Penny's neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Penny's chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face. Sheldon: Ow! You hit me! I'm bleeding! Leonard: What was that? Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him. Leonard: That's my girl. Scene: The cafeteria. Howard: So, Sheldon, how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl? Sheldon: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I'd have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter. Raj: Gentlemen, have you come to the realization that the only reasonable course of action is to sell the ring and divide the money? Leonard: No. Raj: I was afraid of that. (Opens his laptop to reveal an Indian looking man on a webcam.) Go ahead. Man on Screen: Greetings from Mumbai. I am Raj's attorney, Venkatesh Koothrappali. Raj: Also my cousin. Howard: You brought a lawyer? Venkatesh: Don't answer that. I'll get straight to the point. My client's prepared to surrender any interest he has in the ring in exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis. Leonard: We're not giving him two Jet Skis. Venkatesh: Look, we're big boys, why don't we just cut to the chase and meet in the middle? One Kawasaki Jet Ski, done and done. Leonard: No Jet Skis. Venkatesh: All right, forget the Jet Skis. Raj: Forget the Jet Skis? That was our line in the sand! What happened to "tear them a new one?" Venkatesh: What can I say? They played hardball. We lost. Raj: You're useless. Venkatesh: I told you that when you hired me. Raj: I'm signing off now. Venkatesh: Call your mother, she worries. Howard: Okay, just so you know, if we're bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe. Leonard: You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn't want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I'm sending it back. Where's the ring? Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men's room. Leonard: Give me that. Sheldon: No, it's mine. Raj: It's all of ours. (They begin to struggle over the ring.) Leonard: Okay, now, this is ridiculous! Howard: Then let go! Leonard: I'm not letting go, you let go. Howard: I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on. Leonard: Fine. But can't we go home and start this? Raj: Sure. Let go of the ring. Leonard: All right, it starts now. Howard: You do realize there's a giant bug movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel. (They start to move away from the table while all still holding the ring.) Raj: Wait, my laptop. (They go back for it.) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The stairwell. The guys are coming up the stairs, all still holding the ring. Howard: You know, there's a point when this becomes idiotic. Leonard: And it wasn't when we were driving like this? Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service. Leonard: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of s*x and the City. Raj: There are six seasons, dude. Leonard: Oh, crap! Raj: No, no, no, the sixth season is great. We go to Paris with Carrie and get our heart broken, and then Mr. Big shows up, we don't know if we can trust him again. It's a wild ride. Leonard: Door. (Leonard tries to unlock the door and drops the keys.) Raj: Okay, everybody, and plie. And relevae. Penny: Whatcha doin'? Leonard: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know, it sounds silly. Penny: No, no, no, no, no, no, you are my boyfriend. Nothing you do is silly to me. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret. Leonard: I'm out. Scene: The apartment. The three guys are still holding the ring. Howard is on the phone. Howard: I'm sorry, Ma, I have to stay late at the office. Raj: No, he's doesn't! He's lying to you! Howard: Will you be quiet? Raj: Well, if you want privacy let go of the ring. I'm so glad we came to this gentile strip club! Howard, here's more bacon to tuck into the shiksa's G-string! Howard: I'll call you back. Raj: I think it's lovely you call your mommy and let her know you're going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn't breast-feed on time, it's very uncomfortable for her boobies. Howard: Don't you talk about my mother's boobies! Raj: If you're offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother's boobies. Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don't you go after Raj's mother? Raj: Why don't we go after your mother? Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you'd like to add? Howard: That's not gonna Better pull out the big gun. Raj: You're right. Let's talk about your grandmother. Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws. Raj: Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had s*x. Sheldon: I don't want to hear this. Howard: Then let go of the ring and walk away. Sheldon: Never. Howard: All right. I'll bet your Meemaw didn't just have s*x to have your mother. I bet she had s*x because she liked it. Sheldon: Stop it! Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty. Sheldon: I said stop it! Howard: We're getting to him. Sheldon: Waterfalls! Raj: What? Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks. Howard: What are you doing? Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing. Raj: It's, it's not working, dude. Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it's working all right. I have to pee. Raj: Then let go of the ring and go. Howard: No, actually, I wouldn't mind going, too. Raj: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two... Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee? Howard: We stand up. Sheldon: Excellent choice. Raj: Three. Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes. Scene: Sometime later. The guys are on the settee. Howard is seen asleep, he is not holding the ring. The camera pans along to where Sheldon and Raj still hold the ring. Raj, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Howard. Sheldon: I've done it! I've won! The ring is mine! It's mine! (He runs to the bathroom) We're going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (He looks in the mirror and has turned into golem. He screams and wakes up, still on the settee.) Where's the ring? Leonard: It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from. Raj: The fires of Mount Doom? Leonard: Peter Jackson's office in New Zealand. It wasn't ours. Howard: You quit the game! You had no right to take it. Leonard: I came in here, you guys were all sleeping. The ring was on the floor. No one was touching it. Raj: Well, so then we start the game over until there's a winner. Leonard: There wasn't ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? 'Cause if it is, fine, I don't want anything to do with you. And I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to his bedroom. Takes a box from under his bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious. Scene: Leonard and Penny are asleep in Leonard's bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Leonard's neck. Sheldon: I knew it. Give us the precious! Leonard: NEVER! (They begin to struggle, both shouting "give it", "give it to me" and "it's mine" at various intervals. Penny gets out of the bed and heads out the door.) Penny: Ugh, gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.

Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who is the fourth person to acquire the ring? A: the One Ring; Q: What is the collectible casting of? A: Penny; Q: Who punches Sheldon on the nose? A: various means; Q: What do the four try to prevent the others from possessing the ring? A: disbelief; Q: What is Penny's reaction to the fighting? Summary: Sheldon, Raj, Leonard and Howard acquire a collectible casting of the One Ring, which turns out to be a prop from The Lord of the Rings film trilogy. After Penny punches Sheldon on the nose, fights and deceptions ensue as the four try various means to prevent the others from possessing it, as Penny observes in disbelief.

-[Fairy Tale World]- (Red is quickly running through the woods. She arrives at a tent where Prince Charming, Snow White, and several others are gathered around a map. They are discussing strategy when she enters.) Prince Charming: King George's men are here on this ridge... Red: We have to move camp. They're coming for us. Prince Charming: No! We will not run. We said we were going to take the kingdom back and we can't do that with our tails between our legs. ...No offense. Red: But matters have worsened. The King has a new general. Snow White: Who is he? Red: They call him the Leviathan. They say he attacks like a monster striking from the depths of the sea. You never see him coming, you never survive. Prince Charming: We'll see about that. Snow White: How close is his army? (An arrow tears through the tent and strikes the table.) Prince Charming: I'd say pretty close. (Everyone exits the tent. Several of King George's men have gathered outside.) Snow White: We should split up - divide them. Prince Charming: Exactly. Go. Go! Go. (Everyone scatters, except Prince Charming, who lingers back.) Snow White: Aren't you coming? Prince Charming: He's going after me. You'll have a better chance of escaping on your own. Don't worry. Meet me in two days time at the cabin. Snow White: The cabin? Where she is? Are you sure? Prince Charming: We're engaged. I think it's about time you met my mother. (They notice a masked knight on a horse watching them from a distance.) Prince Charming: Go. Go. (Snow White takes off into the woods, but is followed by the masked knight. The knight manages to get ahead of her and easily knocks her down.) Snow White: What kind of general hides behind a mask? Who are you really, Leviathan? Lancelot: Leviathan? That's what they're calling me? (He removes his helmet.) Lancelot: Name's Lancelot. Snow White: Lancelot? Of the Round Table? Lancelot: Not anymore. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (In 'the pit', Mary Margaret is still unconscious. Cora tends to her, while Emma watches.) Emma: You sure she's going to be okay? Cora: Don't worry. She'll be fine. Emma: What is this place? Where are we? Cora: It's a little island our captors like to think of as their haven. Emma: Haven? From what? Cora: The world's dangerous. What's left of it, anyway. Emma: Well, they can't keep us down here. We didn't do anything wrong. Cora: Neither did I. Emma: Then why are you here? Cora: I'm here because of something my daughter did. The curse that ravaged this land? She cast it. Emma: Regina. You're Regina's mother? Cora: Yes. But you have nothing to fear from me. The apple fell very far from the tree. You're from over there, aren't you? How'd you get back? (Mary Margaret awakens and sees the two of them talking.) MMB: Emma. No... Cora: Oh, Snow, you're awake. I'm so relieved. (Mary Margaret takes Emma aside.) MMB: As bad as you think Regina is, this woman is worse. Cora: Oh, Snow. Sweet Snow. Please... Believe me. Whatever she told you isn't true. I just want to help you. Emma: Let's hear her out. MMB: Emma. Emma: Okay. Right now, we are at the bottom of a hole with no other options. And Henry, is back in Storybrooke with Regina. Cora: Who's Henry? Emma: My son. I kind of share him with Regina. It's complicated. MMB: Don't talk to her. Guard: Enough! (One of the guards throws a rope down into the pit.) Guard: Our leader requests an audience. -[Real World]- (Henry and David are walking down the main street of Storybrooke.) Henry: So, what's on the agenda for Operation Scorpion? David: What's Operation Scorpion? Henry: The code name for our mission to find Emma and Snow? Do you prefer viper? That was my second choice. David: Henry, we need to talk. Henry: Yeah, scorpion's better. David: No, it's not that. It's... Henry: I'm not coming with you. But I... I thought we were going to find Jefferson? David: I already did. Henry: What? Is he going to help us? David: No. No, Henry, he's not. Henry: But why didn't you tell me you talked to him? David: Because I didn't want to disappoint you. I know you want to find your mom, but Jefferson can't help us. I need to find a way to restore the hat. Henry: So, why can't I help you look? David: It'll require magic, Henry. And magic- Henry: Always comes with a price. I've read the book, you know. David: I'm sorry, but I just can't let you anywhere near this stuff. If you really want to help me, you'll go to school where I know you'll be safe, okay? Henry: Okay. (Henry starts towards the school bus. Once David leaves, however, Henry heads elsewhere.) -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Emma and Mary Margaret are being led by one of the guards through the haven/village.) MMB: Why can't you just listen to me? Emma: Why couldn't you have trusted me? I was just trying to find a way to get us home. I could've handled her. MMB: Cora? Don't be so sure. I've lived here, Emma. I know this world. And its dangers. Guard: Wait here. Emma: Is that why you came through the portal? Because you thought I was helpless here? MMB: No... I came through to be with you. (Lancelot appears from one of the huts.) MMB: Lancelot? Lancelot: Snow? (The two of them embrace.) Lancelot: If I had known that you were the prisoners Mulan had brought back, I never would have locked you away. Please - forgive me. MMB: Of course. Emma: Lancelot? Really? MMB: He's an old friend. We can trust him. (From across the camp, Aurora and Mulan are watching the reunion.) Aurora: Why is he embracing them? They were responsible for Phillip's death. Mulan: You're new here, Aurora. Phillip trusted Lancelot. So must we. Aurora: I want justice. Mulan: Tread carefully. It's dangerous to confuse vengeance with justice. Do you understand me? (Aurora says nothing.) Mulan: Do you understand me? Aurora: Yes. (Aurora pulls out a dagger that she has concealed in her waistband.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Mary Margaret have sat down to eat. Lancelot drops a plate of strange looking meat on the table.) Emma: What the hell is that? Lancelot: That is chimera. An acquired taste, but all our hunting party could bring back. One part lion, one part serpent, one part goat. Emma: Like turducken? MMB: I don't understand. We were told this land didn't even exist anymore. How did you all escape the curse? Lancelot: It is a mystery. The curse struck and when the smoke cleared, most of us had been torn from this land. But some of us here, in this particular region, were left behind. We don't know how, and we don't know why. Finding this safe haven wasn't easy. Took some spilled blood. But worry not. You're safe here. MMB: We can't stay. My husband's back there, Emma's son - my grandson. We have to get back to them. Can you help us find a portal? Lancelot: No, leaving is unwise. The Enchanted Forest is not as you remember it. The ogres have returned. Emma: Ogres? Like, as in fee-fi-fo-fum? MMB: Those would be giants. Lancelot: Ogres are far worse. And that's why we live here. On this island, where it's safe. Please, Snow. Stay here. There are no more portals left. MMB: I might know of one. Emma: You do? Lancelot: Where? MMB: Cora's near. I don't feel comfortable voicing my plans. She's powerful. Lancelot: Not anymore. The curse stripped her of her powers. But, given her reputation, we kept her locked up as a precaution. MMB: Nevertheless, I'm not taking chances. Just trust me. I may have a way. Let us go? Lancelot: I'll allow it. But on one condition - take my bravest warrior with you. Allow Mulan to defend you. (He calls Mulan over.) Emma: We can defend ourselves. MMB: Deal. Thank you, Lancelot. For always looking out for me. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Lancelot has brought Snow White to King George's castle, where King George confronts her.) Snow White: I don't care what you do to me. I will never tell you where he is. King George: I know. That's not why you're here. Would you bring our guest some water? King George: Time's have been good for you, haven't they? I can see a light in your eyes. Cherish that. Because that light can die and be replaced by something else - pain. Snow White: The only thing you know of pain is how to inflict it. (Lancelot hands Snow White a goblet.) King George: That's where you're so very, very wrong. I've had my share of pain. I had a son that I loved, died before his time. I tried to replace him with your 'Charming', offered him the world. But he rejected me. Humiliated me in front of my kingdom. All for the sake of true love. Snow White: Something about which you know nothing. (She takes a sip.) King George: I know more than you think. Snow White: You? Were in love? King George: Yes. And she loved me. We were happy - blissful. But then, she became cursed. She drank a vile potion that made it impossible for us to conceive a child. Family is everything, my dear. Losing all hope of having one... There is no greater misery. Charming could have been that hope for me. But, instead, he made my suffering worse. For that, death is too good for him. First, he must know pain. My pain. (Coming to a realization, Snow White looks down into her drink.) Snow White: No... Lancelot: You poisoned her? King George: I cursed her. She will never bear a child. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mulan presents to Emma and Mary Margaret an arsenal of different weapons.) Mulan: Choose wisely. We must be vigilant if we hope to survive the journey. (Mary Margaret chooses a sword and straps it to her waist.) Emma: Where's my gun? I want it back. (Mulan takes the gun out of her pocket and inspects it before handing it to Emma.) Mulan: Is it magic? Emma: Depends on who's pulling the trigger. (Mary Margaret takes a bow and a quiver of arrows as a second weapon.) Mulan: Follow my lead. Step where I step. Do exactly as I say, and you might survive. Emma: Thanks for the pep talk, but I think we're okay. I just killed a dragon last week. Mulan: Have you ever seen an ogre? Emma: Pretty sure I've dated a few. Mulan: Legend has it, that when they kill you, the last thing you see is yourself dying in the reflection in their eyes. Let's walk. It'll be dark soon. (Mulan stalks ahead. Mary Margaret and Emma follow behind.) MMB: Don't let her rattle you. I won't let anything happen to us. Stick to the plan. Emma: What is the plan? You haven't told me anything. What's going on? MMB: The wardrobe. Emma: The wardrobe? 'The' wardrobe? Like, the wardrobe that sent little baby me to Maine? You think that can get us back to Storybrooke? MMB: I don't know. First, we have to see if it survived the curse, then we'll worry about making it work. Emma: Where is it? MMB: My place. Want to see where you're from, Emma? That's right. We're going home. -[Real World]- (Jefferson is sitting on a bench by the docks. He's staring at a piece of paper with 'Have you seen my Papa?' and a crude, child-like drawing of a man written on it. Henry approaches him.) Henry: Jefferson. ...Right? The Mad Hatter? I need your help. Jefferson: Look, I already told your grandfather. I can't do anything. Henry: I know. But, there must be something we can do. Jefferson: I'm the wrong person to talk to, kid. Magic's not my thing. Try your mother. Maybe she's got something in that vault of hers she can help you with. Henry: Vault? Her vault is here? In Storybrooke? Jefferson: It's none of my business. Talk to her. Henry: What's that? (Jefferson folds up the paper and tucks it in his coat pocket.) Henry: Your daughter's looking for you, isn't she? Jefferson: what do you know about it? Henry: I read your story. I know how the two of you were separated. Why are you here? She's at school. Jefferson: I've got to go home, kid. (Jefferson gets up and starts to walk away. Henry follows.) Henry: She probably wants to see you. Jefferson: Get out of my way. (Henry blocks his path.) Jefferson: Get out of my way. Henry: Why aren't you trying to find her? (He grabs Henry by the shoulders.) Jefferson: Because I left her! And she'll hate me. Henry: How do you know that? Jefferson: I was on my way... Fate reminded me I shouldn't. Henry: You should. I've been left, too. Anything's better than nothing. She'll spend her whole life wondering why you left her. Not knowing is the worst. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is packing up her office into boxes, when her cell phone rings. It's Henry.) Regina: Henry! I'm just packing up the office. I've been asked to leave. No, of course it can wait. I'd love to have lunch with you. Granny's - ten minutes. (She hangs up, grabs her purse, and leaves. Once the coast is clear, Henry appears from behind one of the side doors. He looks in one of the drawers of a filing cabinet, locating the ring of Regina's skeleton keys.) -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mary Margaret, Emma, and Mulan arrive at a clearing in the forest.) Mulan: This will do. We'll make camp here for the night. We just need to find water, collect some firewood. Emma: Uh, if we're hiding from ogres, shouldn't we maybe, I don't know, not start a fire? MMB: Ogres are blind. They hunt by sound alone. Emma: Right. Because that's something everyone would know about ogres. MMB: Look, I know you're out of your element... Emma: I'm fine. MMB: I know. But, maybe you should just stay here while we get wood and water. Guard the campsite? Emma: You mean the big, empty clearing? MMB: It's the safest place. We'll be right back. -[Fairy Tale World]- (In the middle of the forest, King George's men toss Snow White out onto the ground and then proceed to leave. She spots Lancelot approaching on horseback, seemingly searching for her. After arming herself with a large branch, Snow White hides behind a tree. When Lancelot rides past, she smashes him off of his horse, then threatening looms over him.) Lancelot: Wait! I've come to help. Snow White: After what you did to me? Lancelot: After what the King did to you. I still do have a small shred of honour left. Snow White: You really think I'm that naive? You're going to earn my trust so I can lead you straight- Lancelot: To the cabin. Where your prince is hiding his mother? Snow White: How did you know? Lancelot: Cause George knows where it is. He's sent them there to kill your man's mother. Snow White: Charming's at the cabin, too. [SCENE_BREAK] (Prince Charming's mother, Ruth, is sprucing up area outside, when he comes to fetch her.) Prince Charming: Mother, the place looks beautiful. Will you come inside? Ruth: I'm sorry if I want things to be perfect when I meet the girl my son is going to marry. (A noise is heard in the woods.) Prince Charming: Wait. Did you hear that? (They hear what sounds like a horse.) Prince Charming: Go in. Bolt the door. Whatever happens, stay inside. Go. (Ruth leaves. Prince Charming is then surrounded my several knights on horseback.) Prince Charming: What? That's it? (He easily disposes of King George's men. He hears Ruth call out to him, who it turns out has been struck in the chest by a stray arrow.) Ruth: Son? Prince Charming: Mother! Mother! (He runs towards her, managing to catch her before she collapses. He gently lowers her to the ground.) Prince Charming: I told you to stay inside. Ruth: I know. But I heard you... I thought you were hurt. I'm sorry. Prince Charming: No. You're going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. (Snow White and Lancelot finally arrive.) Snow White: I'm so sorry. We came as quickly as we could. Ruth: Is this...? Snow... -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mary Margaret is collecting wood for a fire in the woods. Suddenly, Aurora ambushes her with a dagger, holding it against her throat.) Aurora: Don't move. Phillip's gone because of you. (Mary Margaret grabs Aurora's shoulders and throws her over her head. She then pins Aurora to the ground.) MMB: Listen to me, princess. You think I don't know what it's like to be separated from the people that I love? What happened to Phillip was not our fault. So I suggest, you find another way to channel your anger. (Mulan enters and pulls Mary Margaret off of Aurora.) Mulan Don't talk to her like that! MMB: She tried to kill me. Mulan: I will deal with her. (A warning shot is fired. The group turn to see Emma pointing the gun in their direction.) MMB: Emma, what are you doing? Emma: Protecting you. Drop the weapon. MMB: Do you have any idea what you've just done? (They hear a growling sound approaching them.) Emma: Ogres? (The ogre appears.) MMB: Run! (The group takes off running into the forest while the ogre trails them.) MMB: Split up! Mulan: Come on! (Mulan and Aurora go one way, while Mary Margaret and Emma go another.) MMB: Over there. (Emma trips over a branch, but Mary Margaret fails to notice. The ogre catches up to Emma, which she attempts to shoot. However, the ogre grabs Emma's gun and crushes it in its hand.) Emma: Seriously? (Mary Margaret appears behind the ogre and tries to divert its attention away from Emma.) MMB: Back away from my daughter! (Successful, the ogre turns its attention to Mary Margaret. She then aims and fires an arrow into its eye, which instantly kills it. Emma watches incredulously as Mary Margaret pulls the arrow out of the ogre's eye.) MMB: You have to shoot them in the eye. Emma: When was the last time you shot an arrow? MMB: Twenty-eight years ago. Guess it's like riding a bike. Emma: Yeah, but how did you know you could hit that? MMB: I didn't. And next time, listen to me? That kind of thing isn't going to work here. Emma: Yeah... MMB: We should get going. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White, Prince Charming, and Lancelot are still gathered around an injured Ruth.) Lancelot: It's poisoned. Prince Charming: Then we find an antidote. Snow White: With the fairies. They can help us. Lancelot: No. I'm afraid this is going to take something stronger than fairy dust. Prince Charming: Lake Nostos. I've been there before. Its waters have powerful magical properties. I've seen them turn a man from solid gold back into flesh. It isn't far - a day's journey at most. Lancelot: I'll prepare a wagon. [SCENE_BREAK] (Snow White and company travel on a path through the forest, with Ruth laid out on a wagon and Lancelot and Prince Charming on horseback.) Prince Charming: Must be a curious tale. Lancelot: What? Prince Charming: Well, how a knight of the Round Table ended up a sword for hire. Lancelot: You mean, how did I fall from grace? The same way you ended up running from King George - a woman. (They stop in the middle of the road.) Prince Charming: We're going to scout ahead. We won't be long. (Prince Charming and Lancelot leave Ruth and Snow White alone. Snow White sees that Ruth is in pain, and wipes off her forehead with a cloth.) Ruth: Thank you. Snow White: Oh, it's the least I can do, make you comfortable. Ruth: No. For giving my son something to believe in. All he's ever dreamt of was having a wife... And a son. Fret not, it could be a daughter. But trust me - all that matters is that it's healthy. Ruth: Let me show you something. (Ruth removes the pendant from around her neck.) Ruth: My mother gave this to me when I was pregnant. She said it was spelled by a gypsy to predict the s*x of your first-born, even before you're with child. Snow White: And it works? Ruth: It did with my boys. If it swings north to south, it's a boy. East to west, it's a girl. Shall we? Just between us. Snow White: Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. Ruth: Indulge an old woman. It will help take my mind off the... Well, you know. (Snow White nods.) Ruth: Here. (She holds the pendant above Snow White's extended hand. It doesn't move.) Ruth: Don't worry. It's just silly superstition. What's wrong, child? You can tell me anything, Snow. Snow White: It's the King. When he captured me, he cursed me. So... So that I can never have children. Ruth: Worry not. If the water from Lake Nostos can heal me, it should be able to do the same for you. Snow White: Do you really think so? Ruth: You are going to be a wonderful mother. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (The group continues to trek through the forest.) MMB: We're getting close. Mulan: Aurora, you've got to keep up. Aurora: Sorry, but I'm not exactly dressed for the woods. It's cold out here. Mulan: Then maybe, you should have listened to me and stayed back. (Emma gives Aurora her jacket.) Emma: Here. Aurora: But I tried to kill your friend. Emma: Actually, she's my mom. I have a feeling she can take care of herself. And I get it. You're not the only one who's been screwing up lately. Aurora: What kind of corset is this? Mulan: Up here. Emma: Is that it? MMB: Yeah. That's our home. (Looking out over the cliff, Snow White's decrepit former castle is seen in the distance.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White and company arrive at a small, desert-like basin, devoid of any sign of life.) Snow White: Where's the lake? Prince Charming: You're looking at it. It's gone. -[Real World]- (Using his book as a guide, Henry finds Regina's father's crypt. Using the skeleton keys to get inside, he spies scrape marks along the floor, figuring out that the sarcophagus can be moved. He pushes it aside and heads down to Regina's vault. Henry pauses at the wall of hearts, which can be heard beating inside of their boxes. He goes farther into the vault to where several vases and chests are held. He takes one of the chests and opens it slowly with one of the keys. Two snakes spring out of the box, but David arrives just in time to shut the lid.) David: Maybe we should've gone with Operation Viper. You alright? Henry: Yeah. How'd you know I was down here? David: Your mom said you asked her to lunch and, when you stood her up, she checked her office, saw her keys missing, figured out the rest. She would've come herself, but she didn't think you'd go with her. Henry, what were you thinking? Henry: I just want them back. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I should be over there with them. Riding horses, learning how to sword fight. David: I know. I know. It's okay. Because we're going to do this together. Come on, now. You got to get to school, and I got to make sure no one else finds this place. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Lancelot and Prince Charming are investigating the floor of the former lake, while Snow White waits with Ruth by the wagon.) Prince Charming: This is my fault. The siren who lived here? I killed her. That's why the lake is dry. Lancelot: You needn't worry. My mother raised me by a lake. There may yet be water. You just need to know where to look. (The two split up to search the ground. Lancelot comes across a shell containing a small amount of water.) Lancelot: God in His mercy, and her grace. Prince Charming: You found it? Lancelot: It's all that's left. Just enough for one sip. (They pour the contents of the shell into a canteen.) Prince Charming: Enough to heal my mother? Lancelot: We shall find out. (Snow White and Ruth overhear the conversation.) Ruth: I want you to have it. That last sip of water - I want you to drink it. Snow White: No. No, I couldn't. Ruth: That water can lift your curse. Allow you and my son to have a child. Snow White: But you'll die. I won't let you give your life for this. Ruth: That's what parents do. They put their children first. Someday, you'll understand. Snow White: No. Maybe it's for the best. I was raised without a mother. I wouldn't even know how to be one. This water was meant for you. (Prince Charming and Lancelot approach the two.) Prince Charming: Mother! Mother. Our prayers are answered. There's magic in this lake yet. Here, drink. (Ruth takes a sip of the water.) Ruth: Have faith, Snow. We'll find another way. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (The group arrives at the castle and enter one of the rooms. It appears to be a nursery, with a crib and several old toys laying around. The wardrobe is seen in the corner, which Emma recognizes.) Emma: Oh my god... I recognize this from Henry's book. Mulan: Come - we'll stand watch at the gate. (Mulan and Aurora exit.) MMB: I never thought I'd see this place again. This room... It was your nursery. Emma: I lived here? MMB: You never even got to spend a night. This is the life I wanted you to have. I was going to teach you how to walk in here. How to talk, how to dress for your first ball... You never got to do any of it. We never got to be a family. Emma: We have a family - in Storybrooke. And, right now, they need us to get back there. So, how do we get this to work? (She gestures to the wardrobe.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White and company are still gathered around Ruth.) Prince Charming: Why isn't it working? Lancelot: Wounds take time to heal. Prince Charming: No, no. I've used this magic before. It... It worked instantly. It wasn't enough water. We need more. (He starts to run back to the lake, but Ruth calls out to stop him.) Ruth: Son... Stop. (Prince Charming returns.) Ruth: There's no...more magic here. And I don't want to spend my last moments this way. Prince Charming: This is all my fault. I am so... Sorry. Ruth: For what? For being happy? For finding your true love? For your happiness, I would gladly give my life. My only regret, is that I won't live to see you marry Snow. Prince Charming: Shh... Snow White: Yes, you will. Lancelot. Does a disgraced member of the Round Table still have the power to perform a wedding? Lancelot: It would be my honour. (Snow White and Prince Charming stand before Lancelot, who pours the remaining water from the canteen into a chalice. Ruth watches the ceremony from the wagon.) Lancelot: In my kingdom, there is legend of a cup. It has the power to grant eternal life. And so, may the love between you always be strong, true, and eternal. (They both take a sip of water from the chalice. They kiss. When they break apart, they look over to see that Ruth has passed.) Prince Charming: Goodbye, Mother. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (At the castle, Emma and Mary Margaret look over the wardrobe.) Emma: Where's the 'on' switch? MMB: It's more complicated than that. We'll have to get it back to the island. Hopefully, someone there has access to enough magic to make it work again. Emma: How are we going to carry this thing? (Lancelot enters.) Lancelot: With the help of an old friend. MMB: Lancelot. What are you doing here? Lancelot: We heard about the ogre attack, and I had to make sure you were alright. MMB: Where are Mulan and Aurora? Lancelot: I sent them to find food. Tonight we'll make camp and then, in the morning, we'll head back. So, this is it - the portal you were after. MMB: The same one Emma went through. That's how she skipped the curse. Lancelot: Remarkable... MMB: Geppetto carved it from an enchanted tree, but there's no magic left. Lancelot: Well, a portal this powerful... There must be another way to recharge it. MMB: Why are you so interested in the wardrobe? Lancelot: Well, I just want you to get home to your husband... And son. Henry. They must miss you. (Mary Margaret draws her sword and points it at Lancelot.) MMB: Stay away from him, Emma. He is not who he says he is. Emma: What are you talking about? Who the hell is he? MMB: There's only one person you told Henry's name. Emma: Cora. (In a puff of purple smoke, Lancelot transforms into Cora.) Cora: Clever girl. MMB: Where's Lancelot? Cora: He's dead. I killed him a long time ago. MMB: And you've been posing as him ever since? Cora: Well, they'd never listen to me. And besides... Every kingdom needs a hero, don't you think? (Mary Margaret lunges towards Cora, but is magically thrown and pinned against the wall. Emma attempts to help, but is also thrown back by Cora's magic.) Cora: Thank you, Snow. I've been looking for a way over for so long. (Mary Margaret struggles to breathe. Emma gets up and, again, tries to help, but Cora summons a rug, which wraps around Emma's legs.) Cora: I never thought the person to help me find it would be you. MMB: Why? Why are you doing this? Cora: I want to see my daughter. It's been too long. And you know, I would love to meet my grandson, Henry. Emma: No, you won't. (Using a bullet and a piece of wood, Emma creates a spark and starts a fire. The wardrobe begins to burn.) Cora: No! (Cora magically pulls the fire from the wardrobe and turns it into a fireball. She flings it towards Emma, but the shot is blocked by Mulan's sword. Aurora has also entered.) MMB: Mulan! Cora: We're not done. (Cora magically apparates out of the room. In the corner, the wardrobe is consumed by flames.) Emma: Are you okay? MMB: You saved me. Emma: Yeah, well... Where is she? MMB: Gone. Emma: So's our ride home. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming lights a candle and places it on a rock above Ruth's grave. Snow White tries to comfort him.) Snow White: I'm so sorry. She was all the family you had left. Prince Charming: No. I still have you. I love you, Snow. And together, we can start a new family. Here - this belonged to her. (He pulls out the pendant.) Prince Charming: She would've wanted you to have it. She said that it could tell you what your child will be. (He tries to put it above her hand, but she pulls back.) Snow White: Please, don't. Prince Charming: It's just a superstition. Snow White: There's something I need to tell you. Prince Charming: What is it? What's wrong? (They look down and notice that the pendant is swinging side to side/east to west.) Snow White: We're going to have a child... Prince Charming: What? Snow White: We're going to have a child. Prince Charming: Is there...something I need to know? Snow White: I mean someday. Prince Charming: Well, of course we are. What's it say it's going to be, huh? It's going to be a boy, right? I can never remember which direction means what. Snow White: It's a surprise. Prince Charming: I'll send a signal for the army to regroup. We are going to take back the kingdom, Snow. And we are going to do it as a family. (They kiss. Prince Charming exits. Snow White sees Lancelot standing off to the side and approaches him.) Snow White: This is because of you, isn't it? Ruth only pretended to drink the water. She had you put it in the wedding chalice so I would drink it. That's how King George's curse was broken, wasn't it? Lancelot: I have no idea what you're talking about. So, what's your child going to be? Snow White: A girl. -[Present Fairy Tale World]- (Mary Margaret, Emma, Mulan, and Aurora are still in the nursery at the castle.) MMB: Lancelot was one of the most noble knights I ever knew. Mulan: How could I be so blind? How could I not see that it was Cora? Emma: Let's be fair - the whole shape shifting thing threw me, too. Mulan: What are we going to tell the people on the island? MMB: The truth. That Lancelot was cut down by a terrible villain. He died an honourable death. Mulan: Cora's still out there. We need to find her. We need to defend what's left of the kingdom. Aurora: Who's going to lead us? You? Mulan: No. Her. (Mulan looks pointedly at Mary Margaret.) MMB: I'm honoured. But Emma and I still have to find a way back to Storybrooke. Mulan: We'll help you. We'll find a way, won't we? Aurora: Yes. Perhaps, it will help me channel my anger. Mulan: Come. (Mulan and Aurora exit.) Emma: I'm, uh, sorry I torched our ride home. I couldn't let her get to Henry. I just- MMB: You had to put Henry first. Emma: I was angry at you for so long... Wondering how you could choose to let me grow up without you. But then I just... Seeing all this... You gave up everything for me. And you're still doing that. I'm sorry, I'm not good at this. I... I guess I just... I'm not... I'm not used to someone putting me first. (Mary Margaret embraces Emma.) MMB: Well, get used to it. (Emma and Mary Margaret go to leave. Before leaving, Mary Margaret reflects on what 'could have been'. When they exit, Cora reappears. She approaches the burned wardrobe and takes a vial of the ashes.) -[Real World]- (Jefferson watches Paige and her classmates get off the bus. He hesitates, but decides to call out for her.) Jefferson: Grace. (Paige turns around and sees him. She runs towards him and hugs him.) Grace: Papa! You found me! I knew you would. [SCENE_BREAK] (On the main street, Henry is waiting in Emma's yellow bug. David knocks on the window with a bag in hand.) David: I've been thinking... If you're going to start helping me, we've got to make sure we do this right. So, I picked these up on my way home. (He motions to the bag, which contains two wooden swords.) Henry: Seriously? David: Yeah, you're the grandson of a prince. I think it's about time you learned how to use a sword. Henry, I can't get 'em back without you. So, what do you say? You with me? Henry: Can you teach me how to fight a dragon? David: We'll work our way up to it. (The two get out of the car and prepare to duel.) David: My liege. En garde! (David and Henry start to play fight on the sidewalk. Meanwhile, from a distance, Albert Speer watches them from his car.) -[End]-

Plan: A: Mulan, Aurora and brave knight Lancelot; Q: Who helps Emma and Mary Margaret? A: a portal; Q: What are Emma and Mary Margaret trying to find? A: Storybrooke; Q: Where are Emma and Mary Margaret trying to return to? A: a dark force; Q: What threatens their safe return? A: Henry; Q: Who tries to talk Jefferson into reuniting with his daughter? A: King George poisons Snow White; Q: What does King George do to Snow White? Summary: Emma and Mary Margaret, with the aid of Mulan, Aurora and brave knight Lancelot, attempt to find a portal that will bring them back to Storybrooke. But a dark force threatens their safe return. And Henry tries to talk Jefferson into reuniting with his daughter. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale land that was, on the eve of meeting Prince Charming's mother, King George poisons Snow White, and the only antidote lies within the waters of the Lady of the Lake.

At the car lot, Paige is pouring water on a car Paige: I christen thee... what's your new baby's name Spin? Craig: Sparky? Looks like a Sparky. Herbie? Thomas? Spinner: The Love Mobile. That's what this is, it's our love mobile. (He and Paige kiss.) Craig: And you're calling me a dork? Joey: Hey you don't own that quite yet. Spinner: $2700 for 386 miserable hours of waiting tables. Joey: Congratulations. (Joey hands Spinner the keys and he and Paige are shown driving around town.) Spinner: Wicked, wicked, wicked day. Okay tonight I am taking you to the drive-in. Load up the car with some blankets, some slow jams of love. (They kiss as a cop pulls up behind them.) Paige: Mm breath spray for you. Spinner: Holy crap on a stick. Paige: Oh my god I told you, you were speeding. Spinner: What do I do? (The cop knocks on his window and Spinner rolls it down.) Spinner: Uh nice day, huh officer? Police officer: Lovely. I'm looking for Paige Michalchuk at this address. Paige: Michalchuk. Um I'm Paige. (He hands her a letter.) Paige: Notice to appear? Police officer: You pressed charges in a sexual assault case in 2002. Paige: Wow. Um really, now? At the drive-in (Paige screams while watching the horror movie.) Paige: Ew! Cuddles please! (Paige and Marco cuddle together and scream at another scary part.) Marco: I hate zombie movies! Didn't I tell you?! Paige: Oh they're totally devouring that chick. Gross. Spinner: I can't even see. Paige: Okay well it's more than we shorties could see if we were stuck behind you, bebe. Spinner: Yeah, but it's my car. Paige: Ew. Okay enough with the creepy un-dead wrestlers. Who needs more corn? Marco: This movie sure doesn't. Spinner: Uh yeah I'll come with you. (He turns to Jimmy and Hazel who are making out.) Spinner: Uh you guys need anything? You know keep up your energy? More fluids? Guys? Huh? Paige: Oh I want to get more of those sour things too. Who cares about carbs? (As Spinner tries to kiss her something gross happens in the movie.) Paige: Ew! Wow um romantic... and since I'm as hungry as Paris Hilton looks. (Paige pulls Marco out from the car.) Paige: Come on. There is no way you're surviving the sludge eating fest on your own love. Marco: Did you see how those veins were dangling from those severed heads?! Paige: I was distracted by her huge silicone investments. (Spinner shakes his head and walks away.) Outside at Marco's van, unpacking Dylan's stuff Marco: It's the heaviest box in the world. Dylan: Don't make me laugh. I'll drop this on your toe! Come here. (Dylan takes Marco's hand and kisses him.) Marco: What was that for?! Dylan: For being so darn cute. For helping me move. For borrowing your dad's van. Paige: For telling your dad a fantastic lie about who needed to borrow it. Um all I know is that you owe us Dylan for making us do this on labor day, the official funeral of summer vacation. Dylan: Well consider me your living, breathing VIP pass to every dorm party this year. Marco: And the first one in oh, only 54 hours! Paige: Grade 11 with dorm parties. Having cake, eating cake too and uh won't you be the life of my all year party Mr. Pouty. Spinner: Yeah like you'd wanna party with me! Paige: Okay what's the problem? Spinner: You're my girlfriend. That's my problem. Paige: Spinner! Spinner: We're always with 3 thousand people and if we're not, you invite them. Paige: Um Dylan's moving and Marco's his boyfriend. They have to be here. Spinner: We're never alone, okay? You make me feel like some kind of leopard. Paige: Leper. The word is leper. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. It won't always be like this. Spinner: Really? Paige: It'll change. Once that stupid trial is finally over. I promise. Dylan: Lovebirds! I need someone to help me with my wardrobe and I need someone to go to Mrs. Vanelli's to get our pizza. Paige: I got the pizza. Marco: How many boxes are left? Dylan: Oh 25... (Paige is walking in the park holding a pizza box and she sees Dean with a few people showing off his car.) [Flashbacks to the night of the party with Paige and Dean in the bedroom] Dean: Hey! Paige: Don't. Dean: Wait Paige! I'm not stalking you. We're in a public park. There's people everywhere. Can we talk? Just one minute? (Paige keeps walking.) Dean: So court, huh? Paige: I'm not supposed to talk to you. Dean: It's gonna be really horrible going through it all. Your parents hearing the details. My girlfriend, your boyfriend. It was a really long time ago. I'm sorry. I should have listened. It was a huge mistake. If I could go back- Paige: Do you have a point? Dean: Why go through this? You could tell them you don't want to testify. Skip it. It'd be that easy. They'd have to drop the case. Paige: My brother's pizza...um it's getting cold. Dean: Okay. But you'll think about it right? I mean maybe we never see each other again and you can forget. At school (Spinner is getting out of his car, polishing it off and Emma, Toby and Liberty are walking together.) Emma: Chris and I broke up in July. Toby: Sorry. Kendra and I broke up in August. Liberty: Sorry. I believe I was abducted by aliens over Labor Day weekend. And Towerz and I broke up. Emma and Toby: Sorry. (They walk into the school as Paige walks by Ellie, Alex, Jay and Sean.) Paige: Morning Ellie! Ellie: Hey Paige. Great outfit! Paige: New year, new look, new Paige. Alex: Ellie, just because Princess Prissy talks to you doesn't mean you have to answer. Paige: I'm going, I'm going. Sean: As usual. Glad we're guys. (Sean and Jay do some hand shake thing) In the school, Manny and JT are walking in the halls Manny: Oh my god! They're so cute. Remember when we were that afraid of Degrassi? JT: Remember when we were that short? Danny: Do you know where the principal's office is? JT: Yeah it's downstairs, through the foyer and to the left. Danny: Good. Go on down. I need to spend time alone with your girlfriend. (JT pushes Danny away.) At Craig's Locker, it's all decorated for his birthday (Ashley accidentally bumps into Craig.) Craig: Ashley? Did you? (She walks away without saying anything.) Craig: Nice going Craig. Really uh, really really smooth. Marco: Oh hey happy birthday buddy! Craig: Wow! Uh you hit the mall lately? Marco: You think it was easy finding those streamers and musical notes? Craig: No, I meant your outfit. Marco: You like it? Craig: Yeah man and I love the locker, thanks. Marco: No problem! Craig: Man, are you dating anybody? I'm serious. At Spinner's locker Spinner: Think Paige will be mad if I put up a picture of Mandy Moore? Jimmy: I saw her. In L.A. when that scout who liked me took the whole camp to see a Lakers game. Are you listening? Spinner: Maybe Hilary Duff will be better. Jimmy: Why? Why would that be better? Spinner: She looks more like Paige. Paige: I'd rather look like Lindsay Lohan. Jimmy: Aren't you at court today? Paige: I always wanted an assistant to handle my calendar. Thanks Jim. But it was supposed to be tomorrow. Spinner: Wait, supposed?! Paige: Not going. Don't really see the point. Spinner: I do! Paige: K, then you can go! Spinner: You're really, you're not going?! Paige: Nope! Spinner: I can't do this anymore. Paige: Do what anymore?! Spinner: This. Us! Jimmy: What was that?! Paige: Did he just dump me? In the school parking lot Paige: Spinner! Gavin! Honeybee! Spinner: You said everything would be okay...after the trial. Paige: I don't need the trial. Look it was one night almost 3 years ago. I've moved on. You know I have! Look let's go park someplace tonight, okay. Just us. Spinner: I guess I'd set a pretty bad example if I turned that down. (Paige kisses him.) At Joey's house (They're watching a videotape of Caitlin that she sent for Craig's birthday.) Caitlin: Hey Craig! It's usually a big load of it when so-called grownups give you that "these are the best years of your life" stuff, but um my wish for you Craig is that these really are. So happy birthday! Signing off from Thailand. Swatika!(?) Angie: Now we eat Cake! Craig: Hey I am the birthday person here and I'm dying to open my big present Joey. Joey: Sorry Angie! Craig is right. Cake will have to wait. (Craig sticks out his arms for something big, then sees the envelope and opens it.) Joey: Happy Birthday! Craig: Holy! 10 grand?! Joey! I can't believe you did this! Joey: No Craig I uh didn't... Craig: Wait. This is from my dad's estate. Joey: He specified it as a birthday gift. I guess to tide you over until your 18th, when you get your full inheritance. Craig: Wow. Angie: Cake noooow?! Joey: You okay Craig? Craig: Hm? Yeah, no I'm fine. Parked outside, Paige and Spinner are in his car making out Paige: Is it okay? Spinner: Mm hmm. Get back here. Paige: Hey um where'd you get this song? Her voice sounds like.. Spinner: Shh. (He begins to kiss her again and she pulls away.) [Flashbacks to Dean's face] Spinner: What? Did I do it wrong? Paige: Sorry! (Spinner slowly reaches to touch Paige's breasts.) [More flashbacks to Dean] Paige: No! Stop! Spinner: What!? Paige: Stop! No! Spinner: Hey come on! Paige: I said no! Spinner: You're okay. Paige: I'm not. I'm not okay! Spinner: Paige... Paige: I have to do it. I have to go. Spinner: I'll go with you. In Mr. Armstrong's class (Craig is drawing music notes.) Ashley: Those are backwards. Craig: Thanks. Ashley: Listen I didn't mean to be all weird yesterday. Craig: No you weren't weird. You just ignored me, which I guess is sort of being weird, but not. Sorry, now I'm being weird. Ashley: Look I was hoping we could be friends, but as soon as I saw you... Craig: You got sucked into some bizarro last year time warp? Ashley: Yeah...so good birthday? Craig: Also weird. Ashley: Weird good? Craig: Well my freak of a dad left me this check for 10 grand in his will. Ashley: Are you serious? Craig: Yeah the guy is half eaten by worms and he's still trying to buy me. It's pathetic. Ashley: Hey your dad owes you. Maybe he was just trying to make it up a little. Craig: Well Joey gave me this lecture about investing it for my future blah, blah, blah, but I'm going to rip the check up. I don't want it. Ashley: Do you have any idea how much fun you could have with that much money? Mr. Armstrong: Alright grade 11. Time to start really preparing you for university math! Outside the courtroom Paige: Thanks for being here today mom. Mrs. Michalchuk: Honey, where else would I be? You're gonna do great in there! Paige: I just want this all to end. Mrs. Michalchuk: I know. And it will. Paige: When he goes to jail! Mrs. Michalchuk: Remember what we talked about in counseling Paige, about why we're doing this. So you can get some closure, feel heard. Spinner: Paige! Hey Paige. Hey Mrs. Michalchuk. Mrs. Michalchuk: Hello Gavin. (Dean gets out of his car.) Mrs. Michalchuk: Ignore him. He can't hurt you. Paige's Lawyer: Morning all. Rose could I just have a minute, please? Mrs. Michalchuk: You'll be okay? (Paige nods.) Spinner: I hate that guy. Paige: You should go home Spin. I don't want you hearing all this. Spinner: I know what happened. Paige: Not the details. When you hear them...picture it. It'll keep playing on the VCR in your head. Rewind, pause, play. Rewind, pause...you can't stop it. You'll dump me and I'll die alone with my 6 cats. Spinner: Paige, I'll never dump you. Paige: Hello, you did it yesterday. Spinner: Yeah, but that was a test. I can't dump a girl as cool as you and you just being here, doing this, is amazingly cool. Paige: Let's get this over with. In the courtroom Dean's Lawyer: Ms. Michalchuk, did you go upstairs willingly with my client? Did you not in fact suggest it? Paige: Yeah. Dean's Lawyer: Why'd you do that? Paige: I just thought... Dean's Lawyer: What. Play pinnacle? Crazy eights? Paige's Lawyer: Objection your honor. Judge: Please rephrase the question. Dean's Lawyer: What were your intentions Ms. Michalchuk in going up to that room? Paige: I just thought we would be alone together. Dean's lawyer: And you find my client attractive? Paige: Yes. I did. Before. Dean's lawyer: When my client put his hand inside your blouse, did you immediately reject him? Slap him? For the record please. Paige: No. Dean's lawyer: This is very difficult for you I know, but when my client touched your breast how did you respond? Did you enjoy it? Paige: No. Well at first yeah. Dean's lawyer: You're telling us that you did. Ms. Michaelchuk, did my client ever hold a gun to your head? A knife to your throat? A grenade? Paige: No. Dean's Lawyer: Did he not in fact wear a condom? Paige: Yeah, but that doesn't make him- Dean's Lawyer: You could show me how he managed to open one of these and roll it onto his pen1s without offering you a chance to get away, if you wanted to. Paige: I said no! He is bigger than me! Stronger...I was afraid. I'm not sure. Dean's Lawyer: Oh so you don't know! How many men have you had s*x with Miss Michaelchuk? Paige's Lawyer: Objection! Paige: Actually I'd like to answer that. That was my only experience and I certainly would not have chosen to lose my virginity upstairs at a house party with a guy I'd known for an hour. At a music store, Craig and Ashley are shopping together Ashley: 20 sets of handmades? Jack White doesn't go through that many strings in a year. Craig: Maybe he should. Ashley: How about this? Legendary Cry Baby WaWa. Craig: I thought I already made you cry enough last year? Wah wah wah. (Craig laughs at his joke and Ashley shakes her head.) Ashley: Craig. Craig: Sorry. That wow... that was really stupid. (Ashley looks at a guitar.) Ashley: How beautiful is this?! Craig: Is that a 62 Stratocaster? Salesperson: Uh 69! Master built American. Ashley: Sunburst finish. Classic. Salesperson: Rosewood Fret board. Ashley: 3 way switch with fazing. Salesperson: It's got all the original hardware. Craig: I feel like I'm in church. Salesperson: You think you could put that back now? It's worth over 4 grand! Craig: I'll take it. My dad would hate it! Ashley: Perfect. Craig: Yup. Back in the courtroom Bailiff: All rise! Paige: It's good that she's ready with the verdict already right? Paige's Lawyer: Sure. Yeah, sure it is. The Judge: Ms. Michalchuk's testimony was extremely compelling and I want to applaud her for having the courage and the strength for doing what she did here today. It's the kind of case that keeps me awake at night because it's not the kind a justice in my position wants to hear. Given that there are no eyewitnesses and no physical evidence I have no choice, but to find the defendant not guilty. Mr. Walton you are free to go. [SCENE_BREAK] In Paige's bedroom (Someone knocks on her bedroom door.) Paige: Just tell them to go mom. How hard is it? Marco: Uh was I supposed to hear that? Paige: Do you know I have zero style? I hate everything I own. Marco: So leave it. Come to Dylan's! Paige: Yeah, because everyone loves partying with a wretched, badly dressed, rape victim loser. Marco: Paige you're not a loser, okay? Besides we weren't even thinking that. Paige: K well I am, along with um: what's the point?! Why bother? Marco: Look I felt the exact same way when I got bashed. I just wanted to change my skin...just stop being. The fact that those guys never even got caught... Paige: Of course not. What a joke. Marco: Look grade 11's your year, remember? You can't let him control you. Paige: Marco I just lost my case 3 hours ago. Dean was found not guilty of raping me. Marco: I know... Paige I'm sorry, okay? Just- Paige: What?! You're just what Marco? (Marco stands up to leave.) Paige: I'll be down in a minute. Outside Dylan's Spinner: Hey um this afternoon... Paige: Didn't happen! Spinner: Honeybee I'm sorry. Paige: We're not talking about it, okay? Spinner: Well if you don't feel like partying. Paige: I didn't say that. Spinner: Or if you feel like leaving early... Paige: I didn't say that either! Spinner: Just let me know, I'll take you home. Paige: Do you want me to have a bad time? Hazel! I came to party, not stroll through the park okay! Marco: Come on Spin! Let's go make some soup! At the party (Spinner puts his arms around Paige and Paige breaks free. While she's walking away she bumps into some girl and pushes her into the wall.) Paige: What?! (Hazel is sitting on the floor with the girl Paige pushed.) Spinner: Paige? (Spinner is looking for Paige while she's off dancing and doing body shots with some random guy and then Spinner comes over to take her away.) Spinner: Hey! (He pushes the guy away) Paige: (laughing) Sorry he gets jealous. (Spinner grabs Paige and pushes her into a room.) Paige: I did make you jealous! Spinner: Okay. Put me in traction for asking whatever, but what the hell is going on with- (Paige tries taking off Spinner's shirt.) Paige: Wow you're so tough. Spinner: What are you doing?! Paige: What do you mean?! Spinner: Paige! Paige: What?! I'm easy! Everyone knows it. The judge, my mother, now you! Like Dean! Just get me alone, do whatever you want. No one will stop you. What? You don't want me? Spinner: Not right now, no. Paige: 'Cause Dean got there first? Spinner: You have to let that go! Paige: You want me to just let it go? Like someone was rude or stole my seat at lunch. Spinner: No that's not what I...! I just, I want my girlfriend back, okay? I want Paige back! Paige: You don't even know her. Spinner: That's stupid. Paige: The truth? Paige went upstairs that night. She never came back. You know what I would really like, if I never had to see your idiotic face again! Okay, how about that? (Spinner leaves and slams the door while Paige finds Spinner's keys on the bed and takes them.) At Joey's house, Craig and Ashley walk in Joey: Hey, hey guys. Keep it down. Angie is sleeping. Craig: Oh Joey, remember Ashley? The bad influence? Ashley: It was burning a hole in your pocket. I was trying to help! Craig: Well uh she MADE me do this! Ashley: Did not! (Craig opens the guitar case.) Joey: Is that a Fender Strat?! Craig: Yep! Exactly like Hendricks had! And it's all mine! Joey: Wow, what did this set you back? $400? What 6? 650? Craig: Uh 4 grand...It's the real thing. It's a piece of history. Joey: Enjoy it. (He walks away) In Joey's garage (Craig is playing his new guitar as Joey walks in.) Craig: Got a little ways to go until I sound like 4 grand. Joey: Little bit...Craig! Craig! I was thinking maybe you could help out with a little rent...the mortgage. Craig: My dad's estate gives you money. Joey: Yeah like 250 a month. That barely keeps you eating pizza. You go through shoes like no one I've ever seen. (Craig starts playing his guitar again.) Joey: Craig, Craig! I heat this garage for you...I mean with the price of hydro... Craig: Would you ask Angie this? Joey: For one thing she's seven, she eats like a bird, she didn't just buy herself a four thousand dollar guitar. Craig: And that's the only reason it's different? Joey: Of course! Craig: Yeah well I'm not so sure. Back at the party Jimmy: North Carolina scout is coming back down in December. He wants to see me play ball again. Hazel: Have you seen Paige? Spinner: No! I'm sure she's happy about that. Hazel: Spinner, I'm worried. Cuts to Paige outside another party Paige: Oh uh hi. I'm here to see Steve. Guy at door: Steve? Paige: Steve. The cute one. Second year. He totally invited me today in line at the bookstore and I was like sure I'll come by. Guy at door: Are you 19? Paige: 20, actually. Just short... (The guy lets her in and she sees Dean pouring drinks.) Paige: I have to talk to you! Dean: No you don't! Not now! Paige: I have something to say! Actually everyone should hear it! Dean: Not guilty! Nothing else to say! Paige: You have to listen to me! Do any of you here know what your buddy is? Do you know what he does? Dean: Shut up! Paige: He is a liar! Okay! A liar and a rapist! Dean: Ex-girlfriend you know! Outside NOW! Paige: Don't forget it. I was fifteen! Dean: I don't recommend you do that again. I am trying to get into that fraternity. Paige: This was my life. You raped me! Dean: Yeah! Paige: You admit it! Just like that? Dean: I figure I must have done something wrong if you keep punishing me. Paige: You didn't say that in court! Dean: I must have done something right too. You keep coming back like this. Paige: I'm not coming back. Dean: You can't blame me for wanting some more of this. Paige: Excuse me?! Dean: Listen sweetheart. Go home, call your sad little boyfriend. If you want to have fun sometime, call me. You were good! (Paige gets into Spinner's car and backs it up into Dean's car as Spinner walks around the corner and sees everything.) Spinner: Paige! Spinner: Stop it! Stop! Paige: Spinner! Spinner: Get out! Paige: Spinner, relax! Spinner: Go home! Just get in the cab and go home! GO! (A montage starts with Paige getting into a car. Joey sitting at home looking worried. Craig calling Sean then showing up at his house. Joey trying to call someone. Paige at home looking in the mirror. Spinner walking outside and looking at his car that's totally smashed on the back. Paige lying in bed smiling.) In the school counseling office Ms. Sauve: (On the phone) Hi Paige. Chantalle Sauve. We had an 8:45. (Paige walks in.) Paige: Whoops. Ms. Sauve: Don't worry. Have a seat. Well this isn't the Paige I expected to see this morning! Paige: I've got multiple personalities. That explains a lot. Ms. Sauve: You know what I mean. I want to congratulate you on yesterday. I know things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to, but the outcomes going to be good for you in the future because you did the right thing, the only thing by going to court. The justice system isn't perfect but I watched it help you to find your voice again and to heal. You've triumphed over your rapist morally because you've been honest. Paige: Sure. Thanks. In a classroom Paige: You okay? Spinner: Hope it felt good. Paige: A little. How's the uh Love Mobile? I'll get a job, okay? I'll give you the money to fix it. Whatever it takes. Ms. Hatzilakos: Gavin you're wanted outside. (Outside the cops are taking evidence from his car as Spinner is crying while being taken away by the cops.) In the computer lab Ashley: You know you guys should try going a little more post-Emo. Still punk, but less mopey. Craig: I don't think the other guys even know what regular emo is. Spinner probably thinks it's a muppet. Mr. Simpson: Ooh fries and gravy! Good on a plate, not so good on a keyboard. Craig: I'll be careful. No worries. Mr. Simpson: You wanna tell your dad that? The uh no worries part. Called me last night and this morning. Craig: Oh yeah? I don't have a dad, remember? Ashley: See you in class Craig. Craig: Yeah bye. Mr. Simpson: It'll break Joey's little heart to hear you talk like that. Craig: He'd probably make me pay for it, because apparently I'm the bank of Craig. Mr. Simpson: Joey stepped up when no one else was going to. That takes a lot. A lot of guts and a lot of commitment. What you owe him is a little more respect than you're showing him right now! (He snatches the food out of Craig's hand) In Paige's Bedroom (Paige's phone starts to ring.) Paige: Hello? Spinner: Paige. Paige: Where are you? Spinner: Cop shop 55. Paige: You didn't make me your one phone call Spin. Spinner: Failure to remain at the scene of an accident, mischief and dangerous driving. I'm scared. Paige: You didn't do anything! Spinner: Dean called the police with my license plate number. I told them I did it. Paige: No- Spinner: You've been through enough, okay? I saw you go through enough. You're safe. I just wanted to tell you. Cop: Time's up. Your mother's here. Spinner: Bye Paige. At Joey's House (Craig opens the front door and Joey's standing there inside.) Joey: Craig where have you been? Craig: I'm just getting my guitar and some clothes. I won't eat any of your food. Joey: Craig! Craig! Craig: What? Joey: I might lose my business. Craig: What?! Joey: I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to worry. Craig: Well you should have said something! Joey: I'm trying to be the dad here...and instead like an idiot I hit you up for cash! Craig: So you ask me the stupid rent thing instead... Joey: I know. My line of credit is shot. My bills, they're huge! Craig: Look I'll give you the money Joey. I'll take my guitar back and you can have it all. Joey: No. I can't do that. Craig: Well you have to let me do something. Joey: I know you want to be a big rock star someday, but if you needed it, I'd like the dealership to be there for you. Outside the police station Dean: Your boyfriend is dead! Paige: I did it. Dean: You wrecked my car? You're gonna go down for that. I'll prove it was you. Paige: Sorry to uh take away your fun, but I'm about to confess. That's what good people do when they realize they've done something wrong. Dean: That frat didn't let me in because of you and what you said. (Paige starts to walk away.) Dean: Hey! I'm not finished. Paige: Well I'm very finished with all of this, okay? But especially with you! It's over Dean. I've got something to do. Something more important. (Paige walks into the police station, up to the counter.) Paige: Hi, um I'm here about something that happened last night. At Joey's car lot Joey: Now this is a gorgeous car! You really should take it for a test drive. Customer: I don't think so. Joey: Oh what could it hurt! Craig: Cute car! You would look great in it! Customer: I'll go get my bag. Joey: You are a bargain at three times the salary! Craig: Hey three times free is still free! Outside Spinner's house, he's trying to fix his car Paige: Hi. Spinner: What happened? Paige: Well I lost my license, which was exciting and I'm probably stuck with a year of community service. Spinner: Teaching anger management? Paige: I think I'd be good at that. I also thought I might embroider 'On Probation' on all my clothes...give myself that bad girl edge. Spinner: So you came by to make jokes? Paige: I came to say that...I don't know what else to say. I wish I'd never hurt your car...or you. Spinner: Okay. Paige: And I meant it when I said I'd pay! Would you like to go out with me? Triple feature at the drive-in this weekend. Sour candies on me? Spinner: If I get the car in decent shape by then. Paige: Wrench? Scenes for next week: Voiceover: Marco has his eyes on the prize. Marco: Marco for president. Come out and vote! Voiceover: But he better watch his back Mr. Simpson: Hey Marco, hope you're ready for a horse race! She's got a lot of kids talking already. Voiceover: Cause this looks like trouble. Marco: Nobody's gonna vote for you okay? Nobody! Alex: Not yet! Marco: Not ever! Alex: We'll see.

Plan: A: the new school year; Q: What is on the horizon? A: Paige; Q: Who receives a summons to testify against Dean? A: two years; Q: How long did it take for the rape case to come to trial? A: the legal system; Q: What is not perfect? A: all charges; Q: What was Dean acquitted of? A: a destructive revenge; Q: What does Paige seek against Dean? A: Spinner; Q: Who could Paige's revenge affect? A: Craig; Q: Who celebrates his 16th birthday? A: his father's will; Q: What did Craig receive $10,000 from? A: an extravagant guitar; Q: What does Craig spend his birthday money on? A: Joey's disapproval; Q: What is Joey's reaction to Craig's purchase? Summary: With the new school year on the horizon, Paige receives a summons to testify against Dean when the rape case finally comes to trial after two years. She soon learns that the legal system is not perfect when Dean is unfortunately acquitted of all charges. Angered by the outcome, she seeks a destructive revenge against him which could also affect Spinner. Meanwhile, Craig celebrates his 16th birthday, receives $10,000 from his father's will, and spends it on an extravagant guitar, much to Joey's disapproval.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Veronica approaches Weevil in the Neptune car park as he gets out of his new car in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." VERONICA: Where did you hide the cashbox? WEEVIL: The two places you looked for it. In a flashback, Weevil stuffs the cashbox in Ophelia's backpack, and then writes "Nancy" on a bill. WEEVIL: I had to go back later and, uh, add the incriminating fifty dollar bill. Cut to the preppy girl in criminology class when Veronica brought Weevil in as her class project in 305 "President Evil." JENNY: Do you think you can ever really leave gang life behind? WEEVIL: Yeah, I miss it. I miss having cash in my pocket. Cut to Dick confronting his father in 318 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer." DICK: The world doesn't stop because you decided to show up. I can barely live with myself sometimes, and it's so much easier when you're not around! Veronica and Piz kiss as the lift doors open to reveal Logan. The moment is awkward in 317 "Debasement Tapes." INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Music: "Lazy Girls" by Jill Cunniff. LYRICS: Here's a song for lazy girls and laid-back boys Who never quite outgrew their toys Maybe they told you You got to go get 'em But you'd rather lay low and watch the river run Hey, lazy girls and laid-back boys You got it right, life's to enjoy (Eating orange popsicles) Float down the road, blowing kisses Keep laughing through the hits and misses, yeah... A blond girl is arguing with the cashier at the top of a long queue in the Food Hall. In the queue, someway back, Veronica and Mac wait. They've already started nibbling at the frozen yoghurt for which they are waiting to pay. MAC: Take a look around. It's dead week. Everyone's walking around half-crazy. VERONICA: Yeah? Well, I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. Dissatisfied with Mac's lack of response, Veronica repeats herself with emphasis. VERONICA: The FBI. MAC: At the very least, Piz should think it's hot. VERONICA: Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune. MAC: He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger. Veronica acknowledges her unreasonableness. VERONICA: And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. She grimaces. VERONICA: I'm a girl. Mac giggles. She then looks towards the front of the queue with impatience. MAC: Have we moved in the last five minutes? Veronica throws back her head. VERONICA: Uh, backwards, I think. Mac sighs deeply. MAC: Have you considered letting Piz know you're bummed about the prospect of being apart from him this summer? VERONICA: Simple, direct, honest? Mac, that's almost crazy enough to work! MAC: Just sharing my vast relationship wisdom. They both turn the attention to the front of the queue where the blonde girl, Abigail, has started to shout. ABIGAIL: Just give me back my damn card! The cashier, Jalisa, keeps hold of the card. JALISA: No. She looks past Abigail and shouts out. JALISA: She's right here. Abigail turns to look and her eyes widen. She takes off. JALISA: The one with her mouth open. Two of the Hearst College security guides race past her, chasing after Abigail. CAMPUS SECURITY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! They grab Abigail and march her away. Veronica and Mac watch curiously. MAC: What's with the food police? VERONICA: She has the right to remain famished. Veronica snorts and giggles at her own joke while Mac rolls her eyes before joining her in laughter. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE - DAY. Weevil is standing at the desk of a dour individual, using one of the chairs in front of the desk for support. The man, Russell Marchant of Human Resources according to his desk plate, does not look up from his papers. Weevil is leaning more and more heavily onto the chair and rubbing his leg. He casts a look around the office, his eyes lighting on a homily on the wall in the form of a picture of an eagle and the words, "All serious daring starts from within." Marchant senses the focus of Weevil's attention. MARCHANT: Stowe. WEEVIL: What? Marchant points to the wall off-handedly, still without looking up. MARCHANT: It's Harriet Beecher Stowe. WEEVIL: Ohhh, excuse me, can I sit down? My knee's killing me, man. MARCHANT: [with scepticism] Oh, right. Your knee. Marchant points to one of the chairs disdainfully and Weevil sits down. MARCHANT: When did you say you injured it, Mr. Navarro? WEEVIL: Uh, last Wednesday. MARCHANT: And you did this on the job? I only ask because a lot of you, uh, maintenance fellows like to play basketball over lunch break. WEEVIL: That's why I didn't file for sportsman's comp, see, 'cause I-I-I hurt my knee moving a busted washing machine across the campus. MARCHANT: Hmm. Says here you spent a little time in prison last year. WEEVIL: So did Martha Stewart. Now, does that mean I don't get my benefits? MARCHANT: No, it just means...how shall I put this? A lot of people look at a thriving private institution like Hearst and they see, well, they see deep pockets. WEEVIL: I'm not trying to con you, man- He closes the file and throws it into one of the file trays on his desk. MARCHANT: But you can appreciate why we have to be so thorough in these matters. Weevil gets up and starts limping out of the office. MARCHANT: [dismissively] I will pass your claim along to the review board, and you can expect a decision in the next month or so. Weevil turns back to face Marchant in disbelief. WEEVIL: A month? What am I supposed to do until then - hop around on one leg? MARCHANT: Just...do your best. Weevil shakes his head. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Veronica is lying on her stomach on Wallace's bed, her feet in the air and her elbows propping up her upper body as she studies. Piz is sitting on his bed, legs crossed, doing the same. Veronica looks over at him. She thinks for a moment, then grabs her cell phone. She punches in a number. Piz's cell rings. She watches as he checks the caller ID and sees that it is Veronica. He stares at her with a look part irritated/part confused. VERONICA: Answer it. With a sigh, Piz climbs over his books and sits at the end of his bed. He answers the call. PIZ: Hello? VERONICA: Hey. PIZ: What are you doing? VERONICA: I'm calling you from FBI headquarters in Virginia because I miss you. And I'm very sweet. PIZ: [a little sceptical] You miss me, huh? VERONICA: I do. Veronica frowns suddenly VERONICA: [sharply] Who's that? Piz looks around, very confused. PIZ: What? Veronica gets up onto her knees. VERONICA: [indignantly] Do you have a girl in your room? Piz chuckles and gazes on her indulgently. Music: "Inside Your Head" by Eberg. LYRICS: Ding dong the clock is wrong Dong ding Tick tock stubborn clock Tock tick Inside your head Inside your head Still water sparkles here The calm drifts away in here Cuddle cravings addiction brings Place your coat on six strings Inside your head Inside your head I wouldn't want to be inside your head..... Veronica sighs. VERONICA: This long-distance thing is hard. I mean, this internship is the opportunity of a lifetime, and I couldn't be enjoying it more, but...I so wish I could be with you right now. Veronica steps off the bed and hangs up the phone, setting it down on Wallace's desk. She leans against the wall by Piz's bed. VERONICA: Well, how about that? It's like I never left. PIZ: Yeah, those twelve weeks just flew by. VERONICA: No, they didn't. They took for-ev-er. All those weeks of thinking about you, and... She climbs onto his lap. VERONICA: And missing you...and all those pent-up feelings. What am I ever gonna do with all of them? PIZ: I-I have a couple...million suggestions... VERONICA: Hmm. PIZ: If you like- She silences him with a kiss, pushing him back to a prone position. She lifts her head and stares down at him. VERONICA: Mmm. So, what are these suggestions? PIZ: Oh, you know, you don't need them. Piz raises his head to catch her lips again, but Veronica pulls back a little. VERONICA: Does it involve me...doing a sort of dance-squad-like routine? Perhaps...a cheer? Veronica sits up and claps her hands, then does a pep squad-like bit of semaphore. Piz props himself up on his elbows. PIZ: Actually, it does. VERONICA: I was kidding. PIZ: Then no. Veronica displays her thoughtful face then leans over him again. She whispers. VERONICA: Did it involve me being naked? PIZ: It did. They start kissing again, hotter and heavier. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Keith is at his desk. KEITH: If I'm understanding you correctly, a student ID card is basically like money. One of the Hearst College cops is sitting opposite him. WAZOWSKI: Exactly. Kids can buy stuff anywhere on campus the cafeteria, the bookstore, you name it. Keith gets increasingly excited as he gets up and walks around to the front of the desk and sits on its edge. KEITH: So if they're using fake student IDs, they're using fake money, which makes this fraud. WAZOWSKI: Right. KEITH: And if these students you've apprehended made the fake IDs themselves, conspiracy to commit. So, you want me to bring them in? WAZOWSKI: The students have already been dealt with. They've been placed on probation, and the families have agreed to repay the stolen funds. Keith shakes his head. KEITH: That sounds...lenient. WAZOWSKI: There's no dungeon in the ivory tower. Officer Wazowski picks up a file and hands it to Keith. WAZOWSKI: Both kids claim they bought the IDs from this man. He's not a Hearst student, and the Hearst police ain't in the business of prosecuting felons. KEITH: I'll take care of it. Cut to later. As Keith watches, Abigail studies what is in front of her. ABIGAIL: Number four. KEITH: You sure? ABIGAIL: I'm sure. A deputy opens the door (on which is the sign "No weapons beyond this point") to let Abigail out. Sitting outside is another student. Abigail walks out and the deputy beckons the other student with his hand. DEPUTY: All right. Come on. He gets up for the chair and starts in, a little hesitant. KEITH: Step right in here, son. Take your time. He studies the same scene that Abigail did. HONUS: Number four. KEITH: You'll testify to that fact? HONUS: Yeah. That's definitely him. The camera switches to their view. It's a line-up beyond a glass window. Number four is Weevil. As the rest of the line-up files past him, Weevil stares at the window with a mocking smile. Keith stares back, the disappointment clear on his face. Opening credits. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Keith and Weevil are in one of the interrogation rooms, sitting across from each other at the table. KEITH: I wish you weren't sitting across from me right now, Eli. WEEVIL: I shouldn't be, Sheriff. KEITH: Two Dean's-list college students picked you out of a line-up. Your being an ex-con isn't gonna help things. WEEVIL: Do I get a phone call? Keith slides the phone on the table closer to Weevil. Weevil picks up the receiver and clears his throat. WEEVIL: Uh, what's Veronica's number? Keith stares at him balefully. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Veronica carries some papers from the outer office into Keith's office. She puts them down on his desk and presses the button to check the answer machine as she checks some post. Weevil's voice emits from the machine. WEEVIL: [on answer machine] Veronica, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Where you at? I tried you on your cell, but maybe you got it turned off or something. As the tape on the machine winds on, Veronica starts to listen in earnest. WEEVIL: [on answer machine] Uh...hey, lucky for me, your dad's a cool guy, 'cause he gave me another chance at this. Anyway, uh...reason I'm calling is- There's a beep as the message comes to an abrupt end. Another beep signals the start of a new message. This time, Weevil's words are rushed and to the point as he makes full use of the third call Keith has allowed him. WEEVIL: [on answer machine] I need a bail bondsman and a private investigator, and you need a twenty-first century answering machine! The receiver crashes down firmly and a beep indicates the end of the message. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. One of the deputies lets Veronica into the room containing the cell where Weevil is sitting dolefully on the bottom bunk. As soon as he sees her, he gets up and limps towards the bars. WEEVIL: Hey! VERONICA: Weevil, you're wobbling. Veronica stops at the table and sits on it as Weevil reaches the bars. WEEVIL: Yeah, and I'm gonna take the fall...unless you can help me. I've already lost my job 'cause of this. VERONICA: Dad says it's a fraud case? WEEVIL: Exactly, and you know how I feel about white-collar crime. They're saying I busted into the bursar's office and made a couple fake ID cards and stuck a bunch of cash on them. VERONICA: And you're saying? WEEVIL: Damn, Veronica, I don't even know what a bursar is. VERONICA: You know that office where you pick up your pay check? It says "bursar" on it? That's the bursar. Weevil shakes his head. VERONICA: Who says it was you? WEEVIL: A couple college kids pulled me out of a line-up. VERONICA: Why do you think they're fingering you? WEEVIL: 'Cause I'm easy, easy like Sunday morning. The pain in his knee forces Weevil to adjust his position. WEEVIL: Ex-con and all. VERONICA: Except they'd have to know you were an ex-con. [teasingly] Have you been going around campus sharing the story of your personal journey? WEEVIL: Only in your criminology class when you asked me to. Veronica's eyes widen and she looks momentarily guilty. VERONICA: Oh, yeah, right. She slips off the desk. VERONICA: Whoops. She giggles in embarrassment. Weevil glares at her, not seeing the humour in it. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ADMINISTRATION - DAY. A desk plate proclaims the occupant to be Karin Mackay, Bursar. Karin works at one end of an open-plan area. She looks up from her work as Veronica approaches her desk. KARIN: Pell applications are on the right. Change of address cards are over on the- Veronica shakes her head. VERONICA: Actually, I'm a private investigator. Veronica holds out her badge proudly. VERONICA: I'm working for Eli Navarro. I'd like to ask you some questions about IDs. Karin does a double-take as Veronica puts her credentials back in her bag. KARIN: I'm sorry. You're a what? VERONICA: I'm a private investigator. KARIN: [incredulous] How old are you? VERONICA: I'm nineteen. Karin nods slowly, still not quite believing it. VERONICA: So, can you tell me how student IDs work? KARIN: Oh, well, exactly like debit cards. Veronica sinks into the chair in front of Karin's desk. KARIN: Each term, students can add money to their account that can be drawn upon by any campus vendor. I collect the cash and infuse the cards with their new limit. VERONICA: And you've got the only machine on campus that can program the cards? KARIN: Yeah. Karin puts her hand on a small metal box on her desk. KARIN: The company who makes them, Magneta-corp, only leases the machines to institutions like colleges. If it breaks down or needs to be serviced, we have to send it all the way back to Marietta, Georgia, to get it reprogrammed. Veronica lines up her cell phone to take a picture of the box as Karin is joined by Russell Marchant. MARCHANT: Uh, thanks for holding my cheque, Karin. KARIN: Oh, no problem, Russ. As Karin looks for Marchant's cheque, she continues to address Veronica. KARIN: For what it's worth, I happen to know your client, Mr. Navarro, has access to my office. On hearing Weevil's name, Marchant stares at Veronica. KARIN: He let me in once when I locked myself out. Karin hands Marchant an envelope with a smile. MARCHANT: Thanks. Marchant takes it then returns his attention to Veronica. MARCHANT: You're working for Eli Navarro. VERONICA: You know him? MARCHANT: Yeah, he tried to feed me a bogus workman's comp claim. I'd say that your client could use further rehabilitation. Marchant takes some pleasure in disabusing Veronica about Weevil. He looks back down at Karin and gestures with the envelope. MARCHANT: Thanks. He walks away. VERONICA: Thanks for your time...Miss... She glances down at the name plate to get the name as she rises, but thinks of something else instead. VERONICA: Oh, one more thing how did you know that the fakes were fakes? KARIN: We didn't. One of our food-court workers noticed a number of suspicious names on student IDs. She started a watch list, eventually handed it over. VERONICA: Sounds like my kind of girl. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. It's a quiet moment for one of the cashiers who is taking the opportunity to read a thick book at her post. VERONICA: Jalisa Jones? Jalisa doesn't look up. JALISA: That's me. VERONICA: You're the one who discovered the fake IDs, right? That gets her attention and Jalisa looks up at Veronica and puts down the book. VERONICA: Hearst College must have been grateful. JALISA: [sarcastically] They offered to put a statue of me in the middle of the quad. In a slight editing faux pas, Jalisa is shown in reverse still holding the book, which she puts down again. VERONICA: So, what made you think that the names on the cards were aliases? With a smirk, Jalisa accesses the cash tray of the till. She pulls out a sheet of paper from under it. She shuts the till and hands the paper to Veronica. VERONICA: [reading] "Niels Bohr, Sylvia Plath, Leonardo Fibonacci, Honus Wagner"? JALISA: Just because I didn't go to a school with a water polo team doesn't mean I don't know who Fibonacci is. VERONICA: Who wouldn't know? Veronica's expression shows that she doesn't have a clue. Jalisa smiles. JALISA: Greatest European mathematician of the middle ages. VERONICA: Yeah, of course. Ah, do me a favour give me a call if any of the other names pop up. Veronica holds out one of her cards which Jalisa takes. JALISA: Sure, but after Sylvia Plath and Honus Wagner got busted, the others stopped coming. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Veronica is at the help desk, typing at the keyboard. Behind her, Abigail arrives and heads for the desk. ABIGAIL: I just got an email saying I got a fifty dollar fine for a lost book I've never even heard of. VERONICA: Name? ABIGAIL: Abigail Montgomery. Veronica, poised to type, pulls her hands back from the keyboard. VERONICA: Oh, uh, you're cool. No fine. ABIGAIL: What? VERONICA: I'm a private investigator. I've been hired by Eli Navarro to find out who's making the fake IDs. Abigail laughs nervously. ABIGAIL: Is this a joke? Veronica smiles and reaches into her back pocket, pulling out her PI badge. She opens it and holds it out to Abigail. VERONICA: I'm bona fide. ABIGAIL: So, what, you're working undercover at the help desk or something? VERONICA: More moonlighting. Tell me how you met my client. ABIGAIL: Last Thursday, I went to pay for my lunch, and the teller told me I was out of money. I was standing there with my burrito and fruit cup, totally humiliated. Later that afternoon, this guy comes up to me and offers to sell me a thousand dollar card for a hundred bucks. VERONICA: And so you paid him? ABIGAIL: Yeah. He asked for a fake name and told me to meet him the next day in the basement of the history building at one o'clock. I showed up. He handed me the card. You know, I didn't want to do something dishonest. It's not like I can stop eating. And believe me, I hated turning in that janitor guy. I'm sure he's got kids to feed or something. Veronica nods, appearing sympathetic to her ordeal. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. Wallace is walking down the corridor, studying a paper in his hand. Another guy is following close behind him. Wallace screws up the paper and throws it into a rubbish bin he passes. Wallace walks forward to a water fountain and takes a drink, as he rises, he looks back. The guy following him has paused at the notice board by the rubbish bin and as soon as he sees Wallace looking at him, quickly turns his attention to the notice board. Wallace frowns and turns, walking towards the door of one of the classrooms. He pauses at the door and glances back. The guy has moved to the rubbish bin. He reaches in and takes the crumpled paper Wallace discarded. Wallace frowns even more deeply before disappearing into the room. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Back at the library, the second student to identify Weevil, the one who used the false name Honus Wagner, heads for Veronica at the help desk. HONUS: Excuse me, who do I talk to about library fines? I got an email. Veronica does an "Ah, shucks" wave. VERONICA: Let's forget about the fine. She slides her work on the desk to the side and leans in a little closer. VERONICA: I just need to ask you a few questions. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Weevil is leaning on the bars, disconsolate. He looks up as a deputy lets Veronica into the room containing the cell. WEEVIL: Hey. So, what'd you learn? VERONICA: I learned you're in a battle with Hearst over workman's comp. WEEVIL: Yeah. They were giving me the run-around, and now that I've been fired, they're refusing to pay altogether. VERONICA: Any chance you decided to get even by taking what they owed you? WEEVIL: No. VERONICA: Both witnesses, the bright-eyed, freshly scrubbed types juries love, claim you met them at one in the basement of the history building. WEEVIL: One? That's my lunch break. Veronica holds up a pair of crossed fingers. VERONICA: Which you spend daily with your co-workers, all of whom will eagerly vouch for you? WEEVIL: Which I usually spend in my car, napping. Veronica drops her hands in disappointment. Keith enters the room. WEEVIL: Sheriff! My bail come through? KEITH: Yep. You're free to go. Keith opens the cell door. WEEVIL: Excellent. KEITH: But I'm afraid I've got some bad news. That machine in the bursar's office? Campus cops just found an identical one in the empty locker next to yours. Veronica's head sags to the side with a sigh. Weevil can't believe it. KEITH: Talk to your public defender, Eli. The best deal you're gonna get is the one they're offering now. All three stare at each other unhappily. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - DAY. Various students do various things in a large workshop. Wallace is putting final touches on a large model plane. Veronica, sitting at the table with him, observes. VERONICA: This is your end-of-term project? I should have been an aerospace major. WALLACE: A one thirty-second model of an amphibious regional turboprop. I call it the Sea Monkey. VERONICA: Which would make more sense if monkeys were amphibious...or could fly. WALLACE: Trust me. It makes perfect sense when you're running on about fifteen minutes' sleep in the last week. VERONICA: And here Piz thought you were spending all your time with a secret girlfriend. WALLACE: Only love life I have is some dude who's always following me around. VERONICA: What, like you're being cruised? WALLACE: Yeah. Remind me which colour bandana I'm supposed to wear that says I'm straight...but flattered and non-judgemental. VERONICA: No idea who the guy is? WALLACE: None. But I saw him take some of my old homework out of the trash. Veronica laughs at the absurdity. VERONICA: Well, if he's a souvenir-taker, it's easy. Just leave some tantalizing bait... She gives him an appraising leer. VERONICA: I'd suggest your cut-off jean short-shorts Wallace scoffs. VERONICA: And double back and watch him. And, uh- Wallace is saved further friendly humiliation by the sight of Professor Winkler walking through the workshop. WALLACE: Here's Dr. Winkler. You ready? They get up from the table. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING, DR. WINKLER'S OFFICE - DAY. Professor Winkler is at his desk. Behind him are a couple of whiteboards with equations and drawings filling them. DR. WINKLER: Magnetic stripe coercivity? It's a fancy way of saying how hard it is to copy a bank or a debit card. A Hearst student ID is quite simple, actually... Veronica and Wallace are sitting on the other side of the desk, listening intently. DR. WINKLER: Provided you work at the CIA and have access to a supercomputer. You know how digital codes work? VERONICA: A bunch of ones and zeroes and stuff? DR. WINKLER: A student ID takes your name, ID number, balance, whatever and stores it on a magnetic strip. But they also insert an encrypted signature that prohibits someone from making a counterfeit or making changes to the card. VERONICA: How super does a computer have to be to crack an encrypted card? DR. WINKLER: There's one in the physics lab. Of course, they won't let you touch it unless you have a PHD. We lowly mechanical engineers had to build our own, Daisy. VERONICA: So, what are the odds on a maintenance worker with a GED getting time on Daisy? DR. WINKLER: Wouldn't matter. Someone would still have to write the software and wait for it to run. VERONICA: Even if someone had the machine that made the original IDs? DR. WINKLER: That would simplify things. Maybe you should talk to Leon, one of my grad students. Guy just got a paper published on cryptography. VERONICA: Where might I find this Leon? DR. WINKLER: Here, just not while the sun's up. Leon's part vampire. Veronica looks at him quizzically. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica and Piz are lying together on the couch. VERONICA: What's the big deal? PIZ: I didn't say it was a big deal. VERONICA: Then ask him. I suspect your radio career will put you across the mike from bigger fish than small-town sheriffs. PIZ: I'm not intimidated about asking the local sheriff to be on my show, okay? I'm intimidated about asking the father of the girl, whose body - is as much as it kills me to quote John Mayer - a wonderland. All right? Veronica grins and kisses him. They get more and more into it until startled by the door opening. They scramble to separate. Keith walks in and sees the tail end of their athleticism. He sighs and slams shut the door. VERONICA: What happened to the courtesy knock? KEITH: What happened to whalebone corsets and courting chaperones? Keith drops the large bag he is carrying onto the kitchen counter table and starts to open it. KEITH: Who wants falafel? Veronica looks at Piz and nods towards her father, egging him on. With some trepidation, Piz climbs off the sofa and walks to the counter. PIZ: Uh, Mr. Mars, I was wondering could you come down to Hearst tomorrow? I'd like to meet you on my show. I'm doing an election special. Hearst's four thousand votes could go a long way to determining the election. KEITH: I don't know, Stosh. My schedule's pretty tight. PIZ: It's just...I mean, I wouldn't want Vinnie Van Lowe getting all the airtime without giving you a chance to rebut, you know. Veronica walks up to stand by Piz's side as Keith busies himself in the kitchen. KEITH: What time is the show? PIZ: Bright and early eight o'clock. KEITH: Fine. If you think Vinnie is willing to miss his morning cartoons, I'll be there. VERONICA: As long as you're in a munificent mood, how about buying the office a new answering machine? PIZ: Munificent? KEITH: What's wrong with the old one? VERONICA: The Yoders have one just like it. KEITH: Who are the Yoders? VERONICA: The Amish family in 3B. Keith sighs deeply. KEITH: You may have gone digital, but I remain firmly analogue. VERONICA: No, I'm digital. You remain firmly cheap. He sighs again. KEITH: My day was fine. How was yours, Veronica? VERONICA: Uh, proved Weevil didn't do it. Veronica starts picking at the food on the table between them. Keith follows her example. KEITH: Honey, I don't think you can let Eli off the hook. VERONICA: I talked to a mechanical engineering prof. He said it would be impossible for Weevil to program the machine you found in his- Veronica notices Keith shaking his head sadly. VERONICA: What? KEITH: We dusted the box. It's covered with Eli's prints. Only Eli's. Veronica sags. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - NIGHT. The workroom is dark, but there are a few lights in one of the side rooms where Veronica is questioning the night own, Leon. LEON: You want to know if someone could make a counterfeit Hearst student ID? VERONICA: Yeah. Dr. Winkler says you're the real expert here at Hearst. LEON: Dr. Winkler said that? Veronica nods. LEON: Wow. Leon preens. VERONICA: So... LEON: Possibly, but that someone would need an awful lot of smarts. Here. Umm... He pushes back from the desk and his chair rolls to the filing cabinet next to it. He opens one of the drawers. LEON: You're more than welcome to look in my- He flicks through the files. LEON: What the hell? VERONICA: What is it? LEON: All my research materials, they're gone. Someone stole them. Veronica stares at him. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - DAY. Piz is on air. Keith, looking very stiff, is on his left and Vinnie, relaxed and grinning, is on his right. In the Food Court, a female student is watching while a table full of guys is listening but paying little attention. PIZ: We're back, and we've got sheriff candidates Keith Mars and Vinnie Van Lowe in studio telling us why they deserve to be your chief lawman. So, as you might not be surprised to hear, a big issue with Hearst students is the crackdown on underage drinking in off-campus bars. VINNIE: That's his thing don't look at me. KEITH: The legal drinking age is twenty-one for a reason. I plan to continue enforcing it. VINNIE: Know what laws I plan to enforce? The important ones, like murder and terrorism. These aren't just the subjects of our favourite movies and TV shows. These are the things that threaten us here and now in Neptune, okay? Once those things are taken care of, maybe I'll have time to drop in on campus-area bars...for a cold one. The guys at the table cheer and high-five each other. Vinnie watches them and smirks. Keith looks balefully at Piz who squirms uncomfortably. PIZ: Uh, line one, you have a question for either of our candidates? CALLER: [on phone] For Sheriff Mars, this one's a two-parter. KEITH: Shoot. CALLER: [on phone] First, why do you suck? And the second part, what's it like to suck so hard? As Vinnie enjoys himself, Keith looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Wallace is set one in one corner of the library, taking notes off the screen of his keyboard. The guy who was following his is at another nearby table. Wallace pushes back from the table for a break and rolls his eyes on seeing him. He sighs, drops his pencil on his books and gets up. Sighing loudly, he leaves the library. As soon as he's gone, the guy gets up and walks over to the desk where Wallace was working. Unseen by the guy, Wallace re-enters the library from another door, near the table where the guy was working. Wallace notes that the guy is engrossed and checks out the table in front of him. He flicks the pages of a notebook to reveal a separate file. A picture of Wallace is clipped to the file. Inside is a print-off of Wallace's Hearst College 2006-2007 schedule reading as follows: Student Name: Wallace Fennell Student Number: 107246 Total Credits: 7.50 Year: 2006-2007 There is then a list of classes, including the days of the week, times, units, instruction and rooms: METech - MF - 09:00AM-12:10PM - 1.50 - D.Etler - 101 Hist - TTh - 12:40PM-02:10PM - 1.00 - M.Merrill - 489 Eco - TWF - 01:00PM-05:00PM - 1.50 - R.Mitchell Wat - 454 Gph - MF - 02:30PM-05:40PM - 1.00 - D.Etler - 321 Led - TTh - 02:30PM-05:40PM - 1.00 - Merrill/Wilson - 365 Psy - W - 02:30PM-05:40PM - 1.50 - C.Bundrick - 202 Handwritten underneath are notes about a couple of photos: Photo 1. Wallace had a meeting with his advisors. Photo 2. Walking across campus... Wallace picks up a couple of photos, both showing him in his Hearst basketball team jacket, the second with a front shot of him, showing his number, three. Behind them is another sheet of paper with his basketball statistics. Frowning, Wallace looks up to check on the guy. He's no longer at Wallace's desk. Wallace softly mouths "sh1t" and then freezes as a throat is cleared behind him. He spins round to face the guy. WALLACE: Dude, hey, look, man, I don't know what you- THE GUY: Shh. Wallace, despite himself, does what he is told, his brow furrowed. THE GUY: Are you familiar with the Castle? WALLACE: I've heard of it. THE GUY: Wallace Fennel, I've been authorized to inform you that you've been tapped for admission. If you tell anyone, your invitation will be rescinded, and there will be consequences. Do you accept? Wallace stares at him. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica and Weevil, who is still limping, are walking across campus. VERONICA: If we're assuming someone's framing you, they had only twenty-four hours- WEEVIL: Whoa, if we're assuming? If we're not assuming, then I guess we're assuming that I did it, which means that I hired you to get to the bottom of my own crime? That's a pretty dumb assumption, don't you think? VERONICA: Touch-y. I'll rephrase. Whoever framed you had twenty-four hours to get your fingerprints on the ringer ID machine. We need to retrace your steps. Try and remember everything you touched the day before you got busted. Weevil laughs. WEEVIL: A day in the life of Weevil's hands, huh? Let's see. I woke up, I hopped in the shower- VERONICA: What say we fast-forward to your day on campus? WEEVIL: No problem. Uh, first call was the radio station. Deejay blew a fuse. VERONICA: Did you happen to see this? Veronica holds up her Sidekick, showing the picture she took earlier of the box on the bursar's desk. VERONICA: It's the ID machine they found next to your stuff. WEEVIL: Well, that box does not look familiar. Veronica frowns and puts away the phone. VERONICA: Let's take a little field trip, see if we can't jog your memory. Veronica slaps his arm and strides away jauntily. WEEVIL: Fine, but you're gonna have to slow your ass down. Veronica stops and waits for him to catch up with her. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - DAY. Keith is still in purgatory as the interview continues in similar vein. CALLER #2: [on phone] Let's say you got two calls at the same time. One was for, let's say, a kidnapping in progress, but the other involves a twenty-year-old having a beer. Keith shakes his head. CALLER #2: Which call would you take first? PIZ: I think this ground has been well-covered by candidate Mars. VINNIE: I, for one, think we should hear his answer. After a moment's hesitation to marvel at the stupidity of it all, Keith answers. KEITH: I'd respond to the kidnapping call first. Weevil and Veronica enter the studio. Keith gives Veronica a grin. PIZ: Uh, let's talk a little bit about law-enforcement experience. As he talks, Piz is forced to push back and rise from his seat as Weevil heads straight for the desk area at his feet. KEITH: I'm glad you bring that up, Stosh. VINNIE: As am I. I first learned law-enforcement techniques while serving in this great country's armed forces. Weevil shines a flashlight at all the electrics under the desk. VINNIE: During my stint in the military police, I saw crime drop 20% across U.S. military bases. KEITH: And you believe you were responsible for that drop? VINNIE: I did my part. KEITH: And was that before your dishonourable discharge? VINNIE: I'm sorry, did this campaign just go negative? I thought we had a gentleman's agreement here. That's fine. The kid gloves are off now, Keith. Veronica is ignoring the interview, and instead is watching Weevil. He shakes his head and gets out from under the desk, allowing Piz to take his seat again. VINNIE: Okay, in the past two years of tranquillity in Neptune under the steady watch of Sheriff Don Lamb, citizen Mars was cited six times for infractions ranging from impersonating a law-enforcement officer to withholding evidence. Veronica gives Piz a smile and turns to follow Weevil out of the studio until she hears Vinnie's reference to herself. VINNIE: His comely daughter, a Hearst student, was arrested twice in that time. Veronica holds Weevil's arm to stop him leaving, and then walks slowly up behind Vinnie, listening. VINNIE: The question isn't whether Sheriff Mars can clean up Neptune. It's can Sheriff Mars clean up his own household? Veronica smacks Vinnie's head, pushing it into the microphone. Weevil smiles and he and Veronica leave. PIZ: Uh, well, we'll pick up where we left off right after this. Vinnie, offended, looks behind him to see her go. He looks over at Piz and Keith, expecting sympathy and/or outrage. Both are smirking and Keith starts to laugh as the advert plays. FEMALE ANNOUNCER: [on radio] It's never been more important to be a part of your community. Sign up for the annual Blood Drive- INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE - DAY. Weevil marches into Marchant's office, not pausing for breath as he relates his day to Veronica. WEEVIL: So, I walked in here like this, I sat in that chair over there... Marchant, at his desk, is indignant. MARCHANT: Mr. Navarro, might I ask what you're doing here? Weevil leans against the desk with his back to Marchant, ignoring him. WEEVIL: I talked with the human resources suit for a couple minutes. Marchant rises and points to the door. MARCHANT: Uh, get out-get out of my office. VERONICA: You touch anything, pick anything up? Weevil, arms folded, cocks his head as he thinks. WEEVIL: No, I don't think so. MARCHANT: You were fired. You are not permitted on Hearst property. I'm calling security. Marchant picks up the telephone receiver and punches a few buttons. WEEVIL: Wait a minute. I did pick up an envelope on the suit's desk. Um, it had his home address on it. I'm not sure what good that'll do me. Veronica rolls her eyes and smiles in recognition of what he is doing. Behind him, Marchant quickly replaces the phone's receiver. VERONICA: Anything else? WEEVIL: Nah. Veronica turns and leaves the office. With a chuckle, and without a backward glance at Marchant, Weevil follows her. Marchant stares after them, made helpless by the implied threat. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LAUREN AND JENNY'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Lauren opens the door to her room to find Weevil and Veronica standing outside. WEEVIL: Hi. You remember me earlier this week? LAUREN: Yeah, the sink guy. WEEVIL: I left a tool here when I was fixing your drain. VERONICA: Mind if we take a look around? LAUREN: Yeah, no problem. Come on in. She steps aside to let them in. LAUREN: The sink's worked great. WEEVIL: What can I say? I take pride in what I do. Weevil goes to the sink and opens the doors of the cupboard under it. There is the sink's pipe and little else in there. He crouches down to look as done Veronica. He speaks to her quietly. WEEVIL: Veronica, uh, the last time I was here, they had a bunch of crap under the sink. I had to move it all out of the way to get at the drain, but I didn't pay much attention to what I was moving. Veronica looks up at Lauren. LAUREN: My roommate tried to dump Ramen down the sink. She laughs. LAUREN: She's such a blonde. Veronica glares at her for a moment, long enough for Lauren to realise what she has said to a blonde, then laughs. She returns her attention to Weevil. VERONICA: You could have left your prints on the box without even knowing it. They hear the sound of the arrival of Lauren's roommate. Veronica turns her head and rises slowly, recognising her. JENNY: Hey, Lauren, that message from Joey on the board, did he leave it- She comes to a halt on recognising Veronica. VERONICA: Hi, there. I'm Veronica. Aren't you in my criminology class? JENNY: [uncomfortably] Yeah. Veronica points behind her. VERONICA: You remember my friend Eli, right? JENNY: From class? Your talk was so...edifying. WEEVIL: I get that a lot. JENNY: So, what are you up to now? LAUREN: Oh, he thinks he left a tool behind. VERONICA: His tools are his livelihood. WEEVIL: What'd you do with the stuff you had under the s- Weevil is amazed when Veronica interrupts his question. VERONICA: Oh, I love your hair. JENNY: Thanks. VERONICA: Do you mind if I take a picture of you for my stylist? JENNY: I guess not. Veronica gets out her camera. VERONICA: Say "cheese." Veronica fiddles with the lens a moment, then takes the picture. She checks it in the digital window. VERONICA: Super. She turns to Weevil. VERONICA: We've got what we need, Eli. Bemused, Weevil nods and starts to follow her out as she takes her leave of Jenny. VERONICA: Uh, I'll see you in class. They leave the room... INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. ...and Weevil closes the door behind them. Weevil is confused. WEEVIL: Your stylist? What was that all about? VERONICA: Walk me to work. I'll show you what the inside of a library looks like. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Weevil and Veronica are at the help desk in the library. WEEVIL: I thought you were supposed to be good at this. She's out of focus. VERONICA: Easy, sleazy. You're looking at the wrong thing. On Veronica's computer screen, she pans past an extreme close-up of Jenny to the side of her head where there was a picture on the wall. It shows a group of friends, including Jenny, in Aspen. VERONICA: I didn't care about her. It's the picture behind her. Watch closely now. Veronica marks and enlarges the picture of Jenny, who is smiling. There is a boy standing behind her with his arm around her. VERONICA: Look who we have here. It's the girl from my criminology class. WEEVIL: We knew that twenty minutes ago. Veronica changes to another part of the picture, one which shows Abigail and Leon standing side by side. VERONICA: There's our Sylvia Plath. She pulled you out of a line-up. And...and this is the guy who actually knows how to program the cards. She zooms out to show the whole photograph again. VERONICA: I'd bet one of these guys in masks is our Honus Wagner. Weevil grins. WEEVIL: We got them. VERONICA: Question do you want to just get yourself off the hook, or do you want to take all these Aspen ski bums down at the same time? WEEVIL: How are we gonna ID the others? VERONICA: You leave that to me. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Logan is standing by the bar in his room, speaking on the phone. LOGAN: And I've got all the frequent-flier miles we need. He listens for a moment. LOGAN: You know, every other weekend if you want. Dick walks in from the door to the suite, carrying a can of beer. DICK: Who you talking to? LOGAN: Parker. DICK: Park her? I don't even know her! Dick snorts at his lame joke and takes a long swig of beer as he stumbles into his room. LOGAN: Sorry about that. That was Dick. Yeah, he's gearing up for finals. Parker says something that makes Logan laugh. LOGAN: Yeah. DICK: Hey, Logan. The night my brother jumped off the roof, did you, like, try and stop him? Logan freezes. It takes him a moment to speak into the phone. LOGAN: I got to call you back. He's hardly listening to the response. LOGAN: Yeah, bye. He clicks off the phone and turns to face Dick who is standing near the door to his room, leaning on the wall and looking down at his feet. LOGAN: Everything okay, Dick? Dick looks up. His face is tear-stained. DICK: I duct-taped him to his bike, his feet to the pedals. He was maybe ten, and I just left him out there on the cul-de-sac. Forgot about him for hours. I went outside, and there he was, still riding around in circles. LOGAN: Dick, I'm not sure if spending happy hours with your dad is the best way to deal with all this. Dick stares at him helplessly. Logan walks towards him. LOGAN: Tomorrow, we'll catch a few waves. We'll get you back on a board. You'll see things clear. DICK: Yeah, okay. That sounds sweet. Dick holds up his beer can. DICK: But I'm inviting twenty-four little buddies just in case I don't like what I see when things are clear. Logan nods. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - DAY. Jenny and Lauren are walking down the hall near the campus police. Someone passing calls out to Jenny. STUDENT: Hey, Jenny. She smiles but does not respond. Lauren's attention is taken by something on the wall. LAUREN: Hey, isn't that your photo? Amongst the notices, there is one which features the Aspen photograph under the title "Do You Know These People?" Lauren gets closer to read it. LAUREN: [reads] "I met this great group of people from Hearst skiing over Christmas break, but I didn't get their names, and I'd like to track them down. If you know who they are, please e-mail vMars@aol.Com." Jenny's sinking feeling is palpable. LAUREN: Wow, freaky! Lauren turns back to Jenny. LAUREN: Do you want me to jot down that email address? Jenny doesn't respond. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Her leg in the sink, Veronica slides a razor up to and past the knee. She looks in the mirror at Mac, standing behind her and smiling oddly. VERONICA: What? MAC: Miss Mars uses Venus razor. VERONICA: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's. MAC: And she's down-to-earth, to boot. Veronica laughs. VERONICA: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice. MAC: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts. VERONICA: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hmm. Mac nods sagely. EXT - NEPTUNE BEACH - DAY. Veronica, Piz, Mac and Wallace have parked at the beach. Veronica's wearing shorts to show off her newly mowed legs. She opens the back of the Saturn, gasping at the smell. VERONICA: Jeez, what does that thing run on, nail polish? Wallace carefully lifts the model airplane out of the car. WALLACE: It's a methanol-oil mixture. VERONICA: That's why I drive a Saturn hybrid. Piz reaches in to grab the fuel. MAC: Hey, did anyone else hear there's gonna be a Matchbox 20 reunion show? PIZ: [dismissively] So? Rob Thomas is a whore. MAC: Yeah. Veronica slams the hatchback door shut and they head out onto the beach. VERONICA: Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man-crush thing. MAC: Wallace has a man crush? PIZ: The man crush isn't me, is it? VERONICA: Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz? WALLACE: All right, now, it was...nothing, you know? It was just nothing. Elsewhere on the beach, Logan and Dick in wet suits are carrying their boards. DICK: Man, this new wet suit's like a cheap motel. No ballroom. Dick snaps the wet suit at his crotch. A Frisbee is the sand is retrieved by one of the beach's visitors as the other group looks for a place from which to launch Wallace's plane. PIZ: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne or...? WALLACE: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Wallace finds the spot and puts the plane down on the sand. WALLACE: Otherwise, my ass is grass. VERONICA: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall. Wallace busies himself with getting the plane ready as the other three stand and watch him. PIZ: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd. MAC: Wait, you have an inner one? Veronica laughs as Piz glares at Mac. Wallace stands up with the remote in his hand and extends the aerial. He takes a deep breath. The four propellers on the plane start to spin. Wallace checks the controls. The rudder and flaps flap as they should. He presses the joystick forward and watches the plane anxiously. It rolls quickly down the sand towards the water, taking off just before it reaches it. It soars. WALLACE: Whoo-hoo we're up! Veronica claps and jumps up and down. PIZ: Yes! The plane banks, but the engine cuts out and it falls to the ground. PIZ: D'oh! VERONICA: Oh! The plane lands in the path of Logan and Dick. DICK: Hey, look, a toy plane. Wallace races up to them, the other three following behind. WALLACE: Don't touch the plane! Piz gestures a "Hi" at Logan and Dick. DICK: Hey, hey! Look who's slumming it at the beach. What's up, hot legs? Ow! MAC: Score one for Teen People. DICK: Hey, we're blowing off a little dead-week steam if you kids want to hang. VERONICA: We can't. We're helping Wallace. WALLACE: Actually, uh, Wallace could use a little time to himself. Her excuse blown, Veronica is left with nothing to avoid agreeing. Cut to a bit later. Wallace is alone on the sand working on the plane. Further up the beach, Logan and Dick are on one bench and Mac, Piz and Veronica are on the other. Veronica has covered her legs modestly with a towel. The benches face a fire pit and smoke rises from it. Piz, Logan and Dick all have and are drinking beers. There's another can on the sand which is either Mac's or one Piz has already finished. MAC: I feel so bad for Wallace. He needs more thrust. Dick sniggers. Logan smiles, knowing what's on his mind. LOGAN: Don't say it. Dick momentarily wipes the smile from his face, as if acceding to the warning, but can't himself and blurts out the popular The Office (U.S.) gag after all. DICK: That's what she said. Logan and Dick both laugh. Piz gets it and smiles but Mac and Veronica both seem clueless and a little offended. MAC: I think I'm gonna go help Wallace. Mac gets up and heads back down the beach. Dick calls out after her. DICK: Hey, Mac, wait up. Mac doesn't break her stride and Dick has to run to catch up with her. Back at the fire pit, Logan looks at Veronica. She glances back at him, then quickly looks away. Down on the beach, Dick matches pace with Mac. DICK: I know you and me haven't always been, like, best buds, but do you want to know why? MAC: Not really. DICK: 'Cause you were both so smart, you and Beav. And-and I could tell, you know, that you thought I was an idiot... Mac's expression confirms that she holds the same opinion now. DICK: So I figured my best bet was to...you know how a best defence is a good offence? So, I thought... He drops a heavy hand on Mac's shoulder, bringing them to a stop and forcing her to look at him. DICK: The way I treated you and Beav was totally uncool, and I'm totally sorry for all those things I said. MAC: Yeah. Okay. Accepted. DICK: It's cool. You're so cool. I get it now what my brother saw in you. Much to Mac's disgust, Dick leans in for a kiss. Mac slaps his head away with disdain, and then carries on down the beach. Dick calls after her. DICK: Don't tell Logan, okay? Dick gives an embarrassed chuckle before draining the beer from the can in his hand. At the fire pit, nobody seems to know where to look. Piz attempts friendly conversation. PIZ: You know, uh, a couple of my high-school friends surfed. Yeah, they'd drive down to Sunnyside early in the morning, but I always had to work these crappy jobs over the summer. It must have been cool growing up down here. LOGAN: Well, it must have been great working. Piz, a little puzzled by the response, shrugs. LOGAN: That's what makes you so real, Piz, so salt-of-the-earth. My life, on the other hand? Frivolous. PIZ: No, that's not what I was saying. LOGAN: No, you're right. Not frivolous, full of frivolity. You hear that, Veronica? The, uh, subtext? Piz worked for a living while I frittered my days away. Impressed? VERONICA: I'm not impressed right now. PIZ: What's your problem, man? LOGAN: Fundamentally, I guess it's that I lack a working man's backbone. VERONICA: [sharply] Logan, enough. Logan nods carelessly. The sound of Wallace's plane can be heard behind them. Veronica looks over her shoulder to see it in the air. VERONICA: Wallace got it working. She grabs Piz's hand. VERONICA: We should get back. Logan doesn't watch them go. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Veronica is back at the help desk, studying the Aspen picture on her laptop. She's added some name and aliases to the faces. Anne Sexton was used by Jenny Budosh and Niehls [sic] Bohr was used by Patrick Nickerson, the boy with his arm around her. Veronica types in Patrick's name in an address bar and pulls up a Google-like listing. There are a number of Nickerson's listed, including one as follows: "Marietta Telegraph - Local News: Marietta based Magneta-corp CEO, Patrick Nickerson, Sr, announced his company's intent...$20-million dollars to Mr. Nickersons Alma mater, Hearst College." Veronica clicks on the link which brings up the Marietta Telegraph and an article entitled "Magneta-corp makes record donation." The article, by Jessica Cavin, reads: "Marietta based Magneta-corp's CEO, Patrick Nickerson, Sr., announced his company's intentions to donate $20-million dollars to Mr. Nickerson's Alma mater, Hearst College. 'We are proud to support such a fine educational institution as Hearst College,' Nickerson wrote in a press release on Sunday. 'My own time at Hearst was a fundamental part of my education and played an integral part in forming the man I am today.' The $10-million [sic] dollar donation is set to be given in $4-million dollar instalments over the next five years. No conditions were requested for how the money must be spent. This is a record donation for Hearst College and will help the institution cover some increased operating costs due to federal funding slashes across higher education..." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Looks like someone's main squeeze is from Marietta, Georgia, the same town where they make the Magneta-corp machine. And guess whose dad is an executive at Magneta-corp? Veronica's study is interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. PATRICK: I guess you know who I am by now. She looks up and sees Patrick and Jenny standing side by side in front of the help desk. VERONICA: Wild guess. Patrick Nickerson. PATRICK: There's some people we want you to meet. Veronica gazes back at him. Cut to a moment later. Patrick and Jenny lead Veronica through the bookcases, leading to a large separate library room. There are eight students in there, waiting and standing on the far side of the large table at the centre of the room. They include Abigail, Leon and the student who used the alias of Honus Wagner. Jenny and Patrick close the double doors leading into the room, then walk around the table to join their friends. They take seats at the table, as do some of the others, with a few deciding to stay standing behind them. Patrick gestures for Veronica to sit down. She takes a seat opposite them. VERONICA: I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. No one smiles. VERONICA: What? That's comedy gold. PATRICK: She knows about my dad's company. VERONICA: And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see, one guy to steal the machine... She points at Patrick. VERONICA: One guy to program it... She points at Leon who gives a rueful grin. VERONICA: And everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy. Veronica gets out her Sidekick. VERONICA: And the injustice league strikes again. PATRICK: Who are you calling? VERONICA: The surgeon general. JENNY: She's calling her dad, the sheriff. VERONICA: Good call, Jenny. See, you're not here just for your looks. PATRICK: Hang up. Please. We can work this out. Yeah, you can be one of us. VERONICA: Is this where you turn me into a vampire? PATRICK: We can make it worth your while. Veronica punches a button on the Sidekick and lays it down on the table. VERONICA: All right, I'm listening. PATRICK: So, what is that maintenance guy paying you, anyway? VERONICA: Cash. PATRICK: Don't turn us in and you could have your very own Hearst ID. VERONICA: Oh, I have one, thanks. PATRICK: This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money. You'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal. VERONICA: Assuming I want to eat meals in the Food Court for the rest of my life? Besides, you're lying. You don't have the machine. You left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's. JENNY: There's a third one. LEON: I've already programmed it. PATRICK: The only reason we got busted is because we used stupid aliases. We get new cards, generic names, and we don't get caught again. JENNY: You're a scholarship kid, right? PATRICK: Yeah, that must be pretty tough, paying for all those meals, textbooks. Veronica drums her fingers on the table. VERONICA: It is. Which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much. Veronica gets up from the table, grabbing her phone. PATRICK: You think that ski picture is proof? Veronica turns back to face them. PATRICK: That doesn't prove anything. Veronica holds out her phone and punches a couple of buttons. VERONICA: But this conversation does. The conversation they've just had starts to play. PATRICK: [on tape] Hang up. Please, we can work this out, okay? Yeah, you can be one of us. Veronica points to Patrick, then to herself with a cheesy grin. VERONICA: [on tape] Is this where you turn me into a vampire? PATRICK: [on tape] We can make it worth your while. Veronica switches off the recording. VERONICA: I won't bore you with the rest, but I'll bet it means jail time. Or, if you'd prefer, you can go throw yourself at the mercy of the campus police. I'm sure they'll have more mercy for you than my dad, particularly when he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms. ABIGAIL: [scoffing] Like we'd keep it in a dorm room. LEON: Shh. VERONICA: If I don't hear that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow noon, I'm taking everything I've got to the finest law-enforcement organization in Balboa county. And try and keep it down in here, okay? Veronica puts her finger to her lips. VERONICA: It's the library. Veronica turns and walks out of the room, leaving them to their consternation. As Veronica heads back to the help desk, she calls Weevil. VERONICA: Weevil, I need you to get to the engineering lab right away. I think they're hiding a third box there, one that's functioning. I don't want the ski patrol to destroy it. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Logan is watching poker on the television as he bites at his cuticles. TV COMMENTATOR: Welcome back to the All Star event. We are down to the final table. Yep, we have nine people left and you are all in...real old pros here, like Terry there... Dick opens the door from his room and peeks out. He looks at Logan and slips back into his room. Logan notices then returns his attention to the screen. Dick pops out again, waits for Logan to look at him and then disappears back into the bedroom. LOGAN: Dude, what are you doing? Dick steps out, holding his laptop. DICK: Man, I'm not sure if I should show you this. LOGAN: What is it? DICK: Well, you have to see it. I can't say the words out loud. Dick hurries towards him. He places the open laptop on the ottoman in front of Logan, then steps back, parking his butt on the arm of sofa. DICK: It's cued up. Just hit the space bar. Logan does. A video starts. It's of Veronica and Piz in the dorm room. VERONICA: [on video] I so wish I could be with you right now. DICK: That's Veronica. LOGAN: Yeah, I'm aware of that. VERONICA: [on video] Well, how about that? DICK: And that's that Piz dude. PIZ: [on video] I-I have a couple...million suggestions. Logan stares at it with increasing concern. DICK: Yeah, here's the money. Not what I'd call bodacious, but firm, supple, pleasing to the eye. LOGAN: [gravely] Where did you get this? DICK: It's going around in an email. You think Veronica knew that there's a camera in the room? LOGAN: [tightly] No. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - NIGHT. Piz is broadcasting in the studio, on his own. PIZ: Here's what this good Catholic boy could never get straight. Through the window into the Food Court, Logan can be seen throwing open the double door and striding towards the radio station in furious avenger mode. If Piz sees him, he gives no indication of it. PIZ: Good people go to heaven, bad people go to hell, and the rest of us all go to a place called purgatory. Really? What the hell's purgatory? It's just some place where you have to suffer a lot and strive to be better people. I mean, isn't that just life on earth all over again? Logan slams open the door to the studio. Piz, in headphones, doesn't know he is there. Logan grabs the headphones off a totally unprepared Piz and yanks him off the chair. He smashes Piz against a wall and punches him, first in the gut and then in the face. Logan takes hold of Piz and throws him across the room. Piz lands against the glass that separates the studio from the producer's booth. Logan spins Piz around. Piz takes a wild punch which misses the ducking Logan by a mile. Logan gets in another body punch. Piz manages to throw Logan off. Logan lands hard against the sound equipment on the desk in the studio, momentarily winded. Piz races out of the studio. Logan slips off the desk and follows him determinedly. Outside in the Food Court, the fight has attracted some attention. LOGAN: Come back here, you- As Logan emerges into the station office, Piz is waiting and manages to get in a hard elbow to Logan's face, followed by a punch that also lands. Logan quickly recovers and half lifts, half pushes Piz into the wall, punching him the face a few more times. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT. Veronica is working at her desk. She takes a large swig of liquid from the purchased cup in her hand. She looks up at the sound of someone coming into the office. It's Keith, carrying a shopping bag. KEITH: Before I left the station, I received word from the campus police that a bunch of kids turned themselves in for those fake IDs. VERONICA: Huh. They must have had a collective crisis of conscience. KEITH: Yeah. I bet that was it. Veronica notices the bag which Keith has set on the desk. VERONICA: What you got? Keith reaches in with a smirk and pulls out a new answer machine. KEITH: Hmm? Who's cheap now? Veronica gasps loud and long but is prevented from quipping because her cell phone rings. She grabs it and checks the caller ID. According to her Sidekick, it's "Navarro W." VERONICA: Speaking of El Diablo. KEITH: Mm-hmm. Keith disappears into his office as Veronica takes the call. VERONICA: Good news. You're a free man, Eli Navarro. They confessed. You find anything in the lab? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - CONTINUING. WEEVIL: Nothing here. No machine. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. VERONICA: It was worth a shot. It's okay. We don't need it. WEEVIL: [on phone] Thanks, V. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - CONTINUING. Weevil, who appears to be in Leon's room, takes a seat. WEEVIL: Hey, I forget. Who owes who now? INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Uh, you owe me, clearly. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - CONTINUING. WEEVIL: You sure about that? VERONICA: [on phone] Not really. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Night, Weevil. Bye Veronica punches out the call. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING - CONTINUING. Weevil smiles as he lowers the phone from his ear. He glances down at his lap, then into the distance. The camera pans down to show what's in his lap. It's the third Magneta-corp machine. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - CONTINUING. Veronica continues to work at her desk. KEITH: Honey, can I see you in my office? After a moment trying to work out if she's in trouble for something, Veronica gets up and walks into Keith's office. KEITH: You want to tell me what this is? Keith presses a button on the old answer machine. After the obligatory noise of rewound voices on speed and a bleep, the message plays. PATRICK: [on tape] Hang up. Please, we can work this out, okay? Yeah, you can be one of us. VERONICA: [on tape] Is this where you turn me into a vampire? PATRICK: [on tape] We can make it worth your wh- Veronica smiles and shakes her head. VERONICA: It's a confession. You can erase it. KEITH: Confession? No one confessed to anything on there. VERONICA: Fortunately, they didn't know that. The outer door of the office opens. LOGAN: Veronica? Veronica looks over her shoulder. LOGAN: Hello? Veronica glances at Keith, then walks out to the outer office. She comes to a sudden halt. One of Logan's fists is very bloody and the results of Piz's few hits are starting to show on his sweat-drenched face. Veronica takes a deep breath and shuts the door to her father's office. LOGAN: Veronica...there's something you should know. Concerned, Veronica takes a step forward towards him. End.

Plan: A: Weevil; Q: Who is arrested for selling fake debit cards? A: Veronica; Q: Who does Weevil ask for help? A: Piz's radio show; Q: What show does Logan beat up Piz on? A: the upcoming election; Q: What is Keith debating Vinnie Van Lowe about? A: Dick; Q: Who shows the sex tape to Logan? A: Mac; Q: Who does Dick drunkenly apologize to? A: their argument; Q: What do Veronica and Piz make up after? A: the internet; Q: What is the sex tape posted on? Summary: Weevil is arrested for selling fake debit cards, but claims he is being framed and asks Veronica for help. On Piz's radio show, Keith debates Vinnie Van Lowe about the upcoming election, while Dick drunkenly apologizes to Mac for the way he has treated her. Veronica and Piz make up after their argument, and a sex tape of them is posted on the internet. Dick shows the sex tape to Logan who thinks Piz filmed the act without Veronica's knowledge and beats him up at his radio show.